#just scare myself awake
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Not to be That Guy but like.
Am I the only one that can't stop thinking about how Tianlang-Jun says about Luo Binghe that he pretends to be cold-hearted like his mother. The hint of fondness there, the heartache in that utterance.
Like it drives me absolutely insane. Imagining her putting on a front of strength, cold and driven and unrelenting. Why does TLJ say that about her. Did she secretly look for solutions that meant reconciling with demons instead of hurting them when her sect wasn't looking? (I wonder this because I feel like his weird fondness for SQQ would lowkey track if it's connected to the woman he once loved.) Did he mean that she was tasked with basically assassinating him and she fell in love with him instead (re: failed step one)? Did he mean that she was fond and doting in her own way (e.g. conceding he was attractive, paying for his exploits and humoring him)? Did he mean that, like LBH, she thought that power would be the thing to protect her--and that it was disguising a person who was deeply and privately wounded? All four????? I don't need sleep I need a n s w e r s
Did she know about the Huanhua Palace Master's skeevy ass intentions before she met TLJ? Or did those only come to significant light after she fell in love with TLJ? Is that why she never anticipated that level of betrayal, because initially she had no intention of being with anyone romantically? And HHPM just assumed she would be under his thumb forever?? Was she furious at her own indiscretion or did she try to use the pregnancy as a bargaining chip, a way to try to stop the immortals of Cang Qiong Mountain from attacking TLJ (plus the bonus of marriage entrapment no takesies backsies this is where LBH gets it from)? Did she try to use that claim on her to dissuade HHPM from his covetous advances, framing herself as tainted so that she could finally escape? Did she dream of a life by TLJ's side, far away from Cang Qiong Mountain?
Like. Literally every single permutation of what this could mean guts me to hell. Do you ever just cry about tianxi because I--[loud bawling noises]
#svsss#tianxi#tianlang jun#su xiyan#like this shit keeps me awake at night#i'm trying to put fic ideas together and every time i go back to that line i just#find myself trying to parse and hone out su xiyan's mannerisms/personality#zzl's descriptions help a great deal but i also love that they're limited in the sense that#1. zzl was clearly scared shitless of/disconcerted with her LMFAO#2. he was suspicious of her (as a cultivator fundamentally) and its fascinating that TLJ did not seem to share this suspicion at all#or one could argue tlj just didn't care beyond his attraction and glee being around her jkahglfdskjhsfkhjg#there is also the hilarious implication that part of what turned tlj on so much about sx is the fact that she could prbly kill him#tlj really said 'i love a woman who can and WILL kick my ass'#'none of that soft power seduction shit manhandle me or nothing'#like he always believed deep down--or at the very least wanted to believe--that she loved both him and lbh dearly#i'm not usually the fix-it fic type but the Way I Need To See Su Xiyan Destroy Huanhua Palace Master's Entire Life.#i just want sx and her boytoy to live happily ever after is that so wrong?#i also think of that person (im so sorry tumblr user i dont rmr who u are at the minute) that said there had to be trust between tlj and sx#because YES. ABSOLUTELY. I AGREE. AND I WANT IT FOR ME#don't mind me just the usual descent into madness anytime i think too hard about svsss#i need to outline damn you airplane and your refusal to expand on LBH's juicy ass backstory#ill never forgive the chinese (joke)
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Crazy issues that come up when a character is written a little too well
#yay story time comic nobody asked for#funnily enough i will NEVER play undertale on the computer because of this#my first exposure to undertale was jacksepticeye and i am glad i didn't opt to play the game myself at the time#flowey closing the game and then the broken start up cutscene was bad enough just WATCHING it#and i STILL have to watch that chara thing at the end with a far distance from my screen and the volume down#not because of the scary face but because of the violin noise that sounds like its a repeating tone rather than a loop#and then of course the window hopping around#am also very glad i was spoiled about the spamton mercy win before i tried it myself#am slightly worried about future deltarune chapters but at least now i'm anticipating it#anyway remember when i tagged that one post ''i'm scared of computers and it's a monkey's fault''#now you know :3#i really wanted this done on thursday#and apparently dawn's brain says friday doesn't happen until after i fall asleep#so now i am awake and it is 4:30 and i hear birds chirping so nighty night#((or good morning))#yay comic :D i was right this did help a lot with getting some program familiarity#it's not the greatest paneling in the world but it's good for now#idk if i should really tag him or not#but uh#spamton#deltarune#spamton enjoyers i am so sorry#i am terrified of him only because he does his job in the story very well
