#ive felt this for the past while
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★ WARNING FOR : BLOOD . GORE [kinda] . BODY HORROR [not really but i wanna cover all bases]
something something "i want to pull your skin open and crawl inside you" something something
#they are both enjoying this very much#ive been reading quite a few vampirism / cannibalism as a metaphor for love fics these past few days and felt compelled to make this#this is *technically* tied to my au but since it's not canon im not gonna be tagging it#in any case#while i am proud of this drawing . i still think i need to make better things#many people around me are getting into ai generated images and if that can make better art than me then there's no point to it#i cannot let myself be replaced by a machine#i can't.#ahem#vent aside#stannarrator and blood !!! yaayy !!! ^_^#my art#tsp#the stanley parable#tspud#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#tsp stanley#tspud stanley#hes so eepy LOL !!!!! XDDDDD [he is dying]#tsp narrator#tspud narrator#as much as i love drawing humanized narry . sometimes a guy needs wires and electricity to feel something#tsp stanarrator#tspud stanarrator#stanarrator#tw blood#cw blood#cw gore#tw body horror#cw body horror
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Happy new year guys, if you weren’t thinking about the chaos of Bill having sparklers than im forcing you to think about it now <3
#happy new yeaaaarrrr#im alive#if anyone was wondering#or curious#doubt it#but still got atrong brain rot for these fucks#havent drawn stuff in a while!!#havent felt real and havent made any art that wasnt for school this past semester#dont really kno what happened tbh#but i had to do smthn!!#and i miss the mutuals i used to interact with#if u guys read these tags ever i love u and ive missed u#but yah seriously bill would go fucking crazy with sparklers#needs to be held and restrained like a child#he would set the shacks backyard on fire easily and on purpose#bi.f.art#bill cipher#gravity falls#human bill cipher#billdip#dipper pines#tswwwit’s familiar au#technically#idk how to feel about this tbh#not vry good but its alright#at least i made smthn#happy about that#hate hate hate the way dippers skin tone looks actually#but im not going to change it rip#fuck u colour theory
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regal talking abt when he first saw mox during fcw
#william regal#jon moxley#dean ambrose#blackpool combat club#i listened to this a while back but im always thinking abt this clip. hearing abt an 'outsiders' perspective of mox's antisocial approach.#regal being the only one to pick him out. and if i remember he talks abt them having similar pasts and demons w substance use. which of#course translates well into their character/kayfabe work during this time since it was supposed to be two kindred fucked up dudes#i dunno if this will matter to anyone else. but hearing regals recount of this. ive felt in a similar spot to mox in professional places in#my life and its so. interesting to imagine having someone in your corner like this
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Hey pssst hey. Have you ever considered: Montada?
I hate it, and it nearly killed my hyperfixation
But I understand my opinion on this may affect others, and many may be hurting from this episode soooooooooo
Art requests open
#nevermore webtoon#i debated on posting this response when you sent it because 1) spoilers but 2) i swear i neededa fucking warning for this shit#“jessie and james vibes” my ass#monty has been giving off major r@pist vibes since his introduction#and while this makes sense as a good angsty plot point for ada. i dint think it should be endgame for a plethora of reasons#the past month ive known about this ive been waiting for the community divide that will probably occur ocer this#and i dont want people to fight#nevermore has been there for me for well over a year. helping me through the days since 11th grade. when i was 16. and im graduated now. 18#the community has been an absolute blast. even if im not as active on maincord anymore. with life getting busy and just too much to backrea#and im scared of losing that#but hey i got some art coming up in the next few days and I'm about to go to a wedding and you bet your ass im bringing my sketchbook#pls give me requests ive been in idea art block#and i dont think you guys want me making a bunch or horror movie aus cause that may end up in me drawing slight gore eventually#sorry to the other patrons for lying how i felt about this ship#i did truly feel neutral when i first saw it but now it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth#it makes me feel sick#a good part of my feelings towards it is due to how it got talked about in the Patreon streams and how uncomfortable it made me and others
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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.
