#like it's not like i haven't loved hard enough or anything it's UNFAIR that other people can fall deeply in love in like months

[lesbianfrottage]

Realized I'm too lashy outy rn to even try and claw my way out of this by talking to people because if I have to hear people gush about their love lives rn it's gonna kill me and make me just not behave right and I don't WANT to do that I'm just so goddamn jealous.

[growup-thatbeautiful]

Can I get asking gym crush!Dave Lizewski to spot you and needing his help. I think that could spark a beautiful romance

a:n: yes of course!! if anyone wants more of this idea definitely give me any thoughts. college aged dave :)

It's embarrassing. You don't even know his name, and you've never once talked to him. Sometimes he comes in with his friends- two of them- but you haven't caught any information about him besides his frankly impressive workout routine. And it's not like you see him a lot; he comes here way less than you. Yet somehow he seems to be stronger than most other regulars at the gym.

It’s probably for the best that you don’t see him a lot, though. Because when he is there, you find it hard to focus on anything except for him. Everywhere you look he seems to be there in the corner of your eye or in the glimpse of the mirrored wall.

It's unfair, really. No one should be able to look that good while covered in sweat, his curls sticking up in every direction and matted to the back of his neck. The compression shirt that he's wearing is dark with sweat, but his expression doesn't look fazed at all.

Today, though, you're determined for it to be different. You have a few more reps you want to do at the machine, then your plan is to go to the bar and do squats. Then you have your usual cool-down mile and stretching routine. Distractions don't fit into your schedule, especially because you’re already bone-tired today.

You do the last rep, timing your breath in and out to your movement. There's a pleasant, constant tiredness in your legs that you’ve come to love, and the music blasting in your ears pushes you towards your next exercise.

Luckily, the bar is open and you’re able to start your set right away. Maybe it's because you're still a little bit sore from your last leg day, or maybe you're just not feeling it today, but it feels harder than usual. By the third set, your legs are shaking much more than usual and you’re having trouble getting through the reps.

It’s definitely not your smartest decision ever to keep going, but you really don’t to stop early. Some part of you thinks that you can just push through and make it; the reasonable part of you is saying that you’re going to need someone to spot you.

Looking around, you don’t see anyone you know- no friends or friends of a friend. It’s relatively empty for the time of day, but you need to ask someone to spot you.

And in the opposite corner of the gym, there he is. He’s not doing any reps, and from the way he’s checking his phone you don’t think that he’s in the middle of any.

You try to tell yourself that everyone else is busy and he’s the only option, but you know it’s not true. Even if he was busy, you would wait for him to finish and ask him anyways. There’s no telling when you’re going to have another opportunity like this to talk to him- at least you have an excuse to go up to him.

If your legs weren’t already shaking, they are as you walk over towards him. It’s a sin, for him to look at good as he does without really doing anything at all. Your own music blasting through one of your dangling earbuds isn’t enough to calm your nerves. He’s wearing headphones too, so he can’t hear you coming, and he seems immersed in whatever he’s doing, so you stand there awkwardly while he finishes. When he looks up at you, a smile makes its way across his face, and he holds out his hand for you to shake it, not caring about the obvious sweat.

You tell him your name and shake him hand, your stomach doing flips the whole time.

He, in turn, introduces himself. “I’m Dave. Do you need something?” He says it with a pleasant tone, but he must think that he’s been rude because he backtracks immediately. “Shit, that sounded rude, sorry. I just- people don’t usually come up to me.”

“It’s okay,” you assure him with a laugh. “I actually wanted to ask you if you could spot me. I only have a few sets left.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” He looks genuinely excited at your request, and he dutifully follows you to your rack.

You take a deep breath and look at the weights waiting for you. The soreness in your body seems worse now that he’s there standing behind you, his hands clasped behind his back. When you take another breath, it sounds a lot like a sigh. You’re thrilled that he’s willing to help you, but you don’t want him to think you’re weak.

“Hey, you got this,” he says lowly. “I’ve seen you do this a million times before, it’s just another rep, yeah?”

You don’t have the brainpower to think about him saying he’s seen you do this before because all of your thoughts go to his hand on your back, gently urging your forward towards the bar. He doesn’t say anything more, but the message is received.

You step underneath the bar and stand up straight, the bar’s weight settling into your shoulders. You can’t see Dave behind you, but you can feel the heat of his hands underneath your arms as he supports you.

You breathe in. Go down.

Breathe out. Push yourself up.

Do it again. And again 8 more times before stepping forward to rerack the weights.

When you turn around, Dave is looking up at the ceiling, his hands straight down at his sides. You fix your hair and pause your music before taking a sip of water.

“Dave?” you ask. “You can look at me, you know.”

“I didn’t want you to think that I was checking you out,” he explains while he brings his eyes to yours. “M’not gonna be that guy.”

“I appreciate it,” you respond, your heart warming at the sentiment. “Really, I do. But I wouldn’t mind you looking.” It’s not exactly the most subtle hint you’ve ever given a guy, but something tells you that subtle isn’t the right approach with Dave.

“What?” He really looks clueless as to what you’re talking about, his head tilted to the side. Your brain helpfully supplies you with “puppy dog.”

Too subtle, then. “Do you want to get coffee after this?” You’re positive that your smile is uncertain and crooked.

“Me?” he asks.

“Yes, you,” you laugh. “Look, I know you don’t know me, but I’d like to get to know you.”

“I’d like that, too.” The grin on his face is wide and full, bringing light and laugh lines to his eyes. You haven’t seen this smile from him yet, which is probably a good thing because it has a dangerous effect on you. “You have another set left,” he informs you. “So why don’t we finish that up and go get coffee after?”

“Sounds like a plan,” you agree, stepping back underneath the bar, a renewed vigor in your legs. That vigor, of course, goes away when you actually start the last set.

You do the first five without an issue, but you start struggling more with the sixth. By the eighth rep, you’re face is twisted with effort and you can barely get back up.

Dave doesn’t say anything, but you know he’s there. And his presence is fully reassured to you when he mutters close to your ear, “Come on, just a few more. I’m right here.”

He has to help you with the last rep, his arms supporting you underneath your armpits as he takes some of the weight off and helps you get back the the rack. It forces him much closer to you than before, and you can feel his heart racing against your back. You know yours is beating just as fast.

“Thank you,” you tell him, a little bit out of breath still. “You’re a live-saver.”

A funny look comes across his face at that, but it clears away in a blink. “Anytime.”

“How about that coffee?” you ask, grabbing your keys and water before shooting a quick text to your friends so they know where you’re going. Then, holding out your hand, you say, “It’s the least I can do.”

He takes your hand in between his own, leading you towards his own pile of things. “I know a good place around here.”

“Lead the way,” you tell him.

Maybe asking for his help wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

[certifiedsexed]

Hi! So, I'm asexual. I know I'm asexual. Like, I didn't realize sex was something people my age were engaging in until I was in like grade 11 because I felt such a disconnect and assumed media just blew everything about sex way out of proportion. I'm also somewhere between sex repulsed and sex neutral. The thought of having sex either seems like and absolute chore (on good days) or is something that makes me feel- no joke- pure , visceral revulsion at the mere thought (on bad ones.) However, I WANT to want sex more than anything. I think on SOME days I'd be ok with being the recieving partner, but I'd never want to reciprocate (ESPECIALLY when it comes to oral sex, thats is something I have always had a really strong negative reaction to thinking about) but being willing to take it and not reciprocate out seems unfair to whoever I'd be with (i've been told it's selfish or rude when i've expressed this to friends), even if me engaging in any sort of sexual activity in the first place would be for their sake (relationships are about compromise and thats a compromise I'd be okay with). That said, I'm not sure a partner out there like that exists and I'm tired of the well meaning bullshit I get from friends being like 'you'll find someone who's gonna love you for you' because no, I haven't and chances are I won't. I'm biromantic, but I experience more attraction to women but still wouldn't really want to have sex with any of them, and considering theres a lot of buzz about how 'lesbian sex is the best sex' because both partners typically consistently and frequently get off, it seems like a bit of a reach to think I could find a girl willing to date me who doesn't want sex. Yes, other asexual folks exist, but considering i don't tend to advertize the fact I'm ace and because I don't dress in a way that could get me clocked as queer, I don't tend to meet a lot (read, any) ace people in my daily life. ANYWAY this is kind of a really in depth plea of me basically asking if there is any resource or literature that can teach me or make me not necessarily DESIRE sex (because I know that can't happen) but mentally become okay with engaging in sex. Like could I, a generally sex repulsed asexual, somehow become a sex favourable asexual through some sort of therapy or other means?

Hi!

Here's the thing, Anon. It's not unfair, selfish or rude to prefer not to reciprocate and/or "take it" during sex. That's just a preference. In fact, in the lesbian community, that's often called being a "stone bottom".

Your friends are in fact incorrect and you should know that having sexual preferences like that are never unfair or rude: you just have to communicate with your partner(s). It's literally fine.

But also, you're talking about being sex repulsed. Sex feels like a chore to you. It's not a good idea to look at sex as a chore you're willing to do for your partner. Especially when sex does make you feel ill often enough it's worth noting.

