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ladyartemesia · 4 years ago

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The Kiss

◐ PART VIII of THE ALPHA ◐

◐ Series Masterlist ◐

◐ Part I ◐ Part II ◐ Part III ◐ Part IV ◐ Part V ◐ Part VI ◐ Part VII ◐

Pairing: Alpha Werewolf Jimin x Omega Reader

Rating: Hard Mature 18+ (for this installment)

Warnings: this one is a little darker, descriptions of violence, ABO sexual dynamics including discussion of scenting, marking, mating, and claiming, strong sexual innuendo, discussion of violence relating to ritual combat, possessive behavior, injuries and discussion of injuries, lots of people have, use and are threatened by knives, kidnapping and drugging, its not as bad as it sounds, but it is definitely a bit darker…

Word Count: 4250

Author’s Note: I said it before but it bears repeating...You have no idea what your support has meant to me. Truly your asks and your messages and comments…they made me so happy. You made me believe that people wouldn’t forget about this story. I am so grateful you were able to wait. As many of you know I faced a medical emergency recently and you were all so lovely. The best followers on this site and I MEAN that. As always, my angels @ppersonna @xjoonchildx and @untaemedqueen were (and continue to be) the best betas and the best friends anyone could ask for. My thanks to ALL of you for helping me bring this story to life! I don’t know what I would do without your daily encouragement and your daily support. You guys are the heartbeat of this story. It wouldn’t be here without you.

——◐——

Two Years Ago

——◐——

Centuries ago the moon goddess stumbled across her human soulmate while he was sleeping. Struck by his beauty, but reluctant to reveal her identity, the goddess began to visit him in his dreams where she could hide her true form and appear before him as a mortal woman.

In the world of dreams their love flourished and from that blessed union the packs were born…

The wolf nations celebrated this sacred romance every ten years during the Festival of the Lover’s Moon…

The day of the festival was spent eating and drinking and dancing at large parties, but when the sun went down… well—

That’s when things got really interesting.

On the night of Lover’s Moon the young unmated wolves of the pack were permitted to commemorate this legendary love story in a decidedly scandalous manner.

The unmated men assumed the role of the goddess’s sleeping lover—they were blindfolded (to represent slumber) and led into a large sectioned off area of the dark forest to ‘wait and dream.’

Unmated she-wolves over the age of maturity (eighteen) took herbal scent suppressors and ventured out into that very same forest in order to anonymously ‘visit’ the young men ‘in their dreams’...

The rules for what exactly that meant were pretty fast and loose which was why Min Yoongi was thanking the goddess and every other deity he could think of that Yunli was still seventeen.

“But I will be eighteen in two days! Please can’t I just—“

“No. Absolutely not under any circumstances ever.”

“But Yoonji is going!”

“Ji-ah is nearly nineteen and has never been interested in any of the snotty little man-pups of our pack.” He snorted. “She’s probably going out just so she can shove a bunch of them in the lake.”

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Yunli mumbled irritably.

Kim Taehyung yawned idly and snuggled into the cozy little pallet he prepared at the base of his favorite tree. The blindfold he and all the other unmated ‘lovers’ wore was made from witchcloth and could not be removed while the sun was down—so he had snuck into the forest earlier to set everything up.

Now all he had to do was wait until—

“H-Hi Taehyung.”

Oh sh—

“Uh. Hello...Miss.”

Taehyung didn’t recognize the owner of that voice, but he knew for sure who it wasn’t.

“I was hoping to find you tonight.”

This is not good.

“Well I’m—I’m flattered… naturally but—”

She touched his hand and he squeaked.

“I was thinking you and I might get to know each other a little bet—eep!”

The sharp point of a custom blade pressed directly into the unfortunate young beta girl’s pulse point.

“Are you lost, puppy?”

A heavy cloak obscured the newcomer’s features, but there was no mistaking her meaning.

Taehyung bit his lip to keep from snorting as the poor she-wolf scrambled away.

“Ji-ah,” he tsked with feigned disapproval, “that wasn’t very nice.”

Min Yoonji grinned as she sheathed her wicked looking dagger and slid languidly into his arms.

“You don’t like nice girls, Kim Taehyung.”

“I like you,” he whispered breathlessly against her lips. “Nice or not—it doesn't matter to me…” His hands slid greedily over her soft curves—pulling her closer till he felt the beat of her heart against his own. “I’ll like anything as long as it’s you.”

This was the stupidest idea in the history of stupid ideas.

Jimin huffed as he struggled to find a comfortable position against the giant boulder he’d chosen as his perch.

Why did I let Taehyung talk me into this?

He could be at home—in bed—comfortably sleeping off the all-day feast he’d indulged in.

Instead he was out in the middle of the forest sitting blindfolded on a rock in the off chance that one of the she-wolves was out looking for him.

Not bloody likely.

Not when prime targets like Namjoon, Hoseok, Jungkook—and countless others—were scattered throughout the woods.

“Park Jimin?”

Every hair on Jimin’s body stood on end.

It was a soft whisper—the speaker clearly didn’t want her voice to be recognized, yet something about the sound sent a curious frisson of interest down his spine.

He gulped.

“Yes… that’s me. But if you’re looking for Hoseok he’s just a little deeper in. You probably caught his scent downwind so—”

“I’m not looking for Hoseok.”

Jimin licked his lips and the sight of it sparked a odd curl of heat in the pit of your belly.

“I don’t know where anyone else is…”

“That’s quite alright.” A muted shuffle of movement reached his ears as you settled down beside him. “I was looking for you.”

“Oh…” He rubbed the back of his neck idly. “Are you sure?”

Laughter like fairy bells whispered through the air and Jimin felt his heart clench.

Don’t get your hopes up.

“Who are you?”

You were silent for a long time and then—

“I am someone who owes you a debt. One I have never been able to repay.”

Jimin’s head tilted curiously as he considered your words.

“I’m sorry, miss… you must be mistaken. There isn’t—“

“You don’t remember.”

It was a statement—not a question. Your voice was nearer now. He could feel the warmth of your body close to his—though not quite touching. “It was your wolf that saved me. But you had not gone through the Change yet.”

Familiar shame spiked sharply in his chest.

“I’m seven years past the Change...Why have you never mentioned this before?”

“Circumstances prevented me from doing so.”

There was a cold finality to your pronouncement—which of course did nothing but further inflame his curiosity.

“Then why come to me now?”

“I’ve come to repay you.”

Jimin’s mouth dropped open.

Were you trying to—?!

“Oh—no please that-that’s not necessary—I could never take advantage of—”

You giggled again.

“I am not offering my body, Park Jimin.”

Jimin breathed a heavy sigh of relief then shook his head with a wry chuckle.

“Well considering the circumstances I can hardly be blamed for assuming you might be. And honestly most men would jump at the chance to—”

“You...are not most men.”

Jimin’s eyes narrowed beneath his blindfold.

“Little she-wolf—I may not be wrestling bears for fun or bare knuckle boxing in the town square, but I am still an alpha.”

The weight of his command poured over your body as he spoke the last word. There was no order or intent—he had simply given you a taste of his power.

Aside from your direct blood relatives, no alpha had ever dared unleash their compel in your presence—therefore you were utterly unprepared for the effect it had on you—

Utterly unprepared for the strange surge of want so potent and profound that it stole the breath from your body.

It was primal—invigorating—

Sensual.

You and your wolf may not have been entirely connected yet, but she was suddenly quite vocal about her desire to fully bask in Park Jimin’s attention.

A wicked grin played over his lips as he leaned in closer and you could almost feel the soft brush of his lips against your cheek.

“Did you think I would not desire the touch of a beautiful woman in the moonlight?” he whispered.

Please touch me, Alpha.

Your eyes widened.

Dear goddess. Your inner wolf was turning out to be a shameless hussy.

“You might desire it, but you are far too honorable to accept it as payment for a debt.”

Jimin drew back warily.

You were correct of course. After all he had refused you when he believed that was your intent but—

“How could you know that?”

Evade. Evade now.

“Well... how could you know I was beautiful? You’re blindfolded.”

He shrugged and your wolf took careful note of the way it made all the pretty muscles in his back and shoulders ripple.

He will give us such strong—

Oh boy.

He will do no such thing. Please calm down.

“Not everything must be seen with your eyes.”

Is that how you found me? All those years ago...

Questions churned chaotically beneath your consciousness but you dared not give voice to them.

Focus.

“I must repay this debt. Ask for what you want and—if it is in my power—I swear it will be yours.”

Jimin smiled again, but this time it was somehow softer. For a moment he looked almost…

Sad.

“I’m afraid that the only thing I have ever wanted is not within your power to give...and I dare not ask you or anyone else for it.”

For her.

He sighed and drew even farther away from you—in fact it seemed like he was preparing to leave.

No.

Your hand reached out almost of it's its own accord and wrapped tightly around his wrist. The contact sent a shock of searing heat through his veins and he froze.

“Please alpha. It is not acceptable for someone like me—” a leader, a Luna, “—to owe another my life and offer nothing in return. You must let me pay my debt.”

Omega, his wolf growled, sweet perfect omega.

Suppressors may have hidden your scent, but the siren song of an omega pleading prettily in his ear was unmistakable—irresistible…

“What if all I want is your name?”

You sighed deeply.

“I cannot give you that. My name is… not mine to offer.”

Jimin laughed.

“A woman I cannot remember with a name I cannot know and whose face I cannot see.” He shook his head. “Perhaps you are just a figment of my imagination.”

It was hard to explain what happened next...For whatever reason his words cut you deeply and you were overcome with the desire—no need—to refute them somehow.

“I’m real enough,” you whispered, bringing his hand to your cheek.

Jimin was genuinely beginning to wonder if you were a witch as well as a she-wolf. Being close to you was intoxicating and the urge to draw you in was steadily overpowering every other thought.

“Could I ask you for a kiss, then?”

“You—...You saved my life and all you want... is a kiss?”

The air grew heavier as the strange magnetic pull between you swelled to a silent inescapable crescendo.

“In Seoul I often searched for someone who could ease my loneliness, yet each time I walked away emptier than before.” His thumb brushed gently over your lips and your eyes fluttered shut. “I have never had a kiss that meant anything to me.”

But yours might.

It was unclear who moved first, whether he pulled you to him or you surged forward but when your bodies aligned and your lips met his for the first time it was as if you had never been separate from one another.

As if you had always been deeply—intimately —together.

The indescribable feel of him lit over your senses like a struck match. It was an ignition in the purest sense of the word— a fiery visceral awakening fueled by a consuming flood of desire.

Yes, Alpha.

He might never see your face or hear your name, but Jimin knew he would remember the taste of you for the rest of his life. It was hot and bright like liquid sunshine— a pure relentless light flowing through him where there was once only darkness.

A soft needy moan rose up from your chest and he growled in primal satisfaction as you melted against him.

Your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt of their own accord, desperately trying to bring him closer until he wrapped his arms around you in a heated embrace.

“Please,” he begged breathlessly against your mouth. “Please tell me who you are.”

The words crashed over you like a bucket of ice —dousing the hazy pleasure of his kiss with a cold bite of reality. Suddenly you were wrenching yourself away from him and your wolf whimpered in misery at the loss of his touch.

“I can’t,” you whispered.

And then you were gone.

“Did someone hurt you?”

You looked up to find Jin taking in your tears with cold fury.

Twin knives were already gleaming dangerously in his hands and he appeared ready to filet whichever bastard was foolish enough to make you cry.

“No,” you sniffed—well aware of how pitiful you were at the moment—crying in the corner of your cousin’s kitchen. “I got myself into this mess without any help—as usual.”

Jin sighed and slid down next to you.

“Tell me.”

“Something happened that I…I didn’t intend.”

“Oh I knew that already. The Luna isn’t supposed to be running around on the night of Lover’s Moon in a forest full of blind horny wolves—“

You snorted and shook your head.

“You’re absolutely right. I should have stayed away.”

Jin’s eyes narrowed and he wondered if perhaps you had caught Kim Namjoon with another omega. Nothing would be official until after the Change of course, but your bond with him was basically a foregone conclusion at this point.

“You went looking for someone...didn’t you.”

You nodded miserably—all but confirming his fears. He made a mental note to push Namjoon in the swamp at the next available opportunity.

“You know... the stories say that a Luna is powerfully drawn to her mate under the Lover’s Moon—that her wolf can sense him even before the Change.” He reached over and gently began to brush the tears from your eyes. “So it’s not surprising that you sought him out, but it’s not really fair to hold whatever it is you saw against him. There is no relationship between you yet and…” he chuckled, “kisses beneath festival moonlight don’t really mean anything anyways.”

It was clear that Jin had somehow gotten the entirely wrong impression, but perhaps that was for the best.

No one knew of your connection to Jimin and no one had seen what passed between you.

Still…

Something about his assessment stung you.

“You really believe that? ...That a kiss exchanged tonight means nothing?”

“I do.” Jin spoke with conviction. “There’s ancient magic at play in those woods. You can’t always trust what you see—or what you feel.”

“Oh I...I didn’t know…”

After a moment you laid your head against his shoulder and let the last of your tears run silently down your cheek.

“Jin-ah have you ever wanted something you knew you couldn’t have?”

“Yes.” He sighed heavily and pulled you in to snuggle a bit closer. “When I was younger I dreamed of having a mate just like everyone else…”

The words were so softly spoken—almost wistful. Your heart splintered just hearing them.

“But… she could be out there—your mate.”

Jin shook his head.

“When is the last time you heard of a female alpha?”

Fresh tears welled up in your eyes.

“Jin…”

“Hey,” he whispered, “don’t waste your crying on me. I’ve long since come to terms with who and what I am.”

“You’re not sad anymore?”

“Well… maybe sometimes I am… but I had to accept that people like us are not like everyone else. Our destinies were written long before we were born.”

“And you believe you’re destined to be alone?”

“Wolves in a pack are never really alone.”

“Yes...but they can be lonely,” you whispered thinking back to Jimin’s words.

For a moment Jin’s eyes were the saddest you had ever seen them.

“Well...I suppose they can.” Then he chuckled and gave your nose an affectionate little tap. “But you don’t need to worry about that. When the time comes Namjoon will take his place at your side and the two of you will build a wonderful life together... Isn’t that what you want?”

Isn’t it?

Your treacherous thoughts drifted back to the boy in the moonlight—to the way your body sang when he touched you and the strange insatiable desire to know him and be known by him in return.

“Please...Tell me who you are.”

A heavy ache settled in your heart.

You were the Luna of the mountain nations. A true born moon princess.

You could never be the woman who kissed Park Jimin underneath the stars.

You were not like everybody else.

“...Yes. That is what I want.”

——◐——

Now

——◐——

Jimin’s heart pounded as he tore through the dark paths of the wood with Taehyung, Yoongi, and Jungkook close behind.

He had never led an attack—had never been trained to command wolves in battle.

It was his first true test of leadership and he hadn’t even been a leader for twenty-four hours.

Yet the fears and anxieties that might have normally clouded his mind were notably absent.

There was only you.

Ironically Jimin owed Namjoon yet another debt—this time for explaining what exactly someone like him was capable of.

The alpha Jin captured had given up their plan and position after being exposed to Jimin’s unique gifting, so he had a concrete target in his mind… He suspected however, that your captors had taken precautions after leaving some of their men behind. They had shifted their camp.

But it wouldn’t be enough to save them.

Jimin didn’t need your location to find you.

He spent years refusing to look at you, and even then he always knew exactly where you were. He could sense you in any crowd—hear your voice in a thousand.

Once it had tormented him cruelly to be so aware of you.

Now it was the only thing keeping him sane.

He followed the connection between his heart and yours like a lifeline and it guided him as surely as the stars.

The alphas followed him without question.

If any of them harbored lingering doubts before, they were firmly laid to rest after what they saw at the cottage. No ordinary wolf could do what he had done.

The Alpha would bring back their Luna and retribution would be swift indeed.

The drugs in your system kept swinging you in and out of lucidity like a nightmarish pendulum. You tried to shift after the initial nausea faded, but whatever they gave you kept your wolf caged beneath your skin.

Jimin

The longing you felt for your mate was the only thing tethering you to reality. You could almost hear him echoing in the far corners of your mind—

I’m coming Omega—hold on.

I’ll find you.

Part of you recognized that his voice was likely nothing more than the wistful creation of your drug-addled mind, still you clung to it like the last shred of hope while the minutes (or hours) flew past.

Chaos clouded your thoughts even in clearer moments as many unavoidable concerns forced their way through the haze.

Jin was at the house with you when they broke in. You had no way of knowing if he survived.

The men who took you were crass and irreverent. Their eyes followed your form with too much interest and too little respect.

It was starting to get cold and (due to you nearly dismembering a high council member and needing to be compelled unconscious) you were still wearing a thin white ceremonial dress which offered very little protection from the elements.

You wondered idly if your idiot captors would let you freeze to death before they accomplished whatever it was they took you for. They clearly needed you for something or you would have been long dead by now.

None of them struck you as particularly brilliant planners so the mastermind must be somewhere else...

Frankly the entire situation was as puzzling as it was troubling. Iron Claw had always gotten along well with your pack.

Technically they were (almost) what the human governments called a vassal state. The presence of a Luna determined the dominant pack in a region and the Luna of the mountain nations had been born into Silver Fang—your pack—for the last thousand years or so.

Why would they challenge us now?

The birth of a Luna indicated that the goddess had chosen that pack to lead. Their willingness—not only to kidnap you—but to go against the dominant pack by doing so was alarming to say the least.

A sudden explosion of movement and sound interrupted your contemplation. Motion erupted all around you—boots pounding on the ground, men falling into their wolf forms, knives being drawn…

You lifted your head—straining forward to see the source of the commotion—and nearly collapsed in relief when you finally did.

Alpha

Your mate stood at the edge of the camp flanked by two enormous black wolves.

A deadly looking jingum sword gleamed dangerously in his right hand. You recognized it immediately as your great-grandfather’s combat blade—the thousand year-old weapon of the Silver Fang Alphas.

Relief flooded your chest all over again at the sight of it. Only Jin could have given him that sword—which meant he was still alive.

The black wolves—Yoongi and Jungkook—snarled viciously but made no move to attack.

Your captors were still scrambling into some sort of combat formation when Jimin finally spoke.

“You have violated our sacred laws, trespassed in sovereign pack lands, kidnapped a Luna under the protection of our goddess, abducted the mate of the Silver Fang Alpha, and risked open war between our peoples.” He took a single step forward. “Surrender now and I will be merciful.”

The biggest of your captors—a man you recognized as the de facto leader—spat viciously on the ground.

“You are not my Alpha,” he growled.

A cold—almost cruel—smile twisted over Jimin’s lips.

“Very well.”

Then he dropped to one knee and a massive grey wolf—Taehyung—leapt over his head and tore out the defiant leader’s throat before he even hit the ground.

Your mouth dropped open.

Bangtan formation.

Yoongi and Jungkook lunged forward in opposite directions, tackling their targets to the forest floor in a bloody clash of teeth and claws.

