#ive been really upset lately that i dont make much of anything anymore because i love to make things

[moonlit-orchid]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

[sweetvalentinescandy]

im so disappointed in my art lately . im not a beginner artist, but i feel like everything i do looks like i am . i feel like it would only be acceptable for a beginner . i havent made any progress since i was 11 . today is not a good day

[be-good-to-bugs]

i have GOT to get back to this project

its her

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[gpavila]

ugh 10.31.23

I've honestly been feeling so ugh lately. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like i always try my best to put into words how i feel but this time i can't. I used to be good at going to people for help and advice, a part of me still is but i just cant. anymore, at least not like before. I just feel dumb after teliing someone anything or dont feel like i know how to really. Im at the point of my healing journey that im ready to let go of the pass and move on complety. I feel like this is the first time in like forever that i truly really do mea it, i am ready but am i really? I keep asking myself so much and feel like i expect so much from myself that i get so discurage whenver my progress isnt like other. I know and see tha i am far from where i use to be and that makes me so happy and gives me hope. New hope, more hope, healthy hope. I know and can tell that a part of me hasnt moved on completly and i mean that is okay. I keep trying to tell myseld that its okay and im trying to learn to be more patient with myself too. and its fucking hard. I find myself still dreamsing and thinking a lot about this particual person still (my ex) and it gets me so upset. i find myself waking up in the middle of my sleep and thinkin gbaout him and getting upset beecause why am i thinking about him you know, like i dont want to or do i? or what is it thats making my brain think about him still wihtout my control duh its frustuating. I was telling this to one of my friends from work and she told me that what if im under a spell or its wich craf. not going to lie a part of me is start to question it lol but i dont think so. I think if i really sit with my emotions like ive been trying to lern to do and its hard. but ive been wondering and now that im sitting here writing this, it came to me. Maybe the reason that i still think about him a lot and dream about him to the point that it wakes me up, might be simply because of my subconciouse. I feel like i have put so much of the blame on myself and have took all the guilt and kept it. I think a part of me still needs to fprgive myself, not only for the misdtakes that i made in that relastionship but how much i hurt myself in it. All of it, i still think i was a bad gf and but a lot of the blame on me so that might be it and maybe a bug factor too is that he moved on completely and faster than me. i know i haven't moved on and honestly yeah that really does upset me tbh but i know i need to be patient. I hope one day it is al gone for good because i am. as much as i didn't want to and as much as i was scared before now i am not, i want it, i want to completely move on for good, and i know the for good part will never happen, at least not in the way that i would hope for. i know that someone who was a big part of my life, someone who was my whole teenage years will be hard to completely forget, i wont, realistically speaking i wont, but idk the point that i am is good, it's a good sign that i am going in the right direction and i just have to keep doing what i am doing because the results are there and it seems to be working but at a really slow pace lol. I'm slowly starting to feel happy with myself and with who and what i have in my life. trying to make the best out of anything big or small. i look back at things and no longer get sad but glad it happend but something it can still hurt and all i guess is trying to say that i hope one day i can lookk back at everything without feelign one single glimps of hurt. I want to let go completly. im still sad

[forestryfae]

so first of all i need rly need a bike. fucking nice. i have one but from what i remember its too tall plus its been in the garage for like 5 years. so thats a nice thing to waste money on

secondly i need more pants, some of the thinner ones are starting to get too small. again.

thirdly i was p much woken up with "you need to move rooms today" an hour before work like three or four months ago and i was told id be moving into a FINISHED room. it resulted in me complaining for 3 months that my room didnt have a heater, the lights in the entryway and room didnt work, and the light in the bathroom is screaming at me.

so instead of like. fixing any of this they just stole a lightbulb from the room i was in before i moved and put it in my new room. they also checked the lamp in the bathroom but "i cant hear anything" so they just didnt fix the screeching. i still havent gotten anew lightbulb in the hall and i finally got heater sometime during summer vacation

forth of all they also. keep fucking changing the rules. some of the people here will happily wait five minutes extra for people without them needing to ask and gladly comes knocking on tveir door, but some of them will tell you you need to let them know youll be 2 minutes late or theyll just leave without you. like what the fuck. i cant be a minute or two late so i can grab my fucking work clothes before i go to work??

why do some of these people get special treatment. why do they get extra care while i can be in my room crying for two days and noone notices. if im upset they usually dont talk to me unless im angry enough at them specifically to either scream or slam doors but any other person being sad warrants repeated attempts at a fucking intervention to fix everything. they dont come to my room if im not there for something they know id enjoy but theyll come get anyone else no problem. its person to person too so some of the workers very clearly have better communication and bonds with certain people and prioritize them and easily ask them to do stuff

i cant even talk to my fucking contacts or tell people when im so sad i dont know why im alive and im frequently forgotten about and ignored, and its not like i can say "i need people to actually show me im welcome and wanted because of how ive been treated in the past and how my brain is wired to anticipate social settings" xus thats not a real thing. im just being attentionseeking and whiny and ill just hear i "should be afraid to talk to people" and i "have to show initiative" and i shouldnt put the responsibility of whatever onto other people but like. its always been like that. im not welcome or expected unless im specifically invited, noone indirectly invites me then gets surprised that i didnt join or asks if im coming. most invitations are aimed at everyone too.

