#its always the terminally online asses that literally do nothing but

[paragonrobits]

ways to tell an internet asshole is mocking Adventure Time just because its become popular again and doesn't actually know anything about the series beyond the most superficial lens: claiming that the show is suddenly shoving deep lore into a comedic character to look deep

buddy. I don't know how to tell you this but... Adventure Time has been doing this LITERALLY SINCE THE BEGINNING. This is not NEW, FOR ADVENTURE TIME.

The Ice King being the curse-addled remnants of an ordinary man driven insane by magical power was done as early as Season 3. The whimsical world of Ooo being built on the graveyard of human civilization was hinted at across the entire show before revealing 'yeah it was explicitly a nuclear war' very early on. Marceline suffering a constant stream of abuse, abandonment and trying to scare people away to spare herself the pain of them leaving her starts in season 2 and escalates from there.

THIS IS NOT NEW.

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS SHOW AND YOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET TRYING TO BE A SMARTASS AND SPIT TOXIC BILE AT EVERYTHING YOU DON'T IMMEDIATELY VIBE WITH BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN YOU.

[vinylhazza]

please continue the one about ethan. what’s it like when he gets home? or when he starts getting hate for cheating? like did the fans get mad that he cheated on y/n, or were they mad at y/n for not “pleasing him”? does he try to get y/n back? what about the girl, what does she do? how does grayson feel about it? is he mad at ethan? i actually love this concept and all its angst

part 1 here

you had successfully removed all of your things from the house before the twins got home from Australia. you didn’t want to see ethans face or you’re afraid you might actually break into a million pieces.

you tried your hardest to think about moving on because you got played by someone you fell in love you. and love was never a word you used. it was a word reserved for family and someone that would one day treat you like a queen. but now all of the sudden when you think of that word...all you can see is ethans smile, and the way he fluffs his hair, or his puffy cheeks in the morning, or the way he chases you around the house when you steal his favorite hoodie - even if he ends up letting you keep it.

love is ethan.

you had sobbed for two days after you left, knowing they would be home soon and knowing that ethan was going to read the letter and know that he’d lost you. you didn’t even know if he would care. you just knew that your apartment felt cold and lonely. you knew that you hadn’t even really settled into the apartment because you had spent most of your time at the twins house. you knew that sleep was scarce without his arms to keep you warm and his steady breathing to lull you back to sleep.

you knew that breakfast was different without grayson singing off key and ethan stumbling in just as he smelt the bacon. you knew that seeing the twitter comments on your most recent tweet was so mixed that it hurt you more. some people were supporting you, saying things like:

“don’t worry baby he will realize how bad he fucked up!”

“honestly what did you expect?”

“australia does that to people don’t take it too personal”

“keep your head up, we are here for you”

“cheaters are honestly so disgusting i’m so sorry y/n”

“okay making up fake shit to try and frame him really isn’t cool”

“didn’t think it was that serious it’s literally a kiss on the cheek?”

“he’s not worth the tears babe!” 

and it hurt. you knew how the fans were. you knew that they thought the twins could do no wrong and the majority would get angry for you even suggesting such a thing - even if you haven’t tweeted anything since you saw the pictures. it wasn’t in your nature to take your problems to the internet. let them think what you want, you were too heartbroken to care anyway. you had honestly thought about deleting social media all together until it dies down, but you wanted to torture yourself just a bit longer. it still felt like a dream you hoped you’d wake up from soon.

your days dragged on like a loop. get up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, scroll through your phone, get sad, cry in the shower, lay awake with bloodshot eyes, do it all over again.

you’d never felt true heartbreak. sure you’d had boyfriends before, but it was never like this. no one had ever made you feel this way in your entire life. you had never fallen in love, had never had your heart race from a single look. you had never been this head over heels. but you’d also never felt this low and hurt.

you had always thought he was too good for you anyway, but seeing it flash before your eyes in a series of four pictures was absolutely horrendous and had been playing in your head repeatedly since that day. 

the girl in the pictures was apparently a friend of a friend of there’s, no one you had seen before. but she was nice enough to send you a short message in your inbox, trying to tell you that she you knew you were in a committed relationship and she knew she was being a bit too touchy - but nothing had happened between them and ethan never even thought about making a move on her. it was hard to believe, especially with seeing the pictures thousands of times and making up different scenarios of how he might have betrayed her. 

