#ive never had crushes but i think this is what it feels like
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YESSSSSSSS YES YES GOD. OH MY GODDDDDD. RIPPING MY SHIRT OFF LIKE THE HULK. YOU GET IT OP. I LOVE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS (Says the aroace guy . Like okay fork found in kitchen cmon now)
No cuz LISTEN. romance and attraction is something that is constantly front in center in society as a whole….its a lot more understood than friendship or familial relationships. so it probably makes SENSE to hugo at least in concept.
Attraction is understood by a lot of people as like a biological instinct (And obviously its more complex than that but thats the most Basic idea thats been held for most of history i think). And hugos definitely been Attracted to people before. I think he kind of just sees it as a nuisance tbh. He just tries to gaslight himself into pretending it isnt there.
But platonic love….you dont have that physical reaction yknow??? I mean ive had what i can describe as platonic “crushes” before but it’s different….It could be different for other people ofc but in my experience platonic love kind of sneaks up on you. You might not even really notice its there. One day you’ll just be looking at someone and you’re like, “oh yeah. This one. Theyre the one. Theyre safe.”
They affect you in little ways. like influencing the way you think or the way you speak and you dont notice until someone points it out. You’ll pick up on words they use and everyday things will make you think of them. ITS JUST. GAH!!! I LOVE PLATONIC LOVE!!
I think platonic love is SUCH an important part of hugo’s general role in the story because like….This isnt his first rodeo remember? Hes done jobs for donella before. Hes probably crushed on a few people before. Maybe even people hes worked with. But clearly its never affected his performance before. none of these crushes have Permanently rewired his brain and this perspective he has of the world.
The reason team radical has such an impact on him is NOT just bc she’s gay for varian. It’s bc ALL OF THEM are the first people who have just Genuinely cared about her, with no ulterior motives, no strings attached, no romantic connotations, no nothing. Theyre the first people she’s actually connected with and felt like she could be herself around. and they’re the first to actually able to counter these mindsets that are so Natural to her- these mindsets that it’s every man for himself, that relationships are all temporary, and that she’s not fundamentally deserving of love. Varian, nuru and yong showed hugo a new perspective on life. ALL OF THEM DID!! NOT JUST VARIAN!!!
Its why platonic varigo is genuinely so important to me and one of the reasons i think varigo are the “best friends first/lovers second” kind of couple. its also why i dont really like them having chemistry like right off the bat. Because like…Them being friends first is the only reason their relationship as it is is even possible. Neither of them really had friends their age before and thats Why they really connect.
if it wasn’t for varian just…being a good friend, and him, nuru and yong all collectively showing hugo this new outlook on life….team radical would have just been another means to an end. Sure maybe hugo would’ve had a little crush on varian or found him attractive, but it wouldn’t have made him like, quit his whole job. He would’ve just done the work and moved on with his life. he wouldn’t have FALLEN IN LOVE like he did. Love and attraction are two different things and hugo didnt just have a crush on varian, he fell in love with him. and he fell in love (platonically, of course) with yong and nuru too.
THATS what changed him!!! Genuine human connection and love!!! It had nothing to do with romance!!! And i feel like people just tend to focus on the yaoi or whatever when like…It means nothing if we aren’t seeing hugo form these bonds with the group as a whole and watching his outlook change as a result! without the core feature of genuine human connection and friendship the yaoi wouldn’t even EXIST!!! 😭😭😭
I especially need more library/betrayal scenes with the whole group bc it genuinely makes me so mad when they’re Just about varigo and nuru and yong are just. Left behind? NOBODY EVER WRITES NURU AND YONG REACTING TO THE BETRAYAL…..NOBODY WRITES THEM HELPING HUGO WHEN VARIAN GETS POSSESSED. THEY’RE JUST. LEFT BEHIND AND THEN THEY SHOW UP AT THE END WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR GROUP HUG OR WHATEVER….SOMETIMES NOT EVEN THAT!!!
