#its not even cringe asmr i promise

[ficsonpost-its]

guys totally unrelated to the fact i'm working slowly through some arcane headcanons rn but anyone starved for jinx content should look up wholesome girlfriend asmr's jinx playlist on youtube

[youdontknowwheretogofromhere]

Monday, October 14, 2024 6:42 pm

hey, how are you doing? hope you’re alright. i feel like complaining. can i complain?

so like, i know i talk about my boyfriend a lot. but like i feel weird. so super weird. so like i like him a lot. like he makes me happy and feel nice and shit. and this is a little bit personal and i don’t even really want to talk about it but why not right?

so like I’m really insecure, right? and i’ve been working on it, i promise. like my chest would be tight for like 3 days and 3 nights and i’d freak out about it and stuff. now I’m just like “yeah i guess i’ve ruined everything and it’s all my fault and this is why i can never have anything good but i can’t be bothered. how much can i really care?” so like it’s okay i guess. anyways my point is my bf is like horny all the time i guess. and I’m not, like at all. well i guess in like a general way cuz I’m horny in a i think about porn way but don’t really want to talk about it and whatever. but he’s always flirting like “i wanna fuck the shit out of you and make you scream” and like, how am i supposed to respond to that. and i was talking to his this afternoon, like round 3 pm (4 for him) and i was telling him about my day and then he was like “loser😘” and i said “don’t bully me” in like a playful way and then he said “I’m not,

oh my god

my response didn’t send 😭😭😭😭 holy shit he probably thought i was ignoring him

i need to kill myself

okay back to what i was saying. he said “i just wanna rail you until you scream my name” and i was like, hm. okay, sure. but now that I’m realizing my message didn’t send my whole thing doesn’t really make any sense. i feel really embarrassed

my response was really cringe. it was “i would like that, yes.. (￣︿￣)” which i thought was cringe enough to be kinda cutely awkward. then i was freaking out cuz he didn’t respond(kinda freaking but in my new, i guess it’s fine if i messed it up who cares, way) but like now that i know the message didn’t send i feel really bad

fuck bro

okay I’m resending now ^_^

done. phone on dnd. not checking notifications. we in good

my issue what I’m really weird and awkward and don’t know how to respond to sexual texts and shit. wow i can’t believe it didn’t send bro. i might have fumbled

noooo jk but like I’m a bit nervous

okay actually i gave in and checked notifs but NO MORE!!!!

sorry anyways, I’m really lame and idk how to respond to that shit and also sexual messages don’t do much for me. idk, i like voice stuff more(may be more to this but i won’t tell) i mean i listened to bf asmr for like 7 years now or so, so like maybe that’s its. but I’m also not really horny or if i am i don’t really have a physical reaction it’s more of a mental thing + idk how to masturbate so i just watch/listen to porn and thug it out and the more i type the more i realize i should have just used notes app

anyways i want to talk about personal things with you. i want to share my life with you because i know you listen. i

oh, i still have to talk about the i love you thing. well i haven’t thought about it much so sorry for lying but it just hasn’t felt like that big of a deal. i was thinking like 3-5 days ago, “i need to stop saying I’m in love with this guy, it’s so too early” and i even looked up a couple days before he said it when do people usually say i love you. but then he said it like it was the most natural thing in the world and i was like oh wow. that’s nice. it’s cool

anyhow. i don’t think i have much more to say. i love you a lot. no matter how horrible you are i love you. no matter how dirty you are i love you. no matter how shameful you may feel, i love you. with all my heart, with everything i have in me, i love you.

7:24 pm

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk: Vlive Asks and comment/chat discussions

From @cottoncandykings​: Hello! As u probably know jimin just went live recently and again he mentioned mandaggo and discussing about doing it with tae. I just find it so weird though. I mean jimin keeps constantly mentioning it and its not like vminnies were begging or dying for a vmin live everyday even before jimin mentioned it last year. Even now most including myself dont really care that much ofc i m happy if they do one together. But the way jimin keeps mentioning it is so weird. Like surely if he wanted to do it so badly he could have talked to tae privately and arranged it by now. And if tae is the one that doesnt want to do it then idk why jimin is pushing it. But what was really weird to me this time was that he said there were lots of comments about mandaggo yesterday in zoom call and yet they didnt mention it yesterday but suddenly today without prompting he talks about it. I also hope no one spammed the zoom call chat or the vlive chat with requests for vmin live (i didnt see any) bcoz thats just unnecessary and demanding. I hope vminnies wont demand/ ask for another memeber when one of them is live. Its just disrespectful. This turned into a rant sorry. Do you think it was weird too?