One of the larger Iron Claw alphas half-shifted and charged Jimin but his arm shot out lightning fast, catching his attacker by the throat to send him flying through the air into a tree.

The next several minutes could only be described as terrifyingly beautiful.

It was immediately clear that Jimin had been holding back when he fought Namjoon.

He dispatched his opponents with such elegant savagery it was almost art.

You were so mesmerized watching Jimin sensually sword dance his way through a dozen alphas nearly twice his size that you almost missed Taehyung’s wolf rushing over with a dagger clenched between his teeth.

Luna are you okay?

You grinned and held up your rope-bound wrists.

“I’ll be better once you pass me that knife.”

Taehyung nodded once and dropped the blade at your feet before tackling another wolf that was tearing towards the two of you.

You sawed through the ties around your ankle first then twisted your arms to try and slice through the restraints on your wrist.

The Iron Claw wolves were clearly no match for Jimin and his alphas.

Jungkook and Yoongi chased after the few who were trying to run while Taehyung half-shifted to subdue the handful of wolves left alive as prisoners. Only Jimin continued to fight as the last three of your captors still standing took turns being slammed into the dirt by his strikes.

He was clearly capable of dispatching them, but you were fairly convinced that you would die if you had to stay away from him for another second. The ropes, however, were surprisingly thick and the angle you were cutting them at wasn’t the best. If only—

You were almost free when you saw it.

One of your captors had pulled a hunting javelin from their supply wagon. He must have hid himself at the onset of the fight, but now he was comfortably concealed by the shadows—and taking aim at Jimin.

Your heart dropped into your stomach.

The attacker appeared to handle the weapon with familiarity. He was too far back—too well hidden—Jimin would never see him in time—

The last cord around your wrist snapped and you were on your feet, pushing through the combined haze of fury and sedatives to charge the wolf who dared attack your mate.

By the time he saw you it was far too late.

Under the effects of the drug your aim was a little skewed but you weren’t Kim Seokjin’s cousin for nothing.

One clean flick of your wrist and the dagger shot through the air, burying itself between the brute’s shoulder blades—all the way to the hilt.

His body fell to the ground just as Jimin sent the last of your captors careening into a pile of previously defeated foes.

For a moment all was quiet.

Then your eyes locked across the distance and everything around you sharpened to a single whispered word.

“Jimin.”

He had run non-stop for miles and torn apart a dozen wolves to get to your side—no amount of space between you now was tolerable.

The sword clattered to the forest floor as he moved toward you—desperate to feel you—to wrap himself around you and know that you were safe.

What happened next was as natural as breathing.

You opened to him and he lifted you into his arms, taking your lips in a hot unrepentant kiss.

Fire exploded across your senses, burning away everything but the touch and taste of him. Every part of you was at once fiercely and gloriously alive. Desperate moans passed between you as he licked into your mouth—a dark primal promise of the pleasure he would take between your thighs.

“Alpha,” you whimpered, too delirious with want to manage anything else.

Suddenly Jimin’s eyes shot open. His hands flew to cup your face, searching it with a mixture of realization and disbelief.

“You… It was you.”

If you are already on the taglist, then I will automatically tag you for the next part! If you would like to be added to the taglist, please let me know.

Please tell me what you thought of this update! I am really excited to hear your thoughts! Feedback really does fuel my writing and hearing from you means a lot to me! On days that its hard to write, I go back and I read your lovely words and it makes me want to keep going! I cannot overstate its value in my heart! Seriously this story keeps going because you guys have been so supportive and wonderful. You have no idea how much just a few word can brighten my world and fire up my muse.

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softwarmfur · 3 years ago

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ok. cough cough hackkk. ahem. midam enthusiasts. cage discussion enjoyers. chuck observers and likers. irl religions spn fans...ive called you all here tonite bc ive got a smackerel of shit i need to discuss. the last of the caffeine from the cherry coke i had earlier is taking its swan song (ha, ha.) dive thru my bloodstream right now. my hands are shaking so hard i can hardly type.

anyway, first thing on the agenda is: as a person who believes in God, something that i enjoy and also hate having to think about it, if God is thee ultimate creator, then all versions of God that exist in fictional media (such as supernatural) are just hollow facsimiles of him. Thus making Chuck (and all other representations of the divine in media) a demiurge of sorts. bc if the media. well. exists. then in this little fake story universe, he is a god. completely unaware as to the real nature of his existence. I’m referencing the gnostic system of thought in which there is an all-powerful creator who at some point created a demiurge that never became aware of its creator. It made the known universe, thinking itself to be the original god. Much to think about in terms of ‘Chuck isn’t actually god” theory. whatever.

second thing on the agenda: ive recently come to conclusion that caffeine, while fucking me up if over-consumed, does focus me and elevate my train of thought for a beautiful but brief period of time. the caffeine high i’m experiencing right now is coinciding with the natural waxing of my midam obsession, creating a beautiful eclipse of drug-induced frenzy and autism. my god i love being alive. on to the main point: i consider myself to be generally neutral when it comes to things such as midam one-or-two body truthing, beautiful room truthing, the timeline of their love story, what their relationship dynamic is exactly, etc. but overall i am ultimately a believer that adam let michael possess him out of a sense of combined fear, awe, and duty. michael, being michael, put adam ‘away’ for the stull cemetery confrontation and while still retaining a cold and callous attitude and a general sense of angelic entitlement, fully intended to fullfill his promises to adam once he was done using a vessel. thus, he was reluctant to let adam come back “online” when he was in the cage. once adam realized what had happened, he was understandably furious and refused to interact with michael. however, the cage has a way of bringing people together, namely, by being mind-numbingly, oppressively still (boring), to the point that adam and michael sort of sought each other out naturally and eventually repaired things between each other.

However, i have to wonder about THE very beginning of their work relationship- Adam being approached by zachariah as a potential/eventual vessel for michael.

Related to this - sam and dean actually didn’t meet their brother until the fifth season, which kind of fucks me up if i think about it too long. we were TECHNICALLY introduced to the character or rather the existence of adam in the fourth season via the iconic “Jump the Shark”, but that ended up being the ghoul who had killed and consumed adam and his mother, which is super fucked. Would sam and dean have ever learned about their brother if it wasn’t for the ghouls’ family desire for revenge? as a bit of an aside, it does make me chuckle to think of dean and sam never meeting the ghoul, and then being contacted about adam during the fifth season with no prior knowledge of him. i’m imagining zachariah calling dean and being like, “we have your brother, come to this building in california if you want him back alive, yadda yadda” and dean just repsonding with. what the fuck? man, sam’s sitting literally directly to my right. in the car. is this some kind of a joke? fuck off. then he hangs up on zach and makes a comment to sam about angels being dicks.

on a sadder note, i’m trying to remember how long the period of time was between adam’s death and sam and dean’s first meeting with the ghoul. if my memory serves me right, it was some months before the ghoul could finally reach them. it makes me unmanageably upset to think about the Milligan’s little home sitting quiet and unwillingly abandoned, the air going at first stale and then foul with the smell of their remains coming through the tunnel system. Did Adam have any friends? a romantic partner? did they try to look for adam and his mother? did Kate’s nurse co-workers worry for her? are they still worried? or are adam and his mom afforded no one to give a shit about them because they’re side characters chuck cooked up to keep the story interesting? do their lives begin and end with their involvement with the winchesters? is is sad or funny to imagine adam, youthful adam, alone in a locked room with an archangel, looking up in the utmost terror, and completely misunderstanding the beast’s request for him? Adam can’t help it, he’s only human! very funny to me to think of Adam hoping he won’t get smiting for saying this, but, um, he’ll have to politely decline Michael’s request for “his body”, as he’s very sure michael has a very lovely personality, but he’s never slept with a non-human, and most certainly never with an angel. And, is it, like, a virgin Mary thing? Does he just want adam as some kind of holy womb? And if that happens is the birth going to be all fucked up, like the chestbursters in the Alien movies? Unnecessarily torturing myself by asking, well, is Adam trans? Is he filled with guilty rage and grief at the thought that god wants him pregnant? or, touching on what i asked earlier, would adam say he has to decline because he already has a very devoted boyfriend back home in minnesota who, by the way, is probably still worried sick over his whereabouts right now. On the flip side, would it be more in-character for michael to quickly rectify what he meant exactly and tell Adam he needed to possess him to defeat the devil, or for michael to take Adam back to minnesota in spirit and show him how his boyfriend is just beginning to move on from his death, and how adam suddenly returning to him would just screw him up further? You see, little one? what has died is meant to stay dead. allowing you to return to your life would just be...messy. the only reason you’re back on earth right now is so you can host me. If michael goes with the second option, is the minnesota he shows adam to convince him actually what’s happening, or is it a false vision hastily whipped up to nudge the human in the ‘right direction’? Or is it perhaps BOTH? Is michael aware, to some extent, of the ‘levels’ of creation chuck has made? does he know Adam didn’t exist until chuck needed new material? Does he know that the winchesters are the main characters, or from his perspective, Very Important to the plot? does he know that his father creates all people real, but some people are more real than others? does he know how real he is? does he reveal to adam the true nature of his old life in minnesota, how it’s a shoddy fabrication implanted in him by his father? Was adam’s consent based purely off a coerced existential crisis? Was adam’s consent desperate and confused? Did Adam even consent, or did michael just annihilate his entire sense of self to the point where Adam wasn’t even a ‘person’ anymore, just a self-aware plot device, and michael no longer needed a ‘yes’ to enter him? Would Michael knowingly push Adam to the asymptote of his own nonexistence just so he could bypass his father’s pesky consent rule? In any universe where he does do this, it’s never, ever, personal. (back to the whole Michael is a huge entitled dick until he has to make pretty with adam in the cage thing - does it ever weigh on adam, later on in the relationship, that, up until he and the archangel irreconcilably crossed paths, all of Michael’s interactions with humans were likely only ever transactional - brief bursts of light and terror, a bat snatching a moth out of the night air, a quick meetup to secure Michael’s access to their body. Is adam, in a way, sort of the prostitute michael fell in love and settled down with? If Michael ever interacted with humans before him at all...)

Pretend i didn’t say all that, up until i mentioned Adam’s possible partner back in Minnesota. when i think of Adam rejecting Michael on the grounds of “I have a boyfriend!” not only does it make me giddy, i think of the moment after in which michael immediately thinks out loud, “What does that have to with ME? I’m trying to banish my brother, the devil, and bring paradise to earth, and you think your boyfriend who doesn’t even know where you are will be concerned if I ride your meat for a day or two? Oh my god i didnt mean it like THAT i meant if just highjacked your vessel long enough to cage Lucifer-OK, OK, i came on a bit strong, I’ll admit, but PLEASE let me in man You gotta.” Are we feeling better? Think about that funny tiktok audio excerpt in which TisaKorean exclaims, “Man, I don’t give a fuck, I’m tryna get up in the club! I’m tryna go crazy, dawg!” Just imagine it, please.

Anyway. this post has become...unreasonably long, so I’ll cut things off here and wish you well, if you managed to make it this far.

#teehee this is deranged fan behavior...im not sorry about a word of it though.#i might as well tag this? it kind of became a whole ass dissertation so #midam #michael spn #adam spn #chuck shurley #midam dynamics #michael and adam #long post #just a general brainstorm of ideas surrounding michael and adam's unknowably complex relationship. and other things.#so insane how i could KEEP WRITING AFTER THIS...caffeine got me going CRAZY.#seriously off the shits. god help whoever's near me if i ever finally do actual cocaine.#forreal i havent done a huge long adamichael centric post in a while...i need to consume drugs more often i think.#ALSO SORRY IF THERES ANY ERRORS IN THIS....I REMOVED AND SWITCHED SOME PARTS AROUND POST-TYPE..

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nonsensical-twistedriddles · 5 years ago

Note

Ooh! If asks are open, can I ask you for a mermaid reader x dorm leaders+ octanivelle? Like, its canon that the mc is from another world, so what if she is a mermaid from a world where magic barely exists? Like, she can freely turn human at will but that's about it. Assuming that everyone has a crush on her, but hasn't confessed, how would they react to the reveal?

hello hello ! asks are usually open since i don’t have request limits and i write down all the ones i wanna do in my notebooks (or save them as drafts)ヾ(＠^∇^＠)ノ i get this strange sense of happiness when writing them all down with their categories and specific highlights. i hope you enjoy ! unrelated but someone said that lilia was like rei sakuma and hshshsh ive pulled out all my undead albums and started jamming to all the songs again,, call name, call name, we are undead!

📝to note: (1) i couldn’t write anything about vil ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚ (2) length (and possibly comprehensibility) varies because i ran out of coffee at home and was half-asleep for most of these.

riddle rosehearts

Riddle had been reluctant to even participate in today’s swimming lesson but begrudgingly put on his attire and stood at the edge of the pool, glaring at the water as if it were an old enemy. It wasn’t a total loss, you were there-- nervously fidgeting beside him. He’s been crushing on you hard, to the point that his ears turn red and his stomach flutters with butterflies just with your presence.

From the corner of his eyes, he could see you anxiously eyeing the pool. “Are you feeling alright?” he asks you, voice laced with worry. Your reply came out garbled, like you were trying to say something but somehow forgotten how to speak. He leaves you alone then but would occasionally glance at you, concerned.

When it was time for you to showcase your swimming capabilities, all the worry Riddle had for you simply washed away the instant your legs transformed into a mermaid’s tail fin.

He tries to be nonchalant about it but couldn’t help gawking at you as you did your laps. When you finish and settle to prop yourself up on the edge of the pool in front of him, you catch him staring at you. “It’s strange, isn’t it,” you say, sheepishly smiling to yourself as you collect your wet hair into your hands then wring all the water out of the strands.

“N-No!” he shakes his head with raised hands. “You don’t look strange at all, if anything you’re probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen-!” he blurts out, before bringing his hands up to silence his traitorous mouth. You stare at him with wide eyes. “O-Oh, I-,” you fumbled for words as your cheeks tinge red like blooming roses. “I see.”

After that, a silence settles itself in the air, rendering the two of you into amiable discomfiture.

“Rosehearts, it’s your turn!”

Ashton’s booming voice makes you both jolt, ruining the moment. Reluctantly, he smiles at you and heads off.

leona kingscholar

You always had a weird fishy smell to you.

At first, he thought nothing of this and continued to hang around you from time to time. “You know what her scent reminds me of?” Ruggie had told him once while handing him a sandwich from the cafeteria. “She kind of smells like the Leech brothers.”

“What do you mean?”

Ruggie scratches the back of his head. “They’ve got that sea smell to them, you know? Like how most merfolk do.”

Since that day, he’s been trying to find out why you smelled that way. You were magicless so he wasn’t about to jump into conclusions but after doing a little digging and investigating on it for weeks, all evidence pointed to one thing. He didn’t want to pry anything out of you so he kept his mouth shut until the day you revealed it to him.

It was during PE class. You had told Leona that you wanted to tell him something before going over to the school’s swimming pool. He had played it cool and quietly waited on you to say what you wanted to tell him.

“Leona, I’m actually a mermaid,” you say with downcast eyes while twiddling your thumbs.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I know it’s hard to believe but— wait what? You know? How?”

The surprised look on your face makes him chuckle. He gives you a moment to take it all in before going into full detail on how he found out; “You honestly reek of fish.”

azul ashengrotto

Azul thought he knew everything that there is to you. From your hobbies to your favourite music genre to your secret comfort place inside Night Raven College. You happily indulged all of his impudent questions. Yes, you preferred ice cream over cake. Yes, you were losing sleep because of Grim’s snoring. No, you don’t hate him and never thought any less of him after his overblot episode.

He liked your transparency-- admired it even. Around you, he felt like he was underwater but instead of having the constant sense of dread, he was at ease in the waters of your presence. There was never any need to worry over being judged.

Now when you had asked him to show you around his hometown and he had told you to wear something casual, he hadn’t exactly expected you to show up as a mermaid. You were so stunning that he lost his composure just from the sight of you.

“Did you-,” he clears his voice, “Did you drink a potion?”

Laughing, you reply, “No, this is what I really am.”

What you really were. Azul shamelessly examined you for a while as he took you to see boutiques and cafes, envious of your tail’s pale rounded scales and stylish web-like dorsal fins but all the while swooning over how breathtakingly beautiful you looked. When you had asked him if he was comfortable enough to change forms, he lets out a nervous laugh then hides his flustered face.

“I’d rather not embarrass you.”

floyd leech

Floyd had always found you interesting, it’s why he liked to keep close to you.

Whenever you were around, his heart would thump so fast in his chest that he’d grin and run up to you. “Little shrimp~!” was his usual greeting, his voice jingly as he takes you into his arms. He’d never tell you but he liked having you in his arms, as much as it terrified you to even be enveloped in them.

“That’s what you do when you hunt down people!” you complained, “I’m never sure if you’d just like to greet me or if I’ve done something wrong every time I see you.”

“Ah~ That’s the fun in it though!” he said, flashing his sharp teeth at you.

When you transformed in front of him, his eyes widened in delighted surprise. He takes your mermaid form in, ooh-ing and aah-ing at “-how pretty you looked!” before taking you around Octavinelle’s waters and making you participate in make-up competitions just so that he could get to see how fast you swam or strong you were.

jade leech

Jade always had his suspicions.

He wasn’t sure when it started but subconsciously he kept note of the things you did and said before coming into the realization that you have become someone very dear to him. You always spoke about the sea with a fondness that made it seem as if it were your home and frequently asked him to tag along with you to swim around and explore his dorm despite having already done so before. When you had asked him to wait then transformed in front of him before taking him out around Octavinelle, he couldn’t help but feel comforted at the fact that you trusted him enough to reveal this long held secret.

“You’re not mad?” you asked him, shyly peering at him from behind a bed of seaweed. He gives you his signature Jade Leech smile, one that made it seem like he was laughing at your very notion and finding you amusingly silly.

“No, not all,” he says, his eyes crinkling, “in fact, I feel very honored that you’ve told me.”

kalim al-asim

Kalim grew up in the land of Hot Sands where, instead of water, the waves were made of gold shimmering grains and that “swimming” in it would leave you parched and drenched in sweat (he would know, he learned that the hard way!). Now swimming always brought a smile to his face. Partying in pools and sharing laughs with your friends, those were certainly fun!

Though today’s visit to the pool was more of an academic requirement than a time for leisure, Kalim still beamed brighter than any star because he was taking his PE swimming class with the light of his heart: you!

Like a toddler, he swung his feet over the edge of the pool and dipped them into the water beside you. “Aaahhh~ Today’s going to be a really great day!” he twitters on, making you chuckle at his childlike enthusiasm. “Really? Why’s that?” you ask him, sinking your own two legs into the pool and looking at him intently. Kalim, suddenly growing self conscious because of your gaze, looks away and rubs the back of his neck. “Well-” he starts, letting his confidence ease back into him as he meets your eyes, “because I’ll be swimming with you!”

You blink at his words. For a second, you stare at him in surprise but his smile gets to you and makes you laugh. “Yeah, it does feel kinda great.”

