#jazz needs therapy hello

[gloryhaddock]

My hand slipped-

I was in History and English and I just... @keferon has infected me. Empurata Perceptor, to go with their Empurata Prowl au! Jazz gets to give both of them therapy

[hamletteprinceofdenmark]

Transcript of Shelby's Video:

CW: Abuse

:readmore:

Hello! I don't know if you can even hear it, I put on, like, light jazz in the background because it seemed awkward being quiet, but I don't think you can hear it, so I'm just gonna turn it off. Um, hello! Um, welcome! We are in emote only because I'm just gonna be talking today, and then I'm gonna go! I'm gonna go!

Um, yeah, it was very, very low. There's, there's no need. I just, it felt weird leaving you in silence, but I'm here, so — Hello! Um, I want to talk about something today that, um, very nervous. I feel sweaty. I had a sweater on, I had to take it off. Um, I'm gonna try and just, I wrote down pretty much everything I think that I want to say to keep track of, sort of all the points that I want to make sure I don't forget anything. So I will be reading from something, um, a good portion of the time, but not 100 percent of the time. Um, and I just wanted to make sure I got all of my thoughts down in words ahead of time. I'm, I really like writing down my thoughts. So I did that.

Um, oh, hold on. Can I turn ads off? I think that maybe we turn ads off today. How do I make that happen for just today? Um. Shoulda had that already. I shoulda had that already. I actually don't even know how to make that happen. You know what? That's just gonna have to be that way. I'm so sorry.

Um. I'm all good. Um, yeah, okay. Today's just gonna be talking. Uh, I'm just gonna start reading from what I wrote, and go from there.

I have a really big coffee, I'm gonna take a swig. And I have my water, and I'm gonna take a swig of that.

I have always liked telling my different experiences that I've had, um, in dating because it feels important to me to share what I've learned and maybe help other people to not make the same mistakes that I have before. I'm 30. I've dated a lot. I've gone on a lot of dates. I keep trying, um, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history, uh, there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me, um, but that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly. Um, some people just weren't the right people.

Um, and speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now because silence has always brought me peace. And this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace. It's only keeping somebody else's peace. Um, and I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I'd never thought that could happen to me.

And so for me, this is important because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did. Um, or hopefully avoid a similar situation entirely. Because the, the truth is it was dangerous. Um, there were a lot of things wrong in this relationship that, um, I endured some pretty terrible treatment. Um, and I might touch on some things here and there about that. But, um, if I feel like it's important to the overall context. But what I want to stay focused on is this specific issue, um, and the things that happened matter-of-factly and the things that people saw and witnessed in our circle.

Um, it took me 10 months after to heal. And I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. Um, I tried somatic therapy. That one was actually really good for me. Um, because that one actually helped me release a lot of, um, built up anger I was having over the last year. Um, but the anger that I was feeling was for myself because, um, I felt like I should have known better.

I felt so stupid at myself for, um, sort of just staying through all of this. Um, and I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists and I was like "So, this thing happened ... and I wasn't really sure ... It just seems weird now to me looking back," and all of them told me exactly what was happening in the words that I was too afraid to use.

Um, and I was being hurt in my last relationship. And it took me all of that time to see it through that lens. Um, I even posted an anonymous story to Reddit that I have now deleted with an anonymous account. But in posting that, I found a dozen other stories that were exactly like mine, exactly the same way. Um, and all of the comments said exactly the same thing.

Um, and I was so mad at myself because I was lying to, um, at a certain point to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth, it'd make him look really bad. Um, I didn't think that I would cry and I practiced saying all of this and I didn't cry, but it's easier to practice it when no one is listening.

Um, but he always cared more about how it looked and that was really important, not what was true. Um, and it was really subtle. When I hear about, um, when I hear about physical abuse, I think of hitting. I think of hitting and punching, um, so I thought that this wasn't violent enough, um, to be abuse. Uh, I thought that it was just like a constant accident that he kept hurting me. Um, but he's not hitting me and it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me.

Uh, he had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had had this habit since he was a kid. And even his mom said that that was true. And he said it was just affectionate and that that might have been — I mean, I think that that might have been true, maybe, at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie, but that's just my personal opinion, um, and I had no problem with just biting, that isn't even the most uncommon thing, um, but he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag, um, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me. Which I thought was really weird considering he had never hurt me before. And so why would I call it abuse? And why was he thinking about that? And I thought he was being sweet, checking on me to make sure that I was still comfortable. Um, but of course I was because he hadn't hurt me. And why would I think he ever would?

Um, and then he did, for the first time, by accident, uh, and I don't specifically remember the actual first time that he bit me too hard by accident, because I didn't think that it would be significant, um, I thought that it would only happen once, and he started biting me more and more over a period of time, sort of throughout the whole relationship, and accidents of him biting too hard and really hurting me happened more and more frequently, um, but he always seemed genuinely sorry, and he decided that he didn't want to keep accidentally hurting me, um, so we were gonna use a safe word, um, so he could learn where my limit was, where my pain tolerance ended.

Uh, and saying that out loud now doesn't sound — Like, that's not very sound logic. Um, but at the time, I thought he cared about not hurting me. But in reality, it's like, why are you biting so hard? And why do you have to bite so hard? And it shouldn't be that hard of a problem to stop. Um, that shouldn't be that hard.

And he disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends to the point that he would do it in front of them. He thought it was this really funny story to tell and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain. Um, and then I have to laugh it off because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of all of our friends and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine, nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying. I was lying and it wasn't fine because I would go home later and I'd tell him how uncomfortable I was. How much I didn't like being hurt all the time and I needed him to really stop biting so hard. I didn't like it and I tried telling him over and over again because he wasn't actually trying at all to not hurt me, um, but he said he would try, at first, and then he started saying things like it was my pain tolerance that was too low, or I'm exaggerating how much it actually hurts. He's not even biting that hard. I'm, I'm being dramatic. Um, but his biting escalated to a point where I was covered in bruises all over my arms and they hurt and he would poke at them for fun. And he even felt so comfortable showing off my bruises that he had caused to our friends because he would bite me so hard by accident, "by accident." He would even joke that it looked like he abused me. Um, and eventually he did acknowledge how bad it looked that I was covered in bruises all the time. So he stopped, um, biting my arms as often. And he started biting my legs instead. Um, and it was in the last couple of months of the relationship that every time he bit me, it was until I needed to use this safe word. Um, it had become his benchmark for when to stop.

Only once I was definitely hurt, um, which meant I was being hurt every single day, um, multiple times a day, uh, for all of the days that we spent together in person. And when I asked him to stop again, this time he said, "This is who he is. He isn't going to change." Those were his words. And I remember a lot of, specifically his words about certain things, especially at the end.

Um, because I'm good at remembering words and especially his wording. I became really good at remembering because he was constantly contradicting himself. And I would notice, but most of the time it wasn't worth picking a fight over. And — But he would fight me on it sometimes 'cause I would po- I would point it out and, uh, he would insist that he had never said the thing that he said, he definitely did say. And then he would say something like, "How are you so sure you're remembering correctly? Why are you always right?" Um, and he definitely said the things that I heard him say and other people heard him say.

So, he had, now at this point, weaponized the safe word and was using it to ensure that I was hurt and on a constant basis. And he wasn't sorry anymore. Um, I couldn't even tell you the last time he had apologized for doing it anymore because now sometimes he would bite me and I would yell out the safe word because it hurts so bad and he'd clamp down even harder and, just for a second, just for good measure, before letting go and sometimes I'd say the safe word and he'd grind his teeth down on my skin and sometimes he'd smile after, um, like a gloating grin?

And during this time I was filled with so much anxiety all the time that I was constantly nauseous. Gagging daily, um, on occasion throwing up because of the pit that was in my stomach. I never told him about that though. I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends.

Um, but I felt so unwanted and ignored. Um, and I would tell him that and then he would reassure me that he wanted to be together and he loved me. He loved me more than I loved him, even. He would always insist that that was true, like the, "I love you." "I love you more," but he was like, really serious about it.

Um, and looking back, I do believe that the way I was swept off my feet at the beginning of this relationship was 100 percent love bombing. Um, and we were friends for a time. Um, at least people would have thought that, actually, but I use the word friend very loosely because, um, we had actually never spoke to each other outside of group chats we were in together when, like a handful of times throughout the, the whole time that we knew each other, um, but did not talk to each other.

So I wouldn't have even called him my friend until he found out I was single, waited a few weeks to reach out, and then we started a friendship and then that friendship turned romantic and then he made these huge romantic gestures. He wrote me the most beautiful love letter that I had ever read. Um, he called me his soulmate. He talked about "forever" one month in. He told me he hadn't been in a relationship in five years. He thought he could never find love again before he met me. He said he wanted someone to grow with. He wanted to be a dad. He had all his names picked out and I didn't have a preference because I — My feeling of it is that the timing is right and with the right person, I could, um, but if that doesn't work out in time or the time, you know, I, I'm not super pressed about it. Um, but I started opening my mind up to the idea with him because it seemed so important to him. And I kept trying to talk to him to figure out where he was, later on, when I could tell things like, were declining.

And, um, now all of a sudden he's telling me he's not sure he wants kids at all. In fact, he has never been attached to the idea of kids. Um, and I told him that isn't what he said before, and he said he's allowed to change his mind. And I'm of the opinion that in a relationship, there are a few things that you are not actually allowed to change your mind without letting your partner know.

I think that kids is one of them. It wasn't even important to me. Um, and I think marriage is one of them, so I brought that up next. And I asked if he still wanted marriage. He said he wanted to marry me. And then he said, now, "I'm not the co-" quote, "I'm not the commitment guy. You know that."

I didn't know that.

Why are you dating me?

In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day. Uh, he would tell me he still wanted to be together. He wanted to work on all of the problems. He wanted to, like, he wanted me at the end of everything. He did not want to break up. He made that very clear. And uh, I have though, caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff and I, again, I didn't want to, it wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over, uh, which isn't normal for me.

I hate lies. Um, and yet I ended up lying for him. So, uh, but he had lied about big things and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times. So this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. And everything reached a breaking point when he was about to leave for an extended period of time.

We were not going to see each other very much, a few days out of every few months, um, and now suddenly he is dumping all of these problems that he has been having feelings about all of this time later. Um, at one point he said he's been feeling this way a couple of months. At another point, he says he's been feeling this way for six months, immediately contradicting him- contradicting himself in the same conversation.

And with no time to do anything about it. I arrived — the one of — Never mind. I'm gonna get to something later, but I literally arrived for three days for this conversation to happen and then leave. Um, my cat just woke up and she's not usually awake right now — Hi, my love. It's really close to her dinner time. I should have fed her early.

Um, so no time to fix any of the problems all the sudden because there are three days before he leaves and he insisted he did not want to break up. He, and so, he was expecting me to have a solution somehow, magically, and I gave a number of solutions that would have a way forward for us to be together, but he refused to make any compromise, um, whatsoever.

And he said that "the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility," towards the end. Also his words. Um, so it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him. And he was at this point, basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. Um — she's eating my laundry. Please don't cause problems. — Um, and I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum. I was asking for so little and he — I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who, who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. So, um, and he also, he was never going to prioritize me over anything that would give him more fame or money.

In fact, he said that himself. He, uh, that was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution for us to be together. Because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. Um, and I just thought we wanted to be together. I thought that's what we both wanted, because that's what he was still saying he wanted to.

Um, but then he also admitted to me that he had grown resent- uh, he had grown to resent me. And I have to be thankful that he said that bit out loud. A lot of these bits he said out loud. Because that was the last push that I needed to get myself out.

He had grown resentful, which I also pointed out that there was no reason. Like, there was no reason to feel that way and he admitted that there was no reason for him to feel that way either. I think that it was because I'm someone who can communicate how I feel. Um, but, I don't know, I think, there, I have a lot of theories and reasons why I believe things happen the way that they did and why he was lying all of the time.

Um, but, he was "resentful" of me, was causing me physical harm every day, multiple times a day, despite me telling him over and over again to stop. He wasn't going to change, and he wasn't going to end the relationship. He was going to keep hurting me, and it was possibly going to escalate even further. So I broke up with him.

And I didn't even want to. Um, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after, um, what it really was that had happened. That he had abused me. And, in fact, we left things as, we want to be friends, and he can never imagine not speaking to me again. Um, and then he never spoke to me again. Uh, outside of like a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped, um, so at least I got my clothes back, uh, I had a whole closet full.

However, uh, he did throw away all of my other things, uh, without saying a word to me about it. Hundreds of dollars of things from my office were trashed without a word, and I didn't block him till ten months later because I wanted an open door still. I really thought I wanted to be his friend. Um, but, uh, I don't feel that way anymore.

I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions, uh, and he would never talk about how he felt. Um, I, I think he even, I mean, he did admit that he felt like he couldn't say it any sooner. Like, there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance. Like, not even a chance, because three days before he left, that was actually a lie too, also.

He didn't leave for another week after I left. He, he brought me in, had this three day conversation, he was supposed to leave, and then he stayed for another week before he left, uh, with all of the friends that I was also meant to see, but he had lied to me about the dates too.

Um, but I do believe that there, uh, that he was bottling up so many emotions that he was taking it out on me physically. I believe there was a moment where he knew that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and instead of just ending it, he tried to push me away any way he knew would hurt me. And he knew all of the ways that would hurt me the most. And he knew he was hurting me. There was no way that he didn't know because of the safe word that he made.

Uh, and he just didn't care. He was hurting me and he didn't care. And even looked like he was enjoying it, sometimes. Um, and I can look back now and I can see all these instances that were really major red flags. Um, there was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me.

And I couldn't do it, obviously. And he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. Fight back against what? What do you mean? You don't say shit like that to people? That's insane. Um, and I was also sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend, and he knew that.

Um, he had stopped giving anything to the relationship, and he said that why was because he "was just waiting for things to change on their own." Um, he said he also "didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for." Um, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me.

Uh, and he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online because we were, uh, long distance, but then he would complain that he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore. Uh, and then we'd be there in person and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movies. He doesn't want to go out.

Um, and I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean, um, he lived in filth like I have never seen, and I've seen filth. This was the worst. Uh, he would spill things on the floor and never, literally never clean them up. Uh, he got an ant infestation once, um, and wasn't going to do anything about it because he said, he said "Bugs are normal in British houses," um, so I had to buy Antkiller. And he wouldn't clean his bathroom for months, and months, and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled, and I would tell him, that's mould. It's mould. He complained about being tired all the time too, which I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mould will do that too.

