#just thinking about thomas being attentive and picking up on alastair’s feelings is gonna make me emotional- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shadowhuntertrash · 3 years

Text

High Notes

Chapter Twelve

characters belong to Cassandra Clare

song: i won't let go by rascal flatts

It didn’t take them long to get there. Thomas smiled widely at the sign before turning his excited expression to Alastair and hitting his arm lightly and he shifted restlessly in his seat. “I love the zoo.” He said and it came out a little breathless which made both of them laugh as Alastair bent over Thomas to grab something in the glove compartment.

"I know you do, Lucie told me a while ago.” Alastair answered easily. Thomas couldn’t help but wonder how long ago Lucie told him that and how he remembered. Alastair passed him a hat and sunglasses and Thomas threw him a grateful smile. “Thanks. I honestly hate going out in public sometimes.” He said with a laugh as he put the hat on, which didn’t help conceal much but anything was better than nothing.

He slid the sunglasses on and wiggled his eyebrows at Alastair who laughed and put his own on. Thomas hesitated before getting out of the car cursing his height quietly because if he was being honest it was a dead giveaway.

Thomas didn’t realize he had spoken loud enough for Alastair to hear but after a moment Alastair had his door open and was standing in front of him with a silly grin on his face. “I love your height. It compliments mine, plus you’re the perfect height to hug and I love it.” Thomas laughed and his automatic response was to hug him tightly but he held himself back, the effort left his stomach hurting.

Alastair gave him a knowing smile that was soft around the edges before stepping back so Thomas could get out of the car. Thomas stretched as he got out and reveled in the way Alastair’s eyes immediately went to the strip of skin that was showing. He smirked, glad he wasn’t the only one who did that.

The zoo was relatively busy but Thomas had seen worse. A teenager was working the front desk, maybe three or four years younger than them, a safari hat on her head which contrasted drastically with the unimpressed look on her face.

“Welcome to the zoo,” The girl said, her voice monotone. She looked as if she didn’t want to be there at all. She looked up from her nails and took a double-take when she saw the men standing in front of her, her mouth falling open slightly as she straightened hastily. “I-I, I mean you’re-” She cut off again as if she simply couldn’t imagine they were there.

Alastair laughed and smiled at her charmingly as Thomas did the same. “What’s your name?” Thomas asked kindly, her hazel eyes turned to him, her pupils widening slightly. “M-Maribelle.” She said, her voice quiet and full of a sort of wonder that made Thomas happy and uncomfortable at the same time.

“Well, Maribelle, may we have two tickets? And if you don’t mind, if anyone asks about us just say you didn’t see us.” Alastair said with a wink but Thomas could see the tension in the way his shoulders were set. Thomas wanted to reach out to him but kept his hands at his sides and flashed Maribelle the most convincing smile he could muster under the circumstances.

Maribelle hurriedly pulled out three tickets and all but shoved them into Alastair’s hands. “Can you sign the third ticket?” She said, her voice still sounded dazed and excited. Alastair laughed quietly and nodded as he signed his name passing the small paper to Thomas who shook his head and laughed suddenly self-conscious. After all, she hadn’t asked for his she’d asked for Alastair’s which made sense because everyone liked Alastair and there weren’t many people who liked Thomas.

Alastair gave him an odd look, the beginning of a frown dancing around his lips. He looked like he was about to say something when Maribelle cut in with a dreamy sigh. “Oh please? I would love to have yours too.” Thomas smoothed his face in an attempt to hide his shock and smiled pleasantly.

“Alright.” He said softly before signing his name quickly. He handed the spare ticket back to Maribelle with a smile. “Thank you very much.” He said and Alastair nodded along. Maribelle smiled widely and nodded a little too fast. “Of course, thank you so much for signing this.” She said excitedly as she waved the ticket around before stuffing it in her pocket. Thomas and Alastair laughed and waved as they headed inside.

Thomas had always loved the zoo because there was something about the smell and the atmosphere that brought back memories of going to the zoo with his family. They hadn’t been in quite a long time but Thomas couldn’t help the wave of peacefulness that washed over him when they stepped up to the large map that told them where all the animals were.

“Where are we going first?” Alastair asked his eyes falling on Thomas with an excited smile. Thomas looked over the map and his eyes fell on the giraffes. “Come on, come on, come on.” Thomas mumbled dragging Alastair by the wrist to the giraffes.

Alastair laughed and let himself be dragged. They stopped when they finally got to the large animals. Thomas had his head tilted back as he smiled widely at the animals. He’d always loved giraffes, he didn’t know why but he absolutely adored them. He turned to Alastair and started talking before he could think better of it.

“Did you know giraffes are the tallest mammals on earth? Their legs alone are taller than most people, isn’t that weird? They can move as fast as thirty miles per hour but they make it seem so smooth, it’s insane.” Thomas couldn’t keep the wonder out of his voice. “Have you ever seen giraffes drink water from the ground?” He turned to Alastair with a laugh. “Their necks are too long to reach the ground and so they have to do this awkward leg bend thing to reach the ground.”

Thomas opened his mouth to say more but Alastair was looking at him with a small smile that made him instantly realize he was rambling. He blushed a deep red and looked away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rant.” He said determined to keep quiet because this was the first date and Thomas had to go on and rant about giraffes out of everything.

Alastair’s eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head quickly. “No, no you’re totally fine. It was cute, I didn’t realize you knew so much about giraffes.” Thomas blushed again and let out an awkward laugh.

Alastair frowned. “Thomas, I really don’t mind. I like when you ramble, your face lights up and you get this smile that’s so open.” Alastair’s cheeks darkened and Thomas couldn’t hold back the smile that broke through at Alastair’s words. “I like it.” He finished lamely. Thomas laughed quietly and smiled tentatively at him.

They went to the lions next and laughed at the lioness who was trying to hunt the zebras in the exhibit next to her. Kids were squealing all over the place as she attacked the glass the large wall that separated her from the zebra.