I'm not saying you can't do it but I am saying if you don't pay attention to your own boundaries, you might just wind up resenting your partner and not being able to tell where your "Hard No's" [As in boundaries that are non-negotiable and that you are not compromising on!!!] are.

It's okay if sex is a Hard No for you, even if it doesn't always make you feel ill. That's your right.

And yes, there is a lot of buzz about lesbian sex being the best. (Which partially has a lot to do with lesbophobia and the cisheteronormative views on lesbian sex "not even being sex".) But that does not mean it's a reach that another girl would want to date you without sex.

It doesn't have to be a girl who doesn't want sex, Anon; there are so many different ways to have sex and ways people enjoy it. For example, there are people who only enjoy masturbation or simply don't mind not having sex with others, especially if it means they can date someone they like.

I genuinely can't help you on finding something that will make you "okay" with engaging in sex and I'm really sorry, Anon.

You could try a sex therapist (they're supposed to be equipped for all manners of issues related to sex) but I don't feel comfortable pointing to any specific therapy methods when a lot of them are based in the idea people are "wrong" in some way for being sex repulsed and they're often hurtful and unhealthy.

But I can say that I'd really recommend joining some online ace communities, specifically with other lesbians/sapphics and talk to some other ace people there. This isn't a you issue, Anon, these are all very common worries that ace people, specifically alloace people have and it might help to talk to other people with similar experiences.

I wish I could help more. Let me know if you have any other questions, Anon. <3

[pumpkinbxtch]

Hello, a request please, from Apollo x Daughter of Poseidon, (I really liked your stories that you wrote about them, and I wanted to see Apollo ask Eros if love is real, I think Apollo has to learn to discover that he has to forgive himself for Jasinto and Dapne, learning what first love is, real love and feeling guilty) 🤔

a vision of you ｡⁠*ﾟ

— apollo x fem!reader

warnings: none a/n: hey, thanks for stopping by this humble blog, I hope you like this. kisses from Saturn. 🩵

Apollo headed towards the entrance and before knocking, he sighed. He was grateful for being a god, or else he knew the pain in his chest would spread throughout his body.

He looked perfect, it was impossible not to, but the sleepless nights were evident in the way he furrowed his brow and clenched his jaw. After a few seconds, he tapped three times on the marble door and it opened. How long had it been since he last entered there? Truth was, he couldn't remember, maybe he had never been there for real.

His steps echoed, and the dim light made him hesitate; he must have been desperate to subject himself to this.

“Apollo”

an omnipresent voice whispered, and an unfamiliar breeze lifted the curls falling on his forehead. The god swallowed hard and stood firm.

— Eros — he said with little enthusiasm. He was the one who had dragged himself there, but he wasn't eager to face what scared him the most.

“Love”

Apollo heard and took a step back realizing that Eros might know the reason for his visit. His legs began to tremble, and he felt a chill run down his spine.

“Does it even exist?” The words resonated strongly, the mockery in Apollo's tone shaking the place, almost shattering his hopes of receiving a positive response. He knew what he was doing, but he didn't care anymore. Would poking fun at the god of love lead to anything more tragic than what he had already endured?

“You'll see…”

A snap echoed, and the sun god fell to his knees in a trance.

And there you were, though Apollo didn't know it yet or know you yet, he could feel the longing to do so at that moment.

Truth be told, he couldn't see you clearly, just your silhouette bathed in the golden sunlight as you apparently swam. Within the vision, he heard echoes of your laughter mingled with others. Among all those meaningless shadows, you were the only one he wanted to see.

With that desire in mind, he reached out towards you, hoping to touch you, to reach you, but it seemed futile. In one last attempt, just as you were about to turn around, Apollo was dragged back to reality. The reality where he had no one, except a god who seemed to toy with his ache of loneliness.

“Not until you open your heart.”

Apollo felt his ichor burning and dug his nails into his palms.

— It's open! It's always open! Can't you see life has been unfair to me? — The god cried on the verge of tears.

A deafening silence filled the room above it, tension lingered, misunderstanding, probably Eros's anger.

“Are you sure, Apollo?” The voice replied, still calm. “You haven't forgiven yourself; that's the truth of your loneliness.”

— I've never chosen to be alone — he squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his cheeks. He tried to stand, but a force knocked him back to the ground again, feeling his heart torn apart, every fiber bleeding, burning. He had never chosen such a fate, but he knew guilt consumed him.

“You're not better with company if you don't forgive yourself, Apollo.”

— Enough — he murmured weakly, tears falling onto the marbled floor, his reflection staring back at him. He sobbed, —Enough.

“The one who decides to end it is you. Do you want to meet her and be happy? Fix your issues, Apollo. Otherwise, you'll make her unhappy, just like all your ex-lovers.”

The pressure in his chest intensified, and he released the first cry.

“Heal yourself, god of healing, and then you'll be able to see me in the eyes again.”

The wind violently dragged him towards the exit as he clung, wanting to stay, wanting to ask, to know.

Apollo abruptly opened his eyes with a racing heart, he turned to the side and found you, asleep.

Your body lay with slow breaths and slightly parted lips, some strands of hair fell on your face, and Apollo gently pushed them aside, leaning in to kiss your cheek.

He wished the dream had only been an illusion, but it was just repetitions of what had once happened. Thankfully, he found his way and opened a path towards you. Apollo found a way to forgive himself and heal; any scars that remained, you soothed them with your sweet presence.

[euniexenoblade]

Ok so Apple released it's 100 Greatest Albums list a while ago and I scoffed at it, but after watching some youtubers whine about it in different ways, I realized I hadn't given it the fairest shake. I haven't listened to every album on it and a lot of stuff I have listened to I haven't listened to in a long while. So, I'm gonna listen to every album featured and decide how I feel about them. And for fun y'all get small quick reviews.

Starting off, here's part one of my reviews.

I decided to start with Adele's 21. Not for any special reason other than it seemed like it might be nice to listen to in the shower. Adele has a great, powerful voice, but the album has two song archetypes that just get repeated. The songs are mostly competent so individually they're fine, but together as an album they make a very boring experience. Also, I recognized Rumor Has It from a commercial or something, I fucking hate that song. Docked extra points for having that song. This album doesn't belong on the list at all to me, and even if we are throwing a bone to the modern 2010s-2020s artists, she definitely doesn't deserve number 15. A ridiculous placement.

I decided to take on Drake's Take Care and hey guys, does Drake make any other songs? Why do they all sound the same? Does he do anything other than sad boy shit? Of the three Drake releases I've now listened to, this one is easily the best one. I didn't hate the experience, for that Drake deserves some kudos. But, I don't think there's anyway to view Drake positively in 2024. Maybe in 2011 this seemed special, but in 2024 I can easily say that this does not deserve to be on this list, let alone at 47. Giving Drake a pity placement is fine, but not in the top 50.

I have never understood the love that Hotel California garners. Like, the song is good, but it's not earth shattering, and the rest of the album is pretty typical rock for the era. There is just so little content that I haven't got much to say, it's competent enough to not be laughably bad, but it's also so run of the mill there's no highlights. Picking it for a list like this is what I'd call a safe option, not a real option.

I'll be frank, I'm not very familiar with Robyn or Body Talk, so maybe I don't have context on how important this album was to the history of the genre or music at large. Though, to my ear, the album bounces between having wonderful dance pop tracks to having some really boring, repetitive tracks. Still, not the worst album here (not even the worst in this post), it's just hard for me to really gauge how deserving it is for this list.

Probably an album with an unfair advantage, I've been listening to RATM since I was a kid. My favorite Rage album is definitely The Battle of Las Angeles, but I'm not dumb enough to say that should be on the list. Still think Evil Empire had greater music and potentially greater reach than the self titled, but this being here isn't bad. Just a shame it's only at 97.

Did enjoy this a quite a bit. However, musically speaking it feels incredibly one note. This belongs in the top 100 albums ever? Did it really have that level of cultural inspiration? I'm not mad at it being included, not even mad it's at 96, but for it to be in a better spot than the self titled RATM album? Incredibly stupid.

Probably a dumb thing to say, but this is what I expected Drake's album to be like? Fun music and fun lyrics about being a sad boy, a lover boy, and being too playful with women. Honestly, the only reason it gets such low ratings is consistently Usher says shit like this

GET IT?! IT'S CONFESSION PART II, SO HE SAYS PART TWO OF MY CONFESSION!! SOOOO CLEVER come on man. Does it belong on the best 100 list? I don't know. Let someone else decide that.

I have no issue with either of this being on the list, being in the 90s, or any real thoughts to give. Burial isn't quite my vibe musically so I got nothing to say, and Solange is great so it's like. It's cool they're there, no thoughts.

I don't have an issue with George Michael being on this list, but this album? I vibe Faith far more.

Flower Boy by Tyler the Creator is absolutely one of my favorite albums. I'd have imagined that Apple would have chosen Igor, since it's the one people universally seem to adore, but I'm happy Flower Boy is getting love. Flower Boy is my favorite from Tyler and it has special meaning in my heart, so any praise the album can get.

