#like i think our dynamic would b so different if i was a cis woman

[thefleshyougoveggie]

that trans moment when you can’t help but wonder if they’d like u if u were cis….

[wetwareproblem]

@shyocean I’m moving this to a new post because a) the OP doesn’t need us clogging his notes with a tangential discussion and b) that post was already getting p long and this is a new tangent.

First off, I want to thank you for publicly stepping up and admitting your mistakes. That takes strength of character that’s all too rare. It’s pretty clear that you’re well-intentioned, at least, so I’ll try to respond in kind. Putting it under the fold to spare my followers’ dashes; this is going to be long, because it’s important to me to communicate it all clearly.

I want to open this by acknowledging that you have apologized and no longer stand by your earlier posts. I would accept your apology if it were my place to, but I am not the wronged party; I have no further quarrel with you. Nothing I say here is intended to cast blame or judgment; I’m not interested in that, so much as unpacking the patterns of thought that brought us to this juncture. You love rhetoric, right? As do I. Words are beautiful, powerful things; and both of us put a lot of thought and care into the words we choose and the impact we want them to have. Words matter, you’re absolutely right about that; and I wish that more people thought that way.

But if we compare the words you criticize to the words you use... there’s something that leaps off the page, to me. A distinct and marked difference in the lenses you apply to men and non-men. I don’t think this is deliberate by any stretch, but... the patterns are there.

Take a look at how you talk about me vs how you talk about Saint, for instance: I was “triggered into a fight response,” but Saint was “excoriating” that poor cis woman. Except... I’ve read and reread and re-reread Saint’s comments in those screenshots, and I don’t see excoriation. I don’t even see belligerence. Saint is a little prickly, but frankly showing laudable restraint and civility, keeping to a strict factual explanation of the problems with what the cis respondent is saying.

I, on the other hand, wasn’t “triggered” at all - I was pulling aggro. I was making a deliberate and conscious choice to be loud and aggressive and hostile in the hopes that the apparent bully would come after me instead of the folks they were targeting. So we have a woman deliberately being a belligerent pain in the ass, and a man who’s being remarkably civil in response to direct provocation... but it’s the man you’re challenging as out of line, and the woman you’re excusing because triggers. Why do you think that might be?

Or let’s look at the inciting incident itself: Avery vents and makes a boundary statement, and this is echoing abuse because it’s Guaranteed to get a response. Saying "you’re echoing abusive rhetoric” to an abuse survivor venting about the trauma he’s exposed to seems... pretty likely to get a Not Great response from where I’m sitting.

Or look at who’s entitled to what spaces: Avery‘s personal blog is effectively public because a cis woman might hear it, but said cis woman is not at fault for doing exactly the thing she’s been asked not to in notes that are pushed to the guy who specifically said he didn’t want to see it.

And then there’s the big one: Saint is “excoriating” the poor cis woman, who can’t help but have a “fawn response.”

If there’s one part of this post you give your full attention to, please make it this one.

Take gender out of the equation and focus on the words and interpersonal power dynamics, and a very different picture emerges. Let me try to illustrate using an axis of marginalization we can both speak to:

Avery: I don’t care about [singlet]’s feelings on issues related to [plural systems]! [Singlet]: Not even if they’re positive? Saint: Correct! Because [singlets] need to stop speaking over [plural systems], if they want to be positive and uplifiting then they need to be uplifting our voices. [Plural systems]’ issues are not about [singlets] and we don’t need their opinions on our lives! We need them to help us get the resources, medical care, legal support, and platform that we lack.

To my eye, there’s nothing hostile or aggressive in what Saint is saying here; quite the contrary, he’s being very polite, just firm. He answers the question, explains his reasoning, and ends on telling her what she can do if she feels a need to Do Trans Man Positivity.

[Singlet]: My opinion is that [plural systems] are [people]. That’s it. I’m not trying to over speak with that opinion. I want them to feel valid. My opinion is that they are valid.

*record scratch* What the fuck? Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag. While the sentiments are nice on the surface, literally the only sentence of this response that doesn’t reek of aggression and abuse is “That’s it.” The first two should be obvious; the third and fourth are subtler. “My opinion is...” the thing she was just explicitly asked not to give here. She’s very directly stating that Avery and Saint’s boundaries matter less than her getting to say what she wants. “I’m not trying to...” She’s literally speaking over them with that comment; I hate how the word “gaslighting” gets thrown around but this is a pretty blatant example.

“I want them to feel valid. My opinion is that they are valid.” How can this be aggressive, you might ask? It’s validating, isn’t it? Saint already touched on this, but... there’s an interesting rhetorical trick at play here: If you present something not as a new idea, but as assumed background information, people have a very strong tendency to accept it without question. It’s part of our pack and groupthink tendencies - nobody wants to be the one dumbass who didn’t get the memo. Skilled orators, abusers, and manipulators alike will use this as a weapon.

And indeed, that’s exactly the pattern that repeats through the rest of the exchange. Saint again tells her, civilly but firmly, that she is speaking over trans men in harmful ways. She doubles down on it. To (admittedly uncharitably) paraphrase what I’m seeing in her response:

“I would never question the validity of trans men because I’m so supportive, but it’s definitely a matter of debate. Isn’t that just awful, how your very existence is totally questioned? Not that I’m questioning it, I’m just supporting trans men by focusing on what’s important: The fact that your existence is up for debate.”

This is a pattern of abuse. What’s more, it’s one that tends to be more common, in my experience, among women who abuse than men. She’s trying to undermine his firm stance by introducing the ‘question’ of his legitimacy, trying to establish control over the focus and direction of the discussion (ignoring his issues to talk about unrelated ones), and most insidiously laying the groundwork for a DARVO. She’s the beleaguered martyr just trying to be helpful and supportive to those mean, nasty, ungrateful men. Which conveniently gets reinforced by the biases we, as a society, bring to the conversation: Men are active and aggressive, while women are passive and submissive. In the hands of an abuser, (white) female victimhood becomes a weapon.

That is what I meant when I said you had the abuser:survivor rhetoric relationship backward. Abusers wield the rhetoric and status of victims like knives.

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[yoolee]

Hey, so I’m thinking I may be ace but not entirely sure? I have zero desire nor interest to have sex nor do I see people in a sexual light (not very often anyways). I keep doubting myself that since I haven’t been in a relationship that perhaps I just “have to wait for the one” but I really couldn’t care less about who I get with (man or woman, I don’t really have a preference)or when. I think that I *am* ace but then again I keep doubting myself. Any advice on how to figure out such things?

OH MY GOD APPARENTLY I HAD A LOT OF THOUGHTS ON THIS SORRY.

TL;DR - BRAINS ARE WEIRD. BODIES ARE WEIRD. BOTH ARE INVOLVED IN SEXUAL ATTRACTION and both are dynamic - so try not to worry about fitting a single definition for all time, and go easy on yourself - your body feels what it feels and what’s right for you.

In this LITERAL SIX PAGE ESSAY I will ramble more:

CAN I CONDENSE THIS into bullet points let’s try:

It’s okay not to define yourself. We all learn things about ourselves as we grow and experience things, and (as a whole) sexual attraction isn’t a one-time-done-deal (though aspects may be)

It’s typically easier to know what we DON’T WANT than it is to know what we DO, so don’t feel weird about not knowing for sure

The media has NO IDEA how often or how little people think about sex and trust me the answer to that question varies WILDLY.

Check out AVEN to read about experiences and see if any of them feel like yours.

