#ive been putting all my thoughts in discord

[to-mourn-a-mourning-dove]

i think my favorite thing about shuu as a character is that his actions are just absolutely inexcusable.

there is no "valid" excuse for murdering and cannibalizing children. there is no excuse for biologically weaponizing a child and traumatizing him to the point of suicide. he DELIGHTS in other people's suffering. he claims to have done this all for a purpose, but yet, he thinks that dismembering and decapitating a corpse to show to schoolchildren is funny. he laughs when hiyoko suggests that the same child he made the promise to might be suffering because of him.

like, he's not a gray character. yuuya is a gray character. he's made questionable decisions (bbl, the egg), because there wasn't a better option available to him.

and yet, despite just how horrible shuu is? he's understandable.

all of his actions stem from grief. he's been in grieve for YEARS. he claims everything stems from it. and a lot of his actions do. he invited almost all of the students to the school to investigate their ability to carry the charon virus, and the reason he isolated it in the first place was to fulfill his promise to ryouta.

look, i'll make jokes about how stupid misinterpreting "please, create a world where parents are no longer taken from their children, and wars no longer happen" as "please kill all humans" is, but you can still work through his faulty logic.

he was RAISED in the hawk party research facility. literally. he was like. 10 when ryouta was born. and he worked with ryuuji before then. obviously he thinks the solution to wars is what he was raised to believe.

and also? there's just... that element of grief to account for. everything he does is about it. he's the true antagonist of the game, like 99% of the problems can be accounted directly to him, but his grief is so present it just. it's so obvious, looking back on it.

he was thorough in trying to fulfill his promise. out of obligation, he claims.

holiday star shuu definitely gave me a new perspective. because he adopts miru and kaku, who hiyoko even notes he would probably murder under normal circumstances, because their anklets still say ryuuji k. on them. i was shocked when i was able to recognize his storybook as him the first playthrough. he's... he's just so simple.

none of his reasoning is justifiable. and he did WRONG. he did so much wrong. but doesn't that just make it more fun? doesn't that just make it so much more interesting?

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[miilkphone]

how would yall feel about mcd rewrite longpost

[klayfruit]

What the fick

[volfoss]

how serviceable is the machine translation for volfoss? it seems like you’re able to understand the plot fairly well using it if i’m right. and what is the gameplay like? i’m more interested in playing it from your posts, i’ve always wanted to but never got around to it

FUCK YESSS ok so. A few things. I am pretty used to working with machine translation and kind of working with how stilted it can be. I've translated comics this way and it can be a massive pain at times. From the last time I tried to do this with a game -> now (maybe 8 months or so?) Google translate has really upped their game with getting more accurate/good translations. I use a mix of Google translate and Yandex, and then match it with checking a Japanese to English dictionary when I need to (sometimes Google and Yandex completely disagree on something, so using a dictionary helps a lot in those cases). Volfoss itself is kind of a peculiar beast with translation solely because of names. The machine translation does not play nice with names because they are spelled odd. For example, an enemy called Iron Meiden will NEVER get translated with the proper spelling. The protagonist, Shalvas, gets translated as MANY different names, so it's kind of a pain to work with that. Places have the same issue. Where a machine translation might put Korel as Kolel or anything in that range, it rarely gets it right. One of the major locations, Caldealand, gets spelled 5 different ways and there is never any reason for it. Thankfully, the in game gallery has the English names for creatures and characters, and the map I just got has the proper English for the places. This is probably not like. A big issue for most people but it's something that I'm pretty anal about because I don't want the translations to be super bad and inaccurate. In the guide I'm working on, I have a massive glossary for the names and places due to how finicky this is.

All of that to be said, I definitely do understand the plot with this, but there are a LOT of frustrating things when you're first getting used to it. I can send you the guide as it is right now if that would help, as I think the long list of characters and the summary of the first route I've nearly completed could be helpful :) I'm also here to help anytime.

As for gameplay, it's a trpg, so you move your characters from tile to tile and choose attacks. It's kind of hard to explain but from what I understand it's similar to fire emblem (haven't ever played it but my friend who has says it's similar). It's honestly not too bad after you get used to the combat, there's just a LOT of story crammed in there if you're bothering to translate all of it. There's a lot of specific systems that from what I can tell are pretty unique to volfoss (you get gems and can make combos with them, and that's how you can make your attacks/defense have certain attributes. Not explaining that well at all but. There's a lot of weird stuff to it I think. There's also a system for getting enemies to join your team both temporarily and permanently and just a lot of other stuff that can make it complex to give a short summary of gameplay).

Tldr: machine translation is definitely viable, however, when it comes to proper nouns it is a VERY scary experience. This was my first trpg and I got used to it pretty easily so I wouldn't say it's too bad?

[americiumam]

(complaining in the tags)

[phagodyke]

.

[catatombi]

beware of fang

Hey, im gonna say it outright and state that this is a call out. people get called out for being dangerous. fangs nearly pushed 3 people to commit suicide(including myself) and i had to be hospitalized because of him, so this feels justified. Im sorry if you disagree, ill keep it short and to the point If you’ve been a long time follower of his im sure you’ve seen his vague posts about his ex friends, the cotl tumblr community and “fandom drama” with little to no context behind it, other than various people appearing on his DNI. his vague nature in the posts is intentional, he doesn't want to let on that he was abusing his friends. Ive tried time and time again to write something but it never seemed right, like what he’s done to me and my friends wasn’t severe enough to warrant something like this, but it is and i don't want to let this go any longer, esp not when he has my friends, their names, usernames and literal contact information in his DNI list Over the last year ive been friends with fang hes been horrible. Hes never changed and refuses to acknowledge what hes done to his friends and how horribly he has hurt them, to keep this short im keeping this bullet pointy Here is his carrd, he has everything neatly outlined for yall to block on every platform Dont harass, dont contact. all of this is public information so https://web.archive.org/web/20240713073710/https://fanged-info.carrd.co/#boundaries

https://fanged-info.carrd.co/ Twit: FFANGEDD / narilamb_ / mewhenimsilly Insta: ffangedd / narilamb Tumblr: ffangedd / fanged-cotl / fanged-xeno Cara: narilamb Blusky: fanged / narilamb Itaku: fanged Artfight: FANGED Toyhouse: FFANGEDD Sheezy: fanged Discord & telegram: narilamb All the people mentioned have given consent Cw !!! abuse, suicide, self harm https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG

The drive is a bit out of date, as I logged it all before april. Hes posted more awful shit and vented to me again since then Feel free to request the letter i wrote to him, i might share it anyway because it sums up my thoughts on the matter If you want any additional context feel free to ask