IT BREAKS MY HEART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT JUST SIDE PIECES TO VARIGO!!! 😭😭😭 GAHHH. I NEED MORE TEAM RADICAL JUST ALL BEING BEST FRIENDS AND LOVING EACH OTHER!!!!! I NEED YONG AND NURU TO PLAY A PART IN THESE MAJOR PLOT POINTS TOO!!!!
I feel like we don't talk about how Hugo would be weirded out by the concept of having friends enough. Like we all pretty much agree that Donella, while maybe not being outright abusive, was at least not an amazing parent figure and made Hugo live a life that wasn't super healthy. But I haven't really seen anyone talk about how he probably has never felt platonic love.
I like the idea that it wasn't Varian that convinced Hugo to leave Donella, it was Nuru and Yong.
Hugo would have at least had a crush before, if not an actual relationship, he's aware that liking someone made you want to do stupid stuff, like quit your job, abandon your mother figure, and live with them for the rest of your life, but wanting to do that sort of stuff for someone you have no attraction to whatsoever? Huh?
I just love the idea that while Varian was a huge part in changing Hugo, it took friendship with no hint of romantic connotations to finally win Hugo over.
#pansy rambling again#hugo rottewange#vat7k hugo#varian and the 7 kingdoms#varian and the seven kingdoms#vat7k yong#vat7k nuru#team radical#varigo#varian
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not to be gooey and gay on main but i think i know what love feels like now
#to love and to be loved#from someone whos lived their life in this dull void of grayromanticism#to finally find someone who cares and i care about and it hasn't died down after a week#ive never had crushes but i think this is what it feels like#and guys?? im dating my crush#sorry#ill delete this later probably#omens tidbits#-jay
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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unrelated to that rb but im thinking about it and i dont think piper liking jason was ever a forced heteronormativity thing i think she genuinely liked him
#like i relate to her so much cuz like i also like guys and even though at this point in my life im more attracted to girls ive never#considered my guy crushes as 'not knowing i was queer' i think i genuinely liked them#but also the concept of piper not dealing with her internalized amatonormativity hits sooooo hard like i didnt even think of it like that#the fact she moved on from jason so quick too. not that she needs to always feel sad for him but it had to have been like at max 4 months#which isnt to say people cant move on its just for your ex bf dying that seems so quick to me#her turning to romance again to help her problems because its just what shes always been led to believe#especially as a daughter of aphrodite.... wow many thoughts. want to put her in the microwave#in other news i totally admit as cute as her and shel are it was definitely forced as a way to 'show' she was queer#but she didnt need a girl to show she was queer she could hvae just told it honestly. not everyone who finds out theyre queer is immediatel#in a relationship and you dont always need a relationship to realize youre queer#sorry that post got me thinking about other things lol#piper mclean#riordanverse
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I'm on ep5 of LOK and remembering why I have never gotten past the first season of this show. The love triangle shit is driving me INSANE in the worst of ways. It feels like fucking high school drama.
I will stick it out... because I have heard the show gets better... and also the promise of endgame Korra and Asami.... I will stick it out this time....!!!!
But God. It's so annoying 😭😭😭😭
#speculation nation#i will stay strong. i WILL... i will....#the thing is like. atla always had the romance subplots & some jealousy plots. but it was like#they had bigger fish to fry. at the end of the day the romance was never the prime focus#bc they were fighting a War! and they were younger than the LOK team too#it never felt so heavy-handed in atla. in LOK it just feels so Forced....#doesnt help that im like. man Bolin really would be better for Korra than Mako.#stop paying attention to a wishy washy guy who wont even pay 100% attention to his own girlfriend (who's not you!!!!!)#i rly do like Bolin and Korra's interactions. but also the way the writing is pushing Bolin's crush on her kinda sucks#bc i think theyd be best as bros. genuinely.#and i Know we get the f/f ending but god DAMN im still. ugh ugh ugh. what a time.#also barely relevant but who was the lady Tenzin was seeing before his wife. im so curious#this man is so stiff howd he get TWO women falling for him like that??!#ALSO... the fact that ep 4 is so heavy on the fear and seriousness. then ep 5 is just like. oh no! love triangles!#hfkshfksd ive been enjoying some of the show but rn i am so annoyed by it hfkshfkd#i will stay strong... i will... it will be worth it to stick it out....... I Will...!!!!#fanny watches lok
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date back on for sunday now. His friend is okay. thank god. And uhhh, yea now we're finally be fr about the "hey we met on a dating, lets be so fr about what our experience has been" uncharted territory besties. we're not at "so what are you looking for?" but i already essentially told him my approach is to just really try getting to know ppl i find interesting and letting a spark develop from there w/o pressure. kinda like in school where you consistently see people in casual settings. and he thought it was a good plan so uh. here we are.
