#ive got a couple of stories ill post in the actual morning once ive got a bit of sleep and have looked over them a little for her

[yungviry]

rant again

well im fucking upset. not intentionally, ive been having a conversation with my ex boyfriend for like the last week. and i always tell myself not to reply cause there's no fucking use. we've had the same conversation over and over again and neither of us seem to agree with the events that took place in our relationship, nor i guess who's at fault (cause someones's always to blame on how it ended)

essentially hes to blame for the whole relationship flopping but he doesnt see it that way. he sees my retaliation as an issue. because according to him im supposed to be the bigger person. im not the woman he was molding me to be and gets upset i go off script. i swear narcissist will never see themselves as the one at fault for anything. personally i can see i was a petty betty, but because i never got the sorry i wanted and i still wanted to be with him (but thats my own self esteem issues at work)

im saving a lot of the story for the eventual book i write so i only vent so much but also it wont really make a difference seeing as ill probably phrase things differently once i get to that point to im gunna actually be a little vulnerable-ish cause its all public knowledge really. but you get it im writing it down instead of just telling my coworkers lol.

basically. i met malik around august of 2019. at the time i was on tinder so i was casually fucking multiple people at this point ( at least 4 other guys besides him) i was doing porn videos with one of my casual partners (sup byrd) nothing serious, just recording ourselves while we hung out. it was cool. they had made some noise when we first started putting them out that march/april. his profile was in the top 2 on xvideos which i very much enjoyed. lowkey weird seeing yourself when youre looking for something to rub your frustrations out on lol. malik and i met in august, i had already had porn videos out in the internet. he was not my boyfriend immediately. he didnt ask me till like 3 weeks of dating. i told him about the sex tapes the first week i met him. i cant remember if it was that same first day i met him or if it was the morning or day after, some shit along those lines. but you get the jist i told him i had sex tapes out BEFORE he ever asked me out.

now that a little backstory has been set up, he sit there and tries to make me feel bad for the sex tapes, knowing i didnt post them, some other dude did. i have no control over them being on the internet, i had agreed and even out of respect for malik i asked byrd to take them down and he refused so it basically ended there. i cant force some dude to do some shit for me. much less to spare my boyfriend at the times feelings. and still now he continues to torment me with "he cant get pasted my sex tapes" YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ASK ME OUT. i told him i had them out when i was single and still wants to be upset abut shit i did when i was single. like most bitches, usually if you dont like something from someones past and you cant seem to get past it, i wouldnt even ask them out in the first place.

maybe a month into us going out i go thru his phone and BAM theres hella messages to other bitches where hes literally flirting to all of them, some of them even happen to be at times were hanging out together. I had shown him how to make flautas maybe a couple weeks into us habnging out and there in his ig messages he was telling some random bitch hed make her flautas. ANd essentially from there it all started.

from that moment i could never trust him. i remember we were laying on the couch at my house when i was going thru the phone and i kicked him out m,y house. i remember i was heartbroken cause i really liked him already. we had spent almost every single day together since meeting each other and this shit was just unbelievable to me. we probably broke up for like 3 days and i was just aruguing over text with him thew whole time. i remember i didnt really wanna end things, but i couldnt deal wit the cheating. cause literally the day he asked me to be his girlfriend the only thing i had warned him about was infidelity. i have always thought cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone. its selfish, its hurtful, its destructive. those 3 days i remember he spent begging for me back, telling me how hed never do it and listing off all the ways he was going to make it up to me. he would repeat to me that hes do anything to have me forgive him.

eventually we had the conversation of what it would take for me to go back. i said i would need him to do things in order to feel like i could trust him, and at the time he happily agreed to all the conditions. helll, hed even offer to let me slap him as hard as i could to take him back. and trust me i felt like slapping the shit out of him. and then there i go back. i gave him his slaps and all his conditions and he said hed follow them. and that lasted 4 months (but not really cause according to the dates on his phone he never stopped talking to bitches behind my back) but i didnt catch him till like February.

literally from that fist instant i really should have just left him forever but my dumbasss had no respect for myself so i thought because we had a good connections i could look past the bullshit. i ate up his lies too about him changing, but i should have left regardless of all that. my hard no was cheating, he cheated and still my ass gave him a chance. i shouldnt have to give chances and make list of things i need to regain my trust. i should have dipped. cause at the end of the day all his words were just that, words. he didnt change, if anything he only got meaner with me and stricter. he was mad i was a fun girl and i guess he wanted to catch up on bodies? im not sure what it was but he never stayed loyal to me the whole relationship and would constantly lie about it. and he wouldn't admit till i had proof that he was. and again try to sell me a dream on hoiow hed change and how he loves me. blah blah blah cause in the end he was lying and i just turned petty. i stopped believing him and constantly accused him of cheating.

and i guess thats what bothered him, so you see it was a toxic cycle that HE STARTED. CAUSE HE FUCKING CHEATED ON ME. but for some reason because i was mean to him AFTER HE CHEATED ON ME im the bitch in this whole situation and its my fault he stepped outside the relationship and constantly lied about it.

obviously i can get more into it cause it went on for years and my dumbass just believed he was gunna change, even though i literally accused him daily. but to my surprise (or not really) i was right the whole time. he wsa cheating, lying and happily taking my money. bum ass bitch.

but yea we have conversations now and still he doesnt seem to understand HE"S the reason we never worked out. cause what the fuck do i look like trying with a bitch that doesnt know how to keep his eyes on his own girl. he should of just just dumped me but too late. now i dont like him a nd personally bashing him online makes me feel better. i get to warn other girls that he hits girls and has herpes (cause he also doesnt like to tell bitches hes fucking [which i can confirm he fucked at least 3 girls while we were together and he knew he had herpes and didnt tell them] that his ass has HERPES)

uggggghhhhh i dont even really like getting into it cause its pointless. he did me dirty and hell never acknowledge its all his fault. literally everything i did was just the repercussion of his actions. and im tired of his punk ass trying blame me for any of the bad he caused/created.

[simpforherlove]

Oh dear

Not me trying my hand at writing again because I’ve fallen into a rabbit hole of reader/you/original character fanfiction. Curse you tunglr and the simping I saw for Alcina Dimistrescu a few months ago that somehow put me onto stories about Natasha Romanoff. I don’t even really like Marvel that much. Idk how I got here.

[rommahh]

I Carry Your Heart

Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 4k

{Ahhhh ok so this is my first work like ever. There will definitely be a second part because ive got more to say and it needs a second part. I hope whoever sees and reads this imagine enjoys it. I appreciate comments, likes, reblogs, ideas on what could go into the story, and any form of help and redirection as to how i should write things. Much love, R.}.

Part two

All Y/N wanted tonight was to hang out with her boyfriend, eat a mass amount of junk food, and watch a marvel movie or two. That was all she wanted and that was all she asked of her boyfriend. Instead of any of that happening, she found herself sitting on the nasty kitchen island of her boyfriend's frat at a party that she was trying to avoid going to.

This party was supposedly ‘the party of the year.’ The last rager before finals and then christmas break. Y/N had spent the whole week studying and finishing up end of semester projects hence the want for a chill night. When Harry came to her saying his frat was throwing a party tonight and that he just HAD to be here, Y/N didn't feel like she had a choice but to let him go. She came because she thought this would be the only time she would be able to have some time with Harry after a long week of barely seeing each other. With two vastly different majors, the couple wasnt able to find a lot of time in the middle of school work to make time for just the two of them. Obviously her hopes of quality time with her man were futile because here she was sitting by herself in the kitchen of the frat while Harry drank and got high with his friends in other parts of the house.

Of course she was disappointed. She felt a knot in her throat and a weight on her chest just sitting there in that kitchen. Her white claw was warm now- not that it was any cold when she opened it. She was starting to form a small headache from the too loud music and the ache in her heart was growing.

She stood from the countertop on the search for her boyfriend, hoping he wasn't too far gone from sober. Wiping the back of her jeans from anything that was left on the island, she began walking around the house. She doesn't remember the last time the two of them spent time together by themselves. Of course they occasionally ate dinner together in the dining hall but they were normally surrounded by friends. Y/N wanted to be alone with her boyfriend to talk and bask in his presence.

After pushing through groups of partying humans, she found Harry and at least ten other people sitting around playing some sort of drinking game.

“Y/N! Where have you been?” Luca, one of Harry's frat brothers yelled out to her from the circle. Luca was cool, he was one of the only tolerable boys in this frat aside from Harry. Hearing his girlfriend's name, Harry turned around from where he sat on the ground and reached out for his girlfriend to sit beside him. Much to Y/N’s dismay, Harry was wasted. His eyes were half mass and his words bumped and slurred together. “We are playing truth or dare, wanna play?” Luca asked.

“I don't wanna play but Ill sit and watch.” Sitting next to her boyfriend, she grabbed one of his hands holding it in her lap. She was annoyed at him but it did her no good to show it when he was this drunk.

This game of truth or dare was childish. Dares of licking people's shoes and taking multiple shots had been done and truths about money and relationships were being spilled among the group. It had finally become Harry’s turn to do something, making Y/N tense.

“Ok Harry, I dare you to…” One drunk frat boy started looking around the room trying to come up with something clever. His eyes landed on a pretty girl in the room, Yara, a stuck up girl who for sure got her way no matter what. “I dare you to kiss the hottest girl in the room- obviously not your girlfriend because that defeats the purpose.” The frat boy smirked knowing what his intentions were. Everyone in the group giggles and gasped shocked by the dare but ready to see what was going to go down. Y/N’s brows furrowed as she became angry with the stupid dare.

The ache in her chest seemed to tip over the edge when she felt her boyfriend in the room move to stand up. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt as a way of stopping him. Harry halted his movements to look down at his girlfriend. He giggled a little.

“You’re not actually going to do this right?” She asked Harry with wide eyes of shock. Harry laughed at her like she made a joke, making her heart hurt even more.”Harry I do not want you to do this just take the shot and lose the dare.” Her tone held warning.

“Don't be silly of course I'm going to. It's just a dare, nothing serious. Don't be so clingy.” He stood walking over to Yara and planted a wet kiss on her mouth. Yara gripped Harry’s shirt and kissed him harder. The kiss went on for a few more seconds, the room absolutely silent out of shock. Harry stepped back from Yara slightly sobering up from his actions. Yara smirked at Y/N, hand gliding down the front of Harry's shirt.

Y/N stood from the seat she was in and scoffed. Scoffed because she should've known Harry would do something like this. Scoffed because it hurt to see her boyfriend do something so careless without any regard for his girl's feelings. She pulled herself together, feeling her throat tighten once again. She was quick to leave the room and down the hall of the frat.

Harry's clumsy steps could be heard from behind her as he mumbled her name. Or at least he tried to. He was still so out of it, his words not making much sense. Y/N was crying now, the strength that she had slowly dissolving as she walked further away from her boyfriend.

“Y/N wait. P-please wait. I cant-” Harry stumbled over his legs behind her falling into the grass of the front yard. The girl couldn't help but turn around looking at her stupid boyfriend. She was choking on sobs now. She wasn't crying over a measly little kiss but over an extreme amount of burnout from school and exhaustion from simply existing. She was crying because her boyfriend ignored her boundaries, crushing and erasing the boundaries she had set in their relationship. Harry tried reaching for her once she had stopped walking. His hand clasped around her wrist, he laid his head down on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry even if he was too drunk to see why.

“Baby don't leave, Im-Im Sorry.” He hiccuped and burped due to the alcohol. Y/N felt her rage build. Shoving Harry off of her, she crossed her arms across her chest as a way to shield herself from Harry physically. He was hurt by her distance and the wall she put up around her.

“You're an idiot Harry. An idiot!” her sobs grew louder, some stray party goers watching in amusement- some even snapchatting it for shits and giggles. “I didnt want you to kiss her and you did. What provoked you to think that was ok? All I wanted was for us to hang out tonight and just be us and you did this!” She was yelling now. Her hurt is beyond her now. Anger and rage simmered throughout her body making her head dizzy and her fingers curl within themselves. She didnt like being angry. It wasn't an emotion she liked acting on, it felt impersonal.

“Baby I don't under-” Before Harry could finish his sentence he was barfing at his feet. Y/N stepped back disgusted with her boyfriend. She couldn't even feel remorseful because of how angry she was. Luca, the frat brother from earlier, caught up with Harry and his girl only to find Harry doubled over heaving. Luca wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders.

“I'm sorry Luca but I can't do this tonight. Can you please make sure he gets some water and goes to bed. I-I can't do it tonight, I wish I could but I can't.” Y/N didn't want to leave her boyfriend in this state but she didn't deserve this. She wasn't going to care for her drunk boyfriend when all she wanted to do was care for herself. Selfishly, she enjoyed seeing him this way because of the anger he caused her.

Luca shook his head in understandment. “Of course, I'm really sorry for tonight. He's going to seriously regret this in the morning, especially since it will be circulating all over snapchat in the morning.” Luca waved to Y/N then proceeded to pull Harry into the house. Harry called out for Y/N not wanting to be away from her but Luca pulled him harder.

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like the bottom of a dumpster. He wasn't shocked by that. He knew he got trashed last night, he had planned to. He, just like Y/N, spent all week studying and completing projects while also fulfilling certain responsibilities for his frat. He wanted one night to be a normal teen. So he drank and drank and drank and maybe even smoked some weed. As he tried to recall last night's events he came up with nothing. He didn't understand why Y/N wasn't here with him like she normally would after a party on the weekend. They were normally always together during the weekend. A bad feeling loomed over him. He could tell something wasn't right but decided to put his feelings to the side.

He saw a bottle of water beside his bed making him think she was probably here and left early. Chugging the water he started to go through his socials to see if anyone had posted about the party. He had multiple tagged pics and videos in his notifications from snapchat. Way more than he normally would.

The first video he saw was a video of him and Y/N standing in the front yard of the frat house. Turning the volume all the way up he could hear Y/N yelling, it shocked him. She doesn't normally raise her voice, especially not at him. The angle changed showing her face which was red with anger, eyes filled with unshed tears. He could hear her yelling about him kissing someone else. He felt his heart stop. He had kissed someone else? On the next snap was a picture of him keeled over vomiting on his shoes with the caption saying, ‘are yall seeing this shit?’ Harry was embarrassed but he was more concerned than anything.

His head was hurting but it didn't stop him from rolling out of bed, washing up, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He checked his phone hoping Y/N had messaged him but nothing was there. He walked into the kitchen only to see luca sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Hey Harry….” Luca said warily. Luca pushed the cereal around his bowl feeling the tension begin to rise in the room. He felt horrible about his friends.

“Luca...what's up?” Harry was confused by Lucas' wariness.

“So do you remember anything about last night?” Luca asked, setting his cereal down in the sink behind him. Harry started playing with the frayed edges of a bracelet Y/N made for him. It had little beads with her name on it. They made them together at an event on campus.

“I don't, I only saw the videos of Y/N screaming at me. I think I fucked up but I- I don't know what happened.” Harry's cheek flushed with even more embarrassment. Luca awkwardly chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

“You got dared to kiss the hottest girl in the room and um actually did it in front of Y/N...even though she didn't want you to. Which led you guys outside and yeah you know the rest...Im sorry dude, I wish I had stopped you.”

“Who- who did I kiss?” Harrys stomach lurched when he heard Yara’s name come out of Lucas' name. Y/N didn't like Yara and it was understandable. Yara has been pining after Harry since their first year of college. Harry couldn't breathe. He felt disgusted with himself. He could only imagine how Y/N was feeling.

Y/N woke up the same morning, eyes puffy and crusty from tears and head hurting. She probably cried herself into dehydration. She was lucky enough to have no roommate because she wouldn't have wanted someone else to see her breakdown. She still couldn't believe last night went down the way it went down. She couldn't tell if she was just being overdramatic or if her emotions were in the right place. She didn't want to be mad at Harry. He was everything to her, she had an odd connection to him. Meeting him during their freshman welcome week they quickly became best friends with a growing romantic connection in the mix. They started dating before Christmas break. They had grown close so fast that he even came home with her to meet her family for the first few days of break.  Even though they were in their junior year of college, Y/N could see them beyond college. She's imagined them getting married, travelling, sharing a home. She saw the whole future with him. She had her doubts though. He was immature just like every other boy in college. He was dumb with his actions and tended to only do things if they benefited him. He had a lot of growing to do as a person, so did she but she wanted to grow with him.

She heard a knock on her door hesitating to answer it because one, it could be Harry, and two, she looked like a wreck. Answering anyways, she was met with a very sorry looking Harry holding a small coffee and bagel from their cafe.

“Hi baby…” He sheepishly said holding out the items. She silently let him through the door not once looking him in the eye. He stepped into her room, setting her treats on her desk. He could see that her bed was messy meaning she recently woke up. Y/N never went about her day without making her bed. He turned back to her and finally their eyes met. He took in all of her facial features, from her puffy eyes, to her downturned lips that looked chapped, to her flushed cheeks that longed to be held for warmth. He hated to see her like this, the last time he saw her so upset was when her parents moved out of her childhood home. It took alot to make Y/N this upset. She was normally really headstrong and vigilant. She knew how to ease her way out of problematic situations and could talk her way through anything.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Y/N holding her hand up in front of his face. “Don't talk. I'm really hurt Harry, so if your plan was to come over here and apologize over bagels- think again.” She snapped, backing up to put space between the two of them. She sat down on her bed while Harry pulled the desk chair out and sat down. He much preferred to be on the bed with her holding her tight but he didn't want to overstep boundaries.

“Love, I don't know where to begin. I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was really drunk and obviously wasn't in the right headspace.” Harry reached out and touched the tips of her fingers with his. She wanted to move but it felt good to be touched by Harry.

“I told you that a measly little apology won't do Harry. I didn't want you to kiss Yara and you did anyway. You know how Yara feels about you and you just let it happen!” She pulled her hand away remembering the prior night's events. Harry felt himself getting angry too. He felt like he needed to defend himself- even though it would be a very bad idea.

“I think you're being over dramatic.” Wrong move Harry. “It wasn't like I was making out with her!”

“You're joking right?” She scoffed and scooted further up her bed to create more distance. “Harry it's the simple fact that you did something that made me uncomfortable that shouldn't have even happened. I see myself getting married to you and it makes me worry that right now in our relationship you can't respect my boundaries!” She yelled. Harry’s eyes widened as he laughed sarcastically.

“Married? What the fuck are you on about? I'm a junior in college. In what world would it make sense for me to be prepping a relationship for marriage? Once again I think you're being over dramatic.” Her eyes watered hearing Harry's statement.

“I- I guess I'm the only one in this relationship thinking about the future? I thought we were on the same page. I'm not planning our marriage now, obviously. I'm thinking about how elements of our relationship now could play out in the future when we do want to get married. You cheated on me last night. I went to a party you begged ME to go to only to be there for you. I wanted to be here cuddling with you, pigging out on fast food but I was at a party with you and got cheated on!” Her volume rises once again, making Harry shove his chair from underneath him when he stands up.

“You're doing too much right now. I'm not planning a future right now because I don't want this future! I want to be myself without thinking about how to appease my girlfriend. I invited you to the party so you could lighten the fuck up. I love you, I do, but I'm not thinking of marriage and futures. I'm thinking about my life right now and having fun.” Harry snapped right back at her. Her chin wobbled. Obviously her and Harry were on different pages. It hurt so much to hear him say that he didn't want a future with her. Harry didn't mean it though.

“Ok, well I guess that's my fault for assuming we were thinking along the same lines. Um, I don't want to hold you back from being yourself so with that being said, you are a free man Harry.” She pushed herself up from her bed walking to the door ready to escort Harry out.

“Huh? Love, what?” Harry was confused on how they got to this point. Just a few days ago they were in love, meeting in the library to share a lunch and exchanging sweet words determined by their love.

“Listen I have a day full of exams tomorrow so if you could just leave that would be best. You don't really want this so I'm letting you go, Harry.” She had tears rolling down her face, falling from her eyes down to her chin where they fell to the ground in droplets. Harry’s eyes welled up watching his love cry before him.

“I don't-”

“Harry, leave, please.” She opened the door making room for him to go through. He walked through the door turning to look at her. She turned her face away from him whispering a small goodbye before shutting the door. Harry was left in the silent hallway, so silent he could hear his thoughts and the tears hitting the tile floor beneath him. He thinks he stood there for at least thirty more minutes before accepting what had happened and walking away.

Leaving Y/N in her room sobbing like she had never done before. Her tears coated her face and she thought her head could explode right then and there. She didn't want to accept what had happened but she had priorities. She composed herself enough to start studying for her exams.

The week rolled by quickly, Monday meeting Friday in a flash. Exams were done and Christmas break was on the horizon. Students were piling off of campus in a hurry ready to get home to their loved ones. People were outside by cars loading up their winter necessaries and saying their goodbyes to their close friends.

Harry cried everyday this week. He wasn't normally a crier. He hated crying, he hated the feeling of crying and the headache that came from it. He cried because he realized how wrong he was. He missed Y/N. He missed finals week dinner together where they tried to get off campus at least once and be alone for a moment. He missed watching her relax while eating food that wasn't from their school's cafeteria. He would pay for their meal just so she could have one less thing to worry about. They would normally get frozen yogurt right after too, Y/N getting as many toppings as she wanted because Harry would be the one paying. He missed her tight after exam hugs. She would squeeze his shoulders tight, smiling into his neck, telling him how proud she was of him. She would bring him tea in the morning when they met for breakfast. Sometimes they would spend the night in one or the others room so they could have time together to destress and just talk.

Y/N wasn't doing any better. She normally went into exam week feeling confident. She studied too hard not to. But this week she felt like shit. Her heart hurt and she kept thinking about the fight. She feels like she overreacted but hearing Harry talk about their lack of a future hurt nonetheless. She really assumed that they did have a future that included marriage and a life together. She didn't understand where his sudden lack of commitment came from. She regretted dumping him but at the same time she wished he did more to get them back together but he was silent. He hasn't contacted her at all and avoided all of their spots on campus all together.

She stood by her car prepping for her six hours car ride back home. Packing away her clothes and some essentials in the trunk of her car, she heard light footsteps behind her. Closing her trunk she turned to see Harry standing with his hands in his pockets.  

“Hi.” He said. She looked at him, putting her own hands in her pockets. It was cold outside, the nippy air hinting at a possibility of snow.

“Hi Harry.” They shared a moment of silence together. Just staring at each other. It felt good to be near each other again. They felt like they could breathe again.

“I had to see you before you left. I know the break is only a month but I didn't want to leave without seeing you.” He replied quietly. She made him feel so shy. Her beauty always made him awestruck. Even in a hoodie with their college's logo and some large sweatpants and some fuzzy crocs, she was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

“I don't know what to say harry.”