Alastair picked a few more spots and they had seen five exhibits by the time Thomas turned around to see a group of about five teenaged girls walking over to them.

Damn.

He put on a rather forced smile and waved. The girl’s whispers turned to squeals and they came up closer to Alastair and Thomas. “Hello.” Alastair said and Thomas had to admit he seemed a lot more sincere in his excitement to meet fans.

Thomas had always felt bad about the fact that he wasn’t as open or excited to see fans. He was forever grateful to all of them because he wouldn’t be who he was now without their love and support but every time he met one he couldn’t help the doubt and anxiety that crept in.

Alastair moved towards the girls and Thomas followed him like a lost puppy, an awkward mix of trying to hide behind Alastair and being cursed with giant genes that didn’t let him hide behind anything.

The girls asked for a quick picture which lead to pulling the attention of a few onlookers who also asked for pictures. Suddenly there were way too many people here.

Thomas could feel his stomach begin to drop and his hands get clammy. His smile was starting to fall and everyone was standing a little too close. Thomas cursed silently and looked over to find Alastair but felt another shock of anxiety spike through him when he realized he wasn’t anywhere in sight. His body was shaking and he couldn’t breathe properly.

No, no, no, no. Not here.

Thomas wasn’t aware of much other than the distinct lack of Alastair. He was spinning around trying to find him but his vision was blurry and there wasn’t much he could do to fight the dimming of his sight.

People were trying to talk to him but their words didn’t make sense. Why were there so many people?

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and someone’s face was too close. He stumbled backward, too aware of the awkward way he was walking and everyone’s eyes on him but unable to do anything.

There was another hand on his shoulder and he flinched away from it. Tears were falling down his face and he was mortally embarrassed which only made everything so much worse.

“Hey, Thomas, hey. Listen to my voice, you’re okay. It’s just me. It’s Alastair. You’re okay.” Thomas’s mind didn’t register anything he said other than Alastair.

Alastair, Alastair, Alastair.

“Thomas, I have to touch you for a minute but I’ll stop soon, okay? I promise.” Thomas tensed when a light weight landed on the small of his back. Alastair was taking him somewhere but he was too far gone to care where or what was happening.

After an undetermined amount of time, Thomas was being lowered to the ground and Alastair’s face was in front of him. “Hey, Thomas you have to slow your breathing.” Alastair was talking calmly but Thomas could see the panic in his eyes.

Thomas felt laughter bubble up in his chest and he laughed harshly. He probably sounded insane but he couldn’t stop. His tears were choking the laughter but he couldn’t stop. Alastair looked alarmed and he made a move to reach out to Thomas before remembering himself and pulling his hands back.

A whimper slipped out of Thomas’s mouth as he reached blindly for Alastair who gripped his hands tightly. “Okay, Thomas. We’re gonna breathe, in and out.” Alastair exaggerated his breathing for Thomas and brought Thomas’s hand up to his chest.

Thomas tried to follow his movements but after what felt like hours with nothing getting better he sobbed harder and gripped Alastair’s shirt loosely. “I can’t- I can’t breathe.” Alastair made a distressed noise and pulled Thomas fully into his arms.

Thomas curled into him slightly when the initial shock of someone holding him wore off. Thomas wrapped his arms around Alastair’s waist and rested his forehead against Alastair’s neck. Alastair ran his hands through Thomas’s hair.

“You’re okay, sweetheart.” He said softly, kissing Thomas’s head softly. Thomas made a small sound and relaxed slightly into Alastair who had started singing softly. Thomas couldn’t exactly explain why Alastair calling him ‘sweetheart’ made him feel so calm but it was oddly reassuring.

Alastair starting singing words softly as he continued to run his fingers through Thomas’s hair.

It's like a storm

That cuts a path

It breaks your will

It feels like that

You think you're lost

But you’re not lost on your own

You're not alone

Thomas could feel his breaths evening out and his heart that had been racing was now slowing down to an almost normal speed.

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

If you can't cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let go

Thomas almost laughed at how emotional this song was making him. His eyes were burning and this time it wasn’t from lack of oxygen.

It hurts my heart

To see you cry

I know it's dark

This part of life

Oh it finds us all (finds us all)

And we're too small

To stop the rain

Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

And you can't cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall

Thomas found Alastair’s hand and held it tightly as he buried his face in Alastair’s neck. The after-effects of the panic attack were making him tired and his head felt weird but he just relaxed further into Alastair’s arms when he felt the hold on him tighten.

Don't be afraid to fall

I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down

It won't get you down

You're gonna make it

Yeah I know you can make it

'Cause I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

And you can't cope

And I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you

And I won't let go

Won't let you go

No, I won't

When Alastair stopped singing it was silent for a few minutes until Alastair’s hands stilled in his hair and he felt Alastair’s head drop to his. “You okay?” He asked quietly. Thomas couldn’t find his voice quite yet so he just nodded.

Thomas was mortified because not only had he just had another panic attack in front of Alastair but he had ruined their first date with it. Their date. The zoo.

The zoo.

He jerked away and looked around wildly trying to decipher where they were and if there were people. He felt a light weight on his chin and let Alastair guide his gaze back to him. “You’re okay, we’re in a bathroom but it’s closed so there’s no one here. It’s just us. You’re okay, love.” Thomas found himself nodding because even when he was panicking he trusted Alastair.

Alastair held his eyes for a few moments before he sighed and pulled Thomas back in for another hug. “You scared me.” He said quietly. Thomas flinched slightly and closed his eyes tightly.

He felt awful for scaring Alastair, he hadn’t meant to. This time it was Thomas who ran his fingers through Alastair’s hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mea-” He was cut off by Alastair leaning back with a frown.

“God no, that’s not- Don’t apologize. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just meant that was worse than usual.” Thomas looked away from Alastair, a sick feeling in his gut.

