#it's just such a bizarre option because the Emperor clearly wants to hide that he slept with Tav/Durge from everyone else

[chizu117]

I can't believe that there's even an option to tell Raphael that you're in love with the Emperor. Like why the Fuck would you tell him that?????? He already thinks that you're stupid now you're just pissing him off!!!!!!!!!

[ithappenedinadreamcomic-blog]

It Happened in a Dream! Part 2: Senpai Noticed (Finally)

Keywords: emo soldiers, the manic pixie dream girl trope, Star Wars, Star Trek references, shenanigans

Genre: Crack fiction, Comedy, Original Story, Original Characters in Canon Universe

Characters: Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, General Hux, Supreme Leader Snoke, OCs

Rating: PG to PG-13

Trigger Warnings: Cursing, violence sometimes, sexual innuendos

Captain Phasma gave Melanie the option to return to her quarters to “freshen up” before reconvening for lunch. Phasma may have suggested as such because Melanie was not dressed to impress anyone, in her t-shirt and worn-out jeans (particularly not higher-ranking officials like Commander Kylo Ren), regardless of their being authentically Terran. Melanie took the hint and returned to her room to change.

Rather than deck herself out in her finest Elegant Gothic Lolita frillies, however, she opted for an even worse outfit choice. If the First Order thought they could control Melanie's behavior in any way, they had another thing coming. Somehow Melanie had escaped a Trump presidency, but she was not about to bow to another fascist government in his absence!

Melanie selected an oversized purple sweater with a giant cat face patch plastered to the front, a pleated skirt colored with a pink and purple space pattern, ripped and faded pink leggings, and black combat boots. She put on her best 90s accessories, mussed her curly auburn hair with a spritz of hairspray, and forwent makeup entirely.

“Whoa, gurl, you a hottie,” she said to the mirror, shooting finger guns at herself, and departed for the mess hall.

A pair of Stormtroopers passed Melanie punch-dancing down the hallway, and glanced to one another in confusion. Melanie Vasquez was sure to make some lucky scientist's research dissertation, hands down, a bestseller. In the end, it took Melanie about fifteen minutes of aimless wander-dancing to find the mess hell.

“What'd I miss?” she asked Frank, scooting her butt onto the surface of a table rather than sitting in a chair like a proper Terran lady.

Frank sighed. “Melanie, you are quite late. We are lucky that Commander Ren has not yet arrived, or you would have gotten all of us in trouble.”

“Relax, Darth Prozac isn't going to get mad. Trust me.”

“Who?”

“You know, Villain McNiceHair.”

Frank stared blankly.

Melanie snorted. “C'mon, Frank. You just mentioned him. Commander Ren.”

“That is not my name,” Frank stated. “Melanie, in all seriousness, you cannot call Commander Ren such names. You cannot. We have political immunity for the most part, yes, but if you truly offend him, it will all be for naught. He can easily ask for your head.”

“Oh, he can have a whole lot more than my head,” Melanie said.

“Excuse me?”

“What? I didn't say anything.”

As if on cue, Captain Phasma sidled up to the seated Terran and the perplexed Ethereum hovering next to her. “I have just received word that Commander Ren is on his way. He should be here in a couple of minutes. Prepare yourselves for a brief introduction upon his arrival.”

“Haha, brief,” Melanie laughed.

Captain Phasma raised her eyebrow.

“So, Captain Helmet, tell me a little about yourself,” Melanie said. “Have you been working for the Order long?”

“I grew up in the Order,” Phasma said, ignoring Melanie's new nickname for her.

Melanie considered asking if she had been abducted from Coruscant as a child, but thought better of it. She nodded instead.

“Captain Phasma is a very decorated officer,” Frank said, “She is third in command, under General Hux and Commander Ren.”

“Right, that is an accomplishment,” Melanie said with a grin. “You go, girl.”

Phasma appeared to be on the verge of smirking, but she battled with the angle of her mouth in an effort to maintain neutrality. Perhaps she often wore a helmet because she was more emotionally expressive than Armitage Hux or Kylo Ren, and as such, was far less immune to Melanie's antics. That, or she could hide her biological sex under the silver armor and flashy cape.

“I hear that you are a chemical engineer on your planet, Ms. Vasquez,” Phasma said. “You must be intelligent...For a Terran.”

“Ouch, so close to a compliment,” Mel laughed. “I guess I have to try harder if we're going to be friends.”