When Ashton calls you up to the platform, Kalim positions himself at the other end of the pool and cheers you on. “Go Y/N! Go~!”

Ashton’s whistle blows a second later, making you jump. Kalim eyes widen as he watches you transform mid-air before plunging into the pool. When you surfaced, his heart was sent into a frenzy. Your hair and scales twinkled and your eyes, bright and demure-- you looked like a goddess, emerging from the sea to claim his soul.

The second you change back and dried off, he pops up beside you with gleaming eyes and bombards you with countless praises and questions: “You looked so cool!” “Can you control your shift?” “Your scales were such a pretty bright colour!” “Do you think we can go to sea adventures together?”

idia shroud

Idia didn’t really want to be here.

The only reason he was was because his brother insisted on it and managed to drag him to class before he could properly lock the door. If he knew that PE today was going to be a swimming class, he would’ve persisted to not come at all.

“Ah, this sucks,”Idia mutters under his breath as thoughts of what could have happened if he weren’t here swarmed his mind, feeding into his growing bitterness. Clicking his tongue, he folds his legs into his chest and frowns into his knees then stares at the clear shimmering surface of the pool water.

“What sucks?”

Idia jolts at the sound of your voice in his ear. He moves his head a fraction to the right and somehow almost kisses you with how close your face was to his. Instead your noses touch, surprising you both. “Y-Y-N?” your name sputters out of his lips as his face flushes at the sight of your smile. He squirms to get away from you but only manages to get a few breaths in before slipping.

As he lays on the ground, feeling completely defeated, he brings a forearm over to cover his eyes from the sun’s mocking glare. Ah, the gods are so cruel.

“Idia, are you okay?”

“Aghhhhhhhhhh...”

You helped him up and, though he kept his head low while quietly cursing the gods, he seemed okay. Idia knew you wanted to stay with him out of kindness but when Ashton signaled your group to the platforms, you gave him a small smile and reluctantly headed over to the other end of the pool.

Without you near him anymore, Idia found the strength to breathe again. Quietly, he makes his way over to a secluded corner to rest while keeping his eyes trained on you in the distance. He watches as your complexion changes and thin colourful appendages grow out of your arms and intertwined legs. Along with the heated gaze of the sun, all the shimmering lights that bounced off your scales and illuminated the tiles into a frenzy of dancing colours dizzied him to the point of passing out. As he slips into the depths of his consciousness, a thought echoes in his mind that was far too overwhelming for him to even continue to think about.

My crush is a mermaid.

malleus draconia

You and “Tsuno tarou” were running away from a couple of students that he claims to be after him and somehow managed to to end up hiding behind a rock formation in the outskirts of the Octavinelle dorm. He had used some kind of magic of the two of you to prevent drowning and getting wet and though you were impressed by his incredible magic capabilities, you had no time to express your amazement as he quietly drags you away to hide.

“Why on earth are they after you anyways?” you asked Tsuno tarou, who shrugs from behind you. “They like to keep me under close surveillance.” he replies curtly before peering over your shoulder to watch your two chasers bicker and look around the area. You puckered out your lips at his complete lack of explanation, turning to face him with folded arms, “What do you mean by that? Just-,”

“There! I see someone!” one of them exclaims from behind you, causing you to turn back around and catch a pair of blue eyes staring right at you.

You internally groan as the two of them start swimming towards your hiding place. “Well, I suppose there’s no way out of this. It’s a shame that I’ll have to stop seeing you every night,” Tsuno tarou says from behind you, disappointed. Huffing at his gutted attitude, you face him and take hold of his forearm.

“You and I both know that it’d just be the gargoyles you’d miss because you think that the moonlight ‘encapsulates their pulchritude’,” you tell him before taking in a deep breath and closing off all of your thoughts. “You better start talking about all this later, Tsuno tarou.”

He gives you a confused look then opens his mouth as if to tell you something but you look away and concentrate on transforming. When bands of scales erupted to replace the soft surface of your skin and your legs coiled into each other, you pulled on his weight and began swimming away as fast as you could.

To Malleus, you looked mystical. He didn’t know that you were a mermaid but wasn’t all too shocked to see you transform and gracefully dart across the ocean floor with him in tow. “I meant what I said about missing you Y/N,” he says, catching your attention. You let yourself look back at him for a brief moment before averting your gaze from the intensity of his stare; he told you the truth. Your cheeks grow warm despite the coolness of the water.

“Oh…”

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seriouslyblacklikemysoul · 4 years ago

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Like her - Bucky Barnes [IV]

Hey guys! Part four and honestly, it’s gonna get a bit messy.. next chapter is going to be a key-point. Again, if you want to be tagged or drop by and give me an idea about this series, please do let me know! Word Count~2k. MASTERLIST Part I | Part II | Part III

Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be. But she had no excuse to continue down that path – she was looking at the break of dawn. Sleep had been avoiding her but it wasn’t sleep’s fault – she was too tired for that. She had been waiting for the day her heart would be free and light as a feather - she was fooling herself. She was doing that thing again, where she started pushing people away. Where she was showing them a glimpse into who she was and why she was the way she was. She was scared they would turn their backs on her. She was scared that when she would need them the most they wouldn’t be there. She was falling so hard and so fast and she knew how it was going to end, she was going to hit the pavement because everyone who had ever promised to catch her, had left. So, she did the only thing she knew how to and that happened to be how to push people away. She became distant, didn’t answer as much as she used to, she hoped he would get the message and leave, so she wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him. She felt so broken and was slowly trying to pick up the pieces. She was actually more worried about dragging them down with her than the other way around. She was no hero – they had their share in that department. She closed her eyes just for a few seconds and exhaled a long overdue breath. Another day, another try. She had been roaming the house like a ghost. She knew that they were awake – or taking turns, to keep an eye and an ear on her, but she couldn’t care less. The strong smell of the coffee filled her lungs and she welcomed the familiarity of the simplicity. Diving into the cup of freshly pressed and brewed coffee, she almost forgot the situation she had put herself into. “You didn’t sleep all night” a hoarse voice remarked. She smiled inside the cup and without turning to check who it was, she answered. “Neither did you”. He was impressed by her confident after the last time they had talked. He had pushed her and he acknowledged that – but she erupted like a volcano. She moved slightly to the left, so he could make his cup of coffee, but didn’t left the spot – it had a wonderful view of the sea and the horizon. Her eyes never left the image outside, but his traveled along her face, studying her through brief glances. Once he realized what he was doing, he focused immensely on the coffee, trying to ignore her soft vanilla scent. “Why is every tree covered with… mattresses?” she asked perplexed. For a second there, he was lost in the way words flowed, without actually listening to her. He cleared his throat, obnoxiously loud and took a sip of his coffee before replying. “Sam was practicing with the shield” he informed her casually. Her eyebrows shot to the heavens and a smile made its way to her lips. “It’s not a Frisbee. Poor trees” she commented with ease. She was sarcastic but in a way that made him want to come up with more lines, just to listen to her comebacks. No, no, no. No. The silence, this time was not as awkward as it was before. Granted, it had only been a day, but she didn’t do what she usually did in a day. He didn’t trust her still, not fully. And she didn’t trust them, not fully. They had to go slow, to get to know one another, to be able to trust that when they found Zemo, no one was betraying the other. “Could I possibly have my phone back?” she asked after a while. He simply replied with a nope. She inhaled sharply and tried again. “I have to check my emails, James. And my computer is not connecting to any wi-fi here, so… could I possibly have my phone back?” she restated her question, leaving him little to no room for a negative answer. He put his mug down, and turned to her with his eyebrow arched. “I’ll supervise” he stated. He wouldn’t badge about it and she knew. It was the best offer she was going to get. She locked her eyes with his. Such a clear gray-ish blue, she could see her reflection. “Fine” she accepted and he got the phone out of his damn pocket, leaving her with an open mouth in disbelief. To think that she could have kicked him and get it herself. He handed to her and went right next to her, eyes on the screen at all times. She opened her data and her phone was catching up on all of the notifications she had missed. A single cough was enough for her to dismiss them all. At last, she opened up her email app to check if she had received any kind of update to her application, secretly wishing not to. When she saw the single email, she had been craving her entire life, which was basically an acceptance letter from her favorite University to perform her research, she felt as if the universe was playing her on purpose. Bucky re ad the email and was more than shocked that she was such a highly valued academic researcher. And then he looked at her, crushed. He thought she would be thrilled about that – but all he saw was sadness and disappointment. She closed the data, dismissed the applications and handed it back to him, without even looking at him. Grabbing her cup, she refilled it, in silence and went to sit on the couch. He was about to say something when it hit him. It was everything she wanted and she had actually achieved it – only for it to be taken away by the situation. She was having her dreams crushed once again and he couldn’t do anything. Maybe, he could say something nice. Maybe he didn’t have to be brooding all the time. He walked up to her, waiting for her to acknowledge him, not wanting to invade her privacy. But she didn’t and he was curious. He sat down next to her; her whole body was facing the other way. She was making it even more difficult than it already was. “Soon, you won’t even remember this and you will be conduction your research” he tried to smooth things over but when she turned to face him, his entire face fell. He wasn’t used to that much honesty. Tears were on the verge of spilling and she looked dead. “No. I never was lucky, that’s why I was strategic. But this time… I am the target of a cruel joke. It’s fine. Everything is fine” she concluded, closing her eyes for several seconds, to recollect herself. She would just not think about it. He had nothing to say to that; he felt bad for her, for the first time since he had been introduced to her, he truly felt bad. Maybe it was seconds, maybe it was minutes or hours, until Sam joined them. Silence was her go-to place; however, her mind hadn’t shut up about anything. A million scenarios had already been processed by her intuition and her logic. Why did Zemo want her? Why was he sending her Bucky’s personal stuff from before? Why hadn’t he delivered? Who was she? Before Sam could open his mouth, she had already planned their next few moves. She had to be organized and plan everything out; even when things didn’t go as planned, she had already explored that possibility and that was why she never ran out of plans. “I’ll call him. Make him believe that I will deliver you to him. Set up a meeting. We’ll stage everything. Even if he doesn’t believe me, we’ll sent proof. He’ll bite. After all, he is still looking for revenge. And what better way to start your evil plot, than taking down two of the people who put you in a cell?” she mapped out their strategic positions. She had a very scary mind, they thought. It felt that it came to her as easy as breathing. But then again, who were they to judge? “Good morning to you too” Sam mocked her but in reality, he was pretty convinced by her plan. She didn’t even listen to him and neither did Bucky. They had been having this little dance of letting go and pulling back. Their limits were testing each other. Could he trust her not to actually deliver them to him? He would never admit it but he was afraid of what it might happen if those god-damn words were spoken again. In theory, he was no longer affected by them – but what if? As if she had read his thoughts, she slowly nodded, leaving Sam even more confused. “We’ll use that too. Lead him on, just to get him where we want” she assured him but he still was reluctant. How was it possible that she had already planned that too? “What if they work?” he voiced his fear out loud for the first time in a very long time and Sam quickly caught on, but didn’t interfere. He wanted to see the dynamics between them. “I won’t let him” she said with a fierce tone he hadn’t heard before. It was a combination of Steve’s certainty during a pep talk and the aggressiveness of Tony when he thought he was right. Maybe, he could trust her. Sam saw through his inhibitions and understood that he wanted to trust her more than he had let on. With a smirk on his face, he tapped on Bucky’s shoulder to make his presence known again, because it felt as if they had no idea, he was standing there all this time. “Okay, we’re going with that plan” he admitted and reassured both of them. He was not entirely sure about her intentions as well, but the look she was giving to Bucky told him a lot more than what he needed to know. She looked at him like she didn’t expect him to trust her that much and she felt grateful because for once in her life she was being taken into account before being sent out like a monster. “I will get us an untraceable number and we can begin. It might take some time though” he continued. Well, that was better than nothing, she thought. As he was walking away, he did mention something that could potentially turn out worse than she would have expected. “Three things. I am out for my run. We are going shopping later on. Until we get to Zemo, you train” he counted before she could protest about a single thing, he was already out of the house. She left Bucky on the couch as she walked upstairs, not bothering to look twice. He had no words to describe how shitty his day was and it hadn’t even ended yet.

TAGS: @imlivingliferightnow @tonystankschild @badasseddy

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dwaynepride · 4 years ago

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the unfortunate case of nonchalance

PART V - BLOOD WAS OUR INHERITANCE

summary: jethro’s heart is pulling him two ways, and it’s hard to navigate the right direction.

words: 3,335

warnings: female reader

tags: @fairytale07 @jrenn10 @f4nboi @purplestarsr5 @ladyzombiielove @littlemiss3ma @minikate--24-05 @consultingdoctorwholock @dressed-up-just-like-z1ggy @ms-allenbrown @ikbenplant @dylpickles1267 @diaryofafan17 @specialagentlokitty @pageofultron @stanathanxoox @kittenlittle24

author’s note: part 5 of the cowboy!au series. this is a part of meg’s 11k challenge. the prompts are cowboy au and secret relationship trope.

part IV | part VI

March 7th, 1889

Once again, I am a wanted man.

The botched bank job was nearly five days ago, and I’ve felt every single second of it. Anthony’s wound is worse than I feared - Doctor Mallard is doing all he can, but I know that man. His hopes are not high. Anthony’s got a fever and he still bleeds from time to time.

That boy is strong, but even I’m starting to worry.

And we can’t leave while Anthony’s so weak. Everybody’s been packing up, ready to turn tail, but a journey may very well kill Anthony, if his infection doesn’t.

I know my thoughts should be on finding a way to leave, but they’re not. Not all of them. When it’s quiet, I find myself wondering if Y/N is safe. She was far from the shooting, I know that. But that doesn’t stop my concerns.

I need to make sure she’s alright; that’s the only way I’ll be able to concentrate on anything else. I’ll ride to her home at night and no one’s gotta know I was back in town.

Plus, I feel that maybe she’ll help get my head on straight.

The night is so silent, Jethro barely lets himself breathe.

Even taking the long route all the way around the outskirts of town, he was nervous. Every shadow, every noise had him instinctively reaching for his pistol. It was some sort of miracle that he hadn’t run into any law yet, but seeing the pure white paint of your home made Jethro’s stomach tight.

All the windows were dark, except for one. A candle flickers on the windowsill; its light is warm and inviting and it draws Jethro in to search for you. Though, with his luck, your bedroom would be on the second floor.

His footfalls are silent against the ground. He still keeps a hand on his pistol, but Jethro’s eyes are locked on the candle in the window. He reaches the house, leaning his back against the wood. And slowly, carefully, his head creeps forward to peer in through the window.

His eyes take a moment to adjust to the light, but the image he finds when Jethro looks in makes his heart tight. There, on the bed, you’re laying with a book in hand. You haven’t noticed him, too focused on reading, but Jethro’s just pleased that he’s found you so easily. He’s already been in town for too long.

A hand comes up, and he gently knocks his knuckles against the glass. Instantly, you jump, eyes wide as they flicker up to look in his direction.

That look of recognition makes this whole journey worth it.

Jethro sees his name leave your lips, and he quickly motions for you to come outside. You’re reluctant, he can tell. And he can’t really blame you, neither. But again, he beckons you out. Eventually you nod, and he watches you scurry out of your room.

His hands curl into fists, and Jethro reminds himself to breathe. But try as he might, he can’t seem to calm himself. Five long days of wondering and worrying, only to find you home; safe and sound and reading a book in your bed. Now, he just wants to talk to you. Hear your voice and simply be in your presence.

After what feels like minutes, the back door of your home finally squeaks open. He hears it, and Jethro immediately moves toward the back of the house. And there, in the light of a half-moon, you’re standing there looking at him and Jethro suddenly can’t remember how to use his own words.

“Jethro,” you breathe out. It’s almost inaudible, but he catches it. And when you run up to him with open arms, he catches you, too. You smell of wildflowers and Jethro’s instantly taken back to that day by the river. When you kissed him softly and he felt your lips for days after

That feels like a lifetime ago.

“I’m okay. I’m right here,” he mumbles. And Jethro’s not afraid to squeeze you just a little too hard. God, as much as he says he’s been worried about you - he’s missed you a hell of a lot more. As crazy and scary as things have been the last few days, this is the first time Jethro feels a sense of normalcy. Like everything is suddenly right in the world.

He wants to stay in this hug forever, but you’re the one to pull away. And when Jethro looks in your eyes, he doesn’t find the happiness he expects to see. He isn’t barraged with questions of if he’s alright or what happened or if everyone was safe.

Instead, you step away from him. Still within arm’s reach, but no longer holding him. “The bank...all those lawmen....Jethro...?”

His eyes fall away. Perhaps Jethro was naive to think you wouldn’t have questions about the heist. Perhaps he was stupid in thinking your happiness to see him would somehow overshadow why he did what he did. But that explanation would take too long and Jethro simply wanted to be here with you.

Your face was taut. Unmovable. And he knows you deserve to know who he is.

His thumbs trail over your forearms, grip still tight in case you decide to pull yourself from his grasp. “I’m not exactly who you think I am, sweetheart,” he says lowly.

You look confused - as if not properly understanding what he means. “You’re Jethro Gibbs,” you tell him firmly. “You came into town with your friends-”

“My gang,” he cuts in. And as your eyes go wide, Jethro’s gaze falls once again. “We aren’t just moving into town, we came here to hide. We....we did some bad things out West. Things that I regret.” The words felt like poison on his tongue. It felt like every syllable was just pushing you farther and farther away from him. But Jethro finally looks back up, watching your shocked expression. “Things that got Shannon killed, and ain’t been ‘till now that I wanted to change. My gang’s not quite there yet - they’re still convinced we gotta rob folk. The bank wasn’t my idea.”

Finally, you wrench your arms out of his grasp. And your eyes had gotten harder. Almost angry; it’s the first time Jethro’s seen you like this. Not even at the saloon when the barkeep threatened to call the law on him. “I have a hard time believing you didn’t know anything about it, Jethro. They’re your friends,” you bite out. Jethro’s never felt quite so small. “My father works there. What if he’d been-”

“My people aren’t killers.”

“And how should I believe you? Seems like everything you’ve told me is a lie. Is your name actually Leroy Jethro Gibbs, or is it something you’ve made up?”

Jethro is silent for a moment. “You think I can make up a name quite so ridiculous?”

You huff and turn away from him to walk back into the house. Truthfully, that smartass comment was reflexive, and Jethro’s kicking himself for saying it. “Hey, hold on,” he says, reaching out and grabbing your hand. And you try once again to pull free, but Jethro’s much too strong. He comes around to face you, eyes intense and serious and you even stop struggling when you meet them. “Not everything’s a lie. I do care ‘bout you - a whole hell of a lot,” he says softly.

He can tell that makes you think. The way you watch him, reluctant to believe him, but also wanting to. And God, Jethro wants you to. His stomach’s painfully tight at the thought of his foolishness being what drives you away.

And his fears are realized.

