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whatifxwereyou · 4 years ago

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The Oncoming Storm Part 18: Nemuri Hime

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

Kung Lao gets serious. But forgets to tell you all the important things. Boy, he's good at talking. Lol. Hope you guys are still loving the Lao time! Liu will be back soonish. Planned out his whole part last night and then the future. Question! Are you guys READY for the choice or do you want it drawn out more? Also, for the future of this tumblr, is anyone interested in oc x reader stuff? I have so many ideas that I have never shared Lol. Anyway, thanks for reading. Much love. Update Sunday!

Part 17 Part 19 Chapter Index

��They’re going to have someone in there keeping an eye out now.” Kung Lao kicked a loose stone on the walkway, arms folded over his chest. “So much for that idea.”

“For now. We weren’t getting anywhere anyway.” You were still in wonder that any of that had happened. It felt like a fever dream. Your whole life kind of felt like a fever dream now. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it isn’t in there. I tried to trust the vision and my gut, but it led us in circles. Nothing looked the same as it did back then.”

“Why would it lead you there otherwise? Maybe this shrine has changed more over the years than we thought.”

“You think so?” You furrowed your brow. He had pushed you like you’d been doing something wrong for a small moment inside the shrine but there he was, preaching his belief in you. It’d been easy to escape the frustration of not knowing where you were going with all that had happened in the shrine, but it was back in full force now. You were grateful to Kung Lao for not making it weird, but it was also a little weird to act like it hadn’t happened. You had a feeling that he knew exactly what he was doing.

“I trust your gut, Y/N.” He shrugged as if it were nothing. That was nice. You weren’t sure anyone trusted you those days so to hear it put so plainly as if it were no big deal was wonderful. “Let’s take a walk and rethink our strategy.” Together you walked around the shrine and along the path slowly, making your way toward the volcanic cauldrons.

Some were surrounded by posts and signs, expressing what they represented and why the water was the way that it was, but you didn’t stop to try and read any of them. Many of the cauldrons had small statues lined up surrounding their edge, placed there for prayer. You didn’t speak much. It seemed that rethinking your strategy was mostly just thinking. You were okay with that. Your head was still buzzing.

It was important to try and clear the fog from your mind. Between the disorientation of this place being so different from the vision in your head and then everything with Kung Lao, you were dizzy. You stopped before one of the cauldrons and Kung Lao read the sign above it.

“One of the hells of Mount Osore…” He was not good at silence, it turned out. He hadn’t been when you were younger either. You’d asked him once back then and he’d said silence was too loud. The dizziness became a buzzing, and the buzzing became darkness. You thought that you’d drifted to sleep to the hum of Kung Lao’s voice.

When you opened your eyes again, you gasped for breath. Your lungs were on fire, as though you had been deprived of oxygen for too long, as if invisible hands had reached into your chest and grasped your lungs to force all the air out. You lost your footing and stumbled forward but before you fell, Kung Lao had his arms around your middle and was pulling you back to him with a forceful yank. You lost your balance and collapsed into him, grasping his arms in surprise with a yelp. He held you upright.

“What the hell, Y/N? You can’t just do that!” He scolded. You gasped to refill your sore lungs and the ache began to fade. You weren’t where you’d been when you’d been listening to Kung Lao but you recognized the place immediately. It was the lake of blood from your vision. You turned in his arms to apologize but the words didn’t come. How did that happen? How had it happened? His expression went from frustration to concern quickly. You wanted to ask what happened, you wanted to ask him how you’d gotten there, but in your mind’s eye, you could see your body falling into that pool and the horned creature staring over you as you drowned beneath the red water.

You shuddered and covered your mouth. Maybe Raiden was right. It hadn’t felt like there was a shadow hanging over you until then when your body had moved beyond your control.

“Y/N, did you hear me?”

“What happened? What are you talking about? What did I do?” The words came out extremely fast, all at once almost. Bless Kung Lao for understanding a word of it.

“I was reading about that cauldron over there.” He gestured down the path. It seemed so distant now but that was the last thing you remembered. “And you walked away. I followed you and you stepped up and just went to jump right in. Right into the blood lake. Didn’t respond to me when I called you.” He tried to joke but there was an underlying concern that neither one of you could shake. “If you wanted to take a dip, Y/N, then you just had to say so. There’s those bathhouses.”

“No, no Kung Lao. I… I’m confused, that’s all. I don’t remember coming here. I closed my eyes to listen to you talk.” His low and deep voice was soothing, but you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that right now. “Then I felt like I was falling, and I couldn’t breathe. Then you and… here we are.” You gestured to his arms that still held you and you felt his fingers sink a bit further into the clothing at your waist as if that would protect you somehow.

“You really don’t remember walking up to the creepy blood lake and almost throwing yourself in?” His face was flooded with concern. You shook your head no. “Okay.”

“You believe me?”

“Of course I do, Y/N. You’re white as a ghost. Why would you lie about something like that? Also, you’re terrible at lying.”

“Thank you?” You couldn’t decide if that was a dig or not.

“Okay.” He exhaled and you watched his face contort as his tongue ran over his teeth. “In that case no more wandering away from me. You stay with me at all times. Got it? We tell Raiden as soon as we can.”

“Okay except that I don’t remember wandering away from you, Kung Lao. You were reading and then…”

“What do you think caused this?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. Honestly, afterward I saw this part in my vision. I’d been choking on ink but in my head, I was drowning.” You pointed toward the red volcanic cauldron. “In there. And I could see that creature. He was watching me. I… I thought it was just my brain interpreting the ink in my throat but… what if… Raiden’s right?”

“You doubted that Raiden was right?”

“This has been a lot, Kung Lao. Accepting it all at face value is difficult.” You responded somewhat defensively.

Kung Lao finally let you go and turned away. He pulled off his hat, pushed back his hair, and then cursed. That would have been funny had you not still been coping with almost drowning because your body had decided to try to kill you. “Okay. We’ll deal with that as we go. I’m changing the subject now because I’m not sure how to process what you just did without talking to Raiden.”

“Smart. Avoiding the problem. Like it.” You were happy to go back to thinking about literally anything else. Up until now you’d handled all this nonsense with relative poise. You’d like to keep it that way.

“Let’s discuss strategy. What do you remember from your vision about the room where this artifact is supposed to be?”

“There was a well. The creature placed something inside of it and I heard this horrible ringing in my head. It was… sad?” It was difficult to describe a ringing as having emotion, but it had been sad. You’d had the distinct feeling that it was sad.

“Back up. What about the well? There was no well in that room. In fact, the whole shrine is elevated. There was a step down in the back for dining, maybe? Could the well have been in that area?”

“I think the floor of the shrine used to be level with the ground. Maybe they built over it? I read that it was abandoned here for some time.”

“That’s a very distinct possibility. Great. Now we get to desecrate a holy place. Loving this more by the second.”

“Or we can hope there’s a hatch above the old well or a way to get beneath the shrine without destroying it.”

“There are way too many people here for us to search that thoroughly without being caught.”

“You’re right. We need privacy.”

“And I’m all out of excuses, honestly.”

“The excuse you came up with earlier only really works the one time before it becomes incredibly suspicious.” You felt your face flush despite yourself. Kung Lao stood just behind you and bent over to be closer. You could feel the smirk on his face.

“You kissed me back so… didn’t feel like much of a lie.” He made a kissy sound near your ear and you tilted away and swatted at him.

“Stay focused, Kung Lao! So, we spend the rest of the day and then pretend to leave ahead of everyone. Then we can sneak in after the monks are at rest, right? Hopefully, we find an easy way to get to where we need to go.”

“That’s as good a plan as any.” Kung Lao began to lead you away from the volcanic cauldrons and you were grateful. The air was thicker there and, quite honestly, the more distance between you and the blood lake the better. “And if we’re caught tearing up the floor of the shrine in the middle of the night, then I’m pretty sure that no amount of making out will get us out of it without getting into trouble.”

“If we’re caught then we could try to be honest about it like I wanted to be in the first place.” You stuck your tongue out at him. “You could try it every so often. It works.”

“Wow.” Kung Lao sounded truly insulted but also laughed as if surprised you had the audacity. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Let’s just talk like adults for a few seconds. I’m not that little girl that you teased all the time. You don’t have to come up with crazy fake-date schemes. Hell, I’m surprised that you didn’t say we could only afford one room at this point.”

“Oh.” He straightened his posture and furrowed his brow. You nodded as if to confirm that he was far more obvious than he thought he was. “Does it really bother you?”

“Bother is a strong word, Kung Lao. Sometimes you’re just… all over the place. You go from pushing me too hard to not listening to me to having unwavering faith in me. Sometimes in a span of like ten minutes. I don’t mind the teasing, honestly, but it’s difficult to focus when I can’t tell what’s going on with you.”

“Okay.” He puffed up his cheeks as he thought and then exhaled deeply. “So, I don’t quite know how to act around you.” You were genuinely surprised that he was speaking so candidly. You’d expected him to laugh it off and move on. He didn’t.

“Why? I only expect you to be yourself.”

“I know. That’s not on you. I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“You don’t always act like there’s a whole lot going on in there.”

“Wow.” He winced.

“Sorry, it was easy. I get it though. I have a lot on my mind too, but you are all over the place since you got back. You tease me like we’re kids, then you flirt with me like we’re very much not kids, then you push me when I tell you that I can’t be pushed anymore. It is a rollercoaster spending time with you.”

“I guess I didn’t realize I was so all over the place.” He laughed and you walked together again. The further you were from the cauldrons the better you felt. “It’s funny. I’m still a little shocked that you’re here with me. Little Y/N. My Y/N. Weirder than that is that you are the person I found peace in when I returned home to clear my mind. I never thought I’d see you again. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you.” He avoided your eyes, and you got the chills but refused to shake them off. Him speaking so fondly of you in such a serious tone was freaking you out. These were things that you probably should have talked about far sooner. Instead, it felt as though he’d gone into some weird unspoken competition with Liu Kang for your attention. It wasn’t a competition. You just wanted to talk to him. “Your hair threw me off, I think. You didn’t keep it white. Same face now that I know. Cheeks aren’t so chubby anymore, though.” He pinched your cheek playfully and you scrunched up your face and swatted his hand away.

“I… didn’t recognize you either and you came into my store at least a dozen times over the last couple years. And the dojo just as many. I remember you fondly. You were always very kind with the students. And you look way different, I mean I can still see it, but you had these… dimples as a kid.” You poked the sides of your mouth. “They were so deep then. You still have them but they’re much more subtle.” It was funny. Something about his honesty cleared the air at least for the time being. “Also, I thought you were dead. So, I never considered I’d see you again.”

“You would have been crazy to have guessed it was me.”

“Sometimes I think that I have gone completely crazy and I’m in a hospital somewhere. That this is all an elaborate fantasy that my mind has conjured up to help cope with my madness.”

“I could see that.”

“What? The wild improbability of the truth?”

“No. You being in a nuthouse somewhere.”

You laughed and shoved his shoulder. He nudged you in return. “Some things don’t change, I guess.”

“I defaulted to sarcasm with you. Being together reminds me of when life was simpler. It’s easy to joke and get carried away but I understand that there is also distance with time and age and that this is extremely complicated. And that we haven’t talked about it. Talking about this kind of stuff makes me feel… uncomfortable.”

“What? No. I couldn’t tell.” You walked peacefully along the stone path. Across the way the monks were giving a demonstration and others were setting up tables for a meal near the white beach.

“Can I confess something?” He led you off the stone and down onto the white sand that bordered the beautiful, but absolutely artificial looking, lake. He offered you his hand to help you down and you took it. He didn’t let go of it as you walked together. Fun new game again: fake date or Kung Lao being affectionate? Your brain hated this game. Your heart hated it even more.

“That depends. Is it appropriate to say? Will I smack you when you make this confession? Will you be getting smacked and are you ready to risk being smacked?”

“Maybe. It’s hard to gauge how grown-up Y/N will react to most things.”

“Go ahead, Kung Lao. I’ll try not to smack you but no promises.”

“I uh…” He hesitated and then let go of your hand in favor of grasping the air in front of him as if trying to reach for the words to say what was on his mind. “I hate that you have the dragon mark.” You stopped in your tracks and Kung Lao stopped with you. Of all the things you’d expected, it hadn’t been that.

“What?”

“Yeah. Little Y/N. The girl with the gift, mom called you. You had enough problems. Now you’re here. A warrior chosen to fight for earthrealm alongside me and a bunch of other misfits with the same mark. Lost your home. Your life.”

“I could see your logic, Kung Lao, but I’m tough.” Your heart was racing again. Was this serious conversation better or worse than the rollercoaster ride that was Kung Lao? You couldn’t decide.

“Yeah, Liu showed me the bruises you’d left on him. I was a little impressed. However, you, just moments ago I might add, unconsciously almost drowned yourself in a lake of blood. Went completely gray, weren’t breathing, just walked over and almost threw yourself in.”

“Yeah, that is concerning.” He was right. The dragon marking and your arcana had awoken things within you that were beyond anyone’s control, especially yours. You were scared. You couldn’t imagine how it had to have felt to be watching it happen to someone you cared about. “You know, Lao, it’s probably not actually blood. I’d guess it’s algae making the water red…” You tried to joke but it was a feeble attempt. Kung Lao didn’t even smile.

“That’s not the point.”

You stepped in front of him and offered him a tired and forced smile. “I don’t regret where I’ve wound up, Kung Lao.” It was your turn to speak honestly. To say things that you’d meant to say and had been afraid to say for a long time. You’d kept waiting for the ‘right time’ but the time would never be right. “I’m terrified.” You searched around them just to make sure no one was close enough to overhear. “I killed people, Kung Lao. I never thought I’d be capable of such a thing. My dojo? My shop? They’re gone. I probably won’t see my family ever again or any of the people I associated with home. That life is gone. It scares me. Everything I knew is… being unlearned and relearned. At the same time? I feel like this is where I’m meant to be.”

“Yeah. You didn’t really get to process much of that, did you? Just went straight to studying and training with Liu Kang.” Kung Lao sounded almost bitter. You hadn’t thought about it that way. Liu Kang had been a beacon of comfort to you but was that healthy? Maybe some of what had escalated your whatever-it-was you were had something to do with your sudden lack of control. You were attracted to him, sure, in a crazy way even, but you were also vulnerable. Maybe the attachment between you had gone from big to huge because of it. You felt guilty. Liu. Oh, no. You’d kissed Kung Lao. Not just kissed him but kissed him. Things were instantly that much more complicated and messy. You had to talk to Liu. You had to sort out your thoughts. You had to do the same with Kung Lao. But you didn’t know how and just kept kissing them. It wasn’t like you’d ever been good at romance.

“It’s been difficult. But also surreal. Easy to forget some of it.”

“I get it. Really, I do. Because I’m not done confessing things yet.” He still sounded uncomfortable but urged his hand to your back and continued your walk. “I’m also super grateful that you have the dragon mark.”

“Well, that’s conflicting as hell. I’m having a hard time processing that.”

“I never would have gotten to know who you were or get to know you again at all without the mark. It’s brought me closure, in a way. I never thought I’d see you again.” You walked in silence and you felt your eyes burn just enough with tears that you thought talking was a mistake. You breathed through the sudden urge to cry until it faded.

“I’d like to state for the record, that you being this serious is freaking me out a little.”

“It’s been known to happen now and again.” He bowed his head politely to you after tucking his hat beneath his arm. “I’m sorry that I’ve been weird since I got back.”

“It’s okay, Kung Lao. This has been difficult.”

“Y/N?” He started, as though he had something important to say. He hesitated then exhaled and replaced his hat back on his head, tucking the strap under his chin. “Let’s keep walking.” He turned away and did just that as though he’d said nothing at all. There was clearly something on his mind that must have been difficult to share. You caught up to him.

“What aren’t you saying?”

He turned to you and searched your face with a glint of worry that faded so fast you weren’t sure if you’d imagined it or not. Then he smiled.

“I’m starving. That’s what I’m not saying. The sun is going to set anytime now and they’re setting up food so we should grab some.” He started back across the sand. You grasped his hand and pulled him back. That was not what he’d struggled to say.

“Lao, really. You can talk to me.”

“I know, Y/N.” He smiled so you let go of his hand. Whatever it was, he wasn’t ready to talk about it and who were you to say he should be? “Let’s get some food. You’re still gray so I’d like to see you eat.” If nothing else, he at least seemed less all over the place. What were you going to do? You didn’t know so you couldn’t think about it right now. You’d take everything one step at a time. It was all you could do.

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nythberryy · 4 years ago

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Hold Me Tight (Erwin x fem!Reader)

I wrote an Attack on Titan fanfiction (oneshot) in which Erwin Smith is a real gentleman.

Words: 2955

Warning:

The story contains 18+ scenes and builds up slow.

-They'd known each other for a long time, yet none of them confessed until that rainy night.-

It starts a bit sad, but trust me, it ends well. 💞

It's my first story written in English, so I apologize for grammatical mistakes and cringe writing.

I hope you’ll still find it enjoyable. 💞

(I also posted it on ao3. You can find me there as: NythBerry)

Thank you for your time!✨

September was usually gilded by the last sunbeams of summer, however that day was colder than usual. As clouds gathered, the sky turned grey. Raindrops began to knock on the red tile roof just to then fall and soak the ground. It was raining all day without a break. Everyone from the city struggled to get through the mud. The carts couldn't fight it, the horses neighed as they tried to push forward. Wooden wheels crackled, some even broke in two.

A tall man walked into the guesthouse. Water was slowly dripping from his clothes. With each step he made, he left a puddle on the freshly washed floor. (Y/N) recognized him in a blink of an eye though his face was covered by the green hood he was wearing. He stopped at the counter and revealed his face. His blonde hair, that was always slicked back nicely, now was a mess. Wet strands fell on his forehead.

(Y/N) put down the mop and wiped her hands to greet the man. "Erwin!"

"Good evening, (Y/N)! I'd like to book a room for tonight."

"What happened to your trousers?" it was covered in mud to the knee "Is it that bad outside?"

"It's raining quite heavily" he said "I don't think I would be able to go back tomorrow."

