#it’s just. a lot of anxiety in every aspect of the day y’know

[vigilantejustice]

uh. first shift back at work went ok but was intense in a few ways. skipped out on the second shift because my anxiety said capital n no thanks 2 this real fear of feeling trapped in a high anxiety situation for eight hours and now it looks like i haven’t been rostered on this week so now for personal reasons i will be passing away :-)

[cheeriecherry]

How would Tamaki, Kirishima, and Mirio deal with having a crush they've been pining over for literal months that's always pushing them away? It's not because she doesn't LIKE them, necessarily. But it's a grand combination of shyness, insecurity, never dating/fallen in love before, and being called ugly/being asked out as a joke. That's all their attempts at establishing a romantic relationship are to her: one big, mean joke. She gets a little mean with them sometimes, but that's just the hurt.

I felt that in the heart oof I hope anyone out there’s who’s experienced this kind of bullying from other people is able to one day overcome it and find peace and love in yourself, and genuine kindness and care in others! Until then, I will send all my love to you guys.

Requests are temporarily closed so I can catch up on the ones I’ve received!

AMAJIKI TAMAKI

-What first draws him to you is the surprising lack of anxiety he feels when you’re around. Like, usually people, especially strangers, would raise his stress levels significantly. But with you, he feels like he can think, and speak.

-Ofc he’s still shy on top of that, so he doesn’t usually say much...but baby steps. He finds himself falling into a friendship with you pretty quickly, and you’re attentive to his needs and struggles, which he appreciates.

-But then he realizes his heart is starting to speed up when you’re around, and at first he’s like ‘oh no is it the anxiety’ so he tells Mirio about it and Mirio is like ‘aw you have a crush, I think that’s the first one you’ve ever told me about’ and Tamaki is like, dying on the inside because what the heck is he supposed to do with a crush?! It’s not like he can tell you, he’ll probably faint.

-So the months go on and his feelings for you only get stronger. He learns to deal with it, but then...the worst thing happens.

-The day he finally psyched himself up enough to tell you about his feelings, he hears whisperings in the hallway about you getting a love letter on your desk that morning. And his heart just...implodes, and he feels kind of sick to his stomach.

-The whole day is thrown off, and he spends most of the time trying to talk himself out of his sadness, like ‘maybe it wasn’t meant to be, then’ and some more negative things like ‘as if she would actually return my feelings’. it’s sad.

-He doesn’t see you most of the day, under the guise of being busy, but really he just doesn’t know how to deal with the thought of seeing you with someone else.

-He even waits until everyone leaves the school before heading out himself, just so he doesn’t risk running into you.

-But fate has other plans

-He’s just about to leave the campus when he hears muffled sobs coming from somewhere nearby. he may not be a people person, but he’s still a hero. If someone needs help with something, he’s not going to ignore them.

-he follows the cries to a small patch of trees not too far away, unassuming looking but dense enough to provide some good cover. A good place for hiding and crying, also.

-He’s lowkey heartbroken to find out that it’s you who’s crying, and looking so broken and downtrodden. He makes sure to call your name quietly before coming up to you and taking a seat, so he doesn’t startle you (or your reflexes).

-You turn away from him slightly, but don’t outright tell him to leave, not yet.

-He just sits by you for a few minutes, letting you cry. he tries to offer you a gentle hand on the shoulder, but you wince away from him like is touch burns you, so he tries not to get too close after that.

-Finally, he asks you what’s got you so upset. And you pull that stupid love letter out of your pocket and shove it at him.

-He a little confused at first because like, isn’t a love letter usually a nice thing?

-But then you explain to him that a group of boys had written it as a joke and given it to you, and waited at the ‘meeting spot’ with a camera to capture your reaction and make fun of you.

-Never in his life has he ever wanted to beat up his fellow students, but there’s a first for everything I guess. He’s shocked and appalled that someone could be so cruel, especially to you. You’re so kind, and smart, and caring, and strong, and you make him feel safe. He couldn’t imagine ever hurting you.

-He tells you all of that, knowing from his own experiences that you probably won’t believe it, and he leaves off the part where he’s totally head over heels for you. to tell you something like that right now would probably only end badly for both of you.

-He’ll do what he can in the following months to try and boost your confidence, and he’ll absolutely confront the jerks who had the audacity to make you cry. For the time being, he’ll be a friend to you, a good friend, until you’re both in a place where it’s better for him to admit his feelings.

-And when he does, it probably takes some coaxing and a lot of patience, but he’ll never get short tempered with you, or give up on you, because he loves you so much and see so much worth in you, even if you might not be able to see it yourself.

KIRISHIMA EIJIROU

-He likes you the moment you start talking. He’s just such a friendly guy, it’s hard to not get along with him, even if you tried. He’s got his own personal issues, but he’s genuine in everything he does and everything he feels. An actual ray of sunshine.

-It doesn’t take long for you guys to become friends, a few conversations in class and soon enough he’s actively seeking you out. He really likes how you guys just seem to click together, and how you work so well as a team - in all aspects. He starts growing feelings for you pretty soon after you become friends, though his own insecurities keep him from saying anything.

-He struggles with self worth sometimes, especially when he thinks about the person he used to be, so a little piece of him will doubt that you could ever return his feelings. So he decides to stay friends with you for now, until he deems himself worthy of your affection. But he’s happy you’re in his life.

-He hadn’t planned on confessing to you, not for a long time, but shit happens. A couple months into the school year, you guys are walking to class from the dorms, when suddenly you stop, and try to tug him in a different direction.

-He wonders what you’re doing, but you just say that you’d rather take a different route to class, one that’s less busy.

-He doesn’t get it, though. There are only like four people ahead of you, and one small group of girls standing around.

-You roll your eyes and huff a little, telling him that it’s fine, he can walk whatever way he wants to walk, but you’re going a different way despite the fact that it’ll probably make you late.

-He debates chasing after you, but you seem to be pretty upset about something...and it might be something important. A couple minutes probably won’t be enough time to talk about it, so he’ll wait for you to collect your thoughts some and then he’ll ask about it later.

-He continues walking towards the school building, but pauses momentarily when he passes the group of girls, who start giggling as soon as he approaches. He’s like ‘???what’s so funny??’ because they’re tittering and looking at him and tittering some more. Like, does he have something on his face?

-It turns out to be something not so benign. One of the girls is like ‘It’s nothing, you just look better without that awful girl lurking at your side’

-And he’s like ‘what awful girl? The only girl who was with me was-’ and it clicks for him.

-The girls continue chattering amongst themselves, making snide comments about you, the way you look, your skills, your personality. If they have the audacity to say those things in front of him, then there’s no doubt they’ve said them in front of you too.

-Boi doesn’t get mad very often, but this is one of those rare instances. 

-He absolutely lays into the group of girls, knocking them down a peg and calling them out for what they are; bullies. They know nothing about you, about your kindness, or your smile, or your sense of humour, or the way you care about others. 

-He definitely tells them what kind of strength you really have, both as a hero and as a person, and how you’re a better friend and a better human than any one of them. 

-He’ll leave them with an offhanded threat, telling them that if they ever say another word to or about you ever again, there will be hell to pay.

-He’s kind of surprised by himself, like. He knows he cares about you deeply, but he never knew he’d be so fiercely protective of you like that. And little does he know, you heard every word he said.

-You had turned back a couple seconds after you stormed away, worried out of your mind that your outburst would cost you a friendship, as if Kirishima is that easy to get rid of.

-You don’t try to run up to him before class, and instead you wait until lunch to pull him aside and thank him for sticking up for you. He’s kinda saddened that you didn’t just tell him that you were being bullied, but he also kind of gets it. It’s hard to let people in when others are hurting you. Hard to trust.

-But he makes you promise to tell him if anyone else says anything, because he wants to make sure that no one hurts you like that ever again. You’re iffy about it, because like, what if he gets tired of you, y’know? There’s always been a group of bullies in all your schools who’ve set their sights on you and used you as a verbal punching bag; horrible ‘pranks’ and humiliating ‘jokes’.

-But like I said, he gets it with the self worth thing, and he can’t imagine what kind of shambles your confidence is in after so many years of being treated like shit. He’ll let you know that he’s proud of you for pushing on, and that he’s always gonna do what he can to take care of you, because he loves you a lot, even if you don’t believe it.

-It kinda just slips out that he likes you as more than a friend, and once he realizes what he said he turns as red a his hair. You’re also pretty flustered, and you don’t really believe him, but he’s okay with that for now. He can’t expect you to just jump blindly into something that has in the past proven harmful.

-He’s gonna work to prove himself to you, however he can! And when you finally do end up letting him in, he’s going to do everything in his power to keep your trust and your love.

TOGATA MIRIO

-Probably the most persistent out of everyone. Once he sets his sights on you, he doesn’t let you go. Not in a creepy way, though. If you really express a disinterest in having him around, he’s obviously not going to push your boundaries, but he’ll always be kind to you and he’ll be there if you need him.

-That being said, he’s an easy person to have as a friend. He’s strong and smart and so, so kind. His sense of humour never fails to lift your spirits, and training with him is what helps you improve the most in your studies.

-He doesn’t really change his attitude very much when he realizes he’s falling in love with you. He keeps being kind, keeps treating you well, all of that.

-But when you realize you might be falling for him? You’re terrified. You’ve never been in love before, so you’re not sure if what you’re feeling even is love! You’ve heard descriptions of love before, but everything sounds different depending on who you ask.

-On top of that, would he even feel the same? 

-You’re training one afternoon when it hits you, your realization, as well as all the negative thoughts that come with it. 

-You start losing focus, and you take a couple hits, and Mirio is like ‘okay something just happened, are you okay?’ and you tell him that you’re fine, you’re just tired all of a sudden, and you need to take a quick walk to clear your head.

-Unlike Kirishima, Mirio follows you. His intuition tells him that something isn’t quite right, and that it’s really taking a toll on you. You never get distracted like that, especially not when you’re training with him.

-He loses sight of you for a couple minutes, but finds you again on a bench just outside the Yuuei Gardens. You’re just sitting there, staring at the pathway, looking lost in thought and horribly sad.

-He takes a seat beside you, facing you slightly, and very slowly places his hand on yours. You startle a little, and glance towards him while trying to blink away budding tears. Once you see that it’s him though, you look away and try to wipe your face.

-He outright asks what’s got you so upset all of a sudden, or if something happened earlier, or if he did something that upset you. And you’re like ‘of course not, you’re perfect’ which he’ll remember and talk to you more about later. For now he’s focused on you.

-He eventually gets the truth out of you, though he pushes a little more than might be considered necessary, so it comes out as an outburst. Your voice is raised and your tone is stressed, as you cry at him that you think you like him but you have no idea what love is supposed to feel like, and even if you do love him why the hell would he love you back? You’re upset because you’ve basically set yourself up for failure and heartbreak, and because of your stupid feelings.

-He gets really serious, enough that it’s a little concerning, and he very sternly tells you that anyone would be lucky to have your love and your heart, and whatever that means for you is up to you, because love feels different for everyone and it feels different depending on who it’s meant for.

-Plus, if anyone ever thought they wouldn’t have their feelings returned, it’s him. He thinks you’re such an amazing person, strong and quick witted, compassionate and warm, always willing to stand up for others.

-He doesn’t like that you think so little of yourself, but he supposes he understands. He doesn’t know what kinds of things you’ve gone through, but he knows it isn’t always easy to love yourself, and that it’s something you need to work at.

-He just hopes that one day you’ll be able to trust him, and trust yourself. However long it takes, he’ll wait for you. He’s not gonna try and persuade you to enter a relationship with him right then and there, but h’s definitely gonna do his best to woo you. Even if it takes years, he’s going to work for your trust and stand by you while you work on yourself

-He is the number one supportive best friend, and when the time comes, the number one most supportive boyfriend..

[fromthedeskofelizabeththird]

Habanero

You're a good girl, well behaved.

Absolutely not the type to rail random guys in nightclubs.

Until you are.

Fandom: BNHA

Pairing: Aizawa x Reader, eventual polyamorous Erasermic x Reader

Rating: Gen

Trigger Warnings: None in this chapter. Unless you count Mineta ig

AO3: Here | Want to support me? I have a Kofi

Chapter: 7/16 (all chapters)

“And the villain came towards me...he was so much bigger than me! I thought I was going to die!!

You scribbled notes on your clipboard.

“Interesting.”

It was now two days after the USJ incident and UA had reopened its doors. Its students had returned to classes as normal and they weren’t the only ones. You had spotted Shouta limping through the corridors and taking classes, as if his arms were not still in casts.

You were grateful now more than ever of your incredibly busy schedule, for you didn’t get a chance to stew in your own thoughts. You had taken each member of 1-A in for trauma counselling, going over the incident and getting a feel for their coping mechanisms. They were stronger than you’d given them credit for, with most requiring nothing more than a feelings diary and follow up appointment in a week’s time.

Their reactions to this had varied widely. Iida, Todoroki and Yaoyorozu asked if there was a word count requirement. Bakugo made no secret of the fact that he thought it was bullshit. Uraraka and Midoriya seemed weirdly excited about it and promised to do their best.

The final student to arrive in your office was Mineta and he had spent most of the session asking for a hug. You were familiar with his type and well prepared. Every time he reached towards you, you pushed your tissue box further across the table and into his open arms.

“Now, Mineta,” you said, picking up the final journal of the set, “I have a very important task for you…”

From the expression on his face, anyone would have thought you had given him the world.

“Of course!"

“This is a feelings diary,” you said. “I’m going to make an appointment a week from now, where we can go over everything, but until then I’d like for you to complete this. For the next week, every time you feel a negative emotion, like fear or anger or anxiety, I’d like you to write about it here. See how there are sections for location, time and what’s going through your mind? You don’t have to worry about filling every box, but it’ll help us make the most of our time together.”

“Anything for you, Miss (Last Name),” said Mineta, holding the book to his chest as if you’d handed him the holy grail. “But...I do have one request.”

“Oh?”

“Please cheer for me at the sports festival!”

Regardless of their reactions to the session, almost every member of class 1-A had asked for you to cheer for them at the sports festival. You had agreed each time, more than a little bit touched that they would think to ask.

“Of course!”

You were sure you spotted Mineta raising the journal you had given him to his nose as he left the room and you let out a sigh, getting up from your desk to pour yourself a glass of water. Getting through your meetings with 1-A had taken up most of your day and you were grateful for a moment’s peace and quiet.

The silence didn’t last long, though, for someone knocked at your door only a matter of minutes later.

“Come in,” you called out, wondering if one of the students had forgotten something. Perhaps they had further questions about the task you’d given them.

The person who came in, however, wasn’t from 1-A. They weren’t even from the hero course. It was one of the students in general studies and you searched your brain for his name. You had certainly seen his file, but couldn’t remember why it stood out to you so much.

What was it?

Oh! That was it!

Shinsou

He still stood in the doorway, examining your office in curiosity.

“I wasn’t sure if you were open…”

“Of course! Take a seat."

He obeyed, flopping down into the chair opposite your desk and sitting in silence. You had seen his type before too- the ones who reached out for help, but needed some degree of coaxing to vocalise their problem.

“Candy?” you asked, holding out the bowl of hard boiled candies you kept beside your computer monitor for such occasions.

He reached in and picked out a sour cherry, though didn’t eat it, instead turning it over in his fingers as he stared at the floor.

“Is it true,” he said at last, “that if we make an impact at the sports festival...we can change classes?”

“Were you thinking of swapping?”

“I guess.”

You clapped your hands together, turning to your computer.

“There’s a form we need to complete together,” you said, loading up the file. “It’ll only take a couple of minutes.

He shrugged and unwrapped the candy.

“Whatever.”

He mostly nodded his way through your questions, crunching at the candy every time you filled out a box. He seemed dismissive of the choice he was making, though you got the impression he was anything but. In many respects he reminded you of Shouta.

“And that’s that,” you said, reaching for your stamp and putting it to paper. “Give this to your home room teacher as soon as you can and they’ll make the relevant arrangements.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking the paper and folding it in half.

He didn’t move for a while, running his fingers over the paper as if unsure that it was real. Finally, he got to his feet and snatched up another candy from your bowl, this time sour apple. He unwrapped it and turned to the door, though stopped before he could reach for the handle.

“Um,” he said, “that is…”

He took a deep breath and gave you an overly formal bow.

“Pleasecheerformeatthesportsfestival.”

With that, he hurried out of the room, shoving the candy in his mouth as he closed the door behind him.

You watched the door for a short while after that, finally giving in to laughter.

You hadn’t fully agreed with Nezu about holding the games, but at that moment  you felt you understood his decision better.

You couldn’t wait for the sports festival; couldn’t wait to watch the students you had come to know give it their all. You promised yourself you would cheer for them -all of them- until you had no voice left.

You only hoped your feelings would reach them.

_______

That evening, as you cooked dinner home alone, Hizashi went to see Shouta. You had been more than happy for him to check in on him in your stead, still overcome with guilt at the kiss. Not to mention that there were certain aspects of his recovery that were inappropriate for you to help with, much like today.

Hizashi whined as he rifled through Shouta’s bathroom cupboards.

“Unforgivable,” he whispered under his breath, to which Shouta groaned.