and im trying so hard too. i try so hard to fit in and act the way i think people would like, cus i know noone likes me when i try to just be myself, and somehow im still not likeable enougj. but if someones cranky or antisocial and generally harder to get to join or get out of their rooms thats fine, theyll try harder w that person. not with me though.

like. would be fucking nice if someone else could take the role of making sure im included because im wanted for once.instead of me having to do that myself and constantly worrying about it being a hit or miss. would be really fucking nice if someone could ask if im sad or upset in a genuine manner instead of fucking asking "how are you" or "what are you doing". noone asks how are you because they want to know how youre doing, they ask cus they want you to tell them youre okay so they dont have to talk to you. never in my life has either of thise questions meant anything other than say okay so i can congratulate myself for caring when i dont. its like saying hi. its not meant to be a real conversation.

like i really miss being able to say im not okay and being able to be angry. i literally cant do that anymore, im too numb to be angry, i dont know how to validate myself, none of my problems are big enough to be real, none of my feelings matter unless someone else says its ok to feel stuff, i cant say anything is wrong cus then im whiny and negative, i cant complain cus thats annoying and selfish, i cant have needs cus thats selfish, self centered, and egoistical and im not the only person in the world and im not the only one who matters, and i cant have stuff i want cus thats cringey. thats embarrassing.

i want a new house? i have one so why am i complaining, im only miserable cus im not trying hard enough to enjoy living there. i just need to go on walks daily and find something to do during the day. in an area where i dont know the forest with a budget of nothing if i wanna eat the last two weeks of the month without wasting my 1k nok in savings

i want family to come visit me? (not anymore but i used to) tough luck people have their own lives and are too busy to drive 30-45 minutes to spend a couple hours with me or help me with things they specifically told me theyd help me with like. once in a while. maybe even just once or twice a month. but if i call ahead i can take the train and come visit them for 6-8 hours minimum. i pay the ticket ofc. fuck them.

i want something new, like furniture im going to use or just a funky trinket i found or i want some new hobby materials for a hobby i wanna try? no i dont. you dont NEED that, you wont even use it, its a waste of money. no fun allowed.

i cant even talk about stuff i wanna DO or try or anything cus it doesnt matter. its not important so it doesnt matter. its not big enough. its all too small and its not interesting enough. nothing i say is worth listening to even if its the exact same shit everyone else talks about.

like. i just dont get it. theres clearly something very wrong here and i know my family is a huge reason for that but i just dont understand how everything works vs is supposed to work vs isnt supposed to work. i have no concept of normal and fucked up behaviour, i literally cant tell shit apart. i can tell when something upsets me, sometimes, but thats not a good enough reason to be angry or upset, and i cant base my social interactions on that. i cant tell if im uncomfortable or not either so thats fun. not that it matters.

like. idk. i just want a lightbulb so my room isnt so dark in the evening. i dont think its too much to ask. i dont think its an unfair accusation that i think itll take a week or two atleast before i get one and theyll forget i still need one for the entryway. they dont even have any extra lightbulbs so we dont have to go several days without a working ceiling light. they just never bought any.

[scrmngtts]

OKAY!! SUNDAY : SEP 3

How do i even begins.. please memory show me what happened last week.

i guess ill start on saturday. so saturday we had a bit of a fight?? not really a fight but a lil conflict. I didnt go to the gym and he didnt like it because he didnt like me skipping and tbh ive been flaky on going to the gym on my own and he didnt like that, and he was very frustrated on me and im just like.. im sorry i cant. and he kept pushing to go even late at night and im like.. i dont like going at night. we didnt really end it well cuz i had to go cuz i was going somewhere and last words i heard over the phone was

"i dont really wanna talk to you right now"

and tbh that made me really.. sad. i know i disappointed him but i cant do anything about it now. it is what it is and i had to be somewhere and i cant prioritize him at that moment. so i wrote him a message saying blah blah and all these conversations are just by text. i did say sorry but it was just thru text.

then we kinda left it off there and then we kinda fix it closer in the afternoon. but i know in myself i wasnt satisfied on what happened and how i didnt give him a proper apology. good thing he was still awake! so i messaged him i asked if i can call him, he was hesitant at first so im like.. please itll be quick.

Then i called him and i told him i wanted to apologize properly not just a half ass apology and i still remmeber his smile.. he did say thank you and he appreciate me doing that.. he said smtg along the lines like "i have a good feeling about you" idk what he meant but it wasnt easy apologizing to him but im glad that he appreciates it he also said "wow, for u to have that initiative is smtg else". im really glad i did that. well i know that i made a mistake and i should apologized.

UNLIKE HIM. WHEN HE DID SMTG WEIRD AND HE DIDNT EVEN APOLOGIZE TO ME. OR DID HE? I DONT THINK HE DID HE JUST SAID DONT QUIT. UGH WHATEVER NOW IM UPSET.

okay but whatever so that was saturday actually! damn i am tired now to go over sunday.. but whatever

so sunday morning i go gym to make him happy.. ugh then i went to his place didnt really do much just ate breakfast and thats about it and we did the did and we chilled for a bit, we were supposed to go center island and have a small picnic but i got really tired and i didnt really feel like going anymore. we just went to the harbour and sit there for a bit it was nice. i remember wishing for someone to be with me while looking at the harbour and it came true. :> i am really happy to be by his side to experience his company. that lead me to thinking that i need to make a list on why i like him.

