#it would've been a lie to say 'oh he didn't experience any traumas'

[rrhapsodyyy2]

The death of Nex & queer people like him scares me.

It scares me because that could've been me.

It scares me because that could've been my friends.

And it scares me even more knowing that if I knew him, we probably could've been friends.

He deserved to live.

He deserved to live to 17.

He deserved to graduate high school.

He deserved to grow up and accomplish things.

And now that he's gone, he deserves to have the full truth told about his death.

[secret-smut-sideblog]

The Mockingbird

Lavellan x Blackwall

PG-13 - morning after contraception, betrayal, (medical) shock, terror, animal abuse, child death, violence, out of body experience, eye trauma, seizure, catatonic state, loss of vision

Chasing after the trail of her runaway love, Vella is forced to see his crimes firsthand...

Masterlist, Prev Chapter

-

Vella trotted down to the gardens. Head swimming with anxiety.

She didn't have time for this, but it wasn't optional.

"Ah, there you are." Morrigan appraised her.

"I'm sorry, we can't have a full chat yet. I need a favor."

"Oh?"

"Could you make me a witherstalk potion? Quickly?"

"I could..." She tilted her head at Vella. "But, you're bedding the Grey Warden...?"

Vella stared at her. Lost to the question.

"Did he... insinuate that you needed it?"

"Yes, why? Wait, what am I missing?"

"A Warden of his years shouldn't be able to sire children. I can still make that potion, if it gives you peace of mind."

"Yes, please." Vella sighed. "Maybe it's silly, but..."

"Oh, I understand. Does one no good to take chances." Morrigan beckoned her forward.

-

"This Mornay, any of us know him? Or of him?" Bull offered.

"Nah, but Beardy clearly does. Hope he's alright."

"Sera, you get softer by the day." Dorian praised. "But I have heard of Rainier. Mean figure he's alleged to cut, that one."

"Wait, so have I." Vella recalled, nearly pausing the fast clip of her stride. The chatter of Val Royeaux echoed in front of them. "A note, what feels like forever ago, in the Exalted Plains. He was a captain, if I recall correctly?"

"Orlesian army, yes. Let's hope he's not involved."

They moved into the crowd at the gallows. Vella searched but saw no sign of him in those gathered.

Anxiety hot in her belly. Unable to stop thinking of his note.

There is little I can say that will ease this pain. Just know that while it hurt to leave, it would've hurt more if I stayed. I will always love you, dove. I am deeply sorry.

As the bailiff read off the crimes and punishment, Vella stared at the man with a noose laced around his throat. The fight completely gone from him. Accepting his fate with a mournful stare. Not even giving last words, lost to the certainty of death.

Vella sucked in a breath, preparing to watch a man die.

"Stop!"

Blackwall stormed on the gallows, commanding in his thundering voice. Proclaiming the man's innocence, challenging the conviction.

"Oh, what have you gotten yourself into, big man?" Bull sighed.

Vella stared up at him. Fear tight in her gut.

"Then find me the man who gave the order." The bailiff stepped forward, staring him down.

Blackwall's silence fell like freezing rain as he turned to the crowd.

"No..." Vella breathed as her stomach dropped through the earth. "Blackwall!"

His eyes found hers. Shock, fear, then cold conviction. All warmth lost.

"No, I am not Blackwall. I never was Blackwall."

Her ears rang with fast blood.

And still he confessed. That he had ordered the massacre. That he had been hiding behind a dead man's likeness. That he had been living a lie.

"I gave the order. The crime is mine. I am Thom Rainier."

Her blood ran ice.

His eyes stayed steady on her, even as the executioner and bailiff drew forward. Only breaking from her stare as he stalked away towards the prison.

Vella nearly fell to knees.

The world slid away beneath her.

A landslide ripped it all from under her feet.

"Vella...?" Dorian's eyes took up her shaky vision.

"I don't..." She breathed. Raising her hand to stare at the tremoring limb. The cold of shock left her mind sluggish. "I..."

"Bull?"

"Here, boss. Lean on me."

His large hand took up behind her shoulder, sliding her close. Vella turned her face into him, trembling uncontrolled. Letting his arms envelop her for a warm moment. Pulling away a little less delirious.

"I need to see him." She shuddered.

"Let's go, then." Sera nodded. Her voice thick behind the knot in her throat. "You better give whatever-his-name-is a piece of your mind. Shit ass."

-

Vella descended down the stairs. Her footstep silent, wearing the boots he made her.

How?

Passing cages of iron. Reality bending around her. The question circling her like a hungry hound.

How?