Fang uses suicide and self harm threats to control and manipulate his friends, hes begged me for assisted suicide and when i refused to help him commit he begged in groupchats. He begged on instagram stories as well as twitter, so much so that his twitter for suspended for 12 hours. He has admitted to wanting someone to commit suicide with him and has previously formed suicide pacts and nearly followed through on one with a friend. fang backed out first. he continues to redirect blame. refusing to take accountability for his actions. He still blames his previous medications, his ex psychiatrist, his self diagnosed BPD & OCD, psychosis, and states of beings from disorders he doesn't have (claiming to be manic or sociopathic whilst not having bipolar1 or ASPD) fang blames his (ex)friends, claiming they were projecting their mental illness onto him when they were just reacting to his abuse, that they the ones in the wrong and that how they treated him/cut him off was vile and unfair, and believes that he never got real closure when he did. it just wasn't what he wanted to hear and now feels entitled to an apology from these people when all he’s ever done is traumatize and terrorize them. He describes the amount in which he has cut over pavi, wart and kat because what they put him through and how they traumatized him. The traumatizing actions were: Kat asking for a content warning, pavi didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore and blocked him without an explanation & wart blocked him after being emotionally abused for months Hes described how he would carve their names into his thigh and told me that he will carve my name into his skin when i leave too. He demanded wart and surf choose their “real friends” and cut off their community for him because fang hated that they were being “two-faced” and hanging out with “people who hate him” He would spend hours venting relentlessly and graphically in his friends DMs, demanding their time and attention and expecting immediate replies. His friends are not professionals and shouldnt be expected to be an on-call DIY therapist for him, for hours, without consent. Fang has said he is completely unwilling to self censor for other peoples safety fang has vented to a 13 year old (they were not hiding their age) He referred to me (and our friends) as a phone person, a voice, icons. Concepts he can talk. Completely dehumanizing everyone that cared about him even to their faces. He blames his ex friends for his poor mental health and has said he wishes they watched him commit suicide, he wanted his friends to be traumatized from this (as if they werent already.) When a friend posted a screenshot of a gamenight to tumblr he had a breakdown so severe and so dangerous for so long that several of his friends has to mute the DM to keep themselves safe from his verbal abuse and suicide/SH threats He doesn't care about how triggering any of this can be for someone and will subject anyone (including people in danger) to his “venting” He didnt care about triggering me and contacted me at the worst of my suicidality in january and exasperated the danger i was in so severely I had to be hospitalized against my will before I could commit suicide. 

Im honestly not entirely sure what to even think. he knew the severity of my suicidality. he knew I had been hospitalized for an attempt in 2022, and still he chose me, probably the most vulnerable of his friends at the time to vent that heavily too back in janurary Hes a dangerous selfish person whos proven over and over that hes not getting better and isnt willing to change, i honestly had hope when he slowed down his graphic vent posts and victim blaming on twitter and insta but he decided to say fuck all and get right back into his shit train of shame and misery. Heres a link to all of the screenshot, damning ones are in important bitz if you’re not interested in going through them all https://drive.google.com/drive/u/2/folders/1MLMOT-qvgrX-9NnUEgpl4AkEPfixy2wG in these screens alone he: admits to sending his cuts to his friends, threatens to cut if i leave, admits that he was going to go through with a duel suicide and begged me for assisted suicide

warts screenshots v

full screenshots & complete context in the drive as for him claims that i was stalking him: i was scared, i was his friend. i tried so hard to be good enough and never was. the screens were a by product of confiding in my friends about what was happening and the drive was made to share w/ them i admit i prolly shouldve combed out some of it but, ykno also big phat apology for tagging cotl!!!!! only did bc fang has, please stay safe everyone, and thank you so much if you have read everything (the doc encase anyone was wanting it ! figured i;d just use tumblr regular posting method) https://docs.google.com/document/d/17QjXUEdQVd8c4GZS--vPo-xR3kgmoLl4ZmN3ROMutg0/edit?usp=sharing

edit as of 8:30pm 7/17/24 here is a link to pavi's response warts response and kats response

[audioroleplayconfessions]

i dont want to reveal my identity (youll see why in a sec lol) so im saying this here rather than my main account cause im relatively well known in redacted tumblr (annnd im a pussy and this is sort of weighing on me a bit).

i dont know how to say it but there are these chats?? like mainly on discord and instagram and i think some other places too (idk i dont have twitter or x or whatever but i think theres one there too) where people have lists of these accounts they dont like and resolve to 'punish them'. im sure im explaining this terribly but i cant really say much without the people in these chats instantly knowing who i am and adding me to their insane hate pile puritan police bullshit.

i got added to one of the discord chats in august by a mutual from a redacted server i was in (not the main one like some fan one from tumblr) and genuinely? it is fucking insane. think genuine csi shit. like sorting people into who supports 'problematic ships' and 'supports problematic characters' or who are 'rape apologists' or even just 'icky' and genuinely allocating certain people to harass and threaten them. and i mean seriously organising. as in scheduling when to spam anons or making hate posts or trying to work out their real identities to 'drill the lesson in' (actual quote).

whats worse is that many bigger accounts in the fandom are in these chats. like people ive been friendly with for months (if not years) who i thought were cool, but then act completely different there. i wont name drop or anything, mainly to respect the rules of this blog and preserve my own identity (cause god knows they dont deserve that after some of the shit theyve said and done), but if youre in redacted tumblr, you defintely know at least some of them. 100% you do.

ive gone out of my way to warn some of these accounts ive seen on there frequently (so if you got an anon warning you about these chats hello!! its me!!) but i cannot understate how fucking crazy they are. not only do these supposed 'progressive accepting people' resort to misogyny, transphobia, homophobia and racism (esp this one, jesus the slurs) towards any account they dont like, they also genuinely view themselves as these insane moral authorities set on 'cleansing the fandom of the filth' (another actual quote from one of the discord chats. i genuinely had to take a lap after reading it bc it was so cringe and insane it physically hurt)

i swear im telling the truth with this btw, i know it sounds so stupid and unbelievable but i just needed to get it out of my system because ive been lurking in this chat and i feel kinda responsible for all the hate these poor people are getting, since im not standing up against them. so to anyone whos received heavy hate for 'problematic opinions' im really fucking sorry man. i shoulda tried to put a stop to it but there were so many big accounts there i was afraid of getting ostracised from the community or targeted myself.

anyway, point is. be careful. watch ur faves. and god, everyone in this moral brigade stop being so fucking demented. youre making this unfun for everyone.

(thank you for giving a space for me to speak about this btw bc i genuinely dont know how i wouldve told people widescale otherwise. i really appreciate the space you provide for us all <33 )

.

[newtkive]

pixels [newt x reader - modern text au]

ch. 1 - the gc birth

in which two online friends navigate a romance through a minecraft groupchat with their stupid friends

or, newt, the quiet, stoic boy, and y/n, the bubbly girl both curse the world for keeping them apart, but at least they can send each other cute emojis and hope the other doesn't notice their blossoming feelings.

warnings: strong language, mutual pining, none really.

➥ m.list

__

notes: hi :p im very new to writing on tumblr (but ive always been a reader) so pls bare w me! and im trying to revert back to being 14 (im 23 lols..) so im revisiting my old favs including the maze runner/thomas (bc i binged the artful dodger and now im obsessed again). there will be non-text chapters in the future as well, when everyone eventually meets. this will be newt focused so enjoy !! also everyone is like a realistic age from 23 to 28

__

THE GLADE

[ 7:45 PM ]

alby added minho, y/n, newt, tommy, and gally

alby: Hello, guys.

minho: wtf is this

newt: uhhhh

tommy: hi :3

y/n: so this is why you asked me for my # in private

gally: i didn’t consent to this when i gave you my number

newt: don’t give strange men your number y/n

tommy: oh that’s y/n?

alby: Wait, Newt you had Y/N’s number already??

newt: yea

tommy: o.O

y/n: i gave it to him like two weeks after we met lmao

tommy: SO HE HAD YOUR NUMBER FOR A YEAR AND I DIDNT????