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the way i need genuine intense psychological rewiring just so i can talk to people in a normal setting is just crazy to me. i would ask what happened to me but i have always been this way, it just keeps getting worse and worse
#autism of course doesnt help but i just. wow i cant even reply to mutuals' posts. i cant even like or reblog some posts bc i feel bothersome#i know it shouldnt all be about me but i have nothing to be confident about. i am so embarrassed of myself and how i act...#i dont want to subject people to me and im too scared to be friends with anyone anyway. so i just run away and hide#but im going crazy all alone im so jealous and mean and filled with anger and guilt#i just wanna be normal. avpd makes my life feel hopeless and devoid.. but maybe its just best. i am irredeemable and so cringe#its shown to me all the time and i cant convince myself otherwise#i haven't been suicidal in a while but i have been sleeping 16 hours a day bc i cant fathom being awake and existing as me#existing all alone and without anyone to turn to#and even the ppl i talk to i just cant let myself be vulnerable and be myself. its like i don't know how#like im always hiding the core of me bc if people find out the truth they will hate me..#honey's words
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why'd my adderall xr kick in so late I fell asleep after an hour and woke up feeling it after a 2 hour nap 😑 jm wasting it by being asleep the first half.. I do love waking up feeling rested and not confused at least but come on
#still such a lifecbanging difference sorry#i donr know if the constant sleepiness or the fatigue is what's worse but whatevevr it is just lifts so much easier like this help#i love thinking i can hold on to so many tboughts and care enough about them to even write or say them..#or even just staying in my head just that it's clearer and i have energy to even think at all#i get scared of the way my brain feels so disorganized and mixed up like i forget how language works and i cant remember anything anymore#everything feels like the same constant slush like someone turned the contrast down ans the information the world sends me is sanded down#none of that information ever hits i feel like it's never actually me reacting to it i feel like im watching myself on autopilot.#like km just so tired in every way i cant even relieve myself of boredom anymore because it takes too much energy to even think#and i know everyone on stimulants loves to talk and say things and whatever sorry help but i missed thinking i missed actually reacting 😭#a lot of the time i dont feel real just extremely uncomfortable for no reason. and that's the strongest thing there everything else is dull#like i funally feel awake and conscious and such. like things in this world happen to me and i interact with things and irs real...
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Ok I've been dealing with a medical-ish thing and I'm fine and it's fine like it is objectively not harmful and whatever but it's absolutely tanked my mental health, like I want to fucking die. My OCD has kicked into high gear and it's been 2 months, 24/7 "is it worse? Should I be doing something? What if it's worse? What do I do?"
Which has sent my depression into overdrive with, "Yeah, like we said, life is ever increasing misery, your body fails one step at a time, and then you die! And you are such a freak show you don't even get to have any of the parts that supposedly make it worth it anyway! Congrats, fuck up!"
And I've been trying really hard to explain to the providers I've been seeing that I'm sorry, I know I'm crazy, I hate it too, but I can't turn my brain off and I'm scared all the time. I'm trying. I'm really, really trying, but I am scared and stressed and worrying all. the. time.
The problem is that everyone at that office has decided I'm crazy and to just ignore what I'm telling them instead of actually listening to me and honestly they're not wrong and I just feel trapped and defeated and like garbage all the time now.
#mental health#ocd#it speaks#for real this has been absolute hell#any time I am awake even if it's just for a few seconds in the middle of the night to like turn over in bed#immediately my brain is like “but is it worse? is it back? should I be doing something? how did I fuck up this badly?”#all. the. time.#like straight up psychological torture#I stress lost 6 pounds in 3 days because I couldn't fucking eat#I genuinely am so exhausted and so fucking scared#and I hate it so much#I hate myself#I don't want to exist
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Please for the love of God can intrusive thoughts stop can my brain and body calm down I want to sleep tonight.