But he would insist that it wasn't, somehow, without having cleaned in months. But it's not mould. Um, when I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent. Um, just, he wasn't using that at all, and I don't know for how long before I met him. He was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets.

Um, and I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner. I thought he just didn't know how and I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing and I was like, "He just doesn't know how. Someone just needs to show him." Um, and then I found out that he said he doesn't clean at all when I'm not there because he just waits for me to get there to do it.

Um, and I only found out about that after we broke up because he said it behind my back. Uh, I was doing all of the cleaning and laundry for him. Also, I had a separate bathroom. I want to make that clear. I wasn't using that bathroom. I had a separate bathroom that I cleaned for myself. I had cleaning supplies. I don't think he even actually knew I had cleaning supplies in there. Um, but I had my own bathroom.

Um, all the, all the cleaning, all the laundry. All of it. I was paying for. All of the, um, like paper towels, like soap, all of that only stayed in the house so long as I was buying it. Um, I would arrive and there would just not be toilet paper in the whole house. There were paper towels instead. And who knows for how long, too.

Um, I was paying for food more than half the time. Uh, because he would often push me into ordering food for us even if I had paid for the last meal, or the meal before that. Um, and I'm of the opinion now that I shouldn't have been paying for any food. Um, none at all, but I wanted to at least, I thought I was being equal by at least doing like a back and forth. Um, but, uh, I ended up paying for food more often than just going back and forth anyway. And he would do this to his friends all the time too. Um, but I was also paying for every plane ticket and the cat sitter, which cost roughly the amount of a plane ticket to England.

Um, and he never offered to help me pay after the couple of times he did come here to visit me because he paid for the flights that we would both take. Um, but that only happened twice at the very beginning. I have actually had a friend tell me that, that this is financial abuse, but I don't know enough about that to say for myself, but I was telling him that I couldn't afford it, uh, all by myself all the time because I was losing money. I was never able to work properly there and he wasn't traveling at all to see me anymore, even though he said he would. Uh, that was like the basis of our entire relationship starting off. Um, so then he agreed to pay for the cat sitter so that it would be basically paying half the cost of my travels. Um, and he did that once, and then never did it again, uh, despite many more months of dating.

Uh, and I was traveling often. Um, I had to. Because he was worried that we weren't spending enough quality time together. And then all of the time that he would have ever extra, he would choose, choose, to not spend it on me because there was an available choice and he chose not to spend it with me. Often.

Um, and I did everything short of just up and move there, which I was willing to do the whole time. And I told him that I was willing to do it and he knew, uh, but he insisted that I don't. He insisted not to. He was planning to move here. That was supposed to happen first.

Um, and then at the end of the relationship, he said, "Maybe things would have been different if I lived there." If I lived there. Uh, like I had said I would the whole time and he insisted I don't. Maybe that could have saved the relationship. Um, and I say all of this because I believe that people like this are genuinely dangerous. I believe he is dangerous.

Um, he was willing to lie. He was willing to do harm to someone he claimed to love more than anyone he has ever loved. Uh, his actions escalated, um, and I don't think that I'll be the last person that he hurts. Uh, and I felt like sharing my story was really important to warn people. Um, I want people to see the signs that I refused to.

I want you to listen to your body. Um, and get out as soon as possible. Tell your friends the truth and let them help you.

Um, I really thought I, I couldn't — Because I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship, I just thought I was so much smarter. To never — and I was like, "if someone ever laid their hands on me, I'd leave immediately. It would never happen a second time." But you, you just, it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse, and worse, and worse, until the point where there's no way to deny the fact that he was hurting me and he knew, and, and didn't care.

That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like, "But was it bad enough? What? It wasn't violent enough." Um, but I was being hurt multiple times every single day. Days, and days, and days, and days, for a month at a time in a row, uh, and I'm not even speaking on most, because I did touch on other things, but I am not even speaking on most of the other things that, in my opinion, I do think that there are some things that are across a line that make you a bad person.

I don't think that most people can be defined in a black and white, you're good or you're bad, but I do believe that there is a line that you can cross and only bad people will do the things on the other side of that line. You know what I mean? Um, and I watched a couple of things cross that line. And I just, I, I truly feel now that my soul is so healed.

Um, I am light years beyond him. Uh, this was the last thing that I felt like I needed to do — That's my cat. — Um, before I could move forward and hopefully never talk about him ever again. Outside of maybe my stories that I want to tell about other shitty things he did. Anonymously mixed in with the other stories I still have of shitty things that shitty exes did.

Because I think it's important for us to share our stories and our experiences. I think it's important for all of us to know that we deserve so much better than this. Um, and I think that if people don't want us to talk about the shitty things that they do, then they shouldn't do shitty things. Um, and this just felt so important to share.

I always wanted to share my experiences. I always will. Um, and that's kind of it. That's it. That's the end of everything I prepared. I reserve the right, uh, entirely to change my mind later and tell every story I want to, um, but for now that's all I really have, I feel like, from my soul, I want to speak on. Because I think that this can help other people.

I think that it can help other victims. Um, I have already talked to a number of — I only cry now when I'm talking about my friends! Who also dealt with such shitty things from shitty people. Um, but I'm also so, so grateful for all of my friends who were through, uh, with me through this whole thing. And my friends who also were experiencing similar, similar sorts of situations, um, at the same time, and we kind of went through it together. So, um, I think they are the strongest people in the whole world, and they made me feel like the strongest people in the whole world today. Did I call myself people? I meant person. I feel like the strongest people — I did it again. — I feel like the strongest person. They made me feel so brave. I felt impenetrable today. Um, but I am gonna go now because my friends are coming over and we're immediately gonna go become distracted by watching Love Is Blind. I already watched all of it already and I don't care.

So thank you, um, for listening. Thank you everyone who gifted subs. Um, um, I am going to be taking, uh, the rest of the week off from streaming. I have a video going out on Saturday and I'll be back next week and, uh, you won't hear about any of this again for a while, probably. But, uh, thank you all. I don't really even know what to do now. I think I'm just going to end. Um, go spread love all over the place on Twitch right now and I'll see you guys later. Bye.

Wilbur's response:

In the past week a series of allegations have been made over my conduct from an ex-girlfriend. I want to emphasise that, although I feel it fair to offer my perspective, this person's feelings are completely valid. I have taken my time sharing this statement as I wanted to process and respond respectfully and with the hope to gain a deeper understanding for the situation.

During our relationship's final months, I regrettably became slobbish, disrespectful, and selfish. These actions caused a lot of pain to my ex-girlfriend and I've since sought therapy to address these behaviours, making significant lifestyle changes to rectify my past actions. I have come to realise how much my past behaviour hurt this person, but I truly, compassionately believe I have made great strides from the person I once was and hope I can continue to grow and improve on this trajectory.

The allegation of abuse, particularly in the form of biting, deeply shocked me. Throughout our relationship, I understood from our numerous conversations and text message exchanges on the subject, that this behaviour was consensual, playful and reciprocally enjoyed. I truly believe those personal message exchanges reflect mutual affection and understanding. Out of respect for her, I choose not to publish them and I emphasise my perspective is not shared to diminish or invalidate anyone's feelings. Instead I share it in the hope that I can offer a genuine, fair and relevant insight into my understanding of the situation. While I may perceive our interactions differently, I recognise that this person has processed and expressed feelings of hurt. I want to extend my sincerest apologies for any pain that I caused.

I am fully committed to understanding and addressing her concerns going forward. I hope my perspective sheds light on this situation without detracting from its message. I am dedicated to earning and maintaining the trust of those around me and hope I continue to be held to these high standards I wish to attain and maintain.

- Will

Shubble's response:

i could not have imagined what i would wake up to today. my ex pretending he thought i enjoyed being hurt... and all of my friends immediately coming to my defense. The support has brought me to tears, i don't even know what to say. i'll be back, i'll just be taking a little time

and for the record, i don't accept the apology

[bonecoatvodtranscripts]

Transcript: talking about something more serious (Shubble VOD 2/21/2024)

CWs: physical abuse, emotional abuse/gaslighting, financial abuse, mentions of sexual assault

Feel free to reupload this transcript anywhere, I really don't care about credit for this one

--

Hello!

I don't know if you can even hear it. I put on, like, light jazz in the background because it seemed awkward being quiet, but I don't think you can hear it, so I'm just going to turn it off. Hello.

Welcome. We are in emote-only cause I'm just going to be talking today and then I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Yeah, it was very very low. There's no need. I just - it felt weird leaving you in silence, but I'm here, so.

Hello. I want to talk about something today that... I'm very nervous. I feel sweaty. I had a sweater on. I had to take it off.  I'm going to try and just - I wrote down pretty much everything I think that I want to say, to keep track of all the points that I want to make sure I don't forget anything, so I will be reading from something a good portion of the time, but not 100% of the time. And I just wanted to make sure I got all of my thoughts down in words ahead of time. I really like writing down my thoughts, so I did that. 

Oh, hold on. Can I turn ads off? I think that maybe we turn ads off today. (laughs) How do I make that happen for just today? I should have had that already. I actually don't even know how to make that happen. You know what? That's just going to have to be that way. I'm so sorry, um... I'm all good. 

Yeah, okay. Today's just going to be talking. I'm just going to start reading from what I wrote and go from there. I have a really big coffee. I'm going to take a swig. (drinks some coffee) And I have my water, and I'm going to take a swig of that. (drinks some water) 

I have always liked telling my different experiences that I've had in dating, because it feels important to me to share what I've learned and maybe help other people to not make the same mistakes that I have before. I'm 30. I've dated a lot. I've gone on a lot of dates. I keep trying, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history, there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me. But that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly. Some people just weren't the right people. And speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now, because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace. It's only keeping somebody else's peace. 

And I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I never thought that could happen to me. And so for me this is important, because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did, or hopefully avoid a similar situation entirely, because... (deep breath) The truth is it was dangerous. 

There were a lot of things wrong in this relationship that, um... I endured some pretty terrible treatment. And I might touch on some things here and there about that, if I feel like it's important to the overall context. But what I want to stay focused on is this specific issue, and the things that happened matter-of-factly and the things that people saw and witnessed in our circle. 

It took me 10 months after to heal, and I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. I tried somatic therapy. That one was actually really good for me, because that one actually helped me release a lot of built-up anger I was having over the last year. But the anger that I was feeling was for myself, because I felt like I should have known better. I felt so stupid at myself for staying through all of this. And I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists, and I was like, So this thing happened and I wasn't really sure. It just seems weird now to me, looking back. And all of them told me exactly what was happening in the words that I was too afraid to use. And I was being hurt in my last relationship, and it took me all of that time to see it through that lens. I even posted an anonymous story to Reddit that I have now deleted, with an anonymous account, but in posting that, I found a dozen other stories that were exactly like mine, exactly the same way. And all of the comments said exactly the same thing. 

And I was so mad at myself because I was lying, too, at a certain point, to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth, it would make him look really bad. 

I didn't think that I would cry, and I practiced saying all of this and I didn't cry, but it's easier to practice it when no one is listening. 

But he always cared more about how it looked, and that was really important. Not what was true. And it was really subtle. When I hear about... When I hear about physical abuse, I think of hitting. I think of hitting and punching. So I thought that this wasn't violent enough to be abuse. I thought that it was just, like, a constant accident that he kept hurting me. But he's not hitting me.

And it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me. He had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had this habit since he was a kid, and even his mom said that that was true, and he said it was just affectionate, and that might have been... I mean, I think that might have been true maybe at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie. But that's just my personal opinion. 

And I had no problem with just biting. That isn't even the most uncommon thing. But he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag. And he want wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me, because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me, which I thought was really weird considering he had never hurt me before, and so why would I call it abuse, and why was he thinking about that? And I thought he was being sweet, checking on me to make sure that I was still comfortable, but of course I was, because he hadn't hurt me. And why would I think he ever would? 

And then he did for the first time, by accident. And I don't specifically remember the actual first time that he bit me too hard by accident, because I didn't think that it would be significant. I thought that it would only happen once. And he started biting me more and more over a period of time, sort of throughout the whole relationship, and accidents of him biting too hard and really hurting me happened more and more frequently. But he always seemed genuinely sorry, and he decided that he didn't want to keep accidentally hurting me. So we were going to use a safeword so he could learn where my limit was, where my pain tolerance ended. And saying that out loud now doesn't sound - like, that's not very sound logic. But at the time, I thought he cared about not hurting me, but in reality it's like, why are you biting so hard? And why do you have to bite so hard? And it shouldn't be that hard of a problem to stop. That shouldn't be that hard.

And he disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship, and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends, to the point that he would do it in front of them. He thought it was this really funny story to tell, and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain. And then I have to laugh  it off, because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of our friends, and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine, nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned, and that's not anybody's fault, because I was lying. I was lying, and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I'd tell him how uncomfortable I was, how much I didn't like being hurt all the time, and I needed him to really stop biting so hard. I didn't like it, and I tried telling him over and over again, because he-

[VOD cuts] - asked him to stop again. This time he said, This is who he is. He isn't going to change. Those were his words. And I remember a lot of specifically his words about certain things, especially at the end, because I'm good at remembering words. Especially his wording, I became really good at remembering, because he was constantly contradicting himself. And I would notice, but most of the time it wasn't worth picking a fight over. But he would fight me on it sometimes, cause I would point it out, and he would insist that he had never said the thing 

that he said, he definitely did say. And then he would say something like, "How are you so sure you're remembering correctly? Why are you always right?" And he definitely said the things that I heard him say, and other people heard him say. 

So he had, now, at this point, weaponized the safeword, and was using it to ensure that I was hurt and on a constant basis, and he wasn't sorry anymore. I couldn't even tell you the last time he had apologized for doing it anymore, because now sometimes he would bite me, and I would yell out the safeword because it hurt so bad, and he'd clamp down even harder. Just for a second, just for good measure, before letting go. And sometimes I'd say the safeword, and he'd grind his teeth down on my skin, and sometimes he'd smile after, like a gloating grin.

And during this time I was filled with so much anxiety all the time that I was constantly nauseous, gagging daily, on occasion throwing up because of the pit that was in my stomach. I never told him about that, though. I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends. But I felt so unwanted and ignored. And I would tell him that, and then he would reassure me that he wanted to be together and he loved me. He loved me more than I loved him, even. He would always insist that that was true. Like that, "I love you." "I love you more." But he was, like, really serious about it. 

