#in other news my boss asked me if i'd like to basically take the lead on our afterschool programs n like.

[rubberbandballqueen]

the best part abt being enrolled in a calculus iii course is that it means i finally passed calculus ii. i have been enrolled in no less than FOUR different calculus ii courses, three of which failed to work out for various reasons, and literally NONE of this (calculus ii being a necessary course for me to take in college) would have happened had it not been for NUMEROUS FACTORS beyond my control but it's fine it's cool i'm learning NEW MATH for the FIRST TIME in FOUR YEARS and i am LIVING

[riddlerosehearts]

okay, the other day i watched a playthrough of the emperor's new groove video game for playstation 1. a game which, for various reasons, i have never actually played myself. but i wrote down a lot of things about it that i'd now like to share. this is basically a combination of my own thoughts on the game and a summary of all the insane things that happened in it:

the game begins after kuzco has already been turned into a llama and pacha is saying he can't help unless he builds kuzcotopia somewhere else. in the movie this is the scene which leads into kuzco going off into the jungle by himself, but the game has you start by exploring the general area of the village around pacha's hut, where his kids hang out and teach you the mechanics. kuzco also knows from the beginning that yzma is trying to kill him and encounters her as a boss multiple times in the story.

it's fully voice acted, and this is the first time that j.p. manoux had voiced kuzco. he would go on to voice kuzco in the emperor's new school and in various other projects, and while it would've been nice if they could've gotten david spade for these, i think he does a good job. pacha's voice actor is different from either the movie or the show--it's john goodman in the movie + season 2 of the show, fred tatasciore in s1 of the show, and brian cummings here--but he's not too bad either.

pacha: "don't take the villagers' coins!" kuzco: "the villagers are MY people, so those are MY coins."

tipo: "by pressing your action button, you can smash these red pots" kuzco: "good, i feel like smashing something!"

i'm kind of obsessed with the fact that these sort of standard mechanics that you don't normally think about, like keeping money you found on the ground and destroying people's belongings in order to steal their money and items, are explained in this game by the protagonist being an entitled asshole. also obsessed with tipo encouraging kuzco's destructive behavior.

chaca: "this pad raises the columns to form steps! once they're triggered, you better be quick before they lower again." kuzco: "uh, ever thought of making them stay up for good when you press the pad?" chaca: "uhh... no." kuzco: "don't tell me, you got the brains in the family."

KUZCO DON'T BULLY A CHILD AKJDSFHHDJSKGSG

there's a mechanic where you can continue playing from your last checkpoint after dying as long as you've collected a wampy. what's a wampy? it's the name of the funky looking plushie that kuzco has as a baby in the first movie and then again in kronk's new groove:

the above screenshots are from the emperor's new groove, kronk's new groove, and the video game respectively. this is a bit of a tangent, but something i find interesting is that in the emperor's new school kuzco secretly carries a plushie named wampy around everywhere for comfort and that plushie has the same basic design but completely different colors:

and the purple wampy is never seen in the show, so i can only conclude that kuzco keeps multiple of these plushies that all share the same name. maybe he leaves the purple one at home so it doesn't have to endure the horrors of high school.

anyway, back to the game--every time you collect a wampy kuzco hugs it and says things like "awww, it's my wampyyyy" in a cute little baby talk voice. fucking dork <3

there are several little scenes during the village section of the game where chaca and tipo keep showing up to give tutorials and he just keeps making snarky comments at them and asking why they're there and if they don't have anything better to do.

in one of these scenes, tipo shows up to teach kuzco how to open doors and kuzco just goes "how did you get here so fast?". to which tipo replies that this is a game. another time, when chaca explains to kuzco how the wampy mechanic works, he asks how she knows all this and she goes "i don't know! beats me!"

there's a part where some random villager tells llama kuzco to stay away from his statues and kuzco goes "i'm the emperor! open the door or i'll smash your statue to pieces!"

the guy runs off screaming "DEMON LLAMAAAAA!!" and then tipo suddenly shows up to teach you how to smash the statues. i think chicha may need to keep a closer eye on tipo in the future.

SPEAKING OF CHICHA. SHE'S NOT IN THIS FUCKING GAME. if i were actually playing the game and doing a proper review of it i would automatically have to dock points for the lack of chicha.

at the beginning kuzco breaks some kid's llama bike and then the kid keeps showing up in every single chapter with a new bike and challenging kuzco to races. he somehow manages to show up everywhere from the top of a waterfall to the middle of yzma's roller coaster and never once questions why this llama is such a jerk or why he can even talk. also, toward the end of the game you race him one last time and his bike breaks for the millionth time and he says he learned a valuable lesson. that lesson? that these llama bikes suck and he needs to stop buying them.

kuzco hates being touched so much that anytime a guard, bug, bird, etc touches him he says "no touchy" and then loses health.

at one point kuzco gets turned into a turtle and kronk shows up and asks if he's there to enter the annual village race. he refuses at first but then it turns out kronk has an item that kuzco needs to progress, sooooo you have to have turtle kuzco slide on his back down the hill and try to beat kronk in the race.

kronk is voiced by patrick warburton again btw. eartha kitt also returned as yzma for the game. they both returned for each season of the emperor's new school as well, and i believe eartha kitt in particular loved voicing yzma so much that every time they needed her, right up until her death, she showed up.

kuzco cries if you lose the race against kronk, which is understandable considering that losing means he has to climb up to the top of the hill as a turtle again.

at the end of the village section you have to run from yzma as she throws bombs at kuzco and once you manage to get away, kuzco says "you call yourself an end of level boss, yzma? you're rubbish! toodles!"

after this, kuzco ends up going into the jungle despite pacha's repeated warnings that it's too dangerous. and now instead of chaca and tipo, a talking bug trapped in a spiderweb appears to teach him additional mechanics.

when the jaguars from the movie show up kuzco says "time out" and then the frame freezes while he explains to YOU, the player, what you'll have to do to save him.

during the waterfall section chaca is somehow there AGAIN, at the top of the waterfall in a pink llama pool floatie, and is like "oh wow, another llama tied to a log!" (apparently one showed up the previous week) but does not react at all to her dad also being tied to a log. she just explains to them how this level is gonna work and then leaves.

she pops back up again a little later (still on the waterfall. they stretched this part of the movie out a lot) and calls kuzco "kinda short for a llama".

speaking of the game stretching things out a lot, pacha literally says during the waterfall levels: "this scene was much shorter in the film".

there's a whole other jungle section where kuzco spends an extensive amount of time having been turned into a frog. tipo randomly appears to help again during this section.

there's another race with kronk in an icy area that shows kronk to be an excellent ice skater. i would probably be terrible at this if i played the game.

when they finally get into the city kuzco tells pacha he knows the streets like the back of his hand and pacha replies, "but kuzco, you're a llama, you don't have any hands!"

when they separate and kuzco sneaks on his own into the palace, he gets confronted by a naked guy who's conveniently being covered up by a peacock and says the peacocks stole his clothes. he's blocking a path we need to go through so we are forced to find his underwear for him. this guy also does not question wtf is up with the talking llama.

when you get him his underwear back he, uh. well. he uses his magic sparkly underwear to fly away:

what is this guy, the incan version of captain underpants? kuzco then says in a deadpan voice, "this has gotta be the weirdest day of my entire life". can't argue with that!

i've gone way too long without mentioning that this game is primarily a platformer, which is a genre i kind of suck at and don't play often, but appears to have a lot of variety in its gameplay that makes it look pretty fun! the races with kronk, the part where you guide pacha and kuzco down the river, the part where you have to run from the jaguars, the stealth sections, and the various parts where kuzco is transformed into non-llama animals all have different types of gameplay to switch it up. the city is also huge and full of puzzle sections.

when kuzco defeats yzma in his throne room and then meets back up with pacha, they have to take the roller coaster down to yzma's lab and there's a level based on this as well. you have to control the roller coaster and turn it at just the right time to collect coins and avoid falling to your death. this looks like it could be a lot of fun to me.

tipo somehow shows up on the roller coaster to give another tutorial and kuzco tells this 6 year old to make him a sandwich and then insults his haircut 😭 kuzco i love you but why are you like this

before the final battle against yzma she says she's gonna drink a potion to turn herself into a hideous monster and rule the empire forever. and kuzco says "are you sure you didn't drink it already, you old bag of bones?"

there's this huge dramatic buildup to her drinking the potion. and then. it turns her into a cat like in the movie. and that's the final boss battle. you have to race against cat yzma to get the last potion to turn back into a human.

just from the video i watched, this race seemed very short and easy and therefore anticlimactic? but idk, maybe the person playing was just really good at it.

the final scene of the game immediately following this is kuzco visiting the village as a human again and we see scenes like kronk playing jump rope with chaca and tipo, the incan captain underpants guy flying around the roof of a house, bucky the squirrel chasing cat yzma, and kuzco + pacha's family all having a dance party while fireworks go off.

again i must reiterate that this game is missing chicha's legendary and iconic presence. my assumption is that since the characters seem to know they're in a video game, she didn't wanna have to help give kuzco tutorials because it would put too much stress on her while pregnant. still, though, it would've been nice to see her in at least the opening or ending sequences.

in conclusion: as i mentioned, i've never played this game, and the main reason for this is that i didn't know it existed when i was a kid--but even if i had i still most likely wouldn't have played it because i didn't care much about the emperor's new groove back then. the only reason i looked up a playthrough of it was because my autism brain suddenly told me i needed to learn about all of the official emperor's new groove media in existence. however, it really does look like fun and the playthrough i watched wasn't even 5 hours long, so now i kind of wanna give it a try someday? the writing is hilarious. not as hilarious as the actual movie, of course, but it was just so bizarre in such a great way and was very faithful to the movie's complete lack of a fourth wall.

also: this game has the best "game over" screen of all time. whenever kuzco dies it literally just plays a clip of the funeral scene from the movie, all the way through the "he ain't getting any deader, back to work!" bit.

[thassa]

Some good things did come out of my large breakdowns I had a few weeks ago.

I've never had much faith in myself in regards to my goals, and I gave up on a lot of things that mattered to me. Music, art, social work. I struggled with impostor syndrome my entire life, and suffered from low self esteem due to the struggles that came with growing up with undiagnosed ADHD. I always felt like I tricked people into thinking I was smart because I could never do things consistently. And I pretended that I just didn't want to do those things anymore, when in reality I didn't think I deserved to do them, because I wasn't actually capable.

I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to give myself more credit and be willing to make mistakes. I am allowing myself to realize I'm lovable, I'm likeable, and I didn't trick my friends or loved ones into caring for me. I'm worth having a job that makes me happy, and I'm worth pursuing my passions. I played my bass guitar for the first time in years the other day, and even though it wasn't much, it was... unbelievably cathartic.

