#in my mind i am okay. like. i’m neutral. not having thoughts about anything tremendously moving or anything. not really distracting myself e

[dagasinfilo]

no idea what’s going on inside my head at this point

[dindjarriiin]

din djarin || mend me, piece by piece.

Summary: Post ch. 15. Din struggles to come to terms with what happened on Morak. But the sudden absence of his love makes him realise that being a Mandalorian isn't the only part to him. Nor is it the only part that, without, might destroy him entirely. (gender neutral pronouns) (spoilers for ch.15) (side note: this is a really dumb idea it's 5 am im sorry ahah)

____ had vanished three days ago. They hadn't given an explanation. One morning, Din had awoke and they simply weren't there next to him.

His first instinct was to panic, pure fear and worry coarsing through his very soul. It was too soon. Were they taken? Did the last remnants of the Empire track them down after finishing off Moff Gideon?

Or was it something he had done? Had they left on their own accord because he wasn't good enough? His creed was practically null and void after the fiasco on Morak, and ____ was amongst the few who saw his face. Was the visage underneath his beskar really that appalling? Could they not stand the thought of being near him now that they had seen what was underneath his armour?

He didn't know if he had the strength to go on without them. Grogu was safe, and he would continue to protect him with his life, but his family wasn't complete without them.

The Slave I had stayed in the same spot ever since, hidden away in the thickets of Ach-To. Just in case, Din told himself. Just in case they come back. But with each passing day, the likelihood of that happening became slimmer and slimmer.

He found himself longing for their touch, longing for their presence. He missed their voice and their laugh and their incredibly shitty jokes, and the way they would fawn over Grogu, and the way they never asked too much of him, the way they never saw him as anything less, even after he took off his helmet.

But that was the thing that Din couldn't grasp. It was all so perfect up until that point. After Morak and after rescuing Grogu, Din had plunged headfirst into another battle, this time with himself. He had violated his creed. Every part of him that he had built up over the years was torn to shreds in a matter of seconds. His face, his shame, now immortalised in an Imperial database of all things. Who was he if not a Mandalorian? It was all he had ever known. Until the Child. And until ____.

Within those three days, Din was left to bask in the cruel and harsh reality that existed without ____ beside him and Grogu. He realised that it wasn't just the violation of his creed that tore him apart, it was the very thought of never laying his eyes upon ____ _______ ever again.

On the third night Din knew he couldn't stay on Ach-To any longer. If the Empire was combing every planet in the nearby parsecs to the battle then he didn't have long. With a heavy heart, he tucked a sleepy Grogu into his hammock, before beginning to remove his armour to sleep.

He had removed everything but his helmet when the entry-hatch hissed open from the cockpit. Din snatched his blaster within a matter of seconds and poised it at the sealed door as whoever it was clambered slowly towards them. His breath shook at the thought of another fight, his beskar now on the floor and not on his person. He felt bare without it. Exposed.

When the doors finally did hiss open, his shoulders sagged in relief. There they stood, bloodied and bruised and covered in cuts, but, there they stood.

"I'm sorry-" ____ couldn't finish their sentence as Din pulled them into his arms, his sigh of relief coming out as distorted jargon from behind his visor. ____ wrapped their arms around him too, brow furrowed and eyes closed as they basked in the feel of him, despite the pain from their injuries.

"You came back." Din said through tears, more to himself in an effort to convince himself that this was real. They're here. They're home.

"Of course I came back." ____ laughed weakly through tears of their own. "I'll always come back to you."

"Where did you go?" He asked as he pulled back, holding their shoulders as he inspected the numerous wounds. "I-I thought they'd taken you, or you'd run off because..."

"Because of what, Din?" ____ asked softly, their hand moving to caress the side of his helmet. They knew what he thought. They had feared it the moment they had left. But their mission was one to be done alone and as fast as possible.

"Because of Morak." He confessed shamefully, his head hung low.

"Din," ____ pressed lightly, making him look up at them once more. "I did leave because of Morak." His face dropped and his skin paled. "But not because of why you think." ____'s smile was soft as they spoke, their thumb stroking the cool steel of his helmet as if it were the warm skin of his cheek.

"Then why?" His voice was no more than a whisper, desperate to know the truth.

"I left because..." ____ sighed. "I saw the torment inside of you, the guilt, the pain. I know what you did on Morak broke you apart, Din, even if it was for Grogu. And I...I wanted to try and fix part of that pain." They admitted bashfully. "I broke into their database, Din. The scan, your face, it's not there anymore. I wiped the whole thing clean."

Din was silent at the revelation. After all this time, all this worrying, they were actually trying to help him? An epiphany struck him, like a bolt of lightning crashing down, and within a matter of seconds his hands had ripped the helmet from his head.

____ shielded their eyes almost immediately. "Din, what are you-" Their protest was cut off by his lips which crashed against theirs with a tremendous passion. They sank into the kiss, their hands caressing the sides of his face as they both clung to each other. Din pulled away from them with ragged breaths after a long moment, and held their face as they kept their eyes shut.

"It's okay. You can open them." He reassured in a whisper.

"Din, your creed-" ____ protested, hands resting over his. "Taking it off destroyed you."

"I realised something whilst you were gone, and it only became clear to me when I saw you again. What happened on Morak broke me into pieces. What I am, what I know, was taken from me. But that's... that's okay. Because," He said, resting his forehead against theirs. "you're here. And Grogu is here. And you two have given me another part of me, another piece of myself that I never knew I would have." He chuckled in disbelief at his own words, basking in the euphoric feeling.

"But it's not too late. Din, you're still a Mandalorian, and the databases are-"

"Clean, I know. And I can't thank you enough. You risked your life for me. Just to try and put me back together. But I don't need the creed to do that, I need you. Piece by piece, I'll find myself again, and it starts with you looking me in the eyes." He pleaded softly, waiting patiently for them to oblige.

He could see the confusion and uncertainty on their face as the brow furrowed and their eyes twitched ever so slightly, as if they were trying to open but ____ restrained them.

"I don't want to be the reason you give this up. Your whole life-"

"My whole life is more than just being a Mandalorian now, Cyra'ika. You, and the kid, you've shown me that." His words soothed their reeling mind, and slowly, very slowly, their eyes opened to gaze upon Din's face which smiled reassuringly at them.

They couldn't help but sigh at the sight of him, his beauty one for the Ages, and the kindness that lay within those brown eyes...

"You're sure about this?" They asked once more for reassurance, making Din laugh.

"I am sure."

There was a brief silence as they simply admired each other. "You couldn't have told me that before I fought off a whole battalion of troopers?" Their light jest made him guffaw, a glorious sound that rebounded off the metal of the ship as he picked them up in his arms and swung them around.

Piece by piece, he slowly started to feel whole again.

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary (light snake model) + lion secondary (bird model) (badger model)

hi, i’d really appreciate it if you could help sort me because i think that both my primary and secondary are either burnt or i’ve just overanalyzed this since all of the descriptions for the houses seem relatable to some extent. i’ll start with the secondary. i don’t particularly enjoy using any method of the secondaries.

Burnt secondary? Lots of models?

i honestly can’t even find a pattern from the things that have worked best for me. the best things in my life always happened when i wasn’t forcing anything, they just sort of fell into place, so i just feel like i’ve had luck?

Hmm. “Just lucky I guess” is usually a description of a Snake secondary… but it’s not really a way Snake secondaries describe themselves. That’s more the perspective of someone outside looking in. It’s possible that you just haven’t thought much about your methods before?

i have to do lists for the day and week, since it definitely calms me down when i know clearly what im supposed to accomplish in a day, but beyond that i don’t make plans.

The way this is famed as something you “have” to do that “calms you down,” - basically an anti-anxiety tactic - makes me think it’s probably a support system. I’m gong with Bird secondary model for now.

i don’t even know how i solve problems? i am both confrontational and non-confrontational haha. i never want to leave things unsaid and not explain myself properly to people.

That’s Lion (actually, maybe that’s why you don’t know how you solve problems. The classic Lion secondary just jumps in and reacts.) Even this idea of the on/off of confrontational/non-confrontational is very Lion.

when it comes to other problems that aren’t people-related i guess i’m quick and can come up with a solution on the spot.

Improvisational secondary.

i def relate to snake bc i do think it’s a luxury to be able to be fully myself in front of people.

That is a tremendously Lion way of conceptualizing snake. “Oh I get Snake, they’re acting all the time, but what they REALLY want is to be able to feel safe enough to go into neutral.” A snake loves the masks. A snake *is* the masks.

i’ve also been told i’m really stubborn.

Lion.

i tell the occasional white lie, as in, i might soften my criticisms to not offend ppl, or i make up an excuse for why i cant go out if i’d rather stay at home. i would never lie about important things like my beliefs and misrepresent myself, or about anything that has actual serious consequences. but, if i really wanted to, or i’m really pressed, i usually have no problem with coming up with something on the spot (and i’m not proud of it, in fact, i don’t like myself for it).

Lions *can* lie (it’s really only in fiction that you get the Absolutely Incapable of Lying Lion.) They just… really really don’t like it. It make them feel sticky.

i’m definitely known to be smart and hardworking and kind, because i do genuinely do the work and finish what i start, but i don’t know if i find any particular enjoyment in it? sure, it feels nice to be honest and to see things through, but i also don’t mind doing things another way.

Again, you focused in on the most Lion-y part of a Badger secondary, and said that’s what “feels nice.” Other than that, sounds like a useful Badger model. Really common.

i do care about disappointing the people who have a good opinion of me though.

A Badger primary? Don’t want to disappoint the community?

as for primary i prioritize myself and my people which i know is very snakey, but i don’t always like the fact that i do that.

Okay interesting. I’m still thinking Badger… but maybe… Burnt Badger? Burnt Badgers will act like snakes and kind of hate it. Or maybe we’ve got a Snake model?

i relate to bird because i like to base my morality based on external information, to have some solid ground and some solid rules which i try to live by. i can even change my believes easily if i receive new info.

External primary. Still kind of leaning Badger. I know you’re thinking bird, and while it’s *possible*… I’m just not getting Bird from you yet. (A bird would be telling me all about their rules.)

i don’t know if i’m really snake bc i think i can also be selfish and put my wants/goals/morals above those of even my people.

And you clearly don’t *like* the fact that you do this. I’m not even sure if your Badger is burned, I think it might just be guilty. No one is a perfect, unblemished, shining example of their sorting at all times.

and i don’t know if i’m a bird who models snake, or a snake who models bird.

I am honestly getting neither of those things.

in fights with friends i always looked at things objectively and supported the person i thought was right until my best friend said that that bothered her, so after that i tried to always defend her.

So does that mean you felt *more* moral defending your friend no questions asked, or *less* moral?

as to why i relate to lion, it’s because i do like to trust my gut and honestly it’s never been wrong, but i don’t think i make decisions simply based on that. i also don’t know if i’d place some ideal over actual people.

my god you are such a Loyalist.

i don’t really understand what a lion’s cause is? how do they decide on that?

Oh, you don’t choose your cause. Your cause chooses you.

one more thing that i think is very lion is that i’ve often been annoyed by people who have to have some external data tell them that some things are right and some things are wrong. yes, there’s nuance, but i guess i just can’t understand why you need justification to believe smth as basic as people deserve food, and water and housing.

I mean, I know you’re framing this in a Lion way, and sure this could be Lion. But all I’m hearing is that core Badger primary emotion “they matter because they’re people!”

the one primary i def know im not is badger,

This is going to be good.

since i don’t really care for communities. just like i don’t understand a lion’s cause, i also don’t really understand what ppl mean by community. i wouldn’t treat anyone differently depending on whether of not they’re a part of my community.

It’s because you’re a Universal Badger, and it’s lovely. You don’t understand what people mean by ‘community’ because you’re too deep inside it. You don’t see how anyone could exist without the cosmic understanding of “community” that you have.

i’d treat them differently based on my opinion of them/their relation to me.

There *is* still something a little Snakey, or possibly Burned badger, sneaking in here.

i still offer everyone basic politeness and kindness though.

My *guess* is your idea of what “basic kindness” is is… very different from a Snake primary’s.

the main thing is that i can simply choose what to care about.

That’s an external primary thing (Bird or Badger)

i guess i’d feel the most bad if i caused the people i care about harm or if i disappointed them.

I know this is kind of a wording trick, but Snakes really do talk about individuals - “My brother” “my mom” “my significant other.” You have talked about “the people who have a good opinion of me” “the people I care about” “my people” “friends” “actual people.” The only individual you’ve mentioned is your best friend, the one who told you it bothered her when you didn’t back her up. I think it’s actually possible this *friend* might be a Snake primary, and if she’s really important to you… you might have built a Snake model for her that you are a little uncomfortable with.

i’ve also seen that you should look back to your childhood to sort yourself and as a child i knew i wanted to be successful and i knew i wanted to help people and the environment, but they were always vague ideas.

Bagder.

mostly, i was content with playing and spending time with my parents/grandparents/friends.

BADGER. (And again, notice all the collective nouns.)

i daydreamed of being a princess and an actress so that my family would be financially secure and would never worry about money.

You are adorable. (I seriously love Badger primaries.)

if it helps to sort me, i had to choose between studying smth i was passionate about in college and going into STEM bc it was more stable. in the end, i decided on the latter. i’m not going to lie i was miserable for a year and a half into it, but i pushed through it, and now i’m in my final year and kind of happy that i did. i rlly relate to one answer in the sortinghatchats quiz that says i made my choice, now i live with it, life only moves in a forward direction.

That probably was a tricky decision, especially with your Lion secondary, but yeah. External primaries can just sort of decide to care about things, and it’s extremely cool.

sorry for the long post, but i’d really appreciate the help. i love your blog and posts!

You’re very welcome. This one was fun.

[im-the-punk-who]

Hi! I’m new to the fandom and I’m simply curious (not trying to start a feud or anything), why don’t you like Steinberg?

Hello dear anon! And welcome to the fandom! 

Oof. That’s a question. xD 

I’m going to try and stay as uh. neutral as possible. Because I’ve already written the post I know I failed but, the intent in answering this is also not to start a feud or hurt anyone’s feelings. 

Okay, so I got fairly negative in this chilis tonight, so I want to start by saying that even in light of the opinions I’m about to express, Black Sails is one of, if not my number one, favorite TV shows of all time. Certainly in recent memory - I’ve been hyperfixating on this show for 18 months with no sign of stopping, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for everyone who worked on the show - even Steinberg. (The one exclusion is Michael Bay, he can go twist.)

AND I think Stienberg is an incredibly talented writer. Black Sails is one of my favorite shows because it does such a wonderful job of weaving stories, creating characters, and melding things in a way that is both unexpected and makes sense narratively. I have changed as a person because of the show, and they will have to pry James McGraw and Thomas Hamilton from my cold dead knives-attached-to-them hands. None of what I’m going to say is meant to detract from that.

I will also say that a lot of these issues are not particular to Steinberg and are in fact a systemic problem with American TV + Film. And I’m not leaving Robert Levine out of my criticism, it’s just that Steinberg had the biggest hand in the pot(he wrote a full half the episodes) and a lot of what I’ve heard as far as talking about the show comes from Steinberg. So, he gets the brunt. But it isn’t that I think Steinberg was the only problematic element of the show. 

Also, these are all my opinions and are colored by how I interact with my fandoms. I am not only a fandom veteran, but I work and pretty much live in the entertainment industry. I work in indie film and theatre and am surrounded by artists and creators of all walks of life, like, constantly. I know what is possible, and when I see something that can be improved, I want to note it because it is important to me to always be striving forward. Like Miranda says about Thomas, this isn’t out of malice, or out of hate. It’s because I genuinely love this show, and I love entertainment as a whole, and I think in order to get to a better, more inclusive industry we have to have hard conversations and look critically at the media we consume, and it is frustrating to me to time and again see the same faces in the room. 

But if that isn’t your cuppa, that’s fine! Fandom isn’t meant to be stressful and if all you want to do is watch a show about gay pirates that is your tomato and I applaud you. Have at it you funky motherfucker.

OH! One more. At some point I’m going to talk about Silverflint. When I do, it is NOT meant as a ‘you shouldn’t/cant ship this’ or ‘this pairing is bad’ or any negative attack on the people who ship that pairing. My criticisms in this post are exclusively about what it means for Steinberg as a writer and Black Sails’ representation of gay and mlm men. While it’s not my cuppa, this is a sail your own ship blog. 

OKAY! SO! 

My main criticisms of Steinberg & Co boil down to:

The homozygosity of the writers and directors shows a complete lack of desire to include marginalized people in the writing of a show that is about them. Which leads to:

The centering of white men while choosing a historical setting and time period that was in fact dominated by people of color and specifically a black woman, 

The gratuitous inclusion of violence against women, particularly sexual violence, and again, that the female characters are often sidelined for the central male characters. 

SO.

Black Sails is a show centered around queer, female, and black leads, and yet there were only two non white-male directors (one bi-racial man and one white woman) and only 7 female writers - one of whom was Latina. The entire rest of the major creative staff was white men. I’m not going to comment on sexualities but none of the writers or directors are out as queer according to a quick google search. 

Let me reiterate the important bit there. 

In Black Sails, where the last two seasons specifically feature around a real, actually-happened-in-history event that shaped black history in the Caribbean, there was not a single black writer on the entire show. 

This is the main difference between inclusion for inclusion’s sake, and actually centering marginalized voices. Black Sails has a ton of gay, POC, and female rep in front of the camera but practically zero representation behind it, which leads to storylines and implications that Steinberg and his writers, as white men, simply would never realize.

It’s like why Silver and Miranda never realized the true reasons James was waging war on England. They just did not have the life experiences to realize they were missing a piece of the puzzle, and so they filled in their own without even realizing they’d done so. 

Because no one in the room of Black Sails was a part of these marginalized identities, nuances get lost or mistranslated, motivations get muddled through a white man’s gaze(or a straight person’s) and implications that someone within those communities might think is obvious won’t even come up.