And looking back, I do believe that the way I was swept off my feet at the beginning of this relationship was 100% love bombing. And we were friends for a time. At least, people would have thought that, actually, but I use the word "friend" very loosely, because we had actually never spoke to each other outside of group chats we were in together, like, a handful of times throughout the whole time that we knew each other, but did not talk to each other. so I wouldn't have even called him my friend. Until he found out I was single, waited a few weeks to reach out, and then we started a friendship. And then that friendship turned romantic, and then he made these huge romantic gestures. He wrote me the most beautiful love letter that I had ever read. He called me his soulmate. He talked about forever one month in. He told me he hadn't been in a relationship in 5 years. He thought he could never find love again before he met me. He said he wanted someone to grow with. He wanted to be a dad. He had all his names picked out. And I didn't have a preference, because my feeling of it is, if the timing is right, and with the right person I could. But if that doesn't work out in time, or the timing, you know, I'm not super pressed about it. 

But I started opening my mind up to the idea with him, because it seemed so important to him. And I kept trying to talk to him to figure out where he was later on when I could tell things were declining, and now, all of a sudden he's telling me he's not sure he wants kids at all. In fact, he has never been attached to the idea of kids. And I told him that isn't what he said before, and he said he's allowed to change his mind. And I'm of the opinion that in a relationship, there are a few things that you are not actually allowed to change your mind without letting your partner know. I think that kids is one of them. It wasn't even important to me. And I think marriage is one of them, so I brought that up next. And I asked if he still wanted marriage. He said he wanted to marry me. And then he said now, "I'm not the-" this is a quote, "I'm not the commitment guy. You know that." 

I didn't know that. Why are you dating me? In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day. He would tell me he still wanted to be together. He wanted to work on all of the problems. He wanted me at the end of everything. He did not want to break up. He made that very clear.

I have, though, caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff, and again, I didn't want to - It wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over. Which isn't normal for me. I hate lies. And yet I ended up lying for him. But he had lied about big things, and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times. So this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. 

And everything reached a breaking point when he was about to leave for an extended period of time. We were not going to see each other very much- a few days out of every few months. And now suddenly he is dumping all of these problems that he has been having feelings about all of this time later. At one point he said he's been feeling this way a couple months. At another point he says he's been feeling this way for six months, immediately contradicting himself in the same conversation. And with no time to do anything about it. I arrive the one of- Never mind. I'm going to get to something later. But I literally arrived for 3 days for this conversation to happen and then leave.

(cat mews) My cat just woke up and she's not usually awake right now. (leans to cat, offscreen) Hi, my love. It's really close to her dinner time. I should have fed her early. 

So, no time to fix any of the problems all of a sudden, because there are three days before he leaves. And he insisted he did not want to break up. And so he was expecting me to have a solution somehow magically, and I gave a number of solutions that would have a way forward for us to be together, but he refused to make any compromise whatsoever. And he said that the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility towards the end. Also his words. So it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him. 

And he was at this point basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. (talking to cat, indistinct) And I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum. I was asking for so little. And he - I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. 

And also, he was never going to prioritize me over anything that would give him more fame or money. In fact, he said that himself. That was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution for us to be together, because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. And I just thought we wanted to be together. I thought that's what we both wanted, because that's what he was still saying he wanted, too. 

But then he also admitted to me that he had grown to resent me. And I have to be thankful that he said that bit out loud - a lot of these bits, he said out loud - because that was the last push that I needed to get myself out. He had grown resentful, which I also pointed out that there was no reason to feel that way, and he admitted that there was no reason for him to feel that way either. I think that it was because I'm someone who can communicate how I feel.

But I don't know. I have a lot of theories and reasons why I believe things happened the way that they did, and why he was lying all of the time. But he was resentful of me, was causing me physical harm every day, multiple times a day, despite me telling him over and over again to stop. He wasn't going to change and he wasn't going to end the relationship. He was going to keep hurting me, and it was possibly going to escalate even further. So I broke up with him. And I didn't even want to, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after what it really was that had 

happened, that he had abused me. And in fact we left things as, we want to be friends, and he can never imagine not speaking to me again. And then he never spoke to me again, outside of, like, a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped, so at least I got my clothes back. I had a whole closet full. However, he did throw away all of my other things without saying a word to me about it. Hundreds of dollars of things from my office were trashed without a word. And I didn't block him till 10 months later because I wanted an open door still. I really thought I wanted to be his friend. But, uh, I don't feel that way anymore.

I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions, and he would never talk about how he felt. I think he even - I mean, he did admit that he felt like he couldn't say it any sooner, like there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance. Not even a chance, because 3 days before he left - that was actually a lie too, also. He didn't leave for another week after I left. He brought me in, had this three-day conversation. He was supposed to leave, and then he stayed for another week before he left with all of the friends that I was also meant to see, but he had lied to me about the dates, too. 

But I do believe that he was bottling up so many emotions that he was taking it out on me physically. I believe there was a moment where he knew that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, and instead of just ending it, he tried to push me away any way he knew would hurt me. And he knew all of the ways that would hurt me the most. And he knew he was hurting me. There was no way that he didn't know, because of the safeword that he made, and he just didn't care. He was hurting me, and he didn't care, and even looked like he was enjoying it sometimes. 

And I can look back now and I can see all these instances that were really major red flags. There was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me. And I couldn't do it, obviously, and he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. Fight back against what? What do you mean? You don't say shit like that to people. That's insane. And I was also sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend, and he knew that.

He had stopped giving anything to the relationship, and he said that why was because he was just waiting for things to change on their own. He said he also didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me. And he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online because we were long distance, but then he would complain that he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore. And then we'd be there in person and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movies. He doesn't want to go out.

And I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean. He lived in filth like I have never seen. And I've seen filth. This was the worst. He would spill things on the floor and never, literally never clean them up. He got an ant infestation once, and wasn't going to do anything about it because he said he said "Bugs are normal in British houses," so I had to buy ant killer. And he wouldn't clean his bathroom for months and months and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled, and I would tell him, "That's mold. It's mold." He complained about being tired all the time, too, which I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mold will do that too. But he would insist that it wasn't, somehow, without having cleaned in months, but it's not mold. 

When I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent. Just he wasn't using that at all, and I don't know for how long before I met him. He was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets. And I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner. I thought he just didn't know how. And I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing, and I was like, he just doesn't know how. Someone just needs to show him. And then I found out that he said he doesn't clean at all when I'm not there, because he just waits for me to get there to do it. And I only found out about that after we broke up, because he said it behind my back.

I was doing all of the cleaning and laundry for him. Also, I had a separate bathroom. I want to make that clear I wasn't using that bathroom. I had a separate bathroom that I cleaned for myself. I had cleaning supplies. I don't think he even actually knew I had cleaning supplies in there. But I had my own bathroom.

All the cleaning, all the laundry, all of it. I was paying for all of the, like, paper towels, soap. All of that only stayed in the house so long as I was buying it. I would arrive and there would just not be toilet paper in the whole house. There were paper towels instead. And who knows for how long, too. I was paying for food more than half the time, because he would often push me into ordering food for us, even if I had paid for the last meal or the meal before that. And I'm of the opinion now that I shouldn't have been paying for any food. None at all, But I wanted to, at least, I thought I was being equal by at least doing, like, a back and forth. But I ended up paying for food more often than just going back and forth anyway. And he would do this to his friends all the time, too.

But I was also paying for every plane ticket and the catsitter, which cost roughly the amount of a plane ticket to England. And he never offered to help me pay after the couple of times he did come here to visit me, because he paid for the flights that we would both take. But that only happened twice at the very beginning. I have actually had a friend tell me that this is financial abuse, but I don't know enough about that to say for myself. But I was telling him that I couldn't afford it all by myself all the time, because I was losing money. I was never able to work properly there, and he wasn't traveling at all to see me anymore, even though he said he would. That was, like, the basis of our entire relationship starting off. So then he agreed to pay for the catsitter so that it would be basically paying half the cost of my travels. And he did that once. (pause) And then never did it again despite many more months of dating. And I was traveling often. I had to, because he was worried that we weren't spending enough quality time together. And then all of the time that he would have ever extra, he would choose - choose - to not spend it on me, because there was an available choice and he chose not to spend it with me often. 

And I did everything short of just up and move there, which I was willing to do the whole time, and I told him that I was willing to do it and he knew, but he insisted that I don't. He insisted not to. He was planning to move here. That was supposed to happen first. And then at the end of the relationship, he said maybe things would have been different if I lived there. If I lived there, like I had said I would the whole time, and he insisted I don't. Maybe that could have saved the relationship. 

And I say all of this because I believe that people like this are genuinely dangerous. I believe he is dangerous. He was willing to lie. He was willing to do harm to someone he claimed to love more than anyone he has ever loved. His actions escalated, and I don't think that I'll be the last person that he hurts. And I felt like sharing my story was really important to warn people. I want people to see the signs that I refused to. I want you to listen to your body and get out as soon as possible. Tell your friends the truth and let them help you.

I really thought I couldn't - because I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. I just thought I was so much smarter. And I was like, if someone ever laid their hands on me, I'd leave immediately. It would never happen a second time. But you just, it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse and worse and worse until the point where there's no way to deny the fact that he was hurting me and he knew and didn't care. That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like, "But was it bad enough? It wasn't violent enough." But I was being hurt multiple times every single day, days and days and days and days for a month at a time in a row. 

And I'm not even speaking on most - because I did touch on other things, but I am not even speaking on most of the other things that, in my opinion, I do think that there are some things that are across a line that make you a bad person. I don't think that most people can be defined in a black-and-white "you're good or you're bad," but I do believe that there's a line that you can cross, and only bad people will do the things on the other side of that line, you know what I mean?

And the number of - (voice breaks, covers her mouth) I only cry now when I'm talking about my friends! Who also dealt with such shitty things from shitty people! But I'm also so, so grateful for all of my friends who were with me through this whole thing, and my friends who also were experiencing similar sorts of situations, at the same time, and we kind of went through it together. So I think they are the strongest people in the whole world, and they made me feel like the strongest people in the whole world today. Did I call myself people? I meant person. I feel like the strongest people - (laughs) I did it again. I feel like the strongest person. They made me feel so brave. I felt impenetrable today. 

But I am going to go now because my friends are coming over and we're immediately going to go become distracted by watching Love is Blind. I already watched all of it already, and I don't care. So thank you for listening. Thank you everyone who gifted subs. I am going to be taking the rest of the week off from streaming. I have a video going out on Saturday, and I'll be back next week, and you won't hear about any of this again for a while, probably, but thank you all. 

I don't really even know what to do now. I think I'm just going to end. Go spread love all over the place on Twitch right now, and I'll see you.

[misfitclassismyfreetherapy]

Mairuma Incorrect Quotes.

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Two words. Dark humor.

⚠️ Spoilers for my fanfic! ⚠️

Incorrect quote #1

Kerori: Okay, genuinely because I know some people here didn't get accepted for their sexuality so me and Iruma decided to give you guys, free tickets for Kuromu's concert- and free food.

Iruma: *nods*

Lied: ..I feel attacked, but you gave me free tickets and food so I won't complain.

Agares: .... can Gaap come too?

Kerori: Yes, yes you can bring your future hoe-

Agares: Shut up, or I won't go Mrs. Inferior and Superior Complex.

Kerori: Don't need to out me like that bro.

Purson, who has just been watching the whole time: ...

( I HC Lied,Iruma and Agares to be crossdressers. So they hang out sometimes and Purson knew about the whole thing but didn't say anything.)

Incorrect quote #2

Lied: Iruma-kun you are honestly checks off all the attractive looks. Hot, sexy, cute and pretty. Even I was strucked when you went out as Irumeanie. No homo tho.

Irumean: Well, what can I say? My anxiety is chronic but my looks are iconi-

Purson: Iruma no-

( These three is my second favourite trio. Love trio took first place because of their undeniable wholesomeness.-and poly couple goals- )

Incorrect quote #3

Kalego: If everyone jumps off a bridge, would you?

Purson: Kalego- sensei- okay first of all. I'll be the one to jump off first-

Kalego: Therapy session next week.

( He makes the Misfit Class go to therapy and he pays for all of them. Remind you that in my AU one demon to go to therapy is like 10,000 Vill a month or more because it's hard to find demons who actually care for others. )

Incorrect quote #4

Lied: Hello, hello everyone! When I came out to my dad he said "'I have no son!"

Jazz: You know you can't just cope like this right?

Lied: I'll do that when you and Allocer stop coping with smoking shit.

Jazz: Understandable, have a great day.

Incorrect quote #5

Dantalion: Kalego, you should really stop drinking coffee in front of your class. It's affecting your students.

Kalego: Where's the proof?

Dantalion: *points to Agares*

Agares holding his 5th coffee: More espresso,* sips * less depresso.

Kalego: What, he ain't wrong?

Dantalion: You send your students to therapy and yet YOU DO THIS SHIT-

( Agares is addicted to coffee )

Incorrect quote #6

Lied: Name one thing you hate about yourself go! I'll start first. Not being good enough.

Iruma: My anxiety.

Asmodeus: My feelings.

Agares: The lost of my will to live.

Kerori: My inferior/superior complex.

Clara: My abandonment issues and my body.

Elizabetta: My-

Kalego: Enough. You brats, I'm only gonna do this once but I'm treating you guys for lunch, no strings attached.

Misfit Class: ...

Lied: ... who are you and what did you do to our father figure-

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ENDING

So yeah some examples. I'm still trying to find the angst for each of the Misfit Class individual. Yes even Camui. An arguably a better version of Mineta. I can argue forever on how Mairuma is better than MHA. But I'll save that for a post. So enjoy misfit class suffer.

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Claire has logged off

[firsttarotreader]

Ask for the cards, although i dont know if this is something appropriate to ask cards… but how much does he have to try to hide his darker side/mood swings/gloominess/grumpiness in daily life?

If this sounds weird, hear me out. I may be a bit cynical when it comes to people, but i truly believe no one is perfect (duh) and certainly no one is as nice as Pedro to everyone. Its just not possible, people are moody creatures, and cant like every single person at any given time. Life is too hectic. While to most fans this ‘everyone speaks so highly of him’ thing is ‘awww honey boo boo 🥹🥹’, to me is like 🤔 that much of a narcissist huh. Hes the same with everyone, and everyone is different so i dont see how that works. I reckon he doesnt do it for others, he does it for himself because he needs to be liked and all that jazz you know very well about. Thats why no one sticks around other than ‘friends/staff’ he keeps as a satellite because hes terrified to be alone (that says a lot about someone). It could literally be anyone who would be willing to go after him with not much commitment on his end. His standards on people are quite low imo. Now im not here to diagnose pedro’s issues for which the man needs therapy, and a lot of it, but yeah just wondering. Thank you and sorry if this is not appropriate for the cards.

