#its different in the show cause she doesn’t seem to have touch aversion and

[harmonicaorange]

spoilers but that little hint of tolya and inej… i’m not mad about it

[bookwyrminspiration]

I have to say that it’s a tad annoying how humans are looked down on in the series, especially since Sophie doesn’t seem entirely willing to defend them. It would’ve been nice to have at least one elf that would go out of their way to at least acknowledge it.

it is!!! maybe we're a little sensitive about it because we all grew up around humans as well, but! there's one situation/thing this causes that always irks me, which is how Sophie's purpose is kind of misunderstood (in my opinion; also fair warning I get a little off topic for a while but I promise it's all related)

I don't think most of the people in the series realize the extent of why Sophie was made the way she was. I don't expect them to, but sometimes it gets overwhelming. I think Sophie's friends see her growing up among humans as "wow! that's so strange but I'm glad you're you <3. I wouldn't change anything about you but also it's so much better that you're in our world now, it's where you should be." She was raised with humans for a reason, she was removed from the elven world for a reason, and I don't think her friends fully realize what it was

They see her difference as her powers, if that makes sense. That's what makes her suited to fight, to lead, to be the moonlark. That's what they did, they gave her these cool powers to let her fight. But that's very surface level. The important part of Project Moonlark is that it gave her perspective, is that she wasn't indoctrinated with elven thinking. She was made to be something new! Not in terms of abilities, but in terms of morality and beliefs and thinking. That is her purpose, why she was made.

There are very few people who realize that; instead of seeing her existence in the elven world as "she's going to change how we think to be more mindful and just" its more "we need to change how she thinks because she's an elf and doesn't know how to think like an elf." When the point is that she's not supposed to think like an elf! It's in the little things like her being okay with eating meat, valuing the contributions of people others don't (like thinking the working class shouldn't be treated differently), not appreciating the emphasis on beauty or matchmaking, things like that. It's not this huge deal where they're like "you need to be more elven!" but more "why aren't you like this, it's so much better," that demonstrates how they don't

They know she's something new, that she's going to change the world, that she was made for a reason. But I don't think all her friends fully comprehend just how revolutionary her mind is, how important it is that she doesn't think like them. To them, she's quirky and out of touch with elven culture, but that's their Sophie! They get to teach her and show her things, and she has this weird aversion to certain things but they still love her.

which is all related to how humans are treated in the series!! they look down on humans without realizing that it is humans that made Sophie into the force she is today, that it is humans that will be their savoir. Human thinking and human caring that Sophie learned. And right now Sophie is kind of stuck in an inbetween, wanting to fit in and wanting to belong in the elven world but there are things they believe and think that she just can't rationalize in her head, so she will always default to human. She's tried to assimilate throughout the series, but it isn't going to happen. Her human thinking, while she's embarrassed of it enough to go quiet when her friends start to point it out, is going to be what saves them.

So I think they're looked down on a whole bunch right now because the people she surrounds herself with don't understand humans, and they see them as other and foreign and bad. They've been taught specific things about humans their whole lives, and Sophie being in their lives for a few years isn't enough to undo that entirely, especially when they still know so little about humans because Sophie doesn't talk about them. She doesn't want to stand out, and talking about humans stands out even among friends.

The characters we see know so little about humans and don't understand the importance of Sophie's existence outside of her strength, at least based on how I see it. It's annoying to see as we're told Sophie being raised by humans is important and then read about how humans are silly and stupid, but the people those perspectives come from are very differently and have different understandings of Sophie's purpose, so I can understand it.

it's very interesting though, so thank you for the prompt even if I got a little off topic!

[youremyonlyhope]

Thoughts on the Six of Crows Duology

Maybe it’s because this took place over a much shorter timespan than Shadow and Bone, but I feel like I could pinpoint all the plot points and the timelines of Shadow and Bone better than I can for Six of Crows. When I made my post about SaB, it was easier to remember the order that everything happened. I think that because SoC has multiple chapters covering the same period time from different characters’ perspectives along with lots of flashbacks thrown in, that it’s causing the order of events to be a jumble in my mind.

But anyway, Six of Crows was a dramatic and fun (well... not fun..) heist novel, while Crooked Kingdom made it its personal mission to destroy me emotionally. I loved every second of it but I don’t know when I’ll properly recover.

Obvious spoilers for Six of Crows trilogy, but also the Grishaverse in general. (Most of this was written at the end of June but not posted until now)

So I guess I’ll start with Six of Crows. Maybe I’ll do a paragraph for each part... I’ll probably give up on that pretty quickly but we’ll see.

I love that the series has Inej’s POV be the first of the Crows that we get and then she also gets to be the last POV of the Crows too. If I hadn’t seen season 1 of Shadow and Bone first, I’m not sure how I’d have reacted to Kaz’s ruthlessness or the world of Ketterdam in general. I also knew that the Kanej relationship would be insane amounts of pining and the pain of requited-but-thought-to-be-unrequited love, so I was sort of shocked that in one of the first chapters Kaz changes clothes with Inej in the room and she ponders “Am I the only one he lets get this close?” And he says in that same chapter “my darling Inej, treasure of my heart...” I was like, I know he’s probably teasing but oh my god... we’re just going right into it. Leigh’s teasing us already. I knew then it would be torture. Moving on. Matthais killing a wolf hurt my soul and I wasn’t even aware that the wolves were THAT sacred to Fjerdans. And I guess maybe I shouldn’t have watched the show first since Matthais trying to choke Nina did not shock me.

I give up on this one paragraph per part thing already.

Something I did not expect was Jesper sort of having a crush on Kaz too. Did I just not notice that in the show or did they decide to leave that out? I guess I shouldn’t be shocked but still, reading about Jesper’s little tiny thoughts of jealousy was interesting. Inez’s thoughts of how much she hated that her heart’s arrow seemed to aim for Kaz when nothing can ever come of it hurt me. AHHH and idiot Kaz saying “I always come back for my investments” to Inej when he’s carrying her just.. this idiot. Did he ever even say “I’m sorry” at some point in the books? I can’t remember, it’s a blur of emotions. Kaz, sweetheart, you’re CARRYING Inej, you can barely stand having someone touch your sleeve and you’re CARRYING her. How could Inej even question that he cared about her more than just being another investment if he carried her to safety? How could you question it if he feels comfortable enough to undress around you? The boy’s dumb, listen to his actions not the stupid words he says.

It’s funny, while double checking how many more Grisha books remained as I walked to my bookstore a few days ago to pick up Nikolai’s books, I saw on Leigh’s website that she has another book called The Ninth House. And it said “While the books of the Grishaverse can be safely explored by readers of any age, Ninth House is darker, more graphic, and intended for adults.”

...

Ok Leigh. Tell me in what world would the scene where Kaz stabs and pulls out the eye of Oomen then throws him overboard be considered a scene that can be “safely explored by readers of any age”?? That was a lot. I wasn’t expecting that level of personal violence this early. I was just as horrified as Wylan and Matthais were when they witnessed it.

Anyway. Nina wishing for one more day of Healer training back in the Little Palace hurt. Looking back through the book just now I laughed at Nina saying to Jesper, of all people, “Do you know how to find a Grisha who doesn’t want to be found?” I have so many thoughts about Jesper that I will have to save for later. And Matthais’ “I might have loved you too.” felt like a stab to my heart. Honestly I know I said earlier that Crooked Kingdom ruined me, but I guess SoC did too and I just forgot about it all until just now because Crooked Kingdom turned it up to another level.

The friendships they all have. I almost wish they never needed to leave that boat. Nina and Inej were adorable when Nina sang for her. Jasper and Inej bonding over questioning why they still follow (and love) Kaz while also knowing neither of them ever want to stop was amazing. Throw in Kaz thinking “Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days” about Inej and it’s just a recipe for making Hope emotional.

People had told me the Nina and Matthais scenes of SaB season 1 were pulled straight from Six of Crow’s flashbacks, and they were not lying. A few differences here and there but it’s pretty accurate. I think the show’s pacing for those scenes was off though, sometimes it felt rushed and other times it felt too drawn out (especially since I had no clue how these two would fit into everything because I hadn’t read the books yet). Reading the scenes made me appreciate what they’d been through much more. And I do like how the show adapted the reason that Nina turned Matthais in as a slaver.

Slowly having Kaz and Jordie’s backstory unfold was traumatizing. I had wondered what made him so touch averse, and now I get it. What Kaz went through was terrible. I could barely read the words because it was so painful. Inej being so understanding while not knowing everything that happened, just knowing that Kaz needs her to not judge him for fainting or recoiling from touch, was beautiful.

The reveal that Jesper was a Grisha was sort of spoiled for me because 1) in the show one of the Heartrenders said “What are you? You’re a-” to him so that was a big hint. And 2) a YouTube comment I saw confirmed that that line referenced that he was Grisha. This is a trend, YouTube comments have spoiled me multiple times over the last 2 months. You’d think I’d learn, but nope, I just got spoiled for Rule of Wolves not even an hour ago because of a YouTube comment. I thought I was finally safe to watch SoC videos since I wouldn’t be spoiled. I forgot that people can discuss the other books too. Anyway, Jesper being a Fabrikator is a dream come true since that’d be my ideal Grisha power. Even though I knew it was coming, I still was sort of surprised by the way it was revealed, so I’m sure that it came as a shock to readers who avoid spoilers, unlike me.

The entire heist in the Ice Court caused me constant anxiety. How in the world could everything go so wrong in so many different ways and still work out? I felt like every single page there was some new blindside and yet the Crows (but mostly Kaz) managed to figure out a way out of it. I really didn’t think that it’d start to go wrong as early as it did with literally the first very first steps of the plan failing. Nina and Kaz searching the cells and getting caught, Inej finding out that the chimney was hot and ended up melting her shoes (I was so especially mad about the shoes being ruined). I was very surprised that Kaz was as reckless as he was to detour and find Rollins. It felt out of character, but proved how deep his hatred is if he nearly risked the entire reward just to make sure that he still has the chance to get revenge on Rollins later.

Nina and Inej pretending to be with the Menagerie was insane. Inej’s internal freak out when Heleen recognized her made me feel so scared for her, but I was 20 times more scared for Nina with Brum. Those few moments where I thought Matthais really had betrayed the Crows and sold them out to Brum made me so mad. I knew deep down it had to be a bluff to get Brum out of the way, but I was still scared it was real. God, I felt so much relief when Matthais let her out, they found Kuwei, and Kaz got them all out through the Sacred Ash.

The stealing and driving of the tank was borderline ridiculous, but I was just happy to be along for the ride. Nina using the parem though... and the pain she went through afterwards while in withdrawal. God that hurt me. I couldn’t even be remotely happy at Kaz admitting he wants Inej because I was so worried about Nina. I literally was like “Kaz shut up about your feelings, Nina’s body is literally falling apart in the other room.”

I should have seen it coming that the Van Eck deal was too good to be true, and yet I was still blindsided by the attack and the kidnapping of Inej. And then going straight into a chapter narrated by Pekka Rollins was like whiplash, but I just went with it. I didn’t really realize how strange it was to get Pekka’s POV, but I didn’t care because I saw all the remaining pages and wanted to see how they’d save Inej. Then that chapter ended and on the next page I read the words “I have a degenerative condition...” I was confused by the sudden use of first person, and realized I was at the Acknowledgements, which meant the book was done.

I looked from the last page, back to the acknowledgements, and back to the last page, then I literally said “WHAT” out loud as it hit me that the book had ended with the worst cliffhanger I think I’ve ever experienced. I legitimately tossed the book to the floor after I came to terms with the fact that book was done. I was so mad.

Onto Crooked Kingdom! Boy did I not know what I was in for. I thought I did. I knew Chapter 40 was coming but instead I got an entire book of emotional destruction.

First of all, I love maps. So I was very glad to get a detailed map of Ketterdam with streets! And actual places! I probably stared at it and studied it for 5 minutes straight before even reading the book. The more detailed a map is, the happier I am. This map made me very happy.

The biggest takeaway of the first section of Crooked Kingdom is that Inej still believes that Kaz only cares for her as an investment. Breaks my heart. But also, Kaz traumatizing a little girl in the first few chapters makes you wonder if he even deserves Inej (he does, but wow is he ruthless. He didn’t kill the kid at least I guess). 

Colm. I have thoughts about Colm. He’s such a loving father. I will say more later when it’s more relevant. I loved that the rest of the Crows came to Jesper’s defense to create a lie for his dad, and that Colm adopted all of the kids. I can’t even read the word Colm without wanting to sob so I’ll stop with him for now.

I don’t know how I feel about us, as the readers, being left out of pieces of the plan. I’m not sure if this is something I love or hate about the way that Leigh writes the Crows novels. It’s fun for plot twists and usually does make sense when it’s from the POV of a character that Kaz purposefully leaves out of part of a plan, but that doesn’t always end up being the case. The Alys kidnapping was a complete blindside to me. Matthais sharing the chocolates he bought for Nina with Alys was sweet though, that he wants Nina to eat again so much that he’s ok with it just being sweets. I feel so bad that Nina can’t even eat that.

The Goedmedbridge plan with all the fake Mister Crimsons was an actual stroke of genius, if only the Shu didn’t come out of nowhere. Once again, everything going wrong yet the Crows finding their way out of it somehow. While Six of Crows felt like everything was going to plan until it wasn’t and then they were able to get back on track in a different way, Crooked Kingdom felt like constant blockages and blindsides and conflicts that came out of nowhere. The story and the plan and the plot changed so many times that it felt like I was on a roller coaster getting whiplash.

I’m scanning Part 3 and honestly, this feels like it all happened 5 minutes ago not like it was in the first half of the book. But oh my god, the line after Kaz and Inej stakeout the Van Eck house. “I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting.” Inej, my girl, how in the world do you think this boy doesn’t care about you? Oh my god... oh my god... I’d die if someone said something like that to me. Kaz, sweetheart, love, sometimes you say the stupidest things, but then other times you say the most violently romantic things I’ve ever heard.

And then Matthais saying Nina looked “Enchanting” in the Fjerdan clothing? This was just chapter after chapter of me squealing. And honestly, once again, meeting Zoya in the tavern feels like it happened in Part 5 not Part 3. I read this book so quickly that I really can’t remember the order of events until now that I’m scanning it.

I’m really glad that we got more of Wylan’s backstory and got to meet his mom. I wish he could have been better prepared for that, but there was no way. Hearing about Matthais’ wolf Trassel was the perfect thing to start breaking my heart. I said this last time with Hershaw and Oncat, I’m more sad when a pet is left behind by their dead/missing owner than when the pet themselves die. I nearly sobbed when Matthais thought about how Trassel must have been abandoned by the other Druseklle when he disappeared. 

Matthais, Jesper, and Kuwei half-theorizing an antidote for parem was amazing. Also I love that Matthais is the one who kind of guesses that Jesper’s restlessness is the effect from him not using his power regularly. Matthais, you really had a knack for understanding the Grisha.

Ok. Here we go. Jesper’s backstory. When I found out that Jesper was half Kaelish and half Zemeni, I was beyond overjoyed. I am half Black half Irish, with the same parentage as Jesper, so that representation made me happy. I didn’t expect to shed tears though when we finally got his backstory and to get to know his parents a little. The love that his mom and dad had for each other was absolutely beautiful. The fact that Aditi died while trying to save a little girl hurt me so much. Jesper wondered if he had been older and more trained would he have saved her, but honestly, he probably would have just put the poison in himself and died instead. Colm saying “She was a queen, Jes. She was our queen” tore out my heart. The way that Jesper and Colm had to look after each other after that. Jesper trying to cook and burning the food but Colm still eating every bit. Them just having to try to be ok after losing her, and Jesper knowing he wasn’t meant for this life on the farm. All of it continued to tear my heart straight out of my chest and stomp on it.

Guys I’m legitimately tearing up all over again. I had to fight to not be a mess reading it the first time and I still shed some tears over it. This is why I can’t even type Colm’s name without letting out a sob. He loves his son and his wife so much. He always wanted what was best and was constantly worried for them because they’re Grisha. They’re Zowa. I couldn’t handle Jesper’s backstory. And every single interaction Colm and Jesper had after I read what they went through, I’d let out a sob or even shed a tear. I loved their relationship and the love they have for each other so much.

Everything going wrong in a billion different ways at once honestly made me go “Come on not AGAIN.” Dunyasha coming out of nowhere, Pekka Rollins sabotaging Kaz, the other Lions ambushing the Black Veil. It was honestly a miracle that they all got out of it. I was especially, ESPECIALLY, proud of Matthais coaching Kuwei and Jesper on how to use their powers to get them out of the situation. This boy went from killing Grisha, to helping lead them. This character development is amazing. And he’s still internally fighting the part of him that says “Unnatural” and is making the choice to ignore the hate that was trained into him. I love him.

Nina’s zombies though. At first I was like “Oh haha she can control bones, that’s fun” when she blew up the tavern windows, but that turned morbid, literally morbid, very quickly. Animating corpses. I mean. It’s a great power to have honestly. Disgusting and horrifying, but very useful. 

“What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?” “Who the hell is Jordie?” When I say I gasped and my jaw dropped at that part... Literally, I couldn’t move past that line for at least 30 seconds. I just stared at the page and reread those two lines over and over again because I could not believe Kaz really slipped up like that. But also, oh my god, the implications of how much Kaz cares about Jesper if he’s mixing him up subconsciously with his brother, the brother who literally is the reason he has fought to become the feared gang leader he is and to bring down Rollins. He called Jesper Jordie. I still cannot believe it. And the way Kaz’s face looked frightened... I’m so excited to see this scene in the TV show.

Ok, home stretch.

Jesper and Colm finally clearing the air was yet another scene that made me shed tears over these two. The way that we found out that Colm didn’t want Jesper to go to be trained but gave him the choice anyway, and that Jesper didn’t go because he didn’t want to leave his father behind. God, my heart would have just broken if he’d left Colm behind. Oh no I’m going to start crying again. “His heart hurt. His head hurt. Guilt and love and resentment were all tangled up inside him, and every time he tried to unravel the knot in his gut, it got worse.” I felt that. I hate that after all of that, the conversation didn’t even get to get to end on good terms. Colm still doesn’t want him to use his power because of what happened to his mother, and Jasper says “I’m dying anyway, Da. I’m just doing it slow.” and it absolutely destroyed me. It’s like they put my heart back in my chest, only to rip it out again and shred it this time.

And then of course that led to Jesper kissing Kuwei instead of Wylan, which brings up some messy dubious consent stuff. I thought it was a little out of nowhere, but then I remembered the Kuwei did complain earlier “Why do you keep looking at him? I look just like him. You can look at me.” At that time, that complaint seemed strange, but it made sense when this kiss happened that Kuwei liked Jesper too.

But who even cares about Jesper and Wylan and Kuwei having some sort of love triangle, when the bathroom scene is coming up for Inej and Kaz. I don’t mean to push Jesper and Wylan’s relationship woes to the side, but oh my god. I swear, I was holding my breath while reading this bathroom scene. I felt like I was personally interrupting their moment every second that I was reading it, but also I needed to keep reading to see what would happen. Every touch was as nerve-wracking for me as it was for Kaz (ok maybe not, but still). And after all of that, after Kaz tells her the horrible things he did to the people who were in on Rollins’ plot that killed Jordie, she still sees the good in him. I cannot handle these two. Oh my god. These two are on a completely different level of pining. “If you ever cared about me at all, don’t follow.” Poor Inej, having to go from that intimate moment to watching Kaz be beaten and somehow win a fight with 20 people.

Sturmhond showing up made my life. The moment I read the words “fox-faced man” my whole body perked up. I was like “Hope. Don’t get too excited. Yes it’s probably him, but don’t get excited.” but when Kaz recognized him I actually squealed at the confirmation. Nikolai owns my heart. And so does Jesper now. So the little bit of dialogue those two shared made me actually kick my feet with joy. “Take me with you.” Honestly, these two together for a period of time longer than 1 minute would probably make the world explode. But oh, what I’d give for a Jesper and Nikolai buddy comedy...

When Leigh let us believe that everything was going wrong in the plan (Wylan telling Van Eck everything, the fake Council of Tides crashing the auction, Inez saying Kuwei has to die) only for us to find out that it was all really a part of the plan was just plain cruel. I was so upset. I guess it’s fitting, after all the things that really went wrong for them, they had to take a little bit more. But this is one of the few times that we the reader are completely left out of the plan, and it’s not just because we’re following the POV of someone who was left out of whatever specific part of the plan didn’t involve them. This time all the characters knew, but Leigh didn’t tell the reader. 

The way that Van Eck’s story and lies all just fell apart bit by bit was beautiful, though. Masterful. Kaz pretending to take Rollins’ son was almost cruel, but he was lying, so it’s ok. I was going to be horrified if he really did it though, but I was also thinking “When would he have had time to do all that anyway?”

Chapter 38. I had been spoiled before even starting the books that Matthais would die. And I had seen a YouTube comment that said “I can’t wait to see Nina and Matthais’ actors do Chapter 40.” I assumed his death happens in Chapter 40. So when I started Chapter 38, I assumed this would be the last time I’d read a chapter in Matthais’ POV. I was wrong of course.

But Matthais’ death gave me nearly the same feelings that Owen Harper’s first death in Torchwood did. It came out of nowhere, right when you think everything is solved and all that’s left to do is go home. Our beloved character talks calmly to the person with the gun, relates to them, tells them they’re more reasonable than to shoot, and then gets shot point blank anyway out of nowhere. “You don’t want to hurt me. I know. I was like you once.” is what Matthais said. “We’re both rational men, scientists. I know you don’t want to shoot her.” is what Owen said as he protected Martha. The main difference is that I wasn’t spoiled for Owen’s death, so it really blindsided me, but he also got revived shortly after. I was spoiled for Matthais’ death right down to the chapter it happens in, but his death was finite. 

