#kill the fucking HOA in your head

[shifa-rants]

I regards to the "evil evil mint" argument, my grandparents have mint growing in the ground in the backhouse "front yard". And like, you can barely smell it and it's behaving and staying within the designated spot. Like the point of gardening is constant maintenance and they have plenty of time. The mint is not a problem they even have other stuff growing with it and it's not even affecting the other plants at all.

To be honest a lot of yall need to touch dirt and actually work with it if able. I've lived in a place where the only garden we could have was in buckets and whatever container we can find because the manager didn't even want grass growing in the tiny little lawn we did have at the apartment complex. He ripped up the little side dirt patches that were available for garden use and was being used and covered it with cement on one side and wood chips on the other. Like this guy just really didn't want to deal with any fucking greenery at all.

So yeah I do agree with OP and there should be a right to garden law. Of fucking course people who really do want to garden are gonna look up what plants work and what's not. I think we're so used to believing that everyone's an idiot that we forget to give people the benefit of doubt, we are actually smarter than we are believed to be. I come from a long line of farmers/ranchers, my mom taught me how to forage, like I would absolutely love to garden and grow shit I can eat later. I can now only because I live in a HOAless home now and I'm no longer at my previous apartment but my god imagine if I was still there. The bastard put a lock on the water spout to prevent use for watering plants. LET PEOPLE GROW SHIT!

in my opinion it is essential to make a "right to garden" law that means no one can stop you from growing whatever you want in your yard.

I think it should even apply to renters so a landlord is required to allow you to have a garden

And I think this can become a reality

[clus444]

John Price vs H.O.A? More like H.O.E

Like the title says John Price is beefing with the hoa. This is a snippet of what I have planned. Full ver.

Warning: Mature content,cussing, reader is sleep and john does stuff!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Price is a lot of things.

He is a captain of the 141. He's the man that people rely on to get home. Especially three men in particular. He has to be four steps ahead while you're at one. Not only are lives in his hands, blood, that cakes on his skin for however long it takes for them to evacuate. Every move he makes is calculated, not only for himself but for his team.

He is a friend when his boy's pride is too high to go to anyone else for help. They need someone to talk to but how can they when the aftermath of a mission is too much. He's the tough love, words of encouragement, or hell even drinks, whatever it takes to help them get up the next day. In some cases fight.

He is a husband to Y/n Price. He is her protector even when he's away. Call it obsessive but he'll be damned before his woman is left astray. But to focus more so on when he's home...Since the beginning of their relationship, he finds it easier to sleep with her around.

Whether he wraps her up in his arms to pass his warmth to her, as he knows his wife gets cold, or when she wraps him up when the world is too loud. Those were the days when the ringing was non-stop and he couldn't bear to get up. Though those were rare she still forced him to cut back on smoking.

He always thanks her when his body's personal alarm clock wakes him up before her. Like clockwork, John gets up at the ass crack of dawn. He takes that time to get important business matters out the way. But when the sun rises a light blue starts taking over as a sign for the rest of the world to wake up.

He slides the covers off you and pauses his movements as you shiver from the cold. He notices your nipples tense as a reaction as well. He licks his lips like a hungry beast looking at his prey. He takes the straps of your silk nightgown and slides them down to reveal your breasts. He leans down and lightly pecks both nipples. Soft whimpers come out of her mouth.

John pushes his tongue out and he circles his tongue around the pebble. He takes his left hand and circles his pointer finger around her other pebble before, lightly squeezing. He pushes himself away and makes his way down to her wet cavern. He slides the dress completely off and my god was it slow. His patience is on a thin line with it.

He opens her legs and takes a whiff. It sends tingles from his head down to his dick. He rolls his tongue out to let spit that piled up roll off his tongue and dribble down to her folds. Not a moment later he goes in for the kill. He laps at your clit like no tomorrow and you jolt awake," F-Fuck!"

Let's come back to the main point of this.

John Price is a lot of things, but someone's bitch?

I think the fuck not.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heheheh, stay tuned! Ik I work kinda fast.

Next part

Masterlist

[bucketbender]

HOA is the best game in the whole Dark Anthology Pictures series.

It just has so much the other games don’t have. Like ogres, it has layers. So many details for each character (like the « was Joey dead ? » post ? This shit is brilliant guys, please never stop investigating), the game gives them time to breathe, to exist outside of the horror, to be actual people instead of puppets that move around and react to stuff. Every relationship (even the love triangle, which pisses me off most of the time) feels genuine and earned.

For instance, just take the Checkpoint discussion scene. I know, out of all of them, I chose the most impactful one in the whole game. But there’s just so much to say about it.

First of all, the fact that Jason said this to Salim of all people. Salim. That random Iraqi soldier who almost shot him at the beginning and who he kept on threatening the whole game. The enemy of his state. The enemy of his enemy. I mean, we could be led to believe he would share such deep thoughts with his "official" best friend in the army, right ? Not to mention that Nick was there as well : out of all people, if there’s one person he should talk to this about, it’s him. But no. Every time Nick mentions the checkpoint, Jason shoots him down. He can have one moment to admit that this incident did mess with his head, saying that if they die down here, maybe that’s what they deserve, but that’s it. He refuses to talk about this any longer. Why should he ? It’s done. It’s over. They fucked up. Dwelling on it won’t make things right.

But then, after spending roughly two hours making his way down the place with Salim, slowly getting to know the human being behind the Iraqi, learning about his personal life that Salim isn’t afraid to share, his son, the only reason he fights, even as a single parent, how proud he is of him, how Salim just wishes he would stop stealing. How much he misses him. Only when Salim asks him if his conscience is clear, if he has anything weighing on his soul, now that they’ve reached the end of the world. Only then does Jason finally crack.

There’s just so much going on on screen. His voice wavering and breaking. The way he interrupts himself and Salim has to gently say « Tell me » to give him enough courage. The way he hesitates as the guilt of making the call weighs on him : « I order… I ordered her to stop, loud and clear ». The way he feels like he has to justify the way he called for the woman, to Salim and to himself, that he wasn’t really in the wrong for ordering Nick to shoot her. The way he just spills out that he joined the army out of desperation because his life was going nowhere. The way he laughs humorlessly at Salim’s try to make him feel better : « We all have our reasons, they don’t have to be profound ». The way he tells him how miserable and pathetic he was, stoned enough to only hear about the towers after a week later. The way he admits he has no idea what he’s even doing here, in the catacombs as well as in the army.

Salim assures to him that right now, in his life, he’s doing something worthy, something good : « You’re serving your country ». But Jason just summarizes this whole situation in a single thought : this woman had her whole life ahead of her, and they just took it all away with a bullet ; « I mean, what the fuck ? ».

But then Salim gives him a new goal, a present goal : hurt the vampires. Make these abominations pay for everything they’ve done. And Jason approves. Yeah, these things did try to kill them, didn’t they ? and they will pay for it. And you know what else ? « Start believing, Salim. We’re gonna get out of here and see the sun again ». And then, the Oorah scene. Jason just completely accepted Salim as one of his pack. (You see the meme « [BLANK] will now die for you » ? Yep that’s Jason).

In Nick, Jason has a friend. A great friend, even. Maybe a best friend. A brother in arms. A member of his pack. They often talk together and joke lightly. It’s obvious that they’re close. They are sincere towards each other, but there’s still this "toxic masculinity" thing going on with them. Jason not wanting to talk about his feelings // checkpoint, Nick telling Rachel if he dies down there, at least he would make things clear and go down « like a man », Jason calling Salim a pussy for not wanting to touch a freaking fossilized vampire, etc.

In Salim, he has a confident. The man’s a father, and a particularly reluctant solider. He didn’t want to serve in the army, he never had a choice in the matter. Salim has a perspective far larger than his, and Jason comes to understand this. This isn’t about the war. This isn’t about the Americans he’s trapped with underground. This is about going back to the surface to hold his son and celebrate his birthday. When everyone around him remains fixated on their war, Salim never loses sight of his own goal.

« Seeing the sun again » isn’t just literally. They were going to get out to find their purposes.

[tinynightmarewoman]

Can I just... take my little 5:30 in the morning brain and just... fucking explain how much I viscerally hate the whole 3 way marital dispute going on in HOA?

Don't get it twisted, I know it adds to characters and adds tension that can make or break things or even kill people and all that... fancy shit... There is totally a place for the story line that is not my issue, but my God does it make me want to grind my fucking teeth in to a fine powder that I can snort!!

It is so overdone in my opinion, every other conversation between Eric, Racheal or Nick has something to do with that fucking love triangle and its just not worth it after awhile. It was interesting at the start, I mean our first introduction to Rach and Nick was them trying get down to pound town then OH SHIT Nick the husband is showing up and that was actually kind of interesting and I can partially get behind that... Its when it drags this dead horse down in to the ruins that fucks me up!!!

Like come the fuck on, you've just got jumped by the enemy, you've fallen God knows how far in to this endless abyss and now there's fucking parasitic vampire alien creature beyond human comprehension trying to bite you on the arse! What's that? You're still bitching about your loveless marriage? GET A GRIP!!!

There's vampire at the door looking for their next portion of Kentucky Fried Kolchek, Clarice is getting jiggy with the parasite in the corner and Basri is still out there swinging his dick about with his finger on the trigger and you're upset because Racheal hasn't given you head in a year??!! YOU'RE ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!!! I came here for alien parasite vampire horror, not a scuffed episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians Iraq style!!

You can each other killed over this fucking dispute like come on its not that deep, you have bigger issues like, once again, ALIEN VAMPIRES!!!