Look, if you're picking AC/DC albums to put on a list, then this is probably the correct pick, but why would you put AC/DC on the top 100 Albums of all Time list? I don't even think they'd qualify for the Top 100 Hard Rock Albums from before the 2000s list! Is it cuz of the Iron Man soundtrack? It's gotta be right?

This is probably my most unpopular opinion: Lady Gaga is overrated as hell. I do not understand what people in 2009 saw in these songs and I still don't get it now. Maybe it belongs on this Top 100 Albums List cuz it had some kind of cultural impact, I mean her music was inescapable for a time. But, I don't get it, I wouldn't put it on my list, and Bad Romance is absolutely one of the most annoying pop songs the radio has ever played.

And, to conclude this long ass pointless post, I'll just jump ahead again to end this on an album I enjoy.

I don't get the weird revisionism that happens around Kid A. I do love it to death, but when it came out it was critically hated. It just feels like everyone treats this as the greatest triumph in music, when the only people that have heard it are Radiohead fans and the weird hipster that tries to act smarter than you in music. Oh well, it's Captain America's favorite album so I guess it works.

I guess more of the issue is Radiohead is one of like, three or four artists on this list that gets more than one spot. Why waste a spot on Kid A at 33 when you have Ok Computer at 12, let some other unnamed artist be on the list instead.

Neither Kid A or OK Computer are my favorite Radiohead albums, but hey, I like Kid A. It's one of four albums I listen to when trying to fall asleep at night, so it's nice to see mentioned I guess.

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/756144486537674752/httpsxcomkattkerstatus1812896385169301602-th?source=share

I know things have moved on but wanted to come back and just say that I submitted this not about the travel show or anything in particular. I didn't see any particular tie in the thread but perhaps I missed it.

I also never intended it to be an indictment on how someone should act their age. Wanting them to have freedom to mature as they choose doesn't mean I'm saying they shouldn't be silly.

I was thinking about this more about how they are trying to function within the same public/fan expectations placed on teenagers (which I think are unfair as well). I was thinking about the Seven era live JK did where he tried to talk about being loved and doing this job and not being able to have everything he wants. I still see posts complimenting Yoongi for not even looking in the direction of female dancers during practice.

I think all of them are figuring out how to advance into the next phase of their careers individually in different ways and to varying degrees of success. It will be interesting to see how this works as a group. But I remain unconvinced that BH will do/change anything as long as it's profitable and that is both harmful and limiting in the immediate and ultimately short sighted.

Hi anon!

Huh, I no longer understand why I though this was about the travel show.. perhaps because we were in the midst of the introduction video dropping.

Anyways, thanks for clarifying.. I did miss what you meant and went on a rant about ageism 😂

Jk has spoken on how he's an adult and how he wants people to see him like one. He understands that people will have this image of him as the maknea, but he is grown up now. So I do think this has been a bit of an issue (not so much for the hyung line maybe, they were already seen as adults I think).

I think this all kind of comes back to the freedom to be more honest we were talking recently. I think all of them have things they might want to talk about, or want to write songs about. Hybe (and other companies) put their idols in such narrow boxes, that it's hard for them to just.. be, I think. I think we are at a moment in time right now, where we are going to see whether they do get more space to be themselves. I find it hard to decide what the deal is right now, because we haven't seen the members together as a group for a while.. and not since they resigned their contracts (which might include more freedom).

I now understand your Taennie comment more I think? Taennie was a very childish view of a relationship. Similar jewelry, a walk in the park hand in hand.. bingo. I think it will be a big deal if any member wants to go public with a relationship. I've been feeling that perhaps we might be getting close to getting a confirmation if any of them have a relationship that is serious enough. They are grown men. Fandom and company should treat them as such.

[another-lost-mc]

hihihi!!! before i get into this, i just wanna say that i cant express enough how much i absolutely LOVE your writing, like… soo much!! your oc’s, too, your whole blog actually! makes me happy when i come home and see that you’ve posted. 😭😭 especially when i’ve had a long day haha - but anywho, i remember i read some of your hcs about one of your oc’s as dads, and it kind of made me wonder what they’d be like if their child “brought somebody home”. would they be the type who’s like super overprotective of their child and already being wary of said person, or would they be welcoming and willing to see where it goes? 🤔

AHHHHHHHHHHHH you are so sweet, thank you! I'm glad you like my writing and my OCs. 👉🏻👈🏻

I had to re-read the dad headcanons (for Karasu and Azra) since it's been a while. I haven't written anything for Zee yet. But meeting their kids' significant other for the first time? OH BOY.

Zee is the most chill of the three demon OCs, at least on the outside. He tries to be welcoming, but his neutral expression is still stern and a bit intimidating. Plus, anyone in the Devildom has probably some idea of who he is and who he works for by now - it's a scary reputation to have. From his perspective, it's hard enough watching his little pup grow up and he has to curb a lot of his possessive impulses not to scare away their potential mates out of his own fear of something bad happening. Once he gets to know them, he's more friendly and laidback. He would prefer to meet them at the family home - he's most comfortable there and he can get a better sense of who they are (and if they're hiding something). He won't be in his demon form at all, unless his pup is determined to date an angel of all creatures.

Karasu is solidly in the middle. He makes an effort to be welcoming, but he's very protective of his chick (and his mate, and their nest) so it takes him longer to warm up to the idea. He will insist on the first meeting happen somewhere that's not the nest - probably an informal dinner in town. Of course, he does a thorough background check to make sure there's nothing concerning or suspicious. If they make a good impression and win him over, he's much easier to get along with. He's not opposed to inviting others to join his family, but he's cautious about who gets that privilege from him. He's a bit agitated meeting them at first, so his wings might be out so he can brush his feathers against his mate or chick if he gets anxious and needs soothing.

Azra is the worst parent for this out of the three. He was a bit of a scoundrel before he settled down so he knows what the worst sort of demons (or humans, or angels, frankly) are capable of. He won't take chances and insist that Zee do some research and surveillance on whoever it is. Even though he's mellowed out business-wise, he still has a reputation that's hard to shake and that can be good or bad. It's easy for him to use his power and wealth and influence to intimidate someone. He spends a lot of time sulking in his office and complaining to Zee about how unfair it is that his kid had to grow up at all. Before his kid's date comes over to their house for their first meeting, he'll decide its a convenient time to display his collection of ancient weaponry - knives and swords, mostly. His full demon form is on display too, wiry tail and fangs and all. If they can last a very tense and scary dinner with him at his worst, then maybe they have a chance.

One thing to note about Azra is that he's protective of his own family, but he's also the "fun uncle" to Zee's family as well. He can't help feeling protective of them. He's more anxious about Zee's kid dating than Zee is himself.

[kanene-yaaay]

Chasing Laughter

Kanene's Notes: Heyaa! Gosh, it's been a long time since I've been able to write and finish AND post a fic. But! I've got a new fandom >:D uytredrtyuidfg So, at first I didn't know a lot about Fit but GOSH, now he is one of my faves. Like, a guy that is trapped in a experiment controlled by a gigantic force that is not above torturing, experimenting and doing awful thing just to keep the control and yet this is the happier he had ever been? Because he has a wonderful son and friends? Because here, different from the world filled with war he came before, he at least knows a bit of peace? And he would do anything to still have this love, happiness and family he found? B r u h I am on the FLOOR Although, I still haven't watched a LOT of him so probably this is kind of OOC but yeah it is what it is dfghujuygtfrftgy

Warnings: None. This is pure flluff and plyaful tickles. Ticklish!Ramón and Ler!Fit. Around 1.000 words. General warning: this is a tickle fic

[~*~]

Ramón took off running.

It felt almost natural, now. He learned to run for his life a long time ago, nowadays being able to deal much better with all the thoughts his mind had to attend to. Where he should step, when he should keep going or try to hide, how far was his pursuer, what could he do to get just a few more seconds before help came…��

At first, it wasn’t supposed to be a game, running away from someone more than often isn’t in his daily life. Not with the place that they lived. The island.

But, well… 

The wind ruffled his hair and the adrenaline raced in his veins, heartbeat going in sync with his footsteps, painting in firm strokes and nimble steps determination in every turn and dodge. The voice that followed him on his path only served as a reminder that it was just a fun chase.

It was hard to not have fun when his father was involved. 

“Ramooon, where are you? You can’t run forever, my baby boy.”

All of this was Dapper’s fault, really. He was a menace and immature and the one who didn’t know when to admit that he had lost the wrestling match and so decided to change to cheating so he could win. And no. It didn’t matter that technically Ramón had also cheated by sneaking up behind his twin and starting the play fight when the other was busy building. That is not cheating. This is being tactical and having a strategy . Cheating is resorting to unfair methods like throwing all your weapons and tools to the ground, shoving your hands under the enemy’s chestplate and squeezing their sides non stop.

Tickling isn’t even allowed in a real fight! Dapper doesn’t even expect the big storm that is coming to him, Ramón also has a lot of a very kind of giggly, tickly blackmail about his brother that he is more than happy to share with his uncle Bad.

He just needed to survive this chase first.

