#it’s for a full time sales rep position at a consulting company and… i have zero sales experience skdksksjs

[hrina]

i have another interview tomorrow

[healthcaretechnologynews]

Transforming Pharma Sales in Europe: The Journey from Sales Rep to Trusted Advisor – An Insider's View

A substantial change has taken place in Europe that has transformed the position of sales representatives into trusted consultants in the dynamic world of pharmaceutical sales. This anonymous viewpoint offers a behind-the-scenes look at the shifting dynamics of pharmaceutical sales and the transition from sales representative to trusted advisor. The change has altered how pharmaceutical corporations interact with medical practitioners, placing more emphasis on developing relationships, fostering trust, and offering important knowledge beyond product advertising. This article examines the effects of this change, examining how it has transformed the market for pharmaceutical sales in Europe and helped to provide better patient care. The author of this article will provide us first-hand, insightful information about the shifting dynamics of pharmaceutical sales and the change from sales representative to trusted advisor.

Read Full Blog Here: https://www.anervea.com/from-sales-rep-to-trusted-advisor-evolution-of-pharma-sales-in-europe-an-insiders-perspective

"In my role as a pharmaceutical sales representative in Europe, I have seen a significant change in how we interact with healthcare professionals. The time of merely promoting goods and hitting sales goals is long gone. The dynamics of pharmaceutical sales in Europe have changed as a result of our evolution as trusted consultants, according to Mr. X, a former pharmaceutical sales representative in Europe.

"In the past, our main priority was using convincing marketing strategies to promote our products. Our communications with medical professionals were transactional and aimed at promoting the advantages of our drugs. But the surroundings have drastically changed. In order to improve patient outcomes, healthcare professionals today seek educated partners that understand their difficulties and can offer specialized solutions.

We asked Mr. X to provide some light on the potential causes of this transition that he believed may have occurred. He responds by stating that, in his perspective, a number of things have contributed to this transformation. According to Mr. X, "This shift towards trusted advisors is a result of the European healthcare system's rising complexity. Healthcare workers encounter a number of obstacles due to various regulatory frameworks, cost-containment initiatives, and an aging population with complicated medical needs. Therefore, they require trustworthy allies who can guide them through this complex environment. As salespeople, we are aware of the necessity of going beyond product expertise to gain a deeper comprehension of the healthcare system and the unique requirements of our clients.

This change could not have been simple, for sure. We therefore enquired of Mr. X how their position as a pharmaceutical sales representative will be affected by the change from sales representative to trusted advisor. Mr. X provided us with some illuminating responses. He asserts that "being a valued advisor necessitates a fundamental mentality adjustment. Building genuine relationships based on reliability and trust is much more important than simply marketing things or hitting sales goals. Instead of being sales-driven, we now put the needs of the consumer first. We converse with healthcare professionals, pay attention to their worries, and provide insights and knowledge beyond what is provided by the features of our products. We work hard to establish ourselves as useful resources and dependable collaborators for the duration of the patient care process.

Then, we enquired of Mr. X how the business environment had assisted in this change from sales representative to trusted counsel. He claims that pharmaceutical firms have made investments in training and development programs as a result of realizing the significance of this transition. "Our company invested in thorough training and development programs to help us adapt to this new role, and these programs have given us the skills we need to excel as trusted advisors," he claims. In addition to receiving extensive product training, we also receive instruction in effective communication, problem-solving, and critical thinking. To increase our knowledge of the subject, we are urged to stay up to date on the most recent scientific discoveries, go to medical conferences, and work with other experts in the field.

We questioned Mr. X about the part ethics and compliance play in their contacts as a trusted advisor because these issues are inescapable in the pharmaceutical industry. "Ethics and compliance have become crucial in our interactions," he retorted. To ensure fairness and openness, more stringent standards have been put in place. We are held to greater ethical standards as trusted advisors and are required to act honourably at all times. We must act honestly, give correct information, and always operate in the best interests of patients and healthcare professionals if we want to build confidence.

Technology has changed our lives and everything we do over the past few years. So it stands to reason that it had an impact on Mr. X's path as well. Mr. X responds, "Technology has been a game-changer in facilitating this transformation," when asked about it. With the use of digital tools and data analytics, we can now tailor our approach and offer specific solutions. Systems for managing customer relationships (CRM) give us the ability to keep track of encounters, collect data, and make personalized presentations. It is now common to use online platforms and hold virtual meetings, which enable constant assistance and connection even in far-off places.

We also questioned Mr. X about how this transition will affect the pharmaceutical sales environment in Europe. He claims that it has had a tremendous influence. "It has elevated our role from merely being salespeople to being valued partners in patient care," claims Mr. X. We are now viewed as valuable allies who contribute to the overall wellbeing of patients and the healthcare system, rather than as someone who is just trying to push their products. In addition, Mr. X notes that "Healthcare personnel now have access to a wealth of knowledge, experience, and support, eventually improving patient outcomes. The focus has switched from transactional sales to long-term partnerships as a result of the emphasis on developing trust and adding value, producing a win-win situation for all parties involved.

Mr. X responds, "As a sales representative turned trusted advisor, I take pride in the difference I can make on patient care," when asked to sum up his path. I now do more than just sell drugs; I also help improve people's lives and the healthcare system as a whole. This change has motivated us to become more client-focused, moral, and knowledgeable partners. We have established deep connections with healthcare professionals by earning their confidence and adding value. This has enhanced patient care and made the future of the sector more promising. As we work to provide patients throughout Europe and beyond with the greatest results possible, it's an exciting adventure that keeps changing.

Visit our website now: https://www.anervea.com/

[wayfront4]

7 Soft Skills You Required To Achieve Occupation Development.

5 Ways To Get Fit In 3 Months │ Benenden Health And Wellness.

#toc background: #f9f9f9;border: 1px solid #aaa;display: table;margin-bottom: 1em;padding: 1em;width: 350px; .toctitle font-weight: 700;text-align: center;

Content

Why My Personal Trainer Is Worth It.

Why Is It Essential For An Individual Trainer To Collaborate With Clients To Agree With Objectives And Also Goals?

Five Means Fitness

Just How To Come To Be A Fitness Tutor (2020 Update).

Choosing The Right Personal Trainer.

Layout Your Own Program.

Level 3 Personal Trainer Diploma.

See listed below for an annotated work summary from Sports Direct, one of our corporate companions, and also what an interviewer may ask you pertaining to the advert. When it involves including muscle to your framework, you need to ensure you're giving your body a lot of time to rest between stamina training sessions. Doing the same amount of workout day after day can hinder healing and also cause you to shed muscle in time.

Can I get in shape in 3 months?

If you're serious about getting fit, choose an exercise you really enjoy and carve out the time for a regular workout. Stick to it for three months and you'll reap the rewards, be full of energy and feeling great.

Most of all, your early questions to a customer are to guarantee their safety and security. Think about the info you need to know prior to planning a fitness program. Connection building is one of the most important component to being a wonderful personal trainer. Customers just buy from individuals they like, as well as who they feel engaged with. Just as, don't claim that you intend to use this work to develop skills in order to have a desire job with a straight competitor.

This implies they should be experienced, thoughtful as well as responsible with ambiguity in the workplace. While it is certainly a valuable ability to closely follow comprehensive instruction, it is also necessary to be able to establish what it requires to accomplish the desired end result. Finding work/life balance is important to maintain motivation in your task.

Why My Individual Trainer Is Worth It.

I just wore a polo shirt and blue jeans, I was offered a job withinin half an hour of the interview. This is vital info, so you understand what to anticipate after you leave of the interview area door. If a 2nd meeting is pointed out, make certain you recognize when you must listen to back by.

As alluring as it may be to distinguish yourself from other candidates, do not tell a hinge on your meeting that could come back to haunt you if you get the work. Whether it's knowing just how to utilize a certain software application or experience with a social network's ad system, a lie could harm you if the truth appears later on. You have restricted time in your meeting to make a great impression, so utilize the moment you have to speak eloquently and thoughtfully. Self-confidence is a big part of preparedness, as well as the duty you're interviewing for will certainly most likely need you to be decisive and also positive so you can obtain things done. So don't say you fidget-- it will probably make youmorenervous, as well as it will not do you any kind of favors with your recruiter, either.

If this is true for you, make sure to show this to the job interviewer in your story. Tell the recruiter about exactly how stress or tension can motivate you to really buckle down, focus, and work vigilantly to obtain projects done. To provide a good solution to this question, you ought to supply instances of exactly how you have actually dealt with anxiety in the past as well as just how it's made you a much more effective worker. Recruiters ask concerns similar to this since they need to know just how pressure impacts you as well as what you do to manage it.

Speak to clients at active times on reception to completely involve with them. Offer cost-free suggestions and check up on gym-member that appear to be battling. It is additionally music to an interviewer's ears if you state that you want to go on a sales/marketing program to improve these skills if you are not solid on these areas. Much like taking notice of your responses and way of speaking, paying attention to your body language and also disposition can bring wonderful benefits.

Even the most flexible people can have trouble dealing with others that have certain characteristics or personality traits. Having good team effort skills likewise implies having a solid recognition of just how you deal with others as well as ways you can readjust your technique to far better offer the company. An occupation in the fitness sector can be what you make from it, yet it makes sure to be enjoyable, flexible as well as fulfilling regardless of where you work or who for. Whether you like functioning outdoors, inside, a team setup or solo, there are a variety of settings within the fitness industry to fit.

Why Is It Important For A Personal Trainer To Work With Clients To Agree With Objectives And Also Goals?

You ought to not overlook medical recommendations, or delay looking for medical suggestions, due to something you review in this website. If this is an obstacle for you, focus on getting little exercises in throughout the day. If your work takes the majority of your time, think about taking 3-10 minute breaks and also stroll at moderate intensity, where you damage a little sweat as well as are somewhat short of breath. Taking these breaks are not only great for physical health, but also for mental health. This indicates that your body has actually come to be made use of to the task you have actually been doing to drop weight.

5 Method Fitness

If you truly want to see results reflected on the range and also remain to make development with time, you require to dedicate to working out at the very least four to 5 days weekly. This is especially so if the quantity of time you're placing in doesn't compare with your objectives. Linda Le Phan is the Senior Material Advertising and marketing Manager atkununu United States, a location where work hunters can obtain an authentic view of life at a business and also where employers have a relied on platform to much better involve ability. When she's not developing material regarding the modern-day workplace, firm culture, and also life & work hacks, she is most likely heading out to get an iced coffee, raiding the treat cabinet, or obstructing to kununu's Spotify playlist.

they line up well what you shared on your resume, as well as shows preparedness in case a recruiter does not have a copy. Whether you're interviewing to flip hamburgers or run a country, turn up dressed to excite. While a fit is no more the only way to dress well for meetings, it is still a great go-to in most circumstances. To be lean muscle gainer , ask the firm before the day of your meeting what their dress code is or do a bit of research study on your own regarding proper meeting clothes for various scenarios. At the end of the day, however, It's always, always better to overdress than underdress.

Just because you think of a prepared a specific response does not automatically indicate the answer is the best one. You do not intend to be captured by shock by a concern and also do not have a decent answer. If you lack experience, researched points so at least you can discuss the topic.

If you aren't contacted by then, be sure to ring up and also ask why you weren't successful and also how you can boost your possibilities for next time. This is an excellent question to ask to gage your working problems and also to see how your toughness would certainly profit the business. It will additionally make the company restate your formerly pointed out toughness, which will stick to them through the employing process. Constantly seek the guidance of your medical professional or various other qualified health care supplier. Constantly consult your health care service provider prior to starting any type of new treatment, or if you have any kind of inquiries regarding a health problem.

Prior to you leave the meeting, deal to give the recruiter with any kind of extra details they need to make their choice. Added details can include a list of recommendations, a copy of your profile or a duplicate of instructional and also expert certifications. " Many thanks so much for your time, I truly delighted in finding out more regarding you as well as the firm." " My greatest weak point is public talking, something I haven't had several opportunities to do in my existing function, so I'm hoping to expand on those skills dealing with a bigger group at this firm."

Is Personal Training Profitable?

If you learn how to sell and grow a big business, you can usually make up to $25–35/hour in those situations. So, if you aren't good at marketing and sales, it's not profitable. If you ARE good, and you're a good trainer, you can make as much as you want with the right clients.

The most remarkable prospects regulate their need to fill up every area with impulsive answers as well as hesitant "um" s and also "uh" s. When asked a question, take a moment to think through your response or identify an appropriate story and after that start talking. The pause is great as well as it also reveals your capability to be tranquil as well as made up.

If they do smoke, ask if they 'd fit sharing how many cigarettes per-day they smoke. Obviously, you ought to constantly encourage your client to give up cigarette smoking for their health, yet this can be a turn-off to some clients, so choose meticulously just how much you wish to harp on this. Rest can have a significant influence on achieving fitness results, so you'll need to know just how much sleep your client enters a normal evening in order to help them.

Our bodies are clever machines and also come to be really efficient gradually when the exact same activity is executed. Weight lifters should do reps per muscle of their selection, and the weight made use of differs based upon your fitness degree. You are much less likely to utilize amateur language throughout an interview when you decrease, take your time to consider your action as well as concentrate on talking plainly. You can additionally prevent using filler words by practicing changing them with a quick time out or deep breath.

Individuals picking an as soon as a week routine will certainly require to carry out work on their own as well as can not anticipate to reduce weight without technique.

If you are comfortable with your regular and feel as though you do not require even more training, an as soon as a week training may suffice for you.

These sessions are normally shared with two to 4 other individuals working together under a similar program.

Lots of people that select to deal with a trainer will certainly select an as soon as a week meeting.

If we think about the function of education and learning, accreditation and also certification, we recognize it as a means of quality control.

Various other people value the organized atmosphere that having a personal trainer produces as well as pick to train with them forever.

For instance, you may assume you need to meet your trainer 5 days a week to lose twenty pounds, for an extensive duration, yet in truth, a couple of sessions weekly for a month or more is possibly adequate.

Commonly, people that select this kind of training currently understand just how to make use of the equipment effectively and also understand how to exercise properly.

The length of time with your individual trainer will depend upon a number of various variables.

Several fitness professionals pick the sector to avoid a desk-based work and also have the capability to move as well as remain on their feet. With the rise of the health as well as wellness trend in Australia over current years, fitness is at the leading edge of more Australian minds and service is surely thriving as well as readied to remain to follow this pattern for fairly some time. If you're considering a career in fitness, the bright side is your future can be loaded with excitement, adaptability and financial rewards with a lot of chances to expand as well as establish an effective occupation. Help work hunters learn more about the firm by being objective and also to the point.

How To End Up Being A Fitness Tutor (2020 Update).

Free Courses & Certifications Take courses on the most recent company trends, instructed by sector professionals. Client Assistance Get help if you have questions about utilizing HubSpot software application. If you can be made up as well as offer examples of how you take care of anxiety, you're practically assured to provide an effective response. Do not state that you don't function well in difficult circumstances or mention a time when you could not do your work effectively since you were burnt out.

Do excessive, as well as you take the chance of overtraining and also shedding your hard-earned muscle. On the other hand, if you do not up the strength as well as put the moment in, your muscle gains will be minimal.

If you're not getting muscle as rapidly as you like, you could be dealing with the feared plateau. When you educate the exact same body parts with the exact same exercises as well as amount of weight over an extended time period, there's a good chance your body will certainly quit responding. Finding the right equilibrium of cardio exercise as well as strength training is key when it pertains to placing on lean muscle.

Obtain our complimentary digital book guide of example responses as well as professional interview suggestions emailed to you now. For example, if you have a client who wishes to lose 50 extra pounds yet operates at an inactive desk work for 10 hours per day, after that you're mosting likely to require to amp-up those exercises to make certain maximum calorie and also fat melt. On the various other hand, a client who works as a building employee is already getting more exercise throughout the day, to make sure that ought to be thought about when identifying the best fitness plan. An additional way of life information that you should find out about your customer is whether or not they're a cigarette smoker.

Your recruiter has actually listened to every one of these in guide, so do not try to fool them into believing your "greatest weak point" is anything but an unique ability on your resume. It's alright to not recognize the response to an inquiry, but don't leave it at that!

Attempt to make the inquiries look unrehearsed as this will produce a far better impression of you. You require to show a little of character as well as your story in order to make your response credible.

Selecting The Right Personal Trainer.

Check out on the internet fitness publications so you positively know what hot trends are arising. The fitness world stays one that is rooted greatly in trends and, yes, fads. Whether cardio kickboxing or bootcamp training is the warm thing, studios require to satisfy customer demands or they likely go somewhere else. Not all fitness workshops accommodate people that desire hardcore workouts. Neither is every fitness center wanting to educate individuals who aren't thrilled concerning working out also hard.

How Can You Become An Individual Trainer In Just 6 Weeks?

Providing a response such as this could make the recruiter believe that you won't connect to your employer, also if there's a trouble you require aid with. As an example, if component of the work summary is servicing multiple jobs at once, claiming that you have anxiety attack when you have to handle numerous tasks at the same time is an excellent way to make on your own look poor. Do your best to stay clear of stating that you were emphasized by a scenario that you'll on a regular basis run into at the work you're interviewing for.

Exactly how to Respond to" What Is Easy Fit Personal Training " With Example Responses The blog offers the information required to plan for an interview where the general meeting concern "What is your biggest accomplishment? can be asked. If this is the weakness you are presenting in a meeting, discuss the success you have actually located adhering to instructions yet additionally your occupation capacity when locating convenience with uncertainty. You ought to also explain the steps you are taking to define your day when given ambiguous tasks or goals. Lots of tasks need candidates who are comfortable individually defining tasks and working in the direction of objectives.

When you have actually safeguarded a position, consider making use of company administration software application to track clients, courses showed, etc . Ask for a trial of our All-In-One Fitness Service Management Software today.

Speak to the other personal trainer straight and listen to their sight. Recognize factors of contract and dispute and also prevent routing blame. A recruiter will want to find out about something that actually tested you here. You could have had to find out a brand-new modern technology, or overcome challenging issues in a tough amount of time-- it has to do with exactly how you approach adversity as well as how you conquered it.

She likewise has greater than 15 years of experience training as well as advising supervisors at organizations from American Express to the City of New York City. This candidate has some wonderful teaching fellowship and also part-time experience, but she's a new university grad and doesn't have any type of permanent placements to discuss. She has a great deal of self-confidence and has the ability to concisely sum up how she satisfies the position's leading needs. This solution is a little bit basic as well as can probably be more reinforced with instances.

Personal Trainer Work Summary: What You'Ll Do.

Make sure your solution acknowledges a space in your understanding in a way that still provides you authority. easyfitpersonaltraining.co.uk can provide a solution like, "It's challenging to hit goals when leadership top priorities are constantly changing," but honestly, we don't advise claiming anything that could be regarded as an individual minor. If you're mosting likely to toot your own horn, see to it you have some data or evidence to back it up. Any person can claim they excelled in a previous function, yet numbers or instances will make you attract attention to your interviewer.

Where do most personal trainers work?

Personal trainers typically work in gyms and health clubs. They are self-employed and can also open their own fitness studios. Personal trainers can get creative and work almost anywhere.

While it is definitely respectable and also reveals a solid work principles to spend your energy and time on job, it is also necessary to focus on resting, taking place trip, spending quality time with your family and also taking pleasure in hobbies. Doing so can assist you really feel rejuvenated when you go to work and can raise inspiration, creativity and sustain a favorable expectation.

For optimal results, a workout program should consist of cardiovascular as well as stamina training workout. This permits you to raise your metabolism and melt calories at a greater price, also when you're not working out. How much weight you lose depends upon the quantity of workout you want to dedicate to and also exactly how carefully you stay with your diet regimen.

Design Your Own Program.

A lot of grownups require in between 6 and also 8 hrs per evening to function at their top; if your client isn't getting adequate rest, your very first examination may need to include discussing some methods to improve sleep. Your customer requires to comprehend that the hours they'll invest in the gym won't indicate much if they're not looking after themselves in your home. Run those responses by individuals you trust such as a customer or fellow trainer.

Level 3 Personal Trainer Diploma.

Personable responses that respond honestly will constantly trump reading from a manuscript. Nevertheless, if you were nervous concerning any one of the questions you could obtain, try out a couple of these methods. If there was one thing to look out for, it would be time restraints. You can not bring all of your clients to the table, so select your ideal ones, and also make certain you can talk about them in detail if questioned.

How many personal trainer sessions do I need?

Fitness Goals For example, you may think you need to meet with your trainer five days a week to lose twenty pounds, for an extended period, but in reality, two to three sessions per week for a month or two is probably sufficient.

[dangalante]

Thriving in the Face of Rejection

Dealing with rejection in Sales, Marketing, Business, Job Search and Life is rough. I have experienced rejection in various aspects of life. It is important to not take rejection personally. When you are rejected in job search and career; remember that it applies to the specific situation, position, promotion, transfer but not you as a person. This also applies in Marketing when your ideas, products and services are not accepted by the market. When facing rejection, it important to learn from the experience, pivot and not quit. The only way you are defeated is if you quit and stop trying.

Here is a poem entitled Don’t Quit that I have turned to for inspiration.

How to Conquer Rejection in Sales

To achieve Sales, success, the seller needs to be willing to persevere, through rejection. I remember my time in outside sales in New York City. I would make a lot of cold calls or try to up-sell or cross-sell products to existing customers. I remember days in the field when the answer I received was some form of no. Sometimes no matter how perfectly we execute the sales process, the answer is going to be no.

Many people would think to themselves I can’t take this rejection I should just quit. Well their right at least in the short-term. After you have made five or six sales calls with no results, take a short break. Take a walk and do some deep breathing. Try to remember that it is your offering that is being turned down and not you! Unless the prospect says “I hate this guy”. This happened to me on one occasion.

You should take a short break after being rejected for the following reasons:

1. At this point in your call plan you are probably frustrated and are not thinking clearly. This will ruin any chances of making sales for the rest of the day.

2. Taking a break allows you to vent and refocus.

3. Reflect on past successes you’ve had. Remember, you have made sales before and you can do it again!

After you have cooled off, try to think over the last calls that you have made. Reflect on what went well and what did not. Take this information and go on to your next calls with a positive attitude as if nothing has happened. Remember, your prospect does not care about how your day is going.

During my time in Outside Sales, I would have to call on certain prospects as many as 10 or 12 times before I could make a sale. In terms of cross-selling and up-selling, you have to build relationships with your customers. It is not going to happen over-night. This is true when you are selling items that require a large investment from your customers or prospects.

Some of my biggest sales successes have come during my last few calls of the day. When you feel spent, take a short break and then keep going. You never know when you are going to get a yes. If you quit; the answer is always no. Remember, always ask for the order. I was cursed at and thrown out of buildings; if I could keep going so can you!

How have you have you persevered when you were rejected in Sales, Marketing, Business, Job Search and life?

Share your story below.

About the Author

Dan is passionate about using Marketing to help businesses drive sales. HubSpot Certified in Inbound Marketing, Dan has worked on various marketing assignments including Start Ups, a Political Campaign and a Digital Marketing Conference.

Prior to teaching, Dan served customers as an Outside Sales and Marketing Rep in NYC. In this role, he taught and trained Dentists on the company’s products and services using a consultative selling approach combined with direct marketing. He also supported the company’s marketing efforts at industry trade shows.

He writes and publishes a business blog on the topics of Sales, Marketing and Social Media entitled Sales, Marketing & Social Media Today; which has grown to 24,000+ followers on LinkedIn and 21,000+ on WordPress.

Dan is seeking a full-time role in Marketing. He is willing to create and build out the Marketing function of your organization if it does not exist. If your company is hiring for roles in these areas, contact him directly via a free LinkedIn Message or email him at Dan@DanGalante.com to set up interviews.

[paulhudd]

Spindlefreck Book Two: Pt. Four: Ha! Ha! Said the Clown

Odin’s Inn, Brodir, Co. Wicklow; Sunday, May 2nd 1991

Malky gave the big chauffeur a sideways look, crossed his arms, casually leant on the door post and refused to shake the extended hand.

Gorringe wasn’t offended, just mildly surprised. He looked at his unshaken hand and frowned. He ummed & ahhed, looked left and right and spoke hesitantly, rubbing his neck as if about to ask a contention question, “Erm... see, the boss sent me ‘ere wiv a proposition... ‘E instructed me to... that is...” he paused, stepped up so that they were face-to-face and pleaded for relief with beseeching eyes, “Lissen mate, can I use your lavvy? I’ve been on the road fer ovah-an-hour ‘n that last cuppa I ‘ad before I left the ‘ahse is abaht to bust me bladdah!”

It was an old salesman’s ploy and Malky knew it, and the chauffeur knew he knew it, nevertheless he cringed and gritted his teeth, “No messin’ guv - I’m this close to pissin’ me strides!” He seemed genuinely stricken, so after a second or two’s deliberation, Malky decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stood aside, issuing a caution as he dashed by, “Straight in-and-out, mind. And don’t use the urinals – they’re not plumbed-in yet – use one of the stalls! OK?”

Gorringe already halfway there, “I don’t care if it’s a bucket -- I gotta go!”

Just as the door to the gents closed, Zindy walked through from the kitchen, “Who is it? Sales rep? Reporter?” she asked, wiping her oil-blackened hands with a rag, her elfin face smeared with black smuts. Malky was still at the door, looking out at the darkened windows of the Rolls, “... no, he’s somebody’s chauffeur. You should see the car he’s driving.”

Zindy lifted the waiter hatch and struggled through, “Ooow, I’ve been bent over too long, I’m all stiffened-up!” she groaned, clutching the small of her back with both hands so that her swollen tummy popped out of her denim shirt revealing an oily palm-print on the ivory-white skin of her bump. Malky closed the door, “There’s quite a draught – you can look out through the window.”

“For God’s sake a bit of sea air will do me good!”

Malky tapped her butt, “Aye, because you’re doin’ bloody auto-repairs on the kitchen table and the place stinks to high-heaven of gloss, varnish, engine oil and Swarfega! That child o’ mine must be gettin’ high on the fumes!”

Zindy made yakety-yak signs with her hand and said “I’m trying to save us some money, it’d cost us a bomb to take that van to a mechanic.”

“... because you’ve fallen out with all the local mechanics, haven’t you?” he chided ironically, “There isn’t a garage within a 30-mile-radius who’ll touch it, is there? Anyway, it’s a false economy. It’ll breakdown in the middle of nowhere and you’ll have to ring one of the garages for a tow-truck and the whole shebang will cost us three times as much as it would if we’d gone to a garage in the first place -– that’s not factoring-in the chance of an accident - or you gettin’ stranded high and dry – then whoosh – your waters break!”