"I'll prepare a room for you. Just sit down please. There's no one here anyway, except an elderly couple upstairs. Do you want to drink something warm? Tea maybe?"

"Tea is fine, thank you."

Erwin took a seat in front of the counter and watched the woman placing the teapot on the stove. She quickly ran into the pantry and returned with a basket full of baked goods. She put some on a plate and gave it to the man.

"How's your father?" he asked while (Y/N) wiped the floor again. Her father owned this little guesthouse that once was famous.

"He's alright. But I'm afraid we won't be able to afford his medications. Less and less people can afford to book a room and we simply can't make the prices cheaper. I don't really know what to do."

"Don't worry, (Y/N)!" a kind hoarse voice appeared from behind. It was her father. "Welcome, Commander Smith! What brings you here again?"

"Good evening!" he greeted back. "Just another budget negotiation. As usual, the government has no intentions of increasing funds."

"As much as I want to support the Scouts, I unfortunately see why they don't want to do so in moments like this." Her father was in the regiment before he retired. Erwin and he shared similar views on the importance of going beyond the walls. "(Y/N)! Go prepare a room and find some clothes for him."

While she went to search dry clothes that would fit the commander, the two man began to talk about a different topic.

"I know why you visit this place so often" chuckled the father as he opened a bottle of whisky. He poured them both. "I see how you look at her."

For a moment Erwin didn't know what to say, which was quite unusual of him. A small smile curved his lips. "So, you found out my secret."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out. I have eyes. It's that simple." he sipped "You've known my daughter for years. Since when...?"

"It's one of those things that just can't be put in words. It was four years ago, that moment I realized I wanted to see her as many times as I could."

"Why didn't you tell her? You're afraid I'd bring the rifle? Or maybe you're more afraid of her? You think she would reject you?" he smiled "I can tell she has feelings for you too. Haven't you noticed how excited she is seeing you? She's not even looking at other guys, though she's in the age of marriage. What will she do when I'll be gone? At least you, as a commander, would make a great reputation for her." he joked "She'll be left alone like the last leaf on a tree before winter begins."

"That's why I won't tell her. I don't want to cause pain." he grabbed the glass and drank from it "To be honest, I don't even know if I'll be here next month. There's just no guarantee." he sighed "But I'm a selfish man. I still want to see her every time I'm near her. I'm truly the worst. I can't give her happiness, only suffering. I don't want (Y/N) to lose more people."

(Y/N)'s father knew Erwin was right. Her mother passed away, when she was fourteen; lost many loved ones when Shiganshina fell. Childhood friends, friends whom she trusted the most, old neighbours she liked and nearly all relatives of their family were gone now.

Both men knew the feeling. Without further words they agreed and sat back quietly.

(Y/N) heard the conversation. When she heard that Erwin had feelings for her, she thought her heart was going to break through her ribcage, like a desperate bird ready to be free. However, as he continued, her hearth shattered into pieces. (Y/N) pretended she didn't hear anything and told the blonde man his room was ready. He stood up and walked towards the stairs where she was standing.

"Change into these" she gave him the dry clothes "I'll knock on your door in ten minutes."

...

"Can I come in?" she asked. Erwin replied with a yes. (Y/N) walked into the room catching a glimpse of the commander's chest while he was buttoning the last button. He picked up the soaked clothes from the chair and held it out for (Y/N).

"Thank you for taking care of me."

"Erwin..." she began faintly and grabbed his arm "We need to talk."

"About what?" he looked surprised.

"I heard everything and-"

Erwin interrupted. "You don't have to worry about it. I won't do anything." he shook her hand off.

"You don't even want to know how I feel?"

"What would it change? You should find someone better. Someone who can be there for you. Someone who's not selfish. There're many good men out there."

"What about my choice? You think you can make decisions for me?"

He put the clothes back on the chair. "I don't want to put you through hell."

"It's already hell." she said with a slight hitch in her voice "You have no idea how long... How long I've ... Erwin..." Tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheek.

It pained him to see the woman, whom he loved the most, looking so defeated.

"I love you, Erwin!" she cried out "And nothing can change that."

It snapped him out of his stubbornness for a second. He gently pulled (Y/N) into a hug, placing her head on his chest. The feeling of his warmth and beating hearth was pure heaven.

"I want you. Only you."

"(Y/N), I can't give you happiness."

"What it is at all?" she sniffled. "There's no such thing as that... It's not a destination you can arrive to and stay there for the rest of your life. Happiness is a temporary state. It comes and goes. And... What defines it anyways?

"I still don't want you to get hurt. Especially because of me." he paused for a bit "I could die at any time. What if I go on a mission and never come back?"

"You think I don't know that, Erwin? Every time you go out the walls I worry, but... Did you know that in this awful world you're the one who keeps me alive?" she pressed herself against his comforting chest "And what about you? You think you don't deserve your so-called happiness? If you have feelings for me, why don't you..."

As she looked up, her eyes met with his. Tears were coming to his sky-blue eyes.

"Are you sure, (Y/N)?"

"I am. I want you to hold me tight and never let go."

...

Erwin placed his hand on her face caressing her cheek gently with his thumb. He leaned closer to kiss her forehead, then gave another kiss on her nose making her blush. Finally, he pressed his warm lips against hers. He sucked her lips slowly, evenly, as he was dining something sweet as nectar. She was his delicate flower.

His kiss was subtle and tender, however a wave of heat flushed through him causing to kiss more passionately. Erwin slid his tongue across her bottom lip luring her mouth to open for him. His tongue swirled around hers composing an intimate, sensual dance. A slight moan escaped from (Y/N) in response. She slid her hands up his back, running her fingers through his soft blonde hair. As a result, he groaned, and the urge to pull her hips against his grew. As much as he wanted to devour her, he had to resist.

The commander pulled away, only to realize that he wasn't the only one getting excited. The woman's body was filled with desire too. He watched her chest rise and fall hastily with each breath she took. He couldn't help but admire the beauty that was in front of him.

"You're gorgeous, (Y/N)." he held both of her hands and placed two gentle kisses on them "If we don't stop now, I won't be able to hold back. You're driving me crazy."

"I feel the same. I want you, Erwin."

Their lips met once again. The passion they felt had been buried in their hearts for years. The man possessed her lips claiming every centimetre of it while she held onto his strong shoulders tightly. Erwin guided her slowly to the writing table, not breaking the kiss even for a second. He lifted her up and placed her on the desk.

The commander's lips travelled down her neck and goose bumps flooded her skin tilting her head to the side. He tucked her blouse out of her skirt to slide his large hands under the fabric. When he touched her stomach, a sudden thought startled her. What if she's not good enough?

"Erwin... The candles..."

"I want to see you" he whispered in her ear.

"But..." she grasped his shoulder.

"No buts. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. No one can compete with you" the man kissed her cheek "Can I take your blouse off?"

She'd been deprived for far too long of this man who now was standing right in front of her. She nodded, and looked away in fear of what he would see might disgust him. Erwin took it off her and freed her breasts from the undergarment.

"Look at me, (Y/N)." he begged and with a bit of hesitation, she did so, finding his sparkling blue eyes, so full of love and excitement, staring down at her. Meeting his gaze, she smiled sweetly before closing her eyes as he inclined his head. He also pulled his hips tight against hers. "You did this to me, (Y/N)."

He laid her down gently on the wobbly desk and his mouth was on her breasts quicky, conquering all of it. His fiery tongue played with one of her nipples while the other was held in his hand. Next, he travelled lower and lower, down to her stomach, only to find the skirt in the way. She felt a sudden wetness between her legs.

"Can I?" he asked for permission. She nodded. She ached for it.

He removed the skirt and her shoes too. Erwin placed a kiss on her beauty through her panties before he pulled it off and trailed it down her leg. He kissed the hill again and ran two fingers down on it.

"You're soaking already, (Y/N)." then he started to explore her slit with his tongue "You're so sweet, my darling."

He sucked on the folds a little, then parted them to make his way up to her clit which he tickled wickedly. With a finger he began tracing circles around her entry. Shortly after, he slid it in. (Y/N) flinched a little, letting out a moan. After he realized she could take more, he added another one.

She enjoyed it greatly. She grabbed Erwin's head, ran her fingers through his soft hair while pulling him closer to her hips. She wanted more. Erwin was surprised by her action, and began to lick and move his fingers more passionately. Her body was burning in explicit heat. A sudden wave of extasy rushed through her and he was proud seeing his efforts paying off.

The man straightened up to hurriedly rip his shirt off and throw it on the floor. (Y/N) was mesmerized by his well- built form. She wanted to touch it, so she sat up to lean closer. She explored each muscle with her finger, even caressed his hard nipples. She travelled further down to his pants. Hearing the sharp intake of breath as her fingers lightly touched his sensitised flesh made her wanting Erwin even more.

"If you touch me like that I might..." Erwin's mouth left an excited hiss as she pulled down his trousers a little.

He stepped back to take it off along with his shoes as well. As he tugged down his underwear, his rock-hard, massive manhood revealed.

"Well..." she said in surprise "That is a titan."

He couldn't help but giggle. (Y/N) glanced up, seeing him smile at her with a sweet, sensuous smile. He stepped closer to possess her lips and lift her up from the desk just to then put her gently on the bed.

He was on top of her. The woman's breast against his chest while she wrapped her legs around his trim waist made him lose it all. He wanted to be inside her.

"(Y/N)" he sighed "Can I?"

"Yes, Erwin!"

He began to trace her entry in circular motions with his member. Softly, he placed the tip inside. She moaned in pain, feeling it tearing her walls.

"Are you alright, darling?" he asked with worry in his eyes.

"I'm okay. It's okay" she caressed his clean-shaved face. "Go on, my commander."

Their lips joined again, while he grabbed her hips and plunged deep inside her. He waited a little so she could get used to his size. A couple of minutes later, he began to move gently, sliding in and out gradually going further and speeding up the rhythm. As he heard her sweet moans, felt her warmness and tightness around him, he fell into an abyss of pleasure. Erwin couldn't tame his desire anymore, finding himself thrusting into her with an enormous intensity. He couldn't get himself to stop now. He wanted her.

Erwin grunted and groaned which she found immensely sexy. The pain already faded away, endless pleasure and joy replaced it. His thick hands made their way up to her breasts, grabbing it with more and more greed.

"I love you, Erwin" she cried out.

"I love you more."

Shameful sounds filled the room and the man increased his speed to the maximum. (Y/N) latched onto his shoulders and buried her head into his chest, trembling hard against him. A wave of pleasure started to hit them both. She tightened around his manhood, and he couldn't hold on any longer as she continued to clutch. The unbearable yet wonderful torture of being lost in her made him release his seed inside of her. It was an indescribable feeling being filled up by the man of his dreams. They remained like this for a while, panting heavily.

Erwin pulled out of her but didn't let go as he wrapped her arms around her.

"I'm sorry." he said, stroking her hair.

"For what?"

"For loving you so badly, that I lost myself and couldn't hold back."

"You're so silly." she chuckled "I enjoyed every minute of it."

"Can I clean you up?" he asked placing a gentle kiss on her forehead "I've made a mess down there"

She nodded and the commander put his underwear on. He brought a wet towel and sit back on the bed. He gently spread her legs to wipe her womanhood. Then he softly stretched her entry with his finger. Erwin blushed as he saw his liquid oozing out of her.

"Erwin?" she noticed the rosiness on his cheeks.

"Nothing..." he said looking away "I apologize."

"No need to." she sat up giving him a quick little kiss on his pink cheek "I love you!"

"I love you more, (Y/N)"

...

Morning came shining its warm, golden sunbeams. All the clouds were gone and she was in his arms, all his and he would never be so foolish to let her go. She opened her eyes, only to get lost in his sky-blue iris.

"Good morning, love!" he caressed her face.

"Morning, Erwin..." she yawned and quicky realized, that she should've been up a long time ago. "My god! I should be downstairs! What time is it? Oh! And I haven't even washed your clothes!"

"Shhh..." he stopped you from jumping out of the bed by hugging you from behind "No need to hurry. It's only six thirty."

"I wake up at five!"

"You're open at seven..."

"Yes, but there's work to do. Buying things from the market, breakfast to prepare, cleaning..." she counted on her fingers.

"It can wait. Just stay with me like this for five minutes"

"Then hold me tight, Erwin."

She couldn't resist him. She was lost in his alluring presence whenever she was with him. It was pure heaven to be in his loving arms.

The end

#erwin #erwin smith #erwin x reader #erwin x y/n #attack on titan #aot #snk #aot erwin #erwin smith fanfic #erwin smith oneshot #erwin smith x you #erwinsmith #shingeki no kyojin #commander erwin

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bladekindeyewear · 6 years ago

Text

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 12 - Candy Page 18

==>

Time to see what all the fuss was about Page 18. We’re with Jane... that might not be good. Especially given Lollipop proximity.

Jane scoffing at troll genocide again. :(

Gamzee seems more woke than Jane here.

GAMZEE: sO yOu SaYiN yOu NeEd DiFfErEnT sHoEs FoR yOuR hUmAn DiCkS aNd WhAt NoT?

Pfffff

Jane narrows her eyes at the disingenuous buffoon.

I dunno, he sounds like he’s being pretty goddamn ingenuous right now.

It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation? Are they black with each other or something??

What’s more likely is he’s attempting to get a rise from her. To get her a little hotter under the collar. To put her in a certain mood.

Oh my gosh she’s genuinely black for him, hahahahah

GAMZEE: AnD AlL I EvEr bEeN TrYiN To dO Is gEt yOu rIgHt tOo, WiTh mOrAlS AnD GoOdNeSs, AlL fIlLeD uP iNsIdE yOu As TiGhT aS yOuR tAsTy HoE bAlLoOnS aRe WiTh HuMaN mOo JuIcE.

Jesus christ that’s not the kind of metaphor i want to be hearing from canon

or anyone for that matter

JANE: No! I’d rather die than touch your disgusting clown baton ever again.

....yyyeah, context is showing she’s PROBABLY super Black into this. Still, pretty jarring to see a clear consensual “NO” right in the middle of things.

Quit calling her a dairy queen!!! D: D: D:

Oh god they named the baby Tavros.

Alright, there’s some grade A discomfort in this scene, which I’m enjoying, really. I can see why they singled out page 18. I could traumatize some people with some of these paragraphs out of context.

HOO HOO HOO, THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO THE DARK CARNIVAL!!!

Eeeeuugh

JAKE: Anyway whats up with you? Hows life with davekat going? JADE: oh its great! im really glad i just went for it JADE: all of us together... it really is the best of every world

God damnit Jade why are you obliviously torturing them????????

You could’ve been REALLY GOOD for them both if you just FUCKING LISTENED TO THEM AND RESPECTED THEM INSTEAD OF SITTING ON THEM.

JADE: theres no way me and dave could have a regular baby together because im... JAKE: Whats wrong? JADE: well lets just say that after all the sburb stuff its done some things to my body JADE: like merging with bec mostly

Oh my FUCKING GOD please don’t canonize this. This didn’t need to be spelled out so-- D:

jesus

D: D: D:

This... is actually making my stomach roil again????

not because id object to-- i mean, it’s one thing to deal with

FAN SCENARIOS

ISOLATED divergences from canon where she has to deal with that and its kind of hilarious, but can be safely ignored when it comes to her character arc as a whole

but once its CANON???????? D: D: D:

suddenly you can’t IGNORE the full import when you’re done with, like, an RP or something, of the psychological struggle she would be forced to deal with given an abnormal biological situation. Instead of thinking “Oh, that could be pretty painful to deal with! Let’s explore it temporarily for fun” it becomes “Oh, that would be painful to deal with and you have to think about her having to deal with all the complications of that whenever you hear about her LITERALLY FOREVER.” D:

andrew i know you couldnt resist because of how funny and practically-xenoprogressive it was but whyyyyyyyyy did you have to canonize that WHYYYY

Now instead of a fun joke thought it also has to be SAD FOREVER

AAAAAAAA D’:

i dont know why this would be the line thats crossed to upset me

Rose surrogate?

JADE: no jake, dave wouldnt be the father in this scenario!

Pffffff. Andrew’s just diving RIGHT into the, er, doggy fanfics here. I should... TRY to lighten up about this. Try. D:

(...wait, shit. Knowing my friend, THIS whole bit is why they alluded to this page. God damnit.)

[[ EDIT: askshenhibiki said:

Now that you read Candy 18, flash back to Meat when Roxy is talking about gender... and look at Jade's reaction looking at "where her hands rest on her lap". Yes, Meat hinted at that "mix" too.

Ah, let’s see...

ROXY: and so i got to thinking ROXY: what even is gender ROXY: amirite lol? JADE: oh yeah JADE: that makes sense i guess........

Jade looks at where her hands are folded in her lap. Bites her lip. She has her own concerns about this, her own thoughts. Reasonable thoughts, I’d say. But I’ll refrain from any further comment. I’m staying away from this subject, from now on.

...yeah, guess Dirk at least had the decency not to spring all that on us before Jade got the opportunity to do it honestly. ]]

Guh, back to Jake suffering in his sad, trapped scenario. I hope THAT gets at least resolved by the end of this. Someone save Jake from this, because it looks like he’s not really that capable of saving himself?

==>

Dammit, Jade, I’m cringing at these descriptions of your intrusion.

Oh wow, John went for the mustache. Guess we knew that from, like, his stuffed statue oldself?

Jade doesn’t pick up on the obvious subtext in the conversation, however, because she’s been willfully undermining the subtext in her own personal life for nearly a year now.

D: D: D:

Seriously, Jade, how is what YOU’RE doing any better than what you were frustrated at seeing THEM doing, avoiding the real feelings and truth of anything even if it was conspicuously on body-language display?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

It’s like Andrew wants us deprived of even a happy imagined future for Earth C on top of everything else!!! What the hell! >:(

Is this about politics? Is Andrew just venting his anger that the Orange Guy is going to get away with ruining everything forever?? Because as understandable as that is, he could at least give us some imaginary happyfutures to look forward to.

Reading on... Hm, yet another intentionally-misused fridging reference.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

Yep, that triangle’s fucked. Wonder if the conversation’s going to transition to the CURRENT triangle’s problems...

