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coffeecatsandcandles · 3 years

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Chapter IX- Home Sweet Home

➵ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 | dad!bucky barnes x mom!reader

➵ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 3.6k

➵ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | eventual SMUT 18+ (minors DNI), lots and lots of fluff, language. series finale!!

დ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | დ 𝐛𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | დ 𝐤𝐨-𝐟𝐢

The smell of roses mixed with cologne wafted through your home upon your entrance. Still in scrubs, you furrowed your eyebrows at the change of scenery. Your home was dimly lit, the occasional candle lighting up the area so you could see.

It was late, you’d gone through yet another long shift of dealing with children throwing tantrums because they had to get a shot, sinus infections, wailing newborns, and picky mothers. Your energy was running thin, now aware you had to now go home and deal with your own children.

Or, so you thought.

It’d been only a couple days since Bucky’s admission of his plans to propose. Elliot had come around, even asking your wedding plans if you had any. Honestly, you didn’t. You wanted to marry Bucky, there was no doubt about that. But the idea of planning a wedding, spending loads of money for one single occasion and inviting people you barely knew didn’t sit right with you. If you did do anything, it would be private- just you, Bucky, and the kids doing something special. Maybe you’d take some time off of work to go on a family vacation. You figured that in itself was perfect.

You’d already been thinking of Bucky as- and even going so far as calling him- your fiancé. Despite having no ring, no legitimate proposal, and knowing nothing as far as his desire to ask- he was still your husband-to-be, and you his wife-to-be.

“Buck?” you called, turning a corner to find him, Elliot, Rebecca, Willow, and Winnie. The kids were still dressed in what they’d worn to school that day, strikingly different to Bucky, who was dressed in a formal suit. Eyeing the excitement on the children’s faces, you smiled. “What’s going on?” you asked.

Winnie and Willow giggled lightly at your reaction, letting loose for half of a second before realizing they had to be calm and collected. They couldn’t help but be excited too, that their biggest dream was about to come true- they were becoming more than best friends. Now, they were going to be sisters.

Bucky took a few steps closer to you and took your hand. The look on his face told you exactly what he was about to do. It wasn’t that he was nervous or scared- he was the most sure he’d ever been in his life about this. Placing a single kiss onto your knuckles, he got down on one knee, your hand still in his.

Unable to hide the smile on your face, you let out a surprised laugh at the action.

“Hi,” he said, unable to think of anything else. He had an entire speech planned- but looking into your eyes, holding your hand, he almost forgot it entirely.

“Hi,” you responded, stroking his hand with your thumb to comfort him.

“My heart’s beating really fast,”

“So is mine.” you laughed.

“You look beautiful,”

“You’re just saying that,” you blushed.

“I’m down on one knee right now, why on earth would I lie to you?” You both laughed. Determined to make this perfect, Bucky started again, the memory of what he wanted to say coming back. “I used to think that I would just live my entire life alone. I welcomed it, even. My idea of love was so torn and it left me so bitter, I never imagined myself falling in love again. And then you came along,” he stopped briefly, knowing his emotions would get the better of him and he wouldn’t be able to continue. “You showed me the love a person deserves. You taught me to forgive, and you are such a wonderful mom. The last few months, I kept asking myself, what would I do without you? How was I ever able to live my life without you in it?” He turned to Elliot, waiting patiently as the twelve-year-old fumbled a little to get the velvet box out of his pocket. He seemed to be carrying all of Bucky’s nerves as well, one would think he was the one about to propose.

You wrapped your brain around what the ring could possibly look like. No doubt, you’d love it, but Bucky was the type to struggle with things like that. You were sure he must’ve asked the girls for help.

“Now I know you don’t want to have a wedding, and I know you already call me your fiance,” Bucky started, one movement away from opening the box. “So I tried to get you something even better.”

Bucky opened the small velvet box, and the sight confused you for a second.

It wasn’t a ring- it wasn’t even a piece of jewelry.

It was a key.

Taken back, you waited for an explanation. “Wha-”

Bucky stood up again, his face now inches away from yours. You usually loved the way he towered over you, but not even that could distract you from the fact that you didn’t have a new ring, or even an official fiance.

Bucky took out his cell phone, opening up a website with a house listing, of a house that had already been sold. One you’d passed by many times on date nights and drives to work, claiming that it was a fantasy home- a dream that was too big. When you first toyed with the idea of moving in with Bucky, you’d looked at the listing online.

“It’s just… perfect.”

“I wonder what the correlation between people with children and people who look at listings for homes they don’t need looks like.” Bucky chimed in, scoffing a little at his own joke, though you paid no attention to it.

“Look at it, James, it’s beautiful. I mean, imagine if we did all move in together-”

“It’s in a different county, we’d have to take the kids out of school-”

“Not Becca- magnet school, remember?”

“Regardless, honey, it’ll be too much of a hassle.”

“But it’s closer to work, it’s also in a great neighborhood, I even read about this community theater company I’m sure Bec would love, a local soccer league for Elliot. And the kids- sure they’ll be upset for a second, until they realize they all have their own rooms and bathrooms.”

Bucky stooped to your level, smiling at your begging eyes and pout. “You’re so cute, you know that?” He scooped your face into his hands, kissing you once.

“It’s just a pipe dream, isn’t it?” you asked.

“One day, we’ll find something great. Something that we can live in until we’re old and gray, where we’ll have our grandkids visit us someday and pass it on to Elliot when we decide to ditch the kids for retirement.”

Your face visibly changed at the image- growing old together, maybe even getting a dog or cat. “I love it. But I give you full consent to pass our non-existent, future forever home to Becca. I love Elliot, but he can be so filthy sometimes- it’d put all our hard work to shame.”

Bucky laughed. “Fine, it’ll go to Becca,” he kissed your forehead, “but right now, nothing’s set in stone yet. Remember that.”

Playfully rolling your eyes, you turned your chair around, “God, you’re supposed to support my dreams, not be the voice of reason.” Your tone was overly dramatic, making it known that you were only playing.

Before Bucky made his way back to your bed, he ruffled your hair and kissed your head once again. “Somebody’s gotta be, sweetheart.”

“I would go to the ends of the earth for you. When we were talking about growing old together, getting a real home together, I realized that a wedding would only be a celebration of our love. A temporary thing that would only last a day, and we have nothing but a memory. This is truly forever.”

“Bucky, I don’t know what to say-”

Bucky turned around to face Rebecca, who handed him yet another small, velvet box.

“Oh god,” you laughed at the action. Bucky was just full of surprises today.

He opened it, revealing a simple, classic diamond ring. “Will you marry me, and move in with me? Or move in with me then marry me, the order’s up to you-”

You cut him off with a kiss, then multiple kisses at once, agreements and happy tears replacing the usual silence between kisses. Winnie and Willow let loose, squealing together knowing that everything was falling into place.

Six Months Later

The springtime air, the warm sun coupled with the cooling breeze felt welcoming on your skin. Bucky kept glancing over at you, the leggings you chose to wear that morning- because everything else was packed up- was hugging your body in such a flattering way. Though he valued your beauty and knew that you found it in your heart to marry him, agreeing to spend the rest of your life with him and raise your children together- he had to admit, he was still a guy. Everytime he looked at you, he had to avoid staring for too long in case the kids- especially Elliot- noticed he was looking right at your ass. He had to keep it together, at least for a few more hours.

It was three celebrations wrapped up in one. The first: you finally moved into your dream home. The kids didn’t take moving as hard as you thought they would- as long as Winnie and Willow were together, they had no complaints, and as long as Elliot got to finish the soccer season at his old school, he was alright. Luckily, you didn’t make plans to move until the school year was finished, so he had no qualms. And Rebecca got to stay at her school, so there were zero complaints from her. In fact, all the kids loved the new house, probably more than you did.

The second: you and Bucky decided to get married just days ago. You pulled the kids out of school that Friday morning, and brought them with you to the courthouse, getting married in front of the only people that mattered: your children. They were ecstatic- more for being pulled out of school and getting a nice brunch later, but nonetheless, they were happy.

And third: Willow’s fifth birthday. You didn’t plan a huge party, but you did invite Pietro over to celebrate. He was a little more distanced than normal- it worried you, but you were relieved when he accepted the invitation and asked to bring someone.

“Oh, is that why you haven’t been coming around as much?”

Pietro sighed a little, “Yeah, I knew you were busy with moving, I didn’t want to stress you out-”

“Woah, ‘stress me out?’ Pietro, I’m relieved. In fact, I’m happy you found someone. But you’re insane if you think I’m not meeting her before the kids.”

He laughed, “Alright. How about coffee? Bring James.”

So, you met Crystal. And she was lovely- auburn hair, tall and slender- and thank god, your age. She understood the boundaries and why you wanted to meet her first without you having to say anything. You kind of wished Bucky and Pietro had a similar introduction, but you couldn’t help that Bucky attended nearly every Parent Day and met Willow before he even met you. But you could see it in Pietro’s face. The same look he used to have when he looked at you- it was back. The man was in love, there was no doubt about it. It felt almost therapeutic to see- you worried for so long he’d never find someone again, but here he was, with a new woman. And she was good. Kind. Just as whipped for him as he was to her.

Afterwards, you told both of them they were welcome to come to your new home, and that Crystal could meet your children. Clearly, she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. And though she had no children, there was an unspoken understanding she wouldn’t try to go past you in that area.

With both Pietro and Crystal coming, you only found it fair to invite Natasha as well. She was doing much better- still living with Yelena until she felt okay to be on her own, but still, she was better.

And there you were, celebrating your daughter’s fifth birthday with your new husband, your ex-husband and his girlfriend, and your husband’s ex-wife, along with your son and two stepdaughters. It was unconventional, sure, but after everything you’d all been through, it felt nice to just sit and talk- to forget the past and enjoy each other’s company. After all, you all did have a few things in common.

Everyone was at the table, about to dig into the meal you’d prepared when Bucky spoke, “Can I just say something before we start?”

What kind of trick did he have up his sleeve now? You were already married and living in your dream home, so unless you were somehow pregnant and he knew before you did, you couldn’t imagine what other surprise he’d try to pull. Bucky wasn’t normally the type to address the room like this- he was an introvert, a homebody at heart who kept to himself.

“This is… really nice.” he said, wrapping his arm around you, “I’m just- I’m so happy that we’re all here, you know?” he realized that what he was saying barely made any sense, “For Willow, I mean.”

You smiled. Looking down at your now five-year-old, she smiled too. “Yeah, for Willow.” He did have a point, you were sure that without any of the kids, none of you would be in this position right now. Your children were your world, and you were grateful for them every single day.

“I’m just a little sappy, I guess. I don’t really hang out with a lot of people, so it’s nice to call you all my friends. And it wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for these amazing kids,” he raised his glass of water- you clinked your drink against his and the rest of the adults followed.

“Dad, I’m hungry,” Winnie groaned, unable to sense the sentimental moment happening before her.

“Dad??” Bucky asked, surprised. No, Winnie couldn’t be making the change now, not when she was still only four years old. He was still ‘Daddy’ to her, and sometimes, when she was sleepy, he was still ‘Dada’.

“Eat up!” you said, distracting everyone and allowing the kids to finally eat. You brought a dumbfounded Bucky to the other room, away from everyone, running your fingers through his hair to calm him.

“She shouldn’t be calling me that yet,” he said, still in shock.

“Come on, she just wants to sound like Becca. You should eat, something tells me you have a long night ahead of you.” you said suggestively, hooking your arms around him, hands meeting behind his neck.

“Oh really?” he said, suddenly distracted, just like you hoped. A dopey smile appeared on his face at the idea of you teasing him so early in the evening.

“Mhm,” you said, kissing him deeply. His tongue snaked into your mouth.

“God, I can’t believe you’re my wife now,” he muttered, pulling away for a second at a thought, “Would you be ‘Dr. Barnes’ now, or still ‘Dr. Maximoff’? You don’t have to change it if you don’t want to, I mean, it’s your degree-”

“I’m still technically Dr. Maximoff, but if you want me to be Dr. Barnes-” you lowered your voice, knowing that just your tone was enough to turn him on, “Then I can be Dr. Barnes.”

“God, you’re insatiable,” he laughed, kissing you once again, “I can’t wait until tonight,”

You pulled away, knowing you’d been gone for too long, and if you weren’t careful, someone could spot the two of you like this. “Well, Sarge, you’re going to have to.”

Fuck, ‘Sarge’? It was going to be a long night.

You finished the story in nearly a whisper, keeping your voice low so Willow would stay asleep. She’d begged for you to read to her, and though you hadn’t read her to sleep in a long time, you couldn’t deny the birthday girl of her request.

Kissing her forehead and making sure she was snug, you got up carefully. After kissing her stuffed rabbit’s head as well, because Willow somehow knew when you didn’t, you made your way to your bedroom, where Bucky was waiting for you.

Clad in only a gray pair of boxers and his dog tags, he looked absolutely delectable. You resisted every urge you had to just jump on him and start going at it. No, you needed to be slow- methodical in your movements.

“Sarge,” you greeted, a smile creeping up on your face as you slowly made your way to the edge of the bed, where he was sitting.

“Dr. Barnes,” he said back, knowing the nicknames were silly and would likely only be used once, but it was too funny to not say. You finally met him, bringing your lips to his in a deep, passionate kiss. A kiss he’d been waiting to give you all night. He helped you undress, leaving the both of you in your underwear. “Fuck,” he muttered, squeezing your hand.

He helped you straddle him, your underwear barely able to hold your ass. The ass he’d been thinking about all day. Oh, you knew what you were doing. He slid your panties off, now the only layer separating your two centers being his boxers.

With a sigh of lust, he brought down his boxers and helped you sink onto him, moving you gently. Every inch and every angle felt like heaven for both of you- he couldn’t help but be reminded of your first time together. With his cock heavy inside of you, you moved yet again, the drag of it doing wonders.

Bucky sat up suddenly, realizing you still had your bra on. You helped him this time, unhooking it as you kept moving, too overcome with pleasure to stop even for a second. Your breasts now exposed, he brought his mouth to one nipple, supporting your back as he sucked on it and you kept riding him.

As you continued, his hands kept wandering your body, his grip firm as if you were going to disappear. His cock was heavy, long- hitting every mark and making you do everything in your power to not scream out in pleasure. It was overwhelming, so you slowed down, only for a second to catch your breath.

In that time, Bucky set you on your back. “This okay?” he asked, his voice low. He saw how good it was for you in the first position, he hoped that it’d still be good now. Unable to speak with his cock still inside you, you nodded. He pounded into you now, feeling the most intense, pleasurable thing you’d experienced in a long time. “God, look at you, so fucking beautiful. My wife,” he muttered in between kisses as he continued moving in and out of you.

Muttering ‘yes’ after ‘yes’, your walls tightened around him as you finished, reaching a high that felt so pleasant, so excruciatingly wonderful that all you could do was kiss him. He stilled, finishing as well, holding onto you. You didn’t want to go anywhere, you were perfectly content staying in this position, his cock still buried deep inside you.

You knew the night was far from over, that the both of you still badly wanted to continue- you just needed a few minutes before you could do so.

“I love you so much,” he said, his lips less than an inch away from yours. His breath was hot against your skin, and your skin nearly formed goosebumps at the feeling.

“I love you more,” you said back, connecting your lips once more.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” He said.

“I can’t wait til thirteen years from now, when all the kids will be out of the house and we can do this whenever we want and be as loud as we want,”

Bucky laughed, “Until then, I’ll be marking days where it’s just the two of us on my calendar.”

“Just don’t knock me up, then that’ll ruin everything,”

Bucky’s eyes got bigger at the idea, not realizing that was even an option. He liked the sound of it, you, big-bellied and carrying his child, this one bringing the two of you together even more. “Oh, don’t tempt me. Fuck, now you got me thinking about it.”

“Think about it even more- five kids, Bucky. Does that sound desirable to you?”

“With you, abso-fucking-lutely.” He said, causing both of you to laugh.

You smiled, noticing how his eyes still managed to be a bright shade of blue, even in the dim light of your bedroom. “Well, then I wouldn’t mind an extra five years,”

And just like that, Bucky had all the stamina in the world, quickly bringing you back up to the first seated position, causing you to let out a loud laugh at the action followed by a moan you had to soften by letting it out against his neck. “Say no more, doll.”

Bucky Barnes had been through a lot in life. He was overcome by the feeling of loneliness, never thinking he was worthy of having someone fall in love with him again. He used to admire from afar, never having the courage to do something about it.

Then you came along, and you rocked his world.

You taught him to love, you taught him to forgive. With you, his heart grew, because in his eyes, you were the only woman for him. The only one who would ever be able to unearth the man he once was, or rather, the man he wanted to be.

You were his forever, and he would hold onto you as tightly as he could.

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royaltyoon · 3 years

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JAKE KIM X READER

The unfortunate rains

[A/N]

@yennasstepmom since you wanted angst, here you go. It's nothing major, but I hope you like it.

T/w: mentions of death

It's been a while since I wrote something this big.

"jake, love, you need to get some sleep." But your concern was ignored by the man. It was way past midnight but he was still seated on his chair looking over papers, something about the crew you guessed.

Ever since he was back from juvie, he'd had turned into a different man. Prison couldn't have been easy, so you didn't hold it against him. You just wished that he would atleast take care of himself more.

"Let's go to sleep now, jake"

"you can go I'll join you later" he said looking straight at his papers

"you should really get some sleep, I'm worried you'll overwork yourself."

"Did I not tell you I'll go to bed later."

"jake- "can you just shut up and go to sleep, it's getting on my nerves. "

"are you done now? It's almost 4, you should get to bed."

"stop bothering me, I need to get this paper work done."

"but- "damn it, y/n!! Just leave" He slams his hands on the table producing a loud bang making you flinch. Jake noticed your reaction from the corner of his eye,

"...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." You could hear the slight remorse in his tone

"just..... go to bed soon." You mumble with a thin lined smile and made your way back to your bedroom. You plop on the bed with a sigh.

He had changed so much, you had been with him even before he joined big deal. But the jake kim you knew now was someone you couldn't recognise at all.

Jake on the other hand, did a lot of thinking that night, he couldn't continue to let his frustrations out on you like that, you didn't deserve it.

You had been through thick and thin with him, you were there when his dad passed away, when he met Samuel, when he joined big deal, when sinu sold himself, when he became the head of big deal, when he went to prison, when he came back and even now when he was stressed about the alliance with workers.

The only thing that remained constant all those years, was your comforting presence. He knew he couldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for you.

You had always supported him and had been his emotional stability, he knew he would be fine as long as you were there with him. But recently, he had been neglecting you a lot more than ideal.

He didn't know the last time he brought you chocolates on a date nor the last time when you both had dinner together or watched a movie together or even had a random conversation together. It had even been a while since he had seen you smile or told you how much he loves you.

He knew you never put yourself first. For you jake always came first, that's what you were like, you always put someone else before you and undermine your own self. So, you never complained about anything.

Jake had made up his mind, he promised himself that he would make up to you and apologise for how much of a dick he had been lately.

The loud shower of rain broke his train of thought. He sighed heavily, jake absolutely hated rains, he had way too many unhappy memories that involved rain, his dad's funeral, when big deal was disqualified from the four major crews and so many more.

He shook his head as if getting rid of those thoughts. He just decided upon going to bed since he wasn't able to concentrate anymore.

---

By the time you woke up the next morning jake was already gone. You just hoped he had enough sleep to last him the rest of the day.

You set out to go shopping with a umbrella in your hand, the rains seemed relentless. Wandering the street of big deal had always seemed soothing to you, it just always seemed so full of optimism. You smile as you passed a bunch of little kids playing soccer at one side of the streets.

"Hey! Don't let the ball go on the road!" You snapped your head back at the voice of a kid screaming. Your heart stopped at seeing a small boy running behind the ball, right on the road.

The screeching sound produced by the car tyres trying to stop themselves, but the watery road didn't provide enough friction.

What you did next was clearly based on impulse, you reached out towards the boy and the next thing you knew, it hurt everywhere and everything went black. You just hoped you weren't late to save the child as you lost your consciousness.

---

Jake looked out his window, sighing at the unstoppable rain. He just wishes the season would go by in a blink. "Jake!! The big deal girls called!"

"Whats wrong?" He furrowed his eyebrows. "I-its y/n." Jake's face dropped void of emotion, "what happened?"

"They called an ambulance, just go to the hospital and see for yourself, hurry!!" Panick started to set into jake, an ambulance?....What the hell happened?

Jake rushed, but time seemed to go so slow for him, his heart beating so loud he could hear it ringing in his ears, his chest felt tight and his gut just knew something was extremely wrong. He tried to stay calm but his mind was rioting against it.

He burst into the hospital doors, immediately gaining everyone's attention, but he didn't care one bit. He looked around till he saw a few familiar faces from big deal. "what happened?!"

"there was a car-and then the kid-he-he was running-y/n tried to push him out of the way-and then-and there was so-so much blood-so we called the ambulance." The girls fumbled over their words, clearly traumatized.

Jake's heart just sunk lower and lower with each word. His face showed a straight expression but only he knew what hell his mind was going through.

"I'm sorry, there was nothing more we could do. The ambulance arrived after the patient had already passed away."

Silence

It was all so silent, untill few of the girls gasped and the other broke into sobs. Jake? Jake didn't react. 'what did the doctor mean the patient passed away? That couldn't be his y/n, it wasn't his y/n, right....?'

'was he left all alone now...? How could he live without you?'

Another season of unfortunate rains brought along another disastrous memory.

-----

Jake carried a framed picture of you in his hands, leading the crowd. The rain drops dripping down his face. Yet another funeral in the rain.

Jake sat at one of the corners, if anyone were to walk into the ceremony, they would've thought he was a distant relative who had to attend the funeral as a formality.

Nothing made sense after yesterday, everyone around him was either crying their eyes out or they were gloom. But him? he was just zoned out. Nothing affected him he just felt numb all over.

All he could feel was regret, you had to have a closed casket since the doctors said your body was mangled up. He couldn't imagine how much pain you went through, he hoped death embraced you quickly to end your pain.

He didn't even get to see you one last time. He didn't get to say 'i love you' he didn't get to say sorry. He didn't get to live the rest of his life with you. It was too unfair, to him and to you.

The last conversation he had with you was an argument, the last time he saw your face, you had flinched because of him. The last time you smiled? He couldn't even remember. He didn't get to keep his promise to take you out on a date.

He didn't get to keep you happy, he didn't have the luxury to fall asleep in your arms to hug you or kiss you anymore, it was all just...... snatched away from him in an instant.

