#like i’m a very sane person i am not dedicating time to hating or arguing with other people

[favroitecrime]

def not into ship wars or whatever and yes yes fully understand shipping ≠ morality but still, there are some ships that turn my stomach

[basshouse]

Of Politics and Road Trips

Welp, it seems like the time has come to address one of the gnarliest and most frequently asked questions of all time.  To be clear, that's gnarly for me and to me, respectively.  I’d also like to memorialize a recent road trip.  Before I start, though, let’s get grounded in the current context: it’s late summer IN MARCH; We are headed intro autumn, and there has been enough early snow that Mount Hutt was open for skiing (what?!?!).  I started my new job at Jade Software; the kids started a new school year in January, with Anily headed off to her first year of high school (5 years of high school here); both kids have changed to a new soccer club, which is much closer to the house (thank god); Anily made the A team; James is playing soccer and basketball and ridiculous amounts of Fortnite.  It’ll soon be a year that we’ve been here. We are right in the middle of a full 12 weeks of visitors and trips from/to the US. And in case you were wondering, the cat has managed to escape through open windows and doors a few times, but he’s always come back so I guess he’s ours for real :-)  

I still haven't submitted my dreadfully complicated tax return.  I am seriously procrastinating, and having visitors and reasons to road trip is helping/hurting. 

So!  BFGFAQ (big fat gnarly...you get it): It’s the political one.  From the Kiwis this usually comes in the form of “are you a Trump refugee?” or “what do you make of what’s going on over there?”  And even if it’s not an explicit question, how can I possibly answer the most frequent Q of all time -- “why did you move to New Zealand?” without considering how the political landscape of the US factored in?  I mean, you don't just up and move across the globe and leave a great place and a fabulous life without at least a mental checklist of pros and cons.  At least, most of us wouldn't.  And if you’re a grown-up (which we sadly have established that I am) and a contributing, aware, member of society (which I would argue that I am), your list must include considerations of the way your taxes are spent and people are treated in the place you live and how the outcomes of those things impact your lifestyle, your life, and the lives of other human beings.  Right? Right!  

MAJOR UPDATE:  A handful of days after I posted this, someone (likely an asshole white supremacist) shot and killed people in a CHCH mosque.  The city is still in lock down as I write this.  It is terrible and sad that  things like this happen anywhere, ever.  And I just want to say that as you read the ideas below, I’ll be watching closely the response of the NZ government.  

If there’s one thing that moving around the world to a place you’ve never been before, with a small family and no friends, and taking up a real life with a paycheck and a rent and a job does really well, it’s create an opportunity to reflect on the differences between where you were and where you are.  It also is extremely useful for considering, in a very real way, how the values you hold are (or are not) reflected in both a political system and a local way of living.  You really notice how political decisions, socioeconomic forces and cultural norms trickle into investments, infrastructure, bureaucracy, language, aesthetics, and interactions that impact you as you move through your day-to-day and learn how to get things done.  And because you’re an observer who is trying to become an insider, you may operate with less bias and pre- disposition to judge, more of a natural curiosity and interest in gathering information and then assimilating it and deciding over time. Chalk one up for perspective!  Happy to say this was the kind of experience and growth I hoped we’d all get through this adventure. 

Now, from the Americans this question usually comes in the form of something like “OMG, are you so glad you’re not here for this?” or “are public healthcare and lack of gun violence really as amazing as they seem from here?”.  Because, like me, most people I talk with on a regular basis feel something like this:

t least you do now, thanks to Willie Wonka’s and friend above, and this: 

So while I am not here in NZ without political bias or personal ideas of what’s right, wrong and important, I am more open minded to considering what’s good for this country and this context, and I have a stronger appreciation for the complexities of things all across the board since I’ve now gathered more data and had more experience. 

So, my American friends, in the interest of helping you draw some of your own conclusions, here is a segment I like to call Fact, Figures and Feelings:

America is amazing.  You have SO much of everything.  Including great food, tons of money, vast political power, and a really noticeable amount of homeless people.  I mean!  When I was in San Jose I felt so conflicted by both where to go for every meal and the fact that to get where I wanted to go I was uncomfortable with my own feelings and anxiety about possible conflict with the homeless and mentally ill folks I passed constantly. And it was often while I was walking into a convention center full of people trying to give away millions of dollars, listening to speakers who had made millions through technology. And while the dog adoption station on site and the furry friends in it made me feel a little better in the moment, could there be anything more cliche? Embarrassing. And yet is it fundamentally bad to have cute dogs making rich people feel good and maybe getting adopted?  No.  But it maybe uniquely American. 

Know what else you have a lot of, USA?  DRAMA.  Seriously.  The NZ morning news is usually about 25-50% reporting on the shitshow that is US and Brexit, and it turns out that when people say “if you get homesick, just listen to the news” they are correct.  

So what about NZ?  Well, when you live in a country with SO MANY FEWER (like so many!) people and a much smaller GDP, your reality is very different.  Not so loud.  Not so busy.  Not so many options. Much much simpler and frankly, it feels more sane. But we know the Mexican food sucks.  So... six of one/half dozen of the other?  This is what I am saying: I cannot tell you if Enchiladas and Aveda products make up for dealing with the opioid crisis if you’re seeing it every day, or if leaving Tito’s vodka and a much higher salary on the table is balanced out by the fact that police here in CHCH carried guns last week and this is how people think about it: 

FUN FACT: During the “summer holidays” (December-Jan), the morning news show on public radio literally went off air.  They replaced it with special summer programming, mostly dedicated to personal profiles and reviews of music and activities.  The only headlines they read each day were almost entirely about the US (shut downs) and UK (Brexit).  Apparently it’s possible for time off to extend to politics and news.  WOW.  Just notice how you feel about that. 