With the potato gun in his hand he turned around, firing. None of them hit the target, it was hard when both of them were moving so fast and inconsistently, full of zig zags, circles and jumps on the usual irregular soil.

“Ops, almost got me there, Ramon, but you can’t escape your father.”

Ramón almost laughed, almost cursed and almost tried to shoot another round of potatoes on his dad for being so embarrassing.

“You know I will always find you. Come here, my boy!”

In the end, he ended up stumbling.

His body didn’t even had the chance to fall on the grass before two hands, warm and kind. larger than life, full of scars that contained brave stories and strong enough to hold him dangling in the air in what his Tío Foolish liked to call the “Air Prison”, got him from behind.

“Oh! Oh!! I got you, I got youuuu, my beautiful, beautiful baby boy! Look what I have right in my hands, a cute little sneaker who thought that he could outrun his old man, huh? You love to see it.”

Ramón struggled on the hold, kicking and feeling his cheeks light up in flames at his father’s usual baby voice, trying to ignore with his entire might all the giggles crawling up his throat and the gigantic smile that fought to take over his mouth. 

He was NOT going to lose this time! No matter how much embarrassing praises and unfair baby voices his own father attempted to pull against him, he would keep himself strong and simply not break!

(He always did. No matter how long they’ve played this game of hide and seek and chase, or how often his father’s eyes glinted in pure happiness when he saw him awake or even how the pride took over his words and gestures every time Ramón showed him his newer project. Everyday Ramon tried to keep his composure, his mature self in front of him as a shield and a preparation. Yet,  every single day his dad came and let him act and feel like he was… like he could be just a child in front of him.)

All his thoughts came to a halt and got scrambled when suddenly he was thrown upwards and spun in the air, no time to get the grappling hook to escape the situation before Fit caught him again, now with both of them being able to face each other. 

His father’s grin was as mischievous as big. Ramón huffed and squinted at him and did not pout at his destiny. 

A couple of fingers sneaking under his armpits and digging there quickly made his grumpy demeanor melt in a loud squeak.

"Ohoho, what is this? Is that a smile that I am seeing right there? A big, bright and starry five stars smile, indeed."

Ramón shook his head, entire body shaking with the struggle of keeping the laughter inside. His hands attempted to push his father's hold away, but it would be much easier to try to move a mountain. 

The fingers began crawling downwards, giving each rib a few quick, nimble scribble before focusing entirely on squeezing his sides, not being even slightly discouraged by the smaller’s tactic of trying to become a defensive ball, a couple of quiet yelps escaping when the scratching found a sweet spot right where his sides and ribs connected.

"I think someone's barrier is about to crack.~" Fit playful taunted.

A couple of giggles ran away without permission from his mouth, his smile growing from one ear to another as each tickle seemed to send a tingly, funny kind of adrenaline in his veins.

It took only single scribble on his stomach for everything, every squeal, giggly snort, squeaky wheeze and crackling to come trembling down from his mouth, filling the air with a loud, energetic laughter and a quiet, amused chuckle that danced together amidst the wind and the trees.

For a few moments that was all that existed, the silly, playful, tickly moment and genuine laughter. It lasted a couple of minutes before Fit decided they both already had their fun and that Ramón could use some of benefits of taking big, uninterrupted gulps of air.

"Okay, okay, enough. I don't want to take it too far." His father's movements weren't exactly gentle , still roughed in the edges by the life he had before the island, but he was the most careful as he let him on the ground and discreet enough to not snicker too loud when Ramón wobbled a bit on the same spot, left over sniggers still escaping and making his nose scrunch up. "Are you alright, Ramón?"

The kid just quietly wiped the beginnings of tears that formed in the corner of his eyes before, in a flash, grabbing his sword and quickly hitting his dad with a clear swing before jumping away.

"Wh- wha- what! Hey!" His voice was the perfect mix of amused and exasperated. Not a single drop of regret in it as the flames danced on his armor, barely even affecting him. "Now, come on…"

He stepped closer to the smaller one, only for Ramón to jump away once more and pull his spyglass, squinting at him in a clear show of protest.

(Of course both realized how the corner of his mouth was still up in a remain of a happy smile, how the swing was totally non harmful and how he would never, ever, truly run away from his father.)

"OK, OK, you're right, that was unfair of me." Ramón slightly bent his knees, hand still close to his sword, waiting for more. "What if we go clear that dungeon you mentioned earlier? Think you could forgive me then?"

The kid quickly put away his spyglass, stepping closer and nodding pleased. His father was smart. He knew he would stop being silly and see the reason, eventually.

Fit watched as his kid led the way, a pep on his step and a joyful hum in the tip of his tongue. His chest filled with warmth, realizing (not for the first or last time) how lucky he was to have all of this in his life.

He will do anything to keep this happiness, to keep them, alive.

[~*~]

Ramón may or may not strategically try to get his revenge in the future in front of a very curious and mischievous Brazilian (Pac really needed a Second to Breath when he heard Fit giggling for the first time, and, really, how could he just NOT help his sobrinho, ya know?) and ever since their life (and bit by bit the life of everyone in the island because rumors fly like crazy and not a single one in there isn't prone to some mischief) got filled with much more laughter and sillyness Just wanted to write some light-hearted fun

[ceasarslegion]

So FNV is my fav right not a hot take but I am curious about your takes on the other games? Personally I don’t think the Bethesda games deserve as much hate as they get, like Fo76 is fun for the gameplay and the way they designed the environment and 4 is like a fun camp action movie to me in a way I can’t explain. And admittedly haven’t given 3 a full college try, it feels too restrictive in its narrative for me to enjoy even though 4 is similar in its approach, maybe it’s the extra faction options in 4? Idk

The bethesda games dont deserve the hate they get at all, ive noticed that this trend is completely self-serving and often done by people who haven't even played them all the way through.

Fallout 3 was my first fallout game, and it's my favourite fallout game. Saying that is often enough to have at least 3 people jump down my throat about how shitty they think it is both story-wise and mechanically, often while forgetting that fo3 was the first 3D fallout game and was bound to have some amount of the frontrunner curse: it was the one they made all the mistakes on. This doesn't make it a bad game, it makes it the first one. And in my opinion, I love the story of it. I feel that every single fallout game gets compared to FNV retroactively and then folks don't even give any others a try.

Another thing I've noticed is that the fallout fandom tends to be plagued with the fallout equivalent of genwunners, except that the same criticisms they tear down every bethesda game for are even more prevalent in the interplay games. Not "enough" endings, mechanical issues, etc.

And my take that people really didnt and continue to not like me for regarding besthesda is that bethesda has owned fallout for much much longer than anybody else has at this point. They've made the most installments, contributed all of the lore after the base was established in the 90s, and are the reason the franchise still even exists. Bethesda does not "misunderstand" fallout because you cant misunderstand your own book that you're writing yourself. It's their thing at this point whether the fandom likes it or not. FNV was a spinoff, and obsidian were really not these darling saviors to the lore that theyre presented to be, theyre just any other game studio that made a publishing deal with a different one. And the just... CONSTANT barrage of hate and vitriol towards bethesda feels so unnecessary and self-serving at this point. There's no diversity of opinion in the wider fandom because if you do like the bethesda properties you're treated like some intellectual traitor, which is a red flag to me.

In my opinion, the fallout "fandom" on tumblr doesnt even like fallout. Anything that's not FNV gets crickets of engagement and if its bethesda then its treated like some cardinal sin to have anything positive to say about it without a bunch of caveats attached about how bad it is. And don't even get me started on the utter meltdown there was about one frame of the fallout show because they didn't like what ending bethesda just teased FNV to have had. Any other game fandom would be overjoyed at having a professionally produced show at all, but from the moment it was announced to the moment it finally aired it was NOTHING but criticism and negativity, even before it aired. It's no wonder that bethesda doesn't consider this "fandom" worth listening to when they decide in advance that nothing they make will ever be good enough.

Sorry... this turned into a bit of a bitter rant about the reasons why i left the fallout fandom entirely. I grew up on fo3 and i loved fo4 just as much as any other fallout game, and im loving the show so far (im on episode 5). I love the franchise as a whole, which makes it very hard to engage in anything the fandom does anymore. I like FNV just as much, but i find it hard to engage in anymore because of the constant attitude i got from its fans about the ones i like, especially fo3. Which i know is unfair to it, but i just can not mentally decouple it from that vitriol very well anymore, which is a shame.

And i just... i dont want to hear how much everybody hates the things i love in the same place that claims to be superfans of the franchise in the first place.

Again, sorry. This wasn't your question, and I dont mean to sound like im yelling at you specifically, im really not. I think ive just been a little too consistently hurt by the attitude in the fallout "fandom" to be able to talk about it without bringing it up anymore. I legitimately had some of the most negative and toxic fandom experiences of my life in that community, all because my favourite fallout game wasnt the only one deemed acceptable.

[miniwolfie]

Author's Note: This is actually my cousin and I if she was dating Rin and I was dating Kaiser. English is not my first language.

c/n = cousin's name, y/n = your name

words = 2.5k

I actually don't know anything about france or paris, never been there, so if something doesn't make sense or is a bit stereotypical just chalk it up to: it's a fanfic

contains: a little swearing and being lost in paris

Rin and Kaiser together were... interesting, to say the least.