If he knew this is how he would've lost you, he would have spend every waking moment besides you reminding you how much he loved you.

-----

"why did you do it, y/n...?" He asked the tombstone in front of him with your name engraved on it. "Why do you always have to protect others before your ownself?" Everyone else had left and he was the only one there, sitting on the very place your body was burried just a few hours ago.

"why did you have to be so kind?! Look at where it got you!!" He shouted, his voice cracking. His emotions finally letting themself show. " You are gone! You left!! But I'm still here, what about me?? How could you leave me like that?? How could you leave.... " He leaned his forehead against the tombstone, his shoulders moving with every heavy sob that left his throat.

One hand clenching at his chest and the other pressed on the stone. Breathing got hard, his lungs, his throat, his heart everything ached. Every single thing ached because of your absense.

"You left without letting me apologise, without me being able to love you. You probably hated me, you left while you hated me. How can I apologise now? How can I tell you I love you now? How can I hold you again? How can I get you back...? "

The tears mixed with the rain drops cascaded down his face. Anyone could here the pain in his words and in his cries. "Will I never be able to see your face again? How can the world be so cruel? How can it be so unfair? You were always so good, how could this happen to you"

"you were always there for me and I never got a chance to be there for you, and now, I never will...?"

He knew asking these questions wouldn't get you back nor would it help him cope with your loss, but he didn't know what else to do. He just wanted you back.

"just know that I loved you, and I always will, forever."

#i can definitely see jake going rogue after something like that #lookism #lookism webtoon #lookism fanfiction #lookism x reader #jake x reader #lookism jake #jake kim #kim gimyeong #kim gimyung

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kipscorner · 4 years

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Headernotes:

- THIS IS A LONG POST! - Anything in Parenthesis, feel free to change or remove - Feel free to change pronouns to match - Thank you for reblogging and using! <3

“(Name), can you explain again what we're doing?”

We're kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh...to embrace the majesty of the winter landscape...and select that most important of Christmas symbols.”

“We're not driving all the way here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we?”

“Some jackass is riding my tail.”

“(Name)! Don't provoke them!”

“Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.”

“Eat my road grit, liver lips!”

“(Name), stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead!”

“Will you just take it easy, (Name)? I'm in complete control.”

“(Name), we're stuck under a truck!”

“Do you think I don't know that?”

“For Christ sake, I didn't do this on purpose!”

“My toes are numb.”

“I can't feel my leg.”

“(Name), that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.”

“It's not going in our yard, (Name). It's going in our living room.”

“She'll see it later, (Name). Her eyes are frozen.”

“Hey, (Name)! Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?”

“You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that.”

“I wasn't talking to you.”

“It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.”

“Did I tell you I talked to my mother?”

“They've decided they're coming for Christmas too.”

“You're forgetting how difficult it's gonna be having everybody in the house.”

“(Name), they're family. They're not strangers off the street.”

“Yeah. And about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs. And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip.”

“I want to have Christmas here in our house. It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.”

“The question is, what will you do with that bonus? Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope.”

“Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.”

“Layman's terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.”

“Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.Happy Hanukkah.”

“Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter--Hotter than they are.”

“You have your coat on.”

“There is a nip in the air though.”

“Can I take something out for you?”

“'Tis the season to be merry.”

“Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas!”

“Look at how big you've gotten!”

“They're not sleeping in my room. I'm gonna go crazy.”

“We're gonna have the best-looking house in town.”

“Come on, unravel these. You have to check every bulb. Got a little knot here. You work on that. I'll get the other box.”

“Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?”

“We're all making sacrifices, (Name).”

“Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.”

“And why is the carpet all wet, (Name)?”

I don't know, (Name)!”

“I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard, staring at the house in my pajamas.”

“Talk about pissing your money away.”

“Let's get in where it's warm.”

“Now, look, if you need any help...give me a holler. I'll be asleep.”

“Where the hell is that cold coming from?”

“I want to take off these clothes, sit with a glass of wine and kiss your body.”

“Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?”

“Do you honestly think I would check thousands of lights if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?”

“You deserve a home like this to spend Christmas in.”

“You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.”

“I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays.”

“You got a kiss for me?”

“Better take a rain check on that. (pronouns) got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet.”

“We named him that because he's got this sinus condition.”

“You pet him and he'll love you till the day you die.”

“If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised then I am right now.”

“After that long drive, we could use a little private time together.”

“(Name), help me get some hot chocolate. It's cold.”

“A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him. Before we left, he drank a half a quart of Pennzoil. Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning…”

“It's a crying shame the older kids couldn't make it.”

“She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And a hell of a good cook.”

“Can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to nowhere and leave you for dead?”

“Oh, that there? That's an RV.”

“Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call. Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I wait.”

“We're gonna fly down the hill with this stuff.”

“You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced because every time (Name) revved up the microwave...I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so.”

“Nothing like waiting till the last minute, huh?”

“What are you doing up, sweetheart?”

“You shouldn't use that word.”

“I don't think he should be nervous and you shouldn't be either. Because if you're good, Santa knows it. If you believe in him and you believe in your mom and you believe in your...Your dad. If you've been good all year round, Santa is gonna bring you something.”

“Well, I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real. And in the next couple of days… somehow I'm gonna prove it to you.”

“It's good you came to stay with us.”

“I think you'd better go back to bed now.”

“Aren't you having any breakfast?”

“Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air.

And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.”

“It's a sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match near it.”

“Merry Christmas. Shitter was full!”

“In seven years he couldn't find a job?”

“(Name) and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas.”

“This isn't charity. It's family.”

“If you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my own.”

“Is your house on fire, (Name)?”

“No, those are Christmas lights.”

“Don't throw me down, (Name).”

“Oh, that was fun. I love riding in cars.”

“Oh, dear. Did I break wind?”

“You shouldn't have brought presents.”

“This box is meowing.”

“(Name)? (pronoun) passed away 30 years ago.”

“They want you to say grace. The blessing!”

“I told you we put it in too early.”

“I heard on the news that a pilot spotted Santa's sled on its way from New York.”

“Is there anything else I can do for you, (Name)?”

“If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas.”

“Look what you've done to my tree!”

“It was an ugly tree, anyway.”

“I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone lately.”

“...I didn't have enough in my account to cover the check.”

“I can't swim, (Name).”

“(Name), that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”

“If this isn't the biggest punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!”

“I wanna look him straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”

“He's got that crazed look in his eye.”

“Turn that thing off and get in the house!”

“Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree?”

“Well, where you gonna find a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve?”

“Could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berserk?”

“I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem.”

“You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”

“I'm gonna catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer.”

“I'm going in with him.”

“You just march right over there and slug that creep in the face.”

“I can't just attack someone.”

“Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm

holiday emergency here.”

“We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fuckin’ Kaye.”

“And when Santa squeezes his ass down that chimney tonight he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.”

“Worse? How could they get any worse? Take a look around you, (Name). We're at the threshold of hell!”

“You losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse.”

“Are you gonna recite The Night Before Christmas?”

“No. It's your house. It's your Christmas.”

“You about ready to do some kissing?”

“I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.”

“I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this.”

“If you wanna come in, you are gonna have to break down the goddamn door!”

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

“I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it.”

“It's Santa Claus!”

“She thinks she sees Santa.”

“No, it's the Christmas star. And that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. See, kids...it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.”

“That ain't the frigging Christmas star. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant.”

“Merry Christmas, honey.”

#Christmas Meme #christmas inbox meme #christmas vacation #national lampoons christmas vacation #sentence starters

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tripleaxeldiaz · 4 years

Text

all was golden when the day met the night

chapter 5/5

read on ao3

start from the beginning

As the weekend wears on, Eddie feels more and more like himself. He chalks it up mostly to staying inside with Chris, Disney+, and takeout for two days straight, basking in the unbridled happiness that always seems to surround his son. He knows, though, that a big part of his feeling better is also because of Buck — he’s never had a catharsis like that with anyone, and he thanked Buck by essentially slamming the door in his face as soon as he tried to dig a little deeper. He wanted to help, Eddie wanted him to help, but it was too much and he was too raw, so he just shut down. Defaulted to being closed off as he usually was because it was safe and easy. But Buck is his best friend, one of the people he loves most, and he deserves someone who could be open and honest with him.

Eddie really wants to be that person.

He really needs to apologize.

He tries multiple times, writing and deleting texts, planning scripts in his head but never hitting the call button. The words keep getting jumbled and they don’t feel like enough, don’t feel like they’re fully expressing how much Eddie wants to tell Buck everything, wants to fully let him in, if Buck is still interested. If he’s not, Eddie’s really not sure what he’s going to do.

He braces himself on Monday, but Buck doesn’t come in. He sees him through the window as he parks and all but falls out of his car, hurrying toward Armageddon. He stops at the front door of the shop, knocks, smiles, and waves, before hurrying off again.

It’s fine. It’s fine. He’s just running late.

He doesn’t see him at all Tuesday, but gets a selfie of a sad looking Buck wrapped in a blanket with a mug of tea and a message reading sinus infections suck ))):. He smiles as he tells him to feel better, and things almost feel normal. Maybe this is just how Buck wants to play it — pretend that Eddie didn’t have a complete breakdown and go back to how things used to be, to how they used to be, whatever that was. If that’s what’s going to make Buck happiest and keep him in Eddie’s life, that’s what Eddie will do. He’ll smash all his feelings back into a box and set it on fire if he has to. Whatever it takes to make sure Buck never leaves.

The door above the shop rings on Wednesday morning, but Eddie’s too absorbed in trying to balance the numbers of a recent wedding to notice. A shadow falls over his laptop, and when he looks up, he’s face to face with Buck, backlit in the golden glow of the early morning sunlight, looking like an angel even in his usual all black. Eddie feels his mouth go dry and his heartbeat pick up.

“You know,” Buck says, his smile easy as always, even if his shoulders look a little tense, “you’re pretty cute when you’re trying to do math.”

It’s a knee jerk reaction to roll his eyes and shake his head, and he smiles too as he sees Buck relax. “At least I know how to do math,” he fires back, laughing at Buck’s mock outrage. Just like that, they’re back in their old routine.

“That’s what I have Maddie for. She’s the brains of the whole operation, and I’m the beauty.”

“What’s Chimney then?”

“He’s dead meat after he let my flowers die while I was gone for a day.”

Eddie snorts as he gets the craft paper. “Well, math might be hard, but replacing flowers is easy. Any requests?”

Buck just shrugs, smiling softly at Eddie now. “Whatever you’re feeling.”

Eddie’s been trying to figure that out for the past four days, but it’s so much easier when Buck asks him to do it with flowers. He wraps the bouquet and turns back to Buck, holding the flowers between them like a shield.

Buck cocks his head, confused. Eddie clears his throat and takes a deep breath. “I’m really sorry about last week. You were just trying to help, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’ve got...a lot of stuff to sort through, and I didn’t want to put that burden on you.”

Buck’s smile gets softer still as he reaches out to hold Eddie’s wrist. “It’s okay, I get it. But I meant what I said — I’m here for you no matter what. However and whenever you need me.” He takes the bouquet from Eddie, holding it in the crook of his arm. “Are these apology flowers to match your apology speech?”

Eddie laughs, trying to ignore the embarrassed blush he feels growing on his cheeks. “I guess so. Yellow roses literally mean apology, purple hyacinth means asking for forgiveness, and red carnations—” mean something that you absolutely can’t tell him, he finishes in his head. He freezes for a second, scrambling for any other reason for including them, before lamely landing on— “They just looked nice.”

Luckily, Buck takes it, no questions asked.

As he leaves, Eddie feels a weight go with him, feels more like himself than he has in days. Buck is still here. He saw Eddie at his lowest and it didn’t scare him off. And while that’s all well and good, it feels fragile and new, like something that could break the minute Eddie tries to make it more than friendship like he still so desperately wants.

Instead, he resolves to ball his feelings back up in his chest, hiding them away like he’s done for months and months now. He promised himself he’d do whatever it takes to make sure Buck sticks around, and he meant it.

~~~~~~~~~~

The sun is setting as he enters Armageddon, in a surprisingly good mood given everything that’s happened the past two weeks. He makes his way to the back, distracted by trying to figure out what to do with his weekend. Maybe they can go to the art museum Chris has been raving about, look at all the works that don’t make any sense to Eddie but can keep Chris enraptured for hours. Maybe Buck will come along to explain everything.

He’s distracted enough that he doesn’t register Buck and Chris’s conversation until he’s halfway to the table they’re sitting at in the back room. When he does finally tune in, he stops, just out of sight, and feels his whole body start to go numb.

“It says they mean ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Please forgive me’. Is that what Dad said they meant? Was he sorry about something?” Chris is reading from a school library book, the bouquet from earlier this week on the table between him and Buck.

Buck looks at the flowers, smiling almost sadly, before turning back to Chris. “Yeah, that’s what he said too. We just got into an argument, but gave me these flowers, so it’s okay now.” He turns back to the flowers, fingers playing with a stray stem that had fallen off as they wilted. “What does it say about red carnations?”

Chris flips through the book, eventually landing on the page he was looking for. Eddie braces himself as quietly as he can, because he knows exactly what Chris is going to read. “There’s a lot of meanings for different colors, but it says that if you give someone red carnations, it means you love them and feel something special for them. What did Dad say?”

His sharp intake of breath is completely involuntary, fueled purely by panic. Both heads snap toward him immediately, Chris’s face lighting up, Buck’s looking stunned. He tries to keep his own face as normal as possible, but his eyes feel wild and he’s hot all over and he just needs to get Chris and get out.

“Dad! I got a book about flowers from the library so I can know what they mean just like you!”

He really hopes his smile is genuine, because as happy as he is that his son wants to be anything like him, he also feels about 15 seconds away from passing out. “That’s great, buddy. Can you grab your stuff so we can go?”

Chris hops off the chair to pack up, filling the would-be uncomfortable silence with his usual chatter about school, what he’s reading, and what he did with Buck all afternoon. Eddie very pointedly keeps his eyes on his son the whole time, nodding and commentating more than normal so he’s not tempted to look at Buck and completely fall apart. Chris hugs Buck tight around the middle before heading for the door, forcing Eddie to acknowledge Buck without any kind of buffer.

“Thanks for watching him, we’ll see you later, okay?” he says, looking at a spot just over Buck’s shoulder. He doesn’t wait for a response, just rushes out, following after Chris even as he hears Buck call his name.

Surely, Buck will just brush this off. He won’t think twice about why Eddie actually included the carnations and just move on. They’ll be fine, Eddie won’t lose him because of his loud, dumb feelings, and the whole thing will blow over by Monday. He repeats it in his head over and over, willing it to be true.

They’re through the front door and halfway down the sidewalk before Buck catches up with them.

“Eddie, wait!”

Apparently, his force of will is not as strong as he thought.

Eddie skids to a stop, letting Chris run ahead to the store. He closes his eyes and prepares himself, because this is it. The moment he had been trying to prevent for months. He’s off the edge of the cliff, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He takes a deep breath before he turns around.

Buck is watching him. He looks confused and a little worried, and Eddie’s palms itch to reach out and somehow make it better. He jams his hands into the pockets of his jeans instead.

“The carnations weren’t just for show, were they?” Buck asks, slowly, quietly, like he’s trying not to spook a caged animal.

He could lie. He could tell him they didn’t mean anything, that they really just looked nice. He could deny it over and over, and he knows eventually Buck would give in and let it go. They’d go back to square one where they’ve been for so long that Eddie can see ruts forming in their routine.

He’s so tired, though. Tired of lying, tired of wrestling with his feelings and trying to keep them from cracking his ribs and breaking free. And Buck had already seen him lower than rock bottom, and he stayed. Maybe he would stay after this, too.

“No”, Eddie says, shaking his head. “They weren’t just for show. Neither were the gardenias or pink camellias or red tulips, none of them were. You can look them up if you don’t believe me.”

Buck freezes, eyes wide, still as Eddie has ever seen him. And for as much as Eddie is usually a coward, he decides this is the moment to be brave.

“I love you,” he says in a rush. “I’ve loved you for a while, and I didn’t know how to say it out loud, so I just gave you love in flowers instead. You’re everything, Buck, to me and to Chris, and I just didn’t want to lose you or scare you away because I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you left. We need you, in whatever way we can have you.”

He can feel himself shaking as he stops talking, face hot with a furious blush of embarrassment, he’s sure. He never stops looking at Buck though, waiting for him to say something, anything, even telling him to fuck off and never speak to him again would be better than silence.

He waits, and Buck just looks at him with an expression he can’t decipher. He looks and looks, and with every passing second, Eddie feels the world crumbling down around him.

The numbness is back, this time laced with the sting of rejection. He takes a few steps backwards as he feels tears start to prick at the back of his eyes, turning toward the store before they’re too noticeable.

He stops when he feels Buck’s hand wrap around his wrist, holding him in place. “Eddie, please,” he says, sounding close to tears himself. “I— I don’t know what to say, I—”

Eddie pulls his wrist back, Buck letting go without a fight. “It’s fine, Buck. Just forget about it.”

He walks away, tears falling without shame.

He half hopes Buck follows him.

He doesn’t.

~~~~~~~~~~

Eddie is not hiding. He is strategically avoiding.

He tries to process everything over the weekend, but come Monday, he still can’t bring himself to face Buck, to have the talk where he tells Eddie that he just wants to be friends and nothing more. Because he’ll say that, but things won’t go back to normal. They’ll be awkward and stilted and they’ll drift farther and farther apart until they’re no longer in each other’s orbit, practically strangers. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know what he’d do with himself without Buck, and he really doesn’t want to try figuring that out now.

So Buck comes in every day like normal, and every day Eddie finds an excuse to busy himself in the back room and let Hen handle him. It only takes her two visits to catch on and pry every detail out of him.

“Eddie, I love you, but you’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met,” she tells him when he finishes his story.

“Thank you for kicking me when I’m down,” he says, voice muffled from where his head is pressed to the table. She grabs a hold of his wrist, tugging it until he sits up and gives her his attention.

“Look,” she says. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on in Buck’s head, but he looks about as heartbroken as you do, if not worse. You have to talk to him. If you love him like you say you do, you owe him that much, at the very least.”

She’s right, of course, but that doesn’t mean Eddie is happy about it. Nor does it mean he’s going to jump headfirst into talking about his feelings like he did the last time. He tried being brave, and look where that got him.

He’s still biding his time (and licking his wounds) when he comes back from a delivery a few days later to an eerily quiet store. It’s late afternoon, when they’re normally busy with people picking up bouquets for date nights on their way home from work, but he doesn’t hear any voices when he comes in the back door or see Hen running around with fistfuls of flowers. He walks to the front and stops dead before he can call out for anyone.

Buck is there, once again lit up by the sunlight streaming through the windows, standing next to a vase holding the biggest bouquet Eddie thinks he’s ever seen. He looks nervous, biting his lip as he watches Eddie walk closer, no doubt waiting for a reaction. Eddie’s honestly dumbstruck, because not only is it huge, but he immediately registers the meaning behind each flower he sees.

Blue violets for devotion, forget-me-nots for true love, yarrow for everlasting love. Aster, red chrysanthemums, honeysuckle. Rainflowers asking for returned affection and jasmine for love without conditions. They’re all surrounded by moonflowers for dreaming of and hoping for love. The whole thing is an explosion of color and scents and emotions and it’s beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the man standing next to it.

“I didn’t know what to say last week,” Buck says quietly, gaze moving from the flowers to Eddie. There’s a blush crawling up his cheeks that rivals any rose or carnation. His smile unfurls like a lily in the summertime. “I figured I’d try speaking your language instead.”

Eddie turns to Buck fully, tries to say something, but the words get stuck in his throat as his mind tries to process the sheer amount of things he’s feeling. He has half a mind to pinch himself, make sure he’s not dreaming, but he knows he isn’t. This is better than anything in his wildest fantasies because it’s real.

He’s snapped back to the present moment when he feels Buck’s hands on his, slotting their fingers together. Eddie squeezes instinctually, holding on for dear life, because he feels like he’s about to crack again — not from despair this time, but from sheer, unfiltered joy. It only gets bigger when he looks at Buck and sees it reflected in his eyes, too.

“Eddie,” he says, a laugh bubbling out of him like the happiness is overwhelming. “I love you. I love you so much. I think I’ve loved you from the minute I ran into the store for the first time, and it’s been snowballing ever since.” He brings a hand up to Eddie’s cheek, wiping away tears he didn’t even know were falling. He leans into the touch, smile only growing because it’s warm and perfect, like he always knew it would be. “You said I was everything to you and Chris, but you two are more than everything to me. I want to be here, with you, for you, for as long as you’ll let me.”

And because he is who he is, because he’s been living with his parasitic self doubt for longer than anyone should, Eddie pauses. His mind flashes through all his shadows and darkness lingering under this momentary happiness, and while it’s overwhelming and good and true, he still doubts.

“I’m a mess,” he says, feeling Buck tighten his hold like he’s afraid he’ll try to run. “You saw it up close. I can’t guarantee it won’t always be that bad. Are you sure you want to deal with all this?”

“I want everything with you, Eddie. Good, bad, and ugly. You can’t scare me away that easily. I won’t let you.”

For once, there’s no rebuttal. He knows Buck is telling the truth, feels it in every part of him. If he focuses enough, he swears he feels a little less darkness around him. But there’s so much going on in his head that he doesn’t know what to say anymore, can’t figure out how to express to Buck exactly what all of this means to him.

He’s still not great at words, but he’s as good at actions as he is at flowers.

There’s no fireworks or angels singing when they kiss, and it takes a few tries for them to stop smiling enough for their teeth to get out of the way. But once they fall into a rhythm, Buck hands on Eddie’s hips, Eddie’s hands running through Bucks curls, the whole world falls away until it’s just them. It’s a slow, gentle thing, but Eddie pours everything he’s hiding into it, hoping that Buck picks up on how much and how deeply he loves him. If the smile he feels on Buck’s lips is any indication, he thinks the message is loud and clear.

They pull away eventually but only to rest their foreheads together, soaking up each other. Eddie’s still smiling as he leans in, placing kisses on whatever parts of Buck’s face he can reach, just because he can. He feels the rumble of Buck’s laugh in his own chest, and almost wants to cry again at the realization that he’s going to be able to feel that laugh whenever he wants, have it memorized and tucked away in his mind for when the darkness is too loud.

He always knew Buck had enough light in him for both of them. Now he gets to prove himself right.

He pulls back a little more, taking in every feature of Buck’s happiness, fingers coming up to gently trace over his birthmark.