“It's ok. I don't deserve anything from you after what I said. I just wanted to apologize and wish you a good break before you left. I also wanted to give you this.” He pulled a small box and envelope out of the front pocket of his backpack. “I know we agreed on no presents but I think thats a dumb rule and I love you too much to not get you something.” She smiled at his words, taking the gift from his hands.

“Thank you Harry, it means a lot to me. So what are your plans for a break?” She asked him, the tension that was in the air slowly dissipating.

“I couldn't get a flight home until next wednesday so i'll stay here on campus until then.” He shrugged.

“Oh ok. Well tell Anne I said hi. I have to go Harry but I'll see you after the break, ok?” She didn't want to leave him but she didn't want to drive through the dark.

“Ok, love. Drive safe. I lov- I mean have a good break.” Her chest tightened at his hesitation. She wants to hear him say the words but she knows he won't.

“Have a good break Harry.” She whispered. Before getting in her car she stood on her toes placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Rubbing her thumb across his cheek and turning away and into her car.

She drove away knowing that her heart was left in that parking lot in the hands of someone she loves way too much.

Harry stood in the parking lot watching his heart drive away for winter wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Part two

[steelycunt]

ridi ridi hiiii !!! how are youuu how was yr dayyy i started mine off by rereading yr otiofad ficc did you know every sentence in it is a masterpiece did you know every word is like worthy of an auditoriumesque applause now yk i wanted to ask you to talk about that particular bit tho (if you wouldn't mind ofc !!) where sirius slams the book shut on an insect bc it's sooo like it's sooo !! it reads like premonition and also like r can't help but be wary of s and s can't help but be just like capable of harm regardless of intention & carelessly and i think it's sooo genius I think yr soooo genius for that and if you have more to say abt what that bit meant to youu + process of writing it + foreshadowing you wanted to get across w it etc. etc. i would be vv interested to hear <333 mwah love you loads xx

hello my lovely omg!!! my day was GOOD actually surprisingly good i am recovering from my illnesses and i played badminton and ate tangerines it was a very content day!! how was yours!! also warning you now in advance i wrote way too long a reply to this. like WAY too long NOBODY needed this im so sorry!! the very final paragraph provides like a little tl;dr you DO NOT need to read the essay that is under the cut!! im so sorry!!

okay firstly the idea that someone would not only read one of my little stories but read it more than once?? crazy actually!! insane!! so glad that it could be a part of ur morning n i would love to talk abt it!! hang on opening it in a new tab rn let me remember what it was i actually wrote huh lol

firstly with the flashback scenes in otiofad in general they had to serve two different purposes. they obviously needed to show the intense love and intimacy between the boys prior to The Incident, in order to juxtapose the post-prank scenes and serve as a marker for measuring the size of the rift in their relationship that its caused (which is why theres lots of kissing and cuddling and cloying monologues in the flashback scenes), but at the same time they had to demonstrate the little parts of their relationship which are a little bit fucked! a little bit unhealthy and obsessive. and they had to portray sirius as a person who has the capacity to do what he ends up doing. i didnt want to accidentally work against myself by over-idealizing their relationship to the point where it became difficult to believe sirius could be so thoughtless as to do what he does. like if ive just made you read fifteen hundred words of him being the Best Boyfriend Ever and then switch to him begging forgiveness for an attempted murder, his character becomes a little disjointed, and i really wanted it to feel like you're consistently reading the same people, just in very different circumstances. so the flashbacks very much needed to stress their intensity rather than their health as a couple.

im definitely roaming beyond the parameters of your question (but i promise it all circles back xx) but some of the sort of. i dont want to say red flag as much as cause for concern moments that i tried to include especially in the flashbacks include for instance: [Sirius says that sort of thing often, and with a confidence that Remus cannot ever fathom. Good god, how he would like to ask Sirius, them or me, that or me, and never fear the answer.] in the first scene, because i think remus' low self-esteem and his insecurity definitely affects their relationship + how he perceives it, which isn't anyone's fault as much as it is just them being young and imperfect like. theyre like sixteen here nobody had it together when they were sixteen right :-/ you have sirius utterly utterly obsessed with being in love with remus declaring that he doesnt want anything else from life and he's. sixteen years old. he's got no idea. like its that sort of rashness and impulsivity when he's speaking and acting which ends up fucking him over :-/

TO GET BACK to the bit you actually asked about (im so sorry for how long this is <3) the part where he closes the book on the spider. i mean honestly ur interpretation in the ask is pretty spot on!! its another one of the little stitches in the flashback scenes that sort of...slightly changes/sobers/brings the tone back down the reality a little, after theyve spent most of the scene cuddling and kissing etc. i'd already sort of tried (and i want to emphasise try at every point in this answer sfdghsh because i am not necessarily claiming that any of this was necessarily successful lol) to show sirius' capacity for being rash and obsessive, and the spider moment was just this tiny act of unnecessary, arguably cruel? violence that was meant to be jarring against the very over-sweet and gentle affection he's just shown remus. and although theyre acts of violence on such different scales, he gives just as much thought to sending snape to the willow as he does to squashing the spider. one of the things about sirius that i love soooo much is his relationship with violence and the way his anger translates into violence and cruelty (which remus mentions in the final scene when he says “You’ve got to stop being the kind of person who hurts people when they’re angry.”). its why hes SO fun to write angry because his anger is so distinctive lol. so the spider moment is just meant to serve as a little reminder of this random, mindless aggression that sirius carries around with him and that exists in tandem with all the affection we've seen him show remus, who starts in surprise when sirius slams the book shut. (i'll let u in on a super little fun (or not) fact that in my head when i was writing it i always drew a little parallel between the twitching insect leg thats left on the page and the similarly uncomfortable sensation of the eyelash that remus feels scratching his own eye immediately afterwards. thats not necessarily meant to come across n i expect it doesnt because i didnt develope the idea...at all...but in my head they were always a little linked teehee like even sirius' smallest acts of violence still have an effect on remus somehow xx)

but yeah!! apologies i didnt think this would be such a long explanation for a simple question fbhsdfhs im very embarrassed by this but like!! in short the spider was another little jarring moment designed to tether the version of sirius you get in the flashback to the version you get in the post-prank scenes, because ultimately he's the same guy with the same flaws both before and after the prank!! there was no reason for him to kill the spider like that and thats why hes so fucked. it was just his instinctive response to seeing it there.

[v-hope]

i am. in literal. shambles.

just a heads up, many typos comin thru.

n e ways. i LOVE u omg im not kidding. pls marry me.

HOW DID U EVEN COME UP W THE IDEA OF BELONG?!?!? LIKE- sis udek how attached i am to this fic!!

as ive said many times before i relate w yn sO SO MUCH... so reading belong gives me so much hope that one day ill have everyth figured out in my life too.. dk how.. but i will.. just like belong!yn

and this fic is so so wholesome... a guy who hated yn's entire existence ended up falling so so hard that he ends up having a family w her i mean????? i dont have words to express how much i love this

its the first series i got into, the first smau i ever read bc for THE LOVE OF GOD i couldnt find a good smau before this?!?! and as ive said this multiple times, i love how positive yo blog is, i love how u share lil things w us :D and how are aLL yo fics just super great maAM😭💕💕i love reading anyth signed by v-hope😌

but anyways. epilogue. 2.0. i still remember how i had a dream once of belong couple having a baby and i told u and i was like i needit so i mean.. i cred myself for this baby part kudos✌

and CAN I JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE HOW CUTE HYESEONGIE'S NAME IS??! how do u find such classy korean names bc i cant ever (even lee sungjin is like whew a classy man comin thru) but yea i. loved the name. kim hyeseongie. wow.

okay and from what i get yoon and miyoung are living together and my heart went💖💗💕💞💓💜❤💝🧡 bc 🥺🥺🥺🥺 [i think bc he said "she's actually crying" like he wouldnt know otherwise??]

and eXCUSE ME JEONGGUK WANTS TO MEET HIS ARIEL'S CHILD LIKE HOSEOK PLIS LET HIM GO🥺🥺 ITS HIS CAFE AFTER ALL🥺🥺

but wait in one update yn said that jk is her fav boy but that changed to tae after that and now hyeseongie.. so he's no. 3 now??🥺🥺

and the pics u used just gave me a bigger baby fever like duDE I HAVE A CARRER TO MAKE STOBBIT.. esp the one where hyeseongie is sleeping w a bear... HE LOOKS SO CUDDLY ALEX

and when seokjin said "as his godmother everyone would expect you to" bITCH IM THREWW😂😂

tae teaching hyeseongie art---😃🔫🔫🔫 [dont ask me to not bc HOW CAN I NOT?!?!] and im w namjoon on that. it really is sO DADDY🥵 "come collect yo thot" yea good think is i am your thot kim tae😏

yn. van. gogh. could. never. yn how could u even think the other way round- ion geddit??

but yes. with that. its officially over. not met crying, nope. literal months of screaming and refreshing yo archive around the time u usually post whenever id be up and crying and going like :O after the angsts... ill miss this era :(( but also, its has been an abso pleasure to be on this journey w you so thank you miss alex to take out time and give us this fic from your "somehow sweetheart brain" bc wow ive never felt so attached to a fic. im :D rn.

i promise to stick around and read anyth that u post bc u are fuCKING AMAZING😍😍

woah this became too soft nsbjwjfb okay imma sign off before i kiss u thru the screen mskwbkjf

loads of love and well wishes to you. sorry this got super weird and long🤧 and all the best for yo finals💕💕

ily uwu🥰 (🧚‍♀️)

i think i am the one in shambles bc of this ask oh my god 😭😭😭😭💕

idek how i came up with it, i just remember staying over at my best friend’s one night and then the next morning on my way back home my mind just went !!!!!!!!!!! although the story was quite different at the beginning lol.

aw, i’m glad you can relate to her and i reallyyyyy hope you get to figure your life out as well. no rush tho<3

for real tho, if you told taehyung at the beginning of the story that he’d end up married to y/n he would’ve 🤢🤮 but look at him now. in love as fuck, married and with a babie 😭

i didn’t know this was the first smau series you got involved into and i am so honored wtf 🥺 ahhhh, thank you so much for appreciating my writing, it means so much to me 😭💕

omg yess, i remember your dream! back then i already knew i would give them a baby in the end so i was like 👀 don’t spoil aNYTHING ALEX

you have no idea how happy you appreciating the name hyeseong made me ksñslsñs. i looked through so many names and i wanted one that sounded kinda elegant (?) but with a cute meaning and one of the meanings for hyeseong was ‘blessing’ and i was like yup. this is it. bc that’s what he is to y/n and tae 🥺

miyoung and yoongi have not moved in together yet but they are very serious and stay over at each other’s pretty much all the time so. they kinda live together anyway lmao

don’t worry about gukie, he met baby bear later that same day and was there to support his pretty mermaid like the ride or die he is 😌 and lmao i mean tae and hyeseong are y/n’s entire world like she said so 😬 (but shh, don’t tell jk)

ksñsksñsks sorry about the baby fever, if it makes you feel any better i gave myself some baby fever while looking for pictures to use 😹

tae is so excited over having a lil one to teach art to 😭 and babie already loves watching him paint so that can only make him happier. and wbk joon won’t let him live with all the daddy jokes he’d been saving for this exact moment in life 🥵

van gogh could truly never, no one could ever compare with tae’s family 😔

ahhhh, honestly i don’t even know what to answer to the last part bc i’m just so emo over it 😭😭😭 i’ve said it a million times but thank you SOSOSOSOSO MUCH for sticking around and always sending me this kind of long detailed asks because they make me the happiest istg 😭

so yeah, thank you so much :( honestly :( 💕

[snickerl]

Observations of a Labor Nurse

an x-files post-season 11 baby fic

tagging @today-in-fic

I've been a labor nurse for more than 30 years. I don’t know how many babies I've helped into this world, but I've seen my share of miracles and, fortunately to a lesser degree, tragedies in the delivery room. What I've been a witness to today is unparalleled though. I'm sitting in the locker room, already changed into my regular clothes after a long double shift, but I'm not ready to leave yet. My working day has been remarkable and it's running in front of my mind's eye once again on its own accord.

This early morning, at 4 a.m., a couple came in. She was obviously in labor, he obviously very nervous. So far, so familiar. The woman, a small redhead, let out a painful groan urging the man to utter the more than superfluous remark, "my wife is having a baby." This also was very familiar. It happens all the time that men turn into complete messes as soon as their wives have the first contraction. In this case, though, I sensed something other than the mere nervousness about the imminent delivery of a baby. I would find out later some of what this couple had been through until they made it to this point of their lives.

I ushered them into one of the examination rooms, made the woman prop her lower arms on the wall and relax her back. I pushed one of the trigger points in her lower back and she sighed in relief. Once the contraction was over, she turned around and smiled at me. "Jesus, that was a strong one. Thank you, that was very helpful," she uttered breathlessly.

"My name is Rose," I told her, "I am the labor nurse on call and will guide you through this. Together we will deliver your baby safely."

"My name is Dana Scully and this is Fox Mulder," she introduced themselves. And then I noticed it. Her age. She was past the usual age range I see in the delivery room. Not that I hadn't had mothers past 50, quite a few actually. It happens time and again that women believe once they hit perimenopause they don't have to care for birth control anymore and then they are utterly surprised, shocked mostly, when they find out they are pregnant at an age they rather think of having grandchildren than another baby of their own.

She handed me her maternity log and there it was recorded: she was 54. She looked younger, I would've put her in her early fifties, maybe even late forties. Her good physical condition helped her later on when it got really tough. An amniocentesis had been done at week 20, a common procedure for high-risk pregnancies such as hers. It hadn't shown any abnormalities. The frequent ultrasound scans were also recorded NAD. Her blood pressure had been a bit high during the last trimester, the iron content in her blood a bit low, but other than that, it had been a complication-free pregnancy.

"You're a medical doctor?" I asked when I saw what was written down as her profession.

"Pathologist," she winced as another contraction hit her. Her husband, who had been standing silently in the corner holding on to a duffel bag, dropped it unceremoniously and was at her side in the blink of an eye.

"Already another one, Scully?" he asked, trying but failing to keep his concern for her at bay.

"I'm fine, Mulder," she hissed between two deep inhales to breathe the pain away.

They called each other by their last names, one more interesting feature to add to the list. I should learn some more during the following hours, many more hours. I would work way past my scheduled shift because I didn't have the heart to leave them to another labor nurse in the middle of a delivery which had become prolonged and difficult at a certain point.

After a gynecologist had taken a look at her, she was still in the first dilation phase, the cervix dilated to three centimeters, I got them settled into our nicest room. After a series of strong contractions in quick succession labor slowed down significantly. At some point, I offered an ecbolic IV or an epidural which also sometimes helps initiate dilation, but she refused resolutely. "I want it as natural as possible. No medical intervention, only if it's for the baby. My body has been manipulated enough, I don’t want to be injected with anything I don't really need," she supplied.

"This might take a long time, Dana. You might be running on empty at some point if we don't accelerate labor a bit."

I had her age in mind and expected her to deteriorate quite quickly, but she would prove me wrong. She was an impressively hardy woman. She showed a high tolerance for pain and breathed herself through one contraction after another. Her husband with the peculiar first name, Fox, who didn't know what to do with himself when they first came in and was of no use, came to be a great help to her once he had settled himself behind her. He coached her through her breathing technique, they had obviously been to Lamaze class together, he uplifted her mood when she was about to lose her strength and determination, he massaged her back and dabbed her sweaty forehead with a cooling cloth.

They were a perfect team. I'd never seen anything like it before. I was used to women yelling at their husbands to leave them alone, to husbands not knowing what to do to help their wives, a pair so much in sync mesmerized me. Fox seemed to know exactly what Dana needed at each and every point in time. He either cheered her on or calmed her, he told her she was strong or to lean on him. He knew when to keep quiet or when to distract her with one of his weird stories. He even engaged her in banter at one point. I expected her to go wild, women in labor are usually not really susceptible to joking, but she just threw a witty remark back at him and a funny chit-chat arose between them which was quite entertaining, to be honest. I even had to suppress a laugh when she returned one of his quips with telling him her older brother had ample resources as a Navy officer to make him pay for knocking up his baby sister.

Dana was in such good hands, she didn't need me around all the time. So I left them alone but checked on them regularly. I had a look at the fetal monitor, listened to the baby's heartbeat, evaluated the progress of labor and Dana's physical condition. Everything was going well, albeit slowly. But slow didn't necessarily mean bad, so if she didn't want any medical relief, she wouldn't have to accept any. Then labor slowed down even more to a point where Dana didn't have any contractions for extended periods of time. When I popped my head into the room once again to offer oxytocics, exhaustion had taken its toll on her and she had fallen asleep with her back leaned against Fox's chest. He was gently stroking her damp hair with one hand, the other rested on her protruding belly, his fingers splayed out as if he wanted to protect the baby inside. For a man in his late-fifties, he was also very persistent. He had been slouched behind her for many hours now, his back must've ached terribly, his legs had to be asleep. I told him to take a break himself, to have a coffee at the cafeteria maybe, I would call for him as soon as she woke up, but he rejected out of hand.

"I'm not leaving her alone, Rose," he told me, "not for a second. I missed the delivery of our first child, you have to know. I owe her."

That was how I learned that they had a son named William who had just turned 18. I instantly knew something was wrong. The way Fox spoke about him, the way he pulled sleeping Dana a little closer let me surmise the boy wasn't waiting for them to bring home a new baby brother or sister. As much as I had become curious, I also noticed this man badly needed some caffeine, so I left it at that until I came back with two mugs of hot, strong, black coffee from the machine in the nurses' lounge. When I handed him his, I asked, "where is your son now?"

"We lost him. We lost him before he turned one," he answered flatly and confirmed my foreboding assumptions. He told me how they believed they couldn't have children, that Dana had been told she was barren. Her pregnancy had been a miracle, especially after an unsuccessful attempt at IVF. He didn't elaborate on what they lost him to; an illness, an accident, or if anything, a crime. It doesn’t matter anyway. Losing a child is the most brutal thing parents can experience in their lives. I happen to know first-hand.

"I'm sorry for your loss," I said to him. "I know what it feels like to lose a son. Mine was killed in a car accident. He had just gotten his license and was too fast on a slippery road. It happened 8 years ago and I still miss him every single day."

Fox looked at me, his eyes compassionate, and nodded. He understood, knew exactly what I meant. I sensed their story was different, that there was more to it than the mere loss. Why had he missed his son's birth? Why wouldn't he let go of Dana if only for ten minutes to grab himself something to drink? Why wouldn't Dana grant herself the relief medical technology offered her? He didn't want to talk about it and I didn't pry any further, it wasn't my business anyway. "Have you tried for another baby since then?" I asked instead.

"Well, we never really talked about having another one. The hole William left behind was so big, the wound so painful. Plus we had a lot of other things to deal with."

Fox spoke of how after years of being on the move they had finally settled down in hopes that the steadier lifestyle would make it easier to cope with the loss of their son, but that exactly the opposite had happened. That they had even been separated temporarily but had remained friends and work colleagues. The man was emotionally so on edge, I doubted he realized he was saying all of this aloud, but as the physician-patient-privilege also applies to labor nurses, I let him talk because I thought it was doing him good. So I also learned that they had only gotten back to an intimate relationship shortly before she had conceived the baby we were now waiting to come into this world.

"We never thought we would be granted a second miracle. An even bigger one. I mean at our age. Honestly, who thinks of propagation while making love in their fifties...mid to late fifties? I suppose we will be the oldest parents at the playground. People will mistake us for the kid's grandparents, for sure." He chuckled slightly and broke the spell of sadness with it. Fortunately so, I must say, as we were expecting something wonderful to happen which was the arrival of another one of God's creatures.

As if on cue, Dana stirred and instantly moaned. Labor had started anew and this time it proceeded fast. When I examined her after maybe five or six more contractions, the cervix was already dilated to eight centimeters. The transition phase had started. I expected another hour at longest before the baby would be born. Poor Dana was in constant pain as her body worked hard toward full dilation. The moment one contraction was fading, the next already started. I feared the baby could be in distress at some point because of the ongoing intense labor, so I cautiously mentioned the possibility of an emergency c-section.

I had anticipated some kind of resistance thinking back to Dana's brusque rejection of medical intervention earlier, but I most certainly had not expected the almost hysteric one I got. "No! Please, no!" she cried out, "I need to know the baby is mine. I can't be under full anesthesia when it's born, I simply can't! Please, Mulder, don't let them narcotize me!" Fox flinched when she grabbed his bicep and dug her nails into his flesh. "Scully, if the baby's life is in jeopardy, or yours, they might have to do it. I promise you I won't take my eyes off of you or the baby. I'll make sure the baby is ours. Trust me," he tried to reason.

I didn't understand what they both were so afraid of. Did they really believe babies were mixed-up in our hospital? I found myself forced to calm everyone. "I just wanted to point out that it's remotely possible we have to consider a c-section. We try our best for a natural childbirth but like your husband said, Dana, if your or your baby's lives are in danger, we have to act quickly. We won't risk losing either of you. Right now, everything looks fine, so just relax, okay? Nothing will happen to your baby."

Dana's answer was a guttural moan as another contraction hit her full force. I was relieved when my next examination showed a fully dilated cervix. The c-section wasn't up for debate anymore, Dana was ready to give birth. I called for a practitioner as she was already experiencing expulsing pains and had to work hard to resist the urge to push.

It didn't go quite as smooth as I had hoped. The baby's head wasn’t perfectly positioned in the birth canal, so whenever the urge to bear down faded and Dana stopped pushing, the head slid back again. But there was only so much power the poor woman had left after almost 18 hours of labor. The practitioner looked at me and mouthed 'episiotomy' but I shook my head. I pictured how Dana would jump off the bed at the view of someone approaching her with a scalpel even if it was with the best intention of helping the baby and her by widening the vaginal opening. The practitioner, fortunately, relied on my evaluation of the situation and tried a different technique. He positioned his flat hands on her belly where the baby's bum pressed against the uterus wall from the inside and pushed downward along with the next contraction to give the baby the decisive impetus on its way out. It didn't work on the first try although Dana was pushing so hard a bursting vein in her nose left her with blood splattered all over her chest. It wasn't a big deal, it happens all the time when mother's push too hard, but Fox got terrified and yelped in shock.

"Jesus, your nose, Scully! It's bleeding!" His voice was trembling and his hands shaking when he wiped the blood off her upper lip. I didn’t know where Dana took the presence of mind from, maybe it was her doctor's persona talking, but it was her instead of one of us who explained the completely harmless pathological phenomenon to him. "It's okay, Mulder, it's not what you think it is. The pressure went into my head instead of my womb, that's why some blood vessels burst in my nose. It's a harmless nosebleed, nothing elsssssssooooohh, there's another one."

