#kojo is the top dawg

[my-shields-are-down]

Chenford + “Kojo did what?!”

Tim (on the phone) Your dog is in trouble with the neighborhood dogs.

Lucy: Why is he MY dog whenever he gets in trouble?

Tim: Isn’t that how he became my dog? He got into trouble because of you and your lack of Inherent Alpha dogged-ness…Ergo…

Lucy: Ergo? What is this? Are you studying for another snooty test or something?

Tim: Babe, please try to stay on topic. Kojo … well, he was a bit of a “dawg” a big ole dirty dawg.

Lucy: Kojo did what now? I’m confused, he is a big and often times dirty dog. Can you be more specific?

Tim: Really? You make me listen to poppy gangsta rap for hours on end and then you don’t know what I’m saying when I speak that language?

Lucy: Tim, you are a white-boy from the suburbs. You should never use that language. So again, what did Kojo do?

Tim: yeah, so apparently when Trish walks him during the day, she usually walks one of the other dogs in the neighborhood. There’s 4 main pups that rotate in and out. Trish thinks that each lady dog secretly loves Kojo - thinks they are his girlfriend.

Lucy: And? (Knowing full well what he means but egging him on anyway)

Tim: You really need me to explain this? Good grief. Ok. The trouble started when one of his “regular” walking mates got pregnant and the owners can’t figure out how it happened and there was a big blow up at the dog park when all 4 dogs and their owners were there when Kojo and Trish showed up. The dogs started barking and growling at each other and Trish said three of them ganged up and growled at the pregnant dog - who btw has the most hilarious new haircut and Kojo sat there like…. he was king of the park. You know … like..

Lucy is desperately trying to stop herself from laughing, but little squeaks and huffs keeps eking out as he gets deeper and deeper into the story.

Tim: Oh god. Well like that super misogynistic old season of The Bachelor you made me watch - with Jake Pavelka? - where all the bachelorettes hated that one chick with the sausage name and thought she was trashy because she was from the Florida swamps and she just wanted to beat them all and win for winning’s sake, and then she did beat out the tea name lady who had a voice like a chipmunk because Ali - who went on to be the next bachelorette- got fired from Facebook for being on the show and out for so long- left the show to try to salvage her job. She really dodged a bullet. Anyway…. Vienna - that’s her name- Vienna won but then forgot that the douche canoe was the prize… and Tenley -

Lucy finally cannot hold it in any longer - she busts out into hysterical laughter at Tim’s spot on analysis of that season. “Stop, please stop. I can’t breathe… I can’t…. Hahahaha…. You … you are comparing our dog - OUR DOG- to arguably the worst bachelor in the history of the franchise?! Oh oh god… my sides hurt… I’m getting a cramp. Honey… oh.. oh… I get it “dawg” d-a-w-g. Nice pun. Oh … oh… because his four walking companions were being all possessive of him and what ganging up on the pregnant one like oh! That one party where they ganged up on Vienna and totally bullied her? …. Stop it, stop,. you never said any of that stuff when we were watching, just gave me that annoyed side-eye… (snort). This might be my favorite retelling of the days events ever. Ohhh. I should’ve recorded it….”

Tim, on the other end of the phone is again giving her the annoyed side-eyed look, but he’s never heard Lucy laugh like this - so overcome that the sound of pure joy is bursting out of her and he feels another hole in his heart close up and mend. He now knows it’s not if he’s going to ask her, but when.

Lucy is still laughing when Tim scratches Kojo’s head and leans down to whisper good job. “Too bad you’re fixed or it really would be the most dramatic season ever…”

====

PS - I love that in most fan fiction, Lucy makes Tim watch trashy tv. So I could totally see him analyze both the men and women who are on the bachelor and bachelorette and know so much more than he ever lets on. He’s masterful at reading people and their motivation. The Bachelor seasons would be a gold mine for him. Plus Tim would watch because Lucy loves it and he loves her - that is… unless The Rams are playing Monday night then all bets are off.

PPS - that is not Jake in the gif below - but Jesse Palmer, former QB of the Giants, who would’ve been the bachelor my season if I had made it beyond the semi-final round of auditions.

