#it hit hard after the last 3 days ive spent in Actual Hell

[voxxian]

i hope voltron makes a comeback

[serowotonin]

falling ; bakugou k.

pairing ( bakugou katsuki x fem!reader ) wordcount ( 2.4k ) genre ( fluff & basically pining )

↷ a hc-styled narrative describing the four stages bakugou katsuki goes through as he finds himself falling for you . . .

STAGE I ( impression ) ;

the first time bakugou laid eyes on you was during the entrance exam at UA. 

back then, you were just another face in the crowd of faces he was going to have to beat to earn his spot in UA

the first time bakugou spoke to you wasn’t memorable to him either

like with everyone else, he was loud and rude and made it very clear he wasn’t interested in playing friends

after that you became a part of the class, just another extra, someone who’d just get in the way

that was all he thought you were… 

until you kicked todoroki’s ass one day during training

the teachers had paired everyone in the class and told you to practice your 1-on-1 combat skills using your quirk 

bakugou, who was paired with kirishima went first

you and todoroki were to be the last pair

despite a good effort put up by kirishima, bakugou still ended up winning that round

when it was finally yours and todoroki’s turn, bakugou paid extra attention

in his mind, he knew todoroki was powerful and someone to watch out for

but what happened was quite unexpected

you maneuvered easily through todoroki’s attacks with a combination of physical prowess and creative usage of your quirk

let’s just say his ice didn’t work on you and he was caught off guard, allowing you to snatch a win 

needless to say, most of your classmates were a bit surprised at first

bakugou included

they knew you were strong but they didn’t know you were that skilled

whatever the rest of the class thought didn’t matter to bakugou though

all he knew was that now he had to keep an eye on you

STAGE II ( perspective ) ;

after that event, bakugou did indeed keep his eye on you

it started off with him observing your moves whenever the class had to do any training exercises 

he saw you fight with todoroki a couple more times after that

those didn’t end in easy victory for you as it did before because todoroki was now more wary of you

however, the way you evaded and countered his attacks was something to be praised

in bakugou’s subconscious opinion at least

your moves were carefully thought out and bakugou could see that

he could see the effort and practice you had put into perfecting them

not only that, he could also see the natural talent that you had to be able to become this strong

and it wasn’t only your fighting capabilities

you were also smart

maybe he hadn’t noticed it before but he did now

you seemed to always know the answer when a teacher called on you and your grades were great

slowly, but surely, you gained respect in his eyes 

if he knew one thing about you, it was that you were maybe the tiniest bit better than the other extras 

for a while it stayed like this, him acknowledging you but never making it obvious and you just doing your thing

that was of course until one day in the morning before class started

mina, kirishima, and sero were talking about things as they usually were and somehow the conversation led to you

they were talking about how strong and smart you were and going on about stuff

bakugou must’ve turned his head in their direction or something but mina noticed him listening so asked him cheekily what he thought of you

“y/n? of course they’re strong. anyone could see that.”

he said that pretty loudly and didn’t seem to notice you walking into the classroom

and of course you heard

“did my ears deceive or did the bakugou katsuki just praise me?” you teased

he was pretty embarrassed, blushing and sweating a bit but trying to hide it

soon after though, class started and the ordeal was forgotten

but something about that interaction led to you and bakugou becoming closer

closer in that instead of passing the other off as another strong classmate as you usually would, you’d actually greet each other and talk 

you’d say hello to him in the mornings and goodbye after school and he’d just grunt or nod your way

but this was what it meant to be close to bakugou anyway

during the weeks that passed, bakugou found himself noticing you even more

before he only paid attention to your skills and thought about you as an enemy or rival of sorts

now it seems as if he’s just noticing the little things about you and your personality that make you who you were

he wasn’t doing it on purpose god forbid

no no it was just him being unknowingly observant

weeks turned into months and months turned into years

in a blink of an eye, you were all well in your second year

with everything that happened, you and bakugou became close

close enough for you to tease him at random times and close enough for him to ask you to fight him as training

by then it was safe to say bakugou knew you

he knew the little quirks you had 

he knew your different smiles, your different laughs

he knew your favorite foods and your not so favorite ones

he knew the many different little things that made you you

STAGE III ( contradiction ) ;

before the start of the third year, the class decided to have a little get-together party of sorts

to celebrate the start of their last year in high school and to catch up as everyone’s been busy with internships and whatnot

you spent the break away from tokyo so it’s been a while since you saw the rest of the class

naturally you were excited to be able to meet them all casually again before the intense studying and training that awaited you all 

bakugou, on the other hand, wasn’t too excited

frankly, he could do without seeing the class before school

but when he heard you were going to be there, he also agreed to go

so there you two were with the rest of the class at a cinema buying drinks and popcorn before your movie started

the neon lights and the prospect of popcorn lit up your face and bakugou couldn’t help but stare

there was just something, something he couldn’t quite figure out

it’s not that you were beautiful, it’s not that you looked cute in that outfit, it’s not that your smile was making his heart flutter

no it wasnt any of that true though they may be

you just.. you looked nice

thats why he was staring

yeah he hasn’t seen you in a while and you come back looking *nice* 

of course he would stare

anyone would

apparently you had noticed him staring though, so you sent a wink and a grin his way before turning back to the popcorn and drinks

in other words, you killed him

with ridiculously high levels of cute and nice

kirishima and sero were just watching the whole thing happen and hell was it obvious to them

their boi was falling hard

now they knew he’d never admit it and they knew you weren’t likely to do anything about his “crush” even if it was obvious to you too

so…

while bakugou was busy helping you carry your popcorn, they devised a rather devious plan

operation: jelly burst

objective? none other than to make explody boiy jealous

for what reason? no reason really it’s just fun to mess with him and this is probably the first time he’s had this big a crush

once everyone finished buying popcorn and was walking into the cinema, operation: jelly burst was put into action

“hey y/n ! come sit next to me” — sero

so you did, nothing strange bout that, sero was a good of yours anyway, nothing strange at all

bakugou moved to come sit next to you too but kiri hurried past him and sat down on your other side before he could

“oh hey bakubro didn’t see ya there sorry”

the seat kirishima stole was the last seat on the aisle

and bakugou was forced to go sit somewhere else

alone

poor guy</3

the seat he found was a few rows above yours though and all went according to the jelly burst plan

by the end of the movie, bakugou was in the foulest mood and no one, except for the 2 lads sitting on either side of y/n, knew why

operation: jelly burst didnt end there though

see they got him jelly but they haven’t gotten him to burst

the next week at school, kirishima and sero both acted really nice to you

it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but they did talk to you just a tad bit more than usual

either way bakugou noticed big time and he did not like it

he did not like it one bit

the jelly was there alright

it was just boiling to unprecedented levels

pretty soon, the boys dumped the idea of operation: jelly burst 

mainly cos it was taking too long 

but also because bakugou had become at least 10x more hostile

except to you of course

for some reason, a reason absolutely no one could figure out(sarcasm intended), he was just

quiet around you

didnt yell but didnt really talk to you either

whenever anyone else, kiri and sero especially, tried to talk to him though, he’d shout louder and be a lot ruder to them 

he’s just agitated

and he knew why he was that way

he’s just in denial about it

he’s also in denial about the reason why

why couldn’t he just accept his feelings and act on it already?

kirishima asked him that one day in the dorms

he saw bakugou staring very intensely straight at you without blinking for a full minute

“look man, don’t even try to tell me you don’t like y/n. it’s obvious and i’m not an idiot. you aren’t either.”

“i know shitty hair. it’s just… i’m me. and she’s y/n. nothing’s ever gonna happen.”

“you don’t know that”

“but i do. cmon, she’s just so fucking perfect even with all her flaws. and i’m just the loud guy with exploding hands and no emotions.”

kiri was surprised honestly

this wouldn’t be the first time bakugou was insecure around him but the way bakugou talked about you and how he implied he wasn’t worthy

damn that hit kirishima 

“bakubro, i’m gonna help you”

STAGE IV ( intimacy ) ;

ever since he told kirishima abt what’s been bothering him about you and ever since kirishima declared he’d help, bakugou became more…

quiet

he was still loud, but he just became a soft kind of loud now(?)

it was like he got calmer and he was assured that things would be okay

of course things were not okay

why? because ever since bakugou fully accepted his feelings for you, he doesnt know how to act around you

the other day you asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner cause you were cooking tonight

his answer:

“you”

“umm..”

“-you can make anything you want. i’ll eat whatever.”

that and a lot of other little awkward incidents started occurring

also maybe it was just the weather but he always seemed red whenever you saw him

it wasn’t the weather though

it was him being shy and nervous and flustered

which made bakusquad extremely weirded out cause seeing him like that is like seeing aizawa cheerfully smiling and wearing bright color clothes

it was weird af and was just not right

anyway, mina’s advice to him was to try to get closer to you

“but we’re already close”

“no i mean closer on a personal level. ask her how her day was or ask her random stuff about her likes and dislikes or her hobbies or literally anything”

“oh… ok then”

and so he tried that

he tried getting closer to you by greeting you every morning and sometimes asking you if you slept well

you found it odd

it certainly was odd, but you didn’t mind

if you ask him why he asks about your sleep he just goes red and says he needs to make sure his opponent for his afternoon sparring session is well-rested and healthy

speaking of the sparring sessions…

he asks you to spar more often than usual and actually makes small talk during your breaks

he was also a lot nicer to you, offering to help carry stuff for you and assisting you in the little things

like getting a mug from the kitchen’s high shelves or picking up the pencil you accidentally dropped

what he did worked though and within a few weeks, the two of you got a lot closer

the next step, as mina put it, was “making sure she knew you weren’t interested in her as a friend”

now that was hard for bakugou to do

“it’s not that hard. you could just tell her.”

bakugou: ..??

“basically confess”

bakugou: wha- *shortcircuits*

CONFESSING

he never thought about that

he actually has

he knew in his mind he’d have to do it eventually if he wanted to have you

but he didn’t think it would be *this soon*

“dont think that much and just tell her you like her”

“you’re making it sound easy”

“because it is!”

he groaned internally

he’s faced tons of villains and been in quite the number of fearful situations but the fear he felt now was completely different 

“look if you’re afraid of rejection just confess like this”

*sero clears throat*

“*y/n i like you and i would like to be something more than friends. i’m not going to pressure you into anything so if yoh don’t want to we can just pretend this never happened>:)”

“...”

bakugou ended up confessing the next day though

just not like that

it was a spur of a moment thing and he wasn’t really aware he said it until you responded

the two of you were sparring as usual and you had just gotten close enough to knock him down and pin him to the ground

in that moment you were just so beautiful and amazing and everything and he just couldn’t keep it in apparently 

“i like you”

“w-what?”

“what?”

“did you just say you liked me?”

“like not liked dumbass”

“:o present tense o:”

well long story short, you like him too and you tell him that and you two just sit there grinning like idiots 

from then on things didn’t change much

you and bakugou still talked, although maybe more than usual

and still sparred with each other, although maybe less seriously and more playfully

some were surprised when it became known you were together

some weren’t 

whatever other people thought though, they couldn’t deny one thing:

bakugou looked at you as if you were the world

STAGE ∞︎ ( fallen ) .

note ; i started writing this soo long ago but then abandoned it cuz thats just me:”] bUT i decided that since its his birthday i might as well finish it up and finally post it u.u,,, also TYSM @animebsposts for helping me with this ily and ur amazing<3

taglist ; ( send ask to be added ! ) @lilikags​

[suwya]

Till the Stars Had Run Away - Chapter 6

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Summary: Killian Jones was a voyager. Actually, he was many things, or at least he had been - a lieutenant, a brother, a loving boyfriend - until everything had turned upside down and his life had hit an all time low. So, he gave up. Aboard his spaceship he abandoned Arcadia, his planet, navigating the stars and other solar systems in search of... well, he still didn't know what he was searching for, but his rule was "never remain in the same place longer than necessary."

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Rating: M

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Prologue; Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

AO3

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A/N: Sorry for the waiting, but real life came along and I had to stop writing for a couple of weeks. Thank you @thisonesatellite for being the best beta reader I could ever ask for. And thank to all of you who are reading this. Happy Labour Day!

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Chapter 6 . .

Be not inhospitable to strangers,

lest they be angels in disguise.

(W. B. Yeats)

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When Killian regained consciousness he found himself in what reminded him of a military hospital. There were thin white curtains around his bed, but through them he could spot other beds like his, most of them empty. The room seemed large and dimly lit.

He closed his eyes and remembered the crash landing, the unknown desert planet, the great rock that was about to crush Henry, and that feeling of unease and imminent danger he had felt just before the impact. Where was he? And above all what kind of situation was he in, a good or a bad one? He opened his eyes again, and noticed he wasn’t alone. A woman was checking his IV, and a nearby monitor was beeping intermittently.

Killian tried to sit up, but a stabbing pain in his lungs made him desist immediately. He groaned loudly.

“Look who’s awake.” Said the woman, who was now staring at him. “Hello, handsome.” She added cheerfully.

Killian had found himself dealing with uncharted waters several times in his life. He decided to play the waiting game. “This is usually my line, well, more or less.”

“Really? In this case, I'll warn my husband not to approach you.”

“Don’t worry I'm not into men, not recently at least.” He smirked.

“Oh, but my husband is quite the charming one.”

“I still prefer the company of a fair lady, if I could choose.” He winked and chuckled, and a dull pain made him gasp.

“Take it easy.” She immediately shifted her attitude from playful to worried. “How do you feel?”

“As if I've been hit by a rocket.”

“Not a rocket, but yes, you’ve been hit hard. You’ve suffered two broken ribs. And believe me, you were lucky, it could have been worse. Do you mind if I run some tests and see how you react?”

“No problem.”

While the woman was busy measuring his temperature, making him follow a small blue LED light with his gaze, and extracting some blood to examine later, he took advantage of the opportunity to observe her more closely. She had short black hair and green eyes, bright and lively in contrast to her very delicate skin. Killian found himself thinking of another pair of green eyes, which had been filling his thoughts frequently lately. The memory brought him back to reality quickly.

“What is this place?” He inquired, eager to know what had happened while he was unconscious.

“Welcome to Vernal-Den.” She answered smiling.

Killian tried to remember if he had ever read about this planet. “Never heard of it.”

“Yeah, we’re not very popular.”

Was she too concentrated on checking-in his vitals, or was she being too concise on purpose? He didn’t know, but he intended to keep an eye on her. “How long was I out?”

“A while.” Another elusive answer.

He decided to test the waters. “Were there ….other injured people with me?”

“If you’re referring to Henry and Emma, they are perfectly fine.” She seemed sincere. “They are staying at our place. Henry has visited you every day since you came in.”

“And Emma?”

“Well, she can’t come in. She’s not a relative of yours. But she has spent long hours sitting just outside that door.” She said pointing towards the exit. “I had to order her to go home and get some rest.”

After that she excused herself, saying that she had to attend to other patients.

He realized she hadn’t even told him her name. He didn’t know if he could trust her or not. The fact that she had avoided some of his questions sent chills down his spine. And most of all there was the Emma problem.

Why couldn’t she visit him? Was it true that it was only a matter of rules? Or was she in some kind of peril? He needed to know what was happening behind those doors that separated him from the woman that had been pestering his dreams in the last ten years of his life. He had to know that she was alright. To hell with rules! He thought. And by the way, when was the last time he followed one. He had to get out of this place. He tried to sit up, but the pain in his lungs was so strong that his vision started to blur and cold sweat formed on his temples. He lay back down on the bed, aware that in his conditions he couldn’t have gone far before collapsing unconscious on the floor. He promised himself to solve the problem as soon as he had enough strengths, but he couldn't dwell too much on that thought, because sleep was reclaiming his mind again.

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~·~·~·~

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Time passed very slowly, or so it seemed, but maybe it was simply the fact that every day looked the same. Killian was mostly asleep, probably due to the painkillers introduced through the IV, and when he woke up he couldn't tell how long he had been out, he couldn't even tell if it was day or night. There were no windows in that room.

During one of the moments when his mind regained consciousness, he felt the mattress drop slightly to one side and he slowly opened his eyes.

“You are awake! How do you feel? Can you breathe? Of course you can, you would be dead otherwise! Does it hurt?” Henry was sitting at the end of the bed, and he was asking a lot of questions, as usual. “Sorry.” He suddenly looked contrite. “I should let you rest, but…”

“It’s ok, lad.” Killian cut him off. “I’m glad to see you’re all in one piece.”

The boy greeted him with a wide grin.

Killian remembered the last moments before getting injured, and he was relieved to know that he had been able to prevent that rock from hitting Henry. But other worries crowded his mind. “How about your mom?”

“She’s fine. She’s outside. They won’t let her in. You know, only relatives and all that stuff.” He explained.

“I see. And why are you…?”

Henry didn’t let him finish the question. “I told them I’m your son.” He whispered with a conspiratory smile.

“Clever boy.” Killian’s chuckle turned soon into a cough due to the pain.

“Does it hurt?” The boy asked, frowning.

The man dismissed the question with a wave of his hand. “It’s not a big deal.” He didn’t want the lad to feel responsible for his well-being. “How many days have passed since we landed here?” He asked, changing the subject.

“I don't know exactly.” And at Killian’s questioning look, he added, “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“People live underground here,” The boy started to explain, “With no opportunity to look outside. And there are no clocks. My watch had probably broken when we arrived, it doesn’t work anymore.”

The man hummed, he was starting to understand. The lack of windows, the elusive answer he had received from the dark-haired nurse… everything was beginning to tally in Killian’s head. “I want you to think carefully about everything you saw outside this room. Did you feel something was wrong?”

The boy shrugged. “I don't know.” He seemed to ponder. “This place is strange. Lots of corridors and passages underground. We are not allowed to go out into the open. They say it’s dangerous. But I never felt a threat or something. I would rather say it’s boring.”

“Why boring?”

Henry was trying to find the right words to explain it. “All the days are the same, people repeat the same actions every day. They say it’s useful to maintain a routine. But I don’t think Mary Margaret and David are bad people.”

“I’m sorry, who?” Killian asked.

“Oh, yeah, Mary Margaret, she is your nurse. We’re staying at her home. She is very nice. And David is her husband. He showed me the greenhouse. It’s awesome and huge, you should see it! But I don’t think he works there. I don’t know what his job is.”

Routine? New people? A greenhouse? Well, that was a lot of information to process. But Killian felt sleep calling him back. Next time I see that lady Margaret, I’m going to ask her not to put more painkillers in my IV. He thought. “Thank you, Henry, for everything. But I may need to rest for a while now.” He managed to say before falling asleep again.

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~·~·~·~

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Emma knew Killian was feeling better, Henry had told her about their short chat, and some of her child's enthusiasm had even infected her positively, but she continued to feel restless, she wanted to make herself useful. Most of all, she wanted to see Killian again.

All this absurd situation was her fault. And no, she was not thinking about the fact that Killian was lying on a hospital bed because of some bad decisions she had made lately. No. She was not going down that path again. She had already spent a lot of hours regretting many choices done in the last month.

But this was nonsensical, why couldn’t she visit a friend that was hurt and maybe in need of some company? She had actually had a chance to say that she was his wife; after all in the eyes of her guests, she and Killian had a son together, so why not lie a bit more and make Mary Margaret believe that she and Killian were married. But the thought of a possible long time spent together on this planet feigning to be a happily married couple scared her, and she couldn’t go on with the lie.

So there she was, sitting on a very uncomfortable metal chair in the waiting room. She had spent more hours there than she could count.

David had passed by to greet his wife, and he had offered to take Henry with him, on the way back home. So she was left alone with her thoughts.

Mary Margaret peeked out the door with a steaming mug in her hand. “Take this. It will help.”

She agreed with a nod. “Thank you.” She sipped some of the hot liquid and it felt like her nerves were starting to relax a little.

“You should go home and rest. It's late.” The woman said.

“Mary Margaret let me enter.” Emma pleaded for the umpteenth time.

“We have already talked about it. You know I can’t do that. There are strict rules down here, and the best way for us to survive is to follow them.”

“This is insane. I’m not a dangerous criminal or someone who is plotting to destroy this planet. I just want to see him. Please.” She begged.

The dark-haired woman seemed to be pondering all the possible consequences. “All right.” She sighed. “Let’s just say that I’m going inside and leave the door ajar, by mistake, of course. I have to check some very important documents, so I’ll be busy and concentrated. I’m not going to ask you what you’re going to do in the next... fifteen minutes or so. Okay?”

“Thank you.” Emma handed her the cup back, rising from her chair. “You won’t regret it.”

After Mary Margaret disappeared behind the door, Emma waited some minutes before going after her. The room was large and there were many beds, she had no idea where Killian was, but after a quick look at the surroundings, she discovered that only a couple of all the beds were occupied.

