#ive gotten real close my back hurts so bad

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

everyone manifest i dont get hurt lugging camera equipment around

[icallhimjoey]

What would you think would be Joe's reaction when you guys are having an argument and you, right off the bat, list all of your insecurities and say its the perfect excuse for him to break it off with you (I mean if-- dare to dream-- I was in a relationship with him, I would spend every waking day thinking there's someone way better for him)

ew gross, so yes, absolutely, i had to write this (also ive been getting accusations of my readers being too confident, so, i tried my best to make us a little more insecure for this one) (hope you enjoy!) Wordcount: 2.3K

---

What's Best For Me

You noticed immediately that his hands had stopped reaching out. No more touches. That's how you knew it was actually serious.

Joe knew exactly how to hurt you the most, and it wasn't by being quiet, by ignoring your words, by refusing to talk... It wasn't the lack of kisses when he'd walk in, or the fact that he had just gone for a shower and locked the actual door (when was the last time you'd locked any doors in this house? Had you ever?).

It was the hand that didn't reach out. The fingers that didn't play.

His fingertips that didn't caress the sliver of skin that your top would expose when you'd reach for something up high in the kitchen.

His hand that didn't curl around your neck, just to hold onto it whilst you watched TV on the sofa together.

Even the open palm that didn't find your arm or your shoulder when you made a comment that would make him laugh.

Joe skillfully moved around you in the bathroom that morning, without a touch. Not even a bump of a hip or a rub of a shoulder. Nothing.

Joe kept his hands to himself, and he had done since he'd gotten home the day before. It pulled and stretched something inside you that wasn't meant to stretch. You could feel it pull tight when he'd walk in, and snap back harshly when he'd walk out. It almost made you hold your breath in his presence, sighing deeply with frustration when you'd be left alone again.

And logically, you understood.

There was a lot going on.

Professionally and privately, there were many balls up in the air and Joe had only just learnt how to juggle and it was all tense. Scary and new. And then, just to add onto everything, Joe'd been advised to really actually stop smoking for real this time because people were asking what brand of cigarettes he smoked, and fucking hell, if there was one thing Joe didn't want to be, it was a bad influence.

"Joe?"

"What?"

You wondered if him being annoyed and irritated could actually mean something sweet.

Like, maybe it was safe enough to be short and snappy with you because Joe knew you'd still be there for him after.

Or maybe it was the fact that you hadn't really asked Joe much about his feelings. His thoughts. The second he grew a little more distant and buried himself in his mind, you'd... kind of done the same. And you reasoned that Joe would come to you once he was ready. But, what if he wouldn't?

"Does this need washing?"

You held up one of Joe's shirts that had been discarded on the one chair in your bedroom.

"No, I..." Joe sighed, closed his eyes in sheer frustration. At least, that's how you read it. "That doesn't fit me anymore,"

You looked at the shirt. It didn't look like Joe didn't fit it anymore, but you weren't going to test him on his word.

"Do you want to get rid of it?"

"No, just - just leave it, I'll get to it later,"

"Joe, I'm trying to make the bedroom look less untidy,"

Maybe that had been the problem. You weren't insanely organised and would let mess build until you'd have a moment of clarity and would want to deep clean the entire place within 4 minutes. Maybe that was what had gotten under Joe's skin, and why he hadn't leant over you to press a kiss onto your forehead yesterday, when you'd been napping on the sofa when he'd walked in.

Joe probably thought you'd been lazy and had left the place too messy.

"One shirt won't make a difference, just leave it on the chair. I need to go through my wardrobe later and it'll just get worse then anyway,"

All right. Fine.

You placed the shirt back where you found it and thought to yourself, maybe that's it. I'm a pushover.

Joe really only had to grumpily say one thing for you to comply. So weak, it was kind of disgusting.

And you didn't really communicate much, ever, did you? Because you didn't know how to express clear thoughts and feelings, so you'd let Joe swim in the dark for ages which, God, must be really fucking annoying.

And you looked around and saw that Joe's shirt was really all that Joe contributed to the mess in your bedroom - the rest of it was all you. Old make-up wipes and cotton buds caked with mascara laid on the side, and there was clothing all over.

You were messy, and closed-off, and an easy pushover. Wow. What a deal Joe got, Jesus Christ.

Catching sight of yourself in the mirror only made things worse.

That was the person Joe was with?

Was he sure?

Of course he wasn't. Had you not been paying attention? You didn't blame him. Look at you.

Best to keep busy. Actually tidy the place. Give Joe one less reason to be mad. Or worse, disappointed.

You flung every piece of clothing from the floor onto the bed where you started sloppily folding and categorising - grouping what needed to be washed, and what you knew had gone straight from the wardrobe to the carpet when you hadn't been able to decide on what to wear earlier.

Fuck.

This was one of those moments where the fix was so easy, and so readily available as well. You just needed Joe to place a warm palm onto your shoulder, or his fingers to squeeze the back of your neck. It would ground you enough, give you something to focus on and calm you right back down. Words wouldn't even be needed at all.

But you weren't getting any of those touches, because Joe was keeping those touches to himself, and as a result, you found yourself holding back a monster sob in the back of your throat that was growing more desperate to escape by the second.

"Hey, I'm going to..." Joe walked in, but stopped.

And you froze, because you knew, one wrong move, and that sob would get out. But you also couldn't hold your breath forever, and Joe saw how tensed you were just from a glance at your back.

"Oh, Jesus, if the shirt is such a problem," Joe started, and it could have been half a joke, but you weren't sure, and it definitely didn't help.

You swallowed thickly with your back towards Joe still, and hoped Joe wouldn't mention any of the insecurities that were swirling around in your brain. Those didn't need to be set in stone right now.

"N-no, it's fine," oh man, you hated how that came out all shaky as you quickly reached for a pair of your joggers and a hoodie that you balled up into your arms. "Maybe, I think, I'll go and stay with my sister for a few ni-"

"Hey,"

A soft, warm palm curled fingers around one of your biceps from behind and god fucking damn it, it pulled a wrecked noise from you. Embarrassing.

"I don't– that was a joke," Joe tried, and you could hear a breathy laugh escape him as you quickly brushed away the evidence of tears as if Joe couldn't see you make the actual motions right in front of him before you turned around.

"I know," you smiled, tried to save yourself of whatever this situation was becoming, and tried to sound all chipper as you said, "She, my sister, she asked and, wanted the company, so–"

"No she didn't," Joe scanned your whole being and frowned. He knew you were lying. "What is happening right now?"

"Nothing, I'm just..." you were pathetic. Couldn't even make eye-contact with your boyfriend. "I'm sorry, I'll just, I will get all of my shit out of here and get out of your hair for a minute, I think," you stopped and breathed deeply. Joe tried to find your eyes but you kept them trained at your feet like lasers.

"I think that's what's best, f-for now,"

You tried to step around him, but Joe wouldn't let you and reached with two hands that grabbed you by the shoulders.

"Best?" he started. "Best for who?"

That was when you looked up, and were met with two eyes that looked... a little confused, almost patronisingly so, because you saw that little smile dance behind that exaggerated pout. Like Joe hadn't been avoidant and short-tempered with you.

Oh cool. So you were also delusional and would jump to conclusions. How fun for you.

"It's okay if you don't want me here for a little bit, I don't–"

"Who said... because of a shirt?"

"You locked the bathroom door," you pointed and it made Joe turn his head to where the bathroom door was before turning back to you. Worry etched his forehead deeper now.

"Babe, you're speaking to me in riddles,"

And so you decided that you'd just let him know that you knew.

You knew that he hadn't kissed you when he walked in the day before because obviously you'd let the place slowly turn into a pigsty. You were a lazy piece of shit, you were well aware, but you know, Joe could've just said.

And Joe'd been distant because you hadn't really been there for him, had you? Not emotionally, because, you were awkward and weren't good at communicating when it came to feelings, and Joe was very clearly all up in his feelings, all the negative kinds, and you weren't emotionally mature enough to level with him.

You understood he didn't like you for it. Obviously, you wouldn't like you for it either.

But then he showered with the door locked and he'd never done that before, and he hadn't touched you in over 30 hours - not that you'd been counting, but you had. You had totally been counting, you told him.

And it was different now, because of course you'd gone longer than thirty hours without touching before, but not like this. Not when you were around each other and you could see his hands from the corner of your eye as he fiddled with a loose string on his jeans.

And listen. You could easily go without his kisses for a bit. You didn't mind if you didn't have sex for a while. Hugs even, if Joe didn't want to hug you, that was okay. You would manage. But a simple hand that didn't reach to squeeze your thigh, and didn't cup your face...

"Wait,"

Joe tried to stop your rambling, but there were tears now and you kept trying to fold the pieces of clothing in your arms further in on themselves, and listen, Joe, if you wanted to break up, you'd get it.

"Wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop! Look at me,"

At last. Eye-contact. Joe placed his two large palms on the sides of your face, moving your hair backwards a bit as he did.

"What are you on about?"

You just looked at him, eyes all wet, nose all drippy, but so very pleased that you could feel the pressure of his fingertips on your skin.

"Best for me? You think you fucking off to spend some time away from me is what's best for me?"

You kind of did, but, Joe clearly disagreed and it carefully made you question your entire train of thought, even if only for just a second before Joe pulled you in and hugged you tightly. He pressed your face into his chest and held it there in the crook of his elbow.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I've been–"

Joe sighed deeply, and you heard it rumble in his chest. Joe squeezed your side in his hug and it made you twist his T-shirt into your fists as you hugged him back.

"Everything's just... it's all happening at once, and, I can't just go for a quick smoke, and it's all I keep thinking about, I know it's awful, but..." Joe exhaled through a laugh. "I've just been in my head too much, and now I don't fit that stupid fucking shirt anymore because I gained weight, and–"

You squeezed tighter, and loved how there was more to squeeze now, so you were quick to say, "Stop, I love it," all muffled into his T-shirt.

"I know you do, but my wardrobe's not fit for it, is it?"

You pulled back a little, and looked up at him.

"So, we'll go shopping," you offered as a solution.

Joe ducked down for a kiss, pecking you lightly a few times before you said, "Or, for a run," and it made Joe chuckle as he tried to get more kisses out of you before he tightened his arms and hugged again. He nudged and rubbed his head by the side of yours like a cat would and squeezed his fingers into wherever he was touching you.

You had to try your absolute best to keep yourself together. To not melt into a puddle and sink into the carpet. That would only create more mess you'd have to then clean.

"I'm sorry," you said first, but then Joe quickly followed, "No I'm sorry,"

For a minute, you just stood in your messy bedroom and hugged, focussed on each other, focussed on Joe's hands and when you sighed deeply without it hitching in your throat, Joe hummed contently.

"This is helping," he then said, and you let your hands slide down his back to squeeze is bum. "Oh, that helps more, do that again," And it had you giggling, before Joe mused, "What's best for me is you, you idiot."

And you thought that Joe was wrong, but, he was allowed to be wrong. Joe could be wrong forever if it meant that his hands would be on you and you'd get to feel his warmth.

What was best for you was him. Not the other way around. But who were you to tell Joe? He could believe whatever he wanted, and hey, maybe one day, you'd believe it too.

---

The Taglisted: 

@ghostinthebackofyourhead @dirtyeddietini @jasminearondottir @josephquinned @cancankiki @sidthedollface2 @dylanmunson @munsonsgirl71 @alana4610 @emmamooney @thatonefan-girl @paola-carter @figmentofquinn @haylaansmi @thewondernanazombie @munsonmunster @kellysimagines @mybffjoe @chaoticgood-munson @sherrylyn628 @bdpst-massacre @05secondsofsexgods @lovelyblueness @adoreyouusugar @nadixq @prozacandnicotine @munsonswhore86 @alwayslindie @hauntingbastille @eddie-joe-munson @ali-in-w0nderland @pepperstories @phyllosilicate-s @thebellenouvelle @luvrsbian @joesquinns @choke-me-joey @alizztor @thelostmoonofpooosh @did-it-work @capricornrisingsstuff @quinnsbower @frogers @kennedy-brooke @daleyeahson @eddielives1986 @harringtonfan4 @afashionablesufferer @sadbitchfangirl

(taglist currently full, sorry)

[ender-cloud]

That new TGS update made me physically ill holy shit! Spoilers under cut

I feel like we all knew that this would happen but I wasn’t actually ready for it, Like god Lanyon you truly were screwed over

THIS MADE ME LIKE AGAHBAGWGAVEVS!!!