“Does this mean I get free tattoos for life?” he asks. Buck’s laugh is sharp and surprised, and they dissolve into giggles and kisses and touches like they’re teenagers again.

Eddie knows that it won’t always be this perfect — things will be hard, they’ll be tested again and again, and sometimes things will feel too dark for either of them to bear. But the light will always come back, they’ll grow stronger, blossoming in ways they never could on their own.

Eddie has been hiding in the shadows for too long. Buck is finally bringing him into the sunshine.

#eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #buddie fic #9-1-1 fic #9-1-1 fox #i'm sad it's over except SIKE i have a lot of little fics planned for this #i hope you guys like it!!#the flower shop #ficcery

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taehyungiestummy · 5 years

Text

Blood, Sweat, and Tears -- Chapter Twenty

Masterlist Previous Next

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 7026

I rapidly blink, focusing in on Reo with his annoyingly attractive smirk gracing his face. This is the bastard that I have been stuck on for breaking my heart, and no one had the guts to tell me to stay away from him.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” I snap, doing my best to keep my voice low. My jaw clenching as I stare at the boy who acts as if he has no shame. “You are the one who hurt me so badly all those years ago. Who made the biggest fucking mistake by doing one of the dumbest fucking things you can do. My heart shattered over a piece of scum that is you.”

Reo chuckles, staring at me with no emotion. “Oh, you think that you are the one who experienced the most pain? Did you even remember what you did to me?”

“Physical pain, all that I did to you, is temporary,” I roll my eyes. “A broken heart can never be pieced back together the same. It’s because of you that I had such a bad view on men.”

“Oh, you poor baby, with your broken heart,” he mockingly pouts. “Would you like to see the scars that scatter my body because you got a little mad and took it out on me?”

“Are you trying to say that you didn’t deserve what I did to you?” I pick up my pencil, twirling it in my fingers like I would a knife. “I held back on you. I could have killed you, but I thought better of it. You hurt me, so why should you get off so easy.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I don’t hold it against you. I should have never gotten so careless.”

“You are disgusting.” I grip onto my pencil, pointing it at him. “What do you want me to say? Huh? What did you come to tell me?”

“There’s nothing that I would force you to say, Areum. I’m on a mission, and you are my target,” he leans forward. “I’ve never stopped loving you, and I made a mistake. We both made mistakes. I tried to make my amends with you, but you never would forgive me.”

“Once a cheater, always a cheater,” I scrunch my nose in disgust. “You’ve come all this way, turned into this boy that I can’t recognize, so that you could take me away from my family? So that you could take me to a group of people that I know nothing about? You sit there, thinking that all you have to do is act cocky and apologetic to get me back.”

His eyes slightly widen in shock, but his mouth stays shut.

“I’ve spent years wondering why someone would hurt me like you did, and I have shed so many tears over a boy whose face I could no longer imagine. You’ve been taking over my nightmares,” I sigh, slamming my pencil down on the table. “Man, I am so sorry.”

“That’s it, baby,” Reo grins, reaching his hand out to me.

“I am so not sorry towards you,” I mechanically laugh. “I am sorry that I had to waste two years of my life with you. I am sorry to my current boyfriend for having to watch from the sidelines when I went through so much hurt. Fuck you, I would never be sorry about what I did to you.”

He snarls, pulling his hand back, “You think that you are some big shot acting like this towards the man who will have you in the end.”

“I have a group of men standing behind me every second of the day, and I can act however I want. Especially towards a bitch like you,” I scoff.

“You’ll change your mind about us eventually. It’s only a matter of time. You are destined as the princess of the Red Wolves.”

“Why would I ever consider going to the enemies side to drop in rank when I am already the Queen of Bangtan?” I tilt my head to the side, doing my best to portray that I think he’s an idiot without words. “I am leading the country’s biggest organization with my brother, and you think that I would throw all of that away to be some bitch on the side. Get the fuck out of my face.”

“It isn’t always about what you want, sweetheart. This was planned way before you were born. I’m just following orders.”

“What are you going to do? Kidnap me? The whole city will be in an uproar, and you will have some very pissed off guys looking for me. The Red Wolves would be no more if you did that.”

“Kidnapping won’t be necessary. We always have our eyes on you, so we will figure out the best time to strike.”

“I have the best protectors in the world. I’d like to see you try and get me.”

“How are you sure that each one of those in the mansion isn’t actually a rat that is sending information back to us?”

I feel my heart stop for a second; my breath catching in my throat as I consider the possibility that someone would give crucial Bangtan information to the enemy. The feeling is gone in a split second as I realize how ridiculous that sounds. “Impossible. Bangtan saved each of the people that has come through the mansion doors. If anyone was betraying us, we’d know about it. We’re a close-knit group, and I know everyone within those walls.”

“I didn’t think that you would catch my bluff,” he nods a few times. “There used to be someone among your precious organization that was sending information back to the Wolves, but they returned to us years ago. They’ve moved up in ranks since those years, and is now a vital cog in the machine.”

“Why now?” I find the words slipping through my lips before I can stop them.

“You haven’t figured that out yet? Do you really believe that your father’s death was a random event?”

“I fucking knew it.” I am seething. “You assholes never know when to stop, and I can’t wait to be the one to end you forever.”

“Oh, but sweet Ari, he’s the one who approved of it,” Reo chuckles as my eyes widen. “You think a man as powerful as your dad would drop his guard in order for a group like us to kill him? Oh no, this goes a lot deeper, and we are not going to stop until we accomplish what we set out to do. We will do anything to reach our goal. Anything.”

I feel a cold wash over me as Reo’s smirk turns from annoying to taunting. It is dripping with evil as his eyes scan over me, looking for some kind of sign that his words have an effect on me.

“Leave me alone!” I can’t help the rise of my voice as I shove away from the table. My chair falling to the floor with a clatter, and then I am rushing off into the library to find Jimin. To feel safe once again.

My mind is a blank slate as I try to remember what book I sent him off to find, though I doubt that will help me in a library this big. He doesn’t know the layout of this place, so he could be anywhere. I’m in no state to have to fight against people, even if Reo said that they weren’t going to come and kidnap me. I don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth now that I know what he did to me.

I will thank him for unlocking part of my memories. He’s good for one thing, and now I hope I’ll never see him again.

“Jimin,” I gasp, frantically looking down aisles for the boy who has so graciously become my bodyguard.

My head is beginning to pound as too many thoughts are running about the Red Wolves and my memories. Everything has just been thrown on me in the past few months. I don’t think that I can keep brushing it off and acting like nothing happens.

“Jimin!” I whisper-yell at the boy standing in the middle of an aisle with a book in his hand. His eyebrows are furrowed as he looks at the cover, trying to decide if this is the book I sent him to retrieve. “Jiminie,” I cry out, rushing at him as tears well up in my eyes.

“Hm?” Jimin turns to look at me, surprise exploding on his face as he drops the book and opens his arms for me to fall into. “Areum, what are you doing here? Why are you crying? I was just going to come back with the book. Are finals that bad?”

I shake my head as I grip onto his shirt. “Reo, doctor son, bad guy, my memories, father, fucking dickheads,” I choke out, knowing that the words mean nothing to Jimin, but I have to say something.

“Okay, as much as I want to laugh at how crazy that sounded, I know that you are in a panic state, which is not good.” He pulls me off him by my shoulders. Concern has taken over the surprise of just moments ago. “Take some deep breaths, like I always tell you to do when fighting, and focus on me. Whoever scared you, they can’t hurt you with me right here. I can take a lot of guys at once, and I never leave the mansion without a weapon.” He gently smiles, running a few fingers over my cheek.

I feel my heartbeat in my ears as I lock my gaze with Jimin. My breathing begins to match his even one as we stand in silence. If I can’t calm down, then I can’t explain what happened, and Jimin can’t help me if he has no idea what is going on.

“I can feel your heartrate going down. You didn’t run through the library looking for me, did you?”

“Yes,” I breath out, letting my grip on his shirt loosen.

“It’s a good thing you didn’t have a panic attack while running. Now, can you tell me what happened?”

I take a deep breath, trying to get all my thoughts in order. “When you left, Reo, Dr. Sato’s son, came over. I knew he went here, but I have never really seen him. He started talking to me, and then I noticed he had a tattoo. But not any normal tattoo, a Red Wolves tattoo,” I whisper the last half of the sentence. “That bastard is part of the gang that keeps calling me their princess.”

“Damn it, I knew I shouldn’t have left you,” his jaw clenches. “He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

“He helped me get my memories back.” I feel a sharp pain exploded in my skull, causing me to grimace.

“Oh, baby girl, I am so sorry,” Jimin sighs. “I know that there are holes in your memories that hold bad times.”

“He’s the cheater,” I shake my head. “He’s the one who broke my heart, and now he is trying to get me back because the Red Wolves promised him. He said my father’s death was planned,” I choke out, feeling the tears pricking my eyes once more. My head now throbbing like a sinus headache, but I doubt that is what is happening.

“Oh, so he’s the little shit,” Jimin grins, shaking his head. “The next time I see him, I am going to punch the fuck out of him. You already had to live through that terrible time once, and then to remember it must have been horrible.”

“No need to punch him, I already hurt him back then,” I take a shaky breath, closing my eyes for a few moments in hopes that it will relieve some pressure in my head.

“Let’s get back to your stuff, and you can sit down and compose yourself,” he steps away, reaching down to pick up the book he dropped. “We can decide if you can get through your last class then.”

I nod a few times. “What if he is waiting for us?”

“I’ll kick ass,” Jimin shrugs, a teasing smirk on his lips. “That’s what I have been trained to do, and I will fight anyone who tries to hurt you.”

“Thank you,” I take a slow deep breath to give me strength.

He slings his arm around my shoulders, leading us back towards the table. “Are you feeling better?”

“Enough to push through the day,” I offer a smile even through my head feels like it is going to explode.

“I’ll be on high alert from now on, so that will never happen again.”

“I want my memories to come back, so even though he is a massive jackass, I am okay with him showing his true colors.” I let out a shaky breath. “I just want them to leave me alone. This warped view of me being their princess because my mom was the daughter of their leader is fucked.”

“We’ll get to the bottom of it soon, and life will return to a new normal.”

We reach the table where not long ago Reo and I had our standoff. Reo is no longer seated across from my stuff, and it doesn’t look like any of my stuff was touched. My chair is still on the ground, which is not surprising.

“Here, take a seat,” Jimin picks up the chair. “That boy is smart to not stick around when I’m here. Those bastards know how to train them in the basics at least.”

I plop down in the chair, “They make me fucking sick.” I push my laptop screen up to see if Taehyung messaged me, but I am met with no chatroom at all. “At this point, I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here right now knowing that he’s out there.”

“I’ll have to call Yoongi and make sure that is alright, but I think it would be a good idea to get out of here.”

I close my laptop, “Can you help me clean up here?”

“Of course,” Jimin steps closer, crouching to help me put items in my backpack.

“I’m so glad you were here, Jiminie,” I run my fingers through his hair. “I’m so glad that we are friends.”

He giggles, “The adrenaline running low now?”

“I’m starting to feel sick, actually,” I slowly stand up, gripping onto the edge of the table. My breathing has become quick once again as I try not to throw up. “Fuck, Jimin, I need to get out of here. I can’t come back here ever again. It has become unsafe for me, and I can’t live my life in constant fear that some fuck boy is going to come up to me and drag me off. My head is going to burst,” I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Areum,” Jimin places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m going to call Namjoon to pick us up, and then we can deal with professors afterwards.”

“That sounds great,” I groan, forcing my eyes open to look at Jimin.

His eyes are slightly widen as he must be freaking out with how I am acting, but he’s holding it together, so I don’t fall deeper into whatever panic state has taken hold of me. “We’ll make sure that you get enough rest after this.”

I open my mouth to answer, but anther bolt of pain crash through my skull. Flashes of all kinds of memories with Taehyung or Reo are running through my mind. Memories that have been locked up for years bursting through.

I reach out for Jimin as I feel darkness closing in, and then the whole world falls away.

********

My brain slowly drags me from the sleep I don’t remember lying down for. A dull heat pulsing on my right side that has me wondering what I fell on. Regardless, the pain in my head is no longer making my brain want to explode, so I can take a small pain in my side for now.

I slowly open my eyes; the lights of the room blinding for the first few seconds. Though I know that I am not in my room based on the smell, and the fact that the bed I am in is a lot smaller.

My eyes drift down to see an IV in my left arm, meaning that I must be in the hospital wing. Oh yeah, I passed out in the library because of the worst headache I have ever experienced. Jimin must have called for some guys to come and get me to take me here.

I slowly move my head in fear of causing another headache, and I spot Taehyung right next to me. His fingers are flying across the keyboard of a laptop as he’s probably been hacking for hours waiting for me to wake up. His natural brown hair a mess from his fingers running through it. I can’t believe that I wasted two years with an asshole when Taehyung was right there all along. If only he wasn’t stolen from me.

“Tae,” I choke out; my throat burning for water.

Taehyung’s head snaps towards me. “Areum!” He places his laptop on the side table next to him before jumping up to lean over me. “Oh, babe, I was so worried. I saw you with Reo and tried to warn you, but you just shut your laptop so you couldn’t see my messages. God, and then I saw you pass out, my heart fell.”

“Water,” I smile, reaching up to pat his cheek.

“Oh!” He steps away, looking around the room. “I should have had something ready for you, considering you’ve been out for about sixteen hours.”

I let out a surprised squeak.

He giggles, “Don’t worry about school. Yoongi talked to your professors, and you’ll take your finals in the comfort of your bed as soon as you feel up to it.” He snatches a water bottle from off a table, turning to step back up to me. “Can you hold out your arm?”

I reach for the bottle with my right hand, “What happened?”

He unscrews the bottle’s cap, “I think that Doc and Boo will be able to explain it better than I will ever be able to. I’m Mr. Hacker, not a doctor, you know,” he grins.

I take a few sips of water before handing the bottle back to Taehyung. “Have you been sitting right there this whole time?”

“I promised your brother that I wouldn’t leave your side,” he plops back down in his seat. “With a job like mine, I can do it anywhere as long as I have a computer. I was so worried about you, Areum, I needed to be with you.”

“I’m so glad that I woke up to see you,” I tenderly smile. “Sixteen hours, huh?”

“A long ass sixteen hours for everyone in the mansion. Sooyoung was in hysterics in the beginning, but Jungkook calmed her down. Your brother went into an angry fury looking for Reo, but that was a lot of dead ends. There’s also been a deep look into everyone who works here, on the off chance that someone is giving away precious information.”

“I am guessing nothing was found.” I shift around, remembering what Reo had told me.

“Nothing,” he sighs. “Which is a good thing. The people within these walls should be loyal to the Min’s.”

“To Bangtan,” I run my right hand through my hair. “I’m just happy that I don’t have to go back to that campus. There’s too many bad memories, and I don’t feel safe anywhere but here. Even though I can kill a man hundreds of different ways, the Red Wolves will stop at nothing to bring me into their group.”

“We’ll keep you safe, babe,” he reaches over and grabs my hand. “I’m doing my best to figure everything out. This is one big puzzle.”

“I think I am ready for Doc and Boo to come in and explain what the hell happened to me,” I softly chuckle.

“I’ll be right back then,” he stands back up. “Before that, though, there is something that I have been itching to do since you got back.” He leans over me, gently cupping my face. “I love you so damn much, so stop making me worry about you so much.”

“I love you too, Taehyungie, and I will do my best,” I poke his stomach.

His lips press against mine in heart-skipping kiss, and before we can truly enjoy the action, he’s pulling away and leaving the room.

“Rude,” I pout. “And now I have nothing to do. I’m gonna have to ask for a handheld console if I’m going to be in here for a long time.”

The door to my room opens a few moments later, with Taehyung leading the way for Minho and Boram. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the sibling doctors, which usually is a good thing, but not when they are close friends.

“How are you feeling, Areum?” Minho asks, walking over to check the fluids in my IV bag.

“Well, my head doesn’t feel like it is going to explode, so I can only imagine that is a good thing,” I answer.

Taehyung returns to his seat, reaching over to place a hand on my leg.

“Since we weren’t able to ask you, where would you have placed the headache on a pain scale?” Boram asks from the end of the bed, hugging a clipboard to her chest.

“A ten without a doubt,” I nod. “I’ve had sinus headaches, but this one was a lot more intense and all over. I thought I was going to throw up, or start crying, or rip my hair out, but in the end I just passed out.”

“Jimin told us that you had just remembered some of your past thanks to a certain boy coming up to you,” Minho returns to be next to his sister. “Yoongi approved for us to look at the file your therapist had on you, and you have a lot of traumatic events under lock and key, which have started to trickle back to you. Taehyung says that until recently, you would have nightmares that most likely were linked to memories that were pushing to break free.”

“That’s definitely what those nightmares were, but I don’t have them much, if at all, anymore. Mainly because of Tae, but also because I have remembered whatever was haunting my dreams. I was able to overcome various events recently.”

“That is quite possible,” Minho nods. “It is also the reason for your intense headache.”

“Because I have been remembering things too quickly?”

“That’s what we think,” Boram answers. “Your brain couldn’t hold all that input of information, and because it was traumatic experiences that were taken from you, it exploded with pain. That pain was so intense that the only thing your body could do to fix the problem was to knock you out.”

“For sixteen hours,” I shake my head. “What now?”

“We want to keep monitoring you for a few more days at the least,” Minho flashes a smile. “We don’t think that anything bad will happen, but we want to be safe. You’ll stay here, rest up, get enough to eat, and relax. The most important thing that we want you to do is to not trigger any more memories.”

“I know that he makes it seem easy,” Boram hip-checks her brother. “Considering you haven’t gone out and triggered memories on purpose the other times, but I believe that staying in this room will keep you from finding the key to the locks. The only people you’ll see are those you see every day, and all you will do is tasks that help your brain shut off.”

“What would happen if I were to remember anything else?” I nibble on my bottom lip.

“We don’t know,” Boram sighs. “It’s not like people have their memories taken from them every day, so you are the first person we have come into contact with that is like this.”

“We don’t want to find out what will happen if you were to have those last chunk of memories returned to you,” Minho says. “That is why we are going to be super careful these next few days, and really the next few weeks.”

“I trust you two,” I tenderly smile. “I accept that I have to take it easy for a little bit, and I accept the guidelines that you have laid down. Too much has been going on since my father died, so I could take a break.”

“Oh, Bambi,” Boram’s face shows a wave of sadness.

“You’ll be surrounded by friends and those who love you, so I think that this will end up being a good thing,” Minho nods. “We’ll let Seokjin know that you are awake and to get a nice big meal sent up for you.”

“Thank you, both of you, for all that you have done for me,” I do my best to bow.

“Do you think she can have her IV removed?” Taehyung speaks up.

“Almost forgot about that,” Minho chuckles. “I checked to make sure you still had enough fluids, but I think with you awake and basically back to normal, you won’t need it anymore.”

I hold my left arm out, “I’ll let you guys do it, and not rip them out like all the crazy people do in movies and what not.”

“I always get so mad when they do that,” Boram chuckles. “Preference who takes them out?”

“Well, since you did my stitches, Boo, would you please?”

“Told you,” she slaps her clipboard into her brother’s stomach. “Girls stick together.”

“It’s just an IV,” Minho groans, rolling his eyes.

Boram steps up to my bedside, “I promise that my hands are cold, and that this will hurt.”

“Perfect,” I look at Taehyung. “I’ll just talk to keep my mind off it.”

“What are you looking forward to while in here?” Taehyung gives my thigh a gentle squeeze.

“Watching all kinds of shows with you, and playing all kinds of video games. I’m just excited to have a break and to be with you. I need to do some Christmas shop-Ow!” My head snaps to look at Boram who has the biggest grin on her face.

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad,” Boram chuckles, grabbing a cotton ball and some tape, quickly bandaging the small holes. “We’ll be in periodically to check on you, but all you need to worry about is resting.”

“Don’t try anything,” Minho smirks, pointing at Taehyung.

“What am I?” Taehyung raises his hands in shock. “Do you think I am some dirty minded boy?”

“Yoongi told him to say that, I just know it,” I roll my eyes.

“Come on, idiot,” Boram grabs her brother’s arm and starts dragging him out of the room. “Glad that you are awake, Bambi!”

The door shuts behind the siblings, and I am relieved to be alone with Taehyung once again. He’s the only one that I want to be with right now. The only one that I know won’t ask too many questions and will just let me be.

“Seems like more people know about my past than I do,” I force out a chuckle. “Damn, is my report extensive?”

“I actually was tasked with retracting information before they could read it over,” Taehyung reaches over to grab my hand. “Areum, I need you to know that I will never be like Reo. I am going to be so much better than he ever was. You are the most important person in my life right now, and I am determined to make sure that you are safe. I am going to love you with all of my being, and you will never question that I love you. God, you should have never gone through what you did with that jackass. I should have made my move at the party all those years ago before him. You’ll never go through that kind of shit ever again; I promise you that. You’re the Queen of Bangtan, and you are also my queen.”

I place my hand on top of Taehyung’s, “I know, Tae. I know that you will never be like that prick. I trust you, and I never want to be away from you. He played me like a fucking fiddle, which makes me even more furious. That I couldn’t see the evil within him. I just hate that I ever went out with him when you were so close. When the red string of fate was pulling me to you, and I wouldn’t listen. You’ve always been my soulmate. We just had to get over some bumps.”

“I wonder why he became a part of the Red Wolves when his father is entangled with Bangtan. They also are still quite close, so that means he keeps it hidden.”

“I’m surprised that Dr. Sato didn’t bring it up when we saw him at Halloween, but I’m sure my father got together a team to wash our entire relationship from the earth.”

“I was actually one of the hackers that helped with that job,” Taehyung awkwardly smiles. “There was quite a bit out on the internet about you two, and I was tasked to erase it all. I had a bit of fun doing it, actually.”

“I’m sure you did,” I chuckle. “I just don’t understand why he has to get with me, or how come he didn’t move on after I literally tortured him. He’s not in love with me. He’s obsessed.”

“I wonder if he came to the Red Wolves or if they came to him with the proposition to have you and rule the organization together. It makes sense that the seat would be reserved for you, since your mother was the boss’ daughter, but he doesn’t have to be involved at all.”

“The Red Wolves definitely came to him after I caught him cheating with the opportunity to not only run a large gang, but to get me back. He’s a fucking sick bastard.”

