#like I learned about the term asexual when I was 13? but I couldn’t accept that I am ace (and aro took even longer) until I was 16? 17?

[might-as-well-happen]

Isaac’s storyline in Heartstopper season 2 is so important to me. We’re going to have all these teens seeing themself on screen, seeing the struggles of “what even is attraction anyway and how does it feel?” Seeing the moment when you’re coming across the terms Aromantic and Asexual and finding a part of you that you never understood or wanted to understand come to light. And it feels so much better than you’d have ever imagined. Having to tell a good friend that you’re not interested, and having to hear a platitude that doesn’t actually comfort you. “You’ll find someone, you’ll feel it eventually”, knowing that it probably will not apply to you, but if it does what does that make you? A liar, a late bloomer, indecisive? (Don’t worry it doesn’t - labels can change and feelings can too, identifying with one label at one point and a different label at another is totally fine!).

Finally realizing that you’re ace/aro, and being so so so happy about it. Knowing you’re not alone or weird or wrong, but you’re just you and that’s perfect.

Teens will be able to see that, and see themselves in Isaac’s storyline! It’s so awesome that we have that, and done in such an amazing way too, it makes me so happy.

[acearchivist359]

not to get sappy about heartstopper season three coming out but the scene of isaac coming out to his friends as asexual [and aromantic of course i don’t want to erase that from the scene because that’s also very important to his character but it’s his asexuality that impacted me and that’s what i wanna talk about not to diminish him being aro rep but what him also being ace rep has meant to me personally] and talking about it with them has just been stuck in my head all day since i watched that episode and it’s so important to me that scene exists and i’ve been emotional about it all day

heartstopper season two and the character of isaac were kind of accidentally instrumental in my… journey i guess, for lack of a better word, of really coming to terms with and accepting my own asexuality. the fact that i was ace had been something that i’d kinda known for a long time but refused for years to actually acknowledge and really accept. i learned the word asexual from this app actually when i was like 13 and it was like as soon as i learned the word i… resonated with it somehow. from the ages of about 13 to almost 21 it was something that would pop into my head every now and then as a concept but i would always push it down and kinda be like “well i don’t have time to think about that right now” “i don’t have time to have that breakdown right now”

it wasn’t until i was like 18 that i met the majority of my friends and that i ended up really facing it for the first time through having one of my friends actually talk about it. i met my friends through an spn group chat in 2020 when those were really popular and as those things go it eventually trickled down from being a lot of us to just a few. eventually one of my friends had been kinda tossing around that they might be ace and they’d kinda been asking our other friends what sexual attraction kinda felt like and i really realized in that conversation that i . very much didn’t know. even without really intending to identify as ace or come out at all in that conversation i really questioned it too i mean i was even asking my own questions by the end.

i didn’t end up actually coming out until… early to mid 2023 and by that point it was like . the closet was glass i mean i wasn’t even hiding it. my best friend [who was in the gc answering our sexual attraction questions a few years back] was calling me ace already by that point and i pretty much knew that i was but i had a hard time saying it for awhile. i think part of my problem was i don’t know much and i had a hard time grasping at my feelings about sex and attraction enough to really feel.. settled with it. i think also . it had become kind of a joke in my friend group that i was the token straight cishet friend and that even extended outside of just my friends on twitter with my irl best friend coming out as by in the last few years and my sister being a trans lesbian. and i am still straight and cis but . i felt weird about the idea of stepping out of that identity like idk i was worried what people would think. not that i thought my friends cared i mean they all kinda knew but … i couldn’t stop thinking that if i was wrong and i actually was just straight cishet and most importantly allo i felt that i would’ve.. lied ? i guess? like if i was wrong i was just like … co opting other people’s identities. even though i was pretty sure. but the trouble was i didn’t really have much to actually go off when it came to sexual experiences or anything cause at that point i’d been mostly single since like 15 besides one kinda complicated on and off situationship [which actually that guy was the first person to suggest to my face i might be ace and i probably should have listened] and i felt like i couldn’t say anything definitive somehow without that.

that continued for awhile. the other big thing that happened was when i got into the magnus archives and the main character was so relatable to me in so many ways and was also canonically ace, my first bit of ace rep i saw, and i couldn’t get that out of my head. i spiralled about it a lot in voice messages to my best friend and finally consulted my ace friends like a smart person. the most monumental thing for me was when i talked to one of my friends who identifies as ace and i told him i was worried that maybe i wasn’t ace but i just had really weird thoughts and feelings about sex and i couldn’t tell if it was a brain thing or a real lack of attraction. what he told me was essentially that well it’s my brain . and if that is a label that fits how i think about things then it can be a label for me.

that’s about when heartstopper season two came out. i’d mostly accepted that i was ace, i’d basically had a breakdown about it to all of my friends as well as my sister, i knew that i was deep down but i had a hard time saying it. i’d actually also just started seeing my now boyfriend at that point and that had become a thing i was really stuck on. i spent a lot of time worrying about what my asexuality would mean for my relationship because my boyfriend is straight cis and allo. and while i am also most of those things i spent my formative years on tumblr in fandom and he spent his .. being a hockey player. and it wasn’t that i thought he wouldn’t accept me because he did when i eventually told him but … i couldn’t get past the idea that sex was not very important to me but it could be to him and i didn’t know how i felt about having it and didn’t know what that reluctance would mean. i also just don’t really place a lot of value on it within relationships and i worried he would and that it would somehow be a dealbreaker that i didn’t. which it wasn’t cause that was almost a year and a half ago and we’re still together and we manage everything fine. so when season two came out that’s where my head was. so watching isaac realizing he was ace and struggling with the concepts of it really struck me. when i finished that season i went into an absolute spiral of scrolling through post about asexuality and researching it. i even actually picked up that book that isaac reads. and while there things in that book that didn’t sit right with me there were also many things that did.

that was really the key i think to finally actually coming out for me. that was the point where i finally actually felt solidified in it. i still don’t know necessarily where i stand fully on the ace spectrum but . i could actually say with confidence that i was ace and mean it. where before i either didn’t really talk about it or i dismissed it with “probably ace” or “possibly ace”. i was asexual. i am asexual. so to watch isaac now in season three talk about it to his friends and open up to them and just . fully know and understand it really hit me to see. i wish that i had been able to see something like that when i was a bit younger and maybe i could have spent less years pushing away the inevitable but . i owe a lot to isaac and to alice oseman and the the show for exploring that. i think if i didn’t resonate with isaac and his method of processing his asexuality so much in season two i’d have continued to have a hard time saying that i was ace for a while. i’m proud of isaac and how far he’s come …. and i’m proud of myself too.

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: Pride Asks!

It may be August, but I’m a big believer in Pride Year, so today I’m going through the list of questions I found on this post and answering the ones I feel like thinking about!

(Turns out I felt like answering all thirty-four of them. Have fun!)

1. Which labels do you use?

I am greyromantic and demisexual! I also use aromantic and asexual, or aro-ace.

2. Do you like to use the term queer for yourself? Or just LGBT, etc?

I’m here, I’m queer! I understand why some people aren’t comfortable with reclaiming this word, but it works well for me. You can’t leave out the A when you call it a queer community.

3. Which pronouns do you use?

She/her

4. Are you "out" to your family and friends?

Yep!

5. Are you "out" publicly?

Yep!

6. (If you're out) do you wish you came out sooner? Later? Or was it the right time?

I wish I’d known it was an option sooner. I couldn’t have come out before I knew about it, so I suppose it was the right time. But I wish I’d spent fewer years thinking there was something wrong with me.

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family?

No, but when I came out, I didn’t know that there were other queer people in my family.

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender:

My gender is “respect me!”

9. When did you realize you weren't cishet?

In middle school, I knew I wasn’t feeling the same thing that my peers were describing when they talked about crushes. But it was easy enough to dismiss it as just another thing that was different about me. I was already anosmic and autistic, and always the first Jewish kid that anyone had ever met. I assumed I was “straight but broken” for the longest time. I didn’t even really believe that I could be asexual the first time I heard the word, in college. I joined my school’s Feminist Union, and that’s where I learned that there are more options to sexuality than straight or gay, more options to gender than boy or girl, and that romantic and sexual attraction weren’t the same thing. I went on Tumblr and followed as many queer blogs as I could find – I was determined to learn everything I could about all the identities, so I could be the best ally ever! One day, I saw a post with the word “demisexual” in it, and I Googled it. I read the definition, and it clicked.

10. Something that gives you gender euphoria (whether you're cis or trans):

When people call me “sir” or “ma’am.”

11. Favorite (or just one you love) piece of LGBT media?

Technically You Started It by Lana Wood Johnson. I wish I could reach back through time and hand this book to my preteen self.

12. Name some queer artists/bands or songs you like most:

“For Me” by Dearlie and “Never Been in Love” by Will Jay stand out. I’m not sure if it was intentional, but “Good Thing” by Zedd and Kehlani is SO aro.

13. Do you choose to reclaim slurs, why or why not?

Every word we use to describe ourselves has been used against us pejoratively. If I find a word works for me, I use it. If someone asks me not to use a word for them or around them, then I won’t use it for them or around them.