#basically he's had no luck and only like 2 matches (excluding me i believe) and all those people just never responded to him#which must be so funny bc now theres like. me. where i have seen his id. know his govt name. address. dob. and vitals. like. crazy.#and he's seen mine too ofc. equality. and uh. sounds like he's never dated. never had any bug feelings for anyone despite wanting to fall i#love so bad. which is... interesting. i feel like he has liked ppl and not recognized that it's a crush. nit just wanting to be friends but#imma hold off on sharing that until further developments.#i basically told him that I've had a very different experience. not to like brag but like most women will have better luck on apps (also hi#profile kinda sucks. all 4 photos look like a different person. his like actual answers to prompts aren't bad. they're good. thats what mad#me think 'oh i think i could rlly get along w/ this dude' but he'd attract a very niche type of woman)#which i also. didn't fully say. bc time and place. it'll come up but not right now. but yea so i told him that like. ive gotten many matche#but a lotttt of it is super low quality. lot of wasted time. so like. yea. we all have a bad time on dating apps till someone sticks and we#dont. we basically have both admitted to having idealized people in the past and getting the ick irl. and yea. building some good common#ground. ive always wanted to ask to ppl ive gone out w/ what their experience looks like but i feel like thats not smth to talk abt till#later on and I've never wanted anything past a 2nd date before so. yea.#although my first date did tell me but she was poly and like much more open to talking abt that than most monogamous ppl would be
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i think i understand dating now. you find a person that seems cool and you become their friend but in a romantic way until you. actually love them. yes?
#bluebird.txt#i am schrodinger's understander of romance#90% of the time i'm like why would anyone date a stranger#why would you do that#like you have a friend then you get close to that friend then become romance??#i had a HUGE crush on a girl earlier this year and then one day i made a new friend- NO romantic feelings for her at all-#but suddenly my crush evaporated in an instant? i just stopped thinking abt her or feeling anything when i DID think abt her. completely.#but like. you meet person. become friend. then you love them. then romance. yes?#that's always been my thought process of how it works#so now i’m like oh that's how Dating works! you just pick a person and fuck around and find out if you'll love them????#it's like friendship but with. romance. hey does anyone fucking know what romance is by the way#I Don't Know Anything Ever 👍🏼#also do people really see other people and think wow i want to fuck them#bc like. i've seen hot people i like hot people but i don't think ive ever seen a hot person and thought about sex#i’ve been like wow they are extremely attractive to me but never wow i want to fuck that#is that actually how people feel? they see an attractive person and they get horny? just like that?#like physically in your genitals horny??#i'll shut up now. once again I Don't Know Anything At All 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼#i WANT to date someone to know what it's like but what i really want is to fake date a friend#fuck all this shit i really might be aroace. i fucking might. i am so not sure about anything.#who give a shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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anyway so im rewriting the specials to get yaz in there right and you kinda need her out of the way for wild blue yonder so im keeping her in the tardis to do the manual part of the repairs i guess but just the idea of yaz being There but Just out of sight but very much like,,,,Present, as an agent in the story, while this interaction happens:
which is then Immediately followed by the tardis with her inside Disappearing, just lends a whole lot of fuckin,,,,,,,depth of flavour that you really dont even need to do anything for
#the hardest part of this is figuring out the donna&yaz dynamic for me#i cant write donna ive never written donna#i feel like donna would be sooort of approaching yaz like she approached martha back in s4#but i dont think yaz would be as receptive to that as martha#bc yaz. is. in much the same state as the doctor is. in terms of trauma and running on fumes and lets just keep running and not talking#except that she /didnt/ just regenerate to become weirdly honest about her affections#she still loyal devoted 'shes fine shes fine' never told anyone running from home just said goodbye to one of her best friends#And also to maybe her first real romantic love who Died But Didnt#dealing with all of that as quietly as shes dealt with alll