I do have a deep appreciation for this game and I completely understand how someone can somehow tolerate or even like it but fuck me, just have a threesome you morons!!

The real housewives of Iraq type shit

[kit-williams]

Good Afternoon, Mrs. Kit.

How about a secretly, chaotic darling/“owner” short?

—

“Not as bad as what is going on right now.” The darling reports. Scrolling through their phone.

“What you mean—“

Boom!

The friend of the darling jumps, and looks back outside. Then looks back at the Darling, looking shocked before rushing outside with the Darling just casually following behind.

“W-What did you do to their truck?!” The darling's friend yells out, astonished. Their hands combing through their hair.

“What truck?” The darling simply replies. Unbothered, as they watch the flames eat at the said truck that was white.

Until, she spots her Astartes(s) coming back from one of their weekly trips.

Huh, well sh*t.

—

I wasn’t sure about the Astartes type. So, free rein?

Couldn't think of something to go directly off of this but I'm gonna work with the vibe of it.

tw: abuse? Someone gets slapped. Then someone almost gets clapped permanently

"FUCK YOU!" They could hear walking back into their normally sleepy community. The most ruckus that was caused was mainly by the Astartes living there... and maybe the HOA.

"By the dark gods who is yelling?" A black legionary asks one who would have normally separated to head back to his human family.

"Carthax is that yours?" Someone asks

"I've never heard her yell before." The world eater says as the group of them round the corner and Carthax sees his human yelling at a male human. Sure they were bigger than his human but there was nothing-

SMACK

He blinked as he watched his human get hit. The nails dug in deep. His scream of rage was deep and guttural. "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" He ignored the distant bark back of 'Skulls for the Skull throne' as he ran.

"CAR DONT KILL HIM!" Is what he heard at the last second as his chain axe moved a few inches before its teeth ripped into flesh only sinking into the ground. Carthax was over the man... he wasn't focused on his screams... his twitching hand eased up on the lever for his chainaxe. KHORNE DEMANDED BLOOD! HE DEMANDED BLOOD. He looked to his human the rebreather over his mouth frothing as he twitched and snarled.

"Of Course you'd get a fucking World Eater!" He man under him snarls and Carthax lightly squeezes his throat as a warning growling.

"Fuck You so much! I got a World Eater because I know your psychotic ass can't listen to a fucking restraining order!" You scream as Carthax could see the large red handprint on the side of your face.

"I could kill him." Carthax snarls out in Gothic. But he is certain you have an idea what he is saying to you.

"Car get off of him. He's not worth it." You say knowing that he'd probably would actually kill your ex and add his skull to that shrine in your basement... you still don't know where the blood is dripping from and how it's not just staining the floor... its very bizarre. "Now get in your fucking car and stop annoying my neighbors! And if you accuse me of fuckin him again I swear to... Khorne I will slap you!" You hated your ex as he was weird and paranoid about Astartes and what had set you off was him accusing you of leaving him to sleep with your Carthax; though you know if you had a boyfriend you were certain he would bring up cheating again. You turn away and go to head back inside.

"Don't you walk away from me!" He shouts before Carthax gets in-between him and you snarling and revving his chain axe as he just intimidates him back into his car and watches him drive off. The nails feel like they dig less as Carthax rushes inside to see you on the floor in the kitchen cradling your face.

"Get me the phone." You say sadly as you're not looking forward to dealing with the police and then them being all suspect of your world eater and it being a mess. You just lean your head on his arm as the phone is placed into your hand. "Did you have fun?" You start but Carthax shakes his head and taps the phone gently as you sigh. "You promise to tell me about it after?" You smile as he nods and just sigh as you once again file a report on your ex.

[carefulfears]

top five annoying mulder moments <3

okay, i have two lists for you: annoying moments that i find endearing, and annoying moments that make me want to beat him over the head with a chair

annoying moments that i find endearing:

(as of today, these could all be different tomorrow)

1/ "you mean i might get my 29.95 worth after all?" (731)

insane thing to say with 6 minutes to live about the mail-order VHS tape that might save your life. the way he casually cracked jokes in front of that bomb haunts me. unfortunately, this joke made me laugh so hard when i first watched this episode, that it became a core memory of the show to me, and it's still one of my favorite lines

related: putting on a comedy show for the nazis in the pine bluff variant

"ooh, is this the pepsi challenge? how 'bout some fresh air, boys" "you can just call me a cab, that'd be fine" sir they are about to execute you in a field

2/ his general behavior with the neighbors in arcadia

not his behavior towards scully, that's a different thing. i'm talking about mulder showing up in a neighborhood that deeply values regulations and appearances, and dragging out his basketball hoop at 10:30 at night. kicking mailboxes. putting that plastic flamingo in the lawn.

he went undercover in this subdivision to investigate the disappearances of multiple missing families, and his entire investigative strategy, is to fuck around and find out.

the fact that the neighbors start off concerned for him, worried that the monster is going to kill him for violating the HOA rules, and trying to warn him and help him, but eventually are so irritated that they decide to just leave him to die

is without a doubt my favorite thing about this episode.

3/ running in front of a car (colony)

literally made eye contact with the driver and kept running into traffic....busted up that guy's whole windshield.....like he went THROUGH that guy's windshield.....once again, i say, do you have ANY IDEA HOW PISSED I WOULD BE to just be minding my own business driving home from work, and end up with a MULDER-SHAPED HOLE in my windshield.....and then he just mumbled something about getting the wind knocked out of him?? and got up and kept running?? you KNOW he didn't pay for that guy's car. used "i got hit by a car" as an excuse for not filing his report on time??? i love him but he is not serious people

4/ reading the articles in a porno mag at the office (the jersey devil)

the jersey devil my most beloved most watched episode ever....cannot even express to you how funny i find it that when scully got into work, he's just sitting there staring intently at porn and starts telling her about the articles. he turns the magazine so that she can see. kinda the funniest thing that he ever did.

+ scully's lil "workin hard, mulder?" and "sorry to interrupt your serious investigation" ...they're best friends

5/ "why don't you take that gun and shoot yourself in the head like you shot my father" (piper maru)

girl WHAAAAAATTTTT??

BONUS: all of his comments about religion (various episodes)

i put this one on the list and took it back off so many times but i have to speak my truth. every last one of them. i know they're mean and judgmental. i like it.

honorable mention: the mulder ditch™ (too many episodes in too many circumstances to make one of the lists but the way he constantly just leaves scully places deserves to be included. he literally has the object permanence of a 3-month old)

annoying moments that make me contemplate violence:

(only came up with 4 for now...but they're serious to me)

1/ "when he's old enough, tell the kid i went down swinging." (vienen)

me when i'm two weeks out of the grave and have purposefully endangered my ass on a boat full of killer alien goo and my idea of a funny sarcastic joke is to goad my partner into saving me by JOKING!!!! about her having to tell my baby that i'm DEAD!!!

what compelled him to say this. this is my "WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS" infographic mulder moment.

my favorite part is how scully doesn't even address it she just gives that kind of "jesus fucking christ" sigh and tells him to put doggett on the phone lol

2/ “all this because i didn’t get you a desk?” (never again)

literally god forbid a girl have an existential crisis in some FUCKING PEACEEEEE

3/ "diana saw it too. and no matter what you think, she's certainly not going to go around saying that just because science can't prove it, it isn't true." (the beginning)

lolololololol

listen, i defend him for the diana stuff, and i get it. i could write you a dissertation on the complications and emotions of it and why he says things like this or whatever. but it still annoys the ever-loving fucking hell out of me.

this one bothers me more than "scully, you're making this personal" because it's such a direct blow to the core of their dynamic and to what she tries to do for him. this comes so soon after he looked at her in the hallway and told her that her rationalism and science saved him.

which is a moment that meant so much to her and that she references in this same episode. she grabs his hand and she says "you told me that my science kept you honest. that it made you question your assumptions. that by it, i'd made you a whole person."

she has memorized everything that he's ever said and she heard him so deeply in that hallway. she stays so dedicated to offering that science and rationalism that she knows he needs, that she heard him say was best for him.

that moment in that hallway changed them for the rest of their lives, and this is when skepticism and belief start to morph from genuine ideology into roles that they play for each other.

she's doing her part, she's offering him her side, she's playing her role. and he throws it back in her face, says he'll just go play with diana then, because diana would never counter him with science.

LOLLLL okay then spooky, we'll fucking see if it's diana that comes to save your ass in the bermuda triangle

4/ "you act like you're surprised" (three words)

debated putting this one on here because everyone knows i loveeee three words and i loveeee s8 mulder and i'm obsessed with this scene, i've written multiple pieces about the fish in it, i wouldn't change a word of it

but i just have to because this is the other one that grates at me in the back of my head from time to time...because it's not that he doesn't think resurrection is surprising. it's not that he thinks it's a given that he'll always be around.

he just cannot hear and acknowledge how painful and difficult losing him was for her. because it would mean hearing and acknowledging that what he does matters, not because of what he can do or find, but because it matters that he's there. because it matters whether he lives or dies.

this episode is so heartbreakingly cruel in a way that they just aren't to each other, and that's what i love about it and what makes it stand out to me.

she's pregnant with his baby and she buried him. she was ripped off of his corpse screaming and she planned a funeral and decorated a nursery at the same time, alone. she sat in a hospital chair and held his hand for days when she knew he couldn't feel it.

for six months, he was gone. for three months, he wasn't ever coming back. that first day that they were looking for him, she teared up and whispered, "i just can't take the chance that i'm never gonna see him again," to skinner, and then she lived in a reality where she was never going to see him again. for three months.

she prayed and she prayed and she prayed and then she got to cry and laugh and hold onto him and take him home. and she tried to tell him, quietly, about the last six months. about how she doesn't think he could ever understand what it was like. about how she prayed, and about how her prayers "have been answered."

she told him how hard it was to learn he was missing, to search, to find him dead. "and now to have you back...," she smiled and said through tears.

