#it’s like I’m not getting better bc I was able to do this shit so mindlessly
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Sophie Shepard & Dominik Shepard (ME2)
Ft. Cmdr. Kaidan Alenko & Zaeed Massani MIRA'S MORE CANON ME2 "We both did the best we could do underneath the same moon- in different galaxies..." AKA: The aftermath of Lair of the Shadow Broker. Recruiting the Not-Dossier: Apollo. Mass Effect 2: Legendary Edition (2021) + Bonus :)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#dominik shepard#kaidan alenko#zaeed massani#mass effect#mass effect 2#me2#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#morecanonmasseffect#taylor swift is getting all the credit for my tagline :) thank you peter lyrics :)#something something twins who throw eclipse mercs out windows together something something :)#dom is still a sentinel in this canon but i think he’s more biotic inclined :)#but this was so much fun. i haven’t made a big gifset like this in awhile#putting zaeed and kaidan in soph’s squad together in game 👌👌👌👌 absolutely highlight of my mesh swapping career#that and putting dom and soph into the same frame together in game. this was so fucking cool to see in game i’m ngl.#it’s like one thing to have OCs who are twins and another thing to be able to put them into game together 🥹#and seeing like more of your own ME2 canon instead of the shitty version we got in game ngl#shadowbroker!zaeed baby!! ash and kaidan on the normandy!! soph fucks off from cerbie bc the storyline is shit!!#nyreen as archangel. no forced bestie bullshit :)#sorry bioware i’m taking your canon and ripping it to shreds :) zaeed and the VSs deserve better so i’m giving them better :)#also soph using an eagle isn’t the most canon thing but i don’t think me2 has a cobra so we’re gonna roll with it lmao#everyone else’s guns are very canon though :)#i probably ranted a little too much but ngl dom stepping on the eclipse merc was iconic#and soph shoving the other one out the window was hot and kaidan agrees (i don’t make the rules)#well actually i do and he did think it was hot :)#have a nice day as always friend!! 💙
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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blows everything up w my mind i hate school i hate careers i just wanna draw pictures and play sudoku
#idk if i’ve said this before but basically my current college experience was like fuck around and get all ur basic classes oever w and#try out different intro classes for different majors and then like. literally last summer i just decided to choose psychology and god do#i wish i didn’t do that. like i kinda chose it bc of how much i liked my intro psych classes and bc of how fast i’d be able to get it#compared to like other degrees but like. what if i actually hate everything and everyone that has to do w psychology#like i mean it’s not like i’m ever gonna go into counseling so like. my only option for this degree path is like post grad shit and even#then what can i even do w this. fucking. work for a school? do experiments? write papers?is that even what i want idfk#like honestly this degree feels so fucking useless i probably would’ve been the same amount of feeling fucked but like slightly#more happy abt it if i decided to be an art major#ugh i fucking hate school like u’d think w how everything played out for me that i’d feel accomplished or smth bc like i just turned 20 and#im set to get my dumbass bachelors like. in a couple weeks but i feel like a failure i have 0 plans i hate every decision i have ever made.#but also like idk if i even have like the energy for more school. or the patience or the motivation or whatever. like even if i go for that#sexology program that’s online it’s still only a masters and im probably gonna need a doctorate if i decide to commit to this shit and#like idk if i have the energy for all that shit. or if i even care enough to do all that. but also i don’t rlly have any other better#options do i? fucking. i don’t know what to do. explodes everything w my mind 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
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anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror
#she speaks#truly cannot keep living like this gang!#burned out and stressed constantly to a level that i keep thinking will plateau#only for it to keep somehow getting worse#idk if y’all know this but being a teacher in america is truly a completely unsustainable job#it verges on deliberate cruelty the shit we’re just supposed to handle and be ok with every day#and the expectations we’re supposed to be able to meet#with very little time to plan or prepare let alone rest#tomorrow i literally have no planning time#so i won’t get a single break outside of like 20 minutes for lunch if i’m lucky#and then we have a grade level meeting after school that i didn’t know about until literally today#bc we need to have report card comments done by tomorrow.#which you’ll never guess!! we also didn’t know about/weren’t reminded of until today!!#and maybe that’s on me but admin normally puts out so much stuff about it ahead of time#and this time we got literally nothing#and now i’ve had to cancel my therapy appointment right when i probably need it the most#and since it’s less than 24 hours i might get charged for it 🙃#i haven’t vacuumed in months and my car inspection is 3 months overdue#i wake up exhausted every single day and come home so overwhelmed i can barely talk#and yet things keep fucking happening every single day#and it all just keeps compounding#and i have no other option but to keep pushing through and hope it doesn’t literally kill me#this can’t be all there is. it can’t keep feeling like this forever. when does it get better i cant keep doing this
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people have been real niceys to me about my art lately and it makes me really really happy…. :]
#marzi speaks#i’m up too late i should go to bed#but man i missed drawing… the hospital was so awful bc i couldn’t do shit about fuck#and the whole time i was sick i wanted to draw so badddd#but i physically couldn’t. my fingers were so stiff i could barely type#nevermind draw without hurting myself#so i waited. and now i’m better and i can draw ahain#and it is so NICE to be able to do. GOD i missed making things so much#and people are engaging with it!! my art has gotten more notes in the past year than it like . ever has#seriously the amount of growth my blog has gone through for like. no reason#well i suppose i am improving in skill over time. but yanno#POINT IS. people are saying things in tags and replies and ACTUALLY REBLOGGING MY ART it’s. it’s really nice#i’m at the point now where i can consistently get over 100 notes on polished pieces. i… thay’s crazy to me#that’s a lot. it means a lot
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worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!
#like. it gets to me. A lot of the time it’s ohhh your life is priceless and. Well. Okay I did just see you put a price on it though.#like. It’s not always blatant but the laziness comments get to me. The stupid comments get to me. The money comments also get to me.#Either all life is precious or I am a drain on society. you cannot have both.#Why is my life worth less than twenty dollars. Better yet why are YOU gambling with MY life. wear your FUCKING masks.#like I’m usually fine bc I simply do not have the capacity for any more shit. I am existing in less dimensions than most ppl and Not Aware#And then when I am better I experience two entire years of Concentrated Cosmic Horror before I fold back down into being two dimensional#Cosmic horror? Eldritch horror? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW. what I do know is that I straight up Do Not believe in the soul anymore bc of this!#like I’m horrified!! It is literally horrifying. If I still had all of me I could write some deeply fucked up metaphor but rn what I’ve got#Is like. okay so I’m supposed to be like. A galaxy on the inside folded into a person shape. Right#there’s stuff happening in there. three to five trains of thought at once etc. etc. and that is not what I have anymore. what I have now is#like. One planet and a white dwarf. not even a neutron star. And everything else went out so gradually that I didn’t really notice but#I woke up one morning and it’s not there and then I got into the habit of not looking up bc that’s a lot of work and I have to keep paintin#galaxies on the ash of this stupid little planet. And then I experience random bandaid treatment and Have The Knowledge again and.#I get to experience Plato’s allegory of the cave in REAL TIME and involuntarily!!#It really does suck that the only time I am able to comprehend the magnitude of my loss is when I’m not experiencing it!! bad times!!#I’m tired of being agreeable. Wear masks. Petition for air purifiers in public spaces. Or I start biting for real#if you notice I’m dealing with long covid a. BADLY. you’re right!! Gold fucking star! I challenge ANYONE to deal with The Bullshit actually#I’m not going to let myself be martyred for the fucking. Economy. Bull FUCKING shit.
