#kaz needs a hug and only wants to hug inej

[apinchofm]

Embrace 

Two embraces between Kaz and Inej.

[happynowyo]

Stubbornness

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Warnings: mentions of traumas and touch aversion, Reader being a Healer

A/n: so here's the thing I wanted something angsty and smutty but could come up only with the first part tonight so I'll do another hot part in a few days to finish this completely.

Word count: 2,1k

Part 2

— I don't need that, — the confident tone cut through the silence like a sharp knife, sending shivers down your spine for a second.

You might have believed it if you hadn't personally witnessed a couple of Dime Lions beating Kaz with such zeal that the crunch of his broken ribs was clearly audible in the empty valley.

So you continued to worry about him without listening to what was said. You paid far more attention to the quiet sighs Kaz let out with each step, leaning harder and harder on his bad leg, as you noticed the pained expression flickering in his eyes, though you had to hand it to him that he was using all his acting skills to pretend to be fine and make you leave.

— Stop being so stubborn! Even Matthias isn't afraid of my abilities anymore after I healed that bullet wound in his shoulder.

You determinedly followed Kaz into his room, letting the door slam menacingly. As a sign to Kaz that you wouldn't just give up and leave him to be alone with the pain. As a sign to everyone else in the Slat that no one was allowed to bother him anymore in the next couple of hours.

There was no relationship between the two of you. At least, that's what you both claimed when Jesper and Nina cast too many meaningful glances at you, and Inej carefully kept in a secret all those times she saw you leaving Kaz's bedroom before breakfast, knowing that you had spent the night with him. Saints, sometimes even you convinced yourself that you had nothing in common, even though certain details made it clear that your relationship had long gone beyond the professional.

If you didn't know Kaz personally, you'd think he was giving you conflicting signals. He was withdrawn and aloof, preferring to talk only about business. Even if he insisted and you spent the entire evening around him, he went about his deals as if he didn't notice your presence. His stern tone was used toward you as often as it was toward everyone else.

If you didn't know him, you'd be sure that Kaz Brekker was a cold, indifferent bastard who was only interested in kruge and the future death of Pekka Rollins. Calculating and cruel and completely incapable of basic affections. But in reality it was very different. The trick was not to take Kaz for an ordinary guy and not to see him as such. His difficult past had made him wear such armor that it had time to blend into his skin over the years.

In those moments when anyone else would have approached you with caring questions and a warm hug if you were suddenly hurt during the heist, Kaz would limit himself to a brief worried look, though later he would definitely comb down the person you were paired with. You once accused him of being incapable of showing any emotions, but you later realized that the Barrel had hardened him to show it in the most inconspicuous way possible, so as not to put you in any danger. Only the Saints know what Pekka or anyone else would have done to you if they had known about the secret feelings Kaz had for you.

When Wylan revealed that he knew a Healer, everyone took it with great enthusiasm. Even Kaz saw it as a good sign, and it made everyone feel a little more at ease about the tasks ahead, though you remembered to remind Crows to be careful. You could heal a lot, but it wasn't always instantaneous and serious wounds could take a couple of weeks to fully heal. The bigger problem was someone else's stubbornness - Jesper would drag himself to you almost every day with any simple cut, while Matthias or Kaz would literally have to be persuaded.

— I want to help. Let me, please.

Despite the soft shell, the authoritative tone was no deception to Kaz. He sighed heavily and, after a little hesitation, pulled off his jacket, ignoring the flash of pain around his shoulder. Who would have thought that Pekka's secretary was so good with knives?

— You're not supposed to be here, Y/n. He'll be looking for you. Did Pim let you in? — the curt speech was the proof of how much effort Brekker was making to hold back a painful groan and, God forbid, admit that he really needed some help.

You were bound to Anderson with an indenture and officially worked at one of his clubs along with the other Grishas. He was a part of the Merchant Council and was involved in key decisions regarding politics and trade in Ketterdam, which, however, did not stop him from accepting bribes, being under the wing of Pekka and running a real brothel in his club. Many men were really interested in spending the night with Grisha, though more often they ended up asking the girls to demonstrate their skills.

— Anderson is having a party tonight, along with a bunch of other great merchants. And you obviously knew that, since you'd snuck into Pekka's club, counting on the fact that he'd be among the other guests and his office would be empty. Why didn't Nina feel the heartbeat of the guards? — you were tired of the distance between you, so you approached first, gently helping to undo the buttons on Kaz's blood-soaked shirt. Your eyes tried desperately to catch his, but Brekker stubbornly looked away, trying to control the panic that was building up. Close bodily contact was still difficult for him, though his was making definite progress with your help.

— The Fabricator. Someone had worked on the office door, turning it into a veritable safe, through which it is impossible for Grisha to feel or hear anything. Someone from Dregs had told Pekka about our future attack.

Kaz looked angry, but you understood that he had already passed the stage of frustration with his subordinates and so was calculating his options as to who might had done it. His sharp mind was constantly at work, and it was clearly to his advantage now, since it distracted him from realizing how close your fingers were to his body. Phantom heat could already be felt, but it was nothing compared to what he was going to feel later.

You had tried some things before. Intimacy might have been expressed in different ways, but gradually you raised the degree higher and higher. Kaz was getting used to your presence more and more and it allowed him to push his boundaries a little further. Recently you were even able to spend the night in the same bed, separated only by the thin fabric of your pajamas. Before his trauma Kaz was a particularly tactile child, and you hoped to bring him back to that at least a little, showing him that physical touch didn't always have to be accompanied by pain and panic.

You remembered perfectly your first kiss. How timid and cautious it was at first. How desperate and greedy it became later, until a wave of anxiety swept over Kaz and made him pull away first. He focused on avoiding you for a whole week after that and was pretty sure that you were disappointed in his ability to control himself or that you were angry because of his attitude toward touching and the fact that he couldn't give you something normal. However, you managed to change his mind and you continued to take steps toward each other, guided by your growing feelings.

— None of that matters now. You took the papers you wanted, and I'll heal your wounds. We'll deal with everything else in the morning, okay? — you smiled encouragingly, and then you gently stepped closer, your fingers caressing Kaz's bare left side, trying to bind the broken ribs together. Your attentive gaze was fixed on Kaz's face the whole time, assessing and comparing, so that you could instantly catch the moment when the panic of too close contact would occupy his mind again.

— Will you stay? — Kaz finally stopped pretending that his brave solitude on that night was more appealing to him than your support.

— If you behave yourself, sweetheart.

You pulled his shirt aside and examined more closely many bruises and cuts that studded Kaz's torso. The open wound on his right shoulder demanded your attention first, so you gently nudged Kaz toward the bed so that he could sit on it and give you more space. As you worked, you couldn't stop gazing at him, admiring him openly, and your free palm lightly touched his hair, brushing back the strands that had fallen to his forehead. Tenderness filled your heart, and a wandering smile appeared on your lips that didn't escape Kaz's attention.

He liked these moments of comfort with you, and he expressed it in his own way, deciding to take the initiative and slowly run his fingertips from your knee up your thigh. You were standing almost between his legs and the height difference you created gave him an advantageous opportunity. Touching you was still new to Kaz, but the mind-fogging desire was too great and, at certain moments, overpowered any panic. And that's why he gently wrapped his arm around your wrist and pulled you toward him to make you sit on his lap, facing each other even closer.

— It's good you weren't there in his office. If Pekka finds out you're working with me, he'll definitely tell Anderson. They're great friends, it wouldn't cost him anything to get your indenture to himself, — Kaz' eyes were filled with pure hatred, and some part of you was glad it wasn't meant for you.

— You could buy me out. That way I would belong only to you.

— You already belong only to me, Y/n, — Kaz said confidently, in a wave of ghostly jealousy, not even paying attention to the fact that your palm moved to his face, healing his cheekbones from the horrible bruises.

— Only at night. You only claim me here, among these confined four walls, when no one can see or hear us, — you shrugged briefly, getting rid of the sadness in your voice. It would be foolish to expect a man like Kaz to drop everything and leave for a peaceful life. Ketterdam, power and the pursuit of money was everything to him. — Sometimes it takes an effort to remind myself of that during the day, when I don't know if I can see you again because people on streets are about to break the news of your death after another fight or because Anderson will sell me out to someone else.

It was harder to hear about it than to just know it and keep it in the back of his mind. You were the fairest and most beautiful girl for Kaz, the person he truly wanted to protect from everything and care about, and he was sickened by the thought that someone could take you away or hurt you somehow. The words swirled on his tongue, burning with its despair, and he needed to do something to hold on to that moment and cling to you, to prove that the only thing real now was you, your caressing touches erasing the painful sensation from his skin, and the heat of life itself that emanated from you.

The few times before all your kisses had come from you. Kaz had found it easier to accept touch than to touch himself, but now the need to be with you made him go with his urges, so his palm gripped your waist, pulling you closer, and his lips covered yours so hastily, as if he feared it was the last thing he would ever have time and ability to do in his life. But kissing him was still extremely satisfying.

So much that the desire instantly settled in your blood and made you more pliable. Your tongue slid playfully along his, and a convulsive, loud exhalation became yours in common. You unconsciously buried your fingers in his hair and pulled stronger, causing Kaz to moan briefly right into the kiss before he slowly pulled away with a completely shaken look and a bright smile and a glint in his eyes. And in that moment he looked a hell of a lot like his usual self, just a guy spending time with the girl he loved, and their only problem was not the prospect of death at the hands of rival gangs, but the question of whether they'd locked the door.

Although Kaz Brekker had another question stashed away — would you agree to wear that ring he bought for you so you could remember him and his feelings at all times?

Part 2

[marsplastic13]

'Complicated' (part 12) - Kaz Brekker x Reader

Idea - Kaz Brekker hires a prostitute to overcome his touch aversion, and be a better man for Inej, but things take an unxepected turn. Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Prostitute!Reader, (had to use y/n because I'm bad at names) Genre: modern AU, slow burn word count: 7.4k notes: didn't realize how many things happen in this part until right now, take a long breath

@millercontracting @coldmermaidhologram @syd649 @luffysprincess @cryptidghostgirl @beekeepingageissome @hufflepuff-16

tw: panic attack, mention of past abusive relationships, mention of past abuse

The next few days were chaotic for Kaz. He was working around the clock on a crucial deal, frustration mounting as complications arose. The thought of kidnapping everyone involved and locking them in a room until they reached an agreement crossed his mind more than once. His phone buzzed constantly, mostly with messages from Inej, urging him to join her in some remote corner of the world. Meanwhile, Jesper was relentless in his demands for attention, insisting on planning their joint birthday party. If being best friends wasn’t enough, they even shared the same birthday.

In the midst of this whirlwind, a message from Y/n made him pause. She had sent him two pictures of herself in different swimsuits, asking, 'Can’t decide the color'.

Kaz took a moment to study the images, appreciating her form and the swimsuits that highlighted it. The first one, a sleek black number, hugged her curves in all the right places, exuding a sense of sophistication and allure. The second, a vibrant red, contrasted beautifully with her skin, giving her a playful yet seductive appearance. His eyes traced the lines of her body, lingering on the way the fabric accentuated her waist and the gentle curve of her hips. He could almost feel the texture of the swimsuits under his fingertips, the thought sending a shiver down his spine.

Without much thought, he transferred 800 kruge to her, labeling the transaction ‘Both.’

Almost immediately, she replied, ‘I don’t think you know swimsuit prices.’

Kaz smirked at her response, typing back, ‘Do you need more?’

‘It’s too much!’ she protested.

‘I’m sure you’ll find something else to buy,’  he replied, feeling a rare sense of lightness.

‘:)’ was her only answer, but it was enough to make him smile.

He leaned back in his chair, momentarily forgetting the pressures of the deal, Inej’s incessant texts, and Jesper’s party plans. The thought of Y/n in those swimsuits lingered in his mind, a welcome distraction from the chaos.

With a sigh, Kaz returned to his negotiations, determined to push through the obstacles. But the images of Y/n, and the playful banter that accompanied them, stayed with him, a reminder of the choices and feelings he needed to confront.

***

Finally, after days, the deal was closed, and Kaz could breathe. As the car started moving, he undid his tie, feeling a wave of relief wash over him. The pressure had been immense, and now he just wanted to share this victory with Y/n. He dialed her number, anticipation buzzing in his chest.

“We fucking did it, love, I’m free,” he announced, his voice filled with excitement.

“I’m so happy for you, baby,” she replied, but her voice was strained.

Kaz immediately picked up on it. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Due to poor scheduling, I had two very… demanding clients one after the other, and I’m exhausted.”

Hearing her talk about her job always stirred a rush of jealousy in Kaz. He hated the thought of her with other men, even if it was just for work. He clenched his jaw, trying to push the feeling aside.

“I wanted to take you out for dinner,” he said, hoping to distract himself with the idea of spending a relaxing evening with her.

“Can we do tomorrow, baby? I can’t move,” she sounded genuinely worn out, and his heart softened.

“Sure,” he said, trying to hide his disappointment. “Come here?” she asked, her voice softening.

“Already on my way,” he replied without hesitation.

Y/n was wearing his underwear and a white crop top with ‘Virgin’ written on it. Her hair was up, and her eyes were half-closed, and Kaz thought she had never looked more beautiful. She got on her toes, linking her arms behind his neck to kiss him. “Hi,” she murmured against his lips, and he felt his knees ready to give in.

“I got you pizza. I think it’ll be here in 10 minutes,” she said, leading him to her room.

“Thank you, love. You didn’t have to,” Kaz replied.

Y/n shrugged, collapsing on her bed. Only in contrast with the white sheets he notice the bruises around her body. “What happened to you?” he asked, concerned.

“Very demanding clients, I told you.”

Kaz sighed, torn between wanting to know more and not wanting to know anything at all. “Y/n, did they hurt you?”

“Well, not intentionally. Don't worry, Kaz; it was really good,” she said, closing her eyes and resting her head on his lap.

His hands gently brushed against her bruises, trying to keep his thoughts in check. “Were you enjoying it?” The question came out harsher than he intended.

“Yes,” she said simply.

‘More than me?’ The words were on the tip of his tongue, ready to dangerously roll out, leading to really uncomfortable conversations. He sighed; they were both too tired for meaningless fights. Yes, he could get mad about her job, but then what? There was no point.

“Were you safe?” he decided to ask.

“Of course. I trust them. I don't do certain things with strangers or with new clients.”

Kaz hummed, stroking her hair. “Tell me about your deal, come on,” she encouraged him without opening her eyes.

He told her a summary of what had gone down in the past days, and she looked genuinely interested. They opened the pizza in bed, accompanied by a very expensive bottle of wine that surely deserved to be tasted on other occasions rather than with greasy pizza, on a bed, drinking directly from it.

“There's cheese on it. What are you going to eat?” he asked, shoving half a slice into his mouth.

“I'm just going to inhale deeply the smell and drink wine.”

"Y/n, cut the bullshit and eat," he said firmly, his concern for her health evident in his voice.

"Rude," she retorted, but he could hear the weariness in her tone.

He leaned forward slightly, meeting her tired gaze. "Y/n," he began softly, "I know you're tired. But you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," she insisted, her voice quieter now, almost defeated.

Kaz pinched the bridge of his nose, frustration and worry mingling within him. "Don't make a scene, love," he murmured.

Y/n sighed, exhaustion and resignation crossing her features. "I won't eat that; it looks disgusting," she protested weakly, avoiding his gaze.

"Just get something from your fridge," Kaz suggested, trying to keep his tone gentle despite his growing concern.

He watched as Y/n finally relented, disappearing into the kitchen. When she returned with a banana, Kaz felt a wave of relief wash over him. "Happy?" she asked, her tired eyes meeting his.

"Very much," Kaz replied, smiling softly.

After finishing their meal, Kaz and Y/n settled back into bed, finding comfort in each other's presence. Y/n lay on her back with Kaz's chest as her pillow, both absorbed in watching an episode of House on her tablet. Kaz absentmindedly traced patterns on her body, his mind finally relaxing after the past long days.

Lost in his thoughts, Kaz slid one hand under Y/n's shirt, a gesture that had become familiar between them. But this time, unlike before, he felt her flinch, a subtle but unmistakable reaction that instantly brought him back to the present.

“Y/n, is everything okay?” he asked gently, withdrawing his hand immediately.

“I… I won’t be able to have sex tonight, or anything else,” she blurted out quickly, her words rushed and tinged with anxiety.

Kaz remained calm, his concern growing as he sensed her distress. “It’s fine, Y/n. I’m pretty tired too,” he reassured her, trying to keep his voice steady despite the unease stirring within him.

But Y/n's breathing quickened, each breath coming in shallow gasps as if she couldn't get enough air. Kaz's worry deepened. “Hey, what's going on?” he asked softly, reaching out to gently touch her arm.

“I’m sorry, I can try if you want, but I-” Her voice trembled with panic, her eyes darting away.

“Are you listening to me? I said it’s fine, love,” Kaz insisted, shifting slightly to try and meet her gaze. He could see the fear in her eyes, as if she had seen a ghost.

Y/n suddenly moved away from him, her eyes fixed on him but seemingly unfocused. She started repeating apologies frantically, tears streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably.

“Everything is fine, you’re with me,” Kaz tried to reassure her, his voice soft and soothing, though uncertain of how to handle the situation.

“I know what you want from me, and I can’t… I can’t-” Her words were choked with emotion, her distress palpable.

“I don’t want anything, Y/n,” Kaz said firmly but gently, reaching out to hold her hand. “Just try to breathe. You’re safe here.”

Her panic seemed to intensify, her breaths erratic and shallow. Kaz's heart sank, feeling utterly helpless as he watched her struggle.

“Y/n, you’re not breathing properly. What is going on?” he asked urgently, his concern deepening into a knot of worry in his chest.

Finally, she managed to focus on him again, her tear-streaked face etched with anguish. “I… I can’t do this,” she managed to say between sobs.

Kaz's mind raced, trying to piece together what could have triggered such a severe reaction. “It’s me, Y/n,” Kaz said softly, his voice unwavering despite the turmoil inside.

Tears continued to fall from her eyes as she struggled to regain control. “I am nothing for you,” she muttered, her wide eyes darting around the room as if searching for an escape. “You just want me for sex and tonight I can’t-”

Kaz's heart raced as he watched Y/n struggle through the grips of her panic attack. Her words cut through the air with a sharpness that betrayed her fear, leaving Kaz feeling utterly helpless. He knew that touching her might worsen the situation, but he couldn't bear to see her in such distress.

“Y/n, you’re having a panic attack,” Kaz interjected gently, hoping to ground her in reality. His voice, usually steady, now quivered slightly with concern as he tried to reach for her hand again.

Her breathing remained erratic, each gasp tearing at Kaz's own nerves. “Don’t touch me. Please, let me go,” she pleaded, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Kaz withdrew his hand immediately, a pang of guilt and worry twisting in his chest. He felt a surge of anxiety rise within him, unsure of how best to support her through this overwhelming episode. The sight of her pain, both physical and emotional, weighed heavily on him.

“I won’t hurt you, Y/n,” Kaz reassured, his voice a whisper amidst her sobs. “You’ll be okay. Just breathe.”

Her panicked words continued to spill out, trapped in a loop of distress. “I can’t give it to you, I can’t- I'm so tired, please,” she repeated, her gaze unfocused and terrified.

Kaz's mind raced, desperately trying to understand what had triggered such a severe reaction. He knew Y/n's job was demanding and often brought emotional challenges, but this level of panic was new and alarming.

“I know I’m nothing for you, but please, I don’t want to-”

Before things could escalate further, Kaz made a quick decision. He needed help, someone who knew Y/n well. Without another word, he left the room swiftly, his footsteps echoing in the hallway as he sought out her roommates.

He found one of them in the living room, concern etched on her face as she saw Kaz's distressed expression. Without hesitation, he explained the situation, his voice urgent yet measured.

“It’s Y/n,” Kaz began, his voice catching slightly with worry. “She’s having a panic attack. I don’t know what to do.”

Y/n's roommate nodded understandingly, her face softening with empathy. “I’ll come with you,” she said firmly, leading Kaz back towards Y/n’s room.

Together, they entered the room where Y/n lay curled up on the bed, hugging her legs, her breathing still uneven. Kaz hovered anxiously in the doorway, feeling both relief and apprehension at having someone else there to help.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Y/n's roommate spoke softly, her voice a soothing balm in the tense atmosphere. “We’re here for you.” 

Kaz stood back, grateful to see Y/n in the care of someone she trusted. He was about to speak, but his words caught in his throat when Y/n's tear-streaked face turned towards her roommate. There was a mix of fear and relief flickering in her eyes.

“Please let me go,” Y/n's voice was weak and shaky. “I am not an object.”

Kaz felt shock ripple through him at her words. He hadn't expected this plea, hadn't realized the depth of her emotional turmoil. His heart skipped several beats, feeling guilt and concern pressing heavily on him. He stood frozen in the doorway, feeling helpless as he watched Y/n's tear-streaked face, her distress palpable.

“No, you’re not, baby,” her roommate's gentle voice broke through the tense air. “You’re home now, it’s safe. No one wants anything from you.”

Gradually, Y/n’s breathing began to steady, the intense panic subsiding as her roommate guided her through calming breaths. Kaz remained by the doorway, silently observing, his worry for Y/n still palpable. He felt like an intruder in this intimate moment of vulnerability.

“Are you coming back to us?” the roommate asked softly, and Y/n nodded faintly.

“Kaz is here, do you want him to stay?” Y/n turned towards him, her eyes searching and uncertain. She nodded again, and Kaz felt a mix of relief and trepidation at being allowed into her space during such a fragile moment.

“Can I leave you alone with him? I’ll be just outside,” the roommate offered, and Y/n nodded once more.

“Yes, yes, I’m coming out of it,” Y/n murmured weakly, her gaze still distant but slowly regaining focus.

Kaz stepped cautiously into the room, feeling the weight of the situation pressing down on him. He approached Y/n slowly, unsure of how to comfort her but wanting desperately to do something. He sat down gently beside her on the bed, keeping a respectful distance but close enough to offer support if needed.

He could see the embarrassment etched on her face, her cheeks flushed with shame. She avoided his gaze, her hands fidgeting nervously in her lap.

“Hey,” Kaz began gently, breaking the uneasy silence between them. “There’s no need to feel embarrassed. You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

Y/n let out a shaky breath, still not meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry, Kaz,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “I didn’t mean to... I just lost control. It was such a stressful day.”

Kaz reached out tentatively, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Y/n, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself. I’m just really worried about you.”

She finally looked up at him, tears still lingering in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, her voice cracking with emotion, “My ex-boyfriend… he wasn’t the only abusive relationship I was in. I’m not used to people wanting to stay with me for more than sex.”

Kaz's heart sank even more, the weight of their complicated relationship pressing down on him like never before. He couldn't bear the thought of Y/n feeling used or undervalued, especially by him. The realization hit him hard, making him confront his own shortcomings.