Know that level of sexual interest fluctuates over time based on all kinds of inputs (age, medication, other people, stress), so don’t worry too much about changes from your baseline limited/no interest - it’s a bucket, not a pre-measured dose.

If you DO decide to try a relationship or try physical intimacy, do it for YOU not because you feel like you should, and be upfront with your partner about your baseline interest levels before you make it to a bed (or wherever else you choose to instigate)

If you decide it’s not something you want to explore, but you still want an intimate or romantic relationship with someone - know that it’s absolutely possible, more common than you might think, and definitely doable. It may take a few tries, and a few awkward conversations, but those get easier. 

OKAY NOW THE LONG ASS VERSION SORRY

It’s okay not to define yourself. We all learn things about ourselves as we grow and experience things, and (as a whole) sexual attraction isn’t a one-time-done-deal (though aspects may be)

I don’t think how you feel about sex is something you figure out once and are done with, so I’d encourage you to be open to the idea that your definition for yourself may flex a little or change with factors like age or medication that you’re on or the people you’re with, and that’s okay! And it may not, that’s also okay! Bodies and brains are weird and also dynamic, sometimes things are hard coded (whether or not cilantro tastes like soap!) Some things vary over predictable pattern (generally, kiddo taste buds are wired to prefer sweet and this, generally along a predictable sort of timeline, decreases as they age) and sometimes WHO THE FUCK KNOWS (why does person A prefer A dark roast coffee and person B a medium roast and person C thinks both taste like mud and would like to stick to their peppermint tea, please, which person D - Lee - can’t even stand the barest, faintest, tiniest sip of it?) and sometimes the right circumstances make the difference (Person F may hate brussel sprouts - unless grandma makes them with her magic balsamic vinegar, but it’s not the same when Aunt E tries) point being - give yourself some grace if you don’t feel like you perfectly fit one single bucket at all points in your life.

 Consider, to go back to food - Sally KNOWS she’s allergic to peanuts and that cilantro tastes like soap. These are hard coded. So even without trying a Thai stiryfry with peanut sauce, she knows it’s not for her. Less clearly life or death, she’s not a fan of catfish, just because the texture is kind of rubbery, even though her sister loves it. How does she feel about seabass? Dunno, she hasn’t had it. If she has a general idea that seafood’s not her thing, cool - plenty of other things to eat (in this metaphor, plenty of other kinds of relationships to have with people! Physical intimacy is only one) if, one day, she decides to try it, she may learn she likes it, and she also may learn she likes seabass EVEN LESS than catfish. But she can also live her whole life not knowing for sure, and--who cares what her seafood preference is? Why does she have to tell anyone - unless she’s going over to someone’s house and they ask what she likes so they can serve it, and she can tell them, definitely no peanuts or cilantro, not a huge fan of seafood (or, not a huge fan of seafood but if you have a recipe you really like, I may be willing to try it? Both are okay). It may also turn out that the first time she had it, she kinda liked it, but then she had it prepared by someone else and, nope, gross and weird. There’s all sorts of reasons why what tasted one way today will taste different tomorrow. Not everything changes like that (see, peanuts - or, in this metaphor, your kind of baseline) but it may fluctuate a bit in a number of directions, based on a number of factors, internal and external (who prepares the seabass! Is it fresh?) 

 The internet is often one of the few safe spaces for people to openly, proudly define themselves from a sexual identity perspective, so you see a lot of folk doing so - and that’s GREAT. But I PROMISE YOU there’s a HUGE POPULATION who is right there with you going...am I this? Or that? Why don’t I know? 

It’s typically easier to know what we DON’T WANT than it is to know what we DO

Seriously. It is. Maybe you aren’t sure if you want to kiss someone or not. I bet you DO know that you DON’T want to kiss rusty chainsaw blade dripping mysterious green goo. While there are personalities that are very good at clear decisions and classifications (I want to eat at Restaurant A because I want tacos and Restaurant A is the first restaurant I know of that serves tacos) there is also an equally common personality that is wired towards possibilities. (I could eat tacos. But pasta also sounds good, and so does baingan ka bharta.) For the latter, it’s usually easier to focus in on, I don’t know what I want but I know I do NOT want a sandwich. And that’s okay

(related - sometimes our bodies don’t even know we’re hungry. Are we? Or are we thirsty? WHO KNOWS) 

Hopping back to Sally and her seabass. Sally knows for sure she’s not into catfish. She’s never eaten catfish, but they freak her out and her stomach flips over just thinking about it. Cool. But seabass? She doesn’t feel that immediate stomach flip aversion. But her mouth doesn’t water either. She KNOWS her sister tried it and love it. But you know what? Her sister also likes reality TV so her judgement? Different than Sally’s. 

Whether she wants to try it one day or not doesn’t change anything except what tense she can use when talking about it. If she tries it, maybe she’ll learn she LOVES seabass. Maybe she’ll learn she only likes it when a particular chef makes it, and only if it’s seasoned with chili flakes first. And, also, honestly, maybe she will try it, and it will make her sick and lead to a miserable 24 hours in the bathroom and a wish she’d never tried it. That’s a risk. It’s up to Sally if she wants to take it, and whether she does or not, NOBODY ELSE’S BUSINESS except hers and the potential chef making it.

Society is weird about this SO WEIRD and puts SO MUCH PRESSURE - ignore it. There is no ‘normal’ when it comes, specifically, interest level in engaging with sexual activities

If you find yourself pressured to ‘try’ - ask yourself how much of it is YOU and how much of it is SOCIETY. It’s okay to try if you want to, or you’re curious. BUT if you’re trying because you think you ‘should’ I’m gonna tell you flat out and point blank that you are probably going to be in for a very uncomfortable experience, literally and figuratively. And y’all listen. Media does NOT align with reality. It does a lot of people a hug disservice with its prevalent narratives about sex drives. Some of the horniest people I know are cis women in their forties, and I knew teenage cis guys embarrassed and worried that all they wanted was to cuddle when movies were shoving down their throats that they should be thinking sex 24/7. Don’t assume anything about your potential partners.

You don’t have to try something if your gut says, not for you. 

Personal experience? I’ve had to break off relationships with some good people (and some shitty ones) because I was hoping for something to click into place and it never did. Those were harder to end than the ones where the other person did something bad or dumb or stupid, because there wasn’t any one thing I could point to. But as much as it sucked to dump people I liked but didn’t connect with on levels I had hoped, I think we both learned stuff, and it wasn’t time wasted. Others, I was better prepared to say up front, and we explored other options together that we both got something out of, and they ended for other reasons (....usually me being like, ugh, other people and their emotions, no thanks, but, I’m also kind of a self-centered bitch, full disclosure, which you could probably guess from the fact I am STILL TALKING)

Communication is key

To that point, if you ever find yourself in a relationship that seems to be drifting from casual to serious, COMMUNICATE. Tell your partner up front that hey, you’re not sure sex is for you, you’re not into intimate touch, are they okay with that. If NO, you’ve saved both of you some future heartache, if YES, then it’s on the table to talk about later and explore--or not--together. And you don’t have to worry about how or when to bring it up for the first time. The earlier you do it, the less stressful it will be, promise, because you can lay that casual tidbit, and it’s out there. Communication is key. 

You don’t owe society sex, and you don’t owe your partner sex, not even to see if it’s for you or not. But you do owe them communication and honesty. If physical intimacy is something your partner needs to feel fulfilled in a relationship, and it’s not for you - then a romantic relationship may not be right for you both. It’s okay not to know that up front as long as you communicate it may be a possibility and get their buy-in, and communicate when you ARE sure. As much as that sucks, it’s a thing just like any other (like, person A wants kids and person B doesn’t - there are some things were there isn’t exactly a compromise, and everyone ends up miserable - baseline expectations around sexual needs can be one of them).