Hizashi was in the process of helping him wash his hair, an offer Shouta protested more than once, only to give up and stare into space as Hizashi sat him down on a stool at the bathroom sink, draping a cape over his shoulders as if the pair of them were at a salon.

“I can forgive a lot of things, Eraser,” said Hizashi, turning to Shouta with a heartbroken expression and numerous identical bottles in his arms, “but this?”

“They were on sale,” shrugged Shouta. “I stocked up.”

“These are 3-in-1! Shampoo, conditioner and bodywash? It’s like you’re doing this on purpose.”

“I am doing it on purpose. They’re cheap.”

Hizashi shoved them back into the cupboard, rushing over to the bag of products he’d brought with him. He had only brought the bag because it had a portable shower head. He’d never dreamed he would have to bring out the big guns.

“Let’s see,” he said, picking through the bottles within. “I think...this one.”

He planted it onto the sink next to Shouta and fixed the shower head to his tap. Shouta leaned over to read the label. Magnolia Sunrise . He recognised it, but he wasn’t sure where from.

He flinched as Hizashi turned on the tap and fiddled with the temperature, though closed his eyes the second water ran through his hair. It was soothing, but he’d never admit it.

Hizashi took in his relaxed demeanour and smirked, thinking how ridiculous this might look to an outsider. He switched off the water and gathered a little of the shampoo in his hands, working it up to a lather and then reaching towards Shouta’s hair.

“Eraser,” he said as he massaged the shampoo into his scalp.

“What?”

Hizashi had wanted to take care of his friend, that much was true, but he’d be lying if he said that was the only reason he had gone there. He had agreed with Nemuri not to act until after the sports festival, but a lot could happen in two weeks. He still believed you to be Shouta’s rebound and feared that if you checked in on him too much or spent too long at his house, the rejection would hit you far harder when it inevitably occurred.

Not only that, but he still didn’t know anything about the mystery woman, which bothered him far more than he would ever admit. He had known Shouta for half of his life and up until recently would have insisted he knew just about everything about him.

It was a long shot, but he hoped that if he asked the right questions, Shouta would reveal everything of his own accord. Not only would Hizashi be able to use the information to track down the girl, but it would also make him feel better about not knowing she existed. He couldn’t believe that he had missed out on such an important development in his friend’s life. He had always believed that he would be involved in every step of the journey if Shouta ever developed feelings for someone.

“Do you ever think about...dating?”

“Dating?”

“Yeah, like going to mixers and things, picking up dates.”

“Not really,” he said. “Why?”

“No reason,” said Hizashi, turning on the water again. “Y’know...it’s just that we’re at that time of our lives where people start thinking about that sort of thing. Even Nemuri talked about going to speed dating not so long ago.”

“Dating takes time and I don’t have much of it,” shrugged Shouta. “It doesn’t make sense to burden someone with a relationship when I’m not going to be around a lot of the time. And that’s assuming they’re not as busy as I am. If we were both busy, we’d never see each other.”

“But what if they were super special somehow,” said Hizashi, thinking of the triple breasted woman at Ego . “What if…what if you met them and knew they were the one?”

“I dunno. Why? Are you thinking about dating?”

Truth be told, Hizashi thought about dating a lot. He wanted someone to spoil with gifts and serenades, someone he could gush about on his radio show. He wanted someone he could sing with in the shower after fucking them in it.

“No,” he said, rinsing Shouta’s hair. “I just wondered, you know.”

Shouta didn’t say anything to that and he continued to wash his hair in silence.

“Eraser.”

“Yeah?”

“What do you think about (Name)?”

Shouta cracked open an eye, wondering about Hizashi’s motives. He had taken care not to drop hints at anything that had happened between you, though wondered if he hadn’t been careful enough.

“She’s a capable guidance counsellor,” he said. “Why?”

“N-no reason!”

Hizashi continued to wash his hair in silence. He hadn’t expected him to divulge anything, yet felt disappointed anyway.

“Now,” he said, “time for conditioner...and then we can go straight on to blow drying!”

“No funny business.”

Hizashi feigned innocence, as if he hadn’t brought curlers, making the most of Eraser’s inability to stop him.

“I don’t know what you mean!”

“Mhmm.”

__________

While Hizashi put rollers in Shouta’s hair, you sat up in the bath to reach for your shampoo.

Magnolia Sunrise.

The same shampoo that Shouta had seen on the morning of the reset.

_________

The games began two weeks later and you could barely hide your excitement. You had seen how hard the students were working for their futures and how proud their teachers were in turn. You couldn’t wait to see the fruits of their labours.

You had only ever seen the games on television and being on site was more exciting than you could possibly describe. Within an hour of your arrival, you had already picked up an array of masks and candies, ready to distribute them among your nieces and nephews. You also picked up a few boxes of candied apples. Tensions were running high and you were more than a little aware that it went both ways. Events such as this produced shocking highs and even worse lows. Candied apples wouldn’t fix everything, but it was a start.

1-A had gained the eye of both the general public and professionals as a result of USJ. Unsurprisingly, their stadium was the busiest. You were grateful to have a seat in the first place, let alone one alongside the teachers, with a clear view of the action.

The first trial was an obstacle course and it left you on the edge of your seat. You watched in a combination of shock and delight at the incredible improvisational skills of each and every student, so far removed from the kids you had given diaries to.

After the trial, when Midoriya, Bakugo and Todoroki crashed into the first three, you took a quick bathroom break. You had treated yourself to an iced tea before sitting down to watch the event and, as a consequence of the nervous sipping you had done, needed to pee pretty badly.

You bumped into Nemuri on your way out of the washroom.

Nemuri, much like Hizashi before her, had not only agreed to take a step back from interfering until after the games were over, but knew an opportunity when she saw one.

“Oh, (Name),” she said, “I found you just in time!”

“Is everything okay?”

“I passed Mic on the way here,” she said. “He said he needed your help!”

“He did?”

You knew that both Hizashi and Shouta were providing commentary for the games. You also knew that the commentary stands were quite far away from your current position.

“Yeah, he said it was pretty urgent!”

“I...uh...okay!”

If Hizashi truly did need you that desperately, you probably shouldn’t keep him waiting.

_________

Hizashi, needless to say, had not needed you at all. Nemuri had counted on him being as opportunistic as she was and snatching up the chance to have you and Shouta spend more time together. She had not, however, counted on Hizashi’s objectives being different to her own.

He and Shouta were going through the listings when you poked your head around the door.

“(Name),” he said, “it’s good to see you!”

“Hey,” you said, “need a hand?”

You assumed that, as he had asked for you directly, there was no need to specify that Nemuri had asked you to go. Hizashi assumed that, as you were a kind sort of person, you had come of your own accord.

If you had used different phrasing, perhaps the outcome would have been different.

“No, no,” he said, giving you the thumbs up. “Everything's a-okay, dear listener!”

“Are you sure?”

You wondered why he had asked for you specifically, only for it to turn out to be nothing.

“Positive! Certain!”

“Well, okay,” you said. “Just...let me know if you need anything.”

You left the commentary stand and descended the stairs, the rumble of the next round beginning. The next trial appeared to be a cavalry style battle and you picked up the pace to get back to your seat. Cavalry battles were always fun to watch and you were curious to know how the students would use their quirks.

Unfortunately, you passed Nemuri en route, who had just finished distributing ribbons to the students.

“Ah, (Name),” she said, “did you talk to Hizashi?”

“Yeah,” you said with a shrug. “Turns out he didn’t need me after all.”

Nemuri cursed under her breath, realising that she had underestimated exactly how oblivious Hizashi could be.

“I just spoke to him,” she said, tapping her earpiece. “He changed his mind...there is something he needs after all.”

“Oh,” you said. “Uhhhh...okay...guess I’ll go back.”

Just like that, you returned to the stairwell, biting back curses of your own every time you heard a crash from outside. You all but sprinted back up the stairs, hoping that whatever Hizashi needed wouldn’t take too long and you would still make it back in time to catch the rest of the cavalry battle.

Hizashi muted his microphone the second you came back.

“(Name),” he said, “what…”

“How can I help?”

Once again, you didn’t mention Nemuri. This time Hizashi panicked, no longer certain that your offers came from a place of selflessness. Could it be that you just wanted an excuse to spend time with Shouta? Would you just keep coming back every time he sent you away? A week ago, he would have loved nothing more than for you to sit with them in the stands, but now he feared the worst. He had to get you away from Shouta and quickly.

“I...um...yes! There is something you can help with! I want some of the...uh...the All Might mochi. Could you fetch some?”

The mochi stand was far from the stadium. The queue for it was at least a mile long. You had observed this yourself when you picked out treats that morning. You took his money, albeit begrudgingly, praying that the queue would have died down now that the second event had started.

Unfortunately, you were out of luck. Everyone in Musutafu seemed to have had the same idea. You watched the television screens as you took your place in line, mourning the amazing view of the action you would have had from your seat.

You decided to buy yourself some of the dango once you got to the front. You needed something to make yourself feel better.

The vendor sold out, though, before you could get even remotely close to the front, the cheers from the arena adding insult to injury.

You trudged back inside, resigned to the fact that you were never going to see the cavalry battle, only for someone to call out to you from a short distance away. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw who it was.

Masayama Akira. Commercial director of the Silver Edge group, an umbrella corporation that owned and managed a great number of agencies in the country.

Your ex.

Success suited him, you considered, eying his tailored suit and Italian leather shoes. He had always dressed well, believing that sometimes the illusion of wealth was enough to cultivate success, but you had been away from him for so long that you had almost forgotten.

“You...you look great,” he said, coming over to give you a one armed hug. “How are things?”

You didn’t look great and you knew it. You were hot and sweaty from running up and down the stairs and then standing out in the sun.

“W-what are you doing here?”

You hadn’t expected to run into him at the festival. Neither of you had attended before.

“I’m here on behalf of the group,” he said, sounding a little sheepish, “officially, anyway.”

“Oh, you wanted to get an eye for future investments?”

“No,” he said. “Actually, I was hoping I’d run into you.”

It was the last thing you had expected him to say and you prayed it didn’t show on your face. You hadn’t committed to his suggestion of going to dinner, nor had you made any attempt to contact him since the day of the USJ incident. You didn’t trust yourself to be around him. The breakup had wounded you and you weren’t naive enough to believe you were healed.

He looked good, though. You couldn’t deny it. You couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked without his clothes; the noises he made before he came; the way he would place his hand on the small of your back in public.

You’d missed him; missed the sound of his laugh and the softness of his kisses. You had caught a whiff of his cologne when he hugged you and every memory you had tried to bury came rushing back. You remembered movie nights; the cooking classes you had taken to become a good wife; the ugly socks and gloves you had knitted for him.

“I know you’re busy,” he said, “but I really would like to take you to dinner.”

“I’d love to,” you said before you could stop yourself.

“How about this week?”

“No good,” you said. “We’re organising internships for the next couple of weeks. What about the week after? They’ll be on their assignments by then and things should have calmed down.”

“Sounds good. Shall we go to the usual place?”

Your usual place was a French style restaurant near his apartment that was almost too bougie, with wisteria flowers growing around its windows and doors. You had to admit, you’d missed their house red.

“Do we still have a table?”

“Do you even need to ask?”

You laughed at that, only to jump out of your skin as a boom erupted from the stadium.

“Shit,” you said, turning back to him apologetically. “I can’t stay, I came to get some mochi for my coworker and there wasn’t any left and now I’m late and-”

“The All Might mochi?”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “I knew it was popular, but I didn’t expect it to be gone.”

Akira grinned.

“You mean this mochi?”

He lifted his other arm, showing off the distinctive white box with red, white, blue and yellow mochi within.

“Yes,” you said with a gasp, “you’re so lucky!”

He glanced from the box to you before shoving it into your hands.

“Here. Take it.”

“I couldn’t possibly…”

“Don’t think too much about it, we’ll just go Dutch at dinner.”

“I…” you stared at the box. “Okay…”

Your fingers trembled as you took it from him. None of it felt real.

“I’d better go,” said Akira, motioning for the stairwell. “I’ll text you later!”

You waved him off, stomach fluttering. You felt like a high schooler again, having a short conversation with your crush.

You took a deep breath and hugged the mochi to your chest.

“It’s okay, (Name),” you muttered to yourself. “It’s just dinner. It doesn’t mean anything.”

__________

You were still feeling a little giggly when you returned to the commentary stands with the mochi and Shouta glanced from you to Hizashi as you handed it over.

He thought back to the conversation he had had with Hizashi before the games, that he had mentioned your name not too long after he had brought up dating. He considered how enthusiastically you had been to keep coming to the stands, the flush across your cheeks as you handed over the goods, how quickly the pair of you had set up Support Mic .

Just like that, unbeknownst to everyone, Shouta added two and two together and made blue.

_______

A/N

IF YOU’VE READ THIS FIC ALREADY YOU KNOW WHAT’S COMING IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF CHAPTERS AAAAAAAAAA

IF YOU HAVEN’T

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Look, like... read this as exhaustion and not as mania because I’m just stream of consciousness babbling here but I really cannot shake the feeling that something about me is wrong and if only there was a way to fix it maybe things would be less *screams*. Y’know? 

Like... maybe I was born at the wrong time, or maybe I was supposed to be a different person but the universe got confused somewhere, or maybe I just screwed up so irreparably at a young age that it’s never going to be ok again. 

Every single aspect of my existence feels off. It doesn’t feel right. I feel broken and confused and exhausted and sad and angry and hurt and upset just... all of the time. 24/7. I wake up fighting back tears, and I do my best to hold it in until I can’t, have 2-4 crying breaks a day, then spiral into anxiety in the evening and eventually pass out. 

And it’s been that for like... 2 months now. And I can’t shake it. 

And part of it is me, but part of it is the world. The world is awful and so much of it is unfixable. Like I genuinely don’t see a lot of things improving. At all. 

Which then leads to “If I’m broken and the world is broken, why am I here? If I’m just here to suffer alone until I die, why am I here?” 

Which apparently is called “existential depression” as I learned tonight, and is heavily exacerbated by the last, oh, you know... 5 years of absolute hell and world wide trauma that’s been happening.

But I genuinely don’t even know how to be happy right now. I can’t. I fake it around my family and then I go to my room and 99% of the time just instantly break down. I fake it at work, and 2-3 times a day I go to the back room and breakdown before I pull it together and go back to work. 

I’m just exhausted. I just want to exist in peace and I don’t know how.  

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[peaceoutofthepieces]

Title: Lucky Me

Square Filled: Date

Pairing: Jens Stoffels/Lucas VDH

Trigger Warnings (if applicable): None

Created for @skamevents

I spent all day writing this. Got very distracted by Sander cutting his hair. Happy Pride Month ❤️

~^~

Lucas isn’t surprised when Jens tells him to come over. That isn’t an unusual occurrence. Now that his family knows about them, Lucas is there almost more frequently than he’s in his dad’s flat. So on the short trip to Jens’s house, Lucas isn’t thinking about anything out of the ordinary. 

Then Jens opens the door, and he looks nervous, and Lucas thinks maybe this isn’t the usual invite. 

“Hey,” Jens greets, leaning forward to kiss Lucas on the cheek with a twitchy smile. Lucas brushes a hand through his dark hair and draws him into a proper kiss, carding through the short strands at the back of his neck until he relaxes. 

Then he pulls away and returns, “Hey.”

Jens tugs him inside and shuts the door, taking Lucas’s coat once he’s shrugged it off his shoulders and hanging it up in the hallway. He takes Lucas’s hand and pulls him towards the sitting room. Lucas follows easily, though watches him with a curious gaze. It turns completely confused when Jens stops them at the door and turns around to place his hands on Lucas’s shoulder. Lucas raises a brow. “Are you okay? You’re kind of freaking me out.”

“Okay, so. Maybe this was a stupid idea, and we can totally just ignore it if you want. My parents aren’t home so I mean we can—if this just seems boring or pointless to you I’m sure we can find other ways to spend the time.”

“Jens, what are you talking about?” Lucas laughs slightly. “What are we doing?”

Jens bites his lip, then gives a broad roll of his shoulders and opens the door. 

The lights are off, and the room is instead lit by a string of multi-colored Christmas lights. They’re hung over what appears to be a carefully constructed blanket fort. The inside is lit up by the glow of Jens’s laptop and stuffed with a variety of pillows and cushions and more blankets, but that’s not what catches his eye. 

“Is that a Pride flag?”

Making up the back of the fort, hung on the wall and lit by the Christmas lights, is a rainbow Pride flag. Lucas looks at Jens, at the awkwardly nervous expression still on his face, and he begins to understand. He only needs to make sure. “What is this?”

“It’s a date.”

“A date?”

“Yup,” Jens pops the ‘p’, turning to look at Lucas fully with another smile. “To celebrate the start of Pride month.”

Lucas stares at him. 

Jens’s smile falters, and he lets out a sigh before taking Lucas’s hands. “Okay. I noticed you’ve been kind of...quiet the past few days, and especially today, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I was talking to Robbe, after he posted this morning. And you always comment on Robbe’s posts, but this time you didn’t, but he told me you messaged him instead. He was talking about how weird it was, how he never expected himself to be making Pride posts with his boyfriend and planning to go to the parade and how he was a little freaked out by all of it. And I realised you probably are, too.”