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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today i snapped & have reached a point that i needed to move the kitchen knives To the kitchen instead of storing them in my room w me 😭😭
#diary#i literally was like ok ! so we’re taking another pill today !#ALSJALSKALSKLAJSLAJSALJDLASKA#like NOPE ! we’re not going down this road girlypoo xx#LMFAOOOOOOOO#thank god i’m seeing my dr when i get back home in like 2.5week#we r getting that dowse FORMALLY INCREASED#bc we cant keep going at this rate 😭😭😭#over the past 9 weeks i’ve literally had 3oz of bud 😭😭😭#like girl … this isn’t sustainable ….#but i feel better now that i’m on the 150mg lol#like deadass i slept until 3p/4 then started crying bc i had to be alive#like it’s either go get locked up or increase ‼️#i hate insurance so much oh my god#i think i’ll do 2x75mg every other day instead of the 1 i think i’ll be able to make it work#this is my first test today of the 150 total bc i mean venlafaxine has a mad short half life so maybe i’ll be able to be stable on 150 every#other like here’s hoping bc i’ve so much shit to do like#literally it’s like every moment i’m sober it’s like just ‘how can i kill myself’ & the intrusive thoughts like girl i was washing dishes#& was like ok so we can Use This like no cut that out u rat#but here we are#We Move ‼️
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i guess this is a hot take but i couldn’t care less if exo can’t promote “as a whole” anymore. frankly, with the state the industry is in and the year kpop has had, i’m more concerned abt their mental well being and other groups and how they’ll be living under the shadow of this lawsuit whether it goes well or not.
#and this is not to say i’m better than you bc you’re concerned abt promotions or the future of exo that’s fine#like it’s ok to feel sad but i’m at the point in my life where i want justice for them and the kids currently undergoing this same fucked up#situation with infinitely less power bc they might not have the influence the public favor the money to do anything against it#having this much scrutiny on company practices will either make regulators way more stringent or (more likely) make managing companies way#way WAY sneakier; they’re already hiding contract extending clauses under heaps of legal jargon and then actively slowing down promotion to#prolong the contract as they need past the already insane terms like. this is so insane and it might even get WORSE????#nah man i’d rather just live in the nostalgia instead of having to sweep this shit under the rug.#cbx is immensely courageous to sue sm and clearly see that they’re one of the few who have the privilege to be able to swing favor their way#ok now that’s said if i don’t get SOMETHING OFFICIAL with long hair minseokie i’m killing myself fr and taking sm with me
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maybe the psych ward thing wasn’t a bad idea
#overwhelmed is an understatement i feel like i’m gonna cry#can’t do anything bc i’m lazy as shit and then i remember maybe it’s bc of depression#but at the same time going at a slower pace makes me lazy and i need a right schedule to do things#but that makes me anxious and incapable of doing anything#so it’s just hell huh#and this makes me feel even worse and therefore i’m even more tired and unable to do what i have to#but the idea of psych ward also stresses me out bc of how much i’ll miss out on#like i’ll have to catch up and i don’t think i’ll be able to do that#guess taking a break would mean i’d get better at least a bit but i don’t think that’ll happen like it’s not possible#i can’t get better bc if i do that means there was never anything wrong so i was just making a scene and i should’ve just shut up or kms#i feel like puking and crying all the time#and stressed out beyond comprehension#for no reason#and i know this makes me such a bitch but it’s so exhausting when everyone around you keeps talking abt how ‘omg were all soo mentally ill’#like it’s fun or sth#bc ig we are! but somehow i’m the only one who can’t deal with anything#and i don’t really have an excuse to be this stupid and lazy#bc everyone else is doing ok and keeping up and studying and getting good grades and dating and everything#and i start bawling bc i get a text and i feel like i can’t keep up bc i’m so tired#i wish i was dead