Hello! I asked the cards your question and the first pull was the 7 of Coins, The Lovers and The Tower.

7 of Coins means it’s a lot about time and investment and a growing connection, with long term results. The Lovers represents harmonious friendships or partnerships, while The Tower points to things crumbling, falling apart, sudden and radical changes or shakeups. It looks like time is what makes a difference. When he invests in the friendship/relationship, you will see the great connection you can build, but you will also see whatever has to fall apart falling apart. The harmonious part is not fake, though.

The second pull was the Page of Wands, 2 of Cups and Ace of Swords. Page of Wands is the energetic, enthusiastic boy ready to start new things, to experiment the new. 2 of Cups followed by Ace of Swords makes me think that if you love that spontaneous and fiery energy you love it right because it’s all quite clear. He’s probably able to communicate and be honest and not let things in the shadows or unclear.

I did ask for a card to sum it up and it was the 4 of Swords. This card is about feeling exhausted, in need of resting and solitude in order to recharge or recover. This could mean that it all has to do with being close or taking time to develop the relationship.

He doesn’t seem to be hiding much of his “darker side”, but it will appear more as time goes by and as you spend time with him building something. He also might tend to distance himself from people in certain situations when he feels worn out, emotionally or physically. The distance makes a difference, and also how long this connection will be going on for.

[stars-burn]

DP x DC Prompt 2

I adore the Danny is actually Danyal al Ghul fics as much as anyone, but we’re actually missing out on something fascinating: Danny is Respawn au.

Putting the rest below the cut because Respawn’s story is rather gore-y, and I don’t want to surprise anyone in the prompt tags. but tl;dr: Respawn is a “cloned” irish twin of Damian’s, the child of Slade Wilson and Talia al Ghul.

A genetically engineered child of Talia al Ghul and Deathstroke (I don’t know why DC calls this a clone. I disagree, there are two parents. He’s just a test tube baby.), engineered by Ra’s and used as a guinea pig and an organ donor for Damian whenever Damian needed something. Respawn has no proper name but chewed his arm off to escape Ra’s al Ghul. In the comics, he’d heard the name Deathstroke and so sought him out, adopting a similar costume to try and get his father’s attention. What if he had no idea who his father was? And just wanted to escape as far away as he could, and thus ended up getting taken in by the Fentons (Jazz in particular ofc) while they were on some ghost hunting research trip. Respawn getting a name and he’s also got friends now, who don’t mind how weird he is, and Dash Baxter thinks he’s so tough but he means absolutely nothing to him so Respawn just ignores it. Basically Respawn as Danny is a feral as Damian in his own ways. With a bonus of: if we go with lazarus pools + ectoplasm, getting therapy by attacking pit demons to protect others (and himself because hello~ PTSD). It’s also a reason why he isn’t particularly bothered by Maddie and Jack talking about vivisecting Phantom. He’s been there and done that with his ‘grandfather’ and got the t-shirt. He’d like to think his adoptive parents are better, but it won’t break him if they aren’t. The only thing that does irritate him is hearing about Damian Wayne’s exploits and the whole stupid family. Bonus points if his existence warns Tim that he should be on the lookout for surprise kids as well, given Ra’s al Ghul took his spleen. Triple bonus points if hearing about that is the only reason Danny-as-Respawn bothers to visit Gotham. Because no way should someone else go through what he did.

[marvellouspinecone]

Ohhhh, you know what would be beautiful?

We'll have River meet Yaz - that needs to happen anyway in my book - maybe she'll show up at the support group or something. And then we need the Doctor Moon in her pocket on some device (sneakily listening in on the companions talking or maybe River muted herself for the therapy session) and we need a working hologram implant on Yaz.

And then they meet :)

(tbh I am very tempted to draw Dr. Moon on some screen perched on a desk side by side with hologram!13 watching with puzzled looks as Yaz and River flirt in the background)

I am very in love with the phone Dr. Moon idea. Even if it is revealed he isn't the Doctor (or it never is revealed whether he is). It can be a little bit like 12 in Clara's ear in Flatline, making commentaries and helping out technically. Or I assume like Mr Smith, but I don't actually know SJA, so Idk how fitting that comparison actually is.

If he still is in the library and live streaming and not just some downloaded copy, we could have Anita or Cal or someone take over from time to time to say hello to River and help out.

River has an archaeological problem: "Sweetie, get me Dave for a second, will you? This is his specialty subject, I need a second opinion and frankly, in this regard you are - practically useless."

"River! I am in the biggest library in the universe! I can just look it -"

"This is no book knowledge, dear, and we're kinda [in whatever mortal danger they are in]. Dave? Please? In your own time?"

And obligatory "River thinks Yaz is the Doctor" for a sec PLEASE! Yeah i think it'd be epic if they met and the hologram started glitching in and out of different versions of the Doctor bc of interference from both River and Doctor Moon.

Yeah, it's a whole pocket sized expert team!

ANITA i kind of forgot that was lowkey obsessed with Anita, do you wanna see a moodboard type thing i made for her?

Well i'm showing you anyways. If River has some contact with the Library inhabitants still, i DEFO wanna see some more character moments for Anita. She got her face back, is she still genius? If personality traits can be changed so easily when you are just code - how can you be sure that you are a real you? Basically i want some existential themes, questioning humanity and all that jazz, her arc would fit nicely with River's here, since River is also just code now. How easily River can be changed from outside, who got her out of the Library and for what purpose and what is the price? It can very quickly go extremely dark, but i hope we can keep the balance

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Wonderful World - Part 13

Hello friends, here's the next one! I hope you like it! A lot of it is Harry and Celeste in session for those of you who like those parts!

Series Masterlist

WC: 10.1K

Celeste had been pretty quiet when Diana picked her up from Geri’s on Saturday afternoon. She seemed really in her head and even a bit secretive so Diana was a bit worried that maybe something had happened. She had asked already, but Celeste just said she was fine so Diana decided to drop it and just keep an eye on her just in case. It was going to be her last week of school, she had exams coming up and plenty of rehearsing for the final concert the school’s jazz combo was having on the upcoming Thursday. It was going to be a pretty intense week and as much as Diana wanted to just beg her to talk to her about whatever had her acting strange she decided to just trust her and leave her alone. She’d come to her if and when she needed her. Diana had distractions of her own though…

She’d spent basically the whole day with Harry and it gave her no chance to stop thinking about the wonderful night they had together…and then the morning too. The morning had been really good…He’d gone down on her and that’s how she had woken up and well…she returned the favor. But as she showered he had made her breakfast and they ate, and then he gave her a tour of his place and then they lounged around and just talked over some cooking show droning in the background until she had to get home and change before picking up Celeste. She did feel really guilty when she saw Celeste…but then she remembered that Celeste was upset at Harry and that she wouldn’t be taking her to therapy on Monday, which was great. Harry fully intended on showing up to her concert on Thursday, so she had some time to get past the guilt and awkwardness of them being all together on that occasion. It was dinner time now and Celeste had literally been locked away in her room all day, so Diana just shouted up the stairs for her to come eat. Moments later she heard her steps coming down the stairs and she appeared in the kitchen.

“What’re we having?”

“Picadillo. Do you want rice or tortillas?” She asked her as she looked in the fridge.

“Tortillas.” Celeste responded.

“Me too.” Diana hummed and reached for those instead a pulled out her comal - which was basically an iron griddle but for tortillas. She got it on the stove and let it heat up. “So, you’ve been locked in there all day? Are you studying?”

“Yeah…” she hummed and Diana nodded.

“Good. How are you feeling about your final exams?”

“They shouldn’t be too hard…I’m a little worried about Math, but it’s math…”

“You have an A-!” Diana said with a smile and Celeste shrugged.

“If I don’t do good I’ll have a B though…”

“Yeah, that’s fine. B’s happen. And well, I think it’s great to have goals and to push yourself to do as best as you can, but I just want you to know that I won’t harp on you for a B.” She assured and Celeste nodded and smiled. She liked being good at school, Diana never had to push her to do better, she just liked it and she was a smart kid, but that also meant that she could be really tough on herself. Like Diana was…she knew all about this, but her parents did pressure her to be the best, to only get A’s, and well, whether parents believed it or not, pressuring your kid into perfectionism like that can do a lot of damage to their self confidence and she didn’t want that for Celeste. “So…Monday’s your birthday. Do you want to go out just the two of us? Or did you make plans with your friends?” Diana asked.

“Well we did talk about seeing either Guardian’s of the Galaxy or Into the Spider-verse Monday night since on Tuesday we just have to talk about our English paper to the class and then present our Historical event. Ozzy is just finishing up his paper tonight so that he doesn’t have to scramble.”

“Oh, OK. What time is that at?”

“Well, Spiderman is at 7:35 and Guardians of the Galaxy is at 7:50.” She explained.

“Gosh, why so late?” Diana asked with a small grimace.

“Geri starts her volleyball camp thing after school.” Celeste explained.

“Well, that’s cool with me as long as you are ready for your Tuesday finals. Maybe we can grab dinner beforehand?” She asked as she set the tortilla’s down into the heat now.

“Ummm…actually, I was hoping it’s not too late to…be able to talk to Dr. Styles.” She said and Diana turned around with a frown.

“Did something happen at the dance?” She asked immediately and Celeste shook her head right away.

“No!” She responded quickly and Diana looked at her with some skepticism, “I swear!” She insisted and Diana sighed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! I just…I wanted to talk to him about taking a break over the summer.” She explained and Diana’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Like things are good now. And I know that doesn’t mean that I don’t need therapy, but maybe just not as frequently? And like…I’m still really upset at him, mom and I just don’t want to drag this feeling with me anymore. Like he really…hurt my feelings.” She explained with a slight frown and Diana pouted when she heard Celeste say that. “I really needed him there, mom.” She said and Diana nodded in understanding, “And everything else is good except that. And I don’t want that negativity to drag into my summer. I think I just need to tell him and…maybe I’ll get over it sooner.” She said and Diana bit her lip.

“Yeah, alright. I’ll let him know if you’re really sure.” Diana said to her.

“I am. I thought you wanted me to go?” She asked.

“Well, yeah. But in your own time.”

“Ummm, mom?”

“Yeah?” 

“The tortillas are burning.” Celeste informed her flatly and Diana whipped around quickly to see that they were smoking as they started to get charred.

“Oh shit!” She exclaimed as she rushed over and she heard Celeste giggling behind her. “Yeah, yeah I know I said a bad word and I owe you 5 bucks.” Diana mumbled as she picked the burnt tortillas off of the heat.

“I’ll let this one slide because you’ve never said one in front of me before.” Celeste joked and Diana chuckled.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” She responded with slight sarcasm. 

**********

Celeste had been thinking about how she was going to communicate her frustration to Dr. Styles for the past 2 days. She wasn’t sure why she was still so angry and disappointed at him for not showing up. Even she knew that he had to have a good reason for it, but she didn’t care. A part of her believed that she was his favorite patient…that they had a special relationship or bond because they were connected in more ways that one through her mom’s friends. Maybe he did give his cell to all his clients to call him whenever they needed anything. Maybe he went out of his way for all of his clients and hugged them and was really nice to them. And suddenly her anger towards him felt more like sadness…sadness that maybe she put more weight on their relationship than he did. In truth she really liked Dr. Styles, she liked that she could tell that he cared about her. And well…she did like having him around. They all had so much fun at Disneyland or when they went to have sushi that one night…or when he took her advice and adopted Misty…When he was around it kind of felt like she had a dad. Or if she could have a dad she’d want him to be like Dr. Styles and maybe that was an issue… and now she was regretting her decision to come talk to him.

She felt so weird about that and her nerves were making her feel anxious as they rode up to his office in the elevator. As soon as the bell dinged indicating they had reached his floor they walked out and just went a few doors down the hall to his office. Her mom pulled the door open for her and as Celeste went to step inside she was completely shocked to see Dr. Styles smile and jump up from leaning on the reception desk. He had a pocket amp clipped to his belt loop and he had this gorgeous, cream colored electric guitar over him and he immediately started to play the “Happy Birthday” tune in a very edgy, rock style as he sang along. She couldn’t help but smile wide in surprise at this impromptu performance. She glanced back to her mom who looked just as surprised as she did but quickly jumped in to sing along softly with her hands on Celeste’s shoulders.

“Happy birthday dear, Celeeee-est!” he sang, “Happy birthday to you!” He finished the song with a bright smile as her mom started to clap and whoop softly. Celeste knew that her face was likely all pink in embarrassment and as Dr. Styles turned around she caught a glimpse of a cupcake on a plate and he pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit up the sparkly candle that was sunken into the icing and he handed it over to her. “Make a wish.” He said with a smile as he handed the little plate to her and she mulled it over for a second.

She was too busy thinking to notice Dr. Styles briefly glance up to her mom and she shook her head as she mouthed a “thank you” to him at his little surprise. Celeste finally blew out her candle and both Dr. Styles and her mom clapped for her. 

“I wasn’t sure what flavor you preferred so I just went with chocolate because well, s’the best. And there’s raspberry compote inside. S’real gourmet.” He said with a smile and Celeste chuckled.

“Ummm, well chocolate’s my favorite so it works out.” She assured with gratitude and she felt some of her sadness fade away. Surely he didn’t do this for all of his patients’ birthdays.

“Perfect.” He responded, “And you can take your time and eat it here or we can head back and you an eat it there. Or even save it for later? I bought these little takeaway boxes at the culinary store to keep it safe when I brought it over.” He was rambling a bit. Diana knew it was because he was a bit nervous because he knew that somewhere in there Celeste was still upset at him

“We can head in.” She said and he nodded and guided her back. He glanced at Diana once again who wasn’t really instilling any confidence in him at the moment with the small smile she offered him as she took a seat and then he headed inside his office. Celeste had set the cupcake down on the coffee table and had beelined to Misty who was resting on her tower. “Hi Misty.” She said quietly and presented her hand to let her know she was coming closer and misty just took a lick before Celeste started petting her head gently.

“Have you had a good day with it being your birthday and all?” Harry asked as he settled into his seat.

“Yeah…just had my P.E. and geography finals.” She shared, still focused on the cat, “Then just hung out in the library with Geri so we could finish our History presentations.”

“Oh, OK. Were you able to finish up?”

“Yeah.” She responded as she kept petting Misty. 