He squeezes Lucas’s hands and Lucas looks down, taking in a shaky breath. He shouldn’t be surprised, he supposes. Jens has always been able to figure him out, to understand what was going on in his head even when Lucas couldn’t. He’s always been good at putting him at ease. “And you’re not.”

“It’s more that...I’ve never really thought about it. It’s never felt like a big deal. I like you and it doesn’t matter what that makes me. It doesn’t feel any different. Being bi, it was never some big hard realisation for me. I’ve never had to do anything about it. But I have been thinking about it. I know what it can mean. I know that things like Pride month, and everything, can feel great but I get that it can be scary. And I wanted to remind you that it doesn’t have to be.”

He lets go of Lucas’s hands to cup his face, taking a step closer and keeping their gazes locked. He strokes his thumb over Lucas’s cheek as he continues. “Being with me doesn’t change anything, and whatever time of year it is doesn’t change how you should be with me. There’s no...pressure. That’s not what it’s about. The people that matter to us are proud of us. We know we’re proud of us. You know that I love you, and I know that you love me. That’s all that matters.”

Lucas can only keep staring at him. Jens simply smiles back, and keeps stroking his face, and eventually tilts his forehead against Lucas’s, and Lucas leans up and kisses him. Jens responds immediately, wrapping his arms around Lucas’s shoulder as Lucas pulls him closer by the waist. He hadn’t really expected this from Jens. Jens is always a giver of silent support, but romantic gestures aren’t really either of their things. He’s heard Jens express his opinions before, knows that he can get passionate about the things he cares for, and is suddenly honored to realise he’s one of those things. 

Jens presses a kiss to his cheek, his jaw, and his temple before resting his lips there and adding, “The fact that you still need time doesn’t change because this month tells you you should be loud and proud. You are proud. And I know you’d defend Robbe or Sander or Milan or me or anyone else in a heartbeat. But you’re allowed to want to be private, and comfortable and safe.” He gestures at the fort. 

Finally, Lucas smiles at him. He draws him into a tight hug and presses a kiss to his jaw, then tucks his face into his shoulder. “That was very cheesy, and I can’t believe a blanket fort is what you came up with.”

“Hey, blanket forts are awesome.” Jens gives him a squeeze. “And harder to design than they look. I put a lot of work into this, y’know.”

“I know,” Lucas says quietly. “Thank you.”

It had been a decision Lucas made and Jens agreed with when they first got together. At the time, Lucas wasn’t even out to his friends. Since then, they’ve come a good way. Lucas had wanted to come out to Kes and Jayden and the rest of his friends back home first, feeling they deserved to know before his new group. Jens had waited, claiming that if he came out to his friends they’d figure out why immediately. They’d thought through each step before taking it together, and all of their friends and families know. Lucas had even managed to tell both of his parents without feeling like the words were being choked out of him. 

But Lucas still doesn’t feel like he’s out. 

He isn’t hiding. At school, if he meets up with the guys for lunch, he’s okay with sitting down right next to Jens and pressing a kiss to his cheek. At the skatepark, he’s okay with sitting in the circle of Jens’s arms at the top of a ramp. But they aren’t as free with their affection as Robbe and Sander are. Lucas isn’t as open and sure as Milan. He hasn’t made any kind of public declaration, whether that be in his life in Antwerp or Utrecht or online. 

It isn’t that he isn’t proud. It isn’t that he’s embarrassed. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to show Jens off. It comes from something deeper down, an innate anxiety of portraying this part of himself that people may disagree with, or disapprove of. A deep rooted fear of hurt and danger and hatred. Being with Jens almost strengthens the fear on the worst days—it isn’t only himself Lucas wants to protect, but someone he loves. He would never forgive himself for hurting someone he loves. And he loves Jens a lot. 

He also knows that that isn’t fair. Not to his friends or his family or his followers, or even to Jens, but to himself. He knows that, while he’s scared, it’s worth the risk. Jens, his feelings, and who he is—it’s worth the risk. 

He just needs a little bit longer to feel ready to take it. He just needs to take a little time. Until he gets himself into a better headspace. 

Of course, Jens does make it easier. Jens makes every aspect of Lucas’s life easier. His love makes it easier for Lucas to love himself, in a way he’d never let himself think about. 

Jens kisses the crown of his head and hugs him for a few moments longer. “So, you wanna see how comfy this thing is?”

“I’m pretty comfy right here,” Lucas hums. 

Jens huffs and steps away from Lucas, giving his hand a tug. He ducks carefully under the blankets, crawling in on his hands and knees. He settles himself carefully amongst a mass of cushions with a pillow tucked behind his back. While in the process of pulling a blanket over his lap, he realises Lucas hasn’t moved. He raises a brow in question. “Are you joining me?”

Lucas smiles and climbs in beside him. He settles in against Jens and lets him throw the blanket over their laps. Jens draws him in closer with an arm around his shoulders and Lucas lets himself relax into him. 

“It is really comfortable,” he admits. 

Jens lifts his laptop into his lap and says, “Told you. So, what do you wanna watch? Netflix doesn’t really have the best Pride date selection but I don’t have anything else, so…”

Lucas hums and considers it. “Something that we haven’t seen before? Something funny, if that exists. Or at least not that sad.”

“So, not Call Me By Your Name again. Okay.” Jens scrolls through the movies and eventually snorts. “King Cobra?”

“If I’d known you were trying to set that kind of mood I would’ve told you to just skip the movie part.”

Jens laughs. “What about...Alex Strangelove? That looks not-so-painful.”

“Sure.” Lucas doesn’t really care what they watch. He always pays more attention to Jens anyway. 

Here, like this, with Jens next to him and his warmth wrapped around him, he feels at ease. This is his comfort, his warmth, his safety. He takes pride in it, sure, but more than anything, he finds joy. The anxiety that had been building all day and over the past week has finally given way to a sense of peace. 

After a little while, he gives up. He twists himself around to face Jens and turns his face towards him, leaning up to give him a soft kiss. “You know, I am very proud to be with you.”

Jens hums and smiles at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m very proud of myself. I know what a lucky catch I’ve made.”

Jens snorts. “That’s good, you should be very aware of that.” He kisses Lucas’s nose. 

Lucas raises a brow. “You’re not going to say you know how lucky you are to have me?”

Jens hums and turns away, pretending to think hard about it, before he turns back to Lucas with a shrug. “Nope.”

“Nope? Are you serious?”

“Yep.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“You’re adorable,” Jens returns, pressing their foreheads together. “And I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

Lucas hates that he blushes but enjoys the warmth as it seeps through his chest, spreading comfortably down into his stomach and leaving him molten. “That’s better,” he whispers. Jens hums again and then they’re kissing, film still blaring quietly in the background, Jens’s laptop resting safely on a distant cushion. “Where’s your bi flag?”

“Don’t have one,” Jens shrugs, mumbling the words against Lucas’s lips. “Stole this from Milan.”

“I can see you really put in a lot of work.”

“I can see you’re very grateful.”

“I’m trying to show you how grateful I am but you keep talking.”

Jens laughs and falls back against his pillow, grinning wide as he looks up at Lucas. Lucas props himself up on an elbow to keep looking down at him, hovering his torso over Jens’s and leaning down to kiss him again. 

“Hey,” Jens protests. “I had this all planned out and you’re not even watching the movie.”

“Maybe we should’ve watched King Cobra after all.”

Jens laughs again and pushes his face away, so Lucas gives in and lies down beside him. He flings an arm over Jens’s chest and cuddles close to his side, pressing his smile to his shoulder in the form of a light kiss. Jens slips an arm under his shoulders and traces patterns on his back, content smile on his face as he determinedly focuses his gaze on the film. 

“Jens.”

“Shhh.”

“Come on,” Lucas pokes him. “Jens.”

“God, okay,” Jens jokingly rolls his eyes before looking over at him. “My plans aren’t good enough for you, I get it. What?”

“Can we take a photo?”

Jens blinks. He tilts his head back as his brow furrows. “Why?”

“Just,” Lucas shrugs, struggling to find the words. “I thought it’d be nice. With the flag.” 

Jens’s lips form a small ‘o’. 

“Nevermind,” Lucas says quickly, lying back down on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “It was stupid.”

“Luc. Hey, Lucas.” Jens places his finger under Lucas’s chin and tilts his head up again, trying to meet his eyes. “Look at me. I didn’t say it was stupid.”

Lucas bites his lip. “I don’t—it’s not like I—“ he cuts himself off, sighing. “I just wanted it for myself, I guess.”

“Okay,” Jens says easily, already sitting up and pulling Lucas with him. “You have your phone on you?”

Lucas slips his phone out of his pocket as Jens wraps an arm around his shoulders once more. He tilts his head against Lucas’s as Lucas opens his camera. They’re far enough away from the wall that the flag is completely visible behind them. Lucas’s hand is steady as he snaps the picture, bringing it close then to examine it. It’s innocent enough, no different to photos he’s taken and posted with Kes before, if not for the flag behind them and the somewhat tender smiles on their faces. Something about the atmosphere or the vibe of it makes its intentions clear. 

When Jens turns his head to press a kiss to Lucas’s cheek, Lucas takes the hint and snaps another photo, feeling his smile grow wider as the warmth in his chest expands. 

It takes almost two months for those photos to be seen by anyone but them, when Jens posts the relatively innocent one and allows Lucas to post the other and makes his point extremely clear. 

He captions it ‘Always proud to be with you’.  

Jens is the first to like and comment, with a simple ‘lucky me <3’. 

[ofmermaidstories]

Ok so this is a loaded question but I’m really fascinated by character studies and analysis, even when it contradicts what I have in my head. I just think it’s so interesting, y’know, the way everyone interprets the same character on their screen/pages differently. So for Katsuki, where do you think he falls short in relationships? I’ve heard people say it’s his temper tantrums and his angry demeanor, I’ve heard people say he just doesn’t have time and will be moody becuase of work stress, I’ve heard he’s too immature and emotionally stunted. Hell, I’ve even heard people say he would cheat on his partner. I personally partially do and don’t agree with these (everything’s a spectrum) because in my head, he will grow immensely throughout his years at UA and the years he spends as a prohero. And obviously, it depends on who his partner is and what their needs and wants are in the relationship. But purely on Katsuki’s part, where does he fall short? Where does he mess up? Let’s pretend his partner is someone who does understand the tolling workload of a prohero and the risks and sacrifice required of it, so let’s rule out lack of time. What about his character (not his job, friends, or family) is lacking?

First off, you need to come off Anon and be my friend. 😌🌾🍊

Secondly — everything under the cut. I talk a lil about Depression and Anxiety and Domestic Violence (just the existence of it, really, and some Endeavour talk do NOT @ me,,,)

Hm. This is actually the second ask I’ve had recently, asking/talking about a stressed Katsuki. The first one — which I’ve yet to answer, I’m sorry, I am getting there — was one asking how I thought Katsuki would apologise, after a fight. But it kind of stumped me, because like... we’re literally seeing in canon, right now, how long/how hard it is for him to apologise when he knows he’s in the wrong.

I’m with you, Anon, that I think everything’s a spectrum — some aspects/headcanons I agree with more than others. I think, for my personal interpretation of where Bakugou Katsuki would fail in a relationship, it would be quite simply: himself.

An adult Katsuki would need patience — and most of all with himself. And I think, given what we see of a teenage Katsuki in canon, that he would be the last person he’d extend that patience to.

I think Katsuki would let his temper fray (seriously fray) like, one time — and that would be it. No one likes being shouted at, least of all by someone they love, and it’s instinctual for us to like, flinch (I’m a crier, lmao — if you yell at me I will sob, and that is a threat). And it’s one thing to talk about all these hypotheticals, as we’re applying them to fictional characters, but it’s another to live through a relationship with someone in a high-pressure job, someone who has a volatile temper. Without that situation turning to physical domestic violence, the arguments alone — when you have them — are enough to be emotionally exhausting, for both parties. Global statistics on male perpetrators in domestic violence are high for a reason (this isn’t discounting male victims of DV, or female on female DV crimes, but they’re part of a larger and more indepth convo than I am qualified to have); but humans get mad. And when it’s a man getting mad at you — a man who, if we’re still going with Katsuki, would simply be more physically powerful than most of us (especially with that Quirk) — it’s a noticable dynamic. A notable power imbalance.

I don’t mess with character interpretations that would have Katsuki being violent, towards a loved one — I see why people would, though, and as much as I hate All Might for saying that Katsuki and Enji Todoroki are similar, he is right. Not that Katsuki is as dangerous as Enji has been, in the past, but in that they are both intense men (or will be, in Katsuki’s case) that can hyperfocus on the wrong thing. An adult Katsuki, by the time he’s at an age to have a proper, grown-ass adult relationship, will have spent his formative years being told — oh, you’re a lot. You’re ferocious (thanks, Jean-y baby). You and Endeavour are the same (fuck you, All Might, you withered bastard — go back to mooning over Deku). You know, being told by a top ranking Pro Hero he’s too wild. By his idol that he’s similar to a man he now knows - thanks to his gremlin earsdropping - has been abusive to his family in the past.

All of this — his past experiences with his own temper (*cough* whaling on Deku *cough*), what he’s been told about himself, knowing himself — on top of being hella perceptive (and knowing, exactly, how threatening it would be for a quirkless civvie partner to be faced down with an angry Pro Hero boyfriend) would be a disaster. It would be all it takes to prove to him that he has no right being in a relationship, with anyone. He would shut down completely, I think. He’d be sorry and contrite and frustrated, because he’s not good at communication at the best of times, right? So right when it’s so vital, whatever hardwon skills he’s gained in adulthood would utterly fail him — he wouldn’t be able to articulate what he needs to in that moment he needs to, and that would frustrate him more. I could see him just up and leaving — slamming the front door, disappearing for a day or two, maybe coming back at some ridiculous hour, silent and scared.

After that, it would be his partner vs. his self-perception, his sense of self-worth. Every niggling doubt he’s had (I’m never around, I can’t take them out on those stupid dates, when I’m finally home I’m either asleep or they are — ) would slam up with the serious, heavy stuff (the yelling/temper), and would just serve to compound the worst of himself.

Honestly? I see being with a man like Katsuki meaning standing with him in a lifelong battle with his darker twin — and the thing is, there are some fights we can’t take on, for the people we love. It’s why things like depression, anxiety win (for as much as I hate that term). You can reassure him (with actions, since that’s so important to him) that you’re still there, you still love him, that you believe you’ll be able to work through everything — but I can see it being really ugly, sometimes. Katsuki would be a commitment — one that no one would be obligated to take on for the rest of their lives, no matter how much you love him. And his first failing would always be to himself.

[innittowinit]

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (Chapter 18)

Fic summary:

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary:  

Wilbur and Techno go to school, eat lunch, and go to class B)

Chapter word count: 2209

AO3

School lunches were…..well they were school lunches. No matter how many people they painstakingly explained why they were the way they were to, there were always people that just never seemed to get it. That was fine, neither Wil nor Techno had ever asked for understanding, having learnt far too early that that was a big ask, instead they would gladly settle for respect. All they had ever really asked for was basic respect, all they wanted was for people to accept that they were going to stay together and that, no, Techno was not going to talk to them just because they gave him notes from class one time or helped clean his desk.

Teenage boys didn’t really seem to grasp the concept of respect. When they saw something they didn’t understand their reaction was to mock it, to make whoever was doing it so humiliated and ashamed that they wouldn’t dare make them confused ever again. Again, Techno and Wilbur both had a lot of experience with this, they knew what bullying was like and what was happening right now didn’t feel the same as the kids that had hurled insults at them in primary school. Nothing was physical anymore but it still hurt when they walked past the ‘popular’ group and they could hear the muffled conversations being had about them.

Wil had always been much more of a people person than Techno had, maybe that’s why it bothered him so much more that the fact that they were close seemed to confuse everyone else so much, Techno could tell that Wil desperately craved for a group of friends their own age that understood them and didn’t question it. Unfortunately, people like that were hard to come by.

They had Niki and they had Eret, that’s all they needed.

“It’s a nice place to chill out” Eret hummed as they led the twins out towards the school field, all three boys holding their lunches in their hands as Eret had said that today was a nice day and they’d be having a picnic outside instead. Technically, year 9’s weren’t allowed on the field at lunch anymore, at least not since Quackity (as he had been nicknamed around the school) stole a duck from the lake that bordered it. It was lucky that all three of them were pretty tall for their age, meaning they blended in well with the year 10’s that were playing football on the main section of the field, with the added bonus that nobody in that year really knew them so that meant no harassment.

Eret had led the twins to the very back end of the field, all the way to the rocky border of where the lake began, only stopping when he reached an old oak tree that’s trunk was considerably wider than any of the boy’s torso’s, taking his seat on top of his coat against the tree’s bark.

“What’s up with you guys today? if you don’t mind me asking, if it’s personal or anything that’s fine,you’re just not normally this….touchy? With each other. I probably worded that bad but you understand what I mean right?”

Wilbur nodded and then glanced to Techno for permission to tell the story, who simply shrugged in response. Both boys took their seats next to the tree and began unwrapping their lunches as Wilbur sorted out the events in his head, everything had happened so so fast and in slow motion, seemingly simultaneously, giving it a hazy and confusing feeling to try and look back on. He supposed that’s just how panic attacks felt in hindsight though, the adrenaline would make things feel fast and stressful of course, while the long reality gave it a much slower feeling than what was true.