the rest of it up till now#thrown into this situation where she knows no one and the doctor knows everyone and everyone knows the doctor but she knows no one not even#this doctor#all that just to say. i dont think she'd be very friendly with donna#polite. mostly. probably. but also having lots of feelings#that are gonna be...........difficult..........i think for all three of them to deal with#bc donna doesnt know what shes dealing with in terms of doctor/yaz#maybe she assumes a friend. or else a rose or a martha situation. bUT. yaz is none of those#yaz isnt making hearteyes or Yearning In Secret at this point yaz is grieving and also i think trying to figure out her place#shes more of a river situation. not really. comparison doesnt entirely work. but like. river in the library. vaguely#more that than the secret crush thing that it was#and the doctor knows Exactly whats going on with yaz but yknow. Busy. and they havent really had a moment alone to talk abt it#if theyre gonna talk abt it#and donna is pushing the doctor in their familiar dynamic and yaz is just sort of...........squished between that#trying to stand her ground while not even really knowing where or what that ground even IS#anyway so. tldr. Complicated#complicated dyanmic and complicated to balance so i dont sacrifice any of the doctor&donna stuff#which might happen a little anywaybc i have a clear yaz bias but im trying to mitigate it as much as i can
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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Thinking back on it and... even though I didnt have the words or vocab to adequately explain my fears or how I felt, I'm really really proud of younger me for identifying those experiences and fears and trying to voice them anyway, and I'm proud of younger me for not changing in face of those differences
#ive always been aroace just didnt have the knowledge to say it#so i kept with my stupid promise theory#but im proud of myself to identifying wjay i did or didnt want. that i didnt feel that way#and rather than trying to force myself to appear allo or hating myself for not beint like anyone else#i found a reason that made sense and rolled with it#and stood true to myself#i was thinking of a trip when i was like 12 to the beach#and we were walking back to our hotel and i said to my mom i was afraid that my promise to never get a crush#had closed my heart to love. i was afraid i couldnt love ever#and i don't remember if i meant i wanted romantic love or if i was aftaid this meant i couldnt love my friends and family#or life and the things in it#(it was probably the latter)#but im proud of myself for voicing those fears and even when my mom gave the wrong response#('oh maybe you did. thats not good maybe you should open your heart to love and crushes')#(mom didnt know any better and what she actually said wasnt bad or even unwise. but it did hurt me. i remember the hurt)#im proud that i took that pain and wrong answer and rather than betraying myself i just basically went 'so be it' and accepted who i was#im looking back and i was a really wise child#idk im just feeling self love right now. i dont always feel this easy love and acknowledgement to myself#shay posts#aroace#aromantic#asexual#aroace positivity#aromantic positivity#aromantic experience#aroace experience#asexual positivity#asexual experience
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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me having my 3rd sexuality crisis of the week <33
#OK NO BUT SERISOULY IDK ANYMORE........#like#i am bisexual#right#but#every relationship ive had w a guy has FAILED#bc i lost feelings#but i had a crush on a girl for 2 FUCKING YEARS#and never lost feelings#AND IM SUPPOSED TO BE ARO???#I MEAN I AM AROACE WELL GREYARO BUT SAMRETHING#i odont get it#am i lesbian now or what im so confused#i used to think i was lesbian then i thought i was trans then i thought i was pan and now im bi#but dude....#and its like#its not just girls#femme aligned ppl???#I DONT EVEN GET IT#im like#attracted to everyone#just not#cis men#DOES THAT MAKE SENSE????#like i cant imagine myself w a cis guy#but likeid be cool dating like... a demiboy or a masc nb person or like uhh bigender person IDK. FUCKING HELL EVEN IM BIGENDER LIKE#LIKE ID DATE A BOYGIRL OR GIRLBOY#and i would date any girl ever#like any girl#like a femme nb or a trans girl or a demigirl
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I saw a post the other day that kinda pushed back on the way all coming of age movies are about sexuality and all high school stories basically center around who wants to fuck who and how that's like. Not really all coming of age and high school stories should offer since you know. Youth isn't about who you have a crush on and probably coming of age stories in particular should be far more diverse in subject matter than they are.