For the first time in a long time, I'm making some new years resolutions and planning long term goals. They include:

- Starting therapy. I have been more stable the last couple weeks- I am trying to be kinder to myself and practicing grounding techniques for when work gets overwhelming, but I feel like I need to have an outlet to talk things out. I have reached out to a few therapists and am waiting to hear what their availability is like to schedule consultations.

- Get back into bass and art! I ideally would like to get an upright bass and join the local community orchestra, but I don't think that's going to be realistic for a while. That doesn't mean I can't play, though, even if it's for myself. I need to actually get my bass guitar and amp set up, but in my downtime I've been sight reading some music and practicing the rhythms. I also have been trying to draw more. Ideally, I would practice the basics, because I want to refine my style more, but as long as I'm creating I'm happy.

- Networking with the new marketing director at my current job. While the customer service aspect of my job sucks at times, I work with a supportive team and I know if I ask my boss, she'd support me trying to learn and grow, and who knows? Maybe I'd be able to shift gears from my current position.

- Finish taking this marketing course through Coursera, and maybe get a couple other certifications along the way. I'm on track to finish the Coursera course in six months, but I'd like to get it down to three, if possible. It's pretty easy to finish a week's worth of modules in a day as long as I have the spoons (and now that I'm back on my ADHD meds, it should be easier)

- Once I'm further along in the course and have more formal training, I want to reach out to the chorus my wife volunteers with and offer to do their social media. I know it's something they don't have a lot of time for (and it could use improvement), it would be good experience for me, and it would get me volunteer experience in two fields I'm passionate about: music and the LGBT community.

And as for my long term goals, they include:

- Getting a job in marketing, ideally for a company that specializes in music or audio

- Finding community in music. Be this getting an upright bass and joining an orchestra, or playing folk music with my wife and our friends, or whatever. Music used to mean so much to me, and while I don't want performing to be my full time job anymore, I want it to be a part of my life in some way, shape or form.

- Finding community in the arts again. I feel like I made some good headway last year, but my insecurities kept me from doing more. I also want to pursue more physical art. I enjoy doing digital art, but I'm definitely harder on myself than I am when I use a physical media. I place a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect, which leads to my style being sanitized.

- Improve my executive functioning skills. I'm slowly getting better, but therapy will help

I haven't had a long term goal since I got married, bought our house and graduated college, which has lead to me just kind of floating around. I feel like these goals reflect what I've been missing and I'm excited to pursue them!

[jinxxedwammys]

In celebration of 100 followers I present to you

Wammy boys in oddly specific AUs I found on pinterest and stuff.

Warnings: Swearing (mostly in Mello’s part as usual lol)

L

"I mistook you for my best friend and jumped on your back in public and now I'm embarrassed"

🎂���🍦🍭🍮🎂🍨🍦🍭🍮🎂🍨🍦🍭🍮🎂🍨🍦🍭🍮🎂🍨🍦🍭🍮🎂

It was during the Kira case when L was closely investigating Light Yagami at To-Oh University that this extremely awkward encounter occurred. The sun was high in the sky, locusts and could be heard and cherry blossom littered the wide walkway leading into the school.

You had your heavy bag slung across your shoulders. It was filled with textbooks and papers (some of which you had forgotten to turn in) as well as a few personal items. You weren't really paying much attention to your surroundings until you spotted one of your male friends!

You hadn't seen him since the beginning of high-school. To say you were excited was an understatement. In your excitement you took a running jump onto his back knocking him to the ground. He let out a yelp and that was when you realized...

This man was NOT your friend.

"Oh my God I'm so sorry I thought you were someone else" you hurriedly said pushing yourself up and on your knees an apparent redness in your face.

He seemed to be unbothered for the most part, he turned to you, crouching in a sort of fetal position.

"It's alright I understand" He replied.

"No, no its not.. I'm an idiot I should have realized" you shoved your face into your hands covering how red your face now was.

"It is alright, I'm uninjured and it was an honest mistake" you frowned a little not entirely trusting his forgiveness, but this time, you took it.

He gave you a polite smile before standing up and helping you to your feet. He wished you a good day, and left, but not before sneaking a note containing his alias and phone number.

Mello

"I lost my little sibling Matt in Ikea and I need your help finding them"

🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

"Fuck.... Shit... Motherfucker" You heard from the other side of the store shelf as you browsed through various decor items. This mystery person had been spewing profanities for the past five minutes. You sighed with slight annoyance placing the wooden model hand you had been staring at for God knows how long back, making your way to the neighboring isle.

"Hey, you've been cursing up a storm... what's going on?" You asked, hand on your hip awaiting a response. Mello looked up at you with a look of anger and exhaustion on his face.

"I'm looking for my idiot friend. He got hopelessly lost in the chair section and I've been trying to find him for like an hour now" He ran a hand through his hair pushing his bangs to the sides of his face.

"I can help you look for him!" You offered.

"You don't have to"

"I want to! I don't really have anything else to do, so it's fine. To be completely honest I don't know why I came here." He shrugged. "Oh my name's Y/N by the way"

"I'm Mello" He replied before setting off out of the isle leaving you to sprint a but to catch up. His pace was fast and he seemed to have some plan on how to tackle this, but you weren't exactly sure.

After what seemed like an eternity of silently weaving through the labyrinth of shelves and furniture displays, you spoke up.

"So... how old is your friend?"

"We're both 19... His name is Matt." You kept walking until he stopped directly in front of the office showroom section.

"He might be here, so keep an eye out for a tall brunette idiot with goggles." You nodded keeping close to Mello. Again you snaked through isles. Eventually your search devolved into looking into cabinets, drawers, anything that would open, but to no avail.

"Where the fuck is he?" Mello said under his breath as he slammed shut another cabinet.

That was when a tall brunette wearing goggles walked by dual wielding hotdogs... You sighed heavily before approaching Matt.

"Matt?" You called out gaining the attention of both Matt and Mello. Mello stood beside you before going on to scold his friend almost as if he were an unruly child.

"Sorry about that I hope looking for him wasn't that unbearable... would you like to meet up sometime again in the future?" Mello asked. You nodded in response.

"I'd love to! This was quite fun actually. Though let's not go to an ikea next time."

Near

"We both like walking In the park at night and I think you're a stalker so I accidentally attack you"

🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖🎲🃏🪀🤖

It was 2am, the night was calm yet you were restless nothing you tried allowed you to fall asleep. It was like this most nights. You would then go to the park near your house to get some fresh air and tire yourself out... and on a night like this, that seemed like a perfect idea. You didn't even change out of your pajamas before you left. As you entered the park, you felt... odd. As if someone was watching you and sure enough, as you turned your head to look behind you you saw a man following about two yards behind you.

Naturally your thoughts went wild with what ifs and possible escape plans. Yet you calmed your mind opting to check if this guy was really following you. With every corner you turned your heart sank. Panic started to set in and you rushed to get together an improvised weapon.... Your housekey! You gripped it tightly in your hand as if it were a knife and swiftly approached the man going to jab him in the eye, yet he caught your arm with ease, turning it behind you and pushing you to the ground, similarly to how a police officer would apprehend a resistant assailant.

"Why did you attack me" he questioned, plopping down just above your hips.

"Let me go, stalker!!!" You yelled at him thrashing around attempting to escape his grasp.

"What are you talking about? I'm not stalking you." He calmly said.

"That's exactly what a stalker would say! Let me go!" He sighed lifting himself off of you and crouching beside you. You rolled over and sat with your legs crossed.

"I swear to you, I was only out for a walk. I take nighttime walks sometimes, though this was the first time I've been in this park."

"Then how come every time I turned you followed?"

"I did? I'm sorry, I didn't even realize" He stated plainly. You sighed he seemed truthful.

"Fine... I'm sorry too, I probably shouldn't have assumed you were a stalker or something and attacked you" you admitted. He shook his head.

"It's alright, I understand... I can be scary" you snorted and laughed. The light of the nearby streetlamp lit his features. A frail, sweet looking man with long white hair who seemed to be somewhat reserved. You felt a little silly that you thought someone like him would hurt you much.

"You're not scary... In all honesty you're quite cute!" You admitted, reaching out a finger to poke his nose.

"Thanks, you're actually quite cute as well, maybe we could meet up here in the morning?" He suggested.

Matt

"I come here when I want to be alone and I didn't think anyone knew about it so where the hell did you come from"

🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮🚬🥽🎮

This day was aweful. Work was extremely stressful. Your coworker put important documents in the shreader for the 10th time that week and you were the one tasked with rewriting, tracking down, requesting new copies and piecing together ones that couldn't be recovered otherwise. And of course your boss made every minute of it a nightmare. So after work, you drove to your favorite place. An abandoned warehouse off the highway about 5 minutes from your house.

It was virtually untouched by people now that the walls were covered in graffiti and the place had been ransacked for leftover valuable items. You made your way inside noticing something was off... there was a leather couch that wasn't yours, a coffee table... even a TV and game console plugged into a power supply, another handheld game on the coffee table next to an ashtray with a few cigarette butts, one of which was still smoking.

You were beyond confused. From the last time you were here someone had basically moved in... it had only been a week since you last came here. You warily approached the couch. Well... whoever left it here probably won't mind! you thought I just hope they didn't sabotage it or something. You then sat down noting that it was a perfectly normal couch and you were just paranoid.

That was when a guy came in, he was tall and lenky, had brown hair and was dressed in a striped shirt, a frankly hideous vest with fur lining, black pants and goggles atop his head. He had been holding a can of coke and a cigarette, yet those were both dropped as he saw you.

"Who are you?" He half shrieked.

"Who are YOU? You yelled back.

"I asked first!"

"My name is Y/N.. I come here all the time when I'm stressed and want to be alone I didn't think anyone else knew about it"

"S..Same but.. I come here to get away from a friend of mine... he can be quite aggressive and it's scary" He sat down beside you picking up his handheld game. "Oh and my name is Matt!"

"Hmm.. then let's share this space from now on, Matt!" He nodded in agreement.

"Yea! I hope we meet again soon"

Beyond Birthday

"We live in the same apartment complex and I accidentally leave my laundry in the washer for a minute too long and you decide to take out all my wet clothes to put yours in just as I walk in"

🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪🩸🔪

It was late night. You had been putting off laundry for the past week, but now you were down to a pair of underwear and your nightgown, so you had to do your wash.. you reluctantly gathered your clothes and made your way to the communal washer and dryer. You threw your clothes in and put a coin in the coinslot then set the washer to start.

You sighed and made your way back to your room to relax a little while your clothes were still washing. It had been about two hours and your laundry was probably done. The timer you had set went off and you gathered yourself and brought the remainder of your clothes as well as your box of dryer sheets.