This time, when you pull your hand back, he lets you go. “You’re an outlaw, Jethro. A criminal.” Your voice is so hard, so harsh against his ears, that Jethro can’t really believe that he heard it.

But he’s not stupid nor deaf.

“Well, you let this outlaw teach you how to shoot, sweetheart. And better yet, you kissed a criminal. Don’t act so high, like your hands are clean.” The words are sharp and terrible, he knows. He spits them out with the poison on his tongue and Jethro’s too angry to feel bad about it.

The light of the half-moon reflects off your tears in the split second he can see your face, because you’re walking away from him toward the back door. “Get out of here, Jethro GIbbs, or I swear I’ll start screaming and get the law down here!”

You don’t even look at him. Not one measly glance as you pull the door open to rush inside. For a few seconds, his feet are rooted to the dirt. And as mad as he is, Jethro doesn’t quite want to leave. That pull that drove him here is still in his gut, much to his annoyance. Buried under the heat of the argument. Plus, he made you cry - some of that anger is pointed to himself.

He turns away from your perfect white house, disappearing back into the darkness so the law can’t see him. And Jethro doesn’t look back, not once.

If he had, he knows he would’ve seen your sad face in the window.

Anthony’s infection was like a cough that just couldn’t be shaken.

None of Doctor Mallard’s tonics seem to be working. And as Anthony’s condition worsened, it seems like the gang’s morale faltered, too. Jethro felt that change; he is not immune to the mood that wily young Italian brings to the gang. And with the argument he had with you last night - well, he doesn’t want to admit how much he misses Anthony’s bad jokes.

His hand runs slowly up and down the muzzle of his horse as Jethero waits on Abigail. Their plan is foolish. Could likely get them locked up, or worse. But with Anthony on death’s doorstep, there’s little choice.

Abigail had not been involved in the bank heist. She’s the one who will walk into the general store and buy the things Mallard needs. Jethro’s going along to keep an eye on her, much to the gang’s distress. Because if they lose Anthony, could they really afford to lose Jethro, as well?

Perhaps not. But Jethro wasn’t going to let his foolishness get Abigail into trouble. And letting her go alone would be dangerous.

As they ride into town, he keeps his hat low. Doesn’t look anybody in the eye. It’s been some years since he’s had to ride through a town where he’s wanted, and he hasn’t missed the way it feels. The urge to run, or the sensation that everybody’s staring at him. Having to keep his ears pricked, waiting to hear a lawman shout his name, or the crack of a rifle.

“There’s the general store,” Abigail points out.

He nods without a word, and to his surprise, Abigail has kept a lid on her usual chatterbox self. He knows she’s no fool; this is too important, and her nervous talking may likely draw attention. Even her usual frilly black lace attire has been replaced with a much less noticeable dress. Truly a sacrifice.

But Anthony’s life is more important, right now.

They climb off their horses, and Abigail makes a beeline for the door. “I’ll stay out here. To keep watch,” Jethro mumbles out. His eyes flicker around the street, relieved that everything seems normal.

Abigail nods. “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

Her words bring little comfort. Jethro doesn’t like feeling so exposed.

Jethro tries not to watch people as they walk by. That would only make him look suspicious - on the other hand, he needs to keep an eye out. Be it paranoia or caution, Jethro watches the townspeople from under the wide brim of his hat. For him, it’s unusual how normal they all act when Anthony is back at camp dying.

And he’s not sure what powers are at play. Whether God or the Universe or just bad karma coming to bite him in the ass. But Jethro’s gaze wonders over across the street, a few buildings down. His heart stops dead, and limbs go cold. Not even the scariest lawman in the state could make Jethro quite so scared.

You haven’t noticed him, of course. Nobody has. But Jethro noticed you instantly. Like his heart was a compass.

He watches you, deep in conversation with the owner of the store you just walked out of. And it’s no wonder - your last name is on the top of that store. This must be some kind of business meeting.

And Jethro’s well aware he’s staring. He knows he outta be on the look out. Knows he really shouldn’t care whether or not you’re in town because of some bank business that your father likely roped you into. The argument was still fresh in his head - there was nary a time Jethro didn’t think back on that night with a hole in his heart. Or a fire in his belly.

Despite his mixed feelings, Jethro’s certain you’ll still be cross with him. Would tell him that you never want to see him again, and he’s not sure he can take hearing that, right now.

But God, how he misses you.

Losing the privilege of talking and spending afternoons with you felt like losing a limb. Jethro missed being able to escape his lowly life for a few hours and feel almost free. And you make him feel good, too. Like he can be a decent, respectable man with a decent, respectable life.

If he apologized, can Jethro even hope you’d forgive him?

Finally, you seem to conclude the conversation with the store owner and begin walking away. Jethro’s first instinct is to follow, and for once, he’s well-aware of how misguided his instincts have been, lately. His head swivels around to the door - Abigail would be fine for a few minutes, surely. He only needs to say a few words to you. And that’s still assuming you would stop and listen.

Jethro is careful about how fast he walks - slow enough to not attract attention, but fast enough to catch up. His stomach is tight, palms are clammy, and Jethro finds he can’t hardly breathe once he’s a mere foot away.

But he needs to concentrate. Needs to stay calm to get your attention.

Slowly, he walks up to your side. And before you could turn and look at him, Jethro leans his head over. “It’s me,” he mumbles out. You jump in surprise, give a gasp, and Jethro’s worried you might say his name and out him. Perhaps this was a mistake.

You don’t say a word. You just stare at him, mouth agape, and he knows this is the perfect time to pull you away from public eye.

With a hand on your arm, he discreetly pulls you into the space between two buildings. Just wide enough to fit the both of them, but provides the perfect privacy he needs. Away from the high society he loathes so much - the only attention he seeks is yours, and now he’s got it.

It comes with a price, though. Your face isn’t so bright and alive as it usually is, and Jethro knows he’s the cause of that. Your eyes watch him carefully, and he notices dark circles that were never there previously. Haven’t you been sleeping?

“What are you doing in town?” You ask him harshly. Jethro’s head backs away from the ferocity of your words. “If the law catches you, you’ll be hanged.”

He knows that. And he knows the stupid decision he made leaving the shop to chase after you. “My friend was shot. We’re here getting some medicine for him, but I think we might be too late,” Jethro says flatly.

And to your credit, you look sad. Sympathetic for his problems, and Jethro doesn’t miss the way your hand comes to grip his arm. As if comforting him, but too afraid to really commit to it. “I’m sorry, Jethro. I really am. I do hope he gets better. But we should not be talking, and you should not be here.”

You’re inching away from him, eyes downcast. And it isn’t until Jethro sticks his arm up to block your path do you stop. “So that’s it? After everything,” he asks. You don’t respond, and that only flares up his old anger from the previous fight. “I know I can never measure up to you and your family. I know I’m some lowlife, no-good cowboy-”

“Jethro, I didn’t mean what I said.”

Your words drain the anger from him. Maybe they shouldn’t; Jethro is never so easily swayed by words. But you look back up to him, meeting his eyes. “I was just....angry and confused and frightened. My father was going mad with everything that happened. You’re a good man, I know that. And I’m so sorry about what I said.”

The apology wasn’t expected. Jethro sooner prepared for a slap to the face than your honest regret. And a small flare of hope rises - that maybe this doesn’t have to end.

You’re still staring. Watching his expression soften, and eventually, your hand reaches out to grip his. A gentle squeeze that Jethro’s been craving. The soft touch that somehow manages to mend some of the cracks that these last few days have inflicted on him.

The seconds tick by, and Jethro knows he’s already been away for too long. It was a gamble to leave the store, and now he’s just being foolish for staying this long.

Regardless, Jethro leans in and presses his lips against yours with fervor. If the first kiss were as gentle and slow as a stream, than this kiss was a raging river. It knocks the wind out of him. Makes him feel like he’s drowning and you’re keeping him afloat. And you....you’re grabbing onto him. Clutching him tight by his coat, unwilling to let him leave this little bubble you’ve created.

Acting like this is the final kiss you’ll ever share.

Jethro promises himself that won’t be the case.

Your lips are soft and pliable against his. Jethro would happily stay in this crevice for the rest of his life, but he breaks the kiss. As he leans back, he sees small tears trickle down your cheeks. With a heavy heart, he wipes them away. “I need to go now. But I need you to do something,” he says, voice somehow sturdy after that kiss.

You look reluctant. “Jethro-”

“Tell your father about us. About everything,” Jethro states. And he ignores the way your eyes flicker away briefly before returning. “Once Anthony’s fit to travel, we’re leaving. And I want you to leave with us.”

It was a tall order, he knew. Leaving everything you knew. Everyone you love. But Jethro knows he wants you with him. Feels it in his bones that you’re meant to be with him, always. And the way you’re still gripping onto him, you must feel the same. That undeniable tug, like a rope around his neck.

His hand runs along your cheek one final time before he pulls away. Unfurls your hands from his coat and squeezes out of the crevice. On his way back to the store, Jethro doesn’t look back. And yet, he feels your eyes on him.

Just as he returns, Abigail is exiting the store. And she’s isn’t stupid; she knows he was gone. Instead of scolding him for such a stupid move, she just furrows her eyebrows at him. “Where did you go?” She asks.

Jethro keeps his hat down, unwilling to look her in the eye. His answer was too long. Too complex.

“Something important I had to take care of,” he answers simply. Not a great answer, but the only one he’ll provide. “C’mon, let’s get back to camp.”

#ncis reader insert #ncis x reader #leroy jethro gibbs x reader #leroy jethro gibbs imagine

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weraceasone · 4 years ago

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Hi Elle

Im quite new to F1, but I've been watching a lot (since im on year end break), and ive come to adore the whole grid, all 19 of them. Ive noticed Max loves to run his mouth, not sure why he thinks thats a good idea in a sport full of politicking, but it frustrates me to no end. Because I adore him at times, and I hate him at times and I can't help but feel like he's just killing his own career through ruining his relationship with other teams. He wont be in red bull forever, and with the way he runs his mouth, i doubt any team is very excited to give him a seat if his talent comes with a side of his attitude. Its so frustrating because i know he's a good driver, i always want him to do well but this mentality of his that he can just get away with things is so annoying. I hope his actions of today won't come back to bite him in the ass because i think he's champion material. I also feel reluctant to support red bull at times but I adore Checo, and i wont wish a bad car or season upon anyone, because the team of engineers and mechanics that works hard doesn't deserve it, don't deserve to have people wish them terrible results when they work so hard, just because their leaders are some assholes. I just wanted to vent my frustration because anywhere else, especially f1twt is so brutal for some noob like me haha. I hope you're having a wonderful day, Elle!

[i also wonder if you dislike max? a lot of people do, i cant blame them, but i just wanted to know :)))))]

hey Anon!

(first of all, I wanted to say that you saying F1twt is a bit brutal for new fans made me a bit sad. I just want to say that you shouldn’t ever feel bad about not knowing something, and you also shouldn’t be made to feel bad for not knowing something. what an unkind response from people to drag down another person for not knowing every single thing. always feel free to ask me anything🧡)

do I like Max? hmmm, not really. but I don’t hate him either. when you’re young and you look at the villain in a movie, there’s always this sort of moment in the movie when you realize ‘oh, they have a good side too’. I think something that I’ve realized this past year, is that as much as I wish for them to be, most people aren’t completely, from head to toe, bad. when it comes to a person, there’s no such thing as black and white. I think that’s kind of how I view Max. he can be funny. I like him with Lando and Daniel and I think the comments he sometimes makes are funny. I like how he talks about his mother and sister and I thought it was really sweet how he was reminding his team to drink during races. yet, I don’t like Max. I don’t like the way he talks about people in a negative way, I don’t like how he doesn’t kneel, and I don’t like how he never apologizes when he did something wrong. I can’t bring myself to hate him, though. I was raised in a hard way, it was nothing compared to the way Max was raised, but I was never taught to be kind; I was taught that kindness was synonymous with weakness. I had to learn how to be kind all by myself. I know how hard it is to go from a clenched fist to an open palm, and I know that you have to take your own responsibility in life and look beyond the way you were raised. I know how hard it is to see your own red flags when you were raised by bulls (I swear, no pun intended). the difference between Max and I is that I never started working in an environment that told me, from day one, I needed to be harsh, emotionless and cruel in order to survive. I was never told I couldn’t show emotion, I was never told that if words weren’t enough, my fists would also do. do I think Max should have learned from his past actions; do I think he should have learned from the way he was raised and be the exact opposite? yes, I do. am I angry with Max for not doing that? no, not necessarily. there’s this desire from people to look at another person and want them to be perfect, even to the point where we even start to believe they are perfect. we look at these drivers and so desperately project all of our ideals onto them, and when they say or do something that doesn’t fit into the image we’ve created in our heads, it feels as if our world is breaking down piece by piece. and you know… it’s not feasible. it’s such a fragile idea to believe another person is perfect. these people aren’t our perception of them, just like our friends aren’t, just like our parents aren’t. we just have an idea in our heads based on the parts they chose to show us. it’s not a real thing. they are just as much human as we are, and they have the right to disappoint us. and just like they have a right to disappoint me, I also have a right to be disappointed in them. but at the end of the day, I have a perception of him in my head that probably doesn’t completely match with reality and that awareness shouldn’t get lost somewhere in between.

(this got super, super long. I’m sorry about that, Anon. I hope you’re having a good day! 🧡)

#elle answers #handpicked by elle

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queer-rat · 8 years ago

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#i cant handle anything there is too much in my head #i feel like im gunna break and cry and be all emotional i dont want to #but i dont want to not cry either ??#why am i like this why am i so bad at doing basic things #i dont understand how i can be fine/good bc of an unusually productive day and ?? really low sad lonely at the same time #i am slowly noticing more things about me that (might be)#part of the bpd traits i have #i am not a good person #i wish my father would gtfo of my life/house .#im scared my therapist will be disappointed/annoyed/unimpressed with me for not taking meds for a week bc i ran out & idk what im supposed #to do im too fucking anxious to do anything about it !!! i cant just ask them or call its too hard too much #&she'll ask why and ill find that so hard & uncomfotable to explain and feel so ashamed for being so pathetic and unable to do basic shit #im scared of getting better and scared of not getting better #i dont want to deal with any of this anymore #ive been seeking help/seeing various ppl for like 4 years now and theyre trying to get me to have hope and believe that this time itll #actually help #its very hard and i am reluctant to believe something ive had this long will ever get better enough (anxiety)#i dont want to live with anxiety .#but . (un) fortunately i am getting less impulsive its harder to sh and im far from being as close to suicide as id like #lol dark shit #if anyone reads all this thank u <3

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caitbalfes · 6 years ago

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He Who Waits for Something Good (9/?)

Jamie & Claire | Modern AU | At forty-five, Jamie fears he will never meet someone that measures up to the woman of his dreams. (AO3)

Sorry for the wait everyone, I suck at updating my stories. Funnily enough this was the very first chapter I wrote for the story (who has time for writing in order ??) but it needed some tweaking before I could post it.

Also, if you want to keep up with the timeline without having to go back to each individual chapter you can check out my new masterlist/fic page here: caitbalfes.tumblr.com/fics (the page is still a wip, but you can at least see the timeline for HWWFSG)

I. Woman of His Dreams • II. Fragments of Memory • III. Dreams of Old • IV. Eye of the Hurricane • V. Days of Joy • VI. Thoughts of You • VII. The Day Before… • VIII. Anniversary of Silver

IX. ... The Night We Met

February 25, 1997

He had been watching her for some time—ever since she stormed into the pub, nose red from the cold (it made her look all the more endearing.) She’d sunk down on a bar stool and pulled off her hat, causing her curly hair to stand on end.

He had tried his best not to look at her. Her demeanour was in no way inviting. (If he squinted he could almost see the steel armour she wore to protect herself from unwelcome attention.) Jamie wasn’t so foolish as to try and break through that wall, nor was he so disrespectful.

Yet, he couldn’t look away. It wasn’t just that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on, he felt inexplicably drawn to her. He wanted to talk to her, he really did, but he didn’t want to disturb her.

An hour went by. The woman hadn’t moved, and neither had he. She’d had a few drinks, as had he.

Eventually, people started to leave. His sister and Ian left first; they had Wee Jamie to get home to. The rest left one by one—or two by two—until only Jamie was left. He was about to leave himself, when he heard someone sniffling.

Instinctively, he turned towards the sound. It was her.

He thought at first it might have been the cold that made her sniffle, but he noticed the sadness in her eyes. Gingerly he laid a hand upon her shoulder, asking, “Are ye all right?”

She turned around, facing him. She regarded him for a moment. Then, “No. But I will be.” She lifted her glass to indicate her chosen remedy.

“Whiskey is comfort for your mind, but no for yer heart.”

“And how would you know what ails me, Mister?”

“I can see it in yer eyes, Sassenach.” He really could. Her face was exceptionally easy to read, and heartache was written across it.

She pursed her lips. “I know what that means, you know. Sashenack—that’s not a very nice word to use. Is that how you comfort women? Then I think I’ll stick to the whiskey.” She took a long sip, then looked up at him with a defiant smile, like a naughty child doing something she knew she shouldn’t.

“I didna mean it as something offensive, lass.” He hoped she realised how genuinely he meant it.

“Well, it really doesn’t matter how you meant it, my lad. You’re not seducing me tonight, so you can leave. It’s no use trying. I’m not having sex with you,” she said, crossing her arms across her chest.

His jaw dropped. “I-I—what?”

“I’m not going to have sex with you tonight—or any night.”

“Aye, I heard ye, Sassenach. I just wasna sure I was hearing correctly seeing as I canna remember propositioning you, or saying anything to that effect.”

“You didn’t yet, but I know what most men do. They walk up to the sad, lonely woman at the bar. They compliment and comfort her, they offer to take her home, and then they think themselves entitled to a reward of their choice—and that’s always sex.”

“Perhaps I am pretentious in saying so, but I would like to think that I am not like most men, and that I dinna necessarily place my behaviour at the lowest common denominator.”

She laughed, genuinely. “Very pretentious, but I kind of like you. Have a drink with me?”

“I dinna ken, Sassenach,” he teased, “yer no planning to take advantage of my vulnerable state?”

“Your vulnerable state?”

“Aye, this lass bruised my ego when she mistook me for the vile sort of man that would take advantage of a bonnie lass—”

She swatted his arm. “Stop it,” she giggled.

Jamie took a seat next to her and ordered another drink for himself.

“I’m Jamie, by the way.”

“Claire.”

“Should I walk ye home—or to wherever you’re staying?” he asked, partly because he wanted to see her home safe, and partly because he wanted to spend more time with her.

“No,” she said, insistently, shaking her head. “I don’t want to go back there.”

Jamie unconsciously clenched his fists. What awaited her “back there”? She’d been heartbroken when they’d met earlier that night, and she’d been drinking to soothe the ache. They’d spoken about a number of things, but Claire hadn’t revealed just what—or who had caused her broken heart. Hence, Jamie was weary. Her reluctance to go home had him worried an abusive boyfriend or something of the like was what awaited her.