“Jeezus Christ! You’re startin’ to scare me!” she cried.

“It’s a possibility -- like what if you breakdown and you fall getting out of the van -- or somebody comes round the corner too fast and hits you or something leaks in the engine and it goes up in a ball of flames...?”

“Why dontcha just swaddle me in bubble-wrap, pack me in polystyrene, stick me in an air-conditioned coffin and feed me through a tube til September! Oh I say, tally-ho, chaps,” she’d seen the stranger’s car, “a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, no less,” she said, appreciatively, looking out of the window, “who comes to a place like this in a car like that?”

Meanwhile, Brooster was listening at the parlour door, “What’s goin’ on?” a voice whispered behind him, making him jump and almost fall over. It was Sammy, the silver-bearded, blood-spattered ghost of the inn’s elderly barman, crouching behind him with his hands on his knees. Brooster looked him in the eye and asked him with a thought: Why are you creeping about and whispering when only I can see and hear you?

Sammy stood up, stroked his beard and mused aloud, “Aye, I s’pose that’s true... Well then – I’ll just do this!” He walked through the wall, into the occupied cubicle, looked the urinator up-and-down and shouted to the old dog, “It’s a chauffeur. Big bloke. Ex-army – British army – he has a regimental pin. Big dick, if you’re interested in that sort of thing.”

Broo wasn't at all impressed by the resident phantom’s crude behaviour – one of these days the stupid old fool will walk in on a Sensitive and scare the life out of them (actually, that eventuality would be fortuitous – because escape from This Life and Ascent into The Next requires a death within the parameters of the haunting and in the three years since Sammy had been shot and killed by Barry McKee, the only candidate so far had been an elderly deep-sea fisherman suffering with angina and a bad case of hay-fever who died two days later after a particularly violent sneeze –- at home in his own bed. Sammy whined as he opined: “Why couldn't the auld eejit have snuffed-it here?! Some people have no manners at all! At this rate, I’ll have to wait for Malky to croak - and he’s got another ten years in him at least!”).

The chauffeur exited the gents and convened with Zindy and Malky. Zindy was friendly and bright and offered him a cup of tea; Malky was cagey and glum. But that’s Malky. Sammy, reclining on the couch to watch the movie, actually made an insightful comment, “He’s an Englishman and Zindy misses the company of Englishmen. She’ll bend his ear for an hour and then he’ll be off back to whoever he drives for: probably some auld oul’ banker or one of those rich pop stars who've been buying houses over here lately.” He pointed at the remote, “C’mon, turn the sound on. I love the old black and white fillums!”

The old dog was paying him no heed. He was enjoying familiar feelings of excitement and trepidation, that tingle in his pelt that told him the visitor was significant and he should prepare himself for important news. And sure enough, the chauffeur didn’t thank his hosts for the use of the amenities and return to his vehicle, he was taken to the kitchen for a cup of tea and a chat!

Sammy was still harping on, “Dog?! D’ya hear me? Hit the button that turns the sound back on!”

Oblivious, Brooster snuck down the hall, took-up position at the kitchen door and listened.

Sammy shouted from the parlour, “Ach, c’mon, you know I can’t press the buttons...?” Broo ignored him and harkened to the conversation around the kitchen table.

Once Gorringe had completed his ablutions and emerged from the gents refreshed, Zindy introduced herself and took him into the kitchen for a cuppa. They hadn't had much company lately and this was the first Englishman she’d met in ages so she was chatty and vivacious. Malky was characteristically sniffy and suspicious. He wouldn't sit down and slowly paced the floor by the backdoor and let Zindy do all the talking. She began by apologising for the engine parts on the kitchen table, told him to park his arse and have a Mikado. He took a biscuit, but kept well back from the table lest oil, paint or any other petroleum-based-product come into contact with his immaculate whistle, “Is that a Lancashire accent I ‘ear?” he asked, with a wry smile.

Zindy grinned, “Aye - Salford! ‘Ow can you tell?” she said, ironically.

“Heh-heh, two of me best mates is from Salford! Salts of the erf, they is, diamonds to a man. We ‘ad a couple of tours in Cyprus in the late fifties and then they was sent to... umm,” he suddenly stopped talking. He realised he was in the Republic of Ireland talking to a pair of total strangers about old friends serving in an occupying force and quickly changed the subject. He beheld her swollen belly and asked, sheepishly, “Ahem, ‘ow many mumphs ‘ave you got before the big day then, sweet’eart?”

“I’m due in late July or early August,” she replied, she replied, “Just wait til I’m at full-term, I’ll look like a two-legged Space Hopper in a pink-wig!”

Malky lost patience, coughed theatrically, walked forward and put an end to the sparkling repartee, “So, Mr Gorringe, what can we do for you?”

The chauffeur put up a hand and waived the formalities, “Oh, call me ‘Erbie, please, Mr Calvert. Nobody calls me Gorringe ‘cept the boss when ‘e’s in a bad mood. Everybody else calls me ‘Erbie.”

Malky sighed, “Then, what can we do for your boss, H-erbie?”

“Malky! - don’t be so rude!” Zindy snapped.

Herbie shook his head, “Nah, ‘e’s got every right to be wary, sweet’eart. I’m beatin’ arahnd the bush, as it were, I really should explain meself,” his face took on a pained expression of someone who knew that what he was going to say next would either elicit gales of laughter or get him forcibly ejected from the premises forthwith; he carefully set down his teacup, laced his fingers on his lap and spoke without looking at his hosts, “Well, y’see, my boss, see... ‘e’s not a superstitious man by nay-cha but, ‘e’s got it into ‘is ‘ead...” he sighed heavily, looked up at Malky and bit the bullet, “Look – ‘e thinks the ahse ‘as been invaded by ‘a poltergeist’ and ‘e wants a consultation. Y’know, whether you can confirm or deny, that sort of thing.”

Malky’s heart sank. He threw up his hands and whined, “Fer cryin’ out loud! Another crank! A rich crank, but a crank nonetheless!”

[In the aftermath of the Barry McKee case, there had been numerous requests for newspaper interviews, TV documentaries and even a book deal with movie-options that would have set them up for the rest of their lives, but Malky had rejected them all out-of-hand. Zindy was slightly exasperated but mostly impressed by his innate integrity and refusal to exploit his adventures - then sometimes she wished he had his price, just enough to afford a decent refit. But he doggedly kept to his Code and slowly-but-surely, the phone stopped ringing, people stopped arriving at the door and they settled into what was, in Malky’s case, blissful isolation in a place he loved as a child; for Zindy, it represented normality and domesticity, something she needed after years of living in the fast lane.]

She was too taken with their visitor to dismiss the offer out of hand, “Wait til you ‘ear what Herbie ‘as to say before you go on a rant, Mr Sour-Balls!”

Malky leaned against the fridge and crossed his arms, “He can say what he likes but it won’t make a ha’penny’s worth o’ difference. We live by a Code remember?”

“’Code?’” Herbie looked from one to the other.

Zindy harrumphed and rhymed-off Malky’s charter to their bemused visitor, “Malky’s Code: he won’t have anything to do with the supernatural stuff... he won’t have anything to do with the media... he won’t write a book even though he’s been offered a lotta money...”

Malky: “-- and with good reason! Once you make contact -– you let them in! They’ll be writing begging letters, making pilgrimages to our door!”

Herbie, slightly embarrassed that he’d caused trouble in paradise, assured them, “You come very ‘ighly recommended, y’know – by the Gardai commissioner ‘isself, no less...”

Malky’s jaw dropped, “What?!” he gasped.

“Oh gawd, I knew this would be a nightmare...” Herbie muttered under his breath, grimacing like a man tiptoeing through a minefield wearing a blindfold; he elaborated in an apologetic tone, “... a couple o’ weeks ago, the boss was at one of them grand-banquet dos they ‘ave in Dublin City where the top-nobs can ‘obnob -- y’know the sort o’ fing, VIPs, the politicians an’-all-that-lot. Well, the commissioner was seated next to the boss and they got talkin’ about strange cases and your name came up, an’ when ‘e mentioned that Barry McKee business a few years ago, the boss wuz all ears 'n ‘e got the commissioner to get your address...?”

Malky was furious, “The Barry McKee case was as weird as they come, but it wasn't anythin’ to do with the supernatural -- it was to do with the fact that he’s a schizo who liked to kill little girls.”

Herbie raised his eyebrows, “So all that tawk abaht ‘im bein’ possessed is just bollocks?”

“Well, he thought he was possessed, he heard voices...” Zindy was about to elaborate when Malky shot her a what-the-hell-look.  She took umbrage, “So what did happen, Malcolm? Why don’t you explain it?”

“You should know -- you were there -– we nearly died!” Malky snapped back.

“Yeah -- but who ‘elped us?! ‘Ow did the dog find them bodies in the woods? Who told 'im where to go?!”

Sensing trouble in paradise, Herbie reached into his inside-pocket and took out a large brown leather wallet, “Look, I tell you wot, if it makes it any easier,” he pulled out a folded slip of paper and set it on the table so that it stood like a little greetings-card, “the boss gimme this blank cheque ‘n awforised me to offer ya 7 grand to come up to the ‘ahse and ‘ave-a-butcher’s. If you can get rid of the spook, he’ll give you anovver free grand. That’s 10 grand! More, if ‘e’s really pleased! ‘Is pockets are deep, believe me.”

“Something strange in your neighbourhood? Who you gonna call...?” Malky sang.  

“I don’t think even the Ghostbusters would get 10 grand for one night’s work?!” gasped Zindy, £-signs in her eyes.

Heartened that the hostess seemed keen, Herbie went for the hard-sell, “7 grand just to ‘ave a shufti, 10 grand if you get rid of it. What would money like that mean to you two?” he said, looking at Zindy’s bump.

Malky saw his better-half look around the kitchen, read her mind and reminded her with a wagging finger, “Don’t start...!”

Zindy wagged straight back, “The Code of Silence made sense in the beginnin’ when we wuz inundated with whackos, weirdoes ‘n’ wankers of every stripe – before we ‘ad money trouble and baby on t’way!”

Malky pointed and laughed sardonically, “Did you just say that? Who the hell are you?!”

The chauffeur turned to Malky and spoke softly, “Lissen Mr C -- I fink the old man’s barkin’ up the wrong tree too, but ‘e’s at his wit’s end – ‘e finks there’s an ‘evil spirit’ out to get ‘im! Now, I ain't seen anythin’ myself, just the aftermaff - but ‘e says fings fly across the room, y’know, ornaments ‘itting the wall, books falling from shelves, that sort of fing. E’s afraid to go rahnd the ‘ouse on ‘is own. If it goes on for much longer, ‘e’s likely to ‘ave a stroke or ‘eart attack, the poor old git.”

“Who is 'e?” Zindy and Malky asked, in perfect harmony.

Herbie paused for a second then said: “Oliver Laphen.”

“Ollie Laphen?! ‘The Quare Geg’?!” cried Malky; amazed and delighted, he duly eschewed his standoffishness, pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.

“The old movie star? The hellraiser?” asked Zindy, only slightly impressed.

“Yip, that Ollie Laphen,” said Herbie, sheepishly, as if confessing a cardinal sin.

“My God. Ollie Laphen! That takes me back a-ways...” Malky enthused, whimsically, looking up, as if viewing the memory in a thought balloon hovering just above his head, “...in Belfast in the late 50s when me ‘n me younger brother Dessie were kids, we used to see his films at the Roy Rogers’ Movie Club at the Curzon on Saturday mornings and we loved the ‘Laffin Boy’ shorts he made in the early 30s when he was still called ‘Ollie Laffin’. Jeez, we must’ve seen them all at least 10 times each...!”

Zindy left Malky to wander down Memory Lane and got down to business, “And ‘’e’s willing to pay Malky 7 grand just to look round ‘is ‘aunted ‘ouse?!”

Herbie smiled and nodded.

Although mightily tempted, Malky still wasn't moved, “Nah – it smacks of exploitation. I’m not goin’ to take advantage of an old man who’s probably in the primary stages of senility... Oh, sorry, Herbie...”

The chauffeur shrugged and nodded, “You’re singin’ to the choir guv.  That’s what us lot reckoned, too - but in every ovver respect he’s fine. ‘E’s cantankerous and narky like ‘e always is, but ‘is memory’s fine - e’s workin’ on a one-man-show and ‘e don’t even ‘ave to look at the book. ‘E reads all ‘is contracts – even the small print - ‘e writes ‘is memoirs... If it is senility, then this poltergeist fing is the only symptom.” He winked, “Tell-you-wot -- why dontcha meet ‘im ‘n’ see for y’self.”

Malky had to smile. It was like being coerced by an aging Artful Dodger. He now knew how the big chauffeur had kept a job for so many years: Herbert Gorringe has made a career out of getting the boss exactly what he wants, by hook or by crook.

“Lissen, if you fink it’s all a loada ol’ cobblahs, you can tell ‘im so - take the money - and I’ll drive you ‘ome. No ‘assle. No one will ever know. Mr Laphen certainly won’t be tellin’. You know ‘ow much ‘e ‘ates the press.”

Zindy looked at Malky and batted her eyelids, “No one will ever know and you’ll have a great story to tell our kids.”

“Oh – you’re not coming?” said Malky, with a raised eyebrow.

Zindy indicated the engine parts on the table, “No time, lover –- we need the van back on the road by mornin’ cos I ‘ave to go to Arklow and pick-up the grocery order and fetch more paint from the DIY store. Incidentally, I’ll be ‘using’ t’credit card - you know the one I mean -– the one we owe £3,400 on?”

“My God woman, have you no shame?!” said Malky, semi-seriously, shaking his head with exasperation.

Herbie held up the cheque and flicked it with a finger, “A lotta lolly for a few hours’ work, my friends.”

“C’mon, Malk. Like ‘Erbie says, the ol' boy’s loaded and it’s only one night...?”

Malky stared at his paint-spattered hands and had a rethink: you’ll to get away from the smell of varnish and gloss, meet the great Ollie Laphen and have a look round his house...  “Well... I suppose one night wouldn't be so bad... ?”

Deal sealed, Herbie sighed with relief, got to his feet and shook Malky’s hand. Malky looked at Zindy and shook his head, “You know you’ll never hear the end of this, dontcha?”

Zindy grinned, “Careful Ollie Laphen’s poltergeist don’t drop summat ‘eavy on yer ‘ead, chook!”

Malky held his sides and pretended to cry tears of laughter.

“Oh yeah - one other fing,” said Herbie, looking around, “The commissioner-bloke told us that you usually work wiv a free-legged German shepherd...?”

Right on cue, the beast in question nosed the door open and sauntered into the room, someone call?

[Broo and Malky had a semi-telepathic link; they couldn't communicate directly, but over the years following the Barry McKee saga, they’d developed an intuitive sense of what the other was thinking.]

Malky glared, you heard all that didn’t you?

The old dog grunted, I can hear the rats building a nest three-doors-down, you twit - of course I heard. And I must say, it’s about time we had a case...

“It’ll be a bit of a lark, won’t it?” chirped Zindy, putting Malky’s toothbrush and shaving kit into his overnight bag. She gave the once over and shook her head, “you’re a walkin’ disaster. Things wrinkled as soon as you put them on.” She lifted the comb and tried to do something with his hair.

Her other-half still hadn't warmed to the idea, “Lark? It’ll be no laughing matter for me, wandering around some creaky, chilly stately-home all night with that grumpy hound at me heel.”

Broo growled back.

She stooped slightly and pointed the comb at the old dog, “Now listen – Broo – you be patient w’ ‘im and remember that ‘e ‘ates all this kinda spooky stuff,” she turned back to her man, “and Mal, you remember that Broo is old and crotchety and prone to snarkiness.”

How dare you madam! I’ll have you know my intellectual capacity is at its peak! The father of your child is the one with questionable mental faculties, not me!

Standing on tiptoe, Zindy cupped Malky’s cheeks and gave him one of her pep-talks, “Listen, chook... take a look round, if you don’t find anythin’ or it looks like a set up, or it don’t feel right -- whatever -- I’ll understand if you don’t take the money, OK?”

Malky was confused, “Then why....?”

She put a finger on his lips, “I’d appreciate a little time on me own, OK? Nothing sinister, just some time to meself. We've been in each other’s pockets day-and-night for 2 year now, so tonight -- for one night only -- I’m gonna finish workin’ on the soddin’ van, ‘ave a bath, write a coupla letters and get an early night. Meanwhile, you get to spend the night in a luxurious mansion in the company of yer boyhood hero.”

She wants a break from you, and who can blame her.

Malky shot the dog a reproachful glance, then smiled when he turned back to his better-half, “You don’t need to explain, Zin. You've got what’s commonly known as Calvert Fatigue.”

She pushed him out onto the landing, “Now fook off. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Broo surveyed the stray cats lined long the parapet of the old burned-out cinema. They had gathered to watch the Rolls roll by, just like they had at the time of the McKee affair: further confirmation, to him at least, that this journey was significant. He resolved to pay attention to every detail and use all his powers... to get to the bottom... of (yawn)... whatever....zzzzzzz He was asleep within 10 minutes. Malky looked over his shoulder and scowled. Lazy sod.

Herbie took the scenic route and drove slowly. The hedgerows bustled-by lackadaisically, the dry-stone-walls refused to become a grey-white blur as £400,000 worth of Rolls Royce shook ‘n’ shimmied along bumpy country lanes and pot-holey side-roads at a leisurely 32mph. He was enjoying the view of the misty Wicklow mountains, and despite the nip in the breeze and the baleful skies, he wound down his window and leaned out to take the air -- which reeked of compost and slurry, but which was entirely to his taste -- “Aaaaah! Smell that?! Laaave this cahntryside, I do! Y’know, at least once a day, I stop what I’m doin’ ‘n give fanks that we landed back ‘ere and not blahdy Swizzer-land. Swizzer-land,” he sneered. “I ‘ate blahdy Swizzer-land. The boss wuz a tax-exile for a while y’see...” He went on to list the many shortcomings of the Swiss in his bouncy cockney twang. Malky repressed the overwhelming urge to shout for Christ’s sake shut-up and step on it! and tuned him out. There he was, on his way to do something he didn’t want to do for people he didn’t want to know in a place he didn’t want to be, and the longer it took to get there the more the prospect bothered him. Bloody cheek, that Gardai Commissioner handing my name & number out to all-and-sundry – I should sue! ... Bloody hocus-pocus and hoodoo-voodoo... but as usual, money talks and principles go out the window... money, money, money... she’ll be setting up a Supernatural Detective Agency next... She’ll be advertising it in the paper...

Seemingly oblivious to the ennui emanating from the fidgety heap of grumpiness beside him, Herbie continued to natter away about getting acclimatised to the snail’s-pace of pastoral Irish life after so many years spent in the fraught, hustle-&-bustle of Hollywood: “They’re as nice-as-ninepence to ya just so long as yer putting bums on seats and bags of lolly in the bank – if not - they’ll drop ya like ‘ot potatah! Fankfully, the boss is always bankable – you put ‘is name on a marquee and you’s guaranteed a profit! ‘E still ‘as a core fanbase of millions who’ll come to everyfink ‘e’s in!”

Malky grunted a hollow, listless “Oh really?”

Unfazed, Herbie whispered in Malky’s ear: “Lissen, mate, if you wanna take the edge-off - ‘ave a drop of Irish. The boss keeps a flask in the glove-compartment for emergencies.”

Malky was caught off-guard and answered in an embarrassed stutter, “Er, no thanks, I don’t drink...”

“‘Recovering alcoholic’, are ya?” Herbie asked.

Although wholly nonplussed by the man’s audacity, Malky replied without raising his voice, “Let’s just say I had a problem at one time and leave it at that, shall we?”

But Herbie continued to pry, “Don’t take this the wrong way, pal, but you have the look of a man who’s no stranger to --”

“Oi! Enough!” Malky barked (Brooster woke up with a start), “Keep yer eyes on the road, Jeeves! Just cuz yer boss is willin’ to pay 7 grand for my services doesn’t give ye the right to dig into me personal life!”

Herbie was visibly taken aback by this unexpected tirade; he pulled down the peak of his cap so that it covered his eyes, straightened up in his seat, took the car up to a steady 40, and after a brief pause, spoke in a more professional tone, “I wuz only makin’ conversation, sir. If I’ve offended you in any way, I ‘umbly apologise and beg yer pardon, sir.”

“Forget it.” Malky turned away and looked out of the window.

A minute or two passed, and as the little surge of adrenalin dissipated, so the embarrassment sank in and he decided to restart the conversation, “Did I hear you tell Zindy you were in the army?”

Still somewhat narked, the chauffeur kept his eyes on the road and gave his name rank and number with the clipped diction of a well-drilled soldier, “Queen’s Royal Irish Fusiliers, 17 years: Corporal Herbert Valentino Gorringe 2063 reporting for duty, sah.”

Malky smiled, “Valentino?”

Herbie made a face, “It was that or Rudolph. My ol’ mum was a big fan. She was in-con-sole-able when ‘e died, grieved fer days, apparently.”

Where was another protracted pause, until Malky said, “I used to meet a lot of Tommies in Belfast in the early days of the Troubles. Seen a good few murdered, too. Bad times.”

The chauffeur turned slightly so that he could look Malky in the eye, “You wasn't chucking the ol’ Molotovs, was ya? You ain’t an ex-IRA man or anyfink like that, ‘is ya?!” Au contraire. Malky told him he was an ex-RUC policeman. Herbie was very interested, visibly relieved and wholly amazed, “Really? If you don’t mind me saying so - you don’t strike me as the type...?”

“My ambition was to be a detective, but I never made it out of uniform. I quit after my partner was gunned down right beside me and I went off the rails a bit and... Well, y’know...” Malky’s voice trailed off.

Herbie shook his head, “Gunned down right beside you? That’s rough that is.”

“But surely you’ve had near-death experiences yourself, Herbie, especially after 17 years in the army...?”

“Well, I wuz too young to serve in the war. I turned 17 the day after VE day. I didn’t join-up til the September of 46. And I never did no tour of duty in Norvern Ireland neevah, I was mostly overseas in Cyprus and the Middle East. We was part of a UN peace-keeping force tryin’ to keep the tribes apart: Jews, Muslims, Christians – not to mention the Greeks and the Turks! Bit like Belfast, but wiv loadsa sun, sand and bearded blokes in pyjamas wiv machine guns. Mind you, I saw the aftermaff of a lotta bombs, I saw fousands killed in genocides... terrible, ‘orrible it was... But I never really saw battle, just ‘minor skirmishes’. Luck, I suppose. It was during a tour of Norf Africa in 64 when I first met the boss!”

“Really,” asked Malky, suddenly interested, “you met oul’ Ollie while you were still in the army? You've been with him that long?”

Herbie was back on his favourite subject and relishing the opportunity to impart his favourite anecdote to a captive audience: “Oh yeah, it was me firtiefth birthday and I was on a day’s leave, so me and a couple of the lads went to Casablanca to paint the tahn several shades of crimson... and after a bit of a pub crawl rahnd the Kasbahs, I got separated from me mates, and while I was lookin’ fer ‘em, I strolls into this dark little tavern and sittin’ there in a corner was Oliver Laphen! Would you Adam ‘n’ Eve it?! ‘E was supposed to shootin’ an adventure movie wiv David Niven about archaeologists in World War Two called Diamonds in the Dust –- but he was skivin’-off cuz he’d ‘ad a row with the director and ‘e was layin’-low -- he didn’t wanna ‘ang round the ‘otel, so ‘e’s ‘iding-out in this dark little Kasbah, trying to be inconspicuous – wearin’ a black wig, big black shades, a kaftan and a fez - but I knew ‘im the minute I set eyes on ‘im! See, our CO was a big fan. He ‘ad all the reels of the comic shawts from the late 30s and some of the feature films the boss made for Paramahnt in the 40s – he used to get ‘em sent ovah and screen ‘em for the lads on a Satur’ay night! Anyway - there ‘e is, in the flesh, so-to-speak! Oliver Laphen! Jolly Ollie! So I go over an’ I say, ‘Can I ‘ave your autograwph Mr Laphen, sah?’ and at first ‘e‘s fumin’ – ‘e goes-off-on-one! Then ‘e calms dahn and says to me – ‘’ow the eff did you know it was me?!’ and I say ‘It’s the way you’re ‘olding your drink!’ Cuz ‘e’s always had this way of curling back ‘is little finger as if ‘e’s drinkin’ from the finest choy-nah. E ‘as these delicate li’l ‘ands, see...”

As he watched the chauffeur get more-and-more animated, Malky came to understand how a sensible, seemingly-well-balanced ex-squaddie like Herbert Valentino Gorringe could forsake marriage, family and blissful conformity just to spend his life at the beck-and-call of -- if popular opinion had it right -- a detestable, despotic, volatile, cranky little egomaniac like Oliver Laphen. Well, now he knew. Herbie wasn't just a fan – he was in love with the man. The pair’s long-term relationship had outlasted all of ‘The Quare Geg’s’ marriages put together. No wonder the story was related with such gusto and attention to detail, it was, after all, an epic romance.

“.... any’ow, at 400 hours, I ‘ad to get back to base, but before I go ‘e takes me to one side an’ ‘e says – ‘’Erbie, if you quit the army ‘n become my chauffeur and personal bodyguard, I’ll guarantee you a 50 knicker a week for starters, bed-‘n’-board - all the skirt you can ‘andle – plus -- you’ll get to see the world without ‘avin’ to worry abaht gettin’ yer ‘ead blown orf!’ So I laugh ‘n’ say I’ll fink about it. I fanked him for the best night of my life and we say ta-ra. I go back to camp finking it wuz all the blustah and idle boasts of a booze-‘ahnd and forgot abaht it.  But it didn’t stop ‘im. When ‘e asked for the fird and final time, I quit and I’ve been at ‘is beck-‘n’-call ever since.”

“Was it worth it, Herbie?” Malky asked.