And then I think we’re about to lose Kuwei, but Zoya’s able to save him. Matthais shows up, gives us a little hope that he might be ok (but I knew he wouldn’t), and dies in Nina’s arms. Nina attempting to resurrect him ALSO gave me Owen vibes, right down to the black eyes, but that resurrection didn’t stick. God. If I had known Matthais’ death would be so similar to Owen’s... no, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t tell if I’d have been better off knowing how much it would remind me of Owen ahead of time. Maybe it’s better I didn’t know of the similarities since that made the death worse, despite me knowing it was coming.

Chapter 40 still being in Matthais’ POV, right when I had come to terms ahead of time that Chapter 38 would be the last time I read his narration, came as a real shock. He’s with the wolves in heaven. Ahhhhh. Help. The friends not even knowing how he died makes it even worse.

“We were all supposed to make it.” That’s when I started to let tears fall. I’d really been fighting it. I was like “Hope. You knew this was coming when you started this series. You are fine. You’re fine.” and then Wylan says that and I’m like “I’m not remotely fine.” And Colm telling them to say their goodbyes, and Colm being himself and making me cry with every other line he said anyway, just made more tears fall as they walked up and said goodbye.

I’m glad Nina got Matthais’ share of the money. It breaks my heart that she now has to go and bury him. I’m excited to see what she does in King of Scars or Rule of Wolves (or both, I know she’s in at least one of them) since she’ll hopefully keep up Matthais’ dream of helping the Fjerdans accept Grisha. I was beyond proud of Jesper to be like “I shouldn’t hold that much money right now” and Kaz saying “That’s the right move, Jes” in approval. And of course, Colm and Jesper saying goodbye did nothing but make me cry MORE.

And here we go. The chapter that made me actually cry. Before this, it was just shedding tears and choking a sob or two. Inej’s final chapter made me actually sob and cry so hard that I could barely read the pages through the tears. Kaz really bought her a boat and named it after her. “I don’t know what to say.” “Say you’ll return.” just tear my heart out please.

But what really got the waterworks going was Kaz having Nikolai find Inej’s parents for her. God. The last time a book made me happy cry was The Color Purple, and it was a similar situation. Celie’s sister Nettie returns to her, and I had to fight not to cry when I finished that book while on the train. When I saw the musical version on broadway a few months later, I sobbed so hard with happiness that I cried through the finale, through the curtain call, and kept crying as I walked up the aisle and out the theater. I couldn’t handle how happy I was.

Inej being reuinited with her parents was Celie and Nettie all over again. Now that is some HIGH praise. The Color Purple is one of my favorite books. I cannot give any higher praise to Crooked Kingdom than to compare Inej’s reunion to Celie’s. 

And Kaz being a little concerned that he’d overstepped by doing it, then Inej insisting he come to meet them too was adorable. “Is my tie straight?” And her mom’s shock at finally seeing her daughter again, oh my god. I read this in bed last night at 3am. When that chapter finished, I put the book on my chest and just lied there and sobbed for a full minute. I couldn’t stop right away like I managed to do for the other cries. This cry had to come out and it had to take at least a little bit of time to run its course.

Of course, I’m glad that Inej got to ensure that Rollins never returns to Ketterdam, and I get that having Pekka have the last chapter is a parallel to Six of Crows, but I almost wish the book had just ended when Inej found her family.

I am at 4600 words and still not done, but it’s 2am so I’ll add more thoughts tomorrow evening.

...

That was all from late June. Fast forward almost a month, I’m finally adding to this post.

Something I was worried about when I first started reading Six of Crows was that there was colorism when casting Jesper. Reading that he was described as dark skinned and then looking at Kit Young, I felt a little bit... iffy about it. Because I know, as a mixed person, we get a lot of privilege in Hollywood and are often the only Black people in tv-shows and movies. We benefit from colorism, especially when it comes to mixed women, since light to medium skinned Black actors are often cast instead of dark skinned actors. I spent most of Six of Crows worried that they’d taken the Zemeni character of Jesper, who also happens to be the only Black character, and casted him with a mixed actor. I could tell while reading the book that Kit had played Jesper perfectly, which made me feel a little better, but I still had a bit of discomfort. I was worried it was Rue in the Hunger Games all over again.

However, once it’s hinted that Jesper’s father has some Kaelish heritage, and then we later meet Colm and he’s fully Kaelish with light skin and red hair, I felt much better. I actually felt overjoyed because Jesper was mixed exactly like me. I was relieved that casting Jesper with a mixed actor was not colorism, but a requirement for his character in order to be accurate. I was so relieved and also now I fiercely clung to Jesper as another example of representation for me. On that note, maybe they could have casted him with a darker skinned mixed actor, someone like Alfred Enoch for example, just to give dark skinned mixed people some more representation since Jesper is described as dark and Kit’s skintone is medium. But then again, Kit was definitely the perfect choice since he completely captured Jesper’s character and he said he really identified with Jesper’s mixed heritage being like his own. Basically, I’m very happy that Jesper is a mixed character played by a mixed race actor, and not another example of pure colorism in Hollywood (though that’s still a major issue). I really can’t even complain. I love Jesper and I love Kit’s portrayal.

Honestly, the casting in general for the show was really perfect. I might be biased since I saw the show first, but reading the book I was shocked at how perfectly cast they all were.

I am concerned though about Wylan. He is going to be very hard to cast. Or more accurately, Kuwei’s actor will be tough to cast and will have a very difficult job portraying 2 characters at once. And then I guess whoever gets cast as normal Wylan will have to just deal with barely appearing in Crooked Kingdom. Also, as for Wylan changing race to be disguised as Kuwei... I had some mixed feelings about it at first. I really was like “Leigh... what are you doing with this... be careful...” But then Wylan’s narrative showed him being unsure how to navigate the world looking like he’s Shu, having people come up to him speaking a language he doesn’t speak, and being treated differently because he looks foreign to them, especially since the Shu who were in Ketterdam didn’t have the best intentions. I appreciated that. I like that it opened Wylan’s eyes a bit more because he’d been so sheltered his whole life. Even after living in the Barrel and joining the Crows, there were still things he needed to be exposed to, like racism. So I’m glad the story went in that direction with his tailored face. I’m honestly more excited to see who is cast as Kuwei than who is cast as Wylan because Kuwei’s actor is going to have the more interesting performance. 

I REALLY enjoyed the Six of Crows duology. I sped through the two books in about 3 weeks (I think I read Crooked Kingdom in probably only a week). Honestly, I’m not speeding through King of Scars that same way. It’s a combination of my work life being very chaotic for the last few weeks, and me being so devastated that Nikolai’s back to having the shadow monster that I almost don’t want to read on. I was beyond devastated when that happened in Ruin and Rising, I thought he’d never be ok again, then I was relieved when it went away. Now that it’s back... I’m just incredibly sad every second that I read this book. I’m nearly halfway through the book though, after the same amount of time it took me to read both Crows books, so we’ll see where it goes.

But I could not put the Crows books down while I read them if you paid me. Literally. I read during every single lunch break at work and was probably a few minutes late coming back because I’d want to finish the page. I stayed up late reading and reading and reading the books. I read on the ferry, I read in the car, I read during times that I’d usually spend watching TV shows or movies. These books were amazing. They destroyed me emotionally, in both happy and sad ways. I can’t get over them. I can’t wait to see them brought to life in the show.

[octerminal]

I’ve talked before about how Nadia being Earthborn is the central reason she’s renegade leaning, but I really want to get into it again because I’ve been listening to Hadestown a lot recently and that always makes me think of Nadia because the musical touches on how traumatizing poverty is. And also just because, well, I always want to talk about Nadia.

But before I can do that, I have to talk about a few other things first.

(This is going to be niche and also super self-indulgent, but it’s my blog, so who cares. Note that because of what both Hadestown and the Earthborn background entail, this is going to get slightly political. But again, it’s my blog, so who cares.)

Generally speaking, Mass Effect has an issue with downplaying trauma. Ashley, Tali, Garrus, and James all go through the traumatic experience of being sole (or almost sole) survivors. Tali goes through this twice, because the comics show that before she even met Shepard she lost the team she’d been traveling with. (And that’s not even counting the fact she also loses a chunk of her team on Freedom’s Progress. They use this trope with her a lot.) Liara loses her mother in the first game and she has almost no reaction. Shepard dies in the beginning of the second game and spends the rest joking about it, with very few opportunities to express anything but humor over the situation.

People respond to trauma differently, and the game is also told primarily from Shepard’s point of view, so consequently we only see what Shepard sees. All of these characters likely grieved in private, and they definitely do carry scars (literal and figurative) from what they’ve gone through. But I also think that Mass Effect likes making characters go through objectively traumatic things without fully considering how someone might act coming out of it. In fairness, that’s the fun of fanfic, and I also do think everyone on the Normandy has some degree of experience in compartmentalizing because they simply don’t have the time to sit down with their feelings. (A lot of them are also just averse to doing this.)

But exploring that trauma is what I’m interested in the most, and that’s how I approached Nadia. Earthborn is my favorite background for that reason. It’s not a single event that’s shaped their life thereafter, but a sustained stressful environment they endure for years and only escape once they sign up with the Alliance. And in that regard, Nadia rather sees it as trading one cage for another, but that’s neither here nor there.

Like, to go back to Hadestown (I swear I’m not going to write Hadestown meta on this blog), “When the Chips are Down” is one of my favorite numbers because it so accurately describes Nadia’s response to poverty. “How can you expect me to care about another person and put their wellbeing above my own, when doing that will result in my own death? How can you expect me to trust another person, when that could result in my own death? How are you going to lecture me on having no morals when if I had prioritized morality, I never would have survived?” (This is something I love bouncing off Kaidan, but I’ll get to that later.)

In other words, and this is an incredibly obvious thing to say, poverty is traumatizing and violent. It is an incredibly violent thing to put another human being through, to make them worry for their basic safety, to live their day to day in a constant limbo of uncertainty that permeates every facet of their life. Will you be able to eat today? Will you be able to sleep in a safe environment? Can you trust this person you’ve never met? Will trusting them endanger what little safety you’ve managed to achieve? How much money do you have? How long can you make that money last? Where will you be tomorrow? How about the day after?

This is something that leaves its mark on anyone it touches. It’s hard enough for an adult to plan for the future when they don’t have the luxury of knowing how they’ll even survive the week; when you’re a child, and that sort of stress is all that you’ve known, how do you even imagine a better life when you’ve known nothing different?

Before I get any further, I want to pause for a moment. Something that’s always been curious to me are the codex entries for Earth. Here’s a portion of ME1′s codex:

Here’s a portion of ME3′s codex:

(Written transcripts of the complete codex entries at the links.)

In both of them, they talk about how humanity is in a new golden age. A lot of pollution and common diseases have been eliminated. The colonies have brought in more resources. There's even been some correction to the damage early climate change caused. Then the Fire Nation—I mean, Reapers, attacked and ruined all of this. Except, take a closer look at ME1′s codex:

“While every human enjoys longer and better life than ever, the gap between rich and poor widens daily. [...] Less fortunate regions have not progressed beyond 20th century technology, and are often smog-choked, overpopulated slums.”

This seems incompatible with the idea of Earth being in a golden age. How can Earth be thriving if the class disparity is growing, not narrowing? How can Earth be thriving if entire swaths are still "smog-choked” and using centuries old outdated technology?

It’s not incompatible if the idea is that Earth has entered a golden age only for the ones who can afford it. And this is the reality Earthborn Shepards were raised in: the idea that their suffering is an unimportant, insignificant underbelly to an otherwise “prospering” homeworld.

So, resuming with that in mind: the way Nadia sees it is that to allow poverty to exist is an inherent societal failure that reflects on the government. This is why Nadia has no loyalty to the Alliance, and why she doesn’t trust them. This is why she subsequently has no loyalty to the Council, and why she doesn’t trust them, either. It doesn’t matter that the Alliance and the Council weren’t personally responsible for her childhood, because they’re still governments. She knows that governments will lie and exploit and allow for people like her to fall through the cracks if it will benefit them. She knows they will broadcast only the best of what they have to offer while conveniently pretending people like her don’t exist.

Like, personal politics aside, as shown above with the codex entries, this is just...canon. And Thane’s loyalty highlights poverty on the Citadel through Mouse and the concept of “duct rats,” so we know that it exists there, too. How the Council presumably feels about poverty on their station is outlined if you speak to Avina on the Citadel in the second game:

AVINA: Asari futurists believe poverty cannot be eliminated without “cornucopia” technology, which will create anything the user desires. Such technology is unknown outside science fiction.

Essentially: yeah, unfortunately, poverty exists on the station, but what can you do? Believing poverty is avoidable is actually utopian and therefore unrealistic, sorry! 

But when you meet Anoleis on Noveria as Earthborn, he can literally tell you poverty doesn’t exist on Sur’Kesh. (And sure, he could be lying, and we have no proof either way. It doesn’t erase the fact that, at the very least, the existence of widespread poverty is something that even a corrupt and money embezzling salarian thinks is an easy jab.)

ANOLEIS: My homeworld is clean. Poverty is non-existent. If you take some perverse pride in that overheated, acid-washed slum, that is your business.

There’s nothing about the Alliance and poverty that I know of¹, which makes sense considering the main branch of the Alliance we see throughout the games is its military branch. There are still plenty of instances in the trilogy where the Alliance does exploit the vulnerable, or attempts to cover up their self-inflicted shortcomings. An obvious one is with Kaidan and Conatix; Kaidan literally tells you the Alliance is the one who “made mistakes.” That in their haste, they allowed a man to brutalize children for the sake of research. And when it backfired, they sealed the documents and pretended it never happened.

UNC: The Negotiation is one of my favorite ME1 missions for this reason, too—it highlights a part of the Alliance the series doesn’t really focus on otherwise. Darius tells you that the entire reason he’s operating in the region at all is because the Alliance is the one who set him up there. 

DARIUS: You see this gun? This is your gun. Your military set me up here, and now it wants to pretend it doesn’t know me! But I know the truth. The Alliance needed me here! So treat me with the respect I deserve!

SHEPARD: You said we set you up. Did the Alliance give you weapons?

DARIUS: After the batarians were driven out of the Verge, the Alliance wanted to stabilize the region. I had the strongest syndicate in the area. They gave me the weapons and money I needed to take over.

After the mission, Hackett implies the entire reason he sent renegade Shepard to cover a diplomatic negotiation is because he expected and wanted them to kill Darius, because he was now more trouble than he was worth.

HACKETT: I’m sorry that you were unable to negotiate with Darius peacefully. His death is regrettable. Nevertheless, the resulting chaos will create a power vacuum that makes future raids upon our miners unlikely.

SHEPARD: You didn’t think I’d negotiate with him. You wanted me to kill him.

HACKETT: Sometimes extreme measures must be taken to ensure humanity’s safety. Or did you think you were the only one willing to break the rules to get the job done?

(Link, so you can watch the mission yourself.)

None of this is me saying the Council and the Alliance have no redeemable features whatsoever, or that they have never contributed positively to galactic wellbeing. It’s just me citing instances in canon that support why Nadia has the opinion she does of them, and why she’s not exactly incorrect in having them. 

So, to loop this back around to Kaidan? As I said, he’s not a stranger to government-level negligence. But Kaidan had a much different reaction than Nadia did, and this is something that absolutely fascinates her once she finds out.

Before that, though: the two of them don’t really hit it off in the beginning—though they’re both still professional—and this is mainly due to Nadia being, well, Nadia. She is not a people person and she never tries to be, which consequently makes her off-putting to most people. On her end, she’s generally unimpressed and uninterested in the people around her. She sees a lot of them as puzzles to be solved and then to move on from, or threats to assess.² The rare times someone does pique her interest enough to act on it, she still prefers to not linger around for long. So, you know, just general unhealthy behavior.

So, Eden Prime is illuminating for them both. Like, on Kaidan’s end: Nadia comes off as callous. She doesn’t care about the colonists, she doesn’t care about Jenkins’ death. On Nadia’s end: Kaidan comes off as naive. How has he been a marine for this long and she has to tell him to suck it up after someone dies? (This is one of the reasons why she didn’t want to work with regular marines again; in my canon, Anderson had to needle her³ into accepting the Normandy position.)

But the truth of it is that the reason Nadia comes off as callous is because she’s thoroughly desensitized. Like, when you grow up poor, on the streets, and in a gang? You’re both witnessing and being put through a lot of traumatizing situations. Akuze, of course, only adds onto this. There’s this one dialogue option in the beginning of the second game when Miranda and Jacob are assessing Shepard’s memory, and while Nadia doesn’t take this option in canon, it is how she feels:

JACOB: You enlisted, and you survived a thresher maw attack that wiped out the rest of your team. Do you remember that?

SHEPARD: Yeah, I remember it. Everyone screaming, gunfire, blood everywhere. I was the only one focused on survival.

Paragon Shepard focuses entirely on the other marines: how they were their friends, how something like that can destroy you if you let it.

Renegade Shepard barely thinks of anyone else at all. There were fifty other marines on Akuze, and renegade Shepard thinks they survived simply because they were the only one focused on it. For Nadia, that’s because that’s what her entire life has already been until that point.

Look, there are a lot of different ways to play renegade; it runs a much larger gamut than paragon, in my opinion. Nadia is more of a neutral renegade. She’s not particularly bigoted, just dispassionate and apathetic⁴. She resorts to violence and intimidation because it’s the easiest way to control her surroundings, not because she thinks what she’s doing is particularly righteous⁵. This can get brought up in Samara’s loyalty when talking with Morinth:

MORINTH: Violence is the surest expression of power.

SHEPARD: Violence is a means to an end. Power is that end.

Like, Nadia is a person who’s had to live a life surrounded by violence, not because it’s what she initially chose, but because it was repeatedly inflicted on her. She didn’t have the luxury of nursing her compassion and generosity, or of prioritizing morality. Those things would’ve gotten her killed. What she focused on instead was survival: the best way to survive, the easiest way to survive, the way that consistently ensured her own safety. This meant violence, and in order to survive, she became very good at inflicting violence.

That’s what I meant when I said Nadia thinks she traded one cage for another: the Alliance wasn’t freedom in the truest sense; she’s still doing what she ultimately would’ve done if she had remained with the Reds⁶. She’s just doing it with government approval and a steadier paycheck. She knows she’s still being used, and it’s only who’s using her that’s changed. All that’s to say, she isn’t an N7 ranked infiltrator because she feels strongly about protecting Alliance space and dirtying her hands to do it. She’s an N7 ranked infiltrator because it’s simply what she’s good at.

One of my favorite renegade lines in the entire trilogy is during Thane’s loyalty because it perfectly highlights Nadia’s philosophy on her situation:

SHEPARD: Your father and I have killed a lot of people. You haven’t. There’s no reason you should start.

To Nadia, her life is what it is because of the circumstances she was raised in and the decisions she made in response to that. She doesn’t deflect blame for the sort of person she’s become; she holds herself the correct amount of responsible.

She kills people for the Alliance, she kills people for the Council, she kills people for Cerberus. Other Shepards might dress it up differently when death is unavoidable: “it’s a shame, but it was necessary,” said along with the appropriate amount of guilt. Or: they were a terrorist, they were a mercenary, they forced my hand. To Nadia, it’s all death, and there’s no inherent difference between killing someone “to protect humanity” (read: protect the Alliance’s interests) or killing someone “to protect the galaxy” (read: protect the Council’s interests) and simply killing someone in a situation paragon Shepards would deem unnecessary. And to Nadia, if you haven’t had to live a life like this—why start? You still have other options. Use them.

One thing I love about Hadestown is how it discusses the simple accessibility of being able to live your life, let alone live it virtuously. Like whether or not I agree with that, it’s an interesting thing to explore, and it gets brought up multiple times:

“When you’re hungry and there ain’t enough to go round / ain’t no length to which a girl won’t go / [...] and sometimes you think / you would do anything / just to fill your belly full of food” 

“See how the vipers and vultures surround you / and they’ll take you down, they’ll pick you clean / if you stick around such a desperate scene / see, people get mean when the chips are down” 

“Aim for the heart / shoot to kill / if you don’t do it, then the other one will / [...] nobody’s righteous / nobody’s proud / nobody’s innocent / now that the chips are down” 

“Go ahead and lay the blame / talk of virtue / talk of sin / wouldn’t you have done the same? / in her shoes / in her skin / you can have your principles when you’ve got a belly full” 

“I did what I had to do / that’s what they did too” 

“Some flowers bloom / where the green grass grows / our praise is not for them / but the ones who bloom in the bitter snow” 

Again, I’m not going to meta about Hadestown⁷ and the precise context for these verses are different in that canon (for starters, Eurydice never kills anyone), but the concept is similar: when you’re poor, you’re often driven to desperate measures to survive. Sometimes that means stepping over other people, or otherwise ignoring how your actions will affect them. Often, this is to your own detriment. And it’s really, really easy to cast judgment on the poor people driven to these decisions when you were never in their position. It’s really easy to just live when you’re not in a situation where you had to worry about your survival on a day-by-day basis.

I bring up Hadestown because it’s a nice conduit to explain Nadia’s issues. She’s not renegade because she thinks she’s on a crusade and anyone who gets in her way is acceptable collateral damage. She’s renegade because her survival depended on it, and as Sha’ira points out, it’s what has allowed her continual survival:

“I see your skin, tough as the scales of any turian. Unyielding. A wall between you and everyone else. But it protects you, makes you strong. That strength is what kept you alive when everyone else around you was dying. You alone survived. You will continue to survive.”

For her to survive her childhood, she had to step over other people and put herself first. This meant not allowing herself to get close to other people, and to not care about them beyond what they can give her to ensure her own survival.