y/n: well he asked and you guys didn’t :p

newt: lmao

minho: ik he smug as fuck rn

not u asking for a girls number lmao simp

newt: stop

y/n: we all talk in discord anyways so i didn’t really think about it

plus you guys are friends irl so idk

it felt kinda weird to insert myself heh

minho: we’ve known you for a year and a half y/n

we play games all the time

call all the time

we even send packages and shit

you’re very much considered our irl friend

y/n: REALLY?? 🥺🥺

tommy: internet friends are real friends 😍❤️

minho: the heart eyes are crazy

but yes dude

newt: of course you’re our close friend. just cuz we live near each other and you’re a bit far away doesn’t mean we don’t adore you

minho: ADORE IS CRAZY LMFAO

but real ig

y/n: AWWWWW YOU GUYS LOVEEE MEEEEEE

hahahahha

HAHAHHAHJFIEKMGOR

I LVOE YOU GIYYYYSSSS IM PUTTING ALL OUR MINECRAFT BEDS TOGETHER LATER

gally: i do not want my bed to be infested by you guys

minho: gally sleeps in the corner

gally: no i dont i sleep in my mansion

y/n: cherry blossom mansion*

gally: and you sleep in a shed

y/n: cherry blossom shed* its pink and that matters.

tommy: love you y/n 😊🥰

y/n: love you tommy <3333

minho: that’s actually nasty stop now

y/n: u mad ur unloved

i love how the gc name is our minecraft town name :((

newt: aw it is

minho: can we talk about why tf this was made when we have a perfectly good discord

alby: I’m done with Discord.

newt: you got your shit hacked didn’t you mate

minho: mate 💀💀

british people so crazy

alby: Yes maybe..

I don’t want to make another.

y/n: or your old ass doesn’t know how to

minho: LMAO REAL

alby: Gonna ignore that. But I am getting too old for it. I have a new promotion at work so that means I won’t have time to play with you guys as much anymore. So I decided to make this groupchat in hopes to talk to you guys more to make up for it :)

minho: every group always has the old head with the job 💀💀

newt: minho admitting he’s jobless

minho: you work at a library be so fr rn

newt: i have an income. you have a room in your grandmas basement. we are not the same.

gally: LMFAOOOOOOO

minho: stfu :////

y/n: AWWWWWWW ALBYYYYYYY

tommy: YAAAY!!!!

im going to text you guys all day

tell you every meal

every thought

every interaction will be meaningful and glorious

newt: you are 24 years old you don’t have to do all that

minho: no fr im turning off my phone if he starts this shit

why not just do it before in the discord ??

tommy: easy access now and i tried before but stopped since no one really replied..

y/n: i say we all do it :D i will too tommy

newt: ok second thought that’s fine

minho: .

gally: that’s wild.

y/n: YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!! NEWT YOU GO FIRST

newt: first with what

y/n: say what u ate today

newt: didn’t say i’d do it.

tommy: i ate muffin, monster energy drink, and hamburger :3333

you guys next

minho: that’s all you had bro..

y/n: hot cheetos and french fries and coffee :D

minho: ??????? BRO

how are you guys alive

y/n: it's my day off and no class so i just wanna rot in bed and that means no cooking

newt: please eat and drink water.

like for real and document it

y/n: ok wait

there

tommy: yum!

minho: y/n..

newt: cereal does not count

y/n: I DONT HAVE ENERGY TO MAKE ANYTHING OKAY

im a 23 year old broke college student my fridge is bare

newt: alright what do you want?

y/n: wym?

newt: like if you could pick.

minho: that’s so cruel 😭😭 just making her imagine it

i like it go on.

tommy: i want chick fil a

minho: i knew you hate the gays

tommy: I AM THE GAYS?????

y/n: ugh that does sound good

mmmm chickem sandiwh waffle fry I Want that Os mYch

newt: that’s what you would order?

y/n: mmmcm yeahshhhhh

newt: ok

minho: that’s it?

i thought soemthing would happen

tommy: me too

like a spell! magic 🪄

y/n: sigh

my cereal tastes bad now

newt: well it is cocoa puffs.

minho: L cereal

y/n: DTOP SAYING L ITS SO ANNOYITIGJNGGGGG

minho: she so madddd 😂😂 L

newt: you're annoying minho

minho: youre just saying that bc shes saying that

newt: no ive always said it. and i will continue to. youre fucking annoying

minho: who bought you your coffee yesterday

newt: ???

myself

and i paid for yours too

im the one with an income

minho: .

well i didnt think youd remember that well.

newt: it was literally yesterday.

minho: yeah but ur old

newt: IM THE SAME AGE AS YOU

minho: yeah but im 🤗✨ 26 ���🤗and youre... 26😬😔

tommy: guys stop fighting

newt: we aren't fighting

maybe this gc was a bad idea

tommy: NO!!!!!!!!!

y/n: NOOOO!

tommy: this is like y/n is here w us irl

y/n: awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

minho: no it's not. we would smell a foul stench if she was

y/n: i ahte you sooo bad.

wait there is a knock at my door im scared

newt: answer it

minho: aren't you supposed to say don't open the door for strangers ????

newt: well usually yes

y/n: no im not expecting company

newt: just do it pls

y/n: ok :D

minho: bruh..

i hope she gets robbed and u feel bad forever newt

newt: why would you want that

minho: bc she owes me money

newt: YOU owe ME money

minho: yes but i have a good reason she just wanted robux

tommy: Y/N DONT DO IT!!! I HAVE SEEN DATELINE

y/n: :o....

tommy: Y/N?????????

OH GOD THEY GOT HER

minho: why would she text a silly face if she got got

tommy: clearly its a surprised face

maybe its not her

its like those cut out magazine letters murderers use

y/n: who got me chick fil a!!!!!!!!!!

minho: me

newt: you literally did not

minho: shut up

y/n: newt it was u i see ur name on the receipt

newt: well

y/n: :(

newt: what why are you sad?

minho: im hungry too

y/n: u spent ur money :(

newt: you're hungry are you not?

minho: she's not but i am

y/n: yeah but..

i feel bad you shouldn't have

newt: just eat it or i'll be mad

minho: i think i want red lobster

newt: it's really no big deal y/n

y/n: thank you newt :(((((

newt: you're welcome

go eat and watch ur show or smth

minho: i owuld love to eat and watch a show rn <33 ohhhh im starving

newt: can you shut up

gally: im muting this gc if this means i have to deal with your guys' shit more than usual now.

minho: thank god

newt: good

tommy: good

y/n: good

the food is good too <3

newt: good.

_

lmk if you want to be tagged!

[wallterwall]

day 32

if you like my (cybrthrillz) content, please read this

tw for self harm and suicidal ideation

i want to take a break

this is not a victory or a win for anyone. if anything all of the harassment and relentless targeted hate has only made me even more motivated to make this little space ive created a more accepting place, and i will continue to be a voice of support for "weird and contradictory" queer identities because we all deserve to be happy and accepted

but, for a long time ive been putting myself in harms way, generally neglecting my own needs for the sake of other people, because i dont care about what happens to me as long as other people are happy and safe, and right now i dont think i can keep pushing myself like that anymore. im tired

i havent had a s/h problem since middle school but now those urges are resurfacing again when i thought id never have to deal with that again

i havent been able to relax or enjoy any of my time without having dreadful thoughts in the back of my mind

ill probably be changing things going forward too, or maybe things wont be changing at all. i dont know. i just know that i want to try and relax and watch those movies ive been meaning to watch and play more video games without feeling guilty that im not using my time for drawing.