...yeah, John using the R word there isn’t far from the fucking truth from the looks of things.

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

She takes in a shaky breath and shuts her eyes. Her hair spills around her face when she leans forward to put her chin on her knees. Dave and Karkat exchange a look that is equal parts confused, miserable, and desperate.

Oh SHIT. Is JADE going to be the one to finally vocalize about the problems here???

Something else comes hurtling out of the hole in the sky, too fast for Jade to catch. It hits the ground with a clap of green lightning. The collision sends a geyser of dirt, rock, and vapor into the air. Dave flash-steps to shield Karkat. Jade doesn’t move, taking the brunt of the explosion face on, using her abilities to warp the energy around her so that she’s a mote at the center of the storm. When the dust clears, she’s the first to jump in the crater, trailing smoke behind her.

There’s a body at the center of it. The torso is bloody, tangled, and curled into a fetal position. Its shoes are missing, but otherwise the outfit is quite familiar to her: it’s a dead ringer for her old Witch of Space uniform. Jade touches the body with the toe of her shoe, and then gasps when it rolls over to reveal its face.

JADE: its... JADE: ME???

Okay what the FUCK. It sounds like there’s going to be some context for that postscript after all. Something to bridge the gap between when that 16-yo Jade falls into the singularity and when Aradia goes off with her through a wormhole

I’m going to guess up front that this happens BEFORE the postscript... this younger version of Jade fell into the black hole and came out in THIS alternate timeline, possibly rather changed by the experience. But then again, the way the sky opened up... actually, couldn’t that be just a “natural” manifestation of the black hole abilities encouraged by Calliope or done by the singularity alone, followed by later in the Postscript this Jade actually getting control of it??

And... reading on, from the sound of it, her eyes aren’t black yet, either. Sounds like that’s to come, before the postscript. Question being, is it alt!Callie black eyes, or some black-hole-powers visual manifestation? Wait, never mind, I misread; this teenage Jade-corpse has NOT opened their eyes yet, so they couldn’t possibly tell, and the stuff about them “shaking” was about the adult Jade standing over her. Never mind. Let’s see which timeframe this Jade came from.

Also STOP TRAUMATIZING ADULT JADE ON SCREEN ITS NOT OKAY IM SICK OF IT ANDREW

==>

Page 20...

Stop letting babby not!Vriska bully babby not!Tavros.

Hm... same stupid tooth poison? No, Jade didn’t get hit with a tooth... so it’s more getting hit with shards of spacetime and spiraling down a black hole. Also whatever alt!Callie did to just barely keep her alive.

Hm, so the Heart stuff falls apart if you’re too separated from the mass-whole at Light’s center? That’s certainly a hypothesis at least.

ROXY: sounds like its time for another funeral lmao

ROXY WAKE THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING A VAGUELY ROXY-LOOKING LMAO-ZOMBIE. WHERE THE FUCK DID REAL ROXY GO.

And where the fuck is Calliope anyway, she’s just being left in the dust and nobody’s even talked to her from the looks of it.

Hm, cut apart by political differences, this group...?

ROXY: woah ok karkat i get ur all fired up about politics and stuff but lay off gamz ok

ROXY WHO REPLACED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE

ROXY YOU’RE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER PLEASE GIVE US AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOU’RE ACTING NOTHING LIKE THE COOL SMART PERSON WE READ ABOUT.

JADE: dave what the FUCK did you say to him downstairs?

Oh my god you asshole don’t blame DAVE for this >:(

ROXY: this time next week well corpse party like its the end of the world!

I don’t want to think this has anything to do with Aradia, but we DID see her in that postscript bit... And, I mean, what the hell could she even do?? It’s not like this Roxy is just Aradia in really convincing cosplay or something.

==>

She leads John and Jake into the building and down the center of the nave, humming happily to herself the entire time. An equally effusive Calliope trails behind her, carrying a bouquet of purple flowers.

Well there’s Callie. What is WITH these hypnotized motherfuckers. I need a revelation on these shenanigans STAT.

What is with people being bathed in light here?

each time we witness death, we fall in love in with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

Calliope is gazing at Roxy with glassy eyes. She sniffs as she plucks the last petal from her rose. A breeze washes through the cathedral from the crack in the door at the end of the room, brushing the petal off-course and causing it to get stuck in Roxy’s over-sprayed hair. Calliope reaches out with a visibly shaking hand to remove the plant offal, but she does not draw back. Instead, she lets her hand graze down the side of Roxy’s face and cup her cheek. Roxy puts her own hand over Callie’s and holds it.

Uhhh.... huh.

So.

If Roxy was just lying to herself, then............ WHY??????

John tilts his head and squints at the image in front of him. Hmm.

Is John realizing he’s in some sort of fanfic drawn by another character, hence all the people in serene lightbeams at tender but unjustified moments?

Everyone whips their heads around to see, of all people, Aradia hovering in the foyer

Pff

(...I hope Aradia didn’t come here, like, from the postscript. Where the “action” she talked about might have just been this corpse party. Because that would be pretty fucking lame.)

KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.

Pfffffffffff

The description of Human Jesus we all had in our hearts, but were too afraid to voice.

Alright, now we see the body we took our eyes off of. Is it going to get back up, or did it escape earlier?

since nobody was willing to dislodge the huge, otherworldly shard from her chest

My damn god, people.

...alright finally, everyone’s talking.

JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.

JANE STOP BEING A XENOPHOBIC BASTARD

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason. CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end. CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

...Huh. Huuuuhh. What the fuck is all this for. Are you saying ROXY caused this? Or...?

Okay I like this reinforcement she’s making in her speech about how different changes can influence how all of this unfolds, gives me hope that maybe these two cliffhangers aren’t all we’re going to be left with and we’ll be able to at least think of an IMPLIED future different from them if we wanted to like we thought about the seemingly-infinite-possibility original ending of Homestuck that I’d rather have been stuck with than this oh god breathe boots

okay there’s the labor going into good distraction

alright corpse get back up

JADE: i am not jade.

Right, so like the black eyes in the postscript suggested this is more just a... vessel for alt!Calliope now? To give HER a future beyond the one she sacrificed for that black hole business? And between alt!Callie’s became-the-black-hole nature and Jade’s Spacey Green Sun connection that’s been singularified, she has access to cool Black Hole powers? And is gonna do cool shit with them in implied future adventures we won’t see while Aradia gleefully watches the carnage? Huh.

The congregation watches her go, but no one moves to help her, or even looks in her direction. In her wake, she leaves a primal, echoing wail.

Oh my god why wouldn’t they have just a brief discussion or something IT’S NOT THAT BAD D:

JADE: and while i cannot say the same thing for the rest of you, JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am meant to be.

Well fuck. So she just disconfirmed this timeline as... something. Relevant, possible, I dunno.

JADE: and i have entered this body to protect your world.

Okay that’s good. So thanks to alt!Calliope these side timelines where things unfolded differently MAY be preserved. Pretty fitting given alt!Callie’s origins.

.......unless there’s some other stupid interspecies civil war threat that she’s going to be fighting too, here, when the political situation falls apart. Dammit.

==>

Terezi talk Terezi talk

-- JOHN EGBERT sent TEREZI PYROPE the photo “ghostrain.jpg” --

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 4CTU4L FUCK JOHN: it started a few days ago. the sky above the capital of the troll kingdom just cracked open and ghosts began raining down everywhere.

Oh my GOD. So alt!Callie kind of “saved” all the doomed ghosts that got swallowed up in the black hole by redirecting them all to THIS UNIVERSE and timeline???????

That’s pretty interesting! Heck my stomach’s even calming down!

they can’t even be judges! TEREZI: G4SP

Yeah that’s pretty terrible!

...yep, the resistance WOULD put him in charge. I had a feeling it may have ended up in that direction in Candy since it wasn’t in Meat.

--oh FUCK YOU Jade for splitting up what he had with Karkat before they could sort it out!!! You did the OPPOSITE OF HELP and neither of them are going to end up happy thanks to you! D:<

PFFF wow, John’s so concerned about babby not!Tavros’s living situation that he’s considering legit kidnapping. That means things must be pretty fucking bad.

--okay Calliope’s still out and about with Roxy instead of being cooped up in her room like in the other timeline, that’s good.

Pff, trying to redeem Ghost Eridan in front of Ghost Feferi. Yep, that’s Gamzee.

GAMZEE: fIrSt, A LiTtLe RiGhTeOuS sPlAsH oF tHe NaNnA nEcTaR tO cLeAnSe ThAt DaNkNeSs FrOm YoUr SoUlS...

Gamzee takes out a baby bottle and flicks it, covering them both with little drops of milk, as clergy does with holy water. He then takes a swig from the bottle himself before returning it to his codpiece.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I don’t want to believe that what’s in that bottle is what he’s making it sound like it is, but OF COURSE it is. Why would it be anything else. I bet there’s not even any Lifey hypnosis going on, it’s just the literal stuff.

The crowd falls silent as they raise their heads to watch a drone ship pass by overhead.

Jegus fuck stop going whole hog condesce janey

ROXY: lmao you worry too much ROXY: janeys got her head on straight shell show you yet

ROXY. WHERE DID YOUR BRAIN GO. I MISS IT. YOUR BRAIN WAS THE BEST FUCKING PART OF YOU.

Touching photo.

Alright lemme post split. I haven’t gotten as far as the last post plowed through since I’ve been typing so much... ah well.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #Upd8 #Homestuck Liveblog #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

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placesthatchangedpeople · 6 years ago

Text

A former resident about Eating Recovery Center

Hi! I'm new here. I've procrastinated for ages wrt joining reddit because I generally don't like it very much, but some communities speak to me. This is one of them.

The place I was sent to wasn't as bad as some of what I see here, I think because it was (purportedly) single-issue, rather than "treating" all kinds of teen trouble. They were hand in hand with wilderness camps and boarding schools, though. Their marketing directors - the people who gussy up the website and advertise their 97% parent satisfaction rate - were trained by, and have past experience at, CRC Health. They run Aspen education programs, and a whole bunch of other ones. They regularly sent kids off to wilderness camps or schools after they finished with ERC. It was like the "next step".

The place that I was was called Eating Recovery Center (ERC) and it's located in Denver, CO, although they have off-shoot locations in Texas, California, and more. They do have an adult treatment center as well, but I believe it is less abusive.

The child and adolescent inpatient and residential facility is awful, but incredibly popular. They've spread to something like ten states, luring families in with their garbage website. The whole thing is written like "Parents, you're so stressed, and it's because your child is a Gigantic Problem. We know how hard it is to have horrible kids. Please, send them to us, and we'll rehabilitate them while you get to relax and connect with the fun parts of life, which you haven't been able to do with your lil problem child over here." It's marketing genius. Whenever a kid says "hey, this is abusive", not only do they say that the kid is a dirty liar who just wants to leave, they actually say that this is proof that it's working. Like, "Your child has been taken prisoner by their Evil Disorder. As we cure your child from the Disorder, the Disorder gets scared and lashes out. Your true child is waiting underneath, and they're very excited to be healing. The more that your child fights our program, the closer to recovery they are. Claiming that we are abusive is, in fact, a sign of recovery." That's a summary, but you get the gist. It's like a god damned exorcism.

I was a patient there in 2013, in September. I wasn't there for long, because I made a fuss about their abuse, and I was 18 and they knew they couldn't fully shut me up, so they transferred me to a lower level of care. They did, however, convince my parents (who, to their credit, were just desperate and didn't want me to die; they've since acknowledged that they fucked up) that if I signed myself out of treatment, I should not be allowed home, and should be left to live on the street. The idea, I think, was that this would "shock" me into getting better. Yet they (the RTC staff) also told me that they didn't care if I was any better when I left so long as I followed their rules in the meantime. But, details. So.

They were emotionally and psychologically abusive, as well as neglectful and I'd say perhaps physically. Psychiatrically, too. The shittiest thing they did, in my opinion, was lock my twelve year old friend in isolation for 14 hours as punishment for exercising (I do not know how much she'd been exercising, but since this place considers standing up from a seated position to be 'excessive movement', it was probably nothing - standing up without permission was considered an infraction). She wasn't allowed so much as access to a bathroom, and wound up defecating on herself. Staff didn't see this as a problem. They told her it was her fault, and that she needed to make better choices.

The threat of isolation as a punishment for ignoring behavior warnings (three "redirections" and you're punished) was always there, and this room was called the "quiet room", if I remember correctly. During my stay there, there was one patient who was eleven years old and had some sort of developmental disability, and they kept him in isolation for what I think was days. I remember that he regularly wound up in there and that we could often hear him crying and screaming. How therapeutic /s

Patients were given NG (nasal gastric) tubes if they refused a meal. I had an NG tube put in, which didn't bother me very much, but it made my nose run like no other and made it really hard to swallow solid food. It wouldn't stop dripping during nighttime snack, but we weren't allowed Kleenex or napkins. I asked a staff member for a napkin due to literally not being able to stop the deluge of snot from my nostrils, right, and she kept refusing and said she wouldn't help me until I finished my snack. I kept asking and eventually, she gave me a really bitchy look and threw the napkins at my face. This isn't particularly abusive, I think, because napkins don't hurt, but that's just not the kind of behavior that should be shown by somebody working in a treatment facility. The staff would regularly scream at kids who didn't finish snacks or meals.

I, along with several of the kids, regularly didn't finish meals. And by regularly, I mean over the course of my first day or two, so not much of a precident, imo. This issue was brought up after dinner, when the group gathered for a post-meal check-in. Patients were encouraged to name the patients who were not finishing meals, explain how said patient was bothersome to them, and then the staff would shame the patients who were named, and ask the other patients to help come up with an appropriate "response" (punishment). The staff decided that we should be made to sit at a separate table, in a separate room, during meal times, and not be permitted to speak to each other, nor communicate in any other way. If we made prolonged eye contact or started giggling, we were reprimanded. Talking at meal times was one of the ways that patients coped with having to eat large meals, and it kept morale up, and they took it away as a punishment. It certainly doesn't make anyone eat better. When we had downtime, we were closely monitored so that we never discussed our grievances re: the program, with each other. We managed to anyway, by whispering and speaking as quickly as possible, by writing notes which we then had to dispose of (since they went through all of our belongings and journals, and withheld these things whenever they arbitrarily deemed them inappropriate - my journal was confiscated because I wasn't displaying the proper mindset). But staff were always looming, and it was stressful.

I don't remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure that I wasn't allowed contact with my parents for the first three days of my stay. I could be conflating it with some other hospital or center, but I don't think so. All parents of patients were encouraged to stay in the Denver area for as long as possible, and my parents rented a condo (while also forking out some $30,000 per month) and came in for family therapy a couple of times a week. Family therapy consisted of my "therapist" (she was licensed, but I've no clue how) encouraging my parents to complain about me, and when I said that I didn't like something my parents had done, she just said, "well, I don't think they're doing that. That's not what I see at all. Maybe you should change your behavior/perception/etc." She gave me these ridiculous assignments a few times each week, and I never completed them, because they were stupid and I was on Mission: Get Myself Kicked Out of Here, but I found the way she handled this to be a red flag. She was /so/ disappointed that I hadn't done the assignments, and looked at me all sad, and said "[name], that hurts me. It hurts me when you ignore these things that I've worked so hard on for you. I want to help you. This is hurtful, can you see that?" The fact that she was so manipulative without a single qualm really worries me, because the majority of the patients were younger and less defiant than I was, and bought into all of the brainwashing and manipulation that these people touted.

The majority of them came from abusive homes, but the RTC's whole philosophy is that mental illness treatment has been centered on parental flaws for too long, that parents are perfect, and that kids are bitchy little problems for no good reason. This is a tempting philosophy both for parents like mine who aren't abusive and don't want to be told that they are, and for abusive parents who want to be validated and excused.

Everyone there was deprived of sleep (I used to fall asleep on the concrete floors), water (only one cup with meals), and the right to use the bathroom when we needed to. Staff actually bragged about having had patients pee on the floor before, like this was some kind of accomplishment, not letting children pee.

The psychiatrists would keep children on medications that the children complained about, things that didn't help, and I was personally fine with my meds but I had friends who were being kept on awful medications. They eventually just started doing that thing where they move the pills to that little pocket between their teeth and cheek, swallow the water, pass the "swallowed pills" check, and then spit them out.

Somehow, at one point, the staff got it into their heads that I wasn't changing my underwear every day. I have no clue how this happened, but they implemented a policy where I had to show them my clothes each day so that they could "make sure" I was changing all of them. Like, what? That doesn't even make sense to me, because wtf, but it was just really degrading. This might be slightly TMI, but when I was on my period (and I have endometriosis, so it's really heavy and makes me nearly pass out/vomit when I'm not on 'round the clock birth control), they still wouldn't let me use the bathroom except on Their Schedule. I had to beg to be allowed to use it, and they got so mad at me. Like, sorry? I can't actually do anything about this?? That was really degrading too. As if I wanted to tell a whole bunch of hostile, abusive near-strangers that I'd bled through my clothes again, damn.

I don't remember ever having a phone call. I saw my parents on weekends for an hour, but there wasn't much communication. When they kicked me out of residential and put me in partial hospitalization (a ten-hour-a-day every day outpatient program in a nearby building, also run by them - it was a "step down" thing), they told my parents to never let me have my cell phone for longer than thirty minutes, and to watch me (and its screen) the entire time I had it. To go through all of my electronics and journals to make sure I was Doing It Right. They told my parents that withholding everything I enjoy until I recovered was completely reasonable, and that it was okay (even good) to kick me out on to the street if I was noncompliant. Hilariously, I'd nearly been sold into sex trafficking not two months before I went to ERC, when I was 17, and I'm like, y'all, if you'd kicked me out I'm absolutely sure I would have been trafficked for real. Like, damn, talk about a bad idea. The whole reason I developed the eating disorder, self harm, suicidal behavior etc was because I was sexually abused as a kid, but we weren't ever allowed to discuss anything of any real import in therapy groups, and anyway, I was just A Problem Child, not traumatized /s

To this day, I still can't handle the word "manipulative". I use it very occasionally myself, but for the most part, seeing it used to describe anyone just makes me bristle. Even genuinely manipulative people. I just can't handle it. I was branded as manipulative so many times just for hurting and wanting real help.