Still wondering what her words exactly meant, I helped her lift her upper body off the bed and cheered her on to put all the strength she had left into bearing down, and this time the pressure went to the right place. The baby's head emerged and with the next final push, the body followed. The baby was out in the world. Dana sank back into the pillow, completely exhausted. Fox was cemented to his spot behind her and only stared at the bloody, smeary bundle between her legs. Like so many other fathers he was thunderstruck and speechless.

It was a girl. She seemed fine at first glance, cried the second I lifted her up. Usually, I clean the babies before I give them to the mothers. Just a little, to take away most of the blood and the goo, to make them look more comely, but with Dana, I departed from my usual MO. I had learned she was frantic about her baby's identity, so I wanted to give her the security she so desperately needed and placed her daughter on her chest right away.

"It's a girl, Dana. A beautiful girl. Well done," I said.

"Is she alright? Is she healthy?"

"The pediatrician will have a look at her later, but she seems pretty fine to me. Ten fingers, ten toes, and a strong chest." Of course, the baby stopped crying the moment she was placed on Dana's chest, as the familiar sound of her mother's heartbeat calmed her. The cute little thing even opened her eyes and blinked at her.

"Oh my god," Dana breathed, totally in awe. "Hello, little one," she welcomed her newborn daughter and gently cupped the tiny head with her hand. Fox observed the scene, still petrified and obviously unable to utter a single word. It came into my mind that he hadn't been there when their first child was born, so this was all new to him.

"Fox," I tried to pull him out of his trance, "would you like to cut the cord?"

"Uh, what?"

"The umbilical cord? There are no nerves, so cutting it is not painful. Would you like to do it? Your daughter doesn't need it anymore now that she's breathing on her own."

"My daughter. Right. The cord needs to be cut. Sure. I can do that."

What an adorable bundle of nerves he was. This hunky man so humble all of a sudden at the sight of the miracle of birth. His hand was trembling when I handed him the scissors. He hesitated, looked at Dana as if waiting for her confirmation that he could proceed. She eased his mind with the same amount of intuitive sensitivity as he had shown while she was in labor.

"The umbilical cord is made of something called Wharton's jelly, Mulder, not ordinary skin. There are no functional pain receptors present in it, so just go ahead and cut it, we won't feel any pain." She might be a pathologist, but she knew a hell of a lot of the anatomy of the living. This woman amazed me.

This couple amazed me.

This whole experience today was one of a kind. I'd seen a lot of beautiful moments in my delivery room, emotional, heart-wrenching moments full of happy tears and joyful sobs, but the way Dana and Fox gazed at their daughter and at each other, their faces so full of incredulity and disbelief, hit me to the core. There wasn't the usual crying and sobbing because of the hormone-overload released after hours of tension. It was ghost-like silent, everyone seemed to hold their breath, including myself. It seemed to be a huge moment for them like it is for every couple, but for them, it seemed to be so much more than just the arrival of a baby in their lives.

I started filling out the maternity log and the forms necessary for the authorities to create the birth certificate, and I usually mind my own business doing this, but in this case, I couldn't keep myself from listening to their conversation.

"This is really happening, Mulder, isn't it? We're not stuck in a joined hallucination like when we were on that case with the underground fungus?" Dana asked Fox in a hushed voice.

"No, Scully, far and wide no fungus. This is really happening. You...made it happen, only you. You carried this perfect little being in your womb for nine months, you nurtured and protected her, you brought her into this world in an unbelievable feat. I'm in total awe. You were amazing. I can't believe what childbirth demanded from you, what you went through to deliver her safely. You're my hero, Scully."

"Well, Mulder, it's not like you haven't played a part in this."

"Me? I only had a few minutes of fun, but you went through a high-risk pregnancy and so many hours of labor and bearing down pains that gave you a nosebleed."

"If I remember correctly, you lasted more than just a few minutes."

I had to smile at the sexual allusion and especially the mischievous grin tugging at Dana's mouth. I've always refused to believe that middle-aged couples had to abjure fun in bed just because they weren't wild twenty-somethings anymore.

"Yeah, maybe, but still, I'm one lucky sonofabitch," Fox replied and placed a gentle kiss on Dana's forehead, then on the tip of her nose, and eventually on her mouth. "God, I love you, Scully."

"I love you too, Mulder."

"This is perfect. She...is perfect."

"She is, isn't she?"

"She's got your beauty."

"Oh, come on, Mulder. How can you say that? Her face looks still squashed from being squeezed through the birth canal."

"It's already visible how beautiful she is. To a maven's eye."

"And you are a maven."

"When it comes to her mother's beauty, yes, I am indeed."

I was almost relieved to finally find them in a more than stereotype moment for new parents: totally awe-struck by their baby and totally devoted to each other. I groaned when their sweet intimacy was brutally disturbed by a short knock at the door and the appearance of the pediatrician. He nodded at me curtly, then bellowed insensitively, "how are things going, Rose? Any unusual incidents in here?"

"No, Doctor Miller. Natural childbirth of a girl at week 39 of a high risk but complication-free pregnancy. Slow, prolonged labor, normal expulsive phase, and vaginal delivery. Mother and child are both well," I summarized.

"Good, good," Doctor Miller, one of the most experienced pediatricians in our hospital, mumbled. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. ...umm," he looked at the name tag on Dana's bed, "...Scully. I'm Doctor Miller, the pediatrician on call."

He wasn't on call. I knew because I had checked the duty roster when I asked for running another shift to be able to stay with Dana for the birth of her baby. And he hadn't looked into the medical file apparently because he didn't know the mother's and the father's names weren't the same. Doctor Miller had rushed in unprepared, and I wondered if the medical director had purposely called for him on short notice because of Dana's age. He probably wanted to make sure nothing would be overlooked to prevent legal complications later on, no birth defect, no congenital deformity or illness. The minds of clinical administration personnel are used to think in economic terms rather than humanly compassionate. I sighed inwardly.

"I'm going to abduct your daughter now for her first medical check-up," he said, stretching his arms out in anticipation of Dana handing the baby over to him, but she had gasped at the word 'abduct' and did nothing of that sort. Instead, she pulled the girl closer to her chest. Her reaction to Doctor Miller's announcement fits in with her rejection of ecbolics, anesthesia, and a possible c-section earlier.

"You're going with her, Mulder. Don't let her out of eyesight, stay with her at all times. Make sure she isn't injected with something, that no blood is drawn from her and that she isn't mixed up." It's wasn’t a favor she asked of Fox, it was a command.

"Uh, this is not the common procedure around here, Mrs. Scully," Doctor Miller informed her. "You'll have your daughter back as soon as I'm done examining her."

"It's Doctor Scully, and I don’t care what the common procedure is. Either her father is going with her, or you have to perform the check-up here in this room where we can see you."

The pediatrician was clearly annoyed and not ready to give in. "May I ask for the reason of your mistrust?"

"No, you may not," Dana replied with steadfast determination and I felt I had to step in. The situation threatened to get out of hand, and Dana had just been delivered of a child. I pulled doctor Miller aside and whispered to him, "please, doctor, let her be. I don't know why she worries that much, but I think it has something to do with how they lost their first child. This woman has just given birth, she needs to rest and not to tense up. Can't you make an exception just this once? Please?"

"Hmf," he grumbled, "since when do patients decide about medical procedures? But in God's name, if it's so important to her." He turned around, looked at Fox and said,"okay, Mr. Scully, you can come with me." He moved to take the baby from Dana but Fox preempted him. He gently cradled the tiny bundle in his long arms and replied, "thank you for your understanding, Doctor Miller, we really appreciate it, but I'll carry her. And," he paused a short moment, "my name is Mulder, not Scully. Which you would know if you had cast a glance at my wife's admitting form before rushing in here and demanding to take our daughter away from us."

Doctor Miller had nothing to say to this. Leaving Fox's remark unanswered, probably because he felt caught, he turned around and rushed out of the room.

"I'll bring her back to you as fast as I can, Scully," Fox breathed into Dana's hair before he kissed her temple and followed the pediatrician into the hallway.

The door slid shut behind them and Dana sank back into the pillow. It was the sign for me to bring the whole thing to a close.

"Let's deliver the placenta, Dana, so you can enjoy your baby girl and rest when Fox is back with her."

I gently massaged my patient's abdomen to stimulate the placental separation and when I felt a light contraction under my fingertips I told her to push one last time. Afterward, I cleaned her up and put a fresh hospital gown on her, the opening on the front because as soon as the baby was back she would be put to her mother's breast.

"Have you decided on a name yet?" I asked to distract Dana as she became increasingly jittery the longer Fox and the baby were gone.

"Hetty," she answered lost in thought, "Hetty Melissa Samantha Mulder."

"The names have a special meaning to you and Fox, I assume?" It wasn't so difficult to get that from the way Dana had pronounced them, her voice thick and herself close to tears.

"Melissa was my sister's name, Samantha Mulder's."

"And they are both already..." I trailed off, afraid of the answer I would get.

"Gone. Yes."

"And Hetty?" I prayed to God that I would be spared hearing of another loss this pitiable couple had suffered from.

"The name Hetty is of African origin and means star. That's what she is, our little star."

I was relieved, and even more so when the door opened and Fox reentered the room, in his arms a bundle covered in a pink blanket, on his face, a wide smile.

"She passed every test with flying colors, Scully. She's perfectly healthy and the most beautiful baby of the entire neonatal ward."

He placed his daughter in her mother's outstretched arms and his smile got even wider gazing at them. This was what I wanted to see in my delivery room: the joy and love and awe and puzzlement at the wonder of a new life on this planet. The wonder soon made herself heard which was my cue to help Dana latch her on. "C'mere, sweetheart, mommy has something for you," I cooed at little Hetty as I peeled her out of Dana's embrace who then opened the front of the gown to expose one of her breasts. I placed the baby chest to chest with her mother, brought her upper lip in contact with the nipple and when she opened her mouth wide, I pushed her gently onto the breast. Hetty instinctively closed her mouth and instantly started sucking.

Dana had clearly done this before, she held the baby perfectly in front of herself with one arm and supported her breast with her free hand to make it easier for Hetty to drink. She was relaxed and enjoyed this special mother-child-moment. Fox had been watching the whole procedure in total awe, and when his daughter was sucking, slurping audibly, he voiced his amazement. "This is incredible. I have missed all this with William," he hiccuped. Dana cupped his face when she answered, "you're here now, Mulder, that's all that matters. You're a father."

"I'm a father," he repeated with a melancholy in his voice I couldn't quite understand. The conversation that followed left me absolutely confused. I wasn't eavesdropping, they just didn’t mind me hearing them, or they had completely forgotten I was there. It was impossible to not realize that they were talking about a crucial moment of their lives.

"Mulder, what I said on the dock-"

"It's okay, Scully, I made my peace with it."

"No, I was wrong, Mulder. I think I was trying to distance myself from him in order not to shatter into a million pieces right there. What Skinner told me...what I had to listen to...the idea in and of itself is so sick...what that nicotine-addicted piece of shit did to me...to us..."

"He's dead, Scully. I emptied my clip into him and threw him into the water. He can't harm us anymore."

I have to admit, at this point, the blood ran cold in my veins. And it didn't get better.

"You are William's father, Mulder. You loved him, you mourned him, you tracked him down to protect him. You would've given your life for him. You are a father in the best sense of the word. The Cigarette Smoking Man never was a father. Not to you, not to Jeffrey Spender, and most certainly not to William. I won't let him take our son away from us. William is ours. He's always been ours."

Fox hung on every word Dana uttered. One could literally observe how every single one soothed his battered soul.

"If he was telling the truth-" he started.

"He was not telling the truth!"

"The thought in and of itself is so monstrous, so disgusting and horrifying. We'd be half-brothers, Scully!" Fox disgorged the words like a cat disgorges a hairball.

"Mul-"

"And it gets even better," he continued undeterred, a sour chuckle now escaping his throat, "it'd mean that instead of carrying my child you carried-"

"Mulder, stop! I don’t want to hear it. The bastard was a liar through and through, he wasn't telling the truth. You are William's father. He is our son, and nobody tells me otherwise."

My ears were burning. I felt so uncomfortable hearing this, so utterly aghast, that I wished a hole was opening to swallow me. The words spoken didn’t make any sense to me, the subject matter they were talking about was so disturbing, so angst-inducing, I began to fathom where their paranoia concerning their newborn had been coming from.

"She's his sister," Fox murmured eventually. He had calmed down. His face, which had been strangely contorted for the time they had discussed Fox's fatherhood to their lost son, reflected the adoration for his wife and daughter again. He was a handsome man, one of the kinds that ages well. "Do you think he would've liked to have a sibling?" he asked her.

"He's alive, Mulder, I know he is."

"Another vision?"

Dana shook her head. "I just know."

"Will he come back to us? One day? Maybe to get to know his baby sister?"

"I don't know, I hope. Right now, he doesn't want to be found. That's why he let himself got shot."

"It was the second time he played that trick on us."

"Only that this time he retreated from us for the time being."

"I held him, Scully. For a short moment, he let me hug him. And he told you he knew you loved him. He isn't done with us. And he knows how to find us if he cares to. We have to leave it to him. There's nothing else we can do. All we can do is keep loving him."

It seemed Fox and Dana had lost themselves, as they were mingling the past and the present. One moment, they spoke of their son like he was gone, the next, it seemed he was still present in their lives. I asked myself how the birth of their baby daughter had brought all this to the surface. Maybe the birth of a new baby does this to parents, lets them strengthen the bond to their lost child as well as loosen it at the same time. I can't tell, I didn't have another after I had lost mine.

I got lost in my own thoughts for a moment, my heart heavy with my own grief, before I was catapulted back to the reality of the delivery room when I heard Fox yelp.

"It's okay, Mulder. She just spit up a bit of milk. Her stomach is tiny and I guess she enjoyed sucking and had a little too much. It's no big deal. She's going to spit on you countless times over the next weeks, believe me. You better get used it."

Thank God for experienced second-time mothers, I said to myself. To Dana, I said, "give her to me. I'll dress her in one of your onesies. I take it you brought some. Then, we'll get you settled into your room. I've got you a nice one with a v-"

"Oh, they're not staying," Fox interrupted me quite resolutely, "I'm taking them home as soon as Scully is cleared to leave."

"What? You had this planned as an outpatient birth?" Were you out of your mind, I wanted to add, and to my horror, Dana confirmed with a determined, "yes."

"Dana," I said to her as if to a child I wanted to convince it was important to eat all the veggies, "with all due respect, you've just given birth after 18 hours of labor at the age of 54. The fact that your high-risk pregnancy ran smoothly and without major complications doesn't necessarily mean your puerperium will. I highly recommend you and your daughter spend at least one night here for observation. Better two."

"Rose, I appreciate your concern, I really do. You've been a great help through this, but I'm a medical doctor, I can take care of myself from here."

"You're not supposed to take care of yourself, Dana," I almost shouted at her, "it's important for you to rest, both physically and emotionally."

"I can do that best when I'm home," she replied so composedly and calmly, I almost believed her. Almost.

"But why not here where there's a medical staff at service at all times?"

"I need to keep them safe, Rose," Fox threw in eventually, "and it's easier for me to do that at our house."

"What makes you think they are not safe here?"

"My experience," he answered flatly and stole my thunder completely with it. What arguments could I have used to convince Fox to place his experience in the back seat? His bitter experience from what I got from their conversation. So I gave in. I didn't have any means to keep them anyway. They were free to leave the hospital at their own risk anytime, and if I understood them correctly, they assessed the risk higher if they stayed than if they left.

I looked intensely at Fox, while I gave him a list of dos and don'ts. "Make sure she lies down for at least the next 24 hours. No household duties whatsoever, no nappy change, no making coffee, no folding laundry, no nothing. You escort her to the bathroom and back. If you notice the slightest anomalies with either of them, like forehead sweat, pale skin, elevated temperature, you give us a call. If your wife suffers from persistent nausea or bleeding, you give us a call. Immediately. No matter what time of day or night. Are we clear?"

"Perfectly," he answered compliantly.

"I also happen to be a free-lance midwife, so I will come to your house the day after tomorrow to check on both of them. I have to make sure your daughter puts on some weight and that her navel heals well. I have to monitor the involution of your wife's uterus and whether breastfeeding goes well. I will drive a red Nissan, by the way, so don't shoot me when I'm pulling into your driveway." I simply couldn't bite back the sarcasm.

"Well, I can't promise you anything, Rose, because you know how it is, you can take the man out of the FBI, but you can't take the FBI out of the man.”

If he tried to sound intimidating, he failed miserably. He couldn't even keep the corners of his mouth from twitching. He had spoken about how he'd emptied a clip into a man; not into a man though, into a piece of shit, sonofabitch, pathological liar. I guess that was why it didn't really bother me. I simply brushed it aside and told him, "your insurance will charge you extra for midwife home visits."

He feigned to be shocked for a second, then smiled. "That's okay," he said in the smoothest of voices.

"Very well then," I huffed, "I'll fetch a doctor for a final examination. After that, I'll get the discharge papers ready and you can take them home."

I was already on my way out, stampeding toward the door when I felt Fox's hand on my shoulder. His voice was warm again, bereft of the rigidity of a few moments ago.

"Rose, please don't take this the wrong way. You've been wonderful. I know you volunteered to stay with Scully until the end. You've been nothing but a blessing. You're an amazing labor nurse and I promise I will make you coffee and welcome you to our house when you come to us for the home visit. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't want anybody but you to take care of my two most precious treasures."

My heart melted and my anger and incomprehension went phut. Once again, these two people impressed me. They voiced their sincere gratefulness, acknowledged my part in the drama of this birth, but also followed an unswerving way when it came to their very own interests. Fox simply acted like a mother bear taking care of her cubs. How could I have been mad at him? I showed him a smile. "Do you have a milk frother?"

"You bet. I can even offer you a variety of flavor shots. Hazelnut, vanilla, caramel."

"What are you? A trained barista?"

"No, just a coffee connoisseur who happily welcomes everyone to his house who appreciates a freshly brewed cup of coffee, because my better half here," he quirked an eyebrow in Dana's direction, "prefers organic green tea."

I had to chuckle when I saw Dana roll her eyes. They were really simply adorable.  

I fetched the gynecologist and pediatrician to examine Dana and Hetty. They were both perfectly well, so after another two or three hours, they would be free to go.

Now that I'm in the locker room, after I wrote the report about my shift, scheduled my home visit with the Mulder-Scully family, and changed out of my scrubs into my clothes, I have to say my long working day has been absolutely remarkable. Should I ever write a book about my experiences as a labor nurse, this day would get mentioned as one of the most interesting ones of my entire working life. Not so much because of the sequences of this delivery, it had more or less been a textbook example despite the mother's advanced age. It was this extraordinary parental couple who made it so special. I supposed, they not only made it through this together but through many other challenges life had thrown at them. I am really looking forward to walking a little way on their roads.

I'm on my way out and there they are, heading toward the main gate. Hetty is securely buckled up in the car seat Fox is carrying, cocooned in a hat, mittens and a warm blanket. His other arm is curled around Dana's waist, supporting her as well as keeping her close. I told him I would rely on him to make this ambulant birth thing work, that he was responsible for both his wife's and his daughter's well-being and what I'm seeing right now tells me my confidence in him is justified. He has them both under his wings and anyone with the intention to get at them has to get past him first.

Who wouldn't want to have a Fox Mulder in their lives?

[hollygopossumlovesj2]

Come Back Down, Part 21

Title: Come Back Down, Part 21

Warning/Rating: NC-17; For graphic smut, hand job (male receiving), cussing, description of mental illness.

Word Count: 4,879

Summary: Recovery is not easy for Jensen. It involves sitting still and ‘resting’ which pretty much adds up to anxiety and feelings of failure. Depression weighs heavily on him as he contemplates the past month.

A/N: Thank you, @tas898, for reading through this and reassuring me that it wasn’t complete crap! Also for pushing me to post the damn thing. I super appreciate your support, Twinsie!

Hollygopossum’s Master List ~ If you’d like to read more of my work, click this link 

Come Back Down Master List ~ Just incase you’d like to catch up, click this link here!

Cbd21

I’d been home for about 2 weeks now and had barely even left this room. Despite being drugged up to the gills for most of it, I was starting to lose patience with everyone. Mom had, of course, been insufferable and over attentive which was both annoying and guilt inducing. I knew there were preparations for her favorite holiday to be done but she was too busy checking on me every thirty minutes. Which, was an improvement because up until a couple of days ago, it had been every five.

It was a crazy concept to me, when I thought about it, but Christmas was only less than a week away. The two weeks I’d spent in hospital had seemed to drag on and on, but it turned out that hospital time goes a lot slower than real time.

The time I spent hospitalized was anxiety inducing, especially with my parents and their superpower of smothering the fuck out of me. My family had come to an agreement of a different schedule when I finally lost it enough to need more iv Ativan.

They were only allowed to come in one person at a time. My parents traded of the morning and afternoon shift. Josh, Mackenzie and Jared had each come to visit and take a ‘shift’ that I found unnecessary since I had a very attentive nurse. She came quickly when I had to break down and push the button but she hadn’t tried to make small talk. She was there to get down to business.

Then there was Y/N. She mainly took the night shift, after my parents and I had put our foot down that she needed a shower and at least 5 hours of sleep that she wouldn’t get if she stayed glued to my side 24/7. Selfishly I wanted her to stay with me and scare off my parents with her haunted eyes. But, she truthfully hadn’t recovered from me scaring the ever loving fuck out of her and she needed sleep and food.

So now, even though I was feeling pouty and ready to hunchback my healing ass out of this room and to the nearest bar, I stifled it. Earlier in the week, I’d half heartedly tried to convince her to go home to Wyoming. I told her she didn’t have to stay to take care of me when she had so many things to do at home. The argument was pointless, like arguing with an especially grumpy mule. I tried to let the guilt bog me down. I tried to convince myself that I was not just uselessly just putting her life on hold, and many of the cast and crew were ‘home on break’ until we had a full cast to work with.

So much guilt. Forever with the guilt.  

Unfortunately for me, she was also extremely perceptive. She always had been, and she knew with just one look that I wasn’t handling the bed surfing part of my recovery well. If I were honest with myself, I would admit that the appendectomy had scared the fuck out of me too. But, it seemed wrong to voice that when everyone else had been terrified too. I was damn relieved that she hadn’t listened when I told her that she should go home.

She knew from experience how much of a pain in the ass I could be when I wasn’t feeling well. And, like I’d said before, we’d been there for each other through a large variety of situations. Like, the time I’d gotten mono from making out with Anna McDowell the summer before senior year.