After all this time. He was one of them.

How?

The home of him had flooded. A place she felt such warmth she now drowned in cold waters.

When she saw him slouched in a cell, she froze. He stayed doubled over on his forearms. Refusing her.

They stood on a razor edged silence.

"I don't understand." Her heart rabbited against her chest. "I can't..."

He kept his eyes to the ground.

She came to kneel at the bars, searching his face. Searching for him.

There must be something.

"Please, get up." He growled.

Her eyes stayed on him. Seeking a change. Anything. Anything to prove that he was a different man. Desperate to separate the man she knew from the one sat before her.

"It can't be true. I would've seen it. I would've..."

Shock filled her limbs again.

Memory flooded her. All of his evasion. All of the vague responses.

It was right there. He was her blindspot.

How could she be blind to him?

"It is." His eyes finally met hers. Glaring ice into her. Standing and charging towards the bars. Shouting with the full of his chest. "This is what I am! You aren't supposed to be here! Leave!"

She backpedaled from the bars. Falling back onto her palm. An angry man bearing down on her again.

An old fear woven inside of her shock.

No, not shock.

A hand made of lightning grasped the base of her skull. Forcing her eyes wide open. Risen high onto knees.

A song of Mockingbird. A dog strung up by the throat. A mother's arm shielding. The slam of an axe into wood. The scream of a dog. The scream of a child. Her own scream, far away. Far under her.

Her voice begging. A father begging. Begging for them to stop. For it to stop. His hand reaches for a blade. Her hand. Someone shouts for her. For them to run. Seeing her hand underneath her. Don't they understand? The dog won't stop kicking. The child begs to not see.

Her hand fights her as it lifts the blade. The father's blade is kicked away. And still the child screams. Horses panicked. Trying to break loose. She forces her hand up. Eyes wide open but not seeing the blade. Someone is shouting again. Someone so familiar. It won't stop.

"Please, make it stop." She breathes. Blood trickles from her nose. Blood dark on the snow. Blood scratched into fence. A deep sting scratches under her eye.

"Vella, NO!"

Someone grabs her wrist. Knocking the blade from her hand. Chestnut eyes fill her vision.

Her mind comes to it's boiling point. Fever sends her eyes up into her skull. Feeling the first tremors wracking her body as it all goes dark.

-

"She was trying to blind herself."

Cullen's shaken voice.

She spins inside her body. A hand presses a cool rag to her forehead.

"You did well to arrive when you did." Solas' calm voice.

"Please, don't leave her alone." Cullen urged. His hand comes to her chest. Pressing a warm palm. "She... she helped me. When I was weak. I can't... I'll kill him, I swear..."

"We shall tend her." Morrigan's voice reassures.

Cullen's warm palm stays. She reaches for it. A tether. It pulls away again.

"Where are you?" Solas whispers in her ear.

"Apostate, keep reaching for her. She may find her way back."

A cool hand cups her cheek. She tries to focus. Forcing the touch to a narrow point. A rope she follows.

"Yes." Solas speaks in her tongue. "You are right here. Can you find me?"

She follows it up. Filling into her limbs again.

Her hand reaches out for him. Meeting the curve of his fingers. Her eyes slowly focus.

"Lethallin...?" She croaked. Solas' eyes creased with a smile.

"Welcome back."

She blinked at the low candlelight. Vision obstructed over an eye.

"What...?" She rose on an elbow. Gingerly touching the bandage.

"Gentle. You gave yourself a deep gouge." Solas led her fingers away.

"Quite a scare you've given." Morrigan sat on her opposite bedside.

"Yes. We were all concerned. You had been lost all night." Solas cupped her hand in her lap.

"Blackwall!" She gasped, sitting up sharply. Immediately dizzy.

"Careful. Rainier is safe." Solas assured.

"Rainier..." Her heart deflated in her chest. "Oh..."

"Josephine has sent for him. You were calling for him in your sleep, well, for Blackwall. Bear. He's being transferred to the Skyhold cells."

Awful memory returned to her. A throb of numb in her chest. Rising her palm to it.

And, just like that, she was empty.

Din. One who isn't.

All empty.

All shattered.

Cutting into her with every breath.

No tears came. No screaming or wailing or begging. Just the dull throb of utter absence.

"I will tell the others you've woken." Solas patted her hand and retreated from the room.

She sat silent for a long moment.

"Morrigan?"

"Yes?"

"Could you help me?"

Morrigan leaned her head inquisitive. Waving for her to continue.

"I don't want to see anymore. Is there a way to blind me?"

Morrigan turned fully on the bed toward her.

