#like of course life had to give me the biggest depression episode 3 years ago before my birthday and extend it for almost 3 months

[no-te-lo-voy-a-dar]

en realidad el vivir en una ciudad pequeña y del norte significa que mi experiencia queer o con la comunidad es muy poca porque todos son muy loud and proud but also so, so binary and....kind of mainstream

y yo no. caigo en un limbo entre lo masculino y femenino, entre haber vivido experiencias de mujer y desear algunas de hombre. en dónde también quiero mis experiencias propias y únicas

pero el que sea ciudad pequeña también significa que todos se conocen de alguna forma y eso...es un tanto abrumador

sin mencionar que mucho, mucho de esto se basa en vida nocturna a la que no tengo acceso por el simple hecho de no tener carro lol

en fin, andamos sintiéndonos tristes, solos y pues awuite pero :') asumo son las fechas

[lesbianakaashi]

The Forgotten Shounen: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

This is not a “Why you should watch/read khr” or anything like that. This is just me going into the deep dive and throwing my findings at you. I’m making this because khr used to be my favourite series when I was 15 (I had plushees, posters, tradingcards, the art book etc) and now as an adult I constantly find myself baffled at how unknow it seems to be.

1. Okay first what is khr?

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or just Reborn! is a series by Akira Amano which was published in Weekly Shounen Jump from 2004 to 2012 (with 42 volumes) and got an anime adaption which run from 2006 to 2010 on Tv Tokyo (with 202 episodes and one OVA).

2. What’s it about?

Khr is a parody of the italian mafia and plays in a world where the mafia is heavily influencial. The protagonist is the japanese middle schooler Sawada Tsunayoshi who is known as ��No good Tsuna” because of his failing grades, general weak and cowardly personality and weak physics.

He becomes aware of the mafia world when a 2 year old baby called Reborn arrives at his house claiming to be the greatest hitman and declaring himself his home tutor. Reborn was send by the 9th head of the Vongola famiglia who is ready to retire and looking for a new heir. Which of course, is supposed to be Tsuna and now it's Reborns job to shape him into a worthy sucessor.

Tsuna rejects the violence of the mafia world and refuses the position as the 10th. Thanks to Reborn and his general craziness Tsuna meets different people and starts to make real friendships. Reborn wants 6 of those friends to be Tsuna's future guardians, basically a group of people which will be closest to him in the vongola famiglia. Tsuna might have no interest in those positions but the friendships he builds with them become really precious to him.

Reborns arrivial also brings in the enemies of the Vongola family which leads to Tsuna being forced to engage in battles. Generally Tsuna openly avoids fights and prefers to run away but will put himself in danger for his friends' sake or because of something Reborn did.

Through out the series Tsuna matures and gains strenght but he never becomes a power fantasy. He's just a guy with many flaws who grows through the human connections he makes.

Personally I think the relationship between Reborn and Tsuna is one of the best student teacher reltaionships in all of manga only topped by Mob and Reigen from Mob Psycho 100. Especially the last arc really underlines their unique relationship to me.

Furthermore, khr offers a new and unique battle system: The flames. I'm not gonna go into to too much detail but the general idea is that one fights with their dying will flame which basically turns off your the savety switch so you can fight with everything you have. The flames are seperated into different categories such as: sky, storm, mist, rain, sun, lightning and cloud and have different attributes asigned to each one. Tsuna's use of the sky flame and his transformation when using it is still one of my favourite shounen transformations to this day.

3. What happened?

The series did really well and then not so well over the course of its serialisation. After the manga got an anime adaption it increased in populairty and video games, light novels, and other products such as CDs were created based on the series. Reborn is one of the best selling series of Weekly Shōnen Jump and has sold around 30 Million volumes overall. It was and still is very popular in Japan but rather unknown in the west.

According to the article "The Rise and Fall of Weekly Shonen Jump: A Look at the Circulation of Weekly Jump" khr was the 10th bestselling series in Weekly Shōnen Jump, with a total of 7 million copies sold in 2007.

This number increasing to 15 milion in 2008. Which placed khr into the 4th best selling series of 2008 in Japan.

Between 2008 and 2010 those sales declined but still kept strong with khr as the 6th top selling manga in 2009, 8th best selling in 2010 and then 24th best selling in 2012.

In November 2014, readers of the Da Vinci magazine voted khr number 17 on a list of Weekly Shōnen Jump's greatest manga series of all time.

After the anime came to an apprupt stop in 2010 for unknown reasons the manga sells took a visible hit. (Apparently the studio wanted to put the anime on halt because they were busy with other projects and give Akira Amano time to develop her story but I couldn't find any source for this claim) Furthermore, the rushed last chapters of the manga in 2012 declined the popularity of the series even more. There's no offical statement as to why the manga was ended in such a way but it's reasonable to assume that Jump either cut it considering the decreasing sales or Akira Amano choose to end it for personal reasons.

Nontheless, Tsuna not being included in Jump Force (a fighting game where you can play as different characters from Jump) in 2019 even tho he made it in earlier Jump Stars games also underlines the decreased interest in the series.

Rumors on a reboot or anime adaption of the last two arcs surface from time to time but are genereally unlikely. Artland the studio which made khr has gone bankrupt around 2015-2016. It might be taken on by another studio but rather uncommen especially with such an old series.

4. Art style

The khr anime ended over 10 years ago and the old art style might not be appealing to newer audiences.

Especailly because the anime adaption follows Akira Amanos old art style which heavily developed within the years. Here a picture comparing characters in the new art style:

A modern anime adaption in the new art style would be aesthetically pleasing. It would probably look similiar to Psycho Pass since Akira Amano did the concept art for this series.

(My personal art student hot take is that both art styles are unique and fun. Up to this day Akira Amano still has my favourite art style and even if the amount folds in the characters clothing is a little extreme I love it dearly.)

5. Criticism

The show is not without flaws and even if I greatly enjoy it it wouldn't be right not to adress them.

Daily Life Arc:

A lot of people view the first 20 to 25 episodes as fillers and quickly lose intererst in the series. This is due to the fact that Akira Amano inteded the series to be a gag manga and focuses the first chapters on world building, character introduction and comical narratives. It's rumored that the decision to develop the story into a battle shounen was made because the sales weren't doing well enough at first. So the first chapters/episodes may seem titidious but are necessary for the story and the development of the characters. The tonal shift from a more gintama like gag manga to a darker battle focused story can also be offputting to some viewers.

Either way a lot of people blame this arc when discussing why khr never got an english dub or didn't end up on Toonami. I've also read that the manga never finished serializing in the north america. However, it finished in other western languages like german and spanish.

Censoring:

The anime censors A LOT. From Gokudera's smoking habit, Yamamoto's whole character arc which deals with heavy themes such as depression and suicidal thoughts. The general bloodiness of the manga was censored and sometimes whole chapters and characters were left out even if those were important to the devolopment of others.

Filler episodes:

Out of the 202 episodes the anime has around 29 filler episodes which makes roughly 14 %.

Sexism:

Even if Reborn was written by a woman most female characters are rather flat and their storylines often tied to a male character in one way or another.

Genereal things:

Khr, like many other long running series, is sometimes criticised for a lack of world building or unpopular narrative choices.

6. Hope?

Khr isn't exactly dead. As stated before the series is still very popular in Japan and still gets new merch pretty regulary. There are also petitions floating around for a reboot or a new anime season but those never get a lot of traction. Furthermore #Reborn2期アニメ化 (#Reborn2ndAnimation) used to get some traction on twitter not too long ago. Last year the Anime News Network did a poll on which anime the readers would like to see a rebooot of and khr placed second.

Either way here's a collection of recent khr things I could find.

- In 2018 a new bluray set was released in north america

- The khr stage play reached yet another new season

- A mobile game was released last year

- Currently ongoing anime cafe event called "Concerto di Vongola"

- Last month there was an event with the former VAs and stage play actors where they discussed their favourite khr episodes.

- There has been an increase in blind reacts to the openings on youtube which might bring in a new fan base. The biggest one I could find had around 90k views and was made in 2019. On this note check out the soundtrack. The first openeing Drawing Days by SPLAY still makes me go insane (but I'm biased of course)

There also renewed hope for a new season/reboot because Shaman King, Inuyasha and Bleach got anounced for new seasons after a long hiatus. It's important to keep in mind that the circumstances for those series are differnt tho. For example bleachs new anime is often tied to the immense success of the gatcha game.

7. Conclusion

Khr is a series which used to be a flagship for Weekly Shounen Jump and is deeply beloved by it's fans, especially in Japan. It influenced other shounen series like bnha. It would be nice to see it gaining a bigger fanbase in the west :)

[finaledenialist]

Okay, your tags on The Empty Post have showed up in my notes and I have to ask. Tell me more. Tell me it all. All of the feelings and thoughts about that scene because what I’ve seen so far? Absolute perfection and I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you! Okay I basically unloaded most of my thoughts in my tags here but let’s go through this one more time. I may add: this was already said a thousand times by better meta writers than me 3 years ago when season 13 was actually airing. And I will ramble a little about Purgatory, too. Now with that out of the way: 

The Empty. Canonically it is a being, a living immortal being that rules the place or an ‘anti-place’ where angels and demons go are sent to when they die to dream of their regrets forever (this sounds awful and like a punishment for dying despite being immortal, for getting themselves killed or something). Also: the Empty was there before Creation, the Nothingness before Darkness and before Light. 

Okay. But let’s see what other things the Empty represents: lack of anything. Complete nothingness that Cas got sucked into (by Lucifer but also by helping the Winchesters). Now we know that Cas‘I am afraid I might kill myself’tiel had his issues, right (I still can’t believe that we are praising 8x08 thee Hunteri Heroici for being a filler episode with Cas - which is awesome, don’t get me wrong - but we all keep forgetting what he actually did say to Dean there!!! Dean says: are you afraid the angels will kill you if you show up in Heaven? And Cas looks straight into his eyes and says: After all I’ve done, when I see Heaven, I am afraid I might kill myself).

Please remember that it’s not only Dean, Mr. ‘Purgatory was pure’. Cas, after all he did in season 6, after his death in s7, after coming back and being literally haunted by everything he’s done, must have felt that Purgatory was liberating, too. It was some kind of an Alternative Universe where he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. He was free of them. It was literally his escape AND additionally it was (well, according to good old christian lore, maybe not specifically spn lore) a place where you are supposed to atone for your sins so there must have been the feeling of atoning, of making things right without actually doing anything specific, where having to survive and not get eaten by the Leviathans was his main problem (= surviving was just enough, nothing was asked of him), which, compared to all he’s done, wasn’t that hard or difficult. He found himself running away from Leviathans which could mirror running away from consequences of his actions - but it was Purgatory, it was at the same time atoning for what he did. It was EASY.

Cas basically confirms that he officially stayed in Purgatory because he didn’t think he deserved to go back to Earth and that is true but what he doesn’t say is: ‘Purgatory was pure and easy and kill or be killed and no other worries than that, no thinking, no real responsibilities which actually was a nice escape from the real world after all I did and been through in the past 3 years’. He wanted out, he wanted an easy choice. Okay, maybe he wasn’t actively looking for an easy way out but when it presented itself - when they appeared in Purgatory - he took it like a gift. We’re talking about a character who spent all his life following orders, who finally broke free and found himself completely lost in the freedom of choices, directionless and maybe wanted an escape. He must have felt overwhelmed but all this freedom (which he basically confirms in 6x20 freedom is a length of rope and god wants you to hang yourself with it). I COMPLETELY understand that choice to escape. 

So in seasons 8-12 Cas has a lot of stuff going on in his head, he gets lobotomized for most of season 8, he is hurt and tortured and treated like shit for most of season 9 and 10 and he ultimately gives himself up to Lucifer in s11 and then he almost dies in 12x12 and he never really got to talk about all of this or work this things out with anyone because Sam or Dean are not really the most talkative guys and Dean in 10x09 basically tells Cas to ‘let it go and not think about it’ which is a shitty advice to someone who suffers from some mental issues if I am being honest (this is like. ur depressed? oh go for a run and smile and stop being sad!!! kind of advice if you ask me). So these issues only grow and grow and start eating him up and please remember that at the very same time Cas is falling in love. I said it previously but I think the moment he realizes what he really feels is 12x12 when he is dying. In that moment he is able to name this feeling but it’s of course covered by: ‘I love you. I love all of you’. 

Now in season 12 he finally gets a proper arc with Kelly (god bless her, honestly, she and Cas had one of the most healthy relationships ever portrayed on tv and it wasn’t even romantic, I could go off about this but it’s getting really long anyway). So he kind of is on his way to find a purpose again - Dean is saved (from hell, from Michael, from the Mark), so he focuses on Kelly and unborn Jack and maybe in his relationship with her he rediscovers love (not necessarily romantic but he sees how she loves Jack) and he does all he can to protect her from basically everyone including the Winchesters. And he promises he will take care of Jack and then. Then he is killed by Lucifer (shattered at the altar of Winchester because he gets involved in the Apocalypse World because of them while having built something for himself with Kelly and Jack BUT still not having properly processed all his previous trauma). 

Okay, so fast forward: Cas is woken up by Jack in the Empty. He is of course confused and stuff (we still don’t know what was he dreaming about all this time he spent there now that we know this is a place where angels and demons dream about their mistakes and regrets <- fanfiction gap #1). He wakes up, he is ‘greeted’ by the Empty and one of the first things he says is that he has to go back because Sam and Dean need him. 

This is his first, automatic thought - I (probably) don’t want to go back, but Sam and Dean need me so I have to, I don’t want to go back for myself because I never wanted to since Purgatory but I know I have to. He doesn’t even think about Jack in this moment. I... maybe it is a stretch but I sense a kind of fear in these words. It’s like he thinks: ‘if I had the chance to come back and chose not to come back from selfish reasons then if the Winchesters ever find out about this they will be angry at me’. But I might be reading too much into this, but on the other hand Jesus fucking Christ this is precisely what happened in Purgatory. He chose to stay although he had a chance to return and the effect was Dean being mad at him. Talk about trauma--

Then the Empty (who was in Cas’ mind) voices his biggest fears: 

'I know who you love, I know what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant festering disappointment?'

There is a lot to unpack here because this is the Empty’s (who, as stated at the beginning can be read as a manifestation of not only death but also Cas’ depression and self-worth issues) reaction to Cas saying that Sam and Dean need him. She says: uh oh you’re wrong<3 I know who you love, what you fear, the is nothing there for you, sweetie. Essentially: they don’t need you. No one needs you or wants you there. They are better off without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory (of actually being useful as in: saving Dean from hell, helping to stop the Apocalypse, helping to fight the Leviathans) than a disappointment (failing powers, makes mistake after a mistake, chooses to protect the unborn Antichrist rather than killing him before he’s born - and not to make this whole thing worse but this is what Dean has the audacity to say to Cas in 15x03: why if something goes wrong it always seem to be you).

I will now allow myself for some privacy, because I am a person who dealt with these kind of thoughts in my head for years, these are straight up suicidal thoughts: no one needs you, no one wants you, you are a disappointment and if you die you will be fondly remembered, everyone is better off without you. And we know Cas was suicidal because he literally tells us in 8x08 and we have no proof that he somehow got rid of these thoughts, ever. If anything, they were always there, present, if not growing. Thoughts like that don’t just disappear. Please remember one more time what was happening to Cas in seasons 8-11. He wasn’t healing. He was getting worse, while all this time managing to keep his head above water for someone else, while the guilt was rising and rising. 

If the Empty represents all his issues: depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, self-hate, lack of self-worth, and what she offers is: eternal sleep. Maybe not entirely peaceful sleep, but sleep nevertheless, no consequences, no facing your fears, no dealing with anything, an escape, sleep - 

And she prompts him to stop fighting, to go back to sleep because there is nothing to fight for (now the symbolism of him being waken up by JACK who was his new found purpose just before he got killed), but she makes a mistake to confront his thoughts and fears with him. She makes a mistake of taking a ‘physical’ form, putting on his face and voice his fears. And Cas is a warrior and he kind of hates himself, so his instinct was to fight. Of course it was easier not to think about all of these stuff at all, to push it back, to try to forget. But once he was forced to face all of these? He fought back. AND HE WON!!!!! 

WHAT A MESSAGE TO SEND RIGHT?!!! You might have all these issues and not want to face them because you feel you will crush under them but look: when you are forced to face them it turns out you are somehow way stronger than them!!! The moment you choose to fight you already won, you are already saved!!! Because ultimately these are your thoughts and this is your mind and you control it, no one else! The moment you decide, you choose, to take control: you win. You are saved because you chose to save yourself because you decided you are worth saving. And the Empty (and everything she represents) immediately gets angry and lets him go, ultimately annoyed because he dared to defy her and she just can’t win with someone who decides he wants to be free. WHAT. 👏🏻  A.  👏🏻 WONDERFUL. 👏🏻  MESSAGE.  👏🏻

So... Having said all that. There is only one thing left: I have NO IDEA. NO IDEA. HOW HE FOUND THE STRENGTH. TO STAND UP AND SAY THIS:

I'm already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity.

A FUCKING ICON. STRONGEST CHARACTER EVER. YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER--

[campchitaquamemories]

What are your top 10 Queliot moments?

Nonny, thank you so much for waiting patiently for this one! 

I was just going to write out a list (after I got done being EXTREMELY stumped because- you expect me to just pick 10??! Rude.) but then I realized that I just hit 600 followers (what?!), and I wanted to do something a bit more to say thank you to all of you for putting up with me while I’m on my bullshit. So I went back through my favorite episodes and made some gifs for you, too! 

Here you go. Hope you like it!!

Gigi’s Top 10 Queliot Moments (YMMV):

10. This is from 1x03, Consequences of Advanced Spellcasting, and… it’s such a great breathing space. This whole episode, the Eliot + Quentin sideplot to retrieve the book was a delight, and it only happened because Eliot is so far gone on this boy. He could have taken literally any of the Physical Kids with him, but no, he’s got a crush on the super cute nerd that just moved in and so it HAS to be Q that comes with him. Eliot is highkey flirting with Quentin here, both as emotional support, and - I will maintain until my dying day - if Kady hadn’t blown the hinges off that door he was planning to make a move on Q that afternoon.

9. I have so many feelings???? This is from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. Things are complex interpersonally between the whole gang right now, but out of everyone parting ways with Eliot, Q is who we get to see saying goodbye. Eliot is actually high king now, and he’s not any less depressed, or damaged emotionally or mentally. It didn’t immediately fix him like he wanted (much like how magic didn’t immediately fix Quentin, but that’s a meta for another time), and now he’s staring down being all that and an unknown future ruling this frankly odd kingdom (from books he apparently never bothered to read? El, baby. SMH.) potentially for the rest of his life without his friends. The two of them are so tender, Q initially leaning against Eliot to provide support, and then he doesn’t hesitate even a moment when Eliot asks for a hug. What at that point could be the very last hug he ever gets from Quentin in this lifetime. There is such a depth of feeling here between the two of them and I’m so glad the show gave us this (in S2! I’m!).

8.  1x11, Remedial Battle Magic. Look at our babies and how happy they are?! I know they’re drunk on wine and emotions and about to seriously fuck their friendships up, but have they ever gotten a moment to breathe and be happy in each other’s presence since this? They haven’t. It’s been arguments and recriminations and quests and beasts and averting world-ending disasters since they woke up from this night. So I treasure this moment of soft smiles and touches (even Margo, I am not opposed to Marqueliot in this list at all). And of course, the threesome it is leading up to, and all of the implications and interpretations of that night that they take forward into the series with them.

7. “I’m trying to tell you, you are not alone here.” From 1x02, The Source of Magic, this bonding scene has always felt very profound to me. These two boys have literally known each other, what, less than a week now? And here is Eliot “feelings are for other people” Waugh, opening up about his past traumas to try and connect with Quentin. The only other person we’ve ever seen him do this with is Mike - Eliot’s other love interest - and we know he told Margo during their Trials. This is Q confessing his biggest fear - that if he loses magic, he will lose his tenuous hold on his mental health - and Eliot reciprocating that confession: inducting Q into the very, very select circle of Eliot’s confidantes. This is each of them accepting some measure of comfort from the presence and understanding of the other, and a moment that underpins their entire relationship from this moment forward.

6. I’m cheating with this one, but I wanted to show both sides of this dynamic, and Quentin and Eliot have not had a chance to fight for their relationship together in the main timeline yet, so these will have to work for now. The first gif is from 4x06, A Timeline and Place, and the second is from 3x13, Will You Play With Me? It’s so, so important to see these moments - even if our boys are dumb and they don’t start fighting until the very last second - when they are willing to lay down everything, and burn down the world for each other. Quentin will NOT let the Monster kill Eliot’s body, and Eliot will NOT let Quentin throw away his future to play jailer to a sociopathic child-god. When push comes to shove, they will choose each other every time. Now if we could only get them to do that when the stakes aren’t life and death, am I right?