Also after this the “I wanted to be the person you needed me to be” makes me just feel so agshabaggas JEKYLLLL!!! It broke my heart and im still not ok.

Even after jekyll admitted it was him Lanyon still wanted to find an excuse how it couldn’t be at first and it’s just like, Lanyon! You can’t be doing this to me man!

Also, just, Jekyll saying that Hyde was a mistake is a punch to the gut, because i get how he can think that but Hyde is still like a part of Jekyll he separated from himself! Does he think that part of himself was a mistake? Or does he think that ever separating Hyde from him was a mistake? Because these two things can have very different meanings.

If he thinks that part of himself was a mistake: he hates a part of himself that he cant control which is something a lot of people experience but its still not ideal, But its also Fucked up, Because Hyde has become his own person and Jekyll is acting like he Dosent exist, like Hyde can’t hear all of this

But on the other hand if he thinks it was a mistake separating Hyde from himself might mean that he can see that maybe it would be better if he still had that part with him and this shows his growth from who he used to be. Finally realizing that it still makes him, him, again something some people need to overcome in real life.

Though it is most likely the first option but i can only hope its the second

I know that Lanyon’s reaction is probably the most important but I really want to see Jaspers and Rachels reactions too because we havent even gotten a glimpse of them in the background and it’s just heightening my curiosity, because Rachel was close to both of them so she’s the one im most interested in after Lanyon.

ANYWAY! BACK TO THE PAIN!!!

Im going to be honest i think Lanyon is valid for this because yes it has been 2 years and He and Jekyll have been friends for long enough to where you would have this trust base relationship.

Also they just got together romantically which would fuck up Lanyons mind even more. Like way to go Jekyll breaking the foundation of trust in a relationship in your first day of being in one. I can see how he might feel like his feelings are being played with, Hyde would avoid him, and ive been mentioning this so often but like if someone you thought was your friend and they had an Alter ego that avoided you wouldnt you be hurt?

I feel like im shitting on Jekyll a lot, and I don’t mean to because I like Jekyll!! Dont get me wrong!!! But you have to admit that it is his fault, he’s not always the victim, its the people around him who’s being affected by his actions. It was Jekyll’s choice to continue to drink the potion, it was Jekyll’s choice not to tell Lanyon, there was no outside force making him do this.

And you can’t say that Hyde was making him continue to drink the potion because for 1; i doubt that in the beginning Hyde would be able to bother him that much only starting out, im sure it was another thing that developed over time with the potions use and 2; as we saw Jekyll could’ve thrown away those potions on his own terms at any time, he didn’t have to make more.

I just wanted to make this known because i feel like it needs to, do i like Jekyll? Yes. Do i feel bad for him? Yes. Do i think he’s the victim in the situation? No, because of the reasons above. But really, I don’t hate Jekyll, and its not like its always his fault, no, but in this situation it was his actions that lead to this.

I got really sidetracked so heres some of the other images i saved because this is getting really long.

Them both crying Makes this so much worse like, these two almost never show their emotions around people, and now in front of everyone they are about to breakdown, it just makes my chest tight, God dammit Sage this Chapter was painful

[mydetheturk]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love 💞

Ooooo I'm going to have a hard time picking five fics, i think.

here goes! (general "probably mind the tags on some of these?" notice before we really get into it)

I'm starting with an early one with this one; its vash (and meryl) having a terrible day, vash especially with the chronic pains, and wolfwood's a sweetheart. i adore it. ive gotten multiple comments from people saying they come back and reread it when they're having bad pain days because they can relate and all i can really say about vash's pain is "i wish it wasn't so real" because i based it off my own! my joints hurt so bad (my joints hurt so bad right now even) and sometimes a girl needs to project. wrap vash in a fuzzy blanket with a hot pack.

some uh. mean to wolfwood time; i was experimenting with second person pov for the first time in a very long time, and i really liked how it turned out! its kind of a take on volume 10 of the manga with tristamp elements. wait. stay here! its fine! wolfwood lives! it's part of a series where i explicitly make sure wolfwood lives!

i haven't decided if it's going to stay two chapters or if i'm going to write meryl pov or vash pov (its mashwood flavored) but please note that in my notes for if i ever do continue this, meryl kicks vash in the shin while wearing steel toe boots. she also then cries on him for breaking a promise but sometimes you have to drag one of your boyfriends home to the other one whose immunocompromised right now because of uh -flips through notes- heart transplant.

This fic is Rated E for First Time With A New Partner shenanigans. ALSO a mashwood fic. (hilariously, the first three all have been. oops? on a theme i think) The first part where Meryl & Wolfwood are playing Rock Paper Scissors to get to be the first one to go down on Vash, to Vash's Mortification and Robert's amusement? Had been languishing in a file for like a month, making me laugh at it every time i opened the file because it was right on top.

First Time Together Mashwood! Meryl gets to go down on Vash, and then Wolfwood goes down on her, and a great time is had by all. 5500 words of sillies.

It has Fanart. I laughed so hard i cried, delighted in the fact that someone had so clearly seen what i was picturing in my head.

The next two are a little Different.

-leans in. leans in real close- domina is our lovely girl and you'll love her too. this fic (and all of the domina/knives fics, really) spawned from me thinking to myself, "domina deserves to haunt knives. of all the plants he subsumes and makes part of the plant amalgamation, she is the only independent plant." so i started writing her haunting knives. and it spawned. it's spawned a lot, actually.

Six AM, Mulholland Drive, Moonlight Sonata and I is a take on being afraid of someone you love, i think. Chronica's mourned Domina, has thought she's dead, and comes to find out she's alive and running away.

It's got one of my favorite lines ive ever written in it, and its lovely, in a heartbreaking way.

.... listen, whenever i say "i have got to make plants weirder" please note this is a foray into making plants Weirder.

This was an early foray into making plants weirder. It's Zazie/Knives. No, no, stay here, enjoy some xeno weirdness, where the plant hivemind and the bug hivemind are having cross species communications. knives explodes. semi-literally, even. This really is one of the "might wanna mind the tags" fics, because Zazie. but also Knives! Weird, Contrary Bastard and "We're Here For Our Amusement" Bug Person.

I say both of these fondly.

Enjoy!

[the1975attheirverybest]

ignore this if you want to but basically last thursday was a bit of an awful morning that ended up with me missing my first lecture of the day, sat in bed crying and then bailing on going out to the pub and ignoring everyone which ended up being quite nice. i cant actually remember what i did over the weekend other than not work and then monday was okay like i went to the library and somewhat organised myself but got distracted as i ended up meeting up with friends and then buying wine from tescos do do a greek lit reading night which was fun but really overwhelming (i also dont actually like wine that much) but then tuesday as much as i got out of my flat i then did actually nothing all day and it made me feel awful and then yesterday i dont think i properly got out of bed until 5pm and ive just felt a bit horrific because i feel like im failing academically, ive not been eating properly at all and i kinda just hate myself and i kinda just want to go home but i dont really have the time and i feel like it would just make everything worse when i come back. i also git into a slight argument with a couple of home friends because i sent some a selfie of me as a reaction to something that was said and got a how are you still in bed (i think it was gone midday at that point) and i said ive been trying to will myself out of existence (which in retrospect does sound fucking stupid but i was being sincere) and got basically omg same in response which pissed me off. i then later send some matty related meme which got some form of light-hearted response along the lines of being insane and i then went on a bit of a tirade about how you dont know how mentally ill i actually am and the response kinda was yeah were worried but dont know how to show it lol which again kinda annoyed be given that i have been a mediator to a lot of their quite serious relationship issues but then got a bit of a more sincere response after but i didnt read it properly and havent really said anything bar sending a tiktok because i dont want to have to address me being a bit of an immature dick so now i feel kinda isolated because im not close enough to any of my uni friends to be like hey im having a bit of a crisis can you make sure i actually eat real meals and maybe even force me to the shops to buy food - 🐸

Hey,

I need you to listen to me and know that I am being 100% serious. I don’t think any of this was immature or dickish. Cuz, like, I don’t know. I’ve been in situations where I’m having a bad depressive episodes and when I can finally muster the courage or energy to tell someone about it, I’ve gotten “mood” or “same” in response. And it’s kind of hard because no not “same” you’re not just having a bad day or feeling sad about something like a bad grade on a test or something. You’re literally struggling with an illness. That, on top of getting a comment about not getting out of bed on time when you’ve already been beating yourself up about it is hurtful. Your feelings are totally valid.

Of course, they don’t know that / didn’t mean to hurt you. They thought they were just making a simple comment. But that doesn’t mean you should trivialize how you feel about it.

Maybe once you’re feeling a bit better and more clear headed you can talk to them about how best to support you in moments like this?

In the meantime, I’m happy to force you to go to the shops. What, is it like….1 pm UK time right now? You have until I’m done teaching for the day. Like, 4 hours from now. I better come back on here and see that you’ve gone to get something for a home cooked meal. Otherwise I won’t post what I wanted to post tonight hahaha. No but for real. Do check in and tell me that you went. Mental illness is gross. You’re doing the best you can. He gentler with your brain.

[ddrqoyote]

The Road to Diamond I in DDR

So for some insane reason I decided instead of ranking up normally in LIFE4 I wanna go straight from Platinum I to Diamond I. I'm doing the Diamond I conditions one at a time, starting with the longest ones, the 14+15 clear lamps. There are ~350 songs between these two, I only have the stamina to play ~10 a day, and I can't play every day or it'll hurt my muscles and knees (also cause life happens), so it takes a LONG time.

I've been working on those for a while and I'm getting close. Also, no matter how bad I crap the bed on the remaining songs I'm guaranteed around a 945k average for the 14's and 930k for the 15's so I feel like a pretty cool d00d.

But now that I'm getting to the harder ones, I'm starting to think about the other goals. And I wanna infodump about em! So here goes.

All 14's over 850k (14 exceptions): Honestly haven't even thought about this one it's such a non-issue. I only have two 14's under 920k. I'm expecting to meet the requirement for Diamond III here, hoping for Diamond IV.

2 14 PFCs: So, quick aside.

I'm substituting PFCs for Waterfall (a Stepmania theme) scores of 98.5% or higher. This is equivalent to a PFC with 15% perfects (I've gotten several PFCs worse than this so I didn't just pick the bottom of the PFC range).

Waterfall scores correlate to DDR scores with an r^2 above 0.9. That breaks down in the AAA range, though, since DDR undervalues Marvelouses, and overvalues Perfects vs close Greats.

Solids (55 ms timing) are worth 4 perfects, other Greats are worth 7 perfects, Goods are worth 10 perfects, Misses are worth 12 perfects.

Why? Because (a) I get REALLY stressed about PFCs and it would be nice to be able to get a Great or two, and (b) I've had several PFCs where I knew I did better on one of my attempts than the real thing, and the Waterfall score backed that up, even though I got a Great or two.

The tournament community uses EX score, so those kinds of scores beat weak PFCs all the time and the community thinks that's fair. This is the same principle.

The downside, of course, is if I get a PFC that's worse than 98.5%, it doesn't count.

With that said.

I think this is doable, since it's only two. I have a 97.55 and a 97.4 already, but unfortunately they're both on draining songs (Plan 8 and Revolution), and I remember getting the Revolution score was a bitch so I don't know if I can push it much higher. I might try Wowie Zowie, since I have a 97, and if that doesn't work I'll try some of my 96s. I got those early so I might be able to upscore a lot.

It does make me realize how few REALLY great scores I have though. I've just been playing most of these once since there are so many to get through, but I'm still surprised I only have six 96+ scores. Also I literally played Plan 8 once and it's my 14 ceiling, I FC'd all the drills even. Weird.

All 15's over 800k (14 exceptions): Same as the 14 goal. My floor is literally 909k (he says, like he doesn't have a bunch of total bastards left to play).