And again, because there were no writers or directors of color in the last two seasons (the biracial man directed episodes 2x02 and 2x04 - WHICH MAKES SENSE IMO) the entirety of the historical lore that the show bases itself on in its latter half is filtered through a white man’s lens. And so there is no discussion of how changing something changes the meaning, how leaving someone out or changing their role to be more minor might affect people for whom that is their heritage. How the entire story they’re telling might change with one simple exclusion or addition.

So, how does this relate directly to Steinberg, you ask? Well, simply, because it was his show. 

Steinberg(and Levine) were involved in every major decision about the show, from its conception, to the script, to choosing the writers and directors. They chose how they wanted the show to look, to think, what stories to tell and how they wanted to tell them. Their decisions(and the biases that formed those decisions) are woven into the show.

And look. I don’t for a second believe any of this was willful or malicious. I don’t think that John Steinberg and Robert Levine sat down one day and said ‘you know what would make the gays really angry? If we locked the only two canonically gay men up in a prison camp.’

But the decisions that were made in the show were based in ignorance in a way that shows more than just simple negligence or laziness(especially given the attention to detail in everything else). The things they leave out or change in the Maroon War plotline for instance are not small details easily missed. They are big, giant waving flags. They are things that are irreplaceable to still have the same events and stories and tell them respectfully. 

It shows an insane amount of privilege to, for instance, write a show airing during a time when the Black Lives Matter movement was at the forefront of the American conscience, include black characters and black storylines, and yet not include a single black voice on their creative team. 

In a show that centers a gay man’s love and his journey in attempting to process the horrible things done to him and his lover because of it, we are given just forty minutes of the entire show dedicated to their relationship - and just fifteen of those minutes actually feature the lover! 

(Relatedly, the entirety of the gay romantic rep is two kisses, and a forehead touch. That’s the entirety of your gay intimacy representation. And yet there are in the first two seasons alone - because that’s all I’ve clocked so far - something like twenty seven minutes of scenes involving a naked or half naked woman. Five minutes of that is explicitly wlw sex.

Again, I just want to reiterate this because it’s important in recognizing bias. 

There is fully twice as much female nudity in the first two seasons, as the entirety of the time the two gay characters have together on screen. )

Steinberg is a perfect example of how a lack of understanding why the diversity you are representing is important, matters. I dislike Steinberg because he, just like every other straight white cis man I have known, profited off of marginalized voices without including them or creating with them in mind.

Art does not exist in a vacuum. You cannot create something - especially something as back breakingly, intensely a labor of love as Black Sails - without putting several pieces of yourself into it. But those pieces color your narrative. They will expose things about you that you don’t even realize. And it’s in these places we are weakest, and why a diverse group of writers with a diverse group of experiences can help a piece be stronger. But for whatever reason, John Steinberg thought that he could make art with only people who looked and thought and experienced like him. 

The lack of representation behind the camera in Black Sails was evident in front of it and yet Steinberg is out here getting to pretend like he created the most inclusive groundbreaking show that ever existed. It is important to me, personally, to acknowledge that. And that it kind of makes my skin crawl in the way all media made by straight white (cis)men makes my skin crawl. I wish I didn’t have to feel that way about my favorite tv show just because it was created by a man of privilege, but here we are.

SO. I hope that helped? Feel free to take what you want and leave what you don’t! 

Below the cut is a more in depth look at things that I think show what I’m talking about, but that up there ^^ is the gist. <3 |D

SURPRISE!

The Maroons and the Maroon War

So the first thing I want to point out is that the Maroon War was a real thing that happened. It lasted ten years, and resulted in the most substantial victory the Maroons ever achieved against the British. Not only that, there was in fact a KICKIN’ badass female leader of the maroons named Queen Nanny, who is to this day honored as a national hero in Jamaica. While they weren’t able to drive the British out, the outcome of this war led to a mostly self-governing Maroon population in Jamaica from the mid 1700s on. This was a long term fight that had a very tangible and real outcome, even if it didn’t end in the destruction of colonialism. 

And what is this war turned into in Black Sails? A white ‘madman’s revenge’  that is doomed to failure after six months.

That, my dear pirates, is a problem for me. (And those familiar with my brand of spiceyness know that I do not ascribe to the ‘Flint is a Madman’ trope, but that IS what Steinberg ascribes to, what he seems to have written the show thinking.) 

There was no narrative reason to include the Maroon War in the narrative of Black Sails. The Maroon War didn’t happen until a decade after the Golden Age of Piracy, and aside from Silver’s wife being a black woman there is no mention of Silver ever having contact with them. To me, this feels like the choice of a showrunner who found a cool historical event and saw a chance to up the stakes of their white male heroes while getting in some sweet sweet POC rep. 

Except that they then took the major events of the Maroon War and gave them to their white characters, Flint and Silver. 

Here’s the thing. If you’re going to take a piece of culturally important history and use it for your show, you NEED to have sensitivity writers. You need to have people who are at least familiar with those events and who care about them to do them justice. Have an expert come in and read your script or go over your ideas. Or just like. Hire a black writer. Hire ONE black writer. As a treat.

The important Maroon figures, Nanny, Cudjoe, and Quao, all get sidelined or ‘sexified’ and then used as plot points for the white characters. Nanny gets split into two women - the older mother queen and Madi, the young naive warbent visionary. Quao(Mr. Scott is the closest, or Kofi possibly) gets killed off because the writers realized they didn’t exactly have a place for him in their writing. Cudjoe(Julius) gets a few scenes and one good speech but his entire role in the war gets given to Silver. And THEN. That sexy Queen Madi figure gets used as emotional bait for Silver and then has to learn he has betrayed her and destroyed the hope and freedom she had wanted to bring to her people. 

Gross, pirates. Gross.

Anne Bonny/Max/Mary Read - a heads up, this section includes a semi in-depth discussion of both Max and Anne’s sexual assaults. If that bothers you, the paragraphs talking about that begin with a ***

COOL NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT LESBIANS. Words my 20 year old self would never have imagined coming out of my mouth. 

Specifically, I want to talk about Max, and Anne, and their backstories both involving extreme sexual trauma at the hands of men. And then Mary Read and the once again sexification of female characters.

(Actually while I’m here another criticism I have of Steinberg is that his writing does not seem to recognize how queer people existed in the past - again, likely because he didn’t have any gay historians to be like ‘actually buddy that doesn’t make sense also why is Anne not dressing as a man? If you want to fuck with anything and insert modern day terminology and ideas into this show, make her non binary and REALLY piss off the hetties.’)

(This same ficitonal gay dramaturg who is definitely not me has also questioned John Steinberg repeatedly about where Mary Read is, unsatisfied with the answer ‘well we wanted her to be hot so we made her a sex worker and then had Anne have to rescue her but then we realized it would be weird not to include her actual character so we gave her a five second cameo at the very end of the series and also made her like 13.’)

Anyway! So my main point in bringing up Anne and Max is the sexual trauma they are exposed to in the show, particularly being that they are the two primary wlw in the show, who Steinberg has said he views as being completely gay, and what THAT whole unexamined idea looks like. 

***Max. My dear Max. There was literally no reason to have her be repeatedly r*ped(and for the love of god there was even less reason to make it that gratuitous and graphic). Max being assaulted like that did not add anything to the gravity of Eleanor’s betrayal. The traumatic event was being tossed aside by Eleanor, and that could have been just as emotionally damaging without the sexual assault. And the only reason for her to be continually assaulted was to bring her and Anne together. 

***The reason imo that Max’s r*pe plot was added was because it was the only thing these white straight men could come up with that felt emotionally damaging enough to them. The act of betrayal itself wasn’t enough, the act of being thrown away, of having a lover put your life in danger because of her own ambitions wasn’t enough, they needed her to be r*ped to really drive home the point. 

***Anne, on the other hand, is never shown being sexually abused, but we are given an explicit account of her own traumatic history and how Jack saved her from this vile beast who was passing her around to his friends.

But here’s the thing pirates - that never happened. According to every account we have of Anne Bonny, she chose her husband, and married him against her father’s wishes. They were probably relatively happy until her husband started being a pirate spy and Anne started cheating on him with Jack. 

And yes, when they were found out. Her husband had her beat. That’s not fucking cool, and if they really wanted to go the damsel in distress route they still could have had Jack ‘save’ her from that. But at no point was she sexually abused by her husband(at least not in any accounts I’ve read.) 

You know who did likely sexually abuse her or at least manipulate her and Mary for his own benefit? If you guessed our Rat man Jack Rackham, you would be correct, because when he found out about Mary and Anne’s (supposed, but probably real) relationship, it’s implied he extorted both of them into fucking him to keep their secret from the crew. 

The addition of sexual abuse to Anne’s past isn’t done to be true to her character and was in fact explicitly untrue. Now of course I don’t know the reasons why they chose to do this, but I can guess. Just as with Max, the most traumatic thing a male writer can think of for a female character is for them to be sexually abused.

And the most disturbing part of this to me? The parallels it has to the real world of why straight men think lesbians exist. These characters who would be called man haters in present day are given these incredibly traumatic man-centered histories. It brings up something very uncomfortable in me about particularly wlw sexuality being viewed as a reaction to trauma at the hands of men. It’s just gross, I dont like it, and honestly there is no fucking excuse for it besides a room full of white straight men writing this bullshit. A room that Steinberg chose, because they fit his ideas.

In Fact heck, the women of Black Sails in general

***I honestly struggle to think of a single female character who I think was treated fairly in Black Sails. Miranda and Eleanor are killed for taking sides and not understanding their partners, Madi is betrayed in the worst way possible, Max is given a pseudo empowering ending but has that fucking terrible start. Idelle ends off fairly well, but tied to a man she may or may not have any actual feelings for, in what is essentially a political marriage. And Anne has her entire identity tied to a man who will be dead in two years as she is robbed of any agency whatsoever without him. (Oh, and the whole r*pe thing. And also her support for Max’s r*pe or death until she started having fee-fees. Who wrote this stuff. >_>)

Even though the characterization of each and every one of these women is PHENOMENAL - and again I will repeat that I absolutely LOVE these characters as they exist in a vacuum. I think they are well rounded, real, feeling people given motivations and drives and FEELINGS and they SHOW THEIR ANGER and i LOVE THEM. 

But the show punishes them for it. Miranda is essentially fridged to move Flint’s storyline along, and to make room for Silver. Eleanor is killed for the emotional damage it will cause Rogers. Madi is placed at the center of a conflict she explicitly says she is willing to die for and then not only is her entire cause taken from her, but when she tells Silver to fuck off he - in possibly the most predictable white man move ever - says ‘no i will stay until you change your mind. I will never leave you. I don’t care about your choice in this matter, I will wait forever for you. I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. papa, - paparazzi.’ 

And I touched on this before, but I want to talk in more detail about what is possibly my hottest take to date, the sexification of Mary Read and Queen Nanny, as they are presented in the show. 

Max is to Anne what Mary Read is, historically. She is the lover that Jack Rackham discovers with Anne, and then he joins them in their bed. They form a triumvirate that upholds Jack at the expense of the women. But for some reason, Steinberg didn’t want to just include Mary Read as an actual character. For some reason he needed to make Anne’s love interest a sex worker who was in need of saving (and who, coincidentally, we never see working the brothel after she becomes lovers with Anne, because she is now a madam. :) Gross.)

And Madi. My dear sweet fucking Madi who didn’t fucking deserve any of this bullshit send tweet. 

So, historically, Queen Nanny was the Queen, spiritual advisor, and the military tactician of the Windward Maroons. She would have filled both Madi and the Queen’s character roles(and Flint’s, but who’s counting. A BLACK GAY LEAD? Inconceivable. I digress.) But, I guess, because they were wishy-washing with Silver’s sexuality or felt they needed to give him a female love interest because of Treasure Island, or because they were leaning a bit too hard into the gay shit and needed to backpedal, they took Queen Nanny and split her into a character who is for all intents and purposes powerless in the war and Madi, who is young and naive and does not have any real world experience outside of the Maroon camp.

Because that’s sexy, or something. They could have had the Maroon Queen be a fucking badass lady who works and fights alongside Flint and Silver and one ups them and teaches them shit and has her own ideas about where the British can stick it, but instead they made her into the perfect caricature of a female monarch, letting the big strong men handle the dirty work or something. Because white male power fantasies. 

Just let women be powerful and not nubile and let them have character arcs over fucking thirty and let them be CENTERED in their own. fucking. narratives. 

God damnit Steinberg.

James Flint, mlm extraordinaire

Oh, my love. My most amazing child. The light of my life. My purest cinnamon roll. 

~~And now we’ve come to the dreaded Silverflint criticism part of our programming. Please please know and remember this isn’t a criticism of people who ship Silverflint. As I said up top, Your Tomato Is Not My Tomato and that’s cool. Please don’t take this next part as an attack on Silverflint as a fandom ship.~~

My criticism of Steinberg as it relates to Flint is related to:

What a romantic/sexual relationship with Silver being the basis of the tension and plot means for Flint in particular as a gay or mostly mlm man. 

Refusing to confirm Thomas and James being alive at the end and honestly the whole finale in general but like I’ll try and focus.

The major problem I have with Silver and Flint being coded as in love with each other is the implications there in terms of gay men’s relationships to other men. 

From every corner, men are inundated with the idea that any close relationship between them must be gay. That intimacy cannot exist unless there are sexual feelings involved. That a relationship cannot be close, deep and soul shattering and life altering, unless one guy secretly(or not so secretly) wants to bone the other dude. That two men cannot value each other as partners or friends or truly know each other unless they are gay.

Seeing both of the meaningful relationships Flint forms with other men be sexually coded feels a bit the same way as Anne and Max’s sexual assault plotlines does vis-a-vis being wlw. (Even with Gates, Flint never spoke about Thomas or his plans - Silver is absolutely the closest person to Flint besides Thomas and Miranda.) And this is just as true for Silver. Having both Flint and Madi - the two people he trusts - both be people he’s in love with also just feels. I don’t know. 

It feels like a confusion between male intimacy and male love that is so so familiar to me as a gay man I could choke on it. Where they wanted these men to have a deep and really lasting connection, but could only figure out how to do it if they were in love. Friendship wouldn’t have been enough - only romantic and sexual love is enough for the gay man(or men, at all).

Just because it isn’t queerbaiting doesn’t mean it’s good rep, and I would have liked to see truly deep male friendships that did not center on sexual attraction - particularly for Flint as a confirmed mlm(and Silver too, if you’re counting him. The same arguments for why I dislike Flint being paired with Silver are also true in the reverse.) 

Even if both Flint and Silver were confirmed mlm I still would have LOVED to see a platonic relationship between them. In fact I would have loved that EVEN MORE. Men! Who fuck men! Not needing to fuck each other to be important to one another! Who made this. Very delicious. 

But because there weren’t any queer writers on the show, writers who understand this kind of struggle that gay and mlm men face, they thought ‘oh, let’s also have them be in love with each other. More gay rep is better gay rep, right?’ False. THOUGHTFUL gay rep is better gay rep.

Okay and here’s my last thing. The fact that Steinberg refuses to say whether or not the explicitly mlm men are alive at the end of the show - that the words he specifically uses are ‘up for interpretation’ is. Fuck, it’s gross, okay? It’s fucking gross. 

I have been around enough men, enough people in power, enough people with leverage who also know how to play the field, to know that when someone wants a group’s support but does not agree with them, their go to phrasing is that it is ‘up for debate’ or ‘up for interpretation.’

Say the gays are alive. Steinberg refusing to acknowledge the reality of the ending of his show to maintain his own sense of artistic integrity is what, honestly, really sets me off about him and I don’t care if this is a nuanced take.

Like yes, death of the author. I honestly don’t care if he thinks they’re dead or alive. What I care about is that he thinks he can get away with being clever and leaning hard into a story is true/untrue’ - doesn’t realize what the implications of that are, and didn’t when he was writing, and didn’t have anyone else in the room who would think about it either. 

ANYWAY. So this is....my long drawn out explanation for why I do not like Steinberg. Uhhhhh tune in next week for more of my totally unpopular opinions!

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Happiness Begins

Part 24

Chapter Summary: Jared sets his plan into motion. Elsewhere, the reader works on coming to terms with her struggles over these past few months. 

Word Count: 2.6K+

Warnings: Language, discussion of mental health struggles, 

Author’s Note: Only one more part after this!!! AH! I am tremendously blessed and constantly surprised by all the love and support I have received for this crazy little series. I couldn’t have done it without y’all, so enjoy the fruits of your labor. xo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and find more works by yours truly over at Alexandra’s Library! 

The sun was malicious as it beat down on the small Austin country club. It was normally packed on beautiful Sundays and this one was no different. Jensen was cruising down a hill in his golf cart, one of his old high school buddies riding shotgun as they played a full eighteen. It felt nice to get out and do something again for a change. It had been so long since he had any free time, seeing as he was between projects right now, and he wanted to soak up all of it before the next one came along. 

He slowed the cart down as they reached their hole, putting it in park on the flat grassland. He hopped out of the cart and searched his bag for a putter. 

“I don’t understand how you keep beating me. I’ve been practicing for months.” His buddy laughed, Jensen joining in along with him. He opened his mouth to comment, only for another voice to pipe up first.  

“Yeah, he always was the one to beat.” Jensen tensed as he recognised the familiar voice coming up to him and his friend. Jared was alone as he approached the men, but he was smiling brightly. Confusion was evident on Jensen’s face as he tried to determine what was happening. 

“Hey, Jared, good to see you again bud.” Jensen’s friend held out his hand for Jared to shake. 

“Likewise.” He nodded before turning his attention back to Jensen. “It’s good to see you too, man.” Jared pulled Jensen in for a hug, stunning his fellow actor before he returned the sentiment. 

“Can I talk to you?” Jared pointed his thumb behind him, indicating to Jensen that he wanted to talk in private. 