14. How do you think other factors like neurodivergency or upbringing have impacted your identity?

I’m Jewish, anosmic, and autistic. I understood from a very young age that there were things about me that made me different from other people, that other people wouldn’t be able to see right away. Once they realized that that difference existed, they would doubt me, question me, negatively judge me, and distance themselves from me. In a way, that all prepared me to realize and accept my asexuality and aromanticism.

I also give my parents a lot of credit for never putting any pressure on me to date when I was a kid or a teen. In hindsight, my childhood home was a very safe place to be aro-ace. Queerness wasn’t something we ever talked about, so it’s not like they encouraged me to explore, but they never discouraged it, either. When I first told my mom I thought I might have a crush on a girl, she immediately hugged me and told me she loved me, and that was the end of the conversation. I knew I could come to her and my dad with whatever new discovery I might make about myself.

15. How has your identity changed over time?

I went from “I have no idea” to “straight but broken” to “panromantic demisexual” to “greyromantic demisexual.”

16. Do you attend Pride in person every year?

No. I’d like to, but there’s a pandemic going on out there. And I live in Florida.

17. Have you ever attended Pride in a big city/ large metro area?

I went to Orlando Pride once with my then-boyfriend. There was a big, colorful parade, I bought a demisexual pride flag, and someone gave me a pair of rainbow sunglasses that I wore til they broke.

18. How old were you when you got to attend your first Pride? Who did you go with?

I think that Orlando Pride I mentioned was my first Pride. I was twenty-four or so.

19. Do you feel safe and accepted in your local community?

Safe enough, and accepted enough, given that it’s Florida. I stay in the Disney bubble enough that I don’t feel the need to constantly look over my shoulder. I have a girlfriend I love and friends I adore. That said, while no one locally is actively out to hurt me, it’s rare that anyone besides my girlfriend and a few key friends is actively out to understand and support my queerness, either. I try to find other aros and aces to hang out with in person, but it’s hard.

20. Do you feel like you "fit in" with the queer/Pride community overall?

I feel like I do. But I don’t think that they feel like I do.

21. What message would you give to your younger self?

Everything about you – everything you feel, everything you experience – is just as good, just as valid, and just as important as anyone else.

22. How do you usually celebrate Pride month?

These days mostly through TikToks.

23. Do you prefer loud parties or quiet?

Game night!

24. Do you practice any religion, if so how does it play into your LGBT identity? Do you feel welcomed by your spiritual community?

I’m Jewish. Masorti/Conservative. Like I said before, being Jewish in a predominantly Christian area prepared me in a way for being aro and ace. People struggle to understand it in similar ways; people are nice to me until they learn about it in similar ways. My community is pretty chill about it. They know I’m queer. My girlfriend and I met at synagogue. It doesn’t come up much, really. They’re more interested in the fact that I’m a twenty-something in a congregation where everyone is either much older or much younger than me.

25. What queer discourse frustrates you the most?

“Aces and aros aren’t LGBT!” “You’re not queer enough!” “You’re not oppressed enough!”

We have nothing to gain from shutting each other out, and everything to lose from perpetuating hate.

26. How do you feel about the term partner rather than husband/girlfriend/etc?

Partner is a great word! One of the ways my aromanticism shows up is in a fluctuating romance-repulsion. Sometimes I’m happy with romantic behaviors and ideas, and sometimes I’m really not okay with any of it! Right now, I’m calling my girlfriend my girlfriend, but sometimes that word doesn’t sit well with me. When we first announced our relationship on social media, I called her my “person.” I’m a big fan of having more words, more options, for how to describe the many ways our lives and relationships can be. “Partner” is great.

27. What gender-neutral terms for yourself or others do you use (i.e. joyfriend)?

My person. My partner. My friend. Babe.

28. Do you experience both romantic and sexual attraction? Do you experience them the same across any gender(s) you are attracted to?

Great question! I experience both at times, rarely. I’m demisexual – I only experience sexual attraction towards someone after I have an emotional connection with that person – and I’m greyromantic – I sometimes experience romantic attraction to others, without a clear pattern to it. Gender has never been an important factor for me. I’ve been in love with he’s, she’s, and they’s, and it comes and goes the same either way!

29. Are you currently partnered, or if not are you interested in having partner(s)?

My girlfriend and I have been a romantic couple for about three months. We were friends for about two years before that. I want to build a future together with someone, to make big life decisions together, to create a home together and have each other around for hugs whenever we need them.

But I feel fine when I don’t have that. Who I am when I’m in love and who I am when I’m not in love – it’s both me. I’m whole either way. But I know what I want.

30. Are you monogamous or polyamorous?

Not sure! I’ve never been in love with more than one person at a time, but I’m pretty sure I could be. I think it would be amazing to have more than one person you have that kind of understanding with and can count on like that. But I’m comfortable with monogamy. It’s not like my romantic partner is the only important person in my life; my family and friends are just as important.

31. Post a pic in your pride gear (or it can just be a selfie or anything else lgbt):

I don’t have any good pride pics right now, but I found this picrew I saved, like, two years ago:

32. Do you do arts and crafts? Post a pic of a project you've done:

I’m a writer, so have a poem instead:

I am yours to sit up with past midnight I am yours now to hold very near I am yours to give flowers and chocolates I am yours when I tell you my fears

I am yours when you soothe all my worries I am yours when you calm all my rants I am yours here beside you for always I am yours since you gave me the chance

I am yours when I tell you you’re silly I am yours when you tell me the same I am yours now to keep us both mindful I am yours in both sunshine and rain

I am yours when we meet in the morning I am yours when I tell you goodbye I am yours, though the allos will tell us That love without sex is a lie

Incidentally, I’m working on a book of Aromantic Asexual Love Poems. If you’ve read this far and you’re interested in beta-reading a queer poetry book, please reach out!

33. What about your LGBT identity do you feel proud of/ want to recognize/celebrate?

The freedom! The freedom to not know what’s going on with me, to be inconsistent, to figure out what’s best for me and my relationships, to build my future day by day by day. Recognizing my aromanticism and asexuality has opened so many doors for me and given me so much hope!

34. What are you needing most right now (what would make your life easier or more fulfilling in regards to existing as queer)?

More people who are neither aro nor ace mentioning aro and ace people in queer contexts. We can’t be the only ones speaking up for ourselves. Y’all need to be positive and noisy about us, too. That’s how we know we’re safe with you.

[asexual-society]

Asexuality and Me (It's Kind of a Long Story) by @darcyshire

I had my first boyfriend when I was in my early teens. He was a good friend, we got along very well, and he remains to this day very special to my heart. We were together for just a few months — not so uncommon for a junior high relationship — and I broke up with him because I was pretty sure he was going to try to kiss me. Not anything more than that, nothing “too far” for a pair of 13-year-olds, but that was too much for me. I apologized profusely, and he was upset because he didn’t understand what the issue was — because I couldn’t tell him. It sounded so dumb.

I had a few more boyfriends in the next couple years, and every time it was the same: if I felt that things were moving past holding hands or hugs, I ended the relationship. I was a serial dumper, never the “dumpee”. 

When I made it to high school, I had a group of friends, some of whom identified as lesbians. I was intrigued by the comfort they had in their relationships with other girls, so I wondered, “Am I maybe gay, and that’s why I keep breaking up with boys?” I thought about it and realized that no, I did often find myself having crushes on boys I knew well and enjoyed the company of. I also had those feelings for a few girls I knew well. I toyed with “bisexual” as a label, and used that privately, in my own head only, until I came across the term “pansexual” online, which I felt was a perfect description of the feelings I was having (minus the sex part). Gender didn’t matter when it came to crushes; I liked who I liked, and that was that.

When I had my first “real” boyfriend, I was 15. He asked before he kissed me the first time, and it turned out that I didn’t hate it. I did hate when he brought up sex. At the time, I was involved in my church, and I was opposed to sex outside of marriage, so the idea of going against that was upsetting. I wanted him to stay with me, so I went along with some of what he wanted — and it made me feel disgusting. Same thing with my next boyfriend; I dreaded anything to do with sex. I thought about whether it might feel different if I was with a girl instead, but with my involvement in a fairly conservative church community, I felt it wasn’t safe to try. 

When I met my now-husband, I felt none of the pressures I had felt before. He quickly became my best friend, and we got along incredibly well. He and I had similar values when it came to saving sex for marriage, so I didn’t have to worry about that aspect of our relationship. We dated for 4 years before we got married, and I was absolutely, 100% sure that marrying him was what I wanted, and what would make me happy. Our pre-marital counsellor had asked if waiting for sex had been difficult; my husband said yes, and I said absolutely not. I truly spent no time thinking about it. As our wedding date approached, however, I started to get very anxious. So much so that my own therapist suggested not “doing the deed” on our wedding night, to take the pressure off and make the experience less nerve-wracking. (I ignored her recommendation, and everything went mostly fine.)

For the first few weeks of our marriage, I was pretty indifferent about sex. I wasn’t interested in it, but my husband was, so I participated at his request. It wasn’t exciting or enjoyable for me, but it wasn’t something I was terrified of until a few months later, when I started having feelings of deep distress afterwards. I would wait for him to fall asleep, and would go out into our living room and cry; sometimes I had thoughts about self-harm or suicide. I became deeply depressed (more than I had ever been before, as depression has been a part of my life for many years), and my husband noticed that I was never initiating intimate experiences. We were married in August 2019, and the last time we had sex was February 2020, because I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t stop asking myself what was wrong with me. What was broken? Was it because of my previous relationships? Was my depression making me frigid? (Of course, I never considered the fact that sex had been of no interest to ever, even when everyone around me was thinking about it constantly). 