5. Another moment from 2x01, Knight of Crowns. This coronation scene is just… Remember that they are fractured leading up to this: we’re coming right off of the fall out from the threesome, and Eliot has been spiraling for episodes now. But then we get this super tender declaration from Quentin: “So, destiny is– it’s bullshit…. For what it’s worth, I think you’re going to be a really good king.” And Eliot’s eyes just, light up, his whole face lifts. Because here is someone who believes in him, wholly and truly. Even after everything they just fucked up together, and separately, Q (someonee good and true) has faith in Eliot, and it’s infectious. They’re both looking at each other here like no one else exists in the world, like nothing is important in this moment except each other. And thats?? Beautiful?!

4. I fucking love this shot. Q kicking over those tiles and then saying “Oops.” is a whole-ass mood. Okay, so this is obviously from 3x05, A Life in the Day, and I could easily have made and entire top 10 list of JUST moments from this sequence because it’s all SO AMAZING. The beauty of all life, amiright? But this moment is so important to me. Making a conscious choice, every day to choose this quest and choose each other takes a toll. Ask anyone you know who’s been in a committed relationship for years. Sometimes it’s just fucking hard. They’ve been at this for so long that their clothes from Earth (which, I’ll remind you, they were still wearing at their 1 year anniversary) have worn thin, and they’re wearing traditional Fillorian garb. This was supposed to be over years ago, but they’re still going.  And Q is struggling. And Eliot is struggling. And they argue, but neither of them walks away. I always have to stop and pause at this part of the episode, because this is so domestic and realistic that it makes me cry. And if I start crying here, I’m useless for the rest of the sequence once we get to Arielle and Teddy.

3. 1x01, Unauthorized Magic. So, so many people have talked about Q and El’s first meeting, how Eliot spread himself out on the Brakebills sign elegantly and Quentin’s one bisexual braincell shorted out to the point where, for a moment, he couldn’t even words. But I so rarely see people talk about this moment, when Quentin asks Eliot if he’s hallucinating. This look, right here, is so soft, and sweet. I’m sure Eliot gets hit on all the time, and he was 100% flirting with Quentin when he jumped off that sign and gave him an “I could eat you up” once over. But this is the moment Eliot decided that Margo needed to know about the cute new boy who thought Eliot was exactly the kind of person he would dream into existence, if he made those kinds of decisions. Right here. The beginning of it all.

2. Back to 3x05, A Life in the Day, and if you’re surprised this is my #2 moment you must be new here. This is a kiss that has been brewing for a long time. One not rooted in emotion bottles, and not one that can be passed off as being too drunk to know what you’re doing. Quentin sets his cup down, and starts to say something, but ends up finishing his thought with this kiss. It’s short, but not tentative, and Eliot is… look at his face. He’s surprised, because he’s pretty sure they fucked up their chances at this a season and a half ago. But Q is there and he’s not apologizing and he’s not panicking, and that gives Eliot the courage to reach out and pull Q back in. And for a little while, it’s not about the quest, it’s not about defeating a monster, it’s not about fixing anything they’ve fucked up. This is just about them. 

1. “Fifty years. Who gets that kind of proof of concept? Peaches and plums, motherfucker. I’m alive in here!” 4x05, Escape from the Happy Place.So, this scene is where I live now, my trashcan, if you will, with these dumb boys and their dumb faces. Eliot’s absolutely perfect timing, and his delight to see Quentin is just- Just beaming out of his face here. This is the first of many chances he’s going to have to set the record straight, and he does it with style. This was a declaration of love - peaches and plums - and one that only Eliot would be able to give, and only Quentin would be able to understand. Q has been so beat down and defeated this episode, like he’s walking through a world that has faded into black and white, but we can see the moment he understands and the light comes back into his eyes. “Eliot’s alive. He’s alive.”

Honorable mentions to: “I’m Team Eliot.”, “Could I maybe have Eliot back?”, “I find you, and I don’t say magic is real, but I do seduce you”, and the extended throne room scene from 3x05/4x05 - which only didn’t make the list because I couldn’t pick a single shot to slice up for a gif.

[faul-lacks-motivation]

A Simple Analysis of the Differences Between FMA (2003) and FMA:B

I just spent the past week rewatching both Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and I have THOUGHTS that I need to put out into the void to get over the emptiness I feel from finishing such a wonderful series. Thoughts surrounding the distinct story and theme differences in the endings of both series. Please, come along for the ride if you wish. Spoilers a-plenty ahead. 

To preface, I first watched the original Fullmetal Alchemist series about ten years ago, in either 2009 or 2010. I loved it. Everything was amazing, except, I was disappointed in the ending - which is really spawning this whole analysis. After I finished the series, and the movie to cap it off, I found Brotherhood on the streaming service I was using, and was rightly confused. FMA was one of my first introductions to anime, so I didn’t know much about the world of anime or manga. Because of this, I asked my older brother and he told me not to bother with Brotherhood. (Idk if his thoughts have changed regarding this). So, it wasn’t until, maybe four years later that I decided to give Brotherhood a chance. First, I saw a few random episodes on Adult Swim, and was confused that 1) Al could do alchemy without a circle, and 2) why the hell was Ed so tall? For the first confusion, I blame that on forgetting the lore of how the hand clapping alchemy plus the truth gate worked, and thought it was something special only Ed could do. Around this time, I realized that my school library had the FMA mangas, so I decided to start reading them, and was of course, enamored. Then, I think the library didn’t have all of the mangas, and somehow I had realized that the Brotherhood anime was basically identical to the manga, so I decided to pick up in the anime where I left off in the manga. 

I honestly don’t have much memory of watching FMA:B all those years ago. Maybe that’s because the last, what, 20 episodes is the finale, lol. But I do remember enjoying the ending, and wishing that I could pair the entirety of FMA with the ending of FMA:B. What I enjoyed so much about FMA was the serious, dark tone of it. At the time, I felt like FMA:B had a lighter, sillier tone to it, and I was pining for those depressing moments in FMA where Ed was losing his mind. What can I say? I like intense characters and shows. 

When I began my rewatch a week ago, I was reminded of just how dark FMA was. Of course, I still enjoyed it. I had a wonderful time reliving the show and rediscovering plot lines, and watching the boys do everything they can, but then I got to the last few episodes. To be clear, and for those who maybe haven’t watched FMA, the whole show is dark and depressing. There is very little hope. It is far more brutal and bloody, with the reality and trauma of war, even resulting in the r*pe of a beloved side character. Really, the writers just went off, which I think is evident by the story line of Tucker. The flipside of that, is that the darkness and trauma is toned down in FMA:B. It’s not as gory, and there’s more hope. Even the whole reconnecting the nerves thing that Ed goes through with his automail is far less painful. There is more comedy in FMA:B, but I realized in my rewatch that it is deserved and does not disrupt the tone and still allows for the show to be serious.

Don’t get me wrong, I love FMA for what it is. Like I said, I like intense characters, and I was waiting for those intense battle moments where Ed is scrappy and resourceful, and maybe on the verge of a mental breakdown. We get that in FMA:B too, but just not as much. During my rewatch, though, I realized how slow the pace of the show was, especially when you get to the second half. I’m sure we can discuss that this was because the anime started when there was just a few volumes out and the creator wanted the anime to take on a different story, which they certainly did, but it is slow. Especially when you compare it to the pace of Brotherhood. 

Now, my biggest qualm is the ending of FMA. It always has been, and here’s why: there is no internal change within Ed and Al. They end where they began. Writing and pace aside, the end of the FMA series has the boys alone. Loneliness is the one of the biggest differences between the two stories. Throughout FMA, the brothers are always keeping their mouths shut and just trying to stay on track with their mission. The adults, and Roy’s gang, try to step in, try to help and offer support, but the boys are still pretty hell bent on keeping it a family matter. And this gets into the “no hope” aspect to the tone of the show. After shit goes down in Liore and Al becomes the philosopher stone, he and Ed take off on their own. Sure, Roy’s gang stops them, and tries to help, but even then, Ed and Al still stubbornly keep their secrets. Perhaps this is because they truly feel there is very little hope. They know that the philosopher stone is made from human lives. They thought that they had saved Liore, when in reality, they contributed to how fucked up it got (which is a huge difference in FMA:B). Now, thousands of soldiers are dead, they’re fugitives, and Al himself is a philosopher stone. I can even argue that Ed is far more emotionally stoic in this series, which contributes to the tone. 

Sure, the boys do achieve some change when they encounter their mother-homunculus. They find acceptance with her death, but they are still alone. And mind you, at this point in the show, we’re winding down, yet these battles don’t feel intense and climatic. They’re somber. Sad. A big theme of FMA is “what does it mean to be human?” This is a big part of Lust’s character, and she does what she can to help the boys, and then fizzles into death, thinking about her human life and love. Sloth acknowledges that she could love Ed and Al, but she wants to kill them, and at the very end she accepts her death. Wrath, a lost child who wanted a mom because he felt abandoned, now loses his mother figure in Sloth, and loses his mind. He’s crying out about wanting his mother and wanting to bring her back (a foil for Ed? What? No way). The boys are separated, having felt loss once again.

Then, we get the final battle. I’ll gloss over the parallel world thing, but what we get, is the boys going into battle alone. Sure, Al didn’t have a choice, but Ed did. He is so caught up in his turmoil and his desperate need to save his brother from his mistakes. He can’t fathom bringing in anyone else, and the crazy part is that all the adults in his life let him go into battle alone. There is nuance to that, of course, it’s not so cut and dry, they all had shit to do, but still. Even with Hohenheim around, he offers very little to his sons, and also goes off into battle alone (which yes, is similar to FMA:B, but his decision kept the boys out of the loop, and fucked up everyone). 

And then, in the most anti-climatic moment, Ed dies. Envy shocks him with the reveal of his appearance (which I would call bullshit on), and he straight up dies. Not in a heroic way, just in a sad, he ran out of luck way (which is reflective of the serious tone of the series). And really, even with all of that, the boys basically luck their ways into saving the world. Once the villain is taken care of, Al does something out of desperation. He uses the philosopher stone, and sacrifices himself, to save his brother. What ensues is a cycle of toxic desperation and sacrifice. He uses the stone, which really, they both said they shouldn’t use because of the lives lost. What he does, is not accept the reality and finality of death, which if they were going to have an internal change by the end, it would be accepting that. But he doesn’t, so he brings Ed back. And then Ed, not respecting that his brother wanted to give himself up, decides to then sacrifice himself to bring Al back. What we see, is the same problem that they got into in the beginning. Their incapability to accept death and move one. They can’t even find a new way to bring their bodies or souls back, Ed does what he did when he was a child to sacrifice himself to bring Al back. And the sad thing is that Ed is completely calm during this. He knows what he is doing. And, it is sad. Even after that, when we learn of the new, younger Al, who doesn’t even have his memories of the past 3-4 years of him and his brother, states that he still wants to continue their mission. What we see, is that nothing was learned. Al is going on the same mission he started the series with. And sure, at the end of the movie that finished the series, they are back together, but they are alone in a different world without alchemy. And we, as the viewers, know that there is very little chance of them coming back to their home world. FMA ends, with the boys alone, still. 

Now, on the flipside of that we have FMA:B. Instead of the boys stubbornly refusing help until the very end, they let others in. They know that they need help. It’s why the finale is basically the last 20 episodes, because there are so many moving parts to save the day. And I’ll be real, when watching those final episodes, I did find myself wanting more of solo brother moments. I wanted to see more of Ed’s resourceful fighting, but because he had so many people on his side, he didn’t need to resort to that. And that truly is the point of FMA:B: having people on your side. Getting down to the last moments, what we have is 1) a far more epic battle, and 2) Al still sacrifices himself. BUT, this sacrifice feels justified. In the moment he decides to do so, he knows that Ed is about to die (emphasis: about), and that his soul seal is about to break. His sacrifice calls back to the other soldiers who sacrificed themselves to get in a mortal blow on the enemy. And Al uses logic with this. He realizes that if Ed gave up his arm for Al’s soul, then the reverse is true, and in that moment, Ed needs his arm in order to fight back. Al knows, that either he does nothing and they both die, or he sacrifices himself because he was going to die anyway and save his brother and everyone else. 

And Ed accepts this. He is angry and upset, of course, but he is able to stop the bad guy. And then we see his internal change. He is offered a philosopher stone to bring back Al. He says, no, of course not. His own father insists and offers himself because he is a philosopher stone. Again, no, of course not, this is our problem, we can’t sacrifice anyone else. So he thinks. He realizes everything he now has in his life, everything he gained, and decides to sacrifice something he really doesn’t need: his alchemy. If you think about it, the only reason he got so invested in using alchemy was out of lonely desperation to bring back his mother, and then to restore Al’s body. Why would he need alchemy when he has the support of so many loved ones and his brother? 

With FMA:B we get a satisfactory ending. Because the brothers are able to change and allow support from others, they are able to get back what they wanted. (I would assume that Ed probably didn’t care too much about getting his limbs back if it meant he got Al back, but hey, one out of two aint bad). Ed and Al are able to move on, and look brightly into their futures. Personally, I found that Ed being unable to use alchemy a bit of a bummer, but again, he recognizes that he doesn’t need it, and in the ending he reflects that the sacrifice was worth it, because it was. He got back his whole world and then some. 

What we have are two very different stories. I would argue FMA is a cautionary tale of loneliness and refusing help. FMA:B is the opposite. While both are enjoyable and intense and cinematic, that difference sticks with me. 

[rosesisupposes]

Ordinary Night

“send me a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it”

Prompt Tag

word count: 3,875

pairings: Ex-Anxceit; Background Remile;

warnings: divorce/abandonment; lost child; mentions of depressive and manic episodes; distressed nonverbal episode;

reader tags: @residentanchor​ @royally-anxious​ @bewarethegrammarpolice​ @jemthebookworm​ @arandompasserby​  @sparkly-rainbow-salt​ @astral-eclipse​​ @thelowlysatsuma​ @adorably-angsty​

I came up with the Single Dad AU a while ago but it’s never emerged from Discord to become a full story, but I love it very, very much. So thank you, nonny, for the excuse

Read on Ao3

“Give it back!”

“No, Dad said it’s my turn to pick the movie!”

“You always pick the same one! I’m tired of Winnie the Pooh!”

“But I like it!”

“Can we at least watch the Tigger one?”

“No! Pooh Bear!”

Young voices whined back and forth in an argument that had been held at least once a week for the last three months in the Sanders household. Six-year-old Patton was climbing on top of the couch cushions, brandishing the remote as eight-year-old Roman tried to reclaim it. Their younger brother, four-year-old Logan, watched from the corner in silence.

Their dad entered the room and, with practiced ease, plucked Patton from his teetering perch on the couch.

“Hey, hey, buddy, careful, okay? You might fall from up there!”

“Daaddd, Ro is trying to take my night again!”

The single father balanced his middle son on his hip as he looked sternly down his eldest.

“Roman, what have we talked about with movie nights?”

The second-grader sighed heavily, crossing his arms. “He gets to pick whatever movie he wants,” he recited, blowing strawberry blonde hair out of his eyes. “Even if it’s boring.”

“Pooh Bear isn’t boring!” Patton objected loudly, making his father wince from the volume.

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Boys. We will skip movie night entirely if you can’t behave,” Dad warned. Both children immediately went silent, but stuck tongues out at each other when they thought Dad couldn’t see.

“I’m going on an adventure, so that at least not all of today is boring,” Roman announced, running to the toy box for his tiny foam sword. “Where’s my noble steed?”

“I wanna come!” Patton cried, wriggling out of his father’s hold. Taking the remote back, Dad let him go as a small smile crept up at the corners of his mouth. How quickly they went from feuding to playing.

“Let’s go slay a dragon!” Roman cried, stabbing the air.

“What if we fight a witch?” said Patton with huge eyes, grabbing his matching foam shield.

“A dragon-witch!” Roman announced happily. “Lolo, wanna come?”

The youngest looked at the floor through glasses he already needed. “…don’ wanna”

“Aw, Lolo, you sure?”

“…scary,” the toddler said.

“We’ll protect you,” Patton said, crouching to look in his brother’s eyes. “Roro is the best knight ever! And I have a shield!”

Logan shook his head. Patton sighed and carefully patted his hand. “Next time? But only if you wanna, okay?”

Satisfied at the small nod, Patton trotted upstairs. Roman cast around before crouching behind the couch. “Ah! My steed!” he said happily. He stood with a cat in his arms. The tom bore being carried with long-suffering patience, held around the middle by small arms that could only just make it all the way around.

“Ro, be careful with Thomas, okay?” Dad warned. “Pat’s taken his medicine, but don’t let him bury his face in fur again.”

“Yes, I’ll be careful,” Roman said with all the indignance a eight-year-old could muster. He jauntily strode up the stairs after his brother, arms full of cat and sword.

His father watched him go as he settled on the couch. Logan crawled up into his lap and settled there, sitting up straight but balanced on his dad’s knee.

“Hey there, L. No adventure today?”

Logan shook his head.

“Just don’t want to, or something wrong?”

The little boy was silent.

“How is touching today? Thumbs up?” his dad asked, hand creating the gesture he referred to. His son responded in kind. Moving slowly, Dad pulled Logan into his chest, resting a hand lightly in the boy’s dark brown hair.

“Do you have the words for the something wrong, or is it just bad?” he asked softly.

“…miss Papa,” Logan replied, turning his head fully into Dad’s chest.

His father kissed the top of his head and held him close. He knew of his son’s tears from the dampness on his shirt rather than any sounds or shaking. When he could finally speak evenly, he replied, “I miss him too, Lolo.”

“When does he come back?”

“Maybe never.”

“Why?”

“I wish I knew, kiddo. I’m sorry I can’t give you a good reason.”

Logan clutched at the fabric of Dad’s shirt, still not looking up.

His father kissed his head again and leaned back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling as he blinked away tears. He was so tired of crying, so tired of knowing neither he nor his sons might ever understand why their other father had left. But it had been months without any communication, since they came home from the park to an empty house and a missing suitcase.

Three young boys, one beloved cat, one father who’d just lost the love of his life and his partner parent all at once. That was the Sanders household now. A night of childish yells and tears from the boys and their father alike: this was an ordinary night.

So how was Dad doing? He was a nervous wreck, of course. If he’d been a bit on edge before, it was nothing compared to the absolute personification of anxiety Virgil had become now.

As he breathed deeply to calm himself, Virgil ran a hand lightly through Logan’s soft, wavy hair. “What do you say to some Magic School Bus before dinner, Lo? Would that be good?”

“Mmhmm,” the toddler said with a nod, sliding off his dad’s lap.

As Virgil stood, Logan reached for his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. Virgil let himself be led to the smallest bedroom, where Logan immediately went to his small but growing book collection. He pulled out a CD that Virgil then placed in the small speakers he’d bought, back when he and his ex had adopted Roman. The “Baby Boombox,” Ethan had called it, as he filled Ro’s room with all his favorite Broadway soundtracks and Disney ballads. Then had come Patton, with Raffi songs and lullabies because they were the only things that would send him to sleep smiling when Roman was still active during naptime. And now there was Logan, who was soothed by the smooth strains of classical musicals and who listened with rapt attention (if not complete understanding) to audiobooks of all kinds. Virgil popped in Logan’s choice, “Lost in Space” and set it to play. Logan scooted his tiny plush chair as close as he could to the speaker and sat, staring up in wonder as his favorite narrator read about Ms. Frizzle’s class and whirling planets. Without interrupting, Virgil slipped out of his youngest son’s room and made his way to the kitchen to start dinner.

The pasta was cooking and the sauce bubbling on the stove when Virgil’s phone buzzed against the counter. He glanced at the screen and smiled.

If the past year had taught him anything, it was just how important family could be. He and his brother use to have a rather rocky relationship, never spending much time together. Unfortunately, Ethan had been part of the reason for the rift - Remy had never liked his brother-in-law and was never any good at hiding it. Normally when he was proven right about anything, Remy held it over his younger brother’s head for the rest of their lives. But not this time. Not when they’d sparked into full-on screaming matches over the years as Virgil asserted that Remy was wrong about Ethan. He was a good partner and an amazing father. He’d even said it, hadn’t he? His biggest ambition in life was to be a good papa.

Guess that had been a lie, too.

But no amount of friction and distance could have kept Remy away the night Virgil had called in tears. “Nuncle” Remy had been a near-constant fixture in the Sanders house ever since, particularly in those first couple of months. It had been Remy who’d suggested Virgil get the boys to therapists early, right after the split. It had been Remy’s husband Emile who’d found them matches among his colleagues, ones who made the boys feel safe and heard. It had been those therapists who discovered the reason behind Roman’s mood swings, identifying his bipolar personality disorder early and helping Virgil to get him the appropriate treatment. It had been Emile who’d cautiously suggested he get Logan fully evaluated for autism, and found him compassionate parenting resources to help relate and communicate with Lo better. Virgil would be a wreck without his brother and brother-in-law – or, rather, he’d be more of a wreck.

Which is why, when Logan went missing, Remy was the instinctual first call.

He’d heard Roman and Patton bounce down the stairs into the den, making dramatic sound effects as they fought their dragon-witch. He hadn’t heard the door open, or the soft steps of Logan following his brothers downstairs. He hadn’t seen Thomathy the tomcat be loosed into the yard as Roman cried, “Ride into the sunset, noble steed!” He hadn’t seen Logan stand on his tiptoes to re-open the door and follow the cat outdoors.