when ethan walked through the door, he knew something was wrong. something was very very wrong.

it was cold. that was the first sign. it was freezing in the house and there was no scent of strawberries to be found.

he had seen all of the pictures and the drama, noticed all of the tweets and mixed opinions. he knew he fucked up. but it really wasn’t what everyone thought it was. yes the pictures were real, but they also weren’t pictures of him cheating on you. they were pictures of a girl he’d met in australia that had gotten a bit too comfortable and he was a bit too tipsy. no excuse for how touchy she was being, but it was the truth.

he wouldn’t play victim. he knew you had seen all of the pictures and tweets flying around the internet...but he’d thought you’d stick around to let him explain. he thought you would come at him in a blind rage when he walked in the door - pissed at him and yelling like he deserved. you were never the one to stay quiet when something upset you. that honestly would have been better than the feeling of this dark house looming in front of him. 

he’d tried to text you the past couple of days, knowing it was hard because of the time zones, but also knowing you answered whenever you could. but there was nothing. not one message. you had blocked his number, sobbing while you pressed the button but knowing the best way to get over him was to block him out completely. easier said than done. there was always traces of him everywhere you looked - 

he had also never seen his brother this mad at him in his entire life. no he didn’t condone the hateful messages being left to his brother online, but he did think that he deserved them on some level. grayson had yelled at ethan the entire way out of terminal at the airport.

“how fucking stupid are you e? this girl is completely fucking in love with you and you don’t even have the decency to call her and explain? you’ve been treating her like down right shit as it is and i’m honeslty surprised she hasn’t left your stupid ass,” grayson seethed at his older twin brother, yanking his bag off of the baggage claim and rolling it away with a huff, shaking it head.

he knew grayson was right. but he also knew that he was being this distant and giving you the cold shoulder for one reason and one reason alone. he had never been so in love. and he was scared out of his mind that it would all go away. he had already lost his dad this year and when he realizes that he would rather hear your laugh than his favorite song, he ran away. literally ran away from you to a different fucking country and acting foolish out of fear and self doubt. 

grayson had every reason to be treating him like the stupidest man on earth. because he was. he was ruining the best thing he’d ever had out of a hunch that wasn't even true. the one thing that seemed to stick out to him in graysons little speech was “completely fucking in love with you”...there was no way you loved him back. you were everything he dreamed he would one day deserve. you were kind and caring, breathtakingly beautiful, supportive...everything he’s ever wanted in a woman. he had a thought cross his mind once that his dad made you two bump into each other in isle 3 at that grocery store - knowing you would be the one to help him through his hurt...but also giving his son the woman he was meant to love. the thought that his dad sent you to him had him crying in his car after the first date, feeling this weight in his heart, like his dad was with him that moment. 

yeah you had been having fun and they had gotten unbelievably close over the past couple of months, but once he started ghosting you, he really was trying to make you hate him. he thought it was better for you to be mad and him to ghost her than fall for you and have you leave when he was already so invested. he couldn't lose anything else. it was scary and he didn’t want to be scared anymore. he wanted you to leave so you wouldn't have to realize he really wasn't shit. 

little did he know you already did leave. walking through his empty, cold, sad house was a day that he would look back on and hate for the rest of his life. he and grayson had such a good time traveling around the world and getting away for a while that he didn’t even think about how he was making you feel. he couldn't have you coming along and being that pretty and taking his heart more and more than you already had - he needed to get away from you before it was too late. 

but seeing that letter laying on the bed, folding neatly into a little square, he knew he had fucked up. looking around the room, his heart shattered, seeing no trace that you were ever even there. the closet was cleared of your clothes, toothbrush not resting in his usual place on the counter, book gone from its normal place on the nightstand. the only thing left to convince him it wasn't all a dream was that little folded piece of paper sat neatly against his pillow. 

this was the moment you had been dreading, thinking about for the last three days. the moment ethan would finally realize just how much he hurt you, and just how in love you were with him. you didn't know if he was too far gone to care, or if he would try and contact you, but you needed to be strong. you owed yourself more than to be walked over by someone who showed you such a great deal of disrespect. 

reading that letter was the hardest thing he ever had to do. tears were running down his face while he scanned over your words. he could feel your pain and read the cursive in your voice, your sweet voice that could get his heart racing faster than anything could. knowing how bad he had hurt you was the most painful feeling. 

