#in search of our better selves

[atomiqueen]

a mad max au starter for @radiaking

        She's sitting vigil with Capable over Furiosa's resting form when she feels his eyes on her from the doorway. Lucy turns, rising with a smile, then hesitates. In her current condition and state of dress, it is quite obvious that she is not what she had presented herself to be. She looks to Capable, nods, then crosses to take him by the arm and lead him from Furiosa's room to a quiet corner. Once there, she takes his hand in hers and presses his palm to her cheek, closing her eyes. She had thought she would never see him again.

[wulfhalls]

Where must we go, we who wander this wasteland, in search of our better selves?

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) dir. George Miller

[johnbrand]

Loyal

With @mrrharper

I can not recall what started it really, there was just something off. Almost like a persistent tick within the back of my head, a missed alarm that somebody had forgotten to address from far away, and yet was still just barely registerable on my radar. It was like I was the only one that heard it, felt it, knew this tiny thing even existed. I was all alone.

When I had first come to college, I had no idea what to expect. The whole atmosphere had changed since the pandemic; competition was everywhere. I was no longer “smart enough” for the STEM kids, and yet I was not “passionate enough” to join any special interest groups. Everything had suddenly become a challenge to be the best, the greatest, but my background was not built for that type of drive. I began to assume college was only for my peers ready to commit everything to reaching the practically unattainable.

But Coach saw something different in me, he saw potential. He was the one who got me to stay. He was the only one who not only saw my tick when no one else had been able to, but explained it to me. He believed that the culture around education had become too individualistic, too single-minded. It was appropriate that I had suddenly felt inferior, unnoticed and left behind in the slaughter others had created. I needed to be a part of something greater, a team. His team.

At first, I had found Coach’s opinions beyond ludacris. Me? In sports? My body practically lacked everything necessary for a college athlete, unless it was in e-sports. I maintained my health fairly well, but I was toned and skinny, and practically too short for any serious competition. The only sport I could have seriously considered was swimming junior varsity–at a high school level. But soon I learned that Coach's opinion was law in his territory, from the locker room to the field.

Coach decided to tackle the standard issues right away, knowing that at the base of every great player is dedication. His questions opened up my formerly firm mindset and ideals, offering up new possibilities.

“Is it truly impossible for you to believe that I, an experienced professional, would not be able to help you discover a greater purpose as one of my players?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be a part of a team, a successful unit, rather than having to navigate the world on your own?”

“Do you really need to focus on other things outside of our work together? Are classes, friends, and family truly improving you like our time in the gym and on the field are?”

I did not realize it, but the more Coach questioned my morals, the more my mind began internalizing his. Coach believed that his players were all like the states in the mighty “US of A,” the greatest place on Earth. Separate, we had some power and identity, but nothing of significance. But together, as a part of a greater cause, we could become something much more impactful, more important, than our individual selves.

“If you become a part of my team, then wouldn’t it be more meaningful to be a player both in mind and body?”

“Perhaps your feelings of inadequacy aren’t stemmed from your lack of participation in college, but in general. Wouldn’t you feel more fulfilled if you followed a greater cause, like the traditional role of men in society?”

“Don’t you think what you are searching for is something to uphold? Maybe at large it is masculinity, but at a personal level supporting your teammates and likewise supporting me?”

Thanks to Coach’s help, I began to reprioritize my schedule, in turn reorganizing my life. With his approval, I was able to weed out some of the classes that were hindering my performance to become a better player, before I eventually stopped attending lectures all together. It was much easier to listen to Coach anyway, and he promised he would provide me with all the materials necessary in order to graduate. 

With my time freed up, I was better able to absorb Coach’s teachings at a rapid rate. My body quickly started to expand, packing on muscle in the weeks following faster than I thought was possible. It was as if every week I had to purchase new clothes, before eventually Coach began supplying me with past players’ hand-me-downs. My biceps and triceps became too large for any sleeve, my thighs would practically rip through every pants seam. It was not long before I was practically forced to endless sleeveless tanks and tight shorts. I even managed to gain height although I was past the prime of puberty, reaching an appropriate 6’3 for any linebacker.

That was what Coach said I was to become. Not any linebacker, his linebacker. When he first told me his plans, I had been shocked, but soon I began to instinctually follow his orders. Eventually, he stopped calling me by my name altogether; I had been reduced to “Linebacker #1!” in all his references.

Strangely enough, it was like my body responded to this new name accordingly. My boyish features almost vanished over the course of a day, leaving behind a wide jawline to support a much broader skull. My general hygiene fell backwards in priority, allowing for hair to cover my beefier frame and a manly mustache to crawl out onto my upper lip.

I had even begun to emit a sweat-induced, locker room musk wherever I went, although after a while I lost any embarrassment in it. In fact, I took some pride in my larger figure. I soon weighed over 230 pounds of pure girth, muscle, and mass that helped me pummel my opponents on the field. There was something so invigorating about being large and in charge…while still being under Coach’s orders.

“What if your purpose all along was to play football for glory and to preserve tradition? And was I not the one who helped you discover that purpose?”

“Why would you possibly want or need anything else from outside of the field? Aren’t you at your best when you are a part of my team, a piece of a larger puzzle?”

“Wasn’t the only thing you ever wanted all along was to be Coach's loyal football jock? A place where you can be your biggest, most masculine, most aggressive self without ever having to worry about anything else?”

By the time preparations for the next season began to roll around, I had stopped questioning Coach. I had realized that he was right, that he had been right all along and would remain as such. I was no longer considering his viewpoints, now merely just thanking him for them. I had begun coming to Coach for advice on any topic. Should I be worried about my dropping grades? Is it ok to get physical with nerds who insisted that the team was “a bunch of stupid pawns”? How could I be a better player for the team, his team?

And now, I was strutting around the conference room filled with reporters and many other beefy, aggressive jocks just like myself. I was feeling proud, cocky, arrogant even. Since joining his team, I had gained strength, girth, and attitude, all of which had earned me the title as the up-and-coming star collegiate linebacker. I did not need anything besides my masculinity, I did not need an identity outside of Coach’s team. I was simply his loyal football jock, and when I heard him call out for “Linebacker #1!” I immediately turned around. That was my name after all; whatever I was called had been long forgotten.

[drrav3nb]

Where must we go... we who wander this Wasteland in search of our better selves?" -The First History Man

[flying-fangirls]

Thinking about how so many characters in Malevolent have this overarching goal of reaching their "best self," whatever that means to each of them.

Thinking about how some of them fail to ever reach the self they yearn for. Kayne tears through every universe, sees every possibility and alternative, and he hates every single version of himself that he finds. He kills himself, over and over, desperately trying to erase all the parts of him that aren't good enough. He cuts off each and every piece that he hates until all of "him" is gone, but the hate is still there. So he keeps searching for something that will magically make him the "best" version of Kayne, and he lives every second scared and angry, hating all the broken "Kaynes" that he wants to forget but can't ever get out of his own head.

Yellow catches himself between two opposing ideas of himself, and he equally despises both. He wants to explore humanity, to slowly learn about and grow into love and connection. But Arthur strangles that piece of curiosity and love inside him. Then Larson convinces him that he wants to become the King, to control and hate. But Yellow is scared of that identity, and he's not even sure if that's ever been or ever will be "him." He looks at Yellow and the King— two "better" versions of himself, and he hates them both. So he tries to push them both away in fear and disgust, only to find himself entangled in an ugly mess of too many identities and no identity and confusion and resentment and hate for everything that is "him."

Thinking about how some of them do find their better selves, or at least find the path toward them. Arthur spends years purposely running further and further from himself because he's convinced that if he runs far enough, he'll forget "Arthur" and completely replace him with someone better. But it doesn't work, and he only falls deeper into the parts of himself he hates the most. Until John grabs Arthur's hand and forces him to stand still, to turn back around and look at himself in the mirror and see. See the pieces that aren't beyond repair, that only need someone to care about fixing them instead of letting them rust and dissolve.

John holds the parts of himself that he hates like a weapon at first. They're sharp and they're terrifying and it hurts to hold them, but he's scared and confused and at least they are familiar, however much he hates them. Until Lilly and Arthur and humanity show him something new, something kind and soft. And they keep showing him and eventually John learns to find this love familiar too. And he now he can let go of the hate that drove him away from old versions of himself, and replace it with this love that can draw him toward the new "John." And when John has his biggest moment of self-actualization in the Hag's lair, it's the same time that him and Arthur first share their love for each other directly, unhidden and fully accepted.

Thinking about how Malevolent shows that you cannot hate yourself into healing, or growing, or becoming a better version of yourself. That we need understanding and love not just from others, but from ourselves too. That our best self is sitting somewhere in the future and waiting for us to stop reaching out to them with a fearful sneer, and to start reaching out to them with a trusting smile.

[montaguespades]

Narcissists: "Narcissism isn't BAD or EVIL it's an ILLNESS you monster, stop saying bad things about meeeee!!!"

