#like i have not peeled my skin at all
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#i got back from camp like 3 days ago#i got sunburned on my shoulders and back and a bit of my arms#anyways im in my peeling stages#im actually doing better at not peeling anything#like i have not peeled my skin at all#i am so proud of myself#anyways i have learned how to play solitaire#its very fun#and i enjoy it#anyways its almost night and i am not excited for the 4th because of all the fireworks#i hate the 4th ngl#the fireworks scare my animals and its not fun for them#anyways when since ive got home ive cried 1 to 3 times each day because im sad about the lack of news about rotpl#anyways still mourning#goodnight
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the thing that always surprises me about plants is when I go to re-pot one, or sometimes just loosen the dirt---there's a moment of almost-shock when I pull it up and see the roots, a lattice of white tendrils forking and twining, doubling-back and knit together. Even though I've been staring at these exact plants for years, there's always more to it than I'm expecting, and mixed in with the surprise is a sort of disgust, or maybe disdain. As thought the plant has somehow lied to me by not being beautiful all the way through.
But isn't that the difference, how you know something is truly and properly alive? Icebergs are ice (and microscopic particles, and dirt, and small sleeping microbes, etc.) all the way through, no matter how deep into the ocean they go. But a plant is a completely different thing above the surface and below it. I think there's a metaphor there.
#please know that I edited this thought because my first metaphor was that plants are like people.#most of us go around looking at people's skin and clothes and makeup; but if you peeled open someone's chest cavity#it would be full of wetness. and red-brown-red. and yellowish-green. and heaving meat.#I think most people's minds are like that too. not in a bad way; we just all have lots of weird roots inside us.#and I think that's....well not beautiful it's ugly and weird.#but yeah. if something is ugly and weird that's how you know it's alive.#celestial emporium of benevolent knowledge
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hey bud, you got a little somethin on your... uh... off of your.... um... hm.
#my exact thought process before drawing this was#'hm i wonder if the puppets have stuffing inside or like... meat. man i wish i could just peel their skin back and look'#and so i uh. peeled wally#and like i posted about it earlier but i Want to draw gore and hey!!! why the fuck not!!!#all this to say im excited for when wh earns its gore warning#its gonna be tasty i just know it#on a different original topic coloring this gave me a headache <3 its not nearly as eyestrain-y as it was before#i really gotta work on my color skills bc i Do want to draw eyestrain stuff too. i love big colors#scribble garnish#welcome home#welcome home fanart#welcome home puppet show#tw gore#tw skull#tw rotting#lemme know if this needs more warnings#i am... unsure#i may lovingly mutilate wally some more later#and i Do do it out of affection
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oh boy do i have some news for you
#quotes that make me want to slowly peel the skin off my body like a pomegranate#everyone talks abt mike’s need to be needed n wanted n loved#which is so true so valid so real#but like#can we circle back to will for a second .#bc it’s not just that he wants mike and can’t have him it’s like#for him this kind of love isn’t even in the picture#when he says ‘i’m not gonna fall in love’ knowing he already is#what he means is that love won’t ever be reciprocated#he can’t have what nancy and jonathan have#the kind of love he says is so gross !!#he thinks no one wants to hold his wrists and kiss his palms and smile at him !!#oh#head in hands my sweet baby boy#pls don’t tag this or make additions w ‘this but mike actually’ YES I KNOW MIKE ACTUALLT#ILL MAKE A BILLION MORE POSTS ABT MIKE#I PROMISE#BUT RN WE R TALKING ABT WILL ok that’s all#like#for him it’s mike or no one#and knowing he’ll never be able to have an easy teen romance like mike n el#or lucas and max#or jonathan and nancy or even dustin and suzie#:(#‘im not gonna fall in love’ meaning#‘i am in love but no one will fall in love with me’#will byers#mike wheeler#byler#/astro posts
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yknow before i went to pt and got clocked for hypermobility i may have been tired and in pain all the time but at least i wasn't COVERED in tape and leftover tape goo
#idk what is going on with my skin but the kt tape leaves an insane amount of glue on me#my pt says that's normal but also she's never seen it leave AS MUCH glue on anyone as it does on me#like. if it doesnt peel off within fifteen minutes it MELDS itself to me#and then istg the fabric itself starts pulling away and LEAVING THE GLUE BEHIND. LIKE ALL OF THE GLUE#if its my knees or feet i can sort of try and peel it off a little at a time#but we tape my shoulders/traps/paraspinals too and i can't. reach that#so there's just. so much glue residue#IM SO STICKYYYY#also. im gonna have some really interesting tan marks this summer lmao
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can someone explain to me why binding in any form when you have a large chest is hell no matter what you do
