#it's sad because im close to a milestone? ? but at the same time im not comfortable with all these personals following | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

black-bhabie-2000 · 3 years ago

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Hii! I would like to request accidental stimulation in public by fem reader (may be she doesn't pay much attention that time about this? Or u choose ) & and then may be the Guys get flustered about this and they try to get close & get some stimulation with their S/O till they get home and then we can go all NSFW 😛 with KENNY, CHIFUYU, BAJI, MITSUYA please ♡♡ thank you for your time. Have a greattt day☆ xo

I hope I had the right idea with this.. thank you for being my first ask and sorry if it isn't right I did the ones I know and I hope you request again..

Mitsuya

You and Mitsuya have been dating for a while and you've gotten to see every side of him. Including what he's like outside of his Toman persona but you guys were about to hit an even bigger milestone. He invited you to his house. You were brimming with excitement. You stopped at his club after school to walk with him. He spotted you " Just a sec babe, alright make sure to not hurt yourselves and anything you mews up let me know so I can help you tomorrow. " with that He grabbed his stuff and grabbed your hand pulling you alongside him. The walk to his house wasn't long. You guys walked in and changed to his slippers and he led you to his room. "Feel free to look around." He said with a smirk. You laughed " How did you know !" He smiled and closed the door. You waited to see if he was going to com back in and he didn't. So you started snooping. The first thing was dirty magazines but sadly he hide them to well but you came across something better. In his closet was a bag with your name on it. What else could you do but open it and inside was the prettiest dress you've ever seen. You immediately stripped not paying attention to the door that was slowly opening and started putting on the dress. Once on you realized it really emphasized you curves and was a little too tight in certain areas. The whole time your tugging and trying to make it fit right. Your boyfriend is on the floor watching the show your putting on. " Wow you look hot babe" you turned around flushed and embarrassed. You forgot he would eventually come in. " You look very sexy in the clothes I made for you but it looks like it needs some adjustments " he smirked and stood up slowly walking to you. Your body moving backwards till your against the wall . Mitsuya leans in his hair tickling the side of your face. He grabs your side his right hand slowly sliding down your back and he whispers in your ear. " We're going to have to rip this off and start from scratch ." Let's just say you reached more than one milestone that day and Mitsuya makes you wear the clothes he designs on dates.

Baji

You and Baji have been in the same class for 2 years and yes yall both dumber than a bag of rocks. Only thing is you were more popular because of how cute your actions were. While baji was just weird. You asked Baji out and much to your surprise he said yes. You didn't know about Toman or that he looked like out of school until he asked you on a date to an amusement park. He told you his gang was going to be there and you excited about going on your first date pulled all the stops. Im talking about cute thigh highs, brand new skirt with a baby doll top that showed off your rack quite nicely ��. Your makeup was beat in and you snuck into your older sisters makeup for the spray that would make sure your face wouldn't melt. Your accessories showed off you curvy and cute form. You hadn't seen Baji after-school and neither had he seen you. So you arrive at your meeting spot and couldn't see him. So you waited. You hadn't noticed the group of boys next to the fountain you walked past or kept circling. Draken called attention to you first with a nod in your direction "she's cute '

Takemitchy gasped "don't say that what about Emily " Draken laughed "like Mikey would let me date his sister " Mikey silently smiled to himself ready to go into the amusement park cause he was hungry. "Baji how long is your girlfriend gonna take, we've been out here for 20 minutes " Mikey whined. I don't know man she said she was here maybe I should call her ?" Baji responded. "You should've called her in the first place" chifuyu replied. Baji typed in your number and flipped chifuyu off with lead int the guys chuckling. You had hit the roundabout and stopped in your tracks a few feet in front of the boys. You picked up your phone in a hurry and answered it . You were kinda irritated " if you weren't going to be here , you shouldn't have wasted my time dumbass and hung up on him. Baji ofc looking at you and also stunned that you cussed at didn't say a word. Better yet all the boys were looking at you because one there was no way Baji pulled a baddy like you and two did you just cuss him out. You were Bout to storm off . When Baji caught your arm and spun you around, pulling you into him. You were shocked cause one wo to was this hot ass stranger and why was he so close. You went to yell at him and " hey babe if I knew you were going to get all filled up. I wouldn't have invited the gang and 'he leans I a little too close ' we could've went to my place for a study Date. He said gazing deep in your eyes and you knew exactly what he meant and it was for sure not studying. You pulled back half in shock cause you recognized his voice anywhere and damn you got lucky. You slapped Bajis chest ' hmph show me your friends dummy and walked away. Baji chuckling behind you , slyly gripping your hand. " Hey Draken the hot babes mine "

DRAKEN (kenny)

It was a comfy afternoon , the sky was gray and it was raining true peace. Well as peaceful as it gets in the red light district. You followed Draken all the way to his house and then hid when he got out. You walked around till you met the front desk clerksman and he recognized you. Though you didn't know how . He offered you some tea and led you to Drakens room. " I don't know when he'll be back and I'm not calling him so stay comfortable " he shut the door and left . You were in Drakens room your excitement trumping your guilt because you followed your boyfriend outta jealously. " It's so neat in here" you announce to yourself in a slight mischievous tone. Looking around cautiously you start to what any girl in her boyfriend would do . Look for evidence, not bad evidence but evidence. You had been strategically Looking and putting everything back in its place just in case he might get upset with you for Looking through his stuff. You did find a porn Magazine that showed you why he was dating you. You fit the body type of the page with white residue on it to a T . I mean her ass was a bit bigger but hey what's a girl to do. You had now moved on to store i.e. his closet . You opened and marveled at how many of those damn black and white jackets he has like damn Boi buy another color shit. You now completely forgotten you are trespassing cause your boyfriend doesn't know you are there. You start to strip and try on his clothes. Draken was making his way home it was still light outside and plus he needed to Chang into his toman uniform because Mikey wanted to meet up tonight. He was in the building heading up the elevators. Wondering why he hasn't heard from you all day. TF were you doing 😒, were you mad at him. He doesn't really know or care . He's just pissed you hadn't texted him all day. "I'm going to punish that brat next time I see her 😏" the elevator door opened and he stepped off with a pep in his step to change a little faster and head to your house and mess with you before the meeting. He walked up to the desk .

You had lost track of all time and now was getting ballsy. You half naked was about to put on his toman uniform. All your sanity is apparently out the Window cause you are giggle Loud as fuck. Your couldn't fit the pants but his jacket and boots fit nice and the way your ass looked hanging out the bottom of the jacket oof girl, you left it open revealing your bust just enough and you had your hair in a pony tail trying to mimick your boyfriends hair. ' I'm Draken and Mikey is my leader and son and if you wanna hurt him you gotta fight mee grrr"... you had your fist up and a very sad attempt of a bad ass face. You currently fake fighting and giggling like an idiot had no idea Draken had been watching you since you put your hair in the pony tail. (Stealthy bitch) you turn around doing a bad ass kick and scream and dive to his bed and cover yourself up. " WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE. YOU DIDN'T CALL OR TELL ME YOU WERE COMING " Draken laughed " Sweetcheeks this is my room' he approached the bed and ripped the covers off of you. You squirmed away from him till your head hit the wall. Giving Draken enough Time to place himself over you." Well hey there babe , you look pretty sexy in my uniform " his hand trailing up the side of your thigh. " I have 1 and 45 before the Toman meeting that's enough time to show you my bad ass skills huh sweetcheeks" you gasped .......... Draken was very late to the meeting that day and your brother was pissed when you went home the next day but shit that was the best sleep you ever had 😏😏😏😉🤷🏿‍♀️

#draken #draken x reader #mikey tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers kazutora #mikey x reader #first request #thank you #i appreciate it #please request more ok

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astrojoy · 3 years ago

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CONGRATS ON YOUR FOLLOWER MILESTONE BBY! IM PROUD OF YOU SM! 🥳🥳

~ YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE YOU GET!! 👏🏼 you put so much care into your work and it’s always all or nothing, your hard work and attention to detail is greatly appreciated ! I believe you’ll do great things because you’re already so amazing ! I’m so excited to see what the future has in store 😌

~YOUR ENERGY IS OUT OF THIS WORLD !!! You are like everyone’s mood booster that is able to somehow make everyone feel instantly better, I really hope you understand it doesn’t go unnoticed and people truly love you for this, including myself of course🥰

~YOU HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL!!! I’ve seen you stand up for some blogs you are close to and even though it seems like a normal thing others would do, it’s still so admirable. You take into consideration everyone’s feelings and even though you tell others when they’ve crossed boundaries you’re still kind with the way you present yourself and how you feel. I could feel how protective and patience you are for those you really care about. It’s like you don’t back down and I just love that about you💕

~ YOU’RE SO EXPRESSIVE AND HEARTWARMING!!! You’re reactions and interactions with others is always something exciting to see lol, you’re such a big ball of sunshine and your energy is so contagious. I love how you always show your thanks and appreciation for others and I believe it’s your turn to feel the love! You always go above and beyond for others and it’s crazy- sometimes I feel like we don’t deserve you but at the same time I can’t imagine this place without you. You’re irreplaceable ✨

~ YOUR BLOG IS SO YOU !!!👑 It’s easy to tell you apart from others bc your style is so distinctive. Even the way you talk stands out because you seem so authentically yourself it’d be hard to copy your ways, I bet you were probably someone who struggled with this. Obviously so much people admire you so it’s not surprising you may have a few copycats, it’s not the best thing but that’s how you know you’re truly succeeding. CONTINUE TO BE YOURSELF AND SEE HOW THINGS FLOW, I KNOW FATE HAS SO MUCH PLANNED 🌸

Moved

You took all that time to type out all of that?

For me?