He’d just called for the older two boys and gone upstairs to get Logan when he’d found the CD player off and the chair empty. And that’s when the panic had kicked in.

“Lolo?” he called upstairs.

“Buddy?” he asked the den.

“Logan?!” he almost screeched into the basement.

Roman and Patton were obediently sitting at the kitchen table, fidgeting, when Virgil re-entered, eyes ablaze. “Where’s your brother? Was he playing with you?”

“No, he was too scared,” Roman scoffed.

Patton, on the other hand, looked concerned. “I think maybe he followed us? He was trying to pet Tommy.”

“Where is Thomas?” their father asked, the edge in his voice rising. “You were playing with him, where did he go?”

Roman shrank in his seat as he realized this was more than just make-believe. “He… I wanted him to be free?” He pointed to the back door with a shaky hand.

Virgil stared at his eldest son, biting back harsh words of frustration. He was eight, he didn’t know better yet. But the panic was rising, thrumming through his veins and disrupting his ability to think straight.

He grabbed his phone and hit the speed dial to Remy.

“Rem? I need you here,” he said the minute his brother picked up. “Logan got out of the house chasing the cat.”

“Shit, okay, I’ll be there in 5,” Remy said, already hanging up before Virgil could point out that he lived a ten-minute drive away. He arrived in three. Normally his driving habits pissed Virgil the hell off, but at that moment, it was all he can do to not cry in relief as he grabbed a flashlight and his extensive first aid kit from under the sink and ran out the back door.

Remy was soon placing himself bodily in front of the door to prevent either older brother from charging after.

“I’m a bad prince, I’m the villain,” Roman choked out through his tears. “It’s all my fault.”

“I gotta keep him safe!” Patton said. He tried and failed to climb onto the counter, but grabbed what ‘supplies’ he could reach into his school bag, a collection of juiceboxes and goldfish and band-aids.

“Hey, hey, little dudes, c’mon,” Remy said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. “C’mere.”

They were just small enough and he was just big enough to gather them both into his arms at once, even as they wriggled and tried to escape.

“Dad’s gonna get Lo back, okay? They’ll both be back soon,” he said, carrying the boys to the couch. “And Tomma-llama-ding-dong too.” He placed them both on the couch. They were both red-eyed and drippy-noed, but no longer trying to make a break for it. He grabbed tissues and wiped their faces and noses, moving gently. He watched Roman particularly hard. He’d been present for downward spirals before, when the mania and hyperactivity fell, gradually or suddenly, into dark days where the boy could barely get out of bed.

Remy ran soft fingers through Roman’s light hair, remembering. The worst depressive episode had lasted a full week and a half, and Virgil had been despondent. It was right after that bastard Virgil’s ex had walked out on them, and of course Virgil had blamed himself, telling Remy that Ro’s depression was all his fault for not being a good enough father. He would have curled up around his boy and begged him to be okay, if Remy hadn’t sat on his chest reminded him that he had two other sons that needed him. Childish? Yes, quite literally, sitting on him was Remy’s favorite way of picking on his little brother when they had been children themselves. But it had worked, and Roman was getting treatment now, both medications and therapy, and both his uncles and his dad had learned strategies to help keep him from getting trapped in his up- and down-swings.

Now, Patton imitated Remy, patting a slightly-stick hand on Roman’s shoulder in a sweet attempt at grounding techniques. More than any of the boys, Patton took after Virgil, always trying to keep his brothers safe. He was fierce in his defense of them towards others, but gentle and soft when he saw them sad. Remy ruffled Patton’s honey-gold curls with his free hand and stood. He had Roman and Patton Sanders in his care, and they were sad and worried. It was time for some Disney movies.

The sun was falling below the horizon as Logan followed the family cat into the woods behind their house. He trotted as fast as his still-chubby toddler legs could carry him, following the brown-and-black striped tail of the big tabby. Galloping paws quickly carried the pet out of sight, but Logan kept plodding along in the same vague direction. Scarcely noticing the growing dark, he clutched his worn, stuffed octopus tightly in one hand as he walked further and further into the forest. When Papa had asked when he wanted to name it, he’d looked up and said “Octopus.” His tone had been one of “Well, duh,” and his voice had been so deadpan for a three-year-old that Virgil had fallen into intermittent fits of giggles for hours after. But he’d carried it continuously ever since, particularly as he listened to his books on the deep sea. He clutched it tight as he finally caught up to Thomas. The tabby had found a mossy patch under a tree, caught in the last patch of sunlight, and curled up contently. Logan sat next to him and patted his head, content that he’d finally done what he set out to do. But looking up, the toddler realized he could no longer see the edge of the forest and wasn’t sure which direction he’d come from. He was in the middle of the forest, alone, with no notion of how to get home. Logan didn’t cry, or yell, or flail. He just froze, everything locking down in the face of a situation he didn’t understand and couldn’t solve. He might have stood like that for minutes or hours, but Thomcat chose that moment to stand with a stretch and wind his way around his smallest family member, purring as he rubbed up against Logan’s short legs. The warmth drew him out of his paralysis, and he sat heavily on the mossy stump. The cat leapt into his lap, covering most of his tiny torso in warm fur as the beloved pet continued to purr. Clutching tufts of Thomas’ fur in one hand and Octopus in the other, Logan’s emotions thawed and he started to sniffle, then cry aloud. His hiccups and sobs reverberated off the unfamiliar trees that surrounded him.

Virgil crashed through the trees, flashlight and first aid kit in hand, trying his best to keep a level head. Logan was missing. His little boy, the tiniest, quietest member of their family, was alone, somewhere probably dying in the forest definitely kidnapped by child stealers lost in the unfriendly woods. He’d made that promise, over and over again through the long adoption process: he would keep his sons safe. He would protect them. He wouldn’t let anything dangerous happen to them. Ethan may not have meant it, but Virgil had, with every fiber of his being. He would keep his family safe, every single member.

He trusted Remy to be a good caretaker to Pat and Ro right now, but he worried for his eldest. He just dashed into ideas and plans without thinking, so much more than either of his brothers. And of course, Virgil knew why. A memory sprang to life like a film reel in his head without his bidding.

“Papa, look at me! I’m gonna be just like Peter Pan! I can fly!”

“Of course you can, Roro! If you wish hard enough!”

A summer day, lazy and bathed in golden light. It had been magical in a way - no wonder Roman had believed in super abilities. But that moment, Virgil had finally seen what was happening as he rounded the corner, an infant Logan strapped to his chest and Patton holding his hand.

“Fly- Roro! Kiddo, please get down from the roof!”

Ethan had just chuckled. “Shhh, V, he’ll probably be fine. He’s gotta learn somehow, right?”

Patton, all of three years old and still lisping, had shook a finger at his older brother.

“Wowo, get down fwom thewe!”

“You can’t stop me, ‘m a PRINCE!” the five-year-old had yelled back, approaching the edge of the shed roof.

Virgil had dropped Pat’s hand to run, shrieking more than speaking as he yelled, “Roman Sanders, do not jump off that roof! You’re going to get down safely!”

Ethan had barely budged, too busy laughing his ass off. It had ended up being Virgil alone who helped Roman get down, letting him be Dad the Downer while Papa stayed ‘the fun one’ in Roman’s eyes. Was it any wonder he’d blamed himself for Ro’s bipolar swings?

But he’d learned better since then. Being a ‘fun’ dad didn’t matter at all if he couldn’t keep them safe, first and foremost. He would find his little boy, and their cat, and he would bring them home. He checked his first aid kit as he walked and sighed with relief. He’d remembered to re-stock it recently. In addition to the bandages and ice packs and ointments and band-aids in everyone’s favorite characters, he’d packed everyone’s favorite treats. He had cat treats for Thomas, which he immediately took out and started wafting, and he had tiny containers of Crofter’s jelly, Logan’s only favorite food that he always wanted to eat, no matter his mood. Virgil listened to the forest hard for any noise besides the rustling wind. He had his flashlight turned on even before the sun fully set, to make sure Logan would see him coming. His heart still raced, frantically pointing out every passing second and minute that his son remained missing. Every moment he was out here was another moment he could be tripping over roots or eating poisonous berries or getting a rash or being abducted or hitting his head or…

Deep breaths, Virge, he reminded himself. In for four. Hold for seven. Out for eight. The calming reminders in his head spoke with Emile’s voice, gentle and soothing. He could only do his job as Dad if he kept his head and stayed alert. He listened hard again, noting small animals, leaves falling, choked sobs, branches cracking, distant cars, and -

Sobs! Where were they coming from?

He picked up his pace, needing to double back a couple times before he was heading in the direction of the noise. He swept his flashlight in front of him with one hand and shook the cat treats with the other as he called out.

“Logan? Is that you? Logan? Thomas?”

The sobs stopped abruptly, and the flashlight beam illuminated a tiny form unraveling itself from a fluffy one almost the same size. “Dada?”

Virgil sprinted the last few yards. He worried for a moment that Logan might need to avoid touch right now, but that fear was dispelled with the toddler threw himself into his father’s arms.

“Lolo, are you alright? I was so worried, kiddo! Did you hurt yourself? Were you scared? I’m here, I’ll get you home, okay?”

“Dada, ‘m sorry.”

“Why sorry, Loberry?”

“I was bad, an’ I got lost,” Logan said, gripping Virgil’s jacket and Octopus with equal tightness.

“Oh, my little Lo, no, you weren’t bad. We should have been with you, I should have been watching. I’m so sorry, honeybear. But you’re safe now, okay? We’re gonna go home.”

Virgil knelt, picking up Logan and balancing him on one hip, then picking up a long-suffering Thomas and draping the cat over his shoulder. He was a bit encumbered by his first aid kit, but nothing could bother him now that his little boy was safely in his arms.

Searching for Logan had felt like an eternity, but had been less than 20 minutes. When father and son and cat entered the back door, the Disney movie (Sleeping Beauty, Remy’s choice) hadn’t yet finished. The door closing woke up Roman and Patton from where they had dozed off, but they were immediately up and hugging Virgil’s legs.

Their father ruffled their heads as he gentled let Logan stand on his own, then pulled them all into a group hug.

“We’re gonna talk tomorrow, okay, kiddos? About Thomas safety and Lolo safety. But tonight we’ll just relax together, now that we’re all home. I love you all so much.”

“I love you, Dad”

“Love you too!”

“Me too, Dada.”

By the end of the night and the second movie (Atlantis, Logan’s request, and Patton had conceded that he didn’t want any movies with woods), the Sanders house had quieted. Virgil could feel his heartbeat return to normal for the first time in hours as he gazed fondly at his sons. All three had fallen asleep, sprawled across the couch and Virgil’s lap. Remy had helped them change before heading home with a last firm hug and reassurance that, “You done good, bro.” Logan’s head rested on Virgil’s thigh, the horn of his unicorn onesie flopping over as he slept. Patton was snuggled up as close as Logan had okayed, cat ears folded over on his one onesie. And Roman had pulled a pillow on the ground so that he could be next to all of them, a tiny lion defending his pride in the onesie that he was practically “too old for,” but that he’d still wear when Pat asked him to. Thomas the tomcat, exhausted by his forest adventure, was curled into a ball in a laundry basket.

So how was Dad doing?

He’d never be completely at ease, not with so much depending on him, not with so many obstacles to overcome. But for tonight, Virgil was content.

[unicornsandphoenix]

Blog Birthday??!!?!!?!?!

Helloooooo alll! So not only is today my wife’s birthday (I keep saying wife and I feel like someone is gonna believe it too much someday?), but also! It is my blog birthday!!!!! Fucking shit you guys! Happy birthday to this blog! Some cool facts about this blog:

1) Today, it is 1 year old (shit my dudes, it’s real)

2) It was started purely because I had a story that I wanted to post and I was tired of not reblogging fan content but only liking, so the side blog was created

3) There are so many instrumental people who went into creating this blog oh ho ho let me tell you about it under the cut, sorry to everyone who was tagged I went ham

4) This blog has grown to have more followers than I deserve

5) Has gotten me out of some pretty bad depressive episodes

6) Is my child that I want so very much to nurture

So just.... A very big thank you goes out to everyone seeing this. Because even in indirect ways, you have all affected me and shaped me in some way. So thank you, I love you all! (And of you were tagged, even if you don’t read on, please know you affected something about this blog in the biggest way possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3)

If you’d like, please read to see the complete history about my time on here, but if not, I hope your day is extra happy today! Because mine was! <3

So all in all, after I got to read a ton of fanfics online as a guest on AO3, I finally made my own account that held LITERALLY nothing but bookmarked fics that I really wanted to read. When this happened, I looked to tumblr for more Harry Potter content. Since then I have two fics that I have written for fests (1 and 2), dozens of drabbles and head cannons floating around tumblr  (under #phiawrites), written 10 fics on AO3, gained a thousand followers or so, and smiled so much more often.

About two years ago, I started actively seeking out blogs. The first every drarry blog I followed religiously, with notifications and everything, was @dorthyanndrarry. Her writing INSPIRED ME, and I would stalk her writing blog daily to see if there was new content to enjoy. Next was @l0vegl0wsinthedark, who not only blew me away with writing, but also with support. She was always so so so kind to everyone, and so excited, and her presence was exactly what I wanted to be as well. Of course, with love, I had to obsess over @bixgirl1 next, and obsess I DID. Sometimes I would get so overwhelmed with notifications, I had to turn them all off, but I would always make it a habit to go back and read their blogs later.

The next big big big step for me, was Jeni. I had followed @drarrymylove for a while, and Jeni wrote such amazing and beautiful drabbles for asks, even anon asks, and I was truly so inspired by them. I would send her asks with prompts, and to my utter delight and surprise, she wrote a few out!!!! They are still my favorites, and I still read them from time to time. About 13 months ago, she sent me a message after I left a comment on something of hers, and I grabbed on and held on to the convo like a life raft on open water.

Soon after, I created this blog on January 20th, 2018. I started reblogging like a wildfire, and I could not get enough.

Next, would definitely be staganddragon (not entirely sure if she wants her new blog to be separate now, so I will keep silent on her blog name). Emily wrote amazing songs, like songs I would listen to on repeat over and over and over and over. This was all around 12 months ago, a little after I started to talk with Jeni, and I got so so so inspired by the song Tuesday Morning, that I just HAD to write. I sat down, and in one five hour sitting, cranked out my first fic. Emily was super supportive, so was Jeni (who at this time didn’t know yet that I was this blog, she thought we were two separate people), and I was riding high.

Soon after, Jeni made a post, or said something, about how there should be more fairytales for drarry, and I quite agreed, and reblogged the post saying that if she wrote one for me, I would write one for her. She agreed, and tagged my other blog only to find out it was me all along, and I went into writing my next fic(s). Jeni gifted me The Nightingale, and I gifted her my cinderella AUs that Emily graciously beta-ed and grew to be more out of control than I thought. I was hooked.

After that, things happened fairly quickly for me. I started betaing, I joined the discord, I met so many amazing people through it (especially in the sprinting section), I wrote more, I responded more to content, I created content.

I met @morgendaemmerung89 who drew me this for one of my drabbles (that I still scream about constantly)

I met @gnarf who is an absolute gem, and inspired me so so much with the fact that she essentially TAUGHT HERSELF ENGLISH TO WRITE, and wrote such heart wrenching stories like Harry Potter’s Biggest Fan 

I wrote a birthday present for carpemermaidtales, and a present for @goldentruth813 (who also was so kind and inspiring as a writer and as a supporter with every single person she interacted with. Like... I was in awe. Still am most of the time)

I made friends with @snortinglaughter by telling her we were best friends anonymously and giving her clues as to who I was through anon before she found me (which kinda might be my MO but hey, here we are right?) because Gigi was the absolute best and I was obsessed with her blog as well as her writing such as this one

I was obsessed with @decanthrope‘s ability to say such bizarre things and weave a story out of a single sentence. There is also that way the fics were written so supremely well as well. Take a look

I don’t even remember how I became friends with Jess, @nifflers-n-nargles, but her writing is amazing and I can’t for the life of me tell you how happy I am that I did, as we are married on discord now with @hogwartsfirebolt (who is the sweetest and the loveliest and all around the best ok ok she writes like a dream) Gigi, and @slashfoxes (who had her birthday on my blogs birthday so of course we were destined to be, here is some of her hot stuff)

I talked to @mzuul a few times after I sent her anonymous love letters  through the ask box because her art literally makes my heart stop beating for a few seconds so I can take in how utterly amazing it is, and low key inspired me to try to draw a little on my own

I met @foularcadebanana, whom I love with all of my heart, and literally helped me through so fuckign much its not even funny. She was my biggest supporter over the summer with some fics of mine, and I can’t tell her enough how grateful I am for her. I wrote her this little thing here, and if you haven’t read her stuff, please fucking do here is her Big Bang (yes, she did do that kudos to her)

I met @violetclarity who is a gem of a human, and me in like 4 years I have decided, who writes magNIFICENTLY so please check her out

@xx-thedarklord-xx is literally a sweetheart (though she might try and deny it) and I am still shocked that she actually talks to me because she was a BIG name to me starting off, and I ADORED her blog so much, still do, and her writing skills I would literally kill for

@jadepresley talked to me after I left one too many screaming comment on her current fic (seen here), which is absolutely wild and boggles my mind every time it happens... we are best friends now though. NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT FROM ME

@jet-playin writes the funniest and hottest things, and honestly I loved every bit of our interactions

@assassinsdragons was one of the first blogs I noticed in my notes, and everything she had to say was so incredibly kind, and she writes now tooo!!!

@saintdrarry makes absolutely stunning artwork. I am still in awe looking at it, and you should be too. I am so impressed with this gal, let me tell you, she will go places, and I am so happy to be apart of her life

I really can’t tell you how much these people have affected my life and influenced it for the better. Of course, this isn’t everyone, not even close, but just know how thrilled I was to know all of you. Thank you so so so much.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 3 - Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

All right people - so some shit went down, and between Avengers: Endgame and this, I imagine the entire nerd populace of the world is going to be comatose this week. You have permission to take a break from twerking for a moment, because damn. But first, let’s unpack.

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode. So if you don’t know who dies, who fucks who, and how to turn the brightness up on your TV high enough, turn back now.

So we start out like La La Land with like a long tracking shot checking in on a bunch of people. We’ve got Sam bopping around all -

Before he passes it off to P-Dinky, who’s like -

While Lady Sophia Grace is just like -

Except it’s all just like... morbidly depressing. And Bran is there.

So yeah Bran is off to the godswood where I’m sure he’s going to do something very very important, while everyone else is chilling on the battlements. We’ve got Sansa.

And Barack.

And Gendry.

Anyway, the horses are starting to get kinda impatient. And like oh wow Ghost is here!

When suddenly we start pulling in on the darkness opposite our heroes. And I’m like-

But we don’t get any zombies yet because first who should come clomp clomping in but Big Red herself, riding solo.

And people she’s got a real special pre-game ritual she wants to share when she goes full Oprah like, “YOU GET A FIRE SWORD! AND YOU GET A FIRE SWORD! AND YOU GET A FIRE SWORD!”

So Big Red is strutting into Winterfell all -

And Davos is like, “Um, can we talk about Baby Girl Dragonface?” And Big Red is just like -

And anyway there’s no time, because the Dothraki are charging. We’ve got Jorah, we’ve got fire catapults, we’ve got Ghost all -

And it’s really fucking fierce but they’re also running into the darkness and I’m like -

Well, it turns out they couldn’t see what the fuck they were headed toward either because all of a sudden they’re like -

And all the fires just go -

Everybody’s like -

Anyway, D-Baby and J-Snow are doing what they do best and being boring on a cliff somewhere. And J-Snow’s all, “Blah blah blah gotta wait for the Night Queen.” But D-Baby’s like, “Those are my boys.”

And like, thank God because the zombies. Are. Here. So they’re rushing our Unsullied bros all -

And people are just getting fucking mauled. Except like, Brienne. And Jaime. And Tormund. And Pod. And Gendry. And Sam. But like everyone who we don’t know? They’re getting mauled. Until Deus Ex D-Baby swoops in once again all -

And like, thank God her indiscriminate fire blasting doesn’t wind up killing any of our heroes, because like. That would be crazy. 

Joining the derby is J-Snow, who is suddenly a whiz at flying a dragon thanks to his Impromptu Booty Call Lesson. And he sees the Frosty Posse (copyright John Way) literally CHILLING at the edge of the woods and is like -

Until the Posse’s like -

Thereby creating worse whiteout conditions than when I was driving home from my grandma’s two Christmases ago. AND THAT SHIT WAS BAD! So like all the good guys and the zombies are like -

But the snow’s like -

And I’m like -

Except That One Night’s Watch Guy died. That was sad.

At this point, Sansa’s like, “I’ma go see how things are down in the crypt.” But she’s greeted by like the shadiest looks ever, to which she’s just like -

And GURL. Things are not going well upstairs, because everyone has quickly gone from this -

to this -

While D-Baby and J-Snow are flying around like Diana Ross in the blizzard scene from The Wiz. SIDEBAR: THERE IS NO GIF OF THAT BUT YOU TRULY MUST LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING BATSHIT AND ALSO A VERY APPROPRIATE COMPARISON FOR THIS SHIT.

