#it must be bc of my love of horror dudes gone mad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

itsclownhours · 4 years ago

Conversation

merlin as tumblr posts again because when i edited a typo in the original it fucked up the formatting

everyone: you have to make time for yourself

morgana: *stays up until 1 am every night crying* me time

morgana: ohhhh so the pain is forever and endless i get it now

young!mordred: once i learn how to read and write it’s over for you hoes

lancelot, in cursive: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: what does this say

elyan: i can’t read cursive handwriting

gwaine: bitch me neither that’s why i asked

arthur, to merlin, about lancelot: is he...y’know…*gestures downard to super hell*

uther, straight: hey what’s up guys do you want to go get some food

arthur and morgana, gay: ??????

uther: oh sorry i mean asgdhjdhs guys do you??? want some food??? lmao ashdjdjhs

arthur and morgana: oh! agshdjjshsj yeah lmao agshdj

morgana: do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends

gwen: am taking care of a tiny kitten. have given it an excellent name. dad thinks i’m calling her “minty” but this is actually short for The Government

gwen: The Government bit my finger and pooped on the floor

gwaine: peak art is when you were like six and you scribbled all over ms paint and then carefully paintbucketed in all the different shapes in the scribbles to make “stained glass”

morgause: forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die

leon, after arthur gives the knights a pep talk: so motivational...time to drill a hole in my skull

morgana: i want to be a she really did that!! kind of girl but i don’t do anything

arthur: pros and cons of being my friend:

arthur: pro: you have a friend

arthur: con: it’s me

gwaine, to lancelot: bro let’s watch a horror movie together...bro you look scared do you wanna share a blanket dude? if you wanna hold hands it’s ok. if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder it’s alright bro...bro if you wanna kiss that’s understandable that was a scary movie...we can keep cuddling after the movie is over it’s alright dude…

lancelot: old town road but he just keeps listing all the places he has horses

gwaine: i got the horses in the back

gwaine: horses on the track

gwaine: horses in the shack and i got horses fetching snacks

gwaine: i got the horses in earth’s core

gwaine: down under the floor

gwaine: horses in the store and i got horses on the moor

gwaine: died and came back as a cowboy i call that reintarnation

morgana: *shows up at college* excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class

merlin: finally found someone i was more disappointed in that myself: the entirety of america camelot

morgause: customer (derogatory)

arthur: business major (derogatory)

leon: leonardo dicaprio date a woman over 25 challenge

gwaine: thought that said “leonardo da vinci” and was confused since da vinci was gay and also since you were calling out someone who’s been dead for well over 7 years

leon: well. da vinci has been well over 7 years, i’ll give you that

morgana: the retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. i’ve had enough

gwaine: i’m fucking in luigi’s mansion

leon: who?

gwaine: some italian freak

gwaine: oh you meant who am i fucking. your mom

leon: stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. what will happen is fire

gwaine: but what if...something else happens. just this 1 time

morgause: bored? burn an orphan. who’re they gonna tell? their parents?

morgana: due to personal reasons i will be a serial arsonist

mithian: fruit (affectionate)

arthur: going to the fruit (derogatory) store do you want anything

gwen: fruit (salad, yummy yummy)

morgana, to gwen: i’m allergic to hookup culture and too weird to participate anyway. die in my arms

kilgharrah: i am fast and full of teeth. i will die in a barn fire

morgana: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana: evil again

morgause: every day i put on my evil little clothes and do my evil little tasks

percival: megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age

gwaine: megan thee stallion 🤝 timo thee chalamet

morgana: hey how many swords do you have

morgause: sword of a lot

morgana: blocked

morgause: parried

morgana and gwen simultaneously in 1x10: *chanting* girls with swords girls with swords

morgana: the more knives you have the more valid you are

kilgharrah: blocked. blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free from sin.

morgana: seven deadly sins speedrun

gwaine: i want 6 pet sloths so i can name them after every sin except for sloth

merlin: the eighth deadly sin is networking

arthur: online school culture is constantly wondering if there’s a sneaky little assignment you missed...is it tucked under modules or assignments or heaven forbid, announcements? who’s to say?

gaius: asynchronous learning

merlin, a clown: mmmnaptime

arthur: have you ever just cried because you’re you

elyan, to percival: bro, we are teens . it’s ok to cry around me . i’m your best friend . i love you … bro we are kissing now … no don’t stop bro … bro …

morgana: mad bc i was told as the bride my wedding would be “my day” but actually where will be a whole other bride there and we will have to share it

leon: i’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s about a gender i already know about, what kind of reveal is that

leon: gender reveal party??? no, this is a gender repeal party. we out here revoking genders

gwaine: you’re laughing. i asked you who sings party rock anthem and you’re laughing

gwaine: make no mistake not only am i party rocking but i’m also in the house tonight

elyan: are you shuffling?