Let me change the aesthetic up to match my emotional heart right now

🤭🤫🥺

I have no words- this caught me off guard- I had my hands cupping my mouth the whole time. I was so in awe at every sweet and kind detail you said- YOU EVEN ORGANIZED IT AS POINTS WITH CUTE GIFS- You are such a sweet angel 🥺🤝🥺

You say I'm sweet but this act of kindness just can't go unmissed 😭 this was so beautiful, I am so blessed to have such kind souls to talk to. I've seen you interact so much as well and I've noticed it personally. Everytime I see your name pop up it quite frankly makes me happy because it's like seeing a neighbor pass by and wave to say "hello!" 😣

I HOPE I CAN KEEP MAKING GREAT CONTENT AND STAYING POSITIVE, I WILL DO IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT! This world lacks it at times. Scales go unbalances. Harmony is foggy. When one person makes another happy, their's a 50% chance the other will pass it on to another, to which this can spread, like pollen in the wind, through a beautiful field of flowers

A butterfly cannot leave it's cacoon without transforming. The world cannot be vibrant without love

To be a caterpillar who goes into a cacoon is stuck, to not break free makes one sad, this means no color

To be a butterfly means you broke out of that cacoon because of the beautiful energy of the kind mother nature herself, you are colorful

Children who seemed to not have a fortunate upbringing are broken. Suddenly you fly by and make them laugh, they run with you staring at your beautiful wings, then you notice the parents take pictures

Memories

The kids grow up. Seeing butterflies randomly now makes them gasp in awe, a joyful memory

They are happy

They then feel positive. They spread this to others who then spread this to more people

Everyone loves being around beautiful energy. Their energy is cured, they spread their own energy. The domino effect

Not everyone will accept this. Some people are born to be challenging. To be stubborn. To be negative. To be a predator in a vast planet of prey

But it's ok because everyone else can have fun without them, to go out and play

After all, as the saying goes

"After a storm their is always a rainbow"

All will be ok

Rainbows are made by reflections of the light/water and atmosphere. Our energy is just the same

And thank you for this beautiful post @angellkisses I am screenshotting it to keep in my phone 😣💖💖💖 this was so sweet I just loved it so much. I hope you have a beautiful day! I send you so much positive energy lovely!

#real life #life lessons #astrology #tarot #this was so sweet #astrology blog #aesthetics #blog aesthetic #tarot blog

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taeyamayang · 3 years ago

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heya bub! I'll join your 400 followers event !!

I go around as Mari, my preference is male and the cards I pick is spade+hearts!

I'm an ambivert and v socially awkward. I can be very extroverted around my family and friends (tho the socialness tends to run out after awhile.) Shy to new comers or random people. I'm not v vocal with my feelings or thoughts sometimes, but i like if others are so i could help. I like to see people smile, never a bad mood in the room cuz it makes me uncomfy. I also tend to pass round flirty jokes to friends. I'm kinda moody, sometimes i can be angry for no reason and ignore everyone,or sometimes im sad and don't know why. I am a huge chatter box,pray i ain't talkin bout anime/manga because, i can go on for HOURS. I can be blunt when people ask me for advice or ask me sum, if i feel like they need to hear it,i will say it. But if not,then i tell a light truth. I am good at listening tho and understanding with people.

I like ANIME/MANGA,MUSIC,WRITING,EDITS,YOUTUBE DRAMA,FLUFFY BLANKETS, FOOD, ENERGY DRINKS, MUKBANGS.

I dislike BUGS,LOUD NOISES (like loud car engines, the sink disposal those things.), NEON COLORS, TIGHT OR "just right" FITTED SHIRTS,STUCK UP PEOPLE, HORROR MOVIES PAST 7:30pm.

hobbies learning the piano, writing , editing.

WORD FOR THE PROMPT - DARK

tip - heya! keep up the great work, your doing pretty good and I'm sure in time you'll hit another milestone (u ever do another event, i'll join again ;> )

a/n: ngl with you im a bit rusty with angst nowadays this is a callout for me to practice but i hope you like this one! thank you for the sweet tip it defo made me smile :) have a great day/night!!

you chose: SPADES & HEART

SPADES: ex lover

YOUR EX: Eita Semi

TROPE: toxic relationship

GENRE: ANGST | exes to lovers to exes

GIST: you look at the mirror staring at the figure you barely recognize. The dark circle around your droopy eyes are a reminder of long, dragging nights of crying to yourself sleep. Your disheveled hair that you once made sure to keep neat with pins is now all over the place, and your dry lips cause your skin to crack. You feel the tiny needles prickly against the skin of your palms as your bottom mouth uncontrollably quivers. How did you come to this point? There could be several reasons, but your mind always draws to the same person each time you think of it. You know to yourself that even if you beg even an ounce of love, he once made you feel it wouldn’t matter now since the person who made you feel the happiest and luckiest to have him is no longer the same person who knows nothing but to twist the knife inside your chest.

HEARTS: your soulmate

YOUR SOULMATE: Ushijima Wakatoshi

TROPE: you’re stuck inside a storage room

GENRE: romance | awkward encounters | crushes | brain rotting fluff! | budding romance

GIST: you are forced to attend your school's annual campfire trip for graduating students in your university. So far, it isn’t as bland as you presumed it to be. Honestly, it was pretty fun. You aren’t a people person but seeing the smiles lit up on your batchmates as they dance and converse around the fire is enough to keep a smile on your face. Minutes later, the school professor asked you to get extra chairs from the storage cabin near the camp. Before dismissing you, he pulls the known spiker and university’s pride, Ushijima Wakatoshi. You both head to the said cabin with him tailing behind you. You never shared a conversation with him before, so the whole walk to the storage room is somewhat awkward. The room falls dark when he pushes the door close as you retrieve extra foldable chairs. Lo and behold, the lock from the front of the door hooks down, making you both locked inside the room. The music from the camp deafens your screams for help. And as if the universe is against you, the coldness starts to sit in. you curl down and hug your knees in an attempt to contain your body warmth. The volleyball player sees you and instantly takes off his sweater before placing it gently behind your back. Your eyes met, but your words failed. Soon, the students found you both drifted to sleep while cuddling next to each other.

Masterlist | list of enteries

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#hq headcanons #hq images #hq drabbles #hq aus #hq scenarios #hq events #hq x you #semi x you #ushijima x you #pea.events #pea.writes

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breathinginthevapor · 5 years ago

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“At least think of me while you’re gone”

Summary: your relationship with Tom is a secret, and you hate it. At a party, your feelings are finally confronted.

A/N: This is a very, very, very late (im so sorry taylor!) entry for @plushparkers 2k writing challenge, so a big congrats to her on reaching on that amazing milestone! I hope you guys will give it a read and tell me what you think afterwards!

Word count: 5600+

T/W: alcohol and swearing

My masterlist

To: The Worst Spiderman Ever🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

When does your plane arrive?❤️ (heart emoji)

You hit send, putting your phone down on the sink. You pick up the mascara instead, painting your eyelashes black before the “Ping!”-sound from your phone startles you and causes you to draw a dark line just below your eyebrow.

“Fucking shit,” you curse, searching through your cabinet with frantic movements for a cotton pad and makeup remover.

While you try to remove your mistake, you look at your phone.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

Around 5. Don’t have to pick me up, though.

Throwing the cotton pad in the bin, you quickly type an answer.

To: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

You know I want to. Missed you😘 (kissing emoji)

You smile at the thought that you’ll see him today, and that these last months spent longing will finally be over. In just a couple of hours, you will be able to smell him, talk to him, touch him. And yeah, maybe he won’t kiss you at the airport, but he definitely will later, when it’s just the two of you.

Another “Ping” lets you know you’ve gotten a new message, and you try to keep your cool by applying some lipstick, but your whole body is buzzing, eager to see his answer.

Soon, your lips are coated in a beautiful red shade, perfectly kissable in your own, humble opinion. Tom loves having your lips mark him, his jaw often covered in lipstick marks after you’ve been hanging out, and the fact that the popping colour draws attention to your lips doesn’t hurt, either.

You want him to hug you in the airport while he’s yearning to kiss you, yearning to see if you taste like that cherry lip balm he likes, and maybe you won’t when he finally gets you alone, but by then it won’t matter.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

There’ll be a crowd, and I’ll be too tired to do anything but sleep anyway.

You don’t understand. Does that mean he doesn’t want you to come? Or that he thinks you’ll get uncomfortable surrounded by his screaming fans?

Because you can deal with the fans, you’ve done so before, but if it’s because he doesn’t want you there, you won’t know what to do.

Before you can answer, though, another text shows on the screen.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

I’ll just see you at the party🕺🎆 (dancing man and fireworks emoji)

The welcome home party might already be tomorrow, but you still feel stupid. Here you’ve been, ecstatic for his return for weeks while he doesn’t even want you to be there in the airport. Besides, who knows how much you’ll even see of him tomorrow, everyone’s there to see him, after all.

To: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

👍 (thumbs up emoji)

And yeah, maybe your answer is passive aggressive, but right now, you really don’t care. Not when you’ve spent days debating what to wear for picking him up and figured out exactly what amount of make-up you should go for to ensure you looking great but not over the top.

And now, he doesn’t even want to see you.

You find the makeup remover once more, this time removing all traces of the makeup you’ve just applied. You slide the cotton pad all over your face with harsh movements, and while it might not be the best way to clean your skin, it helps relieve some of the anger.

Both your skin and your eyes are red when you’re finished, but you don’t look at yourself in the mirror long enough to see the tears sliding down.

Instead, you go back to bed, crawl under the covers and cry to a sad teen movie you loved when you were younger.

The worst part is, you find that you still love the movie just as much as back then, all too similar to the way your love for Tom has done nothing but increase since you first discovered it in your teen years.

Tom’s parents’ house is filled up with people, but as Tom’s best friend through most of your life, you know the bigger part of them.

You spend a couple minutes talking to his aunt about her hip problems, but then you figure you want something to drink and excuse yourself.

There’s a lot to choose from, delicious sodas and expensive-looking bottles of champagne and wine, but you pick up a canned beer instead. You figure you need some alcohol as soon as possible. That way, you hope you’ll have the courage to face him when you have to.

You definitely can’t keep avoiding him, because even though the house isn’t small, it isn’t exactly a mansion, either.

You sip the beer, taking a few steps towards the wall to let Tom’s young cousins access the drink’s table.

Then, your eyes meet his, and you feel slightly dizzy as it seems almost unreal to finally see him in real life and not through a screen.

Still, you’re angry and hurt, and there’s a knot in your stomach. You can’t remember the last time you felt like this, the last you were angry at him. And maybe it’s petty, but you just hate the fact that you always plan everything around him, while he, when it comes down to it, doesn’t even want to see you after spending four months apart.

“Hey,” he greets you with a smile while still making his way to you, squeezing in between people and excusing himself.

“Hey,” you repeat, but your voice is cold as you take another sip of your beer. There’s a flicker of worry breaking through his confident, happy exterior, but it disappears quickly.

When he’s finally standing close enough to you, he engulfs you in a tight hug, and although you’ve dreamt about this reunion, this first hug in months, it doesn’t even feel that nice. Your body is tense, and your attempt to reciprocate his hug is half-hearted, so he finally lets you go and looks inquiring at you, still with a grip on your elbows.

“We cool?”

