#it's trans rights until i ask someone to respect my identity the way i want it to bc respected

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

My mental health is deteriorating bc I kept thinking that I'm a terrible person but then I realized that

Starting the conversation with "hey I feel like you sometimes don't respect my identity as a trans person" isn't actually starting shit with someone

It's just that all the people around me are cis so they feel super upset when I question their allyship especially when those people are also queer bc for some reason think that the can't be transphobic so I'm obviously the one creating problems

And also when I tried to express my distress about this argument all I got back as response was 1) the "argument" I started was unprovoked and 2) I shouldn't complain bc the rest of my friends find it difficult too (to change my name and pronounce depending on who's around)

[wander-over-the-words]

for that ask game: 🏳️‍🌈 for nick valentine and benny :3

send me a 🏳️‍🌈 and a character name and ill share my gender/sexuality headcanon for them Nick:

Nick is asexual!! He has zero interest in that area. Does not want any. Incorrect buzzer noise. It was one of his (MANY) concerns when it came to getting with Nate, but fortunately for him Nate is ace too so he just "Nick you have no idea how okay that is like seriously"

He himself does not know what he Likes romantically. He's always liked ladies, but y'know. Nate's a man. He's the first man Nick's looked twice at. So Nick doesn't know if Nate has Awakened Something in him or if Nate is just an Exception for some reason. Doesn't rly matter to him either way, and he doesn't rly care to think on it cause he's with Nate for the long run so. who cares y'know c:

Nick identified as a man at first cause the Old Nick did. I imagine one of the first things he did when trying to separate his identity from the Old Nick's was taking a moment to think on it, but he was content to still identify as a man, so. nothing new there. He was built without gender in mind like any other pre-Gen 3 synth so. he's genderless but identifies as a man. He's a man. A metal man.

Benny:

SOMEBODY CALL UP THE FOUR SEASONS CAUSE THIS IS A BI BI BABY. Tragedy: game where you can canonically be bi can't see when it has a Massive Bisexual as one of its main characters smh. He has a preference for ladies, but he is a BI MAN. I've said it before, I'll say it again: the reason the male courier can't fuck him is that he didn't feel like having gay sex that day. Had gay sex yesterday. Ask him tomorrow, see how he feels.

Benny is the most Cisgendered Man I have ever seen. I 10000000% respect anybody who sees him as trans or nb, but personally. He Is the Most Cisgendered Man I Have Ever Seen. To the point that I've always headcanoned him as. hilariously ignorant to stuff like gender.

Not prejudiced in the slightest and like. he knows who/what trans people are. he's met and slept with trans people. He just doesn't know the Ins and Outs of it. Like he's asked Ethan how come he has a moustache and where his charlies went. Has a "you can do that???" response. stuff just blows his mind in a good way. his baby's a badass cause he got his charlies cut off by a Mr. Handy INTENTIONALLY. he PAID for it. he stabs himself with a NEEDLE on a REGULAR BASIS just so he can have a MOUSTACHE AND DEEPER VOICE AND STUFF. you WISH your baby was that badass.

He's accidentally said insensitive things, like asking Ethan what his "girl name" was or wording it "used to be a broad" (I know some trans people are cool with that but Ethan is not). but to his credit he genuinely doesn't mean any harm. he's an asshole but not that much of an asshole. just uneducated (and a little stupid). He's learning. he doesn't understand what dysphoria is but he'd physically fight someone for causing Ethan to have a dysphoric episode. someone says Ethan "throws like a girl" and Benny's sitting there like >:O!!! even tho Ethan doesn't find that offensive in the slightest (hell, he'll agree with it). Ethan shows him a childhood pic and Benny just "baby that's not you?? that's a girl." and Ethan just Stares until Benny has his "oh. right." moment. any involvement Benny has with the topic of trans makes Ethan look at the camera like "he's a little confused but he's got the spirit."

He'll shoot ya in the head but Goddamn will he respect your pronouns and gender identity.

(for added hilarity: Benny's the only Chairman who's Like That.

Swank vc: get woke Benny.)

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

The other day I said something and I guess I just wanted your thoughts on it. What I said was that the term "asexual spectrum" really bothered me for the following reasons:

It implies that allosexuals are inherently crazy nonstop sex machines (which is already a stigma bisexuals face) and it can create confusion among people struggling with their identity (which genuinely happened to me, a so-called allosexual with what was at the time an extremely low libido due to various mental health struggles)

There are near infinite ways to experience an emotion (ie attraction), but there's only one way to not experience said emotion

I just wanted to run it by you since you pop up a lot in my feed, seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and are actually asexual and can provide insight that I wouldn't have as an 'allosexual' (God I hate that word, it feels bad in my mouth lol)

Just a quick note: I am not asexual. I thought I was for 7 years (those last two years I used the split attraction model and believed I was asexual AND a lesbian). But after more of my own journey I realized I was just a straight trans man (the lack of attraction stemming from dysphoria in my case). And while I may not be asexual I 1. Was very much involved in the community for a long time, and 2. Firmly believe that everyone has a right to their opinion and are allowed to voice it even if you aren't in that group (with there being respectful ways to discuss things).

Also you can just say non asexual lol. Or just what ever your sexuality is. It's all good.

That said, I 100% agree with you. Your two points are some major ones. My FAQ has links to a ton of posts where I explain more issues with the split attraction model. But a quick summary based on my memory:

-like you said. There's only one way to experience a lack of something.

-boundaries (ie. What you want out of a relationship) are not a sexuality.

-it allows so much overlap between other sexualities that it starts to invalidate and take meaning away from them.

-the model is so broad that anyone can fit into it. It can be used to define anyone, asexual or not. And that leads to lots of confusion and makes the asexuality lose meaning.

-defining every single part of yourself and how you experience attraction is harmful. How you experience/express attraction can change with time. Who you are attracted to (used broadly) cannot. By defining things based on something that can change you head down the slope that sexuality is a choice rather than just who you are. This fuels homophobia and will fuel aphobia. I have met actual people who claim to be asexual and claim sexuality is a choice without any understanding of how homo/lesbo/bi/aphobic that is to say.

-asexuality at this point means something different for everyone. This means I know nothing if you tell me you're asexual. You could be dating everyone on the block or have no interest at all and saying you're asexual. I can't tell. What's the point of using a word to describe yourself if the word doesn't have any concrete meaning?? If someone says their gay or bi I know what that means. I can't say the same for asexuality and I feel bad for actual asexuals who's identity has been taken away like that.

-I have legitimately seen it used to justify being with someone you aren't attracted too. One of my links in my FAQ has stories from asexuals who have had the split attraction model used to coerce them into dating or having sex and how much that messed up their mental health. The justification being "I can have sex to make my partner happy even tho I don't actually find them attractive." When no partner should be asking you to do that. Ever. Every single one of those stories explained how the person thought they were fine until they realized how fucked up it made them.

Check out the FAQ for more. Hope that helps.

[aromantic-character-showdown]

[image description: tags that read "# also all of the entropic float characters hace really cool designs # someone needs to tell me what it's about". end image description]

well, boy, im so glad you asked!

before we get there - hello, the person who has been obsessed with the visual novel in question for almost a year speaking. for any poll you see an entropic float character in, i am always one of the people to have submitted them, and i am the person who has been writing most of the propaganda for them (qpr-competition is also me, btw, any "i wrote that massive essay" over there come from me as well). my obsession is in part fueled by the fact that almost nobody knows it, but ive been working on that

with that out of the way...

Entropic Float: This World Will Decay And Disappear is a visual novel that features a cast of 14 characters in an Anomalous Clocktower. the anomaly is of the timeloop type - every 24 hours, as the clock strikes midnight, time rewinds, and you might or might not be able to remember the events of the past loops.

ive said this before and ill say it again - i consider the selling point of the game to be the characters, which is great, because at its core its about getting to know and love them - the phrase "mortifying ordeal of being known" is used verbatim in the route leading up to the true ending.

for example, Peri and Abel, both featured in this poll, are canonically aroace. they have been joined at the hip since they were kids, although that wasnt quite for the right reasons - Peri was being raised as a bodyguard for Abel and his older brother. at the core of their shared character arc is the struggle against amatonormativity - people assuming that, since theyre a boy and a girl and are best friends, they must fall in love with each other eventually, and are just too young right now; that they should give it time, and it will happen. the pressure is worrying for both of them, and Abel in particular has gone on puberty blockers; "these people must be right, but i dont want to become someone who falls in love, so i will stave off my growing up".