gwaine: everyday

morgana: lung extensions

morgana: with extended lungs you can: scream longer, breathe harder, brag about extended lungs

morgana: this procedure is not legal but i will do it for you

morgana: do not tell the police or morgause

morgana: i’m so sick of dna, i’m going to have all mine removed

morgause: good news! this is a real thing that can happen to you

morgana: perfect, sign me up

morgana: if YOU die because i poisoned you...how is that MY fault like i’m sorry you aren’t immune to my poisons i think that’s genuinely something you need to work on. fix yourself before blaming others

arthur: my body is NOT a “temple”...it is a CLOWN CAR and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW TO DRIVE

morgause: live

morgause: laugh

morgause: l u r k

mcdonald’s employee: please sir get off the table

gwaine: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumping bag of fried out onto the floor* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKEN LITTLE ONES

merlin: i relate to vampires because i too must be clearly and specifically invited in before i have the audacity to try to participate in anything

gwaine: it can’t be september, just yesterday is was marchgustuary

lancelot: today’s date: [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/20

gwaine: why are internet friends not normalized. it’s 2020 they’re probably making robots that will wipe your ass for you and i can’t text grace in the uk and tell her to have a good day? fuck you

percival: imagine if halsey was in beauty and the beast

elyan: are you insane like gaston. been in pain like gaston. bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like gaston

arthur: my dad is learning about pronouns/gender identity and he called me in the middle of the night to tell me he is cis

merlin: ough. those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. maybe the next one will be better

morgana: i’m at the dark candy store, buying sorrowful ranchers

merlin: i’m surprised no one has ever punched me in the face

gwen: i want a gf so i can send her memes about loving my gf

morgause: oh to cook with my wife and stand directly in front of cabinets and drawers she needs to open

morgause: decided i will no longer be paying taxes. what are they gonna do, tax me more? go ahead. i won’t pay those either. oh i’m going to prison? the one paid for by my tax dollars? sorry, didn’t pay em. now there is no prison. i am at least 3 steps ahead of the government at all times

merlin: lab safety but the teacher just wants to you die

merlin: lab safety: 1. drink whatever’s in that beaker. i know you fucking want to

morgause: my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom backgrounds before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home babe. i’m in charge now

morgana: yeah i see why you’re in therapy

morgana: i hate it when people ask me to “explain my thought process” like hell if i know

morgana: what’s going on in that head of yours?” nothing i want to be a part of

mordred: hey girls what’s the hot gossip what’s new what’s the 411

morgana and morgause: everything is bad and getting worse by the day

morgause: common letter greetings from 1889

morgause: dearest my-soon-to-be-enemy

morgause: salutations and i hope you enjoy contact prison

morgause: i hope this letter finds you in a ditch

arthur: *highlights all the wrong and unimportant stuff with full confidence*

merlin: i’ve tried opening my mouth and saying words before and i’ve gotta say, i’m not a fan

morgana: a large group of humans is called a fuck that

website: synonyms for blood: juice

mithian: thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for

gwaine: gen z humor was single-handedly cultivated by the zoo wee mama comic and you can’t convince me otherwise

morgana: screw this it’s halloween now *turns into a swarm of bats them consumes the moon*

morgana: i can’t believe the heterosexuals are gone. they’re gone

uther: we’re still here

arthur: who said that

gwaine: no more france

gwaine: society has progressed passed the need for france

morgause: girls night out (of body experience)

morgana, to morgause: what do you mean “what have i been up to”...i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch

merlin: stop complaining about your life. there are literally people living in camelot

arthur, trying to find new knights: oh so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them

gwaine: we mcfreaking lost her doctor

morgause: looking for a wife in the walmart

morgause: arrested for visiting www.killing.com/murder

gwaine, to merlin: no bro this isn’t a date listen bro

gwaine: it’s bruhnch

morgause, to cenred: if you think i’m not interested, you’re right

gwen: put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe

morgana: idk what mad scientist needs to hear this today but your goggles and lab coat are incredibly flattering and all your experiments will block away the scientific community who called you a fool

morgause: i’m gonna fucking die disease

morgause: symptoms: back hurts a bit too much for a bit too long

arthur: if you think i’m annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying

merlin: sorry if i’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

gwaine: home depot needs more small tunnels for me to crawl through tbh

percival: hot tip: soup is customizable! go wild but know your limits

morgana: brains say “i know a spot” and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011

mithian: “can you multitask” yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time

morgana: quarantine schedule to keep you on track

morgana: wake up

morgana: neglect online school

morgana: yearn (ongoing project)

morgana: again!