She approached one of those and gently opened the curtain trying not to disturb the patient lying inside.

Killian seemed asleep. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes. She could only imagine the pain he was going through. She had her heart in her throat because she felt responsible for the situation. If they hadn't taken a detour because she had requested it, they'd probably all be home safe and sound by now.

“Hey, beautiful.” He greeted her with a painful grin.

Immersed as she was in her thoughts, she hadn't noticed that he had woken up. She smiled, trying to be strong and not show her inner turmoil. “Do they treat you well here?”

“I'm not complaining. The nurse is kind and the food is edible.” He tried to downplay the situation. “Although I would prefer the care and attention of a certain blonde.” He winked.

Emma chuckled. Then she went closer to him and sat down on the side of his bed, trying not to cause him any more pain. She looked him straight in the eye, and then, gently, she took his hand in hers, intertwining her fingers with his. She saw him swallow hard, and the beeping of his heartbeat accelerated on the monitor. She smiled softly again. “Thank you for saving my son’s life.”

She saw how he wet his lips before answering as if his mouth had been suddenly dry. “It was the right thing to do.” Was his answer, but his voice came out slightly choked.

Emma looked back, checking if any hospital employee was nearby, “I shouldn’t be here, and unfortunately my time is running out. But I wanted to see you... needed to see with my own eyes that you are ok... well, more or less.” She whispered, with her gaze lowered, avoiding eye contact. The physical connection of their joined hands was already arousing too many contradictory emotions inside her.

“Aye. I know the feeling.” He replied, letting her know that he had been eager to establish contact with her throughout his stay in the hospital.

At those words, she stared at him again. “Get well soon.” She bent down and dropped a mild kiss at the corner of his lips. “We need you.”

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~·~·~·~

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Killian was lying on his back staring at the ceiling. This time there was no way he would fall asleep again. Every time he thought about what had just happened his beeping monitor sped up. He blushed. It had been just a chaste kiss, nothing compared to the hot and breathtaking one they had shared a few days before. But she had said it had been a one-time thing and he had promised himself not to indulge in those lustful thoughts anymore. Yet, this last kiss had seemed much more real, and meaningful... it had left him with a feeling of hope.

Hope and distress. Emma was such a strong and beautiful woman, a marvelous creature, as he liked to describe her in his mind, and a princess even. And what was he? A rebel, and a scoundrel. Or a rapscallion... whatever. Okay, maybe not anymore, but he had been in the past, for many years. He had been trying to redeem himself lately. But was he worth enough of her? That was the million dollar question.

He was still ruminating on it when the known brunette peeked out the curtains. “Hello. How are you today?” She greeted him with a bright smile, as usual.

“Better.” He hoped the monitor on his right wasn’t showing his state of mind.

She came closer. “Do you mind if I check your ribs? It's time to change the dressing.” After a short pause, she added, “I'm sorry, but we don't have the best equipment to assist our patients. We have to work with what we have available on this planet.” She said pointing to the bands that covered his chest.

Killian nodded, and Mary Margaret started to untie the bandages. She seemed concentrated on her task, probably she was trying to avoid causing him any pain. It was only when she started to apply an ointment on the bruises, that she spoke again. “You love her.” It was just a whisper, and Killian doubted if he had heard correctly. But then she added “Emma.”

It wasn’t a question, and he pondered what was the correct answer, or if she was expecting one. “I'd go to the end of the world for her… Or the multiverse.” He said eventually.

“And she for you, I take it?”

Killian chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“What’s the problem?” She looked at him surprised. Then took some clean gauzes and started to wrap them on him.

“She's bloody brilliant, an amazing woman. She fights for her son and always does what’s right.” Killian’s voice was so full of admiration.

“Is there something wrong with it?” Mary Margaret inquired.

Killian shook his head again. “She raised the bar very high. The fact is, I don't think I measure up.”

The woman folded the old bandages and took the ointment bottle, then she stood up, she was making an exit when she stopped short. “Since you came here I've been watching you.”

“I don't know if I should be flattered or scared.” The man tried to ease the tension of the moment.

“We don’t have many foreigners on this planet, but believe me, you're not one of the bad guys. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of a young boy. There's good in your heart.” She smiled at him softly. “I’m going to look for the doctor; I bet you’ll be leaving this room soon.”

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~·~·~·~

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The following day started the same as the previous ones. But during the first hours of the evening a man in a white coat came to visit Killian. He explained the medications and precautions to be taken to him, some movements that he should avoid for a while, and other tips for a speedy recovery. Then he handed over some papers for the patient to sign to be discharged. Finally some good news.

After a while redressing and packing up his few belongings in his satchel Killian went to the door. Walking hurt a bit but nothing he couldn’t bear.

Mary Margaret was already waiting for him, and a tall blonde guy was with her. “You must be Jones.” He said. When they shook hands, Killian learned his name was David Nolan, and he remembered Henry had mentioned him in his conversations. “I’m going to take you to our humble abode.”

Nolan's house was in fact modest. A loft with a large dining room, a kitchenette, a bedroom, and a small bathroom on one corner, all open, without doors, except for the bathroom. There was a raised bedroom opposite it, whose access was a metal stair.

Dinner was good, if a little awkward. Emma didn't interact much, and Killian wanted to ask if something was troubling her, but he preferred to wait for a better time, perhaps a less crowded one. Henry entertained them with what he had done throughout the day and kept repeating how glad he was that Killian was back with them.

But the man was still a bit cautious with those new people around him. He didn’t know them, especially the Nolan guy, who had been silent for most of the dinner, glancing sidelong at him as if he wanted to study him thoroughly before making a personal judgment. The feeling was mutual, Killian thought.

Just after dessert, David started to speak. “What will you need to restore your ship?” He asked.

“Uh… a new stabilizer, I think, and some parts of the propulsion engine for sure. But I’ll have to look closely at the damages to be sure there’s nothing else broken.”

The blond man nodded. “Not many ships come and go from here. But I hope we can find all the pieces you need.”

“Thank you, mate.”

“Tomorrow I’ll take you to the hangar where your ship is. We’ll have a look at it.” He seemed sincere in his generosity.

“May I help?” Henry barged in.

A chorus of “No!” echoed the room.

“I appreciate the support, but it could be dangerous.” Killian explained.

“I hate being here. I feel trapped.” The boy complained.

Mary Margaret sighed. “This is a feeling that will vanish with time.”

The woman was no doubt trying to instill some optimism, but Killian didn't like the idea of staying in that place longer than necessary. “Well, then, let’s hope we could leave this planet before the feeling has entirely vanished.” He made a grin and passed his hand on his side.

“Time for resting.” The brunette stated although it sounded more like an order. “But before that, we should change those bandages. Emma, would you like to help me?”

“Me?” Emma, who had been silent and a bit on the sidelines all evening, seemed to re-emerge from wherever she’d gone.

“He won’t be able to do it by himself when you won’t live here anymore. It’s better if you learn how to help him.” Mary Margaret clarified.

Emma looked like she was going to object, but in the end, she asserted. “Sure.”

.

.

~·~·~·~

.

.

If a certain nervousness had taken hold of Emma as she climbed to the upstairs room, it disappeared the instant Mary Margaret helped Killian get rid of his shirt. That wasn’t a thorax, it was a nautical chart. Most of it was covered by gauze, but she could still spot many marks and scars.

There was a tattoo, two of them to be exact, but Emma saw just one at first. It was on his right forearm; it was a big red heart with a dagger running through and the name “Milah” across it. Emma made a mental note to ask him later who she was.

Mary Margaret showed her how to unfasten the bandages, and then she ordered her to stand behind him, to help better in removing them all.

On his back, Emma saw the second tattoo, on his right shoulder. It was an old nautical instrument she had read about in a book when she was younger, but she couldn’t remember the exact name. The drawing was beautifully detailed, even if it had faded, it was probably older than the other one, she thought.

And when all the gauze was out of the way, she saw them: tiny, blurred, old scars that studded most of his back. Emma wondered what kind of life he had to endure when he was very young.

Mary Margaret asked her to help with the ointment. She had already opened the bottle and was showing the blonde woman how much cream to use. But Emma wasn't listening, standing now in front of the man, her attention was caught by the glorious chest hair that was covering most of his torso.

Okay, there was also a big, horrible bruise on his right ribs, but Mary Margaret was saying that it seemed on the way to a fast recovery, if the yellow and purple veining was some indication.

Emma was ogling and she wasn’t ashamed of it either. The amount of hair decreased in the lower part of his chest, leaving a black trail that disappeared under the hem of his pants.

"See something you like?" Emma was abruptly taken back to reality by a smug Killian that was smirking at her while arching an eyebrow. She blushed. She was caught red-handed, but she couldn’t let him win. She took advantage of the fact that Mary Margaret was looking for something in a nearby drawer, to get closer to him. She looked at him lasciviously from under her lashes. “Maybe?” She purred.

Now it was his time to blush, he looked intently at his feet, but she found the bright red that appeared on his ears extremely endearing. Point for Emma.

Mary Margaret taught the other woman how to fix the bandages, and Emma had to use some tiny hooks to hold them together. She did not miss the opportunity to casually slide her fingers over a part of his chest hair that came out of the bandages.

“Bloody Hell!” Killian muttered.

Emma retreated her hand immediately. “Sorry. Did I hurt you?” Worries that she had done something wrong clouded her gaze.

“Apologies.” Killian was scratching behind his ear, in evident embarrassment. “While I do enjoy two lovely ladies attending to my needs, I'm not used to someone taking care of me…” He smiled and brought his mouth close to Emma’s ear: “I’m usually the one who devotes full attention to a woman’s needs.” He whispered, but clearly not as quietly as he would have liked, because Mary Margaret's answer - “Well, you will have to put that off for a while” - made him blush again like a schoolboy scolded by his teacher.

.

.

~·~·~·~

.

.

Suddenly it was bedtime. Everyone was busy making preparations and taking shifts for the bathroom to change for the night. Killian was upstairs, staring at the bed he knew he had to share with Emma, who was arranging a pillow on the nearby sofa. He passed a hand through his hair and then scratched a spot behind his right ear. “I'll crash on that couch.” He stated as if it was the most logical conclusion to a battle he was fighting inside.

“Don't be ridiculous,” she scoffed. “It's barely long enough for Henry. Plus, you’re still recovering, you absolutely need to rest.”

He didn't seem very convinced. “Emma, I'm not sure this is a good idea.”

“And why is that?” Was her exasperated reply, turning towards him with her hands on her hips. “What are you going to do? Seduce me with a couple of broken ribs and a ten-year-old boy sleeping next to us?”

He lifted his arms and surrendered. “Fair point.” He conceded.

In no time they were all ready for the night and Henry was snoring softly on the sofa. Killian was supine, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the events of the day. In any case, sleep had no intention of coming, but he tried not to move. He didn’t want to wake up his roommates. Emma was lying close with her back to him and he didn’t know if she was already in the arms of Morpheus.

He turned his head to observe how her upper body moved with the rhythm of her breathing, blond curls covering her shoulders. Killian had to repress the urge to touch them. And as if responding to his call, she stirred and turned to face him.

Her eyes opened lazily. “Still awake?” She murmured.

“I have the feeling that I’ve slept enough for the rest of my life.” He whispered. “But you can’t rest either, I see.”

She didn’t answer.

Perhaps it was the closeness, perhaps it was the fact that they had spent the last few days apart. Killian didn't know how he found the courage, but he lifted his left arm as an invitation. “Come here,” he said.

She seemed to ponder the situation, chewing her bottom lip. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He decided not to think about all the possible implications of that sentence. He was falling in love with her, he was aware of it. Probably the simple doubt that she might not reciprocate was already hurting him, but he knew that at that moment she was referring only to his physical bruises. “You won’t.”

She slipped under the sheets towards him, resting her head gently on his left shoulder and placing a hand on his chest, avoiding the bruised part. Not many minutes passed before her lids grew heavy and she dozed off to the rhythm of his heartbeats. Killian placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

[bellasharifuddin]

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha. 

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[victorluvsalice]

Forgotten Vows Friday: Favorite Moments, Part IV

It's my BIRTHDAY! :D And much like the 13th was the perfect day to talk about the darkest moments I love in this series, I think today is the perfect day to talk about the brightest moments -- aka, my absolute favorite favorites. I don't think any of you are going to be surprised by this list:

1. Forgetting You, Chapter 9: Splatter Gets What He's Owed -- Victor punching Jack Splatter and rescuing Alice from the burning Mangled Mermaid -- Okay, first of all, I like this chapter in general because it was one of the first I did after getting some solid writing tips from reading the first book of the Riverworld series (namely, "I do not want to write like this"), and I feel it represents a big jump in quality in my storytelling. And this particular moment -- oh, it was satisfying to finally give Splatter exactly what he deserved for hitting Alice! (Which is, uh, kind of why I kept doing it. XD) Not to mention I threw myself into properly describing the burning Mermaid and Victor's rescue of Alice, and I feel it turned out beautifully. (I still like "If the exterior of the Mangled Mermaid was a glimpse at Pastor Galswells's favorite vision of Hell, the interior was the full Time-Of-Judgment-Featuring-Dante-And-Virgil experience.") Not to mention I liked letting Victor play the hero for Alice, as she was going to be playing the hero for him for much of the rest of the verse!

2. Forgetting You, Chapter 24: Confrontation At Moorgate Station -- Victor punching Bumby during the brief moment he broke free of his control -- Speaking of satisfying moments where someone gets what they deserve. . .ooh, this felt good to write after Chapter 22! Bumby obviously deserves worse, but that moment where it becomes clear he never truly broke Victor -- well, Alice wasn't the only one bouncing up and down in delight. XD

3. Forgetting You, Chapter 25: Into Londerland -- Alice shoving Bumby in front of the train -- Obviously I have to include what is also one of my favorite moments in Alice: Madness Returns itself. I was so worried that he was going to get away scott-free, and then Alice took matters into her own hands, and it was great. And I think I did a good job in translating the moment into text, particularly Bumby's shock as Alice turns to face him as her Wonderland self. (Which he definitely saw her as, thanks to my Alice having a natural talent for a certain disguise spell. . .) Not to mention the exchange right before she shoves him:

"Could you kill a fly?" echoed in her head, the Dollmaker trying to get in one last shot from beyond the grave.

I can kill a lot more than that, she replied, and used her free hand to give Bumby one good, hard shove.

Eeee~ So good.

4. Remembering You, Chapter 13: Taking Back The Crown -- Victor defeating the Bumby Heart within the Wall, and regaining his memories -- Again, more satisfying moments against Bumby -- or, at least the remnant of him still left in Victor's head. The whole fight against the Wall, with Victor wielding Alice's weapons against the Ruin, was great to write, but the final battle? Victor clawing his way back from the edge of oblivion thanks to remembering Alice's eyes? The memory of getting the fork from Ms. Plum becoming the initial form of the Vorpal Fork? Victor staring the Heart down as it starts panicking? The "MY! NAME! IS! VICTOR!" line right before he stabs it?! *chef's kiss* That was so good, both to write and to read afterward. :D And then afterward, designing the first form of his Otherland -- the sweet little forest where his memories come back? That was a great way to destress after the fight. Just what Victor and I needed.

5. Remembering You, Chapter 14: So Kiss Me – Victor and Alice's first kiss -- It's their first kiss I'm not supposed to pick this? XD More seriously, this was a sweet and wonderful moment to finally write. And it probably helps that I took some inspiration from one of my favorite Disney movies, Enchanted -- you know how Victor picks up Alice and spins her around a bit? I had in mind Giselle getting spun around by Prince Edward when they reunite in Robert's apartment. (Yeah, I know, wrong couple, but I still thought it was a cute moment!) After so much time spent with them either pining but shoving down their feelings, or being utterly oblivious, or being in love but struggling past lingering mental issues. . .damn, it just felt good to have them finally smooch.

6. Fixing You, Chapter 7: Heck Though Ain't It Grand – Alice's reunion with Lizzie in the Land of the Dead -- I know this was one of the two "big moments" everyone wanted to see in the series, and I was more than happy to deliver. Mostly because it was a moment I wanted to see myself. Setting up the surprise of Lizzie being Burtonsville, not in Oxford, was a lot of fun in-universe, and the actual moment when the two sisters saw each other again – even I "awwwed" internally when they flung themselves into each other's arms. :) It was just so heartfelt. . . The follow-up hug between Alice and her parents when they finally reach the Ball & Socket is great too. Just – I know this is the thing Alice has wanted most ever since the series began, and I was thrilled to give it to her. (And this leading to the final defeat of that damned Jabberwock was a great bonus! Call that an "honorable mention" on this list.)

7. Fixing You, Chapter 10: The Grand Wonderland Tour – Victor and Alice's tour of Wonderland – Yes, the entire chapter. This is the other big thing everyone wanted, and, again, more than happy to deliver. This whole chapter is probably my favorite in the whole series, just because I had so much fun coming up with stuff for Victor and Alice to do in all the various domains! It was like a "greatest hits" of every fun "Victor and Alice in Wonderland" scenario I've ever thought of! :D Personal favorites within the chapter itself are the mine cart ride in the Village of the Doomed (it was fun going back to AMA, coming up with a special suit and dress for the mains for the "domain," and it was very interesting to look up stuff on early roller coasters!), Victor and Alice building a sand castle in the Music Fish's "Choral Coral" spot (that's my personal favorite bit in the Deluded Depths when it comes to the scenery, and it brought back fond memories of being on the beach and watching Mom make sand sculptures), the battle against the Army Ants (more fun with AMA stuff, and a good opportunity to show the pair's battle skills – not to mention, I love the way they got the Ants to back off in the end), and Victor and Alice's race through Cardbridge (again, my favorite level in A:MR, and them just getting to play like kids in this beautiful world was -- I swear, I was smiling and squeeing so much writing that bit. . .). But the whole thing was fantastic, and I think well-worth the wait!

8. Fixing You Chapter 16: Round Three: The Conglomeration. . .and Thirteen – Victor redeeming Thirteen, and the full creation of his Otherland afterward -- I like the whole sequence in Silent Burtonsville (Victor going Hysteria to kill the Colossal Nell when she threatens Alice is definitely an “honorable mention” moment), but the final confrontation definitely makes favorite. Victor and Alice finally recognizing just what it is he's struggling with, and Alice convincing Victor that the only one who sees himself as a monster is him, leading to him forgiving himself. . .ooooof. It just hits you right in the feels, doesn't it? The moment of him hugging his corrupted self, whispering that he doesn't hate him? How could you not sniffle, seriously? And then, after Thirteen's redemption back into Desire, the whole bit where Victor starts getting into what he actually wants his Otherland to look like. . .once again, had so much fun doing the descriptions! I was as enthusiastic as Victor about the whole thing! And Victor's joy at seeing the Living Dead Forest come to life outside the window? So much squee, seriously. Love it.

9. Fixing You, Chapter 18: A Day For A Glorious Wedding – Victor and Alice's wedding – Again, this is their wedding, I wasn't supposed to pick it?! XD I'm pretty sure we were all VERY READY for this to finally go down by the time it happened, and I was just thrilled to finally put it to paper. I mean, I'd had Victor's reaction to Alice's dress stored away in a "notes" file for ages, but to actually get them in front of that registrar, do the vows, go back to Houndsditch and have that cake. . .it did my heart good, seriously. Especially that moment when Victor hears Alice say her vows back to him, and all he can think is that he didn't want to cry. . . Even if it wasn't necessarily the most "romantic" way to get married, I still just wanted to sweep them up in a big hug and weep for a while. XD And then the reception afterwards in the Land of the Dead, with Victor and Alice getting a surprise party from their dead loved ones, Victoria finally getting a chance to see the place, June reuniting with her mother and meeting her brother, and the kids giving Victor his pictures back? I don't think I could have ended that story any more perfectly.

10. A Wedding, A Wedding, We're Going To Have A Wedding, Chapter 7: In A World Of Our Own – Victor and Alice's Wonderland reception – Honestly, the whole fic is a win for me (as probably evidenced by the way it kept growing chapters), but the last bit, which was a complete last-minute "oh hey, if I did a Land of the Dead reception for Victor and Alice, I should do a Wonderland one too!" is just – so full of fluff, I swear. I wasn't expecting it to be so squee-inducing and squishy when I first came up with the idea, but. . .Alice's Wonderland and Victor's Otherland merging like they do, with the inhabitants of both their minds teaming up to give them a party? Showing once and for all they've stopped beating themselves up about stuff for the most part? Awwwwww. . .the bit that really gets me, though, is the very last part:

[. . .] Victor turned to offer Alice his arm as the various citizenry hurried off through the combined woods –

Then paused. A playful grin crossed his face. "What?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow. "What are – Oh!"

