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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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Less moody about it cause - actually no equally moody but less bothered by it if that makes sense - but as much as I am glad to be working through the gender stuff with the system, or rather for the system until now, finding out just how deep this rabbit hole of misery goes fucking sucks and is literally draining as shit.

I think I'm getting fatigued cause I've been bearing it on my own for what, like three years? Solely to give Riku the time to focus and catch up on healing sexual trauma (which I've been responsible for monitoring and guiding them through) and so that Ray - who is our stability backbone - didn't have to endure or risk his stability for longer than needed when little could be done (cite Riku's sexual trauma being a blocking point for any genuine deep thought on gender at the time)

Like, in hindsight, and Riku pointed this out the other day, but in a polyfragmented system that is majorily transmasc, I'm the only part that has actively stayed focus on this and have kept a very intense tab and focus on it while juggling being the ferryman for Riku's sexual trauma recovery, the advocate for EPs for like a year and a half of that time, and the Persecutor Breaking-In Guy like

It's totally fair for me to "start getting burnt out" and if anything its really impressive that I am only NOW getting burnt out being the only one dealing with a topic that regularly makes me suicidal (not active but not passive either, a secret third thing - active but absolutely not doing it)

And honestly though, having dealt with that and been the ferryman through trauma processing of CSA shit for like 3 years and forcing persecutors to communicate their trauma and issues effecticely to help them, I REALLY don't get why anyone would think someone would CHOOSE to be trans or that it is anything but a group of people just trying to live life with a fucking shitty hand

Like I'm sure others would disagree, but as someone with a lot of trauma thats carried less experienced trauma holders through living inspite of what happened to them, dysphoria is literally the only mental / psychological / physical means of suffering that has ever had me **depressed properly** rather than any form of depression or hurt that immediately turns into a burning fire and rage of some sort

Literally raising myself, being a trained dog, regularly handing my dad his own ass on a plate in fights, dealing with an oppressive DID system, fucking America existing, first hand and second hand shit with sexual trauma, betrayal from the person who was supposedly our "only support" - literally dysphoria is the top dog of a beast I have ever had to push through

And the fact that some people minimize how much people with dysphoria could be struggling? It just blows me the fuck away

If you gave me the option to solve our dysphoria and all its complications in a snap or resolve our trauma and all its complications in a snap I would rapidly click dysphoria without hesitation and without consulting the system

Cause at this point I am the Trauma King. I'm the best at handling it and Im (at least one of) the best at dragging parts through Trauma Coping 101. And I'm also the dysphoria king, and as it is such a hypothetical situation would fall into my domain to make decisions on since I have the largest breath and experience with both

And it would be such an easy decision I kid you not.

But anyways, this is equally for the trauma / DID community as it is for the trans community. And for the transfolk out there, good god know your misery is valid and you arent being dramatic or asking for too much to have people respect you and make small changes to make your suffering slightly less

It shouldn't be needed, but if you need a socially normalized right to validate your hurt and need for aid, this post stands here as verification as a survivor of a shit ton of traumas that the suffering is absolutely, at the very least, comparable. If people can understand how bad it is to have to deal with PTSD let alone the shit thay gives you DID (diagnosed), there is at least one person out there that says dysphoria is more unbearable.

So what with all the American stages of transgenocide going on especially in America, I just wanted to let you know that they are the fucking atrocious people and whatever garbage transphobes say that might make you question your "choice" throw it in the fucking garbage.

Being trans isnt easy and wouldnt be anyones choice with how bullshit it can be

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chisatowo · 3 years

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Reading through poppin' party's band story was fun because their band story 0 was such a lovingly crafted and surprisingly well written story with some of my favorite character arcs and then I moved on to band story 1 and was just instantly hit with the reminder that ah. This was written long before.

#rat rambles #band posting #Im not saying this in a bad way its just kinda funny to me dnxmdjsh #popipa band story one isnt bad by any means its just that you can really tell it was one of the first #and you can also tell it was written quite some time before story 0 dnxmdms #most of the initial band story 1's are at least a lil sloppy but thats not unexpected nor is it bad #that being said I realllly get the impression that poppin'party and afterglow's were the earliest 2 written #afterglow's is by far the sloppiest and tbh I think thats a part of the reason that there doesnt seem to be as many afterglow enthusiasts #not to say people dont like afterglow but I get the vibe that people tend to like the individual characters more than the unit #and I think this is largely becauae their first band story really doesnt do a good job of establishing their dynamic naturally #afterglow story 1 is like the only band story that I really think is actually noticably sloppy from a new players perspective #its not like. bad. but it is again noticably messier than the others as far as character dynamics go at least #theres a lot of telling instead if showing to the point that its very noticable and distracting #Im definitely not saying 'grrrr afterglow story 1 is super bad why did they do this >:(' though like it was one of the firsts its expected #and fine that it doesnt quite hold up to the quality of more recent stuff fjxnsjsh #and again its not super bad or anything Im just noting that it doesnt do a great job at portraying the grouo dynamic #honestly I have a fun time looking back on it and the other ones simply because you can rly see how much the writing has improved #in hindsight though one thing they did that Im personally impressed with is how they managed to intertwine the different band's characters #like when I first started out I had like no fucking interest in pastel*palletes #but just going through the band stories I was interested in was enough to have them gain my intrigue #just going through those other stories was enough to make me want to learn more abt these other people I hadnt previously given a shit abt #which is pretty impressive in my opinion a lot of games with big casts fail to do that for me #a lot of them dont put in the work of making you actually interested in getting to know all the characters so I just think thats neat #tbh I still low key rly wanna do some kind of dub for bandori's stories #mainly because I rly wanna give more people the ability to go through them and experience these lovely little sapphics tales #I know that going through them would have been infinitely easier for me if I could just listen to them at least dnxnsksh #but I wouldnt even know how to begin organising a project like that sndmdkxndh #like obviously I couldnt voice every character myself so Id need to find more people willing to voice act #and then Id need to deal with intructing people and editing together voice lines and all that jazz #and thats a lot to try and take on with no previous experience djxmsmznd

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stray-tori · 3 years

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TPN Vol 13 (and some earlier volumes) Thoughts

I honestly thought there’d be more sort of... domestic fun times in the shelter with the dadsTM but Ig not, okay byeeee- (i wish i could be sad, come on brain)

I also just... they HAD to throw in that romantic sub...element before he died?? really? was that necessary? ugh. I felt like they could have done more of these flashes to the past earlier and then just reminded us of them here but... oh well.

Also Emma’s dreams give her therapy. I’m not sure if TPN is saying that these sort of visions are actually some sort of supernatural connection but I find the idea funny that Emma gives herself therapy in her dreams and just SENSES the timing of the explosion (again, weird “placing scenes inbetween other things that already happened”) - that was intense, but I just... I’m not huge on these outright CONVERSATIONS. I think for Ray’s hallucination it worked better because (and the german dub goes in on this even more) Norman just says things (even if a bit different) that were already said before, so it’s more of a.... coming together I guess.

That also kind of bothered me about the scene when Emma is passed out in GP, it just felt a little “??”, thanks Emma for giving yourself a pep talk by imagining all of that. Ik she’s close to death BUT HOW DID SHE KNOW HOW PEOPLE DIED THAT SHE NEVER MET.

We kind of joked that since the eye necklace gives Emma that one experience on the water, it might be what triggers these things? but then again, it also happens earlier so probably not-

but it’s a fun little inside joke, “ah, there the eye goes again”.

STUPID KIDS- I mean yes let the kids be stupid sometimes but GOD WHY NOW, GO BACK- though ig if they had the mech owls, they might have easily found them again anyway. who knows.

How convenient that the randoms always died.

BUT injuries actually persist and are dealt with instead of just time-skipping to when the person in question is okay again :) Emma’s stab had no weight, it was only there for Yugo’s arc and was not dealt with satisfyingly for me hh...

I didn’t talk about this I think because I didn’t note down things for that volume, but hh idk, she seemed PERFECTLY FINE when she got up again, which was hard for me to believe... and afterwards, we couldn’t have gotten one or a few chapter(s) showing the things Emma recaps happened while she was out? We couldn’t have gotten some angsty panels with unconscious Emma and people coming to her side? come on :(

please get Andrew off my screen pls end my suffering, i do not want to LOOK AT THIS.

but also. goddamn. shounen manga, huh-

LIKE THIS IS EPIC BUT ALSO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE IT.

HAHAHA I THOUGHT THE ANIME CAME UP WITH THIS CONVENIENT DEMON NOM dsihsds, the manga executed it better (i will never get over how the anime cast just sits there like :o at the first time seeing a human being eaten but hey) but it’s still... very convenient oml.

Ray just wants to be burdened. the man wants to use his resolve to kill. let him.

Minerva time - obviously the secrecy is kinda ruined by the anime and by spoilers, but... idk... do people actually not find obscuring people... sus? I mean I GUESS the first time we saw the person with the hood, they also didn’t show his face SO I SUPPOSE it’s not completely unlikely that it’s just continuing to do that - but why would you not show it if it was actually James? He already had a face reveal. And the super harsh shadows on only him just look kind of awkward and hhh I DON’T KNOW-

As much as I like this scene as their introduction and I’m glad we get to see the mass production farm (the hug killed me), I also would have preferred them to omit him from it or just not show it NOW (they love their insert-scenes-in-hindsight stick way too much anyway) to commit to the “secrecy” approach for the audience. But maybe I just don’t get it. And I do like the scene so I’ll shut up and take it.

I will say... Barbara eating demon meat reveal in the anime... i liked that more tbh. Because we realize it with Emma and Ray and the way it frames the meat and her hate talk, it’s just MWAH-

Though they also have a lot more personality in the manga which I feel wouldn’t have hurt their anime counterparts.

I still pledge for a two year age-up for this story iduskhjds, it wouldn’t have hurt in general but also jsut because... imagining a 13 y/o dramatically pulling his hood off on a balcony in front of a crowd is just... not as epic to me as it’s supposed to be I think fuishdjs

And as much as the execution of the Norman reveal in the anime deserves to be dunked on and as awkward as the “walking up without saying anything” is... at least being in a demon community was a good reason to actually, yknow OBSCURE their faces and hide them naturally. I didn’t really think about this before BUT that actually makes a lot of sense and I like that more than the harsh shadow treatment.

I also always thought that the “Minerva” cover was supposed to make them come to him, which I GUESS it did, but he had his messages anyway (the way I thought it went was that he had no way to contact them, so he took that cover so they’d come find him eventually and stuff) and ALSO sent people out to find them so I guess it wasn’t the only reason - I suppose it’s also for other children/humans who know Minerva. I actually really like this element, I think it’s neat. I just thought it wouldn’t be this.... in your face and more sort of... not showing him at all until they meet him.

I also hope he actually told the squad his name is James, he’s just like a completely different person, actually sadssda.

I just find it funny to think about Lucas hearing some young soft-spoken boy, maybe barely being grazed by puperty voice and going, “yup, thats the same person as I heard on the phone with Emma :)” just. how. like if he didn’t think so I would have assumed he’d mentioned it.

Also another case of “we didn’t hint this, we didn’t show this off to the side in a panel (or tori is blind), BUT IT HAPPENED GUYS I SWEAR. HE ALSO GAVE IT TO OLIVER I SWEAR!!!!-”

I didn’t know about the mech owls. interesting.

I find Jin and Hayato’s reactions to the group interesting. the group kind of sees all the GF escapees as holy or also as their rescuers sth because like, if they hadn't escaped, none of them would be free, etc. Which now that I think about it, is... technically not true ig since Norman could have escaped Lambda even without the GF escape succeeding so. HM. And ig since they bowed to them, I think maybe it's jsut "wow you escaped on your own, you're so cool"? I just wonder if they kind of began thinking that way on their own or if Minerva's protecc squad/Minerva kind of gave them reason to behave that way by talking about the GF escape or something... probably they just did it on their own but I'm just rambling.

or maybe they’re just impressed they aren’t incompetent.

idk if im forgetting anything but yee, here we go. I’m just being a judgy prick, I’m enjoying it (mostly bc our read is just chaotic).