mithian: if cats don’t want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn’t be roughly the size and shape of little babies

morgause: fuck this pandemic i could’ve ruined 2020 on my own

morgana: a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

morgana: oh to wear a knife strapped against my thigh beneath a silk dress

morgana, running off with morgause at the end of season 2: i hate this place i want to go to build a bear

morgana, at work: i’m evil

morgana, 1 second after clocking out: not evil anymore i want to be loved now

morgana, the next day at work: evil again

season 2 morgana: i am fine thank you for asking! though recently there has been a darkness growing within me

morgause: *thinks about love* okay well i am just losing my mind and being insane now

arthur: you think you can hurt my feelings? i’ve been the least favorite in every single friendship group i’ve had since i was 8

morgana, staring out the window at arthur and merlin: look at them plotting my downfall

mithian: i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low

mithian: oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head

morgana: i deserve to be kissed

morgana: did you have a homoerotic friendship with a girl in high school that ended in tragedy and you two are never talking again or are you normal?

mithian: just diagnosed with forehead kiss deficiency :/

morgana: i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business

morgause: my therapist told me that sometimes when a person consumes the same piece of media over and over they may be unconsciously coping with a mental block so now i’m trying to figure out what the fuck i was going through that made me watch ratatouille 8 times a day for a solid month in middle school

morgause: opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century

morgana: very homophobic that my head is not laying on the chest of my maidservant as i am drifting off to sleep

merlin: no no, it’s fine, i’ll text myself back

morgana: *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns*

arthur: i’d have to be a fool not to? being a fool and not doing things are my top two activities

gwaine: you think it’s easy to be me? you think it’s easy to get up every. single. day. and be an industrial grade dumbass? well it’s not. but that’s what i do. and i’ll never stop.

morgana: ah shit i’m sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

sunday: yearn

monday: pine

tuesday: long

wednesday: ache

thursday: sigh

friday: lament

saturday: crave

morgana: talents include: being a public menace, denying God’s will, petting dogs, yearning, being dramatic, witchcraft, quoting classic literature when no one asked, napping, befriending a murder of crows, being gay, covering up my emotions by being “the funny friend” when in reality i’m really going through it, wistfully staring out the car window

merlin: *doesn’t even do the bare minimum* all in a day’s work

cenred: a “period” is not an excuse to have an attitude

morgause: i miss the times when men would go to war and die

morgana: the cheap halloween vampire fangs stay ON during sex

gwen: maybe i pspspspsp’ed you because i love you. did you think of that? huh?

morgana: mom said it’s my turn to hand out the ominous and vague warnings

arthur: that wasn’t mom

uther: she JUST SAID it was her turn

morgause: i’m a chill person but if my back doesn’t stop hurting i’m going to take out my spine and beat God with it

mithian: one of these days i’m going to say the f word

mithian: then you’ll all be sorry

morgause: 3 words every girl wants to hear

morgause: club penguin membership

morgana: hmm, yes.

morgana: time to s i p

morgana: some *~crispy~*

morgana: d i h y d r o g e n m o n o x i d e

morgause: roll call! raise your hand if you’re in the following fandoms:

morgause: 1. suffering 2. the pain of living

morgana: *raises both hands and a leg*

leon: it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

merlin: yeah bro hit me up and we’ll cancel some plans sometime

morgana: my brain, or as i like to call it, the suffer contraption

morgause: my circle so small i almost cut myself off

morgause hyping herself up before entering any public area: i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal

arthur: today in french we learned how to say “what’s in the bag” and i couldn’t stop laughing because

arthur: swaggity swag qu’est-ce qui dans le sac

merlin: even when i am not speaking, know that horrible sentences are raging within me

mithian in 5x04: sorry bro i can’t go out tonight. i’m stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

morgause: shower gel label: immerse yourself in this new “Me Time” luxury frooty tooty. abandon all sense of identity and dissolve your memories into this soothing chemical broth. one billion melons are in this tube...use them wisely

leon, writing a headline about the most recent knights’ mission: local dumbasses knew that what they were getting themselves into and did it anyways

morgana: *feels random pain in body*

morgana: kill me

mithian: *slowly inches closer to your pet*

morgause: *refuses to look at texts* i love conversation and communication

arthur: cute gender neutral things to call your partner

arthur: significant annoyance

leon: the most unrealistic fantasy trope is the one where half of the pair works in some sort of shop and one is a customer because i have literally never thought about a customer with anything other than contempt

gwaine: why is everyone talking about 1d all of a sudden did one of them die

elyan: they’re 10 years old now

gwaine: i wish them luck 4th grade is tough!!

gwaine: must i pursue a career? is it not enough to be passionate about tv shows and snack foods?