Alice automatically grabbed for his neck as he suddenly scooped her up into his arms. "Oh," she repeated, trying to get her bearings. "Er – any particular reason for giving me a lift?"

"Well, you're my new wife," Victor told her, adjusting his grip. He nodded at the join between their two worlds, the Vale of Tears and the Living Dead Forest mingling in perfect harmony. "Aren't I supposed to carry you over the threshold?"

Oh, he was such a sap – and she loved him for it. "You are," she confirmed, snuggling into him. "If you would, Mr. Liddell?"

"My pleasure, Mrs. Van Dort."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH – no I DON'T know why that affects me so much but it FREAKING DOES. It just – ooof. *flops* Best way to end anything about their wedding, I swear.

And that covers it! All my favorite moments in the Forgotten Vows Verse! :D Hopefully you guys saw a few of your favorites in here as well. . . I'll see you all in the New Year! With any luck, we'll get some more content for this world, and maybe even a few more favorite moments. :)

[imaginexmeintheuniverse]

An X Co. Xmas

12 Days of Christmas OTP Challenge

Day 1: Character A and Character B, sworn enemies, are chosen to prepare the company Christmas Party.

A/N: well this is starting off great im already late on the first day, but i was getting wrecked by uni and wanted to do some research first so please correct me if i made any mistakes concerning Hanukkah! This is actually so long but I had a lot of fun writing it <3 Also i recently started binge watching the office and i just finished my finals which incidentally was for management so here goes!

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i. an infuriating announcement

"You're shitting me, Ro," you deadpan, already feeling like giving up. "Can't someone else do it? Anyone?!"

"Sorry, the rest of the team already have their assignments for the month, and this is yours— and Peter's."

Being in charge of the big X Company Christmas party is an event you've wanted to take the lead on since you joined this department, but being paired up with none other than Peter Maximoff, makes this the best opportunity and the worst case scenario.  

"But he's an idiotic man-child!" You're not even sure how he made his way up to being part of this project management team. You assume it must have something to do with his father being co-chairman of the company. "Yesterday he ordered fifteen pizzas under my name!"

"To be fair, you did glue all his pens and pencils together last week," she smirks, and lets out a small laugh at the memory. "In any case, the project groups for this month have been divided by aptitudes and experience like they always are, and you two ended up together because everyone else was matched up with other projects. I know you two don't exactly get along the best, but upper management is on my ass and the rest of the team is already totally booked with the hectic holiday season."

"Is there anything you can do?"

"Sorry, babe," she apologizes, and give you a sympathetic lopsided smile.

"What's the use of being best friends with the boss if I can't get sorted with a better partner," you grumble with a playful smile, because you obviously love Ororo, but you're not sure how long you'll last without wanting to do something that might land you in HR.

"If it's any consolation, he's not thrilled about being your partner either."

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ii. an idiotic man-child

"This obviously isn't working out—"

"We can't agree on anything—"

"You two are supposed to be coordinating this event together—" Ororo ducks her head between her hands and exhales out of exasperation as she rubs her temples.

"She locked me in the conference room!"

"He put all my office supplies in Jell-O!"

"You need to stop bickering like children and get your shit together!" She stands from her desk, chiding you and Peter. You both sit in adjacent chairs in front of her and you feel like you're back and school and have landed yourself in the principal's office. "I can't be babysitting you constantly, so you'll just have to pull it together and figure it out before you get kicked off this team!"

You and Peter nod in unison, and then exchange side glares at each other when Ororo is sitting back down. She is an amazing manager, and to be fair you and Peter had spent the last thirty minutes complaining about one another, so it's understandable that her patience is running thin.

She takes a moment to collect herself, smoothing out her skirt and tucking a loose strand of hair back into her tight bun. "As I've told you before, it's too late to add or exchange team members with their assignments this month, but I can give you the intern to help you out."

"Kurt?"

"Yes, I've already sent him a memo and he'll be back in the bullpen waiting for you." With that, she dismisses you, and you walk out of her office with Peter following right behind you.

"I hope you don't plan on nagging the intern to death, wouldn't want to scare the poor kid away," he taunts you, catching up to your quicker walking pace to beside you.

"I hope you can actually do your job for once, so that he won't have to do it for you," you retort, without even glancing his way.

"Chill, princess—"

"We don't all have a boss for a father who will help us float to the top— I had to work my ass off to get here and I'm not going to let you drag me down!" You're fuming, and judging by the slight falter in his usual smirk, you think you might have gone too far.

He doesn't say anything for a moment, and then you see Kurt smiling and waving at both of you from across the room. You offer him an awkward smile and Peter gives him a weak wave, both of you dampened from your exchange.

There's no point in wasting any more time with the fast-approaching deadline, so you turn to him, totally neutral and say, "We have work to do, let's just delegate tasks and check up on each other later."

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iii. an unmethodical arrangement

"Damn it!" Peter shouts from his desk, and you look up at him from your computer, distracted by his sudden outburst. He slams the phone back into place in hanging up, and you raise an eyebrow at him. "That's the third band to cancel," he says, exhaling slowly to calm himself down.

He was in charge of music, and as the project deadline approaches with the holidays, it's getting harder to lock down on services. Even you're having a hard time trying to find a restaurant that's available to cater. You decide to give your tired eyes a rest by closing your monitor and leaning back in your chair, blinking a few times to adjust to more favourable lighting.

You're both exhausted from running around all day, and you already sent the intern home a few hours ago. Furthermore, watching the sun set so early through the widow walls, and always having to work so many hours after dark has been getting really depressing. Despite it being demanding and requiring crazy hours, you do love this job.

"Tell me about it, all the restaurants are long overbooked."

There's a moment where all you hear is the clicking of Peter's fingers gliding over the keyboard and then he speaks up, "My mom is friends with this restaurant owner who owes her a favour." He turns his monitor to show you a simplistic webpage. "It's a small family business, they're not going to be booked because they don't advertise their catering service, and they have a menu that can suit all kinds of food restrictions."

"That's great!" you exclaim, taking note of the restaurant name. "Okay, now we just need to find the music." You let out a low sigh, and pull out your planning binder to hopefully gain some inspiration or answers. This fails you, as you end up merely staring blankly at the flipping pages— that is until you fall on one in particular that could help you out. "Hey Peter," you call out to him, and he stops spinning to face you. "What about Warren?"

"What about Warren?" He asks, curious as to why you're bringing up your old teammate. You worked on a lot of projects with Warren before he got promoted to higher management last year.

"He has a bunch of connections, and he hired this great DJ for one of the big fundraisers last year. Why don't we ask him?"

"That's actually not a bad idea, I'll email him." Peter smiles, scribbling on a sticky note and posting it on his computer screen. "But I'll take care of that tomorrow morning," he thinks out loud. "Can we meet earlier tomorrow morning?"

Glancing at the clock, you wonder why the hell he would want to meet earlier since you two have been working so late. "Why?"

"Hanukkah starts tomorrow," he answers simply. "It's already been approved by management, but we are partners so I just wanna make sure you're cool with it."

"Yeah, that's fine," you reply, giving him a small smile. Honestly, this is the longest you two have gone without bickering, but it actually feels nice to be getting along with him.

"All right, I'm gonna call it quits for tonight," he says, gathering his bag and coat. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, Y/N."

"Have a good night."

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iv. an evening before

Everything since those little speed bumps you hit concerning the music and food has run really smoothly, and you and Peter have been getting along a lot better since that late night in the office. You developed a steady work flow and actually found yourself laughing at some of his lame jokes. Peter was surprised when he realized that he no longer subconsciously rolled his eyes every time you opened your mouth, and he'd feel himself light up when you greeted him in the morning.

"I think everything should be fine," Peter announces, as you check off the items on the task list.

"All the services are on schedule, and the design department is putting the final touches in the hall," Kurt reports, tucking a few stray papers back into his planner.

"All right, then you may be dismissed, we'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning to greet the caterers and waiting staff." Kurt nods, and bids you and Peter a good evening before heading off into the gentle snowfall of NYC. "We finished with an hour to spare," You smile at Peter who loosens his tie as you both gather your things and head out of the building together. "It'll give me extra time to try not to stress out about tomorrow."

Peter chuckles, and nods in agreement to your statement. "I'll be able to go surprise my sister and pick her up from school."

"You have a sister?"

"Yeah, my little sister, Wanda, she's in middle school and hates the school bus."

"I totally understand, the bus is another kind of hell."

He opens his mouth to say goodbye, but then you remember that you had something for him, and you reach into your bag to pull out a present tied up in a pretty satin bow. "Before you go, I have something for you," you say shyly, not sure why you feel a heat creeping up to your cheeks when you notice how charming Peter looks with snowflakes resting delicately on his dark eyelashes.

"What's this for?" He asks, curious about the neatly wrapped box you place in his hands.

"Today is the last day of Hanukkah isn't it?"

"Yeah," he confirms, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

He tears the wrapping off, opens the box, and pulls out the dreidel you put inside. "I'm sorry, it's kind of lame— you probably have a ton of them."

"No, this is really great," he says with a smile, turning the top in his hands to admire the craftsmanship. You happened to walk past a kiosk with handmade dreidels when you had to take a different way home the previous night, and couldn't help but notice how pretty they were. "Thank you, Y/N."

A few seconds pass by awkwardly where you're both smiling, but aren't sure what to do, until Peter leans forward and wraps his arms around you, pulling you into a hug. The foreign affection from him is completely new, but surprisingly warm, comfortable, and welcome. You've just let yourself melt into the hug when he breaks off, and it's like you've been snapped out of a daze and left out in the cold. Still feeling slightly disoriented, you wish him a happy Hanukkah, and leave it at that before you make a fool of yourself. You start to head off towards the subway when Peter calls out to you.

"Do you—" He hesitates for a moment, unsure of what he's asking exactly.

"Did you say something?" You turn back around to face him and he stutters for a moment, because the sun shining perfectly on your features with snow falling all around you has him unable to process anything else around him. "Peter?"

"D-Do you want to come? I figure it's better than trying not to stress out at home alone."

Your lips curve up into a smile and you're not even conscious of how much your heart rate has picked up yet. Everything is sorted for the company party tomorrow, and you've discovered that Peter isn't too bad to be around, so what's the harm?

"Sure."

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v. an important night

"Wow—" Peter utters breathlessly, stunned by the sight of you entering the hall. Last time he saw you was less than a half hour ago, and he'd be lying if he were to say that he weren't impressed by your quick transformation. Just moments ago you were running around in your work clothes, with a clipboard and unruly hairs sticking out in all wrong places. Now that the party's started and everything is running smoothly, you seem a lot more calm and managed to fix up your hair and makeup flawlessly. He hadn't seen your dress yet, and even though he thought you were still the prettiest person in the room in your stressed out mess, you're definitely a showstopper now.

"You should wipe the drool off your chin before Y/N notices," Scott smirks at Peter as he walks up to him with Jean on his arm. As if on cue, you notice Peter and your other team members from across the room and wave at the group, a smile gracing your lips that makes Peter weak in the knees. Scott, of course, notices this and feels the need to tease him about it. "If I didn't know how much you two hate each other's guts, I'd think you might actually like each other as more than just archenemies."

"Scott, leave the poor guy alone," Jean chimes in, grinning playfully. "He obviously has it bad."

"You guys don't know what you're talking about." Peter runs a hand through his silver hair that's neatly coiffed for once. "Y/N and I are just partners on this event, and then everything is going to go back to normal," He laughs it off, despite what he just said settling uncomfortably in his mind. Working with you over the last few weeks has brought out the best in both of you; you've been getting along great, even having a couple of inside jokes, and last night he had so much fun. The way your eyes would light up with genuine interest as you listened to his explanations of the rituals, how well you seemed to fit in with his family, and Wanda, she adored you. He found himself frequently gazing at you with a goofy grin on his face, not even realizing he was staring until you'd make eye contact with him, and then he'd get all flustered from being caught.

All this to say that he's very confused about his feelings. He likes the relationship akin to friendship the two of you have developed, but he also feels something more. The thought that makes him more uncomfortable is: what will happen when this is over? Will you just be disbanded and assigned to different projects after? Will you go back to being at each other's throats, will you still be friendly with each other, or will you just never speak again unless you're assigned to the same project again?

"Peter, you need to calm down." Jean interrupts his overthinking, offering him a comforting smile. "Go ask her to dance."

"It's like you read my mind," He shoots her a wink and finishes off his drink before heading off in your direction.

"Hey Peter," You greet him after excusing yourself from a group conversation. "This is going great isn't it?"

"Y-Yeah, it's awesome."

"Who would've known we'd make a half-decent team?" You grin at him playfully, and also notice that he seems a little spaced out. "Are you okay, Maximoff?"

"Do y-you wanna dance?"

"It would be my pleasure," You extend your hand, and he takes it in his larger one, leading you to the dance floor where he slips his other arm around your waist. He starts to guide you is slow circles, feet following the rhythm of the smooth tune. Throughout the course of the song, your bodies get closer to one another, and you hope he can't tell how warm your cheeks are upon realizing this. "Wow, Peter, where'd you learn to dance like this?"

"My, uh, mom made me take lessons when I was younger," he says sheepishly, a blush creeping its way onto his face.

"I'm impressed."

The song ends, and you thank each other for the dance. This is the when you'd normally break apart, but neither of you moves— neither of you wants to. The next song starts to play and you're the only ones not moving on the dance floor.

"You look amazing, by the way," he tells you, and you feel like you're lungs are failing you.

"Thanks, you clean up real nice yourself." Another few seconds go by without anything happening, other than the tension continuously building.

"Well- th-thanks for the dance, a-and being a good partner."

Peter mentally slaps himself as you smile and start to walk off the dance floor. There's obviously something there, why didn't he do anything? Idiot. Just when he thinks he's blown his only chance, you spin on your heel and march back to the spot he hasn't moved from, pull him down by the shoulders to press your lips against his. He barely has time to process what's happening before you pull back, leaving him reeling.

"Whoa," is all he can manage to get out. It was only a few seconds, but your kiss took all the air out of his lungs.

"May I have this dance?" You ask nervously, taking a shot at the dark, hoping he feels the same way you do.

He doesn't say anything else, unable to keep the goofy grin off his face. Instead of speaking, he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you flush against his body and leans in for another kiss. His soft lips move against yours gently, and as you let your eyes flutter shut, you feel that same warmth as when he first hugged you the previous night.

When you break apart, neither of you can keep the smiles off your face, and you happily let him lead you in circles on the dance floor.

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vi. an extra scene

Peter hugs you from behind and presses a quick kiss to your cheek before heading to his desk.

"Congrats you two!" You and Peter both jump at Ororo's less-than-subtle entrance. "The party was a hit, and upper management wants to add you to the New Year fundraiser event planning team!"

You both thank her for the opportunity and accept the detail files she hands you.

"Oh, and congrats for the other thing too," She says, gesturing between you and Peter. "You know what that means, right?"

"We get a raise for organizing the party of the year?" Peter half-jokingly suggests.

"Real funny," she chuckles, making her way to her office. "You're going to have to file this with HR, now."

[h3llostrang3r]

A Lifetime to Remember

Perfect Match 

Pairing: Dames x Mc Summary: One-Shot.Melina Park is searching for Dames. Word Count: 3,800 Warnings: Language,Sexual content implied(I don’t think it’s anything more explicit than what you would find in a Choices 30 diamond scene.) Notes: I miss Dames. I still haven’t forgiven PB. I give them all my monies and they couldn’t give me Dames during the finale. 

Do you ever have the feeling that someone is watching you? You know, when you get those urges to look over your shoulder even though no one has called out your name. Did you really see something out of the corner of your eye or was your mind playing tricks? Or when you suddenly look up from whatever you were concentrating on because you could just feel a pair of eyes locked on to you. Like you can just feel the heat from their body and it sends a thrilling chill right through you? I have been feeling this more and more every day for the past few months.

Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. But it feels so incredibly real to me.

I’ve spent countless hours online searching for him…

Keegan hasn’t spoken to me since we took down Rowan and Cecile. She won’t give me any information on what happened to him. I’ve reached out to her and those I’ve found connected to her, but nothing. I don’t know why she’s ignoring me, I proved myself to her before - that I’m on her and all the matches side.

No signs of him and no body found. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I can’t think the worst. I refuse. I know he’s stronger than that. I need to know if Keegan or someone was able to fix his programing, he could have lost so much of what he had by now. He has to be out there somewhere …

That’s why I have spent so much of my down time online. Throwing myself out there. My online alias spreading like wildfire, ThePurpleHairPark. I’m in chat rooms, forums, social media outlets - there’s always someone watching,reading,lurking from behind their screen. The world knows about the matches and there are so many out there helping them. So there has to be someone that has seen him. All I need is one person to point me in the right direction. Or he can come find me. I know he knows how to. Or at least his past memories would.

Can anyone help me? Actually help me? The conspiracies, the theories, they’re insightful, but I need something more.

Where are you, Dames?

Please. I need you …

Melina sits back in her chair staring at the screen. She sighs heavily before she deletes the plead and publishes her newest post to her open forum. Her purple hair slightly covers her face as she hangs her head low. Some strand clinging to her cheeks as tears start to roll down her face. After a deep breath she wipes the tears and gets up to refill on her iced tea.

Melina was at the coffee shop close by to her apartment almost every day. Always getting looks from the customers coming in and out of the shop. She was never quite sure what they thought of her and her laptop sitting in her favorite spot by the window. She didn’t really care, she just wanted to make sure that she could be seen. Her goal was to be seen by him, by Dames.

As Melina stood in line, she checked her phone. No missed calls or texts from Damien. He had been so busy with work since they saved the President, she was thrilled that Damien’s business was booming, but it made it harder for them to make time for each other. They didn’t mind their low-key nights in just them, some takeout (Melina’s cooking still not improving, whoops) and a movie while snuggling on the couch. Yet, with Damien’s ever growing case files he would often come home, grab a snack and head straight to bed. Damien was still supportive of Melina spending time with Hayden, but even she seemed to be too busy for Melina lately.

Melina orders her iced tea - which is on the house, her friend Lily is now working at the register. Lily gives her a wink and flashes her a smile as she shoos Melina along. Melina mouths a, “thank you” as goes to wait for her drink.

Melina never minded being alone and single. There was always something to do, always a way to entertain herself or keep busy until she heard from one of her friends. So why was it now, when she had two loves in her life she felt most lonely? Even Nadia found time to be with Steve and his… abs. Luckily, her cousin would always make time for her at least once a week. But ever since they came out from hiding from Eros’ radar , life never went back to being carefree for Melina.

Her heart had been so full from being loved without judgement from two amazing people in her life, but now that love - where did it go? Had she expected too much? Was it unreasonable of her to want to see them more than 2 or 3 times a week? Melina’s mind often drifted to Dames when she was alone. There was still that spot in her heart reserved just for him. Which often ached at the thought of him, not knowing where he was or if he was even okay.

She had to find him. She needed the answer. Even if he didn’t want to see her again or even want to be with her, she just wanted him to be okay.  

Her name is called and she grabs her rather large drink and heads back to her spot. She stares at her computer a few moments - and there. That feeling. Her face grows warm, her heart begins to beat a little faster, the hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. Her eyes look up from under her long eyelashes - slowly scanning the faces in front of her, nothing. She slowly turns her head to the left, no one looking at her. Her back is against a wall so it definitely was not coming from behind. Melina bites her lip as she returns her gaze back to her computer. No, no, that feeling is still there.

She froze - too scared to turn her head again. Move your damn head, Melina. Do it. She ordered herself internally. Did her body know something her mind didn’t? She blinked and a tear began to fall. Exhale, Melina - slowly she let out the breath she was holding. Her body relaxed and she allowed herself to look to her right, out the window she always had to sit by.

There he was across the street, just staring at her with his hands in his pockets and a sad look on his face. That creep, that handsome fucking creep.

“Dames…” she breathlessly says out loud. Her eyes grow wide, she has to hurry or she’ll miss him. RUN she screams in her head, RUN MELINA. She scrambles out of her seat, almost knocking her laptop off the table, but she doesn’t care. Her feet threaten to trip over each other, but she corrects herself. She pushes the coffee shop door open hard and fast, if there was someone about to get hit there was no way she was going to notice. She looks across the street again, he’s not there.

No. Fuck this noise. He’s not getting away without saying a word to me.

Melina’s feet take her to the busy New York street. Her first few steps are in the clear. “Dames” she cries out with every ounce of her heart and soul. “Dames, please.” Her next few steps just miss a car passing by. Her head is spinning, the cars honking in the background seem so far away. The yelling from the other pedestrians not even registering. Her feet stay planted in the street as she frantically looks as to which direction he could have gone.