Jasper Jasmine "Jazz" Jekyll, who has been voted out in the preliminaries, is grey-aromantic and pansexual. however, the more present in the narrative part of her character is that she is a trans woman, and that she considers her gender to have changed rather than having always been there; "i was fine being a boy until i wasnt". she is working towards her masters in social studies, and has used her falling into the anomaly as data for her thesis.

as i have said, there is a total of 14 characters in the main cast; ive told you about three, as they are fitting for the theme of the bracket, but all of them are queer of various flavours, and written in a very alive way - from Shinji who im pretty sure is only stated to be bisexual in his profile and nowhere in the rest of the text, to Kanatsun who brings up questioning his sexuality in his memories and is still written down as questioning, to Loam whose gender identity isnt respected because of their disability, to JJ who throughout the anomaly gains the courage to come out as trans to his adoptive mom... theres a lot of different ones! fourteen of them!

and btw, its free, and available on steam and itch

Oooh!!!

[transgymbro]

So some things about me real quick so that you have context for my situation: I am a Chinese binary trans man who is queer (mostly attracted to men, with the exception of my current partner who is transfem), living in the US. I grew up in an upper middle class family, who supports me and up until now has been able to support me financially. I do not have trauma (to the best of my knowledge) and I am not disabled.

I was not raised with strongly enforced gender roles. The most they were enforced was "you're a girl, you can't do that" which got less and less over time. I was allowed to cut my hair short (though I did not start doing so until I was 12) and I was allowed to wear boys' clothes or at least, choose whether I wanted to wear dresses/skirts or not. I was encouraged to play sports (which, surprisingly given my blog, I didn't enjoy growing up).

Because of all these circumstances, I have been fortunate enough to experience very little transandrophobia in my life. In general the most I see/experience of it is "all men suck" comments online. However, there are a few times where I did have to deal with it more directly.

Being accused of "perpetuating toxic masculinity" when I was in fact. Not doing that. Both cis and trans women have done this to me. Two instances come to mind: The first is when I had a roommate accuse me of this when I expressed that I did not enjoy emotionally deep conversations and wished I felt things less intensely (before T). This has never come from a place of "men don't show feelings" for me, this has always come from a place of not easily trusting other people and finding getting emotional embarrassing in general. The second instance was literally just for being myself, and who I am is loud, assertive, and intense. Does that make me difficult to get along with for some people? Yeah, sure, I can admit that. But that's not in and of itself toxic masculinity.

Oh by the way did I mention one of those roommates, during a conversation about sex, refused to use masculine language for my body because I wasn't on T? As if that should fucking matter when someone asks you to refer to their body in a specific way?

There's a gynecologist in the same office at my primary care doctor and they had a separate check in table. Because I didn't know what the table was for, I approached it to see and got told it was for "women only". I shrugged it off because at the time, I was just happy I passed and I didn't need the care. But I look back on that and wonder, if I had needed to see the gynecologist, would my identity be respected? Would they take me even though I have M on my license? Who fucking knows, but I don't think I want to go to any gynecologist and have to find out

Just. Every single time I had to fight my insurance on my medical transition stuff. Most notably, the thing that has delayed my top surgery until August. My insurance approved me for a hospital that the surgeon works at, but the hospital is a Catholic hospital through which all procedures had to be approved by an ethics board, else they could not happen. Because yknow. Catholic hospital, trans surgery, they rejected my fucking procedure and we had to resubmit shit all over again. Deadass I could've had top surgery in May if it weren't for these motherfuckers.

Okay so. My parents' friends have a son who's about my age. The last time I saw him we were about 20 and I told him I was trans, because he was coming onto me (again) and I felt it right to let him know that he was no longer dealing with a girl. I insisted that it was gay of him to be attracted to me and he insisted he was still straight. Tbf I brought it up first so that might have been him getting defensive. Confusing situation tbh. Probably counts, but who knows? Not sure if he took me seriously or not but I think at least his parents did. Granted I wasn't on T at the time, I bet he'd be real turned off if he heard my frat boy voice now lol

I've said this a couple times on my blog before but haven't experienced it directly, but the fact that I'm east Asian means that dudes like me are generally really feminized, and I feel that a lot of my masc presentation, while still genuine to who I am, also serves the purpose of making sure that I'm perceived as undeniably masculine, regardless of whether or not people know I'm trans

Also consistent paranoia of people not seeing me as a real guy even when they don't know I'm trans wooooo

Not to mention a very strong skepticism of other people to where, as much of a horny bastard as I am, even if I was currently single I hesitate to attend hookup/kink events and clubs because I think everyone upon knowing what parts I have would pressure me into bottoming which I really don't want to do because of dysphoria, basically I don't want to be seen as a girl or just as "guy with a pussy". Not to mention I have to get a prosthetic first.

Having to tell people to refer to my (currently hypothetical) dick as a prosthetic and not a strap on, and to not refer to me fucking someone as pegging because I AM NOT A WOMAN AND THIS IS NOT A KINK THIS IS JUST HOW I FUCK AND TOP BECAUSE I'M NOT BOTTOMING UNLESS I CAN TRUST THE OTHER PERSON WITH MY LIFE AND KNOW DAMN WELL THEY WON'T SEE ME AS A WOMAN AND AREN'T TREATING IT LIKE A FUCKING PRIZE

Just paranoia thoughts of "would I have to misgender myself for this" and "would people misgender me for this" and "do the guys around me see me as one of them or am I an outcast to them because I'm not a 'real' guy with a dick and balls"

Anyway so I attempted to register with selective service (results pending) not because I give a fuck about the military but because I shouldn't have to disclose I'm trans if I end up getting a government job while having an M on my ID stuff, pay me the cis man wages federal cunts

❗️❗️ This is asked entirely in good faith. This post is intended to open dialogue and help with solidarity and understanding. ❗️❗️

I would like to hear specifically from trans men and trans mascs how the system of [whatever the fuck you call the intersection of transphobia, misogyny, and specifically your gender- whether transandrophobia, isomisogny, antitransmasculinity, transandromisia, transmisandry, or any that I have missed as there are a lot of words to describe similar concepts] uniquely targets and affects you. Things that you feel other demographics do not experience. Reblogs and replies are very encouraged! If you would prefer, you could dm or send an ask to be added anonymously by me.

This is in the spirit of wanting to understand. I am listening. I encourage all non-trans-mascs to not speak on this topic and let trans mascs and trans men do the talking here. Reblog the post to spread it, but please say nothing.

Any and all people who identify as trans men and/or trans mascs are encouraged to participate.

This is not bait to start a fight. I will block without hesitation anyone who is actively being a shithead on this post. I want to hear and uplift your voices by getting it directly from you.

Click this to access the trans fem and trans women version of this post.