“They are really giving us great reason to take them out. There’s never been a chance like this.” Taehyung brings my hand up to kiss my knuckles. “We’ll figure it out when we get there. Right now, you need to stop thinking about all that. You need to relax. What do you want to do?”

I am about to answer when the door to my room slams open, making us instantly look over to see my brother in the doorway with the traces of a smile on his lips.

“Bambi!” Yoongi’s smile grows, but once his gaze spots Taehyung, he does his best to lose all emotion.

“Yoongi, I was wondering when you would come and see me,” I widely smile. “Come to make sure that I am awake and good?”

“I was so worried about you,” Yoongi shuffles over to stand on the side that Taehyung is not. “I keep thinking that those bastards hurt you in some way, and I guess they kind of did by making you remember.”

“No need to worry anymore. I’m doing fine. I feel so much better after all that sleep, and I’ll be relaxing right here for as long as Doc and Boo say that I need to.” I make the move to get up, so I can give my brother a hug, but a lightning bolt of pain shoots down my right side. “Ugh,” I groan, settling back into the bed in hopes that the pain will subside.

“What? What’s wrong?” Yoongi’s eyes widen as he searches all over, probably looking for blood.

“I don’t know,” I tenderly touch my side, feeling for a bandage that would tell me if I have a wound. “I remember waking up to a dull pain in my side, but moving really made it hurt.”

“She’s fine, you’re fine, babe,” Taehyung runs a hand through my hair. “You got a nasty bruise on your side when you fell from passing out, and it’s going to make moving a little hard until it heals. There’s nothing to worry about.” He presses a quick kiss to my lips. “You have to relax, babe.”

“I’m trying,” I giggle, pressing my lips to his for a few seconds. “It’s been a long few months.”

“As cute as that was, and as happy as I am that you are with V, I am going to have to ask you to not do that again until I have truly wrapped my head around this whole relationship,” Yoongi firmly states.

Taehyung’s cheeks redden as he settles back into his seat. “Sorry boss,” he mumbles, bringing his laptop back to his lap to get back to hacking.

“Thanks Yoongi,” I tap my feet together as my cheeks heat up. “Could you do me a favor brother?”

“Anything,” Yoongi runs a few fingers over my cheek.

“I’m gonna make you a list of things to grab from my room since I’m going to be here for a while, and I would love if you could go collect it all,” I flash my best gummy smile and bat my eyelashes.

“Anything for you, brat,” he pinches my cheek. “Anything for you.”

********

“Thanks for coming and hanging out with me while Tae is with my brother, Hobi,” I swirl noodles with my chopsticks before bringing them up to my mouth.

“Always a pleasure,” Hoseok flashes a big smile. “What are Tae and your brother talking about?”

“Tae’s going over all of our dates that lead to Red Wolves’ coming up to me, and then all the information we have gathered before Yoongi knew about us dating. He’s also explaining the team I put together that was going to tackle the problem by ourselves, but we don’t have to do that anymore.”

“No more sneaking around your brother’s back, I see,” he teases.

“Well, it was that or have him ground me for life and kill Tae,” I shrug. “Love makes you do crazy things. I can now remember when we were little, and we spent so much time together, and I loved him then. I couldn’t understand it, but looking back on it now, I was deeply in love with him.”

“You are the cutest, buttercup.”

“Have you ever been in love, Hobi?”

“It’s been awhile, but there used to be someone, before Bangtan, that I think I was in love with them.”

“Do you know where they are?”

“I’ve been searching, hoping, and I am sure that one day we will meet again. If not, then I am content were I am at, and I don’t need anyone to complete me. I’ll just keep living life and thanking some higher power from bringing me here.”

“That’s very sweet, Hobi.”

He shrugs, “I didn’t mean for it to get all mushy, but it did. Tell me what you’ve been doing since you woke up.”

“Well, they don’t let me do much but lie in this bed, so I have just been playing video games, coloring, reading, or watching shows with Tae.” I skip over the detail that Taehyung has helped me take a bath once, and how I was shocked at the bruise that covers my entire right side. “No schoolwork until I leave here, so I have been trying not to worry about that. No worrying about the business either, which has made me a bit more antsy than I thought it would.”

“You were wired to lead. We’re doing fine without you, though. We keep working hard so that you don’t have to worry while you rest up.”

“How much does everyone know?”

“Only your inner circle knows about your memories and all that. Everyone else thinks that the Red Wolves sent some asshole to scare you, and then gave you some drug to make you pass out. It’s been a great motivator in our fight against them. We all understand how precious you are to Bangtan.”

“Precious,” I turn the word over in my mouth. “That’s what my mother used to call me when I was little. I’d like to think that I have grown since then.”

“You have,” Hoseok nods. “Precious is more than being weak and needing others to protect you. Without you, Bangtan would spiral into madness.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that,” I chuckle.

“You’re the best fighter I know, buttercup, so never think that anyone looks down on you. That we think you can’t protect yourself. We know that you can, but there are things that you need help with, and you can’t go through life alone.”

“I know. That’s why I am thankful that I have all of you by my side.”

A small knock comes at my door, with a voice calling out, “Dessert!”

“Come in!” I call back.

The door slowly opens to reveal Seokjin and Namjoon with a plate of brownies.

“Hell yes,” I grin, tapping my chopsticks on the edge of my bowl. “That is just the kind of treat I have been craving.”

“Well, you’ve been locked up in here for a few days, so I thought this was the least I could do,” Seokjin grins, stepping up to place the brownies on my bed tray.

“Did Joonie help?” I tease.

“He watched and that was it.”

“I can cook simple foods,” Namjoon huffs. “I’m not that clumsy.”

“Sure, sure,” Hoseok says. “Just because you can drive a car without any trouble doesn’t mean you didn’t once set the laundry machine on fire.”

I burst into laughter, “I haven’t thought about that in forever. We had to redo that entire room because of all the smoke and water damage. I’m still trying to figure out how you could have started a fire in there in the first place to this day.”

“Shut up,” Namjoon pouts, grabbing a brownie off the plate.

“How have you been holding up, pumpkin?” Seokjin takes a seat in one of the chairs around my bed.

I shrug, “No headaches, which is good. My side still keeps me from doing a lot, so I am just doing my best to let it heal. It has been a while since I have been able to relax like this, so I have been enjoying it a lot.”

“She loves spending all her day with her boyfriend too,” Hoseok teases, reaching over to pinch my cheek before snatching a brownie.

“I mean, yeah,” I take a deep breath to stop the blush from spreading across my cheeks. “He hacks a lot, so we don’t do a lot of talking, but just having him in here with me calms me down and makes me feel safe.”

“I remember you talking to me about the red string tied around your pinkie a few years ago,” Seokjin says. “After that one boy hurt you, and you wondered who was on the other end of your string. I’m so glad you found him.”

“The string never breaks, though it may tangle, and the two people are destined to get together no matter what,” I take a bite of a brownie.

“That boy made sure that he always had an eye on you,” Namjoon speaks up. “He would send me updates so that I knew when you would reach the car.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t talk about you more to me when he came to the kitchen for meals,” Seokjin adds.

“He’s the one who suggested the job of watching over me to my father, and I couldn’t be happier,” I let the small smile edge onto my face. “What about you two?” I point at Seokjin and then Namjoon. “What are some of your dreams?”

“I’m still hoping to get back to running a restaurant,” Seokjin answers. “Even though the kitchen here has the same atmosphere, I just want to leave a legacy like that behind. There is also someone from my past that I would like to talk to again.”

“Like a special someone?” I tilt my slightly.

“You could say that,” he somberly smiles. “Namjoon, what are your dreams?”

“Oh, hm, I don’t know,” Namjoon shrugs. “Street racing is a thing of my past, and I only have a degree because Bangtan payed for it. I guess, it would be nice to show my parents that I did something with my life. To ask for their forgiveness, but I don’t know if that will ever happen,” he sighs.

“We’re kind of like a group of misfit toys,” I giggle. “I believe that we can accomplish our dreams if we try hard enough, so never give up.”

“And what is your dream, buttercup?” Hoseok questions.

“I have a lot of dreams, but I guess right now I just want to be happy. I want to figure out the puzzle that surrounds my parent’s deaths, and then finally move on.”

“She wants to spend the rest of her life with me,” Taehyung’s voice perks me up in an instant as he enters the room. “She’s already got it all figured out.”

“Taehyungie!” I happily squeal, bouncing a few times. “How was your meeting with Yoongi?”

“Went well,” he nods, walking over to me. “We have a plan now, or at least we have begun to develop a plan.” He cups my face, leaning down to press a few pecks to my lips. “You have to get better before anything moves ahead, though.”

“Ah, look at the couple being all cute and kissy,” Seokjin teases.

“Leave them be,” Namjoon gives Seokjin a shove.

“I love you,” Taehyung pulls back, walking over to the couch where he’s set up a place to work.

“I love you too,” I gummy smile.

“Look at you being all cute,” Hoseok chuckles. “Forever and always the cutest.”

“And forever and always mine,” Taehyung has a boxy smile gracing his face. “And I couldn’t be happier about it.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Holy shit, I think this may be the longest chapter, and I think it deserves it. There was so much information that needed to be told in this plot turning chapter with Reo and then Areum’s memories causing headaches and giving some of the other minor characters their time. It’s been a while since the last chapter, and I am sorry for that. I will try to do better. Anyways, hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you thought, as that means a lot to me. Now, I’ll get working on the next chapter! :D (This is a repost from earlier, some chapters were deleted, and I wanted it to make sure that everything was in order).

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raybansandcoffee · 5 years

Text

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Twelve

First things first, I am so so so sorry about how long this has taken. I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I was diagnosed with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection at the beginning of November. I got sent home with an antibiotic and antiviral. I could not get better. So it was a second round of antibiotics and steroids after that. I spent 3.5 weeks sick. I have a couple of chronic health conditions that make my immune system suck so getting better from something like that may take the average person like 3-5 days. It takes 3-5 weeks for me. Most of that I was in bed and working in short spurts when I could function upright. Thankfully I work for myself so I could structure my life that way. I also did a little editing and writing on another story I was writing years ago about the Jonas Brothers to try and give some happy breaks in the day for a friend who is going through some unimaginable stuff with her family. My friend means the world to me and this story has always made her happy so if me writing more of it could give even a few moments of quiet while processing things it was worth it. So this took a backseat and I hate that. Thank you so much for sticking with me. To thank you this is a really long chapter. Over 12,500 words, so hopefully you enjoy it.

If you need a refresher or haven’t read first the first eleven chapters they are HERE.

As a warning there is a description of Charlie’s experience the weekend Sam and Michael die in this chapter. If you think this might be triggering to you emotionally you can skip over the email in this section. If you need someone to talk to after reading it please contact me. I’m always willing to listen and help you find resources if you need them.

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“Ava is Ellery’s best friend. I’ve told you about her. This is Jeremy, Ava’s Dad,” I answered. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy dropped my hand that was still behind my back and extended it to shake Alex and Max’s hands.

“Hi, I’m Jeremy Renner. It’s nice to meet you both,” he said. I glanced over at him and he didn’t look like he had when he met anyone in my family. He wasn’t smiling his brightest smile, it was a more subdued smile. I mean I don’t blame him because he was meeting Alex for the first time and none of us had glowing reviews of her before her arrival. Well, hopefully, it was that. If it wasn’t it was because I had introduced him as Ava’s Dad, which was a truthful description of him but not a full description. It left out what he meant to me and the kids.

“Nice to meet you, Jeremy,” Max replied. Alex looked from Jeremy to me and back again.

“You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” Alex asked.

“I’ve maybe been in a movie you’ve seen before but other than that I don’t think so. I live in LA part-time but I don’t recognize you, so I’m going to go with it was probably a movie.”

“Mom, he’s Hawkeye in the Avengers movies that the twins love,” Savannah jumped in to add.

“Oh of course. I thought maybe you were a friend from USC that I didn’t remember. Charlotte hung out with a lot of interesting people that I didn’t know very well.”

“Charlotte?” I asked raising an eyebrow. “Since when do you call me Charlotte?” I knew when she called me Charlotte. It always meant a lecture was coming. She turned to look at me and I almost felt myself shrink back into the 18-year-old college student who was slightly afraid of my new roommate. I mean I eventually moved beyond being afraid of her all of the time and we became friends but that first like month of school was a nightmare. The rest was just mostly a nightmare because she was pregnant and hormonal.

“I wasn’t sure if Ellery’s friends’ parents knew you as anything other than Charlotte.” The parents at the boys’ school all knew her as Alexandra. She forced her students to call her Dr. Barrett-Gladstone. Only a few select colleagues and friends called her Alex.

“They mostly all know me as Charlie or don’t know me at all. You know usually that peopleing isn’t one of my greatest skills.” Jeremy started to laugh, his real normal laugh.

“You aren’t good at peopleing, really ever.” I punched him in the bicep and then shook my hand.

“Ouch,” I mumbled.

“You know better,” Jeremy said as he scrunched his face at me and I scrunched mine back. At this moment I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to live to see the lunch I knew was waiting in the kitchen so I didn’t.

“Hey, you two.” THANK YOU, FRANKIE! My sister had perfect timing, coming over to hug Alex and Max so that this awkward moment could end. “Did you have a nice flight? Do you need me to help you get settled? Oh, you’ve met Jeremy right? He’s the absolute greatest.” She didn’t even pause to take a breath and let anyone answer.

“Yes, we met Jeremy,” Alex answered very matter-of-factly. I saw Frankie’s chipper face soften.

“Let me take you to get your luggage settled and everything. We’ve got you downstairs. There’s room for you and the boys. With Dad and Mandi being here plus Jeremy and Ava are staying here this weekend we had to do a little moving around. Sorry, you don’t have your normal room, Alex. I’ve got Frankie and Ryan in the suite above the garage because Carter is sleeping in the office. We are experiencing a little bit of sleep regression with Axel so I didn’t want any of the kids to stay in there with him.”

“Understandable,” Max said. “We are fine with the rooms in the basement. There’s a lot of space down there.” I went into the house with Frankie and Alex following me, thankfully Jeremy stayed to keep Max occupied knowing I’d need a moment alone with my sister and Alex. Judging by Alex’s facial expression through this entire conversation we were preparing ourselves for an uncomfortable conversation. We made small talk while we walked into the house, got their bags and headed down to the rooms I’d picked for them. I was a little nervous, it was the two rooms in the house that shared a bathroom, though to be honest there was another bathroom in the basement that had an outdoor entrance because of the hot tub.

“So Jeremy isn’t just Ellery’s friend’s Dad is he?” Alex asked.

“No, he’s not. We are friends.” Frankie glared at me. “And we’ve been on one date.”

“He was the hot single dad who invited you over for a pool day?” I nodded. “And you felt that it was appropriate to hide his identity from me?”

“Well, based on experience I felt it was best to wait until there was a reason to tell you about him. There wasn’t really a reason until Wednesday. We went on our first date that night.”

“They also arrived home to all of us here,” Frankie said. “So she really hasn’t had a chance to tell you about it. But she really seems happy. Like super happy.”

“I am happy.”

“What do you mean based on experience?” I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an incredibly honest person and sometimes, with Alex, honesty is not the best policy because it creates disagreements.

“Jeremy is an actor, musician, and producer. His life is very much based in the Hollywood scene you so openly despise. I’ve watched how you treated Savannah’s dad her entire life, you were hard on Michael for so long and honestly, you’re the only person who has ever asked me when I’m going to grow up and get a ‘real’ job as if my career isn’t real because it’s part of Hollywood. Jeremy’s career makes him a second-class citizen to you and I didn’t want the judgment about it until there was a reason to judge. He also doesn’t deserve your judgment.” She opened her mouth like she was going to speak and I held up my hand signaling that it wasn’t her turn yet. “He’s a great Dad, an incredible friend, and has been there for me through the hell I’ve been reliving the nightmare that this week is. He didn’t judge me, my kids or my life. He embraced us for the wild, crazy, feral family we are. He’s offered help to not just me but to my kids, my brother and your daughter. For the first time in a year, someone has made me actually enjoy my life beyond what is required of me. The last year of my life has been literal hell, he doesn’t judge a bit of my crazy and is trying to help me out of that hell. He is the first person in a year that doesn’t look at me with sad eyes, worry that I’m going to crack under the pressure, or judge my every single decision. He knows that I’m doing the best I can and wants to be here to help me do that. I couldn’t ask for a better person to have magically fallen in my lap.” Frankie smiled.

“I’ve treated Savannah’s Dad like crap because he’s a piece of shit. He left me with that baby and didn’t look back.”

“Except the thing is he left you, he didn’t leave her. Did you know that he calls her every day? Or that he’s come to stay with us every other month for a long weekend since she moved so he could see her? Did you know that he sends me money every month to help pay for Savy’s part of the utilities? Did you know that he called me to ask if it was appropriate for him to come this weekend? She’d called to invite him because he is part of her support system and this is a hard weekend for all of us, including your daughter. You have done everything you could to sabotage the relationship between your daughter and her father because you are bitter that he left YOU. He didn’t want what had been a friends with benefits relationship to become an unhappy marriage just because you couldn’t figure out how to properly take birth control.” Frankie’s eyes bugged out of her head. I was fairly certain I saw steam escape from Alex’s ears. I’d never actually expressed my feelings on Alex’s treatment of Savannah’s Dad. It hadn’t been my place but her transferring her anger towards him to every other man who happened to work in Hollywood was my business.

“Tell me how you really feel, Charlotte.”

“I hate when you call me Charlotte. You do it in a condescending manner like I should use my grown-up name instead of still pretending I’m a kid and letting people call me Charlie or Chucky. You have spent every day of your life since you met me looking down your nose at me because I don’t behave properly, I didn’t see the value in the life I could’ve had if I'd opted for law school instead of music. I still dress like a kid and wear shorts that are too short and need to purge my wardrobe and dress appropriately for a woman of my age. Every man I’ve ever dated was a piece of trash or not good enough. You don’t get to do that to Jeremy because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man. One person doesn’t mean an entire industry of people are trash. I mean you were a complete and utter bitch to Michael for the first six months that he and Sam were together. You never really got much better either. I don’t honestly even know why you feel like you need to be here. You were so harsh to both of them. They weren’t raising their kids right. They weren’t living life the way they needed to. They didn’t do the right things. You sent me a text message ranting about how you couldn’t believe that they were going out on a date to celebrate their anniversary instead of staying home with their three-week-old baby. Imagine if they had stayed home the destruction that could’ve happened? You had to judge them for wanting to celebrate how much they loved each other because you were jealous. But worst of all, you are still so angry that they left those kids in my clearly incapable hands when you were the obvious choice.”

I was almost crying by now. I hadn’t brought up to anyone the text she sent me. She’d been surprised to find out I was watching the kids when she text me that night. I told her that I had them overnight so that Sam and Michael could celebrate, she felt it was so inappropriate, they needed to be home caring for their baby not allowing me to take care of them. I still wasn’t sure which way she felt, that I was incompetent with children and shouldn’t have them or that they were being irresponsible by having a life. Frankie came to stand beside me and grabbed my hand in hers squeezing it.

“You clearly have been harboring that anger for quite some time.” Alex was ticked but she was trying to stay calm. She always told me my temper was unattractive and part of the reason I was single, when I was in a relationship she claimed she didn’t know how Patrick put up with it.

“You think? You’ve always acted like you were better than me. I’m fairly certain I got laid more freshman year than you did but only one of us ended up pregnant. So Miss Perfect, how do you explain that?”

“Alright you two, stop this arguing. Tensions are high. You’re both grieving this weekend and grief takes different forms. Clearly right now Charlie’s is anger and well, I don’t know what your form is Alex but either way you two need to stop. This is the absolute last thing that Sam would’ve wanted. For whatever reason, she loved you both and sometimes I question her sanity because you both drive me crazy occasionally.” To the rescue came Mandi. She was even laughing which was helping to break the tension a little bit. “Alex you were up early to fly here and had to wrangle the twins and that husband of yours through LAX which is always a stress-producing experience. Charlie, you are being defensive and we both know that’s not a good thing. You have guests in your house and a man who appears to be falling for you by the second waiting outside to finish decorating for dinner. Don’t blow it by showing him that your Italian temper can make you a wee bit of a bitch sometimes.” Now I was laughing. Alex smiled like she’d won. “Alex, wipe that smirk off your face. You aren’t free of guilt in this situation. You have harbored a grudge against people for what you perceive your ex to be and that’s not fair, especially to your friends and Jeremy. It’s going to be an emotionally charged weekend and we are only a few hours away from all of Sam’s family arriving in from Reno for dinner. So take a few minutes each to calm down, get your shit together and stop being bitches to each other. While we all know that Sam secretly enjoyed watching the debates between the two of you she’d hate to see you doing that this weekend. This weekend is about loving her, remembering her, and celebrating her, not about you two and this petty nonsense.”

“Fine,” I replied. “I’ve gotta go shower anyway.” I turned and walked out of the room. I heard Alex start to bitch about something only to be shut down by my stepmom and sister. I was still angry and still about two seconds away from crying. I was also thanking the vacation gods that the whole plan for Alex and her family to stay here for 10 days had been canceled by a speaking opportunity at a conference for Alex. I don’t think this would’ve been a great start to a 10-day vacation.

“You okay,” Jeremy asked when I made it to the bottom of the stairs. He was sitting on them and clearly had heard everything I’d just screamed at my friend. I shook my head no. “Let’s go upstairs. You can shower and vent. Ok?” I nodded. He took my hand and I helped him up off the stairs. We went up to my bedroom and as soon as the door shut the hyperventilating started as the tears streamed down my face. Jeremy pulled me into him hugging me tightly. “Breathe. Deep breaths.”

“I can’t…I can’t…I can’t breathe.” Without thinking twice about it he picked me up and carried me over to the bed and laid me down before laying beside me. He wrapped his arms and legs around me, his entire body enveloping mine like a burrito. I sobbed, openly for a while. I was finally able to start breathing deeply again. Eventually, the tears stopped and I just laid there trying to avoid thinking about the fact that I’d just had a panic attack. I knew having everyone in my house was going to be hard, but I didn’t imagine it like this.

“Are you okay now?” I shook my head. “Still need to cry?”

“Maybe, but I need to shower more than that.”

“What happened?”

“I maybe exploded. It was like 18 years of pent up anger and anxiety that just erupted out of me like I was fucking Vesuvius and wanted to murder everything in my path. It was not my best moment but she can be such a flaming bitch sometimes. I am surprised I couldn’t remain composed a little bit longer.”

“Well from what I heard you clearly needed to say what you said. Do you feel better?”