It’s easier than it sounds - Hey, not gonna lie, you’re cute and this is fun but kissing is as far as it goes for now. Hands there don’t really do it for me. Before this goes further, I just want to be upfront that I consider myself ace, so I don’t really see sex happening. Before this goes further, I’m pretty new at the whole sex thing and honestly not sure it’s really for me, so I need you to go slow. Etc etc etc. Most of the time you get an ‘okay’ and life goes on. Sometimes they ask questions in which case, shiny! Communication! Answer honestly, and ask in return. 

You’re not drawing up a legally binding contract about you will or won’t do - you’re just aligning expectations, and check in with them when they change. 

 Check out stories!

Check out AVEN. Even within asexuality, there’s a lot of variability in how people define themselves - read some of the experiences and see if any of them feel close enough to yours that the definition feels ‘right’ for you. If not, don’t sweat it! Just means you’re still exploring. Some people find they can masturbate but once another person is involved, it’s a no-go. Others find that it takes a long time to ramp them up but it’s possible with a patient partner they trust. Others never feel anything. Others are okay with it in the moment, but don’t spontaneously feel their own desire to instigate it. Asexuality is a pretty welcoming variety!

 Sex drive is impacted by a lotta things

Know that lots of things impact sex drive in particular. Like. Again, for cis women, the data suggests the more you have sex the more you want it - it can ramp up like that. Also, some people get going with visuals (pictoral imagination, porn, naked people in front of them) but a LOT of people need WORDS (legit, why do you think romance novels are such a booming business?) this can come in things partner says or, you know, written erotica (Just like with porn though you have to be careful - recommend Smart bitches, trashy lit) 

It doesn’t necessarily remain static over time. For example, medication and age are both two big inputs to this (ask any nursing home staff - I’m deadly serious. It’s honestly a little concerning because of dementia and consent issues, but like, it’s a thing for sex drives to WILDLY SPIKE in 80 somethings) you could be in a lull, or impacted by meds (for example, hormonal BC is pretty well known to suppress sex drive, and yet, being pregnant--which hormonal BC supposedly mimics to an extent--tends to make some folk absolutely and unexpectedly nutters for physical sensation)

It can be kinda shocking to go, like, years without any interest in sex as an activity or people as sexual partners, and then all of a sudden hormones whallop you upside the head and scream at you do something about them - that doesn’t mean WHO YOU ARE has changed. It just means your biology is responding to something. ANd listen 

L I S T E N

If we knew HOW, consistently, to turn attraction on and off? That would be a thing.

We don’t.

Like. One of the weird ass symptoms of SLEEP PARALYSIS of all things, which is basically, a nightmare you have where you think you’re awake but you aren’t (you ARE semi conscious) and you can’t move, is the idea of an incubus hanging out in the room, because people feel like spontaneously aroused. And we have NO IDEA WHY. And it’s NOT ALL THE TIME. ANd yet it’s documented across CULTURES across TIME, it’s a THING. 

So. 

If your body is not doing something other bodies are doing - well, it’s doing what it needs to to be your body. If your body suddenly stops or starts doing something, and it concerns you (sudden appearance of sex drive! Sudden vanishing of it!) talk to a doc. 

Otherwise - your hair gets longer, sometimes you get freckles where you never had them before, your tastebuds change. This is just one more thing on the list of shrug.

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Charmed Reboot 1x01, Pilot -- Review

I had a dream last night. A dream in which I was watching the Charmed reboot. I woke up this morning and I thought, “what the heck, why not?” So I’ve decided to put myself through watching this reboot. Before, I had always told myself no matter how curious I get, that I would never ever touch this reboot. I grew up with OG Charmed. In a lot of ways, that show hugely impacted on who I became as an adult. And it definitely was what started my love for supernatural based shows. In a lot of ways, I critique shows based on what I learned from watching Charmed as a pre-teen and teenager. Charmed has so deeply ingrained itself into me and developed my sense of what I like in characters, relationship dynamics and story-telling in general. Now don’t get me wrong, there were flaws in OG Charmed but that also played a part in how I critique stories; being able to accept the flaws. So when I heard about this reboot, I vowed I would never touch it because it’s going to be impossible to keep a level head and be unbiased about it. But I think now is the time to break that vow and see if I can stomach this reboot. 

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking there will probably be spoilers. I haven’t quite decided how in-depth I’m going to get into the episode but just take this as the spoiler warning. If you haven’t seen the pilot episode of the Charmed reboot but have plans to in the future, maybe skip this. You’ve been warned. 

So first off, how do I feel about this episode? As a general critique, it moves way too fast. Like Shadowhunters style fast. You just move from scene-to-scene to squeeze dialogue in to explain what’s going on and then move on to the next scene. It doesn’t really give you anytime to stew and understand the characters or feel for the characters or the story being told. It’s like being on a roller coaster, it just takes you up and down the drops without giving you a chance to breathe. While it may be a thrilling ride, you have no concept of understanding or empathizing with what’s actually going on. 

Another thing I want to call attention to are the special effects used in this show. Now, I’m not a special effects snob, I don’t get mad when a tv show with a limited budget doesn’t use top-notch special effects. But I feel fine critiquing this show for their special effects because they are trying way too hard with their special effects. It’s just a simple a paranormal-supernatural show, you don’t need crazy special effects. And the special effects the show is employing aren’t even all that great to begin with but the fact that they are putting such an emphasis on it is calling attention to how bad and humorous it is. Like, its okay to have low budget special effects, I don’t care about the special effects but when you’re trying so hard to make bad special effects look pretty and flashy, you’re really just calling more attention to it and I’m more likely to notice the flaws in it. It was really difficult for me to take a lot of these scenes seriously because the special effects were just so in my face and it was frankly kind of funny to watch. 

The acting was also kind of sub-par but that’s okay. This is only the pilot episode, sometimes shows take a few episodes before actors really start settling in to the chemistry with each other and their individual roles. 

Now the main issue with why I had been avoiding this show became very apparent within this episode and that is the “in-your-face feminism”. And I say this as someone who identifies as being feminist. I love feminist shows, I love shows featuring strong women, and I want shows to tackle social issues like rape culture and the divide between men and women. But what I do not appreciate is a show preaching. There’s a difference between tackling social issues and calling attention to them and incorporating them in your story vs preaching them. And that is exactly what it feels like this show is doing. There was no subtlety in how this episode dealt with social issues. And what I appreciate a lot in the shows I watch is subtlety. I like when shows tackle social issues but within the confines of their own story universe. I watch tv to escape from real life, not to be reminded of it so flamboyantly. So I’m hoping future episode will be more subtle about it. Plus, I’m worried these episodes are always going to fall back on the premise of “cis-men are evil”. In a MoftW show, I’d like to see a little more variety. 

Like for instance, we have this really smarmy guy that basically epitomizes rape culture and was sticking up for another guy using the old “he said, she said” argument and saying that invalidates the woman’s claims of sexual assault because there’s no proof. A very familiar story, I’m sure we can all relate to that. So the guy witnesses the climactic battle with the MotW for this episode and Harry the Whitelighter says he has to erase the guy’s memories. But the girls are like, “don’t bother, he should get a taste of his own medicine, he should understand what its like to tell a story and not be believed”. And I understand what they’re doing here, and in most circumstances I might even appreciate it but here, he was technically an innocent, he was just impaled with an icicle and then healed, despite defending a guy who probably did sexually assault someone, he really hasn’t done anything bad. So he’s just supposed to sit and live through this otherworldly trauma that he can’t explain or make sense of? Its just something that doesn’t sit well for me that our heroes did. Essentially choosing who is worthy of their protection from this magical world. 

