#like im not fully in control ever
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can i just not be depressed, cmon brain lets get up and do something, you havent turned on your pc in like a week. cmon up get your ass up stupid piece of junk lets go you cant just sleep all the time. lets go up and at em, lets go you piece of shit cmon lets get up and off the bed, cmon you can do it
#the depression hits :/#idfk like im not sad depressed#like the i have no motivation for anything depressed#like nothing seems fun#nothing is giving me serotonin#like idfk#like i sit here and i do nothing#and i can barely force myself to stay awake#idfk#im not really doing bad...but im not doing good#and idfk why#like everything just feels like its weighing down on me#and i feel like im being crushed by the weight of everything#like you know when you are just so overwhelmed that your chest gets tight and its kinda hard to breathe#everything seems so overwhelming recently#i feel like theres always something invisible weighing on my chest...some lump in my throat#i feel like someone else is pulling the strings#like im not fully in control ever#i keep lashing out at people who i care about and it makes me feel like shit#and i really cant have them leave me...#i only have her left and all i can do is be an asshole?!#i cant stand myself#i just want to...idfk...#i want to be ok again#im just kinda tired of being too much but not enough#and theres even more shit that weighs on me constantly#im an anxious mess and i cant deal with talking to people much anymore...but im so lonely...and i need people#i really just want someone who i can sit with in silence and who will hug me#oh shit this is my last tag i can use um...im not ok lmao 😄🔫
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mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
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#not art (yet!!!!)#preddy good kristen I got goin on in this piece#for some reason my brain isnt letting me do this one. been stalling on it for a good few days. but I intend to break thru it#I need to put this on paper at least once#(its space sweepers. I think it would be funny if the kids are in that universe too but theyre just like off to the side doing their own#thing pretty much unrelated to the main plot. theyre delivery people. theyre all still teens. they get up to shenanigans and then#one day they look up like huh the guy who founded eden fucking died?? when#kristen specifically I got a decent amount hashed out in my brain somehow. she's like an engineered messiah with a grafted engine#along her upper body skeleton that'd let her spontaneously rearrange objects on a molecular level#so she can theoretically knit wounds or cure diseases by thinking abt it very hard#sadly the engine of course takes enormous amount of energy to power. so most of the time in practice she just#has a half-metal skeleton that doesn't do anything. so she's buff as shit on the upper side and one of her punches can break your neck#but her mobility is limited and she sprains her ankles like every other week. her shins have broken like a few times#I genuinely love the way her shoes n braces look in this one its very fun#there are a lot of choices I made in this one that are so fun and also just like. a result of putting them in space sweepers#and thinking to myself here and there hey this would be cool if it harkens back to their canon designs#not riz tho other than being human he is fully exactly like how he looks in canon. hes just like that#hes the navigator and he charts their courses by hand with a school calculator#(also technically their legal counselor since he's sorta responsible for not putting them in traffic control's hands)#drawing this does make me realise a lot of these dynamics are really fun lol. idk if Im gonna ever do anything like proper for this but#at the very least if I draw this the idea will be out there)
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i'd like to address the allegations that Charles is a dummy for cutting about in a METAL wheelchair when his nemesis is MAGNETO. Yes, Erik can at any time yeet Charles around by the chair. He also knows that as soon as he touches the chair, he has lost. As soon as he even THINKS about grabbing the chair in anything but a life or death situation, he puts himself in timeout in the south pole.
charles may be a dummy for putting faith in magneto Not to be a menace and yet its the trust he has in erik not to do him harm despite how easy it'd be ..... power move if you think about it ....