The chauffeur thought long and hard about the question before answering. When he did, his voice was more mature and thoughtful, “E can be an ‘andful sometimes, but artistic people is prone to temperament, it’s ‘ow they’s able to do the fings they do. But I’ve learned ‘ow to balance it aht. I’ve been all over the world, visited all the major cities ‘n’ ‘istorical places... I’ve met a lotta Very Important People – besides movie stars an’ showbiz folk, there’s been world leaders, presidents, kings and queens, writers, top sportsmen – so whenever people awsk ‘’ow do you put up wiv ‘im?’ I say ‘take a look at me passport, me photos and me bank accahnt, moosh - there’s ‘ow!’” He turned to Malky and told him earnestly, “See, I’ve gotta lotta great memories. I’ve seen ‘istory bein’ made. I’ve supped Earl Grey wiv Picasso and knocked back bourbon wiv Dean ‘n’ Frank. I’ve made an omelette fer Einstein an’ cocktails for Noel Coward. I’ve played cards wiv Kate Hepburn for two straight days - and lost. No matter what the ol’ boy gets up to, I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.... Umm...” Something crossed his mind. When he spoke again, it was in a more tentative tone, “Look, before we get to the ‘ahse, I’d better mention the incident on Friday night wot started ‘im off.”

“Why? What happened on Friday night?” asked Malky, a little disconcerted.

“I was away visitin’ a lady-friend in Dublin, an’ apparently all the lights went aht and the ‘uge grandfavver clock in the lobby fell over and smashed on the floor -– the boss was frightened outta his wits -- fought it was burglars – so ‘e pressed one of the panic buttons and Charlie, our ‘ead of security, drove up to the ’ahse right away. But the power-cut musta shorted-aht the alarm system cuz ‘is swipe-card wouldn't work and the master key wouldn't turn in the lock! So, finkin’ ‘e’s under siege, the ol’ man pressed the button that calls the Old Bill, but by the time they got there, Charlie ‘ad managed to get in ‘n’ calm the old man down. Then the lights come on again – not just the lights that wuz on when the power went aht – but every single light in the ‘ole ahse including the bedrooms, bathrooms, the ballroom -- everywhere. By this stage, the boss is goin’ mental. Really, really scared.

“When I got back I got a right bollockin’ as if it was all my fault – like I ‘ad the temerity to ‘ave a night off! Any'ow, me ‘n’ Charlie searched that ahse from top to bottom; the cops  ‘n’ the security lads looked round the grounds, but we come up empty... there wuz nothin’ up iv the fuse-box, no sign of tamperin’ or anyfink dodgy.”

“Would the grandfather clock be easy to topple?” said Malky.

“Well, it’s set into the wall ‘n’ it’s solid, antique Bavarian pine, 9 foot tall wiv a ruddy great bell in it; it’s got a solid gold pendulum and it weighs around a two-and-an-‘alf ton, I couldn’t pull it dahn on me own.” Gorringe coughed then said, “And that’s the ovver fing... the boss’ been back on the bottle ever since, and if you know anyfink about the boss, you’ll know that ‘e’s a bit... volatile when ‘e’s on the sawse. So, ignore any strange behaviour, if y’know what I mean.”

Malky was a trifle miffed at being apprised of these tidings so late in the day; he was about to ask if there was anything else he should know when Herbie suddenly brightened and declared, “And ‘ere we are, my beauties! My little ‘ome-from-‘ome!”

Herbie slowed the limo to a funereal crawl as they entered a particularly picturesque little village, “Ahhh, ‘ave you ever been a little place like this before?” he asked, with a little smirk that hinted at a rhetorical question.

Malky honestly confessed, “No. I’m sure I’d remember if I had.”

“You wouldn’t ‘ave. This ‘ere is a protected community, see. Only a few people know about it.”

It was beautiful, rows of whitewashed thatched cottages with black gloss doors, all flowers beds and hanging baskets with a little square with a little roundabout in the centre, bedecked with a floral clock depicting the flag of St George (?); aside from the copious vegetation, there was very little sign of life and almost no sign of the 20th century. “What’s it called?”

“Bogmire. Pretty lousy name for such a laavly little ‘amlet, innit?”

If it wasn't for the faded & peeling Coca Cola sign stuck to the inside of the window of the post office-cum-newsagent and an old bicycle leaning against the bench outside a ramshackle little country pub (the Black Water Rat), they could be back in Tudor England. Malky made appreciative noises.

“It’s like a little oasis from bygone days, innit? You feel as if you’ve slipped frew a time-warp – eh?! But the funny thing is – it ain't Irish! See, most of the people ‘oo live ‘ere are descended from English peasant stock! Most of ‘em is originally from the wilds o’ Cornwall! The Duke of Roxborough brought ‘em ovah to build Pagham ‘Ahse ‘n ‘e built these ‘ere cottages for ‘em – and believe it or not, they lasted through the rebellion cos of a pact between the Irish rebels and the Roxborough family ‘n they’ve been ‘ere ever since. When ‘e bought the ahse the only proviso wuz that we keep the staff and let the Supplicants – that’s their religion, that is – live ‘n’ work on the estate.” Herbie went on to tell of the locals’ strange customs and bizarre lifestyle in a disbelieving tone, “... and they've been doin’ it fer 200 years straight!”

Malky looked around, “And this is all part of the estate?”

“Yep, it came with the ahse!”

This didn’t surprise Malky one bit. For an Irish ex-pat, the old man wasn't renowned for his patriotism; in fact, he was a close friend of Princess Margaret and during the height of the Troubles in the 70s he was renowned for making disparaging noises about the Republican movement in Ireland from the safety of his Bel Air mansion (when Lord Mountbatten was murdered by the IRA he told a NBC TV news reporter that the terrorists in question were ‘like a bunch of weasels attacking a lion’ and that Britain should ‘string ‘em up’), he was frequent visitor to the Whitehouse when the Republicans were in office, and was often mooted to be an anonymous sponsor of various right-of-centre US politicos -- he backed Nixon over Kennedy, was close to Ronnie Reagan since his  days as chairman of Screen Actors Guild, and was a frequent house guest of George Bush senior -- all of which made him a potential target for disgruntled boyos on both sides of the pond. It made sense that he’d want to live out his twilight years in a little slice of England transplanted into the heart of the Irish countryside, it suited his style: contrary to the end.

Herbie pulled-up outside a dainty little general store called The Peppermint Poke. The window was full of candy jars and pastries neatly arranged on little lacy paper doilies, “Dora oo runs the Poke is an Outsider, meanin’ she’s married to one of the Supplicants so she’s allowed to run a shop. None of ‘em is allowed to ‘ave a shop or make profit from their work, so the outsiders tend to do them fings, like business transactions and that. The local garda sergeant is an outsider, too -- he lives in that li’l cottage ovah there.” he pointed to one of the gleaming residences across the square...” Herbie opened the door, “I’m just gonna go in and get the Sunday papers ‘n’ a tube of Polos... I’ll only be a sec.”

Malky wound down his window to inhale the compliment of delicious odours to accompany the view: flowers, mown lawns and more flowers, “very restful. Then he heard a rumble outside the car -- a motorcycle had pulled up alongside and its rider, wearing a helmet with a dark visor, was looking through the driver’s-side-window. What’s this? Malky shrank back in his seat....The rider casually unzipped his black leather jacket and reached inside – for a second Malky flinched -- but instead of a weapon, he produced a video camera. Malky knew a maverick paparazzo when he saw one and immediately flew into a rage – he lunged out of the open widow, shook his fist and yelled, “Piss-off ya bastard! Get that f**kin’ thing outta my face or I’ll put my foot in yer arse!”

The shouting roused Broo from his slumbers. He saw the motorcyclist, heard Malky screaming and instinctively barked loudly and forcefully -- until he sensed that the stranger posed no threat and Malky appeared to be overreacting. He stopped barking, gave himself a shake and tried to get his bearings. The cameraman was quite small, dressed in biker’s leathers like Zindy’s biker chums, but these were more expensive and unsullied by general wear-&-tear. Then, as the bleariness subsided and his eyes refocused, Broo saw something that both startled and alarmed him. At first he thought it was the motorcycle’s exhaust fumes, then he realised the figure was shrouded in what he could only describe as a purplish-halo -- whatever it was, it was unlike any aura he’d ever seen before.

Malky was fit to be tied, “I’m not gonna tell you again, friend! If you don’t fuck aff immediately I’m gonna come out there and stick that camera where the sun don’t shine!!”

“That’s a take!” The biker cried, packing away his camera, “Thank you sir! Have a nice day!” he said and roared off, leaving a cloud of blue smoke in his wake. “Bloody paps – see – this is what happens when you do somebody a favour,” grumbled Malky.

Broo was still drinking in the atmosphere and looking for anomalies. Having been in places like this all over Ireland, the old dog had noted that each dainty village and township they visited had its own peculiar little ripples of the past shining through the present. On his travels he’d heard the echoes of ancient battles in the silence of the first light of dawn; he’d seen the children of ancient tribes playing on a busy motorway at noon; he’d seen 16th century Spanish galleons off the coast at Cork -– but Bogmire was a spiritual desert: there was absolutely nothing to sense or feel beyond the here and now. It was clearly old, spotless and brightly painted, but utterly devoid of soul. And that smell... beneath the floral scents and peat smoke, lay an ever-present stench that marred the otherwise wholesomeness of the place. Even for a dog that usually salivated at the stink of putrid flesh, it was hard to stomach. Most unusual...

Just then they heard the little tinkle of a bell and Herbie emerged from the shop with a bundle of newspapers under his arm and a Polo mint in his cheek; he got back in and offered one to Malky, “Did I ‘ear a mo’orbike?” he asked, “I was chattin' to Dora and I could've swawn I ‘eard a rumblin’ sahnd...?”

“Just a guy askin’ for directions,” said Malky, “so I told him where to go...”  

At that very moment, 3000 miles away, in the kitchen of a townhouse in North York, Toronto, Canada, the man of the house appeared in the kitchen doorway, barefoot in his pyjama bottoms, unshaven, hands deep in the pockets of his bedraggled dressing gown. 

“Emil! What the f**k?! Go get dressed – we’re late as it is!” shouted Fran, ever the fiery redhead, dressed to the nines in her Sunday-best, rifling through her purse in search of her car keys, “I told you to get ready an hour ago!” They were supposed to be going to her niece’s christening and they were running 10 minutes late. She looked under the cushions in the lounge; she looked in and under the couch; she checked every pocket in the coat rack. “Where the f**k are they?!!”

Emil watched her, his arms hanging by his sides, and said, “I’m not going. I have the shits.” 

Did I just say that? What the f**k?!

Fran, currently poking through the trash in the pedal-bin with the salad-tongs, threw her head back and mocked him in an ironic voice, “Hah! I knew it! Mom warned me – ‘he won’t go – he doesn’t even own a suit’! Well, it suits me – I don’t have to watch you get drunk and throw up in the swimming pool or make a pass at a waitress... Owww-ouch!” she’d cut her knuckle on the edge of a jagged tuna can, “F**k this!” she kicked the bin and ran to the sink to rinse it, screaming, “F**K! F**K! WHERE THE F**K ARE MY F**KING KEYS!!”

He knew exactly where they were. They were in his pocket. He was holding them in the palm of his hand; but for some strange reason he didn’t hand them over. It wasn't that he didn’t want to, it was because he couldn't. And no matter how hard he tried to communicate, his body wouldn't respond; he let her go on searching and said nothing.

She went to the knick-knack drawer in the welsh-dresser, rummaged around in the back and eventually emerged triumphant, “Ah - hah! The spare! I knew I’d put it somewhere!!” She had one last look in the mirror to check her mascara and top-up her lip gloss, “... If you go out make sure you turn on the alarm.... and if you go back to bed - don’t f**king smoke! That’s a new quilt and I don’t want it looking like somebody’s used it for target practice!” She strode down the hall to the front door; a few seconds later she came stomping back, madder than ever “You f**king asshole! You've done it again!! You've boxed me in! I can’t get my car out!” 

Emil remained silent. 

“Emil!” She approached him and looked up into his dull, blue eyes, “EMIL! You have to move your car! Are you listening to me?!

He stood and stared.

“Emil!”

“See you later, legislator,” he said, without smiling. It was a catchphrase he used when they said goodbye on the doorstep in those early days when they first moved in together; but here & now it just sounded weird. She gave him a sideways look, “Are you stoned?”

“Take my car.” He dangled his keys on his pinkie.

She grimaced at the smell of his breath, glowered and said, “Listen... I don’t know what the hell you’re on or what you are trying to pull, but my mother will be frothing at the mouth -– I was supposed to pick her 15 minutes ago -– this is a crisis!”

He dangled his keys.

She drew herself up and bawled in his face, “GET OUT THERE AND MOVE YOUR F**KING CAR!”

He jangled his keys.

She slammed her key down on the table and snatched his in one frighteningly limber move, “RIGHT! – I’m calling your bluff, asshole – I’m taking your beloved Porsche! You can take my Volvo -- I wonder what all those cutesy little students of yours will think when they see the delectable Dr Labatt driving through campus in a busted-up soccer-mom-mobile?!”

Emil stared back, unblinking and blank, and said, “I’ll miss you, Fran. You’re alright.”  

“F**k you, asshole!” She thrust the finger in his face and stormed out.

The slamming door was the last thing Emil heard before the darkness descended...

A few miles from Bogmire, along a road that was little more than a narrow lane, they arrived at a long, narrow lane lined on one side by yew trees concealing a tall, ivy-covered, red-brick wall that contained the entrance to Pagham House (or Paggum Ahse, as Herbie called it, making it sound like a particularly nasty proctological affliction), the stately-home of Oliver Laphen. Herbie reached into the inside pocket of his tunic and produced a small remote-control which he used to open a pair of inconspicuous but heavily fortified, solid iron gates, “As you can imagine, the boss is fanatical about security,” he pointed to the CCTV cameras perched atop the pillars either side of the gate, “this place ‘as got more cameras than Fort Knox.”

Inside of course, it was different story entirely: acres of well-tended lawns as smooth as billiard-table-baizes; vast flower beds moistened by a huge sprinkler system; topiary styled to resemble the figures in the Ascent of Man leading to the entrance of an extensive privet-maze; an enormous, ornate white-marble fountain with alabaster cherubs pissing into the air. It was all very tastefully ostentatious.

Like most of the world, his knowledge of Oliver Laphen was based on sensational gossip-columns he’d read in tatty magazines in various waiting-rooms over the years and the odd interview on Parkinson. Because Laphen was such an intensely private man, there were no official biographies and he used the services of an extremely litigious LA law firm to stymie any scandalous tomes that might shed light on the mystery he’d carefully nurtured over the years – a tantalising question: where did this fiery, working class, comic genius come from? The more reclusive he became, the more public interest increased, the more speculative the press became about his private life, the more outrageous the rumours -– the more tickets he sold. His career was indestructible. Not that everything was rosy on the home front. Enigmas, especially rich, volatile enigmas, are pap magnets; a good picture will fetch upwards of $10,000 so he was tabloid fodder from the day he stepped into the limelight. Editors from LA to Tokyo dispatched an army of dedicated investigative journalists to Dublin where they pored over thousands of files in public records offices in an attempt to trace the Laphen family line, but they always drew a blank: Jolly Ollie’s pedigree remained a tantalising mystery. He was certainly an Irishman by birth but refused to say anything about his childhood other than he was ‘educated by sadistic nuns’; he never talked about any parents or siblings and nobody knew where in Ireland he was from -- his accent was hard to pinpoint and changed as often as his anecdotes, the most famous of which was the story of his emigration to America when he allegedly stowed-away on a liner bound for New York at the age of 13 in 1929. After evading processing at Ellis Island he hitched his way across the States east to west and landed in Hollywood, where, according to (his) legend, he slept on the beach and did whatever work he could find during the day. At night he’d ‘hone his art’ performing slapstick in vaudeville, readying himself for stardom; two years later, at the age of 16, he was discovered by the celebrated ‘King Of Comedy’ Max Sennett. The talkies were the new big thing, and at a time when most silent stars were finding it impossible to ‘sound funny’, Ollie’s cartoonish Irish accent was a godsend and Sennett gave him his own series of 15 minute shorts. As Laphen retold this story over the subsequent decades, the narrative was wont to evolve until the embellishments rendered it wholly unreliable.

In the mid-30s when he traded under the moniker Ollie Laffin, he was happy to mug and gurn for the downmarket rags and Pathé News presentations; then, when he got ‘serious’ in the late-40s/early-50s, he stopped playing the fool and became a semi-reclusive thesp. The post-war world was a different place: screwball comedy and slapstick was old hat and Ollie was too canny to go down with the ship. When he returned to movies in ‘46 he went under the name of Oliver Laphen, stopped doing interviews and avoided all ‘that red carpet bollox’, preferring to leave the PR to his co-stars and directors who’d either guardedly sing his praises or proffer equivocal comments that were actually thinly-veiled digs, such as: ‘[working with] Mr Laphen was an experience I’ll never forget... but I’m trying.’ (Lauren Bacall) ‘He brings a piece of himself to every role and playing the villain comes so naturally [to him]...’ (David Niven), but one vox-pop in particular had stuck in in Malky’s mind: "He kept us mere mortals waiting for 4 hours before gracing us with His Presence, we went $4 million over-budget, 4 producers suffered a collective nervous breakdown and 2 of the crew died from heatstroke, but when you hire [Oliver Laphen], you get the best and some studios are prepared to set aside a few million to ‘feed the beast’.” Regardless of what his fellow-travellers thought of him, and how big a pain in the arse he was, Ollie Laphen = Box Office Gold.

“There she is!” cried Herbie, like an enthusiastic tour guide. The Rolls had rounded a bend in the driveway and Malky got his first glimpse of Pagham House.

“Jeez –- house is too small a word, Herbie! This makes Windsor Castle look like a B&B!” said Malky, when confronted by the huge, sandstone edifice of palatial proportions, with rows of latticed gothic windows, draped with thick beards of ivy.

The chauffeur chuckled, “Impressive, eh? It used to belong to the 10th Duke of Roxborough til ‘e fell on ‘ard-times ‘n the boss made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. We rent it aht when we’re ahtta town. It’s very popular wiv the Arabs ‘n the Chinese. It’s got 30 rooms, swimming pool, gym, ballroom, sauna -- it even has its own church -- the works!” They pulled into a gravel forecourt and parked at the foot of a huge white marble staircase leading up to a tastefully-weathered, balustrade-lined terrace. But Malky’s attention was drawn to another vehicle parked to the right of the steps: namely, the same Harley-Davison touring bike he’d seen in the village, and sitting on the steps was the mysterious rider/cameraman filming them as they drew up!

Malky was furious all over again, “What’s he doing here?”

“More to the point, ‘ow the ‘ell did ‘e get in?!” said Herbie, slowly unclipping his seat belt and opening his door, “I’ll ‘andle this...” Herbie got out, straightened his cap and walked toward the diminutive figure, “Can I ‘elp you, mate...?” Malky heard him ask, and then he and Broo watched as the biker promptly stopped filming, jumped down and met the burly chauffeur head-on -- he took off his helmet, grinned, opened his arms and the two embraced like they were very pleased to see each other.

“Uncle Herb – you look great!” trilled a cherub-cheeked, heavily-freckled, copper-headed American kid in his mid-20s, brimming with childlike-enthusiasm, speaking quickly and excitedly, “Listen - we’re gonna be shooting in July! I’m here to scout for locations and do the final negotiations...!” The lad stopped short when he noticed Malky trudging across the gravel.

“Sorry, Mr Calvert sir, I got a bit distracted then,” said Herbie, putting a hand on the young man’s shoulder, “This ‘ere’s Kristof Katz, Mr Laphen’s grandson. Kris – this-‘ere is Mr Malcolm Calvert ‘oo’s come to... erm... sort out a little... plumbing problem...”

The young Master Katz took off a leather gauntlet, shook Malky’s hand, chattering incessantly, “Very pleased to meet you sir, I’m very sorry for the candid camera incident, but when I saw the car I thought my grandfather was inside and I wanted to catch him unawares but I caught you unawares and once you started to rant I couldn’t resist capturing that intense anger! I guess it’s the habit of lifetime -- Herb here will tell ya -- I’ve hadda movie-camera in my mitt since I was old enough to lift one – isn’t that right Uncle Herb? I’m a total geek!”

Malky gaped at him as if he’d arrived from another planet.

“Yer caffeinated up-to the-eyeballs again!” said Herbie, playfully clipping him round the ear and scolding him like a naughty schoolboy, “jet-lagged, ridin’ rahnd windin’ cahntry roads on a bleedin’ two-wheeled deff-trap?! Are y’ off your trolley, boy?! You coulda been killed -- there’s farm vehicles on these-‘ere roads, you coulda turned an ‘airpin bend an’ wahnd-up in the blades of a combine ‘arvester or summink!!”

Kris apologised for his over-enthusiasm and slowed down, “... anyhow, pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr Calvert,” he turned and pointed behind him, “welcome to Ollie Towers, The Laphen House -- Xanadu -- whatever you wanna call it.”

Now that he was up close, Malky saw the family resemblance; the lad was short, around 5’ 5”, the same steely-blue peepers and winsome dimples that had graced millions-upon-millions of magazine covers since 1930. Malky felt compelled to comment, “I must say, you are the spitting image of your granddad.”

Herbie was gushing again, “Not only that -- but he’s in’erited his talent too! Kris is a movie director!” he tweaked the lad’s cheek and pretended to punch his jaw.

Kris went all aw-shucks and kicked at the gravel with the toe of a leather boot, “Well, I’m about to direct my first full-length feature. I’m very excited. It’s been in development hell for 3 or 4 years and now it’s finally in pre-production.”  

“’E’s like a son to me!” Herbie put an arm around Kris’ shoulders, tweaked his cheek again and beamed, “when he was a nipper ‘is mum used to leave ‘im wif me on those days when she was... erm... uvverwise occupied...”

Kris, utterly unfazed, merrily took up the slack and filled in the blanks, “What Herb won’t tell you is my mom – Annelise Katz, née Laphen - had a lotta ‘substance abuse issues’ at the time, Mr Calvert. She used to unload me onto Herbie for weeks on end when she went on a jag [Now that the lad had mentioned it, Malky recalled reading something about one of Laphen’s daughters getting arrested for possession in the late 60s. In fact, from what he could remember, all 8 of the Quare Geg’s children had ‘issues’ of one kind or another]. Thankfully she’s been clean and sober for the past 6 years and now she’s counselling other women with similar issues...” he squeezed the hand dangling on his shoulder, “So I have this man to thank for givin’ me a relatively normal childhood! We used to play on the film sets in the studios when gramps was making a movie - that’s where I got my training!”

Herbie blushed, “Ach, it wasn't ideal, but where else was I gonna take ya? You know your granddad always ‘as to ‘ave me arahnd to fetch and carry for ‘im. And watchin’ a film get made is like watchin’ paint dry, if you awsk me - it’s a wonder it didn’t put you off movies for life!”

They were distracted by the sound of paws hitting gravel. The old dog had finally exited the Rolls but didn’t join them; he kept close to the car and watched from a distance. “Whassup wiv the pooch, ‘e’s gawn a bit shy, ‘in ‘e?” asked Herbie.

Malky called out to him: “What’s the matter with you, Hopalong? What has you all cagey, huh? Come over here and say hello!”

“Aww, look, he’s only got three legs,” crooned Kris, in a childishly sympathetic voice. Broo whimpered as he watched the glowing boy walk toward him, stooped and spoke softly as if addressing a bashful toddler, “You don’t have to be afraid of me, boy, I wouldn't hurt a fly! No I wouldn't...” he reached out

Broo recoiled and whimpered: Get off me, you idiot... you’re killing me!

But Kris carried on, unaware of the old dog’s distress, “Easy, boy, I won’t hurt you...”

AARGH!!

Kris cuddled him, stroked his back and made silly noises, “Eh? Who’s a handsome fella, then? You must quite the VIP, huh? A German Shepherd who’s so important he gets to ride around in the back of a limousine...?”

Mercifully, he was rudely interrupted by a loud voice from above, “Where the f**k have you been, Gorringe?!”

The boy stopped petting and turned away – Broo (unseen) wobbled for a second then keeled over.

There was an elderly man in a gaping, black silk kimono, electric-blue satin boxer-shorts, and bright green unlaced baseball boots standing at the top of steps; he pointed at Kris with an accusing finger, “and what-the-f**k’s that wee ginger gobshite doing on my property?!”

Malky looked up and regarded their prospective client. His collar length grey hair was thinning and unruly as if he’d just got out of bed, his heavily lined face clenched in distaste; but underneath the grizzled exterior and the bizarre attire, was none other the Quare Geg Himself: the fun-loving Ollie Laphen, former Crown Prince of Comedy! Looking at him now, though, it seemed there was little to laugh about, but you wouldn't know it to hear his grandson.

“Gramps! How-the-hell are you?! It’s me, Kris!” The boy put the helmet on the seat of the Harley and joyfully bounded-up the steps two-at-a-time, “so goo-ood to see you, dude...” he embraced the frail, bristly figure - who immediately pushed him away. “Gitcher filthy hands affa me, ye wee shite!! I’m not senile yet -- I know damn-well who you are!” Laphen put his fists on his hips and sneered in a high-pitched whine, “Whaddya want from me this time? Money, is it? Well, you can feck-off back to La-La Land - this bank is closed! Go and ask that crooked auld kike of a father o’ yours – oh yeah, I forgot – he’s back in the bankruptcy courts -- yet-again -- after yet-another one of his half-assed business-deals went tits-up in the water – still - why break the habit of a lifetime, huh? Once a loser, always a loser!” he stuck his little pug nose in the air, stuck out his chin and tied the belt of his silk kimono, like a superannuated prize-fighter squaring-up at a weigh-in. 

Doing his best to suppress a fit of giggles, Kris reassured him in a sober tone, “S’OK gramps, don’t have a cow, man. I don’t need any of your filthy lucre, after all -- we've got a backer! And for the record –- I’ve never asked you for anything in my life, you old goat -- and you know it!”

Laphen stepped closer, “Why are you here then?”

“To see you you...” said Kris, smirking.

Laphen went nose-to-nose with his grandson and growled, “So, you don’t need me?! Well! You've seen me! Now piss off!”

Kris put a hand on the old man’s shoulder and smiled, warmly, “C'mon, we’d better get you inside, it’s quite chilly out here and we wouldn't want you catching cold, now, would we?”

The old man swatted the hand away like a particularly stubborn piece of lint, “Stop treatin’ me like a feckin’ invalid! I’m perfectly capable of walkin’ unaided – I’m not in a feckin’ wheelchair yet!” in the same breath, he broke away, looked down at Herbie, pointed at Malky and barked, “Is this the guy?”

“Yessah!” Herbie replied, standing to attention, as if addressed by a superior officer, “this is Mr Malcolm Calvert, the, erm... consultant from Brodir.”

“Well – don’t just stand there like a spare cock at a hen-night! Bring him in!”

With that, Laphen stomped back to the house with Kris walking alongside him, chatting incessantly despite the cold shoulder.