[This is a long story, so my apologies that it’s a bit rambling. Now to the good stuff!]

I was scrolling Tumblr in the early months of 2020, and I came across the term “asexual”. I’d not really heard much about it before, but from the short description, it seemed like it fit my experience. I did some online searches, and came across a document from AsexualityArchive.com called “Asexuality: A Brief Introduction.” I read the whole thing in an afternoon and found myself literally crying, because I felt so relieved. I learned that day that there was nothing wrong with me, that there were other people who also had no interest in sex — some were even repulsed by the very idea of taking part in sexual experiences, like I was. I told my husband, fearing he would leave me, and he was incredibly loving, gracious, and accepting. He loves me for my personality, not for what I can offer him sexually.

I started using the label “asexual”, (‘ace’ for short), and felt really comfortable in that. When I learned about the split-attraction model that many aspec folx use, I changed my labels to “panromantic/asexual” (pan-ace), because that fit even better. When I began to question my own experience of gender and sexuality, and got involved with the rainbow community, I decided that “queer ace” was the best fit of all, and that’s where I’m at today. I’ve come out to my family as queer, and was unfortunately outed to my husband’s (conservative Christian) family before I was ready, but after the fact, I am glad the people closest to me know that being queer is am important part of my identity. 

Only my husband, my mom, and a few close female friends know about my asexuality (outside of the online queer communities I’m a member of), because I’m tired of hearing people say things like, “maybe it’s just your depression”, or “you should see your doctor about that”. Plus, it’s mine and my husband’s private business how we conduct our sex life, not anyone else’s. I didn’t know there was a word for people like me until early 2020, but I’ve been ace my whole life; looking back on things now, I can find many indicators of asexuality starting from before I was even a teen. 

I’m now 24 years old and a proud member of the queer and aspec communities. I hope that my story might give hope to others who have been asking themselves why they have so little interest in sex. It’s not a defect — it’s just the way we were made. As a person of faith, this realization has meant the world to me. 

[unforth]

And since I did promise writing prompts... @mirikins sent -

MXTX love interests gushing about their husbands to each other!

Remember when I said this would be short? LMAO.

Anyway, under a cut cause of citrus content.

Tags: consensual infidelity (indications that all six of these people are sleeping around with each other), canon bottoms and tops, asexual/sex averse Shen Yuan, idek what else

"Well, my husband?" said Wei Ying with a smug smile. "He's into all the kinky stuff. Even let me experiment with his sword! Anything I want? Green light, he's ready to go. And he's one of the greatest cultivators in the world. AND he waited for me for 13 years!"

Shen Yuan rolled his eyes. And who, exactly, would want that? Binghe suggested kinky shit all the time, and no fucking thank you.

"Wasn't it 16 years?" asked Xie Lian gently.

"Eh, whatever." Wei Ying waved away the correction. "Toh-may-toh, toh-mah-toh. The point is: he's a kinky ho and I love him. I'll lend you his incense burner sometime. With how long you and the big H-C pined for each other? You'll love it."

"Um. Thank you. I'll...keep that in mind." Cheeks gently pinked, Xie Lian hid what might have been a laugh behind a raised hand, his creepy bracers thing wiggling in reaction to his suppressed discomfort. "San Lang is the best. He cherishes me! And, ya know, murders anyone who gives me trouble. And he can change his shape, his height, his...well, you get the idea. He's really the best." By the time he'd finished speaking, his pleasure and amusement seemed genuine; his eyes sparkled and looked into the distance, like he could actually see that freaky butterfly blood rain guy he always simped for.

Shen Yuan had a guy who would murder for him, and it was about 5,000 fewer "coolness" points than it was cracked up to be, no matter what the System said. And to all the rest...blech. No. What was with these two?

And why were they both looking at him expectantly?

"What?" he demanded, flipping his fan open and raising it to cover his face so he could side-eye them more effectively.

"Won't you speak for your husband?" Xie Lian suggested; Shen Yuan didn't bother repressing his grimace at the term husband.

"Yeah, Luo Binghe seems like the best of both those, right? Total slut, and murderous hell-beast!"

...not inaccurate...

"San Lang is not a hell-beast!"

...but god did Shen Yuan not want to talk about it...

"Murderous ghost king, my bad."

...maybe, if Wei Ying and Xie Lian squabbled long enough, they'd forget they'd asked him a question.

"Better, thank you."

Silence.

They were looking at him expectantly again.

Fuck my life.

"Luo Binghe is..." Trying to think of literally any answer, Shen Yuan frowned, forehead furrowing...and then an idea struck him, and he grinned. "Oh, he's the best lover in the world." The two exchanged a look; Xie Lian's cheeks pinked again, and Wei Ying licked his lips. "And hung - seriously, his dick? Enormous." There was undisguised hunger on Wei Ying's face, and a twitch of white robes near Xie Lian's waist. "Don't get me wrong. I've read your books. Your guys? Sound amazing, too. But if kink and size are what you like?" He paused and enjoyed watching them each noticeably doing the mental calculations. "Woohee, amazing. And, if I may add...he loves a good orgy."

"I would never!" exclaimed Xie Lian.

"...I might..." Wei Ying murmured thoughtfully.

"He's home now...why not check with your hubby's?" Shen Yuan suggested.

"You won't mind?" Xie Lian asked.

"Pssh," Shen Yuan laughed, actually genuine. "I read 4 million words about him fucking other people. As long as you guys have fun, and he has fun, that's enough for me."

"Oh..."

"Hm..."

"Be my guest," Shen Yuan said with a gracious wave of his fan toward his and Luo Binghe's palace. Luo Binghe had promised to fuck him senseless when he got back.

The other two hesitated.

As if Shen Yuan wanted to get fucked senseless. Again.

The other two exchanged a long look.

Luo Binghe was exhausting. All Shen Yuan wanted was a break!

The other two broke into matched sprints, robes streaming behind them as they ran toward the palace.

They all knew that Hua Cheng and Lan Wangji wouldn't mind; Hua Cheng would likely protest not being invited, and as long as Wei Ying was honest with Lan Wangji, it'd be a non-issue. All four were so invested in seeing their husbands happy, as long as consent was established it was a non-issue. Shen Yuan knew for a fact that Xie Lian and Wei Ying had exchanged husbands at least twice.

They'd never offered to share with Shen Yuan, nor asked after Luo Binghe. He'd always wondered why...well, he still didn't know the answer, but at least now he knew it wasn't for lack of interest. When Luo Binghe found out Shen Yuan had sanctioned this...Shen Yuan was about 99.9% sure he wouldn't mind either.

A twinge of jealousy seeped down Shen Yuan's spine, then dissipated.

Luo Binghe would do it...because he knew it would make Shen Yuan happier to watch than Shen Yuan ever was being fucked.

And Shen Yuan knew that enthusiastic partners would make Luo Binghe feel better, at least physically, than Shen Yuan ever could with his tolerance and acceptance that sex was something Luo Binghe needed, but not something Shen Yuan needed, or even particularly wanted.

Xie Lian and Wei Ying would get fucked by what Shen Yuan was positive would be the biggest schlong they'd ever seen.

Lan Wangji and Hua Cheng would get to simp and show how much they adored their spouses by indulging them...and, given what Shen Yuan had unfortunately learned of their proclivities, also likely enjoy the sloppy seconds.

Luo Binghe would finally get two bottoms to exhaust him.

And Shen Yuan would get a nice, long nap...after he rubbed one or two out while playing voyeur.

Everyone would get what they wanted.

Shen Yuan couldn't have arranged things better if he'd tried...he had tried...the whole conversation had been his idea...

It was worth sharing, because it would make Luo Binghe happy.

And, though he'd never admit it even under pain of death...Shen Yuan couldn't possibly value his husband's happiness higher, or love him more.

Luo Binghe would be happy.

That was all Shen Yuan ever needed.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

Demisexuality

So yesterday was National Coming Out Day. While this isn’t about me coming out, per se, as I am a hetero female, it did get me thinking further about the... accessory (I don’t know if this is even the right term to use? I’m still learning) to my main sexuality. 

I didn’t feel the urge to broadcast this to family or anything, as I know it would bring up more questions and I didn’t want to bother having to explain myself. Not to mention this is purely me, not totally a big deal, and I feel it’s not my family’s business to know anything else. I wasn’t sure where else to put these thoughts other than coming back to Tumblr since it seemed fitting, and my page is fairly private.

So a few months ago over the summer I came across the term demisexual from an old friend’s FB post -- basically her stating that she was demi. Admittedly, while I am a huge supporter of LGBTQ+ and everywhere in between (you do you boo), I am unfortunately not very good at keeping up with terms and identities. That being said, demisexual was one I was not familiar with. 

I brushed it off for a while to look it up. I don’t know why I decided recently to look back into it. My gut was telling me something, and I had to listen.

You know that feeling you get when you read about something you haven’t heard of before and you realize it identifies with you to the core of your soul? So heavy it’s like getting hit by a bus? Yes? No? Well, that’s what it feels like to me. I felt the same thing when stumbled across terminology for social anxiety and social phobia when I was a teen (officially diagnosed in early 20s), and I felt the same reading about demisexuality.