the controversies have wounded me a lot but unfortunately regretevator is still my main hyperfixation so ill have trouble getting myself to draw anything else and i dont think i want to really avoid it. so ill still be drawing, but ill be drawing for myself without really worrying about posting schedules. ill still be active on discord, tumblr, instagram

im not going to kill myself today, nor am i going to in the future. because whether some people want to believe it or not, i know and my friends know that i always try my best to be a considerate and kind, overall good person. i know that i genuinely have positively impacted many people in life. i hope that ill be able to go back to regularly posting soon with a clearer state of mind because your support has genuinely improved my life both emotionally and financially, and i couldnt be more grateful.

but right now, its okay to be a little selfish for my sake. and i hope that you all can understand and be patient with me. thanks for stickin around

[angellayercake]

face down in décolletage - chapter 2

Papa Emeritus IV x Fem Reader | NSFW | AO3 | Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Copia talking about being face down in tits has all the feminism leaving my body. I am sorry but he can leer at my boobs any day and I would thank him. So TW for Copia being a fucking perv and kind of degrading but if you are into that we are golden! (check AO3 for full tags) And now ... what happens in his dressing room. I think this is the most NSFW, NSFW thing i have ever written so here you are. Massive thank you's to @ghostchems and others on discord who i have been torturing with parts of this over the last week. You guys are the best 💜

The door opens with a bang startling you as you sit nervously, waiting. Your thoughts had been warring in the time since you had set yourself up in his dressing room, entirely naked as he had requested. The way his eyes had been following you had been irritating you all day and yet you just allowed him to fucking motorboat you in your place of work. There’s something about him with the paint and the costumes that you just found irresistible, as if you are compelled to do as he tells you. You had been debating just leaving but as his eyes land on you as he closes the door you feel no regret. A look of dark satisfaction crosses his face and he slides his hand down his body drawing your attention to the thick bulge already forming at his crotch. 

‘Brava ragazza,’ he moans as he palms his dick through his trousers. ‘I do enjoy an obedient slut.’ You sit up straighter and open your mouth to object but the look he gives you has your jaw snapping closed. Part of you wants to argue still but then again you are sat naked in his dressing room after a handful of short conversations and half a day. Perhaps you don’t really have a standing there, and the way your body is already reacting to him, you don’t want to put an end to whatever is happening prematurely. He stands up straight and crooks his finger at you. ‘Come here cara.’ You rise slowly from the sofa, fighting the temptation to cover yourself. It is pointless you know, he will just insist you show him all of you anyway. He raises his hand bringing you to a halt in the centre of the room and he starts to pace, slowly, leisurely, around you, still not having taken his hand off his cock. 

‘Not just a nice pair of tits, eh?’ He comments as he circles you, taking in your body from every angle. You feel like a piece of meat, like prized livestock being inspected and again part of you wants to object but something tells you that if you do he will stop. And you really really don’t want him to stop. You start in surprise when he kneels down in front of you. That was not what you had expected him to do. 

‘Now let’s see how ready for me you are Cara, before I decide what to do with you.’ He doesn't break eye contact as he pulls off his glove with his teeth, one finger at a time before dropping it to the floor. He slides his now bare hand between your knees, encouraging you to spread your legs, then tracing his fingers up the inside of your thigh. ‘When I have finished with you, you will be soaked down to here you know.’ Your legs start to tremble at his touch.You want to press your legs together, to ease some of the ache in your cunt but you hope if you are patient you will get to feel his fingers at any moment. They are almost all the way up your thigh when he stops and sighs in disappointment.

‘Oh cara, I thought you wanted me, no?’ Looking down at his face you can still see the teasing look in his eyes. ‘Do you not want my touches? Is that why you are not already leaking down your thighs for me?’ He starts to pull away and in a panic you clamp your legs shut against his hand keeping him in place. He looks at you with a raised brow, questioning your audacity and you know you must do something to appease him. 

‘I’m sorry Papa, please don’t stop,’ you beg as you spread your legs once again. He doesn’t remove his hand from you thankfully continuing his path up your leg until the back of his fingers graze your pussy. It feels incredible already but as he slides his fingers between your folds you struggle to stay upright, your knees threatening to give out from that alone and you have to grip his shoulder for support when he teases at your entrance. But it seems he really is just checking how much he has turned you on because he pulls away, his smug satisfaction returning as he inspects the way your slick coats his fingers.        

‘This is a good start, si, but you are not ready yet Cara. Not for my cock, not here anyway.’ He slips his soiled fingers into his mouth groaning at the taste of you. ‘You taste sinful,’ he tells you. You gasp at the thought of his mouth on you but instead he stands leaving you still wanting for now. ‘Perhaps you want a taste of me too?’ He doesn’t wait for an answer, pushing you backwards until your legs meet the sofa forcing you to sit down and affording you a full view of his thick ever growing bulge. It must be painful with how tightly his trousers are laced and you want to free him but you look up first, feeling like you need permission. 

‘Go ahead cara.’ As soon as he says it you scramble to get him free. While lovely to look at the laces are frustrating and working them loose feels like it takes forever, that is, until you catch a glimpse of skin and hair and realise he isn’t wearing any underwear. You redouble your efforts knowing your prize is so much closer. You work them loose enough that you can pull his tight trousers down far enough that his still growing cock is revealed to you. It crosses your mind that this could be why he wants to make sure you are wet and ready enough because that thing has the potential to split you in half. You reach forward, eager to get your hands wrapped around him but he knocks them away. 

‘Hands down Cara. You have to earn being able to touch me.’ You quickly drop your hands to rest on your legs looking up at him impatiently. You want, you need, something so you decide to just look instead. It’s long, but also thick, so thick you think you would struggle to grasp it with one hand and it is so hard now that if you lean only slightly forward you would be able to take the pink head in your mouth and swallow down the precome gathering at the tip. Your mouth waters in anticipation of tasting him but you wait for his instruction, only able to pull your eyes away when he grasps the base with his own large hand. 

‘Open up Cara mia.’ He laces the fingers of his spare hand through your hair, guiding you forward as he directs his cock to your mouth but instead of sliding straight inside he traces the shape of your lips with the tip, groaning as he coats your mouth with his precome. He pulls away just enough that he can see your glazed lips. ‘Taste it,’ he commands so you lick your lips savouring the salty bitterness and he lets out another deep rumbling groan. ‘Bene cara, so obedient for papa.’ He strokes his fingers through your hair and you keen at the touch. ‘Now open again for me.’ This time he pushes the head through your lips letting it rest on your tongue. You want to close your lips, suck him in deeper but you wait for his direction. Both his hands cup the back of your head encouraging you to take him and although you can’t take all of him, you will be damned if you don’t try to take as much of him as you can. 

He is watching raptly as your lips stretch around him and you are impressed by his self control. He is a visibly holding back from fucking your face, you can tell from the way he is gritting his teeth but he must appreciate having to give you time to get accustomed to the size of him. Breathing deeply you focus on relaxing your jaw and easing him deeper and deeper, willing your gag reflex not to kick in as you do. He feels so good in your mouth you can feel your slick building between your legs as you imagine how he will feel filling your pussy. You moan around him, the size, the taste and the commanding way he is treating you already doing more than most of your past encounters.   

You pull away momentarily, a string of spit keeping you connected as you struggle to catch your breath. Deciding not to take him all the way down straight away, you kiss and lick your way down his considerable length, taking note of his low moans and hitching breaths. As you get to the base his tight trousers restrict you moving any further and both of your frustration is palpable. Before he can stop you, you grab at the waistband working the laces further open and giving you better access. His fingers tighten in your hair but he doesn’t stop you as your mouth finds his balls. 