I know that most other patients there went through worse things than I did, but I don't know the extent at all. It seemed like the younger the kid, the worse the abuse. Some of the young kids were able to quickly adapt and become The Perfect Patient, but those who didn't, got it bad.

I'm glad that I was relatively lucky (a three month stay, a somewhat less abusive center, being older). But all of these places just piss me off so much. The general public knows nothing about it. I've lurked on this subreddit before and finally decided to bite the bullet and post on it. I know my RTC experience wasn't anywhere close to as bad as it gets, but it still screwed me up for a long time. Luckily, I'm 100% mentally healthy and happy these days, but it took a lot of work and was only ever made worse by ERC and abusive therapists like them.

#Colorado #Eating disorder

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ishouldprobablychange · 5 years ago

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What getting up before my kids has taught me

Two years ago I spent every night feeding my ginormous one year old every hour (he for sure didn’t need the milk!). Life was tough, I was so sleep deprived I don’t know how I made it into work, let alone functioned. In those days the idea of ever setting an alarm to wake me before the screams of my child seemed madness. And it would have been.

I start this blog there, to say there is a season for everything.

If you are waking to babies in the night or suffering with chronic illness this may not be the season for waking early. This blog is not a guilt trip for you amazing people who long for health restoring sleep. No, this blog is not for you, take a big cup of grace and love and stop reading! This blog is for the rest of us. Those who maybe need a kick up the bum to make a change, to push through a little bit of pain and to set that alarm a little bit earlier.

My ideal day

When someone asks you ‘what’s your ideal day look like?’ what do you say? My answer would definitely include, being quiet, reading, exercising (though not the sweaty kind!) and taking time to breathe, to think, to process my own thoughts. Around 18 months ago I realised that these things made up zero time in my day. What with work, time with my husband, kids, friends, church, cooking, washing (so much laundry!), cleaning, the list could go on, the things that I knew would be especially life giving for me got pushed to the side. I would try and exercise in the evenings but I often had things to do or lacked motivation, I fell asleep reading every night and rarely had a quiet moment with my own thoughts.

A simple calculation

I realised that if I really valued those things the only regular part of my day that I had control over was my mornings. I wrote down my ideal early morning routine and calculated that it would take me 45 minutes to an hour. At first I was horrified. Surely I wasn’t considering giving up an hours sleep when my children were also asleep? That sleep had been a long time coming, it felt crazy to give it up! But I decided to give it a go. When my alarm went off the first morning I wanted to cry. The first week was hard. But a year and a half later I’ve hardly missed a morning (and when I do I suffer for it!) and I’m totally converted to the value of getting up early.

Here’s what I’ve learnt.

I’m a nicer person. I wake up ‘for’ my kids, not ‘to’ them. When I see them I feel ready to be their mum rather than resentful they are dragging me away from my duvet. This has been really wonderful. I actually smile when I see my kids! This was not the case in the past and even thinking about that makes me sad. It’s so great to know that I’ve given time to myself so now I’m ready to give time to them.

How else would I regularly exercise? It’s the only way I’m regular with exercise. Early morning is really the only predictable part of my day, which means I’m way less likely to have an excuse (or reason) to avoid working out.

Mental Health Boost. Having time to still by myself, to write and think has helped me start each day which much more positively. Being quiet and taking time to breathe made me realise I spend a lot of time holding my breath (anyone else guilty of this?!), using reading, prayer and meditation each morning has helped me carve out moments of calm to rest my all to frantic brain.

I set the agenda for how I feel. By not reaching for my phone and instead doing things that encourage me, I’m choosing to stop other voices influencing how I feel right at the beginning of the day. It’s so important to stop a social media or news app from setting the tone for my day.

Start small and build up. I didn’t begin with everything I do now. I started by simply getting up a few minutes early and writing 10 things I was thankful for, that was it. I slowly added to that and got up earlier to create the routine I wanted.

Preparation is everything. I put my Pilates mat out every night, along with my notebook and a bottle of water. It’s a small thing but it means I go to bed having set my intention for the following morning.

Grace, grace, grace. Sometimes the kids wake up early, sometimes I miss my alarm, sometimes I’ve had a terrible night’s sleep. I give myself grace, fit in what I can and I don’t allow one bad day to write off the whole week. I set my alarm for 5.20am and try again tomorrow.

My routine

There’s no perfect morning routine but I think a simple plan to, Move your body, still you mind, encourage your heart is a good place to start. Here’s what my mornings look like.

Thankfulness - Wake up and write my gratitude journal, I use the 6 minute diary morning and night.

Water - I was surprised at the difference downing a glass of water makes!

Pilates - 10-35 minute workout, I use The Balanced Life and love that there’s plenty of breathing and stillness built in (also a fair bit of lying down!

Bible - I write a passage of the Bible out each morning, it takes a few moments but is changing my life.

Prayer Journal - I write my prayers, I just get too distracted if I try to sit still and think them. I love giving my day over to God right at the beginning of it.

Stillness - I use the Calm app to have 10 minutes of stillness, sometimes this is totally silent, sometimes a led meditation. I use this time to think about the day ahead.

It’s not that tidy!

I know this sounds like I have it all together but the honest truth is that this is my morning at it’s best! Some days I have a child climbing on my while I’m exercising. More often than not the word ‘snack!!’ is being shouted at me repeatedly while I try to read my Bible.

And that’s ok.

Yes my mornings get disturbed fairly often but I actually think it’s great that the kids see their Mum prioritising those things, they know this is ‘Mummy’s quiet time’ and, though they are working on the ‘quiet’ bit, I know they are soaking up these moments.

Hopefully it won’t take them until they are in their thirties to realise they are worth the time, they are worth the investment, that looking after themselves is sometimes the best way to look after others.

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foxhelix · 5 years ago

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A lot to say

I have had a lot on my mind lately - a lot to write about as I’ve become an aspiring writer who doesn’t write much anymore. I really don’t know where to start or what I even want to say.

This summer started out so beautiful. Long walks. No worries. Writing. Taking photos. Being totally devoted and in love. Then I don’t know what the fuck happened. A total switch with PTSD symptoms and paranoia.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to grow up. Maybe I should change my clothes to be more appropriate for a 30-something woman. I wonder if I should stop crying. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of my world on my shoulders. I want to go somewhere empty and just scream until my voice is gone, which brings me to.. anger. I am fucking angry. At what? I don’t know. Everything and nothing. I get angry at myself for isolating myself from others. Some days I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like there’s something sitting on my chest. This is a somewhat new realization lately as I have been doing quite well. My guess is it’s from suppression and my feelings are heavy lately.

What I am angry about: the things I have given up, the way I am still the same as always, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of being seen, fear of choosing the wrong people, the fear there is something wrong with me. I haven’t felt this way in a minute.

What happened to make me feel this way? Wish I knew exactly why - maybe a visit from my mom who seems to leave me feeling a longing to fill some kind of emptiness inside of me. This whole Epstein thing that has given me nightmares for over a month straight. I am suddenly afraid of the dark, something five-year-old me would laugh at someone for. Maybe things have gotten much more real. I am getting older. Closer to death. Seeing more of the darkness of the world. Knowing my parents probably aren’t too far from death. Knowing I am not much further on paper than I was when I was 18. Have I made my peace?

Oh, but I have grown. I have grown and I feel like I have taken a massive misstep. Music opens me up, so much I can’t really listen to it because I still have a lot of pain lurking under the surface. When I listen to the sad music I used to love, it seems not much has changed. The tears come and I can’t even sing the words without choking up.

What is next for me? Why the sudden flood of emotion? Am I headed for another nervous breakdown? I realize I have forgotten to check-in with myself and make sure I am okay. I am always busy and taking care of others. Don’t stir the pot. I am feeling rebellious.

I was listening to TFE today and remembering how exciting it was and how heartbreak never really left me.

33. I am almost 33. Learning. 12 steps. Buddhism. Learning how to parent myself. Mushrooms. Ayahuasca. THC and CBD. Paranoia. Near-death experiences. Purposeful adrenaline inducing experiences. Moving. Nightmares. Taking classes. Dancing. Writing. Sharing. Being scared to show my light. Slowly coming out of the shadows. Quickly running back. Seeing shadow people. Being scared of how fast my heart is beating. Peeling all the skin off my lip. Gnawing my fingernails. Kissing my puppy and thanking her for being so intuitive. Getting angry at my relationship. Being sex-deprived. Not feeling totally confident that he can take care of himself. Where does that leave me? Fear of abandonment. Fear of being taken advantage of. Fear of being cold. Fear of making horrible decisions. Fear of falling out of love. Fear of sleeping alone. Feeling the same old feelings from long ago. Feeling sorry for myself. Remembering not to be a victim. Feeling disappointed in people. Procrastinating. Being open to my creative potential. Being amazed by the beauty of authenticity in artists. Being thankful for a mentor. Being scared I am not good enough. Worried that I can’t be interesting. Realizing it’s all so silly - does anything matter? If nothing matters, why bother? If nothing matters, why worry? If nothing matters then nothing matters. Crushing and liberating. Listening to a million podcasts. Singing. Meditating. Staying in the present moment. Saying fuck it and choosing to be angry. Worried no one will care about my birthday and then wondering why I would care. Wasting time on my phone (it is a fucking waste of time). Being so in love and feeling lucky. Wanting to punch a wall. Wanting to get rid of everything I don’t need. Wanting to write beautiful music. Wanting to sell all my musical equipment. Start wearing weird clothes. Showering. Eating. Wanting to live in a tent. Wanting to live in a forest, homeless. Feeling overwhelmed by all the suffering in the world. Killing myself. Preparing for retirement. Feeling forgotten. Avoiding people who love me. Unconditional love. We are all one. We should be working together. Being scared of being hurt by people - physically and emotionally. Wanting to dedicate myself to volunteering. Not being scared of people potentially going crazy. What energies have I picked up? Who am I really? Talking to entities. Remembering what I was told. Integration. Crying. Laughing. Sleeping. Shaking. BEING. I’m exhausted.

In the process of writing this, I don’t feel any better. Maybe I am too self attentive and need to get out of my head. And yet, at moments, I feel I’ve never been healthier.

Guess I didn’t have much to say after all.

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stuckyrpstories-blog · 7 years ago

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Stucky RP Chapter 1

The first part of a roleplay we have been doing for a few years (still in progress, this is a very small fraction of what we’ve already written, and there is much much more coming in the future. Forgive our awkwardness, we’re new at this). Loosely following the plot of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (borrowing also from Marvel comics, real-life historic events, and changes for the sake of story). Written in paragraph roleplay format, so perspective switches between Steve and Bucky. Somewhat mutual pining (Steve doesn’t know what he’s doing), Some period-typical homophobia, 18+ for sexual content.

This part takes place before the events of Captain America: The First Avenger. Bucky’s starting to suspect that his feelings for Steve are more than friendly, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it because he’s being shipped out. Steve is kind of oblivious but has strong feelings toward his best friend. They feel pressured to lead the typical American Dream lives, and they each think that’s what the other wants.

Bucky ran trembling fingers through his dark hair nervously, managing to muss it up as he stared into the bathroom mirror. Any minute now he knew his mother would call him down for breakfast, his father angrily fluttering the morning papers at the kitchen table. Normally he liked to stick around and harass his son until he got in a few good jabs, dragging his large feet out the door with a smug air about him. Nothing pleased him more than reminding Bucky where his place was.

"James! If you don't hurry it'll get cold," his mother called just as he knew she would, causing him to grimace a bit as he hurried to replace his hair.

"Yes ma'am," he called back, pushing his worried thoughts from his mind. He'd have to tell Steve today, he was heading out soon and the longer he waited the worse it would be. Taking a deep breath he tipped his head back and steeled himself, reminding himself he was doing as expected, his father had no reason to pick at him now.

"Some sugar," she smiled, proud of herself as she set his bowl on the table, and he couldn't help but return the expression, his tensions eased a bit by her kindness. "And before you say anything, it's alright, I've been saving it for you. I know how much you hate your oatmeal plain, and it's all we've got left this week."

"Thanks ma," Bucky ducked his head a bit as the slight woman bent to kiss his well-combed hair, ignoring his father's sigh of annoyance. He and his mother shared a look as she straightened up, smoothing out her apron before turning to tidy up the counter. Bucky ate his meal in silence, not sure what he could say. His mother was well aware of her husband's expectations for her son, they'd had a few blow-outs over it in the previous weeks.

Mr.Barnes was convinced his son would never amount to anything, though at the heart of it Bucky knew it was because his father was scared and unable to be as effective as he wished he could be. Years of hard labor had scarred his hands, bent his fingers until they barely did what they were told. He'd worked his way up though, so he managed more than mingled. Everyone needed things fixed these days, things were sparse and money was tight. They had enough money to get by, but Bucky's being pushed towards the army was really a result of his father's need to feel proactive in the crumbling world.

Bucky didn't resent him for it, he understood. He understood all too well that because he was capable, he had a responsibility. His father had never been very good with his emotions, but all his well-intentioned heckling had sunk in when he got the letter. "I'll stop by the shop later, Pops," Bucky made sure he cleaned his bowl, drank his milk, cleaned up after himself. His mother's eyes followed him as he moved, shining with adoration. She'd always been his confidant, about most things anyway. She knew this wasn't going to be easy for him.

His father grumbled as he gathered his things, but the old man was smiling. The small gesture was all he needed to get out the door with a hop in his step. He'd help Steve collect his mother's things, tidy the nearly empty apartment. It wasn't the best time to tell him he was leaving, but there wasn't going to be a good time. Everything was arranged for Steve to take his place with his parents when he was shipped off, Steve just didn't know it yet. His friend had talent, and intelligence, and heart like no one else Bucky'd ever met. He was going to do great things. Bucky, on the other hand, was certain his skills would be best utilized in the war. No one had an eye like him, the recruiters had practically salivated when he showed off his deadeye shot. It was all but done.

Steve was going to kill him.

Arriving at the small apartment Bucky tucked the oatmeal cookies gifted by his mother into his pocket, intent on using them to soften the blow. When the time was right. Pursing his lips he grabbed the spare key, opening up and entering without bothering to announce himself. Steve was expecting him. Shuffling in the door he closed it behind him quickly, keeping out the chill spring air. A box already sat beside the door, filled with what looked like winter clothing. Steve's mother wouldn't need them anymore, they were planning on gifting them to the local shelter.

"Steve? Tell me you got some sleep. It's barely 6 a.m."

Steve awoke to find himself face down on the end of his bed. It seemed the night had gotten away with him. He'd tried to sleep at a reasonable hour, with the promise of a busy day to keep his mind off things, but it couldn't come soon enough. He'd tossed and turned until all he could think to do was start packing his mother's things. It was clear to him now that he'd eventually passed out due to exhaustion. He didn't get much sleep these days.

Steve managed to crawl out of bed and headed over to the phonograph, still revolving and emitting static. He'd needed something to drown out the deafening silence of his empty apartment. He was ready to get the day over with so he could finally move out of the place that held so many sad memories. He removed the needle from the record and turned off the machine. Still wearing his clothes from yesterday, Steve headed into the kitchen. He found the energy to make himself some bacon and eggs. It wasn't easy to keep going, but he knew his mom would have wanted him to stay fed. Not that he'd ever had any trouble taking care of himself. It had become a necessity when his dad had passed. Steve and his mom had to take care of each other. Now he felt it was his duty to take care of himself, to do right by her.

He'd barely taken a bite of his breakfast when he heard the front door open. Bucky, he thought, with a brief flutter in his chest. In his sleep-deprived fog, he'd almost forgotten about their plans. Though he should have been used to it by then. Bucky had been there nearly every day, despite Steve's constant assurances that he was fine on his own. He couldn't admit it to himself, but it was what he most looked forward to each day. Bucky still knew how to make him smile on even the darkest of days. And he had a feeling that he was going to need that, what with the task that awaited them.

As Bucky called to him and entered the room, Steve could feel a smile gracing his face already. "Hey Buck," he looked at the clock on the kitchen wall, "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I got at least a solid two hours."

Steve stood up from the table and pulled in his friend for a hug. He sensed an unusual and worrisome tension in his demeanor.

"You didn't have to come do this with me. But I appreciate it all the same. Sorry can I get you some food? Coffee?"

At Steve's admission Bucky sighed, slouching over to the small man with frustration and playfully flipped the cloth of his collar as he pulled away. "Did you sleep in these? Steve…" The dark haired man released the blonde's shirt, turning on his heel to pace away, checking his irritation before it got away from him. Steve had good reason to be neglectful of himself, even if it wasn't his intention.

Facing him he found and presented a smile, doing his best to keep it together. Steve needed all the strength he could muster. "You know I'll help myself," Bucky grinned as he snatched a strip of bacon from the full plate. Slipping it past his lips he savored the salty meat, thinking on how boring his breakfasts would be until the next grocery day. "You shouldn't be alone right now. I'm serious, you gotta ease yourself into these things," chewing around the words he stole a sip of orange juice, washing the crispy bits down.

In his own offer he found an opening, a way he could break the news to his fragile friend. "I'm stayin' here tonight. Aht! No arguing, it's decided. I'm gonna be exhausted runnin' back and forth today. I told Pops I'd stop in and give him a hand lifting a few returns 'round noon. Ma also inferred I'd been spending too much time at the house. I know it's only because she's worried about you. Just, spare me breakin' her heart will ya? You make a guy feel like he's a nuisance," Bucky's aqua eyes shied from his best friend's familiar countenance, knowing it was low to play on Steve's emotions, but unable to help himself. He could barely remember the last time they'd been alone… with wandering hands. It had been before Steve's mom had gotten sick, and that had been weeks ago. Maybe months.

Bucky was beginning to think it'd all been a fluke. He knew Steve was normal, as normal as a guy with all his problems could be. At least more normal than Bucky himself. Bucky had always known he was different, he'd only begun to fear it since the day he'd gotten a kiss from Connie Stafford and hadn't felt a thing. Not like what he felt the first time he and Steve had kidded around and tried out a few things with each other. Definitely not like how he felt now. It had started out innocent enough, but became something of a habit of theirs, nothing serious just… they were good pals. They were there for each other. At least, that's what the dark-haired man told himself. His feelings for Steve were confusing as well as terrifying, but if anything in his life was certain, it was that they ultimately meant nothing. Nothing would come of it, so he didn't dwell. Not when he could help it anyhow.