It was a bit tense and awkward between them right now because Harry knew that initially she didn’t want to see him at all. And well, he did want to apologize to her for letting her down…maybe he should’ve saved the birthday song for the end of the session after they had hopefully patched things up. It was quiet for a few minutes as she just stayed with Misty and Harry sighed and decided he just needed to get to the matter at hand. He shouldn’t be feeling this badly or nervous around a child…especially one that was his patient! But maybe the biggest issue here was that Celeste wasn’t just a patient to him. He cared about her in a bigger way even before he had properly accepted his feelings for Diana. He had a soft spot for her and he just wanted to help her and be there for her and take care of her however he could.

“Ummm Celeste, can we talk for a minute?” He asked and she hummed, “But come here please, you can bring th cat with you.” He said and she carefully grabbed Misty and sat in her usual spot but her eyes stayed fixed on Misty in her lap, “Please look at me. Unless you’re still upset, which I would totally understand but I just want to properly apologize to you.” He said to her and she glanced up at him. Her eyes had started to well up a bit and he frowned, “I’m really, really sorry for letting you down and not showing up to the meeting after I promised a million times I’d be there to support you.” He said and she sniffled, it pained him to know that he had been the person who had let her down after everything, “A client came in and was in total crisis. It was a really big emergency and I tried my best to finish up as fast as possible, but things like that really require me to be thorough to ensure my patients’ safety and I just…I took a lot longer than I expected. By the time I was comfortable in letting him go home it was almost 8:30 and I immediately knew I had messed up.” He said and she wiped under her eye with her hand. 

“I really needed you there.” She sniffled as she finally looked into his eyes properly. He felt this horrible knot in his chest at being the reason why she was so upset.

“I know you did. And I promised I would be, but this was out of my hands. As a psychiatrist I have a responsibility to all of my clients, especially when they’re in crisis. That takes priority over everything else, it could mean a person’s life.” He explained, “And you have every right to be upset, I’m upset too for letting you down like this. I at least wanted to tell your mum, but I didn’t really get a chance to until afterwards.” He said to her and she sighed shakily as her tears kept flowing.

“I just felt like you didn’t care about me or that maybe because we had crossed too many boundaries with you hanging out with us and stuff like that and that you had changed your mind.” She explained and he shook his head.

“No, no I didn’t change my mind. And well…I think that…maybe we have crossed into a more friendly territory which certainly adds more strain and expectations to our relationship.” He agreed, “And well that’s not really your fault. I’ve let the boundary slip, but it’s because I care about you and your mum and her friends are my friends and it’s…just made it easier to let those things mix for me. And that’s completely my responsibility.” He assured her, “I’m really sorry, Celeste. And I understand if you’re still upset, I just wanted to explain myself and apologize for letting you down. I never meant to hurt your feelings like this.”

“No, I understand. And I do forgive you.” She said and he sighed in relief.

“Thank you. I really needed that, I promise you I’ve felt like shit since then.” He confessed.

“You said ‘shit’ so you owe me $5.” She said without really thinking about it.

“What? Did we set up a no cursing rule I forgot about?” He asked in confusion and her eyes widened. 

“Oh no…that’s just…w-with my family. And well, Grace too. Sorry…my mom said that word yesterday when she burned some food by accident and I guess it was just fresh on my mind.” She explained quickly, “Like deja vu you know?” She said with a bit of nerves now and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s alright.” He assured her. Did she think of him as family? That was the first question that came to his mind. “Umm…you had asked your mum to cancel before and well, you’re here now, right? So what did you want to talk about today?” He asked her as he just decided to move on from this incident which clearly had also made her feel a bit weird.

“Ummm…I know I said I’ve forgiven you just now but I ummm…I was still really upset yesterday by you not showing up and I just needed to talk to you about it because it’s really been messing with me and I just thought that if we got a chance to talk about it, it might help me just get over it.”

“Well do you feel like it has?”

“I guess? I don’t know…like I just…took it really personally and I know I shouldn’t. But I just did and I was just trying to understand why.” She disclosed. 

And well, Celeste knew why now…she had talked to her mom about it already, but she definitely didn’t want to talk to Dr. Styles about this. It would probably make him feel awkward and uncomfortable with her if she explained that…in a way she viewed him as a father. And more than that, it was embarrassing! This was a classic “teen with daddy issues latches to any male figure who shows her a little bit of care” situation. She felt like a cliche! And truly, she believed her life was absolutely perfect until she had started to come to therapy. Her mom had done everything she could to give her everything she could and she took such good care of her, but she could see more than ever how having more help with her made her mom calmer and less worried about her. And more than that, having someone else to go to about issues with her mom had helped their relationship. It had provided a buffer that was so needed but that they’d never had before. It made her feel more supported, like more people had her back and protected her and looked out for her. And when Dr. Styles failed to show up she felt like…he had taken that away from her and it hurt and made her angry.

And as the thought about it now she kind of understood why her mom was so hesitant to date. Maybe her mom was afraid of being in a situation like what had happened to her and Dr. Styles…like one day someone would fail to be there or even pull the rug out from under her and all those wonderful things that come with having another person in the picture would be gone. Letting someone one in also meant presenting an opportunity for getting hurt and that was always scary.

“Celeste?” Harry’s voice called her out of her thoughts and she glanced back to him, “You seem to be thinking about a lot. Do you want to share any of those thoughts? And we can work through some of them to get to the bottom of why you might have taken this so hard?” He asked her.

“Umm…it’s alright.” She shook her head and he tried not to frown a bit. Did she not trust him anymore? Had his absence hurt her in such a way that she didn’t feel like she could be vulnerable with him again.

“You have every right to be upset at me and I won’t be upset at you if you have something negative to say about me or this situation.” He assured her and she bit her lip and shook her head.

“It’s not that. I just think I can manage this on my own.” She said. She was having flashbacks of her dream now and how she called him dad in the heat of an argument. Her face started to go red as she recalled his shock and near horror in her dream. He would surely react in a similar way.

“So you know why you’re still upset at me?” He asked and she nodded. “OK. And I’m sure you can handle it too, but this has a lot to do with my actions and why speculate about them when I’m right here to explain myself or defend myself to you?” He questioned her logic.

“Because it actually has nothing to do with you.” She sighed, “You’re not responsible for how I react though.” She said.

“Well, yes. I can’t actually choose that for you, but I am your therapist and clearly something about this is causing you some turmoil that you don’t want to be feeling and it is my job to help you work through that. To rationalize it and to help you understand where those feelings might be coming from. And especially when my actions have caused you to feel this way I am even more responsible for helping you resolve this.” He insisted and she shook her head.

“Well maybe I just don’t want to talk to you about this.” She said and he frowned.

“Well why not?”

“Because!” She slightly raised her voice.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Yes!” She groaned and moved Misty out of her lap as she stood up and paced a bit to calm down, “I don’t want to be though! I shouldn’t be…like it’s not that serious!”

“Well clearly it is…” He said and she huffed, completely frustrated, “And if you have an issue with me we need to resolve it for the sake of your progress and our ability to continue working together.” He explained and she looked really nervous.

“What if it’s not something you’ll want to hear?” She asked him.

“Whatever it is, I can handle it. I promise you I can handle it.” He assured her. He was feeling nervous now about what she might say. Being a psychiatrist who practiced a lot more therapy than most psychiatrists he had heard some insane things and knowing Celeste, it wouldn’t be all that bad, but he still felt a bit nervous anytime someone had something to say about him, especially if they were upset at him. She looked so anxious over whatever she was going to say and she just walked over to his sideboard with the record table and looked at the things he had on there as she worked up the courage to explain to him why she had been so impacted by his absence.

Celeste didn’t want him to think that she was weird for feeling like he was a paternal figure to her. She didn’t want him to tell her that maybe she should find another therapist now…there were a lot of ways this could go, but none of them panned out well in her imagination. Yes, her mom had said that these feelings were normal and that this could happen, but that still made her feel odd about it. Especially because she knew that to him, she was just another patient. Another person who paid for his time…who knows how many people sat in the same spot she did and received his empathy, care, and support! She didn’t like feeling this way around him, unsure and nervous…he usually made her feel safe and looked after and she was scared that it was going to change everything. 

“I ummm…I had a dream the other night where we were here and I was really angry at you f-for bailing on the meeting and I was just shouting at you…” she said as she lifted the needle to the record player. Her eyes started welling up as the anxiety got the best of her, “and I…I called you “dad” on accident and you freaked out on me and kicked me out of here.” She said and then whipped around to see his reaction. He did look a bit caught off guard but not upset or weirded out.

“Oh.” Was all he said. He was definitely feeling nervous now because well yeah, for a normal client-clinician relationship this needed to be addressed and boundaries needed to be tightened up. But for them it was more complex. It wasn’t just her mind blurring the lines, he had literally blurred the lines. He had done more than he should have, he got more involved, he made things more personal…he cared about her more than just a client. He wouldn’t go as far as saying that he saw her as a daughter, but he did feel more affection for her as an extension of Diana. He knew that if he were to find a way to be with Diana that he would take on that role for Celeste, but he had no idea that he’d already been doing that for her.

He was silent for a moment too long and Celeste shook her head as the anxiety started to take over and she exhaled shakily. 

“I’m sorry…I knew I wasn’t ready to talk to you.” She said softly, “I think I should go.” he frowned as she beelined for his office door.

“Hey, hey, hey, hang on!” He said and she sighed as she stopped a few feet from him.

“Just give me a few minutes, yeah? M’processing too.” He said and she bit her lip.

“Can you process faster?” She asked and he chuckled softly.

“Just sit for a second, let’s talk about why you feel this way.” He said and she reluctantly sat back before him again, hugging a pillow to her chest now to comfort her through his uncomfortable confession she made to him.

“I ummm…I know why I feel that way now, I-I talk to my mom about it.” She said and his eyes widened more now.

“Oh?”

“Yeah…” she said as she just started at the floor the whole time, avoiding his eyes, “She said there’s like a term for it…when you like place your feelings about someone else onto your therapist or something like that.” She huffed.

“Yeah, transference.” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, that’s it.” She confirmed, still avoiding his gaze, “She was saying that maybe in you not showing up it just reminded me about how, even though I never met him and he’s gone, I’ve felt like my dad hasn’t shown up for me.” She recalled what her mom had said to her, “And it’s…true. When it all clicked in my brain that was exactly it. And she said that’s normal? And like…if it is, why does it feel weird?” She asked.

“Well, I don’t know? What about feeling that way towards me feels weird to you?” He asked her and she sighed.

“I don’t know…”

“You do.” He insisted and she groaned and slumped further into the seat, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” He asked her and she sighed.

“That I’m just your patient!” She said with a frown and he hummed. “Whenever you determine that everything’s good with me then this is over and we just go our separate ways like nothing ever happened here! And just like him, you’re gonna be out of my life forever more! Like…my mom pays you to talk to me and care about me and I just feel stupid for making it feel like more than that.” She explained with tears streaking down her cheeks now and he pouted.

“Hey, look at me.” He said gently and she shook her head, “Please, Celeste. I want to talk to you about this properly.” He appealed to her and she sighed shakily before glancing to him and he was wearing a small frown.

“Your mum’s right, this is quite normal except that for patient’s this is usually something that just happens on it’s own, but in your case I’m…responsible for a lot of this.” He said and she sniffled.

“How?”

“Well, because I made it more personal than I normally would.” He explained, “And I am so sorry that it has led us to this, I never meant to cause you any harm or even make you feel this way but I just…after meeting you and getting to know you better I just wanted to help you as much as possible. I can’t pretend that I haven’t done things pretty unconventionally with you, I mean…going to dinner with you and your mum, and hanging out with our mutual friends….like…we’ve been connecting outside of the therapeutic relationship and well, it’s actually quite a big no-no for this very reason.” He explained, “It often causes a lot more harm than good to our clients and that’s…that’s the opposite of what I wanted.”

“So I’m just like any other patient of yours?” She asked sadly and he sighed.

“You should be, but you’re not.” He explained and she sniffled, “I do care and worry for you a lot more than I ought to. And the more I realize that I don’t know how good of a therapist that can continue to make me for you.” He explained, “And that makes me sad because I love being there for you and I have fun when we get all hang out with Grace and Henry,” he said with a smile, “but that has changed the way I interact with you and it has clearly changed the way you feel and interact with me, right?” He asked and she nodded, “And I promise you, I don’t sing happy birthday and bake for all of my patients’ birthdays.” He assured and she chuckled through her tears, “I just…I just really was upset with myself for letting you down. More than I ought to for any other normal patient. So I…I feel that I needed to make up for failing you with the meeting. Your mom did tell me about how the meeting went and I am so proud of you for being so mature about everything, for keeping it together despite your anxiety. For showing compassion towards Megan!” He said with a smile, “And I feel like I should look after you and help out with you more and…I feel responsible for you in a way. And even on the days we don’t get to see each other I wonder if anyone has said something to you at school or done something to hurt your feelings and it…it makes me sad to think that you have to wait until Mondays to share that with me and get help with anything.” He admitted, “So it’s not your fault that you’ve painted that picture of me in your head. I suppose that those are some pretty fatherly things to do and be concerned over.” He finished and she reached for a tissue and dabbed under her eyes.

“Yeah…” she said softly, “And it’s not like my mom doesn’t do a good job and try hard or isn’t enough, it’s just…different.” She said and he hummed.

“How so?” He asked.

“Well…like…if I had a dad my mom wouldn’t have to be the only person stressing out. There would be someone she could share that with and talk to about it. There would be someone who could help her. And like…I know she’s my mom and she’ll always be concerned about me, but…sometimes I feel like…maybe it’s too much for one person.” She explained and he nodded in understanding, “I feel bad that…all of this has happened to me and I’m sure it’s been hard for her to deal with it too and like it’s only her issue, you know? And with you around I can tell that she’s felt…not so alone in this.” She said and he nodded in understanding, “Like…when something goes wrong and I’m not ready to talk about it with her she tells me that I can talk to you first and like that’s nice because she doesn’t feel like it’s all on her when I don’t want to talk yet.”

“Yeah, she’s learned to trust me with you, I think.” He explained and she nodded.

“Exactly. And like…I know that, that’s a big deal for her. When I was little she didn’t even hire nannies because…she just didn’t trust them.” Celeste explained, “And it’s always been us! And like I said before, it’s been really good, but I can see how it’s been even better now and that makes me feel like in a way you’re part of our family and well…if she’s the mom then…”

“I’m the dad.” He finished for her when she didn’t say it and she just nodded as she looked into his eyes nervously. And well, Harry wished he could just tell her how much Diana meant to him and how he was falling in love with her and that if she wanted to accept it, they could…be something more similar to a family. He hadn’t let his walls down enough to care about Celeste how he could if he and Diana ended up together because it was still an unknown and he also didn’t want to get hurt. But if this was the reaction after he didn’t show up for one thing he was worried to fail her as a therapist again. If he and Diana were more then he could be there for Celeste in the way that she now recognized she wanted.