I know I’ve always been a bit... naive when it comes to romance and relationships and whatnot. However, I honestly never knew that being attracted aesthetically to someone’s physical appearance was not the same thing as being sexually attracted to them. Yep. Almost 30 years old and didn’t know that. I feel pretty foolish about it, but hey. I didn’t know, and apparently demisexuality is a very subtle thing, so it does make sense in a way why I wouldn’t know.

Growing up, it was weird being around other girls in school as they talked about what guys were hot, which celebs in which movies were good looking, what they would love to do to them, etc. I felt like an alien pretty much 100% of the time. There wasn’t a single celebrity I found attractive until I was about 16 or so, even then I never thought about having sex with any of them. I just imagined what it would be like to get kissed and have conversations with someone that romantically liked me. That’s it.

As for sex, I was pretty repulsed by it most of my teens honestly. I never watched porn, still never have to this day as I find it disgusting. Sex scenes in movies also often grosses me out. And yes, I was always called a prude for this. I never felt the urge to masturbate or anything. Sex wasn’t a main priority so why everyone else made it as such was just odd to me. What was even weirder was the fact that people literally just hooked up for one night. Why? I still don’t understand this to this day and could never picture myself doing it, ever. (Especially now since I’m married)

When I did develop real life crushes on guys I knew -- which I can only count on one hand how many crushes I have had in my life, my first one being at 13 -- if I didn’t know them personally, I just thought about how nice it would be for them to notice me and talk, kiss me once and that’s about it. I never imagined making out with anyone.

Most of my crushes that I did have were of guys I knew and were either friends with or were once friends with. I never realized that was different from everyone else. That girls often dated guys who they weren’t friends with first. For a long time I literally didn’t know this was a thing. I always assumed relationships were always like really good friends first because that’s how I always imagined them to be. Being the lovely socially awkward teen that I was, I didn’t bother dating anyone all of my teen years. I was scared and timid mainly. Scared of rejection, no confidence in myself, and overall afraid to show what little experience I had and not wanting to have sex with anyone.

Which brings me to my very first relationship which led to marriage. It makes even more sense now why I chose to be with the person I’m with now, and not having any other relationships prior to this. (Yes I’m lucky, and I am also very fucking happy I did not have to navigate the sea of dating.) My now husband and I have known each other for over 10 years. (Holy shit I feel so old typing that.) I’ll save the long story, but I always said I never felt the same feelings with other guys as I did with him. I couldn’t explain it. Partly that feeling was the fact that he was my soulmate, but also because I had a connection. It wasn’t his looks that I was attracted to, although I do love his beard, dark hair, and blue eyes because that is what is aesthetically pleasing to me with men (you could call it a type I guess? Although I don’t find myself swooning with many guys that have these features). But what makes me sexually attracted to him the most is our history and emotional bond.

***TMI Alert***

As for sex, I now understand how I’m not so sexually charged. There are many days where I’m not in the mood at all. Like flat out, “No thank you. There is nothing you can do that will get me aroused, please leave me alone and don’t touch me.” I am also specific which... um... positions I prefer as well. Most positions repulse me and I don’t know why. They just do and I can’t explain it. There are also positions I very much enjoy and I stay aroused with them. I always thought I was broken with all of this, but really it’s just me. (Side note: My pelvic floor kind of is as I also have vaginismus and it makes things difficult, I was working with PT on this recently, but new job has put it on hold.) I mean, I’m not broken, but I prefer not having sex most of the time. Probably more often than most people. I’m not asexual, because I DO feel arousal and will pursue when I want to, but it’s rare. Now I’m understanding from this and from what I’ve been reading how demisexuality does fit under the umbrella of asexuality, even though it is somewhat different.

I’m still reading more about this, but I wanted to type this up to get my thoughts out of my head. I feel like this little weight I didn’t know was there has been lifted and it feels good to know that other people are this way too and it’s not just me and my weird self. It used to stress me out a lot not being aroused or not liking being touched when I feel like I’m supposed to be. I mean, I still get stressed about it, but now knowing I’m demisexual, it’ll help a lot to work on accepting myself and my body more.

[richtea-biscuit]

Thank you @a-fritterer for tagging me. Prepare for a lot of answers in the negative

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

It was my mum so I’m confident that she did

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

No, 18 is slightly on the young side. Plus, I had to deal with many of them at uni last year and it made me realise what a difference 3 years can make

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Probably never, if I’m going to have mixed feelings about something, it’s not going to be that mix

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do if I accidentally make eye-contact just to be polite

5. Is there someone who’s mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I’m not dating anyone so no

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Yes, a song my grandad loved came on shuffle

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

Gryffindor pyjamas

8. How often do you listen to music?

All day, every day

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014?

Wow, you can really tell the age of this game. In hindsight, I would say my life has changed, I feel like I know myself much better which has made me a lot happier. Even when life isn’t going great, at least I know who I am and no longer feel lost in my own body and mind

11. Are you a social or antisocial person?

I’m pretty social when I’m with people I know and like

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter “A”?

Yes, it’s not a pleasant memory though

13. What about “R”?

No

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Technically yes but not legally

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yes, I’m pretty paranoid about that. It’s turned me into a chronic people pleaser

16. Are you going out of town soon?

No

17. When was the last time you cried?

Whenever I watched series 2 of Derry Girls. The last episode made me cry, no shame

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Platonically, lots. I tell my friends and family I love them all the time. Romantically, that person whose name begins with A and there are regrets

19. If you could change your eye colour, would you?

No, my eyes are the only thing I’m happy with

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Jeon Jungkook lol

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having

I feel like it’s been a day of Procrastination because I’m so tired-out from my mum’s birthday party yesterday

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

I like the thought of it. And I love it in fanfic, it makes me soft

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

No

24. What are you sitting on right now?

My bed

25. Does anyone regularly tell you they love you (other than family)?

@penicillinjimin tells me at least semi-regularly

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

No

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

My nan

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yes, RIP me every winter

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I want to say Primark but I don’t know

30. Does anyone hate you?

Probably

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I can drink legally, I do34n’t need to be hiding it

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I can take it or leave it

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

Honestly, the thought gives me the ick

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

If I had to, the year of the “A” but I don’t really want to. I think I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I deleted it, and for the worse because that was the start of a very long journey of realising I was asexual. I think that about all my experiences, good and bad, they shaped the person I am today

35. Did you have a dream last night?

No

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

My mum yesterday

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

And not push away and guy that pays attention to me out of fear? lol

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Not anymore they don’t, I made sure of that

39. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

The person reading this? Am I funny yet?

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

Yes

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

No

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

No

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

No

44. What’s the best part about school?

I loved learning but I didn’t like the other children

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Other than my profile picture, they’re all about 5 years old because I hide from cameras

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Do people actually do that?

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

I try to surpress it

48. Were you single over the last summer?

I’m the hopeless romantic that’s forever alone

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Not really

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Whatever I feel like

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No, I don’t waste my time like that. I waste it in infinite other ways instead

52. Are you nice to everyone?

Even when I don’t want to be. I just can’t be rude

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Friend-wise, yes

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Definitely yes. Even if I weren’t asexual, it would be yes. I absolutely despise cheating. My friend cheated on her boyfriend once and we had a massive row about it because she didn’t like that I wasn’t on her side

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Yes, I cover them up with other feelings. It’s my special skill

56. Do you think you like someone?

It’s very hard for me to tell. It requires a 10-page thesis for me to work these things out. Not that it really matters because like I said, I get scared and turn into a bitch to push people away

57. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a “J”?

Yes - spin the bottle. I got dragged into it

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Boys. I think that’s more because it’s what I’m used to from when I was at school

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Yes

60. Do you hate anyone?

No, I get fairly apathetic

61. How’s your heart?

I’ll ask it. “Hey heart, how you doing?” It says da-dum

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Yes

63. Have you ever cried over a guy

Yes, I was an idiot.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Nobody I can think of

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

I hope not

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry, correct?

I feel like “love” is the wrong word. Boys should be encouraged to show their emotions though, crying is good for you

68. Have your trousers even fallen down in public?

No

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My mum when we were in proper lockdown

70. How do you look right now?

A face only a mother could love. It’s bedtime so there’s no make-up and my hair’s a mess

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

No

72. Can you commit to one person?

Yes

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

No

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Yes

75. Did you wake up cranky?

No

76. Are you a jealous person?

Yes, I try to keep a check on it though

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like tot think that they are, but maybe fiction has given me an idealistic view point

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

No

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

My friends

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Brush my teeth

81. Last person you cried in front of?

I actually don’t remember

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Many

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

Yes, Jungkook is my man and he is protective of all ARMY (I’m joking, don’t worry I’m not crazy. Just spicing my answers up)

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

85. Are you over your past?

Is anyone ever? Like I said before, I think it’s all important to who I am now so I keep key elements of it fresh in my mind as reminders to not make the same mistakes and let myself get hurt like that again

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yes

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

No

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I don’t know about “true love” but if the person I thought I loved came to my door, I would tell them to fuck off

89. The last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM, do you let them in?

It’d probably be an emergency and we’re not on bad terms as such so yeah

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

No, they hating came later

91. Will you be in a relationship in two months?

I highly doubt it

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

My mum’s friend

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

I was emotionally invested in my relationship with the Jungkook photocard I had on the wall next to my bed. It was at head height when I sat down so when I was going through tough times, I would talk to it so I didn’t feel so lonely. It was an amazing listener lol. And it’s answer was always “love yourself” and I’d say “You’re right as always. Thanks Kookie” (I swear I’m not crazy)

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in march?