You swallow a lump, trying to put on a fake smile. You hope he doesn’t see through it, because although he used to be able to read your face as if it was a stop sign or a stupid brochure for a new pizzeria, it’s been a long time since you last saw each other.

“Sure.”

“Why are you acting weird then?” he asks, and you know he’s split between knowing you’re lying and the fact that it probably won’t help his situation to call you out on it.

You shake his hands off you to gulp down some beer.

“I’m not.”

He crooks his head, scrunching his eyes and looking down at his hands that hang loosely down his sides after returning from you. They start fiddling with the red polo he’s wearing, and you let your gaze wander slowly up his body, not missing how strong his biceps look or the broadness of his shoulder, before you get to his face to find him already watching you.

“You are.”

This time, you don’t argue. Why even bother?

A silence settles between you, so different to the happy chatter filling up the room, and you don’t know how to act. You don’t think you’ve ever experienced anything so awkward with Tom, he’s always been the one you could talk to for an endless number of hours, the one you could be quiet with, the one person in the world you were most comfortable around.

“Nice party,” you say when the silence becomes too much for you, but you hate yourself for being the first one to bow down. It seems that you always are.

He shrugs, “You know my mum. Always inviting people we don’t even talk with often.”

Perhaps it just runs in the family, you wonder; making people feel like they’re more important than they are.

“They’ve missed you,” you just tell him, knowing that it’s true. He tends to have that impact on people, squeezing himself into their hearts in a matter of five minutes. And once you’ve met him, it’s impossible to forget him.

“They?” he softly asks, and you know he wants you to elaborate.

When you don’t, he asks again, this time phrased so you have no chance to get out of answering, “What about you? Haven’t you missed me?”

You look away, your gaze landing on Harrison who’s laughing with Tom’s grandma.

“Don’t know why you would ask something so stupid,“ you mutter.

He steps closer, and you can feel his presence all over your body. His breath hits your face, and you can smell both beer and the homemade chips his dad is famous for.

“Wanna hear you say it.”

You look at him again, and like countless of times before, you are hit by his beauty. You don’t think there’s a single person in this world as handsome as him, but you might be biased.

Being in love with the same guy for years tends to do that to someone.

“Missed you so much it hurt,” you admit, and you watch his face soften. He’s so close that you could just lean forward and kiss him.

Needless to say, it takes everything in you not to.

Luckily, he steps back, and the enchantment is broken.

“I should probably talk to the other guests. Don’t want them to feel left out, do we?”

You force yourself to laugh, “Of course not.”

But everything in you is begging and hoping that he just takes your hand and leads you away from everyone.

You want him to say that he’s missed you too, that he’s been thinking of you constantly, but you know he hasn’t. Or, maybe he’s felt a pinch of pain occasionally, but then he’s moved on and forgotten about it. Unlike you, who has spent so many nights crying, wishing that he was laying right beside you. And you know that it’s not his fault, that your circumstances are different because he’s out there, doing what he loves most while you are drowning in boring schoolwork and waiting impatiently for his return.

He steps closer, and you think he’s going to kiss you, in front of all those people, and your heart starts beating terribly fast, but then he turns his head and whispers in your ear, “Will I see you later?”

You know what he means: Another quickie in the dark, no one finding out there’s any more than friendship between you. Because that’s how he wants your relationship to be, a secret, even from his own family.

It feels like a stake to the heart, and honestly, you don’t feel like he deserves an answer. Instead, you opt for a small smile that could mean anything and then you down your beer, leaving him there and walking over to your other curly haired friend, but not before handing him the empty can.

If he’s so determined to be the perfect host, he might as well clean up a bit.

“Hey Haz,” you mumble, throwing your arms around Harrison’s torso from behind.

He looks back at you and smiles widely, and contrary to what one might think, you aren’t completely oblivious to how good looking he is.

You wonder if you should have thought of getting some less pretty friends to make yourself shine a bit more in comparison, but you don’t think you’d be able to find someone who could make you laugh as much as Tom and Harrison can, not even if you searched the whole planet.

You just have to live with the unfairness of their unarguable attractiveness.

“Hey Y/N. Tired?” he asks softly.

You yawn, realizing that you actually are and confirming his question. He chuckles, and you press your cheek against his shoulder, closing your eyes for a second.

“I like this sweater. Really soft.”

“Hi nan,” you then greet Tom’s grandmother who has always insisted that you treat her the same way her grandkids would.

Measured in how much time you’ve spent with her and the rest of the family, you might as well be.

“Hello, darling,” she says, sending you a sweet smile. “I have to serve the cake now, but come catch up with me later, won’t you?”

“Of course, nan,” you promise her, watching her leave and then letting go of Harrison.

“Everything alright?” he asks after turning around to face you.

You shrug, “I guess.”

He rolls his eyes, pointing his finger at you in a reprimanding manner, “Tell me what’s wrong or you know what will happen.”

You can’t help but smile, but then you play along and squeeze your eyes shut and crossing your arms, “I’m not scared of you.”

“You’re not? Then you won’t mind if I TICKLE YOU?”

Harrisons hands reach for you, but you run away, squealing, before he can catch you.

“You’ll never catch me,” you mock him, running up the stairs and into Tom’s bedroom before realizing the inevitable: that you’re trapped.

“NOOOOO,” you scream as he pushes you onto the bed and starts tickling you, hands gripping your sides.

“Let me go, please, Haz,” you beg in-between laughs.

“You know what you need to say, Y/N,” he grins, and you shake your head.

“Never.”

However, it doesn’t take long before you surrender, throwing your hands up and rolling your eyes.

“Alright, alright, you are the hottest, coolest, cleverest, funniest person in the world, Harrison Osterfield.”

He immediately lets you go, plopping down on the bed beside you.

“Finally. My arms were getting tired,” he sighs contently.

You grunt, “Should spend a bit more time in the gym, then.”

“Oh, shut up, Y/N.”

He hits you playfully, and you both laugh, looking up to the ceiling and catching your breaths.

When you’ve stopped panting, you speak up, “Would you be ashamed of me if we were dating?”

“How can you even ask me that? You’re the dopest person ever,” he reassures you, turning his head to the side to look at you.

You laugh, “I can believe you still say dope.”

“What can I say, I’m just a dope person, too, Y/N.”

You roll your eyes at his stupidity, before a pang of sadness rushes through you. For a second, you wonder why, but then you remember why you’re feeling down and repeat your question for Harrison.

“No, but honestly, would you be ashamed of me?”

His blue eyes watch you intensely like it’s very important to him that you understand what he says, “Never.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

He laces your little fingers together, the ‘pinky promise’ an old ritual of yours.

“But why are you asking?” he inquires softly.

“I just- I’m just so damn tired of being his secret, you know?”

He gives you an empathic smile, letting you continue instead of answering your rhetoric question.

“I’m not even sure he likes me like as more than a friend anymore.”

You don’t mention a name, but you both know who you’re talking about. Although neither of your families know, it was clear to both of you from the start that Harrison would figure it out no matter what, and that you might as well tell him yourself.

“That bad, huh?”

You sigh, “Yeah. Not even exaggerating, I’m really not sure.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, that sucks.”

“Sure does,” you agree, laughing involuntarily at the tragic situation, and Harrison soon joins you.

Then, he says softly, “If you aren’t happy, Y/N, you should let him go. You deserve better.”

“I know,” you whisper, “But I don’t think I can.”

He takes your hand, squeezing it and interlacing your hands, and no words are needed. You know he feels bad for you, and you both know there’s nothing he can do to ease your trouble.

“I wish it was you instead. We’d make such a great couple,” you tell him, trying to lift the mood.

He nods, grinning, “Legendary.”

“Shame we don’t like each other like that, really. Our kids would be so beautiful.”

“Maybe that’s why. Would be unfair to their peers when they’d be so much uglier.”

You shake your head, smiling at the thought.

Then, on a more serious note, “Thanks for being here, Haz.”

“Anytime, Y/N.”

He squeezes your hand once more and then helps you get up.

“If it makes you feel any better, he looked terribly jealous when you hugged me,” Harrison tells you, and though it shouldn’t, you catch yourself being happy with it. At least he’s not totally indifferent.

You return to the party, Harrisons hand laying comfortingly on the swell of your back the whole time, until it’s to go home. He presses a kiss to your cheek and tells you to hit him up soon, and you thank him for being such a good friend. He truly deserves the world.

You wish you could go with him, but still, you stay, having been tricked into helping with the cleaning by Tom’s mother, and really, you’d be happy to if it didn’t involve seeing Tom.

It’s hard to even remember what made you mad when you’re near him, and if that wasn’t enough, you’re afraid that you’ll say something you’ll regret later.

Because while this might be tearing you to pieces, you know it’d be much, much worse if you lost him completely.

Although you are deep in thought, you probably shouldn’t be as startled as you are when he speaks, considering you are cleaning the same room as him.

“I got a bit cold out by the grill, so I went to see if I had a sweater in my room, and I didn’t mean to, but I heard you and Harrison,” he softly tells you, eyes scanning your face for a reaction. You try not to give him one, pursing your lips tightly together and remaining silent.

He sighs, running a hand through the curly locks of his hair.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” you mutter, looking away.

You wish this conversation wasn’t happening. You don’t even dare to imagine the outcome.

“That you feel like I’m keeping you a secret.”

You scrunch your eyes, looking at him again, “What did you think I felt, Tom? Honestly? You haven’t even told your mom, and we both know you tell your mom everything. I feel like I’m nothing to you.”

Your words are harsh at the beginning, anger in your body, but it quickly deflates and leaves you sad instead, making your last words soft and fragile.

And Tom looks taken back by your statement, stuttering when he replies, “I- I- I guess I just thought we were on the same page. That you didn’t care whether people knew about us or not.”

You roll your eyes, “If you truly believed that, you don’t know me like I thought you did.”

You let go of your hold on the black rubbish bag you’re throwing empty cups into as you wait for his answer.

“I guess you’re right,” he admits with a whisper, “I guess I did know.”

You nod, throat tight.

“Yeah,” you just say.

You stand there, looking at each other in silence, and you don’t even try to hide your tears. If there was anyone but him watching, you probably would have tried, but this is Tom, your best friend, the person that has broken your heart but also someone with hands you wouldn’t hesitate to put your life into.

He takes a small step closer to you, looking at you with desperation.

“I wish we could tell everyone, Y/N, I really do. But you know how my agency feels about my image and my availability,” he pauses, swallowing down a lump in his throat before he continues, “But if my next movie just gets big enough, it will be different, Y/N, I promise. Then they can’t refuse.”

