#kinda wish i could blow my mother up with my mind rn

[exquisiteagony]

.

[justtogetthrough]

My kid has been in town a week and knows I've been trying to calm down after some really whack shit happened as I've been honest that I'm struggling. Hes very respectful that i may not be in a place to be around people rn and has been heistant to ask too much from me, which is thoughtful but makes me kinda sad, but jumping to the end of the story when he needed me he did reach out and now he is here today, much earlier than planned but entirely necessary. We were gonna hang out next week and there was loose plans he'd come stay here at some point because his alternatives are couch surfing in residences that are... not overly safe for him. And just, they are busy and chaotic environments where he's on the couch and having to socialize with the hosts and be "on" all the time despite every day being supremely shitty and triggering for him because these people are not good to him. When he shared with his best friend he was planning to ask me to stay at my house rather than another night at their house, his friend legit got upset with him and was alll "what my house isnt good enough for you". And this is from after he escaped to the friend's house to avoid the inappropriate shit taking place at his mom's house, this friend was supposed to be refuge but shit got whack there too. Which im surprised about. This friend knows i am my kid's home, his caregiver. Why the need to guilt trip him into wanting a familiar house where our environment, our relationship is safe, calm, and predictable? Fuck this friend for making him feel bad and fuck this friend for not offering a place of safety where he felt he could stay for more than one night. That's on you pal. My kid can come home any time he wants to escape people like you.

So he arrived home today practically shaking and feeling so guilty for just wanting to be near me, be in his old home, be away from other people (he knows I'm a recluse and given my current mental state need a lot of alone time, meaning he'll have equal amounts of alone time here) where he can just be himself and not try to appease his hosts. He has a bed and a room here and won't be made to feel like he's in the way. In the week he's been back he's experienced so much harm from people he loves and it's fucking tragic.

It blows my mind the trauma this kid has been through just this WEEK. I was really enjoying my week alone but after hearing the horrors of his first of four weeks back in this shit town, I had to get him here. He brought a huge amount of stuff and I suspect this is where he's staying for the next 3 weeks. All I've ever wanted was for him to be safe and loved. He knows he has that here. I often feel like I havent changed his life path, idk if I have set him up for success bc he is making choices I wish he wasn't. But. When he needed safety, when he needed a place to calm down, when he needed a big hug because he has missed me, he knew his home is always available to him and we'll just communicate re: my mental health but if there's one thing I've been able to change in this kid's life? He knows who to call when he needs safety and stability.

A lot of people in my life doubt I will remain his caregiver for the rest of my life, they assume that this was temporary and the longer I have his mom blocked and the longer she's out of my life, her kid will follow. But he's my kid now, like he's been from day 1. And I am his only sense of stability - I will never abandon that kid. He can try to sabotage it all he wants bc he's messed the fuck up, but I am too and I can see through it all. He needs someone to come through for him and I will be that person til the day I die and I do hope I never have to be involved with his mother in any capacity ever again, but recognize there will always be that connection through the kid we share. She never deserved me, but her son was long overdue for someone like me - so maybe the ptsd was worth it. A kid feels safer and more stable because of me. It sucks I'm moving cuz this was supposed to be our home for a good long time - but things change and im actually moving somewhat closer to where he is and I look forward to having him come stay at my new place. It'll be more cramped for sure, 800sqft apartment compared to 1500sqft house. But. I allow him to take up space and I will always take him in when he's in need. His mom is so fucked and his friends just suck.

[lunarfeat21]

Vent

(tw domestic violence, gaslighting, child abuse)

———————————————————————

Literally last night I had a granted time at my friend’s Halloween party, we had movies, food, and musical chairs (was there mainly because my friend is leaving for the navy in two days).

Before me, mom, and brother just about to pull in the driveway, mom said that dad is very pissed (because earlier he thought mom is sick when she told him her arm hurts, what kind of logic is that?).

Didn’t phase us when we entered the house and dad is angry as fuck and essentially asked mom (specifically) where she went and questioned her arm.

Then they argue, mostly him because he’s known for things: domestic violence, getting into car crashes(unrelated but might connect to his behavior), and to an extent bringing a knife and threatening my mom right in front of my siblings.

At first I wanted to leave, always been since I was little, leaving for the safety of my room. This time I didn’t, every time my dad argued at sister, mom, or two at the same time.

So when I stayed with her in case he goes after her, i was ready to throw hands. Couple of bickering later to full scale gaslighting, he started bringing the child abuse I endured when I was extremely small (around maybe when I was a toddler? Tbh I don’t remember that happening).

Listing the things mom did, like how she thrown hot ass soup on my face, sending me to school with bruises or blood at 1st grade (to the point the school I attended is considering calling cps, but I don’t they did). The things she did to me back then was unacceptable (probably due to the fact she was also abused by her cruel aunt who raised her, but she seeked help and therapy which I forgive her).

My dad however wasn’t as a good person either (or worse) I could call him out for his bullshit

he literally beat the shit out of mom when I was in 5th or 6th (at one point we moved to a shelter for women and children in situations like mine)

beating my sister with a belt (sometimes to this day)

slapping her too

screamed at us if we (ever) touched or moved his stuff

calls me stupid for wanting to end my life at 12

Blows me on the phone with cuss words (probably was my fault for walking away from my supposed location at the end of school)

Also called me crazy (I was admitted to a hospital for having hallucinations and meltdowns)

I feel disrespected by this man, how dare you used my tragedies for your winning points of this stupid argument. You done way worse than mom dumbass mother fucker.