"Literally? Yes, that is very easy done. But I imagine you mean your sight beyond?"

She nodded.

"I've had enough. I don't want to see again. I can't do it anymore."

Morrigan went quiet in front of her. Folding her arms in thought.

"Well, we may not need Dirthamen's gift after all. I have something that will give us another advantage."

Din looked up.

"You may have had the right instinct. If your physical eyes are blinded..."

Morrigan stood and started to pace.

"Yes... it could force it to compensate. Keep it busy. If the whole world is a secret, that would hold priority."

Turning to her to stare determined.

"You wouldn't see, not like now. But it could release you."

Her chest filled with tender hope.

"Do it."

"Let me prepare. I'll consult some texts."

-

"Vella?"

She glanced down at him.

"That isn't my name."

"Ah." Solas smiled sadly. Climbing up the ladder.

They seemed truly determined not to leave her alone. Cullen walked with her the last few nights. Letting her lean on him as she eventually got wobbly. Shrouding her in his cloak. Sometimes, he took her hand. His warm and calloused. Giving a soft squeeze. Speaking sweetly as she spiraled.

"Then what shall I call you?" He offered, sitting next to her on the scaffolding. Both stared at the circle of his fresco.

"Lethallan is nice." She handed him a cup of lemon and cayenne honey.

"Ah, thank you." He sipped at the cup, eyes closing for a moment. "That's lovely. What is it?"

"Something I used to make when I was ill." She circled her fingers over the rim. "Small comforts, you know?"

She marveled at the murals

"But this is all so beautiful. You have a vision."

"You're too kind. They're about you."

She stared at him. Heart raw.

"Show me."

So he did. Pointing from mural to mural. Each a moment of her journey. Each a turning point. Explaining the significance of the choices.

"Wouldn't it have been easier to write it down?" She raised an eyebrow with a sly smile, then let it fall. It felt wrong to play. Cupping the mug in her hands.

"You take me for a scribe?" His voice picked up a rare tease. Despite herself, she smiled again.

"Just another way to spread knowledge. But it is much less breathtaking." She leaned her head back, closing her weary eyes.

She could feel his eyes on her.

"You've stopped singing."

Her eyes opened.

"What?"

"I hear you. At night. Why have you stopped?"

"I just..." Her heart dully ached, but still no tears came. "I think something is broken in me. I can't find the joy again."

He studied her quietly.

"Your vhenan, Rainier..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

They both sat in the inflamed wound. All tender edges. Weeping blood with the beat of her heart.

Solas leaned forward, urging her eyes back to him.

"You helped me. When I needed to find peace for my elgar falon. You've been..." He closed his eyes.

"You're unexpected. Wisdom, curiosity, beauty. You've had every chance to shut the world out. Please don't take that path. Stay open."

She shook her head.

"I want to. I do. But I don't know how to stay soft anymore."

He took a deep breath out. Resolving something.

"Let me help you."

Her eyes met his.

"Then Morrigan is right?"

He nodded.

"But you must meet me in the Fade first. Dream, Lethallan. I will follow."

"I can't."

"I will lead you."

She laid back on the scaffolding, resting her hands on her belly. Solas laid parallel to her.

Her body fell fast. Sleep enveloped her as a plunge into the sea.

"Solas?"

She looked around a great forest. An awe near fear sharp in her chest.

"I'm here." He cupped her forearm gently. "Forgive me, I forgot dreaming is foreign to you."

"It's so... it's breathtaking." Her eyes met his again. "Is this what it's always like?"

"Not for most. But my traveling is like this, yes."

He led her by the curve of her fingers to sit on a stone near the water.

"And perhaps, yours shall be too."

She looked up at him. Surprise heavy in her heart. Hope a poison she held in her mouth, ready to swallow.

"If your tie to Dirthamen is weakened, it may let you sleep like this. To dream. But yours is a heavy gift to discard."

His eyes searched hers. Seeking confirmation. Permission.

She held his hand in hers.

"I'm sure. This is what I want. I want to have my own mind. I want to be free."

He stared down at their joined hands for a moment. Rubbing her thumb experimentally with his.

"If that is the case, I must tell you something."

He turned her hand to stare at her palm, running a soft fingertip over the lines.

"The vallasin. I have journeyed far enough to discover what it truly means. They are slave markings. From the time of ancient Arlathan. When the Pantheon ruled elves."

"So my people were wrong." She nodded. Saddened, but not surprised. "Our history is so muddled, I could see it being mistranslated over time."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Thank you. For telling me." She sighed.

"If you like, I know a spell... I can remove the vallasin with your sight."