Every promise he had made about leaving Inej, spoken in moments of vulnerability and passion, yet never followed through—each one now felt like a betrayal. He saw now how those empty assurances could have chipped away at her trust. Each time he had let Jesper's jokes about her job slide, dismissing them as harmless banter, he had unwittingly contributed to her feeling like she was only valued for her body.

The guilt was suffocating. He had been so caught up in his own struggles, his own fears, that he hadn't fully grasped the depth of hers. It wasn’t just about his complicated relationship with Inej or his clandestine meetings with Y/n. It was about seeing Y/n for who she truly was, beyond the surface, beyond the physical.

“Y/n, if I ever-”

“You didn’t, don’t worry.”

Kaz took a deep breath, steadying himself as he looked into her eyes. "I care about you. It's really important that you know that. For me, it's not just physical, Y/n."

"It would be so much easier if it was," she replied, her hand gently caressing his cheek. "Then you would hurt me, and I'd forget about you."

"I don't want this to end," he whispered back, his voice raw with emotion.

"Can we sleep now?" she asked, her voice small and tired.

"I just want to make sure you’re okay," Kaz insisted firmly, his concern unwavering. Y/n nodded slowly, her shoulders relaxing slightly under his touch.

“Are you sure nothing happened today?” Kaz pressed, his worry evident.

“Yeah, it was just heavy. I pushed too much, triggered old memories,” she admitted, her voice tinged with sadness.

“Are you sure they didn’t hurt you?” he asked again, his eyes searching hers for any signs of distress.

“Yes, Kaz, they were just both into violent stuff, and I screamed my lungs out all afternoon,” she explained.

Kaz frowned, puzzled. “Are you into it?” he asked, trying to understand.

“Sometimes,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Are you sure that you like sleeping with me?” He couldn’t hold it in any longer. “You’re used to all these weird things that I don’t know anything about.”

“Of course I like it, love,” Y/n finally smiled at him, her expression softening. “It’s totally different having sex with a client and doing it with—” she stopped, uncertainty written all over her face.

“With?” he encouraged her, pulling her into his arms, hoping to give her the reassurance she needed.

They stared at each other for a moment, the air thick with unspoken words. “With a friend,” she offered softly, her voice filled with sincerity.

Kaz nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Bet they don’t cuddle you after.”

She laughed, the sound like a balm to his worried heart. Tracing his jaw with her fingers, she continued, “You’d be surprised at how many of them just want simple things. Take all those men that take me on trips—they don’t have time to have an actual girlfriend, be there for her, build a family. So they just pay me to do it. Laugh at their jokes, praise them in front of their colleagues. They just want a wave of fake normalcy. And I like being a girlfriend for a week or two; it’s all I can handle.”

Kaz listened intently, his heart aching for the life she described. He realized how different their worlds were, yet how much he wanted to be a part of hers. "I get it," he said softly. "But with me, it doesn't have to be fake. You deserve more than just a week or two of normalcy."

Y/n looked at him, her eyes filled with hope and fear. "I don’t know if I can handle more," she confessed, her voice trembling slightly.

Kaz held her closer, his resolve strengthening. “Nothing to decide right now.”

“I'm too tired to remind you how stupid this is.”

“Then shut up and go to sleep.”

Kaz woke up to what must have been the twentieth message she received. “I swear, I’m going to break your phone,” he muttered. Y/n had been awake for some time already, and he was resting his head on her stomach. With every new message, she giggled, making his head move slightly.

“Sorry,” she said, her voice full of amusement.

“Who is writing you all these messages at fucking sunrise?” he asked, annoyed, without opening his eyes.

“First of all, it’s 9 a.m.,” she corrected him. “Second, it’s Mother’s Day.”

“And you have a lot of children or a lot of mothers?” Kaz’s sarcasm was evident, his annoyance clear.

“Neither of them, actually. I have a lot of clients,” Y/n replied, playfully.

Kaz made a disgusted face, raising his head to look at her. “Hey, gorgeous,” she said, tilting her head to look at him before getting her attention back to her phone, giggling again.

“They’re really wishing you a happy Mother’s Day? It’s gross,” Kaz said, his tone laced with incredulity.

“It’s kind of sweet that all the men who sucked my tits feel the duty to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. You have no idea of the tips they’re sending me.” Y/n turned her phone to let him see the pile of notifications—messages and money transfers, one after the other.

Kaz stared at the screen, a mixture of shock and jealousy coursing through him. “It’s still weird,” he grumbled, resting his head back on her stomach. “And annoying.”

Y/n laughed softly, running her fingers through his hair. “I know it’s strange, but it’s just part of the job. They feel a connection, even if it’s superficial.”

Kaz closed his eyes, trying to block out the steady stream of notifications. “I don’t like it,” he admitted, his voice muffled against her skin.

“I know,” she said softly, her tone comforting. “But you don’t have to worry about them. They’re just clients.”

Kaz’s grip on her tightened slightly, his fingers tracing small circles on her side. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that,” he confessed.

Y/n put down her phone and cupped his face, making him look up at her. “You’re not just a client, Kaz. You’re my friend, and you mean a lot to me.”

He nodded, feeling a bit reassured. “Okay,” he said softly, leaning into her touch.

“Good,” she replied, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “Just go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Kaz agreed, a small smile playing on his lips. “But if that phone goes off one more time…”

Y/n laughed, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “I’ll put it on mute, just for you.”

“Thank you,” he mumbled, closing his eyes again and settling back down, feeling a bit more at ease.

“Come on, Kaz, wake up. It’s already past 11. How much are you going to sleep?” Y/n asked, her voice carrying a blend of impatience and amusement.

“All day,” Kaz mumbled, burying his face deeper into her abdomen.

“Oh, you’re even drooling on me. Disgusting,” she said, shoving him away gently.

“Sorry,” he replied, sitting up and wiping his mouth, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“You know I have a life other than spending time with you, right?” she teased, getting up and disappearing into her wardrobe.

“I thought you spent your days waiting for my texts,” he retorted, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Yeah, you wish. I have lunch with a friend, then I have to throw paint to a monument to protest against climate change, throw tear gas at the police, and I start work at 5,” she listed off, pulling out clothes and holding them up for inspection.

“Please don’t get arrested,” Kaz said, his tone carrying both genuine concern and exasperation.

“I can’t, I have to work. Are you listening to me?” She picked out an outfit and turned to him. “Do you think this works for lunch and saving the world?”

“Sure,” he replied absently, not really paying attention to the clothes but rather watching her with a fondness he didn’t often show.

“Do you want to come to the protest?” she asked, her eyes sparkling.

“Absolutely not,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Climate change is not my problem.”

“What about your children? Or the children of your children?” she countered, raising an eyebrow at him.

He chuckled again, getting up and moving closer to her. He kissed her temple softly. “I’ll make sure not to have any.”

“Selfish,” she commented, rolling her eyes but smiling.

“What time are you off?” he asked, watching her as she finished getting dressed.

“Eight, I think,” she replied, checking her reflection in the mirror.

“Great, don’t make plans,” Kaz said, a hint of anticipation in his voice.

Y/n turned to him, a playful smirk on her lips. “Oh? What do you have in mind?”

“You’ll see,” he said cryptically, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

***

‘I’m outside,’ Kaz texted her at 8 sharp, and waited, leaning casually against his brand-new bike. A smirk played on his lips as he heard the sound of her footsteps descending the stairs.

When Y/n saw him, she stopped in her tracks, her mouth falling open. “What in the mid-life crisis is that?” she exclaimed.

Kaz’s smirk widened. He stood proudly next to his bike, a sleek, black Ducati with gleaming chrome accents and a matte finish. 

“Kaz, you’re too young to have a mid-life crisis, you know that?” she teased, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Do you like it?” he asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

Y/n circled the bike, taking in every detail. “Yeah, it’s so beautiful,” she said, admiration evident in her voice. “Oh, you even got the thing to hold your cane. I think we’re watching too much House, baby.”

Kaz made a crooked smile, appreciating her attention to detail. “Just an early birthday present from myself,” he shrugged nonchalantly, then offered her a helmet. “Want to go for a ride?”

Y/n looked at the helmet, then back at Kaz, her expression a mix of excitement and apprehension. “Yeah, but I’m fucking scared,” she laughed nervously. “Are you sure you can drive this thing?”

“Of course I can,” he assured her, his confidence unwavering. “Come on, trust me.”

She hesitated for a moment, then took the helmet from him, her fingers brushing against his. “Alright,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Let’s do this.”

Kaz helped her with the helmet, making sure it was secure before putting on his own. He mounted the bike with practiced ease and extended a hand to her. “Hop on,” he said, his voice steady and reassuring.

Y/n climbed onto the bike behind him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. She could feel the powerful engine rumbling beneath her, the vibrations sending a thrill through her entire body.

“Ready?” Kaz asked, glancing over his shoulder.

“Ready,” she replied, her voice steady despite the butterflies in her stomach.

With a rev of the engine, they took off, the wind whipping around them as they sped through the city streets. Y/n’s initial fear melted away, replaced by exhilaration as they wove through traffic and took on the open road. Kaz’s confidence and skill were evident in every turn, every acceleration.

They rode for what felt like hours, the world blurring around them, a sense of freedom and adventure filling the air. Finally, Kaz brought the bike to a stop at a scenic overlook, the city lights twinkling below them.

Y/n removed her helmet, her hair tousled and her cheeks flushed with excitement. “That was amazing,” she said breathlessly, her eyes shining.

Kaz smiled, his own heart pounding with exhilaration. “Told you it’d be fun,” he said, leaning in to kiss her softly.

She kissed him back, their surroundings fading away, leaving just the two of them in that perfect moment.

Kaz wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer as they both took in the breathtaking view. The city lights below twinkled like stars, casting a serene glow over their moment of quiet togetherness. 

“Will you come to our birthday dinner?” he asked, his voice soft but hopeful.

Y/n glanced at him, then away, her gaze settling somewhere distant. “It would be weird, Kaz,” she said softly, her tone tinged with uncertainty.

“Why?” he pressed gently, not wanting to let the idea go just yet.

“Well, Jesper doesn’t like me, and it’s his birthday too. All of your friends will be there… I just don’t fit in the picture,” she explained, her voice carrying a trace of sadness.

“We’re friends, and it’s not true that he doesn’t like you,” Kaz tried, though even he knew his argument was weak.

Y/n raised an eyebrow, skepticism evident in her eyes. “Come on, Kaz. You’ve heard the way he talks about me.”

Kaz sighed, knowing there was some truth to her words. “Jesper can be... opinionated. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.”

“He thinks I’m a distraction, that I’m not good enough for you,” she insisted, her voice tinged with frustration.

“Jesper has his own issues,” Kaz said, trying to placate her. “He doesn’t always understand other people’s choices. But that doesn’t mean he dislikes you.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know anyone apart from you and Jesper. It would be weird,” she insisted, the hesitation clear in her eyes.

“I won’t leave your side,” Kaz promised, his grip tightening slightly, a subtle plea in his words.

“It would be even weirder. You’re still in a relationship, Kaz,” she reminded him gently but firmly.

He sighed, frustration mingling with resignation. “Me and Inej haven’t talked in days,” he said dryly, a hint of bitterness in his tone.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Come on, you know it too. They would start asking questions we don’t know how to answer, and it would be embarrassing. They’ll make me feel like shit,” her voice became smaller, a hint of sadness creeping in.

Kaz felt a pang of guilt and frustration. He didn’t want her to feel like an outsider, but he couldn’t deny the truth in her words. The complexities of their situation, the secrecy, the unspoken feelings—all of it created a tangled web that made simple things complicated. But he really wanted her to be with him on his birthday, to share that day with her.

Kaz pulled her closer, resting his forehead against hers. “I wish things were different,” he whispered, the words heavy with unspoken emotions.

“Do you really?” she replied softly, a playful smile tugging at her lips. “Admit it, love. The lies, the sneaking out, the secrets—you’re enjoying it.”

Her words struck a chord within him. He opened his mouth to protest, but a wry smile crept onto his face. She knew him too well. The thrill of their clandestine meetings, the adrenaline rush of stolen moments—it was intoxicating, and he couldn’t deny it.

“Okay, you caught me,” he admitted with a chuckle. “There’s something about it that makes everything more intense. But it’s not just that.”

She tilted her head, her fingers tracing lazy patterns on his chest. “I know. I feel it too. It’s exciting, and I like that it’s not serious. It takes the pressure off.”

Kaz felt a pang of frustration. “At least think about the party,” he urged, trying to keep his tone calm and persuasive.

“Kaz, your birthday party with all of your friends is a girlfriend-kind-of-thing, not a whatever-we-are-doing thing,” she replied, shaking her head. “If you broke up, I might have considered it, but come on, it’s too much even for me. And one time I babysat the kids of the married man I was hooking up with.”

He winced at her bluntness, but he couldn’t deny the truth in her words. “I know it’s complicated,” he admitted, his voice softer. “But I want you there with me. It would mean a lot.”

She sighed, her expression softening a bit. “I get that, Kaz. But I’m not ready to be paraded around in front of your friends, pretending everything is fine. Especially not when things between us are so... undefined. What are you going to say? Who am I?”

Kaz hesitated, searching for the right words. “You’re someone I care about deeply. Someone who means a lot to me. Isn’t that enough?”

Y/n shook her head, her eyes filled with doubt. “It’s not that simple. Your friends will want details. They’ll want to know who I am and why I’m there. I don’t want to be put on the spot, and I don’t want to be judged.”

“I’ll handle it,” Kaz promised, his voice firm.

“Baby, please, it doesn’t make any sense. You know it, I know it, just let go,” Y/n pleaded, her tone gentle but resolute.

He sighed, a mixture of frustration and disappointment evident in his expression, “Fine.”

***

The day before his birthday, Kaz waited outside Y/n's apartment, glancing at his watch every few minutes. There was no sign of her car, and she was already pretty late. After a while, her familiar Mini turned the corner, and she parked almost straight, skidding slightly to a halt.

As soon as she got out of the car, Y/n started apologizing profusely. “I’m so sorry for being late, Kaz.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Is that a tennis racket?” he asked, puzzled.

“Oh, yeah. I’m seeing this guy who thinks tennis lessons count as dates. I'm pretty good too,” she replied nonchalantly, though she was still catching her breath.

“You’re pretty late,” he noted, trying to keep his tone light but failing to hide his annoyance.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry,” she said, taking his hand and leading him towards her flat. Once in her room, she started rummaging through her wardrobe, pulling out various outfits to find the perfect one for dinner. “I’ll be super quick, I swear.”

Kaz smiled as he reached into his jacket and pulled out four concert tickets, holding them up proudly. “Look what I found.”

Y/n’s eyes widened in delight. “Oh, saints, you found them? I’m going to kiss you!” she exclaimed, rushing over to him. She cupped his face, planting kisses all around it. “You’re amazing,” she kissed his cheek. “Thank you,” another kiss. “Fantastic,” she kissed his forehead. “I love you,” she kissed his lips.

Y/n turned to leave, Kaz gripped her wrist, pulling her back gently but firmly. “What did you just say?” he asked, his voice betraying curiosity and surprise.

The girl froze, slowly turning around, her eyes wide and her lower lip caught between her teeth. “What?” she asked, her voice unnaturally high.

“Care to say that again?” Kaz’s tone was gentle, but there was a serious undertone that made her heart race.

“Uh, thank you for the tickets?” she tried weakly, her eyes darting around the room, avoiding his intense gaze.

“Y/n,” Kaz repeated, his tone firmer, drawing her attention back to him. His eyes searched hers, filled with a mix of curiosity and determination.

She bit her lip, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “Oh, you know what? I was lying, 100%. Can't stand you,” she said, the words coming out in a rush. “Can I go have a shower? We're late,” she added, turning to leave again.

Kaz tightened his grip on her wrist, not letting her escape so easily. “Y/n, stop,” he said softly but insistently.

She sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. “Kaz, please. Can we just drop it? It was a slip of the tongue. I didn't mean to say it.”

“But you did say it,” he countered, his eyes never leaving hers. “And I need to know if you meant it.”

She looked at him with wide eyes, clearly conflicted. The usually confident Y/n was visibly shaken, and for the first time since he had known her, Kaz saw her properly blush. “No, not as you think,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “It was just a slip up.”

Kaz let go of her arm, still in shock. He watched as she hurriedly gathered her things, her movements quick and deliberate. Y/n really did get ready in record time, disappearing into the bathroom and emerging not much later with her usual confident demeanor restored. It was as if the vulnerable moment had never happened, and Kaz knew better than to push her with uncomfortable questions.

Hours later, the conversation was just a blur in the back of Kaz's foggy mind. “Stay on your knees, lift my hips,” Y/n instructed, arching her back in satisfaction. “Fuck, how can this feel even better?” he said, following her guidance. 

Y/n extended one of her legs to rest it on his shoulder. He barely registered the shift, too focused on the overwhelming sensations coursing through him. “Come closer, love,” she said between moans. Kaz immediately leaned in, marveling at her flexibility when her knee and shoulder almost touched under his weight. “Pilates is paying off, right?” she teased, noticing his amazed expression.

“Fuck, Y/n, please be mine,” he groaned, desperation lacing his voice.

“Yeah? I—” her smart reply died in her throat as his tongue began playing with her nipple. 

“I want to be with you, every day,” he murmured against her skin.

“Every day?” she echoed, her voice trembling with pleasure.

“Every damn day, Y/n. Please, let’s try it.”

“Why do you become so needy during sex?” she asked, her breath hitching as he continued.

“Because you deserve all of it. Move in with me,” he said, assaulting her neck with kisses, his pace never faltering.

“Sure, baby, whatever you want,” she replied, her voice heavy with lust and affection.

“I want everyone to know you're mine.”

“Am I?” she challenged, a playful glint in her eyes.

“Yes.”

“Did I agree on that?”

“Since you can't make a decision, I'll take one for you,” he said with a possessive growl, his hands gripping her tighter.

Y/n smiled between quick breaths, cupping his face and kissing him deeply. “Then what?” she teased.

“Then you'll leave your job and spend the days throwing my money away,” he said, his voice low and intense.

“I don't know if it feels better what you do or what you say,” she admitted, her body arching into his touch. “Harder, love. Don't be scared, I won't break.”

Kaz obliged, increasing his intensity, his mind and body completely consumed by her. Every touch, every word, every shared breath solidified his desire to make her his in every way possible. He moved with purpose, his grip tightening on her hips as he thrust deeper, his eyes locked onto hers, drinking in every expression of pleasure that crossed her face.

“More, love, please, don’t stop talking,” she pleaded, her voice a mixture of desperation and ecstasy.

“You're everything to me, Y/n,” he murmured, his words punctuated by the rhythm of their movements. “I need you, every day, every night. I want to wake up next to you, fall asleep holding you.”

Her hands clutched at his back, nails digging into his skin as she pulled him closer, urging him to go harder, faster. “Yes, baby, just like that,” she moaned, her head falling back against the pillow, lost in the sensations he was giving her.

“You’re mine,” he growled, his voice rough with emotion. 

She responded with a cry of pleasure, her body trembling beneath him. Her voice hitched as a wave of ecstasy washed over her, her muscles tensing and then releasing in a shuddering climax.

He watched her, mesmerized by the sight of her unraveling beneath him, and it pushed him over the edge. With a final, deep thrust, he followed her into bliss, his own release crashing through him with an intensity that left him breathless.

For a few moments, they lay tangled together, their breaths mingling as they came down from the high. Kaz’s hands caressed her skin, his touch gentle and reverent. His mind was a mix of intricate thoughts, emotions swirling within him like a storm.

“Y/n, I—” he began, his voice tinged with vulnerability.

“Don’t,” she cut him off harshly, her tone sharp enough to slice through the intimacy of the moment.

Kaz sighed, looking at her. Her hair was a wild mess on the pillow, a halo of disarray framing her face. Her neck bore a small constellation of his bites, each mark a testament to their passion. It was really difficult to concentrate on rational thoughts when she looked so utterly captivating.

“But—” he tried again, the words slipping out before he could stop them.

“I’ll run away if you say it,” she warned, her eyes flashing with fear and determination.

Kaz paused, his heart pounding in his chest. He could see the conflict in her eyes, the war between her desire to stay close and her instinct to push him away. He knew this was a delicate moment, one that required careful handling.

“Alright,” he conceded softly, his hand tracing a soothing path along her arm. “Would you? Move in with me?”

Y/n sighed, her eyes flickering with uncertainty. “Why do you want to rush things?”

“We could be roommates,” he laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “I promise I’m not that messy.”

“Yeah, sure, let’s complicate things a bit more,” she replied, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“That’s the spirit, love,” he said, grinning at her.

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t hide the small smile tugging at her lips. “I won’t leave my job, Kaz. You know that, right?”

“I’ll keep checking,” he replied, his tone serious despite the playful banter. He wanted her to know that he was committed to supporting her, no matter what.

Y/n hummed softly, resting her head on his chest. “I can’t stop thinking about all the fun things I’m going to teach you. I’ll make you my perfect toy boy.”

Kaz chuckled, running his fingers through her hair. “Toy boy? I’m older than you, you know.”

“Shut up,” she retorted, smacking his chest lightly. “Age doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ll learn.”

“Learn what, exactly?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, so many things,” she purred, her voice taking on a teasing edge. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Kaz felt a rush of excitement at her words. Despite the complexities of their relationship, the idea of exploring new experiences together was undeniably appealing. “I’m looking forward to it,” he admitted, his voice low and sincere.

“I am crazy for how talkative you become once you start to get loose,” she said, tracing patterns on his chest with her finger.

Kaz laughed softly, the sound rumbling in his chest. “I suppose you bring that out in me.”

“Good to know,” she replied with a playful grin, leaning up to press a kiss against his chin.

He captured her lips in a gentle kiss, savoring the taste of her. 

***

Kaz waited anxiously through the entire birthday dinner, hoping that Y/n would change her mind and show up. Even that morning, she had assured him she didn’t, but still, he held onto a flicker of hope. Throughout the evening, everyone kept asking about Inej, and Kaz did his best to dodge the questions. Their texts had grown increasingly sparse, and she had only called briefly to wish him a happy birthday while Y/n was still asleep next to him.

After dinner, the plan was to meet at the Crow Club. Naturally, the birthday boys went together, and that year it was Kaz’s turn to stay somewhat sober and drive. They were halfway there when Y/n called him. Kaz answered from the car, his heart skipping a beat. “Y/n, you’re on speaker. Jesper’s here.” He really hoped that she had changed her mind and was ready to join the rest of the party.

But her voice trembled, sending a chill down his spine. “Aleksander, where are you taking me?”

Kaz and Jesper exchanged puzzled looks. “Relax, doll, it’s just a drive,” the unfamiliar voice replied.

“You kidnapped me, you’re pointing a gun at me and driving like a madman. I tend to worry in these situations,” Y/n’s voice quivered with fear.

Kaz’s blood ran cold. He exchanged a worried glance with Jesper, who was now just as tense.

“You know I would never hurt you, doll,” Aleksander said with a sinister calm.

“I’m pretty sure you already broke two of my ribs,” she shot back, the fear barely masked by her sarcasm.