“A little, though now I’m positive the rest of this weekend is going to fucking suck worse than it was already going to.”

“I’m here with you every step of the way.”

“I really am grateful for that. But I need to shower so you need to get out of here for a few steps of the way.” He laughed at me before leaning down to kiss me, a kiss I felt all the way to my toes. The anxiety that had just ripped through my body really wanted its drug of choice, which was sex but this was a completely inappropriate time for that. So instead I kissed him a little bit longer before kicking him out, turned on music and sat down at my laptop at the desk in my bedroom.

**********

To: Samantha Madigan

From: Charlotte De Luca

Subject: One Year…

Sam,

Today is the day I’ve been dreading.

I’ve never told you what that day was like for me. I was sure if there was a way that you could find out you’d already know. But it’s time that I tell you.

A year ago you were stolen from me. It’s been a year since I really knew what it felt like to breathe. I relive that night and day over and over and over again, mostly in the form of nightmares. I remember listening to you go through the instructions you’d written for me about Axel’s feeding schedule, sleep schedule, and the lecture about giving too much sugar to Ellery because the next day was a big day and she needed her sleep. The next day you’d be getting up, dragging me around town and planning the following weekend which was Axel’s big Welcome to the World party; a party that never happened, well at least not in the way you planned. Michael and Patrick were goofing off, telling you I knew how to take care of the kids and that you’d be late for your reservations. You did end up late but the restaurant of course was so excited to see you two and celebrate your 7th anniversary with you that you were seated anyway.

The kids were perfect. Axel fell asleep on my chest on the couch that night. Ellery did eat too much candy, but she still slept like an angel, shockingly. I had gotten up to feed Axel when he started crying. You’d warned me about the middle of the night feedings. It was 2:08 when the knock that changed my life echoed through the apartment. I had Axel in my arms and went to the door. It had to be a drunk person at the wrong door, at least that’s what I thought. Then I looked through the peephole to see two LAPD officers. The knock woke Patrick up from his dead sleep in our bedroom. I opened the door as he came into the living room, he was just in his boxers and a little embarrassed by that when he realized I’d opened the door to two police officers. You’d have laughed at him. He turned so red.

“Are you Miss Charlotte De Luca?” asked the officer with the darker hair. “I am,” I replied a little nervous. “May we come in, we need to talk to you in private,” the second officer said. I opened the door more as they came in and shut the door behind them. “Miss De Luca, there’s been an incident at 902 Walsh Boulevard this evening. We believe that right around midnight Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick arrived home in the middle of a home invasion. Neighbors called 911 at 12:04 reporting gunshots. We arrived at the home at 12:11. There was no suspect in the home at the time and both Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick had been shot multiple times. We pronounced them dead at the scene.” I don’t think Patrick has ever moved so fast. He took Axel from my arms as I dropped to the floor. The room filled with the most blood curdling scream, after enough of the nightmares I’ve discovered that the scream was mine and what woke Ellie up.

The officers told me that the home was still a crime scene and I wouldn’t be able to get inside until the next day. They were going to need me or a family member to go to the hospital at 9:00 in the morning to identify your bodies. I was listed as your emergency contact in both of your phones and on your medical records because you didn’t have family in LA. As soon as the police officers gave Patrick all of the information he’d need he packed up the kids’ stuff, got me changed, and we headed down to the parking garage. You’d left your Mercedes with us in case we needed to take the kids anywhere, that way we didn’t have to fuck with car seats. I hadn’t said a word since I stopped screaming. I remember hearing Patrick on the phone with my Dad. He explained what happened and that we were in the car headed to his house. By the time we arrived Frankie and Ryan were both there having left the kids with Stevie.

I was numb, a feeling that honestly lasted for weeks. I still feel pretty numb most days. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t. Every time I tried to close my eyes I imagined the police officers standing at my door. Dad spoke with the officer who had left his information with Patrick in the morning before sending us to the morgue. The police agreed to let us into the house to get things for the kids. Mandi and I got in the car with just enough time to arrive at the hospital at 9:00. Frankie had gone home to get the kids. Dad and Ryan were busy pulling up your latest will, your asset information, and anything else we’d need. Patrick went home to get me some clothes and make sure that everything your Mom and Dad would need when they got into LA was ready.

I will never forget how cold the morgue felt. The police officer with the dark hair was there again. He went with Mandi and I to identify your body and Michael’s. I had tried to convince Mandi not to come with me but she didn’t want to leave my side. You didn’t look like yourself, even though I knew it was you. Your skin was ashen. The glow you always had was gone. You didn’t ooze sunshine and rainbows anymore. You were gone. So was Michael. They told me he had been shot more times than you. He tried to fight the intruder and they believed the intruder would be easier to find than it could’ve been because Michael was able to wrestle with him long enough that he was shot, they believed in the arm. It was likely that he would require medical attention and they were able to get enough DNA to identify him. Information was sent to every hospital on the west coast and every police department in the country. It was nice to hear though it brought no comfort as I stared down at your body. All I wanted to do was shake you awake. You had to just be sleeping, but you weren’t.

What happened next is what haunts me, literally. I wake up most nights screaming when I get to this part. Mandi pulled up to your house, an officer at the end of the driveway stopped us and asked to see IDs. He radioed to another officer and then let us in. Your car was in the driveway, a door standing open where the intruder had opened it hoping to get it hot-wired to leave in it. He wasn’t able to and left on foot or in a getaway car, they weren’t sure. We walked in the front door to find LAPD employees everywhere. It was like a scene straight from Law and Order, I was waiting for Ice T to enter the room, it would’ve shown this was a joke because how obsessed you were with the show. There was no Ice T. There was blood everywhere, evidence markers, crime scene tape, and an obvious location as to where you and Michael had both died. Your perfectly white living room was covered in red blood. Everything was thrown around the room, the place had been ransacked before you came home. Mandi and I quickly threw items for the kids into bags so we could head back to her house. Before we left the second police officer wanted to question me again. They’d asked a few questions the night before but I hadn’t been very much help, the whole screaming uncontrollably thing was the problem.

Once they were done Mandi put me back in the car and we headed back to Santa Barbara. We both were wishing we’d brought someone else with us because after everything we’d just seen neither of us was in any condition to drive. When we got back to the house I knew I had to sit Ellie down and let her know she wouldn't be going home. She’d wonder why were were at Nana and Papa’s. I do want to thank you for having her call them that as soon as she could talk, it made that transition in the last year much easier. Your Mom and Dad had arrived at the house, my Dad had sent his law firm’s plane to pick them up in Reno so that they didn’t have to drive. Alex, Savannah and Max were there as well, as was Stevie. Savannah, knowing that this portion was an adult thing, offered to watch all of the kids so that we could go through the will.

Dad and Ryan gave a copy to each of us. It had just been updated two weeks prior after Axel was born. The first portion shocked everyone in the room, except me. You left the two most precious things in your world in my control. Your Mom was a little upset but understood that she and your Dad were in no condition to take on an infant. Alex was the one that made my Dad read it three times. Me getting the kids came as a shock to her. She assumed she would get them. There was a trust set up for me and each of the kids. Funds to maintain one of the houses through Axel’s 25th birthday. You essentially left everything to me and the kids. A few items, sentimental things like jewelry and other valuables, were left to your Mom, Dad, Alex, Savannah, Frankie, Stevie, and Mandi. Your wedding rings left to each of the kids. I wasn't able to say thank you for thinking of the loss my sister, Mom, and Mandi would experience. Frankie wears your diamond earrings for every special occasion. Mandi wears your emerald ring nearly every day. I don’t think Stevie has taken the necklace you left her off since the morning I was able to get everything from the house. She remembers buying that for you for the first Christmas you spent with her in London when you weren't able to get home. Savannah and I share the rest of it between us. I noticed this morning that she was wearing your favorite amethyst earrings. I’ll be wearing your sapphire earrings tonight, the something blue from your wedding. We all miss you. More than words can describe. Having these little momentos of you to carry with us helps.

As you know, I decided that it would be best for the kids and I to move to Tahoe. Leaving LA was the hardest thing I’ve experience other than losing you. I miss my family every day, but the kids are both thriving here. I’ve finally hit a creative streak now that Tony has moved to be here with us. I feel so much more at peace with him here. He and Savannah are a huge help, having them both has finally allowed me to slow down and heal. Your babies, our babies are my life. They are the reason I live and breathe. I will do everything to always take care of them, I hope you know that. They are the best gift life has given me, I just wish it hadn’t meant I had to give you up.

Tonight your family is arriving at the house with mine and Alex’s to celebrate you. To celebrate what would’ve been your 8th anniversary. Tomorrow the house will fill again with family and friends, evidently it’s possible there will be 80 fucking people here, I blame Alex. We will celebrate your life. Your funeral was a nightmare, as I’ve said before. Stevie did the best she could but she was getting so much conflicting information that it was just a nightmare. So tonight is dinner, the exact menu from your wedding. Tomorrow a casual event, a party. Don’t worry your rainbow lanterns are hung in a tent in the backyard. At the end of the evening I will walk into the part of the woods that you told me was your favorite and spread part of your ashes and Michael’s ashes so that you can live in that special place forever.

I’ve already gotten into a fight with Alex, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Emotions are high in this house right now. But I have a safety net, don’t worry. While Patrick and I broke up the morning after your funeral there is finally someone special in my life. Someone worthy of my time and maybe someday of my heart. Our Ellery made a friend at school named Ava. Ava comes with a single Dad named Jeremy. We’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know each other as the girls have spent summer days enjoying the sunshine and having a friend. Wednesday he and I went on our first date. He’s amazing. He just gets it. He’s not in the least bit terrified about the 18 wheeler of baggage the kids and I come with. He and Tony get along well. He’s already won over my entire family and Savy. You’d adore him. He’s funny, smart, a musician, and keeps me on my toes. Alex on the other hand isn’t so sure yet, he’s an actor so you know how that goes. Tell Michael that an Avenger helps tuck his kids in bed at night.

The police did end up catching the man. His trial starts in a few weeks. I am going to go home. This is the first time I’ve actually said that. This man needs to know what he stole. He needs to know the damage he’s done. Your two beautiful kids will grow up without their Mom and Dad. I will spend the rest of my life without my best friend. If I ever get married I’ll be short my maid of honor, and yes I actually consider that there someday might be a wedding in my life. There also might not be, who knows. Doing it without you won’t feel right.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I miss you every second of every day. I don’t think I’ve felt like I could truly take a deep breath since the knock on my door happened. The nightmares haven’t lessened as time has gone by. I don’t know that there will ever be a day where I don’t wish I could pick up my phone and call you. Our business manager tried to convince me to stop paying for your email, you know how he is, fucking penny pincher. But I can’t. I want these to be here for me, for the kids, so that if somehow there is a way that you still get email in heaven that you will always know what is going on in my life. So that when I miss you too much to function that I can tell you about life. There are fewer days filled with tears than there were a year ago. But as you know, every tear drop is a waterfall.

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

**********

I wiped the tears that had slid down my cheeks while writing the email away, hit send, and stood up to go get in the shower. I put some music on so that I could get lost in the process of getting ready. I knew that I’d be up here long enough that I’d get out of all of the last-minute set up things. My sister could handle it and maybe Alex would get her shit together and help, though I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that, especially after I just chewed her out. I took my time getting ready, I don’t honestly think I’d devoted this much time to the way I looked for something in over a year. I finally understood what my friends with kids meant when they talked about never having time to do anything because of kids. Most of the time I was fairly sure I was covered in half of Axel’s breakfast and mascara from three days prior.

“Hey you,” Jeremy said. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame. I’d been in here for over an hour now. “You have pink in your hair.”

“That I do. It’s not a permanent thing, but Sam loved me with pink hair. I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her. It’ll fade pretty easily,” I replied as I unclamped the curling iron from the piece of hair I had in it letting the curl fall. I put the curling iron down on the counter as he walked towards me. He kissed me softly.

“I like it. You look super cute.” He twirled a lock of my hair with it pastel pink ends with his fingers. “Are you feeling better?”

“A little bit. I mean I probably shouldn’t have unleashed on Alex but today is not the day to fuck with me and to be so quick to judge you, I’m just not okay with it.”

“She wasn’t totally judging me. I mean she wasn’t being warm and receptive but you were already primed and ready for a fight. She probably could’ve replied that she thought I was amazing and you would’ve still been ready to fight her. I mean she deserved everything you said. Based on what you’ve told me the relationship the two of you have has always been a challenge and the loss of Samantha has made it even harder. She was the glue that held the three of you together, without her you’re both struggling. It’s understandable but it’s made even harder by the fact that both of you are strong women who don’t admit defeat well.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Oldest of six kids, remember. I grew up with a bunch of sisters. I know how you all work but especially how you fight. You two love each other but you are different people, especially now than you were when you were freshman in college.”

“We absolutely are. I mean she has three kids, I’m raising Sam’s two-plus half parenting her child.”

“Have you ever thought that might be part of it?” he asked.

“I’ve always thought it was a possibility. I was around for a lot of Savannah’s firsts, some of which she missed. You know how close she and I are. I used to think it was similar to how my relationship with Tony was, I mean I’m a great sister. But it’s less like sisters. She comes to me with the stuff I go to Stevie or Mandi with. I can’t imagine if I had a kid and that happened. Like if someday Axel shows up to you to ask about girls.”

“If that happens you’ll be damn happy and so will I.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it means that I am still part of your life. And that you don’t have to have the birds and the bees talk with Axel.”

“True fucking story. I am so NOT prepared for that shit.” He sat down on the counter to keep me company while I finished my hair and makeup. He talked me through the crap going through my mind and put me at ease knowing that I’d make it downstairs just as guests were arriving. I went into the closet to get dressed. I pulled out a dress that I’d ordered online for tonight. It was a very bohemian look, something Sam would’ve picked out for me. I got it in black, which made it look a little more goth and maybe felt a little bit morbid for the situation. I knew everyone else was planning on wearing bright colors. I’d also ordered the dress in white, just in case I felt like I needed something lighter. I put on the bra I’d need to wear under it and stood in my closet staring at the two trying to pick which one I should wear. “Hey Jer, I need your opinion.”

“Yes...whoa. You are just in your lingerie.”

“Yeah, sorry. I can’t pick a color. Black or white.”

“What are your thoughts on the colors?”

“Well, for the most part, everyone is wearing bright colors tomorrow and probably tonight too, Ellie is wearing a white tunic top that looks like a little kid version of this dress. I know that it’s not meant to be a depressing night. It’s meant to be celebratory. So for that, I’m leaning towards the white.”

“And the black?” he asked.

“It’s my favorite color to wear when I’m getting dressed up. Sam and I were always the girls in black in LA when everyone else embraced color. It’s odd I know. She loved color. She wore color in her accessories and sometimes in her main clothing but when we were together she’d embrace black because my inner-goth child wasn’t ever going to wear all the colors she was. I like the idea of wearing the white so Ellie and I are dressed kind of similar, but I also feel a bit odd wearing white today since it would’ve been her day to wear white as we all celebrated her and Michael.”

“Go with the black. Your hair will make it seem less morbid and it might make your hair stand out. Then tomorrow you can wear something brighter. It is a somber day for you, no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not.” I turned and looked at him. He was standing in front of me in the pants he’d had on earlier and no shirt because we’d both been in the middle of changing.

“Thank you.”

“You’re asking a lot of me. I mean you’re standing in front of me in a bra and panties. I really want to ravage you right now but I also know that your phone is gonna start blowing up with notifications at the gate any second. You need to get into hostess mode.”

“Ravage me? What a vivid description.” He hugged me tight to him and kissed me. As we made skin-on-skin contact I felt my heartbeat race. All I wanted to do was climb into bed, get lost in his kisses and forget about what today meant. I wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs but knew I couldn’t. “I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as he rested his lips against my forehead. “If I don’t get dressed now we are never making it out of this room.”

“I know. Clothes now, Charlie. We can pick this up after everyone goes home.”

“Yes, yes we can.” I kissed him one more time before he walked out of the closet and I slid on the black dress. It was flowy with layers of silk, chiffon, and lace. The top was all lace across my shoulders and the small sleeves. The opaque fabric started at the perfect spot to show some cleavage but also leave something to the imagination. I stood staring at my shoes in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I hadn’t ever really been a fan of heels. My normal Vans would look a little off with something like this. I opted for my black combat boots. I knew somewhere in the universe Sam was smiling. She loved that I was often the person willing to wear skater shoes or combat boots with a dress instead of heels. Alex had made us wear long dresses for her wedding and bought these ridiculously high heels. Halfway through the pictures, Alex realized I had purchased a pair of Vans that matched the dress and had them on instead of the heels the rest of the bridesmaids were wearing. I was short enough she only noticed because I’d sat down and moved the dress. The combat boots would’ve made Sam happy. She loved that I danced to the beat of my own drummer. I grabbed a black leather jacket knowing that it would eventually get cooler outside and I’d need a jacket.

When I walked into my bedroom I saw that Jeremy was sitting on the bed putting his shoes on. He had on a nice pair of dark gray pants with a white dress shirt underneath a black sweater. He smiled at me as I walked over to him. He hugged me to him, resting his head against my stomach. It was a nice, quiet moment until the inevitable alert went off on my phone. He reached to where it was sitting on the nightstand, not letting go of me completely and handed it to me. I looked to see it was the gate alert, Sam’s parents were here. I clicked letting them in.

“Time to go face the music,” I said.

“I know,” he replied. He stood up and kissed me softly. “You’re gonna do great tonight, honey. If you need anything just give me a signal.”

“Did you decide what our signal was?” I asked.

“I didn’t.”

“I have a feeling you’ll be able to sense it and tonight shouldn’t be bad. Tomorrow is gonna be the day that exhausts me.”

“I know, honey. But it’s gonna be okay.” We walked out of my bedroom holding hands. As soon as we got into the living room he squeezed my hand and then dropped it as we saw all of the kids in the room.

“Hi Charlie,” Ava said as she ran up to me and jumped into my arms so I could hug her. I slid her to my hip so we could talk.

“Hey, Ava. I’ve missed you, kiddo. Did you have fun visiting your Mommy?”

“I did. But I missed you guys. I’m really excited about the slumber party this weekend.”

“I am too.” Out of the corner of my eye. I caught Jeremy pull his iPhone out of his pocket and take a picture of the two of us together. Ellery came over and Jeremy picked her up. He wrangled the four of us into one photo and took a selfie. After the girls were down and running towards the door to say hi to Sam’s Mom and Dad he leaned over to kiss my cheek. I went to where Axel was playing on the floor and picked him up to take him to see Jane and Robert. “Did you have a good drive?” I asked.

“We did,” Jane replied.

“Speak for yourself. I still don’t know that I’m made to be a passenger,” Robert added causing me to laugh. Robert and Jane were both older than my parents, they’d waited until their late 30s to have Sam whereas Stevie and Vince got married the summer after college and Frankie came the first year of law school for my Dad. Robert had recently had to give up driving, he’d been diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago and it was progressing to the point that driving had become more difficult for him. He’d been a gearhead since he was young and had always worked on cars. Giving up driving had been hard for him, I was almost glad Sam didn’t have to see her Dad give up that huge part of his identity to his disease. Jane was caring for him full-time though recently she had started to have a nurse come in for part of the day so she can get stuff done.

“Well, I’m glad you put up with being a passenger. Your grandkids miss you bunches.” I smiled as I spoke hoping for the best with tonight. Jane’s face lit up at Axel which put me at ease and made me very happy. She took him from my arms. So she could snuggle him as Ellie hugged her Grandfather. Alex approached all of us leaning in to hug and cheek kiss both Jane and Robert. I backed away and headed over to where my siblings, Jeremy, and Ryan were standing.

“You look like you need a drink,” Ryan said.

“Are you playing bartender because I absolutely do?”

“I mean I could but you have a full fucking bar outside.” I looked at him and signaled to go outside making the other three standing with us laugh. As soon as Ryan and I were at the bar he put his arm around me as I rested my head on my arms, on the bar.

“This lady needs a shot of tequila and I’ll take one as well.”

“Make it two shots,” I said as I held up two fingers.

“Damn.” Ryan had always been a great friend. When my sister introduced me to him the first time I knew she’d met her match. “Your sister told me that you and Alex got into, I didn’t think it was two tequila shots worthy.”

“It’s more like ten but I’m hosting all of these people in my life and still trying to impress a new guy. Can’t get too wasted…too early. Watch out later once people are gone or tomorrow night. I started the weekend off with a fucking bang.” The bartender put three shots of tequila down on the bar.

“Well, cheers to your surviving the weekend.” I clinked shot glasses with Ryan, we tapped them against the top of the bar and threw them back. Before he’d even gotten done making his ‘tequila shot’ face I slammed the other.

“Shots already,” Dad said as he walked into the tent.

“It’s been a rough day,” I answered. He kissed my temple before ordering a drink for himself. I saw Jeremy come outside and smiled.

“You’re stupid if you think you still need to impress him,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a guy. I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not only impressed with you, he’s blown away. You’re a fucking catch, Charlie.”

“Thanks, Ryan. You’re sort of obligated to say that.”

“Oh no, I’m not. You’re my sister-in-law. You know how I feel about my brother’s wife. Sister-in-law does not require unconditional love and support.” I started to laugh. Frankie and Ryan both struggled with his brother’s wife. She was judgmental of the way they parented their kids and the lifestyle they lived in LA. Ryan’s brother still lived in Massachusetts where they grew up and worked with their Dad. His wife was a stay-at-home Mom to their three kids who were roughly the same age as my nieces and nephew. She sold some weird ‘health and wellness product line’ that someone sold her on in a Facebook message and claimed she was going to be a billionaire someday. In reality, she spent more on the products than she was ever going to make. She constantly judged Frankie for not only working full-time but also that she’d decided to go to law school. “I love you because I love you, Charlie. You are an absolute badass and were one of the things that made marrying your sister seem like such a great idea. I mean in general your whole family was, but you are one of my favorite people on this planet.”

“Only because I am the Frankie whisperer.” My sister could be a little high-strung. I usually knew exactly what to say to make her mad at me for about 45 seconds before realizing she needed to laugh and that I was awesome.

“You are. It’s a skill I wish I had now that you don’t live nearby anymore. She’s been extra on edge lately. If you come home for a while this summer it will do all of us a world of good.”

“I’m coming home. Just don’t tell her or Jeremy yet.”

“Good. I’m glad. I miss having you around.” I hugged Ryan one more time before Jeremy slid up beside me and slid an arm protectively around my waist.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“I saw you and Ryan doing shots. I just wanted to check and see if that was the signal.”