[idkimnotreal]

maybe a very unpopular opinion, i do find myself becoming more conservative as i age into my 20s (or grow, i don't know if i'm aging yet?).

i think nonbinary people have some traits of narcissism. it's about thinking you're more important than other people. like thinking you have any right to demand being called some other pronoun because you feel slightly different. i believe some transgender people are right to feel the way they feel, because i don't think i have a right to tell them anything about themselves more than them. but i also believe transgender identity should only be considered when there is disrupting (in any degree, but disrupting) gender dysphoria in the person's life.

like, there's a lot of discussion over whether people couldn't just be feminine/masculine men or women rather than trans people? and i think when there is gender dysphoria, that's not correct, you should transition if you have experienced that for a certain length of time without interruption (say, a few years). but i think nonbinary identity is a grey area because you could theoretically just be cis and dress differently and still be cis. it's a matter of semantics - language rather than things. it's like it doesn't matter.

i'm a very reserved and discreet person and i can't see myself demanding to be treated a certain way from people in any case. i'm autistic and i'm very, very reluctant to tell that to people in order to ask for anything. in brazil, we have special seats on the bus that certain groups of people can use, including autistic people (and pregnant women, seniors, disabled people). most people don't respect that and just use them anyway. i never do, and i could. i think, hey - maybe someone needs it more than i do. i do my very best to hold things until i'm about to burst and then i ask people for something using the "autism card". because i don't think i have a right to disrupt people's lives over my own suffering. to cause them to suffer, even if slightly, because i don't want to suffer. it's a tradeoff and i don't think mine is worth more than theirs.

that's what sounds odd to me about nonbinary people. it's the assumption that feeling that way is enough for you to be noteworthy. it's not. please understand that people don't hate you because they get your pronouns wrong because you look like a man or a woman. if you ask me to, i will use whatever you want (i feel like asking for pronouns first is more scripted interaction that i don't need, and gender expression has a purpose; if you're very androgynous i'll ask first because i have a reason). it's just that, most of the time, i don't think it would end there and most nb people would keep making demands to be treated right. it's a toxic vibe.

i'm very interested in some psychological/psychiactric disorders and cluster b disorders are some of them. maybe i'm wrong, but i intuitively see a lot of overlap between "that part" of the left and narcissism. it's all me, me, me. why do you want to be so special? i could never think of myself like that. you know, maybe i envy you. but i still couldn't.

(brazil has universal and free public healthcare that offers gender transition service. i'm in favour of the maintenance of this policy and i'd also like for it to be benefitted whenever the system receives larger funding. i'd bet more than half of brazilians wouldn't approve of the system even offering this service at all, if they knew about it, which most people don't as it doesn't concern them. but this fits in my view about transgender identity being about gender dysphoria. it's an actual issue people go through that affects and disrupts their lives and, when the only solution has been proven to be transitioning, then we should help those people transition. medicine is about alleviating suffering, mental or physical. but gender dysphoria is a condition, like autism is. i don't pretend that it isn't, and it makes me uncomfortable that some people today think that autism is an identity first instead of an identity through lived experience, like being gay; this is the same kind of thinking that prevails with nonbinary gender, that it's an issue of identity rather than a condition or a trait that results in a distinct identity because one stands out)

[euphoricfilter]

hi long post anon… again😭

yes “rule” is more so used as “unspoken boundary”

and its a lil concerning anon didn’t pick that up when the explanation is right under that specific quote they picked😭

like have fun but don’t get caught up in thinking that just because you write something that is fiction that your muse is gonna wanna see it

not only is this just to be safe/respectful morally but even legally in terms of copywrite

thats why mainstream authors don’t want people to send them fanfic because the author may accidentally add from the fic subconsciously. Or coincidentally they added it because it was an idea that you two happened to think of at the same time before you ever sent the fic or the author opened your letter/email.

this leaves people to then be able to claim the author stole content whether intentional or not.

but also in terms of morals, it just says that you respect how an author views their relationship with THEIR work by not making your interpretations aware to the author. many authors work hard to establish their worlds/characters and may feel put off if they feel someone has mischaracterized their work or morphed it into something they don’t recognize within the canon of their universe. not to say that the fic isn’t good but essentially you dont come into someone else’s home and tell them how to decorate.

and in terms of real life people, it keeps your muse from seeing how you characterize them which may not be a reflection of their own self-actualization. and again it can mess with how people see themselves. or almost feel like they’re being harassed to reveal something about themselves because fics with certain characterizations are being thrown in their face. like “i know something about you, you should just say it already.”

its not to say that a nonbinary or autistic headcannon isn’t valid but sending it to someone may feel like projection to that very real person.

like jungkook may not take offense to being called nonbinary or trans but if thats not his actual lived experience, then sending him fics or making him aware that you’ve “headcannoned” him as such would be crossing a line.

its like saying “oh im going to disregard how and what you’ve being willing to share about yourself publicly until you possibly give in and out yourself.”

we saw this with the actor who plays the bisexual boyfriend in Heartstoppers. people -mainly other queer people- couldn’t separate the actor from his role and kept poking him to come out until he actually did. just because the internet was right about him being queer, doesn’t mean they were morally right for pressuring him.

its like receiving a “love” letter from an unreliable narrator in which they detail how you smiled at them once which meant you were “obviously” flirting; when in reality, you -the person who knows your own feelings- only smiled cuz you were just being nice. doesn’t mean you aren’t a lover; it just means that your love hasn’t been extent towards them.

if Jungkook is nonbinary, he’s is for himself; not to reaffirm some preconceived notion Army have. he exists outside our collective thought and doesn’t need fic to convince him of his identity or lack there of.

basically this rule is a “curtesy” that we should extend to ALL people. so unless they ask, don’t show your fanfic to your muse, friends.

ugh i keep ending up long winded😭🤦🏽‍♀️

but this has been fun discourse and hopefully it enlightens someone cuz that what social change is supposed to do💜

thank you for explaining a little deeper, my lovely.

literally i’d go missing and you’d never hear from me again if bts were to read anything i’ve written, it’s not made for them 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ my worst nightmare is them perceiving me LMAO

and i think i can speak on behalf of most writers that what we write, either it be bts as gay or anything of the sort, is no way for us as writers to push the boys to come out or feel as though they should identify a certain way. as i’ve reiterated like a million times within the last couple of hours, it’s all a story, not there to project onto anyone in real life. i don’t sit in my bedroom and scheme up ways to force an agenda onto bts, i’m just trying to have a good time and little fun and if i’m doing something wrong then at least i’m aware now and can improve as a person

i’m not saying, as a straight fact any of the members are gay, or that they specifically go by they/them pronouns. if he does identify as anything above then that’s super cool too and he doesn’t owe me or anyone else anything, and that’s fine!! but me writing a non binary jungkook is in no way me saying that is how he should be or is in real life. idk why that point hasn’t come across for some people yet 🏃‍♀️

anyways, thank you again for taking the time to explain!! you definitely deserve a yummy snack after all this, and you’re super cool and very smart!! so thank you for taking the time out of your day to talk about such a kinda weird but very interesting topic with me 🫂

[untitleddepressingramblings]

I actually hate this blog. I hate that I have this record of my lowest moments. But there we go. It's here for a reason.

Three weeks ago, I came out as transgender to my family, and it was the worst day of my life. It went worse than even my worst-case scenarios I'd envisioned in my head, there has been absolutely no consideration of doing anything but misgendering me. I'm relieved that I haven't got a 'deadname' as such, that I'm comfortable with my birth name, because until I gave that assurance anyway my mum was clear on having no intention of calling me anything else even if I asked.

Since then, I have felt like a prisoner in my own home. I am, in a way. Not by them, just by circumstance. I'm unemployed, so despite how much I want to, I'm not in a position to move out right now. Even if I had a job, I think I'd be pushing my luck moving out alone, I'd need to share with someone else, but the person who I was planning on moving in with has pulled out. And that's not something to be angry at them for, they're not in a great place right now and don't feel like they're in a position mentally to make that kind of choice. I'm not their responsibility, and they need to do what's right for them. But it's certainly put me in a tough position, and I now feel like i have little way to get out.

Because I can't really risk sharing with strangers, not as I'm getting my head around transitioning. I'd need to go in with at least an assurance that I was going into a space that would be safe for me as a trans person, and I'm not sure how I'd even go about finding that. But I just need to get out.

I had hoped I just needed to break the anxiety cycle. I went away to my old uni city for a couple of days, gave myself some space and some time to think. I met up with my best friend and had a lovely afternoon with them. I had an amazing time. These two mornings were two of the few in the past few weeks I haven't woken up feeling anxious. I got to properly try on the dress I bought recently. I got to be me entirely for a couple of days. I was hoping it would ground me a bit, let me get back to normal and deal with everything better. It didn't.

I still wake up feeling anxious.