“Uh, sure.” Jensen was hesitant. He wasn’t sure what Jared was playing at yet. Especially considering the last time they talked outside of work, they were in a screaming match. But he followed him a little way away from the cart nonetheless. 

“What’s up?” 

“I figured you’d be here today.” Jared started.

“So are you following me?” 

Jared laughed. “No, no nothing like that.” 

“Then what is it?”

“It’s... well it’s about Y/n.” Jared ran a hand through his hair, pushing the long locks out of his face. He had a smile on his face, but Jensen could read the pain that hid behind it. 

“Jared…”

“No, just listen. I want you to know, I’m sorry. I fucked up, okay? I was selfish and stupid and I should have seen it sooner. I guess I couldn’t believe that you weren’t just using her to pass the time because it was easy.” Jared admitted. “And I hate myself for ever thinking that. I know you better than that. I think it was just my protective older brother coming out. You know she hasn’t had the best track record with guys, and I just couldn’t see past that for some reason.” Jared sighed. “You two, well, you guys are actually pretty perfect for each other, no matter how weird I may feel about that. And I’ll be honest, I do still feel weird. But I’m working on it.”

Jensen sighed, rubbing his hand across the full beard that adorned his face. “That’s great Jared, really I’m glad, but I think it’s a little late.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

“Y/n doesn’t want anything to do with me. I hurt her. I took back every promise I made to her. I don’t deserve her forgiveness anyway.” Jensen didn’t go into specifics, Jared would get the picture with what little he had offered. 

“Yeah, she is hurting. She’s hurting something fierce. I’ve honestly never seen her this way and it scares me. I overheard her tell Gen she is thinking of selling her business and moving to New York. Got some big offer from a huge beauty conglomerate. Didn’t even feel like she could tell me about it either.” Jared explained. Jensen’s head snapped up, his brows coming together on his forehead. 

“No, Y/n would never do that.” 

“That’s what I thought too. But she’s been offered some huge deal to sell her shares and be a VP for this new company. And she is seriously thinking of accepting it.” Jensen adjusted the ball cap on top of his head. 

“Why would she do that?” Jensen’s words came out in a sigh.

“Do you really have to ask that question?” Jared put a hand on his hip when Jensen scoffed at him. 

“Come on, you can’t put that on me.”

“I’m not blaming you, I swear. Y/n is hurting though, and I don’t think that anyone else will be able to talk her out of it.” Jared said honestly. 

“So that’s why you’re really here, to beg me to convince your sister to not run away because of me.” Jensen rolled his tongue behind his teeth, biting back the urge to yell. That would never get him anywhere. 

“I meant what I said. I am sorry. But I also know that she won’t listen to me. She may however, listen to you.” Jared jumped to the defensive the second the angry words left Jensen’s mouth. “Look, I’m not saying you two should pick up things where you left them, not that I would care either way, but she loves you in a way that I have never seen before, and that has to count for something.” 

“It did, at one point. Now, I’m not so sure.” Jared frowned at his friend. In one way, he did need his help, but at the same time he understood his hesitancy. They didn’t have the greatest history where his sister was concerned. 

“Just let me get you two in the same room. Then we can let it happen naturally. What do you say?” What could Jensen say to that. As much as he was hesitant about tricking her into something, he didn’t want her to go. Danneel’s words had been haunting him since he had returned from LA. Jensen had been on the fence about whether he should take her advice and go after the woman he loved, and if he let her run off to New York, he may never get his chance. Y/n deserved to have all the facts before she made such a huge decision. She needed to know that he wouldn’t let her go without a fight. 

“Ok, Jare.”

****

Gen’s words were still ringing in her head as she carried her tired body up the stairs to her apartment. Having babysat the three littlest Padalecki’s for the night, she was more exhausted than she had been in a while. She had forgotten how wild they could get sometimes, and she just had to be the fun aunt and cave when they begged for cookies. Three kids hopped up on sugar was, in hindsight, a bad idea. 

In the end, she was thankful for her time with family. Being able to spend real time with them had what Gen said to her affecting her more than she thought it would. She had all but made up her mind about going to New York, but the more she thought about it, the more the idea actually scared her. It was a big step to take, and she still had at least one more person to talk to before she called Mr. Baltussen back. 

The next morning, when she rolled out of bed, the sun was already high in the sky. She had slept far past her normal time, but for the first time in a while, she felt rested. Maybe it had to do with her plans for today. Or maybe she had truly needed to exhaust her body in order to get a truly restful sleep. Either way, she saw it as a bright sign. It was her reason to keep moving forward. 

Seeing as she slept in a little later than normal, she had to make quick work of showering and getting dressed before her appointment. Y/n plucked her favorite pair of converse from the stand near her front door and plopped down on her couch to put them on. As her weight settled in the middle of the couch she felt something bump her hip. She turned, her brow scrunched together on her forehead to find her laptop falling into her hip.  

“Seriously,” she huffed to herself. After all the time she spent looking yesterday, it had been on her couch all along. She could have sworn she checked the cushions, but apparently not as well as she thought. Y/n picked up the device and set it on the coffee table so she would be sure of where it was later, before bouncing out the door. 

Nothing had changed about the small office she once again found herself in. The walls were still the same soft shade of green she used love some time ago. They still held the same paintings and the plants that had once threatened to overtake the room were still alive and strong. Even the couch that she had hated sitting at was still full of accent pillows that tossed a splash of color into the otherwise neutral room. 

Y/n took a deep breath, allowing the essentials oils diffused into the space to ground her. It was like she had never left, and there was nothing she was more thankful for at this moment. When Gen had said she should talk to someone, she didn’t know Y/n had already scheduled this appointment. She had fallen so far from being a reasonably functioning human being. Just seeing Jensen and Danneel together and admitting out loud she wanted to sell her business, had sent her into a tailspin. Y/n had reached her breaking point, and she wasn’t hesitant to admit that she needed help. 

“Please, take a seat.” Dr. Hawkins stood up from her place behind her desk as Y/n entered, picking up her notepad and taking a seat in the armchair across from the couch. Y/n complied to her request, making herself comfortable on the soft furniture. 

“It’s been a while since we talked last. Where do you want to start?” Y/n bit her lip as she contemplated her choices. It truly had been a long time since she had been to see her therapist, and with everything that had happened in her life, she could build her way up or just jump right into things. “How about we start with work?” Dr. Hawkins suggested after a moment of silence. 

“Work is hectic. Things are really hitting off, not to mention I just spent the last few months juggling my business and working on set with my brother.” Y/n fidgeted in her seat, a movement that did not go unnoticed by Dr. Hawkins. 

“Yeah, and how did that go?” 

“Not at all how I expected.” Y/n was gnawing on her lip again. She wasn’t sure why she was hesitant to talk. After all, that was the whole reason she was here in the first place. Hell, she might as well just jump right into it. Y/n took a deep breath. “Long story short, I slept with Jared’s best friend slash co-star slash guy he considered his brother. All behind his back, for months.” 

“And why do you think you did that?” Y/n scoffed. She should have seen that question coming, she just expected more of a reaction. 

“Because I’m an idiot. Because the guy made me feel safe, and beautiful, and loved. I think I was lonely after clashing with my mother at Christmas about my dating life and also being stood up. He fed me every line I wanted to hear and for some reason I believed him.” 

“What makes you think he was lying to you?” 

“He told me he was all in. That he loved me and wanted to be with just me. He said it wasn’t just about the sex. But then Jared found out and things got bad. Jared punched him and wouldn’t talk to either of us. For weeks.” Tears were brimming in her eyes. Recounting everything was harder than she thought it was going to be. Admitting it out loud to another person broke her out of whatever bubble she had put herself into. It all sounded so ridiculous coming out of her mouth. “When things got tough he just bailed.”

“What exactly did he say to you?” Dr. Hawkins pushed.

“He said that we ‘all needed a break’.” Y/n made air quotes with her fingers. “His reasoning was that he wanted to give me my brother back and he knew I could live without without Jared.” 

“Was he wrong?” 

“You know me. Family is everything to me. He just failed to see that I can’t live without him either.” It was hard for her to admit that out loud. After all, she had promised herself that a man would not define her life. Yet here she was, a broken shell of a woman because Jensen left her. It was a constant battle inside her head, a seesaw bouncing back and forth against her skull. Most days it was just exhausting. 

“To me, it sounds like he didn’t lie to you. He may not have gone about things exactly like you wanted, but that doesn’t mean that he was ever insincere with you.” 

“What about me seeing him with his ex fiance all over the media? He told me he was over her, but they are out in L.A. together having dinner.” 

Dr. Hawkin’s lips curled up in a small smile. “Are they still friends?” 

“Not that I know of. I mean, she was at his birthday party a few months ago.” 

“So what is to say it wasn’t just two friends getting together? Who says it had to be romantic? Was there any indication they were intimate?” Oh, she was good. Y/n scrunched her nose up, shaking her head. Of course her broken heart had soaked up what the media had fed her to fuel its own story on things. 

“You know, I understand now when people call therapists ‘common sense filters’.” Dr. Hawkins chuckled along with the messed up woman across from her. 

“So, let’s say that he truly did love you. Perhaps his leaving hurt him just as much as it hurt you. Maybe he needed a friend to talk to? Isn’t that why you are here, to talk to somebody?” 

“Yeah.”

“And did you patch things up with your brother?”

“We are working through things.” 

“It sounds to me that he made the right choice.” 

Y/n bit back the tears. “And me and him? Where does that leave us?”

“Do you forgive him?” Y/n nodded. Of course she forgave him. She would be lying if she said she didn’t. Somewhere deep down, even as pathetic as it sounds, she forgave him the minute her and Jared started talking again. “Then as cliché as it sounds, if it is meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other.” 

“You’re right, that does sound cliché.” Both women laughed, the moment lifting from Y/n’s shoulders. 

“You know, it is okay to mourn your loss. Because that’s what this was. It was a loss, Y/n. All that matters is that you don’t let that grief run your life. And that’s something I tell all my mourning patients. You are a strong and smart woman. I know you’ll get through this.” Dr. Hawkins pushed away her notepad, her full attention on Y/n. 

“Yeah, I see that now.” Y/n smiled, allowing more of the weight on her shoulders to dissipate. Right now, she was kicking herself for not coming back sooner. But that’s what happens, life gets in the way sometimes. What matters now is that she found her way back. Her way back to Austin, to her family. And she would find her way back to happiness, even if it isn’t in the way she expects. More than that, she would find peace.

Part 25 (Final)

Forevers: @spn-impala​​ @22sarah08​​ @turtlepad​​ @callmekda​​ @chaldei​​ @hobby27​​ @cowboysnwinchesters​​ @tranquility-or-chaos​​ @pikabootoyouchu​​ @dawnie1988​​ @grease222​​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​​ @polina-93​​ @clarinette07​​ @moonlight-babeh​​ @suckerforfanfic​​ @witandnargles​​ @sleepylunarwolf​ @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan​ @geeksareunique​ @akshi8278​ @superfanficnatural​ @malfoysqueen14​ @deanwanddamons​ @waywardbeanie​ @emoryhemsworth​

Et Cetera: @jbbarnesgirl​ @hillface89​ @arses21434​ @thevelvetseries​ @sslater34​ @mrsirishboru​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @spnfamily-j2​ @encounterthepast​ @facadeformyrealblog  @supernatural-bellawinchester​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​​ @rebeccathefangirl​ @squirrelnotsam​ @heartinmyhead1​ @1d-killed-me​ @samsgirl93​ @deans-baby-momma​ @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @woodworthti666​ @supraveng​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @heartsaved​ @know2grow​ @littlewhiterose​ @surprisinglysarah​ @stoneyggirl​ @carryon-doctor-lock​ @thebookisbtr​ @youaremyfiveever​ @kalesrebellion​ @lilulo-12​ @winchester-fantasies​ @vicmc624​ @supernatural3002​ @winchester-writes​ @maralisa124​ @therollingstoners​ @parinarain​ @kaz11283​ @charmed-asylum​ 

[samwritesforyou]

Hi!! Just wanted to pop in and say that I love your writing💙 and if you are taking requests? If so, would you please write something about reader being a famous singer and diego is the bodyguard. Reader is kinda infatuated with diego but diego is oblivious, saying that he has to be professional about this new job. I know the prompt is kinda long, sorry about that. But I would love to read something like that🤗

Hii!!! Thank you so much, this means a whole lot to me because I'm kinda going through a tough time and the only thing that keeps me consistently going and feeling creative is just... doing this, writing. so i actually did get heavily inspired by this and thought of a little something! sorry if its not entirely what you had in mind, but that's just what popped into my mind!

On my guard (pt. 1)

part two

Warnings: gender-neutral reader

Wordcount: 2k

You’ve been with your company for a year now. Ever since you signed with them, you weren’t sure what to expect. And honestly, you would never even guess that your passion for singing could lead you this far and you’ve been damn proud of yourself. 

Everything was going well, even the fame was rising - what actually scared the crap out of you, but you were trying to hold it together - so now your manager decided to give you a bodyguard. 

That happened around two months ago, just when you started going around for all kinds of interviews, events and shootings for the magazines.

The company you started working with wasn’t the most popular one, thus their budget wasn’t infinite either. For now, your manager and some bosses above them decided that they’ll try out giving you only one security man. As mentioned already, their budget wasn’t infinite.

And you’d never believe anyone if they would tell you that you would fall for your previously mentioned “guardian”.

You were just on a soundcheck for your ten minutes feature on the upcoming musical event, so you were concentrated on the choreography and keeping your voice steady as you moved around. Suddenly some lights on the podium flickered and turned off. You heard curses from the technical team over on the other side of the spacious room and sighed, realising that this malfunction is giving you a sudden mandatory break from the practice.

Your eyes immediately found their way to his face. Soundchecks were one of the rarest occasions when he didn’t have anything to do - meaning, guarding you - and he always spent it looking at you.

Your music, you guessed. Probably not at you specifically.

Diego... your mind mused and you were already smiling brightly at him. He was so... pretty and caring. Something that goes even beyond his job description, you felt like.

All he did was a faint smirk back with a curt nod of his head.

You sighed and easily jumped off the stage, walking to him until you could stand next to him, back leaning on the barricade behind the two of you.

“How’s it going today, Diego?” you weren’t looking at him now, your gaze focusing on the scene in front of you as some guys started running back and forth, fixing cables and shouting something at each other from the distance.

He shuffled a little next to you, making the space between you bigger now. Diego wasn’t looking your direction either.

“As much as I like these kinds of days, I feel like I’m wasting my time and your money,” you felt his eyes finally stopping for a split second on you, then turning back to its original spot again, “I mean, for the majority of the day there are no people to guard you from,” he spread his hand across the podium before your eyes, demonstrating that there was only staff present.

“Is it that bad?” In your head, the question sounded more jokingly, but the second it left your lips it fell quite heavily between the two of you.

“I mean... no,” he said more quietly, “I just don’t feel professional like this.”

Your face eased with a hint of a smile, swallowing a laugh so you don’t look like you’re making fun of him.

“Diego, how many times am I supposed to tell you that you’re doing your job amazingly? Above average, 11 out of 10 experience,” you said, trying to squish at least some emotion out of him.

This made him chuckle, which you counted as a huge success.

He was obsessed with being professional and good at his job. On one of the long nights in the queue to the interview, he told you that he used to do some work before applying and getting assigned to this, but he’s still new to looking and acting presentable. And he just didn't want to screw this up.

Your relationship, on the other hand, went from professional to friendly quite fast. You realised that you weren’t this friendly even with the staff members that you knew way longer than him. Your chemistry was on point, you guessed.

And you already buzzed to all your close friends that you have a thing for your new bodyguard. But sadly enough, you never had tremendous success in love life and all the people you’ve fallen in love with over the years never liked you back. Or some pretended that they did. And it hurt, but you learned a whole lot from these experiences.

Yet you still found yourself slowly falling for this rare smile of his, his dark eyes focused on you from time to time and this feeling of calmness that he brought to you whenever you were near each other.

“y/n?” You suddenly felt a light tap on the shoulder, hand lingering on your bare skin.

You looked up, meeting Diego’s eyes. You didn’t want to lie to yourself but you were almost certain that there was some kind of tension between the two of you.

He didn’t let go of your shoulder yet - making your heart beat faster suddenly - and nudged with his head towards the stage, raising eyebrows.

“Thinkin’ about something, y/n? They fixed the lighting, you can go back on,” he said, finally letting go of you and you just opened and closed your mouth, no sound coming out.

Then you just nodded, smiling a little before running off to the podium, finishing the rehearsal. 

.

.

“Right now you’re going to go through that exit, alright?” said one of your managers. Voices were buzzing all around you and you felt fucking overwhelmed. “I know, we messed up, y/n, we’re really sorry. But you have to go through the main exit because there’s been some stuff going on in the emergency exit where you were supposed to leave at,” they said hurriedly, shuffling with you through the crowd of people. Your own staff mixed with strangers.

“Okay, okay!” you had to yell in their direction to be heard, “explain to me again, why is this such a huge deal?!”

“Because,” the woman stopped you by the shoulders, looking you dead in the eyes, “you’re famous now. You might not realise it, but if you go out there now, there’s going to be tons of fans waiting for a possible celebrity, alright? I admit, it is a mistake from the management, and you will be compensated, but. It is what it is now, okay? Brace yourself, y/n!” and with that you were left on your own, only with Diego in front of you, pushing through to give you some space to get to the exit.

The concert wasn’t done yet, but your part was finished and you needed to get to a different shooting right away after this.

You were starting to lose the sight of your bodyguard as more and more people were packed in the crowd, making it hard to go through. “Shit,” you cursed and spat on all the policies by grabbing his hand and holding it tightly.

He looked back at you for a split second, making sure it’s you, whom he’s leading right now.

“It’s gonna get messy!” you heard him say, only taking your hand more comfortable into his, grasping tighter.