[crimedawgbylaw]

2019 Lists & Reflections

50 RAP SONGS

Duke Deuce - “Yeh” 

Rio Da Yung OG - “Legendary” 

Mustard & Roddy Ricch - “Ballin”

Pop Smoke - “Welcome To The Party” 

Lil Gotit - “Drop The Top (feat. Lil Keed)”

Gunna - “Derek Fisher (Feat. Lil Baby” 

Denzel Curry - “Wish (feat. Kiddo Marv)” 

Lil Zay Osama - “Trencherous” 

ShittyBoyz - “Spirit Bomb” 

Teejayx6 - “Blackmail” 

Rod Wave - “Sky Priority” 

Megan Thee Stallion - “Cash Shit (feat. DaBaby)” 

Lil Uzi Vert - “That’s A Rack”

54 Baby Trey - “Let Me Fall”

Headie One - “Both”

Kevin Gates - “Right Game Wrong Nigga”

Ether Da Connect - “Waka (feat. Fivio Foreign & Mr Swipey)”

Dreamville - “Under The Sun (feat. J. Cole, Lute & DaBaby)”

YWN Melly - “Gang (First Day Out)”

YoungBoy Never Broke Again - “Slime Belief”

Young Nudy - “Pissy Pamper (feat. Playboi Carti)”

Tierra Whack - “Only Child” 

Shootergang Kony - “Charlie”

Hardy Dicaprio - “Guten Tag (feat. DigDat)”

ALLBLACK - “304 (feat. Kossiko)”

Maxo Kream - “She Live (feat. Megan Thee Stallion)”

San Quinn - “Ain’t Nobody Thuggin”

SOB X RBE - “Ran Off Wit It”

Lil Keed - “Oh My God”

Mojo - “Chop Life Crew (feat. prettyboydo)”

Sada Baby - “On Gang”

Lil Chicken & Jigg - “Fast Cash Babies”

Polo G - “Battle Cry”

GVF - “Bah Bah”

03 Greedo - “Gettin Ready”

Blueface - “Bleed It”

Suga Free - “Hole In My Heart (feat. Kokane)”

Ty Dolla $ign - “Purple Emoji (feat. J. Cole)”

Peezy - “New Car Smell”

Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats - “Again”

Nathen Peni - “Iceberg”

Big Wan - “Fast Lane Lifestyle”

Cash Click Boog - “Southwest Gangin (feat. Rockin Rolla)”

Blade Icewood, Lil Blade, Payroll Giovanni & Peezy - “Boy Would You”

Stunna4Vegas - “Ashley (Feat. DaBaby)”

Big Fenc - “Can’t Fall Off (feat. Rio Da Yung OG, Dink & Sid Dawg)”

Leeak - “True Story (feat. Peezy)”

Spanish Rice - “Curb Action”

Valee & Calboy - “Uninvited”

J Hus - “Must Be”

20 NOT RAP SONGS

Mahalia - “What You Did (feat. Ella Mae)

Rema - “Dumebi”

DJ Tunez - “Majesty (feat. Busiswa)”

Bad Bunny - “Callaita”

Rosalia & Ozuna - “Yo x Ti, Tu x Mi”

AceMoe - “Where They At??? (feat. John FM)

Ana Torroja - “Llama”

Bru-C & Window King - “Bits (Massapeals UKG Remix)

Squash & Vybz Kartel - “Beat Dem Bad”

Tresor - “Sondela (feat. Masaki)”

Koffee - “Toast 262 Remix”

Zlatan - “This Year”

Fracture - “Give Me Love (feat. Fox)”

Fireboy DML - “Need You”

Wiley - “Boasty (feat. Idris Elba & Sean Paul) [Conducta Remix]”

Dominic Fike & Kenny Beats - “Phone Numbers”

J. Balvin & Bad Bunny - “Como Un Bebe (feat. Mr. Eazi)”

Pappy Kojo - “Balance (feat. Joey B & Nshonamuzik)”

I Jahbar - “Turn Up”

Walshy Fire - “Call Me (feat. Mr. Eazi & Kranium)”

10 ALBUMS I LIKED

Roddy Ricch - Please Forgive Me For Being Antisocial

Gunna - Drip Or Drown 2

Rod Wave - Ghetto Gospel

Polo G - Die A Legend

Cashclick Boog - Extras

Tree - We Grown Now

Fireboy DML - Laughter, Tears & Goosebumps

Rich The Factor & DJ Fresh - The Tonite Show

Lil Chicken - Billy

Sada Baby - Bartier Bounty

OLDER TUNES I DISCOVERED

Yung Bleu - “Miss It”

Missez - “Love Song (feat. Pimp C)”

Kim Ann Foxman - “Let Me Be The One (New York Club Mix)”

The Source Ft.Candi Staton - You Got The Love (12'' Erens Bootleg Mix)

Daniki & Steady Ranks - “Soundboy Moan & Yawn”

Streetlordz Blade Icewood - “Boy Would You”

Sunscreem - “Perfect Motion (Boy’s Own Mix)”

Davina & Big Tone - “Ain’t Nobody Thuggin”

Swamp Dogg - “Synthetic World”

Orbital - “Halcyon On And On”

REFLECTIONS

As many of us have fallen further into the ruts of Spotify, it’s worth noting that the most exciting rap projects of 2019 weren’t available on streaming services: the enigmatic leaks and snippets of Playboi Carti and the incessant string of YouTube-only bangers from the wildly prolific Sada Baby (who also dropped two solid mixtapes and a killer album).