The moment you walked in your eyes widened in horror. Some odd man sat frantically pulling your clothes out of the washer onto the dirty floor.

"What the hell are you doing??!!" You yelled rushing over to stop him. He peered up at you from his crouching position.

"You left your clothes in too long, its my turn now" You blinked

"Only for a few minutes... it just got done less than 5 minutes ago.. now my clothes are all dirty again.. damn it"

"Sorry" He said. His beady eyes were wide and innocent looking. "I'll let you do yours again... I'll pay" He said before shoving yours back in and starting it again.

When that was done he pulled a jam jar out of seemingly nowhere and perched on top of the washer dipping his hand inside the jar and licking his fingers clean of jam. It was disgusting... But you decided to not pay any more attention to it than you had to.

The rest of the time you spent with him was in silence, all you heard was the washer and his lip-smacking. When the washer finished you silently transferred your clothes to the dryer.. this time without your oddball fellow tenant interfering much. Though when he got his own clothes in he did crawl away which freaked you out.

[callsignbaphomet]

Okay, so this is gonna be a long post and probably very detailed because I don't know how to summarize shit. I'm gonna be very honest in this post and it's nothing new to some of you but like I said I wanna be honest and in my being honest I may use certain language but it doesn't mean I'm making excuses for myself or looking for pity. I am just being very honest about how I feel. Now, with that outta the way, I wanna apologize for the length of this post lol

So as you may or may not have seen from a recent post I have been making plans to go back to school, technical school to be precise, but school nonetheless. Why? For the last 4 months I have been working very hard to find a job. I shit you not I have at one point filled out 30 applications in less than 72 hours. I've gone to countless job interviews, have wasted my own time, gas and money to be able to get a job. So far I landed that job at the airport but I left it before the week was out. See, during that interview I was promised a position directly with Spirit Airlines because of my previous 6 years of working at the airport. I only signed up because of that. So when I officially started I was then told they tell almost everyone that kind of thing to get people to sign up for the job. I was back at pushing wheelchairs only this time the company was somehow far worse than the one I had worked for previously. Pushing wheelchairs wasn't the problem. The problem was I had signed up for something in particular and was promised something wildly different than what I was facing. On top of that the first thing I heard on my very first day was "Watch what you say and to who to avoid drama. Also watch out for Nino because if she had a bad day she's gonna take it out on you."

...

What the fuck?

I also found out the hard way that leads don't like to help out other employees regardless of how busy the day is. I literally saw Nino seating her ass down all day long drinking coffee, meanwhile the rest of us were starving because we couldn't take our breaks because there were too many wheelchair requests. Hell, no. I left. I'm at an age where being a miserable sack of shit at a dead end job is NOT what I want.

And if any of you remember on February I'd been hired at The Exchange which is a U.S. military owned store. A glorified Walmart to be very fucking honest. I'd applied for a certain position and they put me in another that I couldn't do so they gave me the choice of either staying in that position or quitting. Not much of a choice. So countless mistakes on my part, a lot of humiliation, and gaslighting from management later I was fired for not being able to "perform my duties well". No shit, you piece of shit. Basically they set me up to fail which I did because they kept me in an area that I told them I wouldn't be able to work in and asked to be changed to the position I had applied to but they didn't. I even showed them all the email evidence but they all decided to tell me to my face that "I was aware of what I was doing". That was a super low point for me and my depression came back 10x fold.

Between March and July I was at the worst I'd ever been and being serious here video games kept me alive. I fucking sunk myself into ER and other games just so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I didn't really talk too much about it just to avoid thinking about it.

Then in July I got hit with the combo of covid and bronchitis and there I found I have diabetes. I legit wanted to fucking die right then and there. I hadn't felt that low since my last actual job, which, was the hotel.

That one single year at the hotel was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had a boss that CONSTANTLY kept telling me I was doing shit wrong. We were told to always remain driving the golf carts regardless of if it was raining or sunshine. My back hasn't been the same since. I was so stressed my period got fucked up and it was non-stop for a whole 2 months. I had to see a doctor and he even pointed out it was due to stress. My mental state deteriorated and I was in an ugly place. On top of that during that job was when I had that incident where some drunk asshole wanted to have his first gay experience and wouldn't take no for an answer and got VERY handsy.

That one whole year destroyed me and after I got fired it just destroyed my confidence and the effects are still affecting me. I legit question myself and I'm afraid of fucking everything. Every time I apply for a job I question if I can do it even if it's just standing there doing nothing. I will go hours on end worried half to death if I'll be capable of doing the job to the point of nausea.

So yeah, for a few years I avoided looking for a job because I was super afraid and depressed.

Coming back to 2022, around mid August I was actually doing a lot better, like pre depression me better. Sure it was due to the scare of catching the dieabeetus but the support from my family was so eye opening. It was life changing. So learning how to manage my radically different life I decided I was ready to get out there and get a job and get back on my feet after 5 years of depression.

It's been exhausting trying to find a decent job. The straw that broke the camel for me recently and made the depression pop back up again was an interview at a funerary home where they legit told me to my face, "We actually called you in for an interview because we were curious about this large 5 year gap between jobs. We were wondering if you just didn't wanna work."

.........

Listen, older people in the island keep parroting that nonsense about people not wanting to work anymore and it is so fucking damaging and harmful. Look, I am insanely proud of the younger generations telling shitty jobs that barely pay to fuck off and die. I am so proud that people have had enough of the abuse and want to stop it. So employers are out there crying that people don't wanna work anymore. No, you stupid puta, people are just so tired of abuse and barely making ends meet because y'all don't wanna pay people livable wages. I hate that shit, every time someone says that "no one wants to work anymore" I chew their ears off. I don't care who it is. I will verbally assassinate you if you say that garbage in front of me.

I've been working my ass off trying to find a job. Am I being picky about the location? Yes. Yes, I am. Traffic in Puerto Rico is a massive fucking nightmare. I don't want an 8 to 5 where I have to get up at 4:30 to be out at 5:30 to get to work at time and then get home at 9. I want to have enough time to get to the gym. Ever since I joined I've been losing so much weight and have been feeling so fucking amazing and it has had my diabetes in such amazing control that my A1C results went from 10.35% down to 4.2% from August to October! My family was in absolute shock when they saw the paperwork. So I do NOT wanna sacrafice my time at the gym for some crap job that'll treat me like shit, barely give me any time to myself and pay me horribly. Going to the gym has been the best decision of my life and I do not want to give it up.

So on to now. A year or more ago my aunt brought up courses of pet grooming to me but back then I was still deep in my depression and mess so I shrugged it off. Recently she noticed I was frustrated and stressed over not being able to land a job and she brought up the pet grooming courses again and I thought it was a good idea. I love animals, especially dogs, so working with animals, being able to set my own schedule, rules and do my own thing sounds like an amazing idea. So in February I'll be starting pet grooming classes. The course is 8 months long so if all goes well I'll be done by October.

I wanna dedicate all 8 months to the courses so looking for a job is on pause. The classes are 5 hours and 50 minutes from Monday to Thursday and I get overwhelmed easily. I've been stuck in a depressive jobless state for 5 years what's 8 more months? Besides, it was when I had full availability and I wasn't getting hired, a restricted schedule will make me seem far less appealing unless they're okay with a weekend warrior which I've yet to see.

What I'm getting at is that I am actually considering opening commissions just to get a teeny tiny bit of cash flow while at school. Now, I don't really have any unique angle to bring to the table, I don't have many followers, I am very painfully obviously self-taught but I'm willing to dedicate Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to that. I'm still very unsure if I'll try that yet but I've been flirting with the idea. I wanna play around with some other ideas before I give a definitive answer. IF and when I do I'll make a post about it with all the info.

So yeah, that's pretty much everything covered. Sorry for the length but if you read till the end I am eternally grateful and I love you for it.

[cowboymantis]

Let's talk about Kazuto Arase

Yakuza / Yakuza Kiwami , Yakuza 3 side content spoilers. Later on Yakuza LaD too, but I'll give a warning before that especially since a lot of people haven't played that yet.

So I have a lot of thoughts about Yakuza on my mind and just want to scream into the void about it somewhere to write 'em all down somewhere! I'm starting with... Arase.

Yeah, I know, a mostly very hated character (personality and battle-wise) that has so little screen time on top of it all too, is the first thing I'll be talking about.

Hear me out, I actually really love this character and only really started to appreciate him after I went for the Yakuza 3 platinum trophy... I've replayed this game so many times, I didn't mind it when I played through it first but seeing all the hate it has gotten, I went to replay it just in case and with that replayed it again and again because I just somehow loved it so much-

And you know, one part of Yakuza 3, also completion related so there was no way I could've missed it, were the Hitman missions. In general, after playing through all the main games I started to come back to a lot of characters I didn't like or minded the first time playing that are now some of my favourites (other examples are Tamashiro or Lau Ka Long, hell even Katsuragi)!

To come back to Arase, let's start with, well, the start: Yakuza / Yakuza Kiwami.

Introduced already in the very first Yakuza game, Arase is just there for a brief moment in the game, yet has a heavy impact on the game's story and Kiryu. It starts with Arase's oath brother Shinji being shot by Arases subordinate, Mochizuki, at least it looks like it. Shinji came here to rescue Reina, whose corpse then gets dragged on the roof of the Dragon Palace by Arase, Sergeant of the Nishikiyama Family. Now that's a pretty... heavy and sadistic first image for a character introduction, and honestly, his strong personality like that seemed also to be the reason he wasn't exactly loved by other members of the Family.

His battle theme in the first Yakuza game is called "Turning Point" which also puts more emphasis on how important this scene is, Kiryu breaking down, his scream when he sees Reina's body... It's really a turning point in the story.

In Kiwami, his new theme "Virtical Point" is also used as the intro song (or at least, the intro song "Vertical Point" is similar and shortened). Which also once again shows the importance of this piece.

Of course, he's not the most important character in the story, but it's still interesting to see how much there is around him other than his rather short appearance.

Then, his fighting style. Yeah, most hate this too and also the fact that starting from there, other bosses also sometimes use his moveset or a similar one. Like, take Jiro or Jo Amon or Andre Richardson... Basically just the usual dual wielding guns while being an athlete on crack - layout. It is actually not that bad, it's even less bad when you've got the right equipment but I have to admit I didn't really have that much good equipment when I first played all the games and basically just rushed through them because I just couldn't stop!

Arase's goal here of course was also to beat Kiryu but well, just like every other character ever, he couldn't do it and got beat instead.

And that's the end of that... The end of his part in the story and also the end of his part in the Nishikiyama Family, because he got disowned right after his failure.