Maybe in the dark quiet night he could reveal his betrayal, his abandonment of the person that meant more to him than anything. Maybe homemade oatmeal cookies and a friendly touch might take the edge off of the unhappy news. At least, that's what Bucky could hope for. Steve was a good guy, and he had his whole life ahead of him. Bucky just wanted him to be happy. This was one way he knew he could make a positive difference for him… even if he didn't accept it at first.

Steve busied himself as his friend spoke to him, putting the kettle on to boil."I'm fine, really. I got used to being alone a long time ago."

Everything would be okay if he kept moving forward. He'd get a job, anew place to live. Maybe one in Bucky's neighborhood. He'd survive somehow. It wouldn't be the same but at least he'd be okay. As he poured the boiling water into the coffee pot, he nearly scalded himself at Bucky's suggestion of staying over.

"What? No, you don't have to... I don't..."

Suddenly Steve felt guilty. Had he been a bad friend? He had to stop himself sometimes and remember that Bucky needed him just as much. They needed each other. And he realized his friend was trying desperately to help him. So he gave in. "Sure, Buck. You're always welcome. It'll be just like old times."

Nostalgia flooded his memories and the immense distance that had separated the best friends became all too clear. He couldn't afford to lose the only person left in his life. It still felt difficult to open up, but if he could do it with anyone, he knew it would be Bucky.

"I told you, you don't have to be alone. Wether you're used to it or not," Bucky reminded his dismissive friend, leaning back on his countertop and eyeing the coffee offhand. "Why are the old times old times?" the taller man mused a bit sadly, realizing the likely reason even as he spoke. "I guess it's not a thing guys do huh? After a certain age…" the dark-haired man toyed with the dish towel absently, tugging at a stray thread. "Like you're supposed to want to 'grow up'. As though it's only proper to aspire to grow apart."

Bucky perked up a little when Steve made his way over, reaching for the coffee. "You read my mind," Bucky grinned as Steve started on the preparation, and he couldn't help but snatch another bit of bacon off the big plate in his excitement. He was gonna make up for the theft anyway, later. "So, if that's what it takes… grown' up… I don't think it's worth it. Family is all we got, if people forget that tryin' to be proper then they've forgotten what bein' human is."

Realizing he'd been straying too close to a topic he'd never be ready to seriously broach, Bucky grew irritated with himself, and pushed off the counter with a huff. "Can that stuff brew any faster? I gotta put something else in my mouth, you're letting me ramble too much," leaning over his friend's slight shoulder he rested a hand there, "A guy gets mouthy when he's hungry. Seems oatmeal's my breakfast for the week, 'n' mom's not big on the portions. It's like she's not noticed I'm a grown man these days."

Steve listened intently to what Bucky had to say. It made sense. Steve had been far too distant lately. He knew deep down that being alone only made things worse. But despite that, it still hurt too much to open up. He didn't want to drift apart from Bucky. He knew he'd have to work at it. Thankfully for him, his friend was persistent.

The soft touch on his shoulder reminded him. Bucky was there. He was real. He cared about him. It was too special to take for granted. He smiled as he poured two cups of coffee.

"Well then I'll just have to make you an extra large breakfast. All that stuff in the fridge is likely to go bad anyway. I'm still trying to figure out my plan, but I definitely can't stay here."

Bucky eagerly followed the progress of the coffee with his light eyes, biting his lip when Steve poured his cup. He cradled it in his hands, bringing it to his nose to inhale deeply, humming, "Ahh… a little cup of heaven," he smiled, flashing a look at his friend as he gathered up the milk to sweeten up his drink. Once the mixture was to his liking he took a long sip, eyes falling shut as he swallowed it. "I take that back, it's positively sinful."

With a sharklike grin the dark-haired man slid into the open seat at the kitchen table, relaxing back, long legs stretching out. "You makin' me breakfast? I dunno Steve, a guy could get used to that kind of treatment." Although it was a jest and although he'd not been really thinking of what was coming out of his mouth, images filled his mind of them sharing that apartment, spending their days taking care of each other. No war, no separation, no worries about where their lives were going or who cared to comment on it. The unbidden daydream of cozy domestic life startled him such that he nearly spilled his coffee on his best shirt.

Shifting into a better sitting position he settled his mug on the table, running a nervous hand through his hair. He was getting too comfortable. He needed to separate his imaginary Steve from his real Steve. There was no reality where they could be together, and he was only hurting himself and his best friend by pretending it existed.

"You don't gotta do that, buddy," Bucky backpeddled, shaking his head and moving to stand. He slid a hand up Steve's arm to wrap an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a side embrace. "Maybe you could teach this fella a thing or two. Ma's never had the time to show me the ropes, and I gotta learn sometime. It'll be fun. What do you say?"

Steve started to once again gather the ingredients for his friend's meal, stopping to savor a sip of his black coffee before it got cold. He felt a warmness in his chest, even before the coffee. It was a feeling he'd missed. Taking care of someone. Despite his meek appearance, Steve was always trying to help people. It was what made him feel alive. It was what made his life worth living. It was a feeling he did not often experience anymore.

"Please. It's the least I can do. You need to eat well," He glanced enviously at Bucky's muscular frame stretched out at the table, "I bet you got even more growing to do. Not satisfied being only twice my size?"

Steve's skin tingled at the firm touch of Bucky's strong arm around his. The smaller man knew he had his own strengths, but sometimes he couldn't help but feel inferior against his friend's physical endurance. He could only hope he'd get there one day. Until then, he could still show Bucky everything else he had to offer.

"Well I learned how to make all my mom's signature dishes. Nothing special, mostly boiled stuff. But it makes me feel at home. I'd be more than happy to show you." ---

----

Bucky had been resting his lips on Steve's golden head without realizing it, and startled by the realization he snorted at the joke, turning away to return to his coffee. "You got nothing to be sore about Steve, you're getting a college education. You got in on talent and smarts alone. I could never do that," the taller man brought his coffee to his mouth to quiet himself. He was rambling because of his nerves. All his worries about leaving were making him clingy. If he wasn't careful he'd push his best friend away just because he couldn't reign in his emotions.

Bucky cleared his throat and set down the coffee he'd been practically chugging while his thoughts ran amok. "So… by all means, teach me about breakfast. And then I gotta stop by the shop, but I'll only be an hour. When I get back, we can sort all this stuff out okay?"

Bucky's praise made Steve blush. It was difficult for him to feel proud of his accomplishments, but it made him happy when people recognized them. The friends' individual strengths had always complemented each other beautifully that way.

Teaching Bucky was a nice distraction from all the unpleasantness. Before he knew it, they were laughing together and making a mess. "See? Your eggs look even better than mine already."

Feeling more comfortable than he had in months, Steve grabbed one of Bucky's fresh slices of bacon and started chewing on it. "You owed me one... Slightly overcooked but worth it."

He loved having this much fun with Bucky again. He actually felt a pang in his chest every time he thought about him leaving for only an hour. He just kept reassuring himself that he'd be back soon. And who knows, maybe they could stay like this, for a while at least.

"Hey, first time, remember?" Bucky pouted slightly as he sampled his own cooking, licking a bit of butter off his fingertip. "Not bad for a first-timer, if I do say so myself." Munching on his bacon he made a show of stealing Steve's orange juice even though he could have easily gotten his own. Smiling devilishly he gulped it down, fighting off Steve's half-hearted attempts to win it back.

"Aht! You deserved that for criticizing my fledgling attempt," Bucky rationalized playfully, struggling with the urge to put his hands on the smaller man. It wasn't the time for it yet, he had to wait. There was still a lot to be done that day, and he didn't want Steve to have to suffer the burden alone, should he react badly to the news and send Bucky home. There was always the chance that Steve would hate him for this. The timing was just awful.

"I gotta go," Bucky sighed as he scraped up the remnants of his eggs and finished them off, handing his last strip of bacon to the smaller man. He didn't take no for an answer, and slid out of his seat to head out the door. Pulling on his jacket he ran a hand through his hair to put it back in place and smiled weakly, not wishing to leave his friend alone at all, but he'd promised. "I'll be back in a jiffy. You won't even know I'm gone."