Honestly as someone who, when I was 'coming of age' age, hated coming of age stories and still do for the exact reason listed above (see the weird scene in It where we all sexualize a 13 year old girl because boys have crushes and surely there's no other way to portray this than feeling a child up with a camera to demonstrate boys have ~feelings~ Bev gets no equivalent scene because she's the object of affection rather than the subject feeling desire) I also wish there was diversity in those stories. And coming of age stories about adults- we don't stop going through huge life moments that change everything forever, but back to kids. When I was a kid I could have desperately used a coming of age story where the character has a sick and dying parent who does die by the end of the story and what happens after that. Granted I did just fine without it, but even without being asexual it's always irked me that coming of age stories don't seem to appreciate that kids have way larger problems and way better stories to tell then first crushes and first kisses for shit sake give kids who went through what I did as a kid some kind of story about what happens when your parent gets cancer and how complicated that is and stop assuming the biggest thing that happens around puberty is discovering sexuality that, if you were queer, you probably already noticed what you felt wasn't in a coming of age story anyway.
#winters ramblings#id actually LOVE to see a coming of age story about an immigrant child moving to a new country#and have the coming of age center around THAT instead of these bizarre vaguely adult explorations of sexuality#that honestly ive never related to anyway like maybe the allos get it but even THEY deserve more diversity in stories#SURELY even your local allos have a dad dying of cancer they desperately need to know what to do with#like deadass a therapist told me at 26 i was robbed as a child because of what i went through and i STILL cry when i think of that#but no coming of age is all sex shit because children according to adults dont have real issues#which tells me adukts writing the stories are MASSIVELY privileged or stunted by execs or straight up assune kids wont watch#a REAL coming of age story. also i want a coming of age story about a 40 year old who is going through a career change#and the struggles that come with late career change. the benefits of a late career change. all the complicated family goo around all this#just give me decent stories that arent too focused on fycking RELATIONSHIPS for once. have them there sure i dont care#but for FUCK sakes can we stop pretending a 13 year olds biggest concern us who they have a crush on??#my dad was DEAD and i knew only one other person who lost her mom way younger than me at 8#we did not understand each other and how could we when our situations were so different. BOTH of us were so highly alienated#because NO ONE not even each other could relate to a lot if the people around us. the only thing we DID have in common#was the sick feeling we got when someone would bitch about their parents having fair expectations or not giving them literally everything#we both had an 'at least you HAVE parents to hokd you to reasonable standards and all you do is SQUANDER it' even if our feelings werent#faur to our peers anymore than their feelings were fair to us. wheres the coming of age story about THAT#tell me a story about a 16 year old whos mom has been dead HALF her life already like my friend. i was lucky enough not to deal with that#until i was 24. she deserved better out if high school and coming of age stories too. believe it or not kids have REAL lives and problems#and im SO tired of no one writing anything but some sad kids books about it even if the books are SOMETHING to start with#like for shit sakes must NICEthat the worst thing YOU went through was realizing you had a sexuality but my queer ass#ALWAYS knew i was different and highschool highlighted that a BUNCH so unless we're exploring aroace teens that doesnt appeal either#great yet ANOTHER story about straight teenagers because THEYRE the ones who need guidance on how to express themselves#like they dont see strsight people storoes and sexuality EVERYWHERE plus the ACTUAL opportunity to date in high school#that most queer kids dont get or dont get in the same way. why is THAT the only story being told when its the most saturated and BORING#and also ignores that kids have REAL issues and NO angency. explore THAT. do ANYTHING but yet another fucking coming of age story#about straight kids having crushes on each other and thats IT like come on SERIOUSLY