Y/N had been the only person home because she was visiting over her break. Dad was off filming a part in some sitcom that filmed in Vancouver. After I had assured Mom that Y/N and I could behave and would be fine alone, she had reluctantly gone with him.

My throat had been brutally sore and I’d felt weighed down like I could sleep for days at a time. I’ll just say that mono had made the bad cold I’d had back in Cheyenne look like the sniffles. She made sure I drank plenty of fluids and took my medication. She would even bring me popsicles if I didn’t bitch too much. I know I definitely tested Y/N’s patience that first week of summer. It was one of the many times that solidified the position she held in my life as my favorite person.

Now, things were a little different. We weren’t just two teenagers trying to get by anymore. She never gave me any inclination that she ever planned to run like hell. I’d tried to get used to the very real possibility that dealing with all of this was just too much for me to ask. How could such a friend stay in my life for so long? Especially when they were picking up pictures of her and putting them in the gossip magazines?

My life was already spilling over into hers and I hadn’t made anything official. I’d gotten comfortable with what we had, but now I had to consider the possibility that she wouldn’t want the kind of life that was constantly being observed underneath a microscope. Not that I could completely begrudge Danneel for going off the deep end, but I knew I was going to get some backlash for that. That meant that Y/N might get backlash, too. Some of my fans had tagged her as the ‘other woman’ years ago before I’d wizened up.

My sad effort to keep these worries and some others under wraps and my problem alone had failed. She’d tried to cheer me up by offering me my favorite foods or letting me watch whatever I wanted, but the truth was that I was going fucking stir crazy. I didn’t want to sit still so that my abdominal internal sutures could heal properly like the outside sutures were headed to a lot quicker than I had thought. To be honest, it was getting a little itchy which just added to my discontent.

To be fair, I recognized that it was my own damn fault that I’d landed in this situation. If I hadn’t been such a hard headed dipshit, I’d be back on set by now.

On top of that, I couldn’t help but think about Danneel and the fake pregnancy. I still hadn’t been able to give her what she wanted. It still stung more than I was prepared for, even though we weren’t together anymore. Our divorce had caused her to suffer a psychological break, or so her brother had informed me in a very angry, violent conversation over the phone right after I’d been released to go home.

I’d spoken to Danneel’s mother yesterday and she’d informed me that Danneel was receiving treatment closer to her home town in Louisiana in a much nicer, if a little bit professional tone. The doctors there thought the break was due to the imbalance of hormones in her system caused by the fertility treatments she had been having. Oh, and stress. For some reason, Danneel’s mother took pity on me. She mentioned that even though stress didn’t help the situation, it had played a very small part in comparison to the fertility treatments and her unsuccessful attempts at conceiving a baby.

I still couldn’t quite let myself off of the hook, even having been pardoned by her mother. As soon as I was healed enough to drive, I planned on making time to visit with Mrs. Graul and maybe even Danneel if she was ready to have visitors. I knew all too well that the divorce was solid this time, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being responsible for pushing Danneel closer to the deep end. She might have meant to harm me, but I would’ve never wished her any real pain.

Y/N was still furious with Danneel who had confessed to running her off the road and into the ravine. A dark, unpopulated ravine that she’d been at the bottom of for nearly a week. Add on top of that the vandalism of her barn, and Y/N had every reason to press every charge possible, but she’d dropped them when she found out that Danneel wasn’t mentally well. She’d told me right before bed the night before that she didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. Plus, it was kind of hard to point fingers at someone who’d had such a hard time adjusting that they had a meltdown.

Once the media got a hold of the story, some negative Tweets and articles had already been released. Some of the Supernatural fandom were not very happy with me. They blamed me for Danneel’s mental break, and I couldn’t say I blamed them. The suits at the CW said not to worry, that the negative press would settle soon. They’d even tacked on that my drama had actually benefited the show being renewed. Bad attention, is still attention. Ugh! I felt used, but at least the crew would still have a job the longer they stayed on tv.

I sighed, feeling the tension building back up in my chest. It had only been momentarily alleviated by Y/N’s earlier animated conversation about how beautiful our hometown was. As she’d leaned into my shoulder, and nowhere else because I was a fucking china doll, she’d reminisced in a way that didn’t completely depress her. It was new, this lighter side of her talking about childhood hang outs and memories of us as high schoolers.

No matter how many times she returned to Dallas, and even though my parents had moved to a new house a few years before, the first couple of days always hit her like a sledgehammer. Especially if she tries to talk about her family. Now though, she seemed relaxed and happy to be here. She’d come back upstairs a couple of times ready to discuss a conversation that she’d had with my parents. There were little tidbits of information that she’d never known about her mom until my Mom had shared with her.

Maybe I’d be able to summon the inner strength to ask her what had changed.

She had disappeared about an hour ago and the book I was trying to read wasn’t holding my attention for longer than 5 minute increments.

Ever since I’d arrived home I’d been battling the nervous, possibly manic energy that was buzzing beneath my skin the longer I was forced to sit still. There were so many things that needed to be done for the show and I’d had to fight with both my Mom and Y/N so that I could leave to do voice work next week. They’d eventually given in when I told them that it was going to be done locally and for short amounts at a time. Even being able to do voice work in the very near future didn’t really quell it.

The crew had made changes as soon as they knew my recovery would be extended. They had left me out of several scenes and used my stunt guy to fill in where they couldn’t. I hated the strain this put on my friends.

Singer had tried to comfort me with the fact that it was only a couple of episodes and then they would break for Christmas. I wasn’t comforted. I hated anything that would possibly take away from the shows full potential and the family that was there.

You’d think the nervous energy would be completely cancelled out by the depressive episode of gargantuan proportions. It was obvious with my unwillingness to get out of bed or eat or to bathe myself with anything more complicated than a baby wipe down. I could actually feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, even with taking my antidepressant regularly. I could recognize it but I couldn’t do anything about it without feeling overwhelmed and defeated.

I had been at the end of my rope a few nights ago and finally caved. I told Y/N a shortened version of what was going on with me, omitting my worries about her because I didn’t want to give her more things to worry about. She had listened patiently but she hadn’t tried to soothe me with putting her hands on my face or giving me a look of pity.

She chose a scientific explanation that put me at ease faster than a generic, ‘I’m sorry, baby.’ She’d simply explained that sometimes anesthesia and the sedatives would mix up the normal balance of brain chemicals. That I should just try to take it easy until they balanced themselves out, but I didn’t know just how much more I could take.

Bored by the book I was trying to read and filled to the brim with hopelessness, I fell asleep. Sleeping was my only escape. It was the only way I could stop the voices in my head telling me how much I’d fucked up. That I was letting everyone that I’d ever cared about down.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been asleep the next time I woke up, but it was a pleasant wake up. Y/N face was leaning down so that she was eye level, a private smile on her face and a little blush on her cheeks. It looked like maybe she had been able to be outside for a little while and gotten some sun on her face.

“Hey.” She whispered like speaking too loud would disturb the room. As I slowly became more conscious, I noted that she’d opened the blinds to let some sun it. It glowed brightly against the beige carpet in the room, reflecting an ethereal glow on her face.

“Hey.” I croaked, lifting a hand to push the hair hanging in her face behind her ear. She leaned down a little further to kiss my nose and then my lips, bringing a small smile out.

“I’ve run a bath for you.”

And… the moment was gone. “A bath?” A bath required energy. A bath meant I’d need help getting in and out. A bath sounded terrible.

“Yeah.” She sat down on the edge of the bed, probably seeing my face fall. “I’ll do all the work. All you have to do is stay awake.”

“I don’t want you to do all the work.” I grumped, groaning quite dramatically as I sat up. “I don’t want you to have to do anything.”

“Would you rather your Mom helped?” Dirty. She played dirty. She deduced the answer by the appalled twist to my expression. “Maybe we could have a little fun.”

I lifted an eye brow in question, wondering if Y/N had lost her mind while I’d been sleeping. It was a tiny bit enticing but absolutely not while my parents were still in the house. That would just be weird. Plus, I wasn’t exactly in shape to be doing acrobatics in the garden tub.

“Your parents are gone shopping for some last minute Christmas things. They’ll probably be gone…” She checked the phone she’d been carrying in her right hand. “For the next two hours.”

And, there went most of my excuses.

I didn’t cave one bit, my face a study in extreme grumpiness, as she walked close beside me while I hobbled into the upstairs bathroom. Even as I saw the bath tub full of bubbles and surrounded by a couple of candles that had to be left over from Mackenzie, I remained against this whole thing. It was one thing for me to help her shower all last summer. It was completely another for her to do the same.

I loved her and I wanted to be her safety and her security. I couldn’t very well do that while she was washing my ass for me.

To Y/N’s credit, she never lost the smile on her face or the genuine care she put into getting me into the tub. Which, if I were in the mood to be honest, it wasn’t as complicated as I’d thought it would be. It didn’t even hurt as much as I thought it would, but I still would’ve preferred some damn baby wipes or a sink bath to this. I could already be napping again by now. I was already a little breathless from the ten feet I’d just crossed to get to the bathroom.

A thought occurred to me as I got lost watching her take her clothes off, neatly folding them up on the counter next to what I assumed were my clean clothes. (Because I hadn’t even thought about grabbing any) But, maybe she was pushing this bath because she was tired of sleeping next to someone that (maybe, possibly) didn’t smell too fresh. The reasons didn’t even really matter that much. I was in the tub now. Might as well be fucking clean.

“Sit up a little.” She helped by pushing my shoulders forward and then slipped in behind me, her legs spread wide to frame mine. “Okay, now lean back.” I carefully leaned back and despite my issue with being the little spoon, I had to admit that it felt good. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, the water gently lapping around us and her arms encircled around my chest so I wouldn’t slide down.

This was nice and quiet, the firm hold around my chest chased a bit of the crazy anxious feeling away. Y/N knew exactly what I was doing and the possibility of her not knowing hadn’t crossed my mind besides being a grumpy asshole.

I didn’t even have to move when she began soaping my hair with shampoo, using a cup to wet my hair and then rinse it. I begrudgingly had to admit, if only to myself, that having my hair washed felt fucking fantastic. I relaxed further, humming as I let my full weight lean against her, as she massaged my scalp with firm fingers.

Her chuckle vibrated against my back, making a relaxed smile slowly spread on my lips. “You and your hair.”

I cocked an eyebrow even though she couldn’t see it, “What do you mean, ‘you and your hair?’” My voice grumbled an octave or two deeper because I was on the cusp of falling asleep.

“All anyone has to do to wipe that grumpy look on your face is put their fingers in your hair. I’m not sure you can have your hair cut in public with the noises that you make. You might get arrested for being indecent.”

“What?” I tensed up a little, only because what she was describing wasn’t very manly at all. I couldn’t help the character traits that I held to so rigidly. “I do fine in public thank you very much.” I had evolved since I’d grown up in Texas and made sure to never extend anything but support, especially to those that chose to challenge the world’s expectations and dared to be exactly who they were. I admired their strength, but I was still stuck living by my Dad’s southern expectations and it was a lot easier to be understanding of someone else than it was to be understanding of myself.

“Shhh…” Her fingers slid down to dig deeply into my intensely tight neck muscles after she’d rinsed my hair thoroughly. I instantly forgot what I was ruffled about. “I didn’t mean to get your hackles up, Ackles. You’re still a big tough guy if that’s what you want to be.”

She got a grunt in response, mostly because I didn’t want to get into another discussion about how I hold myself to too many rigid self-expectations. Oh yes, she had made her point several times, but I just couldn’t stop. The anxiety that I’d been trying to fight since childhood always managed to make me fixate on my flaws. All through Days of Our Lives and Dark Angel, I would spend hours rehearsing and trying to have my line delivery perfect. When I would lay down at night, all the times I’d failed would keep me from sleeping well, including the time I’d failed to get a big part in the kindergarten play. I took a big breath and let it go, relaxing back into her warm, soft body.

I let myself drift in and out of consciousness, letting her hands wash away all the eck that had built up while I was laid up. Y/N had clipped her nails short so that she could massage my skin as she washed everywhere thoroughly, pushing the painful toxins and leaving me basically a pile of jelly. Damn it felt good. She cleared her throat, a tell that she had something important to say, and I braced myself for what would come next.

“You can’t do this to me again, okay?” She began to whisper, her warm breath and lips tickling the back of my neck and setting off goosebumps as she swiped the wash cloth over my healing incision. I hummed in answer, trying to maintain this relaxed state for as long as possible, but let her know I was listening. “You get a free pass for this one, but anything after this, there will be consequences.” I grunted, unable to conjure up enough energy to form words. “I won’t be able to handle it again, Jay. I never wanted to be close to anyone after my parents. But then, there you were. I will never be able to survive a day without you alive on this Earth somewhere, and that terrifies me.”

The sound of her sniffling brought me back to Earth, her words processing clearly. I laid my head back, held up by her shoulder as I searched blindly for her lips. My eyes were still closed as I instinctively found them. I was afraid if I opened my eyes that she would see the fear in mine as well. Not because of her threat of retribution and consequences, but the horrifying thought that if something happened to me she wouldn’t survive.

They were salty from tears when she pressed her lips against mine. I turned the kiss into something needy, something that expressed the vulnerable thing inside me with her name on it, without words. I wanted to pull her into my lap and hold her close but the internal sutures kept me from moving very much at all.

“M’not goin’ anywhere.” I pressed the words into her willing lips, my tongue easing in to glide over her teeth and then battle for dominance with her tongue.

“Okay,” she whispered on an inhale, her fingers teasing my happy trail below the surface. I was already responding to her kisses, my dick already filling with blood and half hard. I couldn’t help the grunt that was muffled by our lips when her fingers lightly grazed me. My eyes squeezed closed even tighter against the emotion that was stirring turmoil in my chest. The bath and the tease of something more made sense now. She wanted to put her hands on me to feel me alive and well. How could I ever have thought I’d be strong enough to begrudge her that.

From then on her touches were done with more intent, her fingers teasing my shaft only to go lower and gently roll my balls and hold them in her palm. I was gonna be a quick trigger and I couldn’t even bring myself to feel self-conscious about it. I hadn’t even put my own hand on me since a few days before my surgery. I hadn’t even thought of this since I’d been home, too distracted by the pain.

But, fuck if it didn’t feel good now. I was already panting hard, my head feeling dizzy from my short breaths and limited oxygen intake. I tried to turn around so that I could touch and taste more of her, but she stopped me with her hands pressing firmly against my pecks to keep me still. “Stay like this. This is just for you.”

I didn’t like being the only one on the receiving end. I got a lot of my pleasure from watching her feel good. I loved how responsive she was. I loved the noises that she made and how she would finally just let go and feel it. However, I had to admit that what she was doing, the being in control? Fuck, that was hot, too.

I finally had to stop trying to kiss her, leaning my head back and tucking my nose into the crook in her neck just so that I could breathe her scent into my lungs. I felt her other hand leave my side a moment and the sound of a thick liquid being squeezed from a bottle. It didn’t really register until her hand was slicking up my cock with a lubricant. It was oil based so that it didn’t wash off right away, removing the friction that water made uncomfortable. The warm, wet sensation was overwhelming and I couldn’t help the groan as I pushed my face further into her skin.

This time she didn’t tease, sensing my urgency in the twitch of my hips, her hand firm as she began pumping with purpose. I was already desperate, my breath started to get caught in my throat and hitch in my chest.

“Relax, let me do all the work.” She whispered like a dirty, dirty porn star and put pressure on my hip to try to keep me still. The action resulting in a moan from deep in my throat, a thrill of pleasure crawling up my spine. Fuck it was hot that she was bossing me around a little.

She would bring me right to the edge, my toes curling in the water, before she’d ease off. I could hardly stay still or hold in the vulnerable moans that echoed in the acoustics of the bathroom. I couldn’t help but to thrust into her hand as much as she would allow, planting my feet and trying to get the most out of every single one. To keep from sliding down, my hands were leaving finger print bruises as I gripped her thighs for dear life. Fuck!

“Oh, fuck. Oh, god-. …gonna�� Sweetheart, I’m gonna-. Oh, fuck!” When she finally let me come it felt like months’ worth of come was dragged out of me in long, hard pulses. My balls clamped down so hard that they were actually sore when I could bring myself to give a fuck. To be honest, I didn’t know what I said, my mind blown and focused on just one thing, babbling the words that just rolled out of my mouth without a filter. There may have been curse words or multiple praises for unknown deities and moans that might’ve sounded like I was dying. All I really knew was that my throat was a little dry when I could finally focus on the room.

The orgasm had turned my entire body into jelly, my legs and arms were like limp noodles. I hissed through my teeth, my dick still very sensitive, when she washed the lubricant off with a warm, soapy wash cloth. God, as much as I’d complained and tried to convince Y/N that this wasn’t a good idea, I had to admit to myself that I had been wrong.

Even though I had been a grumpy ass, she had still been able to take care of me so completely that mixed in with the orgasmic haze was a hell of a lot of gratitude.

Getting me out of the bath tub and dried off would probably be a funny story later, but I was too relaxed to care. I could feel the dopey smile on my face as Y/N laughed at me while I leaned almost my entire weight into her side. “Whoo…” We listed to the left and to the right a little because my brain was mostly out of the building.

“Alright, chuckles, hang on for me for just a minute longer.” She kind of sounded like I was probably killing her back, but my center of gravity depended on her.

When we finally made it safely to the bedroom and into bed, she took great care as she tucked me in. She pulled the comforter up to beneath my chin and dipped to kiss my lips one more time.

It was pure luck that I was able to work my hand and to grab onto her shirt before she could get up to leave. She returned the big, dumb smile I could feel on my face. “Stay.”

The amused smile on her kiss swollen lips turned soft as she answered me with a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” I watched blearily as she ditched her blue jeans and bra, climbing and snuggling up close next to me in just a t shirt and her blue lace panties. She laid up against me, but put her arm over my chest to avoid my incision, tucking her face beside mine, sharing my pillow. “Love you.”

I pressed my lips into her forehead, staying there as I fell into a few deep, quality hours of sleep. “Love you, too.”

Tagging (Forever’s): @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann, @daydreamingintheimpala, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyx, @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @callmesatansprincess, @atc74, @ryansgirl5509, @notnaturalanahi, @keepcalmandcarryondean, @sea040561, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @uniquewerewolfsuit, @ria132love, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @pretty-fortune, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @justanotherdeangrl, @weasleywinchester,@easelweasel, @akshi8278, @tas898, @mandymoiselle1970, @pansexualmeteorite,

Tagging (CBD Only): @melissaj616, @katrena7, @deansdirtyduchess, @anticipate1003, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @shamelesslydean, @xristina-gkika

[mori-sketchbook]

:333333 every one of those questions for both you and Andras.

sometimes meesh….. somtimes

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

closed! they are full length mirros

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

only when super tanned

(3) Can You Whistle?

nope *cries*

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

All Star, which i normally cant stand cuz it gets stuck in my head like no ones business but this was a surprisingly good cover

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

i usually default to maroon/burgundy but i think gold is inching into first place

(6) Relationship Status.

engaged

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

15′C but muggy as all hell

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

oh boy did i

(9) How Many Followers?

1,129

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Sagittarius

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

blue but with marbley grey

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

yes, but i should take more tbh

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

yeah but i never remember the words so just mumble along

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

Half Blood Prince audio book

fun(ish) fact, i was super into reading until the good ol’ depression killed my ability to read so i started listening to audio books recently as a part of my therapy and the harry potter series has a very clear ramp up in difficulty as they age so i figured it’d be a great way of working my way up again

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

There is one, and only one, advantage to somebody who cannot play the violin insisting on doing so anyway, and the advantage is that they often play so loudly that they cannot hear if the audience is having a conversation.

(16) Favourite Anime?

Shirokuma Cafe!

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

Kaedian :’>

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

movie props!

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

a little pizza~

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

i can barely sit in a car im so tall let alone dance

(21) Favourite Animal?

sometimes sharks, sometimes octopi, sometimes armadillos

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

opening cermonies and anything with beefy ladies *cough*

oh and archery!

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

aim for 11/12 but as for actually falling asleep…..

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

only a little, not been taking care of myself lately tbh

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

pool maybe? but id rather just sit and look at the ocean

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

eh?? no real fave but Clients from Hell is always a good read

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

neither

(28) What Makes You Happy?

*stares into the camera*

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

if im taking stuff in, with music, if im writing stuff down, without

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

doggos but i do love cats too

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

some weird offshoot pastel grey

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

i guess playstation, i;ve owned a ps1/ps2/psp but no xbox

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

if we’re talking idyllic waterfall lagoon from some fantasy book then lake, if not then neither pls

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

grey NASA tee

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

no it confuses me how people have control over those muscles (ears too wtf)

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

i go through periods of saving then periods of spending

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

 a lighter

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

i guess the history of Hyperion (Borderlands) and the departments in the Ministry (Harry Potter)

i tend to hyper focus one aspect rather than a franchise as a whole

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

only to save, leave them be pls

(42)Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

initially yeah but then those people quickly become an annoyance and everything they do annoys me

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

i have the blandest dreams ever as can be seen here

(44)Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

i dont dislike them but the longer the flight the more claustro i get

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Up, in the cinema, front row with my crying friends, you know the scene

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

sunflower seeds pls

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

it was a life goal to see David Bowie in concert :’

i guess either Pulp if they ever toured again or just whoever puts on the best show

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

ill try anything in a restaurant but at home with everyday meals i am put off by food a whole bunch

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

maybe??? its hell to get me to sleep but once im out i think i stay out pretty well

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

no i LOVE it

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

in theory…

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

pls no

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

pumpkins i guess but not by much

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Mariner’s Revenge - Decemberists

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

summerino

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now?

i can still taste that pizza so im good for the moment, it will be chocolate tho, its always chocolate

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

no that’s weird

(58) What Is Your Gender?

…..nope

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

Coffee~

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

nothing official

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Pansexual/Polyamorous

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

not even a little :’>

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

(64) Favourite Social Media?

i tend to avoid it really, i dont wanna know what ur doing sorry

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

i dont even know what they are? if theyre the same as snapchat stories then??? theyre fine i guess

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

not so much homesick as “omg i need to get home im having a panic attack”

(67) Are You A Virgin?

nop

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

original source i think?? just get whatever

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Car for sure

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

nope

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

it was Atomic Blonde until i heard about all the queer baiting and shit, and i would’ve watched it regardless cuz kickass older woman beating people up but theres enough violence against queer people as it is

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

would you like to pick between, abusive ex number 1, abusive ex number 2, friend who we got together cuz we were being pressured by friends and realised we were just friends, ex who was obsessed with me and i didn’t feel anything for but you’re too young to realise that shit aint love, ex who was so torn up about his sexuality he seemed to genuinely fear admitting it or the ex who i never technically got together with but was in love with but had no idea how to go about it cuz “healthy” and “relationshop” where not two words that belonged in the same sentence according to past experience

honestly the best relationship i ever had before Kae was just a friend who was there for me after being abused and we fucked from time to time and there was no “going out” aspect to drag us down

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

shrug, never been one for quotes

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

green i guess?? gimmi unnatural contacts, they can be sexy, i never see a natural eye colour and think “i wanna bone that” tho

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

dont have a question about sexiness followed by a question about swinging and expect my brain not to go there

but yes swings are the best i love them

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

leetle pizza

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

WoW companion App is the closest to a game, D&D character sheet app too

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

wtf yes???