Worse than usual. Than usual.

He felt weak. Like he wasn’t in control when that’s the only thing he wanted. He needed to have control of certain situations but here he was unable to control himself. He hated how this could happen at any minute. How he could be so happy one minute, and the next he felt like he was dying.

He felt shame wash over him. He was weak. He was weak and he didn’t deserve Alastair nor did Alastair deserve to have to put up with his constant anxiety.

Shit, shit, shit.

Thomas was yanked out of his spiral of self-depreciation when he felt warm lips on his. Alastair kissed like he did everything, gracefully and with care. Thomas brought his hand up to cup Alastair’s cheek as he deepened the kiss. He had no doubt that Alastair had kissed him to bring him out of his head and he appreciated it more than he would ever know.

Alastair’s hands were in his hair, pulling lightly as his tongue collided with Thomas’s. It was rougher than their other kisses but Thomas found he didn’t mind it all that much. When they finally pulled back, both panting lightly with their foreheads pressed together Thomas smiled at him.

Alastair smiled back, his hands were still woven into Thomas’s hair. “Be my boyfriend?” Thomas couldn’t help the laugh that escaped but quickly cut it off when a flicker of uncertainty crossed Alastair’s face.

“I would love to but are you sure?” Thomas asked quietly, his eyes falling shut so he didn’t have to look at Alastair who made a confused sound and lifted a hand to Thomas’s face. “I just mean- didn’t I ruin the date? We were only here for thirty minutes and then I had a panic attack and ruined everything. Are you sure you want to go out with me?”

It was silent for a minute and Thomas felt a jolt of fear go through him at the thought of Alastair changing his mind even though he had been the one to point out why he shouldn’t. Thomas couldn’t blame him if he did change his mind.

Eventually, Alastair pulled away and started talking. “Thomas, look at me.” He reluctantly opened his eyes again to see a fierce look on Alastair’s face. “First and foremost, I very much want to be your boyfriend. These panic attacks are a part of you and that’s okay. I’m not going to leave just because you have anxiety, Thomas. It was my fault anyway, I should have picked somewhere with fewer people. I set it off, I’m sorry.”

Thomas stared at him for a long time before shaking his head with a goofy smile. “Alastair Carstairs you sure are one of a kind. That was not your fault, there were just too many people. How would you know that would set me off, cariño?"

“Oh, that slipped out. Just-just ignore that.” Alastair made a tsk sound and shook his head. “Oh, no no. What does it mean?” Thomas blushed and brought his hands up to cover his face. “Kind of- well like the Spanish version of dear?” Thomas said awkwardly. Alastair raised his eyebrow with an amused quirk of his lip. “Is that a question or an answer?” Thomas blushed further but his laugh contradicted his embarrassment.

A smile crept up on Alastair’s face, one Thomas had never seen before. It could only be described as soft. “What did you just call me?” Thomas’s eyebrows came together as he thought, not really remembering. “Umm, Alastair?” He laughed and shook his head before attempting in a terrible Spanish accent, "Cariño?" Thomas blushed and laughed nervously.

Alastair stood up and stretched before reaching a hand down to Thomas. Alastair didn’t let go of his hand when he stood up like Thomas thought, instead he used it to bring Thomas closer to him. Alastair rested his head on his chest and Thomas smiled contently as he brought his hands up to run his fingers through the dark boy's hair.

Alastair pulled away from him with a devious smile. “Boyfriends then?” Thomas rolled his eyes but he was hit with a feeling so big that it almost hurt. It took him a minute to recognize it but when he did he tightened his hold on Alastair, Alastair Carstairs, his boyfriend. He could definitely get used to that.

Thomas used his finger to tip Alastair’s head up. “Boyfriends.” He said quietly.

They were both smiling when their lips met.

tag list: @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd (please let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for new chapters <3)

#high notes #high notes: chapter twelve #thomas and alastair #thomas x alastair #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #fluff #dates

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shadowhuntertrash · 4 years

Text

High Notes

Relationships:

Thomas x Alastair

Matthew x James

Background Lucie x Jesse

Obviously Cassandra Clare owns characters and everything.

Chapter Five

Thomas thought he might die if he had to sing the same songs one more time today. Cordelia and Lucie had gone to practice in a studio a floor above them and Alastair had gone to rehearse for about an hour before he was whisked away for his first pop up concert at a bar about ten minutes away.

The boys were currently taking a break. Christopher was drinking from his half empty water bottle and Matthew was sitting on a wooden stool talking animatedly about the tour to James who was listening with a wide smile.

Thomas looked down at his guitar and opened his song book. He flipped to the page where he had written the song about Alastair. He hadn’t given it a name yet but he started messing with some chords until he had a short song. He started strumming softly and singing under his breath.

And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me?

And when you're awake, do you think of me?

I need to know, how do you feel?

Cause baby when I sleep, I dream of you

And when I'm awake, that's all I do

Think about every detail you have

Do you notice when I get mad, I clench my jaw?

Do you notice when I get sad, I tend to fall?

Look at my words I say to you

Cause I notice when you get mad

You close your eyes

And I notice when you are sad

You let out sighs

I need to know are those sighs ever over me?

Do you know how in love with you

I am

Do you see how in love with you

I am

Everything that you do, it makes my heart stop

Oh, it stops

And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me?

Thomas stops strumming and leans over to write some notes in his notebook. He always teaked chords about twenty times before he was happy with it. He had managed to capture his feelings about Alastair through the lyrics. How he noticed all the small things that Alastair did and how he hoped Alastair did the same things.

How Alastair had the innate ability to make his heart stop when he came near him, or how ninety percent of his dreams revolved around him. Thomas didn’t realize he was smiling brightly until James spoke up. “Thomas, did you write that about Alastair?”