[cyber-ii3]

today I'm mad at jace and Connor. Lately ive been reaching my wits end with them because i havent been liking the way they've been treating me, but i think i was pushed over the edge when Connor started being mean to my boyfriend. Earlier I asked Connor why he wasn’t including my boyfriend in our group calls and he was extremely rude by saying he didnt want him there and that he didnt want to talk to him. I thought they had a good relationship because they were having a good conversation at the party and my boyfriend thinks really highly of Connor so I felt really hurt when i realized that those feelings weren't reciprocated. I really wanted my friends to make an effort to be nice to my boyfriend but lately it feels like they've been shitting on him. Robert and Connor keep telling me my boyfriend is gay or is a twink and they keep making gay jokes about it but its making me uncomfortable. Every time i get mad they just laugh at me and its been really making me mad and sad for my poor boyfriend who has been trying really hard to be their friends. I really hate how they disrespect them like that and ive been expressing how irritated at Connor i am but jace is getting defensive. It makes me mad because they agree with everything Connor says, but when I insult Connor, jace gets mad at me. Its so hypocritical and I'm honestly just done and put up with their double standards. I also cant handle jace’s outbursts anymore. When theyre mad, they take it out on everyone around them, including me, and they never apologize for it. One day, I noticed jace was stressed at work so I asked how they were feeling and they told me to shut up and never ask them a stupid ass question like that ever again. It really hurt my feelings because I was really worried about them, and I know they were stressed but I didnt do anything to them. Even if they were stressed, they were treating their boyfriend kindly and even laughing with him. If you’re so stressed why can you offer connor a bit of kindness and not me? I thought we were suppose to be friends. Thats why I removed jace off of my spam. Im slowly trying to put distance between us because we still work together and I know its gonna be awkward but im just tired of feeling like I did something wrong or being used as a human punching bag. Even now, after I removed jace from my rant account, they immediately messaged me and they were angry. They accused me of venting about them when I wasnt. All I did was post that I didnt like how people were purposely trying to piss me off. The messages they sent made me feel extremely sad and guilty and i ended up ranting to my boyfriend about how sad I feel and I dont want to put that on him. Dealing with jace can be really exhausting and I hate how they put their boyfriends feelings first in front of everyone elses even if he started the fight. I overall just feel extremely sad that if its between me and connor, jace no longer sees me as a friend but as an enemy. Im more upset that jace always takes out their anger on me. They never snap at chloe or Mishi, its always me. I dont understand. Why is it always me that does something wrong? Is it because Jace knows I wont leave even if they hurt my feelings? Im tired of it. All I need is my boyfriend. I wish I could stay friends with mishi and chlo without having to talk to Jace. Im so upset that things turned out this way I even want to cry. I have feelings too. I cant just laugh everything off. I am especially hurt if you make fun of someone I love and care about so much. Im gonna take a break from instagram. 

[violentviolette]

for romantic relationships for me the two biggest things were learning how to identify the insecurity driving the rejected feelings and then find healthier ways to soothe that, and making sure i surround myself with constant tangible reminders of my partners actual feelings about me that i can pull up when i need to

so with the first one, usually with perceived rejection, i'm not actually reacting to their actual thoughts or feelings or actions, im reacting to my own internalized insecurity that i'm then projecting onto them. something like, i am afraid i am fundimentally unlovable, so i project rejection onto the ppl who say they love me in order to "prove" that insecurity right. breaking feelings down like that in the moment helps me to seperate my feelings and incorrect assesements of the situation from their actual behavior and then makes them easier to talk down. of course im reading negativity into all of their motives if im purposefully looking for it. this also then helps me redirect my train of thought. things like "i can find anything if i look for it. how much love will i find if i look for that instead of rejection? how many times have they said they loved and cared for me, how many times have they done kind things for me, made me smile, took time out of their day to send me a meme or casually include me in their life" ect ect which then brings us to the tangible reminders. when im feeling really negative it can be hard to remember the positve things, so it helps to have actual reminders. i screenshot absolutely everything that makes me smile that the ppl i love say to me, i take lots of pics when we hang out, ect and keep them in little folders to reread on bad days. it's hard to still feel like someone hates u when uve got a folder full of 700 screenshots of them saying nice things about u, finding u funny, and just overall making u happy.

it can also be helpful to learn to ask for reassurance without assuming ill intent or placing blame. things like instead of saying "i feel like ur mad at me" or "u dont love me anymore" or things like that, saying "im feelings really insecure today, can u give me some extra love?" "ive been having a lot of anxiety about our relationship lately and how u feel about me, can we talk about it and can u reassure me u still like me and want me around?" and things like that. these statements center ur feelings while not assuming anything about the other person or putting unnecessary blame on them or making them feel like they're doing something wrong when they arent.

