#it has a ton of amenities too that will be super helpful

[thedisablednaturalist]

I found a really nice apartment that is part of an affordable housing program in my county and it has really nice ADA apartments. I'm going to apply ASAP. I did the math and I should definitely qualify and afford it without using up all my monthly income. Things are finally looking up!!

[dangerously-human]

Mentor-director asked me to put together basically a DIY job description of what my ideal job would look like in the short term and long term, and for the latter, a deadline by which I would likely make the decision to stay or leave this job based on whether what I want is something they need/can support. Partly this is because we keep getting different answers when I ask to work more directly on research, and partly it's because there are some big-picture discussions ongoing about the future structure of my current team, especially since the two senior analysts have both been here 4+ years in a role that is usually expected to last 3-5. I'm struggling a little bit with the long-term plan because I don't quite intend to be here that long - my hope and prayer is to be living, and thus working, in Ireland by 3 years from now. But then I realized there is nothing stopping me from asking for my bigger dream now, and actually it kind of frees me up to shoot for the moon if I'm not tiptoeing around a plan for a lifelong career. Anyway, I met with my primary collaborator today, who has also and perhaps more directly been mentoring me a ton over the last two years, and I asked her to help me think through this partly by sharing what it is I bring to the table in our work together and why she wants me to be allowed to do funded work with her in the future. Which ended up being super helpful, and then I sat down with a bunch of job descriptions I printed out and started going through what currently exists that's the closest match to what I want vs. what I'm qualified for, and anyway, perhaps the short version is that I realized I've been asking for so much smaller than what I want and I am actually totally capable of my dream, and if I can just get a yes from senior bosses, I could do it! The funding even exists now, and the right people to advocate for me, and I'm still really disappointed that the answer has been yes as long as I don't ask to get paid for the work (which is absurd). I am capable of being a research scientist! I have the right skill set and education, even without a doctorate. I do need a contingency plan for what happens when funding doesn't come through - everyone I work with does clinical work as their backup plan, and that's not my area, so I would have to find out if data management is a feasible fluctuating contribution like that (maybe if I float between labs). It's been a lateral move, so no one can argue salary as the reason not to approve the change. Or I could be a research statistician instead, which maybe is a better in-between and easier to loan me out in the case of rejected grants (pays a little more too, which is great for me but maybe harder to justify in the short term). I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not really starting from scratch, and I feel a lot more confident in what to ask for now. The cogs move so slowly in academia, but if I can argue my case well, and my bosses are amenable, and the grant cycles work out, maybe this is something that could happen within the next year...? It's worth a shot, anyway.

[indigo-a-creeping]

Ordered a new phone because my old one is working again, but the back has come unglued. I'm downgrading to a cheap Motorola because I no longer need my phone for work; we'll see how I like it. If it's terrible, at least I'm not throwing a ton of money into it.

...And I found a deal on cat DNA tests, so I ordered a couple of those too, for fun.

I haven't been doing much with Graham out of a need to be fair and treat both cats the same, but Toasty would rather be left to her own devices and love on her own terms (which is very loving, but a little more private), and Graham is just super outgoing and trainable and motivated and energetic, and he really needs more exercise and activity, so I think I will work with him on a harness and see if he would be amenable to some outside adventures (aside from sitting on the porch and a mad dash outside once). If he could get more comfortable in the car, that would help greatly too.

[fabfemmeboy]

Oo, I can help! I'm not a Brit, but I watch way too many of their topical news shows and then google things because I'm Like That.

Yes - Conservatives = Tories, and they have been in charge for the last 14 years. The main policies have been austerity (e.g. cutting government services especially for the poor), cutting the hell out of the NHS and claiming it's required because of expenses (even though the people who are responsible for NHS have absurdly accurate tables and predictions of exactly what money they'll need in the future, but the government purposefully ignored it), and Brexit. All of which have gone disastrously. And then they were in charge for all of Covid, which went better there than in the US but not by much. The Tories made really strict lockdowns, then basically everyone in a leadership position was caught publicly breaking lockdown in comically absurd ways.

Nigel Farage was the leading voice of the Brexit campaign...and yeah is pretty much their MAGA. He was a Member of the European Parliament for like 20 years despite not believing the EU should exist (which is like when the US named John Bolton as UN Ambassador after he said that you could blow up the entire top half of the UN building and the world would be better off). He's anti-immigrant, anti-Europe, and basically wants to take the country back to its pith-helmet-wearing Empire days. He's also someone who prefers political stunts to staid, solid leadership. But less word-salad than Trump, and he doesn't generally hold offices with actual power, so that's good.

Reform UK is Farage's party (he's the leader). And to explain why the far-right are super excited that Reform UK is taking traditional Conservative seats, we have to go back a bit. Back in 2015-16, David Cameron (the first Conservative PM since the 1990s) was facing a lot of tension from within his party about leaving the EU. He didn't want to and called for a public referendum about the issue. He assumed that a handful of conservatives would vote "leave," the rest of the public would vote "remain," and he could put the whole issue to bed. That isn't what happened. The UK as a whole voted roughly 52-48 to leave the EU. This obviously didn't calm the internal struggles. Plus it turned out that "let's leave the EU!" was a lot easier said than done, because it required undoing an entire body of laws and figuring out how to avoid war in Northern Ireland and also how to important basic supplies and medications etc. Cameron resigned and was succeeded by Theresa May, who tried to figure out how to actually exit from the EU. She couldn't come up with any kind of agreement that was both feasible to reasonable people AND amenable to the far-right Farage-types. This divide has continued and not been able to mend. If you're American and old enough to remember (or have seen Newsroom), think of this election like when the Tea Party primaried out a ton of traditional conservatives in the 2010 midterms. The more elected legislators there are in the far-right party, the further right the main party moves - either to try to win back their seats or to form a coalition etc. So you're right: it's not a good sign at all.

"Do we like Jeremy Corbyn?" is a very complicated question. Um. So he used to lead the Labour Party and was the Leader of the Opposition for like 5-6 years (the equivalent of Chuck Schumer's job 2017-2021) and didn't do a fantastic job. He did what he could to move the party further left (yay) but also really sucked at helping get more Labour MPs elected (sad). There were also some major issues with anti-semitism both within the party and with him personally. He resigned as Labour Leader right at the start of the pandemic and was suspended from the party as a result of the report on anti-semitism. As the 2024 election approached, Corbyn tried to run (or "stand" as they say there) for his seat again, and he had unanimous support from the local party, but he was prohibited from running as a Labour candidate because he had been suspended from the party. He said "fine, fuck that, I'll run as an independent" and was then expelled from the party. The fact that he won shows that his local area still likes him a lot, even if the party doesnt. If the election were close enough that Labour needed a coalition of some kind, then his win would be more important, but since Labour is winning SO big and the Tories are losing SO badly, it's more of an interesting event than something with significant consequences.

I need a UK Election for Dummies

This is what I DO know:

Conservatives (aka Tories?) have been in charge and that has only led to Brexit and attempting to dismantle the NHS

Nigel Farage is basically a British MAGA (MBGA?)

Labour might win the whole thing, but:

Reform UK is pulling votes away from the Tories? Which the far right is treating as a win (and that can't be good)

There are other parties, and Corbyn won as an independent (do we like him? IDK?)

I'm so lost...

[enderwoah]

ORIGINS SMP HEADCANONS (because i love them): SEASON TWO EDITION BAYBEEE

(this is really long ENJOY :gun:)

tommy

he is phil's son smile

phil's most recent son at least

he's got like one more somewhere

he picked this one up off the dangerous streets a few years ago and he's been sticking with phil ever since

his wings are small- not too small to fly, but they're untrained to the point where it would take a lot or work to get him off the ground

but at first, he didn't really seem to want to learn all that much?

(he has three scars on his face- all from trying to learn how to fly when he was younger)

(he gave up after the third one)

("if at first you don't succeed; try, try again" is his motto, and he tried all three times)

but!! phil and wilbur are very persuasive :) and now that he knows he can fly, he's not going to rest until he does

he's a little manipulative to get what he wants sometimes, but can you blame someone that lived on the street for so long?

he had to do that to survive! it's not his fault.

(it's a great excuse.)

he laughs like a kookaburra amen

he squawks when he gets scared

he chirps. he tries not to because it makes phil go absolutely bird-brained but he does sometimes and he hates it.

tubbo

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A B[GUNSHOTS]

god he is. so fucking annoying (/rp)

he simply does not know when to stop

he ignores social cues to see when someone is annoyed

(see: he can read social cues. he does read social cues. when you get annoyed that's when he starts being more annoying, because you're more likely to give him what he wants to get him to shut the fuck up.)

he loves talking to (at) people, especially people he doesn't really know that well

so he's trying to be friends with ranboo, but the absolute prick keeps trying to avoid any actual conversations, so that's not working

he buzzes when he gets excited-happy

his fingertips are completely blackened and horrendously sharp, functioning as ten individual stingers

they don't do any actual damage but he's working on that

techno

wither hybrid (??)

how can you be a wither hybrid?? nobody got down and dirty with the wither

he's an experiment

the reason we haven't seen him yet? he's staying away from the main area of the smp

he doesn't want to ruin its natural beauty with his withering effect, so he keeps to himself on the outskirts of the smp

which sucks

withers get health from killing things

he's not fully a wither, so he gets energy from being around people and sort of draining their life force a little bit

he feels terrible when he's with just one person because they are Literally his life support and it makes the person feel like shit

when he's with a big group of people its great!! he only has to take a little bit from everyone and its barely noticable!!

but then there's the wither part. so he has to stay away.

he's always tired

always exhausted

he's a farmer, so taking it from animals works, but god does he miss people

but he can only visit a few times and for very short

(he's afraid that one of these days he'll get so bad that the next time he sees someone he'll accidentally kill them)

(it already happened once. he's blessed that he's been forgiven, even made friends with by the victims, but he doubts he'll be able to pull that off again with no consequences like last time)

wilbur

phantlings are dead elytrians, and given that wilbur was phil's son...he's a phantling

he died in the late 50s and was a librarian when he was alive, so he's very possessive (ha) over all of his things

you should never ask to "borrow" anything from him, he will hound you about it until you give it back

it's best to just say that you want something from him to keep

even if youre going to give it back

just for your own peace of mind

phantlings can feel fear and get a genuine feeling of elation from scaring people

of course, sometimes its unwelcome (feeling large amounts of fear from someone they care about in a bad way just makes them pissed)

but for the most part, wilbur loves appearing in the corner of people's visions just to jumpscare them a few minutes later

all in good fun, of course!! it's just hilarious :)

being the lighthearted, fun guy he is, he's not particularly secretive about his method of death

"how did i die? well, it all started -- ended -- on november 16th, 1958!"

"i walked out of the library late, since i took the shift for my wife since she was feeling sick and i worked there anyways,"

"the streets were dark and only lit up by gaslamps...and out of an alley...appeared..........."

techno.

he didn't mean it. wilbur isn't at all mad at him (anymore)

he was starving. he didn't know that one touch would be enough to fully revitalize him...

and murder wilbur where he stood.

sneeg

has details on everyone on the server

you Cannot Hide Shit From Sneeg

its impossible

if you find of his any shittly little mouse holes then you're doomed

you find one and there are twenty more

he's under your floorboards while you're having your important discussion about trapping the nether roof

sucks to suck ig??

he seems to be the favourite of many, which is weird since he rarely goes out of his way to actually talk to many people

he's the only person that tubbo doesn't actively try to annoy (or maybe he just doesn't find tubbo's antics all that annoying)

he's the only person that ranboo stays around (or maybe he stays around ranboo- he and Phil seem to be the only ones not off-put by his slightly sadistic and whiny demeanour (not counting tubbo, who annoys him anyways)

phil seems to be more protective of him than he thinks is normal (he lets sneeg ride on his shoulder while travelling, so he doesn't really complain)

niki is completely protective over him (again, not complaining)

contrary to popular believe, he does not get high from sugar

if anything he gets

high-per

(get it)

(high-per)

(hyper)

he's literally just a nine-year old getting a sugar rush leave him alone

phil

take the normal "bird-brain" headcanons and multiply it by like sixty-four

and you've got origins phil

he can't see glass- or, rather, he can, but it doesn't register that 'hey, this is a solid surface i am going to slam into'

its very funny for everyone else but he's pretty sure he has permanent brain damage from the blunt force trauma

if there is ANYONE on the server who dares to chirp, bird or no, they must understand that they are signing away their privacy and giving phil the right to go absolutely bonkers over them momma bird style

(shoutout to tommy, wilbur, ranboo, and fundy for having to suffer through this)

"oh??? you don't have wings?? you don't have feathers?? omg?? then what's this im preening?? what do you mean im just braiding your hair?? nono this is preening smile"

god help you if you dare to have wings

poor tommy, wilbur, sneeg, and tubbo

phil can't help himself alright

do you think he wants to be any sort of protective over sneegsnag?

no!! but he cant stop himself!! sneeg might damage his wings if he keeps flying those super long distances!!! nnnno! carry the bug man!!!

it's weird, he's always had that protective sense over ranboo, too

but ranboo very obviously doesn't have wings, so he doesn't get it...

ranboo

yes ur a peasant

yes ur poor

yes im cooler than u

what r u gonna do about it

the enderdragon's son! partially a dragon, partially enderman, partially human (don't ask, his other mom is a hybrid), all spoiled brat!

given that he has a ton of dragon genes, he's extremely possessive over his stuff and Yes He Does Do The Hoarding Thing

he has a pile of rings and gold chains and necklaces and most of his jewellery hidden underneath his bed

(if you ask him, no, he doesn't)

not to wear

just to Have

one time, fundy stole one (1) bracelet from the hoard and ranboo was sent into a panic for a good 24 hours

he wouldn't leave his cave and kept counting and recounting as if that'd make the missing piece reappear

(when fundy had to give it back because of the guilt, he expected to get his face bitten off)

(instead, he just watched as the prince was flooded with relief, telling him to get the hell out and nothing more)

it's weird, he has so much gold and even a crown, and yet here he is

living with all those people ^^^

truth be told, the enderdragon isn't a very nice dragon

nor is she a very kind queen

nor was the other queen

nor was her son

there was a mutiny in the end, leading to the dragon queen and her wife being killed brutally by the crowd of angered people

they went after their son next, who had ordered executions and worked servants to the bone just as much as they had

they cut off his wings in the middle of the square

he was sure he was going to die until a random person (a peasant) jumped up and yelled at them for publicly torturing a child

but ranboo didn't really catch all of it, given he was delirious from pain

he got to get some stuff quickly and escape with his life

this wasn't too long ago, either, so he's still trying to...adjust...to people talking rudely to him

(he's also trying to adjust to not having wings)

(hence why he hurls himself off the edges of cliffs and then has to teleport to the bottom instead of glide. he keeps forgetting.)

[fauxkaren]

Crash Landing On You - 9.5/10

For my 2nd ever Kdrama Experience, I decided to go for a totally different genre- a romantic comedy/drama! When I tell you what the premise is, y'all are going to laugh, but just hear me out, ok?

Ahem. The basic premise of the show is that a South Korean woman named Se-ri, who comes from a wealthy family that runs a massive conglomerate and who now owns her own successful store and beauty/lifestyle brand, goes paragliding and a freak storm blows her into North Korea. (Look, just go with the shaky premise because the story is worth it!) Se-ri is found by a captain in the North Korean military named Jeong-hyeok and the tl;dr of it is that Jeong-hyeok and the four men under his command who were out on patrol with him decide to hide Se-ri and get her back to South Korea in order to cover their own asses. And then of course, while Se-ri is staying in Jeong-hyeok's house, looking for a way to get out of North Korea, feelings start to develop. Now that you've accepted the slightly silly premise of the show, let's talk about why this show is actually so good.

The central romance of the show is perfection. The leads have fantastic chemistry, but what really makes it work are the characters at the heart of it. Both Se-ri and Jeong-hyeok are damaged people and their relationship helps them to heal. Se-ri is an incredibly lonely woman at the start of the show. From the outside her life looks great, super rich with a successful business, but she's never felt love from her family and doesn't have any close friendships. She's lacking any real connection to other people. Jeong-hyeok's tragic backstory is that he was studying to be a concert pianist in Switzerland (his father is high up in the North Korean government so he was able to study abroad) when his brother was killed while serving in the military (under ~suspicious~ circumstances). He returned to North Korea to take his brother's place in the military, giving up his piano dreams and has since become a very isolated and closed off person. But as Se-ri and Jeong-hyeok get to know each other, Se-ri's cheerful demeanor charms Jeong-hyeok, breaking down his walls, and the way that Jeong-hyeok looks out for Se-ri teaches how her how to accept care from others and how to love herself too. But of course, they're kinda doomed because you know... the whole North and South Korea thing.

One of the most interesting parts of this show is the portrayal of North Korea. I'm not a North Korea Expert, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of this show, but let's just pretend it's accurate. The show gives us insight into life outside of Pyongyang which I feel is often overlooked in discussions about North Korea. But Crash Landing portrays a version of realities of life for North Koreans outside the capital- frequent blackouts, a black market for goods from South Korea, the various ways that the North Korean villagers view South Korea and so on. A good chunk of the show takes place in a small village near the border which brings me to one of the main highlights of this show- the locals! The residents of the village and the men under Jeong-hyeok's command that help hide Se-ri are a DELIGHT. The way that the locals and Se-ri all grow to genuinely care about each other is so sweet.

The secondary romance between Dan (who is Jeong-hyeok's arranged marriage fiancée) and Seung-jun (a South Korean who is hiding out in North Korea to avoid the consequences of conning Se-ri's brother out a ton of money) is also quite sweet. And it's primarily through their storylines that we get to look at life in Pyongyang for the wealthy citizens of North Korea. Being part of the upper echelon of North Korean society affords Dan and her family many amenities that regular North Koreans don't have, but it's still at least 20 years behind where South Korea is.

When describing this drama, I feel like Stefon from SNL's Weekend Update. This show has everything: arranged marriages, corruption in an oppressive regime, SUPER attractive people giving each other longing glances, star-crossed lovers, paragliding, ruthless family members, life in a surveillance state, hot men doing hand-to-hand combat,... what's not to love?

For real though, Crash Landing On You is a super enjoyable watch. I'm only docking half a point because I felt the ending was not quite satisfying and I'm salty about it. But in spite of that, I would whole heartedly recommend watching this show.

[sugar-petals]

BTS Scenario: Taking Care of Them When They Have a Cold

↳ ♡ NOTE ⇁ time for fluff. autumn season is coming, let me set the mood right here, we’re going cozy 🍂

warnings ⚠️ hurt/comfort, brief mention of sexual tension

⌈jimin⌋ ⇢ Jimin’s cold is unusually subtle. In terms of visible signs, it’d take some time to notice it for someone who doesn’t know him or doesn’t check just how heavy another person’s breath is going. But feedback? You will definitely get. Compared to how he’s pouting about it, which will melt your heart is what I’m saying, the symptoms are understated in comparison to the other members. Taehyung’s cough can shatter an entire neighborhood, Jimin sneezing is as graceful as a gazelle. Mind you, his nose is runny, and the slight fatigue of the first two days isn’t negligible, but the major thing to actively mend is more psychological than physical. In other words, his body does its thing, you don’t have to overextend yourself. 

That’s what you have to figure out first to really take care of him properly. After laying him down and bringing both snacks and liquids, talking is what he needs rather than ten thousand types of medications and cool towels all over him. Jimin doesn’t want to see you become sick as well so you don’t sit up close, but at talking range, and you text a lot during the day while you work. He’s worried about not being able to practice and hopes the cold doesn’t show in his appearance. You assure him it takes five days at best and he is okay again and promise a lot of kisses. With that prospect, healing is even sweeter. And, you know the guy, Jimin misses seducing you, so.

⌈taehyung⌋ ⇢ Absolutely enjoys being babied ten times out of ten. Nothing better than you preparing a hot herbal bath. Rosemary, thyme, camomile. The steam spiraling off the water surface looks so relaxing in the candlelight, the classical music you put on sways him into a trance, he lays there for half an hour just motionless. He gets a little tray of coconut cookies on the bed stand, you play the guitar to him, you massage his feet before he sleeps… Which, and he hates admitting it, makes it nice to be sick. By all means not because of the fever, but the extra attentions, the hot chocolate for bed. Taehyung thinks about that twice and concludes something. He doesn’t want to get a cold just to receive this treatment. Not for his own health nor to worry or overwhelm you, he’s not gonna guilt-trip you into being a servant. 

So, you agree for later: It’s good to treat him sporadically just because, whenever and wherever, cue Shakira. That Taehyung so enjoys a good healing and mending time and it just explodes when you both have a reason to, that’s rather something to expand to the whole relationship. Taehyung will do the exact spoiling for you, with a romantic twist the way you know him. It doesn’t need a sickness to resort to doing nice things for your partner. At the end of the day, the body will remember it and get sick again because it sees what it gets through being ill. That’s something to squarely avoid doing, a random gesture is good for its own sake, amen.

⌈yoongi⌋ ⇢ Grumpy, murmuring, disgruntled he can’t work without getting a headache, needs a lot of silence to recover so he curls up on his own with earphones in and fifty playlists on repeat. He’s like tch, only thing I need is tiger balm to whip me back into shape. Or… wait. Wait a second. A cup of steaming hot coffee with extra foam he will not reject. Or a plate of fried rice. Anything fried and super crispy, really. Yoongi likes those things, especially when prepared by you. Nothing is more honoring. Actually? I’ll change the initial statement. Yoongi does accept some help. You simply gotta find out his catnip I mean favorite dishes and either know the place to order it from or have some kitchen basics down. Nothing super fancy though, it doesn’t need a God’s Menu. The right seasoning does the trick already. 

He wants it mega spicy, sweating out the cold is the way to go said Yoongi’s mom back in the day so he goes by that motto. Love starts in the stomach for felines. If another BTS member drops take-out at the door, even better, that uplifts him greatly. When he munches, that’s the most gratifying thing in the world. Yoongi wants you to eat with him by the bed so that means chili in the bedroom but screw it. All that food and you cranking up the heater distracts Yoongi from his cold and some head pats have him on his way to recovery. And, by the way. He’s kinda turned on by you cooking for him so… the frustration is real, you’re gonna fuck like rabbits once he’s okay again.

★ ⌈namjoon⌋ ⇢ The friendly giant will stay in denial about his cough for at least three days and walk around with way too much medicine in his system. He begs for someone to relieve him, mostly himself, but all those sky-high standards are in the way. Responsibility! Hard work and endurance! Solve it in your head! What is the spiritual reason for colds? How many pills keep you awake for an all-nighter to write an album in one go? What’s next on the schedule? So it goes on, you know the deal with Joonie. You have to kick that leader butt so he finally enters the healing cave under the sheets. Don’t kick too hard though, he doesn’t have Jimin-level cushions. He topples over into his sheets fast anyway, he’s that level of exhausted from his own suppression. 

The story goes on, Namjoon feels extremely guilty for getting pampered and still ponders the reasons why he is ill rather than slowing down a minute and closing his laptop for a hot second. It gets a little awkward unless you figure out your secret weapon. What he feels better with is you reading him stories while he rests on the sofa. I’m not kidding. Or if you’re busy or he wants to be alone, audiobooks. That input is like a lullaby to Namjoon who gets knocked out by the soft whispering only to descend into 12 hours of sleep. Ah, he’s namjooning. Yep. His cold will force him into resting, but by the time he recovers, he is six books wiser and has had the pleasure of listening to your voice which he finds soothing. Thankful he is, anticipate an expensive present and flowers.

★ ⌈jungkook⌋ ⇢ Meal and fluid intake: Quantity explosion! Wow, wow, and wow again, the sheer amount that he can snack and turn into what seems even more muscle and more sweetness. Guinness World Record. He knows his system is currently resetting, he wants to hand it the building blocks, he knows the math. Yes, even sick Jungkook is the cutest foodie in the world. Yes, he will eat his veggies. He worries about not being able to work out so you at least help him stretch his legs ever so slightly in bed. He’s missing his boxing gloves like crazy, he wants to see the members in the practice room, he wants his milk. The latter is easy to get for him, and FaceTime comes in handy. 

Namjoon does a little motivational speech, and Jungkook feels better almost instantly. Later on, you have to scold him — well, just a little bit — for getting up in all that enthusiasm to do some of his routine on the second day, but he already knows it’s not good for him to get his heart rate up like that. He patiently snuggles in a cocoon of duvets with only his eyes being visible. Until, finally, his red lil’ nose goes back to normal and his lungs feel a lot lighter. Jungkook really hates being dizzy, so it’s a weight off his hunky shoulders all right. Then, he can join you at the dinner table for a double portion of extra Parmesan Spaghetti, and you settle on the couch to bingewatch romantic animes and any Studio Ghibli movie in history.

★ ⌈jin⌋ ⇢ It simply can’t be helped, he even wants to make this funny. Humor really is a never-ending well, Jin is Spongebob’s long lost cousin if you go by his amount of meme talk. He calls himself Rudolph the Red-Nosed Jindeer, stuffs handkerchiefs into his nostrils, draws smileys on his knees with the cream usually meant for a dry philtrum (he now has very hydrated knees, how about that), does impossible contortions to find the right sleeping or reading position. Honestly, you don’t really have to take much care of him nor worry, Jin will cure himself through laughter. The power of positive emotion. Entertainment is nothing to provide for, he’s a one-man show after all. Jin is the least bored when he’s sick among the group, however! It needs someone else to exchange with, you know. No punchline without an audience. Listening is the best thing. 

Sit, lean back, see what he has to say. The only thing you gotta actively do is stop him from choking on his own spit after a particularly dead-on joke. Maybe it’s introducing some room for serious time that helps Jin enter a different track. I can imagine that. Some talk about memories, talk about sorrows and issues. Jin is a complete man, but he still has plenty of ’em, demons don’t evade handsome people. And those need to be talked through in a silent minute. Jin also enjoys movie nights with a cup of tea in one hand and syrup in the other, that’s the go-to way to unwind. You can finally go all out and pour him his tea, bake for him, serve some self-made popcorn, extra sticky and sweet, oh yum.

★ ⌈hoseok⌋ ⇢ If Jimin and Hobi ever get colds at the same time, this will be the poutiest contest. They’re the most vocal about it in the group. Hoseok, and that will come to surprise you a little, becomes needy. Not at the beginning where he’s confused and emotional about what’s going on with him (someone who works this hard and needs a fully functioning body is thrown out of their lane even by the slightest symptom), but shortly after. You’ll come to understand how sensitive his body is, almost as perceptive as Jungkook’s actually. His body blows up with a strong fever, a hot man heating up even more is just an explosion of physics. 

He needs handkerchiefs, he needs tons of water, he needs music to distract him a little, he needs a heating blanket for his feet once the fever is gone. Granted, every sick person depends on those things, but Hoseok is someone who calls out of the bedroom often because he ran out. He’s not afraid to ask for things unlike Namjoon who would refuse out of overt politeness. You certainly have a lot to do because his cold comes in strong so it’s important you enjoy taking care of him and don’t do it out of obligation. Quality time is what we’re talking about here. It’s not about you doing the things, it’s about the presence. That’s why Hoseok will use his money well and always order proper take-out that’s not just classic fast food, you don’t have to cook or anything.

related: putting bts to sleep after a hard day 

© 2017-2020 submissive-bangtan. all rights reserved. no reposts allowed.

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

heey!, can yoy explain the differences between neighborhood in CA like Calabasas, Hollywood Hills that your anons and you are talking, I'm not from the US and don't get it Are some more wannabe but more accessible than others? thks!

I’ll take a stab at it, but I’m not from California so I may get the subtleties wrong. Maybe a Cali anon can help out?

My impression is that Malibu is THE top tier celebrity neighborhood in LA. It’s where the billionaires and super-celebs live, and the beachfront homes are big trophy properties. I expect this was Meg’s first choice. LOL, it’s probably the only LA neighborhood Harry is familiar with. Leonardo DeCaprio lives in Malibu.

Big celebs that aren’t top tier and have families live in Brentwood in large suburban houses with no pedigree but tons of space and amenities for kids. Jennifer Garner lives in Brentwood and she’s a good example of the vibe.

Mid-sized or up-and-coming celebs with no families live in Hollywood Hills, which has nice rambler-stye houses with vintage Hollywood pedigree as they were owned by big stars in the 50s. They flip those ramblers when they have kids and then buy in Brentwood, so it’s a bit of a starter-celeb neighborhood. Some stay, though. I think Keanu Reeves still has his “regular working actor” Hollywood Hills rambler. Joaquin Phoenix and Benicio del Toro also live there. I think the place has a “real actor working on his craft” vibe in some circles.

Pacific Palisades is a big yuppie neighborhood for rich lawyers and business people. It’s a super nice place to be, but normal people live there. It attracts the celebs who don’t really see themselves as celebs. I think Reese Witherspoon lived in Pacific Palisades for a while (or may still live there). She wanted to be a normal person.

Hipster celebs live in Santa Monica (if artsy or alternative), or Los Feliz (if deeply granola). The Beckhams lived in Santa Monica because Victoria was feeling her designer vibe. Liv Tyler lives in Los Feliz.

Pasadena is the country-club suburb where rich conservative people live. It has preppy style and is where the “old money” (or what passes for old money in Cali) lives. Meryl Streep bought in Pasadena. 

Calabassas is all new McMansions and is where the Kardashians and the reality show elite lives. Athletes like it too.

Beverly Hills is tacky rich people who want to be famous, but really aren’t. Nicolas Cage had a house in Beverly Hills and he lost it to foreclosure. Ditto Bel Air, imo, although Bel Air has a bit more vintage Hollywood chic. Kim K bought a house in Bel Air, but I think she flipped it.

https://www.doorsteps.com/articles/celebrities-who-live-in-los-angeles-broken-down-by-neighborhood

[imaginesforyourfandom]

Loving Her: Alex Morgan - Chapter 9

And it all comes out…

Alex POV:

“This is so stupid” (Y/N) mumbled as Allie let out a laugh. “I don’t even know why I have to do this…”

“Because it’s fun” Mal said as (Y/N) shook her head. She took a step back before striking the ball. The ball sailed over everyone as it went into the back of the net just missing the post. “YES! I win!”

“Fuck…” (Y/N) said pouting as Mal started celebrating with Sonnett and them.

“I beat you…” she sang jumping around as I laughed at their antics. “I beat you!”

“So what?” she said pouting as everyone laughed.

“I always knew you were a sore loser.” Christen said as everyone nodded in agreement. (Y/N) scoffed shaking her head and mocking everyone.

“It’s okay baby.” I said as she looked over at me. “You won the biggest prize of all..”

“What’s that?” she asked with a confused look on her face.

“My heart of course…”

“Oh” she said as I scowled at her lack of enthusiasm. “I mean…that’s only thing I need in life.”

“Nice save.” Kelley said as I turned my glare to her.

“Thanks.” She said as I crossed my arms and gave her a look. “What? It’s just so easy to mess with you. Like, you make it so easy…”

“That does not mean you should do it.” Christen said as Tobin and them all were laughing.

“Exactly.” I said agreeing with Christen.

“(Y/N), I think your best friend is turning on you.” Rose said as (Y/N) rolled her eyes.

“This joke isn’t even funny anymore.” Christen said as I smiled at the irritated expression on (Y/N)’s face.

“It was never funny.” She said crossing her arms

“You just make it so easy though.” I said mocking her as she smiled at me.

“Alright everyone…back to practice.” Jill yelled as we all got back to our practice. The Sweden game was tomorrow so we had light training for the day to prepare ourselves. (Y/N) was super pumped because we both were returning to the starting lineup. It blows my mind that she is actually worried about not starting when she is one of our more technical players.

The last few weeks have been really nice for us. It’s been a good balance of time we have got to spend alone and time with the team. I have had to do more press than usual, so I know she has spent a ton of time with like Christen and Becky. It feels like we are in a great place though. I feel like we have been in a really blissful place that hasn’t really stopped since we got together. One thing I don’t like though is that I have been feeling this sense of dread, like somehow that blissful place is going to be ruined. I can’t explain it fully. I just keep feeling like something is going to happen.

(Y/N) has reassured me that nothing could break us apart, but I don’t feel like that’s fully true. Despite how open and honest we have been with each other; I know there are things that we are keeping from each other. I thought after she opened up to me that I would feel a little better, but I can’t help but feel like there is more stuff she isn’t saying. As for me and what I am keeping from her, let’s just say I messed up. I didn’t cheat or anything, but I do think it definitely counts as a betrayal.

“Alex!” I was broken out of my thoughts by Allie who gave me a weird look. “Come on…trainings done for the day.”

I turned to see mostly everyone either walking off or standing in a little circle talking. I spotted my girlfriend walking with Tierna, Sonnett, Rose, and Sam. They were walking towards the group of Christen, Tobin, Pinoe, and Ash.

“Are you alright?” Kelley asked as I nodded my head.

“I just have a lot on my mind…” I said as she nodded her head. I stretched out a little as we made our way towards the group. I took a sip of the water bottle in my hand as Kelley gave me a concerned look.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” I said as we joined the other group. She nodded her head as I walked towards (Y/N).

“Hey baby…you good?” she asked as I nodded my head. She wrapped an arm around me as I let my head drop to her shoulder.

“So, real talk. Do we think Sweden is going to put their best lineup out there?” Ash asked as some people shrugged their shoulders.

“I don’t think so…they are already onto the knockouts and when you consider which side of the bracket is more appealing…I really don’t think they want to win the group.” Sonnett said taking a sip of water from the bottle that I brought over.

“You don’t think they want to play Spain? Or potentially France or Brazil?” Pinoe asked with an amused smile as everyone laughed.

“God, I can’t believe that’s going to be our side of the bracket if we win…” Sam said closing her eyes with an exasperated look on her face.

“I can’t wait…” (Y/N) said with a grin.

“Psychopath…” Tierna mumbled as they both laughed.

“You want to be the best…you got to beat the best. I don’t want to win this tournament saying we took the easy way to the final.” She said as several people nodded their heads.

“Amen to that.” Allie said as we all then headed to the locker room.

Once we got back to the hotel, it was mainly relaxing and doing last minute game talks. I took a quick shower and smiled when I came out to see (Y/N) facetiming with Santiago.

“I just feel like you’re being a little bitch about this.” I heard him say as she rolled her eyes.

“You say the kindest things…” she said as I laid down next to her. I wrapped my arms around her waist as I rested my head on her shoulder.

“Is that Alex?” he asked as she gave me a look.

“Who else could this possibly be?” she asked as he started yelling at her.

“I didn’t want to be rude and assume that it was her. What if it wasn’t her?” he yelled as I laughed.

“Who else would be cuddled up to me like this?” she asked with an exasperated look on her face.

“Your whole team is freakishly close…it could have been anyone.”

“I hate you. Goodnight Santi.” She said as she hung up on him as he yelled back goodnight to her.

“He’s going to yell at you for hanging up on him” I said as she nodded her head.

“Probably.” She commented leaning in to give me a kiss. I leaned into her as I soon found myself fully on top of her.

She sat up with me in her lap as things got a little heated. One of her hands slipped under my shirt as the other gripped my thigh. My hands were gripping her face and neck as if my life depended on it. Eventually, air was a necessity as we pulled away. We stared at each other for a moment as we tried to catch our breath.

“We should really stop.” She mumbled as I nodded going in for another kiss. Our little make out session continued for a few more minutes, before I realized that she was right. We really needed to stop. I pulled away with her trying to follow my lips. I had my eyes closed trying to regain my composure. She wasn’t on the same page of relaxing for a moment, because she immediately went for my neck. It didn’t take her long to find my sweet spot as I bit back the moan that was threatening to come out.

“If we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to stop at all.” I said as she continued placing kisses on my neck.

“What’s wrong with that?” she asked as I reluctantly pulled away completely this time.

“We have to play tomorrow which means we need our sleep tonight.” I said as her dark eyes focused on my lips. She licked her lips as she nodded her head. “(Y/N), I am serious.”

She looked up into my eyes as she seemed to snap out of whatever haze she was in. She nodded her head as she slowly laid back down.

“If I lay down, are you going to behave?” I asked as she sent me a mischievous look

“Of course, I will love…” she said as I laid down next to her. She turned a little to wrap her arms around me.

“If I have to sleep in the other bed, because you can’t control yourself…I am going to be mad.”

“Alright I hear you….no funny business.” She said with an amused tone. She placed a quick kiss on my neck before snuggling into me. “Last one I promise.” I rolled my eyes before leaning over and turning off the light.

Once morning came, I headed into the bathroom to start getting ready but stopped when I took a look in the mirror.

“Son of a bitch.” I mumbled as I immediately exited the bathroom. I jumped onto the bed and picked up the pillow and started smacking (Y/N) with it.

“You” smack. “left” smack. “A.” smack. “Mark.” Smack. “You.” Smack. “Idiot.” Smack.

“Hey…” she groaned catching the pillow in her hand as she sat up. I glared at her as she frowned, but then bit back a smile once seeing my neck. “It’s not that noticeable.”

“Not that noticeable!?” I glared at her as she frowned most likely at being yelled at.

“Just put like some concealer on it…” she said as my glare intensified.

“I could kill you.” I said as I stood up and got off the bed with the pillow still in hand.

“At least everyone will know your taken now…” She let out a little laugh as I turned and chucked the pillow at her.  

I took a quick shower before getting out and looking into the mirror. I heard a little knock on the bathroom door as I turned to open the door. She was on the other side with a small smile.

“For what its worth, I am sorry.” She said as I examined the dark spots on my neck. I turned to her with a glare. The rest of the morning consisted of us getting ready while she continued saying sorry. I rolled my eyes as she grabbed my arm before we exited the room.

“I love you.” She said as I turned towards her not hiding my irritation at all. Technically, I knew she wasn’t trying to leave a mark. It just got way too heated last night. Too heated for being in the middle of the World Cup at least. I wanted to be mad, but the little pout she was giving me was making my anger melt away. “I doubt anyone will notice.”

“They are going to notice. The teasing that we have already been getting is only going to intensify.”

“Probably. All I need to do is make one inappropriate joke and then they won’t want to talk about it anymore…”

“True.” I mumbled knowing that she was right. “I love you too.”

I leaned in and gave her a kiss as we exited the room.

(Y/N) POV Switch

As we got downstairs, I knew Alex was a little on edge because of the marks on her neck. She tried covering them up with makeup but if you looked close enough you could see them. I really hadn’t intended on giving her any. I just got a little worked up last night. We entered the room for breakfast and found our seats as everyone was making their way into the room. I knew that someone was most likely going to notice, but I hope that they just wouldn’t say anything.

“Is that a hickey?”

Well, it was wishful thinking. I groaned when Alex immediately turned bright red, then whipped around and glared at me as I gave her an apologetic look.

“It is!” Kelley said as she tried to examine her neck to which Alex slapped her hands away. I glared at Kelley as everyone who was at the table were squinting and trying to get a good look at Alex’s neck.

“You didn’t have that yesterday which means you two were a little busy last night…” Ash said wiggling her eyebrows at us.

“Gross.” Tierna mumbled from next to me.

“Are you guys having sex?” Allie asked as Alex leaned on the table with her head in her hands. I sank down in my seat a little not liking all the personal questions.

“I don’t want to know.” Christen said putting her hands over her ears. I fought the internal battle to annoy christen because I didn’t want to further embarrass Alex. I mean…we haven’t had sex.

“We aren’t having sex.” I said as Alex turned her head to face me. I was convinced it was just going to be a permanent glare for today.

“Alex’s neck says otherwise.” Pinoe said taking a bite of her food.

“We aren’t having sex.” I repeated shaking my head as there were a few huffs around the table.

“Really?” Kelley asked with an incredulous look.

“I would have thought that would be the first thing you guys did when you got together.” Allie said as Kelley and them nodded in agreement

“How can we when you never leave us alone…” I said with a glare as mostly everyone seemed to catch the hint.

“Anyway…the game today…” Tobin said changing the subject.

I leaned over a little and rubbed Alex’s back. I was trying to comfort her because I knew she was extremely irritated.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. She leaned back and shook her head as she started eating. I sighed as I started eating my food. As we were finishing up, she stood and left without saying a word to me. I knew deep down that she was mad at the situation and not at me. She wasn’t easily embarrassed which is how I knew this was somewhat serious.

“Hey, we didn’t mean to upset you guys…” Kelley said with an apologetic look.

“You guys just don’t know when to quit.” I said as I moved to go after Alex.

Once I caught up to the forward, I took her hand in mine. She tried to pull it away at first, but after a moment she relaxed a little.

“Alex, I am sorry.”

“I know.” She turned towards me as I frowned. “I’m not mad at you. I just…it’s hard enough going through everything and figuring everything out with you without all of them prying like that.”

“I know.” I pulled her in for a hug. “What can I do?”

“Hold me for a minute. You always bring me comfort.” She mumbled as I nodded my head.

“I can do that.” I held her in my arms for a moment before she pulled away a little.

“I love you.” I smiled as I leaned in to give her a kiss.

“I love you too.”

Eventually, we rejoined the group to which everyone apologized. She seemed to brush it off, but I knew it was probably going to bother her for a little while.

After breakfast, we had a quick team meeting before heading to the stadium. All this excitement almost made me forget we have a game today. A game that I get to play in!

Once we arrived at the stadium, we went through our warm-ups and did the anthem and got the game started. The first half got off to a great start with a goal from Lindsay who was able to send it into the back of the net while it was in traffic after a corner kick from Pinoe. The rest of the first half was pretty uneventful, as we headed to the locker room. We did our usual talk of tactics and strategy. What was working and what wasn’t working. Then, we got back out for the second half.

Alex came out of the game for Carli in the 46th minute, which was a bummer, but we were celebrating again in the 50th minute when Tobin’s shot went into the back of the net. It was an incredible shot. I groaned when they wanted to do a VAR check though.

“I’m going to be pissed if they call this off.” I said to Tobin who nodded her head. The ref came back a moment later and motioned that the goal would stand.

“Thank god.” Tobin mumbled as I got back into position to continue the game. About 10 minutes later, I l saw my number go up as Christen was standing on the sideline. I walked over to her and gave her a hug.

“Good luck.” I said as she smiled and ran onto the field. I made my way over to where the others were sitting.

“Good job!” Alex said as I smiled and sat next to her. We continued watching the game and I grinned when the final whistle went.

“Onto the Knockouts!” I said as everyone nodded.

Everything seemed to fly by as we got back to the hotel. The next two-three days went quick as we did travel and training and recovery. We finally had half a day off. We were able to get the hotel we were staying in to let us use one of their conference rooms to mess around in. The game was tomorrow so we were all hanging out trying to keep a good mood around. We knew the tournament was more do or die now because one loss and your out. Spain isn’t a team that’s just going to let us win. They are going to put up a fight and will probably be the toughest team we’ve faced so far…at least in my opinion.

Anyways, we are all hanging out like I said. We set up some of the chairs as if they were a net so we could do some soccer tennis. On my side was Mal and Rose. On the other side, was Kelley, Sonnet, and Lindsay. Alex and some of the other girls were watching as we kept rotating between teams.

“You’re cheating!” Sonnett yelled as I shook my head.

“I’m not cheating!” I said as Rose and Mal were practically on the ground laughing. “It’s not my fault that you suck!”

“Ohhhh, we want to go there now do we….” Kelley said as I laughed at the defender. We continued for another few minutes before my team won.

“Yes!” Mal said as she high fived me. “I knew we picked right with you…”

I shook my head with a laugh as Alex and them stood ready to do another rotation of teams. I winked at her as she shook her head. Some of us jumped when we heard the loud bang of the door being thrown open. I turned to see Christen with a furious look on her face. I sighed preparing myself for the fight that was coming. I thought I had a little more time…Tobin and JJ were both behind her with nervous looks as Christen stormed up to me. She didn’t say a word as she shoved me.

“Okay…” I said as she glared at me. Some of the other girls reacted by moving like they were going to separate us before I held up my hand to say stop.

“You are such an asshole!” Christen said as she glared at me. “How could you do this to me?”

“Okay…let me explain.”

“No, I don’t want to hear it.” She said pointing at me.

“You just asked me how I could do this…let me explain.”

“You knew how important it was…” she got in my face again as I swallowed and looked down for a moment.

“Christen please…” I said softly wishing for her to let me explain.

“Someone want to explain what’s going on?” Kelley asked with confusion as everyone looked between us with worried expressions.

“Why don’t you tell them what you did?” she asked crossing her arms. “Tell them how you betrayed me.”

“It’s not like that��”

“Then, what is it like…you used information I told you that I asked you not to tell anyone else…for your own personal gain. You are the most selfish person I have ever met.”

“Okay seriously…what happened?” Pinoe asked looking between us. I stayed silent for a moment as Christen scoffed.

“Everyone knows that I have been trying to help LAFC become an official NWSL team. The selection counsel changed their minds about allowing a team into the league next year and released a list of requirements that they gave to prospect teams. One of the requirements was that the team had to have an already established stadium. It’s been the biggest struggle for all the prospect teams, because its hard to find a stadium that accommodates everything. LAFC has been in talks with the owner of a stadium that is still being built. They didn’t want to just have the woman share with the men. So, they decided to find one that the woman could use to show that they care about growing the game.” She took a breath as I continued looking down.

“The stadium isn’t set to finish construction for another three months. It’s been a huge secret because they don’t have the money yet to buy the stadium which is why they agreed to finalize the deal after the construction is done. Only a few people really knew about the deal because they didn’t want to risk another team stealing the contract from them…I was one of them. I told (Y/N) about the deal months ago. Next thing I know, I am getting a call today from one of the LAFC reps freaking out because the rights to the stadium has just been purchased by FC Barcelona. Upon finding out that Barcelona has purchased the stadium, The NWSL selection counsel has greenlit them becoming an official team for next season. They are set to announce their first signing after the World Cup which will be…big surprise (Y/N) (Y/LN).”  

I closed my eyes as soon as she was done. There were a few gasps around the room as I lifted my head to look at Christen. There was so much emotion on her face. Anger and Betrayal. It hurt to know I was the cause of it.

“You’re leaving Utah?” Kelley asked looking at me. I nodded my head not breaking eye contact from Christen.

“Why would you do this?” she asked me again. “You knew how important it was for me to get to go home to LA.”

“I know that!” I said with an exasperated look on my face. “I know how important it is for you, but it’s important for me too. I saw the opportunity and I took it. You would have done the same.”

“You knew how important it was for me to be with my family!” she yelled at me causing some of the people in the room to flinch.

“It’s important for me too! I’d like to go home too! You don’t think it’s important for me to be with my family too?”

“What family do you have?” she yelled. “The one that kicked you out and doesn’t speak to you anymore?”

“Christen!” I heard Kelley hiss out.

I froze and it truly felt like everyone and everything stopped. I was paralyzed as I stared at her. It seemed to be the thing that snapped her out of her anger as she immediately had guilt on her face. I felt my throat tighten and my eyes start to water.

“How do you…” I turned my head slightly to look at Kelley who had a guilty expression as she closed her eyes upon seeing me look at her.

My thoughts were going in overdrive as my mind worked to connect all the dots. Christen knew. Judging by the look on her face, Kelley was the one who told her. So, who told Kelley? I knew this answer but for a split second I didn’t want to believe it.

I took a breath and then stepped to turn my body towards her. I lifted my eyes to Alex who had a pained expression to match my own.

“Wait…” she said attempting to come closer to me. I held up my hand stopping her in her tracks.

“You told Kelley…” I whispered as the tears started to flow from my eyes. She tried to come closer again as I took a step back.

“It was an accident, I-”

“An accident?” I asked with a look of disbelief. “How do you accidentally reveal my biggest secret to someone?”

“(Y/N)…please…”

“No!” I said as I frustratingly wiped my tears. “This isn’t a joke. It’s my life. I was fine with no one knowing. I was fine not being open. I was fine with all of you thinking I’m an emotionally challenged dick.” No one spoke for a moment as everyone was processing the information they had just heard.

“You know what…Fuck this.” I turned towards Christen who looked like she wanted to say something but remained quiet. “Fuck you.” I said pointing to her as I turned towards Kelley already making my way towards the door. “Fuck you.” I turned to Alex who look like she desperately wanted to follow me…I hesitated for a moment. “Fuck you most of all…” With that, I stormed out of the room.

To Be Continued…

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2019

The last list, for now. It’s been a wild ride.

Not the best of these lists, but some really refreshing stuff charted that year, and what was good was super good. And also, here’s a barely elligible #1 that nobody seemed to care about for some reason.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

In 2019, my finger was fixed, I dropkicked depression in the garbage bin (with a little help from Eurovision because it was super good and full of hilarious shit), got married, and went on a roadtrip on Vancouver Island (BC, Canada), and that was my first real travel in 13 years. Met a lot of great people, seen amazing places, trees, bears and whales. And planes are also part of the adventure when you’re not used to them (you can watch movies on little screens from your seat now?? I had no idea. I watched so many movies). It was very exciting.

I also saw VNV Nation live in February, for the third time in six years. This time I had enough budget to buy a tshirt. I wasn’t expecting that concert to be even better than the previous two. At that point the new album had only been out for a couple of months and we still knew the lyrics of most of the new songs and Ronan’s face was constantly broadcasting a kind of “...........how” expression (face it guys, we like you. A lot). And they finished with All Of Our Sins and let me tell you, half the club was ready to start a revolution by the time that was over. Super intense.

Ok. 2019 albums! First, let’s talk about some negative things. Coldplay released Everyday Life at the end of the year. It was... uh. It was basically how I stopped loving their new stuff. That’s a very sad conclusion (for now) to this saga. This is exactly what I feared would have happened after Viva La Vida, aka them trying to go back to their earlier sound - except in the meantime we’ve got three fantastic albums with songs full of energy and joy. So I’m not too mad about this, just disappointed.

Within Temptation released Resist, and it wasn’t very good either, but I appreciated the general aesthetic of it. More SF-themed albums in symphonic metal, please. NF released The Search and while I’m still not a fan there’s a song on it that would have been #1 on this list if it had been elligible, so that’s something. And Carly Rae Jepsen released Dedicated and it was super good so why isn’t she getting new hits. Why. It feels unfair. Oh, and Avantasia made Moonglow and that’s the first time I’ve cared about their stuff in like a decade or so. Ghost In The Moon is super good, check it out.

But the big event of the year music-wise, as far as I’m concerned, was the return of two bands I thought we had lost forever. Of course My Chemical Romance reformed, but they don’t have new music yet, so the main event for this post is the return of Tool with Fear Inoculum. It’s not even their best album, but having a pretty good new Tool album in the year of our lord 2019 wasn’t at all something I was counting on. Of course, the hardcore fans are still as insufferable as ever (insert the “you need a pretty high IQ” copypasta here), but it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of it. Come on! Their first album in 13 years! 80 minutes of hypnotic heavy rhythms and weird shit, an album that trolled me when I opened it by playing a music video while I was looking somewhere else (yeah I jumped), and they even managed to land a track for one week on the US hot 100! Again, Tool! On the hot 100! in 2019! Unbelievable. Are we starting to return to the good timeline? I certainly hope so.

Unelligible songs, now. The Search by NF would have topped this list super easily. Might be one of the songs I listened to the most in 2019, actually. Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen, again, should have been a hit, and I beg you to watch this music video if you’ve never seen it. The 1975 released the super unexpected People, which was still good, and also Frail State of Mind. And most unexpected of all, three artists I didn’t care about at all teamed up and made absolute gold: I Think I’m OKAY, by Machine Gun Kelly, YUNGBLUD and Travis Barker. That would have been the second slot on this list if it had been elligible. Or maybe the first, even? Not sure. I’m just so happy this kind of angry but uplifting music is starting to become popular again. I just love everything about this song.

Here’s a short list of honorable mentions!

Roi (Bilal Hassani) - I don’t like this song a lot, but I do like it, I’m glad it was our song for the ESC 2019, and Bilal is a very nice and endearing person, and everyone who disrespects him on twitter is free to come fight me in the pit, where I’m still waiting with that tambourine from my 1992 list.

Con Calma (Daddy Yankee, Katy Perry, Snow) - You already know I liked the original Informer a lot, so I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased to hear this clone of it on the radio.

Breathin’ (Ariana Grande) - Here’s the usual “if I had better taste this would be higher” honorable mention.

Summer Days (Martin Garrix) - In the absence of any new hit song from Macklemore this will do in a pinch.

Circles (Post Malone) - The fact that everyone seems to adore this and I’m over there saying “it’s ok I guess” probably means I will never love Post Malone nor understand the hype about him, and that’s okay, I can live with that.

High Hopes (Panic! At the Disco) - Still elligible. Still good but too borderline annoying to make the list.

How Do You Sleep (Sam Smith) - This year Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I’m LIVING FOR THIS. I certainly hope they continue in that direction.

And now, the list.

10 - La Grenade (Clara Luciani)

US: Not on the list / FR: #55

The only semi-filler on the list. I still like it a lot. Don’t have anything to say about it, though.

9 - Panini (Lil Nas X)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Wasn’t too impressed by this at first and it took a while to grow on me, but the chorus is a nice little earworm, and “hey panini, don’t you be a meanie” has a tendency to pop in my head when I read hateful comments on the internet now. And Lil Nas X is just too endearing to be ignored. We’re so lucky to have someone who became famous so quickly and instantly decided to dress like a Jojo character and have the geekiest music videos possible and still be super nice and humble. We don’t deserve this guy.

8 - Dance Monkey (Tones And I)

US: Not on the list / FR: #6

I’m super glad the US are finally getting on the hype train in 2020 because this is a ton of fun. If the voice was juuuuuust a little less grating this would be even higher. Impossible to get it out of your head and somehow in this case that’s a good thing.

7 - Dancing With a Stranger (Sam Smith & Normani)

US: #14 / FR: Not on the list

As I said in the honorable mentions, Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I couldn’t be happier about that. This song is still a bit too calm for my taste most of the time, but when I’m in the right mood, it’s just fantastic.

Again, I hope Sam Smith continues in that direction, because if you had told me a couple of years ago that I would start to like their stuff one day, I would have laughed out loud.

6 - Bad Guy (Billie Eilish)

US: #4 / FR: #16

Duh.

I’m not as enthusiastic about When The Party’s Over as a ton of people are, mostly because, well, it’s a slow emotional song with little to no colour in it and by now you’re already aware I tend to have next to zero interest in that kind of songs. Bad Guy, on the other hand, is half hilarious half scary in equal doses, and even if I’m not super fond of the weird outro, it’s still a fantastic, weird as shit song, and I’m really glad Billie Eilish exists. Can’t wait to see where she goes from there.

I’m super glad this song didn’t come out when I was a teenager myself though. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I would have survived if the musical landscape from 16 years ago had been as depressed as it currently is. Thank god music is slowly getting more energetic again in 2020. Let’s stay on that track.

5 - Hey Look Ma I Made It (Panic! At The Disco)

US: #61 / FR: Not on the list

I follow several music critics on youtube and over the course of 2019, I’ve seen undiluted vitriol and hatred against this song (Spectrum Pulse even made a list of his “worst hit songs” of the decade and put this one at #10! TEN!!). And... I don’t really get where it’s coming from? Maybe I’m too literal-minded to see what the problem is with a sarcastic song saying “look I sold out and now I found success again! And it’s not that great!”. I just think it’s a lot of fun. Thank god Todd put it on his best list, at least we can agree on one thing for once.

It is hilarious that after putting so many Fall Out Boy songs on my lists, the one that I love the most from Panic! is the sellout song. Not sure why this was huge while the even better Say Amen wasn’t, though.

4 - Sunflower (Swae Lee & Post Malone)

US: #2 / FR: Not on the list

I usually don’t get the “chill” songs that tend to be successful these days but this one, unlike most Post Malone songs (bar Circles), has lovely pastel colors and a cloudy texture and it’s a really good vibe. It took several months to grow on me but it sure did.

In about ten years, people will listen to Sunflower and be submerged by nostalgia, mark my words.

3 - Old Town Road (Lil Nas X)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (see, everyone agrees for once)

Everyone on the planet already wrote a thinkpiece about this song and yet I’ve only seen maybe one out of five mentioning, just in passing, that the entire song is based on a Nine Inch Nail track from Ghosts I-IV, superbly re-used to make a weird and insanely catchy country hip hop song out of it. Ghosts has been one of my go-to albums to listen to while I’m painting for about ten years now. I’m saying all this because hearing a track from Ghosts on the radio for months was absolute bliss for me, especially in a new and improved version.

Thank you Lil Nas X for everything you’ve been doing and I wish you a long and successful career. You deserve it. I love this and I love you.

2 - Bury A Friend (Billie Eilish)

US: #73 / FR: Not on the list

Hello again, Billie Eilish.

This song is absolutely terrifying and that was before I even saw the music video. This is the soundtrack of your nightmares right there. I’m not even sure it deserves to be so high on the list, but frankly I’m too terrified to care. Maybe Old Town Road should be higher. I don’t know.

Also you have to know that when I’m super tired I go into echolalia mode and automatically repeat words or entire sentences that my brain considers interesting, like “potiron” (pumpkin) or “dramatique” ; and recently, my brain decided “when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”, sung exactly like it’s sung in this song, was its new favorite sentence. So. Hearing yourself saying that to an empty room while you’re drawing or folding clothes or cleaning plates is not a very pleasant experience, and it makes this song extra scary to me.

And now, here’s the last #1 of the last one of these lists (for now), and I’m glad to announce it closes this series of posts in a super fitting way.

Check this out. It’s so perfect in every way.

1 - Walk Me Home (Pink)

US: #99 / FR: Not on the list

Nobody seemed to care about this song over the course of 2019, and it's barely elligible, and I still have no idea why. The music reviewers I follow only either talked about it super briefly when it came out, or not at all. The rare ones who were making top 100s at the end of the year instead of top 10s usually put it somewhere in the middle of their lists. And yet it’s the elligible song I’ve listened to the most.

If you’ve been reading this series of posts for a while now, you probably already know exactly why it’s here, but here’s a quick recap.

The second album I ever bought in my life was Pink’s Missundaztood in 2002, and I loved her music a lot:

I was still really fond of her stuff in 2007:

Then she started to become less interesting and I basically ignored her apart from a brief blip on my radar in 2017:

Meanwhile, in 2012, fun. made some of the best songs of the entire decade before vanishing instantly, and I’ve been mourning them ever since:

And in the middle of last year, here I am, listening to the radio, and suddenly I hear something that sounds exactly like a fun. song, except I’ve never heard it before and it’s sung by a female singer, and, most importantly, it’s 2019 and fun. broke up more than six years earlier. And I’m like, what’s going on. This is so good. What the hell. What is this.

And I hear it a second time weeks later, and I google it, and I discovered that 1) it was Pink singing this, which made it my favorite Pink song in literally more than ten years, and 2) it was, indeed, written by one of the guys from fun., among other people who’s influence is less obvious.

I guess the main lesson from 2019, between newcomers making great music based on dead trends, old groups reforming, and this song, is that nothing’s gone forever, and things you used to enjoy can come back at the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected form.

There’s always, always gonna be new music to love, and it’s just a question of time.

Quick note

And with this, these lists are over... for now.

I don’t regret making them even if they were a ton of work, because that was super useful for a lot of different reasons.

They helped me get a better understanding of my own life’s chronology. That may sound stupid but I tend to link events to the music I was listening to at the time, and putting all that music in chronological order helped a lot.

I rediscovered a ton of songs I had completely forgotten about, and a lot of new ones. My playlist is much richer now and I’m happy about that.

I also discovered a few artists I knew nothing about.

It forced me to analyse two depressive episodes in my life and just because everything was now in exact chronological order, it accidentally helped me pinpoint what caused both of them. Better and cheaper than therapy. Impressive.

It made me realise how important some bands and artists had been in my life, and I relistened to some of their catalogue while making these lists. For some it was really obvious (Indochine, Placebo, Mylène Farmer, My Chemical Romance among some others), and for some others (Moby, Linkin Park, Mika in particular), it was a real surprise.

It made me realise that Placebo might have been huge in France but weirdly enough not that huge in the UK nor in the US. It’s especially striking when you look at their wikipedia page in English then in French and realise how detailed the French one is compared to the English one. Can’t believe Sleeping With Ghosts was a n°1 album here and basically nowhere else. That was the band where that discrepency was the most obvious but it wasn’t the only one like that. Really puts stuff in perspective.

It also helped me realise how cyclical popular music is. 1) trends tend to die near the end of every decade and the worst year is usually somewhere between the 8th and the 9th year. 2008 and 2018 tend to confirm this. 2) For the same reason, some new & interesting stuff appears at the beginning of every decade, and reaches its high point of quality between the 2nd and 4th year of the decade. 3) Basically I’m saying we’ve now passed the lowest musical quality in recent memory and 2022-2023 will have some exceptional music.

See you in December 2020. I have no doubt there’s a ton of great music coming up in the near future.

[dailyaudiobible]

07/29/2020 DAB Transcript

2 Chronicles 24:1-25:28, Romans 12:1-21, Psalms 22:19-31, Proverbs 20:8-10

Today is the 29th day of July welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian and it is great to be here with you in the waning days of the month of July as we continue our journey and cross through the center of the week together. It is a joy and it is an honor to be just be in your presence and let God's word be in all of our presence and His Holy Spirit to hover among us. So, let's dive in. We’re reading from the New Living Translation this week. Today, second Chronicles chapters 24 and 25.

Commentary:

Okay. So, we’ve been working our way through the book of Romans and I would say we are probably two thirds of the way through now and this is the longest of Paul's letters. And, so, we began, and…and listened as he kind of laid out his arguments and then we were able to kinda move into the implications, which are stunning and give us an understanding of why the good news is good news. But now we’re kind of turning into this…this portion where it's like, “okay. So, now I understand what you're saying, and I understand the implications of what you're saying. But how do I live into this? How do I aim my life? How…how should I shape things?” And Paul is unpacking that by saying, “first and foremost understand that you died, and then you were raised up again, a new creation in Christ. And, so, you’re not your own anymore. Now you live as Christ. And you are to be a living sacrifice available to Christ.” And we've kind of heard this “living sacrifice” language may...maybe often and we’re like, “okay. Give my body as a living sacrifice”, and then…then we’re kind of…equate that to things that we should refrain from”, right? Like…lust…lust things, and…and stuff like that when, although that is part of what's being said here, it's far more comprehensive than that. We’re to live available to Christ to live through us physically in this world, to be available to His will and His ways and His works in this world by using our bodies to get things done. And according to the apostle Paul, this is how we live into God's good and pleasing and perfect will for our lives, that living this way is…is…is actually true worship to God. And, so, even like intellectually if we understand what's being said here, it's like how do you know, like how will we know that if we’re doing that correctly? And it's funny because we’re people that…just like we want to know when so much of faith is faith. Like we’re reaching and believing in things that we cannot tangibly put all our minds or our hands on, but we know they are true by faith. But Paul did offer some words, like some characteristics, some things that we should have to be able to examine ourselves in our reading today. And if we look at those then we do have a gauge of whether we are living into this life of a new creature. So, Paul says, “don't think you are better than you really are. Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection. Take delight in honoring each other. Don't be lazy. Work hard. Serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble. Keep on praying. When God's people are in need be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them, bless them. Pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy. Weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company people you think are below you, ordinary people. Don't think you know it all. Never pay back evil with additional evil. Do things in such a way that everybody can see that you're doing it honorably. Do all that you can to live in peace with everybody and don't take revenge. Leave that to God. And, if you’re enemies are hungry, then feed them. And if they’re thirsty then give them something to drink.” This is what Paul suggests is what it's like to live your life as a living sacrifice to God, Holy and acceptable. This is the essence of what a godly life looks like. This is how we are supposed to be in this world. So, I mean just like reading back what we read in the 12th chapter of Romans day as a list, like we just did we could go like, “okay. You know, some of those, like I am living into. Some of those I am not living into. And I see that I've got some work to do. But let’s just imagine for a second that that we found a place in our heart…like we fully surrendered completely to the point that this…this was sort of normal. This was the normal. Like this isn't something that we’re aiming toward. This is this normal. Because that’s what Paul is describing here. This is what your normal life as a new creation as a living sacrifice is supposed to look like. This is supposed to be totally normal. So, let’s just imagine that all of the ways that we react to things and all of the way that we initiate things and all of our thoughts and words and deeds align with this, imagine the freedom of that. And now imagine that the entire body of Christ in the world is all living into that. Imagine the shift in the entire atmosphere of the world. Like, imagine the change that would happen if we lived into this. This is the good news. This is how things are supposed to be. So, when we flip on the news or we just look around us and we see the brokenness of the world and we get frustrated and we become overwhelmed and full of anxiety and hopeless, the one thing that we could do is come back here and go, “am I even living into this? Like, do I have anything to comment on? Am I living as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God living into that freedom myself or am I just broken and looking around at all the other brokenness and obsessing about what is broken instead of reinforcing what is whole?” Yeah, some things to think about today for sure.

Prayer:

Father, as we do contemplate this, we invite Your Holy Spirit to continually bring it to mind today as we just observe ourselves as we watch the way that we are in the world. Are we a living sacrifice totally available to You and living into wholeness or do we keep waiting for You to do some kind of magic wand over the world and just change us? You have invited us to participate in collaboration with You in our own restoration, in our own healing, in our own sanctification. And certainly, we…we will not achieve it. We certainly cannot get there on our own and demand that You see us as righteousness…as righteous, because we…we are. That is a gift. We can't achieve these things on our own. But we aren't on our own. And the person that we were, who was on their own is dead. You have…You've made us new creatures. And, so, this is possible. This is what godliness looks like. And, so, help us to, first of all simply understand that and second…second of all, with all of our hearts aimed in that direction. And truly aiming in that direction is to truly surrender to You. And, so, come Holy Spirit into this. Well up from within and lead us into all truth we ask. In Jesu’s name. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it's the website, it's where you find out what’s happening. And, so, there's something happening.

We have a new product in the Daily Audio Bible Shop today as we watch this…this phenomenon that takes shape is…especially this year…the double DABber. those who are listening to Daily Audio Bible and Daily Audio Bible Chronological with China, my daughter, who is indeed a gift, and is indeed a wise…a wise young lady and…and has informed her life with the Scriptures. I mean, every day…every day of her childhood she read the Bible. And, so, she knows the Bible way better than…like I grew up as a pastor’s kid, but she knows the Bible way better…way better at her age than I could have dreamed of. And I'm proud of her. But anyway, so double DABber this year have really, really…thinking there’s a ton of double DABbers listening to Chronological and Daily Audio Bible. And, so, she and I were talking a couple months ago thinking, “we should make double Dabber shirts. And, so, she kind of spearheaded that, got some designs, and picked some stuff, and we got em’ made and they are available today. So, all you double Dabbers, we have double DABber shirts in the Daily Audio Bible Shop in the Lifestyle section. You'll find them there. I think I don't think they're gonna to last long, but they are there now. And we’re just so excited. So, excited that there is a hunger…a hunger for the Scriptures and a hunger to apply those scriptures to our lives and let them do what they do. Like, they shift things inside, they change the way we look at things, they change our attitudes, they change our convictions, they reorient us to God. And, so, yeah, that's the mission of our lives. And, so, anything…anything that can move the needle on that is…is what we're here for. So, it's exciting…it’s super exciting to have our double DABber shirts in the Daily Audio Bible Shop. So, check them out in the Lifestyle section. You can get to the Daily Audio Bible Shop at dailyaudiobible.com. Just click n Shop or, if you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app you can just click the little drawer icon that’s in the upper left-hand corner and that will open a Drawer and then you can find the Shop from there, but that's where they are.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible as we journey our way through the summer months, then thank you. Thank you for your partnership profoundly and with all humility. Ah…we wouldn't…none of this would be here if we weren’t in community, if we weren't in this together, taking this journey together. And, so, thank you for your partnership. There’s a link on the homepage. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner. The Drawer icons in the left-hand corner and the Give button is in the right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is kind of in the middle of the top, the little red button and you can share from there or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

[tanadrin]

Map Editors I Have Known And Loved

Much as my favorite part of any RPG is the character creation screen, my favorite part of any RTS (and many other genres of video game) is the map editor, where it’s included. This is a brief review of different map editing experiences for different games based on the time I’ve spent with them.

Warcraft 2

One of the first, wayyy back in the dark days of the mid-90s. Good for little besides making melee maps, really, due to the absence of a trigger system (as I recall).I was too young to really be able to experiment with its mechanics, and mostly used it as a glorified version of a Paint program, because I liked Wc2′s distinctive art style.

Age of Empires 2

AoE2 is/was a freaking terrific game, but (and probably because the campaigns the game shipped with didn’t need more than it provided) the trigger system of its in-game editor is not super sophisticated. Third-party editors and utilities supplement the default modding tools, and modding AoE2 is easier than ever with the HD edition, but if you want to do something super elaborate you’re going to need to do a lot of quirky tricks and editing of database values. I still love the AoE2 map editor, because I love building huge elaborate isometric recreations of medieval European cities, and then wrecking them with a giant army of Elite Mangudai and trebuchets.

Deus Ex: GOTY Edition

An FPS, but it came with a variation on the Unreal engine level editor that was, despite requiring a fair bit of knowledge about the engine to make it really useful, was still great for a kind of conceptual Lego, building beautiful austere environments with careful lighting you could walk around in (and shoot up with a GEP gun). Again, I was a little too young and a little too impatient to master the subtler aspects of DX level design, like triggers and scripting and whatnot, and the tools provided, though powerful, didn’t hold your hand at all. Still, full marks for making the inner workings of the game robustly exposed to modders.

Starcraft

The original Starcraft and the BW expansion have a lot to recommend them: a great kind of redneck-punk scifi aesthetic, some seriously fun campaigns, and some seriously fun multiplayer (the panic instilled by “nuclear launch detected,” etc.); the map editor was great because it had pretty decent unit editing capabilities, and an extremely good trigger system--plus you could make your own voiced mission briefings, string missions together as campaigns, etc., etc. A lot of what you couldn’t do was supplemented by third-party editors, and playing around with SC’s trigger system trying to get all kinds of weird things to work laid a lot of the cognitive groundwork for learning how to think and clarify ideas when I started learning actual programming languages like Python. Rates very highly on both the “purity of form” and “purity of spirit” scales, but it’s nothing compared to

Warcraft 3

Hoooooooo boy

I have a sentimental attachment to wc3 map editing like nothing else. There were whole summers I spent playing custom games on battle.net, and probably thousands of ideas I played around with in the editor itself, but never quite finished, because let me tell you, this bad boy is as far as I’m concerned the gold standard for map editors. It was released in a somewhat limited form with RoC, but around the time TFT came out, they updated the editor to a much more full-featured version, and they eventually also released all the plugins necessary to make Wc3 models with third-party programs. Combined with the idiosyncratic-but-actually-kinda-useful form of custom game searching, the result was, as anyone with a passing familiarity with the wc3 modding scene probably knows, one of the greatest flowerings of modding creativity in video game history. Out of this crucible of innovation came among other things a deep vein of tower defense maps, elaborations on the Aeon of Strife custom games from SC, and out of those, eventually, the DotA maps--leading to DotA Allstars and thence DotA 2.

The Wc3 editor lets you fuck with literally every conceivable value in the game, comes with an exceedingly powerful trigger system, lets you make custom units and abilities and buildings, and where it can’t do what you want it to, also just lets you script shit directly. I love it so much. It is my happy place; the little “doot doo do do doot DOO” that sounds when you start it up gives me a jolt of delight every time, years later.

Homeworld 2/Homeworld Remastered

Honorable mention to the most fun I have ever had in a melee RTS with my pants on. The maps here are exceedingly simple: you edit them with a text editor. But true 3d space battles--true 3d gorgeous space battles with a 70s sci fi aesthetic--are impossible to underrate in my book, and it helps that the Homeworld series has genuinely delightful gameplay mechanics. It also has a pretty good modding scene, with the inevitable Star Trek and Star Wars and BSG mods, because while the game isn’t super easy to mod, and has nothing in the way of built-in modding tools, it isn’t actively hostile to modding the guts of it like some games I could mention (cough cough Paradox cough). Confession: I’ve never tried to mod HW2. I have played a shit ton of it, though, and I live in the vain hope that one day someone will be like, “You know what? Not only is it time to bring RTSes back, 3d space battles are actually the fuckin’ best,” and make another game like it.

Starcraft 2

I haven’t played around as much with the Sc2 editor, because while I played a lot of Sc2 melee during WoL and HotS days, the actual experience of finding custom games with SC2 blows. Rather than Wc3′s “here’s all the custom games currently going, knock yourself out bub” thing, with Sc2 they tried to start a curated game list thing and added rating games and all this other wacky stuff that means it’s actually kinda impossible to find things 1) that you like and 2) that people are actually playing. I haven’t touched Sc2 in years, though; maybe it’s gotten better? I doubt it. The editor itself is, based on my limited experience, just the natural iteration of the Wc3 editor: a little more robust, possibly a little more confusing at first as a result, but it’s got that same classic Blizzard polish that makes their modding tools such a joy to use. But between the fact that the scifi aesthetic doesn’t appeal to me as much when it comes to making custom games, and the sucky game finding interface, I think I’m mostly holding out for WC3: Reforged to scratch that RTS modding itch.

DotA 2

Valve did the community a huge solid and released its developer tools to let people mod its hat collecting/racial and homophobic slurs archiving engine, DotA 2, but the custom game search features suffer from the same problem that plagues SC2, only even worse. Just give me a fucking server browser!!!! FPSes had this solved in like 1994!!!

It doesn’t help that DotA is built in what is fundamentally, like, an FPS engine (ok, probably that’s not an accurate characterization, but it is the engine they devised for like Half-Life 2 and TF2), which means that the developer tools feel clunky and counterintuitive and wayyy too complicated if you’re thinking of them as RTS modding tools. Plus, since not everybody has the time and the professional pride Blizzard used to have to create powerful, polished, standalone modding tools, they’re not gonna hold your hand at all. And the fact that MOBAs/ARTSes have mostly colonized the space classic RTSes used to fill means that what you really have is, like, 5% of the assets you’d need to actually make an RTS mod for the DotA engine. It would probably be easier to make an FPS in the DotA engine than a true, Warcraft-style RTS. (Someone did once make an FPS in the Warcraft 3 engine. It was... actually kind of fun? But seriously goofy.)

If I were a smarter and more hardworking person, I could probably build an RTS-like thing in DotA’s modding tools, but I am not. Plus, there are elements of DotA level design that suffer from the same problems as

Later iterations of the Unreal engine

One thing I loved about the classic UT engine, which the original Deus Ex used, is that (though it was prone to frustrating geometry bugs) it let you tinker around with architecture directly in the space it provided. I played with the level editors of some later UT games (principally UT3, I think?), and with the push toward fancier graphics of later generations, there was also a push toward use of a lot more doodads and 3d assets in levels to provide what I would think of as basic architectural details. I’m sure there are solid graphical and programmatic reasons for this. I’m a dilettante at best at this sort of thing, and I can’t speak to those. But the downside of that was that unless you have some 3d modeling chops, and a measure of planning and patience, the sandboxy/creative appeal of dicking around in the level editor was much reduced. That’s not a criticism of the tools provided so much as it is a neutral observation and, perhaps, me mourning a little bit the fact that older, simpler games, by virtue of their simplicity, are often more amenable to modding. One thing we lose in an era of ever-more-elaborate triple-A titles is a fundamental transparency in how games are constructed; they become super complex, teetering programmatical edifices, and while that often allows for interesting new developments in gameplay (and shiny graphics!), for the person who wants to learn How Games Work by taking them apart and poking around, well, it’s harder. That’s one reason why I’ve never gotten into Skyrim modding, even though it looks awesome and super powerful.

(the U4 engine “map editor” equivalent is a suite of game dev tools, and sold as such, but I’m not really talking about standalone game dev tools that are meant to allow you to build a game from the ground up in this post, so that’s beyond the scope of what I’m interested in. Obviously the more general and powerful a modding tool is, the more it shades directly into that; and there’s something of an artificial distinction between a “total conversion mod” and “a new videogame,” like that between a musical and an opera, that mostly has to do with spirit and intent and marketing.)

EU4, CK2

I am including these because I love modding these games, even though the “modding tools” for them are Notepad++ and GIMP. It’s nothing but images and weirdly formatted text files (and little documentation), and it’s terrible and frustrating! But I love it! My big complaint is actually the lack of ability to alter fundamental game mechanics: everything you can change about the game easily is the accidence of it: its appearance, the map, what countries and characters you can control. The underlying mechanics--the spirit of the game--is frustratingly immutable, except via very clunky workarounds, and while I understand why you might not go out of your way to make these things easily manipulable (it’s a lot of extra work to uncertain benefit), and why Paradox games rely on an event-driven system that is both like and much unlike RTS trigger systems, it is a little disappointing. But EU4 and CK2 drive very different parts of my imagination (geography and politics and economics) than, say, Wc3 (strategy and fighting and tactical finesse), in the same way that Deus Ex drove yet another part (the architectural, the spatial, the atmospheric). One day, maybe, someone will invent a game that somehow captures everything I love about each, a kind of  transcendental game of everything, with modding tools to match, but I doubt it, and I’m OK with it even if that never happens.

Honorable mention: the Civ series

4x games are moooostly outside my scope of interest here, but I do remember Civ2 having a terrific editor with lots of opportunities for modding buildings and techs, and the great thing was that units and cities and terrain were all just very simple images that you could edit with an in-game tool. SMAC/AX was also pretty moddable, had a built in scenario editor/cheat menu, and Civ 3/4/5 have fun map editing and scenario building tools. Turn based games appeal to me a little less inherently, because they lack the thing I love about RTSes, the “oh shit PANIC” moments where you reflexes and quick thinking become super important, but the Civ series does have great strategic and econ management elements.

Other games

There are whole genres of games--Sim City, Dwarf Fortress, Minecraft, the building aspect of 4X games--that capture in small or large part what I love about map editors, with the same build-create-tweak-adjust cycle, though obviously on a distinct footing since they’re making them an actual game rather than a tool with which to create games. It scratches a similar itch, though: it’s all about combining aesthetic design with design of systems. I have a radical thesis which is that every game is improved with the inclusion of a map editor. The existence of a representational, navigable space is intrinsic to almost every genre of game (every game I can think of, though I don’t exclude the possibility that there are ones I haven’t thought of that don’t have that), and being able to use the same underlying rules--or to iterate on those rules--and apply them to a new space, especially a new space you can design for optimum fun rather than just relying on procedurally generated (inevitably samey) space, extends the life of games considerably.

My earliest and biggest interest is in RTSes with map editors, though, because I have a fervent, unquenchable love for the genre. Alas, as noted, it’s a genre that has never been super popular and is currently pretty marginal. THe challenges of making a good RTS engine--nevermind a fun-to-play RTS--are considerable, especially if you care about things like multiplayer (which is my favorite part of RTSes). A lot of entries in that genre now are in some sense hybrid. MOBAs, of course; but games like EU4 have RTSlike elements (and, being pausable, are in some ways the best of both worlds with regard to RTSes and turn-based games). I live in hope that the RTS genre will experience a minor renaissance one of these days, and we’ll get something worthy of being the successor to WC3 or AoE2. If you’re working on that--please, please, I’m begging you, release it with a map editor.

[meetmeatthecoda]

Surprise!

@scifi-gk, I’m your Secret Santa! :D I know you’ve been going through some tough times recently but I hope you can still have a wonderful holiday and maybe this present will help with that a little! :) Much love to you and yours! <3

Just a quick word (lol as if) about your fic before I post it below: I took your prompt to heart, specifically the bit about the “shift that needs to take place within their dynamic”, and things got a little out of hand... I ended up writing just over 10k 0.0 To make that shift happen, I ended up writing a lot of mythology which is something super new to me but I know you have an affinity for! That being said, I did absolutely zero research and just kind of drew my own conclusions for shit so if I made any blatant canonical errors, I’m very sorry, just consider it an AU :’D So yeah, in addition to the mythology, there’s just a metric shit-ton of angst and drama and feelings which I felt were pretty necessary to get that shift down and then the last segment was the hardest part but also the scene I had specifically in mind when you said you wanted a believable first kiss ;) So yes, if you can wade through all the freaking drama, there is kissing at the end! :D Anyway, this fic was something new for me and I’m pretty unsure about it but, regardless of my feelings, I REALLY REALLY hope you like it and it’s an enjoyable present for you! :D Happy Holidays, my friend! :) Much, much love! <3

Everything has gone to hell.

It started with a phone call from Jennifer and her hushed words over the bad connection, “It’s time, Liz,” sending shivers down Liz’s spine. But she set a meeting with Red at his safehouse before she really knew what she was doing and texted Jennifer the address, sending the message with something like dread reverberating within her. She drove through the cold winter air, running a red light or two in her frazzled state, watching a few small snowflakes fall halfheartedly, melting as soon as they touched the pavement.

Not sticking.

And now, they’re here, waiting for Jennifer to arrive, and Liz’s gun is pointed at Red and he’s on his knees in front of her.

And the worst part is that it’s not the first time.

He’s looked very calm since she burst into the room with her gun drawn, maybe a little surprised and definitely curious, but calm. She tries to access that too-familiar well of anger she has stored up for him, that well that should be overflowing at the sight of his nonchalance, but it keeps eluding her. All she really feels is cold.

Numb.

When he saw her gun drawn, his eyes tightened a little, but he nodded solemnly and set down the book he was reading before she burst in, rising from his armchair.

“What have you found out, Lizzie?” he asked calmly, a mere query, as if he were asking her about the weather.

Liz didn’t bother questioning his assumption. He was right, of course. Why would she be on the rampage with a firearm if she hadn’t discovered something incriminating?

“You’re an imposter,” she blurts now, letting go of the ugly truth she’s been holding like a dark secret inside her for weeks, no pomp and circumstance, just lets it out. “You’re not the real Raymond Reddington. You’re not my father, or Jennifer’s. You’re a…pretender,” she hisses the last word, finally finding a little anger and betrayal from somewhere to throw at him.

(He’s hurt her so badly. It’s like Tom all over again.)

“Yes,” he says simply, as if he’s not rocking her entire world by admitting it. She had accepted it as the truth from the minute she looked at the DNA results, but she can feel now that there was a little nugget of desperation inside her that hoped he would deny it and explain everything.

(That would be a first.)

“Would you be amenable to hearing me out? I can explain things to you, once and for all, since you’ve discovered it on your own. And perhaps you could lower your gun?”

She blinks, taken aback by his reasonable suggestions, and she finds herself wanting to comply, wanting to trust, as she’s done many times before. Her gun wavers and lowers an inch or two.

Trust…

(The memory of Tom punching her in the face flashes before her eyes.)

Liz jerks her gun back up, trying to ignore the trembling in her hands. “No,” she spits. “No, I can’t do that.”

“All right,” Red says easily. And Liz watches as he slowly and carefully lowers himself to the floor, bending his knees until they touch the wood, holding Liz’s gaze the entire time.

Something aches inside her.

She should love this. She should revel in the victory of having the imposter prone before her. She should feel joy.

(But she really just hates this.)

“Are you sure you won’t listen? Just five minutes, Lizzie, that’s all it will take,” he tells her quietly.

That’s it, she wonders, that’s all it will take to explain her whole existence? Is she really that trivial?

(Yes.)

“No,” she repeats forcefully, telling herself as much as she’s telling him. “We have to wait for Jennifer to get here.”

“Jennifer?” his voice is sharp now, a cold tone of surprise, and she sees the skin below his eye twitch before he smothers it.

Ah.

Liz knows that he’s worried now, wary. He doesn’t know Jennifer, not like he knows Liz, he can’t predict what she’ll do, doesn’t know how to sway her.

Liz feels a frisson of fear go through her at the realization. Jennifer is angry. Jennifer is vengeful. Jennifer is unpredictable.

Oh.

But Liz doesn’t have time to ponder the implications of this before the door is bursting open once again and she whirls around to see her half-sister, eyes wild, holding a gun of her own, now trained on Red.

Oh.

(What has she done?)

“Jenn—” Liz starts to speak but Jennifer takes no notice, her eyes glinting with a dirty kind of pleasure at seeing Red there on the floor.

“On his knees already. Well done, Liz,” she smirks, a nasty thing that contorts her pretty face, darkens her eyes.

(Liz is reminded forcefully of Tom, no familiar glasses, all unobstructed cold eyes.)

“I –” Liz starts again but she doesn’t make any more progress.

“Well,” demands Jennifer loudly, speaking to Reddington now. “Liz and I have discovered you. And we want to know the truth, all of it. And then we’re gonna kill you,” she spits the last part and the vulgar words having Liz choking, afraid.

They never talked about this part. Sure, it was implied – mostly by Jennifer – that harm would come to Reddington once they gathered as much evidence as they could and confronted him. But Liz hadn’t thought about it. Perhaps she hadn’t allowed herself. Her primal need for the truth had driven her to this point but it prevented her from looking beyond.

Does she really want to kill Red?

She breaks her frozen gaze from Jennifer and turns back to him, now looking much tenser, his face and eyes tight, gaze cold, and back rigid.

(He looks scared.)

No. No, she doesn’t.

“Talk!”

Jennifer barks it, loud and unexpected, scaring them all. Liz jumps, her hands shaking around her gun, and she sees Red’s hand instinctively twitch towards the small of his back, reaching for the holster Liz knows usually rests there, the one she now sees on the table across the room.

He is unarmed.

And of course he is, he was expecting her after all, Lizzie, not an ambush from both of his angry pseudo daughters.

(No. No, no, no.)

Liz remembers that he made no such defensive move when she burst into the room, angry and scared. He didn’t try to defend himself. He saw no need because he trusts her. Seeing him glaring at Jennifer now, the difference is stark. He feels no affection for her, this girl, this comparative child. Liz feels her heart pound.

(Red trusts her, loves her. The look in his eyes is proof enough. And she’s betrayed him. Again.)

She has to do something.

Liz tries to think, desperately trying to come up with a way to distract Jennifer, just long enough to talk some sense into her, maybe she can –

“Fine.”

Red’s voice immediately distracts her. He’s going to talk. Explain. Tell them everything.

Finally.

And without further ado, he begins.

“Your father, Raymond Reddington, was involved in covert ops for the United States government. He had a wife, Carla, and a daughter, you, Jennifer, before he was asked to go undercover to Russia to gather intel from a double-crossing Russian agent, his CI. Your mother, Lizzie, Katarina.”

Liz feels a shock, warm and sudden, as Red meets her eyes.

“Little did he know,” Red continues, “she was already entangled with the Cabal. But as Raymond Reddington became more involved with the situation in Russia, things became more dangerous for his family in the U.S. and Carla entered the witness protection program with you, Jennifer. As things progressed, R—”

“Wait,” interrupts Jennifer. “Did mom talk with you, I mean, the real Reddington, my dad, before she went into witness protection? I was so young, I don’t…” she trails off, her brow furrowed.

“No,” answers Red calmly. “Carla suspected an affair between Reddington and someone he was working with in Russia and was resentful of all the pain he had put their family through, as well as leaving her alone to care for you, as young as you were at the time. Carla up and left and, as far as Reddington was concerned, you two had all but disappeared.”

“That’s why you didn’t know where they were,” whispers Liz, the pieces fitting together slowly. “Reddington didn’t know, so you didn’t know.”

Red nods once.

“But why did you want to find them if they weren’t your actual –”

“I was curious,” states Red dispassionately. Liz can feel Jennifer stiffen beside her. “And the real Raymond Reddington would have stopped at nothing to find them both. I had to stay in character.”

“But,” splutters Jennifer, and Liz glances over to see tears are leaking from her eyes. “I – So – Dad didn’t abandon us? Mom always made him out to be the bad guy!”

Red looks at her evenly. “That depends on what you consider abandonment. Carla certainly felt abandoned. Reddington dedicated more time to his mission than his family. Not to mention he had an affair with Katarina, hence Elizabeth.” Liz watches Jennifer’s lip tremble as she listens. “But who’s to say that he didn’t come to his senses when they disappeared. He may have regretted his thoughtlessness. I don’t know.”

“How can you not know?” shouts Jennifer suddenly, tears falling outright now. Liz feels a surge of adrenaline as Jennifer whips an arm back to wipe carelessly at her eyes, barely missing the trigger of her gun. Too close. “I have to know – how did – didn’t he care?”

She’s shouting now, furious and frustrated, and Liz feels a pang of sympathy. Jennifer has had much longer to stew in the mysteries of her past than Liz has. And, as Liz knows from experience, the not knowing is the worst part. Now she has the opportunity, Liz doesn’t blame Jennifer for pushing to know more.

(They must get their tenaciousness from their father.)

“Jennifer,” Liz says softly, trying to placate, but Jennifer jumps anyway, whirling towards her, gun and all, and Liz sees Red lurch forward on his knees, the first time he’s moved since Jennifer entered the room, with his hand outstretched as if to stop her. The unexpected motion has Jennifer turning back to train her gun on Red, conflicted and scared, and now it’s Liz’s turn to panic.

“Jennifer,” she says sharply. “You know that’s all he can tell you. You have to let it go now.”

“What,” she spits. “Are you on his side now?”

Liz’s heart stumbles.

“No,” she says, her voice trembling, the untruth burning her face. “But you’ve heard what you wanted to hear and I’m still waiting. You said we’d do this together. It’s my turn now.”

She sees Jennifer grit her teeth, annoyed but hearing the truth in her words.

“Fine.”

Liz wastes no time, turning back to Red immediately and finding him already staring at her with a curious expression. “Keep going,” she says urgently, desperately, and he nods after a brief moment.

“With Carla and Jennifer effectively removed from the situation, Reddington threw himself into his mission with Katarina and, as I said, things developed between them. They began an affair and she became pregnant with you, Lizzie. However, her husband, Constantin, was a loyal Russian agent, a dangerous one, and was unaware that Katarina was seeking asylum in the United States. Her desire to immigrate became even more urgent when you were born, Lizzie, and Katarina had to pretend you were Constantin’s daughter.”

“That’s why he came looking for me as a genetic match, he thought I was his,” Liz inserts the information she already had into the intricate tale Red is weaving, her eyes drifting as her mind moves a mile a minute. “But you persuaded him that I wasn’t…” Then she gasps, and her eyes fly back to Red. “You told him the truth, didn’t you? That I am Raymond Reddington’s daughter as he once suspected but his revenge was lost on you, since you aren’t…” she trails off, still having trouble disassociating Raymond Reddington from…well, Raymond Reddington.

“Yes,” Red affirms. “And I made sure he was eliminated afterwards. No one that I don’t implicitly trust can be told the truth and survive. It’s necessary to maintain the illusion.”

“What else?” Liz breathes, drunk on all the knowledge he’s giving her, more than he ever has before, afraid that he’ll stop and close off, return to the unreadable enigma he’s always been.

“The Cabal would only grant Katarina asylum if she brought them compromising information on Russia, which she finally managed to do when you were about four, Lizzie. She obtained the Fulcrum and fled Russia with you in one night, leaving Constantin, who had since begun to suspect Katarina and become dangerous to you both. Raymond Reddington escorted her to the house where everything changed…for all of us.”

“The house that caught fire,” Liz whispers, fully ensconced in his story, her story.

Their story.

“Wait,” Jennifer interrupts again, and Liz can tell she’s still interested, despite herself. “You keep saying ‘Raymond Reddington’ as if he’s another person and that’s because you’re referring to our actual father. But you haven’t mentioned yourself yet, so where do you come in? And how do you know all these things if you weren’t there yourself?”

“I was briefed on all of these events after the fact by reliable sources, after I assumed Raymond Reddington’s identity.”

Liz feels another shock go through her. This is the first time he’s said it outright like that. Blatant. Honest.

“You can trust my telling, it’s all true. And, to answer your other question, I’m about to enter the story. I was an up and coming naval intelligence officer while Raymond Reddington was in Russia. I was a hard worker and loved my job and, as a result, I rose to the top of my branch fairly quickly. Because of this, I was approached by the Cabal, masquerading at the time as a special branch of the military that needed my services. I considered it an honor to be asked to serve. I thought I was doing something worthy to serve my country. Little did I know the rampant politics and collusion that I was walking headfirst into.”

Liz can hear the bitterness in his tone, the regret and anger at the government he was once loyal to. She can easily imagine a younger Red – except he wasn’t Red then, no, he was someone else entirely, and god, her head hurts – as intelligent and driven as he is now, just more starry-eyed and hopeful, eager to please, only to have his whole life turned upside down by an evil organization intent only on serving their own interests. Liz absurdly feels her throat tighten at the thought.

“I was recruited and thrown into the situation in which Reddington and Katarina now found themselves. The Cabal –”

“Wait,” this time it’s Liz that is interrupting him, her tone slightly guilty but desperate. “Didn’t you have your own family? In your file, it says you abandoned your wife and daughter on Christmas Eve but…” Liz trails off, confused, and watches his eyes darken and pain take over his countenance. She suddenly regrets asking.

“Yes, I did,” he murmurs. “The Christmas Eve story in Reddington’s file is true. That was what happened to my own family, my wife and daughter, when I discovered what the Cabal truly was and attempted to reveal them. I disregarded their threats and…they killed my family. After I assumed Raymond’s Reddington’s identity, I changed the identities of my deceased wife and daughter to those of Carla and Jennifer to help protect them. That’s how I met Mr. Kaplan, actually.”

“Why?” demands Jennifer, chiming in now as the story returns to her personal history.

Red turns to look at her. “Witness protection is not infallible, Jennifer. Reddington had, and as a result I have, very powerful enemies. If they all believed you’d been killed, that was another layer of protection for you.”

“But why?” Liz asks in a much different tone, her eyes feeling wet. “Why would you make it look like your family never existed? Didn’t you –”

“They were both very loving and generous people, Lizzie,” he interrupts quietly, his eyes looking suspiciously wet now too. “I think they would both be happy to know that their deaths weren’t completely pointless. That they helped someone else somehow.”

A single tear escapes his long eyelashes and falls to the floor.

(And Liz feels the insane urge to lay down and cry at his feet, this man who sacrificed everything he held dear for people he didn’t even know.)

Red clears his throat roughly. “But by the time Katarina and Reddington made it safely to the United States, the Cabal assumed Reddington was more loyal to her and her daughter than the Cabal and sent me in to kill them both and obtain the fulcrum. I far as I was concerned, my family was gone, and I had nothing left to live for. I was weak and followed their orders blindly.  However, the Cabal was wary of any changing loyalties and sent a team with me. When we arrived, I ordered them to hold position outside while I snuck in the house undetected, hoping to catch Reddington and Katarina unawares. I arrived just in time to hear them fighting over what to do about the Fulcrum.”

Red looks directly at her now, intensely. “They were very much in love, Lizzie, from what I understand. They were just having a disagreement over how best to handle the situation and, ultimately, protect you. You were there though and only about four years old and you didn’t know Reddington was your father. You only knew Constantin at the Summer Palace, that’s why you had such strong memories of the place. You didn’t know Reddington was your father, Lizzie, and he was fighting with your mother. You just wanted to help.”

His expression is earnest now and she can tell how much he doesn’t want to hurt her by telling her the truth. She feels tears rolling down her cheeks now as she nods at him. “How did it happen?”

Red swallows, closing his eyes for a moment before continuing in a hushed tone. “There was a gun, I’m not sure whose it was, probably Reddington’s, one he had carelessly abandoned. You had lived among spies and traitors long enough in your short life to know what a gun did. I watched from the shadows as you took the gun and pointed it, too quickly for me to stop you, there wasn’t any time, I couldn’t get to you in time –”

He seems desperate for her to understand this, and she can see the guilt weighing on him, her Atlas, trying to hold up the world for her, because he feels he owes her for what happened.

(She’s seeing him more clearly than ever.)

“It’s okay,” she’s whispering, shaking her head. “Keeping going, it’s okay.” And she can feel Jennifer looking at her oddly, but she ignores her because their story isn’t over.

It’s just beginning.

“You shot him,” Red gasps, a little exhale that has her hurting inside, even though she already knew what happened that night. She’s feels like she’s reliving it with him. “He died instantly, you must have hit a vital organ, and Katarina screamed. The gunshot tipped off the team waiting outside and they…they set fire to the house. They must have had other orders from the Cabal. Thinking their job done, they left. You ran off, frightened, and hid somewhere. I went outside and tried to put the fire out from there, but it caught too quickly. Knowing you and your mother were still inside, I went back in. Even though it was my directive to kill her, I couldn’t leave her to burn. Somehow that was…worse. I could hear her still there crying over your father’s body, but by the time I had returned, the flames had blocked off the room and I couldn’t get to her. I made the choice to leave her and search for you. I assumed she died in the fire until I later found out she survived the fire and, thinking you dead, walked into the ocean at Cape May. I don’t think she ever knew you survived. I tried to save her Lizzie, but I couldn’t find a way to get to her. She couldn’t hear me over the flames.”

A curious look glazes over Red’s eyes. “Fire is as loud as it is hot. I had no idea…I didn’t think that it…” he trails off, lost somewhere in the past until Jennifer shifts impatiently on her feet and he seems to snap out of it.

“The fire was bad by this point, everywhere, bringing the house down in places,” he continues haltingly, and Liz can tell immediately that he’s editing something out. Her throat is too clogged with tears to stop him. “I couldn’t save Katarina, but I knew you were still somewhere in the house and…I couldn’t leave you. You were just a child. I searched and yelled for you and soon I heard you screaming from inside a closet. Miraculously, the fire hadn’t reached you yet, but we didn’t have much time. I pulled you from the closet, you and your stuffed bunny, and we…escaped.”

So, he saved her. Liz must have always known on some level because she feels no true surprise at the revelation, just a calm acceptance. Some unidentifiable feeling is trying to push through the tears clogging her up, but she shoves it back, unable to handle anything else right now.

“I took you to Sam,” he says on an exhale, and Liz can tell the worst of it has passed. “He was my good friend from our military days and I didn’t know what else to do with a child. The Cabal was after me at this point for directly disobeying orders and I couldn’t take you with me, it was too dangerous. Besides, Sam always wanted a daughter.” He looks up to give her a watery smile and she lets out a small huff through her tears.

“I know,” she murmurs. Sam had often told her as much.

(God, she misses her dad.)

“I hid out for a few days,” Red’s saying now. “And thought everything through. I felt responsible about what happened to you and your parents. I soon decided that, with no family of my own left, the only thing I could do was try to fight the Cabal to create a safe future for you, in case they ever figured out who you were. My only goal was that yours was the last family the Cabal destroyed.” A dark fire enters Red’s eyes at his last words and Liz knows that this desire still burns within him.

(That’s the Red she knows, a dark harbinger of vengeful justice.)

“But I had nothing and no one to help me and it didn’t take me long to realize that Raymond Reddington many more contacts and resources than I did. So,” – the nonchalant shrug he gives here is almost hilarious – “I became him. We already had the same basic facial structure, body type, hair color – all things I considered signs that I was doing the right thing, though obviously they were just coincidences – and I had a few changes made to become a passable likeness. I didn’t have to do much, considering Reddington had been a top-secret agent, uncover mostly, and no one truly knew what he looked like. He was a ghost, a shadow, a rumor. So, I learned as much as I could about him and adopted some mannerisms but, mostly, I remade him. Created a new Reddington and built a criminal empire, making connections and calling in favors, running from the Cabal and trying to dismantle it from a distance.”

Red looks up at this, gazing somewhere over Liz’s shoulder in slight wonder. “The strangest part is, no one questioned it. It’s amazing what people will accept if you believe it yourself. Besides, I’d always been a good actor.” He meets Liz’s eyes then, curiously tentative and unsure. Afraid.

It hits her then how much he has just revealed, everything he has told them, things he has only trusted with a select few, and she wonders if she knows who he is anymore. She enormity of it all makes her head spin and she just blinks back at him, unfocused.

“Is that all?” asks Jennifer abruptly.

Red turns to her, his gaze hardening. “Yes.”

Jennifer glares at him long enough that Liz wonders what she’s thinking.

(What will she do?)

“You had no right!” she explodes suddenly, her eyes wild again in an instant and Liz feels cold dread settle in the pit of her stomach. “You sullied our father’s name, changed who he was, made a criminal out of him! You as good as killed him!”

The gun in her hands is shaking now and Liz is afraid. She understands though. Jennifer’s had comparatively little to do with this whole mess but everything she has learned tonight is shocking. Her father, whom at one point she thought was still alive and standing in front of her, betrayed her mother, may or may not have regretted it, had a child with another woman, and died an accidental death at the hands of her bastard half-sister, entangled in the politics of his job and the complications he created. Before now, maybe Jennifer had been holding onto the insane hope that her father was still alive somewhere. And even if not, Liz is sure she was holding onto some vain hope that he had good reasons for doing what he did to his family.

(Jennifer wants so desperately to forgive him.)

But, finding him irredeemable and nothing but more anger in the truth she’s wanted for years, she’s near homicidal. The only one here to blame is Red. And she’s got a gun.

“Jennifer –” starts Liz for what feels like the hundredth time tonight, but Jennifer is shaking with rage.

“No!” she yells, glaring at Red. “It’s all his fault! If he hadn’t – he shouldn’t of – he can’t –” But she’s too upset to form words, baseless accusations, desperate blame-placing, and the only thing she can do is cock the hammer of her gun with a damning click that sounds like a bomb to Liz’s ears, and point it at Red.

Red.

“NO!” the yell is ripped from her before she even knows what she’s doing, and she’s moved to stand in front of Red, who’s still defenseless on his knees, and suddenly she’s staring down the barrel of Jennifer’s gun.

(How, oh how, did she get here?)

Liz meets Jennifer’s eyes over the gun, which has lowered slightly in surprise, and watches as confusion colors her face, some of the anger seeping out.

“What are you doing, Liz? Get out of the way!” she yells. “This is what we’ve been waiting for!”

“No, Jennifer,” Liz says firmly. “This is what you’ve been waiting for! I never agreed to this!”

“What are you talking about?” she demands, incredulous. “He’s the reason our father’s dead!”

“No, he’s not!” Liz says, her voice rising. “He’s not and you would understand that if you calmed down enough to think!”

Jennifer grits her teeth and scowls at her. “Well, he as good as killed him! And it doesn’t even matter, he deserves to die after everything he’s done!”

“You’re not the one that gets to decide that, Jennifer!” yells Liz. “And he’s saved my life too many times for me to just let you kill him like this!”

“What do you like him now?” sneers Jennifer. “Has he become the daddy you always wanted?”

Liz feels anger spark hot embers inside her and she glares at Jennifer.

(She feels Red shift slightly behind her at Jennifer’s words.)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Jennifer,” she says lowly, seething. “Don’t make me hurt you.”

“Oh, you’re gonna hurt me, Liz? Your own sister?” she taunts, heedless of her warnings.

“Half-sister,” Liz corrects nastily. “And I will if I have to. You need to walk away.”

“Why the hell would I walk away?” screams Jennifer, truly losing it now. “I’ve been waiting for years to get my revenge and I’m not gonna let you stand in my way! What incentive do I have to leave right now? And even if I did, I’d just find another way to get to him!”

“No, you won’t,” snaps Liz, an idea occurring to her that gives her hope. “Do you have any idea how many people you’ve killed, both indirectly and by your own hand, in pursuit of evidence against him?” she jerks her head backwards towards Red.

Jennifer blinks. “So?” she demands.

“I work for the FBI, dumb-ass!” snaps Liz. “I can implicate you in so many murders that they’ll put you away for life. Is that what you want?”

Jennifer’s guns wavers. Liz has her.

“I’ll make you a deal. As long as you stay far away from Red and I, just walk away and leave us, you’ll stay in the free and clear. But only as long as you do that. If you come near us again, if you ever try to hurt him, I will personally pick out your prison cell. Understand?”

Jennifer grinds her teeth, furious, looking for a way out and, not finding any, puts her gun down with a frustrated scream.

“Fine, Liz, stay with the imposter, the traitor, if that’s what you want, I don’t care! Just know that you’re no sister of mine! And you –” she leans around Liz to point fiercely at Red, making Liz lift her gun warningly “– know that I will never forgive you.”

They stare each other down for a long, tense moment before Jennifer whips around and storms out of the room, gone.

There is a long moment of nothing while Liz stares after her, feeling empty, numb, until she hears Red stir behind her, standing slowly.

He waits a moment while Liz reels inside before he speaks.

“Lizzie?”

She can’t say anything.

“Lizzie, I –”

And she feels his warm hand tentatively touch her cold one from behind, startling her to her core and she whips around, feeling her breathing start to speed up, her eyes wide. Red remains frozen, watching her warily with concern, and she just stares blankly at him for a moment.

There’s only one thought echoing over and over in her over-saturated brain as she looks at him.

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

It’s a whisper, broken and tearful. Scared.

Red looks at her sadly.

“Yes, you do.”

He matches her, tone for tone, and it’s too much, something breaks inside and she’s spinning for the door, with a wordless groan.

“No, I have to leave –”

“Lizzie –”

“Leave me alone!”

She slams the door behind her, running from him, terrified and alone.

And she doesn’t know if she’ll ever stop.

Liz doesn’t remember getting back to her house – she suspects more traffic violations were involved, dark roads and loud car horns in the swirling snow – but when she becomes aware again, she’s sitting on her bathroom floor with her arms wrapped around her knees, rocking.

Everything she knew, everything she learned, everything that’s real to her now is crashing over her in waves, trying to sink her, and she’s just barely treading water, kicking her feet wildly, trying to keep her chin above the water line of everything that is too much.

Her father and her family and her history and her past and –

She’s pulling at her clothes now, yanking her shirt over her head and kicking out of her jeans, desperate to be free of the restraints, and stumbling towards the shower. Yes, a shower will help, hot water fixes everything doesn’t it?

(But she already feels like she’s drowning, so why is she heading into deeper water?)

Liz sets the water to the hottest it will go and turns her face up, her eyes closed and her thoughts racing.

She was the product of an affair, as she suspected, and supposedly there was love between her parents but who really knows? She’ll never be able to ask them because she killed her father and her mother – well, Liz is responsible for her death as well, isn’t she? Oh god, she killed both her parents –

And Red.

Red.

He saved her from the fire. He saved her life because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and his family –

It’s getting harder to breathe now, standing in the shower thinking about all this, and some voice in the back of her brain is telling her she’s quickly entering the throes of a panic attack, but she can’t stop it. She only manages to shut the water off and stumble out of the shower, tears starting to mix with the water dripping from her hair as she yanks a towel off the rack to wrap around herself as she sinks to the floor, gasping for air amid her sobs.

Red, the one she swore to destroy, the one she thought destroyed her life, is a victim of destruction himself. He did the best he could with the awful circumstances he was thrown into and he didn’t mean to, Red didn’t –

But he’s not Red. She shudders from the cold settling into her wet skin and she feels so violated. He’s a strange man she doesn’t actually know, and he pretended to be someone else to get close to her –

Wait. No. No, that was Tom. Tom did that. Red? Red cares about her. That much couldn’t have been a ruse, not with the way he looked at her tonight. The only person Red has been pretending to be is Raymond Reddington. Her father. But he’s still Red to her and Red loves her. But –

Liz can’t take it anymore, she’s gasping and crying, and she can’t calm down and the only thing she can think to do is reach for her discarded pants and pull out her phone, hitting number seven on her speed dial with a shaking finger.

He picks up on the first ring.

“Lizzie?”

“Red – please – h-help me –”

“I’ll be right there.”

And he is, like he always is, throwing open the door an unknown amount of time later to find her still sitting there crying, still huddled in her towel, still needing him.

“Lizzie –” he gasps and he's down on the floor within seconds, tearing his coat off and wrapping it around her, quickly followed by his arms.

And she's desperate for the warmth and comfort he has always provided her and she's turning her face into his chest, wetting it with her tears, mumbling indistinct phrases and words while he rubs her back and tries to calm her.

“I killed them both – how can I – oh god – and you – you saved me – you –”

“Lizzie, it's okay, sweetheart, you just need to breathe and get warm, it's okay, I've got you –”

She manages to get her breathing under control and stifle the tears long enough to look up at him, his hand pausing in its ceaseless stroking of her hair, and he looks down at her, concern and anguish plain on his face.

He cares.

Doesn’t he?

“Red?” she whispers, sniffling pathetically.

“Yes, Lizzie?” he asks desperately, worried.

“Do you care about me? Even though you’re not my father? Cause if you don’t, I don’t have anyone left, anyone at all, that cares – so please tell me you still – if you don’t – I can’t –”

“Oh, Lizzie,” he murmurs, rocking her gently. “Of course, I do, don’t be ridiculous –”

“But,” she hiccups, plowing forward, working herself up again. “We’re not related, I’m just some kid you saved from a fire. My parents are the reason your family died, if I was never born, you’d still have your wife and your daughter –”

And she’s starting to spiral again, the enormity of it hitting her all over again, just too much to comprehend, and Red knows it and he’s trying to help her, speaking quickly now.

“Lizzie, Lizzie, you can’t do that, don’t think that way, Lizzie, it won’t help anything –”

“How can you stand me?” she’s sobbing uncontrollably now. “I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you –”

And suddenly hands are gripping her face and he’s turning her around to face him, looking her so fiercely in the eye that she finally stops speaking.

“Lizzie, listen to me. None of what happened to me is your fault. If anything, you helped me stay alive for the past thirty years. You’re the only thing that’s kept me going through this never-ending battle. You have no idea how you’ve saved me, the things you’ve made me feel again, Lizzie, please – don’t doubt for a second – you must believe me – Lizzie, I adore you –”

He breaks off, biting the side of his mouth to stop himself, but his eyes are still speaking, burning at her in a way she’s seen a few times, but it’s never glared at her like this before.

(It’s near blinding but she can’t stop looking because it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.)

And she’s been hanging on his every word, here on the bathroom floor, aching to believe him, needing something real to hold onto as badly as she needs air, and the words he’s forced into her ears have her gripping him back, watching his lips as he bites them, fighting at the strength of his emotion and some insane, uncontrollable urge has her surging forward, almost climbing up his prone body on the floor, completely heedless of her towel and his jacket, her hands going to his shoulders to steady herself as she moves to kiss him and it will be perfect, everything she needs right now, everything will fall into place, and –

But no, his hands are suddenly strong on her shoulders, pushing her away, not pulling her closer, and the thought has tears welling in her eyes yet again, because he doesn’t want her after all –

But he’s speaking again, just as urgently as before. “Lizzie, no, sweetheart, you’re not thinking clearly, we can’t do this, you’ll regret this later, Lizzie, please, don’t cry –”

And she’s sobbing again, her heart breaking in so many pieces she can’t even count and she’s choking out words. “You – don’t – want – me –”

But he’s holding her firm again and speaking in that same way, undeniable. “Lizzie, this has nothing to do with what I want, you have no idea, if only you knew how much I want you – but Lizzie, you just need to calm down first, that’s all –”

And she’s throwing her arms back around his neck in relief and he’s holding her but what’s that she feels, right under the edge of his dress shirt? She slides a shaking hand down a little further, any sense of discretion lost long ago when this suffocating waterfall crashed down on top of her, and she feels a curiously familiar texture the further down she goes and he’s tensing beneath her and oh no –

“Lizzie –”

It’s all very clear suddenly. This is the only thing he edited out tonight, that one small nugget of information he visibly held back, the thing that changes it all, because these are scars he suffered for her on that night –

(He gave her everything.)

And very abruptly it’s all too much. Lizzie feels herself starting to pass out with something like relief, her brain just shutting down, falling into blackness, and she’s so grateful that she can finally escape it all. The last thing she hears is Red calling her name and the last thing she feels is the odd sensation of being lifted when the rest of her is sinking downwards and she knows he’s taking her somewhere and she truly doesn’t care where.

(He can do what he likes with her.)

Liz wakes late the next morning, her eyes gritty and her sinuses congested, and for one moment she is blissfully unaware of everything that happened the night before. It takes a full minute for it all to come flooding back, hitting her with a physical force that makes her let out a lungful of air, and she turns her head into her pillow, trying to sink back into the darkness.

(She knows she can’t hide forever but can’t stop herself from trying.)

When that doesn’t work, she slowly pushes herself up into a sitting position, finding herself still wrapped in her now-dry towel and Red’s coat as well as tangled in her sheets. She kicks it all off and stands naked in her bedroom, about to head for the bathroom, figuring she should finish the shower that she never really started last night, when she hears a noise downstairs. There’s someone else in her house and she has no doubt that it’s Red.

(She’s not sure what it means that she knew the second she woke up that he was near.)

Not particularly bothered by the fact that he never left last night, Liz proceeds with her shower, taking the opportunity to think as she couldn’t last night, with a slightly more clear and objective head and some sleep.

She feels a bit more human by the time she’s scrubbed her face clean and washed her hair and when she gets out of the shower to dry off, she stops to examine her face in the mirror.

She looks awful.

Liz’s face is very pale and drawn, with dark circles under eyes despite the fact that she slept the whole night and most of the morning undisturbed. Her eyelids are heavy and swollen there’s very little life in her face.

(She supposes that’s what receiving life altering information does.)

Feeling no motivation to make her presentable, Liz simply draws her half-dry hair up into a messy bun and finds some clean, warm sweatpants and a hoodie, feeling slightly more protected this way.

(Protected from what, she doesn’t exactly know.)

Without further ado, she picks up Red’s coat and leaves her room, heading downstairs. She’s heard no more movement from Red, but she gravitates towards the living room, walking quietly in her bare feet and peeking around the corner to see him there.

He’s asleep, which surprises her, though she supposes it shouldn’t. He went through just as much trauma and emotional pain as she did last night, not to mention everything he had to deal with coming from her. He’s curled up on her couch, still completely dressed, including his shoes, looking small and cold. He has no pillow or blanket and she immediately feels ashamed.

(She couldn’t even manage to provide a blanket for the man who saved her life. She’s awful.)

Liz hurries over and gently drapes his coat over him. He doesn’t stir, and she takes the rare opportunity to kneel on the floor in front of him and stare at his face.

He looks younger when he’s asleep, his tan face relaxed and his jaw slack. Liz misses the expressive depth of his eyes, but she examines his eyelashes instead. How did she never notice how long and blonde they are? He’s a beautiful man.

And she immediately shoves that inappropriate thought out of her head. She can’t think that way, not about Red.

(As much as she may want to.)

She’s loathe to wake him but she knows they have to talk. And as painful as the subject matter is, she has a feeling she won’t truly feel better until they discuss things. So, Liz reaches out and very gently rests a hand on his cheek.

His eyes flutter open immediately, with no utterance from either of them, and she can tell that he’s instantly alert, looking directly into her eyes and nowhere else. There is silence between them for a long moment before he breaks it with her name.

(What else?)

“Lizzie.”

His voice is husky as well as deep in the morning and she shivers pleasantly at the sound of it before she manages to suppress it. She must stop that.

“How are you this morning?”

After everything that happened last night, and his first thought is still of her.

(Oh, Red.)

“A little better, thank you,” she murmurs. “I…I am so sorry about last night, Red.”

He frowns and is taking her hand from his face before she can move, turning it to cradle in both of his as he sits upright, his coat slumping off him onto the couch.

“Lizzie, you have nothing to apologize for,” he says, quiet but intense. “Yesterday was…too much. I would have been surprised if you weren’t overwhelmed. My only concern is that you’re doing better now.”

Liz’s eyes fill with tears at his kindness. No. No more tears. Enough of those were shed last night. “I am. Sleep and a shower does wonders for a person,” she manages a thin smile that he instantly returns. “Come on, I could use some coffee.”

She gently removes her hand from his and stands, heading for the kitchen. She hears him rise and stretch, following her a moment later and perching at the bar while she starts up the coffee maker and puts out mugs mechanically. Neither of them speaks while the coffee maker spurts and brews, some unspoken agreement keeping them silent while they wait for the coffee to brew, putting off the broaching of any sensitive topics.

Once the coffee is poured and their hands are wrapped around their warm mugs, Liz speaks.

(She might as well dive right back into the bottomless ocean Red dragged her out of last night. At least, he’s here as her lifeguard this time.)

“I…I don’t really know where to begin,” she mumbles. “But I guess the two most important things for me to say to you right now are ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘thank you’.”

She looks up tentatively from her mug to see Red frowning in disagreement and opening his mouth to speak. She waves to cut him off.

“Don’t. Just…let me talk, please. There’s some things I need to…say out loud.”

He purses his lips but nods, gesturing for her to continue.

“I’m sorry that I went behind your back, again, and conspired with Jennifer to hurt you. I was just…so angry at the things I found out and I couldn’t fathom just asking you about them. I should really know better by now.” She gives a little sad smile and shakes her head lightly. “I’m sorry for putting you in danger last night. I didn’t think far ahead enough to predict what Jennifer would do in that situation and…it was too close. We’re just lucky she left, and no one got hurt.”

Liz chances a look up at Red again and he’s just staring at her, with a solemn expression on his face and kind eyes.

(She almost can’t take it.)

“And as far as ‘thank you’ goes…,” Liz trails off and shrugs helplessly at him. “I mean, there’s literally nothing that’s happened in my life that I shouldn’t be thanking you for. I’m alive because of you. I had Sam because of you. And…I survived last night because of you.”

He has tears in his eyes now and honestly, so does she, but she refuses to let them fall. She has to be strong now.

“I’ll never be able to thank you enough,” she whispers ardently, looking him in the eyes as she speaks, and he shakes his head vigorously, finally breaking his promise to let her talk uninterrupted.

“Lizzie,” he breathes. “You have nothing to thank me for. If I had simply held true to my beliefs and stood up to the Cabal, your parents would still be alive. It’s my fault they’re dead, Lizzie, you should be furious –”

“Furious?” blurts Lizzie with a watery and slightly hysterical laugh. “Red, I’m the one that pulled that trigger. You can’t –”

“You were just a child, Lizzie!” He abandons his coffee mug to grab her hands and pull her close. “In no universe can you be blamed for what happened that night. I was the only other adult there, I was the one that should have stopped it all. I could have.” He lowers his eyes and his voice drops to a whisper. “Lizzie, you have no idea how many nights I’ve laid awake wishing I could change what happened. And I’ve been trying to make it up to you ever since.”

Liz’s throat tightens. “I know. And you have made it up to me. Hundreds of times over. Red, I don’t blame you for that night. Please believe that,” she grips his hands. “It was a horrible tragedy. And it could have been worse. I could have died. If you hadn’t been there, I would have. And that’s what I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to repay.”

To her surprise, Red smiles and lets out a wry chuckle, and the words he says next are ones that she’ll never forget.

“Don’t you see, Lizzie? Saving you was the only good thing I did that night. If you hadn’t survived, I would have had nothing to live for. Saving you was my salvation. And, while I’ll never be able to repay that debt, I will never stop trying.”

Liz can do nothing now but throw her arms around his neck, completely in awe. Red wraps his arms around her waist in return, pressing his face into her shoulder and inhaling. The warm feeling that goes through her feels so good it must be wrong, and she pulls back to look him in the eye.

“Looks like we’re never going to see eye to eye on this, are we?” she asks unsteadily, and he stares at her with a tender gaze, shaking his head slowly. Liz sighs in defeat.

And then Red surprises her by suddenly bringing a hand up to her cheek, much like what she did to wake him. The look in his eyes intensifies and becomes so captivating that she can’t possibly look away, his eyes burning through her helplessly.

(She’s afraid.)

Liz somehow manages to rip herself away from his gaze and his grip, moving away and returning to the safety of her coffee mug at the counter, feeling light-headed and uncomfortable.

“Well, what do we do now?” she asks breathlessly, not turning around.

It’s a tense moment before he replies. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” she thinks for a moment. “Do we continue with the blacklist? We haven’t dismantled the Cabal yet and, now that I know your true motivation behind the mission, I want to help you.”

“Lizzie,” Red starts and she feels brave enough now to turn and look at him. “I don’t want you to help me because you feel obligated to. I need you to want it too. That’s the only way this can continue.”

“I do want to,” she assures him, and she can feel that inside. There’s a small flame that was ignited last night, somewhere underneath everything else that demanded her attention, a fire that burns to avenge her parent’s deaths. “Even though I was the one to pull the trigger that night, the circumstances around my parent’s deaths were out of my control. It all stems from the Cabal. And they have to pay.”

She can feel the fierce look on her face and he’s smiling at her proudly, a look that inspires her next words. “And, as I think we’ve proven time and time again…we make a great team.” She gives him a crooked smile that he can’t help but return, beaming at her and she feels warm again.

“All right, then,” Red says happily. “The blacklist will continue.”

Liz smiles triumphantly at him.

(She has an odd feeling that her parents would be proud of her.)

Liz turns back to her coffee mug, feeling tired all over again but still strangely energized.

And then Red surprises her by speaking again.

“I think there’s still one other thing we have to discuss, Lizzie.”

Liz freezes with her hands around her mug. She thought remembered something else happening last night, something she did that was potentially mortifying, but she’s been ignoring it until now, hoping it wouldn’t matter in the face of all their other issues.

(Silly her. It’s easily the most important thing. It always has been.)

“Oh?”

“Yes,” he murmurs. “Do you remember trying to kiss me last night?”

God, he just gets right to it, doesn’t he? What is she supposed to say to that?

“Vaguely,” she mutters, feeling herself redden. “I’m sorry about that, Red. I wasn’t in my right mind. I know it wasn’t appropriate and I understand why you pushed me away.”

There is a beat of silence where she holds her breath.

“You don’t remember what I told you, do you?”

Liz looks up at that, surprised. “No. Things are a little…muddled.”

He nods understandingly. “Lizzie, I didn’t push you away because I thought it was inappropriate. I pushed you away because you were in no state to go there and, frankly, neither was I.”

Liz stares at him blankly. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I have no objections to pursuing that now,” he finishes plainly, stating his words very clearly, as if it were completely expected.

(She stomps fiercely on the small flutter in her chest.)

Liz’s mind starts to whirl. She abandons her mug on the counter and hurries past him, starting to pace back and forth across her living room.

“Red, what –” she stutters. “What are you – are you crazy?”

(Back.)

He just blinks at her. “I’m sorry?”

Liz looks at him like he has four heads. “We can’t be together, Red!”

(Forth.)

He merely looks confused now. “Why not?”

Liz gapes at him. “You’ve been pretending to be my father for thirty years!”

(Back.)

“No.”

And his tone, suddenly sharper and very direct, all traces of kindness gone, make her turn abruptly to face him, ceasing her pacing.

“I’ve been pretending to be Raymond Reddington for thirty years,” he states, now moving towards her across the room. “There’s not a day in my life that I’ve pretended to be your father, Lizzie.”

(Her heart stumbles in her chest. Is he saying what she thinks he’s saying?)

“But – but –” she stutters, completely taken aback. “Other people – they’ll think –”

“What will they think, Lizzie?” he presses, moving slowly closer to her frozen form. “I’ve gone to great lengths over the past three decades to make sure that no one knows the true identity of your birth father. Any bystander would assume it was Constantin or even Sam. Or perhaps you never actually found out. People will believe what you tell them, trust me.” He chuckles dryly. “The only people on earth that know your father is Raymond Reddington are Jennifer and Dembe. Jennifer has been rather effectively silenced, thanks to you, and I think it’s safe to say that we both trust Dembe with our lives. Anyone who puts the pieces together – which is highly unlikely, if you ask me – could conduct a simple DNA test to find out that we are not related.”

The words are spoken with such emphasis as he advances towards her, passion evident in his eyes, and Liz can do nothing but stare incredulously at him, unconsciously backing up as he moves forward, starting to hear the logic in his words.

(It’s incredibly, beautifully, impossibly, dangerously tempting.)

“There is absolutely no genetic or societal reason why we can’t be together, Lizzie,” he continues fervently. “We know the truth. The only thing standing in our way is…preconceived notions.”

“Preconceived notions…” she breaths.

Her back hits the wall.

“I have feelings for you, Lizzie, and I have for a long time. Do you have feelings for me?”

He stops in front of her now, close to her, and her heart hammers at his proximity. Can it really be that simple? Can she allow herself to want what she’s denied herself for so long on baseless principles?

(Maybe. But she’s afraid.)

“Lizzie…”

He moves closer, placing his hands gently on either side of the wall behind her, not constraining her – he would never do that – but persuading her, gently trying to convince her to give in to what he knows is right. He’s murmuring sweet words to her, things she knows he’s always wanted to say and he’s leaning forward to ghost his nose down her neck and into her hair, smelling her shampoo and sighing happily.

Liz’s head thumps back against the wall, her eyes fluttering shut as lazy pleasure unfurl through her body at his ministrations, and she sighs helplessly, whimpering a little when his lips pass over her pulse.

(She wants him. God help her, she wants him.)

“Red…” It’s breathy sigh that she’s been holding in for longer than she knows, and he looks up at her, cupping her cheek gently and gazing into her eyes.

“Why not us, Lizzie? Why not us?”

And in that instant, everything clicks into place. Why not? Why not them? Why deny themselves this connection, this spark they’ve been ignoring for years? They may be unlikely and unusual but that’s what makes them them and they know the truth and the truth is that there is nothing inherently bad about them, nothing that can stop them. They are made for one another and how rare is it to find your perfect match? Because the minute they saved each other from the fire that changed their lives, their fate was as good as sealed. And if there’s one thing that rings true with Liz, it’s that fate can’t be denied.

She loves him.

(And the minute she admits it to herself, she feels more at peace than she has in the last six years.

She’s home.)

And he’s waiting patiently for her to decide and he’s been waiting for much longer than she realizes, and it feels better than anything she’s ever felt to say the word to him.

“Yes.”

The happiness and love in his eyes is everything to her and he wastes no time in pressing forward to touch his lips to her, taking in a breath against her lips as they meet and kiss for the first time, and Liz does the opposite, his perfect match, sighing in relief and wrapping her arms around his shoulders as they melt against each other.

(It feels wonderful to finally stop fighting.)

Red presses closer to her, using the wall to keep them anchored, and Liz leans against him, as she’s always been able to do, cupping her hands around his neck and trembling from want. It’s another long moment of intense feeling and being and living before Red gently pulls away and they stare at one another in shock at what they are together.

Liz can’t help but gaze at him in wonder, marveling at how they got here and how, against all odds, things have worked out for them, and she’s speaking softly before she’s truly digested everything.

(He’s always been the first to hear her thoughts.)

“Life is full of surprises, isn’t it, Red?”

Red lets out a quiet laugh, his warm breath wafting over her face and he just smiles and nods, stroking her hair lovingly.

“It is. I must say, I never expected to fall in love with you…” His thumb passes over her cheek. “But the biggest surprise…is you loving me back.”

Tears fill Liz’s eyes once again and she can do nothing more than kiss him again because why on earth wouldn’t she love this man? This selfless, pure, giving man who has spent the better part of his life rescuing her.

(She only hopes that they can spend the rest of their lives saving each other. Together.)

They continue to kiss, wrapped up in their warmth and newly accepted love, while the snow falls outside her window in the light of the setting sun, peaceful and quiet.

Tonight, it will stick.

[fit-as-fxck]

HRV and the Autonomic Nervous System

(pls, I just wanna ramble)

Lets talk Heart Rate Variability and the Autonomic nervous system. Nerd alert- this is something I heckin’ love. What we’re looking for here is fine scale variability across physiologic systems. Those little movements between rest are measured when you do a variability analysis. What you’re looking at is information about the autonomic nervous system- how much is rest and digest (parasympathetic) and how much is stress (sympathetic). Besides this, there is something that is called RER (respiratory exchange ratio), using the same algorithm (measuring HRV etc) to measure how the body uses (metabolizes) carbs and fat during training which is really interesting but super difficult to explain. This checks for something called metabolic flexibility using this fine scale variability. The more fine scale variability you have the more parasympathetic your system is, the more you are under rest and digest. As you lose that fine scale variability your risk for heart problems rises. Maybe someone on paper seems that they should be seeing certain results or in a certain state however, if something is off, checking this fine scale variability you may find out that this person is losing the capacity to use carbs for fuel or transition to fats for fuel during certain specific style training etc and you can adjust from there. This is all advanced science though, I don’t see the average person in a gym particularly caring about this but the high level athlete might. The average person doesn’t have an understanding of the short term or long term implications of this. BUT, I think everyone can agree that we all need the ability to manage or even flourish under stress. If you don’t have the ability to be parasympathetic at rest, your body’s ability to buffer stress is going to be impacted. Later I’m going to link this information to where I currently am in my training (which is royally fucked amen).

Let’s look at an example of a client on paper who seems great. HRV is really high, resting heart rate is really low. But how did she feel? Like shit. She could barely get off the couch, couldn’t train, couldn’t even work. By grabbing that snapshot where she probably went though a massive amount of sympathetic stress and at some point her body went from being very sympathetic but her ability to do work kind of gets worse. You don’t feel very good. Sleeping less, training harder and drinking more pre-workout to fix it is the wrong approach. You can get by on it for a period of months, even years, but your system is fucked. Wham, out of no where you become super parasympathetic almost overnight. If you think about the body as a survival based organism, it’s saying “Hey you’ve had all this stress and were trying to shut you down slowly over time. We’re cutting your performance but you keep doing all these things to override it. I’m gonna flip the light switch and make you so parasympathetic you’re not even gonna make it to the gym.” Reaching this point is extremely difficult because your body doesn’t have any sympathetic area to go to. It makes sense in the case of your body being survival based. When you get here we are shutting you down. To recover out of that massive hole takes time, months or years to even get back to baseline.

Now, let’s take someone at rest and make them more sympathetic. Let’s make them do 5x5 deadlifts at the gym and in that instance you WANT the ability to become more sympathetic. You want the ability to use more carbohydrates as a fuel source to create more ATP fast enough to fuel that exercise. On the flip side, when you’re done with that you want the ability to down-regulate (take a stressor and absorb it), to become more parasympathetic. When you’re more parasympathetic we see the body’s ability to use fat is greater. The tricky part is what are the cross over periods. Can we look at someones HVR to see how someones using those fuels or see what those ends of the spectrum are? In general what we see is that someone who is more on the sympathetic side has a much harder time reaching their body composition goals. But let’s go back to heart rate for a minute. If we make your heart more aerobically efficient, an adaptation to that will be a lower resting heart rate. If we’re trying to make someone more aerobically efficient we can use heart rate variability to see if someone became more parasympathetic overtime especially if a taper or deload is involved (pull all the other training stresses away). Resting heart rate can give you a pretty good idea of where you’re at. Again, we’re looking at how high and how low you can go.

Something to note:

Let’s talk about a study done on Monster energy drink. For the sake of research, the caffeine dose was based on body size. The HRV was measured etc what they saw was not too much of a change in HRV, resting heart rate was changed and performance was enhanced slightly with a fair amount of variability. People who were at both ends of the spectrum were analyzed so massive data came out and a conclusion could not be reached very well. BUT the interesting thing about caffeine used in the study like this is sometimes people went very parasympathetic before going sympathetic. Coffee was an entirely different story though!! Variabilities included: caffeine tolerance, absorption rates, and personal neuro-associations with it. Some people drink a cup before they go do something fun, sometimes before lifting. So for someone with a notion about it already, that plays a part on the effect they receive. Take someone who slams 2 cups a day before heavy ass deadlifts, well, their neuro associations was more on the sympathetic side (heavier dose, smell of coffee triggering to get amped up to lift). So this data gets hella messy quite quickly. I just thought that was super neat to mention. Don’t mind my word vomit. 

Let’s take HRV and resting heart rate to see how someone should be training. Maybe we take look at it and decide someone shouldn’t be doing anymore sympathetic type training because their system cant recover from it as much. In this way, training can be manipulated to reach different goals- lets say we manipulate it in a way and then they come back and we test their aerobic capacity etc and find out that by adjusting it they essentially saw a better HRV over the long term. Finding that balance between wanting more of that capacity because its indirectly supporting something VS moving away from the thing you’re trying to get better at, is where its at. There are ways in which HVR can be used to manipulate training to reach an end goal that may leave the person better off.

Perception of Lifestyle stressors: (finally, this is what I wanted to get to)

-Take someone whose training should be the most stressful thing in their life right now, their lifestyle stressors should be relatively low or stable. But what we’re finding is it’s actually inverted. Different things dictate this: resting heart rate and also perception. If we have someone training super hard, we pull back the training for a period then what should happen is their HVR improves because we’ve essentially pulled back the biggest stressor in their life. If it doesn’t improve, then something happened that week or there’s some other baseline stress that’s going on. This can be evaluated by getting some context information. What else is going on in your life? Is your life outside the gym feeling like a goddamn dumpster fire?? It’s like filling a water bucket and multiple things can effect the water level if you have multiple things going in and going out. Here’s an example: An athlete whose HRV dropped but he just started his taper and it should be going up over time. Keeps dropping for 4 days. So what else is going on? because the graph isn’t making sense. Well, turns out his wife is getting pregnant, they lost one of their coaches at their gym, and he’s thinking of selling his house, all within the last 4 days. Yeah thats a lot of stress and that makes perfect sense. Eventually things get back on track, his HRV starts going back up but if we didn’t have that context marker we would assume it was his training or body that was going wrong. In a lot of cases we have unconscious stressors too, things we don’t even notice. 

-Most stressors are on an individual basis and most of it is based on perception of it. How much of this is based on how we perceive something as a negative or a positive? Take this study for example: Maids at a large hotel we’re split into two groups. First group was told their work was enough activity to satisfy the daily recommendation and was going to help their weightloss. The second group wasn’t told anything but they all moved the same amount. Well, the first group actually lost weight over a series of weeks because they thought what they were doing was effective for weight loss. Take another study: People were given a set amount of pain in their finger and then they changed the visual input to the finger. They had them look through binoculars either the normal way or the opposite way - so the finger looked bigger or smaller. When the finger looked bigger they reported more pain. What’s even crazier is they had a measurement of the local inflammation of the finger itself and in the case where they reported more pain, they actually had more local inflammation. So the body literally listened to the perceptions of the brain. Let’s take another study done on the milkshake: The first group was told the milkshake was super “blah”, the second group was told the milkshake was super thick and fancy and calorie dense with tons of fat. Of course the perception of what they reported as tasting was different and even their hormonal changes were actually different even though it was the same thing. So how much do we actually understand on this? On another note: how much do we know about EMF (electromagnetic fields)? But what are we going to do? Walk around in a bubble? So when you take people’s control of this away and amplify the psychological profile of it, what the heck do u think? But anyways.

Nutrition:

Take someone who is very sympathetic and has a very low HVR. If they’re already very sympathetic what we probably want to do is counteract some of that cortisol and introduce them to more calories and carbs. IN theory the hormone that is opposite of cortisol that we can control is probably insulin. Are we purposely bumping up insulin a little? Yes, but we’re trying to buffer some of the stress in their life. Other interventions are breathing practices, meditation and relaxing more. Take someone who is very active in the gym and ask them what they do to relax and they CANT say go to the gym. The vast majority of the time they’re like idk. The fact is, you need a movement to handle stress and you need a non-movement to handle stress.  But if you’re trying to handle stress by adding more stress all the time? Prob not gonna go well. Breathing is probably the biggest intervention to acutely change HRV (more sympathetic to more parasympathetic). Even the eyes can be involed. There is a condition called tree blindness. A person cant tell the difference between trees anymore. In Japan they talk about forest bathing aka walking in the woods and there’s even more interesting information about looking at fractal patterns. Distance is even involved, if you’re staring at your screen all day those little muscles that control the eye get tight because of lack of use. This muscle should be really really fast. When people get really stressed the fine scale muscles of the eye become less and that makes sense because if someone runs into the room with a knife then we’re going to immediately look at that person and we’re not going to try to look at anything else. We’re going to become hyper vigilant because that thing is the biggest threat to us. But some people’s baseline stress is so high that they walk into a room and their eyes don’t even move around much at all, or their head moves with their eyes all the time. This is a tell-tell sign that they’re on the sympathetic side. 

I mentioned cortisol above but someone who is sympathetic with low HVR and tries to measure they cortisol, well, it may not always be accurate based on the measurement. But by measuring their HVR and resting heart rate every day they get to see a better pattern. Lets take that person and tell them to meditate every day for 15 minutes. They report that they don’t “feel” any different after 4 days, but lets pull their data and we see that their resting heart rate is getting better and their HRV is going up a little bit. So, that gives them feedback and they get a little bit of a win, a little bit of a dopamine hit to keep moving in the right direction. This can be applied using sleep too. If they have a massive sleep dept then they’re probably gonna need to sleep more for a bunch of nights in a row before they really feel any different. But if they can see their HRV data then they can see that they’re moving in the right direction by seeing a physiologic marker of their system to reinforce those small changes. You’re probably not gonna feel better right away but you can see that its beneficial.

Supplemental Interventions:

Higher calories seem to help most of all because it takes your body out of that state of constant stress. Personally, I fucked up regarding this. I didn’t eat regularly (or enough) and lost my appetite completely for the past 4 weeks further driving my body into this unwanted state. I’m building calories back up again to practice recovering my body back to normal but I’ll get into this later. A few other things are adaptogens (Ashwagana, maca) and reishi mushrooms. Removing caffeine completely is a huge part for me right down. I’m almost completely off caffeine (decaf coffee for me >:[ thx). Currently, I am supplementing with Ashwaganda, Magnesium, An adrenal reset, B vitamins, C vitamins for immune support, Maca root as another adaptogen/stress, Iron, Vitamin D, Fish oil is a given. It sounds like a lot but I shot my system into the ground over the past 2 years due to physical and intense psycho-social stressors (which I wont get into) and never let myself recover from it. Yeah, I fucked up. And then I got super sick and stopped being able to even eat. I carry constant fatigue, my arms feel tired all the time. Another part is how much light exposure do you see (not behind sunglasses or a windshield) to regulate your circadian rhythm? That is an anchor we need. Being tired during the day and then being wide awake when you try to go to bed is absolutely a marker of having a screwed up rhythm. Taking a walk outside and looking up at the trees, no matter how simple that sounds, makes a difference. Cold exposure: I’ll talk more about this when I talk about a recent book but applying cold therapy and thermogenic heat conditioning is a way to apply an acute stressor to combat chronic stress (releasing cortisol and adrenal etc in order to respond correctly to the psycho-social stressors). Dr Rhonda Patrick has amazing information on this. This may not be the best tactic to apply for the average person on the daily (I'm not talking turning the water to cold at the end of a shower to activate the acute stressor, I'm talking more than that). The problem we get into is that fitness is a culture of extremes and sometimes extremes like this don’t need to be applied. Some things we can get a lot of adaptation from with minimal effort. There is a time and place for everything and as much as I love hot yoga, right now I have to stick to normal yoga until my system can take it on. 

The average person has decoupled movement from stress. They’re sitting at their desk all day, their boss yells at them and what do they do? They type faster but they don’t have much movement at all under a huge amount of stress without any outlet. If someone is buffering that with high intensity exercise they’re already doing the one thing that is trying to get them more coupled to that stressor. How do we fix those better? I tried and ran myself into the ground. Of course the stress I was under was paired with an intense lack of sleep, getting sick, literally not eating for over 24 hours every day, getting hardly any calories in, not resting and over caffeinated to cover up the weaknesses I was experiencing but eventually it all stopped working for me. Okay, I'm almost done.

HRV is essentially the overall cost of all the stress on the autonomic nervous system. And it’s in charge of a lot of stuff in the body. But it’s not a single predictor of performance. Most people have a very low awareness of their life stressors. Oftentimes, they don’t realize how much of a factor it’s playing until they see the data in front of them. 

Personally:

So this is where I am right now. I’m having to learn to be super gentle with myself. I’m tracking several things along with how I feel every single day and sleep etc. 

supplementing

sleeping

resting

meditation and breathing exercises 

light yoga and mobility

walking and sunlight exposure 

managing psycho-social stressors 

eating enough calories

tapered myself off of caffeine (its almost non existent for me right now, thank you adrenals for shutting down on me, you motherfucker)

learning to relax 

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 49

(To listen, click here) - 14:13

Levi’s not so sure he’s ready to have feelings with everybody.  Last time, he’d just written a short response to Dominique’s own feelings and shared it with her.  It’s hard to open up like this.  To build up his trust in other people.  To let them close even though they really might let him down.  Disappoint him.  Hurt him even, but at least, not on purpose.

The pile of S’mores on the table looks inviting.  Levi sticks close to Jesus again, in case he needs to keep feeling like nobody’s about to force him to eat a S’more when he doesn’t want to.

“Anybody wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, when it’s clear that Jesus isn’t going to say anything.

And, maybe because it’s Dominique and she’s sitting on the other side of Levi right now, and he remembers being able to share with her things he couldn’t share with anybody else, Levi offers:

“The S’mores are making me...I don’t know...suspicious?” he admits.

Dominique raises her eyebrows but doesn’t comment.  Seems like they all might be waiting for Levi to say more.  Eventually he can.  

“Maybe because...I don’t know...they seem like...you know how parents always caution kids - sorry Jesus and anybody else this might apply to - but like, “Don’t take candy from strangers?”

Beside Levi, Jesus stiffens, but offers, “Or rides…”

“Or do favors…” Dominique comments cynically.

“Amen,” Pearl says, raising a hand, even though Levi hasn’t known his sister to be particularly religious.

Francesca just eats her S’more and says, “I am so confused right now.”

“Let’s let Levi finish what he’s saying, and then maybe you won’t be confused anymore,” Mariana encourages.

“It’s just...the S’mores feel...like...the thing that lures somebody?” Levi tries.  “Like the cookies I remember from your mom’s house.”  He nods at Pearl.  “I felt on edge around her, but I loved the cookies.  So…”

“Like bait,” Mariana comments.  “You feel like the S’mores are us...baiting you...what...into a trap?”

“Like...I’m…” Levi tries.  The words stop coming.

Francesca thrusts her hand in the air and waves it around.  “Ooh.  Can I please say all the specific stuff about the S’mores?”

Levi nods.  “Specific stuff would be good.”

“So,” Francesca starts importantly.  “These S’mores are  not a trick.  They’re accommodation food.  And also Avoiders-friendship-food because we all like to eat snacks while we talk.”

“But…” Levi ventures.  He glances at Dominique.  “If I eat one, does that mean I’m obligated...you know...to talk?”

“No,” Dominique shakes her head.  

“A S’more that makes you talk?  That is a trick.  These S’mores are the opposite of a trick.  These aren’t like those other cookies…” Francesca tries to explain.  But Levi can see her thinking, now that she’s mentioned the cookies again.

“Fran?  You okay?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah, I just...had a trauma question but I think it’s rude.” she admits.

“Well, use your judgement,” Dominique encourages.  “Exercise that muscle.”

“I’m really curious, though,” Francesca winces.  “But I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings by asking about hard things.  So, I shouldn’t.  But I don’t think I can keep it in.”

“Who is it a trauma question for?” Pearl asks.  “Remember that Jesus might not feel safe answering a question about trauma today still.  And I also might want to opt out…”

“It’s not you guys,” Francesca reassures.  “It’s Levi.”

“So, maybe, first…” Dominique cautions.  “We make sure Levi doesn’t have anymore suspicions about our S’mores.”

“I do…” Levi manages.  “I can’t help it.”

“Okay.  Do you have questions?” Dominique wonders.

Levi thinks of the poem they wrote together yesterday.  Of his ‘rude boy’ line.  “Is it rude to eat one of these but not talk?  Not answer a question?”

“No,” Mariana says.  “That’s your boundary.  Your right.”

“What about if I don’t wanna eat one at all?” Levi checks.  “And I still don’t wanna share?  Is that rude?”

“Nobody’s gonna force you to eat,” Jesus comments quietly.  “Boundaries aren’t rude.  So, there are three options,” he starts out slowly.  “An option means, it’s a choice.  That any of the three are okay to pick.  Or not.  Number one:  You can eat a S’more if you want, and talk, too, if you want.”

“Do I have to?” Levi presses, feeling like this is super urgent.

“Sorry.” Jesus apologizes.  “I might be going too fast.”

“No...it’s just...the way I am…” Levi sighs, remembering Carla’s words from the video she sent him.  All the mud everywhere.  Him in a robe that she wore usually, probably when she was all naked.  Gross.

“Okay the West sibs need a feelings break,” Pearl says.

Levi scoots his chair back.  But he hears Dominique’s voice lowly encouraging Pearl: “Ask him.  Don’t swoop.”

“Right,” Levi hears Pearl self-correct.  “Levi?  Do you need a break?  Whatever you decide is okay.”

He nods and gets up, but Levi has no idea where to go. But Pearl just walks with him until he ends up outside sitting in the grass.  There are some bald spots in it.  Spots that could be really muddy.

When Levi glances up to see if Pearl’s still here, she is.  Just waiting.  Just being with him.

“Sorry. It’s just…” Levi finally starts, then stops.

“It’s just that food feels loaded…” Pearl finishes, understanding.  She lets Cleo off leash and sets her in Levi’s lap.

“It’s good food.  Organized all perfect on a plate.  Like if you eat it, then she has you…”  Levi glances up.  “I’m sorry.”

“No.  That’s totally valid.  It’s why I can’t hear a random kid your age ask for a ride or a favor without losing my breath.  Because even if the two things are in no way connected.  Our senses are very much connected.  So the feeling of seeing a special treat out on the table does feel suspicious.” Pearl affirms.

Levi’s quiet, petting Cleo.  “I didn’t listen.”

“When?” Pearl asks.

“In there.  They were trying to explain and...I was trying to listen but it was like...the words came into my head one at a time.  They went through this sieve one at a time and then they vanished.  I can’t make sense of all of them at the same time.  But if I don’t listen, it’s bad,” Levi tries to explain.

“How is it bad?” Pearl asks.

“Like...it’s just the way I am…  That’s what she said.  Such a little shit.  Never listens.” Levi finds himself parroting back Carla’s words.

Pearl winces.  “She said those things to you?  That being bad is just the way you are?”

“That’s not the part that’s bad.” Levi comments softly.

“Oh, okay.  I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes.  “I’m listening.  You can tell me the bad part if you want.”

“The bad part is...if I don’t listen...I get in trouble.” Levi ventures, meeting her eyes finally.  

He feels empty.  Hollow.  Just like he did that day.  Whenever the day was.  Back in the Spring-maybe of third grade.  He pets Cleo.  It helps some.

“That really makes a lot of sense,” Pearl nods.

“It does?” Levi wonders.

“It does.  It would be beyond hard to listen to what anyone says if you’ve got proof in the back of your head of the terrible things that can happen if you don’t.  But I’m gonna tell you something, okay?  And it’s 100% safe if it doesn’t sink in the first time.  Or the second.  Or the third.  Because I’ll keep telling you.”

“Okay,” Levi says, wary.  “What?”

“You are not in trouble.  We all love you.  The S’mores are not a trap,” Pearl explains.  Her voice sounds so gentle.  So patient.  So nothing like her mom.

“Can you tell me that in a hug?” Levi asks, hesitant.

Pearl nods and opens her arms.  Cleo climbs from Levi’s lap to Pearl’s.  And Levi leans into the embrace.  Even better, Pearl seems to realize slowing down might help.  She shares each sentence one at a time.  She repeats that he is not in trouble softly, gently, rocking him a little.

“I’m not?” he asks finally.

“What did you hear?” she asks, like she’d love to know.  Like she cares about that stuff.  Like she’s interested.

“I’m not in trouble for not listening?” Levi repeats.

“Yes.  You are not in trouble for not listening.” Pearl insists like she loves him a ton.  “We all love you,” she tells him next, repeating it calmly until he checks with her about that, too.

“But she didn’t?  Right?  Your mom?” Levi asks.  “She didn’t love me and that’s why she could hurt me.  Because you don’t hurt people you love like that…”

“Right.  She didn’t.  But we do.  All of us Avoiders.  We love you.  And we don’t hurt people we love like that.  You are absolutely right.”

Levi relaxes a little bit more.

“And the S’mores?  They’re just S’mores.  Regular old S’mores that Dominique and I melted in the microwave in Frank’s cabin.” Pearl tells him, resting her chin on his head.

“Not a trick?” he double checks.

“No, the S’mores are not a trick,” Pearl tells him.  “You can know that’s true, because you are not in trouble for not listening.  And most of all because we love you.  Tricking people hurts them.  And we don’t hurt people we love,” she explains.

“I think this helps it get in,” Levi admits softly.  Feeling weirdly okay in the long, loose hug Pearl’s giving him.

“I’m glad.” Pearl tells him.

“Thanks for noticing...you know...that I needed a break…” Levi tells her, finally pulling away and wiping his eyes.

“Of course.  I always want to notice when you’re not okay, Levi.  I know I haven’t done a good job of it so far, but I meant what I said about becoming a safe person for you.  I’m gonna keep working on it.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Levi tells her. “Your reaction now is way different than with the cookies…”

“Yes, that was not my finest moment…” Pearl comments ruefully.  “I’ve learned a lot since then.  And I hope to prove it’s sticking for me.”

“Um...now that we’re face to face...is it okay if I tell you again that I don’t blame you...about any of what she did…?” Levi ventures.

He doesn’t miss it when Pearl’s gaze shifts.  When she goes from looking Levi in the eye to looking over his head slightly.

“You can say it…” Pearl manages, clearing her own throat.

Levi hears the unspoken: but that doesn’t mean I’ll believe it.  Still, Levi says it again, aware of just how many times Pearl had to repeat that the S’mores weren’t a trick and he wasn’t in trouble.  That Levi was loved.  Before he could even start to believe her.

“I don’t, Pearl.  I never have,” Levi tells her seriously.  

“Maybe you should.  Of all people, I should’ve known about her.  I should’ve been there.  How can you live with a person for over 20 years and not suspect…?”

“Because people are really good at pretending,” Levi tells her.  “Really good.”

“I wish it never happened,” Pearl says, her voice heavy.

“To either of us,” Levi nods.

They’re silent for a while, before Levi suggests going back inside.  Admits he really does want a S’more. But kinda hopes the perfect stack is messed up by now, or maybe there’s one left they saved for him.

Levi takes a deep breath and walks back inside.  The S’mores plate just has crumbs on it now, and he sits down, dejected.  Pearl hangs around near him.

“Is it okay if I make you a fresh one?  Bring it over for you?” she asks.

Levi glances at her, surprised.  “Sure.  I mean, if you want.  Sorry for bailing,” he apologizes to the table.

“Hey, we all gotta bail sometime,” Jesus comments easily.

Levi finds himself waiting to say more until Pearl comes back by him and drops off a fresh S’more on a paper plate.  She has another for herself, which Cleo really wants.

“So...Francesca...you had a trauma question?” Levi checks.

“I don’t have to ask if it’ll upset you…” she concedes.

“Can I hear it?  And then decide?” he asks.

“Okay,” Francesca takes a deep breath.  “I know it’s none of my business...but you said Pearl’s mom made you cookies that were a trick.  And Pearl, you said how your mom made you cook a whole dinner when you were just a kid.  And that’s the same thing the bad guy did to Jesus.  So...did Pearl’s mom...like...is she...your trauma, I guess?”

Solemnly, Levi nods, taking a bite of the S’more.  “I don’t feel comfortable saying more than that...except that Pearl was moved out.  So she didn’t know about it.  It wasn’t on her, you know, what her mom did.”

“Because we all make our own choices,” Francesca nods.  “Okay, I was just wondering if she’s an unsafe person.  ‘Cause she kinda seemed like it when she was yelling at Pearl that one day.  No offense, Pearl.”

“None taken,” Pearl reassures.  “My mother is definitely an unsafe person.”  Levi watches as Pearl tips her chin.  “It’s time people knew that about her, rather than believing the image she projects.”

“What’s that mean?” Francesca asks.

“It means she’s not a good mom...but she wants people to think she is.  And people believe her.”

“But what about Levi?  People should believe him.” Francesca insists, confused and angry at the injustice.

“Well, we do believe him, don’t we?” Pearl asks.  “That’s six people right there who know the truth about her.  Who believe Levi.”

Pearl meets his eyes.  Nods.

Levi nods back, tears shining in his eyes.

[chaotickidcat]

true...but what if your such white fucking trash garbage and do not deserve her? And that you know that your such a piece of shit and no one deserves you or the BS. So how can somebody love a piece of shit not worth anything but shit 24/7. Would love to change and that for a while now. I stopped coke and porn and would love to fully stop drinking and smoking but I simply can't I need help and willing to accept help since i really would love to change and make her happy she deserves to be happy every minute of the day. And even if the whole fucking Internet hates me I acctually do not give a shit about your diss Orgy here. I Love her...and I really do ! Ok true Boobs are negotiable and if you realy love your wife you woulden't want her to run around with 2160cc.. but I admid I love big tits the bigger the better. I do not understand the problem here and that the WWW is trying to make me feel guilty. I see it this way I respect everybody's sexual Orientation if Gay Trans what so ever! You can have your little 19 years old boyfirend with 65 who cares...! (not ok with pedos though) you can have objectophilia and love the Busstation or your favorite tree or your VIBE. I think if I can bring up the respect and the tolerance so can you and I do not think it's asked to much if you expect something from me to at least give the same in return. I admid I love her breast... there are countless Men out there who dream of having such a wife. I NEVER FORCED her to do this NEVER ! I said I cold live with it and also without since we got a TON of PORNStars out there in the WEB. No my wife said she is not happy that I watch porn sometimes and I admid the truth the whole coke was messing this up big time aswell..true. I asked her since several weeks if she really wants to spend that cash on the tits. I said lets do your USA trip instead and if you feel like doing your boobs we can see Dr Revis and than still have more than 1/2 of the cash we spend on Dr Plovier. My wife was telling me she had pain in hr right breast so an OP was acctually inevitable. I asked her if she would like to reduce her breast instead..she said no. She even insisted and said I love em and I am used to them it would feel like she would miss something. So we decided together so see Dr Plovier since he is europes leading expert in this field of expertise. She decided to go and even came up with nearly 18.000 euros we spend on that trip and I have my doubts where the money came from. Now I acctually even refused going and said we should not do that its too much money. I love you with or with out tits and I really do. Some dreams shoud simply stay dreams. I even refused to go with her to Belgium and said let's not do it and if you still want to go on your own than take your friend mdm Garcia with you fo rtranslating. I even offerd her to take care of all her expenses if she would go. This totally broke out into a serious discussion. I said I prefer you to stay the way you are now than having all the men in this World trying to take you from me. I do not wanted to loose her. Though I admid I said... since your always complaining about housework and me gaming she would have the perfect Arguments do anything she asked me for and I mean who the fuck would want to play  Sony Playstation or WOW if she says .. hunney please could you ..Hell I would and I would run. Yes. So now after the Surgery. I asked her everyday like at least several hundred times if she is ok if she can handle it because if not we are still in Belgium and he can do them smaller. I seriously did evryday. I said we can call the Surgens office and simply decrese the volume since that is perfectly do able with expanders thats what they are made for. If too big you can simply decrese volume within in minutes with no further surgery. She denied the whole week. and she really did not want to. I admid I feelt a bit guilty but I was also totally hyped by her breasts and let my self a bit go on Twitter but I asked her if she is ok with it she said yes. And well She got me there with you guys for the 1k likes eventhough that no number compared to pine subs and Likes and views. I married her at the time in a real bad situation it was raining ... really pooring shit down on us from her ex for nearly 6 years. The Kids have been traumatised and that far far more that what ever you guy's say I did. I mean there father pushed it so far that they had to go into Childcustody and that was not because of me! I was not parrent yet ... I was simply ..voila... there you go now handle it! I had no fucking clue about parenting at the time and tryed to help and that made things even worse. But when ever I had to take the fall for her due to her Ex italien boyfriend (and boy! they can be far more exhausting than any White trash Daddy on this planet AMEN.) The Kids are not easy aswell and every week for over years.. seriously years I had to start over bulding up the relationship to them. Again and again and again...rinse and repeat and I did. Usually you grow into parenting and you're usually not just getting haveing 4 Kids and everything instantly but I love her and said I do my best and try hard. That's all I was able to do . I really meant it in a good way and wanted to help her since 4 Kids for singel mother is very though to handle.     Now my wife wished for Persephone another child it was the deepest wish from her heart...so I gave in to do the artificial fertilization procedure several times aswell. No husband who loves his wife woud say no to her biggest wish from her heart. Right?! So now I was really excited and also shit scared and paniced a couple of times..true. But I was at one point not able to cope with the whole situation anymore. Now... when I moved in with her I stopped coke at the time coz of her kids..thats true..but it's stilla major brainfuck sometimes if this little voice inside of you talks to you. So I did not even know anybody to get it from in the new town  I moved in with her . I swear its the truth since I really wanted to help her and really loved her and if I have to climb down the biggest Swiss Mountain in Town for her.. I would do it and litterally did it... and I would do it again. Anytime. So now the Mountain I am facing at the moment is bigger than anything else I had to handle before and I will take time... I am incapeable to change over night eventhough I wished I could. My depressions and my my constant fear to loose her just is totally messed up and emotionally its a hard fight with myself. Love is worse than drugs sometimes I makes you do things you probably would never do otherwise. And due to my emotional disorder (hey everbody got his handycap at one point so dont give me shit for that please. I was born with this disorder I did not choose to have it. Now I am not really sure if I should thank the Internet for this wake up call or give in into my depressions again. I am not sure yet I will have to sleep over it. So now since she removed the Implants and you have Posted the Photos... Now I would like to know one last thing?! If she already had a new Boyfriend and he moved in with her since a couple of month and lives with her.. than why the hell did she do the augmentation and She new exactly what she was doing. She could have said no. She could have at any given time tell the nurses or Dr Plovier that she would only like to minimal increase of even dercease since she was complaining about pain in her chest. Now the pain in her chest did not come from the implants themselfs... DR Plovier told me we where lucky to come and see him since if it would have gotten worse she would have lost her breast and this is due to cheap surgery done in Serbia. And hell believe me ... I was totally not ok with serbia since she wanted to do the T cut and that would def. made her unhappy in long term: I mean its about beeing well and feeling better and butcher her Breast in a Warzone Sugery room form the beginning 80's. SHe wanted and insisted to do it since it was affordable and her friend Dijana was with that surgeon aswell. She really insited to do it with me or without me. That's the response I got from her at the time. I really want to set things straight here .. I have never forced anything... it was her desicion and she wanted to do it and even got this hughe amount of money for it. Me and my hardcore Alcoholic Prof. friend both told her... to do the USA trip instead she always wished for and we take the kids along and stay a couple of weeks. It would fullfill her 2nd biggest dream after Persephone. So as I mentioned before... i would never say no to her dreams and always support them. Since you shoud live your dreams right?! Both the Prof and her argued that ist not possible with covid to travel through the US and my wife wanted to go to Belgium. I repeat never ever forced anything or her to do anything she is not ok with. I am a piece of shit yes and do not deserve her yes but eventhough I got Limits. Very hard for you guys to undderstand that now and to believe but it's the truth. So now... since the Situation is clear and she already lives with her new boyfriend since month and left me piece of scumbag Whitetrash and with your Super Internet pintree fiasco Shitstorm or let's call it Whitetrashstorm and..though yes I appreciate your help and the fucking wake up call bell you guys just simply smashed down on my head.. which I agree I totally deserve... But since this country is smaller than and has less Citizens than ANY of your Pinetree accounts you so surepass the 8million views and I am Nationwide Nr 2 BIGGEST LOOSER WHITETRASH Example exisiting now besides the Ideot who did the Swiss Porn Snychornisation... I will not find a Job that easy anymore. So since chris clun did brillant work... a bit exagurated at times but it's still funny and yes ..I really translated all the 1600 videos.. I really did. So now the whole World tells me to move my ass..I can not afford going back to IT school eventhough I would really want to graduate and I know that I am capable to do it .. I came untill the Finalexam but did not have the required apprenticeship in an IT comapany and therefore got got accepted with turned out me bing drunk and fucking shit up even worse  and even if my Mother said I have Math problems ..(which I acctually do not but simply didn't give a shit in Highschool about Calculus Class) am missing the cash and I will not be able to get a Job in that field that easyl but I will take my chances and try best since I have to come up with child support now and will face a Divorce... So now hear me cry... LOUD! I lost my CHILD (this hurts me very badly and giving birth to a 5 child to grow up with out Father was my greates fear ..Since I really did not have an trational Dad aswell..teaching you how to drill or see you play at a golf tournament. Or give me the needed drill..and holy shit yes.. he maybe should have kicked my lazzy ass HARDER !!! But unfortuneatly I had no opputunity and not the Luck and yes fucked up childhood. My father was working to provide my Mother the most Luxury lifestyle ever ! My Mother lived a Life back in the day shoud would have been most famous Instagram HIgh socity lady exisiting and it was easyier so send me to bording school with emotinal disorder in an Bording School and the only currency  in that Private School at that time was cocain and bitches.(Danke Ari das Du mich mit diesem scheiss Zeug angesteckt hast) The ritch Russian guy's where the only Opportunity to tripple my pocket money at the time wich was moderate but not exaggurated. I mean 100 bucks Week in Switzerland is like nothing. I could barely pay my Cigarrets with this money but no chance for out of plan Socialactivity like spending time with School friends in a Pub if I could not afford my Pepsi. Furhtermoe I would like to mention that I never drunk Alcohol not even wine or beer or whats so ever untill my 30th Brithday. My parents know that ! It all started with my Prof totally loosing it with his wife at the time and bascially lived with me for nearly 1 year, he simplay always was around. And he startet to drink exessively and since I concidered him my best friend at the time.. I played along to not let my only bro down. So now this drinking smoking and coking up to help him since he was a total wrack at the time.. useless unable to work things even got worse not able sitt straigh beeing so brainfucked by his Wife.. it was simply overkill for him. Now the drinking becaume somehow slightly and unknowingly a habit..it kind of sneaked in our lives without us even really realising and that's really bad because its not easy to to quit an habit once it's becamme a comman standard. I alwys feelt guilty for him to be honest and last Week when he came over for a visit he was drunk with in 15min I mean totally not even able to hold an conversation and man ..thats so sad. You did not see your friend for a while and are not able to talk with him its like instant drunk and usually he hurst himself in that state or passed out in the wild some where and that hurts me. Really it does. I seriously do not drink if he comes for a visit to be prepaired for the wort csae scenario. My Wife knows that.   I lost my family !!! I lost the Love of my Life !!! and I Lost my dignety and my life in Switzerland. I lost all my friends!!! I am Isolated due to beeing a piece of shit !!! Eventhough... I still resisted to take any drugs today since I kinda feelt shit is coming GREAT AGAIN. And my Fear of loosing her and my familiy made me really jealouse and jealousy... drives me sheer mad...insane. It's the most difficult Emotion for me to handle and the more I tried so set things in the right way again and fought for her Love the more it seperated us. And I am not able to handle this like apperently the wohle fucking World can and is soo easy .. but for me ..it is not. It's the hardest thing ever since that's what triggers my Voice telling me do return to old bad habits. It is a vicious cicle and is the most powerfull Deamon inside of me to fight with. NOW .. THE WHOLE FUCKING WEB tells me to move my bloody whitetrash ass and...just do it... But with the Divorce and the emotional stress coming with it.. again is the perfect condition again to drop back into old habits. It's very hard to break this Cicle and will be extremly challenging and will have serious side effects but who cares I am totally fucked up a bit more or less will not matter in my condition at the moment...right?! Emotionally I seriously doubt that I can change over or the next couple of weeks. I will though offically promise to do my best and try as hard as I can to work on me and my whitetrashflixmyvista little white Kartoffel boy ass and already made a little progress it's not much but hey..you got to take the first Step and everything starts with the first Step. Now please ...tell me why did my wife do the Surgery if she did not wanted to do it and already lives with a new Boyfriend together since month wihtou me knowing, We could have spared us the money and all the emotinal bullshit and this Shitstorm. all the lies and all furious outbreaks beeing scared to loose her... since hope dies last right? Maybe the situation would not be that fucked up as it is now. And my child growing up with a different dad.. I wish her and my child and her familie all the best and really hope that she finally get a good man who is capable of what i am sheer uncapable. My Exwife deserves it. The only thing I ASK TO YOU ALL... are 2 things... 1) Please tell my daughter that her Father really loves her and it's not her fault. And that I am very very sorry form the deepest bottom of my heart. I will never be able to make this up to her so please give my wife an helping hand and my Child. and 2) Guy's  I know I have to change myself and work hard on me and I know nobody can do this for me...but eventhough the WHOLE WEB hates me knwo and I am branded as Whitetrashdaddy world wide NR 1 (which is accutally quite a title compared to couple of rednecks and Hillbillys out there) I would appreciate a little help here. Yes flame me destroy my Life even more than I did untill now... But I really want to change but I could use a helping hand here...and hey no matter my mistaked and how hard they are... even me the biggest European Whitetrash Kartoffel piece of shit dirtbag...deserves a 2nd chance to set things straight and to be able to pay my child support. She at least ... deserves it. Now I am very sorry and I am very touched and hey thank you for the wakeup call..extrem people need extrem measures right. I hope that at least partially all of you in the WEB and my Exwife can forgive me.. I never had bad intensions towards her or any of you. For those you can not forgive me...fuck you !!! 2160xtimes !!! Do your meams... and do what you got to do and flood the net with my pathetic letter here. Do what you got to do...I deserve it and will take it like a man. But please be moderate and keep my disorder in your thoughts...please do not push it that far that I will do something incredible stupid. My child deserves a Father eventhough if I am shit and incapeble at the moment. I keep faith in that one day I will be able to be a good Father for her. Now thank you all for your time reading this. And hey I've ever somebody is willing to writ a book about how Hardcore Swiss Pirvate Bording Schools have been thoughtout the 90's..let me know I got stroy's to tell better than any Hollywood movie. The crazziest shit always happens in real life any maybe it's good warning for Parents to rethink and not do the same mistakes my Parents did. Thank you.