“p.s. I fell in love with you...” reading those words out loud hit him like a ton of bricks...he’d lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. you loved him? this was his goal, to have you angry, to have you leave before he could get too attached...but somehow this didn't feel like an accomplishment. it felt like huge mistake. it felt like he was a fucking idiot that wanted to hop in his car and chase after you right this very moment. it felt like he wanted to bang on your door until you opened it just so he could kiss you with all the force he had in his body - apologize for making you feel worthless. because you were anything but that. you were his everything. how could he fucking do this to you? 

he was trying not the crumple the paper in his hands while he cried, imagining what you must have felt seeing those pictures that were so out of context. he tried to imagine what you felt when he didn't invite you on their adventures...all because he couldn't man up and admit that he wanted you forever. all because he was scared to have something good slip through the cracks again. 

“I told you so,” grayson gloated from the door, disappointed in his brother, but hoping he would get his shit together and get in the fucking jeep to go after you like a real man. 

ethan was silent, staring down at the letter like he forgot how to breathe, forgot how to think, forgot how to be the man you needed. he had been so broken for so long, how could he possibly fix this when you were the one that fixed him the first time?

“so what are you gonna do? break? or be the kind of man that dad always wanted us to be?” grayson said from behind him, laying a hand on his shoulder, saying what needed to be said. he needed those words of wisdom, and if their dad wasn't here to say it, then he would. 

he made a mistake and you needed to know the truth. if he had to spend the rest of his life making this up to you and proving that he is the man worthy of your love, then that's what he would do. but what he isn't going to do, is disappoint his hero in the sky, the one man that told him to always be brave. to always choose love first. he refused to go against everything his dad believed in. he refused to let you get away without a fight - without knowing how much he adored you. he refused to have grayson look at him like a wounded puppy any longer. the answer was quite simple really. 

“i’m going to get her back.” 

tags: @dolandolll @dolanshellyes @justanothergirl-80 @ebbach-03 @ardordolan @justordinaryjen @aquadolan @graysavant @graydolan12

[casino123aft]

Women and Poker Part II - the Exploitation of the Female Form

Some of the main hubs of poker are also the most sexualized cities in the United States, name New Orleans and then later Las Vegas. These cities are absolutely oozing with sex, and although this paper is not trying to make a moralistic argument decrying these wild cities' lifestyles, much of these images have stuck to the game of poker itself. Perhaps this phenomenon would not be so bad if it played out evenly between the two sexes, but all one sees is the portrayal of partially disrobed women advertising for poker sites. One only needs to log onto the internet and search for "Women and Poker" to have a dozen women in bikinis immediately pop up on the screen.

In fact, yours truly actually did run a search specifically for "Women and Poker", and here are some of the surprising results. In no particular order we present 10 of the most tasteful poker sites on the web:

-Pokerium Online Poker Room and Casino: The front page of this website is a model of good taste and restraint. Many of the searches yielded interesting results, but this website was head and shoulders ahead unibet Upon opening the home page one finds an illustration of a scantily clad brown-haired vixen with a flower in her hair(no real women were harmed during the production of this design). The interesting part of this drawing is that she is placed inside of a huge Ace of Clubs. In the middle of the card, where the woman is located, lies a very large club, and the stem of said club just happens to terminate in the center of the woman's crotch. Although there is a possibility that this not-so-subtle innuendo was unintentional, we would not bet on it.

-Next on our list is the deliciously tasteful advertisement on hollywoodpoker.com for their "Babes & Bounties" tournament. To begin with, the title itself should be enough to ruffle the feathers of most women poker players. Then, the image used on the page is of a woman in a bikini top with money in the background behind her. And finally, for those players who aren't sold by the picture in the middle, the site claims that "12 of the sexiest poker hostesses in the game" will be present at the table. It's a good thing too, because most serious poker players refuse to play in tournaments with any less than 8 sexy poker hostesses. Finally, jus tto make sure that one can notice all the different features on the side, there is a picture of a woman on the left-hand side of the screen dressed in her rather unsupportive underwear lying down in front of a laptop with poker chips lying around her body. She is happily wearing a pair of flattering white high heeled shoes so that she can model at any moment during her poker game. A truly classy website.

