#like i hate it when i'm putting in all this effort to preserve a friendship that i care about

[forsythi-amitie]

hate this guy. What is he doing. My thoughts on whatever the hell is going on with him and HiMERU as a whole below. I formally apologize if this doesn't make sense because i think i was actually getting more and more delirious while writing it. At some point, i had a dream with HiMERU in it and he died to the hand of his own clone.

I know that HiMERU(oreMERU) decided to replace his brother in the hopes of being able to preserve his image, his dream, and to not let him disappear into obscurity. It's a noble effort, but at the same time it creates so many problems it's incredible. It's something that's been bugging me on and off for a while now.

For one, kaname is in a coma. I'm not sure if he has the slightest clue as to what's been going on. The idea was that when he recovered, he would just fit back into his place that oreMERU was holding for him, but who knows if that's what kaname really wanted, and who knows if he'd actually be able to do that. I'm thinking about this and so..... He basically has a whole life that he has no idea about?

I would say the current HiMERU is.... I guess "not real" in the sense of it's not actually either one of them. Let me explain: kaname, in a way doesn't exist because whatever personality he had prior to being hospitalized has effectively been replaced? It might be oreMERU emulating him, but it's not the real kaname. That also means that because he's replacing his brother, oreMERU doesn't exist either. He's taken on a different name, hidden any kind of personal information about him, and has abandoned his true self entirely for the sake of kaname. Whatever things he does, or people he makes friends with, it's not him, but HiMERU (kaname). (theoretically)

He speaks in the third person to i guess distance "himself" from "HiMERU", but that suggests even more issues. He doesn't have his own "free will" ? He hates tatsumi who was actually a friend of kaname, but because oreMERU doesn't exist, he has to pretend to still be friends. His likes, dislikes, hobbies..... they're all kaname's (i'm pretty sure they are, right?). Everything he does is the actions of someone else, and not himself. If he wanted to do something that wouldn't match the image of HiMERU, he wouldn't be able to. He had a moment where he had to choose between "his" past as HiMERU, and his new future with Crazy:B, and he ended up choosing the latter because that wouldn't be what HiMERU would do.

That's an issue with how he interacts with others as well, since a lot of the time, he's acting as HiMERU and not his true self? Well, in public anyways. I think the members of Crazy:B are closer to his true self than someone like Tatsumi though. If there's one group of people he'd be able to trust, it would be them, (hopefully?) since they didn't know him previously. (Valkyrie just knows his secret, apparently. Shu literally threatened to cut off kaname's life support. )

I think at times oreMERU feels a certain amount of guilt for being able to live freely and have fun as HiMERU? "He" isn't supposed to be having fun. "He" isn't supposed to even exist. I think that makes his life terribly lonely, since if he lets himself relax and truly enjoy himself, would that really be the "right" thing to do? Although i think he's let himself relax over time, seeing as you can't continue to be miserable and worry forever, right?

In the event that kaname never wakes up.... I'll save that for later.

With his life as HiMERU being continued on by his brother, that sort of puts him in a place where his own identity is erased as well. His actions as HiMERU are not his own. He might have friends, but he doesn't have any memories with them, he has no personal connection to them. HiMERU(oreMERU) does. All of the bonds and close friendships he would've had would be completely built on lies. There's a chance that were he actually able to be an idol and act as HiMERU again, he might not actually want that life after what had happened.

The relationships he'd already had we're altered, and the new ones made were not made by him. In a way, his life no longer belongs to him? How would oreMERU possibly explain that he'd just been filling in for kaname while he was asleep? Or for that matter if nothing is explained and oreMERU just disappears, how would kaname be able to continue on, seeing how his life had essentially continued without him? Honestly thinking about this hurts my head i just cannot see this going well at all. In some way, oreMERU has both everything and nothing, because he's the one going out and building bonds with the other characters, yet they're not his to keep.

