#its all normal depression talk like fear of not functioning blah blah blah

[scorpiozun]

ive nearly never had an end of the year be this bad for me mentally

[conversationwiththesky]

The Suddenly-Unpopular-Christian Award goes to...

Tumblr used to be a place I went to when I was feeling alone and misunderstood. Mostly, in regards to practicing American Sign Language (ASL) and being a hearing person in the Deaf community. And here I am again after many years. Why?

Given the year we’ve had, during the world-freakin-pandemic, I believe it’s safe to say that it has served as a bit of a litmus test for people and communities alike. 

As a recent beginner, and believer of, PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY I have learned the beauty of healing trauma, developing healthier coping mechanisms, and learn a lot about the underlying reasons for my problems with worry, anxiety, and fear. During my first session, I was identified as having signs of depression and PTSD. 

That was quite a surprise for me because I thought struggling was kind of normal and that my issues were probably just in my head and needed help snapping out of it (partly due to false religious teaching). But as soon as my therapist laid it out for me (what PTSD and depression look like), I was relieved to know that there were actual, valid reasons why I was struggling to function normally then and also in the past. But more on that later...

In tonight’s therapy session, I learned WHY I used to have such a difficult time visualizing what it would be like to live shame-free, guilt-free, and actually live out my life purpose without all those unhelpful thoughts and feelings weighing me down. Why did I believe it such a inconceivable idea? Then my therapist reminded me who had first walked into the teletherapy-door just a couple months ago. This strange person who: 

1) believed everything was about ‘my failure’ 2) spoke terribly to their inner child  3) a few more fun things... (again, more on that later)

But how could a self-proclaimed, long-time “Christian”, “spiritual Christian”, even “progressive Christian”, be so dysfunctional? This is the type of thinking I was conditioned to before. If I still struggled or had issues it was because I wasn’t a good enough Christian yet. That people who weren’t having as hard a time must be ‘better Christians’ than me. 

This is what brings me back to my undergrad blog! Hello, again! Because in all my years in the Church (the Western Christian church) I didn’t have access to (and wasn’t encouraged to seek) professional mental health services. Not until now, at age 29, have I finally made breakthrough that “prayer”, “devotionals”, and “service” to God hadn’t tapped into even though I had tried desperately to reach a new level of “enlightenment”. Ironically, I probably considered therapy because of the hard work of non-Christians who have paved the way for mental health services to be made more accessible to the general public. So, thank you! Thank you to all of the non-religious people who have fought for mental health services for ALL people. As a person from the gross majority (Christians in America), thank God for YOU!

In the Church I’ve heard the message of “the real crisis is suicide in our nation. It’s a nation that needs Jesus! We need to share the Gospel to people in depression, anxiety... blah blah blah”. While it’s a well-intentioned message, I disagree wholeheartedly with that approach because:

1) There are suicidal people in the church that you’re talking to now 2) If the Christian Gospel was all we needed to combat suicide (or the primary need), wouldn’t the country with the highest number of Christian churches be lowest in the world for suicide rates?

I am not the kind of person that has looked to leave my faith entirely or change ideologies, but I am the kind of person that has found it increasingly difficult to relate to the Christian “brand” that is out in the world at this time. As a matter of fact, it sort of disgusts me to be associated with my religion at times. There are times where I am okay with the tension and there are other times where it actually makes me loathe, grieve, and mourn. 

I know that I’m not alone (nationally and worldwide) but it sure as heck feels lonely when the majority of people who used to pat my head for being a “good Christian” are now people I do not look up to in the faith and have lost respect for. And it’s not even for the more common reasons like, “I was fired from my ministry job by this group of elders” or “I got too close to the fire and got burned by the church”. I would say that I was/am in excellent standing with the Church and its members, but now it’s ME who has a HUGE bone to pick with Christians in the church whom I believe the Bible calls “lukewarm”. 

I believe it’s lukewarm not to take a strong stand against social injustice. I believe it’s lukewarm not to condemn racism, homophobia, and xenophobia. And where does this land me? In the eyes of the community of Christians I used to appease, I would be viewed as a heretic. More about this in future posts...

If there are any Christians, or ex-Christians, out there who are now reformed, deconstructed, or barely getting started on their journey I am HERE for it! 

Thank you for reading this post. I will not take it personally for any unfollows. I am thankful you even read this because maybe you could point me to some page similar or refer to somebody else dealing with religious trauma. Thank you!