The honking becomes louder and louder, her ears now pounding. That’s when she looks to her right and coming straight for her is a yellow taxi. Time starts to slow, her breath catches - she can’t move, she wants to scream. Then the feeling, when you can feel the heat of their body against yours. Except this time - it’s real. Her focus goes to him, but is blurred in a flash.

Dames grabs her at incredible speed and throws them both safely to the sidewalk. He envelopes her in his strong arms and shields her from the fall on to the hard concrete. Her legs sting, but that pain is far away from her mind. He holds her for a long time, her face nuzzled in his chest. Her arms tucked between their bodies, her hands gripping for dear life onto his jacket. She inhales his scent, that mix of cologne and rum that reminds her of that blissful night in Paris. In his arms felt so right, she could melt into his touch and not move for hours - but she could live without the dirty sidewalk.

“Dames…” She manages to whisper, “I thought I lost you.” Her body trembles in his arms as the reality hits her. He is here, he is real, he is alive.  She lifts her head from it’s safe space. Oh what she would give to kiss along that jaw and to his mouth. To sink into his lips and wrap her arms around him and never let go.

“Melina what the hell were you thinking?” His face so close to hers, his eyes filled with concern. He brings his hand up to her face to brush back her hair and it lingers as he cups her jaw. Did he dare move his face any closer? Threatening to crash his lips against hers and tangle his hands in her hair, bringing her closer to him and never leave her again.

Before she can answer they are being helped up by onlookers. Her gaze doesn’t move from him, she’s not losing him again. She thanks them and brushes them off as she moves closer to him - if he tries to run she thinks she can be quick enough to grab him by the jacket.

“Please, Dames. Just come to my apartment. Y-you don’t have to s-stay. I …” She drops her head for a moment as she lets out a deep sigh. Looking into his eyes - God, is this real? Is he really in front of me? She says, “I just want to know you’re okay. Our last talk to each other, that wasn’t fair - it wasn’t right. That’s not how things were suppo-”

“Melina…” The way he said her name made her heart skip a beat. “I’ll come with you. We can talk, I promise.” She nodded her head, still in disbelief. Instinctively, her hand intertwined with his. “Do you want to grab your laptop?” He asked as he motioned to the coffee shop.

“I’m not crossing that street again, today. I’ll text Lily to hang on to it for me.”

**

The walk back to Melina’s apartment was silent, apart from the noise from the city, but it didn’t phase either of them. Absentmindedly their thumbs would graze one anothers - fingers still laced together. When they reached her apartment Melina led the way, giving her hips an extra sway for him as they climbed the stairs. She wanted him to watch, and she knew he would. It took her a moment to fetch her keys from her crossbody purse and unlock her door, the adrenaline was kicking in again. This is a part of her life Dames hasn’t experienced first hand. This moment would be intimate one for both of them.

They made their way inside, Dames moved towards her living room, taking it all in. With her eyes closed, Melina slowly closed the door imagining Dames moving closer to her. His hands on either side of the door frame, closing in on her. His chest pressed against her back, his pelvis against her backside, and his lips hovering so close to her ear. She would turn around to face him and that’s when he would press her hard against the door, his lips kissing hers and his hands gripping her hips as hers would tug on his collar.

“This is a really nice place, Melina.” Dames says, snapping Melina out of her thoughts.

“Ya, thanks. Over here is the kitchen… Where I keep the rum. I need a shot, do you want a shot?” Her heart is beating so fast, her hands begin to shake. She makes her way to the cupboards and pulls out two shot glasses and his favorite rum. He sits on a barstool on the other side of her counter, one elbow propped up.

“Melina, are you alright?” His voice is filled with concern as he watches her move quickly.

“Mmhmm. I just, need to calm my nerves. It’s been so long and it’s all happening so fast.” She pours the shots and slides one over to him. He takes his and stares at it for a moment before he returns his attention to her. She raises her glass to him before throwing back the shot. He quietly lets out a sigh, then follows suit. She’s already pouring herself another round and is quick to refill his. The second shot burns her throat, but seems to do its job as it settles her down. She looks into his eyes and she can see the pain in his eyes. The pain he’s been feeling since Paris, since they left him behind in Tokyo to fight Cecile and all those matches. Her breath hitches when he takes her hand into his.

“C’mon, let’s go sit down. Okay?” He says as he leads her from the kitchen to the couch in her living room.

They settle onto the couch, space between them, but their knees slightly brush against the other as they face each other. Her arms are crossed against her body, gently tucked beneath her heaving chest. His hands are placed on his thighs, rubbing back and forth - not sure how he should proceed.

“Dames, where the hell have you been?” Melina breaks the silence, he can hear the hurt in her voice. “I have been endlessly searching for you, hoping and praying that you were alive and until today I’ve had no fucking luck.” The tears start to form in her eyes and her voices begins to shake. “Why now? I know you’ve been in contact with Keegan. Why have you been avoiding me when you know how to get a hold of me? Why? Why?” The tears fall and her cheeks are wet, she can’t wipe them away fast enough. They just won’t stop.

He hates to see her like this, it hurts him to see her cry. He wants to just wrap her in his arms again and bury his face into her hair. He wants to make her pain end, but he’s the one who did this to her - it’s his fault. It’s all his fucking fault. Fuck it, he thinks as he reaches for her and wraps her into a hug. He gently rocks her and she cries even harder. He whispers “I’m sorry” over and over into her ear. It’s not enough, she deserves more than just his words, even if he means it with every ounce of his fabricated heart and soul. “I’m so fucking sorry, Melina.” He says before she pulls back.

She wants him to look her in the eyes when he tells her why. Why he hid from her all this time without one single word, even if those words were “fuck off”, but he didn’t even give her that.

“Melina, I’m so sorry. I was a coward. I was scared to come back to you when I knew my time was coming end. Knowing I only had months to retain all my past memories and feelings. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t bring myself to be near you and lose you all over again.” Melina couldn’t believe what ehe was hearing. He didn’t even attempt to let them try  -

“I eventually came into contact with Kaahn. I didn’t know if he could help me, but I couldn’t let Cecile and Rowan win. I couldn’t go down without some sort of fighting chance.” He sighed as he took Melina’s hands into his. They were so much smaller, and they were so soft. He loved how such a simple touch from her brought such warmth to him.

Her eyes grew wide, fucking Kaahn talked to Dames and he didn’t say a word?When Dames took her hands and it relaxed her for a moment, but she was still in shock. Who the hell did Kaahn think he was? “He attempted to fix my programming. Today is the last day before the original’s program was set to erase everything. Unfortunately, Kaahn doesn’t know if his override will work. I’m scheduled to… ‘reset’ if you will, at midnight. It won’t be until I wake up will I know if it worked. ”

Her world was flipping upside down. Her head was spinning, her heart was breaking, what was she supposed to do with this information? She finally had Dames back, but tonight he could be gone all over again. This wasn’t fair , Dames didn’t deserve any of this. He brushed her hair from her face, he wanted to comfort her as best as he could. He had already accepted what might happen to him, but this was all so much for Melina. He didn’t want her to have to endure all this. This wasn’t something she needed to worry about, she didn’t need to fuss over him.

“Stay with me.” Her eyes pleaded, her lips slightly parted in anticipation of his answer. “I know you wanted me to see you today. I know you weren’t expecting me to run like a mad woman into traffic, but …” she licked her lips and Dames let out a soft groan at the sight. “Please, stay. You’re finally here and I don’t think I can let you go.”

“What about Damien?” He questioned, his feelings for Melina meant the world to him, but he could never come between her and the person who he had to thank and curse for all these wonderful feelings.

She shook her head and said, “He’s surprisingly very open to me having intimate feelings for others. I don’t think you would be an exception. And it’s not about Damien right now. It’s about me and you right now, and right now I want to spend what could be last moments in your arms… if you want that too.”

That was all he needed to hear. He slowly closed the space between them, Melina’s sweet scent filling his senses, making his head swim. His lips found hers, they tasted like rum with a hint of peach from her iced tea that she had been drinking earlier. Her moan sent a tingle through his body. He needed more of her, but he was worried of what would come in the morning.  Dames broke away from the kiss and asked, “Melina, are you okay with keeping it light? I want to be with you so badly, but it’s not fair to you if I won’t have any memories in the morning. I …” Dames hung his head low, scared to meet his gaze with hers. Her warm hands cupped his face and she lifted his chin until he finally looked her in the eyes.

“I am perfectly fine with being held in your arms all night long, but don’t stop kissing me.” Dames stood up and brought Melina to her feet and embraced her in a hug. He lifted her up and she hooked her legs around his waist holding on to him like she would never let go, burying her face in his neck. He led them to the bedroom where they laid in bed all night intertwined. Both Melina and Dames fighting the urge to fall asleep. Their eyelids heavy, but their lips still finding each other. Both whispering each others names on their skin, and their lips. They both succumbed to sleep, the mental exhaustion too much for them to bear any longer.

**

When Melina wakes up she’s not sure what time it is. She can feel the warmth of the sun peeking through her curtains. Her face is still buried in Dames chest, her new favorite place to rest her head. She’s afraid to move, not knowing what will happen if she wakes him up. Will it be him? Will he remember her and the enchanting night they just had. Just him and her wrapped in each other, never letting go. She wants to cry, the anticipation driving her mad, she didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want to lose Dames again.

Moments passed and finally, he began to stir. She held her breath, this was it, the moment of truth. What would she even say if he didn’t recognize her - she guessed she could call Kaahn or Keegan and they would know what to do. Fuck. Why did it have to be this way? Why did this even have to be a thought?

She felt pressure on the top of her head. Was that? Was that a kiss? Another, and another on her temple. She couldn’t move, does he remember? 

“Melina.” He whispers in her vibrant purple locks. She looks up, and he’s smiling the brightest smile she’s ever seen. He’s beautiful, he’s perfect, he’s ….

“I remember. Everything.” He can’t stop smiling, his head clear of the fog that was his limited programing. Lifetime upon lifetime worth of memory just waiting to be stored. Kaahn did it.

“Stay with me.” Her voice gentle, she didn’t ask, she wanted him to know she wanted him.

“As long as you want me, I will always be here for you, Melina.” His lips found hers over and over again. They trailed along her jaw and down her neck. She moaned his name and begged for more. Piece by piece their clothes made their way to her bedroom floor. His groans grew louder the lower his kisses wandered. Her skin was soft, she was so beautiful and her taste was like ecstasy on his tongue. Melina’s moans drove him to please her harder and harder until she was trembling against his mouth.

“I want all of you, Dames. Please. I need you..” She begged between her panting breaths.

Dames kissed Melina ever so gently as he made his way between her legs. Their moans mingling as they moved against one another. Melina savored the pressure of Dames’ muscular body on top of her’s. She held him close, not wanting to let go. He was finally back in her life and to stay this time.

Dames is here, he is real, Dames is alive.  

[heroin-antiheroine]

i’m considering jumping off soon (as i’m sitting here aachhhing oww). the 1st time i ever went through full withdrawal was in october 2017 & i was still snorting, but i assume it was around a bag a day (100mg), but adjusted for bioavailability i’d say that’s around 50-something. it was achey as fuck, but could’ve been bc i was on a bloody hiking holiday with my parents & walking fuckin miles everyday while dying inside. but overall not the worst & i managed to get back to sleeping 4 hours a night by the last night (which is a fuckin godsend when ur a recovering heroin addict). the 2nd time was in april 2018, jumping off over 200mg IV-ed a day, which was god awful & i’d never want to repeat that. ughhhh muscle spasm hell & i lost so much weight bc i couldnt keep down anything but fuckin ginger tea & chicken stock. but the restless legs did go away after the 1st day & i think it’s bc i was laying down & not fuckin hiking!! but this time i’m only on ~45mg a day (bc of smoking today i actually don’t know....bc idk how much ur body actually absorbs from smoking or whether i’m getting all of it or who knows). it would be not as bad as the 1st time!! the thing is.....i was gonna do a full taper. the other thing is....my veins are so shitty. & then on top of that, my lungs are a pile of crap also. i know the drug service ppl will say to go on subs, or go back to snorting (yea cos i looooveeee losing half my drugs in my nose.....number 3 is not supposed to be snorted rly. i mean it’s possible & it does work but also.....it’s rly gross. it’s not like coke or k or number 4). 

i just wanna be fuckin normal!!!! i don’t wanna spend an hour poking holes in myself & end up covered in my own blood twice/three times a fuckin day!!! i wanna go to my favourite festival with all my friends this weekend which obv i can’t do. & i did it last year, while slamming h (& god back then it was so much easier to get a hit.....im nostalgic for it lmao) but it just wasn’t as fun!! i slept better than i ever have at a festival, but i was super envious of my friends who were getting wrecked (somehow i did manage to stay up later than most of them tho hahahah). it’s no surprise that i spent most of the festival with another junkie. all i think about is being clean nowadays....and like....a real clean person, a normie, someone who has never been addicted to h (or anything else). someone who can sleep well & has passions. i know the first month or two is gonna be hard, but this is hard!!!! this is worse, i’d say. i wanna see what the drugs services ppl say. i would ideally love to go down to 30mg before jumping but idk. my veins have been alright for a whole month so hopefully this is a temporary thing cos i wanna continue with the taper, i obv wanted no wds, not even the mild ones....cos even the mild ones are kinda shitty. 

i didn’t mean this to turn into a long vent post or whatever. i feel like i can only talk about this shit on here. i mean maybe one of u will understand. i keep going on about it bc it’s on my mind a lot, & it has been for 2 years god. i wish i’d never started, but so does everyone. at least i have uhhhhh life experience from it or something (that’s disregarding all the life experiences it made me miss out on). when i do decide to jump i’ll stock up on loads of helpful shit for it & i also saved watching the new season of a series of unfortunate events to watch specifically in withdrawal bc that’s what i did last year, bc that show is great but also rlyyyy long. altho i feel like all the terrifying shit in it was greatly magnified with my magnified emotions (i was like....i can’t believe i read these books as a kid.....wtf???). damn i wanna be normal. i wanna go visit my aging grandparents who i haven’t visited in...over a year bc of my fuckin addiction. i wanna travel!!! ugh bro ok now this is a whole thing.

[davidmann95]

The Kingdom Hearts III Reaction

First thing’s first: yes, I got the responses to my initial reaction letting me know I could use L2 to cycle through triangle commands, and oh my god that made things so much more manageable, so thank you.

Gameplay wise, I said what I had to say right off the bat earlier: lot of fun, best version of the traditional playstyle. Gorgeous except for when it’s the most gorgeous. Way more game than I could handle on the margins, but it felt like fun available options I could choose whether to pursue or not rather than overwhelming.

Under the cut I’m gonna talk some broad structural stuff; I’ll avoid anything overtly spoilery, but it would certainly be understandable if you’d rather stay away. Under another bolded sign though I’m going to get into MAXIMUM spoiler territory, so those who just want my basic impressions but would prefer to hold off on more than that until they have their own go at it can know where to get off.

So this game does like 90% of everything I ever wanted it to do, plus so much MORE than I ever would have expected, resulting in a finale even more grand and resonant and satisfying than I might have imagined after nearly 13 years of waiting. The problem is that all that stuff is in the last 8 hours, and it is very, very clear that’s the part of the game Nomura and company actually cared about. This wasn’t interested in being Kingdom Hearts III, it wanted to be Kingdom Hearts III Part 3/3: The Finale after Dream Drop Distance and A Fragmentary Passage covered the other biggies, to the point of as mentioned before critically compromising the beginning of the game. It reached the point where Dream Drop Distance went from just baaaaarely pulling ahead of 358/2 Days to dead damn last in my ranking of these, because it not only set the tone for what went wrong here - even if this succeeded in the end in a way that couldn’t - but sponged off vital reveals and the conclusion to Riku’s character arc, both of which 1,000,000% needed to be in here so this could be a complete sequel rather than in an intermediary story where they were weakened by context.

Long story short, Nomura and Square are going to have to think very, very hard about what kind of a role the Disney worlds are going to play in these going forward, because the enthusiasm for them on the part of the writers is visibly dead. Not across the board, passion clearly went into the likes of the Toy Story and Big Hero 6 worlds, but it could not have been plainer that Monsters Inc. and Frozen were checkmarks being crossed off, perfunctory in a way I genuinely don’t feel the Disney worlds were in the past (though that may be in large part because this time around Sora is literally just there for level grinding, rather than an immediate search for friends, stripping away the central underlying emotional urgency of I and II). It would’ve been alright if there had been a major act break of the sort II had to provide a sense of forward momentum, but as is it really is just marking time while characters other than Sora drive the plot in the background, mostly in the form of catching up with what the audience already knows. They’ll always be a part of the franchise, and obviously the iconic Disney figures in Mickey and the rest will always be central, but unless the powers that be find a fresh new angle I think it’s getting to be time to scale the movie settings back in favor of the main story and original worlds, if not to the extent the Final Fantasy elements have received.

So I spent most of the game disappointed, figuring it would pull it all together for the finale and more than satisfy me, but not enough to retroactively redeem the game as a whole. And then it retroactively went and redeemed the game, because when I say it kicks off in the last 8 hours I don’t mean that that’s where things start getting parsed out in time for the finale. I mean it’s 8 solid hours of climax, physical and plot and character, the most intense and overwhelming of the franchise, answers to real-life-decade spanning mysteries and character resolutions and endgame-scale setpieces and catharsis being delivered just one after the other after the other. It’s the entire emotional underpinning of the game in a single titanic endrun, in an experience and at a pitch I’ve never seen before. Even the parts that should have been set up earlier in the game still have the entire rest of the series and years of anticipation leading into them, and while it’s a shame it had to bank on that advantage, it worked, because when I look back on the game in years to come it’s going to be this that I’ll remember, and when I someday a long time from now play through the franchise as a whole, I’ll go through the parts that previously irritated me with a smile on my face because it’ll just be a charming interlude rather than a dead stop. I can’t put this over II’s more well-rounded experience because of those structural issues, but while 0.2 is maybe the purest expression of intent thus far in the series, its brevity, and the fact that as good as it gets its best isn’t as good as this gets, puts III neck-and-neck with it as the franchise runner-up for me.

Okay, BIGGEST SPOILERS IN THE FUCKING WORLD UNDER THE IMAGE

So being a person who exists online in the 21st century, I had some key images of the ending spoiled for me well in advance, which sucked but was also maybe a blessing in disguise, because if I hadn’t been braced when those last three seconds came...that would have been rough. It was startlingly rough as is, which is odd because as much as I’ve always liked Sora as a character and appreciated the odd way his nature as a Disney hero in a Final Fantasy dark epic makes him a perfect lead and counterpoint, I never realized the depths of emotional investment I’d attached to his specific fate until the rug got pulled out. It would be as blatant a “but there’s no body!” moment as any there’s ever been even without the secret ending and the confirmation on Nomura’s part that Sora will remain the main character, it’s an emotional blow and a setback and a mystery for the others to solve rather than a full tragic ending (and one would have to imagine the characters themselves would believe that and will act accordingly given this entire story was itself about bringing back a bunch of Very Definitely Dead Folks), but it’s harsh as hell even if it’s very clearly the next step in a Master Plan rather than purely blueballing players for the cruel joy of it. Still, even if it’s reminiscent of stuff we’ve seen before, a melancholy-at-best ending is fully within the franchise wheelhouse; if I’m right and there’s one full trilogy of main games remaining in the series (I’m guessing without many if any spinoffs, Nomura’s bosses are definitely going to have his nose to the grindstone to get through the remainder of this thing on a sane timescale so as not to have another...well, this), maybe it’ll fully establish a sad-odd-numbered-ending, happy-even-numbered ending pattern, with IV having a gleeful reunion, V ending with all seeming lost, and the grand finale letting the heroes have their happily ever after.*

Before getting into the gushing praise for the rest of it, the reason this is at 90% of everything I wanted rather than complete: Kairi is bizarrely shortchanged here compared to every other central character, especially given her relationship with Sora is the foundation of the very end and she’s the logical main protagonist for IV. Even her ‘death’ isn’t my issue so much - by the end of the game Sora has rescued literally every other main character from beyond the veil of the afterlife or a living hell in fairly rapid succession, she’s just the last and biggest deal to him personally - as that even a few more scenes with her would have shored up so much. Not that her material isn’t good when she is there, I absolutely do think it was, and the emotional buildup from the series up to this point was more than enough in my opinion to carry her stuff through, but it’s the equivalent of, say, Lois Lane appearing out of nowhere at the end of a Justice League story to provide the impetus for Superman: obviously this works and makes sense because we know how much they mean to one another, but in the context of this as a lone narrative it’s a little out of nowhere. Riku gets it pretty bad too, if not as much so, but he has the ‘excuse’ of having his character arc resolved in Dream Drop Distance. Still though, it means the central trio is scarcely a thing in here the way it was in the past, though it looks like the next game is going to be entirely about getting them back together and hopefully they’ll stay as a complete unit from there on out.