Which is so... hmm... It makes me think. Many others have tried to take Kiryu down, too. And I mean, Arase was normally a very successful assassin, right? Yet this one failed attempt, at which everyone else too failed, got him disowned? Seems to me like they didn't like him and gave him an impossible task to have a reason to throw him out, huh?

And with that wonderful transition, let's get into his appearance in Yakuza 3.

You get introduced to the concept of the Honest Living Association, in short the HLA pretty much after Kashiwagis death. An association, founded by Kashiwagi to help Yakuza / former Yakuza who weren't meant for this life or just wanted out but just couldn't do in it on their own. For some, all they knew was the criminal life, so having a thing like this is especially helpful. Although, I'm kinda sad this was never a thing anymore after Yakuza 3. The whole concept of it was very cool.

Kiryu gets asked by Ibuki to help the HLA because there is an organisation of hitmen, also known as The Reapers (or The Avengers on PS3) whose goal was a different one than the HLA's, it was to kill Yakuza. The Reapers consisted of former criminals, mainly Yakuza, who were wronged by their superiours and expelled, disowned, you name it. Basically what happened to Arase.

Apprehending those hitmen is a totally optional part of the game and I have to admit, I didn't finish it my first time playing. Which is such a shame because it goes by so fast too when you play it after finishing the game! And the individual stories are all so interesting too, I've really enjoyed this side content and also replayed those missions already. You don't really expect someone like Arase to be behind all of it when it turns out to be him who is the founder and the leader of it all. I was already taken aback by Shinzaki being the lieutenant, or part of it at all. I often stopped by to listen to his guitar playing and talked to him, often asking myself is there's anything else up with him.

And once this one hitman contract came in and guitar playing was mentioned, I was just thinking "It can't be him...?", god, this whole side storyline just was so good. And here people come and say Yakuza 3 was a bad game.

The whole build-up to then reveal Arase was just so cool, honestly. It made me start to look more into his character after this confrontation. The fight was really cool too, just having to fight Shinzaki so many times wasn't really necessary, but Arase seems to like to fight alongside others, so fair enough.

And his theme "End Point" is also just so good. It's more similar to Turning Point than Virtical Point was. The name is also again fitting, since this is the end for The Reapers and Arases power.

It is made clear here that Arase has a strong hatred against the Yakuza and especially holds a strong grudge against Kiryu. He sees Kiryu as the reason he got wronged and had to leave the Yakuza behind, while also seeming to be very aware of the fact that the others there probably didn't like him at all.

He's so angry at him, he holds this whole speech and talks about revenge while Kiryu tries to talk some sense into him, eventually Ibuki also joins and tries to reason with Arase too. Telling him how that's what Kashiwagi wanted, even for Arase to find a new, honest life.

Arase is too strongly lead on by his grudges, so even though it seems like he might be thinking about turning his life around, he decided to not let them help him. Then he goes on about how he will definetly return to take revenge on Kiryu... Well. That's the end of that.

It becomes clear that Arases stubborn way of thinking is kind of childish. Not taking responsibility for any of his actions, thinking that his vile personality and actions are in fact the reason he got disowned. Failing to beat Kiryu was just the final puzzle piece to have a solid reason to throw him out. He's clearly unstable, doesn't think twice before shooting someone, he could turn on anyone and wouldn't be sorry for it. Just, he doesn't seem to really think about what he does.

I guess he probably thinks he's strong enough, he doesn't need to be careful. Also fitting for that is his fighting style in Dead Souls, how when he gets low on HP, he pretty much fends for himself, disregarding orders and just charging head first with full strength.

His Dead Souls appearance is also interesting. Okay, we all know, this game isn't canon, it's a spin-off and just doesn't fit in to the story. But it is interesting how he teams up with Kiryu for a bit and then leaves again. The game itself takes place after the events of Yakuza 4, meaning at this point RGG did remember that hey, they have a rival that swore to beat Kiryu one day. But after that... radio silence.

Really, this is such a shame. Just alone from his short appearances I can talk so much about Arase because he really is an interesting character with so much more potential! The only thing that's good about it is that he didn't die, making him technically one of the longest surviving characters in Yakuza which really is a great achievement.

Okay, we don't exactly know that he's still alive, but assuming due to there not being a mention of him being dead, he's probably alive. He might be, might not. Schrödinger's Arase.

One other thing I thought about is Jo Amon. I mean, his outfit and fight style is also similar to Arase, but that's not what I'm mainly thinking about. So the name Amon is for the greatest assassins, right? And they have a strong hatred against Kiryu at the beginning too.

So, putting those things together, Arase being a former assassin in the Nishikiyama Family, then the leader of a dangerous hitman organisation... Then, to fight Jo Amon in Yakuza 3 you also need to do all the hitman missions other than the substories and the IF7 fights. And to start the search for Amon, you also need to go to Ibuki again, where you got all the other hitman missions.

Yeah, it's a bit far fetched, but ... not too far fetched to think that maybe Arase and at least Jo Amon could know each other. I'd say, they could team up in a future game but. Well... Yeah.

Now some more things I thought about, I'll put a warning here though.

Yakuza LaD spoilers ahead!

Soooo, in this game we've gotten a couple of characters "back" ... Some more real than others... Thinking about Joon Gi's body double.

But one character that survived is Kashiwagi! Now the bartender of a bar named Survive. What a fitting name. After surviving such a heavy attack and believed dead by, well, everyone, it was the best approach to keep a low profile, start a new life. Also, he doesn't seem to be fit for any fighting after the incident.

So Kashiwagi is still there. And, now I just thought about, what if there was a possible redemption arc for Arase? Kiryu is believed dead now too, alone the fact that it seems that Kiryu never met Kashiwagi while being in the same area is kinda sad. I like to imagine they met each other...

I think it could go either way, Arase somehow got information on Kiryu being in Ijincho. He is a professional after all. Plus, by now Kiryu is also, well, not really working with... but. You know, not fighting with the Amon Clan anymore, even having Shin Amon to help determine Ichibans strength with the (True) Final Millennium Tower.

And, now, maybe there can be some other comnecting inside the Amon Clan and some info got out to Arase, ah, hell, I don't know, it's all so far fetched but I just like to have those possible headcanons of Arase somehow coming back!

Another possibility could also be Arase thinking Kiryu has died, just per chance being in the area and just going to the Survive bar? He'd probably be way more open about the thought of redemption and with Kashiwagi probably being pretty good at talking former Yakuza into that, given how the whole HLA was his doing.

Just... Thinking about possible things.

Yakuza LaD spoilers end here!

Well. That's that.

At the end of the day, the chances of Arase returning are pretty much 0, other characters you never thought of reappearing sometimes appear in one way or another, so it can be possible, but probably won't.

But one thing is clear, looking more into this character made me really appreciate him more. I guess that's the fact with a lot of characters, not just in Yakuza, but in general.

The characters in Yakuza are just so well written and even though it has some very weird and silly plot points and plot twists, I just love this game so much and looking more into it and replaying it is just so much fun.

I even started to like the minigames in Yakuza 3, even though I got very hopeless at the last pool opponent and the goddamn Mahjong completion, ugh. But at the end of the day it's all just really fun once you get the hang of it. It hasn't aged too well when you play it after the other Yakuza games, but replaying it on all the difficulties and then casually, then trying to beat it as fast as I can just made me love the game more and more every time.

So, uh... I don't know if it's a blessing or curse for me to often really like the characters that either everyone hates or have almost to screen time. Because well... there's such a lack of content and appreciation but hey that's what I'm writing this for!

I hope maybe someone starts to appreciate Arase more after this - if anyone even reads further after learning that I love this character. :D' I swear I tried to write it with as little bias as possible. I do know he's a morally very very grey character but after all, it's a video game character. (...There's no way I'll ever like characters like Yoneda...Ogita...Or Kume though... ugh)

Well anyway, with that, I go!

[impaladolan]

Control Freak - Grayson Dolan

summary: after Choff production lines CEO (finally) retires, a new boss makes his way into Y/N’s world..

warnings: sexual references/undertones

a/n: another Grayson series, i can’t help myself :)) enjoy!! also, ily <3

Ugh, he was in one of his moods again.

The office cubicles were hastily bustling with nervousness and terror. At any given moment, the infuriated man, so-called boss, will be bursting through the double doors with a dark red tint across his cheeks and maybe even smoke out of his ears, if you're lucky.

Mr. Kidman has never been good with the whole "patience is a virtue" thing, he's a ticking time bomb at all hours of the day. Nothing ever satisfies him, nor remotely excites him, he just finds something to yell and scream about at some poor unfortunate soul and then continues his merry day. But today, he was furious. He had no empathy for anyone, even his favorite two little secretaries that wear push-up bras like a side-job. Apparently someone had brought him the wrong breakfast order and everything just went downhill from there.

Unlike all the others, you seemed calm and composed amongst all this mayhem, but only because you, and maybe two others, knew that 'Old Angry Kidman' was finally retiring. Yep, freedom at last. Well, unless the new guy, or girl, has terrible anger issues.

So you just sat at your clean and pristine desk, typing another draft and adding it to the plentiful piles saved on your work computer, while soundlessly chewing on a mint piece of gum that substituted for the absence of a tooth brushing the morning of. But your quick finger movements were hushed once Mr. Kidman, as predicted, flew straight through the doors with his signature fiery red face and sweat droplets dotting his thinning hairline. "Every body fucking up! I've fucking had it with all of you." He demands, majority of the room raising from their seats with caution. With his teeth tightly gritted and his lips in a fine line, he swirls his index finger in the air, motioning to all of his terrified workers.

"If it were my fuckin' decision, I'd have each and everyone of you pieces of shits fired and on the streets in point ZERO-TWO seconds. You all are fucking lucky that this is my last day here, son's of bitches." A man of few nice words, that he is. The nicest thing you've ever heard him say was thank you, and that was two years ago. His vulgar and aggressive attitude truly brings the worth of working this job down. If it weren't for the good pay and lack of any other remotely feasible company jobs, you would've quit a long time ago.

But alas, you still endure the inevitable fiery reign of his obstructive wrath on the daily.

-

Dolan is his name.

The new boss, that is. That's the only information you and the rest of the staff knew, besides that he's a male. He hasn't shown up for work yet, or even formally introduced himself. Hell, you don't even know what he looks like. But you were certainly nervous for his arrival.

What if he's just like Kidman, or worse?

It most certainly made you nervous to think that this new guy could ever be worse than Kidman. You were hoping and praying that the he'd at least value his workers and employees.

Everyone, on your office floor, was anticipating the days and hours of his big arrival. No one was certain of when he was going to show up, or if. But nonetheless you were one of the most nervous ones. You held the highest title among your coworkers, except CEO of course, but you were pretty up there when it came to business standards. Everyone seemed to like you as well, your kind nature and natural non-brutal attitude sure did make up for other people's. Of course, you didn't really have an office of your own, because you enjoyed the time spent with the people around you. You truly loved the relationship and humbleness you gained from it. At least you weren't a snotty bitch, right?