“Techno got stuck in a shed yesterday” Blunt. It was easier to simplify it, Wilbur realised.

“Huh? How’d that happen?”

“I got in a fight with these boys who live near us, Techno got overwhelmed and left, the door got stuck and I freaked out. I dunno I didn’t realise i was being more touchy than normal but if i am it’ll probably be because I’m still a little bit shaken up I guess”

The fact that it had been brought attention to made everything seem a lot more obvious, suddenly he felt far more self conscious about having held Techno’s hand all day, about how he skipped music in favour of sitting with his brother in French, hell, even about how he had shifted himself when they sat down so that even when they were eating their knees were still touching. He hadn’t wanted to admit it but all the thoughts of whether or not he was ever going to see Techno again had culminated into a big ball in his stomach that seemed to grow whenever Techno stopped touching him. The reassurance that everything was okay was so so important to him and even if it was embarrassing to realise that he had been clinging onto his twin the whole day, he had known Techno long enough to know that if the touch was getting to be too much, he’d let him know, otherwise he’d just let him burn out all the anxiety until he was sufficiently reassured that nobody was planning on abandoning him.

After what had happened yesterday, Phil had called up their therapist and booked an ‘emergency session’ (Wilbur didn’t think it was an emergency but appreciated it nonetheless) so they could have a professional help work through what had happened. As much as he’d like to provide everything his brothers could ever need all by himself, he was mature enough to realise that some things couldn’t be handled by a 16 year old boy, he loved his brothers to bits and that’s exactly why he wanted them to have every chance needed to get better; the idea of them having to wait multiple days until their usual appointment made him feel a bit sick, they’d gone through something incredibly scary and they deserved to feel at least a little better before then. Said appointment was scheduled to be directly after school today so he wasn’t too stressed about clinging onto Techno for a long time anyway.

“Oh i didn’t realise it was something like that, sorry for bringing it up” Eret sighed, clearly a little guilty after having seen Wilbur try to decide whether he wanted to let go of Techno and be scared or stay and be clingy. He seemed thankful that the decision had ended up being to stay ‘clingy’, he wasn’t sure how he’d deal with it if he put Wilbur through all of that again just from a poorly worded comment.

Techno shook his head, glancing about a bit before deciding that nobody was paying them any mind. “You’re fine.” He muttered, patting his hand on Eret’s shoulder and tearing off a corner of his sandwich, popping it in his mouth afterwards, chewing a bit before talking again. “It’s not the first time it’s happened. Wil’s gonna be fine”

With a little nod, Eret visibly relaxed, of course it made sense to trust Techno on this topic far more than his own instincts, he’d known Wilbur far far longer and they did everything together. The confirmation that whatever damage wasn’t permanent seemed to provide some kind of comfort to him.

There it was again, Techno thought, that immediate acceptance. No questioning. No badgering. Nothing. He knew well enough that there were aspects that Eret didn’t fully understand since he hadn’t lived their life but the fact that he never once tried to press them to talk more than what they were comfortable with, or ask exceedingly personal questions like some people did, it just made Techno, at least if not Wilbur too, feel very seen and heard.

Many times in the past they’d been ‘friends’ with people who were really just using them as some kind of badge or token like- ‘oh look at me! I’m so nice I managed to get the weird kids to talk to me’. It always made Techno sick to his stomach when he realised someone he had trusted would betray them like that, to simply use them and nothing else. Techno was sure that Eret was not like this, he was real and down to earth and good, everything about him screamed trustworthy. At least now they had a good, real friend, who both of them were incredibly thankful for.

“Oh shit” There was a beeping noise coming from Eret’s phone, causing him to chance at the screen and groan “I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you later i guess if we have any classes together”

With that, she packed up her things into little ziplock bags so they wouldn’t spill in her bag and closed everything up, backpack swung onto her shoulders before she waved and jogged back to the main school.

---

School was pretty uneventful the rest of the day, after lunch they had had science (or Techno had science and Wilbur refused to go to his own classroom) and Techno’s violin lesson.

“I’m not going anywhere y’know?” Techno sighed as they waited in the empty corridor for his teacher to show up, Wilbur latched onto him like a lost puppy.

“I know but every time you go behind a door or anything my head gets so loud and it feels like you’re gonna get stuck again. I don’t wanna annoy you, it’s just hard”

Techno sighed and pat Wilbur on the head, he wasn’t really up for a long conversation right now considering that even though the corridor was empty, it could quickly become not empty.

“You don’t annoy me, Wilbs”

In all honesty that was only half true, of course he would never have any strong feelings of anger and annoyance at his brother when he was only doing what was necessary to feel safe but when he was being grabbed and prodded at all the time, there was admittedly a part of him that wished they’d been brought up normally. In any case, any anger that came from Wilbur getting clingy at times was never directed at Wil himself, instead it was more so towards their parents for causing the damage in the first place.

“I’ve got both today? Oh that’s just great, go on in boys!”

Techno was brought out of his mind by his violin teacher walking up, a kind smile on her face as she greeted them. She had been one of the few people who accepted them for them from day one, of course at first she’d been a little hesitant considering she was only being paid to teach one boy but once Wilbur explained that he didn't even own a violin and he was just there because they did not split up she seemed to be fine with Wil sitting in during the lessons. Plus, it was a lot easier having someone who could translate Techno’s little shrugs and grunts.

Taking his violin out of the case, Techno situated himself in front of the music stand, flipping his folder to the piece they had been working on recently, Wilbur pulling up a chair and holding onto one of his belt loops, not wanting to grab his arm or anything big like that right now since playing the violin kind of needed your arms.

“Are we carrying on from last lesson? Getting lots of practice in at home, I hope!”

Techno nodded to both questions, he hadn’t really practiced as hard as usual but the week had been eventful so that was fine.

“Okay then, can I check if you’re tuned up? and then we’ll get started”

Leaning against the wall shortly afterwards, Techno handed the woman his violin, giving Wilbur a sympathetic smile when he saw the boy staring off into space. Surely he had places he would rather be than listening to Techno play his music, he didn’t even play the kind of music Wilbur liked! God. Times like this reminded him why he shouldn’t give up, it reminded him that getting help wasn’t going to ‘break’ the special bond they had, instead it would only strengthen it since they’d both have the freedom to do what they like.

“There we go!” “..Thanks”

The rest of the lesson was best described as peaceful, as different as Techno’s Classical violin concerto’s were to Wilbur’s indie guitar songs, he really did love listening to him place. There was a certain calmness that resonated whenever he did so, a wave of serenity that only painted his face whenever he was completely engrossed in a piece. The music was always things Wil would never go out of his way to listen to and if it wasn’t his brother playing he was sure he wouldn’t have such a strong connection to the music but right here, right now, listening to the careful notes was almost like a compulsion, beckoning him to stare at the dancing bow that was being pulled against the strings in a complete virtuosic pattern.

And so, as the beautiful music decorated the air, Wil decided that everything was okay, no matter how messed up they were, everything was going to be okay.

[pascalpanic]

Hi there Josie! First, I want to say how excited I am for you for reaching 1,000 followers, you so totally deserve it!!!💕 I love your writing, it makes me so happy and I get so excited when you post something new because it honestly makes my day, and it seems like you really enjoy writing :). So this is my first time asking for anything from any blog ever, but I’d like to ask for a ship request!

I guess I’ll start with the basics: I’m 19, 5’1”, my pronouns are she/her, and I have blue eyes and medium brown hair. I’m currently looking at universities that I might potentially attend, as I’m in the middle of my gap year. I really have no idea what I want to study, but I’m leaning towards journalism and/or women and gender studies. If I were to be able to give a voice to people who otherwise wouldn’t have one, or to help amplify theirs, then that would truly inspire me. I’m a Sagittarius Sun with a Taurus Rising, so I’m adaptable and adventurous yet can be stubborn and hold a grudge for eternity if I deem it necessary lol. And honestly, sometimes those grudges are irrational or unjustifiable, but that’s just a part of me being me haha.

My childhood was pretty traumatic for various reasons that I won’t bore you with, but because of that I have a hard time trusting/getting close to/letting people know the real me. It isn’t imperative that my partner shares trauma with me, but I think it would help me not feel guilty subjecting my partner to my own if they were to have some sort of knowledge about it, whether from dealing with their own trauma or having known how to handle a partner with panic attacks, etc.

Although I would consider myself adventurous, I get quite a bit of anxiety trying out new things. I think if I had someone who knew what just the right amount to push me was, then I would have a lot more fun, and, more importantly, hopefully they would too. I really like hiking, cooking, going to museums, the movies... I think if I had the right person, I would really enjoy anything we did together, no matter what it was lol.

I’m also pansexual. Because of my unwelcoming upbringing and my own social submissiveness, I have a hard time expressing my sexuality publicly, or with anyone for that matter lol. Like with the trauma thing, my partner doesn’t have to have the same sexuality as my own, but it wouldn’t hurt if they were comfortable in their sexuality. And to throw in some ✨spice✨, because why not, I really like being submissive. Y’know, the whole being choked, spat on, called a good girl, overstimulated type of deal. If I had a partner that I could gaze at clouds with on a breezy day while having a picnic and then go home and get absolutely manhandled, that would just be *chef’s kiss*.

Hopefully that gives you enough info about me! Sorry if that was lengthy, but I wasn’t entirely sure what was important enough to include or omit, so I decided to just throw in a whole bunch of stuff. I’ll call myself 🌷anon if I decide to send in another ask to you. If that’s already taken (which I apologize to whomever it is if it is!), then I’ll go with 🐄anon. I hope you have fun writing all of these ship requests, and thanks in advance! :) 💘🌷💜

hello my dear!! you are now 🌷 anon!

I would ship you with Din Djarin!

You need someone to rail you? Enter Din. This man has been so repressed, kind of like you, for a long time. Din is bisexual himself but very closed off about it, and that’s something the two of you could connect over when you come out to him- you’d have to say it first for him to admit it. Din is a very sweet guy, but when he has sex, he fucks, and hard. He’d be exactly what you want in a partner in that aspect!

I’m glad you’re adventurous, because Din is going to push you quite a bit out of your comfort zone. He’ll keep you back when he’s out on a hunt, but you’ll get to encounter all kinds of new species, animals, and cultures while you’re on board the Razor Crest with him. Speaking of, there’s one little green creature who would absolutely adore you, almost as much as his dad. You and Grogu have a battle of wills every night over bathtime, because the both of you are hella stubborn. Din secretly thinks it’s hilarious but wouldn’t say it.

Din has been through some shit. He understands what it’s like to live with the weight of trauma on your shoulders, and he’d be very understanding and patient with you should any anxiety or panic arise. He’s completely awestruck over you, how your passions are so novel and you’re so strong-headed. He’d be truly head over heels for you, and that would make it much easier to open up- he considers himself a very good person to talk at.

it’s a party! come submit a request UNTIL MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, CST, and I’ll ship you with a Pedro character!

[adonis-koo]

Burn The Stage

(Prologue)

Description: While being interviewed for the upcoming YouTube series Burn The Stage you reminisce on how you came to join the boyband known as BTS

Pairing: None

Word count: 5.1K

8th!Member AU

Part 2

Masterlist

“How did you find yourself joining BTS? Like the name suggests a boyband, is known for it to be all boys, how did you break that standard?” You shifted comfortably in your seat, the producer of Burn the Stage, a Youtube series BTS had been currently working on, and of course you had been thrilled to participate in, asked you in his seat from behind the camera. Currently you were being interviewed on the most obvious aspect of the band.

Upon first view all eyes usually went to you at first due to being the only girl in the group- in any boy band and probably defeating its name. 

You gave it a little though, tugging on the ends of your hair as you reflected back to how this whole mess had started- how you ended up becoming the first ever girl to penetrate the cult of boy bands, despite the camera rolling the staff had told you to take your time and to answer.

“Well,” You licked your lips, your expression thoughtful before busting into a smile, unable to keep a somber expression for so long, making some of the crew unconsciously smile as well, “I was originally hired on at YG when I was a trainee, I was extremely enthusiastic and hard working but things ended up not working out with my group. I was really upset at the time because I assumed I was going to have to go home. My parents paid for my hotel room but I spent the whole night running on an energy drink and desperation to find an audition to attend before I went home.”

-----

Looking down at your dance bag you could almost see your life flashing before your eyes as  swallowed harshly. Briefly you couldn’t help but ask yourself what were you doing? What in God’s name were you really doing here? In the moment it sounded like a good idea, you had always been impulsive in nature, but you were left with no other choice!

Now that you had actually gone through with your insane idea, and you were here you could feel your hands become clammy and an anxious pit in your stomach beginning to form. 

What happened if they found out? Would they just kick you out? It didn’t matter now, you were here and that’s what mattered. It’s not like you actually had a chance of being cast there was well over thirty other boys in the room and you were like a dwarf in comparison.

See your dilemma was the fact that you actually thought crossdressing was a good idea to audition for a boy band that was scouting to add a new member to their group- they hadn’t even debuted yet, but they were going to be later that year and it was perfect! 

Again not like you had a chance, there was, admittedly a lot of flaws in your ill thought of plan but it didn’t make the idea of actually debuting any less exciting. You had originally been scouted at YG but...well, things didn’t work out with your group.

You had already been working hard going on two years, determined to put yourself out there and onto the stage no matter what it took- unfortunately your fellow bandmates didn’t share the same passion for performing as you did. The other three members ended up walking out after being too impatient waiting to debut, leaving you ultimately without a group, rather then pair you up with a new set of members though YG ended up letting you go, saying there was just too much talent for you too compete with and ‘you never stood a chance’ between them.

-

I’ll never forget when he sat me down in his office and told me that,” You glanced down at your lap, your expression a little downcast at the memory, you’re heart had been crushed and you could barely make it out of his office without crying, you had just been a kid with a big dream at the time, “It was crushing to be told that y’know? And for a moment I almost believed him, but I was a spiteful kid, like- I’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed.” You joked while laughing, smiling cheekily up at the crew. 

---

You were crushed by his words but both spite and anger coursed through your entire body soon after, anger because your bandmates couldn’t hack the harsh conditions of training and lack the patience it took for your group to get its well deserved spot like. You can't necessarily blame them as competition between other predebut groups were tough but still, whatever chances you did have debuting were now zero.

You were without a band and without a company, your parents lived all the way on the other idea of Seoul and had paid for a hotel room for the night and were scheduling you a bus ticket back home, your mom, though pitying your crushed heart, prompted you to come back home and just live a normal teen life, you had already been robbed of two years for hard work and zero gain. But you couldn’t imagine life without performing! You loved it like no other, you loved people and the energy of a crowded room and therefore, even if your parents didn’t believe in you, even if the legendary YG told you himself you were hopeless, you weren’t about to give up.

You had spent the whole night raking through websites on line in hopes of finding band in need of a member, or a company holding an audition and there was, unshockingly close to none. But with a stroke of luck, you did find one company that was holding an open audition- It was some no name company called BigHit who had few other groups. 

It was your one last hope before you’d be carted off the next day and driven home back to your dull life. But there was catch- They were only accepting male trainee’s and naturally it was for a boyband- You were not a boy.

-

“I had this really bright idea,” You licked your lips before shaking your head with a wary smile, “And by bright I mean stupid- I really don’t know what possessed me to crossdress but I was desperate, the only option I could find was BigHit and y’know they have the whole ‘No female trainee’ thing, and like…” You pressed your lips together, glancing towards Namjoon at the back of the room who was facepalming while stifling his laughter, “That’s pretty...self explanatory right? I mean obviously that didn’t stop me but still, I’ve never been able to take a hint.”

-

Your hair had been pinned back flat against your head as you adjusted the hoodie you had on, you had been so paranoid they’d recognize your true nature to the point you even wore a hat  for extra security under the hood and even if they couldn’t see your face you still felt out of place. 

Despite your appearance it wasn’t hard to pick you out of the group of thirty guys, who were all warming up, you just so happened to be small and petite in frame which made you stick out like a sore thumb, why did you think this was a good idea again? It was three am when you applied, and in amidst yours desperate sleep deprived frenzy you really didn’t think this through properly.

You were only 14 (internationally speaking) but still, for someone who was supposed to be a guy you sure didn’t feel like it. 

Looking down at your feet you bit your lip before kneeling down to dig through your bag. Grabbing a medical mask to put around your face to heavily conceal your identity. They’d be lucky to even see your eyes at this rate but that was okay, this was all just for experience, right? You had a nagging feeling that those words would come back to haunt you but you stood up as tall as your short legs would allow you before stretching along side the rest of the boys. 

Who were for the most part quiet despite a few murmurs here and there. 

Originally you weren’t gonna tell your parents you had found an audition, given the...awkward position you put yourself in. But unfortunately they had gotten an email from YG letting them know about what had happened with your group and hence why you were now desperate to find a group before they could cart you back home.

You loved your parents dearly but they were very hen like with you, and it wasn’t that they didn’t believe in you- they just wished you’d have chosen a more practical pursuit suited for your age. You had stopped them in their tracks when you said you had found an audition to attend- leaving out the requirements of course. 