My favorite rappers of the year were rising star turned chart-topper Roddy Ricch and gritty, Flint powerhouse Rio Da Yung OG. Roddy took Album Of The Year with PFMFBA (even though his best track “Ballin” wasn’t on the album) and Rio released at least five solid mixtapes along with dozens of unfailingly-outstanding features.

Duke Deuce’s gloriously rowdy “Yeh” was my favorite rap song. DaBaby seems to be the biggest rapper out and I enjoy his music, but none of his songs made the cut (although he has great appearances on “Cash Shit” and “Under The Sun”). The biggest surprise of the year was having two solid J. Cole features on the list, although I still don’t respect him since he ruined “Planez” (among other things).

I moved to Milwaukee in early 2019 and realized that I’ve been sleeping on some serious talent. From the straight-up Milwaukee slap of Spanish Rice to the polished-up slap of Lil Chicken’s latest release Billy. But 54 Baby Trey transcends the slap and I could see him having a promising career once he finally drops an album or mixtape. (Meanwhile download my unofficial 54 Baby ‘The Mixtape’ here.)

While on the topic of Wisconsin rap, I have to shout out Nathen Peni’s “Iceberg,” which is Green Bay’s greatest rap song since C.W.A.’s “Where The Hell Is Neenah.” Hoping he comes up with a better rap name in 2020, though.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 11th February 2018

This is one of those episodes that’s going to be kind of slap-dash, I’m not even going to tag this on Tumblr or promote it anywhere else than on Twitter (@cactusinthebank); I just want to get this over with because nothing’s happening this week at all that is of any interest, except the top ten.

Top 10

HOW?! This is the first time on this show that I’ve been so flabbergasted at a song’s success. How is “God’s Plan” by Drake still at the top?! I can’t remember anything from it other than how he nasally says “God’s plan, God’s plan” in the outro. This is so incredibly boring and useless, why is “Diplomatic Immunity” failing? That was a decent track.

In other much better news, our first new top ten entry is “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen, which landed nice spaces up at the runner-up spot, which is great because this song is pretty nice to say the least.

”Barking” by Ramz went down a space to number-three. It’s falling, Van’s yawning. However, I have to admire how happy Ramz is. He’s adorable.

”IDGAF” by Dua Lipa stays at number-four.

”River” by Eminem featuring Ed Sheeran has gone down two spaces to number-five, but it might rebound due to that video.

”This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble rises two spaces to number-six, and while I like the song, I really do not want a movie soundtrack single to be in the top five.

Cardi B’s remix of “Finesse” by Bruno Mars finally goes up two spaces back to number-seven after losing a lot of his traction.

”Tip Toe” by Jason Derulo featuring French Montana is down two spaces, sadly, to number-eight.

As soon as I praise the song on my best list, “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man goes up four spaces to number-nine, becoming our second new top ten entry... finally! It took you about a year.

Oh, and “Never be the Same” by Camila Cabello rebounds by four spots to number-ten to finish off our top ten, but who cares about that trash heap of a single? Let’s get to the climbers.

Climbers

Nothing’s happened. No, I’m serious, nothing’s happened. Okay, maybe “Fine Line” by Mabel featuring Not3s rose five spaces from #22 to #17, and maybe Justin Timberlake’s album gave a nine-space boost to “Say Something” featuring Chris Stapleton up to #24, as well as Kendrick Lamar and SZA having the same treatment with “All the Stars” at #28, but other than that and “For You (Fifty Shades Freed)” by Liam Payne and Rita Ora rising five spots to #18, there’s nothing interesting to see here.

Fallers

Fallers are a different story, however, with some absolutely massive drops for earlier January hits and late 2017 hits. “I Know You” by Craig David and Bastille, as well as “I Miss You” by Clean Bandit and Julia Michaels, took a seven-space fall to #12 and a whopping 19-space leap to #31, respectively.  “Let You Down” was let down hard, falling 20 spaces to #35. “17” by MK also barely holds on, zooming down 21 spaces to #38. Also, normally, I wouldn’t talk about “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran dropping down one space to #19 as it doesn’t deserve any more attention, but BBC lists the duet version still and the official UK Chart Company lists the solo version. Just thought I’d talk about that.