I'm not sure if HiMERU had thought of that? Or if he did, then not to the level of which he should've. It's like a lie that snowballed out of control, but it's more like an entire landslide at this point. It's identity theft with extra steps but not exactly identity theft and more of just identity borrowing for an extended period of time. If he ends up fully embracing the identity of HiMERU as part of Crazy:B, then what happens to kaname? If kaname doesn't wake up, then what? Everything he did would've been for nothing (according to his plan).

I could talk about how much I hated HiMERU at first for the sole reason of finding him annoying and not liking his blue hair (i think there's a pattern here.), but I'd say my reasons are more complicated than that. It's actually because for a point in time I'd get one of his cards in every scout i did. This guy won't leave me alone. Well, in all seriousness I don't hate him that much. (I have his new year's card.) He's just so incredibly confusing and terrible and endearing in the best way and it's interesting to see him do all of these things for what could be described as the most selfish selfless reasons ever? I think his true self has begun to show more and more as time goes on, which is a good thing, I still worry about him. I don't want him to be happy and then have it ripped away from him. Maybe I do, just a little. (This keeps me up at night.) (I've gone back to revise this a day after I initially wrote it and reading it makes me feel like I'm the one being plagued with the fear of HiMERU's future instead of him. What is wrong with me. )

I have genuinely no clue what to make of him. Is he alright? I admit I don't think i've read all of the stories about him so if i'm missing something that's why. (sorry) This is also mostly my own personal insight on this. I want HiMERU to be happy. Sometimes. He's a funny guy. He's up there on the top 10 enstars characters who have ruined my life. I have properly capitalized HiMERU in every single instance i typed it out.

[schnuffel-danny]

Please please please infodump about your dp x MLP crossover idea I used to be obsessed with MLP and now I'm obsessed with Danny phantom these are my two loves

This AU takes place in the MLP universe not too long after the last of Twilight's friends has passed and decades before the events of g5, as such the setting is much more modern than g4. There is a general unrest amongst the population of Equestria and life is noticeably bleaker, but no one wants to acknowledge the situation and most choose to pretend nothing has changed. The magic of friendship is taught more as a religion, and Twilight is seen as a god-like figure (much like Celestia was during her reign) despite barely interacting with the public as of late. BUUUUUUT- aside from that.... I guess I can start by spoiling what type of ponies the main gang are :3c Danny - pegasus (Jack is also a pegasus) Despite being a pegasus Danny can't actually fly, his wings stopped growing when he was little and are too small to lift him off the ground (this is also the case with Jack). Danny also didn't get his cutie mark until he began fighting ghosts. However, his mark is thankfully vague enough that he's been able to lie about how he got it. In ghost form Danny's wings appear bigger thanks to ectoplasmic glow and resemble partially feathered bat wings, he also gets a horn made out of solidified ectoplasm. (He doesn't have a cutie mark in ghost form as ghosts don't have cutie marks. Yes, this AU has pony ghost lore...) Jazz - unicorn (Maddie is also a unicorn) Jazz may have started as a proper unicorn, but since being introduced to the world of ghost fighting she does most of her magic with her back hooves. Jazz is the terrifying combination of a skilled magic user and a ferocious fighter. Her distaste for her parent's wacky behavior manifested in dedicating herself to magic studies so she could one day move to Canterlot with her brother and live a normal life. She heavily researches healing magic and one of her main goals is to write new healing spells. Sam - unicorn (both her parents as unicorns, and her grandmother is as well) Sam's family comes from a long line of Canterlot unicorns, the reason why her parents moved from Canterlot to Amity Park is unknown, but from the way they talk about the move it seems like it was grandma's decision. Sam is very interested in magic although, despite being a unicorn, she's mainly interested by the kind of magic done by earth ponies and other species. Sam believes magic should be accessible to anyone and so she puts effort into educating ponies about, and preserving the art of, all kinds of non-traditional magic. Tucker - earth pony (dad is also an earth pony, but his mom is a unicorn) The last thing that's expected of earth ponies is being tech savvy programming geniuses obsessed with all manners of futuristic gadgets, but that's exactly the kind of earth pony Tucker is. Tucker HATES the assumption that earth ponies aren't interested in tech and modifies common technology so it can only be used with hooves just to spite others (and also because it's fun), this actually ended up working in his favor as he's become famous in online tech communities for his modifications.