-

“Were your parents against the idea?” The producer asked curiously, making you instantly snort out a laugh as you nodded.

“Oh yeah they didn’t even like the idea before they knew it was a boyband, I wish I could put into words the lecture I got when it came out I was a girl and I had to call them, one of the most traumatizing moments of my life by the way.” You chuckled along with everyone.

-

Your parents wouldn’t have liked it regardless, they were already heavily wary of you going into a shotty building, it was certainly wore down and had seen better days. It didn’t look anywhere near as polished as what you had been used to seeing every day but...

Your eyes flickered around the hallway where everyone went about warming up. The lights occasionally flickered and the flooring was particularly stained from age that no amount of head cleaning would ever remedy. 

It had seen better days yes, but you didn’t necessarily care about the outside appearance nor reputation- to an extent. All you wanted was to perform on stage, it could’ve been for ten people or ten thousand, you would have cared less. 

The door to the studio opened and your heart almost leapt out of your chest as an explosion of anxiety swept through your stomach, one of the members presumably had come out. He greeted everyone while waving them in, you certainly didn’t miss the flash of well built biceps from his muscle top, running a hand through his inky black hair as you sank further into your hoodie, okay, now you were scared.

You were one of the last to file through the door, a buildable table was set at the front of the studio where three chairs sat, two of them filled and one vacant, “Welcome and thank you for coming,” The one on the left greeted, his hair stuck out the most to you, it being styled up into a short mohawk style, vastly popular in the industry right now and you supposed, it made sense. 

You did briefly go over the bands description, it was labeled as a hip hop group. Admittedly this was a big leap from your, slice of life, pop girl group. Really, what were you thinking? You couldn’t stop asking yourself the question over and over again in the back of your mind. 

“We’re currently looking for one more member with a good dance background before we start composing, since we’ve received vocal samples from everyone already we’ll be focusing on a choreography that we’ve put together from one of our demo songs.” 

He waved over to the boy who had originally signaled you all in, “This is one of our main dancers Park Jimin, he’ll be teaching you all today. This is Jung Hoseok,” He waved over to the other person sitting beside him, his black spiked hair and piercing eyes made you feel void in the stomach, technically you’d be performing for them. 

It was all a bit unnerving, his eyes, though warm looked calculating, on a good note it meant he was serious about finding a new member. You had been on the other side of the coin at one time when your group had been looking for one last member, unfortunately all of your band mates weren’t as serious as you had been about it.

“And I’m Namjoon, the leader of Bangtan. I’ll let Jimin start the audition off, we’ll be taking notes up here so ignore us from now on.” 

Right...wait what? Taking notes? You felt dumb for being so caught off guard, you had took notes when your group was scouting for a new member as well. Technically you were both a lover of people and socializing but...you were at an awkward age and your shyness had really started to bloom as of late this year. 

Clapping his hands together Jimin walked towards the center of the room,  having most of the introductions out of the way he spent little time talking before diving into the choreography. You had begun to relax as you marked it through, this was more of your territory, you had been the lead dancer of your group so you had felt particularly comfortable in this aspect. 

The movement did not though, there had always been a huge emphasis on the girl groups doing more feminine and provocative choreography while the boys did more powerful and difficult. Too which you rather envied, it was actually rather fun having the pleasure of doing a different style of dancing. 

Furthermore it was a fair bit more challenging than what you had been doing, not that it was a bad thing. You always loved a challenge. Maybe that’s why you had been so determined to try out regardless of their strict male only policy.

Staying towards the back you had finished the chorus of learning before Jimin had cued the music, doing it once with you all before he let you do it on your own. You had did fairly well and was proud of yourself for staying in time with the music while not messing up, how well you actually performed, was in question though. 

Not like they could’ve seen you among the sea of other black hoodies worn by all of the other auditioners, but for your own personal sake you liked to do your best whether or not there would be any fruition to it.

Sitting with your back pressed against the wall you had pushed off your hood, face and hair still concealed by your hat but damn did it get really hot while dancing. 

You had shoved the baggy sleeves up to your elbows before pulling the mask down to take a drink of water before quickly pulling it back up. Taking a few more breaths as you waited in the lobby. 

All that was left was eliminations which was debatable on how long that would take. First they’d scrap all the ones they weren’t interested in and continue the audition, doing so until the last few people stood. 

The door did eventually open, causing your head to shoot up as you pulled your hood back up, Namjoon, the leader as he called himself was holding up a clipboard as he spoke, “First I’d like to thank you all for coming, as you know some cuts have been made. If I call your number please go back into the studio.” 

You had already started packing up, suspecting that you probably hadn’t even been seen when he called out, “Number 16.” Freezing for a split second your gaze shot up in surprise. 

They...they actually saw you? Dancing? It took you a moment before you set your bottle back down, trudging unsure of how to feel as you went back into the room. 

A little over half the group had been cut and you figured it would be like that this round as well. Jimin had sat down at the table and you noticed a remarkable difference in his expression, an almost childlike grin on his face turning him into a totally different person as he lightly joked with the other person- Hoseok if you remembered correctly who was also beaming down at him with a smile that could compare to the sun.

Noticing Namjoon coming back into the room he ruffled the boys hair before standing up, he and Jimin must’ve agreed to switch off. And admittedly you quite admired Hoseok’s technique, he was an excellent teacher and had focused on several points on how it should not only be done but performed as well. 

The next part was a fair bit more difficult but nothing you couldn’t do. You had messed up the first few times due to nerves, you were still in the back but the sea of black hoodies had become more of a pond now and easier to see you. 

When you had done everything all together, both the part Jimin and Hoseok taught you were surprised you hadn’t snapped in nerves.It was over all too fast but you still had regret, you could’ve done much better but hadn’t. 

The bigger part of you was relieved though, you weren’t really sure what you would do if were actually chosen, they weren’t hiring on the spot anyways, right? Regardless of how it was done, you weren’t going to be chosen, one out of so many people was such a slim chance. 

The anxious part of you said that was still a possibility while the competitive side of you took it as a challenge. Over all your headspace was a mess.

-

“I have a bad habit of being competitive in the wrong moments,” You voiced allowed, eyes focusing ahead on the floor as you mumbled it out before glancing up towards the camera, “It’s gotten better over the years and the older members would always scold me for it, but back when I had first joined BTS...well it was the reason I joined BTS.” 

-

How you were called back in the room was genuinely beyond you. At this point everything started to tune out of your head, not quite processing anything that really happened anymore. How you kept up with choreography and continued to perform was definitely beyond you as well. 

As the audition progressed the pond of people slowly whittled down into a puddle of people. Only six left including yourself. Your hands were stuffed into your pockets and you were honestly on cloud nine, surprised you even caught their leaders words, “Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far. We were unsure if we’d need to hold the audition in sessions but you’ve all progressed nicely and I think we’ll be able to finish today.” 

Today!? 

You almost felt the beads of sweat on the back of your neck, at first you had dismissed the idea of actually being picked but now with only six left. The possibility had become very real and you were genuinely becoming concerned. 

You couldn’t join a boy band, because it was a boy band! You weren’t even close to being good at pretending else wise! It was a goddamn miracle you could even lower your voice to sounding like a prepubescent boy when you sampled an audio clip for the audition. 

Your mind had inevitably went blank as the audition continued, nearing the bridge of their demo song as they continued the choreography. You had been praying hard that you wouldn’t be called back in the room but god wasn’t in the mood for playing games today as you heard your number called again. Your water bottle was near empty and the plastic had become ragged and crinkled from your nervous grip.

It was just you and two other people now as Namjoon announced this would be that last elimination round. But there was a twist, by the bridge of the demo you’d all be allowed to freestyle the choreography to demonstrate artistry. What if you froze up? Maybe that would be for the best.

Did you freeze up? You didn’t, in fact you found your body moving on it’s own, languid and fluidly as each step you performed came to mind one after another before resuming the last set of eight of the choreography before finishing.

Sitting slumped against the wall you sighed while picking at your fingernails while mentally grasping from straws of desperation. Realistically there was no way you could fit the image they were looking for. You were a foot smaller than anyone else in the room and looked like you might as well have drowned in your hoodie. You couldn’t exude testosterone even if you wanted too. 

Suddenly you found yourself being knocked from your sitting position as a shoe came in contact with your side. Scrambling you hurriedly attempted to stand up as a sharp pain throbbed in your side. 

One of the other audition contestants, number 27 had pulled his mask down. Sneering as he looked down at you, “Would be a shame if didn’t get the part right? Kinda fit the criteria, don’t I?”

Standing up you frowned not saying anything, only to be shoved into the wall roughly, “Don’t I? Look kid no offense but you don’t look a day older than twelve. All I’m saying is, wouldn’t it be fair to just revoke your place in the audition?”

Ah, so he was gonna try and force you to resign so he’d win the position. Biting your lip you felt a wave of over competitiveness take over you. What a sore fucking loser, anyone who had to bully their way to the top was obviously insecure enough to think they weren’t good enough on their own.

Not your problem. You suddenly shoved back as you replied, attempting to lower your voice as much as you could, “It’d be a shame if they found out their potential member is a total asshole.” 

It really wasn’t a good idea to shit talk a guy who had at least seven inches on you. But while you may have been in an awkward transitional phase, you- by nature weren’t a push over. He may have been older but being a foreigner meant taking on a foreigner attitude and Londoners were not to be fucked with. 

-

“I’m probably the first person in the group to jump into a fight-” You hummed out before giving a sheepish laugh, looking a bit embarrassed, “Not like, screaming or yelling- but I’ve never been a push over a day in my life. If someone is trying to force themselves on me- their opinion, argument, anything- I’ve never been afraid to stand up for myself, maybe the spite has something to do with that?” You joked while giving another laugh.

-

Regardless of age a dick is a dick that didn’t deserve respect in your book. His nose suddenly scrunched up, looking ready to pummel you as he grabbed you by the collar lifting you up, “You even sound like a little kid.” 

You had instantly grabbed his wrists in an attempt to not dangle, right to cap him in the crotch with a your knee but the sound of a door to the studio opening had cut off his sentence.

“Are we interrupting something?”

The other boy instantly dropped you, giving a tense smile though he shot daggers in his eyes at you while stiffly straightening your hoodie,  “No of course not.”

Namjoon, the group leader exchanged unspoken words with the other two members as the other boy wearily backed away from you. Glaring harshly at him you huffed, crossing your arms defensively before turning to face the band.

Clearing his throat Namjoon clasped his hands, “I just wanted to thank you all for coming here to participate in the audition, it really does mean a lot to me and the others. But obviously only one person can be signed off. It was a difficult cut to make but we have a lot of confidence in our decision.”

Dread suddenly filled your stomach as the three of them turned to face you as he gave a congratulatory dimpled smile, “Congratulations and welcome to Bangtan.”

Shit.

---

The whole car ride was anything but silent as you awkwardly wrung your hands. They seemed nice, you had even forgotten your identity crisis at how much they had put you at ease. One thing you had learned quickly in the idol industry was how fake it was on the inside.

How it was set up it was and how it was made to be craved and idolized much like the idols themselves, just everything, it was all synthetic. 

The biggest was groups who only smiled at each other when a camera was around. You had quickly found out most of groups relationships were built on publicity and nothing more your original group at YG was no different. Leaving nothing but a void of friendship and warmth when all of the cameras were put away. 

Bangtan was not one of those groups.

Seeing them all smile and banter made you realize, these people weren’t just a group, they were real friends. That was when you realized why they were able to put you at ease.

You found yourself smiling and laughing alongside them, you were currently riding from the studio to the company building Bighit to start discussing the contract before signing it. 

“You’re gonna love the other guys! Taehyung’s been really excited for a new member.” Jimin, while he certainly packed in muscle was a softy at heart as he gave a warm smile, he wasn’t as talkative as the other two in the car ride, but you could detect he was more shy than anything, which made his muscular build, both ironic and endearing.

“Other members?” You sheepishly rose your eyes brows, remembering to keep your deeper voice up despite it beginning to hurt your throat. Not like they could see your expression anyways as you had been too scared to peel your mask.

You felt dumb for not looking at more of the groups background but too be honest, you never really thought you’d actually make it this far. 

“Mhm we have four other members. Seokjin and Yoongi are the older and the other two Taehyung and Jungkook are the youngest.” 

You had gotten a sense of their ages as well given how they formally addressed one another. Wait so this was a group of seven? Which meant you’d be the eighth.... Duh, of course but that was a lot of people. You only had three other girls in your group so this was gonna take some time getting used too.

“Don’t worry! None of us bite despite the looks,” Hoseok gave you a pat on the back as he spoke up chipperly noticing your nervous disposition, and he was right, despite his intimidating appearance he had a heart of gold and a knack for making you feel at ease, “Not a lot of the members have experience with dancing, which was why we were looking for someone with a solid foundation. Your application said you’ve been dancing for nine years right?”

Nodding repeatedly you fumbled out, “Yeah! Um...well I’m trained classically, I’ve been dancing since I was about six I think? I began to branch out though when I got older, I have a fair bit of experience in modern, contemporary, jazz as well as some hip hop. It’s not my strong suit though...” you fumbled out a tad embarrassed as you played with your fingers looking down as you felt your face becoming hot.

Jimin suddenly rose an eyebrow as he replied, “Really? You could’ve fooled me. You’re pretty good at holding your own when it comes to adaptability then! See!” He turned to Namjoon, “I told you I had a good feeling about him!”

Him, you gulped at the pronoun, maybe you should’ve just told them right at that moment, that you in fact were a her. But your mouth stayed glued shut, it was such a refreshing change of pace to see people who were actually friends as a group. Surely it wouldn’t hurt to stay for just a few days, right?

-

“I’m gonna be honest with you,” You sighed, trying to keep a straight face, “I was a dumb kid,” Everyone suddenly bursted out laughing not expecting you to say such a blunt statement, making you smile brightly, “No seriously! I was dumb I remember when I was riding with Namjoon, Hoseok and Jimin to BigHit to sign my contract and I was like, oh staying for a few days won’t hurt! But like- That’s not how contracts work,” You gave a loud laugh, slapping your thigh at the memory, “You don’t just sign on for seven years then after three days be like- Yeah this isn’t for me! I mean I was 14, I didn’t really understand how legality worked in a contract. ” Calming down you gave a nod though your smile was still bright.

-

Arriving at the office you had been formally introduced to Bang Si Hyuk, he was nice enough and you all had begun discussing your contract. 

Seven years, the contract wouldn’t be renewed until 2019. That was a long way away and there was no telling what you’d be doing at 22 years old, where would you be? Who would you be? And would she have found success on the other side? You wished you could ask your future self what the future would hold, and if this was a good decision, or a bad one?

They had told you to not rush the decision of course and if you needed time to think it over you could always reschedule. Swallowing thickly you gripped the pen tightly.

When would you have another opportunity like this? And if you didn’t cease the moment while it lasted you’d be carted off back home to an unknown future.

Suddenly you leaned down, signing your name. You cemented your life to this group for the next seven years. You were officially apart of Bangtan, caught in a lie.

-

“I remember wondering where my life would be after I signed that contract,” You hummed out, your expression finally calming down from your silly interview with Youtube’s staff, “And if I had made a good decision, it was a scary moment for me. Because I didn’t know what was going to happen, or what I would do when I had lied about who I was. But,” You furrowed your brows glancing down at the table in thought, “It was probably the best decision I could ever make, it hasn’t been easy, but that’s only made my journey, my home with BTS that much more rewarding. I’ve always wanted to do nothing more burn the stage, I loved it so much that I was willing to risk my own identity-” You suddenly cracked a smile, “And possibly a lawsuit- which Bang was kind enough to not file for when they found out I was a girl by the way.”