Thomas looked up and blushed. “Um, yeah. It’s not very good and it’s kinda short so we don’t have to play it or anything obviously I was just messing around.” Matthew rolled his eyes before saying, more exasperated than anything Thomas had heard him say before, “Tommy, we love all of your songs you know this. Stop being self conscious about them, they're amazing.” Tomas blushed again and laughed nervously.

“Thomas,” Christopher said and everyone looked over at him. He was looking at Thomas with a calculating expression. “What if you sang that at one of our concerts? It doesn’t have to be the first one or anything, but one it would change things up, and two, our fans have never heard you sing. They would lose their minds.” James and Matthew’s faces light up. “Oh my god yes! That’s perfect Thomas you have to!” James said excitedly.

“I could play the piano for it! Thomas it would be perfect!” Thomas was a blushing stuttering mess at this point. “Are you guys kidding? No! I would freeze in front of everyone! Not to mention Alastair would be there and I wrote it for him and I do not by any means want him to hear it!” The other boys groan and Christopher gives him a pointed look.

“Just think about it.” Thomas sighed. “Kit-” Christopher shook his head. “No, I’m serious. Promise us you’ll think about it.” Thomas looked at all of them. Each of them wearing a desperate expression. Thomas threw his head back and groaned loudly. “Fine. I’ll think about it, but no promises guys.” They all smile at him.

“Yes!” Kit said excitedly. Matthew and James high five and Thomas rolls his eyes. Matthew turns to him expectantly. “Do you have any other new songs Thomas?” Thomas nods his head and picks up his notebook again, this time tossing it to Matthew. He was protective of his songwriting journal but he didn’t mind it those three looked at it.

“What if we learned some songs and performed a new one every concert?” James asked and Matthew tapped the side of his noise. Thomas laughed, those two and their same thought process could be damned.

Thomas shrugged. “I don’t care, we can do that if you want.” The boys all nod and Matthew smiles. “I’m gonna go make some copies of this so James and Christopher can read it.” Matthew says standing up. Thomas nods. “Knock yourself out.” He said plucking the song again.

Matthew came back five minutes later. “Ya know Thomas, I have a really good feeling about these songs. The lyrics are all so good.” Thomas laughed. “Thanks, let’s get started.” And with that, they go back to rehearsing.

They met up with the girls for lunch after about around two more hours of practicing. Lucie was beaming speaking quickly, the way she always did when she was excited. Matthew and Cordelia were listening with rapt attention. James, Christopher, and Thomas were talking about songs. Christopher and James were pestering Thomas about singing again.

“What are you talking about?” Lucie said, abruptly turning her, Matthew, and Cordelia’s attention to the other three. “Thomas has a few songs that are really good that we want him to sing on tour with us but he’s ‘considering’ it.” Christopher said, using air quotations to emphasize that Thomas was not, in fact, considering it.

“Oh I think you should.” A deep voice said from behind him. Thomas turned to look at Alastair as he slumped into the chair next to him. He had a huge smile on and was practically radiating energy. Thomas bumped his shoulder with his own, “How was the show?”

Alastair’s smile was blinding. “It was so amazing. I’d almost forgotten how it felt. Everyone was screaming, singing, jumping. Surprisingly a lot of people knew about me and the word spread fast.” Alastair laughed and Thomas smiled at him. He loved when Alastair was excited. He so rarely saw it.

“But really Thomas, you should sing at the concerts. The fans would go nuts.” Thomas groaned at the return of the conversation he didn’t want to have. “Maybe they would but they all love Matthew and I don’t want them to be disappointed that he isn’t singing.” Matthew rolled his eyes and reached over the table to flick Thomas’ forehead from the spot across from him. Thomas huffed and rubbed his forehead.

“They aren’t going to be disappointed Tom. Your new songs are really good, and you have an amazing voice. If anything they’ll ask you to sing more.” Matthew said glaring at Thomas, daring him with a look to contradict him again. Alastair turned to Thomas, “New songs?” He asked quietly. Thomas just nodded glaring down at his salad.

“What are they about.” Alastair asked innocently, blissfully unaware of how strongly that affected Thomas. Thomas’ face caught fire and he made a sheepish sound. “Umm, I mean, a bunch of different things I guess. One’s about my sister, a few about a guy. I don’t know different things I guess.”

Thomas looks up to wide eyes and is momentarily confused until he realizes what he just said. He was about to stutter out an excuse when Alastair tilts his head and looks at him contemplatively. “You’re gay?” Thomas groans and puts his head in his hands, sliding down in his seat as far as he could. It didn’t help hide his face though, not with his too tall frame.

“That slipped out, kindly ignore that.” Alastair laughed and shook his head. “No way am I ignoring that but I won’t bring it up.” He said emphasizing it with a wink that made Thomas want the floor to swallow him whole. Thomas felt like his whole body was hot. “You’re not telling anyone.” Matthew said with a hint of threatening finality in his voice. Alastair looked at Matthew annoyed, “Obviously Fairchild. I’m not going to out him.” Matthew just rolled his eyes and slumped against James who was currently looking at something on his phone.

Alastair turned back to Thomas about to say something when James made an alarmed sound before proceeding to choke on his sandwich. Matthew turned around looking at him concerned before hitting his back roughly. James stopped choking and grabbed the water Lucie was offering him. “Jesus Jamie are you okay?” Matthew asked concern in his voice. James ignored him and glared at Thomas.

“Thomas Lightwood how dare you not tell us!” Everyone looked at Thomas confused and he stared at James in equal confusion. “Excuse me?” Thomas asked uncomfortably. What had he not told them? James’ eyes narrowed further. “You’re sister! Barbara? Anything you wish to share?” Thomas barked a laugh rolling his eyes. “James, she wanted to tell people.” James stuck his tongue out. “That doesn’t mean you can just not tell us! We’re family!”