They never really talked, only said hi sometimes, even if they are both soccer players. They have seen each other multiple times, they were by no means strangers, but the thing that really brought them together, was funnily enough, another trip to some foreign country.

Ok, it wasn't just some foreign country. It was France and specifically Paris. They have been there multiple times with their teams for soccer games, but never really explored the capital other than the shitty tours by shitty tour guides who were just after their money.

This was their first time traveling as a group, specifically with their loved ones.

Still find it strange how they ended up together? Well, Rin and Kaiser haven't seen each other only in professional terms.

Their partners are cousins. And to top it of, best friends.

c/n and y/n. The second one is me, hello world! I'm Kaisers girlfriend, how he managed to bag a 10 like me is still a mystery to this day.

Actually it's no mystery at all. He is blonde, tall, the sweetest eye candy I've ever seen and makes at least 2 million a year. You think I'm letting him go after I see that bank account?

As for c/n, how she managed to get with Rin, now THAT is a mystery, and a story for another time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, when c/n and I were spending time together and our boyfriends had to see each other, they only exchanged smiles and hellos. Sure, there were some times where even those didn't exist, but they could survive next to each other.

Truth be told I am a 100% certain they only did it so we wouldn't be sad. And that's adorable, but moving on!

So Paris. I remember c/n kept bugging Rin about how she really wanted to go there so she could be a "French girl" and get those "coquette hats". She even tried to learn French for a little while, but that didn't last. When she learnt that the word egg in French is eof, which is pronounced oof, she laughed so hard the whole house could hear her. Problem was, it was 3 am, the night before a big game for Rin. She then proceeded to go on roblox, try to be a "French girl" but she got banned for bullying.

French was out the window after that one, Rin needed to actually buy her a phone after she threw it out the window, but her dream of going to France wasn't.

As she kept talking about going to France day after day, weeks on end, I started wanting it too. I like to travel, but because of work I couldn't really spontaneously do so. Kaiser tried to comfort me, and by that I mean laugh and make fun of France saying "You don't have me in France" and "France is just a downgrade of Germany", but after he said "I've been there multiple times, it's nothing special." I snapped. Well not really, I didn't start yelling or throwing things around, that would have been a waste of money no matter how much we have of it, but I laid my head on the counter and said "I wouldn't know, I've never really been anywhere."

Kaiser proceeded to buy tickets for a flight due in twelve hours.

When he told me, I immediately called c/n and told her about it. Rin overheard and said he would buy tickets for the next flight, which was in two days. C/n convinced him to buy tickets for the flight in twelve hours, and by convince I mean started crying and saying how unfair it was that I would be in France for two days longer than her.

Those twelve hours were easily one of the most stressful moments in my life. I remember packing a suitcase and having Kaiser say "You know I'm rich enough to buy you a whole house in France right? I'll buy everything we're missing there." to which I threw him one of my dirtiest looks and replied "that is a waste of money."

Kaiser and Rin had travelled enough to know what they actually needed, so it wasn't difficult for them to pack a suitcase. C/n on the other hand was so unable to pack a suitcase on her own that Rin had to pack one for her. He still had to buy her a toothbrush though, mostly because she wanted to wake up and feel "the taste of France" when brushing her teeth.

Safe to say Rin was not impressed.

After boarding the flight and lecturing Kaiser about how much of a bad idea this actually was, the flight wasn't bad. Kaiser kept smirking at me and telling me "I know you are secretly happy so your welcome" and Rin was organising a plan so we could make the most of the trip. C/n kept talking to random strangers, so the flight was fairly normal.

Of course I was ecstatic about going to France, even if I didn't outright admit it. Lord only knows how much Kaiser would have rubbed it in my face.

But anyway, when we reached France it was around 2 am. Safe to say I was dead tired, since there was a baby on board who wouldn't stop screaming. Kaiser was ready to murder the thing, but instead chose to give me his headphones and rub circles in my hand, which was oddly sweet and almost put me to sleep. Didn't work though since we were actually mere minutes before landing.

Rin had called one of the hotels their teams used when they were playing in France, and the owner was ecstatic to meet the partners of two world class players. I'm sure it wasn't too charming of us to walk in tired and delirious from lack of sleep, but hey, the beds were very comfortable and I slept like a log.

The next day rolls and I still had no idea what we would be doing. When I asked Kaiser how long he had intended the trip to be he just shrugged and said "Tired already? I told you France was boring." to which I didn't reply. He knew very well that the reason I was tired was because he found it to be an excellent idea to book literally the next flight.

But alas we went down to breakfast, found Rin and c/n eating and started talking about it. More so Rin and I because Kaiser and c/n were more interested in the food and actually gaining energy for the day.

Rin told me a week would be ideal. It wasn't too long but definitely not short either. He asked me what I was feeling up to and how much energy I could actually spend the first day, since rin and I's energy levels were the key factor in the first day. Kaiser and c/n were very capable of doing whatever we were feeling up to so I just told him we could walk around and shop, nothing too crazy.

In that moment I underestimated two things. C/n and myself.

Like I said, Rin and Kaiser had travelled quite a lot, meaning being in a foreign country was nothing new to them. C/n on the other hand had never been anywhere else, meaning her excitement levels were off the charts.

Paris was always full of people no matter the time of the day, especially around the shop areas. So when she saw something she deemed "coquette" she pulled me and ran in there so fast we lost both of our boyfriends.

Under normal circumstances that wouldn't have been a problem. C/n and I often separated from the group, but we could always call or run into them a while later.

This was not the case now. When c/n had had enough of that shop, I went to grab my phone from my bag so I could call Kaiser or Rin. Instead I found nothing but air and came to the horrible conclusion that Kaiser had my bag safely tucked on his shoulder. Once I calmed my nerves I looked over at c/n and asked if she had her phone on her. She nodded, reached in her pocket and tried to open it but doom impended.

0%.

Having no reaction, she reached in her phone case and pulled a 10 dollar bill, giving me a bright smile.

I don't know how I didn't slap her.

I calmly explained our situation to her. We were in a foreign country in which we didn't know the language, with no phones and with a ten dollar bill. To which her reply was "And? I don't see your point."

I took a deep breath and thought we could go back to the hotel. I was so sleep deprived the day before, the hotel's name had went completely over my head. I knew there was no chance in hell c/n remembered, so I thought it to be a very good idea to go back and wait for Rin and Kaiser.

This was when I underestimated or maybe overestimated my abilities of direction.

I think I'm an organised person generally, I have my shit together to say the least. I have a lot of good qualities, but the few bad ones I have make up for the lack of them. I am so bad in directing myself that it's not even funny. I can't go anywhere without a gps, and even if I have a gps I might still end up going the wrong way.

Being with Kaiser had made me forget about that little fact. He has a very good sense of direction, almost annoyingly so. In the few times we have gotten lost, strangely enough the times I have the gps, he has always led us to where we were supposed to be. I'm very sure he does it on purpose, the smirk he has when he gives me the gps is very telling.

So yea, I think its very obvious what happened when we tried to go back on our own.

I'm going to spare you the details of how c/n managed to spend a whole 10 dollar bill on lollipops.

It was now late afternoon and we were both exhausted. Even c/n was running on empty since the only thing we could eat or drink were samples. We were really out there pretending to be some foreign food critics just so we could get a little food.

Aside from some places treating us well under the false pretense that we were food critics, people didn't talk to us. At all.

It's so crazy how people believe they are all that when someone doesn't know their language. So what if I don't know French, learn some english you stupid bitch. We live in the 21th century, how close minded can you be?

Anyway, having that be the case, we couldn't even describe the hotel to someone. So having no phones, no way to find them and no money, i opted for the next best solution.

Go to the Eiffel tower.

It was the only thing I could do okay? Since we were completely lost, we could at least go to the main attraction, which I at least knew were it was. How? We could see it from the entirety of Paris.

It was still very difficult going there. Unfortunately there was no road which straight up lead to it, so we had to take a lot of detours. Someone even tried to sell us some stupid baguettes and berets, which c/n desperately wanted to stick around for, but with no money and no food to fuel my patience, I grabbed her hand and started walking away.

I was tired, hungry and quite honestly missed Kaiser. I was probably just delirious but the annoying smirk and cockiness he had didn't seem all that annoying. Just for that moment though!

So finally, after two hours of constant turning and walking, we had reached the Eiffel Tower.

At it's glory, c/n stated "That is such a nice place to jump off from." to which I replied "Dazai would have loved it."

And we both started laughing. Hysterically.

Truly it was such a bad joke, but the whole situation was just hilarious. Here we were, in Paris, having absolutely nothing and starving, having finished those lollipops hours before.

C/n then started crying, yelling Rin's name and saying a bunch of miss you's and where are you's.

Even I wanted to start crying. But then I saw them.

Rin and Kaiser, relief completely washing over their faces.

To be honest, I don't remember a whole lot after that. Later when I asked Kaiser and Rin about it, they gave completely different explanations, some more theatrical by the other, I'm sure you can guess whose, but I can chalk it up to this.