As Herbie fetched his overnight bag from the trunk of the Rolls, Malky watched them walk off and commented, “Chirpy little git, isn't he?”  

Herbie slammed the lid shut and explained in a low voice, “Don’t let the ol’ Scrooge act give ya the wrong impression, Mr C. Kris is the apple of the old man’s eye - ‘e dotes on that boy. This is the way they speak to each uvvah. There’s no real malice intended so it’s best if you just let ‘em get on wiv it. Neevah wants to admit that it’s all a big contest to see who’ll crack first –- it usually ends in ‘uge laughs all-round. Only fing is the old man’s been ‘ittin’ the bottle again. I’m afraid ‘e’ll end-up sayin’ somefink really ‘urtful to the boy and ‘e might never come back. Kris is the only grandchild ‘oo ever comes to visit, see -- so for all of our sakes -- I ‘ope they chill-aht 'n have a civilised conversation.”

“Uh-huh,” Malky grunted, distractedly. The more he heard, the stronger the temptation to hand back the cheque and book a taxi back to Brodir, but he was so hungry now he had no choice but to reserve judgement until after dinner.

As they climbed the steps he suddenly realised they’d forgotten someone; he looked back and saw that his trusty companion was finding it hard to drag himself up, “Och, c’mon Broo, they’re not as steep as the stairs at the inn -- and you manage to climb those when you fancy a drink from the bog!” said Malky, turning away.

Broo could barely stand, let alone climb a flight of steps. When the young leatherman approached to indulge in a spot of light-petting and the strange, purplish halo enveloped him, Broo was instantly numbed -- he felt a sensation akin to sinking into a vat of virulent, viscous quicksand; a toxic vapour overwhelmed his senses -– and when the boy eventually let go, the dread feeling went with him. Alas, the men were too busy to notice him collapse in a heap, having been distracted by the sudden appearance of an angry old man who smelled of cigarettes, alcohol and bathsalts. Then something strange happened: when the younger man climbed the steps -- the aura around him grew more transparent –- by the time he embraced the old man - it had evaporated completely! One second it was there, the next – nothing. This was most perplexing. And if his senses were to be believed, aside from a few passing crows, there were none of the usual creatures one would find on an estate as big as this. Just like the village, there was no livestock or wildlife in the vicinity at all. Not only that, but as his head cleared, he realised that something else was missing: there’s no sign of anything Other in the ether either, and that bothered him most of all. The sky was darkening for dusk, the shadows were lengthening and the sun was low, so why are there no apparitions in the Golden Hour? Where was the shimmering residual energy of past events that can only be glimpsed through the rays of twilight? In a land such as this, historically ravaged by epidemics, tribal violence, famine and murderous invaders, there should be at least a few ghostly children playing in the fields... And yet, there’s nothing. If the Barry McKee case had taught him anything at all, it was to Beware Spiritual Vacuums. Bad things happen in Spiritual Vacuums.

... at that very moment (12:56 US Eastern Time), approximately 3600 miles away, at a checkpoint at the Canadian/United States’ border, on the Peace Bridge at Fort Erie, between Ontario and Buffalo, New York State...

“Sir? Sir... hello...

“Sir?!

“Wind down the window, sir!”

Somewhere... off in the distance Emil heard a man’s voice and a clicking sound. Metal on glass...

It wasn't like waking up, more like someone switching on a light. He was sitting in Fran’s Volvo, at what appeared to be the US/Canadian border!

“Sir, would you please wind down your window?” the muffled voice barked “SIR?!”

In his peripheral vision, Emil discerned a uniformed figure peering through the window. A US border patrol guard?! Holy shit?! What the f**k is going on?! 

But the inner-turmoil, dislocation and downright terror didn’t register on his face: on the outside, he was deadpan, ice-cool and composed. The inner-Emil watched his own hand reach out and push the button that wound down the window; he felt the crisp breeze buffet his face and arms as the glass descended.  If this is a dream, it’s very vivid. The guard stooped, leaned-in and sniffed the inside of the car. The outer-Emil remained unfazed, but when he caught a glimpse of himself in the wing-mirror, he soon realised why the guard was so suspicious.

He appeared to be wearing an unbelted towelling bathrobe, pyjama pants and his XXL Jimi Hendrix tee-shirt -- the ensemble he wore when he was slouching around the apartment... Shit -- you gotta be kidding me -- no briefs?! He desperately wanted to grab the hem of the gown and tuck the tails between his legs, but his arms refused to budge!

The certainties: it was daylight; he was at the border. I’m driving my wife’s 1979 Volvo estate dressed like an extra from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest! This has to be a dream! I’m gonna wake up at any minute...

Meanwhile, somewhat surprised that he couldn't smell any liquor, the guard returned to the business in hand, “May I see your passport, sir?!” he asked, acidly, in a thick New England accent. He was leaning on the roof now, the midday-sun gleaming off the chrome-plated badge on his cap; despite the dazzling flashes, Emil’s eyes refused to blink. The Inner-Emil wanted to grab his tie and shout: Stop me! I’m out of my mind! but his lips remained firmly zipped; his body remained still. For all-intents-and-purposes, he was a puppet with no mind of his own.

So who’s pulling the strings?

The guard was getting impatient; he pointed at the passenger seat, and snapped, “Your passport, sir!!

Emil’s outer voice said “Passport?”

The guard pointed, “It’s there. Right beside you, sir.”

His head turned to the right and he found himself looking down at the passenger seat; sure-enough, sitting atop an array of various official papers, was his passport. He saw his hand reach out, pick it up and hand it over. Maintaining eye-contact, the guard took the little booklet, ceremoniously shook it open and read it with a disdainful look. Emil had taken many acid trips and tried every psychedelic he could get his mitts on, but this was unlike anything he’d ever experienced in his voyages through the Doors of Perception. So what does that leave? Sleepwalking? He tried to make the fingers of his left hand pinch his thigh... but nothing.

“What brings you to the US, Mr Labatt?”

Emil heard himself say, “Doctor Labatt. I’m on my way to visit an elderly relative, if you must know. She’s very ill. Dying. It’s an emergency.”

What?!

“... Are you planning to drive all the way, Dr Labatt?” the guard asked, doubtfully.

The inner-Emil wanted to cry out: I don’t wanna drive anywhere! I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m doing! Please call my wife, Frances – she’ll come and get me!! In fact – arrest me! Take me into custody right now!!

Instead he heard his outer voice reply, dryly, “Yes, officer. Driving all the way.”

The guard handed back the passport, sighed heavily and asked pointedly, “Dr Labatt, have you been imbibing today? Narcotics, alcohol, have you taken any prescription drugs that might affect your ability to drive?”

This could work to his advantage: if I’m cheeky enough they might arrest me on suspicion of DUI! Alas, the invisible ventriloquist kept the voice calm and answered succinctly, “I most certainly have not been imbibing, officer. I’m a well-respected forensic scientist and a senior lecturer at the University of Toronto. I’m on my way to Baltimore to see an elderly relative with a terminal illness. It’s matter of some urgency. I need to get on.”

Baltimore?!

The guard handed back the passport and enquired, brusquely, “Carrying any foodstuffs, livestock including pets, liquor or sundries that may be considered contraband by the United States of America?”

“No, sir.”

“Then, would you mind popping the trunk, sir?”

Emil didn’t stir.

“Sir... pop the trunk?”

“This is my wife’s car and I don’t know where the trunk popper is.”

‘Trunk popper’?! Listen to me! Arrest me, you fool! I’m frickin’ nuts!!

Shaking his head, the guard reached in and groped under the wheel; “There she is,” and tugged the lever.

While the guard searched the trunk, the Inner-Emil tried to think logically: Could I have been inadvertently poisoned at the lab? Unlikely, he was very careful about sterilisation and wore a mask at all times... Have I ingested something in the course of my work... a fungus...? A spoor that causes one to act out in some way...? But he was ignoring the obvious: there was a taste in his mouth -- a taste that was as familiar as it was bitter and earthy that usually preceded the bouts of sickness. In fact, it had been happening ever since he’d got back from the dig in Kildare 2 years ago when they discovered the bog mummies (he’d abandoned the annual expeditions after his little fling with Niamh). Lately, he’d been prone to intermittent lapses in consciousness and bouts of short-term memory-loss. He’d find himself staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror for hours on end. Fran thought he was smoking too much weed, but not even strongest strain of mary jane could induce blackouts like this, and nothing would leave a taste in his mouth this bad.

The trunk slammed shut. The guard returned, “Everything seems to be in order, Dr Labatt...” he leaned on the roof and spoke close, “Listen doc, if I was you I’d stop at the first motel I came to and I’d get myself a couple of hours sleep. Then I’d have a shower and a change of clothes and I’d drive the rest of the way feeling wide awake ‘n refreshed. I wouldn't want to fall asleep at the wheel and maybe kill myself or some innocent folk who were unlucky enough to be travellin’ the same road. Whaddya say to that, doc?”

An uneasy silence followed. The inner-Emil waited for his body to respond but nothing came: his eyes remained unblinking, his mouth stayed shut. He prayed that this was a turning point -- that he’d do something so outrageous they’d have to take him in -- but it never came. Finally, the guard sighed and patted the roof with the flat of his hand, “Welcome to the United States, doctor.”

Before the lights went out, Emil heard his voice reply with a curt, “Thank you. Have a nice day.” He felt his right hand release the handbrake; he felt his foot gently depress the accelerator. He watched as the Volvo taxied through the checkpoint; he paid the toll and ventured onto the open road... that was the last thing he remembered before the darkness descended again...

Malahide, Dublin: The Somerville family were going to Mass.

“Put on yer seat-belt, Cate, luv. You don’t have to sit in the baby-seat but you still have to strap yerself in,” said Somerville, getting into the driver’s seat.

In the back, Cate turned to her younger sister, “See, Cathy – he called it a ‘baby’ seat!’”

“Mommeeeeeeee!” Cathy wailed.

Pat got into the passenger seat and took control: “Ssshhhh, Cathy.... Cate don’t tease Cathy! You’ll start her off -- then baby Clare will start!” She playfully slapped her husband’s shoulder, “That’s your fault, daddy! It’s a CAR seat not a BABY seat, silly -– it even says so on the little label ‘Car Seat’ –- so-there, Miss smarty-pants-Caitlin -- you were wrong!”

“Daddy said it not me.”

“It was a slip of the tongue, Pat.”

“He didn’t mean to say it, Cathy. I’ll never hear the feckin end of this... will you be more careful what you say!”

“I’m not a baby I’m 4 and 4 months! I have to sit in it cuz I’m too wee for the seat belt!”

“That’s right! You tell ‘em Cathy! It’s a seat for small people, not babies! Cathy’s very sensitive and unassertive and I’m trying to build her confidence!”

“Daddy, what’s ‘police brutality’?” asked Cate, apropos of nothing.

“Where did you hear about ‘police brutality’?” said Somerville, looking at her in the rear-view mirror.

“One of the older girls shouted it when Sister Marie dragged her into the bogs to wash her face.”

“Toilets, Ladies, loo or lavatory, please, Cate, dear. What are bogs?” said Pat, sternly.

“Sorry mommy: ‘Bogs are Irish swamps...’” Cate sang, rolling her eyes.

Herbie led the way through the huge front door into a huge, cavernous sandstone vestibule lit by a quartet of gothic, arched windows, not unlike the narthex of a Christian church, but cluttered with precisely the sort of tone-lowering kitschy bric-a-brac that one would expect a working-class-boy-made-good to put on display -- as much a screw you to visiting nobs & snobs as it was a totem to his wealth and wilful nature, to wit: a suit of armour wearing an American Indian headdress, a deep-sea diving-suit with a stuffed monkey’s head in the helmet; a pair of large Persian vases filled with strange umbrellas. One item in particular gave Malky cause for pause: standing to the left of the adjoining Gothic archway, stood a life-sized waxwork of the Master of Mirth himself, fashioned and dressed to represent his ‘hey-day’ in the 30s; this waxen Laphen was the youthful, joyful Jolly Ollie Laffin, grinning that trademark  squidgy-grin, complete with pinchable dimples, the rash of freckles across the bridge of his little pug-nose, the glassy sky-blue eyes gleaming like sapphires – you couldn't help but smile. Malky couldn't help but remark, “Whatever happened to that sweet li’l guy, eh?”

The burly chauffeur didn’t take the bait and doggedly maintained his chummy, sunny disposition, providing information with the patter of a well-informed tour-guide, “That used to reside in the foy-yer at Madame Toussauds in Lahndahn! They replaced it wiv a more recent model in the 70s an’ the boss brought the originals back ‘ere when he bought the ahse. This one was done in ’38, just after his first full-length feature: Ollie and Molly Strike Oil!” Herbie moved to the right of the connecting archway and unconsciously adopted an almost identical pose to the grinning effigy on the left, “This way, Mr Calvert. I’ll take you to yer room and you can freshen up ‘n that ‘n we can tawk about the ‘situation’ over dinnah.”

As they walked through a slate-floored lobby lit by muted spotlights, it was more of the same: a veritable Ollie Laphen museum exhibit; an autobiography laid out chronologically -- from glass-cases containing newspaper columns, magazine covers and PR stills from the slapstick days of the 1930s -- to the chin-stroking thesp (a framed headline in The Irish News: ‘Laphen’s Lear is a masterclass!’). The dark, wood-panelled walls were lined with framed photographs of Ollie pressing flesh and embracing some of the greatest movie-makers, movers-and-shakers of the past 60 years: FDR, Bogart, Monroe, Gable, Jackie O, Bing, Hope, Groucho, Einstein, Fidel, Vidal, Hitchcock, Wayne, JFK, Johnson, Nixon, Kissinger, Elvis, the Dalai Lama, the Beatles, the Queen of England and various royals – as far as the 20th century is concerned, Ollie is the OED definition of ubiquitous. As they passed through the connecting archway, Malky got quite a jolt - enough to stop him dead in his tracks. Dead being the appropriate word, for in the shadows of the dimly lit reception hall stood a menagerie of dead things ready to attack -- lions, bears, tigers, panthers -- feral, snarling, glassy-eyed, posed in a stance of attack; ugly birds-of-prey hung on wires from the rafters, talons bared, poised to swoop; and to be certain that arachnophobes didn’t feel excluded, there were a few tarantulas strategically attached to various pillars and posts.

Malky gaped and gasped, “Wow! Did Ollie kill all these himself?!”

This time Herbie did seem a wee bit uncomfortable, “Nah, ‘e commissioned ‘em from a taxi-dermist’s in Sarf Africa where they can get you anything...” He sniffed and shook his head, “I ‘ate it too, to tell the troof – I never come frew ‘ere if I can avoid it. It’s the old man’s sense off ooma, see – he likes to lull visi’ors into a false sense of security then - aargh! They get the shock of their lives,” he reached behind a curtain and threw a switch -- the animals’ eyes shone bright red and and roared in their respective voices. “The boss ‘ates animals, see –- he got rid of all the livestock ‘cept for stables when ‘e bought the ahse. ‘E ‘ates ‘orses most of all. ‘E got thrown by a donkey when ‘e was doin’ a cameo in Around the World in Eighty Days in ’55 or ’56 –- ‘e walked orf the set and refused to ‘ave anyfink to do with animals evah again! Animals and kids. If he could get ridda the crows he’d be ‘appy.”

Broo found the menagerie obscene and growled accordingly.

Their attention was briefly diverted by shouting in a room somewhere further in: “... Will you quit naggin’ me – ye’re worse than a feckin wife!”

“NO! I won’t stop til you see sense! If I don’t say it – who will!?! You’re cracking up!! You’re a delusional... egomaniacal narcissist! You’re like Stalin without the people-skills...!”

Herbie quickly ushered his guests into the lobby and closed a connecting door turning the voices into incoherent murmurs, but Malky had heard enough. Herbie’s stoic exterior slipped, he got jittery and muttered something about an ‘Inquisition’ under his breath. Malky was about to ask what he meant when he quickened his step and led the way through another archway that led to a lobby at the foot of a huge white marble staircase cleft with a dark scarlet runner. On the bottom step stood the other waxwork of Ollie dressed as a tramp holding the Oscar statuette for his role as a shady boxing promoter in the movie Knuckledusters. In an alcove in the rear wall to the left of the staircase stood an imposing, but badly-damaged grandfather clock; the glass insets covering the face and pendulum case were smashed, the hour-hand hung limp on the wheel and part of the ornate, intricately hand-carved casing was cracked down one side.

Herbie stood next to his guest, looked up at it and said, “Big f**ker, innit?”

Malky was inclined to agree that it was highly unlikely that such a huge piece of solid timber could be toppled so easily by a man as old and small as Ollie.

The bickering voices were making Herbie very uncomfortable, there was a pained expression on his big, weather-beaten face. As they climbed the staircase, he said, “Look, Mr Calvert... I don’t know ’ow to say this... what I mean to say is.... you might ‘ear certain fings whilst you is ‘ere... and I don’t like ‘avin’ to ask... but we’d be grateful if you would sign, for the want of a better phrase, a gag order.”

Malky shook his head, “Like I said, Herbie, I hate the press as much as ‘oul Ollie, but I don’t feel comfortable signing that sort of thing. Cuz if there is anythin’ iffy goin’ on – I’m not sayin’ there is – but should we detect signs of chicanery or skulduggery in the course of our ‘investigation’ -- like, say, we uncover a plot to get the ol’ bugger certified and bleed him dry or rewrite his will -- a gagging order could severely hinder an official investigation, and, when all’s said and done, I’m on the side of law and order.” He held up his right hand, “But if it makes you feel any better – as far as petty gossip and scandal-mongering is concerned -- my lips are sealed,” he turned, looked down at Broo and added, glumly, “... can’t speak for the dog, though...”

Broo grunted, still too stupefied to take anything in.  

In light of such an earnest assurance, Herbie relaxed a little and explained, “Um well, the ‘Inquisition’ I mentioned refers to some recent sackin’s in the last week or two. ‘E’s fired a coupla security guards, the assistant gardener and the young gal who ‘elps out wiv the ‘ahsework on Tuesdays ‘n Fursdays!”

“Why did he sack them?”

“Cos somebody leaked some gossip to an American tabloid ‘n it could only ‘ave come from the staff, so ‘e hadda clear-aht.” Herbie took a deep breath and spoke in a half-whisper, “So you can see how bad it is ‘ere. It’s got to the point where the only people ‘e trusts is me and the ‘ahsekeeper, Mrs Sparkes - and ‘e only trusts ‘er cuz she’s from the village and they believes all this ’aunted ‘ouse bollox.”

Again they were distracted; this time it was the jingle of unbuckled buckles and the stomp of motorcycle-boot-heels on the chequered tiles below, “Uncle Herb! Is it true? He’s sacked Scanlon?!” Kris shouted from the hall, clearly incensed. The three turned and looked down; Herbie maintained eye contact but didn’t answer; his uneasy silence said it all. “He has?! Shit! Where did he go?”

Herbie lowered his head, looked at his shoes and said, “Nobody knows. He packed up ‘n walked aht wivvaht a word ‘n we’ve ‘eard nuffink since.”

The lad stamped his foot and punched his thighs with his fists in a sudden fit of anger and disbelief, pacing back and forth at the bottom of the stairs, as the implications hit him one by one, “This is such bullshit, Uncle Herb -- I was working with Scanlon -- he was helping me with the movie -- what did he do?!”

Herbie’s head dropped, “Look Kris, yer grandpaw’s been ‘avin’ a bit of bovver lately and...”

“And where’s the cat? Don’t tell me he’s fired him too?!”

“He ran away.”

“Huh?! Fey Ray ran away? I not friggin’ surprised! The entire estate is a no go area for anything with more than two legs!” yelled Kris, without realising how odd it sounded, and stomped off in a huff; a few seconds later they heard him shouting at the old man in another room.

“Do ever stop and think: ‘hey, maybe I’m the problem?’ – cuz unless you straighten-out you’re gonna die a very lonely old man...” “Ach, blow it out yer arse, ye ginger shite-hawk...!”

A door slammed and the squabbling voices became muffled and unintelligible again. Herbie put a hand to his brow and groaned to himself, “Kris, son, you couldn't-a picked a worse time to pay us a surprise visit...”

“Who was Scanlon? The butler?” asked Malky.

“No, groundskeeper, but he might as well’ve been,” Herbie replied, unhappily, “’E did all the odd-jobs arahnd the ahse. Lifetime’s service – gone - jus-like-that - phfft! Kris an’ ‘im wuz thick as thieves too. ‘E knew all the stories about this place. Kris used to sit up for hours on end listenin’ to ‘im but Scanlon and the boss never really got along – Scanlon came wiv the ahse, see, just like all the servants – but ‘e wuz a bit of a law onto ‘isself. When we checked, we found ‘irregularities’ in our finances. The boss confronted him, he couldn’t answer, ‘n that was that.”

They reached the second landing and the old retainer ushered them along a long corridor with row-upon-row of sky-blue doors with ornate brass name plates, the panelling in-between bedecked with gold and silver discs, “Were all these recorded by Ollie?” asked Malky, genuinely impressed.

Herbie, pleased to have a diversion, nodded and cheerfully slipped back into tour-guide mode, “Oh, people forget ‘e was a great crooner. In the 50s he recorded loadsa LPs and they wuz big ‘its all ovah the world - not-so-much in the US or Britain - but ‘ere in Ireland ‘n France ‘n’ Germany.  Can’t walk dahn the street in Japan. We go over to Tokyo every now-‘n’-then and ‘e records all these TV commercials for ‘em. Liquor, potato chips, candy bars, mostly. ‘Big bucks for a load of ol’ bollox!’ ‘e says.”

“I know how that feels,” muttered Malky, thumbing the cheque in his pocket.

Herbie opened a door with an engraved plate bearing the legend The Wonderland Suite and put the case on an ottoman by the door. The room was weirdly magnificent, in an oversized, child’s playbox type-way. The floor was a chessboard, there were huge cushions in the shape of chess pieces scattered around the floor; the walls were decorated with blow ups of Tenniel’s drawings of Alice in Wonderland characters; an emperor-sized four-poster swathed in white satin sheets patterned with black diamonds; and a large, white tallboy with outsized, bright red knobs and drawers that were shaped to look warped and uneven, like a prop from a kids’ cartoon. “’Ere’s the TV,” he said, opening the doors of a huge white sideboard to reveal a 38” screen, “If you wanna take a walk round before dinnah -– go ‘ead, nowhere’s off limits -– oh, part of the east-wing’s locked-up, but I can get the keys from the safe and take you down later. There’s some PJs ‘n wot-not in the dresser drawer and fresh towels in the en suite. There’s the phone,” he pointed at an ornate, art deco phone, “just dial 9 for an outside line.”

Astonished by his surroundings, Malky could only gaze and nod his head.

Herbie clicked his heels and stood to attention, “There’s plenty of ‘ot-wa’ah if you wanna ‘ave a showah and a shave or wot-evah. Dinnah will be served at 8pm sharp (it was presently 5:50pm), I’ll bang the gong. In the meantime, make yerself at ‘ome 'n I’ll see you at 8,” said Herbie, brightly, closing the door behind him.

Malky sat down on the edge of the bed and examined a brass plated console next to the headboard; he pressed the first button: the curtains closed; he pressed the second: the curtains opened; he pressed a third and the lights either side of the bed came on; he pressed the fourth and the drape across the canopy over the bed rolled back to reveal a full-size, horizontal mirror. “Bit sordid for a room that looks like a nursery,” Malky opined, flopping down and looking up at his reflection, “God, I’m getting old. Remind me to close that curtain before I go to bed – if I wake up and see meself in the morning I’m likely to scare meself to death.” He kicked off his shoes and writhed in the welcoming sea of satiny-softness, like a Labrador pup in an unfurled toilet roll, “Oh, I just wanna sleeeeep... wake me up in September when the baby’s born...”

Broo growled quietly, that’s right, you have a nice relaxing catnap while your tiny, put-upon wife labours over a hot engine just so that she can get that wretched old banger of a van back on the road in order to buy provisions and decorating materials to build a nest for you and your unborn progeny.

Malky sat up, “Hmm. maybe I should ring her. This is our first night apart since we moved in together. I’d better give her a progress report.” He rolled over, picked up the art-deco phone and called the inn.

“Well, what’s Ollie’s house like?! Is it dead grand or what? I wanna know everything!”

He gave her a detailed description of the house so far, right up to and including the mirror in the canopy over the bed, “... the stories are true, though -- Jolly Ollie is one grouchy oul’ shite. I don’t think I’ve ever met such an obnoxious old git in all me life.” he said, shaking his head. “Zindy, what the hell am I doing here? This isn't me.”

Zindy had obviously been thinking about it too, “Listen luvver, this ain’t a justification or an excuse, but both of us know that there’s certain things we can’t explain away with logic. I mean, look what ‘appened with Barry McKee? Just put yer Sherlock hat on and look at it from a detective’s perspective; treat it as a sorta murder-mystery weekend. What about Broo? He should be able to let you know if there’s anything spooky about the place?”

“I dunno, he seems a bit drowsy, like he’s half-asleep,” said Malky, giving the old dog a cursory glance.

Of course I’m sluggish, you oaf -- this place is sucking the life out of me! Can’t you tell?!

But the semi-telepathic link remained infuriatingly out of order, “It was a long drive. He’s probably knackered.” Then, much to Broo’s chagrin, they forgot about him and exchanged love yous, miss yous and take cares before hanging up.

“Have you noticed somethin’?” said Malky, rhetorically, going to the en-suite and turning on the light; he looked around, “Hmmm,” he opened the bathroom cabinet: the mirror was on the inside of the door. “Whilst me ‘n Zindy were talking, it suddenly occurred to me -– there isn't a mirror to be seen around the house -- even the one above this bed is covered by a curtain.” Malky nodded, “It’s ironic, isn't it: the big Alice in Wonderland freak who doesn’t have Looking Glass –- an egotist who treats you to a personalised autobiographical stroll through his glory days but doesn’t like to look at his own reflection? I find that somewhat strange...”

5 minutes ago: Zindy put the receiver back in its cradle, sat back and winced, “Settle down, kiddo,” she said, patting the elongated face of Jimi Hendrix stretched across her bump, “I still have a gearbox to sort out before we ‘ave a nice bath ‘n go to bed.” She sat at the kitchen table, radio tuned to a classic rock station (Malky listened to nothing but BBC Radio 4) and sang along to Deep Purple’s Child in Time, wailing like a banshee as she screwed and unscrewed oily nuts and rusty bolts: très cathartic. She felt a little guilty, but surely she was entitled to a night on her own. She looked down at the bump: I mean the two of us. I’ll never be alone again

Zara ‘Zindy’ Lindsay, you see, was an accident; everybody told her so.