-PokerWorld.com, an up and coming online card room, is another tastefully crafted website, with nothing to offend save for their new "Topless Bonus". The "Topless Bonus: The Shape of Things to Come" seems a stretch: with this promotion they will "top up" your account with a free 20% bonus. The stingy bonus does not only fall way short of the 200% bonuses floating around on various sites, it also offends the eye. They advertise it with a small silhouette of a woman, hardly exposing anything whatsoever. Why they chose to try and correlate a 20% with topless women is a mystery, but they surely went for it.

-Not to be outdone, Jungle Poker has its own female spokeswoman: none other than the lovely Cheynelle Fraser, a bartender/model who is now the official face of Jungle Poker. Why a poker site would need a sizzling hot model as a spokeswoman is a grand mystery. We suspect it is because the photos of Cheynelle - which include several excellent cleavage shots - surely have everything to do with poker and nothing with selling sexuality. Although the site may be using the good looks of beautiful Cheynelle to help promote their site, they are not just about T & A on their site: on the front page of the site they have an advertisement for their heads up Sit & Go tournaments, featuring two headshots of a man and a woman, both fully dressed, challenging each other to a card game. Hurray for equality!

-Europeans are no exception when it comes to using alluring images of the female form to help them sell their products. In a recent article published on poker.gamble.co.uk, the author writes about the upcoming Great British Poker Tour, and the centerpiece image of this article is a nude woman relaxing in a bathtub full of poker chips. It's a good thing that they posted this picture, because nothing says Great British Poker Tour better than a woman bathing nude in poker chips.

-The most morbid result found during the search came from best-poker-rakeback.net on their rakeback advertisement, which features a frightening illustration of zombie woman in a corset, fishnet stockings, heels, and a short skirt using a rake to gather up some playing cards that must have fallen off a tree. Although the idea of having somebody literally raking poker cards is cute, we're not sure about the need for a sexy undead woman.

-Gambling blog Oddjack paid homage to the women of poker in an article titled "Top 10 Sexiest Women of Poker". This enlightening four part series takes the readers through their list of what they view as the sexiest women in the poker world. Just to give a small taste of their depictions of these women, we will go over the first three women they talk about. Each woman has a picture with a caption beneath it. At number ten on their list is Courtney Friel, a television hostess for the world poker tour. The picture they have of her is in a lacy tank top: fair enough. She's obviously OK with the picture considering she modeled for it. Underneath the picure is a caption that says "Stop teasing us Courtney, tear those laces off!"

The next featured profile is that of Evelyn Ng. Underneath her picture they put a quote that says, "Evelyn sure is one sweet ride..." Sadly, they did not even try to be creative with this comment, the only possible connotation for this remark is a sexual one. They also remarked in her profile that she won the WPT Ladies Night event and that, "Yup, she kicked ass. Asses that belong to Annie Duke and Kathy Liebert. Asses I don't want to see anytime soon. No matter how much they pay me to." This hilarious joke about the physical assets of two of poker's greatest female players was insulting to say the least.

At number 8 on their list is none other than Lily Elviro. This strong poker player who, besides being a strong poker player, is physically well endowed as well. The picture which they used for her was taken during a poker tournament she played in and shows her at the table holding a pair of cards. She is leaning forward a little showing a fair portion of her not so small breasts. Unable to resist, the comment beneath the photo says, "It's hard for Lily to always carry a heavy set of puppies like that." If it wasn't for such brilliant writing most of us would completely miss out on such hard to miss features.

-Next on our list is an article written by Toby Bochan on her poker blog. This photo-article, featured on about.com, is titled "The hottest women of poker", and it is essentially an amateur photo gallery of professional femal poker players. The women featured in this article are Evelyn Ng, Shannon Elizabeth, Clonie Gowen, Jennifer Tilly, Liz Lieu, Vanessa Rousso, Isabelle Mercier, Cyndy Violette, Jennifer Harman, Annie Duke, Kristy Gazes, Chantel McNutty, and Jennefer "Jennicide" Leigh. Perhaps the most disturbing part about this gallery is not that these women have their pictures posted, but that none of the pictures were studio pictures. They all seem like photos that were taken in a clandestine manner on a digital camera. Does this strike anybody as creepy?