Now, NZ is certainly not the rainbows and unicorns utopia we liberals like to think a place with a public healthcare system and affordable education and far fewer guns will be -- there’s a growing imbalance in the distribution of wealth, the abortion laws are archaic, affordable housing is a big issue, nurses and teachers strike because they don’t get paid enough.

Politics was not the only motivator for our move, but we considered it -- sure seemed like a nice time to be out of the US, and it is.  It’s certainly not a clear #NZFTW-100% -they -nailed-it situation, though.  Every place and every system has its bad sides, and I have a lot to learn to really decide how the pros and cons balance out. All I know is that it’s really, really nice to be in a place where the political conversation is much simpler and more focused on politics and their outcomes on people than on hateful rhetoric. I am disappointed when I think of the lost opportunity due to the amount of resources you are wasting on unproductive, unkind conversations in the USA, when you have so much.  I feel bad for not being there to help stand up for the rights of people I believe in, but when you don't wake up angry every day at the headlines and the people you share space with, when the dialog is a little more open and productive, when the headlines are not so likely to be violent and sad, you start with a much better mental health baseline. You just can’t eat a great caesar salad whenever you feel like it, and it’s expensive as hell to leave the island and you don’t get paid enough to be able to do it often, which may really stress you out. For now, I’m really ok with it. But over time will the flaws in the NZ system (every system has them) outweigh the positive?  Do the opportunities in the US outweigh the negative? 

In the interest of letting you form some your own opinions: Take a look at the the top headlines of 2018 in New Zealand.  They include a pregnant PM; visits from Ed Sheeran, the Royals, and Obama; a handful of natural disasters; a bunch of news about other countries and sports; and the BIG BIG Drama which “unfolded over several deeply uncomfortable days” and ended in a minister being briefly admitted to a mental health facility and broad discussions about mental health.  Consider if the US was as concerned about its politicians’ mental health when they did crazy shit :-). 

Oh also, this is my CEO at work on Friday (hee hee): 

So far this year Lime Scooters (people get hurt on them, and people break the rules and double ride with no helmets -- gasp!) and the potential of a capital gains tax have been in the news pretty much daily. And that’s about it. Boring? Yes! Nice? Also yes! Did you know NZ is the only country in the OECD to not have a CGT? Are you impressed with my knowledge of initialisms? Worldly is the word you’re looking for to describe me.

I know, it looks like I am pooping on a trail, but I am actually doing squats mid-hike IN A SKIRT.  Probably gives me enough credibility to become a world leader, or at least present these numbers for your consideration: 

Now that you have something to think about -- because you weren't already thinking about politics enough (sorry!) -- let’s turn to a less political, but more important spiritual and philosophical topic: The Art of the Road Trip.

Pro tip: It’s easier to be a Road Trip Rembrandt with the right tools -- like these:

Mountains + Vans = Roadtrip Masterpiece

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that one of the things we’ve been doing a lot of is road tripping. Not so different from Seattle, eh? True. But since we can surf so close to the house and we have such a beautiful country to explore and a slightly less active social life, the road trips are more frequent and more varied.  As we are all happiest when we’re in the flow and hitting the right balance between challenge and success, I guess it makes sense.  Because if I do say so myself, we are damn good at the road trip, but there’s no way to have 2 to 6 people in a small space with a lot of stuff and a windy road ahead and podcasts and music to choose without challenge.

#vanlifeisthebestlife.

Here’s a map of where we’ve been on our travels thorough the country so far: 

So what’s the art of the road trip?  Composition: 

And the science?  One part great music, one part planning, and at least two parts having a sense of humor and joy about all the chaos. 

Like when there’s no where for you to sit: 

My most recent road trips were extra awesome due to the fact that Leslie Lapham (AKA Alex, AKA LL) was here and we took off on a few fun adventures. Now, Leslie is great for a lot of reasons and it was super fun to have her here for 5 weeks...and one of her best qualities, she takes great pictures!

Here’s what I like to say about our first trip:  it started with a bang and ended with a bee sting.  

Here’s the bang -- this is what happens when some dickhead decides to pass you on the right at high speed on a highway while you are TURNING RIGHT into a campground: 

So, that sucked.  Especially because aforementioned dickhead did not stop to see if we were ok, just left us there in the dark on our own. Luckily the Taupe Donkey was still drivable and packing enough duct tape to make it work.  So, off we headed from Kaikoura to make ourselves feel better in the vineyards and wineries of Marlborough.  

The Cloudy Bay Winery was not a bad place to spend an afternoon!  

Watson’s Way (not pictured) was a really weird place to spend a night though -- we were basically parked in a gravel parking lot in someone’s yard.  But man, did we have some good food! 

Although oops, I accidentally tried to take a grapevine as a souvenir.  And I swear this was before I even did a tasting!

After wine tasting and an amazing dinner at Arbor, we headed to the Marlborough Sounds, starting at Havelock, the mussel capital of the world!