But also, there were things I did like in this episode too. For one thing, subverting the whole trope of “anger is the trigger for magical abilities”. We have Mel who has the ability to freeze time however there’s a segment in which she can’t figure out how it works. And Mel is a very angry individual but she soon realizes that her powers only work when she isn’t angry. And I kind of liked that touch to it. 

I also really liked the explanation of their abilities. Like its made clear that the abilities like telekinesis and freezing time and reading thoughts is not something specific to them but in fact are gifts that often manifest in a lot of witches. What makes them particularly special is the intrinsic magic in them as a group and not so much their separate abilities. 

So far right now, my favorite character is Maggie. I dig her whole free spirit and sensitivity with a side helping of insecurity and I’m interested in seeing where her journey takes her. Macy is also pretty interesting in the sense that she applies science to her witchcraft and wants to embark on this Charmed journey to understand witchcraft from a scientific perspective. So I’m interested to see where the show goes with that. Mel is going to take a little getting used to. She’s the main one who is not very subtle with the feminism themes and has the anger issues. I’m not very fond of her essentially being written as this in your face feminist while also being super angry all of the time. Which is how a lot of society typically views feminists. They view us as overbearing and angry and I would appreciate it if the show doesn’t continue to perpetuate that stereotype.  

But overall, I had some qualms about it but its not too terribly bad of a episode. There were times when I laughed when I was supposed and I laughed when I wasn’t supposed to. So despite its flaws, I still kind of enjoyed myself so I may continue on with this journey. I would give this episode a B-. Enjoyable but also not something all that special or noteworthy of. So far, the dream I had of the reboot last night was way more interesting but then again dreams are often that way. 

[thedeadflag]

so this is something I've been mulling over for a while now - do you reckon it'd be possible to make a version of a/b/o that isn't fundamentally transphobic, or would it reach the point of "this is so different that you might as well not call it a/b/o" before that? off the top of my head you'd have to take out all elements of g!p, mpreg, and biological essentialism, and it'd probably be possible to write a version of a/b/o with that framework, but I don't know if I'm missing anything.

a/b/o is a reactionary trope that relies on cissexism-derived biological essentialism to function. Like, that’s the engine that powers the bdsm/power dynamics, cisheteronormative breeding/family building, “dub/non-con”, etc. elements that draw people to it, and led people to create it in the first place. 

Like, my best attempt at describing a non-transphobic, non-shitty typical a/b/o adjacent fic would include:

Werewolves (let’s face it, werewolves can be really cool if written well, and there’s a lot of really good ways to write them, a lot of ways to subvert tired subtropes within the trope)

Found Family-focused family/pack building (because wolves often adopt wolves from other packs into their own, blood lineage isn’t really a thing; much like vampires being created, newly turned werewolves of any age can be considered their sire’s child; if it needs to have a pregnancy arc between two men or two women, there’s IVF/IUI, or magically/spiritually-induced pregnancies, and of course writing a fully fledged complex trans character with their own non-pregnancy arc and virtues/flaws/goals/etc. and getting relevant trans beta writers who aren't your friends to keep it on track if you’re a cis writer)

A flexible, non-binary gendered society (rather than the rigidly structured biology-is-destiny a/b/o society) that’s trans inclusive either explicitly, or implicitly if it’s a new social universe with different rules. 

If mating seasons have to exist, they’re cultural more than biological, and no biological processes that could impede or trouble a person’s ability to properly consent. 

No inherent, glorified or reified power dynamics, certainly none rooted in or fostered through biology. 

That doesn’t seem very much at all like a/b/o to me. It’s a werewolf AU, which is the reason why a/b/o was created in the first place. It wasn’t enough. It needed something more than just a supernatural bent

I’ll continue on below for a bit on some simplified functions of a/b/o, but it’s mostly just some ramblings.

-

Like, to quote the originators of the genre/trope:

I'd like to see Alpha male Jared, and Bitch male Jensen. Jensen is a snotty prude (think Lady from lady and the tramp) he may be a bitch male but he's not just going to let anybody take a go at his sweet little ass...until he meets Jared...then prudey little Jensen turns cock slut for Jared. Bonus points for J2 being OTP, Jensen was a virgin before Jared, and now that they met each other, it's for life.

...

There are three types of men, alpha males, beta males, and omega males. Alpha males are like any ordinary guy with the exception of their cocks, they work just like canines (the knot, tons of cum, strong breeders, etc) The beta male, is an ordinary guy without the special cock. Omega males are capable of child bearing and often called bitch males.

Like, I want you to look at that real close and see what’s going on in there.

This was created to be a trope where there’s a world where women, as we explicitly know them, don’t exist, but where a subgroup of men take up the functional role of the woman in the heteronormative social structure of the world. It’s also not surprising that (assumedly cis) women created and initiated the spread of this trope.

Look at the language used. This is heavily, explicitly gendered for a reason. If you’ve read much of anything about how the male gaze impacts female sexuality, you’ll know a common response is for women to position themselves out of the proverbial frame entirely, so that no part of them can explicitly exist as an object, where they can take on the role of a subject. There’s no women whose experiences will directly link to her own and her own perceptions, comfort/discomfort/etc.

However, many of these women also have been heavily affected by the male gaze and heteronormativity, and that combined with not knowing what a real gay male relationship is like, what it looks like, what experiences might be unique to it...they fill in the blanks with their own conditioning. 

And maybe seeing a lot of that toxic masculinity in media content was unsettling because of how women get treated in that content, and how they in turn might feel in those shoes. But if a MAN, even if it’s a heavily female-coded man, were to undergo that...well, it’d be easier to appreciate those tropes and dynamics they’ve been force-fed to believe were arousing, hot, desirable. Especially if they can have two hot men in it. They can enjoy that self-created taboo, bypass their own discomfort and insecurity, and project it onto a type of person different enough to suspend their disbelief and maintain that difference, even if they’re pumping that guy full of all the typical misogynistic tropes and experiences they’re not comfortable having directed towards them and other women.

In short, it’s a way to get off on heteronormative norms/tropes, using another as a vehicle in order to keep up their cognitive dissonance.

Of course, this eventually spilled out into the Het fandom (makes perfect sense, since many of the a/b/o originators and proponents were het women), and then worked its way into Femslash fandom by piggybacking on g!p in order to meet the necessary criteria for PiV sex. 

Just, in this case, you necessarily shift some of the puzzle pieces around. Trans women take the place of the “alpha”, acting as an acceptable vehicle for a toxic masculine cis man, since lesbians aren’t into men. Even if the trans woman is generally written, in nearly every way aside from part of her body, as a toxic cis man. The original a/b/o’s “Bitch Male”/Omega Male is swapped out for the  Omega Female, usually a spunkier, more in your face version outside of romantic/sexual contexts in the media content, but let’s be real here, she’s still by and large submissive when it comes down to it. 

In a world where more wlw grew up feeling predatory for their attraction to other women, for feeling sinful, for being rejected from female intimacy het women enjoyed with each other after coming out, etc., it’s pretty common for a lot of lesbians to lack initiative, not be able to read or communicate romantic/sexual cues between each other...to essentially be “useless lesbians’ as the joke goes,and to feel isolated and undesirable. 