#my brain is yelling shit at me trying to believe things about stuff and about myself that arent true and i know arent true#and my anxiety starts to believe it even though its not true and its a vicious cycle. and god. i just want to sleep#but my brain and body are too awake and adrenaline and im scared it wont calm down and i wont sleep#how do i turn off my thoughts. someone take away thw intrusive thoughts please. i want my brain to stop talking for once. leave me in peace#i want to sleep. but everythung wont let me. im in for a long night arent i. i hope my meds will kick in but they arent currently#and its worrying me. how do i shut off the thoughts i hate them i want the intrusive thoughts to stop#please for the love of god.#vent#tw vent
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Oh man the brain is not in a good place rn ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️
#「 🐈⬛ 」 strawberry.milk#I don’t Even know if it’s actually a big deal or if I’m just paranoid of making mistakes and am blowing it out of proportion in my head ⁉️⁉️#fuck man I hate it when this happens because it keep me wide awake and second guessing everything I’ve said and done the entire day#LMAOOOOOO#accidentally offending/hurting someone because I intended my statement to b a joke and it ended up landing poorly is literally a nightmare.#and if I realize to late I’m always so scared that they secretly hate me then and that they never want to talk to me again.#I’ll spend my whole day second guessing everything I’ve said and done and ill blow it out of proportion and I’ll think that every thing#that I’ve done has hurt or offended someone in some way and that sucks#it makes me want to rip my skin off lowk ⁉️ like I hate the thought of offending someone just from my negligence tbh#HI This is a cry for help if I ever say or do something stupid please tell me so I can remedy it and peacefully solve stuff and not#find out too late and go insane with doubting myself and convincing myself I’m a terrible person HAHHAHAH#if I ever take too long to respond. or if I delete a reply/chat I’ve sent days after I sent it. that’s why HHAHAHHAHHAHAHA
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oh my god i think i just had an epiphany
#bear with me i have been awake for 26 straight hours now. but.#ideal gender presentation: i want to be a drag king who looks like a vampire from the lost boys. but like. permanently#do you understnad me. can anyone hear me#not even ljke one of the specific characters or anything . just. 80s vampire.#who if you put nect to the cast of the lost boys youd be like “yeah he belongs there”#i have also. VERY recently started using he/him pronouns to refer to myself#and this is a very new thing so i havent asked anyone else to do it yet but. smile emoji. idk. feeling more masc than usual lately .#they/them is still default but if u ever wanted to sprinkle in a little hes and hims for flavor... i would not complain.#trying it out. like a new flavor of tea i dont know if i like yet#i NEED to meet someone who does drag i need someone to put me in drag makeup bc i dont know how to do it myself#and im afraid if i do it bad itll scare me away from ever trying again .#i fumbled a little bit with my cwilbur costume for halloween 2022 and it felt good but also i didnt do Much. i need someone talented
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I can’t tell why I’m freaking out but I can’t stop. The reaction feels totally disproportionate/disconnected to what triggered it which like, duh, that’s anxiety, I guess but in some ways it’s a little easier when there’s something specific I’m anxious about even if it still feels awful. I hate this nebulous, ambient sense of SOMETHING WRONG with nothing to tie it to, no way to talk myself down from the ledge or reason myself out of it
#personal#tbd#I want to sleep bc I’m tired and I don’t want to waste tomorrow sleeping in#but I’m scared to sleep bc when I stop doing things to distract myself I start crying again and now it feels “too late to sleep bc#I’ll be tired anyway and oversleep so my stupid brain things I should just stay awake so I don’t oversleep#but then I’ll crash tomorrow afternoon and feel guilty
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my (virtual) meeting with my thesis advisor is in... 7 hours. I'm sort of almost finished writing the exposé that I was supposed to write. sort of. I'll probably need another hour or two until I feel okay enough about it to actually get any sleep.
unfortunately my left arm is realllly starting to hurt and I can't lift it much anymore (thanks to the covid booster I got today). hopefully I'll get it done anyway. and hopefully the pain won't be so bad that I can't sleep.