You felt the heat radiating from your palms clapped together, and even felt his thumb rub over your hand?...

Must’ve been the imagination. And the wild one, at that. You’re for the first time holding your crush’s hand and it had to happen in this rushed and overwhelming scenario. Of course.

But once you made it out of the venue it only got worse. Here, people start recognising you almost instantly. There were no restrictions on personal space and your only shield was Diego.

“Y/n!” “Y/n, you’re so amazing, let’s take a picture!!” “I love you, y/n!” “What, y/n??? I was expecting the other artist to come out of here now! Go away!” 

All types of comments flooded your ears and your heart was pounding in your chest. You felt like you were gonna rip away Diego’s hand from his arm, that’s how much you were clutching it.

You almost made it to the familiar car parked on the side when someone took you by the shoulder from behind, making you slow down and in a surprise your hand slipped from your bodyguard’s, leaving you open to the crowd around you.

There were eyes, mouths, faces, spit, breaths, all kinds of perfumes and smells erupting around you and it was driving you crazy, all you wanted was to get out of there.

“Diego!” you yelled out and the next thing you know he’s already there again, next to you, basically hugging you from behind, his body fully pressed to yours, hands on your hips and he easily turned you two around, making your way once again to the car.

His one hand was up in the air in front of you as some literal shield that people were trying to get through until you made it to the destination.

He almost threw you into the front seat, closing the door behind you and you instantly locked it from the inside, letting out a shaky breath.

Then you heard Diego land on the seat next to you and start the engine.

Once you were on the road through the woods, you looked up out of the window and started crying.

That was too much.

You couldn’t concentrate on anything during your breakdown, only hearing a faint bodyguard’s voice when he called someone as he was driving you straight home.

.

.

“Wasn’t I supposed to have some other photoshoot today? For that.. magazine?” you said quietly, still sitting in the car, not daring to move.

You were parked outside of your place, soft tunes playing on low volume through the radio.

“Yeah, but I called your manager and they said it’s okay to skip it. I explained the situation and they told me that you should rest. Really, y/n,” he already hovered his hand above your thigh - probably wanting to pat it in reassurance - but decided against it, curling his palm into a fist and just putting it back onto his own knee and looking away.

“I don’t wanna be alone tonight,” you just said, watching his whole internal crisis about showing affection and pulling your legs up to your chin, hugging them.

“Do you want me to call someone?” Diego asked, still not looking into your direction.

“Maybe you can stay?..” you said carefully, looking at him.

And not only because of the crush thing. You just... didn’t want to talk to anyone about this and since he was there when it happened, you could possibly find comfort in his presence at the moment.

He finally shifted his eyes, his dark orbs meeting yours. Your look lingered for way longer than it probably should, until he finally spoke up.

“Stay?... Like..” you saw him getting actually flustered about the rest of the sentence, ears reddening and all.

“What are you thinking about?!” you said, laughing and smacking him on the shoulder with your hand, “I just meant.. to stay as a sleepover, you know. Just hanging out. I don’t think I wanna see anyone who might not know what I’m going through,” you added more quietly, slipping into the sad thoughts again, but Diego quickly pulled you out of it once more.

“Oh!” he almost gasped, eagerly nodding and clearing his throat, “sure, I.. yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if it’s professional or not, to just... hang with you like this, but. I think you do need some company,” Diego said, smiling a little bit and getting out of your car.

You got out too, at that, feeling the chill breeze travel around your ankles and making you shiver for a second before you rushed to the entrance.

“Come on!” you said, opening the door and waiting for Diego to catch up. 

“Should we order a pizza or something?” he asked as he walked in, making you laugh again.

This man is definitely gonna cheer you up. And you are also excited to finally get to know your unfortunate crush a little closer.

A/N: also i would love to make it a shorter series, maybe? i already have some plot points that would be cool to write, so let me know if you guys would want that!

[jovialyouthmusic]

Two’s Company - Changes

A Royal Romance Polyamorous Fanfic

Lucy rejoins her partners - how will Brad react to seeing her again and will he remember her? What are the consequences of Drake and Brad’s romp?

Word count 3230

A/N No warnings - just a bit oF dirty talk and a LOT of angst - buckets of it...still no under 18s

You may like to read the chapter where things started to change - The Kiss

4 - Reunion

Drake woke with the dawn. Brad slept soundly on his back, arm half  thrown over his face. He looked so vulnerable and Drake remembered how rough he had been with him the night before. He was torn between anger with Brad and sympathy, and as for himself… He drew his hand down over his face, trying to work out how far across the line he had gone. He’d been vulnerable, lost – and he’d taken advantage of the person he most needed to protect. Or had he? They needed each other, Brad had wanted him as much as he had. Lucy was arriving later that day – should he call her first and tell her what had happened?

He was juggling so much, juggling the happiness of all three of them. He had no idea how much to tell Lucy, and so much hung on whether her presence would trigger Brad’s memory. Reluctantly he shook Brad awake. He opened his eyes, a soft look on his face as he saw Drake, but he refused to let himself to be drawn in. Now was not the time for kisses or promises – now it was time to go back to the real world – the end for now of Brad and Drake, and the continuation of the King and the Duke.

He heard Bastien draw up outside in the SUV and he went down to set about making breakfast for the three of them. They engaged in small talk, but there was an undercurrent – Brad looked at Drake shyly but he refused to engage. Bastien could tell something had happened but didn’t ask.

‘I’m not sure Sophia liked me being away overnight’ Bastien said ‘She wanted to come with me, but I told her she’d be more comfortable at home. She’s as big as a house but refuses to slow down or make any concessions to being pregnant. It helps that she can’t squeeze into the driver’s seat of the SUV’ Brad laughed.

‘I’m so pleased for you, Bas. You know the Crown will do anything to help you. Take as much paid leave as you need, you’ve more than earned it.’ A shadow passed over his face, and Drake knew he was thinking about having his own family – little did he know he would have it sooner than he expected, but would he recognise Lucy when they met later that day?

Breakfast over, they packed their few things and Bastien drove them back to the Palace. Drake sat in the passenger seat and Brad in the back, so any conversation they had was audible to Bastien, and there was no danger of touching each other or longing looks. Drake wanted to shut it down as much as he could until Lucy’s position was more solid. His need for Brad was physical, not emotional – or so he told himself.

There was little unpacking to do when they got back, and Drake took the opportunity to go back to his old room in the turret rather than the room in the Royal Suite. The door through to Lucy’s room had been locked so Brad didn’t get confused. Drake was glad to be alone for a while and just let his mind go blank, push everything out of his mind for a few precious minutes. He found it cathartic to do so – it often gave him a fresh perspective if he could clear his mind.

Finally he went downstairs and they had a light lunch with Regina. She knew the situation and kept the conversation light. As they sat drinking tea, Bastien came in to tell Drake that Lucy was about to arrive. Drake left Brad talking to Regina and went to meet her.

Lucy wore a thin summer dress, her dark hair loose, face pale and drawn. She had a vulnerable beauty, elfin like and delicate but in truth she was strong and passionate, and others often underestimated her. Drake could tell from the thinness of her face that she was not coping well. He embraced her – she knew nothing had changed concerning Brad’s memory and he felt her trembling as her contours melted into his. He kissed her forehead and gently pulled away.

‘I missed you – both of you’ she said wistfully, then set her face with determination ‘Okay, let’s do this. Take me to him’

‘I’ll do all the talking’ Drake said softly ‘Let’s take it slow and gentle’ She nodded and he took her hand and lead her to the drawing room where Bastien had taken Brad, Regina leaving them to their explanations. They paused outside the door and Lucy pulled herself up before they went in.

Brad stood to greet them, a smile on his face that Lucy recognised – the one he wore to welcome diplomats or delegates for the first time, a polite expression masking his true feelings, but his smile grew warm as she took his hand. He raised her hand to his lips to kiss it, and a spark of electricity shot up her arm and made her legs turn to jelly like the first time they had met. She couldn’t tell if he had felt the same thing.

‘Enchanted’ he said and turned to Drake ‘So who is this mystery woman? I need to know’ Drake took a deep breath.

‘Brad. I’d like you to meet Duchess Lucy Valois of Valtoria’ Brad frowned

‘Valtoria? I thought the Duchy was unclaimed?’

‘Brad’ said Drake ‘You need to sit down’ With a look of puzzlement on his face, Brad did as he was told, and Lucy sat also, straight backed, ankles crossed elegantly. Drake carried on ‘You gave the Duchy to Lucy shortly before your marriage. Lucy is also Queen of Cordonia – your wife’ He gave Brad time for the thought to sink in. He looked truly shaken, his face pale.

‘I – I’m sorry, I have no recollection…’ he said faintly. This was a lot to take in and Drake saw him struggling. But he had to go on.

‘There’s more, your Majesty’ he said ‘You also revived a Cordonian tradition of the Triple Marriage – the people of Cordonia, no matter what rank, can enter a marriage with more than one partner. Legally’ Brad turned to him, realisation dawning

‘The two wedding rings’ he said faintly ‘Who – is it you, Drake? Are you the third partner?’

‘Yes your Majesty’ Drake replied, and Brad got up, hands shaking, fingers pressed to his face, pinching his lips, and walked to the window, back to both of them. Drake saw his shoulders start to shake, and he heard a sob escape his lips. Lucy got up and he let her go to the King first and face him, gently taking his hands from his face.

‘Brad’ she said ‘Please, we’re here for you. Let me…’ gently she drew him to her, embracing him as he sobbed. He leaned on her, tears streaming down his face, burying his face in her shoulder. Drake went over to them and all three of them clung to each other. Drake had no more tears, but Brad and Lucy wept, and eventually Drake lead them to a couch to sit. Lucy got a tissue from her purse and dabbed at her eyes and Brad drew a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. They sniffled and blew their noses and Brad looked at Lucy shyly

‘Hello Lucy’ he said ‘You feel familiar - and you are very beautiful, I must have done some tremendously good deed to deserve your hand in marriage.’ Lucy’s smile was bittersweet as it was obvious he didn’t yet remember her fully, but he accepted her presence. She briefly flicked her gaze to Drake, hand fluttering over her belly for a moment, and he shook his head. Brad wasn’t ready to know he would be a father. She nodded and put her hands in her lap, biting her lip.

‘Really, this is a wonderful surprise’ said the King ‘I know it’s not exactly conventional, but I’m delighted to discover that I have a Queen – Drake, you should have told me sooner.’ Drake looked at them – it was like Brad was falling in love all over again, his face an echo of their first meeting. Lucy was not as comfortable, and he had to tell her what had happened between himself and the King – part of their nuptial agreement was that they would be honest about any interactions between any of them. But Brad was talking now.

‘I – I thought it was all bad, what you were keeping from me, Drake. but here I am, with a beautiful Queen – and my best friend as – what – my husband?’ He looked puzzled and Drake pursed his lips

‘Not exactly, we got together because Lucy couldn’t bear to be without me, and you agreed.’ Brad frowned, and Drake had to come clean before things got complicated. ‘We have a nuptial contract that we all signed, and we agreed to be honest with each other – so we have to tell Lucy what happened last night’ Brad sucked his breath in between his teeth and looked down. Lucy turned to Drake, her face dropping for a moment before she composed herself.

‘Lucy, something happened last night. You know we’ve been together, Brad and I, but we always thought of you.’ He looked down at his hands ‘We – last night it happened again, but I wasn’t thinking of you – and Brad couldn’t remember you – so it was – just us.’

‘What did you do?’ asked Lucy, her tone neutral ‘Exactly. Tell me – and not to turn me on, to let me know what’s going on’

‘We kissed’ Drake said, his words falling into a deep thick silence ‘We undressed each other. That’s when it happened - Brad went down on me, gave me a blow job.’ Lucy’s eyes were wide

‘And you didn’t think of me?’

‘I – the night before, we kissed, but I remembered you and – we stopped’

‘But not this time’ her words were clipped, short.

‘No’ he hung his head ‘And I returned the favour’

‘You sucked his cock’ she said firmly

‘Yes’ he realised that wasn’t enough ‘I sucked his cock, and I remembered you then, but I didn’t stop’ Brad cut in as Lucy’s eyes flashed with anger

‘We needed each other’ he said ‘I was going crazy. Blame me, I started it – It felt right, and I didn't know about you’

‘But Drake did’

‘He was beside himself, he was keeping it all in, he broke. I had to mend him’ Brad said

‘I can understand you giving him a blow job, but not the other way round’ Lucy said. Drake dropped to his knees.

‘I’m sorry Lucy, it just – I feel for Brad. I – wanted him’ Lucy’s expression softened – just a little.

‘I know you feel for him’ she said quietly ‘but you didn’t – you hid it from yourself – from me, from Brad. You always have, but it’s changing.’

‘I love you Lucy’ Drake begged ‘I’d go crazy without you. I was crazy’ She let her head drop

‘I’m tired’ she said ‘I need time to think. It hurts that you didn’t think enough of me to stop – but you’ve discovered how you feel about Brad, and that almost makes up for it.’

‘I – is this a game changer? asked Drake

‘It changes things, but I’m not sure how much. We have to find a way forward.’ She got up. ‘I’m going to my room. Let me have a little time to myself – perhaps I’ll come out before dinner’

 Drake sat on the couch, Brad paced the room after she had gone.

‘I can’t begin to understand how hard these past few days have been for you’ Brad said ‘I’m sorry for this whole mess – for driving off when I was tired, it was selfish of me. There are so many more questions, but I have to let all this sink in first’

‘I know’ said Drake raggedly ‘Do you remember any more?’ Brad frowned in concentration

‘It’s odd, it’s a physical memory. I can remember how Lucy feels, I recognise her scent, but I don’t know how we met or any of the things we went through to get where we are. Now we’ve met again I get flashes of her face and different places, but no context, no clue as to where we were’

‘Well at least you’re making progress’ sighed Drake.

‘We need to talk about our relationship’ said Brad gently. Drake pulled his hand down his face

‘I guess so. How do you see it, Brad?’ The King paced the room

‘It’s odd, I feel so comfortable with Lucy despite everything. I suppose I remember you because we’ve been friends for so long.’ He stopped pacing and faced Drake.

‘I care for you deeply – I always have. I guess our unusual marriage arrangement means we’ve seen each other more intimately than a lot of friends. Perhaps it’s only natural to develop feelings like we have. Tell me Drake, how have things changed? What have we done together?’ Drake scowled. He was being drawn way out of his comfort zone, but it had to be done.

‘To start with, it was just like the De Montfort sisters – we just focussed on Lucy and didn’t allow ourselves to get freaked out.’ Brad smiled

‘Now I do remember the sisters’ he said ‘I’m glad we had a precedent for Lucy’

‘It wasn’t quite that simple. They were just fuck buddies but Lucy’s different, she’s…’ He paused ‘I had to learn how to make love rather than just screw. I haven’t slept with another woman since’

‘So how did we…’ Brad waved his hands vaguely.

‘Can we at least drink some whiskey for this conversation?’ asked Drake ‘I know it’s early but it would sure help me’

‘Very well Walker’ Brad went to the drinks cabinet and got a bottle out. He was about to pour when Drake grabbed the bottle and almost upended the bottle into the glass. He knew it was expensive but he didn’t care. He took a great gulp, relishing the burn, and sat, staring off out of the window.

‘It all started off when you asked Lucy if there was anything different she wanted to do. She said she wanted to see us kiss – which we hadn’t done before – and you were very reluctant’

‘I was?’

‘Yeah, it didn’t bother me, I thought it wouldn’t be serious, just a bit of fun, but you almost walked out. It was just a bit of fun, but a week or so later Lucy was away and we both ended up in her bed and agreed to sleep – and I mean sleep – together because we were missing Lucy.’ Brad frowned

‘Yes, it just felt natural to sleep next to you, I guess we’ve done it a few times?’

‘Yeah and – well with Lucy around we’ve gotten used to plenty of sex, and after that, when she wasn’t about, we – helped each other out – like the other night. Hand jobs, blow jobs, but we always thought and talked about Lucy while we were doing it, and we told her. She found it a big turn on’

‘Which is why she was upset when you said you hadn’t thought of her. I’m sorry Drake, I got you into trouble.’ Drake shrugged

‘I guess it might have happened sooner or later, but were pushed into it – we were both emotional and needy. I had to tell her because that’s part of our nuptial agreement – we’re above board and honest about everything we do together – whoever it is, when there’s just two of us.’ Brad sat down heavily and sighed

‘It’s so strange hearing about things I should know. I hope it all comes back.’

‘I think you need to spend some time alone with Lucy when she’s ready’ said Drake ‘It may help your memory, or if not you can start to rebuild your relationship.’ Brad sighed

‘Of course, but what do we do until then?’

‘We need to stay close, otherwise I’d say we could go for a ride. How about we call Bastien and go to your study, clear some of the backlog of work? We had to hold some things back from you when you didn’t know about Lucy’ Brad nodded and the two of them set off to undertake their task.

 When Lucy had retreated to her room she felt exhausted – emotionally and physically. She drew the curtains closed and lay down on the huge King sized bed. Her head still swam with unanswered questions and in her heart there was frustration and grief. She ran her hand over her belly, tears starting to her eyes. This should be a happy time and they should be making plans, but she was stuck in limbo. At least now she had rejoined her husbands – but they had found something in each other that didn’t include her. How would it all work out?

She allowed the tears to flow – again. She thought she had cried herself out but she was wrong. How badly she wanted one of them to comfort her, just hold her and say her name. But which one? The one who had forgotten her after an accident and had no memory of her, or the one who forgot her when he was comforting the other? She felt so alone – save for the little life inside her whom she only knew through a line on a stick, a confirming letter from her doctor, the morning sickness that left her feeling weak and sore.