So writing a F/F fic where some hot woman modeled in the image of some hot cis woman pursues you? Takes the initiative sexually/romantically? Doesn’t beat around the bush, but is blatant? Who can’t control her lust around you? Who can give you the perfect nuclear family you’ve been conditioned to want in order to feel value in our heteronormative world, but were told you weren’t worthy of or could never feasibly attain? Who gives you a sexual encounter you have some education in and some emotional stake in due to common conditioning of PiV sex > all else? Who can give you plausible deniability for a number of contexts due to a lack of ability to explicitly consent? etc. etc.

Like, yeah, that’s going to feel comfortable for a lot out there. That’s going to seem pretty hot/arousing. It’s a way to get off on the norms and expectations thrown on women in society, but in a way that lets them distance themselves ever so slightly from men by shifting it from text to subtext, explicit to implicit.

Don’t just take my word for it, though. Here’s a few snippets from one of the most popular g!p/omegaverse femslash writers (if not the most popular) that help illustrate how/why this trope has found an audience

Why Do I Write G!P?The elephant in the room. It arouses me, but it’s also a form of self-comfort. I grew up in a very fundamentalist home. Women being with women was at first unspoken, and then derided, both by my church and at home. I felt insanely guilty for my attractions, so I developed ‘cheat codes’ to deal with it.

It was okay if the woman I had sex with in my dreams had a penis, for example. It was okay if she forced me to have sex with her. It was okay if we basically simulated heterosexual sex.

Because of my childhood (which included conversion therapy), I found myself falling into heterosexual roleplay patterns, at least sexually. It was a lingering thing from my childhood.

It’s still there, and I know I’ll never be rid of it.

...

I associate penetration with power. You know, being steeped in sexism from an early age turned some problematic thoughts into kinky lemonade. And since I’m a femme sub, taking power away from the top by ‘penetrating’ them can ruin the mood for me. I mean, I can write power bottom scenes with the best of them, and I enjoy them, but… *shrug* if I’m going to write omegaverse or g!p, someone’s getting fucked, and it’s not the top.

There are rules to a/b/o. There are specific reasons it’s sought out, read, and created, and that’s why it’s hard to imagine a version of it without those harmful elements, because the trope requires them for the audience to be satisfied.

It’s why all gay male a/b/o fits a pretty specific pattern. it’s why femslash a/b/o fits a very specific pattern. There’s nearly no deviation as a rule, because there are so many parts that have to be in play and functioning in a specific way in order to get the desired result. 

I could go on for hours about this, and the above is all a pretty damn simplified take of what’s going on in a/b/o for it to exist in the way it does and meet the needs of the audience, and I’ve already written a lot about this in the past, so I’ll try to cut it short here.

[journeyedalone]

Da Rulez

General Rules

No godmodding.

Do not ask for smut unless you are an adult; you will have to prove you are an adult if you ask.

Mun does not equal muse.

Blog is trigger heavy, please be aware of this if you decide to move forward.

I have one trigger and it’s the user “lleavetheciity.” I’ve gotten over the panic attacks they induce for the most part, but it still really causes a negative reaction.

All triggers are tagged, if you need a special one tagged, let me know.

I am not open to certain topics, some during certain times.

Pedophilia/Incest/Rape focused on the sexual part rather than the effects is a no 24/7.

No underage smut at all.

Domestic Violence: cuz y’all like romanticizing being with abusers.

Cheating arcs.

Suicide is tricky; it’s not okay during certain times. Run it by me.

Animal abuse/death depends on my mood, sometimes a bit too sensitive to it. Run it by me.

I do not ship Frans or Charisk (bit of a squick), please do not ask for it. Please tag the ship accordingly so I can blacklist it.

Do not send hate toward anyone, trans, cis, homo, hetero, black, white, muslim, christian. I won’t tolerate my followers, my family or myself being insulted. It’s a quick way for me to unfollow/block you.

On that note, don’t interact if you ship adults with minors.

If you see that I am already interacting with a duplicate of your character, do not be discouraged—some are insecure about seeing duplicates and it’s fine if you don’t want to follow for that reason—but I like having diverse bonds with the same character. Just because a is shipped with b, doesn’t mean you can’t or that you have to, they could be lovers, just friends, or enemies. They could have a different dynamic, everyone plays their muses a bit differently.

I have bipolar disorder, depression/anxiety and PTSD (from an incident two years ago). My behavior may be weird, but it does not excuse my poor actions, I expect the same from you.

Please be literate. It’s hard to enjoy a thread when my partner doesn’t know “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” English is not the easiest language, if it’s not your first language I’ll fix the errors for you.

Different muses from this blog interacting with the same muse from yours share a universe by default, if you’d like to not be the case I’m flexible.

NSFW content will be tagged using the citrus scale, more often “lime” being suggestive, and “lemon” being intercourse.

I am mutuals only, so I will only roleplay with mutuals. Non-mutuals and anons are free to send asks, about anything really, but I’m following whoever I want to roleplay with.

If you follow me on a personal, it’s chill, but if you’re following for a side blog, TELL ME. I will check out your side blog/s and possibly follow you there. I can then consider you a mutual.

Please have a rules and about page; it’s not super necessary but it makes me more comfortable about following you and discussing possible content.

You can send starters with or without previous plotting or approval as long as you are a mutual.

If I feel uncomfortable with where you are taking a thread (such as my character getting raped, or your character hurting an animal, etc.) there’s a 99% chance I’ll implore you to rewrite a section so it doesn’t go that direction—if I need to change my response for you to do so, I will change it.

Starter calls are posted monthly or when there’s been an influx of followers, if you like a starter call, you have 14 days to respond to it—if you don’t have time to respond to it within the time, message me OOC so I at least know you got it. The extension period is two months before I delete it I approach you about responding; from that point on, it’s up to my own discretion.

Shipping-related rules:

You can read this later if you are not interested in shipping right now. If our characters haven’t met yet, you don’t need to concern yourself with this:

There is no instant shipping; everything is done through chemistry and development.

My muses are traumatized and young; please think of how old your character is, and about what their relationship is before asking to ship.

Shipping calls go out routinely (about once a month) please request a tag for the ship you would like if you accept the call, and talk to me about plotting their relationship.

I don’t know if I should have to say this again, but domestically abusive relationships will not be accepted.

Incestual relationships will not happen.

Pedophiliac relationships will not happen.

Power Imbalanced relationships will not happen (teacher and student, boss and employee, etc.)

I am unwilling to ship certain muses. These muses include Eilis and Frisk*.

Eilis is nine; nuff said.

Frisk is apathetic and cannot feel; this makes shipping hard but can be an unrequited relationship where Frisk benefits in some way.

Smut is tricky; everything should be under a read more and a relationship should be developed beforehand—William is demi-romantic and has a hard time getting attached enough for that, Bonny has PTSD over it and it is painful for her so she won’t want to do it regardless of hormones, Jimin is dysphoric as he’s often mid-transition and will be nervous to do things after transitioning into a woman(surface ver.). Your muse will have to be more comforting than their own boundaries.

If you have managed to read ALL THESE FREAKING RULES, please send in any quote you like from Undertale! If you are uncomfortable sending in a password, it’s all good. I get you. If you’d still like to let me know, check the mobile tag for a post you can like with these rules (you are here). Thank you!

[gayasinstupidpodcast]

Gay As In Stupid’s second episode is out! (pun intended)

Hey y’all! It’s Isaac and Aaron and we’re back with another episode of our Fantastically gay podcast, Gay As In Stupid! This month’s episode is about gay trans experiences, where me and Isaac share some of our experiences as gay trans men, talk about the history of societal and medical prejudice, and share an interview with a spectacular trans lesbian on her point of view!