AAA 2 15's: Easy. One of the first things I did getting back to LIFE4 was AAA Respec Fujin. I got it before my first 14 AAA. I'll AAA Little Steps or something and I'll be done. Also Little Steps was a great song to play at the start of this process cause it really is taking little steps towards a goal I can't wait for.

Clear 50 16s: I've hardly played 16s since I hit Platinum I, so I need to beat 32 more to hit this goal. I'm a little nervous but I think I can do it; I'm getting more and more experience with upper 15s which'll help me a lot.

960k+ a 16: This would be hard if In the Past didn't exist, but it does. I just need 10k more points, and I think I'm faster than I was when I played the first time so I bet I can get it.

(aside: i've been typing lowercase for a while and using so many capital i's for myself feels REALLY weird. like i'm calling myself sir or something. i think my life's better without them. but i figured a big post like this would be easier to understand with them.)

Clear 14 17s: Ooooooh boy we're at the scary ones. See, to counter the advantages of playing at home and using a modded LTEK instead of a probably badly-maintained stock pad with arrows a foot deep, I only accept Hard Clears on Waterfall (10 combo to gain life, half life gain for Solids, no life gain at all outside 55 ms, no life gain on OKs, Goods drain life). I have very few passes below 890k on any difficulty because of that. And when you have to do that on 17s...

My only two passes are Glitch Angel and DeltaMAX ESP and they were both pretty hard. Good lord I gotta beat 12 more of these... Definitely starting after I get the 50 16s! I need that experience on harder charts before I tackle these. Tbh it feels unreal that I could beat 17s at all.

910k+ a 17: Literally 3.4k away on DeltaMAX. That's like one note. But I don't wanna play it again and a lot of that was short-term memorization (Boost is for the weak) so I'd have to do that again. Maybe I'll get it on one of the others? I can dream...

Clear 2 18s: WHYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHY

I've only played two rounds of A (or any machine newer than EXTREME lol). I don't know how that lifebar works. But it must be pretty different than mine if they thought this was a reasonable goal. Now, I just might be able to do this anyway because shutter girl and ghetto police or whatever the fuck it's called are both piss easy for 18s. If I can beat all those 17s I can hopefully beat them (ghetto's footswitches will be hell nobar but what can you do).

But I'm pretty sure this goal came out before those two, so wtf were you supposed to beat? And Diamond II wants me to beat two more so if I wanna rank up after this I'll have to beat real 18s, jesus christ...

I can't substitute any of these btw. Those goals are INSANE. And really, really grindy. No way.

Earn Platinum or above on 1 Trial: This is the mystery goal. I've done exactly 1 trial and I've barely seen the others, so I have no idea if I can do this or not. It's not looking great though. Those are REALLY high score and MA goals and I probably just have to pick one and grind out the four songs. Maybe Celestial? 13s aren't that tiring and I like all the songs... Yeesh!

So... Wow. I guess I have my work cut out for me. But there's only one or two goals I'm scared I can't do, which is probably a good sign I'm at least close to Diamond level.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[takadasaiko]

Near Death Experiences (a SkyJade fic)

Summary: Every time Luke and Mara run across each other it seems like a new near death experience.

Notes: A while back I read the lovely @myevilmouse's 31 Days of Drabbles, Day 16 about Luke in the bacta tank and Mara staying. EvilMouse was kind enough to offer to let me run with any ideas I had linked to the drabble so here we go! I'm all in for some hurt/comfort :D

Read on AO3

----

She should have seen it coming. It wasn’t like all the signs hadn’t spelt out disaster from the moment she’d landed. From the nagging feeling pulling at her that she’d told herself she could handle to the way that the clients tried to change the terms of what had been a settled agreement, and then finally to the shootout that had left three of the five of them dead and Mara with what was proving to be a painful blaster burn along her thigh. They had almost gotten away with the data disk they were supposed to be purchasing as well when all the chaos had started, but a quick tug with the Force had pulled it across the old warehouse and into her hand. Now, several hours and enough redirects to lose even a talented tail, she limped her way up towards the smallest hangar where she’d left her craft and the new recruit that she was now glad she’d assigned to watch it. 

 Not that he was watching it very closely. Cid Gesk - a bright eyed kid from the Outer Rim with an inclination towards hero worship that had already proven an annoyance - was chatting with another pilot, hands dancing as he told some sort of story. Mara didn’t need to see the pilot’s face or even recognize the style of flight suit he’d worn since his days serving with the Alliance to know who had gotten the kid so riled up. 

 And from the brief flicker through the Force, Skywalker knew she was there too, even if he was too polite to interrupt Gesk mid-story. 

 “You know he’s on the clock, don’t you?” she called and watched Gesk pale, suddenly keenly aware that his new boss - the woman responsible for giving a report to her boss on how he did this trip - had caught him outside the ship. 

 Skywalker turned, the smile reaching his eyes. “Don’t blame him, Mara. I recognized the ship when I landed and we started chatting.”

 Gesk tried for what only managed to be the most awkward grin Mara had ever seen. “I swear I didn’t leave the hangar. Right here, just like you said.”

 “Don’t worry,” she directed at Skywalker, “it’ll just come out of the New Republic’s line of credit for consulting.”

 “Of course it will,” he chuckled, but those blue eyes of his narrowed as Mara’s leg gave slightly, the stumble barely noticeable to anyone but him. “You’re hurt.”

 “I’m fine.”

 “What happened?”

 “Clients tried to change the terms of the deal.” She reached into her pocket and pulled the data disk, tossing it to Gesk. “Make yourself useful and lock this up.”

 He caught it and muttered something to Skywalker before returning to his duties. She turned back to the Jedi Master who had an eyebrow quirked at her as if waiting for the full story. She frowned. “So what are you doing here?” she asked instead.

 For the briefest moment, he looked like he might not let it go, but then nodded towards the back of the hanger where his X-Wing sat out of immediate view. From the looks of it, it had seen some action. “Had a surprise run-in on my way back to Yavin IV and had to stop for some repairs.”

 A shrill sound caught her attention and she saw his R2 unit following after one of the mechanics back into the offices, fussing the whole way and refusing to be waived off. She shook her head and let the first real smile since they’d landed touch her lips. “We always seem to run into each other when you run into trouble.”

 He flashed her a grin. “Could say the same for you, but I think it’s a fair bet we find plenty of trouble on our own. Are you staying for a while?”

 “No, I should get going. Things went pretty bad in the deal and eventually they’ll realize I didn’t dock at the main hangar. No reason to tempt fate.”

 For the briefest of moments, she thought she saw disappointment in his eyes - maybe even felt it - but it was gone just as quickly. “Next time we’re on the same planet, we should catch up. It’s been a while.”

 “Miss me, Skywalker?” she teased, but didn’t expect the honest “Yes” in return with that painfully earnest look he got. She rolled her eyes, trying to hold onto the playful mood. “Well, if you can promise neither of us will walk away from it bleeding, I might be persuaded.”

 His lips parted, a response looking ready to roll off his tongue to continue the banter they’d become accustomed to, but he stiffened ever so slightly. Mara felt it a half moment later and shifted so she could see around him even as he turned. 

 Everything happened in what felt like a fraction of a second. Her brain registered  a figure approaching at a quick pace, something clutched in hand. It went up in the air, the lights on it already showing all the signs of detonation, and she heard Skywalker shout something. A bright light ripped at her eyes, the ear piercing sound of an explosion the warning that they wouldn’t have long to care, but the flames from the explosion didn’t touch her. Luke stood in front of her, both hands outstretched and his face strained as he fought to keep the blast from killing them both. 

 But the explosion had to go somewhere, and Mara barely registered where as the steady hangar floor suddenly rippled and broke beneath their feet, sending both her and Skywalker crashing down to the next level. 

 ——-

 She came around slowly, wincing as she pushed her body off the ground and felt bits of debris fall away, struggling to pull the details of what had happened together. Mara blinked hard and dim, flickering lights that hung unsteadily from far above gave a limited view of her surroundings. The next level down? Couldn’t be. A hangar bay had to be big enough to house ships. The fall alone would have killed her…. but they weren’t in the main bay. That was right. She and Gesk had landed on the outskirts to avoid prying eyes. Then the deal has gone bad, she’d come back, and…. Skywalker. 

 Mara’s gaze swept the room she’d landed in and found only pieces of the hangar bay floor that had come crashing down with them, but no sign of the Jedi Master. She pulled in a shaky breath, forcing herself to relax with the exhale and reach out through the Force. She could feel pain, fear, panic…. But they were all distant and they weren’t Luke. She pictured him in her mind, focusing, until there was a flicker that felt like him a handful of meters away. She let her eyes flicker open and found a pile of debris where she could sense him. That couldn’t be good. 

 She picked her way over carefully, trying to strengthen her connection to him. Slowly, deliberately, she studied the pile of rubble to see what would happen if she started pulling it away until she found a place to start that she was relatively certain wouldn’t collapse in on him or outward on her. She couldn’t help him if she was pinned too. 

 It was painstaking work, but as she got closer and closer she could feel that flicker of consciousness start to grow. “I'm coming,” she huffed the promise, feeling sweat trickling down the back of her neck. He just needed to hold on a little longer. 

 Mara sent a chunk of metal tumbling out of her way and cleared an opening. In it she saw a mop of dark blond hair and relief flooded through her. She carefully tugged more and more debris out of the way, showing that he was twisted over, under, and around pieces of the floor and ceiling and whatever had been between, half on his side. As she pulled at a larger slab that was pressing down against his ribs she felt a jolt of pain from him. Blue eyes popped open and Skywalker choked on the sudden inhale that came with his abrupt return to consciousness. Mara froze, fingers latched around the best handholds she could find, unsure if she was somehow hurting him more by removing it. 

 “Hey,” she growled out, voice straining as she felt the tension on her hands and arms from holding the heavy slab just slightly off of him. “Skywalker.”

 His gaze snapped to her and he seemed to piece together what was happening. He gave the barest of nods and, with a breath and a little help from the Force, she finished the task of freeing him. 

 Skywalker shuddered, turning to curl on his side and Mara let her gaze travel down the length of his body until she spotted where his left arm was wrapped around his body, hand clutching at the ripped fabric of his flight suit. Blood leaked through his fingers as he struggled to catch his breath.

  Mara looked up at the severely damaged ceiling above them to verify they weren’t in immediate danger of another collapse before she sank down to a knee next to him, reaching out through the Force and with a hand, both gestures as soothing as she could manage. 

 He flinched under her physical touch, but didn’t pull fully away. His skin was clammy, blood smeared on his face from a cut above his right eye that was already starting to swell. She let her fingers linger at his hairline, the movement careful as she searched for any sign of head trauma. Well, at least there was one positive sign. 

 One more brush of his hair and she let her hand drift down, simultaneously checking for injuries and making sure he knew where she was looking. He must have had enough wherewithal to follow, because his left hand tightened around the fabric of his tattered flight suit as she drew closer to the injury. “I need to look,” she said, her voice rough than she meant for it to be. “Skywalker.” She received no acknowledgement and she loosed a soft sigh. “Luke.”

 He tensed slightly, but one by one his fingers started to loosen so that she could gently move his hand to reveal the jagged, deep gash that stretched along and below his ribs. She frowned at the wound, trying to push back the fact that it had likely been made worse when she’d removed the piece of ceiling from him. 

 “Not your fault,” he managed, his voice barely more than a whisper. “Couldn’t breathe.”

 She blinked, filling in the missing pieces of the explanation. “Bleeding out or crushed to death, how do you want to go?” she snarked softly. 

 Somehow it pulled the barest of laughs from him. “Neither?”

 “That’s got my vote.” 

 “Jade!”

 Mara’s gaze jerked to the massive hole in the ceiling to see Gesk inched carefully to the edge. As far as she could see, he looked to have missed the brunt of the blast. 

 “It pushed the ship back!” he called down. “Not sure if she’ll fly or not but —“

 “I don’t give a kriff about the ship!” she snapped. “We need medical attention down here now .”

 He gave her a startled look and started nodding enthusiastically. “Yep. Yeah, of course. They’re uh… on their way. I’ll go check.”

 And then he was gone, not leaving Mara with a whole lot of faith in him. She sighed, shrugging her jacket off and turning it inside out to find the cleanest stretch of fabric. “This’ll hurt,” she warned, but didn’t give Skywalker a chance to protest as she pressed down. 