“All right, lass. You can come wi’ me to my hotel room. You can take the bed.” He was in town for a friend’s engagement party. Normally he would’ve stayed with Jenny and Ian at Lallybroch, but they were renovating an old part of the house, and they also had a newborn baby, so Jamie was staying at a hotel in Inverness instead.

Claire took hold of his hand and squeezed it gently, smiling at him. “Thank you, Jamie.”

It was a short distance from the pub to the hotel, so Jamie and Claire walked the entire way. Claire hadn’t let go of his hand—which was probably a good thing, as her balance wasn’t great.

It wasn’t until they entered Jamie’s room that she released his hand, giving him a sheepish smile.

“Jamie . . .”

“Aye?”

She stood on tiptoes, her arm snaking around his neck, and placed her mouth on his, not quite kissing as much as breathing him in.

Alarm bells went off in Jamie’s head. This was very, very bad. And yet he didn’t pull back, couldn’t bring himself to.

Her lips moved against his experimentally, and his couldn’t help but respond. His hands found her waist to hold her to him. She felt small and fragile—and warm, and soft, and just right in his arms.

Claire brought her other hand to the back of his neck to pull him closer. He ran his hands down her hips, feeling her soft curves. God.

Her lips were demanding, her body enticing, and he was intoxicated, drunk on her—

Then he remembered.

And before he stepped off the edge and flung himself into the abyss, he tore his mouth from hers. “I thought ye said ye wouldna have sex wi’ me tonight—or any night.”

“That was before I knew you,” she said, running her hands through his hair.

“But—” Her lips chased his in an attempt to shut him up, but he took hold of her shoulders to force her back. “No,” he said. “We’re drunk.”

“It’s all right,” she said with conviction. “I believed you when you said you weren’t like most men, but now—now I’m asking you. Can’t you see that? Jamie, I’m asking you to fuck me.”

“Claire, I can’t.”

She took hold of his hand and pulled the reluctant limb from her shoulder and placed it on her arse. She looked at him intently, biting her lip.

A Dhia!

She was truly the most alluring woman he’d met, and God how he wanted her, he was achingly hard with it, but—

He smelt the whiskey on her breath and saw its effect in the gleam of her eyes. He wanted her badly, but more than anything he wanted to do right by her.

“Claire, you know we canna. Neither of us would feel right about it in the morning. You’re drunk, heartbroken . . . and ye came here to sleep, aye?”

Her giddiness was replaced by reluctant acceptance in an instant. She nodded tiredly. “You’re right. Take me to bed, Jamie—but not for that, just . . . tuck me in?”

“Of course.”

He took her hand and led her to his bed, where he tucked her in. He stroked her curls away from her forehead before placing a soft kiss there.

Claire smiled at him, her eyelids drooping. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Sweet dreams, Sassenach.”

#outlander fanfic #outlander fic #jamie x claire #outlander #fic: he who waits for something good #ff #jc ff #ina writes #i'm still not pleased with this #even after all the tweaking #but whatever #i should probably get a beta #also i'm posting this at a bad time #but if i don't post it now i might never post it #so here we go

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roguexunited · 7 years ago

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Wtf Star Wars: The Last Jedi, W.T.F.

“Wtf Star Wars: The Last Jedi, W.T.F.”

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE, IT CONTAINS SPOILERS.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Just coming out of the movie theater I still find myself with a sense of discontent after watching the newest installment of the Star Wars saga. Unfortunately for the franchise, Episodes I-III made me jaded about the whole affair, and I came to expect very little out of it, just with the exception of Rogue One, which till this day I think is the best the franchise has to offer, but more on that later. After the fiasco of the last one ― which was a carbon copy of Episode I, which itself is a carbon copy of Episode IV ― I was not expecting the story to deviate that much from the jewel that is The Empire Strikes Back, nonetheless, I found a very different Star Wars than what I expecting.

Different is good, it means that we are not getting dealt the same story over and over again and that the writers and producers understand that times have changed. In particular, I think that stories, even Disney stories, have come to understand that even though there is good and evil nothing is as black and white; Zootopia, Moana, and Brave have been some of the examples in which this dichotomy has been challenged and questioned, bringing forth a richer plot. Kudos for Star Wars for realizing that times have changed, but the execution of set change was deplorable, especially coming from a cinematic universe which foundation is precisely this dichotomy, light vs dark, good vs evil. Making the plot askew from this preset would have shifted the entire basis of the Jedi/Sith relationship, and shaken the galaxy as we know it. They tried, they really tried, most of the movie is trying but not doing anything to achieve change, falling Yoda's teachings in every step.

Let’s begin with the First Order and the dark side. What is up with that? It is understandable that, after one faction has taken out the opposition, the mentality and remnants of the fallen government doesn't just simply disappear, but apparently they didn’t disappear at all but thrived, grew and overtook this new Republic in record time. How? We don’t know. Why? We don’t know either. Mimicking A New Hope, where the story beings a medias res (literally as it is Episode IV), The Last Jedi takes off fighting a force which is not really explained, they are simply the bad guys. There is a rebellion, which should actually be the ruling government, but if it is seen as trying to silence the voices of the opposition then it becomes a new empire. So all the heroes we love needed to be forced into playing the role of the underdog once again. The First Order, with its religious and programed fanaticism, is unexplained and uncontested at the moment. At least, through the second trilogy (Episodes I-III) we so the rise the empire, explained through a political intrigued that showed that the battlefront had two fields: the political one, that was never the Jedi’s strong point, and the actual war, which was just a diversion to take over the Senate. In that regard, the second trilogy was very intelligent in paving the way for the original trilogy. Now, after two trilogies it is ludicrous that they present a villain in such an old fashion way. This is a nod to the original foundation of the Star Wars universe, the First Order represents darkness, and darkness rises from nowhere.

I also find it hard to believe that history is just that, old tales that don’t mean anything. Having heroes who fought in the original war are still alive and well (although in some cases dying), it is unbelievable that they didn’t see the signs and tried to put a stop to this whole dark side shenanigan. But yet again, they can’t be seen as the oppressors, so once more they are driven to become rebels, repeating the same hubris as the Jedi Knights before them, and so hope can only rise when the safety of the universe is in peril and when the good guys are backed up into a corner.

Now the same thing happens to Kylo Ren as a villain, just like Darth Vader before him, he was really no backstory, just that he is the son of two of the most beloved characters of the saga, but that for some reason he was corrupted. Unlike Vader, who we had to wait years until the second trilogy to find out the hows and whys of his downfall (which made The Revenge of the Sith tragic but necessary) I doubt Kylo Ren is going to get Episodes VII.I to VII.III to endear him to the audience just to break our hearts with his turn from the light. All we are left with is with some small insights to his character from a very detached set of parents and uncle, leaving Kylo quite un-humanized in that regard. With Rey, we see how they somewhat mirror each other, playing with the idea of the Ying and the Yang, but still a connection that at this moment seems forced and superficial. His struggle is mostly internal, we kind of see hints of grey, or at least Rey helps us point out those hints, but in the end, even when the writers tried to drag Star Wars kicking and screaming into a storyline that questions who are the good guys and who are the bad guys, they just couldn’t shake off the foundation of their universe, and so most of the movie is pointless in that regard, which is one of the reasons this rant was spurred into life.

Then we have General Hux, who is a cartoon villain with blind ambition, a short temper and a fragile male ego. I really don’t have much to say about him. He’s just there. Serving as an example of why this First Order needs to be taken down, sometimes as comedic relief, but mostly his just there fulfilling his role in this universe of unshakable black and white presets.

And where Oh! where do these almighty Sith Lords keep sprouting out of? This is a question that has been baffling me for years. Where? How? There was just supposed to be two, a master and an apprentice, yet they have been lying to the Jedi for centuries now because clearly there are more than two. If the Jedi would just admit that fact, then they wouldn’t be so surprised every time a Sith Lord takes over and darkness rules the galaxy. They should learn to be always on high alert because those guys are like cockroaches, they are the proverbial hydra that is invisible and will never be truly dead. But now, they are taken by surprise every time. Well, no, they were not taken by surprise, Luke knew, but what did he decide to do with the knowledge? Hide, that’s what he did.

Now to the good guys, The Republic/ The Rebellion. As mentioned before, they forced the characters back to the place where we found them back in the 70´s, fighting from the trenches (literally this time), the underdog, the last beacon of hope, and it’s starting to get old. How stupid can they be to let this happen a second time, after those poor folks in Rogue One gave their all to bring Leia hope, and the put everything into action! I am upset in their behalf. One would think it might take at least two or three generations to shift the balance of power, not just a couple of years. I guess what they are trying to achieve if to show that armed rebellions are not rewarded with steady long lasting governments, and then suddenly Star Wars gets too real.

Rey, Finn, and Poe. They are okay, but just okay guys. I mean, Rey is struggling with both light and darkness within herself, but just like Kylo’s struggle it is just a fleeting moment and ends up being superficial. Finn, was heroic the previous movie as they used him to show us that, against all odds, Stormtroopers can think outside the box! Who knew? His struggle, I think is the one that questions the dichotomy in the best way, as it shows how good and evil blur in the world beyond an individual, and how their balance affects the whole world. It is through this former Stormtrooper’s eyes that we begin to see beyond the Skywalker horizon. Let’s stick to it, let’s see where it takes us. And so all we have left is Poe, AKA, reckless, trigger-happy, stock hero that is just coming to understand those heroics have a human cost. Hurray for character growth (this is sarcasm by the way)!

Now, unfortunately, I am comparing The Last Jedi to Rogue One, which, in the blink of an eye, became my favorite Star Wars movie, right along with The Empire Strikes Back. In its core, Rogue One showed us the human side to both the Rebellion and the Empire. In the span of a movie, we were introduced to complex characters that were not black and white, but that stuck to their belief, even for a brief moment, which translates into knightly honor and another building block of the Star Wars universe. Their struggle was plagued with character flaws from both sides, we saw hesitation from members of the Empire as the pulled the trigger of the Death Star, we saw Bodhi and Galen Erso, who showed as the reluctance of some members of the Empire and that some had a choice and decided to do something about it, now Finn joins their ranks. We also so Cassian who was not a boy scout and who struggled with the difficult decisions being at war brought him to. We also witnessed that not everyone in the Rebellion’s command was completely trustworthy and good. All in all, we saw Star Wars done well. And now this. THIS.

The Rebels we found in Rogue One ― whose flaws made them endearing and, to me, even more heroic ― are lost, all that’s left is the carcass of a rebellion that has lost its light and pins all of its hope on Carrie Fisher, who we literally have lost. I understand why Leia is the beacon of hope, she is the lady of light that has guided the Star Wars universe since the beginning. But now that we have lost Fisher in live all I have to look forward to is a CGI Leia, which breaks my heart, the technology hasn’t been developed to the extent Sim0ne promised. Now, with that beacon of light dwindling, we no longer have a general to guide the way. Rogue One was powerful, their suicide mission to give it all in the name of the Rebellion was pure perfection, but Leia’s appearance at the end just sealed the deal and made it greater. Now all is gone, and we have to wait and see how they will solve this problem now that they literally placed all their eggs in the Leia basket.

Now, to the grey areas. The only character that showed an inch of complexity, perhaps a little more profound than questioning of a couple of beats, was DJ as he was the only one that understood that things are not just black and white, but he is despicable because he has no true honor, or so we’ll see. As I said before, knightly honor is another building block in the Star Wars universe, and because he has none, his teachings will go unheeded until he either chooses a side or dies a horrible death, will just have to wait and see.

Finally, I’ll write about my pet peeve. There was an astounding lack of decorum in this movie, and some of the jokes (most of them actually), were lame, VERY lame. In past movies, we’ve seen that the comedic relief is up to the droids and the non-humans, and in some cases the heroes, but this time the jokes, to my perception, were very poorly timed. Yes, Luke Skywalker I’m talking about you, you know what you’ve done! I miss the days when Jedi masters were either true knightly gentlemen or completely batshit crazy, but not something in between. Luke, “You are the celery of desserts, be ice cream or be nothing.”

I will not delve into the rest of what caused me pain about this movie. Although, as my friend WiseCube pointed out, the amount of Pokemon was astounding now that they’ve discovered CG, but that is a rant for another day. All that is left to say is that if Rogue One hadn’t come along this rant would be much shorter and probably more private, what that movie showed me was that there are possibilities for the Star Wars universe, possibilities that can be executed well when their goals are well scripted. And so now, the rest of the saga needs to step up, no more slacking!

#star wars #the last jedi #personal rant #spoilers #spoiler alert #star wars the last jedi

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dimsumdamsel · 8 years ago

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92 truths that you dont really need to know about me but im gonna tell you anyway ! !

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by: @slavshiro ohoo THANK YOU ILY

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom just called me to tell me to turn the stove on [3] text message: the love of my life, sonia!!! [4] song you listened to: 말이야 (I Mean That) by CLC!!! quality song [5] time you cried: dec 8 when i thought i only got 10/60 on my calc final cause i had an anxiety attack in the middle of it and called my cousin on her birthday and cried to her about being worthless and how my parents deserve a better daughter, one more like my successful brother :^) i havent cried since then because im even more dead than ive ever been :^)

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope, i dont want to relive any of my past relationships; i mean it ended for a reason so? but maybe for a future relationship if it comes to it?? theres still an extremely low chance of it happening though lol [7] been cheated on: not that i know of but probably not [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ksjngkejrnkgne yeah, elementary school with isaiah mike lmao what a mistake [9] lost someone special: mmmm not recently [10] been depressed: i’m honestly not sure– like its not bad enough to where i would need medicine but i do feel down, empty, and find it hard to be happy a lot?? its mostly cause of school but baHhhhahaH yikes dog pictures never fail to cheer me up though [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im a good girl, i dont plan on drinking until im legally allowed to lmao even than, i probably would still be reluctant

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] orange (orange clothes are ugly though) [13] cream / white ! [14] dark blues !

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: sweats honestly no, i havent made any new friends for a couple years now? i mean i met people form key club but i dont talk to them often [16] fallen out of love: i guess [17] laughed until you cried: i think so [18] found out someone was talking about you: yO SO MY FRIEND TOLD ME TODAY THAT SOMEONE I DATED KEEPS TELLING MY OTHER FRIEND THAT HE MISSED ME AND honestly get over me please, like its been like what nine months now and youre not going to get anywhere with mulling in the past? dont bother other people about this because they dont want to hear it. [19] met someone who changed you: NOT IN THE PAST YEAR KFKNDFKE [20] found out who your true friends are: i never have fake friends? like even if they wanted to gain something from me there would be nothing to get lmao [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: nAH

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably a little more than three fourths [23] do you have any pets: i have a six inch fish, my dad has a six inch fish, and my mom has two smaller three inch fish (the ones my dad and i own are at least five years old now and the ones my mom has are less than a year old) [24] do you want to change your name: nope, my parents chose it for me and i want to honor that, plus i dont think any other names would suit me [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went out to eat kbbq with sonia and then stayed home for the rest of the day !!!!! thank you sonia ohoo i would’ve just spent it doing nothing wihtout you kjngkjer [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: dinking around on my phone probably [28] name something you cannot wait for: short term: the week to end, long term: owning a dog [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 3 minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i was more confidant about myself and my ability to do things [31] what are you listening to right now: good luck by aoa [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: i know a tommy?? [33] something that is getting on your nerves: :3 [34] most visited website: “tinklr dot hell” [35] elementary: i miss my elementary school friends : ( [36] high school: fuck the counselors [37] college: high school + more crying honestly, i like it though, i feel more free (at least in the running start program lmao) im waiting to see if UW seattle and bothell want me next year though and i really want to die at the though of them not accepting me cause i’ll just be an even bigger disappointment to my family lol [38] hair color: dark brown but a chestnut-ish color in the sun (i really want to dye my hair so its that chestnut color all the time though) [39] long or short hair: i like short hair but i currently have long hair thats three or four inches under my armpits, i plan on cutting it soon though [40] do you have a crush on someone: no serious ones, just the “wow he smiled at me “ and “gOd he held the door for me i am Snatched” kind of little crushes [41] what do you like about yourself?: i like that i was able to make good friends [42] piercings: ears [43] blood type: B+ i think– not completely sure if im + or - but i know its B for sure [44] nickname: none, just pet names from sonia and jiejie by gil ohoo [45] relationship status: single and not really looking for anything, i just want a dog [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: i surprisingly have a lot of favorite american shows like bones, psych, monk, criminal minds, leverage, saving hope, pushing daisies, ghost whisperer, basically all shows on ion tv minus law&order, then theres gravity falls and bobs burger, and then a bunch of animes and dramas [49] tattoos: none but ive always wanted one either on my wrist or inner arm ! [50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: never [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: lisa! we’ve literally known each other since we were born and shes always going to be my favorite cousin and one of my best friends [54] sport: track [55] vacation: dont remember very well?? i saw some vcr tapes of us going to disney in 2001 though [56] pair of trainers: ive never had any trainers, just running shoes?? i had small red sandals that squeaked whenever i walked when i was a kid though

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (ive been drinking so much water lately but i’m always thirsty so i lowkey think theres something wrong with me) [59] i’m about to: knock out [60] listening to: 情歌王 by leo ku (its like a compilation of classic love songs thats 13 minutes long but i could sing the entire thing karaoke style easily) [61] waiting for: death [62] want: to not disappoint my parents, my friends, or myself anymore [63] get married: eventually i guess [64] career: student, scribe/visual interpreter/reader/proctor for my college’s DSS

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs ! [66] lips or eyes: eyes ! ! which is funny cause making eye contact with people makes me Uncomfortable [67] shorter or taller: taller please, im tired of being the taller friend and i want to feel small for once [68] older or younger: older, i’ve had enough with younger guys lmao [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic but spontaneous is good too [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms i guess [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive?? [72] hook up or relationship: relationship wtf i dont even get how hook ups work alright [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant lmao

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no what the heck [75] drank hard liquor? nope [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lost contacts (which sucks cause i wear hard contacts since they cant make soft ones with my prescription and only replace them once a year, thankfully i can use the ones from previous years) but never glasses [77] turned someone down: no [78] sex on first date? yikes no [79] broken someone’s heart? ya but it was for the best [80] had your own heart broken? ya but i was never that sad about it [81] been arrested? no oml i sweat every time i see cop cars [82] cried when someone died? no one close to me has died so far, but i def cried at the ladies’ code car accident [83] fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? i want to [85] miracles? yes but i have yet to witness any [86] love at first sight? mmmm to a certain extent– i think its mostly based on looks but when you get to know them that when the real love happens [87] santa claus? used to exist probably [88] kiss on the first date? depends [89] angels? yeah, why not

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: sonia del casal : ) [91] eye colour: dark brown [92] favourite movie: listen ive watched your name (kimi no na wa) a grand total of sixteen (16) times and i could still watch it another ten times (i love to suffer)

tagging @sweet-hunny, @hideous-kojimmies , @panda-p-king, @puervy , @otonai , @izumiiz , @hxanns , anyone cause yikes i dont know very many people

#no need to actually do it if i tagged to too btw #its just for fun and whatever #thank you for tagging me again though ohohohoh ily #dimsums demise

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fuukonomiko · 8 years ago

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Tainted Chapter 2 The Reluctant Psyker

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9314780/chapters/21463847

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299182/3/Tainted-Revised-Edition

Since the whole deal with the Aswang's hidden army, Primarch Magnus kept her close at bay. She had been promoted to the ranks of more regaled Remembrancers who worked with the Crimson King's primary company. Not that it made her job any easier. If anything, she felt more pressure to perform. She wanted to show him she was worth it. She gathered as much items and information from the ruins of the Eastern part of the planet, gathering books, artifacts of interest and relics. She made careful notes of the achievements of the Thousand Sons, drawing, writing, and reporting. She did her best to avoid being a damsel-in-distress. For one reason or another she often found herself being hounded by rogue attacks from what was left of the Xeno resistance, and the not-so-occasional assault by the planet's own predators. She used whatever psychic attack she knew, a number of times burning her hands in the process or rendering herself lightheaded and syncopal. She had gotten so well acquainted with the Apothecary that they called each other by first name basis.