Ever since she could understand rudimentary English, her aunts and her mother would mention it regularly - usually after something burned down or yet another little boy’s mother had arrived at the door complaining that she was demanding dinner-money with menaces. When she was old enough to understand the mechanics of human reproduction (hard not to when you live on a farm), they’d tell her she was the result of a drunken one-night-stand with a Spanish scout master (visiting Burnley on an exchange-visit) that no one had seen or heard from since. Fortunately for Dory, the Lindsays were/are a well-to-do family with links to the cotton trade that go as far back as the 17th century, so they had the wealth and power to cover it up. After a secret birth, mother Dory and baby Zara were spirited away to a remote farmhouse in the heart of the Lancashire countryside under the care of a pair of huge, lumbering maiden-aunts. Unlike the petite and genteel Dory, Maggie and Lottie were tall, mannish land-girls with no time for molly-coddles and sentimentality -- what’s more they didn’t care what their niece got up to so long as she didn’t burn the place down or leave a gate open (she could drive a tractor by the age of 6). When she was 7, Dory married and moved out, but Zindy didn’t like her new stepdad and he didn’t like her (a snooty, middle-aged bank manager who read the FT and went to Mass twice a week). She preferred Dory’s long-term boyfriend Tam Horsham who drove the Mother’s Pride bread van; but he was too common, apparently, “He eats his dinner off a tray and smokes in the bath!” said Dory, tartly, when asked if Zindy should start calling him dad. So, after numerous tantrums, she was allowed to stay at the farm and enjoy the relative freedom of life with the ‘Looney Lindsay Sisters’ (as the locals called them). Then puberty hit, so did a lifelong passion: motorbikes. She found a broken down old ‘39 Triumph Tiger in the barn and with some help from Lottie (“It belonged to an old boyfriend who left it here in ’42 when he went to war... but he never came back for it so I assumed the worst.”) she cleaned it up and replaced the missing parts. It took 8 months of scouring scrapyards and hard labour, but she managed to restore it to its former glory. She was in the Gazette! ‘Tearaway Tomboy Triumphs!!’ Consequently, she met dozens of motorcycle enthusiasts and a lot of them just happened to be Hell’s Angels. That’s when she first got that weakness in her knees. Big, fat, hairy men. Her pals were aghast. It could've been a father-daddy complex or just a weird perversion, but she could get enough of grizzled, over-weight geezers most girls would cross the road to avoid.

In spite of her aggressive side, she was quite the artist and spent hours quietly painting and sketching the scenery behind her great-aunts’ farm. According to her second year teacher in her annual report (Zindy refused to go to boarding school and went to the local comprehensive): ‘She has shown a flair for art and is very intelligent – when she wants to work, which isn't often ... for the most part she is headstrong, opinionated, brusque and quick to temper; a girl who sees life as a big adventure ... it may be a symptom of her diminutive stature that she feels she has to be brash and contrary, but if she continues in this fashion she may face expulsion....’

Zindy just couldn't be tamed. She was up before the magistrate on a regular basis, mostly for driving without a licence or brawling with boys twice her size. On her 18th she stood on a table in the Flat Iron pub in front of her closest friends and allies and vowed never to settle down to a life of domesticity, to forsake motherhood and be a free spirit for the rest of her life. Three weeks later, she moved in with a recently divorced woodwork teacher 17 years her senior. He proposed (‘wanna shack-up?’) and she couldn't say no. So began her lifelong ‘thing’ for older men – the daddy syndrome, probably.

The cohabitation with the woodwork teacher was as passionate as it was incendiary – he turned out to be a secret drinker – there were vodka bottles hidden all over the flat; she tried to keep up for a while, but all they did was fight. Things came to a head with the couple spending a night in the cells of Bottle Street nick. The desk sergeant told her he was a lost cause – “He’s dried-out 3 times -– and he’s still the same mess he was when I first started in here 15 years ago! My advice lady – run as fast as them wee legs can take ya – find a fit young man with a good job!” She took this advice to heart, and a in a few months she met a recently widowed sculptor at a Henry Moore exhibition –- this time 40 years her senior; tall, with long grey hair who dressed like Tom Wolfe -– and got swept up in a whirlwind romance. ‘Whirlwind’ in the sense that the trail of destruction they left behind: various foodstuffs were hurled, crockery was smashed, household utensils took flight and embedded themselves in walls. Zindy loved it. She loved him. Alas, his kids, two of which were older than her, did not approve and weren’t shy about letting her know. It was grist for Zindy’s mill; it only strengthened her resolve. She thrived in adversity; she lived to Fight the Good Fight and persevered with the relationship without a thought for the toll it was taking on the poor man’s heart. Of course, like most Spring/Winter love affairs it ended with a lonely vigil in a draughty hospital corridor listening to the impassive beep of medical machinery whilst his own flesh & blood hold his hand as he drifts over. Previously estranged siblings now united in their grief against a common enemy: “The stupid bitch is still sitting out in t’corridor.” “She’s only after ‘is money.” “She looks about 9, makes you wonder...?” She heard every word, approached and told them in no uncertain terms she didn’t want or need his money – all she wanted was to organise the funeral in accordance with his last wishes. They told her his last wishes were enshrined in his last will & testament, not word of mouth, and while they were on the subject, he hadn't left her anything. They told her he was never done talking trash about her behind her back, telling them how he didn’t trust her; that she was a little gold-digger. Meanwhile he was telling Zindy how ungrateful and spiteful his children were and how they’d never done a day’s work in their lives! She had to stand there and listen as they sneered and talked about the stranger with whom she’d spent the last 2 years. It turned out he was a compulsive liar. His wives were all basket-cases by the time he’d finished messing with their minds. All told, the heart condition came as a result of the stress of numerous love affairs and having to remember what lie he told to whom.

Zindy swore to herself that she’d never have anything to do with men ever again! She cut her hair short, dyed it blue and foreswore make-up, skirts and blouses, bought a motorbike and toured Europe with a chapter of Hell’s Angels who treated her like one of the boys. The vow was broken 5 years later when she accompanied her new pals to the Isle of Man for the TT and met a biker from Wicklow. Robert ‘Raspo’ Canning was a built like a brick-shithouse with a long plaited (usually purple, sometimes blue) beard and intense stare (hence the moniker; Raspo: short for Rasputin). He was a nightmare in a studded leather jacket but Zindy was besotted with him. Despite his hulking size, expanding waistline and intimidating manner, he was smarter than the average bear. He read science fiction and knew a lot about astronomy. They used to ride up to Donegal, sit on the cliffs and he would teach her the consolations. She was hooked.

While she was there, one of her great-aunts died and Raspo took her back to Salford for the funeral. She inherited £30,000. Then Barry McKee, one of the gang of bikers from Brodir, happened to mention that his father was selling a seaside pub and she was very interested. She could run a business - she used to do the sculptor’s book-keeping and worked behind a bar in Germany for a few weeks; plus, Brodir might’ve been a rundown town, but it was a Mecca for bikers from all over Europe -- trade would be brisk –- she couldn't see what could possibly go wrong!

But you don’t know anybody until you live with them for a while.

At first, Raspo enjoyed playing host and worked behind the bar, but he had other business interests and that was OK – she preferred running things on her own – it was her name on the licence, her responsibility. She never asked about his business, she didn’t want to know, but she assumed he was a small time dealer: grass and tabs. Then one day he said, “Oh Zin, I’m off to Dublin to do bouncer for a boxin’ match at the National Stadium!” he kissed her goodbye, got on his trusty Triumph and off he went to bounce in Dublin. She found out later that he was off to collect a sizeable debt owed to him for a delivery of coke. When the debtor wasn't forthcoming, Raspo lost his temper and took it out of his hide with a crowbar. This information came courtesy of DS Phil Somerville, who also informed her that her beloved Raspo wasn't just peddling grass, he was dealing in all the a-listed narcotics, not to mention a little sideline in video piracy. She had to sit and listen while Somerville listed her lover’s shady dealings with various Dublin-based organised crime syndicates and proscribed terrorist militias when he tried to coerce her into turning tout and aid in the apprehension Raspo’s subordinates/associates/friends etc. She flatly refused. Raspo was sent down for 7 years, but 8 months later, to shave a few years off his sentence, he did what she refused to do: he shopped most of his former associates including some regulars, and - boom – the bulk of her clientele has declared her persona non grata and boycotted the inn. Somerville told her it was her own fault; she knew what Raspo was and chose to ignore it. He was right. A psychologist would say that it was indicative of a subconscious desire not to commit to a long-term relationship... Whatever, she was alone again, naturally.

Then along came Malky and his spooky three-legged German shepherd and their notorious pursuit of the evil Barry McKee. It was a thrill-a-minute-life-or-death roller coaster ride but it nearly killed them. She took a bullet to the shoulder; Malky had a heart attack and almost bled to death (the irony: Somerville saved Malky’s life after destroying hers). And here she was, back in another hospital corridor listening to bleeping machines. Just when she thought history was repeating itself, his old broken heart kept beating, “and it’s been beating for you ever since,” he said, in an uncharacteristic show of mawkish affection. 

Good ol’ Malky. He made her laugh. He was a good man and he made her feel good. They had conversations that lasted all night. OK, so he has a psychic three-legged dog who complains about the noise when I play me records, but that only makes it more fun. To put it simply, life was good. She was painting again; he’d made her a studio in the attic. (He never told what he was doing up there and she didn’t ask; he just hammered and sawed and cursed whilst she went about her business. In the end he’d put a ribbon across the door for the grand unveiling. He’d widened the skylight to let in more light and built a little podium for her still-life subjects. She accepted the keys like a gushing thesp before bursting into real tears. And although , he was hard work at times - he was sometimes taciturn and prone to moodiness – he was a good, kind man.

Then, wonder-of-wonders, she gets pregnant and her instinct, much to her surprise, is to keep it. Malky acted as if he wasn't overly keen, but she knew that deep-down he was delighted; he just felt unworthy and old.

And here we are. 2 years later and things couldn't be better. We’re broke but we ain't bust. We’re just about keepin’ our heads above water...

She went to the bar and looked out of the big window at the dirty, litter laden, windswept promenade. The council were meeting on Thursday; word on the wind had it that property developers were looking at the town with a view to redevelopment, so things were looking up. That’s good, ain't it? Lots of meetings with property developers and councilmen: all very ‘establishment’.

So 22 years later, what would she say to the silly girl standing on the table telling the world she’ll be a wild-child forever? Is she where she wants to be, where she has to be, or where she needs to be...?

Sammy couldn't read her mind but felt her doubts as if they were his own. It must be something to do with Malky. He hoped that it wasn't anything serious. Malky had grown on him. The old dog was a godsend, somebody to talk to who can see you, hear you... not that he ever feckin’ listens! But what if the auld dog died? Sammy shuddered at the thought: There would be no watching TV until 4 in the morning for a start. It was tough being a ghost. And although he knew Zindy couldn't see him, he still felt a little self-conscious about his appearance; as the old dog says: “the bloody-bullet-hole-ridden-apron makes you look like a psychopath (ghosts are stuck with what they wore when they died -- the last image The Light captures before their Soul passes), so he was discreet. He sat on the bin in the dark corner by the stove and watched from what he considered to be a reasonable distance. He’d been a bachelor all his life, he’d never met a woman he could live with, but Zindy was closest thing he’d ever had to a daughter – this, despite the fact that she was a headstrong, blue-haired English girl who dressed like a boy and swore like a docker. When she bought the inn, he thought she’d only last a few weeks, and yet, thank God, here we are. 

There were very few advantages in existing between Worlds, besides the walking through walls and not having to eat or sleep or all that malarkey, his senses were heightened and attuned to the Oneness of All Living Things (well, that’s how the dog put it) –- which meant he was able to see the little glow in Zindy’s belly. It was nothing more than an amber glimmer throbbing with the minute pulsebeat of a budding Soul, but it radiated an energy that brought a ripple of warmth to his Essence. Sometimes, when she was sleeping he’d stand close – not too close – and look into her womb. Oh, but it was a joyous sight to behold, “Look at the miracle begin again,” he whispered, to no one in particular.

Zindy climbed up onto the draining board to close the window above the sink -– Sammy was jumping up and down, pulling at his silver beard, “Are ye mad woman?! Get down o’ that w’ ye!” Thankfully she performed the exercise without incident, but he still hadn't settled; as she went about preparing her evening meal, he paced the floor behind her, fussing, wagging his finger, “Look at that floor! There’s engine oil down there! Ye’ll slip ‘n’ go on yer hoop! You’d better buck-up yer ideas, lady – that’s a chile in there – not a bag o’ chips!”

“Oh, I’d love a bag o’ chips,” she said, apropos of nothing.

Sammy stood by the cooker as she toiled over the sizzling pan and talked to her unborn baby, “Your silly daddy doesn’t know what to do with himself. He hates all this spooky stuff... He hates anything that brings the world to his door -- God knows what he’ll be like when the inn’s open for business...” Whether she was consoling a restless foetus or trying to convince herself, she didn’t know. She stopped stirring and stared as she contemplated her certain future.

The old ghost saw the doubt in her eyes and fought Malky’s case from his corner, “He’s a decent sort who won’t let you down –- you have to grow up sometime, missy! Stop moonin’ about and think like a mammy!”

No, let’s make no bones about, she was getting bored. It isn't good when life gets too predictable, when routine becomes rut. She needn't worry; things were about to get very strange indeed...

St Cedric’s Institution for the Criminally Insane (SCICI): Rossington watched the sundown from his office window, a very large brandy in one hand, a cigarette in the other. It had been a bad day. The news from the board had been direct with no room for interpretation. His time had run out. The victims’ families’ petitions and writing campaigns had fulfilled their purpose, the pressure to do something had forced their hand. He had to give up Barry McKee to the authorities so an independent assessment of his condition could be made. He’d explored every legal avenue to keep him at SCICI, but there was nothing more he could do. The mob has spoken.

He was angry and frustrated, but mostly angry. He finished his brandy, carelessly stubbed out the cigarette, left his office and made for the sick bay in the high security wing. He walked quickly and purposely, collected the swipe cards from the nurses’ station and marched on, swiping through the sophisticated system of doors, along the corridors and across the walkway that led to the security ward and the room of SCICI’s most infamous inmate. Then, just as he swiped the lock, he had a moment of inspiration. He turned and walked to the staff toilet at the end of the corridor, to the mirror above the wash-hand basin; using his penknife to unscrew the frame, he carefully prised the hexagonal glass from the wall, put it under his arm and took it to McKee’s room.

“Hello, Barry,” he said, quietly closing the door behind him and turning on the lights. The sudden blaze of brightness didn’t faze McKee. Hooked up to the machines that kept him alive, long haired and bearded, he continued to stare unblinkingly at the ceiling, like a stricken biblical prophet transfixed by a vision of hell.

“I must apologise, it’s been quite a while since I visited. I’ve been busy with other patients and projects, not to mention running this establishment, you know how it is. I’ve kept abreast of your progress, though... what there is of it.” Rossington slowly crossed the floor, talking in a casual manner as he approached the bed, “Anyway, I’ll get straight to the point: I’ve received some bad news regarding your case and I thought you should to be the first to hear it.” He sat in the chair by the bed and put the mirror on his lap, “They've decided to take you off my hands, Barry. They say I’ve had enough time to prove you’re worth keeping alive. They say it would be mercy: ‘it’s cruelty not to let nature take its course’. No doubt they’re under pressure from the families of the victims, not to mention that bastard Somerville. Whatever, you’re doomed, and there’s nothing I can do to save you.”

As always, McKee remained silent and seemingly insensible.

“You've shown no significant progress since that business with Niamh and Oona 2 years ago.” He tore off the latest print-out from the EEG and indicated the flat lines across the graph, “See, nothing like the flurry of activity we recorded during those instances in 1989. Why’s that, eh?” He scrunched the page into a ball and threw it into the corner. “It all stopped when I took away the mirrors and had you moved you to this room, didn’t it? Niamh and Oona lost their connection and have exhibited no psychic abilities since. It’s no coincidence, is it, Barry?”

He stood up and held the mirror over McKee’s face, “I know you use mirrors to reach out other telepaths and psychics,” he said, looking deep into McKee’s unseeing eyes, “so I’m having them re-installed, and you can do whatever is you do. Good or evil, I don’t care anymore. I just need results, Barry. I need something to show for my work. If not, I’ll hand you over to the authorities and they’ll perform what will be, for all intents and purposes, a public execution...”

To Be Continued Next Month...

[patriotsnet]

Are There Any Republicans Running For President Besides Trump

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/are-there-any-republicans-running-for-president-besides-trump/

Are There Any Republicans Running For President Besides Trump

Justices Prepare For Major Lgbt Rights Case As Trump Threatens To Bring Election To Supreme Court

Trump Rallies Republicans For Ex-Rival ‘Beautiful Ted’ Cruz In Texas

Justice Amy Coney Barrett is due to confront her first major arguments at the Supreme Court on Wednesday morning, even as President Donald Trump is threatening to bring a case over the previous nights election to the panel.

Trump said in an early morning address to supporters that well be going to the U.S. Supreme Court, we want all voting to stop. The president did not provide more details, and the nature of such a possible case was unclear. The top court generally hears appeals of lower court decisions.

Trump had for weeks suggested he would contest any outcome that was not a victory and pressed to get Barrett, his third Supreme Court nominee, confirmed before Election Day. NBC News has not called the race, and votes continue to be tabulated.

Despite the prospect of a contested election, the court has a normal if important day of business scheduled. At 10 a.m. ET, the justices will hear arguments in Fulton v. City of Philadelphia, a major LGBT rights case.

The dispute concerns a Roman Catholic adoption agency that is arguing that Philadelphias decision to exclude it from the citys foster care system because it will not work with same-sex households is unconstitutional. Philadelphia has said it is simply enforcing its laws against discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation.

Tucker Higgins

Sen Ted Cruz Of Texas

Cruz, 50, could start out a 2024 election campaign in a much stronger position than his first run in 2016, when he came in second. Its not uncommon for Republicans to select the recent runner up to later be their nominee which is what happened to Mitt Romney, John McCain, Bob Dole and Ronald Reagan.

A lot has happened to Cruz since 2016. For one, he became an ardent Trump supporter and grew a beard. But Cruz has also learned lessons from his first presidential run. Should he run again in the 2024 election, hed be a much more experienced campaigner with a more finely tuned message, higher name ID, and a carefully maintained donor base, one Republican strategist said.

Cruz has also faced backlash for objecting to President Joe Bidens Electoral College win. Following the deadly Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, seven Democrats asked the Senate Ethics Committee to investigate Cruz and Sen. Josh Hawley, R-Mo., for amplifying claims of election fraud that led to violence. In Texas, the Republican Accountability Project paid for 100 billboards calling on Cruz to resign. Cruz also angered some close to him, like a longtime friend and former campaign chair who denounced him, and his chief spokesperson, who resigned, according to the Dallas Morning News.

Why Are Republicans So Afraid Of Voters

There is no both sides do it when it comes to intentionally keeping Americans away from the polls.

By The Editorial Board

The editorial board is a group of opinion journalists whose views are informed by expertise, research, debate and certain longstandingvalues. It is separate from the newsroom.

As of Sunday afternoon, more than 93 million Americans had cast a ballot in the November elections. Thats about two-thirds of the total number of people who voted in 2016, and there are still two days until Election Day.

This is excellent news. In the middle of a global pandemic that has taken the lives of nearly a quarter of a million Americans, upended the national economy and thrown state election procedures into turmoil, there were reasonable concerns that many people would not vote at all. The numbers to date suggest that 2020 could see record turnout.

While celebrating this renewed citizen involvement in Americas political process, dont lose sight of the bigger, and darker, picture. For decades, Americans have voted at depressingly low rates for a modern democracy. Even in a good year, more than one-third of all eligible voters dont cast a ballot. In a bad year, that number can approach two-thirds.

Why are so many Americans consistently missing in action on Election Day?

For many, its a choice. They are disillusioned with government, or they feel their vote doesnt matter because politicians dont listen to them anyway.

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Tight Election Adds To Retailers Uncertainty During Already Uncertain Holidays

Retailers have faced nothing short of whiplash this year. And now, one day after Election Day, they face another threat during the all-important holiday season: Americans who may be distracted or anxious as they await results. That could deal a blow to consumer confidence, when retailers would rather shoppers to be centered around gift-giving and decking their homes with holiday decor.

Greg Portell, lead partner in the global consumer practice of Kearney, a strategy and management consulting firm, said the delayed results will absolutely pause consumer spending.

Consumers have been on a great run of spending coming out of the lockdowns, he said. We were looking at a great holiday season. All of that is on pause until we see some clarity on who is going to win.

If history is a guide, at least a temporary drop in spending is likely, according to a recent survey from Adobe Analytics. Adobe found online sales dropped 14% the day after the 2016 election, when Donald Trump;was elected to office. They dropped 6% the day after the 2018 midterms, the firms research showed.

Lauren Thomas and Melissa Repko

Will Texas Republicans Ever Fight For Limited Government

Sometimes when I look around at what Republicans are doing, I dont really know what to do with myself.

Just think about how Republicans were in charge of the U.S. Senate and House and the White House for two years of the first two years of President Trumps term. What did they accomplish? Not much.

Then, what about the last, what is it now, 17 years of Republicans being in charge of all Texas government; the Texas Senate, the Texas House, the Texas Supreme Court, the governors office, all the state agencies? I mean, it is all Republicans running the state yet the accomplishments that have taken place are just not where they ought to be. And you have to ask yourself why.

I think we can find a partial answer to this in an article I ran across the other day about the threatened veto by President Trump on the defense bill. He has said hes going to veto the defense appropriations bill unless Congress puts a provision in it taking away the liability shield from all these high tech companies, such as Facebook and Twitter, that have been seeking to undermine our elections, laws, and democracy.

They lobbied for this provision in law because they said they were going to be neutral providers of content. They were just going to be platforms that people could use and put out whatever information they wanted to.

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In Georgia Runoffs Dems Are Running Hard On Health Care Republicans Not So Much

Why are these elections so important?

In determining control of the Senate, the results will put one party or the other in charge of the legislative agenda. A Democratic sweep would result in a 50-50 Senate with soon-to-be Vice President Kamala Harris being the tiebreaking vote in the chamber.

While there still is a 60-vote threshold to get legislation through, it would be much easier to confirm Bidens Cabinet picks and judicial appointments than if Democrats were in the minority.

Democratic leader Chuck Schumer, who would be presumed to be Senate majority leader if Democrats took control of the chamber, would be in charge of what goes to the floor, including, if it came to it, items like doing away with the filibuster entirely or adding justices to the Supreme Court.

If Republicans won, though, GOP leader Mitch McConnell would be able to largely thwart much of Bidens agenda.

Former Secretary Of State Mike Pompeo

If the 2024 election turns into a foreign policy debate, the 57-year-old Pompeo is in a strong position with his background as former secretary of state and CIA director.

During Pompeos recent speech at the Westside Conservative Club in Urbandale, Iowa, he gave a preview of some of the lines that might end up in his presidential stump speech. He said hes spent more time with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un than any other American, including basketball star Dennis Rodman, and talked about the threat he sees from China. His mention of the U.S. moving its embassy in Israel to Jerusalem during his tenure was met with applause.

Before serving in Trumps Cabinet, Pompeo blasted then-candidate Trump as an authoritarian. Pompeo made the remarks the day of the Kansas caucus in 2016, quoting Trump saying that if he told a soldier to commit a war crime, they would go and do it. Pompeo said the U.S. had spent 7½ years with an authoritarian president who ignored the Constitution, referencing former President Barack Obama, and we dont need four more years of that.

Pompeo served three full terms representing Kansas in the U.S. House before joining the Trump administration. He and his wife, Susan, have one child. He graduated from the U.S. Military Academy and Harvard Law and served in the U.S. Army.

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Trump Campaign Seeks To Get Involved In Supreme Court Fight Over Pennsylvania Ballots

President Donald Trumps reelection campaign asked the Supreme Court to let it join the fight at the court over Pennsylvanias absentee ballot deadlines.

Jay Sekulow, an attorney for the president, wrote in a filing submitted to the justices that Trump has a direct, concrete stake in the outcome of the case that was distinct from the interests of the state lawmakers and Republican Party of Pennsylvania that initiated the suit.

In the case, Republicans are suing over the Pennsylvania Supreme Courts extension of the deadline for elections officials to receive absentee ballots in order for them to be counted. The state court extended the deadline to Nov. 6 from the previous deadline of Tuesday.

The Supreme Court rejected the Republican challenge in a 4-4 split on Oct. 19. On Oct. 28, the justices refused to decide a second GOP challenge before Election Day but left open the possibility of a ruling favoring Republicans after Nov. 3.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed onto the bench too late to weigh in on either decision but her presence on the court is thought to favor the Republican challenge moving forward.

The case at the Supreme Court is just one of the many legal battles that the Trump campaign is pursuing in the wake of Tuesdays election.

Trump has claimed for weeks that he might not accept defeat and would challenge a loss in court regardless of the circumstances.

Tucker Higgins

Consider Candidates Track Record And Party Service In Allocating Debate Slots

2020 Election – 5 Republicans Who Might Run For President (Why Donald Trump will be the GOP Nominee)

For a variety of legal and political reasons, the parties authority over their own debates is constrained.44 Yet debates are very important for introducing voters to the partys candidates. They are an essential aspect of the winnowing process. Selecting invitees is particularly challenging when the candidate field is large, as became evident in the Republican nominating cycle four years ago, when the candidates were so numerous that those who fell below a national poll threshold of 3.5% had to attend an undercard debate instead of the main attraction. One consequence was to favor a reality-television celebrity over veterans like Sen. Lindsey Graham, an expert on foreign affairs who had served South Carolina in the Congress since 1993. That seemed shortsighted and unreasonable at the time, and it seems all the more so in hindsight.

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Abraham Lincoln: Campaigns And Elections

The Campaign and Election of 1860:

Going into the presidential election of 1860, the issue of slavery had heated the nation to the boiling point. How were the political parties going to maintain unity in the midst of such intense sectional conflict?