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

ask me if ive been OFF the computer for 5 hours straight

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

no i actively avoid most of those sites, tumblr is the closest but i tend to follow the art only blogs of people anyway

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

in theory???? but generally no

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

i do, always at least 2, a spinning ring for anxiety and a spiral copper band. will wear more if feeling fancy

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

bed is on a mezzanine but the other doors are clsoed

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

walked the doggo, talked to landlord, avoided a withheld number who was ringing for like a solid 5 minutes leave me alone

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

i just take off my jeans and sleep in that

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

ughhh soap scrubs, face cream, sea salt hairspray, coconut oil…errr makeup/nail varnish i guess i dunno

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

is neither an option

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

*groans* n-no thats way too much effort

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

i dreamed a was in a shop (well.. it was a white void with a single shelf) and i picked up a mug and looked at it. that was it. the endand it was a couple months ago

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

hmmm cherry coke or fanta

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

audible ones

crunchy leaves are good? OMG wait no that echoing ice crack sound on massive lakes that stuff is the best

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

jeans

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

exhausted

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

if only i knew

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

hmmm ive considered my sigils but the act of marking them on my skin is a whole part of the process for me so maybe not, geometric stiff is my jam tho, i dont like “picture” tattoos

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

[targsdaenerys]

let me tell you all a story. a story of my experience with ouat.

2012.

in fourth grade, i was watching american idol. during commercials, i viewed a promo consisting of a dragon and unicorns. now, at the time, unicorns were my ver y favorite, so of course, i was intrigued. i told my mom that i heard about a show with unicrons, but that i didnt know what it was called. she told me how she had heard of it and wanted to check it out. after watching the season one interviews between red and snow, she believed it was too old for me. i agreed. no unicorns. not what i was expecting.

2013.

a year passes. fifth grade was a blur, and all i know is that we went to disney. i had no idea what would change since then.

2014.

my friends are suddenly starting to talk about this kid’s eyebrows. how they are “so hot” and “sexy”. she showed me a picture off of robbie kay’s instagram and i laughed. ha, peter pan? whatever.

but then, it started to reoccur each monday, they would talk about it. i actually started to look forward to monday lunch periods. i begged them to discuss what they thought of the episode. once again, i was intrigued. 

so of course, i wanted to see what the fuss was about. whats this big deal with peter pan? and who the hell’s rumple after only a few clips, i suddenly loved snow and charming. i needed more. i needed to watch.

so i tried. desperately.  i only had an ipad, and was unaware it was on netlfix, so i tried to watch the first episode of the series by typing in “once upon a time season 1 episode one online free to any platform.i actually was able to find it and went in excitedly the next day to tell my friends. that was when i learned it was on netflix and thati could not wait to get home and watch it. so i did. but the thing is, i was only there for snow and charming scenes.  i literally only skipped to their scenes. thats how i watched the show.

but then, as i was scrolling around youtube one day looking forsscenes for them, i came across “Emma and Hook Kiss scene” my frirst thought? it was between “ew”and “serioulsy?”

i watched it anyway.

and to behonest, it was kind of just a “okay, that happened” kind of thing. it wasnt until my friend told me after the season 3 finle that emma and hook kissed again before i got alitle excited. not much more, though.

then months pass, and suddenly, scrolling around netflix, i come across the hunger games. i held a grudge against the series since it became big with the popular group in my school that year. but i was thirsty for romance. and i heard it had some.

and thats how i fell in love with everlark. one night. the next morning i started following pages on instagram. i look up the ship on googlge. and tumblr posts pop up. i make a tumblr.

i start to follow pages on there with everlark, but then i start to see things on both platforms. emma and hook. and then, i slowly started to fall in love. not much. i just watch a couple of their scenes during season three, come across their second kiss. getting really, really excitated for the fourth season.

at the point, i had written about two everlark fanfictions. i wanted to write one about emma and hook, but i had no i dea how. or what .

but then tumblr inspired me. to the point where i started to freak out over every episode no matter how small the scenes were. in october of seventh grade, i wrote my first captain swan fanifction. i also drew my first drawing that i never thought i was able to do. sure, it was with a sketchbook my aunt got me in second grade and a #2 pecil, but i believe its still beautiful. it wasnt long after i actually found the name, captain swan, rather than using “kemma” or “killimma”.

2015.

and from there, my obsession sky rocketed. i stayed up until four every night after an episode, despite schol the next morning. i wrote little drabbles that arelong since gone ever since my laptop broke. i drew more drawings, i rewatched every scene until thats all that was in my head.the s4 finale was as hard on me as everyone else, and i tried to write a specualtion fic to the s5 premiere. i neverfinshed. although, looking back at the writing now, i can still feel the pain i was in by it.

and then season five started. again, i freaked out as much as everyone else. every episode. i still remeber the week after the first episode, we lost someone int he fandom. we miss you, love.

and then it was late october.saturday the 22nd, my mom came into my room to ask me if id seen my friend alyssa that day. she was a year older than me, afreshman in highschool. i didnt, so i told her. i didnt ever think what might have been.the following day, i was working at the food pantry when my mom caled me.they had found alyssa. but she wasnt okay.maybe in her mind she may have been the best shes ever been, but to us,she wasnt.

no one else knew, and i had to walk home in silence. i didnt cry because at the time we werent as close as the year before and it didnt hit me.but then my mother’s words repeated in my head. “Alyssa died, sweetie.” it was asentence i never forgot.

im not the best at keeping my emtions with myself. i always think people will judge me and call me selfish if i cry, and i didnt want it to be like that. so i kept it in.i kept the tears in for so, so long, even to the point here i didnt even cry at her wake where she looked like an angel although the scarf around her neck was something shed never wear. and what kept my sanity? once upon a time. it was then when i realized it was my anchor. 

2016.

back in 2015 my mother made me audtion for a vocational school. earlier that year i had found its dance program and wanted to go, but along the way my intrest dwindled. she told me to give it a shot anyway because i had a very low chance of making it in due to my grades at the time. 

i made it in. 

the following months were the worst of my life. every day on the way home from dance wed fight about which high school was better, and although she was right about me going to the vocational one, i wanted to stay in my district. lets just say the only thing that kept me from following alyssa into the darkness was dance competitions. oh, and what else. the damn once upon a time episodes.

she forced me to go to that school, by the way. sure, i enjoy it now, but the people there suck and i still do not like how she went at it.

that fall, i take my friend to our first convention.since i started watching oneupon a time, i wanted others to watch it, and my one friend agreed to. until the end of the neverland arc.  and peter pan died. no more ouat for her. but, since robbie was going to be there, lets go. she got a picture with him, i got a picture with bex. yayay.

2017.

last week, we experienced the best sunday of our life. a wedding we never really thought would happen. it was unbelievable. emma got her happy ending(or beginning) aand we got ours. it was so thrilling that even my friend who stopped watching in season three was excited. but as much as it was unbeliable the night, the following morning was too.

that was the most giddiest i had ever felt for school. every more we have a forty five minute bus ride and the but whole time i listened to the musical on repeat. but then, as i looked down to pause the music as we pulled into school, i saw my friends text. Jen’s facebook post.

i was in a daze all day.

it wasnt until lunch, the last period since it was a half day, where i just broke down. people asked me what was wrong and i explained as best i could, but shitty people have shitty outlooks on things and they didnt understand. it was the loneliest ive ever felt.

my mom kind of comforted me, telling me how she felt the same when parent hood ended and that ill find a new show ill like just the same, but one upon a time is special. no show can replace or even add onto what kind of mark it had left on me. it was what started my career in wririting and drawing. in someways it kept me alive. and what did people do when i told them this? they laughed.

it was tuesday night when i ran down stairs, telling my mom about convention tickets for colin and jen photo op i found on sale. we had them in mind for awhile, but never got them. she told me wed look into it. we missed the sale.

so here we were, here i was, aall i was able to think about was how id never meet the people who played the characters that shaped me and my future. until the next morning, my birthday, where i was given the tickets.

and today,to night, was pretty much the end of the storybook. im not going to go into it because i have it on a post from about an hour ago. but thank you everyone, for helping me be me. and thank you for this blessed oppurtuniy, in which i had never and will never take for granted, to be a part of such a magical communtiy. because of this platform i have aspired my career of writing, drawing, and fulfilling my dreams of being a princess by being able to contact disney about the program.if it wasnt for this damned, beautiful fucking shwow, i would probably bedrastically different. this story we created is timeless, a neverending fairytale in both real life and on screen. the story contiues for ever and ever in our hearts and writing and drawing and all of the incredible talents we all have.

[tappity-tap]

FOREVER BElonging WITH YOU

PART IV - THE ISSUE

<< PART III || PART V >> Story Rating: M Chapter Warnings: Some sexual content, medical stuff, and illness. [This chapter has a little nsfw bit at the beginning but is otherwise sfw]

Nearly a month had passed since he and Rukia were officially confirmed as a married couple, and for Renji life had never been better.

 Waking up next to Rukia the morning after their wedding ceremony almost made him question the reality of it all. Not that this was the first time he’d woken up next to her…they slept side-by-side almost every night when they lived in the Rukongai, even huddled together under the same blankets on the nights the temperatures dropped below freezing.

 But they’d never woken up next to each other like this, naked and disheveled within their bed linens after spending the night joined together in a passionate physical affirmation of their love, until that day. Watching the sleeping form of his wife stir and give a peaceful sigh felt like a wonderful dream, and even more so when she opened her eyes and kissed him with a smile before they made love again in the glow of dawn.

 If this were a dream, he thought, holding her close while she softly moaned his name, he’d gladly remain asleep for the rest of time.

 He was still riding high on a heightened state of euphoria when he came back to work the following week and it was enough to endure the constant barrage of waggling eyebrows and sniggering comments directed at him, the most popular choice being the question of how Captain Kuchiki felt “now that his lieutenant was shacking up with his little sister.”  Whenever the topic came about, Renji would give a shrug and reply “Can’t say. Why dontcha ask him?”

 That usually shut them up.

 Speaking of the captain, being his superior’s brother-in-law was actually going better than anticipated. Even after the marriage was registered two weeks before the wedding their working relationship stayed pretty much the same as ever, though Renji did notice Byakuya now tended to shed a little more of his aloof persona once the door of the office closed and no one else was around to see. It wasn’t much but he would take it over nothing at all. That, and they saw more of each other outside the workplace.

 While Byakuya’s company wasn’t entirely unpleasant, it was the company of another that Renji truly yearned for, but as they were enlisted in different divisions they didn’t see each other much. He missed Rukia terribly during the days he was on duty and frequently found his thoughts turning to her, wondering things like what was she doing at the moment? Was she thinking about him, too? Should he seek her out during their lunch break? Maybe leave work early to pick her up and take her out to a nice (albeit budget-friendly) dinner? What should they plan on doing tomorrow for their day off? Train together?

 But then there were those other thoughts he had to quickly suppress before anyone noticed the hue of his face was coming dangerously close to matching that of his hair.

 It wasn’t that Renji only saw her in that way now, no, not at all.  It was more the newness of actually getting to explore this different facet of intimacy in their relationship after an eternity of celibacy that had him thinking about it more than he’d care to admit to anyone else.

 Once she was used to navigating the vast difference in their sizes, Rukia’s proficiency in the bedroom had quickly flourished. Soon their activities moved out of the bed and onto other places, like the floor. Or the wall. Or the bathtub (that, as it turned out, did indeed comfortably fit two people).

 And there was that one time their evening had started with making dinner together but ended with Rukia flung over the table screaming for more as he grasped her hips and furiously pounded her from behind.

 “Oh god, harder, Renji! Fuck me HARDER! YES! YES!” She threw her head back and moaned louder with each powerful thrust, even giving a cry of delight when he finally gave in to her multiple demands and planted a few quick open palm slaps on her ass. He was glad he relented on that one. The faint red marks they left behind were pretty hot for sure, but honestly, it would’ve been unfair of him to deny the birthday girl her special request.

 Renji eventually lost count of how many times he made her come that night (it was a lot) but he did at least learn she liked when he twisted his fingers through her hair and pulled her head back to kiss her, and if he bit down on just the right spot near the base of her neck as she was about to climax he could make her orgasm last nearly twice as long. Rukia learned how embarrassingly easy it was for her husband to become fully aroused and insatiably horny if she handled cucumbers a certain way.

 “Is something the matter, Renji?”

 “Ah NO! Not at all, Captain! All good here!” Renji cheerfully shuffled the papers in his hands and put on what he hoped wasn’t a grin that said “I was just thinking about how much your sister enjoys it when we get rough.”

 Byakuya’s eyebrow quirked up slightly but he said nothing else and went back to his forms.

 They continued their work in silence until a series of frantic knocks sounded on the office door, followed closely by an equally frantic, but still professional, voice. “Excuse me, Lieutenant Abarai! Captain Kuchiki! I have an urgent message from the 4th Division!”

 Renji froze. 4th Division messages like this only came if one of their subordinates had sustained critical or life-threatening injuries. A few deaths had even been reported to him during his tenure as lieutenant. He tried to rack his brain for any current dangerous missions that involved members of their division but came up empty.

 Byakuya glanced at him, then back at the door. “Enter.”

 The door opened and a young Shinigami with silvery blonde curls and tortoise shell glasses darted in. She knelt on the floor and proceeded to read from an unfurled scroll in her hands.

“From Captain Kotetsu Isane of the 4th Division: This dispatch is to inform Lieutenant Abarai Renji and Captain Kuchiki Byakuya of the 6th Division that Lieutenant Kuchiki Rukia, acting captain of the 13th Division, has been admitted to the our medical facilities for treatment of injuries sustained during morning training exercises-”

 The papers scattered noisily. Renji’s stomach lurched and he leapt to his feet with a roar, “WHAT? RUKIA? IS SHE ALRIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED?”

 He’d practically blown his voice with that outburst and his knuckles turned white and numb from how hard he gripped the edge of his desk but he didn’t care. If something bad happened to her…he couldn’t even finish that thought.

 The messenger flinched and nearly dropped her scroll. “I-I’m sorry, Lieutenant Abarai, I do not know the details of what happened.” She cleared her throat and finished relaying the memo to them in summary, “Lieutenant Kuchiki is in stable condition and we can confidently say her life is not in any danger. However, the captain detected some abnormalities in her reiatsu that made her very concerned. She is running tests as we speak.”

 There was some relief that came with knowing she wasn’t in a life-or-death state, but Renji still felt like he was going to simultaneously throw up and pass out from worry. His rapidly weakening legs may have very well given out from under him had a hand not reached out and firmly grasped his shoulder to steady him. Renji whipped his head around, startled.

 Byakuya’s expression was blank but Renji knew his captain was silently telling him to pull himself together, for both his sake and Rukia’s. He gave a terse nod once Renji managed to suppress most of the shaking. “Go. I will finish things here and meet you later.”

 Though he’d regained enough command over his major motor functions to keep himself upright, Renji’s voice still faltered. “Thank you, Captain,” he choked out, his tongue dry and stuck to the roof of his mouth. Byakuya’s grip briefly flexed in imitation of a reassuring squeeze before letting go.

Renji skirted around his desk, all the while yanking off his lieutenant badge and stuffing it inside his uniform since he was technically now off-duty. Thanks to a new law enacted shortly after the war with the Quincies, any Shinigami attending to an immediate family emergency was automatically relieved from their post, though because so few of them even had immediate families this regulation had seldom been invoked since its conception.

 The messenger scrambled to her feet and followed as he brushed past with a clipped “Let’s go.” She managed to stay even with his hastened stride until they got outside where she was swiftly left in the dust of his shunpo.

 Thanks to the extraordinary speed he’d developed from years of dedicated training, it took less than 20 seconds for him to make the journey to the 4th Division’s campus entrance, though he probably could’ve done it in half that time had it not been for his preoccupied thoughts siphoning away at his concentration. In terms of speed among the current group of higher ranked officers of the Gotei 13 Renji was confident he most likely fell within the top five. He couldn’t say this with absolute certainty, however, as he’d never had the opportunity to confirm if anyone besides Captain Soi Fon and his own captain could outpace him. Rankings accuracy aside, he was among the elite Shinigami who were regarded as “exceptionally fast.”

 So, understandably, he was amazed when the girl materialized next to him before he could even attempt to catch his breath. Even in the midst of such a critical situation the drill instructor side of him couldn’t help but be impressed whenever a young recruit showed promising talent.

 “You’re pretty quick,” he commented approvingly as she moved to unlatch the gate.

 She blinked up at him in surprise. “Ah…thank you, sir! It’s an honor to hear that from a ranked officer of your caliber!” Her bespectacled eyes shone with admiration.

 “Yeah,” Renji responded absently, now filling with an uneasy dread as the door groaned open.

 She beamed at him as they hurried inside and made haste towards the main medical building. “Don’t worry, Lieutenant Abarai! Lieutenant Kuchiki is in good hands. I’m sure she’s going to be fine!”

 “Yeah,” he repeated with even less certainty than before.

 By the time she dropped him off at the front entrance Renji was so on edge he barreled through the doors as nothing more than a black and red blur and charged straight past the terrified 4th Division staffers without a word. He didn’t bother stopping at the reception desk to ask which room Rukia was in. Not that it was necessary since he could just seek her out by reiatsu, anyway, and it didn’t take him long to pinpoint her location. With a little more focus, he was even able to pick up on the anomalies the messenger had mentioned.

 He immediately understood why Captain Kotetsu had been worried; he’d never felt anything like that from Rukia’s spiritual pressure before, or anyone else’s for that matter. It was definitely hers but at the same time, somehow, it wasn’t, as if someone was constantly adjusting a radio tuning dial so while the output and volume were the same, the frequencies were crossing and fading in and out. At one point, just for a split second, he even thought he felt a flicker that resembled his own reiatsu, though that was probably just his imagination playing tricks on his frantic brain.

 The door to her room had been left ajar so he slipped inside without a sound and almost collapsed from relief at the sight that greeted him. Next to the window Rukia lay in bed propped up by a fluffy white pillow, inert but fully conscious. The outer layer of her uniform had been removed and placed neatly folded on a chair in the corner. With her hands haphazardly draped across her lap and her head bowed, she painted the perfect picture of a droopy wilting plant until she sensed his presence and perked up instantly.

 “Oh, Renji. You’re here.” She gave a weary smile and automatically reached out to him.

 “Rukia,” his voiced cracked as he knelt by the bed and grasped her small hand in his,  “are ya hurt? What happened?” Trying his best to remain calm, he did a quick visual once-over. There weren’t any visible cuts or bruises on her skin nor was any part of her wrapped in bandages or covered in gauze. She did appear slightly paler than usual but as far as he could tell she was uninjured.

 Rukia bit her lip. “I must have over-exerted myself during training,” she admitted reluctantly. Seeing his eyes widen, she quickly added, “Don’t worry, Renji, I’m alright. Just tired. And nauseous.”

 His heart ached for her. Employing the only method he could think to help her feel better, he lifted her slender hand to his lips. Each knuckle in turn was garnished with a sympathetic kiss. “You got sick?” he murmured into the back of her palm.

 A soft finger stroking over his cheek let him know his sentiments had been received. “Once on the field and twice after coming here,” Rukia grimaced,  “but it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t feel like eating this morning, thankfully.”

 Renji was about to gently scold her for skipping breakfast when the cracked door flew wide open. Their joined hands dropped back onto the bed as the 4th Division’s lieutenant, Kotetsu Kiyone, waltzed in.  Kiyone happened to be the former co-3rd seat of the 13th Division, serving as Rukia’s superior at first, then later her subordinate when she received the promotion to lieutenant. They remained friends even after Kiyone’s transfer to the 4th to serve under her older sister, Captain Kotetsu Isane.

 “Kotetsu-dono!” Caught off guard as she was, Rukia looked genuinely pleased to see her and made to sit up straight.

 Kiyone waved a hand to signal that wasn’t necessary. “Kuchiki-san! How are you feeling?” she asked in an overly chipper tone that gave Renji the odd feeling something was going on that he wasn’t privy to.

 “Um…better. I still feel queasy though,” Rukia informed her.

 “Oh, yes. That’s to be expected.” Kiyone bounced around on the balls of her feet, looking back and forth between Renji and Rukia eagerly.

 Something was definitely up. Renji raised one eyebrow at her. “You look…happy.”

 “Mmhmm!” Kiyone clasped her gloved hands together and beamed as Captain Kotetsu entered the room and stood beside her sister. In her arms she held a clipboard, which she gave a quick once-over before greeting them warmly.

 “Abarai. Kuchiki.”

 They nodded respectfully as best they could given their current positions. “Captain.”

 “Well.” The captain lowered her clipboard. “The good news is, this is not an illness.”

 “So she’s fine? This’ll go away soon?” Renji demanded.

 Instead of giving him a straight affirmative answer, Captain Kotetsu looked to the side and drew in a deep breath. “Not…exactly,” she smiled, more to herself than them, “I’m afraid this will be very long-term.”

 Next to her, Kiyone was practically vibrating.

 Renji was thoroughly confused by everything that was currently going on around him. “Uh…Captain…I don’t understand…if she’s not sick…’an hang on, waddaya mean ‘long-term’?” he fumbled through each stilted question to the captain with a strained frown. Talking clearly while attempting to rationalize why the heads of the 4th Division were acting in such a bizarre manner was far more difficult than it looked.

 At that point, the suspense was too much for Kiyone to take anymore. With a squeak of excitement, she threw her hands up in the air and blurted out at him, “You’re having a baby! Isn’t it wonderful?”

 Rukia’s mouth fell open in shock.

 Renji stared at the gleefully bobbing girl before them. No, that couldn’t be…he was sure he hadn’t heard her right. Desperate to stay grounded in reality, he rubbed his eyes with his free hand and gave a rough clear of his throat. Twice. Then calmly, so he wouldn’t mishear anything this time, he lowered his hand to his knee, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry, what…?”