Letting your hands wander along with your mouth you get your first feel of his thighs below the ripped fabric. You can feel the strength in them but there’s enough give that you can dig your fingers in as you pull him closer. You kiss your way back to his tip eager to get another taste of him but as you suck on his head his grip tightens encouraging you further and further down. You trail your hands around his thighs and up to his perfect ass, squeezing and hoping he understands the permission you are giving him to use your throat. He groans as he guides you further and further, all your concentration on keeping your throat as open, as relaxed as you can even as the burning stretch intensifies. You want to do it once, take him fully, to prove something. To him or yourself you aren’t sure but despite the discomfort you aren’t ready to stop quite yet. 

‘Can you take it eh?’ You hone in on his voice letting his slightly mocking encouragement help you to relax. ‘Just a little further cara and you will have all of me.’ His thumb comes to brush your cheek, massaging your stretched jaw. 

‘You look so good like this, look at me.’ You flick your eyes up to meet his intense gaze. ‘If I knew you were this good of a slut I would have had you earlier.’ You swallow around him as you realise how close you are, eyes going out of focus when you try and look how much of him you have left to take. 

‘So fucking eager aren’t you?’ His self restraint impresses you again as he lets you work your way down at your own pace. ‘You want to please your Papa don’t you by swallowing me all down.’ After what feels like forever you feel your nose against him and you have done it. It feels like there is no space left in your head for anything but him, consuming all your senses, all your thoughts. You feel a rush of something, satisfaction, pride or it could just be the lack of oxygen but it makes you moan around him which must be a step too far for him but in the next moment he has pulled out of you, leaving you coughing and spluttering as he grips the base of his cock and turns away from you.  

‘That is enough of that Cara. Touch yourself now.’ His back is to you so you know you don’t have to follow his orders instantly but as you try and steady your breathing you find yourself doing it anyway, dipping into your entrance with a groan before teasing your clit with slow slick circles. You watch intently as he peels his clothes off layer by layer. The jacket first, still sparkling in the overhead light. He takes care, hanging it on a moulded hanger hooked on the back of the door, straightening the lapels and smoothing out the creases in the sleeves. Next his boots, a simple zip inside of each and he is able to pull them off with ease lining them up first left, then right next to his scuffed brogues. 

When he reaches for his shirt buttons your mouth goes dry. He starts at the bottom, unbuttoning each button with a slow deliberate motion as more and more of his body is revealed to you. The groomed hair at the base of his cock thins out to a salt and pepper trail up his soft stomach and connects with his thick chest hair and you have to fight the urge to leave your position so you can run your fingers through it. The shirt gets discarded with little care and he moves on to the trousers. You are intrigued how he plans to get them off with any grace but you say nothing as he turns away again. 

The waistband is already sitting half way down his perfectly rounded ass thanks to your efforts but it takes some time for him to work the material down his thick thighs. You wonder if you should offer to help but before you make a decision he has managed to work them down to his knees and from there much less elegantly kicks them off. You have never felt so desperate to get your hands on someone in your life. He looks at you at last, as naked as you are, well except for the socks and notices you have paused your touches. 

‘Do you need me to take over now cara?’ He questions with a knowing smirk. You nod dumbly as you watch him saunter towards you, unable to settle on where you most want to look. His still achingly hard cock, his toned thighs, his broad chest or his handsome face. He was a feast for the eyes and you wanted him. Just as you think he is going to stop in front of you again he moves to drop down on the sofa beside you. He shuffles closer, laying his arm across the back of the sofa behind you and the other creeps across your thigh and underneath your own useless hand. 

‘Let me get you ready then.’ It seems he is done with his teasing as his fingers easily seek your entrance, sliding in with little resistance. He pumps them in and out, pressing down and spreading his fingers in an effort to stretch you enough to take him comfortably but not neglecting your pleasure either. His thumb grazes over your clit deliberately and he curls his fingers inside you as he finds your spot. You grip the arm rest as he pleases you, playing you as easily as he had played the crowd earlier in the evening. He adds a third finger and you start to feel the stretch but his whispered reassurances and stroking thumb work you through it until you are ready for more. 

‘I think you are ready now Cara.’ You keen at the loss of his fingers but he is already helping you into his lap, positioning you just so you will be able to control how much you take, at least for now. You grip his shoulders as you sink down so ready, you find yourself rushing. ‘Ah ah, now, we take our time or you might regret your haste tomorrow.’ You take a deep breath to steady yourself but you can still feel your limbs begin to shake as you struggle to hold your position. The long day and prolonged teasing make it hard to resist your exhaustion. You rely on him to guide you instead and one hand on your hip and the other directing his cock to your entrance. The first brush against you sends shivers through your body but you wait repeating to yourself over and over that it will be worth it. The tip breeches you and you feel your eyes roll back the stretch so deliciously overwhelming in spite of his preparation. 

‘Oh fuck yes,’ you hiss out as he allows you to press your hips down, taking him deeper and deeper. You want it all, just as you did in your mouth, greedy for the feel of him inside you. When you are fully seated you grind your hips slowly in his lap allowing yourself to get accustomed to the feeling. His eyes had slipped closed as your wet heat had enveloped him, his arms winding around your waist, keeping you close and not allowing you much movement but on a particularly deep grind he fucks directly into your sweet spot making your pussy clench down on him like a vice and his eyes snap back open. 

‘You feel so good cara, so fucking good,’ he growls taking a moment to bury his face between your boobs now you are at the perfect height. ‘I need more though, si? I need to fuck you hard and deep.’ Just his words have your insides fluttering, you need it as much as he seems to. 

‘Please Papa,’ you whisper against the top of his head. It takes all but seconds for him to lift your hips, turning you until you are bent over the arm of the sofa. He moves you like a ragdoll coming up behind you gripping your ass and spreading you open so he can survey the state of you, humming in satisfaction as he lines himself up. The stretch isn’t so all-encompassing the second time so you can appreciate exactly how well he fills you, although not for long as he picks up a driving rhythm, jolting you forward against the armrest and making your head spin. You had thought you had had good sex before, even great sex but you had never had anyone that managed to play your body so fully. There wasn’t a part of you that didn’t feel affected by the way he was fucking you and as much as you craved the climax you could feel building quickly within in you, you really did not want this feeling to end.  

‘Make yourself come on me Cara,’ he leans down to whisper in your ear somehow able to sense how close you are already. You don’t react straight away, not wanting to bring your inevitable end even closer but he is insistent, grasping your wrist, directing it to his chosen destination and leaving you with little choice. He switches his vice like grip to your shoulders, not only giving him enough leverage to slam into you but also helping to keep you upright and keep you working over your clit with quick sloppy strokes. 

Your orgasm crashes over you like a tidal wave but he gives you no respite.  His fingers dig into your shoulders, as he pulls you against him with every thrust. The sounds of slapping skin fill the room as he maintains the intensity with a spine shaking rhythm, the head of his cock pounding against your sweet spot over and over and over again. You think you might be screaming but as he fucks you through your climax you can't hear over the blood rushing in your ears. Your whole body convulses  and if it weren't for his bruising grip on your shoulder you would collapse. You are in a suspended state, pleasure clouding your mind completely as he fucks you to heights you have never before experienced and you can’t stop shaking. 