That is where I draw the line, I (for the first time confronting him, told him to stop this, how I was afraid of him, and how he break my fucking heart. I really loved him, but how he chose this path and made poor choices made me realize I had no hope for any redemption.

He tried to sugar coat things, and I questioned his love as a dad, and he said “I love you”, I told him that you don’t love me, are you?

He said he does and ask me to what he should do (like leaving the house, why are you asking me this?), I, dead ass, hissed that he can’t fix anything from the past and wanted to go to sleep (which was a lie because I want to be alone).

Whenever he hugged me, he doesn’t get the hint that I don’t want to be hugged (especially after what happened). Rn my mind is kinda foggy and feel like I pulled this out of my ass or something, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I feel trapped, and hide in my room for the rest of the week just to wait until my dad is gone to work.

Also didn’t sleep much, slept around 12 and woke up at 3 in the morning. I need to chat with someone, I don’t know what to do and I feel horrible about it. I want someone to tell me that I’m not going crazy.

All I ever wanted is this madness to stop, and a healthy relationship, but that’s wishful thinking.

[abiik]

@vhsgf replied to your post “this song made me realize i've never written about jason missing zoe”

heather this might be too forward and angsty of me to say (pls lmk if is) but now i am curious about zoe reacting to jason's death and then mirroring w jason coming back from the dead and then finding out his best friend is dead. like it sounds so PAINFUL but like. also i wanna know about it. heather what have you done i-

i had to put my hair up for this. im literally so emotional about this rn,,,like when am i not but STILL OKAY IT MAKES ME VERY [SCREECHES] (also a read more because this is fucking long im so sorry)

okay let’s start with zoe because jason’s death is a traumatic thing for her on like multiple points all relating back to when she was like elementary school aged (im pretty sure i have it where she’s like 8 ish when this happens). before jason and before going into the whole vigilante business – no matter what version of zoe you prefer – she loses her two younger brothers in a joker related accident. he kills them. and zoe… zoe is so,,, well she’s angry. because no one does anything. no one. not that fabled batman, not the police, not the fucking government – NOBODY. and she’s just supposed to keep living her life like everything is fucking fine because oh that’s just the way gotham is. and like why the fuck would she just keep living her life when her barely out of toddler aged little brothers are now dead?? why wouldn’t she want to do something about that?? why the fuck should she just let it roll off her back like no biggie?? (of course, this is a catalyst for her mother’s downward spiral and eventual disappearance, and then keme’s).

then of course, there’s zoe’s powers. at that age she didn’t really understand the extent of them, what she could do with them and all that, but as they develop and her own awareness of them develop, she is faced by like intense guilt and remorse. if only she’d been able to do something. if only she’d been there. if only she could’ve stopped the joker. if only, if only, if only. and like, realistically, there wasn’t much she could do. it wasn’t like she knew fully how strong she was; she’d barely gotten flying down at that point, but then she’s growing up and she realizes she never really had a limit. and she kind of has this complex, i’ve said it before but she really does try to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders, so everything that has happened to her up until this point after the twins die, it’s partly her fault; if only she could have been better, she could have saved them, she could have her mom, she could have keme – she could have her family back.

then, of course, there is in all of this her intense hatred of the joker. and by correlation to the whole fucking issue, gotham city and batman. (ive said that they kind of grow to like each other more, but when z and jay become friends and through their teen years until his death, it’s kind of like whenever youre gay and your bff is gay and you both kind of hate the other’s really fucked up parent who’s okay sometimes but isn’t all the time and you would totally like throw down with them if only there weren’t like,,,repercussions)

anyway, so when jason dies, it’s a big fucking deal. like he’d already been acting weird, bruce was worried about him, z was worried about him, and then he dies okay. and zoe… bruce doesn’t tell zoe right away. he doesn’t tell her and when zoe does find out, she. is. pissed. all of the shit with her baby brothers comes back. she wasn’t there. she wasn’t able to save him – because she sure as hell KNOWS that she could have at this point. and now he’s GONE. AND THIS ENTIRE TIME, SHE HAD NO FUCKING CLUE BECAUSE BRUCE DIDN’T TELL HER!!! she couldn’t even go to his funeral!!! and then, AND THEN, on fucking top of that – it was the joker who killed him. so jason’s death was like a fucking quadruple blow to her.

after finding out the details, zoe goes binary for the first time. and it’s… well it’s scary. it takes a whole lot of coaxing from old teammates and being physically restrained by diana (who lowkey is kinda like why?? are?? we?? stopping?? her?? from?? killing?? the?? joker??) and clark and donna, and they can’t even really knock her out because when she’s binary, there’s only really waiting out the duration of the high until she passes tf out from using too much energy. which she DOES and then after a good long talk with gran-gran, zoe’s going on a much needed retreat with diana to themyscira.

during that time, zoe’s super depressed. like reasonably, so. she’s so exhausted and she’s still angry but she’s also just like,,, so tired. she lost her best friend dude. like she loves jason so much, she loves him so much, and then he was just gone. poof! and at least, at least with atsa and ahiga, she got to like, be there for their send off. jason ends up being another hole in her life, like her dad and her mom and keme. he’s added to this list of people who all were just…g o n e. she didn’t get to mourn them. like obviously, she can, but every time she thinks about jason, she begins to spiral. (this is kind of when she starts drinking,,,, human alcohol can’t really touch her but she does therapeutically – which is!! not good!!) she also begins to distance herself – from jason’s titans (connor holds on with an iron grip and eddie still checks up on her, but rose was just as distraught and kyle is still kind of numb), from the original titans, from bruce and alfred, from diana, even from gran-gran and uncle bell. she fills the void with work as well as the alcohol that doesn’t really do anything to her except make her mouth taste gross and weird and she hates it but it’s become a habit. if she isn’t out doing some reckless thing while saving the world, then she’s at a bar or just sitting by the ocean.