leon, aroace: cool date idea: me eating oatmeal by myself

morgana: i have no self of steam

gwaine: i hate wearing a mask. i miss being able to gently kiss my trader joe’s cashier on the lips after they ring up my $8 box of blueberries

morgana: committing acts of violence today…*pushes morgause’s glass of water off the counter*

gwaine: mario will do anything to put a smile on your face

morgana: haha we get along so well...our brains just work the same way

morgause, after changing her entire personality to match morgana’s after analyzing the way she talks and texts: haha yeah it’s incredible

gwaine: covered in sauce, trembling

arthur: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*

arthur: you know what i mean :/

[online]

morgana: *screenshots things her girlfriend said to her so she can read it again later* yeah i’m not gay

uther: dude no offence i don’t want to sound like an sjw or anything but if you have a girlfriend you’re straight. that’s just how it works

morgana: i’m a girl

uther: what the fuck

morgana: the second you say “family group chat” i know we are not the same

gwen: what if early in the morning after buying groceries we got caught in the rain and i used my jacket to cover your head ut we still got soaked and we made a fire at home and brewed tea and sat together watching the rain as our cats hid under our feets at each sound of thunder and we ate stew for dinner and watched tv until we fell asleep on the couch with your head resting on my shoulder

gwaine, to percival: hold my hand bro we’re crossing the street

percival: imageine if we all just started ignoring celebrities though

percival: i can’t stop thinking about how funny this would be. imagine kyie jenner posting a selfie and it gets 12 likes

morgana: this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss

morgause at 1159 pm: life’s great lol

morgause at 1201 am: does anyone really know me? most importantly do i really know me? what if life doesn’t get better than this?

merlin: king i needbfjdjgnjfg qldkr snmsmdjgjt ….. .. i need--fjrjkrhgphpqn dd

arthur: huh *dunks merlin’s head back underwater*

morgana: i don’t go to therapy or take any pills i just rawdog life and let my brain turn into soup

mordred: dark emails

morgause: to whom it WILL concern

morgana: now that this email has found you

gwaine: hi waiter could i get the spaghetti i promise i’ll behave this time

merlin: the sexiest thing about me? everything hurts my feelings

gwaine: how is sex fun if i have to remove my crocs to have it

elyan: if he makes you remove your crocs for sex he isn’t the one

morgause: a motherfucker could use an embrace

morgana: every night after 10pm my feelings start crawling out, starved, as i beat them with a moderately large stick vigorously hissing “stay back” until i inevitably fall asleep

fanfiction: there’s only one room available…

morgause, who specifically chose a rated m and explicit story: oh my gosh there’s only one room they’re gonna share a bed what’s gonna happen next

morgana: i can have a little unrealistic romantic fantasy. as a treat

arthur: some of y’all weren’t asked out as a joke in middle school and it shows

morgana: how is everyone doing. i’ll go first i’m doing badly

morgana: being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of the knights told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when i asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was a baby and to this day the mental image of nasa launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up

elyan: do you wish you were seeing somebody

leon: a therapist

morgause: when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten

[texting]

morgana: you seem hard to kill

morgause: aw thank you

morgause: i haven’t been killed yet

morgana: to your knowledge

morgause: what

morgana: just truly bonkers how much i love lying down……..like being horizontal? Unparalleled

arthur: when i was younger i really thought that piranhas were going to be a bigger issue for me than they’ve turned out to be

morgause: filling out the depression and anxiety checkboxes at the doctors is always so sad but also very very funny

morgause: i am handed a piece of paper. i check off a box that says “every day i wish i were dead”. i hand back the paper. the paper and its contents are never again discussed.

morgana: unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, i cannot just “walk up and join the circle of people talking”, but it does sound lovely thank you

morgana: if california is so expensive why don’t you move to somewhere like ohio

morgause: full offense but i’d rather be dead in california than alive in ohio

morgause: ugly and uninspiring--review of ohio

morgana: staying up late not even fun anymore it’s just sad

morgause: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)

morgause’s brain: except for you

morgause: except for me :)

mithian: please peer pressure me into finishing projects

merlin: do it or you’re straight

mithian: i said peer pressure not threaten

morgause: the year is 2030. bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. i go to hug my wife for comfort. she is cake.

morgause: i sob in despair as i eat my cake wife. she is delicious

gwen: do ladies love stupid men or do they just love men who don’t exhaust every opportunity to feel smart

gwen: “i used to think that melancholy was a vegetable” that’s incredible, let’s hang out more

morgause: basically i accidentally listened to a song a few years ago and it led to this

morgana: *desperately tries to romanticise her homework*

uther: do i have to be pretty? is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the worst opinions

morgana: oh i can’t possibly study, i have allotted the next six hours to yearning vaguely

morgause: allow me to de-introduce myself

morgause: my name is [redacted]

arthur: i have no good posts today i’m sorry guys

merlin: haha “today”

mordred: “do we perhaps use magic because we were bullied and needed blah blah special interest blah blah” shut the FUCK up i use magic to see my anime husband’s big fucking honkers. sorry you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: i came here to bully people

mordred: is it because you got pantsed in front of your crush

morgana: no it’s because i’m deranged

mithian: pretty sure seven deadly sins is a bit excessive

mithian: just combine wrath and gluttony and make hangry

mithian: sloth and pride make Bottoming

morgana: despicable me ruined the word minion whenever i become a supervillain i’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever

gwen: as a bisexual i am attracted to lanky boys with dark hair, girls who look like they could kill me, and anyone wearing vampire teeth

morgana: if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved

gwaine: turn down for whom?

