#it's just fucking up my schedule :( and I don't wanna :(

[skrunksthatwunk]

something he can't put into words.

[bookwyrminspiration]

trying to get shit sorted out for fall semester but no one is back in office until it starts is. not ideal

[vilevampire]

I need to stop doing things related to my hyperfixations/special interests so close to my fucking bedtime lest I lose my fucking marbles

[roaringroa]

they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

[mashmouths]

save me mango yogurt

[daz4i]

i really truly genuinely cannot go one (1) day without wanting to die

[watery-melon-baller]

Lads i have Fucked Up Big Time

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[bunnyb34r]

I wish my brain could be fucking normal for once :/

[carcarrot]

am i allowed to have not great teeth if i just ask really niceys

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

Tw vent in tags

[fagdykevash]

the inherent horror of immortality is getting to meeeeee

[noahtally-famous]

normally it doesn't take me this long to write a "sequel" to a oneshot (I feel like I just jinxed it by saying this, oh well), but god, this shawnpher one is dragging fhdjkfhk

on the bright side, I'm almost done with it!! just one more part to write and a quick read-through before boom! published!

[slippery-minghus]

feels like the last few weeks have been the slow motion progression of a brick in a dryer.

shaking shaking shaking apart

finally broke into pieces last night

been a pile of broken parts in the grass all day

it's going to take time to work up to equilibrium again, i'm sure i'll get there. but i'm worried i took the kind of damage that knocked out one of my spell slots yanno? a stat debuff that i'm going to have to re-earn the skill points to unlock all over again.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

a hospice nurse came out yesterday to talk to us and give us the run down of everything

she was nice and i think she's going to be his case manager while other nurses actually come out to check on him, but as soon as she left she was already putting in the orders for some medicines to help calm him and for a hospital bed and all of that

our dining table is kinda in the corner of the living room by the window so my mom and i already cleared all that out so we can put the bed there and that way he'll be right in the middle of everything and won't feel like he's just stuffed in the corner like he is in the bedroom

i kept going to just sit next to him yesterday and be by his side whenever my mom needed to go make him dinner or show the hospice nurse around because he didn't want to be alone

he was a lot more clear yesterday than he was the past couple of days and we had some very frank conversations about all of this which is good, but last night he had an anxiety attack and could barely breathe

my mom almost had to call hospice in because she didn't think he was going to make it but she managed to get him calmed down and settled

he was actually sitting up in his chair in the living room this morning but he pretty quickly had to move to the couch because he's just too tired

she and i talked this morning and i asked her how long she thinks he may have because i was thinking months maybe but she said we'll be lucky if he makes it to his birthday which is the 25th so that's...rough

she said there's just no fight left in him and his doctors are even talking about discontinuing a bunch of his meds and stuff

just...yeah.

i mean, i knew it was going to happen at some point, but i really didn't think it would be like...now. right now.

there still might be a chance he can turn this around and i think it's fucking crazy because i swear to god just like a week ago he was out on the back porch on the exercise bike, albeit he wasn't killing it on the fucking thing, but like...still

for a few minutes he was sitting and peddling a little and could walk back to his chair without a cane or using his wheelchair as a walker, he was able to make his own lunch and get himself a cup of coffee, at one point i even remember i was standing behind him just in case but he was scooting through the house like, "look at me go" and now it's like he's on death's door and i've heard this happens, it's not uncommon for people to do a big upswing right before the end where it seems like, "oh, okay, nice!!" and even his reports from his tests were looking fine, everything was seemingly okay but now i don't know anymore

i guess we'll just take each day at a time. my mom's going to see how this weekend goes but more than likely she's going to take another break from work and said she'd just go without pay, she just can't fathom being at fucking work and he ends up passing and i don't blame her a bit. since i work from home i think i'll try to still work as much as i can but ive got at least two weeks worth of pto already stored up and ready to go and whenever it's time, if it's next week or a month from now or whenever i'll just take that and fuck work

i just hate this so fucking much and i hate seeing him like this. i hate knowing that this is upsetting him but of course it fucking is. i hate knowing that he's scared. i hate so much about this but i guess there's no choice and i'm going to try to put on a brave face and do the best i can and that's that

[navree]

i feel like i say this every time i'm about to fly and you know what, you're gonna hear it again: we need to invent teleporters so fucking fast