it also helps to really remind myself that it is okay for things to not be okay. that in a healthy relationship, my partner can feel negative things about me in the moment, find me annoying, be too tired to want my company, can prefer to be alone, or even be upset at me, without that fundimentally changing how they view me and making them hate me. non-abusive peoples emotions are not so fickle as to be completely changed by a moment of irritation. negative emotions are an inevitable and healthy part of life, they will always happen no matter what sometimes. so if im kind of annoying one day, that is okay. if someone actually loves me, they will love me even when im annoying. they will not suddenly hate me because i said something cringe or stuck my foot in my mouth. because loving people in real and healthy ways means acknowleging the reality that negative feelings will happen sometimes, and thats okay and normal and healthy. how we deal with those negative feelings and how we handle those situations is far more important than the negative emotion itself

does anyone with npd/rsd have any tips for better handling perceived rejection? i end up turning into this sobbing mess & cant seem to find any coping mechanisms & googles no help

[daddynegandesires]

Secrets chapter 3

Summary: ellies birthday and mothers day is coming up as emotions and pent up anger are spiraling between you, negan, and jack while more and more secrets begin to unfold.

18+

Warming: nsfw, fluff, kink, depression, abuse

Sorry for the late update on this chapter its kind of a short one ive just have been going through some personal things and havent found the motivation to finish this one yet.❤ i hope you all like it!❤

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You and negan haven't spoke in a few days ellies birthday is today and you have been busy decorating. Negan is suppose to be picking up the cake at the store. jack has returned back from his "business trip" withq an odd hickey on his neck that keeps gawking at you everytime you speak to him. You want to avoid conflict because you arent so innocent yourself after what happen with negan last time you saw him but thats just not who you are....you have to confront him but you also dont want to ruin ellies day infront of everyone.

"Hey jack, do you mind helping me with this streamer" you called out to him from the ladder

"Sure hun" he took the streamer from your hand taping it up to the wall

"Thank you.....uh negan should be here soon with her cake" you said folding up the step ladder

"I could of went and grabbed it" he scoffs

"I uh..well sorry i didnt know it was a big deal" you try to laugh it off politely

"Dont even worry about it...." He walks past you ramming his ahoulder into you heading outside

Negan had arrive with the cake and so did a few of ellies friends and your mother. You and your mothers relationship really has never been that great but you try to make peace with it for ellies sake. Negan came in with a huge gift box all wrapped in pink with a bow.

" i thought we agreed nothing crazy" you whispered to him

"Whaat...can i not spoil my girl" negan grins at you

Ellie runs out of her room her eyes light up at the size of the gift her dad got her.

"Mommy look at this...its humongo!" She says messing with the bow

"I see honey..dont mess with it yet" you giggle

"Where is your boy toy.." His tongue slides across his bottom lip

You kept silent while negan stared you down waiting for a response but nothing came out his eyes were burning a hole through you he always knew when shit was up.

"Ah i see....the silent treatment" folding his arms

Negan walks off to go play with ellie and say hello to a few people when your mother walks up to you.

"Hey mom..." You say emotionless

"What is negan doing here.." She asks

"Mom...please dont. Thats ellies dad. I told you we are trying to work on things for ellies sake" you say annoyed.

"Well...once a cheater always a cheater. Im just saying" as she sips on her cup of wine walking away

A few hours have passed and ellie got to blow out her candles and eat cake. Jack still hasnt said much to you throughout the whole party and its more than obvious that negan is starting to catch on im just hoping he doesn't notice the hicky on his neck. Ellie has been bugging you about negans gift so you were going to let her open it.

"Ellie open it up over here sweetie so everyone can see" you say smiling

Ellie quikly rips the hot pink rapping paper off and squeals in excitement as she realizes its a electric scooter that she has been wanting. Negan was standing by your side with his hand sneakily rested on your lower back with a huge smile on his face.

"Oh my god you got me that scooter!!" Ellie begins jumping up and down

"Negan....those cost alot" you whispered in his ear

"dont worry about it....i got it taken car of" he says sternly

"Lets take it outside!!" Negans runs over and picks it up in excitment with all of the kids following him outside to ride on the scooter. You were throwing away dirty plates when jack came up to you

"So you want to explain why you and negan have been so close" he quietly says to you

You instantly start to burn with rage as he asks you that knowing he has been keeping things from you too and the fact his assistant melissa has been speaking to him inappropriately. You were holing the knife in your hand for cutting the cake reminding you of the incident that happened between you and negan once you found out he was cheating. you froze and gripped tightly on the knife thinking of how to approach this.

"You're a fucking whore..." He spat at you

"Jack.....get the fuck away from me" you quietly say

"Yeah i bet thats what you want.....so he can fuck you" he says through gritted teeth

"Its. Ellies. Birthday.....fucking knock it off we can settle this later" you slowly set the knife down unclenching your fist

Jack stands there glaring at you with his jaw clecnhed before giving up and walking away. You let out a sigh of relief and pour yourself a glass of wine. You take a sip closing your eyes feeling like everything is going in slomotion in that moment when you here yelling outside and notice its negan and jack. You drop your glass spilling your wine everywhere running outside.