#spacie spoinks#bruh#like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk#''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing#like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like#a week and that was like the worst week of my life#i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP#HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche#the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid#also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr#idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again#ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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my advice for anyone whos growing more and more frustrated with the state of aftg and fandom at large is that arguing is fun but you need to be happy. ok. you need to. its hard when bad faith takes are dropped to your doorstep but you need to be happy and enjoy yourself and have fun or there's no point in anything at all ever. ok. fandom is not real and nothing is worth more than your enjoyment. i love you please make sure to have fun and reach out to a friend today. for me
#this goes doubly for fans of color if i'm honest#i say this bc a lot of my mutuals either currently or in the past have been very upset about how the fandom acts#and ive Done My Rounds with that ok#ive survived great wars even. and they did not make me happy#yes i was right and yes i should have said it but ultimately there was no material harm to choosing to have fun instead#lifes hard as it is in the real world where real things happen why would you waste your precious fun time on fighting crusades#and trust me i understand deeply the wish to fight crusades. Ive Fought Them. it got me hate mail and#an overall loss of passion for something i held sincerely in my heart#theres nothing more worthy than your enjoyment im serious. none of this is real and the world is hard out there#you need to get a good thing while u can#i dont remember a single time where ive actually felt vindicated by arguing with people online about. anything really but even more so aftg#but i remember in perfect and fond detail every time the (now defunct) kandreil discord server came up with an au#or even just normal casual conversation#i remember asks i got years ago about kevin day hcs that i hardly even agree with now but still love#trust me you will Not remember these squabbles what you will remember is what you loved and if youre lucky thats a lot of memories#so have fun ok. for me#txt
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I've been making a digital sticker book in goodnotes to copy and paste from 😋
#puffer talks#ive been starting to digitally journal and bullet journal#i kept stimming while purusing through png blogs i felt nuts#so so fun#i have more of these pages#i just open goodnotes and tumblr in two windows on my ipad and copy and paste#tumblr can suck but being able to copy and paste pngs is DELICIOUS#going to go look at more pngs to fall asleep#digital journal#goodnotes#journal#journaling
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^ guy who has to draw funny hedgehogs or else they will die
#okay i did draw stuff that didnt involve the hedgehog characters i promise i was just picking my favorites/what i thought was the best#from each month and realized i kept picking stuff with sonic and/or shadow in it#so i decided i would make all of them have at least one hedgehog character because the pattern was funny to me#anyway kind of disappointed with how little i drew this year ive been struggling with motivation to do art for a while now#but . i did get at least one or two finished drawings for each month.#and i also managed to do artfight even if i did less art for that than ive done in the past#whihc are still accomplishments i think. considering how ive been feeling#also i didnt get to do one of these last year because my laptop decided to stop working around december#and i did get a new one soon after. but i wasnt able to get access to the stuff on my old one until a little while into the year#and at that point it felt like the moment had passed and it would be awkward to post the art summary thing . so i just didnt#so . yay i get to do it this time#if this picture is making you notice how inconsistent the way i draw werehog sonic is no it isnt
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i will say again and again how DELIGHTED i am that priya won. but i am also delighted that she and bowie made it to the finale together. about halfway through my initial watch of the season i just kinda went “oh it has to be them in the final two. it HAS to be” and for once in my life total drama agreed!! because it couldn’t be anyone else it HAD to be them!! and it was!!
#td spoilers#idek if this makes sense#im just overly emotional about the fact that priya won#because she was like the new courtney to me (and we all know how i feel about courtney)#and the WHOLE TIME i wanted her to win so badly while believing based on their past seasons fresh would never let her#and then they did!!!#ive never had a fav of mine win before!! never!! and the fact that the fav who trained her whole life for this won...#makes me emotional!!#god its unreal having a new season in 2023#i feel like im in middle school again#oh!! but also like bowie was such a strong competitor that he had to make it too!!#like i was SO worried that his fight with emma would get him eliminated which would have been AWFUL#but its such a fucking total drama thing to pull that it wouldnt have surprised me#but he didnt get out bc of emmas shitty relationship!! he stayed in!!#he stayed and he slayed lmao#no but yeah i just. really really appreciate how the final two were actually two of the strongest smartest and hardest working competitors#it felt FAIR in a way a lot of the td finales havent felt to me#like neither of them really relied on plot armor to get there#td bowie#td priya#im writing a whole essay in these tags
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Reading some of the critiques of pjotv and now I know why y’all are on tumblr and not in the writer’s room 💀💀