Phasma blinked. “Friends?”

“Well, obviously. I'm going to need friends if I'm going to be in Sky River for a while.” Melanie smiled  brightly at the Amazonian soldier, who was taller than her even while sitting on a high table.

“I am not sure if that is...allowed.”

“It will be.”

“Oh?” was Phasma's simple response. And she did not have time to add to it, as the metallic doors to the mess hall slid ajar.

Melanie's heart skipped a beat, but she did not glance over her shoulder to see who entered the room. She already knew. The game had started at last. It was happening. Oh Emperor Palpatine, it was finally happening!

Captain Phasma straightened and saluted with one hand. Her other hand clasped her helmet to her side. “Commander Ren, welcome.”

No response. But Melanie heard the rustle of fabric moving up from behind her. She sat awkwardly still and rigid, but her lips split into an enormous grin. As Commander Ren approached, she felt the tendrils of an invisible force prodding her mind suddenly. Or, more accurately, the Force. It was a bizarre sensation. Midichlorians were not a part of her biology because the Force did not exist in the Milky Way, so she wondered how it was possible for her to feel it at all.

“Captain Phasma.”

Melanie shivered. She glanced furtively to her right, amber eyes falling to Kylo Ren's dark boots, and looked away. So close. It took all of her willpower to keep her mind from plunging straight into her fantasies and revealing everything. Instead, Melanie considered manatees. What is it like to hug a manatee? Also, do fish dream? Did thoughts linger behind their cold, dead eyes?

Kylo Ren bristled at the sight of Frank. Frank appeared none too pleased as well.

“Faseemke'Sahndhran,” Kylo Ren's robotic voice said. “It has been a while.”

Frank's wispy head inclined. “Commander Ren. I hope you are well.”

“I am sorry to make you wait. I have just returned from a mission,” said Ren. There was a drawn out, pensive silence. “Is this the Terran?”

Every nerve of Melanie's body sang triumphantly.

“Yes. Subject #347. She arrived here three months ago, and we have been preparing for her debut ever since.”

“Hm.”

Melanie bit down a smile, keeping her eyes firmly glued to the ground. What about jellyfish? They didn't have brains. Did they think?

“Melanie, please introduce yourself to Commander Ren.” Frank's voice wavered. He sounded nervous.

Captain Phasma tilted her head, regarding the frozen Melanie. “It is possible she is frightened by the mask,” she offered.

Kylo Ren hesitated, but a mechanic hiss a few moments later alerted Melanie to his decision.

“What is your name, Terran?” asked Kylo's deep, humanoid voice.

Melanie summoned up her courage, and stared straight into Kylo Ren's ultra-broody, yet glorious face.

He was incredibly pale, and extremely handsome despite his too-big noise and various moles dotting his skin. His thick brow was furrowed at her, forehead wrinkled deep with thought, or maybe frustration. And God, his hair. He had sultry, ebony waves of hair down to the base of his neck. He met her gaze with coal-black eyes, and held it with an effortless, immense power. Melanie nearly swooned clear off of the table. She immediately snapped her thoughts away from his appearance and to... Eels! Weren't eels technically snakes?

“Melanie...” Frank nudged Melanie's shoulder with an airy arm. “Please answer Commander Ren.”

“Melanie Vasquez,” she said abruptly. “My name is Melanie Vasquez.”

Melanie tried to remind herself that none of this was real. As hot as Kylo Ren seemed, he was only a figment of her imagination. It was just her coma fantasy, trying to indulge her with fan service.

“Melanie Vasquez,” Kylo repeated. He kept staring--no, glaring--at her. And God, was he tall. Taller than Phasma by a couple of inches, at least. Melanie was only, like, 5'3”!

“Call me 'Mel',” she said. She suddenly grinned.

Frank was clearly taken aback by the drastic change in Melanie's behavior. He tried to carry the conversation further. “Do you have any questions for Melanie, Commander Ren?”

“Has she been questioned?” Kylo asked, turning to Phasma. She nodded.

“Then, no. I have other matters to attend to. After I eat, I will be on my way.”

“What do you like to eat, Kylo?” Melanie asked.

Kylo Ren did a double take of Mel. He frowned.

“Please ignore her, Commander Ren!” Frank pleaded, floating in front of Melanie and raising his ghostly arms in alarm. “Terrans are very chatty, and her, especially so. I admit, it can be obnoxious! Go eat, please. Pay her no mind.”