Since Admin 2 can’t type their thoughts themselves, I’ll relay their thoughts to you instead, since they had more thoughts/opinions/ideas in regard to this than I do, to be honest.

Admin 2 is sure that there is a good chance that we will get a vmin vlive sometime soon, which I know contradicts their original opinion and post from a few months ago, but there’s a reason for it. During the zoom meeting between BTS and ARMY they noticed something I don’t think anyone else noticed, or at least neither of us has seen any vminnies mention it anywhere, which in conjunction with Jimin’s vlive today and saying how he’d talk to Tae about doing a mandaggo vlive again, as well as another observation a little while ago, leads them to this conclusion.

So, the observation from the zoom meeting. Basically at one point when the question of Jimin doing a vlive arose Tae looks at Jimin and then he nods while smiling which in turn makes Jimin smile as he turns away from Tae and back to face toward the camera before answering the question and saying how he’ll come visit us the next day. Which he did.

Then the other observation from a while ago, this one being from their OT7 vlive celebrating their BBH100 #1 on June 29th where at one point Jimin says something but slips into satoori after which Tae encourages him to say that again but this time in the Seoul accent, so the way they actually should speak, which Jimin says isn’t difficult but he doesn’t actually end up repeating what he said.

And lastly in today’s vlive Jimin mentioned how he’s using satoori quite often but that he isn’t all that good at doing it on command or at teaching it to others, which is something he’d have to do for mandaggo but I’m sure he’d manage just fine if the time came for it.

Based on that Admin 2′s thoughts are basically that Jimin really meant it when he said, last year, that he’ll bring Tae around for a vlive, that it wasn’t a joke or a way to tease us with something he knew he wouldn’t be able to deliver, but rather that up until this point they weren’t quite sure how to do it. Which sounds a bit odd, I know, but what they mean is that if vmin were to just sit down in front of the camera and were supposed to just talk based on what the chat would give them, it would likely just turn out awkward and weird and no one, including them, would really have fun. Even more so when we take into account how idiotic the chat is during regular vlives so now imagine if those two were to do one together that’s just a casual chat. It would likely end up in disaster and honestly I wouldn’t wish it upon them to read all those awful comments that they would likely get, even worse ones than they already get normally, to be honest.

But now that the whole satoori thing was brought up, and Jimin actually mentioned mandaggo and wanting to bring it back after so many years, Admin 2 thinks that they must’ve finally figured out a solution to their problem, if you can call it that. Doing mandaggo would basically mean they would have an activity, something to do similar to how they did those ASMR videos for the Japanese Fan Club which were fun and cute, and so Admin 2 thinks that perhaps chances are we will finally get the vlive we’ve waited for so long (though like many others I’ve long given up the idea).

Another confirmation is that during his vlive today Jimin basically said that he only came by for a little while since they are quite busy and had to soon get ready for work with the other members but that he’ll return in two or three weeks for a more proper, longer, vlive. So, he could’ve treated today’s vlive as the promised one but instead he saw it more as a bridging one between the zoom meeting and the proper vlive he wants to do, so is it the farfetched to think that he had proper plans for a vlive, like doing mandaggo, but it just wouldn’t have worked out time wise today so he moved the actual vlive he wanted to make to a later date?

One last thing (well two actually) that has nothing to do with this question but Admin 2 wanted me to include it anyway is that one, have you noticed how Tae and Jimin were both on weverse around 3 am (until almost 4am (also both of them posting a comment to some post at 03:41 am KST)) one after the other (though with one day of a break in between them) recently and then also two, that Jimin was up until like 6 am (since he posted on weverse around that time) on the 8th and then during the zoom meeting Tae answered a question by saying that he’d been awake until 6 am the previous day (also the 8th) since he wanted to see the sunrise? Which is also something an anon mentioned to us. Curious, isn’t it?