mithian: fact: usage of the word “the” has begun to decline. this is because as more and more people become educated, usage of the word “thoum’st” has become more common.

morgana, kidnapping mithian in 5x04: truth or dare? uhhh i dare you to………………………………..fall in love with me. haha i’m just joking bro………………..unless…………………………?

gwaine: my thoughts are like a clearance sale

gwaine: once it’s gone it’s gone

morgana: *pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” specifically to piss off morgause*

gwaine: do you prefer women or men?

leon: death

morgause: honestly no offense but i love falling asleep and sleeping. it’s like. ok goodnight

morgause: ngl it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when you’re quarantined at home

morgause: i need to get laid

morgause: --to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend

gwaine: it takes a lot of heart to be this stupid

gwaine: it takes real strength not to know shit about fuck

elyan: what’s your favorite anime?

leon: i’m a christian

arthur: just bought this tapeworm from etsy!

lancelot: where are you gonna keep it

arthur: :)

merlin: i don’t like this conversion very much

gwaine: i’m home alone with the tv repair man

gwaine: i’m no fool, there are only two possible outcomes of this scenario

gwaine: porn or murder

gwaine, an hour later: apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves

morgause: well tomorrow fucking sucked

morgana: dark brunch

morgana: *mixes a mimosa with evil intent*

morgause: this is just what being gay is like

gwaine: movie idea: guy finds a stone tablet engraved with a mysterious alien language and gets caught up in a national treasure-esque adventure to decipher its meaning, only to learn that it’s just an alien “live laugh love” decoration

arthur: sorry i didn’t mean to open your ig story 20 seconds after you posted i’m just unemployed

arthur: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgana: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

cenred: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful

morgause: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars

morgana: wow would you look at that. it’s already that time of the night where i move the stuff on my bed to my chair. can’t wait until tomorrow when i move the stuff from my chair back onto my bed

gwaine: hi i’m bethany with girl defined ministry and today we are going to be talking about how to stan my chemical romance in a God-honoring way

morgana: bottom: ,,, !!! ;;; vers: …. top: no punctuation whatsoever

morgause: tops are illiterate

morgause: i slept for almost 12 hours but i might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case

morgana: morgause that’s a coma

morgause: sounds festive

mithian: i am a simple woman. i enter the kitchen. i eat four servings of bread products. i leave.

gwaine: it’s one serving if you serve all of it to yourself

mithian: i like the way you think, friend

gwaine: spencer from icarly and rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum

elyan: the gay older brother scale

merlin: i found a rock :)

merlin: my troubles will soon be over

gwaine: parasite (2019) dir. bong joon ho

percival: uncut gems (2019) dir. josh and benny safdie

elyan: cain

morgana: social distancing is okay for me bc i’ve been touch starved since the 15th century. i’m used to it

mithian: fanfiction hits different when you’re gay and yearning and haven’t experienced an ounce of romance in your life

morgause: callout for rude baby seen at grocery store

morgause: i’m calling out a baby (approximately 12-14 months old) from the grocery store due to its rudeness. i’m guessing its age based on appearance, motor skills (atrocious) and whatnot. anyway, i smiled at this baby and it just stared at me. as soon as i began to move on, though, the baby said “no!” and started giggling when i turned back around. this happened multiple times. the baby’s actions were toxic and manipulative. the baby was also manhandling a package of dried fruit which wasn’t yet paid for (quite minor) and was just generally sitting around and not helping

gwen: we need to melt down all the pennies and make the statue of liberty a girlfriend

morgause: had a realization in a dream i just had that this isn’t real and i can just do whatever i want and so i started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small i woke up sleep paralyzed

morgause: i was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing i did was use them to torment the nearest man

morgause: and the actual God woke me up and put be into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what i’ve done

morgana: does anyone else feel an awkward tension whenever you see another person your age in the grocery store

gwaine: the number 87 kinda looks like a plague doctor

percival: you’ve just changed the fucking game

elyan: [|87

morgana: a lonely bitch...a loner...i love isolation AND detachment

gwaine: i will not call the judges “your honor”. in america we don’t have titles of nobility. they will get a simple “yes dude” from me

gwaine: calling big bird just “bird” because i do not respect him

morgause: *photo of a pizza in a bad* caught the bae sleepin

mordred: now why would you waste a perfectly good pizza :(

morgause: that “waste” happens to be my wife getting her beauty sleep. think before you speak

gwaine: *finishes wedding vows* don’t forget to like and subscribe

morgana: *is bitter but is also right*

morgana: how dare you not notice me when i’m ignoring you

morgause, killing cenred: men be like i’m bilingual i speak english and over women

gwaine: after i move i really wanna get a used roomba

percival: i love that you’re adopting instead of buying from a breeder

mordred: joking about a kink is a gateway drug into developing said kink

morgana: my kink is mental, emotional, and financial stability

morgause: unrealistic, settle for choking like normal people

gaius: gay people use halloween props as home decor year round

morgana: shut up shut up this black jar with a raven painted on it is holiday-neutral