It's gotten to the point where I can barely speak to my mum (whose reaction was far more actively upsetting than my dad's, even though neither use the right pronouns), and whenever I try to talk like normal, I feel this guilt because I know it's fake. The truth is that I never imagined she would be so dismissive, so eager to ignore not just my identity but my wishes, so lacking in respect for my agency as an individual. Let alone that she would go so easily into pretty blatant ableism, arguing that I'm probably just autistic and therefore don't have enough maturity to know these things (I'm not autistic, and even if I was that's horseshit). Honestly, I've lost all respect for her. It's like she's a different person, someone I just don't recognise, someone who I can't be around without being reminded of the thing she said, the way she dismissed my identity, questioned the integrity of my friendships ('are you sure they're not just humouring you?'), and the look of pure shame on her face. The rest of my family, my dad and my brothers, I think they'll be fine long term, that they just need to get used to it, see how happy I am (I mean, my youngest brother is fine already, he's young enough to be chill). But her? I honestly have no way to hope. And I'm not sure I even want to. It's a fucking hard truth to swallow, but the truth is that I don't think I want her in my life. Once I move out, I want as little to do with her as possible. I don't know how I could ever dream of saying that, but it's true.

The thing is, I was doing okay before. Not great, but okay. I didn't like being called 'he', but it's not like I could blame anyone for doing it. Now it's different. Now they know better, and they're choosing to ignore it. How am I supposed to live in that kind of environment? I deserve better.

I know I'll find a way out eventually, I'm looking for work, I'm doing what I can. But right now I feel, almost all the time, like I'm carrying this weight around, I feel like I can't breathe. I thought I might just need some time, but it's been three weeks, and I still feel like shit. And I just want it to stop.

[40ouncesandamule]

I'm going to politely push back on this.

While I agree that "We don't get to the top until we are all free to live as we choose without government or societal interference or sanction, and without having to perform an identity for those rights and respect", I disagree with the characterization of people who are more dedicated to liberation than you as "poo-pooing the civil rights advances that the community has achieved through literally decades of work"

For someone who sees all queer people of the world as equal in deserving life and dignity, "gays in the military" is an example of "assimilationist victories." Queer soldiers bombing, maiming, torturing, and murdering queer people is not liberation. Liberation would be dismantling the infrastructure that leads to queer foreigners being bombed, maimed, tortured, and murdered by our military. Assimilation is literally joining the machine that does that.

Similarly, I agree that "marriage is baked into our system of government" and certain strains of liberation ask "should it be?" During the fight for gay marriage, there were many queer people who asked, to paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., should we "assimilate into this burning house?" There are liberationists who ask if marriage as an institution should be abolished instead of assimilated into.

I'm not trying to engage in "poo-pooing the civil rights advances that the community has achieved through literally decades of work" but I am asking that everyone consider the differences between reformist (assimilationist) and non-reformist (liberationist) reforms. I fully admit that people who are more radical than you can seem like assholes and I fully admit that sometimes they are but that doesn't, necessarily, mean that they are wrong. In my experience, liberals tend to be more reformist/assimilationist and believe that the system that they are within can be reformed whereas leftists tend to be more non-reformist/liberationists and believe that the system is working as intended and that the mechanisms by which it hurts people must be abolished.

While I agree that "We don't get to the top until we are all free to live as we choose without government or societal interference or sanction, and without having to perform an identity for those rights and respect", I vehemently disagree that assimilation is the best path to liberation. On the topic of "gay marriage", the assimilationist wants to be able to assimilate into an institution of two partners regardless of gender whereas the liberationist understands that making the institution of marriage "more inclusive" isn't going to do anything for the people who are victims of this institution, isn't going to do anything for the people at the "anarchist trans commune/Llama farm", asks is it just that "marriage is baked into our system of government?", and then seeks out non-reformist reform up to and including abolition/revolution. On the topic of "gays in the military", the assimilationist wants to be able to assimilate into an institution of the military whereas the liberationist understands that making the institution of the military "more inclusive" isn't going to do anything for the people who are the victims of this institution, asks is it just that this institution exists, and then seeks out non-reformist reform up to and including abolition/revolution.

I think that it is rude, condescending, unjust, untrue, and frankly counterproductive to take the words of the people who have a more liberatory view than you as "proof that those people are not actually liberationists in any meaningful way" and denigrate their struggle for your liberation as "we need to stick out."

An important definition of terms:

As far as I'm concerned, an assimilationist is someone who believes that queer people must assimilate in order to advance the cause of queer rights. An assimilationist creates a dress code for marches like the Mattachine Society did, fights against queer self-expression at Pride because "it holds back the movement," and believes that the only way for us to move forward is for all queers to live as cishet people do, but with little rainbow flags taped on.

An assimilationist is not "someone who wants the functions and institutions of cishet society to be available to queer people." It's someone who believes the only way to live is assimilated into cishet society, and anything else "holds us back." It's someone who wants Sylvia and Marsha to march at the back, and who prizes cishet aesthetic over practical liberation.

A liberationist is someone who believes that queer liberation is not contingent upon public performance of identity.

Let me repeat that, so we're absolutely clear: a liberationist believes that queer liberation is not contingent upon public performance of identity. ANY IDENTITY.

That means a sufficiently cishet identity and a sufficiently "respectable" identity, but it also means a sufficiently radical identity. If you actually believe in queer liberation, you don't just believe in liberation for people who look, act, and believe like you. You believe in liberation for people who genuinely want to get married, have babies by IVF and live in the suburbs as well as for people who want to live childfree on an anarchist trans commune/Llama farm.

I hear people use the term "Assimilationist" and "Assimilationist Victories" to dismiss as meaningless those victories that are insufficiently radical for their tastes, and that to me is only proof that those people are not actually liberationists in any meaningful way. In liberation, there must be room for people who actually do just want to get married and live quiet, content lives going to their kid's baseball games.

The difference between Assimilationist thought and Liberationist thought cannot be simply replacing "we need to blend in" with "we need to stick out." It cannot simply replace "we must be integrated into cishet society" with "we cannot ever integrate into cishet society and anything which permits us to do that if we so choose is insufficiently liberationist." That's the organizational equivalent of yelling YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD, and I'm fucking over it, y'all.

My liberation doesn't have to be your liberation. Your liberation doesn't have to look like mine. What matters is that we are helping each other up the mountain and making long-term plans to get to where we can, and that we recognize that every choice we make is going to leave someone behind, and we account for that and plan for that so we don't leave them behind forever.

We cannot regard gay marriage or gays in the military or instituting a nationwide right to transition or any of our future goals as an endpoint. They are only goals part of the way up the mountain.

We don't get to the top until we are all free to live as we choose without government or societal interference or sanction, and without having to perform an identity for those rights and respect. The freedom to be ourselves must include the right to "blue hair and pronouns" but it also must include the right to "your kid's school plays and a duplex in a suburb." The latter is not an assimilationist lifestyle unless you try to enforce it on everyone.

I'm so, so tired of people acting like they're radical thinkers for poo-pooing the civil rights advances that the community has achieved through literally decades of work as "assimilationist victories." That's not clever, cute, or correct. Every. Single. One. Of those victories is written in tears and sweat and blood. Every single one is wrapped in the funeral shrouds of people who died fighting for it. Every single one was achieved not by assimilationists alone, but neither by people who think the only true victories are the ones sufficiently pure in their leftist credentials.

It is extremely possible and indeed likely that if you judge queers by their aesthetic, you will miss partnering with some of the most radical people and shackle your movement to people who cloak regressive politics in radical language. I've heard some truly noxious words come out of mouths framed by snakebites, and I've known extremely radical thinkers who look like your grandma. And I gotta tell you, in those local elections which keep school boards free from Moms For Liberty? The latter are useful people for liberationists to know and have in our camp, those people who think like liberationists but look like your grandma or your auntie.

Enforcement of aesthetic as a condition of liberation is assimilationist thought. It doesn't matter if the assimilation is to pink hair and tattoos or polo shirts and khakis - enforcement of aesthetic and philosophy as a condition of liberation is assimilationist thought. It's just replacing one kind of demanded conformity with another, and when we say "none of us are free until all of us are free," that also means free to be fucking boring if we want to, full stop.

We talk a lot about how much work goes into being disabled, how much work we have to put into making appointments, and fighting bureaucracy, but this is also true of queer life. Freedom comes with ease, with being easily able to update paperwork, with being easily able to find employment and housing, with being easily able to create the family structures we want to live in. When all of us can wake up in the morning assured of security in our beds, food in our bellies, meds in our med trays as needed, and a day ahead of us filled with chosen purpose and chosen meaning, which ends with us back in the bed of our choice at the end of the day, fulfilled in purpose and secure in our homes and chosen families, then we are free, and not before.