There were plenty of little rumors around the workspace that you'd become the new (and improved) owner of this whole entire manufacturing company. Specifically a well known fashion line, Choff. The floor that you, and many of the other leading workers, were on was basically the information database. But from time to time, you'd find yourself strolling through the other, more clothing/model filled areas. Just to see how things were flowing.

Which is actually what you're doing in this moment; running your fingers along the racks filled with hangers that held all the fitted clothing items. It seemed like fun to be down here, measuring and sewing the different outfits to the men and women, but it also seemed stressful. Everyone's always in a rush, with their exploding New York accents and their flailing around all over the place. It's pretty amusing to watch from afar, but you'd be scared to get in anyone's way. They'd probably just run you over and continue their day unaffected.

With that thought in mind, you abruptly come to a stop when you run into the muscular backside of someone, startling you from your stare on the tiled flooring. You uttered a few apologies, taking a step back and straightening your pencil skirt from its newfound wrinkles.

"Lost, darling?" Your eyes trail the floor before you until they're stuck on a pair of shiny dress shoes, attached to a pair of long legs and a broad chest. Your eyes finally landed on the remarkably handsome face, of someone you didn't quite recognize. It wasn't uncommon to stumble across unknown employees, but could it be him?

"Frankly, no." You shortly answer, studying his jaw-dropping features. He was indubitably perfect, without a doubt. With a nicely trimmed beard decorating his beautifully shaped jawline, and big hazel eyes that stared right back at your own, he seemed unearthly. Like he was God's favorite angel sent down from heaven, just to show you a glimpse of what it'd really be like inside the pearly gates. "Are, um, you?" You weren't exactly nervous, just mystified. His recent smile grew into what seemed to be a smirk, while his right side's dimple grew more prominent.

"I'd like to say that I'm not, but I sadly am." He shrugs with a chuckle, sending a wave of unbeknownst pleasure through your ears and fluttering down your spine, until the ends of your toes were satisfied with his deep and raspy voice. "Could you maybe show me around this gigantic place? I've been in need of assistance for the last hour or so." He questions you, dropping his shoulders back and letting his eyes roam your stature before drifting to the interior of the long hallway the two of you are currently standing around in. "I very well could, but I have a dreadful meeting to attend to within the next five to ten minutes." Actually, the meeting was in fifteen minutes. You just simply wanted to see the man's reaction, which wasn't what you though it'd be;

"Perfect, I'll be in attendance for that as well. If you'd so kindly lead the way, I would most appreciate it." He smoothly negotiated, stuffing his right hand, which was tightly wrapped with an expensive looking watch, into his pocket with another grin. He seemed very eloquent with his words and the way he addressed things, it has to be him?

"Do you mind me asking of your name?" You began as you started your trek back to where you came from, your heels quietly clicking from beneath you as you lead the way, him following close behind. "Dolan, Grayson Dolan." He quickly answered. Indeed you were right in thinking he was the new (and maybe improved) CEO of all Choff productions. "New head guy?"

He only nods, to yet another one of your endless questions. "And what's your name, darling?" He asks as the two of you stop at an elevator, his quick hand beating yours to clicking the slightly worn down button. "Y/N Y/L/N, direct head management under you." You relay before boarding onto the empty elevator, the doors closing moments after the two of you were stood side by side. You fidget with the ends of your skirt, staying as calm as possible under his stare that you couldn't help but shrivel under.

"Under me, huh?" You almost gulped at the sound of his double meaninged phrase. Smart guy, hm? Your heart started beating a bit faster the more you thought of his little statement. Your mind became a whirlwind of visuals and fantasies before you could even stop it. Just those two little words had made you all sorts of a mess, and he hasn't even done much of anything. "Don't get too worked up darling, we have a meeting to attend." He chuckles as he steps off the elevator that had opened only seconds ago. You just scoff, your cheeks reddening as you stride right past him, maneuvering through the expanse of people that had just left the staff room, in order for the upcoming meeting to advance.

The moment you were sat in the room and time had passed to where everyone had finally shown up, you felt that lingering feeling of eyes on you. A pair of hazel eyes to be exact, who was sat far from you at the end of the long table. For meeting him not too long ago, he sure did seem comfortable around everyone. It was entirely too soon for you to be liking him already, better yet imagining different scenarios with him as someone boringly rambled. You decided that you'd forget him for the time being and focus on your job, as much as possible.

Though it would be granted as difficult as time moved on..

"That's the conclusion of this meeting. I thank everyone for being here, and I especially appreciate your appearance, Mr. Dolan. I'm happy to say that things around here will continue a lot smoother than it did in the past. And I know most others would agree." Burt Wallace, one of the coordinators, concluded after standing from his seat to dismiss everyone with a nod. While everyone dillydallied in conversations with one another, you in the other hand, hustled straight out of that room and towards the same elevator you had used earlier. The moment you clicked the button, the doors opened wide and you hopped in, tucking yourself in the corner while you gained your breath. You smile to yourself at the successful 'escape' from any questions or perhaps a witty comment from a certain CEO on the loose.

You sigh happily to yourself, watching the doors close again until a hand is stuck between them, pushing them straight back to reveal the man you were somewhat avoiding. "Care if I join you again?" He asked, but he still entered otherwise, clicking one of the many buttons to make the door close. "Did I have a choice?" You almost scoff, feeling his shoulder brush against your own as he stood in the same spot he had previously stood in. "Nah, not really, but I like to seem like a little bit of a gentleman." He answers, the roll of your eyes substituting for the internal scoff that you hadn't let out. The two of you rode in silence for what seemed to be eternity, only the faint sounds of your breaths being heard. As soon as the elevator door clanged and opened, you made a beeline out of there and hustled toward your organized workspace like there was a snake chasing you.

"What's the rush?" Ana Rita, one of the only tolerable women in this entire building, asked as you ducked under your desk. Even though you hadn't looked back to check, you had a feeling he'd follow you, or worse, ask you to meet him in his office. You weren't exactly sure why you were hiding from him, he seemed pretty nice. But he truly intimidated you. Not in a competitive way, more so a physical way. "And why the fuck are you down there?" The redhead crinkled her brows as she looked down her long nose at you. "Just, shhhh!" You bellow quietly, covering your pursed lips with your index finger.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hot man, six o'clock! Get your ass out of there!" She violently whispered at you, frantically tidying herself for the "hot man," presumably Mr. Dolan as you had predicted, approached your desks. You tightly hug your knees from under your desk, praying to god that he wouldn't somehow see you. "After noon, sir, may I help you?" You cringe at the seductive tone lined in her voice, something that Mr. Dolan unfortunately probably gets a lot of. "I'm looking for Ms. Y/L/N, I have some issues to discuss with her." Yet again, his girthy voice made you sigh with comfort. It's extremely calming to listen to.

"She's actually right here—" Ana, the little asshole she is in this moment, points straight at you as you plead with your eyes and shake your head vigorously. You suddenly see his handsome head peer over at you, his brows scrunched with confusion. "Uhm, cords were messed up, gotta fix them." You awkwardly chuckle, patting the outlet box stuffed with all your monitor's cords. You bring yourself out from below your desk as the two stared at you, dusting your front side and settling down in your office chair with a nervous smile.

"I'd like to have a word with you, in my office."

(masterlist)

[firemblem-fics]

Running With the Wolves [1]

preview | >>

-> Yuri Leclarc x Fem!Reader

-> Modern!Au | Gang!Au | Enemies to Lovers

-> Word Count: ~3.3k

-> Warnings: Violence, Blood, Cursing, Weapons

-> Summary: You were just a normal college student, trying to find her way in a new place. You didn’t mean to get caught up in the wrong crowd. You just wanted coffee, but now you’re running with the wolves.

-> A/N: SURPRISE I POSTED IT EARLY ! thanks to my lovely beta readers for helping me revise and edit this chapter to make it better! i’m still in a writing mental block but i think this is one step closer to getting out of it! so, please enjoy (again)! also, all characters are aged up (21+)! also y’all should reblog this so it gets out more 🥺

send me an ask if you’d like to be on the taglist!

"Fuck- She's losing too much blood, Boss, she's not gonna make it!"

"No, no. She's going to make it- I'll make sure of it. Stay alive!"

Your vision was dark and blurry- you couldn't quite see anything. You could only make out a few silhouettes hovering above you, each one rushing around and yelling frantically. You couldn't count how many were there. Your vision kept doubling and it was hard to discern one person from three. Focusing just caused things to get worse.

"Someone put pressure on the damn wound! She certainly won't make it if you all keep messing around."

It was only now that you noticed a sharp pain radiating from your chest, right below your ribs. You gasped loudly and coughed. It hurt worse than the throbbing that already coursed through your head. Your body burned.

Trying to look down, you saw a rag soaked in blood. Hands with bright nails pressed down on your wound to slow the flow, but it didn't seem to be helping. You started feeling dizzy and laid back again, clenching your eyes tight as nausea engulfed you.

"No, keep your eyes open, Y/N, dammit! Wake up!"

Slowly, the pain began fading, as did your view of the people above you and their voices. You could still barely hear the voice crying, sobbing out your name. Whoever they were, they were crushed.

"Wake up!"

Was that voice finally fading away too?

"Wake up!"

No- it was getting louder.

"Wake up!"

"Ellie, what the fuck do you want?" You groaned, rolling over on your bed.

Your roommate bounced on her knees, making your bed creak loudly. "What do you mean? It's like 10am, your class is at 11. Don’t talk to me with that tone of voice."

"Fuck me."

"Absolutely not, baby." Ellie smacked a pillow beside you and got up. "Get ready!" She went to her own room, leaving you to your own devices.

When you applied for an apartment roommate, Ellie was certainly not the one you were expecting. You would've preferred a chill, laid-back, person. Instead, Eleonora Yumizuru walked into your life (and apartment) and practically made herself at home. She didn't judge you from transferring so far away from your old home for your last year of college, claiming that "home roots don't mean shit when it comes to making it in the real world".

She had the right to say such a thing, having moved to Fodlan from another country in her youth. She was able to understand the occasional homesickness and help you cope as you adjusted to Fodlan life. She understood you like the back of her hand from the moment you met and you did the same for her.

Really, you had to let her move in. She’d probably have stayed even if you rejected her.

She was the complete opposite of what you were looking for- overconfident, stubborn, loud- but she grew on you and easily became your best friend. There was just something about the bubbly, blue-eyed, blonde-bobbed bitch that hooked you.