And this is why Kaidan interests her. Kaidan’s response to brain camp wasn’t to minimize the importance of his morality, it was to double down on it. (Yes, partially to his own detriment, but that’s a different post.) His response wasn’t to distrust others, because after all, one of his defining characteristics is his compassion. It’s just that Kaidan’s inclined to troubleshoot everything, even his interactions with other people. He might be “once burned, twice shy” but he’s not going to be “once burned, byedon’tfollowmeI’mgoingtorelyonlyonmyselfforever.”

Like, he still wants to help...

SHEPARD: So why are you telling me this? Are you saying I’m cutting corners somewhere?

KAIDAN: I’m saying...it’s probably inevitable that we’ll have to. And when that happens, I want to help you. When someone important to you is up on a ledge, you help them. Keep them from mistakes better made by a kid.

SHEPARD: I’m a big girl, Alenko. I don’t need your help.

KAIDAN: I didn’t say you needed it, I said I’m offering it.⁸

...even though his desire to help (because he cares, because he thinks it’s the right thing to do) is precisely what led to the culmination of his trauma.

KAIDAN: He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn’t know what I was gonna do...just, something.

He figures out what went wrong and tries to avoid repeating that mistake. He doesn’t just stop trying at all. He doesn’t lose his faith in having faith.

It’s antithetical to how Nadia responded to her own circumstances, and she can’t quite process the logic behind...why you would be this way. It’s not that she expects everyone to be like her. She’s seen a lot of different people traumatized, and consequently a lot of different ways people have reacted to trauma. It’s more like: “fool me once” is enough for Nadia. There are no second chances after that. She sees no point in ruminating over why something went wrong. Just accept that it did. (Or don’t, but never think about it, anyway.) She thinks living any other way is akin to, I don’t know, laying down in a snake pit right after one just bit you. Stupid, in other words.

(I should also clarify: this is mainly when it concerns people. She will troubleshoot when it comes to things like tech.)

Like, I’ve joked about this to a friend, but when Nadia first reads Kaidan’s file⁹ her impression is: alright, boy scout. Then she actually meets him and she thinks her assessment was more or less spot on, and she loses whatever vestiges of interest his file did manage to leave despite its otherwise boy-scouty-ness. 

But the thing is, Kaidan isn’t naive. He chooses to have the faith he has in the Alliance despite what they’ve put him through. He’s acutely aware that the Alliance is capable of mistakes, because he’s been on the receiving end of it—yet he still wants to help and feels that as a biotic, the Alliance is his best avenue to do that:

KAIDAN: I’m not looking for “the dream.” I just want to do some good. See what’s out here. 

KAIDAN: Commander, I thought real hard about how to use my talents. When I swore the oath to defend the Alliance, it wasn’t on a whim.

Like, Nadia thinks Kaidan giving his loyalty to the Alliance is a stupid reaction, yes (in fairness, Nadia thinks loyalty to organizations in general is stupid), but it still fascinates her precisely because Kaidan has some semblance of an idea of what the Alliance’s negligence can and has caused, and yet he still continues to put his faith in them. Kaidan hasn’t had the easiest life¹⁰, but instead of closing himself off, his reaction was to give the Alliance a second chance, to still place his faith in others, all because he still wanted to do some good.

It’s not what Nadia has done, and she can’t say she understands it, but realizing that Kaidan isn’t the ignorant boy scout she pegged him as goes a long way when it comes to the development of their relationship. (For instance: it allows the relationship to develop at all, lmao.) And the development of their relationship is one of the early domino pieces in a long line of dominoes that sets Nadia down a much healthier path.¹¹

~

¹ We do know, however, that the Alliance does offer to pay college/university tuition in exchange for serving with them in some capacity, thanks to conversations with Traynor and Ashley.

² You know that one Iron Bull banter with Cole where he talks about how one of the first things he does when he meets a new person is to figure out the best way to kill them? Yeah, that’s Nadia.

³ This is because Anderson’s brain is huge, and he understood no one can forever live life the way Nadia was living hers unless they’re a death seeker.

⁴ One of the most in character renegade lines in the trilogy is, once again, during Thane’s loyalty (a big reason why it’s one of my favorites: it’s really, really good Nadia content) when you choose the first renegade check during the interrogation. Shepard sounds so bored, so matter-of-fact. That’s the kind of renegade Nadia is.

⁵ This is probably worse to some people compared to “hard” renegade, since at least “hard” renegade can genuinely believe in what they’re doing, even if others consider it evil. Fortunately, I don’t care.

⁶ I don’t really think she killed anyone during her time with the Reds. (Or, if she did, it was only one person and it would’ve been near the end of her time with them.) I think they primarily used her for cybercrime. She still would’ve witnessed and been expected to participate in a lot of beatings, etc. And, as previously said, had she stayed with the Reds I do think this would’ve ultimately progressed into her killing for them, too.

⁷ Though if you enjoy criticisms of capitalism, an exploration into the traumatizing effects of poverty, and an ultimately hopeful message that meaningful change is possible even when everyone is conditioned to believe it’s not, I recommend giving it a listen. It’s easy to follow along through audio alone, but you can find a low quality bootleg pretty easily, too. (Be warned that some of the songs will differ from the official album recording, though.)

⁸ If the remaster brings better lighting to Kaidan’s little hub area and doesn’t hideously whitewash him like in ME3, this is absolutely one of the first things I’m going to gif because it’s one of my favorite moments in the entire romance.

⁹ Nadia reads the files of everyone she’s going to work with, not because she’s particularly interested in them, but because she wants to know what level of incompetency to expect.

¹⁰ Unrelatedly: ask me about my headcanon about how disgustingly rich Kaidan’s family is, and how much Nadia wants to kill him when she finds this out.

¹¹ This is absolutely not saying love, romantic or otherwise, cures her lifetime worth of unpacked trauma.

[blog-sliverofjade]

Hearth Fires 15: Conflicted

Pairing: Remi Denier x OFC

Summary:  Lorel Maddox just wants to live as a human, run her bakery in peace, and forget. Unfortunately, the alpha of the local leopard pack has very different ideas.

Remi Denier doesn’t know what to make of the female changeling who wants nothing to do with him or the RainFire pack. He does know that he has a driving need to protect her. Even if it’s from herself.

While they’re embroiled in a battle of wills, there’s a war brewing on the horizon. The outside threat could not only destroy everything they hold dear, but tear apart the fragile new bonds of the Trinity Accord, plunging the world into bloodshed to rival the Territorial Wars of centuries past.

Word count: 3685

Hearth Fires Masterlist

Beta read by the precious @pandabearer​

          The small, green valley was thrown into early twilight by the forested mountains that protected the Arrow settlement.  The children were playing their hearts out, as if trying to eke out that much more life before the day’s end.  Judd Lauren, inarguably a lethal blade of a man, made a mix of cubs, pups, and psy give chase before allowing them to swarm him.  Remi shook his head; he was still amazed that the assassin was capable of laughter, let alone could play with children with such care.

       “I’ve asked around and a couple of other packs around the country are experiencing the same issues, mostly in places where there was already anti-psy sentiment.  Word is they’re running militia training camps,” he said to the man who led some of the most dangerous people in the world.  “Have the psy been having similar problems?” 

      Before Aden could answer, a baby leopard bounded up to bat playfully at Remi’s boots, tail swishing back and forth.  He scooped up the cub for a tap on the nose and a quick cuddle before sending her off to rejoin the game.

       “No,” Aden answered when they were alone again, watching his wife clean up the aftermath of a sugar-fuelled feeding frenzy.  Even though Halloween was still a few weeks off, Zaira had brought candy; the cubs and pups enthusiastically introduced their psy playmates to the concept of Halloween and trick-or-treating.  Remi suspected she didn’t grasp the concept of the holiday and was just using it as an excuse to spoil the children.  Heaven knew the baby Arrows could certainly do with the occasional spoiling, and she knew that better than anyone.

      Envy sank its claws into him.  The Arrow pair weren’t mated in the changeling sense, yet they had an unbreakable bond that was obvious even to the non-telepathic races.  He yearned to know what it was like to be so intimately connected with someone who suited him on every level.  A predatory changeling alpha needed a mate by his side, someone who knew when to bend and when to show their claws, someone who would help their pack grow and thrive.  He wanted someone he could trust enough to let his guard down and just be.  No duties, not dominant, not alpha, just Remi.

      Compared to most alphas, he’d taken some time to wake up to his alpha instincts.  Once that need overrode his reservations, he’d gone about it with the laser-like focus of an apex predator. However, there were some aspects he hadn’t anticipated.  At first, some of the women tried to climb the hierarchy by climbing into his bed.  He’d shut that down right away, making it crystal clear that intimate skin privileges between packmates would in no way impact one’s position either positively or negatively.

      Ever since then, he’d been sure to never pay too much attention to any one partner when his need for intimate skin privileges grew too much.  He’d inherited too many of his father’s traits that had turned dark after his mother passed.  He would be driven to take and possess a lover entirely, demanding complete sexual submission.  Dominant changeling women weren’t exactly known for their surrendering natures, and any paramour he took would have to be dominant.  Any other personality would be crushed by him simply being who he was.  The fragile equilibrium of the new pack couldn’t handle such an imbalanced relationship.

      A submissive couldn’t fight against a dominant, especially against sexual aggression from someone in a position of power; it was against their very nature.  And he would slit his own throat before he shed the blood of any of his people, before he turned into the monster that stalked his darkest nightmares.  He’d simply come to accept that being alone was the price he had to pay in exchange for the family he’d built.

      “On top of that, we’ve had a perimeter breach in the eastern and northern sectors.”  The second occurrence had been reported when Remi’d been arguing with Lorelei; he’d had to see her safely home before going to investigate.  He’d bullied her into shifting to her other form by threatening to throw her over his shoulder and carrying her if she didn’t.  The obstinate ocelot went into the change still wearing his shirt.  His scent, already coating her in a superficial layer from wearing his tee, spread more evenly on her body when the fabric inevitably disintegrated.  That had satisfied something primal, deep below the conscious level.

      Coming of age in a brutal pack had irreparably changed him.  He managed the violence that lived in him by directing it at those who would harm his people, but those same drives darkened to a sexual hunger when it came to her.  He was rapidly becoming addicted to her.  Unfortunately, his drug of choice was touch averse, specifically his touch.  He hated the loss of control, feeling like a juvenile fresh from his first kill again.  The pack needed him to keep his head on his shoulders, not lose it sniffing after a female.

      “You’re getting harder,” Tien had said as he’d driven her home.  It wasn’t a criticism: it was concern from one packmate to another.  His touch hunger was already causing friction and there weren’t enough mated pairs at the higher end of the hierarchy to counteract the instability.  And the only person he wanted to sate that need with was dividing his attention.

      “She’s a liability.”  If they thought he wasn’t doing right by the pack, especially if he was focused on an outsider to their detriment, he’d soon be facing challenges, and that would tear them apart when they were already facing outside dangers.  

      “Not everyone’s built for combat, that doesn’t mean they have nothing to contribute.”  She misinterpreted his flat statement and defended the submissive, an arch statement reminding him that neither end of the power hierarchy was worth more or less than the other.   That was what maternals did, protective in their own way.

      He knew that better than most.  Lorelei’s strength shone whenever she was in the same room with him; annoying as it was, he respected the hell out of her for standing up to him.  What his father had forgotten, or perhaps never known, was that strength wasn’t always physical; a person’s value couldn’t be calculated in terms of how much blood they could shed.  He would never understand how his father could have treated their most physically vulnerable as unworthy of respect.  It ultimately led to his downfall.

      “That’s not what I meant, Tien,” he’d growled, hands tightening on the manual controls until the wheel groaned in protest.  “She poses a security risk.  I never should have let her so deep into our territory.”  They had changed the site of the autumn barbecue at the last minute to one more distant from where they made their homes at the heart of their land.  But with several non-predatory changelings disappearing in the area recently, his instincts were driving him to keep his people protected deep within their territory and ban anyone who wasn’t fully allied with RainFire. 

      Changelings of any stripe needed freedom; too many restrictions, even if they were for protection, stifled them.  The proper balance of safety and freedom gave cubs a firm foundation and the safety to develop their strength and personalities.  It was an alpha’s honour to ensure cubs have what they need to flourish, not crush them by keeping them tightly confined without room to grow.

      “She’s a baker, hardly a master spy.  What’s she going to do?  Steal Avery’s cheesecake recipes?” she’d scoffed.  “What she is, is scared.  I don’t think she knows how to stop protecting herself; it’s why she’s short-tempered.”

      Remi had a different interpretation on that.  He’d kept his reservations about her stability to himself, not even warning his sentinels.  That was the true risk she posed: he was already keeping secrets from the soldiers who shed their blood in defense of RainFire because he wanted to protect an outsider when all his energies should be focused on safeguarding his people, not divided between them and a woman he couldn’t have.

      When she went feral, and there was no doubt in his mind that she would if she didn’t learn to balance her two aspects, he would be the one to take her down.  It would be his responsibility because he would have failed both her and his pack, which meant he could not permit that outcome to come to pass.

      “Physical reconnaissance?”  The question wrenched Remi from his musings.

      “Seems like,” he said grimly.  They still hadn’t been able to pinpoint who was behind the incursions and it was maddening.  A stray breeze blew his hair back into his face and he shoved it back with one hand; he needed a haircut otherwise he’d soon need hair ties.

      “I could have the squad monitor for any related activity, although the possibility of finding any evidence is minute.”  A smile lit up Aden’s face as he watched his mate attempting to settle a squabble between a cub and a baby Arrow with cool logic.

      “Don’t waste manpower, but I’d appreciate any intel passed our way.”  The elite military unit protected the heart and conscience of the psy race: the empaths.  Aden would never sacrifice their greater mission for RainFire’s sake; it was an unspoken understanding between the two men.  Despite their differences, they both had an adamantine core of integrity, and both had been forged in crucibles of the cruellest kind.  “I’ll send the info on the missing changelings.”  

      A wolf couple roaming in the area had disappeared sometime over the past week; he’d only known because they’d failed to check in during the window of time they said they would be leaving as arranged when they’d asked for permission to be in his territory.  Two of the most powerful Tk’s he knew, one of them a true teleporter, had already tried to teleport to the two missing, using their faces as a lock and both had failed, which meant that they had either been disfigured or were dead.

      Normally spending time with the cubs soothed even his worst moods, yet today it sat uneasily on him that he was on a playdate instead of searching for the wolves; his overdeveloped drive to protect was punishing him.  Logically, he knew that the children needed to play with their friends before the semi-monthly gatherings would be disrupted by the holiday season.  The pups and cubs were more flexible and would be fine until the new year; it was the psy who needed the foundation of routine, and even though they weren’t his in the strictest sense, it wasn’t in him to hurt a child, no matter how obliquely.  

      Aden Kai, a scary motherfucker who could create an impregnable shield that could deflect bullets back along their trajectories, smiled, hard eyes softening as Zaira climbed the rise towards them.  A faint line between her brows was the only indication of her apparent puzzlement, and held up two identical cups.

      “Tavish and Jasper are in disagreement over who gets the blue cup.  These are both blue.  I’m not familiar with Logan’s medical history, but no visual impairments were noted at Owen’s last physical.”

      Remi’s shoulders shook with laughter as the two lethal Arrows looked to him for advice, perplexed.  If only all of his problems were simply bickering cubs.

 FROM: Zayaan Derici <email redacted>

TO: Lorel Maddox <email redacted>

October 15, 2083  2:30PM

Subject: RE: Fion and Mila Caine, RedRock

       I cannot express my gratitude for your parents saving my life from our rogue member nor can I convey the depth of sorrow I’ve carried with me all these years, yet I know that it’s merely a drop compared to your loss.

       Your parents were fine, courageous people.  If you would like to know the details of what happened, I will gladly provide them, but I didn’t want to burden you with the knowledge before you were ready.

       I’m ashamed that I didn’t look for you; I’d forgotten they had a little girl.  Please forgive me, you would have been “a baby” in my 10-year-old mind.  When I was older, I tried to find their relatives, but RedRock’s records were destroyed in a fire that night.  I was astonished when your alpha reached out to me and elated when I received your email.

       You may wish to move on and not re-visit this tragedy.  I would not fault you for that, but I hope to hear from you again.  I’ve attached a picture of my two cubs, Fiona and Mila; they are named after your parents.

       Gratefully yours,

       Devon Gutierrez

        Two days passed without incident: no ultimatums, earth-shattering maxims, moments of bloodthirsty madness, and definitely no arguments with a certain autocratic leopard.  One would think that would be restful, and yet, no matter how many times she gave herself a firm talking to, Lorel found herself restive.

      The longing she felt for him was stronger than mere lust, which was something she’d more or less dealt with on her own since puberty.  It was like her very skin ached for touch and without it, she felt untethered from the earth, like she didn’t exist without tactile contact to anchor her.  His touch had fanned her ever-present hunger to a voracious need that kept her awake at nights no matter how many times she used her battery-operated boyfriend.

      Lorel was grateful that Irena, who was across the workspace from her, didn’t appear to have the same sense of smell that cat changelings had, otherwise she’d never be able to look her in the eye again.

      “Irena, could you please pass me the passionfruit?”

      “Depends, will you get me that gorgeous cat’s number?” she asked, handing over the bowl with a mischievous grin.

      “I don’t think he’s looking,” she shook her head with a rueful smile and began to cut the purple fruit.

      “Damn.  Wouldn’t mind getting eaten by a cat, if you know what I mean.”  Looking up briefly from the sugar cookies she was cutting out, she waggled perfectly manicured eyebrows.  This week’s designs were ghosts, pumpkins, and witches’ hats.

      “Irena!”  Her knife slipped and juice squirted down her apron.

      The crow laughed gaily at Lorel’s shock, the sound filling the kitchen.  It was still early and they were preparing for the day; they didn’t have to worry about scandalizing customers yet.

      “Can I ask you a personal question?” she asked once she’d recovered from the embarrassment.  “And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, I will make sure you get all the early morning shifts during the holiday season.”  She jabbed a warning finger at Irena; SweetCheeks would have to start baking at 3 am, two hours earlier than usual, to meet projected seasonal demand.

      She shuddered and nodded acquiescence, waiting for Lorel to continue. 

      “Do alphas, or wing leaders,” she added, remembering the avian-specific term Irena used, “have certain… expectations of packmates?”

      “Uh, depends on the person and the needs of the flight, or pack.”  Her dark brows drew together when she looked up briefly from the dough.

      “No, I mean single pack members.”

      “What, you mean like one of them cults where the guy in charge sleeps with all the women?  No, that is not normal.  I won’t say it’s never happened, but people can be evil.”  Hazel eyes aghast, she shook her head furiously.  “I haven’t heard anything like that about RainFire, and we’re on good terms with them.”

      Lorel had not only heard of instances of alphas becoming corrupt and taking advantage of those they were meant to care for, she’d also been forced to watch documentaries on them.  Ostensibly, it was to protect her from becoming a victim of the depraved culture of changeling packs.  While she didn’t think that authoritarianism was the default culture of packs, neither had she known exactly how abhorrent such occurrences were considered among changelings.  She could smell Irena’s scent sour at the thought despite the competing aromas coming from the ovens.

      Face warming, Lorel sketched in with broad strokes what had taken place in the woods the week before, never looking up from her work.

      “Kissing between packmates is usually more like kissing a sibling.  That sounds more like he’s looking for intimate skin privileges,” frowned Irena.

      The kiss between them had been the farthest thing from that.  It had been wild and sensual and like nothing she had ever experienced before.  When she woke from fitful dreams in the bits of sleep she did manage to get, she swore that she could still taste him on her lips.

      “And if there was a misunderstanding, like someone thought he was abusing his position as alpha?”  The words he’d used were imprinted in her brain, they’d been so full of restrained fury.  Once the hormones and adrenaline had faded, she’d nearly thrown up she’d been so disgusted with herself.  Conflict of any kind usually left her feeling deeply discomfited, or at least it did whenever her ocelot wasn’t complicating matters with its temper.  And it was always worst when she was in the wrong.

      “You did not,” winced Irena.  “In that case, I’d say it’s a damn good thing you’re not in the pack yet because his pride will not take that well.”  Eyes wide, she shook her head and blew out a breath, golden-brown cheeks puffing up.

      “He said I was ‘touch hungry.’  How was I supposed to know it wasn’t just a line?  Like when doctors used to say, ‘I diagnose you woman, the cure is medically induced orgasms’!” she threw her hands in the air in frustration, sending green bits of pulp flying, even as she pinked at her own words.  In fact, she was pretty sure that was the first time she’d ever uttered the word “orgasms” aloud; Chloe and Irena were definitely bad influences on her.

      Giggling, Irena pressed the back of her forearm to her forehead.  Since her hands were covered in flour and bits of dough, it was the equivalent of clapping a hand over her face.

      “Flights- packs, whatever- are good for that, and no, I am not talking about group sex,” she said once she had breath again, sniffing back tears of mirth.  “Mind you, some of those cats…” she trailed off with a slyly speculative expression.  “Anyhoo, there’s different skin privileges between packmates, family, and lovers.  Any might help alleviate touch hunger, but all the hugs in the world won’t cut it if you’re in dire need of a good dicking.”

      “Do you enjoy making me blush?” Lorel mock glared.

      “Yep,” she chirped unrepentantly.  “One of these days I expect to see blood spurt out of your nose like in anime.”  She waggled a hand near her face to mimic a spray of blood.  Lorel flicked a passionfruit pit at the crow who giggled and batted the airborne seed towards the sink where it landed with a plink.  “If he’s offering as a packmate, there’s no strings attached.  It’s just fulfilling each other’s need.  You set your own boundaries when it comes to skin privileges, all you have to do is say no and they’ll back off entirely.  If he wants a relationship, that’s a whole nother kettle of wax, and I don’t know what big cats are like.  Now if it was a corvid, I could give you a crash course.”

      “How can I tell?”

      “Ask him,” she said, hands spread wide, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

      Lorel stared at her like she was speaking another language. 