she has bad dreams too, like horrible dreams. and like,,, they’re not necessarily horrific or anything,, she usually dreams about good times, memories with jason or with atsa and ahiga, sometimes some weird mixture of all three of them hanging out together and it’s the worst fucking thing because she wakes up and she wishes she was there too, that she could stay with them, because she misses them so much. she just wants her family back, she wants the family she had before jason and dick and alfred and the titans, but she also wants them too – she wants all of it.

and then it all comes to head with her dad’s sudden involvement with earth and shit. zoe sacrifices herself not only because she carries the fucking world on her shoulders and has a stupid martyr complex, but also because she thinks she’d be okay dying like this. she doesn’t. die that is. she doesn’t die but she also doesn’t come back.

jason’s revival story arc thing is all a bit murky for me bc I kind of like mix the whole waking up and clawing himself from his grave and also the under the red hood storyline (and like correct me if there is a version like that bc like,,, idk I can’t remember). anyway, so jason comes back, and like it’s kind of messy bc of timeline shit but he doesn’t really come back, come back, until z’s gone. like gone gone. like they held a funeral and everything for her. jason didn’t get to go and THAT is SHIT. like yeah, he wasn’t fucking alive, nobody fucking knows he’s alive anyway, but it still hurts.

and like,,, you know what else kind of hurts, is like he kind of thought that after he came back, if no one was on his side – if for some reason literally everyone was against him – he’d still have zoe. that’s the worst fucking part. he hears about what happened. he hears that she literally went ballistic. and like,, jason KNOWS that zoe would have his side, that zoe would be there for him, that even if she might not have agreed with some of the things he’s done, that she’d be right by his side, showing she cares. because like. like I know bruce is kind of stunted with emotional expression, but it’s really hard to feel like you’re appreciated when someone else’s love language is so fucking hard to translate, when you need constant validation, to be told you matter to be shown you matter to them and they can’t accommodate even a little bit, because of their pride or because they have to deem that you deserve it all of a sudden. and like I love bruce, but they way he treats his kids is shit. so yeah. jason feels hella alone when he comes back and his best friend, his rock, his ride or die (literally wfkejvnk) is fucking gone.

jason definitely has nightmares too. he doesn’t know how zoe died, like really know – no one does, because there hadn’t been a body. and jason’s mind can be a pretty dark place already, add on top of that the nightmares about his best friend dying the same way he did, or being like dick, who actually witnessed the explosion that ‘killed’ zoe. he can’t even fathom what zoe went through with his death, but eventually, as jason kind of comes back into the batfam and shit, he also kind of gets to be with the last of zoe’s family. gran-gran and uncle bell are much warmer than bruce wayne and that too big mansion and that cold fucking cave. jason goes to the ranch a lot, or finds himself at uncle bell’s antique shop whenever he needs a breather, to just be alone with something that close to zoe.

they literally both go through that period where they’re extremely reckless with mourning and regrets and fuck i never got to say this and fuck what could I have done differently, what could I have changed if I’d been there? but where jason is able to recover more effectively, zoe doesn’t do so well in space.

really, that song had triggered thoughts about jason going through her things, the things she left in his bedroom – that bruce refused to touch or move or anything – and just thinking back on their life together. it was definitely shorter than they expected and when jason thinks about it, it’s a whole bunch of salty anger and throat swelling sadness that has him kind of crippled. because like,,, he also knows how the twins died, he knows how it happened, not only did he have the firsthand accounts from those most effected, but also like, he read the reports. he KNOWS, and he feels kind of guilty, just a little bit, that what he did put her through a similar version to losing her baby brothers.

NREJKVNERLFEWLFJNEKR FUCK OKAY I THINK I NEED TO STOP LIKE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY JUST A BIG DUMB BUT BFJKERNFKJEN F   U   C   K  OKAY

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 14 (Finale) | “All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World” - Autumn

So I figured out that Amir does have the idol and Jakey originally had it that round... damn I wish I looked a little more but I just didn't think Jakey had it. So that probably means that Autumn is going this round, and then I just need to find a way to win this next challenge over Amir. I know Kendall and I will vote together next round regardless, so worst case scenario next round for me is that I am in some kind of fire-making challenge, but I at least see there being a good chance that me and Kendall could be sitting in FTC together, and I'm just hoping at this point that it's Augusto sitting there with us. P.S. In the event that I make FTC... I really hope I'm not seen as a goat. Like, I don't think I am, but I'm not sure how much respect I'll get for my game. I'm hoping people see how savvy I had to be to continuously work my way back up after a couple blindsides and being pushed to the bottom, but you never know with this jury / cast. P.P.S. Please no pressure cooker next round. I'm not ready to have to beat Amir THAT way.

So I'll count that as half of a success. I was at least able to help convince Amir to play the idol he told me about to flush that, and with Autumn safe, the next option was to do Adam. Knowing that if Autumn did have the merge idol, she probably wasn't playing it on Adam, this was the next best option. I need Kendall and Augusto around because those are the two I'd like to bring to FTC if I can make it there. It makes sense to take them to the end as our games are all very similar, so at least we aren't against a winner at the end. Part of me thinks that bringing Amir may not be the worst thing in the world given he has screwed over a decent bit of that jury, but also, I'd rather not take that risk.

