#it took me forever to write this stupid post bc i kept getting distracted by twitter

[abysslain]

HAWKE & ANDERS. DON’T REBLOG.

Hawke’s relationship with Anders was an interesting one. Almost from the very start he took a great liking to him, they got along extremely well --- almost like they’d known one another their whole lives. It was likely due to both of them not only being mages, but spirit healers as well, a daring and difficult specialization that requires a strong heart, a strong mind, and a strong desire to help others.

Not to mention, Hawke was always, always very loudly pro-mage to the point it made his family fear for him and attempt to quiet his very loud mouth. He never hid his distaste for Templars, even if he was forced to play nice with them during his time in Kirkwall. It was a wonder that he didn’t get forced from his estate and tossed into the Circle. So he was always in support of Anders’ own feelings regarding Templars, the Circle of Magi, and the overall plight of mages in Thedas.

He viewed Anders as one of his closest companions ( the other two being Varric and Fenris, because fuck BW for what they did with Fenris’ development, it’s my city now ), to the point where he even offered that the other mage could live with him if he wanted to ( regardless of whether their relationship was romantic or platonic ). Because he cared about him, and wanted him to be safe, and Hawke had enough influence to keep the Templars off of Anders’ back. To the point where he opened up about his own trauma, his own emotions he kept bottled up, all of the pain that clawed at his heart and mind; as everything grew more intense over a decade, as his emotions became harder to control and hide away.

So with tensions threatening to burst between the Templars and the mages that was fueled by the Knight-Commander’s abuse of power, Anders’ behavior growing more unpredictable, secretive, the amount of stress and pressure on every person in Kirkwall caused a slight rift in their companionship. At least one that was big enough that Anders didn’t tell Hawke the truth about his plans.

And when it happened, when he looked upon that mighty explosion that lit up the sky with red, he was filled with shock, with rage, with hurt. He felt lied to, used, betrayed. What did those last few years mean, then? Hawke had to wonder if at the end, Anders only saw him as a tool, his mind too clouded by Justice’s judgment while Compassion desperately reached out to Anders to soothe and understand, only for Hawke to lock it away from someone he cared so much for.

But he allowed Anders to live, he allowed Anders to remain and fight so long as he agreed to leave if he did not die in the battle.

His anger was less about what Anders did --- because he understood why such a drastic measure was taken, he knew peace was getting them nowhere --- and more that he was lied to. That this secret was kept from him. That Anders never told him what he was planning while also having him help with his plans. In fact, he may have even still willingly helped if he knew. Here’s banter I wrote for a meme on my old blog last year:

Some time after the main events of Inquisition, before Trespasser.

Hawke: It takes a lot of bravery to show your face after what you did. Anders: I have no reason to be ashamed. My only regret is having lied to you. Hawke: No need to start waxing poetic about how oh-so terrible you feel about manipulating me. Anders: I knew if I told the truth, you wouldn’t help me. Hawke: Wouldn’t I?

Even despite his anger, he still cared. If he didn’t care so much, he wouldn’t have gotten as angry as he did. After the battle, after Hawke and his companions scattered throughout Thedas to throw any opposing forces off of their trail, he lost any contact with Anders and figured it was for the best. He was still angry, and knew that anger would take a long time to fade-- if it ever did, of course.

Meeting him again would be difficult, but he knows it will happen sooner or later.

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Can’t fall asleep right now...too much thoughts racing in my head. Just want us to be okay. Just want everything to be okay. We need things btw us okay because we have so many challenges we have to get through and I want the little things in our life to be okay so I feel confident we can make it through.  I mean its been tough jaan....right now i do feel like i don't know how our day will end ...it could end good or it could end bad...and its so frustrating to me. I don't want to be difficult. I don't want to come off needy. I want us to be happily ever after but I know my expectation are unrealistic at times. I don't know why we fight so much...maybe it comes from tiredness and we take it out on each other or maybe were not thinking correctly. Just want us to be okay to get through this together.  

I can feel it these days that you are slowly just giving up on me and I feel like you don't care about me as much and you mention it..which basically scares me into thinking that things may not work out btw us as we dreamed and hoped. And it scares me a lot jaan. I don't want us to distance and our feelings to die apart. Truth is my feelings for you would never die even if we don't end up together.  I would love you still a lot and it will bother me for rest of my life why it couldn't be. 

Anways I had to restart my post because I couldn't pick up from the last one. My week has been busy/ mediocre at work. Work this whole week consisted of 

Rounding in 10 Patients with 4 different attendings. writing notes for all patient, updating census, taking consults , updating attendings, covering OR cases, working in clinic, dealing with 20 + students texting me about coming to visit program, figuring out which student to take, and alway back in my mind wishing so badly I could be with you at Disney World. 

