#it's the internalized ableism in'it?

[harlowes-home]

(tw vent. kind of. ends well tho)

Ok I think I've learned a new thing on how my brain works after spending a whole month being kind of normal one moment then having a depressive episode the next repeatedly that might help me going forward.

I spent the whole time thinking I'm just fine one moment and then suddenly self loathing angry and apathetic the next but no, I'm actually ALWAYS self loathing angry and apathetic to some extent. I'm ALWAYS having real shitty thoughts about myself and others, it's just that when I'm able to do things like sleep, have a consistent schedule, an organized environment, yknow your standard mental health stuff there like, there's insulation to keep those thoughts from really hurting and sending me spiraling. They're still always there but it's more like they're just running in the background so I can focus on and think and do other things too.

Like this may already be basic information to other people but I'm realizing I've been beating myself up about mental health forever because I saw "being mentally healthy" as just getting rid of those thoughts altogether and the idea of not being able to made me feel ashamed so this kinda feels like an epiphany to me. Like yeah it's not always easy to actually do the things that give me that insulation especially with school and work sometimes its impossible and thats a problem but the realization that yeah I can really still live with those thoughts and feelings and still manage to be healthy and happy like it's a relief I don't have to rewire my brain somehow which I didn't realize I felt I had to do till now.