Lucie cut in, “I’m sorry we seem to be missing a large portion of this conversation.” She said gesturing to the rest of them. Thomas smiled at her. “Oliver proposed to Barbara.” Matthew, Christopher, Lucie, and Cordelia all burst into excited chatter and Thomas laughs pulling out his phone.

He called Barbara who answered on the second ring. “Hey Tommy!” She said in his ear. He laughed, “They just found out Ollie proposed.” He said referring to her fiance by his nickname Barbara had given him when she was pining over him before they started dating. He heard her laugh and then moved his phone to the middle of the table so she could hear.

He took it back after about twenty seconds. Alastair leaned over to him and Thomas felt his breath catch. Alastair was so close his lips were only centimeters away from Thomas’ cheek. Alastair stared Thomas in the eyes as he did so before whispering quietly, “Hello Barbara.” And moving back. Thomas let out a quick and shaky huff. “Who was that?” Barbara questioned over the phone. “Alastair.” Thomas said in a weak voice. Barbara squealed slightly, “Oh! Tell him I said hi and put my on speaker phone. I want to talk to Lucie.” Thomas did so.

Lucie took the phone excitedly all but screaming into it when she got it. Thomas laughed and turned to Alastair who had an unreadable expression on. “Barabara said hello to you too.” Thomas said, leaning away from Christopher who was talking excitedly with his whole body. Thomas had learned it was safest to get out of arm's reach when Christopher got like this.

It just so happened that he was leaning halfway on top of Alastair who was smirking at him. Thomas huffed and went to move back right as Christopher brought his hand, now in a fist, back. Christopher punched him in the face and Thomas let out a startled yelp falling back on Alastair.

Christopher looked at him guiltily. “Sorry Tommy.” He said frowning at Thomas’ cheek, which was now red. Thomas shook his head moving his jaw. “Christopher you are the only person I know who could accidentally punch someone in the face.” Lucie said looking at Thomas concerned.

Thomas felt something squirm beneath him and moved to get off, now acutely aware that he had fallen in Alastair’s lap. Alastair’s arms wrapped around Thomas’ waist, pulling his back down. He kept one arm around Thomas in an iron grip, the other going up to Thomas’ jaw to look at it. Thomas kept squirming, growing increasingly more uncomfortable.

Alastair let out an aggravated groan. “Lightwood stop moving. I’m just trying to see your jaw so would you please stop squirming.” Thomas sighed and stopped moving, his entire body was tensed. Alastiar relaxed his grip and let his hand rest on Thomas’ hip. Thomas felt as if he hadn’t had anything to drink in a week, his throat was so dry.

After what felt like ages, Alastair dropped his hand from where it had been cupping Thomas’ jaw. “It’ll bruise but you’ll be okay.” Thomas rolled his eyes and got up, only slightly disappointed that Alastair hadn’t stopped him again.

“I’m going to get a coffee. Anyone want anything?” Thomas asks looking around the table, there was a chorus of no’s. Thomas nods and turns around, instead of going to the counter though he goes outside. It had been much too claustrophobic in there and the cool air from outside had made Thomas feel as if he could finally breathe.

He had dealt with anxiety for as long as he could remember. That tended to happen when you grew up listening to bullies and always waiting to be messed with. Thomas shuddered at the thought and turned his head slightly as two who were staring in the window of the shop started squealing. “It is them! I told you Jesslyn! It’s all three bands! Oh my god it’s Alastair!” A girl with hair so blonde it looked white said.

Thomas rolled his eyes, Alastair’s fans tended to find him wherever he went. The other girl, who had bubblegum pink hair laughed. “You and your love for Alastair! I’m much more excited to see Matthew. I swear we’re soulmates.” Thomas smirked at that. It was common knowledge for anyone that had ever met him that Matthew was one hundred percent head over heels for James. If they didn’t end up together (which Thomas knew for a fact they would) Matthew would end up alone.

“Where’s Thomas?” The blonde one said, Thomas was about to say something when the pink haired girl laughed. “Maybe they finally got rid of him. God knows no one likes him, maybe they finally came to their senses.” Thomas felt a chill settle in his bones. He was well aware of the fact that he was probably the least loved by their fans (there were hundreds of posts and comments that proved that correct) but to hear it said aloud hurt him more than he would admit.

The blonde girl shovered her friend playfully but laughed. They walked into the cafe, probably hoping to talk to his friends inside but Thomas just huffed and walked away. He wasn’t in the mood for company right now. He pulled his phone out to let Matthew know he wasn’t coming back right now and was only vaguely surprised that he already had a few texts from him.

Matthew Unfairchild:

You okay?

Matthew Unfairchild:

You don’t look so good.

Matthew Unfairchild:

Where are you going?

Matthew Unfairchild:

Tommy?

Thomas sighs and sends Matthew a text before turning his phone off completely walking quickly, trying to shake off my thoughts.

Tommy:

I’m fine, I just need a minute. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

Thomas keeps walking, playing the girl’s words in his head over and over. Maybe they finally got rid of them, god knows no one likes him, maybe they finally came to their senses. Thomas can feel himself shaking. Is that what everyone thought of him? Do his band mates think of him like that? He knew logically that they didn’t and they wouldn’t be a band without him but he couldn’t help the thoughts slipping through.

Thomas was brought back to his senses when he felt a hand grab his arm. Thomas let out a pathetic whimper that only made his anxiety shoot up even more. “Let go!” He gasped pulling his hand away and stumbling when the person let him go abruptly. “Lightwood it’s just me! Calm down!” Thomas looked at him and was aware that he knew the person standing in front of him but his brain was still short circuiting and he couldn’t quite place them.

“Thomas are you alright?” Thomas stumbles back again shaking his head. He turns abruptly and walks down a small alley that sits between two buildings. He turns at the end and slides down the back wall of the building. He was aware the person was still with him but he was too focused on trying to calm himself down to care.

