#like idk maybe give me a fucking break and support the fact I'm willing to at least try and find a solution

[thetriangletattoo]

.

[amoneki-ramblings]

oh and also idk if the amoneki blog is the place to ask but can u tell me about ur opinion of eto :]

OH HELL YEAH !!!! I should've clarified, I'm cool with asks for anything/anyone, unfortunately I might not have as much to say for some characters/ships since. I'm still getting through the manga orz but I'd down to discuss anyone!!

Also sidenote but thank you for sending two asks?? I'm answering this one first since the amoneki ask will take me. A while. But also I read this and immediately went "eto !!! eto holy shit it's her!!" so I must get the energy out (and hope it's coherent)

How I feel about this character:  Goddd Eto is so fucking Cool as a character. She has so many things I absolutely Love in one character. She's an absolute monster in terms of power, eldritch-like, she is a horror beyond anyone's comprehension and I love her so much for that. When she made her first (I think) big appearance in :re (Volume 5. The Kanae Scene) I loved her sooo much more I love her fucked up-ness, I love her Apple and God Thing and 'breaking down people's idols and becoming their god' because I Love religious symbolism. She's so ominous and formidable and she has such a fucking presence, it's amazing, yet at the same time we still see the same loneliness in her that's prevelant in the majority of Tokyo Ghoul, but maybe even moreso. Throughout the series it's shown how important parents and family are and how they've shaped the characters and give them drive (especially considering almost nobody has both parents. alive, and it effects everyone So Much it's a constant theme.) And obviously Eto couldn't really. Have that. At all. And it fucked her up definitely. The loneliness is overshadowed by. The Monstrosity (which makes sense of course, because that loneliness also brews Hatred for the world) but it also cuts through in things like her writing as Takatsuki Sen (which Kaneki obviously picks up on and relates to), the way it shines through when she's able to deconstruct others' desires and wills and suffering (after all, one must experience suffering themself to truly understand someone else's), and the slight respite with Aogiri (man. I wish to know more of her dynamics with the members/executives so bad) god I love her so much, she also has such a cool character design I'm in love with it, I can't wait to see her even more in :re.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:  Hmm since she hasn't made too many major appearances with individual characters so far none really yet? However I feel like I may grow very intrigued in etoken, two people that share loneliness, they're also a little fucked up I think they could be interesting together (I'm certain they're gonna interact more later also i've seen. the eyeball scene (on accident) and honestly yeah that's my kinda Weirdness))

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Again I want to see more of her appearances/interactions with others more first !! But I'd honestly be happy just to see her interact with the other Aogiri executives more, it's pretty entertaining and it's definitely my kinda thing

My unpopular opinion about this character:  I guess I wouldn't really know if anything I thought is considered unpopular haha, I just kinda like her all around okay?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Well, currently I just want to see her more in general, although I think seeing more of the ways she can totally screw with people would be great, she is so Psychological Horror and I fully support it

my OTP: Again, none yet but there may be Something on the horizon

my cross over ship: Honestly I don't really have any crossover tg ships

a headcanon fact: I am taking this opportunity to increase the religious undertones tenfold. She can pull out So many bible references on the fly (that a lot of people probably don't get) and definitely weaves them throughout her writing (Kaneki canonically knows things from the bible, more than the average person at least, so he would absolutely pick up on them). I think she'd have some very interesting thoughts about the bible and what it says about humanity and the idea of God itself, and she definitely owns one somewhere

Hopefully that wasn't too long orz Anyways yes I see Eto in my inbox and I jump up and down in excitement I don't have a coherent list of favorite characters but she is definitely Somewhere in there and I'd let her rip my limbs off anyday Eto my beloved

[transpersian]

Bottom line is: I choose who I talk to. Nobody from either side is going to dictate that to me.

so y'all are like... in ok terms now? that's good to hear ig. maybe there's hope for everyone after all. idk your post made me feel warm inside. i'm happy for you, please stay healthy and take care of yourself. thank you for all the thoughful discussions, you helped a lot of people and i hope people remember it. <3

"Okay" doesn't come anywhere close to describing the complexity of the situation. Let me see if I can give you an idea by summarizing some of it, briefly and impartially:

We've both been through a lot directly because of each other and we both still have a lot of active and complicated feelings about them.