Work was a good distraction bc I was forcing myself not to think about who much I was missing you and keeping my mind busy and not thinking what you were doing every 5 min.  I was missing you so much and kept checking my phone and stopping myself from bugging you and letting you enjoy. But trust me I wanted to be next to you so badly and I wish I was.  And in my head just couldn’t wait for our days to go there together. 

I did try to socialize more and became little chatty here and there with people but being on floors I still had to finish work bc noone else was gonna do it for me. Just wanted to get everything I needed to get done before I left.  I hate staying past 5.  I was thankful that my coresident C was helping me out here and there.  This whole month attendings took lot of my time rounding...bc they spend hours with patient and it drove me nuts...and I had needy ass patient.  You think I am needy!!? ...this one lady just keeps on talking and had panic attack in front of me and I was like calm down...I don't have time for this. Literally spend 45 min calming her down. 

And then I had another attending who is so clueless and doesn’t know what he’s doing and is taking his freaken patient 4th time to the OR again!  It’s ridiculous and he hogs me forever ....not sure why but people have this going joke that he’s your boyfriend. -.- So very annoyed with him bc I’m trying to get rid of his patient so I can be done with him but his patient is getting sicker and sicker. 

And then students have been messaging me right and left about visiting.  Feel bad leading them on bc they all think we like them, but the truth is we can’t say no to them directly so we have to pretend to like them. And I feel terrible bc were basically wasting their time when were not really interested. We can’t release any hints on who we like bc its conflict of interest. So yes I am leading many students on bc I have to play this game.....I feel like such a player. LOL We already know who we want...and tomorrow we have a meeting of figuring out who we want to chose as our new residents. 

Clinic this week has been decent because we had so many students come to visit, we even finished 1 hour early. And same thing will happen next Tuesday which is pretty sweet. Its weird bc lots of students are fighting to get this program, mainly because of the pay and they think its super chill, when reality is its still just as much work. Clinic regardless exhausts me.

I feel like I hadn't had a decent rest since last Friday. Friday I worked. Sunday I worked. Then Monday through Saturday I’ll work again....so been a little exhausted. Rounding takes a toll on me these days ..bc I have to round on 10 patients usually. 

Thankfull in one week my second month of floor will be over. And then I’ll go off service which I’m nervous bc I’m getting my car next week and Im nervous as hell driving. You don't know how SCARE I am. I feel like I’m not gonna live to see 2018 bc NY scares me with driving. Last thing I wanted was to have a car in NY.  Please pray of me that I’ll be okay and wont get into car accident or die. 

I’ve been taking care of myself as promised...been eating appropriately on time and taking medication and sleeping. Right now my mind is buzz and I can't fall asleep bc so much on my mind and its 1 am.  

What else..oh yeah I mentioned about our current drama at work...its between C and I...Its just stupid shit but I is a bitch. And R is just struggling in IMED. 

And as promised I did make attempts to chit chat with R...he stayed backed yesterday to hang out with me before he headed home. He seemed stressed and felt left out of conversation in podiatry, so I just updated him on what was going on in the call room. Odd thing was he was on my case on getting a car...he was like you need to look, I can come with you to see cars, what you looking for etc...I didnt tell him yet i got a car, but I was like why do you care so much on my car problems. I mean its nice of him but still you know. Can’t figure him out.

Anyways tomorrow is how my schedule looks 

6:30 am to 9 am: Morning Meeting & Hopefully Discussing About Students (huge chance they may move it after 5pm...I hope not)

9 am to Noonish: Notes/Round/Update Census/Consults

2 OR Cases: 7:45 & 3:00 which both C will do it 

Noonish to 5pm: Consults 

Swoosh List:

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Logs/Duty Hours w/ Naan

Notes for Saturday

Monday PowerPoint Presentation 

Check Bills

Exercise 

Shower 

Pray

Nap

Talk Ami

Spend Time w/ Naan bc NAAAN IS BACK AND HES MINE MINE MINE!!!! 

Anyways I gotta go pee and I should try to sleep bc its 1 am. Sorry again about making things difficult. I love you!!! Muaaah!  I hear you snoring ....it so soothing.  I am so tempted to wake you up but I wont because I can tell you are tired..and jeez now your snoring extra loud LOL!!! Haha if you were sleeping next to me right now Id be like hugging you tight and my legs on top of you and just snuggling into your warmth body and possibly drooling on the side and you'd be like ewww hummus.  Okay okay Im gonna end this and sleep too. MUAAAH!!! I can’t wait for you to be back! Please have a safe trip back to NY!!! Pack everything and don't forget anything!!! I LOVE YOU!