From anon: I request both admins to please post this ask. So jimin wwnt live today and one of the accounts on twt posted a screen cap of them commenting 'touch your hair if vmin is real' in the live chat and jimin's reaction to it. Now idk if it is an edit or real. No matter i just want to say its not ok to bring up ships in front of the members no matter which ship it is. We dont know the reality of their relationship so lets not make them uncomfortable. Its not a joke. Its not funny. Be respectful the members are real people.

(Admin 1 taking over from this point onward) This ask nicely ties into the last one that’ll be further down in this post since they cover a similar issue of sorts. But let’s start with this one asking about, essentially, vlive comments and the things fans ask/comment, which also ties in with the above ask as well.

The thing with the vlive chat, and especially comments/questions that are like anon said, questions or “commands/requests” about touch your hair if XYZ ship is real or cough twice if you love XYZ member or, likewise, comments such as where is XYZ member or what are the other members doing, unfortunately those have been a steady and unchanging part of the vlive chat since basically forever. It’s been an issue on and off with different intensities though I feel like it’s gotten worse again this year. Particularly if we look back at the vlive Tae did with Hobi and Yoongi and how essentially the entire chat was filled with comments related to Xkook and not much else.

If my memory doesn’t fail me we once even had a situation some years ago (2016) where the chat during Hobi’s vlive was so bad, as in so full of questions about that other members instead of him, that you could see he was upset about it and eventually he handed over the vlive to Jimin, whom the chat had requested Hobi to visit, and Hobi just left. And I can’t blame him for it since the chat must’ve made him feel like basically no one cared about him so what was even the point of him being there, right?

Personally I’ve long given up looking at the comments during vlive because they just make me cringe and feel bad for the members, especially when I think back to vlives such as Yoongi’s D2 one last year where he was so excited to talk about the songs and the process of making the mixtape and yet so many of the comments were just unrelated nonsense and annoying request like speak english or can you say my name or say hello in XYZ language. If it makes me question why the people posting those questions are in the chat, why they are fans to begin with, imagine what the members must feel like, how discouraging that must feel like. After all they are musicians and yet so rarely do they get questions about that. Or rather they do get them but they are just drowned out by nonsense. Which is a shame. And also very disrespectful but any attempts that were made to remind people to be respectful, to remember their place as fans, to focus on the member that’s doing the vlive instead of asking about the others, and to keep ships away from the members have failed because some don’t care and will continue to not care.

From anon: what are your opinions on the Qs that were asked during that zoom meeting thing between BTS and ARMY?

Now I’d like to preface my answer to this last question by saying that by no means do my grievances come from a place of jealousy or anything. I’m very happy for all the ARMYs that won their spot, that they got to participate in the event and that BTS got to see ARMYs again even if only on screens and not in person still. No, my issue stems from something completely different, and I don’t want to say that the system chose the wrong people, because that would be mean and also who even knows how the winners were chosen, if it was pure luck or there were some actual criteria that went into the process, but the fact is that only a select 200 ARMYs got that spot out of however many that applied, so basically for some this was a once in a lifetime chance, right, even just getting this close to asking Bangtan a question and have really great chances of having them give you an answer while acknowledging you somewhat instead of just seeing pure words on a screen, you know what I mean?

Now imagine you are one of those 200 ARMYs and you get the chance to fill the chat with questions along with the other 49 participants of your session and you decide that asking questions such as what it’s like for Jimin to work as angel, if Namjoon ever broke a bicycle, or why JK smells the crowns of the other members heads? Or even worse, you decide to ask about JKs shower routine and in which order he washes his body? And sure, the “fault” doesn’t fall completely on the ARMYs alone, after all it’s the members who read out those questions and not some magical off screen entity, and since I wasn’t part of the event I can’t say with a hundred percent certainty that no one asked any “proper” questions, but if those were the questions that ended up being read out loud, is it that hard to guess that likely all the questions looked similarly? 