 His body went tense under her hands, blue eyes squeezed shut and she felt the fingers on his right hand graze her bent knee before taking hold of a piece of rubble to squeeze against the pain. She saw a flash of metal and, for a moment, she thought some of the ceiling was embedded in his hand before she remembered that it was mechanica under the synth fleshl. It was the metal casing that helped to protect the wiring she was seeing. He really had taken the full force of the attack. One likely meant for her. 

 “Not your fault,” he repeated through clenched teeth. 

 “He was probably after me,” she confessed quietly. “Two people got away in the botched deal.”

 “You recognize him?”

 Mara struggled to recall the approaching figure that had held the detonator, but she couldn’t recall the face. “I don’t know.”

 “Could have just as easily tracked me.” His grip on the rubble loosened just a little. “You okay?”

 “You took the brunt of it.”

 And tightened again, a fresh wave of pain evident. “Not an answer,” he managed. 

 “I’m okay,” she promised. “Hell of a lot better than you.” 

 A rough chuckle left him and she felt his hand on her knee. “Good.”

 He was drifting again. “Luke?”

 “Hmm?”

 “I meant it earlier. No more near-death experiences when we see each other.”

 “Reasonable,” he huffed, amusement flickering through the Force. 

 “Good.” Because, somewhere along the way, she realized that she wasn’t ready to lose him. 

 “You too,” he murmured. 

 She hated when he did that… but for what it was worth, she doubted either of them had their barriers up. Before she could talk herself out of it she leaned down, pressing a quick kiss to his temple. If he knew or not, she couldn’t tell, and she’d just as soon prefer he didn’t. 

 “Jade! I got help!” Gesk called from above and there were several locals with him along with Skywalker’s nervous little R2 unit. 

 “Hear that, Skywalker? Gesk actually did what he was told.”

 Luke’s amusement flickering over was the only sign he’d heard her. She stayed with him, unmoving from where she was knelt with her hands pressed against her jacket that was staunching the flow of blood from the gash along his ribs. The locals descended with a medical droid and only then did she force herself to stand and take a step back, feeling his limp hand slide from her knee as he did. 

 He was going to be alright. He had to be.

[askfallenroyalty]

im getting really off-track here and am sorry to disturb from the main storyline but im very curious what fate ralsei holds in your universe because i think? this is one of the most unique endings i saw him getting? not that ive seen much besides all of the fountains closing or rals being a villain/someone from ut partially i just wanna know how he's doing. he seemed so disappointed when leaving

oh! i can actually show it. i WANT to clean up and make the drawn comic panels i did on the dark world stream publicly available but i just never find the time for it KLFLSf it'd be a bit of an effort because i didn't know to use the webtoon feature so everything is by a LARGE folder instead of separate canvases... wild i used to work that way. hell on earth.

ok so. I WILL transcribe this comic when i do the above ^ so apologies to those who need it for now. under the cut is Ralsei's ending, minus most of the context. i want to emphasizes, THIS IS A TEMPORARY POSTING LMAO. it will be accessible and fully contextualized later

Uh. Spoilers for Darkworld Arc (the Sam's Biggest Mistake in AFR History Arc). Does it count as a spoiler if i'm a lazy ass who hasn't gotten around to cleaning this story up?

again transcript will be added in the actual release. alongside the unfinished "music" video (the audio was never composed as the vid wasn't finshed.) it has SOME merit tho.

After the Big Battle with Gaster the knight returns (is anyone surprised? no) and posseses Lancer to help give an epilogue to the kids.

(skipping ahead a little because i DO want this scene to mostly be unspoiled, even after all this time)

...apparently this is where either my tablet died again or i was burnt out after drawing for like, idk, 12 hours on stream SKFJSLDF. this is the last panel.

mwuah. a master piece.

ANYWAY. Ralsie (at this point he's been reunited with the kids at the end of the battle. i DO have art for that but i'm just going to show the aftermath)

anyway with Tazetta being crowned princess and given a fresh new life, (again, details vauge cause it's a cute scene that works best with full context) she and ralsei are set up to be new siblings -a brother and a sister!

Kris and Susie got the chance to be proper heroes to defeat Gaster (saving Ralsie in the process) so everyone's on good terms -Susie feels redeemed for attacking Feylow and Knight-Kris (Knis???), Kris got a big Hero Moment and feels validated in their ability to choose their destiny, Ralsei gets to feel the prophecy wasn't a total lie, and he's been given a full chance to live his own life now without the Knight being a turd about it

anyway with the Knight

(AGAIN trying my best not to spoil the scene (fine with talking story beats but not in detail) so deal with being out of context as possible) the knight literally ends the fight by putting gaster in a time out and deciding to become a better person for the darkner's benefit.

yeah. jeeze. really wild how chapter 2 completely recontextualized things huh.

Also, since it's been a year :grimace emoji: i can saftely say the knight is WAY out of character and way to nice and "forgivable" in this dark world. back then I was thinking: "hm, maybe the Knight can be more redeemed and once in Darkworld, they could have a change of heart :)"

yeah thats. that's WAY off the table for Angel's Lullaby as it is now. the "will they or won't they redeem themself" is still on the table but its a WAY bigger fight to accomplish (or fail) than what was depicted here, sharing Kris' SOUL or not.

I think i was just toying with the idea of the Knight's redemption to foreshadow Asriel being flowey and not believing their SOUL was real. I felt this would help justify/foreshadow why Asriel was wrong ahead of time. or something. now i just think it hurts the story by having the knight involved, it undermines that story's intentional confusion if Asriel was right or not a ton!

yeah a big reason why the DW arc was Bad was because 1) outdated for both Angel's AND deltarune LMAO 2) bad in context of Asriel's arc 3) Feylow is kinda a big mess and overly ambitious of a writing metaphor for my skill level at the time 4) litearllyyyy hate the narrative i built for frisk and ralsei and i couldn't really salvage that x-x

ANYWAY sorry for the mean tangent. hopefully this gave you some insight to Ralsei's story arc even if I didn't show the full extent of it

[ashintheairlikesnow]

A Little Bit Stabbed

Jake Gets Stabbed Miniseries: First Second Third Fourth Fifth Sixth

CW: Discussion of past child abuse/domestic violence, description of stab wound, painkillers/drugged but in a good way, brief IV needle reference, some short references to Jake’s religious trauma, some trauma response stuff

“Took four of us to get you onto the couch, you know,” Kauri says, fingers moving gently to brush Jake’s short hair back off his forehead. There’s a hint of humor to his deep voice, but Jake catches the tremor in it, too. “You’re heavier than you look.”

“Must be… pretty fucking heavy, then,” Jake manages, voice slightly thin. They gave him something - Nat’s EMT friend showed up with IV supplies while refusing to tell anyone where they’d gotten ahold of everything from, except to repeatedly reassure all of them I know someone, it’s taken care of, I probably won’t go to jail for this. Besides, I’ve been in jail before.

Jake might not have found it very reassuring if he wasn’t halfway to unconscious from the pain alone at the time.

Now, though, there’s a needle feeding a steady supply of something wonderful into his bloodstream, holding the worst of the pain at bay. All he can feel now is maybe a little bit of an itch he knows better than to scratch, and a heaviness to his limbs that keeps them limp and relaxed. 

“We had to turn the stupid thing into the pull-out bed just to make sure your feet wouldn’t be higher than your head.” Kauri smiles at him, but there’s worry in those warm blue eyes, and Jake uses every ounce of strength to lift his good hand, the one on the uninjured side, and take Kauri’s, pulling his knuckles to his lips to brush against them. 

“I’m okay,” Jake says softly. “I am, Kaur. It’s not so bad.”

“It’s not-... you got fucking stabbed in your own kitchen, Jake.” Kauri’s lips thin and he looks away, over towards the TV, playing Clue.

Funny, Jake thinks, woozy and untethered to any kind of focus. My mom used to play Clue when we were alone, after. Made her feel better for a while.

“Just a… a flesh wound,” Jake manages in a terrible approximation of a British accent.

Kauri just looks at him, expression serious, and leans over until their foreheads touch. He’s warm, and Jake’s eyes close, basking in the body heat that comes off of him, surrounds them both. “Don’t,” Kauri whispers. “Please don’t make jokes. I thought-”

“It’s okay,” Jake murmurs. 

Eventually, he should probably tell someone he can only sort of feel the hand on the injured side. But not now. 

“It’s okay. It’s not s’bad. I got the good drugs, right?”

“Antibiotics and…” Kauri squints at the label on the bag attached to the IV, then winces and shakes his head. “Sorry. Can’t read today. It, uh. It kind of comes and goes when I’m worried, and today-”

“I get it. But… you don’t have to worry about me, Kaur. It’s over, it happened… I’ll feel better pretty fast. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Kauri says softly, but he relaxes beside Jake, keeping a hold of his hand. His fingers are slightly chilled, but they warm against Jake’s. The two of them settle into silence for a while, a woman in black on the TV with eyes blown wide in comic exaggeration of anger speaking in a blur of sound Jake knows by heart but can’t really pick apart from anything else, not just yet, not right now. 

He knows this movie by heart. He and his mom used to curl up under a blanket while she closed her eyes and prayed for things to get better and Jake prayed for his dad to die in a car accident or some other terrible way, and make it slow, and then pray with terror not to go to hell for thinking like that.

If men like his father go to heaven, Jake would rather burn in hell.

At least my favorite bands would be there, he thinks, and laughs to himself, shoulders shaking a little, sending a ripple of pain down his arm and spiking into his skull. He winces, but the thought still strikes him as too funny to quit circling woozily around his mind, and he keeps laughing a little.

Kauri turns to look at him, eyebrows raised. “What are you laughing at?”

Jake blinks over at him, those wide blue eyes. It had been hell not to be able to hold him for so long, with eyes like that. Real hell, the kind where you spend your days wishing for a connection that seems too hard to make. “Nothing, just… thinking about shit with my dad,” He says, finally. “My mom and I used to watch Clue all the time. It’s her favorite movie.”

“Yeah?” Kauri looks over his shoulder, back at the television, and Jake’s eyes move lazily over the slight bump in his nose where it was broken by someone years ago, the dip of his lips, the roundness of his chin, angling a little with age. The way his neck would feel to trace with just one fingertip, how he smiles when Jake does it, asks him what the fuck he’s looking at when there’s way more to Kauri that needs attention right now than just his face.

There’s a lazy wave of warmth in Jake, a steady thrum of something that goes much deeper than arousal, at the memory.

Adoration.

“Yeah,” He says, softly. “She’d put it on when he left the house, we’d make popcorn and watch it. Saturday night special, popcorn and a movie, Mom and Jake.”

“Where’d your dad go?” Kauri asks, then the answer catches up with him, and he winces. “Wait, sorry. I think I know where he went.”

“Church.”

That is clearly not what Kauri expected to hear. “I-... what?” He turns back to Jake, eyebrows furrowing. “I thought-”

“Nope. He went to church. Fish fry on Saturdays, he volunteered.” Jake is dimly aware that this might be more than he’s ever told Kauri about his father, at least more than he’s ever said that wasn’t laser-focused on the hurts, the bruises, the concussion, the ER visits where Jake learned to lie. “He was a magician with a deep fryer. Best fucking fish I ever ate.” He laughs, then coughs a little against the new round of ache in his shoulder. 

Kauri is quiet for a moment, his eyes searching Jake’s face, maybe looking for an idea of how to respond the right way. Jake knows that look - he’s seen it less and less over the years, but it never fully stops.

Kauri never stops looking for the safe answer, the one that won’t get him hurt. Jake never stops being ready to fight his way out if it happens again. Kauri is still ready to say what the abuser needs to hear, placate and please and keep himself alive.

Jake is still ready to pick up a weapon and use it if his father ever comes near he or his mother again. Not that he ever will. Not that he even wants to, sixteen years after Jake last saw his face. 

But he’s still built, deep within, to fight the threat. And so is Kauri, in his own way. 

“I love you so much,” Jake says softly. “I hope you didn’t pull anything dragging my ass around.”