After they lost us they both started frantically looking for us, going from shop to shop. I find it strange how they missed us but it was probably just bad timing. When they weren't able to find us, having realised Kaiser had my phone and c/n's was out of battery, they decided to go to the Eiffel Tower. When I asked them how they were so sure we would be there Kaiser said "I knew you wouldn't be able to find the hotel and so I went somewhere I knew you would find. I still had my doubts, but I trusted that the Eiffel Tower was large enough for you to see." Rin said "it just made the most sense, the Eiffel Tower is very French so I'm sure c/n would have liked to see it."

Annoyed at Kaiser's response and happy at Rin's, they continued and told me what happened when they found us. Kaiser told me I ran in his hands crying, saying how much I missed him. But Rin told me that's what c/n did when she saw him. He said Kaiser was worried sick, constantly bugging him about how much he loves and cherishes me. When he saw me he hugged me very tightly and Rin swore he was on the verge of tears. He did tell me that I said "Kaiser... I'm hungry..." to which Kaiser got me a savory pastry, never letting me leave his hands. He also told me I teared up when I bit into it, which I can absolutely believe.

The rest of the trip definitely went a lot smoother. When c/n even insinuated that she would leave, Rin would hold her arm very tightly so she wouldn't. He even got a power bank and forced her to keep her phone charged at all times. Kaiser made sure I had money on me at all times, even slipping a hundred dollar bills in every pocket he could find. We agreed that if something similar happened, we would meet up at the Eiffel Tower, which embarrassingly enough, happened at least four more times.

After the trip Rin and Kaiser still didn't really talk to each other, but they did exchange phone numbers and texted each other once every few days. Kaiser didn't outright tell me, I had to catch him in the act, but it made me happy so I didn't tease him. Well, at least not a lot.

Hope you enjoyed!

[that-ineffable-devil]

Rainbow in the Dark | Prologue & Chapter 1

Follow on AO3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Author's Note: I haven't written creatively in over 10 years and I was a different person then, so I hope this isn't completely terrible. Chapters will alternate between characters' POVs, but will stick mostly with Eddie and Steve. There will be smut, but it'll be a while--I'll be sure to leave a note on those particular chapters...for science. All readers, likes, comments, and shares are deeply appreciated!

Fic Summary: An exploration into our favorite disaster-dorks, what makes them tick, why they are who they are, and how they fall head over heels for each other. We'll dive into their early parental relationships and then likely skip to S4 to add some "missing scenes" and motivations. There will be angst, but there will be a happy ending, because our boys deserve happy and soft and smutty things.

Prologue

Every child’s first lesson is in what not to do. Don’t touch the stove when it’s hot. Don’t run into the street. Don’t hold your cup that way. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Most of these lessons are given with love, with the safety of the child in mind. Touching a hot stove burns you; a car may run into you on the street; you may spill your drink on yourself if you mishandle your cup.

But not all lessons are taught out of love. Some come from a darker, less kind place.

Chapter One: The Punching Bag

Eddie’s first lesson was simple: “Don’t be yourself.”

Don’t fidget—even if your body feels like it will combust if you don’t move. Don’t speak—unless an adult asks you a direct question. Don’t make noise—even if it brings you solace. Don’t exist unless we want you to, and only how we want you to.

Eddie’s father was his first teacher, and he never let Eddie forget that there was something fundamentally flawed in him. Deficient. Unworthy. He truly tried to follow his father’s instruction, but he struggled to identify when behaviors were good or bad—especially when it could depend on specific circumstances.

For example, speaking to his father without being asked a question was bad behavior, and resulted in punishment. But if his father asked a question he didn’t actually want Eddie to answer, and he did—more punishment. It could even be a question he’d asked and wanted an answer to before. It wasn’t until he started school that he learned there was more to language than the words people spoke.

Social cues and body language were a mystery to him, though he eventually started picking it up out of self-preservation. And then he was expected to decode the tone of voice a person was using. Why couldn’t people just say what they meant, instead of expecting him to recognize and interpret this secret code no one had ever taught him? It was hard enough for him to process words as they were spoken, why did he have to devote so much energy into picking up things said without words? Most people—including his father—were fluent in these coded messages. When Eddie asked his father to help him understand them, he learned another lesson—do not, under any circumstances, ask that man for help.

Another of his father’s lessons was that “children should be seen and not heard;” he said it often when Eddie was being punished for speaking out of turn. Through experience, he learned that sometimes he shouldn’t even be seen—even if his father specifically called his name. But if his father expected him to be somewhere and he wasn’t—also unacceptable. Eddie often wondered how anyone could do anything while navigating this absolute minefield of expectations. It seemed unfair—impossible, even.

Eddie’s mother taught him something as well—people leave. Even the ones that are supposed to love you. He didn’t have any real memories of her—just flashes of dark curly hair and warm smiles—but his father often acted as though it were Eddie’s fault she had gone. Eddie couldn’t even defend himself since he didn’t even remember her leaving—only her absence in his life.

So, Eddie reasoned, it must be his fault. She had been with his father until he came along, so he must have driven her away somehow. He would cry late at night, remembering every mistake he’d ever made, trying to tally up all the reasons his mother couldn’t love him enough to stay.

But crying, it turned out, was yet another bad behavior. Tears resulted in harsh punishment, and the more he cried, the longer it lasted. His father told him that it was the only way to “fix” him—that he wouldn’t have a “queer” in his house. In an act that Eddie could only describe as desperate stupidity, he once asked once what he meant by “queer.” The resulting punishment convinced him he didn’t need to know. Eventually, Eddie stopped crying altogether.

School wasn’t much better than home for Eddie. He often felt that everyone else had met and become friends before he came along, making him the unwelcome outsider. He was wary and reserved—unable to hide the unnervingly haunted look behind his brown eyes. He couldn’t understand how all the other kids got away with being so loud and disrespectful, how the teachers would give only a mild tut when notes passed hands and giggles went unstifled. This world was alien to him, and he was alien to it.

Though he was typically quiet, his teachers often reprimanded him for his “lack of focus,” and removed points from his grades if he doodled in the margins of his papers. He’d tried to explain that the doodles helped him listen, but no one believed him. After one too many altercations with his father over his poor grades, he stopped doodling, but then he found it too difficult to pay attention with still hands.

He started drumming his fingers to the beat of whatever song came to mind during class, which somehow helped sharpen his focus, but his teachers found that disruptive as well. He was sent to the principal’s office for “class misconduct” and “distracting behavior.”

Eddie nodded along with the principal; his eyes unfocused with the effort of preventing the tears threatening to well up. Why was everything so difficult for him? What was wrong with him? What would his father do when he found out he’d been sent to the principal? Well, he knew the answer to that one.

Eventually, he withdrew into himself during class, wrapping his arms around his torso to prevent any inadvertent movement from drawing a teacher’s ire. Forcing his eyes to follow the teachers as they lectured, he would play music in his head until given an assignment to complete. It seemed to work, since he was no longer sent out of class and his teachers left him alone, but it left him vulnerable when called on unexpectedly. It was the best he could muster.

The other students weren’t any kinder. Though he tried to ignore it, he knew they whispered about him behind his back. They snickered at his ill-fitting clothing, his beat-up backpack, his nearly-bald buzzcut performed at home by unskilled hands. His father wouldn’t shell out his hard-earned money for Eddie to get “some girly-boy haircut” by a professional. Eddie just thought if the kids would take a moment to get to know him, maybe they’d stop talking about him and talk to him instead. Maybe they’d even become friends.

But making friends didn’t come easy to Eddie. Any time he tried, the girls would either ignore him or talk loudly about him as if he weren’t there, and the boys hurled words so sharp and pointed, they felt like stinging barbs hooking into his flesh. Sometimes, they’d trip him on the playground or throw rocks at him from afar. But he kept trying, hoping someone would see him, and not the stories everyone told about him.

One fateful day, he approached a group of boys from the school’s peewee football league as they stood in a loose circle beside the main building. They weren’t wearing their uniforms, but Eddie recognized their ringleader—taller and bulkier than the rest, as though he grew twice as fast. Eddie tried to join in as they burst into laughter at something one of them said, but the laughter died as suddenly as it had erupted—the group staring blankly at him.

“Hey freak, who invited a fag like you to the conversation?” the ringleader asked.

“Oh…uh,” Eddie spluttered, “n…no one invited me, I just…I thought that was a funny joke…a…and…”

“Oh, you did, huh?”

The boy’s toothy grin was so sharp, Eddie imagined his teeth as tiny daggers preparing to shred him to ribbons.

“Want to see something else funny?”

Eddie’s ears burned as he felt the air grow hot, the tension rising rapidly among the group. Several of them flicked their eyes at each other, all adopting the same sharp grin, while two glanced furtively outside the group, looking for any watchful adults. There were none.

Eddie hesitated, slowly lifting his heel as he prepared to back away. “N…” he started, but before he could finish the word, one of them had kicked his legs out from under him, sending him face first into the hard cement.