[nyxopenjournal]

I want to be surrounded by people who can not only tell me they love &/or care about me but can also show it. And the thing is. I don't expect everyone to love me in the same way. But if you show me the way you express your love then take it away? That hurts like a mf. Because you've gotten me comfortable with your giving-love-language. So when things change without explanation I panic. And I think rightfully so. No one really does well with sudden change. Nothing is ever quite the same after, either. Now I have to shift my thinking about how to interact and interpret what you do or say to me. Now I'm on edge about how to approach things. Like I said earlier, I don't expect people to show love exactly the same but put in the effort if you really do care. If you are the type to send "this reminds me of you" memes & then check in every couple days, do that. If you'd rather text everyday to give daily updates, do that. If you'd rather call a few times a week to talk about everything & nothing, do that. If you'd rather check in every couple weeks but still be happily present & around when you're able, do that. I've experienced all these types of relationships. I've had people who I'd check in with every 3 months & people who couldn't go more than a few hours without talking. I will shift my efforts to match yours but it also requires communication. In any of those situations, I would always try to say when I wasn't in the right headspace to talk. Whether it was a serious conversation or not. I'd always try to let them know that I missed them & was thinking about them or send things that reminded me of them whenever I saw it. I don't think my efforts were wasted I appreciated and respected everyone's level of communication to preserving our friendships. I just don't like when something is consistent and then suddenly there's a heavy, noticeable shift but when it's acknowledged, it's said that nothings wrong? Bc I'm a whore for details. I notice things that ppl think I don't or shouldn't care about but I have to hyper focus on it bc ppl will try to make me seem like I'm bonkers for pointing out the things I see have changed. I just want to feel secure in the attachments I create. I cannot thrive in confusion. I hate being confused. Tell me what is and what isn't. Put the emotion to the side. I can't deal with that myself. All I need is honesty. The rest will fall where it may. And I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say I need honesty but also say I always believe I'm being lied to, but the catch-all to that is if someone consistently shows up for me, my mind is put at ease and those constant negative thoughts will dissipate. It will take time, but I'm willing to put in the work if they are too. I know I'm not easy to deal with. I don't make it easy, but it's because I'm scared. Kinda lame excuse. It's true though. I'm tired of people leaving. It makes me want to give up. But my heart still yearns for connection even though I try to numb it. Here's to hoping the universe will give me a hand. Cheers.

[bestbonnist]

Chapter 145.1

First I should apologize for misleading the four people who read my analysis of Chapter 144.2. I told you that Fushi couldn't be the one in Funa's body and I was wrong. I genuinely didn't think that they would care enough to put any effort into their Funa impersonation. I'm sorry.

Sometimes my comprehension skills break down on the side of the road and I forget that regardless of what form they're in, Fushi has yellow eyes that are drawn in a unique way. I was also biased because I want Funa's knocker to be relevant, and that affected my prediction on what would happen next. Since no one this chapter made a comment on Funa's strange eye color, I guess the yellow eyes are just for helping readers differentiate between characters sharing the same body.

Although it seems random, Fushi's plan was actually something they've been thinking of since Chapter 143.1 at least. It was the first time they saw how Mizuha and Funa get treated by this group of girls and it made a big impact on them, although Funa's knocker surprised them before they could intervene. The plan formed fully after their conversation with Satoru, and the death of Funa's knocker set things up so that they could use a form besides the nameless boy's for a little while.

The way Fushi goes over to Mizuha at the beginning of the chapter was framed to be kind of creepy. Imagine the present era from Mizuha's perspective and you will see how disturbing it is when the person you're in love with tries to kill your mom and then presumably kills your new friend so they can stalk you in her form. It's like a fucking horror movie. Fushi's now essentially doing what Funa's knocker was doing: using her body to further their own goals instead of preserving her lifestyle.

No matter how Fushi approached this problem, they probably wouldn't have succeeded, but asking three girls who hate your guts out all at the same time is a spectacular fail. They only know what a date is from when Mizuha introduced the idea to them, so despite her romantic intentions they're hoping it's a friend thing, and now they've created even more misunderstandings.