"Back the fuck off man!" Jack yells with his fist balled up

"Ohh...you really want to go there dude..." Negan laughs

"You are fucking (y/n) and i know it!" Jack lunges towards him throwing a punch hitting negan in the face making him stumble

Negan catches his balace reaching up to his face touching where jack punched him in the mouth realizing he is bleeding negan licks the blood off his lips and lets out a sinister almost scary deep chuckle.

"Oh...you fucked up." Negan lunges towards jack football tackling him to the ground he starts punching jack over and over again blood all over his fists

"Negan!!!...no! Stop!" You rush over trying to pry negan off of jack

"Negan stop for ellie please!" You begin to cry struggling to finally get him off causing you to fall backwards with negan on you

"You are a dead fucking man!....now get the fuck off my property..." Negan threats

You push negan off to go check on jack you try to get jack to respond to you and see if he is okay but he just spits in your face shoving you away causing you to fall before you know it negan charges back over and starts beating the shit out of him all you can do is scream at them and cry. Through tear filled eyes you notice the cops rushing up the street pulling into the drive way the last thing you remember is the cops pulling negan off and everything went black.

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Jack and negan were both arrested but were soon let go apparently i had fainted due to stress and dehydration they kept me in the hospital until i was better. You kicked jack out of the house and you haven't spoke to negan since ellies birthday. Things have been rough being alone for ahwile and ellie was getting upset about not seeing her dad.

Text from negan:

Hey....im coming by

You looked at your phone to see a text from negan but you just ignored it and continued to cook some food for ellie. There was a knock at the door you sighed annoyingly before unlocking the deadbolt and opening the door to negans innocent brown eyes staring back at you. before you could give him a chance to speak you shut the door in his face but he quickly caught it in time with his foot in the doorway before it closed.

"Negan...ellie should be home. She is still upset" you sigh

"Thats okay i want to make it up to you two" he says pushing the door open coming inside

You just stand there silent with your arms crossed untill you hear ellies bus coming down the road and before you know it she busts through the door yelling.

"Mommmyyyy! Happy mothers dayzz!" Ellies runs up to you handing you a picture she made at school

"Awe...thank you sweet heart its gorgeous" you took the pink paper from her smiling and when to hang it on the fridge

"Look i want to take you two out to dinner...its mothers day and you deserve it..look i know i fucked up but that asshole had it coming" negan says

"Negan dont.....go ask Ellie she is the real one you need to be apologizing to not me" you stare at the ground avoiding eye contact.

"Ohh ellie daddy wants to talk to you!" He walks off to her room

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You, negan, and ellie were all out at dinner at your favorite steakhouse enjoying your meal when the waiter brought a bottle of wine

"Negan....i cant afford that" you quietly say

"Ah ah....you deserve it i mean you are the best mom ever" he winks at you popping the lid off pouring wine into your glass

"Thanks..." You shyly say before taking a sip

"So.....the school fired me" negan cleared his throat

You choked on your drink hearing the words that had just came out of negans mouth

"What?..how come" you say wipping wine off your chin

"Well....they dont want me as a coach anymore since what happened at ellies birthday. They say its wildly inappropriate and against policy to still have me there" he bites in his steak

"What are you going to do..." You ask worried

"Ohhh no biggie i always have things taken care of" he smiles at you

"If you need anything im here..." You look up at him

" i know....thank you" he reaches across the table holding your hand

The three of you finish up dinner afterwards you all go for a late walk through the park. It felt nice to get out and have some fresh air after what happended at the party. Your phone kept buzzing off the hook of texts from jack you kept trying to hide it from negan to not let him worry. You felt bad hiding it from negan but you knew it would start a fight but you also didnt want to let jack go without some talking. Negan took you and ellie back home ellie ran inside and got ready for bed.

"I know he is talking to you..." Negan says sternly while placing one hand against the wall beside your head

"Negan....can we not talk about this right now" you say turning your head away from him

"No!...you will look at me when im speaking to you" negan grabs ahold of your chin forcing you to look at him

"Yes....yes im still talking to him.." You say embarassed

"Why....he is such a load of whoreshit....im standing right infront of you (y/n)...im here now! Take me back please. Im an honest man now!" Negan growls

" get...off of me!" You scream and shove him away from you and begin to walk angrily down the road

"(Y/n) get back here now!...where the fuck do you think you are going!" Negan trys to catch up with you when it suddenly starts raining

"Negan stop trying so hard!...this is going nowhere!" You say crying

"Why do you keep saying that!...i want this to work!" Negan finally catches up to you grabbing you by the arm spinning you around

"......well i dont..." You choked on those words as they slipped out of your mouth it felt like your heart had just stopped for a split second it killed you to say that to negan but it had to be done

"You....dont want this." He said quietly and upset with rain drops running down his perfect face

"Negan....i.... I cant. You have to let me go" you say caressing his face" you said giving him a half smile with a single tear rolling down your cheek

"W....what about ellie.....thats my babygirl" Negan begans to tear up pulling you into a hug

"You can still be in ellies life.....i start therapy next tuesday" you say ending the hug

"You can talk to me (y/n)" negan sniffles

"There are just things that just feel easier letting out to a stranger sometimes..."

"I love you....." Negan says bresthlessly

"....i love you too but from a distance.....i have boundaries set now negan"

You and negan began to walk back to the house getting inside you hand him a towel to dry himself off. Negan follows you to the bedroom.