So everybody’s charging back into Winterfell and Barack is trying to light some big trench thing. But it’s so fucking dark and blizzardy that D-Baby’s like -

And so our boys keep trying all these different non-dragon ways to light them but the zombies are just like -

So at this point I legit think Barack is gonna jump in like -

But then I remember WE GOT BIG RED! Who decides to take this opportunity to move. So. Fucking. Slowly.

Finally she gets to the trench and she’s all -

And the trench is like -

Meanwhile, down in the crypts, Varys is like, “At least we’re already in a crypt.” And I’m like - IN THIS SITUATION THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING! Like, in the “Game Revealed” doc on this episode, Peter Dinklage literally says, “We’re fighting a guy who can bring the dead back to life and we’ve put the women and children in the crypt. Tyrion’s smart, but I guess not that smart...”

Anyway, back to Bran.

who suddenly is all -

And it’s kinda like, “Fine, Bran, you’re real shitty company anyway.” So he like Vision Quests into the ravens, who fly around for no other purpose other than to give the Night Queen her grand Season 8 entrance.

So she’s here, she’s fierce, her head is her crown, get used to it. And what better way to kick things off than waving her little hand and making all the zombies go -

right into the fire. So now we gotta defend the wall. Except they’re all like -

While the Night Queen finds J-Snow and is like -

Anyway, there’s a lot more fighting.

And in the middle of it all, the Hound is in full meltdown mode.

Luckily Arya’s here all -

And then something crazy happens. So like Lady Sophia Grace is back.

When suddenly, the Zombie Version of the Giant Who Doesn’t Like People Looking At Him crashes the party like -

And ohmigod he is so fucking rude he just like BITCHSLAPS Lady Sophia Grace to the ground.

And then Lady Sophia screams like the fucking fierce bitch she is and charges him, only to get squeezed like a mother. fucking. bug. And the Giant is like totally gonna fucking eat her.

But she’s still like -

And she stabs him in the fucking eye. 

She still dies though. RIP Lady Sophia.

Okay, so somewhere in the middle of all this, THIS happens to Arya -

So she’s running around the castle with like a minor concussion all -

until she stumbles into the Library Section of the Haunted Mansion, where the more literate zombies are browsing.

So she distracts them with a diversion.

Yes, Legolas, that’s what I just fucking said. And then she’s outta there. But not before accidentally kabobbing Sharon Needles, who was just on her way to pick up a nice periodical, causing Sharon to relive her best runway -

Like, thanks Arya for making her even more fierce.

Anyway, she finally gets out of there and she’s all -

But then the zombies are like -

and then it’s just like -

Until she runs into the Hound and Eyepatch Dude, who totally bites it in a fierce-ass Jesus pose to save her.

RIP Eyepatch Dude.  Okay, at this point Arya and the Hound happen to find the one room with a door the zombies can’t Koolaid-Man through, and who should be chilling in there but BIG RED! And she’s all, “What do we say to the God of Death?” And Arya’s like -

Meanwhile, the Night Queen’s starting to blow shit up when J-Snow’s dragon attacks hers and totally Mike Tysons it.

So the Night Queen’s all -

and J-Snow’s dragon is all -

Meanwhile, D-Baby finds the Night Queen and is all -

But Ms. Queen is just like -

and heads off into the castle with the biggest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen in your life. So J-Snow’s after him all -

And Ms. Queen turns.

Before deciding to recreate her greatest hit - 

J-Snow’s like -

But it’s too late, because everyone is all -

And Ms. Queen just turns around like -

Okay, so meanwhile down in the crypt, everyone is totally shook that the dead are coming back to life and I’m just like -

While upstairs, D-Baby is too busy staring at J-Snow to realize the zombies are mauling her dragon for autographs! So the dragon is like -

But winds up knocking D-Baby off!!! So she’s like totally gone-zo when who should come to her rescue but Jorah!

Anyway, J-Snow’s trying to get to Bran, because like - God forbid he get interrupted on his raven joyride. And he sees Sam, who seems to be spending this entire episode all -

But J-Snow’s like -

So anyway, shit’s really hitting the fan now, and P-Dinky and Sansa are looking at each other all -

When the music decides to bring things down a bit.

And it’s just like zombie dragon flipping out, people dying, Jorah going all -

And meanwhile Theon and the Ironborn have decided that the best way to protect Bran is just to use arrows? But like now Theon has a spear? Anyway, Ms. Queen and the Frosty Posse are strutting into the godswood all -

And Bran has had enough fucking around with the ravens, so he comes back to earth long enough to tell Theon -

Which I guess translates to, “Go charge the Magic Ice Man For Me Even Though He’s Def Gonna Kill You, Charlie Brown.” Anyway, Theon? He dead, and so Ms. Queen can truck on to Bran like -

Until finally he’s there. And Ms. Queen is all -

And Bran is like -

And truly truly truly I thought it was gonna end here. Or like, Ms. Queen would take Bran and that’d be that. But never in a million years, and I mean a MILLION YEARS did I think Arya was gonna come flying in like -

‘Cause she goes -

And he goes -

And then everything’s just like -

At this point everyone ON the show, WATCHING the show, or in any way affiliated with the show is just like -

Except for Bran. ‘Cause like. Of course.

So now all that’s left is for Big Red to walk off into the sunset all -

Sleep, Big Red. You done good.

BOOB COUNT: NONE! BODY COUNT: Bitch, I’m not counting. But RIP Dolorous Edd, Lady Sophia Grace, Beric Dondarrion, Theon Greyjoy, Zombie Viserion, The Night Queen, Jorah Mormont, Melisandre EPISODE GRADE: B+

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

First off, a very sincere hats off to director Miguel Sapochnik (of “Hardhome,” “Battle of the Bastards,” and “The Winds of Winter”) and the entire cast and crew for pulling this off. Thrones spoils us, but the fact of the matter is that no other show is giving this level of production on television, and the technical virtuosity on display is out of this world. Check out “The Game Revealed” for this week for a 40-minute deep dive into the 55-night shoot that was this episode - it’s good stuff. Now, let’s pick it apart a little.

Okay, so very cool, we have the Dothraki with the flaming arakhs charging and then the flames going out, but like - what was the plan here? Because everybody knows you gotta burn these zombies to really end them, and they didn’t know Melisandre was coming. So essentially, they were just gonna charge their best fighters at the zombies and like… see what happened?

The sequence after the fires went out and some horses and Dothraki and Jorah came running back was haunting. But I did think it was foreboding something other than just like “We’re running away from zombies.”

Jon’s first line of the episode and seemingly the only thing he says anymore, “The Night King is coming.” In fact, because he’s said this so fucking much, I’d forgotten that Daenerys and he were charged primarily with taking out the Night King. This could’ve been established a little better. Like yes they talked about it last episode, but I could’ve used being re-oriented insofar as “Okay, these two are with the dragons over here literally waiting till the Night King shows himself” because I found myself often wondering why the fuck they weren’t just roasting zombies.

There was obviously an unprecedented scope to this battle, and seeing grand moments like the Unsullied defending the gate was a really cool payoff for an army we’ve been with for 6 seasons now.

That said, something I thought was highly unsuccessful about this episode was how detached it felt from last week’s, which reinvested me in pretty much all these characters. The wider and chaotic look at this battle made it hard to focus on those characters, and while I appreciated the immersion of the sequence, it grew tiring for me.

A nice zoom-in moment is with Grey Worm at the gate, trying to figure out what to do. But the geography of where Melisandre was and when the idea came to him to use her for the trench was confusing.

“Maybe we should have stayed married.” “You were the best of them.” “What a terrifying thought.”

Ramin Djawadi started this awesome White Walker cue back on “Hardhome” that sounds like a clock ticking and I love it every time he uses it. Also his cue “The Night King” is perfection.

Great use of color in this episode to delineate the stages of the battle. And I know we’re all giving it shit for being hard to see, but I’d imagine the blizzardy chaos and the hellfire that dominates the trench section helped them stretch their budget by obscuring most of the backgrounds.

Love, love, loved the library scene.

Let’s not pretend they didn’t crib Helm’s Deep pretty hard here. Melisandre’s arrival was the Elves, the crypts were the glittering caves. We had wall climbing and very similar all is lost moments. It’s a good thing to steal from, but let’s not pretend.

Beautiful work from Sophie Turner and Peter Dinklage in the crypts.

I was very satisfied by all the major deaths this week, in particular Theon’s, but the idea that Bran had to rubber stamp that Theon was “a good man” irritated me a little. The whole thing of Thrones has been that these people are complicated, and Theon is one of the most complicated. So to just sweep it all under the rug and come down hard on one side of it felt reductive. Anyway, RIP Alfie Allen, one of my favorite actors on the show.

RIP also to Iain Glen, our Jorah 5EVER.

Alas, Bran is still with us, and he was another hugely unsuccessful element of the episode. Using him as the Macguffin was a good idea, but D&D never succeeded at explaining what it was that was so important about him to the Night King. Likewise, when he went into the ravens and people were protecting him, wouldn’t it have been stronger if he was actually doing something of use? Something that if it was interrupted would ruin everything? Rather than just joy-riding?

I’ve seen a lot of people wish more characters had died, and I hear that. But it’s a tricky thing at this point on the show. As much as Thrones has been unafraid of killing its characters, it’s never done it in a random way. Ned died as a consequence for his actions, as do pretty much all the major characters on the show. To just randomly start killing them sounds like something that would happen in a battle, sure, but would be largely unsatisfying. And we know these characters so well now that moments need to be made of their demises. I thought the show did an excellent job of dispatching a fairly substantial crew of major characters in a satisfying way, but too much of this and it’s gonna get tiring.

Speaking of which, the Night King. Okay, so Arya killing him was obviously outstanding, made even more satisfying by the fact that it made complete sense with her arc and that Sapochnik was so successful in setting it up so clearly in the episode and then making us completely forget about it. When she stabbed him and he exploded, I honestly could not believe what I was seeing. One of the most satisfying crowd-pleaser moments I’ve ever seen.

That said, the thing that stinks up this episode for me is not that it was hard to see or that not enough people died, but that the White Walkers ultimately amounted to nothing. I love love love the device of killing them with three episodes left to go and refocusing the show on the political, but the Night King was such an amazing villain because of his mystery and the promise that one day we’d find out what his M.O. was. I worried last week that when the characters perfunctorily said he wants to destroy history, that was all we’d get in the way of that but sadly, it seems it may be. We should’ve known they wouldn’t handle this very well when they swept the White Walker origin story under the rug in Season 6, but it’s very disappointing to see that ultimately he was just a bad dude. The way it ended was epic, but we deserved to know more about motivations and the stakes of the situation before it was all over. To sum it up, D&D are very lucky that their fairly mid-level writing is in the hands of a master like Sapochnik and a dynamite cast and crew.

NEXT WEEK: Cersei’s back.

[evenstevensranked]

#9: Season 3, Episode 22 - “Leavin’ Stevens”

It’s the series finale!! Eileen is projected the winner of a major election for Congress, which means the Stevens family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately. Pretty big deal. Our beloved characters must say goodbye to each other forever, but Louis can’t bring himself to move across the country without telling Tawny how he really feels about her. 

Let’s talk about why this cinematic plotline would’ve made an infinitely better DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. 

This one opens with the Stevens family huddled together in the living room, anxiously awaiting the results of Eileen’s election. Riiiiight as the news reporter is about to announce the winner, Beans appears out of nowhere, grabs the remote and changes the channel to... Toon Disney?! They show a legit clip of Teamo Supremo (remember that show?! LOL) instead of some fake cartoon or something which is kinda cool. Granted, it’s a Disney cartoon, so they had the right to use it no problem -- but still! That show premiered in 2002 so I’m sure they threw that clip in there to promote it somehow. Otherwise, it’s just sorta funny to think Toon Disney and ABC (Disney Channel sister stations) exist in the Even Stevens-verse. 

Beans, being the nuisance that he is, throws the remote into a skinny vase thing so Ren is forced to ~magically~ change the channel back manually. 

Remember when you could change the channel with buttons on the actual TV? Good times. If you lose the remote these days, you’re pretty much screwed. 

Thankfully, they turn back in time to catch the results: EILEEN WON! It cuts to her giving a little press conference outside where she announces that the entire family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately so that she can get to work right away. This is insane news to Louis since he apparently had no idea that Congress was in Washington or that the whole family would need to move there if Eileen were to win. 

It cuts to a very depressed Louis at school cleaning out his locker. Tom and Twitty are with him and Twitty is seemingly in denial about the whole situation, explaining that nothing’s going to change and that a few 14-year-olds can hop a flight to D.C., hang out with Louis and be home by dinner time easy peasy! Tom brings them back to reality by calling them “poor delusional fools” and it’s great. Tawny shows up and it’s time for “Romeo to bid farewell to his Juliet” (Tom’s words.) Oh, man. The rom-com drama kicks in here and I can’t get enough of it. 

I’m guessing that this moment is the actual very last time they’re ever going to see each other?!?! So, the two of them are incredibly freaking awkward trying to say their goodbyes. I mean, how do you say goodbye forever to one of your best friends who is also obviously your crush in, like.. 30 seconds? They’re stammering and dancing around the idea of simply saying “I’m gonna miss you!” So, what do they do? They end up completely avoiding the situation by talking about how they’re going to miss the school cafe’s chili fries instead of each other. Clearly, that is not the last thing either of them wanted to say. As frustrating as this scene is, it’s pretty hilarious. Louis is all “I’m really gonna miss... y.......ahh... c..hili.... fries on Wednesday!” and Tawny just awkwardly goes along with it, “Yeah. I love those... They’re great.” HAHAHA. They proceed to engage in what’s gotta be up there as one of the most uncomfortable hugs of all time:

One thing this show consistently nails is middle school awkwardness. Louis & Tawny are lightyears ahead of me and my old crush though. He was moving to Deleware at the end of 8th grade and we didn’t even say goodbye to each other at ALL at graduation, omg. We just avoided each other entirely. The worst part is that we were side-by-side PARTNERS for the graduation march and we didn’t even speak to each other. The level of immaturity and awkwardness is unparalleled.... 

It cuts to Ren talking with Ruby and Monique who are also getting emotional over Ren’s impending departure. (“What are we gonna do without her?!”) Basically, the two of them are completely incapable of organizing their own lives and need Ren’s constant guidance. One of their biggest concerns is that the three of them previously waited 6 hours in line for Peachbox tickets and now they can’t go to the concert together. First of all.... WHAT OR WHO THE HECK IS PEACHBOX? For some reason, I’ve always imagined a knockoff Matchbox Twenty band simply because of the “box” connection lol. Buuuut, I’m gonna guess that it’s just a music festival or something. It’s not important in the grand scheme of things here.

We see Louis and Twitty walking home from school together and it’s a very somber stroll. Twitty says “I know you’re not the most romantic guy in the world (I BEG TO DIFFER, TWITTY!!!) but, do you really want the last thing you talk about with Tawny to be chili fries?” Obviously, Louis says no, but its too late! There’s nothing he can do at this point! Twitty dramatically says “No, it’s never too late...” and just WALKS AWAY!!!! Did he leave Louis in the dust?! Was that the last thing they said to each other?! What?! Did Louis and Twitty’s epic friendship just... end on a cryptic note for dramatic effect? Why am I just realizing this?

I’m laughing at the idea of this being their final exchange. “It’s never too late. Peace out, cub scout.”

Twitty’s dramatic last words kick Louis into rom-com leading man overdrive. As soon as he gets home, he sits down and starts recording a videotape for Tawny so that he can say everything he wasn’t able to in person. (See cover photo.) Oh, my lord. This is incredible. He starts off by saying that he’ll already be 2,797 miles away (he looked it up) in Washington by the time she sees the tape. “I didn’t want the last thing we talked about to be chili fries. So that’s why I’m doing this -- this tape, ya know? To tell you how I really feel...” And Shia is already hitting it outta the god damn park with his acting. The scene cuts after that, so we don’t get to hear the rest. Gotta keep us on our toes!

Louis meets up with Tom later and gives him the tape, instructing -- or rather, threatening -- him to personally deliver it to Tawny... OR ELSE. 

“Tom, I’m entrusting you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else -- besides Tawny -- gets their hands on this... I will personally track you down and make you pay. You hear what I’m saying?”

There’s a little subplot with Donnie and Coach Tugnut, as well. Every character’s plot in this episode revolves around the Stevens family moving, which is kinda cool. We get to see how the potential change affects all of them! Coach Tugnut was planning on training Donnie for the Olympics, so he nearly has a heart attack when he finds out he’s moving. Steve decides to call his boss, Mr. Kupchack, and cuss him out because he thinks he’s never going to see him again. (Bad idea.) Louis has the Tawny situation. Ren has her friends. And of course, Eileen’s whole career is being uprooted. 

Tugnut ultimately decides to uproot his life as well and drive all the way to Washington to continue Donnie’s training. There’s a pretty great final ~adult joke~ here. Tugnut says he talked it over with his wife, Tammy, and they agreed that a little break could be good. He explains that Tammy is busy with her own life, which includes working the night shift at Romano’s Pizza. But, Donnie’s like.. “Uh, Coach... Romano’s Pizza closed, like... 2 years ago” -- Insinuating that Tammy’s been cheating at night. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation!” Tugnut concludes. Wow. I like this joke, though. It’s subtle and smart. 

Right as Steve is fervently insulting his boss over the phone, Eileen comes running into the living room in a tizzy. She turns on the TV and calls for the entire family to come watch. In a “stunning and dramatic reversal,” a recount snatched victory away from Eileen and gave the congressional seat to some guy Charles Nuck. 

Louis: “My tape!” Ren: “My friends!” Steve: “My job!” Donnie: “My coach!” Eileen: “My seeeeat!”

You can always count on Tom Virtue to go overboard with his performance. To be fair, Steve knows that he totally just lost his job. Soo...

So, yeah! We’re only 9 minutes into the episode and The Stevens family is no longer moving! Wexler is so elated to have Ren back, he’s all “I’d be lost without you!” -- Literally no one can live a productive life without Ren Stevens I guess. He does a little happy dance down the hallway but then stops in his tracks in horror when he sees Louis moving back into his locker. “Noooo!” HAHAHA. 

“WHYYYYYY?!” -- I just really wanted to include this screenshot. Notice how Louis is unpacking a giant thing of syrup! Leftover from Lumberjack Club, I presume? 

Twitty stops by and Louis is in damage control mode. “I have a problem. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.” Twitty says “Dude, everyone gets gas climbing the rope in gym, it’s okay.” HAHA! For some reason I never really noticed that line before. It’s great. Of course, Louis explains that he gave Tawny a tape telling her how he really feels. Twitty asks how bad it is and if he dropped the “L-Bomb.” (“Did ya tell Tawny that you loved her?”) And Louis is officially freaking out. OHHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDD. Scenes like this make me think that Even Stevens was more of a ~bro show~ kinda. I wonder if guys across the country related to this or not. 

Ren’s little ~storyline within the storyline~ could’ve been a lot better. As usual, she got the short end of the stick for her final hurrah in the series. She ends up finding a replacement of herself for Ruby and Monique named Denise who is seriously controlling and super creepy. After they find out the Stevens are no longer moving, Monique and Ruby really don’t want to go to the concert with Denise anymore. So Ren eventually finds replacements for Ruby and Monique as well so the three doppelgangers can go together instead. It’s trippy. And that’s pretty much it. 

Louis talks to Tawny later that day and finds out that Tom already delivered the tape. Yikes! Tawny doesn’t know what's on the tape though and doesn’t think much of it either. She’s assuming that it’s probably a nature special or Doris’ 40th birthday. And Louis quickly interjects “Good party! That was a good--” and awkwardly cuts himself off. Shia’s phrasing. It’s so good. I laughed pretty hard. Anyway, Louis is officially on a mission to retrieve the tape before she has a chance to watch it and calls Beans for help. Beans is at school when Louis calls his cell phone, and um... Beans is 8 years old. Why does he have a cell phone in 2002? Also, he should be in 3rd grade. Does this look like 3rd grade to you?!

That teacher is reading a baby storybook to them. This never seemed right to me lol. Also, that super tall kid in the middle is at least 11 years old. Come on now. ALSO they make a point to show that every kid in the class has a cell phone, too. Perhaps this show was simply ahead of its time AGAIN, showing us that soon technology will consume all of our lives at every age. 8 year olds have iPhones nowadays.

To sum it up, Louis has Beans climb into Tawny’s bedroom window to steal the tape back. This is the only episode where we see Tawny’s bedroom and much like the part of her house we saw in Thin Ice, it suits her personality perfectly and I love it. 

Louis is relieved to have the tape back, but once he gets home he notices the tape is actually labeled “To: Louis.” OHHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! HEREEEE WEEEE GOOOOO! I’ll let you watch this truly iconic and emotionally taxing scene play out for yourself:

Can you say SOULMATES?! What are the odds they’d both decide to confess their feelings via videotape? Well, besides it being an uber romantic plot device lol. 