"I think you enjoy my company too much, Mistress Karimah." one Apothecary named Abulkhariz observed as he tended to her injuries.

"I do." she replied, wincing as he started to clean the abrasions. "I just wish it was spent under a cooling tent with coffee and pastries. " She sighed. "I'm beginning to wonder if these beasts don't like my scent. I haven't seen them attack anything or anyone else for that matter." she raised a brow at the Astartes, "You don't suppose I should change bath soaps?'

The Space Marine laughed, knowing full well that the reason for the Remembrancer getting assaulted by these animals had nothing to do with her being eyed as dessert, but had all to do with a very curious Primarch. Magnus had deliberately let her underguarded, or not guarded at all to see how she would fare against random assaults. He had instructed the Space Marines to leave her to her defenses unless it was absolutely necessary to step in.

"What if she gets killed in the process, my Lord?" Phosis T'kar once asked when told by his Primarch to stay in the background.

"Then you have failed orders." Magnus explained. "I said, step back, observe what aetheric powers she draws. I didn't say not to help her."

She did relatively well, he had to admit as he casually watched from a distance. She was clearly a little rusty, as control of her powers was something she lacked. His Astartes stepped in at about the right time before she damaged herself, just as he ordered.

"She commands the power of lightning, Hathor." he spoke to the captain of the Third Fellowship once he was satisfied with his observation. "I believe she will do well with the Pavoni. Teach her, my son. Show her the ways of the aether."

Hathor Maat knew it was an order, not a request.

The captain of the Pavoni was puzzled, to say the least. What benefit would it be to train a human whom he was certain showed no interest of being an Astartes? Surely the Prosperan woman had powers that were unseen of for her level, but why harness it?

"If you see a piece of coal on the ground, Hathor, one with the slightest hint of being a diamond underneath, would you not attempt to polish it to see what you can make of it?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"It may just be of value to you someday...to use for a personal ornament, or one to be gifted to someone else. But you would not know until you harvest it. Break it down until you get to the very core and unlock its true beauty. I see no reason for such potential to be wasted because it went by unnoticed."

The Pavoni never questioned his Primarch again.

Meanwhile the Word Bearers and the Thousand Sons made waste of their respective regions before finally conquering the south of the planet in the name of the Imperium. The remaining outer colonies had surrendered without much ado, as they lacked anything close to the defenses the main planet had. Within several weeks the Aswang planet was labelled compliant by the Imperium of Mankind.

Magnus then tried to investigate the rest of the psychic energy he had once noticed when they first landed, but it had somehow mysteriously dissipated. Disappointed at the lost opportunity, he had left early, notifying his Father of the victory, and the Adeptus Mechanicus of their new playground.

Hathor Maat was initially reluctant to take on the Prosperine Remembrancer under his wing, but found her later to be a very eager student. She made it a point to be on time for their hours-long sessions, and showed genuine interest and enthusiasm for what knowledge he had to show her. She worked hard, studied hard and was very attentive to him. It made the time fly by quick whenever they had encounters.

"I suspect you enjoy your charge's company too much there Hathor." Phosis T'kar once teased as the former left after his teaching session with Karimah with an ear to ear grin on his person.

"He hardly spends time with us anymore." Khalophis elbowed his fellow Astartes. In a mock voice he imitates the captain of the 3rd Fellowship. "Oh sorry guys, Ive got to teach my pretty... I mean...industrious student out there."

"Well, she is better looking than all of you." the Pavoni captain smirked. "And with a much more likable personality."

"She does not have eyes for you, you know."

"Well she has none for any of you either."

Magnus shook his head as he overheard his captains. "She is your disciple, not an object of dissection." he scolded them. He dismissed the rest of them and beckoned to Hathor

to inquire about the Prosperan Remembrancer's progress.

"She is an intelligent woman, my Lord." the head of the Pavonis reported. "She enjoys lessons in biomancy, telepathy and telekenesis."

"And do you like imparting knowledge to her?"

"I do....however..." he paused before adding. "She hesitates."

A flicker appeared in Magnus' eye. He was not completely surprised by this report. "In what regard?"

"When it comes to matters of tapping into her aetheric energy and projecting her non-corporeal form." he noted, his forehead furrowing at the thought. "She does not say much, but I know she can do much more than she shows. I can sense it."

"Have you tapped into her thoughts on why she holds back?"

"She blocks me to a degree." he confessed, albeit a little embarassed at the fact. "I think I might have taught her too well on that...but I feel her fear. A great fear. Of what I cannot fathom."

"Do you think she does not wish to engage in this endeavor?"

Hathor shook his head. "She is interested, I am certain. Until this...irrational fear would come over her...I wish I could explain it."

From a distance, Karimah could tell she was the subject of conversation, but she dared not acknowledge it. She had been training with Hathor Maat with her psyker abilities and she would be lying if she had said she did not like them. Telepathy, divination and telekinesis interested her greatly although she knew they were not her greatest asset. Her strongest ability laid in her ability to form fire and lightning out of her hands and form protective shields. Well, that and one other thing...one she preferred to keep a secret.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9314780/chapters/21463847

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12299182/3/Tainted-Revised-Edition

The sexy smut is at the end of the chapter :-)

@the-fluffy-underbelly

@ship-garbage-pile

@neshtasplace

@pholcidae

@ultramarineblues

@mrsdorn

@sisterofsilence

@siaariel

#Magnus the Red #primarch magnus #warhammer 40k

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colorfulsuitdestiny-blog · 7 years ago

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How good is USAA auto insurance?

"How good is USAA auto insurance?

I heard about a company called USAA for auto insurance yesterday. I think it's a website for military officers, and ex-officers or enlisted people. My dad was in the Air Force and I think that qualifies, but I dont know how good this company is or how well they deal with claims. Please tell me about your experiences with them.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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I need health insurance but I can't afford most policies. My husband doesn't make a lot and the insurance he can get through his job is just too costly. Can anyone help?

""I need advice on selecting the right health insurance for me, one that covers accutane....plz help!?""

Hi all. i'm 20yrs old. i work full time, and the company that i work for offers Aetna Insurance, i believe...but i've heard that it's not that great. i need an affordable insurance plan, one that covers Accutane (acne medication) and dermatologist visits. plz help!!!""

How much does home insurance cost?

I am looking to buy a home in northern california and was wondering how much home insurance cost. I have a family of 5 (including me), good credit score, and am looking at homes around $250,000. I want descent coverage, but not for a lot of money. could you please answer and give me the names of any place i can get good home insurance that is not too expensive. thanx""

Question about car insurance?

My grandmother traded my car in & got me an 06 explorer. They financed it threw C&F fiance Company. The interest rate it 16.99% and the payments are $439.57 for 72 months. My question is, after we got home she got to looking at the paperwork and realized they put GAP insurance on the car charging $625.00 What exactly is this insurance? Is it necessary with me with my full coverage? Why was she not asked rather she wanted this kind of insurance or not? Thanks to anyone that may could possibly help me!""

Astra van Mk4 Insurance for 17 year old...?

Hey, I know its probably thought as weird but for my first car/van I want a Vauxhall Astravan as I love the shape and the car/van itself. The thing is the New model (06-TO current) have the 1.3 CDTI engine which is good but if you want a decent one there all 3000+... The Mk4 astravan (98-06) only go as low as a 1.6 Deisel. Could I be insured on this or would it be a big bill, or is it just worth getting a normal car? Chris""

""Considering how big a money making racket Healthcare, and Insurance is?

Is it any wonder how bad republiklans would try to sabotage the Affordable Health care act? It's such a racket the Mafia is in on it..Florida.. woooowoooo lets stay together..

Which company have cheapest auto insurance?

Which is cheapest auto insurance

I was denied medcaid and chips for my 2yr son. Is there any other affordable insurance out there?

I was denied Medicaid which is understandable. I applied for Chips and was denied as well.......because I was $50 over the income guidelines. I don't receive any other kind of assistance. I can't afford the insurance at work. I pay my own tuition for school, my own groceries, and so on. I just would like to know if there is any other type of affordable insurance for my child.""

Should I cancel my car insurance policy?

So long story short -- I totaled my car in an accident which was my fault back in December, and unfortunately did not have collision coverage on my insurance policy. I am a full-time student and have been unable to afford purchasing another car since then, and do not know when I will be able to afford another car. Although I am now without a vehicle I have been reluctant to cancel my insurance policy because I was told that if I did, whenever I purchased another car and had to buy insurance again the price of it would skyrocket because I would be considered high risk for having a chronological gap in my coverage. So basically I am currently paying $80 a month for car insurance when I do not even have a car, just to avoid having it go up even more at some point in the unknown future after I buy another car. Is this worth it or would it be wiser to just go ahead and cancel my policy? I would like to get some other people's counsel on this who know more about car insurance and who are more financially competent than I am. Thanks so much.""

Affordable dental insurance that includes braces?

I live in Santa Maria Ca,93458""

What are some car insurance companys?

would love to know ones that are cheap???

""How much does a car insurance quote cost?If u get one u wont get emails from them,and stuff in the mail,will u""

How much does a car insurance quote cost?If u get one u wont get emails from them,and stuff in the mail,will u""

What is the best (Cheap) insurance?

I live in Jacksonville Fl. I was wondering what is the cheapest, but good insurance for someone who just got their license. I am 17 right now, and in a few months I will be 18, since i have no one to let me drive with my permit i am going to pay someone to come out and teach me so i can get a car and my license.""

Where can i get extremely cheap car insurance for a 17 year old student?

i have recently passed my drivin test and i am looking for cheap car insurance...everywhere i look its is way too exspensive....if any1 could help me out please do.....this doin my head in now...thanks for any help given

First car/insurance question?

http://westpalmbeach.craigslist.org/car/676277707.html im looking to buy this car for my first car, i currently have more than enough for it, plus i really have wanted a lancer. is that a good car? 2nd. do you need to pay insurance on a car that you dont use? im an avid driver, but i havent got my license yet, *2months exactly left*. if i get it, will i pay insurance for 2 months...without use? in the hypothetical scenario, where i wont even use my drivers permit with it with a parent of course.""

Where to find affordable auto insurance?

I have a 2002 Mi Gallant ES , I have had my full coverage insurance for over a year now but its currently 160$ a month and I would like to find something more affordable , any ideas? all comments and suggestions are appreciated BTW: Ive never had any tickets or accidents or a lapse in coverage I am 22 years old Thanks in advance!""

Question about my insurance?

I had an accident two weeks ago I wonder if my insurance pay for my medical costs. (suppose I am at fault) and I have full coverage insurance which includes: Bodily injury 25/50 (is it for the other person involved who is not at fault or can it be used for me too?) uninsured motorist 25/50 comprehensive collision

Question about health insurance & pre-existing conditions?

Shortly before being taken off of my parent's insurance plan, I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition that requires expensive blood tests and regular office visits. I have applied for insurance through my job, and when reading the bylaws I noticed that it does not cover pre-existing conditions. Will my thyroid disorder be considered a pre-existing when I was diagnosed only a few months ago? Will I ever be able to get any kind of insurance coverage for this disorder now?""

How can I sort out this car insurance issue in the UK?

I've been living in the UK doing some studies for 3 years. When I came to the UK, I didn't know how to drive a car. Also, I found it difficult to pass the driving test in the UK and afford private driving lessons. Few months ago, I went for a 3-month holiday in my original country, Egypt. There, learning how to drive is much easier and less expensive. Besides, issuing a driving license is not so difficult as the theoretical and practical tests are not so complicated. Therefore, I decided to learn and get a national license. Based on this license, I could issue an international one from Cairo that allowed me to drive in some countries one of which is the UK. However, when I returned to the UK and decided to by car, I found a proper one for 550. I decided to buy it, but I was asked to go online to get a quote from a car insurance company. I spent the whole night trying all the websites that my friends told me about. The shocking fact is that many of them refused to give me a quote because I hold an international license, not a UK one. Even those websites which accepted that requested a huge amount of money (i.e. not less than 1, 200-1, 600) which is much higher than the price of the car itself. I wonder if there's a way to sort this out or if there's any alternative solution that saves money for me. I don't want to go through any further driving tests in the UK. Also, I don't want to provide wrong data (e.g. having a full-UK license). Your suggestions are highly valued (serious answers please as I really feel down!). Thanks so much in advance!""

Affordable health insurance?

I'm nineteen years old and I don't have health insurance. I'm going to be a college student in the fall. I was wondering if anyone had any idea how I could find good, affordable health insurance? Also some help as to how the whole co-pay thing works would help out, too. I used to have a certain health insurance for people from low-income families but they just cut mine off so I need to get some. Thanks in advance!""

Looking for health insurance that covers IVF?

I am seeking health insurance that covers infertility treatment in the State of Md. Maryland is a mandated state for IVF coverage but I am not sure how it works with regard to individual policies. I know that if is not excluded from the policy that they would be required to cover it. Does anyone know how to get a reasonably priced individual policy that may cover IVF treatment??

How much is insurance for a road legal buggy? Or how much would you guess?

I'm 22 and only just got my drivers licence. The buggy I'll get will probably be about 250cc. Probably second hand and worth around 1500-1750. If you have the answer that'd be great, but mainly I just want to know whether it'll be significantly lower than it is for males my age to get car insurance. No need to mention getting quotes from websites, I've already thought of it.""

How would the insurance companies treat mounting a smaller sized engine inside a sport model car?

If i were to for example, mount a 1.4 vauxhall astra engine inside a GSI model car, would the insurers treat it as a 1.4 vehicles insurance rate?""

How good is USAA auto insurance?

How much is motorcycle insurance?

For an 18 year old male with a streetbike, how much would insurance cost. I am just looking for a range because I plan to get a bike in the future and want to be prepared.""

How much is it to get your insurance license?

How much is it for the classes/exams/etc in california? I just got hired for state farm, and i need an insurance license but how much is it exactly?""

Can i get new york insurance while maintaining a florida tag?

Can I get new York insurance while maintaining a Florida license plate?

How much does liability insurance cost?

I live in NC. I don't own a car and just need the insurance to get a driver's license. Getting added to someone else's policy is not an option for me.

What should I do I hate insurance company?

This is frustrating I got involve an accident was going straight and suddenly a lady turned in front of me I could have ran into to her but I choose to go around and I wrecked my car to a fire pole she ddnt stop I spoke to geico they gonna fix my car as I had full coverage but they said they gonna analyse if my policy will increase or not at renewal cause they putting me at fault as there's nobody else to blame and the funny thing is that same thing happen to me a year ago I turned in front of a lady she could have went around but she ran right into me where the accident happen there was camera if I'm able to get them the videos to show that I didn't intentionally wreck my car would they take that in consideration ? Now they making me think bad like I should have run into her car and let her take the blame I could have get injured and probably everybody in her car? This is bs

Yamaha dt 125 insurance?

hi, i have been looking on ebay and i have found that i may want to buy a yamaha dt 125. i have been riding a speedfight 50 for a year and a half however i did buy a ajs 125 which by the way was a terable bike. i was wondering what the insurance usually costs for a dt 125, i have already changed my insurance once in the past 12 months to swap back from the ajs to my scooter (i blew the gear box) so that may effect it. thank you so much for any responce i get (PS sorry about the bad english, it all looks the same to me being dyslexic)""

What is the best age to buy life insurance?

Car insurance 2 Different Co?

My girlfriend recently bought a car but she is insured by her parents policy, she is wanting to know if she can get another insurance company's policy without raising her parents rates.""

What is a good low cost health insurance plan for my family?

I am 27 and my wife is 26. I am currently a full time college student and my wife is bartending until I finish school. We have no kids but also not a lot of money. I don't mind ...show more

Drink driving insurance?

I was convicted of drink driving last year. Just got my driving licence back. Does anybody know where I can get cheap car insurance, theres loads of companies that say they specialise in convicted driver insurance but some of the prices I have been quoted have been astronomical. 1000+, Ive tried all the comparison sites, is there any companies out there that specialise in providing insurance for convicted drink drivers?""

What company offers the cheapest auto insurace?

Help!!!I My car insurance is $432.00 a month! My husband has gotten 3 speeding tickets within the past year and our car insurance has sky rocketed. We currently have Geico Insurance and I have gotten a few more qoutes from different companies but nothing has been cheaper. Besides the obvious advise (SLOW DOWN), does anyone know what we can do to lower our monthly premium?""

Why do people keep comparing health insurance to car insurance?

Liberals justify a Federal Mandate to carry health insurance by comparing it to govt. mandates on car insurance. The Government cannot force anyone to purchase anything. Driving is a choice , and if you choose to drive you understand that you need to purchase insurance. Living is not a choice!!!! Does anyone agree?""

""Axa car insurance, am I insured?""

I have my toyota avensis 4 door saloon car insured through my broker with Axa. The insurance certificate i have received says 5 door hatchback. I have rang my broker and have been told Axa do not recognise an avensis D4D vermont as being a 4 door saloon. I know what car i have, now i wonder am i really insured, if the insurance policy and the tax book dont match.""

18yr old with an provisional can i drive my brothers car without me being insurance to drive it?

im 18 yrs old i have a provisional and my brother is takeing me out in his car im just woundering do i need to be on his insurane on his car cos he said thta all i need is L plates and my provisional i just want to make sure thanks ps can u reply asap he taking me out today in his car for the first time

""Buying new car, Insurance buying question?""

I want some insurance details about buying a new car from a dealership. Am I required to buy insurance before taking it off the lot after buying it (except in test drives, which the car is insured by the dealership??), or is there a grace period that you can drive without insurance? For instance, when I go in to buy a car, should I have already contacted an insurance agency and gotten quotes to be able to call them and get insured before I drive it off the lot?""