Kaz and Jesper paled at the sound of a sinister laugh on the other end of the line. “I did it for you, so maybe you’ll stop being a stupid slut.”

“Where are we going?” Y/n asked, her voice a mixture of fear and defiance.

“To our place, of course.”

“Maybe I need a reminder. You know, I have so many boyfriends to keep track of,” she said, trying to buy time.

“You know where,” Aleksander responded ominously.

“Alex,-” her voice cut off sharply.

“Are you on the phone with someone? You fucking whore,” Aleksander snarled.

They heard the noise of a commotion, then Y/n’s piercing scream, “It’s at the old lighthouse, Kaz, please help me!”

The phone call ended abruptly, leaving a deafening silence in the car. 

[h4arts]

hi! saw you are open for asks 🦢 i have this idea with kaz and reader, where kaz is like ready for the next step to make more bold touches, but reader still acts super cautious with him. maybe their touchy with others but strain themselves with kaz for his comfort and it makes him sad mad( so he makes the first move and reader is kinda shoked but ofc happy

hope it’s fine 🤍

red lily, kaz brekker -synopsis: after a job across kerch, you question if kaz wants you to stay in ketterdam, and he takes the opportunity he'd been waiting for. -warnings: maybe ooc kaz (i'm, still trying to figure out how to write him best)

Kaz Brekker, dirtyhands, bastard of the barrel, he had a sharp eye for details, for things that could be worth something or could be useful later on. That's how he raised himself to be in the barrel, be above anyone else before they can be above you. It was quite literally kill or be killed, he quickly realized that after Jordie's death.

He knew from there looking forward that he had to seek revenge, if not for himself, for Jordie, to silence his brother's voice ringing in the back of his head. When he rose up the ranks of the Barrel, closer to getting exactly where he needed to be, he had gained a name for himself (or many names) that gave him a new purpose of life. A kind of rebirth from Kaz Rietveld to Kaz Brekker. From the darkness rose a nightmare.

His gloves, really, were his only weakness, the only hint he had outwardly towards the past where he was forged. He'd heard the rumors, even fed into some to keep people's minds grasping for an answer they would never find. It hadn't at first occurred to him really that someone might reach past the gloves, the barriers he had set to keep out the water threatening to reach back in and drown him.

You had come along sometime before Inej by pure chance. You knew of Kaz Brekker, and needed his help. Something small that would hold a price you could repay easily, yet was still worth enough to get him to agree. He hadn't expected you to stick around even after the debt was repaid. He told himself it was because of Inej, who had recently been brought out of the Menagerie. He saw how compatibly you worked with one another on simpler jobs that didn't require a mess. Not a big one at least. He certainly hadn't expected your company to evolve over the next couple years.

Now, he sat at a table below the deck of the ship they were on, going back to Ketterdam from a job across Kerch. He busied himself with refolding maps and blueprints that were no longer needed, but he couldn't help from hearing the laughter coming from right above him on the deck. Your laughter, mixed with Jesper's. He shouldn't have been surprised, it was like you and Jesper shared the same brain when it came to making jokes. But that knowledge didn't seem to matter, because he knew exactly why you were laughing from the thud that echoed right after, cuing Nina and Wylan's laughter as well. You and Jesper were probably a mess of limbs on the deck right now, wrestling over something stupid and impractical like usual as Matthias tried to pry you apart despite his amusement that he tried to hide.

Kaz felt something stir inside him, a feeling he had become familiar with when he saw how tightly Nina would hug you or how easy it felt for Jesper to wrap an arm around your shoulder when walking. It made him wish he could get over whatever he felt against touch when he saw Wylan instinctively reach for your hand whenever something excited either of you, he wished he could take Matthias' place with a comforting hand on your shoulder after a bad job or take Inej's place smoothing bandages over wounds after a fight.

Kaz recalled the first time he had felt your touch without any fabric between his skin and yours. It was and unpleasant trip in his mind, to say the least, but it had to be done. You were the only one around that didn't feel like letting Kaz Brekker die that day. It was a light press of your knuckles as you tied off a stitch, but it was long enough to signal the panic waiting to be released. You had quickly stepped away, not wanting to make it worse, but you hadn't seen it coming, and you didn't know how to stop it.

The second time was close, he had held out his hand for the jewel you had collected on a job, his gloves resting on the desk beside his elbow. You had dropped it in his hand right before you touched him, but he still felt the air of your retracting hand, and the small bit of warmth that had radiated from it in the second it hovered over his own.

Since then, he had allowed you to help him with it. He told you it was only to avoid an encounter where his one weakness might be a compromised vulnerability. He couldn't risk that happening even though no one knew besides his crows. It started small, you would rest your hand on his desk, palm facing up. The rest was at his pace. It was slow process, progress did not come quickly or easily, as the mind is a powerful thing, and trauma's claws are sharp and hurt to pry from the victim.

You gave him the space and time he needed. On a day he could manage linking your pinkies, he wouldn't take his gloves off for another day. On days that weren't so much, he could try again the next day. Progress comes slow for anything, you should know. He did know, not only from experience, but your reminders repeating over and over in his head.

Inej's hand appeared over the map Kaz had been staring at, slowly pulling it towards where she was seated across from him. "You're missing the party up there." She chose not to comment on his blank stare before she had made her presence known.

"You could hardly call that a party. Maybe a group of maddening school children." Kaz picked up the next map unfazed, folding it according to all the previous creases it bent at. Inej allowed a near invisible smirk to pull at the corner of her lips as she folded her own map.

"Maybe you could excuse the heartrender in that group that saved us all from being blown to pieces." This time, Kaz looked up at the girl across from him, expression completely unreadable besides the annoyance clouding in his eyes that only a select few knew where to find. "The sunlight may do you good anyways. Maybe even someone else up there would find extra company pleasant." But Kaz didn't make a move to get up, and Inej didn't push it.

The two sat in silence, save for the loud conversations still coming from above deck. The maps had been folded and stored away until they neared the docks, and Inej watched as Kaz's fingers twitched slightly beneath his gloves. Your voice echoed over the others again, something about the flowers of Ketterdam. A joke, Inej knew. There were no flowers, at least none easy to come by.

But Kaz knew there was another meaning to your joke, he had heard it before during a job, back before even Jesper or Inej were around. He had asked you about it, and your response was simple, it's easy to make jokes of things that will never be.

Kaz couldn't understand why he remembered it, why such a small detail held such a big memory, like it was a secret kept between the two of you. Inej had left, and you had taken her place. Kaz didn't seem moved enough to greet you as you sunk into the chair.

"The flowers of Ketterdam?" You duck your head at his question, instead staring at the rough skin around your nails.

"Yes. I might grow some lilies at the club. Red ones." Kaz shook his head at that.

"There will be no flowers at my club." Kaz reaches for his cane that had been propped on the edge of the table, holding the crows head between his gloved hands.

"Is Nina not a flower then?" You grinned, looking up from your hands.

"Nina is far from a flower."

"That's not what Matthias thinks."

"I don't care what Matthias thinks about her. Though I'm unfortunately reminded of it every time he looks at her."

"What, the way you look at a new stack of kruge?"

"Have you simply come to pester me or do you actually need something?" Your eyes go back to your hands, shrugging your shoulders that were still visibly tense from when you had gotten on the ship when you had first left Ketterdam.

"Just letting you know we'll be back in a few minutes." The room fell into silence then, besides the light tapping of your heel against the wood beneath you as your leg bounced.

"The job went fine, why are you still acting like it's your first one?"

"Maybe because we're constantly putting our lives on the line for more money even though we just steal whatever we want on the daily." Your eyes were still trained on your hands, twisting your rings back and forth around your fingers.

Kaz knew you were right, but he couldn't just stop. That was how he made his income, that was how he got to where he was, and ultimately, it would be how he destroyed Pekka Rollins. He didn't want to risk the lives of his crows, but honestly, they were probably safer where they were now than wandering the wrong side of Ketterdam homeless, stuck under contract with the Menagerie, or thrown in a prison cell awaiting death.

"This can't be how we live the rest of our lives." You finally look up from the glimmering rings adorning your fingers, meeting Kaz's gaze which had also been fixated on your rings.

"It won't. Think of it like a phase in a game, long but never lasts." He stands from the chair across the table from you and instead sits in the one next to you. "You'll all leave this place eventually, and with that, you'll be leaving this life behind."

"What about you?"

"I'll always be here." A frown settles across your face, it sounded horrible that he'd always be stuck in Ketterdam, even though you knew he could go anywhere if he wanted.

"Then I will too." You disliked Ketterdam just as much as your friends above deck, but also like them, like Kaz, a part of it felt like home now. The Slat, the Crow Club, where you'd spent days and nights talking and laughing when jobs weren't lurking around your schedules. You weren't alone like you were when you first arrived in Ketterdam. You'd all found a small, broken family in each other.

"You shouldn't." You couldn't have expected those to be the words that left Kaz's lips. Something else was happening, gears were turning in a multitude of directions in his mind. In fact, you were so focused on that, you had missed how carefully he'd slid off his gloves.

"Do you not want me to stay?" Your voice had dropped to a whisper, scared of the answer. You weren't sure what Kaz wanted exactly, no one ever was. But rather than a verbal response, you were shocked at the sudden feel of a hand taking yours. Looking down was when you noticed Kaz's gloves resting on his knee, the skin of his hand uncovered and touching yours.

He didn't say anything, about holding your hand or a response to your question, but the grip of his hand on yours was reassuring to you, and it answered any possible question you could think to ask in the moment. He did want you to stay with him, but he wanted better for you. Not the dim streets of a city that would kill before it would love.

Kaz had found that he surprised himself with how easy it felt to have your hand in his once he had pushed the waters down and the resurfacing memories back. Carefully, he ran his thumb down your palm, resting at the pulse point of your wrist. You watched him with gentle eyes as he put the slightest amount of pressure there, feeling your pulse beat lightly against his thumb. He left it there for a moment, until it began to feel like too much. You noticed and lightly pulled your hand away before the panic could set in.

"You don't have to stay." He mutters, pulling his worn gloves back on, refusing to meet your light gaze.

"I want to." Your response calls his eyes back to your own, and he saw the feeling you held in them. "I'll use my flower money to buy you some new gloves. Or maybe a hat."

Kaz knew he still had a long road of work ahead of him if he wanted to touch you properly, without gloves or multiple layers of fabric between you. But he knew you were patient with him, and he trusted you would stick to your word of staying.

"We're home children, you owe me waffles!" Nina's voice calls down the stairs, followed by the echo of footsteps moving off the deck. Giving Kaz a small smile, you stand from your chair and head towards the stairs that would lead above deck.

"I'll wait for you up there."

───☆───

The next morning, you woke up a bit later than normal. Though you'd had a reason too, the boat ride was not the most relaxing thing after the job you'd all performed the previous two days. Stretching out your arms, something brightly colored caught your eye from the night stand beside your pillow. With a smile, you reach for the object resting neatly in the center. The floral scent pleasantly stung your senses as you observed the bouquet of red lilies that had been placed on your nightstand, along with a note that instructed your presence at seven bells at the corner restaurant the crows had been meeting at for dinner lately.

[lunarthecorvus]

Post Crooked Kingdom Canon Compliant fanfiction recommendations part of Lunar's soc fanficiton rec series

-------------------------------✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧----------------------------------

Vol. 1: Council of Thieves by lizaudreys

Wordcount: 122,891 Chapters: 45/45 (part of a series and is continued afterwards)

Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Wylan Van Eck, Nina Zenik, Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Tags: BAMF Inej Ghafa, Fluff and Angst, Jesper Fahey Has ADHD, Kaz Brekker Needs a Hug, Crime Children, Five Years Later, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn

Author's summary/notes: Five years after the Auction, the Crows have gone their separate ways. That is, until the Council of Tides demands that Kaz Brekker help rescue one of their newest initiates. Grisha all over are being targeted by ships disguised as slavers, rumors of a new form of jurda parem are spreading, and the fate of it all is yet again dependent on an unlikely gang of criminals. My summary/notes: Some fascinating council of tides lore, and the side/original characters in this fic are so interesting. Be prepared this fic has some wesper angst and some definite kanej angst, but there are some adorable moments. Goes into the crows friendships, especially Jesper + Inej and Kaz and Wylan (it does go into more dynamics). To finish it I will say there is a sort of ⊹hiest⊹.

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and you asked me to dance, but I said "dancing is a dangerous game" by sarathedreamer

Wordcount: 28,439 Chapters: 5/5

Characters: Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, Jesper Fahey, Prince Ilya

Tags: Fluff and Angst, Fluff without Plot, Healing, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Post-Book 2: Rule of Wolves, Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant ish

Author's summary/notes: “My darling Inej," he started in a very proper intonation, "treasure of my heart, feared Wraith of the Barrel, Scourge of the Seas, Bringer of Justice and Slayer of Men… would you like to dance with me?" Inej, Kaz, Wylan and Jesper get a very important invitation to the betrothal celebration of a certain Nina Zenik... angst, fluff, and yes, dancing, ensues between the King of the Barrel and the Queen of the Seas. This is part two of my kanej x cowboy like me series! I would highly recommend reading part one first before you dive into this :) Spoilers for RoW and obviously the Soc duology. Most of this is canon compliant because I love to play by the rules (except that we forget about the last two pages of Rule of Wolves for the sake of fluff and angst only... hehe) My summary/notes: Part of the kanej x cowboy like me series, which is such a good series, if you want kanej fluff then that is the series for you. This fic is Inej and Kaz being head over heels with each other for 5 chapters straight, featuring some wesper and Nina. May I intrigue you into this reading this fic by saying it has Kanej flirting and Captain Ghafa. Also THEY DANCE.

---------- ☾₊ ⊹

Dealing With Our Demons by @ravenyenn19

Wordcount: 807,697 Chapters: 174/? (updates generally every few months)

Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Nina Zenik, Wylan Van Eck, (as well as many other original characters and six of crows side characters)

Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, POV Kaz Brekker, BAMF Inej Ghafa, Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Eventual Smut

Author's summary/notes: Inej's first letter back to Kaz after she leaves on her journey to hunt slavers, reunion ensues! Will they continue to learn how to battle their demons in order to get close to one another? My summary/notes: A classic Kanej fic, almost every Kanej fanfic reader knows this fic, the writing is impeccable. This fic made me fall in love with both Anika and Pim and then Pimika. To me this fic is canon. Now for a summary, this fic take you on a journey of healing and growing with both Kaz and Inej. You will come out of this fic a changed person.

[aysegust]

I WILL RESCUE YOU. - K.B

A/N: Okay, this comes of very late I know but I need to make somethings clear. If you know that English is not my main language, so I didn't write a second part for this fiction because of that and now I felt ready for this and I hope you'll like this. I'm in my exam week and I will take an exam for college end of the year so, I can't be active a lot, however, I want to write again so... I will write ofc! -So this is the second and last part for I WISH I WERE- Warnings: Angst, fluff ending. I don't own you or anything and this lovely song is from Lauren Daigle - Rescue :) Word count: 4K! :)

After that incident, you were hiding behind the shadows. As to be not seen or not to be heard. What happened with eavesdropping on Kaz and only to be caught up to Jesper and with that left him dumbfounded was making you sick. You wanted to talk to them, you wanted to laugh with them, or just sit and plan a heist with them.

 However, your desires were left to burn inside you. Of course, you felt pain a hundred times but this was the most painful of them all… You wished, you deeply wished to come back to the day that you injured yourself. You wouldn't make that mistake again so you wouldn't get hurt like this. Because this was so painful…

"Thank you for the sweater." Inej's voice rang inside your head. You replayed that scene like thousand times and the aftermath…

 You were sitting in the Crow Club, watching men gamble and quietly drinking your tea, too caught up in the thoughts but a voice interrupted you. “Care to explain why you're so distant, Y/N?” It was Inej, your beloved friend. You loved Inej, truly. She was so sweet towards you. She loved you and you loved her too. So, you just couldn't blame her for this whole situation. You looked at her, so sleepy. 

“Well, a lot is going on so, I had things to arrange-" She cut you so softly yet so sharp. “Don't lie to me, I'm your friend.” She took a deep breath and looked at you with worried glances. “Y/N, I'm worried about you. We all are.” That sentence made you smirk a bit. Because you wanted to laugh about the idea that Kaz cared about you and worried for you… 

“Seriously Inej, don't you have better things to do?” You felt your stomach twisted to see your dear friend's sadder glances. She sighed. “I'm not gonna push you, but know this, If you ever need to talk I'm with you.” You squeezed her hand. “Thank you, Inej. That means a lot to me.” You said as she left you alone. To yourself.

"I wish I were Inej." That poisoned thought came to your mind again as you felt unease so you got up and about to leave for fresh air, someone shouted your name. Saints! Can't you just leave me be… You thought to yourself as you turned around and found Jesper staring at you with grinned teeth. 

“There you are! I missed the bloody face of yours, angel!” You couldn't help yourself but smile at him. “You don't have to shout at me, you know.” He came to your side to hold you. “Can't help it, you were ghosting me, and even I was the innocent one!” You smirked. “Can you believe it?” He went on with his ramble again, only you shushed him as you hugged him. Deep down, you felt a bit guilty. You never wanted to ghost them. All of them, nevertheless you did. You had to, you needed to pull yourself together.

Suddenly, you felt crept about the idea, someone was watching you.

You are not hidden

There's never been a moment

You were forgotten

 When you looked up and saw his face through Jesper's shoulder, you quirked up. “What's wrong?” Jesper whispered into your ear. “Nothing, I felt cold.” You broke the hug as you avoided Kaz's glances towards you. “It was good to see you, too, Fahey.”

 You had remembered the night as you left the Slat to Ketterdam's cold streets, as Jesper behind you, yelling for you to stop running away. As you confronted him about what you heard, you remembered he held you against his arms, as an amazing brother as himself. You wouldn't forget that.

 As the time passed to the night and you heard from Jesper that Kaz wanted to see you, you were so sure that he now wanted you to leave the club as you were the weakling. You stepped firmly into his office. Couldn't be able to forget the incident so you just shushed your emotions to taking the better of you. “You wanted to see me?” You told him with a little hint of concern in your voice, however, you masked it. 

 “You said you were taking a break to arrange something about your private life. So, I didn't interrupt you.” He paused for a second and looked at you. Like he was eyeing you with those sharp eyes of his. You knew he totally understood. You felt a bit unsettled so you lowered your gaze to somewhere else as you waited for him to speak again.

 He saw it. He saw you, as you lowered your gaze. How could he ever be blind as you were in front of him? With all of your vulnerability, he knew you were so strong, yet so smart. He blamed himself for not coming after you as you tried to find him on that mission day and after that, he blamed himself for not making some things clear with you that day.

You are not hopeless

Though you have been broken

Your innocence stolen

“You know Y/N, crows care for their pack. If someone in the pack got hurt, or taken, crows will be there for them and never leave their side.” You got a bit confused at first, cause he made you feel a lot of things. “I know you got hurt by something and also Inej and Jesper know it too.” He paused. He was never this direct before. “I get this, you needed some privacy to get over it. But-“ You cut his word in half as an unsettled feeling crept upon you.

“Kaz, why are you saying this to me?” You got a bit frustrated about this whole speech. “I'm saying this, It's because the team needs you to come back.” The team, of course. You looked at him with nothing, as you felt nothing at that moment. You were kinda in a denial at first but now you were accepting the hard truth that he will never love you like that. 

 He can sense your frustration, and when he looked into your eyes, he saw the pain. He meant something more, but, at that moment he understood so deeply that you were in some denial. You were missing some part and he needed to figure out what happened there… About what really happened to you… “Yeah, I don't need any break anymore.”

—

 It was one of these days that Kaz gathered all of you in his office and explained something about the new mission. It is extremely dangerous work but he knew his crows can pull this out. So, he explained the plan and Jesper interrupted with a show-off. “You know, boss, this beauty,” He shoved his face, “can do anything perfectly.” You and Inej smiled at him as you guys shared a glance. You guys were on better terms. Inej was always good but you make it better with her. To ease the misunderstandings. “Whatever you say, Jesper!” Inej said while you gathered your things. 

 Night came and y’all had your positions. Inej was on the roofs to watch out for guards. As Jesper hid outside near the garden to check out for some clearance, You and Kaz were alone. Waiting for a signal to enter the luxury place. When you heard a tiny frequency from Inej it was the sign to enter the place. 

 You were behind the Kaz as both of you entered. You were cautious as something can happen in a minute so you controlled areas. “Check the first door, I will head south.” He gave you an order. When you went quietly and quickly to the first door; you saw that it was unbelievably silent. You looked at the tables, there were papers everywhere as you checked and read some of them. 

 While you were reading and Inej was on the roof, she heard a noise. As she looked behind her, she saw a figure searching for her. She quietly changed her place for a better view, she understood then… They were trapped. Someone baited them or heard. 

 Jesper cleared the area, it was easy for him. He even got bored waiting for them to finish. Honestly, he didn’t understand what was going on between Kaz and Y/N. He thought their love was requited as he and Inej bloody saw his gazes towards Y/N. He was too caught up thinking this however, he was careful in the mission. So, he heard some cracking. When he looked behind the building's garden, he saw some explosion articles. “Oh, Saints!” He sweated and as he turned to the side, Inej also heard an explosion in the garden. 

“Hello, Wraith.” Inej heard a man's voice. As she was hiding behind something as she wanted to assassinate that man. She got exposed when she left her hiding spot. “And who are you?” She asked as he could her firm voice. “Your killer.” As he said it, she smirked. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” She threw a knife at him but he was quick, he dodged it. 

“You and your bastard boss will never know what will happen to them!” He said with such rage. She didn’t answer. Whereas she dodged one of his counters. She was quicker than him, but his grip was powerful. He sure looked like a vulture mixed with something. He took one of Inej’s knives and pushed her to the ground. “Is that all you got, Wraith?” He smirked. That smirk disgusted Inej. 

  Jesper was laying on the ground, trying to pull himself together because of the explosion. Then he heard steps towards him. After he looked up and quickly rolled to the side, he saw a Grisha. What the hell is a Grisha doing in Ketterdam? He thought. When he seized the Grisha’s kefta he saw that it was a Durast, indeed. 

“Let's begin, shall we?” He quietly said so cautious not to be heard. He moved silently to the side and he shot fire at the Grisha. Unfortunately, Grisha was quicker too. So she bent over and smiled. “You think that would kill me?” She smirked. “Well, let’s see what will happen, don’t we?” He mocked her voice. That pissed her, so she ran to the side and she pulled some knives at him. Whilst she was throwing the knives, Jesper shot them all and they went directly to the wall. 

 She then pulled something inside her pocket and she threw it at him, it was intoxicating. “What the hell is that?” He coughed but he didn’t stop his movements as he ran to the side, she didn’t answer his question. 

 He had to kill the Grisha. So, he moved out from where he was and he shot three shots. Grisha laughed at that. “Is that all you got, you a dwarf?” Jesper’s bitterness could be read by his face as he heard the nickname that she gave. It was disrespectful. Other than trying to kill him, of course. 