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#gif#cryptic ramblings#in the tags#i keep wanting to (once again) make a post abt how like. im Not tryna be parasocial or creepy or. whatever. re: one joe keery#n i know by making this post talking abt the post i keep wanting to make im still kinda making that post but Shaddup ☝️ i just wanna get it#out my brain. but like the main reason i dont is bc 1: ive made that post. kinda. in some way. im Sure. and 2: who tf even cares LMAOOO lik#i truly dont think anyone here cares like tht n i have a solid. 200 followers on this site n maybe like 10 are actually active n its My Blo#literally im such a nobody ik it doesnt really matter. but also im like. 'what if thats what makes it seem Weird tho. like some loner stalk#'*stalker girl or whatever.' but THEN its like if i keep tryna INSIST IM NOT!!! it feels like. 'the lady doth protest too much 👀' and AGAIN#I KNOW ITS NOT THAT DEEP!!!! I KNOW no one here cares. like No One is payin tht kinda attention to my blog#i think its just bc its a crush on a celeb n ive never really been that kinda person so idk how to Deal. esp in this day n age where there#ARE creepy superfans out there tht exist ykwim??? like yeah ive had 'celebrity crushes' but thts always been like 'ugh x is so attractive!'#n never really like a 'i wish i could date x.' or an 'id date x if they asked'. does tht make any sense??#basically i think im realizing im (i was??) more demiromantic than i thought i am (was???) bc ny crushes have like 90% of the time been on#ppl i Know to some level. like acquaintances at Minimum and typically actual friends. which i thought (still kinda think?? correct me if im#(wrong) is normal/typical?? bc i thought demiro was a deeper kinda connection before getting romantic feelings?? all that is to say:#i dont usually crush on ppl i dont know so this kinda crush (and on a celeb!! laameee) is weird to me n again: idk how to act 🧍🏽♀️#so anyways thats why i keep wanting to make tht post n then not making the post n why i decided to make This post explaining my thoughts#on the post that i Didnt Make#anyways if u actually read all this ur a real one fr and thank u for hearing me out i just wanted to get tht out fr#feel free to dm me any thoughts/opinions/corrections/concerns/whatever idk. this shits always rattling in my brain sooo ya#edit: damn... i rly wrote a fkn essay in these tags... anyways--
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#and like okay so#he also was talking on the phone and was touching my thigh and knee the whole time#and i have never felt more like in a book before#like i think i was blushing but it felt nice#is this what people were experiencing when they had crushes and went on dates? fuck#and he makes me feel so safe#i dont usually stim as often as i do in public but ive been stimming a lot more recently
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#wanna know where im at gender wise#im#oh god#yknow i wanted to say im cis#but thats not true#i do not identify as a woman#because i have none of the societal experiences of one#societal not bodily#like. none#good#bad#NONE#i never went with girls to the bathroom at school#nobody ever hollered at me on the street#i never had a crush#though i think im attracted to women based on the fact that i struggle to see men as like. people (WORKING ON IT)#its like. im not even agender i am somehow ungendered at all#theres one thought ive had#and its not something i can really post#so yknow dont screenshot this i know delusional cis girl moment#but i feel more like a trans woman than a cis woman#i met this girl - i like her but idk if romantically yet#and we have so much in common#like from out childhoods the way we grew up how others treated up how we thought#its like for the first time im talking to someone who has had a remotely similar experience in life#what do i think about that? who am i?#i am obviously not a trans woman bu definiton of the word AND its compound words#and you know whats the funniest part? THAT is not the problem#i long ago came to terms with the fact that my gender is me#but why?
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