Is it bad to cancel new car insurance after just 1 month?

ok i bought a bad car from a dealer that scammed me and im a new driver and it was the first time i had a car and the first time i put on car insurance the reason why im asking is because ive bought the car and after 10 min of driving the car it died on me and there was no warranty dumb of me not to buy a warranty plus it was an old car anyways i got new car insurance and i sold the car and people was telling me that because im a new driver if i cancel my insurance early that i wont be able to open up a new one or it will be harder to open one up in future is that true?

Average insurance rate for a taxi?

in bakersfield ca

""My brother stole my car and I don't have Insurance, what do I do now?""

My brother took my car while I was at a BBQ, He was slightly intoxicated and had his 8 year old daughter in the back seat, He ended up hitting a parked truck on the road, less than a half mile from my house. My whole right side of my car is gone, My mirror, antenna, side columns, head light, right side of my bumper, and my A frame of my SUV is broken, I couldn't drive it as if i tried my right tire would of popped off. I had to get it towed. My SUV is a 2006 Jeep liberty. I don't have insurance on it right now, although I had an insurance card before i got it canceled, which state's I'm still covered until October 3rd. (which i showed the cop) My dad thinks that my car will just be totaled. I owe more than $12,000 on this car. The truck he hit also has severe damage to the back left tail light and broken his A frame in the back as well. The cops were called and luckily the cop that came was really nice and waited for me to get to the scene. He cited my brother for failure to control and my brother got really lucky he didn't get a ride to the police station. My brother just got a DUI less than 2 weeks ago. My dad said that the money for my car and the guy's truck to be fixed is going to come out of my pocket. I am only 19 I do not want to be in debt, this was my first car. I'm pissed at my brother and he has decided he is not going to go to court and he's going to run so it's all going to be my responsibility since my brother is a dummy. What do I do? Do i call and get my insurance reinstated and hope they cover it or do i just pay it out of my pocket? I didn't have insurance on that car as I have not been driving it since i just moved back to Ohio from Arizona 3 months ago. Honest answers PLEASE! I'm in over my head.""

How much does insurance for a motorcycle cost?

I currently don't own a motorcycle but am curious the cost of insuring it. I live in Vermont so I would only be riding it from June to September. I would probably be riding a 2002 Yamaha YZF R6.

Is there such a policy that combines life insurance/investments/savings?

Maybe trying to get the best of all worlds but Im looking for a plan that has life insurance but the money i contribute is invested or accumulated for some sort of return.

How much more would i have to pay insurance for a cheve monte carlo?

Im 16 and i want to get a cheve monte carlo but my parents say that the insurance will be too much, but there are a lot of people my age with one and i am pretty sure we are more better off financial than they are""

How much is my car insurance ? 07 Camry 20 years of age southern California what would be the car insurance ?

""Were can i find cheap car insurance from, for 22-23 yr old woman?""

Were can i find cheap car insurance from, for 22-23 yr old woman?""

Cheap health insurance for college students?

I live in Orlando, FL and i'm a non-smoking college student. Does anyone know of any cheap health insurance or even health discount plans that I could get on just to cover the cost of my Bipolar disorder meds and possibly a couple of visits to the psychiatrist? Yearly physicals and examinations I can handle, but this psychiatrist that I see is $200.00 a visit PLUS the cost of all of the perscriptions he prescribes to me. HELP!""

How much would insurance be for a young person with a luxury car?

I was wondering if there's anyone (preferably a lady) between 22-25 who has a luxury car like a Jaguar, BMW or an Audi, and how much you pay for insurance. I'm 23 & looking to buy an Audi A4 or a BMW 3 series (second hand). So just wanted to know if theres anyone else out there with those cars :) thanks in advance x""

How good is USAA auto insurance?

Quote for insurance>seats?

when getting a qcar insruance quote when its askes how many seats for a 3 door car would that be 4 seats? ta x

Car Insurance & Title Question?

Okay, my question is, I am quantified for a loan on a new car. I'm going to get a new car, & since i'm the primary person on the loan, and my mom as the co-signer, Can i still get the Tags & Title primary in my mom's name, and me as secondary (so nothing happens to the car if my mom defaults on any of bills of any sort) so that way i can be on my mom's car insurance for a lower rate? Or does the tag & titles got to have me as primary b/c of the loan?? & if so can my mom still be 2nd-ary, and still be on her car insurance for a low rate?? Also, in any and all of these seniors, will it still build both mine & my mom's credit up??? Thanks, Ashley""

Classic mustang AAA insurance?

How much does it cost (annually or monthly) to insure a classic mustang (1964-1972) with AAA?

How do I find out who insures a store?

I know its private and you can't find this out and the owner doesn't have to tell you. Although there is a safety hazard when I go into this store and I don't want to get hurt and have to sue...I don't want it to get down to that...I want to let they're insurance company know. This really concerns me how you can contact somebody's insurance company... Is there anybody else I can report to?

Will my car insurance go down?

I've wrecked about 2 cars. and my insurance got high I would like to know if I stopped driving would my insurance go down over time?( I am currently driving a motorcycle)

How to talk to somone on the phone to set up appointments for insurance?

hi guys i just got a job at a insurance place and my part of the job is to call people to get insurance leads. does anyone know whats the best way to sell insurance and get appointments? please and thank you

Young new driver getting car insurance?

Okay so i got my license January of this year and i am starting college. i already took a college class last semester while i was in high school. i heard you can send in your grades if their are good to reduce the bill. i lost my high school report card but i was wondering if i can request my college transcript ( which is one class) i got an A in it and i have a 4.0 so can i send that in to reduce the bill. and if not any other suggestions to reduce my car insurance? PS i have AAA and am going to be under my parents insurance

Car insurance Premium?

(I have only had car insurance for about 6 months, so I am still pretty new to this). My question was that my 6 month renewal policy states that my premium is $728.86; however, when I first got with this company, I paid around $368 down because I am in that age bracket where they stereotype you as a bad driver. Will I have to pay the $368 again along with monthly payments of $66.60? Or will I just continue to pay my monthly payment as it is?""

How to insure my car if I go to live in France?

I'm moving to France soon and I would like to keep my english car. Insurance companies are asking for the bonus-malus and I don't know the equivalent in english...so they can't tell me how much it would be...Does anybody had to insure their car in France? What do I need to do? thanks xxxx

I need help finding the right health insurance?

I am 21 years old female I'm married no kids. I am having problems with my knees I can not walk without pain or swelling involved on virus knees, because of this pain I have not ...show more""

Auto accident in Texas insurance policy?

I was in a car accident today. It was the other driver's fault she admitted to the police that she was doing 60+ on a 40, she slammed her brakes but she couldn't stop so she rear ended me and made me hit the car in front of me, anyways the car I hit was scratch less (go figure) but my cars rear and front bumper will need replacement her car was almost totaled. I have liability insurance (96 honda) and she has Full-cover I would just like to know what's going to happen now? I have never being in a car accident before Will my insurance go up (I'm 19)?? will her insurance pay my damages??""

What would my car insurance be?

i am a boy about to turn 16 and i wanted a nice car i really want a standard sports car. any ideas on how much i would have to pay a month?

""Insurance question about DUI (2 different insurance companies). Underwriters, chime in!?""

I received a 1st time DUI roughly 1 year ago. I am covered by one insurance company, and my wife is covered by another company on her car. I know my insurance will not be renewed or rates will increase at some point, but what about hers??? I am NOT listed as an insured driver on her policy, but I am noted as a licensed driver in the household for her car... Will her insurance be effected?? It seems like they are not sure what will happen with her insurance and that it would be left up to the underwriters... Any input would be helpful... Thankyou.""

Does anyone now what the insurance rates would be for a 2002 eclipse GT?

Not the exact insurance rates, obviously that varies from person to person situation to situation but would it be cheap? Expensive if you could compare it to another cars insurance rates?? Any insight is welcome thank you""

Question about Plan First health insurance in Michigan. Backpay?

I just had a papsmear done about two weeks ago, and I didn't get approved for my Plan First insurance until afterwards. Does anyone know if they provide a backpay program, like they'll cover any procedure done in the last 30-60 days? Also have lab tests from that papsmear that I just got the bill for and have not paid yet. Is that covered? Thanks!""

What's the best dental insurance for me to get?

I have pre-existing damage (deep cavities, exposed enamel). I live in garland, Tx 75040. Pretty much im looking for dental insurance that covers pre-existing damage""

How much you pay for car insurance if your in early 20's?

I'm a 21 year old college student. Im going on to my junior year and have just gotten a car. I have always gotten a ride with my friends. I got a quote from Farmers Insurance for $2600 for 6 months full coverage is that normal?

""Why is it that if your pregnant, you can't get health insurance?""

I currently have Kaiser with my fathers business(I work for him). However, he is thinking of canceling the insurance. I found out 2 days ago that I am pregnant, my father still does not know, and I know he will be happy for me, and maybe will not cancel the insurance for me. However, why is it that if your pregnant you can't get insurance? How about if i still want to stick with Kaiser, but have it on my name only? Oh I live in Southern California cause I know sometimes people ask that.""

Cheap car insurance I mean cheap?

Just passed my test and found insurance is massive, I need some kinda voucher or something to get to insure my car. Any ideas. UK ONLY""

Can there be two different auto insurances on the same car?

Im a new driver, im 17 and im in the state of illinois. I dont have a license yet, just a permit. My parents only have one car and i cannot afford my own at this time. My parents have allstate and their rates are too high for me. So i contacted another insurance agency and their rates for liability were lower. So, can one car be insured with two different insurances?""

Cheapest Car Insurance (UK) For 17 year old (guy) who just passed test?

Hi, What are the best insurance companies to go to for cheap car insurance for a just passed 17 year old guy? Ive tried go compare and compare the market, but their cheapest quotes were 3700 a year! Are there any good Insurers who arn't on comparison websites, I heard some offer you discounts if you go to them direct. Thanks!""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

I am an eighteen year old and i need to get cheap car insurance on a 1999 grandam

Car insurance for a new driver.?

How much money would car insurance be for a 16-year old teenage boy? My birthday falls weird so i get my lisence when im sophmore.

""Motorcycle Accident, i have no insurance, can i sue?""

I was driving home from work, on my motorcycle, i dont have a moto license or insurance (i do have a regular license) this dude runs a red light and i end up crashing into him, breaking my left femur and fracturing my left arm. i still have a case right?""

""Mustang Insurance, Help!!!?""

Hello, I have a quick question about insurance. I am 18 years old, living in Orange, CA and currently driving a 2003 nissan altima that I am going to trade for a 2002 ford mustang gt. Now i know that contacting an agent will be the best way to find out more realistic rates, but right now I want to hear from past mustang owners. I was also wondering if having good credit will give me a discount on my insurance? I know insurance will be high, so don't waste my time explaining it to me, If it helps, I always obey the speed limit, never gotten into any crashes nor have I gotten any tickets. All Help is appreciated, thanks.""

How good is USAA auto insurance?

Cheapest women car insurance on a provisional?

im 23. got my own car, white, k reg, clio, automatic (1993) im only on a provisional license an ive found so far that my quotes r not very good. my highest as been 2027.57 an my lowest is 678.98 will i get anything lower. i know its cos of my age an cos im the main driver but if any women or men know any insurance companys that ave good lower prices then help me out thanks u never know wot ur get in return lol""

""I cheated my husband he knows but still wants to keep me and the marriage,but dont love him anymore,what i do?""

i'm still staying with him he change to make me happy i gave him a chance i have 2 kids for their sake i stayed but still i'n not happy i rather have to divorce him i know i will have a peace of mine i want to do something that makes me happy he's a boring guy i just did'nt ralized that b4 coz i'm bc taking care of my 2 kids but now they're teenagers i suddenly realized how boring my life is,i'm 44 yrs old and i knoe i still can find better life ahead of me with the right person with me so i need help outthere if i really have to sacrifice ny happiness for the sake of my marriage and for the my kids? my husband is not really a good provider we both have financial problem he had his money i have my own,i dont have a name on his bank account either his on mine he paid all the bills,i paid the daycare and the clothes for me and the kids,the sch. lunch for 1 kid him the other kid,i paid the car insurance which it's not my name but since i'm the one using it.so pls. help what shall i do?""

I need car insurance! Someone help!!?

I need insurance just on me, I live in Florida, 23 man & only wanna cover myself not car or anything else.. I want the cheapest insurance!! What company would be the cheapest!! Hint never been in a crash or ticketed""

How much is insurance for a 2005 V6 mustang for a 49 year old women?

My mom wants a mustang for her birthday just to drive back in forth to work. What will the insurence cost for her

How to get cheap insurance and get covered fast?! help:(?

i need to see a gyno asap and i need to get cheap insurance. what should i do? im 19 years old and dont have a job. and live in california.

Is there cheap car insurance for parents that have kids with disablities?

What is the best and cheapest company for motorcycle insurance?

I am a rider with 10 years of driving experience but my license lapsed and I was forced to start over as a new driver (M1 graduated liecense). I'm married, in my 30's, I drive a 1999 Yamaha YZF R-6 and have never made any claims.""

Pregnant and no insurance....HELP!!!!!!!!!!?

I dont have insurance and I am 4 months pregnant. I reside in NC and I cant get medicaid because I havent been a legal resident for at least 5 yrs. I have been looking online and many health plans dont accept or cover a women when she is already pregnant. I feel like being a single mother because the father of the baby didnt want me to keep the baby because is not in a financially stable situation now and he had already 4 kids from a previous marriage and relationship so he said that I had to live with my decision on my own basically. He told me that because we are not married I cant use his health insurance! Like I said I am telling myself that I am all alone on this and I am desperate. Costs of delivery can be extremely expensive and of course I cant afford them. I need help please! I went to see the office of social services here in charlotte and they told me that I cant because i havent been a resident for 5 yrs at least!!!! About the father: he is an a**hole!!!!!!

Why did my insurance go up for switching cars?

I have liability insurance in the state of California. The company is multi state. Recently I switched the vehicle I have on the policy from a 2005 pontiac GTO to a 1995 lincoln town car. I am wondering why my monthly actually went up, vs going down. When I spoke with a representative they explained to me that the GTO is a level 21 and the town car is a level 26 . Was this true? I hardly understand how a 1995 4 door sedan is more costly than a 2005 400hp 2 door. I have had no accidents or tickets hit my record, in all, it only went up $15, but I'm still at a loss about why it went up. Thanks.""

Average medical cost of baby first year?

We have a $600 deductable with an 80/20 co-pay for our health insurance. Supposing the baby gets sick one time in the first year & goes to regular checkups, what would the medical expenses be? How much is birth at a hospital with an epidural & 2 day stay? Of course, this is all assuming we have a healthy baby.""

""Is there a type of independant health insurance that is cheap, or semi cheap? And that is not a fraud?

I am a student and Im poor!

Broad estimate how much do people think motorcycle insurance would be for a 16 year old?

I live in California

""How much does Motorcycle Insurance cost in Ontario, Canada or in your area?""

Hi, I'm planning to get either a Motorcycle License or a Private Aircraft License. I know for a fact that the minimum cost of a Private Aircraft License is around $10,000 CND for ground school, 40 hours in an airplane and your examination. From then on its around $120 CND for an hour in a Cessna. My question is, How much is a Motorcycle insurance? I heard its a lot and that is the reason why i'm choosing between these two licenses. - I am 16 (17 in December) - Grade 11 (86% avg) - Toronto, ONtario - I have my g1 and so far no tickets or accidents -Planning to get either a 2008 Ninja 250R or Honda CBR125R Thanks So how much will insurance will cost me?""

Insurance would cost for 21 male?

how much would it cost me if i get liability not full coverage ... i havnt bought a car as yet but im thinking of buying 95 accord 4 dr or 96 maxima ... just curious to know what my insurance would be...

How much does it cost to add an additional insured to car insurance?

A ball park figure is fine.

I need some Insurance Help?

My father, just yesterday tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrist, luckily he had called the cops, but he also had to take an ambulance ride and another ambulance ride to the county hospital where he will be held for 72 hours. He does not have insurance due to his work laying him off, and him not being able to afford it. Is there any kind of insurance that will cover this kind stuff. He has been suffering from depression and high blood pressure for quite sometime, so I don't know if those are pre existing things that would stop insurance...but him and my mother cant afford this at all right now. They live in southern california, if anyone knows of some kind of insurance, please please respond!""

""If I am 27 and single, do I need to be paying for life insurance?

I have been paying for life insurance for a few years now and I am convinced that I shouldn't be. I do not have any children or plan on any in the next few years. My father says it is so I am locked into a premium. Does that really matter?

Do I have to pay more for my car insurance?

I purchased a car with a car loan and I had to get full coverage insurance. I pay monthly and I have to do this for 6 months. The sixth month will be on May. I just paid off my car loan so I no longer want to pay extra money for full coverage. I had to pay a down payment for my insurance so my monthly payments would be cheaper. My question is do I have to pay another down payment if I switch to the liability coverage? Do I have to pay those last two months in order to switch to a liability coverage? I live in California.

Car insurance queries?

A good friend of mine had an accident in another friends car. It was his fault but his insurance company have said his insurance does not cover him as the vehicle he was driving is classed as a car derived van. The insurance company state that the policy only covers third party cover for other motor cars and claim a car derived van is a commercial vehicle. Even though its not used as a commerical vehicle, The vehicle in question is a Peugeot partner 600 and its v5 doc claims calls it a car derived van and it falls in the PLG class. Is this right what the insurance company are saying ?""

Can I add my girlfriend to my life insurance?

Auto insurance for a 16 year old female?

*im adding some details i forgot to add last time, sorry for the question repost I was trying to do the online quote thing but i cant because its asks for a phone in order to generate the rates , and im most certainly not about to give them my phone number. No way jose.thats why im asking. -Im a 16 year old female -Dont have a license (yet) -im single -I would be driving a 2001 kia... i think sephia? Idk but it looks like a very basic car. -I have good grades -i have never gotten tickets or DUIS -I live arizona -I would only be driving to school which is approx. Seven minutes away fron where i live -I would only also be driving to work which is about 15 min away -I work part time So do any of u have an estimate??? Also please dont comment something irrelevant or pointless""

Haotian vixen 125-8 motorcycle insurance?

I have recently purchased a haotian vixen 125-8 motorbike to learn on. i will soon be doing my CBT. I understand that it is an imported bike but i cannot seem to find any insurance companies that know of the make, what can i do ?""

Is my auto insurance valid after curfew?

If my 16 year old gets in an acident after 11 pm, curfew, is my auto insurance policy still in effect?""

Do life insurance companies check your medical records after you die?

Let's say that you get life insurance and claim to be a non-smoker. Then let's say that you start smoking or resume smoking. Assuming that your medical records show that you ...show more

What should 17year olds be paying for?

What should a 17yr old, still in full time school be paying for if they earn 130 ($260) a month and pay 50 ($100) a month towards car insurance. Should things like a normal haircut be paid for by parents etc? Just wondering about your opinions!""

How good is USAA auto insurance?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/who-best-insurance-companies-young-drivers-rosetta-mcclure"

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

Can I forgive the man who raped me?