 So he shot another shot at her Kefta and she suddenly felt weak. “How?” when she took the bullet and was about to hit him with that bullet, Jesper went out and shot her in the head. “You are not the only Durast.” He silently spoke as she fell to the ground. 

 While Inej was under his grip, she was looking at the sides of the roof, as she tried to find a way to loosen his grip so she could get away from him. She saw a ceiling fan with which she struggled under him. “Hush, love, I’m almost done.” He was squeezing hard on Inej’s neck. As she moved her leg to hit his foot, she took out a little knife. 

 While his grip on her loosened a bit, she stung her knife into his leg. He hissed and he moved a bit back so she got away from his grip and suddenly she felt the air in her lungs again. Of course, Inej felt dizzy because of the cut of air, and the air coming back was hurting her throat and by the dizziness, she needed her strength. 

 However, that vulture-looking man was about to run to her side. But Inej was always quicker. So she moved her body to the left and she threw a knife at his eye. He screamed with such pain when she ran to him to break his neck. 

 When she came to his side to break his neck, he held her body and cursed something at her. He took her leg and when he tried to attack her with her knife, she pulled the knife out of his eye. So, he backed out and fell to the ground. 

 Inej made the final move and she cut his throat. “May Saints, will be with you and try to help you on your sickening journey in another world.” Then, she leaned against the wall and rubbed her throat to ease the pain.  

 You heard some explosions on the garden side as you were close to the window, you looked down and saw some light. You got utterly worried about what was that explosion. 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

 You needed to find him. To find him and protect him from any harm that he could ever see right now. Of course, that dirtyhands could protect himself from any harm or even protect you from anything, however, you were so deeply in love with him so, that made you worry so much. 

 As you ran in the dark corridors of the big mansion, you felt panic rising in your throat, you licked your dry lips when you heard some muffling steps sounds from the south corridors. 

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It's true, I will rescue you

 When you rushed to the side of a colon, you lowered your body and try to fit in hiding at the spot. As you heard some hisses from guys, you took a knife from your pocket, whilst you quickened your pace to catch the guardians off guard, you saw Kaz being held by outnumbered men. You saw his worried glances towards you. 

There is no distance

That cannot be covered

Over and over

 You felt anger so deep at that moment. As you saw him being captive by guards, you threw your knife at the guard who held Kaz tightly. The knife hit his eye, and as his body fell, Kaz pulled away from him. He quickly found his cane when you took your gun from your holster to shoot that guy who ran towards you to beat you. 

 He got up after you killed the other guy, and when you saw the third guy that was about the attack you with his blade, Kaz hit him with his cane. The cane got bloody by second after he then pulled the cane and beat him with that cane all over. 

 You were afraid when you saw him like that. Blood splashed all over his face, as his features got sharpened and he was so focused to beat that man. You saw how messy his hair got after he was held captive by that man you killed, you were so afraid that you thought you lost him. 

"Kaz! It's enough!" You rushed to his side to stop him. When your slight brush to his arm, he startled. You immediately pulled yourself back. "It's enough." You repeated with a whisper. He looked at your face as to begin to say something, he quickly looked behind you as he saw footsteps coming towards both of you. "Come behind me!" He yelled at you. 

You're not defenseless

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your armor

 You went behind him as you gave him your gun. You quickly took two knives from your pockets that Inej gave you after your first mission with them. You held them tight, when more men entered the room you threw the knives at their heads as Kaz shot one of them after your attack. Three men fell on the ground when you rushed to exit the door, you were running in the corridors, trying to find a way to escape. You saw Kaz had stolen what he wanted at the beginning. 

I hear you whisper underneath your breath

I hear your SOS, your SOS

"There!" He leads the way for you. When you both come down the stairs, you saw two more men coming your way. "Go upstairs and jump from a window, I'll handle this." You looked at him in disbelief. "I won't leave you!" You yelled and you jumped at one of the armed men's faces as you cut his neck with your blade. You saw one of them coming at you but Kaz shot them in the head. 

 You two fight with more men, however, the injuries you got from fighting those men, one of them cut a big scar on your belly. You didn't mind it at first because of the adrenaline, you and Kaz cleared the area downstairs, and as you ran away to the exit you finally saw Jesper. "Jesper, quickly!" You yelled at him as you held your belly. 

"We got trapped, Kaz!" Jesper squirmed. Anxious glances towards him as you saw Inej is already coming your way. "We dealt with this later. Now we need to leave right now!" Kaz raised his voice as he looked at his sides to find their carriage. When he couldn't find it, he looked at all of you. "We'll split up. Inej, I want you to go on the roofs if we are being watched." He then turned his gaze to Jesper. "You will go with Y/N." Inej looked at him. "You will go alone?" She sounded unsure. "Yes." He replied with a simple word. 

 You couldn't intervene in his sentence as Jesper pulled your arm to push you aside with him. All of you were escaping from this broken mansion, you heard sirens. No one saw you on the outside as you and Jesper entered the Slat first with the help of the darkest alleys of the mighty Ketterdam. 

"Agh-" Your face got soured. No one saw the cut on your belly as y'all tried to escape from that bloody place, Jesper stopped his movements. "Seriously? You got injured!" He copied your gestures as he felt bad on the inside. "There were a lot of men in there, come on!" You hissed at the pain you felt. 

"Let me help you." A voice behind you gently said. As you turned your head to him, you felt a bit uneasy. "And how might you could help me?" You feared that he would be sickened about touching your body. But deep down you knew, he wanted to help you. But something was pulling him back. His greatest demons were pulling him back so tightly that he couldn't touch that person that he trust most. "Come with me." He leads you to his bathroom. It was a crooked place but it felt so safe for you. Him. 

You felt so safe with him. 

In the middle of the hardest fight

It's true, I will rescue you

 When he pulled a fresh bandage for your wounds, you watched him silently. You prayed the sky above so that you won't make something idiotic to ruin the moment. He hesitated at first. As to pick up your blouse to see a better view of the wound, you saw his sweaty forehead. "Kaz. I can do it by myself." You saw him struggling. He looked into your eyes. 

 He sighed and he backed away from you. It was enough for you. The thought of him being want to help you was enough for you. So you looked at the mirror and pulled up your shirt to take a better view, you silently hissed. When you looked at him through the mirror, you saw his bruised face. 

 You cleaned the area before you took the stitches to cover the open wound. You struggled a bit at first, but you were strong, you felt the adrenaline running through your veins. After you cleaned and stitched yourself, you held a wet, clean cloth and handed the cloth to him. "Here, for the dried blood."

 He accept it as he gently wiped his face with the wet cloth. "You saved my life." He didn't meet your gaze after the words fell on his lips. You watched him through the entire speech. "You saved my life so many times." You sweetly said. 

"It's even then." He spoke again only to meet with your gaze now. "Y/N... I want to be clear with you." He put the cloth away and came a bit closer to you. "What you heard, that day with Inej, you didn't hear the whole conversation." You felt a bit shame as you remembered eavesdropping on their conversations. When you tried to interrupt, he shushed you. "I am not going to deny that I gave Inej something from me, but the beginning of the conversation was to ask her about an opinion." You got confused at first. He went on with his explanation. 

"I was asking Inej... that...that- I wanted to give you," He paused. "I asked her about something. Something... for you." Your cheeks reddened as you heard his whisper. "Why?" You lowered your voice to meet his low voice. 

 He looked at you. You could see, he was very nervous. He was trying to find the right words to describe what he was about to say. You waited in silence. You were anxious too. So you waited for him, patiently because despite being anxious, you needed to hear him. 

 You were so lost in your own thoughts but then he spoke. "You are important, to me." He loosened his shoulders, it was tense. Due to the moment. You met his dark eyes as he spoke these five words. "I wanted to give you-" He paused then he pulled something from his pocket. You saw the packet, it was small and wrinkled. 

 He gave you the tiny packet as you looked at him, still confused but he could see the hope through your eyes. You were curious but the fear of rejection inside you was overwhelming. You took a deep breath as you opened the packet, it revealed a tiny necklace with a special silver crow head. You looked at him instantly as you saw the necklace. You hold the necklace up, how could you misunderstand everything? 

"Inej was helping me to find the right necklace." He didn't meet your eyes. Suddenly you felt guilt wash over you. "But- You were glancing at Inej." You hesitated, then your voice reached out as a whisper. "I saw it." He glanced at you softly. "I don't look at Inej, the way I look at you..."

 Your head was spinning so fast, you had to hold his table edge. When you looked at him again, you saw his worried glances at you. "Are you alright?" He asked you as you shook your head to say yes. "I was just confused. I thought you had feelings," You paused. "feelings for Inej." 

 "No, Y/N." He said calmly. "The thing about surviving in the Barrel is not to care or love anything." He sighed. "But I'm willing to take that risk If it's meaning that I could see your bright eyes every day." 

 You looked at him in pure shock. But you totally felt every word he meant. He truly meant it and you loved him so madly, so much. It felt a big relief to you, to feel your love is requited. You swore that day, that you will be there for him. 

 As for something you didn't know is that he swore this, was the day that he first helped you to get away from the Stadwatch.  

[luna-writes-stuff]

What types the Crows would fall for:

Includes Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Wylan van Eck, Nina Zenik, and Matthias Helvar.

————————————————————————

Kaz Brekker:

This man relies on every realistic aspect. Whenever planning something, or even thinking about something, he runs through everything that could go wrong and analyses it properly. He needs someone with a mind that completely contradicts it. Someone who could think of creative solutions he usually wouldn’t come up with. And not only the mental aspect of creative. If you engage in something such as painting or embroidery, he’d love that too. His mind is complicated, and completely logistic and analytical. He doesn’t leave much room for imagination or creativity. He relies on you to do that for him. And when you can, it’ll grow on his list of things to adore you for. Your ideas are the most captivating for them; he’s always admired a good mind. But that doesn’t mean other outings of creativity go unwanted by him. He will proudly display your items throughout his office, leaving portraits for heists hanging in the halls.

——

Inej Ghafa:

Inej is very hesitant because of obvious reasons. She has been through some stuff and it still messes with her. She’d 100% love someone who just soothes her when necessary, but in a somewhat distant manner. Words of affirmation or tiny services are good enough for her. She’d fall for the type who is able to see the good in everything. To turn even the glummest of points into something somewhat positive. When she has that dip in her mood, she tends to see the worst in everything and make it add to her already terrible state. If you would point out all the things that she can learn from this, or all the things that are not necessarily evil, she’d be comforted so much. Even by the mere thought of it. Gently reassure her that you’re there, even after everything she has been through. She can run to you, she can find refuge with you. She adores the way your voice switches tone when she’s down, or how you’ll approach others on a daily basis. Everything about you is so calming, not just to her. She takes great pride in that.

——

Jesper Fahey:

Outwit him, please. When he flirts, flirt back. Play that uno reverse card. It only takes one sarcastic or charismatic remark to make him fall. “You come here often?” “No, but seeing you here, I think I should.” BOOM, GONE. Just like that. Now, he’ll constantly follow you around, placing compliments here and there, flirting with you continuously. He’ll buy your drinks, he’ll hold your chair, he’ll take your coat. This man becomes a puppy, but with attitude. And once you actually get together, he will not stop. But now he’ll include kisses on top of your head, hands around your waist, hugs from behind, hands buried in your pockets, hands running through your hair, hands everywhere. He needs to be touching you constantly. If you grow uncomfortable under this, he’ll try to keep his hands to himself, but he cannot help the occasional touch on your shoulder. A simple remainder he is still there. He respects it, he truly does, but he cannot always help himself. You’re just so gorgeous and witty and breathtaking and you picked him???? He wants to show that shit off, okay?

——

Wylan van Eck:

As Kaz, Wylan has always loved creative people. Mentally or practically. Most adoration would go towards sculptors, I’d like to believe. Whether you create tiny statues out of clay or huge cut out marble. He doesn’t care. Hell, you could make a birdhouse from wood and he’d like it. Though your looks and kindness would initially captivate him, his admiration grows as he discovers your hobbies. And from that, he decided to do a lot of actual research! Need some inspiration? He’s your guy. He makes it his entire duty to give you a good idea. I’m talking, nose deep into books to note something. He himself loves to tell stories, and it gives you a lot of ideas through this. The funniest part is that he doesn’t even know it. When he tries to look for something, you usually dismiss it (kindly), but when he’s ranting about something or comes up with a funny story, the ideas start flowing. Late nights are always spent on the bed, hand entangled as he talks and you listen, occasional kisses places on top of your head.

——

Nina Zenik:

Nina is smitten with badasses. I mean the people who practise sports such as Kung-Fu, Judo, Krav Maga, boxing etc. etc. Not only is it incredibly hot to her, because who wouldn’t think it’s hot, but she loves the movement of your figure throughout the practises. It looks so flawless and graceful. There is so much commitment and dedication in your eyes, she thinks it is absolutely stunning. And you, quite literally, kick ass. It’s a turn on for her, okay? Anyone who can beat her in physical combat. If you have some good strong arm and/or leg muscles to go with that, she falls even deeper. Because, you’re kidding. Not only are you the most awesome person she has ever met, but there are muSCLES???? You actually met through a argument gone wrong at the Crow Club. Someone got too close to a friend of yours and you full on body slammed them into the table. She was nearby when it happened, and she thought that person was going for her. In her eyes, you saved her. You haven’t corrected her on it. She’d wrap her arms around one of yours when walking constantly. Not because it makes her feel safer - even though it does -, but because you’re so damn huggable, she cannot get enough of it.

——

Matthias Helvar:

We have seen him around Nina; he needs some joy in his life. Someone who makes him laugh. And that’s a whole task. Initially, you had stumble into something and you ended up falling like an idiot, but Matthias thought it was absolutely hilarious. And since that laugh, you had begun to make it a task to hear that more often. Yes, he had a nice laugh, but also, his usual stoic self seems to fade away so flawlessly. It’s a whole other side for him, which you seem to appreciate very much. And for him; who doesn’t love laughing? Being so gleeful you have to audibly out it? That is why he fell for you. He felt so happy and relieved around your mere presence. He knew he was safe with you and vice versa. You bring out the best in him, as cheesy as it may sound. And now, he will protect you with his life. He has this habit of stepping near you every time someone nears. Subtly, at first, but eventually he’d end up blocking your view entirely. That’s his sunshine. No one touches it with evil intent.

[usmsgutterson]

Stay- K.B x male! reader

Okay. This fic is one of three of it’s kind that’s coming out this month. This one comes out today, the next one (for Jesper) comes out on the 16th, the third (for Nikolai) comes out on the 30th. 

I’ve always wanted to write something that feels authentic and in line with my experiences as a queer person in aspects of things like heartbreak, yearning, and some of the lighter parts, too, and I chose to do that in the form of these fics. I poured my heart and soul out a little bit so I hope this touches some hearts, too. This is also, by far, my favorite piece of queer fanfic that I’ve ever written. It’s also very long and so that you know what you’re getting into, I’ve added a word count to this fic for convenience. 

Also, yes, there are multiple different gifs with this one but they all have their significances within this fic lol

Fic type- this jumps all over the place but the main genres in it are hurt/comfort and heavy angst

Warnings- mentions of death, mentions of and depictions of gunshot wounds/being shot, mention and depiction of yearning and heartbreak, mention of blood and mentions of physical violence

Word count- 11.6k

You had been in love with Kaz Brekker for what felt like forever, but in reality, had been two thousand days. Five and a half years, give or take. Sixty-five months. You had realized you were in love with him when you were fifteen years old, and in the time since, you'd had a sixteenth, a seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and a twentieth birthday.

You did not know how else to state it. You loved him with the surety of a stream rippling and moving over water covered stones, ones that were always a light-ish brown but looked nearly identical to the color of his hair because they never did have the chance to dry unless someone took them out of the water.

You loved him and were as sure in that as you were in the fact that you loved to watch the sunrise from the rooftops with Inej when she was visiting, as sure as you were in the fact that you would never grow tired of Jespers jokes or the songs Wylan could play on the flute.

Some days, the fact that you were deeply in love with Kaz Brekker and had been for nearly the entirety of the six years you had known him was the only thing you could be sure of.

Because you loved Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel who was never seen anywhere without his gloves, you yearned. Yearning naturally came with loving him as it did loving anyone else, and it was intense because you had not told him how you felt. You weren't entirely sure that you ever would.

Yearning was odd. Sometimes, it was the phantom feeling of a kiss against a forehead, the overwhelming idea of how nice it would be if you could rest your head against his shoulder or simply wanting to hold his hand. It was mildly pleasant in those times, though still quite the inconvenience, you could admit.

Other times, however, it felt like a punch to the gut. It was the pain of wanting a forehead kiss. It was the pain of wanting to be hugged and a gut punch, a bullet wound, when you really wanted to know what it would've been like to be in a relationship with the one person in the Barrel who had everyone in his pocket, the one person who had become untouchable alongside you after the success of the Ice Court and all of the big heists since.

Sometimes, yearning was like waking up on the perfect morning. It was waking up on your favorite day of the week, finding that the weather outside was just perfect, making your drink of choice just right and finally having the motivation to read the book you'd been setting aside for weeks in the favor of other tasks in need of doing.

Other times, it was like being stabbed. It was an ache; a bone deep, heartsick ache. It was waking up and wanting for the one thing you could not have. It was going down to the bottom floor of the Slat, grabbing a brandy and hoping that it did the trick and got you back to normal, only to remember that alcohol did not always work that way and objecting to take the whole bottle instead. Yearning was drinking brandy from the bottle as you read a book you hated but could not give up and yearning was hoping that drinking yourself to sleepiness would have you back to normal the next morning.

Of course, the bottle of brandy never worked. It made you tired after a bit, sure, but it also left you feeling hungover and sluggish the next morning. It had Nina laughing as she commended you for surviving a rough night as Jesper wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you lightly into the booth, nodding his understanding because he was your friend and he loved you, and he'd fancied Kaz once, too, so of course he understood.

"It sticks with you," Jesper said as the two of you headed into the Slat from Fifth Harbor. You'd been grabbing breakfast and Kaz had wanted you in his offices for a meeting by nine bells. "The yearning, I mean. I've been with Wylan three years now, and damn it, it really never goes away."

"I can't let that be the case with me," you said. "I can't. I can barely survive this as it is, Jesper. If the yearning keeps going the longer I stay in love with him, I don't know what I'll do."

"There are a couple of gay bars in the city," Jesper suggested. "I can't imagine that they'll quite fulfill the needs you have but they'll be good for moving on if you flirt with the right people."

"The right people for me are the emotionally unavailable ones," you said. "I honestly don't have much of a preference, but if they've got light blue sea glass eyes, a cutting jaw and brown hair that looks glorious when it's been a few months since it was last trimmed and has had a bit of a chance to grow out, that all would be quite the convincing added bonus."

"You lovesick fool," Jesper said with a laugh as you proceeded into Kaz's office.

"Who's in on the job?" Were the first words out of your mouth, eyes scanning the area. You noticed a map of Ravka on his desk, a map of Fjerda right beside it, a cup half full of coffee placed bare milimetres away from the spot where Kaz had chosen to sit his cane while he worked. "I'm assuming Inej, if she gets in from her voyage in time, and especially if you need a spider. Raske is good on house calls and Ketterdam based Dregs business but he would never be suited to something overseas."

Kaz blinked. "How do you know it's a job across the pond?"

"The map of Ravka on your desk helps me to determine that much, though the map of Fjerda right next to it provides more of a clue," you said. "Let me guess, jewelry? Jewelry was stolen by Fjerdans who managed to infiltrate the Little Palace and steal as much as they could grab?"

"Druskelle, specifically," Kaz said with a nod. "At the orders of their new commander. The aim was to make Grisha afraid, and so they did so by breaking into the one place where Grisha felt safe and stealing something valuable.

“They aim to strike fear into the hearts of all Ravkans,” you said with a nod. “The royals are just the start, as their new commander has said to the news. I’ve kept up with the news as their managing to steal Ravkan jewels is of interest to me--I haven’t the slightest idea how they’d managed it--though it seems that the royals are angry with it. Sources say that Zoya feels like she’s been duped.” 

"They are quite angry indeed," Kaz said. "Angry enough that they hired us. It'll be us three, Wylan, and Inej. Nina, too, but she's been working for the Ravkans since Matthias died so she'll meet us there.”

"What's the payoff?"

"Six hundred thousand kruge split six ways."

"One hundred thousand for a break in? Seems a bit generous from the Ravkans, doesn’t it?”

“It’s money borrowed from the merchant council. They’re paying us, essentially.”

"It’s boat and life forever spent at sea money," Jesper said pointedly, referencing a conversation you two had had over breakfast. 

You’d been watching Kaz's expression, saw surprise flit across his face for a split second before he schooled his expression back to neutrality.

"You've thought about leaving?" He asked. "What, do you just need an excuse to go?"

"I prefer to call it a reason," you answered with a shrug. "And no. Leaving Ketterdam is not something that I have thought about in depth, I only started thinking of it last night. Figured I could buy a boat ticket and head off somewhere new. I could use a refresh in the scenery, learn to walk a new city until I've memorized every path and shortcut. I need something different, Kaz. I've needed something different since we were seventeen, since I watched Nina climb into a sickboat and lay beside her dead beloved."

You looked to Jesper as he slipped a supportive hand into yours, Kaz's gaze hardening as he turned your words over in his mind.

"Reason and excuse. What's the difference?"

"Reason: you have decided I am unfit to remain on the Dregs, or you have decided that you hate me, or perhaps you love me and it is something you cannot face, so we come up with a solution together. The solution being my departure," you hummed. It was too easy to joke about Kaz being in love with you when you were in fact the one in love with him, but whenever you did, it made your chest ache. You wished he'd felt the same as you did. "Excuse: I find myself with enough money to afford a cheap boat ticket and quite the large townhouse in a port city off the coast of Ravka or Novyi Zem, even the Wandering Isle or Shu Han. It is with the knowledge of the money in my account that I make the decision to buy a boat ticket, pack up what little of my belongings exist in my room at the Slat, and go."

"Ah," Jesper hummed. "Well, if you do leave, promise to visit?"

"Summer and Christmas," you said, pairing it with a smile like that would've made it any easier to think of leaving. Just because it was something you’d begun to debate did not make it any easier to fathom. 

"Well, we're in for a week and a half of travel on boat," Kaz said. "To Ravka. We're meeting with the royals for two days to discuss how exactly we plan to pull it off."

"Where are we rescuing the jewels from?"

"The Fjerdan royal palace."

“I normally quite like a good gamble or two,” Jesper said. “Rather unfortunately for you, Mr. Brekker, I’m not seventeen anymore, and the knowledge that the odds are nearly guaranteed to be stacked against me does not sound exciting.” 

“Well, even as such, a sharpshooting Fabrikator is needed on this job and you are the best suited for it. You can still say no, Jesper, but you’ll be missing out one hundred thousand kruge if you do.” 

“Wylan will probably agree to come along. At least, if you’re putting yourself up against death, you and Wylan will probably die together,” you offered with an uneasy smile, giving Jespers hand a squeeze.

