#its rly fucked up how i quickly learned to see my natural face as “ugly” and ppl around me learned how to see it and think im tired

[johnwatersvhs]

learning by force what wearing makeup does to your self esteem.

[jaewvns-blog]

im spitting and screaming into the mf VOID!!! i cannot believe im out here .. rly out here thrivin and ready to give u all my one Love my one life my jb Voice one Heart . my name is bella n you can call me That Bitch for short, i reside in the pst, & im ready to truly do the most w my extra son jae honestly ? kick me out already. im bout to activity check my own ass! no but really i’m so excited and so ? sorry for the shit im about to stir so hold on tight for the wild mcfucking ride and smash that read more

[ MUSE J ] is that PARK JIMIN? since when was he a class of 2017 penn state graduate? oh, wait, nevermind, it’s just JAEWON “JAE” JEE. he’s TWENTY ONE years old, majored in PSYCHOLOGY, and SAYS HE WANTS DONTTRUSTME BY 3OH!3 PLAYED ON A LOOP AT HIS FUNERAL. he’s a bit RECALCITRANT and STOIC, but also very CONCILIATORY and ADROIT. i heard he’s off to a villa in maui with a group of his friends, but as the resident REVELER, who knows how far he’ll go until his friend vacation turns into total island madness? (cis male, bisexual)

jae was always born from a different breed?? thats so lame to say but its so real bc he was nothing like his family . given that he was an only child, his parents directed a lot of attention and time toward him to give him not only a fulfilling childhood but also live vigorously through him which could get so ugly sometimes. they were, as they would put it, “going to be damned if he wasn’t successful in something.”

he was an introverted kid, so they were always forcing him to be social and forcing him into tons of different sports and performing arts in hopes that he would find his knack. jae was young, but he wasn’t stupid and he knew that their intentions weren’t entirely to make him happy but rather make them feel like fulfilled parents. but luckily, throughout all of this, he ended up finding his passion on his own while waiting for his violin lesson. he could hear from outside a room an adult during their own piano lesson and he was so enthralled and enchanted by the sound of the music that he was like yo what the FUCK!!!!

so, in a very jee family way, they immediately put him into lessons and jae fucking fell in love with it. he was so passionate about it that he would eat sleep and shit fuckin piano it was all he wanted to do ever. and honestly ?? the more he matured the better he became. he was a born natural and it was something that made him genuinely happy, something that he wanted to pursue professionally on his own. he knew that by the age of 12

but by the age of 18 that was all ruined

filling in that time gap, things got progressively more difficult for jae. he ( in attempts to make his parents happier ) let them guide his line of sight towards particular majors that he could take up. his parents saw education as a better opportunity for success than a professional piano player did. it was incredibly ironic considering they had so willingly tossed him into the lessons in the first place, but jae had learned from a very young age that his parents were walking contradictions. they would knock him down, making comparisons to the two on whether or not he wanted to be “a lowlife playing piano in old restaurants” or “be unbelievably successful within a realistic career.” it was cold, but jae was used to it. he had to accept those words in order to stay in lessons so he kept his mouth shut for years.

however, pressure between his parents and peers was something always cracking away at him. as he grew up, his talent growing with him, he wasn’t as introverted anymore and instead cocky. he knew he was good and he knew he was attractive because of he thrived off the attention. 

his father died of cancer when he was 16 which was a cruel reality check. it reminded him that everything is temporary and only lit an fire under his mothers ass to be mean as fuck. she threatened to take away his piano lessons if he didn’t become more serious about schooling because she felt he owed it to his father. so, reluctantly, he accepted his fate and did exactly that. it was around that time that jae started forcing himself to show more interest in school ( i.e. he stopped ditching classes, put forth more effort into his grades, etc ). despite how reluctant he always was to actually attend school and willingly advance, once he actually tried, his grades were impeccable. so impeccable, in fact, that high-end colleges started to take notice of him for not only his schooling but his capabilities on the piano as well.

not only was he cocky, he was getting noticed and it was was infuriating. things didn’t really heat up until the end of his senior year when he aced his audition for juilliard and quickly became the schools golden senior. sure, it infuriated a lot of his classmates out of spite and jealousy, but it didn’t piss anyone off more than it did for a kid named andrew . he HATED jae with a burning passion . he was jealous, he was racist, and he was evil. it didn’t faze jae until one night in particular that andrew and his gang of white devils figured out his schedule after following him around and cornered him

in summary, they beat the fucking shit out of him. he tried to put up a fight of course, but he was out numbered. they broke one of his ribs, bruised him up, but more importantly they took a baseball bat to his hand. multiple times. they destroyed it, and it was the beginning of the end

after being hospitalized, he found out he had to get surgery in his right hand which required a metal rod that replaced a bone entirely because of how shattered it was . it would have been fine, of course, if it didn’t throw piano out the window for him, which obviously, it did. the break in his hand was life changing because it’s a battle he still has to face even years later. about two years after he received the initial surgery, he had to get another one to fuse the arthritis that set in. 

he was fucking miserable and was forced to relive the thought every day in rehab, every painkiller he took, and every moment he spent in his room. at only the age of 18, he was mortified, heartbroken and angry. the reminder was too much to bare, making him sometime later take a baseball bat, ironically, to the piano which rested in the corner of his room. his mother tried to seek him help, the rehab center for his hand tried to sick therapists on him, but he never wanted to talk about it. he became cold and resigned and it changed who he was entirely

eventually, his mother gave up and their relationship went stale entirely. however, it wasn’t much of a loss for jae because he didn’t see much of a relationship between them in the first place. after a summer spent in recovery, he became an incredibly cold and resigned person for about a year and a half. it changed his personality and impacted a lot of his relationships negatively. when he was accepted into penn state, he remained pretty aloof from his classmates, lowkey gaining a reputation among his peers that obviously wasn’t that great. he was a heartbreaker and an asshole, and it wasn’t until he met muses c & k that he began to change as a human being. they were just overall really detrimental in bringing out the normal, functioning and kind human being that was in jaewon originally.

now, he’s honestly??? SO FUNNY SDLFJ like hes such a witty smart ass n he’s just so beautiful and always looking for a thrill and a party in everything he does. this trip is a positive thing for him because it’s giving him an opportunity to be with some of his closest friends and really grow and give him an excuse to be free-spirited. sometimes he .. wylin a little too hard but he means well and he’s just my son Okay

I RLY DID TRY AND MAKE THIS SHORTER HELPPEP im so embarassed but um ... if u actually read all of that ? a saint and if u don’t just tell me and ill try my best to sum it up w/o crytyping but ummmm m im a slut for plots so plot w me before i drop dead n ??? delete me blog