Winning Republican Support

After Abraham Lincoln’s defeat in the race for the U.S. Senate, he spent the next sixteen months speaking and traveling all over the North making campaign speeches for numerous Republican candidates. His style avoided the wordy moral rhetoric of the abolitionists in favor of clear and simple logic. Lincoln was successful in laying the groundwork for his candidacy, since by the spring of 1860, many politicians were indebted to Lincoln for his support. Furthermore, because he was out of office and new to national prominence, he had offended no one in particular within the party. Most importantly, Lincoln had established a solid group of campaign managers and supporters who came to the Republican convention prepared to deal, maneuver, and line up votes for Lincoln. His chief opponent, and the man who was sure that he had the nomination in his pocket, was William H. Seward of New York. However, his front-runner status proved to be his greatest obstacle in that it opened him to political criticism even before the convention delegates had met.

Democratic Disunity

Constitutional Union Party

White-Hot Campaign Trail

Impact of 1860 Election

The Campaign and Election of 1864

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Political Realities

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natesilver: Good pick.

nrakich: Yeah, Pence has led almost every 2024 poll so far that hasnt included Trump. It goes back to what I said earlier about name recognition a lot of the time, the early front-runner wins and you dont have to overthink it.;;

geoffrey.skelley: Pence was my No. 2 pick for these reasons. Plus, vice presidents who run for the presidency have a pretty good history of winning nominations! Think of Joe Biden, Al Gore, George H.W. Bush, Walter Mondale. As Nathaniel wrote back in 2019, its often been a successful stepping stone to the presidency.

alex: Not bad, Sarah! But to play devils advocate: If Trump doesnt run, but the GOP is still the party of Trump in 2022 or 2024, would someone who didnt overturn the election go far?

sarah: Excellent point, Alex, which brings me to my second pick. Pence isnt the most charismatic, and as has been pointed out, the idea that the GOP moves in a more moderate direction might not be the direction the party is interested in heading in. And while I know some like Geoffrey are convinced that Trump is gonna pull a Cleveland and run again as I said up top, I dont buy it I think Republicans are going to be OK with someone else at the top of the ticket as long as they stick to Trumps agenda. And if Im right, who better than Trumps eldest son, the heir apparent?

Its grievance politics 2.0 that maybe has the potential to win back Republicans in the suburbs.

geoffrey.skelley: Oh man. DJTJ?

Also Check: What Percentage Of Republicans Are White

Dire Rhetoric Used To Describe Democratic Political Opponents Whats At Stake In Country

During the second impeachment trial, the core of the House impeachment managersâ case was this: Trumpâs extreme rhetoric about the presidential election being âriggedâ incited a mob to storm the U.S. Capitol.

Every Democratic senator and seven Republican senators bought the argument, voting to convict Trump. In both the House and Senate, even Republicans who did not vote to impeach or convict Trump, respectively, criticized his rhetoric and actions surrounding the election.

But at CPAC, while there were few mentions of Jan. 6, several speakersâ rhetoric was similarly inflammatory as they described political opponents in extreme terms and painted a dire picture of a nation led by Democrats.

During his speech, freshman Rep. Madison Cawthorn, R-N.C., delivered a line eerily similar to one Trump gave on Jan. 6, when the former president said, âIf you donât fight like hell, youâre not going to have a country anymore.â

âIf we sit on the sidelines, we will not have a country to inherit. If we do not get involved and say that it is our duty to make sure that our country is responsible, that our country doesnât take away our liberties, then my friends, we will lose this nation,â Cawthorn said. âThe Democrats, my opponents and adversaries on the other side are brutal and vicious and they are trying to take away all of our rights.â

Democrats Weigh Next Options As Senate Republicans Filibuster Voting Rights Bill

They dont even want to debate it because theyre afraid. They want to deny the right to vote, make it harder to vote for so many Americans, and they dont want to talk about it, Schumer, D-N.Y., said on Tuesday. There is a rot a rot at the center of the modern Republican party. Donald Trumps big lie has spread like a cancer and threatens to envelop one of Americas major political parties.

Vice President Kamala Harris, who has been tasked by the White House to work on voting rights, presided over the Tuesday debate in the Senate.

The legislation is cosponsored by 49 Democratic members of the Senate. The one holdout, Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., said Tuesday hed vote to begin debate after receiving assurances that the Senate would consider a compromise version that he has said he can support.

Today I will vote YES to move to debate this updated voting legislation as a substitute amendment to ensure every eligible voter is able to cast their ballot and participate in our great democracy, Manchin said in a statement, while adding that he doesnt support the bill as written.

Well keep talking, he said after the vote. You cant give up. You really cant.

Schumer said the vote was the starting gun, not the finish line in the battle over ballot access and vowed that Democrats will not let it die.

He told reporters on Tuesday that the state-led system held up well in the 2020 election.

It has been rejected by top Republicans as a nonstarter.

You May Like: Will Any Republicans Vote To Remove Trump

[teamwave11]

What's a Professional Sales Manager?

I was in the profundity of a major depression. As a third year salesclerk with a good company, I was doing well, and was on my resources to getting the vertex salesperson in the countryside for that company. But company had slowed down a little, and I didn't have my vertical number of tender out for consideration. So, I wasn't as busy as usual. As my liveliness slowed, I began to worry. My doubts increased to the kernel where I had theory myself into a actuality depression, stuck on the investigation of "What's the utility of trying?" The more negative my thoughts became, the less energy I had. My misses of energy led to fewer and fewer sales calls, which of course, led to less activity. And that led to more depressing thoughts. I was caught in a powerful downward spiral.

It was then that I caught a glimpse of what a professional sales manager is like.

Ned was my boss -- a sales steward of the highest caliber. He could see the indication of my sour kingdom spilling over into universe I was doing. So Ned intervened. He arranged to have dinners with me, and listened patiently as I rambled on and on approx my problems, my doubts, and my failure of activity. Finally, after I had dumped all my depression and negative thoughts on him, he looked me straight in the eye and said, with all the authority and intensity of someone who is absolutely sure of what they are saying, "Kahle, that's enough."

I was stunned. I was expecting empathy, an uptake shoulder to discharge on. Instead, I got a simple, straightforward mandate. Ned knew me well enough to cut through all the fluff and come benefit to the soul of the matter. He said, "That's enough. That's enough perceptions sorry for yourself. That's enough thinking all these negative thoughts. That's enough sitting back and not working as hard as you're used to. Stop it. You're better than all this. Stop it privilege now, today, and get your ..... back to work."

He saw my job clearly. And he provided me the direction I needed. That discussion turned me around. I left my depression and negativity at that lunch table, and started back into my job with a renewed sense of the possible. A year later I was the mathematics one salesclerk in the state for that company.

What made the difference in my merit was the skillful intervention of an astute and professional sales manager. He made the difference in my job performance, and that made a difference in my places with that company. And that made a diversity in my career. And that lead me to my turning practice. It's entirely possible that I would not be deed what I do now, speaking and consulting with sales forces around the world, if it weren't for his timely intervention.

All of us have become what we are, at least in part, due to the touch other group have had on us. A professional sales steward is gifted with a rare and precious chances -- the risk to play a pivotal role in the activity of his/her charges. I so value the incumbency that Ned played in my career, that the end passages on the "Acknowledgment" page of my first notebook reads, "Finally, I must type special, post-humus declaration of the contribution made by Ned Shaheen, the best manager I ever worked for. It was Ned who, era ago, urged me to 'write the book...'"

So what does this have to do with creature a "Professional Sales Manager?" During my 30 + years of sales experience and 16 years of complexity as a sales consultant and sales trainer, I've encountered many sales managers. Some of have been good, many mediocre. But Ned was the best sales manager I ever met. He serves as a patterns for me. We can learn a tally of lessons from him.

First, Ned knew the diversity between the siting of a salesclerk and that of a sales manager. He had been a great salesperson -- like lots sales managers around the world -- and had been promoted to sales manager. Yet he knew the jobs of sales steward and salesclerk are completely different. A salesperson is responsible for building explanation and making sales. A sales manager, while ultimately responsible for the same results, understands that his/her location is to achieve those stipulation through other people. A sales steward builds people, who in turn build the business. Salespeople focus on selling; sales director focus on building salespeople.

As a sales person, I could comfortably take Ned into any account, secure in the knowledge that he wouldn't try to income over the performance or usurp my association with the customer. I knew Ned was more concerned with me than he was roughly any one sale.

Ned knew that a salesclerk was essentially a loaner, an individual who did mass of his/her mass important work by themselves, while a sales manager was a coach, whose only luck derived from the fate of his team. A sales manager's best work is always done, not with the customers, but with the group he/she supervises.

Ultimately, a sales manager is measured by the conseguenze achieved by his people. Sales, gross profits, market share, key product selling, -- all these typical measurements of sales performance are also one of the rulers by which a sales manager is measured.

So, an excellent sales manager, like a great soccer coach, is ultimately measured by his numbers. It doesn't matter how empathetic he is, nor how his gambler respect or like him, if year after year he output a losing team. So it is with a sales manager. Ultimately, an excellent sales manager output excellent numbers for his company.

In the five era that I worked for Ned, my own territory grew by $1 million a year, and the branch for which he was responsible grew from closely $6 million to approx $30 million.

Ned was excellent at one of the key competencies of the professional sales manager -- he had an eye for talent. He knew how to hire good people. After all, he hired me! Over the years, I watched him proceeds his time, allowing a sales area to go vacant for months, if necessary, while he waited for the right person to bubble up through his pipeline. Only one of his hires didn't occupation out -- which gave him an incredible harvesting percentage.

A professional sales manager understands the thanks of configuration the right hire, is always recruiting in order to obeying the pipeline of prospective salesclerks full, and spares no payment to type sure the fellow he hires meets all the necessary criteria. When I was hired, I went through four interviews, and a full 10-hour day of experiment with an industrial psychologist.

With all the time he took to type sure he was hiring the benefit person, Ned confided in me one day that, "It is more important to glow well then it is to hire well." He went on to explain that hiring sales people is an extremely difficult task, and that even the best sales director fail at it frequently. Therefore, it was important to recognize your harm quickly, and act decisively to predicament it.

A professional sales manager, then, understands that when it is clear that a salesperson is not advantage for the job, he acts quickly, kindly, and decisively to terminate the individual, allowing both the individual and the undertaking an risk to find a better match. Acting quickly to terminate a salesperson who isn't procedure out is both good firm as well as good ethics. To allow a mediocre position to fester to the detriment of the company, the salesperson, and the customers is to persist in a dishonesty.

Understanding that he works only through his sales people, and that he has the opportunity to make a great effect on his people, a professional sales steward type it his undertaking to know his people. Ned spent era with me in the field, talking not only about business, but also performance at understanding the person I was as well. He'd arrange to meet me for breakfast or lunch regularly, even if he weren't disbursement the day with me. He wanted to get to know my wife as well, and paid close consideration to her opinions. Several times over the five years we went to dinner as a foursome.

I could never stop in the legislature without entity expected to sit in his legislature and talk about things. And, of course, there was the annual pig roast at his house, where all his salespeople and their families were invited to spend a fun day while the pig roasted over the spit. I was always a homme to Ned, never just a "salesperson."

Because he took the time to get to know me, he was equipped with the wisdom of exactly how to best manage me. And he always saw the potential in me, and was ready to correct me when necessary. In the first year of my employment, I was earning the regard among the inside customer nourishment and purchasing people of entity difficult and demanding. I was a hot-shot superstar who didn't proceeds their feelings into consideration, and came into the legislature and dumped vocation on them. Ned let me know that my ways needed to change. At first, I didn't salaries much attention. My numbers were too good for anybody to be concerned. So Ned let me know a assistant time that I was departing to have to change. The post was so acute, that the venture manager was lobbying to get me fired! Guided by his boldness hand, I swallowed my pride, adopted a more humble attitude, and bought all the customer service reps a six pack of reward beer as a gift. My inventory inside the enterprises spring up dramatically, my method corrected, and my future assured.

A professional sales steward guides and corrects his charges in lineup to help them achieve their potential.

Ned never stopped learning. He would often tell me closely seminars he'd attended, books he'd read, or impression he'd picked up by talking with other people. He knew that he never "knew it all." So it is with every professional sales manager. A actuality professional never stops learning. He understands that the world is changing rapidly, continually demanding new skills, new ideas, and new competencies from him. At the same time, his salesclerks and their buyer are changing also. So, he understands that he has a challenge to continuously grow and improve, to learn more and become btter at his job. Sales direction isn't just a job, it's a challenge of a lifetime of improvement.

One more observation. Understanding that a professional sales steward is only successful when his charges are successful, an excellent sales steward supports, encourages and gives his sales people the credit.

It was the fourth year of my tenure, and Ned was lobbying for me to be awarded the "Salesperson of the year" award. It was given not only for sales performance, but for more subjective things - encouraging the company's purpose and ethics, becoming along with other clan in the company, etc. The endowments was a great honor, and extremely difficult to win. Each sales manager nominated their preferences salesperson, and lobbied for one of their charges with the company's executives, who made the final choice.

The annual awards celebration was held at an exclusive land club, where the men wore tuxedos and the women formal evening gowns. When feast was done, the speeches were finished and the lesser awards announced, it came time for the big one, the one I wanted.

The climate was tense and expectant. The entire room silent as the time approached for the announcement. Then, as the enterprises leader announced my name, it was Ned who thrust his hand in the shred and shouted "YES!"

The shooter that hangs on my bedroom wall shows me tremor flippers with the chief and tolerating the award. Look carefully and you'll see Ned places proudly in the background.

There is a ballad that I find particularly moving. Perhaps you know the words made popular by Bette Midler. It goes like this, "It must have been lonely there in my shadow... Without the sun upon your face I was the one with all the glory You were the one with all the strength.

I tins fly higher than an eagle Because you are the appearance beneath my wings." Want to excel as a sales manger? Want to be a true professional? Look at your place as a unique risk to touch others, to select, correct, maintenance and encourage your salespeople, to achieve your company's goal by become a positive strengths in their lives. It's not a job, it's a mission. Be the air beneath their wings.

And perhaps, one day, fifteen years from now, someone will write about you.

About Dave Kahle, The Growth Coach®: Dave Kahle is a consultant and handler who helps his clients increase their sales and improve their sales productivity. He speaks from real burrow experience, owning been the quantity one salesperson in the manure for two guests in two distinct industries. Dave has trained thousands of salesclerks to be more successful in the Information Age economy. He's the composer of over 500 articles, a monthly ezine, and four books. His latest is 10 Secrets of Time Management for Salespeople. He has a present for creating powerful training events that get audiences thinking differently closely sales.

For more about visit our site [ https://teamwave.com/features/sales-management ].

[wineanddinosaur]

How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs

After months of unemployment as a result of Covid-19-related restaurant closures, some sommeliers may be considering new career moves within the wine industry. While positions in importer or distributor sales, wine production, retail, consulting, and wine writing may seem like natural pivots for somms, those who have already made the transition from the floor explain that there’s more to these moves than meets the eye.

Pursuing Sales Positions

Because a sommelier’s primary job is to sell wine to guests in order to generate beverage sales for a restaurant, other sales and marketing positions in the wine industry are common pursuits for somms looking to leave the floor. When Jeff Russell was ready to step away from his position as a sommelier at Terroir in New York, he joined the team at MFW Wine Co. as a sales representative. His wine knowledge, hospitality experience, and sales skills transitioned well, but there was still plenty to learn.

“It takes a lot more preparation than people think,” says Russell. Before visiting buyers, he suggests studying wine lists ahead of time, looking for open spots in the program, and bringing wines that will most resonate with the buyer. And for those who want to leave the floor to avoid the physical strain of restaurant work, be forewarned: In cities where personal cars aren’t prevalent, carrying a wine bag from appointment to appointment is still physically demanding.

While wine sales positions have experienced cuts as well — Russell himself was furloughed from his most recent position as the head of sales and marketing at Eden Ciders — he expects more available job opportunities once restaurants reopen. To find potential jobs, Russell suggests that somms reach out to contacts working with portfolios they like, and getting an understanding of which territories may need to be addressed.

Being a successful sales rep takes time and investment, though. “You’re not going to make a ton of money right away,” says Russell. “That only happens once you build up your territory.”

Many sommeliers look to sales positions at wine shops — or have even worked in wine retail in the past — because there’s a relatively light lift to transition from selling wine in a restaurant to selling wine at retail. However, Russell, who is currently working at Brooklyn Wine Exchange, notes that the interaction with consumers in wine shops is often different than it is in restaurants. “Not everyone wants an ‘experience’ in retail,” he says. “Not everyone wants to talk with you, and a lot of people want to get the same bottle over and over.”

Full-time marketing or brand ambassador roles with individual companies or regional organizations are often highly coveted — and rarely offered — positions. Often, obtaining these roles depends on contacts within the industry and specialized knowledge. While Jim Clarke joined the Wines of South Africa team as a full-time marketing manager in 2013, getting the job resulted from a strong relationship with the organization that he developed early in his wine career.

“Figure out what region you are passionate enough about that you can make that personal investment,” says Clarke, who specialized in South African wines early on and freelanced for the organization regularly before taking on a full-time role. It can also be helpful to gain a foundation in marketing and seek out experience in public speaking, as Clarke notes that it is much different than speaking at a table with guests.

It’s also important to understand how the wine industry works at all levels — especially retail — and to embrace every wine being represented. “As a sommelier, you tend to work with the fine wines of the world,” says Clarke. “Working with the wine that retails for $8 or $10 in big-box stores is also part of your job.”

Leaping to Writing and Consulting

Sales positions aren’t the only wine industry options for sommeliers. Some may be interested in the flexibility that writing and consulting can offer, and others may want to make the leap to winemaking. Clarke began writing about wine before he landed his first official sommelier position and continued to write on a freelance basis while working in restaurants.

“The most important thing is to learn how to pitch,” says Clarke, who took a Mediabistro class early in his writing career to hone his writing skills. “Learning to communicate with editors that way is vital to getting in the door.” If they want to pursue writing jobs, sommeliers must also accept that they will often be interviewing other experts as sources — even if they may know the information themselves.

“You have to check your ego,” says Clarke. “Not many people want your opinion without quoting sources, so you’re giving up being an authority on the subject.” He stresses the importance of crafting stories about wine, rather than including every fact about a region or style, and warns that freelance writing rarely pays the bills on its own; most freelance writers have other sources of income, like consulting, full- or part-time positions, or spousal support.

Though former Jean-Georges chef sommelier Kristie Petrullo expected that her consulting business would largely have her working with private collectors and managing home cellars, she quickly discovered that wasn’t the case. “Flexibility is the key to consulting,” she says. “I had to hustle and learn on the fly.” In addition to crafting beverage programs and working with private clients, she has worked as a guest sommelier, an educator and spokesperson, and more through Petrullo Wine Company.

It’s important to treat a consulting business like a business from the start: Formally create a business entity, get a business bank account, start a website, and create business cards. Most of Petrullo’s business happened organically through industry contacts, other consultants, and word of mouth, so she suggests that sommeliers leverage their networks — and be gracious to everyone they meet in their careers.

While the prospect of being independent is alluring, adjusting to a more solitary work environment can be tricky. “You need to be really organized,” says Petrullo. “You’re only held accountable by yourself.” Be disciplined with finances, time management, and schedules, and meet every client’s expectations by resisting the urge to overcommit. “Everything you do affects your reputation,” she says, “and it’s your entire livelihood.”

Moving Into Wine Production

Likewise, pursuing a winemaking position can be a shock. “Going from working in restaurants to a winery is a major change, one that wasn’t easy — physically or mentally,” says Chris Walsh, the owner of Little John Lane and the End of Nowhere in Amador City, Calif. When Walsh left his sommelier position at Corkbuzz in New York City to start his own winery in 2014, he found that his blind-tasting experience and familiarity with diverse styles of wine were helpful to the transition — but there’s plenty more for aspiring winemakers to learn.

“The more you educate yourself the better you’ll be,” says André Hueston Mack, who started Maison Noir Wines in Oregon’s Willamette Valley in 2007, after leaving his position as head sommelier at Per Se. He suggests taking an online winemaking class through U.C. Davis or getting an apprenticeship. Walsh, who interned at Donkey & Goat in Berkeley, Calif., admits that he had to shake off some preconceived notions about winemaking when he started.

“I think every somm should work at least one harvest as an intern at a smaller winery,” says Walsh, adding that small wineries offer a well-rounded and hands-on learning experience. Mack agrees, suggesting that sommeliers seek out opportunities to spend time in wineries and ask plenty of questions.

“All of these things are only gonna make you stronger at your job and also prepare you for life after the floor,” Mack says. These typically unpaid learning opportunities can lead to a cellar hand position, where an aspiring winemaker will typically stay for several years, adds Walsh.

The goal of launching a new winery adds another hurdle on top of simply entering the field of winemaking; as with any new business, it takes time and financial investment. “The wine business is a huge outlay of cash, and it could be years before you see any type of return,” says Mack.

“This is the kind of career change that takes years — plural,” adds Walsh. “Don’t expect to jump into winemaking and be making good wine — or even your own wine — three months from now.” Things like licensing and compliance with local and federal rules come before sourcing grapes or planting vines.

Even after the wine is made, success relies on the ability to manage logistics like pricing, storing, shipping, and marketing, as well as finding distribution. “[A misconception] is that making wine is good enough,” says Walsh. “You have to be very savvy about selling wine as well. It’s a lot to handle.”

Launching a Wine Startup

Other sommeliers might be thinking of pursuing new business ideas outside of wine production as full-time gigs or side hustles. Russell, along with partner Will Mcleod, who has experience getting startups off the ground, quickly launched virtual tasting company Bespoke Social Club after he was furloughed due to Covid-19. With sommeliers out of work and consumers drinking more wine at home, the duo saw a long-term business opportunity.

“I think it’s going to be awhile before anything gets back to normal,” says Russell, “so there will be a paradigm shift in the way people drink.” Bespoke Social Club sells $60 tickets to themed beverage classes, which gets purchasers a flight of six 3-ounce samples shipped to their homes, along with access to the live tasting. Between paying guest somms with a per-attendee fee and profit share, purchasing materials and wines, and packaging and shipping each flight of 3-ounce wines for classes, the new business has required plenty of manpower without much profit — yet.

“It was trial and error,” says Russell, who notes that the company has recently had success with private corporate tastings. But the most important thing for starting a new business is perseverance. “Just keep going,” he says. “Don’t automatically pull back, and don’t let it bring you down.”

The article How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/sommeliers-pivot-other-wine-jobs/

[johnboothus]

How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs

After months of unemployment as a result of Covid-19-related restaurant closures, some sommeliers may be considering new career moves within the wine industry. While positions in importer or distributor sales, wine production, retail, consulting, and wine writing may seem like natural pivots for somms, those who have already made the transition from the floor explain that there’s more to these moves than meets the eye.

Pursuing Sales Positions

Because a sommelier’s primary job is to sell wine to guests in order to generate beverage sales for a restaurant, other sales and marketing positions in the wine industry are common pursuits for somms looking to leave the floor. When Jeff Russell was ready to step away from his position as a sommelier at Terroir in New York, he joined the team at MFW Wine Co. as a sales representative. His wine knowledge, hospitality experience, and sales skills transitioned well, but there was still plenty to learn.

“It takes a lot more preparation than people think,” says Russell. Before visiting buyers, he suggests studying wine lists ahead of time, looking for open spots in the program, and bringing wines that will most resonate with the buyer. And for those who want to leave the floor to avoid the physical strain of restaurant work, be forewarned: In cities where personal cars aren’t prevalent, carrying a wine bag from appointment to appointment is still physically demanding.

While wine sales positions have experienced cuts as well — Russell himself was furloughed from his most recent position as the head of sales and marketing at Eden Ciders — he expects more available job opportunities once restaurants reopen. To find potential jobs, Russell suggests that somms reach out to contacts working with portfolios they like, and getting an understanding of which territories may need to be addressed.

Being a successful sales rep takes time and investment, though. “You’re not going to make a ton of money right away,” says Russell. “That only happens once you build up your territory.”

Many sommeliers look to sales positions at wine shops — or have even worked in wine retail in the past — because there’s a relatively light lift to transition from selling wine in a restaurant to selling wine at retail. However, Russell, who is currently working at Brooklyn Wine Exchange, notes that the interaction with consumers in wine shops is often different than it is in restaurants. “Not everyone wants an ‘experience’ in retail,” he says. “Not everyone wants to talk with you, and a lot of people want to get the same bottle over and over.”

Full-time marketing or brand ambassador roles with individual companies or regional organizations are often highly coveted — and rarely offered — positions. Often, obtaining these roles depends on contacts within the industry and specialized knowledge. While Jim Clarke joined the Wines of South Africa team as a full-time marketing manager in 2013, getting the job resulted from a strong relationship with the organization that he developed early in his wine career.

“Figure out what region you are passionate enough about that you can make that personal investment,” says Clarke, who specialized in South African wines early on and freelanced for the organization regularly before taking on a full-time role. It can also be helpful to gain a foundation in marketing and seek out experience in public speaking, as Clarke notes that it is much different than speaking at a table with guests.

It’s also important to understand how the wine industry works at all levels — especially retail — and to embrace every wine being represented. “As a sommelier, you tend to work with the fine wines of the world,” says Clarke. “Working with the wine that retails for $8 or $10 in big-box stores is also part of your job.”

Leaping to Writing and Consulting

Sales positions aren’t the only wine industry options for sommeliers. Some may be interested in the flexibility that writing and consulting can offer, and others may want to make the leap to winemaking. Clarke began writing about wine before he landed his first official sommelier position and continued to write on a freelance basis while working in restaurants.

“The most important thing is to learn how to pitch,” says Clarke, who took a Mediabistro class early in his writing career to hone his writing skills. “Learning to communicate with editors that way is vital to getting in the door.” If they want to pursue writing jobs, sommeliers must also accept that they will often be interviewing other experts as sources — even if they may know the information themselves.

“You have to check your ego,” says Clarke. “Not many people want your opinion without quoting sources, so you’re giving up being an authority on the subject.” He stresses the importance of crafting stories about wine, rather than including every fact about a region or style, and warns that freelance writing rarely pays the bills on its own; most freelance writers have other sources of income, like consulting, full- or part-time positions, or spousal support.

Though former Jean-Georges chef sommelier Kristie Petrullo expected that her consulting business would largely have her working with private collectors and managing home cellars, she quickly discovered that wasn’t the case. “Flexibility is the key to consulting,” she says. “I had to hustle and learn on the fly.” In addition to crafting beverage programs and working with private clients, she has worked as a guest sommelier, an educator and spokesperson, and more through Petrullo Wine Company.

It’s important to treat a consulting business like a business from the start: Formally create a business entity, get a business bank account, start a website, and create business cards. Most of Petrullo’s business happened organically through industry contacts, other consultants, and word of mouth, so she suggests that sommeliers leverage their networks — and be gracious to everyone they meet in their careers.