Same as January

96. Is the last person you texted attractive?

Objectively speaking I think @penicillinjimin is very pretty. I don’t find her attractive but that’s nothing personal

97. Who do you have texts from?

Domino’s (with discount codes, it’s true love)

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Ok?

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

No

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

It’s just me

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

No, fireworks are there to be seen guys

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Yes

Tagging whoever wants to do it

[symphonic--chaos]

Empires of Brick and Blood Chapter 5 - Mea Culpa Rating: PG-13 This chapter is set to the song: Se Quel Dolor: IX. Occhi de' miei desire d'amor nidi - Fieri Consort

Also posted on AO3

Jacob's large frame looked awkward within the relatively small visitor chair settled in the darker corner of the room they'd placed Bane in. One long leg bounced quickly as he watched the nurse moving around the bed, taking vitals and marking them on the chart she seemed to use as a reference, notes from the previous nurse that had come in to check on him an hour ago. Nothing had changed, Jacob had watched his friends monitor obsessively, he could have given her all the information she was looking for. The machine was still going with his erratic heartbeat, each brief pause in the beeps keeping Jacob on edge and ready to go for the nearest doctor at the station around the corner. Without Bane awake, and without anyone else blood-related to him or without a proxy, they were at a stand-still on what to do. There was no DNR on file, nor was Bane himself on file anywhere, which Jacob knew well because it was a way to hide his identity. Taking in a slow breath and soon clearing his throat as he shifted to lean his elbows on his knees, his attention turned to the door as Izzy walked in with the doctor, both talking about what they should do, Izzy looking at Jacob then as she motioned to him. 

"He's Bane's best friend. If anyone's going to make a decision, he'd know what Bane would want best." Jacob's heart dropped into his stomach as he swallowed the lump in his throat, standing to go over to them. Yes, he was his best friend, he knew exactly what Bane would have wanted, but at this point there was a struggle within him of sticking with what Bane wanted and going off his own heart, and Izzy's heart. Going off the good of the people in the alleys that depended on Bane and the safety net he provided with his altered Zydrate. The doctor looked up at him before offering over the clipboard, a form for a new heart provided by the Lightwood's from an un-named donor on top. "No, he wouldn't want a new heart." Jacob said immediately. "Think of something else. A new pacemaker or defibrillator or--" "We don't have that option, sir. The one he currently has was able to restart itself, but it's showing signs of malfunctioning. It's only going to last so long before it short circuits and causes more damage to his heart. He needs a transplant." Jacob looked from the doctor to Izzy, who was looking up at him with a pleading look in her eyes, then to Bane, watching the nurse replacing the fluid on the line beside him. Jacob's hand rose as his rubbed at his mouth and jaw, feeling the stubble there from not shaving that morning, anxiety budding in him worse than it had the past couple hours. They'd had this talk before, the two of them remained unaltered in the sense of getting any new organs, Jacob merely for the reason of having good genetics on both sides of his family, who came from up North where most things were untouched in the woods. Bane... Bane had always told him that the only part of him that would ever need to be replaced was his heart, and that he would rather die than get someone else's. There was always going to be someone else in the city that could use it more, that if his heart was replaced with someone else's, then he would cease to be him. Bane believed that just because it wasn't his own, he would love differently, he would lose the strongest part of himself that his mother always prided on him being the biggest and kindest. Jacob watched the rise and fall of Bane's chest, watched the way it would seize briefly as the machine beeped wildly on queue. This was his best friend of over a decade. This was the man who, as a young teen, had welcomed him with open arms, his family offering an open home to escape his own, gave him a place in a new city, who had easily become a brother to him despite no blood relation. His best friend was going to save the world. "...Do it." Jacob choked out, shoving the clipboard back to the doctor as he let out a shaking sigh, moving away from the two to instead go and sit back in the chair, burying his face in his hands. "Thank you." Izzy's voice was small, soft, after a long beat of quiet once the doctor and nurse had left to prepare, her hand resting on a broad shoulder. "I think I couldn't bear to lose him just as much as you couldn't." It seemed so unfitting of her in Jacob's opinion, to be so quiet and meek. She seemed strong, loud, confident and proud just by how she held herself. However, when he looked up at her, he realized how tiny she was at that moment. Defeated, tired. She'd been fighting the doctor for nearly an hour according to the clock and Jacob only wondered if she resorted to her name and status to get them to cave into letting him make the decision. "He's not going to be happy about this, but he's going to..." "Save the city." Izzy finished, giving Jacob's shoulder a squeeze. "Isa-- What are you doing?" Raphael asked as he walked into the room, Izzy pausing her swipe over Bane's fingernail with the black nail polish. "I mean, what does it look like I'm doing, Raphael?" She retorted as she held up the nail polish bottle with a look that was as sarcastic as her words. "Did you find Alec?" "I did, though if you had just bothered to go look around, you would have too. He's in his hall in the other wing." Raphael watched Izzy applying the nail polish to Bane's nails, seeing the storm growing from the expression on her face. Where he had planned on leaving after letting her know where her brother was, pure curiousity had him deciding to stay and watch the explosion he knew was coming- he was living for it. Izzy had left Alec multiple voicemails, each getting angrier when he wouldn't pick up for her, a rule they'd set between each other the day they had gotten their first phones- no matter what, they picked up for each other when they called. "Thank you, Raphael, that's all. Go away now." Izzy's tone had changed drastically in a minute and Raphael smiled, this was the side of her that always made him giddy for more. Raphael turned to leave and spotted Jacob on his way, the two men eyeing each other until Raphael resumed his way out, shutting the door behind him. "He seems pleasant." Jacob muttered, finishing the text he was reading, a confirmation that his dogs had been taken by Alissa to be cared for while he was with Bane. "He's a giant dick, and I hate him." Izzy responded nonchalantly as she capped the nail polish and slipped it into her bag, carefully positioning Bane's hands to let them dry.

Izzy's relationship with Raphael was much like Alec and Bane's, though the sexual aspect was nearly non-existent. She'd learned he was asexual, a term that wasn't unknown with her, but not clear enough for her to understand on the first go. She didn't understand why he'd say teasing words with that wolfish smile, why he'd let her get close, but deny any sexual advances. Then, a couple weeks later, he'd have her backed into a corner and he'd be touching along her skin tortuously slow as he told her what a good girl she was when she would shiver and melt in his touch. A long and rare heart to heart talk with him had her understanding that just because he didn't find everyone attractive, didn't want sex with anyone that could walk by, didn't mean that he didn't feel anything at all. Raphael still had a sex drive, only it was very low and on his terms, when he knew his body wanted it, as rare and far between as it was. That, sometimes, when he knew how he was affecting her, that by watching her reactions to his touch and words, it would pass to him and that would be one of the rare times they would actually have sex. Most of the time he seemed content just bringing her pleasure, citing that it made him feel content when he couldn't reach the same level everyone else could.

"I'll be back, I'm going to find Alec. He's going to apologize." Izzy said as she stood, moving the chair back and out of the way of the nurses that frequently came in to check on Bane now that the surgery had been completed.

"How well do you think that's going to go?" Jacob asked as he stretched in the (much larger) recliner chair they'd brought him since he looked, as Izzy had put it, 'like a clown in a tiny car' in the previous chair. A laugh rumbled in his chest as he saw the unimpressed look she gave him, no doubt she thought he would be as stubborn as she was.

This gave Jacob time to get a little shut eye, to rest like he hadn't been able to over worry of Bane going down the wrong path and passing while he was asleep. So far the new heart was being accepted and Bane's body was reacting normally to it, the doctor's saying they were optimistic that he'd be just fine, albeit sore when he woke. When the billing department had come in to ask Jacob how they planned to pay for the surgery and heart, Izzy had come to his side and introduced herself (which Jacob noted by the nurses wide eyes was unnecessary), informing them that the Lightwood's would be footing this bill and to add it to the tab of one of their doctor's to be paid with the next payroll round. Izzy had informed Jacob after that she knew that was how they paid their doctors only because of the times she had watched her mother go through the bills, and it was the only way they'd get it past the elder Lightwood's.

Jacob was snapped out of the beginning of a comfortable doze by the sound of Izzy yelling in the distance, her voice easily carrying through the halls. It was none of his business listening in, but he also couldn't help hearing her scolding him for going too far, for hurting someone that was helping them. The nurse that came in and quickly shut the door had a nervous look on her face and Jacob wondered if she had to pass that hellstorm to get to this room. She pulled out papers and sat in the small chair beside him, showing that she needed Bane's information and, despite his hesitance to give it, he began working with her to fill it all out, both trying to ignore the small, raging Lightwood outside.

Raphael was listening as well, leaning against a wall outside of a nearby room as he ate an apple he'd pilfered from the cafeteria, even daring to peek around the corner to watch the siblings. What surprised him the most was how Alec had his head bowed and didn't dare to look his sister in the eyes, something that Raphael noted must have been his silent admission to guilt and a type of repenting. Or he just wasn't crazy enough to tell her to shut up.