Your arms give out but he is there anchoring you against his chest, the coarse texture of his hair only adding to your over stimulation. He barely falters though, kneeling back and pulling you on top of him. He shifts his vice like grip to your hips, using your body weight to fuck you even deeper. With the change in angle something happens. Your last orgasm hasn’t fully passed but you can feel something else building, something far more intense. You start babbling nonsense not sure if you want him to stop or to please please continue but he just laughs, the vibrations travelling through your body where your sweaty skin is pressed together. You can feel your pussy clenching as he thrusts into you harder, faster, deeper and it builds and builds. 

‘Come on cara,’ he growls into your ear. ‘I can feel how close you are. Do you need something a little more?’ Unsure of what more he could possibly give you, you let your head loll back  onto his shoulder. His fingers creep down from your hip bone, inching lower and lower. As he reaches your cunt he doesn’t even graze your clit instead circling where you are stretched wide around his cock. ‘Fuck, I’m going to ruin this pretty pussy of yours.’ He pulls his hand away, relishing in your whines of loss but you weren’t prepared for his touch to return with a sharp slap directly to your clit. Once, twice and on the third time something inside you breaks. 

‘Oh fuck yes!’ he moans when the first wave squirts out of you, a brief panic crossing your mind until you realise what is happening. Wave after wave comes as his thrusts keep hitting home. He moans, feeling your spend drip down his thighs, milking you until there is nothing left and his pistoning hips start to slow. He presses sloppy kisses to your shoulder and neck, his arms coming to lock around you and keep you pressed against him. You cling to him as your strength leaves you and he eases you down until you are resting on the arm of the sofa once again. When he is sure you are settled he pulls away, sliding out of you completely and you whine at the sudden emptiness you feel. 

‘Hush Cara, just give me a moment.’ He eases you over on to your back, arranging your shaking limbs to his liking, bending you almost in half and holding your legs together. He has a perfect view of your already well used pussy, tracing around it softly with his finger before lining himself and fucking into you with a steady rhythm. ‘I love seeing a cunt like this, all pink and puffy for me.’ Grasping an ankle in each hand he spreads your legs apart giving him an even better view every time he sinks into you. ‘You are wrecked.’ He pants between thrusts. ‘Because I fucked you so well.’ You writhe beneath him moaning and gasping. You would have thought your last orgasm was your limit, the intense pleasure almost making you numb but now as he slides into you with so little resistance you can feel it building again. 

‘You almost ready for me to fill you up eh?’ He asks with a dark chuckle. He must sense how your body is starting to respond to him again, involuntarily clenching around his girth.   

‘Please,’ you whimper barely loud enough for him to hear.

‘You want me to fill you so when you go home back to your normal life you can still feel me dripping out of you,’ he whispers to you but you feel his words down to your core. He was determined to ruin you, completely and utterly you were sure of it. ‘So when you fill yourself with your fingers tomorrow, as you think about me, far away with the next willing hole, you will remember how no one has ever filled you so good.’ You can only moan, so far beyond words and so drunk on pleasure you can't even deny the vulgar things he is saying. You can’t imagine thinking of anything but him. He slows down, fucking into you with slow deep thrusts that fuck the air out of your lungs. 

‘I asked you a question.’ You groan as you realise he is waiting for some response. 

‘Do you not want to come again?’ His slow hard thrusts don’t falter and again you marvel at his self control. ‘Shall I just stop and jerk off until I can paint you instead?’ He stops moving all of a sudden, your full attention now on his words. ‘That option works for me too.’ Your eyes widen in panic as he starts to pull out until just the tip of his cock is still inside you.

‘Please,’ you say, not sure what you are begging for specifically but you need him to do something.

‘Please what?’ With what little strength you have left you try a wriggle back down his cock, enough of the tip inside you that if you could move just a bit he would slide straight back in but another stern look stops you. 

‘Please please Papa please.’ You are babbling again but you can’t stop yourself. He wants something specific from you and you want to give it to him so badly but you just can’t think.  

‘Please. What.’ His eyes darken when you fail to answer properly again. He lets go of your legs which drop against his shoulders now you no longer have the strength to hold them up and pinches your nipples cruelly. Your back automatically arches up off the sofa as your eyes roll back in your head. The sudden unexpected pain brings enough of your brain back online that you are able to form a somewhat coherent thought.   

‘Please please fuck me. Please let me come and please fill me up Papa please.’ You need him to fill you up, more than anything. 

‘Brava ragazza, that wasn't so hard was it.’ He strokes your now tingling nipples soothing the burn but as he massages the pain away he gets distracted by your breasts once again. He leans down between your legs burying his face between them, sucking and nipping and licking at your already abused skin. ‘Oh Cara, they are so beautiful,’ he laments into your chest. ‘I wish I was a younger man that I could fill you up and paint your perfect décolletage but no. I must choose.’ He drops a sloppy kiss to each nipple before sitting back up and smirking at you. He looks absolutely devastating, his face paint smudged and hair in disarray. 

‘And you begged so nicely.’ You were a whimpering mess by the time he began to fuck into you. He had been seated as deeply as he could have been inside you as he had been lavishing attention on your breasts but he had kept up the slow grinding circle of his hips, pushing the head of his cock impossibly deeper and massaging spots you never before knew existed inside of you. But as he picks up the pace again, short sharp thrusts angled perfectly to make you see stars, you know you won’t last much longer. 

‘Come for me cara, one last time for Papa.’ He almost sounds like he is begging now, needing to wring one last orgasm from you before he can take his own. You can already feel it building like a crescendo inside you. Every slap of his hips against you, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. He reaches for your clit circling it in time with his thrusts and you are so close it barely takes a moment and you are there. 

‘Yes Papa,’ you breathe with the last bit of air left in your body. It ripples over you and you feel yourself clamp down on him. Nothing registering but blissful rolls of pleasure and his faltering thrusts as he joins you, tipping over the edge. He rides you both through it, filling you up just as he promised and as he collapses against you, face buried in your chest once more you start to drift away. 

You come too to the feeling of a gloved hand stroking your hair and gently scratching your scalp. You stretch, enjoying the delicious burn of well used muscles. Tomorrow is going to be a struggle but it was so worth it. You start to take in more of your surroundings. You are still naked but a blanket has been placed over you and your head is resting on what you decide is probably a soft warm thigh. Your eyes blink open and all you see is burgundy cotton until you look up and see his paint free face smiling down at you having noticed you are finally awake. 

‘Welcome back Cara Mia,’ his voice sounds different, more like the man you first met this morning. You would be confused if you weren't so blissed out so you return his nervous smile as you try to sit yourself up. He looks at you in slight alarm quickly placing the silly little juice box you hadn't noticed until now so he could use both hands to help you get upright. He pulls the blanket up over you so you are still covered and reaches down beside the sofa, struggling to find whatever it was he was trying to reach. You watch quietly wondering what the hell he is doing when with an exaggerated 'ahah' he produces a new juice box and offers it to you with a flourish. 

‘For you? To help after all the screaming?’ You look between him and the little carton of apple juice. This guy, you can't control the half hysterical giggle that escapes from you at the absurdity of the situation. That this absolute sex god that may have just given you the best fuck of your life wound down afterwards by sharing apple juice. You accept it because why not and try to subdue your giggles but he doesn't look offended, the slightly nervous yet content smile still on his face as he picks up his own juice box. 

‘Thank you Papa,’ you say after your first sip, pleasantly surprised at how well it quenches your thirst. Maybe he is on to something with the juice.