[texting]

morgause: can you come out?

morgana: yeah gimme a minute

morgana: morgause, i’m gay

morgause: i know that. come out to the car

morgana: car, i’m gay

morgause: God FUCKING damnit i’m such a hopeless romantic one day someone’s gonna say “i love you” and i’m just going to let out an agonized scream so horrible that they immediately change their mind

gaius: i’m not wearing glasses anymore i’ve seen enough

morgause: sorry my battery’s on 96% i gtg

morgause: you hate me? wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn

morgana: don’t ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean i’m ignoring like 8 people right now but still ???

morgana: shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

morgana: the concept of physical beauty is a scam unless you’re calling me cute in which case it is valid, actually

merlin: oh, so when other people go outside it’s “good for their health” and “highly recommended”, it’s only when i do it that it’s a “containment breach” and a “high-level threat to public safety and security”, huh?

gwaine: a charming photo of young john mulaney, seemingly celebrating the kennedy assassination

merlin: princess diana wasn’t john mulaney’s first kill

morgause: hate when i got out in public and the public is there

morgana: it seems the public is no longer in the public

morgause: i’ve won...but at what cost?

morgana: girls will see a chance to commit arson and be like “sorry, i have to take this”

morgause: girls will see a building that’s not on fire and say “is anyone gonna burn that” and not wait for an answer

#puff does things #long post

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clarenecessities · 7 years ago

Text

6/20/17

hell of a day, folks. hell of a day. as some of you may recall it is extremely rare that i am genuinely angry--last time was about six months ago, and the time before that? four years. unfortunately it does have a tendency to make up for lost time bc i have been known to fly into a rage (none have been directed at other people since The Dark Times, which we’re not going to talk about today)

so basically: we’re doing locker room clean outs, right? like we go through and we cut all the locks that are still on lockers (we gave them upwards of a month’s notice to clear them out) and then bag the stuff up and label it in case they come back like “uh hey my locker is gone and also all my shit”.

yesterday went pretty smoothly, but lucie and emma weren’t there today so it was me, Charlie, Lani, Ali, John, and Briana. A brief breakdown:

Charlie is our staff facilitator, a position which was invented specifically for him because he is one of the most dedicated employees this facility has ever seen, and was passed over for a lead position when Ray (our boss) selected the two people who he had worked with the most--which were unfortunately just the people who had been kissing his ass the most, Adam (a condescending misogynist who hasn’t been in the building for upwards of a month) and Lani. Charlie actually does his job, which is saying a lot at the CRC tbqh. Charlie is my adopted son and I love him, damn it. As staff facilitator, he basically runs the ops staff (me) and does what needs doing. He also does every part of Adam’s job that hasn’t already been pawned off onto Lani.

Lani is one of our two leads. She is very, very young for a lead and socially reads somewhat like an anxious child who can read the vibe, but has no idea how to respond to it. She’s very friendly and loves to give compliments, but hates all negativity. It amplifies her awkward fidgeting by like a hundred. She’s John’s long-time girlfriend and has recently (since her promotion) become friends with Ali.

Ali is the worst.

John is very hard-working, genuine, and generally a positive person. The only fault I’ve noticed is he follows direction without consideration, so he can be pulled in several conflicting directions.

Briana is the younger sister of one of our former ops staff, and basically lives in the awkward zone Lani sometimes inhabits. She’s very young, a moderately hard worker, and desperate for approval but not recognition.

picture the scene... a humid, smelly locker room covered in discarded pieces of trash and waiting baskets. the morning begins with lock-cutting, which continues unimpeded for the better part of an hour and a half, until Lani has to go upstairs for a meeting.

chaos descends.

charlie and i had just finished cutting through a lock specifically designed to resist cutting, and subsequently had to cut off the latch of the locker because we twisted it so bad. (this locker had been locked for the entirety of my CRC employment, like... there was a card in there that expired in september of 2014.) we were trying to cut other locks but our arms were under a little too much strain, so charlie was like alright, i’m calling a break.