      “Communication?  You know, the basis of all healthy relationships?” 

      Unsure how to respond to that, Lorel busied herself with straining the passionfruit pulp.  She’d had few healthy relationships and even fewer romantic relationships, none of which had qualified as healthy.

      “Lorel, are you a virgin?”  Irena tilted her head in a way that was distinctly not human.

      “No!”  Her voice was so high it could have shattered glass.  Then, in a calmer register, but not looking up, “Not technically.  Besides, I don’t think he even wants to look at me; I’m half-surprised he hasn’t given up and banished me entirely.”  Inexplicably, the thought made her chest ache till it felt like she couldn’t breathe.  “I haven’t known him very long, but I feel like he’s mine.”  This last she whispered to herself, confounded by the sudden realization.  She hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t even known she was thinking it until the words tumbled out.

      Irena crossed the workspace to enfold Lorel with a hug, face set with lines of sympathy.  Instincts told her to maintain her guard, to hold some part of herself back, but she was so tired that after a moment she released the tension she carried.  Slowly wrapping her arms around the crow, she laid her head on the taller woman’s shoulder and breathed in the scent of friend, allowing herself to relax.

      Lorel made acquaintances easily, but she’d never clicked as deeply as she had with the friends she’d made in the short time she’d been there.  She’d always kept herself apart to protect the people around her from the violent madness she’d seen as an inevitability.

      To hold that at bay, she lived by rigid rules to keep her other half, the one ruled by needs and emotions, under control.  Being good and demure and all the things she was taught to be had gained her nothing, certainly not the approval of her grandparents; if anything, it put her more at risk of going rogue, if Remi was to be believed.

      Now she knew differently because he was trying to show her a different way.  He’d never demand that she silence herself or hide her wildness, on the contrary, he challenged her to embrace it.  Such an attitude was a stark contrast to the people she’d called family for so long.  He didn’t know that she would have to give up everything she’d ever known, including the people who raised her.

[icanthelpbut-love-you]

three hearts beating under my roof

read on ao3

Magnus probably looks like an idiot. He’s walking down the streets of New York, a dopey smile breaking through every so often before he stifles it, only to catch himself smiling widely again as soon as his attention shifts even slightly.

By rights Madzie should be the one with the dorky grin on her face after wheedling permission for sprinkles (despite Alec’s half-hearted protests). But instead, she walks quietly between them, contently licking at her ice cream, and Magnus is the one standing there beaming every few seconds.

He can’t help it. One would think, after all these months, he would stop being quite so surprised by Alec. As if he ever could be though, when Alec has evidently made it his mission to see Magnus become the first warlock in recorded history to go into cardiac arrest.

A family.

God, it’s thrown him for an absolute loop. The fact that Alec wants that with him is unbelievable enough, but what’s really shaken Magnus is the way he said it. As though it’s no big deal. As though he hasn’t just casually brought Magnus’ entire world screeching to a stop. By the way it just slipped out without a second thought it’s clearly something he’s thought about before, though it’s not at all like the first time he told Magnus he loved him or either time he asked to move in. In those cases he’d been obviously building to something in the minutes preceding, the conversation clearly geared towards a purpose and Alec shiftily skirting the point while gathering his courage. Alec is just about the least subtle person Magnus knows, so by now Magnus has at least started to be able to identify the signs that Alec is preparing himself to say something that will sweep Magnus’ feet from under him. It doesn’t make whatever confession follows any less earth-shattering, but it does give Magnus some valuable forewarning to allow him to brace himself a little.

But this? This had been an off-handed comment, and all the more devastating for it. Just a matter-of-fact observation, never mind the implication that starting a family with Magnus is something Alec casually thinks about. The utter certainty that had been palpable in the words is just another thing that Magnus is in no way equipped to deal with.

It’s probably not even a long-term kind of thought, he realises, toeing a line uncomfortably close to hysteria. Shadowhunters marry young and start popping out little shadowhunter babies as soon as possible before one of them can be taken out by a demon in some doubtless unsavoury manner. So if this is something Alec has been thinking about… he’s more than likely thinking not-so-distant future.

It should make him feel stifled, or at the very least a little skittish. Magnus is by no means averse to commitment (quite the opposite, it doesn’t really need to be said at this point that he falls harder and faster than is often advisable), but there’s always a lingering fear that he’ll come on too strong or let too much vulnerability show and get tossed to the gutter without a second glance. It’s a fear he’s starting realise is definitely irrational given how much Alec seems to be coming on just as strong, but centuries of failed relationships and lovers citing Magnus being ‘too much’ as the reason leaves its mark.

But somehow this makes him feel anything but stifled. Alec’s words have his face warming, blushing like the lovesick teenager he hasn’t been in countless years, giddiness making his head spin like the pleasant buzz of a few too many martinis.

He’d meant it, when he said to Alec that he’d never even considered being a father. He has the young downworlders he’s taken under his wing over the years and that was enough for him. Even without the underlying terror that despite his best efforts he’d take after his own father and irreparably damage any children unfortunate enough to be saddled with him, actual fatherhood simply not something he’d let himself think he could have. Sure the modern era is different in so many ways from the centuries preceding it, the latest decade in particular bringing with it scientific possibilities previously inconceivable. It’s just taking Magnus, and most warlocks he knows, a little longer to catch up.

Even Catarina, with her front row seat to the wonders of modern medicine, is the first to admit that before Madzie she’d never really thought kids were in the cards for her. For crying out loud, at the turn of the century even adoption was practically out of the question for anyone but the select few who fit the rigid mould of what a perfect nuclear family should look like. And sure, abandoned warlock babies turn up – it’s an inevitable tragedy once their mundane parents notice their mark – but with a few rare exceptions that usually goes one of two ways: being taken in by the Silent Brothers and eventually palmed off to a warlock mentor (as was the case for Magnus), or bouncing from warlock to warlock in an it-takes-a-village kind of arrangement. Warlocks aren’t exactly known for settling down, after all. Neither option is particularly conducive for a stable childhood or any strong familial ties, hence why both the idea of found family and that of foregoing human connection entirely are equally prevalent and vie for popularity in the community.

When you live for so long, Magnus has found that it’s incredibly easy to fall intp old patterns of thinking without really noticing. It’s hard to shake centuries of assuming you can never father a child, especially when the idea is so deeply entrenched in warlock culture that it’s almost a point of identity. Bastard demon fathers, demonic marks kept mostly glamoured, and inability to bear children. Three fundamental, immutable truths that they all share.

Eyes softening, he glances down at Madzie as she slips her hand unobtrusively into his. She’s finished her ice cream now, sprinkles smeared impressively around her face, and is currently focused intently on capturing Alec’s hand too as he pretends not to notice. It’s a wonder, Magnus contemplates, how far she’s come – leaps and bounds from the terrified little girl they’d first met, manipulated by Iris and Valentine in turn. She’s still tentative at times, liable to spook in unfamiliar settings, but around people she trusts (and Magnus is honestly touched to be considered among that select group) she’s enthusiastic and even a little cheeky.

Caught off-guard, Magnus stumbles when Madzie leans back slightly before launching herself into the air, swinging on his and Alec’s arms. On instinct, he lifts his hand to raise her higher and see’s Alec do the same, Madzie giggling uncontrollably as she lands before gearing up to do it all over again. Maybe more than a little cheeky then.

He catches sight of Alec’s face as he lifts his arms for the next swing and the giddiness, temporarily forgotten, is back in full force. Alec’s hazel eyes sparkle and crinkle with laughter at Madzie’s antics, face completely unguarded as he smiles an unrestrained smile, and Magnus basks in the joy of being one of the very few people allowed to see him like this. Alec brings his free hand around to poke at Madzie’s ribs, making her shriek, as always so perfectly at ease with her.

Like a vision, Magnus can see their future together unfolding before him in a way he’s never thought to imagine before. He can see whirlwind days filled with the sound of a baby’s cries, fawning over tiny onesies, trips to the park, splatters of paint and spaghetti and god knows what else on the walls of their apartment, falling exhausted into bed with Alexander after dealing with pre-bedtime tantrums. Falling asleep with the father of his child.

He wonders briefly what would piss the Clave off more: one of their own (a child of the Head of the New York Institute nonetheless) being co-raised by a warlock, or their precious Head of the Institute fathering a warlock child. What would cause the most pearl-clutching back in Idris? A young shadowhunter called Bane, or a warlock bearing the Lightwood name?

It’s an incredibly petty thought, but he can’t bring himself to feel guilty when he has a sneaking suspicion Alec would get just as much satisfaction from it.

Apparently, Alec’s words (as is their disconcerting habit) have gone straight to his head, breaking a dam he didn’t even realise he’d built. Now the thoughts are positively pouring out, flooding his mind with all these things he didn’t even know he wanted but abruptly yearns for regardless.

When Madzie quickly loses interest in using their arms as bungee ropes and breaks away from Alec’s relentless tickling to skip a few metres ahead, Magnus sneaks another look at Alec only to find his boyfriend already watching him. There’s an indecipherable emotion filling his gaze, one that looks exactly how Magnus feels every time he sees Alec with Madzie, a mixture of adoration and longing tinged with something suspiciously like hope. It aches in his chest in a way that’s just this side of painful and he’s helpless to do anything but reach for Alec’s hand with barely-controlled desperation. It’s overwhelming at times, how much he loves this man.

For once he’s at a loss for how to convey to Alec exactly how much his words have affected him, knows that if he tries he’ll only default to light-hearted deflections and that is really not what he wants to do right now. So in lieu of actual words he resorts to tightening his grip on Alec, as if he can somehow channel the unspeakable depth of emotion roiling within him through their joined hands. Alec squeezes back just as tight in response. At the feeling of Alec’s thumb rubbing soothing circles against his knuckles, Magnus feels his lips twitch up (and there’s that irrepressible smile again that he can’t manage to hold in) and the desperate ache settle slightly into something warm and comforting.

A family with Alexander.

He could get used to that idea.

[patheticphallacy]

This is going to be a really difficult introduction to my wrap up.

Unfortunately, on September 18th my dad passed away. He was only 50 years old. I won’t go into details because of how personal it is, but he was in hospital a majority of the month before he passed. I’ve taken a year suspension from University for the time being.

It has been a really difficult time for myself and my family. I’ve turned a lot to books and blogging to offer a way to occupy my mind which is why so many things still seem to be coming out, but I cannot say that this will hold up after the funeral.

As I schedule so many posts, a lot of what came out this month has been written since around mid August and I did not find the time to stop the University posts before they were released. I won’t be deleting them.

I hope you’ll all understand.

THINGS I’VE READ

    An Inspector Calls by J.B. Priestley– My sister gave me her copy she used for her GCSE’s. Such a great play with revelation after revelation, left me on the edge of my seat. While I knew the core plot twist, I didn’t predict that ending. 

Mob Psycho 100 Volume 1 by One– This was kind of meh. It’s one of my best friend’s favourites, so I’ll carry it on eventually, but I don’t really feel the urge to pick volume two up just yet. I will say I like how the anime tackles the same events in a different order to save major revelations for backstory– that was really interesting to pick up on. 

I Call Upon Thee by Ania Ahlborn– I really didn’t like this! Lacklustre and very cliched, feel like it doesn’t really offer anything other than annoying ending and characters who go through absolutely no development at all. 

Kissing Tolstoy by Penny Reid– An OK romance that actually has discussions surrounding reading and books that don’t feel forced. I found this easy to read even though I’ve never read any Russian Lit, and I actually want to read it more now. Like that it discusses age gaps and issues of the power dynamic too. 

    Seven Tears at High Tide by C.B. Lee– Finally finished this one, and it only took me 3 months. A very cute and heartwarming story about a boy who makes a wish and falls in love with a Selkie. Does get ridiculous at the end, I must say, but I was happy with the payoff. 

The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O’Neill– Katie O’Neill creates such amazing narratives that have wonderful messages about society and being true to yourself and your wishes, pursuing something that you love and encouraging others to do the same. 

Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin– How can I ever trust a single man or old person after this book? Tell me. 

Please Undo This Hurt by Seth Dickinson– Don’t really rate this short story. It bored me and I hated the main characters, not even in a good way. Just perpetuates the ‘I can save you from your mental illness’ narrative that is dull and overdone by this point. 

    My Hero Academia Volume 20 by Kohei Horikoshi– Gentle Criminal and La Brava was so boring, the School Festival arc was fabulous, and Endeavor finally got his ass kicked! Yay! 

Aphrodite Made Me Do It by Trista Mateer– I have a review of this coming out soon for National Poetry Day in the UK, but if you don’t want to wait, I have a review here!

The Quiet Boy by Nick Antosca– I read this after watching the trailer for Antlers, and I thought it was pretty neat! Very thrilling, although I’m bothered by changes being made in the film that I feel could detract from having Julia as one of the main characters in the film. 

I Am Not Your Final Girl by Claire C. Holland– A collection of poetry centring around fictional women from horror films, exploring their empowerment and agency in a genre and a wider culture and society that seems willing to beat them down until they break. 

Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink– I have a review of this linked later this post! Full of body horror and emotional trauma, this is a really solid read great for fans of the podcast and Welcome to Night Vale. 

    In the Shadow of Spindrift House by Mira Grant– I love this terrible cover! Keep an eye out for my review of this, it’s coming out soon. 

The World’s Greatest First Love Volume 1 by Shungiku Nakamura– The publishing elements and the main character were GREAT, but there is prevalent sexual assault in this that is never addressed and is incredibly insensitive in its treatment, so I don’t recommend this manga. 

Dead Voices by Katherine Arden– I didn’t enjoy this one as much as Small Spaces, but it’s still really freaky and a great middle grade read. I love that Coco gets her own POV in this, too, and that it doesn’t take stereotypical routes with some of its plotlines. 

No One Is Too Small To Make a Difference by Greta Thunberg– This is a collection of speeches Greta Thunberg has made addressing climate change, as well as her own position as an advocate for the cause. Moving and a must read, in my opinion. It’s only £3 in Waterstones at the moment for anyone who wants to pick it up!

    Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury– A fascinating collection of essays written by Bradbury about his writing process and some of the more popular works he’s published. I honestly felt really inspired and motivated after reading this, I highly recommend it especially for creative writers, but just be warned it is very oriented around the white male experience.

Heartstopper Volume 2 by Alice Oseman– I adore Heartstopper and I love this second volume. Great progression in the relationship between Nick and Charlie, and we’re getting to see more outside of their relationship and into their friendships and family dynamics, too. I still love Tori Spring!

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle– Finally got a hold of the MASSIVE audiobook where Stephen Fry narrates all the Holmes stories, and it honestly made the experience so much more enjoyable. I think Doyle’s skill lies more in shorter fiction than longer fiction, I think there’s less opportunity for… not useless, per se, just unneeded waffling. 

Giant Days Volume 9 and 10 by John Allison– These two volumes take place around the tailend of the girl’s second years and follows their accommodation location, the progression (and breakdown) of relationships, and them finally making it to third year intact. I honestly can’t believe there’s only three or four volumes left in this series, its been a constant companion for me since 2016 when I first started and I really don’t want to let it go. 

  No Touching At All and Even So, I Will Love You Tenderly by Kou Yoneda– Of the ‘older’ manga I’ve read that focus on the relationships between two men, these two are definitely in the ‘recommend’ pile. Other than the beautiful names for the volumes and the artwork being really pretty, I really enjoyed the developing relationships and the conversations had about workplace homophobia and ostracization in Japan, although that wasn’t the main focus. They do include some questionable attitudes towards identification of sexuality– two characters in both volumes are probably bisexual or on that spectrum, but are referred to as straight more than once for liking women and only the man they enter the relationship with. It’s complicated, but nothing in either volumes ever feels targeted or hateful, just lacking education on the nuances of sexuality. 

Articles

I found this article about Friends great as it breaks down issues I’ve had with the show for years. I don’t have a lot of attachment to it, honestly, I mostly just put it on in the background, but I think I’ll stop now. I’ve always found the handling of gender and sexuality damaging in Friends, as well as the overwhelming fatphobia.

I really enjoyed looking through this list The Guardian did of the 100 best books of the 21st century. I don’t know why, I’m just a big fan of lists!

Before reading this article, I can honestly tell you I knew nothing about Susan Sontag beyond her name. It’s deconstructing her queerness and how her aversion to accepting her own sexuality ultimately ruled a lot of the work she produced in her life.

God, this article was fascinating. I can’t even tell you what it’s about, really, other than that it’s an interview with Christeene, a punk drag artist who is just really cool, honestly. There are some buttholes for anyone who… wants to avoid butts? Or reading this at work?

There was a massive conversation in August that carried into September regarding the rise in men adopting pseudonyms to get their thriller novels published. This Atlantic article particularly captured the issues I have with men who do this, who are almost trying to fool an audience of women who trust women writers to not approach the suffering of women through a misogynistic lens, as is so common in modern society.

An older article by The New Inquiry, Coming out of the Coffin offers an insight into the fraught relationship between Bram Stoker and Oscar Wilde. A really interesting read, I’m just sad I discovered it 7 years after its release!

THINGS I WATCHED

I don’t do music sections on these wrap ups anymore, so I’ll put this here: the GRAACE cover of ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne completely transforms the song and adds such an amazing depth to it

I decided to binge watch Fleabag and it’s most definitely the best decision I’ve made all year. Fleabag follows the titular woman as she navigates her life as a thirty year old woman whose entire life is in flux, and has been since the death of her mother. There’s a lot I could say about this show, honestly. What really stood out to me was how much I could relate specifically to the emotions Fleabag and her older sister Claire feel in relation to each other, and their grief. Seeing them still come back together even after such a significant loss, their dependency, really gives me strength to get through what I’m experiencing at the moment, so Fleabag has been something I can relate to and look at as hope for a future where I can begin to wrap my head around the terrible things going on around me.

THINGS I POSTED

August Wrap Up

TTT: Books Outside My Comfort Zone

50 Bookish Questions Tag

Music I Enjoyed This Summer

Connie’s Personal 101 Guide For Personal Survival of University

Bookshelf Tour Part 3: TBR & More Manga/Comics

Book Review: I Call Upon Thee by Ania Ahlborn

TTT: Books on my Fall TBR

Book Review: Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink

Bookshelf Tour Part 4: CDs&DVDs

If you liked this post, consider buying me a coffee? Ko-Fi. 

Goodreads|Twitter|Instagram|Letterboxd

September Wrap Up This is going to be a really difficult introduction to my wrap up. Unfortunately, on September 18th my dad passed away.

[devillainsarchive]

🐾 meta;

Carlos and his mental state and disabilities (this is the best way i could think to phrase it). These are present in all my verses unless stated otherwise (like my mr robot verse where he has dissociative identity disorder).

I want to be very clear, this post will only graze the surface of deeper issues. I am also putting a majority of this post under a read more due to the some of the more sensitive topics, and I don’t desire to trigger anyone.

I want to also say, making this post has made me extremely nervous. As I don’t want to portray things incorrectly, or wrong. I am always learning, and striving to reduce the stigma and glorification of these things.

Additionally, this things are not plot points for Carlos. I will never use them to make his story more sad or more upsetting. I am not here to have them be a shock value. With writing about these things most of my nerves regarding this post that I have put off for months is the backlash I will get. If you want to talk to me about anything I say in this post, I ask you do it off anon.

Finally this post is not going to be addressing Carlos intelligence (ie his IQ score and how he is a prodigy where schooling is concerned). Certainly some of these things can feed into that. But his intelligence is something that deserves its own post.

Short list: things Carlos has (diagnosed and diagnosed)

Asperger’s

PTSD and C-PTSD

Anxiety

Depression

Schizophrenia

OCD

Insomnia

This is the longer list, essentially I go a bit into detail about each thing on the short list, explain my reasoning behind him having each thing, where I pull from canon to get the reasoning, a bit about the manifestations of each thing for Carlos. There will be cross over, so I may repeat myself on occasion.

Asperger’s (Asperger Syndrome)

Carlos’ Asperger’s is evident when you know the signs. Carlos struggles to pick on basic social cues. He certainly gets better and learns more when he is older. But as a young child, and especially all his time on the Isle, and when he first lives in Auradon. One of the most evident signs of this is that he will talk about things he likes typically mechanics and wires and machines without stopping to care about what his listener thinks about it. In Auradon he learns to stop himself from getting to far, and he always feels bad about it after. He cherishes people that let him talk.

Carlos is not loud, but he certainly has a wide vocabulary. While this is not incredibly evident, his annoyance with Reza’s vocabulary could lead to he knows what all those words mean. Carlos just knows how to use them in natural conversation. He does not understand normal jokes or humor, and it takes him a few moments to get a joke. In Auradon he gets better with those social queues, and learns how and when people are trying to be funny. Carlos may laugh but that does not mean he gets the joke. He also may not understand when he is telling a joke. This does not mean that Carlos can’t laugh or doesn’t know when to laugh, he laughs easily with Jay, and probably for a very long time Jay is the only one who can get a genuine laugh out of him.

Carlos’ is very aware of his surroundings. He notices small changes in things, and often changes in thins will bug him, and make him upset. He hyper-fixates this primarily on his desk in Auradon, and his desk in the hideout on the Isle, and the treehouse in the backyard of Hell Hall on the Isle. He knows immediately when things are wrong with it. This applies also to people around him, sudden movements, but for the most part Carlos associates that with always having to be on alert for his mother. His own interactions with people may seem odd, he may ignore them or seem rude, but he doesn’t mean it. This is where part of that callous demeanor comes from, but he is much better at turning that off and on than people realize.

Carlos also has his hobbies that he talks forever about, that he will ignore people for. This hobby is science and mechanics, and computers. He also enjoys binary code, and Morse code. One prime example of this is when he first ignores Evie when she meets him officially for the first time. He is focusing on building the machine that pierces a hole in the barrier. He essentially ignores Evie, until she makes a comment about the machine to help him make it work. Another example of this is from D1 where he is playing the video game. One other example is the fact that he has the period table of elements memorized this comes up as a way to calm himself down, when he is aware enough to calm himself down.