The episode ends with Louis and Tawny at their lockers, smirking knowingly at each other because they know they’re in love now lol. It’s precious. It’s still a little awkward because it’s like “ok, we love each other or whatever... now what?” So, in true Louis & Tawny fashion Louis says “Soooo... I hear they’re having chili fries at lunch today.” And Tawny whispers “Cool. I love chili fries.” The two of them laugh at how well they know each other and walk off hand and hand into the sunset. All is right with the world. 

How sweet are they?! Seriously one of the most underrated pairings everrrrr. Tawny’s jeans though. I never understood the 2000s fashion trend that was distressed markings on the BUTTCHEEKS of pants! It looks absolutely terrible.

The final minute bit is Tugnut crying “DonnnieeeeEE!” all alone at the Washington monument lol. 

This is probably the most cinematic episode of Even Stevens. This thing plays out like a freaking movie. Honestly, if they fleshed out the plot a little more and added a few twists and turns that I can’t think of because I’m not a screenwriter -- I firmly believe this would've made for a better and more satisfying DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. They could've ended the series with an episode built around a wacky plot like the vacation, (I mean, the dismal and beyond outlandish In Ren We Trust was the series’ penultimate episode so that wouldn't be a stretch...) and then have an original movie with heart and a story rooted in the characters. Am I alone here, or? Having the series end with Louis and Tawny getting together and then barely interacting in The Even Stevens Movie always pissed me off. The bit with the videotapes could totally compete with any blockbuster romance film, tbh. MOVIES end with characters finally getting together and it's the big, satisfying moment. Ending a SERIES like that, and then not doing anything with it in the big finale film is just frustrating. I wanted to see what became of Louis and Tawny: The Couple. 

This 8-second scene of them in the chair is the extent of their interaction in the movie. Along with two “right next to papa” lines from Louis, which Tawny sorta reacts apathetically/sarcastically to. That’s literally it. 

I’ve mentioned before that people tend to write-off Even Stevens as nothing but a wacky show to watch if you want to turn your brain off. But, there’s so much heart here and great characters that are overlooked! Having such a crazy movie for the big ending just solidified that Even Stevens = Dumb and wacky TV show, in the memories of many. Which is perhaps the reason why the show isn’t remembered as widely or fondly in comparison to other live action Disney shows of the era. This could also contribute to its underratedness. It’s just not the DCOM we deserved. Even I remember thinking “this looks stupid” when I first saw the promo trailer for the movie as a kid. But this series finale episode felt more like a movie to me than the DCOM ever did! It almost seems like it was intended to be a film but they cut out a bunch of it. It feels really rushed. One minute the Stevens are moving and the next they’re not. There’s so much more tension and emotion that could’ve been built if the idea of them moving lasted longer than 8 minutes, haha. Idk. This just feels like a plot that deserves more than 21 minutes to unfold and breathe. 

I kinda adore this episode. To this day it still manages to squeeze a lil’ tear outta me. I really can’t stress enough how sublime Shia’s acting on the tape to Tawny is. If the scene was longer, it could totally rival his romantic monologue in Disturbia (which some people have performed for acting auditions!!!) I wanna see people do a “Louis Stevens monologue” for auditions, man! lol. The day I see a modern Disney kid pull this sort of scene off with the same level of maturity will be the day hell freezes over. I love that Shia gave his all to this role. Even though ES was “just a Disney show” he treated the material with the weight it deserved and I really appreciate that. It’s what helps make Even Stevens more than “just a Disney show” and why it’s still great, if not better, in 2018. 

This episode makes my Top 10 because, like I said, it has such a movie feel to it and one of the strongest/most engaging plotlines in the entire series. I might’ve ranked this one even higher if Ren had a better final plot. They could’ve had a double romance dilemma with Ren and Larry getting together as well or at least a cute moment where they finally end their rivalry, but nooooooooo! The pressure of moving forced Louis & Tawny to confront their feelings, they could’ve done the same thing with Ren and Larry. If this episode had a Ren/Larry subplot of any kind it would probably be my #1 lololol. The episode does have a lot going for it and so much potential though. I had to put it in the single-digits.

The Louis/Tawny content here is OBVIOUSLY of the highest quality. Hands down the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen on the Disney Channel at least. The videotape(s) is like a grand gesture, but also small and intimate at the same time. Per-fect. The acting is especially great here, from both Shia and Margo. I mean, these performances could stand up against any "adult” comedy TV show, heck.. they’re probably better honestly. They’re seriously killin’ the game and they’re both 16/17 years old here. So underrated. Even Stevens deserved to be picked up by a major network. Imagine what it might’ve been like on ABC, CBS, or NBC? Dang. It’d be the cult classic it deserves to be today.

Thanks for reading!!

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[everyb0dy-l0st-s0meb0dy]

1-100 >:)

The meaning behind my url:One of my favorite Bleachers songsA picture of me:I'll post one later since I'm on mobileHow many tattoos i have and what they are:Just a ghost on my ankle for nowLast time i cried and why:I think it was like a month ago in the middle of a really bad depressive episode Piercings i have:NoneFavorite band:I refuse to pick favorites, I love all my children equally Biggest turn offs:Honestly just being a jerkTop 5 movies:Whiplash, Deadpool, The Greatest Showman, Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor StrangeTattoos i want:Too many to list Biggest turn ons:Playful teasingAge:19Ideas of a perfect date:Any date is perfect with the right person Life goal:To love and be lovedPiercings i want:Not sure if I want any Relationship status:SingleFavorite movie:AnsweredA fact about my life:I've never broken a bonePhobia:HeightsMiddle name:MichaelHeight:5'10"Are you a virgin?Wouldn't you like to know What’s your shoe size?10What’s your sexual orientation?BiDo you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?Nice try momSomeone you miss:My first true loveWhat’s one thing you regret?Not going to more parties my first two years at college First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:Ryan ReynoldsFavorite ice cream?Cookie doughOne insecurity:E v e r y t h i n gWhat my last text message says:"No they were actually helpful"Have you ever taken a picture naked?Maybe soHave you ever painted your room?Not by myselfHave you ever kissed a member of the same sex?Not yetHave you ever slept naked?Who hasn't at least once? Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?NahHave you ever had a crush?Of course Have you ever been dumped?I only ever get dumpedHave you ever stole money from a friend?NopeHave you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?I think I have actually Have you ever been in a fist fight?A fewHave you ever snuck out of your house?NoHave you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?Oh yeahHave you ever been arrested?NoHave you ever made out with a stranger?NopeHave you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?Used to all the time with my last girlfriend Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?Yeah a few times Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?She's 70 so noHave you ever ditched school to do something more fun?Unfortunately noHave you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?YesHave you ever seen someone die?NoHave you ever been on a plane?YesHave you ever kissed a picture?A bunch actually Have you ever slept in until 3?God I wish I could do thatHave you ever love someone or miss someone right now?Big time Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?Yes I love it. Right up there with stargazing Have you ever made a snow angel?Who hasn't?Have you ever played dress up?Not really Have you ever cheated while playing a game?...maybeHave you ever been lonely?I'm always lonelyHave you ever fallen asleep at work/school?Lol yeahHave you ever been to a club?NopeHave you ever felt an earthquake?NahHave you ever touched a snake?Yes I love snakesHave you ever ran a red light?YupHave you ever been suspended from school?Nope, never got caught doing stupid shitHave you ever had detention?NopeHave you ever been in a car accident?Yes, it was horrifying Have you ever hated the way you look?All the timeHave you ever witnessed a crime?I've committed a few so yeah Have you ever pole danced?Nah, nobody has asked me nicely ;)Have you ever been lost?Always Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?Not yetHave you ever felt like dying?Literally every dayHave you ever cried yourself to sleep?YesHave you ever sang karaoke?Nope, not my thingHave you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?YesHave you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?So many times, my family makes a game out of itHave you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?NoHave you ever kissed in the rain?Yes 😍Have you ever sang in the shower?If you didn't sing in the shower did you even really shower?Have you ever made out in a park?NoHave you ever dream that you married someone?Used to all the timeHave you ever glued your hand to something?NopeHave you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?NopeHave you ever ever gone to school partially naked?What the actual fuck?Have you ever been a cheerleader?NoHave you ever sat on a roof top?Once or twice I thinkHave you ever brush your teeth?????????????????Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?Mama didn't raise no bitchHave you ever played chicken?Yes and I always win. Come at me Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?OnceHave you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?lol no Have you ever broken a bone?NopeHave you ever been easily amused?This is weirdly phrased but yeahHave you ever laughed so hard you cried?Every time I laugh pretty much Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?NoHave you ever cheated on a test?Don't usually have toHave you ever forgotten someone’s name?Embarrassingly yes Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?Don't think soGive us one thing about you that no one knows.The only time I've ever been in a hospital was because I got so high I passed out

[thepenumbrapodcast]

An open call for episode transcripts from our Travelers, struggles in creating the Penumbra as a small team, and why we need your help

UPDATE: Some extremely generous fans have stepped up to organize @thepenumbrapodcasttranscripts , so please head over there if you would like to participate! We are deeply touched by the speedy response to this post.

Hey there Travelers,

Kevin here. Over the thirteen months since the Penumbra’s first episode, we’ve received a lot of requests from fans for access to episode transcripts. Many of you have contacted us with well-reasoned arguments about accessibility for those with hearing and processing disabilities. Many of you have expressed frustration about the $7 Patreon reward level, at which donating patrons get to look at the scripts the actors see.

We’ve stayed quiet on this so far, but we haven’t been ignoring you. We recognize your frustration. We apologize if the packaging of our show has made you feel like we don’t notice you, or listen to you, or care about you. We do. Internally we’ve been discussing this for months – and after debating it and trying a lot of things, we’ve come to what we think is the only conclusion that makes sense given our situation. I’ll tell you the conclusion first, and then move backward to our reasoning:

We are asking for help from you, the fans, in making these transcripts a reality. If fans create a tumblr or website that features fan-made transcripts of every episode, we will gladly post a link to it on our website and promote it whenever a new transcript has been completed.

We have asked for this from you all before, but it understandably got lost in the weeks and months that have passed since. As a result, should fans express interest in creating transcripts, we will be reblogging this post once every two weeks until all of the transcripts have been completed.

We recognize that it is frustrating not having the supports you need to access our show as others can. We recognize that asking fans to create those supports is also frustrating. Please know that we are frustrated, too. We are living a very uncomfortable, very difficult reality in creating this show, and up until now we’ve kept the details of that reality invisible to you all. But if I can ask for just a few minutes of your understanding, I hope I can communicate clearly about the obstacles in the way of us creating these transcripts, which are also, not coincidentally, the biggest threats to the Penumbra’s continued existence in general.

What follows is an in-depth look at my reasoning. If you’re satisfied with the above, hey, skip it! You can find the couple of transcripts we had time to make here (as well as one by a fan who asked to be credited as subtlepuns), so go for it, work together, create a platform for them, and feel free to use what we’ve made to get you started. If you’re still bothered, or you don’t understand why we can’t just make all the transcripts ourselves, I ask only that you read and think about our position, here. It is not one made hastily.

My reasoning is this: 1) Our scripts are not the same thing as transcripts, and 2) it takes a considerable amount of time to turn a script into a transcript. This prevents us from being able to create the transcripts because 3) our time is extremely finite, and 4) we’re already using more time than we can afford (in multiple ways).

I’ve broken each of those four individual points in that argument into further reasoning below:

1)    Our scripts are not the same as transcripts

I’m going to take the blame for any misunderstandings here, since I’m the one who writes the language for the Patreon and I think my description of the $7 level is very unclear.

At $7, Patreon supporters get access specifically to the scripts our actors see – and as $7 supporters will tell you, there is usually a big difference between the scripts our actors get and the actual words that are said in the episode. There are many reasons for this: often during a recording I will on-the-spot rewrite a line if it’s just not working, or when editing Sophie might cut a few lines, or sometimes our actors just deliver lines with a different phrasing from what I give them. And that’s only considering dialogue: because I create this show collaboratively, and Sophie and Ryan work together on its soundscape, every sound and music cue in the script is only a suggestion I’m making to them – and very often they’re suggestions that they don’t take, for creative or logistical reasons. This means that for the purposes you all are asking, our scripts are not useful because they are not an accurate log of what is actually being said in the episode. They are only a log of what the actors had in their hands when they showed up to recording.

They are intended as a bonus because, ultimately, most of these actors are my friends and I like to make my friends laugh, so I load the stage directions and sound descriptions with stupid jokes and pieces of insight that I thought you all might enjoy. But ultimately, the difference is that the scripts are a behind-the-scenes peek, not a useful support for our fans with hearing and processing disabilities – and as a result giving them out for free doesn’t solve the central problem.

(It actually creates a separate problem, too – but I’ll get to that in a minute.)

2)    It takes a considerable amount of time to turn a script into a transcript

Believe it or not, we’ve actually tried to create transcripts on multiple occasions. Sophie and I had a group of our actors over a few months ago for a “transcript party,” during which we sat people down with snacks and headphones and asked them to listen to episodes and convert the initial script of an episode into the actual words that made it into the final cut.

Here’s the issue: with 6 people working consistently for 3 hours straight, we only completed 3 transcripts. That means a transcript takes us approximately 6 hours to put together, and with our 28 episodes published so far that comes out to 168 unpaid hours our tiny staff would have to work to create these transcripts – not to mention the additional 6 hours this would add to every episode’s production time.

(I know my math is a little shaky there, because this doesn’t account for bonus episodes being shorter; but given the length of the Season 1 Q&A and the fact that it had no script, I’m assuming that would take at least the leftover time to complete.)

Accessibility is important to us. That’s why we tried to create the transcripts in the first place. But when we did the math and looked at that number, we bumped up against an essential problem that our good intentions alone could not overcome:

3)    Our time is extremely finite

Between writing, editing, rehearsing, recording, acting, and giving feedback, I spend roughly 60 hours on every episode of The Penumbra Podcast. Between sound editing, directing, acting, rehearsing, recording, and giving feedback, Sophie spends about 90 hours per episode.

I apologize for drowning you all in numbers, but I think these are significant and misunderstood figures that go into the creation of our show, because it means that creating this has very real effects on our life that cannot be wished away. When we started this show, Sophie had a full-time job. Over the course of creating it it’s become clear to us that there is literally not enough time in the week for Sophie to create these episodes and work a full-time job. That’s how much time this takes us. As a result, we cannot take on the 168 unpaid hours to create the backlogged transcripts, and we cannot add to the per-episode totals Sophie and I already take on.

We want to. We can’t. Literally. That is how the math of the situation works out. We’re frustrated, too.

There’s an easy rebuttal to what I’ve said above, of course: you could counter my math with more math. There are 168 hours in a week; if you account for 8 hours of sleep and 8 hours of work every single day, that leaves 56 hours a week for us to work on The Penumbra; and if you factor in the numbers I gave above, given a biweekly schedule, I work on The Penumbra on average 4 hours each day and Sophie works on it for 6 hours a day.  That should leave me and Soph with roughly 28 free hours each week, right? Couldn’t the transcripts get done then?

(Again, my math is very rough, but please note that it’s rough on both sides. These hard numbers don’t even account for time spent eating, grocery shopping, doing household chores, upholding responsibilities to family, exploring other creative projects to support ourselves financially and keep ourselves sane and excited about our work, or anything else that keeps our lives in order. They’re intended to be rough.)

Technically, the transcripts could get done in this time. Technically. But that’s where we bump into our last – and biggest – problem.

4)    We’re already using more time than we can afford (in multiple ways)

There are two ways we’re going to cover here. The first, which I hope fans of our show in particular will understand, regards mental health.

I’m going to be direct with you all: at the start of this process, I really did put almost every waking second that I wasn’t using on my day job into working on this show. I took no breaks. I skipped time with my family and friends. I started skipping therapy sessions. Sophie and I skipped spending time together and working on our relationship. And in me, a person with some heavy predispositions to mental health issues, depression and panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder? It led to a nervous breakdown at the end of last year that I’ve only just recently pulled myself out of, one that I cannot and will not repeat again. If I’m going to make this show, I have to enjoy my life enough to do it. That’s not negotiable for me.

The second, and much more dire, way in which we cannot afford this time regards money.

As I stated above: there is literally not enough time in the day for Sophie to have a full-time job and work on the Penumbra. And because Sophie is our one-woman sound designing team, this leads to a very uncomfortable but very important truth: if the Penumbra does not make money, it will cease to exist.

The fact of the matter is that Sophie and I have put ourselves in a dangerous situation financially by carving out the time for this show, and that means the show is only possible so long as the money that comes in through Patreon, the store, fan donations, (some day) sponsors, and any other creative projects we carve out time to explore is at least enough to cover the difference between what Sophie makes part-time and what she could be making full-time.

And to be clear: the show does not cover that difference yet.

We’re not talking about money-grubbing, here, twiddling our moustaches and demanding to be paid in big sacks with cartoon dollar signs on them. We are talking about the actual, literal survival of this project hinging on whether or not it makes enough money for Sophie and I to live. That’s not greed. That’s us trying to stay alive and healthy. It’s the reason we actually can’t afford to do work for free anymore: our lives don’t have the time to support it. And it’s the reason that we are so endlessly grateful to our patrons, because we mean it literally when we say that the show would not exist without you.

This is why we can’t take on extra work for free by creating these transcripts. This is why we can’t ask our friends, many of whom are in similar situations to us and many of whom already do work for us for free, to make them for us either. This is also why we can’t give the scripts away for free: if all of our $7 script patrons became $4 early-release patrons because they could get the scripts otherwise, we would lose a significant amount of the money we need to make this show happen. And coming up with a different reward for the $7 level would necessitate even more unpaid work – which, again, we have neither the time nor means to do.

So should we provide you with transcripts for the sake of accessibility? Absolutely. It really frustrates me that we don’t. But the fact of the matter is this: given our constraints in time, energy, and money, we cannot do this for you.

I am so sorry to our fans with hearing and processing disabilities for whom this has been a frustration. We’ve been trying. But it’s taken us months to come to this, our unavoidable conclusion: we literally cannot do this for you.

—–

So tl;dr, Vibert, get to the point. The heck does all that mean?

It means that we want you to have transcripts, but cannot make them ourselves yet, and cannot afford to lose money because of the transcripts. It means that we need your continued financial support to keep this show running, and we need your help to make these transcripts a reality in the near future. When creative projects make enough money that we can pay everyone already on staff, it’s on our shortlist for the near future to pay someone to make transcripts. But if we’re going to have transcripts before then, we need your help.

We’re happy to get you all started with the transcripts we’ve already made, and we’re excited to promote the transcripts you make once they’ve been created, but before we do so we ask that they follow these guidelines so as not to contradict any of the points I’ve laid out above:

1)    The transcript cannot include any of the “bonus content” from the actors’ scripts, including character descriptions, parenthetical directions, sound or music suggestions, and silly jokes from silly lead writer Kevin Vibert (that’s me).

2)    The transcripts must be accurate to the actual lines, music cues, and sound effects in the episode, so as to be a useful tool to our fans with hearing and processing disabilities.

3)    We need several fans to read each transcript while listening to the episode to confirm its accuracy.

We want these to exist, Travelers. We want them to be part of the culture of our show because we care about accessibility, we care about telling stories for all people, and we care about you. But even checking the transcripts requires time we literally do not have. We need your help to make this happen, because we can’t do it alone.

So that conclusion, one more time, is this:

We are asking for help from you, the fans, in making these transcripts a reality. If fans create a tumblr or website that features fan-made transcripts of every episode, we will gladly post a link to it on our website and promote it whenever a new transcript has been completed. And should fans express interest in creating transcripts, we will be reblogging this post once every two weeks until all of the transcripts have been completed by you.

We hope some of you will help us help your fellow Travelers. We can’t do this alone.

With love, and stay healthy,

Kevin

PS: Once again, you can find a Google Drive folder with the transcripts we’ve already created, as well as a transcript that one of our intrepid fans created months ago, here. A big thanks to subtlepuns for taking the initiative for getting a transcript for the original Murderous Mask (Part 1) to us months ago, and apologies for not posting it sooner. We’ll do what we can to help make these supports a reality, Travelers – just know that trying to make this art for you and stay alive simultaneously is already stretching us to our limits, so unless you’re going to wait until we can relax those limits a bit we need your help now.