-Coming last on our list is none other than Full Tilt Poker, who recently issued a challenge between Paris Hilton and Clonie Gowen. Their hearts were definitely in the right place: they were to host a heads-up challenge between the two women and the winner would take the $100,000 prize and donate it to the charity of her choice. This sounds good, so why does this make our trash list? Well, if you go to the website, the page they created for this challenge has these two women stacked up next to each other. The title for their statistics is called their "Sexy Stats", and just to make sure that the best poker player wins, they even added a "Who is sexier?" poll at the bottom of the page.

Thus concludes our trashy website list (NEED TO THINK OF A WAY TO PITCH THIS ARTICLE). Part IV will conclude "Women and Poker" by addressing what the future of women and poker may hold.

[imanes]

do you think that "influencers" and celebs should speak out about "political issues"? (putting it in brackets bc. it's clearly an understatement n not accurate but idk how to word it) re: palestine? cause i've seen a lot of people be like "yeah they shouldn't talk about it if they're not educated or if they're just doing it for the trend" (even tho at this point its been so all over social media that ppl cant use the "im not educated enough" excuse anymore) n all and i guess it's a fair point and all but also? idk when i'm on social media and i see ppl talking about what's happening in palestine, and then i scroll down and see ppl be like omg new haul uwu! vlog with my friends! and thats just so???? idk. idk what to think bc on the other hand ofc performative activism is bad ykw? (like....re: blm ppl just posting a black square on their ig....) but i don't know what to think about it and i would love to hear your thoughts!!!

inchresting question to which i have no concrete answer to provide (except a lot of ramblings) because it is a thorny subject related to the ubiquity of digital society and the social weight we give to a certain class of people who frame their existence as something that could represent us but actually doesn't at all. and everybody and their mother - including me - has an opinion on it but at the end of the day it's just an opinion, not an empirical fact to be presented, and not even one i think about a lot bc it isn't a primary concern of mine on a day to day basis. so i'm like not looking for a debate with some random tumblr user (not talking about u anon, but talking about whoever might care too much about my inconsequential opinion) bc this is a question i'm answering, not a question i'm asking so to anyone tempted to "well according to the encyclopedia of pfppspfpsp" me, make ur own post!

i guess we can start with "should influencers/celebrities/people who are famous by virtue of being well-known even exist and should we lend weight to their words?" the answer to that may vary from person to person but social media accounts with a very large following can indeed turn tides with regard to socio-political crises, such as demonstrated by bella hadid who single-handedly educated a whole generation of south-korean netizens through her posts on palestine so we can see the good effects of that. now obviously bella hadid is personally concerned by the ethnic cleansing of palestine and has a lot more at stake than say rihanna with her all lives matter bullshit statement (someone said "saudi dick must be potent" but i think it has more to do with her contract with puma who is actually on the BDS list) or even jameela jamil who has a terminal case of "everything must be about me always".

people can say whatever they want about what well-known ppl are allowed to speak about or not but i'll just remind that these "influencers" and whatnot are people and they're bound to want to talk about stuff, especially when it is relevant or when prompted by their own following, because literally everybody with an account on a social media platform expresses their opinions about smt at one point or another in time. that includes random ppl on facebook commenting under news with their stale hot takes. famous ppl or "influencers" are no different.

I'll also say that "influence" only goes so far so I'm not *particulary* concerned with whatever whoever that i don't take seriously says. let me take the queen of talking out of her ass jameela jamil as a case study for this. people who agreed with her bizarre and narcissistic takes are already bound to agree with her because people flock to opinions that are similar to theirs. in my opinion that is not influence, that is attracting similar weirdos in your sphere and consequently creating impenetrable echo chambers of idiocy. did her stale ass take become a "consensus" amongst the indecisive? i don't know for sure bc i haven't run a survey but my assumption is that people who have critical thinking skills were rightfully put off by her rancid take and called her out publicly for it, providing sources and information, which i think is visible enough for anyone 2 look through. and people who like her talk and think out of their asses were like "wow preach i've been saying!" so they are themselves inconsequential.