What Drake had done with Brad felt like a betrayal, but could she blame him? The two men were hurting too and needed comfort – and they were together while she was alone. Drake had told her what they had done - he hadn’t hidden it, that was something at least. It was bringing out deep feelings that he had buried for years. She had always known that the bond between the two men was strong, and perhaps their unusual arrangement had helped to develop it, brought it out. After all, she may have triggered it when she said she wanted to see them kiss, so should she be upset? She had just been the catalyst of what would have happened eventually given the right circumstances. It still hurt though.

She cried herself to sleep, and woke wondering what her husbands were doing, wishing one of them had already come to her to comfort her, then remembering she said she’d wanted to be alone. She picked up her phone and sent Bastien a quick text to discover what was happening.

Where are the King and the Duke?

In the King’s study your Majesty

Ask one of them to come to my room

Which one, your Grace?

Lucy smiled at the formal answer from the stoic guard. At least she could rely on him. She wondered how Sophia was and resolved to ask him next time she saw him

They can decide who

Am on it now

She went to her dressing table and looked at he damage all the crying had done. Her eyes were red and puffy, but apart from a splash of cold water there was nothing to be done. She waited, her heart in her mouth, and it wasn’t long before she heard a soft knock.

 @drakewalkerrosenberg @debramcg1106 @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @goirishsunshine @gardeningourmet @livingthroughchoices @mrs-nazario @mind-reader1 @ooo-barff-ooo @silviasutton1989   @missevabean @mrsdrakewalkerblog @cora-nova @missameliep @tanelle83 @endlessly-searching-for-you @jlouise88 @drakenazario @tabithacarlisle @furiousherringoperatortoad @notoriouscs @classylady1234 @wickedgypsymoon @carabeth @choices-fangirl @indiana-jr @indiacater @noey718-blog @katedrakeohd @bobasheebaby @annekebbphotography @kennaxval @sirbeepsalot @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @aworldoffandoms @iplaydrake @drakesensworld @drakewalkerisreal @samcpossum @melodyofgraves @khakie4 @museofbooks @be-still-my-aching-heart@fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @hopefulmoonobject @emceesynonymroll @dcbbw @cgd03 @simsvetements @mrsdrakewalkerblog @ladyangel70 @crookedslimecreatorpasta @cora-nova @akrenich @stopforamoment​ @burnsoslow​

[patricianandclerk]

(Not) Meant To Be

My Ask | My Ko-Fi | My Ao3 | Dragon Age Discord | Requests always welcome!

“And what are these? Reagents?” Varric asked, and Dorian nodded his head, leaning over the list.

“For the most part, barring… This is a catalyst,” he said, tapping one item on the list. “And this is an alternative to stripweed.”

“Like… Like the tea?” Varric asked. “Why can’t you just use stripweed? We’ve got tons of the stuff.”

“He’s allergic,” said the Iron Bull from the doorway, where he was doing his best to look casual despite having to bend his knees to fit against the door jamb, and Dorian stared at him, surprised. Varric glanced between the two of them, chuckled, and made a note of it.

“Sure, Sparkler, can do.”

“Thank you, Varric,” Dorian murmured. “Whatever I can do in return—”

“Consider it a favour. None of this stuff is hard to pick, right?”

“No, not at all,” Dorian murmured, and he stepped away. Bull was waiting for him in the doorway to Varric’s room, and Dorian stepped out toward him, closing the door behind them.

He hadn’t actually spoken to Bull since two days previous, when he’d woken up in his bed. It had been… pleasant, that morning. Bull had kissed him for what felt like hours, and they’d frotted like schoolboys, it had been so messy, but so tremendously, wonderfully good…

“You mind if we talk?” the Bull asked, his voice quiet.

“Not at all,” Dorian said, not able to look the other man in the eye – but then, he hardly needed additional excuses for that, what with how tall the bastard was. He moved down the walkway a bit, grasping at his door handle, still unlocked as it was, and Bull caught his wrist.

“We can talk out here, if you want,” Bull said. “Nice day.”

“You don’t want to sit down?”

“You don’t like having men in your bedroom,” Bull said, simply.

“And I’m allergic to stripweed,” Dorian murmured, trying to keep his face neutral. He didn’t want to let himself forget that the Iron Bull was a Qunari spy, that he was a Ben-Hassrath. He didn’t want to let himself forget that the Iron Bull was over a foot taller than him, could snap him like a twig if he so chose, that he probably had an assassination method planned for every single person in Skyhold. He couldn’t let himself forget the way that his mouth had tasted, when he’d kissed Dorian, cradled the back of his head and laid him back on the bed like he was made of something fine and delicate. “What should it matter to you, who I allow or don’t allow in my bedroom?”

The Iron Bull shrugged his shoulders, looking out over the battlements, at the blue, blue skies. Tomorrow morning, the Inquisitor would set out with Varric, Cassandra, and Vivienne, moving west. Dorian almost wished he was going with them, if only to avoid the Iron Bull, but he knew that was cowardly of him.

He was a coward, after all. Always running…

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” the Iron Bull said simply. “Figure I did already, though.”

“No,” Dorian said.

“That why you’re looking at my nips instead of my face?”

“Kaffas, Bull, don’t… Don’t call them that,” Dorian said, risking a look up at the Bull’s face. The Bull was looking down at him, smiling slightly, his head tilted to the side. Dorian felt the guilt surge within him as water in a geyser, threatening to blow.

“Listen,” Bull said, “I had a good time with you the other morning. Not saying we gotta go all the time. Not saying we have to go ever again, if you didn’t like it. Just laying my cards on the table: I like you. You’re fun, you’re pretty, you’re good in bed, and you’re good. You want to have sex again, cool, we can have sex. You don’t? That’s cool too.”

“You wouldn’t have sex with me,” Dorian said quietly, forcing himself to keep Bull’s gaze, “because you thought I was too drunk. Do you think I have a drinking problem?”

Bull shrugged. “Maybe, he said. Me too.”

“You too?” Dorian repeated, arching his eyebrows. He sounded defensive, indignant, his voice sharp, and he hated it, hated how he sounded. “What, does the good ambassador keep track of how many bottles you drink per week?” It was like being at home with his mother all over again, Dorian, how many, Dorian, which, Dorian, Dorian—

“Don’t know,” Bull said. “Never asked.”

“My darling man,” Dorian said, “I have no interest in whatever romantic cobweb you’re spinning away in your head. I want sex. Is that clear?”

“Sure,” Bull said.

“We are not star-crossed fools in a romantic play. This is not some tale of two young lovers from Par Vollen and Tevinter.”

“Okay,” Bull said.

Dorian’s hand went to the door handle of his bedroom. But you’re just proving him right, if you let him in, aren’t you? You don’t let men in your bedroom – he’s right. Your bedroom is for you. You let him in, that means you’re letting him in, doesn’t it?

It wasn’t a very nice voice. It reminded Dorian of Gereon: gentle, encouraging, in its tone, and yet so focused on the hard questions.

“Do take me, then,” Dorian said.

“Can do,” Bull said, grinning, and kicked the door shut behind him. “Nice room.”

“No talking!” Dorian said, and Bull’s hand clasped tightly over Dorian’s mouth, making him whimper.

“Got it,” Bull said in a stage-whisper, shooting him a one-eyed wink that really shouldn’t have worked, and shoved him toward the bed.

--

“So, Dorian,” the Bull said, some weeks later, in full earshot of the entire Crestwood encampment, “about last night.”

He had, at the very least, chosen to hold back for a little while, which was impressive enough in itself, given that he ordinarily couldn’t stop himself going on and on about tavern girls and serving wenches and stable boys. Dorian could, at least, give him that. Still, though, a hot flush burned on the back of his neck, uncertain. They hadn’t agreed not to talk about it. He’d assumed the Bull would begin to brag immediately, had never bothered to mention it.

In Tevinter…

But then, this wasn’t Tevinter.

“Discretion isn’t your thing, is it?” Dorian asked.

“Three times!” Bull growled, delightedly.

Dorian glanced at him. Three? They’d shared a bath together – ridiculously awkward, finding a steel tin big enough for Bull’s gigantic bulk – and merely drawn it out. Three…?

“Also, do you want your silky underthings back, or did you leave those like a token? Or… wait! Did you “forget” them so you’d have an excuse to come back? You sly dog!”

Bull was looking right at him, a grin on his face, and Dorian shifted in his seat, doing his best not to smile. This was… ridiculous. Some utter nonsense that the Bull was blurting out, to what, ensure Dorian wasn’t so embarrassed? If anything, he should be more embarrassed, if Bull was going to make up whatever he pleased…

“If you choose to leave your door unlocked like a savage,” Dorian said archly, “I may or may not come.”

“Speak for yourself,” Bull purred, and Dorian swore to keep himself from laughing.

--

“What is it, then?” Dorian asked that night in their tent, even as he perched crosslegged on Bull’s thighs, a book open on the surprisingly perfect lectern of his chest. “If you make up nonsense about our interludes, I shall be more comfortable with people knowing about our relationship at all? My poor, thin Tevinter skin might be spared the buffeting of people knowing I am perhaps— Perhaps sexually engaged?”

It wasn’t meant to be like this. It wasn’t mean to be so easy, or so nice, or—

Or any of it.

“I thought it was funny,” Bull said, playing over Dorian’s hip. “Thought you’d like a chance to complain about me.”

“Very thoughtful, I’m sure,” Dorian murmured. “You fool.” He set the book aside, and replaced it with his palms, spreading them over Bull’s chest. “These silky underthings you were imagining…”

“Yeah?”

“Perhaps…”

Bull surged to kiss him, flipping them over, and Dorian laughed, breathlessly, disbelievingly, as Bull started kissing his ear, his cheek, his neck.

[magilitness]

just jumbled thoughts as usual

Sometimes I wonder whether I truly love someone or was it just hormonal. I can’t differentiate it because I am always in denial. I deny my thoughts whenever my heart racing like crazy whenever he is near me, whenever he laugh and have an eye contact with me. I don’t know was it love or could it be that I was just being hormonal? I try as much as possible to be neutral around him like I used to when he wasn’t single. I’ve read somewhere that the first attraction from a person is availability. I try so hard to not control my smile or laugh when I’m around him because I wanted to convince myself that he would just see me as a friend, nothing more. Isn’t it better to be in love secretly rather than being vulnerable and tell the world about how you feel towards someone?

Sometimes, I also wonder what if you fall in love again with someone after your marriage? Marriage is a gamble, my mom said that. You would never know whether he is the right one or not and you might regret later but what else can you do? One thing I know about my heart is that it will only fit one special guy. But, I don’t know when will someone I like will like me back. Maybe yes, I should have more confidence in myself. Maybe confidence is an attraction that I don’t own. 

Okay, let me be clear about one thing. If I befriend with a guy, it was because I purely wanted to be his friend but in case for this guy, he is just fcking perfect. He is someone that I want to have in my life. His personality and attitude towards things are just something that I wish I can learn from. It’s just unfortunate because there are so many things that would hinder my imagination from coming real. Maybe, it’s better to keep the feeling as a secret crime, maybe I would still learn from him that way. The things that I feel might just be hormonal. I don’t know what’s love anymore. Maybe because I don’t really have it in me. I need to know myself, to love myself so that I can speak up for myself. Also for me to know and differentiate between imaginary love and real love. Between the thin line of friendship between a male and a female to whatever the society categorised what a male and female should be in a relationship. I need to say this out loud so that it would sound sane in my mind and by saying it out loud, means writing for me. I need to put this somewhere out there for me to know that I am doing a vulnerable thing like putting up myself to the public even though this blog is only known to my close friends. A person said that she adore me because of my bravery but I don’t feel the same. The truth is, I am a coward of my own life. I am a big loser. Sometimes I feel like I need people to listen to me and do what I wanted them to do because sometimes I feel like people do not take me seriously. There is always something wrong with me whenever I’m being hyped, it’s either my behaviour is too annoying or my voice is just too high pitch that I sound like a child instead of a mature adult who supposedly can control herself in public or whatever maturity really means. Ugh, sucks.

 Everything sucks in adulthood. Now I am not really sure why exactly I feel excited 10 years ago, to enter adulthood, to live on my own blabla. Is everyone like me? Immature, naive thinking. No, certainly not. There are people who got matured since their teenage years, or even before that. 

As I got older, I know that I have not tried so many things, have not visited so many places and not experiencing a good love life as what I have always imagined during my younger years. I have read somewhere that love when you’re ready, not when you feel lonely. Not until you are comfortable to be alone can you have someone in your life to fill the void that you think comes with physical fulfilment. I think I am too comfortable to be alone now that I think having someone by my side would be a trouble for me, even though, initially, I think my soul needs to be loved by someone and I need to love someone unconditionally. I enjoy watching movies in the cinema alone, go to eat at the restaurant alone, I know that I am enjoying my life even though I don’t have someone to accompany me. I know that I am capable of making myself feel happy without someone who calls me his. There are times when I feel like I do not want to get married. For some people, marriage is just a legal contract between two persons who promise to leave their wealth to the other person when they die. I don’t share that idea of marriage but I do think that marriage is for committed people. Forget the case where people got into arranged marriage, I’m talking about the marriage that two genuine person who meet each other in their 20s or 30s and in love enough that they choose to promise each other to be loyal and truthful to each other to get into a legal relationship called marriage. If I can give a definition not one that’s defined by my religion, I would call it ultimate decision in life that someone has to make. Anyway, now that I write about these things, I feel a tremendous feeling that actually I think I am alright being like this. Although I do like him. I should not expect that he will like me back for whatever reason he has, right? Why would I spend the time to think about how should I change to be more attractive to just attract the attention of this one person. As long as I am happy with the quality that I have, I think I’ll be fine. It does not mean that I don’t have something in me that I want to improve, it’s just I think, maybe if I being satisfied with the things that are not in my control,i.e: the person you like to like you back, I’ll be happier. Having a bf is not everything either so I should not worry about it. When the time comes, he will appear in front of me LOL okay, I shall not expect anything about this matter because I might be disappointed later. 

Jodoh is His mystery. I shall let myself be surprised and shall not be wondering about it. When the time is right, anything can happen. I hope for the best. May the odds forever in my favor.

[07-02-2017-blog]

My experience with FFS. Part 1

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I had moved some great mountain. My surgery was scheduled for 11:30, meaning I had to be there at 9 to check in and get settled and ready for surgery. It was 7am. I finally cleared all obstacles getting me to this day, and I had nothing in front of me but this life-changing, affirming surgery.

I hurriedly got ready in comfy clothing, not bothering to put on any makeup or fuss with my hair which, by itself, made that day unlike others. I took whatever pills I could dry swallow, since I could not drink or eat anything for 12 hours prior to surgery. I was mostly grumpy due to not having eaten breakfast, and seeing my mom drink her coffee made me deeply envious.

To anyone who is reading this that hasn’t had an amazing trans related body surgery, I woke up that day with the feeling like I was going to some tropical getaway. Everyone is excited to go away somewhere exotic and tropical; and waking up on the day of travel, you feel very very antsy to get there, and you can’t believe the day has come. But you must make the day through the treacherous airport lines. I was so close to the end of that line.

My analogy of going somewhere foreign and exotic mirrors why I decided to go through with this surgery. I was finally leaving behind the harsh conditions of having my face; it was hard to be out in public and I was always cooped up inside, to then go to a place where my face could look inviting, exotic, warm, new. Once I had the new face, I would get to make all these new amazing memories that would enrich my life forever. I just had to face (no pun intended) a day of waiting; waiting to be called, waiting to be put out, waiting to go home, waiting for that amazing recovery.

My mom, as brave as she is, was nervous all morning. At the end of the day, one of her babies was going to be put under a anesthetic and undergo a five hour procedure. I think every person can relate to having a mother being nervous on the day of surgery. We went down to her rental car, and I left my apartment for the last time with my old face.

—-

During the 30 minute drive, I thought about of all the endings that were being dumped on me. My family was never going to see my face as it was ever again. I was not getting changes to the point of looking unrecognizable, but still, the next time I would be sleeping in my bed, my face would be changed forever.

We arrived early and I excitedly hopped out of the car while my mom parked. I went up to registration and told them what I was getting done, and showed them my health card. While the kind volunteer made my wristband, I said in a pleading tone “Please don’t let the sex say male—I am a girl!” I’d been to a hospital recently since then, and the nurse there had put it upon herself to assume I was a male. I could go on and on about that, but that’s for another time. I was there to get my face feminized and my wristband was NOT going to say male. Not allowed.

I then went over to the corresponding pre-op room, with my correctly female gendered wrist band thank you VERY much, and the volunteer there took me to the makeshift changing rooms, along with a key to a locker. I was instructed to strip down behind the dressing curtain, change into the hospital gowns, and store my personal belongings in the locker.

Now, as a transgender female, whenever I hear the words ‘dressing room, bathroom, strip down, or take all your clothes off’, I go into hyper defensive mode. I needed to take off everything?! Even the delicate article of clothing that hides my biggest shame? (Cis translation: my underwear. Panties. Whatever ya call em). I was completely naked; the only thing separating me from showing the whole pre op room my genital situation was a heavy linen curtain. I called my mom in to tie up the back of my dress (god bless her), finished putting on the dress, put slippers on, put on a hairnet, and bam! I was one girl lookin’ great for surgery. I was escorted into the sitting room. I waited until a nurse came to get my final vitals and ask me about my weight, height, and last foods/meds consumed. I was sitting in a chair in an unflattering, frumpy mint hospital gown, wearing nothing underneath. My junk hadn’t been free like that since 2015. On top of all of this, that this was when I started the Holy-Shit-I’m-Getting-Surgery thought process.

Between not being able to cover my body parts properly and waiting in a poorly lit room to be cut open, needless to say the panic was mounting. For a time I looked around at all the people being wheeled off to surgery and having their blood checked; then I thought holy shit, that’s gonna be me soon! And, because my insecurities always come out at the most perfect times, I was looking around wondering what gender people thought I was. I was wearing a gender neutral frumpy dress and my long brown hair was sloppily tucked into the hairnet. In my mind, every person that looked at me saw a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am a woman; but pre surgery, when I couldn’t wear makeup or hair or femme outfits, I was mistaken for a male.