Fushi's conversation with their teacher felt multilayered, because her advice could apply to the knockers as well as to Funa's life. Fushi has only interacted with the knockers in this era one-on-one, but even when they have an opportunity to ask all the questions they want, they don't get any answers. Maybe a hint that this strategy won't work on either problem. Their teacher also reminds Fushi that there are people worrying about Funa even if they don't say so—which sucks because it's too late for anybody to worry about her, and Fushi does have friends who are worrying about them quite a lot. The only way they'd even know that Fushi's still around is if Bon was updating them.

I'm happy to see Fushi making an effort to do something constructive on their own, but their plan's execution was so bad that they ended up pissing off Mizuha so badly that the left hand had to get involved—which was, ironically, not their intention for once. They believe that the hairband was what helped Tonari and Mizuha become friends, but that doesn't work at first. So start lying to make the hairband "special" and therefore more desirable. In doing so, they've taken the one thing that Mizuha was able to give Hanna to prove that she valued their friendship and turned it into something meaningless. Fushi barely knows these girls' names.

I reread all the chapters in the present era so I could better interpret Saki, Nagisa, and Kasabe's individual characters, because when Fushi talks to them separately you can see how they act when they can't rely on each other. When the group first appeared, Saki and Funa were at the center and closest to each other, always clinging onto each other and the ones who Nagisa and Kasabe were trying to impress. Saki was the one who stomped on Mizuha's foot both times, and she and Funa got into a fight because they both liked the boy who princess carried her. After that, apparently Funa blamed Saki for Rikuya rejecting her and so they ostracized her. Saki was likely the one who instigated this as well. She's the leader, and currently she's embarrassed by Funa because her knocker called attention to her bullying of Mizuha in Chapter 143.1. That's the "blurting out every thought that crosses your mind" that she complained about to Fushi.

Nagisa was originally in the position of appeasing Saki and Funa before they fell out. She was more invested than Kasabe, and after they chased Funa out she stepped in to take the place of Saki's best friend. But Nagisa says that Funa was the one who left, rather than being forced to leave. Either she's they can't get along because she took Funa's spot, or she's expressing resentment that she was forced to choose between Saki and Funa. Or both? It's unclear at this point, but her words felt angrier than Saki's, who's just reflecting her own insecurities onto Funa (and also Mizuha).

Kasabe is usually quiet, and didn't attempt to please Saki or Funa like Nagisa did, so I'd say she's newer to the group? She doesn't react instantly with negativity like Saki, Funa, and Nagisa, like when she started to respond to Fushi's greeting in the previous chapter. She also occasionally takes the time to consider why others behave in the way they do, like when she asks Fushi why Funa switched her opinion on Mizuha in this chapter. Judging by her strong reaction to Fushi saying she doesn't hate Mizuha, I'd say Kasabe actually likes Mizuha quite a bit. She's probably the only one in that group who could genuinely be friends with Mizuha and Fushi, but doing that would mean social suicide. None of these girls can do anything differently, because they each think they might get thrown out by the others.

Tonari and Mizuha's interaction at the end of the chapter is awkward but progress; Mizuha links arms with her, which she usually does with people she likes, and although Tonari looks a little uncomfortable she smiles at Mizuha and responds amiably. When she first appeared this chapter, Tonari looked somewhat lonely walking by herself. She's one of the people who's worried about Fushi right now, especially since she sees it as her job to protect them. I don't know if the left hand was dragging Fushi back to their group or to a different area, but if she overheard that it's Fushi in Funa's body she'll want to know what the hell is going on.

[zoe-oneesama]

I'm sorry if this seems rude, but your treatment of Alya makes me very uncomfortable. This isn't something you're entirely to blame for, as a good chunk of the fandom treats her very poorly (with either ignoring her or reducing her role to "ships the lovesquare"), but the amount of comics and posts you've made about punishing Alya feels a little extreme to me at this point. I understand the salt after chameleon, but everyone was ooc in that ep. Also it's been over a month. (1/2)

I will start by saying thank you for coming to me with your complaints in honestly the nicest way you possibly could, I really appreciate you taking a very calm and critical tone in approaching me with a genuine concern.