You may notice a seeming contradiction in this, in that my liberationist philosophy has room in it for the very people who are currently annoying the fuck out of me by demanding allegiance to a leftist aesthetic over practical liberation (that is, a movement based in harm reduction and long-term strategy over adherence to leftist purity of thought).

This is not a contradiction.

It is not a bug. It is a feature. My liberationist ideals mean that people have to have the right to be wrong without their liberty hinging on being right, that's all. :)

[queerprayers]

prayer request (cw transphobia and bad mental health, general spilling of guts)

i am a young (college age) nonbinary christian in a christian home. while my dad is an ally, my mom is not. i am home for the summer and my mom recently forced me to come out to her. it really upset her and she keeps sitting me down to ask me questions and make me explain my identity to her. she thinks i identify as nonbinary because i do not think i am good enough the way God made me. she will not call me by my chosen name or use my pronouns. she makes a point of always calling trans people by their birth names and pronouns and she is not about to start trying with her own child.

it is exhausting to live with a person who does not accept you but insists that they do and you are the one who does not accept yourself.

she told me it feels like mourning a death. she told me i’m just not thinking about how hard it is on her. that i must not care about her. i hate that i hurt her so much by trying to be authentic.

it would be so much easier to just walk it all back, to say mom i’m sorry, mom i was wrong, mom forgive me, i’m back on the right path now. i’ve always been your little girl and i always will be. it would be so easy to give up on myself for the sake of safety.

it is taking a toll on both of our mental health. it hurts to be here and i am so tired. i have five more weeks to live through until i go back to college. pray for me to have the knowledge of what is right to do and the strength not to give up on myself. pray for her too.

-ambrose (they/he)

Beloved, it's been a while, but I'm answering finally!

I'm assuming you're back at college now, and I prayed for you those five weeks, I promise. Praying for people comes much more easily to me than typing out responses!

I'm proud of you. For knowing yourself. For taking the hard but necessary road of being a person apart from others' expectations. It is so painful to be questioned like that, to have someone mourn a person you aren't anymore, and may never have been. Being outed/having to come out before you're ready is a unique pain, one that I know well.

I hear your exhaustion and your strength and however your summer went, and however your school year is going, I pray you have remembered what you typed here, that you know what you must do, that you don't want to give up on yourself, however tempting it may be.

We all hurt people in our lives, but sometimes someone is hurt by something we cannot and should not repent of. Someone being hurt by our existence is because of their own bigotry, and this is not something you have to ask forgiveness for. You have not done this to your mother. She is mourning what should not be mourned, and is burdened by things that should not hurt. She cannot see the joy of your authenticity and the respect you have for yourself, and that is not your sin to be sorry for.

I hope you recognize and honor the love that you have, to ask me to pray for your mother as well. And I have. She has caused the pain, and I have asked God to help her remember what it means to be a mother, to understand how many parents really do have to mourn their children, and what a blessing it is that you are here and willing to offer prayers for her after the harm she has done. There is time, and hope, and I pray she takes her own hard but necessary road God offers her, of repentance and willingness to grow.

I pray you are freer now. That those weeks are not still haunting you. That you have support where you are now, that you've found other safe places to be and people to love. That you remember God wants you to share in the act of creation, growing further into yourself and every day realizing more what it means to be a child of God.

Whatever paths your family members choose, there is more for you. There are safe homes you've never been to, and people you haven't met yet who love your name and use your pronouns and honor your past but do not mourn your growth, and good music you haven't listened to, and breakthroughs you haven't had. You are young, and you have so much beautiful time. You know more than most that creation is ongoing, and there is a life out there to be created. I have faith you will live out things you haven't even dared to hope for.

Keep yourself safe (even if that means biding your time, and not yet saying everything you want to), but don't lose yourself in the process. Have courage (even if that means distancing yourself from those you may love but cannot survive with). Check out your school's counseling program--they often offer some free sessions, and can help you get set up with resources (medical/social/financial). I have so much love for you, Ambrose. God is with you.

<3 Johanna

[cat-sapphics]

nah idc, unless you have any tags of this post muted for your own well-being, you’re gonna listen to me for a bit cause i’m fuckin tired and furious /srs

reblogs would be much appreciated - i don’t wanna ask this a lot and it’s definitely not urgent rn but i want to get this out there and i want to be fucking listened to about this for once since i don’t tend to be given that kind of time :/

people who are harassing and dogpiling op saying that “cis people can’t be deadnamed” as a “gatcha now i’m gonna keep using his real name” are COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT.

No, cis people cannot be deadnamed. YES, cis people can have FUCKING BOUNDARIES ON THE INTERNET and ask you to not call them by their real name - even if they’re a popular (or not so much ig) influencer. i’m trans (nb), by the way, and i go by a chosen name, so don’t fucking go there with me.

the fact that the post says in quotes, “it STILL has that core idea that people are only deserving of respect and basic human decency up until they do something you don’t like, they step out of line, or say something wrong,” and people flame this post for saying that?? PROVES THEIR POINT HELLO??

and also: “if i said as much on twitter i bet someone would say something like ‘it’s transphobic to compare deadnaming a trans person to using the wrong name for a cis person’ as if there’s transphobia in saying that disrespecting ANY person’s identity is shitty as fuck.” YOU FOOLS. YOU FUCKING FOOLS. YOU ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT OP DESCRIBED. MAKING FUN OF CISHETS FOR THEIR PRIVILEGE IS FINE BUT THEY STILL HAVE A GODDAMN RIGHT TO THEIR OWN IDENTITIES AND SENSIBLE, FOLLOWABLE UNPROBLEMATIC BOUNDARIES. MY GOD. THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO CLUE HOW UTTERLY BRAINLESS THEY LOOK TO ANY OUTSIDER WITH COMMON SENSE IT’S INSANE.

i think it’s fucking hilarious (/s) that these people will still use someone’s correct pronouns when a twitter stan just like them hypothetically doxxes a decent person or is even fucking disgusting towards minors, and will call them by only what they wish to be called if they know of another name that they do not. but when someone like technoblade does nothing wrong and refuses to apologize for doing nothing wrong (as he should lol) and twitter twists his words to make them seem wrong and to make said words speak louder than actions (if that sounds wrong because you’re used to hearing it the other way around, GOOD.), he doesn’t deserve to be called techno anymore instead of his real name?? and it’s definitely not just because he’s cis either, it’s simply because they don’t like him and want him gone lol.

this is what i got cancelled off of twitter 2.5 months ago for saying. it’s mind-blowing and hilarious in an infuriating way. so no, i’ll never say sorry for supporting technoblade and i’ll never say sorry if the way i defend him pisses severely-deranged motherfuckers off. get a fucking life, he’s never gonna stop thriving and making a fuck ton of money and making people genuinely laugh just because you don’t get enough attention on twitter dot com. fuck off. i hate y’all more than most people and i have a lotta groups of people to hate.

(i couldn’t find the original post btw, otherwise i would’ve linked it right here)

EDIT: X

[anatombombatallhours]

I absolutely agree, I also find this bit of performative theater exhausting, especially because cis people do not listen and go on to flagrantly misgender me anyway.

But as a trans person who wants to use exactly the set of pronouns for people that they WANT used (and in smaller settings, always discloses my own pronouns first before politely asking what someone else's are), how should I proceed in these large, group settings when I know that there is inevitably someone or multiple someones in the room whose pronouns don't match society's view of their outward presentation? This scenario assumes we aren't engaging in a name-and-pronoun sharing circle at the top of the event/meeting.

If, for instance, before I get a chance to offer my pronouns one on one, I need to refer to one of the other people in the room out loud in the third person... Do I aggressively they/them everyone until told otherwise? (Generally my method, but this still requires them to feel comfortable correcting me) Do I assume their pronouns and bull-headedly go off my own assumption? (Almost certainly not, lol) Do I they/them EVERYONE in perpetuity?

Because I agree with everything you're saying, those things have happened to me as well, and yet, not only do I fucking listen when people share their pronouns, but I require at least some degree of people using my correct pronouns or I literally will not be able to continue being in that space for very long. And in these circumstances, where we haven't had the theater of pronoun circles, and I have AS POLITELY AS I COULD corrected people on my pronouns, they have made it my problem, or taken it so personally that they make my life a living hell for the rest of the time that we interact.