She had certainly hooked other people as well, but thank God her bedroom is on the other side of the apartment. Her social skills and magnetic personality worked for platonic friends and acquaintances as well. Ellie was constantly bringing over friends, allowing you to expand your own circle. She was heaven-sent for a newbie like you.

You sat up from your bed, yawning and stretching. Trudging to your bathroom, you rolled your eyes as the infamous Taylor Swift blared through Ellie's speakers, "Shake it Off" shaking the entire apartment. Nothing against T. Swift, but sometimes she was not the first thing you want to hear when you wake up. At least not at max volume. Ignoring the song switching to "You Belong With Me" -another banger from Swift herself, but really "Teardrops on My Guitar” was your favorite- you finished getting ready and lazed into Ellie's room.

"I've got class 'till late today." You sat on her bed. "Do you want me to pick up dinner? It’ll let me explore the area."

"Oh, please do. You need to get out more. But where?"

You shrugged. "There's really only like two good food places here. Golden Pizza and Blue Lion Buffet. Your choice."

Ellie thought for a moment. "I went to the buffet with my little friend Touma the other day... so pizza! I just can't choose a side in their little spat."

"Spat?" You tilted your head.

"Goodness, Y/N! I know you're a little new here, but you haven't even heard of the shit that goes on between those restaurant owners?"

Shaking your head, you stayed silent for her to continue.

"The owners of Blue Lion Buffet, Eagle's Freezery, and Golden Pizza are all huge rivals. I heard they were all close, but went their separate ways. All the owners' kids are our age, too. They go to Fodlan Uni, but I don't know who they are." She smiled. "I am an esteemed woman with an upcoming high status. Who would I be to take sides? I prefer to cater to them all."

You could only nod, hiding a smirk at Ellie’s infatuation of fame. A huge restaurant rivalry. How funny. "What about that little cafe on the corner? What's it called? Café des Loups?"

"They're pretty neutral, just some college dropouts trying to make some money. I think they’re gonna get involved eventually- every restaurant’s been dragged into their drama at least once."

You nodded, standing up and messing with your apartment keys. "I'll keep that in mind. Bye, Ellie!"

"Bye! I better see some pizza later!" She called as you made your way out of the apartment, now playing "I Knew You Were Trouble".

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

College was honestly a scam.

You sat in the classes for two hours at a time, for what? You were paying thousands of dollars to be talked at by old dusty men who made you fall asleep faster than trying to read their overpriced textbooks. You paid thousands to nap at a desk.

Unfortunately for you, though, your thousand dollar desk nap was interrupted by a tapping on the surface. You huffed and looked up, coming face to face with a pair of soft, orange eyes. They radiated kindness and just looking into them seemed to lift your mood immediately.

"Hey, you need to wake up for this part. The professor said there's gonna be a quiz on this section tomorrow."

You shot up, looking back at your professor. Blushing embarrassedly, you smiled at the boy. "Thank you..."

"Ferdinand." He drew his bottom lip in between his teeth, as if to conceal his smile, before giving up and returning yours just as brightly.

As you faced forward to Professor Hanneman, as you were pretty sure his name was- or was it Ham Man? You didn’t care enough to know- you were now struggling with two distractions. One, the weight of your eyelids as they threatened to pull you back into dreamland. Two, Ferdinand.

You kept glancing at him, taking in his complexion. He must have come to class late, since you didn't see him before. Or maybe he was on time- you did fall asleep quite early into the lecture.

You were eyeing his carefully sculpted jawline, dotted with subtle stubble that connected to sideburns and led up to clean, silky, orange hair. You wished to run your fingers through it-

"Y/N, this is the second time I've seen you not paying attention." You jumped nearly three feet in the air. "Next time, I'll have to ask you to leave my class since you are obviously taking it as a joke."

"I-I'm not joking! Sorry!" You stuttered, finally finding a reason to keep your attention on the lecture. You did look away once, just to glare at Ferdinand, who only winked and chuckled at your misfortune.

Class was eventually over and you sighed, finally loosening up from forcing yourself to pay attention. You packed your notebook and laptop and swung your backpack on, getting ready to leave the room before a voice called to you.

You turned back. "Ferdinand?"

"I was simply wondering where your next class was. I can walk you to it, if you'd like." Said boy walked quickly towards you, holding himself with a nearly-perfect posture. You felt anxious- he was trying to make himself seem like a gentleman, but you still felt a little unnerved.

"Oh, um, sure! It's not for another fifteen minutes, but it is across campus."

Ferdinand's grin seemed to get larger, making his eyes crinkle at the edges. "How wonderful! That little café is down there and I've been meaning to check it out anyways. It works out perfectly."

"Uh, yeah." You laughed nervously. This was the first time a boy had taken interest in you- or was he really interested? Maybe he's just being nice-

"Also, before I forget. May I get your number? I'd like to talk to such a gorgeous woman like you a little more."

Oh, he was so interested. You had to make yourself breathe again as you handed him your phone to let him put his number in. He gave it back to you and you noticed a heart and a smiley face emoticon next to his contact name. Your heart fluttered at the sight of the emojis and you felt your cheeks heat up a bit. Ferdinand gave you a sweet smile before holding the door open for you, letting you lead the way to your next class.

On the way to the building, Ferdinand spent the time asking you questions and getting to know you better. He had scratched basically the entire surface of you, save for the secrets that new people shouldn't know, and the same could be said for you. Ferdinand was definitely a polished and refined man. He made quite the impression on you.

"What are you doing after classes?" You asked, hoping to invite him for pizza at your apartment.

"Ah, I've got work!" He smiled sheepishly. He definitely caught onto your hopes...

"Really? Where? Maybe after, you could stop by for some Golden Pizza-"

"Actually, I work at the Eagles Freezery." He was tense, suddenly. "So I really shouldn't. Rivalry and all of that, you know?"

You were a little confused, actually. "Why would that prevent you from hanging out for a bit? You didn't buy it, I did. Plus I thought the rivalry was only between the buffet and the pizza place?”

"It's- it's a loyalty thing. It’s between all three of us.”

"It's a restaurant. How loyal could you possibly be to a dumb little ice cream parlor-"

"It's more than that!" Ferdinand snapped his mouth closed, suddenly making himself quiet after his angry outburst. "Listen, I cannot and will not eat there, look at it, talk about it, or do literally anything about it. Please, just understand that."

"Uh, yeah." You nervously readjusted your backpack on your shoulder. "I- I should get to class now. I'll see you later, Ferdinand."

"Goodbye, I'll message you after work!" With that, he sent you a wink and a smile and turned, going about his own day with the most carefree pep in his step. As if nothing ever happened. You, on the other hand, could not have been more confused. Ferdinand seemed unpredictable when it came to his moods. He was comforting and kind, yet was so… upset when you insulted the parlor. It was a restaurant. Why did he get so worked up about it? Maybe Ellie was right about it being such a big deal.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“I just ordered! Go, go, I’m starving!”

Not even five minutes after you got out of your last class, Ellie was calling to remind you about dinner. You were still slightly unnerved from your encounter with Ferdinand, but you agreed to pick it up and would never hear the end of it if you didn’t do something as simple as takeout.

Golden Pizza was only about two blocks away and you stayed on the phone with your roommate the entire time, only saying goodbye as you walked in the establishment. The restaurant was very nice, the honey yellow walls and the glow of the wood-fired oven making the ambience warm and welcoming. You didn’t wait long in the line, soon coming up to meet a boy about your age with a glimmering emerald gaze and a smile just as bright at the front counter.

“Hi!” The boy- Claude, according to his nametag- greeted, “How can I help you?”

“I’m just picking up an order for Eleonora Yumizuru.”

Claude nodded and typed a few things into a computer at the counter. “I know Ellie! She and I had Stats together before she dropped out to pursue her acting career. She’s certainly something.”

“Oh, definitely. I’m her roommate.” Speaking of the devil, your phone vibrated in your pocket. It was a message from her. “She actually just messaged me. Wants me to bring her a dumb little lemonade from that cafe.”

Claude laughed, “You can go and get it now, if you’d like. Your pizza will be a few more minutes. Ellie set the time for your pickup for later, so you’re actually ten minutes early.”

You thanked him and left, walking to the cafe. You took your time, observing the shops around you. Across the street from Golden Pizza stood the Blue Lion Buffet. You smiled to yourself- what a cliche to have rivals across from each other. Beside the pizza parlor was another food shop, the Eagles Freezery. You thought about Ferdinand- he said he was working today. Maybe you could drop by and- No. No, Y/N. Go get your lemonade and go.

A soft bell chimed as you opened the door. You saw four people in cafe uniforms, going about their day as you approached the register.

“Welcome to our humble abode!”

“Constance, that’s only used for a home.”

You shyly waved at the so-called Constance and the pink-haired girl who corrected her. Cafe des Loups- or Cafe of Wolves- was a quaint place, quiet and not crowded, kind of like an off-brand Starbucks. Dim lights adorned the high black ceiling, illuminating the shop just enough for a comforting ambience. There was a mural of a rainforest painted on the wall to the opposite of the counter with comfortable tables and lounging areas. If you could, you’d probably waste the day away lounging around. It was the perfect environment for an introvert like you.

At this shop, a large dark-haired man controlled the register instead of Claude. As you approached the register, you noticed that he wasn’t wearing a nametag, but you had a small urge to call him Bigfoot.

“Hey! What can I get ‘cha?”

You scoured the menu. “Just two pink lemonades is fine-”

“Oh! Good choice!” Constance interrupted you, coming to stand beside the man. “Yuri-bird over there makes the best sweet lemonades!”

You followed her gaze over to a man who was sitting on a stool, slouched down and leaning his head on his hand. He stretched and stood up. “Thank God, we haven’t had many customers all day. I was starting to think we lost our appeal.”

“Of course we have not!” Constance replied. She turned to you, but you couldn’t tell whether she was still talking to Yuri or you. Maybe it was neither. “Not when someone as handsome as Yuri is making the drinks and my attractive self is greeting the customers!”

“Hey! I’m just as much of a visual as the boss-man.” The taller man joined in after taking your money. “We’re all pretty nice looking. Especially this little lady ordering~”

You blushed a bit. “Oh, please, I’m nothing special-”

“Nothing special?” Constance laid her hand against her chest. “You’re wonderful! Almost on the same level as me. Isn’t that right, Yuri-birdie?”

Yuri looked up from making your drinks, his analytical eyes seemingly boring holes into you. You shuddered, feeling like he could tell your deepest and darkest secrets from just looking at you. He shrugged, going back to the lemonades.

“She’s alright, I suppose.”