We did a cool tour on the mailboat, which literally delivers mail, packages, animals, groceries, and god knows what else (possibly the odd tourist by accident?) to the residents of the remote 300 or so bays in the region, which can only be reached by boat. 

We ate a lot, of course.  But we ordered more than we could eat. 

After that we headed south on the inland route and camped overnight at the Tasman Lakes National Park.  

There were eels, pretty views, and random dock yoga.  

And last but definitely not least, we topped off the trip by meeting Jason at the always fabulous Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools.  What a drive to get there, too!  I did get stung by a bee while I was soaking, which was a total and pretty painful shock, despite the signs warning people to watch out for bees.  Little fuckers! 

After that, back to co-working and a couple weekends in CHCH:

Then...Lois!!! 

Now this blog is not about all the visitors and it’s already so long I dare not start going on about having Leslie and Lois here together.  Suffice it to say we had some fun times, some great food, and after 8 hours in the emergency room we did a quick road trip to Oamaru.  There were PENGUINS!!!!

There were penguins!!! We saw them waddle onto the beach at dusk after swimming 50K through the ocean all day.  Alas, you cannot take pictures of them, so you’ll have to settle for 3 Generations of Wachsmuth Women in the Wild until next time.  XO. 

[tak4hir0]

One of my favorite insights on the subject of online community is from Tom Chick: Here is something I've never articulated because I thought, perhaps naively, it was understood: The priority for participating on this forum is not the quality of the content. I ultimately don't care how smart or funny or observant you are. Those are plusses, but they're never prerequisites. The priority is on how you treat each other. I expect spats, arguments, occasional insults, and even inevitable grudges. We've all done that. But in the end, I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. This community is small enough, intimate enough, that I feel it's a reasonable expectation. Indeed, disagreement and arguments are inevitable and even healthy parts of any community. The difference between a sane community and a terrifying warzone is the degree to which disagreement is pursued in the community, gated by the level of respect community members have for each other. In other words, if a fight is important to you, fight nasty. If that means lying, lie. If that means insults, insult. If that means silencing people, silence. I may be a fan of the smackdown learning model and kayfabe, but I am definitely not a fan of fighting nasty. I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what games some of us like or dislike. There's a word for this: empathy. One of the first things I learned when I began researching discussion platforms two years ago is the importance of empathy as the fundamental basis of all stable long term communities. The goal of discussion software shouldn't be to teach you how to click the reply button, and how to make bold text, but how to engage in civilized online discussion with other human beings without that discussion inevitably breaking down into the collective howling of wolves. That's what the discussion software should be teaching you: Empathy. You. Me. Us. We can all occasionally use a gentle reminder that there is a real human being on the other side of our screen, a person remarkably like us. I've been immersed in the world of social discussion for two years now, and I keep going back to the well of empathy, time and time again. The first thing we did was start with a solid set of community guidelines on civilized discussion, and I'm proud to say that we ship and prominently feature those guidelines with every copy of Discourse. They are bedrock. But these guidelines only work to the extent that they are understood, and the community helps enforce them. In Your Community Door, I described the danger of allowing cruel and hateful behavior in your community – behavior so obviously corrosive that it should never be tolerated in any quantity. If your community isn't capable of regularly exorcising the most toxic content, and the people responsible for that kind of content, it's in trouble. Those rare bad apples are group poison. Hate is easy to recognize. Cruelty is easy to recognize. You do not tolerate these in your community, full stop. But what about behavior that isn't so obviously corrosive? What about behavior patterns that seem sort of vaguely negative, but … nobody can show you exactly how this behavior is directly hurting anyone? What am I talking about? Take a look at the Flamewarriors Online Discussion Archetypes, a bunch of discussion behaviors that never quite run afoul of the rules, per se, but result in discussions that degenerate, go in circles, or make people not want to be around them. What we're getting into is shades of grey, the really difficult part of community moderation. I've been working on Discourse long enough to identify some subtle dark patterns of community discussion that – while nowhere near as dangerous as hate and cruelty – are still harmful enough to the overall empathy level of a community that they should be actively recognized when they emerge, and interventions staged. 1. Endless Contrarianism Disagreement is fine, even expected, provided people can disagree in an agreeable way. But when someone joins your community for the sole purpose of disagreeing, that's Endless Contrarianism. Example: As an athiest, Edward shows up on a religion discussion area to educate everyone there about the futility of religion. Is that really the purpose of the community? Does anyone in the community expect to defend the very concept of religion while participating there? If all a community member can seem to contribute is endlessly pointing out how wrong everyone else is, and how everything about this community is headed in the wrong direction – that's not building constructive discussion – or the community. Edward is just arguing for the sake of argument. Take it to debate school. 2. Axe-Grinding Part of what makes discussion fun is that it's flexible; a variety of topics will be discussed, and those discussions may naturally meander a bit within the context defined by the site and whatever categories of discussion are allowed there. Axe-Grinding is when a user keeps constantly gravitating back to the same pet issue or theme for weeks or months on end. Example: Sara finds any opportunity to trigger up a GMO debate, no matter what the actual topic is. Viewing Sara's post history, GMO and Monsanto are constant, repeated themes in any context. Sara's negative review of a movie will mention eating GMO popcorn, because it's not really about the movie – it's always about her pet issue. This kind of inflexible, overbearing single-issue focus tends to drag discussion into strange, unwanted directions, and rapidly becomes tiresome to other participants who have probably heard everything this person has to say on that topic multiple times already. Either Sara needs to let that topic go, or she needs to find a dedicated place (e.g. GMO discussion areas) where others want to discuss it as much as she does, and take it there. 