So now that that's done and I'm cute and immune, I can confirm it all. Yes I do have the merge idol, yes I've had it since Final 7 but planned not to play it until Final 5, and yes that makes me the most powerful person here. Deadass everyone wants my head on a stick and I don't give a single fuck. I'm chilling all weekend, letting them think they're doing something if/when I lose win immunity, and then I'm sending a man out on one vote Monday night. You think they hate me now? Wait til they find out they can't take a shot at me until Final 4 lmaaaaoo. Be blessed! 

So Amir blames me for playing his idol... I think that's a win for me then, right?

I'm so glad I was able to take this challenge win! I needed to win this to guarantee I wasn't some kind of contingency plan. But now, it's about how can I guarantee a winner goes home. I've already kind of told Autumn she was in trouble (literally 0 point in lying to her about it) and have explained to both Kendall and Augusto that we should find a way to split the votes / guarantee that Autumn and Amir have no shot of working with one another and sending home one of the two people I want with me at FTC. I feel so close, yet so far away from the title of Sole Tumblr Survivor. I want this win so badly. I can't describe how much I want this win. I didn't come back just to have fun; I didn't come back just for maybe an ounce of redemption from Guyana, I came to win this mother-effer. I have at least a 25% shot at the moment, but I want to increase that number. 

Final 5... it's so insane honestly because I never expected this of myself but I've played my ASS off (literally, that's why I'm flatter than a table top) especially these past few rounds. I'm kinda shocked that the clear targets are Autumn/Amir/TJ just given I have been a force in the game (subtly ofc) so its def a gag... but yeah. TJ winning the immunity was WORST case scenario because I wanted to come for that man's neck SO bad but we'll just have to get him next time. Amir having the merge idol isn't a SHOCK but it was interesting to say the least like rip telling me that but both his idol plays are gonna be kinda useless which helps my case! I know that Autumn said me and Kendall have been up Amir's ass but first of all... i'm a bottom so I would never BUT also I feel I've held my own this entire game so it isn't my truth in the slightest but I'll just have to prove her, TJ, and the jurors wrong if I got to. I've gone from flop (16th in Bhutan, 17th in Great Lakes, 12th in Socotra) to the top (6th in Flops, 2nd in Seychelles) but I am trying to WIN and wear my deserved crown, it's time I won something yknow. 

Amir and I when my plan worked and NEITHER of us walked into jury yet again https://twitter.com/abridrakegraham/status/1222552252357005313 The kids HURTIN yall and I will 100% respect their privacy at this time. Like they really thought!!! They really thought they finally killed me and were probably singing ding dong the witch is dead all day and now look at em. They done lost the boy they all wanted to go to the end with, got severely played by me, AND still gotta see my face everyday. Someone check on Jordan Pines I wanna make sure he's not still holding his breath waiting for my demise. And I've teamed up with his other least favorite person? HOES MAD. But it's not just him- Kendall ready to fight Amir in PM's, TJ in his feelings on call during tribal, Augusto couldn't even find the words he was that shocked. It's all so glorious and I truly fucking love wrecking everyone's games. Amir was like I've never felt these emotions before/ this is one of the wildest moves I've ever been apart of and tbh I agree with Amir. This was batshit crazy but you know what the gag is? This is literally just another day in the mind of Autumn Hill Jury mad, the mayos mad, Augusto mad, and I'm literally on top on the world right now. Like I love Augusto yes but that move was the definition of powerful. Like it's not just playing an idol correctly. It's the fact that Amir came to me begging that I forgive him and that we work together again, I then agreed and admitted to having the idol to A WHOLE ASS WINNER, convinced Amir to tell the kids he had the idol, got everyone to feel super comfortable around me all night and day cause I knew "I was going," snapped in the tribe chat at 2:00 because I "just wanted people to be honest about voting me," got the kids to essentially then tell on themselves since they listed all the reasons why they were voting me, and then idoled out their king using his once closest ally. Liiiikkkee?? STIFF WHERE?? DEAD WHERE??? Bitch I'm playing to win ok I hope yall enjoying this master class I've put on cause I'm hanging it up after this. Unless yall get serious about having a TS version of Winners at War, then call me. But otherwise, yes I'm going ham because I have every intention of walking into the 2 time winners chat. I WANT TO ASCEND!!! So PSA: if my funeral is public knowledge, that means I ain't dying hahaha. Apparently everyone has nicknames for me and that might actually be my favorite part. Jakey calling the game Autumn's World all merge to the boys and TJ only referring to me as the Godmother?? iconic! You know I'd hate me too if I wasn't me, which is why I'm flattered by it all. They know damn well they're almost out of time to get rid of me and they've spent the entire fucking game hoping and wishing and praying and still can't pull it off. And them not targeting me out the gate like Jordan wanted has gotten soooo many people killed. But most importantly I have successfully played an idol now TWICE at Final 5.. And I sure did win back to back immunities at Final 4 and Final 3 in Crossroads so finding out this season has a final 2? Perfect let me dust off the blueprint real quick

 https://twitter.com/rcgersnatalia/status/1168071613763342336

okay im going to work my ass of to win this but autumn and tj have both claimed they can do this really well, so like basically, tj cannot win immunity, i need to win or i may be absolutely screwed https://66.media.tumblr.com/583667e85060a36a2cccb8551baa27d5/tumblr_inline_oh5slaYgdO1tr4u58_500.jpg but as of rn, i was going no matter what if i didnt win immunity, i tried to make a story to autumn and we called for like 3 hours and i did my damnest to sell that tj is the problem with everything that happened last round and that i was down to vote augusto for real until tj really sold the plan out to augusto and i didnt want to go to rocks, but i played the idol out of fear that augusto-kendall-tj would 3-2-1 me so she believed there is a true rift in the beauties right now and has more of a reason to hate tj she is so fucking smart so she may have sussed it out and went along with it, but im hoping it worked??? idek but she said if she wins immunity she'll idol me she did admit she has the idol to me but maybe because she knew i already knew

I just... do I even have words anymore? Like, time and time again, I'm getting screwed over and I just... it's a good underdog story now. I just have to win this next challenge. I guess regardless I had to win this next challenge, but also, I was really hoping to not have to have as much concern as I do right now.