Which brings me to my main grievance of it all: have you forgotten that you are fans of musicians and not reality TV stars or vloggers/influencers? I know there were likely no rules for what questions you could or couldn’t ask (except for probably ones that were 100% about shipping or far too personal), but really, you get to ask your favorite band a question, something you might never, ever get the chance to do again, and your first thought isn’t to ask about their music but instead about some unimportant nonsense like the angel question or if they differentiate between the clothes they wear at home and those they sleep in? Like sure the angel one was kinda funny, maybe, and Jimin handled it in a cute way, I applaud him for it, but was that really necessary?

I know someone asked JK about Decalcomania, as well as Tae about his mixtape, and Yoongi/Jimin about Tony Montana (season 2), but other than that were there any other questions about their music? Perhaps I’m overthinking things, maybe I’m exaggerating and maybe I’m the only one who sees an issue with this, but if I would’ve won a spot, I’d rather have asked something about their process when writing lyrics or creating beats or how they prepare when learning new choreographies, what it’s like to be on tour (though perhaps that would be a mean question seeing as tours aren’t really something that’ll continue being possible for a while still), you get the point.

It makes me wonder if it was just bad luck or if it had something to do with how old the participants were (I saw some being as young as fifteen), which isn’t to say that teens can’t ask smart questions because they definitely can just like adults can ask stupid ones as well, but somewhere something, in my opinion, just went weirdly. And maybe that was the point of it all, for the event to be casual, funny, lighthearted, but my question then is when is the time for music discussions? For fans to ask those types of questions that actually have something to do with the boys careers? When even journalists aren’t asking them proper questions, ARMYs aren’t either, so what is the point of it all then?

Then again, after the event concluded and Seokjin came onto vlive he seemed so happy and excited, so maybe they had fun (I mean they seemed to have fun) and didn’t mind at all that the questions were lighthearted and silly, maybe I’m the one making mountains out of molehills. I don’t know, but anon wanted to know my thoughts/opinions, and this is them. Once again, I don’t mean to be mean toward the ARMYs that got rightfully in, that won, and I don’t want to insult them for the questions they asked, perhaps I just expected/hoped for something a little different? And perhaps I’m the only one. I don’t know. 

[endless-whump]

Milo: Drifting

TW dissoci@tion, disordered eating, past starvation references, conditioning, panic attack, gaslighting, reference to past assault, Theo is an asshole ;)

Masterpost

Happy pride month!!!  Heres some angsty fluff for my bois!! <3

----

Milo drifted, letting his mind go unfocused as he listened to the soft music playing through his headphones.  It was a good drifting, though.  Not one where his ears rang, mind numb, fear and pain dulling his senses. No, this was soft.  This was the type of drifting that let him block out everything but the senses he chose to focus on.  Like the music, or the feeling of soft fabric underneath his fingertips, or the weighted blanket laid over him.

It all felt very real,which is what comforted Milo most of all.  The reassurance that he was here, burrowed under blankets on the couch, with Nick just in the next room cooking some late dinner.  He let himself get lost in the soft sounds playing, sighing contently and burrowing deeper against the pillows.

He startled when the earbuds were yanked out of his ears, bringing him snapping back to his surroundings all at once.  His eyes blinked open, head tilting up to see the source of the sudden startle as he cringed against the back of the couch. There was a flash of red hair, someone crouching in front of him.

Oh.  It was Theo.

He was holding Milo’s phone and earbuds, looking at them curiously.

“What the hell are you listening to?  Looks like some weird stuff, man.”

“I, um..it’s just..music and stuff.”  Milo tried telling him, reaching out for the phone. Theo just leaned back, taking them out of reach.  Nick had put together a playlist for him, and it had helped him sleep tremendously when he was by himself.  Some of them weren’t really music, more like white noise.  Nick called it asmr, told him he used to listen to it a lot while he studied.

“Doesn’t look like just music, what the fuck is this? This a cam girl or something? Didn’t know you were into th- hey!”

Milo had tried to scramble for the phone, face flushed.

“It’s..its not, Theo its..its..give it back..”