Thordis Elva was raped aged 16. Years later, she emailed Tom Stranger, the man who raped her, beginning a raw, painful healing process documented in their book South of Forgiveness. In this extract, they meet to find a way forward

Thordis Elvais from Iceland and known to Icelandersas a writer, playwright, journalist and public speaker. She was voted Woman of the Year 2015 by the Federation of Icelandic Womens Societies in Reykjavik for her work on gender equality, and has written a celebrated book on gender-based violence, 2009s mannamli (The Plain Truth). She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her partner Vidir and their son.

Tom Stranger is Australian. He met Elva when he was 18 and on a student exchange programme in Iceland, and the pair had a relationship. Since then, he has worked in various sectors (community services, youth, outdoor recreation, charity, construction, and hospitality). For now, he is working as a landscape gardener and lives in Sydney with his wife, Cat.

From: [email protected] Sent: Saturday 21 May 2005, 5.38am To: [email protected] Subject: Words for you Thordis, I dont know where to start. When I saw your name in my inbox, my spine went cold. My memories are still as clear as day. Please believe me when I say I have not forgotten what I did, and how wary I have to be of myself. I dont know how to reply. I want to call myself sick (but I know I am not), I want to say that you are so strong, so strong to be able to write to me and recall the events and my actions. I want to thank you for not hating me, although Id like you to. It would make it easier for me. Without looking for a scratch of sympathy, I want to tell you that the events and emotions I was party to in Iceland have replayed in my head many times, usually when I am by myself for any length of time. They flash past me, vividly accurate, and then, shortly after the denial and positive character reinforcement, comes the question: Who am I? It is a dark part of my memory. Ive tried to suppress it. But this is not about me. Whatever I can do or offer you, I am more than willing. The question is where to go from here. You tell me. Tom.

*****

After eight years of analysing the violent past and its consequences in a written correspondence, Thordis and Tom decide to meet up in the middle, between their home countries of Iceland and Australia, looking to face their past once and for all.

Day one, 27 March 2013

The taxi picks me up at a quarter to five and takes me to the bus station, where Im booked on the fly-bus. The grizzled taxi driver, hoisting my suitcase into the trunk with a smooth manoeuvre, asks me where Im going.

To South Africa.

Oh, really? To Johannesburg?

No, to Cape Town, I reply, still in disbelief at my own words despite the time Ive had to adjust to the idea. It would be an understatement to say that the proposed meeting has been on my mind. Its reverberated in every step when Ive gone out for a run; its been in every breath of cold winter air that scraped the insides of my lungs; its soaked the wet washcloth I used to clean my sons sticky fingers. And Ive tried my best to push it out of my mind when making love to my fiance, enjoying his warm skin against mine.

After all, that would be a highly inappropriate time to be thinking about it.

From the moment the destination was set, I adapted to a new calendar before or after Cape Town. The last time I bought deodorant I automatically deduced that I wouldnt have to buy another one until after Cape Town. Yesterday, when snuggling down with my three-year-old son to do some painting together, spending quality time with him BC momentarily appeased my guilt for leaving him for 10 days to travel halfway across the globe to face a man from the past without any guarantee of the outcome.

Something tells me that parents of young children are not meant to take such foolhardy decisions. Thats the reason I gave up my dreams of parachuting when I fell pregnant with my son. Then again, throwing myself out of an aeroplane at 7,000 feet carries less emotional risk than taking a trip down memory lane with the man who turned my existence upside down. Because it wasnt an unknown lunatic who tore my life apart all those years ago. Who turned down the offer of medical help for me, even though I was barely conscious and vomiting convulsively. Who decided instead to rape me for two endless hours.

It was my first love.

My mothers eyes flew wide open when I told her that I was travelling alone to South Africa to meet up with the man who raped me when I was 16. She strung together a series of hair-raising worst-case scenarios before letting out a sigh, looking at me with loving reluctance, and adding: But I know its pointless to try to talk you out of things youve set your mind to, dear. Shortly thereafter, my dad interrupted my packing when he dropped by for a coffee. Despite my attempt to break the news to him in the gentlest manner possible, it didnt prevent him from freaking out. He lectured me in a thundering voice about how I was jeopardising my life for an utterly ridiculous idea.

But I have to finish this chapter of my life, I said softly. My cheeks were on fire.

Finish this chapter? he repeated, appalled, and jumped out of his chair. You dont need to travel across the globe to finish anything! This whole idea is a big pretentious drama, thats what it is!

His words hit me right where it hurts.

Youll have no control over anything. Nothing but your thoughts! Nothing else!

What do you mean? I asked, confused. Ill obviously control my actions and whereabouts.

No you wont, dear, he hissed. You cant always. If you could, then that wouldnt have happened.

We both knew what he meant by that, even though weve never talked about the incident that changed everything. In recent years, Ive spoken widely and publicly about my status as a rape survivor (though, until now, never identified the man who raped me) yet my father and I have never discussed that fateful night. He has never asked and Ive always assumed he doesnt want to know.

I sat up straight, aware of my glowing cheeks. If you reduce me to victim and him to perpetrator, I can see how this seems incomprehensible to you. But were much more than that, Dad.

He scoffed loudly before storming out of the kitchen.

I leant against the wall and let the air out of my lungs slowly. Goddamn it. I knew this would be hard, but bloody hell.

My father appeared again in the doorway, pacing up and down with frustration I knew was fuelled by fatherly love. How can you be sure youll finish anything with this nonsense? This may just as easily be the start of something else entirely! The distress in his voice made it sound like a threat.

I sat alone in the silence my father left behind and watched the dust settle. In a way, I think were both right. This trip will surely mark an end to a certain chapter of my life. What sets me apart from my father is my belief that in the next chapter, I wont be the victim any more.

Day two, 28 March 2013

The screen in the seatback in front of me shows a blinking plane over a map. According to the timer, Cape Town is just 29 minutes away. The butterflies in my stomach nose-dive, as the time seems way too limited considering how many questions are left unanswered.

Goddamn it, what if I cant forgive him? Am I ready to let go?

Frustrated, I scroll through the folder on my laptop, searching for something to calm my nerves. I was level-headed enough when I suggested this trip, wasnt I? In an attempt to recover my faith in this risky undertaking, I read through my own proposal:

You may need a lifetime to forgive yourself for what you did to me. That is up to you and you take however long you need, independent of anyone else. I, however, am climbing a different mountain. And I am getting very close to the top. I propose that in six months time, we meet up with the intention of reaching forgiveness, once and for all. In person. It is the only proper way for me to do it, I feel. No letter can ever compare with face-to-face communication. And after all weve been through, I think it is the most dignified and honest way to finish this chapter of our story.

I sound so calm, so fucking reasonable. How is it possible that this was written by the same person now hyperventilating in a plane 30,000ft over South Africa, full of nerve-racking doubt?

Reading through his reply, Im somewhat comforted that he, too, felt conflicted:

Ill admit that I was floored by your request to meet up. Fearful, anxious, cautious, paranoid. You name it, it all came swarming in. But youve asked, and you sound like you are making vital ground towards something very special for yourself. So of course Ill agree to see you. After much thought I do think it will be beneficial, and an opportunity for myself to air face-to-face some long held words and for us both to look to close some doors. I want it for you, Thordis, as you seem strong, open and ready to see me and move forward. I want it for me because Im so very sick of being sick and seeing myself as unlovable, and believe I can move on if I could just look you in the face, own up to it and say Im sorry.

Forgiveness is the only way, I tell myself, because whether or not he deserves my forgiveness, I deserve peace. Because Im doing this for me. My forgiveness is white-hot from the whetstone, and its purpose is to sever the ties, because if I can let this go, once and for all, Im certain that my overall wellbeing will benefit greatly. Self-preservation at its best.

Day four, 30 March 2013

Its seven oclock when we buy ourselves a drink at the hotel bar and sit down by a table facing the garden, readying ourselves for the hard talk. The windowpane clatters loudly, and an endless stream of staff crossing the room distracts me to the point where I give up. What do you say about us finishing this conversation in my room?

He looks at me, shocked. Are you sure? Youre comfortable with that?

Im sure that itll be easier to have this talk if we get proper privacy. Its tough enough as it is.

Tom radiates ever-increasing anxiety as the elevator climbs closer to the 12th floor. Unlike him, my emotions have calmed down.

Almost serene, I step out of the elevator. Theres no turning back now.

He buries his hands in his pockets as I fish my key out of my bag in front of my hotel room. Putting my hand on the doorknob, it morphs into the white plastic door-handle with the keyhole that haunts my dreams. Within me, everything falls silent. Ready? I ask myself.

Without hesitation, I turn the key.

Tom follows me inside my room, takes a look around and smiles nervously. Not bad.

Sit wherever you like. Im going to make some tea.

Thordiss student ID from around the time she met Tom. Photograph: Courtesy of Thordis Elva

He sits down on the edge of the bed while I busy myself with the kettle. From the corner of my eye, I notice him closing his eyes and straightening his back, as if hes steeling himself. When the boiling water hits the teabag at the bottom of the cup, Tom begins the story in a hoarse voice. I wore my golden shirt that evening. I didnt know it was customary to get dressed up for a dance in Iceland, and I didnt have anything fancy. The son of my host family took me to an exclusive store and helped me choose the shirt. I thought it was the peak of cool, at the time. The striped trousers were a present from my host sister.

He accepts the steaming teacup from my hand and stares into it for a moment before continuing. I remember how excited I was when I bought the ticket. I remember that I was with my friends Carlos and Ben when we met you outside the dance. You were pretty drunk when you arrived.

It was the first time Id ever tasted rum, I tell him. I didnt know how to drink alcohol. Nor did I know how to smoke, even though I took a drag from the rolled cigarette you handed me. I just wanted to impress you. And after the ensuing wild cough, I wondered if perhaps that wasnt a cigarette, I remind myself.

I lost you the minute we stepped inside, Tom continues. Carlos and I went straight to the dancefloor. I remember feeling happy and carefree in that sweaty pile of people. Then someone told me you werent well, you were in the ladies.

My mind replays the awful scene from the bathroom stall. The stains on my new dress. My hair wet from hugging the toilet. My fear and wonder as one spasm after the other wrung my body out like a dishrag. The repeated promises that Id neither drink nor smoke again if I were only allowed to survive this night. And finally, the desperate wish for my mom to come save me. I fucked up, Mom. Im sorry.

Tom frowns. I felt it was my duty to go and check on you. So I went in and climbed over the partition, into your cubicle. I held your hair back while you vomited, and I thought I was going to be sick as well. Then you flopped to the ground and lay there, motionless. I remember carrying you out.

He pauses and looks away. Before I have a chance to tell him how grateful I was when he appeared like my mother incarnate to save me from an untimely death on the bathroom floor, he grimaces bitterly. Then I couldnt be bothered to look after you, Thordis. I dumped you on Ben and left you with him. You were slumped on the chairs outside the bathrooms and he stood there, stooped over you, as I went back to the dancefloor.

I look at him in surprise. I thought youd taken me straight home.

He clenches his jaw. My only thought was that this was the only Christmas dance I was going to experience in Iceland. I was selfish and didnt have any concern for you. In the end, I felt guilty that some other guy was looking after my girlfriend. So I scooped you up in my arms and carried you up the stairs, in a foul mood because I had to leave the party.

And the security guards stopped you on the way out because they wanted to call an ambulance for me as I was dangling from your arms, foaming at the mouth. They thought I had alcohol poisoning.

Id forgotten that moment but I dont doubt it, he says in a low voice.

Tom Stranger in 1996, the year he went to Iceland. Photograph: Courtesy of Tom Stranger

I remember that part vividly because for a second there, I thought youd take their advice, I respond, looking down into my cup. That Mom and Dad would get a call from the hospital saying that their 16-year-old daughter was lying there with alcohol poisoning. I imagined being grounded for life.

Id known for three years by then what it is to drink to excess, and Id seen many of my friends at various stages of drunkenness. I just thought you were wasted. I didnt think you were in real danger, he says.

Whatever it was, it had me paralysed and unable to speak. But I heard you loud and clear as you refused the offer of an ambulance, telling the security guards that you knew me and would see me safely home.

He nods, his complexion strangely pale. The taxi was white, I recall. I told the driver your address I remember letting us into your house. But what I dont remember is what I did with you while I struggled to unlock the door.

You draped me across your shoulder while you rummaged round in my bag for the keys.

He raises his eyebrows. Really? Like a sack of potatoes?

I nod.

He swears at himself quietly. And I remember your entrance hall, the shoes on the floor. From memory, past the coat hooks there were some stairs on the left, leading up to the kitchen and your parents area. Your room was through on the right. He stops and swallows.

I remember taking your clothes off.

I remember it too. My gratitude when he removed my vomit-stained dress. My relief at having my feet freed from the high heels. My frustration for not being able to utter a word of thanks. My lack of understanding when he continued to remove my underwear. Why my panties? Why?

My stomach muscles reflexively tighten as I prepare for the blow.

He stands up, moving restlessly, and walks over to the wall opposite the bed. I undressed you completely… He falls silent and hangs his head. The wind howls pitifully outside the window.

Tom begins to cry.

I wish I could tell you why I did it, Thordis.

Did what?

Raped you, he says, quietly.

This is an edited extract from South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (Scribe Publications, 12.99). To order a copy for 11.04 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger will be speaking at the Royal Festival Hall as part of the Women of the World festival on 11 March, and at the Bristol Festival of Ideas on 13 March

People were quick to judge I wasnt angry enough: what came next for Thordis and Tom

Standing in stark stage lights, with five cameras directed at me, I recently found myself on a stage, telling an audience of 1,200 how Id been raped when I was 16 years old. Next to me on stage was Tom, who raped me after a dance at our high school. Together, we gave a TED talk that summarised a 20-year long process, whereby Tom shouldered responsibility for his actions and the way they impacted our lives. It was viewed nearly 2m times in the first week and the overwhelming reaction was positive and supportive.

In the talk, I described the violence Tom subjected me to, how I spent years wanting nothing more than to hurt him back, how I found a way to part with the anger that nearly cost me my life, as well as rid myself of blame that I like so many other survivors wrongfully shouldered.

Tom described how he felt deserving of my body that night, without any concern for me, and consequently convinced himself that what he did was sex and not rape. The following nine years were marked by denial, in which he did his best to outrun the past, until I confronted him in a pivotal email that changed our lives for ever.

Ive been asked why I didnt press charges immediately, and the simple answer to that question is that I was a 16-year-old girl with naive notions about rape. Rapes were committed by armed lunatics, the kind of sensationalised monsters you saw on TV and read about in the papers. The fact that Tom wasnt a monster, but a person who made an awful decision, made it harder for me to see his crime for what it was. That way, the demonisation of perpetrators in mainstream media got in the way of my recovery. By the time I was able to identify what had happened to me as rape, Tom had moved to the other side of the planet, far from the jurisdiction of the Icelandic police. At the time, 70% of rape cases in Iceland were dismissed, even when the perpetrator could be interrogated and the survivor had documented injuries, neither of which were the case for me. Therefore, pressing charges would not have been a fruitful process, and the only option I felt I had left was to bottle up my pain and anger. Studies show that very few survivors have a clean-cut story in which they went straight to the authorities after being assaulted, put the blame squarely on the perpetrators shoulders, healed their wounds and moved on. For most of us, life after violence is a messy ordeal. We dont go to the police because were too confused, scared or doubtful that well get help. We blame ourselves and obsess about things we couldve done differently. We numb ourselves with alcohol/drugs/sex/food/work, or we turn to self-harm to relieve the emotional pain. We continue to see our abusers and pretend that nothing happened, because facing the truth is overwhelming. We develop PTSD and mental illness. We stay silent about what happened out of fear that well not be believed, or worse, blamed for it because we did something wrong. No wonder, really. In reality, the only people capable of preventing rapes are those who commit them, and yet were told from an early age that we can avoid being raped by dressing and behaving in a certain way. This culture of victim-blaming also fosters the idea that there is a right way to react to violence. Had the survivor only worn something else, not smiled so widely, not gotten drunk, fought back (more), screamed (louder), gone straight to the police, not feared their attackers retaliation if theyd only done that, everything wouldve worked out differently. Victim-blaming deepens the shame that many survivors feel and lessens the likelihood that they speak up about their experiences.

youtube

Watch Thordis Elva and Tom Strangers TED talk.

The reality is that there is no right reaction to having your life ripped apart by violence. I knew that my collaboration with Tom would be controversial, and the reactions of internet trolls didnt surprise me. But I am concerned with how quick some people were to judge the wrong way in which I worked through my experience. I wasnt angry enough, I shouldve pressed charges, I was setting a dangerous precedent, I should be ashamed. Although I made it clear that my forgiveness wasnt for my perpetrator but for myself and that without it, I wouldnt be alive, I was still told that I should not have forgiven.

This worries me. I worry about my fellow survivors who are at risk of internalising the misconception that there is a standard reaction to sexual violence, with the conclusion that they didnt react in the right way. To you, I want to say that you did nothing wrong. The way in which you carried on with your life may not have been clean-cut, it may have been messy and incomprehensible to those who dont share your experience, but it was your way to survive a trauma. Nobody has the right to tell you how to handle your deepest pain.

And as the title of our story South of Forgiveness suggests, forgiveness played a pivotal role in allowing me to let go of the self-blame I shouldered, largely due to the victim-blaming culture I grew up in. And yet, forgiveness is not the core of our story, in my mind. The core issue is responsibility.

I understand those who feel discomfort and even outrage when hearing and seeing Tom on stage, knowing that hes perpetrated sexual violence. At the same time, given how prevalent this type of abuse is and how under-reported a crime it is, were in all likelihood seeing and hearing from perpetrators on a daily basis the main difference being that we dont know theyre perpetrators. They could be the people we went to school with, who greet us at the grocery store, who direct the films we watch, get elected to public office, run entire countries and live right next door. Given the low reporting and conviction rate, most of them will never have to take responsibility for their actions in an institutional sense. This does not lessen the gravity of their deeds.

By the time Tom had confessed to his crime, he couldnt have done time for it even if he wanted to, as the statute of limitations had passed. As a result, our case fell through the cracks of the legal system, like so many others, but it didnt lessen our need to analyse our past and place the responsibility with the person to whom it belonged: Tom. We also did our best to answer questions that are rarely posed in the public discourse about rape, where more focus seems to be on the survivors attire, behaviour, whereabouts and sexual history than the perpetrators culpability. And as frustrating as it is, I understand it to a certain extent. Because in the public discourse, the only people speaking about the violence theyve been party to are the survivors, usually. Which is why we only have their stories to dissect, their details to scrutinise. Did she say shed been drinking that night? This tradition of one-sided scrutiny blindsides us from looking at the behaviour of the person responsible, the perpetrator, to whom the focus needs to shift.

I am not sharing the story of how I processed the abuse I endured as a set of recommendations for others.

My story is a unique account shared in the hope that it can aid a public discussion about sexual violence.

As a society, it is our duty to fight against violence. And as individuals, we have a right to heal from it.