For me, it's less about being okay with being uncertain about gender, as pronouns don't imply gender identity, and it's more about everyone deserving to be called whatever the fuck they want to be called, and the structure of English often necessitates calling them SOMETHING. Not only do I want to be called the right thing, but I also want to do so unto others, because that is the bare fucking minimum of human decency.

So does the problem here lie with society and there's no surefire way to not put trans people on the spot for cis progressive theater? Or is there a better method than specifically going up to someone whose pronouns I'm unsure of (which for me I generally assume is everyone, unless the cis-entitlement vibes are Overwhelming) and offering my pronouns before asking them? Calling someone the wrong thing makes me feel gross in my soul, and I guess I don't understand how cis people don't feel that way. (and btw if someone asks me to misgender them for safety, that's not the "wrong thing", because that's what they've asked for)

Neither one of us may have a perfect answer, but I have to think there's a better way than ever putting a trans person on the spot to out/misgender/define themselves... By the same token, not normalizing sharing of pronouns through some manner also does this, because there will be trans people who may not feel comfortable speaking up on their own to make sure their pronouns are being respected. And even if they do, that may not always result in their pronouns being respected either.

It seems to me that the throughline here is cis people wanting to congratulate themselves on being progressive without actually putting in the (realistically very low amount of) effort to respect what any person wants to be called that doesn't align with their preconceived biases or notions. And no manner or method of pronoun-sharing, including not doing it at all, will perfectly counteract that, which. I don't like either. :/

Curious about your thoughts, but regardless, I appreciate you being so open about your perspective!

i think one of the most frustrating things about the “share pronouns in a circle” phenomenon, as someone who teaches, is it has been so entrenched in the “canon” of the “progressive toolkit” that when you reject it for very good reasons, you recieve pushback for not giving space for pronoun sharing, so you just end up doing it anyways. and it really ignores the way it makes a spectacle if there are only a handful of trans people in the room, or even worse, only one

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Everyone experiences dysphoria. Literally everyone...even cis people.

Hear me out.

Cis men who refuse to wear a dress &/or blouse or other feminine clothes, &/or who feel odd or uncomfortable being called woman, girl, lady, ma’am, she/her.....are experiencing dysphoria. They don’t realise this because more often than not, other people will usually correct themselves in the right direction (he/him, sir, man, boy, gentleman) & they don’t have to fight, argue, or correct anyone to be seen for who they are.

Cis women who don’t want to wear suits or tuxedos or other masculine clothes, &/or who feel odd or uncomfortable being called man, boy, gentleman, sir, he/him....are experiencing gender dysphoria. Again they don’t realise this because more often than not, other people will usually correct themselves in the right direction (woman, girl, lady, ma’am, she/her) & they don’t have to fight, argue, or correct anyone to be seen for who they are.

Everyone experiences mild to moderate gender dysphoria.

Everyone experiences mild to moderate gender euphoria too.

Cis women who shave their legs, armpits or other body parts, &/or get their facial hair waxed, threaded, or shaved off, &/or do manicures & pedicures, &/or style their hair a certain way (short, long, curly, straight, whatever they enjoy), &/or enjoy wearing dresses & skirts (especially when they have pockets), those are (among others) methods of validating your own gender.

Cis men who refuse to shave, &/or who style their hair a certain way (short, long, etc.), &/or who wear sports jerseys & basketball shorts or suits & ties, &/or style their facial hair (twirled mustaches, combed or braided beards), those are (among others) methods of validating your own gender.

The difference is, transgender people (a) may not realise they’re dysphoric until they experience gender euphoria (they might think it’s depression or something else), (b) are not automatically recognized as who they really are & may experience people correcting themselves the wrong direction, &/or (c) have to make changes (socially &/or medically) to be seen as who they are (& even then may still be unseen by some people).

Trans people “stand out”, because people see what they assume to be a man presenting feminine or androgynous or wearing a nonbinary pin or a pronoun pin (or other indication they aren’t a man), or they see what they assume to be a woman presenting masculine or androgynous or wearing a nonbinary pin or a pronoun pin (or other indication they aren’t a woman), & people who were conditioned to exclusively see a firm binary defined by your body get confused & upset. We are visibly different. (And we experience more intense gender dysphoria & gender euphoria than cis people.)

You were conditioned to see my body as Woman��, so when I present as man or nonbinary you think I must be bad because I defy the confines you were taught define reality. You feel the need to question your reality, to question everything you were taught and conditioned to believe, but that’s terrifying so instead you pin me (& my community) as an oddity that needs to be silenced & controlled.

The problem is you don’t have to question your gender or the gender binary as a cis person (because people already see your gender correctly most if not all of the time), so when other people do it opens a whole world of possibilities that overwhelm you.

The world was never truly binary.

But it’s more comfortable to see it all as binary, so you don’t have to explore any other possibilities (whether by questioning your own gender & your own identity, or by questioning the binaries (including gender) to better understand people who defy them).

You are taught to be apathetic & complacent. So I understand being afraid to rebel & become compassionate, empathetic, & bold. But it’s so necessary for your chance to thrive, and for mine as well.

I ask you to remember that memorizing someone’s pronouns doesn’t mean you respect them. You still need to take time to teach yourself to see them for the man, woman, or binary defying person they truly are.

Together we can make this world a safer place for everyone, including you.

There is strength in unity - hence the government seeks to over-label & define & divide us.

I am nonbinary. I am masculine. I forgive you for seeing me as otherwise, but I need you to learn & relearn.

Growing & making mistakes & learning new things is an essential part of being human.

¿Do you understand?

¿Do you see me now?

~Nico (he/they)

*Hate will be blocked. Listen & try to understand, or go take your misdirected anger elsewhere.

[doberbutts]

Heya

As someone who is going into the medical field, is there any feedback/advice or place to get to to help make these appointments more bearable for trans/nb/traumatised folks? Even as a cis person, OBGYN appointments were a nightmare until I learned more about advocating for myself and how to find people who are better at working with patients, but healthcare providers need to be doing a lot more work across the profession to accommodate their patients. I’m not sure which specialty I will pursue yet, but I want to be a supportive advocate for my patients, and I’d greatly appreciate any advice or directions to resources that I can use to better educate myself. Please don’t feel any pressure to answer, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hmm. So I waited to answer this until after my appointment because my kneejerk reflex was to say "all appointment bad" but I knew that was the dread and anxiety talking so instead I will talk about my appointment today and how different it was than anything I've had before.

It is very much worth mentioning that I specifically went to an appointment at a gender clinic, and at what is rated as the best gender clinic in the state, something that I think is really important to keep in mind because so many doctors have absolutely no idea how to address "LGBT problems" even if they think their hearts are in the right place. A gender clinic is at least more likely to have people trained to help in a way that's actually, you know, helpful.

In any case:

This doctor uses an online app system to send medical information directly to the client, respond to questions, make appointments, and so on. I can see every single one of my test results without the doctor having called me yet, which can be good or bad depending on the individual.

This app allows me to specifically mention things like "gender identity" and "preferred name", which means that when I was called while in the waiting room, people were already addressing me the way I would rather be. This can set the mood for the rest of the appointment because this is already a relatively uncomfortable thing to be seeing a doctor for no matter who you are, so any attempt at making this better is going to be much improved.

(And don't trick yourself into assuming certain demographics are or are not going to be more or less tolerant- when I had my TBI I went to a neurologist who is a relatively gruff old white man, who sort of glanced over his clipboard and looked me up and down and went "...you'd rather I stopped addressing you as a woman." Not a question. A statement. When I said yes he harrumphed a "he?" and "name?" and then addressed me as that from then on as did his mentee for the entire duration of them handling my case. A little thing and I wasn't even there for that but it made things feel much better for me. Maybe he could have had better bedside manner but ultimately he and his mentee got me better and offered me respect.)