“Hey, thought you were supposed to be docile and shit- get down.”

Milo stopped, breathing hard.  Tears filled his eyes, threatening to fall as he sat back, feeling like the reins were being yanked from his hands, someone else taking control over him.  He could feel himself slipping, his senses dulling as he fought to keep some semblance of control over himself.

“Hey- the fucks wrong with you, man?” Theo tapped the side of his face lightly, earning a flinch, but that just made Milo recede further. Away was safe, going away would make it hurt less once-

Milo whimpered and jerked away at a harder slap, Theo now closer to his face.

“I didn’t mean to freak you out, ok? Just stop losing your shit, Nick’s gonna kill me if he comes back and you’re all zoned out like this, focus up.”

Focus up

Nonono, he didn’t want that.  He needed to hands off him, he needed people to stop touchinghim.  He couldn’t breathe, the ghost of hands pinning and shoving and holding him down and touching and they wouldn’t stop touching him-

“N.nnh..no..no Theo..Theo please stop..Theo-”

“Dude, I’m not even touching you, I need you to calm down before Nick gets back.”

Nick

Nick could help.  That's who he needed right now.

He tried to throw off the blankets, moving to get away from Theo. He yelped when hands grabbed him by the arms, pulling him back to where he was originally and holding him in place.

“H,Hey, hey hey Theo..Theo stop.”

Milo struggled, becoming more panicked as he was wrestled onto his back, held down on the couch.  His chest was restricting as he struggled for air, mind blank with panic and instinct.

“Theo, what the hell are you doing?!”

There he was.  The bruising grip was off him now, replaced by a soft, grounding touch just to his shoulders, a familiar face, a safe face, in front of him.

“He was freaking out, I was worried about him hurting himself on accident or something, I didn’t mean to make it worse.”

Milo grabbed onto Nick, burying his face into his chest, almost as if he was trying to hide himself.  Warm, safe arms wrapped around him, and Milo wanted to bury himself as far into them as he could and stay there forever.

“Milo, need you to take deep breaths, ok? Can you do that for me?”

He still couldn’t breathe.  He tried, wheezing with the effort it took to try and draw air into his lungs, which just made him struggle harder and faster and made things worse-

“Breathe, Milo.  Need you to slow yourself down before you pass out.”  

Hands cupped his face, holding his just inches from Nicks as Milo gasped for breath.  He tried to mimic the slow, intentional breaths Nick was taking, and although it was hard, eventually it started working.  

His heart was still racing, beating so hard Milo could hear the pulse ringing in his ears, but it was easier to get air now.  He could manage slow, shaky breaths in replacement of the quick gasps that just brought him closer and closer to delirium.

“Are you feeling better?  What freaked you out?”  Nick asked

Milo...wasn’t sure.  It all happened so fast, he was just sleeping and listening to music and then Theo was there and he couldn’t breathe-

“I..um..”  He swallowed, trying to formulate his thoughts properly.  “I..I don’t know..I’m sorry..I don’t..”

“That's ok, you don’t have to figure it out right now if you can’t remember.  Just relax, ok? C’mere.”

He was pulled into Nick's arms, a hand running soothingly through his hair. Milo closed his eyes, focusing on the sensation as he tried to relax. None of it was coming back to him properly, the panic seemed to come out of nowhere...Theo was there, he was scared of Theo, but he said he was just trying to help. 

He didn’t have the energy to try and sort his thoughts and make a decision about it, so let it go from his mind.

Hands ran up and down his back, fingers running through soft, recently washed hair, the touch a constant reminder of where he was, and who he was with.

“Made us some dinner, you need to eat.” Nick hummed. Milo didn’t want to pull away but knew he had to, nodding as he leaned back against the couch cushions. His blanket was wrapped around his shoulders again, a warm plate pushed into his hands.

He leaned against Nick, who’d settled next to him, and started eating. It was lasagna, something that would actually get some nutrients into him without being too overwhelming.

“Did Theo do something?” Nick asked quietly, and it took Milo a moment to register the redhead was nowhere in sight now.  “You can tell me if he did.”