so in my opinion it is less about influencing - because at this point i think someone can be influenced by a single person into buying a product but your fave singer is not going to make you buy into their ideology just because they released one lukewarm-at-best statement - and more about signaling where you stand. when viola davis and idris elba (amongst many others) stated that they stood by palestine, they made it clear that they stood against apartheid and ethnic cleansing and people who already agreed on these basic principles saluted their stance. do i believe they changed anybody's mind? not really, that is the job of well-informed people such as activists disseminating information and other people sharing the info. do i think that mark ruffalo lost all credibility with his flip-flopping? absolutely, and it doesn't reflect back on palestine, it reflects badly on HIM. we're in an era where people are bombarded with so much information from all sides that one person saying something is a drop in a bucket no matter how famous they are. this is also why we say that israhell lost the PR war. we were and are too loud 2 be ignored now and a few celebrities showcasing how inane they are doesn't change anything. the famous-ppl-market is too saturated for their opinion to matter a whoooole lot. support is appreciated but not hailed as the second-coming jesus u know what i mean?

to address ur final point about finding it weird that some people flat-out ignore some stuff while you are neck-deep into it, I think it's an understandable situation to find yourself in and as subhi taha said, it just looks tacky. i think it should be your cue to just unfollow whoever doesn't align with your interest content-wise. i unfollowed a loooot of people lately because of that like I really didn't give a fuck about Michelle phan's cryptocurrency peddling (which was already yikes on principle) in the midst of real-time live-stream decolonisation and liberation struggles against apartheid and ethnic cleansing, and at this point I don't think I can go back to caring about using social media for frivolous things (except cats and memes account bc they bring me joy) and following bigger accounts that are trying 2 sell me some shit, because I've changed in the past weeks, one could say I've become more "radical" (lol) and I'm ready to sustain an online space that caters to my concerns and abandon all content that I indeed find tacky in between two posts that talk about some serious shit. it's not to say I'll never post a pic of the sunset on Instagram again or that I don't consume content that has literally nothing to do with informing myself and disseminating information on decolonisation and anti-capitalism (I literally watch study vlogs from med students to unwind lol), or that "everybody should use their account in this specific way because it's the only one that is valid" (it's not and i don't care what other ppl do) but u are obviously dissatisfied with ur feed for valid reasons and while some ppl may not share your opinion it doesn't mean that you shouldn't take steps to make ur user experience less jarring.

it's again just an *opinion*, not a to-do list or smt that i'd ever want 2 present as a "fact", at the end of the day everybody curates their online spaces the way they want to and if you find your current configuration to be distasteful, that's understandable. and everybody is entitled to believe that celebrities/influencers/glorified sellers of products and lifestyles and disorders talking or not talking about certain things can be harmful or beneficial, as there are arguments and examples for and against it and i am personally not interested in participating the debate even tho i wrote a long ass text about it akjdlkfjgd I'm sorry about this u might be regretting ever asking me this question. hope i made sense!

[jillmckenzie1]

We All Suck at Dating

A common lead question in the world of online dating is: “What are you looking for?”

Aside from being a grammatical nightmare, this question poses its own set of anxiety-ridden answers. Because how hard in the paint do you really go in response to this question when you’re on the third line of a burgeoning digital transaction? The words that your thumbs manage to string together will inevitably become the foundation for any further communication (or lack thereof).

Sidebar. Dude, didn’t you read my bio? It clearly states, “Looking for a real life human with whom to do rad things. Sucker for good teeth, nice calves, and witty banter. Here for the shirtless gym selfies (you guys, it’s a joke).” Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

My typical response to the aforementioned question goes something like this: “Surely not looking to get laid off an app. And absolutely not interested in receiving dick pics. Would be great to find a real-life male with whom to do cool shit who also believes in hand-holding, ass-grabbing, Netflix binge-watching, and tag-team Whole Foods shopping.”

Once upon a time, I had a younger guy respond to this answer: “But does our age difference bother you?”

Cough. Cough. He clearly wasn’t aware of my subconscious bias towards younger men.

I replied, “Age is a number. Maturity is a barometer for compatibility. Why? Were you simply trying to send dick pics?”

*unmatch*

I’m sorry, WUT?! Respectable people say goodbye, or they’re not interested, or that they don’t find my humor to be as amusing as I do; they do not just act like [insert desired superlative here] and vanish into thin air (as if I wrote the book on this stuff or something).

Here’s the point. By all means, unmatch me. I don’t give any number of fucks about our premature termination of conversation. The guy I choose is going to choose me in return. He’s going to laugh at the fact that I attempt to turn him on by mentioning that I always return my shopping carts. He’s going to send me memes and screenshots of tiny houses. He’s going to share my affinity towards Mexican food and ask me for my LinkedIn profile instead of my SnapChat handle, and he’ll really mean it when he says that he’s not in search of a booty call.