[avengersassemble-fics]

im quite literally shaking typing this so sorry if it jumps around

this is in regards to the new post i published tonight.  a kylo x reader fic i was excited to share with you all. it was different from what i have been used to writing (marvel, happy go lucky, everyone is happy and no problems in the world yadayada) it was different and i wanted to write things that were different from when i first started this account eons ago it seems. i wanted to make this comeback in 2020 and it started with my mando piece i had began working on in november. then the anakin one followed after i rewatched revenge of the sith and rogue one (how THAT inspired it i don’t know what to tell ya).

one thing i felt i had wanted to write from now on was making my character (the reader y’know) stronger. more capable. didn’t need to always be saved. because i felt like i didn’t need to be saved anymore. i feel like im in a place in my life now that i know not only my worth, but that im important enough to be my own person and not rely on “is that guy gonna text me back” or “he really just wants me to come over to suck his dick and maybe if i do!! he’ll realize im the one!!” or just honestly sitting here just waiting for something to happen.

anyways, that didn’t make a lot of sense but it feels important to me.

i started the kylo piece a few days ago. if you know me then you know that i have not enjoyed the new trilogy. at all. every time a new movies is released i would express that in a post. it was disappointing considering i love this fucking movie franchise, but then again i know jj abrams. i saw it with the star trek reboots, and i just had that inkling when it came to these movies (but that can be discussed at a later time). the point is, i didn’t really like the new movies. recently, with the clone wars series coming out again, i have been on disney + like there is no tomorrow.. literally, locked in my room and just eating and watching these movies again. everything again. ahsoka tano is that bitch.

skip this part if you dont want spoilers for the fic i guess:

the force bond between rey and kylo was the key aspect of the thought for this fic (honestly along with the anakin one but it hadn’t happened yet so spoiler i guess). i wanted to explore what that would be like with two people, working closely together, and that resentment turning into friendship. that was my plan in my head. to have the two become friends as kylo tried to figure out why they were connected, and the reader trying to figure out what had happened to her family. the connection was supposed to bring up these memories of her life as an orphan, but before that what had happened to her family, her home, her village, and the truth behind that was going to have her leave the first order. 

that was going to be the story. unfolded slowly to really build up some kind of trust. one thing i knew i would be able to accurately portray is the fact that kylo would not just easily trust someone. it would take time

now i had never written kylo before. i honestly just kind of went off on a whim of what i thought an asshole who didn’t care about anyone would treat another person (i mean the boys ive had to deal with would really put kylo to shame fuck dude). so, he destroys things. doesn't care about who is around, doesn’t care that someone has to fix that, right? because it happened to me. no one cared about how they would treat me and how that would affect me. i had to clean myself up after that, and not feel so fucking worthless.

that’s the feeling i was going for. that’s part of the reason why i mentioned that in the fic about being a maintenance bitch. because having to repair something over and over again is aggravating. and i thought the wording was funny. i wanted the reader to come off as a cool and doesnt fucking care about what they say because they’re confident in the fact that they know what they’re saying is right. witty, cool, and not afraid of a guy who throws literal tantrums!

i think im getting off base but--

i did not write this fic thinking that within the first hour or two tafter publishing hat i would get a message from another author saying that this was similar to their work. my heart dropped when i got the notification. and low and behold, i read the first chapter of theirs and yup yeah they are pretty damn similar.

of all my years on here i really never thought that i would be sitting here in the dark, writing like a mad woman, because it looks like i blatantly copied someone else’s work. because i would never do that. i would never go and copy someone’s ideas because i know that thinking it would happen to me has plagued my mind ever since i started posting on here.

in case you were wondering, the other name of the fic is called “fix your attitude”. it was posted a few years and it is so widely popular that i can’t believe ive never seen it. by the first chapter i can tell you its great and go check it out. really, please do.

i guess im writing all this as an apology to not only that author, who is so so sweet and understanding and isn’t upset at all, but also to those who see me as a copier. i never.. god i really never thought this would happen. i guess great minds think a like..? aha? i promise i would never ever do this to anyone. and im so so sorry that it looks like i have.

i think im done for the night. again. im so sorry to those who this may have upset. and to that author. if you’re reading this im sorry again, and thank you for being so sweet.

xoxo

caitlyn

ps- the only reason im not tagging the other person is because i hate feeling like im bother people and she has enough to deal with as it is about this (hence the few people who messaged her) and my anxiety is syaing no dont do it but another part of me is saying if you don’t, thats shady you stupid bitch so here’s that.

[wearesorcerer]

The Best Spell to Use on an Opponent

Wish.

Obviously.

...but let’s say you don’t want to cast a spell that drains XP (3.5), requires a ginormous diamond (3.P), or can make you unable to use magic ever again (5e) and regardless of edition requires you to outthink the DM so as not to get screwed over.

I’ll give you five really good effective options.

#1: FIREBALL

This is a classic for several reasons:

Fire as an invention was (and still is) an incredibly useful tool for constructive, supportive, and destructive purposes. No other energy type provides quite as much utility.

It deals a lot of damage relative to its level.

It has a long range.

The size of its AoE is rather large, if you stop to think about it.

The sphere is the best AoE shape. (”Chain” isn’t an AoE or a shape, it’s a selection of targets within a distance regardless of shape.)

This makes fireball versatile. Sure, there may be more situationally appropriate choices, but if that’s a major concern for you then you probably want to play a Wizard. Wizards* invest in wands of fireball so they can get the versatility without sacrificing their edge (variety). We’re Sorcerers here: be the wand of fireball, save your gold for something more precious.

To cite a fantastic example, in Futurama: Bender’s Game, Bender ends an encounter with a red dragon by using his wand of fireball on the river upon which his party had been canoeing. By doing so, he provides them a wall of steam to conceal their escape. Voila: fireball acting as fog cloud/invisibility/any other sense-impairing spell. Lots of spells can be used in clever ways; fireball happens to be well suited for that task, as I’ve illustrated.

*In 3.x, at least. In 5e, Wizards prepare like Pathfinder!Arcanists, which is like getting to cast like a Sorcerer but being able to switch out your spells known every day. Easy? You bet. Already overpowering for a class that was one of the best classes in the game? Ya betcha!

#2: Many Enchantments and Illusions

We’re talking effective, not necessarily ethical.¹  When Enchantments and Illusions do not outright end/bypass encounters, they tend to set them up for something else to have an arbitrarily easy time doing so.

#3: Shatter

You can break things - like the ground beneath someone’s feet (if only in a small patch) or their weapons or whatever. This is one of the many uses for fireball, but as it has a harder time killing things (and tends to ruin what phat lewt you would otherwise get), it’s not even #2 on this list of “good spells that come to mind.”

#4: (Baleful) Polymorph

5e removed the supremely unethical aspects of this spell by merging it with polymorph and making the duration shorter. By doing so, a PC caster doesn’t risk damning themself to Tartarus for permanently changing someone against their will into an animal of a different phylum and in so doing erasing their minds. On the downside, now there’s not really a way of making most villainous mages from folklore and mythology, either.

(All of the humor from this comment is gone!)

Regardless of duration, though, turning an opponent into a small (but still visible), slow, and harmless creature (like a sloth) is a surefire way of ending a fight, whether or not you squish them. Turning them into something bigger (llama), faster (cat, dog, rabbit), sturdier (turtle), or more dangerous (dog, blue-ringed octopus, viper) is where people go wrong with this.

#5: Temporal Stasis (3.x only)

There are lots and lots of spells which impede movement; these are, in general, good choices. Most of them have some sort of drawback or common resistance.

Not temporal stasis.

Timey-wimey effects are few and far between in D&D because they’re almost always considered too powerful for one reason or another. Time stop doesn’t even work like it should: you can’t do anything DIO does with ZA WARUDO!

{Time crunchy noises.}

Why? ‘Cuz D&D makes it a way of giving yourself buffs or casting delayed blast fireball a few times and nothing else: in 3.x, you can’t affect other creatures period; in 5e, the spell ends if you try to do so. You can’t simply attack people (coup de grace them, throw knives at them, drop steamrollers on top of them and then pound them into the pavement) - or even move them down flights of stairs repeatedly. ‘Cuz that would be OP for a ninth level spell to do.

(Mind you, sleep is a 1st level spell. The main differences are that there are a few different ways to resist it [which are fairly common] and it has an HD/HP cap. You can still use it to coup de grace most monsters you encounter.)

Since such spells are rare, there’s not really a (Time) subschool or [Time] descriptor to resist and what monsters there are that have specific resistances to such effects are few and far between. (They’re usually high-level creatures themed around time magic [usually preventing time travel] and the resistances are inconsistent because of the lack of codification.)

Thus, you get temporal stasis flying under the radar. For some reason, trapping someone motionless in time (against which there is almost nothing that can resist) is fine and dandy, even if it’s permanent! You can do all of that and it’s only an 8th-level spell!

Now, you might be thinking that you could reproduce such an effect with imprisonment in 5e. You’re probably correct. The thing is, imprisonment in 5e is the equivalent of 3.x’s spell of the same name (the burial option, referencing one of the versions of how Nimue/Viviane/Morgan le Fay trapped Merlin) merged with maze (extradimensional labyrinth option; the other “hedged prison” descriptions also include versions of the Merlin myth) and binding (all of the other options). Of the three, it works most like binding outside of the general options - specifically the casting time.

In 3.x, imprisonment, maze, and temporal stasis don’t take a minute to cast; they only take a standard action (equivalent to an action).

That means you can use them in combat without much problem.

Imprisonment (3.5 version) includes temporal stasis in its effect. You might think that’s a good thing, but it’s not. Why would I waste one of my precious 9th-level spell slots (let alone a supremely rare 9th-level spell known) on a spell I could replicate with a spell one level lower (temporal stasis) and move earth (a 6th-level spell)? Yeah, that’s two spell slots, but y’know what I can use a 9th-level spell slot for? Wish. Metamagic. A lot of really useful spells, less situational spells. Za. Freakin’. Warudo. On top of all of that, there are ways to resist Abjuration effects; they aren’t common, but they exist.

Maze has the spell slot problem, plus it’s fairly easy to escape one (DC 20 Int check once per round or just wait 10 minutes) and not only are there ways of resisting both Conjuration effects in general and (Teleportation) effects specifically, but they are also more common than either of the other two options. (With two minor adjustments, Kobold Press made a “lesser” version available four spell levels earlier.)

Temporal stasis, by contrast, is a Transmutation effect. That school happens to be overly broad, so there aren’t many things with blanket resistances to it. There are plenty of things which resist (or are outright immune to) polymorphing and similar, but not time magic and not the Transmutation school. It’s main drawback is that both freedom and dispel magic can end it and these are listed as options, not as the only things which can do so. It also has a costly material component (5,000 gp of gem dust from diamonds, emeralds, rubies, and sapphires), whereas the other two do not. At 16th level, that’s a small price to pay for something that won’t have easy resistances. (Mind you, all three are affected by Spell Resistance, so it’s not like any of these are assured victory.)

Still, you want to put a villain out for good without killing them? This is how you do it. I’m not sure it’s any more ethical than straight-up murder, but in theory you could end it before eternity passes them by.

¹ I kinda wanna talk about how the typical approach to the subject of ethical vs. unethical casting (especially from semi- or non-casters) is the height of hypocrisy. Not entirely, though, but that’s likely the anxiety.

[project-stormblessed]

1-50

Alrighty!

1. What color are your socks?

All of my socks are either completely black or black and gray. Lol.

2. Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Only once when I was like, 12 or 13 making a second Youtube account lol.

3. What is something you regret in the past month?

Becoming distant and isolating myself from most of my friends. Quarantine has not been good for my mental health tbh.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Honestly? Not sure. Part of me doesn’t, and part of me does. Can’t really get either part to agree one way or the other.

5. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper? Definitely well over a decade ago. Honestly can’t remember.

6. How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

I was 11 or 12, and it was my older brother Jack who taught me. He also taught me how to drive lol.

7. Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

We get along well enough. Now that they’re retired the house is a much calmer environment.

8. What’s your favorite season?

Spring. I love seeing everything in bloom—the colors are very pleasing to me. I love seeing lots of green, and lots of lush plantlife.

9. Do you currently like someone?

Hmm, not entirely sure about that one. I guess I don’t really have any strong feelings for anyone in particular. Maybe. 👀👀

10. Have you ever used an Ouija board?

Nope, and I don’t plan on it.

11. What’s the last song you sang?

It was a song for choir this past semester, though I don’t remember the title that well or the composer.

12. What’s your favorite scent?

Never really had a favorite scent, honestly. My sense of smell has been pretty dull/weak for as long as I can remember and I’ve never really given much thought to any favorite scent.

13. What’s your favorite urban legend?

The Roswell UFO incident of 1947. It sparked my interest in aliens and UFOs at a very young age, and is probably responsible for a good deal of my love for sci-fi.

14. What’s a bad habit that you have?

Poor self control when it comes to time management. I tend to let myself get absorbed in things.

15. What’s a strange habit that you have?

Hmm. Totally blanked and could only come up with “making noises and pretending to be a mech of some sort when moving around my house”. That’s all I got.

16. What’s the first instrument you learned to play?

Piano. I started learning at 8 years old.

17. How would you describe your ‘type’?

Y’know funny enough I’ve never really thought I had a type. However reaching my mid-twenties has made me realize that my ‘type’ is kind, compassionate, goofy, and nerdy/geeky.

18. Would you rather stay in or go out?

Depends on the company, I guess. Though, usually I prefer to stay in anyway.

19. What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“I’m taking Dax out.” When I went for a walk with my dog lol.

20. Do you want to get married someday?

Definitely didn’t used to. I’m at the point where I’d be down if my partner wanted to, though I’m not sure I’d wanna spend a shitload of money on a wedding. Guess it depends on financial status at the time and the preferences of my partner.

21. Have you ever snuck out?

Nah, though I never needed to. My parents typically let me leave house whenever I wanted to as long as I told them who I’m with and when-ish I’m going to be home.

22. Can you sing well?

I can match pitch pretty well, but I can’t produce pitch un-aided. Usually. So kinda. I’m ok at best, all things considered.

23. What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

I went off on some of my friends over something kinda silly because my mental state as of late hasn’t been all that great.

24. When was the last time you went sledding?

Uhhh, definitely more than ten years ago.

25. Have you ever liked/do you like someone you know you can never be with?

You kidding me? That’s like, all of my crushes ever. Maybe that’s an exaggeration but honestly it’s certainly FELT that way each time.

26. Do people often mispronounce your name?

No, though I have known a few people throughout my life that said “Bin” rather than “Ben”. I eventually realised it was an accent thing and stopped giving a shit very early.

27. Would you like to live in another country?

Yes, actually. For no small number of reasons. I’ve always wanted to live in Italy ever since I visited when I was 15.

28. Do you like to watch ghost hunting shows?

I definitely used to. I don’t really watch tv much in general anymore, though.

29. Who was the last person you said “I love you” too?

My mom.

30. What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Social interaction. Speaking in general. I’m MUCH more articulate in writing/typing than I am speaking.

31. Have you ever stayed up with someone who was sad?

Yes, and I’m always willing to do so.

32. What was the last thing you cooked?

I helped my good friend prepare some bomb ass ramen a few months back. I guess that counts.

33. Do you think you’d make a good parent?

I’d like to think so, yeah. I would make sure my children know I’m always there for them and will support the hell out of them.

34. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

I don’t, but my dipshit body does.

35. Where is your best friend right now?

All of them are either playing video games or asleep.

36. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Factoring in every aspect of the morning ritual, about 40 minutes. That’s if I’m going somewhere like work or school. If I’m staying home then there’s no getting ready for anything but sitting on my ass lol.

37. How late do you usually stay up at night?

Depends on the time of year/what I’m doing the next day. Right now during quarantine I average anywhere between 2am and 6am. I’m trying to fix that currently.

38. When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I truly cried was sometime in 2015. I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s latest album and feeling exceedingly lonely/depressed. It wasn’t a great day.

39. Have you ever won a contest?

None that I can remember, honestly.

40. Can you draw well?

Lol. No. I have very little visual artistic talent or skill.

41. Would you ever date someone you met on tumblr/the internet?

Definitely, though obviously I wouldn’t just jump right in. I’m down for long distance relationships, too. But obviously mutual trust and emotional connection would have to be established first.

42. What was the last thing you ate?

Some brownie fudge M&Ms lol.

43. Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend?

I don’t really know. Never been in a relationship so I don’t have anything go off of. On the one hand I’m super understanding, laid back, and accepting of boundaries. I just want to make sure people feel comfortable and safe around me. On the other hand I’m also forgetful and very selfish when it comes to my time. I also obviously have plenty of emotional trauma/baggage (who doesn’t?) that tends to impede how I interact with people, so. 🤷🏼‍♂️

44. Have you ever had a near death experience?

Not that I can remember, and I hope I never do. The closest I think I ever came was when I fell off a ropeless bridge into a dry riverbed at 4 years old. Got a concussion from that.

45. What do you think people think of you?

Well, my anxiety tells me I’m annoying and boring. The logical side of me tells me most people in my life enjoy my company, so I guess there’s that.

46. What is your middle name and do you like it?

Don’t feel like sharing my middle name here, but I will say I don’t dislike it. Kinda neutral.

47. Are you close with either of your parents?

Kinda. My parents were often emotionally distant/abusive to my brothers and me growing up, and it’s left me rather stunted emotionally, and generally unwilling to establish a deeper relationship with them. We’re a bit closer than we were when I was a teenager, but honestly not much.

48. Do you like yourself?

Generally speaking? No. There are parts of me I’m proud of, but honestly I often find myself wishing I was someone else. I’m far from the self-loathing I experienced when I was younger, though.

49. State five facts about your appearance—

1. I’m 6’1”-ish.

2. Definitely just a bit chubby.

3. Blue eyes.

4. Currently sporting longer hair because I haven’t had a haircut since about September.

5. I have a number of faded scars on my arms from various self inflicted/work related injuries. All of them were caused by extreme clumsiness/poor spacial awareness.

50. State five facts about your personality—

1. I’m super goofy—I make lots of weird noises and motions.

2. I tend to ramble about things I’m interested in, particularly hyper fixations.

3. I like to think I’m a pretty compassionate human being.

4. Extremely awkward, but strangely that doesn’t show because I’m apparently a social chameleon.

5. I’m an observer, but also an overthinker.

Whew, that was a lot! Thank you, friend!