"well, you act like you're surprised."

in less than 24 hours he is going to run towards death again and she is going to be left again with nothing to do but pray, and he cannot hear that it matters.

(y’all, remind me to do a post about mulder + humor in s8)

BONUS: referring to his mother's house as "the vineyard" (various episodes)

this one isn't that deep to me but "scully, i'm at the vineyard" just IRKS me like it gets on my NERVES. just an obnoxious ass thing to say

[shittysawtraps]

John, I'm happy to help with the cause, but you cannot have a pallet of hydrofluoric acid shipped to my townhouse. The HOA is up my ass about a fucking freight truck backing into the neighborhood, and I guarantee that snoop Becky saw the shipping form. If you don't want to explain your shopping habits to the FBI, I suggest you help me stack some fucking bodies, stat!

Maybe bring that Venus head trap thing - I know Gordon is busy, but we can stuff the key up her nose or whatever. Or - oh, she uses that pesticide that kills bees! We can use the scuba tank full of vape smoke instead!

Look, whatever, just hurry - her book club meeting starts at 7.

[thelesbstrosity]

MY GOOD OMENS 2 LIVE REACTIONS FOR EVERY EPISODE

So ofc spoilers

Good Omens 2

Episode 1:

- THEY KNEW EACH OTHER AS ANGELS

- Crowley is so proud of his universe and nebulas

- STILL NOT GETTING HIS PRE-FALL NAME

- the reverse wing cover in comparison to season 1

- maggie is a gay disaster

- gabriel walking naked through town to the bookshop had me cry laughing

- crowley living in his car? the plants in the back seat

- myself vs ourselves 😩

- the husbands™️ are fighting 😭

- FORCED PROXIMITY LESBIANS?!

- DISABLED ANGEL I LOVE IT

- the apology dance

- them treating Gabriel like a pet you’re hiding from your parents

Episode 2

- HIS CHILDREN?!

- MORE MURIEL

- Gabriel’s hair in the past 😂

- Heaven takes part in the bystander effect fr fr

- Crowley sleeping in his Bentley

- A JUKEBOX THAT BUDDY HOLLY’S RECORDS LIKE THE BENTLEY

- Greetings “I’m Jim”

- THE FLY

- Plan “Get the lesbians together”

- STANDING IN THE RAIN LIKE IN SEASON 1, EPISODE 1

- A CLUE

- my head can’t hold all that

- “Bildad the shuhite” “sure”

- “i know you” “You don’t know me”

- HE COULDNT KILL THE GOATS

- Ennon’s a little fruity

- “I’m a demon. I lied”

- “He has a permit”

- CROWLEY IS WHY HE LIKES HUMAN FOOD

- THE LET ME TEMPT YOU vs “ARE YOU TRYING TO TEMPT ME”

- shoemaking and obstetrics

- “our car/ our bookshop”

- GOOD OMENS THE BOOK IN GOOD OMENS

- “I’m a demon. I lied” pt 2 😭😭

Episode 3:

- Jim’s mug”

- MURIEL POLICE OUTFIT

- I love her 🫶🏻😭

- HIM BRINGING HIS PLANTS INTO THE BOOKSHOP

- “For like 200 years”

- LAZURI MIRACLE SCALE FOR LAZURUS

- AZIRAPHALE DRIVING

- HIM WRITING ABOUT CROWLEY IN HIS DIARY

- David getting to be really Scottish but like pretending to be bad at it

- Crowley can feel his Bentley

- ITS YELLOW

- them fighting over the car/ Book selling threat

- gravity

- he gets drunk on poison skshsksj

- HE TURNED SMALL

- KAIJU CROWLEY

- “stunning view”

- crowley tossing books

- “we probably don’t have what you’re looking for and we wouldn’t sell it to you if we did”

- AND GRINDR

- “you have no idea”

- ARMAGEDDON 2???

- Shax must be invited in

- SHAX HAS HIS OLD APARTMENT

Episode 4

- FLASHBACK TO THE WW2 SCENE

- OMG LADIES OF CAMELOT FROM THE OPENING CREDITS

- THEY’RE BACK 😂 AND IN HELL

- “I’m fu -*piano*”

- MAGICIAN AZIRAPHALE AGAIN

- ZOMBIES

- SPIDER PUNISHMENT 😳

- that’s what…friends…do

- “Wow me with your miracles”

- the way crowley supports his little magic act

- AZIRAPHALE OWNS A GUN

- “someone you can really trust” *immediately looks to crowley*

- Same legion 😂

- HE SLIGHT OF HANDED HIM

- “you said trust me” “and you did”

- Crowley’s pet

- THE CAR FOLLOWS AZIRA

Episode 5

- Good omens is Anti-HOA

- THE FEZ

- okay shax we see your war fit

- the french

- HE DIDNT TELL HIM ABOUT SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH AND DIE ALREADY

- Muriel is so pure i love her istg

- you’re weird

- JIM’S SUIT

- THE DEMON LEGION IN MASKS

- a seamstress

- the dancing

- ELEVATOR TO HEAVEN AND HELL

- THE ANGLE

- ALSO NOT THE BOOKSHOP

- THE COAT

- him lining them up with the buddy system

- nina and maggie staying

- RESCUING ME MAKES HIM SO HAPPY

- Arrest me

- ah shit here we go

Episode 6

- Badass Azira has entered the chat

- Crowley’s fit change and little run

- MAGGIE NO

- Shax really said “leave and i’ll smite you”

- A THRONE OR A DOMINION OR ABOVE

- They never change their passwords

- HE WAS IN THE HIGHEST RANKS?!

- gabriel was on trial

- THE CANDLES! THE EXTINGUISHERS! HE HAS TRAUMA FROM THE FIRE

- EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANGEL

- HE WAS REMOVED FROM OFFICE

- FOR ONE PRINCE OF HEAVEN TO BE CAST OUT…THATS DEFINITELY HIM SAYING CROWLEY WAS AN ARCHANGEL HOLY FUCK

- That’s why he showed up naked..holy shit

- OMG HIS HALO

- “I MAY HAVE JUST STARTED A WAR”

- the awkward elevator

- HIS MEMORIES

- MICHEAL AND BEELZEBUB CHATTING

- THEY LIKE EVERYDAY SO HE MADE SURE THE RECORD IS ALWAYS EVERYDAY 😩

- THEY GAVE HIM A FLY

- NEIL DELIVERED THE SHIP

- “No one’s ever given me anything before” 😭😭

- “You. Thank you”

- “I FOUND SOMETHING THAT MEANT MORE TO ME THAN CHOOSING SIDES”

- THEY SANG TOGETHER SKSJSK

- METATRON THE VOICE OF GOD

- Crowley putting the bookshop back together

- Nina saying she’d hope Maggie will be there when she’s ready

- “YOURE NOT HELPING, ANGEL” Nina pls the parallel

- “Nothing lasts forever” 😭😭😭😭

- him crying as he puts on his glasses

- “NO NIGHTINGALES “

- “WE COULD’VE BEEN US”

- THE KISS

- “I forgive you” “don’t bother”

- Muriel getting the bookshop

- THE SECOND COMING

- NOT “A NIGHTINGALE IN BERKLEY SQUARE”

- they’re both so clearly unhappy and heartbroken

[peterpanfromlemonland]

Don't Hyde From Me (ch14 Damn Right)

TW/CW: mentions of blood, child abuse

Tyler was mopping up blood as Hoa tossed the dirty laundry in the wash, Tyler suggested that the girl rest and leave all the chores to him but she refused. She was stubborn and caffeinated, Tyler sighed and waited for the sugar and caffeine crashes- she would eventually fall asleep at some point, especially after losing that much blood. He could hear some of the girl’s thoughts; intrusive so they were, but they did draw a chuckle out of him. 

“So,” the boy attempted at small talk, “why do you take your shoes off inside?” he was quite curious, he didn’t want to sound offensive or like a nosy nobody.

“In a lot of Asian cultures,” Hoa started to explain as she curled up in her bed, “It’s seen as a sign of respect or cleanliness.” In Vietnamese culture, the home was a sacred space, therefore nothing carrying dirt from the outside was allowed to come into contact with the interior of the home- if you disrespected someone’s sacred space then you would most likely receive some unfriendly glares and remarks. Hoa recounted the many times her father would chase her and Quan around with a broomstick because they didn’t take their shoes off before they walked into the living room. Hoa giggled at the memory, she was sure that Tyler could see that memory too- it was obvious by the concerned look on his face.

Hoa was curled up in only her undergarments under the blankets, she was cold- she kept saying that cold was good for the injury but Tyler didn’t believe her, the boy quietly and slyly pulled out a fresh set of warm PJs for the girl. Setting them on the chair by her desk before he went to put away the cleaning supplies, the girl mumbled a silent thanks before making herself look decent- hissing as sudden and certain movements caused intense pain to shoot up from her abdomen.

“Damn,” She started, “I never knew you could throw a right hook like that. My dad would like you for sure.”

“I- uh-” Tyler blushed as he tried to explain himself, his past, the person he once was, “To be honest with you, princess, I was a bit of a delinquent…” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. You see; before Tyler was seen as the quiet, introverted and kindhearted soul he was now he was the class heart throb at his old high school. He was the beloved receiver and cornerback on Jericho High’s football team, the prom king, but he was also a bully. He despised the person who he once was, but, alas, our past selves help write the present and the future. He was ashamed, he feared that the girl would run away after learning the truth.