This affects a lot of relationships that both of us have and there are a lot more ongoing elements to the current landscape than just us.

And you can bet your ass that both of us have been having discussions with friends who are very, very not okay with what we're doing.

I always said I'd be willing to talk and I meant it. These principles matter if we're to ever have hope for anything but eternal war, here or otherwise. They've served me well and guided me true in the face of doubters for a long time.

Does this resolve everything? No, of course not. You just have to look at Twitter to see the current carnage. I'm going to be sticking very strictly to what I said in my post: I will not be speaking positively or negatively of anyone on either side regarding this conflict. I can only encourage you to look at what's happening and decide for yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thing is, I'm still here. You can send questions, and while I can't promise I'll be able answer them, I'll do so to the best of my ability.

My personal code and approach towards this situation still holds true. I still believe in approaching things a certain way. That's why I said that the current discourse isn't for me; the tornado got away from me while I was gone and now it's too big to steer.

I can only encourage people to be civil and empathetic, evidence-focused and direct, to not engage with the inevitable spectators that want to turn it into a participation sport.

When it was a few Tumblrs on here, that was doable. Now the war's come home for them and I don't have nearly the level of credibility or influence that some people who are involved do. I can't turn them one way or the other. Even the content creators are mostly watching from the sidelines not wanting to get involved.

~~~~~~~~~~

And beyond that... y'all, now that I've made this decision, I'm coming to realize just how fucking exhausted I've been.

I'm not turning my back on anyone who doesn't turn their back on me, I promise. Even then.

But I need you all to understand that while I can't tell you everything that's gone on behind the scenes, the people closest to me and supporting me the most through this have been increasingly concerned about how this has been impacting my well-being, and whether I would ever be able to pull away from it.

They've wanted me to step back. It wasn't my initial intention when accepting her invitation to talk, but the fact that the opportunity has arisen from it right as the need for it has become dire is just good luck.

~~~~~~~~~~

Again, not to get into too many details, but January got harrowing. I went through the worst mental collapse I've had since last July (if you've read my doc, it's the part with the panic attacks). I have a whole life outside of this that I've had to maintain, and if I told you the level of high-pressure work I deal with in my day job, you wouldn't believe me. This is on top of being caught in the middle of my parents' divorce and helping plan and prep my sister's wedding.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for months, practically every single day. I tried to take breaks, but I'd inevitably get a day or two in before some other thing happened that needed my attention. With where last month pushed me... I don't know.

While a lot of elements aligned and a lot of thought went into these decisions, I lost people for even talking to her in the first place, and honestly, I don't really blame them. I understand the feelings that people have about this. Believe me, I'm still having some very direct, personal conversations about it in DMs and VCs, especially after today's post.

But I have thought about this, a lot. If you've been reading my posts for a while, you've seen how I've approached this situation the whole time. Those principles and values just extend further than a lot of people consider to be wise, reasonable, or even just plain not "fucking insane." If any of y'all had known me for a few years, you'd know that this is not a new thing for me; this path has served me well for many years and has been an essential compass in pivotal moments.

Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it kicks me in the ass. But I never regret it.