Narccisistic Abuse Survivors:

- Regularly having breakdowns because their trauma resulted in insecure attachment styles that they misconstrue in their own selves as a potential that they're a narcissist, no better than their abuser, doomed to be a monster, etc...

- Regularly wallowing in shame and suffering because their narc abuser will NOT leave their traumatized brains

- Regularly forced to take cocktails of pills and attend Christmas dinner regardless of the true source of their trauma because PTSD is annoying for everyone else

- Regularly invalidated by ignorant people with healthy families because they can't fathom the thought of a parent or partner being that deeply and intentionally malicious for no justifiable reason, or because narcissists put on convincing, charismatic faces in public

- Regularly reduced to shit-tier careers because they can't stand up for themselves in the face of exploitation, or "compete" with others AND handle daily life

- Regularly searching for a new therapist because every single one wants to obfuscate the truth about why their patient is not getting better, but will continue to milk their wallets/insurance regardless

- Regularly told that they should just "get over their issues with their parents" or "move on" without any access to reasonable trauma informed care, and with absolutely no one to talk to outside of that either because most people huffed the copium that "your toxic parents did their best" and shut them down

Narcissists: "Narcissistic abuse isn't REAL you ableist!!! Stop judging a WHOLE demographic for being so abusive that capitalism can't even find a way to profit off of our toxicity! We're SOOOOO sad and lonely, throw us more victims! It's the RIGHT THING TO DO!!!!"

Honestly, who are you people trying to fool, other than yourselves the way you do in the mirror every single day?

[writingsbymo-mo]

Mine Always

Bonten!Rindou x F!Reader

Rating: Mature

Contains: pregnancy, mild sexual themes, language

Contains spoilers for the Tenjiku arc

Note: she/her pronouns are used when referring to your past self at times...and in the little bonus at the end. Keep that in mind before reading 💕

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

"Welcome home, Rindou!" You beamed, planting a kiss on his lips, "did you miss me?" You had a long day sorting through files for Koko. With you being a few months pregnant, you were stuck doing office work for Bonten, not that you minded. Field work was always more enjoyable, especially after many adrenaline induced escapades with Rindou that led to your current situation.

Rindou smiled into the kiss, sneaking a few on the shell of your ear. "Why wouldn't I miss my beautiful pregnant wife?" He cooed, picking you up in his arms. "Come on, it's been a long day for both of us. Let's get some rest."

The city lights illuminated the space just enough to reach the comfort of your shared bed. Gently, he lowered you onto the silk sheets, tucking you in. He's been doing this often the moment your little bump began to show and honestly, you loved it. The bed creaked under his weight as he joined you under the covers. He rolled onto his side, gazing at you fondly, gently wrapping his arms around your form until your back was pressed to his chest. "Can't believe we've been together for over ten years now. And now, we have a little Haitani on the way." His warm hand began rubbing small circles onto your bump as he pressed kisses into the back of your neck.

You gasped, moving your head to give him more access to your neck as a thought came to you. "I wonder how our past selves would react to us now, you know? I mean, you used to have the biggest crush on me according to Ran before we started dating." Rindou scoffed, "of course he told you that...sigh...though he is part of the reason we're here now."

"Aww," you cooed, placing your hand over his, "I guess I'll have to thank him later. Still, I think you'd have the cutest reactions if your past self knew you fucked a baby into me." You giggled as he shook his head with a chuckle. "Alright love, let's go to sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"Yeah, goodnight Rin."

"Goodnight love," he whispered and kissed your neck.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

You awaken to a shrill scream piercing your ears. "Who the fuck are you? How did you get in here? GET OUT!!!!"

You rubbed your eyes and sat up immediately, confused as to what is happening. You fell asleep next to Rindou like always so who is this? Then it hit you, where is he.....

Frantically, you search the room only to find....familiarity? It was your old bedroom. The walls lined with posters of your favorite bands and movies, your computer with your cd tower next to it with a few cases placed at your desk you were given to by Rindou not long after you started dating. You smiled, remembering how excited he was giving you his first copy of remixes and originals to you, wanting your honest feedback after listening to it. It was something you always cherished even into your present time. You couldn't help the soft smile forming on your face as you reminisced your memories with him.

"HEY! Are you even listening?! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"

You snapped out of your thoughts, staring wide-eyed at your past self fuming, holding a bat you used to have before it snapped in half during a fight. Somehow, you stayed calm, sighing as you got a better look at your past self. "I almost forgot I dyed my hair neon pink and blue with a black under color...Ran and Rindou were right though. It was a good look for me," mumbled to yourself, or so you thought. Your younger self clutched the bat tighter, closer to her chest. "H-how...how...what??? What do you mean by "me"?"

You quietly laughed and smiled, "it's just as I said. I am you just about ten years from now."

Her jaw dropped, "so...if you're me...then who knocks me up in the future?" She said as she points to your visible bump.

"You want to know?" She nods at you while your hand caresses your stomach, rubbing it fondly. "Rindou did."

"Y-you mean...we—

"Yes, we fucked."

A huge blush spread across her face. She stepped towards the bed, grabbed the nearest pillow and squealed into it, "ohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

'How cute!' You thought, giggling to yourself. She lifted her head so only her eyes were visible, "is he, you know...big?" You almost choked on your spit, "y-yeah...he's quite thick. The best I've ever had." Then it dawned on you. 'Did Rindou get transported here too? If so, is he at his old place? But what if he isn't?'

"Shit, I'm going to be late!" She jumped to the closet, throwing on her Tenjiku uniform, grabbing her trusty bat then turning her head to you with a smirk, "you coming or not?"

"You know it!" And maybe, just maybe he'll also be there.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

The sun shone bright in the sky as you left Yokohama Station with your past self leading the way. 'Must be one of the executive's meetings before our major battle with Toman,' You concurred given the information gathered from your past self.

A few twists and turns down streets and alleyways, the two of you made it to the abandoned warehouse where the meeting would take place. "It's the same as I remember." The floors were covered in dirt and broken glass, mainly by the windows. More people in red coats arrived shortly after your arrival: Mochi, Shion, Koko, Hanma, Kisaki, and Muto. One of them approached you, eyeing your figure as he licked his lips.

"Oi, Rindou's girl, who's the pregnant babe?"

"Shut it Hanma, she's taken!" Your past self barked. "Besides, she's me."

"The fuck?!" Hanma, Shion, and Mochi yelled in unison. Koko squinted in confusion, clearly thinking the same thing while Muto furrowed his brows. Kisaki stood quietly, unwavered yet bothered by the circumstances. They all stared at you, then at your other self, then back to you. "Well, they both look the same to me," stated Mochi. Shion scoffed, "the pregnant one is clearly better looking."

"I heard that!" Your past self yelled, clenching her fists, stomping towards Shion who shrunk back. You held your arm out in front of her, glaring at him. "I may be pregnant but I can still take you in a fight, Shion. Say that to me again, I dare you," glowered. He held his hands up, laughing nervously to himself. "So then future Rindou's girl, did he knock you up or—"

"I did."

Everyone shifted to the new voice. He stepped forward, hands in his suit pockets with his usual annoyed expression as two young men in black Tenjiku uniforms followed behind him. "Rindou!" You beamed. Your eyes watered a little as you ran to him, jumping in his arms. "I missed you sweetheart," he smiled, pulling you in a tight hug and peppered kisses on your forehead as though he was afraid to lose you again.

"R-Rindou?!" The members of Tenjiku exclaimed, eyes wide with their jaws to the floor.

Ran and past Rindou strolled over to you, the older one placing a hand on your shoulder. "I'm going to be an uncle," he smiled. "Yeah, in ten years," stated your Rindou as he rolled his eyes. "Still, I will be an uncle."

The Rindou from the past couldn't stop himself from looking at his girlfriend to you and your baby bump. Rosey pink filled his cheeks, knowing what he or his future self did with you. "Don't worry yourself too much. Just make sure to take good care of her when the time comes," you winked at him. The tips of his ears turned crimson as he looked away, taking his glasses off to clean them. "Don't tease him too much, love. You know how I was then." You giggled and booped his nose, "and you're still like that Rin-Rin."

"So, I heard we have some unexpected guests joining us. Thanks for the call, Ran"

All members of Tenjiku dropped silent, paying respects to their leader.

"I-Izana..." your eyes began to water as your heart swelled. Of course, he'd still be here. The Toman battle hasn't arrived yet

"Congratulations you two," Izana smiles, "the weather is lovely today, isn't it?"

You nodded, "it's good to see you again."

Kakuchou stood beside Izana, softly gazing at you and Rindou. "It's good to see you're still together."

Seeing everybody filled you and Rindou with joy. You shed a few tears as his thumb wiped them away. "I know we just got here, but we should find a way to get home. No telling what shit is going down with us gone." You sighed, defeated then nodded. He's right. Even if we stay, we don't belong in this time. "Do you know how?" He shrugged, "I'm not sure, but I've heard some of Sanzu's strange mumbling during his highs about time travel...and if I'm right, I need to be behind you."

"You're leaving already? But you just got here..." your past self cried, tackling you into a hug. "At least let me say goodbye first!" You smile, returning it. "Take care of that baby, you hear?" She sniffs. "Don't worry, we will."

Younger Rindou approaches the two of you, unable to look you in the eyes. He awkwardly rubs the back of his neck, still bushing from earlier. "Don't worry, I'll take care of her. And take care of our future child...plea—oof—" Ran drapes an arm over his shoulder and pulls him down with him to reach your eye level. "Take care of yourself and be good to my little nephew when he's born Rin-Rin!" Rindou rolls his eyes, "it's not like yourself from the future doesn't say that every single day," he retorts, though he can't help but smile. Ran nudges his brother under his arm, "and you better take care of your girl."

"Bye you two!"

"See you soon?!"

"Don't make too many crotch goblins!"

You both laughed at the last one.

It was time to go. A heavy sigh escaped you. Rindou circled behind you, wrapping his arms around your waste and nuzzling your neck. "I love you," he muttered, leaving a light peck on your nape.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Light was swallowed in an instant as you found yourself under the covers of familiar silky sheets. You yawned, stretching your limbs with a grunt. 'Was that all a dream? It felt too real.'

A set of arms pulled you closer. You squeaked as he kissed your neck. "Rindou!" You whined. "Shhhh, go back to sleep love," he whispered into your skin, sliding a hand down to caress your stomach. "So it was a dream? Shit...," you covered your face with your hands as sorrow washed over you.

"A dream?"

You nodded.

"When we saw our past selves and all of Tenjiku again?"

You tensed as your eyes popped open. "It wasn't a dream?! Oh thank god I'm not crazy," you sighed in relief.

Rindou shifted, straddling over you, beaming down at you like he's viewing the finest piece of art. He trails kisses from your Bonten tattoo over your right breast up to your lips, smiling with every smooch. "To prove it, I'm going to take good care of you and our baby."

"I know you will Rin."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Rindou awakens with a hard punch to the gut. "Cough, cough...the fuck was that for love?!" He sits up, ready to find you angry at him for whatever reason, but was met with a familiar face with a set of round glasses scowling at him.

"You better fucking get out if you know what's good for you. Or you won't be seeing this "love" of yours ever again!" He yelled.

Yawn "Rindou, keep it down! I need to get my nap in before the meeting—the fuck?! Why are there two of you in here...?"

Younger Rindou snapped his head at his older self, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt to see a matching tattoo only his brother and himself have. "What...the...hell?!!" His eyes widened, completely stunned. Never in his life did he ever think this to happen. This was something that only happens in movies.

Rindou clutched his abdomen, hissing from his younger self's gut punch. "Ok, here's the deal. I don't know how or why I got here. All I know is I need some painkillers and to get back to my pregnant wife."

"Wait...I-I'm married?" He gasped, stumbling in his steps.

"You're married and your wife is pregnant?!!"

Rindou nodded and crossed his arms. "Been with her for over ten years. You'll know who she is when you see her."

Ran's grumpy demeanor vanished at the whole revelation. He rushed over and squeezed Rindou in his arms. "I can't believe I'll be an uncle one day!"

Younger Rindou stood in the corner, thinking about who his future wife is considering he knows her. "Wait...is it—"

"Yes, it's her. She's the best woman a man could have."

"Well Rin-Rin, I was right to nudge you two together."

"Shut up Ran..."

[seraphiism]

𓆩 ღ 𓆪 𝐢𝐝𝐲𝐥𝐥

( UNTIL OUR SHATTERED SELVES ONCE AGAIN COLLIDE )

chara : alhaitham fandom : genshin impact quote cr : vampire: the masquerade a/n : gender neutral reader ; reader and alhaitham have kids

one. the first time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is entirely coincidental. the first time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is also entirely uncomfortable for both of you, unfortunately.

you do not expect to encounter the infamous scribe, his identity shrouded in mystery and all things intimidating. how easily he manages to slip through everyone's grasp, baffle even the most knowledgeable of researchers and send them into an existential crisis on his whereabouts. so when you hear that it's his birthday ( you also wonder how anyone found out ), you don't think much of it, not really, because how many times have you actually seen alhaitham? like once. for two seconds.

( you will be honest. you thought he was very handsome in the few moments you managed to see him. )

it happens when you seek refuge from the overwhelming projects and ideas that occupy your thoughts, desperate in search of peace and quiet. you open the door to the most obscure room known to man, and there he is.

he's quick to notice you, book in hand as his sharp gaze meets your disoriented and confused one. it is very quiet. you do not think this is the quiet you wanted.

some ( definitely not you, though ) might even say this is worse.

you have many thoughts : one: is this where he always hides? two: is he working right now? or is he just leisurely reading? three: this is very awkward. you are not sure what to say. should you introduce yourself? should you leave, wordless, hope you never see him again for the sake of preserving what little pride and dignity remain?

anyway, between all those ideas and the complete apathy in his visage, you don't come up with a coherent plan. so what do you do?

"i, uh--" you clear your throat loudly, uncertain. "happy birthday?"

you think you might see a moment of amusement grace his features-- you're not sure, too occupied with the heat that rushes to your face in embarrassment.

the first time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is what you also hope to be the last time.

( surprise : it's not. )

two. the second time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is a little better than the previous time. yes, you see him more often now, might even consider him an acquaintance of some sort, but something about your foolishness in that initial impression makes you want to fling yourself into the sun and void simultaneously.

"it was a good birthday present." he says, once again in another hiding spot that you've somehow managed to find. "i enjoyed it."

you think back to a year ago, mind running blank. you most certainly came empty handed.

"what? me saying happy birthday?"

he pauses, looks up and stares blankly at you before you see the slightest hint of a smirk dance across his lips.

"your embarrassment. it was an amusing present."

you stare back, also blank.

no, you are no longer acquaintances with him. you do not care if it took a whole year to even get to this point in your odd friendship. you think he is annoying.

the smirk seems to grow with every moment of silence.

also, you hate him now.

"i am simply so honored," you start, offering him the usual coffee, "that i could be so hilarious."

"you should be. few could compare."

you retract your hand, pull the drink out of his reach at the last minute. he simply raises a brow, expectant, waiting. you maintain eye contact for about five seconds, yet somehow, it feels much too longer. you sigh, feign annoyance in admittance of defeat, and give him the drink.

"happy birthday, dearest feeble scribe."

three. the third time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is a bit different.

he's surprisingly easy to find-- for you, at least, and you are not sure if that's because he lets you find him or if it's something higher that binds you together. but today, you search and search and search, even desperate enough to ask around, knowing very well that you will not find the answer you desire. there is no sign of him. you pop into his office, see everyone's documents left untouched on his desk.

it's weird-- it is, this foreign semblance of anxiety that brews unrest in your lungs. you don't think it's a big deal because it's not, but in the three years you have known him, you've yet to struggle with seeking out his presence.

you take a deep breath, fingers tapping nervously on the gift box in hand. inside there is a book alhaitham has told you about numerous times, expressed interest in yet never managed to find despite his efforts. that was very much a long time ago, so you hope that he'll still enjoy it.

you pause, feel hesitation sink into the pit of your stomach. it is very heavy.

maybe he's already read it, though. that's probably the case, isn't it? surely it must be, given his habit of carrying a book around like it is his own heart.

one, two, three-- you drum your fingers against the box once more, inhale, exhale. you contemplate leaving it on his desk, contemplate just forgetting it entirely, pretend you didn't try to get him a silly gift.

but when you turn around, he stands before you, staring at you with a newfound curiosity. you are not sure what this relief is-- the release of tension wrapped around your chest, the pressure that dissipates in the mere seconds you catch sight of him.

"oh," he starts, approaching you with an ease he does not feel with anyone else, "i found you this time."

you think you'll exchange the usual banter, give him trouble for being so difficult to locate. but instead, you let out a long sigh, find that your heart will not allow you to do so.

"yes, alhaitham," and you cannot describe the blithe smile that finds its way to his lips as you hand him the gift, "you found me."

there is something different in the air ; a tenderness , an unknown, but there is something so wonderfully gentle in the space you share, and neither of you know what to make of that.

four. the fourth time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is the one you think you will remember the most.

you cannot describe this flux & flow that exists between two beings : one seemingly indifferent yet full of intrigue and so entirely human, another that perhaps feels all too much and knows the heart more than anyone.

you have known him for four years now, strange encounters turned to comfort found in companionship and morning coffees together. but there is a strange shift and stagnancy all at once, the silence turned to something almost uncertain.

what is it, this feeling? you cannot identify it, and perhaps in protection of another, you should not.

no, you are not avoiding alhaitham. you know very well what day it is, know the typical routine of busting into a room, finding him with so little difficulty that it is almost as if you share the same soul, bound and knowing of it all. you are the one who shies away from the world this time, burdened by a heaviness that roots itself in your chest, spreads and wraps itself around the hollows of your ribs. you'll see him later, when you're ready.

you pause, lean your head back against the wall, close your eyes. you almost want to laugh. ready for what? how very foolish this all is.

you do not know how long you remain there, mind running a mile a minute until it exhausts itself, succumbs to slumber.

when you wake, he sits at the table before you, focus put forth into the book he holds. you blink, shake off the grogginess, wonder if you are imagining. a glance at the clock and the surfacing feeling of panic ; an unwanted quiet and a very much familiar scene that played out years ago.

the scribe glances at you, closes the distance quicker than either of you expect. he pulls up a chair before you, wordlessly takes a seat.

there is something unreadable in his countenance yet something that speaks volumes. he leans towards you, almost as if gauging your reaction, but you do not move away.

"you didn't say happy birthday to me."

beneath the weight of the silence, you purse your lips, fail to hold back your laughter, pat his knee gently in apology.

"you're too intense, birthday boy. i thought something was wrong."

"you have not said it." his gaze shifts from your eyes to the serene smile on your lips. he stills, wonders how to go about foreign territory. "are you alright?"

the silence returns. you place your hands on his shoulders, hope that this might be enough for now.

"sorry, sorry. happy birthday, alhaitham."

"you aren't answering."

the gentle expression you wield turns into one of reluctance, of something troubled and unbearably torn. something burns in your chest, but you will not call it love, even if there is a yearning that is not meant to be kept at bay, even if you've known that's what it was this whole time. you won't call it that because it doesn't really mean anything, not really, not when you are too cowardly to act upon it.

you want to excuse yourself, pull your hands back, but he grabs your wrists, reverent.

"i would like to know," his thumbs ghost over your skin, encouraging, "please."

it burns so terribly much, this cruelty that beats in your chest. the words of confession threaten to choke you, but you can no longer swallow them. it burns. your eyes sting.

you are so cowardly.

"i'm not alright." you begin, throw caution to the wind, feel the tears trail down your face as he wipes them away with a touch so tender that perhaps they spill even faster. what does it matter anymore? you cannot choose to live with this, unheard, unknown. what does it matter? "what am i supposed to do with all this love, alhaitham?"

his fingers trace your skin, delicate, before his hand cups your cheek. still, he does not say anything ; you wonder if you should prepare yourself for the heartbreak.

"you found me four years ago. do you remember that?"

"yeah. it was embarrassing."

"for you, yes."

"alhaitham."

"the point is," he clears his throat, "you've always managed to find me ever since then without fail. no one else has done that. i could have moved, found peace somewhere else, yet you somehow became the source of it."

a pause, a lingering hesitance.

"i would like to be with you," he tells you, closes the gap that separates you even more than you thought possible, "if you'll have me."

you swat his shoulder lightly, feel your face burn up. you didn't think he was capable of being so cheesy.

"now you're the embarrassing one."

"i'm not the one crying. answer."

you wipe your tears away, very sure you are the epitome of a mess, but alhaitham waits patiently.

"fine. i will have you."

"thank you." he chuckles at your tone, knows it is a contrast to what you truly feel. "what a touching sentiment."

you roll your eyes, cast a half-hearted glare in his direction as your arms wrap around his neck. you pull him close, hope to remember the way he looks at you so softly. he hugs you, warm, and you hope that he doesn't point out that your tears return tenfold.

"happy birthday, alhaitham."

five. the fifth time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is the first time he slips a ring on your finger.

"you're crying again."

you rub your eyes a little too aggressively, minding the cool metal that's found a home in the belonging of you. spots weave and in out of your vision, certainly not helping when you start tearing up again once you look at what lies in front of you. there is a hollowed out book that contains a jewelry box, a sight that invokes nostalgia as you realize the book is a story you once cherished very dearly in youth.

"does this mean i'm your birthday present?"

he hums in amusement, kisses you on the temple, then the nose.

"i would ask for a refund, then."

"if you do not think i will throw this ring at your face so fast--"

nine. the ninth time you wish alhaitham a happy birthday is the most chaotic one, you think, and that certainly says something, given the course of your relationship.

you sleep soundly in his arms, the sunlight blessing your skin with orange and yellow hues. you shift ever so slightly, feel him stir in response. he has always been a light sleeper, but you suppose you are now, too, especially with--

"careful." his hold on you tightens, voice deep and heavy with sleep. "the cavalry is coming."

you hear footsteps, rapid, approaching. one, no, two-- and you feel his hand on the small of your back as he presses you just a bit closer as if he could protect you from the impact that is soon to come.

the door busts open -- it is very loud, both of you think, and your children come bustling in, climbing into bed and separating you in an instant.

( alhaitham doesn't know how they do that. he could have an iron grip on you and his kids would overpower him in two seconds. )

he doesn't really know what he hears-- there's a lot going on between the "good morning", "why are you still sleeping?", "wow, you're so old now", and "happy birthday". he groans as his daughter launches herself onto his chest, her laughter bringing a lightness to his heart as she wishes him a happy birthday for the fifth time in about three seconds. your son follows right behind her, the pressure on his chest much heavier.

suddenly he cannot seem to breathe very well.

it's loud. very loud, alhaitham thinks, but hearing his family laugh and seeing your children move away to shower you with kisses makes him feel such a profound tenderness that he did not ever expect to experience. he says his thanks, once or twice, maybe a thousand times, until you manage to get the little ones to prepare the table for breakfast, and then it is quiet once more.

it's almost immediately that he pulls you to his chest again, grateful for too many things that he doesn't ever dare tell you ( because he knows he will not live it down, and besides, you already know ). you laugh, run your fingers through gray locks as you kiss his nose.

"happy birthday, love."

[teridax-the-467th]

Where must we go, we who wander this wasteland, in search of our better selves

[st-ivangeline]

Aromantic talking

Maybe this is just be but I think something that isn't talked about enough is those of us aros who were searching so hard for someone to be the perfect partner, the love of our lives, the person that amatonormativity told us we needed that we end up in abusive relationships. I've never had a romantic relationship where we knew each other for more than a month at maximum. I've talked about this before about myself, I didn't understand that you had to be attracted to someone for it to be a crush not just enjoying the attention, and I wanted to love someone and be loved so bad that I didn't think about those things which landed me in relationships that were coercive sexually, manipulative, and otherwise toxic (I hate using the word toxic it's overused). All that to say, had I been able to break free from amatonormativity earlier and realized I could love myself more and better single than my desperation for someone to be in love with forever maybe I would've avoided some serious trauma. But I don't want to blame myself too much. We live in a world that tells us we have to have a committed, exclusive, romantic relationship and when I was a kid/teen/early twenties I genuinely bought into this lie. It took so much longer to accept being aro because of not wanting to be alone and wanting a partner. These days I'm nonpartnering, I know I'm nonpartnering partially because I'm the trust issues and trauma I've gathered over the years, but I genuinely am happy single. If I could talk to my younger self I would say that you're not broken for not being attracted to your partners. You're not alone you have your supportive family and friends that love you just as much or more than any romantic partner. And chase the dreams that you feel like you can't have with a partner.

I hope any one else who was in a similar position that I was in feels like they can look back and be kind to their younger selves and start on a healing journey. It's not your fault.

Don't tag ace or aroace

[fangerine]

“Where must we go...we who wander this Wasteland in search of our better selves?”

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) dir. George Miller

[atomiqueen]

♔ — memes / accepting!

@furiousredemption said: “it's not the worst injury i've ever seen, but it's pretty bad.”

        The bone in Lucy's right forearm is not quite poking out through the skin, but it does seem to have come pretty close. Broken sometime in the chase away from the Citadel, they have a brief moment now for the treatment of injuries.

        And for mourning the lost.

        It's surreal for Lucy to be surrounded by so many women after spending more than half her life hiding amongst men in the Citadel. One of the elders—the Vuvalini—steps forward and offers to set the bone for her. Lucy swallows thickly, grits her teeth, and holds out her arm knowing it must be done.

        It hurts, too much for her to remain silent through the pain. She cries out sharply and whimpers after, though the Vuvalini woman is gentle while wrapping the break in a makeshift sling.

        “Thank you,” she says to the woman, when the thing is done. Then turning to Furiosa: “And thank you.” They may not be truly safe yet, but they are at least clear of Immortan Joe's hands for now. Furiosa did not have to take her with them. But she did.

[binomech]

this is another long meta post about kim kitsuragi. mostly.

i just talk about shared themes with scott summers (x-men) + matt murdock (daredevil) because 1) i like those characters 2) i really do think they're a good parallel lens -- feel free to engage, or not. i realize the overlapping audience for these three dudes is 0 people as far as i'm aware

i find myself once again haunted by the recurring Themes of the characters that i like and i worry that in my search for intertextual relations i might accidentally tropeify and corner these beloved blorbos into a collection of traits separate from their circumstance and medium. which would be very un-historical-materialist of me. but this is a fandom post, so here's a disclaimer about it.

things that i could have made into a shitty venn diagram graphic but didn't:

they're all repressed assholes

whose repression is so big they're only capable of getting into relationships with people that are mildly to severely psychic

eye-related trauma

their childhood was taken from them

their personal and societal value comes from the ability to enact violence

their moral code is held together with duct tape

scott + kim

here's a quote from uncanny x-men (2013) that haunts me

[WHAT WAS THE REVOLUTION SCOTT?] OUR LAST CHANCE. OKAY? We have nothing left but threats! We fought for them and they hate us! We fought alongside them and they kill our children in the streets! We pack up and move to an island and they destroy it! We move to another island and the fucking avengers storm the fucking beaches. We’re supposed to be the next step in human evolution yet we’ve become an endangered species. We’re everything they are not and we’re a shadow of our former selves. All we have left is threats. The threat of revolution. The threat of a fight we hope they dont want. So, yes, I got in front of any camera that would show my face and I looked their world in the eye and told them – they better leave us alone. I stood on the bridge of the helicarrier and I threatened them. because nothing. else. has. worked.

thinking about the RCM in le retour as a sort of liberal intermediary between revachol and the coalition being sort of like the x-men mediating between humanity and the mutant brotherhood, and generally how both kim and scott are Finally fucking ready to admit that maybe their own contributions defanged the negotiation. by cooperating with the liberal mediator they took all the leverage the revolutionaries had to liberate all of the mutants/revachol.

i have mentioned before that i think kim's itchy trigger finger is an overcompensation: "if i work hard enough my eyesight won't make me a target. if i have a lethal weapon i can hit back" -- and he's in a permanent state of alert about everything and everyone because he has painted a target on his back (through his enlistment) only to be able to say I Told You So. and then scott being left behind because of his disability denying him control over his own destructive power. both xavier and the RCM recruit with the promise of control and the upper hand and scott and kim, respectively, destroy their sense of self over and over for The Cause because the cause is synonymous with personal worth and safety from their own failings.

user @askaniritual has expressed an idea that i find relevant as well very eloquently:

i think the ppl [Scott] attracts to him tend to be people who like. believe themselves to be monsters and see how hard scott is trying and how much he cares about doing the right thing. and tend to pin all their hopes for salvation onto him. like i think jean and emma and logan all believe that if they follow scott, and if they help him achieve his goals then they'll achieve some sort of partial redemption by association. (...)

kim and scott being isolated from the world, yes, but also from their own desires in their sublimation of their selfhood for the x-men/the RCM = only a mind reader can see my true self = the only self i have is what is reflected to me by the mind reader = the reflection is dehumanizing and it fits poorly into my sense of self = oh god i'm hollow there is no real me

and of course, the obvious reading of Harry as someone who in many ways believes Kim to be a beacon of justice and kindness and in that way dehumanizes him and feeds into the 'my self is an empty hall of mirrors.' but also, I think, different because Harry can come to understand Kim as someone flawed who's trying to do good, breaking the illusion of saintly behavior and pushing through the friction. Maddy is a flawed parallel to Jean, and Harry is a flawed paralel to Ambrosius Saint-Miro: it's their flawed humanity and not the psychic quality that allows for genuine connection.

matthew + kim

[note for the hypothetical daredevil fan reading this: i do not think catholicism is a core of matt's moral code, much like i don't think moralism is at the core of kim's adult morality. i think both of them spent enough under spaces that valued it to realize its limitations which is precisely why they turn to violence-as-a-means and view it like some kind of slightly cringe-but-fond memory. i think the important remainder of its influence lies in their incapacity to reconcile their mistakes with their capacity to do good -- when i say they think of themselves as just, i don't think they believe themselves to be just. i think they are in a sunk cost hellscape where they can't tell themselves anything else unless they want to have an existential crisis.]

the violence of dogma and the alienation from your body due to disability and, in kim's case, race sits at the core of this parallel.

i don't think moralism and christianity have a clear-cut parallel but i think the beliefs that guide them as they do most religions of unity, redemption, collective identity and moral guidelines are blatant traumas for these two.

when matt gets interested in law depends on the timeline just like his sight loss but my timeline of choice is sight loss - law interest - dad death. like sure, yes, you're raised casually catholic and everyone tells you about god's mercy and all-encompassing justice beyond human action and then you get blinded by essentially an OSHA violation.

i don't think that warrants enough of a faith crisis especially when you're like, 12, but certainly it makes you think a little bit about cosmic justice and why me and we could do things better by the book because by the book is the bible and the bible says the world is just and magnanimous thanks to god. and also workplace safety sounds like an extremely good idea right now. so you sink yourself into law as a moral arbiter.

and you start noticing like, hey, uh, my dad is doing some shady business huh -- and you're a 12 year old boy so you go: dad this whole mob bribe thing this whole... selling your body as a weapon. sounds a lot like harlotry to me. and your dad is like. this is the only reason we have enough to eat, ever think about that?

and then he gets killed because he didn't want to be a disappointment to you, because he was also catholic and he did not want to feel guilty for selling his body to survive.

and you're taken into a catholic orphanage so you're mulling this shit over until college. was dad's death divine punishment? is god kind? does god exist? if he doesn't then my dad's death was senseless. if he does my dad's death was cruel. is the universe just? can i make the universe just?

i'm going to gloss over all the Mentor plotlines because they are different depending on the universe and largely irrelevant except for the way they all have the 'give matt moral OCD' common denominator.

now imagine kim kitsuragi in a potentially-dolorian definitely-coalition approved orphanage thinking: were my parents really terrorists? why does the theory of communism and the reality of the war clash? will it happen to me? will it happen to people i love? can i change this? am i part of something good?

so matt goes and studies law and starts a bureau because he has faith in doing things by the book, until the book fails him, and then he decides he has to do right by his values, so he turns to vigilantism and violence in the name of the law. / so kim goes and enlists in the rcm and climbs through the ranks because he has faith in the collective, in being a piece of the sky that approaches justice with a slow step until the collective shows him again, and again, that it's counterproductive and then he turns to vigilantism and violence in the name of the law.

and both matt and kim are in a perpetual crisis of faith, and they know. matt goes to confession booths and sardonically tells priests about him beating people to death. kim smokes a cigarette and tells you about stealing hubcaps and the electric chair and the dire consequences of handing a fine with a smile on his face saying he doesn't think he's a moralist anymore.

but after matt gets out of the church, he is at ease, he does it again because if he doesn't, how can the world go on. but after, kim will tell you he believes in the RCM because he has to believe that he can do something, anything, or the world falls apart.

matt murdock isn't matt murdock, he is daredevil, he is justice. / kim kitsuragi isn't kim kitsuragi, he is a lieutenant of the rcm, he is justice.

if you're not matt/kim, you can't get it wrong when you do your best. god is wise. the coalition is wise. and if they aren't, you are. because if no one knows what to do then the world falls apart.

so what if you're blind and/or seolite? you can beat people up. you can shoot them. you can ruin their lives in two seconds. it's not personal, and they can't make it personal. you didn't do it because you're human or because of your trauma, you did it because you're justice incarnate.

you know what's good and what's more, you can make things good again, if you do it by the book. if their book is wrong, tweak it. if your mistakes haunt your dreams, make better ones.

[whxre-bxby]

Idk if this is considered a request BUT GIRL WOULD YOU WRITE A HATE-FUCKING IMAGINE WITH PRAGER? my fav recom barely gets attention 😔🤞 also you write so well keep up the amazing work

nah cuz that's an amazing fuckin idea, HELL YEAH

Hate-Fucking with Prager

Recom Prager x Recom f. Y/N

Masterlist

(This is a bit shorter than usual and also not as rough as the others ones because Prager is too babygirl for mean hate sex. Turns into sweet fluff in the end)

Summary: Prager and Y/N have a silent rivalry and always annoy each other. Things take a turn when they are paired together during a mission and secrets are unvealed...

WARNINGS: SMUT, fighting, arguing, swearing, mentions of firearms, penetration, praise-kink, fluff

Word Count: 4749

It was never meant to get out of control. But I guess destiny wanted us to hate each other...

Things started during a harmless mission with the recom squad out in the forest. Quaritch had us search the area for clues of our past selves or of Sully’s presence. We were never alone when outside so he had us in groups of three. I was with Brown and Lopez. 

We had returned from about an hour's search and gathered back at the aircraft.

“How much ground did you cover?” Quaritch had asked us. The other groups answered with low numbers because everyone either reached a dead end or got stuck in one area. 

Prager’s group which consisted of him, Walker, and Ja had a higher number.

“Almost a quarter.” he said, speaking for his group. Quaritch had nodded, seeming pleased that they moved on faster than the others. Then he turned to us and I spoke up. 

“We actually managed that one quarter.” I replied, my voice feigning innocence. 

Quaritch seemed even more impressed and nodded as he wrote it down on the tablet. 

I looked over to the other team and locked eyes with Prager who was already looking at me. My sentence replayed in my head and I quickly regretted my choice of words. They demeaned his answer even though I said them without any attitude. I should have just said ‘one quarter’. 

I watched him process my words while I did the same but for some odd reason, neither of us broke the eye contact. 

“Ha, eat shit.” Lopez joked with an evil cackle, looking at Ja who rolled his eyes. They just made it seem competitive. 

Prager and I were still looking at each other and Lopez’s sentence created the idea of a competition. One that I seemingly beat Prager in. 

It was just natural from that point on to try and win against the other person. And just like that, a silent rivalry was birthed. 

From then on, everything we did we tried to do it better than the other. We rarely spoke. Prager and I always got along well but never to the point where we would have a friendly and joking conversation. We also never had a reason to dislike each other but all that changed now. 

During training, our small competition would be the most visible. 

‘Oh, Prager did 50 push-ups? I’ll do more.’ 

At the time I wasn’t even sure he knew about it. I thought that this clash was one-sided from me because it was never talked about or properly acknowledged by us. 

…It definitely wasn’t. 

Today, we were back in the forest again. We had searched the entire mission area from last time so today’s environment was new. But the mission objective stayed the same: search the area for clues or old equipment. 

Quaritch didn’t care about mixing up groups like schoolteachers would. He always paired two people when they stood together. 

We were leaving the helicopter and walking deeper into the woods before we would stop and split up. 

My mind was focusing on completely the wrong things. Prager was right behind me and we were going uphill so I was silently listening to see how heavy he was breathing, just to make sure I wasn’t worse off than him. The rivalry was still on. He was distracted too. 

That’s why when we came to a stop, it didn’t even cross my mind that Quaritch would pair us up. I was too busy forcing my breath to sound normal and not heavy. 

Then the inevitable happened and Quaritch started counting through, eventually pointing the two of us together. 

I stood there in shock for a full minute, just processing the consequences of my stupid behaviour. Prager didn’t move either but we refused to look at each other. Eventually, I walked away first and he had to follow me, so we left just like the others did. 

It’s quiet now. The forest is loud but the sound of machines and talking is gone. 

I’m walking forwards with a tracker and compass in my hands, trying to find the marked area we are supposed to cover. I can hear Prager’s heavy footsteps behind me and I definitely feel his eyes burning into the back of my head and body. However, I refuse to turn around. Because that would mean I’m reacting to him. And reactions cause more reactions which then lead to a social exchange of words. A conversation I don’t want to have. Mainly because I don’t know what I would say or how I would explain my behaviour. Perhaps he is completely oblivious to the challenge in my mind but I highly doubt it. The atmosphere that moves with us as we go is too thick for that. Something about it is making me nervous. 

“Do you know where we’re going?” I hear Prager call from somewhere behind me. My ears instantly perk up and my heartbeat speed up. 

“Yeah.” I reply, slightly turning my head over my shoulder to make it obvious I’m giving him an answer in case he can’t hear but still not an interaction enough to encourage further conversation. 

“We’ve walked past this tree already.” He said and almost immediately, his deep voice irritated me. 

Oh no he did not. 

“No, we haven’t.” I reply, speaking the words slowly and giving them some attitude. 

“Yeah, we have.” 

I roll my eyes. ‘He’s acting like a fucking child.’ I think. 

“Are you doubting my tracking skills?” I say, turning around to him and walking a few steps backwards while awaiting his reply.  My eyebrow is raised as I rest my unimpressed gaze on him.

“No, I’m just saying. We’re going the wrong way.” he answers, meeting my challenging eyes. 

“All the trees look the fucking same. I know where I’m going.” I answer, motioning to the hundreds of trees surrounding us before turning back to the front. 

“Give me the tools. I can get us there.” he says, lightly jogging up next to me. I turn away from him, holding the equipment tightly against my body and stopping in my tracks.

“No.” I reply while his hands try to grab the stuff away from me. I face away from him to protect the tools and his hands find my shoulder and waist to try and turn me around. 

“Really?” he asks, questioning my behaviour and I glare up at him. I knew if I’d give it to him he would never give it back. 

“Cut it out, I know what I’m doing.” I say, really feeling pissed off now. His hands remain on me for whatever reason and I shrug them off, flinching away from his touch. 

“If you get us lost you better tell the Colonel it’s your fault.” he says, moving his hands away and crossing them over his chest. 

I frown, not bothering to react to that. We have a mission to do and I take these things seriously, so I walk past him and push him out of my way by nudging my hand against his chest. 

Prager takes a step back and lets you lead the way again. A smile appears on his face out of amusement at your attitude, but you don’t see it. He was trying to piss you off because he liked seeing you riled up and angry. Maybe it was the height difference you too had. He was calmer and you were this little devil he had to put up with. Seeing you mad was cute to him because he just towered over you and was unaffected by whatever you wanted to do. 

I stomp away, repeating his words in a mocking whisper to myself. Those comments were completely unnecessary. If anyone will mess up this mission it will be him. Never me. 

He’s silently following me again, needing to walk a little faster because my anger is making me walk speedier. 

After about 15 minutes, I notice one of the devices showing a new light. It meant we were close. I continued following the marked area on the GPS and within minutes we were there. 

I stop, staring down at the device. Prager comes to a halt next to me. 

I chuckle. “Suck it, look who got us here on time.”

He’s scanning over the device and realises I did successfully find the area. Prager just huffed out a breath before glancing at me and then looking away. I roll my eyes again. It’s not like he’s going to congratulate me. 

We both look around and in the next second, I hear a whinny followed by grunts. Our heads shoot to where the noises came from and we quietly sneak closer. As we emerge from the trees we spot a herd of Direhorses resting and grazing on a tiny field of grass and flowers. There was a fallen over tree behind us which went almost up to our waist and I crouched down behind it while watching the animals. They were two foals in the herd. 

Prager joined me on the ground while both of us watched the Direhorses. 

“Apologise for doubting me.” I tell him. 

“I wasn’t doubting you.” he replied and I straighten my posture while I act out fake surprise. 

“Oh, you weren’t? What was all that shit about then before?” I say sarcastically. He was obviously lying. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he said, not looking at me. 

“Stop being such an ass. If anything, you’re the reason it took us longer to get here.” 

He lightly chuckled. Your attitude did amuse him. “I’d say I’m the reason we made it here because I got you out of your daydreaming.”

“What daydreaming?” I snap back at him, shouting my words in a whisper. 

“You were distracted. If I wouldn’t have said anything we wouldn’t be here right now.” 

“Pfft, yeah right.” I scoff.

“I saw you tripping on those roots. You lost balance even when the path was clear.”

“I didn’t trip on shit.” I say, facing him while I snarl my words at his unbothered figure. 

He doesn’t reply and when you look away, he grins to himself in a small victory of getting you even more mad.

“Log it into the tablet.” he said, his voice a lot quieter now. I turn to look at him again.

“Why? They’re harmless. We don’t need to warn the others.” 

“Just do it.” Prager sighed, sounding like he was losing his patience. 

“Fine.” I say, letting out an annoyed sigh as I start clicking away on the half-transparent screen. 

For a few seconds, there is just silence. But suddenly, before I can even comprehend what is happening, a loud creak erupts from above us, followed by a crash and in the next second two shots are fired. 

Before I can even look up to see what is happening, Prager reacts and in an instant, he pushes me down. The air is knocked from my lungs as I lay on the ground, wide-eyed. Prager is above me, using his arms to lock me in place. He tucks his head in and swiftly moves up so that my head is protected. 

The loud noises come to an end and a piece of metal falls from the tree above and lands on Prager, making him flinch but he doesn’t move away. 

It was small so he wasn’t hurt.  

My hands are over my chest and I’m holding onto my queue for comfort. 

I open my wincing eyes and we hear animals again. I see monkey-like creatures scatter from the tree with the old and abandoned equipment and realise that they are Prolemuris’s. They are non-aggressive, but they must have grown curious and messed around with the old parts of what once used to be a helicopter. 

A gun lands on the ground right next to us and the thud makes me flinch. Prager’s head shoots towards it and we see that it’s open and old. It must be an assault rifle from the first battle and it only had two bullets left. Now it was empty. 

Prager sighs in relief and I let my head drop down onto the ground while I clutch my face. The herd of horses would have definitely fled after that amount of noise. 

I laugh. Mainly because it helped me deal with crisis situations. Prager looks down at me, the two strands of his bandana hanging over his shoulder. 

“You’re kidding, right? It’s just the Promlemuris.” I snort, nudging his firm shoulder.

“Yeah, well I didn’t know that.” he answers, seeming a little embarrassed about his actions. 

“You should have seen your face.” I laugh, giggling beneath him while he watches me turn and roll. 

“Shut up, I saved you.” he replied and I am quiet for a second while I look for the small piece of material that fell from the tree. 

“Yeah, from this big and deadly bad boy.” I wheeze, pointing to the metal scrap. 

“How about a thank you?” he asks, clearly not amused by my mockery. 

“For being a living shield to the amazing Y/N?” I reply, looking into his eyes and biting my lip to suppress further laughter.

Prager just frowns with a light scoff and looks away.

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” I start to talk again. My hand grabs onto his shoulder as I start to try and move away from beneath him. 

Prager glances back at me, just quietly listening and watching me insult and provoke him.

“You’re too fond of yourself, just because you’re bigger and stronger than me doesn’t mean I need you up my ass all day.”

He raises an eyebrow at my words. Bigger and Stronger? That makes a smirk form on his lips.

I stop struggling beneath him and scan over his expression.

He’s just staring at me. In a way, he’s never looked at me before. It seemed different. 

I could tell he was annoyed by me to a certain extent, but even overlooking his cheeky smirk and irritated self, his eyes seemed soft. 

He wasn’t glaring you down, he was admiring you. 

“Stop smiling like an idiot.” I say, growing nervous from the eye contact so I quickly look away, hoping he won’t notice how my cheeks begin to flush. 

Oh, but Prager notices. 

“We weren’t in danger anyway.” I start rambling again, moving my arm to pull me away from beneath him. 

“You need to-” I say, struggling to move away. I manage to inch a little upwards but then Prager just moves up with me and remains hovering above me. 

“What the fuck?” I ask but he doesn’t answer. His silence is making me feel uneasy. His eyes are just fixated on mine. 

“Prager this is so stupid. Stop acting like a fucking moron and-” 

I’m cut off again but this time by something unexpected. 

Prager wanted to shut you up, so he did.

He leaned down and closer to me and before I could protest or object, he captured my lips in a kiss. It was exactly between soft and rough. 

He tried to not escalate it but it was difficult with the way you writhed under him. It was impossible to gently find your lips.

My eyes stay open in shock for a second until I surrender to the inexplicably warming feeling and kiss him back. Neither of us wanted to pull away but we did, not sure where things would go from here. 

We stared into each other's eyes and for a few seconds, the familiar silence returned. My heavy breathing caught his attention. He seemed unsure whether to continue because he didn’t want to overstep anything. 

I was so pissed at him the whole day it frustrated me and having him so close now made my stomach twist in excitement. His body was effortlessly lifted above mine and his biceps strained as he held himself up. 

“Don’t stop now you idiot.” I breathlessly say, landing my hand on the back of his head and pulling him back down to me. 

His heart flutters at the words and he would grin if he weren’t kissing you. Prager secretly loved getting you angry and he loved how bratty and mean you could be. 

The kiss is more heated this time. He gently tugs at my bottom lip with his teeth, making sure not to nip me with his fangs. I open my mouth and he uses the opportunity to slip his tongue past my lips. 

I pull him closer to me and Prager lowers his body down a little further, making it brush up against mine so that our chests were pressed together. 

I wrap my arms around his neck before they grow curious about his body and I let one roam his broad shoulders. It moves down to his chest and Prager hums appreciatively into the make-out.

I want to feel closer to him so both my hands go to his chest and I push him up, breaking the kiss.

For a few seconds, Prager seems stunned and wonders whether he did something wrong. He sees you start to hastily take off your vest and he smiles. Another secret he kept from you was that he liked the way you treated him. He knew you didn’t mean it in a bad way. But the way you would harshly push him around and tell him off whenever you felt like it was such a turn-on for him. He was obviously bigger and could easily overpower you but he adored the way you would ignore all that and boss him around. 

“Quit staring and take your stuff off.” I breathe out and Prager chuckles before listening to you. He moves off of you and on his knees above your own, undoing his vest while I discard mine close to the log. 

My hands move to my belt once my tank top and equipment is gone. Prager peeled his tight shirt off and watched me undo my belt.

“You want me?” he asked, looking at my face now. He seemed unsure of himself. I stop my movements and my eyes meet his.

“Yeah.” I simply reply as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this.” 

My hands manage to unfasten the leather belt and my words are all the confirmation he needs. 

“I still hate you though.” I say while pulling my cammies down my legs. Prager helps me tug them off and a grin paints his face. 

God, he loves your attitude.

“Yeah, yeah.” he mumbles, moving down to me again and pressing our lips together. He holds himself up with one hand while the free one roams over my bare skin. I was laying down in only my brown military sports bra and underwear as I felt his large rough hand rub up and down my leg. 

Both our hands feel all over the other’s body because there is no time to sit back and stare. I hook my leg around his waist and pull it down flush against me. 

His abdomen is pressed up against mine with his cold belt buckle making my skin erupt in goosebumps as it digs into the flesh of my stomach. I move my other leg to the side and open them for him so that he can rest his hips in between. 

He groans into the kiss when I shift against him and I can feel his growing erection form in his pants. 

I don’t have the patience to wait anymore. He’s stripped me of all my patience during this mission while irritating me.

I pull away breathlessly. “Take them off.” 

His own stomach tightens with excitement at my words but he doesn’t hesitate to listen to me. His one hand easily opens his belt and I use my legs to push them down his waist to his mid-thigh. 

His boxer shorts went down with the cammies.

The next time he looked at me, his eyes were so lust-filled I knew we both needed this. His lips were parted as he stared at me. 

I adjust my position on the ground to keep myself comfortable and open my legs further. He rests his head on my shoulder while looking between us to see what I’m doing. Prager’s chest is heaving with excitement as he watches me push my panties to the side and let my legs fall open. 

I rest a leg on his waist again and gently encourage him to move closer. 

Prager listens and lowers his hips down until we’re once again pressed against each other. I let out a sigh and grasp his strong shoulders for support while he lets out an uneven breath. 

To boost his confidence and help this situation evolve, I lift my hips up and grind against him. His throbbing dick is resting right between my folds he grunts in response before getting the message and taking over.

He slowly grinds down into me, covering his length in my slick while he curls his hips to create small thrust-like motions. 

“Fuck-” I whisper, letting my eyes flutter closed. Prager needs reactions like those to feel better about what he’s doing. 

His dick was sliding between my lips and gently pressing against my clit. It made me needier for him. But that’s what I needed because I could feel how big he was. 

“Prager…” I whisper, cupping his cheek with my hand. His furrowed eyebrows in pleasure relaxed as he opened his eyes and looked at me. 

“Please- fuck me already.”

The words made him feel like he was floating in the clouds. He couldn’t believe he could get to have you now. For Prager, even during your little contest, he thought you were out of his league. The fact that you said ‘please’ made him smile to himself. 

He nodded, moving back a little and reaching down in between us. His hand lined himself up with my entrance and he felt how coated he was from you. It made him shiver in anticipation of what you would feel like around him. 

Prager gently applied pressure with the tip of his dick against your entrance and then steadied himself above you. He wanted to be close to you so he pressed his cheek against yours so that you could hear and feel each other's breath. 

Slowly, he pushed his hips forward and he felt himself start to sink into you. He took his time, relishing in the feeling of how tightly you were squeezing him. His hips really needed to thrust forward a little every few seconds to keep him in. 

I tightened my grip on his shoulder and inhaled sharply. Luckily Prager stopped moving once most of him was inside and he felt how tense I was, so he stayed still. My walls adjusted to his size and now engulfed him. 

I knew it would feel better in a few seconds for me so I nodded, tapping his shoulder and he understood. Steadily, he withdrew his hips and pulled out until only his tip was still inside me. This time, he thrust forward with slightly more power. 

My eyes were closed while I focused on the being completely filled to the brim by him but they shot open when Prager whimpered. 

I smiled, holding his head in a comforting manner while he continued his gentle penetrating strokes. 

“You’re doing so good.” I coo into his ear. Prager shivers, his ears perk and his tail swishes in excitement. He needs his praise, alright. 

“Keep going.” I whisper and he nods. 

Prager does as I say while I let my arms embrace him. I kiss his cheek while he pants against my neck. 

He’s brushing against every place I need him to inside me and my back starts to arch off the ground as pleasure soars through me. His thrusts are mixed with grinds and his abdomen presses against my clit every time he bottoms out. 

“Faster.” I breathlessly whisper. My legs tense around his waist as Prager speeds his thrusts up and I start to pull him in more every time. 

“You feel so good.” he whines and I smile, pressing myself closer to him. 

“You too, don’t stop.” I end my words with a whimper when his hips unexpectedly snap forward and slap against my skin. 

Prager takes one of my hands and intertwines our fingers before pressing it down on the ground next to my head. His loosely hung open mouth finds the bare skin of my neck and he begins to kiss and suck on the skin, making me throw my head back. 

“Fuck, Prager.” I moan and he starts losing himself in the feeling of us. He’s occasionally biting down on my skin, making sure to leave a mark while my nails leave crescent-shaped marks on the skin of his shoulders. 

“Y/N, I’m gonna-” he starts to whisper, knowing he can’t last much longer. 

“Please. Don’t stop.” I whine, holding him tighter. 

His face is now buried in the crook of my neck and his thrusts get sloppy as his high approaches. Prager’s arms tremble and his entire body tenses in preparation for his orgasm. 

I’m so close I’ll be gone in a few thrusts. My pussy clenches around him as I force my legs open even more. 

Prager moans my name into my ear and his hips stutter and start to rut into me without rhythm. 

I gasp in pleasure and the next time he bottoms out and his skin hits my clit, I throw my head back and feel my orgasm wash over me.

Your pussy clenches around Prager to the point where the suction feels like it doesn’t want to let him out. His eyes clench closed and he tightens his fingers around your connected hands as his hips mindlessly buck forward. 

“F-fuckkk-” he groans, clenching his teeth together.

In seconds, he’s cumming inside you and spilling his entire load deep into your pussy. It feels like you’re milking him for his cum and he’s more than fucking happy to give it to you. 

He rides out your orgasms, stuffing his cum further into you if even possible. 

My legs go limp after being tensed for so long and they fall from his sides. His thrusts slow down until he stills inside me and we take a few minutes to regain our breaths. 

“Holy shit.” he breathes out. I lightly chuckle and wrap my arms around his neck to pull him down. He carefully lowers himself onto me and just lays on top of me while we kill time. 

“You did so well.” I praise him, running a hand through his hair. He smiled against my skin. I knew this big boy needed to be comforted and babied. 

We were comfortably laying in silence, enjoying each other’s presence until the intercom attached to our vests which worked just as well as the one on our throats went off. 

“Prager? Y/N? Do you copy?” the voice buzzed and it was Lyle. I let out an annoyed huff. 

“Prager, Y/N, do you read? All recoms return.” 

Prager raises his head and we look at each other, not wanting to go. 

“Come on, we have to.” I say and he nods before gently getting off me. He pulls out and admires how some of his cum dribbles out of me. 

I get up and we get dressed. We needed to quickly head back and report to the Colonel. My mind was focused on the mission while Prager couldn’t stop thinking about other things.

For example how your panties would be stained with his cum now and how you would have to keep it in you for the rest of the day while you’re out here. 

The best-case scenario for him would be if one of the others would smell him on you. He knew Ja and Brown would tease him for things like not being good at talking to women. This would blow their minds. 

He also just wanted them to know that he was the only guy that had a chance with you here. 

We gathered our things and returned back. This time with much less bickering and arguing. For the first time, Prager and I were having a genuine conversation as we walked. It was nice. Who knows where this will lead us…

Tag List: @numarusworld @jatwow @number1gal @ikranwings @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed

[ad-hawkeye]

Lovebrush Chronicles: Tarot Cards

So, me and a few others on the Lovebrush Chronicles Discord server were talking about tarot cards, and which ones would fit the main characters best. A huge thank you to the Lars and Clarence fans for spitballing ideas with me for them! Now, the alternate versions of the characters would have different tarots than their modern versions, so for the sake of this post, I'll be focusing on their modern versions, and the general ideas behind all of their alternate selves.

Ayn Alwyn: Death

UPRIGHT: end of cycle, beginnings, change, metamorphosis REVERSED: fear of change, holding on, stagnation, decay

There are three tarot cards that deal with the idea of change. The one I felt fit Ayn the most was the Death tarot. Ayn finds it hard to let go of his past - all versions of him. So, while Ayn is often forced into life changing situations, it's at a great expense. He has to let go of his past, his walls, and his routine to move on.

Alkaid McGrath: The Fool

UPRIGHT: beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit REVERSED: holding back, recklessness, risk-taking

Alkaid also has one of the tarot cards representative of change: The Fool. While the other cards signify great difficulty or strife in achieving this change, The Fool tells of someone who willingly jumps head first into the unknown with an open mind. Alkaid yearns to see the world, and to push his limits, even at great risk.

Lars Rorschach: The Sun

UPRIGHT: joy, success, celebration, positivity REVERSED: negativity, depression, sadness

The Sun tarot is one of connecting with your inner child. It is one of optimism and positivity. Lars is a character who has worked long and hard to get where he's at. He's never had the chance to let loose and be himself until finding success. While he is a realist who is well aware of the bad in the world, he finds joy in the little things he never got to do in his youth.

Clarence Clayden: The Hierophant

UPRIGHT: tradition, conformity, morality, ethics REVERSED: rebellion, subversiveness, new approaches

The Hierophant represents an established set of rules and values. As a law student, Clarence seeks to use these established systems to one day make the world a better place. However, not all good can be achieved under these restrictions. Clarence is willing to go against the grain if he believes it is for a good cause.

Cael Anselm: The Moon

UPRIGHT: unconscious, illusions, intuition REVERSED: confusion, fear, repressed emotion

While The High Priestess is a card of spiritual enlightenment, The Moon is a card of emotional enlightenment. It is also a card of illusion. Cael is initially an incredibly deceptive character; he is not what he seems. Likewise, the same could be said for his emotions as he navigates his repressed feelings for the Little Painter.

Little Painter: The Hermit

UPRIGHT: contemplation, search for truth, inner guidance REVERSED: loneliness, isolation, lost your way

And finally, we get to our main character, the Little Painter. The Hermit indicates a search for answers; The Little Painter discovers a lot about herself and her past, as well as the nature of the universe and her role in it. She seeks the truth in each world, despite the loneliness her knowledge and position impose upon her.

[lilbluebastard]

⚠️ Opinion/long post warning! ⚠️

Listen you can be honest after you read this if you do, I’ll happily listen and respect you’re opinion 🩵

Listen I love hellsing but I don’t love some of its ships

Like the ships! Of course I’m not judging anyone we all have our own thing and we all like to enjoy our own opinions, I totally understand it but to be honest some of the ships that go with alucard creep me out….like a lot

Know before anyone gets upset there’s a good reason, I’m not just saying this stuff because I hate alucard (even tho I do) some of this ships can be creepy and weird

Like for example, andercard , alucard x Integra or alucard x Walter, now let me explain

It doesn’t involve alucard it involves

Girly card

Plus im not gonna go search for the art because I don’t wanna drag the artist into it and I don’t wanna well search for it because it makes me uncomfortable

I’ve seen art with girly card and young Walter now, just because she looks like a child doesn’t mean she is one , Alucards is about a 500+ year old guy, I’ve seen art of girlycard, doing things with young Walter and young Integra that he shouldn’t be doing with them

I’ve seen him flirting with them, EVEN KISSING THEM!

These two young CHILDREN for example

It’s honestly just creepy and kinda makes me question the community

Now I’m sure you’re wondering

Where does andercard come in this, listen I’m not hating on andercard because i like Anderson, it’s a cute ship don’t get me wrong I love a lil enemies to lover type stuff, I’ve seen some cute art

But seriously girlycard looks like a child, it’s makes Anderson look like a stereotypical irl priest 😭

But I’ve seen art where they’ve shared a father like daughter relationship and that’s a bit better just a old man taking the form of a child to get a good father figure he’s always wanted but I’ve seen creepy art between them, people are making Alexander look like a creep 😕

But I’ve also seen art of Alexander and girlycard and it’s just creepy, I’ve seen people drawing them in weird positions , yes they do give Anderson a uncomfortable expression but that’s no excuse in my opinion

People are making alucard and Anderson look like a creeps! Like yes have you’re ships but honestly, you’re making alucard act like that piece of shit that attacked him in his childhood

And I’m aware every community has its bad sides and good sides and I should deal with it but seriously!

Listen if you’re upset with me I can kinda understand but seriously this is really creepy and no one talks about it (well from what I can see no one does) some people are making alucard a actual monster

Like yes older Integra and Walter are fine because there adults, ship them to high heaven for all I care but drawing him with there younger selves how can you not see how bad that is? And honestly I’ve seen art of where there just besties, I like that because it’s not as creepy a lil weird but not as creepy you know?

But honestly ship what you want

Andercard is a silly ship , I mean not my ship but I respect others for it but the nsfw art makes me really uncomfortable, but still! I’ve seen silly stuff with andercard

(Adult) Integra x alucard

Also not my ship because I see them as father and daughter(just my opinion tho 😉) , but if it’s yours hey that’s a-okay! I’ve seen sone cute art with those guys! I get silly comics of Integra x alucard and they always are the best!

I don’t really see art of older Walter and alucard it’s rare but still!

A ship is a ship, everything has a good side and everything has a bad side, I’m sorry if I made someone upset, feel free to tell me you’re opinion, I’ll happily listen to you and I’ll respect it, because everyone’s opinions important

Listen I’m not gonna go tell people to stop drawing what they like, Im not that kinda person , I’m just someone who’s sharing my opinions, because it’s been bugging me for a while, I’m just being honest

(yes I’m aware there are other ships but I feel like this one was just to Important)

But this is just my opinion okay! It doesn’t have to be yours as well, you don’t need to change it to yours after reading this! You’re opinion and say on this is important too! Don’t let sone random person on the internet bring you down because of there opinion! if yours is different I’ll respect it because you’re important as well!🥰🩵🫂