Uhhh, that’s wrong.

My insecurities were confirmed when a nurse called me for a final pre-surgery questioning, and she continually referred to me as he-she. No, not in the offensive way that you are thinking, what I mean is that when talking to other nurses, she would say things like "Oh yeah—I’m almost done with hi—uh her, he—she is just about to go into pre-op procedures.”

Yeah. I got that for the past two years. Well meaning people who do correct themselves and respect my identity, but nonetheless, through no fault of their own, subconsciously assign me as male. And it kills me all the same.

I was then ushered into the outside of my surgery room. There I met with the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, the main nurse helping in the surgery, etc. They all reassured me and told me the surgery is going to go amazing, and that I’d be okay. My surgeon assured me that he preforms a lot of these surgeries, and everything would be alright. Well, so much for reassuring me. I was a nervous, fidgety mess. I was about to be cut open for god sakes! My brow bone was literally about to be shaved! I consulted with my anesthesiologist about how panicked I was, and he assured me that he was gonna give me the good stuff to really make me loopy.

One of the nurses participating in my surgery came into the room, and told my mom and I that they were all ready and set up for me to go in. I tearfully hugged my mom goodbye, and told her to busy herself with her various friends while I was in surgery so she wouldn’t panic. I kissed her and she told me how brave she thought I was as I walked away with the nurse. The first thing the nurse mentioned to me is how tall I am (hey, short people: saying I’m tall is neither a compliment nor an insult. It’s just a fucking statement. You don’t have to acknowledge it. I promise you’ll be fine.) Obviously this annoyed me, and distracted me from my nervousness for a split second. Then, I was ushered into a Grey’s Anatomy-esque Operating Room (yes, I know that reference makes me basic) which shocked me back into nervousness. Holy shit. I’m getting operated on. What did I get myself into?

In retrospect, what happens next was a healthy distraction from my mind automatically thinking the worst results of my surgery. And it also realigned why I needed this surgery for MY own peace of mind. All of the operators in the room were calling me “he,” and then hastily (or not so hastily, I remember you bitches) correct themselves. I went immediately into self deprecation mode. Well yeah they misgender me because I’m not wearing anything indicating I’m female. I combatted that thought with a sense of defeat and pure frustration; even operators that are operating on someone who is getting FACIAL FEMINIZATION SURGERY wouldn’t put in the effort to try and be respectful of my identity. And then I had one final thought: with this surgery, I can go outside without trying so hard to preform ‘female’ and I can still be respected and identified naturally as a girl! That was my original goal! Let’s fucking do this!

My anesthesiologist put the IV in, and remarked that I was going to be drowsy in about five seconds. I didn’t even have time to think, and then bam. All the tension left my body. I was suddenly floating on a cloud and everything was beautiful. The assistant anesthesiologist put my oxygen mask on and said “Okay, let’s start putting him out.”

Suddenly my frustration of being misgendered there of all places was mixed with my razor sharp focus to get into this surgery and complete it. Amidst the effects of an inhibition-lowering drug, I took off my mask and yelled to the room: “She, Her, HERS! She, her herrrrrrrr-“

—-

I woke up in what felt like two minutes after being put out. I was still tremendously high from the weaning anesthesia. I felt blissful and absolutely at peace. I did it! And no pain! (just wait, Sami). The nurse said a bunch of soothing shit that went over my head. I toned her out and basked in the accomplishment. I had booked this surgery all the way back in October, and waited for it to be preformed on April 9th, 2018. I moved away from my family in the states so I could work my ass off and save for this surgery.

I’m on the other side. I can now be free! And be more Samantha than ever!

-Samantha Kru 🤠👽💀

(P.S… I will post my post ffs experience, from waking up to a month later, as soon as I can! This is long enough on its own! Haha)

[lady-zombies]

My final thoughts on Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 HEEENNNYYYYY

Hold on to you’re wigs children, it’s a long ride.

Morgan McMichaels-

I’ll admit it, I thought Morgan was a total bitch and I absolutely did not care for her.

HOWEVER, once she came back, and we got to see the other sides of her, I was like “wow, shame on me for completely and totally misjudging her”

Now I’m low key disappointed that she didn’t get more screen time

I would have loved to really see what she could bring

All in all I’m happy that she was able to get back into the spotlight and earn some hella respect from a whole new fan base ❤️

Thorgy Thor-

I absolutely love me some Thorgy Thor gurllll

I love how crazy and cucky she is, her whole vibe I totally dig it

I just wished she would believe in her self truly

I felt she spent so much time exerting so much energy into jealousy and paranoia that she didn’t really get a chance to shine for her true self.

All in all, I’ll always love me some Thorgy Thor and I can only hope that she’s able to see past her demons and become her best self ❤️❤️

Milk

Ohhh big and Milky gurlllll

I liked milk in her orginal season

I thought she was a weirdo in the best way and just totally misunderstood

That being that, I was a bit disappointed when she came in with her total holier than thou kind of thought process, which I totally called btw

Yes, you got to work with Marc Jacobs but that don’t make you the queen of England honeyyy

Tho on the other hand I think it’s never really a bad thing to be to confident in life

Milks confidence, tho it sometimes makes her head swell, will take her super far in life

Stay big, stay milky

Because honey I’m not lactose intolerant and I want alllll the Milk 🥛 🥛🥛🥛❤️❤️

Just you kno, chill sometimes 🙃

Chi Chi DeVayne-

Chi Chi is a precious baby who deserves to be protected at all cost

I love Chi Chi so much okay

It pained me to see her feel like she wasn’t up to par with the other queens

However i also admire her for her self realization that yeah, maybe she isn’t

But it’s all good baby because she had grown from her original season

And just like a beautiful blooming flower, she’s just gonna keep growing ❤️❤️🌸🌸

Sending any kind of hate her way is like stepping on puppies okay

Aja-

I am so proud of Aja okay

I think for having the smallest amount of time between seasons, she grew absolutely tremendously

I was neutral about her in her original season

But when she came back I was absolutely sold heeennnyyy I love me some Aja now

I truly wish she had been chosen to come back because I felt she had the best track record of the eliminated queens and had the most to offer

I highly expect her career to take off to the stars and I wish her all the best of luck❤️❤️❤️

I literally say “heyyy yo sissss” all the time now, thanks a lot Aja

BenDeLaCreme

Ohhhhh miss BenDeLa !!

I did not expect her to do as well as she did at all tbh

It actually kind shook me cause I was like ohh gurl if she keeps doing well, that means she’s gonna win

And that mean Trixies not gonna win...

I’m usually really good about avoiding spoilers but I totally seen that she was going to eliminate herself

I didn’t want to believe it but when I watched it, it was like I couldn’t really feel it cause it had been spoiled

However I do truly respect her for doing what she did

When it comes to confrontation DeLa is literally me

I hate it so much, it makes my skin crawl

If she wouldn’t have eliminated herself I think it’s obvious she would have won

All in all, DeLa is truly a pure soul in the world and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. ❤️❤️

Bebe Zahara Benet

I didn’t really know how to feel about Bebe at first tbh

I had watched season 1 once like a long time ago

And honestly I was like okay... when she won

Now that she was back, I do truly see why she was picked to be the very first winner of Drag Race

Everything she does (except maybe choreography😅) she’s great at !

I did think she was a bit divalicious but who wouldn’t be in her position

I also love her love for her home country

It goes so well with her over all “brand” and what’s better than being absolutely proud of where you come from ?

Bebe is an embodiment if that

All in all, great well polished queen

And like she said heennyyy she’ll still always be the ORGINAL Rupaul’s Drag Race winner ❤️❤️❤️

Kennedy Davenport

Kennedy is a grumpy old man who just wants some lovin

I’ll be honest I felt like Kennedy was sort of a Roxy Andrews situation

There were many times where I felt she should have went home

However I can understand the struggles she’s had and in the end yes, I do truly believe she deserved a spot in the top 4

Top 2 ?? Ehhhhh, not at first I’ll be honest

But the more the eliminated queens and Kennedy herself talked about how all the other queens are basically so much more well out than she is, and how she kinda did need the win more than the other girls, the less mad I was

In the end I was like yeah, Kennedy does need this win, and even thou I am a die hard Trixie fan, I would have been absolutely 100% okay with Kennedy winning 🙌

I hope everyone gives her the proper love she deserves at DragCon as well as any other meet and greets

She is truly an amazing dancer, she paints a beautiful mug and she’s the kind of person who will tell you the truth, and the shit you need to hear even tho you don’t wanna hear it, you know what I mean Vern

I admire Kennedy and I wish her the best of luck in her career and life ❤️❤️❤️

Shangela

Like I said before, I am a die hard Trixie Mattel fan, like I would take a bullet for her

However.... I truly truly believe, Shangela was robbed and should have won !

I straight up thought she was gonna win !

You can clock my previous post about where I straight up say I think Shangela is going to win

And she damn well WOULD HAVE DESERVED THAT WIN!!

Shangela is the epiphany of a GLO UP !!!!

I remember the days where she was that kinda ratchet, not so polished, kinda short tempered, says whatever the hell she wants kind of queen and I’ll be honest, I did not care for her like at all

When season 3 came along I was like oh great, this bitch again

And I feel like that was the over all vibe she had in her drag race career

But nowwwww OHHH HONEEEYYY

I fucking love Shangela

I cannot describe how proud of her I truly am (word of the day: truly)

From the first episode when she came in, in her box and her cute little blue dress I was like I gurlll something is different about you in all the best ways

I can’t even describe how amazing her blossoming into a beautiful butterfly has been to experience

Shangela’s Drag is on point af now

She killed just about every challenge

I didn’t expect that

But I love it

I love Shangela

It killed me to see her reaction when she lost

She’s gonna go super far in life and I couldn’t be more excited for her ❤️❤️❤️

TRIXIE MATTEL

So apparently I ran out of text blocks so Trixie’s is going to be one long thing separated by... first of all OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG... I literally fucking cried when she won... I just about had a heart attack when she was pick for the 2nd queen... I really did not think she was going to win... but I couldn’t be happier what she did... Her as3 journey was an emotional roller coaster tbh... I thought this season was going to be kinda like season 2 how it seems like it was made for Alaska... I thought this season was going to be made for Trixie... it really thru me off when she didn’t start off so strong... I also felt bad because she would always talk about how she felt like she was letting her fans down... I wanted to do nothing but shower her with love but I didn’t even realize what kind of pressure was set on her... I was legit worried for a bit that she would be eliminated... and tbh when Ben went home, I was low key relieved because I was like there is now way Trixie is going to win with Ben out her slaying every challenge.... I don’t know what happened when she snapped out of it and finally brought it... but am I sure glad she did... obviously I think Trixie deserved to win, but I can still appreciate her fumbles and reasons on why LOTS of people are mad about it. But seriously, it’s just Drag !!! Just like anything else in the world, shit happens, and then we move on !!! Trixie is my queen, and I don’t know how that happened because all my life I’ve totally despised country music and basically any country folk stuff at all. Opposites attract heeennyyy...CONGRAULATIONS TO MY BOO, couldn’t be more happy and proud of you bb, I can only hope to be able to graze your presence at DragCon this year 💗💗💗💕💖💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💗 on a side note: I am just a simple 20 year old Bisexual girl from Colorado, and I just want to say, never in my life did I ever think that I would be so obsessed with (mostly)men in makeup. Please, please, please don’t send Trixie hate. Don’t send Morgan hate, don’t send Thorgy hate, don’t send Milk hate, don’t send Chi Chi don’t send Morgan hate, don’t send Aja hate, dont send Ben hate, don’t send Bebe hate, don’t send Kennedy hate. Drag race is this beautiful thing where all kinds of people can come together and enjoy and embrace their selves together as one. I love the LGTBQ community and it just absolutely blows my mind how quick things can get so ugly. All these queens make it a note to point out the importance of mental health, and I don’t understand why anyone in their minds would want to go to a specific queens page, be it Twitter, or Instagram or Facebook or whatever, and take time out of their day to write something with such intentions of making someone feel bad. It you have a negative thought about a specific queen, that’s cool, you’re totally obligated to have that, but believe it or not, you won’t explode or anything if you DONT post that rude ass comment. All the queens worked their asses off and it all payed off in different ways. Just be kind to each other people, because at the end of the day, it’s just drag and no matter what everyone’s lives will move on the next day. IDK I GOT KINDA RANTY Okay I’m done

[danglydolan]

You find out you’re pregnant ♡ Grayson

A/N: I think the title explains enough, lol. Grayson and reader are a bit older in this! As always I hope you enjoy 😊 This imagine is full of fluff and I felt a bit emotional writing it, just because the idea was so so cute. Love you all! Xx 

Word count: 2.124

Requested!

You had not been feeling very well these past few days. To be honest; really, really bad. You had been acting cranky, feeling tired, nauseous and were experiencing terrible stomach cramps. Because of your unpredictable behaviour there had been some tension between your boyfriend, Grayson, and you. Sometimes (most of the time, unfortunately) it had led to a discussion or two.

Grayson was normally very calm and understanding; he secretly thought you were about to have your period. But he was only human too and even he couldn’t help but lose his temper sometimes.

The funny thing was actually that you had skipped your last period and you were late for the upcoming one, which was something you couldn’t remember ever happened.

The idea that you could be pregnant hadn’t even crossed your mind, which was a very odd thing. With all the symptoms that were going on there was still no alarm going off in your head.

Tonight was Grayson and yours anniversary. Exactly today you were married for three years; years full of adventures and happiness. He wanted to do something special for this occasion, but you were having the worst night ever. So instead of going out tonight, he had to cancel the reservation for your favourite restaurant. You decided to stay in to watch a movie with snacks (which you had been craving like crazy lately).

You felt very bad for turning him down but he reassured you several times that it was completely fine. He insisted that you stayed home to get better. Celebrating could happen later this week.

‘I’m still so sorry,’ you apologized to Grayson. You were snuggled up against him, feeling warm and safe. A pair of sweatpants and one of Grayson’s shirts was the only clothing you were wearing. Grayson and you had made yourselves comfortable on the couch with a blanket, your head pressed to Grayson’s chest while he was rubbing your back. 

‘Y/N, it’s fine, really. We can celebrate it another time.’ He kissed the top of your head. You sighed. For some weird reason you felt like crying, although you didn’t even feel sad. Jesus, what was going on? You were an emotional rollercoaster today.

Suddenly, without any warning, you could feel your stomach doing a flip. You felt a bitter taste on your tongue. You escaped from under Grayson’s arm and sat up straight, on the edge of the couch. ‘What’s wrong?’ Grayson asked, worry laced in his voice.

You tried to swallow away the weird taste, but it didn’t really help. ‘I-I don’t feel very good,’ you breathed out. You inhaled deeply to block out the dizziness. Grayson gently stroked your back and studied your features, trying to discover what was bothering you. ‘Can I get you something?’

You wanted to answer but a weird sensation rushed through your body, ready to come out. You tasted the food you ate earlier and knew you were going to puke. You quickly got up and sprinted towards the bathroom, covering your mouth with your hand. You heard Grayson’s footsteps quickly following behind you.

Only when you were puking your guts out while Grayson held your hair back, his forehead furrowed in worry, the idea hit you. Maybe you were... pregnant? No, that couldn’t be, right? But it just had to be the answer. It was the only way to explain all the symptoms you were feeling. 

After you thought you were done Grayson grabbed you by your arms and helped you up. ‘I’m gonna make you a bath, okay?’ You nodded absently, the idea of being pregnant not leaving your head. You decided to go to the pharmacist next thing in the morning to buy a test. 

❊ ❊ ❊

After you went to the pharmacy to get the pregnancy test, you almost couldn’t handle yourself. You were so excited that you almost ran home instead of just walking. Yesterday evening you wanted to introduce the idea to Grayson, but at the same time you didn’t want him to get his hopes up.

Yes, you guys had been trying to get pregnant, but there was no rush or anything. Of course; it would be amazing if you could have a child, but after last year you knew you had to be careful.

The last time you told him you were two weeks pregnant he was tremendously happy. You were too, of course. The two of you talked about it every moment of the day and when the baby room was almost ready and you were too, something you didn’t expect happened. You got a miscarriage.

Grayson and you had come out of it very strong and you were even convinced that it enhanced your relationship, but it had been a hard time. You cried a lot in that phase of your life, having trouble coping with the grief. The reason you were so devastated was because you had been trying to get pregnant for almost two years.

The fact you had failed Grayson and the thought you didn’t deserve him didn’t leave you alone for a long time. Grayson had been your saviour and he promised that that wasn’t the case. You were the love of his life.

❊ ❊ ❊

You sighed as you were hanging above the toilet with the pregnancy test underneath you. You were so nervous that you couldn’t pee, a fact which made you giggle. Finally, after contemplating you should give up and go later, you were able to empty your bladder.

As much as you tried to ignore your nerves, they almost made you dizzy. You tried to act and feel neutral; for all you know you weren’t even pregnant.

The time went by more slowly than ever and after five minutes you started to get frustrated. Finally, after waiting what felt like an eternity something on the pregnancy test appeared; a +. It was big and clear, but there were two of them. 

It took a moment before you realised the good news. You were pregnant! You couldn’t believe it. Four weeks already! Oh, God. You felt so happy. How great would it be to have a little Grayson walking around the house - if it was a boy, of course. 

Something you found weird was that there were two large pluses, instead of only one (like the package showed). After reading the instruction you came to the surprising conclusion that if you had one plus you were pregnant with one baby. If more than one plus appeared chances were (for 95 %) that you were pregnant with twins.

Your eyes went big when you read that, your heart starting to pound very fast. Being pregnant was one thing, but having twins was another story. Grayson would freak out. Speaking of Grayson; he was upstairs doing some work, not having any idea of what was going on downstairs.