 The hopping faltered momentarily as Kiyone burst out laughing while waving her hand in front of her face. “Oh, I wasn’t very clear was I? Abarai-kun, you’re not having the baby, Kuchiki-san is!” She frowned and tapped her chin. “Hmmm…although I guess that sort of means you are, too, now that I think about it…”

 A bunch of asinine stuttering sounds warbled out of Renji’s gaping mouth. Everything in his vision was going fuzzy and a faint ringing noise started plaguing both ears. His head stiffly cranked itself to the taller of the two blurred shapes in front of him. “C-Captain…?” he croaked at it feebly.

 Captain Kotetsu nodded and stepped in front of Kiyone with a sheepish laugh. “I’m afraid it’s just as she said. Kuchiki is, without a doubt, carrying a child.” She raised her clipboard and produced a thick black pen from somewhere on her person to skim down the top page. “Mm, yes. We did run every test twice to make absolutely sure.  Though I must admit, at first the abnormal patterns to Kuchiki’s reiatsu made me think she might be…”

 Renji tried to listen to what the captain was saying but kept getting distracted by the slight problem of having trouble remembering how to breathe air. Meanwhile, Rukia’s wide violet eyes were steadily growing wider and she looked more and more like she was dangerously close to becoming ill again.

 “…and from what we’ve been able to determine, the fetus was likely conceived shortly before or around the time of your wedding,” Captain Kotetsu rambled on, oblivious to the fact that neither of the people she was addressing had absorbed a single word of what she previously said. The pen tapped several times on the clipboard before she gave them an apologetic glance. “Ah, it would help if you could give specific dates…?

 “Er…d-definitely…not…before…” Renji stammered and he was suddenly too mortified to look anyone in the eye. Rukia’s head thrashed rapidly from side to side in confirmation.

 “Oh, a wedding night baby! How nice.” The captain let out a laugh as silvery as her hair and jotted something down. Behind her, Kiyone flashed them an impressed thumbs up and mouthed Good job!

 For a while, the only sound in the room came from the scratching of Captain Kotetsu’s pen. Renji took the opportunity to glance sidelong at Rukia again. If he thought she looked pale before, she was now a shade whiter than the sheets she clutched to her trembling chin.

 “So…what now?” Renji asked uncertainly once the pen was lifted for good. He was trying his best to keep calm and collected, mainly for Rukia’s sake, but this was getting progressively more difficult as his head spun and his hand numbed from her tightening grip.

 “Well…once she feels better you can take her home. And…we will monitor her condition closely. Have her come in every few weeks or so. Oh, and Kuchiki, please don’t use your zanpakuto for a while or stress your reiatsu too much. Hmm…while you could still lead your division in the administrative sense, you should probably be taken off the active duty roster…” Captain Kotetsu sounded more like she was rattling off vague ideas than relaying a clear set of instructions.

 The couple’s rapidly increasing doubt must have been conveyed in their expressions for she quickly held up her hand in what she clearly thought was a confident gesture. “Now, I don’t want either of you to worry. It has been a while since we’ve dealt with a pregnancy, but…I’m sure we can handle it!” With a quick nod for emphasis and a gesture for her sister to follow, both captain and lieutenant exited the room.

 Unsurprisingly, they did not leave behind the most reassured of parents-to-be.

 “Renji…” Rukia breathed out once the door had clicked shut. It was the first time she’d spoken since Kiyone broke the news. “Are we…really having a baby?”

 Renji blew out a breath of his own. He didn’t know Captain Kotetsu as well as her sister (which was to say, not very) but he knew enough to be certain that she wasn’t the type for practical jokes.

 After briefly contemplating this, he sighed again. “Yeah…looks like it.” He ran his hand over his head and accidentally knocked his bandanas askew. There was no point in fixing them when he was shaking too much to tie a proper knot, not to mention his other hand was already currently occupied, so he didn’t even bother. They came off easily with one solid yank.

 Rukia watched the discarded fabrics drop noiselessly onto the bed beside her and nodded slowly.  “I see,” was all she said. One by one, her fingers unclenched and she lowered the now badly crimped sheet back into her lap. The feeling in Renji’s hand returned as her hold on him slackened as well.

 They were given approximately half an hour to digest this bombshell before Byakuya arrived. Most of that time was spent in reflective silence, broken only when an orderly came in to give Rukia a light meal and a tonic for her upset stomach, and again when the division’s third seat and their good friend, Yamada Hanataro, briefly poked his head in the room to voice his congratulations. Apparently, word had spread fast in the 4th Division.

 When Byakuya swept in, he was composed and calm as ever with only a small fluctuation to his normally steady reiatsu giving away how worried he actually was. “Rukia. You appear to be doing well,” he surmised after his eyes skimmed over her briefly. He didn’t even bother to acknowledge Renji. (Renji found this understandable; he wasn’t the one in the hospital bed after all.)

 “I am, Nii-sama, thank you,” Rukia answered a pitch higher than usual.

 Byakuya noticed, of course. His brow furrowed by the tiniest of fractions. “Have they determined anything?”

 “U-um…well…that is…” she hesitated. Renji could see the cogs working furiously in her head. He knew she most likely wanted to tell Byakuya as she respected him too much to keep anything this big secret but the shock of the unexpected diagnosis was throwing her for a loop.

 Not to mention, this was basically a flat-out admission to her own brother that they were sleeping together (which definitely wouldn’t be news to him seeing as he had been married once himself and knew exactly what activities were routinely practiced within a healthy marriage) but ever the easily embarrassed introvert, Rukia tended to keep a tight lid on every aspect of their private life together, even when it came to close friends. He doubted she’d said anything to Inoue yet or was ever planning on doing so in the future.

 Feeling just as apprehensive as she looked, Renji squeezed her hand and sighed reluctantly, “Might as well tell ‘im now, Rukia. It’s gonna come out eventually, anyways.”

 Renji’s presence was finally acknowledged by his captain looking at him in a way that made him very fearful of losing a good number of things attached to his body. “What does he mean by that?” Byakuya asked Rukia sharply while eyeing Renji’s uncharacteristically bared forehead with a mixture of suspicion and disapproval.

 Reassured by Renji’s prompting, Rukia took a deep breath and adjusted herself off the pillow to sit up straight to answer her brother. “Nii-sama…” she began, confidently as possible. Her voice held steady as she glanced at Renji, who gave her the most encouraging smile he could muster despite growing increasingly tense and more fidgety with each passing second. “It appears I am…with child.” Having said that, she looked back at Byakuya a little more reluctantly and bit her lip, a slight flush coming back to her colorless cheeks.

 Byakuya stilled. Slowly, his scrutinizing gaze left Renji and settled on his sister. Then for the first time that Renji could recall since the day he met him, his captain’s face softened completely and a tiny flicker of something akin to joy shone in his eyes. “You are with child?” he repeated in a hushed voice.

 If they’d been waiting for a sign from the universe, that was definitely it. At those four small words, all the tension in Renji’s shoulders instantly slid right off and evaporated into nothing. He knew by the small sigh Rukia let out that she had fully relaxed as well. The air itself even felt easier to breathe and move about in.

 It was apparent that, much like when they first got engaged, the majority of their anxieties had stemmed from the uncertainty of how Byakuya would take the news. But with that heartfelt response (for him at least), once again, they realized they had worried for naught. Of course he would be elated, even proud. True, the baby wouldn’t carry on the Kuchiki name, but seeing his beloved younger sister and trusted subordinate, whose union he had wholeheartedly (though somewhat ambiguously) blessed, content and thriving to the point of producing a child would certainly bring him at least some happiness.

 Now that the mental blockades barricading in their own feelings were lifted, nothing was left suppress them and they swiftly spilled over.

 “Yes.” Rukia looked back at Renji, her eyes starting to fill with moisture. From the pricking sensation in his own, Renji suspected he was on the verge of tearing up as well. “Renji and I…we’re having a baby,” she declared, her thumb absentmindedly caressing his knuckles. Excitement radiated from her, warm and bright, and it filled him completely until he felt like he would burst.

 Forgetting his captain, forgetting all the fear and worry that overtook them at first, forgetting Rukia had spent the morning throwing up, Renji leaned forward with a choking sob of a laugh and kissed her fiercely with everything he had. He couldn’t help himself. He had never loved her more than he did right at that moment.

 They became a family born from friendship as children, and now, as a man and woman united in love, they were creating an entirely new one. Everything in their lives, every hardship they’d endured and obstacle they’d faced and overcome, had led to this one thing: A single precious entity brought into existence by the bonds they shared.

 Rukia initially baulked in surprise at the action but soon let go of his hand and returned it with full fervor. Adoration, heartache, joy, pain, gratitude. All those feelings and more, they poured into that one kiss. Words alone could never be enough.

 “Ahem.”

 Renji started and broke away from Rukia with a wet smack! They both turned towards the source of the cough with eyes half-lidded and hands still tangled through each other’s tresses.

 Byakuya stood awkwardly over them, shoulders rigid and eyes deliberately averted.

 “I believe…I am needed elsewhere,” he told them flatly, still refusing to grace them with his gaze, “Rukia, see to it you get your rest. Renji…” his eyes closed and his voice dropped slightly in warning, “…make sure you don’t disturb her.” Without further ado, Byakuya turned on his heel with a quiet “Congratulations” and headed for the door.

 Renji winced guiltily and let go of Rukia. “Understood, Captain. Thank you.” he replied stiffly with his hands folded obediently in front of him, while a thoroughly reddened Rukia lay back on her pillow with a respectful “Yes, Nii-sama.”

 After Byakuya left the room, however, they were somewhat less compliant.

Author’s Notes: Anything Byakuya does is my second favorite part of WDkALY and now he’s becoming one of my favorite characters to write little snippets for.

Normally I’m not one for featuring non-canon characters but Hanataro just didn’t quite fit in the role of someone Renji would have any sort of affectionate mentor/parent-like feelings towards so the messenger ended up being some random 4th Division newbie. We don’t know her name though because Renji forgot to ask. lol

Also remember how I mentioned in the notes for Part II that this title is like a mega pun? Go look up all the meanings of “issue” and you’ll see what I’m talking about. XD

Continued in [PART V- THE DENIAL]

[ltsaradharkness]

job hunt and writing etc.

so i interviewed with dollar general [ mar 31] and ive interviewed with lowes [april 12th] (did a part of an interview  with Walmart but that wouldn't go anywhere so i moved on) haven't heard from with and was about to start doing more apps again when i got an email tonight to see about an interview with plant partners are lowes near me. gotta call in the morning and see what time she can meet but maybe ill have a job by the end of the week that would be super since today the other owner of the company i was working for called me and asked if id be willing to come back and work for them again. and im standing there have a mild panic attack because of it. and then writing this is getting my heart rate up too. now i need a job i just paid my bills for April and there isn't going to be enough left to pay any in may i owe two months of rent and utilities  and if i lived outside of a family arrangement it would be a bigger deal then it is. i cant stand not paying rent though, i feel like even more of a burden. 

now i have a couple of ideas for stories that are running tho my head and keep spitting out little dapple scenes or lines for this one particle, so im gonna try and right it and then see what i can do about posting it. mostly ive been reading all kinds of things stories im subscribed too or just searching pairing and reading every interesting story on ao3 i can find or looking at tons of art here. 

have a huge list of things outside and inside of the house i need to do. actually got some of it done these last three days but still have way more to do. 

just need to get up and stop letting my depression and anxiety keep me from my life and feeling like im getting anything done. i usually feel better if i do. usually. sometimes once im done for the day and woke up the next day its like its back for revenge. seems i always need a push a must do motivator. like going to work, just because i hate it doesnt mean i work do it. i must do it so i do it. the last two years of this last job have made that very hard. but i will get on with my life and i will keep trying i know what kinda jobs i can do and what kinda places will hire me and i dont waste my time applying to places that dont or wont hire me. 

[strawberryspeachy]

So far on the boys ive talked to in japan - aside that teacher

1) around september i decided to look at whose on tinder. One boy i matched with talked to me and didn’t stop responding upon finding out i was not japanese. He helped me with a couple japanese phrases - telling me what sounded most natural. Asked me if i lived alone. Said he wanted to meet me.... asked if i was free that week. I said yes. I gave him a couple days that i was off. He never responded again - that was about 5-6~ days into talking

2) october i went to a club... after a disappointing night i talked to the cute ... not bar person but like he was on the floor. I thought he’d walk away but he got all happy and kept moving close to me to talk. It being too loud combined with my poor japanese and his no english meant we used google translate to talk mostly. Added each other on instagram and he said he’d like to hang out sometime. I asked about a few days and he pulled out his calendar and both were days he worked- he had two jobs. He said we’ll figure out a time later. We had some conversations on instagram. Then after a couple weeks his stories always showed him with friends. I asked him a couple times when he was free and he said he was working all the time. After another weekish of that i said it seemed that he had time to see his friends but not me. And he basically just said yep

3) december i got back on tinder. But for real. Not just a qick swipe through. Talked to the next guy with a bunch of other dudes. Was just talking. Trying to improve my english. Hoping someone would ask me to go eat with them since that is what id written on my profile. This boy asked me to hang out. We’d talked more and more over the two weeks and he said he really wanted to see me. But he couldnt cause he was working too much. Then he told me when he has a break. I had the flu at the same time and told him id tell him when i was better and he got sweeter and sweeter toward me. Then we talked on the phone and it was awkward and difficult cause my japanese not being great is even worse when i cant gesture. But it went well. Then. Suddenly. Over text the tinder boy - lets have sex! - bs came up. I said i didnt want to the first time we meet and i wanna just talk. He asked a couple more times about it and then agreed. The day before we talked on the phone again - he suddenly said he had to take another call and hung up and then didnt say anything else the rest of the night. I freaked out a bit that night thinking hed stopped talking to me. But the next morning he messaged me like nothing happened. Didnt even want to acknowledge my freak out aside from telling me not to think so much.

We met up. He took me to a shrine. We got fortunes and ties them to a tree... then he took me to his apartment... fast... he said he wanted to watch movies together.... bought... chocolate. I mean great but i wanted real food i was hungry. Then. He kept trying to have sex with me. So many times just pushed and pushed. Would not take no for an answer. Finally when... he was trying to take off more of my clothes and i wouldnt let him and said no again. He asked if i had my period. And only stopped after i said i did. Kept trying to pursuade me to give him a blowjob.

Before that... he asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he was moving soon and asked me to move in with him. Told me hed be workig two jobs for the rest of january so we couldnt meet again till February...

Anyhow after i kept saying no to a blow job and other stuff happened i asked him if we could go get food. He said he didnt have money and cooked bad ramen on the stove and french fries... he drank a bunch of alcoholic. We watched some music videos and he went to sleep.

When he kinda seemed to wake up i tried to make a point of me leaving. He just acted kinda annoyed that he had to even still deal with me being there at that point and ignored me while trying to sleep... he ghosted me right in front of me

He replied to my text the next day with some nonsense and about a week later he told me about his apartment plans. He sent one last text about it before... never responding again

I let it be for the next four weeks... till the days he was supposededly done working two jobs and couls see me again. Hed made story postings during this time

But yea. Never replied to me again

4) some boy who wanted to get better at english cause hes moving to the us. We talked on the phone a couple times near christmas. He complained about not having a gf and said he wanted to hang out. But the times i asked he was “busy”. We hung out once... played darts. He said he didnt want to drink cause he drank the night before and he ate before meeting me so left early.... said next time. There was never a next time.

5) some guy i talked to a bit. He asked to meet up. I agreed. Took a whole for us to find each other cause he kept...... hanging up the phone on me.... he didnt look like his pic and he dressed weird. He basically hailed me over when he found me and then walked fast so that i basically had to chase him around. He was one of those dudes that walks with his hands out like people are supposed to move for him. After about 20 minutes of that he told me to wait while he pretended to get a call and then told me his dog is sick and he needed to leave to take her to the hospital. He said well meet again. Never saw him again not that i wanted too.

6) talked to another boy for a couple weeks. Just about fun stuff it was good conversation. We talked about music and movies and murder mystery parties. About our days and just generally the kind of good conversation you have with friends. Around the third week we talked about meeting... but. Then. Tinderboy - i wanna have sex! Came into the convo... i told him i had my period and asked if we could go out to drink instead. He said lets drink before we do next week. Whatever. Next week comes around. Same good conversation everyday. The day of comes and he responded to me in the morning reconfirming the time and place and stuff. Once the time to meet rolled around. No response. I called him a couple times more so to bitch him out. He blocked me.

7) some other dude. We talked a bit. He asked me to go out to eat. Post poned 3 times that night cause he was working later than he was supposed to. I was so hungry. No he didn’t wanna go out to eat. Bought me some convience store food and barely let me finish eating before hooking up... he said thanks to my happy birthday message. But otherwise we havent talked again. Even though hes a ten minute walk away.

8) then of course theres the absolutely adorable boy who took me out on the date of my dreams.... until he silently walked me the train station. Said bye. And now has slowly ghosted me all week. He just unmatched me on tinder after i asked about it so. Guess he’s gone. Which has me feeling fucking terrible.

9) talked to a guy a couple days ago. He asked if i wanted to hook up. I basically agreed. I WANTED HUMAN CONTACT ON VALENTINES DAY. He told me beforehand he was only free for a couple hours. Asked if i wanted him to pick me up the night before buttttt i got my hair treated and shouldnt sweat so i said it was too late and i needed to sleep. He met me. Late. At the station and walked me back yo his apartment after i was done work. One of my students saw me with him... embarrassing. We talked a lot. Hes the oldest guy ive ever... anything. Though still just 29. It would have been a good conversation if... i didnt know he asked me to come have sex and then never made a move. An hour and a half in he suddenly went

Oh its the time! Sorry go. I should have agreed to his request for yesteday instead of insisting on friday.

Ive been freaking out about 8 and i messaged him asking if he lost interest in me. He never responded to my message asking if he wanted to hookup yesterday. He didnt respond for 20 minutes and then i said either say yes or no so im not waiting. And he almost immediately responded with no. So. Idk.

10) talked to some dude from hong kong yesteday. He messaged me first saying he doesnt like japan and just came for the food. Ive been crying all day and basically hust bitched about japan to him. Apparently he doesnt actually dislike japan... he just doesnt like the bidets.... and i told him my home life sucks so im here but here sucks too so wtf. Ya know. Things that are totally attractive go someone you started talking to a half an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk about food. Im good at food talk ok. Then asked if i wantrd to meet up and look for cake with him. Sure. Shinjuku. The same placd i met 5 and 3. Thought id break the- everytime i come to this city im depressed. Cause before them the last time i went to shinjuku in the summer. I couldnt find the clothes shops i was looking for. There were couples all around me. And it was the first day in japan i felt so utterly and truely miserable and alone and like nothing in my life was better. I was still hoping at that point that the teacher i worked with would go with me and show me around and i left thinking next time i go itll be better cause i wont be alone.

Well shinjuku appears to be bad luck for me. I got stressed trying to find this boy and sounded like it over the phone. But he still met up with me. I brought him some snacks from the baskery near me on my way. We talked. He speaks english. But he just asked about my job... how do you get it. Is it hard. Whats its pay.

I walked past a cake shop on my way to meet him and i showed him the cakes he said he really wanted. He said he didnt bring much cash so he didnt want it.... k i thought that was the point of this trip but whatever. He asked me if i was hungry three times. I said i ate before coming because normally when i meet people we dont eat and i go hunry. I left out the YOU SAID YOU WANTED CAKE!!! Part. He said he was hungry but didnt want me to not eat while he did. So i told him to find a place with desert and ill eat desert while he eats a meal. Were walking. This is about 25 minutes in and he starts to complain his legs hurt and that hes tired. Another 10 minutes pass and he complains more about how he feels like hes floating and his shoes dont fit. I see mcdonals and say i know this is lame but ive kinda been craving a big mac. Its fine if not cause ya know your visiting japan but would you want mcdonals. He jokes about it and then goes yea i could go for a bigmac. We get in the store and he tells me to go. And i tell him to go ahead first. Then he says no he feels sick and doesnt want to eat.... tells me to eat... the exact situation he didnt want earlier

Hm. Gee. I wonder whats coming. I say i only wanted to eat cause he said he was hungry. We leave and then he says maybe its tmi but - proceeds to tell me about being constipated. I didnt try to listen. Btw he was 6’4 and kinda difficult to hear if i didnt try. I wrap that up with. Yea i think that was a tmi story but good for you. Cause the gist of it was that he could shit now.

Then. You know its coming. He says hes gonna go home. I stop acting happy. I told myself the next time this happened id confront them.

We met up at 7 and it was now like 7:50. My train is 10 bucks round trip.

But. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

All i could say after a while of kinda just going silent was - whyd you ask me to meet if you were so tired.

And he aaid cauae walking around japan alone isnt fun. Yeah mean i know. I said that to you over text earlier.

I asked him if i dont look like my pic. He says i look exactly like my pic.

I say a few times before ive met up with guys and we never talk again. And he goes - well youre meeting strangers and sometimes it just doesnt click

He unmatchd me the moment he got on his train. I imagine were still friends on snapchat cause he probably deleted it since he redownloaded it to talk to me

So yea. Same experiences as back home because im me and i will always be cursed and miserable. I dont wanna sleep cause im waiting to see when that boy in 8 will block me on line... cause i sent alot of messages. It doesnt help me to know when.... but.... ya... idk. Someone shoot me please

[paulsolorzano]

01.31.19

So when Axxxxx found out she was pregnant when we were in Fairbanks in Alaska we got a pregnancy app to chart the baby’s progress. 

The baby was due two weeks ago. 

I knew the date was coming up and it’s depressing to think about on multiple levels. Remind me to talk about it. 

—-

Was supposed to hang with Cxxxxxxx tonite but Kxxxx actually wants to see me and was asking me about it so, I’m gonna have to get out of it with her. 

Cxxxxxxxx hit me up on Facebook messenger asking if I still wanted to hang. I haven’t responded yet. 

—-

Ive been to this Starbucks so many times that the guy Josh, calls me by my name when he sees me in the camera, and knows my drink here. 

I don’t know what to think about that. 

It speaks something about my habits of course. In a sense I was happy to hear my name and my drink, but it’s like goddam, is this my life?

—

I need to remind myself not to be the old server. 

—

Still need to tell Cxxxxxxxx I need to take a rain check 

 What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Jeff Rosenstock show and how inspiring it was

Not having a baby with Axxxxx instead of having one

“Don’t be the old server”

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST-

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.30.19

I can’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up; it doesn’t matter because I’m not whatever it was. 

This storage space elevator smells like sweaty bodies. 

-//

Plugging along on the I-4 westbound. Something up the way is really holding up the traffic. Luckily I have my music. 

Aaron Tobin called me to let me know his (and our to an extent) boy Todd, died of a massive heart attack. He was Tobins age, 39 maybe 40. 