"There are still some of your clothes in the closet...." You say facing away from him

"You still have some of my old clothes here...." Negan opens the door seeing his shirts still hanging in the same spot before he moved out

"I didnt know if you still wanted them or not..." You say nervously

"Its okay. Thank you" negan takes off his soaking wet shirt switching it out with an old faded band shirt

"You can sleep on the couch if you would like..." You offer him

"You sure you are going to be okay with that?" He raises an eyebrow at you

"Yeah....plus its been lonely here just me and ellie" you chuckle handing him a blanket

Negan takes the blanket from you before turing around to open the bedroom door to leave. As soon as the door shut you quietly sobbed making sure it wasnt loud enough for negan to hear. You wiped your tears away before getting yourself ready for bed. You tossed and turned for most of the night your head filled with unnecessary thoughts and cenarios. You just wanted all of this pain to go away you dont know what you are doing with yourself anymore the only thing that keeps you holding on is ellie and negan.

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[cuddlesslut]

Okay im super excited to do this!!! This is my first Yay!! 🥰🥰 So im going to do head cannons for Oikawa and Kuroo I might come back later and right one for Atsumu but atm I just don't feel like I could right for character and do justice.

Warnings: slight angst, nsfw, light smut, fingering, daddy kink, pet play, unwanted attention, alcohol

The boys reacting to you talking to your ex

This is my first time writing smut so bare with me. Hope this is what you were looking for.💞👉🏻👈🏻💖

Oikawa Toru

okay so you and Oikawa have been dating for a few month

i love my baby boy shittykawa but i feel like he would be pretty insecure when it comes to having a girlfriend. due to past experience.

so after so many mess ups hes really trying his best with you

messaging you sweet texts

eating lunch with you and the team

and just trying to give you as much time as he can

but hes Oikawa and Prelims were coming up so as of recently volleyball practice was the only thing he could really focus on.

you understood and wanted to be there for him to support him but didnt want to distract him with such an important event coming up

that why when you got paired up with your ex for your science project it slipped your mind to tell him

he knew you and your ex ended on mutal terms but he had heard whispers that your ex still had feeling for you.

not that hes gunna tell you that as far  as hes concerned hed rather you and your ex be in as little contact as possible worried that youd fall for your ex again

so when you, Oikawa were sitting having lunch together.

your first alone time together in weeks

and Oikawa saw your phone light of from a text from said ex it was hard for him not to fear the worst

he hadnt been around for you lately he worried

his thoughts started to spiral thinking that maybe because he wasnt present enough in your relationship that you ex might have been there to steal you away.

Brows knit and voice a little stained trying really badly imight add to hide his jealousy

“whys your ex meassaging you about meeting up later” he asked heart aching as he read the message on the screen.

when you see the look on his face you immediately felt bad for not telling him sooner about your project

“oh im sorry babe i forgot to tell you that we were paired together for our science project.’ you say apologized seeing how tense he was. “im sorry i didnt tell you i didnt want to distract you i know you have so much going on right now i wanted you to be able to focus on volleyball” you admitted placing your hand on his arm to reassure him.

you saw hurt and pain flash across his face.

“ Y/n you never have to worry about distracting me,” he said caressing your cheek.

“if anything you are my favorite distraction im so sorry i havent here for you lately. im so sorry ive been such a shit boyfriend I promise to make more time for you please dont leave me.” he stuttered.

this was the most vulnerable you had ever seen Oikawa. worry still stain his beautiful features.

you leaned your head forward your forehead resting against his,

“Toru ,” you coo’ed his eyes flicked up to meet yours. “ babe im not leaving you. im so happy with you. im not upset that our time together is limited right now im just happy to be with you and support you in your passion. I wouldnt have dated you if i couldnt handle your volleyball obsession, i knew what i was getting into when i said yes” you saw him breath a sigh of relief at your short speech.

“you have nothing to worry about Toru my ex has nothing on you shittykawa,” you giggled at the nickname his best friend had taken to calling him

“ heey” he pouted his signature pout before smiling and closing the space between you , pressing his soft lips against yours

your heart fluttered for even the smallest things when it came to him

“i love you,” he whispered against you lips    

 Kuroo Tetsurou

being at a frat party tonight was not your original plans but do to some complaining from your friends here you were wandering around trying to avoid the drunk party goers

you looked around for your friends who you had been separated from.

they were no where to be found ofcourse that figures

making your way to the kitchen cause if you were going to be stuck here you sure as hell werent going to be sober

not planning on being drunk you decided to forgo the shot offered to you instead settling on a mixed drink

you werent a wallflower but this still wasnt your usual scene and with your besties no where to be seen you need to find a place to situate yourself

settling for a seat on the open lounge chair sipping your overly sweet drink

scanning the room you realized that he was here too

standing across the room with a group of friends was none other than Kuroo Tetsurou

he stood tall among the party goers even leaning against the wall his head full of bed hair was more than recognizable he wore a pair of black jeans with a black t shirt that clung tight to his chest his arms crossed his strong arms on full display

even from where you were sited you could see the veins in his arms that always made you want to drool

continuing your gawking you eyes made their way up only to catch his staring straight into yours

it seems like you weren't the only one checking the other out

his signature smirk made your breath hitch just a little to yourself.