You can find us on the Itunes Podcast App/Webpage at Gay As In Stupid Podcast! You can also find our episodes uploaded to Youtube and Soundcloud! Sorry for any audio goofs this episode! Recoding in my college dorm has proven to be a thotty whom we will have to get used to working with.

Ordinarily, me and Isaac would put our main sources under Further Reading at the top, but I (Aaron) found the main sources I had to go through for this month’s topic to contain disgusting levels of transphobia that I would feel irresponsible telling our listeners to read. If you want to know what I looked through and used, however, feel free to DM me @albert-dj-cashier​

Aaron’s 2018 September Recs!

What The Trans?! (podcast)

A roughly hour-per-ep podcast by Michelle and Ashleigh, two trans women living in the U.K! The hosts are witty, informative, and compelling, and they talk about topics like the current events in UK trans politics, representation in media, institutionalized prejudice, and personal experiences! Their episodes are really fun as well as interesting, and they have a great dynamic!

Big Eden

This is an absolutely Classic gay feel-good film, and one of me & my friend Lauren’s personal favorites! It centers around a gay New York artist who returns to his childhood home in Montana to care for his grandfather, and finds himself having to deal with the loose threads he left behind (and Also finds an unexpected love interest). It’s cute, romantic, super funny, and doesn’t leave you with long spans of meaninglessly meaningful shots and call it Film.

Isaac’s 2018 September Recs!

Yank! A WWII Love Story: A New Musical

Follows Stu, a young man who gets drafted into World War II where he ends up becoming a photographer for ‘Yank Magazine, a journal for and by the servicemen’.  In present day, Stu’s old journal is discovered, and his story of the war, and his romance with Mitch; a handsome Private he met during training. It’s fun, colorful and absolutely heartbreaking. The songs are memorable, and so are the characters. If you like heart-string pulling gay romances and strong lesbians, this production will make you horny!

MIKA

If you aren’t already listening to MIKA, then I don’t think you’ve been living yet. His songs are sweet and fun to dance to, and truly never get old. He’s gay and a talented singer-songwriter. The music he makes can be best described as Pop/Glam Rock (also GAY!!!) Love yourself and go give “Talk About You” and “Grace Kelly” a listen.

MARCY’S FULL AND WONDERFUL INTERVIEW UNDER THE READ MORE

Q: How do you identify? A: I am a trans woman and a lesbian.

Q: How do you feel trans straight people react to your identity? A: honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t personally know any straight trans people. I’d imagine that we have common grounds on dysphoria and trying to understand gender, but with regards to sexuality, I’m sure it’s kinda up in the air. I doubt there’d be like, hostility regarding my identity. Probably just general acceptance, maybe some minor prodding.

Side note: not to generalize, but from what I understand, straight trans women tend to have different experiences with self-discovery than bi or lesbian trans women. The former tend to figure things out earlier, are sometimes seen as more traditionally feminine, etc. Some of this is from rather TERFy science, though, so take it with a grain of salt.

Q: How do you feel your identity is perceived in the LGBT Community? A: from an intracommunity standpoint, I think that trans WLW in general are steadily becoming more accepted as we speak up about or lives and experiences. Many cis WLW, whether actively or passively, exhibit an alarming amount of transphobic beliefs, but I like to think they’re in the minority.

Q: How do you present your gender and what do it mean to you? A: I’m butch, so my experience with womanhood and femininity is… interesting, to say the least. I certainly don’t take a traditional approach to femininity, and I find that very empowering, especially as a trans woman. I don’t wanna force myself into a role that I’m not comfortable filling, just to appeal to what society expects of me. I wear suits and vests and I keep my hair short and I’ve honestly never even touched makeup, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Q: What role do you feel like the intersection of your gender and your sexualilty play in your life? A: my gender and my sexuality are both very important to me, the intersection thereof even moreso. Understanding that intersection has helped me piece together a lot of the questions I had growing up. To put it simply, figuring out that I’m not just trans, but also a lesbian, has helped me figure out like, the past eight-to-ten years’ worth of failed romantic endeavors. The way I experience relationships, the way I interact with people, the way I love are all impacted by both my gender and my sexuality; neither’s importance can be understated.

Q: Do you feel like your gender presentation makes people more prone to invalidate your identity? A: pardon my language but, of fucking course. Like, cis people and transphobes alike will find any reason they can to invalidate a trans person. But the second they find a trans woman who’s a lesbian, who isn’t presenting like a perfectly feminine stereotype, all bets are off my dude. Until I have like, B-cup tits and a soft face, I’m essentially a straight guy in most people’s faces. Which, eh, who cares at this point? Straight people have never understood butch womanhood. I don’t expect them to recognize a trans butch when they see one.

Q: Do you feel like your identity as a gay trans person makes it harder for you to receive proper medical care (hormones, sexual health, etc)? A: quite honestly, I don’t know yet. I’m still pre-HRT; I have yet to jump through the hoops and red tape necessary to get hormones and whatnot. I imagine it’ll be tough, though.

Q: How has your coming out process been different than if you were just trans or gay? A: the biggest difference, for me at least, is that it’s been a multi-step process. For a while I thought I was a bi cis man, then pansexual and agender, then a bi trans woman, and it wasn’t until ~June 2017 that I figured out I was a trans lesbian. Coming out to friends has always been easy; they pick up on new identities and pronouns fairly easy. Honestly, I don’t think my parents quite understand what being trans is right now, but we’re working on it.

Q: Have you ever found yourself feeling guilty over your attraction to women because of your gender identity? A: honestly? At least once a week, I have that dysphoric voice in my head telling me I’m just some creepy straight guy preying on lesbians. I know it isn’t true, it’s just self-doubt and internalized transphobia and TERF rhetoric echoing, but it’s hard to not think that, frankly. Especially when it’s repeated so often.

Q: Do you feel like your voice is heard/your identity is seen between media and the community? A: in media? Outside of a few niche places (and surprisingly, IDW’s Transformers comics), trans lesbians are largely pretty nonexistent. Of course, in the actual community we’re much more populous, but frankly we’re a little bit insular as we tend to mostly befriend and date one another. All in all, don’t think we’re entirely invisible, but I do think we could do with some more fictional representation, and to get more involved with the larger LGBT community.

Q: Is there anything else about your experience as a gay trans person you would like to add? A: admittedly, it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve felt truly comfortable around cis lesbians. Most of my relationships in the past few years have been with other trans girls. There’s a variety of reasons for this, and every woman’s experiences are her own, but for a long time I was afraid that cis lesbians just wouldn’t recognize me as a woman. Q: Would you like your instagram/tumblr to be linked in the episode description? A: sure! I’m @opossumghoul on tumblr and @opossumbutch on other social media

[sylvermyth]

Things to do instead of A/B/O

(Buckle up my friends, this is going to be long, as I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it)

Okay so if you've followed my blog for any amount of time, or if you know me a bit, you might know that one of my biggest NOPES when it comes to fanfic is the A/B/O trope.  Now, I haven't read a ton of it, but I've given it a fair chance, have read enough to know the characteristic aspects of it, and decide it's not for me.  But, I'm also aware that it...might be for a lot of people, and, okay I really hate to say this but it's problematic, and while I'm normally like, write the shit you want, you do you, conflict makes story great, etc...okay, yeah, you do you. That's fine. But I really feel like A/B/O is not only propagating dangerous, misogynistic heteronormative narratives, but is also kind of an easy, lazy writing device.  Because I can see aspects of the trope that have potential!  Which don't get explored!  And I see aspects of the trope that are appealing, but have alternatives that would be much more interesting if approached differently.