❊ ❊ ❊ 

‘Gray! Grayson!’ you yelled. You were nervously standing in the living room, the pregnancy test hidden behind your back. ‘Y/N! Baby?’ Grayson yelled back. ‘Are you okay?!’ 

‘Yes! Can you come down for a minute?’ You heard Grayson hurried footsteps instantly, rushing downstairs. His eyes were big and full of worry. ‘What’s wrong, baby? Is everything okay?’ You smiled. ‘Everything’s fine, Gray. Relax.’ He rushed towards you and tried to take your hands, but you took a step back. Grayson looked at you, his face expression confused. He had no idea what you were going to tell him.

‘I have news,’ you spoke, creating a mysterious silence. When you didn’t continue Grayson looked so confused you almost felt bad for him. ‘What is it, Y/N? Help me out here, please.’ Okay, here goes nothing, you thought. You smiled like a goof and showed him the test. ‘We’re going to be parents.’

Grayson’s eyes flickered from the test back to your eyes, and then back to the test again. ‘I’m pregnant, Gray,’ you spoke softly, a big smile from ear to ear on your face. Just like you it took a moment before Grayson realised what you just stated.

‘Oh my God. Oh my God!’ he squealed and took you in his arms. He swung you around the room and you giggled, your face pressed to the crook of his neck. He smelled heavenly.

‘We’re going to be parents! I’m going to be a dad!’ he cheered and put you down. ‘Ehm, daddy,’ you corrected him, chuckling softly. He smirked cheeky at you, knowing exactly what you meant.

‘And I also have something else that I should tell you,’ you said. Grayson bit his bottom lip and his beautiful went even bigger. ‘There’s more?’ he asked in disbelief. You looked back at the pregnancy test. ‘According to this there is a 95% chance that there is going to be two of them.’  

‘Wait... Twins?! Y/N, this is unbelievable!’ Grayson pulled you closer and kissed your forehead. After that he kissed you passionately on the lips and then leaned back to cup your face. ‘This is amazing. I can’t describe how happy I am. It also explains why you were feeling so weird these last few days.’ He laughed.

He wrapped his arms around you and together you just stood there, both loving the moment you were sharing. It felt so unreal. You were going to be a mother; starting a new phase in your life. You were so caught up in your own thoughts and all of the emotions you were feeling, you didn’t realise right away Grayson shoulders went up an down in a shaky rhythm. He was crying. 

A feeling of warmth filled you, happy that Grayson felt comfortable enough to expose himself like this and show his feelings. ‘Aw, babe,’ you grinned softly. ‘It’s okay. Let it all out.’ It didn’t take long before you started sobbing as well. Oh well, who the hell cared? You were going to be a mom and Grayson a father; you felt like the happiest person in the world.

❊ ❊ ❊

After talking about it all day and night, you decided to go to bed when it was nearly 1 pm. After you put on one of Grayson’s oversized shirts you crawled under the covers. Grayson joined you not much later. You had too much energy and you figured it was going to take long before you would eventually fall asleep.

You went laying on your back while Grayson lay beside you on his left, his elbow supporting his head. He looked at you with so much admiration it made your heart flutter. ‘You’re going to be such an amazing mother, Y/N. I can’t wait.’

You smiled and locked eyes with him, your heart swelling up at the thought this person was going to be the father of your child. How could you ever get so lucky? A question to which you had no answer to.

‘And you are going to be such a wonderful dad,’ you whispered and brought your hand up to stroke his cheek. He smiled and moved his hand to the hem of your shirt. ‘Can I?’ he asked uncertain. You nodded and slowly he lifted it up, exposing your stomach.

‘I don’t think you can really see something already, baby,’ you giggled. Grayson chuckled. ‘I know... But still, I like the fact that two little persons are already growing inside of you. Almost as if we’re a family already,’ he whispered and placed his big hand onto your stomach. You shivered at the touch of his warm skin.

You watched him as he stroked your belly gently, a smile appearing on his face. Gosh, he was so beautiful. He moved his body lower and placed a sweet kiss onto your belly button, which caused your insides to melt. He placed his chin onto your stomach and looked up through his long eyelashes. You grinned and sweetly ran a hand through his fluffy hair.

‘Honey... what if... you know, I have a miscarriage again?’ you asked slowly, trying to keep your voice as steady as possible. It was quiet for a moment as Grayson stared into your eyes.

Eventually he spoke, his voice sounding a bit husky. ‘Then we’ll try again. And again. And if it happens, I know we’ll get through it. I promise. We can get through anything.’ You sighed, feeling content with his answer. He was right, as always. There was absolutely no use in worrying about things you had no control over, let alone something that would maybe never happen.

Right now, everything was more than perfect. ‘I love you so much, Gray...’ you whispered, afraid your voice would crack. Grayson smiled. You felt his warm breath on your skin as he placed another sweet kiss, going lower this time. Next he placed a kiss just above your waistline. You knew to what this would lead. ‘I love you more, baby. You deserve all the love in the world.’

[kokoro-no-vocaloid]

Cendrillon 1 - Part 1

Inside the carriage, whose oscillation hardly could be considered comfortable, Cendrillon left her mind fly in a short dream.

Appear in the east of the sky what appears to be the moon, similar to the moon with which she dreamed so many times.

This dream again, uh…

Inside the dream, she was an aquamarine chasing a blue butterfly. With soft flutter and his dance in the wind, the blue butterfly seemed cheer her up to approaching, with a "Come on here". Between the rings formed in the Surface of the water where the blue butterfly descends, Cendrillon also descend over the center of the waves, the flutter of her wings stopped slowly.

In an instant. A strong wind shake her since the horizon, and her wings end up for perching in a different point over the surface of the water. In that moment she can't move. In front of vision of the waves that the blue butterfly had left behind, she also beginning to sink slowly.

The water fills completely her vision and, shinning with a brightly ligth of moon, there are scales that under water float and that’s the last thing she see, just before all turns black. That darkness was like a shadow sliding down toward the depths of her heart, she was thinking “i also wanted descend over the center of those waves”. This tenuous feeling permanence in Cendrillon claiming that this was something sad.

  Because she had dream these a lot of times since her childhood, she thought in the possibility of the divination, either for if was is signs of some omen, or for “And if has any meaning?”. But the dreams are dreams. One succession of memories from the past, mixed with incoherent images.

With a little more of ten years, her trying for discover a meaning of that dream was, finally, replaced with an infinite disappointment; appeared in she also a think more logical and, in the end, them was disappear when Marlene welcomed her.

She has started to forget those memories of her childhood. Why just now they had come to her mind? This night, in the royal palace, a masked ball would be held. Could be the agitation that provoke in her the emotion of know that, finally has arrive the day for the she had be raised and instructed by Marlene.

— Tell me, Cindy.

Beside her, a boy of blonde hair talked to Cendrillon.

—What do you want?

—How does feel become to princess?

—Special. Looks like I’m going to honor my name, like that princess, Cinderella.

— Yeah? Well, I think it is the most suitable for a masquerade.

The boy left scape a fun laugh. His name was Rizal. Su nombre era Rizal. Like Cendrillon, he was a boy welcomed for Marlene. Although generally he acting as a servant of Marlene, fulfilling her messages, today accompanied Cendrillon as part of his escort.

— Let's see, Rizal if you don't call she properly “Princess Cendrillon” all our work will be ruined.

Without turning, a girl whose blonde hair shook under her hat reproached to the boy since the position of the coachman. The girl that acted of coachman had the name of Sully, and, although had the same age as Rizal, she was a bit more adult. They say of the girls mature more fast than the boys, but in Sully´s case, only the psychological aspect seems to have developed.  

— But although she wears of silk at the end Cindy will be Cindy.

— Hehe, you are rigth.

Cendrillon drew a forced smile. She always felt some mistrust when smile in front of those with whom he had grown up as brothers. It was not something she disliked but, only felt completely sure if she did just Marlene had teached she. “Maybe when i was born i was a kind of machine”; in secret, with a cold feeling she lamented.

— That´s not it, Okay? Her partner this time will be the prince, so no faults, we can't afford one.

Sully gave them a brief glance. That glance was charged with vigor toward the mission.

The last masquerade of the prince Charles before his marriage. The following day will be celebrated the nuptials with the noble Margaret of the Holy Roman Empire, the neighboring country; the dance also would serve as a celebration for this event.

This would be the last chance for approach to him without letting them see their true intentions. They wouldn't have a second chance to fulfill them goal if they let it go this.

—I wonder if go with this spirit of fight will not cause any failure. Uh.

Wanting to reassure Rizal, whose face crossed a grin, Cendrillon stroked his blond hair.

—Rizal, surely you do perfectly. It´s me who not are sure of can be do it good.

— I will look to the prince for you. Leave it in my hands, Princess Cendrillon.

With a wide smile, Rizal addressed her according to the "script".

Not a single word came from the coachman's seat.

If you looked up to the roof of the carriage, the canopy that decorated it shining under the moonlight, occupied your entire field of vision. The radius of curvature of the body of the vehicle, circular and drawing a small ellipsis, suggested a completely new style with Renaissance influences; certainly, all of luxury and ornament in that the princess of one kingdom could trip was present.

Inside, of course also was all glow: An interior decoration of red velvet, giving the space one touch of pomposity whit the use of feathers and wool; to avoid mold and mites, small cedar shards had been scatted over the place. The floor and the walls of the cabin has been made of evergreen oak, combined with the walnut that formed the lining of the seats; it was part of an accident planning, ensuring retention. However, a carriage is a carriage. And for many suspension mechanisms that added, which are something essential, can´t avoid catching all the bumps and holes of the road. However, those accustomed to travelling in carriage will know this consideration when making the comparison with an ordinary carriage.  

  Where the hell had Marlene got a carriage like this?

For Cendrillon, who has been forbidden to question any aspect of the mission, has impossible (as is inevitable) don´t wondering. But of course, she never verbalizes it; she was also perplexed at the making of the dress. Being an orphan she would never have hoped, however much for the sake of the mission, a tremendous display of ostentation.

Marlene picked her up from an alley in Naples. On a moonless night, Cendrillon had been rescued by Marlene and her companions from the attack of a ruffian, and thus became one more member.

— What face more beautiful you have. Girl, what is your name?

For a girl who has been lived completely alone since before to be aware of the world around she, there isn't a name; and if once upon had, she doesn’t remember it.

After to see that one shake of head was all her response, Marlene said:

— Even with the face dirty, i can see that in your head all is in order; Since this moment, you will appear before the world as Cendrillon.  

And saying this with a gentle smile, he gently stroked the cheek of the young woman who had just been given a name.

 After that, he taught her many things.

That in the world existed the evil, which galloped rampant for him. That Marlene´s companions surrendered in body and soul, every day, in the study of how destroyed that evil, that to correct that dark side of the world they posed as worldly people. That the only person she could trust was herself.

Everything necessary for her survival, and everything necessary for the activities of Marlene and her own, was inculcated.

In order obtain a knowledge and culture that could rival those of the children of wealthy families, she was assigned a personal tutor. The modals necessaries to go out with a noble, or the steps to dance any kind of dance in a party; she was instructed in every teaching.

And besides, the most important of all… the murder.

  Beginning with a human's vital points, techniques to reduce a target quickly and silently, and methods to neutralize it and how to make sure of it. She was train in the art of suppressed the feelings and having full control over the life and the death, in not to fear the death of people, and deeply instructed in the scent of death.

Cendrillon exceeded the limits of how much he could polish to satisfy Marlene.

She transformed, in order to pay debt that generated with her by having received it; She had no reason to question anything.

But it was inevitable that, the first time that she kills a man, at the raw smell of iron and in front the end of one life, she ended vomited. Cendrillon was still ten years old. Still was too young when she entered into shadow’s world.

However, after six year spent each day hand in hand with death, he became completely a killing machine, a murderous shadow of what was once his humanity.

It is unusual for her to be so immersed in her emotions; Something happens to her in the head, Cendrillon mocks herself.

When this mission has ended, will be her death. When it comes to people dying remembering their past, is it also talked about if it has any meaning? They say that if you are on the verge of death you see it your life happen in front of you, is this something similar? Almost like a preparation before you die.

Whether it was a success or a failure, she was ordered to give up his own life. If this time they discover her identity, benign it´s that her objective belong to the royaly, would entail serious problems for Marlene and the others.

She had not fear to die. The stench of the corpses had become so deeply rooted in his body ... And of this stench also was impregnate Sully and Rizal. Assassins who could not remember all those who had spotted them, but with totally sure, not even counting the fingers of both hands and both feet of three different people, would be enough.

The last thing to Cendrillon remember was Marlene, breaking the silence: "Until now, you have worked hard for me."

— The man I want to be your last target is ... Prince Charles.

She felt ashamed of her reaction, how her eyebrows rose slightly to the magnitude of the situation. Marlene did not miss the movement of her eyebrows, and she continued:

— I am fully confident that you will make the mission a complete success, my lovely Cindy.

Marlene stroked her cheek with this gentle smile that once she saw in an alley in Naples.

Before he knew it, he had escaped from his brief sleep, and, looking at the direction of the road, the shadow of the castle walls gradually became larger, more imposing.

— You see.

— We almost arrive.

Sully and Rizal announced it. Maybe not the arrival at the castle, but the time of Cendrillon's death.

[freedomborn]

I wrote a little Nick and Lucas thing just for fun, directly inspired by a couple of lines from the movie ‘Moana’ (which I still haven’t seen. RIP)

Lucas and Nick have gotten into the habit of sitting by the riverbank and talking through their issues with each other, but they don’t usually get very far before they start arguing. Today, Lucas tries humor. It’s.... a little bit effective? 

“I’ve certainly forgiven you for the most part, but I’m not going to lie. There’s probably always going to be a small piece of me that says ‘fuck you’ for all that you’ve put me through.”

Like most long-time enemies, small talk between Nick and Lucas was always going to be a little bit uncomfortable. The two were seated by a riverbank deep in one of Montana’s beautiful forests, keeping an awkwardly large amount of distance between each other while Nick spoke. Lucas, during this time, couldn’t maintain eye contact for more than half a second with the younger man, and opted to watch the river instead.

Unlike most long-time enemies, though, they tried. It had been about a year since the first time they both ended up in this general location, and the interaction turned into a nasty fight that could have ended a lot worse than it did. Since then—and especially recently—both had been making a strong effort to abandon the past, talk through their problems, and hopefully find a little bit of common ground.

It wasn’t until those last couple of sentences that Lucas’ solemn expression started to change, and he glanced back at Nick with the very slight hint of a smirk.

The younger man caught the change, and raised an eyebrow curiously at his old enemy. “What? Did I say something amusing?”

“You said something incorrect, which is always amusing.” Meeting up here with Nick on Sunday afternoons was becoming too commonplace, and more than anything, Lucas just wanted to lighten the mood a little bit. This probably wasn’t the way to go about it, but considering nothing had ever worked in the past, it was time to try something new.

So far, Nick wasn’t taking it well. “Everything I’ve said to you in the past five minutes has been completely subjective and opinion-based; I didn’t present any facts that could be considered ‘incorrect’.”

So defensive. Lucas chuckled softly, picking up a stone in his hand and tossing it into the river in front of him. “Yeah, yeah, I know. You just had me at ‘fuck you’; you don’t usually slip up that much when you speak, but it’s okay. I know what you meant to say.” The blond was completely at a loss, so he continued. “I’m pretty sure what you meant to say is ‘thank you’.”

“Thank you?!”

“You’re welcome.”

“What? No; I… what??” It was probably immature to find Nick’s astounded and completely appalled state to be so funny, but… it was pretty damn funny. “Why would I…? I would never…!”

“Oh, come on. Give some credit where it’s due. You’re married and have children with a woman you never would have met if it wasn’t for the genetics lab. And who’s the one who paired you two together?”

Nick just stared at the other man for a moment, completely taken-aback by this argument. “You ordered her to spy on me and report back any suspicious activity because you thought I was a rebel.”

“Yeah. You’re welcome.”

The younger man opened his mouth to reply, but no words came to him. It seemed that his complete disgust had to be put on hold for a moment as he begrudgingly thought this over. He was glaring toward the ground now, but it wasn’t long before he muttered his half-assed answer.

“If she and I were somehow meant to be together, I’m sure we would have found each other without all of the pain. Even if not, I would’ve been none the wiser. I’d probably be married to someone else, having never met Christina, and in that circumstance I’m sure I would have fared just fine.”

“Okay, fine. But what about Logan? He’s important to you too, isn’t he?”

“Understatement,” Nick replied softly. He could tell where this was going, but he wasn’t about to deny his connection with the kid. “He’s my son; he’s the most important person in my life.”

“And who was responsible for his creation?”

“Sanders,” Nick retorted, without as much as a second thought. “Certainly not you.”

“Well unfortunately for you, that manipulative son of a bitch is dead--thanks to me; you’re welcome--so you can’t thank him. But keep in mind that none of his ideas would have been able to happen without my ability to run the place, and organize the teams, and insure that everyone had what they needed. And don’t forget who granted your request to let you take care of Logan in exchange for a little bit of extra work. That wasn’t Sanders.”

“Well yeah, but…”

“You’re welcome again.”

Nick let out a huff, getting up from where he was seated and taking a couple absent-minded steps closer to the riverside. As bad as he was at reading people, he could catch the playfulness in the other man’s voice, at least enough that he knew the insistence on a ‘thank you’ wasn’t completely sincere, but the topic required a bit of self-reflection nonetheless.

“I am happy now,” he admitted softly. “Not because of anything you’ve done, but certainly because of the people I met along the way. I’m not thankful that I was taken from my home and forced to play a role in some illegal organization for thirty years, and I don’t think anyone should expect me to be. But at the end of the day, things turned out. I never thought that they would, but they did.”

“That makes sense.” Lucas decided to stand as well, preferring to be at the same level as the other man when they talked. “And I’m glad that things are working out for you. Not saying you made the best decisions, really… at any point ever in the lab, but even so. I’m glad that you had an opportunity to start fresh.”