The person sits next to him and puts their hand on Thomas’ knee. “You’re okay Thomas. Is this a panic attack?” Thomas felt himself nodding before he processed the words. The person rubbed his knee comfortingly. “Okay, that’s okay. It’s just me, Alastair. We’re behind a fishing shop. Dreadfully awful place if I do say so myself. Smells too much like fish.” Thomas felt himself give a breathless laugh despite himself.

Of course it was Alastair who found him. He had no idea why the world hated him so much but he couldn’t bring himself to be too mad because at least someone was here. Thomas was still shaking uncontrollably, he was starting to get light headed and cursed himself for not realizing sooner that he wasn’t breathing right. Alastair’s hand stopped rubbing gently and instead grasped Thomas’ knee tightly.

“Thomas, you need to breathe. What do you want me to do.” Thomas shook his head and gasped loudly. Come on Thomas breathe, he told himself. He hated this part, being aware of what was happening but being far too gone to really control it. “A-Alastair.” Thomas stuttered attempting to undo the top buttons of his shirt with shaky hands. Stupid button ups.

Alastair was kneeling in front of him within seconds, gently tugging Thomas’ hands down. “Thomas breathe. Please breathe.” He said urgently undoing the top buttons of Thomas’ shirt with minimal difficulty. Thomas gasped as if unbuttoning the shirt had really helped him breathe. Thomas was too aware of the fact that his heart was beating too hard and the ground was disgusting.

He groaned and reached out to Alastair who took his hands easily, his thumbs drawing soothing circles over Thomas’ hands. Thomas let his head fall on Alastiar’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as his head went with it. He focused on the rising and falling trying to match his breaths, which were still coming much too fast, with Alastairs.

His breathing was almost matched with Alastair’s when he realized that one of Alastiar’s hands had come up to his head and his thumb was now rubbing circles behind Thomas’ ear. Thomas found that that was all it took to calm him down the rest of the way.

He was still shaking, something he had gotten used to after having so many panic attacks. He let his head rest on Alastair’s chest a moment longer, trying to gather his thoughts and debating if he wanted to apologize or just pretend it hadn’t happened at all.

He pulled his head back, deciding to just apologize, and let the building hold him up. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for you to see that.” Thomas said softly looking at the ground, playing with a pebble. Alastair shook his head quickly. “Thomas don’t apologize for that. Please don’t apologize for that. Are you okay?”

Thomlas let out a shaky breath. ”I’m fine. Thank you.” Alastair smiles softly at him. “Anytime. Does that happen often?” Thomas bit his lip and looked away. He didn’t really want to tell Alastair that it did indeed happen quite often, but he couldn’t lie. Not to Alastair.

“Yeah but it's fine.” Alastair shook his head sadly. “That’s not fine Thomas. If you don’t mind me asking, what set it off.” It occurred to Thomas then, that Alastair had been referring to him as Thomas and not as Lightwood. “Um, just some people outside. Have you been calling me Thomas?” Alastair let out a nervous laugh and Thomas could have sworn that he was blushing.

“Yes? You weren’t reacting well to Lightwood and Thomas was calming you down a little.” Thomas nodded. That made sense, he hadn’t been very aware when Alastair had called him Lightwood so it had confused him. “Yeah, I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking straight.” Alastair rolled his eyes an amused smile gracing his lips, something Thomas was desperately trying not to stare at.

“After what you said earlier I can see how thinking straight would be a problem.” Thomas stared at him for a minute and Alastair’s face fell a little before Thomas surprised him by bursting into laughter. “Did- did you just make a joke about me beng gay?” Thomas said through his laughter. Alastair looked proud, “Yes I did.” Thomas just laughed harder, Alastair joined in.

After a few minutes Alastair stood up and reached his hand out to Thomas who took it gratefully. Alastair helped him up and Thomas swayed slightly on his still shaky legs. Alastair reached out to steady him but Thomas batted his hands away. “I’m fine.” He said proudly.

Alastair rolled his eyes, “Of course, don’t know why I tried.” He said moving closer so he could catch Thomas if the need arose. Thomas rolled his eyes and took a couple shaky steps forward. “What time is it?” He asked Alastair who pulled out his phone with a raised eyebrow. “It’s 5:15.” Thomas cursed, he had told Matthew twenty minutes but it had already been almost forty. He walked faster, Alastair jogging to keep up.

“Lightwood would you please slow down? You may have freakishly long legs, but those of us with normal legs cannot walk as fast as you, you plasted giant.” Thomas laughed and slowed down so Alastair wasn’t running anymore. “If you call your legs normal I would hate to see what short looks like. Alastair grinned and shook his head.

He stared at Thomas for a while, his face switching back and forth between slight expressions and expressionless. Thomas took that time to stare at Alastair in response.

He looked at Alastair’s eyes, those pretty dark eyes that Thomas swore he could get lost in at any point. His hair, which Thomas almost found himself angry with. Why would he want to hide something so beautiful. Why would he want to dye it something so common, when his dark hair was anything but? Thomas felt his eyes go to Alastiar’s lips unconsciously. Thomas spent so many years wondering what it would be like to kiss Alastair. He wondered how soft Alastair’s full lips would be. He wondered what it would feel like to feel Alastair smile against his mouth.

He hadn’t realized they were leaning in until he heard someone laughing and turned to see Lucie turning the corner. Matthew was ahead of the group and was standing there with his mouth open staring at the two of them.

Thomas felt his face heat up and he pulled away hastily. Was he really about to kiss Alastair? Had Alastair really been about to kiss him? He turned away and cleared his throat, glancing at Alastair out of the corner of his eye. Alastair had his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Thomas shook his head and walked towards Matthew.

He couldn’t comprehend anything that was going on, his head too caught up in the fact that he was about ninety percent sure that he had almost kissed Alastair. What just happened?