“Mmmn, guess I’ll find out,” Kauri says softly, snuggling back up to him, then. “Should we change the movie? If it’s, like, a thing for you-”

“Nah.” Jake smiles, slightly. He feels pleasantly drunk, on whatever the painkiller slowly drip-feeding into his arm is. A little woozy, a little bit in love with it. “It’s like a comfort thing, really. I should call my mom-”

“I already did,” Kauri says, gently pushing him back down as Jake tries to make himself sit up. “She’s driving up. She said she’ll get here in the morning, she had to find someone to watch her dog.”

Jake blinks twice. “Mom has a dog?”

“I think it’s new. But, um. You can’t exactly meet her at her hotel, Jake. She’s gonna have to come here.”

Jake feels a rush of old nerves prickling along his arms, the hair of his neck trying to stand up. He closes his eyes, tries to push it back down. “I’ve never given her my address. It’s not safe for us. What if-... I don’t know. I’ve just never… I’ve always worried that if he found her, you know, that he’d… convince her to tell him where I live. He’d turn us all in just to feel like the big righteous moral hero all over again. Probably hard to feel that way when you’re hitting a teenager. Easier when you’re turning in vigilantes with stolen property.” He spits the words, and Kauri flinches a little. “Shit. Sorry, Kaur.”

“No, it’s. It’s okay. I get what you mean. But I don’t think your mom would do that. She loves you.”

“She does.” Jake exhales, closes his eyes. Inside him there is still an angry child that wants to point out that it hasn’t always been enough. But there’s a grown man, and a decade of fucking therapy, telling him there’s a whole lot more to it than that. “And she’s finally come around to understanding why I do this. Yeah… yeah, we’ll tell her where I am. It’ll be fine. Honestly, it’s not so bad. Jameson really did a great job on the stabbing.” Jake tries to laugh again. “Fucking surgeon with a butcher knife. He managed to miss every fucking bit of me that would have killed me.”

“Except for if you bled out,” Kauri points out, voice small. 

“Yeah… but I didn’t.” Jake thinks of Antoni’s face, the focus in his dark eyes, the quick movement of his hands, the blinding agony of the cloth being forced into the wound to soak up the blood, the way Antoni had leaned all his weight forwards to put enough pressure to staunch the bleeding. Jake had never felt pain like that before, and he’s not sure he could handle feeling it again. “Ant was there. It’ll be okay. Where is he?”

“In his room.” Picking at the heavy thick blanket laid over Jake, not quite looking at him now, Kauri asks, “How are you so calm about this?”

“Drugs,” Jake answers right away. “Like ninety percent drugs.” He groans as a throbbing ache travels from the stab wound, up into his skull, all the way down to his toes. “Fuck. The… whatever’s in there helps. But also…” Jake sighs, letting his eyes drift to the ceiling, over the popcorn-texture there. He’d meant to scrape it clean and smooth, when he bought the house, but other stuff kept taking priority, and he hadn’t gotten around to it yet. “This isn’t th’ first time, you know?”

Kauri frowns. “Jake, I have licked just about everything on your body, I’ve never seen a scar from-”

“Not… not stabbed. But… stuck here, on a couch-bed, tryin’... tryin’ to heal from shit. That’s not new.” Jake exhales. Above him, the blades of the ceiling fan circle lazily, and his eyes follow the movement of the shadows. 

“No, I guess not.”

“In any case… I haven’t s-seen… Jameson’s upstairs, right? Can you get him down here?”

Something passes over Kauri’s face, a shadow, a discomfort and darkness that Jake can’t quite read. “Jameson’s not in the house, Jake.”

“What? Why?” Jake starts trying to sit up again, and this time Kauri’s gentle push isn’t enough to get him back down. He grinds his teeth against the pain and forces himself upright, trying to shift his legs over the side of the bed. The room spins around him, dizzy-sick flip in his stomach, but he ignores it. He’s felt worse than this and kept moving before. “Shit, fuck, I should’ve made sure he didn’t leave-”

“He didn’t. I made him go.”

The look Jake turns on Kauri is baffled, but there’s anger, too, welling up inside him. “You what?”

“I told him he can’t stay here if he’s a danger to you and the others,” Kauri says, but he cringes back from Jake’s expression, instinctive fear. Jake hates how he looks like his dad - huge and muscular, a threat inherent in his existence that he might not give off if he were smaller. But his bulk and his strength is also the thing that makes him capable of withstanding the danger he puts himself in for them. It’s the reason he could come home and pick Chris up with a broken rib and carry him after they raided the last safehouse he’d lived in. It’s the reason he could finally fight back with his dad. It’s the reason the kids at his new schools, one after another after another as he and his mom moved constantly to try not to be found, left him alone. 

“Kauri, he can’t-... Jameson’s not. He can’t live on his own.”

“That’s a lie,” Kauri says, lips barely moving. “That’s a lie they tell us-”

“No, that’s not what I-... Jameson’s like Chris,” Jake says, softly. “Like Chris used to be. He was treated like an animal, Kauri. He didn’t get to use fucking utensils to eat in the last two places he was held, he told me himself. He can’t live on his own yet. If you kicked him out… Jesus Christ, Kauri, do you not remember how it felt when you were kicked out?”

Kauri looks like he’s been slapped. “Wait, Jake-... I didn’t mean-”

“We found you half-dead under a goddamn bush, Kauri, you can’t do that to someone else just because I got a little bit stabbed! Shit. Fuck. I gave him a burner phone, if he’s still got it on him, maybe I can call-”

“Jakob fucking Stanton!” Kauri yells so rarely, and Jake goes still, turning to look at him, seeing the anger written across Kauri’s face. Kauri angry is electric, and immensely sexy, and something Jake had gone so long thinking he would never see unless Vincent Shield showed up with a new idea for how to make up for all his failures by forcing himself around someone who hated him. “Will you fucking listen to me?!”

Jake just sits there, staring at him. He can’t even find the words. Eventually, he just nods.

“I didn’t kick him out on the street, I’m not that awful, and fuck you for thinking I am and we’re going to talk about that later when you aren’t half off your head from painkillers. I don’t want him here until you’re feeling better in case it happens again, so I-... so I sent him home with Nat. She doesn’t have anyone living with her right now, and she said okay, so he’s going to stay with her.” Kauri swallows, reaching slowly out to lay his hand on Jake’s leg. “He and I talked. He said it’s always been men, Jake. All of the ones who hurt him were men, one of them was... was really big like you, I guess. So I thought-... if he’s with Nat, maybe it won’t happen again for long enough for him to, to work it through in therapy and Dr. Berger maybe can give him, give him s-something to help. So maybe he won’t, um, hallucinate or… or w-whatever the next time.” Kauri’s eyes well up, glimmer with tears that don’t fall. “I was trying to help. I thought he’d feel safer with only a woman, maybe, and I sent him alone so that he’d know he can’t hurt Allyn, he was really scared of that, and…”

Jake’s mouth hangs open.

Kauri slumps over, his forehead slowly resting against Jake’s back where he sits slightly behind him now that Jake is nearly off the bed. “I had to make sure everyone’s safe. I didn’t know what else to do. I sent Chris to stay with Laken overnight but he’ll be back tomorrow, Antoni’s fucked up but he’s in his room and he’s safe, and all the rescues promised to stay in their rooms and Allyn tried to go with Jameson and I think they hate me now because I said no, but I didn’t-... I tried to think of what you would do, if it had been Chris or me he’d hurt. I was trying to be like you. I’m s-sorry if I fucked it up, I’m sorry, please, I thought you were going to die, please don’t be mad at me-”

“Kauri.” Jake turns, and uses his good hand to lift Kauri’s chin, meeting his eyes. 

Blue on blue, always. 

“I’m not mad,” He says, gently. “Not… not now. You’re right, I shouldn’t have… just been a shit deciding what you did without asking. I’m sorry. So, let me just… you spent the last couple of hours really fucking busy, huh?”

Kauri nods, kissing Jake’s fingertips, one by one. “I’m sorry,” He whispers. “I’m not… I’m not good at this, I’m not... not... I was so scared. I didn’t know what you would do, Jake, and Nat said she thought it was a good idea, so-”

“It is. It is a good idea.” Kauri blinks, surprised, and the tears that have been threatening finally run, clear as crystal, down his flushed cheeks. He looks like a fucking sculpture, Jake thinks to himself, like some artist’s idea of the perfect beautiful person. “Kauri, just. Now that I get what you were trying to do… Shit. That’s really smart.”

Kauri huffs a laugh, a kind of half-sobbing sound, and shakes his head. “It’s just, I was just guessing-”

“That’s all we ever do, too,” Jake says, voice soft. “We guess, at what we can do to help. Nat always says we make the hard choices when nobody else can. Kauri, that’s the smartest fucking idea. I’m… that’s some grace under fire shit. That’s amazing.”

“It… it is?”

“Yeah.” Jake kisses him, and Kauri tastes like mouthwash, like mint, kisses back with desperate intensity. “Yeah, Kaur. That’s even better than what I would have done. You’re so fucking smart. What made you decide to slum it with me?”

“You have a really good d-dick and I don’t w-w-want to lose access,” Kauri says, and he’s crying or laughing or maybe both. “You’re my eye candy.”

“You’re my Einstein.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck me yourself,” Jake says softly. 

“Heal a little first.” Kauri sighs, half-smiling, pulling Jake back into the bed to lay down again. “Everyone’s safe, Jake. At least for now. Everyone’s okay. You need to rest, and everyone’s going to be okay.”

Jake lets his head be maneuvered back onto the pillow, feels Kauri settle back down next to him, pulling the blankets back up over them both. He’s silent for a while, lets the soft sound of the end of the movie wash over him, showing the different endings.

“I love you,” He whispers. The way the adrenaline is fading makes him sleepy, drifting in a new drowsy haze, ready to dose off again. “So much.”

“Love you, too,” Kauri murmurs. 

He knows this - the couch-bed pulled out, watching movies and stand-up comedy at a low volume, a throb of pain somewhere that will heal only with time - by heart.

With Kauri’s weight and warmth beside him, it feels entirely, completely new.

-

@astrobly @burtlederp @finder-of-rings @whump-tr0pes @raigash @moose-teeth @orchidscript @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @eatyourdamnpears @boxboysandotherwhump @whumptywhumpdump @whumpfigure @outofangband @downriver914 @justabitofwhump @thehopelessopus @butwhatifyouwrite @yet-another-heathen @nonsensical-whump @newandfiguringitout @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whumpiary @endless-whump

[bbysamu]

It ain’t Me - Part II 

Featuring: KUROO Tetsurou x you ; AKAASHI Keiji x you 

Genre: Angst, fluff

Word Count: 1,090

Warning: mentions of alcohol and drinking 

Now Playing:  It Ain’t Me by Kygo & Selena Gomez

✎ Preview: You and Kuroo were high school sweethearts, you thought your love was as strong as whiskey, burning and sweet. Kuroo is sorry for hurting you, but it might just be a little too late. 

Ch. I

Ch. II

Ch. III

Ch. IV

Ch. V

Epilogue

a/n: no underage drinking please, don’t hinder your brain growth

Kuroo stood frozen in place, the lingering alcohol clouded his brain, making it all too hard to process what had just happened. He wanted to chase after you, to tell you he’s sorry and he won’t do it again, but his stomach felt nauseous at the mere thought of running. 

He sat down and notices the single pack of Viennese coffee on the kitchen island next to the mug you had gotten him. Kuroo sighs as his mind wanders back to the day you came back from Austria. 

♫I had a dream We were back to seventeen Summer nights and The Libertines Never growing up ♫

Kuroo looks down at the time on his phone and counted down the minutes. He checks the bright screen above, “AUS 1453 landed at 2:30 pm”, you should be through the gates at anytime. 

He scanned the crowd, before spotting that head of yours. Kuroo thought you looked beautiful even in your sweatpants and his Nekoma hoodie, hair tied up into a messy ponytail, eyes tired from the long flight. 

He called out to you and mentally captures the way your tired eyes twinkled as soon as you spotted him. 

“TETSU!” you ran towards him at full speed, crushing the red roses he got for you. 

“Y/N! you’re gonna crush the roses!” 

The two of you walked hand-in-hand back to his car, chatting the whole time about your time abroad. He smiles as you tell him how you’ve gotten fat from all the Wiener schnitzels you’ve been eating and how Austrian guys were cute but not nearly as cute as him. 