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#for context i’m at this rlly nice low key snobby rich kid private school (i am on financial aid pls don’t think i’m rich) that’s hella far#from my house and i’m v lonely bc my friends r far away and i want friends that live close to me so i can hangout with them and anywyas ive#got great opportunities at this school like im lined up to lead to clubs n shit and i can go on global studies trips here and so on but#then there’s this pretty good public school SIX MINUTES from my house meaning i would be able to drive to school and hangout with people#and do more sxhool things before and after school and get more sleep and have more people to make friends with and so on but the problem is#i would be going there my junior year and wouldn’t know anyone and i might not find the close friends i’m looking for and i probably won’t#get the opportunities i have set up for me and AUGH THIS IS SO FUCKIJT HARD i want advice please please please especially mutuals in colleg#what r u takes on this? what would be better for me for college? also mutuals who r in/went to public school anything i should know?#toad.txt#poll
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I’ve been thinking I was insane but everyone was talking about clocking the conservative shift in like music or fashion and yeah I did see it in fandom tyyyy
#but tbh#i think it’s less conservative shift and more minorities being exhausted#like i think it’s less there are more conservatives and more we’re tired of talking at brick walls all the time#and in a fandom sense I do blame a chunk of it on white progressives and who pretend to give a fuck#thinking that you’re seeing change just to have to spoon feed simple shit to someone who says they know better#or just seeing them go back on everything for their own comfort#sucks#Im not even talking about Batman this time#like here it’s easier bc#IK it’s frustrating but for me I like being able to tell that this person just doesn’t read shit it makes the distinction easier#It’s other fandoms where it’s like. oh we did watch the same thing we did read the same thing u just agree with the fascists got it#but anyways#hypocritical isn’t the word but I always talk about how small shit leads to big shit but ig I thought fandom in general was so isolated id#rarely if ever see that behavior irl#like outside of fandom it’d be online#and actually nvm bc I’m remembering SHIT from school but also. is hs even real#anyways the issue is now I’m seeing the same shit in workplaces#obviously not fandom related#wait lemme articúlate it correctly#i always say these behaviors are rooted in things that Can and will manifest irl with real minorities#and Im still surprised to see it#and It’s less the same ppl doing the same thing but knowing the exact mindset causing it#like duh blanket statement racism#but It’s the equivalent of seeing the way ppl talk about like Damian vs tim and then watching real ppl actively infantilize and white folk#in front of you#like i know this happens that’s why it bothers me but damn it’s actually happening#oh ig it Can all be summed up into ive been saying fandom is barely an escape for us but actually realizing SUCKS#like oh arcane for example I love when the fandom is dead bc I could pretend the racism and apathy for black characters wasn’t happening#and that’s why Batman is better for me personally bc I can ignore anyone anyways but it’s easier to ignore when u know they don’t even go#here and they get their opinions from DPDC discords. but for arcane we all watched and ur still doing that scary
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Hey can someone who’s experienced jealousy tell me what it feels like? I’ve always wondered about it and I have trouble wrapping my head around that one
#ch.txt#i don’t tend to understand emotions in general but I’ve at least experienced most of the other ones at least once or twice#even if I can’t really remember or picture what they were like bc I have the emotional object permanenc of an actual rock#merely one of the uniquely impressive feats my autistic as hell brain is capable of#but jealousy seems like a weird one to me bc it’s like. only some people ever seem to get it?#but if I’m right I haven’t been able to identify what quality sets jealous people apart#like is there a specific personality prerequisite#i’d like to know so I can understand my cat Jazz better. he gets jealous of the other cats A LOT#can i tell you guys a thing#sometimes when ppl said good personal news I used to go ‘oooo I’m so jealous’ bc that just sorta seemed like the human thing to say#i stopped doing that after a couple friends gave me weird looks one time and it made me ask myself why the hell i did that#i think i automatically say a lot of things I don’t actually mean w/o thinking bc that just seems like it’s how humans ought to work#based on my observations of everyone who isn’t me anyway#which is annoying bc I’ve always been purposefully resistant to just doing shit bc it’s a social norm if it doesn’t have a good reason#12 y/o me would perhaps strangle current me#although I can think of a few things 12 y/o me hated and always thought I’d be above that I ended up not having a lotta choice in in the end#but that’s besides the point#i’ve been trying to undo that in myself lately#anyway that’s my malfunction can someone tell me about theirs#specifically involving jealousy