I've always been direct and honest about my perspective, and I'm still very much who I've always been. I'm not some naive child wandering into a trap; I'm deeply considering how I handle every step of this, and me doing my own thing here isn't going to change much in the grand scheme of the current fight.

~~~~~~~~~~

If you've had faith in or respect for how I've done things so far, I'd like to hope that I've earned that. I simply ask that you consider these actions in the context of those feelings over the gut discomfort that may come from the notion that we're even having conversations in the first place now.

And I don't know what conversations you think we're having, but they're definitely not full of bubblegum and butterflies. We've both got BPD and have put each other through hell. There are a lot of big feelings to contend with. Hurt and rage and resentment. Things that can't be fixed or taken back or forgiven.

If you don't understand why I'd be open to a chance to have those conversations, I can't explain it to you. I only ask that you continue to trust my increasingly unconventional approach to all of this.

You don't have to give it to me. You don't owe it to me. I can only ask for it.

So... are Poppy and I "on okay terms" now?

I don't know.

It's complicated and really fucking weird.

But it's definitely not the catastrophic idea that some people think it is. I just hope they'll give me the time and chances to prove them wrong.

[asotin]

what're your thoughts on castlevania (the netflix show, not the game, ive never played the game) what do you like, what don't you like? make it as long as you want. i don't care if i have to scroll for 5 minutes. go feral (personally trevor is extremely hot and i would like to date sypha. i'm not really into alucard's whole sickly victorian child aesthetic, yknow?)

oh god this is way too long, but you did say to make it as long as i want, and i have a lot of thoughts that i need to inflict on the world

i played two castlevania games, both from the nintendo gameboy era, so please don’t get mad at me, gamers

details below the cut, but since i’ll be talking about season three, i need to preface this with content warnings for mentions of: graphic violence, rape and sexual violence, racism, and the holocaust

before i get into it, i usually don’t go for alucard-type characters either, but knowing that he was redesigned to be bishounen sexy specifically because the boring, middle aged man look he originally had in the games wasn’t appealing makes me enjoy him. and he’s fun with trevor and sypha

do like:

the voice acting

it’s all good. i can’t think of any characters whose voices were awkward or fit poorly. they don't make sypha’s va use the standard flat affect or false high voice women tend to be assigned, trevor sounds suitably worn out but not monotone, and alucard sounds exhausted but in a sexy way

and the spanish dub is killer, arguably superior

the animation & design

it isn’t full-on artsy, but it’s definitely got a distinctive style that’s easy to look at. the color use and effects are gorgeous. it’s a story set in the medieval era, and the mixture of desaturated and oversaturated elements works so well with that

dracula’s castle and the belmont bunker aren't revolutionary in design, but they didn't need to be. they're suitably creepy and empty, and i enjoyed them

the monsters were unique enough to have obvious different types, and the scene where a monster commits blasphemy in a church by accusing a priest of committing blasphemy was good writing

lisa

she shows up to a stranger’s spooky home and scolds him for being rude. she really looked an ancient vampire in the face, told him he had no manners, then had a kid with him. what a phenomenal woman. 11/10, no notes

“start with me, and i’ll start with you.” you know what? i’d fall in love, too

dracula

this ancient, unfriendly vampire let a human woman walk into his home and tell him he’s got no manners. and that made him fall in love with her. just like that. lisa walked in and handed him his ass, and dracula thought “oh i love her”. and when she was killed (more on this in the bad section), he raised literal hell to destroy the world for doing it

speaking of lisa being killed, it fucks me up that it happened because she convinced him to leave the castle and experience the world. he left her alone to see what she loved so much, only to come back and find that the people he’d come to like- the people lisa had loved so much it drove her to help in a way that got her killed- had burned her at the stake. i love a good tragedy, and that’s good tragedy

the way he weeps when he has to fight alucard?? during a showdown in their home?? the “i must already be dead” moment in alucard’s childhood bedroom??? when he speaks to lisa about killing their boy, her greatest gift to him??? poetic cinema.

the trio’s dynamic

three bisexuals with two total brain cells and only alucard bothers using them. incredible

i went so hard for this ot3. it's right there and so good

sypha

she initially seems to be assigned the role of the adult™️ ie she's the only woman and gets stuck being responsible, but surprise! she’s just as annoying and dumb as alucard and trevor. she dropped a castle she didn’t understand on the ground and didn’t think too hard about it. then she argued about breaking it. i love her