#snap chats#charles drives me insane. wtf do you mean you fully trust erik not to fuck with your chair#BECAUSE HE LOVES HIM HE BELIEVES IN HIM HE TRUSTS HIM //throws up//#erik on the other hand ....... im gonna bang a ladle against his helmet while he wears it#i love the differing explanations for why erik wears his helmt and In Essence theyre all true#like 1.) he doesnt want charles in his head to potentially control him 2.) he doesnt want charles to hear his thoughts#3.) he has to block charles out of his head lest he only ever hear loving words and other of charles' sweet nothings#aka he has to keep out the gay thoughts I Fucking Hate This Helmet <- im deeply in love with this helmet#IN ANY CASE. erik loves charles but he doesnt trust him enough to be wholly vulnerable like charles can be#he doesnt want to keep the avenue of vulnerability open thatd be too much#some may argue 'snap most people dont want someone in their head just poking around'#ok not me. never me. so CLEARLY the point is now null and void#ok im done talking bye. erik's helmet drives me insane and i love the evolution of it#from it just being a design thing to actually having function to HAVE IN-DEPTH CHARACTER RELATIONS. fuck this helmet
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wow i wish america didn't hate disabled people so much
#looking at applying for disability and it just feels like they're trying to find every loophole ever#i just wanna know if i can survive because i don't know if i can work when im constantly in this much pain#i already know the government hates me but these fucking documents man they're killing me#vent#brain thoughts#cpunk#cripple punk#i hate that this world hates me and makes me feel broken for something i fully cant control i wish i wasn't like this
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my sister wants to go to the fair again n i cant and everyone is mad at me for it n i already felt guilty for not doing it n i just . stuck in my room in a ball crying n shaking & squeezing myself as tight as i can 2 make it all stop
#my anxiety has gotten so bad again#i havent felt this bad in so long#have i fully regressed#is all my effort lost#my jaw is so tense my ears hurt#my eyes hurt#everything hurts#and im so scared#i just want to be better#i need to be useful#im so fucking useless how will i ever help anything#i wish i could have stayed going to weekly therapy#when i lost that everything started going wrong#even though my therapist doesnt help it just. gave me something#it got me to go out n talk to someone face to face#and it was controlled#it was only 50mins#and then i was free#and we went to the restaurant that i like n i got to get bubble tea#and it just. felt kinda hopeful#i miss being in the connections program#feeling like i belonged somewhere for once#and that i was actually progressing#i felt like a human for the first time ever
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#still wild to me that i am in a relationship#itll be 3 months next week and i am obsessed with him than ever#i never couldve imagined itd actually be like this but it is literally everything i ever wanted#hes sooooo kind#and sweet and i could gush about him all day long#i mentioned in front of two of his friends how im planning to buy a ps5 in the next couple months bc i only have Nintendo consoles#and i wanna play other games#and his two friends where like well why arent you getting a gaming pc?????#important note here: they all are gaming nerds and they are all like IT guys incl my boyfriend#and i explained that its just the easiest way and that im not really a pc gamer#(but important note here is that my bf has hi gaming pc set up on his tv and plays with a controller exclusively and i do vibe with that)#and then all 3 basically were like we will literally build you a gaming pc ourselves so you dont buy a ps5!!!!#that was 2 days ago.#yesterday my boyfriend showed me his research into possible gaming pc set ups for me that would be within a certain budget#while still being definitely more than good enough#and he explained some things to me and asked my opinions#and now im sat here like ok 🥺#i think ill let my boyfriend build me a gaming pc#mind you i wasnt planing on getting a ps5 before fall the earliest bc im planning on moving soon and money and all that#but hes already planning and gathering ideas#while still understanding why i initially wanted a ps5 (less money and i have no idea about gaming pc set ups) and leaving it fully up to me#i am also now at exactly 100 hours into elden ring with him as my backseater#which means end game shit#i am currently switching between trying to win against Malenia Mogh lord of blood and radagon#its........ going#i maxed out my number of flasks and charges?? is that what its called#and i got my +10 staved and sword/catana#its still super fun but hoh boy#the rush of adrenaline when i finally beat godfrey and my boyfriend was so hapoy for me too it was honestly super fucking adorable#personal
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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Guess which bitch now has room on its phone for instagram for the first time in like 3 years. This is only good bc now we can post art there again.
Not that instagram is nice to artists or anything. Just that our art tumblr is so very tiny and unused. Gonna probably have to clear it out somewhat when I finally get around to posting art.