[beautifulannihilationbook]

Chapters 1-9

CHAPTER 1: WELCOME TO HELL… I turn the dial on the radio desperately searching for a human voice other than the emergency alert broadcast. Just five minutes ago, I watched in horror as a cascade of nuclear warheads descended upon every major population area in no less than a five-hundred-mile radius. They glassed the cities and towns with ground shaking explosions, as they detonated I felt the searing heat and did my best to shield my eyes from the blinding light. After I regained my senses I realized I was stranded in the middle of West Virginia; the EMP from the nuclear detonations fried the car’s circuitry and overheated the engine. Luckily, for me I was on my way to deliver parts to an automobile repair garage, and had with me all the necessary components to perform the needed repairs, and after about an hour, I was back on the road. Coming out of the rural purgatory that I had been navigating for the past hour I finally find a station, but it is not what I expected. “Hello world, can you hear me now? Have I made enough noise for you to take me seriously? It doesn’t matter, even if any of you are still alive, you won’t last long, the world is in flames, quite beautiful don’t you think? I call it hell on earth, the epitome of my soul. Rot in your own flesh, you worthless pieces of meat, goodbye.” Says the voice on the radio in an eerily calm voice. I recognize the voice immediately. I cannot believe he actually did it; he could never forgive the world for what happened to her. He swore his existence to making everyone pay for it. I just never understood how a simple human had a capacity for love so intense that losing it could bring such devastation and malice. Though there is much about him I never understood. The way he could never seem to make friends, despite his intelligence and true kindness, and how he could find the best in the worst of people. He was always mysterious, a little dark too. However, he was never violent, and always willing to forgive. I guess we all have our breaking points, and he reached his a long time ago, when he met his love and lost her too. All in one tragic year in high school, the same year we met, and I found out what our future would hold. He explained to me his many plans for military experiments, I guess this one was a success, because everywhere I look right now, I see fire. Now I have no plan on what to do, so for now, I will just keep driving. CHAPTER 2: “THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS” Allan was always a quiet kid, never got in fights, always avoided trouble, and tried to get good grades. He also never stood up for himself; he never even really talked. He seemed like he was always thinking. Many people did not know what to think about him, so they decided he was dangerous. It might have just been rumors, it might have been the hair, or even the frequent all black clothes, but people tended to get scared when he was around them. When he actually tried to get close to someone, they would push him away out of fear. They did not understand the vast capacity of love, kindness, generosity, and understanding that this kid had. He did everything he could think of to change the way people saw him. However, nothing really changed, he was simply too shy, he could not bring himself to talk to people. He was afraid of everything, the world scared him. He had voices seemingly all around him, jeering, hating, and condemning him to failure. Sometimes, they were even inside his own head. However, he was smart, and he had a knack for technology. He knew how to make things, and make them well. His peers did not realize it, but his teachers knew he was bound for greatness. He had already taken college level classes, and patented a new type of high-density photo reactive material for television screens. It was his best work at the time; he knew how to create complex materials built to withstand lots of rough handling. Eventually it would serve him in a very interesting way. Though in this period in his life, it served only as a hobby. His true passion was passion itself, expression, writing, poetry, and love. He admired romanticism, and he fell in love with Edgar Allen Poe, and Shakespeare. It reflected the way his mind worked, dramatic representation of love, betrayal, loss and revenge, the desire to avenge, and the total sense of despondence when the loved is lost. This embodied his life, and it would eventually make it into a tragedy. When he got into high school, he had a few problems with a few girls, each one scarred him bad, but one would never be a scar, it would remain an open wound. Her name was Anna. She was two years younger, a free spirited girl. She was a sweetheart on the outside, but like a trick candy the inside was bitter, sour, and it would burn your mouth if you tried to bite into it. Allan would make the mistake of biting hard into the rough sugary exterior and it would break, revealing the bitter filling that would burn his mouth like an acid, and yet he would still swallow. With separated parents, and a drunk, abusive father, she needed to grow up fast. She adopted a calm and collected personality in the hardest of situations. To make up for it, she acted childish around her closest friends. It was a mask she made, a way to hide her pain. Perhaps she wasn’t aware of it herself, but she was losing herself to the act she was putting on. There was one person, however, that she used a different mask around, a person who she would victimize in an ironic bout of unfortunate circumstance that would destroy his life, and countless more. His name was Allan Garren. She approached him one day, when she noticed him gazing from afar, and something deep within herself sparked a strange desire to be with him, made even more intense by her sadistic persona that had quite the opposite intentions. Allan was wary at first. He was mistrustful and cautious. However, Anna was prepared and capable. She drew him out with her charm, and gained his trust quickly. Soon he loved her in the most inconceivable way. Now no matter how bad Anna would treat him, he never saw her differently. He was completely blind to his own pain. Even though everything he thought he had was a game. The game that would prove as a checkmate for the entire world. CHAPTER 3: LIES AND LOVE CAN BE THE SAME THING Anna was a pretty girl; she was popular, talented, charismatic, creative, and sadistic. She loved life and wanted to be a mom. Although she had been through many rough spots in her time, she had a good life. One day, in eighth grade she met a kid named Allan. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. She decided to have a little fun with him, she knew from the rumors around school that he was strange. She caught him staring and took her chance, approaching him and introducing herself. He was shy, but she knew how to bring him around. She pretended to be in love with him, it was like a game, a dangerous game, but a game nonetheless. She played with his heart; however, it was more of a voodoo doll than a board game. She was enjoying it until he started planning a future around the “relationship”. That’s when she devised her creative escape plan. Starting with the fake depression. She acted as though she had uncontrollable episodes in which she spewed out nonsense about being possessed and cursing people who get too close to her. It scared him, but it only intensified his desire to be there for her even more. After that plan backfired, she decided that she would tell him that she was incapable of love. This may have caused him extreme pain; however, it once again made him want to be the one to help her learn to love. It was, after all, his Shakespearian passion. Seeing this desire, she thought that it would be efficient to convince him that she is unfixable, and that she was not good enough for him. This only accomplished one thing; it made him feel even more worthless, because he felt he was not good enough to make her happy. She knew she could easily tell him she just didn’t love him, but part of the game was to avoid personal guilt. This became worse and worse as she continued to try to slither her way out of this relationship without having to feel guilty. She dragged it out over the summer, unfortunately she found out she had caused Allan to become extremely depressed, to the extent that he had nearly attempted suicide twice. That’s when she decided there was only one way to break it off indirectly. She told a close friend about the suicide threats. She played the victim of a scary stalker psycho, telling about the obsessive nature of Allan’s love. Naturally, her friend told her father, who in turn contacted Allan and demanded that he cease all communication with poor little Anna. This caused Allan to hate himself, so Allan decided that he would get help, truly believing he had hurt her. At that point, she had completely abandoned him. Never again did she think about what she had done to someone that she secretly felt something special for. Until one day, it hit her. Then everything changed. As for him, he never forgot what he had done to the only one he had ever truly loved, and it tore him to shreds. However, for Anna, it solved all her problems for a long time. Allan, even after the hospital, never really recovered, he remained obsessed with Anna, and though he loved her, he never spoke to her again, as he respected her wishes to remove him from her life. CHAPTER 4: SCORCHED EARTH Driving through what used to be Cleveland, I search for any signs of life. This was of course a pointless endeavor; the earth here has literally been turned into glass. Fallen buildings lay everywhere, rubble scattered like fallen leaves in autumn. I wanted to hold onto hope, but it doesn’t take long for me to give it up. I don’t even bother to get out searching what few structures still stand; no one could have survived it. Downtown Cleveland is not even there anymore; it’s only a crater now. The massive loss of life here is too much to think about. I begin to zone out when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see someone running towards my car; it’s a young dark blonde girl, probably fourteen or fifteen, she’s short and emaciated. I stop and pull the 44. Magnum out of its holster. I step out of the car and run over to her, tears and blood stream down her face, her arms and stomach are lined with cuts and bruises. I grab hold of her and hold her head against my shoulder. “Hey, hey, what happened to you?” I ask, rubbing her back. She angrily shoves my hand away and pulls back from me. “They killed her, they're all fucking dead!” she screams through filthy tears and blistered lips. “Who killed who? What are you talking about?” I ask. She looks at me, startled and confused, as if I’m the one who should know the answer instead of her, but after she thinks for a moment her confusion turns to horror. She doesn’t answer my question; I don’t think she can in her dissociative state. “They’re still chasing me” she says after a few moments, her breathing speeds up and she begins to hyperventilate, “they won’t stop, they’re not done with me.” I look back at where I saw her come from, sure enough, about forty yards away is a group of men with rusty blades in hand, they are clearly out of their heads on some kind or kinds of drugs. I pull the young girl behind me and raise my gun. I fire a warning shot, but they hardly seem to care; whatever narcotics they had taken left them oblivious to reality. “If you don’t want to die today, turn back where you came from” I shout. To no avail, it’s as if they couldn’t even hear me. “ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” the girl screams furiously, grabbing for my gun. I look at her, realizing just from the look in her eyes that they weren’t going to stop their pursuit so long as they were breathing, and I knew in that instant that they don’t deserve to breathe anyways. I sight them in with my magnum and fire, two bullets strike skulls, one strikes a heart, the last two strike lungs. After the last man drops to the ground, I reload and check their vitals, four dead, the fifth sputters and coughs; I kneel down and roll him on his back and look him in the eyes. I doubt there was anyone really in there, pupils dilated, eyes bloodshot, he was dead before I shot him. I sigh, taking in a deep breath, and standing up to orient myself towards the young woman I just recued. She has stopped hyperventilating, she looks calm, but I can tell it’s not calmness, she’s zoning out of reality, “Are you okay?” I ask, realizing it was a stupid question the moment the words leave my lips. “No” she says, not breaking eye contact with the ground. She tries to wipe the blood and tears from her face, only succeeding in smudging the muck even more I move myself into her line of sight and hold out my canteen, maintaining eye contact, the eyes can sometimes speak better than the lips. She looks at the canteen, motionless for a few seconds, her eyes fixed hypnotically on the cap. “Thanks.” She replies, with an empty monotone voice, not looking to me, but still to the canteen. She holds it, remaining motionless, and seemingly slipping back into a trance. I take back the canteen and pour water on the sleeve of my shirt, using the dampened cloth to wipe her scarred and bloody face. “What’s your name?” I ask, dabbing her face with my shirt. “Ashley” She replies, her eyes are still gazing, unmoving from the spot where the canteen was. She seems to be calming, realizing she is safe for now. "Ashley huh? I like that name." I say, handing her back the canteen. Her eyes slowly turn to me. Her head follows after. “Drink some water; I have more in the truck.” I say, pushing the canteen to her face. She takes it and gulps it down, taking only a moment to breathe between drinks. When she finishes she looks back to me, holding the empty container weakly towards me. “So what happened back there? Who were those people?” I ask. “Those people.” She says, her monotone voice haunting my ears. “They took us, my friends and everyone else from the fallout shelter we were hiding in.” she explains. Her eyes are terrified “They shot all the men and raped the women, they raped us all,” She continues. “Even the children.” She adds, her voice monotone and emotionless. Tears fill her eyes; she suddenly looks terrified. She turns to me, her eyes expressing more agony than I’ve witnessed in my whole life. “Everyone I know is dead.” She says. Her breath is shallow; she speaks as though she didn’t already know the information she was hearing from her own mouth. "Hey, it is going to be okay, you’re safe now, you just survived, you didn't let them win." I say, attempting to reassure her. "Oh they won alright.” She says, a laugh split with a sob escapes her mouth, “they may be dead but they got everything they wanted from me” she adds, her words barely audible through her gasping cries. "Ashley, I can't even imagine the pain, but I can tell you this, from now on, you and I are family, and I will protect you, now we need to get somewhere safe, the others might be coming, come with me” I say, taking her hands. “Don’t touch me!” she shouts, pulling her hands back and stepping away. “Okay, okay.” I say calmly backing away, holding my hands up. “They’ll kill you too” She says, pointing at me and slowly backing up. She slips on some rubble and falls backwards. I quickly advance and catch her by the hand. “Well if we are both gonna get killed, then how do you feel about some revenge along the way?” I ask, pulling her back upright. The subtle smirk on her face was all the answer I needed. Chapter 5: MASTER OF ANNIHILATION “All the players have shown their hands, but I hold all the cards” Allan soliloquizes as he targets the world with nuclear Armageddon. “I am about to end the game with the sweet kiss of death” he continues as he flips the switch to send the nuclear holocaust on its way to humanity. “I’m sorry I could not have been there for you the one time you needed me. I never did a single thing right for you, I caused you so much fucking pain, not a single moment of serenity,” he says to his beloved lost one, Anna. “What the fuck was I waiting for?” He asks himself as the hundreds of nukes rocket from the facility, causing the ground to shake. “I could have saved you, you deserved better than what you got.” he continues with increasing frustration and pain, as he preps his experimental gunship for launch. “YOU DESERVED TO LIVE!” He screams as he flips the self-destruct switch on the nuclear missile complex’s leftover warhead stockpile. Instantly, the entire planet seems to shake, the mechanisms in the complex begin arming every single warhead, moving them all down to the lowest platform at the base of the mountain. The event that was about to occur made Allan’ fingers twitch with excitement. He exits the lift out of the mountain detonating the system of C-4 on the mountaintop. The mountaintop begins to cave in on itself, burying the entrance to the complex in hundreds of tons of snow and earth. As he counts down the minutes to the explosion, he smiles to himself. “Retribution” He mutters as he pauses in front of his massive gunship. “Time to wake up” CHAPTER 6: FLASHPOINTS EVERYWHERE “Sir, we have a problem” says Colonel Jack “We have flashpoints, over 800 all across the board!” he continues with a stunned impression plastered on his face. “This is unbelievable, the entire world has been hit, all except for Russia” says Captain Ed, staring in amazement at the map. “Sir we have an incoming transmission, its coming from everywhere, someone has hijacked the entire satellite system!” says Comms Officer Gerald. “Put it on now.” says the Captain. “Welcome to my lovely exhibit, I call it home, you call it hell, and I honestly cannot find a difference between the two. For me, the world has always been a living punishment of the worst possible kind; I just made it look more like one. Anna was the one and only good thing I could find in it and you animals let her die; no, you all contributed to her death.” bellows the almost inhuman voice of Allan through the PA system. “And so now you burn with the rest of this pitiful world.” He adds, ceasing the communication. “What the hell?” says the confused comms officer. “Sir there’s something on the horizon!” yells Jack, looking closely at the radar, “it’s a nuclear missile!” he adds. “DIVE, DIVE!” yells Ed. The massive submarine dives deep into the ocean as the nuclear missile detonates above them disintegrating over a hundred feet of water, causing a small whirlpool to form. “Are we okay?” Ed asks frantically The officers all check their systems, turning to Ed and giving a thumbs up. Ed breathes a sigh of relief. “What the FUCK was that about?” asks Jack angrily. “My daughter. . .” replies Ed. “What?” Inquires Jack “Anna” he responds, solemnly, as he remembered what happened. CHAPTER 7: REVENGE IS SWEET “Hey I never got to properly introduce myself, I’m Joseph.” I say, smiling at her in the rearview mirror. “Hi Joseph.” she says unenthusiastically. “Are you gonna be okay?” I ask, fishing through my duffle bag. “No, I don’t think so” she says staring down at her bruised thighs. “Ashley I am so sorry. I know I cannot undo what has been done to you and I cannot cure you of the memory of that hell, but I am here for you and I will listen to whatever you have to say and do my very best to help you recover.” I say, putting my hand on her shoulder, with one hand and putting a 44. Magnum in her lap, “Do you remember where those bastards were holding you?” “I remember every fucking detail.” she says solemnly, taking the gun and examining it. “Where at then?” I ask “Museum of Natural History” she says, checking to see if the gun was loaded, smiling when she finds the cylinders populated by six hollow point rounds. “How fitting, they are after all, about to BE history” I reply with a chuckle. Ashley’s lips turn just enough to be considered a grin. I take a turn back towards the museum. Back when I was younger I used to go there all the time, but since then, the place has changed significantly, after the year 2018 they lost a lot of funding due to a change in the administration, President Trump wasn’t too interested in funding museums, it took money away from the development of bigger better war machines. The museum became little more than a few exhibits featuring animals that used to be alive, so now it may include exhibits with African lions, tigers, and polar bears all of which became extinct in the last five years. “Did you ever get to see the museum when they had dinosaurs on display?” I ask “I never went there, I wasn’t all that interested in history, I went to the science center a lot though, and the rock and roll history museum.” She replies. “Ah yes, the Science Center,” I say, reminiscent, “I must have been there at least a hundred times in my life” “Did you ever try that spicy chocolate from the gift shop?” she asks. “No, that sounds disgusting.” I say, laughing ‘It was pretty nasty” she agrees, smiling. “Did you ever try the astronaut food” I ask “Yeah, the ice cream was actually pretty good” she replies. “That was the only good one.” I say, “The rest were disgusting” I laugh She looks content, smiling at the floor. I take the exit leading towards the natural history museum, “We are almost there, are you ready for this? You don’t have to go in.” I say, looking at her through the rearview mirror. “I need to do this myself.” She says, confidently, “I have to see them die.” “I’ll be right there with you.” I say reassuringly. As I pull into the driveway, I see a couple dozen bodies of young women lying naked on the lawn, Ashley sees them too, her face expressing a horrid combination of fear and anger. “Ashley, aim for the lungs” I say grabbing my shotgun and preparing to go in, Ashley follows right behind me. One of the bikers spots me and before I could get a shot out, he yells “Intruder”. All of the sudden there are four of them. Ashley wastes no time, shooting all four in less than 6 seconds. We rush into the building and check the halls to make sure it’s clear, then head into the main lobby. I have to cover my nose when we walk in, it smells like blood, shit, and semen. The floors and walls are splattered with blood, there are mattresses scattered on the floor stained with blood and god knows what else. I notice two more bikers, I shoot one and Ashley shoots the other. Then I see him, a huge man, the skin around his arms is stretched by the size of his muscles, I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see the way he looks at Ashley; I run straight up to him and with the adrenaline from my anger I manage to tackle him to the ground and pin him. “REMEMBER ME BITCH?” Ashley screams, firing her two remaining rounds in his kneecaps pausing to reload, and then emptying all six cylinders striking his critical muscles, essentially disabling his movement. As Ashley reloads once more, I jump off of him and back away out of fear, she unloads the third set of bullets into every non-vital organ I can think of. She then pulls out a knife, already covered in dried blood, the look in her eyes is unsettling. She jumps on top of him and begins stabbing him repeatedly, carefully avoiding his heart and lungs. “Ashley, what are you doing? Just kill him!” I shout as the man screams in agony. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MAN DID? ALL THE PAIN HE CAUSED?” she screams in return, looking into my eyes through her tears. “I WANT HIM TO BEG ME TO KILL HIM” “I can’t even imagine, but torturing him like this won’t change what happened, it only brings you down to his level” I reply as I carefully walk towards her. She loads a single round into the chamber and points the gun at me. “Ashley, look at me” I say, holding out my arms, “I know I just met you, but I know this isn’t who you want to be” She stares at me for a second; she gives me a look I can’t quite explain, her lip quivers and she starts to cry, then places the gun to her own head and pulls the trigger. “ASHLEY NO!” I scream, only a fraction of a second too late I grasp her wrist as the gun falls from her hand; as it hits the ground my heart drops. “Goddamnit Ashley…” I cry out, “Why!?” My heart skips every other beat as my chest contracts. I pull her in as her body melts into my arms. I take in shallow breaths, as I attempt to bring myself back to reality from my panic. I look down at the blood on my hands. I hold her silently, my heartbeat slowly returning to its normal rhythm. “I don’t want to be anyone” She cries, her lungs straining to take in air through her chest muscles tightened by the agony she is in. “Did you know the chamber was empty?” I ask, gently rubbing her back with my still shaking hands. She shakes her head against my shoulder. “I’m sorry I pointed it at you” She sobs. “It’s okay, that’s not what I’m upset about, I hope you know that.” I say, starting to cry. Ashley is interrupted by a loud coughing, followed by labored laughter. We return our attention to Ashley’s rapist. “Even now, though I am bleeding out on the ground, my men dead and my body useless, I still have the power to kill you.” He says proudly. Ashley picks up the gun once more and spins the cylinder. She then points the gun directly against his head and pulls the trigger. *click; the hammer lands on an empty chamber, the man stops laughing. “You are not a monster.” She says, pulling back the hammer once more. *click “You are not my greatest fear.” *click “You are a killer of people weaker than you” *click “You are a coward” *click “And because of that, even I am stronger than you” The hammer strikes the center of the back of the bullet casing, igniting the gunpowder and sending the round through the man’s skull and into the ground beneath him. Ashley pauses for a few moments before speaking. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” she says, wiping the tears and mucous from her face before standing up. “Aren’t we going to look for your friends?” I ask as she walks back towards the exit. “I already found them,” she says pointing to the lawn where the broken corpses of women lay. “Ashley. I’m sorry,” I mutter, but it’s pointless, no words can express the pain I feel for her, and nothing can console her after what she’s experienced. We both walk silently to the car, this world is cruel, and I don’t know why anyone survived this hell. CHAPTER 8: EVERY TRAGEDY HAS A VICTIM “Sir, what about her? You told me your daughter died in an accident.” inquires Jack. “Well I lied, she was killed, and I wasn’t there to help her. You see, Anna was a CIA agent sent on a mission; however, it turned out that her mission was to spy on China. While doing her mission, she found out way more than she was supposed to. The government was raising taxes by a ridiculous amount, taking people’s homes, killing innocent people, and destroying the environment, but then she went even deeper, she found that the US government was in on it, in fact China had been acting under the control of the US. Anna tried to get to the public with this, but the CIA stopped her and had the Chinese kidnap her. Allan knew what was happening and he warned everyone, when no one listened, he went in and tried to save her. Damn kid nearly succeeded too.” Ed explains “What? He went in alone. Sir that’s impossible.” Exclaims Jack. “You have no fucking idea what this kid had for my daughter.” Says Ed. “He’s only human, how could he assault a fortified military compound single-handedly?” Reasons Jack. “With makeshift body armor and a machete. . .” CHAPTER 9: LAST WORDS LEFT UNSAID… ” Anna where are you?” Echoes my blood-curdling scream through the gore filled halls of Alcatraz. I have taken nearly 80 rounds and my armor is starting to fall apart. I clean the blood off my machete, and reload my pistol before returning it to its holster. Turning the next corner, I hear what sounds like crackling electricity. It has to be where they’re keeping her. I kick in the door and am immediately thrown to the ground by the immense force of buckshot to my chest. “I got him!” he says triumphantly to the other men in the room. “Watch out!” they scream back in horror as I get back up and rip the gun from his hands. He swings his fist at me; I dodge it and slice his arm off. “Where is she?” I scream as I snap his leg and continue into the room. The man screams out in pain, I rip my pistol from its holster and plant a round in his skull. As soon as I walk through the door, I freeze. I stare in agony at the abomination before my eyes, God, please no. “Stop right there!” the men shout, lifting their weapons with their shaking arms. “What have you done?” I ask, slowly turning my head to face them. I am trembling with anger. I begin to step towards them. “We were only following orders.” One man replies with his shaking voice. “What does it matter? Your life ends here.” says the other man with foolish confidence as he opens fire. I brace myself and charge, as the rounds flatten against my armor, I press forward, channeling my anger into my forward motion. “Why won’t you die?” screams the man. His magazine is empty. I take my chance, grasp his shoulder, and thrust my blade through his sternum and into his heart; I stare into his eyes as life fades from his body. “It’s not my time yet, but now is yours” I say, pulling my blade back as he falls to the ground. I turn to the shaking man. “Please, I didn’t want anything to do with this sick assignment” he begs. “And yet here you are, following orders.” I say to him as I step forward. “I was dead either way; you don’t understand these people I’m working for; you see what they did to her. Now what do you think they would have done to me?” he says. I look to Anna, she is naked, covered in electrodes, strapped to the wall, bruised, cut and beaten. I step towards the man. He is trembling. The gun falls from his shaking hands as he backs away. “And who are these people you work for? Who gave this order?” I ask “I… I don’t know… evil people… but they are government workers, the order came from high up.” He replies I knew it; the American government has grown more and more corrupt. It looks like Anna had gotten to close to their secrets. “If I ever see you again, you will die, now run!” I shout to the man. “I’m so sorry.” He says as he runs through the door. I turn to Anna. “I’m sorry I was too late…” I say as I walk to her, but I stop, frozen, as I notice her chest moving, she is still alive. “ANNA!” I scream, running to her. “ANNA CAN YOU HEAR ME” I scream, but her lips are glued shut. “If you can hear me Anna, nod twice,” I say. *Anna nods twice “Fuck, Anna I’m so sorry.” I say, tears beginning to fall. * Anna tugs at her restraints “Let me get you down from there” I say, taking my knife out to cut through the restraints. *Anna shakes her head That’s when I see it, spikes on the wall, driven through her back; if I take her down, she would bleed out in minutes. “Damnit Anna, there’s nothing I can do!” I cry out * Anna shakes her head furiously She is trying to say something; I can barely make it out. “Anna, do you want me to kill you” I ask with my broken voice. *Anna nods twice “Very well, we shall go together I say, pulling a grenade off one of the men. *Anna shakes her head furiously “Why Anna? Why can I not end it all here?” *Anna shakes her head slowly “Fine” I say, dropping the grenade and pulling out my pistol. “Please forgive me Anna.” I say placing the gun to her temple *Anna nods slowly “I’m sorry…” I whisper as I pull the trigger. The world becomes silent. I stand there in that spot for what feels like an eternity. When I regain my sense of reality, I begin to cut her down. I pick up Anna’s body, and carry it out of the building. Blood drenches my body, as with hers. Someday, I shall make the world burn for this.