So, here I am to offer some potential alternatives to A/B/O Things, based on some of the key elements of A/B/O.

Mpreg

Okay personally mpreg just really triggers my YIKES NOPE reaction.  However, I can see the appeal of it.  There are ways of going about it without relying on an A/B/O narrative.

One, you just want your characters to make a family     together. That's sweet, cute, yeah, go for it!  But...why not adopt?      Really. Adopting is really beautiful, has potentially a lot of     conflict in the adoption process itself, I mean, really.  As many     children as there are without parents, it's still probably more difficult     to adopt than it is to just pop out a child on your own (not sure about     the financial aspects, but having a baby is REALLY expensive, medically; I     don't usually read fics involving kids but I would imagine that's another     issue that probably doesn't get addressed in fic, but I digress).      Anyway. The adoption process is just as meaningful, and potentially     more so, for a couple to go through together, instead of pregnancy.

You want to see your character pregnant.  Okay.      So I suppose there's a few different aspects of this that are     appealing.

You want your character to go      through morning sickness, etc, all the physical bullshit of pregnancy so      their partner can care for them.  That can be accomplished just as      well with illness, there are illnesses that can be long and drawn-out, it      doesn't have to be a fatal illness, and fighting that illness can make      for good conflict/resolution, etc.

You like the idea of      procreation as it is.  You can accomplish that with a gender swap.      Don't be afraid to write the character the same, with only their sex      different. Women can be as robust and diverse as men.  You still      want a same-sex relationship?  They can both be gals.  Just go      for it!

You really want to see a male      character pregnant, and this cannot be accomplished through the usual      biological means. See the Gender/Secondary Gender section.

You want your character to be a      “woman” without actually making them female.  NO.  Just don't.      Stop.  We have enough problems with women being a “fragile” or      “weaker” or “inferior” sex as it is, and all the shitty gender roles that      go with it.  Unless the story arc is overcoming ingrained prejudice      in that aspect (and even then it’s questionable), just...don't.       There are better things to write.

Gender/Secondary Gender/Sex

This is...a really sensitive subject to deal with, imo.  I think it's probably one of my biggest issues with A/B/O, because there's rampant misogynistic, heteronormative elements in many A/B/O fics.  I don't know if ALL fics fall into this, but all of the ones I've read do, and it's a big turn-off for me.

Here’s a simplified rundown of my understanding of secondary sexes:

Alphas present as dominant, the caretaker/provider, are     generally superior in things like sports, business, etc.  They can     lose control in the presence of an omega, to the point of potentially     raping them.  The “man/masculine” of the dynamic.

Betas are neutral, safe, I guess?  Inferior in a     way, because they're normal and don't have one of the extremes. (As an     aside, I actually think that this “secondary sex” would be incredibly     interesting to explore in the context of A/B/O, if it was done right,     like, are they an in-between?  Is it kind of like being agender or     genderfluid?  How do they cope with the other genders?)

Omegas present as submissive, needy, inferior, unable     to control themselves during heat and therefore at a disadvantage in     whatever activities they engage in (especially competitive sports), and     also the ability to consent is essentially taken from them during their     heats, due to biological need.  The “female/feminine” of the dynamic.

Women are generally completely ignored???  I'm     guilty in not always including ladies in my fics, I won't lie, but there     has to be some dynamic created in this setting that involves women.

Okay. So. Overall, I don't think the idea of a secondary sex or gender is a bad idea, per se.  I just really hate the gender-driven hierarchy that's raised by it (specifically that it’s heavily heteronormative), and it's really not that necessary when the same effect can be achieved with primary gender/sex.  So here's a few things to consider.

Gender roles:  just don't.  Please, I'm so     fucking sick of it.  Relationships are a give-and-take, and different     people have different strengths and weaknesses, that don't depend on their     gender.  Figuring out the balance is more interesting, anyway, rather     than having it predescribed.  Do that instead, please.

There are still many issues of gender in the world we     live in as it is. You could explore those.  For example, Yuri on Ice     plays with this a little: most of our main characters have cultivated an     image of androgyny or even femininity in their skating programs.      However, keep in mind that androgyny etc has different roots and     different meanings for different cultures.

If you want to explore gender identities, I     would suggest treading very carefully, especially if you are a cis     person (in fact as a general rule I wouldn't do it at all without heavy     research, consulting people that are willing to share their experiences     with their identity, etc).  You might be tempted to, say, make your     character a trans male so they can get pregnant.  Personally, as     someone who is cis, I feel very uncomfortable doing that, because it's not     an issue I think I have the right to handle, and I highly suggest that     such an issue be left to those who would identify with that situation (I'm     not sure what language/vocab I should use to say this).  Of course     everyone will have a different situation, and it's not entirely impossible     to have such a storyline, but really...cis people have no business using     such a delicate matter as a writing device, just so they can make their     character fit a particular kink, because let's be real, that's what it     comes down to.  There are other ways.

Not knowing one’s secondary gender/sex until after     puberty:  honestly, you don't even need to make it secondary, if     people are genderless to begin with!  For example, since we’re     already writing an alternative biology AU, why not make it so that people are     sexless at birth?  Maybe they choose or develop a sex later on!      I imagine this would make an incredibly interesting culture:      is there pressure to choose one over the other?  Are there     still gender roles, or does the neutral beginning make it easier to do     away with those?  What other kind of identity issues arise with this,     or is it not an issue at all?  Is it possible to remain in a state of     neutral gender indefinitely?  How does procreation work?      Fascinating, right?!

Again with the idea of an alternative biology, you     could use fantasy creatures (see also: Heats/Ruts, Mating Cycles;     Scenting and Marking).  Maybe your character has the ability to     choose to carry a child, regardless of their presented sex/gender, or     maybe their sex/gender is in flux, changeable.  There are probably     different kinds of demons, too, with different abilities--and probably not     all of them have these abilities!  There's a wealth of     cultural/societal implications in this, without having to resort to     gendered roles.

Non-con/dubcon propagated by secondary gender     (heats/ruts).  I mean, ok, different strokes for different folks, but     again, don't really need a secondary gender for that one.  See also Heats/Ruts...

Heats/Ruts, Mating Cycles; Scenting and Marking

Perhaps one of the big elements of A/B/O, I think?  Also actually something I dig quite a bit--up to a point.  While I like the idea of being exceedingly desperate for sex in my smut, in A/B/O, it’s often taken to the extreme to the point that characters arguably lose the ability to say ‘no,’ and therefore the ability to consent.  Sometimes this is addressed before the omega character has their heat, but not always, and sometimes even discussing it ahead of time, an alpha still loses control due to a reaction to pheromones and whatnot.

Marking/bonding with a mate is also, in itself, not a terrible thing (it can be romantic, actually!) but again there’s the non-con marking that’s sometimes used as a plot point to trap a character into a relationship.  I guess that can work, but again, there are other ways to trap a character into a relationship, if that’s what you’re really going for. Financial issues, different forms of abuse, etc, without using biological restraints--even with these, you should be careful, or at least tag your fic appropriately.

Anyway, overall, not a bad element.  However, these things don’t have to be limited to A/B/O!  A few alternatives to consider:

Above I mentioned alternative biology, you don’t need     A/B/O to have a character that has a mating cycle, does the scenting thing     etc.  Could be a fantasy/mythology creature, or hell, we could do     aliens!  Why not!  You can also incorporate knotting in this, if     you like.