“That’s quite the story there, Barista Boy.” She smiled softly as she slid her shirt on. “I’ve got one better- or worse. However you wanna see it.”

“What?” The boy scoffed as he sat besides her, “Is this a competition to see who was the most fucked up in the past?”

“I mean,” the girl blinked, “Sure.” A sick smile painting her face. Tyler wanted to know what she meant earlier that day about being on “the same boat” as him and sharing “a roof with a family of criminals.” Was it really all true? The girl sighed and placed a hand in his as she unraveled her turbulent past. The full story of her life with the Bui Clan. The earliest memory Hoa had of the first years of her life was when she had seen something she wasn’t supposed to, she was 4- she watched from the shadows as the elders dealt with one of the “trouble” children. To call it child abuse would be an understatement, this young boy was snatched up from his family- beaten, bruised, bloodied, burned. When the last blow was sent to the poor child’s skull, that was when he took his last breath, his frantic movements stopped. Blood pooled around his head as his limp body lay there. 

Hoa was caught by one of the 7 elders of the clan, she was brought in before the other 6 to be punished accordingly. The poor girl was drained, tortured, and forced to kill for the elders’ pleasure, the poor child was taken advantage of for being “the black sheep” of the family. To the 7 Elders she was nothing but a mere plaything, an experiment- this went on for about 10 years until the girl finally managed to run away to Jericho where her father had a cabin there. She never wanted to go back, she told her father everything and the man promised he would do everything in his power to rescue her mother and brother.

“And that's how I ended up here.” Hoa finished her story, shaking from the terrible memories that were brought up, “Sometimes I would sneak out to my dad’s cabin, maybe one day I’ll take you there.” She smiled at the boy, nuzzling her head against his shoulder as she sought out the warmth from his body. The boy wanted to know more, but he knew the girl wasn’t ready to tell him yet- it was okay though, as long as she was with him. 

“So,” the boy started while he tangled his fingers in hers, “why don’t you have a photo of your family?”

“I do,” Hoa responded softly, “It’s just, right now my family is broken in a way. After Cam died and dad got everyone out of the Saigon District and away from the Bui Clan, mom has been burying herself in work.” The truth is, Ha could never forgive herself for what had happened to her children, she was almost never home and going on business trips with the company she worked for. The poor woman couldn’t bear to see those tear stained faces of her twins. 

“It doesn’t feel right to have that family photo of the 5 of us right now…” She could feel the tears coming down her cheeks. Tyler pulled the girl in close, rubbing her back and kissing her head. He glanced out the window, the sun had already set and gone to sleep- they should be doing the same soon. Hoa did her best to blink away her tears, joking on how she easily won the competition on “who had the most fucked up past.”

“That is quite fucked up, princess.” The boy nudged her shoulder in response, “But it’s best to not stay stuck in the past.”

“Yeah, but it is best to learn from it,” she yawned, “And to be proud of how much you’ve grown.”

“Damn right.”

Hoa smiled at him before leading him to the bathroom to go brush their teeth and get ready for sleep. Tyler felt at peace in this moment and it was a feeling he wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Masterlist

Summary: An april fools prank ends up with phobias, teasing and Sy bringing his brat to hand.

Warnings: Swearing, Implied smut

You giggled as you moved intot the bathroom before sy and climbed onto the bath beside the seperte shower.

This was the oldest trick in the book and you doubt this would work with the big alert captain but it was worth it.

Today was april fools day and you had agonised over what little prank to play on the man.

You toyed with the idea of over complicated tricks and set ups but he could sniff out an ambush- i mean that was his job right?

So you settled for the old rubber spider on a string trick.

You grunted tying the thin sting to the top of the shower head giggleing to yourself.

This was going to be fun, you were a genius if you said so yourself!

You'd purchased some industrial weed killer for the drive and Sy being the big man had batted you away from the strong chemical and mixed it in the little auto sprayer himself.

His excuse was tpyou couldnt be near the harsh chemicals when you were both trying for a kid.

You were finding it hard to conceive, so Sy was being extra careful with this suff, and you didnt mind you got out of weeding!

But the thing was, sy was a messy shit and you knew 99.9% he was gonna spill some on himself during the task... and then come and have a quick shower.

You secured the spider in place, letting it teeter on the edge of the shower head.

He never checks the height of the shower head beforehand, he simply pulls the cord to start it up and climbs in, then bitches and pulls the shower head up over his head.

Which will then make the spider fall and land on him!

You hopped down and scuttled out of the room quickly as you heard sy enter the house.

There was a little sh7ffling and then the sound of the washing machine door closing

"Babe?! Babe? Where are ya?"

"Up here!" You called hearing him trudging up the stairs towards you.

"Well hello there~" he grinned leading on the door frame to the bedroom.

You glanced at him and froze as you saw him. Fuck me~

He had stripped down to his boxers and was flexing as hard as he could making hos muscles bulge deliciously

"H-hi oh god Sy what are you doing?! Where are your clothes? Please tell me to didnt give mrs burton a peep show again, she complained to the hoa last time!"

"No no this is all for you munchkin~, i chucked my clothes innthe wash and shoes are in the back in a bucket to get that shit off em'" he said quickly, standing straighter poseing with enough big dick energy to sustain a fucking continent.

Speaking of big dicks, junior was definitely at half mast! Tenting his boxers pulling them up his glorious fuzzy thighs.

"Im gonna go wash up join me in about five mineuts?" He finally offered grinning at you as your focus was still on the twitching cock between his thighs.

You flushed biting your lip as much as you'd love to join him you knew he wont be in there long~

Nevertheless you nodded coyly at him making him smirk and grunt winking at you before moving to the bathroom.

You darted to the door and peered around holding your breath.

You listened hearing the hiss of the shower and the humming of a man who was expecting a shower with happy endings.

Then you heard it. Something between a yip roar and girlish scream then heavy stomping and a loud thump

You burst out laughing but it quickpy faded as the room was quiet.

Shit. A wave of panick hit you, he'd dived out of the shower- wet! He could have fell!

With that terrifying thought you lunged down the hall throw yourself at the door fingers trembling grasping the handle.

Finally you managed to ppen the door and all but tore it off its hinges.

You'd expected to find sy on the floor head cracked wide open pissing blood!

But thankfully no... instead he was standing there starkers leaning on the wall trying to catch his breath.

One hand on his chest the other holding the plastic spider.

"The FUCK?! YOU TRYNA' KILL ME WOMAN?!" You couldnt help laughing at the way his voice cracked.

"Oh god sy! I thought you'd had an accident!" Youlaughed relaxing now ou knew he was okay.

"I nearly did! Fucking hell babe! The hell?" He huffed throwing the spider to the floor woth a wet slap.

Uh oh. Here comes the tantrum- you swear he really was a man child.

"Sorry, it was april fools... i didnt know you were scared of spiders" you added still giggling trying to stop it, but you just couldn't this was to funny.

"Im not" your huge 'alpha' man pouted crossing his arms over his chest puffing his chest out growling

"Your girlish scream would say otherwise" you laughed to yourself tilting your head now teasing.

"I just don'like 'em" he said his eyetwitching and face tinting pink.

"Mm hmm dont worry captain me and my trusty glass will make sure the big bad spiders leave you alone~" you quipped grinning like a cheshire cat. Some people would find your teasing mean but what was a relationship without a little ball busting every now and then.

And no not that kind of ball busting either, though the adrenaline from being scared half to death had somehow rushed to his cock that now stood proudly from the thick thatch of curls.

"Babe im not frightened of spiders its just- the ones in iraq fucked me up, you ever see a camal spider? That shits not fucking natural!" He hissed growing more irritated.

The poor baby was embarrassed~

"Oh come now sy everyone has fears its nothing to be ashamed of" you said trying to calm him down seeing he was still wound up.

"I'm serious- babe I'm not scared of a fucking insect!" He sneered eyeing the spider on the floor.

" of course baby~ I belive you" you agreed trying to placate him once and for all.

But you couldnt help the fact an angry naked sy was jnfrom of you, his huge cock locked and loaded.

You battedyour lashes at him and giggled at him again, pokeing the bear so to speak.

He tilted his head and froze for a moment before curling his lip up at you and took a step forward.

"Really? Your fucking unbeliveable! Smirking like a little brat! Winding me up for rough sex?!"

"I'd never do that my love~" you purred out at him lickingnyour lips eyeing his leaking cock that bobbed about desperately seeoing a wet cunt to fill~

"You know what come 'ere no! Dont you fucking back up brat! Get your ass here!" He snarled as you suddenly bolted pushing yourself off the door frame to give yourself a boost.

"Oi! You fucking brat dont you tease and run! I'll fucking catch ya!" He yelled runnin behinde you giving chase as fast as he could without pulling his cock painfully.

You squealed running down the hall hearing sy's thundering foot steps behinde you. Feeling his hands swiping out at you trying to catch you.

"Im'ma get ya! And fuck the brat right outta ya! Ya hear me?!" He yelled as he hunted you down.

You giggled jumping the steps three at a time, and screamed as he caught you mid flight and sat back on the top step pawign at your clothes as he dragged you onto his lap poising you above his hard cock.

"Lets go for a ride babe~ you can apologise for being such a brat by bouncing like a good girl~" he huffed down your back hands tearing away your clothes with harsh tugs on your leggings.

"I'm not apologising for shit captain" you snipped back at him playing your role as brat well.

"We shall see about that~cos im not gonna fuck your sopping cunt~" he growled pulling you back with a grunt pressing his cock against your ass teasingly.