"Bella-"

"NO. NO BELLA, ALEXANDER." Izzy shouted, shoving his chest before putting a finger up in a menacing way. "You're going to get in that room and you're going to apologize to Bane, right now. YOU messed up, YOU hurt him this badly after everything he's been doing to help us, YOU know better, Alec. Whatever this is that you're doing to him, it needs to stop. He's sent me screenshots. I see the shit you sent him, which, by the way, you're a dick for touching my phone, I changed my password. But you need to talk to him and get your goddamn shit together and stop treating him the way you do."

Alec inhaled and bit back a comment he could have made about how her passwords were always the same and the easiest to crack, this would be a terrible idea to bring something like that up while she was this mad. She wasn't wrong. There were things that he had sent that he hadn't realized until days later, things that were a drunk, upset Alec, and not the levelheaded Alec that stood in front of Izzy now.

"Alright, okay, stop. Stop. I'll go talk to him." Alec finally said as he lifted his hands defensively once she had started going off on him in Spanish, much like their mother did whenever she was upset with them. Bane slept through the commotion thanks to the pain drugs they had put him on after the surgery, though as the bag's content ran dry, he slowly woke and became more conscious of his surroundings. A shift of his body had him hissing in pain, his hand lifting to his chest as his eyes opened, only for his hand to bypass the wound on his chest to cover his eyes. A double attack on both senses and nerves, but the quiet shuffling of feet had that bright light diminished, Alec's voice coming with the returning steps.

"They had to do surgery. I..."

Bane could hear Alec's voice taper off in hesitance and it wasn't until he uncovered his eyes to look at the oldest Lightwood son that Alec continued, his gaze on his hands, looking a way Bane had never seen him before. Alec looked...nervous. Guilty. He didn't look like the strong and confident hunter that Bane had come to get used to and it was alien to Bane, who had almost come to expect that personality to be how he was even outside of work.

"I fucked up. Izzy said you had something on your heart, that tall guy said you got it instead of a new heart. That after I... shocked you, I really damaged it and could have killed you. I'm sorry for that." Alec finally looked up, locking eyes with Bane, who looked rightfully upset with him, though it was his silence that had Alec on the edge of his seat.

"I know you were drunk every time you messaged me, but are you even aware of everything you did? What you said? I told you to get out after a, frankly, fucking great, night, and then I don't see you for a week. No skulking the alleys, no coming to threaten me or my people, sending Izzy for the Zydrate. But yet it was like clockwork, I would get messages from you almost every night saying about how you like your hand around my throat, how you like the chase because everyone just throws whatever you want at you and I make you actually put effort into doing anything. The fucking text about how good I feel around you? Alec, I get it, you're going through shit with your family, but I don't understand the shit we're going through. Almost a year ago you hated me with every fiber of your being. You threatened to kill me every chance you could to keep me in line. And now all this? Finding out where I live? Finding out my number and saying you're coming ? What do you want from me?"

Bane took a deep breath and made a face as pain stung in his chest, the neck of the hospital gown lifted to look at the fresh wound on his chest, his face falling as he remembered what Alec said. It wasn't his anymore, he was never going to be the same. His head fell back against the pillow as he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself and will that pain away, but without the medicine it made it tough. Alec watched him and pressed the call button for the nurse, who was planning on coming back within the hour, but the discomfort was even clear to Alec and even he couldn't consciously make someone suffer like that.

"He needs more," Alec said to the nurse when she came in, pointing up to the empty bag hanging beside the bag, Jacob's choice when they offered Zydrate. He'd said that Bane would never use it, which was a surprise enough to Alec considering it was what he dealt in the alleys. At the same time, Alec had remembered what Bane had told him about his...abilities thanks to the plague, something Alec had been skeptical of until he decided to secretly administer the Zydrate he'd been given to the prisoner himself. This way he wouldn't have to explain to anyone where he got it or why he preferred it over what the lab could produce for him for pain.

Alec was grateful to have the break in their talk, a second scolding in a row and he was already tired of everything that had happened so far. Both he and Bane were silent as the nurse moved around, setting up the new bag and tossing out the old, the moment almost seeming awkward with the silence that had filled the room.

"My parents want me to go against Fillitreux in the upcoming election. My father has been pushing me more and more to be this ... perfect, militant, business machine. He's been forcing me to crack down on your alleys, replacing my guards with those that keep track of me. I can't even piss without them waiting outside the door for me, like I'm some child. Drinking became my getaway and..."

"You hate drinking, I can see it in your face every swig you take."

"Yeah, well, it burns and tastes like shit, but going somewhere and blacking out is better than the constant mental destruction he gives."

"That's great, Alec, really, it is, but you know what? Not when I'm dragged into the middle of it. Don't forget, you're the one that hated--hates? Whatever, you're the one that harbored the shitty attitude towards me, threatened to throw me in jail, then suddenly we're fucking in alleys. I'm...not complaining about that because, once again, great, but really. I thought it would end there, not house calls or texts saying you're going to come over and then never show up."

Alec rubbed his face with his hands before using them to brush back his hair as he leaned back against the chair.

"I...used you as a scapegoat and I only remember that one night. When I came through your window. It was..."

"....Great?"

Alec looked at Bane with a raised brow, unable to hold back the soft laugh when Bane grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, nodding finally as he gave a soft, 'Yeah.'

"Look, I'm sorry. I can't say I still wouldn't have shocked you, but... if I knew you had what you did, I wouldn't have. I would have just knocked you out." Alec paused briefly as he motioned to Bane's covered chest. "I was actually wondering what that old scar was that night, I just figured you were in some fight."

"No, it was from when I was 13. There were some complications when I was a kid that they thought had passed, but really they were just so minor that no one ever noticed. Then when they started getting bad, they told me they wanted to replace my heart. but I told them I refused. I'd rather just die of whatever it was than lose the part of me that makes me love the way I do. But I guess that's just...useless now."

"Bane, your heart doesn't make you love the way you do. It's--"

"Hey guys, we brought you food." Izzy said as she entered the room with Jacob, unknowingly interrupting Alec as she brought the trays over. "Yours was approved by the nurse, so you can eat it with no worry, Bane."

Izzy pressed a kiss to Bane's forehead before placing Alec's tray in his hands. She gave an expectant look to the two of them, receiving a confirming nod from Alec, which brought a bright smile to her face. As she moved to take the other seat in the room, she paused at the clipboard at the end of the bed, a name catching her attention. Her fingers wrapped around the board as she lifted it quickly, turning the page, her eyes skimming over the paper before she spun to look quickly back at Jacob, who was staring at her mid-bite of his sandwich. Turning back to Bane with a shocked look on her face, Alec was quick to catch on that something was wrong.

"Izzy-"

"Magnus? You're.... you're a--"

"Largo? Magnus Largo?" The doctor announced as he walked into the room, looking at his own clipboard before looking up at Bane.

Bane's face dropped as if the new heart they'd given him had failed, a clattering beside them hinting that maybe Alec's had as well. Alec's face was paled and he looked quickly from the doctor to Bane, the expression on his face saying that he knew he'd made a big mistake.

"You're... the last living Largo? You're the key he was talking about."

[spinnerprincess]

happy ace awareness week

i think you’re all probably aware that i’m ace by now, i mention it from time to time, but in case you’re not... heyyyyyy

you can find a lot of ace resources around, teaching you about asexuality, what it means, etc. i’ve been personally appreciating the hell out of lyd’s comics on the subject, the most recent of which is here.

this post isn’t for that. this post is for being aware of where i’m at regarding being ace. i would appreciate it if you read it.

hashtag lgbt/ace discourse ahead.

it’s been a weird year for me. a lot of good things have happened, and so have a lot of bad things. dealing with my asexuality has fallen into both categories. 

when i first encountered the term asexuality and adopted it for myself it was a very different time. i had made a friend who was ace. without going into detail, they were a little older than me, and were dealing with the aftereffects of a bad relationship where they felt harrassed and later assaulted by a partner. so i came into it with the full awareness that being ace could be rough and cause discrimination, etc. 

but honestly, in some ways, it was an easier time. back in 2011 asexuality felt less visible, but where it was visible, it was accepted pretty freely. some conversations around terms like “allosexual” began cropping up around them. i think i navigated them fairly well, and i learned a lot, and with everything i learned i grew surer that being ace was both a term that made me feel validated and comfortable, and the word that best defined my gender/sexuality experience. 

the worst thing i had to deal with was people who hated “aces prefer cake” jokes and the occasional “stop calling yourselves aces you’re not playing cards” which, meh, it’s just a cute shortening. i love it. didn’t stop then, won’t stop now. you couldn’t pay me to go back to a time when i thought sherlock was worth any attention (i at least didn’t fuckin ascribe to a lot of the shit like “oh he’s ace/aro and it excuses his bullshit” haha fuck off.). but. boy. sometimes i miss it.

this past year or two, it’s been shitty. first we had the tail end of the “queer” discourse. i understood some viewpoints coming out of that, but ultimately settled on feeling like it the people arguing to remove it from the lexicon were wrong. i think there’s some valid points to be made, but mostly found the whole argument tiresome. Let people call themselves what they want, and don’t use it for people you don’t know like it, or for the whole community. Done. 