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FUCCCCCKKK I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO UGHHH
#I literally was like ‘okay well october so it’s gonna be all empty now!!’ fucking nevermindddd#it’s like I’m not getting better bc I was able to do this shit so mindlessly#I know this is going to bug me all day so just ignore any vent lookin post from me..#ERMMM AWKWARD!!!#sorry#SORRY BUT LIKE WHAT THE HELLLL#UGHH IM SO STUPID 😭
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to any of my followers who actually will end up seeing this, sorry abt some of the kinda depressing shit i’ve been saying lately. im just kinda havin a time and feeling low level shitty a lot of the time and it keeps slipping out in places i dont want it to. thanks for putting up with me
#i know im engaging in some unhealthy behaviors#like self deprecation#n im sorry yall have to deal with that#i don’t want to be a burden#i don’t want to bother anyone#i don’t want to annoy anyone#and im terrified that im somehow messing up at every turn#im so worried that i don’t know how to make friends and that i’m just some annoying young adult on the internet#im worried that people secretly hate me#im worried that things will never get better for me#i want to be comforted and told everything will be okay#but im not a child#im not a baby#i shouldn’t need someone to hold my hand all the time bc im uncomfortable#i should be able to do better at working at bettering my mental health and shit#but it’s hard and uncomfortable and i dont want to feel like that so i don’t want to do it#so i dont#but i should#but it doesn’t happen and in stuck in this cycle and have been for as long as i can remember trying to work on mental health stuff#and as far as i can tell#i’ll be here forever#or it feels that way
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I’m being overdramatic I know, but maybe I’m just meant to be miserable.
(“Well maybe you shouldn’t do these sailing trips if you get so sick after” IM TOO OLD NOW ANYWAY. IM DONE WHETHER I WANT TO BE OR NOT. IVE SPENT A MONTH AT SEA TOTAL NOW. AND I REALLY FUCKING HOPED THAT I WOULDNT GET SICK THIS TIME. and I didn’t the first time (you know when Everyone still was asked to mask and we tested before boarding)) and I booked the rest of the week off to recover. That I have to call in sick for at least a little bit now too. Yeah. That sucks for all of us. Nothing I can do but not die or whatever)
#for fucks sake I need TO SLEEP#I need to get better#I need to be able to go back to work#I need to FUCKING SLEEP#but I need to brush my teeth#and you’re in there AS FUCKING ALWAYS#and I said to go first so it can ventilate after in case I do have Covid#but FUCKING SHIT ITS BEEN HALF AN HOIR AND IM SO TORED I COULD CRY#which isn’t going to help my breathing bc my nose is starting to get involved#and my body is so fucking exhausted from coughing#like shit I’m going to need a second dinner if I’m awake much longer#get OUT please#and I had my vitamin packet so it can absorb better as I go to bed#BUT I CANT FUCKING GO TO BED CAN I???#have taken the risk to cry out asking her to hurry it up#(I can’t hear her in return over my air purifier and fan but anyway)#like my half coughs sound more like sobs all day if I can’t do a full cough right now#and I think it’s so fucking fitting#too exhausted and miserable. can’t even cough properly just cough sobbing without the tears#except I still. can cough. can cough myself into puking actually 😭 I hate this so much#shattered fragments#sick posting#I just want to sleep#somebody just put me down and let me sleep UNINTERRUPTED for a full night please#if it wouldn’t hurt my throat so much more I would be sobbing right now#god I feel like crying#I just want to be well again#FUCK#haven’t even played Stardew bc I have to use two hands for it#and my shoulder still hurts (a little less after laying on the wand but not a ton less)
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