#ive said this before but i have to say it again because some of you guys …#calling the BLACK SAILS writers bad 😭😭 do you hear yourselves#all opinions are valid but some are stupid!!!#(i kid but also i think y’all have just aged out of pjo and are expecting something that even the og series was not delivering)#like the source material is middle grade! which is 8-12 year olds#literally the oldest of the target audience is a seventh grader lol#like i was literally six when we got assigned tlt in school#it’s a kids book and a kids show and y’all really got to start treating it like that#otherwise you’re only going to be severely disappointed#(and wrongly so because you’re expectations are skewed from years of fandom)#anyway i think the show is doing a great job of filling in plot holes and fleshing out characters and unraveling plot threads#it’s disappointing that y’all can’t see that because you want a scene by scene copy paste of the books#like some of y’all need a lesson in thematic cohesion and building a multi-season show with a specific overarching theme and message lol#because that’s something the og book series was missing#rick struggled to tie all of his ideas and messages into a cohesive goal so it felt messy at times#i actually have so many thoughts about how the show is doing a lot better than the books#the books would undermine their own goals sometimes because of the focus on action#while the show is reallying building up the characters and exploring the dynamics before the action kicks off#because why would you be invested in any type of action sequence if you don’t care about the characters?#percy jackson#annabeth chase#grover underwood#sally jackson#gabe ugliano#poseidon#percy jackson and the olympians#pjotv
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a good cry always does wonders
#sorry for the vent ! feel free to scroll past !#had a nice conversation w my bf today#let out a good cry#and idt ive ever loved him more#was anxious about sharing lots of things w him bc i didn't really know how he'd react#or was afraid of disappointing him or smth but#he could already tell#i never used to fully grasp what it meant or felt like when ppl would say: someone who knows u better than u know urself#but today he rlly showed me just that#he's been hinting smth at me for the past few months that he thinks maybe this one thing i'm trying out isn't really for me#bec i guess he could really see that i was just trying to force it#and when i was sharing how i felt today and couldn't really voice it out#he tried to help me w it and asked if i was feeling x way and y way#and it was exactly that :( he said it was cos he's been noticing it from me for a while#and he was so sweet with the way he responded too#all love and support and not in any way disappointed at all#and idk i just feel like wow. isn't that such a special thing? to have someone know and respect u like this#i appreciate how he didn't push/pry at me the months before (bc he knows i don't really like being prodded unless i share it myself)#(i like to keep things to myself for a while to give myself the chance to handle it before involving others)#and idk i'm feeling a different type of soft today#and like a huge weight was lifted off me#lovebug#i talked so much again
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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Magenta kinda?
#this heat wave has been a blessing and curse#it hit 110 earlier#my neck of the woods is used to peaking at 105 and nothing higher than that#this shit is unheard of for several days straight#right now its 93 and this past week ive had no physical pain cause of fibromyalgia nor flare ups#i haven't felt this in a long long time#this feels like heaven i can fucking move and be active without feeling so limited or bed bound#but the heat and humidity have given me bad headaches and heat exhaustion is legit#I'm keeping hydrated staying shaded and not overdoing things physically#but fucking a it feels like a dragon is snoring right in front of my face#the power company killed the grids earlier cause of fire precaution it took like 4 hrs to get it back on#and I'm marinated in sweat rn#if the headaches could go away I'd be dandy af even though i feel gross#magenta#magenta is my vent word#not magenta but some other pink variant#trying to write but its too hot for brain#been reading and crocheting in the meantime while getting over headaches#i need to live somewhere where the winters arent horrible and the summers are hot but not excruciating#i need a personal terranium#thats what i need#hope everyone is doing good and staying safe if youre in a heat wave too
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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my mystery illness hurting me -_-
#.pdf#rd#sorry im about to start rambling and whining about my sickliness in the tags feel free to not read them if you dont wanna see that#feels bad. lately every time i do a little too much of anything (which isnt much) i feel miserable and weak and bad at breathing for daaaays#suspecting me/cfs or i thought maybe post viral fatigue after i got covid a month ago but 1) ive had the fatigue the better part of a year-#-its just that its gotten worse since recovering from covid and 2) from what ive read post viral fatigue is mechanically like identical to-#-me/cfs (when it presents like my bullshit) and also can persist and “become” me/cfs so i dont see much of a point in differentiating them#either way it soudns like i only have a shot at getting better if i avoid doing anything that triggers it to get worse (which is a lot) so.#cant exactly put my whole life on hold to lie around in bed for months on end. so whatever#also heartrate spikes while standing in a way thats very consistent with pots. another thing that causes Issues but does not explain all of-#-my symptoms. so i dont thknk its just that. whayever iguess im trying to get in touch witb my doctor cos last night it got concerningly bad#likee. did a little cleaning last night cos my mother forced me to and afterwards i got a horrible cough and was wheezing and shit#ik ik cleaning = dust = cough but in the past when cleaning has aggravated my lungs its felt so different and gone away almpst immediately#but like. i have since slept and still feel a horrible heaviness in my chest and shit idunno. dont like it
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