“Hand in hand, provided you get lucky,” Kaz added.

Jesper sighed. “I’ll talk it over with him, and you’ll have an answer by nightfall.”

“You’re in, correct?” Kaz asked, looking to you. 

You nodded. “I’ve still got more than half of the money from the Ice Court heist left. May as well add to those funds a bit before I take them with me when I leave.” You still didn’t know if you wanted to go, but it was better to talk like you’d made up your mind as it were. You didn’t like uncertainty, had no particular fondness for variables. 

Kaz nodded. 

Jesper let go of your hand and left, the door closing soundlessly behind him. 

“What of it, then, Kaz?” You asked. You did not mean to stay behind, not really, but you did. Kaz had more to disclose with you, as always, though it was something that went unsaid. 

You were the one person in the world that Kaz would--albeit a little begrudgingly and only when he was nearly black out drunk--admit he cared about, and as such, you always got more to it than Nina did, than Jesper or Wylan or Inej or even Matthias had while he was alive. 

But, you could not let that, nor how you felt about him, get in the way of your goal. You wanted to know as much of it as you possibly could before you fully committed before breaking into a palace that was located in the Ice Court, which, if your memory served, was a place with more security than any reasonable facility would’ve employed, even a place with a prison sector. 

The knowledge you’d long learned pricked in your chest, the thought that accompanied it bubbling up in your mind as you met Kaz’s gaze, saw the blue of his eyes reflected in the rare Ketterdam sun as it filtered into the room through the office window. 

Loving Kaz Brekker is lethal. Don’t get caught up in it.

“What of what, Y/N?”

“What of the plan?” 

“Why should I tell you what my plan entails when you plan to go once all is said and done?” 

“Reason versus excuse.”

“Reason: You are a valued member of my crew and to insinuate that I would ever want you gone for any reason, be it your feelings, my own, or the simple fact that I might deem you unsuited for my crew, is very insulting,” Kaz looked at you. Your heart quickened. “Excuse: I do not need to elaborate. I do not want to.” 

You shrugged. “Even if you don’t want to discuss it, I need to know just how likely it is that I will make it out of the heist alive, or I will walk away and I will encourage Jesper and Wylan to do the same. Royals be damned, I am done putting my life in serious risk overseas. I did it once three years ago, and once is starting to seem like more than enough.” 

“It’s not likely.”

“My survival or my death?” 

“Nobody is likely to survive, Y/N,” he said. “But that’s why we do it, because we know nobody will care about Barrel trash.”

“Nina and Inej are not Barrel trash,” you spat. “Wylan and Jesper are not Barrel trash. Just because the only people who care about you, me, Wylan, Jesper, Inej, or Nina are those who’s names I have just listed, does not make us nothing. It does not make us worthless.” 

“If you make it, buy a boat ticket, settle somewhere, and never think of me again,” Kaz said. “I could do without thinking of you, too.”

“The day that you let someone in, allow someone to care about you and let yourself care about them deeply in turn, is the day that my heart stops and I cease to exist, I swear to the saints.” 

“The rumor is that I am heartless, so you should remain alive for a very long time.” 

You said nothing, only scoffed and walked out of Kaz’s office, up to your room in the Slat.

-

Inej was at your windowsil by that afternoon, a grin on her face, a braid of black hair sitting on her right shoulder. She was wearing a black roughspun tunic and gray leggings along with a long black hooded coat to hold her knives and conceal her body while she scaled the buildings in Ketterdam, black boots that went up to the middle of her calf adorning her feet to finish the outfit off.

She looked exactly like what she was; a ships captain, one who always rolled her sleeves up to the elbow and had hands calloused from tying knots. She slipped through the opening of your window, vaulting gracefully off of it once she’d gotten her footing--you’d opened the window to let in a draft. The Slat always got humid in the summer and Ketterdam had a tendency for infrequent but strong breezes on days where the sun showed itself--and ended up a foot away from your bed.

“Kaz wrote me,” she said. “Though I assume it’s confirmed now, more than just possible?” 

“We’re breaking into the Ice Court again, yeah,” you said, nodding. “When did he send?” 

“Three weeks back. He had a feeling, according to rumor. I assume that he gave you the information while stone cold sober, though the letter he wrote to me read like he wrote it while he was drunk.” 

You scoffed. “I may be one of his closest friends, but Kaz Brekker barely tells me anything. The most I can think of in regards to hints is the fact that he mentioned it just the other day while he was whiskey drunk. Said that the Ravkans need something back, something very valuable. I was given no other context clues to this.” 

“You’d think for the one person Kaz Brekker will never truly let in, he’d tell you more than he does on the basis that he knows you’d never tell anyone a damn thing,” Inej commented. “Though, he’ll never let anyone in. It’s not his style.”

“Don’t I know it,” you said, sighing a bit. “Oh, don’t I fucking know it.”

Inejs face split into a pitiful smile. “Still?” 

“Five and a half years gunning,” you said as you stood up. You draped an arm over her shoulders, let her lead the way out of your bedroom. “Not stopping any time soon, unless I get a one way boat ticket to Ravka or decide to live there permanently after the heist.” 

“Come back to Ketterdam with me once this is through,” she said. “I’ll be staying two weeks to check out a couple of leads. Stay until I go, and I’ll take you with me to Novyi Zem. Drop you off in Cofton, where the decent houses are cheap but the good ones in the country are cheaper and have the better views of the sun while it rises and sets.” 

You opened your door, left the room. “Yeah. That’ll help me tie up a couple of loose ends, too.”

Inej laughed. “What, will you leave him a note?”

“Perhaps,” you answered with a shrug as the two of you proceeded down the corridor. “A letter is more my style, I think. It’ll make Kaz hate me--for thinking to leave with just a note, for not telling him goodbye officially before I place it on his desk--but it’s what’s necessary.”

“It is not,” Inej said. “You say that you’ll write a letter of goodbye to him now, but I know you. You’ll leave the letter behind after you’ve hinted at your leave, at the very least.” 

“No,” you couldn’t bear it. You could not say goodbye to his face nor hint at a goodbye, and that was something you’d realized as you thought of the heist that was to come throughout that day. It was something you realized as you thought of what would happen after it. “I can’t say goodbye to him in person. I can’t see that monotonous expression staring back at me while I’m close to tears and when he asks why, and I tell him I have loved him since we were fifteen, what then? How will I survive leaving Ketterdam--how will I survive saying goodbye to Kaz bloody Brekker, if I don’t do it in the form of written word?” 

“You’ll start by drinking a lot of brandy, knowing you,” Inej said. “I started my leave off by learning how to tie every knot the members of my boat crew could. I wanted to leave, well and truly, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. I learned knot tying, I wrote letters to my parents after Kaz had found them. I’ve never fully moved on from Ketterdam--I still love these streets and if I could die here, I would do so in the middle of a fight with the handle of a knife clutched in my palm--and I don’t intend to. You are not trying to move on from a city, Y/N. You are currently in the throes of trying to move on from a person.” 

You said nothing because you knew Inej was right. You were so tired of the yearning, of the constant pain that loving Kaz Brekker brought on. 

You loved Ketterdam. Well and truly, you did, but if you loved Kaz Brekker much longer, you were sure you would die of a broken heart. You did not want that for yourself--you did not want to be another one of the bodies brought out to the Reapers Barge and burned on the shores. 

You found Kaz sitting at a table on the bottom floor of the Slat where Inej found Jesper and Wylan, and the two of you split off.

“When do we leave?”

“So you’ve made your decision?” 

“When do we leave, Brekker?” 

“Three days time. Ravka first, then a couple days on foot. We’re using the summer festival as a cover up this time.”

“The royals will be celebrating with the other delegations on the White Island?”

“And we don’t have to move through the prison. It’s just a matter of getting in, getting to the palace and grabbing the jewelry and then getting out.” 

“You make it sound entirely safe,” you intoned. “Quite the opposite of what it is to be, I imagine.”

“One hundred thousand kruge is all any of us are getting after the split,” Kaz said. “Less money than breaking in is worth, but I convinced the merchant council out of thirty million once. I’m sure if I ask Nikolai to give us a better offer for our time, he will be the one stuck convincing the merchant council. It means there’ll be more time for me to wonder what I’ll put the money to.” 

“Expansions, investments,” you said. “More flooring at the Slat, the building next to it and a couple of construction workers to join the places together. Worth it endeavor if you think about it.” 

Kaz smirked at you. “A boat ticket, a farmhouse, jurda crop in the spring that you’ll sell in the fall?” 

You snorted. “Or no boat ticket, no farmhouse, no jurda. Maybe a house in the financial district and a bed that feels like laying on a blanket made from the fur brushed off of Samoyed dogs.”  

Kaz only shook his head in response, and a somber kind of silence settled over the two of you. A pang struck you in the chest as your eyes ghosted over his cheekbones, ran along the surface of his lips and down from his shoulders to his wrists to the tips of his gloved fingers.

He was looking at you in a way that you could not read or understand. Kaz’s expressions had always been unreadable, always something you had tried to understand when you thought over them. You could read his expression when you saw emotion flit across his face, but otherwise he looked monotonous. Annoyingly, handsomely, monotonous. 

He would never say it, but you could tell he wanted you to stay. It was present in the unexpected anger that flitted across his gaze whenever it came up, the sarcastic manner with which he discussed it. 

“If you want to leave, you’re welcome to go,” Kaz said. “I don’t need you to stick around if you don’t want to.”

“Perhaps I’m looking for reasons to stay,” you said. “Reasons aside from Inejs bi-monthly visits, reasons that do not primarily revolve around Jespers jokes, Wylans flute, or the rise and set of the sun.” 

“Well then, I do hope you find those reasons,” 

“And I do hope that if I do not, you’ll find time in your busy mob boss schedule to pay me a visit?” 

Kaz looked at the darkly stained wood of the table instead of saying anything. It made you want to punch him in the face, made you want to punch yourself in the face for daring to ask that of him.

 You’d dared to ask for some small admittance that he cared about you even slightly, and when did that ever quite go the way you wanted for it to? 

But then, after a couple of seconds, he spoke. “You’re to visit during the summers and Christmas time, if you keep to the words you told Jesper this morning.”

“Come visit me in Spring or Autumn,” you said. “If I end up in Ravka, it’s always quite nice to watch the leaves turn and fall to the ground during the autumn season, and spring means lots of rain, which isn’t too different from Ketterdams weather year round anyway.” 

Kaz said nothing again. You got up and spun around on your feet, heading straight for the bar. You needed a brandy and to not think of Kaz Brekker or the blue of his eyes or the sound of his voice for a minimum of twelve hours. 

-

The three days leading up to your leave were monotonous. You worked your shifts at the Crow Club, watched the sun as it rose in the mornings and and set in the evenings. You talked with Inej, laughed with Jesper and found solace in the music Wylan played with his flute. 

The trip to Ravka in and of itself was turning out to be just as monotonous. You’d taken to watching the waves, to closing your eyes and breathing in the cold air, listening to the sound of the waves as they hit the boat and rocked it lightly side to side. 

You were another six, maybe seven hours out from Ravka. The shore was beginning to show itself, a mere dot across the almost endless expanse of the sea. You’d stood, watching and listening to the waves, for upwards of an hour by then. Jesper had joined you at first, you’d discussed what you would do with the money--you were still contemplating leaving, where Jesper revealed that he and Wylan were debating buying a farm house in Novyi Zem so that they could visit his father in the autumn and help him sell the jurda he grew--and laughed as you shared anecdotes. 

But then, Jesper left. You stood in silence for the next thirty minutes, contemplating everything as it were. 

You remembered what it was like to fall in love with Kaz Brekker. It had not been easy. It had been a mess and was a mess even still, and it made you want to leave. 

Leaving, you quickly realized, meant moving on. Moving on, in the end, meant that you would probably fall in love with someone new and you would experience it all over again.

Could you handle falling in love again, though? You were entirely unsure of it. 

Falling in love had been a mess the first time. Once, you found, was more than enough, especially if it meant you went through a repetition of what you’d been going through with Kaz; a love unrequited and a flame never lit. 

Moving on almost sounded worse, though. You’d fallen in love with Kaz Brekker and, even as heartbreaking as it was, you’d grown used to it. You could handle loving him forever, never getting rid of the ache in your chest that he’d been the direct cause of, if it meant you never fell in love again and never had to go through it all a second time or a third after that. 

However, speak of the devil and the devil shall come. You barely had a second to register the sound of his cane against the flooring of the boat before he was at your right, cane leaned against the railing as he pressed his back to it. His gaze was skyward, pointedly avoiding the water. 

“What of it, Y/N?”

“What of what, Kaz?” 

You were not looking at him. You could not stand to look at him. 

“What of all of it?” Kaz asked. “One moment, you speak like you only ever want to leave and be rid of me forever, the next you talk as though you’re not going anywhere. What of it, Y/N? What of that?” 

“Nothing,” you said, shrugging your shoulders aimlessly. “Perhaps I speak like I do with the aim of keeping you on your toes. It seems to be working in my favor.” 

“Make a decision and stick with it,” Kaz said. “I cannot deal with not knowing whether you are to stay after all of this is done or if...” Kaz paused.

Kaz Brekker never paused. He never hesitated in anything. 

“If you are to leave Ketterdam behind,” Kaz finished. You looked over to him, saw a surprising bout of regret flash in his gaze before yours moved back to the water. “I cannot handle it.” 

“Well, you will have to handle it until my decision is made,” you said. “And besides, other than these random fits and starts, you have made no effort to indicate that you really do want me to stay. If you would like me to stay, just say it, Brekker.” 

A long pause passed over the two of you. Kaz felt so close, but like he was miles away all the same. 

“And if I do not?” 

“If I am being honest, whether or not you want me to stay plays a very little part in whether or not I will,” a lie. A complete and total lie. 

If Kaz Brekker asked you to stay in Ketterdam, you would have. It was quite as simple as that, but he could never know as much. You would never ever tell him that whether or not you stayed in Ketterdam was nearly entirely dependent on him because it would break your heart and harden Kaz’s into steel. 

You would be let go from the Dregs and forced to leave regardless, for Kaz Brekker loved nobody. He thought love was a weakness, and those who were weak had no place in the gang he’d built from the ground. 

“Then why does my admittance of whether or not I want you to stay mean anything?” 

“I told you once that the day that you allow yourself to care about another human being is to be the day that my heart stops and I cease to exist,” you said. You turned to look at him. “Perhaps I just want you to admit that you care, or perhaps I have a death wish. I shall leave that up to your own contemplation.” 

“If I asked you to, you would stay?” 

“If you asked me twice, I would consider it. If Jesper and Wylan asked me once, I would consider it further, but if Nina offered me a place to stay or if Inej offered me a place on her crew, I would yes on the spot. I cannot do this forever, Kaz.” 

“Do what?” 

You flinched, felt grateful that Kaz only turned to look at you after it had happened. You realized that you had said too much. 

I cannot keep loving you and wallowing in my heartbreak for the rest of my life, even as terrifying as moving on seems, even as terrifying as falling in love again sounds, you thought. 

“This,” you gestured broadly. “The heists. The near constant act of risking my life for much less money than even I, a criminal, happen to think it’s worth.” 

“So that’s it, is it?” Kaz asked. “You’ve made your decision. You’ll do the heist, you’ll collect what you’re owed, and then you’ll move on? You’ll forget about Inej and Nina, about Jesper and Wylan, and...” there it was again. A pause. 

“I did not say that,” you said exasperatedly.

“You implied it well enough.”

“I was not trying to imply anything,” you said, growing more exasperated by the second. There was fire in Kaz’s gaze. It made you want to kill him, made you want to kiss him, and made you want to shoot yourself in the foot all at once. “I am only trying to say that I will stay if I am asked by the right people or if I decide that I do not want to leave after all is said and done! I am trying to say that I do not know what I will do, and that if I decide to leave, you are welcome to throw a party to honor my absence! Saints know you won’t miss me, Brekker, if you’re so bloody emotionally cramped that you can’t even bring yourself to ask of me the one thing that might prompt me to stay in Ketterdam for at least another little while!” 

“I am not--”

“You are emotionally cramped like nobody I have ever seen in my entire life,” you said. You knew you were being cruel, but you decided you didn’t care. “You cannot bring yourself to admit that you care about people, and how dare you love anyone else because love is weakness even when you have more of a hold on Ketterdam than Pekka bloody Rollins did in his time. Love is weakness to you, Brekker, and I look forward to the day that you wake up and realize that love does not have to be weakness, but it can be strength if you would just listen to your emotions and let it be! Saints, you are awful.” 

“I am treacherous,” Kaz said somberly. “I know that. You know that.” 

“Well then, it looks like we finally have something in common,” you snapped. “I care about you, Brekker, and I care about you very deeply. All I need in order to stay is for you to finally just say it. Ask me to stay, tell me that you care, pretend to believe it when I lie and say that whether or not you do really doesn’t matter at all.” 

Kaz said nothing. You watched him turn around, turn his gaze to the water. You saw his gaze harden, realized he was relieving something painful--a memory he hadn’t told you about, so it seemed--and grimaced. 

“Caring is weakness,” Kaz said. “Weak is the last thing that I can afford to be.” 

You scoffed and walked away, not meeting his gaze as you headed belowdecks in the hopes of finding a bit of peace of mind and the will to rest. 

-

He found you in the palace a day and a half later. Negotiations had been completed, the carriage that would get you up to the Fjerdan permafrost in the preparation stages but nearly ready to go. You’d negotiated up from 100,000 kruge per person to 200,000 kruge. Not much, compared to the money you’d grabbed for the initial Ice Court heist--the theft of Kuwei Yul-Bo--but just in the realms of being good enough. 

“What are the chances we survive this, Brekker?” You were sitting by the lake, feet in the water. trying to calm your heart down. “How many of us are risking our lives in having agreed to this?”

“All of us are,” Kaz said. “Nina knows it just as well. Inej and Wylan and Jesper know it. We’re the only ones who are capable enough to do this job, and if you survive, you get a decent pay out.” 

You nodded. You’d known that all along, had figured that the odds of one of the six of you who remained dying were not quite the best. You just hoped it wouldn’t have been Kaz or Jesper. Had either of them died, your heart would’ve shattered in two with no large enough pieces to put back together again. 

“I’m sorry for what I said on the boat,” you were. Kaz might’ve deserved all of your cruelty, but you were still apologetic. A lot of what you had said had been heat of the moment anger, some of it just a little true but never meant to be said as you had said all of it. “I never meant to say it like that.” 

Kaz Brekker went still. 

Silence lapsed. It was a silence that went on for several agonizing, suffocating minutes, silence that had your watching the sun as it set encompassed only by the sound of your heartbeat thrumming in your ears, the almost silent sound of Kaz’s breathing as he sat to your right. 

It was suffocative. The silence you were experiencing in that moment had made you want to die like you’d never quite experienced it before. It was intense, a pain in your chest that you could only hope would go away. It hurt. You were hurting. 

“Will you go?” 

“I would very much like to as of now,” you said. “But I also would not. Thinking about it has become an absurdly repetitive process.” 

“If you intend to, find Genya. I’m sure she’d be willing to tailor away the crow and the cup tattoo that sits on your forearm.”

“If I am to leave, I will not get rid of it,” you said. “I will be keeping my crow and cup, along with the Dregs affiliation that it carries, thank you.” 

You were being sarcastic. It was the only thing you could will yourself to do in that moment. 

“How long will you go, if you decide to leave?”

“If I am to leave and not come back around to visit, I wouldn’t be expecting my presence for at least three years,” more than half of the time during which you had loved him was the amount of time you expected moving on from him to take. You didn’t quite want to move on, but you needed to. You needed to move on from Kaz Brekker, to stop loving him, or you would die of it. 

You would die of the love you felt for Kaz Brekker because loving him would’ve broken your heart in the end. There was no more escaping it, no more denying it. Loving Kaz Brekker would kill you whether or not that was something you wanted to admit. 

“Will you write, in the least?”

You let yourself grin. It wasn’t quite the ‘I care about you’ in the direct, forward fashion you’d hoped for, but it was enough. 

“I may,” you said. “I’ll enclose a return address so that you have no excuse when you do not respond.”

Kaz smiled. You noticed how rarely you actually saw him smile. You wished you were a Heartrender for a moment so that you would be able to listen to Kaz’s heartbeat instead of your own, and the moment passed. 

“Be ready at sunrise,” were Kaz’s parting words before he was walking away, the familiar sound of the click of his cane being the only thing you heard before you heard the familiar sound of Jesper and Ninas footsteps. 

Jesper joined you at the lake, pulled his trousers up a bit and put his feet into the water as he wrapped an arm around you, pressed a kiss to the top of your forehead. 

Nina did the same, hiked up the skirt she wore to her knees and dipped her feet into the water as she grabbed one of your hands, shot you a somber look. It had been the first time you’d had the chance to see each other since she left Ketterdam in a schooner designed to look like one of the ones that would go to the Reapers Barge, laying beside her deceased beloved. 

She hadn’t been too involved in the negotiating process simply due to the fact that she was busy tying up a couple of remaining loose ends in Fjerda, and while Kaz had been filling her in on the details you already knew, you’d been sitting by the lake or drinking tea by one of the samovars, wallowing within the depths of your own mind and trying not to resent every single second of it.

You wanted to cry. The first time you’d seen one of your closest friends in three years and there you were, wallowing in pity and in heartbreak because you had fallen for the worst person in Ketterdam who you could’ve fallen for. 

“What’s happened?” She didn’t know. You hadn’t told her.

Jesper had found out from one too many times finding you crying about it in your room at the Slat, but Nina had never seen you cry. She had never known about how you felt for Kaz because you had never quite gotten around to telling her in the hopes of avoiding her pity filled gaze, but you had meant to. You’d promised yourself you would tell her before the Ice Court and you just...never had. 

“He’s fallen for the worst person in Ketterdam that one is capable of falling for,” Jesper said. “And now, every time he thinks about that person, he wants to die because it is either A: continue to live in Ketterdam and exist in the pain that this person brings on, or B: leave and move on and debate coming back to Ketterdam three years from now while hoping that one look at the aforementioned person will not have him falling head over heels all over again.” 

“You fell in love with Kaz Brekker?” Nina asked. You turned to look at her, and there it was. The pity in her gaze. “Oh, Y/N. You glorious fool.” 

You laughed, a tired, sad laugh. “I know it was dumb,” you said. “But, if it helps, I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. It just kind of happened.” 

She gave your hand a squeeze. “He’s an idiot.”

“As am I.” 

“You two have that in common then,” she gave you a grin, and you grinned back, and for a moment you felt like you were seventeen again. You felt like the boy who laughed with Nina on the boat as you were headed for Fjerda, occasionally looking to her Fjerdan to find him glaring at you because he thought you were standing too close. 

You were the boy who looked at Matthias as Nina laughed at one of Jespers jokes and saw that it looked like he had stars in his eyes. 

You were the boy who flinched when Kuwei said that Kaz looked at you whenever you laughed or grinned the same way that Matthias looked at Nina whenever the sound of her laugh met his ears, denied it profusely because you had not seen it for yourself. 