You shake your head, your vision to blurred to see anything, but your mind is surprisingly clear. You don’t believe his words, and really, you just wish he would tell the truth, because to you, it seems that this mess has gotten so bad because of lack of honesty, and you’re done with it.

You’re done with being anxious all the time, not knowing if he’s uncertain about his feelings for you, even doubting whether you’re the only one he goes home to. You’re done with feeling inadequate and unlovable and stupid, waiting around for someone who doesn’t want to come home.

“Far from home was one of the best-selling movies ever, but apparently, that still wasn’t big enough. So, what’ll it be, Tom?”

“Are you asking me to choose between you and my career?”

You shake your head violently, not understanding how he could accuse you for doing such a thing, but then you nod, realising that maybe you are. And surprisingly, you don’t feel selfish doing so.

“Not between me and your career, Tom, but yes, I am asking you to choose between me and the stupid rules of your agency.”

Now, he looks angry, brow scrunched and tight jawline, “My agency and their stupid rules,” he starts, emphasizing the last three words mockingly, “is what gets me jobs, Y/N! They are the reason I can live my dream, don’t you understand?”

You step closer to him, not believing he would dare to treat you like a stubborn child. “Of course, I understand, Tom! I’ve done nothing but understand ever since we started this damn relationship, but I’m fucking sick and tired of it!”

Your loudness seems to surprise Tom, who takes a few steps back from your anger, almost tripping over your discarded rubbish bag.

“Please don’t do this, Y/N. Don’t make me choose,” he begs, and there’s a part of you that wants to give in, but the bigger part of you knows that nothing will change if you do, and that you’ll just stay miserable.

“I’ve known you for most of my life, Tom, and I’ve been in love with you for years, but I can’t do this, not if you’re not in it like I am. I can’t keep giving you my everything when I only receive 30% in return.”

Then, he says those words that you know will haunt you forever, “I’m- I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N, but I just can’t. Please understand, I just can’t.”

You nod, but you don’t, you don’t understand. He won’t even meet you halfway.

You look at each other, and you watch how he clearly fights to keep himself together, and you can’t stay mad at him when he looks so broken. You’re always putting him first.

“Will you- will you promise me one thing, though?” you ask, voice hoarse and broken.

He nods, eyes wet and lips pressed tight together.

When you speak, there’s a salty taste on your tongue, and it feels like goodbye, “I know there’s so many incredible things out there, and I promise I don’t expect anything else from you anymore, but at least- at least think of me while you’re gone, won’t you?”

A sob escapes his lips when he nods, but he still doesn’t say anything, so you gather your belongings in silence, walking into the hallway, Tom only a few steps behind you.

Your hand has just reached the doorknob when you realize that no matter how hurt you are, you can’t just leave him like this. So, you turn around, throw your things to the floor and hug him, relishing in the smell of his cologne and the soft material of his shirt against your cheek.

His chest is shaking with sobs, and his lips feel chapped when he kisses your forehead like he’s done so many times when you were nervous or sad, even before your friendship turned into something more.

There’s a wet spot on his shirt when you pull away, and you smile through your tears, watching him through your blurred vision.

“I’ll see you around,” you tell him, but you don’t know if you’re lying.

You pick up your things, and he looks like he wants to stop you from leaving, but he just nods and says goodbye with a broken whisper, “Yeah, I’ll see you.”

Then, you close the door behind you, your body a mess while nostalgia, sadness, despair and love fights for dominance in your body.

If you weren’t so busy being heartbroken, you might have wondered if it was worth losing your best friend in return for some months in paradise, spent kissing and making love under the covers. And you would quickly have come to the solution that it wasn’t, that if you could, you would go back and undo all this mess and settle for being his best friend.

Luckily, you don’t think any of these thoughts, not yet. That sorrow is for another day.

“Ping!”

The screen of your phone lights up along with the sound, telling you you’ve got a message. You figure it’s Jake, asking which chocolate you want or if you need more tampons. You smile at the thought, finding it funny how Jake’s biggest fear seems to be that you don’t run out of sweets and sanitary items when you’re on that time of the month. You wonder if he’s scared you’ll turn into some weird monster, but it’s probably just him being sweet.

However, the text isn’t from Jake.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

Hey. I’m home for a couple weeks and I really want to see you

You can’t believe he still has that stupid name on your phone.

You delete all the emojis and text and write his full name without any emojis to follow, but your index finger lingers over the save button. Then, you go back without changing anything.

It feels wrong to do so, like deleting a period of your life that should, at worst, be packed away in a box in your closet and not completely thrown out.

On the other hand, though, the box seems to have jumped out of the closet and into your living room instead, making its presence known where it isn’t appreciated.

Still, there’s a small part of you, the part that was Tom’s friend and nothing else, wants to meet him and see how he’s doing.

To: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

Hi Tom

You don’t want else to say, or write, so you just hit send and put the phone down again, your breath quicker and a spark of panic rising in your body. Even after all this time, he still gives you all the motions.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

Please don’t be like this

Be like what, Tom, you wonder, but you just text him the name of a coffee shop and ask him to meet you there in a few hours. If anything needs to be said between you, it should be in person and not through text.

From: The Worst Spiderman Ever 🤮🕷❤️ (barf, spider and heart emoji)

Thank you, Y/N. Really❤️ (heart emoji)

You really hope you’ve made the right decision.

“Y/N, I’ve been a fool, no, worse than that, I’ve been a big, stupid idiot, but I need you.”

His grip on your hands are tight, and you gently try to get him to let you go, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“We’ll do it properly this time, tell everyone, and we’ll go on the red carpet together and-“

“Tom,” you interrupt him softly, and you just want him to stop talking. This will get embarrassing for both of you if he keeps going, and you don’t want that.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t let you save him.

“And I’ll be home a lot more, Y/N, I promise. We can travel together, to Paris or Seoul or Rio, and I won’t care who’s watching-“

This time, your voice is a bit louder, hoping it’ll get through to him. “Tom, please, stop,” you plead. Still, it seems like he doesn’t hear you.

He leans closer to you and looks you right in the eye, “I love you, Y/N. More than anything, and I don’t know why it’s taking me so long to realize, but I do, and I’m terribly sor- Why are you crying?“

You haven’t even noticed your tears before he comments them, but then you carefully, as if he’s made of glass, untangle your hands from each other.

“I’m with someone, Tom,” you tell him, and it feels like a knife to your heart when his face slowly falters as he realizes what you mean.

“I- what- who? When?”

“You don’t know him, Tom. He’s from school.” There’s a flash of relief on his face when he finds out it isn’t someone he knows, maybe even one of his friends, but then the hurt returns.

“When, YN?”

You swallow a lump, looking down at your coffee.

“Almost a year ago,” you tell him, knowing that he won’t understand. That he’ll think that you got over in the span of a minute and moved on, but it isn’t true.

So, before he can say anything, you explain, “He was in one of my classes and had asked me out before, and when you left, I just needed to spend time with someone who didn’t know you, someone who wouldn’t ask or talk about you.”

Most of your friends were friends with Tom, too, or at least they knew him, but you needed to be someone who didn’t.

“I told him from the start that my heart was broken, but he was so patient and waited until I was sure I was ready. He really helped me a lot, Tom.”

Tom nods, and you know he understands. Everyone has different ways of coping, and for all you know, he could have slept with half of the world in this past year. You know he probably did with a couple, and the thought doesn’t make you sick like it used to do.

You’re just sad that he probably didn’t have anyone taking care of him like Jake had taken care of you.

“Does he make you happy, Y/N?”

“I-“ you start, but it’s hard to get the words past your lips when you know that they’ll hurt him.

For a long time, you wanted him to hurt, to know your pain and know that he had lost one of the best things in his life, but now, after doing a lot of growing up, you wish you could find a way not to hurt him. Maybe if you lied, but he’ll probably always be able to see through you.

Knowing you have no other choice, you answer him honestly, “Yeah. He does. He really does.”

He gulps, looking away for a moment. You follow his gaze, watch the busy streets of London packed with stylish locals and less stylish tourists, and you wonder if it still feels like home to him. If home becomes a fleeting place when the whole world is at your disposal. You wonder if you’ll ever know, but you don’t think you will.

And as for yourself, you might never get to travel the world like you used to dream of doing, but you’ve realized it doesn’t matter. You have so much else, so many wonderful people in your life, so much love around you.

“Do you love him?”

You look at his face and know that he wants you to say no, that he wants this to be like a movie where everything works out in the end, and the guy gets the girl, and everyone lives happily ever after.

But this isn’t one of his beloved movies. This is real life.

“Yeah.”

A tear slips out of his eyes, and you notice they are beginning to turn red. You don’t know if your next words will make him feel better or worse, probably the latter, but you still say them.

“Not the same way I loved you, though. Don’t think anything can really compare to that. But I really do love him.”

It’s clear he tries to contain it, but still, a broken sob leaves him, and every fibre of your body yearns to soothe him, to protect him, but you can’t, just like he couldn’t protect you.

“Do you remember that last day? You told me to think of you when I was gone. How could you think I’d do anything but?”

“Tom, please.”

“I think about you every single day, Y/N, knowing that I made the wrong decision.”

He grips your hands again, this time so tight it turns his knuckles white with desperation.

However, you both know it’s not only your hands you’re talking about when you beg, “Let me go, Tom, you’re hurting me.”

His grip on your hand disappears immediately, his face painted with both sadness and guilt, and you don’t know who’s to blame for the fact that both of you have lost your best friend.

And you wonder if the two of you can work it out, if you can get at least an inkling of your old friendship back, but to be honest, you don’t have the courage to try.

Instead, you leave him there, in a coffee shop in London you used to love. And you know you will never have the strength to go back, not to the coffee shop and not to Tom, both places too haunted by bad memories now.

278 notes · View notes

real-fakedoors · 6 years ago

Link

star-crossed just hit 1,000 kudos!

(klance / cinderella AU / fantasy & medieval elements)

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AMAZING LOVE AND SUPPORT.

like, just, wow.

I never thought this story would amass such a loving audience and im humbled everyday when i log into AO3 and see the steady uptick in kudos, comments, bookmarks all of it. I check the stats on this fic religiously and I promise if you’ve even VIEWED the fic I’ve noticed, I watch it that closely. thank you, from the very bottom of my heart; there aren’t adequate words to express my gratitude.

