#joannabarsh

[aliceslee]

"Learn from the stories of people who faced challenges you haven't yet experienced." - Joanna Barsh

[cookeconsultingsolutions]

Cranky Babies, 90s Ballads and Empathy in Communications

By Sarah Snell Cooke, Principal, Cooke Consulting Solutions

Remember the 1990 Extreme song, “More Than Words?” The ballad is about a guy explaining to his girlfriend how she could show she loved him. The meaning always bothered me because of what he was getting at, but here’s what I’m getting at: Words, tone, body language, and more goes into the message you’re trying to convey.

When faced with conflict, careful communication is particularly important. Most people don’t enjoy conflict so it’s uncomfortable from the start, but it can shoot right past awkward to downright nasty. Personalizing conflict is rarely productive, especially in a work environment.

Joanna Barsh and Susie Cranston address steps for appropriately addressing conflict in their book, “How Remarkable Women Lead.” Don’t let the title fool you; this goes for men, too. Here’s the scenario they set up: Susie and Bob are collaborating on a taskforce and developing recommendations for a major product launch. Susie is in Bob’s office, hoping to get his sign-off on mission-critical pieces, but he’s constantly checking emails, waving to people walking by, and taking phone calls.

Susie, rightfully so, is feeling disrespected. The project is important, and she’s stressed about pulling all the moving parts together on time. She wants to tear him a new one.

But Susie doesn’t. Instead she tells Bob, “I feel like we’re experiencing a lot of interruptions today and I feel frustrated. I need your full attention, because this conversation is very important to the recommendations. If you can’t focus on this topic now, let’s reschedule for a time that will be better for you.” Susie did not yell at nor criticize Bob, but still got her point across by stating facts, validating her feelings, and offering a solution. Bob acknowledges he’s distracted by some pending bad news, accepts the offer to reschedule, and goes one step further by suggesting meeting at a coffeehouse to avoid the typical workplace interruptions.

Separating facts from emotions is crucial in these situations, and requires developing a high level of emotional intelligence. One thing I tell employees or people I’m coaching all the way down to my kids is that you can’t control the first response that pops into your mind, but you can control the second, which is what you say and do after that initial, internal response. A minor problem can get blown out of proportion by a colleague who just happens to be cranky that day because their baby kept them up all night. Start from a place of empathy when you’re communicating. Shouting matches may make you feel better in the short term, but they have long-term relationship effects that can be counterproductive.

[auntcookieposts]

#joannabarsh, founder of @McKinsey Centered Leadership keynotes #smithcollege biz network launch! (at The Westin New York At Times Square)