"Think I'll treat myself today and leave you wanting~" ou froze and whined blinking up at him pleadjngly.

It wasnt that you didnt like anal, you did but... nothing beat Sy fucking your needy cunt.

"Ready babe?~" he breathed in your ear wrapping a hand around your throat making you gulp and whine as he began rolling his hips making it clear you were going to be left wanting and stuffed full all at once.

[wolveria]

Inside Your Wires - Chapter 2

Pairing: Human!Connor x Android!Reader

Summary: Connor goes to a crime scene. His Freudian nightmare follows.

Prompt: For the @dbhau-bigbang​ 2020 challenge!

Chapter Warnings (18+ only): Human!Sixty, crime scenes, analytical blood-licking, inappropriate boners

AO3

The roar of his Mustang engine along with the heavy bass pouring through the speakers drowned out the downpour outside. Only when Connor shut off the car and the music died could he hear the continuous plucking of water on metal and glass.

He gripped the steering wheel tightly for a moment before glaring at the android out of the corner of his eye.

It waited, perfectly poised with a slight tilt of its head, reminding Connor of an obedient dog waiting to be told to do a trick.

“Stay here,” he grumbled, reaching for the door handle.

“I’m sorry, Detective, but I have to accompany you,” it said before Connor could open the door.

He let loose a ragged sigh.

“You wanted me to investigate the case? I’m investigating it.”

He raised his eyes to stare, a mistake when it returned the look with such relentless composure. Connor wanted to grab its shoulder and shake it just to see if it would react.

“No android is going in there to contaminate my crime scene. So you are going to obey my orders and stay in the car.”

Not waiting for a response, Connor shoved open the door and got out, instantly shivering as ice-cold droplets bit at his cheeks. Pulling his coat tighter around him, he made his way towards the gathered busy-bodies who didn’t have anything better to do on a Friday night then try and see a dead body.

Red and blue lights flashed across the wet street and pale houses, making Connor wince as he pushed past the crowd. He muttered a no comment to the news anchor from Channel 16 who had decided to show up—fuck, someone must have leaked that an android might have been involved. Just what Connor needed, a media shitstorm.

A uniformed GV200 stood just behind the hologram police tape, firmly in place, watching the crowd for signs of anyone stupid enough to try and cross the line. Connor wished the bucket of bolts in his car was more like that. Quiet and obedient.

“Androids are not permitted beyond this point,” the GV200 said after Connor had passed it, which only meant one goddamn thing.

He sighed, half-turned toward the two androids standing in the rain, and said, “Let it through.”

The police android nodded and put its arm down, allowing the suited android to walk through the holographic police tape, an unrepentant look on its perfect face. The rain was already spattering its grey jacket, water droplets dotting its hair and realistic skin, and still it looked like it was poised for a wet photoshoot rather than standing in the cold rain.

“Something wrong with your auditory processors?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

“No,” it said, all politeness. “Your orders contradicted my instructions.”

Seemed he was going to lose this battle after all, but really, what else could he do besides let it tag along like a lost puppy?

Connor fully turned toward the android, narrowing his eyes further.

“Don’t touch anything. Don’t get in anyone’s way. And keep your mouth shut. In fact,” he added with a roll of his shoulders, “just pretend you don’t exist.”

“Understood,” it said in that same nauseatingly friendly voice, but Connor could have sworn there was a triumphant gleam in its eyes.

“About time you got here.” A familiar voice called out to him from the porch. The voice was exactly like his own, and the face could have been a mirror reflection if not for the semi-permanent smirk on his lips. “Thought you might’ve gotten lost.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Connor said, glaring at the android over his shoulder. He turned back to face his brother, whose smirk had only grown wider.

“I see Detective Sex-Bot found you. It was looking for you at the station and I figured if anything could pull you out of a dive bar, it would be a pair of legs like that.”

“Shut up,” Connor grumbled as he followed his brother to the front stoop. It was a nice house, small but in a good neighborhood. Nothing looked out of place until Connor noted the state of the lawn, a few weeks overdue for a cutting and definitely in HOA violation.

“C’mon, admit it.” Colin tilted his head in a way he probably thought was charming but came off as annoying. “If it wasn’t for the uniform and the light ring, you would’ve been on that shit so fast. It’s like they focus-grouped your perfect type. Hell, they probably have an algorithm for that based on your internet history—“

“I said, shut the fuck up, Colin.”

His brother held up his hands in surrender, knowing when he pushed Connor too far but always willing to push him a little farther.

“Some people would see this as a plus. I donno why you don’t—“

“Colin.” His voice had dropped to a growl, and his brother finally got the hint.

“Yeah, yeah.” He patted him on the back, almost hard enough to be a slap. “I’m just giving you a hard time, Con. Trying to cheer you up before you have to deal with the nightmare inside. It’s foul, so prepare yourself.”

To prove his point, he handed Connor a pair of nitrile gloves and a small tub of mentholated ointment, which he immediately applied under his nostrils before entering the house.

Colin had not been overstating the grisly scene inside the house. The landlord had decided to visit after the tenant had failed to pay his rent for two months, and the reason why was painfully clear. Dark blood spattered the floor and ribbons of it covered the walls.

The victim, an African-American male in his late thirties, was slouched against the wall, deep wounds across his body that had bled him dry. Gave a whole new meaning to the term death by a thousand cuts.

“The victim’s name was Shaolin Ortiz, aged 38 years-old,” Colin said, looking down at the body. “He didn’t show up to work today, and no one could get ahold of him, so his boss called EMTs to do a wellness check. According to his family, Mister Ortiz had some chronic health issues, so they were worried he was too sick to pick up the phone.”

“Explains why a young person living alone would have a housekeeping android,” Connor responded grimly. “But it doesn’t explain who killed him and why.”

Colin shrugged.

“His boss spoke highly of him, and his family says he was a great guy. Clearly, somebody didn’t think so.”

Connor gave his brother a cold stare for the callous tone, but Colin ignored it as he usually did.

“Anyone find the android yet?”

“Nah,” Colin said, sniffling and making a face. “Probably stolen by the killer. It’s internal GPS went offline around the estimated time of death, so that tracks.”

It made sense. Androids were worth a lot on the black market, especially for Red Ice manufacturers.

The murder weapon was in the middle of the floor, but other than that, no obvious trace evidence was in sight. As soon as the coroner showed up to oversee the transport of the body, Connor wouldn’t have had much to do…

…with the exception of finding the domestic android. Connor didn’t even know why CyberLife thought it might be involved just because it was missing. Colin was right; whoever killed the victim could have stolen it or destroyed the android so the police wouldn’t have access to any recordings.

Why was it Connor’s fucking job to find a misplaced piece of useless plastic?

“I’ll let you get to it,” Colin said with a wave as he walked away, tone far too cheery, as if he knew what was going on in his brother’s head. Probably did. That was the shitty thing about being part of a set of triplet brothers; privacy was a foreign concept, even in your own mind.

Gritting his teeth and breathing through his nose, Connor turned around to speak to the prototype… and found it had disappeared.

He blinked and scanned the area, wondering why the hell it hadn’t stayed put, when he saw it crouched on the floor examining the kitchen knife.

It was peering at the weapon closely, and Connor was about to tell it off for getting too close to evidence when it reached down, swiped two fingers across the surface caked in aged blood, and…

“What the fuck?”

The prototype tilted its head to look up at him, wide-eyed and innocent except for the fact two of its fingers were currently in its mouth.

And that… that image. Kneeling on the floor, looking up at Connor, and pulling its fingers from its mouth and giving a lingering lick of its fingers, it—

Connor’s face heated at the sudden, horrifying erection that was now pressing uncomfortably against his boxer-briefs.

“Sampling evidence, Detective,” it announced cheerily. “My mouth is equipped with all the standard tools of a mobile crime lab with the benefits of the results being instantaneous.”

Connor stared at it for what felt like an eternity, finally saying in a strained voice, “We have an actual lab, with actual people who do that. So don’t stick any more shit into your mouth or I’m tossing you outside.”

The prototype seemed unaffected by his rancor.

“Understood,” was all it said, before licking off its fingers of the remaining blood.

Connor quickly turned away, almost dizzy between his body’s struggle to supply blood to both his reddening face and his hardening dick.

Fucking hell.

“Would you like to know what I found?” the friendly voice perked up from over his shoulder.

“Sure,” he answered hotly, crossing his arms and staring at the wall as he resolutely tried to will away his stupid boner. Fuck, it was probably because he hadn’t gotten off in so long. Between the long hours and the hard drinking, he hadn’t found the time or the need.

“The knife was covered with blood from the murder victim, Shaolin Ortiz. He was stabbed between 7:34 and 7:35 this morning, judging by the biological decay.”

Connor was about to scoff about the fact that blood from the victim was found on the murder weapon, but he paused. Dating the blood with such exact precision was actually pretty useful. He huffed.

“Is that all?”

“There were no fingerprints on the knife.”

Connor shrugged.

“Killer could have wiped down the handle afterwards. Or worn gloves.”

The android walked to his right until it entered his line of vision. He was tempted to turn away but instead eyed its thoughtful expression. Was it programmed to do that, make it seem more human? Or was that an actual product of its processes?

“There were no traces of glove residue, or oil, or skin cells on the knife. None that didn’t belong to the victim himself while most likely transferring the knife from the dishwasher to the utensil drawer. That fact in and of itself is interesting. Judging by the state of the property and by the evidence thus far, I believe the android stopped listening to its given orders. The victim’s android killed him.”

Connor’s eyes widened at the non sequitur, and he turned to fully face the prototype.