Could be a fetish thing--you don’t really need     different biology to get wrapped up in someone’s scent.  A lot of     that is in a person’s head, too, which can flesh out a narrative.

Yo dude, biting/marking is hot in regular fic, you     don’t need to put it in A/B/O.

And so…

I make no claims that this is a comprehensive list of alternatives, or that I’m right, or that A/B/O is inherently wrong and you should never write it.  I am a huge proponent of MAKING SHIT UP for fics, of writing what you want.  But I also think that A/B/O is a bit of a cop-out on many fronts--or at least, it’s not reaching its potential, and ought to be handled differently, so please keep that in mind.  And thanks for reading!

Feel free to add on to this, if you like!  (Not that I have any say, thanks, tumblr.)  Or, if you want to discuss it, that’s cool, too--just know that I will not entertain personal attacks or responses that blatantly ignore the suggestions I have put out (which, by the way, I put a lot of time and thought into!).

Cheers!

[airagorncharda]

My reply to a post got REAL long, so I’m just putting it here and sending them a link

@gretchensinister

[your post]

Goddddd this got so long, sorry!

You said you’d be up for opening that can of worms, so here’s my input!

Like TJ, I'm wary of the advice of "just make mpregs about trans dudes!" because (as a trans guy) that feels like it falls into the problem of fetishizing us/our bodies, in that it diminishes us to the sum of our physical parts, and ignores that lots of trans guys (especially during/post transition) cannot get pregnant, and ignores that most trans guys (or at least all the trans guys I’ve met) find the idea of getting pregnant very dysphoric and unpleasant. "Just write mpreg about trans dudes” also falls into the trap of allowing/encouraging women who are not queer and who are fetishizing/commodifying queer male bodies for their own sexual escapism to do minimal research before writing trans people, which usually just results in bad writing. 

So I’m WARY of it. 

That being said, I've never gotten the impression that the way YOU would write a trans character would be shallow like that. You give all of your characters deep thought and consideration as people, which automatically means you’re not diminishing them to sexual objects. Your description of your own fic verifies that for me, personally. 

I don't know any trans men who want to get pregnant, but they DO exist, and I DO find it conceptually interesting to read about trans guys where that’s something they would want. 

For me personally, I’m more inclined to say “consider that trans people exist when you decide to write mpreg” than TJ is, because for me I’d prefer to get a higher quantity of fic written about trans people, even if lots of it is garbage. People won’t learn to write us better if they never write us at all. So for me, I definitely don’t want to tell people NOT to, and I AM interested in the subject, I’m just also aware that most depictions of trans men + pregnancy are going to be gross and fetishistic. 

There’s a whole history around mpreg (which is similar to the A/B/O tropes and the seme/uke yaoi bullshit) that’s basically cis women reinforcing misogynistic heteronormative relationship dynamics-- but on TWO MEN (gasp!)!! instead of on a m/f relationship. It’s catharsis, because they can explore the ins-and-outs of the shitty social situation they’re stuck in without it actually being about THEM for once, but unfortunately it has the effect of fetishizing queer male bodies in harmful ways. The mpreg thing is... also just cissexist and gross on that level, which is why for me, encouraging SOME LEVEL of acknowledgement that there actually ARE men who can get pregnant feels important. 

The other half of it though is that I’ve literally never seen someone write a trans woman who is magically able to get pregnant just because she wants to. People are willing to write cis men who are able to get pregnant for 50million nonsense reasons (and really, I used to be into mpreg, so I can assure you that the explanations for how it works are incredibly diverse and thought out, and NONE of them make much sense), but nobody seems willing to give that level of consideration, thought, and care to a trans woman character. 

The fact that I’ve never seen anyone say “I wrote a fic where a trans woman gets pregnant and lives happily ever after” but I’ve seen an UNBELIEVABLE number of fics about cis men getting pregnant, and also a lot of people being like “just write trans men getting pregnant because after all trans men are just women with different pronouns, right?!” (again, it doesn’t sound like that’s what you did, but I’ve seen other people doing that) says a lot about how these people are really thinking about trans people. They aren’t writing about us to write about us, they’re writing about us to write about THEM, but in a fetishistic escapist way that is harmful. 

Overall I think it can be done, and I personally would like to see more of it, but I’m 1) not holding my breath that most people are going to do it, and 2) definitely not holding my breath that they’ll get it right if they do.

On to your original question:

Are cisswaps fine? ... I mean... I think the answer is just “Yes” but also “some people go about it in gross ways, which is not fine” with a side of “people use the term ‘genderswap’ when they mean ‘cisswap’ and that’s transphobic and ignorant”

I don’t think there’s anything WRONG with the idea of just rewriting a cis man as a cis woman. 

The problem comes in with how people handle it. I’ve seen a few versions of this going really wrong really fast (and honestly I don’t think I’ve seen any of them from you, nor would I expect to). Off the top of my head in no particular order:

1) Making queer pairings straight, aka hetswapping:

Specifically I saw a LOT of this in the Hobbit fandom with Bilbo/Thorin fics. The fandom actually seemed to have more m/f [cis man thorin + cisswapped cis woman bilbo] than it had of them in their original forms (and of course it had WAY higher of both than of f/f cisswapped femslash, or of either of them as trans). 

While some authors do this sort of thing justice, and the occasional m/f cisswap fic isn’t bad, there’s a big problem with hetswapping. Basically that’s where the writer decides “I like this pairing except for that pesky sinful queerness. Lets fix that right up!” and makes them not only a m/f pairing, but also both inexplicably hetero. This is --phobic and erasure of all queer identities that can produce m/f relationships, and it’s just queerphobic in general for obvious reasons. 

And again, when tropes like this inundate a fandom with such force that they utterly overwhelm the other fic... there’s something screwy going on.

2) Everyone be gay men. Everyone.

All the women in the story get cisswapped to be dudes, so that everybody can be fetishized equally.

Literally this is just an excuse to write bad fetishistic penis/penis porn, and it’s pretty much always rife with aggressive sexism and queerphobia.

3) Complete physical makeover.

Beefy masculine male character submitted to the cisswap machine? Enjoy your thin, busty, long haired femm with a completely different body type and facial structure. She likes makeup and boys and she’s clumsy. 

Basically this is just people not comprehending that people are people, that changing someone’s gender doesn’t need to change that much about them, and that the biology of cis men and the biology of cis women is... not that different. Society has a huge effect on how people grow up, including how much they eat and what they feel comfortable wearing, etc. 

I know you know all this, just saying again-- there’s a ton of reasons why this form of cisswap is sexist and cissexist and gross. 

What you were mentioning about making cisswaps where the characters are mostly physically unchanged? Honestly I love that idea. Not enough people do it. More often than that, I’ve seen people do that same design for trans characters, which makes honestly LESS sense to me, because trans people are usually forced to be much more performative with gender expression than cis people. Also, always writing/drawing trans women as being “obviously” dmab, and trans men as being “obviously” dfab is gross and transphobic. Writing/drawing CIS people who don’t fit the expected physical binary is way more underdone and very needed. 

Basically, ultimately I don’t think it’s cisswaps that are the problem, I think it’s how they’re handled. A lot of people handle them badly, which has left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths in regards to them, and that might be why you’d encounter someone who HATES them or who they make really uncomfortable. It’s not a matter of them being inherently bad, so much as there being a lot more bad examples than good ones.

Again, sorry this became like a dissertation instead of a reply. I figured since you were hoping to have a conversation about it, I should really put all my thoughts down. ^__^