#I mean. if I get... idk like 3-4 hours of sleep that should be enough#I only have to be awake until the meeting is over. then I'll probably go back to bed.#and that way if it goes really really badly I can escape from that by being asleep lol#I hope it'll be okay 😭 I'm so scared#but it's this... much more quiet subtle kind of scared. I never experienced that before the anxiety meds#so it feels weird.#I haven't even cried yet! no panic attacks or anything! there have been a few meltdowns but not specifically about this#so I have to keep reminding myself that this is fine! I can handle this! it used to be sooooo much worse and I somehow got through that too#so I will definitely get through this and it will be okay#after all - no matter what happens. I'll be done with uni in February. I won't have to speak to my advisor ever again (so if he thinks I'm a#fucking idiot it doesn't matter at all!)#this is far from the hardest thing I've done! I was my dad's carer. I got my driver's license (yes that was very hard for me). I was in#therapy. I lived in abusive households until I was 25! this is easy in comparison#it just feels hard because I can't stand the feeling of being judged. and this is. just. me being judged (for what I write)#but it will be okay and I'll never write anything like this ever again and I'll get a break and I'll find a job I don't hate and it'll all#be worth it#personal#posts about my thesis
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#I keep having these sleep paralysis symptoms (?)#the other day I woke in the middle of the night and I was so sure that someone had been whispering in my ear#saying my name and something else#when I shook that off and tried to fall back asleep I suddenly felt that someone was grabbing my arms and holding them down#and just last night I woke up because I was so sure there was someone running down my hallway toward my bedroom#and so I try to fall back asleep but I hear footsteps again#then I’m awake again#so I try to get to sleep once more and as I drift off I hear someone barreling down the hallway and they get in bed with me#in my dream (?) state I fugue it’s my ex bf and I say ‘you scared me’#but I fully come into consciousness and no one’s there at all#after that#I tried to sleep again but every time I’d start to drift off I’d feel this immense pressure on my body like I was slipping away or somethin#something horrible would happen#. I had to scroll on my phone for a bit before I could actually get back to sleep#but anyway#all of this has had me thinking#I am currently living (still) with my ex bf at the moment#I need to decide if I’ll get a place for myself or if I’ll move back in with my parents#but idk how I’d cope dealing with this sort of thing in an empty house all by myself#honestly sleeping in my own empty house has always scared me#part of me is excited by the idea of having my own place#since I’ve never had a place just for myself before#but another part of me is frightened by the challenges I would face#I do get lonely#and I’m a bit scared of how I’d cope with that#choosing to stay with my parents would be a safe option#but I’m not sure id be too happy with myself if I decided to do that…#definitely at a crossroads here
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took my shitty medicine, I perhaps am not the best at time management
#deity dialogue#I was supposed to take it like the moment it was 12am#I have to be awake at 8:30am at latest (I’m holding myself to this) but like medicine can take an hour or longer to kick in or just never#kick in and also I overslept that one time like it’s likely that I get scared awake by my roommate making demon noises again
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getting real tired of like. nightly ‘curled up in a ball sobbing’ type breakdowns fr
#getting tired of my own shit!!!!!!!!#i know it’ll be Better once i move and i get settled#i need to keep reminding myself that i will not always feel this way and that i will feel better soon#just gotta. keep pushing through until i get to that point#i’ve just been scaring myself a little lately#but in like two weeks i will be on da road!!!#why does every big emotion feel like literal torture jesus christ why can’t i just be Sad and sentimental like a normal person#like i’ve been crying off and on all fuckin night i feel like throwing up good god#i just need to settle down enough to sleep but i am wide awake
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everytime. everytime i talk abt finding the whole immortality dilemma a lil funny/Personally trite bc i’ve very desperately wished i was immortal since i was like. 12 years old. i’ve gotten ppl trying to explain why immortality is narratively treated as a bad thing that has many downsides actually as if i haven’t heard the argument of “but you’ll outlive everyone you know🥺” before and just straight up don’t care that much abt it 😭