Also prior to gushing praise: if Dream Drop Distance hadn’t happened, it would be so easy to restructure this in a way that would make the whole thing satisfying instead of just a perfect chunk of it. Open the game with Sora and Riku going into the Realm of Darkness to save Aqua, have Sora succeed but in the process of THAT lose his powers (making it a noble sacrifice on his part foreshadowing the end rather than a non-fuckup that the player pays for); Aqua has to recuperate, preferably with Kairi and Lea so they can get more screentime, Sora’s off regaining his powers and tracking down clues to the location of Castle Oblivion since it was under Organization control and therefore hidden, and Riku’s off with Mickey having his DDD arc. Stick the reveal of the real Organization XIII midgame, and keep the finale almost exactly as is. That way, plot and character’s doled out throughout, character screentime is rebalanced, and everything that worked stays working and comes to the exact same conclusion.

Gushing praise time: holy fuckin’ cow, this hit me in ways I did not see coming. The reunion of the other two trios was something I looked forward to well enough but not anything I fully expected to outright bowl me over, but by god they pushed those buttons as hard as they could and made them everything anyone could need them to be. But that was expected, to one extent or another; what I don’t think anyone could have seen coming was, in the final gasp of this saga of hilariously, broadly Arch villains, every single one of them turning out to be a real goddamn human being with understandable emotions and motivations and implied history and arcs. Monsters see the light (with the contextually hilarious exception of the one character fandom MOST wanted to see get a face turn with Vanitas, and even he finds understanding and peace) after a whole series of believing there’s one in the darkness when only one or two major characters had made a turnaround, and it doesn’t just make this game richer, it retroactively improves the entire series thematically and emotionally, as well as setting the stage for more of that approach based on what we know of what’s to come. And action-wise, it really does go for trying to beat II’s last Xemnas fight, and while I don’t know that it manages it in sheer cool thanks to that final laser blocking/dual wielding finale, it I think really does come out on top in the fights leading up to it and the spectacle and the emotional power and the beautiful interface screw (after the shit with the tornado earlier!), nevermind the absolute end where Our Nerd Dad Luke Skywalker** shows up to give his blessing to the franchise and usher out the story as it was.

As for the pair of post-credits scenes: in each instance I had something spoiled for me, but also in each instance not the BIG thing. I knew Xigbar would live and summon the Foretellers, which honestly is not that shocking for me. That he IS one of them, that he’s been putting on an act (one clearly in the shape of his teacher) and been a bigger villain than Xehanort THE ENTIRE TIME? I believe that got a literal gasp out of me, and THAT’S before it turned out that after bullheadedly clinging to the idea that she’s still a main villain for all these years, Maleficent might actually end up a main villain again. And the secret movie? I had the title spoiled - and god what a perfect twist, the most gleefully apeshit moment in the game and already probable best moment in gaming of the year coming back around in a completely serious way to define the future of the franchise - but assumed wrongly that it meant Sora would be in some way ‘reincarnated’ amnesiac as Yozora and needing to be returned to himself. But nope, Sora’s for real out there alive as himself in...something like the real world? Or The World Ends With You, which I understand is at least a lot closer? And Riku’s gonna wind up stuck out there too? And because Yozora’s there it means they’re in some kind of fuckin’ Flash of Two Worlds! situation?! Or if it’s in the same physical realm (which I have to doubt or Sora would rush home as soon as he got a ship) it’s the equivalent of that dope two-part Terra Obscura arc in Tom Strong?! Sora and Riku, trapped in a world where Kingdom Hearts is a Dark, Realistic Modern Urban Fantasy (which, if Sora got here by dying, does...does that mean Gritty Realworld! AU Kingdom Hearts fanfic is that universe’s version of hell? Because that would be beautiful) (did “This is a fantasy based on reality” end up carried over as the logline to Final Fantasy XV from Versus XIII? Because if not, absolutely use it here to keep that gag going) and having to fight their way back to their world and friends, hopefully with Kairi going on her own playable adventure on the other end of the cosmos to find them since there’s no way she wouldn’t be leading the search? And with the Master of Masters waiting in the wings, the perfect villain in general because if Sora is the MOST Disney character in this universe he appears to be the LEAST, and especially perfect here now that Sora’s symbolically if not possibly literally on his turf? Waiting I’m guessing another 3-5 years is gonna be hell (I’m guessing IV’ll be announced next year or maaaaaaaybe late this year because thus far Kingdom Hearts has never gone with no announced games on the horizon longer than the end of the next calendar year, and we’ll see how development goes after that; like I said, I imagine the pressure is on for Nomura), but this could not look more like my shit.

So that’s, after all these years, Kingdom Hearts III: an understandable, maybe unavoidable, but still crushing disappointment that undermined itself narratively before it even began production and ran on a burned-out crew that could never meet the impossible expectations surrounding it. Until it suddenly winks, brushes itself off, and lives up to damn near EVERYTHING on its shoulders in the most incredible ways possible while also transcending its previous limitations as a story right in front of you, and then breaking your heart before planting the seed to repair it and charting a path towards an even more exciting future. All said and done, I liked it a whole lot, and it’ll always be special to me.

* At this point, I really could go for the ending of the whole thing literally being Sora and Kairi walking into the sunset together, with the camera panning up into the sky and text (not mysterious narration like in the past, but old-school Disney-cartoon-style outside-the-world of the story cursive text) appearing to declare 𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒾𝓁𝓎 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝒻𝓉𝑒𝓇. That is the level of closure and myth and satisfaction it’s gotta be building towards after everything thus far and everything to come.

** If you are reading this without having played or watched the game: given I know that’s now in the realm of possibility, no, I don’t literally mean Luke Skywalker showed up.

Yet.

[magiq]

A story to tell

If I was to write the full story, I'd have to write a novel. I'm going to start by saying that even though it might seem like I was the good person in the story, I wasn't at all great. I made huge mistakes which broke people and friendships. Saying that, that was never my intention.

For you to understand why I find myself in the complicated situation, I will firstly explain why my mum is so important to me.

Every since I was born, my mum's life was something like hell, my dad wasn't a good person due to drugs and other substances. I grew very attached and protective over my mum and she is my world. The thought of something ever happening to her leaves me in tears, and with my PTSD, that thought crosses my mind far too often. The thought of my mum dying one day petrifies me. This is all you need to really know on this subject as most of this story isn't about my family.

It was exactly on new years day;2018, when I fucked up majorly. I had these two best friends and they were together. J and the other one R. J was my best friend and R came with her. They were both pretty great. Before they got together, a while before actually, I had a crush on R but that wasn't the case anymore. They were purely my best friends. We spent a lot of time together with our other best friends and we cared about each other a lot.

R and J knew each other for a very long time and because they were best friends before they became girlfriends they used to argue often. They rushed into their relationship and they moved in together very fast... lesbians right?😂 Anyways joking aside. R started to get a lot more chatty with me, she even got flirty but I thought nothing about it. Eventually J and R broke up. It was very hard trying to be there for both of them as they both wanted me for their selves. R always flirted with me and I started feeling strange feelings towards her, she was bringing my old feelings back to the surface. I tried to fight it for a long time.

Me, R and our other friend, went to a night club and R was staying at my house afterwards. When we got back and in bed she started cuddling me. I didn't feel comfortable at all, I kept shaking and she thought that was cute but I was only shaking because I knew what was happening wasn't right. J texted R and asked her to come back to her, R didn't really want to but because of what was going on I told her I didn't think she should stay at my house, so she left. J and R got back together and I tried to stay away from the situation for as long as I could. Soon enough they were both asking me to come and see them, after about 3 weeks I caved and went there. Everything seemed good and back to normal. They then broke up again. J decided that she wasn't going to come out for new years, so me, R and another one of our best friends went together. By then I already knew something strange was happening between me and R as she was continuously coming to visit me at work, there were long hugs and her telling me how special I was. My feelings towards her were very confusing but I never admitted that to myself. That night on new years eve we both got very drunk. She came to stay at mine and we ended up kissing. Everything between us felt so intense. But ofcourse I knew what I was doing was wrong.

The next day I told J what happened. She got mad and told me that it's either her or R, I couldn't choose, therefore I lost J. Me and R ended up getting into a relationship and I fell for her. Everything was good but deep inside I knew that she would go back to J eventually and she did. I wasn't okay with it but I pretended to be. She left and blocked me out of her life. She told everyone that everything between us was a lie, that I was just something she latched onto. That made me furious and I was able to hate her, which made moving on a lot easier. That is until they broke up again and she started popping back up in my life. Unblocking me, liking my posts, adding me on social networks, and then blocking me once her and J sorted things out again. This happened 3 times, months apart and messed with my head more and more each time. There were even unknown caller ID calls at one point.

The first few times I ignored it, I even accepted one of her requests just to see whether she'd say anything, she didn't. By the 3rd time I had had enough. I messaged her and demanded a conversation, she said she had wanted to talk to me for months so we arranged to meet.

I got a taxi to our arranged location and waited for her there for around 45minutes, which felt like seconds. I was so anxious, I kept looking around me to see if I would see her walking towards me until eventually her presence hit me like a bomb. She appeared right in front of me as I glanced at my phone and back up. She came from a side alley, which I want expecting at all. She said hello and proceeded to tell me that she liked my hair. I just shouted at her, I don't even remember most of what I said.

After a few hours of deep talking and her telling me that she still loved me, we got cold and decided it was time to part ways. That's when we had the conversation I think I'll never forget.

She asked me whether I never wanted to see her again, I tried to say no but there was a lump my throat and a sharp stabbing in my heart. It was as though she was a part of me and I couldn't let her go. I told her it wasn't fair of her to ask me that. She demanded an answer, so I came up with one. I said that we could never be what we used to be, but eventually I do want her in my life, never to the extent she was, but I want her there. I told her I had a few conditions, these were them;

Firstly she had to grow up and stop being selfish, stop playing with people's emotions like they don't matter, when they do.

She had to have her own place and stand on her own two feet, I told her as soon as this was done, she could message me and we'd have a chat, but to not talk until then.

And the last one was, not to block me again. Not to drop me again like I was a sack of shit, after everything I had done for her to show me at least that much appreciation. And that's when I said it. "IF YOU BLOCK ME AGAIN, I SWEAR ON MY MUMS LIFE I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, ILL AVOID YOU AT ALL COSTS" the biggest mistake I've ever done. She knows how much I care about my mum and how supersticious I am. And I wanted her to not cut me off again. I wanted her to know how seriously I don't want her to do that. I loved and cared for her still so fucking much. I regretted saying it instantly, but I couldn't take it back. We said goodbye and I left.

A few days passed and my best friend N (I'm going to give her credit, she helped me through all of this and she's an absolute star) got a message that R was in hospital due to an overdose. Once I read that message it felt like the whole world had stopped spinning and even though I said that I wouldn't speak to her until she sorted herself out, I had to call her.

The phone was ringing and my heart was racing. She answered and went onto saying that she couldn't talk right now because she was with J. I understood, I just wanted to know that she was okay and now I knew, so I left her alone. A few hours later I was blocked. I cried for hours.

So the point of this story is, I still love her, I tried to find posts that I related to but I couldn't so I wrote my own. I love her and dream about her but I'm never going to speak to her again and hopefully never see her again, because itd be so damn hard not saying a word if I did. See if I spoke to her and then something bad happened to my mum, I'd blame myself. But for some reason I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I constantly dream about her, I think she's someone that's meant to be in my life, and now I can't let that happen. Ive been broken before but I don't think I will ever feel this way about anyone again. I wanna let her go...

I NEED to let you go.

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[naturepointstheway]

“Of Ghosts and Carols” Chapter 6: Stave IV: The Ghost of Christmas Future

For those who would rather read/comment on Archive of Our Own, the latest chapter is up. And this chapter is LONG AS HELL at just a tadge over 7800 words. Make sure you have oodles of spare time! As always, a wonderful thank you to @tinydooms for her great beta-ing. 

Oh and also, now there remains just two chapters to go--both most certainly going to be shorter, and possibly even put up within a week’s breadth. We’re on the home-stretch, everyone.

Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

@insectoid5 @chooseandact  @greensearcher @emeraldcitynative @sweetfayetanner @tinydooms @batbobsession @lumiereswig

Stave IV: The Ghost of Christmas Future

The countless hours of missed slumber was finally catching up to Adam. It was barely ten at night now, and his eyes threatened to droop shut in desperately desired slumber. But he knew he had to stay up until one in the morning. At the very least, it would be the last time he would have to force himself to stay up so late.

Traversing hallways festooned with decorations, Adam came across more than a few servants, including Plumette and Lumiere, all excited for the big day. No doubt, somewhere in the heart of the servants’ quarters, Chip lay awake in the dark, eyes wide open with pure excitement, wild guesses as to what kind of presents awaited him under the tree running through his head.

The minutes staggered on in a languorous manner; Adam could sense the passing minutes around him, catching in the candle light, flames guttering with the passing seconds. He looked out a window, staring at the stars burning bright in the night sky. The space between the stars seemed infused with the hidden shadows of what was to be revealed in a matter of hours. Far, far below, the wind swept upward from the snow, snuffing out a torch bracketed to one of the walls.

Now it was nearing midnight. He could hear Plumette and Lumiere giggling in the ballroom as he neared it. He cast a glance in as he passed it and saw them sneaking each other a present under the giant Christmas tree. He hung back just out of sight by the doorframe, hardly daring to breathe as another memory burned as bright as the lonely moon in the sky. Once, when he was five or six, he had followed the couple in and watched them pass a present to each other as was their Christmas Eve tradition. On seeing this, he had asked if he could open one of his presents too with them. They had laughed in good nature, and, after much begging on the boy’s part, they had relented, passing a present they both had chosen for him to him.

Why can’t things be the way they were before?

Seconds fell away into whole minutes, but slowly, slowly, the hour hands of all the castle’s clocks began to depart the twelfth hour, brushing up against one in the morning.

For the third night in a row, his footsteps retraced a sorely trodden path back to the study room with its closed door. He stared at the door handle, hands clenching at his sides in his anticipation, and, before he could hesitate any longer, he quickly reached out and opened the door. He peered into the room, expecting to find something there in the darkness, but as far as he could see, there was nothing. But surely, once his eyes adjusted to the dark, he would turn around and see the Ghost of Christmas Future waiting for him.

Edging a foot inside, he opened the door as wide as it would go, heart pounding as he searched the darkened study for the faintest sign of his third ghostly companion. The clock’s ticking behind him seemed to grow louder at an exponential rate. His shoulders tensed, his breathing hitched, and –

Chime.

One chime.

Any time now.

Adam turned on the spot, ready for this third and final apparition whoever it—or he—or she—might be.

“Adam!”

Adam flinched at the voice, deep, commanding, and severe.

Father.

He backed away into the dark, until he hit the desk behind him, his breath shallow and fast.

“Where are you?”

For, try as he might, he could not locate the voice anywhere in the room. And yet, it seemed to have come from right next to him, as though his father had yelled his name into his ear inches away.

“I am here.”

“Where?!”

“I am here always.”

Oh God, what am I to do!

He felt like he was ten years old again, his father chasing after him from some unknown direction. The same sweat on his palms, the constriction of his lungs, the strange feeling like he wanted to cry, but couldn’t, lest he got a beating for being so weak. Yet, somehow, he managed to pull together enough courage to speak, though not bolder than a croak.

“Where are you? Sh—show yourself!”

The unlit candle on his desk suddenly burst into life, Adam snapping his attention to it. Turning around, he observed how his shadow was thrown over the floor and the wall, towering over him. Staring at his shadow, he had a premonition of what was about to happen. He wanted to look away from his shadow, but found he couldn’t, unable even to back away in horror as it moved of its own accord.

The shadow stretched a hand to him, Adam staring at the long, spindly fingers and the animalistic way the hand clawed for his wrist. He tried to back away from it, but the shadow’s hand clamped on his wrist, Adam flinching on instinct, expecting to feel pain from the inescapable grasp. There was no pain, not even the pain of nails digging into his flesh, as his father would have done in life. But he knew he could not escape if he tried, and he did not bother to struggle.

“Where are you taking me?”

Silence from this apparition, its only answer being to raise its other arm in the direction of the door. With a sharp, silent snap of the fingers, the door flung open, bouncing off the wall. Outside, he could hear Plumette and Lumiere passing through another corridor, presumably off to bed again, though their voices betrayed no signs of being any wearier than they were before. The spectre sniffed as if in disdain at such folly, and Adam felt a stab of indignation at this. How dare the ghost be so dismissive of Plumette and Lumiere’s happiness!

“Leave them alone,” Adam found himself saying between gritted teeth.

No answer from the ghost, but somehow Adam felt he didn’t care any more than he did before. Instead, he tugged Adam along still farther until the prince once again found himself standing just inside an entrance into the ballroom, now completely empty of people, dancing couples or otherwise. Only the prince and the ghost were its guests.

He looked around for his shadowy companion, but he was no longer there at his side. Half thinking he might have imagined his own shadow pulling him along, he was about to dismiss it as some strange side effect of sleeplessness when the two grand candle stands near the empty golden throne burst into life. He whipped around to see the throne was not empty after all.

For, reclining on that throne was someone who looked exactly like him, but his features echoed his father’s, right down to the cold, hard blue eyes. In contrast to the pleasant ghost who had guided him last night, he had the appearance of a man who had spent his life being spoilt, selfish, and unkind. It chilled the prince to see such distaste and contempt twisting his own features. His clothes were so dark a shade of blue they might as well have been black, an unsettling contrast to the sky-blue outfit of the ghost from the night before.

He is me.

Adam jumped when the ghost suddenly snapped his fingers in the air, eyes boring into him, a silent command for Adam to approach at once. Against his will, Adam’s legs began moving him toward the throne, heart hammering, sweat beading on his forehead as if he were approaching his own father himself, even though the man was long dead. The ghost’s hand whipped up from the wrist in a sharp gesture for him to stop where he was. Adam halted, his knees nearly buckling under him.

I will not let him see I fear him. I will be brave. I will be strong. Like my mother.

“Yes?”

Silence.

“You spoke before, and I wish—command—you to speak again.”

The ghost’s lips twisted in the hint of a sneer, tilting his head back so he looked down his nose at the prince.

“I will speak when I wish, Prince Adam,” the ghost told him, “You cannot command me.”

Words his own father would have said to him. And Adam was no longer at the age when he would have submitted to everything his father told him. Terror coursed through him, and yet, that little whisper of bravery struggled through.

“Then I ask you, what do you wish to show me?”

The ghost frowned, nose wrinkling in annoyance that the prince had chosen to speak back in such a manner to him.

“When I raise myself from this throne, you will see for yourself what may come in future Christmases.”

With that, the ghost raised itself on its feet, Adam staring as he turned back into what appeared exactly like his shadow—or the shadow of his father—the throne empty once again. He cast around in a panic to see if he still had his shadow, and there it was, on the floor, flickering with the candlelight. He let out a breath of relief. Then this was the ghost, and not his own actual shadow somehow becoming unattached from his body of its own will.

Adam could not tear his eyes away from the shadow of Christmas Future as it walked—no, glided—down from the throne to the centre of the ballroom, the prince following after him. No more than nine or ten paces and then the ghost again gestured for him to stop.

A click of the ghost’s fingers and the ballroom was suddenly filled to the brim with women dressed in their finest, dancing for a night with the prince. On the other side of the ballroom, Adam spotted someone who looked like an opera singer decked in the finest jewellery and costume, and beside her, a man in a wild white wig playing a harpsichord with great passion. The ghost stretched a hand out, pointing over the prince’s shoulder. Adam took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever he was about to see. He did not trust that it would be anything good.

And there on the throne was—himself. Slightly older, his eyes shadowed by feather-like make-up around the eyes. The prince kept watching closely, waiting to see what would happen next as the visage of him stood up from the throne, eyes roaming over the spinning, smiling women.

It occurred to him that the servants were strangely absent, and Adam turned his head to look for them, turning around until he finally located them, standing back in the shadows, barely moving, as though they had become as inanimate as the statues in the room. It was unsettling to see Lumiere so quiet and unmoving beside Cogsworth, Plumette, and Chapeau.

“Why are they hiding back there?”

The ghost did not answer, but only fixed him with a stare until a thunderclap outside made the prince flinch, heart thudding in his chest from the fright. Everyone in the ballroom gasped; even his future self swung around to see what was going on. Adam leaped back as Lumiere squeezed past the terrified dancers to hand future-Adam a candlestick. To Adam’s surprise, his future self just snatched the candlestick out of the man’s hand without a thank you or even a glance up at him.