3. Griefing VIDEO In discussion, griefing is when someone goes out of their way to bait a particular person for weeks or months on end. By that I mean they pointedly follow them around, choosing to engage on whatever topic that person appears in, and needle the other person in any way they can, but always strictly by the book and not in violation of any rules… technically. Example: Whenever Joe sees George in a discussion topic, Joe now pops in to represent the opposing position, or point out flaws in George's reasoning. Joe also takes any opportunity to remind people of previous mistakes George made, or times when George was rude. When the discussion becomes more about the person than the topic, you're in deep trouble. It's not supposed to be about the participants, but the topic at hand. When griefing occurs, the discussion becomes a stage for personal conflict rather than a way to honestly explore topics and have an entertaining discussion. Ideally the root of the conflict between Joe and George can be addressed and resolved, or Joe can be encouraged to move on and leave the conflict behind. Otherwise, one of these users needs to find another place to go. 4. Persistent Negativity Nobody expects discussions to be all sweetness and light, but neverending vitriol and negativity are giant wet blankets. It's hard to enjoy anything when someone's constantly reminding you how terrible the world is. Persistent negativity is when someone's negative contributions to the discussion far outweigh their positive contributions. Example: Even long after the game shipped, Fred mentions that the game took far too long to ship, and that it shipped with bugs. He paid a lot of money for this game, and feels he didn't get the enjoyment from the game that was promised for the price. He warns people away from buying expansions because this game has a bad track record and will probably fail. Nobody will be playing it online soon because of all the problems, so why bother even trying? Wherever topics happen to go, Fred is there to tell everyone this game is worse than they knew. If Fred doesn't have anything positive to contribute, what exactly is the purpose of his participation in that community? What does he hope to achieve? Criticism is welcome, but that shouldn't be the sum total of everything Fred contributes, and he should be reasonably constructive in his criticism. People join communities to build things and celebrate the enjoyment of those things, not have other people dump all over it and constantly describe how much they suck and disappoint them. If there isn't any silver lining in Fred's cloud, and he can't be encouraged to find one, he should be asked to find other places to haunt. 5. Ranting Discussions are social, and thus emotional. You should feel something. But prolonged, extreme appeal to emotion is fatiguing and incites arguments. Nobody wants to join a dry, technical session at the Harvard Debate Club, because that'd be boring, but there is a big difference between a persuasive post and a straight-up rant. Example: Holly posts at the extremes – either something is the worst thing that ever happened, or the best thing that ever happened. She will post 6 to 10 times in a topic and state her position as forcefully as possible, for as long and as loud as it takes, to as many individual people in the discussion as it takes, to get her point across. The stronger the language in the post, the better she likes it. If Holly can't make her point in a reasonable way in one post and a followup, perhaps she should rethink her approach. Yelling at people, turning the volume to 11, and describing the situation in the most emotional, extreme terms possible to elicit a response – unless this really is the worst or best thing to happen in years – is a bit like yelling fire in a crowded theater. It's irresponsible. Either tone it down, or take it somewhere that everyone talks that way. 6. Grudges In any discussion, there is a general expectation that everyone there is participating in good faith – that they have an open mind, no particular agenda, and no bias against the participants or the topic. While short term disagreement is fine, it's important that the people in your community have the ability to reset and approach each new topic with a clean(ish) slate. When you don't do that, when people carry ill will from previous discussions toward the participants or topic into new discussions, that's a grudge. Example: Tad strongly disagrees with a decision the community made about not creating a new category to house some discussion he finds problematic. So he now views the other leaders in the community, and the moderators, with great distrust. Tad feels like the community has turned on him, and so he has soured on the community. But he has too much invested here to leave, so Tad now likes to point out all the consequences of this "bad" decision often, and cite it as an example of how the community is going wrong. He also follows another moderator, Steve, around because he views him as the ringleader of the original decision, and continually writes long, critical replies to his posts. Grudges can easily lead to every other dark community pattern on this list. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to recognize grudges when they emerge so the community can intervene and point out what's happening, and all the negative consequences of a grudge. It's important in the broadest general life sense not to hold grudges; as the famous quote goes (as near as I can tell, attributed to Alcoholics Anonymous) Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. So your community should be educating itself about the danger of grudges, the root of so many other community problems. But it is critically important that moderators never, and I mean never ever, hold grudges. That'd be disastrous. What can you do? I made a joke in the title of this post about weaponizing empathy. I'm not sure that's even possible. But you can start by having clear community guidelines, teaching your community to close the door on overt hate, and watching out for any overall empathy erosion caused by the six dark community behavior patterns I outlined above. At the risk of sounding aspirational, here's one thing I know to be true, and I advise every community to take to heart: I expect you to act like a group of friends who care about each other, no matter how dumb some of us might be, no matter what political opinions some of us hold, no matter what things some of us like or dislike.