She lifted her hand to gently touch her face. Giving the ink a tender moment.

"This tattoo has kept me safe. It was subterfuge. A mask. But, I will no longer need it, will I?"

Solas rubbed her thumb, a silent assurance.

"Do it. It has served me well. I will discard it fondly."

He smiled, raising his hands to cradle the air around her face.

"Close your eyes."

"Wait."

She looked around the misty grove. Drinking in the full of the scenery.

"I'm grateful it was a beautiful dream. The last thing I saw. Thank you for bringing me here."

He paused, staring at her with soft eyes.

"Okay, I'm ready." She let her eyes fall closed again.

"You will feel some discomfort, but no pain. I couldn't let Morrigan butcher you. To send you to the dark that way."

She smiled with her eyes closed.

"She was just going to pour some acid in my eyes, wasn't she?"

"You're not far off. Now hush."

She smiled wide.

His hands were warm and tingled along her face, a light visible beyond her lids.

"It tickles!" She stifled her giggle.

He laughed.

"You are a strange, wonderful thing."

"Was that the vallasin?"

"Yes, keep your eyes closed, sulahn."

His palms settled on her temples.

"Song. I like that." She sighed in Elvhen.

"I hope you find a new name." He whispered.

His palms lifted slowly, and she could feel something pull behind her eyes. Squeezing her shut eyes to not squirm.

Then she felt it. A gentle pop. Something separating. Flashes of light filled her vision.

She opened her eyes as a curtain of dark fell. Gasping as it all fell to void. Eyes wide but seeing only velvet dark.

"Now... what do you see?"

She concentrated, feeling for sight deep inside her.

Just as she was about to give up, something bloomed. Gasping out as the world filled around her.

A circle of sight extended around her, definition of shapes like fine shifting sand. Color was gone, the world only shades of light and dark. Vision sliding along the physical as wind.

She reached for the stone beneath her, entranced by the sight of her own hand. The same thin particles dancing around her skin.

"Solas, it's..." She lifted her eyes.

"Oh..."

His body was ringed in many ribbons of soft blue light. Moving in languid circled rivers. Eyes glowing in it.

"Oh, Solas..." She marveled. Lifting her hand to gently twist her fingers in it.

He shuddered, pulling her wrist down.

"I'm sorry." She breathed.

"You're forgiven." He smiled. His face spectral in the shifting dark. "How do you feel?"

She closed her eyes. The vision slowly faded. Only imprints left. Then she opened them again. It refilled as gentle as before.

Her head was quiet. Tears bubbled on her waterline. Cupping a hand over her mouth.

"It's quiet. Oh Gods, it's so quiet. I've never felt peace like this."

She saught his eyes again. "And I can sleep? I can dream?"

"Yes." The soft triumph in his voice filled her heart.

"I've never done it before. I might need a guide."

His smile ached her heart. Cupping her hands in his again.

"I will find you. But now you must wake."

-

Din kneeled in the garden, focusing on a rose bush. Smiling at the way the particles danced around it. All shapes were made of silt caught in the flow of her river. The intricate layer of petals entranced her.

She wasn't used to the passage of time quite yet, but knew it was night. A new set of conditions she had to live by, ones she was eager to learn.

"Vella? Oh, sorry... I guess I don't know what to call you." Josephine called out sheepishly.

"Sera has too many offers, but Solas came up with Sulahn." She offered brightly.

"Hmm, that is pretty." Josie smiled.

If she focused, she could see the color of her. A warm orange that glowed deep at the crest of her ribs, under her heart. A sunset.

The color was much more potent around mages. Though, not as much as Solas'. She had already dipped her fingers into Dorian's deep crimson river. A sensation he found delightfully tantalizing.

"You seem so much better." Josephine sighed contented. Kneeling with her for a moment. "And no tattoo! But I'm sorry it had to be like..." She gestured to her blindfold. "This."

"You can see me, right?" Josephine held up her hand flat.

Din pressed her palm to hers.

"Yes, I can."

"That's remarkable."

She let out a deep sigh. "Blackwa- Rainier will be here by morning."

Josephine took her hand gently in hers.

"Do you think you're ready? To see him?"

"With new eyes..." She sighed. "I think so."

"I'm so sorry. I know his lie has been devastating."

"It still doesn't feel real. I still haven't cried." She pressed her palm to her heart, if only to confirm its beat. "Gods, it seemed like I couldn't stop crying before. Now I'm just..."

"Numb?" Josephine offered sadly.

"Yeah. So much of myself was braided into him. Having him severed... I don't know who I am here. I feel like I have to start over. I'm exhausted. I dont want to start over."