when i was watching iwtv this weekend w my cousin i brought it up bc obviously vampires r always talking abt the gift/curse of immortality n when i rolled my eyes n jokingly was like immortality rocks actually she very stiffly was like “you just say that bc you haven’t lost someone yet” and like yeah i guess that’s true but also i think you severely underestimate how much i fear my human mortality lol
#x#death stresses me out a Lot i’ve talked to my parents before abt how if it was possible i would be into being#cryogenically frozen or smth until ppl figured the whole lengthening lifespan thing out😭😭#i was Extremely neurotic about it as a teen a lot of my intrusive thoughts involved me suddenly dying n that would make me freak out m just#start crying at the idea of it lol#the whole reason i started listening to podcasts was bc otherwise at the time when i was working in the evenings i would just let my mind d#drift* to the idea of death n i would get sooo agitated and upset abt it#i straight up often stayed awake for HOURS bc i couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep bc i was so scared of dying suddenly overnight like i’m#not kidding at all when i say i went insaneeee#everytime i thought abt death it’s always stressed me out. so i’ve Always said that id take immortality any day lol.#even tho my fear isn’t as Ever present n constantly bringing me to tears now i still stand by it sorry i know i know the conceptual issues w#becoming immortal and all but 🤷 death scares me more lol#if ur curious btw im not scared of death in an abstract sense i just Really don’t like that we don’t definitively know what happens after we#die and hate that. and the standard idea of when u die ur consciousness ceases to exist is upsetting to me lol i don’t like it at All#it’s why i sometimes wish i was able to be religious in some way bc i want the comfort of some kind of assurance of what happens after#but yeah. ANYWAYS. was just thinking abt this bc of the reminder of that convo w my cousin bc i saw iwtv on my dash#i AM the weakest link and would 100% ask to be turned into a vampire given the opportunity thank you very much
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When does Princess Rosi get to crawl into bed?? I need updates
No nap today 😔
#it’s a sad sad day#but it’s fine#knowing me if I took a nap I would have slept the rest of the day#I got bombarded by my mom when I got home#and I’ve been helping her clean ever since#at least I was able to run out and smoke a quick bowl earlier#but I’m definitely crashing#I’ll probably go to bed super early tonight haha#(I mean I say that now and watch I’m still awake at like 4 am)#but I think I’m about done cleaning for today#I’m going to take a shower#and then I’m going to go over to a friends house and watch some stranger things 😌#I’m kindaaaaaaa addicted#a lil mad I didn’t just watch by myself cause I wanna binge this shoooowwwww#but I can’t cause I’m watching it with my friend#n g l#the floor looks so comfy right now#……… what if I just laid down on the floor for like a lil bit??#ya know just a tiny lil teensy weensy bit#lol I would if i wasn’t so scared of bugs cause I’m sure I would find some bugs down there and no no noooope not in the moooood#just so you know guys#THIS is the asks I love getting#‘I need updates’ kdnxksndkcnks EXCUSE ME THIS IS SO CUTE#you’re so invested in lil ol me 🥺🥺🥺🥺#I’m so boring I promise but getting asks like these makes me feel important 😂#ok running out of room but you’re adorable and I’m giving you a huge smooch on your check (and maybe your lips if you’d let me 🥺)#😘😘😘😘#ask#anon
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I just had a dream so worrying I forced myself awake and I’m just scrolling through my phone to try not and drift back into it
#it was like my mom driving and for some reason we were a dock#then we swerved off bc a person was there and got stuck but somehow she got us unstuck#and then I was frantically trying to put the windows up so my dog Piper wouldn’t jump out the window at the lady while river my other day of#was just getting pets from her#and then I was like OH SHIT THE CATS#and jumped out to try and get them#I got goose easily but then as I scooped up Iris a alligator was staring at me#and I was both scared enough to barely breath or move and wanting to bolt away with my cat#so I slowly started walking and it was following me#and then I somehow got to a narrow lower down section that it could so easily just jump up and eat me + Iris#so I’m yelling to my mom who looks across at me but bc I’m scared I can’t properly talk so I just yell alligator#and she looks down but at this time it’s like opening it’s mouth to take my arm and my cat#so i forced myself awake and am now trying to not go to sleep. and catching my breath my chest hurts a lot from that dream#dream posting#ruse rambles#no clue how this dream came to my head but I am like shaking and winded from it
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