“Well…just in listening to what you’re saying it sounds like you kind of feel like something has been missing? Is that a fair assumption for me to make?” He asked and she nodded, “And now that you’ve experienced this you think that what’s been missing from your life is a father figure, right?” He asked and she nodded again, “Well, last time we talked about your mum potentially seeing someone it upset you, quite a bit actually. Do you remember?” He asked and she nodded, “You felt like with someone else in your lives she wouldn’t have time for you anymore.”

“Yeah.” She confirmed.

“So has that changed for you?” He asked and she shrugged, “Because if you want someone to be integrated into your family, a father figure, that kind of requires for your mum to…date people and eventually have a partner. To have someone to share the load with her and to also be there for you in the way that you want.” He said and she bit her lip, “So when you think of it in that way do you still feel the same?” He asked and she shook her head.

“I just…I don’t want her to forget about me.” She explained softly.

“Your mum will never forget about you. She loves you so much, Celeste. No one could ever replace the place you have in her heart and in her life right?”

“Right.” She said and he smiled.

“Right.” He confirmed and she sighed, “You know…I think that in order to really figure out how you guys can move forward with that it might require some family therapy. So you can both share your desires and needs.”

“With you?” She asked and he chuckled and shook his head.

“I don’t think I’d a good fit for that, petal, too many blurred lines.” He said and she sighed, “But…I mean, it’s worth a shot.”

“I do want my mom to be happy though.”

“Do you think that she also feels like maybe something is missing?” He asked her and Celeste bit her lip for a moment as she thought.

“I don’t know if she knows but…I think she feels it sometimes? Like I can tell she feels that way sometimes.” She said with a small frown, “She’s always saying that she’d only want someone who would be nice to me and understand that I’m a priority in her life and like…I would want that too but…if it’s gonna be her boyfriend then she just needs to like him, no?”

“Well, it is a bit different when someone has kids. Even if you don’t have a dad, you two are still an established family, you know? And well, some people just don’t fit with certain families so she needs to consider how someone new would…impact your family, you know? So yeah, I mean I’m sure she’d date for herself, but also keep in mind that whoever she chooses needs to also be good for you.”

“Yeah…” she sighed. “I just…feel bad for her sometimes.” She confessed, “Like…I don’t think she’s gotten to be happy enough before and lately she…seems better? Like when I brought my dad up on Friday it’s the first time she didn’t cry when she talked bout him.” She shared, “And like, I don’t know if that was a one time thing or if she’s getting better? I hope she is…” she said and Harry wanted to smile so badly because he knew that, that had to be because of him. “I don’t know…I feel selfish sometimes, like everything is about me.”

“Well, your mum chose to have you so in a way, a lot of her life is about you and that’s OK. She wanted that, she wanted you. But I think that sometimes parents are really good about just focusing on their kids only and they forget to take care of themselves sometimes and maybe you can help her with that? Maybe remind her to do things for herself that are nice and in that way you can also show her that you care about her and her personal happiness.” He suggested and she nodded with a smile.

“OK. I will.” She stated and he smiled.

“Good.” He hummed, “So, no weirdness between us or anything like that?” He asked and she sighed.

“I mean…just a little bit, but not like before.” She said honestly and he smiled.

“Well, I’ll take that!” He exclaimed and she giggled. “So, what do you think you’ve learned in our time together so far?” He asked and she hummed.

“Well, I think to be more honest about my feelings and to communicate when I’m not ready to share something I’m going through or feeling…I ummm, I’ve learned that forgiveness is supposed to benefit me more than others.” She said and he nodded, “And…I think to manage my anxiety better too.” She said and he smiled.

“Good. And I know that things have gotten better for you in terms of the situation that brought you to me in the first place, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need therapy anymore, you know?” He said and she nodded.

“Yeah, I was thinking that too…it was another thing I wanted to talk to you about…like over the summer maybe we can see each other every other week? I feel really good right now.” She said and he smiled.

“Good. That’s so good to hear.” He smiled with pride and she smiled and nodded.

“Thank you for all your help. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.” She said and he smiled.

“I’m glad I could help. And thank you too for being so open. Therapy isn’t easy for a lot of people and well, I know we’ve had some challenges of our own, but I think we’ve worked through them pretty well.” He shrugged.

“I think so too.” She smiled.

“So yeah, let’s work on a bi-weekly basis then and if you feel like we can go for less after a few weeks we can do that too. It just needs to work for you.” He assured and she nodded, “And like…I just want to make sure that everything between us is good and not murky. So if that means that it’s better that I don’t hang out with Grace and Henry when I know you and your mum will be around, please let me know. He’s my best friend, but we can spend time together on other occasions, you know?”

“I like it when you guys are all together, it just…seems right.” She said and he smiled. He felt that it was right too.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. But if you feel like it’s blurring too many lines I think it’s important that I take a step back from that.”

“Right…” she sighed, “Can I think about it?”

“Of course you can.” He assured and Celeste nodded and smiled.

They talked a bit more about her finals, he gave her some tips to ground herself and manage her nerves, but also some brain tricks to help her memorize her material better for her math class, which is what she was most worried about all while she ate her cupcake. She wanted to tell him about getting asked out at the dance because she was a little nervous to tell her mom, but she decided against that too, she could keep that to herself for now. And so as they started to wrap things up he made her appointment for two weeks from now as they talked about summer plans as Celeste petted Misty again who was obsessed with the attention. They were soon heading back to the office door and before she stepped out Harry tapped on her shoulder.

“Hey umm, I just want to let you know that I’ll be at your concert on Thursday, OK? I promise.” He said extending his pink out to her and she smiled.

“For real?” She asked and he nodded.

“Yes, for real.” He assured her and she then locked her pinky with his for a moment, “Alright, kiddo.” He said and she frowned.

“I’m not a kid.” She said as she opened the door and he scoffed as he followed her into the reception area.

“You’re 15! You’re a kid.” He said with a chuckle as he glanced up to Diana who was smiling as she listened to their interaction.

“Whatever…” Celeste huffed as she glanced back at him briefly before going up to Diana.

“Ready?” She asked and Celeste nodded.

“Umm, we’re gonna meet every other week now. Celeste is doing really well and of course, we can go back to weekly at any time, but we’re gonna try this for a bit.”

“Oh, OK.” Diana smiled at her as she came up and grabbed her bag. 

“Oh, I really like your glasses today. They look really good on you. Just the ensemble is really good.” Harry complimented Diana without really thinking. It also caught her off guard and his eyes widened along with hers for a moment before she responded.

“Oh, thanks.” She giggled bashfully and as Celeste glanced to her mom subtly she saw her look at her feet timidly as her cheeks blushed pink. 

“Ummm, yeah of course.” He said with a friendly smile. “So, any fun birthday plans?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna see a movie with my friends tonight.” Celeste shared as she got her backpack back on.

“Oh nice! Which one?” He asked.

“Guardians of the Galaxy.” She shared with excitement.

“Oh cool.” He smiled.

“Have you seen it?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Oh no, I’m more of a history/artsy films guy.” He confessed and Celeste’s face scrunched up in distaste.

“Don’t tell me you watch those History channel specials-”

“Hey, don’t drag the History channel through the dirt again.” Diana cut in and Celeste immediately laughed.

“I have to agree with your mum. But maybe it’s just an old people thing, you know?” He said and Diana turned to him quickly.

“Speak for yourself, Harry!” Diana scoffed through her chuckle and Celeste laughed loudly.

“Right, my bad…” he smiled at them, “Well you have fun at your movie with your friends and we’ll see each other soon.” He said and Celeste nodded.

“See you soon.” She agreed as she made her way to the door.

“Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Diana.” Harry responded with a soft smile as they stepped out of his office and he locked up behind them. As soon as they settled in the elevator Celeste turned to Diana with a grin.

“Dr. Styles made you blush. I saw it!” She teased and Diana shrugged.

“His compliment caught me off guard, OK?” She defended and Celeste smiled and decided not to embarrass her mom any further.

“That’s true…” she hummed, “I talked to him about the whole…dad thing.” She shared and Diana glanced over to her in concern.

“What did he say?”

“Just that it’s understandable since he has also just been a bit blurry with the boundaries. So he said he was sorry if that made me confused and like…yeah, that was pretty much it. He wasn’t weird about it though.”

“Well, I’m glad you guys got to clear that up.” She said and Celeste nodded, “Alright, so what’s the plan? Go home and change and are we picking anyone up?” 

“Ummm…Ozzy I think. Let me check.” She said as she reached for her phone in her backpack, “Yeah, we need to get Ozzy. And then Geri’s dad is getting us after since he’ll be getting off his shift.”

“OK, perfect.” Diana said and Celeste hummed, “Did your uncle call you?”

“Yeah, at midnight last night…” Celeste huffed and Diana chuckled.

“Of course he did…” she mumbled. “So where are we eating though?”

“Ummm…sushi?” Celeste asked and Diana nodded.

“Sounds good. Get changed and I’ll find a place near the theater. Is Ozzy good with sushi?”

“No, but he can eat a teriyaki chicken bowl or something.” Celeste said and Diana laughed lowly.

“I guess…”

“Mom, when did you go on your first date?” Celeste asked and Diana hummed pensively.

“Well…unofficially, and by that I mean it was a secret from my parents, I was 15 and I met up with the boy at the Westfield in Topanga. Officially, with your dad until my senior year.”

“What?!”

“Well my mom caught me kissing that boy from the mall when she picked me up and she lost her mind…he told other people and well, no one wanted to date me because she was crazy and yeah.” Diana explained.

“And that was your first kiss?”

“Yep…god…what a mess.” Diana chuckled as she recalled, “Why the sudden interest in dating?”

“I just wanted to know when a good age would be to like…say yes if someone were to ask me out or something?” 

“Oh…well there’s not really an ideal age, just when you feel ready I suppose.” Diana said and Celeste nodded. She was only asking because she had invited Ben when she ran into him over lunch and he said he would go. She didn’t feel as nervous as she thought she would, but maybe because her friends knew him too and that was always helpful. Besides, she had let him know it was for her birthday and well she wasn’t really qualifying this as a date…they were in a group so not much of a date setting, really. “Did Ozzy get back with his girlfriend?”

“Oh no…but he likes someone else already anyway, so he’s doing better.” Celeste assured.

“Good.” Diana smiled. After a few minutes they were pulling into their house and Celeste was rushing out of the car before Diana could even properly park it. “Careful!” She shouted after her as she rushed to the front door and Diana shook her head. When she made it inside and up the stairs she knocked on Celeste’s door a few times to tell her they should aim to go in 20 minutes the most so that they had enough time to eat before, but there was no answer and as she peeked her head into her room she heard the shower running from the bathroom and Diana sighed as she walked further in. “Hey, be quick or we’re not gonna have time to eat!” She shouted.

“OK!” Celeste’s muffled voice sounded through the room before Diana headed off to her own bedroom to dress down a bit. She pulled out her phone to plug it in since she’d drained the battery playing games waiting for Celeste. She saw a message from Harry where he apologized for his random compliment. She bit her lip for a moment before deciding to call him. It only rang twice before he picked up.

“Hey.” He answered and she could hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey Harry, do you have plans tonight?” She asked.

“I thought you were going to the cinema?”

“Celeste is…with her friends only.” She said with a slightly bitter tone.

“Awww, m’sorry, love. Did you want to go?” He asked.

“Partly, because it’s her birthday. But then I don’t want to pay for a ticket and fall asleep 30 minutes in, you know? Mostly she just wanted it to be a thing with her friends.” She said and he laughed.

“Bailed on by a kid…and well, the not wanting to pay for a nap is very valid.” he finally responded and she grinned, “But to answer your initial question, I’m not busy. We can meet up somewhere nearby where you drop them off?”

“Yeah, sure. They’re gonna be at The Grove, I’m dropping them off at 7:30.”

“Oh, OK! I have a mate who works at Catch, s’right near The Grove. I’m sure he can get us a table last minute? Have you been there?” He asked.

“The rooftop place, right?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He confirmed.

“Yeah, I like that place, let’s go then.”

“Perfect, I’ll call him now alright?”

“Perfect.” She responded, “Also, I’m not on pick up duty so I can drop you off at hime afterwards?” She suggested.

“Yeah, let’s do that then.”

Sounds good.” She confirmed, “Oh, and Harry?”

“Yeah, love?” He asked.

“I uh..I can’t wait to see you.” She confessed bashfully but with the giddiest smile and all of the blood rushing to her face. This made Harry smile so hard that it was hard for him to even think right now.

“Neither can I, baby.” He grinned, “See you in a bit.”

“See ya.” She said softly before they hung up. 

Now Diana wanted to have a quick shower too and she glanced at her shower real quick before deciding to just wash up real fast and exfoliate every part of her body with a scrub. It took her about 15 minutes, but when she went out to check her phone she saw that a text from Celeste had come in just 4 minutes ago asking if they could just skip dinner because she wanted to dress up a bit and that she’d just east at the theater. Diana just liked the message and rushed back to her bathroom. It was understandable that Celeste wanted to get dolled up for her birthday, and well Diana knew she couldn’t look like she was going on a date when they left the house so she picked a nice top, shoes, and her perfume which she then hurried to place neatly in the trunk of the car before rushing back up to her room stealthily and getting into a t-shirt. As much as she told herself that she needed the top because Catch was a sort of cute place that required some effort, she really wanted to look cute for Harry. She did some light make up and decided to just take a pencil liner with her to make it more of a sultry look in the car before she met Harry. She was buzzing in anticipation the entire time. After she dropped the kids off begging them to be good she waited a few minutes and then grabbed her things from the trunk and went to find a bathroom to get changed. Harry had let her know that he was about 10 minutes away so she rushed a bit before she ran back to her car and hurried off to the place. As soon as he saw her car he waved from the entrance and she slowed down in front of the entrance. Harry rushed over to her and she rolled the passenger window down.

“Hey, l got you valet.” He informed with a smile.

“Oh, thank you.” She said and he nodded as he backed away. She got the window up and then herself out of the car as an attendant came up and slipped inside. 

“Got your ticket.” Harry said, patting at his pant pocket before extending his hand as she approached the sidewalk.

“Good.” She said as she took his hand and he then guided them inside. They rode up and were quickly seated at their table overlooking Hollywood. “This is nice. I haven’t been here in a while.” She said.

“Me either, it’s nice.” He smiled as he reached for her hand across the table and she smiled as he fiddled with her fingers a bit.

