#its likens constant low humming in my left ear only

[furinyaa]

I haven’t slept all night because I have to share a room and ifs so fucking quiet in here my tinnitus or whatever the hell is wrong with my ear has kept me up AAAAAAAAAA

[stevedonnellyfaith-blog]

The Face of Grief (Post 59) 10-15-14

                        I started to write about a piano this week on Wednesday but was also finishing C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed and the book had such a profound effect on me that its subject interrupted my concentration on the other matter.  For me writing works best when the work writes itself.  When a particular subject encroaches on my piece of mind, it is usually best to submit to the invasion and not resist otherwise the act of composition becomes like listening to Charlotte Church in my left ear while My Charona plays in my right – humming along is not an option.   So, for this week, the piano will remain silent and ignored.  Instead I will write about grief.

C.S. Lewis, former atheist, brilliant writer, and one of Father Jerry’s favorites, wrote quite a bit of excellent Christian literature.  A confirmed bachelor, Lewis married Joy Davidman Gresham late in life in a civil ceremony to prevent the divorcee from being deported from England at the onset of cancer.  With her disease in remission, they later fell in love and remarried in the Church of England.  Soon after their remarriage Joy’s cancer returned and after several years she died leaving Lewis alone once again and grief ridden.   Because Lewis was who he was, he captured his impressions of grief in four old exam books that he found lying around the house.  

A Grief Observed is short and did not turn out as Lewis intended.  He sought to create a portrait of his grief, but he found that his grief was not a static creature but instead changed over time. He stopped after four chapters because he realized that the transformation of his pain would likely continue throughout the rest of his life, but his literary characterization of his initial grief would be all that was helpful to his readers.  He stopped at about sixty pages, exhausting all the discarded exam books he had lying about his house, called it done and published it under a pseudonym.  Lewis died only three years after Joy with whom I presume he was reunited soon thereafter.

His short book remains an incredibly helpful legacy to anyone who has suffered through the excruciation of the death of a loved one.  While his writing is not an elixir capable of curing the pain of loss, it is helpful to see how things mellowed for Lewis especially in his relationship with God. It took a genius to write the book and an incredible amount of character to publish a work of such intimate feelings. It seems to me that because of Lewis’ perspective, A Grief Observed might be more helpful to men, but as I have explained before, how women feel is very mysterious to me. It may be potentially more helpful to women, in fact.  If you think you need it, read it.  It is about 60 pages that are very readable if the English flavor of the Narnia books didn’t bore or bug you.

There was much that was helpful in the book for me, but there were also parts that seemed to be for other people.  Lewis describes two types of pain: one that is intermittent (like an air raid) and one that is constant and draining (like an artillery barrage). As a severely wounded serviceman in World War I and as a British civilian during the Nazi air blitz, Lewis spoke from experience about the two types of military actions.  From a pain standpoint his grief was likened to intermittent pain caused by extraneous thoughts or external random triggers, but he never suffered the endless waves of pain and depression that he watched Joy experience.  His experience is similar to mine in its intermittence if not in its intensity, as I too have never been subject to the barrage of unrelenting pain.  Like Lewis’ experience with Joy, I have watched my wife suffer through that type of prolonged pain.  Pam battled a deep depression for several years and then suffered another extended barrage when she fought confusion and fear in the first several weeks after her first craniotomy.  Both experiences left me in awe of my wife’s bravery and resilience and also in the power of the grace of God.

It is important for military officers to understand people’s body language and motivation, and by habit I study people’s faces and posture.  It can be a fascinating and distracting occupation.  I might notice a beautiful young girl in the choir or an alter server who resembles how I imagine the Virgin Mary to have looked at that age. Then I might notice that her posture indicates that she has low self-esteem and has no conception that God has chosen for her to resemble Our Mother – usually at that point Abby, or one of the kids, will remind me that the greatest miracle in the world is actually taking place on the altar if I would care to focus my attention properly. I sometimes lose focus in Adoration and end up praying for a person I notice whose face is covered in quiet tears. I imagine this is just a case of Jesus putting my ADD to some helpful use.

Anyway, I once sat through an hour long church function mesmerized by the face of a young woman stricken by grief.  Her plight was very disturbing to me, because I could tell that she was suffering through one of the prolonged attacks of pain through which I have never suffered. Her face was very beautiful which made the tableau especially troubling to me as she struggled not to move any of her features lest she lose her composure.

The situation was the worst of all situations for the male gender – identifying a serious problem and then standing by in total impotence.  Failure to intervene is frustration beyond frustration, but good manners, common decency and in some cases restraining orders prevent men from randomly comforting other people.  Superman and real heroes like policemen, firemen, priests, nurses and school teachers are allowed to break that rule in extremis situations.  For the rest of us men, not being able to attempt to fix an identified problem leaves us with a feeling of inadequacy that we demonstrate by getting angry with someone not involved in the situation over an unrelated issue. Trust me it all makes sense to us.

More importantly, with regard to the woman in pain, I can think of nothing constructive to do for her other than to pray.  Sometimes in these situations I pray that Pam will intercede for the person as well. She always understood my frustrations and inadequacies.  She also surely has a much better vantage point on whatever the woman’s situation is and can ask pertinent questions of Jesus that might possibly be answered more directly than I am accustomed.  If the woman is still in pain, I hope that other IHM parishioners notice her and pray for her as well.  My family has discovered how powerful our parish is when it sets its collective mind toward intercessory prayer.  Someday, I hope to see the young woman again once she has received some solace.  I expect that she has a pretty smile that Jesus loves to see.