if we don’t get an ot3, then she needs to have a dumb gf

alucard

he's got a stupidly low neckline and lower pants. they really leaned into ayami kojima’s redesign, as they should have. his little curl annoys me, though. why the fuck does he have a random section of hair that’s like three inches long when the rest is shoulder length or longer? love that he really looks like lisa

if you say he's canonically bisexual and polyamorous, no he isn't. yes he is. no he isn't :)

trevor

disgusting. a nasty man whose appearance mirrors his state of mind. he's 50 mental illnesses in a dirty jacket and his coping mechanism is… alcohol? maybe? he’s a mess, and i dig it

him trying his trick of kneeing alucard in the balls during their fight? and finding out it doesn't work? (which…… why doesn't it……?) juvenile but suitable

hector

his love of animals makes him my favorite. normally, i won’t touch anything with this much animal death, but i’m willing to set that aside because hector loves them so much. he’s so sweet and kind, and he loves his monster pets

yes he sided with dracula and has some really fucked up ideas about what constitutes humane treatment of people, and yet i love him. 11/10, but i have a lot of notes

isaac

i support him, including his murdering and his decision to support dracula. dracula throwing him out of the castle to save him was so cruel in that it was an attempt at kindness from a man who hated the whole world, but it was against isaac’s wishes

his time with the captain was great

idk enough about islam to know if he's portrayed correctly and haven’t seen any complaints, but given the show’s track record……… i wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not great

the forging

very cool. fresh and interesting! hector creating pet friends is cute and heartbreaking. love isaac for his dedication to reducing, reusing, and recycling

season 2’s big battle with all those vampires

the new version of “bloody tears” is phenomenal

this goes back to the animation, but listen……. it's so good. i loved the smoke vampire, and alucard’s fluid wolf transformations. his flying sword looked really good, and incorporating them together? super good to watch. and trevor’s whip?

the type and level of violence are suitable for what it is. it would be weird for a gritty show like this to be bloodless, but i don't think it would work if it were bloody to the extent of a slasher. it's also more clean violence, if that makes sense. you don’t linger just to look at gore; you see it because stabbing someone spills blood. the games weren't about extended, gritty scenes of realistic murder, so the show sticking with quick, slice and dice type fights fit with what i remembered of them

please watch this fight if you don’t remember it or haven’t seen it (part 1, part 2)

trevor’s whips

trevor’s weapons don’t follow the physics of normal whips, and they shouldn't. they’re heavily stylized and clearly a fantasy weapon, but they still have rules that they (mostly) have to obey. his morning star-whip hybrid in particular is so good 

it’s easy to follow, too. a lot of times, speedy weapons disappear, which is an understandable effect but one i find boring because there’s nothing for me to do. i’m just sitting on my ass with nothing to do

trevor’s whips don’t disappear. they’re fast, but you can always see them. and they have weight! you can see them slow down and gain speed. i don’t need physics to be real; i want movement to be pleasing, and that’s exactly what i get with the whips

don’t like:

fridging lisa

she could have been kidnapped (possibly make dracula think she was dead bc people want to lure out her scary demon husband, idk), then s2 could have ended with her and dracula reuniting as he died. she and alucard go on a trip together to attempt to make amends for the pain dracula wrought in lisa’s name. orrrr she dies a tragic death with him and we’re left to hope that they find each other in the afterlife. do vampires get to go to the afterlife? can alucard reintegrate? can he be happy with his new friends? or will he go back to his crypt and sleep again? will he ever be rediscovered? if so, what will he do? deep questions. i would prefer to cogitate on these instead of experiencing the shitshow that is s3

season 3

they should have ended it with dracula’s death. the quality of storytelling goes down immediately. just plummets. i’m sure there were problems in the first two seasons, but this one is so bad, i genuinely can’t remember

but i may as well get specific, so here we go:

abandoning alucard

trevor and sypha leave their friend alone in his childhood home where he just killed his father. where they helped him kill his father who, as i’ve said too many times, raised literal hell to get revenge for people burning alucard’s mother to death

yt they don’t talk about alucard. they don’t make any plans to touch base ever again. trevor’s entire family got killed. sypha’s culture, from which she’s now estranged, is family-centric. if ever two people should give a shit about alucard and know why alucard shouldn’t be left on his own, it's them

so what the hell is going on?

trevor and sypha’s relationship

look. it could be good. it would be better with alucard but they could be together and it could work fine