[jacquclyn-blog]

hi my guys ! name’s honey, i’m 19 and i’m actively doing everything in my power to keep from going back to campus to get my books because that means classes are about to start and...yep, no thanx. anyways, i’ve been eyeing this bad boy and when i saw lizzie the loml got reopened i’d figure hell yeah, let’s do this thing, so here i am and honestly just accept that you’re never getting rid of me. beneath the cut is more on jackie, ofc, so feel free to hmu or just like this and i’ll come to you !! #buyrainbowonitunes

——— woah! wait, was that ELIZABETH OLSEN i just saw walking down mainstreet? no, of course not. that was just JACQUELYN VANCE. they’re TWENTY-SEVEN years old and identify as CISFEMALE. they have been in Alder Heights for TEN YEARS and work as a MAGAZINE EDITOR. i’ve heard they can be OBSTINATE and PEDANTIC on their bad days. but don’t be put off, because JACKIE can also be FERVENT and DISCERNING. no wonder people around here call them the AMARANTH.

born in los angeles, california, jackie grew up very comfortably; both parents are lawyers and during the clinton administration, jackie’s father served as the us ambassador of france. she was nine when they first moved, and was seventeen when her father’s run overseas was finished, and being back home was an interesting transition for her, since she felt like the odd man out considering she’d fallen in love with the french way of life, i guess? she didn’t really want to leave when the time came, but it wasn’t entirely up to her (her least favorite president is w. bush, 3 guesses why lmao) 

instead of going back to la, they moved to alder heights, since her father wanted to continue pursuing a career in government/politics, and it was much closer to dc than la was. her two younger sisters adjusted to life back home a lot easier than jackie did; she wound up completing the last little bit of high school online, since she’d had an accelerated course schedule overseas (she loved school) and would’ve rather been eaten by wolves than go back to public school tbh. she started classes at georgetown uni (rich parents lmao) at seventeen and for awhile, her major was in political science since she had every intention to follow in her father’s footsteps, he was her hero after all

and then somewhere along the line, she realized she didn’t really like political science, she liked having an opinion on and discussing politics, so she moved over into mass communications and her parents weren’t thrilled at all, they totally thought they were going to have a vance legacy and be able to start some family dream team thing and being the oldest, they expected her to be the one to fulfill this, and it definitely started a few fights but they eventually shut up about it just because arguing with her is arguing w a brick wall tbh — they are still slowly coming around, they’re not crazy about it but they still support her, things are Tense, fun times

so she graduated, went on and got her masters, blah blah, fast forward to where jackie finds the job of her dreams at an unnamed, v popular magazine (it’s unnamed bc i want it to be lmao, givE ME TIME but if you need a comparison, think cosmo) and she chased after it hard, like all she wanted to do was be a writer and after spending roughly two years as an assistant, she got promoted to a writer and she loved it, absolutely loved it. got to write about the things she was passionate about, loved the people she worked with, she was living the Dream 

and after a few years of just really, really enjoying her job her higher-ups were like “hey, we’re gonna promote you if you want” and in jackie’s mind she was like, hell yeah, more responsibility, more control, all the things she loves tbh and she took the job as the lifestyle department editor since it was broad and encompassed a lot of the stuff she’d enjoyed writing for and of course, Loved it...to a point

jackie is married to her job, and it’s highkey unhealthy tbh, she’s very very hard on herself and now that she’s moved up in the hierarchy of things she’s beginning to see what they ask of their employees and it’s not always stuff she agrees with? it’s a lot of pressure and she’s beginning to fall out of love with all of it in general, the writing, being responsible for stuff, etc and part of her is like fuck this, i’m over it but at the same time, she’s forcing herself to stick w it because she wants to prove to her parents she can too see their successes in the career path she chose

basically, she’s currently conflicted as hell when it comes to work and is currently a don’t ask, don’t tell type of situation

has begun doing freelance writing on the side?? she doesn’t post or share any of it since most of it is just her rambling and she’s not got that much time to dedicate to it as it is but it’s kinda keeping her sane in the moment and reminding her as to why she loves what she does

her label is the amaranth, one of my faves, which p much means that they’re hard to forget and leave an impression and that’s certainly jackie lmao, she’s got a very strong personality that makes it hard for you to confuse her w anyone else

y’all see the traits up there in that app....that’s Her. she’s the kinda person you want in your corner, not the person you want opposing you bc she will end you and show no mercy

is a sagittarius 

can sometimes let her emotions get the better of her??? she’s stubborn and gets conflicted very easily and that basically just leads to disaster, she’s great at making problems in her life that aren’t a big deal a Big Deal and what she wants, she’ll get it even if she’s got to step on toes or scream really, really loudly for someone to hear her; her parents taught her to never settle and settle she does not

also bilingual, speaks fluent english and french. usually only slips into french when she’s pissed so...beware

connections i’d love to see for jackie (but aren’t limited to, i just know it’ll be a hot second before i get a page up and running!):

best friend  —  self explanatory, obviously, but just give me someone who jackie can sit on the couch and drink wine with in her pajamas, someone who’s got her back if they go out to a bar, her go-to if she’s ever got a company thing and she needs a date last minute, someone who’s gonna butt heads with her when there’s a conflict in either of their lives but they still love one another no matter what *cue true friend by hannah montana in the distance*