To be fair this guy was huge his whole life and also on drugs. He had he heart attack in jail from what I understand. He turned himself in for a warrant he had going. 

Wild shit. Living long enough for people to be dying around us 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Jeff Rosenstock show and how inspiring it was

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST-

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ It’s like somebody traded out my skin, for something I could never feel good in” -Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.29.19

Jeff Rosenstock tonite. I finagled three tickets from a friend online, for me and Danielito and Kristy, but unfortunately they can’t make it. 

So I’m going solo. Asked a couple girls on the roster but no luck so far. And it’s that time. So I’ll be forging on alone. 

Gotta get earplugs. 

—-

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ we’ll diffuse bombs, run marathons, and take on whatever together” - Grandaddy 

“Wizards, stop throwing fruit at me!” - Reggie and the full effect  

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.28.19

Monday. I’m off. Had plans with Mxxxx in the morning but she’s taken ill. 

I tentatively have plans with Kxxxx tonite, which I need to attempt to solidify tonite. Ok, the text has been sent: “hangs tonite?”

Easy enough. 

She already asked about Monday on Sunday morning after Saturday night hangs and bangs. 

Waiting on her response. Listening to Mary Hopkin. This shit is my new shit, which is old shit like back in 1969. Produced by Paul McCartney is definitely why I like it. 

—-

Of course this is all happening at my storage space. This is where I hang currently. Since I’ve been back to Orlando. I hang here with my shit and wrote and do art and catalogue and attempt to trim down and move shit around to maximize the space. 

—

So back to the Kxxxx thing, she’s ill too. Everyone is sick for some reason. I’ve always been a carrier, rarely getting ill myself. 

—

Had a conversation with Cxxxxxxxx. She was upset about a week ago when she perceived me to be placing blame on her when she couldn’t hang out spur of the moment. 

So I waited almost a week and she didn’t text or message me once. 

So I wrote her. She’s pretty much embittered by a lot of previous bull shit that other people have heaped on to the pile. 

Now I suffer for the sins of the last person. 

To be fair she was super in to me when we met and I sort of nipped the ‘let’s hop into a relationship immediately after she gets out of one’ enthusiasm in the bud. 

So, she seems to be indifferent to me, and more broadly, people in general. Hard to say. 

I don’t really need to put that much emotional energy into it, as I have other more interested coals in the fire. 

But she’s grown on me. So there’s that. 

I’m not trying to abandon any of the women I get involved with. 

Do I want to commit to any of them fully? At present, no.

And naturally I think of Axxxxx. Always her. She blew my hair back. I blew it with her. 

—-

There’s a cute Hispanic girl in this Denny’s right now, sitting alone and watching Futurama. I keep glancing over there to watch. 

Also the girl who just came in for her shift at 11:00 has just left hurriedly in tears. I have no damn clue what the hell happened. 

  What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Blink-182 enema of the state 

Weezer - blue album 

Mary Hopkin - post card

Deadmau5 - Polar: Music from the Netflix film

Dream tiger - dream tiger 

Lorn - ask the dust 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Reggie and the full effect - songs to not get married to

Reggie and the full effect - promotional copy 

Big business - command your weather 

Piebald - we are the only friends that we have 

Watching:

Step Brothers

Reading: 

Eating:

Denny’s mozzarella sticks and coffee   

Playing:

Purchases:

Paul McCartney Wings 45s

Record sleeves for 33s and 45s  

Packages received: 

Jeff rosenstock - POST casette

Wings - silly love songs 45 rpm

Mary hopkin- those were the days 45 rpm

Snow White seven dwarves figs 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Welcome to your life; there’s no turning back” - tears for fears 

“ I’m like everybody else; as a shamed of sleep I lie when a phone call wakes me” - WHY? 

Quote of the day: 

“This house is a prison! On planet Bullshit!” - Brennan and Dale, Step Brothers

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.27.19

Cold and wet all day today. Truly a day where it rained all day. 

Spent the night at Kxxxx’s house. Who’s Kxxxx you ask? She is from the internet dating app OkCupid. I broke one of my own rules and slept over there. And this was last night, which was also the first night i met her in  person and also the first time we had sex. 

I say the first time assuming there will be more times. She and I definitely get along. It’s weird because she reminds me of Holly D in several ways. 

First off Kxxxx body is kind of shaped like Holly’s. She’s taller than I am. Big tits and ass. Back tattoo from what I could gather 

 01.26.19

I do everything high these days. I’m here at Orlando you and comic con hittin the pen hard. Already smoked before I left the house. 

This con is good because it’s smaller and I can make trips back to the car to bring back stuffs I’ve gotten. So I don’t have to roll around with a backpack. 

—-

At chipotle now. Had to drive to get here. Just up the road from the mall. I don’t know if I’ll go back to the con. Technically it goes til 7 but idk. 

—-

Spent a lot of fucking money today but I knew that was happening 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Basia Bulat - good advice 

Weezer - teal album 

The octopus project 

Peter Adams - the spiral eyes 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“This is a womanly car” - me taking about Tina Watkins car that I drive around like an asshole. 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.25.19

I put the coins that I had organized fell yesterday into the sheets, I stuck them and the paper money into a three ring binder I got from Office Depot yesterday. 

I don’t want to work today but I must. 

Until I innovate my way out of this, I have to work for the man. Remember that you asshole, the next time you cry about it. 

—-

Chilled at the space and made some room for stuff. Slowly and surely ditching stuff 

—- 

got called off from work today in a Friday. I haven’t worked all week because reasons.  I asked for a couple days off to to the Neil DeGrasse Tyson thing, and the Orlando toy and comic con thing. I didn’t get get the two days off when Yaqeen did the schedule because he’s a Derp and does everything by hand. So I had two other days off, and then got the two off that I needed by dropping the shifts.  So I ain’t done shit all week. I’m gonna continue that trend into tomorrow at the con.  

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Wings - band on the run 

Katamari forever OST

Buffalo daughter - captain vapour athletes 

Weezer - teal album 

Nada surf - the weight is a gift 

Basia Bulat - good advice 

The Beatles - magic mystery tour 

No joy  - wait to pleasure 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“you’re not wide anymore; you’re skinny fat” - Yaqeen talking about me 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.24.19

Been on the pen/flower pretty solid since October when I got back from Alaska. Hell, even Alaska I was on the wax daily. 

I guess I’ve been medicating myself. 

Working on a sketch. I missed a couple days but I did one last night also:

Ok and here’s today’s: 

I’m trying to find my groove with what I want to do with all these sketches. Basically I’m just sketching shit I see. 

Sketching? Drawing? I don’t even know what to say here haha. 

And I made another 

—-

Going to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson tonite. This will be the third time I’ll have seen him. 

I was hoping Axxxxx would be in the mix at this point because she was with me the first two times. Now, if I hadn’t have fucked up recently, she probably would be with me tonite. Goddammit me. So, my one and only boy Tobin is gonna come with me. 

It’ll be nice because we haven’t seen each other in a hot minute. Ever since he got that girlfriend of his haha. Now they are in that ‘up each other’s ass’ phase.  

Update: it would seem Neil will not be speaking tonite after all. Amidst recent allegations in the last few months, he postponed/canceled his shows: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2018/12/13/neil-degrasse-tyson-cancels-orlando-appearance-following-sexual-misconduct-accusations%3fmedia=AMP%2bHTML

So that is sad fucking news, especially since I’m finding out today and not a month and a half ago. I mean I knew about the allegations but didn’t think it would come to this. 

Another thing that chapped me is that Aaron Tobin fucking bailed on me before I found this out. Granted I only asked him yesterday but damn he seems to let me down a lot when there’s a specific date and time involved. 

—/

I put my paper money and coin collection in these plastic inserts

Now the only thing that blows about these inserts is that the tops don’t seal, so this shit has to be flat or upright at all times. This isn’t too bad for the paper money but clearly there could be an issue for the coins.  I later got a three ring binder to stick the inserts in. 

Also I took pics of all the packages received today. Mostly records. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Weezer - teal album 

Veil of Maya - false idol

Black octopus lipstick project - foam party 

The octopus project 

CSS - Cansei de Ser Sexy

OCEANLANE - crossroad 

The Vienna philharmonic - Beethoven’s 5th symphony

No joy & sonic boom - ep  

Teddybears - soft machine 

Watching:

Rick and Morty season 3 blu ray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Weezer black album vinyl pre order (2 colors)

Weezer black album cassette pre order 

Packages received: 

Lots of records from joyful noise 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.23.19

The first Amanda messaged me today accusing me of stealing her loop station. I never took the thing at all. Haven’t even thought of the thing for years. She said she is gonna to file a report and mention my name to the police. 

I don’t know what her deal is. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

WHY? - sandollars ep

Marijuana deathsquads - oh my sexy lord 

STNNNG - empire inward 

Vaz - necessary, pt. 2

Alias & doseone - less is orchestra 

The octopus project 

Peter Adams - the spiral eyes 

Teddy bears - soft machine 

Gnarls Barkley - st. Elsewhere  

Veil of Maya - false idol 

Mary Hopkin - post card 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“Hey if a serial killer/murderer/etc fits the profile exactly but has never killed, what does that make them ?” Me to Mxxxx 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.22.19

Wish I could eat chips and get fat right now. 

I went a million places today. The altamonte mall. Starbucks. These two were part of a date with Mxxxx, who I really enjoyed hanging with. She is married and its all legit. Like they both see other people and shit. So this could be good for me. 

Then did the white girl tour to tj maxx and Ross. Also before that early in the afternoon after Mxxxx I went to bright light books. 

Went a little overboard on buying shit today. Oops. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail better heal faster 

The octopus project 

American football - LP3 pre release song

Wings - wings over America 

Status quo - rocking all over the world 

Xavier Cugat jungle drums 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Bright light books:

Art toy picture book

Avocado cookbook (for Mxxxx)

Wings: wings over America vinyl record 

Omg thrift 

These weird soft vinyl Snow White dwarves figures 

Clear makeup bag with

Kay Johnson vinyl record (with writing on the cover, a dedication to two ladies named carol and Donna)

Ross

NASA shirt 

Super NES controller shirt 

Super Mario shirt 

TJ MAXX

Vaporwave lookin Tokyo shirt 

Vaporwave lookin eyes shirt 

Marilyn Monroe skeleton with hair shirt 

Black stretch pants 34 inch waist for the first time whoop!

These fake ass sweat pants 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“When I try to be clear with you, I only end up being see through” -American football 

Quote of the day: 

“When I put my Makeup on, I take so many selfies” - male barista at the Starbucks by the Altamonte mall

“My dad was awesome. He loved pistachios and Star Wars. Only imparted one of those loves onto me. He is no longer with us, but his memory lives on through red pistachios that also no longer exist.” - Mandyism

“The problem with that idea is that I don’t have a penis. I’m sorry. It wouldn’t be a fair game.” - Mandyism

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.21.19

The girl who works here only a couple days a week, Ebony, just took a tour of the inner workings of my storage space. This was her asking if she could look at my stuffs. 

Today’s and yesterday’s sketch:

This of course being Buff Monster and Frank Kozik inspired; and my Bose sound speaker I’ve been doing and my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Oh and the motorcycle license plate from Alaska. I had a Tupperware full of em mixed, here’s the reference: 

And then this was me and my McNugget kick of course. A packet of mayonnaise and a vinyl record, and the remote to the tv 

—/

Spent a good chunk of the day chatting with some potential dates. Mostly with a girl named Mxxxx, who is in a consensual non-monogamous marriage. She has kids also. It’s weird because she seems really into me and we are meeting tomorrow at 12:30pm. I’m excited to see what comes of this. 

-//

I’m  so excited about finding this Picasso print at goodwill today: 

Here it is hung up 

And here it was right before I stuck it in the car to take it home. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Mineral - one day when we are young 

Wizo - uuaarrgh!

Beck - morning phase 

MF DOOM - operation doomsday 

Tame impala 

Sheena Ringo (as suggested by Ebony who works at public storage)     

The octopus project 

Tame impala - lonerism 

Astronautica - Gemini 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV: 

Did a nice glam on ALC also

Purchases:

Bougie goodwill off Orlando ave in winter park:

Pocahontas toy 

Assorted comic books 

Picasso framed print 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Steady like a tricycle”

“Hoes get ripped off like Nicorette”

“Every day feels like an off day, with Ferris bueller”

mf doom

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.20.19

In line at Animal Kingdom helping my boy Orlando get in with his family.

I’m  parked in giraffe 41-49

It’s way too early for me to be awake. 

And I have to work. Aaaand I’m covering some lunch shift for my other boy Tom who has been feeling ill. 

—//

Did the animal kingdom thing. 

Did the afternoon lunch work thing. 

Got called off for dinner because it was slow apparently. 

Came home and let the roommate use her own car that I’ve been renting weekly. 

—

Still working on cleaning and bagging those 45s my mother left to me by way of Danielito

—

So, I would say it’s time for me to maybe make a shortlist of women I’m dating/working on dating. I’ve got a few hat I’ve closed already and some still in the works so let’s see here:

(shortlist omitted)

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Animal Kingdom

Listening to:

The octopus project - hello avalanche 

Hey Mercedes - ep

Hey Mercedes - everynight fireworks  

No doubt - tragic kingdom

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

McNuggets 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.19.19

The last couple nights in a row, Yaqeen has called me and asked specifically what I have done to further the business, Deep Space Ventures. This is good and bad that the has asked me. Bad because I haven’t done jack shit; good because he is holding me accountable. And it is giving me a little hurt to not do anything. So I will have to forge ahead. He is trying to better himself and make me be better too. Good shit. 

—-

I go to Dunkin’ Donuts just about every day to get a coffee. I stare at these fucking donuts and contemplate ordering a dozen and saying fuck all to my diet. 

The moment had already passed. 

I have to say I feel like I’m doing ok with this ketogenic diet. 

—

Just saw a new white Honda Accord. Or was it a civic? Either way it reminded me of the second Amanda. Miss that chick too. 

Remind me to tell you about the second Amanda sometime. 

Sketch of the day:

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

The octopus project - hello avalanche  

The octopus protect - one ten hundred thousand million 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“For all we know, these days are all numbered But things could get better I know Cause I'll be the first and the last one to go Lord it's a cruel, cruel world For all we know These days are all numbered And things will get better I hope Cause I'll be the first and the last one to go Lord it's a cruel, cruel world without love” 

- further seems forever 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.18.19

Sketch of the day: I was doing laundry at a mat on Mills right there by colonial. The 7-Eleven recently closed down after being there for fucking  ever. So I sat there in between the wash and the dry.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to accomplish with these sketches other than practicing. I would like to get to a decent level. 

Something to do while I’m alive. 

It’ll come in handy when I start making the toys also. Good stuff for cardbacks 

—

Donated some more shit. Slowly clearing it out. Gonna list some 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail better heal faster 

ALL - problematic 

Rex Orange County - apricot princess 

Mineral - the power of failing 

Wings - Venus and Mars 

Sparklehorse - it’s a wonderful life 

J Dilla - welcome 2 Detroit 

JJ DOOM - Key to the kuffs

Duendita - direct line to my creator 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

Mineral 25 years and new single

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Slap my face, just to feel” - Jimmy Eat World 

“May all your days be gold my child” - Sparklehorse

“Come my beautiful alien, touch me with your light” - Weezer 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.17.19

Sketch of the day locked in; I did Orko from masters of the universe, from the action figure I found yesterday:

And of course the source material

So I’m on my way to sketching I suppose. Leveling up my art abilities? 

—

Minus the bear farewell concert:

My brother and I caught MTB on their farewell tour in Tampa back in November I think it was? I’ll have to check the date. 

Anyway it was nice to spend time with him at a concert out and about. It was part of my attempt to stop being a dead beat sibling. 

He and I have seen them numerous times over the years. 

—

I ReDennised Andrea Zimmerman just now. Remind me to go and append the list.  Stuck on I-4 traffic on the way home from her place. 

My exit was closed for construction so I had to take a big ass detour. I dint even care but I thought it was notable. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

  Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

J Dilla - donuts

Jeff Rosenstock - worry 

Quasimoto - the further adventures of lord quas

AJJ - bible 2

Wings - at the speed of sound 

Ok go - ok 

Trent reznor - bird box original score 

Ok go - oh no

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Wheat grass juice powder 

Boston market 

 Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.16.19

The fucking stench of fake buttered popcorn. The Altamonte Springs mall. This is my current hip spot to hang out alone at. 

Escape as a coping mechanism. 

I pretend I’m just this guy who goes through life as an observer. Which I’m not really too far from pretending lately. 

—-

You only ever see kids with short haircuts. Short little asshole haircuts. 

—/

“Found a couple discounted figs,

Sat in the massage chair with no massage,

Renamed all the restaurants in the food court 'sugar',

Decided I want subscriptions to art and toy themed magazines,

And coffee. “ - excerpt of a text from Cxxxxxxxx asking me how the mall was. 

—-

Sketch of the day is done:

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bomb the music industry - adults 

Bomb the music industry - get warmer 

The arrogant sons of bitches - The arrogant sons of bitches!

Fail better, heal faster 

Deftones - gore

The strokes - is this it

Jaylib - champion sound 

In my room Apple Music playlist 

Favorites playlist Apple Music 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/cucumber/lemon juice/stevia drink also been adding carrot and beet lately

Starbucks venti cold brew with heavy cream and an espresso shot

Chicken nuggets from McDonald’s 

Cauliflower Mac and cheese I made 

Top shoulder loin 

Shrimp on top

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Super 7 Masters of the universe action figures:

Orko

Evil-Lyn

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Mold and nice and stolen bikes

And a van everyone wants to break in to” - slumlord by bomb the music industry!

“Well I heard that you found somebody else 

At first I thought it was a lie” - the 1975

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.15.19

Fake funny depression. Meme depression. People taking some dark shit and slapping an out of context caption and making light of it. 

It’s not the worst idea. 

Yeah everything is shit sometimes but do I want to off myself because I don’t have a pile of money to sleep on? 

The answer is hell to the no. 

—-

Yaqeen set it up last night so I didn’t have to work today. Corporate is in town and I’m just avoiding it all haha. Next few days off also. So that’ll take care of that. 

What I need to do now is attempt to pick up at Yamasan just to have a couple extra bucks. 

Just spoke to tobin briefly; he is definitely up his girlfriends ass haha. I’m ok with it. I suppose it’ll do some good for him seeing as it’s been forever since he’s: a)had a girlfriend b) gotten laid on the reg. 

Also spoke to Frank; Microchip passed away very recently. His dog of 13 years or so. Back when Daylight District was  still in effect. 

Remind me to tell you about when I was in bands. 

—-

Naomi Singleton ‘broke up’ with me today. We only met the one time. After months of talking. She didn’t like being deceived by my fake age on Okc. Also she claims she broke out in cold sores after seeing me and kissing me. I’ve never had a single sore anywhere so unless I’m some wild carrier, she is mistaken. 

Her perception is her reality however. And I did burn her with the age thing. 

I’m considering putting my age to normal age. 

—

Made a first sketch today. The storage space wall and the table with some shit on it 

So hopefully I can try to do one a day for fun. I went to Michaels as well and picked up a few gel pens. 

Remind me to tell you where all my art supplies are. (Spoiler alert; they’re being held hostage by Axxxxx if she hasnt chucked em out. If anything she’s probably assimilated them into her own art shit. 

—-

Just saw a hotpot place I’ve never seen before here on kirkman. Instantly thought of going there with Axxxxx. I miss her.  

—

Went on a date 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Spoke to Frank about letting him know what I’ve been up to

To discuss still: 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Ale house in Kirkman for a date 

Listening to:

PUP - PUP 

PUP - the dream is over 

PUP - kids (single off the new record)

Deadmau5 - for lack of a better name deadmau

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool? 

First Astronomical Velocity - galaxy one

NOFX - punk in drublic 

NOFX - Pump up the Valiuum

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

THE NEW PUP RECORD!! preorder 

A couple books from brightlight books

Van Gogh  in Arles 

Knuckleheads graphic novel 

The 100 best business books of all time 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“The universe is unforgiving and a dick

So we’ll do our best to live” - fail better heal faster 

“ You know I’ve never been good at anything

Except for fuckin up and ruining everything” - PUP 

“We’re on an ultralight beam

This is a god dream” - Kanye West, life of Pablo 

Quote of the day: 

“I can turn you into poetry 

But I can’t make you love me” - fragment 5, weatheredwritings

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.14.19

Tokyo Elvis, who is one of my best friends, Frank Friend, who I have played in multiple bands with since we were 16-17. 

He wants me to undertake the tasks involving getting him booked in town and out. 

We’ve decided that the Comic-Con circuit would be a good fit for him. Also it would be for me as well in terms of getting a booth for the paulsstoragespace shit. 

So I’ve started the process of emailing various cons in town coming up 

—

Just saw a guy throw a rubber hammer at a peacock. A sentence I never thought I would say. 

—-

Like dead glow worms falling slowly through oil

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still:  

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bomb the music industry - vacation 

Fail better, heal faster 

Alpha male tea party - droids

Just friends - nothing but love 

Just friends - rock 2 the rhythm 

Cornelius - point 

Walter Ferguson - Babylon 

Darwin Deez - 10 songs that happened when you left me with my stupid heart 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry 

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Sleeves for paper money 

Sleeves for coins 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“In truth, December destroyed me. January crushed me By February, I was not myself March rolled in like beatings and rolled out like a bear hug In April I stared out the window for a fucking month I don't want October. I don't want November I don't want to feel those crippling blows That I can't explain to myself, my friends or you So I soften them with hours of Nintendo”

-bomb the music industry 

“Loving you required ammunition” - Darwin Deez

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.13.19

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Killer Bee - Venus

Steffaloo - heart beats 

Lone - reality testing 

Fail better, heal faster 

Watching:

Ready player one 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

100 record sleeves for 7 inch records

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I came here with hope and I left with a smoking habit” - fail better, heal faster 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.12.19

Spoke with yaqeen at ihop last night. He is trying to become the assistant general manager at STK. He was speaking to a couple of the top servers and more specifically Rob C, and rob was telling Yaqeen to cut ties with being friends with servers and more specifically me. 

Now yaqeen and I are boys at this point. So it ain’t happening. But it does sting a little to hear that I’m not very respected  in that sense. 