[ja3minz]

ahhhh i love matchmaking!! uh im old (old ass bitch out here), i'm a sarcastic and snarky person with a pretty short temper and i crave control in every aspect of my life lmao. i have a lot of anxiety, but i'm really submissive when it comes to sex type stuff probably because of that, oop - uh, i love video games, i'm kinda chubby and i'm like a solid 5"5 maybe on a good day. idk what else to put here lmao other than that when i say old i mean like, before 98 🍃

i match you with...doyoung!

i dunno i just kinda feel like doie would be that one, even though you’re snarky sometimes, he’d be so patient with you. and honestly he’d go back and forth with you too, it’s not like he’d just sit there y’know? like y’all are the kind of couple that playfully bickers but he would take a bullet for your ass.

[ matchmaking requests are closed! do not send anymore! ]

[looselucy]

The Forgotten Family

February 10th Harry had hold of my hand under the table, thumb circling over my skin, acting innocent as we sat waiting for our food at PJ’s, enjoying a bright Sunday morning with Niall and Lincoln.

I was enjoying being so sly with him. Before, our secret had been locked within our homes, rarely pushing boundaries or acting at all suspiciously when we were out in public. I liked that we were now holding hands and our friends who were right there with us were none the wiser. “So how was your date last night?” I asked Niall. “C’mon. I wanna hear the gory details.” “Y’know what, it actually went well.” “What?” Lin cried. “Why do you sound so shocked?” “I don’t think you’ve ever been on a date that’s gone well!” He cried. “You usually come back with some hideous story and never see them again.” “Fair point.” Niall looked both smug and coy. “Oh shit.” Harry piped up. “You got laid.” “No I didn’t!” Niall cried. “Yeah you did, you got laid. I can see it in your devious little eyes. You got a shag.” Me and Lin waited for Niall to confirm it, Harry absolutely sure of what he was saying, and the look on Niall’s face seemed to say he was onto something. As we waited, our food arrived, our Full English Breakfasts being placed in front of us, Harry saying thank you on our behalf as me and Lin waited with wide mouths, whereas Niall was just smirking. “That’s the face of a man who got laid.” Harry said after giving my hand and squeeze before letting go and taking hold of his cutlery, ready to tuck in. “C’mon. Admit it.” “Fine. I did. You can see right through me.” He admitted. “Niall, what the fuck?” I squealed. “Tell us everything! I want details.” “Well, I was the bottom, and he-” “NO, not those details!” I stopped him quickly, Lin and Harry almost choking on their food as they laughed. “Just like… how the date went, how it all came to be. I don’t need… those details, thank you.” “We went out for food and then… It just went really well, and it’s been a long fucking time since I had a shag. He invited me to his for a nightcap and it just happened. Natural.” “Nice, man.” Lin spoke between mouthfuls. “So are you gunna see him again?” “Maybe not in a romantic way, but for sex, probably.” “I get that. There are very few chances of getting laid in Rosebury. It’s a downfall.” “Don’t you date?” Harry asked Lin. “Date who, exactly?” Lin sniggered. “Fair point.” Harry laughed with him. “But like… what Niall does. Someone from the next village over, or whatever.” “But Niall likes his dating apps and stuff, he’s good at that shit. I wanna meet someone in a really… organic way, as pretentious as that sounds. With apps and stuff, I feel like it’s forced and all about appearances and shit. I dunno, it just doesn’t appeal to me. I’d rather just meet someone, but it’s so rare. Can’t win.” I understood that completely, and I thought I would likely be the same if I was in his situation. Dating in a small village like ours was almost impossible. It was such a small area, a loving and familiar place; we knew old married couples and small businesses and everyone knowing everyone, and I suppose those ideals reflected in us across a lot of different aspects of our lives. “Yeah, I get that.” Harry accepted. “How’re you finding it?” Lin asked. “What?” “Being here. The lack of… options.” “Lin’s asking if you’re sexually frustrated.” Niall put it bluntly. “I was trying to be tactful about it,” Lin rolled his eyes. “But yeah, pretty much. It’s not like there’s a lot of options here, and I imagine you were doing pretty well for yourself in… the bedroom… before you moved here.” “He’s saying you’re sexy.” Niall put it bluntly once again. “Niall, you do not need to keep talking on my behalf. I’m sure Harry is perfectly capable of understanding what I’m getting at.” Lin chuckled. “He’s asking if you wanna fuck anyone.” Niall ignored him still, talking directly to Harry until Lin punched his arm, and then he backed down. “Maybe Harry doesn’t wanna discuss this stuff.” I tried. “There’s not much to discuss.” Harry shrugged it off casually. “I guess I haven’t thought about it too much. I’m not really… into dating, I never have been.” “I guess that helps.” Lin answered sensibly. “I bet you’re into shagging though.” Niall didn’t. “You’re not one for approaching things tactfully, are ya?” Harry laughed. “Never.” “Can we stop talking about sex over breakfast, please?” I asked, really wanting to avoid the conversation, then deciding to make the most of it. “It’s been ages since I had sex.” “Same.” Lin agreed. “Yup.” Harry lied along with us rather weakly. “Less than twelve hours for me.” Niall was ridiculously smug. “Be jealous.” Harry nudged my knee with his beneath the table, because it had actually been less than an hour since the two of us had had sex, so there was really no need for us to be jealous. I dropped my head, quickly trying to hide my smile by eating, nudging Harry back. I loved spending time with everyone. My friends were my world, and any time I could spend with them was a blessing, but at the same time, I was enjoying my alone time with Harry so much that even then, a few bites into our breakfast, I was already looking forward to being back at his place. We tucked in, thankfully no longer talking about sex, though I was definitely thinking about it. The bell for the front door chimed, my eyes instinctively shooting upwards, seeing Tom let himself into PJ’s, spotting us right away. We never saw much of him, really, especially without Sam by his side. He kept himself to himself and was the total opposite of a social butterfly, so it’d been months since I’d last seen him. I knew it wouldn’t be the best atmosphere. “Alright.” He greeted us awkwardly. “Alright, Tom.” Niall was the only one of us to answer. He was just about to walk past us to go to the counter, but then he stopped, right beside our table, right next to Harry, looking down to him and sniggering arrogantly, before he slowly moved on. Harry rolled his eyes and his shoulders, Lin looking over our heads so he could continue to scowl at Tom. “Fuck him, mate. Pay him no attention.” He huffed. “He’s always been an arrogant little prick that one. He’ll be on Sam’s side no matter what.” “But if he knew why I’d done it-” “He will know why.” I interrupted Harry. “But he’s a sexist fucking prick. He will not care. He’ll honestly think it was Sam putting me in my place, he won’t think anything of it, I’m telling you. The boy isn’t worth the breath.” “Don’t say that shit, Alfie.” He was losing himself in his own frustration. “I’ll get fucking worked up. Don’t tell me he’s like that because I’ll lose my head.” “I don’t know why we ever put up with him.” Lin groaned. We’d all put with him because I’d been with Sam, and I knew that. It was so strange looking back on my whole relationship with Sam and realising just how toxic it had been, and it wasn’t restricted to me. I hated that. I looked southwards, only able to feel down for a matter of moments, before my friends did what they always did and picked me right back up, even without meaning to. “Remember when Louis kicked him in the balls?” Niall tried to hold in his sniggers. “What?” Harry whelped, also holding in laughter. “Why’d he do that?” “He made a shit comment about my dreads.” Lin told him, tense over the memory at first before he thought of the aftermath, then he smiled. “Louis just went at him, without a second thought. As soon as he’d said it, it was like a magnet.” “He was almost sick, it was fucking hilarious.” Niall laughed. “Louis’ a fucking legend.” Harry sniggered. We all started laughing, and I looked over my shoulder to gage Tom, let him know that it was him we were laughing at, seeing how uncomfortable and uneasy he looked. He knew we were laughing specifically at him but he had no idea why and I loved it. He’d tried to make Harry feel small, and it had only wound him up for a couple of seconds before we’d gained the upper hand again. Not only that, we’d calmed Harry down, and that was important too. I think we were good for Harry. Even better than I knew.

“How is she?” I asked my dad down the phone, sat in Harry’s kitchen watching him make us a meal. “Not great. She had a big anxiety attack yesterday. She didn’t know who or where she was, completely freaked out.” “Shit. Is she okay? Are you okay?” “It was rough for a while, but it wasn’t too long until they’d gotten her sat down and then… she forgot that, too. She’s okay now, I suppose, just very quiet. Hasn’t spoken to me properly for a while now.” “Dad, are you okay?” I asked again. I couldn’t help but be concerned for him and his happiness. Every single day he was in emotionally taxing circumstances, exhausting and agonising conditions that must have been chipping away at him, no matter how slowly and no matter how strong he was, how strong their love was. He was such a positive person, but I knew how tired he must have been, how hard it would be to see the woman he loved disappearing before his eyes more and more every day. I just felt like he didn’t have anyone there looking after him, and he needed it. He might not have known it, but he needed support and strength from someone else and he could hardly accept it. There was only so much I could do from Rosebury, and I’d never been good at removing myself from the situation so I could simply be there for him. I struggled too. “I’m fine, Fee. Don’t worry about me.” “I can’t not, I just… It’s a lot for one person to take on, dad. That’s a lot for one person to handle.” “I’m used to it. I’ve been here for almost five years now.” “That’s my point.” I dropped my head into my hand, wishing there was a way that he could be fully happy, but it didn’t seem like it existed. If he wasn’t with her, he’d be unhappy, but being with her so much clearly wasn’t healthy for his heart. I thought maybe it would be better if he found some kind of middle ground, where he could give himself a break for a few days of the week, do something else and be somewhere else and get back into hobbies he’d once had, but after four years of the same routine, I felt like even that would be too much of a change for him to feel comfortable with. “Will you please come and see me soon?” I asked, trying to stop myself from crying. “But-” “You could bring her too, I dunno.” I tried. “If that’s what it takes, bring her. But you need to… get outside and do something different. Please, dad. Please.” “If she could leave the house that easily, I wouldn’t live here in the first place. To take her out for the day, I’d need a specialist nurse to be with us at all times, and that costs money, Fee! I can’t afford that right now.” “I will find the money, if that’s what you need. We’ll figure it out. But… I dunno, I really feel like you need a break. Give yourself a break, I promise it’ll do you so much good.” Harry left the food to approach me, leaning across the counter to pull my hand away from my head and push his fingers between mine, holding tight. My dad was quiet for some time, unsure what to say. I knew he was wonderful for what he did for my mother, but sometimes being selfish is showing your own heart the love it deserves when it can’t be offered by others, and he’d stopped doing that at some point. He'd been so busy taking care of her that he’d forgotten how important it was to take care of himself. I could tell he didn’t have a clue what to say, and I didn’t want to pressure him or fill him with guilt, so I decided to end the conversation, give him some space to consider what I was saying. “Just do me a favour and think about it, okay?” I sounded as defeated as I felt. “We could walk up Traits Hill, I could show you how the shop is, we could go to The Railway and just… have a day or two doing really nice stuff that we used to do. I think it’d do you a world of good, so just think about it.” “Okay, I will.” “Promise?” “I promise.” “Alright. Speak soon.” “Take care, speak soon.” I hung up and dropped my phone on the counter, chest aching, mind racing, now using my other hand to hide and prop up my face as Harry continued to squeeze the other, still looking at me. “Just keep pushing.” He encouraged. “If you don’t drop it, he’ll have to come back at some point.” “It’s just frustrating.” “I know.” “He can’t accept that it’d be good for him. He just can’t do it.” “I know, I feel your frustration, but… it’s hard, y’know… when people get into routines like that. All he needs to do is break it once, and he’ll see how good it is.” “I just don’t know how to get him to that point, he’s so stubborn.” I groaned, moving my hand and looking at him. “It’s shit because I’m finally at this stage where I feel better, and it’s like I’m trying to find this way where my family can be at its best and be happy, but it feels fucking impossible.” “Mm.” He dropped his head, seeming reflective somehow. I kept my eyes on him, witnessing him disappear into his own head, quite obviously thinking about my words and aligning them with his own situation. I bit at my lip, still unsure of his boundaries and whether he needed a push or if I should just wait it out, wait until he was ready and he spoke off his own back, but I worried I’d be waiting forever. “You wanna talk?” I asked calmly. “No.” He replied swiftly. “You sure?” He let go of my hand, nodding slightly as he headed back over to finish cooking for us, his mood having changed rather rapidly. I had no intentions of pushing him; all I’d wanted him to know was that if and when he was ready to speak, I would listen. All I had wanted was for him to be aware that I would accept any section of his soul that he chose to share with me. I sighed, maybe a little too loudly, dropping my head and messing on my phone for a matter of seconds before he snapped. “Y’know it’s fucking weird,” He scowled miserably, abandoning the food once again. “The way you lot are with each other, how you share everything. It’s fucking weird, and not everyone is like that. Not everyone has to talk about what they’re going through and how they’re feeling all the fucking time with every single person.” “When did I ask you to do that, Harry?” “I’m just saying!” He carried on. “I don’t wanna talk about it, that’s way out of my fucking comfort zone, so leave it!” “I didn’t push it!” I cried, wishing I could have kept calm but his raised voice made that difficult. “All I did was offer, and if that is enough to make you flip at me like this, then fine, I won’t fucking offer again.” “Good, don’t. I don’t need to talk. I don’t need your help. Just drop it.” “Fine.” I felt awful. I hadn’t wanted him to feel that way, and suddenly I was questioning all of it. I was wondering if he actually had felt any better about opening up to me about his father or if I’d just told myself he did, convinced myself it had been good for him when actually he’d been feeling bitter about the whole thing. And I didn’t like arguing with him. I didn’t like seeing him worked up, because even at the times where I’d gotten worked up at him, he hadn’t gotten like that, like he was angry at me. It certainly wasn’t the first time I’d seen him angry, but I didn’t want to be the source of it. I understood it was all very sensitive for him, but I didn’t want to find myself in the firing line whenever the mere mention of families or being open came up in conversation. I had lost my appetite. I got up to my feet, through the door to the living room by the time he’d caught on. “Fee-Fee, what’re you doing?” He asked, sounding weary, already well aware it was him who’d driven me away. “M'not hungry, I’m just tired. I’m going for a nap.” “Please stay and eat with me.” “No.” I simply replied. I headed upstairs, hearing the clattering of cutlery as though he’d just thrown something in a outburst, but I didn’t want to stay downstairs and continue arguing with him, or put up with his annoyance. I knew this was all new to Harry, all of it. Not just the sharing himself, staying in one place and being so settled among a group of people, but even this sort of relationship we’d found ourselves in. I knew he didn’t know how things were meant to be or how to handle himself and the feelings he was experiencing, but he should have known under any circumstance that that was not the way to speak to anyone. I didn’t want him yelling at me and scowling, talking down to me and treating me like I’d really crossed a line when I couldn’t possibly know where the line was or what he considered crossing it. I went upstairs and climbed into bed, kidding myself if I genuinely thought I’d be able to sleep it all away.