But it wasn’t the candlestick or Adam that grabbed the prince’s attention now; it was the figure at the door, which had wrenched open with the mysterious visitor’s entrance. A gnarled hand gripped a cane, the robed figure shuffling in, its other hand clutching something to its robes. Adam knew before his future self did it that he would turn the old woman away—and he was ashamed to know that it was exactly what he would have done. Turned away an old woman into the cold, force her back into the arms of Death, on the basis of her ugliness.

The laughter that issued from his future self was echoed by the lady dancers’ own cold mirth. Adam turned his head quickly to see how the servants reacted to this, and still they had not moved from their stations.

Stop me, Adam found himself begging them, stop me, do something!

But they did nothing; even Lumiere had retreated back to stand with the others, disappearing again into the shadows. It seemed to Adam somehow symbolic, how all the servants were cast into shadows, while the dancers and the prince all took centre stage.

Do something!

He swung back to watch as his older self dropped the rose in contempt—did his face really twist so unpleasantly when he was displeased?—the beggar woman flinching at the action.

Why does she seem familiar?

And then the woman began to transform right before everyone’s eyes, and a jolt of familiarity went through him as he caught a glimpse of her face, her eyes never leaving the guests even as they began to turn tail and flee; only the servants stayed right where they were, their own terror registering in their faces.

And Adam’s jaw dropped open on seeing the Enchantress emerging from her old hag disguise, floating gold hair and all. He recognised the cool blue eyes, her long fingers, and the way she floated above the ground.

Good God. It’s her.

And then the screams began. Terrible screams, howls of such torture that even the servants hanging back in the shadows flinched at the sound. Adam’s eyes widened as he observed his future self’s shadow becoming less of a man and more something...grotesque, with horns erupting from his skull and a voice that rapidly devolved into a low, guttural growl.

Dazzling golden light exploded in the ballroom, Adam instinctively raising a hand to shield his eyes, breathing fast from the intensity of the experience. When the light dimmed enough that he could open his eyes again, he stumbled back in shock as he beheld the Beast cowering on the ground, shuddering in the agony of his transformation, bathed in the light coming off the Enchantress. From here, Adam could still hear the sickening cracks and snaps as his future self’s bones rearranged themselves into their new formations.

He shook his head as he gaped at the creature with its horns and thick fur, all alone and cold in the middle of the dark room, the Enchantress still hovering over the Beast.

The Beast that once had been him.

“What—” Adam rasped to the ghost.

Punishment for what you have become.

Though her lips had not moved, the Enchantress’s words rung loud and clear, an owl shrieking in through the still-open door, landing on top of the throne.

You are exposed as the monster you are in your heart.

The Beast made a muffled noise that sounded like a cross between a whimper and a groan.

Your servants, too, have been transformed.

“What?!” Adam shouted, whirling on the ghost before he could stop himself, “What have they done, ghost?! Why turn them—”

For they have been worth less than objects to you— the Enchantress continued, her words echoing eerily, as though they were in the bowels of a cave and not in a fancy ballroom.

Adam hissed in indignation.

They have done nothing for you.

Despite his surge of defensiveness on the servants’ behalf, Adam came up with nothing to counteract the Enchantress’s words, even if no one but the ghost could see or hear him.

“What has she done to them, Ghost?”

The ghost didn’t dignify the prince with an answer, instead shaking its head, pointing a finger back at the Beast and the Enchantress.

“If she has hurt them in any way…”

The rose will bloom until the last petal falls, the Enchantress’s words streamed voiceless into his consciousness again, and then it will be too late, unless you learn to love, and find someone who will love you in return.

Adam twitched at the ghost’s harsh laugh, hollow in its humour. “Who could ever learn to love a Beast?”

He glared over at the ghost, wishing he could just strangle the wretched spirit and be done with it. But before he could give this fantasy any further thought, the ballroom suddenly became drenched in darkness once more, the Enchantress gone with a flash of lightning, leaving the Beast panting from fear, agony, and loneliness in the middle of an empty ballroom.

“Anything else you want to show me, Ghost?”

The ghost snapped his fingers, and they found themselves at the edge of the darkened forest. Adam jumped as two glowing eyes and the breeze from a pair of soundless wings swooped over him with a sharp hoot.

There was no moon to flood the world with light, which made the unsettlingly close, piercing howls of a wolf pack even more frightening than it ordinarily would have been. Adam squinted in order that he might locate the wolves’ silhouettes camouflaged against night-shrouded tree trunks.

The nature of the ghost’s appearance meant he, too, was hidden in the dark. The idea of being unable to find a silhouette of a spectre among the disembodied howls of wolves and the floating, glowing eyes of the owl made Adam feel even more frightened, like a child alone in the dark with no-one to turn to but a cold-hearted father.

“Where are you, Ghost?”

When spindly fingers gripped his wrist again, Adam was shocked his heart did not fail him from the fright.

“Don’t scare me like that!”

He let the ghost tug him forward, his feet never catching on hidden tree roots or suddenly disappearing down unseen holes; indeed, it was like he was floating over the earth, for surely his feet would have caught on something by now.

How big is this forest?

Had the forest surrounding his castle always been this giant? It had always seemed so small in the daytime, though he had found it too enormous and frightening as a child. But surely it shouldn’t be this huge. Or perhaps, it was the night that played tricks on his mind, pretending that the acres of trees yawned without end into the night, stretching out to meet the curiously blurry stars on the distant horizon.

“Where are you taking me?”

He didn’t know if the ghost spoke aloud, but he heard his words all the same.

Look at the stars.

Adam’s words died in his throat as he saw what was now happening to the stars. For they were blurring, their points of light streaking over the sky until they looked like concentric circles patterning the heavens.

“I don’t understand.”

Years are passing by for the castle. Elsewhere, time is—

On their emergence from the forest’s edge, the stars snapped back to their original seats in the sky.

—normal.

“And what happens to me back there?”

The ghost declined to speak again.  

“Speak to me!”

A snap of fingers and Adam found himself blinking in broad morning daylight, right on time to hear a clock in a tower chiming the eighth hour. He recognised this village as Villeneuve, its houses and streets decked in thick swaths of fresh overnight snow. In the distance, he spotted a chimney sweep standing precariously on a roof, trying to do his job even despite his life-threatening position high above the ground. Specks of soot peppered the snow around the chimney’s perimeter. Adam sucked in an apprehensive breath as the boy slid on his bottom off the roof; only when the child landed safe on his feet did the prince breathe easy again.

“Why Villeneuve again?” he asked, staring around, spotting another couple of people resting up against a run-down house, eyes hollow, hands clutching frozen cups of once-hot tea. The presence of wreaths and other ornamentation told him that it was, again, Christmas Day, or thereabouts.

The ghost simply gestured for him to follow.

Adam went and followed him up the trail, a sense of deja vu coursing through him from having gone up this same path the night before with the Ghost of Christmas Present. Eventually, the ghost led him to the front door of a modest house.

“Who’s in here?” Adam asked the spectre.

The ghost regarded him with a haughty look, simply inclining its head, a white, bony finger unfolding in the door’s direction. A snap of spindly fingers and the door flung open, letting a gust of wind into the room. Adam followed the ghost inside, half expecting to see the house’s inhabitants looking in concern at the door, but no one had seemed to notice; as a matter of fact, there was no one there as far as Adam could tell.

The ghost snapped his fingers in the direction of the door and it snapped shut against the howling wind that pummelled against it outside.

Why here? Adam wondered, staring around at the empty room.

Noticing his ghostly compatriot ascending the stairs, Adam quickly followed, stepping over blankets tossed on the floor. And as he approached the foot of the stairs, he heard something that sounded like sobbing coming from upstairs. Staring up at the top of the staircase, he couldn’t see much beyond the top step but for a dimmed hallway, a solitary candle in a jar burning on a small table.

“What’s up there?”

Adam flinched when the ghost cast him a belligerent look that looked exactly like his father’s, down to the crinkle at the bridge of the nose. Swallowing, he tiptoed up the stairs behind the spectre without another word, his apprehension growing with each step. He did not like the grim atmosphere, grey and bleak, awaiting him at the top of the bare staircase leading to a hallway with a worn, holey carpet.

Once at the top of the stairs, the ghost swept his shadowy robes in a dramatic fashion, pointing down to the end of a hallway where a woman sat on a chair, rocking, her head in her hands. Adam’s heart jumped in his throat when he heard her strangled sobs, a hand dropping down to fumble for a large kerchief from her pocket.

“My darling!” she wailed from down the hall. “Oh, my darling girl!”

Though he had seen her only once before, Adam recognised the woman immediately.

“That’s the woman I saw in the church last night!” Adam whispered, but the ghost didn’t react, “The one with—oh god.”

Her daughter didn’t die...did she?

Adam’s blood ran cold when a door swung open, revealing a doctor carrying a large leather bag, his glasses on a golden chain around his neck. He looked to the woman and shuffled his feet, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort, as though he wasn’t sure quite how to console the mother. After a few moments of this hesitation, he cleared his throat, but the woman continued to rock in her chair, arms now wrapped around her waist, tears dripping onto her dress.

“My sweet, my little darling…”

The doctor put out a plump hand and patted the woman’s shoulder, but she jerked away from his gesture of condolence. Seeming to understand the mother desired to be left alone, the doctor bowed respectfully and carried on down the hallway, past the ghost and Adam, his footsteps regular and precise as he made his way back down the stairs. Adam stared after the doctor, eyes staring through the top stair. Only the sound of the door shutting tight downstairs jerked his attention back to the present.

Turning around to face the scene of lamentation, Adam saw that the father had come out with his son to join the mourning woman. The father placed a hand on his son’s head when the latter whispered worriedly to his mother.

“Leave her be, son,” the father said in a gentle, low voice. “Go back downstairs and I’ll join you soon and we’ll talk.”

“But maman—”

“I know, I know. But your mother wants to be alone now, understand?”

The boy sniffled, wiping his sleeve over his eyes, the fresh tear stains and red eyes striking an ache in Adam’s heart.

The poor boy…

After his father had given his hair one last quick ruffle, the boy shuffled off down the hallway toward the stairs, his head low and shoulders slumped. Watching him, Adam could imagine that boy as himself, leaving his mother’s side after she had died.

Looking back at the ghost, he muffled a yell when he saw his features had become like his father’s again, though with a hint of his own somewhere in there too. The same sneer in the twist of his lips, the jerk of his head to the side in some truncated shake of the head in disapproval.

“They are strangers to you. Why weep at all?”

A blink and Adam reeled as the ghost suddenly became enshrouded in shadows again, the features barely visible. As though nothing had happened, the ghost wafted to the open bedroom door, pausing there as he waited for Adam to catch up to him. Next to the ghost, the father knelt down next to his wife’s chair, pulling her into a tight embrace, rocking with her in their grief.

Adam didn’t want to look in, how could he think anything good would come of this but terrible news of death. And yet, the shadow reached back, grasping his hand, pulling him inside so the prince was now completely in the room, dark for the closed curtains. He could see the shapes of various vials on the dressing table, the discarded damp cloths to try to keep at bay raging fevers, and the silhouette of a girl in bed. She looked fast asleep, but Adam didn’t need to hear the absence of breathing to know. The girl who had the beautiful book was dead.

Because of me.

“No, no, no,” Adam found himself moaning in disbelief, shaking with the recognition of it all, “She’s dead, she’s dead.”

She is just a peasant, the ghost whispered into his thoughts.

“She’s not just a peasant,” Adam whispered, no energy in him to feel more than a modicum of indignation at the spirit’s apathy to the loss of a sweet little girl, “She’s a girl who—who had hopes and dreams like—”

Like he had. Like Chip did. Like, he was certain of it, every little boy and girl did before they grew up and found the heavy responsibilities of adulthood laid upon their shoulders and minds.

It happens in the world every day, his ghostly companion said without voice.

Again, exactly something his own father would have said.

And the more he stayed here, the more he yearned to leave, to get back to his own world where he had already been striving to make a change.

What if that change would be for naught? he wondered in great fear, unable to tear his eyes away from the bed, What if I am too old to change? Is twenty too late?

“Why are you showing me this?” Adam asked in a croaky voice, “This is all too terrible a vision!”

No words from the ghost, leaving Adam alone with his own wordless haze as he finally tore his gaze away from the dead girl in her bed, turning around to face the dim hallway again.

“What a terrible Christmas Day for them,” Adam whispered, a shiver going through his very soul at the idea, “To lose their girl today.”

The ghost flicked a hand in the hallway’s direction.

“Where are you taking me now?”

He hated the ghost’s silence, haughty and frustrating in its nature all at once. But Adam followed nevertheless, past the grieving couple, down the hall with its single, lonely candle, down the creaking, splintery steps, and past the boy sobbing at the table for his sister, back to the front door. Adam cast one last glance back at the boy, his heart going out to him again.

I’ll see to it that the girl gets the money needed. I’ll give it to the family myself if I have to.

He certainly was not going to let a little boy be all alone without his dearest sister and playmate. He couldn’t imagine how devastated he would have been had he lost Plumette at the boy’s age too. For, while she was not of his blood, she had been as close to a sister as he ever could have hoped for nevertheless. Even today, he would be devastated to lose her.

The ghost clicked his fingers, the door swinging open on its hinges—the boy at the table didn’t seem to notice a thing—and strode out into a gathering blizzard, Adam following a few steps after.

“Are we still staying in Villeneuve?”

The spectre, a smudge of charcoal against the aggressive blizzard, stilled at the question. Adam didn’t bother hoping that he would get an answer out of him, at least not verbally.

The ghost raised his hands, the blizzard swirling around him, sweeping up his cloak-like figure so that he resembled some bat in the night. Adam looked over behind him, back at the house they had just left, a watercolour behind the swipes of howling wind that should have nipped at his nose and encrusted his eyelashes, but there was none of these usual sensations.

The world beyond the blizzard blurred, fading away until Adam found himself standing in the middle of the road of yet another town. Was it another he had visited the night before with the Ghost of Christmas Present, or a new town?

“Where are we?”

He had no idea why he even bothered to ask the ghost anything as the spectre reached for his arm and pulled him forward, so he strode beside him down the street. The blizzard seemed to have followed too, as it still howled and moaned around them. Adam could see shop signs swinging and creaking against the powerful wind, and he flinched away when a cart began to tilt dangerously to one side, a few rotten vegetables spilling out onto the road, quickly snapped up by some stray dogs scavenging for anything to eat in the horrid winter weather.

Adam wrapped his arms around himself as if to protect against the cold as they rounded a corner, the prince stopping short when he saw the beggars and homeless once again lining the street. He instinctively knew he had been down here before with the Ghost of Christmas Present.

The orphanage!

“The orphanage is closed now isn’t it,” Adam said in a flat voice. “All those poor children out in the snow.”

The ghost sniffed, his only words being since the New Year.

“So it’s Christmas?”

Christmas in the future.

“The same Christmas as...as back in Villeneuve?” Adam couldn’t bear to think about that poor little girl dead in that bed with the curtains closed and her family lamenting outside.

Maybe.

Maybe. So this could have been the Christmas of the same year the orphanage closed, or it could have been a Christmas two or three years down the road.

Either way, it was clear that whatever he would find of the orphanage, he would not like. He ran ahead of the ghost, a great sense of apprehension already swelling in him, a rising nausea twisting his stomach at the thought of all those children being cast out into the harsh winter. He ignored the ghost’s surprise from behind him, trying to get him to come back, but he had to see for himself what had become of the orphanage.

Racing past sickly old men and women huddling together with their families and friends, their backs pressed against the cold stone walls of the buildings, Adam stumbled to a halt before the grand orphanage, now derelict and abandoned. He could see the sign had already become rusted, creaking and groaning like an old person in the high, frozen wind. The windows were dim, and he could make nothing of what was inside. But the emptiness of the place still keened from within. The absence of merry laughter and singing, the shouts and shrieks of boys and girls at play, and the raised voices of adults trying and failing to call orders to their charges.

He scaled the steps to try to wrench open the door, and stumbled backwards when it gave away without a protest in his hand. It creaked open, all cracking wood and splinters, and at the same time he sensed the ghost behind him, waiting without words.

Turning around on the top step, the door open behind him, he looked the spectre in its hooded eyes.

“They’re gone.”

The ghost didn’t move or speak.

“The boys are out on the streets, as are the girls.”

The smallest of nods from the ghost.

“My high taxes did this.”

I’m surprised you care so much, the ghost’s voiceless words taunted, Why? Is this what your father would have wanted?

And from deep within him, he didn’t quite understand from where it had come from, a surge of courage burst in his heart.

“My father is no longer alive, and what he would have wanted—”

Does his shadow still haunt you?

“I—”

And it hit him then why the ghost was a shadow, looming large over him, a vice grip in its spindly fingers and a haughty air about its wrinkled nose and sneering lips. How it had appeared so much like his father.

It’s the shadow of my father’s influence.

The shadow of his father’s influence and what it would bring upon future Christmases for his people should he not try to change and make a better difference. Back at the castle in this...vision or whatever it was, he was a Beast, doomed to live out the rest of his days in isolation, forgotten by everybody, unloved by all.

“What happened to the children in this orphanage?”

The ghost swept an arm out at the street, nodding over at the huddled masses. Adam’s breath hitched when he saw, indeed, there were many more little girls and boys on this street than there had been the last time he’d been here.

“Oh…”

He looked back at the orphanage, squinting up at the abandoned room. The windows had been boarded by planks of wood, there was a jagged hole in another window, and a huge spider skittered past Adam’s feet. The prince, suddenly aware of a huge cobweb right next to his head, ducked out of the doorway in haste.

Looking around, he saw rows and rows of abandoned tables and chairs, and he wondered how long they had stayed undisturbed by anyone. He imagined the only living things feasting in this forsaken place were rodents huddling around under tables and nesting under the windows. And there, on the windowsill of another broken window, he saw what looked to be an empty pigeon’s nest, sticks blowing idly in the wind.

It made him shiver to see it so empty and devoid of life, without the noise and clamour of dozens of happy little girls and boys oblivious that their days in the orphanage were limited.

No wonder the Enchantress turned me into a Beast.

He was sure he’d have deserved it had he let this happen. But he was not so sure his servants ever deserved the same, or a similar, fate as he did. What, besides doing nothing to comfort him that he wasn’t alone, did they do to deserve any punishment?

Unable to stand being in the orphanage any longer, the prince turned his back on the empty chairs at empty tables, letting the wind shut the door behind him as he stepped back outside.

“Surely you have shown me enough?” he demanded of the ghost, more out of desperation that it be over sooner rather than later.

The ghost swiftly swung around to glide down the street again, past a man blowing desperately on black frost-bitten fingers, a couple snuggling together, eyes closed as if they were asleep though they shivered greatly in slumber, and a child building a very tiny snowman, using old, cast aside buttons for its eyes.

Terrible, such terrible sights! How can I survive more of this?!

If the ghost showed him one thing more, surely he would not survive to see another!

Can one die of seeing too many terrible sights?

He imagined it not impossible, for surely he would were he to see any more of awful, saddening moments such as this. To imagine all those poor people homeless in the cold on Christmas Day without any hope of a warm fire, a toasty dinner followed by spiced wine and dessert, and family and friends huddled around the hearth.

The ghost kept on going, his form a smudge of shadow against the grim weather, the sky overhead darkening with black clouds full of thunder and torrential rain ready to be spilt upon the earth. They kept going, trudging over broken wares in the streets, skirting broken carts abandoned in the snow, and the street fell away to a crossroads where he was now led to a quiet little cottage where, peering in, he once again saw the same brunette woman from the night before with her loving father. To Adam, it seemed they were the only figures in this entire town who had missed the grim tragedies that had befallen the others. The music box still tinkered from behind the window, but Adam fancied the melody to have a sadder harmony to it.

“They don’t seem any less happy than last night,” he observed, “Why?”

Why are you so interested in them?

“They seem to have escaped the ravages of what I have done.”

I cannot tell you more. Back to the castle.

The world swirled tight around them, colour melting into drab shades of grey and black, the blizzard pressing in upon them, clearing away abruptly, candles erupting into flame around them. The prince didn’t need to take more than a glance to see he was in the West Wing. He thought he might have come back into the real world, if it weren’t for the ghost at his side nor the Beast hunched over a table upon which sat a bell jar with a half-wilted floating rose inside. And, unlike his own room in his present, this West Wing was a mess to say the least. Oh! And the smell! Adam found the smell of past meaty meals, decay, and poor hygiene so offensive he began to breathe through his mouth rather than his nose, so that he might not be assailed so much by the odour.