“Celeste told me she told you about her dream from the other night.” She brought up and he smiled a bit.

“Yeah…she was so nervous to tell me.” He recounted and Diana nodded, “I feel bad because a lot of it is my fault…” he said softly, “Like…I couldn’t help but care a little more before just because of what she was going through, but then I started to like you and…it made me a lot more softer for her.” He said and Diana smiled.

“She appreciates it though, how you are with her.”

“Yeah.” He hummed, “Also, great job explaining transference! Maybe we need to get you licensed as well.” He said with a smile and she giggled.

“Maybe…” she responded softly, “I’m just glad I was able to help her process that a bit.” Diana said and he nodded.

“You did, you did so well. There was a moment there where I just…wanted to tell her how I feel about you, you know? Like…just with some of the stuff she was saying…like it made me want to assure her that like things could stay the way they’ve been if we just…” he trailed off and Diana smiled sadly.

“Yeah. I just need to find a way to talk to her…I don’t want you to be a secret, you know? That’s tough.” She said and he nodded in understanding.

“We’ll figure it out.” He said with a bit more confidence and she nodded. 

They were at the restaurant for about an hour before they decided to head back to his. They crashed through the door quickly and as soon as they were inside he pressed their weight against it to shut it as he kissed Diana ardently. She felt around for the lock and she hummed in victory when it dead-bolted into place.

“Do you wanna go in the hot tub?” He mumbled against her lips and she bit her bottom lip to suppress her smile as she nodded.

“Yeah.” She grinned.

“Mkay.” He smiled, “And…do you wanna do tequila shots?” He asked next and she giggled.

“On a school night?!” She asked teasingly and he kissed her lips quickly.

“Yep.” He confirmed.

“You’re trying to be a bad influence.” She hummed playfully.

“Perfect! Be bad with me.” He grinned and she shrugged.

“Yeah, alright.” She agreed easily and he chuckled as his hands slid up her waist but, under her shirt.

“As beautiful as this looks on you…s’gotta come off.” He said lowly before he helped peel the top off of her. He then undid her jeans as well and got them off before he quickly undressed himself and guided her over to the kitchen in the dark. When the lights flicked on in the kitchen he sat her on top of the counter and went looking for the tequila bottle, “It’s reposado, is that OK?” He said and she giggled.

“Say it again.” She grinned and he pouted at her.

“No, you’re gonna make fun.” He said as he reached for the bottle.

“Harry…” she whined and he ignored her as he grabbed two shot glasses, “Please.” She begged as he set the things down beside her.

“Want a lime?” He asked her and she grabbed one of his hands and squeezed, which made him look over to her, “What is it, baby?”

“Say it again.” She asked sweetly and he smirked as he shook his head, “Please, baby?” She asked and he sighed in defeat.

“Reposado.” He said and she grinned wide, “Jerk.” He said with a grin and she shook her head.

“No, I’ll help you say it properly.” She said and he huffed, “You have to roll the r.”

“I did try to!” He said and she sighed.

“We’ll keep practicing. You’ll get it soon.” She assured and he hummed.

“Now, lime or no lime?”

“No lime.”

“Fine, no lime.” He said as he started to pour the shots.

“And what are we toasting to tonight?” She asked as he handed her one shot glass.

“Celeste. Because she’s 15 and doing way better, and it’s her birthday.” He said and Diana smiled.

“Alright, to Celeste.” She said and he repeated after her before they both took their shot. The tequila was good, so it went down pretty smooth. That didn’t stop her from grimacing a bit at the aftertaste but that soon faded when Harry’s lips smeared against hers as his tongue invaded her mouth. She set her shot glass down and grabbed his jaw tenderly as their mouths moved together hungrily.

“One more?” He asked and she parted from his lips.

“Just bring the bottle.” She suggested.

“OK.” He smiled and he helped her down from the counter and they hurried outside. It wasn’t all that hot in LA yet, oddly enough, so when they dipped into the hot water it felt amazing. As soon as they were in Harry pulled her into his arms and sat her on his lap sideways. “Kiss me.” He said softly and she smiled.

“Gladly.” She whispered before straddling his lap and attaching her lips with his own.

*********

Everything had been going pretty great so far. When they all met up at the theatre Ben had actually insisted on buying Celeste her snacks for the movie. And well, they ended up sitting beside each other and after their hands crashed in the popcorn bucket a few times Ben had just decided to move it aside and extend his hand to hers. Celeste had not been expecting that and an intense warmth and flutter traveled through her body when their hands clasped together. They exchanged a look that made her feel like they were alone in the world and she swallowed the giant lump forming in her throat. He smiled at her slightly nervous and she exhaled shakily before turning back to the screen before her own lips inevitably turned up in a smile as well. 

Maybe this was a date after all.

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----Tag List----

@permanentllyharry @gurugirl @sunshinemoonsposts @ottawaoutlander @matildasatellite @cherrysulewski @jessitpwk @justlemmeadoreyou @sunflovverharry @daphnesutton @angelbabyyy99 @sad-avocado @keriberi @reveriehs

[lesbiandarvey]

Describe your dream episode of suits

OOOOOOOHHHH. okay okay

this is probably not the answer you want or expect but my dream episode of suits is about marvey actually. i mean like not really but hear me out

okay so like its in season 5ish and harvey is in therapy with paula, and the episode is about him trying to sympathize with his mother. so! harvey and paula are doing like roleplay in therapy where shes him and hes his mom and theyre trying to get him to understand his mom as a person and as a woman with flaws

and when he gets home he falls asleep on the couch

ANWAY. DREAMSCAPE EPISODE. where mike and harvey are married . mike is a jazz musician and harvey is a groupie <3 and harvey is like the long suffering husband, trying to play the sailors wife role who welcomes her husband home with open arms every time he leaves, but she also wishes he wasn’t fucking gone all the time. and the episode is told from the perspective of their teenaged daughter (who’s obviously supposed to be the harvey parallel) and i guess they’d need her to have a younger brother too right to be marcus. like theres a scene where she has to pick her little brother up from soccer practice cus harvey is too busy

and obviously their teenage daughter and harvey have a lot to say to each other! theyre always arguing … and mike is pretty absent from the episode hes always like on tour or performing or generally gone and the daughter worships him obviously

and theres like one good moment at the beginning, where mike comes home, covered in scarves and holding his saxophone case and the daughter runs up to hug him hello and is so glad hes home for a whole week! and then the camera lands on harvey a little too long as hes smiling watching his daughter and his husband embrace, but he looks really really tired

and its like obviously from the daughters perspective but it also tries to give a rounded depiction of what harveys life was like growing up, so theres like a scene where shes doing homework at the kitchen table and we hear harvey and donna (the bobby character) whispering in the kitchen how harvey cant pay his credit card bill and he cant get ahold of mike, who’s like touring in europe or something.

okay cut to the b plot which is like in the present mike and rachel are in the office doing plot relevant things, it’s just like a monster of the week case

back to the dreamscape! so like the daughter and donna are really close, donna is at the house a lot, and stays for dinner, and fixes the shower when it breaks, and takes mike and harvey’s daughter prom dress shopping and she calls her aunt donna. and then…. the daughter comes home from school one day to see harvey and donna on the couch together kissing and they immediately break apart and the daughter knows understands been going on this whole time

and then like, the big argument between harvey and his daughter where the daughters like how could you do this to dad! and harvey screams like you don’t understand what its like to be married to that man! and donna tries to mediate and the daughter is like shut up you dont get to talk!! and harvey is still going, begging his daughter to understand… “we were 19 when we got married! and all this time i have waited for your father to grow up and realize he has to be here with us, you don’t understand what i have—”

and then harvey back in real life wakes up crying and its never mentioned again. blackout

[hexkids-au]

Possession Chats (Part 1)

Disclaimer: I have not been to group therapy before, so this is based off of limited internet research. If there is anything that I need to change or is incorrect, don't hesitate to tell me. It was really just a concept for my AU that I thought would be fun because I realized that nearly half of the characters have been possessed before.

Jazz: Hello everyone, sorry to pull you out of your classes, I’m Jazz Fenton. I’m here to guide your support group session today.

Hunter: What am I doing here with a bunch of… All of you?

Jazz: This is a safe space for anyone that has had experience with forms of possession.

Danny: Wait when did I-

Jazz: Freakshow?

Danny: Right, right. 

Dipper: Um, I don’t really want to-

Marcy: HI! Sorry I’m late! Oh, did I interrupt something?

Jazz: It’s alright. I’m Jazz and this is the support group for students who have experienced possession. 

Marcy: Oh. Actually, uhh, I’m extremely busy right now so I’ll just leave the way I came in…

Jazz: Marcy, is it? Everyone here is thinking the same things you are, I’m sure. We’re going to ease in to talking about those things and start with getting to know each other. 

Hunter: If I go first, can I leave?

Jazz: No, but thanks for volunteering! Today we’re just going to share our name, a bit about our family, and one fun fact about ourselves. I’ll go first, then Hunter, and we’ll go around the circle from there. 

Hunter: Yay. Sounds great.

Jazz: Glad to hear it! Well, my name is Jazz Fenton, I have a mom and a dad that hunt ghosts and a brother who is half ghost. And fun fact, I like to exercise! Hunter?

Hunter: My name is Hunter. I have an adoptive dad and a found sister and mother, and I was resurrected from the bones of my creator’s dead brother. That work?

Jazz: Wow. Thank you for sharing, Hunter. Now, Dipper?

Dipper: Right. I’m Dipper. Well, Mason, but everyone calls me Dipper. I have a twin sister, a mom and a dad, and two great-uncles, and I made a pig learn how to talk once?

Jazz: Interesting! Thank you, Dipper. Next we have… right, Marcy!

Marcy: Hey everyone, I’m Marcy Wu. I have a mom and a dad. And… do I have to just pick one thing?

Jazz: Not necessarily but just to-

Marcy: Okay okay fine. Ooh! I rode on the back of a bird while toppling a corrupt empire!

Jazz: And I thought my brother was a handful! Well, Danny, take it away. 

Danny: I got you. Right, my name’s Danny Phantom, or Fenton, whichever you prefer really. I have a mom, dad, and older sister. Both of my parents hunt ghosts and my sister protects me from them sometimes. 

Jazz: Aww. 

Danny: Protects me from my parents, if you didn’t get that. 

Jazz: Yeah, I know. Finally, we have… what’s your name?

Hilda: Hilda. 

Jazz: Yes, Hilda! Sorry. Want to share a bit about yourself?

Hilda: Sure. My name is Hilda, I live with my mum, and one of my best friends is a human witch.

Jazz: Ooh, nice! Thank you all for sharing. From now on, no one has to talk if they don’t want to, but we will all respect whoever is talking.

Hunter: Yup, all great and good, can I go now?

Jazz: What’s the big rush? We still have another fifteen minutes together.

Hunter: The flyer derby team practice is in five minutes and I need time to change before.

Jazz: Alright, you can leave.

*Hunter pumps his fist and starts walking towards the door*

Jazz: After! 

*Hunter turns around*

Jazz: You give us your best… hmm… Wolf impression!

Hunter: What? Are you serious? I don’t even know what those are!

Jazz: You do. Don’t worry, this is a judgement free space. Your best wolf howl, go!

Hunter: Ugh, fine. Ah-woo. Happy?

Jazz: We’ll work on it. Have fun at practice!

*Hunter mumbles as he walks out and shuts the door behind him*

Hilda: So you said this was for people who have “experience with possession”, is there anyone here that has possessed someone else or..?

Danny: I have!

Jazz: Danny! Everyone is here because it has happened to them, not because they did it to someone else. Unless we need to, we’re not going to mention if we can possess others or not.

Danny: Oh, my bad. I was possessed once, I robbed a bank and held my family and friends hostage on a train, if that counts.

Jazz: It does, and thank you for sharing, Danny. Since you’re taking, do you have any ways you deal with any trauma you have left from that experience?

Danny: No? Honestly, I kinda saved the world and called it even.

Jazz: Ahh, hiding behind jokes and sarcasm. Anyone else?

Dipper: Uh, I avoid triangles, large eyes, and American dollar bills at all costs?

Jazz: And how well does that work for you?

Dipper: It doesn’t, really.

Marcy: I’m fine as long as I don’t think about my childhood best friends. Ever.

Jazz: Ouch, see? We’re here to learn from each other and find healthy ways of coping so we can-

*End of class bell screams, making half of them jump*

Jazz: Alright, I’ll see you all here next week!

[vendettavalor]

MINI CHARACTER PLAYLIST

AURELIA PTA'HOA

SHARE AT LEAST FIVE SONGS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOUR MUSE, OR THAT YOU ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR MUSE’S CHARACTER ARC. Including lyrics is optional.

ECHO (AmaLee / dj-Jo cover)

What the hell's going on? / Can someone tell me please / Why I'm switching faster than the channels on TV / I'm black, then I'm white / No! Something isn't right! / My enemy's invisible / I don't know how to fight

// Reflecting the traumatic circumstances from which the Order rescued her

HERE COMES THE SUN (The Beatles)

Little darling / It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter / Little darling / It feels like years since it's been here

// Reflecting how the Order felt like a new beginning and a chance for a hopeful future

Birds (Imagine Dragons ft. Elisa)

Seasons, they will change / Life will make you grow / Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry / Everything is temporary / Everything will slide / Love will never die, die, die

// Reflecting the heartbreak that overwhelmed her when Sutek left and joined the Dark Side

Mr. Fear (SIAMÉS)

Hello, my name is Mr. Fear / I wish I had a faster therapy / I've come to mind control your needs / Tonight I'm gonna star all of your leads

You know / I'll never disappear / Now get me out of here / Just trust in me, my dear /No cure is coming near

// Portrays the horror and fear she felt when Sutek took control of her and used her dragon form as a weapon of destruction

Rain (Boldly In The Pretend) (Joff Bush, Jazz D’Arcy)

Now I race of to work / And I step in some sand / I brush the mud off / With the palm of my hand

I look up at the kids / As they play in the rain / Their white socks (are) brown / We play the same game

We all race those boats down the road to the end / We all race those boats down the road to the end / And live boldly in the pretend

// Portrays the return to normalcy after Sutek came back. She has her own Padawan and spends her days training and looking after the other younglings in relative peace

TAGGED BY: @prodijedi (bless u!)

TAGGING: @tacticalvalor (Doomslayer) @wolfpackmuses (Steele) @rathalascendant @shamisenson @drakecursed @mayxthexforce (Feral) @unrclypirxte (Beth) and anyone else who feels up for it!