so we all rest for about fifteen minutes. charlie went somewhere else so the break room was me, ali, briana, and john. it was..... hell. ali was like “hey where did lani go” because she doesn’t actually listen when lani speaks, so i was like “she said she had a meeting.” Now, a little more background: Ali is being trained in admin functions. This is essentially a meaningless distinction in regards to hierarchy, and instead reflects pay scale. Emma is also being trained, and doing much better, and I’m going to start training next week. if they’re asking me to do it? it’s not about hierarchy. anyway. Ali started fucking power tripping. she was like “oh well is it an admin meeting” and i was like “no, charlie didn’t know about it” because charlie, as staff facilitator, must be present at admin meetings. ali has visibly decided that not only is staff facilitator a fake position that she won’t recognize, but that her actual fake position conveys real power, and says “yeah but if it’s admin then i should be up there“ like no, ali, you really fucking shouldn’t. you are living in an Assistant TO THE Regional Manager world, my dude! anyway she kept asking me fucking questions about it and eventually i was just like, “dude, if you were supposed to be there, lani would have told you” and she stopped.

oh i forgot to mention, during the lock cutting phase i asked her why she had the american flag on her cast and she was like “oh because i love america” and i was like “oh cool so you hate the flag? that’s what this is?” & charlie and i had to explain the flag code to her. not the part about not using it as a costume or whatever: The existence of the Flag Code. it’s also just like a really fuckin’ ugly cast, it’s more stars and bars than stars and stripes... she fucking voted for trump though so hey whatever’s racist enough for you i guess

at the end of the break, charlie comes into the breakroom and says, quote, “let’s get jiggy with it” and gestures to the locker rooms, so i like get up & we get back to work, right?

the others stayed. either they didn’t understand the pantomime, or they weren’t done talking about mediocre horror movies, which they’d been doing when i left.

so twenty minutes later, after our allotted fifteen minute break, they mosey back on into the locker room and begin bagging. charlie’s more irritated than i am at this point--i was mostly like, alright, whatever, at least i don’t have to listen to them circle jerk it for another twenty minutes. it took all three of them, working together, to bag one row of lockers, in additional twenty minutes. contextually: they had to empty a grand total of three lockers. the majority of the twenty minutes was spent either gaping at a jar with some spit in it, or by ali complaining that her leg was on fire. i should add that she’s in a cast because she broke some toes about a month ago, she’s got one of those little cart things that she’s wheeling around on rn--not a wheelchair, like a scooter with a high bench. anyway she physically couldn’t cut the locks and so had been sitting around the majority of the morning distracting the others, and was now spending the noon complaining for anyone within earshot, which was everyone.

charlie and i, meanwhile, had finished cutting all the locks, and were now onto the bagging process. we cleared four rows in addition to the six additional locks we cut while they were all working on their three bags.

i was mostly tuning them out and focusing on the content of the lockers, because charlie was getting the stuff out and i was writing it down

at the end of this twenty minute interval, they approached charlie and me and said ray had given us $20 dollars for lunch. ali suggested the greenery (our campus cafeteria), which is ludicrous for a number of reasons, foremost among them being that the greenery Sucks, and that it costs $10 per person and there were five of us. i suggested pizza but charlie was like ehhhhh bc we had pizza yesterday and normal humans don’t subscribe to my unholy eating regimen--but it was too late. they’d already seized on the idea. so at 12:26 (i checked my phone) they left.

a half hour later, as we were wheeling bags back to the lost and found, we saw them talking with lani in the hallway. they continued to talk until about 1:08, at which point state troopers were doing a patrol of our building as part of their wider sweep of campus, because i guess that’s where we’re fucking at right now

while they were gone, some serious shit happened, and i’m gonna copy and paste it from facebook bc it’s A Lot:

charlie and i were cleaning out the lockers and heard people throwing weights. we were like "uh, what the fuck" so charlie went up to check it out. he found 3 athletes working out and he was like "yo... we're closed." this guy is like "oh, the coaches let us in, you can go check with them" and charlie's like "uh yeah okay i'll go do that" and as he's walking away the guy calls him a bitch like you can't even say it to his fucking face? christ dude so charlie's not a fucking twelve year old & just keeps walking, he bumps into ray who apparently did let them in, lets him know the situation. five minutes later i am Incensed on my son's behalf and they're still throwing weights, so I go up there to ask them to stop, have some words if necessary, you know two of the guys are chill about it but this third one is like "uh, weights make a noise when you set them on the ground" like yeah thanks man I haven't worked in a gym for three years or anything i had no idea. i continue to tell him to set them down & not pick things up if he can't fucking lift them, he gets increasingly belligerent and brings up charlie "disrespecting" him and "coming at [him] like [he's] a liar". so I'M like "oh, you mean my supervisor, who you just called a bitch?" and he goes off about how he doesn't do anything to us, he's never done anything to us, like we shouldn't be wondering why he's in a locked building filled with dangerous equipment with no supervision, or asking him not to damage our fucking floors he kept turning away from me and putting his earbuds in to front like he doesn't give a shit about me but he just came off like a fucking coward. he also wouldn't say bitch to me? like he said charlie "was being a B-word" like jesus christ dude you aren't entitled to be here! it is specifically against the rules and i have no idea why they let you in, so if you insist on being here, how about not verbally abusing our staff facilitator and treating the ops staff--who is seconds away from peeling you like a god damned onion --like a five year old

i ended this in a full-on rage tbqh. like thank god i did eventually develop some impulse control or i might have murdered that guy in our weight room.