I wanted to at least share something to mark this milestone, so here is the working introduction to the second installment. I’m so excited to get some of my other projects finished so I can dive back into this. :)

Lance had heard his fair share of folk tales from his Mamá, about people who rise above the station of their birth, about triumphing against bitter odds, about falling in love and living happily ever after. He remembered a lot of awfully convenient montages, glossing over the finer details of consequences. What happened to the villains? Did they get thrown in jail? Executed? Or what about the hero’s best friend, ex-lover, family—do they miss the hero once they go on to live their big, exciting lives, or is it always a happily ever after?

Maybe those are just the stories people like to tell. The stories people like to remember, where everyone is happy and the bad things only happen to bad people.

Most of the tales Lance knew didn’t tell him what happened when people are stuck living in the poverty they were born into, no matter how hard they try to get out of it; or what happens when the odds are not in the hero’s favor; or how love is so painfully unconditional, and impossible to explain, and that it could kill you much faster than any magical weapon or poisoned apple if you let it.

He was staring at the pages of an old tome, thick but well-maintained, the pages all in decent shape. It had been pulled from the archives by Sir Coran before he and the others returned to Altea, and Lance had found himself zoning out on the image of a pretty blonde human in the arms of her pretty human Prince Charming.

A weird thought occurred to him: would stories be written about Keith, like this one? It was easy to forget that Keith was indeed a figure of legends, would be memorialized like all the Princes and Queens and rulers that came before him.

Would people make up harrowing things to say about them?

Lance almost laughed out loud before turning the page. “Pfft. No.”

Because, first of all, Prince Charming? Out of the long list of words Lance would use to describe his fiancé, charming was not really one of them. Irritable, thoughtful, and just mullet, to name a few.

and, a few other small things to share in celebration, I’ve included two scenes beneath the cut

deleted scene from epilogue pt. 2 untitled dream sequence from the second installment

deleted scene from epilogue, pt. 2 conversation between paladins, Allura and Coran keith POV

[Allura continued.] “I want to give you the best answer available, I need to have all the information surrounding this whole mess first. For that to happen…” she sighed, a sound of abrupt sadness slipping through a clearly, if not expertly, worn façade. “I need to ask you all a favor, but once again, unfairly, much of the burden for this falls to Lance. It is of paramount importance that you tell me exactly what transpired between you and Lotor, starting from the first night he approached you.”

The tan-skinned teenager blinked a few times, and Keith thought he looked paler than when he and Shiro first arrived. Gently, he gave Lance’s hand a little squeeze. “Oh. Umm. I mean, I can, I just -- what do you need to know?”

Fingers steepled in front of her nose, the Princess sighed. “As much as you feel you’re comfortable sharing, I suppose, but I would say the more the better. I just don’t know enough of what the Galra have planned, or if this is connected to Zarkon, Lotor, the witch -- none of them, all of them?” she sounded unusually frustrated, a fist coming down on the table. The mouses scurried towards different paladins, leaving the two Alteans to stare at each other. Keith didn’t mind the mouse, but he did glower at Allura -- she didn’t mean anything by it, he knew, but perhaps the nonverbal warning would be enough to have her compose herself. No need to project her anger towards Keith’s fiancé.

“I — I mean, I can try, some of the stuff Lotor said was really…” he paused to bite his lip, and Keith felt a strange twist in his stomach when Lance’s eyes darted anxiously towards him. “It was sort of… personal. I was kind of trying to forget about it, to be honest. Thinking about it makes me… I don’t know, I can tell you if you think it’s important, but it might...make you mad?”

By the end, Lance wasn’t talking to Allura anymore, and Keith’s hand was moving before he could really think about it.

“Hey, stop that,” the Prince said, brushing his thumb over the abused skin of Lance’s bottom lip so he might stop with the self-harming habit. “Don’t bottle things up for my benefit. If you have something you want to say, say it. I can’t promise I won’t get mad, but I can promise I’ll get over it.”

Shiro barely concealed his snort with a cough. “Wow, Keith, that might be the most mature thing you’ve ever said.”

Keith attempted to kick Shiro under the table. “Fuck you, old man.”

That made Lance laugh, and while Pidge made a point to do a loud gagging demonstration, it did little to distract from the simple pleasure Keith felt at being responsible for eliciting such a pretty sound from his fiancé.

Lance’s shoulders were still visibly tense, but he didn’t look quite as uneasy about the subject when he met Allura’s steely, blue-soulfire gaze. “Okay. I guess, what, start from the third night of the ball? That’s when I really interacted with Lotor. A little on the second night, but he was mostly just being a dick.”

Nodding, the Princess gestured for Coran to take a seat beside her. A writing utensil and fresh piece of parchment seemed to materialize in the advisors’ hand.

“Queen Krolia has managed to supply some basic information on what happened when you and Lotor spoke privately in the infirmary, but due to the nature of your healing, the resources expended on gathering testimony, and all the other din of these past few quintant, it doesn’t appear you’ve given any sort of statement about what you and Lotor talked about -- the night of the peace summit, and then explicitly what was discussed that night in the infirmary. I know this is asking a lot, but it’s important that we’re all on the same page if we’re to try to fight whatever this is.”

“I — well — I guess I just hadn’t thought about, like, talking to anyone about it, like in a reporting-way.” He looked thoughtful for a moment before choosing a place to begin. “The night of the peace accord thing, he said I had to dance with him, or he was going to tell the realm that I was in a relationship with Keith. In retrospect, it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but he had… framed it… in a sort of shitty way.”

“Meaning?”

Lance swallowed, his hold on Keith’s hand slipping away as his complexion took on a rosy tint. “Uhh… well, he said, um… like, it was insulting to me to, ya know, sleep with Keith. He said I could do a lot better… and obviously implied that he was the better option. Like, it would have been a big scandal or something for both Keith and you, since, like, both of you were still supposed to be getting married at the time? That’s about when Coran showed up. Oh, and er, he also saiiiiiid…” his voice turned sing-songy, face even redder. “That I was special, and uh, that he would find a way to ��make me his,’ basically no matter what. He said ‘Keith is your price’, which like, I don’t know if I’m super okay with the idea of talking about myself in those terms, but… I didn’t really have a good comeback that wouldn’t put both your reputations in jeopardy, so I just didn’t answer.”

From the side of the table, Hunk looked like he wanted to reach over and scoop Lance up like a baby. “Buddy...”

Lance cleared his throat, staring at Coran’s hand as it flew over the page, not meeting anyone’s eye. “I’m fine, Hunk. The next time I saw him was after everything, I was in that private room Sir Adam let me use. I woke up, and I was just like, bam, on the ground. It was sort of dizzying and I hadn’t been sleeping super well so I guess, I just didn’t know how to react at first. He told me back talk wasn’t —” A pause, and Lance pursed his lips. “He told me not to talk and to just listen. So, ya know, I wasn’t in a position to fight him, so I did as he said. I mean, my back was exposed and he basically was standing on me so I didn’t have a choice.”

Lance sat up, back arching a bit as he ran his hands through his hair. Keith noticed his fingers were shaking when he pulled them back down and into his lap again. Silently, the Prince was simmering beneath the surface, his blood hot and roaring in his ears. The edge of his vision had tinted red.

“And then there was a lot of the same stuff again. He was super fixated on the fact that I was with Keith. I don’t know, I feel like he jumped around a lot, because after that there was this big monologue about how the realm was about to go to war. And that no matter what happened, as long as... I was alive, there would be a war… unless I became one of his ‘consorts.’ I know, it was really fucked up.” Lance added the last sentence quickly, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Um. He went through this whole list, pretty much. He said Daibaazal would absorb Olkarion, and then Altea would be next or something. And that his dad is on some super fucked up power trip, feeling like he’s not important anymore with Marmora and Altea around. And that the guy who had the bomb, he asked me if I saw him -- I did. He looked… Olkari, but Lotor seemed like he expected that? Like, he said it was probably an Altean shape-shifted as an Olkari. Um… what else… oh, yeah. Um. He gave me an ultimatum, and said if I didn’t go along with him, my choices were:” Lance began ticking them off on his fingers, one by one. “Let Zarkon kill me, like, I think he said make an example or maybe a martyr of me or something; make a statement that I was the one who set off the bomb so I might not get literally murdered by his Dad, instead, I would, hah --” he let out a humorless chuckle -- “I could just fucking hang for it instead. How messed up is that? Or I could let the realm go to war if I stayed in Marmora. Or, lastly, I could agree to be his -- his personal bitch, basically. I don’t know what goes into being a consort but I have an idea, and I -- yeah. I didn’t have much of a choice, though I told him to fuck off and that I’d rather let Zarkon kill me with his bare hands than spend another second with him.”

Keith had never in his life tried so hard to control the devastatingly violent impulse of his Galra heritage, but his gums tingled with the insistent pressure of fangs pushing against his mouth. Even the skin of his fingers felt strange, like he could so easily just let go of his control and the tips could sharpen into claws in seconds if he let them.

Breaking Lotor’s wrist now felt pathetically underwhelming. He should have just killed him. The realm would have been better for it.

“Anyway... Lotor wasn’t super happy about that, I know, shocker. And he basically said he would buy my family, you know, since we’re all fucking slaves or whatever, if I didn’t do what he said. I didn’t -- I didn’t know what to do. I want to say I would never agree to that but just, f-fuck, I’m sorry.” Lance’s voice cracked at the end, the sound of tears edging into his tone. His arms, already folded over his chest, tightened. “So, yeah. That’s when the Queen showed up.”

“Stars above, I’m so… sorry. I had no idea it was that severe.” Allura sounded disturbed, and both Hunk and Pidge were exchanging nervous glances with each other. Keith couldn’t see Shiro, seeing as he was turned to face Lance, who was staring down at the box on the table in front of him with a clenched jaw and dry eyes.

“I’m okay,” Lance said for the second time, and some of the immediate emotion had drained from his voice. “Keith’s mom showed up before I had to agree to anything. That’s all that happened with Lotor, though. The only other thing was the vision-dream thing I had with Blue… I told you guys about that while Keith was getting his stitches, right?”

Various people nodded, and Keith vaguely remembered hearing Lance’s voice, too-loud to be speaking to people nearby but that was just how Lance was, somewhere off to his side. He made a mental note to ask him to re-explain the details to that later.

“...So, yeah. That’s all I can really remember. I don’t remember Lotor mentioning anything about Oriande or any of this stuff.”