god this man. for the chemistry nerd you knew him to be he sure was cocky

you and Kuroo werent dating by any means you didnt fool yourself into think what you had with the science major was anymore than just two stressed students having fun

looking him up and down you bite your lip thinking back to one of your most recent hook ups

you think about going up to of the many bathrooms to send him some incentive to ditch this party and head back to his

yet as fate would have it before you could make your move your thought were interrupted

“long time time no see” you glance up at the man standing in front of you

you groaned internally as your ex slid next to you on the lounge slinging his arm behind you hand resting on your shoulder.

you rolled your eyes in irritation trying to remember how you ever fell for such a douchebag

even from across the room Kuroo could see how uncomfortable you looked. and honestly he didnt like the way your ex acted so comfortable with you

he didnt enjoy how close he leaned into to you or the way his eyes looked like they were undressing you

you may not be dating but Kuroo did not like sharing

the final straw was when your ex placed his hand on your bare knee and started trying to inch his hand closer to the hem of your short skirt

you grabbed his hand to stop him not wanting to try and take this any farther

“c’mon babe,” he groaned drunkly “ we both know you could use some good dick”

you rolled your eyes about to interject when you were cut off before you could even protest

“i couldnt agree more,” Kuroo smirked pulling you into his arms

“what do you say kitten,” he said moving his hand to grab your hip hand slipping down to grab your ass making you hitch your breath

“better luck next time dude,” Kuroo laughed pulling you away

Kuroo pulled you into one of the empty rooms locking the door behind him

“ now kitten what am i going to do with you,’ he said pushing you into the bed his breath hitting your neck sending shivers down your spine

his hands making their way up to your cheek pulling you into a searing kiss

you felt like the air was being sucked out of your lungs

you felt drunk on lust as he nipped at your bottom lip

“im sorry daddy,” you squeaked feeling his hand slip under your skirt just barley tracing his fingers were you need him most

you felt the heat in the pit of your stomach as he moved one his slender finger along your soaked panties

“please let me make it up to you,” you said slyly feeling a little more embolden from the drink you had nursed

you moved your hand down his toned stomach your fingers catching on the buttons of his jeans

his hand caught yours pinning both of you hands above your head his breath hot on your neck

“now now now ,” he breathed sucking a bruise on your neck causing you to arch into him

still holding you hand in one hand he snaked his free hand down pushing you panties to the side slide two finger between your wet fold

“ what kind of daddy would i be if i didnt take care of my kitten,” he whispered in his husky voice before he slid index finger into you heat.  

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Okay im going to apologize if there's any grammatical errors im so sorry 🌸💐

I had so much fun writing this!!!

And like always 🥰🥰🥰

Request are OPEN 💞

@starboybokuto-recs

[ablackfangirlwrites]

New neighbor

pts, 1 2 3 4

You sat in your apartment with you friend laughing and talking

It was rare that you had free time and you were enjoying it at your own place

The two of you were just laughing it up when there was a knock on your door

Your friend was a bit quicker then you and got to your door first

You werent paying attention to them really but you heard them gasps and say "oh my god"

You go to see who was there but it was just Hawks

You sighed and rolled your eyes, "keigo what are you doing here?"

He invited himself in "Seeing if you made dinner?"

"Oh no chicken nuggets tonight?" You teased back

The two of you joked with each other all while your friend was dumbfounded

"Wait....are the two of you dating or something?" They asked

You frowned furiously, "Ugh no."

Hawks all but ignored them

"Keigo is just incapable of being a functional adult and tries to mooch off me." You tell them

Apparently you guys made an arrangement of you cooking and him coming by and eating

Your friend just nodded not really believing you

The chemistry between you and hawks was clear

But you were aggressively denying that the two of you were anything more than friends

Keigo ended up staying a while longer while your friend was there

The whole time your friend was still a little star struck that the number three hero was relaxing in your place

All the while you could tell something was off about hawks

You however wouldn't bring it up

Eventually he called it a night and with a wave at you and your friend he left

You friend stared at you "You sure the two of you aren't dating?"

You laughed "Pretty sure."

"Yet you cook for him? And he just comes to your place? Is this usual?"

You shrugged, "we're just friends...i mean as far as heros go hes okay i guess but i dont know much about his job." You explain to your friend, "i dont like hawks...but i do like keigo if that makes sense."

You friend understood you to a degree

But just like keigo they couldnt understand what your issues with heros were

It would be another day that you were out shopping when you were stopped by a familiar voice

Keigo was out doing his normal patrol and had happened to see you

So he stopped to say hi

But you frowned, "are you working?"

"Yes ma'am." Hed say with a cheeky smile

And you only responded with a eye roll

Slightly annoyed hawks let out a puff of air

"Are you ever going to tell me what you issue with heros is?"