Last but not least Carlos has a serious aversion to touch. This plays into so many other things about him, and many things you will see on the list. Carlos does not like being touched. And touching him when its uninvited could lead to a various range of results.

PTSD

Carlos PTSD mainly manifests itself in the forms of flashbacks, and nightmares, and panic attacks. His PTSD is caused by his mother’s treatment of his as a child. His mother’s treatment of him, wont be discussed in great detail here, but it is traumatic for him. In short he was not loved or cared for. He had to do so much on his own, on top of his mother ordering him about. She burned him with butts of cigarettes, threw things at him, and treated him like a dog to the point of Evie thinking he was a dog because she could hear it. Dog jokes on the isle about him run rampant.

His triggers on the Isle, he doesn’t really care about. He still is in the situation constantly, so he doesn’t really pay attention. In general, and one he has control of, is the various dog nick names. He will get a bit volatile about being called dog names. Other triggers mainly include heals clacking, smoke, dogs (all dogs, and then just big dogs as he gets to know Dude), and touch particularly touch of his hair. These are his biggest triggers, and they are not his only ones. They also don’t always set him off. He has it all much more under control than he thinks he does. He is good at self regulating his panic attacks and knows when they come on. Flashbacks are his rarest form of manifestation. They are not always full on vivid images of things, but he often gets an overwhelming smell of his mother, and Hell Hall. Nightmares are his most common manifestation. He struggles to sleep, but when he does 6 nights out of 7 he will have a nightmare. He does his best to thoroughly exhaust himself before he sleeps in order to not have nightmares (and to not disturb people, namely Jay). They mainly manifest in Auradon.

His PTSD can get very bad, especially when he has a full flashback. His full flashbacks are generally brought about when he thinks he is being threatened. They come mostly from fear of being touched, mainly if he thinks someone is going to strike him, or if someone is yelling at him. He has full flashbacks very very rarely, but he has had them. One of the most prominent times he has had one is on Parents day when Audrey’s grandmother, and Chad yelled at Mal, Evie, and Jay.

Carlos has both PTSD and C-PTSD. There are certain events from Carlos’ childhood that cause PTSD, but the ongoing abuse he suffered is what gives him C-PTSD. PTSD includes reliving the trauma through nightmares ( referenced vividly in book 4 ) and flashbacks both of which Carlos experiences. He avoids situations, and when he can’t he either disassociates or runs such as with Parent’s Day when Queen Leah’s yelling makes him dissociate. His fear of dogs stems from his PTSD, as well as his hyper awareness of the world around him (though this hyper awareness is also brought on for other reasons). Some of his triggers cause somatic symptoms, as shown above.

Carlos’ C-PTSD is evident in both the books and the movies. From lack of emotional regulation (him yelling at his mom in D1), to dissociation his response to Jane in D3 where he forgets seemingly that his mother abused him. Carlos shows many signs for C-PTSD. He has the most control over his emotions almost to the point where he can come of as emotionless ( “they say I’m callous” ). Carlos has a negative view of himself, but don’t expect him to say that. His mother’s comments towards him made it such so that he feels different, not to mention how utterly embarrassed he is of his handwriting because he taught himself how to write. Carlos’ inability to form good relationships with people, especially outside of the Core4 is not only a symptom of C-PTSD but also something that is part of asperger’s. However its a fine line because the type of people he is typically attracted to, tend to have power over him. Its a delicate line that both parties have to walk.

Carlos’ perception of his mother is his biggest sign that he has C-PTSD. He loves her. He loves her to the point that he will defend her. He knows she doesn’t love him, this is his plot of book 1 essentially. But that does not change his feelings towards her. He has a desire to make her proud, even at the cost of his own morals. Carlos loves Cruella unconditionally even though he shouldn’t, and its unhealthy. He also fears her, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love her. His fear of her causes physical reactions in him from shaking, as seen in book one, to nearly becoming a different person, a main reason he doesn’t want Dude on the Isle in D2.

Carlos doesn’t really exhibit loss of systems, mainly because his only real connection with religion is that his dad is Jewish. However, in my writing, he does often think about how stupid it is to have hope, so that would fit in well there.

Overall Carlos has both. There are specific child hood events that give him PTSD, but the abuse over the years is what gives him C-PTSD, and yes one can have both.

This is not diagnosed.

Anxiety

Carlos’ has anxiety, mainly severe social anxiety. Carlos does not do well in big crowds, or social situations. He has the constant thought that he is annoying people or bugging them. He may want to approach someone, but actually doing it is incredibly taxing on him, and he panics.

Social situations in general make his heart rate go up. Carlos has panic attacks from this. These are the ones that he can barely control, if at all. They come on fast, and often Carlos gets no real warning for them mainly because he doesn’t always know what triggers them.

This is also not diagnosed, but it does stem from Cruella’s treatment. He is always on edge around her, and worried and nervous about how she feels about him. This extends to every person he knows and meets. This extends to his friends. He is always worried about them, and how they view him. He is waiting often for their guidance to tell  him what to do, even if he knows what he needs to do. He likes orders.

Additionally his mind is constantly going a million miles a minute. He often has different things processing and going on at the same time. But worries are most of those. These worries keep him up at night, and actually add to his insomnia.

His anxiety is potentially the least worrying thing for Carlos though. It has been ingrained in him so long to be on edge, that that is all he views it as.

Depression

Carlos’ depression is the must fuzzy of all the things he is diagnosed with. It is definitely the hardest to pin down. And it is one of the things that Carlos does his best to ignore. He has other things going on his mind, if he wants to lay in bed, he has things going on telling him he can’t. Something needs to be cleaned, something needs to be done, his mother is telling him to get up.

Something that links into his depression is his view of his body. Carlos is incredibly self conscious. He has multiple scars that are from cigarettes, or chemical burns. He has cuts, and scrapes that have scared over. He also has his freckles which are a love hate relationship with. His mother found it the one good thing about him since he was born with spots unlike puppies, but for a while it made him resent them. However due to his unique relationship with his mom, he likes his freckles because he knows that since he has them his mom has the chance to love him.

Carlos’ view of his own body being malnourished, and that his growth is stunted, among other things is skewed. He doesn’t like people seeing his body. Sometimes seeing his body makes him uncomfortable with himself, or he just loses all motivation he had. It can be incredibly debilitating. It is often the thing that gets him down the most, and makes his days the hardest to get through.

Schizophrenia

Carlos’ schizophrenia began to manifest itself when he was around the age of 10. He has no idea what it is. It is gentic, and he did get it from Cruella (this is based primarily on Descendants Cruella, and Disney’s live action and animated Cruella).

Carlos’ main symptoms for this are hallucinations, delusions, unusual ways of thinking, agitated body movements, reduced expression of emotion, reduced speaking, and poor executive function. He may exhibit more, but these are the most common. On the daily he typically experiences auditory or visual hallucinations that are vivid and often seem real to him. It his strongest symptom. He explains as he does in D2 where he hears Cruella’s voice in his head. She often talks to him telling him that he is worthless and useless, or she will give him orders. Disobeying the orders is hard, and sometimes he feels that he has no control over his body as he obeys whatever order his mother told him.

Carlos also often known to have delusions, and when he is having an episode he likely wont make sense. He will behave opposite to how he is commonly known (so how Auradonians view him), but he will also be opposite to how the Core 4, and friends who actually know him are. One way to confirm that he is potentially relapsing is that he will respond to the vivid hallucinations.

Often the best way to get him to come back to reality, and get him past the episode is to initiate contact with him, because that is the best way to ground him. Its not an easy feat since he doesn’t like being touched. And he will likely lash out when people try to touch him.

Aside from hearing his mother’s voice, he may feel her arms around him and she could be stroking his hair. His protection of her is often what makes him lash out at people who come near when this happens. Carlos seems almost relaxed when this happens, in a way he never is, his eyes close and it looks like he is experiencing something euphoric, he has this look in D1 when his mother is petting his hair in Maleficent’s home before they head to Auradon.

However, his most common system is the auditory hallucinations, and he rarely talks about them even with his friends. This is also not diagnosed because of his refusal to admit that he is crazy like his mom. He does not want to be like her, and he knows that having it could potentially get him sent back to the Isle. He doesn’t necessarily like when people say he isn’t like his mother, because he knows its a load of bull.

OCD

Carlos has OCD, it goes beyond his need for things to be perfect and meticulous something that was ingrained into him by his mother. Carlos has a few very small ticks. He does things in 10s, or in 101s. For example Carlos will wash his hands for 101 seconds, or will brush his teeth for 101 seconds. He will eat food in ten bites, not a whole meal but each seperate piece of food he eats will be done in 10 bites. This leads to him being a bit of a messy eater, but don’t worry he has 10 napkins for that issue exactly. If he used a clickable pen he would have to click the pen 10 times before he will use it. Often when panicking he counts to 10 to help him breathe. 101s are meant for longer tasks, his brain automatically sorts things like that. His worst infraction of this is going up stairs, if a stair case does not have 101 steps, which most of them don’t, he will calculate what he needs to get to those steps. If a staircase has more than that, he will start the 101 over, and calculate how to get to that number like he would with a regular stair case. It is the hardest tick to hide, in his opinion.

This is not diagnosed.

Insomnia

Carlos has severe insomnia, it is added to by a few things, such as his anxiety and PTSD. It is not dependent on those things. Carlos’ mind just does not shut off. In order to get a good night’s sleep he has to be pretty much exhausted. It became much more apparent in Auradon than on the Isle. It did exist on the Isle. Often being coaxed into sleep helps too, and that typically includes friends helping him sleep, this can be seen more so in my own writing. However I do pull him having insomnia from the scene in D1 where he is shifting on his bed awake, granted all the kids are awake, but his just feels different to me.

As with everything else on the list this is not diagnosed, but it is one of the few things Carlos is fairly comfortable self diagnosing himself with.

In general, the numerous things he deals with that affect his life day to day, when he is diagnosed and does talk about them, are the reason he is eligible for a service dog, and why he gets a service dog. Granted he has to over come his fear of dogs first, but its the baby steps. Medicine is not exactly an option for Carlos because he is so scared of the side affects of many of them Not to mention he kind of refuses to take it. Agreeing to having a service dog is a good compromise for now. But doctors ideally want him on medication to further improve his life. He does not get a service dog til he is essentially an adult in most of my verses.

[fairycosmos]

was not tryna give a part 3 omg but i feel like my mom is just tired of me. i know she is. she barely comes home anymore n whenever i try to spend time with her she acts like it’s a task, like she’s being forced. & in ways she makes me feel bad for talking or anything but i just miss her. i miss everyone. my mom & i never had a good relationship but she’s what keeps me here & i just feel like i have nothing sometimes. my heart just hurts more than i can say. thank u for listening, ur an angel 🥺

hi bby :(( thank you for being so honest and open w me, it really is something to be proud of and is also proof that you are genuinely more capable of this than you think !! which seems like bullshit but it's not !! honestly the worst thing about treating your mental health is the amount of trial and error involved. you have to find that specifically works for you in exactly the right way. it's annoying, and you have every right to be frustrated. sometimes it can make you feel like giving up completely, because it's just so exhausting, and that's ok. as long as you understand the difference between having an urge and acting on it. the prospect of a new therapist is totally daunting but at the same time, you are allowed to set boundaries and take it at your own pace. if you do your best to explain how mentally tired you are, and that you want to take it slow, they will generally respect that. the thing about therapy is that you just don't know how it's going to go until you're there. sometimes you surprise yourself. sometimes it all just comes spilling out. sometimes you clam up. and all of it, all of it a natural part of the process. i mean this in the least patronising way, you are so strong for picking yourself up every time, for continuing to try. you may feel like your brain is totally fried right now but when push comes to shove, you are so much more than you realize.

as for school, jesus, that just be so nerve wracking and i don't blame you for being a bit scared at at all. the few weeks before you begin is always the worst part because your mind sort of runs wild with possibilities. but always try to remember that anxiety job is literally to take situations and warp them into something they're not based on fear and trepidation. in reality you have no idea what's going to happen and a middle ground, average result is always the most likely outcome anyway. take a breath. i get that logically knowing things doesn't help much with mental illness but it always helps to ground yourself. bottom line is, you will adapt and grow with the new environment even if you don't think you will. it's inevitable. you will find your routine and your mundanity again, and all of it will become second nature. even if there's a few awkward moments, even if you struggle a little at first. most people do. as long as you understand that there is always help available, always other options, and you are never trapped or totally stuck in a situation no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that you are. if your schoolwork gets on top of you, you CAN take a step back for the sake of your mental health, even if adults whine about it. if you don't know how to talk to people, learn by example and keep in mind that they're probably perceiving you better than you perceive yourself. like with therapy, let school integrate into your life at its own pace. half the battle is honestly just showing up. unfortunately all of this fear is where the growth happens. it's very normal to want to go back into hospital, to want to avoid reality, but there is no life waiting for you there. this is something i find very hard to come to terms with myself. you have to get up and touch the tangibility and live in it with everyone else. and you are, you're doing it as we speak, and that genuinely counts for so much dude. i can't stress that enough. these periods of loneliness and isolation are absolutely horrible and i don't really know the answer to them to be honest, but i do know that they are often periods of massive self growth, and they can end just as aprubtly as theuy begin. you are deserving of companionship and love, and just because it's hard to find doesn't mean it's not out there for you. in so many forms, over and over again, you will feel it. it's not as far fetched as your anxiety wants you to believe. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and new beginnings are proof of that.

about your mum, god i'm so sorry she's been making you feel that way?? i can't tell you how much i relate and how much it hurt me when i was younger, and i promise you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. so many people can and do understand, and that goes for all of this - the mental illness, the therapy stress, the fear and annoyance of starting anew. complexes caused by negative parental relationships are always so hard to heal from because they're so deeply rooted within, but i need you to try to understand that your worth does not lie in your mother and you can not force her to be mature, to to understand if she's so insistent on misunderstanding. it's one of the fuckin hardest lessons to learn and i don't know if the pain ever stops from it (though it definitely settles and becomes more manageable), but there is a point in every kids life where they just realize their parents are wrong. they're ignorant, or they're obtuse, or they're mean - and that is on them. it is a reflection of them and that is it, there's nothing else to it. of course you shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but it is not caused by you no matter how much it feels like it is, angel. your mental illness is harder for you to put up with than it is for her to witness and if she can't accept that, she's fucked. idk the details of your relationship with her, and maybe even if you sit her down and force her to listen, something will click. it's not an impossibility and i sure hope it happens, but if it doesn't i promise there are so so so sooo many other avenues of support out there. and your parents are truly not the beginning and end of the world. one day, sooner than you think, you are going to live a life divorced of her opinions, and even better, you won't feel such a craving to hear them. you will be in control of your own environment and mental well being and it will not be anything like what you're expecting. that's a guarantee, something you can always rely on. i know words are pointless, i know they're empty to you. and i know i can't make you see your situation the way i do, obviously. but i really hope you can take the time to find the ment clarity to examine why you're so averse to accepting the positive, what you can do to help yourself, and whether or not your anxieties are rooted in rationality of not. there's seriously so many ways to battle and to overcome the shit you're going through and it only feels so chaotic at the moment because you're in the midst of finding your feet. think back to when you first went into hospital, and how foreign everything felt, and how you got through it a day at a time. you didn't confront all that for nothing. you are so much more resilient than you realize and i wholeheartedly believe that. i'm assuming you're still very young, and so even the natural growth and development of your life is going to afford you so many answers and so much relief, though of course there will always be new questions and things to fight. but the bottom is you've got time, and if you have to take this one step at a time, or one hour at a time, or even a minute at a time - you can. you are okay. some days are rough but they do not negate your progress. so take a breath and try to identify what it is you need (e.g to talk to your parents, to be honest with the professionals in your life, to incorporate coping mechanisms into your daily routine so you feel less overwhelmed about school etc) and let that be good enough, because it is. i'm infinitely proud of you for being here and i know the hurt and the loneliness is a total tidal wave right now but it will it always be, and that's a certainty, unlike your fears. i really hope you find some peace of mind soon and that your mum heard you out. if you want to talk about this properly or if you need a friend i will be here. sending love and warmth to u dude. message me anytime.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT YEARS

Err on the side. I may try in the future is David Heinemeier Hansson gave a talk in which he suggested that startup founders should do things the old fashioned way. 40% used to be common. Here, again, language designers are somewhat out of touch with their users. I accumulated all this useless stuff, but that it's very large, and the cost of failure to increase the number of nonspam and spam messages respectively. We take it for granted most of the calories.1 No one wants to begin a program with a bunch of strangers and probably be rejected by most of them grew organically.2 Think about where credentialism first appeared: in selecting candidates for large organizations.3 But if you skip running for a couple years for another company before starting their own companies than by working for existing ones, the existing companies are forced to pay more to keep them.

As I've written before, one of our habits of mind than others? Two have already turned down lowball acquisition offers. She arrived looking astonished. Ironically, part of the reason engineering is traditionally averse to handholding is that its traditions date from a time when engineers were less powerful—when they were Robin Hood, their stock price rose like Google's. It seems pretentious, or frivolous, or even make sounds that tell what's happening.4 I can to some extent avoid thinking about nasty things people have done to me by telling myself: this doesn't deserve space in my head. When I was a kid I was firmly in the camp of bad. For it to surprise me, it must be very hard—and so they don't try do to it. Now the same work might be done by one or two sentences.

And by Parkinson's Law, software has expanded to use the shift key much. No idea for a company; we did. Any strategy that omits the effort—whether it's expecting a big launch to get you users, or data ownership at the level of type tags.5 In our school it was eighth grade, which was still then a quasi-government entity. The good news is, if you're ahead now, and you've made something other users want too. Then you could, in effect, is leaks in a seal. Fortunately the way to do this when they can.6 But Yahoo treated programming as a commodity.7 And if you have such problems you want to get rich by building a valuable company and then selling stock in a liquidity event, founders should start companies that make money and live off the revenues of your company, don't look for them in the news. But still the case for guilt is stronger.8 Don't try to guess where your code is slow, because you'll guess wrong. Certainly it can be at every stage.9

It's common in technology for an innovation that decreases the cost of typing it. 99%. Here's a sketch of how I do statistical filtering. For most people, would be if he were thrust back into middle school. The official story is that legacy status doesn't carry much weight, because all it does is break ties: applicants are bucketed by ability, and legacy status is only used to decide between the applicants in the bucket that straddles the cutoff.10 Some VCs will say this is unthinkable—that they want all their money to be put to work growing the company. It's like importing something from Wisconsin to Michigan.11 Each is, by itself, enough to kill you. There are times in most of the 1970s. This can't be how the big, famous startups got started, they think.

That is the big win in the end, no matter what.12 Our instincts tell us something so valuable would not be surprised if it is called Lisp. And pow, more stuff. 7 billion, and the big bang method, is exemplified by the VC-backed, heavily marketed startup.13 Perhaps the most important of which was Fortran. If everyone else is cowering in a corner, you may not finish your training till 30. But measured in total market cap, the build-stuff-for-yourself model might be more fruitful.14 I can imagine two reasons: if they were functions on indexes, we could have monotonically increasing confidence in their opinions are implicitly concluding the world is static. It's not enough just to be pleasing.15 All the search engines were doing it. You don't need to know the type of every argument in every call in the program.16

Notes

The other extreme—becoming demoralized when investors reject you. The other cause is the most difficult part for startup founders and investors are also startlingly popular on Delicious, but when companies reach a given audience by a sense of the company is like starting out in the next time you raise as you get to profitability on a desert island, hunting and gathering fruit. Even though we made a million dollars. A significant component of piracy, which shows how unimportant the Arpanet which became the twin centers from which Renaissance civilization radiated.

Naive founders think Wow, a few stellar exceptions the textbooks are similarly misleading. But there are lots of options, because they actually do, and it introduced us to see how much he liked his work. Though they are so intellectually dishonest in that category. This is why hackers give you fifty times as much income.

No Logo, Naomi Klein says that clothing brands favored by urban youth do not do this with prices too, of course. If you have an investor pushes you hard to tell them about.

The ironic thing is, because it doesn't cost anything.

We tell them to get them to get good enough to invest in so many trade publications nominally have a notebook to write an essay about it as if the selection process looked for different things from different, simpler organisms over unimaginably long periods of time, is that when you use this thing yourself, because even being deliberately misleading by focusing on people who will go away is investors requiring them.

There are two simplifying assumptions: that the elegance of proofs is quantifiable, in which multiple independent buildings are gutted or demolished to be a good idea to make money. To be fair, the higher the walls become. In 1995, when the company.

Simpler just to load a problem later.

The root of the incompetence of newspapers is that they don't know of this essay, I mean by evolution. So if we wanted to invest more, are not in the bouillon cube s, cover, and so don't deserve to keep their wings folded, as they get for free. Living on instant ramen, which I deliberately pander to readers, because outsourcing it will seem more powerful version written in Lisp.

I don't want to measure that turns out to do it now.

The ironic thing is, obviously, only for startups, who've already made it possible to transmute lead into gold though not economically at current energy prices, but one by one they die and their houses are transformed by developers into McMansions and sold to VPs of Bus Dev. Your mileage may vary. They want to either. Instead of no one else involved knows French.

I may try to go the bathroom, and although convertible notes often have you heard a retailer claim that they'll be able to formalize a small business that isn't the last round of funding rounds are bad news; it is probably no accident that the site was about the cheapest food available. Hypothesis: A company will either be a predictor of success.

There were a property of the junk bond business by Michael Milken; a new, much more fun than he'd had an opportunity to invest in your startup with credit cards. Scribes in ancient Egypt took exams, but it might make them want you. An investor who says he's interested in graphic design.