and if I’m a little more hesitant to use it for myself, if i once described myself as queer freely and happily, and now do so nervously, backspacing it out of the text once or twice, that’s... something i hope to overcome.

but boy oh boy did that discourse just dovetail right into my personal hell. the kind of people who don’t want to see the community expanded, who want to stay on top and exclude people who aren’t being their kind of gay, immediately dug their claws into that argument about “queer” and didn’t stop.

i’ve endured months and months of ace discourse now and it’s... it’s been exhausting. i’m not even directly involved in it, but it’s still there. it’s constant. it’s insidious. 

what started as a counter argument of “queer is a great as a blanket word for people with complex identities, such as ace people” dove directly into “well, are ace people lgbt?” and didn’t stop. suddenly it was the topic of the season. early definitions said “yes” or “if they think they are.” more arguments. “well, heteroromantic aces aren’t lgbt,” became popular. i can see why. that kind of invisible distinction could play well into pretending you’re straight, after all - right? so went the discourse. ugh.

as that argument caught on, people with anti-ace agendas pushed it further. “so being ace alone doesn’t make you lgbt.” “kids can’t identify as ace, that’s sexualization.” “cishet aces just want to steal our resources.” 

i don’t want to go into all of these but. boy. some of them were presented logically, kindly. others devolved quickly into “aces are the worst and can die,” “ace people don’t belong full stop,” and even “lol look at me i’m a tumblrina i’m 13 years old asexual fictkin special snowflake” as the punchline of jokes that spread outside of this site. 

some ace people are assholes and of course stirred the pot more by being overtly bitter/turning things into oppression olympics type bickering over how aces have the worst, or whatever. some blogs people cited for examples of “terrible ace people co-opting lesbian stuff” or whatever else were literally from sockpuppet blogs making fun of ace people.

for a time, i even bought into some of it. i thought some of the early arguments, that heteroromantic aces shouldn’t be considered lgbt, might have valid points. but you know what? that’s bullshit. if you believe you belong, you should be welcomed with open arms. hetero aces experience some of the same shit i do. they probably also experience other shit. just because i don’t know what it is, or it’s different from mine, doesn’t mean it isn’t an alienating, and perhaps even queer, experience. their sexuality, as nuanced as it is, still sets them apart and they deserve support. we all do. 

it sucks to think that this shitty shitty discourse had me believing in a position that invalidated my own experience of aceness being the source of much of my queer experiences, for a while.

all this to say nothing of the invisible hate seeping towards aromantic people as well, lolololol. it’s not a big part of me the way being ace is but i’m probably somewhere on the aro spectrum and. great. thanks. i’m still so tired of split attraction model arguments. if it works for you, use it. if it works for other people, let them use it. is it so hard to believe that some people might experience things differently to you? or differently to how you would imagine? god.

my favorite part is when allo people started saying “allo is a slur!!!” when, get this: allosexual was pushed for and partially created by allo people who (rightly) didn’t want to be called “sexual,” like poc, and rape survivors. ace people adopted it into their language for their benefit, not for ours, lololololol

so. that’s the year i’ve been dealing with. i’ve had to unfollow a number of people i thought were otherwise cool over this. i haven’t gone a single month without finding someone i think is amazing, reading through their blog, and discovering with a sense of nausea that they would hate me. genuinely hate me. there’s no love there. someone who says “u shouldn’t follow me if you think ace people are lgbt lol” isn’t interested in hearing and believing my stories, my experiences, my life which is hard and queer and as deserving of support as anyone’s. they aren’t interested in treating me like a person. that’s... i mean, i think that counts as hate. yeah.

i still hesitate on the word aphobia, or, similarly, biphobia. i don’t know if it’s the right way to describe it, when the hatred you refer to comes from within a similar group of people with oppressed sexualities. i wouldn’t hesitate to say post from an allosexual person in favor of in corrective rape w/r/t ace people are aphobic. i wouldn’t hesitate to say a straight person who thinks bi people are disgusting is a biphobe.

but is that reality talking, or is it just me being unable to acknowledge that oppression is oppression, fear and hate are fear and hate, and discrimination towards aces, which i’ve spent the last two years being told isn’t real, despite experiencing it on a regular basis both in and out of community?

what’s the line between discrimination and oppression? if people’s everyday biases make it harder for ace people to live their lives, is there a point in determining that line?

i fuckin dunno. i’m so tired. i’ve spent a long year feeling like i’ve shrunk myself. i feel more comfortable lately talking about fictional ladies and my attraction to them, which isn’t sexual, and isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s... it’s something that exist. just recently i became comfortable feeling like i can use the term “wlw” for myself, which i fought myself for a long time on. being ace, being quietly non-binary were both things that felt like obstacles.

and the wlw community is just full of toxicity still. terfs have grown and drawn others to their ideologies, some of them using anti-ace tactics to do so, others using tried and true biphobic messaging and of course, who could forget the constant hammering of “trans women aren’t women” bullshit they like to pull. 

so that’s one triumph of the year. i’m nb, i’m wlw, i’m ace. i can say those three things and feel pretty comfortable in it. 

i just wish it didn’t also come at costs. i find it harder to express my ace life. i find it harder to feel positively about it. i don’t have the energy to deeply deal with ace headcanons lately. it feels like the online world is hyperaware of us now, if anything. everybody has an opinion. moreover, people feel entitled to an opinion, in a way they weren’t before. people feel like it can be their opinion that my ace experiences aren’t lgbt, or that my sexuality doesn’t exist or even harms theirs, or... i don’t know. what will be the next big reason asexuality is terrible/invalid/not lgbt?

if you bothered to read or hell just skimmed this long post... thank you.

thank you. 

i know i’ve been quiet about a lot of this. not all the time, but a lot of the time. i feel bad about that, a little? i want people to know what this looks like. knowing asexuality exists is so, so good. but knowing that ace people are facing right now, the movement of hatred that has swept across pockets of lgbt people in recent years, and having the awareness to try and combat it...

it would mean a lot to me, if it felt like more of that could exist.

[captainsbabysitter-blog]

So this took a bit to type up, but I kind of got into it. I took all of the headcanon questions from the ask post I reblogged earlier and applied them to Jaylah for funsies.

So... Have a few thousand words of my thoughts on my precious babe Jay! @thevalesofanduin, I know you said you wanted a tag when I was done!

I’ll do more later because I’m soooo not done with her.

1. What does their bedroom look like?

Even after she’s off Altamid and no longer relying on savaging, Jaylah has a difficult time letting go of anything that could be considered useful. Odds, ends, bits of string, springs, and things all get squirreled away in every nook and cranny of her room until she can decide if she can use it to fix/make something else. This leads to her room looking like a junkyard on the best days and a landfill struck by a hurricane on the worst.

She doesn’t see the use in decorating with posters, but she does have a picture from Jim’s birthday party. Because if there’s one thing she never thought she’d have again, it was a family.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?

Before she left Altamid? Her entire being was just finding what she needed in order to survive and, hopefully, get the Franklin off the ground and out of orbit. When she wasn’t working on that, she was training using the instructional videos in the ship’s computer library or learning more Standard the same way.

At the academy, her day isn’t complete until she’s built something from the bobbles and bits in her room, all other noise drowned out by her infinitely larger collection of music. Otherwise, no. She gets up when she has to, she showers whenever it occurs to her, and she goes to class when they’re scheduled.

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

She has a difficult time sitting still, and this only gets worse once she’s at the academy. Staff fighting, hand-to-hand combat, and running paired with a full regimen of strength training are really the only reasons she’s able to sleep in such a tranquil environment. Her fight/flight response is still so fine-tuned that it makes it difficult to sleep in a place where random noises are commonplace at all hours of the day.

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

Jaylah has absolutely no problem announcing that everyone else is in her way, but she’s more likely to use the replicator in her dorm room than go down to the cafeteria.

5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

Organized chaos is probably the best way to describe her workspace. If a stranger were to walk into her room, they’d wonder how the hell she could find anything. But that’s just the way she wants it. She knows where everything is, and no one else needs to know.

Her personal appearance is a different matter. Especially when she’s wearing her cadet reds, Jaylah feels a need to prove that she’s worthy; that the strings pulled by Scotty and Jim won’t be wasted. So not a hair is out of place and her uniforms are perfectly pressed and cared for meticulously. They’re a point of pride.

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

She’s a survival eater. She eats quickly, and moves on. She prefers things she can eat on the go like apples or other fruits, but she’s willing to wolf down just about anything so long as it’s not poison and it’ll sustain her.

One time, before they took off into the black again, Scotty took her out to a nice dinner and it was the first and only time she’s bothered tasting the food in front of her. Rare steak was a treat she wasn’t expecting, but enjoyed immensely.

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding     wasting time

It takes her a long time to get to a point where she feels like she can waste time, but once she does, it’s because she realizes she can just build things she wants to make.

Before, time couldn’t be wasted because she needed to spend every waking moment preparing and attempting to fix the ship or fending off other scavengers, but at the academy she has way too much free time on her hands and there are only so many extra courses the academy will allow her to take.

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Chocolate. She had never had anything like it, but Jim left a box on her dresser before they left. It took her a while to give it a thought because who eats squishy, brown things? But the second the first bite melted on her tongue, she was hooked.