With that Bucky pulled Steve into a tight hug, one that lingered longer than it should, he imagined, should anyone have witnessed it. Then he hurried out the door, refusing to think on it too much. Steve wasn't going to do anything stupid. He would be there waiting when Bucky got back, and they'd have a bittersweet walk through memory lane.

~~~~

It was just over an hour later when he hopped back up the steps, rubbing his arm absently. His father had dropped a washing machine on him, luckily only catching his left arm, but it stung like nothing else. Digging Steve's key out of his pocket he let himself in again, calling for his friend. "Steve? Wasn't so long was it? I hope you didn't get too much done without me," he spoke loudly as he slipped off his coat, settling it on the coat rack beside the door before heading to the bedroom where Steve was busily emptying the closet.

"Holy cow, she kept that?" Bucky sank to his knees, forgetting for a moment his new slacks, and wondered at the grainy pictures strewn about the floor. "This was when we found that camera in the park… and borrowed your mom's cash stash to get 'em developed… We used up that whole thing. Here's that picture you took of your painted foot," Bucky couldn't help but laugh, remembering the awe in Steve's face as he'd preserved that bit of himself. Bucky had drawn a ridiculous cartoon on his friend's appendage with the leftovers of his model kit paint, and Steve had loved it. It was thrilling to finally see it again. "Boy did she snap her cap when she found out. I thought she woulda tossed these…"

Bucky settled back against the meager bed, flipping through the photos with a grin stretched wide across his face, the memories mostly pleasant ones. "Here's the few we had that hobo take, remember? He acted like we were putting on a fashion show. Kinda creepy now that I think about it," Bucky's good humor faded and he froze when he found one he'd thought was lost forever, one that had haunted his memory the last few years. Their round young 16 year old faces were mighty close together taking up the whole paper, Bucky's full lips pressed brazenly against Steve's. Their eyes were closed. He'd cupped the blonde's face in his young hands like a lover's. It was impossible to mistake the meaning behind it. And she'd kept it. Suddenly all the lingering looks and soft smiles she'd sent his way made sense, and her last words to him…

'Keep him safe, you hear? Be good to my darling boy.'

She had known, and she had never said anything. She'd also kept the photos when she could have destroyed them easily. Bucky didn't know what to think about it, he just didn't know if he was ready to share it with Steve. They never talked about their intimacies, it was just something they did. Bucky didn't want to push the subject anyway. Steve was a straight up regular guy, he'd be embarrassed and it'd be awkward. So Bucky slipped the picture into his pocket, and remembered he'd yet to gift the oatmeal cookies to his grieving friend. But he'd need them for their conversation. So he handed the small stack to the curious man, minus their kiss, and focused on the last one.

Sarah Rogers stood on the wooden porch, unaware her young boys were saving their last exposure for her. She carefully hung their newly laundered clothing along the long stretches of wood, her fair hair partially obscuring her lovely features that resembled Steve's so flawlessly. It was enough to make Bucky's eyes well up. "She was one helluva woman," he swore in almost a whisper, reverently.

Before he knew it, it was time for Bucky to leave. Steve tried not to show how bothered he was, but it must have shown on his face. He held Bucky close, feeling like neither one of them wanted to let go, until finally Bucky was out the door. Steve stood where they had parted for a minute, analyzing his feelings. Why was he suddenly so heartbroken to be without his friend for one hour? Had he been that starved for company? Not wanting to let the feeling linger, he returned to the task at hand.

Her bedroom closet was going to be the most difficult part, he thought, so he decided to begin there. Pulling out boxes and sorting their contents. He couldn't bear to get rid of any of it, but he knew he wouldn't be able to take much with him. It would be too difficult. He'd just focus on the sorting for now. Maybe Bucky could help him decide what was most important.

Time had gotten away from Steve when he heard his friend call out to him. "In here!" He was absorbed in his rummaging. "Oh yeah, the pictures! I haven't looked through those yet. Gimme a minute to finish going through this file drawer."

He could already see the photos in his mind as Bucky described each one. They were permanently etched in his memory. He finally emerged from the piles of his mother's belongings and reached for the stack that his friend had been browsing. He sat close to Bucky and went through the whole pile again.

"Just as I remembered. That was... such an amazing day." Steve's mind wandered. There was one picture he definitely remembered from that day. But it wasn't there. Just as well, he didn't think he could handle the embarrassment if Bucky brought it up now. Still, he hoped his mom hadn't done anything with it.

When they got to the last picture, they sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, gazing at the face of the woman who had brought him up, taken care of him despite everything, and now was gone. "That she was, Buck. That she was."

Bucky didn't know what he could say, he still had both his parents, Steve had already lost both of his. There didn't seem to be anything he could that would make any difference, and everything he had felt he should say, he'd already repeated for posterity. All he wanted was to provide for his best friend, to be there for him with whatever he needed. So for lack of words he simply leaned their heads together, tight-lipped but smiling as best he could, and gave the blonde's arm a friendly squeeze. After a stretch of just breathing together he gathered the photos into a small empty box, setting them aside for them to keep. Surely Steve would need keepsakes, and he was going to make sure he had some, even if Steve insisted he didn't.

Several hours later it was getting late, the sun was disappearing behind the buildings and they were getting hungry, having inadvertently skipped lunch. Bucky convinced Steve he had no idea how to properly prepare spaghetti, and watched with a mischievous glimmer in his eye as his friend earnestly attempted to teach him how. He was so serious and focused that Bucky didn't have the heart to tell him it was a lie. If there was one thing he could cook, it was pasta.

They sat in relative silence at the kitchen table, Bucky toying with Steve's foot with his own, pretending he wasn't doing it intentionally. He caught Steve's gaze a couple times, smiling lazily, as though he wasn't teasing the blonde on purpose. After they stood side by side at the sink, Bucky cleaning the dishes as Steve dried and put them away. They engaged in small talk as they did, Steve going on about art class, Bucky showing off the large bruise he was sporting from the fumble with his father.

It was so comfortable that when they relaxed in Steve's room after he didn't feel a bit awkward. It was a second home to him, and it made it easier as he again felt the need to come clean. "Steve… you remember when we talked about signing up? How we decided against it because of going to college together and all…" Bucky found he couldn't keep the eye contact he'd started off with, the pure open blue gaze following his lips making his nerves rear their ugly head. "I gotta letter. They're drafting me in," the audible silence was killing him slowly. "I'm leaving in a few weeks for basic, and after that…they probably won't wait long to send me an assignment."

Bucky anxiously looked down at the space where their shoulders were pressed tightly together, leaning back on the wall atop Steve's neatly made bed. "I'm sorry Steve, I… I don't know what else to say." Swallowing hard he jammed his hand into his pocket, grasping for the cookies like a lifeline. He presented them akin to an offering of flowers on a first date, shaky and messy as hell. "Mom made these for you, with what we had left. I know it's a shameful apology, but I didn't want to wait to tell you, and I know it doesn't make up for anything, I… I'm sorry Steve."

Steve held onto the comforting embrace of his friend before excusing himself and wiping away the tears. Some days were harder than others, but it always helped to have Bucky around. It made the rest of the evening pass more smoothly.

They were nearly finished with his mother's bedroom when the boys' stomachs seemed to grumble in unison. "I'd better make us something. I think there's still a can of tomato sauce. How's spaghetti sound?" Bucky seemed eager to be taught, so Steve described the process with as much detail as he could muster. They laughed together as they cooked, enjoyed their dinner, and washed the dishes.

"I've noticed you keep rubbing that arm. Everything okay?" Bucky explained what had happened, and Steve expressed his sympathies. He knew Bucky was tough, but it was hard for Steve to see him in any pain. He felt bad for making his friend work so hard with him all day, so he decided to call a break so they could just rest a while in his room.

As Bucky began to make his confession, Steve instinctively placed an arm on his friend's shoulder. He didn't know what to say. He looked in the man's eyes as he said the words, then stared blankly at a spot on the wall. He couldn't believe it was happening. The only person he had left in his life was being forced to leave him? To potentially lose his life? Suddenly his mind was full of confusing feelings. Like he was realizing for the first time how important Bucky was to him.

"That's, um... Wow." Steve looked back at his friend as a handful of cookies was thrust into his line of sight. He saw Bucky's face again. He could see tears forming in his eyes. The man looked terrified, though Steve could tell it wasn't because of going to war. It was because he didn't know how to tell his friend he had to leave him.

Steve took the cookies graciously. "It's... It's okay, Buck. I know this can't have been easy for you. We'll figure something out. Maybe you don't have to go..." He felt his own tears welling up. "Maybe I can go with you? Something..." Suddenly he didn't care about college or work or anything. He just didn't want to be alone anymore.

Bucky didn't have the heart for this, but he knew it wasn't going to go away. He'd have to talk about it one way or another, and the reality of their situation was a heavy one. "Steve…" his friend was clearly in denial, but the slightly older man had expected as much. God, he felt like such an asshole. Still, he didn't want to make it any worse… he went back and forth quite a bit in his mind before speaking again.

"We both know they won't take you, Steve. Your asthma alone…" Bucky felt his throat tighten, but he fought to continue, it was too important for his fear to silence him now. "It's gonna be alright. I'm good at that sorta stuff, remember? Number one athlete. You better believe before I go, we're gonna brush you up on your boxing. I can't leave you here with no way to defend yourself." The thought of Steve alone in the city terrified him, but he had to stay positive.

"I'll be back before you know it. You'll see. And, I've still got a few weeks before anything so…" Bucky's heart was racing as he reached for Steve's free hand, his mouth going dry. He shouldn't be nervous, they'd been doing this thing for years… but it was changing for him, he felt… different. His father would be so angry with him. His mother would feel like a failure. But when he was with Steve, none of that mattered. And, as it seemed, he didn't have to worry about it long. Soon he'd be on the other side of the world, far away from this thing they had, it would be something for him to hold onto tightly. And it could all be over in the space of a breath.

Curling their fingers together he gave a gentle squeeze, resting their foreheads against one another, breathing shallow in his excitement. "This isn't gonna change anything. You're always gonna be my best friend…I meant it when I said it before. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Steve." Licking his lips he let his fingertips drift up Steve's thin bare wrist, watching the progression until he met the cloth of his rolled up sleeves. "Lemme show you."

Without a moment's hesitation Bucky ducked his head and captured Steve's frowning full lips, determined to help him forget their circumstances, even if it was just for a little while. They never talked about this thing, barely ever even alluded to it. It was fragile. Not because of their insecurities, but because it just wasn't done. As long as they didn't act on it in public, it wasn't an issue. Everyone knew boys and girls fooled around, but as long as it wasn't a spectacle, no one paid it any mind unless they had a real enormous stick up their ass.

It was all about the end game. If you ended up married, no harm, no foul. If you were a confirmed bachelor but you didn't fuck a guy on your front lawn and flaunt your lifestyle, folks rarely called you out on it. But he knew it was dangerous to dream like that… Steve blushed at the sight of women, wistfully watched as they walked by, his nerves giving away his fancy. He wasn't like Bucky, who didn't get nerves, who felt cool as a cucumber when dealing with girls because really, he had nothing to lose. And that was all the dark-haired man needed to know. Steve was a smart guy, a nice guy, and he had a stubborn streak a mile wide. He'd make it far in the world, no matter what. And if a girl was what Steve wanted to be happy, then maybe it was good that he was leaving.

Without breaking their liplock Bucky took the nearly forgotten cookies from Steve's other hand, placing them on the nightstand. Cupping the blonde's face tenderly he kissed as gently as he could, careful not to upset the tentative moment. He took his time, dragging his now wetted lips along his friend's jaw languidly, nipping and licking down his slight neck. Steve's breath caught, and Bucky smiled, glad he could still affect his friend so strongly, and busied his hands with undoing the other man's belt.

It'd been so long he was worried Steve might stop him, might change his mind, might have decided he didn't want this with his friend anymore. But the blonde just laid back and let him open up his trousers, reach in to stroke him. Bucky bit his lip to brace himself, feeling his own desire grow as he curled long fingers around the firming shaft, careful not to give in to his urges and unbutton his friend's threadbare shirt. Steve tended to be self-conscious about his body, especially in comparison to Bucky himself, so the bigger man never pushed the matter if he could help it.

Careful not to force the moment too far, Bucky kept his eyes downcast when he bowed his head, sliding Steve's growing erection past his slippery lips, his eyes fluttered closed for a second as he was overwhelmed by the powerful sensation. He didn't linger too long though, beginning his worship of Steve's body almost immediately, one large hand curling around a trim thigh to brace himself, the other still gripping the shaft in his mouth with just enough pressure.

Bucky could only hope Steve wanted this distraction as much as he did.

Steve shuddered at the way Bucky said his name, breaking the tense silence. He wanted to stay in that moment. He didn't want time to keep moving. He wished he could freeze everything and just keep Bucky forever. What was he supposed to do? He felt so weak as his friend reminded him of his disadvantages. Even though he knew Bucky was just trying to protect him. It was too much to handle at once.

He let Bucky pull him closer. It suddenly felt like they'd never been close enough, despite all they had done together. And now he never wanted to let go. He squeezed the man's hand, letting him know how strongly he felt, in place of the words he couldn't find. The sudden kiss didn't even surprise Steve. It was like slipping back into a place where he felt most comfortable. He could never put these feelings into words. He didn't even fully understand them. But they always felt right with Bucky.

When Bucky took away the cookies, as though Steve finally remembered that he had hands, he gripped his friend's muscular shoulders tightly and pulled him closer. The way the larger man's lips touched Steve's skin all over made him shudder with excitement. By the time Bucky was reaching for his belt, he could already feel himself straining against his pant leg. The hunger he felt for his friend to touch his most intimate areas was more unbearable than ever. When he felt the large hand finally make contact, Steve let out an involuntary moan. The pleasure in that moment of contact so great, he could have lost his control right then. But he held on, squeezing Bucky's arms tighter. Trying to focus and make the moment last.

Steve braced himself as his best friend slowly lowered his head. The young man wasn't the most experienced lover, but in all his days, he'd never felt anything as amazing as Bucky's lips. He groaned again as they made contact, already on the torturous brink of orgasm. He couldn't give in so soon. He needed this moment to last. He tilted his head back and shut his eyes. He focused on his thoughts of Bucky. He couldn't admit it to himself, but this man was the most important thing in his life. He couldn't bear to see him go.

Suddenly he was brought back to reality as he opened his eyes and saw this man, this man he cared about so much, showing him such... tenderness. It wasn't just a way to get off. There was something special growing between them. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky's thick hair in an effort to show him how much he meant to him. How badly he needed him to stay.

Bucky was lost to his senses, happily drowning in a sea of need. It was becoming too much, and he gave in and rubbed off a bit against the heavy blanket beneath them, He was so wanton, so immersed that he didn't even need to touch himself, he felt like he could go off at any minute. And Steve… Steve was divine, writhing against him, eagerly pressing into his ministrations, shamelessly moaning for him.

It took everything he had not to lose his cool and ruin his new slacks. That would be fun to explain to his mother. So he focused on his friend, paying close attention to every sound he made, every shift of his body. Bucky wanted Steve to remember him fondly, no matter what happened. So he would give the man everything he could before he left. Everything.

But as he lay there, feeling Steve getting closer and closer to the edge he decided he couldn't give that last part of himself, the thing he'd been wondering about since they started their little games. No, he couldn't let himself go that far, because if he did, he might not be able to let the man go. And as good a man as Steve was, he wasn't big on emotional attachment. As much as Bucky wanted him, Steve wasn't his to have.

The fingers slipping gently into his hair nearly caused him to stop, the emotions flooding through him almost too much to bear. Steve had no idea what he meant to Bucky, and the dark-haired man could never let him know. It would ruin everything, it could create a rift between them that could never be healed. No, it was best that Bucky keep his distance, keep things friendly. Because he loved Steve enough to let him go.

Tears prickled at his eyes as he was petted, the show of affection tugging at his heartstrings violently. If he wasn't careful, he'd end up a sobbing mess in Steve's lap. So Bucky steeled himself and pressed his cheek lovingly against Steve's bared thigh, managing to look up at him fondly as he doubled his efforts. He wanted Steve to let go, he wanted to take care of him. He didn't have much time left, but what time he did have he intended to spend with his best friend doing everything in his power to make him happy.

And if Bucky tried hard enough, maybe he could win the war before it could touch him.

Steve felt hesitation from Bucky when he touched him. He hoped he hadn't offended his friend. He let slip more pleasurable noises in an attempt to let the man know he was enjoying himself. He wanted to return the favor. He didn't want to ruin this. It was the only thing they had that could express their unspeakable bond with each other. These thoughts were bound to drive him mad. They were staving off his climax, but just barely. Soon enough it was too overwhelming to fight.

Steve focused on the feeling of Bucky's tongue and lips against him. His hips were grinding against the man's face, aching for his release. He felt his breath quicken. His muscles tightened as his entire body finally gave in to the pleasure. "Bucky!" His hips raised high, he came forcefully on the larger man's beautiful face. It felt like it would never end. He could barely catch his breath enough to come back to reality.

He held his friend's face in his hands. What could he possibly say? He didn't even understand his emotions. But he knew they were real. And with this clarity came the reminder that he was leaving. Tears returned to his eyes. He never wanted to have to say goodbye. He had to do something.

"Goddamn. How did you learn to do that? Maybe it's time you taught me a thing or two."

Bucky accepted Steve's release gracefully, pleased when some spattered across his lips and tongue. The remnants he wiped off with his wrist, smiling sheepishly as he did. Even with his cock raining all over another guy's face Steve Rogers still managed to act the angel. "Why, I've been getting a lot of practice in, as you well know…" the dark-haired man rested comfortably on his side, brushing his mussed hair back from his face.

His own erection strained almost painfully against the front of his spotless trousers, though he did reach down to adjust himself a little under Steve's cerulean blue gaze. Bucky loved the way his friend looked at him when they did these things. It was only then that he felt like maybe Steve might feel a smidge of what Bucky felt for him. Deep down he knew he was just fooling himself, but when he was hard and Steve was pressing in tight against him, it really didn't matter. Bucky knew he would kick himself later, but in the moment it was everything.

Still, he couldn't let himself go like that. Once he'd started realizing it meant a lot more to him than Steve, he'd tried desperately to reign himself in. But this was it, things were winding down, and soon he'd be wishing he was here with his friend, messing around in the fading evening light. "Okay," Bucky agreed after considering it for a moment. "If that's what you really want."

Bucky undid his belt, sliding out of his pants easily, setting them aside, "If I ruin these my mom'll tan my hide," he then replaced himself next to Steve, "But I wanted to look good for you. So I risked it." It had taken a lot to admit, but he was feeling bold after their intimacy, and he figured he'd be gone soon anyhow. He could let loose a little. "For the record, I don't think you need any coaching. You always know just what to do to drive me wild."

Bucky's heart was hammering in his chest as Steve looked him over, as though trying to decide what to do. Up until then they'd stuck to mostly hands, some mutual grinding, the occasional mouth action. No matter what Steve chose, Bucky was always blown away. Just having the blonde beside him was enough to make his heart skip uncontrollably. Steve had never swallowed him down though, he'd always pulled back, and Bucky wondered if that's what his friend was asking.

"You know I'm up for anything. And if you're not feelin' it, that's no problem either. I'm not greedy," Bucky grinned at that, honest though it was, since his reputation often said otherwise. But a reputation was really only perception, and if one played their cards right, they could have any reputation they liked. As long as the girls in the neighborhood thought he was a fox, he was safe. All he really cared about though, was how Steve thought of him. "I'm just glad to be here with my best guy," the dark-haired man ran a thumb tenderly along Steve's sharp cheekbone, memorizing the features of his pale face for a millionth time. It never got old.

Steve lay there helpless as he tried to catch his breath. All his body wanted to do now was pass out with Bucky in his arms. But he wasn't about to let this night end so soon. He held his friend's face close to him, not wanting to let go. He didn't know how to tell him what he was feeling, so he just said, "Yes. Please."

He watched as the man slipped out of his trousers. He was surprised to hear Bucky had put so much effort into his appearance. Steve just assumed that looking good was his natural state of being. "Heh. I don't really know what I'm doing." He feigned ignorance. Though honestly he never had to try with Bucky. Everything just came naturally.

Steve gazed at the specimen before him, exposed as he was. He wished he could be as comfortable with his body as Bucky was. He was instantly turned on again and couldn't decide what to do with his friend first. Best take things slow, he thought. He held Bucky's face in his hand and kissed him gently. All the while sliding his other hand down the man's chest, brushing his nails against a nipple teasingly, finally reaching his erection. His own member twitched with excitement as he stroked his friend slowly. "I'm up for everything, Buck."

Bucky watched the minute indication of emotions and thoughts playing across Steve's angular face, his body hot and ready to go, but his heart felt soft and exposed. The older man snorted softly at his friend's claim that he wasn't certain what he was doing. True or not, he never failed to please Bucky. It was a blessing. Steve seemed overstimulated, so the dark-haired man prepared himself to back down if he needed to. All he cared about was his friend's comfort. "Hey, buddy, we don't have to do anything, honest. It's not a big deal," Bucky flashed a friendly smile, showing Steve he wasn't just saying these things to be nice, "I'm perfectly happy with everything. It's been a long day, I understand if you wanna -"