“If the signal was shots we would both be fucked.” I rested my head on his shoulder as he kissed the top of it. “Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m going to owe you big time.”

“I’m sure we can come up with an appropriate method to pay me back.” I laughed at the tone of his voice. I knew what he meant and didn’t even have to look at him to confirm the smirk on his face. As our girls came running out the back door I lifted my head off of his shoulder and he dropped his arm. While it was painfully aware to everyone here that he wasn’t just my daughter’s best friend’s Dad we hadn’t really discussed telling the kids and we’d really only gone on one date. Trying to explain to the girls what that was seemed too complicated. Especially for this weekend.

Everyone mingled for a while. There was lots of catching up, cocktails, and awkwardness between me and Alex. Sam’s parents clearly wanted to talk to both of us but neither of us was all that interested in talking to each other. I was really doing my best not to have a complete breakdown on the chic white couch that had been delivered to my backyard earlier today while we sat in conversation with Jane about how Robert’s most recent doctor’s appointment had gone. Robert was of course off with Jeremy, Ryan, and my Dad talking about cars, a conversation I’d much rather be in.

“How was the end of the school year?” Jane asked. She had made eye contact with me while she asked it but of course, Alex started to speak.

“The boys absolutely loved their teachers this year, they were of course in separate classes so as to not confuse the teachers. They both excelled tremendously and had straight As.” Internally I rolled my eyes. They weren’t at a point where grades should matter, honestly, grades should never matter because life is way more important than if you get a B+ or an A- but Alex would never see it that way. “Savannah will be taking more classes in fall but she’s only taking one online course this summer. She’s really loving school which makes me so happy. She’s decided to study early childhood education. I don’t know if that’s a permanent thing but following in my footsteps as a teacher would make me so proud.”

“Kindergarten went as well as could be expected,” I finally answered seeing the smile on Jane’s face change because Ellery was the kid she really wanted to hear about. “Ellie struggled with friends, for the most part, she’s very much her mother’s daughter, she doesn’t need a ton of friends, just a few great ones. She found Ava and latched on for dear life. They are inseparable which makes me really happy. This week was a bit rough, Ava was in Los Angeles with her mother so Ellery was a bit lonely. They’ve been able to still see each other nearly every day of break.”

“Ava and her Dad both seem wonderful,” Jane said. “I love seeing Ellie so happy with a friend.” I glanced at where Ellie, Ava, Harlow, and Aria were dancing together.

“I do too. Ava is a great kid. It’s nice that they have built a friendship that even at such a young age is so close. It will also be nice that when we do need to be back in LA for something that it’s possible that Ava will be there too. Having kids with multiple homes is a struggle for friends, Ava was like the perfect fit.”

“Her Dad seems like a great fit too.” Jane nodded in Jeremy’s direction, his laugh had risen above the volume of the conversation and made me smile.

“He really is. He’s been an absolute blessing to have around. Tony’s surprise relocation was made significantly easier with his help. He was here to make sure that the guest house was ready for Tony to move into. He has helped with the kids when I needed to help Tony with stuff. He’s been a great addition to our lives. It’s also nice to have an adult friend who lives in Tahoe. The Moms at school and I never really meshed. My journey of motherhood has been so different than theirs. There isn’t a whole lot to relate to them about.”

“Understandable,” Jane said. “It’s nice that you’ve found that with Jeremy.”

“It is.” I smiled again. I could tell it was the giant smile that if Sam were here would make her immediately start doing her ‘you’re in love’ happy dance. I wasn’t in love but I was very much in like.

“How long does Jeremy plan on staying in Tahoe?” Alex asked. “He is an actor after all. I assume he has a movie set to get to.”

“He will at some point. It’s not really my business what his work schedule is like. I know that he’ll need to be in Atlanta at some point later in the year and that he has some work in LA later this summer. He slowed down his workload a lot with Ava starting school. Being a Dad comes first, the rest is secondary.”

“Will you be back in LA at all this summer?” Alex asked. I could tell she was pissed that she didn’t know the answer to this question.

“Yes, for how long though I don’t know. I think the plan is to do Ellery’s birthday party at my Dad’s place in Santa Barbara. Jane, I know with you being in Los Angeles for the trial that you’d be there and would need to travel back to celebrate our little girl turning 6 so we’ve started talking about planning the party there so you can stay at my condo and not have to travel back. Plus Ava will be in Los Angeles as are my nieces, nephew, and the twins. So we thought it just made sense for the group of us to go to LA instead of everyone coming back here for a birthday party. Outside of that, I’m really unsure how long I’ll stay. I need to start getting things prepared for fall. I need to get Ellery into a dance class and start finding some opportunities for Axel to make friends. The little guy needs more social interaction than Ellie, Ava, Savy, Tony, Jeremy and I.”

“He’s just getting so big so fast.” I was happy to see that his grandmother’s face showed love when talking about him. “He looks so much like Michael.”

“He does. He’s got a lot of his personality too. It makes me happy to have a miniature version of each of them around the house. Ellie and I sing musicals every morning while we get ready. Axel is already showing interest in drums. Tony has been playing them and Axel just sits there staring wide-eyed at him as he plays.”

“You and Sam with your musical mornings were the absolute worst,” Alex said laughing. “How does Ellery already know the words to them?”

“We listen to musicals instead of Kidz Bop.” It was sort of a ‘duh’ response but honestly, what did Alex expect the answer to be? Sam and Ellery had listened to musicals every day. She’d been able to sing the lyrics to Disney songs before she was actually able to form complete sentences on her own. “Her favorites are Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, and Rock of Ages. I mean we still listen to Disney soundtracks too. Let me tell you about how I know all of the words to every Descendants song. She picks up the lyrics to everything so quickly. We sing all day every day. It was something she loved doing with Sam so we still sing.”

“I’m so happy you’re keeping music in her life the way that Samantha and Michael always had. It’s a unique way for her to channel her emotions. It had always been such an important part of who Sam was.” Jane smiled at the memory and it tugged a little bit at my heart. “I remember her writing her first song when she wasn’t that much older than Ellery. It was absolutely terrible but as a mother, it was also the best song I’d ever heard. I can’t wait for Ellie to start writing her own music.”

“She’s getting close. I hear her singing to nonsense to the cats most days. She has completely choreographed dances to the entire Greatest Showman soundtrack. She’s possibly going to grow up to be an actress with her stage presence.”

“We can only hope that doesn’t happen,” Alex said. I rolled my eyes and this time it wasn’t all that hidden.

“Whatever she does when she grows up I’m going to be proud of her. Singer, sales manager, actress or activist whatever that little girl puts her mind to she’s going to do perfectly.” I stood up. “I need to go check with the caterer to see how soon it is for dinner. Excuse me.” I walked to where Frankie was talking to the catering chef.

“I am fucking miserable,” I mumbled. “Why did I agree to this?”

“You love Sam and Michael and you wanted to do this to honor them. It’s gonna be okay. Dinner will be served in about 20 minutes, they suggested we all get seated,” my sister answered.

“Oh thank fucking god. I also need another drink.”

“I have selected a wine for dinner that I can have served as soon as everyone is seated,” the chef said.

“Perfect.” I grabbed a fork from the table that was right beside them and taped it against the glass. “Hello everyone. First I want to say thank you to everyone for joining the kids and I tonight to celebrate as a family the life of Sam and Michael. Tomorrow will, of course, be filled with friends but tonight it was important to me that it just be the family.” Ellie came up to me and I reached down to pick her up and hold her. I felt my dress hike up weirdly and knew that somewhere Alex was huffing about how terrible my behavior was. “The chef has let me know that we are about 20 minutes away from dinner being ready and asked that we start getting seated. Ellie Belle, did you want to say anything first?” We’d practiced this yesterday and again today.

“My Mommy and Daddy were so lucky to have all of you in their lives and…” She paused clearly forgetting what was next. I whispered into her ear. “My baby brother and I are lucky to have all of you too. Thank you for coming tonight. Enjoy!” Everyone clapped as I kissed Ellery’s cheek.

“You did perfect baby girl.”

“Do I get to sit with Ava?”

“You do. There’s a little table set up for you, your cousins, the twins and Ava. Are you okay with that?” I asked. “You can sit with me if you’d rather.”

“No, I want to sit with my friends.” I hated the idea of the kids all having to sit together and away from the adults but it made the most sense. The table was set up right beside our main table and within reach of me, Savannah, and Frankie. I put her down and she ran to take her seat with her friends.

“She did so great,” Jeremy whispered in my cheek before kissing it softly. “Your practice run yesterday and today was totally worth it.”

“Tomorrow’s will be easier. She and Tony have practiced a song that they are going to do so she doesn’t really have to talk.”

“That will be fun. You ready to sit down?” I nodded. Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the middle of the table where we were seated. I had Frankie on my other side and was directly across the table from Alex. Jeremy pulled out my chair and helped me sit down before taking his seat. The waiters came around pouring wine for everyone and leaving the bottles in ice buckets. “Alex, Savannah tells me that you just finished publishing your 6th book. Congratulations.” He was so cute for trying so hard.

“Thank you. It was a labor of love. I’m working on the next edition of a textbook I’ve written and should have it finished up in the next few weeks so it hits bookstores in time for fall classes.” Like every good professor, Alex wrote the textbooks she required her students to use so she made money off of them beyond being their teacher.

“That’s great. I stole one of your books off of Charlie’s bookshelf and started reading it last night.”

“Which one?” Alex and I both asked.

“I don’t remember the title. It was about how marriage, divorce and gender norms are portrayed in modern literature. It seemed pretty interesting. Having been divorced and the amount of reading I do for my job it was insightful. Something of the things I wish I’d realized before I got married.” I laughed, Jeremy made light about his divorce a lot. It was like me and my self-deprecating sense of humor. I think it’s part of why we got along so quickly, our humor is similar.

“Interesting that you’d pick that off of her shelf. Charlie has quite the collection of books.”

“I thought it might be nice to read one of your books before you got here. Charlie and Savy have both talked about your writing before so I was intrigued.”

“So Jeremy, I’m sure that Tony and Ryan have both asked but can you tell me anything about the next Avengers movie?” Max asked. I laughed as he betrayed his wife and fell victim to the same thing every other man ranging in age from 5 to 95 did when meeting a superhero. He’d attended a midnight showing or two with a group of us over the years.

“I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell happens in it. They didn’t give anyone a full script for any of the movies after the first one. Mark tends to blow the secrets so they don’t let us see a full script. We get copies of our lines for the day and have about an hour to memorize them. I wasn’t even 100% sure I wasn’t in Infinity War until it came out.” I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m sure that gets annoying.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I get it. I grew up loving Spider-Man so I understand.” It was a canned response but I appreciated that he wasn’t trying to make Max feel like an idiot.

“He also has put up with both of my brothers,” I said. “Can you imagine Tony and Ryan around this guy? Every single theory and question possible has been asked. There’s nothing that they haven’t already tried.”

“She’s right,” Tony added as he sat down next to Jeremy. “He’s tolerated us well.” Jeremy squeezed my brother’s shoulder.

“I don’t put up with you, kid. It’s more that I put up with your sister. She’s a handful.” My mouth dropped open and I punched him in the arm. “Ow.”

“She is a handful. I forgot what living with her was like.”

“You’re an ass sometimes,” I said quietly hoping the table filled with kids behind us didn’t hear me.

“You like my ass.” I rolled my eyes.

“See what I have to put up with. These two tag team me. The last couple of days have been worse. Jeremy and Ryan have bonded.”

“Yes, yes we have,” Ryan added from his seat beside my sister. He and Jeremy high-fived over our heads. “He’s pretty cool and is pretty good at putting up with Charlie.”

“I hate you too, Ryan.”

“You’re getting tag teamed by all of them,” Alex said. She smiled and it looked like her real smile. Was she going to crack and be okay? I wasn’t going to hold my breath but I was hopeful. Eventually, everyone was seated and the chef signaled that he was ready to bring out the food. I moved my chair back and stood up.

“I want to first thank all of you for coming. This weekend is something I struggled with. I didn’t know how to approach it. It’s a hard weekend but today is also a celebratory day. Eight years ago tonight all of us gathered together to celebrate Samantha and Michael’s wedding. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. Seeing my best friend so immensely happy and marrying the man of her dreams was as much a dream come true for me as it was for her. She deserved all the happiness the world had to offer. I saw her that happy a year ago too.” I felt the tears sting my eyes and my throat close up. Jeremy grabbed my hand, squeezing it. I glanced down at him to see him say ‘you’re okay’ and I took a deep breath. “Sam and Mikey dropped the kids off to me as they went out to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss. They looked so happy. Having that image in my mind is what has gotten me through the last year, along with the support of all of you. The kids and I have come out of this year stronger than any of us could’ve imagined. It’s because of all of you. Tomorrow is an anniversary that I will dread for the rest of my life but today is the anniversary of one of the best days of my life. So tonight we celebrate the incredible, beautiful, and loving relationship that Sam and Michael had. We celebrate the two amazing children that relationship produced and we celebrate the family that has been created because of the love Sam and Michael shared. To Sam and Michael,” I said as I raised the glass of wine I had.

“To Sam and Michael,” the voices at the table responded. I took a drink of my wine before sitting back down.

“You did great, sis.” Frankie leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“You really did,” Jeremy said.

“Thank you.” I glanced back at the table of children all happily coloring the coloring sheets that Ellie had insisted I get for all of them. They were copies of the coloring sheets that Sam had made for the wedding. It made me happy to see all of the kids coloring all over them. Dinner went nicely. The conversation flowed well and was polite. There were a few fun stories shared about the wedding, Sam and Michael, the kids, and our fondest memories. It was, in general, a really happy and cheerful occasion which is what I’d hoped it would be. We said our goodbyes to Sam’s family as they were headed back to Reno.

Once they were gone the night started to quiet down. All of the kids were put in bed despite their continual protests. Seeing all four of the girls crowded into Ellie’s room made my heart feel so full I thought it might burst. All of the adults ended up in the kitchen and living room with the remaining wine from dinner.

“So are you going to apologize to each other?” Frankie asked Alex and I.

“I mean I’m sorry I yelled. But I’m not totally sorry about what I said. I’ve always felt like you judged me and thought like I was less than you. You’re the only person who has ever questioned my career choice and whether it was conducive to raising a family. Honestly, sometimes the things you say to me are so horrible and it’s like you don’t care that you hurt people with your words,” I said.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I also know that sometimes you can be extra bitchy when you’re stressed and clearly you’re stressed.” Of course, Alex’s apology was the world’s most common apology. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ nowhere does she take ownership for how she makes others feel.

“Ya think? I have a house full of people and generally speaking, I hate people.” Both Alex and Frankie laughed. “I knew there would be a million questions about what is going on in my life right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Jeremy?”

“Your exact response to him when you met him. You judge everyone in his profession because of one person. That’s not fair.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t like being called on this, ever. “I hadn’t honestly told anyone in my family about it. Okay, that’s a lie. Stevie knows about him. She can tell by the tone of my voice if I’ve met someone. It’s her 6th sense, discovering romance.”

“He seems nice, but I just worry.”

“You worry for no reason. First of all, we’ve been on one date. One date that ended in my kitchen with my entire family. He didn’t run for the hills at that, which most sane men would. And for some reason, he didn’t bolt from the house witnessing me turn into a complete psycho bitch on you earlier. So he either kinda likes me or is completely crazy.”

“I’m a little of both,” Jeremy said as he approached the three of us, he wrapped his arms around my waist kissing just below my ear. With the kids in bed and the amount of wine we’d both had tonight, we were a little more touchy than we had been at dinner. “Alex, I have no intention of hurting her. She’s an incredible woman who frankly I’m surprised I got to agree to go on a date with me.”

“You almost didn’t.” I laughed as I spoke causing everyone else to laugh.

“She blew him off for like two weeks Mom. He’s been persistent in convincing her that not only is she allowed to have a life but he’d like to be part of it.”

“I promise, I’m not neglecting the kids. I’m not making your child raise my kids.” Her face contorted at ‘my kids’ and I knew she didn’t like the way I phrased it. They weren’t my kids, but they were mine.

“You should’ve been honest with me, even if you thought I’d be mad.”

“Yeah, because walking into one of your lectures is my favorite pastime. I know better. There wasn’t anything to tell you then. There is now. So I’ve told you. Jeremy isn’t likely going anywhere. Ava and Ellie love each other and it makes me happier than I could imagine to see her that happy. Added bonus her Dad happens to be mildly attractive and single.”

“Mildly attractive?” Jeremy asked as he leaned back from me, a look of shock on his face.

“I don’t need to enlarge your ego. I have to share a bed with it tonight.” This made the other people in the kitchen laugh. He laughed at me before giving me a kiss. It felt comfortable to be with him even if it was in front of my family and friends. He fit into this group of people perfectly and watching him expertly navigate all of them today had made me fall a little bit more for him.

“Mmmmm bed.” At the mention of the word I yawned. “We should go to bed. You tossed and turned last night.”

“He stayed here last night?” Alex asked her voice again dripping with judgment.

“He did. I’ve been having nightmares where I am in their house, blood, and bullets everywhere and then I’m in the morgue staring at Sam’s cold, dead body. I typically wake up screaming. He thought that staying here might be nice so that I wasn’t alone.” Alex’s body sank.

“I didn’t realize you were still having nightmares,” she replied.

“Yup.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “Let’s go to bed.” I was done with this day. I didn’t want to deal with Alex anymore. I wanted my quiet bedroom. My warm, comfy bed. Jeremy’s body lying next to mine. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to sleep.

“Get some rest, sis,” Frankie said. We hugged before Jeremy and I said the rest of our goodnights and headed up to bed. We were quiet while we changed into pajamas and I went through my nightly routine. I walked into my bedroom and climbed into bed next to Jeremy. He’d gotten in bed and turned the tv on. I said nothing I just curled into his body and laid my head on his chest, which had no shirt covering it tonight.

“I am sorry today was such a shit show.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. I get it. I’m honestly proud of you. You could’ve maybe handled it differently but being honest is something you needed to do.”

“I didn’t need to be a bitch but I don’t know that I’d have been capable of not being a bitch.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure things will be okay in the morning.” He ran his fingers through my hair. I started to relax and get tired.

“Thank you for being here today and staying here tonight. It means a lot. Like more than I can really explain.” I moved so I could look him in the eyes, my chin resting on his chest. He bent down to kiss me.

“Nowhere else in the world I’d rather be, Charlie.”

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PHEW! That was a lot. I know it was heavy and emotional and just...a lot. Charlie had CLEARLY been holding in some feelings about Alex for a really, really long time and just sort of word vomited them. Could she have handled it better? Of course. But I probably would’ve done the same thing. When you break a person it’s hard to get them to stop. There’s hope that things will be okay, but it will obviously take work from both of them that they may not be ready for. There’s a lot of baggage there to work through. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like Alex, but I have and let me tell you, they are hard friendships to maintain. Most of the people like that in my life are gone. It was healthier for me to let the friendship go.

Charlie’s family is basically my favorite thing. They are loud and crazy and fun and giving her shots before a dinner party. She’s lucky to have them and she knows it. Having all of them with her as she’s going through this weekend is good for her. Whether it’s her sister taking care of the party, her step-mom helping with the kids or Ryan there for comic relief everyone knows their job and fulfills it perfectly.

And Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy. He is like the sprinkles on a donut, the cherry on a sundae, or the star on the top of a Christmas tree. He’s the perfect addition to the circle of people she’s built around her. He can read her. He wants to be there for her. No judgment, no prerequisites, nothing. He just wants to be there because he cares deeply about her. And she cares about him. Their relationship is developing beautifully into something that will have a significant impact on them. For Charlie to be willing to let someone in is a huge thing. For Jeremy to be willing to take on the challenge that Charlie’s life and circumstances bring is a huge thing. They each come with their own baggage and they are allowing each other to unpack it in a way that isn’t forced or uncomfortable. Writing their relationship as it develops makes me really happy and I truly enjoy doing it. So you reading this and enjoying it is the icing on the cake for me.

Now the hard part. The email. I didn’t know how to fully convey what happened the year prior. I felt that Charlie’s emails to Sam were the best way to do that. She feels like she’s still able to be her most authentic self in those emails, the way she was with Sam when she was alive. Telling her truth and the way that the weekend haunts her was a huge part of healing and grieving. Telling it to Sam was the biggest part for Charlie. She’d never in those emails been honest about what happened. She sent happy snippets of life and the kids. Sure she has told her she’s sad and she misses her but to explain every detail of that weekend and what she went through was a moment she needed to get to. She needed to feel okay writing the words down, it might help her get through the nightmares a little easier.

I hope you’ve loved this chapter. It was a labor of love to write. I cried writing the email. I read it aloud to my Mom (who is probably my biggest fan - I am so lucky) and I sobbed. I openly wept. Not because I think I’m some phenomenal writer. But because Charlie lives inside me. She’s in my mind, in my heart. I become friends with my characters as I develop them and Charlie is someone I want to protect and keep safe. I want to take her pain away and telling that story was hard for her and for me. I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter. It would mean the world to me. My hope is that I can get started on the next chapter soon but playing catch up from being sick for 3.5 weeks with work has been challenging. Tonight I gave myself some time off to finish this because it was important to me.

Thank you for everything.

xx. Annie

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witchspiritualwhatami · 5 years

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Valentine’s Day:

Signs of Truth (for me)

It’s weird, but Valentine’s Day has become a day that if I was in a relationship and it was doing poorly, if it wasn’t healthy for me, I would often get sick during Valentine’s Day. The week of, the day before or the day of, I would end up sick.

Seems sketchy when I have said that and not consistent. But there’s a pattern and it depends on the degree of how horrible things are going. It’s happened with three different guys.

Understand I never got incredibly ill till I was 16 and it often happened around Valentine’s Day, but keeping track, it’s when the relationship was going bad.

💔 Boyfriend A- he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, had anger issues, and sexually molested? Assuaged me (I say this and not rape, because clothes never came off, and he never went underneath underwear that I can recall but I still felt violated often and dirty).

The morning of Valentine’s Day while still dating him, I got the flu for the first time in my life. It was the stomach flu, had to go to the hospital I was doing so bad for I couldn’t stop throwing up and keep anything down. It was horrible.

Asshole only got me a card and it was half assets to where he just signed his name in it. In anger I kept the chocolate I originally got for him and ate it myself. Broke up with him months later in July.

Yes, I know too long, but hey, that’s how emotional abuse and manipulation works.