“He’s Kaz,” Jesper said. “Never knows shit about shit with his emotions but he’ll figure it out once he lets his emotions in a little bit, if he does do so. Doesn’t want you to leave, which is clear as day.”

“He doesn’t want me to go, but he refuses to tell me to stay,” you wanted to die. you wanted to jump into the lake and die. “I wish he would.” 

“If he asked, would you say yes?” 

You would’ve. You would’ve stayed, for at least another little while. “Yeah.”

“So all that needs to happen for you to stay is for Kaz to ask that of you?” 

“Yeah.”

“Lovesick idiot,” Jesper shouted. “Saints, I know I might’ve been this bad with Wylan, but at least he’s never ripped my heart out a thousand times and still had the gall to ask me to stay with him. If he had, I wouldn’t’ve said yes. I would’ve vowed never to speak to him again. You are a lovesick idiot.” 

“I know,” you said. “I legitimately yearn for death whenever I think about it too much, it’s just that--”

“Kaz Brekker is your first love,” Nina said. “Letting go of first loves is never easy for anyone.”

“The thought of leaving and moving on is terrifying to me,” you admitted. “Falling in love with Kaz was scary enough. Moving on just means getting over Kaz and doing it all again with someone new.” 

“Yeah,” Nina nodded. “Trust me, it’s never easy. If you lose him, moving on will feel like a betrayal at first.”

“You can’t seriously think that--” began Jesper.

“It’s the bloody Ice Court,” Nina said coldly. “We went from seven to six the last time. Who’s to say we won’t lose someone else?” 

“It’s more likely than not,” you chimed in. “Let’s just hope we do our jobs well enough. In and out, no losses.”

“No losses,” Jesper said, cutting a flare at Nina. “We’ll make it.” 

“Making it out of the toughest situations is what we do best,” you offered, grinning slightly.

You didn’t know if you were right, but you had to hope, even if just a bit. 

-

Kaz and Jesper had been walking through the halls of the Fjerdan Royal Palace when Kaz’s mind wandered. He was thinking about you again. 

Just as he had been for four years. You, it seemed, had found a way to occupy all of the corners of his mind, sneaking up on him when he’d least expected it. He’d not found a way to stop thinking about you in the days since he’d begun to at sixteen, but at twenty, he was more than happy to allow that to keep on as it was. 

The thoughts were a bit of a distraction as Kaz and Jesper moved, but Kaz had set a quick pace and he was able to keep it up even when lost within the depths of his mind, so it didn’t bother him much. 

He was thinking of you again. 

He did not know whether or not you would stay in Ketterdam after the heist. He knew what he needed to do to incentivize you to stay, but he just could not bring himself to say the words.

He’d wanted to when it was first discussed in the weeks before, when you had brought it up as a mere possibility. He’d wanted to say it when you were in the Slat the same afternoon, had yearned to do so on the boat amidst your fighting and as the two of you sat by the lake. 

All that you had wanted was an admission from Kaz; a simple admittance to the fact that he cared about you--which, deep down, he knew he did. Hell, even on the surface, he knew he did. 

He’d started truly giving a damn when the two of you were sixteen and he had not stopped since. He’d liked you, at first, and then somewhere along that line, liking you had turned into romance. It had turned into a love that Kaz had always thought would remain unrequited. 

All that you had wanted from him was just “Fine. Yes. I care about you and I care about you deeply.” An admittance. Even a begrudging admittance would’ve worked, Kaz knew. 

What did you get instead? 

Caring is weakness, he’d said. Weak is the last thing that I can afford to be. 

Thinking about it made Kaz want to grab one of Jespers revolvers and use it to shoot himself in the foot. 

He remained unashamed to say that he’d had his idiotic moments but that moment was not idiotic. It was the next thing below it. It was the last thing he’d wanted to say to you right then, the first thing that came to his mind. 

He would’ve told you to stay if it meant you would’ve. He would’ve said it a thousand times over, but there was still the necessity of acknowledging that you did not quite know what you were going to do. You did not know whether or not you were going to stay in Ketterdam and it was entirely too unfair of Kaz to ask that of you if staying was not what you wanted to do. 

Kaz Brekker was not going to ask you to stay if it meant that he was making you feel like you had been forced. He was not going to ask you to stay if you really did want to go out and see what the world had to offer outside of the streets of Ketterdam, all of the familiar walkways in the Financial District and the abundance of alleyways and shortcuts throughout the best spots in the Barrel. 

He was not going to ask you to stay if it meant he was forcing your hand in the matter. If you truly wanted to leave, Kaz Brekker was not going to ask you to stay and get in the way of your yearning for a life outside of the Barrel and its depths. 

He’d wanted to ask you to stay, though. That much, he could admit. He’d really wanted to ask you to stay. 

But he had not, and he would not. Not if it meant he was getting in the way of some bigger dream of yours. 

Kaz and Jesper proceeded to take a left, run up a set of stairs, and move down a long corridor to the end of a long hall. The heist was simple enough. 

You and Nina had walked every corridor in guards uniforms the night previous, Inej had scaled nearly every corner of the building in search of a window that could be opened from the outside, only to find that all of them locked and unlocked from the inside. 

All that Kaz and Jesper had to do by that point was get the jewels, open a palace window that had been locked from the inside and give the jewels to Inej, From there, Inej would get the jewels to Nina and Wylan and you were left with distracting the guards to keep them from noticing as Kaz and Jesper slipped out of the palace through the entrance and left through the White Island exits, forged papers on their person so that they held up when they were examined at the exit checkpoints. 

Easy enough, when one discounted the fact that alarms sounded off in the palace every two hours during the summer celebration to alert guards to the presence of possible thieves. 

Kaz and Jesper were working in that two hour window, and even with how fast they were moving, getting to the top floor of the palace was taking a lot more time than either of them had anticipated. By the time they’d reached the top, they had only an hour and fifteen minutes to get the jewels out of the triple-locked safe the royals had stored them in, exit the room and get down to the bottom floor before escaping without being noticed. 

The first step was unlocking the window and pushing it open so as to allow for Inej to slip into the room. 

The room that the safe was in was a perfect representation of Fjerdan honor. icy white tiled floors, pristine white walls, clear windows displaying your average scene of snowy Fjerda and the mountains beyond the Ice Court and the palace. The safe was the same depth of black as the bulky Druskelle wore, the key lock on the window just a bit darker than the safe had been.

Kaz cracked the lock on the window first, grateful that it was a simple lock that only required a key and could be picked with one of the lockpicks that Kaz had managed to tuck into the inner pockets of the rough spun coat he wore. That cut down on time significantly, made it less likely that he was to be risking his own life, though the risk had always been the fun part. 

“Jesper, you get the window,” Kaz said as he moved to the corner of the room, resting the lock atop the safe that stood at six feet tall. “I’ve got fifteen minutes to crack the safe before Inej gets here, and it took us forty five bloody minutes to get from the bottom to here. We’ll be running on borrowed time with the more of it we waste.” 

Jesper heaved a sigh, opened the window. He and Kaz both bristled at the harsh winters breeze that flooded through the room with the action, though Kaz’s gaze was already on the first of three locks, eyes scanning the room for clues in the numerical code.

“You’ve not asked him to stay,” Jesper said as he began to scan the room as well, eyes searching at the same time as his hands moved under windowsils and along walls, in search of number shaped dents. “All that Y/N wants is for you to ask him to stay and he’ll do it.” 

“That’s the elephant in the room, isn’t it? Him wanting me to admit that I care and my continued refusal?” Kaz asked, eyes going to the ceiling, squinted, searching for a number combination. 

“Fjerdan queens birthday?” He asked. 

“October eighth,” Jesper said. “Thank Nina for that one.” 

“No thanks are owed. The code on the first lock is six digits, and with luck, October eighth presents itself as four at most,” Kaz said. “Did you notice any numbers while we moved?”

“You had us moving like bolts of lightning. Of course I didn’t.” 

“We walked six floors,” Kaz began. “Two flights from one floor to the next including the lead up to the palaces. Two flights per floor is twelve flights at minimum. Did you count the steps you took?”

“Twenty steps per flight,” Jesper said with a nod. “Try 621220.”

Kaz input the code, and to both his and Jespers collective relief, it worked. 

The next lock was less simple. It was a more complex version of the lock on the window, three key locks that needed to be unlocked in four second intervals. When one wasn’t prepared for something of that sort, opening them was akin to walking through hell twice and then exiting to find you’d only left the previous circle and gone into the next. 

Kaz input all three lock picks, got the first free, then the second and the third. He could feel Jespers gaze on him as he stood by the window, listening for the distinctive silence that meant Inej was just around the corner. 

“I’ve wanted to ask him to stay,” Kaz confessed as he examined the third lock. It was another set of triple locks that needed to be unlocked rapidly, four seconds one after the other at minimum. There were two sets, and Kaz had to hope that they were programmed as two sets of three. There was also safe code that needed cracking. It was a word that time, thankfully. “I have, and I have almost done it several times.”

“Then do it,” Jesper said. “Forgo all fears of weakness and just tell him you want him to stay. I don’t know if you’re in love with him or what, but if you are and you don’t at least ask him to stay in Ketterdam for the sake of the waffles and the views, he will go and you will lose him forever.”

Kaz only turned his gaze to the safe. “Word of Fjerdan significance?”

“Djel,” Jesper said. 

Kaz input the code as Inej slipped through the window. “Talking about Y/N, I would assume.”

“Jesper is,” Kaz said pointedly. “He’s doing most of the talking, actually.” 

The code did not work. 

“Maybe it’s more than four letters,” Inej suggested. “Try honor. Pride. Druskelle. Loyalty. Murdering innocents.” 

Jesper gave an ungraceful snort at Inej’s last suggestion, and Kaz only shook his head, though he could admit that he’d found it amusing. 

Kaz typed in pride first, then when that didn’t work, typed honor. He took a deep breath in when the code scanner gave a warning that it was the last time a code could be inputted before the lock reverted to it’s original coding--a code set during the manufacturing process, one that had been changed by the royals since the locks purchase. 

He typed in his last hope. Druskelle.

The screen on the lock turned a bright green color, and relief flooded the room as Kaz grabbed the lockpicks and situated them in the first locks, moving with deft hands and feeling almost at ease as the first set of three locks clambered to the floor and sat around his feet. He repeated the process, putting the lockpicks in and working the locks within four seconds, feeling relief flood his system as the locks fell to the ground.

The final of three doors opened, and Kaz was back in his rhythm. He took all of the Ravkan jewelry that he could see in the safe--several emerald necklaces, an antique tiara worn by one of Ravkas previous queens and each Fabergé egg that had been taken--and passed them to Inej, who put them into the bag she’d had on her back and reminded Kaz and Jesper of the time of the rendezvous and the rendezvous point. 

“Jesper, it’s best you go,” Kaz said. “I’ll relock the safe and meet you at the rendezvous.”

“If you don’t make it--”

“Provided that I make it to the bottom floor, Y/N will have my six. Stop worrying.” 

Jesper only shrugged. “No mourners.”

“No funerals.”

Kaz did not watch Jesper go. Instead, he closed the first of three doors and got to putting the locks back in their places. He had a job to finish, money to collect, and someone to ask to say in Ketterdam on the way back home.

-

Kaz was on the bottom floor, close to the exit, when the alarms went off and two guards saw him, firing off two shots rapidly. Kaz was able to get one of the guards with the gun he’d thought to hide in the pocket of his coat, though he missed the shot he fired at the other. 

Kaz was disoriented as his eyes moved rapidly around the corridor, searching for an out at the same time as he tried to take inventory of his injuries. 

He’d been shot in the arm, if the burning pain in his right bicep was of any indication, and it felt like he’d been shot in the stomach as well. 

“Oh, you’re a Ketterdam criminal,” said one of the guards as he approached. “Brekker, isn’t it? You’re one of the hot shots in that wretched Barrel spot?”

Kaz didn’t say anything, eyes continuing to rove around the corridor as he took cautious steps back. He realized he wasn’t looking for an out any longer, but instead trying to find you in a sea of black guard uniforms.

I am going to stay alive, Kaz thought. I am going to make it through this. I will not die without telling him that--what? What will I tell Y/N? 

“Kaz Brekker,” Kaz said. “Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands. Pick one.” 

A shot rang out from somewhere nearby. 

“Who’s on your crew, Brekker?” 

“The worst of the worst,” Kaz said with a shrug, trying to ignore the fact that he was losing blood and feeling in his right arm. “If you wanted names from me, shooting me in the arm and the stomach was not a good idea. How can I give you names if I fall unconscious and die before you have the chance to actually question me?” 

In response, Kaz recieved a bullet wound in his leg, one that made it harder to stand and near impossible not to lean on his cane. 

“That is more counterintuitive than you think.” 

Another shot. 

“Looks like one of your buddies is comin’ round to save your arse,” said the guard. “Too bad you’ll be dead before they get the chance.” 

A third shot, though that time it went through the head of the guard who had been taunting him. 

“You really can’t go one Fjerdan mission without risking your life?” Nina asked as she, you, and Jesper came into sight. “Saints, Brekker. I thought Y/N had a death wish, but it seems you do instead.”

“Can you walk?” You asked as you approached. Kaz realized he was sitting on the floor, having fallen at some point without realizing. “Ghezen, these wounds are bad. You can try, but you’ll fail.”

“I will not--”

“You might not have a choice, Kaz,” you whispered. “You need to be able to walk or I will have to carry you out.”

“We could just leave him here to die?” Nina suggested. 

Kaz watched you turn around and glare at her, knowing that the fury in his gaze likely seemed futile to Nina.

“I am not leaving him here,” you said. “No. That is not an option that I am willing to consider.”

Kaz blinked, fighting off his exhaustion as you draped one of his arms over your shoulders and helped him to stand. He felt the bare skin of his wrist against your shoulder as you got to moving, and instantly, it felt like he was drowning.

The waters were rising again. He could hear Jordies voice somewhere far out, feel the water at his ankles and quickly rising to his knees. He wanted to die in that moment, yearned for it more than he did anything else. 

But he was going to leave the Ice Court alive or not at all, and he refused to stay, so he forced his gaze to the ground. He reminded himself that your heart was still beating. He focused on the sound of your breath, in and out. In and out. Alive. You were alive.

Kaz had been trying to work on his touch aversion since he was seventeen. There were good and bad days both, but it seemed that that day was terrible, that it was Hell incarnate. 

He wanted to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to ask you to stay in Ketterdam despite the fact that he did not want to know whether or not you would. Kaz Brekker needed to tell you that you’d consumed his every thought since he was sixteen years old, and he needed you to understand that he was fine with that. 

As he slipped into unconsciousness, hearing only the sound of your voice as you begged for a medik to see to him, Wylans voice as he asked Jesper what happened and Jespers voice as he explained, he was thinking about you. He needed to tell you everything. 

-

The following few days were a blur. Leaving through the exit point with a medik in tow, getting to a hotel and eventually heading back to Ravka in a carriage. Kaz had pockets of consciousness and every time he woke, your name was the first thought to enter his mind and the first word to leave his lips. 

When he woke in a bed in the Ravkan palaces, he found you at his bedside. 

“The money has been split six ways into the offshore bank accounts we were set up with during the first Ice Court heist,” you explained as Kaz looked at you. “I told Nikolai to talk to the Merchant council again, demand an additional fifty thousand for each of us.”

“On what grounds?”

“You nearly died,” you said. “You deserve 250,000 kruge for that. The rest of the crows deserve the additional compensation because they know that they’re worth more than 200,000.”

“And you?”

“I don’t deserve it,” you said. “I’ve taken to the habit of not believing I deserve anything good as of late, but I figured that Nina, Jesper and I saved your life and that does count for something.” 

“Thank you,” Kaz said. He wanted to ask you to stay. He would not. “For saving my life. I owe you.”

“You owe me nothing,” you said. “I cannot let you owe me, Brekker.” 

Kaz turned his head. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to die. He wished that the guard had killed him while he’d had the chance. 

“You and the others will leave tomorrow at nightfall,” you said. “I wish you luck, Kaz.” 

Kaz did not watch you go, only heard your footsteps and the door opening and then closing. 

He turned again, sat up and took inventory of the room. It was a typical room in the Little Palace--lots of windows, bright yellows and warm blues. There were lamps burning high, and from Kaz’s first guess as he looked out the window, he assumed it was early morning, the last hour or so before the sunrise. The clock hung on the wall parallel to his bed confirmed his suspicions.

The only thing that looked even slightly out of place was the letter placed on the pillow to Kaz’s right. His name was on it, and the letter was written in your hand. He picked it up cautiously, began to read.  

Kaz,

I am writing you this letter because I am a coward. I am a coward who would not be able to manage saying my goodbyes to you, confessing all of this, watching your heart become steel while mine shattered into a broken, unfixable mess. You may call me cruel, you may call me cowardly, you may choose to never reach out to me again. I will understand whatever choice you make, and I hope that you choose to cut contact. It’ll make moving on easier. 

I have loved you since I was fifteen years old. I cannot handle it any longer--the yearning, the heartbreak, the constant reaffirmations that you cannot care about me, that you refuse to let yourself.--and I have chosen to leave. 

I have loved you since I was fifteen years old and if I keep going as I am, the heartbreak that I feel day in and day out will kill me. When you read this, I will have explained that the money is in the offshore accounts you set up during the first Ice Court heist, and I will have told you when you and the others are to go. Jesper and Wylan are the only ones who know I plan to leave. 

I will see you again as I have things I need to grab from the Slat before I go, but I ask that you do not acknowledge me. I am trying to move on, as much it breaks my heart to do so, and moving on will be a lot easier if you just pretend I do not exist.

Best regards, 

Y/N.

Kaz didn’t have much time to react. He only set the letter down, closed his eyes, and willed himself to go to sleep again. He could save reacting to the letter for later if it was to be so necessary. 

-

A week and a half later, Kaz was approaching Fifth Harbor with nothing but an ache in his heart and an extremely diluted sense of hope lingering at the corners of his mind. 

The minute he found you, the hope grew stronger. He willed himself to move forward, found himself standing at your left just minutes later. His hands were gripping his cane, the typical coat gone so that he didn’t die of a heatstroke in Ketterdams summer humidity. 

He was wearing a white button up with the sleeves rolled to the elbows, black slacks and a black tie. He looked like a relaxed version of himself, though he was anything but relaxed. 

“You wrote me a letter in the presence of a goodbye,” Kaz said. “In your letter, you say that you couldn’t’ve done this in person. You said that you couldn’t bear to watch my heart turn to steel while yours broke. You didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye, and you’ve been avoiding me while you’ve packed up the last of your things that were in the Slat.”

“I told you to act as though I did not exist.”

“And I listened for two days,” Kaz said. “You didn’t give me a chance to say goodbye to you, Y/N. I have more to say to you and I am not going to be saying whatever it is that you think I will be.”

“And if I assume you’re professing your love for me?”

“Well, it’s a very good thing that Inej is currently dealing with the spies from our rivals that are within earshot, then,” Kaz said. 

“My boat leaves in a half hour,” it hadn’t even docked yet. 

“Then I’ve got at least twenty minutes,” Kaz said. “I do care about you, Y/N. I have loved you since I was sixteen years old, even as much as I do not want to admit that. Love is weakness to every last person in the Barrel, and I could not have anyone knowing I loved someone else.”

“Even so, loving you has been--”

“A trainwreck,” Kaz said. “A medley of heartbreak and sorrow and near constant yearning. I know. Jesper has told me all of it, as have Inej and Wylan. They read the letter you left me and while Jesper and Wylan took a more direct approach, Inej was subtle. She would bring it up in ways that felt like I was being stabbed in the gut. I know that all loving me has meant for you is constant emotion, not all of them happy, and I accept that for what it is.”

“I have to go. I have to move on--”

“Stay,” Kaz said, desperation crawling in through his blood and being pumped straight into his chest. “Stay in Ketterdam. Just for another little while.” 

You turned to look at him. You finally turned to look at him. 

You thought on it for a while, until your boat had docked and you and Kaz were hearing the captain shout last call for passengers. 

“Okay,” you said, nodding. “I’ll stay for another year.” 

Kaz couldn’t help it. He grinned. You grinned back at him, and he felt his heart grow so light it could’ve left the cavity of his chest and he wouldn’t’ve noticed. 

You walked back to the Slat while talking of the next job and joking and jabbing at one another, though that time, it was different. Kaz had said as he needed to say. You were staying in Ketterdam, on the way to becoming a couple, and Kaz was happy. Well and truly happy for the first time in what felt like forever. 

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

*SaB season 2 spoilers! (I think mostly episode 5/6 onwards)*

Let’s talk about the hallucinations that Tolya, Kaz, Jesper, and Inej experienced when they were breathing in the poisonous/toxic gas. It was watching this scene that made me realise I was going to need to take notes if I wanted to convey my thoughts properly to you guys, so rest assured I have a lot to say.

It would seem at first that Jesper and Inej are experiencing things they desire, whilst Kaz and Tolya are being forged through their greatest fears, and I’ve seen a lot of people mentioning this. However, Jesper’s longing for his mother ultimately culminates in more pain for him, both in losing her and in the parts of himself that he’s been burying in her absence. He uses the experience to overcome his repression because he’s in a stable enough position (in terms of his emotional state relating to his mother’s death not his gambling addiction) to start healing, but that doesn’t mean mean that the experience isn’t still deeply painful for him. In a similar way, Inej’s hallucination shows her something that she cannot experience - not just because of Kaz’s pain but because of her own as well. When I fist watched it the hallucination bothered me a little, because although she internally expresses a desire to be with Kaz in the books, it is not something she physically wished for. However, the more I think about it the more I understand that this was necessary because it was absolutely the reason that she was the first of them to ‘wake up’, as it were, and acknowledge that the visions weren’t real. As much as she theoretically wishes for a relationship with Kaz, her desires are not only for him but more so to one day be capable of having a relationship at all. If the hallucination had shown her family or memories of her childhood like Jesper then it would have fooled her far more easily because she is prepared to want them and to want to go home. She is not prepared to want Kaz. When I initially made my notes about this I wrote about the “I will have you without your armour” scene in the books, not knowing that we would get to see it later on. In the books, Inej reflects on this conversation afterwards and wonders how she would have felt if Kaz had responded like she thought she wanted him to. Like him, she has a fear of physical contact - she describes flinching when Nina and Jesper hug her, and closes in on herself when Heleen touches her - but instead of protecting herself from contact like Kaz she forces herself through it in hopes of improving. Her fear of contact is less severe than his, in part because she feared reaching the point that he has where any future of touch seems impossible, and in part because her fear is not of touch alone but the impact that sexual contact will have on her state of mind. She wonders whether, had Kaz ‘taken her’ in that moment, she would have been able to reciprocate any kind of connection or if she would have shut down and become “a doll in his arms” as she was forced to do for survival at the Menagerie. If that happened, she would not only feel fractured and betrayed because of her mental state, but she would also never be able to see Kaz in the same way again; her would become aligned with every horror she experienced and all the pain she went through. Her pain is still to fresh; in the books she was only a year or two out of the Menagerie and I think we can assume it to be less in the show since Heleen still holds her contracts. Until she’s had time to heal she cannot possibly enter a relationship of this nature because it has the power to break her. There’s a tragically beautiful line in the books that I think described this really well when she says “And what was she supposed to do? Find a nice husband, have his children, then sharpen her knives whilst they slept? How would she explain the nightmares she still had?” It’s a heartbreaking line, but it also more than proves that she has not yet reached a place of healing because she cannot imagine being able to explain her experiences to the person she’d spend the rest of her life with. With this context, I think the most important part of her hallucination is that Kaz asks for permission before he touches her, but unfortunately I don’t think there is enough emphasis on her backstory to make this clear in the show.