If doctors did the same trick of enriching himself at the end of World War II was in principle is that you'll expend a lot, or want tenure, avoid casual conversations with potential earnings. There was no great risk in doing a small proportion of spam. Note to nerds: or possibly a winner, they will fund you one day be able to respond with extreme countermeasures.

So if all bugs are found quickly.

A lot of legal business. Jessica. Alfred Lin points out that this filter runs on.

When Harvard kicks undergrads out for doing it with such tricks, you'd get ten times as much what other people in any other company has ever been.

[strikecommanding]

Can I have a scenario where 76’s captive is finally warming up to him and really trying hard to be his perfect house wife with lots of affection for him (like she cooks his favorite meal, tries to kiss n cuddle him) after he comes home from missions, and he brushes her off in mean ways because he thinks she’s just trying to use it as a way to escape. After one particularly mean encounter the night before he leaves again, he finds them out in the living room sobbing “Why doesn’t he love me?”

i hope these requests blended well together (｡･･｡)

---

At first, it was easy enough to do what 76 asked of you. Abiding by his orders in exchange for staying alive seemed like the most rational thing to do in your situation. You were scared of him, and fear was an excellent motivator. Your quiet but unceasing affection for him probably would have convinced anyone on the outside looking in that what the two of you shared was genuine. In reality, you felt like every day was spent walking on eggshells just to make the right moves that would please him.

Because you were behaving so well, 76 had no reason to be cruel to you. He was just the opposite, in fact, as he appeared to be slowly opening up to you the more promise you showed. Very slowly but steadily, his walls were coming down. He no longer sported his pulse rifle every time he was around you. He spent less time hiding behind his mask.

Unfortunately, you caused a snag in that steady process, as you could only stand being his perfect little doll for so long. When 76 finally started trying to get close to you, trying to touch you, the gravity of your situation crashed down on you once again. Your kidnapper’s breath on the shell of your ear, his rough, worn palm rubbing the inside of your thigh, and his other hand coming up to tilt your head back, presenting your lips to him… It all played out in your mind before it could actually happen, and you freaked out. Just having 76 sit close to you made you instinctively jump back and away out of fear.

76 was a little surprised at first, but he didn’t push you. You were such a sweetheart, he thought, you must have just been caught off-guard and shy. At that point, he liked you too much to attribute your skittish behavior to any sort of fear or aversion to him. But, whenever he tried again and found you still exhibiting the same panicked jolts and desire to get away from him, he started losing his patience. His brain began jumping leaps and bounds to explain your behavior in the worst possible way. If you could stand to be around him and follow his orders, but you couldn’t stand to have him touching you, then everything must have been an act to which you couldn’t fully commit. That you could offer all sorts of affection but physical showed him where you faltered, and he was back to being cold and standoffish.

He couldn’t give you up entirely, though. On rough days like today, all he wanted was to come home to and cuddle up with his sweetheart.

You could tell by the stiffness of 76’s body language as he sidled up next to you on the couch that he was pissed. You didn’t know if he was pissed at work or pissed at you, but you decided the best way to handle either situation was the same: just sit completely still and let him hold you. So long as he didn’t escalate past an arm slung over your shoulder, you felt you could handle it.

This time had been different from all the other occasions on which he’d tried to kiss you. No preamble, no finesse, no attempt to gently ease you into it. Instead, he just dipped your head back and tried to kiss you with frightening determination.

Your heart was pumping overtime from the second he sat down next to you, so at that point it nearly burst out of your chest. 76’s lips had barely grazed yours before your palms flew to his chest, pushing him away from you. Instinctively, you yelled out, “Don’t!”

76 was practically a mountain of a man in comparison to your smaller frame, so it was unlikely that you’d actually managed to move him by physical means. Rather, it was purely your protest that repelled him. He looked down on you with furrowed brows and a lip curled in disgust, and you froze. You were so sure he was about to hit you.

Instead, he eased off of you with an annoyed click of his tongue. You were still bracing yourself for a blow that never came. When you found the courage to look up, 76 was already leaving the room. You remained frozen in place for a while even after he left you alone, only allowing your body to relax after you came to the conclusion that you were weirdly disappointed in yourself. You thought it was because you’d now clearly lost the privilege of 76’s fondness for you, which you had worked so hard to maintain since he brought you here. Another part of you felt you were disappointed on his behalf, and that was so much worse.

In a daze, you retired to bed, resolving to do something nice for 76 in the morning.

---

The shift in 76’s attitude towards you from then on was extraordinary. Where he used to show you kindness in his own silent and stoic way, he was now indifferent towards you at best and outright disgusted at worst. Even when you were obviously making an effort to be the little homemaker he wanted you to be, a scowl remained affixed to his face, and the lack of affection strangely hurt you.

On top of living with someone who clearly hated you, you were battling with your own internal turmoil. You often had to force yourself to remember how you’d gotten here in the first place: the guy had kidnapped you. The only reason you sought his affection at first was purely out of survival instinct. But you’d made it this far without 76 so much as raising a hand to you, so you no longer feared for your life as much. So why were you still behaving? Why were you still trying to get on his good side, when you could conceivably make him hate you enough to let you go altogether?

You rolled these questions around in your head, fruitlessly trying to answer them as you cleaned up after dinner. Maybe you just didn’t have a strong enough will to try and get out. All things considered, things weren’t bad living with 76. All of your practical needs were taken care of: you didn’t have to work, you didn’t have to pay for anything. As long as you could cook and clean, you could get by. You could get by, but… you weren’t fulfilled. It was hard when your only other company seemed to hate being around you.

You missed 76’s warmth. Going through this situation had been easier when it felt like someone was on your side, even if it was your captor. Now you didn’t even have him, not emotionally anyway, and you’d never felt more alone.

So you tried to win him back by means of little actions that you thought would communicate your affection. 76 stayed at the kitchen table to read some files off his holopad while you did the dishes, so you thought to make him some tea. Chamomile, since you knew he was having a hard time getting a good night’s sleep due to his workload.

Timidly, you approached him with a warm mug and set it in front of him. His eyes flicked up to your actions with mild interest before returning to his work. Slightly discouraged but still wanting to communicate your attempt to care for him, you offered, “I know you’ve been working really hard lately… this will help you get to sleep easier.”

76 let out a low grunt of acknowledgment, but made no motion to take a sip. Sensing that your presence wasn’t wanted, you stiffly turned to leave the kitchen and get out of his way. In doing so, you accidentally kicked the table leg with enough force to knock the mug over, spilling its contents all over the surface of the table and onto 76’s thigh. He jumped back with a hiss of pain, and your eyes blew wide open when you realized what you’d done.

“I’m so sorry!” you yelped, flying into action right away. You took a towel to the spilled tea before realizing you should probably tend to 76 first, and you nearly tried to dry him off with the already tea-soaked towel. Your mind was so frazzled by what you had done and what was sure to come from it that you couldn’t properly deal with either mess. Looking up at 76 with quivering lips, you whimpered, “I-I’m sorry.”

Rather than anger, 76’s expression only conveyed disgust. He didn’t yell at you, made no motion to reprimand you. He just grabbed a dry towel and held it against his thigh as he stormed out of the room. You were left in a heap on the ground, and the only sounds filling the air were the steady drip of tea off the table and your own soft breathing. There was a lump in your throat. Somehow, being completely disregarded felt worse than any physical blow 76 could have dealt.

Numbly, you cleaned up your mess and put all the dishes away before retiring to the living room. It was pretty late already. At this point, you’d been with 76 for so long and he’d apparently grown so indifferent towards you that he didn’t bother to lock you up at bedtime anymore. As long as all the windows and the doors were locked tight, he didn’t care where you were. The thought made your chest feel tight as you settled into a corner on the couch.

You remembered how soft 76 used to be, how kind he’d been to you. He’d always been a man of few words, but he still talked to you everyday. He said you were pretty. He told you he loved you. And you thought about how stupid you’d been at the time, how ungrateful, to repay his sincerity with hesitance. All he wanted was to touch you. Why didn’t you just let him?

The soft voice in the back of your mind that kept you grounded, reminded you that you were pining after your actual kidnapper, had been growing quieter for some time now. Tonight, it faded away entirely. All that remained in your head was the intense desire to be loved. You had been in what felt like a loveless marriage with 76 for months now, and you were completely starved for affection.

Without anything remaining inside your head to tell you otherwise, you finally admitted aloud to yourself, “I just… want him to love me.”

Silence followed your quiet proclamation, until a strange flutter in your chest made you choke out a sob. You paused, like you couldn’t even register that you were crying at first. But when you did realize, you quickly learned that you couldn’t stop. You slapped a hand over your mouth to keep the volume of your cries at a minimum, but you could do nothing to help the quaking of your shoulders. Tears pooled in the corners of your eyes, blurring your vision, until you squeezed your eyes shut and allowed them to slide off your cheeks.

Your hand was no longer doing an adequate job at silencing you, so you grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to your chest. You buried your face in it, trying to calm yourself down, but you found that actively attempting to do so just had the opposite effect. The emotional turmoil you’d been suffering in silence for so long was finally on the forefront, and it demanded to be known. So you admitted to yourself everything you’d denied for far too long. “H-he doesn’t love me anymore… and it’s all my fault. I just… I-I just want him to love me again…”

You cried in solitude for a little longer when a sudden weight on the cushion beside you made your head shoot up in an instant. 76 had taken the seat next to you, his expression still neutral but his features significantly softer than they’d been in months. You were so stunned by the sight that it was like your tears had stopped on command, and you finally stopped shaking as he pulled you into his arms. Your face was pressed into his chest as he rested his chin atop the crown of your head, his hands bracing you and rubbing comforting circles on the small of your back. He murmured, “Maybe I’ve been a little too hard on you lately.”

Hearing him speak to you again with the same softness from your honeymoon phase made your heart swell with a love you hadn’t felt in a long time. You closed your eyes and wrapped your arms around his broad back. You had him again, and you vowed not to make the same mistake of losing him twice.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Okay but please imagine Len as Vulcan/half Vulcan. Like it makes sense, the logical analytical mind great for numbers and countdown, the hatred of showing emotion, the aversion to being touched. Now that I've thought of it this au won't leave me alone. (Also bonus: rip not knowing he recruited a Vulcan and being super surprised when it comes up)

Fic: It’s Only Logical (ao3 link)

Fandom: DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, Star Trek fusionPairing: Mick Rory/Leonard Snart

Summary: Leonard Snart doesn’t know much about his real father. His Vulcan father.

Well, he doesn’t know much other than the fact that the jerk left him on a pre-contact planet that doesn’t even believe aliens are real, anyway.

So, you know. Fuck the Vulcans.

——————————————————————————————-

Leonard Snart doesn’t know much about his real father.

Oh, he knows what some people would consider the important part, namely that his father was not of a terrestrial origin - rather important, given the fact that most people on Earth don’t think aliens are real and that anyone who does believe in them is crazy - but what he knows beyond that is fairly limited.

He knows that his father had been involved in a terrible space battle of some variety, causing him to abandon his ship for a lifepod that, in turn, was far cast off course until a meteorite dragging it in its gravitational field brought it down to Earth, badly damaged.

He knows his mother - his stupid, city-born mother, who’d been out on a field trip with her school, so painfully young - found him there and smuggled him home with her, telling him (rightfully) that he would be hunted down in the countryside, but that no one would ever look for him in the slums of the city.

No one ever looks for anything in the slums of the city.

Len knows that his mother nursed his father back to health in her broken down flat, where her alcoholic father was so stupefied and absent he never noticed.

He knows that his mother and his father got close.

He knows that his father fell into a fever of some sort.

He knows -

Well.

He knows that his father was rescued, after a time.

He knows that his father left, and never came back.

He doesn’t know why.

He doesn’t know who his father was (is?) as a person, he doesn’t know what he did, what he liked, what he disliked, he doesn’t know whether he was kind or cruel or -

He doesn’t know.

His father knew his mom was pregnant when he left, he knows that much. He wouldn’t have left her the tapes otherwise.

Len watched the tapes avidly as a child, greedily looking for indications of something about his father, something about himself, but it was nothing but lessons on Vulcan culture.

Vulcans.

That’s what they called themselves, his father’s people.

His people, Len supposes, but for all that he was born half a Vulcan, he was raised a Jew, and for his mother’s people - his people, much more than the Vulcans have ever been - it is the line of the mother that counts.

So, you know.

Fuck the Vulcans.

His father abandoned him and never returned, undoubtedly embarrassed by his half-breed son; his mother married too hastily to hide her own embarrassment, and suffered for it; his mother died, still staring up at the stars for a man who would never see her again.

But Len still has those tapes.

Your emotions are overpowering, they said; you must be reasonable and logical at all times.

You’ve gotta be hard, you gotta be cold, his dad (stepdad) tells him, and teaches him bit by bit in lessons that hurt Len’s soul as much as his body.

His dad is the only father he’s ever known, the one he grew up with, the one he loved with a child’s ignorance, and Len thinks, sometimes, that he wouldn’t hate his real father so much if that hadn’t been the case.

But the lessons of his father and the lessons of his dad are the same: be cold, be calculating, be logical.

Hide the blazing fire in your heart under layers and layers of ice, and never let anyone see; don’t let emotion muddy your vision and soften your heart.

Don’t let yourself feel the emotions at all, no matter what.

It’s the same lesson, really.

The Vulcan version just has a bit less violence and a lot more pseudo-philosophical quotes from a guy named Surak.

Maybe it’s actual philosophy, but what the hell would Len know? He’s a slum kid, destined for a life of crime and prison, and his teachers barely tried hard enough to make him literate.

And so Len learns.

He learns to hide his feelings in the same way he hides his green blood, concealed in his face by the dark undertones he inherited from his mother; she’d worried so, when he was a child, regretting that he was not a touch darker so that the green would show less - regretting that he was not lighter so that the police would let him go by unmolested - regret, always regret.

She never permitted Len to go the hospital, of course, or even to a doctor; Len learned very young to care for his wounds himself, and to avoid leaving the house with any whenever possible.

It was not always possible, though luckily Len seemed to heal faster than normal, especially cuts; his skin weaving itself back together as if it, too, was embarrassed about showing off such inhuman traits.

No one but you must ever know, Len’s mother warned him, time and time again. Not your dad, not your friends, not a doctor, no one.

The one time Len had had to go to a doctor, to get all his vaccinations to make him legal for kindergarten, his mother had forestalled any blood test by telling the doctor he had a blood disease.

She hadn’t specified which one, but during those days of panic, a mere hint had been enough.

She’d told Len that the stigma of it that faced them both after that, the side-eyed looks and the sneers, the accusation of sexual improprieties or dirty needle habits, was still better than anyone finding out.

Len’s dad knew of Len’s green blood, of course, he shed enough of it, though luckily he remained unaware of Len’s true ancestry - in Central, with its labs and its military bases and its corrupt politicians and newshounds who could be paid to overlook certain accidents, it was not so unusual for children to be born with stranger characteristics than most, and Len’s mother had explained that she had, while pregnant, unwisely wandered into one toxic waste dump or another that’d ended up dumped in the slums, and Len’s dad had just grumbled about there not being a class action payout from it.

The blood wasn’t all of it, of course. There was more - a internal eyelid, thankfully translucent, that Len primarily used to protect his eyes when he was locked in their dusty, unfinished basement in winter or in the truck of a car during the height of summer. There was the way he was always a little cold, always preferring a jacket or parka even in the warm months.

There were his ears.

Len hid his too-pointed ears first with his hair and later, with bravado and scorn that suggested that anyone questioning him simply didn’t understand the full extent of human diversity.

The kids in Central’s slums didn’t really care to ask questions of how - they were not so young as to not know about the planes with their pesticides, the explosions from the secret laboratories everyone knew were there, the strange diseases that came through their water (drink soda instead, the schoolteachers advised with haunted eyes; if you must drink water, boil it first if you can, hope for the best if you can’t) - but they were more than happy to mock Len about his almost elfin ears, particularly when he was still young and delicate.

Len’s dad solved that problem when Len was eight, his mother dead and unable to interpose herself, by taking a knife to their sensitive tips.

Len screamed for hours, days, in unending agony, but Lewis locked him in the basement before he left, and by the time he returned Len was mute and the wounds had begun to heal.

At least his hearing - far superior to others in his age group, and vitally useful to knowing when to flee as the police approached - wasn’t impacted.

(Len hadn’t spoken for nearly a month after the incident, walking through his days in a daze that slipped away from him; his ears had always been extremely sensitive, and the trauma seemed to loop endlessly in his mind - it was only Lisa, brought home from the hospital and dropped into his arms, that brought him back into his body.)

And then, of course, there’s his skin.

His skin, which he keeps as covered as much as he can; perfect and unblemished and able to read people’s thoughts if he wasn’t careful about who he touched.

“Contact telepathy”, the tapes called it; as a kid, he’d thought it was kind of cool, played around with some thoughts about making a living conning people like a medium or even one of those fake-supernatural detectives on TV.

Touching his dad in the midst of a rage – feeling the nasty curl of emotion, feeling the vicious pleasure in pain, feeling nothing for Len but ownership – had put a quick end to those thoughts. He didn’t want to hear thoughts, if that’s what other people’s minds were like.

Len’s pretty sure that’s it, though, or at least that was all he’d been able to detect. He’d worried perhaps most about certain, uh, genital differences, but his mother assured him that both he and his father had been entirely normal in that respect - the mohyel she’d gone to in secret after her equally secret home birth had been old and half blind, and had politely not mentioned the shade of Len’s blood - and that his father had been normal enough to make her pregnant, after all, so how different could they really be?

Besides, Len doesn’t look all that different.

Sadly, Len’s father had helpfully not included much of anything about Vulcan anatomy in the tapes he’d given Len’s mother. As Len aged, he became increasingly convinced that the tapes were standard - some stupid Intro to Vulcan Culture 101 meant for alien species, not insiders, because it always seemed to portray the Vulcans as some sort of perfect species even though Len could pick out some inconsistencies they hadn’t quite managed to whitewash away.

At any rate, it meant that Len had to hope for the best.

And he did, making his way all, alone in the world – as far as he knew.

Turns out, he didn’t know as much as he thought he did.

It happened in juvie.

Day one of Len’s very first stay, when he was still unaware of how vicious it could be and how seriously some of the boys took themselves; he’d laughed at the wrong person, and they’d come after him, six of them.

Len’s stronger than a regular human, and as he grows he finds he’s a lot stronger, but he didn’t want to get into trouble – the more fool him – and he spent too much time trying to figure out how he should fight back to actually do it. They got him on the floor, first, punching and kicking, and one of them pulled out a knife.

That’s when Len started to panic, because he can’t get stabbed, not here, not in the middle of a group of stupid kids that’d spill everything, he can’t – but he couldn’t get out either, not even with his increased strength, they’d pinned him too well – the knife, the shiv, darted forward and Len threw himself to the side, felt it scrape by his side instead of stab right into him, and the kid was rearing back for another hit when suddenly they were all hit by a tornado.

At least, that’s what it felt like, swift and furious and pulling the kids off to throw them across the room, but it wasn’t actually a tornado.

It’s Mick.

Mick Rory, the boy no one is friends with, who sits alone at lunch and is said to have murdered his whole family.

He beats the boys so badly that they fled in tears, and then he picks Len up and gets him bandages from the nurse’s office so he can bandage himself up before anyone noticed anything had happened.

“Why’d you help me?” Len asks, suspicious, when it’s done and they’re assigned to be roommates by an indifferent teacher who doesn’t want to know any details.

Mick looks shifty.

“Tell me,” Len demands.

“The knife,” Mick finally admits. “It got you, just a little. It was green.”

“Blood disease,” Len says, automatically.

“I don’t think it is,” Mick says.

Len crosses his arms, a little painfully. “What do you think it is, then?”

“My grandmothers,” Mick says, hesitantly. “They used to say – this is probably real dumb –”

“Tell me.”

“Are you a Vulcan?” Mick blurts out.

Len stares at him, utterly lost for words. “How do you even know about those?” he hisses.

“My grandmothers told me,” Mick says.

“Were they Vulcans, too?”

“No,” Mick says, and Len’s shoulders slump. “They were something else, though. Not – normal.”

There are more aliens?

No, forget that; there were people who knew about Vulcans, it doesn’t matter what they are. What matters is that they might have answers.

“Your grandmothers…” Len starts.

“Dead,” Mick says. “Sorry. What about you?”

“My father,” Len admits, his shoulders gone slumped again. He should’ve guessed already; he never has any luck. “Gone.”

“And he was a Vulcan?”

“Yeah,” Len says, figuring it couldn’t hurt to admit it, just this once. After all, Mick already knew so much.

Mick nods. “My grandmothers were Klingons,” he offers.

“Never heard of ‘em.”

“Yeah, figured,” Mick says. “My grandmothers were from the future.”

Len twists to gape at him, because sure, he knows aliens exist, but time travel? That’s still weird and almost ridiculous enough not to be believed.

“Really!” Mick insists. “They got sent back in a time travel accident and got stuck. Twin sisters, Klingons; they did everything together, so I have no idea which one’s my actual grandmother, so I call ‘em both grandmother. They said a lot of weird stuff, though, but one of the things they said was that Vulcans were the ones who made first contact with humans, and they taught me to recognize some of the signs in case it happened in my lifetime. You’ve got ‘em all except the ears.”

Len flinches involuntarily. He can’t help himself; that memory still appears in his dreams with a monotonous regularity that does nothing to reduce the horror.

Mick looks away, guilt on his face. He’s close enough now to see the scars on the tops of Len’s now-more-regularly-curved ears, though perhaps not close enough to see how they’ve slowly and painstakingly been starting to grow back into their original pointed shape.

“It’s okay,” Len says, even though it very much is not.

They sit in silence for a few moments.

Len doesn’t know what to do with the information that he’s not alone after all, he really doesn’t.

Mick, luckily, has something in mind already.