Milo took another bite, focusing on the warmth and the taste and the texture of the pasta.

“Um..I don’t think so..he said he was helping, I think,” He murmured, unsure.  It was all a blur right now, he doesn’t remember anything clearly after his headphones were gone, just panic.  Theo hadheld him down..but he was helping, right? “I was..I was freaking out..I, I don’t know why, I don’t know why-”

“Hey,” Nick cut in, a hand at the nape of his neck and rubbing softly.  “It's ok if you don’t remember why, all that matters is making sure you feel safe right now. Just trying to make sure Theo wasn’t fucking with you, is all.”

He set the unfinished plate down on his lap, curling up as small as he could against Nick’s side.

“You need to eat the rest of that, Milo.” Nick murmured.

“Don’t feel good.”

Nick sighed, his arm around Milo hugging tightly.  “I know, but doctors orders.  I’ve been too lenient with it recently, and you needto eat more.  Cmon, I know you only ate like, half your lunch today.  It’ll get easier, I promise.  Just gotta trust me.”

Milo shoved down a whine of protest as Nick pushed the plate back into Milo’s hands, and he stared at the unfinished food.  He hesitantly picked the fork back up, grabbing the bite of food between his teeth.  He wasn’t feeling sick, not exactly.  It just felt wrong to be eating this much.  He was also in the middle of slowly transitioning to eating without permission, which felt like absolute hell for Milo.  

He could remember spending hours staring at food Samuel had set on the ground for him, hours spent not allowed to touch it until his captor gave him permission.  It made him scared to even think about eating without Nick telling him to, but he’d insisted he try.  That was..technically giving permission, right?

“Done.”  He muttered, shoving the now empty plate to the side, wanting to get it far, far away from him.  It felt like he’d done something awful.  Something he didn’t have permission for.

Nick quickly took the plate, leaning forward and setting it aside on the coffee table.  Something else was being pushed into Milo’s hands, but this time it was his phone and earbuds.

“These were on the floor.” Nick said gently.  Milo closed his fingers around them, holding them protectively.  His ears still hurt a little from where they were harshly yanked out.

They were yanked out? Milo thought…

“Thanks,”  He forced the thought out of his mind.  He was too tired to question it right now.

“Turn on something and get some more sleep, ok?  I’ll stay right here, have some studying to do.”

Milo nodded, slipping the earbuds into his ears and shakily opening the phone.  He wasn’t really paying attention as he scrolled through the playlists, blindly picking one out of the many he and Nick had put together.  He didn’t really have a preference for any, at least not yet.

He settled down, his head resting on Nick's leg as they both got comfortable, soft music playing through the earbuds.  Milo tried focusing once more on the music and the fingers running idly through his hair, but he felt so wound up now.  If he paid attention, he could just barely hear the sound of pages turning next to his head, Nick no doubtedly getting settled to catch up on his homework.

Milo couldn’t help but feel guilty.  Nick tried to hide it, but Milo had overheard him talking about being behind because of all this.  Apparently he’d fallen behind quite a bit during the months he was missing, and even now that Milo was back he was struggling to juggle the schoolwork. Nick was going for his bachelors, Milo remembered.  Psychology.

There was a tap on his temple that startled him slightly, and Milo took out a headphone, turning his head to look up at Nick from where he was resting against his leg.

“I can practically hear you thinking right now, you’re all tensed up. Go to sleep, honey.”

Nick pressed a kiss to Milo’s temple, music once again drowning everything else out as he put the earbud back in.  Back and forth, fingers ran soothingly across his skin, almost to the tempo of the music.  He finally let go and let himself drown in it, a content hum rising from the back of his throat.

He could drown like this forever, Milo thought to himself, muscles relaxing as he let himself trust his partner completely.  He’d prefer it over anything else.

----

Taglist

@haro-whumps@spiffythespook@simplygrimly@insanitywishes@lonesome--hunter@deluxewhump@elisabethrosewrites@insanitywishes@iaminamoodymoodtoday @bleeding-demon-teeth @lumpofwhump@redstainedsocks @redstainedsocks @finder-of-rings @insomniacscoprio @inaridriscoll