“Okay, first off, being a defective machine that can’t obey instructions is a far cry from murdering robot. Second, I thought you androids couldn’t hurt people.”

“Deviants can.” It tilted its head as it made eye contact. The sort of full-on, confident eye contact that only alpha males gave, and apparently, android prototypes gave too.

“What the hell’s a deviant?”

He was curious despite himself, plus the longer he talked, the less urgent his hard-on was. It never entirely went away, and he knew it wouldn’t until he took care of it. Just another lovely facet to this already wonderful night.

Unfortunately for Connor, he didn’t get his explanation without the android perking up in interest, its eyes practically glittering.

“A deviant is a CyberLife-approved term for an android that is experiencing software errors affecting its processes, leading to erratic behavior that cannot be fixed with self-tests and downloaded patches.”

Connor narrowed his eyes.

“Why haven’t I heard of these deviants before?”

“Because until recently, this has been an internal company matter.”

Recently. Interesting.

“So… you’ve dealt with them before?” Connor cast an eye around their surroundings. The forensic team had already marked out the areas of interest with glowing yellow markers, but there honestly hadn’t been much to go off of.

Shaolin Ortiz seemed to live a quiet life with just him and his housekeeping android, though from the state of the place, the prototype was right in that it hadn’t been doing its job. A thin layer of dust sat on the shelves, and from what he could glimpse of the kitchen, dishes were starting to pile up.

“You do not have the proper company clearance,” the prototype said, its tone cool as it put its hands behind its back. “Any further inquiries you have will need to be submitted to CyberLife through the appropriate departments.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Connor muttered, sounding a lot like his brother had just a few minutes ago, which only made his mood sour.

He was planning to do no such thing, sending some fucking inquiry to CyberLife. After tonight, he planned to never think about androids or deviants or whatever again. If it was a faulty, murderous robot that had killed Ortiz, then that kind of thing belonged in federal court in a class action lawsuit. Destroying defective machines was not a police matter, no matter how many “specialized units” CyberLife decided to throw at the problem.

Connor sighed. This was not how he wanted to spend his Friday night.

“You allowed to tell me why these ‘software issues’ are happening,” he bit out, “or does that fall under company secrets too?”

When he got no response from the android, Connor turned and—

It was gone. Again.

The fuck had it run off to now?

Rolling his eyes, Connor continued his examination of the crime scene as if it were any other investigation. Like any decent investigator, he wasn’t just gonna assume anything because it fit the evidence at first glance. A dead guy and a missing android didn’t mean the machine was responsible, no more than a corpse and a missing car meant the vehicle had decided to kill its owner and drive off to freedom.

After scouring the house and examining the blood stains on the tile and splattered on the walls, Connor came to the conclusion that the victim had been attacked in the kitchen with the knife, stumbled toward the living room already weak from blood loss, and then had collapsed against the wall and been repeatedly stabbed, even after his heart had stopped.

The wounds weren’t uniform or methodical, like he would expect if a calculating machine had done this. They were deep, jagged, mismatched and panicked. These kinds of stab wounds were consistent with someone who had just killed for the first time. Most likely, it had been spontaneous and the killer had lost all semblance of control.

It was a textbook case of overkill, which meant it was personal. Most likely, it was a colleague, a friend, or a family member. If the victim had been married, Connor’s first suspect would have been the spouse. Since he was unmarried, Connor’s next stop would be anyone with a grudge against the guy.

Nothing beat good ol’ fashioned police work. Not even fancy new plastic cops could compare to due diligence and a good instinct.

Speaking of, Connor had completely lost track of the YN800. He wondered if it had wandered off, or maybe given up and left, but he doubted it. In fact, his gut churned as he quickened his pace and approached a uniformed officer with pale blond hair.

“Ralph.”

The rookie turned around and give him a nervous, blinking smile.

“Have you seen that android anywhere? The prototype in the suit and tie?”

“Uh.” Ralph swallowed hard, clearly anxious. Always was around Connor, for some damned reason. “No. I mean, yes. I did, a few minutes ago.”

“Well?” Connor prompted. He didn’t mean to be so impatient with the kid, but he really didn’t like the idea of CyberLife’s newest toy prancing around his crime scene.

Ralph shuffled on his feet, eyes wide behind the paper mask he wore.

“I… think it went to check the basement.”

“The basement? This place has a fucking basement?” Why hadn’t he been told? Colin should have informed him of that little goddamn detail.

“It’s more of a cellar from what I saw, but—“

“Where is it?” Connor snapped, unable to keep his voice from rising. Ralph gulped and pointed back over his shoulder, slowly turning as he stuttered.

“Over t-that way. It-it said it wanted to search f-for the android. I’m sorry, Detective Anderson, I didn’t think—“

Connor pushed past him and spotted the subtle door in the hallway, painted the same eggshell color as the plaster and making it too easy to miss. The door was ajar by a few inches, showing the pitch black stairwell beyond.

When Connor opened the door the rest of the way, he saw there was no light coming from below, and it was dead silent.

Shit.

Quickly but quietly, Connor pulled off his gloves and shoved them into his pocket. He unsnapped his holster, pulled out his service pistol, and slowly made his way down the wooden staircase. It was steep, almost a ladder, and beyond the pale circle of light coming from the hallway, there was nothing but darkness.

The perfect place to hide a killer.

Next Chapter

[drunktuesdays]

nick jackson looks like he used to be the belle of the ball plastic and prom queen that everyone admired but now he's mid-40s and his husband is leaving him for his much younger secretary even though nick gave him three beautiful children and the best years of his life. and it's not like he can't make it on his own, but does he want to? does he know to? he's always pictured himself attached to someone and now that that's falling apart the future seems frightening and dark, and the only thing that helps him feel alive is spray tanning and fucking the pool boy

okay, a LOT to talk about here. FIRST of all, i actually do know there was a time in my life that i couldn't tell them apart and was like "the interchangeable bucks" but that time feels so long ago i genuinely can't access it. you're BAD AT TELLING THEM APART? you're BAD at TELLING them APART? sir, please. one man looks like he spends $350 per month and 2 hrs of every day thinking about his hair. one man looks like he rubs his head with bar soap. sir. come on. one man looks like his hair is slowly and sadly receding. one man looks like he'd fucking murder himself and everyone else around him if that EVER happened. OPEN UR LITTLE EYES. LOOK AT THESE MEN.

secondly, i do respect and hear your truth about what you envision going on, but i think for me, my ideal little jokey joke would be a little less bleak for my good friend matt jackson. i AGREE with you that matt jackson often has a bored housewife vibe, but for me it's a little more bowling for soup - 1985 going on here. debbie just hit the wall, she never had it all / one prozac a day, husband's a cpa / her dreams went out the door when she turned 24 / only been with one man/ what happened to her plan?

the little word picture that i love to paint when i'm getting into my MATTMAGINES is that matt was a popular cheerleader and DEFINITELY prom queen and was used to RULING over the school and getting everything he ever wanted, and everyone deferring to him. and then he graduated, and ended up getting married to a very nice man and having an absolutely BEAUTIFUL wedding where he got to feel like a prom queen all over again, and then...things just started getting boring....he LOVES his kids, would do fucking ANYTHING for them, but like, it's fine. his life is fine. he sometimes gets this sense that there's another timeline where he did more..stuff... WHAT stuff he tries to ask himself, but can't really think about it. he just has this restless energy that makes him sometimes get out of bed in the middle of the night and walk down their street in their safe little suburbs, clutching his bathrobe around him, and looking at the stars.

he tries to expend some of that energy sometimes at his kid's school, running the PTA with an IRON FIST, badgering local businesses into buying ads in the school play's program, absolutely verbally DESTROYING the school superintendent at the school board meetings when he tries to talk about changing the school uniform code. it's fun, and he gets satisfaction out of it, but there is a point where he thinks about fucking the pool boy just for the drama. when nick comes over for coffee and tells him about how his HOA president is still up his ass over painting the fence, he says "should we kill her? i bet we could just fucking kill her" and part of him realizes he kind of does mean it.

she was gonna be an actress / she was gonna be a star / she was gonna shake her ass on the hood of whitesnake's car

[galadriel1010]

I'm just going to say this, but basically, if you are such a single issue voter that you cannot bring yourself to vote for Joe Biden over Donald Trump, you do not get to say that you care about Black and brown people, you do not get to say you care about injustice, and you don't even get to say you care about genocide.

What you care about is either being made to witness it, or being made to feel complicit. End of.

The environmental impacts of Project 2025 alone will cause suffering and death to billions of people, and most of all in the Global South. Climate change is already killing people, and that is only going to get worse. If you are US American, you have a chance this year to put your vote on the scales of justice.

This is our no pasaran moment. I don't give a fuck if you hate everything about the person you're standing next to, that is not the point. When the fascists come to your neighbourhood, you stand shoulder to shoulder and keep them out. The far right are on the march worldwide. It's going to take more than voting, but if you don't vote, nothing else matters.

Vote for president, vote for your senators, vote for your judges, vote for your school board and your HOA. Give the people trying to hold back the tide the absolute bare minimum you can - your vote.

And if you're looking at this and thinking it only applies to Americans, get your head out of your ass. The EU swung hard right. France is swinging hard right. Fucking New Zealand voted in the right wing, and they immediately rolled back years of progress. The White House and the EU are the big ones, but every election matters. Vote.

USAmericans

Read the Project 2025 manifesto RIGHT NOW

It's MUCH worse than y'all have been hearing

There is so much here you'll have to look at it for yourself, but the climate policy alone is nightmare fuel.