sibling like relationship  —  another self explanatory one but jackie’s got a mad mom side to her, she’s v protective of the people she loves so give me someone that might as well be a long lost vance, they do dumb shit together, have each other’s backs, try (and fail) at matchmaking for the other, having a toothbrush with their name on it at their apartment, the works

summer flings!!!!! someone jackie met while she was on vacation or even off on a business thing and they like hooked up and she never in a million years would’ve expected to bump into them back in alder heights......except, she did

tbh just give me a friends-esque group of people for jackie where they all hang out and eat and act like their lives aren’t constantly falling apart, that’d be N*ce too

exesssss!!! the good, the bad, the inescapable, the ones with lingering feelings, the ones that swear they’re over but have a problem every time the other even looks like they’re about to go on a date w someone else, this is free range

college friend   —  basically someone that she met back when she was in college and was the first bit of american companionship that she’d had since she was like, nine?? like i said, she started classes at seventeen, and hadn’t really interacted with anyone since she did online schooling for her senior year; this could’ve been a roommate, someone she had a class with, someone that she met on campus and got coffee with, we can talk this one out obviously but you get the gist!

angst  —  idk what, idk how, i just live for it and i want it thanks

someone who lives near jackie and whether it’s really weird stuff like coming over to ask for some milk to put in their coffee since they’re out and forgot to buy some or they like hang out and have dinner together a few nights a week, switching off and stuff, i think this could be Fun

family friend  —  jackie’s parents are both lawyers and her dad’s been involved in politics for awhile so i can imagine jackie’s gone to her fair share of parties and whatnot, meeting clients and coworkers and all kinds of people so this would ideally be someone she met because their parents were acquaintances/friends; they could’ve met as kids, stayed in touch while jackie was overseas and resumed their friendship years later when the both of them found themselves back in dc, they could’ve met on the more recent end of things, they could totally understand the other’s pain and get along gr8 because someone finally gets it, they could lowkey hate each other bc their parents are rivals/ they’re trying to work through it...the possibilities are endless

and while i’m on the topic of past connections: jackie occasionally had to come back to the us and visit dc while her dad was serving as ambassador (aged 9-17) so if you’re interested, we can totally work something with that

a plot where they’re acquaintances at best, they’ve maybe got mutual friends and therefore they hang out a bit but they’re always arguing w one another for whatever fucking reason, they both probably annoy each other but they’ve got mad sexual tension going on?? maybe they act on it, maybe they don’t, but either way, they lowkey enjoy the bantering and being at one another’s throats even if they act otherwise

[fiction-phan]

Not the Right Time

Summary: Dan and Phil are getting married in a few minutes and Dna couldn't be more excited. At least, until he starts thinking about everything that could go wrong and everything that could change once they get married. And so, he does what any sane groom would do. He runs.

Words: 3.1k 

A/N: Just like I promised yesterday with the excerpt, here is another oneshot based off of this prompt on @phanfic. Enjoy!

Read it on AO3

Dan wasn’t really sure what he was doing. It was almost as if his actions still had not caught up with him and he found himself living in a different moment.

The last thing he really remembered was standing at the altar and waiting for Phil to show up. They were going to get married in a few minutes and Dan couldn’t be happier. At least, that’s what he thought. He’s in love. He loves Phil like he had never loved anyone before so marriage was the obvious choice…right?

That’s what had gone through his head when Phil got down on one knee and proposed. Dan barely even thought about it before he said yes. What was thee to think about? They were in love and had been together for more than six years. They basically already behaved like an old married couple so all that was left was for them to actually get married.

No one was surprised when they announced their upcoming marriage. Some even said that they had been expecting it for years. It left Dan feeling a little disconcerted. Other people seemed to be more aware of what he wanted than he himself was.

He shook off all the negative thoughts going through his head and instead decided to dedicate all his focus to wedding preparations. They didn’t want anything big but their wedding day was going to be one of the most important days of their lives so they wanted everything to be as perfect as possible. Dan forgot all about his worries and reservations amongst preparing invitations and visiting different wedding locations.

Dan really should have known that although doubts and reservations can be pushed to the side momentarily, they cannot be ignored forever. It was just his luck that they all flooded back in as he was waiting for his fiancé at the altar.

A multitude of questions started going through his head. Am I really ready to be tied down? Will things chance between Phil and I once we officially tie the knot? Cue the mental breakdown. All Dan could think about where the multitude of ways in which things could wrong. And so, he does what any sane groom would do in his place. He bolts down the aisle.

He could see all the guests who had already taken their place staring at him flabbergasted but Dan simply didn’t care. He needed to get out of there before he ended up having a panic attack in front of everyone.

Dan ran all the way back to the hotel they were staying at, desperately hoping that Phil had already left their room. He could not have felt more relieved when he entered their bedroom and realised he was all alone. Phil must already have been on his way to the venue. Phil. He felt his stomach drop when he thought of his fiancé, finally arriving at the wedding venue, just to be told that Dan had ditched him.

He had half a mind to go back and explain that it had all been a huge misunderstanding. They would be able to get on with the wedding and it would be as if nothing had even happened. Dan was already opening the door to leave when he paused and realised he couldn’t do that.

There was no doubt whatsoever in his mind that he loved Phil. He wanted to be with him till the end of the line. But marriage? Dan couldn’t deny that his feelings of doubt and worry back at the venue had been completely real. He couldn’t get married knowing that he wasn’t completely sure about it. Phil deserved better than that. He just wished he had realised all this before his actual wedding day.