‘Copia you can call me Copia,’ he offers, ducking his head down to try and hide the flush of his cheeks. ‘If you want that is,’ he adds, managing to make eye contact with you again. He is nervous and you are confused but you feel a warm feeling of affection towards him for reasons you don’t have the brain capacity to pick apart right now. 

‘Ok Copia,’ you say with a tired smile. ‘Thank you.’ You both lapse into a comfortable silence with your juice and the aftershocks of pleasure still coursing through you when the odd thought pops into your still somewhat addled head. This was the best consequence to being lazy about your washing you had ever experienced.

[whumpy-wyrms]

cannot stop thinking about how whumpy it must’ve been when i was given the anesthesia and passed out earlier. like even before the laughing gas i was SHAKING and TREMBLING in fear i fucking HATE needles. but i was also smiling the whole time because my fear response isn’t fight flight fawn or freeze it’s just. to laugh. for some reason. anyway after i got the laughing gas i was smiling and giggling even more and also shaking a lot more in both fear of what was gonna happen and also probably the laughing gas. they told me to take deep breaths which i did, still freaking out though. i started panicking even more when they put the IV in my arm, like wow that was horrifying i must’ve looked sooooo scared wooow.. so much fear.. (whumpers you know where to find me). anyway i eventually followed their advice and took deep breaths, knowing that it would make the laughing gas effect me quicker, but i did it anyway because its all i could do.

(more under the cut because i couldn’t shut up and this got long)

and guys. guys. THEN. then i started thinking about Anton and imagining i was his test subject and he was just doing an experiment on me and let me tell you. the way pure CALMNESS just WASHED over my entire body. like before i walked into the room i was like “anton save mee save me anton haha lol”. and then anton DID save me. in a way. but yeah i mean i KNEW that would happen because thinking about anton literally always calms me down anyway but i just thought that was funny lmao. woow

okay so then they injected me with the anesthesia. i don’t think i really felt it. then they put a rubber thing in my mouth to keep it wide open, and i was just thinking “haha wow they gagged me that’s gotta be one of my favorite whump tropes.” i just stared straight ahead (i couldn’t really turn my head anyway with the way the chair was set up), struggling hard to keep my eyes open, breathing really deeply, barely able to form a coherent thought.

i do NOT remember falling asleep. like one moment i was sitting there eyes wide and breathing heavily, staring at the doctors on either side of me, and the next i was like all woozy flopping around in the chair, head lolling to the side as the doctors were telling me to wake up. it was sort of a blur, i had NO idea what was going on at ALL. i remember slurring as i talked, telling the doctors i wanted to keep my wisdom teeth. they laughed and asked why and i just kept repeating that i wanted them to let me keep them (they did let me keep them! i’m gonna put them in a little jar like a mad scientist). then i kept asking for my phone and they gave it to me. they put me in a wheelchair to take me to the car because i could NOT walk, i was stumbling around, completely unable to stand or sit up straight, and when we got to the car i just flopped into the passenger seat like i was DIZZY. and i was also a bit nauseous. blood in my mouth and all that. oh i also had gauze in my mouth which definitely made talking a lot more difficult

so i really barely talked, i don’t think i said much else which i’m kinda happy for because i was high as FUCK and did not wanna ramble about a bunch of weird oc lore to my mom. i KNOW i would’ve talked about anton and/or silas nonstop. but i just went on my phone instead which is when i made all those posts from earlier LOL. those typos were genuinely not on purpose at all. i could not type. i’m being fully serious.

here’s a screenshot from my discord server of me attempting to type “holy shit i can’t type.” and as you can see, it was, well, TRUE

anyway yeah i just curled up in my seat on the car ride home, i wasn’t on my phone much because i was still really tired and it was hard to keep my eyes open and stay awake. the car seat was leaned back really far so i was laying down and could not see out of the car windows (but my eyes were closed so it didn’t really matter). but i just remember feeling every turn of the car and trying to guess where we were driving as if i was a whumpee who’d just been kidnapped and was trying to memorize the directions. as you can tell i knew this situation would be whumpy as fuck and didn’t hesitate to make a bunch of silly connections.

so then we got home and there’s not much else that happened. i just took a lot of pills and washed out my mouth and put more gauze in and then went to sleep. it didn’t hurt that much at all because of. the drugs and stuff. i slept for a long time and woke up feeling back to normal, in the way i wasn’t high af anymore. yeah so now my mouth kinda hurts but i have painkillers so it’s fine. i ate lasagna like 20 minutes ago. i’m probably not supposed to eat lasagna. i did it anyway (i took very very teeny tiny nibbles it was very basil core).

anyway that’s it i think! dunno why i wanted to share this whole experience but i thought it was kinda funny the way i kept finding whump in everything hahaha (like i said, my actual fear response is literally to LAUGH and GIGGLE at everything in fear. this needs to be used more in this community imo. and i think… i have a new oc for that actually…. teehee….. ominous.. very ominous dot dot dots…..)

but really this isn’t as bad as i thought it’d be. it’s gonna suck to eat a bunch of soft food and stuff but overall it’s not bad. at least for me. obviously this was only my experience and everyone’s will be different. i do kinda see the humor in everything whenever i’m in a bad or painful situation so that might also be why this is easier for me, idk! hope u all found this at least a little entertaining because i know i did haha

[mallgothyamaguchi]

ive seen that all of your bookmarks are tskym and you dont have many of them (not that thats a bad thing!!!) could you give a bookmark tour and like give a reveiw of each?

ofc! tsukkiyama bookmark tour begin!

autumn by windofjune - this fic is ongoing but i'm just totally in love with the author's writing style. essentially, tsukishima and yamaguchi have had mutual feelings for a long time, but nothing was ever acted upon, so in college, they begin to drift apart from one another even when living in the same apartment. tsukishima faces an injury to his knee and yamaguchi gets dumped by his boyfriend, leading to their slow-burning reconciliation as they both recover from their emotional and physical injuries. everything is so beautifully written and i'm not-so-patiently waiting for chapter 8 hehe

Sleeping Habits by BlueColoredDreams - piece written in a series of vignettes as tsukishima and yamaguchi grow older, ending in their high school years. very sweet and very fluffy. i'm a snuggler, so any fic that involves sleeping and cuddling, i'm there.

(Not) A bad day by WhereDoesTheTimeGo - yamaguchi has a bad day, and all of his insecurities bubble up, so tsukishima comforts him. they both have their own self-doubts and insecurities unveiled, but everything's okay with a snuggle and first kiss. you will notice there is a pattern in my fic tastes, lol.

Home Is Where The Heart Is by Pepper_Moon - very short and sweet domestic fic about the two moving in together in a cottage in the countryside after marrying. artist yamaguchi and writer tsukishima. SO COTTAGECORE. the author is also currently writing a chaptered piece for day 1 of tsukkiyama week i'm very much looking forward to reading!

just ourselves by beefybuttlord - another short and sweet fic where hinata asks yamaguchi what his relationship with tsukishima really is. essentially it's a "what are we" fic. puts how i think their canon relationship is in 800 words.

hottaru-kun by palebluestings - very much plays around with the significance of names and naming conventions in japanese culture, and the different ways kanji can be read. tsukishima has started calling yamaguchi 'tadashi', but yamaguchi still calls him 'tsukki'. also, cue tsukishima being a little jealous of yamaguchi hanging out with his brother. it's a cute and thoughtful fic.