Without hesitation, the entire pack dove in to claim their pound of flesh. Though every instinct in him told him to cry out, only a few grunts escaped him as a dozen fists and feet slammed into his stomach and back, already flowered with unseen purple and blue bruising from home. He tried to keep his face covered, knowing that he’d face far worse at home if his father found out he’d lost a fight. Not that this is a fight, he thought. It’s an execution.

He didn’t know how long he'd been on the ground when he heard something big crack heavily into bone before one of his tormentors joined him on the ground with a loud thud. He slowly realized the attacks against him had stopped, too. Eyes bleary with unshed tears and his breath hitched and pained, Eddie dared to uncover his face to look at the scene above.

Another group of boys had seemingly come to his rescue, menacingly brandishing wooden bats, switchblades, and what Eddie thought looked like a tire iron. His tormentors fled, leaving their fallen comrade to his fate. No loyalty amongst jocks, he thought idly as he watched them run. The boy with the tire iron bent over Eddie, his amber eyes alive with concern.

“Are you all right? Can you get up?” the boy said quietly while holding out his hand.

Eddie’s eyes traced down the boy’s arm to his open hand, blinking slowly.

“B…both good questions,” he murmured, holding one hand to his aching head and wincing when his sides screamed as he started to sit up. “But I think the answer to both is yes,” he continued before grasping the hand of the other boy.

“I’m Luke,” the boy said.

His long, dark hair hung like a curtain over the left side of his face, a kind smile warming his otherwise pale features. He gently pulled Eddie to his feet.

“I’m…Eddie,” he replied, staring stoically at the ground, still fighting the threat of tears and not wanting to appear even weaker in front of the other boys. “I…thank you…but…why?”

Luke chuckled a bit, causing Eddie to look up at his now bittersweet smile—like the sun on a cloudy day.

“Us freaks have got to stick together, right?”

Eddie huffed a small laugh and nodded—immediately regretting it as his head rang with the movement. After that day, Eddie was never completely alone. The boys were inseparable—if you spotted one, it was likely at least two more were somewhere nearby. These were his people, his freaks, and he’d never been more thankful for a beatdown in his life.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Post Notes: Poor Eddie--he deserves so much better. It'll get better before it gets worse, then better again. This is Eddie we're talking about--dude is on an unending rollercoaster he didn't volunteer for but ended up riding anyway.

I know this Eddie seems far too reserved and quiet for our boy, but give him a chance to experience his first taste of freedom in Hawkins--where, for once, someone just lets him be.

Chapter 2 Preview: The "picture-perfect" Harringtons are anything but, with a father who sees his son as a means to an end, a mother who has long forgotten what it's like to give comfort or be comforted, and a son who just wants his parents to love him. Despite his best efforts, Steve Harrington can't seem to live up to his father's exceedingly high standards. He struggles with his schoolwork and reading, but at least he has sports--and his best friend, Tommy Hagan.

But when Steve needs help with a literature assignment, he finds help in the unlikeliest of people.

Thank you to all readers who have made it this far! Likes, comments, and shares are deeply appreciated! I, like Steve, am heavily motivated by praise.

Credits

Bat dividers courtesy of StrayWords.

Fic title courtesy of Rainbow in the Dark by Dio.

[yorozuyaxxangelsxxicons]

Gintama Sentence Starters: Serious Edition

Gintoki: "Sake sure is nice. You can forget all your troubles, if only for a moment. You'll have to remember them tomorrow, though. You can't run away from things like this. Especially... especially from the things you really want to forget." "Don't run away! You yourself have to change first, or nothing will change for you! You can't just run away, especially from the things you really want to forget!" "I couldn't protect them all. How many have I let slip through the cracks?" "Looks like we've been used." "Did you cook up the whole thing, ____?" "Stand up. If you've got enough free time to fantasize about your beautiful death... why don't you just live your life beautifully to the end?" "I'm going to live in a way that I think is beautiful, and I'll protect what I want to protect." "It wasn't really a burden. It was something important that you held with both hands, but you didn't realize it was there when you held it. I only realized its true weight after it slipped from my hands. I don't know how often I thought, 'I'll never carry this again.', but, all of a sudden, I'm feeling that weight again..." "Listen, I don't care what you guys do around the universe, but this is my sword, and anywhere it can reach is my country!" "Even if you lose all memory in your head, the ones engraved in your heart... and the ones that exist in your soul... will never disappear, no matter what happens." "Inside me, I have an organ more important than my heart. So that I can walk forward, without ever trembling. If I stopped here I feel like it would break... My soul would break." "Trying to shoulder the burden all by yourself? Don't be such a stranger. Weep and ask for help. Lean on me with your runny nose. Cry when you feel like crying. Laugh when you feel like laughing. When you're tearing up with an ugly face, I'll give you a good cry with an uglier face. When you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts, I'll laugh in a louder voice... That's how it should be." "The night is darkest just before dawn, but keep your eyes open. If you avert your eyes from the dark, you'll be blind to the rays of a new day... So keep your eyes open, no matter how dark the night ahead may be."

Shinpachi: "Why are you doing this? Haven't we done enough? Haven't we!?" "You're so unfair… Smiling brightly every single day, but you never show your true feelings in the slightest. Even if you're hurt or want to cry, you're forcing yourself to smile. Always without saying anything to anyone. You bear the burden alone, you decide alone and you end up smiling alone! Please stop forcing yourself! If you're hurt, then tell us!" "Talking about it won't change what happened. No matter how much we want it back, those days are long gone." "Why are you leaving again?! And we finally got to see you again! You're going to leave us, leave everyone behind and run off somewhere?! ____!"

Kagura: "People like you who care about other people are idiots. In the end, the idiots are just used. But I like those idiots better." "I'm sick of hurting people for money! Nothing tastes good this way!" "If you shoulder the burden alone and leave us behind…how are we supposed to be happy you saved our lives?"

Hijikata: "This isn't the kind of enemy where you can just enter his place and win the fight alone. You'll die." "I just... want to make the woman I love happy. That's... all I want." "I don't care if I lose an arm or a leg, as long as I am still breathing I'll keep fighting." "They don't need any sad words. All I can do for them is… keep fighting until I croak too… and give my best, like they did."

Okita: "I'm sorry. I truly am a useless. Right until the last moment, the one who snatched away your happiness was… me." "I've said this many times, your worst weakness is that you're too nice." "Some things in this world must be protected, even if it means getting your hands dirty."

Other: "I don't care about that gap you created on your own. I'll jump across it as many times as it takes, and punch some sense into you." "There was something I had to get my hands on... even if it meant dirtying them." "Forget your doubts. Your place has been with us from the beginning." "It's just sad, you know. I kinda liked you." "So... you were just playing a role, huh?" "Fond memories are painful... whether you keep them or let them go. If I'll suffer either way... I'd rather suffer trying to save it." "You see something in him, don't you?" "When a friend is crying, you should cry with him or her. When a friend is worried about something, you should hold your head and worry with him or her. If you're a friend, you can share any kind of pain with them. Also... if there is a time when a friend takes the wrong road... at that time you should, even if it ruins the friendship, stop them. That's true friendship." "It's all well and good to mother people, but you take it too far... You get used by people like me." "Too bad, just a little bit further, and you would've escaped." "Even though you cover your instincts with a paper-thin layer of morals... you looked like you were enjoying yourself when you were fighting."

[onlineproblems]

anyway i'm just putting my thoughts in order this is so boring to anyone but me

God my mood took such a huge dive after our mini vacation because I was so exhausted. The exact same thing happened last year when we took a trip. Which is when I ended up self-harming. I was expecting the mood dysregulation this time so I took care of myself better but still. Jesus. I mean it helped that I didn't have to go back to a horrible job but at the same time I often feel like a leech because I only work a few hours a week right now. I know that's not the point of life but hey. You get this idea of usefulness and worth drilled into you and it's hard to separate your identity from creating capital. And obviously I'm aware of that, he's aware of that, but at the same time we both have those identical pressures on us so it feels very unfair for me to (seemingly) fuck around all day while he has to work 40 hours and be basically the sole provider. I haven't worked full time in a year now. And I keep getting interviews and not getting hired. The job market sucks but it does feel like I'm deficient somehow. Like why wouldn't they want me?? Do I have to settle for making minimum wage (or less) doing work I'm far overqualified for, and would be miserable doing?

Aside from that, it's been really hard to focus on learning. I'm unmedicated for ADHD because I can't tolerate any meds and the best I can do is be aware of my limits and work around them, play to my strengths. But I see other people succeeding and learning faster than me, and I feel so deficient and stupid. Why haven't I grasped this yet? Would I already have a job if I were just better, smarter? Am I just not applying myself enough? I always know the answer is, "You're working within your limits; your best is different from someone else's" but it still kind of hurts to feel like your potential is being wasted. To feel like everyone is looking at you and thinking of you as a failure, or lazy, or pitying you.

Am I happy? Yes, frequently. I enjoy my hobbies, I love my spouse, I feel more rested than I have in a long time, and I often feel fulfilled learning something that does actually challenge me. But I can't help my insecurities, the imposter syndrome.