#this is rhetorical#i know why#binders are fucking BOGUS#aside from the sensory issues they give me personally THEY JUST DON’T FUCKING WORK#AT LEAST FOR ME#and then i discovered binding tape#1000% better than binders on multiple fronts#but it still sucks#because god forbid someone have a tape size large enough#and then theres the fucking blisters#which i do not give a fuck HOW you swing it THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME BLISTERING IF YOUR CHEST IS HEAVY#AND IF YOU HAVE A LARGE CHEST AND TAPE AND DONT BLISTER PLEASE SWEET FUCK TELL ME HOW YOU DO IT#because i can have it on and pretend that my skin isn’t actively being shredded#and that i won’t be standing in the shower in a few days peeling it and said shredded skin off of me#probably pissing my suitemates the hell off because i didn’t anticipate it being that bad because i never think its that bad#until i take it off and then suddenly its like why the fuck am i bleeding#and i gotta tell myself it’s because there’s no winning for you dumbass!!!!#you’re going to be in pain all the time no matter what you do!!!!!#let me out#can i fucking quit now please how much more#because with everything in america going the way it is idfk if i can take this shit much longer#yapping#vent
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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intimacy being the scariest thing is the world n yet also having the most intense physical yearning is so fuckd up
#why does touch starvation have to be real#i dont know how to be physically affectionate#i get scared when people tap me on the shoulder#it takes me out of everything#im not used to being touched at all most of the time it makes me feel the need to peel off all of my skin#always unwanted touches though#but then i want it#so bad#i just want it to be natural for me like it is for everyone else#i dont even know how to hug#but i want to#but it's like that part of my brain never set in#one of the many many things#i am just. so inhuman#i crave 2 just give hugs n be given them and be comfy and feel loved n like i can actually give it out n it be wanted#i want to know what it's like to feel like i belong and not be terrified in every interaction
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Shout out to my brain for convincing me that I'm still missing something in regards to preparing myself to start my new job next Monday, despite the fact that I've read a million "prepare yourself for work" articles and listicles and I have either everything already prepared or at least a plan to prepare that thing this week.
Its like when you're going on holiday and your brain is like "well what if you shit yourself every single day?? What if you pee yourself every five minutes even though you've never struggled with that at home?" Except it's my brain going "hey what happens if they expect you to bring your own phone headset?" Like???? They explicitly DONT, they have TOLD ME WHAT THEY EXPECT OF ME, can we STOP WORRYING OH MY GOD!???
#it doesnt help that the psych i found a couple weeks ago did NOT gel with me so im also on a psych hunt#which is now on pause til the new year because Im about to work 9-5 for five days a week for the first time since 2019#im not going to have TIME for therapy#im gonna maybe go do some helpful chores to shut my brain up and then play minecraft#which is not helpful because going to my partners therapy sessions has started helping me unmask#so its like im this banana thats been half peeled because oh! we were gonna start to make banana bread! (a metaphor here for therapy)#but then Ive realised I actually don't have the time or money or energy to make banana bread (do therapy) so ive had to just???#duct tape that unpeeled banana back together again#and the skin doesnt quite fit back properly so the flesh is poking through the holes and those exposed places are REALLY easy to damage#which like i know logically will be better in the long run for my banana bread but i have no sort of kitchen support at all#like the souix chef has fucked off the garbage boy never showed up for his shift the gravy kitchen hasnt worked in months#and the patisserie chef is way too distracted making eclairs out of chocolate laxatives to help with the fucking banana bread#anyway ive lost control of this metaphor which is actually a hilarious metaphor for my life and how im feeling about it right now#fingers crossed something comes of eventually getting on some sort of medication to help my brain because this genuinely isnt sustainable#especially with my brain going huurrr bdurr youre struggling??? heres a great way to regulate! *jazz hands* harm urself!!!!!#like fuck off kevin we both know thats not even remotely going to help#le sigh#okay thanks for reading if you got this far#im okay im fine im safe im just venting my feelings because journalling Just Wasnt EnoughTM this time#personal#raven rambles#work vent#mental health
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I feel like it should also be stated that a big part of getting the autoimmune attack to stop was not just staying inside and away from the sun but also closing my curtain. I know by now that I react to sunlight even through windows, but it still took me 2 weeks of crying and loratadine to be like maybe blocking the sunlight from coming in and touching me at all will help the skin rash.
The skin rash cleared up immediately.
#also healed or not the burn on the backs of my fingers is still peeling which is very annoying#it's not hurt or raw but the dead dry skin is coming off that backs of all my fingers and not just the 1 that blistered and it's itchy#and I am going to complain#the burn was from freshly boiled water btw not sun if it was from sun it wouldn't have healed that fast#sunburns on me are hell#they are anti-healing#instead of “how are you already better” they result in “How is that still an open patch of missing skin?” which is very not good#I still have scars from sunburns#I'm like opposite of superman the sun weakens me
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I've been over halloween in general thanks to 'valloween' and 'summerween' and y'all being incapable of moving on from literally anything...but we're coming upon the time where I have to see tiktoks of white girls going to spirit halloween to buy their little boring twink boyfriends ghostface masks to proudly announce to everyone how kinky they are and I've had it.