#thomastair #thomas and alastair #thomas x alastair #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #matthew fairchild #james and matthew #james herondale #christopher lightwood #anna lightwood #lucie herondale #cordelia carstairs #high notes

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shadowhuntertrash · 4 years

Text

High Notes

Chapter Five

Characters belong to Cassandra Clare

The boys were currently taking a break. Christopher was drinking from his half-empty water bottle and Matthew was sitting on a wooden stool talking animatedly about the tour to James who was listening with a wide smile.

Thomas looked down at his guitar and opened his songbook. He flipped to the page where he had written the song about Alastair. He hadn’t given it a name yet but he started messing with some chords until he had a short song. He started strumming softly and singing under his breath.

And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me?

And when you're awake, do you think of me?

I need to know, how do you feel?

Cause baby when I sleep, I dream of you

And when I'm awake, that's all I do

Think about every detail you have

Do you notice when I get mad, I clench my jaw?

Do you notice when I get sad, I tend to fall?

Look at my words I say to you

Cause I notice when you get mad

You close your eyes

And I notice when you are sad

You let out sighs

I need to know are those sighs ever over me?

Do you know how in love with you

I am

Do you see how in love with you

I am

Everything that you do, it makes my heart stop

Oh, it stops

And baby when you sleep, do you dream of me?

Thomas looked up and blushed. “Um, yeah. It’s not very good and it’s kinda short so we don’t have to play it or anything obviously I was just messing around.” Matthew rolled his eyes before saying, more exasperated than anything Thomas had heard him say before, “Tommy, we love all of your songs you know this. Stop being self-conscious about them, they're amazing.” Tomas blushed again and laughed nervously.

“I could play the piano for it! Thomas, it would be perfect!” Thomas was a blushing stuttering mess at this point. “Are you guys kidding? No! I would freeze in front of everyone! Not to mention Alastair would be there and I wrote it for him and I do not by any means want him to hear it!” The other boys groan and Christopher gives him a pointed look.

“Yes!” Kit said excitedly. Matthew and James high five and Thomas rolls his eyes. Matthew turns to him expectantly. “Do you have any other new songs, Thomas?” Thomas nods his head and picks up his notebook again, this time tossing it to Matthew. He was protective of his songwriting journal but he didn’t mind it those three looked at it.

“What if we learned some songs and performed a new one every concert?” James asked and Matthew tapped the side of his nose. Thomas laughed, those two and their same thought process could be damned.

“Oh, I think you should.” A deep voice said from behind him. Thomas turned to look at Alastair as he slumped into the chair next to him. He had a huge smile on and was practically radiating energy. Thomas bumped his shoulder with his own, “How was the show?”

“But really Thomas, you should sing at the concerts. The fans would go nuts.” Thomas groaned at the return of the conversation he didn’t want to have. “Maybe they would but they all love Matthew and I don’t want them to be disappointed that he isn’t singing.” Matthew rolled his eyes and reached over the table to flick Thomas’s forehead from the spot across from him. Thomas huffed and rubbed his forehead.

“They aren’t going to be disappointed, Tom. Your new songs are really good, and you have an amazing voice. If anything they’ll ask you to sing more.” Matthew said glaring at Thomas, daring him with a look to contradict him again. Alastair turned to Thomas, “New songs?” He asked quietly. Thomas just nodded glaring down at his salad.

“What are they about?” Alastair asked innocently, blissfully unaware of how strongly that affected Thomas. Thomas’ face caught fire and he made a sheepish sound. “Umm, I mean, a bunch of different things I guess. One’s about my sister, a few about a guy. I don’t know different things I guess.”

Thomas looks up with wide eyes and is momentarily confused until he realizes what he just said. He was about to stutter out an excuse when Alastair tilts his head and looks at him contemplatively. “You’re gay?” Thomas groans and puts his head in his hands, sliding down in his seat as far as he could. It didn’t help hide his face though, not with his too-tall frame.

Alastair turned back to Thomas about to say something when James made an alarming sound before proceeding to choke on his sandwich. Matthew turned around looking at him concerned before hitting his back roughly. James stopped choking and grabbed the water Lucie was offering him. “Jesus Jamie are you okay?” Matthew asked concern in his voice. James ignored him and glared at Thomas.

He called Barbara who answered on the second ring. “Hey, Tommy!” She said in his ear. He laughed, “They just found out Ollie proposed.” He said referring to her fiance by his nickname Barbara had given him when she was pining over him before they started dating. He heard her laugh and then moved his phone to the middle of the table so she could hear.

He took it back after about twenty seconds. Alastair leaned over to him and Thomas felt his breath catch. Alastair was so close his lips were only centimeters away from Thomas’ cheek. Alastair stared Thomas in the eyes as he did so before whispering quietly, “Hello Barbara.” And moving back. Thomas let out a quick and shaky huff. “Who was that?” Barbara questioned over the phone. “Alastair,” Thomas said in a weak voice. Barbara squealed slightly, “Oh! Tell him I said hi and put me on speakerphone. I want to talk to Lucie.” Thomas did so.

Lucie took the phone excitedly all but screaming into it when she got it. Thomas laughed and turned to Alastair who had an unreadable expression on. “Barabara said hello to you too,” Thomas said, leaning away from Christopher who was talking excitedly with his whole body. Thomas had learned it was safest to get out of arm's reach when Christopher got like this.

Christopher looked at him guiltily. “Sorry, Tommy.” He said frowning at Thomas’s cheek, which was now red. Thomas shook his head moving his jaw. “Christopher you are the only person I know who could accidentally punch someone in the face.” Lucie said looking at Thomas concerned.

Thomas felt something squirm beneath him and moved to get off, now acutely aware that he had fallen in Alastair’s lap. Alastair’s arms wrapped around Thomas’s waist, pulling his back down. He kept one arm around Thomas in an iron grip, the other going up to Thomas’ jaw to look at it. Thomas kept squirming, growing increasingly more uncomfortable.