but this……….

trevor hates what they're doing. he hates traveling around and fighting. he's clearly tired and deeply depressed

sypha not only doesn't care enough to address it (did they forget the first two seasons?? sypha is annoying partly because she doesn't stop poking people) she might not even notice? yes, she's having fun, but trevor is basically dead on his feet in front of her

racism

hector, sumi, and taka all got done dirty 

sumi and taka

i hate the way they died. i hate that i’m certain that the plot won’t bring japan back into the narrative (or if it does, i don’t trust it not to be shitty). i hate the fact that by killing them off, i’m not going to get any more of them. they were interesting!!

speaking of the japanese vampire: the biphobia, arguably, given what happens with alucard

the addition of sexual violence

i don’t need or want lenore. if all she’d done was manipulate hector, i could have lived with that. she’s a villain, so she does bad things. that’s the point. but what she did was a massive escalation. we hadn’t had any sexual violence, and then the last few episodes gave us 

tumblr feminists who love her for how she treated hector need to be quarantined until their brain worms have been cured

everything that happens to hector

what was this shit? why did i open my netflix app and tap castlevania and find them making this man walk around naked in the cold to torture him? and starving him? he got manipulated, degraded, chained up, collared like an animal, and raped. and why? to show us how bad lenore is? that the other vampires are bad because they let her do it? i didn’t sign up for this

the holocaust reference

the imagery at the end of s3 when it’s revealed that the judge has been killing people he’s decided are undeserving to live and collecting their shoes in that barn was chillingly close to images of shoes taken from victims of the holocaust. there's no reason to invoke the holocaust here. it’s unnecessary and in bad taste

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

02-10-20

I felt you needed to see this meme after today. To remind you that I am normally a very closed off open book. And I'm sure you'll figure out what that means but just feel freakin honored because I do not let most people see me cry. The fact that you're my therapist makes exactly no difference to my brain.

Anyway, yeah. That was a lot. For me. Idk. Maybe it wasn't that much but it was a lot for me.

You've seen me casually mention shit that some other people wouldn't be able to say at all. And that's part of the defense. Pretend it doesn't bother you and people respond like it doesn't. And you never have to address it because it seems like it genuinely does not bother you. But it's a ploy. One that... Sara saw through near immediately. She even called me on it a couple times. She was like "Idk what to do for you because you won't open up." And I was just like "I've told you everything." And she just flashed this grin briefly and said "But you haven't opened up." And I was like fuck she's right. And told her so and she gloated just a little tiny bit. She just be like that. Lil shit loves being right. Anyway, that was when I actually started to open up to her. Or at least try to. It didn't work at first. I didn't know how. But I kept trying and she kept encouraging me. Until it eventually happened but that was the only time I've seen her... Low-key lose composure. I broke the absolute fuck DOWN. Like full on lost all control. I... Ended up calling her mommy while sobbing. And I saw this look of horror on her face as I looked up. I had previously not been able to see as I'd been sobbing with tears in my eyes and had my head down. And I just launched into apologizing and freaking out thinking she hated me now. She was honest in her response. She told me she didn't know how to react but that I had no reason to be sorry and that she wasn't mad at me. She didn't seem fully confident as she pulled herself together though. Idk. I think it mostly just shocked her because I'd never reacted that way before and to be fair, it was pretty extreme. But... In the moment, I thought I'd just isolated myself from the only person who seemed to give a goddamn about me at the time. I felt... Like she was the only one who gave a goddamn about me and tbh? I don't think I was wrong. At that time in my life, she was the only one who knew me well enough to give a shit about me as a unique individual. She was the only one who... Stuck around long enough to... Really get to know me. Everyone else gave up on me. And I think at times she was really close but it took her a lot more to get close. She played the long game with me and won me over slowly. Gained my trust, pushed me, encouraged me to do better and be better like she knew I could be.