💔Boyfriend B- we had dated before Boyfriend A, but Valentine’s Day had been good for things were going good. He broke me heart in the fall of our first time together

We got back together and our first Valentine’s day, things were going well. I wasn’t sick.

By the next Valentine’s Day were had been struggling. He was being a piece of shit. We Both in college and there was drama involving my ex. Boyfriend A (he was talking to my ex about me and him{ boyfriend b}. To get into it more would be something I rather not do.

I got a sinus infection that Valentine’s Day.

A month later, a week after spring break, when I just went back home and spent time with him, I got back to college and within a week of being back at college, he broke with me over the phone. Despite I was just there last week.

This was the second time he broke my heart. (Yes, I know, why go after him again, but hey I thought ‘people change and I did still care for him).’ After that, I was fucking angry at him and a tiny bit at myself.

More so angry at him, for he took my second chance and blew it.

💔Boyfriend C- Ah, this is a fucking saga in itself. I was with him a long time. A long time. Longer than the average length that people are married in the United States (7-8 years is what I keep finding).

So for many years despite struggles things were going well. Than I became chronically ill after I got an illness that would forever change my life. Now, I separate that and don’t use it as a sign because it didn’t happen around Valentine’s Day, it didn’t start as far as I am aware.

Months earlier my exes mental state was growing concerning. I always had wanted him to go to therapy, but he would always put it off. He had a drinking problem and had gotten better, but he was getting worse again. To where even in my state of illness I would have to take care of him when super drunk despite being so ill myself some days I could bathe or feed myself.

Like I would find him drunk on the bathroom floor and passed out.

He also had anger issues and other undiagnosed mental illness he wouldn’t get help for that was growing worse. I knew he had depression and possibly paranoia, but his other behavior was scary and it had grown increasingly worse since I became sick.

I began to find tactics to help him calm down, out of fear he would hurt me. He had punched a wall in the past and would later in 2016 (long after Valentine’s Day) crack my headboard as he hit his head against in anger over something stupid.

Take note, this is now on top of chronic illness I dealt with.

❣️February 2016- the week of, I got the flu. It was bad and I felt miserable the whole time.

❣️February 2017- I was sick with a sinus infection starting the day before I believe.

(That year with being at home all the time because of chronic illness, I had a lot of time. I began to question the fact I had always wanted to kiss Lucy Lui starting at ten and thought her freckles were. The same when Natalie Dormer after I saw her in the tudors years later.

However with being bullied by girls so often more than I had by guys prior I grew to fear them, especially if pretty girls. I did find myself liking one girl and wishing to be her at the same time cause she was so pretty and smart while in high school, but I quickly glossed over that, than with growing up in a conservative household; my ignorance on lgbt issues, and how my mom also had a distrust of girls for she faces a lot of bullying growing up as well. Both of us were quiet awkward people.

This confusion was[ is] bound to be a thing....

I think the fact I had become so nervous of either gender thanks to my awful dating history and dealing with girls bullying me a lot when younger... I realized I may be bisexual. I know that’s very odd and long winded summary, but to put every detail down would just give me away.

Apparently there is a thing that you are so far in the closet, you don’t realize it? Yeah, that was/is me.)

❣️February 2018- I was sick for most of the month. I first got a sinus infection, then dealt with the flu and then developed bronchitis. That was a fun month.

(That ear I really began to confront internally the Catholic Church I grew up in and always struggled to accept in my heart since I was 12.)

❣️February 2019- got a sinus infection that week.

Broke up with his ass in July of 2019. He stated that he supposedly fell out of love with me, but still loves me. (Aka, I love you, but not in love).

Since I read other couples can face this during times of struggle and I was dealing with issues with him, I asked if he was willing to try to help make things work and fix things. He was indecisive like usual, I had enough and broke up with him.

He moved out in December and I could see the regret on his face as he was leaving, not out of what he had done or how it ended, but he realized we were no longer going to be a thing. I felt no sympathy.

Was painful when he moved out, but I was also relieved.

💖 💖💖February 2020💖💖💖

I’m single this year. For the first time in a very long time. I have so far not been sick this month save for usual chronic illness. It’s been really nice.

I got some things for myself prior to this day to enjoy. I’m going to see an opera tonight with my mom. She and dad never do anything on Valentine’s Day for they hate crowds, but I asked if we could spend time together since I knew otherwise it would be a difficult day for me. We are seeing Romeo and Juliet.

I still don’t feel like I have my shit together, but I am happier than I have been in a long time.

With being bisexual (I still feel weird saying that. I live with my parents because of my chronic illness and I haven’t come out yet. Although becaus I haven’t dated a girl before, [although I have kissed one and yes, I liked it....] I don’t know if it’s normal for it to not feel real.)

With being torn between agnostic and deists in my beliefs, I’m still trying to figure things out.

Either way, whatever I am, I’m okay. I can now work on myself, figure out myself, and begin love myself. Whatever I am.

This Valentine’s Day, I hope whoever reads this, doesn’t forget to love themselves. I’m working on trying to do this. Not let the abusive negative talk overwhelm me and rule my mind. Years of bad dating and relationships have contributed to my mental illness I already had since eleven years old.

After I broke up with my ex, I said- “No Dating.” Unlike others I have known and know that keep jumping from relationship to relationship like they are frogs in a lily pond fearing they will drown.

It has confused one friend who suggested within a month I create a dating profile. She recently suggested it within the past month and I said again, “I want to heal and take care of myself first. Love myself. I don’t need anyone to be happy.”

No, I’m going to learn to love and care for myself first. Even if I’m single forever, I rather be that than be with a piece of shit or someone who doesn’t deserve me ever again. I may not be the best of the best, not gorgeous like a Hollywood celebrity, not a genius, not wealthy, but I’m human and I still deserve to be treated with respect.

You can’t have a loving relationship, if there is no respect. Not just from your partner, but from yourself.

Whether in a relationship, dating, or single, I hope you remember you deserve love and respect. You deserve it and fuck anyone that says otherwise.

Take care.

Happy Valentine’s Day

#valentines day #love #self love #signs #tw: assault #tw: abuse #coming out #?

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ohmytheon · 7 years

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arya x gendry and impending parenthood worries pls

“Oh my god, your brothers are going to murder me.”

For a brief moment, Arya thought that Gendry was being a little melodramatic, but then she thought of what Robb and Jon had done after they’d found out that Sansa’s ex-boyfriend had hit her and… Okay, maybe he had a fair point. Her big brothers are a tad overprotective.

It wasn’t a bad thing – Arya herself had slashed the tires of the boy’s Ferrari out of spite – but things were a little different when it came to her. They knew that she could take care of herself just fine. No boy was ever going to treat her badly or there would be a reckoning before her brothers even knew what happened. They let her handle most of her problems on her own, only stepping in or offering advice if she asked. Jon was especially good at that, not being as nosy as Robb, which was why she often went to her half brother for everything.

This though was something entirely different and she didn’t really know what to expect, much less know how they would react. It wasn’t like Gendry had hurt her or anything – in fact, it was quite the opposite – but things were definitely going to be awkward. Super awkward. Now that she was thinking about her brothers, her mind drifted to the rest of her family and horror finally began to set in. What were her parents going to say?

In front of her, Gendry paced the small living room back and forth. His apartment wasn’t much to speak of, but it was a step up from the studio he’d lived in when they had first met. First of all, he had actual, separate rooms with doors. Still, she knew that it made him uncomfortable sometimes considering the size of the house that she had grown up in. The first time he’d met her parents for dinner at their home, his eyes had gone so wide that she’d laughed. He hadn’t thought it was very funny; he had looked like he was ready to bolt and kept tugging on his clothes the entire night.

However, unlike then, Arya didn’t really know what to do to soothe him now. She felt equally helpless. All she could do was sit on the couch and watch him, feeling both numb and flabbergasted at the same time. No one would ever accuse her of being quiet, but for once in her life, she was speechless and didn’t know what to say at all. She’d never expected to be in a situation like this before. Everyone had so many ideas about where they would be in their life when something like this happened and this was…not it.

To be honest, she’d never given it much thought before, which left her feeling even more adrift.

Finally, after running his fingers through his hair for what had to have been the twentieth time, Gendry paused and turned to face her. His face was pink. Of course he would be blushing now. “I, ah, I thought you were on…”

“I was!” Arya exclaimed indignantly. “I am! I don’t know how–” And then, after hours of wondering and flailing in confusion, it hit her. It hadn’t even occurred to her before. Her face slowly began to match his, just as pink. “Remember when I had a sinus infection?”

“Yeah,” Gendry replied slowly. “You were miserable. Kept saying you were dying. I spoon-fed you the spicy chicken noodle soup from the Thai restaurant down the street from your place.”

Arya didn’t think she had been that bad, but then, she couldn’t really remember. She’d been on a lot of medication and she was kind of a brat whenever she got sick. It was the only time she would ever let her mother fuss over her when she was a child. “Well, I was taking antibiotics and sometimes those can…mess with it – you know, make it ineffective.”

“Oh.”

Silence fell over them. Arya continued to watch Gendry as he looked away from her. For some reason, now that he was still, she was beginning to feel even antsier than when he was pacing the room. She wished that he’d say something – do something – anything, but he just stood there, lost in thought.

When he finally came to, he took a deep breath and sat down next to her, taking her hands in his. They were so large compared to her tiny ones. She loved his hands though, so rough and calloused and always seemingly dirty from his work at the mechanic shop no matter what he did to clean them. “So what do you want to do?”

“I…” Arya felt her throat close up and she looked down at his hands, unable to handle the bright blueness of his eyes. “I don’t know. I mean, I wasn’t expecting this and I wasn’t planning on this happening any time soon, but–” She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

She peeked up at him, but he wasn’t looking at her anymore. There was a strained expression on his face. It was the one he got whenever he was thinking really hard or stressed out, which he was most definitely doing both of right now. But then, without warning, the strained expression faded away and was replaced by something she didn’t expect: shame and fear.

“I’m with you in whatever you decide. You know that, right? I will back you up.” Gendry pulled one hand away from hers so that he could rub his face tiredly. “I know I’m not…” He sighed. “Look, Arya, I know I’m not the best catch, okay? I’ve got a good job, but there are times when I feel like I’m barely making ends meet and I can’t always give you what you deserve. I’ve never been to college. I live in a dumpy apartment and my car only runs because I can fix it myself. I would completely understand if you didn’t…”

Arya jerked her other hand out of his grip, causing him to look up, and glared at him heatedly. “This isn’t about you or what kind of ‘catch’ you are. I wouldn’t be with you – I wouldn’t even be in this position with you – if I didn’t, you know, love you.” She was not one for flowery speeches or talking about her emotions, but hell, sometimes they needed to be said in order to get them through his thick skull. “I’m with you, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but it’s one thing to date someone, Arya,” Gendry told her, “but it’s quite another to have a kid with them.” His tone was neither cruel or hurt; it just…was. Matter-of-fact, like that was the way life worked. “I would know. My father didn’t stick around for longer than a week after he found out my mother was pregnant.”

“Are you planning to leave?” Arya questioned.

“No, of course not!” Gendry protested.

“Then what are you getting at?” Arya folded her arms across her chest and folded in on herself, like she was protecting herself from something. “Am I…?” She bit her lip, the fear suddenly very real for her now that she was thinking about it. She’d never been afraid as far as Gendry was concerned before. He was always so consistent and there for her, even when they’d just been friends. “Do you not want to have a kid with me?”

“Arya,” Gendry sighed in such a soft voice that she couldn’t help but lean forward so that she could bury her face in his chest. How did he manage to get her like this so easily when everyone else struggled with her? “I would do anything for you. I would do anything with you. I can’t imagine it being someone else. I just… I don’t know. I’d hoped I could offer you more before then and that it wouldn’t be at such a bad time for you.”

Of course he was thinking of her with such little regard to himself. She was only nineteen and a sophomore in college with a part-time job. Right now, pregnancy was the last thing that she needed added to her plate. She was living in a two bedroom apartment with her childhood friend Mycah out of stubbornness since she wanted to prove that she could take care of herself. But adding a child to the mix would change everything.

“I feel like I threw a wrench in your life plans,” Gendry mumbled.

She knocked him in the chest with a fist. “You didn’t get me pregnant on your own, you know. If I recall, I kind of threw myself at you the second I was feeling better.”

When Gendry pressed his face into the top of her head, she could feel him smiling. “You were very insistent.” He took a breath and they both pulled away slightly so that they could look at one another. “So what do we do?”

“I don’t know,” Arya repeated, feeling helpless again. “But whatever it is, we’ll do it together, right?”

“I’m not going to leave you,” Gendry told her firmly. “Whatever it takes – whatever you need – I’ll do it. I’ll get a second job or one that pays better, even if it’s shit. I’ll save up. I’ll go to every doctor’s appointment with you, even if–” A determined look came over him. “I’m not going to be like my dad. I’ll be there with you every step of the way. I’ll be better. I swear.”

“You’re an idiot if you don’t think you already are,” Arya said. It definitely wasn’t the sweetest thing in the world to say, but it made him smile.

She knew that he meant every word though. The first thing she’d ever figured out about him years ago when they first met, back when she was twelve and he was fifteen, was that he was hard-working. She’d never known someone his age to already have a job. The kids she went to school with got their first car before they got their first job. Gendry though was different. He fought for every scrap that he owned and for everything in his life. She could understand that. And she knew that he would do the same now.

For the first time in days, Arya felt at ease and like she could breathe again.

#gendrya #arya x gendry #arya stark #gendry #asioaf #got #gendry waters #a song of ice and fire #game of thrones #modern au #unplanned pregnancy #asioaf fanfiction #got fanfiction #the things of songs

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crazedlunatic · 7 years

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Moving Out

Blaine looked up from his computer, seeing Nick standing just outside of his ‘home office’ and shuffling his feet anxiously.

“Nicky? You okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” Nick walked in. “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey. I didn’t know you made it home. Did you have fun at Cody’s senior show tonight?” Blaine smiled.

“Yeah, it was awesome. He had a lot of great stuff… everyone did. But people really liked his stuff.” Nick nodded, plopping down in one of the extra chairs in front of Blaine’s desk.

“Everything okay?” Blaine tilted his head a bit.

“It… It is, I just…” Nick sighed a bit, looking like he was trying to talk himself into or out of something. “Dad, when can I end the guardianship? I mean not for now, but uhm…”

“Nick, we can give your rights back whenever you think you’re ready but I’m not convinced you are.” Blaine watched Nick’s reaction carefully. “What’s really going on?”

“I know it’s only the end of April but… in August Cody’s lease on his apartment is up. You guys saw the building last winter when we had the bad storm and we brought him to our place for Christmas since the power was out. It’s a shit hole. They don’t take care of it, stuff is always going on with the place and it takes days for them to even answer emergency calls.” Nick babbled. “I haven’t talked to Cody or anything because this seems like it’s coming out of nowhere—I know it does; you don’t need to tell me— but I want to get a place with him. We’ve known each other less than a year and I know it sounds crazy but I just, I don’t know, know, you know?”

“Despite how much my English degree is crying, I do know what you mean.” Blaine smiled a bit. He remembered the first time realizing one day he wanted to live with Kurt. How the idea had sounded so strange at first but how the more he thought about it, the more he realized that nothing had ever made more sense.

“When I stay the night, I don’t want to leave.” Nick sighed a bit. “This last year so much has changed but ever since I met him… I never want to be away from him. It’s like I’ve been looking for him all along. It’s like moments without him…”

“Are meaningless?” Blaine questioned.

“Yeah.” Nick’s voice was softer than it usually was. He swallowed.

“Nicky… I know how you’re feeling. I’m not telling you not to do it… I’m just telling you there is a substantial difference than living in a dorm room and in your own place with your partner. There’s more pressure, there’s not really any moment to yourself unless you’re using the bathroom. Everything’s out there, everyone’s flaws come out, you’ll argue over cleaning out the fridge and letting out the dog in the rain. Stuff breaks, you spend so much more money on things…”Blaine trailed off.

“Are you trying to tell me I shouldn’t move out with Cody?” Nick asked, looking sad.

“I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is that since UCLA… your whole life has been planned to the t. Therapy for your feelings, nutritionist for your evolving diet, visits with David to make sure your body is adjusting okay, going to the gym and trying to stay healthy, lists you have to stick to, responsibilities that all together are making you how you are now. As stress free as Kurt and I can make your life until… until we know that you’re not going to relapse. Moving on your own is stress. Moving out with someone else… that’s a whole different ballpark. Sleepovers with Cody and living with Cody would be two completely different things. And you’ll have to come up with a whole new routine… not to mention you’re wanting to go back to school part time this fall which is going to be even more stressful.” Blaine took a deep breath.

“I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I don’t want to do something that’s going to cause me to relapse… I don’t want to put that stress on anyone else again because it turned everything upside down.” Nick chewed on his lip. “Everything is still upside down actually…”

“You’ve worked so hard to get where you are today. I couldn’t be prouder.” Blaine smiled.

“I think we’re meant to be. I can’t imagine life without him. He’s going to school for a graduate program too and I’m afraid we’ll fall apart…”

“He looks at you like you hung the moon. You two won’t fall apart.”

Nick blushed a bit.

“You know what the right decision is in your heart… and if you don’t know yet, you will. If you decide to move out with him we can cancel the guardianship or we can keep it and you can still move out. Kurt and I don’t want you to feel like you’re in a prison. We just want to make sure you take care of yourself physically and emotionally… It can take up to a month to cancel it… but we might be able to speed that process up, too.”

“Am I insane?”

“I moved in with your father and now I’ve got four kids between the ages of seven and twenty. You tell me who is crazy in this room.” Blaine gave Nick a big smile.

“I think I want to talk about it all with Cody and see what he thinks.” Nick stood.

“That would be a good idea… and don’t forget that Cody does camp and that he goes to Georgia for the summer… I mean, if you guys did move in do you feel comfortable enough where you are to stick to your routine? To eat three meals, four snacks, not portion stuff out, not overwork at the gym? I know you don’t want to think about still struggling in a year but… but it’s possible that you could be. It takes a long time to recover from an eating disorder. And the depression and anxiety… I don’t mean to bring up this stuff and make you doubt your capabilities. I just think you need to think of how it will affect recovery. I will feel comfortable with you moving out if you have gone over every possibility in your head.”

Nick chewed on his lip.

“But understand that I said I would feel comfortable with you moving out… because it’s your decision. Kurt and I won’t keep you from doing it and, like I said… we’ll get the guardianship cancelled as soon as you want it cancelled. You’re an adult and we both trust you to make the best decision for you… We also trust Cody to take care of you.”

“He takes care of me now. When I’m with him he makes sure I have all my meals and all of my snacks, he doesn’t let me overexert myself or anything like that.”

“I know.” Blaine smiled and went to hug him. “Cody’s your person.”

Nick hugged Blaine back tightly, smiling when Blaine kissed the top of his head.

“We love you so much and we’re so happy you found someone that treats you right, takes care of you, and loves you the way you’ve always deserved to be loved. Because you’re an amazing person, Nick, and you only deserve the best. You’re so very special.”

Nick tightened his hug. “Thank you for always being supportive no matter what I want… and thank you for trying to help me at home before sending me away to the anorexia center… I know I was so mad and I said some horrible things but… I know it was a last resort and you tried so hard to keep from doing it. And I know Daddy threatened to divorce you if you wouldn’t let him take me and… and I’m sorry to have put you in that position. But it meant so much when you tried to do what I wanted instead of just shipping me off.”

“I’ll always do everything in my power to make you feel safe, comfortable, and happy.” Blaine pulled back. “And Kurt was never really going to divorce me. Sometimes when I’m worked up he has to get my attention.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “You do have a temper sometimes.”

“I’ve heard.” Blaine hugged him again when Cody walked up hesitantly. “Hey, Cody. Feeling better? I heard you had a sinus infection the last few days.”

“Yes, sir.” Cody smiled, stepping in. “Hey, Nicky.”

Nick smiled. “I’ll see you later, Dad.”

“Yep. Text if you’re going to stay over, alright?” Blaine smiled.

“I’ll make sure he does.” Cody promised.

“I’ve got something possibly exciting to talk about tonight.” Nick said as he led Cody’s out of his office. “You might think it’s crazy but I want you to promise you’ll listen to the whole thing before you form an opinion.”

“Every third thing out of your mouth in crazy, Nick.” Blaine heard Cody say before the front door opened and closed.

You’re going to cry when I tell you about the conversation I just had with our son, Blaine texted Kurt who was still at work.

Did he propose?

Other son, Blaine typed back.

Did he bite that bratty girl again?

Other other son.

Yeah, I know he wants to move in with Cody. I heard him talking about it with Zach last week.

You never tell me anything anymore.

#wbuct #wbuct drabble #wbuct prompt

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eds-zebra-warrior · 3 years

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2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 18 Prompt: Words to Parents)

I am interpreting this prompt in two different ways so will address it as such starting with explaining how my parents are with my condition and then words to parents of kids newly diagnosed or who present with a wide array of symptoms.

My parents were awesome prior to my diagnosis. There were things I wish they had known and even now wish they knew but I almost always had that support system some don't have. Sure there were a lot of times I would tell my mom I was having chest pain or my heart was pounding where she would say “It's probably just anxiety” and of course when anyone has a headache, runny nose, stuffy nose, scratchy throat or generally coming down with some kind of bug her notorious saying was “It’s probably just your sinuses” which me and my dad still talk about to this day. She went decades of her life taking Sudafed every morning truly believing she just had bad sinuses to find out years later she was actually having an allergic reaction the entire time due to Systemic Mastocitosis and really needed allergy meds and since she had bad sinus issues she seemed to think anything and almost everything that someone was experiencing from the lungs lungs up, weather it be a migraine, eye pain, sore throat, coughing, going horse, runny nose, bloody nose etc. it was just your sinuses which usually wasn't the case because soon after I would test positive for strep throat, oh the times I had strep throat. I had it so often that when I got it, I started not even noticing the throat pain believing my mom that it was my sinuses but more major like a sinus infection, to go to the doctor and find I had strep again and was desensitized to the pain. Sometimes my whole throat and mouth would be covered in blisters before the pain was bad enough just because I always had strep. Occasionally it was other things like my migraines growing up I now know were from Occipital neuralgia, craniocervical and atlantoaxial instability. So she didn't always take me seriously but I have to admit, after two decades of your life being told you're a hypochondriac and your symptoms are all in your head, I started to believe I was crazy myself and that my symptoms either weren't real or much less severe than they really were.