“What on earth…”

He stared around the messy wing, the bed clearly not slept in for a very long time, if not since his future self had been transformed.

Another Christmas, the ghost whispered without moving his lips, Another lonely day for a Beast.

“He has still not found love?”

Who could ever love a beast?  the ghost asked, his tone rhetorical.

And suddenly, from outside, the sounds of an angry mob, Adam running at once to see what the fervour was. The Beast, just as everyone else did in these strange visions, never noticed or reacted to their presence.

Adam gasped. Outside, snaking through the forest, their torches held aloft, he could see what looked to be a huge line of angry villagers sneaking their way up to the castle.

To kill the Beast, the ghost informed him.

A prickle of horror went down his spine.

“The servants! Have they abandoned him?”

Transformed.

Transformed. That’s right, they had been transformed for transgressions the Enchantress had claimed against them. Adam still did not see why they had to share in his Beast self’s misery; couldn’t they just have been let go? Or—

Or did they love him too much to go anyway, transformed or not?

Speaking of servants, Adam’s ears perked up when he caught the familiar sound of Cogsworth’s voice, trying to get the Beast’s attention about the mob.

“It doesn’t matter now,” the Beast form of him said, not bothering to hide his hopeless despair, “Let them come.”

Adam’s heart sunk to hear such empty hopelessness in his words, but it rose a little again when Cogsworth made it clear that he, and the other servants, refused to let the mob come and kill him, even if he was an unpleasant personality in the castle. The ghost remained suspiciously quiet on this front, his only reaction being to quickly gesture to the prince to follow him elsewhere in the castle.

It was strange, this, walking through the halls of his own castle with its familiar walls, floors, decorations, and all. He could have reached out and touched the walls and recall the familiar textures. He could imagine the portraits’ eyes following them in the dark from where they sat high upon their places on the walls. And somewhere in the distance, he heard what sounded like a dramatic fight, complete with yells and screams and shouts, from the front entrance.

“What’s going on?”

But the ghost snapped his fingers again, and the world shifted, blurring forward like time had been yanked ahead of itself until all was silent again, a silence that Adam did not like. Something was wrong. Horribly, deeply, terribly wrong.

Stay with me, the ghost commanded him as he led the prince through the ajar doors of the front entrance, down, down to the balcony where a candelabra was proclaiming joyous victory in—

That candelabra had Lumiere’s voice. And the feather-duster lying in his arms had to be Plumette; even in this strange transformation, Lumiere showed deep devotion.

Oh no…

The last petal has fallen, the ghost said in a flat monotone.

And, deep down, Adam knew exactly what that meant.

They were in this form for good.

Did they deserve that? Did I deserve that?

“Plumette? Plumette!”

Adam’s attention snapped back to the candelabra—Lumiere—who was now sagging with the weight of sorrow and despair as Plumette stiffened and became inanimate, a feather-duster with no soul or thoughts, forever.

“Oh my darling Plumette!”

Adam stared as the candelabra sank to his knees, laying the feather-duster on the snow, bowing over in devastation over his beloved Plumette.

Because of me.

He found himself reaching out to Lumiere—no, the candelabra—Lumiere and the feather-duster—Plumette—without realising, like he was trying to offer them some comfort or help. He drew his hand back in some self-consciousness, looking to see the ghost still nearby, looking for all the world unaffected by all that was going on.

“Chip! Have you seen Chip! He ran off!”

The British accent left no doubt as to who that was, even though she was now, Adam saw, a teapot atop a tea tray and cart. Both Lumiere and Cogsworth—the latter now a clock—turned with helpless expressions and motions in her direction.

And then—she was gone. Forever. Not even a hint of anything to suggest the teapot was once a beloved servant.

“MAMA!”

Adam flinched, looking up, as did Cogsworth and Lumiere, as a small teacup began to fall down to the ground, sure to shatter when he hit.

Chip?!

It was one thing that the Enchantress had turned Mrs Potts into a teapot, but a little boy into a teacup? A form even more fragile than that of Mrs Potts’!

He’s going to shatter.

He made to look away, but not before he caught sight of a coat hanger bending down to catch the teacup literally an inch away from smashing on the snow-laden stonework. Adam let out his breath, at the same time realising that the coat hanger, so quiet and modest in the heroic rescue, had to be Chapeau. Chapeau who straightened up and stiffened forever into the form of a coat hanger.

All that was left were Cogsworth and Lumiere, the former turning to Lumiere, choking on his words, trying to gasp out his last words to his old friend before too becoming inanimate.

“Lumiere…my friend…it was an honour to serve…with you.”

A final chime and Cogsworth was gone too. Adam’s breath hitched, eyes growing wide as Lumiere, who happened to be facing in the prince’s direction, gave his final little bow.

“The honour…was mine.”

And, with one last flourish, Lumiere’s form twisted around until he became a fully formed candelabra for good. Forever.

No!

“NO!”

Adam reeled back from the horror, stumbling backwards, his heel hitting the stonework, managed to steady himself on his feet in time, though his knees trembled with great horror from the scene.

Oh my son. They were only servants, the ghost taunted him.

Adam knew before turning around that the ghost would look, once again, just like his father. And—he was, but so much more terrible looking. So much older and more terrifying, eyes cold as blue marbles, his lips twisted into a sneer, looking almost…proud of him. And in that moment, somewhere deep inside him, something awakened in Adam. Something courageous, shaking in terror, but brave all the same like his mother had had to be, awakened in him. Straightening himself up, he looked the terrible ghost dead in the eye.

“They—are—my—family. More than you have ever been or ever will. And you? You are family in name only.”

The ghost snarled at him, and lunged, Adam flinching back on instinct, raising his arms as the ghost howled at him, twisting around him until Adam could see nothing but the blackness of the spectre, choking him, sending him to his knees in the snow, cold biting into his feet, soaking into his nightclothes, freezing his hands.

“In—name—only!”

And he broke down into sobs there in the snow, not caring what the ghost—now strangely absent—thought of him. He thought of the orphanage, of the dead girl, of the lost servants he’d come to see as family, of everything he had done that he had thought right, and now knew to be wrong. His fingers clawed into the snow, his shoulders shook, tears half-freezing as they dripped down his face.

It was only when he heard a familiar shout from the open entranceway did he realise he was back in the present day, and he was somehow out here in the very cold snow on a very cold Christmas morning in the small hours of night.

“Mon prince! Plumette! Get Mrs Potts!”

And he didn’t resist in the slightest when strong hands pulled him back to his feet, wrapping comforting arms around him in a tight hug, the likes of one he had not felt since he was a child.

[buttercream-me-up]

Crash // Maynard Brothers

Word Count: 1842

Summary- You get into a car crash, and suddenly your twin starts acting weird.

Warnings; car crash, mention of a coma, & swears? (don’t actually remember, this was written in like a 3 day span and I can’t be bothered to check.)

A/n; I thought I’d try a different writing style, tell me what you think?? Also I’m lowkey really happy with this one, but at the same time, I’m not. Idk. Let me know your thoughts.

Requested; Yes.

req; Is it ok if you do an imagine with jack? It takes place post car accident (with both reader and jack in the car, without jack, either is fine. You can even write the accident if you wanted idc) and he is TERRIFIED of you getting anywhere near a car? It's ok if you can't, I know it's a lot XD

*ITALIC WRITING- FLASHBACK

*NORMAL- PRESENT

-

“Can you pick up some Nando’s on the way home?” Jack asked, his voice playing through the car’s speakers. “Sure thing Jack.” You said, your eyes not moving off the road. You were thankful cars had Bluetooth, especially for calls. It made everything so easy. “Anything in particular you wan-” You began to say, but were cut off by a huge smashing sound, glass flying and the world spinning rapidly, before you hit your head and everything went black.

You shot up out of your bed, drenched in sweat. You had tears rolling down your cheeks, and you were panting heavily. You mentally cursed yourself for still shaking at the thought of that day. It still haunted you like a fresh wound; as if it were only yesterday. Even if for half of that period you weren’t awake, it was still hard to believe. You expected it to scar you, but you didn’t think it would be quite like this.

Beep. Beep. Beep. “Please, Y/N, please..” You faintly heard, the sound familiar, but indistinguishable. “I need you, please..” You groaned, the bright light nearly blinding you as you peeled open your eyes. The room you found yourself in was unfamiliar, ugly light yellow walls surrounding you and very bright long lights stretched across the ceiling. You weren’t sure where you were, but you knew it wasn’t your room.

The crash. Thankfully, no one got hurt. No one else, anyway. The truck that hit you spun out of control and smashed into the side of your car. You were in a coma for a month. Or so you were told. You struggled to wrap your head around the situation. A whole month. A whole month you were in complete darkness. It felt like mere hours, the distant beeps you now know was the heart monitor, a noise in the background of the dark abyss you found yourself in.

You rubbed your eyes. When you raised it, your arm felt slightly restricted, and you looked down, you realized there were IVs in your arm and hand. “What the..” You whispered, throat sore. “Where am I?” You rasped, as if you hadn’t spoken in weeks. “Y/N?” You looked up at the sound of a voice, your blue eyes meeting the concerned, yet relieved ones of your twin. “Jack?” You whispered, unable to speak fully with your dry, sore throat. Jack looked stunned, but shook his head, jumping up suddenly, running to the door and throwing it open. “Doctor! Nurse! She’s awake!” He called out to the room, and a bunch of people crowded in.

You shook your head. You knew you weren’t the only one who was suffering. For you, it was terrifying; and the worst part was; you didn’t even see it coming. You only felt the impact; mentally, and physically. Jack, on the other hand, was taking it harder than you. You couldn’t imagine what he’d been through in the last month. You on one hand, were trapped in the abyss of nothing, unknowing of time or anything around you. Jack had to spend every day, waiting agonizingly for his other half to wake up, praying she would come back. Praying you would come back. Maybe you would know, but he refused to look at you, let alone talk to you.

“Hello, dear. I’m a doctor. You’re in the hospital. Can you tell me your name, some facts about you and the last thing you remember?” A man told/asked you. “My name is Y/N Maynard, I’m 22 years old, and I have a twin brother named Jack, and older brother named Conor and a younger sister named Anna. Last I remember is driving my car and a loud crashing sound.” You said, slightly confused. The doctor smiled, though it was bittersweet, you didn’t know why. That’s when the news came. “You’ve been in a coma for a month, Y/N.”

Jack was always a very secluded person. He liked his feelings to stay his; to keep things to himself. Always, ever since you were a kid, you were his only exception. You were the one he’d go to for everything, from girl problems to anxiety attacks, you were his rock. Now, you felt like you were missing your other half. Jack had shut himself from not only you, but everyone. All his friends were worried, Conor was worried. You weren’t worried. You were absolutely terrified.

After the news, the doctors left, and you were sitting in silence. The door creaked, and in walked several sets of footsteps. The watery eyes of Conor, Anna, your mum and dad met your own, and a smile illuminated your face. “Hi.” You croaked, and they all ran over, squishing you in a Maynard hug. Except one. “Where’s Jack?” You asked, the pain evident in your groggy voice. “He said he needed time.” Conor whispered, tucking your hair behind your ears and scanning your face, as if unbelieving you were awake. “I’m sorry.” Conor said, he knew how much you wanted your twin, and he wasn’t there.

“Jack. Let me in.” You pleaded, banging on his door. “No.” He said, and you distinctively heard his voice crack. “Jack please..” “Leave me alone, Y/N!” He yelled, clearly annoyed. “No, Jack! Stop whatever this is! I want to know why you’ve shut me out since I got back! You didn’t even visit me in the hospital for god's sake!” You screamed, and the door swung open.

“Why not?” You asked, wanting to know at least a decent reason Jack wasn’t here. Conor looked at your parents, as if asking if he should tell you. They look to each other, unsure. Anna steps up to your bed, and only then did you notice the tears running down her cheeks. “He thinks it’s his fault.” She whispered, choking back a sob. You took in a sharp breath, completely stunned by the news.

“You wanna know why I wasn’t there? One month, Y/N! An entire month without my sister, without you! I watched you for weeks, sitting in absolute silence! I talked to you, and you didn’t reply! The doctors said you could’ve died! By the way things were going, I thought you already were dead! What the hell would I have done then? I need you! You’re the better half of me, and I’m scared, alright? I’m scared of losing you!” Jack screamed, and you fell silent. You quickly realized the tears running down his already stained cheeks, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

“How would it be his fault? That doesn’t make sense..” You stuttered, your heart rate increasing. “Relax, relax, Y/N.” Your mom said, stroking your forehead gently. “You were on the phone with him when you were driving, yeah?” Anna asked, and Conor looked about ready to pull her out of the room. He stepped forward, presumably to do so, but you cut him off. “Yeah..” You answered, and suddenly, it all made sense.

“Jack..” You whispered, tears blurring your own sight. “No! I spent a month talking to your limp body. I prepared myself for the worst. I shut out everyone because all I wanted was you. I wanted my twin. You weren’t there, and it was all my fault!” He sobbed, and you ran over engulfing him in a hug. He tensed, but let his arms swing around your torso and pull you close. “I was so scared, Y/N..” He whimpered, and you realized just how hard this must’ve been for him.

“He thinks he distracted me because he was talking to me on the phone? He thinks I crashed because of that?” You asked, your voice cracking. None of your family answered, but Conor was giving Anna a look, as to say ‘you’ve fucked up.’ She backed away slightly, an apologetic look in her eyes. “Sorry.” She muttered, mainly to Conor. “B-but, I didn’t even crash! The truck ran into me!” You said, trying desperately to make an excuse for Jack not to feel guilty. You failed.

“Jack, I’m right here. I didn’t die. It’s not your fault, you know? The truck hit me, not the other way around.” You said, pulling him back to be face to face with his. “I was calling you, I was still distracting you from the road. It was my fault.” He stuttered, trying to control the seemingly endless stream of tears. “Jack, it’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re both fine. It was not your fault, okay? I promise.” You said, and he broke down, sobbing into your shoulder.

“I want to see him.” You said, looking at your family. They all gave each other looks. Anna gestured for Conor to speak, as besides Jack, you were the closest with him. He ran a hand through his hair; a nervous tick of his. He stepped forward, looking down at you sadly.You could see up close, he had tears blurring his eyes, and you knew the news wouldn’t be good. “Y/N.. He doesn’t want to see you.” Conor said, softly.

“The Uber is here.” You muttered, rubbing his back soothingly. “No!” Jack exclaimed, grabbing you tighter. You frowned, confused. “Jack, why not? We have to go to Conor’s.” You said, looking into his eyes. “W-what… what if we crash?” He stutters, nervously. “Jack, we won’t. What happened to me was a rare occasion. It won’t happen again. I won’t leave you again, okay? This time, you’ll be there for me too, right?” You told him, and he nodded.

“How could he not want to see me! This is ridiculous!” You cried, tears running down your face. Your family smiled sadly. “He’s been here for a month, Y/N. He thought you were going to die.” Anna blurted, being shushed once again by the eldest Maynard child. “Did you all think that?” You asked, vulnerably. Conor frowned. “We didn’t know what to think, Y/N. For all we knew, you could’ve already been dead.” “But I’m not.” You defended, saddened by the thought your twin didn’t want to see you. “We know, and he knows too. He’s just scared you wouldn’t be.” Your dad said, grabbing your hand and squeezing it lightly. “It was a bit of a shock for us all.”

“Now let’s go before we get a complaint from our driver.” You teased, and he wiped his red eyes. “I look like shit.” He said, looking at his reflection in his phone camera. “You always do. Come onnn!” You said, pulling his arm. He looked at you in mock offense, storming off in front of you. He took off into a run, calling back “Last one there is a rotten egg!” You laughed at the childish nature of your twin, but you were glad he was back to normal, and you’d much prefer him like this than have him shut you out at all. “I win, Y/N!” Even if he was an annoying twin, he was your annoying twin, and you wouldn’t change it for the world.

[yeoldontknow]

800 Followers Inspire Forever

it has been three days since i hit the last hundred; i am still working on the drabbles from 600; and now it is barely mid morning and this glorious event has occurred. i know i say it every single time, but it’s true: i literally cannot believe this has happened or is happening. it’s happening so quickly and im overwhelmed every single day. i feel so truly honored and blessed that people are still arriving at my blog, deciding they want to see more PCY/Hoseok meltdowns, and me drunkenly waxing poetic about My Guys. i appreciate every single one of you to actual infinity, and i dont have any words to describe how happy this makes me, or how amazed it makes me. 

SO instead of blathering everyone’s ear off about how crazy this is to me or how blessed it makes me feel; instead of doing a follow forever like i did for the first 500, im going to do something different. 

i want to do a kind of inspiration post where i detail the people here who inspire me to be better, both as a creative person and a general human, and the people who, even if they don’t follow me, manage their time here with grace, aplomb, and wild creativity. for each person listed, i will rec my fave things. that said, i would like to make clear i am not a fic recs blog and i will explain why below. 

LETS GET INTO IT

ive actually only been in the kpop world since april, so when i tell you this is all happening crazy fast to me - i mean this is bonkers. but i spent a solid month in april reading the hell out of the fandom’s work. i think there was a good three weeks where i did nothing but tear through some masterlists, and i even stayed up an entire saturday night until 8AM finishing a fic. i dont have that much time anymore to read, though i try to. it takes me longer, especially because i dont read on days im writing, and summer traveling + weddings makes it hard. but i still read and i still follow posts and even though it takes me time, im still there. for this reason, i am not an adequate fic recs blog and im sure there is tons of content i will be missing. 

but these are the people/writers to inspire me everyday to push, and continue, and world build until the only reality i have is one filled with beauty and joy <3

bold | mutuals / italics | non-mutual whose writing i adore

@kpopfanfictrash - my duchess. her fic One Shot was the very first fic i ever read in the kpop fandom, and from there she has moved swiftly into being one of my closest friends; a soundboard for my fantasy worlds, a demon who feeds me tae pictures even when i dont need (or want) them, and a sister who listens to me vent when i am stressed. she is supportive, genuine, and kind, and inspires me daily to give back this same loving, positive energy. her mind bewilders me, how full it is of characters, worlds, and words. she is second to none and that is why she is first here.  Fic Rec: literally her entire masterlist is gold, but Addewid and No Strings are must reads that not only will have you falling in love with every character and world, but will show you just how versatile of a writer she is.

@kollectionn - after i read One Shot, i found Charred. i read charred, struck, and then her entire masterlist - in two days. two days. i re-read charred on the third, and then sent her an ask because i couldnt cope with how good it was and wanted to cry at someone about it. i thought shed be whatever about it, but she was kind. and then we started talking. and now we talk everyday, and i get to call her one of my best friends. i get really emotional when i talk about C because, to me, she is the epitome of good-ness. the heart she has, the imagination she has - unprecedented. she pushes me into whole magical worlds i never thought possible and i am blessed to have her in my life. Fic Rec: Charred but like, read Struck and Roots too. the entire Other World series is published book quality and its been a while since ive read a fantasy this interwoven and connected and VIVID.