#thank fuck for our silm special interest tho#we can finally get like traction on posts#which'll mean that when our fibro flare-up finally dies down (lmao it'll be ages bc our dad is Stressing The Fuck Outta Us)#we can get commissions done again#and through those. well.#money both for clothes to make us comfortable#(which will also last for years & be the right kinda clothing for when we move overseas)#and also for savings for WHEN we move overseas#like our grandma is nice & all &'ll probably help pay for us getting housing or whatever#but i dont want to have to Rely on her inheritance from her aunt(?)#and disability benifits are dodgy at best. and we'll have to survive somehow *before* we get them through#and i kinda dont want to have to rely on the generosity of an old school friend's mum. or a 10th cousin 4 times removed (or whatever)#who might well be dead before we move to ireland#bc he's like 95 rn#and idk if he'd even let us stay at his (scarily enormous) house At All#also. idk if we'd have the money without some kinda work to get HRT when we move out. dont wanna have to be reliant on parents or the gov.#for our HRT. i doubt we could get public healthcare to cover it. not immediately at least.#and i kinda dont want to have to go back on birth control. cause progesterone or w/ever its called has feminising effects iirc#and we're not sure if we want a hysterectomy yet. so.#it'd be a choice between periods (hell) and HRT (expensive)#fuck i hate being disabled sometimes#like actually if anyone calls chronically fatigued ppl “lazy”. i fucking WISH i was lazy.#like bitch please this flare-up is making it so that NONE of my meds get rid of the pain anywhere NEAR fully#and im low-key on the Good Shit™#also so annoyed that ireland hasnt legalised weed. bc. we're almost certainly gonna be doing it for pain#and getting an *illegal* product is so much more difficult#lmao i worked out commas#—Roquén#my fingies hurt so much rn lmao#anyway gonna go draw my source drowning in blood & despair. then im gonna work out what the fuck kinda pigments caranthir would use
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barkbarkbark Riichi Book I's writing is like screeching chalkboard to my game designer's, translator's, and writer's ears all at once
it's got great concepts buried in there but it's in like the most anti-comprehension packaging conceivable
#what the hell is wrong with you#folks like you are the BANE of game designers everywhere#and game PLAYERS for that matter#THIS is the best strategy reference the English speaking world's got?#baddabingbaddaboom ladies and gentlemen#im about to make bank writing the West's first riichi primer that actually meets the standards of the modern analogue game industry#(which to be honest is abysmal right now the industry's in an insane 'text free' fad right now where every word is replaced with a symbol)#alright then im gonna set the new standard then#imma bout to do for Riichi Mahjong what i did for Ryuutama Traversées 🫸🤛#and for all the dudes at unpub who know how to design incredible games but dont know how to write instructions#alright sorry I'll calm down#but seriously i am gonna start throwing together an actually quality-controlled guide#cause every english resource ive found so far has been like this... inconsistent and full of holes and omissions in explanations#chiba talks about the game's strategic immaturity in the west... well it's got an even bigger gap of educational immaturity#anyways.... I'll toss a bit of effort that way#we'll see how far i take it#I'll either make a few loose articles or a fully fledged book. no in between#god i dont have the energy to make another book when i dont even know if Traversées is ever gonna see the light of day#100% complete full color layout and everything. publishing limbo is real and it's every bit as stupid and unnecessary as you think.#(my case is much simpler than most though cause im only working with two small publishers rather than a big corp)#but still. damn#anyways im so tempted to throw some of my rulebook magic at riichi while it's got my interest#not like i need to write a strategy tome the game just needs a professional quality introduction#don't make me do it i absolutely will do it#i did it for ryuutama when no one wanted to give a decent publication-quality localization for the supplements#and by garriot i will do it for riichi mahjong too if no one gives me a quality guide. i aint afraid of a global high strategy game#<- manic#(im not manic im just extremely restless having not been able to do any solid design work in a while and this book is getting me riled up)#cause it's like “i could write such a more coherent rulebook and HAVE written a more coherent rulebook. so why don't i do it again?”#the Disease is why. but maybe I'll give it a shot anyways if i get a second wind (i guess im otakaze right now harharharhar)
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its joever