#🐇#it's the same fucking video every time it's got closer playing over it the white boy acts like he'd rather peel his own skin off#I've HAD IT.#not only that but like ladies I don't fucking care about your like hundred dollar spirit halloween hauls of fucking terrifier merch!#stop making me look at the fuckass clown! stop it! what is HAPPENING#I'm literally about to google why do people like terrifier I DON'T GET IT#I honest to god saw a tiktok of a man wearing a terrifier shirt complaining that longlegs wasn't scary#I feel like I'm living in a cloud! WHAT#'why google it? watch the movies yourself!' no. he makes me angry to look at it's that simple.#also in sort of relation to this in the sense that she's a crazy straight person- an ex friend of mine who I refer to as crazy jessica is u#to some REALLY crazy shit. I mean c r a z y and she has no idea that I know and that I've stumbled upon some wild evidence#so at least I have some entertainment through these tough times. I WILL be telling my best friend about all of this
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#cant help but feel thisis all i deserve and all ill ever know and it feels like im having my skin peeled off of my body#i just want to be 3 years old again before anything bad happened to me i just want to restart#maybe i dont deserve that but idk if i have any more strength in me to keep trying to forgive myself and forgive everyone else#wouldnt it have been a nice end if i did die in that hospital the last memories i have being in the bed painting with shitty brushes with#my dad while i was hooked up to every possible machine. at least then i wouldve gone out as a child who still had their innocence and#not an angry lonely unlovable adult with nothing to offer but the worst of myself
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it appears i may have overdone it with the tretinoin prescription….my face is far too dry.
#was googling as one does when something mildy affects my health and i think i have a mildish case of retinol burn….#the random places where my skin was peeling i should have realized sooner but in my defence my acne has been bad for like the past..month?#ughhhhhhhhhh im tempted to try that oral medication again because it actually properly cleared my skin unlike all of the other short term-#solutions like the acne creams/face washes that never seem to do much as im pretty sure my acne is hormonal#yay……..gonna kms#my rambles
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my skin looked SAUR good when I lived in Queensland, like best it's been in my whole life by a long shot, skin like glass I didn't need to wear makeup ever - but when it did it looked absolutely perfect. and then I moved somewhere cold-ish with almost no humidity, therefore stopped swimming in the ocean, and lastly put makeup on 3 days in a row for Eras - and now been a month and my face texture looks like it's falling apart... someone who knows something about skincare tell me what aspect this came from and how to fix it
#did 3 days of makeup fuck it up that bad#like my skin had NO texture when I was in QLD so foundation sat on my face soooo nice#and now it's like. idk how to describe it it separates like oil & water almost#it's not peeling but like flaky all the time looks like I haven't exfoliated in YEARS 24/7#products I use have not changed nothing has changed except I am not sweaty and humid and yeah I wore makeup for 3 days in a row in Feb#by the Sydney shows my skin was TOAST
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Need to stop making jokes about my grief and depression but then literally who would I be anymore.
#idk who I am if I’m not constantly making fun of myself and all my problems#and usually not dealing with them#my sadness is like a bandaid that I refuse to rip off and instead I’m just peeling it agonizingly slow and it’s also somehow peeling all of#the skin off my body at the same time and I become a live wound of a person#I wish I had my shit together enough for college or living on my own bs sometimes I think the only thing that would fix me would be picking#me up and putting me in a different state somewhere up north closer to my friends and like that’s all I need to fix me#if I wasn’t so painfully isolated life would be stellar but i can’t ever bring myself to reach out and I’m afraid constantly that everyone#hates me and is wishing I’d stop bothering them wahhhhhhhh I hate it !!!! my brain is evil!!!! I hate that it’s attatched to the rest of me!#my mom will be like. you don’t take responsibility for yourself and your feelings and you wallow in them and you blame your brain instead of#fixing yourself and I’ll be like. 😐. so how do I stop? and she’s like. idk.#I feel like my head is on fire I’m pausing my tolerance break tonight I’m gonna go get some mystery weed from my moms weed tray and pack a#bowl and probably cry some more#why did the year and a half dad death anniversary have to happen on such a humid day I just wanna walk thru the woods and cry and smoke
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Whelp I dont think I'm getting my meds (or any mail) today :/
#marquilla#she's like 8 hours late... i dont think she's coming....#mr krabs ringing that bell: DAY 9 LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 9!!!!#my skin feels like it's gonna scrape itself off my body in one big slough#i was out in the rain twice today and my skin burned so bad when it touched me i wanted to scream#i did have 'good' moments today pain wise today but uh id like me meds... please#gonna have to fucking drive to the goddamn pharmacy (hour one way) to get a new fill if it doesnt get here by Tuesday#bc i called LAST tuesday... bitch..........#im glad it wasnt my mental health meds but like.... this pain is affecting my mh sgdgdgdgdg but withdrawl from mh meds is dangerous#and painful... like in many ways 😬#hey ill pay one of yall to peel my skin off me#$100 but if you can get it all in one piece and make a skin suit ill give you $500#my tolerance for bullshit is low and baldy is lucky he didnt say the 'idk who told you to use clear totes' to newlady and not me bc i#would have SCREAMED id have to have had laughed as i said it so it seemed like i was pointing it out as ironic and funny oopsie!#but i really mean it in a 'how are you this fucking stupid at your job... how'#i was getting real creative with my insults ab him today sgdgdgdgdg
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