What was that?? oh cause I thought the yts who can't successfully kill me had said something https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wux4HnZRY0 Another day, another body bag. THEY WERE SO SURE THEY HAD ME AHHHH I really have to laugh. Kendall was certain this was my funeral and I'm like nah baby it's yours. I'm still screaming that TJ would keep immunity for himself and let Kendall go to firemaking where she would 100% lose that's wild. Only for me to find out after that sis really was THE RAT??? Y'all set her up lmaaaooo. Now I really don't feel bad cause she ran from her karma long enough and if Amir had told me that shit before firemaking I really would've smoked her in the comp. Kendall had no business snitching to Jordan about an airtight unanimous vote and blowing up all her allies' games just to do right by an egom aniac. Then Jordan still died and she falls in love with his bestie boo TJ (he's playing you sis!!) who sensed she could die this round but didn't give a single fuck?? Absolute mess. She really got Devon, TJ, Amir, and Augusto to lie about it the whole game and they agreed because they knew if I ever find out the truth, I'd kill her on sight. Bitch I killed her anyway!!! So was it even worth it? Cause she still walked into jury but she got a better placement and a noble death, which miss Devon and Augusto cannot say. Too busy being lying https://media3.giphy.com/media/6DMfLQEhixGdW/source.gif I feel so affirmed though- every person who has come for me is either sitting in jury or is about to walk in. That's power- that's RANGE! Also I just wanna say to Devon while I'm here:  you really gave me all that grief for considering you could be the rat when you, Amir, and Augusto were in on it and protecting Kendall the whole time??? Fuck outta here. Like whose fault is it really that you died Devon? I wanna know. You mad at me and Amir when you need to be mad at yourself for picking the wrong girl, which is on brand for straight white men but y'all not ready to have that conversation. Anyway! Kendall trying to undermine me the ENTIRE merge and using all these men to do it only to still get killed by me in the end?? Fucking love that shit. All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World

https://66.media.tumblr.com/143402720bb2766ebe14eb1d657e2ca6/tumblr_inline_o8662rxDt11tr4u58_250.gifv

Me before the challenge https://peopletalk.ru/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/tumblr_n49eidw5Zk1rsrbdko1_500.gif 

Me after I went beast mode and embarrassed the men https://twitter.com/intoragnarok/status/1233477557565173762

I'm screaming at Amir asking me after if kept him strategically or out of loyalty and I'm like sis what do you think. I was not about to let the white knights get their way and give TJ the win all because he's a good car salesman. Like y'all should've seen that 1 hr plus discussion of TJ and Amir going back and forth on camera about who I have a better chance of beating and I'm just sitting there IMMUNE taking notes, knowing neither of them wanted this. The power that that has, the intelligence that that has, the clearance that that has, the access that that has. Amir and TJ planning to kill me and then being thwarted once again is arguably my two favorite storylines. TJ wanted to do this the ENTIRE MERGE and I never let him succeed. And Amir wanted to be the one to say he killed me cause he's Mr. Smith when I'm Mrs. Smith and my ass spared him and helped him several times. Now look at em, getting third and second. I made a joke at Final 5 that Amir and I are the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith and it's so true. I adore him as a person and I know he loves me too but we're not above killing each other. Hell we genuinely want to kill each other but time and time again we chose to kill everyone else instead lmao. 

So please enjoy this visual walkthrough of our wild ass partnership

(when we met at merge) https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/48/5e/3f485e53a56fb43c62c22c0790e8afd7.gif 

 (when we voted together at Final 11 and Final 10) https://media1.giphy.com/media/l3Ucho9gtq4b7SLok/source.gif 

 (when I caught Amir in a lie and killed Devon as retaliation but still wanted to work with Amir) https://media0.giphy.com/media/l3UcotueAJQAW0zjW/source.gif 

(when Amir killed Ali and Adam to piss me off) https://66.media.tumblr.com/eebc1dc0a509a652ea543aba82bcb1c5/tumblr_ojjk22iVXM1uhcmrao1_250.gifv 

(when Amir tried to get back in my good graces at Final 5) https://66.media.tumblr.com/3b157a36601820370897ace6673af493/tumblr_n17egq7Hdq1r7fawxo4_r3_250.gifv 

(when I agreed to the winners pact and got him to kill Augusto and Kendall with me) https://thumbs.gfycat.com/DefiniteVapidDogwoodtwigborer-size_restricted.gif 

 (when he kept trying me at Final 4 and Final 3/ saying he'd kill me) https://i.gifer.com/3lie.gif 

(when I snapped and took Amir to Final 2, like I said I would, and we both knew he'd lose beside me) https://66.media.tumblr.com/d1f3506fc873a7d2393d705a7f58065d/tumblr_mgooqovRHw1qkdoj2o1_500.gif

mood after everything that's happened and me making FTC again- we out here. Coming out of retirement has been good to me https://twitter.com/emrific/status/1235072497055227907