came back down and was just real, real fuckin’ mad, told charlie what happened, tried to channel fury into productivity (surprisingly effective, although my hands were shaking which may have affected legibility) and tried to talk myself out of breaking something.

oh also the guy explicitly told me “we’re enemies” like DAMN dude you have no idea what a can of worms you just cracked open. you wanna be enemies? ohhh i’ll be enemies. y’all can add this asshole to that murder suspect list from yesterday because it’s all downhill from here my guy

well. anyway. about 2:06 john is like “hey clare your pepsi’s in the breakroom” (i asked them to just bring me a pepsi wherever they were going) and i was like “cool i’ll be right there.” i still needed to calm down before being in a room with anyone even mildly irritating so i did a couple more lockers and waited for charlie to finish wheeling the bags out.

we step into the break room and ali’s like “did you remember to put the bags in the same place” with no preamble, like A. of fucking course we did, this isn’t rocket science, B. you never told us that in the first place, C. you have absolutely no authority over me, and charlie outranks you. like yes she’s one of those people who just everything they do is annoying? but this was like... an explicit show of dominance, because lani was in the break room, and ali wanted to show off to her. tashina had also turned up and was the only one who seemed to notice that charlie and i were both seething--charlie was like “okay well i’m going home” and she told him to relax (in a slightly awkward but well-meaning attempt at saying ‘hey i can see you’re upset but probably don’t wanna talk about, take it easy out there’ that charlie interpreted as ‘calm down lad’ until i was like no, she was trying)

so then ray (you may recall; our supervisor) shows up to grab a couple slices of pizza, asks how everything’s going, and ali was like “oh yeah we did half” and i was so fucking done at that point, i just stared at her and said “no”

like nope, “we” didn’t do shit, and charlie and i got about a third down without you.

we talked for a while about operations... i mentioned the athletes to ray and he actually has a plan for it, i guess we’re going to meet with the teams before the school year and be like “hey, ground rules” which i think is a pretty good idea because the basketball guys are almost all dicks

ray mentioned at one point that he was probably going to base summer hours on who was turning up for these cleanouts, and tashina made a point of mentioning that charlie and i had been working “especially hard” which i really appreciated, because the idea of having to work a shift with ali over like lucie or emma makes me want to Die

so about 2:50 they’re like “okay well the pizza’s been gone for a half hour, i guess we should work now” and i was like man, you know, charlie is gone and i’m still really fucking angry, so i don’t think i should be trapped in a small, hot space with y’all rn & i went home

as i was walking back i actually ran into charlie, he had been on his way back because he had calmed down some & wanted the hours, but he was like yeah shit if you’re not there there’s no way i can handle them

so we were talking about the Parade of Bullshit that comprised our work day and somehow it turned into me going back to his place (he lives in my apartment complex but like three buildings over) to see his guns. i can now officially say i’ve held a gun, & it was just as surreal and terrifying as i imagined! i’m never gonna be a gun person tbh but it cool to see the differences between his, he’s got a soviet issue rifle (complete with bayonet) & then a more modern one that looks like plastic but isn’t

we just hung out for a while, his dog lucky wouldn’t stop jumping on me, which was all in good fun but i like moved my hand wrong and hit his tooth so now my hand hurts :/ he showed me the Last Of Us which i’d never really seen outside of gifsets & i was actually pretty impressed with the graphics! the animation was good too, which i feel like you don’t see in games so much. we got through the prologue part & then i gave charlie a ride to physical therapy bc he had forgotten the bus schedule changes for summer, & i was going that way anyway to get some bubble tea

i get to the mall, guess who’s out of boba!! i was like no.................. my heart can’t take this, but then alyssa checked & was like “yeah the next batch will be ready in twenty minutes” so thank god. thank heckin’ god. i grabbed some lemonade and pretzel bitz from wetzel’s pretzels--that fucking vine with the Indiana Jones song has been fucking haunting me by the way--and chilled in my car because my phone had died at charlie’s place and i needed to charge it up. went and got my bubble tea, got some gas, picked up charlie & then took him on some errands ‘cause like fuck the bus, right? hatched some good pokemon

came back home, relaxed with toby and my bubble tea & forensic files. finally achieved Calm.

decided at about 10:30 that i wanted ice cream & i was like shit if anybody deserves ice cream it’s me rn so i went to mcdonald’s & got a cone & two apple pies for a grand total of 2-something dollars. how am i supposed to resist going back there every day is the real fuckin’ question man

anyway now i’m super tired and i’m going to bed so like.... yeah

#daily clare #tomorrow had better be at least a little better i stg

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