“Yes, well,” the Princess laid out both her hands on the table, and as if a silent call, all four mice returned to her in a sudden rush of paws and squeaks. “I’m not sure of anything at this point, but I am near certain that this is the witch’s doing at minimum. Whether it is Zarkon or Lotor who she is aiding, we will still have to consider all of this information. The fact that Lotor seemed to find it unacceptable that you die, so much so that he was willing to blackmail you, leads me to believe he might be more invested in this than I had previously thought. It could have been his pathetic attempt at courtship, but I’m not sure. Whatever it is, the reality is the same: something is happening to the realm, and if more corruption like that we saw earlier from that Beast spread, I fear the whole realm may be in danger. For now, we will have to continue to gather information, try to understand what exactly they’re planning.”

unpublished from part 2:

untitled dream sequence

lance POV

His legs weren’t working properly.

Lance felt them buckling, like his torso and arms and head and heart were weighed down by the entire universe. Why? Why couldn’t he use his legs? He wasn’t even standing, so the fact that his dumb legs weren’t working seemed especially frustrating to him. Laying on his stomach, Lance pushed himself up to a sit-up, the bottom half of his body utterly useless at the moment. Ugh.

Someone was calling his name, but the voice was warbled and hard to place, like he’d been trapped beneath the ice of a lake and there was someone pounding on the other side, trying to find him.

Craning his neck, it was with a small start that he realized he knew this place, dark and infinite and magnificent in every direction, but he couldn’t move. What was it called? Why couldn’t he remember? Blue told him about it...

“Blue? Blue, are you here?” He turned, annoyed by his lack of motion, but blinked in surprise at the sight of something much, much bigger than the little kitten he was expecting.

Lance’s mouth dropped open, but no sound came out.

It was the single most beautiful, overwhelming things he’d ever seen.

About fifteen paces away, a massive tree sprouted from the ground, crowded by iridescent leaves. There was no breeze that he could feel on his face or brushing through his hair, but the leaves danced and shimmered anyway. A million colors, reds and blues and greens and whites and yellows -- and every color in between, peach and cream and mahogany and turquoise and blush and lavender -- colors that he didn’t even have names for, was pretty sure weren’t even on the real spectrum of light, all glittering crystal-bright in the dark expanse of the empty space around him. In every direction, the ground was the black surface of an endless ocean, rippling when Lance moved but otherwise flawlessly reflective. It sent back an inversion of the same sight, an overwhelming sense of purity, of flawlessness, of flowing sublimity with the roots at the center.

Lance couldn’t breathe, awestruck.

What was it? Why was it here?

Oh, gods. Lance used to believe people had always been dramatic when they heard a song or saw a painting so beautiful that they were brought to tears, but this was his comeuppance for that attitude, evidently. His cheeks were wet, and the corners of his eyes were pulsing light blue.

This was definitely some sort of… something otherworldly. Magical.

Shit. Shit, shit, uhhh, fuck, this was probably important, wasn’t it? Was this some sort of dream-vision thing? In his stream of consciousness, dream-Lance tried to will himself to summon a dream-roll-of-parchment and a dream-inkpot, but all that amounted to was making him strangely dizzy.

After attempting to summon things, and dealing with the subsequent disappointment, Lance hauled himself up as best as he could with his hands, sort of like a mix between a push-up and an army crawl.

Chewing his lip, Lance eyed the immaculate branches, overlapping but never touching, a faultless flow of leaves brushing back in forth, almost lazily. It was a sort of breathtaking, heart-stopping, gun-wrenching sort of beauty.

Blinding, almost.

#klance #klance fanfic #star-crossed #AO3 fanfic #keith x lance #keith kogane #lance mcclain #vld fanfic

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missjackil · 6 years ago

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14x12 & 14x13

During my re-watch of S14 and sobbing once again through the Brofest Trifecta, I no longer think the decision to end the show next season was made spur of the moment. Im convinced the decision was made a while ago, possibly at the same time they decided to do shorter seasons. Maybe even as far back as before S13, and that's why there was so much push for a spin-off, that ended up being very poorly written. Im not entirely sure, but at least Im confident that there was no drastic recent event that made them want to close up shop. I think they wanted to get to the 300 milestone, and why not take it through the 15 season milestone too, then hang up the flannels.

They had a lot to celebrate over the past couple seasons, the spin-off (yuck) Scoobynatural, the honor of being given The Supernatural Studios, the 300th Episode, JDM coming back and early sign on for S15, I'm sure no one wanted to bum anyone out with announcing an ending, and take the spotlight from the other things, but now as I rewatched this season, (and even some of last) I can see a set up, most specifically in the episodes Prophet and Loss, and Lebanon.

In s13, they decided to bring back Michael. That doesn't necessarily mean they’d already scheduled an end, but I think they pulled that arc off the shelf for when an end was in sight. Because seriously, as much as I may hear you all moan and groan about how the Michael Lucifer thing is so old and boring, its THE biggest storyline in the whole series, and never should have been shelved. I mean Sam and Dean being the literal vessels of the 2 biggest Archangels is HUGE. It doesnt have to be the main story all the time, but they should never let the viewers forget, and that arc should get a proper closure, which it hasnt yet.

Now this season has been setting us up for where we are now. (as any season would) but early on, there were hints to an end in sight. Small ones though, just enough to send a little chill up my spine, that yes, the show will eventually end. like in Mint Condition, Dean suggesting next Halloween they dress like Thelma and Louise and get in the car and just go. We all flash back to how Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff. Meanwhile throughout the season, we see Sam slowly unravelling. Dean began unravelling last season, and now the brothers are coming undone. Which brings me to the two episodes that I believe were setting us up for the later anouncement.

Prophet and Loss was not only the most emotional scene we’ve seen from Sam since S8, and probably even more emotional than that, and Jared has to deliver his most emotional scene to date. As most of us know, Jared had an emotional reaction to the scene that made him not be able to say the words and fit them with the actions. It affected him so strongly that Jensen thought he may be having a stroke, because as long as he’s known Jared, and everything he’s been through, he’s never seen him unable to do the job, and at that moment, he couldnt do it. Jared said its the only time in his whole career he ever went home and cried, feeling like he disappointed everyone. That made me so sad when I heard it, and wanted him to know he didnt disapooint anyone, he did an AMAZING job!

Now, after the annoucement of the end, that scene takes on a whole new meaning. I think (and I stress that its a thought, and Im not assuming I know how Jared thinks) that if Jared knew the show was ending, saying those lines would be hard as hell. Saying them and knowing we didnt know yet, could be very upsetting. Perhaps he wondered in his own heart that they made the wrong decision (as anyone put in their position would wonder at least 1000 times) and yelling at Dean about quitting, felt too much like yelling at Jensen? “We’re the guys that save the world, we dont just check out of it!” Go watch that scene again, and try to imagine Jared saying it with what we know now.

Maybe he even thought of it from the POV of the fans? That maybe thats how many of us would feel once we heard? Could it be even that maybe when he got home, he cried worried he would disappoint us all with their pending news, and the lines in that scene were just too close to home?

Even after the, now iconic, punch/hug “Why dont you believe in us too” Dean’s response was ironic too, almost like they dont need to tell us at all, but respectfully they will, and when the time comes, we do then what we cant do now, put them in the box and let them go. (watch where you step... my heart is laying around here somewhere)

This brings us to Lebanon. Such a tearfest in itself. My favorite episode yet! But if they all knew the end was in the cards, this episode also takes on new meaning. I dont think it was any accident that they chose to not show a live episode the weerk after the announcement, but to re-air Lebanon instead. It was as though they re-aired it so we could collectively see it in another way, and mourn together a little.

It’s no secret that JDM loves J2 and vise versa, J2 have said a million times theyd love to have him back, and he has said he’d love that too and how proud he is of them, and will always consider them “his boy. Him coming back was alone a sign the end was coming. How badly we, as well as Jared wanted so bad for Sam to have closure with his father. and we were given a heart wrenching and tearful scene between Sam and John. Both confronted each other with their issues, chose not to dwell on it, acknowledge they each hurt the other, and theyre sorry.

Sam said the argument they had was a lifetime ago, it may have taken half that lifetime for Sam to believe and understand, even though he did some messed up things, that yes, Dad loved him. And now, theres closure.

We soon go then to, what I now believe was a message to us, that the time to part is coming soon. Everyone sad and speechless at the table, and John says “Now as I see it, we have 2 choices, we can either dwell on whats coming, or be grateful for this time we have together. And me, I choose graqteful. So to whatever power brought us together....we owe you one” then each give an individual “amen” That killed me then, and now it kills me in a new way, and its always going to stick in my head now as a message to us fans.

We move on now to John’s farewell. J2 have said they didnt need to fake any emotions, the emotions where all really there. I now see not just John, but JDM telling J2 “I am so proud of you boys” hugging them both “I love you both so much” Jared so emotional he cant talk, and Jensen mustering enough strength for the both of them to say “I love you too” (I think I heard my heart shattering in a corner somewhere) I will never get over that episode in this lifetime... ever.

After these episodes, we got a break (mercifully) then we got 3 episodes before we got the announcement. In those episodes, we have Cas explaining to Jack that even though Sam and Dean are wonderful, amazing, and special human beings, they are humans and humans shine for just a short time. Someday Sam and Dean will die, and it will hurt, but that pain will remind us of how much we love them. And Jack thinks like me... “That sounds.... awful”... those words are not a comfort Cas.... nice try though 💔😭

We also have Sam still unravelling, he got a dose of phony happiness, (as did Dean in Nihlism ... as neither place of happiness included each other) yet, it was each other who pulled them out. Sam pulled Dean out of his dream world, the mention of Dean pulled Sam out. Sam knows he wont be happy without Dean, so he presses on. We still have 4 episodes left of this season. Lucifer is on his way back. AU Michael might be dead, but cage Michael has been mentioned a lot the past few seasons so I think we’re gonna get some kind of real showdown to put that arc to rest.

So now I will always see Prophet and Loss and Lebanon in a new way... a painful way, but Ill throw in an honorary mention of some irony in Damaged Goods.... regarding the from behind, sneak attack hug, “If it feels like something is up, it probably is” and regarding Sam’s anger when Dean told him his plan, it would have really been messed up and wrong if they didnt tell us, they knew this, so they did.... they didnt have to.