When the other man reached forward to touch his face, Bucky braced himself, but the overwhelming emotions still crashed through him, making his breath stutter awkwardly in his excitement. He bit his lips and had to concentrate to open and raise his eyes to back Steve's pale countenance, not allowing himself to hide from the moment. As the kiss was given however, Bucky couldn't help it as his eyelashes fluttered shut, his heart jumping into his throat. God, he was a goner.

Bucky tried to choke back the whimper that sprung loose when Steve's soft hand curled around him, but it escaped him between kisses, his body melting under the attention. He'd not had another hand on him in the month or so Steve had been nursing his mother. Bucky had been there for a lot of it, but Steve often insisted on being alone, and the older man knew when he really needed it. It'd been the most difficult thing in his life, letting Steve deal with something on his own, especially after taking care of him for so long, but it had brought them closer in the end. His nickname falling from Steve's lips was enough to steal the air from his lungs, he'd never get used to the connection he felt from such a simple thing. It was a battle to find a breath.

Shuddering in delight under the careful touch, Bucky couldn't contain his small cries and hisses as the pleasure trickled and then welled up inside him. Between panting, gentle kisses he languidly arched his hips into the small but firm palm, remembering the pottery class they'd taken together, and the way he'd admired Steve's control of his slight hands. "This is perfect Stevie, yeah, just like that," Bucky could barely contain his need, fighting with himself to keep it tame, though really what he wanted he was never going to ask for. Instead, he compromised.

"Lemme get you back," he mumbled against the blonde's kiss swollen mouth, slippery from their saliva and delicious as ever. Scooting closer he reached down between them and gathered Steve's cock up, patiently stroking him back to full mast, grinning in triumph as he managed it without losing himself to the thrill of it. Tangling their legs together he got close enough for their erections to meet, and pressed, nudging their hips in as tightly as they could manage.

"I want to feel more of you," he whispered as he began to nibble along Steve's neck, the elation of being so intimate again running away with his senses. Steve was slight enough that Bucky could slip an arm under the man's body to hold him closer even as he cupped his friend's hand and began to touch as much as he could of all that lay in the valley of their bodies. It was intoxicating, and it required a lot of his concentration not to get carried away.

The more Steve gave him the less he could contain himself. He began to shiver, his mind becoming sloshy as he neared his release, all the things he had to bite back fighting to escape his arousal reddened lips. Bucky began to lose his grip on all of it, squeezing his eyes shut as he couldn't bring himself to care anymore, thrusting into Steve's fist with abandon. "I'm gonna - ah Steve, I can't - oh god, yes, please -" Bucky's last word was a pitiful moan, scraping out of his strained throat as he finally shuddered, spilling hot and wet against his best friend. His face was buried in Steve's neck, the skin there moist and splotchy from Bucky's teeth and suckling kisses. The older man didn't care though, relieved as he was that he hadn't given away the depth of his true desires. It was time to get back in character.

"Jesus Steve, you almost had me with that bit about needing pointers," Bucky fought to breathe as he rolled over to lay on his back, sweaty and satisfied for the first time in weeks. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he finally began to relax, realizing he'd been carrying around a lot more stress than he'd known. "Good one buddy, ya got me."

Steve delighted in every thrust Bucky made into his slender fingers. It elated him to be able to give his friend such pleasure. He was surprised Bucky still wanted to stimulate him back, but his body was still responsive and the feeling was too blissful to deny. It didn't take long for the blood to rush back and make him hard again. The feel of Bucky's cock against his made him throb with lust.

Steve's hands wandered all over Bucky's body. His hips instinctively grinding against his friend's. Their hands stroking themselves and each other in unison. As Steve felt Bucky's orgasm approaching, he focused on the head of the man's erection, giving it all that he could. He held his friend tight as he came in his hand. It was so intoxicating that Steve himself felt another release, spilling what was left inside him to mix with Bucky's on his stomach.

They clung their shuddering bodies together in post-coital bliss. Steve smiled at Bucky's teasing. He could barely move. He felt he would be content lying there with his friend until they had enough energy to go again. This was suddenly the most important thing to him in his life. Even after coming twice. Steve never wanted to let Bucky go. "What can I say? You bring the best out of me."

"Is that what this is?" Bucky kidded brightly, holding up his wet hand, eyes half-lidded and heavy from his lingering orgasm. Without a second thought the older man gave his fingertips a lick, his enjoyment of the moment causing him to act instead of think. He didn't care though, for that few minutes after they shared something like that, he figured he was allowed to be a little weird.

With a laugh he dropped his hand and pulled Steve close once more, suckling at Steve's mouth languidly, simply enjoying the sensation. When he pulled back he hummed his appreciation of the contact, licking his lips pointedly, "Tasty. This counted as dessert, right? I hope you're up for seconds." Bucky joked smoothly, leaning over Steve like he was going to climb on top of him, only to grab up the cookies from their forgotten place on the night stand and settle back into his previous spot.

"Gotta keep my boy fed," he teased, pressing one of the baked goods to Steve's slightly agape mouth, raising his eyebrows in expectation. "I maybe kinda lied a little when I said my mom made these ya know… I might've been trying my hand at it." Bucky bit his bottom lip in anticipation, feeling exposed at revealing his secret. Suddenly he felt terribly nervous. Bucky shrugged then, like he didn't care if Steve ended up hating them, "Ma says I used too much cinnamon. I just...I wanted to do something nice for you."

Steve managed a laugh as he tried to catch his breath. The way Bucky was so casual with this made him bashful, but it gave him hope. As though this was something he could get used to.

He nearly cried when Bucky climbed atop him asking for seconds. He wanted it more than anything, but his body couldn't take anymore, and he didn't want to give his friend the wrong idea. Steve was relieved when he came back with cookies. He reached for one hungrily, but Bucky beat him to it, as the cookie was pushed suggestively into his mouth. He laughed again, nearly spilling the cookie all over the bed, but he caught himself and took a bite.

His first thought was that Mrs. Barnes must have improved her recipe. He ate the whole thing hungrily as Bucky made his confession. Steve couldn't believe his friend had done something so thoughtful. He placed a hand on Bucky's as he swallowed as much of it as he could.

"Bucky, you're the best friend a guy could have. And your baking is top notch. I'm not just saying that. I'd say your mom doesn't use enough cinnamon." He managed to muster up enough courage to kiss his friend tenderly on the forehead. "Thank you."

Bucky had to duck his head to hide that his eyes were beginning to shine with the promise of tears at Steve's show of affection. "Ahhhh, it was nothing," he acted like the was feigning sheepishness, but he genuinely felt exposed, his cheeks burning hot. God, he was acting like a girl with a crush. They were only cookies, it wasn't a marriage proposal. Hell, they weren't even going steady. Not like that was even an option for them.

The logical thoughts were painfully sobering, and the harshness of reality helped his eyes to dry before they spilled a single tear. "There are a dozen more back home, I guess I wanted to see if you even liked them before I offered them up," the older man shrugged, finally meeting their gazes again. "You don't' have to move right away or anything. I mean, it'll take a couple days to clean up and then there's the moving. Pops says we can borrow the truck," Bucky laid back then, looking up at the familiar ceiling, thinking of all the times he'd laid there in Steve's arms and felt so much desire and confusion over what they were doing. In the end though, he always was glad for it.

"I know rent's paid up 'til next month. Ma's said you can come along anytime though," the words were out of his mouth before he'd realized he'd never brought the subject up with Steve that day. It'd simply been an assumption in his mind that that was the plan, that was what they were working towards. He'd briefly forgotten how stubborn Steve could be. He wanted to kick himself.

Bucky winced, bracing himself for the impending argument. "Before you say anything, I know that's not your plan. I know you want to strike off on your own but Steve, you're family. We want you to live with us, there's no reason for you to go it alone. The fact of the matter is, I'm not gonna be here in a few weeks, and Ma's expecting you to take my room." He'd fully intended not to bring up the subject of the army again after his confession, but there it was. At this point he'd say whatever he had to to know that Steve had a place to stay where he could keep an eye on him.

Steve was genuinely impressed with Bucky's thoughtfulness. He knew it must have taken the man a lot of work to make such delicious treats for him. It gave him a warm feeling in his heart.

Bucky's mention of moving threw him off guard. Steve assumed he was talking about helping him find an apartment until he brought up his mother. The smaller man just listened in confusion as he watched panic fill the eyes of his friend. He wanted Steve to stay at his place? He wasn't sure he could accept that. He was more than capable of taking care of himself, and he didn't want to be a burden. "I... Are you sure, Bucky? That seems like a huge strain to put on your poor parents."

He could tell Bucky was already anticipating his refusal. Steve saw something in his friend's eyes that was unmistakable. He was not going to take no for an answer. What choice did he have? Mrs. Barnes was like a mother to him. And Bucky... Honestly he couldn't imagine not being with the man as much as possible until he left. He would just have to swallow his pride.

"If you insist, I can't refuse. Honestly the sooner I can get out of this place the better. That is, if you don't mind sharing your room."

"Never been a problem before," Bucky could feel the relief settling over him like a calming blanket. He'd honestly never expected Steve to agree. "Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?" he kidded even as he scooted closer, emboldened by the acceptance of his offer. He stole a kiss, then rolled away to lighten the mood, figuring there was only so much he could get away with. Steve enjoyed a little stimulation as much as any guy, but if Bucky came on too strong he was sure their friendship would suffer.

Clearing his throat he ran a hand through his sweaty hair, straightening his clothes a bit. "Well there's no hurry. My room's not going anywhere. Besides, I figured you'd wanna take advantage of your privacy while you have the chance. I mean, unless you think you can keep quiet?" Bucky raised a brow pointedly, silently reminding Steve of the time they'd messed around at his place and got a little too into it. Bucky's mother had come to the rescue, inquiring after Steve's moaning, and the boys had to make up some story about too much ice cream. It was nearly a disaster. Funny now of course, but at the time, no laughing matter.

"We've got some time before I go. We're going to the gym for sure. And you should go ahead and finish up that last semester of French without me. On the bright side, you won't have to share books with me anymore," Bucky teased, remembering how irritated Steve could get when the older man would scribble in the blank columns relentlessly. Bucky stripped off his button up shirt then, leaving on his white tank, but thought better of it and yanked it over his head too. He used it to clean up the mess drying on his stomach, then tossed it to Steve.

"I'm beat. I dunno about you but it's been a long day. I can take the couch," he started gathering his things, planning on giving the other man his much needed space, and flashed him a friendly smile to offset the fact that he was indeed standing unabashedly in the nude.

Steve felt his face flush as Bucky kissed him. He hoped he hadn't been too forward. Everything was happening so fast now. All he could think about was his best friend leaving him. But Bucky was being so cavalier as always. Steve didn't want to make him worry, surely the man was going through enough emotional conflict. So Steve did his best to keep his feelings in check.

Steve placed his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Well we could always come back here if we need to get away," he teased, "I just feel like it'd be easier to adapt if I were there with you." And he had to admit to himself that the loneliness was getting to him.

He was very much looking forward to the lessons with Bucky. Steve always felt inferior when it came to his fighting skills. He knew he had some learning to do. Continuing his French lessons however, suddenly felt inconsequential. He knew Bucky would never let him quit, though. So he decided to keep his mouth shut.

Steve caught Bucky's shirt and wiped himself off. His exhaustion was starting to catch up with him as well. He watched as the larger man stood naked in front of him. Such a perfect specimen. He realized he had to say something now or he'd forever regret it.

"You... You don't have to go. If you don't want to."

Bucky had busied himself picking up his scattered clothing, stepping around the many boxes now settled here and there around the room. He shrugged as his friend spoke, nodding in agreement. "Alright, if you're sure. I'll hold you to that if you feel like messing around," Bucky couldn't hide his smug smile, knowing there was no way Steve could keep the presence of mind to prevent his mother or father hearing them, should anything happen. And when they were alone, things usually happened. Bucky was sorely aware he was always the one initiating things, but Steve went along with it, and he was grateful to have such a superb friend.

When Steve's voice met his ears again Bucky blinked a bit in genuine surprise, but didn't let it show too much. "Yeah, okay. If you're sure it won't bug you." The older man's tone was flippant, but his chest ached something fierce. Steve was hurting bad, had to be, to reach out in a way he never had before. It worried Bucky immensely. "Move over, big guy," he teased affectionately, brushing a hand over Steve's soft blonde hair as he slid into the small bed beside his ailing best friend.

It took him a moment to get comfortable, but when he did his back faced the other man, Bucky doing what he could to not take up too much space. "I'm out, buddy. But I'm here if you need me," the bigger man muttered sleepily, shrugging his shoulder a bit as the chill night air nipped at it.

Steve was relieved when Bucky agreed to sleeping with him. He didn't know what had come over him. He'd spent practically every night of his life sleeping alone in his bed, but something told him that if he let his friend stay on the couch, Steve would be up all night worrying about him.

He slid over in the bed to make room for the larger man, pulling down the covers in an attempt to air out the sheets after their recent tussle. "Thanks, Buck. Good night." Steve could feel his cheeks flushing as they lay beside one another. It was strange, but it felt right, somehow. He set his head on the pillow and stared at his friend's back, trying to sort out his feelings, but lying on the comfy bed was too distracting and soon his exhaustion took the better of him.

#stucky #fanfiction #fanfic #stucky fic #stucky fanfiction #bucky barnes #steve rogers #chapter 1

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aworldbeyondthelookingglass · 8 years ago

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Agonda, Goa.

So it's been four days since I got to Agonda, so I thought it was about time to give a proper update. Agonda is beautiful. Just like all the Goan beaches. I've had a lovely time so far and apart from New Year's Eve it's been pretty mellow, just how I like it. I've been having breakfast out, then lazing on the beach most days and swimming in the sea. The sea is so nice, and it's pretty wavy and the current is strong so it's quite fun! There's a mini surf school so it's fun to watch the surfers when the waves are big. Today, the 2nd, I checked out of Duck 'n' Chill which were the huts I was staying at, and got a taxi to Aiethein Healing massage school. It's just one long street but walking it takes about 25 minutes and with my heavy bags and the heat I didn't really fancy it! Duck 'n' Chill was great. It's right at the other end of Agonda so it's super chilled and quiet, but it did make walking home a bit scary after I'd had dinner and if I'd gone elsewhere, so I'm kind of glad to be more in the thick of it now. Saying that though, the beach is so nice up that end because it's not busy, and I really loved all the staff there. As soon as I checked in they were so welcoming, and even though it was just four days I'm going to miss the staff there so I hope to go back for dinner or drinks some evenings- they do a bomb lemon ginger honey tea 👌🏾 Me and Joao met a group of Indian guys on New Years eve day and spent most of the day with them, and then on New Year's Day I spent most of the day with a guy called Guatama (same name as Buddha!). I have never laughed so much in such a long time. Maybe it was sleep deprivation but he had me in fits all day up until he left. He was on a road trip with a group of 6 so was leaving that afternoon to go back to work. He's originally from Delhi, from a well educated family, but works in Hyrdabhad, and was telling me all sorts of stories. His sense of humour was brilliant and there was never a moment of silence. We had a lot in common and it was the perfect way to start the new year, full of laughter. When I met him on New Year's Eve he actually came up to me to compliment me on my tattoo and asked what it was, then I told him about mandalas, the reason behind it and he opened up the book he was reading and it had tons of beautiful mandalas in it too! That day I didn't speak to him again, and his other friends were entertaining Joao and I, but it wasn't until the day after that we properly spoke and I'm glad we did! I'm a sucker for signs and believe there's tons of little signs which appear everywhere in your life without you even looking 🙏🏾✨ I had dinner on my own at a little restaurant that offers really cheap thalis and was going to go straight home as I had about four hours sleep the night before, but I decided to wander and ended up in a ladies shop. Some beautiful bags caught my eye, but then I saw a little baby with the biggest eyes rolling around on the floor. He was adorable and had the most amazing curly natural highlights in his hair! She showed me videos of her daughter who wasn't there and said she was the naughty one and they were really funny, lots of attitude! Her boy was the most smiley little thing ever. We chatted for a while, she obviously wanted to sell me something but I like to make conversation with them and hear their stories. She had an arranged marriage when she was 18, her daughter is 3 years old and her baby boy is 6 months. Her husband lives in Bombay and works as a taxi driver and her family are from Palolem, a beach about half an hour from Agonda. She is just 21 now and only sees her husband twice a week. She was very sweet, we compared our lives and the traditions of our countries, and after I told her about my massage course she told me that she also does henna and went to henna school in Bombay for four months! I never knew there were schools for it and thought they just learnt from each other, but she told me there are lots of different kinds of henna- for engagements, weddings and more, they're very detailed and particular.For weddings they get almost all their skin covered in henna and it can take a whole day! They have a five day lead up to the wedding with different traditions and parties, and one of those days is the mehndi ceremony which is the henna. So, naturally, I got her to do some henna on me. She desperately wanted to sell me something as she said New Years has been quiet and she promised a good price as it would bring her good luck etc etc (I'm sure they all say it, well I know they do!) but she was so sweet and has two babies to take care of (and soon another one as her family want her to have another boy! There's a lot of pressure to please the parents in Indian marriages), so I ended up buying a bag and the henna from her for 'good price, not anyone's price, special price for you for good luck." That's my indulgent spending done for the month! It was only £14 but I'm trying to be careful with my money now. Which leads me onto the cash crunch!!! It's a full on nightmare. They said it would get better after new year and we could take out more per transaction but it's only gone up to 4,500 which is just £60 and that was a maybe not a definite. I am going later to try so will find out. I've been getting too many charges taking three transactions out a day and the whole thing has been quite stressful. I came just with enough for the course and my living expenses with a little extra, but because I didn't just bring cash with me to exchange the fees are building up. The remainder of the course was meant to be paid in cash but I've spoken to my teacher and she's making an allowance for me, but I have to pay the PayPal fees which equal to just under £50. It's annoying and I've lost a lot of money with this whole situation. I had a tab at Duck 'n' chill and had a couple of drinks, teas, water bottles, two breakfasts and one dinner there and it came to 970 rupees in total so that's £9.70. So as you can see £50 would have gone a long way here, but there's nothing I can do about it now! I met Gagori the teacher and Nikhil her husband who is also the co-owner of the school. Gagori is lovely, she's exactly how imagined, so softly spoken and calm, and just as kind hearted and warm as how she came across over emails. It feels quite special meeting her now as I started speaking to her two years ago when I originally wanted to do the course, but pulled out due to being sick, so she knows what I had been going through, and it just feels so wonderful to finally meet her and be here at last. I also spoke to Nikhil who is equally lovely and actually asked him about my mosquito bites because they are driving me wild- I counted and have 57!!! No joke. He had a look at them and said they were definitely not mozzy bites and were bed bug bites! Ahhhhh!! He said it would be from the bed at Duck 'n' Chill. So I feel a bit gross now! But he said he would get Gagori to find something Ayurvedic that I can rub into them to stop them from itching and hopefully they will start going. What a nightmare! I was sad to leave the other place as it was nice, but now I'm a little relieved as I'm literally going out of my mind with the itchiness! All day and all night, now it's no wonder! So I'm all moved into my new home for the next month. It's lovely. Basic but big enough and everything I need. I've unpacked all my clothes into a cupboard which is a nice feeling, and I have a kettle so I can make tea (I thought ahead and brought a billion different kinds of tea bags, as well as oats and toppings to make porridge for breakfast when I want to be cheap!) although I am assuming the people on my course will have breakfast and lunch together so we'll see. Don't want to be too much of an unsociable stingy person haha. I have a confession to make as well. I've been a terrible vegan and have had a fish thali and an Israeli breakfast which came with shakshuka aka eggs. I know I know... biggest hypocrite going. I'm so passionate about veganism, I know it's the healthiest diet there is and I feel amazing for it. Mind and body. And I am really passionate about animal rights and the cruelty of it all and I don't want to participate in that. It's annoying because I feel torn. It's in my mind a lot, the guilt is there, but I also want to feel more free. But I still feel torn some days. I disagree with the meat, dairy and factory farming industry so therefore don't want to support it with my dollar. I also don't want to kill another being and take another's life just for purely selfish reasons. In India it's so different. The cows are seen as sacred. They believe their milk is a gift to them and also very healthy in Ayurveda (ghee, curd etc). I disagree with consuming dairy as it's meant for a baby cow, and I'm allergic which I think shows something in itself as how we shouldn't be digesting it and it's not natural. But I can see how in their culture it works for them. In Jainism they are pure vegetarians- basically vegetarian and no eggs but they say that if the cow lets you milk them then you should drink it. So they do consume dairy. Eggs; I hate the factory farming, I hate that baby male chicks get grinded alive because there's no purpose for them as they don't produce eggs. It's awful. I read in the