[unicornsandcharlie2]

1. What is one thing that brings a smile to your face, no matter the time of day?

David playing around, my baby cousins.

2. What’s is one thing that you’re proud of?

Being a good sister, a communicative daughter and keeping a diary for 11 years.

3. What makes you laugh?

My best friend Marina, she’s hilarious. The Receipts podcast, stan twitter, Real Housewives fight compilations, Dance Moms 

4. When you’re feeling super lazy, what’s your guilty-pleasure Netflix show?

I’ve only begun watching it recently, The Thick Of It, but I haven’t watched it enough for it to be my go to.

5. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

Telling my parents I was sexually abused as a child and who had done it.

6. What is one memory you have from childhood?

Going to the toilet in my kindergarten in Kenya and wearing the blue uniform.

7. What’s the best thing about your life right now?

Not sure. My health maybe.

8. What is one thing that you’re thankful for?

A loving and supportive family.

9. What’s one thing that you fear?

Losing my friends.

10. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

11. Can you tell me one thing, big or small, that you’ve never told anyone else?

I get blisters on my feet

12. If you were forced to leave your home and move to a county you’ve never been before, what are three things that you’d take with you?

My diary, laptop and my bank card. 

13. What’s a favorite memory with a pet/animal?

Walking ralph and stroking him to sleep.

14. Who are you closest to in your family?

My brothers. But my mum knows the  most about me.

15. What’s your family like?

Loving, invasive, safe, ever growing, loud and Eritrean

16. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Salted Caramel but I love a cheeky chocolate cornetto 

17. What’s your favorite joke?

The Gregg joke

18. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Stapled my finger 

19. If you could rewrite your past, what’s one thing you’d change?

I would kiss him back.

20. What do you think your best physical feature is?

My smile

21. What’s one thing about yourself, personality-wise, that you like?

I am an Optimist

22. When you’re feeling down, who or what is your biggest go-to person or activity?

Listening to my favourite podcasts, and talking to my best mates.

23. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Old me would have said chocolate digestives, but I am trying to be healthy so no idea mate.

24. What’s one thing you’re super passionate about?

Reading.

25. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you give up and why?

Sense of smell, everything else is essential.

26. What’s the hardest thing, physically, you’ve ever done?

Surviving Masawa heat in a car with 6 other people, sitting on leather seats 

27. What’s the hardest thing, mentally, you’ve ever done or been through?

Coming to terms with my childhood trauma, and the latent issues it caused and manifested itself in destructive behavioural patterns.

28. What’s the best part about your job?

I do not work currently.

29. What’s one thing that defines who you are?

Reading and being a big sister.

30. If tomorrow was your last day on earth, what would you do in your last 24 hours?

Spending time with all my family, kissing my cousins incessantly, calling back to Eritrea, eating my favourite foods, swimming, go for a run, see my best friends .

31. What do you believe in, generally or faith-wise?

I believe in myself, I believe in being kind to people, I believe in being critical when necessary. I haven’t quite figured the rest out yet.

32. If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be?

I’m a Sagittarius. 

33. Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever been/traveled to?

Eritrea

34. What’s one thing people would never know about you just by looking at you?

I love X men and used to read the comics a lot.

35. What’s one thing about the opposite sex that you’re attracted to?

Their backs.

36. What are three qualities you look for in a potential date?

Communicative

Compatible

Beautiful

37. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for a girl?

I got the bus all the way to the practical outskirts of London when I was like 12 to give her a lock in the shape of a heart to let her know she was still my best friends even though we went to different schools.

38. How would others describe you?

Smart, funny a little bit crazy.

39. What’s your all-time favorite memory?

Floating in a river in Turkey looking up at the sky, waking up in the morning to have breakfast with my family in Eritrea, when David says my name, my brothers giving me a hug and a kiss everytime we say goodnight.

40. What are your parents/step-parents/guardians/people who raised you like?

Eritrean, one is a Libra, the other a Scorpio. Nuff said.

41. What’s your go-to alcoholic drink?

Disarrano and coke

42. What would be your ideal first date?

Bonfire night, huddled up together to get warm, in our cute but warm winter clothes. I am drinking dairyfree hot chocolate, November has just begun, the air is crisp and cool. We look at each other, our faces illuminated by the fireworks above us, amongst all these people I know I will be safe with them. We kiss.

43. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?

1) Return back to 2016 and start life again

2)Redistribute wealth and resources to the global south and reparations to the colonised countries

3) Protect all my cousins and brothers from ever being abused.

44. If you could a full 24 hours without any work or obligations, a day to just do whatever you wanted, what would you do?

I did try this and fell into a depressive episode so..

45. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

When Ali told me he liked my smile.

46. What is something you’re talented at?

Finding books when I have forgotten the name of the book, name of the author and really only know the obscure details of it.

47. What’s your favourite college memory?

Did not enjoy it enough to have a favourite experience.

48. What is your best friend like?

Funny, a Pisces, irreverent, kind, intelligent, athletic, adaptable, mysterious.

49. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

North London.

50. What’s one thing you want to do before you die?

Go to Antarctica.

51. If someone gave you a million dollars right now, what would you spend it on?

Put it all in savings and buy plane tickets for my WHOLE family to visit Eritrea one year so we can all see each other before my grandparents die.

52. Have you ever made a decision that changed your entire life? If so, what was it?

Telling my teachers I was having suicidal thoughts.

53. What’s your favourite thing to do on the weekends?

Read and drink tea

54. What’s your zodiac sign? And do you think it describes you?

Sag sun, Cap moon and Venus, Gemini rising. To a T.

55. What’s your biggest regret?

Too many to count.

56. What can always put you in a good mood?

A good cup of tea and Beyonce.

57. What’s your guilty pleasure snack, drink, or junk food?

Being a Barb and Chocolate digestives.

58. If you were forced to eat fast food for your every meal, what would be your top two places?

Five Guys.

59. What’s one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I was better being focused and also a billionaire. And to stop dwelling on the past.

60. If you had the option to hit restart and begin life all over again, would you?

YES

61. Have you ever lost someone close to you? What were they like?

In regards to death, yes my Grandfather. He loved me a lot but I couldn’t tell you anything about his personality, stoic I guess. In a broader sense of course I went to 4 different schools, so I have lost friends that way.

62. What’s your favorite social media profile?

My secret twitter, I am very wholesome on there.

63. What’s one thing that totally relaxes you when you’re stressed?

That one day everybody is going to be dead and none of this will matter eventually because our bodies are temporary things which will decay.

64. What’s a random hobby you’ve always wanted to try but never have?

Ballet.

65. When was the last time you cried, and why did you?

Cannot remember, probably a few days ago because of my academic obligations.

66. What scares you the most about the future?

Climate change and my career and my family’s health.

67. Do you want to have children someday?

Yes.

68. What do you imagine your future family will be like?

Healthy and Eritrean.

69. Have you ever done or accomplished something you never thought you could? What was it?

Yes.Telling people about my abuse.

70. What’s one thing you could never live without?

Pen and paper

71. Who is one person you could never live without?

Myself, literally.

72. What’s your favourite vacation place?

Eritrea.

73. Would you rather go out or stay in on a Saturday night?

Go out ( but I don’t very often )

74. What’s your favourite quote, line of poetry, or sentence?

“You don’t have to change, you just have to learn how to live with yourself”

75. What’s your favorite family memory?

I don’t know.

76. What’s one thing that helps you decide you can trust someone?

If they are measured, if I can relax around them.

77. Have you been in love before?

No.

78. How would you explain what ‘love’ is?

Still loving them and wanting the best for them when you are extremely angry.

79. Have you ever gotten your heart broken?

Yes.

80. What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself from a past relationship?

I am not as slick as I think I am and physical affection makes me feel nervous.

81. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

People moving my shit and not telling me where it is,

82. What’s one thing that’s a total turn off?

Ignorance.

83. What’s one thing that’s a total turn on?

A nice voice.

84. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for a girl?

I don’t fucking know?!

85. What’s your go-to drink/food/activity when you’re sick and in bed?

Tea and biscuits and spicy noodles.

86. What’s the scariest thing that ever happened to you as a kid?

Watching Taken and having very vivid nightmares about it afterward.

87. Who in your family, immediate or extended, are you the most similar to?

Henok.

88. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Happy, and thriving.

89. What’s your favorite song or artist?

Fast Car- Tracy Chapman.

90. What would be your dream job?

Getting paid to read the books I want.

91. If you were writing a book about your life, what would the title be?

I don’t know what’s going on either

92. What’s your favorite word?

Sefanit. It used to be unrealistic.

93. What keeps you up at night?

My academic obligations, trauma, the idea of never being happy and the internet.

94. What’s your go-to phrase?

Good for her.

95. What’s one silly, little-kid item that you still have somewhere hidden in your room?

My unicorn pet pillow, Hayley.

96. Who is someone that’s impacted your life or helped you become who you are?

Myrto- my therapist.

97. What’s one thing you want to achieve before you die?

Go to Antarctica.

98. What’s your favorite book?

This book will save your life by AM Homes.

99. What’s one thing, silly or serious, that you’re guilty of?

Swearing a lot.

100. What makes you blissfully, completely, smile-from-ear-to-ear happy?

Reading, a good cup of tea with chocolate digestives, my best friends jokes, when David says my name, having fun with my mum, my dad calling me sweetie, hearing the right playlist at the right time and clean sheets

[shewantstobebeautiful]

On boundaries and invalidations

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with setting boundaries and having my feelings/wants/needs completely invalidating and overlooked. Seriously, thinking back to my childhood, I was very uncomfortable around men. Not just because my parents divorced and I was raised almost compeltely by women when I was very young. But because I was sexually assisted, multiple times by more than once person before ever hitting puberty. I never told anyone until recently, but that is not the point. I never felt comfortable around men, but I was a very cute little kid and adults fawned all over me, never listening when I said to stop tickling or when I didn’t want to talk just to they could giggle and laugh at my speech impediment or when I didn’t want to sit on laps anymore.

The same thing goes for being invalidated for what I’m feeling. When you’re a kid you don’t have the proper vocabulary skills to express what you’re feeling or why. Which makes it hard to explain why you’re scared or sad for no reason whatsoever. It look me years to realize that the sudden and intense fear that made me cry and occasionally throw up it was so bad, were panic attacks. I would be sad for days on end, no matter the situation, and cry and be told off for crying for no reason (“I’ll give you something to cry about”) or having zero desire to do anything except sleep, those were my first episodes of depression.

My first year of high school, I knew I needed help. I didn’t want to talk to my mom because she had previously written off the panic attacks (“really, shelby? Again? You’re fine.”), all consuming anxiety, and depression (“it’s just your period”) since I started having those feelings. I remember sitting at the dining room table after getting yelled at for so long about my dropping grades, crying because I had always been good in school, always been on the honor roll, and knowing I was still capable of those same achievements, but I couldn’t get past whatever was wrong in my brain to make it happen. I tried telling my mom I needed to see a therapist. That something was wrong. That I was scared, scared of myself, scared for myself. It wasn’t until almost the entire school year later, after I had taken to cutting myself to cope with everything that she realized how serious I had been all those months ago.

Around that same time, my bounderies were pushed even more. We lived in an old house and my door didn’t have a latch on it. So to keep the dog out of my room so she wouldn’t keep chewing up my things, my mother put a simple hook and eye lock on my door so it would stay closed when I wasn’t in it. My brother took to locking me in my room, thinking it was hysterical. More than once I had to climb out my own bedroom window just to get out of my room or yank my door open so hard I had had the door knob come off in my hand. We also only had once bathroom. That was the one room with a lock (that comes into play soon). I would announce to the family when I was going to shower and ask if anyone needed in there before my shower, so I wouldn’t be disturbed. It took me years to learn to do this, but even so I would always have someone knocking or just barging in halfway through my shower (not even 30 minutes) saying they needed to use the bathroom. So I would be stark ass naked, with usually my step dad or brother through a flimsy shower curtain or worse before we got rid of it, a clouded sliding glass door between us. Talk about an invasion of privacy. So I started taking to locking the door. To which I instantly started getting yelled at for. (“What if someone needs in there.” “What if something happens to you and we can’t get in.”) I would get the same lecture/scolds when I started putting my heavy saxophone case or a chair in front of my bedroom door when I slept because I had someone start invading my bed at night.

In therapy, I finally started learning that I matter. That what I feel matters. That what I want and what I need matter. That I’m allowed to say no and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem, not my own. 10 years later, I’m still struggling with accepting it and making what I want known, but I at least can say it now and believe it.

It wasn’t until about 4 or so years later, when I moved out of my moms house not even a year after graduating high school, that I started testing bounderies. Simple things, like setting up rules with my roommate about shared common space and personal private space. And low and behold, she respected my bounderies. For the two years we lived together, maybe a handful of times did she knock on the bathroom door while I was in there. Never once did she break the noise rule we had in place or barge into my room without knocking, even if the door was open. It was liberating to feel validated and respected by somebody. Even if that somebody was simply my best friend.

Alas, at 19 I was working 2 jobs and going to school full time, as well as being in a committed relationship and having a pretty active social life. This was just before the rise of awareness of the importance in mental health and self care. I would be going nonstop at least 5 days a week. Class from 8am-12pm on M/W/F, followed by working my first job from 12-4, second jo from 4:30-10, then home to study, hang out with friends or girlfriend, and usually smoke a lot of pot. On Tuesday’s and Thursday’s I would work opening shifts at my first job, from 5or6am-2:30pm, followed by the same second job hours. Weekend would be the same as Tuesday’s and Thursday’s but not end until around midnight, usually followed by partying at a first house. This scheduled went on for two years. Until one day, everything caught up with me. I’m not sure when it all crashed around me, not too long after my 21st birthday. I don’t remember when or what happened, I just remember being stoned out of my mind, hadn’t had proper meal or shower in a few days, sitting on the truck of my car, smoking a cigarette as I cried/fought with my then girlfriend about the new cuts on my arms.

I’ll save the depression and all that mental health talk for another rambling, that’s not why we’re here today. It ended with me getting help, lots of help, having to quit one of my jobs, break up with my girlfriend, and move back home with my mother, right back to the hell i had worked so hard to crawl out of. Only now, the rules and lack of freedom were even worse, and even more so because I was sick and “didn’t help around the house.” All the validation in myself that I had, that I was struggling to hold on to, disappeared like a smoke in the wind. Only worse, due to living on complete opposite schedule as my mom and step dad, so the rules just kept coming.

No showering after midnight, the noise wakes us up (I didn’t get home from work until 12:30 most nights)

The kitchen closes at midnight, make yourself food before you go to work and heat it up when you get off, you keep waking us up

No using the microwave once we’re asleep (my solution, turn the sound off the microwave so I can eat warm food)

Stop messing with the microwave, your step dad is convinced it’s broken

Clean the bathroom over the weekend (despite my busiest work days being the weekend)

Don’t add too much food to the grocery list, we aren’t made of money (I added an extra handful of things because a family party was coming up and I wanted to make a side everyone loved, but we didn’t have what I needed to do it)

No company

No company

No company

Don’t touch the thermostat (it was set at almost 80 in the winter, and my room was right above the furnace room, I was being roasted like a Christmas goose)

Don’t come in the backdoor

Quick stomping around after we go to sleep (old house, they lived in the basement, I could have and did tip toe, and it would still wake them up)

Take better car of your car (at this point, I was practically living in my car just to avoid being in the house, so the backseat was a mess of changes of clothes, fast food wrappers, and bottles of water, as well as a pillow and blanket for sleeping)

Stop hanging out with those people (three friends I had known since high school, only problem I stayed over at theirs a lot and was never home to be the house maid anymore)

At 23, I moved out again, with a threat/promise of never moving back into that house again, that I’ll be homeless first. I was moving in with a coworker and his girlfriend. I had grown very close with his girlfriend since he introduced us, wasn’t his biggest fan, but I needed out of that house. The three of us, and my boyfriend who moved in officially like a month later, had a small, two story condominium together. 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms. Enough space for all four of us. Until I learned that my coworker didn’t know/care about bounderies. Since he as comfortable with himself and didn’t care about a closed door or a shirt or names written on leftovers, neither did anybody else.

The first week of living together, I was already regretting moving in with them. In the course of 7 days I had:

Seen my coworkers dick

Been walked in on multiple times while showering or using the toilet (no lock on the door)

Been walked in on while having sex with my boyfriend (bought a lock that same day)

Had 3 different leftovers eaten

Had all of the soda I bought drank before I even had a can of it myself

Didn’t get told I had a bill from my therapist

Had my female roommate change her clothes in front of me, in my room, while we were talking about Shameless

Had both roommates invade my room to watch the movie Patrick and I were watch, without being invited

Overheard my male roommate having sex with someone that wasn’t his girlfriend (apparently they have an open relationship)

Now, Patrick and I live alone, preparing for the birth of our son (due literally any day now) and I’m working hard to put my foot down about what I need/want. And it needs to be known that what I, as someone who is about to push a baby out of my fucking body, need/want is honestly all that matters right now. I don’t want people staying with us. Yet, for the last three nights, we’ve had people staying with us. Nick two night and last night, their mother. I have told Patrick I don’t want anyone but us (him and I and the baby) staying in our apartment for at least the first week of the alien’s life. I’m scared and pissed off that that isn’t how it’s going to go though.