Tears finally started to pool in her eyes.

"Oh... there they are." She smiled. Wiping gently with the side of her thumb under the mask. Staring down at the shades of her hand. The light fluid slipped down her thumb.

"Are they..." She looked up at Josephine.

"Still silver. Sorry."

"It's okay. I've gained more than enough."

"You will have to sit in his judgment." Josephine sighed, taking her hands again. "Do you know what you'll say?"

She shook her head.

"Could you do something for me?" She hushed.

"Of course." Josephine smiled.

Din pulled off her blindfold.

"Could you tell me what you see?"

She opened her eyes. Staring at the beautiful shift of her face.

Josephine studied the whole of her face with parted lips, her sweet eyes centered back on hers.

"Well, that cut is going to scar, but your eyes are surprisingly beautiful. Like clouds caught behind your pupil. The color is gone, though. In your iris. But it's almost like moonstone. Melding with the white."

She leaned toward her. Voice falling to hush as she spoke.

"And I feel like I can see you now, without the tattoo. You have perfect freckles. Sun-kissed cheeks. Your lips are so..."

Her mouth slid into hers. So softly kissing into her. Just as Din started to lean in, she pulled away.

"Andraste's Mercy, I am so sorry!"

"I'm not." She breathed, pulling her back. Josie whimpered into her hungry kiss. Rising onto knees with her. Din's hand cupped under her ear. Breathing hard through the part of their lips.

"Thank you." She whispered when she pulled away. Josie's pupils were full blown, staring at her with sweet doe eyes. "I needed that. Maybe I'm not empty, after all."

"Happy to help." Josephine breathed.

She pressed a hand to Josephine's glow.

"It's orange. Your light. Marigold."

Josephine looked up at her. Letting out a dreamy sigh.

"I see why you have all the men in camp following like puppies. Mercy..."

"Ha, but I haven't kissed any of them yet. Maybe I'll start with Cullen."

"Don't." Josie laughed, pulling her to stand. Leading her hand over a bent arm. "That man is too sweet to not fall sword first."

"All you knights and ladies..." She laughed. "Nobody has fun, do they?"

"Absolutely not." Josephine patted her hand. "But we try."

~

Next Chapter

[prisonhannibal]

I don't want to say too much publicly because I still feel stupid/it still hurts but Re: your post about True Crime.

True Crime messed me up, I was held for questioning for 10+ hours and screamed at and they demanded a lie detector test. I didn't ask for an attorney or eat/drink while questioned because a) didn't want to seem guilty and b) the one thing on my mind was "oh my god they want my fingerprints and DNA and it's going to be all over the apartment including the kitchen knives and the guns" (my friend was killed and he was a hunter/skeet shooter and took me skeet shooting to get over my fear of gunshots)

True Crime taught me nothing good and I just cried and didn't submit to a lie detector because I kept thinking I'd fail it from how panicky I was. I was hyperventilating, the test would've seen me as a liar because my heart was a mile a minute and the photos they showed me just made me shut down. I was in denial and panicky not guilty!

They wasted so much time blaming another friend of his and myself that the true culprit was able to hide/burn evidence.

I honestly pray his case remains sealed forever because the thought of a bunch of True Crime fans secretly thinking I did it based on that 10+ hour session of emotional torture makes me sick.

Hi, I'm sorry for taking longer to get to this than I would like. I've been trying to think of a way to reply to this in the way it and you deserve. You shouldn't feel stupid for this, this is horrific and I can't imagine what you've been through or how painful and traumatic that is.

I don't know the laws where you are, but a lot of that seems like if it's legal it shouldn't be. It's definitely unethical. I'm so so sorry for your loss and I'm so so sorry that you weren't even allowed to grieve that loss properly before being put through that. I hope that the case remains sealed, and I hope your friend got the justice he and his loved ones deserve. It's nowhere near the same thing, but having been even near a case (I wasn't involved personally, and this case isn't public) kinda changes your perspective on stuff like that being public and used for entertainment tbh. Especially with how people don't treat the cases with respect and act like even being brought up in relation to the case mean they have free range to dig into peoples personal lives and publicly speculate on this shit.

Thank you for sharing, I wish for you to get the healing you need and deserve, and I don't know when this happened, but I hope you either are or have gotten help and support for your trauma and the loss. If not, I hope you'll be able to. I'll be thinking about you.

I don't know if this response is enough, tbh. what I wanna get across is just that you didn't deserve any of that and that it's fucked up and that I'm sorry you had to experience that.

please dont reblog this