This particular doctor sort of did the same, where she glanced over my chart, looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and said "You'd really prefer me to not do an exam, huh." Again not a question. We talked it over, no judgement, and she determined that since I'm not having vaginal sex and I want a hysterotomy anyway due to the severity of my symptoms (which she also offered before I asked for it) that we can skip the internal exam and ultrasound and put a rush order on yanking that sucker out and then we don't have to worry about cervical cancer or pap smears or any of that nonsense because it will not be inside of my body to cause problems.

We also discussed options for period symptom relief in the mean time and she has me starting a new collection of medications to take while I wait for T and then for T to do its thing. She does not think I have PCOS but does think I have at least one cyst causing some problems which she will determine by way of ultrasound later this month, and she is pretty sure my birthing doctor/the ER that handled my "appendicitis" that wasn't my appendix/my mother revealing to me at nearly 25 years of age were all correct in assuming that I have CAH.

Which... makes me intersex. I have to wait until December when I see an endo to get the final confirmation but god damn it's nice to have someone verify something that's been pinging around in my brain for the past 5 years. This would also be the cause of a couple of my other health problems and the severity of my menstrual symptoms and why my testosterone levels are so naturally high that I've always looked like a low dose trans guy.

So, yes, all in all a very fruitful and also relieving obgyn visit that I was absolutely dreading and thankfully didn't need to. But at least it's over now and I have a path forward again.

[livethinking]

«Poetry is not a luxury»: Maya Angelou, Gwendolyn Brooks, Margaret Walker and poetry as resistance

«Poetry is not a luxury»[1], Audre Lorde said. Poetry is not a game, another amusement to dampen the boredom of a humdrum life but it’s a need, a necessity as instrument to the battle against oppression, to self-determination and to identitary resistance because «poetry is power»[2]. And this is as much true and confirmed when poetry becomes activism, when lyricism expresses, and thus bears witness, a discomfort and makes it universal, fathomable through the poetic language; when writing in verse is the only way to express ideas and makes sure they’re recognised in their own dignity, thus it’s necessary in order to save and let respected the existence of that human being who has thought it, in order to this existence can be recognised as such, can arise from oppression and systematic hate, can give voices to those whose lips were ripped off, such as women, for whom «[…] poetry […] is a vital necessity of our existence. It forms the quality of the light within which we [women] predicate our hopes and dreams towards survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action. Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought»[3], so, poetry’s place where they can expresses opinions, needs, dreams, hope, in other words themselves, where the cultural system gives preference to other voices, wherein censorship is not official, i.e. perpetrated by an organisation or a law, but it’s cultural because it’s the culture that systematically chooses (a given social class) what creative expressions are more or less are in line with its own values or strengthen them. That’s why for centuries poetry (but also the whole literature) has been place wherein affirm ourselves and the individuality of our own identity, or express pride for a communitarian identity; as it was for women, who found in poetry an instruments they can express their real self through, getting out of the patriarchal control and out of the role they were bonded to by society and came less to the expectations of this one. In this way, women could so analyse her being woman, dreaming to choose who are and what to do, self-determinising and exploring their femininity beyond believes given by a certain historical moment; as it was for black community, wherein black poets could express the a beauty, the varieties, the complexity of their subculture, their traditions, history and so express the pride of being part of this ethnicity, fighting against racism and networking against the oppression perpetrated by a system that privileges white citizens (and more often men). These two concepts converge into the poetic experience of black women poets, for whom poetry became a place wherein speaking of their experience as women and black citizens, wherein they can exist and affirm their existence, «The white father told us: I think, therefore I am. The Black mother within each of us – the poet – whispers in our dreams: I feel, therefore I can be free. Poetry coins the language to express and charter this revolutionary demand, the implementation of that freedom»[4]. Let think of great poets like Maya Angelou, whose poems «often respond to matters like race and sex on a larger social and psychological scale»[5], or like Gwendolyn Brooks, whose poetry, especially the latest, is a political and civil poetry, taking as cultural reference heroes and subjects of the battle for liberation of black people (such as Winnie Mandela, wife to the anti-apartheid activist), but also like Margaret Walker who «through her work, she “[sang] a song for [her] people”, capturing their symbolic quest for liberation. When asked how she viewed her work, she responded, “The body of my work… springs from my interest in a historical point of view that is central to the development of black people as we approach the twenty first century”»[6].

1. Maya Angelou: I know why the caged bird sings

«The poignant beauty of Angelou’s writing enhances rather than masks the candid with which she addresses the racial crisis through which America was passing»[7]. That of Maya Angelou is a lively and melodic voice, her poems can talk even when there’s no human voice to give them sound, they have as mode,s the language of the intense, brave speeches of the great activist of the battle for black people’s rights like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. Angelou was able to bring together all temporal planes in her writing: both in her poetry and autobiographies, she managed to give voice to the last, to make it a new present, part of the hic te nunc of the existence in action and not anymore as something disappeared with time, but as something that is still here partly, that is still a being. A past that is personal, her life, her youth, her terrible traumas, the beauty of growing before as a girl than as a woman; a pat that is of her community, the troubled story of afroamericana and who that the lyrical I becomes a We, the collectivity becomes a person. The personal experience is thus an exemplum for the common one and becomes even global. The present meets the past, that of when a given poems was born, that of readers, of the poet, it’s the daily battle which becomes memory, it’s the journey to the self-determination in a place where is hostility but also the future, it’s the caged bird that sings and whose song is heard by the free birds, the future is a song overcoming its own time: «The caged bird sings/with a fearful trill/of things unknown/but longed for still/and his tune is heard/on the distant hill/for the caged bird/sings of freedom»[8]. “The caged bird”, dr, Maya Angelou’s favourite metaphor, taken from Paul Laurence Dunbar, famous afroamerican author, is a symbol for the inner freedom that wins ones the oppression of the external, is an eternal song that’s heard until now and if it’s clearly listened, one can hear the thousand of voice from the past and here we can find the beauty in Maya Angelou’s writing: the ability to speak through not one but a thousand of voices, voices of both the present and the past, giving relevance to the last ones, and consequently she was able to tell the future, to be understood by who’ll be after her.

2. Gwendolyn Brooks: writing poetry that will be meaningful

The poetic voice of Gwendolyn Brooks, the first afroamerican woman to win the Pulitzer Prize, is raw, bitter when the language gets filled with political and cultural meaning, when brings a message without forgetting the sweetness, the beauty of a poised, refined style. Worked, studied poems, perfect verse and rhymes, but also intense, hard, which don’t take away to be tough, to tell the truth on oppression, pain, on the battle to re-humanise her own identity in a culture where it was deprived of its otherness, of being an Other Ego, an Other Truth. This happens especially with the her most famous poem collection, In The Mecca, a turning point for Brooks’s poetics. «I want to write poems that will be non compromising. I don’t want to stop a concern with words doing good jobs, which has always been a concern of mine, but I want to write poems that will be meaningful […]»[9] and this was so. Brooks managed to delineate a world, give multiple meanings to the words she used, to the poems, to speak with the voice of her great gallery of characters. In her poems, there’s her Lyric I, but also her characters. Such a polyphony that only few, even among novelists, can make it in such little verbal marks. «The words, lines, and arrangements have been worked and worked and worked again into poised exactness: the unexpected apt metaphor, the mock-colloquial asides amid jewelled phrases, the half-ironic repetition – she knows it all»[10]. A poetry that can speak to its people, community, that hopes, fights for a future where Gwendolyn Brooks «[…] envisioned “the profound and frequent shaking of hands, which in Africa in so important. The shaking of hands in warmth and strength and union”»[11].

3. Margaret Walker: poetry as hope, poetry for the people

Margaret Walker’s poetics is the voice of a whole people, is culture that becomes creative work of a lonely person for the universality and becomes bringer of values. It’s the song of a choir, a choir for the last, of the story of slavery, of that community that still fights for the right to exist; it’s a choir that still sings and never stops to sing the lines of this wonderful poet.