#had a terrible day at work and cried in front of my dad for the first time maybe idk ever#like it turns out if you force your kid into college and a profession they dont want to have anything to do with...it ends badly#not that hes fully to blame im a dad apologist my extended family is just full of control freaks#but if we want to go Further i can also blame imperial japan for invading my hometown and making my great- and current grandparents#grow up in so much poverty and financial instability that'll 80ish years later i am now in this situation. whatever. i'll live#as soon as i get my resignation letter written#it's so embarrassing that i have to notify the FDA too like hhi hello...if u could detach my license from this pharmacy pls thamk u#shit i could have avoided if i just applied at a hospital where all my coworkers are also registered professionals so my workplace isnt#relying Solely on my license. damn#anyway its 8 PM i am tired out from cruing its bedtime#skl.txt
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i was legitimately fully lucid dreaming last night and the second i tried to conjure up Anton I WOKE UP. WHY
#it was soooo cool tho#a lot of my dreams are in a sense lucid because i kinda know im dreaming in most of them but just#don’t try to change anything and just go with the flow#but last night was cool like i was fully in control of the dream and i was a little ghost flying around#and also everyone was trying to kill me for some reason (and then i legit killed someone in self defense. my bad)#so i like flew away as a ghost and i was supposed to be invisible but it was raining so that fucks up my ghost powers i guess#and i found this really cozy looking cottage and went inside and had to barricade the doors from the mob of angry people after me#and i’m like. oh you know what would be cool. anton should live here#and the SECOND he showed up in the dream i woke up and was PISSED#like every time one of my ocs show up in my dreams is the coolest thing ever but i always wake up right away probably from excitement tbh#because like. my ocs are the most important things to me in the world so yeah i guess i’d get excited to meet them#wyrms says stuff#anton oc#dreams
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when the line changes from meaning "im the ruler of my own world" to "i finally have worth because i am finally the ruler" because this character has never been allowed to break the rules and never been in control of their own life. and now that they HAVE broken their every most significant rule in the worst, most traumatizing ways possible, they've both changed drastically as a person and warped the entire situation in their head: they blame themselves, they KNOW that the situation is their own fault, but they cannot handle the weight of that guilt and have forced themselves to blame absolutely Anyone else instead because of it. in losing everything that defined them as a person and Taking control for the first time in their life out of an inability to face themselves and their own actions, they think that they've finally found worth in themselves, that they were meant to be the ruler. that THIS was god's plan and what they were meant to be all along. and even then, supposedly having finally broken the rules and their meaning and their worth, they're still not actually in control. they're in denial of the truth of what happened in spite of knowing it deep down, they've lost everything that defined them as a person and have NO idea how to find it again or to discover themselves without it, and though their revenge plot has given them power over perhaps the entire world they still aren't actually the one in control. taking revenge and pleasing the only gods they know for certain exist is one last desperate, terrified attempt to save themselves from the consequence of what they've done and from ever having to face themselves.
#maybe Im the one who has the heavily warped perception#<- girl who feels she has a deep understanding of grace chasity's character and motivations but who is also#deeply enamored with her writing and everything about her AS a character as well as extremely biased in trying to see the best in her#rather than facing that maybe she just Isn't a good person#<- like im so fr i CANNOT believe she had bad intentions i CANNOT believe she acted out of malice as opposed to#just being in shock and denial and genuinely having NO fucking idea what to do as things spiraled rapidly out of control#it was HER plan all of it was HER plan because of HER feelings !!! the first time she's ever been the leader instead of the follower#and everything that could go wrong DID go wrong. all her fault. and she KNOWS it's her fault!!!!! but the worst things get the harder it is#to actually face that. she almost turns herself in she fully intends to take the blame and make sure steph and pete arent punished for#HER choices and HER mistakes. and then the mayor shows up and ghosts and gods become involved and it Just Keeps Getting Worse and it's STIL#grace's fault !!!!!!#i need to shut the fuck up before i start going off about the football field scene too god help me im so srs#alyalyoxenfree
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Uh warning this whole thing is me complaining about my bones and pain and stuff so if you're sick of hearing about that you should probably ignore this