As you both got situated, you suddenly pulled a mug out from your backpack. 

Kuroo raised an eyebrow, “you carried around a mug this whole time?” 

“not just a mug, YOUR mug. It’s for you.” 

He looks down at the string of foreign words.

“der beste Freud der Welt”, you explained proudly, “the best boyfriend in the world”. 

Kuroo felt the blood rushing to his cheeks, even after all these years, he knew his heart would only beat for you. 

“thank you, did you get a corresponding one for yourself?” 

“no, because you have to get me one.” “of course baby and that's a promise”. 

Kuroo’s eyes widens at the forgotten promise, he never got you a “world’s best girlfriend mug”. 

He hops onto Google and quickly locates a bookstore in Tokyo that sells mugs like this.  Kuroo practically ran to the station. He wanted to get the mug and head over to yours as soon as possible. Your last words echoed in his brain, you would never actually leave him...right? 

He rang your doorbell nervously, when there was no answer, he resorted to desperate measures. He knew where you hid the spare key and opened the door himself. 

“Y/n?” He could hear your quiet sniffling and oddly, the sound of another’s voice.

Kuroo recognizes the voice. 

“Y/n!” He calls out louder this time as you came into view, wrapped under a blanket on the sofa. 

Kuroo completely ignores the man sitting next to you as he falls on his knees. 

“I'm so sorry babe. You were right. The clubs were bad for me and I wouldn’t listen to you. Please don’t give me, don’t give us up.” 

At his words, you started to cry louder. 

Kuroo felt more awake than ever, it was as if he was in a trance this past few months. The other women could never compare to you. 

“Please Y/N, I'm so so sorry. I don’t know what I was doing. Please believe me when I say they all meant nothing”, desperation laced in his voice. 

You finally looked up to meet his eyes. 

“I promise you I will never, ever hurt you again. Look, look at this”, he shoves his hand into the paper bag and pulls out the mug, “remember when you came back from Austria and I promise I'd get you the best girlfriend in the world mug?” 

You nodded slightly. 

“I'm sorry I’m so late on this promise. But I promise I'll keep all our promises from now on. No more tardiness.” 

You look down at the mug and smiled at the irony. Did Kuroo only realize you were the best girlfriend after being with all those other women? 

Kuroo saw the way your eyes softened and knew you might just give him another chance. 

“I’ll make it up to you. I’ll never go to the club again. I love you Y/N, I really really love you.” 

You looked down, eyes watering again, before looking up at him.

“no.” 

Kuroo’s mouth felt dry, “what?” 

You sat up taller, large tears running down your eyes, “I said no because I don’t know how we can ever recover from this. I look at you and all I can see are the images of you and the woman from this morning.” 

“babe, please don’t say that! We’ve gotten through high school and college together, we can get through anything. Please please please don’t say that. Don’t throw us away”. By this point, he was crying as well. 

“How can I throw us away?” 

Kuroo looks up at you. 

“When you’ve already done that a long time ago? I never gave up on us, Kuroo. You did the moment you brought another woman home.”

He couldn’t say anything. 

The man sitting next to you finally broke his silence. 

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” 

Kuroo allowed himself to be led out the door. 

“You really are a piece of trash Kuroo.” Akaashi Keiji said as he closes the door, leaving a shell-shocked Kuroo outside. 

♫ Who's gonna walk you Through the dark side of the morning?  It ain’t me ♫

Akaashi returns to the living room, sighing internally at the sight of his best friend. 

“He’s not worth your tears.” His heart full of rage as he imagines the way Kuroo’s body pressed up against another while you wait for him at home. 

“you wouldn’t understand Keij, you’ve been single since high school. Kuroo is my best friend, aside from you. I’ve never even imagined life without him...”

Keiji sighs as he pulls you into a hug, feeling your body vibrate with sobs. 

Akaashi was an attractive man. Women often approach him asking him for his number. Yet, Keiji turned them away each time with an apologetic smile, mumbling some excuse about “not really looking for a relationship” or “I'm too busy”. But deep down Akaashi knew the real reason he has been single all this time, and the reason is you. 

Taglist: @minnieminnie00-got7​

© ceci-chan 2021 all rights reserved. Please do not copy / repost my work on other platforms. 

[hangovercurse]

Come and Go

Part iii of the Without You series: Colson struggles to explain himself, only pushing Y/N further away.

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, angst, Colson being really bad at communicating

Word Count: 1500

| i | ii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

“Colson?”

You were shocked at first, then upset, and then you were angry. “You can’t just fucking break into my house.” You yelled at him, placing your laptop on the coffee table.

He held his hands up in surrender, “I knew you wouldn’t let me in if I knocked and I have a key so technically it’s not really breaking in.”

“Get out!” You yelled, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and you stand up.

“Okay, look. I know you’re upset-“

“Upset? Colson do you remember what you did? What you said to me? And now you show up at my goddamn house what, 2 weeks later? I’m not upset you fucking moron, I’m fucking pissed off right now.”

“I know I fucked up, okay? I’ve gotten enough of a lecture from the guys.” He said, looking more annoyed than apologetic.

You rolled your eyes, sitting back down. “Yeah you seem like you really feel bad Cols.” You said sarcastically.

“What do you mean? I am sorry, Y/N. Sorry I’m not down on one knee or some shit. What did you expect, really?”

You fought hard to keep tears from reaching your eyes. “I didn’t expect anything, honestly. But if you’re gonna come here and waste my time you could at least act sincere about it. You’re acting like this is a joke or some shit. I mean why are you really here?”

Colson walked backwards towards the door, “honestly I’m just here to get the boys off my back. Now I can tell them I tried to apologize and you turned me down and we don’t ever have to talk again, sound good?”

You thought that the next time you saw him you would be begging him to take you back, but now your blood was boiling. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Remember, you mean nothing to me. I don’t give a shit if you actually forgive me or not. In fact I’d rather you not, because then you’ll stay as far away from me as fuckin possible.” His voice was harsh, like he was cutting you with a poisoned blade.

You could only sit and let his words hit you, willing yourself not to break down until he left. You spoke quietly, because that was all you could bare to do. “Get out.”

And he did.

 Another week passed, and you seemed to have regressed back into the broken girl. You couldn’t seem to get his words out of your head.

And you felt stupid because you had other friends. You had great friends. But almost all of them were friends you made through Colson and you didn’t want to make them choose. So you chose for them.

Pete still texted you daily, but you’d resorted to giving him short answers or just not answering all together. You hadn’t told him about Colson coming over or what he said, he was already caught in the middle enough as it was.

The one person you told was Rook, only because he told you if you didn’t tell him about it then he would show up at your house and not leave until you told him. And you’d rather just type it all out than have to speak to another person. You just felt so emotionally drained, having an actual conversation with someone just seemed like too much effort.

But, despite telling you he would not come to your house because you told him, he ended up on your doorstep with a very angry Colson.

He rang the doorbell, scaring you slightly. Why was someone at your door at 11 pm?

Against your better judgement, you answered, finding the two boys on your porch.

You raised your eyebrow at Rook, waiting for him to explain himself. “Can we come in?” He asked and you rolled your eyes.

“You can come in. Not him.” You motioned to Colson without looking at him. You had yet to meet his eyes, but his were shooting holes through you.

“Y/N. We’re coming in. I’m tired of this shit. We’re not leaving until you two figure this out.” Rook was very obviously annoyed, and despite your body in the doorway, he moved into your house. Colson stayed at the door, still looking at you.

You turned away from him, letting him inside, “whatever.” You mumbled. Rook had made himself comfortable in your kitchen, grabbing a beer from your fridge and chips from your cupboard.

You walked into the living room, taking a seat on one of your couches awkwardly. Why the hell were you feeling awkward in your own house?

Colson sat on the other couch, his eyes still following you as you looked everywhere except him. Rook called from the other room, “I don’t hear you guys figuring your shit out!”

“Goddamn man what the fuck do you want us to say? This is fucking bullshit.” Colson called back, standing up from the couch and turning to the door.

Rook blocked his path, venom in his voice. “Sit down. You’re not fucking leaving.” His voice got quieter and you almost missed his next words. “Fucking fix this.”

Colson let out a sigh, “fine, but can you at least give us some space man?”

Rook studied Colson for a moment. “Fine. But if you hurt her again I’ll kill you, bro.” He opened the front door, giving you a small smile and a wink before closing it behind him.

Colson turned back towards you, studying you, trying to figure out where he stood with you. You were looking down at your hands, picking your nails to avoid looking at Colson’s blue eyes.

“You don’t have to do anything, Colson. I’ll just tell Rook you tried to apologize for real this time and I shut you down. I just want all this shit to be done with. I’m over it.”

You didn’t know it, but Colson’s heart sank further into his stomach. You sounded so defeated, so broken. It was exactly what he intended to do, and he knew it would hurt him too, but he wasn’t sure he could see you like this anymore.

He slowly made his way back towards you, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch you sat on. “I think it’s time I was honest with you,” he paused, “and with myself.”

“No offense Colson but I think I’ve had enough honesty from you to last a lifetime.” You muttered, still looking at your lap.

“Can you just hear me out? Please?” You didn’t answer, so he took his cue to continue. “I’m scared, Y/N. I’m fucking terrified.”

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “If you’re that scared of living without Megan then just go beg for her back.”

He took a deep breath, “That’s not what I’m scared of.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, turning your head towards him but still avoiding his eyes.

“I’m scared of.” He paused, trying to find the words, “I’m scared of falling in love.”

You let out a frustrated sigh. “Jesus Colson. That’s a shitty fucking-“

“Just let me finish, please.”

“Whatever.” You mumbled, realizing this conversation wasn’t going to actually fix anything.

Colson took another deep breath. “I’m scared of falling in love because every time I do, the person I love gets hurt. I’m not good for anyone. I- I fuck people up.”

You were still pretty confused but you put some dots together. “So, what, you were upset that you hurt Megan and you blamed it on me? Right. Cool. Great talk.” You rolled your eyes, waiting for him to get up and leave.

“Can you fucking listen to me, please?” He turned towards you. “I wasn’t in love with Megan, that was the whole problem.”

You finally found the courage to look at him. His blue eyes pierced yours as you studied his face. The sunken bags under his eyes, the unshaven stubble adorning his jaw, the unkempt hair.

“I’m in love with you. And I think I always have been.”

His words came out as a whisper. You felt tears surface and it took everything inside of you not to let them fall.

“You’re an asshole.” You stood up, walking towards the bedroom.

He followed you, “what do you mean?”

You turned back to face him, standing in your doorframe. “Yeah, Colson, this is all really funny to you, I’m sure. Is this your way of humiliating me even more? You make me feel like shit and then you try to convince me you love me? And then I fall for it and you-“

You were cut off as Colson’s lips met yours, his hands on either side of your face. At first you reacted, kissing him back before coming to your senses. You pushed him off of you and he stumbled back.

The tears in your eyes began to fall and you felt utterly ridiculous. “Fuck you. Get out of my house. Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.” You said, closing your bedroom door in his face.

[waitimcomingtoo]

The Cup

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Synopsis: a monogrammed mug might be the thing that exposes your relationship with Peter to the Avengers when there’s a strict “no dating” rule being enforced

Warnings: I’m sorry if your first, middle, or last name begins with a “p”. Also this gif is a total spoiler with no context for this story

Masterlist

There was a rule in the Avengers tower: Avengers were absolutely not allowed to date each other. It was a stupid but reasonable rule, considering Nat and Bruce’s relationship had caused fights, tears, and chaos until dating among Avengers was inevitably banned, exactly three years before you and Peter joined the team.

Peter had been an Avenger for eight months before you came along. In that time, he'd become good friends with the other Avengers, or at least that’s what he told Ned. Peter was regarded as more of a son among the Avengers, never really seen as an equal. Before you, Peter was teased daily for his intelligence and bad habit of spewing out scientific facts no body asked for. Whenever he started going off on the theory of momentum or how a star was formed, a collective groan could be heard from Earths mightiest heroes. He would laugh it off and stop telling his fact, but it stung a little more each time it happened. But keep in mind, that was before you. 