“Wanna be friends?” he asks, just the slightest touch shy; it didn’t fit his face or his body, already tall as a man and strong as an ox.

Len’s pretty sure he’s never had a real friend before. He wonders if Mick will know how to do it.

“Sure,” Len says.

Turns out Mick also doesn’t know how to have friends, but it’s okay.

They work it out.

Most of the time.

The rest of the time, they go through the good times -

“What are you going to go as for Halloween?” Lisa asks one year.

“An alien,” Len deadpans. He’s working on some plans for a bank heist – nothing too serious, just a bit of fun.

Mick sniggers. He’s on the couch, fiddling with something small and mechanical – maybe a clock or something.

It’s nice, just the three of them here, squatting in this ridiculous house that’s deserted for the summer.

Len could get used to it.

“You can’t do the alien joke every year, Lenny!” Lisa whines.

“Watch me.”

“Ugh, come on, Lenny!” she exclaims. “One year, Lenny. For me. Please?”

“Fine,” Len gives in with a groan.

“Really?” Mick asks, amused. “You never give in on that one.”

“One year, and you don’t bother me about it again,” Len tells Lisa.

She rolls her eyes at him. “Fine,” she lies.

He knows she’s lying, she knows she’s lying, but it doesn’t really matter.

“Then we’re agreed,” Len says.

“But what’re you going to be?”

“Hey, Mick, pass me that box on the side table?” Len asks.

Mick looks for it, frowning. His eyesight is a bit better at tracking moving objects and a bit worse at identifying sitting objects than humans.

“Next to the remote.”

Mick finds it – a small box, no bigger than the palm of his hand. “This one?”

“Yeah. Open it for me?”

“It’s too small to have a Halloween costume,” Lisa says.

“Wanna bet?”

“Against you, big brother? Never.”

Len snorts and turns to look at Mick, who’s opened the box and is frozen solid, staring at the contents. “Well?” he asks, fairly sure about the answer, but still that slightest bit nervous regardless.

“It’s it illegal?” Mick asks.

“Has that ever stopped us?” Len points out.

“Good point,” Mick says, blinking. “Uh. Yes. I guess.”

“Say it with a bit of enthusiasm, why don’t you,” Len pretends to grouse. “It’s the only logical next step, you know.”

“You’d better drop it with that logical shit,” Mick says, having seen Len’s tapes by now, but his tone is entirely fond.

“Isn’t what illegal?” Lisa asks, looking between the two of them. “What’re you talking about?”

Mick holds up two matching rings. “Guess we’re going as groom and groom for Halloween this year,” he jokes.

Lisa’s shriek nearly splits both of their eardrums.

– and sometimes the bad times –

“You just got shot!” Mick shrieks, years later, when a job goes particularly off the rails.

“I get shot all the time,” Len protests weakly, reaching for the bandages. “It was a through-and-through!”

“Yeah! Through and through your heart!”

Len grimaces down at his chest, where indeed there is a bullet hole in the middle of his left pectoral. And yet, for some reason, he’s definitely not dying. Judging from the way the blood keeps pouring out of the wound, his heart’s doing just fine.

“We’re getting a doc,” Mick says. His tone does not accept any other result.

“Fine,” Len sighs. “But I’d like one with a narcotics addiction and red-green color blindness.”

Mick blinks at him owlishly.

“I have a list of ‘em prepped,” Len says. “It’s in the phone book.”

“Red-green colorblind?”

“So they don’t notice the blood,” Len explains.

“You think they won’t notice the hole in your heart?”

“That’s why they need to have a narcotics addiction,” Len says. “We’re going to shoot ‘em up afterwards and let them think it was all a bad trip.”

“Fine,” Mick says, and stomps off.

The doc they find is as colorblind as a dog and doesn’t even blink at the gushing green blood, though he does run at least six x-rays to try to confirm his result regarding the heart thing.

“Uh,” he says, squinting at the readings. “I think - I mean - okay, your heart is where your liver ought to be and everything’s incredibly fucked up. But you should be fine other than that? The bullet missed your lung. Or any organ, actually, you don’t have much there.”

“Yippee,” Len says dryly, and they pay their bill with enough morphine to make sure the doc’s not going to be asking any questions anytime soon.

“Fucking Vulcans,” Mick says afterwards. “Probably should’ve guessed it when we found out you were practically a herbivore, food-wise, even though you keep on trying to eat meat because you’re a fucking idiot…”

“Now, now, Mick,” Len says. “That’s not a very logical thing to say.”

“Vulcans can take their logic and shove it up my –”

Len starts laughing, which is rare enough for him that Mick twists around to stare.

“I thought I was the only one allowed to do that,” Len says, as innocently as he can manage.

Mick rolls his eyes at him. “Stop laughing. I thought you were having a fit.”

“Just a bit of leftover humanity, I assure you,” Len says.

– and the plain old weird times.

“Uh, hi, Mick,” Len says into the phone, covering his eyes with his hand.

“That’s quick,” Mick grunts. At least he hasn’t hung up. “Usually you stay angry at me for at least a few more months. Not sure I’m ready to make up so quick.”

“Yeah, about that,” Len says, then swallows. Well, no way around it, so he may as well charge forward. “Uh. So, it turns out my alien species is overwhelmed by a desire to mate or die once every seven years, and my body’s decided that you’re my true mate, so can we maybe get over our disagreement faster than usual now and get to the mating thing before I die?”

“That’s…the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard,” Mick says blankly. “And we’re married.”

“It’s not a pick-up line!”

“Uh, huh,” Mick says skeptically. “Your super logical no-emotions species has a built in fuck-or-die trope. Right. You could’ve just said that you were super horny and wanted a booty call, you know.”

“It’s true,” Len whines. He’s blushing. He never blushes, and he’s blushing. It’s probably related to the way he feels like his entire body is cooking. “It’s like – salmon returning to their spawning point –”

“You’ve never seen a live fish in your life,” Mick, the farm boy, says, sounding vaguely pained. “That’s totally not how it works.”

“Mick! Please!”

Mick pauses. “Wait, you’re actually serious?”

“Yes,” Len says. “Now I’m already starting to totally lose it, so can we lock ourselves into a room and bang for a week already?”

“How often did you say this happens?” Mick asks.

“Every seven years,” Len says grumpily.

“You know, the timing of our honeymoon seems oddly suspicious to me now…”

“Shut up. You coming over?”

“No, you’re coming over here,” Mick says. “I have a nice apartment set up, and I’ll make us some snacks.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Len promises.

“That’s not possible with traffic –”

Len is there in ten minutes.

Mick’s very impressed.

He’s even more impressed when Len picks him up and carries him to bed.

Three cheers for Vulcan strength.

And so it goes.

Len is remarkably good at keeping what he is a secret, and he adapts his ways to keep Mick’s heritage a secret, too, and the few times anyone sees him bleed, saying “Central City lead poisoning” with a wince and a shrug turns out to be a pretty convincing lie.

And so it goes.

Mick doesn’t know when, exactly, Vulcans are supposed to make contact, and it’s not like Len hears anything back from his father, so they both resign themselves to being just a little bit weirder than everyone else.

Right up until they meet the man from the future, who has a space ship.

Sure, it also travels through time, but that’s not really what they’re interested in.

Len looks at Mick.

Mick looks at Len.

There is no way they’re passing this up.

(They end up having to hijack the Waverider when their trip is nearly derailed by space pirates, but it’s totally worth it for Len to punch his stupid father right in his stupid, logical, eyebrow-arching Vulcan face, despite the man’s claims that he was barred from returning due to Earth not being ready for Contact. Mick’s grandmothers – they went and picked them up on the way – approve. Rip, who had no idea Len was a Vulcan, does not, but oh, well!)

[orrtala]

Space Family Relationships Analysis Part One

It’s a liveblog! I only finished season two, please no spoilers in the comments/reblogs!

(more character analyses)

(version for mobile users - if you liked the content please like/reblog this post!)

Some of these are short, some are shorter, but overall it’s pretty lengthy so under the cut we go!

Keith & Coran

Sadly there’s not much to go on, but from what we’ve seen Keith respects Coran, and in comic he, along with other Paladins, was absolutely ready to ‘rescue him’. Older Altean is a member of his newfound family just like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Coran looks out for Red Paladin just like for others and unlike Allura was not bothered by his heritage. He was also the one trying to get him away from fighting Zarkon. And there was of course the moment where Coran just barged into Keith’s room looking for one of Allura’s mice (I’m still wondering what did they take from him) and Red Paladin questioned him about Galra potentially being on Earth thinking the Altean would be the best person to know about that.

So as of now we can assume that they do consider each other family, even if they are not the closest to each other. Potential for future interactions? Coran is one of the people who can understand Keith’s loss best. Keith might pilot a Black Lion while Shiro’s gone but he’s still a Red Paladin at heart, and if Alfor is his predecessor, then Coran might have something to say about that. On Keith’s part he could reach to Coran for help with his new role on the team as well as ask him more questions about whatever stuff could come up with a future plot.

They could actually make an interesting duo provided they interacted with each other more. Coran is a quirky father figure of a team who helped Hunk with his character development, tried to poke at Shiro’s worries and make him relax, talked to Lance when wave of homesickness hit him, so why not some interaction with Keith who lost his parents and was lonely for big part of his life? Give them a chance to connect, writers!

Pidge & Allura

Voltron ladies! They… don’t get much screentime together.

Pidge and Allura didn't initially hit off. The introduction to the future Voltron team aside their real first interaction was during dinner which turned into the green goo fight. Altean was pushing them hard, belittled them, shot missiles at them and their Lions, and at the end of the day made them miserable not letting them eat. And Pidge snapped, which is understandable though…

“Oh, the princess of what? We’re the only ones out here and she's no princess of ours!”

…Well. That was rather harsh all things considered. Allura did lose her whole planet, race, civilization, and hearing these words prompted her to send a spoonful of goo right at her head. Keith reacted shortly after and soon everyone were covered in, ah, what they call “food” on the ship and the comment was forgotten after they finally get to properly form Voltron.

In “Fall of the Castle of Lions” upon hearing from mice that Pidge is a girl Allura's initial reaction was “wtq” but soon became “oh yes, maybe I'll finally get some girl talk on this ship”. Aaaaaaand it was pretty awkward. Green Paladin clearly didn't want to talk, offering some information about peanut butter and sweating (unrelated to the peanuts) and tried to escape but Princess insisted on getting information out of her. What she got was essentially “I want to save my father and brother and at least I have a shot at this unlike you” – she was just running her mouth this time and immiedieately asked for forgivness – and “I'm leaving team Voltron.” Yeah, that could have gone better.

During the Castle lockdown they worked together, both determined to save everyone, Pidge running around, destroying sentries, losing Rovers; while Allura told her what to do. After everything Katie decided to stay and told everyone, including the Princess, that she's a girl.

After that not much had happened between them, acting as teammates like with everybody else. There is, of course, a potential for future interaction, given how they both lost people they care about and with Allura becoming a Paladin. There's also a chance for bonding thanks to the Castle's machinery which Pidge is enamored with and Princess knows a lot about. And, well, Katie did wear a dress in a picture, so she might not be averse for some dress-ups, I bet Allura would like that.

Lance & Coran

Lance was the first person who interacted with older Altean and it didn’t exactly go well; Coran attacked Lance and when the Blue Paladin wanted to leave he was rather flippant about Coran, calling him “old man.” Later however Coran took care of him just like of the other Paladins even though they kept irritating him with failing training again and again.

During the party in the Castle the Cuban teenager got homesick, excused himself and Altean followed him. Lance in his Lance fashion opened up and they shared a sweet but also a somber moment where they talked about missing home. After Rover blew up Blue saved Coran’s life (though Coran apparently doesn’t exactly remember this fact) despite knowing him for a little time.

In later episodes they shared little moments. Lance wants to record a siren noise? Go ahead, son. “Lance, you didn’t meet any girls?” Getting the kid into cleaning the pods together, happy to tell him stories from the past and then clearly upset when Blue Paladin seemingly left.

I do expect to see more of these two in a future, Coran is a good person who he could talk about his insecurities (though it seems a little too… easy? But he is a choice here so,) the Altean could share some stories with him and Lance is a good choice if he wanted to find a person who he could share some problems with. Cause sure, Shiro and Allura have problems with opening up to others/don’t want others to know about their trobules but Coran? Most of the time even the audience doesn’t know if there is something that bothers him or not. I could use some more insight and some chat with Lance would be a nice opportunity.

Hunk & Keith

Back in S1 Keith had the least amount of interaction with Hunk when it came to his fellow Paladins. He knew Shiro, made a connection with Pidge, bickered with Lance. Meanwhile Hunk was the guy who, despite having a good read on people accused Keith of being a cold person, but was also the first person to hug him at the beginning and also tried to make sure Keith wasn’t too embarrased (making Keith smile the widest smile so far thanks Hunk.) What I think happened here is that Yellow Paladin not only didn’t have much contact with his Red teammate, but his view on him was most likely tainted by Lance’s opinions. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Keith, but he wasn’t his favourite person either. And Keith isn’t an open person, often coming off as a harsh one and can’t really convey his real feelings.

Then “The Belly of the Weblum” happened and we finally got to see these two in action together. It was right after everyone learned that Keith is part-Galra, Allura was giving him a cold shoulder, and now Hunk was asking him uncomfortable questions. “Hey, so now that you’re Galra you’re like different?” “…I’ve always been part-Galra, nothing has changed.” And, well… Yes and no. Keith is still Keith and Hunk didn’t really knew him that well. But at the same time mullet boy gradually opened up to others and here, he calmed his teammate down (in his own way,) even inititating a psyhical contact by touching his shoulder, and, at the end, praised him. Also attempted to make a joke which was the favorite point of this conversation for Hunk.

During their little adventure, despite not trusting the mysterious Galra Hunk decided to trust Keith’s judgement, though he had his own opinion. After everything was set and down he asked Red Paladin about next moves, again, trusting his decisions.

When Hunk said “I think turning Galra has made you a better human” he meant that he sees Keith for who he is and that Keith has accepted himself as well, that he’s more approachable now. And he trusts him.

I think the creators said that these two are the ‘unusal’ duo in the show, which, sadly, probably means we won’t be seeing them together that frequently. But I’ll be here, waiting, for any future interactions between these two. Like hugs. Hunk is the best hugger, Keith wants hugs. Please, I need it.

Lance & Allura

The first time we meet Allura she wakes up from 10 000 years sleep, falls down and almost breaks her nose if Lance wasn’t there to catch her. She looks up, asks for a name, and… surprising absolutely no one he flirts with her. The Princess in turn gets angry and attacks the newcomer with hideous ears, “How do you have the Blue Lion? What happened to its paladin?” doesn’t understand how he could obtain the Lion. Which is emphasized later, during the Lion assigment. Allura is about to explain Blue Paladin’s qualities, Lance interrupt her with flirty remark and… yeah, she doesn’t look like a person who’s confident with Blue’s choice, is she.

Their interaction consists mostly on flirting. One-sided flirting. But most of the time he tries to lighten up the mood. Everyone is kind of worried when he stumbles out of the pod? “Talking? Eating? Are you asking me out on a date?” Allura huffs and everyone is like “yeah, he’s alright.” Allura is worried about Ulaz? He decides to stay behind with her. Allura thinks she’s responsible for Zarkon tracking them? Flirts with her to distract her.

And Allura for most of the time exasperated, but the only time I can think of where she turned angry is in comics (aside from the pilot, of course,) and one time she actually kind of picked up on the flirting, wanting to go to the mall as well.

Lance, while he might look like a hopeless flirt most of the time respects Allura a lot, absolutely okay with taking orders from her while harboring a crush. And here’s a thing; Lance’s fliritng is what he does, he does it to validate himself, he wants to be liked and Allura is a badass alien gorgeous Princess, what’s not to like here?

Princess is not interested in Lance in slightest, but aside from the beginning where she doubted him (and, let’s be fair, she doubted all the Paladins) she didn’t question his abilities and was friendly towards the guy. And, again, can only think of only two times she was angry at him.

Lance is a person who has set connection with everyone. He’s Hunk’s best friend, Pidge is a part of their Garrison Trio, he interacted with Coran a lot and while there’s a lot of work when it comes to Keith and him it’s obviously set up for better interactions later on. The only exceptions are Shiro (topic for the next post) and Allura. And with Altean piloting Blue Lion and joining the team? There’s a lot they could do together to understand each other better now! Allura as a new Blue Paladin will have to work like Lance at least to some capacity and she could turn to him for some help with that. Working together on field will be a new experience for them both. There could be a point where Allura talks to Lance about Red Paladin’s role, especially if it was her father who used to be one with Lance piloting Red now, although I’m not holding my breath for that. And, of course, there’s a matter of Blue Paladin’s qualities which are technically still unknown. Allura and Coran are the only people in team who have extensive knowledge about that, but it would be much more fitting if the Princess was the one who revealed them.

Shiro & Hunk

At the very beginning Hunk didn’t really know how to approach Shiro, vary enough to be the only one member of Garrison Trio to not shake his prosthetic, alien hand back in the shack, clearly afraid and unsure of it. He does catch on the fact that Shiro the most experienced and safest person around (duh) and thus proceedes to hide behind him whenever someone or something potentially dangerous happens.

In “Taking Flight” Shiro agrees about not letting anyone into the Castle. Sometime after Hunk takes Shiro on a side, and expresses his concerns about Rolo and Nyma. And Black Paladin listens, actually considers his words and explains his viewpoint despite the fact that our resident engineer seemed like a jerk a little bit.

There was also this little sweet moment where Hunk thanked Shiro in lifting Balmerans’ spirits up.

So yeah, there’s not much interactions between them, but from what we’ve seen there’s obvious mutual respect. Hunk, like other Paladins, recognized that Shiro is a leader from the day one, Black Paladin helped him before the character arc kicked in and Hunk gained confidence and stopped hiding behind him.

What I would like to potentially see is Hunk fullfilling his Yellow Paladin duties. Shiro has less interactions with legs than arms and given how Hunk and Lance are the support while Shiro hides his insecurities it’s not accidental. Except Lance kind of seeks Black Paladin and his attention, while Hunk has much more neutral stance here. As a Yellow Paladin Hunk is a good candidate to help Shiro and support him. Lend an ear, make him a plate of cookies, simple stuff like that. It’s just that Shiro would have to be the one ready to open up at some point.

Keith & Allura

We’ve seen them being stuck with each other twice in S1 (in first episode while waiting for other Paladins to come back with Green and Yellow Lions and when Sendak took over the Castle) and yet we’ve barely saw them interact with each other these two times. Though there are other instances where they react to each other through the season. In “Some Assembly Required” Keith wasn’t impressed with Allura pushing them around, was first one to really defy her during the dinner technically starting the goo fight (Keith got up and went about toy prisoners with Lance’s addition -> Coran told him to not speak like that -> Pidge made a comment -> Allura threw goo at the other girl -> “GO LOOSE, PIDGE!” - so thank Keith for a goo fight.) There were small moments, when he was staring and smiling at her in “Return of the Gladiator” and “The Fall of the Castle of Lions”, he ‘defends’ her in the former episode and she talks to him about importance of peace; and in latter she stares in bewilderment at his nunvill drinking and then joined him to protect Arusians. It’s heavily implied they decided on a strategy on dealing with Sendak while standing outside the Castle. Allura gets upset when Keith tries to open Lance’s pod early. He was also worried when she decided to join the team in “Collection and Extraction” and equally upset as others when she got caught.

Keith was the one who suggested leaving her with Galra, but he was clearly displeased by the idea and did it only thinking about bigger picture. And here’s a fun thing:

“You five paladins were brought here for a reason. The Voltron Lions are meant to be piloted by you and you alone. We must fight and keep fighting until we defeat Zarkon. It is our destiny. Voltron is the universe’s only hope. We are the universe’s only hope.” - Allura in “The Rise of Voltron”.

“Or maybe we shouldn’t go on this mission at all. Think about it. We'll be delivering the universe’s only hope to the universe’s biggest enemy.” - Keith in “The Black Paladin”

Keith basically followed what Altean Princess told the humans at the very beginning. What’s more Allura was shocked they rescued her, expecting to be left behind. Also, in a nature of parallel, Red Paladin defends Black Lion from Zarkon (alone) while Princess saves Shiro from Haggar (along with Hunk.)

So after S1 we had some basis for their relationship. Keith seems to care about Allura’s opinion a lot, taking her words to the heart on multiple occasions. Allura values Keith like every other Paladin and despite their few moments of irritation at the beginning they ultimately work together well and are more similiar than one would think.

Then S2 kicked and they got an actual arc together! It started in “Shiro’s Escape” where Keith going along with Allura for the most part about not trusting the Galra, only disagreeing with her at the end, after Ulaz sacrificed himself and he started having strong suspicions about his Galran heritage.

In “The Ark of Taujeer” when they catch each other essentially doing the same thing (except Allura planned on going back while Keith had his belongings packed with him.) Princess falls into his arms, the Paladin tries to lie his way out of this (keyword: tries) and they both ran away together to protect the team (which was a stupid decision but they came back so it’s okay,) had a talk about potentially trusting the Galra, were stuck together in space, and took a ride together in Red Lion.

Then the truth about Keith’s heritage came out and… …I talked a lot about how I understand Allura’s side of things even if Keith didn’t deserve that treatment. The big point here is that Keith suspected something about it and didn’t share it with her while during the pod journey she opened up to him. To add to that if Alfor used to be a Red Paladin as well it’s very probable that having a part-Galra successor was a sore point for her as well. Also she didn’t do much to him except gave him a cold shoulder for quite some time. Sure it was hurtful, especially given Red Paladin’s history with abandonment. She had to come to the right conclusion on her own and that’s what she did! It was a complicated situation and everyone in team recognized this.

Also there was a hug and there’s never enough of those.