(final 4) oh dear me this one is a tuffyyyy wuffyyy.... okay okay. so its f4, tj thinks im voting with him and kendall to vote autumn. Autumn thinks im voting with her against kendall to make it firemaking. basically, i was originally gonna vote autumn, and i told autumn and she was like fk no so i told her im convinced but i am STILL UNSURE So if I vote kendall: autumn has to win fire making which like statistically i do not see kendall beating autumn, but then tj takes me to final 2 over autumn, and autumn will take me to final 2 over tj, she also threatened to make jury hate me if I cut her now which doesn’t really scare me tbh if I’m next to kendall anyway, but regardless of that threat, me going with tj and autumn gives me a 66% chance of winning this game. If me or Tj win final immunity, I think I win this game. If Autumn wins, then uhhhhggg she will probs take me but like we will thee i just hope she doesnt win final immunity If I vote autumn: me or kendall have to win final immunity, because if tj wins, then I’m getting third place, and kendall would probably take tj as well, so like, yeah i would beat them both at the end but i would be putting myself in a position where i have to win immunity but idk . i think voting kendall is better as i type dis

final 3 oh my gooooodddd, the fact that i am here is so surreal 2 me, and idk idk this immunity is gonna be the deciding factor of my game and im so nervous but also happy and proud of myself however this game turns out. hoyoyoyooyoy

SO MISSS AUTUMN JUST UHHHHHHHH wooped me arse in immunity and me and Tj had to PLEAD for ourlives but she ended up TAKING MEEEEEEEEE so partyyy Honslee tho, while this is gonna make winning 90x times harder, I am pretty happy to be sitting next to Autumn cuz our end game mr. and mrs. smith alliance is highkey iconic af ewnfewkjfnewkjnf like we killed each others allies and somehow have been aligned since early merge and I lied to her and somehow we always came back and protected each other and if i don't win im happy she will <3 but with that said, i gotta take her DOOOWNNN

AUTUMN WINS 8-1

[thebiggestashole]

welp,, i have been tagged by @impossiblerebelblaze​ to answer questions so uh here i go i guess

Also i tried to not put in a giant paragraph but now the post is really long so uh

LAST:


[1] drink: A bottle of water


[2] phone call: Uh... It's been a long time since i called someone, but i accidentally pressed the "call" button and called my friend Kémy. Does that count?


[3] text message: My friend Kémy. (I accidentally called her when i just wanted to text her btw)


[4] song you listened to: Reol - Gokusaishiki cos i'm a weeeeeb


[5] time you cried: A few hours ago as I was playing Zelda : Breath of the wild. NOW, before you judge me, this game is very pretty. And i ju st-lOOK AT T HA T S K Y D DU DE AGH

[6] dated someone twice: I never dated anyone so eh

[7] been cheated on: again, never dated so this never happened


[8] kissed someone and regretted it: I never kissed anyone either,, ha

[9] lost someone special: Not really, no. 


[10] been depressed: No, no Professional ever told me i have depression so i'd rather not say i've been depressed. The past few days have been sad and stressful tho.


[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: I never got drunk, i'm not even old enough

 LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:


[12] Dark blue


[13] Red


[14] Pastel pink

 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…


[15] made new friends: Yup! *blows kisses at discord servers* 


[16] fallen out of love: my french ass doesnt understand this one,, ah... I
assume it means to stop loving someone? If then... Well... It's complicated, even i don't really know.

[17] laughed until you cried: Yes, so many times,, *again, smooches discord servers* i think i CANT not cry when i laugh heh


[18] found out someone was talking about you: There was this one girl who was saying mean things, but we're starting to be friends.


[19] met someone who changed you: Well... Maybe not changed me, but definitely the way i see the world, i'm thinking about most people i met on tumblr for example. 


[20] found out who your true friends are: "true friends"? What? All friends are true friends...? I mean,i love all of my friends equally.


[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: Again, I never kissed anyone.

 [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Well, all my Facebook friends are people i met irl. I think there's only two i never met IRL. 


[23] how many pets do you have: 3 : A cat (Haribo) and two axolots (Trico and Till) My rabbit died at the end of last year... I'm still kinda sad about it, but also happy in a way cos he lived for a long time and i know he was happy. 


[24] do you want to change your name: Nah. I mean it's not the best but i dont want to change it. 


[25] what did you do for your last birthday: Nothing special. My bros just came over and we ate a cake together.


[26] what time did you wake up: 8AM, by English teacher wasnt here so school started late! I got to sleep!! 


[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping, for once. 


[28] name something you cannot wait for: Anti's comeback!! 


[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: About 30 seconds ago, she just came in my room to take some candies. 


[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I want to do something big... Wow i sound so modest... No but, I'd love to write a book that becomes famous! Or i'd love to go to space!! YES!! SPACE!!!!!!


[31] what are you listening to right now: Some japanese song id never be able to read the name heh. All I know is that its by MASA and its awesome.


[32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: There are two Toms in my school actually, i've talked to both of em. One of em is in my class. Both are nice dudes but not really friends. Just like... Dudes from my school, we talk to eachother if we HAVE to.


[33] something that is getting on your nerves: My fucking fringe thats blocking my eye im too lazy to cut it buT I CANT FUC KING SEE ANYTHING

 YOUR…


[34] most visited website: Tumblr. Who is surprised tbh?


[35] elementary: Assholes teachers but i met some friends i still have today so thats nice?


[36] high school: Still not there, but I'm going the same place as my other friends.