I will also point out I can’t think of any comics I’ve made attacking Alya or punishing her, so I’m not sure what you mean by that, but maybe I’ve re blogged someone else’s comic and it’s not coming to mind right now. But I also try hard to tag stuff so people can block the rants they don’t want to see. I guess the probelm is I use the #alya salt tag instead of #anti alya.

And I can agree that Alya’s characterization has gotten out of hand in the fanon vs canon, particularly when we had that long hiatus so fanon Alya bled into the consciousness and confused what actually is canon Alya.

However I won’t apologize for being critical of Alya. I will try to explain my own reasoning for you though so maybe you can understand where I’m coming from. 

My two main criticisms of Alya are 1) She’s not a good journalist and 2) She disregards Marinette’s feelings even though she’s her best friend.

The Good Journalist is something that I personally think is a fanon idea. Her being an ethical, searches only for the truth reporter who has integrity about the facts came from the hiatus, and my position on this is supported in canon.

When Marinette’s identity, the secret she holds most dear, is in jeopardy, because it’s Alya who is making the claim, she is unconcerned. If Alya was a threat to her identity (i.e. someone who often had evidence to support their claims) she would be worried, but instead she brushes it off. Like it’s not the first time Alya’s pitched a theory from left field at her. Even Nino laughs right in her face.

Volpina backs this up with her posting an unverified video of Lila claiming to be best friends with Ladybug without getting any sources or evidence that it could be true. In doing this, not only is she reducing her blog to a gossip column, but she is directly endangering this girl by blasting her relationship with a Superhero where anyone could see it. Because her scoop is more important that truth.

There’s also her crusade to find out Ladybug’s secret identity, something that, having established she’s a huge superhero comic fan, she should know the repercussions of. Endangerment of self, friends, and family in the face of a very dangerous super villain. It continues to prove where Alya’s priorities are.

But I actually want to make something clear: Being a bad journalist is not something I hate Alya for. She’s a young, immature girl. She’s wrapped in the excitement of magic and superheroes and is riding the hype to it’s conclusion. It’s partially Ladybug’s fault for indulging in Alya and being biased towards her friend that Alya has the platform she has and the belief in her abilities. And Alya does put a lot of hard work into her journalism, she just needs to do more growing and get a better understanding of what ethical journalism is.

I’m just critical of it because of the fanon warping her into this amazing journalist when she’s just a kid with no self preservation and tenacity. 

The Bad Friend thing is what imagine you mostly came here for. And I want to make it clear here as well: I don’t think Alya is a terrible friend. Most of the time I don’t think she’s even a bad friend. But what happened in Volpina, Heroes Day, and Chameleon hit me in a bad way.

In Volpina, we see Marinette express concern about Lila hanging over Adrien and Alya dismisses her to gush over her blog.

I didn’t have a problem with this when it first came out. Marinette knows Lila is a liar only because she is Ladybug and so she knows Lila is lying in her interview. Marinette has a problem with liars AND a jealousy problem that has gone unchecked by Volpina. But from Alya’s perspective, Marinette is being unreasonably possessive and is prone to over reacting. She has no obligation to interfere with Adrien and Lila just because Marinette is feeling territorial.

This only becomes an issue in addition to the other two episodes. 

In Heroes Day we get this gem of a line, which is really irritating, esPECIALLY because as a series finale it had to come after Frozer, which proved that Marinette has made great strides in overcoming her jealousy. As her best friend, Alya should be giving Marinette the benefit of the doubt, not Lila. But instead, she doesn’t ask what Marinette’s problem is with Lila she just assumes it without opening discussion about what could be bothering her usually kind and accommodating best friend. Compound it with her dismissal of Marinette in Volpina, and I’m beginning to get weary. 