Patrick’s mom is on disability right now, recovering from a very bad fall she had in the winter. While she is doing much better, she isn’t working so she has nothing but free time. She came down earlier than excpected, as she decided she would like to be around for the birth and to be around for Nick, and will be staying in town until at least mid-June from what I have gathered. So she brought A LOT of stuff with her, as well as gifts for the baby and stuff (food) that can only be bought in her state that we like. I’m trying to have patience when it comes to this, that Nick’s ex basically trashed his apartment while she’s in the process of moving out, that Nick is very ashamed of his situation and doesn’t want his mom in his apartment until it’s less of a wreck, that she won’t be stay with us after the birth. But I’m miserably pregnant, want my space, and this baby out of me. I really don’t care that Nick’s life is a mess right now. If he would just accept his mom’s help, it would be over and done with before my son is even born.

I am giving it one more day, seriously until the end of today, and if I don’t get what I want, I’ll become a bitch and I really don’t care who’s feelings I hurt in the process. After 24 years of invalidation and people not respecting what I want and what I need, and with my son to worry about, I honest to god, can’t be bothered to spare feelings anymore. This is my apartment, my baby, my body. I’m not just a vessel for creating a life that you can take as you please, not just a place you can crash because we have “an extra room”, not your baby. Deal with it or get gone.

[soworthloving]

Alex's Recovery Story

By Alex Berthelot

My name is Alex and I am here to share my journey through mental illness and recovery!

My journey with mental illness began when I was a kid and diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was really distressing for a while however as I grew older it began to get easier to manage. As the OCD started to get better, the depression kicked in at age 13. I began crying a lot at school and I wasn’t able to figure out why. All I knew is that I felt really alone and none of my peers seemed to quite understand what I was going through. 

I resorted to self harm in 8th grade and I so badly wish I could go back to that night, the moment before I hurt myself for the first time, and give my younger self a big hug and let her know that hurting yourself physically will not dull the pain on the inside, in fact it will make it much worse in the long run. 

Years went by and things got a little better, I switched schools in 10th grade and finally thought I found a school where I fit in with my peers. It didn’t take long for me to become involved in a horribly controlling relationship that was abusive in almost all ways you can imagine. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that abusive relationships can happen at any age. Just because my abuser was 16 years old doesn’t justify it, and it doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse. I tried so hard to reach out for help over the course of that relationship but no one believed me for reasons which I still fail to understand. 

Thinking back to this time in my life is hard. It was such an incredibly dark time. My self harming behaviors became so severe that the people at the urgent care near my house knew why I would come in every time and the suicidal thoughts were overwhelming. The abuse was so bad that my body’s coping mechanism became to dissociate and detach myself completely from the present and live partially disconnected from daily life and my junior year of high school I spent more time in different psychiatric hospitals than I did at school. It became clear to my therapist and parents that I needed a higher level of care than I could receive at home and so when I was 16 years old my mom and I flew across the country to Utah and I was admitted to a residential treatment center there. I would not be standing here right now had I not gone to residential treatment back in 11th grade. I worked the program, worked hard in therapy and graduated and was able to move home after 8 months of living there. However, the month after I graduated that program I relapsed with self harm. 

The next 3 years are a bit of a blur, I still struggled with self harm and depression but I managed and I graduated high school and moved to college which are 2 things I never thought I would be able to do. The first year of college was not without its struggles but I managed to enjoy most of it. However my Sophomore year is when my mental health started to decline rapidly. Second semester sophomore year is when I became really truly incapacitated by my mental illness. I ended up experiencing a manic episode, which is something I had never experienced before. I was feeling so incredibly good, I thought I was cured from all of the pain depression and PTSD brought along so I quit therapy. Soon the good energy I was feeling turned into angry pent up energy and I was barely able to sleep for a week. I started taking too much of my sleeping medication to try and help me sleep and ended up crashing really hard and really fast. The depression was back but this was no longer functioning depression, this was not being able to get out of bed for a week other than to use the restroom type of depression. I forfeited everything necessary to survive such as food and showering because I literally was so incapacitated, apathetic and lethargic. My roommates were starting to get really worried about me (for good reason) however my depression convinced me that there was no problem. My self harming behaviors were out of control and the suicidal thoughts were becoming so loud and it really seemed like the only way out was death. I remember sitting on my bed staring at my prescription medication. I knew I was on medication that could really be dangerous in an overdose situation and I wish so badly I could go back to that night and tell myself what I know now. Even though my depression was telling me that I wanted to die, I know now that I just wanted to no longer be in such emotional pain. So often depression convinces you that the only way out of such pain is through death and so a year and a half ago I tried so hard to leave this world. The next couple of days are a blur, I woke up to the sounds of the hospital machines that were keeping me alive and just stared at the ceiling in disbelief. I never imagined myself alive at age 20, but there I was in a cold hospital room, hopeless but alive. It took almost a week for me to be medically stable enough to be transferred to a psychiatric hospital and after I was discharged from psych, I withdrew from school and moved home and began treatment at Skyland Trail. 

It was about 1 month into my stay at Skyland that I finally realized that I either put my all into recovery or I die. I realized recovery is not going to work if I only recover for my family. Recovery is only going to happen if I want it. And so that is when I fully committed to finding my way back to the light, not because my family wanted me to, but because I wanted to. 

The biggest, most helpful realization I had at Skyland was realizing that recovery doesn’t mean the absence of mental illness, recovery means learning to live with it in a way that still allows you to have a full and fulfilled life. If you had asked me a year and a half ago if I believed that I would be able to live a life and experience happiness I would have laughed in your face. Now, a year and a half into recovery, I am still learning how to manage my illnesses and it’s still hard at times. In fact since I graduated from Skyland, I have been able to start processing through the trauma I experienced throughout that horrible relationship and this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I am so proud to say that even though talking about it is beyond painful, I am still 100% committed to using the skills I learned to help regulate my emotions and when I need more support, I allow myself to reach out for it which is something I have never done in the past. 

Something I really struggled with when I was in the depths of my depression was feeling like I didn’t deserve to be here and that I had no purpose in life. It’s still hard to find a purpose for all of this pain I’ve been through, especially when it comes to the abuse I endured but I am confident in saying that I did not fight through all of this pain and find my way back to the light only to stay quiet about it. I am here to share my story and to let others know that it is so possible to find a life worth living. 

At Skyland I was inspired to start keeping an art journal. 

Through journaling I came to this realization and learned that the reason I started self harming in the first place was because I was feeling so much emotional pain and distress and I didn’t know how else to convey how bad I was feeling, so I thought that maybe if I hurt myself on the outside, people would realize how badly I was hurting on the inside. That whole plan kind of backfired because I would self harm and immediately cover it up and not let anyone see. And before I knew it I was quite literally addicted to hurting myself. I am so thankful I began journaling and in my journal among random drawings is where I keep my poetry. I have found that even if writing doesn’t completely convey how I’m feeling on the inside, it is still much more effective in communicating the thought process in my head and helps not only me understand myself a bit better, but I also share my journal with my therapist and it helps her know how she can help me best. I found myself writing a piece on New Years Eve, which is typically the day I dread most out of the whole year. I have always detested it because in the past it always felt like a sick slap in the face because I spent a whole year sad. This year was different though. I found myself reflecting on everything that happened in 2016. It was most definitely the hardest year of my life and also the year where I allowed the most healing to take place. I wanted to share this poem with you all:

 “this year i found myself broken 

before i even knew i was breaking.

 sitting on the edge of my bed 

staring at the floor of my bedroom,

with a pain in my heart and a sickness in my head

that no living being should experience,

i tried so hard to leave this world 

and i came so close to being gone.

 i woke up to the sound of the hospital machines 

that were keeping me alive and spent the following days 

lying in an unfamiliar bed in a cold hospital room,

staring at the ceiling in disbelief.

 i never imagined myself alive at age twenty,

but there i was, lying in a hospital bed, 

alive, hopeless, but alive.

 through this brokenness i was brought to people

who believed i had the strength to piece myself whole again. 

and i spent so much of the time pushing them away

because i was afraid to fail at living, 

the same way i had failed at dying.

 but these people never gave up on me 

even when i had long given up on myself,

and soon i started to accept the help i 

had convinced my self i was so unworthy of.

 this year was brutal.

 even now there are times that feel impossible 

but in those moments, i remind myself that

even breathing is an act of courage.

 there are still days where i curse my sorrow

but i am learning that this pain is what has 

taught me compassion in the truest form.

 i have spent months unlearning the lies 

that years of abuse left me believing true

and planting a garden of self love instead.

 i had spent so long living in darkness 

that i believed i was beyond repair,

but i am learning that there is no such thing.

 i have a place in this world and

i am piecing myself whole again.

 i am growing, 

i am learning, 

i am rebuilding.

i am alive.

 and this is only the beginning.”

 A year and a half ago, the thought of living without self harm was a joke to me. I never thought I could live without harming myself in some form. I am 21 years old now, I started self harming at age 13 and in those 7 years I was never clean for longer than 8 months. As I stand here right now, I am so proud to say that it’s been over a year since I last cut myself. And if anyone reading this is struggling, I want to let you know that it is ok to reach out and ask for help and it is so possible to find yourself on the other side of all of this pain. If you are hopeless right now, I am lending you some of the hope I have because, I have enough hope for both of us. You are not weak just because you are hurting and you do not have to go through this alone.

Looking back on everything I wish so badly that someone had believed me when I tried to reach out when I was stuck in that abusive relationship. I was left to deal with the pain alone until I finally found a treatment team who believed me. The most powerful thing anyone has ever said to me is ‘I believe you’. So to anyone struggling through an abusive relationship or to anyone who is struggling in finding people who believe you no matter what struggles you are facing. I just want to say, that I do. I believe you. Your pain is real and your pain is valid, and I believe that you can get through this. Keep reaching out because you will find help just as I did. You are worth it, you are worth recovery and you are so worth loving. Hang in there and keep fighting, you’re going to make it through. 

[sexandthecityandme-blog]

Episode One - Sex and the City (Pilot)

Once upon a time, a 25-year-old girl from Southern California found herself single, phoneless, and shopping for half-off lace bras on a Friday night. 

That girl...was me. Hey there!

Sure, I’d usually try to plan to be somewhere cooler on a Friday night, and yeah, I’d love to be dating someone, but the reality is that none of this was exceptionally out of the ordinary...except the part about me being phoneless—that was odd. 

Odd because: A.) It’s 2017. No one is phoneless. B.) I’m obsessed with my phone. There’s a lot happening on Twitter these days! C.) I don’t even have a good story about how I lost my phone. I just LOST it on a perfectly normal day. It might’ve fallen out of my lap when I got out of the car, it might’ve fallen out of my bag while I was at the beach...it was misplaced in a spectacularly boring fashion. 

Either way, I’d purposely put off getting a new one and left myself in a phoneless state for four days, telling most people it was “on the fritz,” because just being phoneless? That’s odd. And in going off the grid, I’d gone slightly off the rails. In the past four days, I’d

bought a set of tarot cards created by a woman named, I shit you not, the White Witch of L.A.

listened to a LOT of Crystal Castles

masturbated 3 times

worn a silk robe to work (over a tank top)

Hurricane Harvey had just past, Hurricane Jose was barreling down, Hurricane Irma was here. “TIME IS RUNNING OUT” the homepage of Weather.com was screaming at Floridians. The Northwest was on fire. Bangladesh was underwater. Oh! Trump was, and still is, presi[gag]dent. 

And I’m wearing silk robes and shopping for lace bras. Masturbatory! In every sense of the word.

To make matters worse, somewhere between the rack of Heidi Klum-brand bras and the rack of Wonderbras, I had the AUDACITY to think to myself, “What bra size am I, really? And which Sex and the City character would I be right now?”

…And then I quickly and devastatingly realized I was none of them. Charlotte would never be irresponsible enough to lose her phone, Carrie would shop at La Perla, and Miranda…OK, it actually seemed like kind of a Miranda thing to do. Maybe I was a Miranda? 

Anyways, Samantha wouldn’t touch any of it with a ten-foot pole, which depressed the hell out of me. In my younger days (and by that, I mean as a 14-year-old watching heavily edited versions of SATC on TBS), I’d wanted to be a Samantha. I didn’t totally understand her whole vibe (because again, heavily edited episodes), but I knew that she was *sassy* and didn’t seem to take any shit.

After that, 20-year-old me decided I wanted to be Carrie: I ran my school’s weekly sex column (despite having only had sex with a whopping total of six men), started casually smoking cigarettes, and dreamed of moving to New York. 

None of that really played out.

But if we were doing a ~five-year check-in....14-year-old me wanted to be a Samantha, and 20-year-old me wanted to be Carrie—what did 25-year-old me want? And really, wasn’t this a deeply stupid question?? And, really, how could I know the answer to this stupid question when I’d only seen the terrible movies and maybe 15 episodes, tops???

Anyways, I decided that in my current single state, the best thing to do would be to rewatch the whole series, see if any of it held up, and pray my life got interesting enough to do some Carrie Bradshaw-style musing on the side. 

A few weeks ago, a fellow writer told me she’d interviewed a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, who’d told her that her biggest regret in life was not journaling more. This was a woman who’d made a career of entering war zones, pining about forgetting to fucking journal. 

Naturally, me and my writer friend decided this would be the year that we’d make an effort to keep track of our lives. And this is is how I’m going to do it.

There are 94 episodes of Sex and the City; I’ll try to watch about two episodes per week and keep up this project for the next year or so...or however long it takes! And I’ll probably watch those terrible movies, because like any girl, I FUCKING LOVE that scene where Carrie tries on all the wedding dresses.

Yes, New York, it was finally time for me to tackle the age-old question: 

Could an old Clinton/Bush-era show keep up with new tricks? Could a self-proclaimed 2017 Feminist worried about falling wages and that fucker Mike Pence taking away her reproductive rights lose herself in a frivolous show about sex and fashion???!

Or something like that. I live in Orange County, what do I know. OH, and I haven’t had sex in over a year.

Sooooooo..yeah! Now I’m sitting in bed in one of my cheap new lacy bras, queuing up SATC while eating a pumpkin scone and drinking a Ballast Point Mango Even Keel like a reeeeeal basic bitch. 

But just for the record, since no one’s around to confirm or deny: this lacy half-priced bra is doing fucking WONDERS for my boobs.

Let’s. Begin.

Episode One - Sex and the City (Pilot)

OK, I didn’t think I’d need you guys to watch along with me, but guys: I know all of y’all locked down someone’s ex-boyfriend’s mom’s HBOGO password to watch Game of Thrones, so PLEASE go watch this ep so you can understand what I’m about to say:

This series, one of the most iconic of ALL TIME, opens with “Once upon a time...” and then a TERRIBLE story about some girl from London getting stood up by a man in New York. 

AND the worst part is that this girl? CLEARLY? has an AUStRALIAN accent??!> 

Our OG British heroine Elizabeth (WHO WE NEVER SEE AGAIN) pronounces this, “Oy don’t unduhsteeeend.” I AM SHOOK. BRITISH MY ARSE.

IMPORTANT!!! THIS is how we’re introduced to Carrie Bradshaw:

I can’t believe I didn’t buy cigarettes for this!

And after dramatically stamping out her cig, she launches into this gem: 

“The end of love in Manhattan. Welcome to the Age of Uninnocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s, and no one has affairs to remember...Cupid has flown the co-op. (then, directly to camera) How the hell did we get into this mess???”

That....is not great. But! I FORGOT SHE BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL AND TALKS TO CAMERA IN S1. Frank Underwood, get fucked—what you’re doing ain’t new, ya toxic white male.

Young Me didn’t know about Shine Theory and T Swift fake feminism, and I unabashedly hated Charlotte. 2017 Me is much more woke but...it is still very difficult for me to...support Charlotte. 

Her opening line is, “Men are threatened by successful women. If you want to get these guys, you have to keep your mouth shut, and play the rules.” 

I know that she’s probably technically right, but also... I HAVE NEVER DISAGREED WITH ANYTHING MORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

(Also: Charlotte YORK?! Y’all gonna write a series about NEW YORK CITY and name a main character York. C’mon Candace Bushnell, boo, you’re better than that, right?)

“What women really want is Alec Baldwin!” a very unimpressive white male specimen just squawked at the camera for no reason. 

The first time we meet Samantha, she advocates having sex like a man: sex with no strings—or feelings—attached.

14-year-old me was like, “HELL YEAH GIRL THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. ALSO WHAT’S SEX LIKE.” 

Aaaaaand 25-year-old me doesn’t feel much differently.

“The right guy is an illusion—start living your life!” —Samantha Jones

So Carrie does it! And she does it in the most delightful way! She lets an ex eat her out, and when he pokes his stupid head up out of the sheets to groan, “My turn,” she *kisses him on the forehead* and leaves. *Chef’s kiss!*

She leaves feeling “powerful, potent, and incredibly alive”...

...and then, because women can never win, and must always be punished for our actions in one way or another, she drops the contents of her purse on the ground, and is humiliated when a hot stranger (BIG) picks up a roll of condoms and hands them to her. Fuck that blushing; good on ‘ya for being prepared, Carrie.

Me one second: You know, I don’t think being a Miranda is terrible! All men ARE assholes!!

Me one second later: Oh Jesus Christ, Miranda is harsh as hell

Later in the episode, Carrie realizes that somehow men like it even more when we decide to have sex without feelings...and suddenly, men win, again. 

“Did all men want their women promiscuous and unattached? Why didn’t I feel more in control?” 

This is the part I must’ve missed. In my years of idolizing the Samanthas, the Rozs, the Elaines, telling my college-self that sex without feelings was the way to go, that dating a lot of men would be adventurous and FUN™, this is the part I could never get a hold of: when you’ve convinced yourself that you’re strong enough to detach from everything, sometimes you really are strong enough to do it! But sometimes, you’re lying.

Well, after that hard-hitter, time to escape back into the show, and—OH NO. Big just got introduced as the “NEXT DONALD TRUMP except younger and much better looking.” Welp, now I’ll never be able to root for him again.

The Donald Trump thing does not completely step on the catharsis of watching this episode, though. That catharsis comes from the relentless tearing down of 90% of mediocre white men we encounter throughout the pilot. 

After Charlotte turns down sex with this guy (whose name is CAPOTE DUNCAN because of course it is lord help us), he gets into her cab, gives the cabbie the address of a club, and says:  

No one’s actually this terrible IRL, but I LOVE that if we’re gonna make someone overtly horrid to signal to the audience that they are the WORST type of human, it’s the Eric-Trump-lookin’ ass white dude named CAPOTE.

“And so, another Friday night in Manhattan crept towards dawn...”

And as Big creeps up to Carrie in his town car and (?!) instructs his driver to honk at her on the street at 3 a.m. (?!), it *dawns* on me: 

FUCK, he really does remind me of Donald Trump!

Here are the words he says to Carrie during their first real conversation:

“Get in, for chrissakes.”

“You mean like a hooker?”

“You’re not like that.”

“You’ve never been in love.”

He condescends and embarrasses the hell out of her...and she’s smitten.

And I get it. 

I mean, I absolutely get it on a personal level, as a girl who’s been “He’s Just Not That Into You” levels of attracted to someone whose teasing I took to be flirting. More than once.

But also...leaning into the Donald Trump comparison a little hard here, on a larger level... That’s how Tr*** succeeded, right? By tearing us down again and again, making us feel bad about ourselves, just like every shitty man ever, just so he could position himself as someone who could come in and help us (the “us” here is a general “us”; I certainly didn’t buy that shit). 

He fucking NEGGED us, and so did Big. And it worked for both of them. 

Big is the only rich white man in this episode who isn’t relentlessly dunked on, even though he seems to be just as terrible as Byron Fingerbottom or whatever that last guy’s name was. My official position on this as of episode one? FUCK BIG. And FUCK all rich white men. And also, DON’T fuck rich white men, EVER.

By god, watching this series actually might be harder than I thought.

Finally, I need you guys to know that they hold this shot

FOR FOUR WHOLE FUCKING SECONDS 

and then the episode fades out!!!!!! WHAT. HOW DID THIS PILOT EVER GET PICKED UP.

Episode 1 Wrap-up

Best line: “Abso-fuckin-lutely.” —Big, whom I detest at this moment

Best look: The fashion in the pilot is disappointing as hell! Everyone wears plain black dresses all episode. There is ONE mention of Manolo Blahnik, and it’s not even in reference to a pair of shoes Carrie owns/is currently buying. The most exciting things that happen outfit-wise are the above peek of leopard, Miranda’s ridiculous commitment to huge white collars peeking out of everything...and this ephemeral ray of light:

Carrie, hair thrown up, in something that looks like a men’s pajama shirt, eating a carton of chocolate ice cream. 

As I sit here putting the finishing touches on this blog, also wearing blue men’s pajamas (v cheap and v much from Primark) and hand jewelry, inexplicably, with my hair thrown up, eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies (I just started my period k) in a bougie apartment that I’m paying WAY too much for, I couldn’t help but wonder....

Was I actually already more of a Carrie than I’d thought?

Perhaps, there was hope for me yet.

Eh. Perhaps not.