—

Made cauliflower Mac n cheese. It was pretty tasty for sure. Nice and Keto friendly. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Emailed a few venues concerning playing: 

Herohype:

Emailed on 01.12.19

https://www.herohype.com

Omni fandom expo 

Emailed on 1.12.19

http://www.omniexpo.com

MyCon

https://mystic-con.com

Emailed on 01.12.19

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

The presidents of the United States of America - S/t

The presidents of the United States of America - II

The cardigans - first band on the moon

Fail better, heal faster 

PUP - the dream is over 

Serengeti - Dennis 6E 

Ricky eat acid - talk to you soon

Rozwell kid - precious art 

Dorothy ashby - Afro harping 

Serengeti - kaleidoscope 2 ep

Serengeti - Dennehy

Atmosphere - sad clown bad summer 

  Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/cucumber/lemon juice/stevia drink 

McDonalds 20 nuggets and a large Diet Coke ( this is the last time I swear )  

Cauliflower ‘man n cheese’ that I made

Playing:

FFXIV - got ALC up to 50, working on getting LTW up to 50 also

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Superstar, I tried to educate your childish heart” - the cardigans 

“You said it best when you said I’m a mess” - Rozwell Kid 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.11.19

Sitting here in Disney springs. I got here with an extra fifteen minutes or so; got a coffee and now I’m sitting on a bench watching people and life go by.  

Picking out the weirdos and watching them. And the eccentric girls, for some reason they just appeal to me so hard, more so than conventional hot girls. 

I need to make a move. 

—-

After hours. Waiting on yaqeen to show up at this Ihop. He and I haven’t had one of these in a while. Hopefully  he shows up haha. He said his phone was dying and he would meet me inside. 

What i did toward the business today:

Listening to Tony Robbins power to influence 

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Ihop with yaqeen 

Listening to:

Fail better, heal faster 

Angelo De Augustine - tomb

Bomb the music industry - vacation 

1997 - a better view of the rising moon  

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Tobacco - sweatbox dynasty 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Been on a huge chicken nugget for McDonald’s kick. Large diet cokes also. While they aren’t totally killing the diet, it’s probably not the best. 

Tasted the Scallops special from work 

Playing:

Purchases:

From fye all 75% off

Star Wars black series - Poe Dameron

Star Wars black series -  Constable Zuvio

Pulp Fiction - Butch Coolidge, 8 inch tall approx

Super 7 Alien M.U.S.C.L.E. mini figs

From barnes and noble:

The new issue of Juxtapoz featuring Kaws on the cover

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I wanna move to Japan 

And maybe I’ll understand 

What to do with my life” - fail better, heal faster 

Quote of the day: 

“I don’t want it now, I want it right now” - Robert Davis GM STK

8 ball questions and answers:

“Is Axxxxx gonna come back to me at some point?”

“Yes”

Hashtags: 

01.10.19

I’m on fucking autopilot. Just coasting through my days.  Get back on track you asshole. Don’t be an old server. Have more than one income. Get some fucking momentum going. 

How do I do this? What is my leverage to change? What will happen if I don’t do this? 

I need to stir up some hurt within myself. 

—-

How to innovate my way out of this? This place gives me no joy and therefore I am not giving it the attention it deserves. 

—

I’ve been sent to Starbucks by Greg the manager to get a hot chocolate for a guest. I’m on a party upstairs and I won’t be missed. He gave me his debit card. I flirted with the girl who took my order. She was receptive. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Coheed and Cambria - good Apollo, I’m burning star IV

1997 - a better view of be rising moon

Cashmere cat - 9

Tony Robbins - the power to influence 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

PUP - the dream is over 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.09.19

What i did toward the business today:

Didn’t do a goddamn thing.  Need to get on it

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Worked on the spam email 

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from? 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Keep Shelly in Athens - 

Death cab for cutie - transatlanticism

Weezer - pacific daydream 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I wish the world was flat like the old days

And I could travel just by folding the map” - death cab for cutie 

“This is the sound of settling”  - death cab for cutie

“‘Perfect’ always takes so long, because it don’t exist” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.08.19

Last night we had the STK makeup Christmas party for all the day-one-er’s. I almost didn’t go because I feel semi depressed and don’t wanna do shit all. 

So we went and it was small but lost of the OG hang was there. Yaqeen of course and the lot. 

We all just hung out drinking and roasting the shit out of each other. 

Yaqeen and I are the roastmasters. He and I started this shit as a nice way to keep morale in the building at STK. And boy has it worked nicely. 

Yaqeen told me the whole time I was away in Alaska that he kept the roasts alive. And my memory as well haha. Those were his words. 

So, every day is now an HR nightmare in the building but no one seems to mind at all. I work the raunchiest coolest people ever. I would hang out with any of them outside of work. 

So yeah the roast is strong with all of us. I swear if we all quit the restaurant biz and write comedy, we could get famous. 

So as roastmasters, Yaqeen and I are the only two who can promote any of these jabronis trying to level up. They gotta be coming correct on the daily with hot roasts. And then when they fire of a real hum dinger of a zinger, based on the laughter of yaq and myself and any audience in attendance, that person will be leveled up immediately. 

It’s fun. I love playing games all day every day. 

—-

Been burning oil and smoking flower every day since I’ve been back to Orlando. 

I don’t want to say it unmotivates me because I do get things done, just at a slower pace. I’m on weed time. 

—

I’m hanging  with Cxxxxxxxx outside of this McDonalds here:

228 S Orlando Ave

Maitland, FL  32751

United States

Called her up randomly to see how she was. Her stomach is tied up in knots over a boy she is also seeing. 

You know, I’ve evolved into this person who isn’t jealous and just experiences women/ people as they are. I always say that some of my best relationships are been non-relationships: people I see when I see em, and we are both ok with it. 

I don’t know how I got this way but here I am. 

 Where did I go askew with the way I view relationships? And by that I just mean the non traditional way people view things.  

To be discussed later I suppose. 

So yeah Cxxxxxxxx is soaring for food from McDonalds. 

 What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from? 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail Better, heal faster 

Weezer - death to false metal 

The strokes - room on fire 

HUM - you’d prefer an astronaut 

Maritime - we the vehicles 

Fishbone - give a monkey a brain and hell swear 

Living colour 

Portishead - third 

Watching:

Johnny mnemonic 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“If I am feeling wacky, I think I might

Drink a quart of vodka

Spend the night down in the gutter” - Weezer

“What if the day had stayed in bed?” - Foo Fighters 

“All the boys with directionless hair are rough 

Languorous girls in undertaker makeup” - maritime 

“The busy sisters stunning, won’t she be stunned 

 By the infinite parade of punk rock t shirts” - maritime 

Quote of the day: 

“Electrons take up less space, so..” - Cxxxxxxxx’s roommate on digitizing pictures

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.07.19

Becoming awesome.. hmm I still haven’t done that yet. Havent been doing much of shit lately. How do I get back on track?

The answer is to just do the damn thing. 

whats my motivation? Good question to ask. 

I don’t want to be an old server. And its weird because chronologically I am 38 but I don’t feel like that. A bit odd I suppose to think about. 

so, whats the fix? Slowly work on becoming awesome. By the time I know it ,i’ll be there. But this is only going to come about through working every day toward things. I tell people all the time to just get 1% better every day, and here I am not doing that. 

I need to implement all the advice I’ve been handing out. 

That being said, what can I  work on today toward becoming awesome?

What are some things I want to accomplish? Well lemme refer myself to the giant 18 month plan I have set up

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Serengeti - kaleidoscope 2 ep

Fail better, heal faster - s/t

Panuccis pizza - don’t tip the delivery boy 

Panuccis pizza - All of my friends are familiar and the steps I took to realize this 

Tigers Jaw - s/t

Halsey - Badlands 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I fell in love with your face so much, that it behooves me to look away” - Serengeti 

“You can take what’s in my head; I don’t want it” - Fail better, heal faster

Quote of the day: 

"Vision without execution is hallucination" - Thomas Edison

“Stop selling: start solving and serving” - 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.06.19

I keep trying to order the Downward is Heavenward vinyl reissue but it sells out immediately. Short story is, it’s just the singer from the now defunct band HUM, is releasing the reissue in pieces, cause he’s just one guy. 

—-

Bagged up the Star Wars power of the force cardbacks in clear pages for a three ring binder 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still:  

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Cky - the Phoenix 

Ozma - Pasadena 

Chrome sparks - goddess ep

HUM - downward is heavenward

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“You can’t exist In the world, without being a part of the world, and somehow that’s comforting, when you’re not where you want to be.” -ozma

“And she got me high, 

And I barely noticed there were tears in her eyes. 

And I miss you less and less every day,

It’s true the whiskeys gone and washed you away” - Margot and the nuclear so and sos 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.05.19

So I’ve been in Orlando for a couple months at this point. Back from my 6 month detour to Alaska. 

Feels like I never left. 

I don’t know if that’s a good statement or a bad one. 

—

Bagged up some Buff Monster mini ice cream toys today. Been working on getting everything in plastic bags. Also I will start to labelling shit I want to get rid of with prices. 

This is a little momentum toward having a booth at a con somewhere. 

The real

Momentum would be to get a list of cons and then start spamming them for Frank and Tokyo Elvis and also for myself 

—

Right, so coming back to Orlando. Not bad but it’s just me back in the same groove. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Toadies - rubberneck 

Weezer - Pinkerton 

Weezer pacific daydream

Queens of the Stone Age - songs for the day

Soundgarden - down on the upside

cky - infiltrtate destroy rebuild

Watching:

The Crow on bluray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Through the ages, we got stupid, and now we must repent” - Toadies 

“She never gets wet; she smiles and it’s a rainbow” - Ben folds 

“I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat” - death cab for cutie 

“These things don’t belong

On my list at all” - cky

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.04.19

So I’m working last night (At STK if no one has been following) and I get a text from Naomi Singleton (now this is not the same Naomi who is Axxxxx cousin who I was messaging and Axxxxx got wind of it and ended things with me once again)

She was in Disney springs. I work in Disney springs. 

So she hits me up asking what I’m doing after work; I say probably heading home, and she goes: orrrr you can hang out with me in Disney springs. 

So we met for the first time, right in front of STK, by the bridge.  

Very nice chemistry. 

So we walked through the springs a little. Hugged and held hands. I sat her down on a bench behind house of blues 

—-

What makes me follow the rules one day and disregard them the next? 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Weezer - Hurley 

Foo Fighters - there is nothing left to lose 

Local H - as good as dead

Local H - hey, killer 

Watching:

22 jump street on bluray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Hang on til the break of the day” - Weezer 

“I’m falling in love.. what was your name?” - Weezer 

“Lately I’ve been feeling better

Wish I could stay sick with you” - Foo Fighters 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.03.19

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bombadil - hold on

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.02.19

Tina Watkins comes back tonite. I hope she’ll let me use her car carte Blanche. She is defiantly motivated by  money so an extra hundo a week should do the trick. 

So, however long it takes for me to get my income tax money back, I’m getting a vehicle. It blows not having one. 

—-

Taking a break from the space for food and mail and maybe big lots for some shit 

—-

Moved some good stuff around in the space. Those three bookshelves (one of the four didn’t make it) are really helping me maximize the Howard space in there. 

—

I have to leave to pick Tina up now from the airport. Well, it was nice having the place to myself. 

—- 

So I sorted the car out with Tina, I’ll pay her and will use the car as I have been. Once I get that income tax return I’m gonna get a vehicle dammit. 

 Bagged up what loose Dunnys I had in a Tupperware 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Jason’s deli

Big lots 

My storage space of fucking course 

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry

Cosmo’s midnight - what comes next 

Scott pilgrim vs. the world original score 

Red animal war - breaking in an angel 

Bjork - post 

Bjork - debut 

Chrome sparks - chrome sparks 

Fishbone - gift a monkey a brain and he’ll swear he’s the center of the universe 

Watching:

Trainwreck on Blu-ray  

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Sandwich bags for toys 

Irving stickers 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“born as a data mine for targeted marketing,  no one will listen up until you become a hashtag or a meme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“Let’s just drink and fuckin be alive, not just survive” - NOFX 

“Give me something beautiful; I’ll believe your lies” - Red Animal War

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.01.19

Made out with a girl from my table last night. She was 23 I believe. She was with her parents and already drunk due to New Year’s Eve festivities. She and I were vining to the point where I caught her coming out of the bathroom and asked if she wanted to kiss at 12. She said she was trying to get a kiss right now, and then we did. And it was pretty on all night after that. A few more random stolen makeouts, and then got her number before we left. She was gonna ditch her parents at some point and wait for me after work, but surely she passed out. Let’s hope I hear from her today.  

—-

“I don’t even have an emotional attachment to that particular Nintendo” - me on a garbage Nintendo I just donated. 

—-

Holy shit I’m leaving target and can smell the Pizza Hut style pizza they got going on in there and it’s really making me crave it. This keto shit has been going on for two and a half months at this point. Maybe I organize some manner of cheat meal. 

—

Seeing Galina at the hospice her father is. It won’t be long for him now. 

—-

Cxxxxxxxx came over tonite. Haven’t seen her since before Christmas. I gave her her birthday present that I picked up for her. We hung out at ale house for a drink and then came back this way. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Target haha. Too high and only got a couple random things. 

Listening to:

Hum - you’d prefer an astronaut 

Swervedriver - mezcal head

Watching:

Scott Pilgrim vs the world 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Stranger things action figure on discount 

Scott pilgrim on Blu-ray 

BAMF score (I had a $75 store credit from trading in some Star Wars shit earlier last week):

Star Wars Han Solo vintage action figure

Ultraman fig

A couple Japanese older model kits 

Packages received: 

Star Wars power of the force bulk cardback set

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Every color mixed together

Will make another, in my reality” - Basenji

Quote of the day: 

“You punched me in the boob; prepare to die obviously” - Scott pilgrim vs the world 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

[rheasunshine]

Greetings fellow travelers,

I hope that wherever you’re reading this from, you are safe.

I haven’t been safe in awhile.

Yes, I have a roof over my head. (A new, expensive one at that; first year home-ownership can be stressful).

Yes, I have food and water.  (Well, sometimes there’s food – usually the fridge is empty-ish and even when it’s not, I’m not really into eating it.)  This fact alone makes me safer than millions and millions of people.

I am – generally speaking – not in��danger.

Except last week.  Last week,  I was in a lot of danger.  And it wasn’t the first time.

It comes as no surprise to anyone following my story that as a “Professional Patient” I spend most of my days balancing doctors appointments and symptom-tracking and medications. To be honest (and you should always be honest, right Justin?), I’ve been doing a truly shitty job managing my illnesses.  It starts simply enough – one bad day.  That bad day leads to two, and by then I’ve decided nothing I could do matters and I let go of the controls.  Sounds healthy, right?

So a couple of weeks ago, as I was juggling my annual OBGYN visit, IUD discussions, a urology referral, a visit to UNC to discuss my constant nausea and further testing, a mammogram, vision testing for new glasses and contacts (and WAY more money than we have), my therapy visits and then 3 or 4 “normal” appointments, I kind of lost my mind.

The thing is, it wasn’t even beyond the scope of normal; that’s a pretty average week in my life.  Where things started to go sideways was in the creeping, slinking, insidious feeling that an MS relapse – or something worse – was coming on.  I’ve described this enough times that I feel we are all comfortable with what this looks like, so I’ll just summarize by saying that at this point in the story I was no longer in control of my motions, thoughts, words or feelings.

When Thommy and I went on our annual wedding anniversary trip in early October, we spent most of our time playing the previously referred to “ER or nah??” game.  I didn’t want to go to an ER out of state (we were in Tennessee) so we just assumed the worst was yet to come and tried to enjoy what we could of the Smokey Mountains.  BUT, because my brain wasn’t working properly, I forgot to pack both my cane AND my handicap placard, so we weren’t able to do much sightseeing or exploring.  In fact, we barely left the condo.  Since we’ve been married for 9 years, and together for 13, we don’t need a lot of special attractions to enjoy a trip; just being in each others’ presence is special enough.

At the Tennessee Welcome Center

So let’s catch up: we got home, the symptoms got way worse, and on Friday, October 27th, I went again to see my primary care doctor.  He took an X-Ray of my neck first to see if that could explain some of the symptoms.  Luckily, it did a little – I now have 3 herniated discs and something wrong with the curvature of my spine – and had we not had more pressing issues he said we would be discussing physical therapy, cortisone shots and possibly surgery – but since I couldn’t feel my leg or finish a complete sentence, we had bigger problems.

  He sent me over to the hospital as a direct admit. He assured me they would give me sedatives before the MRI of my brain, thoracic and cervical spine (a 2 hour procedure), but the hospital was experiencing a severe shortage of IV Valium so they gave me Ativan instead, and it did nothing, except possibly make me MORE agitated.  Over the course of my stay they tried 7 IVs.  2 blew.  One nurse cried and I did everything I could to convince her it was me, not her.

It is now Sunday, November 5th and it hurts just to type this.  But what I want to say is important; I was diagnosed as having another MS flare.

After 3 MS medications THIS YEAR ALONE.

After the hell of Ocrevus JUST TWO MONTHS AGO.

The reason MS patients put up with all the bullshit is to STAY OUT of relapses.  I tortured myself all year just to end up here anyway.  And that’s JUST the MS – never mind everything else in my body hatching plans against me.

So.  They prescribe 3 days of IV steroids (WHY, GOD, WHY?), fluids and pain management. Fine. I’m pissed but I can do this.  What’s 3 more days in the hospital?  I am safe.

Except.

Except…

I can’t do it.  I am not safe.

A psychiatrist comes to talk to me on the day of discharge.  “Are you safe at home?”

(Mental checklist: roof, food, check.)

“Yes.”

“OK,” she says, “do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?”

Let’s do the easy one first.  Do I want to hurt others? Like this guy – this guy here who SLEPT IN A CHAIR FOR 3 DAYS AND BARELY LEFT MY SIDE AND DECKED OUT OUR ROOM IN PENN STATE STUFF FOR THE GAME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KEEP YELLING AT HIM AND CRY INCOHERENTLY??  No.  No, I do not want to hurt him.

(Well, I didn’t.  But now that I’m at home, in pain, miserable and riding steroid rage, ummmm…..)

But do I want to hurt myself?

Yes.  I want to find a way to trump the pain I’m in every day, I want to be the one doing the hurting, actively, so I’m no longer passively being injured, I want it to be quiet, I want it to stop, I want it to end.  Please.  Make it all stop.

“Would you allow yourself to be voluntarily committed to our behavior health unit?”

What’s left to hide from? What’s left to be scared of? I’ve seen the worst, I’ve felt the worst, I’ve been in the dark for a long time.

What it feels like she’s asking is, “Do you want to save what’s left of you?”

“Yes.”

And that’s where another story starts and ends.  The only other time I’ve been hospitalized for mental health issues since Renfrew, and this time it was only 3 days because on the chaotic and teary night of admission I signed my 72 hour release form. (They really should make you wait until morning to do that, but what do I know…)

So basically I asked to leave before I had even fully been processed.

But that’s OK because 3 days in a psych unit is a powerful time.  Every single person you meet changes you forever.  And I want to do justice to that story so we’ll save it for another day.

But what I want you to know now is that on Monday, November 6th, I will start a 6 week intensive partial hospitalization; that means from 9am to 1pm I’ll be in intensive therapy, both group and individual and I’ll meet each week with a psychiatric nurse to continue to adjust my medications and with a psychiatrist to keep this journey moving.  In addition, I can still see my normal therapist once a week, who I’ve been seeing for two years, and who has been remarkable.

There are three other things I want you to know, and they are so important to me, that I’m asking you to really hear the words in your head – and I’m asking you to remember.

1.) I would be dead right now if it wasn’t for Thommy, my mom, a handful of the best friends I actually don’t deserve, and a tribe of “Rhea Team” warriors who pray for me and send me their positive energy and their love and their notes and their gifts and who keep showing up despite the tedious repetition of my illnesses and shortcomings.  I know that I am blessed.  I do not take it for granted.  Please keep reminding me of the good things – please keep your words of love and light coming; it’s my way out of the darkness.

2.) You need to vote better.  Sorry if that’s whiplash but it’s true.  You and me both.  I am getting the most amazing, thorough and continued treatment because of insurance.  There was a time I didn’t have that.  And there were people I met in the hospital who were released before they were stable because of insurance. Cuts to mental health services, Medicare, Medicaid, etc, literally, literally, literally KILL PEOPLE.  I might be one of them. Vote in every election you can for leaders who will protect those services.  I can’t believe this country works that way but here we are.

3.) Mental health stigma needs to end.  And it can start with you.  Stop using the word “crazy” a dozen times a day when it’s not necessary.  That’s the easy one – challenge yourself today and see what happens.  Don’t use diagnoses as adjectives.  OCD, bipolar, schizophrenia, manic/mania, depressed, anorexic/bulimic, PTSD, cutting/cutters/self-harmers … all those things are real life.  They can be nightmares that people may never wake up from.  Some of us will get help and regulate it but we ALL need to stop carrying around the shame of it.  It is not a punchline to your shitty joke.  If someone trusts you enough to share their story with you: listen without judgement.  You don’t have to fix them.  You don’t have to feel their pain to help them through it.  You can hold space with love and respect and allow them to process their emotions freely.  Not everyone is ready to accept help  – it is not your job to lecture them. Memorize the number to the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) so that you can provide a resource to someone is crisis. (Obviously, if it’s an emergency, call 911).  But from experience, I can say that I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had a meltdown on the phone with someone while I told them I couldn’t make it one more day – and the act of simply being heard has kept me here one more day.

One more day.

That’s what’s left.

Or, like we talked about in the hospital, one more minute.  It’s 7:31am right now.  Can I make it until 7:32am? What can bridge those 60 seconds? Breathing? Medication? A phone call?

I know I said I needed you to know 3 things, but I lied, there’s one more:

I am not ashamed.  As someone with complex mental illnesses AND complex physical illnesses, stuffing that all inside and hiding it from the world is what usually gets me into the darkest recesses of my mind and keeps me buried.  As someone with mental illness, I *DO* feel guilty, all the time, for hundreds of things, real and imaginary; but, what I don’t feel guilty about, is sharing this with you.  There is a level of self-loathing I experience that I didn’t even have words for until I was on the psych unit, but my head will not hang one inch lower after posting this and sharing it.  I hope if you read this and you want to talk, you reach out.  I hope if you read this, and you are so inclined, you share it with your circle because there might be someone who needs to read it and know help is out there and they don’t have to feel alone or ashamed.

I’m redefining myself with the pieces of what’s left; and with each new illness and test and hospitalization and med change, etc., I do feel like I lose some of the person I wanted to be.  Or at least the person I thought I was.  But there is so much power in realizing you can create someone new.  And know this: if you’ve had to do this (I mean, REALLY, do this): you are a fucking superhero.  Suit up.  Here’s your cape…

xoxo

Rhea

What’s Left. Greetings fellow travelers, I hope that wherever you're reading this from, you are safe. I haven't been safe in awhile.