But then Chameleon. Ooooooh Chameleon. Let me count the ways Alya specifically failed as a friend:

1) Kicked Marinette out if her seat without asking

2) Replaced Marinette as her seatmate with her boyfriend without asking

3) Pushing Marinette to the back row seat alone without asking

4) When Marinette claims Lila is lying, Alya asks for Marinette to prove Lila isn’t telling the truth instead of investigating if Lila is telling the truth.

5) Pulls that not apology apology that puts the blame on Marinette for getting upset about the situation. 

(gif by @oui-ladybug)

That last on is subject to interpretation, but look at it closely, There’s no “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation without your consent.” No “I’m sorry for not taking your feelings into account.” 

This throw away line is like someone saying “I’m sorry YOU got upset.” Like you overreacted. Like it’s your fault you got hurt.

You may say I’m reaching, and I’ll admit my interpretation is probably not a universal one. I’ve made no secret of it in past posts. I have a personal issue with how Alya acts in regard to Marinette’s feelings. 

I had a best friend from the age of 5 to 20. Looking back I can find a lot of flaws in our friendship but at the time I thought it was great, mutually supportive and filled with love. Until she started dating. She had a boyfriend her last two years of high school and up to around the time we stopped being friends. She was attached at the hip to him, spending all her free time with him instead of me and bringing him to outings with us without asking me first. I tried to hide my discomfort because I had already almost lost her friendship by throwing up a fuss over her dating him - because he was my ex (first!) boyfriend. But I put my feelings aside because she was really into him and I valued our friendship more than this dumb guy. But apparently I was the only one.

Things went downhill fast when we graduated high school. She and her boyfriend stayed at home and went to a local college (no shame there) and I went to a university 3 hours away. We weren’t going to see each other near as often obviously, but we had always been very good at texting and calling each other so I wasn’t worried. But she didn’t text me anymore. She never called. All contact I had to initiate first. She never made the drive up to see me unless she needed something (she stayed at my place when she wanted to go to the Renaissance Fair nearby my college). 

But what hurt most is when I would drive down to see her. I’d drive the three hours, having made plans weeks in advance to make sure it worked around our schedules, only for her to cancel last minute on me. Because she wanted to hang out with her boyfriend instead. The same boyfriend she saw LITERALLY everyday. And it happened multiple times.

She didn’t care what I did for her. She didn’t respect my time or effort or feelings. She assumed I’d be fine with it. She assumed I wouldn’t mind or if I did I’d “get over it” like I always do (get over it as in grin and bear it). She made decisions for me and without regard to what I thought. She just wanted a cardboard cutout to call Best Friend without actually putting in any of the work.

There are plenty of other things that started to bother me about our friendship, but because this is what ultimately ended it it’s what bothers me the most. So I take personal offense with Alya making assumptions about Marinette’s feelings and justifications without asking. I have issues with Alya making decisions for Marinette without asking. And I especially have issues with Alya choosing her boyfriend over her best friend because that hits me personally.

I know Chameleon was OOc for the characters…for MOST of the characters. But Alya? This has been building up. It’s not the first time. It’s just the most egregious time.

And a bonus it’s really annoying that Alya assumes Marinette is crazy jealous when a few of Marinette’s craziest moments are a result of Alya’s insistence or pushing OR Alya tries to steer her away from making mature decisions.

Marinette stealing Adrien’s phone?

Marinette making an elaborate scheme to separate Adrien from his bodyguard to go on a date with him?

Marinette tries to be realistic and help Adrien on his date while simultaneously letting him go?

Alya was one of those cases where one event made me think back really hard about her role as Marinette’s best friend and just what kind of hand she’s had in shaping Marinette’s behavior, and honestly? She’s not the amazing friend I remembered her as in Season 1. Which sucks! Because I lOVEd Alya. A sassy mom friend who takes no shit and gets shit done? A gorgeous POC that pushed her friend to make things happen for herself?! Yes please!

So I still hate on Chameleon, not just for the episode, but for the wakeup call I DIDN’t ask for!!

p.s. the reason I’m still salting on it is because the episode totally failed to resolve Alya’s issues in this episode. i.e. being a hypocrite.