[cc-cobalt-1043]

Chapter 4: Therapy

The bee team were relaxing when suddenly the alarm went off.

"We have incoming." Fixit said.

They all ran to the command center weapons ready but Windblade smiled when she recognised the ship.

"It's alright, I know them." She said urging the rest of the team to lower their weapons.

The bee team stood down and allowed the ship two land.

Out came two Autobots, a bright blue femme bot and a cherry red Mech Bumblebee recognised very well.

"Knockout." He said surprised.

Knockout broke into an all too familiar smirk.

"Hello Bee, long time no see." Knockout said.

The two shook hands.

"It's so good to see you." Bee said.

"Likewise, and it's good to be back here." Knockout said.

"Uh Bee, who's this guy?" Grimlock asked looking at Knockout.

"Oh, guys this is Knockout, he's a former Decepticon who joined the Autobots near the end of the war, and he's a very good friend of mine." Bumblebee said.

"Knockout, this is my team." Bee said introducing Knockout to each member of the Bee team, aside from Optimus, Ratchet, Windblade and Jazz who Knockout was already well acquainted with.

Attention then shifted to Chromia, who introduced herself.

"Hello, my name is Chromia, I'm a friend of Windblade and Knockout and I'm a therapist, I work to help Autobots and Decepticons alike adjust to their new lives." Chromia said.

"She's very good, she even helped me a bit after I joined the Autobots." Knockout said.

Introductions were carried out and soon Chromia began her sessions, assisted by Knockout.

Chromia spoke with Slipstream and Knockout talked with Jetstorm.

Chromia and Slipstream were sitting on a crate in the medbay.

Chromia was smiling warmly at Slipstream who was rather tense.

"Alright Slipstream we're going to begin now, I will be taking notes throughout this session, and I want you to tell me to stop if you feel uncomfortable or need a break, okay." Chromia said smiling warmly at Slipstream.

Slipstream nodded and with that the session began.

At first Chromia asked Slipstream some small questions before beginning the more serious ones.

"So Slipstream, how did you end up working for Shadow Raker?" Chromia asked.

"It was when me and Jetstorm were young I was 6, and he was 3, our parents died in an explosion and we were living on the streets for several months just trying to survive, Shadow Raker found us and offered us a job working for him, in exchange he would give us energon and shelter." Slipstream said.

He clenched his fists tightly.

"But he lied, he used me and Jetstorm as tools, he sent us out to steal for him and whenever we failed he would either lock us out of the base, beat us or refuse to feed us, he treated Jetstorm the worst, just because he was the youngest, the weakest and the most accident prone, he treated him like his slave and there was nothing I could do to stop him, I hate him, I hate everything about him and if I could I would subject him to every painful thing he has done to us over the years, but he doesn't even deserve that, he deserves to go offline." Slipstream growled out.

Slipstream took a long deep breath and sighed.

Chromia looked at the young minicon, his whole frame slumped slightly after he'd finished his tirade, clearly he'd been holding that in for quite a long time.

After a few moments of silence Slipstream looked up at Chromia.

"I'm sorry, it's just, I've been holding a lot of that in for a good while now." Slipstream said.

"That's quite alright Slipstream, this kind of thing is perfectly natural, especially for a situation like this, thanks heavens I was sitting down when I reviewed your records, it's appalling you and your brother had to live with such a monster." Chromia said.

She then decided to change the topic.

"I trust you and your brother are much happier with Drift." Chromia said.

"Very much miss Chromia, master Drift is such a wonderful bot, he has his flaws of course, but he has really changed our lives for the better, he provides us with a home and energon, he trains us to defend ourselves, he taught me and Jetstorm how to read and write, he even comforts us when we are sad or when we have had nightmares." Slipstream said.

Chromia could practically feel her spark swell with emotions.

"You all seem very close." Chromia said.

"We are miss Chromia...we're like a family." Slipstream said.

"Drift seems to have quite a fatherly bond to you two." Chromia said.

"Admittedly Jetstorm and I do see Master Drift like a father, but have never had the courage to say so." Slipstream said.

"Why not?" Chromia asked curiously.

"Because we fear he would not feel the same way towards us. Slipstream said.k

"From what you've described to me Slipstream he does seem to feel the same way about both you and Jetstorm, I feel if you do tell him how you feel, you may be pleasantly suprised." Chromia said.

Slipstream was silent, thinking everything over.

"Just think about it for now." Chromia said.

Slipstream nodded and smiled.

The two talked for a while before Chromia declared their session over and Slipstream went to wait for Jetstorm.

Jetstorm soon appeared followed by Knockout.

"Now remember Jetstorm, same time tomorrow, and think about what we've talked about." Knockout said.

"Okay, thanks Knockout." Jetstorm said looking the happiest Slipstream had seen him in a long time.

Knockout left and Jetstorm and Slipstream got some Energon.

The two sat down and discussed their therapy sessions.

"Knockout was so fun to talk to, he loves his paintjob, he even buffed some of the scratches I missed the last time." Jetstorm said.

True to his word there wasn't a single scratch on Jetstorm.

"He really knows his stuff." Jetstorm said seeing the impressed look on Slipstream's face.

"Jetstorm, you know how me and you think about master Drift, as a father figure?" Slipstream asked.

Jetstorm nodded.

"Well Chromia told me, that perhaps we should tell him how we feel." Slipstream said.

"Knockout said the same to me." Jetstorm said.

"Well,do you think we should tell him?" Slipstream asked.

"I don't know, I really him to think of us as his sons as well as his students, but at the same time, What if he doesn't feel the same?" Jetstorm asked.

Slipstream nodded.

"This is something we must think about." He said.

A little sneak peak for part 5:

Sideswipe woke up, but something was strange, he was back on cybertron, alongside a yellow mech, one he hadn't seen in such a long time.

Suddenly there was the sounds of bots yelling as well as blaster fire.

The mech started pulling Sideswipe along with him, both of them running past many fighting bots in an attempt to escape.

The unthinkable happened when a stray blaster shot came flying through the air, hitting the yellow mech square in the chest.

Sideswipe tried to help but it was no luck. The bots bright yellow paint, faded to gunmetal gray.

The scrapyard:

Sideswipe awoke with a jolt and sat up in his berth his whole frame trembling and shaking, and in his despair he said a name, the name of a bot he could never tak to again.

"Sunstreaker."

[dianneking]

Okay so before I go ahead and start reading all of Shapes of Love… are you at liberty to say whether there will be a happy ending…? Cos idk what I’m walking into here, am I gonna need some tissues and some therapy once all chapters are released? I love me some angst but also… I like to be prepared for if there is no resolution for the angst😃

But also if you don’t wanna say that’s fine, I’ll happily go in blind boss🫡

Hello darling.

I am indeed at liberty to say, because it's in the AO3 Tags for the whole fic, that it's Angst with a Happy Ending.

How much pain I'm going to inflict on the readers before we reach that point, well...just enough. But there's also cute moments and hot moments, so a lil' bit of everything (yes, for some chapters you'll need tissues, some readers told me 😇).

I am so jazzed that you are considering starting it 😁 if you can spare the time I'd love to know what you think about it, as a comment, ask, or in my dms or wherever you prefer.

[ssj2hindudude]

what are the potaotes (1st and 2nd Gen) secret pleasure? U know something they enjoy doing that they can’t really admit to even their closest friend because it kinda embarrassing.

1st and 2nd Gens Secret Pleasures:

Aru: Home Depot tours (not exactly a secret, but more of a guilty pleasure) Maybe the secret is she'll hide after closing time so she can camp out in the store...Yeah, Aiden wasn't happy getting that phone call from jail when she was caught...

Mini: Skin care routine. She wanted a better way to keep her skin clean and Rudy taught her a bunch of spa tricks. But she hates being seen looking like a reject swamp thing, so she threatens him to secrecy.

Brynne: She likes baking desserts in the shape of cutesy characters (ex. Hello Kitty cupcakes), but knowing it would wreck her rep, she smashes them whenever someone walks by, pointing out some kind of flaw, and apologizes to it afterwards.

Nikita: Knitting...not much to say here besides that she'll knit your organs together if you find out and start laughing...

Sheela: She's kind of an open book, but she also is secretly into heavy metal. One moment she'll be playing classical or jazz and the second she's along, she and her tea partying stuffies will be vibing to KISS.

Kara: She reads BL Manga (not the 18+ ones of course, but it's still pretty embarrassing). Let's just say she needed a way to rebel against the Sleeper without him finding out.

Aiden: You know how Aru dances whenever he smoulders? Yeah, apparently he also likes to practice singing to her picture...Mohini knows and is just glad that's all he's doing...

Rudy: The future king of Naga-loka, as though he doesn't do enough to embarrass himself, still rewatches Doraemon. I'm not talking the new cleaner version either, I mean the older one that wouldn't be able to get near today's censors. It's not too bad, but Rudy still cringes at the idea of getting caught singing Doraemon no Uta

Hira: She's already easily embarrassed but she definitely draws the line at telling people about her Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon cards. She's got all of the rare ones and will definitely smoke you in a battle, but she can't because she's to embarrassed by it...

Abha: She actually likes to paint...but sucks at it...like a lot...to the point where she is more likely to burn what she paints before anyone can see it. But that doesn't stop her from doing it again and again. #ArtistStruggles

Priya: Did you know she listens to Bright Eyes and other soft Nightcore when she's upset? That's right, no you don't! Because if you do, she will find you, and she will murder you in the worst way possible!

Suru: Kinda early for him to be embarrassed by things, but I guess his worst thing is that he still has his old baby blanket. But he doesn't cuddle it, he actually nibbles on the corners for comfort. Yeah, if he wants to keep it up without being sent to more therapy, he's gonna be hiding it for a while...

Ghata: She actually likes to experiment with press on tattoos! One time she got two huge dragons just snaking down her arms. Of course, that was the day she randomly wore a long sleeve in July, so yeah she had to rush into the shower when her moms started getting suspicious.

Valerie: Sweets testing (as we know from before)

[thelocalmuffin]

For the ask game, Barok van Zieks! Also Yujin Mikotoba if you’d like! :D

Hello thank you for asking! Spoilers below along with minor ship hate (since notps are mentioned)

Barok van Zieks

Sexuality Headcanon: Ace MLM

Gender Headcanon: cis male

A ship I have with said character: benbaro is fun.

A BROTP I have with said character: Him and getting therapy.

A NOTP I have with said character: Bar/aso. I don't care if other folks ship it, I just don't like it very much and won't go looking for it.

A random headcanon: I think he actually is a fan of sweet things, but the sweetness needs to be made with honey.

Thoughts about him: I'm sort of on the fence about him constantly, but I do think he's a good antagonist. I really wish his arc wasn't rushed, though. I think they tried to approach a heavy discussion and due to time constraints somewhat failed.

Yujin Mikotoba

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual

Gender Headcanon: I don't think he cares, but he identifies as male because it's all he's known

A ship I have with said character: Tbh I don't really have one. I'm comfortable with a few including homomiko, but he's not someone I really ship if that makes sense.

A BROTP I have with said character: Homomiko (QPR)

A NOTP I have with said character: Hmm...I don't think there's one but I'd say I really can't see Yujin and Jigoku, whatever that's called.

A random headcanon: He'd love Jazz.

Thoughts about him: I like him alright. I think his part in the game was really fun and he's actually a pretty decent character to write. I do love how much people just love this guy though. It's amusing.

[creep3r-chan]

aw shit...

My comfort characters are Jade the Jellyfish (KinitoPET), Clementine (Stray), and Bittegiggle (Garten of Banban)!!!

Matches, easier to use.

No, I have a fear of being watched.

Kraken. Wanna know why octopuses can't tell jokes? It's cuz they'll start Kraken up!! Hehe, get it?

A REALLY dark brown. Would be creepier if I had pitch black eyes though lol

... Do what? I don't know what you're talking about...

Hair ties are less visible on my hair, and also I feel it's easier to use.

Zero. I rarely use water bottles sometimes.

Hot coffee is good, but cold coffee doesn't require waiting 10 minutes to cool down. But the ice in iced coffee makes it taste watered down... so hot coffee.

I mean... for good reasons yes. But I'd probably have to do it in secret, I don't want to be sent to jail lol

arts and stuffs.

Oh y'know, a day like any other. 24 hours long.

On Thursday October 3, 2024, at 6:09. And no, I'm not making a 69 joke.

Hell yeah! It's really nice! ^^

No, I'm more of a big sister (not biologically though)

No. If anything I'd probably crash into a tree or something...

Neither. I can see things perfectly fine.

Dove and Head & Shoulders. Or literally anything available in the shower.

If you want to, yeah!

Soda.

A Hello Kitty pillow, and a few dolls displayed in my room I never use.

Aggressively passive. I will dig my fingers into your shoulder as I wrap my arm around your back, and I will whisper in your ear, "get fucking therapy."

Chilly weather's nice, it's a shame I'm literally allergic to the cold. I get hives. From the cold.

Probably hanging out, singing songs and playing music. I'd do the craziest shit on the rooftop though

Lotion. My skin is dry as hell.

A bunch of stuff. Too many in my head to count.

Haha, what's sleep?

No, but my god I want a phantom mask SO BAD URGH

Warm, maybe cold.

No, I don't keep dishes in my room.

Grounded? As in not in the parent sense? Probably like, silly fun music like Spellcasting and Tsundere Twintails, but if I'm in the mood I'll probably go for calm cafe jazz music.

Nope. As long as it's my towel.

When I went to a forest park thing, it's full of plants and stuff. It's huge and in open air too. I would really like to go to an actual forest though! Y'know, stranded right in the middle.

A bunch. Soft fuzzy man, From the start, Your Stupid Face, etc. Too much for me to remember.

It's 7:23 as I type this!

Zero times. I haven't changed my url at all lol

Maybe not for 10+ years, but it's been 4+ years since me and a certain irl friend have been friends!

I don't mind, any soap is fine.

Occasionally. Not much though, unless my lips get too dry.

A slice of bread.

Any. Even black coffee, I'll take any. (I NEED THE CAFFEINE)

Pixilart. I used to have Twitter and Reddit but I stopped cuz I got bored of both.

I love spicy foods! They're great =D

Any pedophile. Actually, with or without free pass I'd slaughter a pedophile anyday.

Maybe. I did eat cranberries yesterday, and... Uhh... That's pretty much it.

Christmas Chronicles was a fun movie =D

"The silly!!!" -Me, 2024

I don't do alcohol, and I don't plan on doing it in the future.

No, would be really cool though! What I can do is throw rocks at anyone's head.

Hell yeah, go for it, mutual or not!

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?