@daegusoftboys - the first BTS fic i ever read was Long Forgotten Sons. i’m really not sure how i found it, only know that after shan started launching me down the BTS rabbit hole i found a sort of oasis fever dream of a zombie au and i devoured it all in about an hour. and then i got to talk to jo, and my whole life brightened. jo is so gentle and sweet - soft, but subtle in her wit and makes me die with laughter. im inspired by her mind daily, im inspired by her sweetness. i would walk through fire for her just to ensure she got to wave at yoongi. so open and gentle and bewilderingly creative, im so, so happy i get to call her my Aquarius Sister. Fic Rec: Long Forgotten Sons - literally AMAZING

@the-porcelain-doll-xo - seems only fitting that i devoured her masterlist after i found her PCY smut. my sister wife, my chogihoe, a real sister whom i adore to pieces. i didn’t know her at all, had never talked to her, but felt a strong affinity to her - the magnetic poles of the universe saying ‘you are both hoes and really should be friends.’ i love that she has over 300 biases because it makes sense - fal has so much love to give, i can’t fathom ever wanting to restrict it. i love that she understands my passion for PCYs ears - because they are perfect and there is one for both of us. i love that she is unwavering in her honesty and her bravery and her kindness. the world needs more of her, and im glad i get this one <3 Fic Rec: Across The Hall, At Large, and Touch

@nunchiwrites - after the EXO NJ show, i was shook to death. and through my random searches here, i found her account of her time at the gig and, thus, her masterlist. id already had an idea for a vampire story in my head, so i didnt actually start reading Devil’s Advocate until about a month into talking to her - and i really think im blessed. i got to read everything else she wrote, got to get to know her as a person and as an angel - literally, an angel, sent from heaven to make this earth a better place. i got to see her for who she is - my tiny queen, my little sister. my first writer friend here, one of my first friends here in general. im lucky and blessed to have her <3 Fic Rec: Devil’s Advocate but also Of Lemon Grass and French Vanilla

@xhixtape - i read her entire masterlist on a plane in june. this was not long after i had just discerned that hobi was my bias and, unless EXO came back, he was gonna be fighting PCY for ult status (he lost, but like...eh still trying). her writing did not help. every story is unique in its characterization and every story is so believable and human. having followed her for a while, there’s a genuineness to the way she runs her blog and writes her stories. i admire this, how open and kind she is. and as a hobihoe, im really grateful that she keeps my ass well fed even if she doesn’t know it.  Fic Rec: View From 4-B - this entire universe is golden

@1honeypot - do you want me to wax poetic about Dépaysement for an hour? because i can? tbh, i started this because hobi and also i speak french, so i thought this was a francais kind of thing. stayed because 1) it’s literally amazing 2) the characters real, genuine, human, and hilarious 3) because the universe itself is filled to the brim with characters who are so unique and not cardboard cutouts of background scenery (lmao im not witty) that the world feels textured and rich Fic Rec: obviously Dépaysement - educate yourselves

@imdifferentshadesofpurple - a queen, a goddess divine. only recently have been lucky enough to call her a friend and collaborator (hello cartel, yes we see you!). mo is a literal, actual angel. someone i cannot believe is real. how she finds time in her day to do all the things she does PLUS be engaged, supportive, chatty, open, im constantly amazed. every time i talk to her, im filled with positive energy and a desire to push myself to accomplish more. shes a queen, a literal queen. Fic Rec: The Bone Witch - i binged this last week and im shaken to the core

other writers and people who inspire me and push me to live my best life include:

@pebble-xo (please read soulmate au alone because its iconic, and she also is a goddess made of kindness <3) @ellieljade @rapmonluv @kimnamwho (BABY GIRL YOU IS A WRITER NOW) @kpopandlock (you is an inspiration dont even pretend) @rudeboywonho (READ HER JINYOUNG TIME LORD OH MY HEAVENS TO BETSY, also she is a wife of mine and i love her so much i can hardly cope) @suhotrashanon (my OTHER wife, i never said i wasnt a hoe) @suho-mochi @chanyeolspout and @soobadnoonecanstopher

everyone listed here, plus more, inspires me every single day in some way. it doesnt matter if they are mutuals or not, they deserve recognition for their talents, their kindness, and their willingness to give their imagination to the world. creating content is difficult - remaining positive is even more difficult. if the only thing you get out of this long post is some great stories to read - hurray! but pay attention to the people behind the blogs, because they are incredible too.

i want to thank every single person (all 811 of you, two more arrived while writing this HELLO FRIENDS) for clicking follow on my blog. i hope i can continue to to keep your dash fun, positive, and filled with love. you are all special, meaningful, and beautiful. please treat yourselves with kindness, today and always <3

[multifandombitxh]

Title: Devil in the Details (ch.4) Pairing: Cassian Andor x Fem!Reader Genre: Fluff/Smut Warnings: Mentions of IVs/Blood, Sexually explicit content/Unprotected sex(pls be safe). The two don’t correlate, I promise. A/N: I’ve made it pretty obvious that smut isn’t my strong suit, but I decided to put that insecurity aside since a lot of people were asking for Cassian/Reader smut. This was extremely hard to write, I’ve written so many different variations of this chapter and this was the one I was happiest with. Hope it’s alright! I kinda half-assed proofreading so if anything sounds weird, that's probably why. Important note: no bras in space. You’d be strangled to death. <3 Edit: I cannot believe I didn’t put unprotected sex in the warnings when I first posted this. Like I don’t know how that went right over my head. Anyway hi I’m a piece of shit lmao Tag list: @badwolfandtimelords @geeky-girl-394 @princeofsassgard @the-glasses-are-my-disguise @wisestydia14 @seargantbcky (if you’d like to be added or removed from the list, pls let me know!) Chapters 1-3: (tumblr) (AO3)

IV: Penumbra

“Y/N, I have to leave.”

“So leave then.”

“What, no goodbye?”

“I’m tired, Cass. We were up late.”

“We’re always up late.”

“Which is exactly why you should let me sleep in.”

Cassian shifted behind you and you felt his arm wrap around your waist. He moved closer and pressed his body against yours, his warm breath hitting the back of your neck and sending goosebumps all across your skin. A pair of lips kissed from the base of your neck to your ear slowly and you welcomed the embrace, taking a deep breath through your nose and smiling.

Two months had passed since that day in the clearing, and things were a lot different than they were before. Not so much in your work, but in your personal and social life. Apparently, against his better judgement, Cassian told K-2SO about your kiss, which was a bad move. Thanks to his lack of a filter, the droid made jokes about it to anyone who would listen, being especially ruthless when either of you were around. Because of this, keeping your relationship a secret was completely out of the question.

It didn’t change how you treated each other, but it definitely made things around the base more difficult. Like all rumors, the news of your relationship spread like wildfire, and there wasn’t a single person who didn’t know you and Cassian were together. You were grateful that most of the rebels were mature, level-headed adults who didn’t care and minded their own business. There were, of course, a few people who couldn’t keep their mouths shut and made jokes from time to time. They were mostly harmless, but annoying nonetheless.

Even if everyone and their droid knew you were dating, Cassian still tried to keep the PDA to a minimum. There was no point in putting yourselves out there anymore than you already were, so you didn’t get much more than a wink or two from across the room during the day. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly affectionate, he would sneak kisses from you in secluded hallways, or hold your hand under tables.

When you were alone, on the other hand, he didn’t try to hide it in the slightest. What he was lacking during the day he would seek out at night, whether that was a deep conversation, a heated make-out session, or something in between. You spent every single night together, seeing as though it was the only real time you had to be alone with each other. It became a habit to stay up far too late, which is exactly what you’d done the night before, and you regretted it every morning without fail.

“As much as I’d love to stay,” Cassian said after he’d finished pressing butterfly kisses to your neck, “I have a lot to do today.”

“Does any of it involve getting your girlfriend out of work?”

“Only if she wants to disassemble blasters and put them back together all day.”

“I’ll stick to IV training then.”

Cassian rolled out of bed and began putting on his boots as he spoke. “They’ve already got you doing IV’s?“

“Blood work, too,” you sighed, rolling over to face him. “I don’t like it. I stabbed someone four times the other day because I couldn’t find their stupid vein.”

“I’ll remember not to go in on your shift the next time I need blood taken, then.”

“Way to be supportive, jerk.”

“I do it out of love,” Cassian grinned. He stood from the bed and turned to press a kiss to the top of your head. “You’ll do fine. I’ll see you later tonight?”

“As always,” you said, smiling up at him. He left your room, pulling on his jacket as the door closed behind him. You rolled over and decided you deserved at least five more minutes of sleep before getting up for the day.

As per the usual, work was chaotic. You’d come to expect it at this point, if you were being honest. Not a day went by where you weren’t challenged physically and emotionally, and it was beginning to take a toll on you. Every time someone mentioned the words “IV” or “Syringe” you had a mini heart attack, and it was getting old quick. You wondered if you’d ever get used to it.

As if Cassian had predicted it, a blood drive was held that day, much to your dismay. Lucky for Cassian, he was too busy to donate blood. At least that prediction hadn’t come true. You’d just finished up with the last donor and you were still washing your hands when K-2SO came into the infirmary.

“Y/N,” he said as he approached you.

“Hey, what’s going on?” you asked, shooting the droid a smile and drying off your hands.

“Cassian is looking for you,” he replied, “I’m here to take you to him.”

“Oh,” you said, “Um, alright, lead the way.”

You followed the towering droid, feeling exceptionally small as you walked beside him. He took much larger strides than you did, so you had to power walk just to keep up.

“Did he say why he was looking for me?” you asked, beginning to lose your breath.

“No. He doesn’t tell me much these days,” he said in a sarcastic tone.

“Is that... my fault?” you questioned.

“If you want my opinion, yes,” he said simply, “But he likes you, so I am trying to as well.”

“You don’t have to pretend to like me if you don’t, K.”

“Cassian cares for you. If he does, then so do I.”

“Thanks, I think.”

K-2SO, having abandoned your little chat, led you outside to Cassian’s U-Wing where he was waiting. He was leaning against the side of the ship, his arms folded across his chest and his jacket thrown over his shoulder. A gentle breeze blew his hair about his face and the sunlight brought out his highlights, making him look much more handsome than usual, as if that were even possible.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come with?” K asked as you approached.

“We’ll be fine,” Cassian answered, climbing into his ship and offering you his hand to pull you up.

”Y/N,” you heard K2 say, locking eyes with you. “Be careful.”

You nodded, his statement making your stomach turn over. “Always am.”

After helping you into the ship, Cassian shot his friend a warning glance, knowing exactly what he was talking about.

He hadn’t been very convinced that Cassian was actually with you. K-2SO gave him all sorts of hell for leading you on, even though he wasn’t. Cassian was reminded every day of his guilt, and K wasn’t exactly helpful of that. It ate him up inside, knowing that he was prepared to use you to his advantage. He knew it was wrong to keep it from you, and he probably should have told you when you began seeing each other officially. The problem was, he just didn’t have the heart to tell you. It would crush you, and he knew that, so a secret it remained.

K-2SO watched as the door closed behind the two of you before mumbling, “Irresponsible,” and wandering away.

“Is he okay?” you asked once the doors shut.

“He’ll be fine,” Cassian said, “He just gets jealous sometimes. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

“Jealous of..?” you trailed off.

He smiled and kissed your cheek. “You.”

“I think K should have come with us,” you said nervously from the other pilot’s seat, “He’s way more qualified for this than I am.”

“I told you, all you have to do is flip that switch when I tell you to and I’ll take care of everything else,” Cassian said.

“Where are we even going?” you asked.

“You’ll see when we get there. You’ll love it, I promise. Flip the switch.”

“That’s pretty vague, even for you, Cass.”

“The switch, Y/N.”

“Right, sorry.”

It had been nearly half an hour since you’d first left and you were growing impatient. You silently wondered what the deal was with Cassian and secret surprises. First it was the clearing, and now this. It made you curious about what else he had up his sleeve.

The ship came to a stop and idled. Beside you Cassian unhooked his safety restraints and stepped down from the cockpit, so you did the same, with his help, of course. He knew you didn’t need it, but that wasn’t about to stop him. It helped eased his conscience to do little things like that, even if it was annoying from time to time. You’d told him a million times that you didn’t need him to open every single door for you, or that you could put on a jacket without his help, but he never listened. It was sweet, in its own way.

“So, where are we?” you asked, taking his hand and stepping down from the platform.

“Nowhere in particular,” he said, offering you a grin. “Close your eyes.”

You cocked an eyebrow at him but complied, then followed as he carefully led you into the back of the ship. He sat you down in one of the seats and sat on your right side, still grinning like an idiot.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

When you did, you weren’t completely sure what you were looking at. A large, sparkling cloud of purple and sapphire dust stretched in front of the window, seemingly far away, but close enough to touch at the same time. What looked like red veins framed the nebula, adding a whole new dimension to the scene. The cloud cast a faint, violet glow on the inside of the ship, making everything inside look far more beautiful than it actually was.

”I don’t see these very often,” Cassian said, “But I passed this one the last time I was out here and had to show you.”

“So this wasn’t just your way of getting me alone?” you joked, nudging him with your shoulder playfully.

“Well, there’s that too,” he chuckled, nudging you back.

That same comfortable silence settled in as you gazed out the window together, taking in the beauty of the galaxy. Minutes passed and you watched in amazement as the cloud shifted and changed shades. You whispered a hushed “wow” and Cassian smirked, having just thought the same thing.

He wasn’t focused on the nebula, though. He’d started watching you instead, finding himself much more bewitched by your expression than the mist outside the window. Your comment from earlier flashed in his mind and he was reminded that you were completely alone together, with no distractions and no interruptions. There was no threat of anyone walking in on you, none whatsoever. The thought made him shiver.

He placed his left hand just above your knee and let his thumb stroke the area lazily. No going back now.

You tore your gaze from the scenery to look down at his hand, your eyebrows drawn together. When you turned to ask him what he was doing, your expression softened and realization hit you. You knew exactly what he was doing, just based on the wanton look in his eye.

Any open space between you became nonexistent as Cassian pressed his lips against yours. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto his lap without breaking the kiss, both of your legs on either side of his body. One of his hands slid up the back of your shirt gradually, the feeling of his fingers against your warm skin sending a tremor through your veins. Your shirt was removed and tossed to the side, leaving you bare in front of him.

His eyes- as well as his hands- trailed over your exposed torso, making a mental map of every scar, birth mark, and freckle. Naturally, you felt the urge to cover yourself again, your skin flushing pink from your cheeks to your nose and stopping at your ears. Sensing your discomfort, Cassian took your chin between his thumb and forefinger and locked his eyes with yours.

“You don’t need to be nervous,” he said softly, “I want you as you are.”

With your confidence restored, you reattached your lips to his and draped your arms over his shoulders, your fingers becoming lost in his hair. You felt him smile into the kiss as he stood with you in his arms, laying you down on the floor and his hips colliding with yours. He abandoned your lips to pressed open-mouthed kisses from your ear to your collarbone, the act making your head spin. He undid the button on your jeans with the zipper following soon after and continued to mark your neck with his lips, something you’d have to scold him for later.

As he slid his hand into your trousers, his middle finger brushed that especially sensitive bundle of nerves in just the right way. You whined and squirmed against his touch, your hips lifting off the ground involuntarily. Cassian caught on and caressed the spot once more, a little more forcefully this time.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmured into your ear. His hot breath against your neck paired with the wonders he was doing to your clit was making it incredibly difficult to focus on anything but finding release, but you managed to form words anyway.

“Do not stop,” you said, your throat having gone dry. Cassian chuckled darkly, the sound sending a spark straight down your spine.

“I won’t.”

His finger picked up the pace by a fraction and he leaned in to kiss your lips, swallowing the moans you began emitting as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. His movements were slow but firm, like he was trying to draw out your pleasure as long as he possibly could. It was driving you crazy, to say the least.

He abandoned your clit to explore your entrance, coating his fingers in your fluids before slipping one inside of you carefully. You gripped his bicep as he did this, waiting for your body to adjust to the feeling before relaxing and releasing a sigh.

“Is this alright?” he asked, looking into your eyes.

You nodded in response, unable to find your voice. He began moving the digit in and out of you slowly while he reattached his lips to your neck, the tip of his tongue hitting your skin every so often and making you shudder in delight. The pressure in your abdomen began steadily building again as he worked you, your hips grinding down against his hand in an attempt to create more friction. His thumb applied pressure to your clit once again, making you gasp and constrict around his fingers more tightly.

“Try not to break my fingers, please,” he said jokingly against your neck.

“Seriously?” you quipped, “Of all things to say, Cassian.”

“I’m sorry,” he laughed, “Let me make it up to you.”

His fingers thrust deeper inside you and his thumb began rubbing harsh circles, all gentleness abandoned. You swore loudly, the sudden change in pace catching you off guard. Soon he had you reduced to a moaning puddle beneath him, your body reacting to his movements instinctively and your mouth hanging open to release sounds of approval, be them whimpers, gasps, or curses. Every reaction you gave incited him to bring you closer to the brink, but he underestimated just how close you really were. By a lot.

The first one hit you strongly and unexpectedly. You tried to warn Cassian, but it was so suddenly upon you that you didn’t have time to. You cried out and threw your head backwards, the abrupt, intense pleasure taking you by surprise. He coaxed your orgasm out of you, maintaining the same speed and rhythm he’d built up. Once your moans turned into labored breathing and your body went slack, he removed his fingers as gently as he could.

“You’re louder than I thought you would be,” Cassian said, smiling at you playfully. “We would have been caught if we tried to do this back home.”

“Did you want me to be quieter?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Thought so.”

The remainders of your clothing were stripped away between sweet, brief kisses and gentle laughter. Once fully exposed to one another, Cassian hovered above you, a smile on his lips and a hunger in his eyes.

“I love you more than anything,” he whispered as he toyed with a strand of your hair.

Though your heart was already beating faster than it ever had before, it somehow managed to beat even faster as his words hung in the air. Neither of you had said it yet, so the gravity of the statement was pretty heavy. Nevertheless, you figured it was as good a time as any to drop the L bomb.

“I love you, too,” you replied, your voice soft but full of meaning.

“You’re positive that this is what you want?” he asked, suddenly serious.

“One hundred percent,” you answered with a nod.

Cassian smiled and captured your lips in a single kiss before positioning himself. He slid into you easily, your core still slick from your earlier orgasm. Even so, he took his time, letting you adjust to his length and watching your expression for any signs of discomfort. It was taking everything in his power to not thrust into you in one fluid motion, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. Luckily, you were just as aroused as he was, so there was little to no pain as he slipped past your entrance.

Once he was fully situated inside of you, you both released the air you’d been holding in your lungs. You were still sensitive, but not enough for it to hurt when his thumb found your clit for the third time. If he’d learned anything, it was that the clitoris is a powerful part of female anatomy that was a force to be reckoned with, so he used that newfound knowledge to his advantage.

Cassian began rolling his hips against yours, gliding in and out of you with ease. You were getting drunk on the low growls that he made with every calculated thrust, each one making your head swim. His thumb gave attention to your clit while he kept the pace building. His movements were slow at first, but soon you were both too hellbent on release to bother keeping a steady rhythm. At this rate, neither of you were going to last very long.

That same pressure from before had returned and every thrust drove you closer to the breaking point. Every muscle in your body was on fire in the best possible way. The faster he moved his thumb and his hips, the faster your body reacted. No matter how hard you tried to hold out, you couldn’t seem to keep the waves at bay and they just kept crashing over you.

Not before long, your body and mind both became overwhelmed and you couldn’t hold on anymore. “Cassian-”

“I know,” he said, his voice just as breathless. “It’s alright, go on.”

You came undone for the second time, the intensity of your orgasm making your ears ring. Wave after wave of pleasure pulsed through your body like currents of static electricity. Your head fell backwards as strangled moans and obscenities left your lips, all of which were music to Cassian’s ears. He groaned when he felt your nails dig into the flesh of his shoulders, leaving harsh, red crescents in their wake.

Cassian soon came tumbling after like clockwork, joining you in the throes of bliss. The sounds that came out of his mouth were purely sinful. His body trembled as he unraveled alongside you, his head falling forward and his eyes squeezing shut as he rode out his high.

Once you both came back to reality, neither of you wanted to move, your breath mingling and your bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat. You cracked a breathless smile and let your eyes flutter closed as he pressed his forehead against yours. The air around you was hot and thick and definitely didn’t help the whole dripping-in-sweat thing, but you were past the point of caring. All you cared about was regaining your composure after that brush with ecstasy.

“We should probably get back,” Cassian mumbled.

“Or we could just stay here forever,” you said jokingly.

He chuckled and kissed the tip of your nose. “If only.”

When you returned to Yavin, the sun had already set and had been replaced with a light rainstorm. The clouds made it difficult for Cassian to find his way back to the temple, but he managed, with minimal cursing, of course. If you had crashed, at least it wouldn’t have been your fault. All you had to do was flip one switch.

Cassian helped you down from the ship, his arm lingering around your waist after your feet hit the ground. He removed his jacket and placed it over your shoulders, so you slipped your arms inside the sleeves and thanked him with a kiss to his cheek. The doors closed behind you with a hiss and you began walking back together, the earth squishing beneath your boots and splashing cold water onto your jeans with every step you took. You didn’t get very far before you were approached by one of the medical staff who had a very concerned look on her face.

“Y/N, I know you’re off the clock but we really need your help,” she said, sounding exasperated.

“What happened?” you asked, pulling away from Cassian.

“I’ll explain on the way, come on.”

“I’ll see you later,” you called over your shoulder as you were dragged away, to which Cassian responded with a small wave.

He stood there for a while, his hands shoved in his pockets as he watched you wander away. A chill shook his body as the cold rain hit his skin, reminding him that you still had his jacket. At that, he began his own trek back to the temple, during which K-2SO joined him.

“I assume it went well?” he asked, walking alongside Cassian.

“It went very well,” he said, eyes trained forward and a permanent smile on his face.

“Cassian,” K said, stopping in his tracks. “I care very deeply for you and do not want this to go on any longer. You’re going to get yourself hurt.”

“How many times do we have to discuss this?” Cassian said impatiently, “I’m not faking it.”

“No, maybe not,” he replied, “But you still have yet to disclose your previous intentions. When she finds out, she’ll never forgive you, and you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“She won’t find out,” Cassian sighed, turning and walking away.

“If you don’t tell her,” K-2SO called after him, “I will.”