Alastair let out an aggravated groan. “Lightwood stop moving. I’m just trying to see your jaw so would you please stop squirming.” Thomas sighed and stopped moving, his entire body was tensed. Alastair relaxed his grip and let his hand rest on Thomas’ hip. Thomas felt as if he hadn’t had anything to drink in a week, his throat was so dry.

He had dealt with anxiety for as long as he could remember. That tended to happen when you grew up listening to bullies and always waiting to be messed with. Thomas shuddered at the thought and turned his head slightly as two who were staring in the window of the shop started squealing. “It is them! I told you Jesslyn! It’s all three bands! Oh my god, it’s Alastair!” A girl with hair so blonde it looked white said.

“Where’s Thomas?” The blonde one said, Thomas was about to say something when the pink-haired girl laughed. “Maybe they finally got rid of him. God knows no one likes him, maybe they finally came to their senses.” Thomas felt a chill settle in his bones. He was well aware of the fact that he was probably the least loved by their fans (hundreds of posts and comments proved that correct) but to hear it said aloud hurt him more than he would admit.

The blonde girl shoved her friend playfully but laughed. They walked into the cafe, probably hoping to talk to his friends inside but Thomas just huffed and walked away. He wasn’t in the mood for company right now. He pulled his phone out to let Matthew know he wasn’t coming back right now and was only vaguely surprised that he already had a few texts from him.

Matthew Unfairchild:

You okay?

Matthew Unfairchild:

You don’t look so good.

Matthew Unfairchild:

Where are you going?

Matthew Unfairchild:

Tommy?

Thomas sighs and sends Matthew a text before turning his phone off completely walking quickly, trying to shake off my thoughts.

Tommy:

I’m fine, I just need a minute. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

Thomas keeps walking, playing the girl’s words in his head over and over. Maybe they finally got rid of them, god knows no one likes him, maybe they finally came to their senses. Thomas can feel himself shaking. Is that what everyone thought of him? Do his bandmates think of him like that? He knew logically that they didn’t and they wouldn’t be a band without him but he couldn’t help the thoughts slipping through.

Of course, it was Alastair who found him. He had no idea why the world hated him so much but he couldn’t bring himself to be too mad because at least someone was here. Thomas was still shaking uncontrollably, he was starting to get light-headed and cursed himself for not realizing sooner that he wasn’t breathing right. Alastair’s hand stopped rubbing gently and instead grasped Thomas’ knee tightly.

Alastair was kneeling in front of him within seconds, gently tugging Thomas’ hands down. “Thomas breathe. Please breathe.” He said urgently undoing the top buttons of Thomas’s shirt with minimal difficulty. Thomas gasped as if unbuttoning the shirt had really helped him breathe. Thomas was too aware of the fact that his heart was beating too hard and the ground was disgusting.

He groaned and reached out to Alastair who took his hands easily, his thumbs drawing soothing circles over Thomas’s hands. Thomas let his head fall on Alastair's chest, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as his head went with it. He focused on the rising and falling trying to match his breaths, which were still coming much too fast, with Alastair's.

His breathing was almost matched with Alastair’s when he realized that one of Alastair's hands had come up to his head and his thumb was now rubbing circles behind Thomas’s ear. Thomas found that that was all it took to calm him down the rest of the way.

He pulled his head back, deciding to just apologize, and let the building hold him up. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for you to see that.” Thomas said softly looking at the ground, playing with a pebble. Alastair shook his head quickly. “Thomas, don’t apologize for that. Please don’t apologize for that. Are you okay?”

Thomas let out a shaky breath. ”I’m fine. Thank you.” Alastair smiles softly at him. “Anytime. Does that happen often?” Thomas bit his lip and looked away. He didn’t really want to tell Alastair that it did indeed happen quite often, but he couldn’t lie. Not to Alastair.

“After what you said earlier I can see how thinking straight would be a problem.” Thomas stared at him for a minute and Alastair’s face fell a little before Thomas surprised him by bursting into laughter. “Did- did you just make a joke about me being gay?” Thomas said through his laughter. Alastair looked proud, “Yes I did.” Thomas just laughed harder, Alastair joined in.

After a few minutes, Alastair stood up and reached his hand out to Thomas who took it gratefully. Alastair helped him up and Thomas swayed slightly on his still shaky legs. Alastair reached out to steady him but Thomas batted his hands away. “I’m fine.” He said proudly.

Alastair rolled his eyes, “Of course, don’t know why I tried.” He said moving closer so he could catch Thomas if the need arose. Thomas rolled his eyes and took a couple of shaky steps forward. “What time is it?” He asked Alastair who pulled out his phone with a raised eyebrow. “It’s 5:15.” Thomas cursed, he had told Matthew twenty minutes but it had already been almost forty. He walked faster, Alastair jogging to keep up.

“Lightwood would you please slow down? You may have freakishly long legs, but those of us with normal legs cannot walk as fast as you, you plastered giant.” Thomas laughed and slowed down so Alastair wasn’t running anymore. “If you call your legs normal I would hate to see what short looks like. Alastair grinned and shook his head.

He stared at Thomas for a while, his face switching back and forth between slight expressions and expressionless. Thomas took that time to stare at Alastair in response.

He looked at Alastair’s eyes, those pretty dark eyes that Thomas swore he could get lost in at any point. His hair, which Thomas almost found himself angry with. Why would he want to hide something so beautiful? Why would he want to dye it something so common, when his dark hair was anything but? Thomas felt his eyes go to Alastair's lips unconsciously. Thomas spent so many years wondering what it would be like to kiss Alastair. He wondered how soft Alastair’s full lips would be. He wondered what it would feel like to feel Alastair smile against his mouth.

He couldn’t comprehend anything that was going on, his head too caught up in the fact that he was about ninety percent sure that he had almost kissed Alastair. What just happened?

#high notes #high notes: chapter five #thomastair #thomas lightwood #merry thieves #alastair carstairs #cordelia carstairs #lucie herondale

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