You took a breath and entered the elevator. You smoothed your shirt with your hands and folded your lips into your mouth. You were surprisingly nervous, expecting the other Avengers to look down on you for being younger. Just as the elevator doors were about to close, you heard a voice call out.

"Hold the door please." The voice said. They sounded frantic so you quickly stuck your hand in the door so it wouldn't close. To your surprise, a dark haired boy around your age got onto the elevator with you. He was slightly out of breath from running and his curls were going in every direction. You could feel your face heat up and smiled shyly at him. He smiled back.

"Thanks for holding the door." He said once the elevator started going up.

"No problem." You answered. You already had butterflies in your tummy from your new job, and the adorable guy riding in the elevator with you didn't help.

"How come I've never seen you before?" He asked. You were pleasantly surprised that he had kept the conversation going.

"Today's my first day. I'm the newest Avenger.” You explained and he nodded.

"Well it's nice to meet you, newest Avenger." The boy said, extending his hand for you to shake. You prayed your palms weren't sweaty and firmly shook his hand.

"Thanks. And it's Y/n.” You told him. He smiled upon hearing your name as he realized it’s was his new favorite name.

“I’m Peter.” Peter told you. “I’m really glad to see you joining the Avengers. You have no idea how desperately we need more girls on the team. Last week, Nat wasn’t here and Bucky and Sam got tied in a knot. No one could pull them apart until she got back.” Peter blew out a breath as he remembered the incident. “Plus, it’s nice to have someone my age.” He added shyly.

From then on, you loved Peter.

“I’m actually really glad to see you too. I thought all the Avengers were gonna be older than me.” You said with relief. “I’m glad I got to talk to you, Peter. It's nice to have a friend on my first day." You said as you walked out of the elevator together.

"Yeah. Friends." Peter smiled widely.

You did not stay friends long.

The day you joined the team, the Avengers were getting ready to go on a mission involving a creature who liked to hop between earths and cause chaos. You sat quietly in the corner of the quintet and watched everyone interact. You didn’t add anything to the conversation, but laughed and smiled where necessary. You felt pretty invisible but you were okay with that for the time being. It was your first day and you didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. You were perfectly content with staying silent until Peter started going on about a multiverse.

“I can’t believe there’s actually a multiverse. Ive always read about them, but I never imagined it being real. This means there’s a universe out there where I’m stronger than Captain America.” Peter said excitedly.

“Doubtful.” Steve cut in.

“I mean, can you guys believe this? This creature can just hop to different universes as it pleases.” Peter went on. “I thought that was just theoretical. I mean, that completely changes how we understand the initial singularity. We’re talking about an eternal inflation system. And how does that even work-“

“Peter, you’re doing it again.” Sam sighed.

“Sorry.” Peter shrunk down in his seat, a look of hurt appearing on his face when he noticed the annoyed look on the Avengers faces. You noticed the look too and frowned.

“He does this a lot. You’ll learn to tune it out.” Bucky said to you.

“It’s just really cool. We’re talking about an eternal inflation system. And how does that even work-“ Peter said sheepishly before Sam cut him off.

“Peter! I’m sorry, he’s-“ Sam began the explain.

“Wait.” You cut him off and looked at Peter. “Let him finish.”

“What?” Sam asked.

“What?” Peter asked in confusion, as no one had ever taken interest in him before.

“I want to hear the rest.” You said seriously. “What were you saying Peter?”

“I was just wondering how the multiverse worked with all the quantum realms. This has got to affect the space-time continuum in some way. That’s all.”

“That’s really cool, Peter. You’re really smart.” You said sincerely. You didn’t like the way his intelligence was treated as a nuisance with the other Avengers. You definitely isn’t like the sad look that crossed his face when they told him to stop. You just wanted to make him feel good.

“Thank you.” Peter said, in a little disbelief that you actually cared.

“No problem, Peter.” You smiled.

You ignored the shocked looks from the rest of the Avengers, or maybe you just didn’t see them. You and Peter looked at each other from across the jet and you winked at him.

You found Peter the next day sparing with a hologram. The hologram was much larger than Peter, but Peter was clearly winning the fight. You noticed Peters eyes darting around as he looked like he was figuring something out in his head. You didn’t want to interrupt, but you were too curious not to ask.

“What are you doing, Peter?” You asked him.

“I’m figuring out the momentum of his swings so I can match his force and overpower him even though he’s bigger than me. My mask usually does it but I’m practicing doing it myself incase my mask breaks during a battle.” Peter explained as he continued fighting.

“So you’re doing all that math in your head?” You asked in admiration.

“Yeah. It’s not that hard once you get the hang of it.” Peter shrugged, watching you carefully to see if you were actually interested or just teasing him. “But sometimes I forget to carry the one.”

“And all the Avengers just watch you do this and see it as normal? No one says “wow Peter, that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen” or anything?” You wondered.

“Uh, no. Not really.” Peter said.

“Well, Peter.” You laughed. “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”

From then on, Peter loved you.

Three weeks later, Peter kissed you in the training room when no one else was around. He tasted like Gatorade and mint and heaven.

Six months later, you were in love. You were spending every waking moment together, and by default, loving every waking moment together. There was never a time when he was more than 10 feet away, and that was how you liked it. From sparring to movie dates in Mr. Starks home theater to making burnt cookies for the rest of the Avengers, you were inseparable. The only problem was, you couldn't tell anyone that they were together.

The rule still stood and you worried if anyone found out, you’d be kicked off the team. This lead to secret hand holding under the table and quick kisses when no one was looking. It was an okay system, but it wasn’t great. Peter was dying to tell the other Avengers that he was dating you. All the men on the team had taken quite a liking to you. They were never disrespectful, but your beauty and abilities often came up when you weren’t around and the telling smiles that crossed their faces made Peter a little angry. He knew it wasn't their fault, but he couldn’t shake the jealousy. You were stunning and they had no idea you were taken. If the guys knew you were his girlfriend, they'd back off immediately. But, no one was allowed to know.

One hectic morning, your alarm didn't wake you up. You’d never actually set your alarm, because you’d fallen asleep in Peters bed while watching a movie together. You were still at his apartment at 7:13 when you had to be at the tower at 7:30 for a meeting. Peter was nowhere to be found, and you assumed he let you sleep because he thought your alarm was set. You rushed to get ready, grabbing whatever shirt you could find, which happened to be one of Peters button downs, and threw on some pants. Rushing into the kitchen, you found Peter with two cups of coffee already made and a small smile on his face. You sighed in relief that he was all ready to go and gave him a kiss, longer than you were accustomed too since no one was around. You grabbed your cup of coffee and headed out.

Once in the tower, you sat at the conference table and took a deep breath. You had gotten to the meeting on time, walking in a few minutes after each other so it wouldn't be suspicious. You took a big sip of your coffee when something caught your eye. Specifically, the giant red "P” on the front on the cup.

Luckily, Peter was sitting directly across from you. You snapped your fingers harshly to get his attention. Peter looked up at you and smiled, his smile quickly fading when he saw your angry expression.

"What's wrong?" He asked. You said nothing, instead, just held up your cup. Peter grimaced when he realized his mistake.

“Oops. Just trade cups with me. It's fine." He assured you. You quickly switched cups and you relaxed as the other Avengers walked in.

"Did you hear from Bruce? I think he said he was gonna be late.” Peter asked you to look like you were having a normal, platonic, conversation.

"I don’t think so. I’ll check if he texted- Oh God you freaking idiot." You deadpanned the last part as you stared at your cup.

"What? What's wrong now?" Peter asked, confused by your seemingly uncalled for insult. You again said nothing, but just held up your cup. This time, there was an even bigger, purple "P” on the front. Peter bit his lip.

"Oops." He repeated. “Nice shirt, by the way.” He smirked. You looked down and realized you were wearing his shirt in addition to drinking from his cup. Your day could not get any worse.

"Oops? Is that all you have to say?" You asked in a harsh whisper.

“Y/n, its fine. No ones gonna notice." Peter said calmly.

"You think they won't notice the giant purple "P” on my cup? My name is Y/n L/n. There's no "P” in that!" You exclaimed. You continuously checked to see if anyone was listening as you scolded Peter.

"You can say the “P” is for your middle name." Peter suggested as he took a sip of his coffee from your matching cups.

"My middle name is Y/m/n.” You whined, knowing his plan wouldn’t work.

"Really? That's so pretty." Peter said with delighted surprise.

"That's not the point, Peter.” You groaned. “The point is, if I'm caught drinking from a cup that has an initial other than my own, namely your initial, people are gonna get suspicious."

“Or, consider this. Close your eyes, manifest with me.” Peter said as he shut his eyes. “No one will care."

"I'm already wearing your shirt, which means I smell like your cologne. Now, I have a cup with your initial on it. Someone is gonna put two and two together." You panicked.

"Or, consider this, really manifest with me this time. I didn’t see you manifest before, no one will care." He said again with an innocent smile.

"Why couldn't you given me any other cup? And why do you own so many monogrammed cups?" You inquired.

"You're blowing this out of proportion. It's no big deal. No one will even notice." Peter repeated. You wondered how he was so calm when your jobs were at stake.

"Hey, Y/n. What's that “P” stand for on your cup?" Tony asked as soon as he entered the room. You shot Peter a look that made him shrink into his seat.

"Who cares? No one will notice! It’s just a cup! No need to get jazzed up about it.” You said sarcastically, catching the attention of the other Avengers.

"Oh, I'm the one who's jazzed? You're freaking out over a cup." Peter retorted, in full volume now.

"Speaking of the cup, why is there a “P” on it?" Sam asked, pointing the cup out so everyone could see it. You couldn’t help the loud groan that escaped your mouth.

"It stands for panda.” Peter blurted. “Y/n loves pandas.” You looked at Peter with a lethal glare.

"Why wouldn't you just buy a cup with a panda on it?” Bucky chimed in. You shrugged and looked at Peter.

"That's a great question, James. Peter, why don't you answer?" You said with a fake smile.

"Because Y/n likes to be unique." Peter explained meekly.

"Does the "P” on your cup also stand for panda?” Sam asked Peter. Peter looked down at his cup and sighed.

"It sure does". He said weakly.

"Interesting. I would've guessed the "P” stood for “Peter” or “Parker”, since you two are clearly dating. But I guess I was wrong." Sam shrugged casually as you and Peter froze.

"You know that we're dating?" You asked in shock.

"The whole team knows.” Steve cut in as if it were obvious. You looked around the room and everyone just shrugged as of to confirm Steve’s words.

"But what about the rule?" Peter asked, dumbfounded.

"That rule hasn't been effective for months. I stopped enforcing it last January.” Tony laughed as he took his seat at the head of the table.

"What? How come no one told us?" You asked.

"Because if you knew, there'd be non-stop PDA and none of us wanted that." Nat answered.

“So you let us think we were keeping it a secret for six months?” Peter demanded.

“Secret? Did you think none of us noticed that Peter became left handed six months ago so he could hold your hand with his right one under the table?” Tony pointed out.

“We all knew, we just didn’t care. We’re happy for you guys.” Steve smiled again you.

“Oh.” You said. “Thanks guys.”

“You’re welcome.” Tony answered. “Just keep the PDA to a minimum. I don’t want any spider babies around running here.”

Seven years later, you and Peter were married just a few miles from the Avengers tower.

After the ceremony, you sat in the kitchen while Peter finished bringing in the wedding gifts.

“I have one last gift for you, Mrs. Parker.” Peter came from behind you and kissed your cheek, setting a small gift box down on the table in front of you. You opened it up, finding a mug with a script “P” on the front. You laughed at the sight, remembering the incident in the conference room all those years ago.

“There. Now you do have a “P” initial. You can use this with no questions asked.” Peter said with pride.

“I love it.” You told him honestly. You smiled and made some coffee, just so you could use your new cup.