Dropouts

“Walk It Talk It” by Migos featuring Drake drops out from #31, as it should, due to the streaming numbers falling after the initial release. “Game Changer” by MIST has dropped out from #35 after the debut, and “Diplomatic Immunity” by Drakegrassi has sadly dropped out from #36. Other dropouts include “Let Me Down” by Jorja Smith featuring Stormzy and “Dimelo” by Rak-Su featuring Naughty Boy and Wyclef Jean from #39 and #40 respectively.

Returning Entries

For the first time ever on this show, we have a returning entry, and that is Justin Timberlake’s “Filthy” at #34 thanks to the album. No, it does not work in the context of the album at all, and honestly, all it’s done is make it even more jarring. I still hate this song with a passion and I think I always will. It’s just so Timber-lame, as was that pun. Let’s move on to the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “Let Me Go” – Hailee Steinfeld and Alesso featuring Florida Georgia Line and Watt

This took so long to chart here, and it’s no surprise, since it’s just a bunch of unrecognisable B-listers making a boring pop song with nothing of interest to talk about. I know I’ve been saying everything is boring, but it really is with this song and the charts right now. Hailee sounds okay over the fake finger-snaps, but the switch to the chorus is very jarring and took me off guard. The drop sounds very empty as well, maybe Watt could clear up some of the synth with a guitar solo? Of course not, it’s a pop song, I’m kidding myself. Florida Georgia Line are tolerable but I don’t understand why they’re here at all. The lyrics are generic, and it’s just one of the most uninteresting songs I’ve reviewed on this show. But don’t mistake, Drake takes the cake for that accolade, definitely. This is just boring. Really boring.

#33 – “Check” – Kojo Funds featuring RAYE

I wasn’t expecting a seductive Latin guitar to start a Kojo Funds song, but it really fits and I dig it plenty, especially with the soft bubbling mix of dancehall and trap percussion. It’s too bad that RAYE sounds God-awful, and Kojo Funds is just hilariously pathetic, with his corny lines about RAYE being “his Nintendo”. For God’s sake, specify, dude! His ad-libs are also very awkward, to the point where he’s crooning “ooh, wee” in the pre-chorus. Lest we forget this song is seemingly about Kojo allowing a gold digger to engage in sexual and romantic activities with him if she allows him to smoke marijuana. I’m not mad, just disappointed.

#27 – “Jumanji” – B Young

More Latin guitar intros for autotuned faux-reggae, I see. At least the last one lead to more than twinkling synth leads that sound like a music box, which is very unfitting when the song’s about B Young (terrible stage name) putting a big-booty girl’s body through the testing and fling-flinging off them panties. The main metaphor of this song is also very flawed. Why would anyone, let alone your peng ting called Ashanti, want to live life like Jumanji? She wants to take risks and chances like a board game, but why specifically Jumanji? Does she want to die? Because I sure do after listening to this song. Yikes.

#15 – “Pray for Me” – Kendrick Lamar featuring The Weeknd

Finally, the big debut of the week, “Pray for Me”, the next single off the underwhelming Black Panther soundtrack, and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t anything but cheap and boring. The Weeknd sounds rather stiff on a beat that wouldn’t sound out of place on the super-deluxe version of Humanz – yes, it’s that cheap-sounding. The beat hardly develops during the chorus, just adding a few incredibly ineffective strings and backing vocals that do not interest or excite me at all, they just add more to the bore that is this song. Not even Kendrick can save this song with a killer verse, no, he just provides an uninteresting verse that doesn’t show off his skill or talent as well as it could have. Also, the choir vocalising during the bridge is grating. If you want a good song from that soundtrack, check out “Paramedic!” featuring SOBxRBE. Now that’s a banger! Oh, yeah, this song is just sleep-inducing. Nice try, but this warrants nothing more than a ‘good effort’ badge from me.

Conclusion

Hot take: Kendrick Lamar is starting to tire me, and is becoming oversaturated on the charts, however, it will not change since I predict some changes in the charts to come next week off the soundtrack release by Kendrick Lamar, featuring all his labelmates at Top Dawg Entertainment. This week, however, was such a non-entity that I don’t think any of these songs deserve anything that would give them a title, even if it were negative. These songs are on the edge of non-existence, they’re so forgettable. See you next week for the next episode, and see you in a few days’ time for the worst list. Goodbye.