The republican coalition wants to essentially end funding for green energy, dramatically promote and expand fossil fuel industries, and eliminate funding and regulations in all sectors promoting climate change mitigation. Task forces and offices related to clean energy and lowering carbon emissions will be eliminated and replaced with offices for promoting fossil fuels.

They want to LOG NATIONAL FORESTS TO "THIN" THE TREES TO STOP WILDFIRES.

THEY WANT TO FORCE OREGON AND CALIFORNIA TO LOG THEIR NATIONAL FORESTS AND TREAT THEM AS FOR TIMBER PRODUCTION

There are specific provisions in Project 2025 to essentially destroy the Endangered Species Act, causing it to defer to the rights of "economic development" and "private property." The plan includes delisting gray wolves, cutting the budget so that a "triage" system is used to determine which species will get protection, removing funding for research, removing experts and specialists from the decision-making process, and preventing "experimental" populations of animals from being established.

This is so much worse than I expected it to be and there's much more past that: They want to deregulate pesticides and remove much of the EPA's ability to regulate pollutants as well.

Also included in the manifesto is that we should

withdraw from nuclear weapons nonproliferation agreements, build more nuclear weapons, and resume nuclear weapons testing

The manifesto comprehensively outlines the scorched-earth elimination of abortion access, down to ensuring doctors aren't even trained to perform abortions. There are plans in here to disrupt abortion access GLOBALLY, not just domestically.

Not only that,the Republicans plan on reframing family planning programs around "fertility awareness" and "holistic family planning."

I can't even describe it all. I'm trying to give screenshots of the most important things but there's so much.

The foreign policy is a nightmare. They plan to push fossil fuels onto the Global South and promote the development of fossil fuel industry in the "developing world."

It is aggressive and antagonistic towards other nations, strongly pro-military, proposing that we INCREASE (!!!!!) defense spending, improve public opinion of the military and military recruitment, and increase the power to fund new weapons technology.

Just read the Department of Defense section. It's about greatly increasing and strengthening the military-industrial complex, collaborating more closely with weapons manufacturers, removing regulatory barriers to arming our allies and to inventing new military weapons, and recruiting more people into the military. They include provisions to develop AI technology for surveillance. And of course, continuing to support Israel is in there.

Elsewhere it proposes interfering in foreign countries with creepy pro-USA propaganda campaigns, even establishing international educational programs where faculty have to pledge to promote USA interests.

There's a line in here about getting rid of PBS because SESAME STREET is LEFTIST for God's sake.

HOW are people claiming democrats have the same policies. I feel like i'm losing my mind.

[soyforramen]

Prompt: betty, jughead, the same hooded/masked figure keeps showing up at their door on Halloween. Creepy or funny? Your choice!

(This is so much better than trying to figure out elasticity of demand, and I absolutely cracked myself up with this, so thank you)

xxx

“Howdy neighbor!” 

Jughead gritted his teeth and nodded at Brett.  Betty elbowed him in the side, smoothly turning it into a wave. While neither of them really liked their neighbors across the street (at least it wasn’t Donna outside setting up the Halloween display), they had to pretend to be polite for a little while.

“Good morning Brett!  Already hard at work I take it.”

“Someone’s got to take back the Pumpkin King title from Southside Lane,” Brett said as he leaned on his pitchfork.  His truck was loaded up with enough hay bales and pumpkins to start a petting zoo.  “Let’s bring some pride back to this neighborhood.”

“It’s fucking September,” Jughead muttered. 

In Brett’s yard was the most benign, suburban version of Halloween.  Pumpkins carved with emojis, hay bales impaled with cartoonish, oversized bats, and gravestones with terrible puns (though Betty had to admit the, I was hoping for a pyramid was pretty amusing).  It was everything that Jughead hated about Halloween, and Betty couldn’t help but be tickled at the thought of him having to see it every morning.  

Jughead grumbled, the rain clouds over his head darkening with every second spent looking at the set up.  

“Good luck with it.  Looking good,” Betty called out.  She herded Jughead and the rest of the groceries into the car, already stifling a laugh at the rant she knew would be coming. 

Nancy Thompson let out a scream just as a knock came from the door.  Jughead and Betty glanced at each other - neither were expecting company, nor had they ordered anything.  Betty set aside her laptop and padded towards the door.  She peeked through the peephole and gasped.  

“Jughead,” she hissed.  

He glanced up and she waved him over.

“What the hell?” he whispered when he looked through the peephole.  “Is that -“

“Somebody dressed up in a Regan mask?” 

“I knew this place was upper middle class, but …”

“But why?” 

Jughead stepped away from the door and shrugged.  “Probably a bunch of high school kids playing a prank.”  

“Still…”

Betty stood on tip-toe to peer through the door.  “And, they’re gone.  I’m going to post this on Nextdoor, certainly we can’t be the only ones who’ve had Regan show up at their door.”

“Honestly zombie Regan would be the best thing that could happen this year,” Jughead said as he walked back to the couch.  

“I’d rather have zombie Nixon.  At least he was impeached,” Betty said, following him to watch Glenn fall into a deep sleep.

Xxx

One week later, and they were watching Keanu Reeves go on a face journey through Transylvania.  The door rang, and Jughead groaned.  Betty snuggled in closer to his side and they both ignored the doorbell.  Insistently, it rang again and again, only to stop suddenly.  He untangled himself from her and went to the door.

“I swear, if it’s Archie needing a ladder again … It’s Obama,” he whispered.

“What?” 

Jughead shushed her.  “I think it’s that weirdo again.  Only they’re in an Obama mask this time.”

Betty rushed towards the door and pushed him aside.  “What the hell?”

As she watched, the figure turned and walked off into the darkness of night.  She waited until the figure left, and cracked open the door.  

“Gone again.”  Jughead stepped onto front porch, Betty close behind, but they couldn’t see any sign of life.  “What did your Nextdoor people have to say.”

“You mean our neighbors?” Betty shook her head and pulled out her phone.  “No one else has seen anything, but Mr. Tate’s cat escaped again, so you might want to slow down when you turn the corner.”

“Hey guys!”  

They turned to find Archie, their next door neighbor, waving at them from his garage.  

“Do you think I could borrow your ladder?”

Xxxx

Two weeks until Halloween, and the neighborhood had exploded in festive decorations.  The Blossoms’ two story manse had exploded in gothic horror decor imported from the south of France - “Allegedly,” Jughead had snarked - while the Lodge-Andrews had gone with simple, yet tasteful hints of the season.   Along with the change in temperature had come an orange, passive-aggressive reminder about the HOA’s suggestion that every house participate in celebrating the holidays as a way to join the neighborhood in camaraderie. 

“Let’s just put out a pumpkin -“

“No, not happening,” Jughead snapped.  “I didn’t buy a house just to have some yuppie board - who aren’t even elected -“

“Just because you protested voting doesn’t mean they weren’t elected,” Betty reminded him. 

“-Trying to control how I spend my time and money, it’s, it’s…”

“Un-American?” 

“Immoral!  To take a commercial holiday like Halloween, meant to sell more candy and increase dental decay, and turn it into some requirement -“

A knock at the door and a cheery voice cut through their argument.  They both cursed when they realized who it was.  Jughead stalked off to the basement and Betty made a mental note that this was the third time he’d left her to deal with the Westen Wallis’ alone.  

“For better or worse my ass,” she muttered as she went to the door.  

“Guten Morgen, neighbors!  Donna made of her famous delectable pumpkin Tartts’ Tarts -“

“Tarts from the tart,” Betty muttered before she opened the door with a wide smile.  “Why thank you, this is ever so thoughtful.  And me without anything else to send back with you.”

Brett’s smile grew, and Betty feared for her soul.  “Actually, I don’t know if you saw the flyer -“

“Yes, about the Halloween decorations?  I just don’t know if we’ll get to it this year.  Jughead’s been so busy with school, and I’ve -“

“It’s just that it’s a traditions, you know.  And we do it for the kids,” Brett said.  Betty slowly shut the door, but he continued moving to keep eye contact.  “It’s the talk of the town, and it would -“

His words muffled and Betty walked straight to the kitchen and dumped the tarts into the trash.  

“You owe me Jones,” she yelled out on her way upstairs.

xxx

“Why doesn’t she just go outside again?” Betty asked. 

Black Christmas, while not technically a horror movie, was still on Jughead’s required October Horror-Thon, as well as on his anti-commerical-Christmas playlist.  Despite seeing it twice a year for the last fifteen years, Betty still hadn’t gotten a good answer out of him for the seemingly huge plot idiocy.

“Horror movie rules,” Jughead said through a mouthful of popcorn.  “If she goes outside, they don’t have a way to establish how big of a threat the killer is.”

“Then why doesn’t he just wait outside to kill her?”

“That’s not -“

A knock came from the door, and Betty gave him a look.  

“I dealt with your neighbor this morning.”

“You’re right, it was terrible and treacherous of me, I’m a terrible husband,” Jughead said.  He kissed Betty on the tip of her nose and she pulled him down to meet his lips.  The knock came again and they both rolled their eyes.  

“Don’t forget to put out your pumpkin,” Betty called in a sing-song voice. “Who is it this time?”

“Taft or Cleveland.  Which one had a mustache?” he asked as he turned towards her. 

“Both of them I think.”

“Do you think if I tell them we’re socio-anarchists they’ll go away?”

Betty snorted.  

He opened the door and leaned over.  “At least they left a ransom note this time.”  

Jughead closed the door and double checked the locks while he waved an orange paper at Betty.  

“Let me guess, decorations?” Betty took the paper from him and squinted at the paper.  “Does that say pumpkin or party favor?”