[37] college: i have no idea my dude bro pal


[38] hair color: Naturally light Brown but i recently dyed it blue. funny thing : since i dyed it its been raining NONSTOP where i live. I think dying my hair gave me water rain hair power heh


[39] long or short hair: VERY long. I never ever cut my hair, my friends tell me i have rapunzel hair.


[40] do you have a crush on someone: I... May or may not have a crush on my best friend and i hate it cos she already has a boyfriend ha


[41] what do you like about yourself?: I think i look cute.


[42] nickname: The one people use the most (and its my name on every website) : Ninis. But Ive been called Ananas (yes this means pineapple) and on discord I am Gerald cos i'm the roundest and the cutest (and the saltiest)


[43] blood type: O-


[44] piercings: I dont have any and not planning on getting any tbh. I think they are very pretty, but thinking about a hole in my flesh just makes me feel weird, heh


[45] relationship status: Single. *lays on table* Ladies~...!! *tabLE BEAKS*


[46] zodiac sign: Sagittarius


[47] pronouns: She/her


[48] fav tv show: I wouldnt be a cringy tumblr kid if i wasnt obsessed with Doctor Who (I mean, now i Watch it casually but if you ever saw me in my dw phase last year... I'm sorry holy shit) 


[49] tattoos: Dont have any and not planning on getting any.


[50] left or right handed: right handed. I only use my left hand to eat sdjhdghs

 FIRST…


[51] piercing: Dont have any


[52] surgery: never had one


[53] best friend: a girl from school called Ludivine, we met when i was 3 i think. Now she's a bitch heh


[54] sport: Dance, i started when i was 5 and stopped 2 years after i think. I was really flexible. I still am a bit, but i need to stop being lazy and start doing some activities again.


[55] vacation: I think i went to spain with my parents and my brother.


[56] pair of trainers: i am a very confused french rn

 RIGHT NOW:


[57] eating: nuggets


[58] drinking: soda (dont mind the me from 3 month ago who said "IM FINALLY STOPPING DRINKING GARBAGE")


[59] I’m about to: take a shower, i'm a smelly boi


[60] listening to: Doomsday's theme and i'm totally not crying


[61] waiting for: Nothing.


[62] want: to sleep instead of going to school tomorrow 


[63] get married: eeeeh no thanks


[64] career: salty bitch 24/7™

 WHICH IS BETTER…


[65] hugs or kisses: again, i never kissed anyone, so hugs.

[66] lips or eyes: I'm gonna go with eyes, but i admit i often stare at my crush's lips, heh... 


[67] shorter or taller: I've always been used to be the younger cos i spend a lot of my times with adults or just older people and most of em are tall so... Sorry short friendz you're cool too


[68] older or younger: For some reason, i'm uncomfortable around people who are younger than me? So ill go with older. 


[69] spontaneous or romantic: Ive never been in couple, but i think i would like a romantic gal 


[70] nice arms or nice stomach: strong arms to punch me in the fucking face, yess

[71] sensitive or loud: I think I'm sensitive but,, my friends say i'm very loud?? *waves at discord servers*


[72] hook up or relationship: relationship


[73] troublemaker or hesitant: well, both have their good and bad sides but... Because I'm hesitant I like to be friends with troublemakers so we can balance things out. And so we can live things like a bad cliché movie.

 HAVE YOU EVER…


[74] kissed a stranger? I never kissed anyone.


[75] drank hard liquor? Nope, never.


[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? I
lost my glasses only ONCE and never lost them EVER again.

[77] turned someone down: You know when dudes will come to you saying "hey do you want to go out with x?" like its a shame to go out with you? Well thats the only time i turned down people. Never rudely tho. Exept last time it happened, cos i was mad so i went "No, he's as ugly as an ass"


[78] sex on first date? Never had sex, never had a date. 


[79] broken someone’s heart? I don't think so... I dont see why i wouldve.


[80] had your own heart broken? The day I realised i had NO chance to get my crush to love me, but i got over it quickly.

[81] been arrested? Nah, i'm too much of a sensitive boi to do anything illegal sjkhskjh


[82] cried when someone died? Only when it was someone from my family. Or my rabbit. 


[83] fallen for a friend: Eyyyyyyup

 DO YOU BELIEVE IN…


[84] yourself? Yeah


[85] miracles? I don't really know? I think everything happens for a reason and every action has a consequence but who knows.


[86] love at first sight? Never happened to me, but i think it can happen.


[87] santa claus? well duh


[88] kiss on the first date? eeeeh i think first date is a bit early


[89] angels? yes

 OTHER…


[90] current best friend’s name: Elisa!


[91] eye color: Blue


[92] favourite movie: aaa tough choice... I really like Nightmare on Elm street...?

WELL that was very long. Why did you read all of this? Why would you loose so much time? Well y'know what? If you read all of this, i tag YOU.

[survivor-mindoro]

Ep: 1- “I don’t trust my own partner.” ~ Karen

OKAY FIRST CONFESSIONAL IM LAUGHING SO HARD AT THE POST SAYING WE BONDED U GUYS BEING SARCASTIC ALREADY HAHAHAHAHAHA no but fr i love karen but HaHAHA what a twist bc opposite sides last go around

Can't believe I woke up in head. Head same my autocorrect is a Christian  Hell*

d736163d DO WE HAVE TRIBES WHAT IS THIS

I'm shook that Julia is my partner I'm just blesst that it wasn't Kevin sjdbsjsvwjen whew!!! I think I can work well with Julia

FIRST GAME MOVE WAS SPENDING HALF AN HOUR ADDING EVERYONES DUO TO THEIR SKYPE NAME

AHHHH! it's such an interesting idea and bvw is so cool. i love being able to play with someone i know. these people seem really cool. hopefully i'm not first boot.

what what what up guys I'm back at it again with the white mans!!! me and my loved one are totally gonna rock this game(hopefully). he lives like 50 bajillion miles away so its gonna be hard communicating because of this little thing called "time zones" like who even invented those??? probably the Portuguese(s/o to mom). anyway I'm excited to play but I only wish it was Duncan..... how dare you for hosting!!!