Tag List 🏷

@maybemona​ @foreverxholland​ @writing-for-hours-on-end​ @lavender-writer​ @captainmandeestudent17​ @whatareyouhidingpeter​ @takenbyheartstrings​ @ultrunning​ @imyourliquor-youremypoison​ @theolwebshooter​ @andreasworlsboring101​ @guksmyfav​ @waiting-to-be-myself​ @letsloveimagines​  @peterparkoure​ @a-villain-vying-for-attention​ @justcallmehitgirl​ @averyfosterthoughts​ @jackiehollanderr​ @tiny-friggin-human​ @celestial-skylines​ @loveat2am​ @mara-twins​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @delicately-important-trash​ @mjspxrker @spideygirl2003​ @the-crazy-fanfictionist​ @kii-mii​ @maryjanee23​ @spacebitch2​ @vgiselle​ @geeksareunique​

[clerichs-xi]

Getting real on main here bc I'm kinda tired of keeping everything in my head so I'm gonna ramble for a bit bc my blog my posts

Starting to realize more and more i don't know how to interact with people and im kinda starting to wonder if im neurodivergent or if im socially anxious

It's not just I don't know how to interact socially it's more like I don't know how to react in social so I end up mimicking what other ppl do in order to not get a negative reaction/keep up the convo in a natural way. I find I do it more online bc I have time to think about what I do+look back on messages and I end up being so paranoid about what I say or how my messages could get construed differently or how people could negatively react. Maybe it's more that I'm extremely prone to overthinking stuff but either way it makes me feel miserable sometimes, like I can't open up ever and most of the time I end up not opening up. I'm afraid of negative reactions and criticism bc I'm so prone to criticizing others myself. Also i grew up having most of my stuff (achievements, work, expressed thoughts) being reacted to with either neutral reactions or criticism on the basis of humility. Whoa that just got deep lol. Anyways after typing all of this out I feel like my issue mostly lies with my fears of being seen in a negative way or being disliked after saying something so I just end up. overthinking every single thing I want to say or not saying anything at all or both. It's wild how afraid I am of receiving any remotely negative feedback bc the moment I do I'll take to heart way too much and beat myself up over it!! Itll all I focus on and then I'll pick apart every single thing I ever did or said and make myself feel even more miserable!! I'm perfectly capable of discerning when something is my fault just. not when im talking to someone.

Tangent but since I'm here rambling already ill talk abt it and also kinda related. I never feel comfortable enough venting abt my life to close friends bc a) I'm seen as the functional one in the group; b) it seems everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and c) I'll feel like I'm complaining for no good reason mostly bc of a). I did have someone in my friend group say "what do u have to complain abt u have a functional family lol" once and that hurt. And that's why I never share anything anymore lol!!! Bc everyone I know says my life is perfect but a lot I wish I weren't me and I feel so trapped. It's gotten better bc I have been in situations b4 where I vented during really bad situations but I still don't rlly. And the fact that I only feel ok with venting in situations/with feelings that, in my mind, constituted as on par with other people's issues or of a certain level severity that was worth sharing and wouldn't face backlash for is. fucked up to say the least I think. Sometimes I think social media has played a role in fostering this idea bc of ppl constantly comparing and trying to 1-up others with their struggles. or ppl usinh catastrophic world events to go to other ppl saying "ur life will never be as bad as that so suck it up"

Uh anyways I think the neurodivergent part mostly bc i get uncomfortable when I'm not doing something and I can't really stand not doing smth. Ive seen some posts of neurodivergent people (esp posts abt adhd/ppl with adhd talking abt it) and kinda find myself relating to stimulation issues to a degree? I hate not doing anything productive eg drawing, writing. Sometimes I can't even stand just watching tv or reading bc sometimes I don't feel involved enough. If I'm interested in a piece of media I'll binge it for a couple of days and then the next day I'll feel nothing at all for it. Like idk maybe I'm thinking too hard and I don't actually know what I'm talking abt but at this rate I'd rather be wrong while try to explore this/put it into words then keep everything to myself just because I'm afraid of getting backlash or whatever from the 3 real people and 20 pornbots that follow me. Chances are this post wont receive any attention like literally anything else I've ever posted except it not getting attention will be what I want haha.

Tldr I'm just tired of trying to please people and bottling stuff up just bc I want ppl to like me and bc I don't want to burden others. I want to open up and have actual social interactions where I'm not overthinking everything I do. And I'm posting this to prove to myself that I'm going to change and get over it.

[findingmypeace]

3/21/2022

I thought I’d do a regular update since my last post was kind of cryptic. I didn’t mean it to be that way. I just didn’t have the energy to say anything else. 2 things:

1)I had ect on Friday. They have to put an iv in each time because they give general anesthesia. When they were putting the iv in this past Friday they accidentally hit a nerve which felt like it shot electricity through my left thumb and index finger. It felt fine right after and until today. But today, every time I straighten my arm I feel the electricity shoot through my fingers again. I had to get labs done today at treatment and I talked to the nurse about it. She said that it sometimes happens and it takes a few MONTHS to heal. I hope she meant to say weeks. It doesn’t hurt. It just feels weird. It’s the same tingly feeling you would have if your foot fell asleep. Still, I don’t want to be experiencing this for MONTHS! If it’s not gone by the next time I have ect I will talk to them about it.

2)This one is big. I have a tentative discharge/graduation date. My insurance review is tomorrow and they are going to ask for one more week so my last day would be a week from tomorrow (Tuesday). When my therapist told me this I was shocked. I was not expecting it to be that soon. I was thinking maybe the middle end of April. Not the end of March. (March 29th). I’m okay with it being March 29th-I just didn’t like that the news was delivered to me in such short notice. At first my therapist said my last day would be tomorrow! I protested that and that’s when she mentioned getting one more week approved.

While I am okay with my last day being March 29th I am also having a hard time with it. I knew the end was coming and I know that I will have to move back into the ‘real world’ at some point. I’m just so scared of things returning back to how they were before I went to treatment. When I look back I think I was just as depressed as before my suicide attempt. I just wasn’t going to act on those thoughts. The thing that scares me the most is that I will have be alone with my pain. That everyone will think I’m doing so well and leave me alone and then things will come crashing down and I will be all alone. I am so scared of the depression. I feel like the depression is even more painful than the eating disorder.

I know that I am creating a life where I won’t be alone. I will have a therapist and dietitian. I will have my psychiatrist who also does ect with me and is the medical director for the treatment center I am at. I will have the few friends I have gotten close to. I will have LS. I know I have to nurture those relationships if I want to have them in my life. I do believe I have knowledge I didn’t have before treatment and I can use that to not let things get so bad. Still, I am just so scared.

I keep saying the phrase, “I am safe.”. Being emotionally ‘safe’ is incredibly important to me. I just hope I can maintain the safety I found in treatment in the ‘real world’.

[reikunrei]

OKAY UUUH i need to put my thoughts about the final stroke p1 here right here right now fresh hot of the press i just finished watching this shit less than 30 seconds ago let’s gooooo

anyway just a precursor like. none of this is going to make sense bc ive only watched it once so i dont remember everything (barely remember anything from road to the world which i probably should’ve watched again before this bc they would like mention things and i’d just be there like ?????? wha??? but ANYWAY)

these are also going to be very disjointed and not following the order of scenes bc im hgdfjk my brain is going 1000000 mph

god like the first half of it is so fun and just like. really just diving back into the whole FEELING of the series. like everyone just being friends, having fun, talking about swimming, swimming together

i can’t tell you how happy i am that we got to see the entirety of haru, rin, AND ikuya’s races like. i’d gotten so used to like. just seeing haru’s or just seeing rin’s and then it just cutting to like the results of the other or w/e, so i love love love that we got some devoted time to all of them inn sydney

also going insane over the like. makoto seeing himself trying to reach haru and just not being able to at all no matter how hard he tries

and how haru in that vision is all sad and lonely like how haru is becoming based on the events of the end of the film

AND LIKE LIKE

LIKE HARU HAS PEOPLE who want to help him and be close to him and love and cherish him and want him to succeed

even after his filter went completely down and he said THAT to rin, rin walked off and was like “of course i still care” or w/e like... even HE can’t be all that mad at haru, at least not in any real long-term sense

i still feel like the video interview things at the beginning are gonna be what wakes haru up out of this stupor. i want that so bad. like why else would THOSE be the opening scene of the movie like come ON

i want haru to go back somewhere, like to the high school or SOMETHING, or maybe somebody forces him to watch them, and he sees how much people love and care about him by stumbling across those tapes

god the albert possession fucks me up tho. i thought it was gonna be mostly silly and like. kinda cringe. but man. it was fucked UP it HURTS. i think it mostly had to do w shimazaki’s performance, i always forget how much i love him as haru and he does a REALLY good job stretching haru’s character to really make him unhinged when he’s so normally quiet and borderline monotone. like haru isn’t a flat character by any means, but he’s not very expressive either, so to see shimazaki get to flex those muscles in this role is SUPER nice

the scene where haru almost fell down the stairs fucked me up too LMAO i was like oh shit he REALLY fucked himself up he is not himself at ALL

and to see that just keep happening

everyone in this show has abandonment issues god

i am going crazy oh my god okay

and just. to see him going even farther down that rabbit hole. feeling like everyone is going to leave him. like makoto left before he got to say whatever motivational quip he was going to say, and then rin drops it in his lap that both he AND ikuya are not goinng to be swimming free at the next tournament, and like........ man just realized how that reminds me of when makoto just dropped in his lap that he had decided to go to tokyo

even when makoto walked away to go back home it mirrored exactly that scene in s2 when haru leaves makoto standing there...... ugh my heart

ANYWAY

i am super fucked up and also pissed off at ryuji!!!! like. i dont think ive ever disliked him as much as other people do, like he’s just a grouchy old man and haru was listening to him, but also pushing back against him and keeping him somewhat in his lane

and it was really nice to see haru so adamantly be like “im not giving anything up” in this movie like. and how that sparked something in ryuji. but now at the end when haru was like “yeah im ready to give everything up” ........ i really hope ryuji also plays a part in getting haru to wake up? bc it’ll also be an interesting wake-up for ryuji himself?

he is such an asshole tho hsgdfjgk i do love how they put scenes back to back of haru x ryuji, rin x mikhail, and ikuya x natsuya, and even throw in there makoto x nao x sousuke! like, we got to see the swimmer/coach dynamic between all of them and got to see how NOT GOOD ryuji is in comparison to all of them lmao. like sure being analytical is good, but damn give the kid some room to breathe LMAO

and god. i do love albert. he’s such a weird scary motherfucker but god god god i’m so intrigued by this weird fucked up dynamic he has with his coach? or whoever he is? im not even really sure. but like. he’s living his dream through albert rather than letting albert be his own person. but then it’s interesting bc haru (and everyone else) sees albert as this big scary foreboding guy. which like, he is, but i think they all have a twisted view of him? like they see him as this powerhouse and NOTHING else

i think haru has seen albert interacting w other people in his entourage and like. seen some weird dynamics between them? but it’s all very behind-doors right now, so like. everyone sees him as a “villain” for lack of a better word, when albert really just wants to swim and like. be normal? like i don’t think his words of “i want to be stronger” are truly his

i really really really would love to see albert tie into haru’s awakening more. like, after haru gives up his relationships bc we all know at this point that that’s 100% for sure what he’s gonna do, i feel like. like maybe he will have a better performance, but it’s just so Not Him that he’s not even a worthy opponent? and then albert gets fucked up about it and is like “man what happened, this isn’t good at all, what did you do to yourself?”

like. right now haru is trying to be more like albert, but i think albert is trying to be more like haru

unless im like. totally misreading everything about his character, but im thinking of like. s3 and rttw, with him hanging out with haru, his “the water favors you” quote, him getting excited when he saw haru doing really well in his race while he was like. getting his drive from his friends and whatnot. like!!! i really feel like it could be a fun little switcharoo to do!!!

god. that’s my biggest thing rn, i love the dynamic between haru and albert and how there’s this friction within both of their characters as they try to become like one another

ugh god okay i need to stop bc. i have work tomorrow and need to go to bed ghsfdjk im sure i’ll have more thoughts and write more as i mull over the movie more, and maybe watch it again next weekend, but ugh. holy shit

holy. fucking. shit

i can’t wait for part 2

overall im super pleased with the movie. i was worried i really wouldn’t like it, but they did a very very good job and like. kept it really grounded to its roots and the original dynamics and bonds, while also having a TON of really good stuff with new dynamics (ie. rin and ikuya, makoto and sousuke, etc.)

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant