#it has been a life time and e still doesn't understand i don't really celebrate b-days and she doesn't get why djxjzhzhxhxhxhzhdhhxh

[pollyna]

Do u ever think about the possibility of Bradley not only not being able to say his last goodbye to Iceman but him not being present to the funeral?

Nobody of the Daggers is present bc they are in lock down pre-mission, and when Mav disappears for a couple of hours, he doesn't think much about it or at all.

It's only after, after they are alive and on deck, that Bradley asks about his dad, and it takes Mav more than he would have liked to realise who he's talking about and all his goodwill to smile to his kid and "he will be there waiting for us".

He's waiting for them, in a folded flag resting on Bradley's piano and in the flowers that are still alive in their garden. He's waiting for them in every photo around the house and in the sweater that's still on the back of an armchair, but he's not there. Not anymore. And it takes Bradley a whole day to connect the points and to realise.

And maybe, Mav finds himself thinking, it would have been better if that didn't happen.

[neondiamond]

🎁 Recently Read Fics - December 2023 🎁

These are all the amazing fics I read over the past month (from shortest to longest). Don’t forget to leave kudos and comments to show the authors your appreciation if you read any of these! ❤️

🎁 A Green Christmas by @tommokat (871, T)

A short, sweet snapshot of Niall and Shawn’s first holiday season living together.

🎁 to wake up by your side is all I wanna do by @beardyboyzx (1k, G)

Sometimes, Niall still thinks about the way Zayn’s laugh sounds when they watch TV and Niall makes up fake answers for whatever quiz show they’re watching.

🎁 Oh Christmas Three by @tommokat (1k, M)

A birthday surprise goes awry. Louis doesn’t understand. Harry blames the oven.

🎁 make my wish come true by @voulezloux (2k, NR)

the one where all harry wants for christmas is lou

🎁 Baby, please come home by @iysics (2k, T)

Breaking into his neighbour's house wasn't on Harry's Christmas checklist.

🎁 Stuck in Midnight Traffic by @letthemusicmoveyou28 (3k, M)

the one where two broken people meet in an empty tube car on Christmas Eve. Can they find a way to heal each other?

🎁 All The Way Home I’ll Be Warm by @justanothershadeofblue (3k, T)

Harry & Louis jokingly send out holiday cards together as friends, and now everyone is congratulating them for finally getting together. A 5+1 fic, for Christmas.

🎁 Santa Baby (one little thing I really need) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed (3k, T)

When Louis himself had first heard those words - all the nurses at the A&E have a secret line to Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve-, not nearly long enough ago to be considered a child himself, but long enough that he hadn't really felt like an adult all the time, he’d laughed them off. Thought they were sweet, of course, but just a line, something said to appease the kids who ended up having to stay overnight. Something to explain the presents that parents brought to the hospital on Christmas morning, or that were waiting for them at home, if they were lucky not to have to stay any longer.

Something that would allow a little bit of Christmas spirit in the sometimes sterile rooms of the hospital.

But that was before he’d met him.

🎁 A Christmas at Home by @parmahamlarrie (3k, T)

After meeting his boyfriend in the emergency room, not having Louis home for Christmas Eve (and his birthday) was not a big surprise to Harry. What he didn't expect was just how hard that would be on his six year old son, Arlo.

Or, the one where Arlo wants nothing more than to celebrate Louis' birthday with him, and Harry hates having to be the parent who says no.

🎁 I Saw Several Angels in the Self Help Section by @londonfoginacup (3k, G)

Zayn and Louis are soulmates.

They're also missing some soulmates.

For extra flavour, it's Christmas.

🎁 Elf on the Shelf Suprise by @megz1985 (6k, T)

Liam brings home an Elf on the Shelf to surprise his and Zayn's toddler with Christmas magic, but things don't go as planned when she's completely terrified of her new Christmas friend.

🎁 The Busker by @chelsea-frew (7k, T)

A snowstorm has trapped artist Louis at home on his birthday--Christmas Eve--and on Christmas. Louis anticipates a lonely holiday. A mysterious stranger appears on Christmas morning, however, and Louis doesn't have to spend the day alone. But where did the man come from? Why does he seem familiar? It's a Christmas mystery.

🎁 Lonely Cards Club by @hellolovers13 (25k, T)

Harry's life in Cardiff is rather uneventful. Until he receives a strange Christmas postcard.

It gets even stranger when he finds another one the next day.

An Advent story about missed opportunities and second chances.

🎁 You Ain’t Gotta Feel Fear Just Mingle by @londonfoginacup (32k, T)

Harry has been at his dream job for less than three months, and he knows two things for sure; first, his project manager doesn't know what he's doing, and second, someone in the office is apparently pure evil, and no one will tell Harry who it is.

Oh, and the guy who works in conservation at the other end of the building is the most beautiful man Harry's ever seen, even when wielding a hot iron as a weapon.

Happy Christmas, here's to many more.

🎁 Snow In Love by @lululawrence (33k, NR)

Harry and Louis are best friends and have been for basically as long as they can remember. For the first time since middle school, they are both single for the holidays leaving them with the brilliant idea to take each other as their dates to work events. To make things easier they will pretend like they’re dating. But then they learn something funny.

People thought they were already dating. Weird.

An advent fic featuring childhood friends, fake dating turned actual dating, really horrible secret keeping, and a winter weather surprise.

🎁 Heart Beat by @allwaswell16 (33k, E)

Hideaway Haven is the place that Louis has always called home. It's also the place that Harry had tried to leave behind him. When Harry returns to start a music academy in his hometown, he finds himself face to face with his high school crush—and his charming daughter who wants to learn to play the drums.

🎁 I Really Like Your Styles: The Baking Advent-ure by @homosociallyyours (34k, T)

Louis isn't much for frills, and the coffee shop he co-owns with his best friend Liam is evidence of that. Yes, it's got a decent sized, well-kept industrial kitchen, but Louis insists that people come to coffee shops for coffee, not mediocre pastry and plastic wrapped cookies. When Liam's campaign for serving treats turns into watching a few baking accounts on whichever popular app he's on, there's one that really gets on Louis' nerves: "I Like Your Styles." With his chipper demeanor and over the top descriptions of the food he makes, Louis is sure that the (unfortunately cute) baker is full of it. Nothing that adorable could possibly be worth the hype.

It doesn't actually take much for him to eat his words...and some quality baked goods, while he's at it.

[kanmom51]

Hi i saw your post about jikook filming and taking pictures of e/o thru the years...i started tearing up a lil bit.

i'm kinda mad at all the jikook blogs that keeps appearing in my feed lately i'm not following any of them but i do follow the #jikook tag, i even blocked some out of anger because they keep saying jikook are distanced and shit over what exactly? because no new SNS media of the two of them for the past few days??? i admit it's a jikook drought but isn't y'all reaction too much? can't we just appreciate their bond without speculating and speaking for their bond without knowing absolutely nothing that's going on in their lives rn? we don't know shit! and that's it! but if there's ANYthing i'm damn sure about it's jimin and jungkook and their love.

i'm really in need of some wholesome jikook accounts that celebrate sweet and lovely jikook moments, i'm new to tumblr so i'm kinda lost...so i followed you ^v^ you seem like a very adorable and fun mom hehe i think i like your space a lot <3

have a good day!!!

Thank you for your kind words @tinygoo  and welcome to my blog.

💜💜

I kind of feel like maybe not all, but most of the 'jikook blogs' that are talking about them being distant were either not jikook blogs to start with or are more about the shipping and not supporting, expecting or feeling owed the content (like these are two puppets and not actual humans living their day to day lives).

I kind of feel like those that talk about them being distant are mostly young and immature with zero to no good loving and long term relationship experience.

But there are also MANY trolls utilizing this insecurity (which I for one don't get anymore - it comes in waves, it is always proven to be wrong time after time, and still it doesn't seem to go away). They hide as supposed jikook blogs or call themselves ex-jikookers, but they were never believers or supporters of the couple to begin with, and you can see it if you stay around long enough and read all their posts or comments. For the life of me, I do not understand people wasting their time and energy to try and convince people that a certain pair are not a couple, not a couple anymore or were never a couple. Like, I believe that JM and JK are a couple. Do I go to TKK accounts and try to convince them TKK aren't a couple, or try to convince them that Jikook are? Nope. I just don't get it.

This story of distant Jikook has been going on for exactly a year now. Starting when they got back from LA.

All while it was the exact same situation - not seeing them together, not having them to interact AT ALL on SM. stories of them being distant, them breaking up, JK cheating on JM, JM being with a new lover, and it goes on and on and on. All total bullshit. All totally baseless made up fanfics. All because people just cannot see them as two normal (yet super talented and successful) human beings actually having a normal long term loving relationship.

And every single time it gains traction, it's proven wrong by their behaviour with each other, things they say or do or even things we hear from other members (cough Hobi cough).

As you said: "we don't know shit". Not what they are doing workwise (apart from a vague knowledge JM is working on his album), what they are doing in their spare time, who they are spending their time with at work and in their free time (out and about or at home).

There is sooooooo much Jikook content, and although I'd love to get some new content, I do understand their need to stay private and silent at the moment.

So, why not enjoy what they have given us up to this point?

Anyway, I'm babbling away here. Lovely to have you onboard. Hope you enjoy the content in this blog, I will do my best to continue to add more and more in the new year too (I feel like it helps with missing them so much).

And I will take this opportunity to wish you and all my readers Happy new year. 💜💜  

[aphrostarot]

Confronting Past Life Pick a Pile

What wounds do you carry from a past life and how can you begin to mend your soul?

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me or email me if you are interested!

Pile One (Sodalite):

Who were you in a relevant past life?

Queen of Pentacles:

You were a very sensual and loving person in a past life. Over the course of your life, you were an extremely hard worker and accumulated great success. Having enough money enabled you to surround yourself with the things you loved, including nature and animals. The people in your life knew they could count on you to help them when they needed it, especially when it came to financial support.

What is something unresolved from that life?

Three of Pentacles:

In this lifetime you may have been a celebrity, and as a result of your success, you were the subject of jealousy from many people. These people tried spreading lies about the way you earned your success. Since they wanted what you had and saw how humble you were, they hated you for it, so they made up rumors about you as a result. You really tried to spread love rather than hate, especially when it came to these people. You thought you could teach people to be nice and not to be hateful. You tried to achieve this with all your might, but it was not possible, unfortunately.

You may have been an earth sign, Virgo, Taurus, or Capricorn, in your past life or in this life.

You could also have an Aquarius North Node.

How does it affect you in this life?

Five of Pentacles:

You really struggle in this lifetime to accumulate success and wealth. Despite your efforts, you still struggle to make enough money to support yourself and those you love. Success does not come as easily to you in this lifetime.

Why do you need to complete that unresolved issue?

Strength:

With your current struggles, you also have trouble having the strength to deal with the issues. You are capable of getting through the difficulties you are facing, but you lack the confidence in yourself to do so. This issue of a lack of confidence must be resolved so that you can channel your inner strength to begin accumulating more wealth and success.

How can you complete that unresolved issue?

Justice:

For some, you may feel you need to cheat the system to get what you desire. The appearance of this card alerts you to the fact that you shouldn't go forward with that. To resolve the issues you are facing, you need to be fair. In addition, you should not second-guess your success. To me, it feels as though all the negativity you couldn't overcome in the past life is affecting you now, making you feel unworthy of success, or incapable of being successful. Do not fall into the trap of not believing in yourself. It is essential that you let go of your fears if you are to overcome these challenges.

What is an important lesson you need to fully understand?

King of Wands:

The lack of confidence prevents you from pursuing your desires, and as a consequence, you lack the drive and passion to do so. The lesson you need to learn is that you need passion and drive to succeed. Your success in your past life was easy and you didn't have to work hard for it, but in this lifetime you must learn to work hard for what you want.

What is an energy/characteristic that you should channel from that life?

The Devil:

In your current life, you need to tap into the strong-willed nature you had in your past life. You never let anything bring you down in the past and you struggle to do this in this current life. Your strong-willed nature will help you overcome your struggles of accumulating success and allow you to become confident in yourself.

Channeled Messages from Guides:

“You are our answered prayer.”

“Magic exists in the form of energy. What is your energy creating today? How does it make you feel?”

Letters:

R

X

I

E

Q

Blank - whatever you feel fits.

Pile Two (Green Aventurine Moon):

Who were you in a relevant past life?

Seven of Wands:

You were very altruistic in this past life. Fighting against oppression. You stood your ground and were an ally to people who needed someone on their side. You were very courageous and determined in your convictions. It seems to me that you took part in many protests. Perhaps you formed groups that fought for people who were being mistreated.

What is something unresolved from that life?

Ten of Wands:

In your past life, you worked very hard to achieve your goal, but it seems like you never succeeded. Your hard work did not pay off in that lifetime. Many of you may have given up when nothing seemed to be happening and your work was ineffective.

How does it affect you in this life?

King of Wands:

There was so much passion in that past life, but all your hard work didn't pay off. Therefore, in this lifetime, you carry that sadness of not achieving what you set your heart on. Since your soul still hasn't healed from your past wounds, you lack the passion to pursue your desires. This wound also leaves you lacking confidence in pursuing your goals.

It's possible that you were a Fire sign in that life or this life, Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius.

Why do you need to complete that unresolved issue?

Ten of Swords:

This soul wound is causing a great deal of destruction in your life. You lack the confidence and passion to pursue your desires, and this affects all areas of your life, including romance, career, school, and health. It seems that every time you try to follow your dreams, you self-sabotage, and things crumble around you, leaving you wondering why you did that. This is your soul wound that still needs to be healed.

How can you complete that unresolved issue?

Knight of Wands:

Find your passion and enthusiasm in this life. Seek out activities that bring out your more enthusiastic side. Bring passion back into your life by discovering new things.

Six of Cups:

Additionally, you could try doing things you were passionate about in your past life. Maybe you should join a group that works to combat oppression. Make your voice heard and stand up for what you believe in.

What is an important lesson you need to fully understand?

The Magician:

Willpower is the key to The Magician's success. They set their intentions and then follow through on them. This is your lesson for this lifetime. You need to start setting and achieving goals. Do not give up like you did in the past.

What is an energy/characteristic that you should channel from that life?

King of Pentacles:

It is the King of Pentacles who pursues their goals until the very end. They do not worry about losing out on anything, as they are very confident and secure within themselves. This is how you were in the past, and this is what you need to channel in this life in order to heal.

Channeled Messages from Guides:

“Take charge of your schedule during this busy time and honestly assess your underlying reasons for being busy.”

“Times of heightened emotions and sensitivity call for extra self-care and gentleness.”

Letters:

I

I

A

K

V

E

Pile Three (Rose Quartz):

Who were you in a relevant past life?

The Devil (reversed):

In a past life, you struggled with addictions, and most of your life was devoted to freeing yourself from those addictions. For most of your life, you were becoming self-aware, understanding your purpose and how you can be healthy.

The Moon (reversed):

You felt pretty unhappy in your past life too, feeling very anxious. It was this that pushed you to break free from addictions and fears, along with your negativity.

What is something unresolved from that life?

The World (reversed):

In your pursuit to be free of these things, it seems that you didn't fully succeed. Though you were successful in letting go of those addictions and fears, you still struggled to feel complete and happy. The whole focus of your life seemed to be on becoming healthy, and once you reached your goal, you didn't know what to do with your life. You had no clue what your passions were, and what made you happy.

How does it affect you in this life?

Eight of Pentacles:

The drive and passion you need to excel at your career or hobbies are lacking in this lifetime. You really struggle to maintain a job or hobby long enough to become good at it. Because of your soul wounds, you have difficulty sticking with one thing for a long period of time.

Why do you need to complete that unresolved issue?

The Lovers:

You are really struggling to fall in love not only with others and things but also with yourself because of this wound. Due to your fear of commitment, you struggle to maintain one thing in your life, so you don't really know what makes you happy. You don't know how to love yourself. You need to heal from this wound in order to begin to love yourself and others.

How can you complete that unresolved issue?

Four of Swords:

You need to slow down and rest. Stop jumping from one thing to another. Put an end to not letting yourself get comfortable. It is okay to devote a lot of time and energy to one passion. It doesn't mean you're missing out on life, as long as it makes you happy. You need rest to heal.

What is an important lesson you need to fully understand?

The Empress:

In this lifetime you need to understand that by not staying in place for a long period of time you are running from your growth. Also, what you're running from is your abundant future. If you genuinely want to feel happy and secure in your life, you must learn to stick with one thing and stick with it until the very end. Your life will be filled with abundance if you do this.

What is an energy/characteristic that you should channel from that life?

Queen of Pentacles:

The Queen of Pentacles is very loving and warm. Their hard work has made them very successful in life. In your past life, you stuck with your journey of being healthy and free from negativity. You need to channel that hard work and warmth in this lifetime. This is what will help you.

Channeled Messages from Guides:

“Are you ready? Are you sure? There is no turning back now.”

“Unlock the magick within.”

Letters:

H

E

T

O

E

O

Pile Four (Goldstone Star):

Who were you in a relevant past life?

Knight of Swords:

You were very socially adept in your past life. It was your quick wit and charm that really attracted others to you. Your lack of humility was made worse by your inflated sense of self-importance, which also gave you the ability to lead well. Despite your lack of patience, your aggressive side made you successful.

What is something unresolved from that life?

Ten of Wands:

Your life's goal was to be in a position of power because you knew you would be a great leader. However, you never reached your goal. Although you came close to achieving your end goal, you fell short. Some of you may have been in politics.

How does it affect you in this life?

The Hanged Man:

Every time you feel as though you are doing well, it seems as though you have to make some sacrifices to keep that success, and these sacrifices are either too difficult to make or they never work. Therefore, you are unable to achieve success.

Ten of Swords:

It seems impossible for you to achieve success as well as a leadership position in this lifetime. It seems that nothing you do pays off and life constantly throws disaster after disaster your way. It seems that everything comes tumbling down whenever you start feeling good about your situation.

Why do you need to complete that unresolved issue?

Knight of Cups:

You struggle to remain optimistic in life as a result of all the negative experiences you have had. Romance and charm don't seem like a part of your nature, you don't have the time or energy for them. You have dealt with disaster after disaster and have no energy or desire to be a romantic, optimistic person.

How can you complete that unresolved issue?

Two of Cups:

Allow yourself to be romanced. You've been running away from this part of yourself for a long time now because you don't want to get your hopes up. You can heal yourself by being romantic with yourself and allowing others to romance you. You need to fall in love and experience true love in order to heal the wounds from your past life.

What is an important lesson you need to fully understand?

Five of Swords:

You have felt defeated almost all of your life in this lifetime and do not understand why you are being treated unfairly. As part of your lessons for this lifetime, you are to feel defeated and let that defeat direct you towards success because you never allowed that to happen in your past life. In the past, you gave up when faced with defeat, but in this lifetime you must persevere.

Ace of Cups:

Because you considered pure love to be beneath you in your previous life, you never experienced it. Your pursuit of success drove you. This life lesson is about learning to love innocently and purely. Do not run away from those emotions, but rather let them wash over you.

What is an energy/characteristic that you should channel from that life?

Queen of Swords:

Naturally, the Queen of Swords is a quick thinker and pretty smart. Every situation they encounter is viewed lucidly by them. In the past, you were like this, and this is how you should be now. Your success in this life will be further enhanced if you channel this energy.

Channeled Messages from Guides:

“Abundance, love, and wealth are coming your way.”

“The worse is now behind you and you are surmounting any previous challenges.”

Letters:

L

E

R

U

N

I

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you! Venmo: @ aphrostarot Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot

[niamflopped]

Louis Tomlinson vs Sam Fender

Let's see which songwriter can evoke their teenage years most effectively.

Change by Louis Tomlinson

Starts with a cliche - 'time of our lives' - and decides with pure nostalgia and barely any self reflection that at 17/18 he and his friends were 'complete.' Asserts that 'everything's changed' but gives no detail as to what exactly he means.

More repetition of 'everything's changed outside' and now we worry for the state of Doncaster. Has there been a localised extinction event? Doncaster razed to the ground? Nope, because he tells us that he and his friends still feel like 'kings' (another hackneyed image) when they head out into the same 'silver streets.'

More lack of self knowledge is evident in the line 'I feel the same inside.' Really, Louis? Eleven years away, fatherhood, two major bereavements, £46m richer, plus four world tours, and your inner state is the same as it was at 18? Not learnt anything? You surely have, so why not share it?

And yet more cliches: 'losing our minds', 'a trip down memory lane', 'nothing stays the same.' He's given us only one specific description of what he actually did aged 17. We can't imagine much about his life then or now. And are the Doncaster kids really 'alright'? What are their prospects? Again, his understanding is puddle deep.

'Over analyse?' If only you were, Louis, but you're still dripping in facile cliches like 'you don't get another life.'

Grade: E

Lacks vivid descriptions. Lacks interesting use of imagery and language. Seems shallow and disingenuous, steeped in a worrying lack of self knowledge.

Target: Read more! Read poetry, read plays, read novels! Play with language, use original similes and metaphors. Don't rhyme 'life' with 'life'! It's lazy. This whole song is lazy.

Already in verse 1 we have nine vividly evocative phrases which open a window into Sam's life at 17. Slang words like 'bizzies' create a sense of place. He doesn't pretend he feels the same inside as he did then, nor does he give a vague, idealised version of his teenage years like Louis does. A lot of his memories hurt and 'claw' even now. There's a lovely blend of lyrical and colloquial language in this - 'an embryonic love', 'the sickness was forever', 'still bugs me now.'

So much self examination here of the damaging effects of trying to conform to the stereotypes that rule the north east of England. He fights against becoming 'a mirrored picture of my old man.' Louis as the 'king of Friday night' celebrates this 'cheap drink/lads lads' culture while Sam points out how toxic it is, and how hard it is to shrug off.

Sam ends by sharing that he even considered dealing drugs at seventeen in order to pay off his mother's debts. Poverty had a strangehold on his childhood and nearly took him under, as the final powerful refrain confirms.

Grade: A*

Poetic and philsophical. So much talent here!

[meowtastrophe]

to my eight-yr-old self

How are you?

Well, it’s the year 2018 and I have to say --no, we don’t have flying cars yet. Well, we still have aeroplanes if you count that as a flying car-- you’ve come far. Who knows you are able to keep your life till now, right?

No, you are not taking HRM because you are not in college. 

No, you did not slack off and had to repeat high school or something. 

No, you did not stop school. 

The curriculum just kind of changed haha. The DepEd decided to add 2 more years in our high school so you are now in grade 12. It’s not too bad, don’t worry. Over the years you’ll realise that you want to keep studying so upon learning about the change, you were actually quite glad about it. 

You’ll be graduating this year so just hang in there. I still remember that ‘to my 18-yr-old letter’ you wrote me--on the diary of wimpy kid thingy--back in Grade 3. You asked me that I should take the Hotel and Restaurant Management course no matter what. Well... you kinda took a different path. In seniour high--that’s what they call the grades 11&12-- you have to choose from these 3 tracks: 

STEM, which includes sciences, technology, engineering, mathematics and all that hard stuff;

HUMSS, which is Humanities and Social Sciences, and;

 ABM, which is the one you expect me to take because it’s all about Business. 

Guess, what? You took the second one HAHAHAHA. 

What happened? 

A lot had happened, actually. Let’s breeze over it:

In grade 3, you got your period. 

     You got home from school and went straight to the comfort room as usual. When you pulled down your underwear--there, it surprised you. BLOOD. You absolutely had no idea what the heck was that. You thought at that very moment that you about to die. Mom went abroad when you were at a young age so she never got to teach you these things.  Don’t worry though because luckily, mom’s on vacation that day so she was there to guide you the essentials. You did not know how to use a pad. You opened it and well... kept on ‘opening’ it. You kept peeling the outer layer to a neverending pad of cotton. Mom saw your struggle but she just chuckled and gave you a new one. 

In grade 4, you didn’t have friend yet 

      But, you were hanging in there. Nothing happened here, really. You were still adjusting and did not have a permanent friend yet. You just watched anime, edited pictures in photoshop, and all that. You were still very very very shy around this time. You couldn’t speak at all. You were one of the quietest people in the school. You had a very bad social anxiety. You were still discovering yourself. But you hanged in there. 

In grade 5, you met Y, became friends with her and; 

      You left home. This one greedy sister of your grandmother of yours (mom side), let’s call her L, took your childhood home. You still remember what she told you “che, e ate jemima mu naman neh.’’ And I still remember how baffled you were. On how she pulled out the barangay card and showed up in front of our (you and l) home with barangay officials for some reason. On how you thought “wait what? why are getting our home? aren’t you guys rich? you have a backyard pool for christ’s sake. ate jemima’s life--your guys’ life--is so much better than us. what need does she have in our home? why ours? where will we go now?”. Fortunately you found a house near-- literally in front-- of your cousin’s (dad side) house. You tried living there. This is just the start.

In grade 6, you are still best friends with Y. However;

      It was not like before. Your dad started neglecting you more. He got depressed. But of course, you did not know that at a young age. He wouldn’t go to the house for days and leave you with no money nor food. You liked going to school because it distracted you but there were times where your dad didn’t let you go to school even if you are all dressed up because he’d go to the house drunk in the morning so he’d rather catch up on sleep rather than dropping you to school. There was even a time where you guys fought and ignored each other for a month or two and that’s where you felt alone the most. You felt like even your aunt, uncle, and cousins parallel to your house were avoiding you--which you were certain they did--so you didn’t have anyone. You were glad that you were on your school break and you didn’t have to worry about not being able to go to school with all that is happening. Most of the time, you’d have no food to eat. Your electricity was cut and you’d steal from your neighbour’s. You also won’t have any drop of water. It was no different from being homeless except, you just somehow found a long-time roof.

      It’s not all that bad though because you got to live the simple life. It was fun in a sense that since you did not and could not get everything, the littlest things were enough to make you--everyone in the family--happy.  You learned to appreciate the smallest of things. You learned how hard it so to not be able to eat a meal 3 times a day so it’s very hard for you to leave a single grain of rice on your place and you'd accept any food offered to you at the present. You learned how to live through the struggle you faced... for a short while at least. 

    Then you snitched on your dad to your mom.

In grade 7, high school came, you were not classmates with Y and; 

     You did not live with your dad. After graduating from grade school, you moved to San Fernando to live with your grandfather (mom side). You also lived with his girlfriend, let’s call her M, and M’s daughter, let’s call her N. The first few months were quite alright. They took good care of you. Made you breakfast and all that. At one point, however, everything went south and you don’t know when and how. M just managed to break you mentally. Pour salt on the already existing--but small-- wound. Well, I guess it was our (you and I's) fault. This was your first time living in with other people. You got used to relying on others. You were not used to doing chores and all that because you never had to do that back at home and at the house. M would compare you to N. Grandfather would turn a blind eye on the situation-- not seeing or hearing anything. M mentioned on how she now understands as to why your dad neglected you. As to why he doesn't like you. That hit you hard. You started blaming yourself for everything. You realized how useless you were. You started thinking that no one loves you... not even your dad. You felt much more alone.

     You regretted snitching on your dad. 

In grade 8, you met A and she helped you a lot. 

     Things got worse. You hated yourself more. You did unimaginable things; such as the vice of slice and trying to kick the bucket. However, A was there. That person’s presence comforted you. Because of that person, breath still leaves your mouth. What happened to Y? She had other groups of friends haha. It’s not her fault though. Don’t blame her. She has her own life. She has the right to choose who to befriend and who to hang out with. She was liked by people so it’s not her fault that she drifted away from you for a while. It was all fine because, at the very least, A was there. Also, around November, you moved to the house your grandmother (mom side) worked hard for. The house was much better than home but it did not still felt like home. You started living with your dad and grandfather. M went abroad and N lived with her grandmother. 

In grade 9, you were not classmates with A.

      You felt A, too, slowly drifting away from you. You felt like she didn’t want to hang out with you anymore and you thought to yourself ‘well no one ever sticks to me. not even my dad so I understand’. So you took the initiative to leave her alone. You also did not blame her and thought that same as you did to Y. And Y, well, was still living her own life but you guys are still friends. But you had a change in a group of friends too. You befriended some people in your classroom and, though it was just short-term, they were enough to fill the void of loneliness. 

In grade 10, you thought everything is finally going well.

     Until your grandfather was the one who neglected this time. He was the one in charge of the finances at the house but he used them for his vices. He did not get to pay for the house for 3 months and naturally, my grandmother got mad. She asked for my grandfather to leave and he did. My dad, this time, was determined to change and redeem himself. We both thought that he’s going to be handling the money but guess what, L--yes, that L-- was the one put in charge. My grandmother's mind was clouded. She became one of those feminists who thinks ‘men are trash’ or something. Since L lives in the same subdivision as ours she was the most convenient choice. Soon after, they also asked dad to leave the house. You got separated again, for the second time. You lived alone in the house. You would go to L’s house for meals but you still lived alone in the house. You got compared, again, to Jemima, her daughter. Well, you have always been compared to her. You are connected to her because you grew up with her. When our family sees you, they always ask you about her. About how and where she is. If she's doing fine. They never asked me tho. She was an extrovert so she had more friends, much more sociable, the family likes her more for she is much more approachable, she's much more famous, famous enough for the city to know her, and she is prettier. You cannot forget the time when Jemima had food leftovers and L was like ‘don’t you want to eat it? so that become pretty like her’.

     Around this time was also your saddest birthday. It was your sweet 16th. You did not have a huge celebration because you just planned to treat your friends. Mother sent you money, your dad gave it to you, and then that's it. However, I was alone that day. You don't know where but some reason dad wasn't there. The house was literally empty. You actually tried contacting your friends prior to the day: Y, K, and A. Yes, only 3, you're quiet picky with the people you get close with. But, they couldn't make it. Your birthday is in summer so they all have their plans. Enjoying their vacation and all that. Living their life. No one could come. And then,

     3 days later, A came to the house. Carrying McDonald's and a small cake. You... I never felt so appreciated then.

In grade 11, mom went home.

     My grandfather died due to stroke so mom had to go home. She asked dad to stay in the house for a while because he was a pretty convenient errand boy. But what’s the point of errands when you don’t have money? L was holding the money. She is a busy girl, you know. That’s why mom was having a hard time whenever she needed money because L always didn’t have the time. So Mom just asked for the card, where the money is, so there won’t be any difficulties. But L didn’t want to give it and was like ‘don’t worry, your money is safe with me’. And we were all left dumbfounded. 

   Everything changed since then. 

What changed? 

Mom put you in charge of the finances but since you were busy with school and everything, you passed the torch to my dad. My mom and grandmother let dad live with you because if not, you will be alone again. You have been living peacefully since then. And now, you are writing this blog. 

So why did I take HUMSS instead of ABM? Around grade 8, I realized that I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe because that is what I needed the most that time. I wanted to become what I needed. At the same time, I thought I wanted to help those who were struggling like me but I realized that I just wanted to learn how to help myself. Since everyone would just leave me eventually, I wanted to learn how to take care of myself. That’s why you took interest in psychology. And over time while diving deeper into the field, I got fascinated by other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, and likewise. I took interest in the mind of criminals and now, I am now aiming to become a forensic psychologist. 

This may change again, though. Everything changes. Decisions are not absolute and that is fine. Just like what happened in the past years, you’ll never know what will happen. One day it’s like this and the next thing you know everything is going downhill. But do not worry about it because that doesn’t matter. You cannot control the situation and the things happening around you. You cannot defy the natural flow of things. What you can control, however, are your emotions. You can control how you react to things. It may be easier to be said than done but it helps a lot. How you approach the things being thrown at you will help you mentally. Just keep your composure and let the time pass. Focus at the very moment. At what is in front of you. Worry about the future later when it’s the next one on the plate. Your current challenge right now is writing this blog and you should you just focus on it. But make sure that whenever you do something, do your very best on it. You just can’t do things just because you have to. Since that should be the only worry you have, give your all to it. 

Do not worry about the future. About what you want to do for the rest of your life because you have the rest of your life to figure that out. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: You owe someone a pint, like Buster: What? Rio: Indie just got back from A & E Rio: Someone broke Drew's nose, apparently Buster: So it was broke? Good Buster: You can have that pint on me Rio: You what now Buster: You heard me Buster: I'm not about to toast myself, maybe next time if I go harder but Buster: If you wanna celebrate, you're welcome Rio: What the fuck, Buster? Buster: What's your problem? You were happy about it a second ago Rio: I'm not crying about it but Rio: why? Buster: Don't act like you need a list Rio: I thought you'd decided to leave it Rio: What changed? Buster: He didn't leave it Buster: Started chatting shit so Rio: When doesn't he? Hardly new Buster: When he's bleeding Buster: He's too busy trying not to cry then, like Rio: For God's sake Buster: What? Buster: You want me to be sorry now? Rio: This isn't funny Rio: I want you to think of an excuse for hitting him 'cos you clearly don't have a real reason you're wanting to share Buster: Oh so you wanna know what he was saying about you, is that it? Buster: 'Cause there's my reason Rio: Yeah, well I assume you don't want to tell Indie, or anyone else that could ask, that Rio: hence we agreed to leave it and him alone Buster: He's not gonna tell anyone that an 18 year old posh boy fucked him up Buster: It's fine Rio: It ain't Rio: there's something you aren't telling me Buster: You mean I ain't Buster: True Buster: But I don't wanna talk about it so unless there's any more you wanna say about Drew Rio: I don't care about him Buster: Good to know Buster: It hasn't been that long since we spoke last, like Buster: Would be awkward if you'd changed your mind that hard Rio: Is there anything I can do? Rio: Without you having to talk, like Buster: I don't know Buster: I'm just trying to have a drink Rio: Fine Rio: well you said you'd buy me one so where are you? Buster: The fam boozer so I'm guessing you're gonna want a raincheck on that Rio: What, you can't be seen with me now? Buster: What like we're best friends who drink together now? Rio: It's not that weird Rio: you just want to avoid the conversation Buster: It can be both Rio: Is Grandad there? Buster: 'Course Buster: So I don't need you sliding into the booth next to me Buster: My head's already wrecked without being that close to you as well Rio: Good Rio: Just tell me what's wrong Buster: There aren't words for it, babe Buster: I don't know what to say Rio: It's not gotta be poetic Rio: take your time but Rio: you're scaring me, like Buster: That's not what I want, I'm sorry Buster: It's just a mess. I am Buster: Chlo hit me up again Rio: It's alright, just let Grandad take you home when he says you've had enough, yeah? Rio: Right, what did she say? Buster: She's saying its not mine now Rio: Oh, babe Rio: It should be illegal to mess with someone's head this much Rio: What the fuck is wrong with her Buster: She don't wanna be associated with me so she's lying Buster: But I can't prove that until she has the kid Rio: Jesus Rio: Be honest, is it because of me? Because, you can change her mind on that Rio: I know I said it was a bad idea but fuck Buster: It's too late to change her mind Buster: You haven't heard the really good part yet Rio: I'm really sorry, Buster Rio: Now I don't have the words Rio: Do I even want to know, what could be the 'good' part of this? Buster: Don't say sorry Buster: None of this is your fault, I wouldn't play her game and I wouldn't have regardless of us being together or not Buster: You don't want to know but I had to hear it so Buster: And we tell each other everything yeah? Buster: She's told James he's the dad Buster: They are together now or some shit I assume Rio: No, it's all her, right Rio: It isn't yours either Rio: but this is fucking Rio: the worst, I didn't think people actually did shit like this outside of bad TV Rio: That would be hilarious if it so clearly wasn't Rio: even he doesn't deserve that, fucking hell Buster: Yeah Buster: Maybe it did happen? I reckoned they hadn't fucked since last Christmas 'cause he hadn't said anything and you know how he likes to chat but maybe it's different with her Buster: Fuck knows why but he likes her Buster: Or maybe he was just off his face too like she said Buster: Or maybe she's just fucking lying to me Rio: That's the fucked thing Rio: you can't trust anything she says Rio: and then she tells you two stories anyway so, is either true, neither, like? Rio: The worst headfuck Buster: Tell me what to do Buster: I can't handle months of this Buster: I don't even know how far gone she is now, like Rio: Does she? Rio: Maybe you talk to her parents? They have to handle this because she isn't Rio: If she's under 18 and under their care, they've got some sway, she can't just do what she wants when she's fucking up this badly Buster: Alright Buster: That's a better idea that anything I'm doing right now Buster: Trying not to cry in this fucking pub Buster: Turned into my fucking sister Rio: Understandable, more than Rio: Do you want me to come get you? Buster: I don't even know what I want Buster: I should be happy shouldn't I? Off the hook Buster: Like I could literally go to America if I want Rio: Because you don't know for sure Rio: all she's given you is more uncertainty and you're not a complete cunt like her so you're not fine not knowing Rio: You wanna do the right thing Buster: I should've hit Drew harder, that's the closest I'm getting to the right thing right now Rio: I think you're right he won't say, Indie didn't have a clue so Rio: don't worry about that Rio: you wanna go punch things? Buster: I'm gonna be sick is what I reckon Buster: Hold on Rio: Better? Buster: I swear she's gonna give me a stomach ulcer like its the fucking 80s Buster: Stressing me the fuck out Buster: I'm not drunk enough for this, I'll never be Rio: Get another drink Rio: I'd like to give you better advice but at this point Rio: that is the best you can do Buster: I've changed my mind, you should come Buster: Be here Rio: Okay, I'll come get you Buster: Stay with me Buster: It's the furthest away from Chelsea cunts we can be Buster: I fucking love this pub Rio: Maybe you enjoy it for a while longer then I'll come, yeah Rio: Don't need the added stress of that do you Buster: You're not stress Rio: I mean the stress of not being us properly, like Buster: We're still us Buster: Remember when we were little, we were always here 'cause our parents were always working Rio: Yeah Rio: Why I'm so good at pool, like Buster: And pulling pints Buster: You loved it, Nance was under a table if she weren't behind me, but you were in your element, like Buster: 2nd home for you and gotta be our 3rd Rio: Naturally, cheers for the stunning CV like, pops Rio: Shit was so simple then Buster: I thought it was so shit at the time, what the fuck did I know Rio: Well, always been a moody bastard Buster: Nah, you've just always been that annoying Rio: Rude Rio: I am a delight and always have been Buster: Whatever you say, babe Buster: Still waiting on you to come here and show me Rio: Just 'cos I was everyone's fave, soz I took your shine Buster: Nobody can say no that face that's all Buster: Same, like Rio: How're you finding the time to still be cute, like? Buster: It comes natural with you, that's what I'm saying Buster: Everyone's fave Rio: Shh Buster: You know exactly what you're doing, looking and being like that Rio: What are you chatting, babe? Buster: That you're perfect Rio: And that's all part of my master plan, is it? 