I think that Inej and Jesper’s hallucinations appearing to be more about longing but ultimately being painful and Tolya and Kaz’s to be more about fear tells us a lot about their characters. If I had to group them as optimists and pessimists, I’d have probably called Jesper and Tolya the optimists and Kaz and Inej the pessimists, but I think this scene is telling me exactly why I was wrong. Starting with the pessimistic visions: Tolya is drip fed im his greatest fear whilst Kaz is forced into it immediately, and I think this is because Tolya is less pessimistic than Kaz but struggling to find his way to optimism. His vision takes place on the Volkvony/Hummingbird, making him feel endangered somewhere that he should feel safe and at home to kill his longing for optimism, and he finds Tamar slowly because he is trying to push away the thought of losing his sister but it just keeps coming back. I also think that arguably his greatest fear is not just her death, but somehow causing it. And then for the optimists: Inej’s vision differs from Jesper’s because she is finding it so difficult to remain the optimistic child she used to be. If she were still who she once was, she would have seen her parents or her brother, but instead she sees Kaz because her life has been narrowed from travelling through Ravka (and I think North Shu Han but I’m not sure?) to the limits and confines of Ketterdam alone, until the city has become her whole world. She is clinging desperately to the edge of this optimistic outlook, a child with no knowledge of how cruel the world can be, but the hallucination almost taunts her by showing her something she could be optimistic about if she wanted to but ultimately knows is unattainable, at least right now. Jesper’s is arguably very similar, which I think highlights how similar they are both on the family-oriented childhoods they both lost very suddenly and the way their personalities were shaped because of it, but his is overall more positive because he is closer to being able to heal from the loss of his mother than Inej is the loss of her innocence.

This is so long I’m so sorry I only just realised, if you read this far thank you very much I hope it was interesting enough for the effort

[barbarianbookhoe]

Chapter 5

Taglist: @vainillasmil157

After Nina made sure to check on Y/N's wound (and constantly tease her about Kaz), she went to bring Inej some water. The shapeshifter asked Nina about her, and made her promise to tell her when she was awake. Y/N thought of Inej as part of her family, and she didn't feel like going to a funeral in the near future.

Kaz checked on her as she asked, and she soon fell asleep not long after he left. When she woke, her limbs were sore from the uncomfortable position she sat in the chair. She noticed Kaz's coat draped over her and she smiled at the familiar scent.

Y/N slowly stood up from the chair and began putting on the change shirt Kaz smuggled into her bag. She also put on the leather vest, because feeling the fabric around her body made her feel secure, though she didn't put the knives back on. Y/N took a deep breath and opened the door, only to be met with Jesper's surprised gaze.

"You're awake?" He asked but then quickly corrected himself. "Well, of course you are since you're standing here. Saints, was I worried about you," He went to hug her but was stopped by when he heard Y/N wince from his touch. "Shit, did I hurt your wound?"

"Yeah, you kinda grabbed the wrong shoulder," Y/N answered and put a hand over her left shoulder.

"Sorry, I'll try to be careful next time," Jesper replied and then carefully put his arm around her, while leading her on board to the others. He began talking about what happened after Kaz brought her to the cabin, and she slept.

"I swear on all of Inej's Saints, that he was extremely brutal, like, I've never seen him act like this before," He said, "And I've seen lots of things in the Barrel," Jesper added.

"What did he do?" Y/N asked somewhat curiously, because the way Jesper talked, it sounded like he held some fear against Kaz. "For starters, he beated the shit out of Oomen, the man who wanted to drown you, then cut out his eye for Inej, and after learning he was sent by Pekka, he killed him and threw him into the water," He answered and his words made Y/N halt in her steps. "I'm sorry. Did I hear you say Pekka? As in Pekka Rollins, the one man Kaz hates more than anything?"

"Yes," she heard Kaz answer from next to her. She then realized Jesper not only lead her on board, but directly in front of the three boys and Nina. "He sent those men to the harbor to stop us from getting to Fjerda and the Ice Court. I have a suspicion that he took on the job as well, and intends to be the only one finishing it." Kaz told her and Y/N furrowed her brows.

"There's also a chance he might kill us once we step inside the Ice Court," Wylan added which made Kaz roll his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous. If he's half as smart as he thinks, he won't kill us in the prison, because that would alert the guards. He's going to wait until we do the hard work, and then catch us," He said nonchalantly, like it wasn't their deaths he was talking about.

"Fine!" Jesper sighed. "But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute, just so I can annoy the hell out of your ghost," He told Kaz and Y/N grinned at his words.

Kaz smugly looked back at him. "I'll just hire Matthias' ghost to kick your ghost's ass," Matthias grumbled. "My ghost won't associate with your ghost,"

Y/N straightened her back under Jesper's arm. "My ghost will be having a wager with Nina and Inej's ghost on which one of you is the biggest idiot,"

"That would be me," Jesper smiled at her and she sent a quick glance to Kaz as she spoke. "I wouldn't be so sure, but you're close," The boy laughed at her and let go of her shoulders to take a look at Wylan's drawing. It was complete now, and Y/N needed to admit that the boy had talent.

After some more talking about the plan, Kaz dismissed everyone and Y/N decided to go with Nina to check on Inej. She felt guilty for not doing it sooner, but the heartrender reassured her that it was better for her to rest, if only for a few hours.

They went inside the room and when Y/N saw how lifeless Inej's body looked on the table, her stomach turned. She sat down on the chair next to her and glanced at the bandage around her torso.

"How bad is it?" She asked as she turned around, and the look on Nina's face turned into worry in an instant. "It's a pretty deep wound. Lucky for her the blade wasn't poisoned, so her chances are better,"

"So there's a chance she won't wake up," Y/N whispered and took a glance at Inej's peaceful face. "But she's going to, isn't she?" She looked up to see Nina standing next to her with a sad face. "I really hope so," She said and gently grabbed Inej's face to pour some water into her mouth, to keep her hydrated.

"You mind if I stay here with you? I don't want to sit alone in that cabin," Y/N said to Nina and she tried to hide a smile. "Really? I thought after your encounter with Kaz, you'd like that cabin," Y/N let out a gasp at her words.

"Nina Zenik, what are you implying?" She asked dramatically to which the girl playfully put her hands on her hip. "I'm just curious why the two of you lolked so flushed," She replied and her voice changed to a teasing tone. Y/N tried to hide the embarassment from her face as she answered.

"I had a bullet wound, we were both freezing from the water. That's it," Nina looked at Y/N with raised eyebrows. "And I'm the Queen of Ravka. You do know that I'm a Heartrender? I can hear everything," She smiled knowingly at Y/N, but she refused to look back at her. Then Nina sighed and put a hand on her shoulder and spoke softly.

"Look, whatever is happening between the two of you, it's clear that you don't want anyone to know. I can't promise that I won't interrupt you again, because I'm a naturally curious person, but I swear, that I won't tell anyone about it,"

Y/N finnaly looked at her and smiled in relief. "Thanks a lot, Nina"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the next three days, they took shifts in looking after Inej and her wound. They would try and feed her, keep her hydrated and talk to her, tell stories and old ravkan tales, as if she could hear them.

The two girls got to know each other better, now that they had the time for it. Y/N loved how confident and humorous Nina was, and sometimes the way she talked it reminded her of her mother. It made her chest feel warm. She also told some things about her childhood when she still lived in Os Kervo, and noticed the surprised glances she got from Nina after a few of her stories.

"Sometimes I'm really surprised by you," Nina told her on their third night, when they were both in the room with Inej. "Yeah? Why?" Y/N asked with a slight smile. "You're a gunsmith and a shapeshifter thought to be extinct, yet, the stories you tell, they're so...stupid, and childish and happy, I mean-"

"How did I end up in the Barrel, is what you're asking?" Y/N questioned and Nina nodded her head. The shapeshifter sighed and leaned back in her chair, as she thought about her answer. She trusted Nina, but not yet enough to tell her all the details. "Let's just say that I was using my powers when I shouldn't have, and a powerful person's men saw it, and we had to escape,"

"We?" Nina asked and Y/N lightly chuckled at her question. "Yeah, me and my brother, Raffiel. Ghezen, was he a pain in the ass. But I'd do anything for him and his family," She told her honestly and Nina smiled widely at her words.

"Ooh, does he have a wife? Or a husband maybe? Kids?" She asked quickly and Y/N laughed at her. "I see. Now that you can't pry into my private life, you want to pry into my brothers?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a cruel Grisha woman, clearly seducing you for imformation about your brother. I'm so evil," Nina sighed dramatically and then looked at Y/N, waiting for her answer.

"Well, he has a wife and a son. The kid's so full of energy I swear if they let him outisde he'd run to Fjerda and back in one day. But he's the sweetest kid you could ever meet. And those green eyes? It's like staring into a pair of emeralds," She shook her head with a smile. She hoped it wasn't the last time she saw her nephew.

Every day they got closer to Fjerda, a knot appeared in her stomach, and each day it got tighter and tighter. She knew Kaz had a solid plan and she believed in him with every inch of herself, yet, there was also a small voice in the back of her head telling her that it won't work out, that they'll get caught and stay in prison till their death. She ignored the voice, but soon enough it was going to cause trouble for her.

And when Inej woke up, Y/N never saw someone cry as much as Nina did in the next few minutes. After they got her drinking and eating a few bites, they told her everything that happened at the harbor, including the few details of Kaz's plan. Y/N left out the fact that she almost drowned, and Nina left out what she assumed between the two. When they began talking about the Crow and the Cup tattoo, Inej lightly turned her head towards Y/N, who was standing beside Nina, next to the table.

"When did you get it? I know that it was already on you when we first met," Inej asked quietly, still somewhat week from her wound. Y/N's brows raised in surprise as she looked at the girl.

"And you're asking me this now ?" She asked and Inej let out a small smile. "I almost died, and there's lots of things I needed to ask, so...least you can do is give me an answer," The girl paused before whispering, "Before I bleed out again," Nina alet out a half chuckle hald yelp, but Y/N just stared at Inej.

"I hate you right now," She said, but seeing that the Suli-girl won't back down, she sighed.

She gave her a short answer, that she was certain she was going to regret later, not to mention the lecture she was going to get from Kaz when he hears about it.

"I got it along with Kaz, when we were fifteen,"

[steponmeinejghafa]

Little Crow Pt.2

Summary: Inej teaches you how to fight with knives, you and Kaz share a very important moment of vulnerability, which also marked an important milestone for the pair of you.

Age: 8

---

You'd lived with the Crows for two years now. Two years of glorious fun, being feared, causing mayhem, learning a thing or two about surviving in the Barrel. Truly, this was the life. Sure, there we complications, but hey, nothing's perfect.

One day, you were humming to yourself, happily walking up the stairs to Kaz's office, because you wanted to ask him something and, frankly, you were bored.

You stopped at the door when you heard the voices of all the Crows speaking in hushed tones, so you concentrated and tried your best to figure out what they were saying.

"Old enough..." came Inej's voice.

"She's a child, you lunatics..." ah, there was Nina.

"She should be able to defend herself if she gets mugged," Jesper said. He suddenly yelped when you heard a 'thud', Wylan probably having hit him.

"What kind of psycho would mug an eight year old!?" Exclaimed Nina.

You heard the thump of Kaz's cane and tried to escape, but were promptly caught by the collar of your shirt with the crow's beak, as the man pulled you into the room.

"Looks like we've got a spy," he said, ushering you inside.

Inej, as usual, was perched at the windowsill, Nina was flustered and annoyed in the middle of the room, Jesper sat atop a table, Wylan seated between his legs on a chair.

"It's not spying if you live here," you countered.

"Seems like you've been taking comeback lessons from Nina," Jesper rolled his eyes. He glanced at Nina, "You know, I liked it better when she'd fumble over her words and then just say 'same to you'."

"She doesn't need you bullying her, Jes," replied Inej.

"Ah well, now that Y/n is here, we might as well say it. She should be the one to decide," said Kaz. He looked at you and asked, "Do you want to learn how to wield a weapon, little crow?

You gasped and grinned, nodding, "Yes! I want to learn how to fight with knives like Auntie Nej."

"It's settled then," said Jesper, playing with Wylan's hair. "She's going to be a soundless, knife-wielding Wraith Junior."

Inej chucked a pencil at him, which she'd clearly been fiddling with previously.

"First of all, there can only be one Wraith. If Y/n wants to emulate her, Inej can teach you to fight with knives," said Kaz, nodding. "And, if you'd like, Jesper can teach you how to shoot."

"Yeeeeeessss." You laughed gleefully, before holding up your hand, fingers outstretched for Kaz to press his gloved fingers against yours. This was the pair of yours' way of hugging, without the actual hugging part, but it worked for both of you.

So, your training began three days later.

"Okay, now keep a nice, wide stance so that you have some free movement, kind of like a boxing stance, you know?" Inej instructed, nudging your foot back with hers to fix your position.

She then handed you a pair of knives, and said, "Now, hold the knives in a reverse grip," she showed you how, "And now I'll show you some basic defenses and attacks."

An hour passed, then another, and another, till you'd gotten the basic hang of how to use dual knives.

Unfortunately, you kept practising after she’d gone, and while trying another technique Inej had showed you, your left knife slipped and cut you clean across the forearm. It added to the numerous little nicks you had gotten in the past hour, but those didn’t burn as much as this one did.

"Ow!" you winced, placing the knives down carefully before running off to find Inej.

When the Wraith saw you with blood dripping down your forearm as well as the little cuts everywhere else, she spit out her coffee and gasped in shock, scolding you in rapid Suli.

“What did I tell you, you’re not skilled enough to practice unsupervised? This is what I was trying to prevent!” She exclaimed, as you held your bleeding arm out gingerly.

"I’m sorry, Auntie Nej, but please fix it, I want to try again!" You whined back in Suli, confusing Jesper, who’d walked in at that exact moment.

"No," said Inej, taking your arm and inspecting the cut. They were not all quite deep in your tender skin, but the one on your forearm was, so she naturally was worried. “Come with me, little crow.”

“Are we going to Auntie Nina?” You asked eagerly, loving the presence of the young Heartrender, who always had a tin of chocolate biscuits ready for you.

“No,” said Inej, “Only little crows who’ve not disobeyed my direct orders can go to Auntie Nina and her chocolate biscuits.” She took you by the uninsured arm to the bathroom, bathing the cut very lovingly but still scolding you all the same.

Nina had to resist the urge to laugh hysterically, when she walked in on a rapid torrent of Suli, one from Inej in a chiding tone, and one from you in a whiny, little-girl’s voice.

“You know, you’re patching her up so lovingly and scolding her so harshly, I think the she’s getting confused,” the Heartrender chuckled, letting you sit on her lap after Inej had cleaned all your cuts and had placed you on the rug. “Isn’t that right, little crow?”

You nodded and giggled at Inej’s shocked expression, before you leapt off Nina’s lap to try and make a run for it. You wanted to get back to training, but clearly neither woman wanted that to happen.

Nina was quick to catch you, and Inej went off to hide your knives till the next day.

“Auntie Nina,” you whined, “Let me go, please!”

Nina chuckled and shook her head, “If you get hurt again, little crow, you won’t be able to train for a long time. You don’t want that, do you?”

You gasped, absolutely horrified at the idea of not being able to do your new favourite thing.

Resisting the urge to laugh again at your reaction, Nina decided it would be a good idea to distract you, and take you for a snack at one of the stalls down the road.

However, she was suddenly called by Kaz, who needed her for something, so she left you in the care of Jesper and Wylan.

Both of them took you to a little tea shop for an evening snack, and it was a place you always went with either Nina or Jesper when you got hungry in the evenings.

“So, I hear you got hurt today, little crow,” chuckled Jesper, playing around with his guns, as your eyes stayed riveted on them.

“Did Auntie Nina tell everyone?!” You rolled your eyes, trying your best to look exasperated.

“I mean, the bandage is pretty prominent is all,” said Jesper. “Maybe you should stick to hand-to-hand combat.”

“Uncle Jes!” You gasped in annoyance, glaring at him while you stuffed another piece of apple pie in your mouth. To be honest, Jesper was like an annoying older brother. He was constantly bullying you, and never hesitated to rile you up.

Wylan patted your head and smiled, “Don’t listen to him. You know he loves to bully you.”

You simply huffed and glared at Jesper across the table, before talking animatedly with Wylan about how you could make a glitter bomb to prank Nina.

Later that evening, you were lounging on Katz’s bed, reading a storybook Wylan had given you, when you heard your favourite person’s cane hit the ground.

You completely forgot that no one had told Kaz about your little incident with the knives, so you were confused when his stern glare dropped to a look of concern as his eyes landed on your bandaged arm.

“What happened, little crow?” He asked, trying to keep the emotion in his voice to a minimum.

You frowned at him, confused, before he tapped gently above the bandage with his cane. “Oh,” you said, “That. I was trying out something new that Auntie Nej taught me, and the knife accidentally slipped.”

Kaz breathed a sigh of relief. Good that he didn’t have to beat up and/or kill any person who dared lay a hand on you. As much as he loved a good round of bloodshed, he was too tired to do it that day.

“So,” he said as you sat atop his bed comfortably, and he began to shuffle through some letters. “What all did you do today?”

“Well, I practiced a lot, and I went for a snack with Uncle Jes and Uncle Wylan. So that was pretty fun. Um…Auntie Nej scolded me cause of the getting hurt thing, but that’s okay. I learned a lot of new Suli words!” You narrated excitedly.

“You learned new words from a scolding?” Kaz asked in a mock-incredulous tone, but your little mind didn’t notice the mock part.

“Yep!” You grinned. “I had a lot of fun today.”

“That’s good to hear, little crow,” smiled Kaz. “It’s a little late, why don’t you go to sleep? I’ll change your bandage for you and then you can tack yourself in.”

“Okay,” you grinned, grabbing the medicine box from the cabinet carefully, and handing it to him. You then skipped over to the little bed Kaz had gotten made for you in the corner, not too far from his bed. You did have a constant need for one of the crows to be near you, which, in their opinion, was quite cute.

Kaz took a moment to compose himself, and took off his gloves, which made your eyes go wide.

“I can ask Auntie Nej to change my bandages!” You exclaimed.

“No, little crow,” said Kaz. “It’s been two years. I should be able to atleast make sure your wounds don’t get infected.”

“But you hate skin on skin contact!” You replied, keeping your arm away from him.

He laughed softly, pulling your arm close to him. He took a sharp breath in as he felt your tender skin on his bare hands, but shook the feeling away as he snipped away your bandage.

He redressed your wound and made sure it was tight enough before pulling on his gloves with a sigh of relief.

You leapt forward and hugged him, your head in his shoulder so that your hair tickled his neck, and your arms went around his torso.

He kept his arms stiffly at his sides, unable to think as to what to do if this happened. He appreciated your effort to keep close to zero contact directly to his skin, and so he settled for a gentle pat on your back.

Kaz then leaned over to tuck you in, and you reached to grab the book you’d been reading, shuffling around so that he could scoot the stool beside your bed to sit on, closer. He took the book and saw the cover. ‘Stories of Our Saints’, it read.

“Seems like Inej has you religiously influenced,” he sighed.

“I like the stories,” you said. “I don’t follow the religion as carefully as she does. She found it at a bookstore when she was in the Universi District! I think she stole it from there. It’s got the origin story of Sankta Alina!”

“Ah well,” he nodded, opening the book to where you’d marked it. It was a story of Sankta Neyar, the wielder of Neshyenyer. “Doesn’t hurt to read a chapter, I guess.”

He then began reading, trying to draw out the story and make you sleepy. He succeeded, for after he finished reading to you about Neyar fighting the clockwork army for three days and nights, he noticed you yawning.

“Time to sleep, little crow,” he said, closing the book.

“But you didn’t finish the story…” you whined, rubbing your eyes with your fists.

“We can finish the rest tomorrow,” he said, placing the book away. “Now, the only thing I want to see is you sleeping soundly, without reading by candlelight.”

You took his gloved hand in yours and gave it a squeeze, knowing he didn’t like skin-on-skin contact. He smiled a little at you and ruffled your hair, letting you snuggle into the blanket.

You held his finger for a moment too long, which gave him the sense that you wanted to ask him something.

“What’s the matter, little crow?” He asked.

“Will you be there for me whenever I get hurt?” You asked, e/c eyes wide with innocence.

“Of course,” said Kaz. “Always.”

“Without the gloves?” You asked.

He hesitated, but nevertheless nodded, “Without the gloves, my little crow.”

You smiled and let go of his hand, holding the crow stuffed animal Jesper and Wylan painstakingly stitched for you to your chest. Sleepy beyond belief, you didn’t register what happened, nor did you have control of the words which left your lips.

“Goodnight, Papa,” you said quietly, drifting off to sleep.

Kaz had to inhale deeply to stop himself from making any loud sound that would potentially wake you up, and settled for patting your head and whispering, “Goodnight, my little crow.”

Later on, of course, Inej was subject to an hour of him ranting to her about how he will forever protect your pure and precious soul from the cruelties of the world.

———

Hiii! It’s me, Anne! I hope you liked this post <3 please give it some love, thanks!!

[lady-a-stuff]

Nina and Inej being best friends forever throughout the duology

Nina crossed her arms. “I’m mad at you, too.” “Me? Why?” “I don’t know yet. I just am.” Inej gave Nina’s hand a brief squeeze, and after a moment, Nina squeezed back

Six of Crows - Chapter 6

“Who’s watching Inej?” “Rotty,” she said. “I’ll go back in a minute. I just needed some air. And don’t feign concern for Inej when you’re planning to send her climbing up six stories of chimney with only a rope and a prayer.” “The Wraith can manage it.” “The Wraith is a sixteen-year-old girl currently lying unconscious on a table. She may not even survive the night.”

Six of Crows - Chapter 15

“Talk,” she said to Nina. “Your eyelids are drooping. You should sleep.” “Don’t like boats. Bad memories.” “Me too.” “Sing something, then.” Nina laughed. “Remember what I said about wishing you were dead? You do not want me to sing.” “Please?” “I only know Ravkan folk tunes and Kerch drinking songs.” “Drinking song. Something rowdy, please.” Nina snorted. “Only for you, Wraith.