She doesn’t indulge often. It takes her nearly a month to finish the box left by Jim because the rich sweetness upsets her stomach if she eats more than one, but if she’s had a particularly difficult day or is frustrated by someone or something, she’ll pop one in her mouth and it brings the family waiting for her on the Enterprise back to mind.

9. Makeup?

Makeup doesn’t appeal to her in the slightest. Her natural markings are unique enough, and she doesn’t want to do anything to hide the last reminder of who she is and where she came from.

10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

She’s still very jumpy. Anyone who has worked with her isn’t sure it’s a trait that’ll ever fully turn itself off, but even when she learns the word neuroses (after inquiring when a classmate accused her of being neurotic), she doesn’t understand how it applies to her. Why should she attempt to change her instincts to protect herself? Isn’t it a good trait to have when on strange planets?

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Engineering goes from a survival tactic to her passion. She has a quick mind for learning the equations and applications of them even if she doesn’t always see the point of the historical facts. Really, does she HAVE to know who first created the equations that made modern warp technology possible? Isn’t it enough that she knows how to program them?

12. Favorite book genre?

She loves engineering texts. She just can’t get into reading for fun, but if it’s a book that can give her more knowledge and more opportunities to prove herself, she’ll jump on it.

13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Asexual aromantic. She understands that other people engage in sex for love and for pleasure, but it doesn’t hold any appeal for her, and in her own way she loves the members of the Enterprise and she definitely loves her father, but none of them feel like this “romantic love” one of her classmates expressed toward her in her second year.

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

Her markings are unique. Her race is thus far unknown to Starfleet, and so her facial feature make her stand out.

She also discovers quickly that raspberries cause itchy grey bumps the doctors call hives. She goes to get them treated often because she enjoys raspberries.

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

Biggest short-term goal is to graduate from the academy. Smallest is to get a toy she was making for the Bones McCoy’s daughter, who she met when the group was on leave in Yorktown, to move and spin like she wanted it to before the girl’s ‘birthday’ (a concept she still has a difficult time understanding).

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Biggest long-term goal is to get marks good enough to place on the Enterprise. Smallest is to maybe one day understand Scotty when he’s drunk.

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

When she’s allowed to pick what she wears, she wears things close to the skin and easy to move in. She doesn’t like feeling as though she might be helpless in a fight because her clothing got in the way.

No real ritual to dressing unless it’s for a formal occasion. Then she takes extra time to retwist her hair, ensure every strand is in place, and picks out her best set of cadet reds.

18. Favorite beverage?

She quickly developed a deep love for iced tea, particular if instead of ice it’s made with frozen fruits.

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

She purposely tires herself to the point where she doesn’t have time to think before she falls asleep for a very long time. It helps her block out a lot of the excess noise at the academy, and it means she doesn’t have a lot of time alone with an undistracted brain.

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind     them?

No illnesses that she knows about, but she was a very colicky, fussy baby.

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

There are too many turn-offs to really name. She’s very easily irritated by those around her if she doesn’t know them well. She has no patience for anyone who is slow to pick up new concepts in their classes.

The only thing she’s really interested in is talking engineering, but she has yet to find someone who can keep up with her like Scotty or Chekov.

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

Schematics drawings. She’d get some idea or another and she’d try to puzzle out how she could make it with the things in her room later.

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

To her, she’s very organized because she knows where everything is and can grab any item she needs without really looking up. Everyone else thinks her life is a disaster.

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do     they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

Engineering all the way. She’ll learn anything new she can get her hands on, but engineering is what she’s truly passionate about and picks up with almost no effort.

25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

On the Enterprise, working with Montgomery Scotty.

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency     plans if things don’t workout?

Any scenario other than ending up on the Enterprise isn’t acceptable. No matter how often she’s reminded that it’s completely possible this won’t happen.

27. What is their biggest regret?

Not being able to save her father from Manas.

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Scotty is her best friend. Krall, even after his death, continues to be her worst enemy.

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house     is on fire! What do they do?)

She’s definitely a shout curses and search for a solution type gal. House on fire? I’ve dealt with that before! Where’s the extinguisher? But dammit why the hell is this happening, I don’t have time for this with that test tomorrow!

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close     family member suddenly dies)

Silence. She’s lived through so much personal tragedy, and yet she still doesn’t know how to process loss. She retreats into herself and finds work to do; another engineering equation, another mile added to her run, fiercer fights in the combat ring until she’s so tired she can barely walk back to her room. Those nights, she doesn’t even bother making it to bed; she curls up on the floor in front of her door.

31. Most prized possession?

The framed picture of the Enterprise crew on Jim’s birthday.

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

Material possessions should be useful in some way. The picture is the only thing in her room that isn’t multi-purpose.

33. Concept of home and family?

It’s the most important thing in the universe. She lost one family, and now that she’s imprinted on another, she’s going to do anything and everything she has to in order to get back to and stay with them.

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

If she’s talking, she has no filter between her thoughts and her mouth, but she doesn’t talk to many people unless she has to for class. The few friends she does make find some of the things she declares out loud to be a bit much.

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

She doesn’t enjoy doing things she considers to be a waste of time.

36. What makes them feel guilty?

The fact that her father sacrificed himself so she could live.

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

She makes a lot of emotional decisions. Even if her methods of following through are analytical, emotions drive her.

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

She wouldn’t consider herself either, but those who know her well would categorize her as more of a Type A person; she has a need to have things her way, and she’ll butt in and take something away from someone who she feels isn’t doing it right.

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Running, especially trail running through the holodeck. For some reason, her mind goes blissfully blank and it lets her think of nothing and just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

She has neither. In her mind, she’s no better or worse than anyone else as a living being even if she does know for a fact she’s a better engineer than them.

41. How misanthropic are they?

Very. The way she sees it, she already has her new family and she’s going to be leaving everyone else behind, so where’s the point in getting to know them? The only difference is with the children she runs into. They fascinate her, and she enjoys their company very much.

42. Hobbies?

She likes making simple electronic toys for practice and to test new techniques.

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are     their views on formal education vs self-education?

Almost all of her education is self-education until she enters the academy. She was young when she was trapped on Altamid, and so she never had a chance to begin formal education before she was liberated from the planet by Jim and his crew.

44. Religion?

None. She has a hard time believing in a higher power after everything she’s lived through and seen.

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

If you can’t touch it with your hands or prove it with science, she doesn’t really care to hear about it.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Both. She’ll act in a flash and by the time you realize what she’s doing, she’s announcing it.

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their     ideal?

Someone who doesn’t annoy her. She doesn’t have the patience to slow down and explain, so she needs someone who can keep up with what she says flawlessly.

48. How do they express love?

Shoulder pats have become a favorite of hers. She hasn’t quite picked up on the fact that you’re not supposed to use the full force of your strength when you do it yet.

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is     their fighting style like?

She watches her opponent very closely and uses what she finds to help dictate how she’ll fight. Living like she did on Altamid, this was an essential skill for surviving as long as she did.

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

No, she’s not. The ways she sees it, any length of time she’s alive is that much longer than she was supposed to be so it’s just a bonus. She’ll still fight like a hellcat to stay alive in any situation, however. She’s not afraid, but she’s not eager to hasten the event.

[introverted-reflection]

9-13-2019

I suddenly felt like being introspective. A lot has happened lately (in the last few months). So much has happened I couldn't even find it in myself to keep my reactions in check like I usually do. I think that's the only reason I never posted during that time, as intense as things were.

I am not one to self diagnose, but I've been approaching myself with the idea that I might have ADHD, or something related. It's information I wouldn't know what to do with in terms of changing anything I do now - if I do, I've mostly learned how to deal with it. A combination of social anxiety and minor paranoia has forced me to. I think it's mostly put a lot of things about me into light, things that made me feel alien compared to everyone else.

It was startling to learn that my friends had considered the notion long before I did. I brought it up as a discussion point, thinking I'd hear evidence to the contrary, but instead heard affirming suspicions. I think about it a lot in my more difficult times, when invasive thoughts make me question how much my friends actually want me in their lives. If they didn't care, they wouldn't care to think that much about me to come to that sort of conclusion. I wonder how much they might have accommodated me with that in mind. It's why I'm steadfast in my belief that my friends are wonderful, and why I can honestly tell them that.

I could get a confirmation, but I wonder what good it would do me. It's not something I want to bring to light with my family, not really. I feel they would reason that's the source of my asexuality - that it's part of the disorder. It might be, but I don't want to take part in invalidating what asexuality is. It's a stupid wish, but I wish someday my parents could accept that part of me. I haven't told them yet, but they're very narrow in their mindset.

And, I've learned to deal with it, and the people I care about accommodate my quirks even without a diagnosis. So I don't see a point in it. It's the same reason why I don't go to therapy for my anxiety and paranoia - it just doesn't seem severe enough that I need to. I've learned to live despite it. I think, since that's the case, it may even not be what I think it is. The impediment on my life is minimal compared to other people.

I might just be justifying something, though. I do reason with myself too much about what I think I'm certain about. Maybe I'm actually afraid of being emotionally weak. I do take pride in my strength of will, when it's there. I'm not at the point where I can see the feeling that these thoughts are coming from. It's still unknown to me.