While the prospect of being independent is alluring, adjusting to a more solitary work environment can be tricky. “You need to be really organized,” says Petrullo. “You’re only held accountable by yourself.” Be disciplined with finances, time management, and schedules, and meet every client’s expectations by resisting the urge to overcommit. “Everything you do affects your reputation,” she says, “and it’s your entire livelihood.”

Moving Into Wine Production

Likewise, pursuing a winemaking position can be a shock. “Going from working in restaurants to a winery is a major change, one that wasn’t easy — physically or mentally,” says Chris Walsh, the owner of Little John Lane and the End of Nowhere in Amador City, Calif. When Walsh left his sommelier position at Corkbuzz in New York City to start his own winery in 2014, he found that his blind-tasting experience and familiarity with diverse styles of wine were helpful to the transition — but there’s plenty more for aspiring winemakers to learn.

“The more you educate yourself the better you’ll be,” says André Hueston Mack, who started Maison Noir Wines in Oregon’s Willamette Valley in 2007, after leaving his position as head sommelier at Per Se. He suggests taking an online winemaking class through U.C. Davis or getting an apprenticeship. Walsh, who interned at Donkey & Goat in Berkeley, Calif., admits that he had to shake off some preconceived notions about winemaking when he started.

“I think every somm should work at least one harvest as an intern at a smaller winery,” says Walsh, adding that small wineries offer a well-rounded and hands-on learning experience. Mack agrees, suggesting that sommeliers seek out opportunities to spend time in wineries and ask plenty of questions.

“All of these things are only gonna make you stronger at your job and also prepare you for life after the floor,” Mack says. These typically unpaid learning opportunities can lead to a cellar hand position, where an aspiring winemaker will typically stay for several years, adds Walsh.

The goal of launching a new winery adds another hurdle on top of simply entering the field of winemaking; as with any new business, it takes time and financial investment. “The wine business is a huge outlay of cash, and it could be years before you see any type of return,” says Mack.

“This is the kind of career change that takes years — plural,” adds Walsh. “Don’t expect to jump into winemaking and be making good wine — or even your own wine — three months from now.” Things like licensing and compliance with local and federal rules come before sourcing grapes or planting vines.

Even after the wine is made, success relies on the ability to manage logistics like pricing, storing, shipping, and marketing, as well as finding distribution. “[A misconception] is that making wine is good enough,” says Walsh. “You have to be very savvy about selling wine as well. It’s a lot to handle.”

Launching a Wine Startup

Other sommeliers might be thinking of pursuing new business ideas outside of wine production as full-time gigs or side hustles. Russell, along with partner Will Mcleod, who has experience getting startups off the ground, quickly launched virtual tasting company Bespoke Social Club after he was furloughed due to Covid-19. With sommeliers out of work and consumers drinking more wine at home, the duo saw a long-term business opportunity.

“I think it’s going to be awhile before anything gets back to normal,” says Russell, “so there will be a paradigm shift in the way people drink.” Bespoke Social Club sells $60 tickets to themed beverage classes, which gets purchasers a flight of six 3-ounce samples shipped to their homes, along with access to the live tasting. Between paying guest somms with a per-attendee fee and profit share, purchasing materials and wines, and packaging and shipping each flight of 3-ounce wines for classes, the new business has required plenty of manpower without much profit — yet.

“It was trial and error,” says Russell, who notes that the company has recently had success with private corporate tastings. But the most important thing for starting a new business is perseverance. “Just keep going,” he says. “Don’t automatically pull back, and don’t let it bring you down.”

The article How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/sommeliers-pivot-other-wine-jobs/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/how-sommeliers-can-pivot-to-other-wine-jobs

[isaiahrippinus]

How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs

After months of unemployment as a result of Covid-19-related restaurant closures, some sommeliers may be considering new career moves within the wine industry. While positions in importer or distributor sales, wine production, retail, consulting, and wine writing may seem like natural pivots for somms, those who have already made the transition from the floor explain that there’s more to these moves than meets the eye.

Pursuing Sales Positions

Because a sommelier’s primary job is to sell wine to guests in order to generate beverage sales for a restaurant, other sales and marketing positions in the wine industry are common pursuits for somms looking to leave the floor. When Jeff Russell was ready to step away from his position as a sommelier at Terroir in New York, he joined the team at MFW Wine Co. as a sales representative. His wine knowledge, hospitality experience, and sales skills transitioned well, but there was still plenty to learn.

“It takes a lot more preparation than people think,” says Russell. Before visiting buyers, he suggests studying wine lists ahead of time, looking for open spots in the program, and bringing wines that will most resonate with the buyer. And for those who want to leave the floor to avoid the physical strain of restaurant work, be forewarned: In cities where personal cars aren’t prevalent, carrying a wine bag from appointment to appointment is still physically demanding.

While wine sales positions have experienced cuts as well — Russell himself was furloughed from his most recent position as the head of sales and marketing at Eden Ciders — he expects more available job opportunities once restaurants reopen. To find potential jobs, Russell suggests that somms reach out to contacts working with portfolios they like, and getting an understanding of which territories may need to be addressed.

Being a successful sales rep takes time and investment, though. “You’re not going to make a ton of money right away,” says Russell. “That only happens once you build up your territory.”

Many sommeliers look to sales positions at wine shops — or have even worked in wine retail in the past — because there’s a relatively light lift to transition from selling wine in a restaurant to selling wine at retail. However, Russell, who is currently working at Brooklyn Wine Exchange, notes that the interaction with consumers in wine shops is often different than it is in restaurants. “Not everyone wants an ‘experience’ in retail,” he says. “Not everyone wants to talk with you, and a lot of people want to get the same bottle over and over.”

Full-time marketing or brand ambassador roles with individual companies or regional organizations are often highly coveted — and rarely offered — positions. Often, obtaining these roles depends on contacts within the industry and specialized knowledge. While Jim Clarke joined the Wines of South Africa team as a full-time marketing manager in 2013, getting the job resulted from a strong relationship with the organization that he developed early in his wine career.

“Figure out what region you are passionate enough about that you can make that personal investment,” says Clarke, who specialized in South African wines early on and freelanced for the organization regularly before taking on a full-time role. It can also be helpful to gain a foundation in marketing and seek out experience in public speaking, as Clarke notes that it is much different than speaking at a table with guests.

It’s also important to understand how the wine industry works at all levels — especially retail — and to embrace every wine being represented. “As a sommelier, you tend to work with the fine wines of the world,” says Clarke. “Working with the wine that retails for $8 or $10 in big-box stores is also part of your job.”

Leaping to Writing and Consulting

Sales positions aren’t the only wine industry options for sommeliers. Some may be interested in the flexibility that writing and consulting can offer, and others may want to make the leap to winemaking. Clarke began writing about wine before he landed his first official sommelier position and continued to write on a freelance basis while working in restaurants.

“The most important thing is to learn how to pitch,” says Clarke, who took a Mediabistro class early in his writing career to hone his writing skills. “Learning to communicate with editors that way is vital to getting in the door.” If they want to pursue writing jobs, sommeliers must also accept that they will often be interviewing other experts as sources — even if they may know the information themselves.

“You have to check your ego,” says Clarke. “Not many people want your opinion without quoting sources, so you’re giving up being an authority on the subject.” He stresses the importance of crafting stories about wine, rather than including every fact about a region or style, and warns that freelance writing rarely pays the bills on its own; most freelance writers have other sources of income, like consulting, full- or part-time positions, or spousal support.

Though former Jean-Georges chef sommelier Kristie Petrullo expected that her consulting business would largely have her working with private collectors and managing home cellars, she quickly discovered that wasn’t the case. “Flexibility is the key to consulting,” she says. “I had to hustle and learn on the fly.” In addition to crafting beverage programs and working with private clients, she has worked as a guest sommelier, an educator and spokesperson, and more through Petrullo Wine Company.

It’s important to treat a consulting business like a business from the start: Formally create a business entity, get a business bank account, start a website, and create business cards. Most of Petrullo’s business happened organically through industry contacts, other consultants, and word of mouth, so she suggests that sommeliers leverage their networks — and be gracious to everyone they meet in their careers.

While the prospect of being independent is alluring, adjusting to a more solitary work environment can be tricky. “You need to be really organized,” says Petrullo. “You’re only held accountable by yourself.” Be disciplined with finances, time management, and schedules, and meet every client’s expectations by resisting the urge to overcommit. “Everything you do affects your reputation,” she says, “and it’s your entire livelihood.”

Moving Into Wine Production

Likewise, pursuing a winemaking position can be a shock. “Going from working in restaurants to a winery is a major change, one that wasn’t easy — physically or mentally,” says Chris Walsh, the owner of Little John Lane and the End of Nowhere in Amador City, Calif. When Walsh left his sommelier position at Corkbuzz in New York City to start his own winery in 2014, he found that his blind-tasting experience and familiarity with diverse styles of wine were helpful to the transition — but there’s plenty more for aspiring winemakers to learn.

“The more you educate yourself the better you’ll be,” says André Hueston Mack, who started Maison Noir Wines in Oregon’s Willamette Valley in 2007, after leaving his position as head sommelier at Per Se. He suggests taking an online winemaking class through U.C. Davis or getting an apprenticeship. Walsh, who interned at Donkey & Goat in Berkeley, Calif., admits that he had to shake off some preconceived notions about winemaking when he started.

“I think every somm should work at least one harvest as an intern at a smaller winery,” says Walsh, adding that small wineries offer a well-rounded and hands-on learning experience. Mack agrees, suggesting that sommeliers seek out opportunities to spend time in wineries and ask plenty of questions.

“All of these things are only gonna make you stronger at your job and also prepare you for life after the floor,” Mack says. These typically unpaid learning opportunities can lead to a cellar hand position, where an aspiring winemaker will typically stay for several years, adds Walsh.

The goal of launching a new winery adds another hurdle on top of simply entering the field of winemaking; as with any new business, it takes time and financial investment. “The wine business is a huge outlay of cash, and it could be years before you see any type of return,” says Mack.

“This is the kind of career change that takes years — plural,” adds Walsh. “Don’t expect to jump into winemaking and be making good wine — or even your own wine — three months from now.” Things like licensing and compliance with local and federal rules come before sourcing grapes or planting vines.

Even after the wine is made, success relies on the ability to manage logistics like pricing, storing, shipping, and marketing, as well as finding distribution. “[A misconception] is that making wine is good enough,” says Walsh. “You have to be very savvy about selling wine as well. It’s a lot to handle.”

Launching a Wine Startup

Other sommeliers might be thinking of pursuing new business ideas outside of wine production as full-time gigs or side hustles. Russell, along with partner Will Mcleod, who has experience getting startups off the ground, quickly launched virtual tasting company Bespoke Social Club after he was furloughed due to Covid-19. With sommeliers out of work and consumers drinking more wine at home, the duo saw a long-term business opportunity.

“I think it’s going to be awhile before anything gets back to normal,” says Russell, “so there will be a paradigm shift in the way people drink.” Bespoke Social Club sells $60 tickets to themed beverage classes, which gets purchasers a flight of six 3-ounce samples shipped to their homes, along with access to the live tasting. Between paying guest somms with a per-attendee fee and profit share, purchasing materials and wines, and packaging and shipping each flight of 3-ounce wines for classes, the new business has required plenty of manpower without much profit — yet.

“It was trial and error,” says Russell, who notes that the company has recently had success with private corporate tastings. But the most important thing for starting a new business is perseverance. “Just keep going,” he says. “Don’t automatically pull back, and don’t let it bring you down.”

The article How Sommeliers Can Pivot to Other Wine Jobs appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/sommeliers-pivot-other-wine-jobs/ source https://vinology1.tumblr.com/post/621729285604048896

[thebestify]

20 ways to make money online - Fox News

The world is full of odd jobs, but here's what one of the most unusual: scooter retriever.

Get your gift from Here to start earning money... During a recent show, I got a call from Tiffany in Los Angeles. Her side-hustle is to pick up electric scooters, recharge them, and put them back on the street. Companies like Bird and Lime have become very popular in certain cities, and the services hire regular people to help out with their stock. Tiffany claims to earn between $6,500 and $7,500 per month. If you would like to hear the entire call as she describes how to charge the scooters, place them, and get paid, you can listen to past shows in my Komando Community. Tap or click here to check it out now. One thing is sure: technology has opened up a lot of job opportunities. Specialized apps and websites make second jobs more accessible and more flexible than ever – and some people are making serious bank. Some opportunities come in waves. Tap or click here to be a part of Amazon hiring 30,000 new workers for the holiday season. Here are 20 jobs that are in regular demand, thanks to advances in consumer tech.

1. Transcription

If you have the time, typing skills, and a pair of earphones, you can transcribe for money. The best part about transcribing is that you can often do it from home on your schedule. Look for work on sites like Daily Transcription. On job sites, search specifically for medical transcriptionist positions or run more of a generic search, like this one. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

2. Freelance Writing

Are you a skilled writer? You can quickly start making money as a freelance content creator. You can check sites like JournalismJobs.com, Indeed, WriterAccess, and others such as Freelancer. You can also visit Upwork to view listings for freelance writing jobs, along with other options. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

3. Blogger

Similarly, you could start a blog and, once you have a following of a few hundred or thousand people, you can make money with advertising. You can quickly create a blog on Google's Blogger, for instance. How do you start? Check out my eBook, "How to Start a Blog & Make Money," where I cover the blogging process for beginners. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

4. Search engine evaluation

One way companies find out how well their websites are working is by hiring evaluators to give them feedback. A good place to start looking for evaluator jobs is Appen, formerly known as Leapforce. Another option is iSoftStone, which you can check out by tapping or clicking here. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

5. Virtual assistant

You can make up to $30 an hour as a virtual assistant, which is essentially a secretary who works from home. You can find employers looking for full-time or part-time assistants on sites like Zirtual.com, FlexJobs, and Upwork. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

6. Answering service

For the verbally adept, there are doctors, dentists, and many other companies that will hire you to answer their phone. You can often do that from home. Search for “remote answering service positions” on job sites. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

7. Online reseller

Perhaps you’ve sold items on sites like Facebook Marketplace and eBay. Many people make a full-time living (or side-hustle) photographing items, writing descriptions, and even discussing products in person with potential buyers. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

8. Secret shopper

Mystery shopping dates to before the internet, and many "secret agents" still make some money by posing as regular customers. Secret shoppers help stores assess stocked shelves, correct markings, and customer service. It won't make you a millionaire, but you can quickly sign up through Field Agent. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

9. Complete everyday tasks

If you're considered “handy” and want to get out of the house, check out TaskRabbit. There, you can find jobs for furniture assembly, helping with moving and packing, cleaning, heavy lifting, or as a general handyman. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

10. Call center rep

Believe it or not, an army of customer reps are now answering calls from the comfort of their homes – and not in soulless calling centers. Get started at sites like WorkingSolutions.com or run a search for “work at a home call center” at job sites. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

11. Ride-share driver

If you don't have ride-share apps like Uber and Lyft on your smartphone, you should. You never know when you'll be far from home or your hotel without a way to get home. Meanwhile, you could be the driver who's making money by visiting Uber.com or Lyft.com. Apply to be a Lyft driver here, and for Uber, click or tap here. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

12. Social media consultant

Everyone uses social media, but only some people know about SEO and targeted posting. You can make a career out of this or extra money if you don't have the time for full-time work. Get started on sites such as Jobsinsocialmedia.com. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

13. Dog walker and pet-sitting

Love animals? Help fellow pet people. You can become a dog walker to help residents in your area by searching listings at Wag! You can check for dog-walking jobs and pet-sitting at other sites like Rover. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

14. Tech support rep

Technical expertise is worth good money if you also have excellent communication skills. If you feel equipped helping people with tasks, get paid for it. Search for “work at home technical support positions” at the job sites. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

15. Online teacher

Online education has exploded in recent years. Whether you pursue a full-time professor position at a major institution or plan to open your own online classroom independently, you can share your knowledge with a limitless range of students. For listings at established institutions, you'll find listings on several sites, including TeachAway. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

16. Expert

Documented expertise can go a long way online. Advanced degrees and high certification can open doors to consulting positions, interview gigs, and other unexpected opportunities. To cash in on your inner wonk, try sites like JustAnswer.com. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

17. Beauty rep

People have been earning extra cash selling cosmetics for generations. While product parties remain popular, you can also sell cosmetics online at sites like Alconeathome.com. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

18. Virtual bridesmaid

Typically, a bridesmaid is a sister or beloved friend. But given the intensity of wedding planning, brides often hire a kind of wedding assistant; you can (virtually) help a bride ace her happiest day at BridesmadeForHire.com. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

19. Photographer

The cyclone of high-level digital cameras hasn’t diminished the need for skilled photographers. Two great photography sites to take a look at our Imagekind or FineArtAmerica. They both make it easy to upload your work and start making money. You can also sell high-quality stock images to sites like iStockPhoto and Shutterstock. These sites sell your pictures to advertisers and businesses for you. The pay can vary, but you can expect to earn 15% to 45% of each sale. Get your gift from Here to start earning money.

20. Over 50?

There are several jobs popular among people over 50. If you'd like to know which ones, check out our report on the best jobs for people over 50. What digital lifestyle questions do you have? Call Kim’s national radio show and tap or click here to find it on your local radio station. You can listen to or watch the Kim Komando Show on your phone, tablet, television or computer. Or tap or click here for Kim’s free podcasts. Get your gift from Here to start earning money. Copyright 2019, WestStar Multimedia Entertainment. All rights reserved. Learn about all the latest technology on The Kim Komando Show, the nation's largest weekend radio talk show. Kim takes calls and dispenses advice on today's digital lifestyle, from smartphones and tablets to online privacy and data hacks. For her daily tips, free newsletters and more, visit her website at Komando.com. Read the full article

[badgersmash9-blog]

2:00PM Water Cooler 11/13/2018

By Lambert Strether of Corrente.

Trade

“Port Tracker report points to increased import activity ahead of next round of tariffs” [Logistics Management]. “United States-bound imports trended down from the pre-holiday peak while still coming in at higher-than-usual levels, with retailers importing merchandise in advance of a coming tariff increase in January, according to the new edition of the Port Tracker report issued today by the National Retail Federation (NRF) and maritime consultancy Hackett Associates…. ‘Imports have usually dropped off significantly by this time of year but we’re still seeing numbers that could have set records in the past,’ NRF Vice President for Supply Chain and Customs Policy Jonathan Gold said in a statement. ‘Part of this is driven by consumer demand in the strong economy but retailers also know that tariffs on the latest round of goods are set to more than double in just a few weeks. If there are shipments that can be moved up, it makes sense to do that before the price goes up.'”

“Growing trade restrictions are triggering tensions between companies in automotive supply chains. … [Q]uestions over tariffs have prompted some blunt warnings between buyers and suppliers and even a lawsuit between a major auto parts maker and a key components provider” [Wall Street Journal]. “Pierburg US LLC says a supplier is trying to exact ‘extortion’ by refusing to ship parts from China unless the 25% tariff cost is paid in full. The disputes highlight the complexity of supply chains that may take in roughly 30,000 individual parts and hundreds of direct or downstream suppliers. The business is underpinned by thousands of detailed long-term contracts that now have big new costs and uncertainty thrown into the mix.”

Politics

“But what is government itself, but the greatest of all reflections on human nature?” –James Madison, Federalist 51

2020

Perhaps not entirely safe for work:

Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done.

O’Rourke is like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.

— Leah McElrath (@leahmcelrath) November 12, 2018

2018

“Most House Democrats Will Be in Majority for First Time Ever” [Roll Call]. “Of the 227 Democrats who are guaranteed to be serving in the 116th Congress — 10 House races remained uncalled as of Tuesday morning — 58 percent will be new to the majority. That includes 79 members who have served in Congress already and 53 new members. Only 95 Democrats returning next year have experienced life in the majority.” • And I can’t imagine anybody better equipped to show them the ropes than Nancy Pelosi….

Pelosi (1):

Nancy Pelosi: “None of us is indispensable, but some of us are just better at our jobs than others.” https://t.co/R0h3X8auA1

— Taegan Goddard (@politicalwire) November 13, 2018

Pelosi (2):

Now @Ocasio2018 has joined the sit-in by @sunrisemvmt & @justicedems at Pelosi's office calling for a #GreenNewDeal.

Pelosi has planned to relaunch a weak committee from 2008 to "study" the effects of climate change — essentially denying the serious reality of climate change. pic.twitter.com/tSjuJ5OTTU

— Waleed Shahid (@_waleedshahid) November 13, 2018

“Black Lawmakers Set to Assume More Powerful Roles in U.S. House” [Bloomberg]. “The Congressional Black Caucus is on the verge of becoming the most powerful bloc in the U.S. House when Democrats take control in January, with members to lead at least five committees and more than a dozen subcommittees.” • For more on the CBC, see Black Agenda Report: “The Black Political Class? The Congressional Black Caucus? These Joes Ain’t Loyal.” The black misleadership class, BAR calls them.

“Democrats Say Their First Bill Will Focus On Strengthening Democracy At Home” [NPR]. “The bill would establish automatic voter registration and reinvigorate the Voting Rights Act, crippled by a Supreme Court decision in 2013. It would take away redistricting power from state legislatures and give it to independent commissions. Other provisions would overturn the Supreme Court’s Citizens United ruling, which declared political spending is First Amendment free speech; they would mandate more disclosure of outside money and establish a public financing match for small contributions.” • We’ll need to see the details, of course, but this sounds good. However, I don’t see anything about hand-marked paper ballots, hand-counted in public. If the ballot system is broken, everything is broken, because no vote count can be trusted.

AZ Senate: “Kyrsten Sinema becomes first Democrat to win a Senate race in Arizona in 30 years” [Salon]. “Kyrsten Sinema has been elected as Arizona’s next senator — as well as the first openly bisexual United States Senator ever.” • She’ll immediately join the “Bisexuals Opposed to Medicare for All” caucus.

CA Leg: “Nearly a Week After Election Day, California Democrats Regain Supermajority in Legislature” [Governing]. “Democrats claimed victory Monday in two state Senate races, giving them back the two-thirds supermajority they lost in June when Orange County Democrat Josh Newman was recalled after he voted in favor of Gov. Jerry Brown’s gas tax increase.” • Great! Maybe now they can fix CalPERS without those pesky Republicans obstructing everything.

FL Vote: “Bay County accepted ballots through email—which state law doesn’t allow: report” [Florida Politics]. “Elections officials in Bay County, a Republican stronghold recently battered by Hurricane Michael, accepted votes via email. The catch: That’s counter to state law.”

ME-02: “Poliquin sues in federal court to stop ranked-choice vote count” [Portland Press-Herald]. “Republican 2nd District Rep. Bruce Poliquin filed a federal lawsuit Tuesday against Maine Secretary of State Matthew Dunlap in an attempt to stop a tabulation of ranked-choice ballots in his race against Democratic challenger Jared Golden.” • This is ridiculous. Poliquin knew the rules going in.

The suit filed in federal court in Bangor is asking for an injunction against Dunlap to stop what would be the first congressional race in the nation to be decided through ranked-choice voting.

“The Week in Public Finance: How Tax Policies Fared at the Ballot Box” [Governing]. “With a few exceptions, voters across the country on Election Day approved statewide proposals to reduce or limit taxes while also widely rejecting any efforts to raise them. But that wasn’t the story at the local level, where several tax increases passed.”

2018 Post Mortems

Why you’ve got to focus on the districts:

I feel like the broad take I come away from 2018 is that voters don’t process ideology the way pundits do and the relationship between campaign coverage, candidate rhetoric, actual candidate positions and actual candidate votes is tenuous. https://t.co/VgVNsSxHBR

— we're going to abolish ICE (@SeanMcElwee) November 12, 2018

Focusing on the districts is something I wish I had had more time to do. It’s not just a useful corrective for the media critique, it’s more important.

“How Did Medicare for All Candidates Fare in the Midterms?” [Splinter News]. “This year, a majority of House Democratic candidates endorsed Medicare for All, according to the union National Nurses United. If you had told me in 2014, or even 2016, that this would happen, I would have frowned at you, walked away, and possibly tried to contact someone who cares about you out of concern for your mental health. This was pretty damn huge….Only seven candidates in the 30 races Cook labeled as toss-ups endorsed Medicare for All; of those candidates, two won, three lost and two races are still undecided, but only one reduced the vote share over 2016. Harley Rouda, who supports Medicare for All, increased the Democratic share of the vote by 10 percent to beat Dana Rohrabacher, per current totals. Incredibly, a district that previously looked at Dana Rohrabacher and said yes, I want him, now wants a guy who supports single-payer instead.”

Realignment and Legitimacy

A very unfair portrait of the Democrats:

pic.twitter.com/BG4IqS9qKB

— Max Jerneck (@MaxJerneck) November 12, 2018

An even more unfair portrait of the Republicans:

For the sake of fairness, I should provide the Republican credo as well pic.twitter.com/qK35PlEml7

— Max Jerneck (@MaxJerneck) November 12, 2018

Stats Watch

NFIB Small Business Optimism Index, October 2018: “Optimism among small business owners remains near record levels” [Econoday]. “Along with glowing business optimism, the NFIB October survey also showed inflation heating up, with the net percent of owners raising selling prices up… The survey results should thus reinforce the Federal Reserve’s resolve to continue in its current policy of gradual increases in the Fed funds rate.” But: “Small Business Optimism Index decreased in October” [Calculated Risk]. “Most of this survey is noise, but there is some information, especially on the labor market and the ‘Single Most Important Problem’…. Usually small business owners complain about taxes and regulation… However, during the recession, ‘poor sales’ was the top problem. Now the difficulty of finding qualified workers is the top problem.”d

Banks: “New Supervisory Rating System for Large Banking Organizations” [Sullivan & Cromwell]. “On November 2, the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System (the “FRB”) issued a final rule (the “Final Rule”) that establishes a new rating system for the supervision of large financial institutions (“LFIs”). The LFI rating system applies to all bank holding companies with total consolidated assets of $100 billion or more…. [T]he new rating system still involves substantial subjectivity in the rating process.[25] Both the capital and liquidity components emphasize planning and risk management, as well as actual financial positions. The governance and control component is inherently subjective. The element of subjectivity may be intensified because an institution will not be considered well managed unless it is rated at least “Conditionally Meets Expectations” for each of the three rating components.” • Well, I imagine that whatever the banks can come up with, including the books, would involve a considerable amount of subjectivity in any case. No worries!