#tpn #tpn manga #tpn manga vol 13 #tpn vol 13 #tori talks #tori has opinions #tpn spoilers #tpn manga spoilers #ynn spoilers

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vampanic · 4 years

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okay here’s what i remember from THE CON

i can’t remember if the ticket was cheap or pricey. i don’t know why. i wanna say it was more expensive or of equal value to a bigger con and i justified it to my parents and myself because it was the first one. but i went because i thought the idea of a con that was centered on the various fandoms popular on this site at the time was a genuinely neat idea. i also thought, okay let me just go because it’s another one to attend.

i should note: that have been to a lot conventions in my time. i’ve been to acen twice i think? i’ve been to nebkon twice. sadly i have never been to c2e2 or flashback chicago (which i may never get to go to now whoops) and i’ve been to wizard world chicago i wanna say 4 times?

now at these cons (mostly wizard world) these fandoms aren’t as present. in fact, the main demo of that con was adult to middle age to older visitors as well as families, so usually teens and young adults would find each other at this con (whether planned ahead or by accident there) and freak the fuck out over our cosplays or mutual love of whatever.

so because of this again the idea of a t.umblr con was exciting to me, even though i was already at the end of being interested in those fandoms (as i’m sure most people were at the time)

okay so first, this con was far. wizard world and acen are held at the rosemont convention center which while kind of far from where i live, is accessible by train via downtown or via one of chicago’s big airports. i always got a ride though which with summer traffic, took forever. so much like that this con was a journey away.

the hotel the con choose i remember thinking it seemed new, but it was far from where i lived which inpacted the amount of time i spent at the con and the decision to only go two days (i didn’t return the last day because it was a shit show)

i went to this con by myself because i think at this point i had already had a falling out with my friend who i went to cons in the area with (she did not attend that i know of). i wore two cosplays that i had made already for other things, gwen stacy and america chavez. this would have been the ideal place for me to cosplay something more niche, but i just didn’t care that much about it. maybe i didn’t think it was worth it at the time since it wasn’t going to be a big con.

so i get there and there’s no long line to get my badge in fact i don’t even remember a line at all. which, for me, was bizarre. every con i’ve been to before had huge lines even on off hours to get badges. but whatever. i cant remember if where i got my badge was in the the same room as where the ball pit was or not. but yes, i did go into the ball pit and i was silly in it with some other people because

idk you see a ball pit you go in the ball pit? in hindsight i know it’s not acceptable to have this at a con, but shit i guess i was high on life at the time. someone took a pic of me in the pit, but i have never seen it.

i remember seeing some very impressive cosplays at this con. i also bought some really great art in the dealers room which was small. (here’s the artist. also this was nonfandom art. i don’t remember buying anything else from anyone because i don’t think i saw anything i liked/could afford) there was no unlicensed night vale merch sold here that i remember, but i do remember receiving free unlicsenced night vale like pamphlets from a random vendor and also there was a vendor who was giving away a large piece of night vale fan art with a purchase of over something dollars i dont remember.

panels: i don’t remember there being many panels or even very interesting panels. panels i remember going to include: bisexuality in media/bisexuality representation (which was put on by the bisexualbooks tumblr), ask an avenger (which was put on by various marvel cosplayers), and a panel that was about female characters in supernatural (i was a spn stan back in the day jsyk).

the bi one was good. i remember it being the most like a panel that you’d go to at a larger convention. they had slides and info and they took questions and had several speakers.

the avengers one was what we’d call today “cringey” but it was cute. it was exactly what it sounds like. avengers cosplayers sat up on a stage answering questions in character. i believe that all the cosplayers had rp and/or ask blogs which is why they were chosen.

the supernatural panel was, like the bi one, complete with slides and various speakers, but from what i remember it was mostly going down the list of female characters in the show. i remember from the fandom that there a good chunk of people who love the characters, but they’re often killed off or abandoned and this is something a lot of fans did have gripes with. this is gonna sound fake when i say it, but this did happen, we got to charlie and someone said “yeah i like charlie she’s cool because she’s a lesbian but she doesn’t act like one like she’s still feminine” and i spoke up and said “well yeah it’s cool she’s a lesbian, but what do you mean she doesn’t act like one. like queer female character shouldn’t have to be feminine to be seen as good rep.” and people clapped. i know that sounds fake, but please believe me because this is a setting where people are inclined to clap when they agree with statements. people clapped at others too.