Six of Crows - Chapter 16

“Tell me something good anyway.” “It will be all right,” Inej said. “You’ll survive this. And then you’re going to be very, very rich. You’ll sing sea shanties and drinking songs nightly in an East Stave cabaret, and you’ll bribe everyone to give you standing ovations after every song.” Nina laughed softly. “Let’s buy the Menagerie.” Inej grinned, thinking of the future and her little ship. “Let’s buy it and burn it down.”

Six of Crows - Chapter 42

They watched the waves for a while. “Ready?” Nina said. Inej was glad she hadn’t had to ask.

Six of Crows - Chapter 42

But the days until Van Eck’s deadline were dwindling, and Matthias knew Nina would allow herself no comfort until Inej was safe.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 3

Nina would never let Kaz abandon her. She’d fight with everything she had to free Inej even if she was still in the grips of parem.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 4

She couldn’t afford to let it get the best of her, not when they were this close to rescuing Inej. Be all right, Nina willed silently, hoping her thoughts could somehow cut through the air, speed over the waters of the Ketterdam harbors, and reach her friend. Stay safe and whole and wait for us.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 6

She’d forced herself to think of the shame on the boat, the future she might be able to make with Matthias, but the thought that had brought her back to sanity was Inej. She owed Inej her life, and there was no way she was leaving her stranded with Van Eck.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 6

The five people inside rose, guns and fists raised, and Inej skidded to a halt. Nina shrieked, “Inej!” She flew across the room and crushed Inej in a tight hug. Then they were all around her at once, hugging her, clapping her on the back. Nina would not let go of her.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 11

“Those silos are nearly twenty stories high! Is Inej going to go up and down ten of them in one night?” “Just one,” said Kaz. “And then what?” said Nina, hands back on her hips and green eyes blazing. (...) (...) Nina threw her hands in the air. “And all of it without a net, I suppose?” “A Ghafa never performs with a net,” Inej said indignantly. “Does a Ghafa frequently perform twenty stories above cobblestones after being held prisoner for a week?” (...) "Inej, make a list of what you’ll need. We hit the silos in twenty-four hours.” “Absolutely not,” said Nina. “Inej needs to rest.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 11

"If I’m going to do this, I want us to get the rest of the Grisha out of the city.” “Forget it. I’m not running a charity for refugees.” “Then I’m out.” “Fine. You’re out. You’ll still get your share of the money for your work on the Ice Court job, but I don’t need you on this crew.” “No,” said Inej quietly. “But you need me.” Kaz rested his cane across his legs. “It seems everyone is forming alliances.” (...) “They’re called friendships, Kaz.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 11

She gave Nina’s shoulders a squeeze. “And I know no fiercer warrior, powers or not.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 17

And then Wylan knew just how much trouble they were in, because Nina hadn’t argued. She’d simply put her head in her hands and gone silent. “They’ll be all right,” said Inej, placing an arm around her shoulders. “He’ll be all right.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 23

Inej gave her a tight hug. “Come on,” she said. “We’ll get Colm to order us something decadent.” “That’s your answer for everything.” “You’re complaining?” Inej asked. “I’m stating one of the reasons I adore you.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 28

Kaz said, emerging from behind the wine crates. “Where’s Inej?” “I’m fine,” said Inej from behind him. “But Kuwei—” “You’re bleeding again,” Nina observed as she slid behind the high stacks of crates to join them. There was little traffic on the canal now, but it didn’t do to take chances. “And what happened to your eyes?” “I’d tell you to ask the White Blade, but…” Inej shrugged. “I hope she suffered.” “Nina.” “What? We can’t both be merciful and serene.”

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 39

They laid him down on the blanket. Nina sat beside him, saying nothing, his hand clutched in hers. Inej brought a shawl that she tucked over Nina’s arms, then crouched silently next to her, head nestled against her shoulder.

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 42

Inej placed her hands on Nina’s shoulders. “We’ll see each other again.” “Of course we will. You’ve saved my life. I’ve saved yours.” “I think you’re ahead on that count.” “No, I don’t mean in the big ways.” Nina’s eyes took them all in. “I mean the little rescues. (...)

Crooked Kingdom - Chapter 42

Wylan played the piano and Jesper sang the dirtiest sea shanty Inej had ever heard. She missed Nina painfully. There had been no letters, and she could only hope her friend had made it to Fjerda safely and found some peace on the ice.

[mery-cm99]

Vixen ~ Nikolai Lantsov (Chapter 6)

Masterlist

Description: Vixen is one of the Crows. Kaz saved her a long time ago. He’s the only one who knows the truth about Vixen. He’s the only one who knows her past, her secret. That’s until a certain privateer shows up in Ketterdam looking for a living Saint.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x fem!OC

Warnings: Mention of trauma, blood, war and sad stuff in general. English is not my first language, so sorry in advance for any grammar or spelling errors. The sign language used in this story is made up and does not correspond with any official one. The story is based on the series, not the books.

Rating: Teens and up

Chapter 6/6

Word Count: 1,722 words

Writer’s note: Ugh. This man has me on chokehold.

Last one in a while... (at list for this fic. If you want more OS from him or any other topic. Just ask :))

__________________________

Vixen was standing next to Kaz when Alina, Mal, Nina and Inej returned to the fort with the news that Kirigan was dead. So she saw firsthand how her boss's gaze was fixed on the Wraith. Vixen knew that there was something much stronger between the two of them than there was between two comrades. She had seen them look at each other that way on too many occasions. Vixen and Jesper had a bet to see which of them would confess first. She claimed it would be Inej.

Seeing that Kaz wasn't going to say anything, Vixen approached Inej when Jesper stopped hugging her excitedly. Inej gave her a smile which Vixen returned.

<<I'm glad to see you, Inej>> she assured, placing special emphasis on her name. It was formed by her thumb and forefinger crossed in the shape of a cross over her lips. Vixen was the one who decided the sign that represented the names and only the people most important to her were given the honor of having their own sign. Inej's was for her belief in the Saints. She was the reason Vixen still believed in them. That was why Inej hugged her when she saw her signing hers.

“Thank you. My country might have been sunk if you haven't arrived," Nikolai spoke, drawing the crows' attention. Vixen looked at him. He still had dried blood on one side of his face. His weight was not resting on his injured leg and there was blood on his left shoulder. He looked bad, but it could have been worse. If she hadn't created the whirlwind of water... She didn't want to think about it.

“We'll settle those thanks in gold," Kaz spoke, eliciting a sideways smile from the prince.

“Of course. And if any of you want to stay in Ravka. You're welcome," he added, looking at each one of them. Vixen felt his gaze burn into her as he turned it towards her. It was clear he meant her. She was the only one of the Crows -apart from Nina- who was ravkan.

Kaz nodded for all of them and the prince left with the help of Tamar and Tolya, not without the latter giving Vixen a smile and a nod. She returned it. She had ended up growing fond of the shu man after all.

“Are you going to stay or come back to ketterdam with us?” Kaz asked when the two of them were alone. He knew her well enough to know she was thinking about it.

“I don't know what to do, Kaz. The Crows are the best thing that has happened to me since I lost my parents. I am the way I am now because of you. But I'm a grisha. I have to understand what that means," she explained.

“Then you must stay. The Crows will always have a place for you. When you think it's time to come back.”

Vixen nodded. She wanted to hug him, or shake his hand, in a way to thank him, but she restrained herself, assuming it would not be to his liking.

“Thank you, Kaz," she said, signing his name. The Crows leader’s name was the index finger curved over her forehead. As if it were a hook that would draw out an idea. She had put it on for his brilliant mind. “For all you've done for me over the years.”

Kaz nodded. He didn't say anything, but Vixen didn't need him to.

The farewell with the rest of the crows was somewhat emotional. After three years and as much as she had avoided having ties in Ketterdam, Vixen had grown fond of them. The first one she said goodbye to was Jesper, who hugged her tightly.

“Now who's going to make fun of the rest of Ketterdam with me, and who am I going to gossip with about the rumors of the Barrel?” he complained, eliciting a giggle from the girl. “I'm going to miss you, Vix. Even when you barely spoke," Vixen smacked his arm, as usual. “And your punches. I'm going to miss you hitting me. I never thought I'd say that.”

<<I'm going to miss you too, Jesper>> She assured. His name was two guns firing.

“Who's going to defend me from the bullies now? I can't lose my guardian angel.”

Then she moved on to Wylan, who was standing next to the gunslinger and trying not to cry.

<<You don't need it, Wylan. You're stronger than you think>> she assured him, remarking the W of his name over her heart. Wylan hugged her tightly.

Inej offered her one of her knives.

“Remember me when you wield it. Though I hope you don't have to.”

Vixen pocketed the knife and handed Inej one of her daggers.

<<Keep it, until we meet again. And tell Tolya that I will never forget his words>> she asked. She had heard that Inej was leaving on Sturmhond's ship with Tolya, Tamar and Mal. The latter being the new Sturmhond now that Nikolai was the new king of Ravka.

When she reached Nina she used her voice, though she was still speaking by signs. The heartrender did not yet know the language.

“Get your man out of Hellgate. I'd like to go with you, but I have to learn to control my power first.”

“I will, Vixen. Thank you. “

She managed to hold back tears until she saw them board the ship back to Ketterdam. She hadn't finished understanding what it meant to stay there until she saw them leave without her. Now that she was back in Ravka, where her mother was more present, it was harder for her to keep Anya hidden. Vixen was the offspring of Silverfox. She was the result of mixing the world's greatest thief with a past full of pain and death. But Anya was her mother's daughter. She had a kind heart and a grisha power that she had to learn to control before someone got hurt because of it. And although they were two completely different versions, the girl had understood that she was both, and that she had to learn to combine them. So, when she could no longer see the crows on the horizon, she returned to the castle to talk to Zoya.

A couple of days later, on the morning of King Nikolai's coronation, Vixen was in the palace courtyards with Zoya. The Squaller was teaching her how to control her grisha power.

“Little science is just that, science. Water is the essence of life. It is in everything around us. You just have to feel at one with it," Zoya was saying as Vixen concentrated on controlling the whirlpool of water she had created. It was not too big, but it was more controllable that way.

The grisha's speech was cut off, which caught the girl's attention. Seeing who was approaching, Vixen lost all her concentration and the whirlwind came to a screeching halt, drenching Zoya and herself. The squaller gave her a nasty look, so Vixen shrugged, trying to hide a smile. Nikolai seemed to find it amusing, because by the time he reached them he was laughing.

“Classes are over for the day," Zoya declared, pulling on her soaked kefta. “Moi Tsar," she saluted with a bow before walking off and leaving them alone.

“Vixen. I didn't think you would consider my offer," Nikolai spoke. Vixen kept her gaze on the king's hands.

Although it had been a couple of days since everything had ended, she hadn't seen him since. Nikolai had been very busy with preparations for his coronation and reigning a country that was once again united. And she had spent most of her time with Zoya, Genya and Alina, learning everything the three grisha could teach her.

“Actually it’s Anya, Moi Tsar. Anya Makarov," she indicated with a small bow, accompanied by signs out of habit.

It was the first time he had heard her speak, and Nikolai was captivated by her voice. That's why it took him a moment to understand her words. Vixen dared to look at him and saw the moment when Nikolai understood the truth.

“You are the daughter of Sonya Makarov, the old king's official Tidemaker," he guessed aloud. Vixen nodded.

Nikolai tried to remember everything he knew about the woman. He was barely twelve when the woman had left the palace. But he remembered the conmotion when they realized that the grisha had fled the country with her husband and daughter. The king had felt deeply betrayed and had sent a group of grisha, Heartrenders, to track her down and capture her. Nikolai had never heard the end of the story, but he could guess from what Tolya had told him: Vixen had confessed to him that Heartrenders had killed her mother.

“I'm deeply sorry, Anya. I had no idea," he apologized sincerely. Vixen felt heat flood her cheeks as she heard him refer to her by her real name. It was the first time anyone had used it in far too long. And she had to admit it sounded very sweet in his voice.

“Don't apologise, Moi Tsar. It wasn't your fault," she assured.

“Call me Nikolai, please," he asked, a little uncomfortable with the fact that the girl kept referring to him that way, as if he was an unreachable being. “Why do you prefer to use sign language instead of speaking with your voice?” he asked curiously. He had been wondering that since Tolya had told him that she was indeed not mute.

“My father was deaf, so I learned sign language when I was very young. When my mother died I only communicated with him, so I stopped relying on my voice and got used to using my hands. I guess after he died too I kept up the habit so I didn't lose him altogether.”

“A deaf thief. I've never heard anything like that before. And a very good one, if I’m well informed" the blond man commented in amusement. Vixen let a small smile break out on her lips. Nikolai thought it was the prettiest one he had ever seen. Maybe because it was the first one he'd get from the girl, like seeing the sun after hundreds of years hidden in the Fold.

____________________

I really want to continue with the story. I love Vixen and how her character has turned out. But there is no more content with the series and I haven't read the books (yet). I had thought about continuing on my own, moving away from canon. What do you think? Maybe I'll do single chapters without continuity between them so I don't stray too far from the canon. Leave me feedback in the coments, please.

Taglist:

1.@going-through-shit

[aroyalpaininthecass]

I love Kanej more than any ship in like, pretty much the last 10 years or something. I love them SM up until this ONE THING.

As an Aro-Ace person, I absolutely feel that pain and rejection on Kaz's behalf when after Kaz makes his confession, Inej responds with something like "So how will you have me? Clothes on?"

And while I understand it's symbolic, because the clothes/gloves is his coping mechanism for the trauma he still has to work through, it hurts ME because it feels like, oh, she won't consider this a relationship unless they fuck. Maybe if not now, because clearly she isn't ready for that either, but the expectation being set for definitely it needs to get there, eventually.

In context, to digest this a bit better, I read into Inej's narrative a bit. Like, okay, being forcibly sold into prostitution. Physicality is all she's ever understood, maybe. Like, maybe she needs to experience sex with someone who actually loves her to redeem herself. Which makes sense if you think about it being like how we are all conditioned to understand relationships being just that, physical.

But that also doesn't make sense when you break it down to brass tacks. Like, prostitution was a highly damaging thing, outlined in the book for what made it both physically and emotionally traumatizing. And, during her hallucination in the show, her fantasy was intimate in nature, but not necessarily romantic - what made it comforting for her was all because Hallucination!Kaz put her in control of the situation (almost to a fault, barely participating when she considered kissing him) when asking for permission even to just hug her.

So on one hand, I understand why Kaz needs to work through the trauma as that is certainly not healthy to keep living with, but on the other I REALLY don't like reading into it as, "physicality is the only healthy conclusion to his development/way to show he's finally healed."

And as for Inej, maybe it could be good for her too, to accept that a relationship with someone who respects her is just as, if not more important, than a any physical one. Maybe that will be her development, too.

Leigh Bardugo, when asked, did say she didn't want to write another Six of Crows story. Maybe because coming up with an ending to this conflict would most definitely piss SOMEONE off, no matter what she chose.

I know I'm really biased, but I think that's the ending to the ship that would please me the most, though.

[vole-mon-amour]

2x04 (sorry for no cut but i need to be able to see the entire post on my blog for certain reasons)

That's my kind of gal.

Why is Nikolai being called Sobachka aka a doggy?

THEY'RE DOING IT???? AHHHH!!! I dislike how they're rushing through CK, but god, it's one of the greatest moments in the book! This makes me smile.

"To all of that", including "Yes, I can't do this without you." That's why I ship them. Jesper is so easygoing. He UNDERSTANDS Kaz. What they share is so special. Jesper wouldn't mind big words, but he'll do just fine without them. I can't stress enough how much he loves him & how it's mutual.

The fact that Jesper fucked up the entire thing in the book, and Kaz didn't say him a word until his patience reached it's absolute limit. Even the physical fight they had in Ck until Colm stopped them. How they brushed it off and continued with their lives, their plan, their relationship.

I just love them SO much. I wouldn't change these two for any other ship in this universe. If I was asked to choose just one ship, they'd be the one.

"Among them, it passed for good luck." <3

NINA. LMAOOO. Honestly, only she can do that. Which is a bit brutal, but also... She knows her worth and he allows her. But also, that woman is loyal and smart. They'll get there eventually.

I really like the scene where David explains to Alina how it all happened. What Darkling has now and how dangerous it is. As it turns out, I just dislike him near Darkling, but overall he seems to be an alright kind of guy.

Me: This is my fav character. Also me: Aww, poor baby suffering. He looks so good while at it.

To be fair, I do have a 'I love me some traumatized characters' tag, after all.

You already did, asshole. Honestly, the fact that he doesn't remember, just like in the book. I can't wait for Kaz's revenge. Get him, my love.

Which also teaches you what? Never trust Pekka fucking Rollins. He'll destroy you and have no regret whatsoever.

(whispers) he's so hot while he's at it. It's so much easier watching the show knowing the books, bc otherwise i'd completely lose my mind over this.

I love him, your honor. The flashback fits so well. The revenge is so sweet when boiling like that. I'm gonna enjoy Rollins' fall.

My booy. <3

"The trick is not to love anything." Because Pekka Rollins once killed what Kaz loved the most. His brother. Yeeeah.

"You'll never find your son in time." I'm a bit disappointed. They wasted the masquerade, the pushed this iconic line from near the end of CK in the middle of the season. What are they doing?

That iconic line, though:

"I want you to remember."

I also find this as a very interesting choice. In the book Inej witnessed Kaz saying that. In here it's Nina and Jesper, which also gives them an understanding of what's going on and what Kaz Brekker really is. I can't say I can complain. It's a smart move. And they nailed this. Even though too early, they nailed this.

I know Kaz wouldn't appreciate a hug, so I'd like to sit next to him and be there for him. And this is the scene that made me want to cry. Oh, Kaz. I love him with all my heart. What a character.

That smile. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. ;_; Yeah, crying now. Also, the fact that Nina looks back at Jesper, asking if it's the right time and Jesper shakes his head. I'm not tired to say that Jesper knows him.

;______; I'm giving this episode 10/10 just for this entire scene. Losing it, besties.

I'm gonna need so many fics after this episode. Fics that address Jesper's feelings of hearing Kaz's story. I'm gonna need Kaz to call Jesper Jordie. I'm gonna need all of that.

Jesper: "I like the chaos. The gamble of Barrel life. Never knowing what comes next." Sooo... you like Kaz. :) Also, I remember people talking about this before (during the books), but isn't it suspicious that Jesper likes Wylan for this reason? Because it very much screams Kaz. VERY much. So again, if Kaz was more available... Kazper is canon, one way or another. So much to explore tbh. I'm full of inspiration again (and I haven't even finished my previous 3 wips :)))

Also, the way Jesper easily goes for a quickie with Wylan, which basically means he'd fuck Kaz if he could. Because all the traits show!Wylan has, it's all (and more) in Kaz already. And Jesper knew Kaz for years, so I think the conclusion is very logical.

I'm not giving this 10/10 bc of how they ruined Wesper. But. This was a very long, but a very good episode. So much important information. I even watched parts with Alina and Nikolai, which is VERY rare for me. I'm usually not interested in that part of the show at all.

This is so far my fav episode, but I'm really disappointed that there was no That Iconic Masquerade Line.

[lunarthecorvus]

You said you’ve read multiple fics where Wylan and Kaz’s moms were friends, can I get the links?

Kaz Brekker's Mother's & Marya Hendriks fanfiction recommendations

part of Lunar's soc fanficiton rec series

-------------------------------✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧----------------------------------

blood of my blood by @garbagef4iry

Wordcount: 9,332 Chapters: 9/9

Characters: Kaz Brekker's Father, Kaz Brekker's Mother, Original Characters, Marya Hendriks, Jan Van Eck, Kaz Brekker

Tags: Women’s Rights Movement, city girl x country boy, Misogyny, Badass Women, mentions of abuse and violence, late victorian england vibes, Prequel

Author's summary/notes: As Kaz struggles in his confidence with becoming a father, he yearns for his own. For both of his parents. This is the story of his mother and father— Wilhelmina Trapp and Abram Rietveld. My summary/notes: I love this fic so much. You have badass women fighting for the women's right movement, I'm obbsessed with Kaz's mum in this, and it has Anika's parents?! Also Marya my beloved <3 and how she ended up where she did + so many other original characters

---------- ☾₊ ⊹

Keeping Me Alive by @martinakl13

Wordcount: 510,662 Chapters: 175/?

Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Nina Zenik, Matthias Helvar, Jesper Fahey, Wylan Van Eck, Jan Van Eck, Marya Hendriks, Anika Imogen, Alys Van Eck, Inej Ghafa's Mother, Original Characters, Jakob Hertzoon, Inej Ghafa's Father, Jordie Rietveld, Specht, Per Haskell, Jarl Brum, Pim, Keeg, Roeder, Tante Heleen, Pekka Rollins, Colm Fahey, Asha, Hanzi, Big Bolliger, Oomen, Hanne Brum, Saskia Rollins, Kaz Brekker's Father (Mentioned), Kaz Brekker's Mother (mentioned), Matthias Helvar's Sister, Matthias Helvar's Father, Matthias Helvar's Mother, Genya Safin, Reyem Yul-Kaat, Nikolai Lantsov, Zoya Nazyalensky

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Sports, Alternate Universe - Ballet, Gambling, Dyslexia, Trauma, Violence, Past Child Abuse, Mixed Martial Arts, Past Character Death, Touch-Averse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Swearing, Implied/Referenced Sex, Alcohol, Hacking, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Slow Burn, Jordie Rietveld Lives, Soft Inej Ghafa, Soft Kaz Brekker, Drug Use, Depression, Kaz Brekker Needs a Hug, Mutual Pining, Inej Ghafa Needs a Hug, Eating Disorders, Drug Addiction, Survivor Guilt

Author's summary/notes: A boy who lost everything and is still fighting for his chance at a better life. A ballerina who wants to make her dream come true. A soldier running away from a terrible truth. A multilingual girl, abandoned by her own family, trying to find her place in a world. A talented musician who struggles to overcome his father's prejudice and mistrust. A boy who solves his problems by making bad decisions. Six students of University of Ketterdam deal with their past and traumas to find love, understanding and friendship. My summary/notes: I have recommended this fic before so I won't add any new notes but although it is only in the background they do speak about Marya and Kaz's mothers shared past friendship. Also, Martina is so sweet and such a great author with so many other soc fics so go check them out

you'll get the green light (and i'll get the old door in the face) by @honeii-puff

Wordcount: 698 Chapters: 1/1

Characters: Kaz Brekker, Marya Hendriks, Wylan Van Eck (Mentioned), Alys Van Eck (mentioned), Plumje Van Eck (mentioned), Jesper Fahey (Mentioned), Kaz's Father (mentioned), Kaz's Mother (mentioned),

Tags: no beta, Title from Problems (Mother Mother)

Author's summary/notes: In which Mayra Hendriks invites Kaz Brekker for tea twice, and one time he accepts My summary/notes: I know this fic is short and only talks a bit about it, I still think its sweet and is great ground to think about the friendship more.

These are the only fics I can find now, I will keep on the look for the others, and if anyone has a fic with this friendship feel free to let me know and I'll read it and rec it <3