The sun was bright, bursting through his bedroom window as it began to set, warming his room and softening the atmosphere. I lay reading, not having heard very much from Harry over the past hour or so, however long it had been. I thought he might leave it for the night, just to prove a point, but when he quietly pushed his bedroom door so it would creak open, I felt incredibly relieved. I hated being on bad terms with him. He stood in the doorway, chewing anxiously at his bottom lip at the same time as trying to shoot me an apologetic smile. I placed the book down. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I dunno why I snapped at you, I’m sorry.” “I don’t wanna argue with you, Harry. And I’m not trying to push you.” “I know.” He dropped his head. “It’s just… everything with my family is such a fucking mess. I get… I get kinda pent up about it, and I’m sorry. You’re the last person I wanna take that out on.” I nodded, lifting up the sheets as an invitation for him to join me, and he seemed almost shocked that I had. Looking reassured and thankful, he removed his clothes until he was in his underwear and then got himself into bed with me, clambering over to me to land on my side of the bed since I had occupied his in his absence, the two of us tucking ourselves close together. I caressed his cheek, sensing the way he soothed beneath my touch, kissing the tip of my nose. “I missed you.” He told me. “It’s only been a few hours.” I giggled. “Yeah, I hated it.” He grinned, making me laugh even more. “Can we not fall out again, please?” “You’re cute.” I bustled. “Okay, no more fighting.” “Ever?” “Depends. We’ll both have to be on our best behaviour.” He smiled, taking my jaw in his hand and pulling me that little bit closer so that he could kiss me, only for a moment. He looked over my face, speaking softly. “Can I talk to you? About… About my family.” “Only if you want to.” I whispered. “I wasn’t annoyed because you didn’t wanna talk, Harry, it was more the way you… handled the situation.” “I know that, I’m sorry.” “You don’t need to keep saying you’re sorry. I’m just saying, I’m not rushing you into talking.” “Alfie, I know.” He chuckled like he thought I was foolish to think that way. “I… I want to talk about this stuff with you, I do. I just… I find it so hard.” “Why do you think you… struggle so much?” He took a deep breath in, still with his face mere inches from mine, looking right at me, appearing strangely confident considering. His voice didn’t sound quite as assured. “I think it’s… after everything that happened with my dad, and what that did to us. My dad struggled to open up too, and I guess I’m like him in that sense. And then with me moving about so much, and… removing myself so much and not making friends and… everything. It’s just everything. I’ve had like, the opposite of what you grew up with.” I’d always had people to rely on. I’d always had a solid network of people around me, a sense of home and familiarity and trust, not solely in my friends and family, but even the whole village. I had always been aware of my luck when it came to how blessed I was to grow up there, to have the support I did, but I suppose hearing Harry word it so plainly then put it into perspective further. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like for him, because it was so different to how things had been for me. “Do you… find it easier talking to your mum and brother?” “Well, my brothers in prison and my mum doesn’t want anything to do with me, so…” “What?” I cried, alarmed, distancing from him in shock. His confidence dwindled then, turning to face the ceiling and placing his hand across his forehead, pinching lightly at his temples. I didn’t know what to think, what to expect. “How? Why is… What? Why wouldn’t your mum want to see you?” “I fucked up. I fucked everything up.” “How?” “After my dad died… I think trauma either ties people together or tears them apart. For us… We couldn’t find a way to be stronger. It broke us. It fucking broke us.” I understood that, because in ways, losing my mum in the way we had, it broke me and my dad too. I was still trying to fix the damage it had done and that way I’d handled it for the past few years. It seemed Harry’s situation with his family was one that they hadn’t been able to heal. “Jack, my brother, he… He couldn’t seem to move on. I think because he was the one to find our dad, it was harder for him. As he got older, he became hostile, angry. He changed. I dunno, I guess I found my comfort in art… a-and music and literature, but he couldn’t do that. And it was… me and my mum who he could take his anger out on.” I hated that they hadn’t been able to find a way of healing together. I hated the thought of a loving family who had once protected one another, looked after one another and done all they could to keep one another fighting and happy, had fallen apart when they deserved to be happy. They deserved to find their peace. All I had known of his brother before this was that he had sheltered Harry from a sight that would have scarred him deeper than the loss of his father had anyway. It was heart-breaking to think that in time, their loss had shaped him so harmfully. “As he got older, it went from him being just a difficult kid to him… being violent. First with other people, kids at school, strangers who pissed him off. Then when he got older still… I think he was like sixteen the first time he hit our mum.” “What?” “Knocked her cold out.” “Why?” “Over something or nothing, I can’t even remember. I just remember seeing red and trying to make him stop, but he was so much bigger than me then. It wasn’t… a constant thing, him being like that, but it was like every few months something tiny would happen and he’d flip and if she was there, or… It was me a few times too, but usually her.” “That’s awful. I… I understand him struggling but… I don’t know how he could turn that round on the two of you. You must have been the only ones who could understand.” “I think it’s easier to take out your anger, your pain... on the people you love.” He sighed. “I dunno if it’s a subconscious thing, that hope that they’ll always be able to forgive you. That the love is strong enough to make everything forgivable.” “And was it?” He looked so broken even thinking back to all of it, slowly shaking his head. I stroked though his hair, whispering that I was sorry, already so proud of him for how well he was doing. “That was when I started working out. I dunno if it was necessarily with the thought of fighting back, but at least… being stronger. I hoped he would back down. By the time I was like, seventeen, I was in pretty good shape.” “Did he stop?” “No, he got worse. He’d been kicked out of college, not accepted into any uni’s, so he was stuck. Then when I got accepted into uni, that just pissed him off even more. We started fighting and… it just gradually kept getting worse until we all reached breaking point.” “What happened?” “I think… I snapped. I saw him hit her one day, and I snapped.” He was getting worked up, rambling. “I just snapped, I-I… I don’t know what happened, but I snapped and I couldn’t stop and-” “Harry, it’s okay! Stay calm for me, okay?” He took a few seconds to gather himself, tears forming in his eyes before he managed to bluntly say what had happened, why he was so worked up. “I almost killed him, Alfie. I didn’t mean to, but… I completely lost myself. I just kept hitting him over and over and… I… I beat him within an inch of his life. I’m so fucking glad I stopped because if I hadn’t… I fucked up. I fucked everything up.” I didn’t know what to say. I felt sick over the thought of Harry doing that to another human being, especially someone he’d once had so much love for. He seemed categorically ashamed, the scar of the memory more garish than the scars on his hands. He was crying, heavily, not even able to look me in the eye as he continued. “I broke his nose. His collarbone. He was… a mess, and I did that. I hate it and I hate myself for it but I did it. I did that to my own brother.” I sat myself upright hoping it would cease the curdling of my stomach, running my hand through my hair, trying to swallow the information he’d just shared. I had always had some idea that the situation with his family wasn’t stable, due to his views on families, how lonely he was, how he’d spent however many Christmases on his own. I knew things weren’t right, but I hadn’t been expecting that. He sat up with me, hysterically reaching for my hand, his tears falling heavier. “Please don’t be scared of me.” He pleaded. “M’not scared of you.” I shook my head, grasping at his fingers in the hope of reassuring him, sedating his sorrow. “I’ve changed so much since then, I’ve learnt. I’m not… I don’t do that. I’m not like that!” “Okay.” “You have to believe me.” “I… I want to, but what happened with Sam-” “I know, I… Fuck, I lose my temper sometimes and I know I shouldn’t but… I’d have never taken it that far. I wouldn’t make that same mistake again. I promise. Please, please believe me.” I believed him. Despite the evidence I had that should have probably made me think otherwise, I believed him. I was aware that his temper could get the better of him sometimes, and I thought that may be another reason he ran his classes and why he exercised in the way he did. I thought back to those times I’d seen him in his gym working out on his own, taking that energy out on punch-bags rather than people, and I felt that was his release. It was all just so overwhelming to hear. He squeezed my hand tighter, continuing frantically. “I was a stupid, heartbroken kid! I took all of it out in those fucking moments rather than… dragging out it over years, like Jack had. I kept it all in and then I just broke and… This is why I hate fucking talking. I hate trying to deal with my emotions because I’m scared that I’ll just snap again and deal with it horribly. I-I’d rather just numb it.” “That’s the exact reason you need to talk, Harry!” I cried. “You can’t let it all build up. That’s what makes you snap. It’s not the dealing with it that hurts you, it’s the bottling it up! Look at you now, look how well you’re doing!” He just about nodded, reaching up to wipe his tears away. I helped him, cupping his cheek and using my thumb to clear his damp skin. I didn’t want him to feel any more guilt than he clearly already did, I wanted to show I was there supporting him, not judging him or fearing him. Even when he was quiet, it was somehow still clear that he’d come a long way since his teenage years; he was kind, thoughtful, gentle, far much more protective than he was violent. Even those situations where he had completely lost himself, it always seemed to be for someone else’s benefit rather than his own, it was always in an attempt to protect someone else. I wanted him to feel better, not worse. I had to be as understanding as I could be. He was trembling, looking down to our hands as though seeing our joint fingers was calming him. “What happened after that?” I asked gently. He wiped away a few more tears, laying back down with a heavy thud, staring up to the ceiling. I looked down to him. “My mum kicked us both out.” “What? Why you?” “After what I did to Jack, she thought I was as bad as him, and… I don’t think she was wrong. She was scared of me. Nothing I could do.” “Where did you go?” “I stayed with a mate for a few weeks, but then I went off to uni. Kinda started a new life.” “She must have forgiven you by now.” “I don’t think so. I think… I think I fucked up, because I left and… I didn’t try, y’know? I didn’t… reach out to her, I didn’t apologise… I didn’t do anything. I just left it, because I was scared and I felt so bad so I just tried to forget the whole thing. And then the longer I left it, the worse it got and I felt like I couldn’t and… I just handled it all so fucking terribly and then I felt stuck.” I suddenly understood why it was that Harry had been so fixated on me repairing things with my own mother and father. I felt like he’d almost projected his own failings onto me, in the kindest way possible. “When I finished uni… I tried. Four years later, I went back to the house where we used to live, but she’d gone. I don’t blame her. We had so many… horrible memories in that town, that house. I think she wanted a fresh start, so she left.” “I… I just can’t believe she never tried to reach you.” “She couldn’t! I didn’t have the same number I’d had. She didn’t know where I lived in London at uni, and then after that I moved around too much. She wouldn’t have known how to find me, so like… I dunno if she tried. I hope she did, but then I dunno if it’d actually make me feel worse.” “Have you tried to reach her?” I lay back down with him. He nodded, taking a little longer to form his reply this time around, seeming almost nervous about what he was about to reveal to me. “This house… This is where my mum grew up. She was born here in Rosebury.” “What? Are you serious?” “Her mum died in childbirth, and she lived here with her dad. I never met him, he died when she was quite young. She went into care, had to leave here, but she always wanted to come back. She used to speak about this village, this house. She always wanted to be here. Her and my dad spoke about it, but with him being so ill… I think they were scared of the change, what that would do to him, so they stayed in Lytham. That’s where I grew up.” “Holy shit. That’s why you moved here.” I spoke absently. “That’s why you thought being here would bring you peace. What the fuck.” “The room, upstairs, the one you saw,” He went on. “It’s her room. The house was abandoned when her dad died, and it hadn’t even been touched since she lived here. I dunno why I kept it like that, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t bring myself to paint over the top of it. Some of her happiest memories are in this house and I just wanted to keep… some of its history alive. That’s why I’m so… touchy about it.” When I’d first found that room, I’d asked him if he had a child because there was that impression that it was a child’s room, and now it made so much sense why I’d jumped to that conclusion. I’d thought the peace he was talking about before was simple peace and quiet, somewhere quant and calm and different to the other places he had lived before. The peace he sought was so much more complex than that. “You bought the house for her.” I whispered, and he nodded. “I thought she might live around here. I thought maybe I’d find her here, but…no joy.” “Have you managed to contact her at all?” “When I first got here, I wrote to her. I hired some guy to find out where she is, and I wrote to the last address she was at, a few weeks after I moved here. I told her how sorry I am, that the house is here for her if she wants it. She… She never replied.” “She won’t have seen it. If she had, she’d have replied, I know it.” I had a gut feeling about it. I could understand that things got difficult and complicated and why she’d resorted to kicking the two of them out of her home, but I couldn’t accept the fact that she still didn’t want contact with him. They’d had years to recover and learn and I just knew that if she could be in touch with him, she would. He didn’t look convinced. “Have you spoke to anyone in Rosebury? Anyone who remembers her or her mum and dad? There are people who’ve been here all their lives, they’re bound to know her.” “What difference would it make? They wouldn’t know where she is now.” “But maybe they’d know her, and it’s a start! Do you have a picture? What if she visits? What if I’ve… seen her!” His eyes filled with hope for a few seconds, considering what I’d said. He moved quickly, clambering off the side of the bed to retrieve his wallet from the pocket of the jeans he'd been wearing, routing through to find a picture he stored there, one of him and his mother, arms around each other, smiling, happy. Gently, I took the picture from his hands, sitting back up and looking over the image to see if I could gather any sort of memory to attach to the woman. She was small, slim, short and light brown hair that didn’t even reach her shoulders. I was trying. “What’s her name?” “Julia.” He told me, watching my face. “I… I’m not sure. Nothing’s… coming to mind, I’m sorry.” I passed the picture back to him slowly, seeing how disappointed he looked whilst taking it back and placing it back into his wallet. “S’okay. Long shot, wasn’t it.” “Mm.” I kept my eyes on his face, wanting to cheer him up as much as possible. “She’ll want to see you, Harry. You made a mistake, she’ll see that. You’re so different now.” “I dunno. I hope so.” “I… I can’t believe you bought a house for her.” “I want her to be happy and I know this place makes her happy. Everything was so hard for her, with my dad and then me and my brother. I really want her to be here. You probably think it’s stupid-” “I don’t.” I cut him off firmly. “At all.” He had such a big heart. It seemed his whole adult life was shaped around trying to make things right, trying to make amends for his wrongs and trying to do everything he could for others. For too long, his life had revolved around pain and hate, and he’d done what he could to make sure that the life he built on his own was focused on love and support, even with how much he struggled to open himself up to others. I was utterly infatuated with him. “When the last time you saw your brother?” “I visited him in prison.” “Why’s he there?” “Burglary.” It seemed his brother hadn’t been able to learn and develop in the way Harry had, instead he’d stayed on that dark path, unable to find the light. “Are you on… better terms at least?” “No. I tried but… I think there’s too much anger there. He didn’t wanna see me, so… I left pretty quickly. I haven’t bothered to try since. I think that was like a year ago.” “I’m sorry.” “Some relationships can’t be saved.” “I hope that’s not true, but… I get why you feel that way.” He threw his wallet to the bottom of the bed, laying himself back down, miserable for a few moments before he spotted my smile. I couldn’t hold it in. “Why’re you smiling?” He asked. “I’m really proud of you, Harry. For… talking. I’m proud of the person you’ve become. And I know your mum would be too, so… keep looking. Keep trying.” Managing a smile in return, he ticked his head back so that I’d join him. I placed my chin on his shoulder once I was horizontal, kissing his cheek before he turned his head to look at me, raising a hand to brush the backs of his fingers against my cheek. “She might not be here,” He hushed. “But at least you are.” “I’m proud of you.” I whispered back to him, blushing brightly. He kissed my forehead sweetly, pulling my body a little closer to his, his own body finally relaxing. I was obsessed with the couple we were becoming, however slow our progress. There was a wonderful trust between us, an excitement and a delight that I had not felt previously. We were a secret and we were strong and we were good for each other. We were so fucking good for each other. He held me close, lips lightly tracing my forehead as he spoke. “Thank you, Fee-Fee. My world seems a bit softer with you in it.”

[w-l-i-i-t]

So on top of this fun news, I’ve had a dilemma for the last day or so that’s been giving me a lot of anxiety.

Before COVID I’d signed up to work as an enumerator for the census. It involves going door to door and, y’know, basically trying to get people who haven’t done the census to answer census questions. 

It pays very well and helps ensure people are represented in things like budget allocation, making it something I could actually feel good about doing. AND it was part time short term work that I could easily fit around my existing schedule. So I was very enthusiastic about the idea. The plan had been for me to be trained and start going door to door in May.

Then covid happened and naturally they were like “uhhhhhhh well we’ll let you know.” Obviously, despite having wanted the job very much before this, I was 100% on board with pressing pause. But they recently called me like “so hey, we’re unpausing now, you still in?”

I haven’t called back yet to ask what sort of precautions they are taking. I’m sure if nothing else I’d be allowed to wear a mask and carry hand sanitizer. No way to know if anyone I encountered would have a mask. Also would have to go to an indoor training class, who knows what that would entail.

Partly because of reopening, partly because of summer, partly some bad decisions on corporate’s end, my painting events have been selling poorly and I’ve been getting less work and WAY less money. While I should be good for this month due to some rent banked for an emergency, I don’t know about the future. So this enumerator money really could make a difference for me. 

And given just . . . everything, I don’t feel like our country is going to get things under control until there is a vaccine (and even then, hhhh, I just don’t feel like we’re likely to do a good job of ensuring it’s distributed very quickly, widely or efficiently.) Which means either I’ll be able to live of the painting classes and whatever freelance work I can find online until probably sometime in 2021, or I’m going to eventually have to take a job that puts me at risk. 

Which like. Maybe I can do option A??? Maybe that’s possible???? But???? If it doesn’t turn out to be, would it be better to take this job, work it for a few months, be as careful as I can and then sit on the money I made like a dragon on its hoard and hope I can make it last the rest of the pandemic? Rather than potentially have to do an equally risky/riskier job for a longer period of time? At least with this one I ASSUME I’d just be on peoples’ porches, not indoors breathing recirculated air with them.

Based on things we discussed in the interview, it’s likely I’d largely be sent into low-income and vulnerable neighborhoods in Chicago and greater Chicago. Which of course at the time I saw as a very good thing, thinking those are the places where people most need to be counted and represented, and where it’s most important to keep people from falling through the cracks. 

Which is still true!! Even more true with COVID!!! And I feel shitty thinking “but God, those are also places that are the hardest hit, where I’m pretty much certain to be exposed to multiple infected persons if I’m going door to door talking to dozens and dozens of strangers a day.” But also! I am thinking that thing! Because that thing is true?? I know it’s my own privilege that I’m not living in a hotspot right now and I can choose to avoid them. And it’s probably important for the census to get there. But the thought of me going door to door in a vulnerable area makes me feel both concerned for my own safety and for the possibility of me acting as a vector of infection within that community. 

IDK, I guess when it comes to that aspect I could say “well if I don’t do it, someone else will” so any potential fears about being a vector of infection should just be reduced to me thinking “I will take every precaution I can not to spread it if I do take this job.” And that logic would also follow with “if I don’t bring the census there someone else will,” so I suppose I don’t need to think about that as a factor either. 

So despite my little mental cul-de-sac about the ethics of being an enumerator right now, I should really make the decision based on a risk-reward analysis for myself. Whether the money is worth the certain exposure and certain elevated risk to myself and anyone I come in contact with. 

I’m already trying as hard as I can to keep exposure to my roommate minimal, so while I would put her (and thus the CHILDREN SHE IS GOING TO BE SUPER EXPOSED TO) at some risk, I’d at least have a good chance of minimizing it. But man. I don’t want to do this. And I don’t want to turn down work and money either.

I’ve been thinking of calling to just ask what precautions they’re taking but I know they’ll expect me to say yes or no by the end of that conversation. And hearing people like my roommate talk about how they’re taking “lots of precautions” while doing things that are extremely risky makes me feel like a lot of people just don’t have a clue about how to protect against respiratory droplets.

hhhhhh hey guys covid sucks and capitalism sucks and this country sucks can we go to space for a while please