One of the most loved and praised poem of Margaret Walker is “For My People”, which contains all the characteristics that made unique Walker’s poetry and it’s an excursus through the past and more recent history of US Black community, from the tragedy of slavery, to civil battles still fought nowadays in the heart of the New World; «poems in which the body and spirit of a great group of people are revealed with vigour and undeviating integrity»[12]. She uses as reference cultural elements of her community, recalls heroes, events that form that culture as vast as unheard by those who spit poison to not lose the position of privilege, and if this culture isn’t heard, then Margaret Walker addresses also to the deaf. She speaks to them as well, making universal a history that’s particular. Walker speak to everyone through her rhymes, she speaks to the humanity; her poetry talks about tragedies but is full of hope because she knows there will be always someone who still listen, fight, defend, doesn’t forget, «[…] the power of resilience presented in the poem is a hope Walker holds out not only to black people, but to all people […] “After all, it is the business of all writes to write about the human condition, and all humanity must be involved in both the writing and in the reading”»[13]

Viviana Rizzo

References

[1] LORDE, A., “Poetry Is Not a Luxury”, in Audre Lorde, Sister outsider, Trumansburg N.Y., Crossing Press, 1984, p. 371

[2] TODOROV, L’arte nella tempesta. L’avventura di poeti, scrittori e pittori nella Rivoluzione Russa, trans. ita. by Emanuele Lana, Milano, Garzanti S.r.l., 2017, p. 120 (iBooks)

[3] LORDE, A., “Poetry Is Not a Luxury”, in Audre Lorde, Sister outsider, p. 372

[4] Ibidem

[5] EDITORS, “Maya Angelou”, in Poetry Foundation, web, 2021, (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/maya-angelou, retrieved on 24th February 2021)

[6] EDITORS, “Margaret Walker”, in Poetry Foundation, web, 2021 (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/margaret-walker, retrieved on 24th February 2020).

[7] HOLST, W.A., “Review of A song Flung up to Heaven”, in Christian Century (giugno 2002), pp. 35-36, cit. in EDITORS, “Maya Angelou” in Poetry Foundation

[8] ANGELOU, M., The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou, New Work, Random House Inc., 1994, p. 194

[9] EDI TORS, “Gwendolyn Brooks”, Poetry Foundation, web, 2021 (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/gwendolyn-brooks consultato il 24 febbraio 2021)

[10] LITTLEJOHN, D., Black on White: A Critical Survey of Writing by American Negroes, New York, Grossman, 1966, p. 91, cit. in EDITORS, “Gwendolyn Brooks”, in Poetry Foundation

[11] EDITORS, “Gwendolyn Brooks”, in Poetry Foundation

[12] UNTERMEYER, L. “New Books in Review” in Yake Review, vol. XXXII, n. 2 (inverno 1934), p.371, cit. in EDITORS, “Margaret Walker”, in Poetry Foundation

[13] EDITORS, “Margaret Walker”, in Poetry Foundation

[ashthewaterghoul]

“Living Happily - A Wolfstar One Shot”

TW - physical assault, blood, discrimination, abusive family, homophobia and transphobia.

“Fuck!” Remus shouted as he threw the letter across the room.

“Remus!” Sirius said bouncing a baby Harry on his lap. “He’s starting to repeat things now, you need to be careful.”

“Another rejection! Because of ‘who I am and how I choose live’. I didn’t choose all this! Why are people like this?”

“They just don’t understand you, and that scares them.”

“It’s a good thing your family is so wealthy, we’d be on the street without that money.”

“But we’re not, and never will be. Hopefully I’ll hear back from the Ministry soon, and then you will get a job and we will be living happily.”

“Moo Moo.” Harry said reaching in Remus’ direction. Whenever Remus was down, all he had to do was look at Harry’s face, not only would he see the cute little boy, but also two of his best friends. He was identical to James, but he had Lily’s eyes. Keeping Harry safe was something that kept Remus going, providing for Harry the way his parents did.

The next day, Remus woke up early and went to the muggle shop down the street to get a few things. On the way back, he heard some whispers down an alleyway, he kept his head down and tried to continue home, but then the group of men charged out and tackled Remus to the ground. He knocked his head hard on the ground which winded him. As he gasped for air, he was beaten up by the men for what seemed like forever. Punch after punch, and kick after kick. After they were finally done, one of them spat on Remus and said: “Fucking disgrace”. They walked off like it was nothing.

Remus could barely find the strength to stand. He slipped on the milk which had burst out of the carton, falling once again to the floor, face first. His face was dripping blood as his nose had just broke. He limped his way back home, it wasn’t far but his weakness caused him to take a lot longer than it should, holding onto lamp posts, bus shelters and walls for support.

Sirius was in the kitchen feeding Harry when he heard the door open.

“Hey, Rem. Shop alright?” He looked over and his smile quickly faded as he saw his boyfriend bloodied and bruised.

“Holy fuck! Sit down.” After Sirius’ abuse from his mother, he knew something about healing. He sat down by Remus and started cleaning his wounds, wiping away the blood and healing him.

“What was it about this time?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it muggles or wizards?”

“I don’t know, barely got a look at them.”

“This is why I tell you to take your wand with you!”

There was many reasons Remus could be a ‘fucking disgrace’, he was a half-blood, bisexual, dating a boy from the Black family, a werewolf and a transgender man.

Remus had been at war with his gender for as long as he knew. His parents always supported him, but they all knew it would put another target on his back. When his friends found out at school, about everything, they couldn’t have been happier for him. Sirius would help him bind his chest, James would be like his Mum telling him to take his hormone potions and Lily would always sneak him menstrual products. Whenever he tried out a new name they would always respect him and correct others, and when he decided on ‘Remus’, Sirius gave him the money to legally change it.

“Moo Moo okay?” Harry asked from his high chair.

“I’m just a little bit hurt.” Remus said.

“A little?! Remus you look like hell.”

“Thanks babe.”

When Sirius was done healing Remus, Harry lay on the sofa, cuddled up next to Remus and fell asleep, softly snoring. He looked at Harry’s little round face, he was so young and innocent, it only strengthened the part in Remus that made him want to protect him.

A thud by the window told them that the owl had just dropped off the post. There was today’s Prophet and a letter for Sirius.

“It’s from the Ministry!” Sirius said excitedly. As he read the letter, it was evident from his facial expression that it wasn’t good news.

“Dear Mr. Black,” he read aloud “We regret to inform you that your application for the muggle relations internship has been rejected. We think that given your family’s history, it would make muggles and muggle-borns feel unwelcome and unsafe.”

“That’s fu-, I mean, that’s messed up, Pads.”

“I always thought my family would haunt me, but I didn’t think it would be like this.” He said, collapsing on the armchair.

“Well, that’s another point for Team Gets-Rejected-For-Things-We-Didn’t-Choose.” Remus said “What jobs are going in the Prophet?”

“Not much, shop workers, DADA professor, and-“ Sirius’ grey eyes were fixed on one point.

“What? What did you see?”

“A position for a Healer at St. Mungo’s.”

“Well, you’re great at healing me, I reckon you go for it.”

“What about you?” He said tossing the paper at Remus. “Anything you like the look of?”

He scanned the section “The Ministry want someone to mange the werewolf registry.”

“Perfect, I reckon.”

“Perfect” Harry repeated, waking up from his brief sleep.

They sent their owls with the applications a few hours later, and sent a third one to put Harry in a day care. They both got owls of acceptance a few weeks later. Sirius started to change the implications associated with the Black name. For the first time since it’s inception, the werewolf registry was finally in order, and due to Remus’ seat of power, werewolf rights were finally on the rise.

Sirius and Remus adored Harry, but they had wanted their own biological children since their time in Hogwarts. Neither were getting younger, but they had to hold off until their jobs were stable.

“Someday, we will have a our little family.” They would say to each other “We don’t need another Sirius though.” Remus would add on. Their dreams were realised a couple years later when Remus gave birth to a set of fraternal twins they called James and Lily.

Over the years, they had experienced so much hate because their sexualities, Sirius’ family, Remus’ gender and lycanthropy, but the Lupin-Black household couldn’t even think about that when they finally had the family they had wanted since they were 15, fantasising in Gryffindor tower, smoking by the open window or curled up together on one of the tiny four poster beds. They were finally living happily.

Hello! This was my first go at writing a character as trans and I would really like it if you could tell me how I could improve in the future! Please interact with my posts as much as you can and please leave any feedback or suggestions for future fics. You can also follow me on Instagram if you want @siriusly_a_jedi. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it❤️

View all my one shots here