But she also was willing to learn along the way. She knew what nonbinary was when we first met. And knew what would be considered today to be the absolute basics of how to treat a nonbinary person. But five years ago that was close to as much knowledge as you could reasonably expect any cishet person to ever have and it wasn't common by any means. But she learned. And she learned quickly. And somehow, some people do not want to acknowledge that part that she played in my life. Some people think I should just accept my station and not push for better. Some people don't truly understand that they might be happy with their place but others aren't as privileged. And yes, having been physically beaten by your ex is fucking awful and nobody should have to have dealt with that but that doesn't mean you understand everything. And neither does a social work degree. I don't fit her idea of someone who's been abused and she doesn't like that. I wasn't abused by a partner and the physical abuse was... Not as prevalent as every other kind. The sexual abuse was a big thing but... Idk. Rn I am not focusing on that very much and I'm grateful for that because if I was, I'm certain it wouldn't go well. The thing I talk about most was the emotional abuse and manipulation as well as the neglect. When I wasn't being told I would get laughed at for wearing emo stuff to school, I was being told my medical condition wasn't bad and I was just looking for attention. I was called a whiner for expressing any pain. And I am not saying I was perfect. But I was a child. I should have been taken seriously and I for damn sure should have been taught the basic skills that one needs to survive. I was told to just pick thing up little by little each day but like? What does that entail? I'd ask for individual steps and be looked at like I was lying. I was consistently treated like filth you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be kept. I didn't ask for any of this. I was handed a shit hand and now I'm making the best of it. But without Sara, I would have never been able to make what I have of myself. She understood me. She saw my pain and validated it and showed me that I wasn't alone in this and proved that she had my back. She proved to me that I could trust her. And. She. Rooted. For. Me. When I was struggling to make it through the hardest parts she was there, urging me onwards with encouraging words. She never tossed me a "Oh, just get over yourself." Or anything like that. She was on my fucking side and she proved that. Beyond a reasonable doubt, she proved that she was trustworthy and behind me every step of the way. She sacrificed and risked for me and the fact that anyone would express disdain for her being credited pisses me off. What was Sarah Wolf doing when I was breaking down over losing all my things in 2016? Blaming me, that's what. What was she doing when I applied for section 8? Telling me it was selfish to apply and that I didn't need it as much as some people so I shouldn't apply. Sara helped me put in the application. She actually pushed me to even do it because I didn't really want to at first. Sara was the driving force behind the best decisions I have made these past few years. Hell, even Yoshi. I made that decision to take him in on my own. But Sara said she thought it was good for me to have an animal. Sarah Wolf said I should listen to Mark and give him away. And now she pretends like it was all her idea when I didn't consult anyone else before making this decision. This was my decision. And Yoshi was one of the absolute best decisions I ever made. Full stop. I made that decision. And one encouraged me to do good while the other tried to guilt trip me for it. Sarah Wolf primarily provided physical needs. And that's great. Totally appreciated. But the advice does not fit my life and I vehemently reject it.

Sara knows me. She spent 20 minutes to an hour a week talking to me about the deepest stuff that Sarah Wolf still has never heard me talk about. Sarah Wolf doesn't know how much I first freaked out when I first had that memory of the rape lodged in my brain. She doesn't know that Grover took some time out of the bar to hug me and tell me he was taking me to Cici's the next day to get my mind off of it. She doesn't know that I wanted to kill myself that night. She doesn't know that Yoshi meowing at me pulled me back from the edge that night. And she certainly doesn't know that imagining Sara's reaction to the news of my death is what gave me resolve to not do it. Because during that time, she was recovering from her spinal surgery. She was out for another month and a half still. And I didn't want her to come back from that to the news that I had killed myself after remembering that I had been violently raped at a very young age by my own father. That's partly what saved me that night. But that alone was what gave me the resolve to stay alive at least until she got back. And when she got back, I ended up telling her... But I had to get a few other things out first. And I said "One more thing and prepare yourself because it's... Really heavy." And she did. And I told her. And there was a moment where time stood still. And she said she didn't know what to say... Kind of stumbled a moment and said that again but added she was here for me and she would do anything she could to support me. And that meant the world to me. I knew she would, too. I knee before I told her. I knew she would be there for me. And she was. She promised and delivered. She never promised anything there was a chance she couldn't deliver. She always told me the truth. She proved time and time again how much she gave a fuck. And I don't respect when people try to doubt her presence in my life as a positive experience.