I'm also lonely. I used to have a large friend group, and now I have two friends that I see on a regular basis. I have friends that I talk to online a lot, but as much as I love them, it doesn't satisfy me in the same way as being in someone's presence. If we ever moved, or if my two friends ever moved, I would be back to zero. My anxiety, especially about driving, makes it particularly hard to make friends in a city where you can't do anything without driving to get there. Not feeling capable of driving also makes me feel pretty pathetic. I can do it for short distances in areas I'm familiar with, but getting on the freeway makes me feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, and not in a good way. Every time I manage to drive somewhere I feel this sense of exultation that I accomplished a huge feat, followed by such a hollow exhaustion that I often feel drained for the rest of the day. How are you supposed to maintain friends like that?

And these are just my small everyday concerns. In the back of my mind during all these I'm aware of the fact that the US is a flaming shit log right now, and I can sign petitions and donate money and vote in my primaries and do whatever and the world is still heating up and people are still getting fucking shotgunned and legislated to death and wrung out like a sponge by insane costs of living and corporations and billionaires are smoking petrol cigarettes made of corpses lit by fossil fuel private jet matches. So what do you. You just don't think about it most of the time.

I don't know. I think I'm really tired right now so naturally my outlook is more bleak, and if I had gotten more sleep I would feel better and happier. But I think I do still feel numb a lot and that I bury my head in easy distractions like TV and tumblr because facing painful emotions is just hard. I'm a chronic avoider. I put off conflict of any kind. If I think I see it coming, I close my eyes until it runs me over. I'm not as bad as I used to be; I'm trying to articulate how I feel more, and to be proactive about developing healthy coping mechanisms, but I think I'm not great about being self-aware yet. I think it still creeps up on me and I'm not aware until it's right over me.

At least I knew this time, before this trip, what was going to happen. I wouldn't say I dealt with it in the best way, but I prevented myself from self-harming and I talked about how I was feeling and I let myself feel angry a little bit. I had a fawning reaction for a lot of the time, but I was more aware of it. I can recognize the patterns better. And instead of giving into the compulsion, I felt the feeling and then let it pass.

This is probably just always going to happen. I mean, I still have the same impulses from my eating disorder that I've always had. I don't really think they've changed or gone away at all. I just don't act on the impulses anymore. I haven't for a couple years. Not to say I won't relapse, but again, I'm seeing the patterns and resisting the impulses. Wanting the better outcome instead of the immediate release of satisfying the compulsion.

I guess all I can do is keep trying and desiring the better outcome, trying to think in the long term. (It's so hard when "the future" is something I can't even visualize! It's liquid, nebulous, anything could happen, I don't have a plan or anything definitive that I want) (What do I want? There's a few things I guess I could daydream about -- having a yard, but I don't need that. Pursuing my hobbies, I guess -- but I can do that almost anywhere. Having friends -- hopefully some of the same ones as now. Being happy with my spouse, being comfortable in our house or apartment, working enough to live off of and maybe to retire early. Who cares? There's no set path to any of these things.) So yeah. As long as I'm engaging in healthy patterns more often than not, I can achieve the future I want. Right?

Anyway. This is a mess but I feel like I got some of the most tangled threads unraveled.

[eleanorfenyxwrites]

WIP Wednesday

(The next bit of chapter 12 of Soldier, Poet, King. Do I feel supremely guilty that I haven't been working on it but I've been working on my secret project whenever I have the energy? Yes 🥺)

--//--

It feels like roughly five minutes later when there’s a fresh jab between his ribs and Nie Mingjue growls low in the back of his throat, thoroughly pissed now. “Meng Yao I swear to god if you elbow me one more time–!!”

“Don’t ‘Meng Yao’ me, stop snapping and just let me up,” his partner hisses as if he hadn’t been the one to glue himself between them in the first place.

Nie Mingjue tightens his arm around Jin Guangyao’s waist and forces his dry, aching eyes open to try to figure out what’s going on now. Jin Guangyao is attempting to glare at him while twisted around from where he’s still laying on his side, his cheek creased with rumpled lines from Lan Xichen’s t-shirt.

“I can’t let you up, I’m holding Xichen so he doesn’t fall.”

“What??” Nie Mingjue stays still as Jin Guangyao wriggles one arm free to pat his hand down the length of his arm from shoulder to wrist, right down to where his hand is tucked under Lan Xichen’s waist to keep him looped safely in his grip with Jin Guangyao.

“See?”

“No, I can’t see anything, I’m too busy suffocating in Huan-ge’s tits.”

“And whose fault is that?!”

“My loves, I adore you. I will destroy you both if you don’t stop arguing right in my ear before sunrise.”

“Huan-ge, please let me up,” Jin Guangyao says perfectly politely and with no jamming of elbows into Lan Xichen’s soft tissues. Nie Mingjue leans in to bite his ear in irritation for the unfair treatment before Lan Xichen groans and rolls off the edge of the bed (relatively gracefully). The release of pressure feels like heaven and Nie Mingjue happily flumps down face first into the blessedly empty bed the second Jin Guangyao follows Lan Xichen upright, his limbs starfished as much as they can be on the twin mattress.

“Where are you going?” Lan Xichen asks around a jaw-cracking yawn as he rubs blearily at one eye.

“To sleep in the other bed.”

“Why?”

“You two are making my skin crawl,” Jin Guangyao mutters with a shudder. Nie Mingjue flips him off without lifting his face out of the pillow, but Lan Xichen makes a quiet noise of distress.

Nie Mingjue turns his head just enough to be able to speak legibly. “Don’t listen to him, A-Huan. He’s embarrassed he cried on us so he’s being a bitch. Go sleep in the other bed with him.”

Jin Guangyao swats at the back of his head a little too sharply for it to be playful, so Nie Mingjue reaches out blindly to smack his ass, definitely also too hard to be entirely playful. Lan Xichen knocks his hand away with his hip when he steps in between them to keep them from retaliating any further.

“Stop it, both of you. A-Yao just..stay here for a moment, I will be right back.” Silence descends again as Lan Xichen slips out of their room into the hallway and Nie Mingjue lets himself drift fuzzily in and out of semi-consciousness, still reveling in the unexpected space that okay, yes, he understands why Jin Guangyao wants as well. He loves his partners, he really really does, but now that some of the fragility from their Drift has worn off he wants to breathe.

[salamanderinspace]

Saving a small section from a book I finished. The book was pretty disappointing overall but this was an interesting description of this sort of emotional state. This protagonist has been ghosted by a guy she went on two dates with (though their parents were intensely pressuring them to marry, so there were expectations) and is processing the rejection. A few more comments below the break:

...I do find it interesting that she doesn't want help, doesn't want to talk about it, because she knows her family will make this worse. The narrative ultimately proves this to be poor/false judgement on her part, which IMO is a big reason why the book is disappointing---in real life, if people are vicious bullies in chapters 1-30, they will continue to be vicious bullies in chapter 31 after you stand up to them and "love yourself" or whatever. The way her mother is constantly putting her through it for not being married seems very much like bullying to me.

Anyway. Here she is, this very high strung girl with a very very different cultural background from me, working through a traumatic heartbreak after not being texted back for one week.

"Everything okay, Leila?" my mother asked me at the breakfast table the next morning.

"I'm fine," I said, pushing my eggs from one end of the plate to the other. I had no idea if my mother knew that I had seen Zain again, but I didn't want to risk giving her more access to my life than she already had.

"You haven't eaten anything. Can I make you something else?"

"No. No, Ammi, I'm fine, I'm just a little tired, I said, getting up.

"You can always talk to me if something is wrong," my mother said softly.

I nodded and walked back into my room. I knew she could sense I was upset, but she was the last person I wanted to talk to about Zain. If I so much as mentioned his name, she would immediately call Yasmeen aunty, and I couldn't deal with any more humiliation. If my mother had never forced me to go to that lunch, I never would have met him, and I never would have gotten my heart broken. I knew it was unfair to hold her solely responsible for what happened between the two of us, but I couldn't help but feel that she shared at least some portion of the blame.

In an attempt to protect my fragile emotions, I decided to avoid my mother for the next week and tried everything I could to get over Zain on my own. I even pushed myself to go on a few more dates-and some second and third dates; however, my self-esteem had been so rattled, I just couldn't think clearly. Zain remained in the back of my mind like an unwanted guest.

When I used to go out, I was mainly concerned with how much I would like my date. Now, I was petrified that he wouldn't like me. These feelings of self- doubt consumed me entirely, and I resented Zain for that. Each time I met a potential suitor, I felt like I had to try extra hard to come off as smart and witty because I desperately needed validation. I needed to prove somehow that Zain had made a mistake. But even when a date would express interest, I instantly assumed there was something wrong: if I wasn't good enough for Zain, then anyone who did think I was good enough must be substandard. I knew my thinking made no sense, but nothing made sense anymore. My life had been reduced to mere contradictions. I hated Zain, but I also secretly wished he would call me so everything could go back to the way it was that night at the jazz club. With each day that passed, though, the silence on his end eventually started causing me to hate myself. I hated that I felt so powerless over the situation. I hated how crappy I felt all the time. But most of all, I hated that I had allowed myself to yearn for the one guy I couldn't have.