They are similiar in many aspects, as proven by their selfless and self-sacrificing actions (sometimes in the same episode to drive the point home.) They both lost parents at some point and had to defy the artificial/vision father. Both value family a lot, both have trust issues and problems with opening to others. Also together they can come up with some bad decisions (the whole running away thing like… don’t do that.)

Of course there are also differences between them. People tend to like Allura, she’s a charming person in general, she grew up loved by everyone, lost her father recently (…well, okay, I know that 10 000 years is a rather long time, but from her perspective it wasn’t that long ago) and tries to be diplomatic, even if in personal relations she tends to fail. People don’t really warm to Keith that quickly, misinterpreting his actions and he’s hardly charming; it seems he lost his parents at earlier point in his life than the Altean Princess, missing the affection for a long time, and usually misses social cues no matter the situation and/or is told to calm down. Allura calms him down when he’s getting worked up.

At this point in their friendship they seem to understand each other in some capacity; if there’s anyone who could understand Keith’s loss now that Shiro’s gone Allura (and Coran, I guess, but next part will be about that) is the best bet. It’s going to be interesting to see them in future, especially given how Allura will be a Paladin and Keith is going to pilot the Black Lion. Though Princess still will be in charge of everything. Also they’re going to work together on the field, fighting.

Allura is also a person who had a glimpse of Keith’s self-doubt about his place in a team, reminding him that they can’t form Voltron without him and when she approaches him in “Best Laid Plans” she essentially tells him he has a family to come back to. So if Keith will have some doubts about that in a future Princess might be the one to recognize the problem.

Another potential plot point the show could take with them is Keith being a Red Paladin after Alfor (if the King was RP, that is.) Sure, Keith is going to be in Black, while Lance is going to pilot Red now, but ultimately we know who’s his real pilot. I can imagine amoment in a future where Allura compares Keith to her late father.

Pidge & Coran

While we didn’t see that much of them interacting they seem to be rather close.

“But I’ve made some great friends along the way. Coran is one of my closest. He’s always been there for me, providing a laugh when I needed it and teaching me so much about the vast universe - and some of it’s true!”

That’s what Pidge thinks about Coran according to the comics (and I didn’t screenshot this quote during liveblog because? I don’t know, clearly I need to rethink my life choices.) And she is clearly emotional about him.

In the show proper we’ve seen them interacting few times (Coran praising and insulting Pidge at the same time in “The Rise of Voltron”,“I have you ranked by height, okay?” Pidge looking at the Castle tech, interested what Coran has to say about it.) In “Eye of the Storm” they work together on the wormholer (although Coran got angry at Pidge mentioning his sickness haha) and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say they operated on Castle’s technology multiple times.

So it seems like unlike the other arm Paladin Katie was totally fine opening up to Coran in some capacity at least, and while there is some potential for future interaction I’m… not getting vibes of getting much here except working together a lot? I could be wrong though. It would be nice to be wrong about that.

Part Two Shiro & Kolivan  Keith & Lance Garrison Trio Keith & Shiro Paladins & Lions

(Garrison Trio, Keith & Shiro and Paladins & Lions will take up seperate posts, I’ll put links here when they’ll be done.)

[lethesomething]

Bakugou and his dads

Still not a dream daddy post.

Midoriya is far from the only character who gets a lot of mentoring help throughout the BnHA series. So let's talk about Bakugou for a(nother) moment, shall we?

I don't know what it is about middle school in Japan, but it seems to really suck? In every high school anime I watch, all the drama always happens in middle school, and the teaching staff is highly lax, if not completely irresponsible. They certainly didn't do much to quell a young Bakugou's more violent tendencies, or help a young Midoriya with what is very obviously a bullying problem. It's fairly safe to say that until he goes to UA, Bakugou basically lacks in authority figures, which is one (not all) of the reasons he got to act as bad as he did.

Since the start of the series, he's gotten a bit better. So let's examine his dads (and one mum).  

How to contain an explosion

The first time we see an actual authority figure reign in Bakugou, is when he hits UA. And in this case you can take that quite literally.  

That person is, of course, Aizawa. Now I friggin love Aizawa because he is one of the most underrated characters in the series and I will shout that to the rooftops for all eternity but also, Aizawa is, for his students and specifically for Bakugou, a constant source of lowkey support. His teaching method is very much hands-off, letting his students make mistakes and figure out solutions for themselves, which seems to be the go-to for all anime mentors everywhere, but his support is definitely there. Because, and this is important, he looks beyond posing. Beyond attitudes and images. He has reason to, of course. Aizawa looks and acts like a drunken hobo half the time, but he is actually one of the better teachers and heroes as UA. He knows a thing or two about appearances.

And honestly, it is very much needed. UA and the entirety of the story are, remember, utterly brutal to Bakugou and his self-esteem. It's a pretty classic 'break him down before you can build him up' sort of theme. But Aizawa is not part of this. He restrains the kid exactly twice. Once, when he was about to (possibly) murder Midoriya, and a second time when he was blatantly breaking UA rules. Aizawa does not belittle Bakugou, he does not fear him and most of all, he does not underestimate him.

He knows him, advises him. He defends him.

He will scold him, but mostly he has a certain amount of respect for the kid. He trusts him.

I think for Bakugou that is incredibly important. Because Aizawa is someone he respects. Here is a pro hero who has taken the time to get to actually know him.

Aizawa is someone who puts down clear boundaries and then gives him the freedom to stay within them. Whether out of disinterest or fear, that middle school teacher way back in the first episode wasn't even trying to stop him from hurting Midoriya. That sort of shit would not fly in Aizawa's class. But he's also not going to lay it out for him.  He trusts that Bakugou will, in fact, sort himself out. Once your core is on the right track, the rest will follow.

We are shown, in a very real way, that this is how you get the best results with Bakugou. Horikoshi does this by showing us how NOT to do it. For instance, while Best Jeanist certainly has the intentions and the authority as a Pro Hero to mentor him, he goes about it all wrong.

Because what he does is exactly that: micromanage, completely make over the outside, not the inside.

You can't just expect the kid to change his entire being like that. Certainly not because it's fairly clear that Best Jeanist, well-meaning as he is, is not exactly trying to understand Bakugou.

Manga spoilers under the cut

In a way, Best Jeanist is allowing himself to be led by the image of Bakugou on that podium at the Sports Festival. The same image the League uses when they decide to kidnap the kid. The very same one, also, that causes everyone else to be really worried that the villains now have an Evil King of Explodo Kills in their ranks. And Aizawa shuts them the hell down.

I love that scene, because it's the friggin second time that Aizawa has to stand up and defend Bakugou's character and intelligence against people who misinterpret it from his attitude. It's the scene that shows, again, how much better Aizawa understands this kid than almost everyone else, and it has far reaching consequences. One: it gives Bakugou hope while he sits as a hostage in the League of Villains headquarters.

Look at that reaction. He was hoping, expecting even, that Aizawa would act like this. Because he *knows* deep down that Aizawa trusts him and considers him decent at heart. He's not about to let that man down.

Two: it is also this scene that is later brought up by his parents.

  The Bakugous

Let's talk about them for a minute. Because while Bakugou's problems run deep, he does have two caring parents. Sadly, both of them are badly equipped to deal with a kid like him. It's hard enough to raise a rebellious teen who hangs out with the wrong friends. Now imagine if that teen could literally burn down the house if he had a bad day.

We're shown that his mother has his general disposition, turning any conversation between the two into a shouting match. His father, meanwhile, is a bit too mild of a character to stand up to his son. One lacks attitude, the other lacks authority and you can imagine this brewing and festering for YEARS, making his home life less than ideal. In the words of All Might, they're dysfunctional.

Which doesn't mean they're bad people. It's fairly obvious to me that they love their son.

It's interesting to note that they realize their issues, are even willing to own up to them, in a roundabout way. Specifically his mother is adamant about getting what's best for her son. She knows he's been spoiled. She is very aware that not many people in his life have really tried to get under Bakugou's skin the way Aizawa seems to be able to.

She probably also realizes, even if she doesn't put it that way, that she and her husband have not been capable of providing him with whatever it was he needed to grow, to calm down, to find some form of inner peace. They're literally putting him in the hands of Aizawa and the UA staff, in the hopes that they can do what the Bakugous themselves couldn't. That they'll understand him.

So let's talk about All Might

Speaking of understanding Bakugou. You can't really talk about BnHA without involving All Might somewhere, because he's at the core of so much of the plot.   For Midoriya he is the hero that saves everyone and never gives up, while for Bakugou he's the hero that always wins. He's the big symbol of peace for half the cast, for others he's a rival, a prize, the only worthy hero or the only one worth killing, you name it. All Might is a canvas upon which other people project their own dreams and insecurities. But most importantly: he's Bakugou's hero, and the one who chose Midoriya as his successor. And once Bakugou realizes that, being the smart AF kid he is, it becomes a major source of pain for him.

So let's say that Bakugou's relationship with All Might is… complicated.

You see, mhile, Aizawa and Bakugou can sort of be cold and distant and Tsun As All Hell at each other, All Might is a very different sort of teacher/father figure. He's generally a softer, remarkably gentle person, even as a hero. He's warmer than Aizawa. He has trouble being stern and his standard mode is 'comfort. There's a reason his slogan is 'It's alright now'.

That is hard for someone like Bakugou, who is averse to touch, who is scared of emotion, to deal with.

But All Might’s demeanour translates into the way he teaches, too. He cares a bit Too Much. Which is lovely, but not always practical? I hate to say this, but he's terrible at being a responsible adult and if this wasn't a ridiculous shounen universe school, he'd have been fired by now.

For instance, he fails more than once to stop exercises that have gone WAY out of hand. From the first Villains vs Heroes exercise where Midoriya squares off against Bakugou, to things like the OVA above. Literal zombies have taken over a forest and Aizawa's all 'yeah we should get them out now' but then All Might persuades him to just let it go on as a 'survival exercise'. Everything turns out alright, of course, but you can't always rely on the power of shounen to assume your students will survive every time. All Might doesn't even stop the after curfew fight between Midoriya and Bakugou until it's run its course. He does this, of course, because he wants them to process their feelings and all that.

And again, it works. For the hero and the person of All Might, this was probably the right decision. But for a teacher, two kids sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night to beat each other up is a 'stop immediately' sort of thing, not a 'wait until they've opened up their hearts to each other' situation.

I don't know if it's the innate wisdom of All Might, like he just knows these kids that well, or if he's just lucky that his plans keep working out for the best. But the series does make it very clear that All Might is a human being, with flaws. He has a lot of baggage, he’s honestly quite a mess. I can't… really blame him for this.

This man is a pretty amazing character, who has been going through a lot lately, and as such he was, understandably, very focused on Midoriya. So focused, in fact, that he failed to see the effect on Bakugou until they were already rolling on the ground having a fist/kick fight.

And Bakugou really wants few things more in life than for the people he respects to make time for him. To understand him. For Bakugou, All Might's singular focus on the green haired kid only made things worse.

But All Might, like so many characters in this series, grows. He's starting to get some glimpse as to what the hell is going on between those two and he probably realizes that he has some role to play in that. He's becoming a better teacher, a better father figure, which is a really good thing because honestly, Bakugou can use all the help he gets, ok? Yes, he needs someone to understand him and place boundaries, like Aizawa does. But he also needs someone to understand him and offer hugs, whether he will admit that or not.

PS: I am in BnHA hell and I have a lot of these.

[marginalgloss]

palpable depth

I read The Letter of Marque by Patrick O’Brian alongside Eric Hobsbawm’s history of the revolutionary period of the early nineteenth century, and it gave me much to think about. In that era we see how market capitalism and state interests overlap, and how they are supported with what analysts today call ‘power projection’. The line of battle ships back then were the most sophisticated weapons of their time, handled by a combination of manpower and machine which was uniquely specialised. But the ships and the men who sailed them stood on the shoulders of giants, and what it is harder to find in any character study is the full shape of that giant.

There’s a tendency today to look at naval warfare of the time as being all spectacle. But considering the immense efforts and expenditure that went into launching these vessels, the actual business of fighting made up only the tiniest portion of what went into putting all those men out there. Tens of men might die on a voyage but how many died, how many suffered, before they could even leave port? And yet those short, incredibly violent engagements between over-crowded, over-engineered floating fortresses could have consequences far beyond the range of their guns.

You might think that the new context of a private military endeavour might enable a certain amount of commentary on what has, until now, been a relatively settled state of affairs. But for Jack Aubrey, the transition from public servant to private master is remarkably smooth. Perhaps that in itself is the commentary, but for the most part the author’s focus is on the incidental details that mark him out as a mercenary: the differences in livery, discipline, and so on. As ever, O’Brian seems outwardly admiring of all these efforts, though determinedly equivocal with regards to their wider benefit.

The story of The Letter of Marque follows on without a breath from The Reverse of the Medal. Captain Jack Aubrey has turned privateer, with his old friend Stephen Maturin stumping up the required cash to buy the Surprise and to pay his crewmates to come along. Stephen’s contacts in the intelligence world have given them a secret mission to South America, but the main substance of this book concerns a couple of exploratory ventures that are partly intended to restore Jack’s reputation and build up his fortune again. The first involves a Spanish ship full of quicksilver; the second a daring raid on a French frigate moored in an unfriendly port.

This is Aubrey’s first taste of success without a sting in the tail for a very long time. There’s still a lingering bitterness that comes from being an outsider to his beloved service — initially, this is described as a certain ‘sealing off…[that] had turned him into a eunuch as far as emotion was concerned.’ (It’s a fairly startling image; apart from anything else it is not altogether clear what a potent male model of emotion in O’Brian’s work would look like.) But since his victories bring sudden popular acclaim, his upset soon seems like more of an inconvenience than a threat. As so often is the case, for the most part he is simply too busy to worry about it very often.  It’s difficult to see at this stage if that seal will linger. Even the sudden death of his father gives him little cause for grief here.

Stephen, meanwhile, is concerned in part with intelligence matters; but mostly he’s thinking about Diana, his estranged wife. An opportunity has arisen to visit her in Sweden, where she has been living for the last few books with Jagiello, who we met way back in The Surgeon’s Mate. But it won’t be till the end of this story that they meet again, and we get to find out exactly where they stand now in relation to one another. 

In the mean time, the book is full of incident. It is all good-natured, upbeat stuff, even though it is peppered with strange nuggets of darkness. There’s the offhand revelation that the new cook is an actual devil worshipper, for example, or the sad fate of the French agent who aided Maturin at the tail end of the last book. I like O’Brian’s scheme to wean Maturin off his long-standing addiction to opium. His servant Padeen begins stealing it from his cabin, and making up the absence in the flasks with brandy. Being that Padeen is so large and somewhat slow, nobody seems to notice him walking around stoned on the stuff. There’s a sort of dark poetic irony in the situation of Maturin effectively offloading his own addiction on the poor man, even if he doesn’t entirely know what he’s doing. Padeen is bearing the load that Maturin hardly imagined he was even carrying; one has to read into these things to tease the politics out of O’Brian.

It’s a strange thing: even as these books go on — and become in many ways more colourful, more enjoyable — the author’s aversion to anything really difficult becomes more pronounced. Emotion is difficult; confrontation is difficult; settled routine and lasting relationships are difficult. Looking at the circumstances of one’s condition is worst of all. Better to sail onward. Better to break it all up, with violence if you have to.

But this book also does something strange and new for the series. There is throughout this recurring image of a hot air balloon. It’s partly an object of Stephen’s fascination, a little like the diving bell was previously, but in this case it seems to come up in spite of him as well as because of him. Apparently people are talking about balloons all the time in 1812. A balloon begins to feel like an animating spirit of the book. Second-hand reports of the experience feel like dispatches from another world:

‘“…But what I had not derived from his account was the extraordinary intensification of living, the palpable depth of the universal silence, and the very great awareness of the light and colour of this other world – an otherness that was made all the stronger because through an occasional gap in the clouds our ordinary world could be seen, with silver rivers very, very far below and the roads distinct. Yet in time that changed to rock and ice, even farther below; and in my keen delight there was mingled an undefined sense of a dread as huge as the sky itself; it was not merely a fear of being destroyed, but worse; perhaps that of being wholly and entirely lost, body and soul…”’

There’s a peculiar richness to these moments that is quite unlike anything seen before in these books. It is a deeply reflective quality; the author’s descriptions of the natural world touch upon it, but here more than ever before the imagery is bent towards the service of expressing the psychology of the characters. That ‘dread’ suggests an invocation of the romantic sublime; but though for the reader it’s tempered with our knowledge that nothing really bad can happen to the characters, it still has a personal, transportive effect on them. There is simple, penetrating imagery here that has all the feeling of a Magritte painting:

‘…now he was living with time in the sense of duration once more, for he knew with dreadful certainty that they had been rising for hours on end, that they were now rising faster still. And as they soared towards this absolute purity of sky so its imminent threat, half-perceived at first, filled him with a horror beyond anything he had known. Diana was wearing her green coat again and at some point she must have turned up the collar, for now its red underneath made a shocking contrast with the extreme pallor of her face, the pinched white of her nose and the frosted blue of her lips. Her face showed no expression – she was, as it were, completely alone – and as she had done before she held her head down, bowed over her lap, where her hands, now more loosely clasped, held the diamond, very like a sliver of this brilliant sky itself…’

There’s something quite French in that use of ‘time in the sense of duration’ — the Proustian durée, I suppose. But there’s also something terribly English in the musical hesitancy of the way the phrases fit together. Think back to the first book in this series and it seems inconceivable that something so otherworldly could have a place here. But as time goes by in these chronicles, it’s fascinating to see the author toy with the possibilities of the form so openly; time is constrained, condensed in an impossibly long 1812 to serve the machinations of the plot; but now time also proves endlessly malleable in the service of consciousness.  

[sage-nebula]

Oh no, I read your analysis very thoroughly (Around 4 times actually, Its really great stuff!) I just have a personal view when it comes to the Pokemon franchise regarding things like that. Just Mega Pokedex entries that describe painful processes making a Pokemon strong (Like melting, Glalie's jaw being smashed, Tyranitar's back opening up, Scizor dying after a fight etc) rub me the wrong way since....You never really see it. Maybe its because I love Alain. But, I still love your work here.

The mega evolution Pokédex entries are a completely different kettle of fish. They were written in order to demonize mega evolution because Game Freak, for whatever reason, felt it necessary to do so in order to push Z-Moves as the hot new thing instead. I have no idea why they thought this; they’ve never had to demonize a previous mechanic before in order to push a new one, but that certainly seems to be the case. So I agree with you that the mega evolution entries are nonsense, particularly considering the ones that insinuate that pokémon become crazed killing machines as a result of it. We’re not only told time and again that the love between humans and pokémon is what makes mega evolution possible, but we see this in the anime canon with pairs such as Alan and Lizardon themselves. The bond between them “overcomes reason” and “surpasses its limitations.” The love they have for each other routinely pushes them to new heights. The idea that mega evolution is something barbaric or painful for the pokémon is absolutely nonsensical when you look at pairs such as them. Alan would never do anything that would bring harm to Lizardon. Never once. So yeah, the mega evolution ‘dex entries are utter nonsense.

However, it’s also incorrect to say that Pokémon would never touch on concepts such as self-harm or suicide. While the series is limited in what it can actually show due to needing to be accessible to children, Hunter J and her entire crew were killed in the DP arc of the anime. Team Flare’s goal is, explicitly, to cause mass genocide. He dies, and tries to take children out with him, in the games. Squishy kills him in the anime on Bonnie’s command. Xerosic throws Clemont into an oven in the Pokémon Special manga. Mewtwo murders Dr Fuji and all the other scientists in the anime. In the games he also kills the other scientists that created him, though Dr Fuji escapes and becomes Mr Fuji instead. They committed “horrific gene splicing” to create him in the first place. Lusamine not only explicitly abused both Gladion and Lillie by their own admission, but she blatantly verbally abuses them right in front of the player by calling them things such as traitors despite how she “only ever gave them love” (despite, again, both of them telling us how she abused them), and so on and so forth. Topics such as abuse, murder, death, destruction, self-harm and more have been convered by this series since it first began in 1998 (1996, really, going by the Japanese release date of the original games). I mean, Team Rocket murdered a marowak so that they could sell her child for profit. You had to fight said marowak’s ghost so that she could move on to the afterlife. We might not have seen the murder take place, but that happened in the Gen I games, and considering the fact that the Gen VI games dealt with mass genocide, we can see that things have not lightened up since then.

So while the games are limited in what they can show, heavy and dark concepts have never been foreign to this series. The Pokémon world is not averse to touching on serious themes like this. Regardless of how bright it may appear on the surface, and though sometimes things are merely left implied so this series is accessible to kids, that doesn’t mean those themes aren’t there. In fact, it’s a good thing they are, so that kids who are suicidal or who need support can know that it’s okay to reach out for that sort of help. And even setting that aside, to be blunt, if we can have a Big Bad actively fight for mass genocide, we can certainly have characters who struggle with mental health. Really, one of these things is more frightening than the other, and it’s not hard to see which one.

With all of that said, though, I really hope you’re not implying that I don’t love Alan because I recognize the times we do see him self-harm (like, a lot of the death that happens in Pokémon is merely implied, but Alan’s self-harm is not, it’s shown to us, we do see that), or because I recognize the very bad place he was in, emotionally and mentally, at the end of the series. As I said, there is no character I relate to more than Alan. There is no fictional character I love more than I love Alan. That boy is everything to me, and a big part of the reason why he’s everything to me is because of how much I see myself in him, and how complex he is, and how much is accomplished with his character. I love him so much that I will not only not follow people who talk smack on him, but I’ll actively block them. So I really hope I’m just misunderstanding you here (and if so, I sincerely apologize), and that you’re not insinuating that I don’t love him because I see, recognize, and talk about the struggles he goes through, because trust me, absolutely nothing could be farther from the truth.