😏 Buster: Yeah Rio: 'Course Rio: well, don't tell Buster: 🤐 obviously Rio: Good, you're not that drunk yet Buster: I'm not drunk Buster: I'm working on it Rio: 😂 Godspeed Buster: Come and join me Buster: I'm gonna keep asking Buster: You're not the only one who can be annoying, like Rio: You wanna awkwardly avoid eye contact that bad? Buster: I want you Rio: Then drink your drinks and I'll come get you Rio: you can't have me in the pub Rio: we can't talk either, which I know is part of the appeal Buster: so sensible Buster: it's hot Rio: Glad you agree, babe Buster: 😏 Rio: Remember, water, yeah? Buster: That's my line, baby Rio: Yeah but it's solid Rio: so take it, like Buster: Don't worry, it's handled Rio: Good boy Buster: Behave Buster: Talking like that to me Rio: 🤐 Buster: Don't act like you don't love it Rio: Obviously but Rio: time and a place isn't there Buster: it can be right now Rio: Nah Buster: Don't you wanna feel good? I do Rio: I know you do baby Rio: You will do again Buster: I hate this. I hate her Rio: Yeah Rio: This is horrible Buster: At least I don't have to tell Nance now Rio: That's true Rio: Any silver lining Buster: Yeah Buster: Dodged that bullet, cheers Chlo Rio: Yeah, enjoy not having her in your face for now Rio: 'til her parents can get this sorted Rio: it doesn't need to be all on you Buster: James of all people Buster: You're really gonna have to kick him off your stream now, he'll need all that cash Rio: Oh God Rio: what a pair Rio: could've gone my whole life without that mental image Buster: I'd almost feel bad for him if he wasn't such a cunt Buster: Don't worry lad I'll resolve this for you Rio: Yeah, wonder how he's feeling rn Rio: if it's even true, like Buster: Hit him up Buster: Sure he'd still love to hear from you, babe Rio: Play 2nd to Chloe again? You're alright Buster: Don't Buster: You never were Rio: I know Rio: just a joke Rio: also not gutted over the loss of James from the dating game, just in case you didn't get that either 😉 Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause from how he made it sound you had the best night of your life Rio: Oh James Rio: not a wistful sigh Rio: 😬 just nah Buster: Thank Christ I know enough about what you do like now to know it's such bullshit and not be jealous Rio: Yeah, that would really be a waste of your time, trust Buster: Been there, done that Rio: Yeah Rio: That feels like forever ago Buster: Yeah? Buster: I'm glad Buster: I really fucking love you Rio: Don't you think? Rio: It isn't really but a lot's happened since Rio: like I love you too Buster: Yeah Buster: Like you said, its one thing after another Rio: Yeah, won't tempt fate by asking what else but you know Rio: gotta be a limit, right? Buster: Regardless I need a holiday and we've just been Rio: Tell me about it Rio: Should've taken Nance up on her offer Buster: It ain't too late for a last minute trip, babe Rio: It is a bit Rio: 🎅 coming Buster: Like he ain't gonna know where to find you Rio: What about the fam tho Buster: I ain't saying you gotta go anywhere, you know he ain't the one bringing you gifts anyway Buster: Sit on my lap and tell me what you want Rio: Babe Rio: You're killing me Buster: Stop fighting it then Buster: I want you and you want me Rio: Not right now, I can't babe, 'cos you're trashed and even if you weren't, you ain't in the best headspace Rio: I'm still come see you if you want Buster: You can change that, you're the only person who can Buster: Give me a good mood Rio: Alright, omw Rio: remember where you are, yeah? Buster: I ain't no amateur remember Rio: Don't forget it, champ Buster: I've got a full 10 rounds left in me, babe Rio: 'Course 😏 Buster: You'll see Rio: Better not Rio: Best behaviour boy Buster: 'Course Rio: Very convincing Buster: Yeah I know Rio: Sure you've got the oscars speech ready, like Buster: I'll do it on the night Buster: Be alright Rio: 😂 Rio: Hot Buster: Like I said, yeah I know Rio: S'alright, I rate cockiness, as it goes so Buster: Glad to hear it, like Rio: What story do you reckon Ro is getting 'bout his busted nose Buster: 😂 Buster: Mugging for that watch he's still wearing on his wrist probably Rio: Forreal Rio: like hold up sis, this ain't adding up Buster: She's the stupidest smart woman I've ever met Rio: Wilful ignorance probably the least blissful but Rio: easier than dealing with the shitstorm I suppose Buster: Yeah Rio: I'd ask him but don't wanna give him any better ideas, get outta this one yourself moron Buster: Don't talk to him Rio: I'm not, he's just chatting shit Buster: About me? Rio: Well yeah, gotta try and save face after you beat him, like I care Buster: Tell me Rio: Not saying anything worth hearing, or getting mad about, don't worry Buster: Everything that comes out of his mouth makes me mad Buster: Don't start keeping secrets for him too Rio: I'm not, if you wanna know then you can but no need to bloody your knuckles over it a 2nd time is all I'm saying Buster: Whatever Rio: Don't be mad, I shouldn't have brought it up Buster: Yeah you should Buster: That's my fucking point Rio: It doesn't bother me Rio: I just ignore him Buster: Don't even fucking start me on that Buster: Seriously Rio: What Rio: what am I meant to do Buster: I'm not talking in circles with you about this Buster: You know the answers already and I'm mad Rio: If I thought there was a better way to deal with it, I'd be doing that so Rio: let's leave it Buster: Whatever Buster: Just keep leaving it for his fucking benefit, yeah? Fine Rio: Not his, everyone else's Buster: Bullshit. Who's it helping but him? Rio: Indie, Ro, their kid Rio: saving the entire fam from the aggro Buster: Nah Buster: They'd be better off knowing Buster: You're saving yourself 'cause you reckon they're gonna think you like it, nothing I can say 'cause I know better and I'm the most selfish cunt going too, but own it Buster: At least to me Buster: No more excuses, like Rio: You really think that's all it is, that I'm that selfish Rio: Fuck off Buster: I reckon it's closest to the truth, yeah Buster: 'Cause chat all you want but you're not saving the fam anything, just stalling and how is that better? Buster: Why would you wanna wait til that baby is old enough to understand or Ro's married? Fuck that Rio: So that's on me now too, yeah? Rio: She's turned a blindeye to worse and we all know it Buster: She ain't turning a blind eye to this though and you know it Buster: She doesn't know Buster: He ain't that stupid and neither is she Rio: There's nothing to know because nothing's going to happen Rio: Despite what you clearly reckon, I won't let it Buster: Fuck off, Rio Buster: Don't twist my words Buster: The intent is there, ain't that bad enough? Rio: What, like I'm special? Rio: Sure he's already cheating on her Rio: sorry I don't wanna be the other woman she can push bullshit blame on Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: She's not gonna blame you Buster: You're family, she loves you, she helped raise you, shut up Rio: Whatever Rio: I know how this goes Buster: No you don't Buster: And if Nance was in your place you wouldn't be saying whatever about it Rio: Well she isn't Rio: and it wouldn't be anyone but me Buster: Don't you dare tell me again that you asked for this Buster: Jesus Christ Rio: I didn't say it Buster: You're thinking it though Buster: That's so fucked Rio: You've said as much right here so don't act like you haven't Rio: or that everyone else won't so yeah, whatever, you're right Buster: I've never meant it though Buster: You do Rio: It's the truth Buster: No it's not Buster: It's so far from the truth Rio: Whatever Rio: I've got nothing more to say about it Buster: Fuck this Buster: I'm going for a walk Rio: Alright Buster: Yeah it will be, I'm not gonna punch anyone on my way out, like Rio: Good to know Buster: Besides, even if I did, it can't be traced back to you in any way this time so Buster: All good Rio: Don't be a prick Buster: Like you said, I can't act like I ain't Rio: When did I even say that Rio: This conversation is ridiculous Buster: 'Cause you're being ridiculous Rio: Me? Rio: Okay Buster: Yeah you Buster: It ain't me Rio: Blame me all you've gotta Buster: I'd be in good company if I did at least Rio: Shut up Buster: No Rio: Thought you were going for a walk Buster: I am Buster: I can walk and talk just as easy as you can tell me to fuck off if that's what you want Rio: Do what you want Rio: just don't fall in the river and drown Buster: Fuck that Buster: I'm not an idiot Rio: I'm just saying Rio: I'm glad you're so passionately anti-drowning Buster: Whatever you say, babe Rio: 🙄 I want you to drown now do I? Rio: Jesus Buster, the drama Buster: I've gotta keep up with this fam somehow, all about that competitive streak, you know Rio: Do what you must Rio: Not in the mood for playing Buster: Go back to texting Drew then Buster: 'Cause he ain't Rio: Don't tempt me Buster: Don't use me as your excuse Rio: Fuck off Rio: If I'm gonna get accused then I may as well do it Buster: Fuck you Buster: If you wanna do it, do it, don't act like it's about me Rio: It isn't about you Rio: I desperately wanna ride Drew, ofc Buster: Shut up Rio: Isn't that what you wanna hear? Buster: Don't Rio: Then why are we having this conversation Buster: 'Cause he wants to fuck you and you don't care Buster: Just fucking care about yourself Rio: Whatever, everybody wants to fuck me Rio: I'm everyone's favourite, yeah? Buster: Stop Buster: It's different and you know it Rio: Really Rio: I don't think we should go there Buster: Whatever Rio: Seriously, glass house, stones, not a good idea Buster: What the fuck Rio: You don't see the irony in that at all Buster: Obviously you do Rio: I'm not blind Buster: Say what you wanna fucking say, Rio, you ain't mute either Rio: I've said it but fine Rio: it's alright when it benefits you but now it ain't 'cos it's him Buster: Seriously Buster: Fuck you Buster: How dare you Rio: It needed to be said Rio: there's no world in which I can make a big fuss about this Drew situation and then out us, it isn't going to work Buster: No it didn't Buster: Don't talk to me Rio: Fine