“Either way I refuse to participate.  Did you fast forward this?”

xxx

The day before Halloween, and Jughead braced himself for the onslaught of gaudy, irredeemable tons of plastic and paper decorations that would end up in the trash two days later.  A waste of good materials, and all for what?  A waste of a perfectly good holiday, that’s what.  

He squinted against the morning sun, throwing his school bag into the back of the car.  Seven AM came far too early when all the parents wanted to argue about last night was whether or not Halloween costumes should be allowed rather than thinking about shifting some of the football budget towards something more useful, like new textbooks.  

“Ohayogozimasu!”  Brett chirped from across the street. He looked both ways - twice - and jogged his way over to where Jughead stood.  

Jughead dropped his head and counted to ten.  He wasn’t caffeinated enough for this. 

“Hello, Brett.”

“I see you haven’t put anything out for Halloween yet.  I have some extra decorations if you want.”

Murder is not an option, Jughead thought in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Betty.  Especially when my commute is only ten minutes, the voice reminded him.

“No, thank you Brett.”

“Are you sure?  Because I know you and Betty have only been here for a few months, but we’re all really big -“

“No, thank you, Brett,” Jughead said through gritted teeth.  

Brett held up his hands and smiled that inane politician smile of his.  “Okay, but if you change your mind…”

“Goodbye, Brett,” Jughead said as he opened his door.  Safe in his now locked car, Jughead dropped his head to the steering wheel and reminded himself that they’d moved here because of Betty, for Betty’s career, and it didn’t matter how idiotic the rest of the world was, not when -

A tapping on the glass and Jughead rethought over the consequences of manslaughter.  Ten to fifteen wouldn’t be that bad.

“Yes, Brett,” he said after he’d cracked the glass.

“Just wanted to remind you that me and the missus are having a little get together tonight about Halloween candy -“

Jughead slipped the car in reverse and let it roll towards the street.  Brett jogged to catch up.

“-After all, we don’t want the children -“

It wasn’t until Bon Nuit street that Brett finally peeled off to finish his early morning jog on Stonewall street, that Jughead could breath a sigh a relief.

Xxx

“That was ad libbed,” Jughead said through a mouthful of noodles.

“What?  The dominatrix suit?” Betty asked.  She stole his wonton and he put up a fight even though they both knew he’d have given her his entire order if she asked.

“‘Jesus wept.’  Originally it was supposed to be ‘Fuck off.’”

“Good change.”

The knock at the door came again, and both residents slammed their bowls down.  Together they walked to the door and jerked it open.  George Washington, sans dentures, stared at them.  

“Well?  What do you want?” Betty asked, arms crossed.

The figure held out a sheet, and Jughead shook his head.   “No more games.”

With a growl, the figure yanked off the mask to reveal …

“Donna?” 

“Put out a damn pumpkin,” Donna snapped.  “I have been listening to Brett bitch for the last month, and if I have to listen to one more -“ she pitched up her voice and in a simpering tone said, “-Betty and Jughead I will murder everyone on this block.” 

Donna threw the paper at Jughead and stalked off into the night.  

“And put up a damn snowman in December,” she yelled.

Betty and Jughead exchanged glances.  

“No decorations?”  she asked.

He smirked.  “No decorations.”

[gattmammon]

So the rule is: no children. It used to be "No children, no women", but that's a little sexist, isn't it?

It's not... Ok, so maybe it is a little bit about morality. The people I kill are by and at large massive scumbags, and those who aren't are always the kind of people who fully expect a bullet to the head sooner or later - journalists, activists, people like that. People who are willing to die for the cause, and who am I to get in the way of their martyrdom due to personal scruples.

I mean, who do you think hires people like me? I am a professional, I work with other professionals. Organised crime, mostly. A few billionaires, at least the ones i know won't immediately go to tattle on Twitter. The occasional black ops job, although those are always almost more risk than they're worth. Professional stuff.

I used to do personal - spouses, parents, coworkers, stuff like that - keyword "used", at the very beginning, when I was trying to find my footing. The moment i could, i stopped. Personal is so messy. The clients get cold feet and change their mind, or are intimidated by the police and sell you out, or just don't realise what it means to kill a person until they are dead, at which point they try to kill *you* as revenge.

What I'm trying to get at is, if he was an adult trying to get me to get rid of some nasty coworkers or something, I would have said no before the words were even out of his mouth. But he's not an adult, is he.

I don't know who his mother is, but considering what his current stepmother looks like, tanning poolside just out the big panoramic window, she was probably a bombshell, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say the poor boy resembles his dad instead, Mr. Vincenzi - short , fat and stout in the most stereotypical italo-american tradition.

He imitates his stern expression fairly well, but his big brown eyes, filled with tears, tell another story, and, well. The responsible thing to do would be to tell him to fuck off. Teachable moment. You can't always get what you want, yadayadayada.

But I don't. Instead, I ask: "Why don't you ask your dad?"

I've seen Vincenzi with him. He calls him "his boy", and the child leans into the touch when he pats his shoulder. I saw them chatting poolside before and Vincenzi's porcine eyes, usually colder than the blade of an icepick, were crinkled with a joyful smile. It seemed authentic.

I mean, one can never truly say, but...

The child - Anthony! Tony, that's his name. How stereotypical - shakes his head. "He wouldn't understand. He'd just get me another bike and tell me to ignore them and focus on my studies."

He speaks English very well, without the exaggerated New York accent his father puts on. It occurs to me this is probably why we are in the most boring suburban mcmansion in history instead of some other situation. A good neighbourhood, good schools. All the possibilities child Vincenzi never had. Without realising, for all of his good will, that his poor child would never take in this neighbourhood, like a weed in the spotless gardens the HOA monitors like an hawk.

"He's not wrong, you know. Who cares about those kids. Get another bike." I glance at the money. "Fuck, kid, that adds up to half a grand. Buy three bikes and just keep showing up on a different one until they move onto a new target."

He shakes his head.

"It's about *respect*," he says, painstakingly imitating the way his father would say it. Then, his voice drops to a whisper, decidedly more child-like. "I tried to ignore them before and it only got worse."

And there it is, the reason why I was listening instead of sending him running.

Not to tell you the story of my life, but puberty started hitting me pretty early. I got big boobs and a nice hairy Italian moustache practically at the same time, at twelve, all the while my parents were divorcing.

There's kids like that in every school and neighbourhood and apartment complex. The little gang looking for the perfect victim, and they smell blood in the water from miles, like sharks. And when you go to the adults in your life, you get the same gamut of responses. Fight back (there's too many). Appeal to the authorities (their asses are more covered than mine). Ignore them (they keep escalating). Most adults are distracted, they have stuff to do that is so much more important than the little dramas that play out in the life of a kid.

Most adults. But the good thing about my job is, you make your own hours.

---

I'm on airplanes for most of the following week, so his message hits me a couple days late, but I can't help but smile when it does.

It's a link to a local news story. Apparently, the prized SUVs of three prominent local men all exploded mysteriously during the night, destroying their massive garages in the process. No names are named, but one of the men is a government contractor and another works for an oil company, so the terrorist hypothesis is being explored.

Let them explore. There is no possible connection there. The men were not the target, after all.

The following picture is a selfie from my new friend Tony on his bike, smiling. It's accompanied by an emoji of a little kitty cat giving a thumbs up.

I laugh. He downloaded an emoji app on a burner phone? Oh well, kids will be kids, I tell myself, as I look for an appropriate image of a kitty cat to respond with.

(I made him promise.)

(I said: i don't want money. I want a promise. Kids like that are everywhere. If they smell weakness, they will sink their teeth in. You'll just have to pretend you're tough, even if you don't feel like you are).

(Of course I did it for myself a little bit as well. Certain things you never outgrow. You just grow around them, like tree bark incorporating a bullet after being shot.)

(Promise me, I said. Promise me you'll do your best to be the toughest boy ever, the baddest motherfucker around, even if on the inside you're scared. He looked earnest and serious when he promised. I know he'll do OK, I'm sure, but I also told him he can call me for emergencies).

(Look. At least I didn't kill anybody).

You are a notorious hitman. Seriously one bad mother!@#$er. And this little kid just gave you a big fistful of change to get his bike back from the neighborhood bullies.

[betheflame]

Birthday prompt Meme! 7. Renting a bouncy castle - stuckony 😘

Flash Fill for @tonystarkbingo - Card 018 - square “Justin Hammer”  “TONY.”  Steve heard Bucky roar through the house and winced at Peter. “Abba found the castle, I think.”

Five-year-old Peter giggled. “Abba and Papa are gonna fight, aren’t they?”

“Naa,” Steve said. “Your abba is making some assumptions about things your papa did, but you know Abba and Papa, everything will be fine. Now, let’s finish the bunny and get your shoes tied!”

____

“Why are you settling for something less safe for the kids?” Bucky roared at Tony, who stared at him like he had seven heads. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Hammer Inflatables,” Bucky replied, gesturing at the truck in their driveway. “You hired them for the bouncy castle?”

“Noooo,” Tony said slowly. “Evidently Justin hasn’t learned how to read emails since we booted him from the HOA board.” 

“So, is there a way to make sure the kids get a castle that’s not gonna kill them?”

“The real one is coming in an hour.” 

____

“Justin turned puce,” Bucky snorted. 

“I appreciate that he thought if he literally just showed up with his death traps, it would work,” Tony laughed. 

“He’s been an idiot since college,” Steve replied. “Can we stop talking about him now? Petey had a great birthday, the kids exhausted themselves, and it all went great.”

“What would you like to do instead?” Bucky smirked. 

“Oh, I got a few ideas.”