At the end of the day, I have zero interest in entertaining a guilt-free ghoster. The issue here is the action. Because dammit, it’s hard enough out there. Can’t we all just play by some unstated rules that, at the very least, are governed by the premise of honesty?

I know. It’s asking a lot.

 But that brings me to my next point. About dating. We all suck at it. Yes, all of us. I’m actually quite amazed by how many of us seek to individually claim this title from every rooftop, blog post, and digital message warehouse. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just don’t think there’s anything unique about it.

We. All. Suck.

A small bit of evidence exists in our mutual affection towards Netflix and chill. I’ve seen enough dating profiles in these last few years to make one overarching and absolutely assertive statement: when given the choice, we’ll all opt for a night spent on the couch in sweatpants eating ice cream with our dog over any nightclub and party scenario. Seriously, I have yet to encounter any male in the digital stratosphere who prefers the latter.

Because, in my humble opinion, no one wants to find his or her significant other in a bar. Absolutely not. For some, sure, the bar provides a perfect backdrop for the infamous one-night stand; I’m quasi-drunk and you’re quasi-cute (could be up for debate in the morning), so in the words of Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on.”

But a match–someone who challenges us and makes our lives a whole hell of a lot better (even on the worst days)–yeah, we’re not walking into any bars with the expectation of finding a soulmate.

And, despite our current aversion to commitment that is fueled by our unrelenting fear of missing out alongside our limitless access to infinite information and individuals, we do want a soulmate. Not because we believe in this antiquated ideology that only one person was made for us. No, millennials don’t walk into this world with the Shakespearian belief that compatibility is reserved for a single Romeo and his Juliet.

We more appropriately approach the definition of “soulmates” as two people who show up to participate in a revolutionized companionship. We are a generation that fully understands the power of choice, and we want to exercise this right romantically as much as we want to frequent farmer’s markets in lieu of spending our dollars at chain grocery stores. We believe in making ourselves whole, as individuals, in order to more powerfully stand beside someone who is doing the same. So, we choose ourselves as the catalyst to choose our other.

And yet, even inside of this space of a beautiful and raw and authentic desire to find a forever partner-in-crime, we’re still ghosting and we’re still sending dick pics. I’m sorry, rescind. We’re still sending dick videos. Yes, apparently, I graduated into some upper echelon of male debauchery.

Let me expand. A guy who I sparingly chatted with months ago decided to Snap me one lonely night in February (if you don’t know what “Snapping” is, keep it that way). I opened the video (which is the extent of my SnapChat proficiencies), and bam, hello, hi. My brain immediately hit overdrive as I considered throwing my phone 23 feet across the entirety of my Airstream.

I’m sorry, I haven’t spoken to you since November – neither did any previous conversation incite such ridiculous swapping of privates – and I’m now supposed to be the proud recipient of your amateur x-rated video?! Please, no. PLEASE NO.

Of course, I fired back something saucy (as if I’m going to save the world one indecent digital exposure at a time). And in the spirit of true chivalry (insert massive eyeroll here), he said that it was a mistake: “Wrong Stephanie.”

I actually can’t even (read: bull-fucking-shit).

But my potential diatribe inside an app that was literally designed to delete user history wouldn’t be saving anyone. My only hope at such a stage is the block feature because, at the end of the day, I simply don’t have time for this nonsense. Much like I don’t have time for the old flame (think college) who thought it was cute to slide into my DMs with questions about the kind of underwear I happened to be wearing. Or, the fact that exhibit B continues to patronize me with pet names (even after we established, months ago, that a romantic relationship between us would simply be settling).

Newsflash: y’all aren’t cute. YOU ALL ARE NOT CUTE.

And around we go, hiding behind our phone screens because we want the one (or at least one of the viable ones) to drop into our lives with the same level of excitement experienced by teenagers across America when Usher finally released his third studio album, 8701.

If you ask me, the going around is getting quite old. In fact, my motion sickness is at an all-time high. In the metaphor, I’m projectile vomiting out the back passenger-side window. Don’t ask me who’s driving. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m not puking alone.

Fact one. We’re drowning in our individual and collective nausea without any idea of how to stop the damn car. Or, at very least, slow it down. And we sure as hell don’t know where it’s going.