Phil was going to kill him. How was he supposed to explain to his fiancé that getting ditched at the altar didn’t mean dan didn’t love him? Even thinking about it sounded completely ridiculous.

Dan thought about what Phil must be thinking. He was probably already at the wedding venue at this point and was made aware of the fact that he was nowhere to be found. Would he be mad? Furious enough to come looking for Dan in order to give him a piece of his mind? Or maybe he would choose to focus instead on the crushing disappointment of not finding Dan waiting for him at the altar like they had practiced countless of times before. What if he just burst out crying in front of all the guests at finding out his fiancé had fled? None of the options helped Dan feel any better about himself.

How was he even going to explain himself to Phil? Oh, hey there Phil! Sorry I wasn’t there but something came up. Even thinking about it made Dan wince. Not only was it the worse excuse he could possibly come up with, but it also made him sound like the biggest asshole ever.

Besides, he had no doubts that Phil would be able to see through all his excuses and demand to be told the truth. You don’t date someone for more than six years without learning to tell when they’re lying.

That left Dan with no other option other than to tell the truth. That is, if Phil let himself talk for long enough to explain himself. Not that Dan would blame him if he didn’t. He couldn’t imagine himself managing to somehow stay calm and understanding if it had been the other way around and Dan was the one getting ditched.

Dan should have known him better than that. Should have known that Phil loved him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt even in a situation like this. That is why, when he heard the knock on the door, the last person he expected to see was Phil.

Phil didn’t look as if he had spent the last fifteen minutes crying his eyes out and he didn’t look as if he was considering the idea of punching Dan in the face. He actually looked quite calm considering the situation they found themselves in.

Dan could do nothing but look at his fiancé (was he still his fiancé?) with a gaping face. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t have any idea of where to begin from or how to word it. Phil didn’t talk straight away and so they were left staring at each other in silence.

Phil, seemingly realising that Dan had no real intention of talking, was the one to break the awkward silence that was settling over them. “Are you going to let me in so we can actually talk or are you just going to stand by the door and look at me like a fish out of water?”

Dan quickly snapped out of his stupor and stepped back in order to allow Phil to walk in. He was completely out of his depth. Why wasn’t Phil yelling at him, screaming, throwing punches? Okay, so maybe I wasn’t expecting Phil to suddenly start punching me in the face but I definitely wasn’t expecting him to be so calm either. Phil was acting as if this was just like any other day and they were about to have a very normal conversation.

Phil sighed and rolled his eyes. At this point, Dan was actually pleased to see such a reaction. He was done with all the pleasantries and the complete avoidance of the topic at hand. Dan wasn’t proud of what he did but there was no point denying it any longer.

“I fled our wedding”, he blurted, pretty much stating the obvious.

“I know.”

Dan waited for Phil to say something else but was left disappointed. Was this what Phil was playing at? The silent treatment? Dan couldn’t help but think that abandoning someone at the altar deserved something harsher than the silent treatment but he wasn’t about to point that out to Phil.

“I’m sorry," he said, and instantly found himself wanting to take it back. That was nowhere near close to the things he had thought of saying to Phil while he was alone in the room.

Phil seemed to agree that his apology was lacking in a lot of things since he was looking at him in what appeared to be disbelief. “I’m sorry? And here I thought I would get a little more than that, considering I was ditched at my own wedding," he pointed out, making Dan wince. “An explanation maybe?”

Dan knew he was right. They had spent months planning for this wedding, wanting it to be something they both enjoyed. He was already lucky Phil was even giving him the chance to explain himself. Thinking he could get away without having to explain anything was expecting too much. They couldn’t go back to their life as if nothing had happened. This time, it had not just been the two of them. There were guests who had seen the whole thing.

Now Dan just needed to somehow find the right words to explain himself without ruining things. Or at least, without ruining them more than he undoubtedly already had.

“I love you,” he said, thinking that would be a good place to start. He needed Phil to understand that all of this did not happen out of some realisation that he did not love Phil as much as he had originally thought.

A part of Dan couldn’t help but hope that Phil knew this already and he wasn’t doubting Dan’s love for him. He wouldn't have shown up at their room and calmly demanded an explanation if he was unsure. “I really do love you,” he continued. “I just don’t know if we’re doing the right thing. We’re happy with the way things are right now. Do we really have to change anything?”

Dan didn’t miss the relief that spread over Phil’s face at being told that he was still very much in love with him. He couldn’t help but hate himself a little bit more. How could he have made Phil, the most important person in the world for him, feel as if he was not loved? If they somehow managed to get through this, Dan was going to make sure that Phil knew exactly how much he was loved.

Phil could only look at him in confusion. “Where is all this coming from? We talked about marriage many times before I proposed and you always seemed to be in favour of the idea. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me if I wasn’t completely sure it was what you wanted. Besides, you said yes.”

Dan couldn’t really argue with that. It wasn’t as if Phil sprung out a proposal at him out of nowhere. The both of them had brought up the topic throughout the years. At first, the both of them agreed that they were still too young or the relationship was too new. Both of them had always considered marriage to be a possibility in the future.

As time went on, the idea of getting married stopped seeming like such a faraway dream and started becoming more of a reality. By the time Phil proposed, they were both on board with the idea of getting married, buying a house and finally adopting the dog they had been talking about for ages.