Retail: “How the ‘dark stores’ loophole helps big-box retailers evade millions in property taxes” [The New Food Economy]. “Since 2013, national retailers have successfully sued local governments in Midwest states to lower their property taxes. They claim that assessors shouldn’t determine their stores’ property value based on what they cost to build, or how much money the stores are taking in. In other words, they shouldn’t be taxed like occupied, functioning stores. Instead, say the stores (which also include supermarkets like Meijer, hardware stores like Home Depot, Lowe’s, and Menards, and pharmacies like CVS and Walgreens), the tax assessments should be based on what comparable stores sold for elsewhere. And that’s where things get tricky. For comparison, they’re pointing to so-called “dark stores”—those empty supercenters that blight small-town America…. The retailers were collectively seeking over $700 million in tax revenue.”

Shipping: “Think small when it comes to warehousing” [Logistics Management]. “[A]s the folks [ugh] at CapRock put it in a press release: ‘Typically less than 200,000 square feet in size and in a nearby infill location, and surrounded by housing with substantial purchasing power, small-box warehouses are now the linchpin in the e-commerce ecosystem.'” • My town used to have several small stores. Maybe now we’ll have a small warehouse instead. Exciting times.

Shipping: “Disruption in global oil trade is giving the tanker industry a much-needed boost. Daily freight rates for big crude carriers have soared four-fold to the highest levels in two years, WSJ Logistics Report’s Costas Paris writes, as buying patterns and shipping routes adjust to U.S sanctions on Iran and the trade battle with China” [Wall Street Journal]. “Tanker owners fear the rebound is short-lived, but they’re reaping the benefits now.”

Transportation: “Self-Driving Hotel Rooms May Soon Become a Reality” [Traveler (J-LS)]. “Imagine a world where you no longer fly between your house and your hotel. You drive there. Or more accurately, your hotel room drives you there.” • We call this a “train.”

Transportation: “Driverless cars will lead to more sex in cars, study finds” [MarketWatch]. “People will be sleeping in their vehicles, which has implications for roadside hotels. And people may be eating in vehicles that function as restaurant pods,” Scott Cohen [of Annals of Tourism Research said.] ‘That led us to think, besides sleeping, what other things will people do in cars when free from the task of driving?'” • Indeed. This works if the robot car industry retains today’s ownership model. If robot cars are hailed and rented, a la Uber, not so much. Who wants to find food, or body fluids, in their robot car?

Tech: “Apple’s new bootloader won’t let you install GNU/Linux — Updated” [Boing Boing]. “The chip comes with a user-inaccessible root of trust that allows for the installation of Apple and Microsoft operating systems, but not GNU/Linux and other open and free alternatives…. To make things worse, publishing tools to allow for bootloader overrides is legally risky under section 1201 of the DMCA, which provides for 5 year prison sentences and $500,000 fines (for a first offense) for anyone who trafficks in tools to override access controls for copyrighted works….. Update: After some doing, it’s possible to install GNU/Linux by disabling boot security altogether, though some further tweaking is required.”

Gaia

“Why did the Catastrophic Camp Fire Start Where it Did?” [Cliff Mass Weather and Climate Blog]. Good use of maps: “The power line failure occurred on the northeast side of a terrain feature, where the canyon narrowed. The terrain features would have blocked the flow and thus the winds could well have been substantially accelerated at EXACTLY the location of the failure.”

“Meat Has a Replacement But No One Knows What to Call It” [Bloomberg]. “Lab-grown. Cell-based. Clean. In vitro. Cultured. Fake. Artificial. Synthetic. Meat 2.0. These are all terms that refer to the same kind of food, one that’s not even on the market yet. But the companies making it have already raised hundreds of millions of dollars worth of investor cash and earned the close attention of U.S. regulators. Rather than methodically slaughtering animals, this industry uses science to grow what it claims is essentially the same thing as traditional meat. Given the planetary damage wrought by mass-market animal husbandry, such cellular agriculture is seen as the future of meat. But what to name it, and getting people to eat it, is another matter altogether.”

Guillotine Watch

“I understand your house is on fire….”

Fuck work. Fuck bosses. Fuck capitalism. pic.twitter.com/VPl3hu7yFp

— Los Angeles SRA (@LA_SocialistRA) November 11, 2018

I would love for this to be a hoax…..

Class Warfare

Interestingly, the Long Island City Amazon so-called HQ is on DSA’s patch. They’re on it. Thread:

As news spreads of a possible Amazon headquarters in Queens, let's review Amazon's history of worker abuses, shall we? https://t.co/3HiP0VGkHA

— New York City DSA 🌹 (@nycDSA) November 6, 2018

And DSA is canvasssing:

Wanna come canvass with us in Queens? https://t.co/F8cTuiKKwY

— Aaron Taube🌹 (@aptaube) November 13, 2018

Amazon is on AOC’s patch as well:

Amazon is a billion-dollar company. The idea that it will receive hundreds of millions of dollars in tax breaks at a time when our subway is crumbling and our communities need MORE investment, not less, is extremely concerning to residents here.

— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Ocasio2018) November 13, 2018

So certainly the possibility for some interesting dynamics here. Chance for DSA to flex its muscles, if any.

* * *

“UPS Freight avoids strike, plans to accept new volumes ‘immediately'” [Supply Chain Dive]. “Teamsters Local 25 member and UPS Freight employee for 12 years Nicholas Mayo told Supply Chain Dive that closing the network and “threatening closure” of the UPS Freight business, as he described it, left voters fearing for their jobs. ‘Look, I and everyone else that voted ‘no’ understood their need to get the freight out of the system protecting the customers’ interests, but it was the initial planted threat that caused the about-face creating fear amongst those that knew no better,’ said Mayo. The Teamsters’ main issues with the contract as it stands approved are around the prevalence of subcontracting and a two-tiered wage system.” • Ugh. So UPS muscled the Teamsters.

“When low-income families can meet their basic needs, children are healthier” [Boston Medical Center]. Ya think? More: “The study team created a composite measure of hardships that included a family’s ability to afford food, utilities, and health care, and maintain stable housing. All hardships described in the study have previously been associated with poor child and caregiver health. This study, however, examined the differences between children living in hardship-free families versus those in families with any or multiple hardships. In all cities, living in a hardship-free family was associated with good overall health for children and caregivers, positive developmental outcomes for young children, and positive mental health among mothers.”

“The unequal vulnerability of communities of color to wildfire” [PLOS One]. “[O]ver 29 million Americans live with significant potential for extreme wildfires, a majority of whom are white and socioeconomically secure. Within this segment, however, are 12 million socially vulnerable Americans for whom a wildfire event could be devastating. Additionally, wildfire vulnerability is spread unequally across race and ethnicity, with census tracts that were majority Black, Hispanic or Native American experiencing ca. 50% greater vulnerability to wildfire compared to other census tracts. Embracing a social-ecological perspective of fire-prone landscapes allows for the identification of areas that are poorly equipped to respond to wildfires.”

“Plans to microchip UK workers spark privacy concerns” [Independent]. “Several legal and financial firms in the UK are reportedly in discussions with a company responsible for fitting thousands of people with chips in Scandinavia… ‘These companies have sensitive documents they are dealing with,’ Biohax founder Jowan Österlund told the publication. ‘[The subdermal microchips] would allow them to set restrictions for whoever.'” • “For whoever.”

Workerdote:

When you work alone a lot.

pic.twitter.com/DPdkVC5B0i

— laney (@misslaneym) November 12, 2018

News of the Wired

“New Study Details Toxic Particles Spewed by 3D Printers” [Gizmodo]. “A newly published, two-year investigation to assess the impacts of desktop 3D printers on indoor air quality, conducted by scientists at UL Chemical Safety and Georgia Institute of Technology, now overcomes these shortcomings. The results, published in two separate studies in Aerosol Science and Technology (here and here), were not encouraging; in tests, the researchers were able to identify hundreds of different compounds, some of which are known health hazards. These findings come at a time when these low-cost machines are increasingly appearing in commercial, medical, and educational settings.” • Of course. I should have known….

“Mother of Invention” [Nnedi Okorafor, Slate]. Short SF story. The premise: “The post-oil city New Delta is now the greenest place in the world, thanks to the innovative air-scrubbing superplant known as periwinkle grass, a GMO grass created in Chinese labs by Nigerian scientist Nneka Mgbaramuko.” • Also, smart houses.

“Stan Lee, Marvel Comics’ Real-Life Superhero, Dies at 95” [Hollywoood Reporter]. “Born Stanley Martin Lieber on Dec. 28, 1922, he grew up poor in Washington Heights, where his father, a Romanian immigrant, was a dress-cutter. A lover of adventure books and Errol Flynn movies, Lee graduated from DeWitt Clinton High School, joined the WPA Federal Theatre Project, where he appeared in a few stage shows, and wrote obituaries. In 1939, Lee got a job as a gofer for $8 a week at Marvel predecessor Timely Comics. Two years later, for Kirby and Joe Simon’s Captain America No. 3, he wrote a two-page story titled “The Traitor’s Revenge!” that was used as text filler to qualify the company for the inexpensive magazine mailing rate. He used the pen name Stan Lee.”

“What Marvel Comics’ Stan Lee Thought About Death and the Afterlife” [E! News]. “‘I don’t fear death. I’m curious. I can’t imagine what it could be like, because I personally feel when you die, that’s the end. It’s the machine that the engine is off,’ Lee said on Hulu’s Larry King Now. ‘But how can there be nothing forever? You know what I mean? I can’t believe it.'”

“The ‘me’ illusion: How your brain conjures up your sense of self” [New Scientist]. “A mind is just an object that some brains can model, and so become aware of. Moreover, it is hard to establish whether this ability is associated with uniquely complex biological machinery.” • Hmm.

* * *

Readers, feel free to contact me at lambert [UNDERSCORE] strether [DOT] corrente [AT] yahoo [DOT] com, with (a) links, and even better (b) sources I should curate regularly, (c) how to send me a check if you are allergic to PayPal, and (d) to find out how to send me images of plants. Vegetables are fine! Fungi are deemed to be honorary plants! If you want your handle to appear as a credit, please place it at the start of your mail in parentheses: (thus). Otherwise, I will anonymize by using your initials. See the previous Water Cooler (with plant) here. Today’s plant (EM):

EM writes: “Calocybe carnea possibly but I’m not sure. There are some brownish ones but no pink.” Readers?

* * *

Readers: Water Cooler is a standalone entity not covered by the annual NC fundraiser, now completed. So do feel free to make a contribution today or any day. Here is why: Regular positive feedback both makes me feel good and lets me know I’m on the right track with coverage. When I get no donations for five or ten days I get worried. More tangibly, a constant trickle of small donations helps me with expenses, and I factor that trickle in when setting fundraising goals. So if you see something you especially appreciate, do feel free to click below! (The hat is temporarily defunct, so I slapped in some old code.)

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This entry was posted in Guest Post, Water Cooler on November 13, 2018 by Lambert Strether.

About Lambert Strether

Readers, I have had a correspondent characterize my views as realistic cynical. Let me briefly explain them. I believe in universal programs that provide concrete material benefits, especially to the working class. Medicare for All is the prime example, but tuition-free college and a Post Office Bank also fall under this heading. So do a Jobs Guarantee and a Debt Jubilee. Clearly, neither liberal Democrats nor conservative Republicans can deliver on such programs, because the two are different flavors of neoliberalism (“Because markets”). I don’t much care about the “ism” that delivers the benefits, although whichever one does have to put common humanity first, as opposed to markets. Could be a second FDR saving capitalism, democratic socialism leashing and collaring it, or communism razing it. I don’t much care, as long as the benefits are delivered. To me, the key issue — and this is why Medicare for All is always first with me — is the tens of thousands of excess “deaths from despair,” as described by the Case-Deaton study, and other recent studies. That enormous body count makes Medicare for All, at the very least, a moral and strategic imperative. And that level of suffering and organic damage makes the concerns of identity politics — even the worthy fight to help the refugees Bush, Obama, and Clinton’s wars created — bright shiny objects by comparison. Hence my frustration with the news flow — currently in my view the swirling intersection of two, separate Shock Doctrine campaigns, one by the Administration, and the other by out-of-power liberals and their allies in the State and in the press — a news flow that constantly forces me to focus on matters that I regard as of secondary importance to the excess deaths. What kind of political economy is it that halts or even reverses the increases in life expectancy that civilized societies have achieved? I am also very hopeful that the continuing destruction of both party establishments will open the space for voices supporting programs similar to those I have listed; let’s call such voices “the left.” Volatility creates opportunity, especially if the Democrat establishment, which puts markets first and opposes all such programs, isn’t allowed to get back into the saddle. Eyes on the prize! I love the tactical level, and secretly love even the horse race, since I’ve been blogging about it daily for fourteen years, but everything I write has this perspective at the back of it.

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Source: https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2018/11/200pm-water-cooler-11-13-2018.html

[cecillewhite]

Software Demo Success: How to Present Your LMS In Its Best Light

If you’re a learning systems vendor, this scenario should sound familiar. Your sales team recently crafted a strong proposal in response to an LMS RFP, and the buyer has given your company a thumbs up. Congratulations! However, a full-scale celebration will have to wait. That’s because you’ve been asked to compete with other vendors in a software demo “bake-off.”

This is when the rubber really hits the road. It’s one thing to write a proposal that talks conceptually about use cases, requirements and functionality. But walking through a live product tour can make or break your solution in the minds of prospective buyers.

So, what happens when your solution steps into that white-hot spotlight? How exactly does your software demo make your product shine?

Of course, there’s no guarantee that even the most stellar presentation will seal the deal. But after years as a software sales consultant, and now as an LMS selection advisor, I’ve learned how you can significantly improve your chances. Here are some of are my best suggestions…

9 Ways to Make a Great Impression with Every Software Demo You Deliver

1) Sweat the logistical details

Some factors are complex and beyond your control. Others are easy to implement and entirely within your reach, including these basics:

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Watch the clock – It’s your responsibility to manage every minute from start to finish. Structure the agenda with top-down logic and prepare for questions that could derail the discussion.

Begin (and end) with a bang – Why save all the good stuff for last? If you don’t hook your audience within the first few minutes, you could lose them entirely. Besides, you may run out of time. So instead of building to a big finale, lead with a “wow” moment. Introduce a central business issue and illustrate how your solution adds value. Then shift less important details downstream. Also, plan to conclude with a bit of flair. Even if time is tight, those closing comments can be just as powerful as a strong opening.

Keep it moving (literally) – You want your audience to feel energized, right? Try getting out of your chair and slowly walking around. You can even tag-team with a colleague, so someone is always roaming. For online demos, you can simulate this by periodically shifting from screen sharing mode to facial display when answering questions.

Check yourself – What if your mother were in the audience? Would she want to hear keys or loose change jingling in your pocket? Would she remind you to stand up straight and smile? Always maintain a positive attitude, even when challenged. Pace yourself and “never let them see you sweat.”

Use a cheat sheet – Even after 20+ years of delivering demos, I always create a script. I might wander off-track, but that’s when a script is even more critical. This quick reference tool helps me stay focused and reminds me which keystrokes fit each scenario.

2) Do your research

I know a rep who generated excitement with prospects with “intro demos” but he refused to prep with a sales consultant. He thought a brief pre-demo huddle in the prospect’s lobby was sufficient. Trust me, you’ll get better results when you plan ahead. For example:

Update discovery findings – One of the biggest mistakes you can make is assuming that research from the RFP phase is still accurate in the demo phase. To avoid surprises, contact the prospect in advance to review and refresh use cases. You’ll also want to confirm demo audience information, logistics and other details.

Involve and educate your team – This story explains what’s at stake. Recently, I witnessed the leading vendor in an LMS selection project rely on a remote Professional Services resource to outline implementation plans. But because this resource had very little knowledge of the prospect or the project, the presentation was very generic. In a matter of minutes, that vendor lost the bid.

3) Wrap your demo in a “theme”

SEE THE WINNERS NOW!

My go-to theme was the “1-click” software demo. This is about giving participants multiple reasons to think, “Wow. That was easy!” You can do this by emphasizing 1-click functionality throughout the session. For example, say “…in only 1 click, you can launch the content.” Or, “…just 1 click updates all the course records.”

You can further reinforce the point by encouraging participants to join your 1-click chorus. Just set-up a sentence and wait for them to fill-in the blank. For example, “…this means you can assign content to any group of users with only ____.”

They may not remember everything they see, but I promise you, they will remember the “1-click” demo.

4) Invest in demo data

Of all the factors that can damage a demo, weak data ranks at or near the top. Countless times, I’ve seen how data brings a solution to life. That’s why I developed an extensive demo database and became deeply familiar with every aspect of it, including:

Completeness – Have you ever run a report that produced zero records? Have you searched a catalog, only to find mismatched results? That should never happen in a demo. Every field, every tab, every report should be populated with appropriate data. And it’s your job to fill all the gaps.

Relevance – When you’re presenting a software demo to a healthcare company, imagine how compelling it is to display industry-specific data. This is where relationships with content providers can give you an edge. They’re usually happy to share data with you in exchange for a shout-out during a demo. At the same time, prospects will view your product as more than just a learning platform. It’s a solution!

First-hand knowledge – Remember the demo “cheat sheet” I mentioned earlier? You can include dozens of key feature examples. If a prospect asks to see something specific, this helps you find it quickly and easily. Want to see the waitlist for an instructor-led training event? Found in 1 click! How about coupon code creation tools? Again, just 1 click away!

5) Setup–Show–Recap (SSR)

Have you ever seen a software demo that seems more like a giant run-on sentence? It’s hard to know if the presenter even bothered to take a breath!

While the “setup–show–recap” method requires more effort than the “spray and pray” approach, prospects should recognize that you’ve mapped their pain points to relevant use cases. Here’s how to make it work:

SEE THE WINNERS NOW!

Setup – Depending on your audience and logistics, you can use PowerPoint slides, a whiteboard or flip chart to present a preview. This introduction is important because it lets the audience know what to expect and gives you an opportunity to verify the use case.

Show – If you deconstruct the demo into bite-sized scenario “nuggets,” your audience is less likely to become overwhelmed. Think of teaching teenagers how to drive. If you cover 3-point turns, parallel parking, backing up and changing a tire all in one session, don’t expect them to remember anything. Instead, focus on one scenario at a time.

Recap – After participating in multiple demos with a series of vendors, your audience won’t remember many specifics. However, they will remember which vendors “get it.” And what presenter doesn’t like to see smiles and nodding heads in the audience? So why wait until the end of your demo to recap? Instead, summarize each scenario, so you see smiles and nods throughout your session – not just at the end.

6) Shift your emphasis

The demo isn’t about the product. It’s about what the product can do for your prospect. This can be particularly challenging, especially for product managers and other non-sales professionals, or for presenters with a service or training background. Remember these points:

“Sell. Don’t tell” – This is not the time to discuss every button, tab and menu in your system. Dwelling on your features checklist usually leaves prospects bored and frustrated.

Put “you” before “me” – As a potential client, which sentence would draw you into a software demo? “I’ll run the compliance report now,” or “Here’s how you can run the compliance report.” With “you” as the subject, the demo stays focused on audience interests. It also engages prospects and helps them take ownership of the solution.

7) Tap into your whole team

Let me clarify a common misunderstanding. The term “software demo” does not mean, “It’s time for account executives to check email messages.”

All too often, reps briefly introduce the company, the product and the sales consultant. Then they check-out mentally until the Q&A. This causes multiple issues:

Your audience can get tired of hearing one person throughout the demo

They may wonder if the system is too difficult for anyone other than an expert to use

They may wonder if a disjointed demo effort reflects your organization’s broader culture

While multitasking, your rep may miss key comments and questions.

Bottom line: Reps and solutions consultants should work together to prepare and deliver every software demo as a coordinated team.

8) Keep it simple

Your audience will include people of various ages, experience levels and interests. So, think about how you’ll appeal to a common denominator. For example:

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Use acronyms wisely – LRS, LXP, B2B, CRM – our industry is brimming with alphabet soup. But these terms aren’t universally understood. When you introduce an acronym, briefly define it.

Speak in simple terms – Words like “bifurcate”, “ubiquitous” or “juxtaposition” may seem impressive. But unusual terms can distract, confuse and frustrate your audience. Why run that risk?

Trim your clicks – Do you have too many “screen kung fu” moves? That’s what one of my industry colleagues calls demos with an overabundance of clicks and screens. Instead, showcase your knowledge of a use case by performing each action in the fastest and simplest way.

Command your time – You’ll be tempted to rush when adrenaline is pumping and you need to cram 30 more minutes of material into the remaining 10-minutes of a demo. Here’s a better approach. Ask audience members how they prefer to use the remaining time. Then offer to cover additional items in a live or recorded follow-up session.

9) Stand out from the crowd

Wondering why I’ve listed 9 tips instead of 10? It’s a small way to differentiate this post from standard “top 10” lists. You can do the same thing to make a software demo more memorable. For example:

Respond to questions as they arise throughout the session – This is a great way to involve your team and make the demo experience more dynamic. If you don’t have a real-time answer, ask your sales rep to text or email others for clarification, so you can respond before the demo ends. Prospects will appreciate your resourcefulness and responsiveness.

Include external voices in the conversation – Adding third-party participants can be a highly persuasive tactic. For example, if you know that a prospect is very concerned about implementation services, invite a client to speak during the demo about your ability to deliver on time, on spec and on budget.

Follow up – Obviously, if you promise to follow-up on a specific question or issue, it’s essential to close that loop. But if you really want to leave a strong impression, try this:  Record a 5-15-minute summary of demo highlights and discussion points. Then add a brief video introduction and a thank you. It’s a memorable way to address remaining demo gaps and reinforce your value proposition.

Closing Notes

Some of these software demo ideas are easy to implement. Others require research, practice and determination. They may even require some outside help.

But after years of experience, I know that many of these practices are overlooked by a surprising number of LMS vendors. That means, with a bit of extra effort, you can separate yourself from the competition and improve your chances of landing new business.

I’ll explore more ideas in future posts. In the meantime, if you’d like more detailed advice about how our LMS vendor services can help you sharpen your demo script, strengthen your demo database or improve your win rate, feel free to contact us anytime!

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[andreagillmer]

Discovery at Abitibi Project 'Indicative of Tier 1 Potential'

Source: Streetwise Reports   07/28/2019

A description of this minerals firm's findings and their implication are provided in a Haywood report.

In a July 23 research note, Haywood analyst Mick Carew reported that Osisko Mining Inc. (OSK:TSX) hit upon what it is calling Triple Lynx, four zones of gold mineralization between the Triple 8 discovery and the main Lynx corridor at its Windfall Lake project.

Carew depicted Osisko's discovery. The new zones, he wrote, occur in a mineralized corridor at a depth of 650–980 meters (650–980m) below the main Lynx deposit. They continue downplunge beyond the scope of current drilling at the project.

Highlight drill hole OSK-W-17-1272 returned 12.1m grading 47.8 grams per ton (47.8 g/t) gold from a downhole depth of 858.4m, including 6.7m grading 63.5 g/t gold.

The gold mineralization encountered at Triple Lynx is characteristically similar to that of the upper Lynx deposit, according to Osisko. Both Triple 8 and Triple Lynx, which remain open in all directions, require further drilling to determine the relationship, if any, between them.

Osisko, Carew relayed, after hitting these new zones of mineralization, decided to add another 200,000m to its drill program at Windfall, taking it to 1,000,000m.

Carew concluded that "today's results provide further support of our assumptions on the expansion potential of Windfall at depth. We await the results from further drilling."

Haywood has a Buy rating and a CA$4.50 per share target price on Osisko Mining, whose stock is currently trading at around CA$3.67 per share.

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Disclosure: 1) Doresa Banning compiled this article for Streetwise Reports LLC and provides services to Streetwise Reports as an independent contractor. She or members of her household own securities of the following companies mentioned in the article: None. She or members of her household are paid by the following companies mentioned in this article: None. 2) The following companies mentioned in this article are billboard sponsors of Streetwise Reports: None. Click here for important disclosures about sponsor fees. 3) Comments and opinions expressed are those of the specific experts and not of Streetwise Reports or its officers. The information provided above is for informational purposes only and is not a recommendation to buy or sell any security. 4) The article does not constitute investment advice. Each reader is encouraged to consult with his or her individual financial professional and any action a reader takes as a result of information presented here is his or her own responsibility. By opening this page, each reader accepts and agrees to Streetwise Reports' terms of use and full legal disclaimer. This article is not a solicitation for investment. Streetwise Reports does not render general or specific investment advice and the information on Streetwise Reports should not be considered a recommendation to buy or sell any security. Streetwise Reports does not endorse or recommend the business, products, services or securities of any company mentioned on Streetwise Reports. 5) From time to time, Streetwise Reports LLC and its directors, officers, employees or members of their families, as well as persons interviewed for articles and interviews on the site, may have a long or short position in securities mentioned. Directors, officers, employees or members of their immediate families are prohibited from making purchases and/or sales of those securities in the open market or otherwise from the time of the interview or the decision to write an article until three business days after the publication of the interview or article. The foregoing prohibition does not apply to articles that in substance only restate previously published company releases.

Disclosures from Haywood Securities, Osisko Mining Inc., Radar Flash, July 23, 2019

Analyst Certification: I, Mick Carew, hereby certify that the views expressed in this report (which includes the rating assigned to the issuer’s shares as well as the analytical substance and tone of the report) accurately reflect my/our personal views about the subject securities and the issuer. No part of my/our compensation was, is, or will be directly or indirectly related to the specific recommendations.

Important Disclosures Of the companies included in the report the following Important Disclosures apply: ▪The Analyst(s) preparing this report (or a member of the Analysts' households) have a financial interest in Marathon Gold Corp. (MOZ-T), Pure Gold Mining Inc. (PGM-V). ▪ As of the end of the month immediately preceding this publication either Haywood Securities, Inc., one of its subsidiaries, its officers or directors beneficially owned 1% or more of Pure Gold Mining Inc. (PGM-V). ▪ Haywood Securities, Inc. has reviewed lead projects of Osisko Mining Corp. (OSK-T), Marathon Gold Corp. (MOZ-T), Pure Gold Mining Inc. (PGM-V), Treasury Metals Inc. (TML-T) and a portion of the expenses for this travel have been reimbursed by the issuer. ▪ Haywood Securities Inc. or an Affiliate has managed or co-managed or participated as selling group in a public offering of securities for Osisko Mining Corp. (OSK-T), Pure Gold Mining Inc. (PGM-V), in the past 12 months. Other material conflict of interest of the research analyst of which the research analyst or Haywood Securities Inc. knows or has reason to know at the time of publication or at the time of public appearance: n/a.

Research policy is available here.

( Companies Mentioned: OSK:TSX, )

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