Whatever's wrong with my knee spread to my hip so I think that maybe I WILL be needing a cane or something soon and it's not just a joke I was making cause I had to keep sitting down in random places
Joke might be the wrong word because it wasn't really a joke and it wasn't funny, I was just trying to be lighthearted and it didn't seem like it was really happening or that it was probable
#sorry if we're ever in a public place and i suddenly make us stop so i can sit down for a few seconds#its not because im lazy or im trying to be annoying i swear#something ive been thinking about is disability#i don't think im disabled because i can still get around and do things but sometimes it is a little difficult and im worried that#in the future I'll have a really hard time walking without pain and ill have to depend on someone more than i already do#im already going to need to live with someone for the rest of my life anyway because of mental health stuff and i really dont want to have#to give up what freedom i have left#i read somewhere that disability forces you to rely on people and it takes away your independence and totally overhauls your life#and that disability really destroys your walls surrounding asking others for help/support#being independent and being self sufficient#i pride myself on my independence and self sufficiency and seeing that slowly start trickling away while theres nothing i can do about it#and nobody knows what to do to stop it is really painful#maybe it wont get so bad that ill be fully reliant but the possibility is there and not knowing is really scary#my choice and my autonomy are being ripped away and it not a person thats doing it its my own body#im not in control of my own body anymore#maybe im being dramatic but it really doesnt feel like it#because i am slowly watching my joints get worse and i am completely helpless. i cant do anything. im watching whatever this is spread and#not a single person can tell me what it is or why its happening
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speaking of terraria ive spent the last few days grinding my way through it for the first time in i think like over two years and i forgot. so much but also im doing SO much better than before
#i put it in expert mode too and ive only ever done normal previously so its. wild ive gotten as far as i have as fast as i have#im already in hardmode#AND IM ON CONSOLE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE CONTROLS SUCK ASS ON CONSOLE#it was hard enough on pc but now it's just silly#on pc i was a yoyo main but thats basically impossible on console so now im sword as fuck#nights edge my beloved 💖#or for some bosses im ranged and just. pray i can sort of aim good lmao#some shining day ill get a good gun and chlorophyte bullets and then wont have to think about it at all#but as is theres abt a 0% chance of me beating the mechs so we're back to grinding for now#plus i got harpy wings literally like an hour into hardmode so uhhhhh pretty fuckin good!!#i have gotten. so much better at dodging the wyverns than i ever was before#i think before i just avoided them until i was powerful enough to immediately kill them but this time i was like.#give me your fucking souls of flight right now i need wings NOW#and the harpies were the easiest thing for me to grind#its a 1/200 chance to drop‚ i think mine took like 350 to drop but thats still not bad#i just slapped down a space platform with a blue candle and called it a day#the fully surrounding damage from nights edge is so fuckin crucial though dude ive gotten swords that are technically higher damage already#but they just Cannot Compete with me being able to just. Not Let Things Touch Me At All#also the harpy wings are . ridiculously good for how early you can get them provided youre willing to grind a little?#i think every other time ive just gone through the ranks of em the way youre supposed to w like#and angel/demon ones and working my way up? but i was just like. hold on harpies are here all the time i could just. zool#zoop*
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i'm about to hit 50k posts
#13 years this blog knew me at my most insufferable times and i fully mean right now#also no one remembers but s/o the first wave of comedians and celebs that were on tumblr in the early days#im looking at you scott aukerman#paul f tompkins#jonah ray#lauren jauregui#paramore#mark ruffalo#the 'fake drunk' liveblogging when you'd just stream of conciousness blog anything but it was mostly the gay kids trying to be straight#the pizza blog#big love to all of the 1d aesthetic blogs that have fueled pinterest for the last decade#the brazilian youth no control audio#i could make a retrospective on the 1d happenings alone#im about to make the 50000th post a star trek shtpost#like the most deranged ds9 fancam youve ever seen#honorable mentions include the taylor swift lyric over the jurassic park gifs#the graverobbing / bone selling trend?#the actual russian interference blog 'sxpigeon' and how it spit propaganda to sway election results#the les mis starkid and newsies blogs#when we all were andy mientus girlies#u will all live forever#709
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