#supernatural #14x12 #14x13 #their love note to us and for us #i miss them already #sam and dean forever

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flakandforay · 6 years ago

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Melon Music Awards (MMA) 2018 Theory

so this is another milestone for our boys in which at the 2018 MMA, they won a total of 7 awards with 2 of them being the daesangs, I'm so proud of them. but yet, with another award show, it shows subtle comeback hints for their next era, so what is in store for us this time round?

warning(s): spoilers of Harry Potter, mentions of death, suicide, abuses, violence etc; please read with care

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⇝ theory masterlist

theory: see, there was already some things on twitter in which they mentioned that bangtan would be having an 18mins worth of time for their performances inclusive of vcrs, and that means quite a lot of content for them to showcase hints for their next comeback.

so, based on here ( which is the full MMA performance inclusive of VCRs), you could see that they started out with the sort of same feeling for their mnet comeback stage of fake love in their comeback show here

look at the similarities, the whole idea being in that same place with the cloaks and the masks.

comeback show

fake love (extended version)

mma

but here’s where they merged more together with the fake love extended version as well, in which all of the 7 members have their own cloaks and masks.( read the fake love teaser 1 theory, fake love theory here, fake love extended theory here )

yet, you would see that bangtan did their own solo dances, having their solo performances/time etc, to reveal them in their ‘own worlds’ as what this segment for bangtan’s performance at MMA was introduced.

and it matches exactly of E’s concept, the idea of being trapped in their own worlds, possibly without the masks etc.

moreover, the vcr from the MMA showed that they zoomed it out from a keyhole, and who do we notice was also zoomed out from a keyhole?

either Hoseok or Jungkook, ironically our two main characters for the first part of the love yourself seres, in which Jungkook does the intro of Euphoria and Hoseok with his trivia 起: just dance.

notice also that there is some sort of relationship between them in the HYYH: the Notes, O version, here as well.

Jungkook 30 September YEAR 20

“Yet, when I opened the door, I could only see Hoseok Hyung. He was cleaning the things we left behind in the classroom. I held the door handle and just stood there. Hyung came over and put his arm around my shoulders. He then led me outside. “Now, let’s go.” He closed the door of the classroom behind us. Now I realized. Those days were gone and they would never return.”

okay but moving on, if you go back to the start of bangan’s performance, it goes with ‘Who are you?’.

now I'm thinking here that after you find out how to love yourself, you start to know yourself and then possibly speak for yourself, as to what Namjoon preaches during his speech at the UN General Assembly, i mean that’s what Namjoon sort of did during the billboard music awards, ‘love myself, love yourself’ and that became the next era.

im assuming, it’s going to be the same here as well.

see, bighit recently decided to revisit some of the old HYYH pt.2 concept photos posted on instagram and changing the hashtags to be more fitting with what there is to come. many armys speculated on this ( here )

thing is, there used to be hashtags already existing for these photos, but i have a feeling they added more.

since if you look at the concept photos, it would be #no regrets, #neverland, #dream etc but now you have #Awake ( ironically Seokjin’s first solo ), #PLAY, #Psique, #togetherforever.

“Who are you” if in the acronym form is WAY, just like what they did in the hashtag. #WAYToYou, possible Who Are You to You?

of course, they would have changed Seokjin’s hashtags for the concept photos because so far he is the leading character however, interestingly, they changed Yoongi’s concept photo as well.

there could be two reasons for this, possibly that they would eventually change the hashtags of all the boys or there could be a shift in the role of who’s going to be the main character for the next era.

going back to the HYYH translations, i dont really see much linkages between Yoongi and Seokjin as much.

the hashtag #togetherforever would probably prove that possibly all the boys died ( read prologue theory ), and going into purgatory or maybe just Seokjin surviving etc and the boys are in his memory etc, or no matter what Seokjin does, someone would die, but initially, the boys would be together.

possibly a reincarnation of the boys’ deaths hence they’re together forever.

also, the fact that there was this whole vcr of the memories of the boys since the prologue, to include i need u, euphoria, highlight reels, etc, the whole story line actually, these glimpses of the memories of the boys, perhaps in different lives or at different times, shows that they are together forever, at the young age of youth they are in, possibly in a dream.

now, moving forward, see the vcr pans out to this mirror in which it shows these weird sentences but you could hear the audio playing in the background to find out what it really means.

you read it from the bottom, backwards.

“I show not only your true side but also your fake side.”

this mirror reminds us of the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter, in which the words are read backwards. many armys speculated this as well on twitter ( here and here )

The Mirror of Erised is a very old device. Nobody knows who created it, or how it came to be at Hogwarts School. A succession of teachers have brought back interesting artefacts from their travels, so it might have arrived at the castle in this casual manner, either because the teacher knew how it worked and was intrigued by it, or because they did not understand it and wished to ask their colleagues’ opinions.

The Mirror of Erised is one of those magical artefacts that seems to have been created in a spirit of fun (whether innocent or malevolent is a matter of opinion), because while it is much more revealing than a normal mirror, it is interesting rather than useful. Only after Professor Dumbledore makes key modifications to the mirror (which has been languishing in the Room of Requirement for a century or so before he brings it out and puts it to work) does it become a superb hiding place, and the final test for the impure of heart.

The mirror’s inscription (‘erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi’) must be read backwards to show its true purpose.

“I show not your face but your true desire”

Reference

Harry Potter was known to have been an orphan as a child, not because his parents left him or anything, but because they were killed and he survived but attained the lightning scar that’s on his forehead.

if you follow the whole series of Harry Potter, either through the books or movies, you would have known that Harry Potter longed to be with his parents, the people he loves, Dumbledore even. that was what Harry truly desired.

Albus Dumbledore’s words of caution to Harry when discussing the Mirror of Erised express my own views. The advice to ‘hold on to your dreams’ is all well and good, but there comes a point when holding on to your dreams becomes unhelpful and even unhealthy. Dumbledore knows that life can pass you by while you are clinging on to a wish that can never be – or ought never to be – fulfilled. Harry’s deepest yearning is for something impossible: the return of his parents. Desperately sad though it is that he has been deprived of his family, Dumbledore knows that to sit gazing on a vision of what he can never have, will only damage Harry. The mirror is bewitching and tantalising, but it does not necessarily bring happiness.

Reference

here, Rowling’s thoughts were put forth and it said that basically, your true desires are the ones that could hurt you the most, causing far more damage as such.

if i relate it back to of the boys, if going by the harry potter’s version of the mirror, their deepest desires are the ones that’s going to get them hurt, hence the whole concept of Temptation during the Wings era, wanting something that it hurts so bad. ( inspired by Demian by Hermann Hesse )

however, if we go by bangtan’s version of the mirror, it’s the sense that they changed themselves to please others to the point that they do not know who they are anymore, hence fake love, singularity, the truth untold etc.

Singularity

내 목소릴 널 위해 묻었잖아

My voice was buried for you

잠시 들어간 꿈 속에도 나를 괴롭히는 환상통은 여전해

Even in my momentary dreams The illusions that torture me are still the same

나는 날 잃은 걸까 아니 널 얻은 걸까

Did I lose myself? Or did I gain you?

Tell me 이 고통조차 가짜라면 그때 내가 무얼 해야 했는지

Tell me, if this pain is fake Then what must I do?

this is the beginning of it

Fake Love

널 위해서라면 난 슬퍼도 기쁜 척 할 수가 있었어 널 위해서라면 난 아파도 강한 척 할 수가 있었어 사랑이 사랑만으로 완벽하길 내 모든 약점들은 다 숨겨지길 이뤄지지 않는 꿈속에서 피울 수 없는 꽃을 키웠어

If it’s for you I can act like I’m happy even when I’m sad If it’s for you I can act strong even when it hurts Hoping love will be perfected with only love Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden In this dream that won’t ever come true I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed

I’m so sick of this Fake love, fake love, fake love I’m so sorry but it’s Fake love, fake love, fake love

전부 바꿨어 Just for you Now I dunno me Who are you?

I changed everything just for you Now I dunno me Who are you?

나도 내가 누구였는지도 잘 모르게 됐어 거울에다 지껄여봐 너는 대체 누구니

Now I don’t even know who I used to be So I ask the mirror, who are you?

Love you so bad, love you so bad 널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어내 Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad 날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해

Love you so bad, love you so bad For you, I’m enacting a pretty lie Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad I’m erasing myself to become your doll

나를 봐 나조차도 버린 나 너조차 이해할 수 없는 나

Look at me, I threw myself away Not even you can understand me

낯설다 하네 니가 좋아하던 나로 변한 내가 아니라 하네 예전에 니가 잘 알고 있던 내가 아니긴 뭐가 아냐 난 눈 멀었어 사랑은 뭐가 사랑 It’s all fake love

You say I’m strange when I changed into the person you liked You say I’m not the person you used to know What do you mean? No, I’ve grown blind What do you mean this is love, it’s all fake love

Woo 나도 날 나도 날 모르겠어

Woo, I don’t even know myself

this is the climax

The Truth Untold

초라한 모습 보여줄 순 없어 또 가면을 쓰고 널 만나러 가

I can’t show you my weakness So I’m putting on a mask to go see you

바보 같은 가면을 벗고서

As I take off this stupid mask

또 가면을 쓰고 널 만나러 가

So I’m putting on a mask to go see you

난 울고 있어 사라진 무너진 홀로 남겨진 이 모래성에서 부서진 가면을 바라보면서 And I still want you

I’m crying At this sandcastle That’s disappearing And breaking down As I look at this broken mask And I still want you

this facade, this whole song tells the story of Smeraldo through and through

Reference: Colour Coded © ( here, here and here )

even looking at the lyrics of those songs would show ideas of how much they have changed for someone, their lies piling up.

coincidentally, these songs are the first 3 of the album as well.

so, just like the mirror in the MMA stage VCR, im guessing they picked it out from this. so going by the spinoff of bangtan, instead of the mirror showing their not just their fake side/facade, but it also shows their true side.

i am assuming the mirror is going to reflect the full truth, seeing through all the lies or walls/barricades that the boys built to protect themselves in this world. to show their inner demons as well and flaws.

hence, possibly a reenactment of the smeraldo flower “the truth untold” but with the mirror, would now be told/revealed.

[Photo Source] Bighit Entertainment Credits: maxine ☕️ DO NOT REPOST ©

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talknerdytome67-blog · 6 years ago

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Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

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legndur-a · 8 years ago

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help a sister out ??

#mobile.#been debating this for awhile #it's sad because im close to a milestone? ? but at the same time im not comfortable with all these personals following #as well as inactives #...and archives #just everything here feels messy and makes me not want to be here #and no way am i giving up on link. i love him and i love you guys <3 #just looking for change!#( and organization )#so please vote because im too indecisive to be true #as for threads? for the most part they won't be dropped everything will be carried over c:#if you have any questions hmu !!

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smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 6 years ago

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tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

#jazzessments

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fthisimkmsing · 5 years ago

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My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"

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samuelfields · 6 years ago

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Reflecting On Being A Stay At Home Dad For Two Years: Eight Takeaways

I still remember the day my son was born like it was yesterday. After only about an hour of labor he joined us in this world at 11:58 pm. It was the greatest moment of both our lives.