My dad being autistic never really dealt with my health stuff very much. He just isn't knowledgeable in it and has no clue what to do so my mom was the one who did that. Though she pawned off a lot of my more serious issues on it all being on my head she was always there for me. She took me to the hospital if it was needed and knew I didn't say I needed to go to the hospital unless I really felt like death. There have been several times where doctors have tried to say nothing is wrong and send me home where she has literally refused to take me home or argued with doctors but this was mostly after my diagnosis. I kind of wish she would have done this and pushed harder when I was a kid as she very much has, I guess you would call it brand loyalty but it went further than only grocery shopping at Meijer, literally fighting with me for years about leaving Verizon because in her mind Verizon was the only company that was any good, only allowing one person to cut her hair even if it meant following her to a new job, she had a doctor she liked and stayed with him for most of my life and denied he wasn't a good doctor after an incident in high school which caused me to switch. It's hard for her to move on even if there is no progress or things start to get worse so one thing I wish is she would have done a little more doctor shopping when I was a kid.

Doctor shopping is oftentimes frowned upon at and when most people hear of doctor shopping they tend to think of it as someone who goes from doctor to doctor looking for drugs or or to sign disability papers so they can get a free ride at life but when you have a rare disease doctor shopping means something totally different and can even be so vitally important your life and future depends on it. I had so many doctors who simply invalidated my symptoms saying I was making them up for attention or had a mental illness. Many of these doctors did nothing at all but the majority of them did the exact same tests over and over. If it was a doctor outside of the hospital they did a CBC, Chem. and a 7 (Basic Metabolic Panel) which always came back normal or borderline normal therefore they deemed me healthy, slapped a psychiatric disorder on me or simply said there's nothing wrong and sent me on my way,

If I went to the hospital, they would do the CBC, Chem. 7, accuse me of doing drugs or being pregnant or when I was really little bring in case managers making accusations of child abuse that wasn't happening, then do a drug test, pregnancy test and STD testing, say the CBC and Chem. 7 were normal or near normal, congratulate me on not being pregnant, having any illegal substances in my system or STD’s, slap a psychiatric disorder on me saying they tested everything and sent me home. When I got older, lucky me, I got two drug tests, the urinalysis drug test and when it came back normal, they would come in and draw my blood assuming if I was having seizures, passing out or having heart palpitations I must be on drugs and tampered with the urine test. I wish prior to my diagnosis my dad would have had a computer and learned to use it and both my parents would have done more research. I also wish they had advocated for me better and if one doctor said they didn't know or didn't believe me, they would have moved on to another doctor because if I could have gotten diagnosed sponsor it would have saved me some permanent damage to my body that I have now and possibly spared me some of the medical abuse and neglect though even with a diagnosis you can't avoid it, especially when it comes to the hospital.

Doctors and nurses are just as lazy as everyone else. It's just like every other job where 5% of the employees do 90% of the work and 90% of the employees do 5% of the work. The ones who actually take their jobs seriously are used to the max by their coworkers and like me when I was a nurse, didn’t believe the patients deserved to suffer or pay for their staffs laziness and neglect and those are the ones who try to play superman taking on their patients and everyone else's, answering call lights that aren't theirs, bringing food to others patients, making sure they are turned or their catheters have been emptied and generally running around like a chicken with their head cut off and I can always tell who falls into the 90% who uses the 5%, carrying less about the patient as long as they get a paycheck and the 5% who look like they are about to fall over yet still giving what they don't have to make sure the patient doesn't pay for their lazy staff member.

It's very easy to tell when you have spent a large portion of your life in doctors offices and hospitals and learn how rare it is to get one of the people in the 5% as your medical personnel and watching the lazy staff you have out your door at the nurses station sitting with other lazy staff in front a computer laughing at a YouTube video their watching, gossiping and talking badly about another patient loud enough for you to hear, playing pranks on each other, one nurse who drops her pants moons another in a room of 9-11 year old little boys, The nurse who has the pediatric patient who flat lines, on bad days, it's not uncommon for this to happen 20 times in one day and at their best, at the very least multiple times a week. The patient's vitals are linked to a pager the nurse carries so if the patient's heart stops the pager will alert them yet they consistently leave the pager in the patient's bed, on their night stand, at one of the computer kiosks where nurses chart, in another patients room, in the activity room or god knows where. I've found it in the bathroom on the toilet paper mount, in the linen closet on top of some towels, you name it then this same nurse who is buddy buddy with the nurse slips away with a coworker to the activity room or to the nurses lounge for you to later walk in on them playing cards and talking bad about patients or other staff. The two nurses going through a wedding magazine, looking at dresses and hear one say “That's my room”, and the other one say “Just ignore it and let Janett get it” Yes these are true stories down to the name used for the poor nurse who was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. All experiences I have seen either in the roll of the nurse and in the roll of the patient.

I was mostly around nurses and of course you don't see doctors very often but being in a chair I have been forced to use a bedpan before and seen examples similar to this with doctors as well. Once I was taken downstairs for a cardiac ultrasound, asking to go to the bathroom before they took me down because I had my call light on to go before transport even came in my room. They told me I would only be down there 10 or 15 minutes and asked me if I could wait. They took me down there to beds of people lining the halls and I had 18 people in front of me. Well, 15 minutes turned into 4 hours. I asked multiple times to go to the bathroom and they said they don't have a wheelchair down there and if I can't walk to the bathroom I have to hold it. I even asked if they could call up to my room and have my mom bring my chair down and as gross as it sounds, I even got desperate, breaking into a sweat I had to pee so bad and asked them to wheel my bed outside the bathroom and lower it as low as it goes, and I would put my blanket and pillows on the floor and slide out of my bed onto the floor myself and they can pull me on the blanket to the toilet or I could army crawl and use my arms to pull myself up onto the toilet. They still said no. I asked earlier on if they could take me back to my room or bring a wheelchair, still no.

Eventually I told one of the nurses that I had to pee for 3.5 hours, she saw that I was all sweaty and shaking. I said if they don’t get me somewhere to pee within the next few minutes they were going to have a huge mess to clean up. She grabbed two bedpans, a small one and a bit one, said you're tiny and I told her no, use the big one, I have EDS so my bladder can stretch really far and I can easily pee 22 oz. so she rolled me into a doctor's personal office, he was in there watching a movie on Netflix on his computer, yes a full blown Netflix movie. He tried to flip the screen back to an ultrasound image really quick when the nurse stormed in with me to make it look like that's what he was doing but he fumbled around a little bit and wasn't fast enough. The nurse told him to get out so he left and I had to pee in a bed pan in his office… then spent the next few weeks having to wear diapers for bladder leaks because they let me hold my bladder so long my bladder stretched out too much from hypermobility and it folded on top of itself resulting in bladder leaks until it shrink back down. Thank you OSU. Doctors can also be extremely lazy and I wish this was something my parents acknowledged more or took more notice of and fought more for me, looked more into my rights, such as being able to call a patient advocate or fire doctors and nurses which is something I had to find out myself.

I found out I had EDS before I was even diagnosed which is what made me fight so hard to find a doctor who has heard of it. I got desperate being sick and spent years learning how to find and read medical journals. When Facebook started having groups I started joining groups to ask questions, I started going to doctors and no longer letting them call the shots. If they said they wanted to do a Chem. 7 and CBC I would say that's fine if they want to but it will come back normal and start requesting tests that aren't considered standard and that are used to test for specific conditions rather than just evaluating me for acute conditions. I started walking in and telling doctors how I felt and when they either said well we will see you in a year to see if things change or wanting to run just the basic CBC and Chem. 7 I would start saying “Could you run a 24 hour Tryptase Urinalysis”, “Could you run a gastric emptying study”, “could you run a 24 hour urine for Cortisol levels”, “could you run an ELISA”, “would you write for a flexion/extension MRI with contrast”, “What about a rotational CT” “Everyone wants to do a colonoscopy but instead of ordering that can you order an Endoscopy this time?” “I would like to get an “ATCH Stem test”, “I know you have never heard of one but if I email you the information will you order a Tilt Table Test”, “You’re doing that Aortic Ultrasound without contrast? It’s supposed to be done with contrast. Could you call up to the doctor and ask him to add contrast before you start?”

Sure a lot of doctors would downright refuse. I have gone in 5 and 6 times asking for a test and being told no, only to go in the 7th time and be told “It will come back negative but if I order this will you quit bugging me about it?” for them to order it and the test to come back positive for the condition I wanted it ordered for then they treat me like total crap to the point the office staff is mentioning about how bad he is treating me to find out he’s doing it on purpose to try to get rid of me as a patient, probably because he realized what he said was really wrong and he made himself look bad. I have learned that if a doctor isn't willing to listen to move on and find someone who will. You need to find one who is willing to run the test or even just ask if I can email them some medical journals or information about the test or showing the importance of it or why I believe it needs done, willing to learn and if I can prove my case they will order it no problem.

I wish I had someone who started this for me as a child who did the research or helped me do the research to know what tests to ask for and to find a new doctor for me if one was either trying to slap a psychiatric label on me or acted interested but simply refused to run any tests so my care went stagnant. I still wish my parents knew the ins and outs of EDS like I do and really researched it because it makes me a little nervous when a squad is called and they are stumbling over my diagnosis or saying “She has oh, that one heart thing that makes it go really fast. Oh what's it called or only naming like two of my conditions. It also scares me that one day I will be rushed in internally bleeding since things like Aortic Dissection, Carotid Dissection, Mesenteric Dissection, Iliac Dissection or Femoral Dissection as well as uterine and bowel rupture are common and can happen very suddenly in EDS that my parents may not know the common areas for bleeds or know them from most to least common so they may not know where to look or may not realize its actually internal bleeding at all until it's too late.

With all of the craniocervical manifestations I also fear I will be sent in for respiratory distress a or something else emergent relating to my craniocervical instability and my family family won’t realize its from the instability and if they do they wont know where to find information to prove this to a doctor or who the five surgeons in the US are who can operate on it so I will either end up on life support until someone gives up on finding the root of the problem which I knew all along what it was but couldn't tell anyone and pulls the plug, unable to tell anyone what is happening and advocate for myself, die before they even get a chance to hook me up to life support or end up under the knife of a surgeon who has absolutely no clue how to do the surgery I need and what modifications and special precautions need to be made for someone with EDS and I will die on the table like a few others I know or the last scenario, where I will have the surgery, wake up from it and it will be so botched that I’m one of the ones walking around with broken hardware, screws drilled into my spinal cord and paralyzed from the neck down, in more pain than I am now and the damage is too extensive to be repaired.

It's so important for the patient and their family to have very extensive knowledge of the condition since it's very complex and there are a lot of things that can go wrong at any given time. It's important to know what symptoms you are experiencing at any given time are associated with or at least the ability to know what medical emergencies are more common in EDS patients and the ability to narrow it down to 2 or 3 possibilities because most medical professionals don't learn about EDS or learn very little.

Just to put the complexity of the condition into perspective let's say you wanted to buy a book that taught you about diabetes and it was 500 pages long but you wanted to also buy a book on Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and be just as knowledgeable by the time you finish about EDS as you are when you finish the book on diabetes, there are about 15 common comorbidities of diabetes and about 250 common comorbidities of EDS. Diabetes can affect a handful of other organ systems however EDS effects every single part of the body so if you wanted to be just as knowledgeable about EDS as you would about Diabetes after reading a 500 page book about it and its comorbidities, given they were only allowed to give you more basic knowledge of comorbidities, say 10-15 pages per comorbidity, depending on its complexity and the rest on Diabetes you would have to read about 4,573 pages and that's only for hypermobile form of EDS which is broken down into trifecta so I gave 15 pages to each comorbidity of diabetes, were going to assume this book is on type 1 diabetes given there are 2 types of diabetes and 13+ types of EDS so after giving 15 pages to the comorbidities the remaining was for the condition itself. Since hypermobile is usually seen in the trifecta I had to multiple the remaining pages by three then add 15 pages for each comorbidity to get the total number of pages and even this is a very rough estimate since we need to consider how many organ systems are involved in each and how complex the comorbidity.

In most medical textbooks EDS is not listed at all or is only condensed into a few paragraphs at the very most while learning about collagen and connective tissue so if anyone in the medical field learns about it at all its very very little, so little that they can easily forget those one or two paragraphs they read our of the thousands of pages they read during medical school.

Now I know it sounds like I’m talking bad about my parents but that's not the case at all. My parents are incredible and so much better with my condition than a lot of others. They may not know the ins and outs of this but they know I am not faking anything, I’m not exaggerating, they know, especially with my PTSD, that if I go to the hospital I am pretty darn sick and know when to make me go if I continue refusing to go to the hospital. They don't want to talk about it or admit it so will often downplay the fact that death can happen very easily and at any time and I am not going to live an average life expectancy. They may avoid talking about it or downplay it but I know they know just how serious this is but they already lost their son and don't want to lose their daughter so avoid the topic.

They refused to let me be sent to a nursing home or long term care facility when we were told I could no longer live alone and brought me into their house. They help me with a lot of my needs. Heck, my mom has given me baths as an adult because I have been too sick to do so. My mom helped with training Maggie to be a service animal, making sure I made it to all of her classes, helping me teach tasks I struggled with due to being in a chair, using her commands so she gets practice and doesn’t forget what she has learned. My dad not so much. He's a softie that has let every animal we have ever owned, own him. If it were up to him to do the training, Maggie probably wouldn't even be house broken yet if I’m totally honest lol. They have taken on so much with me and though I appreciate it more than they could ever know I also feel terrible guilt surrounding all that they do.

They have to drive me everywhere. The safety of public transportation in America for people on Medicare is downright deplorable. Only one agency contracted by Medicare has seat belts for wheelchair users, most of the vans are from the 90s and not up to code. They are actually so old that someone who is disabled isn't even allowed to buy one for personal at the age the ones the state provides transportation in here in Ohio because they don't meet the safety requirements even for the minimum amount of insurance yet a cab company is allowed to purchase and insure them to transport the disabled in. Its one of those things where it's illegal for the members of the state but the rule doesn't apply to the government kind of things. Their extremely dangerous, I have been in ones in my 425 lb. wheelchair, with my112 lb. self my 17 lb. service dog in her one or two pounds of gear and a backpack on the back of my chair with my meds and maybe some food and a drink in it to take to a doctors appointment so maybe another 10 or so lbs. of weight, riding in a van and staring through the rust holes in the floor looking at t the rusty parts under the van and the pavement of the highway underneath me, hoping to god the floor doesn't give way to all of this weight so I don't fall through.

I've been in two accidents with drivers, most of these drivers smell of mamajuana when they come and one of them had a rink that had a little tiny canister on it (If I remember I’ll post a picture I secretly took of it” at a stop light he opened the little can, poured white powder into his hand, used his other finger to brush it into a pile in his palm and then snorted it up his nose. I have ridden in vans someone threw up all over, one that the door to the wheelchair lift had 3 of its 4 hinges rusted all the way through so when the driver opened the door he had to hold it with one hand because it was hanging on there sideways like a broken cabinet door with only the bottom hinge still attached, got me up the lift then shut the door, came inside and used a bungie, hooking it in a hole that it looked like was drilled into the door and then a natural hole where the raised roof of the van and the bottom of the van attaches in a hole that didn't have a bolt. It was a really windy day and on the way back, we were driving down my road, a gust of wind blew, the bungee snapped, almost hitting me in the face, the door flew open and the last hinge snapped with the door flying off and into the gutter along the side of the road. We were right down the road from my house and the driver casually said “I'll go ahead and drop you off first and grab that on my way back.” like that kind of thing happens every day or something.

I have had a driver ask to stop at a gas station and I told him that was fine thinking he needed gas. He pulled up beside the end pump and instead of getting gas we sat there for about 3 minutes when another guy in a red truck pulled up along the side of the building. The driver got out of the van and went around the side of the building where the truck was. All I could see was the back of the truck sticking, about a minute later my driver came out from behind the truck, sticking something in his front pocket, the truck left and then we left. I was hoping to god it was just his brother or roommate or someone giving him some money for lunch or something but for real, a wallet goes in the back pocket and what he had was smaller than a wallet since you couldn't see what was in his hand and most people carry plastic these days so I’m pretty sure I was just hoping it was lunch money out of wishful thinking because with along the side of the building out of view of most of the public and all it seemed pretty sketchy to me.

Anyhow my parents do a lot, they drive me to appointments when they can to try to keep me out of the appalling care of the state, they let me live with them, they provide a lot of care, cooking, doing my laundry, vacuuming and doing a lot of the things that I feel like I should be doing for them at their age. It really does make me feel extremely guilty and like a terrible person. They help with Maggie taking her out just to help me out even though I can usually take her out myself unless it's icy or snowy since she basically takes herself out lol. I can go in the yard with her in the late spring to early fall when it's warm and dry out so my power chair won't sink into the mud. They will pick up food at the store or meds for me they do a lot and with my mom having EDS too, I have seen my mom go down hill a lot since her botched surgery that left her on life support so I hate asking either of them to do anything or for help. My dad is almost 66 and my mom, though 8 years younger gets around worse than my dad does so it's really hard to need so much care and feel like I put it on them, especially when my home health aid was taken away when the pandemic started but of course most of the home health aids I had were so English incompetent's and fresh out of countries where they didn't have stoves or washers and dryers and what not, living in huts that they don't know how to use modern appliances or understand me when I relay my needs which actually made things oftentimes harder with a home health and than without one as my parents were always coming home to fixing messes the aids made too.

With all that being said, here is my advice to parents of kids with suspected EDS. Get them diagnosed as early on as possible. Do lots of research, I know it's a pain and may be a lot of work but the more you know about the condition the better. Don't stop there, learn your rights and laws around medical care and disability rights as well as techniques for advocating for your child. Get them on a 504 plan at their school so they can get the accommodations they need. Learning disabilities aren’t uncommon and the prevalence of high functioning autism is incredibly high in EDS patients so if you suspect they may have a learning disability fight for a diagnosis and have that added to the 504 plan. A 504 plan isn't just for learning disabilities, it can be for physical disabilities as well.

You don't want to caudle you child of course and many don't have a lot of severe symptoms as kids but make sure the plan accommodates for things such as food allergies, if they have POTS or low blood sugar make sure they have it in their plan to be able to bring their own food, be able to eat in class. I know on mine, I was allowed to use the teachers lounge microwave during lunch to heat food brought from home and they allowed me to use the bathroom in the nurse's office if I needed it. You can ask for things like that they not be punished for arriving to class after the bell within reason, especially if the school is large and they may have several classes on the opposite side of the building as their locker so they aren't forced to carry books for multiple classes or for them to have two sets of books, one that they keep at home and one that is in each classroom they attend class in so they aren't having to carry heavy books around or teased for having a backpack on wheels. This is one thing I would have really liked to have written into my IEP as a kid if I had been lucky enough to get diagnosed sooner. If they are more symptomatic, more prone to injury or have VEDS they may have more needs.

Again you don't want to be a helicopter parent and want them to do as much stuff for themselves as it is safe for them to do and want them to have all the experiences other children do but if gym is an issue you can request they don't participate in high contact sports or even have it put into their IEP that they can swap gym out for another elective like music, art or home economics class or in the lower grades where they may not have options for alternative electives you can ask if they have any teachers or aids available during that time frame who can create somewhat of a study hall for the younger child, helping them with their homework, studying for tests, able to sit there and let the child read a book to them and help them with any words they struggle with or even just play some educational games with them or let them play an educational game on the computer.

Some schools also offer physical therapy for kids, especially the ones with developmental delays who may not be mainstreamed and the therapy replaces gym for them. Even if your child has cognitive abilities cohesive with their age, you could see if they are allowed to join therapy with those children. With being able to do so much online now, I have heard of some requesting that on their bad days the teachers live stream them into their classroom so they can participate in class from home when needed or if the child needs a surgery or has a doctors appointment they can live stream in instead of going to school or live stream in part of the day before or after an appointment, going to school the other half of the time. You may also request extended time on homework like instead of turning it all in the next day, ask that they have the week, for example, they have to have all homework turned in from that week by the following Monday so say they are having a really bad day Wednesday and in a lot of pain or very fatigued and can only get their math homework done but not their English, science and history. They will be able to work on that homework throughout the week possibly adding the English to their Thursday homework, the science to their Friday homework and catch up on the history over the weekend so they at least aren’t failing or losing credit on homework if there are a few days a month where they are really struggling or not feeling well.

Another reason I suggest learning everything you can and really fighting for a diagnosis early is because if you work you are more likely to have a PPO insurance plan which covers a lot more than Medicare. You can get some things that Medicare won't cover out of the way in case the child has a possibility of being disabled as an adult. Genetic testing is one thing you really want to try to get done as a child as hospitals in some states like my own will not do genetic testing for EDS on adults unless they have another family member who has tested positive for one of the rarer forms of EDS.

You don't want to be in the situation I am where you have four doctors sure you have Vascular form and have been fighting to get you tested, your brother died before he had any testing, your uncle had an aortic aneurysm and died never getting diagnosed, you were referred to a geneticist who won't test you because you are under 21 and no one in you family has tested positive on genetic testing for VEDS, your mom is referred to genetic testing after coming out of a coma and being on life support after a major organ rupture that almost took her life and turned away for the same reason and your grandfather is referred and turned away leaving multiple members of the family suspected of having EDS but no one able to be tested because we are all over the age of 21 and I can’t have children nor would I want to because of the fear of passing this down to them there will not be anyone under the age of 21 to get tested in order for us to get tested so your stuck without a diagnosis. This is why you need at least a hypermobile diagnosis so you have time to fight for the genetic testing to ensure it isn’t a more serious type, especially if a doctor suspects it.

If your child has severe enough symptoms you can also get them listed as disabled under the state in order to get extra financial aid to cover medical needs not covered or special equipment like gait trainers or possibly a power chair for school and a manual chair at home It can cover the cost of tutoring and several other things insurance may not cover. If they grow up and work for so many years and end up getting worse, needing to go onto SSDI their SSDI it will also make it so that their payout will be higher if its on record that they were disabled before the age of 18.

Having a child with a complex health condition, especially when the condition is rare can be a lot of work and very stressful at times. Definitely learn everything you can and fight for a diagnosis for your child. If you suspect you may have the condition fight for a diagnosis for yourself as well. The sooner anyone starts treatment and can get regular screenings such as those for aortic dissection the more they can prevent damage early on and also prevent life threatening complications so that’s my advice to any parent out there.

#MyEDSChallenge #MyHSDChallenge

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