Nick nodded in response, the argumentativeness having all but disappeared. Now his expression could be described as little more than neutral—serious, but calm. He didn’t think much of it when he responded to Lucas’ kinder words with a ‘thank you’, until a split second after he said it. “Don’t—“

“You’re welcome!”

Dammit, he fell for it; that one was painfully obvious. Nick rolled his eyes. He wanted to retaliate, but he knew very well that Lucas got what he wanted. Nothing that the blond could say now would make Lucas and less smug about winning this one. It wasn’t even worth trying.

...So he pushed him into the river instead. Seems like an appropriate long-time mortal enemy thing to do. It would have been a sufficient form of retaliation, if Lucas wasn’t twice his size, but the scientific mastermind didn’t quite think that far.

Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20 when you and your old enemy are sitting together in a shallow riverbed, staring dumbfounded at each other.

“Really Nick? Really?”  

‘You started it’? Childish. Throw water in his face to shut him up? Even more childish. Turn Lucas’ previous game against him? Also childish, but… reasonable. Better than saying nothing at all.

Nick went to stand up in the knee-deep water, but slipped on the mossy rocks under the surface and fell back down. Of course, Lucas was very quick to laugh at him for it. But he also didn’t look like he was going to try and get up himself any time soon.

The blond steadied himself and tried again, this time successful, and gradually waded back toward the shore.

“You provoked me to do it,” he chastised, glancing behind him as he pulled himself out. “But I was being more responsible than you think. I threw you into shallow water where the current isn’t strong. Unlike last year when you almost murdered me further downstream.”

“You had to bring that up?” Lucas eventually stood up too, taking a bit more care with it so he wouldn’t make a fool of himself like Nick did. But he was a bit more balanced anyway, so it wasn’t that hard to get up and climb back out. “That was an accident.”

“I think what you’re trying to say,” Nick replied smugly, shaking water out of his hair as he spoke, “is ‘thank you’.”

This is what their arguments boiled down to nowadays: this petty, childish nonsense. Lucas only snorted, punching the other man in the shoulder as he passed by.

“Oh yes, thank you so much for not having the motive of drowning me. Let’s not get into that all over again. I think we should probably head back to town before it gets dark… and while we’re on at least a semi-good note. And before you end up in the river a second time. I’d rather leave here jokingly insulting you than yelling at you.”

“Agreed.”

“For the record,” Lucas added, “I was completely kidding about all of that. I know I was an absolute piece of shit to you in the lab. I don’t think either of us owe each other anything at this point.”

“Yeah, I know. Lightening the mood and everything, I get that.”

As they conversed, the two started to make their way back, following the trail through the forest and back toward home. Lucas led the way, since the path was fairly narrow, and Nick didn’t object to following a few feet behind him.

“Oh, and another thing…” Lucas glanced behind him for a moment, meeting Nick’s eyes, before turning back around and focusing on the path in front of him again. It sounded serious, so the younger man chose to keep quiet this time and listen. “Just… for the record, again; I feel like I should tell you. So that you’re aware, you know? In case you aren’t.”

“Go on.”

Lucas nodded. Thankfully Nick couldn’t see from their positions that he was grinning. “Yeah, okay. I just wanted to say… you look really fucking stupid when your hair is wet. Like… seriously, it would do you a tremendous amount of good to get a haircut.”

“Hah…” Nick found himself grinning. He wasn’t going to start this again. Besides, there was something about Lucas’ joking insults that was almost comfortable. Like their relationship was changing for the better, but not too much. “Fuck you too.”

“You’re welcome. I’m keeping you from looking like an idiot in public.” As if they weren’t both soaking wet and covered in mud. But whatever; it was the thought that counted. Kind of. 

Of course, like most long-time enemies, things were bound to take some time. The pair had their moments where it felt like nothing would ever improve, and moments when they did genuinely feel like they hated each other again, but things were getting better. They talked, and they listened; they did what they could to put the past behind them. And as of today, the awkwardly large gap that they usually kept between them when walking together was just a little bit narrower.

[sadisticsmiles]

Beyond a Thief’s Power Episode 8

The Savior of the Night—an Intellectual Beauty from Faraway

Shortly after saving the guys from being blown away by the gusts of wind Sayuri used her wings to manifest, Rina's body began to slip off the cliff slowly. Within seconds, she fell unconsciously toward the sea. Takuto, Hiro, Riki, and Kenshi's eyes' widened when they witnessed Rina's body gradually make its drop.

"Rina!" Takuto shouted with the most tremors and vibrations stirring at his heart like a colossal storm and earthquake rumbling and traveling their way there with tremendous pelts. He felt as though it were the end of the world, seeing the love of his life go to her [possible] death in the treacherous waters which pounded with great force near what appeared to be the bottom of the mountain. With all his might, Takuto sought out the courage to confront his darkest fear and setting himself on utilizing what he could to meet it, narrowing his eyes sharply, clenching his fists. At that second, he decided he was going to fight everything in his way for Rina, and bolted right towards the edge of the cliff as fast as he could.

Hiro's heart stopped at seeing Takuto make a dash for Rina. "Takkun!"

"No!" Riki yelled, devastated just like Hiro was when Takuto was running at a fast pace. "Takuto!"

Kenshi understood within an instant as he watched Takuto go to save Rina, and his shocked expression converted itself into a form of acknowledgement for his friend, allowing his smile to show for the former. "Don't try to stop him now, Riki. Takuto's resolve has been put in stone and we can't change that from happening. He's risking everything for the woman he loves."

Although Riki was hesitant with anxiety and concern for Takuto, he knew what Kenshi said was true. "But…"

Takuto… Riki thought, still fearing for the light blond on their team of thieves. He felt as though the waves were slamming at his chest, but he had to hope for the murky, cloudy sky to dissipate before he could see the brighter side of all that was occurring with the rest of the Black Foxes.

Hiro's unrest was also displaying as he observed the scene with Kenshi and Riki. "…"

Rina… Takkun… he trailed off in the depths of his mind. Be safe.

Soon enough, Takuto jumped off the cliff, making his way down to where Rina was heading. She was a few feet ahead of him, but in a matter of seconds, he was able to catch up to her and put his arms around her body. It was a little after then that they hit the water with a loud splash; Rina was still in Takuto's embrace while they were underwater, but something happened shortly afterward, causing Takuto's eyes to widen.

Suddenly, the water they were in began to glow with a gorgeous blue-green light emanating from deep down the floor, spreading upward. Rina's body took in some of the enhancing light, and she opened her eyes. She saw Takuto in front of her and was staring at him with a mysterious expression on her face as if she were wondering why he was with her—holding her. Takuto, on the other hand, was gazing at Rina with astonishment, and the two of them were looking into each other's eyes. It was a few seconds later that Takuto realized something.

?! The notion came to him like he was being washed away by a tsunami. I'm breathing… underwater?! I wasn't even able to do that before, so why now?

Takuto blinked. He took note of the everlasting glow that surrounded him and Rina, and knew his eased breathing was due to the tranquil sensation within the water's renewed body. A soft smile appeared on his face as he glanced up in awe and admiration. However, his amazement only lasted for a few seconds.

"Takuto?" Rina called out. They were still underneath the surface of the water, but she made it seem facile when she spoke. "Can you stop staring at the water for a second and pull us up to the top already? We've been down here for a few minutes, but I would appreciate it if we went up so we can regroup with everyone before Boss gets worried."

Takuto snapped back to his senses and looked at Rina. "Oh. Right." He started to move his legs and found himself swimming up without any trouble. He came to another understanding as the two of them were nearing the surface.

I can swim now? He questioned himself. How is this possible? Don't tell me the shift in the water's color and sensation have something to do with my new abilities? If so, what exactly made this happen? I've never been able to swim very well, and like everyone else who's human, I wasn't able to breathe underwater. I could hold my breath before Rina and I went into the water, but now… I can do both—swim and breathe in it.

Soon, Rina and Takuto were above the water and they saw something different about the area they were in. It took Takuto by surprise, while Rina remained neutral.

"The whole place has changed?!" Takuto proclaimed. Taken in by the environment around him and Rina, he couldn't help but express his emotions. "There's greenery and the mountain's gone? What's going on here?"

Rina let out an exhale through her sealed off mouth right before she responded. "We should probably take a look at where we are. I believe our surroundings were altered when that light appeared."

Takuto gulped and nodded, taking heed of Rina's advice. "Yeah. It's really bothering me, but as long as I still have you with me, I'll be able to hang in there."

They were floating in a spring, which was like a large pond with the same blue-green water that had transformed the ocean into what it currently was. It didn't have a waterfall or anything else neighboring a small section of the liquid. It seemed they were also in a forest from the amount of trees that were close by. Nonetheless, the scenery was beautiful and breathtaking. At the same time, Riki and the others were running, trying to find the two of them.

"Damn it all!" Riki grit his teeth as he, Kenshi, and Hiro traveled further into the woods. "What's going on with this place? First, a blue-green colored light shone from where Takuto and Rina decked down to the ocean, and the next thing we know is that the mountain started to lower itself like a lever was pulled in some of those RPG PC games that Kenshi's downloaded at home. Then, the whole place was full of trees, precisely like the forest that was at the bottom—which, as we all took in our minds, is the foot of the region! How exactly was the mountain able to modify itself and sprout those plants (some of the trees that substituted the place of the mountain's area) from where we were in a matter of seconds, anyway?! All of this doesn't make any sense, so why do we have to go through a problem that involves getting into peculiar situations? It'd be easier if we had found those two by now."

"Hey!" Kenshi shouted a bit angrily while running along with Riki and Hiro to search for the ex-couple. "I'll have you know that Mutilation Party is one of the classics from the past decade or so; it's not like you can understand my passion for them, Riki, so don't lump my favorite games out, even if they are RPG games for the computer which a number of the best ones are downloadable from the 'net, of course."

Riki narrowed his eyes with some displeasure presenting itself with a single look. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Kenshi. No one really cares, but that's one of the reasons why you don't have a girlfriend, fiancée, or wife—and you're stuck with liking Sayuri for eternity, anyway." A sigh came out of his mouth before he continued his 'older brother' talk. "Geez, look at what you've done with your life. You refused to go for an ordinary girl who's human and didn't try to make a first move to go up and speak with any one of them when everyone was a bit younger a few years ago, and now that you've laid your eyes on a Magician of Fate, you've ruined any hope of loving a mortal girl and romancing her for the rest of who-knows-how-long you'll live, not to mention dating her for some time before getting married. Kenshi, what the heck is wrong with you?"

"It's not like I can help it, okay?" Kenshi said back. Then, he grumbled a little. "I just… felt a sense of responsibility for everything else before putting my own desires first. You know how I am. I want to help other people out rather than letting my desires drive the decisions in my life." A frown appeared afterwards. "That's the way I roll each day when I'm not busy with anything."

Hiro had his eyes closed with an uncomfortable smile on his face to which he was sweat-dropping. "Ahaha… Kenny, I don't think you should say the word 'roll' just because you're a firefighter by day. That sounds so wrong, and it makes you seem uncool. Well, not that you aren't, but maybe you could try keeping how you phrase things in moderation. Please?"

"What?" Kenshi's eyes popped open. "But I thought it was something anyone could say without having any flaws in their diction!" He frowned, lowering his head in depression. "Can't I even have some closure every once in a while? I know I'm not as great as Riki or Takuto, but hey, I've got to have something that makes me awesome, right?"

"…" Hiro didn't quite know what to respond with. Kenshi's last sentence as it was too weird to handle, so he only blinked. An idea soon came to his mind while he thought back to Riki's earlier complaints. His expression brightened and he answered. "But we might be able to find Rina and Takkun soon because of the mountain's elevation." Hiro paused and directed his next words to Riki. "However, Leader, I believe there was something that caused it. Perhaps it was the light we saw. Still, we'd better get to the end of this forest soon. I'm worried as much as you and Kenny are about those two."

Riki nodded sharply. "You're right. Who knows what could have happened to them. I'm only hoping we haven't lost them for good. They're too young to die now, Rina especially. She's the same age as you, Hiro. There's no way we'd ever be able to replace anyone on our team, and you're just as important as they are."

Hiro felt as though a small, thick, wooden stick had hit a bell in place of his heart when he heard Riki's words. Without a doubt, he was saddened by them. "Riki…"

At that point, their sprint came to a stop.

Riki's eyes lowered. "Of course… I'd be lying if I said you guys weren't precious to me." The leader of the Black Foxes steadily looked at the field of trees around the three of them. "We've all been together for a long time, but Rina and Mitsuki… They've known us for several years by now, but that doesn't mean they're not part of our team."

Hiro nodded with a smile, but it didn't give off any over-the-top enthusiasm. "Yeah. No matter what happens, they're still our comrades and associates. There's no way we could ever be the Black Foxes without them in our lives. It has to be the seven of us, or I won't think about going on another mission again."

Riki placed his hands on his coxals with a solemn expression showing on his face as he gave Hiro a look. "Hiro, did I hear you properly? You, promising to never go on another mission if all of us couldn't be together anymore? Are you out of your mind? Do you honestly believe they would want you to do something that endangers our code of conduct? Even if we were to lose them in the future, there is only one solution to keep our oaths as the Black Foxes, and that is to keep doing our parts as the noble thieves we're supposed to be. I don't want to say this, but I'll have to. If by any chance Mitsuki and/or Rina were to perish from existence, there's definitely no other method we could utilize to disband our group once and for all." Then, Riki gave his condolences to the youngest member on the team. "Sorry, Hiro, but I'm not going to leave the Black Foxes no matter what happens. I can't let those two down. I'm sure, in a way, you, Takuto, Kenshi, and even Boss, feel the same." He turned around, facing forward once more as the leader of the well-known band of thieves in all of Ginza and the rest of the world. "That's why… I won't turn back and reflect on any kind of despair all of us experience only to grieve over them. I know I'm a fool for saying this, but I'm going to keep moving forward because everything we've done so far has always contributed to a precious memory for the entire group. I don't want anyone to see me looking all depressed and hurt over something that's likely to happen to us, so I'm going to carry on our great-grandfathers' will. I may be stubborn and hard-headed, but that's what makes me who I am. Right?"

Realizing the meaning within Riki's words, Hiro's eyes widened with a sudden enthralled respect for the man who was six years his senior. "Riki…"

A smile formed on Riki's face. However, he did not look back as he said he wouldn't. "Ready to save the night?"

Kenshi nodded immediately after hearing the preparation Riki had. "Let's go. To reach Takuto and Rina, and bring them back home with us."

Hiro also nodded with a similar smile. "Yeah."

The three of them resumed their search for the ex-couple and kept running throughout the front path. Back to said two, they were still floating in the water, having taken in the location they were in. To Takuto, it was something to behold—a sight he could not rid himself of. In fact, he barely grasped what had happened to him and Rina, and was pondering on the subject.

That light we saw, he thought. What exactly was it?

He glanced at Rina and noticed something.

Rina's fine now, he continued, but she wasn't before we hit the water. Something's definitely related to this. But… what? What exactly was that light? I was able to gain a couple of new abilities thanks to it, but then when we came up, everything around us had changed. I hate to admit it, but the water was very… Takuto's eyes lowered with a touching emotion spurring within them. …warm, as if something had embraced me from the outside and enveloped my entire body from within.

"The water was pure and clear, wasn't it?" Rina spoke without giving Takuto a glimpse from her gaze with a straight posture of her body. "It was also beautiful, like Neon's portal up close. Yet, there was something different about it."

Takuto looked at Rina and blinked. "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

Rina allowed her head to (very) slightly drop, and she was staring at the water with an intense gaze. "When you and I fell in, our plunger caused the light to initiate itself, penetrating throughout the body of water that surrounded our bodies. If you recall the warmth from the light, it was as though someone's feelings poured into the water, spreading further around us. It was like I was at home—my real home again, and it was filled with nostalgia from the time I spent there, along with…" Her eyes sank a small fraction, but she resumed the rest of her words. "…Sayuri."

Hearing the Magician of Fate's name, Takuto's eyes widened a bit. "…?"

Rina's eyes narrowed affectionately in a platonic manner. "I'm sure… Sayuri had something to do with this. Try not to blame her if you can, Takuto. She's not the type of woman you may think she is. Rather, she's different like any other magician. You probably don't believe me, but what I'm telling you is the truth." Rina then closed her eyes. "Sayuri is much more resolute at this age, but deep down—"

Before Rina could finish her sentence, a figure swooped down and took hold of her and Takuto, pulling them out of the water in a swift motion. The figure, along with the two blond Black Fox members, landed on the ground in front of the spring pond, but were instead facing the forest's trees that lead there. And it was at that very second that Riki and the others finally stopped in their tracks once more after finally finding the rest of their team members safe and sound. Their eyes widened, but Riki was the most astonished one by the sight of the person who had 'rescued' the two soaking members.

"Mitsuki…?" Riki managed to utter as he stared at the female figure. "Is that really you?"

It was then uncovered who the beautiful woman was. She had long, dark purple hair that extended down to where her lumbars were. She also had deep magenta eyes and was quite beautiful and pretty, but had a shorter stature than Rina by a few centimeters, resulting in her being more of a loli out of the two females in the team. She had a bright smile adorning her visage as she looked back at the group of three in front of her. "It's been quite a short amount of time since I last saw you all, but here I am, ready as ever before. Rest assured, I really am back in Japan as of tonight. That alone should answer your inquiries, Riki." The woman closed her eyes and kept on smiling radiantly at the surprised leader of the Black Foxes.

Rina blinked as she stood on Mitsuki's right side after arriving safely on her feet with Takuto, who was on the dark purple-haired beauty's left.

"Mitsuki-san…?" she inquired.

"Mitsuki…" Takuto was amazed by her appearance. Like the other four members who had gone on the second mission in search of the orbs, he was surprised to see Mitsuki again.

  XXX

  ~End of Part I~