Dan still wasn’t entirely sure what changed. He still wanted the house, and he most definitely still wanted the dog. He just wasn’t sure if getting married really fit into the picture for him anymore. He loved what they had going on for them right now. They were being the most open they had ever been with their viewers, where they weren’t hiding their relationship as much anymore. What if all that changed after they got married? Dan didn’t want their whole dynamic to change, not now that everything was going so well.

“Only you would get cold feet on the day of your wedding and decide to blow the whole thing off,” Phil said, sitting down on the bed. At least he didn’t sound mad. Just exasperated, and really tired. “Not meaning to judge, but couldn’t you have thought about all of this before you were at the altar?”

Dan could only smile sheepishly and shrug. He was shocked that things didn’t seem to be going as bad as he initially expected. Phil still hadn’t said anything about breaking things off because Dan fled the wedding. Maybe things could still be fixed between them. He tried not to think about all the guests they invited to the wedding who were probably still waiting for an explanation of what was going on. Dan was definitely not looking forward to that conversation.

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he said, hoping Phil could understand that dan had never meant for any of this to happen. “I know that I made a right mess of things. You have no idea how much i wanted to forget about everything and just come back to you so we could get married but I couldn’t do it. You deserve better than to marry someone who is not completely certain of what they really want to do.”

This was the moment Dan had been expecting from the second he got to the empty room and realised he had abandoned Phil at the altar. Phil was going to realise that there was going to be no wedding today and he was going to leave him.

Phil seemed to be thinking really hard over the situation, and Dan couldn’t blame him. What he did today was horrible and he didn’t have any doubts that Phil was feeling hurt over it, even though he was good at not showing it. If what he wanted was a break, that’s what Dan would give him, even if it would crush him. It was the least he could do.

Phil surprised him yet again by standing up and walking closer to pull Dan in for a warm hug. Dan could feel himself relax in the arms of the man he loved and genuinely felt as if he could cry over the relief that he could feel washing over him.

He didn’t know how he had gotten so lucky but, somehow, Phil understood. He understood that Dan loved him very much but was just not ready to get married.

“You know it’s going to be a nightmare explaining to all of our guests that we’re still together but we’re not getting married today, right?” Phil asked, making Dan groan. “I’m going to make you explain things to them just for ditching me instead of talking to me about your worries.”

“I hate you,” Dan said, but they both knew what he really meant. I love you. Thank you for understanding why I couldn’t do this.”

*

A year later…

If you were to tell Dan that, a year later, he would be the one getting down on one knee to propose to Phil, he would have laughed. Yet that’s exactly what happened.

He never regretted postponing the wedding. Getting married was something he needed to think about and Dan could only be grateful over having taken the time to do just that even if it meant having to explain to all the guests that the wedding was off yet also reassuring their devastated families that they were still together. Needless to say, that did not go over very well.

A year later, they were back in the same situation. It was the day before the wedding, yet Dan wasn’t feeling very nervous. Thinking back to the last time they were in the same hotel, he couldn’t help but laugh. He had been a nervous wreck and, to this day, he wasn’t really sure why he was convinced was such a good idea when the only emotion going through his body was fear.

Things were different this time around. Dan was looking forward to the upcoming day and he was excited to finally get to call Phil his husband. He was going to walk to the altar and he was going to wait for Phil to get there so they could finally get married without a glitch. There would be no running off this time.

It wasn’t until they were getting ready to go to bed that Dan realised Phil was feeling a lot more nervous than he had previously let on. His fiancé kept looking at him worriedly and Dan was getting tired of being asked whether he was sure about the wedding or not.

He couldn’t help but feel relieved when Phil finally decided to open up about his worries in the darkness of their hotel room. “You’re not going to run away again, are you? I can’t walk up to an empty aisle again Dan. Once was bad enough, but I couldn’t take it again.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel guilty all over again. Even though he did not regretting deciding to put off the wedding, he did regret having waited till the wedding day to come up with his decision. Phil had thought he had ditched him and kissed their relationship goodbye, even for just a few minutes and that was a regret that Dan would always have to carry around with him.

It would be stupid to blame Phil or feel offended over him thinking that way when he had every right to. Dan did it once, what was keeping him from doing it again? It was up to him to show Phil that he really did mean it this time. He wanted to get married and finally get to call Phil his husband.

“I know this is scary, especially with what happened last time,” Dan said, hoping he was being reassuring. “I promise that this time I’m going to be right there at the altar waiting for you. I love you and I want us to get married. I wouldn’t have proposed if I wasn’t completely sure of what I wanted. Do you trust me?”

Dan didn’t think he ever felt as in love as when he felt Phil nodding against his shoulder. “I trust you.” After everything he made him go through, the pain, the disappointment…Phil still loved him.

“Then you have to trust that I’ll be there tomorrow. I won’t let you down again, I promise.”

*

The next day, after a beautiful ceremony and quite a few tears, Dan could happily say that he was finally Daniel James Howell-Lester and he couldn’t be happier. Now they just needed to adopt a dog.

A/N: This oneshot was shorter than what I usually write but I still love it and hopefully you did as well.

As usual, don't forget that your lovely comments are what gives me the motivation to keep on going and writing so make sure to let me know what you think.

If you have any prompts in mind that you would like for me to write, let me know.