Fact two. Together, we are more powerful than the driver. But I’m not sure if we believe that (yet), and if we do believe it, I’m not sure that we know how to take control of the wheel (yet).

Because I would hate for us to resign ourselves to the fact that this whole dating thing is out of our control. I would hate for our desire of depth to become clouded by our habitual superficiality. I would hate for us to throw away our integrity in the name of conformity.

And I write this to us because I write this to myself. Plot twist, people. I, too, suck at dating. My judgment of those without an inkling of digital wit is embarrassingly high. It is standard issue for me to ghost anyone who resorts to asking me about my day within the first 24 hours of communication.

We just met. It’s fine. My day was fine. Am I supposed to tell you what I ate for lunch? Or about the conversation that I had with my mom? Or the hours I spent browsing Amazon for a new duvet cover?

Seriously, ask me anything else. And, please, I beg you, be funny. And charming (but not too charming). Our future depends on it.

Case in point. In a land far, far away, some guy asked me if I’d ever seen a movie titled La Strada. Clearly, not English. My answer was (and still is) no.

He wrote, “It’s foreign, so you have to be okay with subtitles.”

Well, no shit.

Me: “Great, I learned to read at a young age and quickly surpassed all of my peers, so this is promising.”

*crosses fingers and begs for a witty response*

His reply: “I like that answer. I need someone confident in what sets them apart.”

No dice.

*waves white flag*

I surrender. I absolutely surrender.

And by “surrender,” I mean that I simply fell off the face of the planet, never to associate with this poor guy (who probably had zero interest in sending a dick pic, let alone a dick video) ever again.

I just didn’t have it in me to push through in hopes of unearthing my very own Steve Carrell.

I’ll give you ten minutes. Make ‘em count. Effortlessly get me to laugh out loud, and I’ll strongly consider fraternizing as real-life people.

Hold up. Real. Life. People.

Yes, let’s be very clear, any digital union that transpires in human-to-human interaction is call for a good old-fashioned golf clap. Because it’s an anomaly by anyone’s standards.

So here we are. Together. Meandering through the airwaves and the land mines. Motion sick beyond measure. And I’d like to believe that we’re not helpless here, so my challenge is that we take control of the car. My challenge is that we align our actions and our words. Because there is nothing sexier than honesty. And honesty–honesty will save us. Also, humor. But mostly honesty.

We must be able to articulate for who or what we are looking. It is a common lead question because it is the question. It provides the foundation for action and expectation so, to revisit my initial commentary, we should go as hard in the paint as humanly possible (think Zion Williamson type shenanigans) in our responses. Because this answer allows us to proceed in a space where vulnerability is safe–whether we both swiped right in a sea of digital profiles or, quite literally, ran into each other in the singles line of our favorite chairlift.

You do not have to be in the search for serious. But you do owe the community your truth. The power is in your voice. And please, for the love of all things beautiful, let’s commit to considerate farewells that make “ghosting” so 2018 (as in, bye).

Speaking of bye and the singles line and chairlifts, I had to text my ex-boyfriend the other day to get back my second key fob for the entrance to my RV park

I refuse to pay the $20 for a replacement, okay. Judge me.

It had been nearly a month of not communicating, so you can surmise that it was a conversation that I’d been consciously avoiding. To be honest, I had stubbornly supported the idea that he should contact me first.

Obviously, unsuccessful.

So I spent hours typing and re-typing and then re-re-typing some ridiculous message that started with a Nugget update and ended with, “Oh yea, I need that key fob back.” I then spent hours deciphering and re-deciphering and then re-re-deciphering his response: “No problem. I’ll bring it to work and you can swing by one day and grab it when you’re done riding.��� Please note, there is nothing cryptic here.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous to, once again, look our honesty in the eye. Our ease had existed in our shared interest of doing the work. We had used our voices. And we both believed in the power of a considerate farewell. Also, laughing, there was lots of laughing.

For all intents and purposes, we were great. Apparently, our timing was not.

I’m reminding myself that, at the very least, this relationship taught me that there is hope for our collective whole to be better. It was the catalyst for me to shed an intense layer of distasteful cynicism. And for that, I can willingly embrace the uncomfortable.

It’s just two minutes. It’s just a key fob.

 Dating. It’s still a game of numbers. And we simply need to, in all of our honesty, keep showing up.

Together, we can stop the suck.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/we-all-suck-at-dating/