From that time forward, we pledged to care for him as best we could. In a big way, all the years of saving and investing were to prepare for this moment that we could both be stay at home parents.

As first-time parents, we didn’t know what to expect. So we figured having both of us care for our boy would be the optimal way to go.

Here’s my personal reflection as a stay at home dad for the past two years. I’ve sent this post to his e-mail account for him to read when he’s a little bit older.

Reflecting On Being A Stay At Home Dad For Two Years

1) Losing income is hard, but losing time is harder. Due to being a stay at home dad for two years, I’ve lost out on between $400,000 – $1,000,000 in income. With 18-20 years of experience in finance and online media, getting a $200,000 – $250,000 a year job + restricted stock units is very possible in the SF Bay Area. If I were to go back to banking, my base salary would be $250,000 a year + bonuses equal to 0% – 200% of base salary.

Although losing out on so much income is hard given we now have more expenses taking care of our son, I wouldn’t miss out on the first two years of my son’s life for any amount of money.

You could give me a billion dollars, and if I had to be away from home for 14 hours a day to make that money, I would decline. I’ve spent time with billionaires before, and they are just like you and me, except they fly private everywhere.

Over the past two years, I have witnessed his every milestone: his first smile, his first rollover, his first crawl, his first steps, his first words, and so many more. Each milestone witnessed felt like a blessing. I hope due to all the time both of us have spent with him, we will have an even stronger bond as he grows up.

I’ve gotten to know a couple of nannies over the two years and they have told me how they won’t tell the parents about new milestones so that the parents can think they are first time witnesses.

I knew I could always make more money but I could never create more time with our son.

Related: Career Or Family? You Only Have To “Sacrifice” At Most 5 Years

2) Hardest job in the world without a doubt. For all the stay at home parents out there, I salute you! And for all the single parents out there, you have my deepest admiration.

Working 14 hours a day in banking where there’s constant pressure to produce is a walk in the park in comparison to full-time fatherhood.

With full-time fatherhood, you are on 24/7 due to risk of injury or death by the child. The first year of life is the most fragile, which is why you’re always on high alert for choking, suffocation, tumbles, running into a corner, and so forth.

I kept reading stories about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), which were all so incredibly heartbreaking. For the first year, this paranoia wouldn’t let me sleep uninterrupted for more than 3-4 hours. Back is best and get rid of all the blankets and pillows in the crib please.

Once your child starts to verbalize his or her desires, it’s all about repetition. My son loves garage doors and will say the words “garage door,” “double-wide garage door,” “quadruple wide brown garage door” etc over and over again. He’ll then open and close garage door toys a hundred times in a row. I’ve got to repeat the words and open and close the doors with him. Otherwise, he knows I’m not paying attention.

I’ve also heard whines, screams, and crying 3 – 6X a day for 730+ days in a row. In the beginning, this was quite a shock to the system because we never had any of this since my wife and I started shacking up in 2001. Our boy is a top 1% chatterbox and super determined individual. If he can’t do something or doesn’t get what he wants, he definitely makes himself heard or felt!

Over time, things are getting better as he’s able to verbally communicate his needs and desires. He’s no longer as frustrated because he can tell us he’s tired, thirsty, hungry, sad, and so forth.

And here’s the kicker. My wife did around 70% of the care-taking largely due to nursing needs, and I still felt being a stay at home dad was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. One must develop incredible patience and endurance to survive.

3) Have children and the money will come. Although both my wife and I gave up healthy salaries to raise our boy full-time, we were somehow able to make more money each year after he was born.

When you have a child, your mind and body go into overdrive to try and provide as much care and support as possible. As a result, you gain even more energy to find ways to financially support your family.

In my case, instead of waking up between 5:30 am – 6:15 am to start the day and work on Financial Samurai, I began waking between 3:30 am – 4:30 am to try and get more done before our son would wake up between 7 am – 8 am.

I did not quit because I knew I could not. My family depended on me.

If he has had a particularly poor sleeping night, I would try and take over for a couple hours to allow for my wife to sleep in or decompress. I’d also try to nap as many times as possible during his mid-day nap so that I too could recharge for the afternoon and evening sessions.

After our boy went to bed, usually between 7:30pm-9pm, it was often Netflix, catching up on work stuff I’d postponed during the day, and preparing myself for the next day.

Once he turned 24 months old, our son now has the ability to go from 6:30am – 7:30pm non-stop with no naps several days a week.

Just the other day I took him on a 1 hour 20 minute walk in the morning around our hilly neighborhood. I would have bet anything he’d take a two hour nap after lunch. But he just kept right on going until 8pm!

Overall, we are talking about 4:00am – 10pm days on average with a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day.

As the saying goes, “the days are long and the years are short.”

4) Easy to gain weight and get sick. When all you’re doing is caring for your baby at home, it’s extremely easy to gain weight. I went from around 168 lbs to 173 lbs, even though I was consciously trying not to overeat.

But after about the 18th month, I started losing weight and am back down to about 166 – 169 lbs. The main reason why is because I’ve started to take my boy on almost daily walks. I also went back to playing tennis three days a week.

For men who are looking to have a baby and stay at home, I suggest trying to lose 5 – 10 lbs before your baby is born. That way, you’ll have a 5 – 10 lbs buffer for the inevitability.

Another downer is the increased frequency of getting sick after the first year. Our boy got his first cold at 12 months old. Then he started getting sick about once a quarter as we interacted more with the public.

His sickness spread to us, and we found ourselves frequently battling colds as well. Luckily, neither my wife or have have been sick at the same time.

Ideal healthy weight chart for men

5) Nannies aren’t paying close enough attention. I’m really sad to report this but after spending over 150 sessions in a public setting (park, museum, playground, etc), the vast majority of nannies (90%+) are on their phones the entire time they are supposed to be watching over your child.

Every time I play chase with my boy, there will inevitably be 2-3 kids who will play along because their nannies are not playing with them. I’ve seen countless falls by 11-16-month-olds just learning to walk because their nannies are not paying attention.

I often wonder whether one of the reasons for slow speech development is because the nanny simple does not spend enough time speaking to their child or describing things to the child as they happen. We parents should be verbally describing everything our children are doing and seeing to help them learn. But with nannies, what I’ve observed is largely silence.

If you are having difficulty deciding whether to return to work or staying home to take care of your child, I recommend you chose to stay home if your can afford to. Nobody will care more about your child than you. It’s not even close.

Many of us are addicted to our mobile phones. The nannies I’ve seen take it to the next level. It’s like they’re getting paid for being on the phone!

If you go the nanny route, I would explicitly tell them to stay off their phones during play time. Whether they do so or not is up to them. But at least you’ve voiced your desires and there’s a greater chance your nanny will follow your instructions.

It is completely sad and a wee bit alarming to have a little one come up to me, a stranger, and ask me to play with them because they are being completely ignored.

6) There was no discrimination. You sometimes hear stories about moms excluding dads from conversations or moms whispering mean words about dads being stay at home parents.

Out of all my outings, I have never once been discriminated against or been made to feel embarrassed or bad for being a stay at home parent. None of my friends have taken jabs at me either.

Maybe it’s because I live in San Francisco, where we’re very accepting of people. Maybe it’s because my wife was also with me during most public settings. Or maybe it’s because I’m a proud dad who is more impervious to the disapproval of others.

Don’t let our insecurities run amuck.

Once I went with a moms group walk around Golden Gate Park and we decided to take a break under a large tree. All the moms started to breastfeed their children, but only one had a shawl. It frankly felt weird to be around the group, so I decided to take a short walk instead.

For all the stay at home dads out there who would rather say you retired early, are a freelancer or entrepreneur, you don’t have to be ashamed that your wife or partner is bringing home the bacon.

Embrace your occupation as a stay at home dad. It is the most important job in the world!

7) Wish I started sooner. I find that men are a little to relaxed about when to have children because we don’t have the same biological deadline as women do. We like to avoid the subject for as long as possible. But this is not fair to women who want to have children. Have a mature discussion early in your relationship.

Physically, I’m still holding up pretty well. But I’m definitely not as limber as I used to be and it takes me longer to recover from a cold or a sports injury. After about age 45, I’m not sure if my body would be able to handle all the necessary bending over and carrying any more.

Having one kid makes me want to have a second. Therefore, it’s good to plan as much as possible. Even if you plan, it might take longer than expected to have a child.

If you know you want to have children, it’s better to have them sooner rather than later. Not only will your body be able to better handle childcare, but your kids might also be able to spend more time with their aging grandparents.

See: When Is The Best Time To Have A Baby

8) You never feel like you’re doing enough. I’m constantly in awe of my wife because of her patience, kindness, and ability to naturally feed our boy when he was a baby.

As a stay at home dad, my son and I have a close connection, but it’s not as close as the connection he has with his mom. As a result, I used to feel a little sad when he cried out for mommy while I was right there playing with him.

What am I, chop liver or something? I’d sometimes think to myself.

Because I’m unable to nurse our boy, I try to make up for my deficiency in other ways: cleaning, driving, grocery shopping, playing, washing dishes, ordering food and so forth. I’d throw myself deep into my work in order to feel the power of being a provider.

Slowly, I’m starting to feel more worthy of being a father. As he gets older I hope all he’ll want to do is play with his old man. It’s just such a weird feeling to never feel like you’re doing enough no matter how hard you try.

Proud To Be A SAHD

After two years of being a stay at home dad, I’m firmly on the side of the rest of the world that provides 6 – 12 months of parental leave after having a baby.

For a woman to return to work within three months seems cruel, especially if a C-section is involved. All a baby wants to do at that age is be with his or her parents.

One doctor said it best, “Nine months to create, nine months to heal.” If male managers and CEOs were at home every day helping their wives recover, they would be more empathetic as well.

Unfortunately, companies aren’t in the business of subsidizing our personal life decisions regarding having children. My hope is that American institutions will soon start to offer some type of token paid parental time off for at least the first child.

At the end of the day, I know my wife and I have tried our very best to raise him so far. Looking back, the two years went by quickly. Looking forward, I’m hoping for many more wonderful experiences.

Are there any stay at home dads out there who would like to share what it was like for you? Stay at home moms feel free to share your thoughts and also how your husband or partner has helped or how we dads can do more.

The post Reflecting On Being A Stay At Home Dad For Two Years: Eight Takeaways appeared first on Financial Samurai.

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