"Are you ever going to cook for yourself?" You retorted

"I might.." he smiled

You were going to respond back to him

But just then some fans of his recognized him and ran up to get his attention

It was almost like he put on a whole new face when he spoke to them

And it screamed fake to you

So this was hawks

You told yourself

Up until now you hadnt ever actually seen him out in his field, but you could say you didnt like it

If you already was annoyed now you were just plain upset

So you took the moment to leave while he wasnt paying attention

You weren't even that upset with keigo

It was mostly at yourself

How could you really be falling for a guy like him

He was a flashy hero

You shook you heard as you were walking down the street

It was irrational of you and you needed to distance yourself from him

He was getting under your skin just way too much lately

Just as you were walking you heard someone yell your name

And before you knew it you were snatched from the direction you were walking

"What the hell are you doing?"

Keigo asked you alarmed

You werent paying attention and as you walked you had wondered in the street

While a car was coming

But lucky for you hawks was nearby and saved you

Youd be shaken up and was holding on to hawks arms

"I-I-I didnt-I didnt see them.."

"Damnit, y/n you have to pay attention. Why did you even leave? What if i wasnt here just now? You could've-"

"-Im fine." You said pushing yourself from him

"Y/n?"

"I have to go." You said in a hurry and leaving

Hawks didnt know why you were being so defensive all of a sudden

But he couldn't deny the sour feeling in his stomach

You were in danger but you just brushed him off

And not to mention you ran off eailer

If he didnt know any better he would say you were upset with him

But he didnt know why

As far as he knew he hadnt done anything wrong

Later when he got back home he tried to knock on your door

But you didn't answer

Which only frustrated him more

Was this all because he was a hero? He couldnt help but think

Keigo just wanted to talk to you, to find out what the problem was

Days would go by and you had been successfully avoided keigo

You thought doing that would help you kill the feelings you were developing for him

But as they say distances makes the heart grow founder

And you were honestly missing him

You didn't even realize that he really snuck his way into your heart

But you still didnt know exactly what to do

He was a hero, the number 3 hero in fact

And that just went against everything you believed

You would stop avoiding him and see him one day when hes leaving out for work

"Keigo...um hi."

He was walking down the hall when you called out to him

he turned and looked at you, "oh so you're not ignoring me anymore?"

You would feel a bit ashamed from him calling you out like that

"Look ive been going-"

"Save it."

He cut you off

These last few days of you avoiding him really had him aggravated

He thought he was making progress with you

But then you angrily stormed away and ignored him for almost two weeks

And not to mention right after he saved your life

And in that time he realized even more just how much he really liked you

Keigo sigh, "you're a bit annoying ya know."

He was upset but he couldn't deny he was happy you were talking to him right now

"Sorry...I didnt mean to upset you."

Keigo walked up to you he was determined not to let this moment slip "well, if you really wanna make it up to me a kiss will work wonders."

Your breathing hitched

You definitely weren't expecting that, but could it really hurt?

Keigo smile watching your reaction

You looked like you had honestly thought about saying yes

But keigo started to laugh taking you off the hook, "or you rethinking that date might make me feel better."

Before you could answer keigo would leave

Feeling sure of himself that this time you weren't going to back out

[spacedykez]

vent/rant below the cut; please be aware its a bit paranoid

the server is so quiet recently and no one sends me asks about anything anymore and some friends i used to be closed to rarely talk to me now .and its not like i think they hate me its just that im scared that no one cares enough to talk to me. thatim not ever going to be someone people actually want to talk to.

im sure they dont hate me, i don't think theres many people that dislike me, and i don't think my friends secretly dislike me. its more that im scared that no one wants to talk to me. no one cares about my opinions. no one cares enough to interact with me morethan occasionally.

and i know its paranoid and its almost certainly not true but god ive been needing to say this lately because it hurts! so much! to see other people, with less followers, reblog ask games from me and get multiple asks right away, and then no one sends me anything! and this is the only time i'm going to say anything, because i'm not going to guilttrip people into giving me attention andthis is just because i need to vent somewhere and this is my blog but it still fucking hurts! and im sure its not malicious buti still. i dont. i don't know where everyone ewnt. people used to send me asks all the time. to the point where i was called asks georg by someone else, outside of my friend group. i didnt make the joke, someone ELSE did based on how many asks i got. and now no one ever sends me anything.

and i know people are probably busy with life and stuff and im not about to blame them, but the meowdy used to be so so busy and alive and full of conversation and lately its so quiet. (and i know that THIS is definitely just me being paranoid but i'm scared noone cares what i say.not that they hate me, but that it doesn't matter if i'm around. scared i dont contribute anything and notthat they hate me but that it doesnt really matter if i'm there)

its just so quiet allthe time and i'm scared we're drifitng apart and ive lost so many friend groups like this. it wasnt a big thing we just DRIFTED APART and the meowdy have been my best friends for almost a year now and i dont want to lose them but i'm scared that people are losing interest. and a little bit that people are losing interest in me and that i'm going to be left alone again.

and it is at this point that i say i KNOW we're all very nd and i KNOW we all struggle with communication. and i think this whole rant is probably very unfair to my friends who i'm sure just struggle to reach out to me. and now, by writing this, i will proceed to worry that this whole rant has been unfair to them and i'll accidentally trigger someone's RSD or someone will be mad at me for blaming them for something. and i just want to say; im not going to talk about this again. i'm sorry if i've upset anyone.i just needed to talk about this this one time

Feeling that everpresent anxiety about friends leaving me again