I literally can't. These puzzles are so fucking hard like they are actually spawns of satan. SATANIC!!! I really wish i could talk to the other people more ...

Tag Yourself I'm Ricky not talking to anybody and putting me at risk of being a first boot even though I'm being social af

Whew so I feel like this tribal isn’t gonna end well. me and sydney have both been really busy so I don’t know how social we’ve been. Im hoping the people we have talked to will keep us safe but I have no idea what will happen.

abbey is my fave host

There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for this women.  I would even take off my clothes and give her a private show to the tunes of her soul because she's all that I need and more.  I would give birth to 10 of her children without using any drugs to help ease the pain and then I would give her one more just because our love is that insane.  There is not one thing that I would not do for my lover, my best friend, my honey, my Boo.  I can’t wait to meet her.

no one is PLAYING!!! NO ONE!!! It's annoying. Currently I'm just trying to pull together a five but that's providing to be difficult

So exactly what I thought was going to happen :D Happened Nicolas is targeting me for personal reasons and I can't do anything without this community literally shitting on my whole being I JUST SIGNED UP TO HAVE FUN

so much confusion

Cant wait to leave the game tonight!

When Karemom comes in clutch and makes an alliance chat to gather votes to help you stay? What a mommy. She's so nice I almost feel bad I had to tell Connor about her putting his name out to get the ball moving on him spilling tea that Julia was trying to turn the tables against me. But it worked out well. I'll write this in a more organized confessional in a bit

Um so this vote is messy as hell. I think the final decision is that Nic/Sydney will be getting voted out tonight but this is Survivor and anything could happen. I pray that Ricky and I survive this week

So, first things first Zack keeps saying he is writing cute things about me in his confessional so maybe I should do the same.....but I want to talk about my gameplay I don't want to talk about him so tough luck for him whoops. So coming into this game I have a sneaking suspicion that some people did not like me, but did I really think Julia and Nicolas could try to turn the tables on me that quick? No. I did not. But, it's alright. I had a few tricks up my sleeve to help me stay, or so I hope. I told Connor about Karen throwing his name out and he told me about Julia and Nicolas (I'm not even gonna bad mouth Sydney ever she is too sweet) throwing out mine. So, I went to Karen and told her what her partner was doing and we devised a plan to get Nic and Syd out while I solidified my alliance with Luke

I feel safe tonight, but I really have Mitch to thank for that. I feel like he will be a powerhouse in challenges. If I know anything about him, it's that if he can win, he will, and he usually can. So while I feel safe from the vote tonight I know that won't last forever. Unfortunately I've being hearing rumors that Nicholas and Sydney are getting voted off tonight OF COURSE because Nicholas and I seemed to be getting along. After tribal I really have to start thinking about my social game, because so far it's off to a slow start. But having immunity this round gives me more time, at least I hope anyway.

[4:57:37 PM] Karen :~): Kill me btw [4:57:43 PM] Karen :~): I'm literally [4:57:47 PM] Karen :~): This is so messy [4:57:55 PM] Karen :~): I don't trust my own partner [4:57:59 PM] Karen :~): Can y'all believe [4:58:56 PM] Camilla: i can because y'all didn't choose each other [4:59:00 PM] Camilla: hehe [4:59:13 PM] Camilla: what's going on, Karen? [4:59:17 PM] Camilla: i literally have no idea [4:59:36 PM] Karen :~): So at first I said that I'd wouldn't mind voting out Connor [4:59:58 PM] Karen :~): And someone's snake ass told him so he was ready to snatch me this morning [5:00:09 PM] Karen :~): And apparently I'm the one who suggested nic so [5:00:15 PM] Karen :~): Nic is coming for me [5:00:41 PM] Karen :~): And of course I'm suddenly a leader bc no one wants to take that role [5:04:02 PM] Camilla: i'm very sorry [5:04:07 PM] Camilla: people suck [5:04:25 PM] Karen :~): Tea

First off Karen like wtf? Does she want to be an early boot? Like everyone just listens to her and whatever she says goes. I'm targeting her without a doubt Connor is blowing up his own game and the game has hardly started

Hey y’alllll, so i’ve been super busy this weekend, but I’m so happy I got cast, I look forward to getting to know everyone, but I also know that I am socially pretty set in this game. I know a lot of people here so that’s super lit. Pat, Luke, and my mother Karen are here, so this is just great so far. And me and Danny shouldn’t be going!!!!

sooo I haven't been able to be on because I kinda was camping in the middle of nowhere this weekend!! But there are some friendly faces and people that dan know so I'm not too worried about elimination and I think me and dan can have some good alliances! I'm hopeful for this game and the weeks to come!! Kisses!!!

Hey everyone how's it going I'm back with my friend Kyla and we won immunity and I just got Pokémon Sun and Moon so I'm making a very short confessional because this game is my life rn. Today's candle is Vanilla Cardamom.

So everything is going well! Talking to a lot of people and getting to know everyone. I like Ting Ting and Seamus, they seem cool so far. They are already friends with Connor so that basically made that go off to a good start. I think for right now I am just going to ride it out and see how far I can float until I really have to get my hands dirty.