Guardian a month back which had an article about a sanctuary in Horsham (of all places!) that rescue hens and chickens from being slaughtered and if they lay an egg then they sell them and all the eggs they sell are mostly to vegans! Vegans that eat eggs... Veggans 🍳. The logic is that the money you are giving to buy the eggs helps keep these places going, saving lots of hens and chickens from being slaughtered. They never force the chickens to lay an egg, they wander the grounds and feed off the land and if they lay an egg it gets collected and sold. That's a pretty great cause. Here in India it's also different. There is no such thing as these factory farms and everything seems more sustainable, taking what you need and no mass production. Keeping it small and simple. For some reason fish has always been something I felt a bit differently about. One side of me doesn't think they are the same as mammals, which is ridiculous I know. I know that no being wants to die. I also know that farmed fish is horrible and will never buy fish from a supermarket. But seeing how some places and countries live, making the most from the land and what they have, I see things a bit differently. When I lived in the Andaman Islands and now here, I see the fisherman go out on their little boats. One part of me believes that I am supporting them by eating fish because otherwise they wouldn't have a job as there would be no need for fish (I know that's ridiculous as me not eating fish isn't going to stop them fishing as there's about a billion and one people who will still be eating the fish) but you kind of see where I'm coming from. It's sustainable, it's locally caught and the small boats that go out are not killing all the sea life and ruining the flora and fauna of the sea in the process, unlike other fishing practices. The other part of me believes in what I've read from Buddhism, and that if you truly loved another then you couldn't kill. I believe that so much which is where I feel a lot of guilt. That there is no space for killing when leading a good life with good karma. I also believe all of that. So much. I want to be as good a person as I can be. No one is perfect but I want to know that I've done the best I can on this planet. With all of this, maybe you think I'm making up excuses. And maybe I am. But I see it in different ways now. I have been a strict vegan for almost three years now, but in this last year (well, actually literally last year!) I have had fish three times and eggs three times on different occasions. That's tiny in the scheme of 365 days of the year. I do feel like a hypocrite, because sometimes I can be a bit preachy because I do feel passionate about it and it makes me cry when I see anything about the meat and dairy industry. My feelings a true and honest. But no one is perfect. I am doing my best to make this world a good place and not support the big horrible money making industries or animal cruelty, and lead as peaceful and kind life as I can while I'm here. I will never ever consume meat again, it doesn't even cross my mind as a food group. I've made the connection there. But there are a few things that I might have on holiday or once in a blue moon if I know it's been wild caught, well looked after and treated well. And after I eat it I am grateful, appreciate it fully and don't take it for granted. I don't think animal products are all that healthy. I read mixed reviews on eggs and fish all the time. But at least I'm educated on that. It's never going to be a thing that I have all the time now, but I want to be a little more relaxed with myself, and hopefully one day I won't feel so torn or hard on myself for having eggs or fish if or when I do have it. I believe in the vegan diet 100% and will still be 98% vegan/plant based, but sometimes that 2% is going to happen and I'm trying to accept that it's ok. So all in all and to conclude, I know I'm a hypocrite, but I'm trying to be the kindest educated hypocrite I can be. I want to try and make 2017 a year where I stick to local foods and produce, live off the land that I'm in as much as possible. It's all very well being vegan or plant-based,but if you're paying for avocados or mangoes that have been imported from god knows where with all those air miles, that seems crazy in itself and kind of goes against sustainable living again. So I don't do resolutions but I'm definitely going to try and incorporate and be conscious of that from this year more. Tonight will be another quiet night. I'm going to try and go on a run early morning before it gets too hot and then at 4:30pm we meet at the school to sort of register and meet the other students which I'm looking forward to! I'm the biggest beach bum going and fully accept it and hold my hands high 🙌🏾and a part of me thought I'll be a bit sad being right by the beach all day until 5pm and not being able to swim and sunbathe. Which is exactly why I thought it was best to get a few days in before I start as I'm leaving the morning after the course ends so won't have time then. But anyway, I'm super excited about learning everything now and getting started. I'll admit there is only so much lazing you can do and I like to think of myself as a productive person that likes to be kept busy and active. I can't wait to learn everything there is to know about Ayurveda, the doshas, the history behind all the processes and a different way of thinking. Opening my mind. It's going to be intense, six days a week and homework on Sundays, but I'm so ready for a new challenge, new skills to add to my repertoire, and to feel even more connected to India in my heart than I already do. I feel emotional being back here. I've had an emotional year. 2016 had some real highs but a lot of real lows. Illness, depression and in turn creating/encouraging that illness myself because I was stuck in this circular all encompassing 'thing' was tough, and hard to see any way out of. To think about how miserable I was then to where I am now is really weird. I didn't even think I was going to write about this until here I am doing it, but I guess the emotions have poured it all out of me and come to the surface and now I'm crying on the beach. Life is weird, but everyday is a new start which is pretty magical, and everyday you have the opportunity to learn something new. I feel like I've really created a life I love, staying true to myself and the person I've become, and I'm proud of myself even if at times it seemed useless, hard or frustrating. I'm finally doing a job I love, I found yoga, I found plant-based living, I exercise out of love and enjoyment and not from a place of self-hate, I found balance, and I found love again and feel so very loved in return. It's a beautiful feeling to look back on how much your life can change in the space of just a year!! 2017 is going to be full of positivity, happiness, love and new adventures, and I can't wait for what's around the corner. I'm really living in the present again and it feels good to be back in this place/space. Sometimes it feels selfish to feel this happy. After being miserable and depressed for so long it feels foreign and like I'm not worthy of this feeling. After spending time with Francesco, which has obviously been a big part of my recent happiness, I felt that life was being too good to me, and that something bad was going to happen because I couldn't be and wasn't allowed to be this happy. I know that's totally irrational, but it's a true feeling and it shows to me that I haven't felt this happy inside in a long time. My fear of flying has always been bad, but it got very bad after leaving Francesco at the airport, and I know a huge part of that was because I was worried that my life/our life is just starting and my irrational thoughts make me believe that I can't be this happy, so something bad is going to happen and then I attach that to my fear of flying and think of worst case scenarios. But I know I'm allowed to be happy, and I'm allowed to create the life I love and want to live. We are all in control of our own lives and only you are the one that can change it if you aren't happy or something isn't right. It's in our hands, our heads, our mindset and our hearts. I hope that this next year is a great year for everyone I know and love. Even though I don't do as much Vipassana meditation as I used to, I still hear Goenka in my ear chanting 'may all beings be happy' and I wish that for all, now and everyday. I'll post again soon once I've started my course in two days time, and have many more exciting tales to tell. But for now, Namaste 🙏🏾 Ali x

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translationandbetrayals · 4 years ago

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My journey into watching anime.

I was not an anime viewer. I can say that I didn't have any problems with people who watched it (the otaku ones) but I used to think that it just wasn't for me. The characters were always too loud and exagerated, and when I was younger I didn't like subtituled things (the reading, of course), and nobody around me watched it. Also, my town is so incredibly small, that I thought that if non of my friends watched it, nobody did.

But when I was 16 that I realized because of the internet, that much of the TV shows that I watched when I was a little boy were actually anime shows. Pokémon, Digimon, Doraemon, Detective Conan, etc. I was really surprised, because I didn't remember watching them thinking "Oh, this is too loud and exagerated", actually, I used to love getting home from school and sitting in my living room to have lunch and watch "Detective Conan" with my grandmother. This was so confusing to me, because first of all, I didn't know that one of my favorite shows (Digimon) was an anime. I even watched it when I was 14, but for some reason I didn't find out. And second of all, it was a slap in my childhood, because all the shows that I loved were this thing that I think was too noisy and overvalued. I wasn't expecting it at all, so it was a little bit difficult to process.

Well, that happened when I was 16, but I didn't start watching anime, I didn't have the time nor the interest in doing it. In fact I would say that I didn't change my opinion of anime, and all of this "slap in the face" information, I discredit it with the idea that those animes were old, and that I only liked them because they were translated into spanish (low key xenophobic back then not gonna lie). It was until I was 18 years old, right after a heart break that I decided to watch "Naruto", because of two things. One, I had a friend that insisted me for weeks, and number two, my mom didn't let me watch it, because it was too violent.

It was the best idea that I had in many many time. I devoured it. I started Naruto at the beggining of January, 2017 and I saw the penultimate episode of "Naruto shippuden" the day before the last episode aired (March 23rd, 2017), filler episodes included. Since then, I have watched much more anime shows. That I even have forgotten some of them. I really enjoy the variety, I learn a lot, I cry, I scream, I laugh. Anime has given me so much emotion and passion the last 4 years of my life, and it really makes me kind of sad to think that I didn't like it because who knows what. I was depriving myself from the best experiencies that I have had, and now that I'm living it, I won't let it go for nothing, in fact, i almost only watch anime (and yes, I have seen Naruto and Naruto shippuden 3 times from beginning to end)

Please, give it a try, you won't regret it.

Camilo Figueroa Castro.

#Anime #personalstory #submission

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chickenstuffedwithmozzarella · 7 years ago

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Holiii! They didnt want to watch Dunkirk? Too bad. A sting one? I didnt hear about that. But its possible. 3000 euros? Byeee😂😂😂😂. I'm a broken student. Have some mercy on me pls. I agree 100% with what you said about parenting and conditioning kids. It's kind of sad, but also real. (1)

Hiiii!!!! Sorry I’m so late, but what a weekend! Did you know that today was Mother’s Day?L well, a lot of people seemed to have forgotten it 🙄🙄. I had so many things to do, lol. But, well, I, gonna try answer everything, bc tomorrow I won’t be able either, and I don’t want to have you waiting.Okay, in their defense I’ll say they have already seen it,jajjajaa. But, well, why don’t watch it again!?!?! I think it was a Sting one. If not him, someone like him, oops 🙊.I thing it’s cheaper now. That was like 8 years ago. Now, I guess there are more clinics that do it. Back then, there was only one. But look at the good side, if you sight isn’t stable yet, you can’t have it done. And we you finally can, you’ll have a job (hopefully) to pay for it, and it will be cheaper, jejeje.

Bringing balloons sounds like a great idea!! They had them at the last show i went and it was really cool (even though i never got to touch one of them. Jajajaj). If you do decide to bring them, i’m sure you all will have a wonderful time! Ooh, okay. Thanks for the info. I’ll take a pic when she finally puts the poster and i will send it to you🤗 (2)

Lol, imagine if I bring them, and I start glowing them, and I get dizzy, and miss part of the concert because I get sick, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. That’d be awful!! jjajaja. But I’m slowly convincing myself to bring them, and then I’ll see if I can blow them and all that. (Ijejdiebdc I really rally want!!! But I don’t want people looking at me like I’m a crazy old lady 😅 (even if no one sees me)).I’d love to see that door, but only show me if you’re totally comfortable with it,love.

JAJAJAJA. Andy y Lucas? Really? (They came to my city’s festivity last year😂) Almost the same thing as Niall. Yep. I wasnt allowed to go to a show without my parents until i was 18 years old, and look at them now! And this is no even their first concert. Last year we went to see Ed Sheeran in Barcelona (another Bday present for my little sister). I dont know how they can be so convincing (lying. I do know. My sister is the little one and that counts…). But i’m happy for them. I really am. (4)

Hey, Andy y Lucas were a totally hit with they’re first album ,jajaja, have some respect 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Me and my friends spent a summer walking around with our DiskMan (you know what it is, don’t ya) on hand, listening and singing their songs, lol. I got to see them twice now that I remember, lol. They came to where my sister was living, and we went to see them. Again me dragging my sister to see artist she doesn’t like,jajajja. Tbh, I haven’t being to a lot of concerts in my life :( I’ve to see: Andy y Lucasx2, Bisbal, Bustamante and Rosa (year 2002), David Civera!! 🤣 (2001), Pereza, and I think that’s that. Then I went to 1D in 2014, and Harry and Niall this year. What a lame teenage. I’d love to see Ed, how good it was?? Also, you’re little sister is a proper little sibling, eh!! Jajajaja.

Yes yes. Now they have to come back to make it up to me. (DO IIIIT PLS, IM DYING). Oooh. I saw the video of honey you uploaded 😍 Weird, but cute. Jajajajaja Yep. I’m pretty sure she follows you, because i’m always showing her blogs that i like; “this one is hilarous” or “look at the art”, and when i first found yours i was like “WHAAAAAAAT. A SPANISH LARRIE. CANT BE”. So i showed it to her. But i’m not worried bcs she is been so busy she doesnt even check tumblr anymore. Sadly. (5)

Weird is a thing to called it. Some people think is disgusting,jajajajja. I don’t careeeee, I love my weirdoooo!!! Jajajaja I go around showing his videos to whoever wants to listen,jajajjajaaj. Ohhh, I’m a Spanish larrie 😢. There are so few of us…there are probably a lot more of us, but since we all speak in English, you can’t never know. I’ve found other Spanish larries, but don’t think I follow anyone, lol. Have I told you about the most absurd thing that has ever happened to me???????? It was at Harry’s concert. The girl who I sold a ticket to, avert been talking for a bit, turns to me an ask me with the most serious face you can think “are you a larrie?” But in Spanish sounds different, as it’s something I don’t talk out loud ever,jajaja “(eres larrie?)”. And I turned to her like a little rabbit flashed in the middle of a road 😳. And I asked her “are you?” Jajajaja. And we both were, obviously. (I laughed at the absurdity of the conversation,jajajaja). And we talked a bit about Larry things, but with hushed voices, just to not alert any anti/her, whatever you want to call it,jajajaja. Well, if she doesn’t check, you don’t have to be worried. But are you keeping her informed on everything that happens? (Harry’s suits, everything Niall, Limo’s new song, LOUIS!!)

JAJAJAJA. Fun fact, my name is indeed a flowery one. Idk how, but you got that right. We can keep that name if you want. I like it. It’s cute 😊 Ooh. Yes. You started babtsitting this week right? I forgot to ask how it went. Sorry :( Omg. Your cousins sounds amazing. Really smart. He could read at the age of 2? That’s… a lot. And photographic memory? That’s a blessing amd a curse. Is that because of the autism? (I’m sorry i dont know a lot about autism) (6)

SERIOUSLY???? I don’t know why (well, I know why. I’m half witch-half human, but can talk about that later,jajaja), but you reminds me of flowers (my brain is very weird, and doesn’t make sense a lot of the time). Okay, I’ll tag things I want you to see with flower anon. Probably I’ll include a 🌺 in the tags, but that’s just because I live for emojis,jajajajja.Hey, don’t worry for not asking, I forget a lot of things, and then I remember at the most random times 🙄🙄. Well, he’s like very special. When they thought he was autist(?), doctors considerate him a super intelligent one. But in one of his revisions, they told my cousin’s parents that he wasn’t autist, but he was a very slow normal kid. So 🤷🏻‍♀️. Anyway, I don’t think photography memory is because of that. His mom has it too and my cousin (my little cousin’s dad) is always telling who usefully it was for her when she was at uni,jajajaja. He’s only a bit jealous. But I don’t know about my cousin. Of course I see his different to the rest of kids his age, but at the same time he knows thinks kids at his age don’t even dream about knowing. And is not exactly that he knew how to read, but with his memory he could recognize a word after having watched Optica written once, and repeat it out loud. Like, his mom could write once Papá, and he could remember the world anytime you’d write it. And they taught him a lot of words. And we buy him a lot of toys related with words and all that, so he learn what sound goes with what letter. So he just started reading one day. It’s amazing.

🤦🤦Depriving someone of strawberry cake only because it is pink should be considered a crime. Yeah, i think my friend wrote it. And i told her in my answers that i thought the survey was not well done, but she hasnt reach me, and i dont think she will. I’m not sure she will even use my answers bcs i went a bit overboard with them. I guess she was looking for “yes/no because of that” answers but instead i wrote her a dissertation about sexuality, genders and social construction. Ups. (7)

Pink candies even!!! Isn’t that a big case of bad parenting?!?! 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’ll show you what I did yesterday (I hope I don’t forget,lol), and you’ll understand why I’m the rainbow queen,jajajaja.Well, if you’re close enough to each other, I think you could talk to her in person? Explain her why it was wrong? She can ignore you if you’re face to face. Maybe she’ll learn something? Maybe she didn’t saw anything wrong with the way it was written, but if you explains it to her, she’ll understand. 🤷🏻‍♀️Also, well done 👏🏻👏🏻 on being faithful to you and your thoughts! I’m proud of you!!

Same happens to me. I spend far too much alone, and when i can, i talk as much as possible. I totally understand. Niall had kittens? She was the one that eat them? Or it was another of the cats? Oh oh!! I just remembered you said in the tags the other day that we should talk about fics and recs, but i forgot to answer then. Did you wanna talk about something in particular?? (8)

Yeah, Niall has kittens. And this time she didn’t get to eat them. She hid them anger something and two of them died. And the other one died yesterday, I think, because she didn’t feed it. I don’t know what is wrong with that cat. We even thought that something was wrong with the kittens (because their parents were siblings (niall and Louis 😅), but this time soured they were sons of another dad, so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️. It must be her.Ooooohhhhh, fics. I love reading fics, jajaja, but I can think about anything in particular now 😭😭😭😭😭 (Bc I’m tired, and sleeping, and dreading tomorrow’s morning 😫😫). But, yes, of course, someday will talk about fics. When you’re freer. Also, when were your exams starting this week or last week???? 😱😱😱 I can’t remember!! This weekend was soooo long, it felt like a month!! Jajaja. But very very very good luck on your exams!!! You keep me informed, please?

Hazte oír? Please, dont remember me that. I was so angry. I still am. And part of my family (my conservative cousins) agree with that statement and the organisation and uh 😷. I dont understand how they can be so intolerant. I find it horrifying. Some months ago, my teacher brought someone to give a lecture, and i left halfway because i was getting too angry about what he was saying, and later i found he was from Hazte Oír and it all made sense. (9)

WHAT?? You have family who supports that?? Who are you related to them?? Okay, I started answering this before I finish reading, and now that I did you’ve let me speechless. They brought someone from that association to your uni??? 😳. I can’t believe it. But I applaud you for leaving. What a shame. Seriously, I don’t know what to tell. I find it horrifying that teachers/schools/universities do that. Because that is educate in hate. 😡😡😡😡 I’m getting angry just thinking it. I don’t know why, but I become irrational when I’m in front of that kind of thoughts. Like all I want to do is shut their f*cking mouths, and scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPP!!!! IdufbvbfivubrfvI’m so sorry you have to deal with that!!

JAJAJJAJA. I wasnt serious. I just find hilarious when they call us a cult. Because we are not ?? Nop. I’m her favourite guinea pig, and she know that i dont do wax. I have only done that 2 times, and there’s not gonna be a third. I relate too much to your cousin, jajajaja. I just help her when she need someone to practice massages with, or anything not involving wax. I dont know about Oh Anna life, but a version without the screaming & the backround noises would be nice. (Reminder approved). 10

I call us a cult??? When??? Jajajjaja. I don’t remember, but if I said it, it was sarcasm, for sure, jajajaa.Jajaja “and there’s not gonna be a third” 🤣🤣🤣🤣. Oh, but aren’t you smart??? Jajajaja. You only want the good things!! No no, I you want a massage, you have to go to her wax exams, jajajaja. I don’t know why people don’t go willingly to be waxed by people who’s learning how to wax. What bad could happen?? Jajaja. My wax teacher told us that once, a previous year, one of the students let a drop of was fall on an another student eye. And to retire that wax, they had to cut her eyelashes!! THAT is horrific and traumatic!! She told us, so we didn’t ever forget that we don’t have move the wax around our clients faces/eyes. And it was the perfect story to never do it,jajaja.At this moment, I’m all in about buying a delux album with just oh Anna, Medicine, baby honey, and that melody he played yesterday(?) for 15€ plus (gastos de envío).

YOU SAW THE NEWS ABOUT LOUIS? HE IS PARTIALLY FREE. Yaaaay. And also, Liam appeared on TV? Where? What did they say? Pd. He said the word “sacapuntas” once again😂 and i love him. And, have you watched familiar mv? I havent yet, but my sister said it was cool. And last but no least, how are you? Did you had a good time? 11

Ay, don’t remember me. I still get emotional imagining good things happening to Louis. I hope/wish/pray that everything is happening in that regard is accord to him. And that this isn’t another fake good thing. I’m so tired of expecting good for him, and then he never gets it. And, realistically, I know at some point in the future, he will be “completely” free, but I can’t wait for that day. BE TOMORROW!! Well, we only can wait and see how thing go happening.Yes, I already told you about Liam. It was just exactly a minute, but it makes me so happy. And he’s everywhere!! Even in Spain! I can’t believe it. He’s doing so well. I think he said sacapuntas too,jajajaja. That’s all he knows!!🤣🤣😱😱😱 I haven’t yet!!! I totally forgot!!! I hope tomorrow I get to watch it. Sorry, limo.I’m good, thanks for asking, jajajaa, just a bit tired and sleepy. And tomorrow I have to go to some doctors p, I have to wake up at dawn (🤣🤣🤣🤣, it’s been so long since I woke up that early). But well, my sister just changed me this week’s day of work. Instead of Tuesday, I have to go on Wednesday, so u can nap Monday and Tuesday!jajaja (I haven’t go to sleep in Sunday, and I’m already thinking about my Tuesday’s nap 😅😅). And this Friday. IGET TO SEE NIALL!!!!! 😱😭😱😭😱😭 I can’t waiiiittttt!!!!!!!

This is what i we’re doing for some time yesterday, see the rainbow?? Jajajaa. I try to put rainbows every time I get a chance 🤣🤣🤣. I’m evil!!! (I know it’s not exactly a rainbow, but it was the most similar I could get 😅). And see this pink candies (marshmallows) at eh bottom? Well, some boys/kids can’t eat them, bc they’ll lose their masculinity 🙄🙄🙄🙄.

That’s all for tonight my lovely flower 🌺 anon. Have a nice day/week. Keep studying hard, so you can get your good results at the end of it all. 😚😚

#flower anon #🌺🌺#I love this #ejieyygriydgcidguc #going to sleep now #😴😴😴😴#and how was you're weekend???

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