“You suppose? Yuri, that’s rude-”

Hapi was midway through lecturing the purple-haired man when the door to the shop chimed open and a rather large group came in. Yuri looked up and suddenly stood alert, as did the other three workers. In the group, you saw a familiar head of orange hair and orange eyes met yours. Your face screwed up into confusion.

“Ferdinand?”

“Don’t say anything.” The leader of the group, a short, white-haired girl snarled. “Are you a new… worker here?”

“Wh- you just told me not to say anything.”

Slowly, Yuri and the other three came up beside you, standing slightly in front. Your heart nearly stopped- you were in the middle of something you definitely weren’t supposed to be in and your sass had gotten on their bad side already. The white-haired girl scrutinized the five of you, her lavender eyes piercing holes through whatever facade of confidence you had tried to put up. You could feel yourself literally wither under her gaze, even more than you did when Yuri looked at you.

“What do you want, Edelgard?” Yuri put his hands on his hip, one fiddling with something under his shirt.

“I want your loyalty.”

Yuri snorted. “You aren’t in charge.”

“I’m not? Hm. Tell that to my father after he stepped down. I’m the leader now- the emperor, if you will.” Edelgard sighed heavily. “I have no time for more conversation if you won’t comply. Hubert, deal with them.”

The terrifying man who you assumed was Hubert suddenly reached in his coat and pulled out a handgun, aiming it at the five of you. Yuri quickly retaliated and pulled one of his own, throwing it at Constance before grabbing your wrist and running to the back. A loud gunshot rang through the air as you and Yuri continued to run. You both dodged around coffee shop equipment and he dragged you through a labyrinth that they considered the back of the store.

As you were running, Yuri pulled you to a sharp right turn and your arm scraped against a metal machine in your way. You hissed in pain and looked down at it, seeing a large wound going down your shoulder to your elbow. It was starting to bleed rather quickly, but you had no time to worry about it. You’d have time to tend to it if you survived.

“What’s happening?”

“No time to explain. Quick, hide!”

Yuri pushed you against the wall in between two larger cabinets and stood in front, grabbing yet another gun from his other hip. He cocked it, listening for the ruckus of the fight in the main room to make its way towards your location. You were shaking like a leaf, grabbing tightly onto your wounded arm and smearing blood all over your fingers and your clothes. You breathed heavily, trying to calm yourself at least a little- was this why Ferdinand had been so defensive over the Eagles Freezery? What kind of restaurant rivalry would constitute attempted murder? And wasn’t this cafe uninvolved anyways? You didn't have time to ponder any more questions as a loud crash echoed through the room. Yuri lifted his gun and began to speak lowly, not taking his eyes off of the door.

“When I say run, go out the back door and get in the black car back there. Don’t go home- one of them will find you.”

A gunshot rang through the air and Constance, Balthus, and Hapi burst through the doors, running towards you all. Yuri turned to you as the three of them caught up to him, pulling out their own weapons again as Edelgard began yelling.

“Run!”

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taglist: @fairyblue-alchemist @emperor-pizza @flavoredmilktea @fe3h-random-writing-and-stuff @mifuyuyu @blviddyd @laurexlance @atomicchocolatecookie @mapesandoval @local-goth-lilz

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[oneoflokis-blog]

This is basically all about what a fine wicked fellow Loki is 😄 - and all the weird and wonderful creatures He represents - and that represent Him. And his usual actions as an agent of destruction, and of change. 🙂

There is a Younger Tradition of lore in Scandinavia: in which Loki, among many other things, takes over the role of the Biblical "lord of the flies, and bringer of vermin".

Ain't the Boss just a peach?!?!! 🍑😄😄😄😄😄😄

This was all brought to the forefront of my mind by the recent global outbreak of coronavirus: and although Scandinavian or Norse tradition doesn't mention diseases and Loki (oh: except one spelling of one of his runes, "kaunaz", can mean sore or zit! 😏)

Well I thought He just might be somehow something to do with this epidemic: Especially since it ironically struck first in the UK in the North of England, where they recently voted the wrong way in my opinion: in favour of Brexit, and more importantly, for the Tories to win the general election in order to "get it done".☹️👎

Well maybe Loki's now going to do YOU, I wickedly speculated, and tweeted as much. 😏

Yes: nasty of me, I know. But I am very fed up with the current political state of affairs. And my heart has only been HARDENED over the past couple of weeks, with news stories coming out of the North such as that some people threatened a Chinese takeaway owner in Newcastle and his young school age son, for "bringing in coronavirus". OBVIOUSLY these were the exact same bigoted types who voted for Tories "against immigrants": and against the evil socialist devil Corbyn, who they doubtless feared would bring in more... 🙄

I couldn't find the link to the Newcastle story: although it was reported on Heart FM; and the takeaway owner even briefly interviewed. Well anyway, here are a couple of stories from the national press about how wonderfully some people are acting regarding the virus and its supposed links to Chinese people 🙄:

Chinese in UK report 'shocking' levels of racism after coronavirus outbreak | UK news | The Guardian

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/feb/09/chinese-in-uk-report-shocking-levels-of-racism-after-coronavirus-outbreak

Coronavirus fears fuel racism and hostility, say British-Chinese | World news | The Guardian

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/feb/01/coronavirus-weaponised-way-to-be-openly-racist

It's just that I think *human stupidity is currently so great*, that I think we need some *Darwin awards* to be carried out, before we have any more elections. Loki can here as ever be seen as an embodiment of evolution.

However, I can't claim innocence for the South-West, either: because recently I heard on Heart FM that in Exeter, I believe, some louts attacked an Asian taxi driver and asked him if he had coronavirus... 🙄🙄

Looks like I'd better stock up on echinachea and Vitamin C; in case Loki in his Aspect of Lord Of The Flies pays my area a visit... 😦 (Update: Done it days ago now!! 👍)

Loki Lord Of The Flies! 😄

As usual, I take my leads from fellow Lokean Dagulf Loptson's erudite book:-

Animals - Snake 🐍: Though there isn’t much evidence to suggest this correspondence in the Eddas, the animal which I have always most closely associated with Loki is the snake. Snakes have globally been used as symbols of power, transmutation, lightning, fire, sexuality and forbidden knowledge, all of which are intrinsic parts of Loki’s character. The snake is also a very chthonic symbol, symbolizing both the power of life (as in the kundalini) and the power of death (when it makes its home underground in the “underworld”). The shedding of its skin also grants the snake power over shape-shifting and transformation. Like Loki’s own power, snake venom can be deadly or healing, as the antidote for snake venom is derived from the venom itself. Perhaps then it is no coincidence that Loki was tortured with snake venom in the Eddas: The symbol of his own powers was turned on its head and used against him. Due to Loki’s association with snakes and the evidence suggesting he may have been revered in Denmark, I was gratified to find a passage by Ermoldus Nigellus in In Honor of Ludovick, written between 826 and 827 CE, in which he states that “The Danes were a tribe that revered a sneaky snake. This was back in the old days.”

Unlike Óðinn and Þórr, Loki doesn’t have an official symbol with which to identify his devotees. However, I have personally adopted a coiled serpent as Loki’s symbol, and it’s not unusual to find many snake symbols on my person as a result!

[NB: Apparently there's something also, a Norwegian design called the Urnes snakes, which may be symbolic of Loki. LK]

Spider🕷️: In her book Loki in Scandinavian Mythology, Ann Birgetta Rooth makes the interesting observation that Locke is a name for “spider” in southern Sweden, and from this derives a hypothesis that Loki was originally a spider trickster god just as Iktomi and Ananzi were in their respective cultures. While I wouldn’t go as far as to suggest that Loki was purely a spider god, I do believe that the spider is an appropriate animal symbol for Loki. Loki’s child Sleipnir possesses eight legs like a spider, Loki weaves together the first fishing net, and like a spider, Loki possesses the power to walk in between realities (i.e. between the sky and the earth). Loki’s power to create nets also signifies his ability to manipulate the web of wyrd (fate), and his ability to create his own net demonstrates the power he holds over his own destiny. In my own experience, Loki has often used physical spiders in order to get my attention. As I am actually terrified of spiders, this tactic works quite well.

Fly/Flea 🦗: Axel Olrik quotes a folk story from Denmark in his Loke in Younger Tradition, which recalls the close association with flies and fleas in Loki’s mythos. That same evening [Maundy Thursday] three whips had to be twisted, in order to repair the sled of Loke, who at that point would come driving with a load of fleas, and had broken the sled, as the load was very heavy. If this wasn’t performed, there would be an incredible amount of fleas the next year. 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[A sled-load of fleas - I can think of several good homes I'd like those to go to! 😏 Starting with no. 10 Downing Street...]

As Loki takes the form of a fly in Skáldskaparmál and a flea in Sörla þáttr, it’s evident that he came to be associated with annoying pests in the same way that he was with annoying weeds. However, Jan de Vries suggests that these folk sayings are a late development in Loki’s mythos, and he was given the role of the Christian Beelzebub as lord of the flies and bringer of vermin. 😈😄

Perhaps it is actually these creatures’ association with death and the underworld that make them appropriate symbols for Loki.

Vulture: As I have already noted in Chapter 2, Loki is known by the kenning Gammleið (“vulture’s path”) in Þórsdrápa. In the Agnicayana, the vulture was conceived of as the bird which carried fire to earth, while in countless other cultures it is a bird associated with death. If Loki is the fire of cremation and sacrifice as I have theorized, then the vulture is an extremely relevant symbol for him. Not only does the vulture remove flesh from bone as the cremation fire does (and Loki does in Gylfaginning) but like the snake, it is also a powerful transformative symbol: The vulture eats sickness and death in order to transmute it into life for itself and its family. As the Raven is undoubtedly Óðinn’s bird, I would suggest that the vulture fulfills a similar function for Loki.                                    

                              

Source: Playing With Fire: An Exploration of Loki Laufeyjarson (Epub), Dagulf Loptson.

https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=UcI5CgAAQBAJ

Like I said, the Boss is a peach!! 🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑😄 (As Lord of the Flies he's already been round to see Nadine Dorries, for one... Can it get any better??)

But some divine entity has to do it... To be responsible for such things, I mean. Get rid of the dead wood; prepare for renewal.

If only just useless capitalist toff politicians like, say, Boris Johnson got - and succumbed to - COVID-19... But of course I know beforehand that that's very unlikely. He's not in the "risk group". (There are some diseases, though, that strangely strike fit young and middle-aged people; not the very young, nor the old. I believe I read that the 1918-19 Spanish flu virus a hundred years ago was a bit like that...)

Anyway, there's a cliché of a German saying: "Unkraut vergeht nicht": literally, "Weeds don't perish." Meaning: things that are useless tend not to die or go under... 😏

LK

[mikami]

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on Mello and Hal's 'relationship'. Both in the manga & the anime (but more so in the manga), I got the vibe that Hal had crush on/legitimately liked Mello, and she seems genuinely upset when he dies. But why? This is the guy most likely responsible for the death of her coworkers, and has pointed a gun at her on multiple occasions. Is it Ohba's sexism again? Or was she trying to trick Mello into giving her information by seducing him? I really can't tell.

I never thought Lidner had a crush on Mello or was even trying to seduce him, truth be told. I think her interest in him is largely pragmatic, with maybe a hint of having a soft spot for him, but… not in any attraction-way of it.

Like for one, I consider it incredibly unlikely she’s into him due to the age difference alone. When they meet she’s 29 and he’s 19, she has little reason to even see him as a full adult, let alone a viable sexual partner. I think the way she treats him is often very reflective of this age dynamic, much more than any of her conversations to Near who, despite being younger, is legally her boss. Lidner owes no such respect to Mello.

The two of them meet rather ominously ca. a day after Mello blows up his hideout. I say ominously because Mello is injured in LA area - Lidner lives in NYC, on the completely opposite coast. There is no way she’d have been able to make a 5 hour flight to LA and back without Near noticing, so she can’t have picked him up there intentionally. So rather than that, apparently Mello managed to drag his severely injured ass onto a plane without attracting attention and get to NYC almost immediately after blowing half his face off.… Ohba still doesn’t know how injuries work, news at 11.

Near said that Mello is very likely to have information on Gevanni and Lidner but let them live intentionally, so they could serve as future reference to him.So we can… reasonably assume he approached Lidner and tried to threaten her into helping him out? But that…. didn’t work out all that well, judging by how they interact when we see them a week later.

Mello lived in her apartment all that time and judging by her immediately raising her hand to shush him when she comes in, it is pretty much commonplace that he waits for her with a gun out in case it’s someone suspicious. She is no longer impressed  or intimidated by this at all.

She makes that clear a second time in the shower scene, by explicitely mentioning that he can only threaten her with a gun but it’s not a very convincing threat either, so basically “you don’t own me, Mello.”Mello may still make attempts to threaten her, but she makes clear that she’s the one holding the power here.

The line about living in the bathroom strikes me more as a mocking joke than flirting here. It is obvious that it’s not possible for him to live there because she couldn’t smuggle food in there consistently and he wouldn’t have any way to leave - he’d essentially be her prisoner or sell himself out to Near immediately.So far, he seems to be able to come and leave as a he please, given he has his jacket on which implies he was either about to leave or just came back? (To be fair, this is debatable because it’s probably just Obata’s aesthetic, but still…)

That she doesn’t mind having him around seems to be more about having her assets close. By being a double agent for both Near and Mello, she currently has more information power than any other person involved in the case and not losing this advantage is like… a good idea.I doubt she specifically finds him pleasant company, given he killed her coworkers and habitually points guns at her head, but if anything I can see her being ever so slightly amused by him.

She treats him a lot like a child. In the course of this one conversation she asks “so, what are you going to do?” three times, a little like a teacher questioning a student. She sees herself as the one calling the shots in conversation, the one who determines which questions get solved.

The line above additionally unmasks the bathroom-living line as a joke because when she discusses viable options, it’s not among them.And again, she calls the shots, she attempts to blackmail him.

The power dynamic only shifts when he threatens her with the gun again, but even when she goes along with it, she seems more slightly tense than afraid.

Like half an hour later she throws herself in front of his barrel anyway, so point stands that Mello’s guns got nothing on her except a minimally persuasive power.

Also interesting here is that she has a good understanding of his motivations that she uses effortlessly to emotionally influence him. Between what she gathered from Near and what Mello may have mentioned himself, she has a good understanding of what makes him tick.There is no rue basis for saying this other than her patronizing attitude earlier, but I think this further contributes to her viewing him more as a child. A gifted, useful child with a lot of information, but not an emotional equal.

She does have a remarkable willingness to go along with his plans, however. And admittedly, this is where I have intense trouble understanding her.As stated in the above panel, she thought that Mello would act to beat Near to the punch. Yet she hands Takada over to him with little hesitation:

So she probably expects him to have some sort of reasonable plan that will give them more information? I struggle to see what plan she imagines here though, given she has not given him complete information about the Kira case:

But evidently, she liked Near’s plan enough to not tell Mello about Mikami and hence prevent him from messing with Near’s set-up.So she’s very between “okay let’s not disturb Near’s plan too much, but also let’s let Mello kidnap this woman and see what happens”??

I’m… not fully able to make sense of her thoughts here, but I suppose what we can take away from this is that Lidner wants Kira caught and for that she’ll take the best of both worlds - however she thought that would turn out in combination, uh. She’s neither on Mello’s nor on Near’s side, she is on the “let’s fucking catch Kira” side.

When Mello dies, I consider her mostly shaken because of how unexpected it is and how more-or-less direct her involvement in it is.After all she acted as a catalyst for this situation that led to both Mello’s and Takada’s death by making the choice to hand Takada over.

The original Japanese text of this panel is “Ko…. kore wa…. Mello…” which means as much as “Th-that’s… Mello…”, so ‘oh no’ is not a literal translation.She’s expressing her shock that this is happening at all first and foremost.

In that sense, I personally think it’s too much said to claim she’s mourning for Mello specifically here. Though to be fair, she doesn’t spare a thought for Takada’s death. You could argue that this is because Takada is on Kira’s side but since Mello has killed her coworkers that reasoning loses some weight.

Lidner may not have any deep personal feelings for Mello, but she has developed more of a connection with him than she has with Takada for sure.

In the end, she tries to make sense of the spiral that is her involvement in Mello’s death leading to her own survival. I think it’s a quite understandable reaction to wish for one’s survival to be founded in more than mere coincidence. That is easily achieved with the assumption that Mello knew what he was getting into. In a way, that’s the clean solution to the situation from where Lidner is standing.

So to sum up: I don’t think Lidner had any kind of romantic or sexual interest in Mello, instead treating him like a child. Nevertheless, she thought him capable and useful and thought it worth it to work with him. His usefulness outweighed the death of her colleagues to her and she came to think of him positively, despite his threats to her (probably because she never took them seriously to start with lmao).

I’m hesitant to call her emotions for him especially deep, but she seems to feel some degree of responsibility and thus remorse for his death. How much of that is Mello specific and how much of it is just the general weight of human lives is debatable.

The anime meanwhile fucked all this over. In the anime they meet for the first time when Mello breaks into her home and ambushes her as she comes out of the shower. In light of that, the fact that the rest of their dynamic remains similar is pretty weird, but ah, that’s the anime for you.......

So yeah, that’s my thoughts on this? I’ve never sat down to try and truly understand this before, so keep in mind this is just my personal reading and that I haven’t really thought it over all that much yet.

[dorothydelgadillo]

15 Books I'd Recommend to Any Aspiring Inbound Leader [+VIDEO]

I am an evangelist for personal development.

Not striving for perfection or to be the best, but, simply, getting better every day.

This way, you are never satisfied with knowing “enough.” You never feel like you’re done. You keep working at it, making you relevant, all the time.

Personally, I try to do this is through reading.

Books are treasures to me. I read all kinds ranging in topics from leadership, business, philosophy, fiction, and let’s not forget the Harry Potter series…

I read, on average, a little over book a week, which means, some weeks, I finish one book, others, I finish three, but then there are some where I binge on Netflix…

As I continue to work on writing and speaking about Inbound Leadership, I thought I’d share 15 great books that have helped me refine my view on leadership and have helped me get better, one day at a time.

1. Band of Brothers: E Company, 506th Regiment, 101st Airborne from Normandy to Hitler's Eagle's Nest - by Stephen E. Ambrose

My main takeaway - Dick Winters (one of the main officers in the book) was the best example of a leader who led from the front, understood his role as a leader, and truly cared about his people, while still achieving success. I found his story truly inspirational. 

2. Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, by Simon Sinek

My main takeaway - “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it.” Understanding and being able to articulate your organization’s and your own purpose is a key to truly inspiring your team (and your potential customers).

Check out his TED talk on this topic.

3. Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t, by Jim Collins

My main takeaway - Get the right people on the bus and in the right seats.

4. Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter, by Liz Wiseman

My main takeaway - The importance of a growth mindset and how it is ok, as a leader, to acknowledge you’re not always the smartest person in the room. The best thing you can do is figure out how to multiply the intelligence of everyone on the team to achieve success.

5. Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together and Others Don’t, by Simon Sinek

My main takeaway - If you are focused on your people and create an environment where they feel valued, you will be on the right track to achieving your long-term goals.

Check out his Ted talk on this topic.

6. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, by Daniel Pink

My main takeaway - Autonomy, mastery, and purpose are what most high-potential people are looking for in their work, not simply money or rewards.

7. Ego is the Enemy, by Ryan Holiday

My main takeaway  - Lose your ego, you’ll get more done.

8. Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, by Adam Grant

My main takeaway - The importance of being others focused, while knowing you can give too much.

Check out his  Ted Talk on this topic.

9. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brene Brown

My main takeaway - Being open and vulnerable are generators of trust & relationships.

Check out her Ted talk on this topic.

10. The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups, by Daniel Coyle

My main takeaway - Building and maintaining a strong culture takes work. You never truly arrive in regards to culture; you’re always working on it.

11. The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, by Robert I. Sutton

My main takeaway - There is no need to be a jerk to be effective.

12. Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, by Kim Malone Scott

My main takeaway - You have to put in the work to build a relationship with your team to build trust. Once this is done, challenging them directly to move the ball forward isn’t seen as being mean or tough, but completely honest. Check out the Brie Rangel’s review of this book.

13. The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More, & Change the Way You Lead Forever, by Michael Bungay Scott

My main takeaway - The basic coaching questions laid out in the book: “What’s on your mind?” “What’s the real challenge here for you?” “What Else?”

If you can incorporate these questions into your routine, you’ll better enable and empower your team.

14. Team of Teams: New Rules of Engagement for a Complex World, by Stanley McChrystal with Chris Fussell, Tantum Collins, David Silverman

My main takeaway - The importance of gaining a shared consciousness throughout your organization.

15. One Mission: How Leaders Build a Team of Teams, by Chris Fussell and Charles Goodyear

My main takeaway - Meetings, when effective, are where we come together to gain a shared consciousness, so we can empower people to make decisions and get after it.

Book It!

There you have it.

Each one of these books has a special place in my heart and mind, as they have shaped the way I view leadership. To me, they are prized possessions and some of the most valuable tools you can use to grow.

Let me know your thoughts! Tweet me @chrisduprey82. I’d love to know what you’re reading to help “sharpen the saw,” as Stephen Covey would say.

from Web Developers World https://www.impactbnd.com/blog/books-inbound-leaderships