The sign on your heart said it's still reserved for me. by yamaguchiforpresident - as they get older, yamaguchi gets more and more attention from girls (and guys), and by their third year, tsukishima realizes he's in love with his best friend. lots of pining from tsukishima, and does he do anything about it? hmmm... a little bit of yamayama (at least from tsukishima's perspective), so yet again, jealous tsukishima >:)

Won't You Stay For The Ride? (The Views Will Be Nice) by xxet - self-hating tsukishima begins to have his walls broken down by yamaguchi as they grow up. tsukishima is totally whipped, and everyone knows. flips back and forth between past and present throughout. good mix of fluff and angst.

i wish to be found by TheFledglingDM - ok this one isn't in my bookmarks but i'm actually obsessed with this fic i'm shocked i didn't bookmark it. essentially a 'You've Got Mail' au, where yamaguchi is a small bookstore owner who took it over after his mother passed and tsukishima is a financial executive for a chain bookstore with aspirations to become a published author. when tsukishima helps to make the decision to put a store location near yamaguchi's bookstore, yamaguchi fears he may be put out of business. unknowingly, for a whole year prior, they've been online best friends over discord. mistaken identity, enemies to lovers, influence of and allusions to pride & prejudice, what more could you want from a fic? so skillfully written. i will never shut up about it. i finished it a month ago and i think about it every other day.

hope you enjoyed my thoughts on these fics! honestly, i haven't been reading many fics recently since life got pretty busy and then that makes me pretty tired and i've been very focused on writing my own fics...but! with all the entries for tsukkiyama week i have so much new content to read. i'm still pretty new to ao3 (it's been a little over a year since i started reading fics on there), so that kind of explains why my bookmarks list is pretty short, and also i tend to bounce between different forms of reading like manga to physical books to fanfiction. kind of just depends on what my mood is at the moment. now that i've started writing, i've really been fueling my tsukkiyama brainrot into that, lol. when it's slow at work, i'm collecting ideas in my brain for them.

bottomline: tsukkiyama will always and forever be my #1, so if there's a fic i'm reading it and if they have zero fans, i'm dead.

[toutallyahoe]

college started and im already tired but yee twisting tiger thirst that i sent in discord a while back and now finally sharing it to yall

anyways, i saw all those supa strikas request yall and im very happy seeing you fuckers finally reached my blog. jesus fuck ive been waiting for years where were yall?!? smh /jk

warnings? horny

"Ahh! On second thought, nevermind!" Klaus shakily said as he left his teammate and went back to his seat on the Strika Jet, leaving the redhead behind on the back. Tiger only chuckled at Klaus's reaction to the video as he put back his noise cancelling headphones and made himself comfortable again. Once he was relaxed and comfortable, Tiger looked back at his phone and switched back to the video he was watching before Klaus had interrupted him.

Breathy moans and choke out gasps filled his headset again as Tiger watched the video, not like the one he had shown Klaus before as this one was filmed rather in a position where it can lead to a scandal if the video ever gets out. And that made Tiger excited and grinned on the outside as he focused his attention.

After all, it was his scandal.

The video seemed to be filmed in position above the headboard of the bed as it was filming two people. A man who didn't seem to be obviously there as the camera was angled for him not to be the focus, only his lower half can be seen and his hands that laid on the waist of the main star of the video, Twisting Tiger himself.

Tiger looked like a mess and so fucked out on the screen. He was naked and his hips desperately moving, jumping at a cock with so much eagerness. His hair that was normally styled was down and a mess as some stick to his forehead in sweat. Tiger's eyes were far beyond what it normally was as it was full blown wide open with tears falling down them while his lips were red and bruised as he drooled. In the corner of his lips, Tiger suspiciously has a white stain and it doesn't take a genius what that was from just seeing what he was doing.

Going down, Tiger's body was filled with so many marks. His neck and shoulder had red and purple marks all over and his chest also had bite marks, especially on his nipples that were red and puffy from the abuse it got earlier. And lowering your gaze again you can see a bump on the fucked out man's toned stomach, the bump getting more obvious each time Tiger slammed himself on the unknown man's cock.

"F-fuck! Fuck! Fuck! [Name]!" Tiger squealed, revealing the unseen man's name once [Name]'s hands that gripped on his waist had grown tighter as his nails dug against Tiger's skin. [Name] slammed Tiger down on his cock harshly which made the other let out a loud scream as [Name] continued on. [Name] would often times thrust upwards, meeting Tiger's eager bounces on his cock that would always make Tiger scream and moan, mind finally gone as he babbled who knows what the camera could not pick up.

But Tiger knew what he was saying at that moment. He recalled it rather vividly as he continued to watch his video on screen with a serene smile on his face. God, he can't wait for this game to be over so he can see [Name] again because Tiger knew, a new video would be made for his enjoyment in his away games.

[dsaf-confessions]

important announcement

okay so modred here!!! and i am about to share my total, unbiased, unfiltered and honest thoughts.

i am leaving the blog

yes yes i know i try to act unbothered by everything but its scary how everything changed so fast! did you know i was actually considering sharing my main on here because i thought this place was so chill? safe to say im glad i did not do that.

i've tried to win the idgaf war but the truth is its killing me. im fighting in the idgaf war and im losing. it feels like its been months since it started, but its not even been three weeks. just over two, im pretty sure. its not even been three weeks since i've turned 15 years old!

two days after my 15th birthday this started!! what unfortunate timing. and honestly, ive got exams in less than a month, and i've been so stressed about everything. not just exams, not just internet drama, but like a secret third thing too.

its super scary to admit im being stressed out by all of this considering that there are people whove taken pride in upsetting me and for what crime? they're old posts. i was 14 when i posted them. id apologised. id listened to advice. i'd improved. but all because one day someone decided they didn't like the blog, this entire account collapsed and so did my mental health with it it seemed.

i dont like being honest. i just like to laugh about everything. i know certain people are going to be laughing and proud that they've made me leave this blog while reading this post, and while thats the reason ive been scared to leave this whole time, they're going to do that anyway. they're going to keep hating me. so the least i could do is try to put myself first rather than try to push through it using spite as my motivator.

i know there will likely be people bragging on their accounts that they've made me leave (im aware of what people are saying). and that upsets me. i wont lie. but at the end of the day, if you find yourself being proud of making a newly turned 15 year old leave an account that they once found comfort in, then thats more of a judge of character about you than me.

its scary how people can decide that they don't like you one day and make a post ruining everything, and its scary how people can act comforting to your face and then go ahead and brag about how upset they've made you to someone else, but in the end i cannot control what people say and at the end of the day i can only control what i do and who i surround myself with and thats why im leaving.

im not leaving the discord, or the dsaf fandom at all, but i am getting far away from this blog and blocking everyone who hates me because thats all i can do. all i can request is that if you know who i am, keep it secret. and if you somehow find me, please dont try to talk to me.

i think i'll just talk with my friends and post my silly little art and things without becoming a known name. its the only way to exist in fandom i think.

but wait! this blog wont die!

you see, as you were reading this post with tears in your eyes, i had secretly been assigning not just one, but two new admins for the blog! i trust them to keep it running, but also if you guys treat them terribly i give them full permission to delete this entire account. they need to put themselves first too.

so, my last words to the dsaf confessions blog?

change da world. my final message. goodbye. /ref

uhh just kidding!! final message is: if you dont like this blog, block it. if you dont like me, then we'll leave this here and forget this drama ever happened. dont try to make my past mistakes these guys problems. as soon as i hit post im leaving this blog, so any hate you try to send towards me will not go through to me. you wont even be screaming into the void either, just at some innocent people.

thats all i have to say. ily all!!! /p

-modred