“No,” Mel said. She crossed her arms like a petulant child. “I want to talk to him.”

“Subject #347, stop. Commander Ren is very busy. He does not have time to entertain you.”

“Yes he does.”

“Melanie!”

Kylo Ren held up a gloved hand abruptly to silence Frank.

“What?” he asked, fixing her with his dark eyes once again. “What is it that you wish to say?”

Melanie Vasquez immediately broke into song. She held her arms out on either side as she raised her voice. Everyone in the mess hall stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the impromptu Terran songbird.

She was not particularly good at singing, either.

“Hey little mooonster, I got my eye on yoouuuu~

Where are you gooooing, where are you running toooo?

I got love on my fiiingers, and lust on my tooongue!

You say you've got nooothing, so come out and get soo~oome.

Heartache to heartache, I'm your wolf, your woman!

I say run, little mooonster, before you know who I am!”

Phasma and Kylo Ren's jaws both dropped, even as the song continued Frank's would have, too, if he'd had one. This crazy Terran was actually serenading Commander Ren!

When Melanie finally finished, Kylo Ren said nothing. The astounded onlookers noted that it was the first time they had ever seen their commander rendered speechless.

Melanie took advantage of Kylo Ren's muteness and pointed her index finger directly in his face. He flinched back an inch, but otherwise remained dumbfounded.

“KYLO REN, I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!” Melanie yelled. “AND THAT'S WHY I, MELANIE VASQUEZ OF THE PLANET EARTH, CHALLENGE YOU--”

The entire room gasped.

“--TO SURVIVE ONE ROMANTIC DATE WITH ME!”

The room gasped louder.

Captain Phasma stared blankly, shell shocked. Frank, despite having any facial features whatsoever, appeared to be on the brink of fainting. The other Ethereum some tables away huddled closer, whispering among themselves. Every other soldier and First Order official in the mess hall could not seem to decide whether to laugh or cry. No one, Terran or other, had ever openly flirted with their genocidal commander before.

Was this a moment for the Sky River history books?

Maybe. Maybe!

Kylo Ren's eyelids fluttered in confusion.

Oh, no! Had the Terran successfully broken him?!!

“I....I do not understand,” he said finally.

First this 'Melanie Vasquez' had sung nonsense to him, and now she was...Asking to court him? What?

“Just think about it,” Melanie said, “I mean, I'm only the least threatening person in this room! It's not like you have anything to lose!”

Kylo Ren staggered back a couple of steps. His right hand flew to his forehead. He rubbed his temples, trying to formulate a response. He had been challenged many times before, but this? This was different. What were her intentions? Should he attempt to probe her mind with the Force again? He had only seen absurd images and content there so far, but surely there was something logical underneath all that!

Commander Ren had been quiet too long. He had to say something. Anything. And so he attacked the first flaw that came to mind: her appearance. Tacky, whimsically-colored clothing, frumpy animal tunic. Unladylike posture, sitting disrespectfully on a First Order table. Short stature, pudgy build. Sunken, tired eyes. No makeup. Unkempt, boyish hairstyle. Somewhat adorable—wait, what?! No!

“...And you challenge me to this...'Date'...While dressed like that? How dare--”

“Hey, it's better than what I was wearing yesterday!” Melanie said.

Kylo Ren paused. He lowered his hand.

“...What were you wearing yesterday?”

“A tiger onesie.”

Kylo Ren narrowed his eyes.

“What is...a 'tiger onsie'?”

“Oh, it's a jumpsuit you wear while sleeping, shaped like a cute animal from my planet!”

'…What?'

Frank immediately blocked Melanie from Kylo Ren's sight. He addressed her frantically.

“Subject #347, I believe we have overstayed our welcome. We should return to our research vessel now. Besides, you need to rest! Today must have been an ordeal for you.”

“Ugh, really?” Mel asked. “Boooooriiiinnnng. Ohhkaaayy... If I must.” She glanced towards the fourth wall and winked.

Melanie hopped off the table and made a show of dusting herself off. “Well, Darth Prozac, it's been real. We will meet again, since I need to get that answer from you soon.” She headed for the exit with Frank and a cluster of worried Ethereum on her tail.

“W-Wait a minute,” Kylo Ren called after them, in a voice too weak to be heard.

And with that, Melanie Vasquez and her alien entourage was gone, leaving everyone in the room to wonder what had just happened...Including Commander Kylo Ren.