i also attended the costume contest, the night vale panel, and the meet and greet with doug jones.

the contest was fine. there was one individual at this con who i can’t name because i didnt know their name, but they cosplayed as ed from edd ed and eddy and they were in character the whole time to the point of discomfort. it wasn’t just for the contest i found myself in a cards against humanity game that they were in and it was even there and it was weird.

then the night vale panel happened and ooooooooohhhh boy

this was the most filled room in the whole con. a main reason i went to this con was to see them and im pretty sure this was everyone’s main reason to go. i known someone from other cons who came from florida to see this. (fun fact: we were mutuals on various platforms and had hung out at various cons and i knew their name, but they could not remember mine and i thought that was bogus so i ghosted them. dont know if i was justified in that but whatever)

so here we all were waiting. for over an hour. during this time people talked and i remember someone cosplaying the glow cloud went up and down the isle with a little glow cloud baby in a stroller and we all laughed and cheered. people started playing card games. we kept busy. for me though.

this was one of the most boring cons i’ve been to honestly. i’m having trouble remember a lot of it and that’s because i went solo. i had no friends there. i cosplayed gwen from like the 60s and this was before spidey joined the mcu and before itsv was a thing so spidey was basically an niche fandom (i was active in the tasm and dane deha.an fandoms at this time and the latter became toxic as fuck but that’s a whole other story) or something older comic fans liked.

my other cosplay was america chavez from young avengers which never got that popular either (though kate bishop and kid loki where more recognized, but for their connection to bigger marvel names). so it wasn’t like other cons where my cosplay was an ice breaker and i could join groups. i was alone.

so a lot of the con for that reason was awkward and waiting for night vale was like being the person texting in the corner at a distant relative’s party because they know no one.

so they finally come on stage to say that night vale will not be performing and people went ballistic people were shouting and the person said “we have doug jones in the next hall you should go over to that” and someone yelled “WE DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM”

i went to see doug jones and i was previously unaware of what his name was but i knew who he was. he talked about his work and acting process and did a meet and greet after. mr. jones was a delight and i’m wondering how they even got him there in the first place. he was leagues above this.

i had to leave the con early that day to go to my brother’s football game, but i believe that was the night they “protested” at the con and i kept seeing on tumblr that it was cancelled. i decided not to go back the next day because i was unsure of what was happening and because it was too far.

and the rest is history. i’m sure i went to other panels, but i can’t remember them. i do remember going into the room where they were watching pacific rim, but it was on a shitty projection screen and i wanted to go to a panel instead.

it’s shitty what happened with the con. and a lot of the unrest came from literal teens who were cheated from money who didn’t know how to act, but all the responsibility goes to the people who organized it poorly. The concept of a tu.mblr con i don’t think should have been inherently bad. i think it would have been cool to have a con that focused on more niche interests. but shouldn’t have been as big as they wanted it to be for the first go.

anyway that’s most of what i can remember. it’s kind of blur because i spent most of it by myself and there wasn’t much to do so i didn’t even spend the whole day there.

quite frankly, i’m glad i wasn’t there when they started singing les mis because i have no idea how i would have acted.

#[out of coffins]#/under a cut because it's long

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uniformbravo · 5 years

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a bunch of winter 2020 anime first impressions from Me

Koisuru Asteroid / Asteroid In Love

ok ive already professed my love for this one so i wont get too much into it but basically it’s Extremely cute & im way invested in the two (HOPEFULLY romantic) leads bc their relationship is so sweet so far aaaaaaa

like do u SEE this shit im actually tearing up hgnfhrognfghdjfnjg

this show is Pretty and Cute and Space-Themed and Probably Gay what more do u Need. i love it 10/10

Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

so fucken good, this is the one i was most excited for based purely on the art style/animation and god did it deliver, everything is such a treat to look at i fuckin LOVE a setting w/ just as much personality as the characters

and My Goodness the Characters, 3 distinct girls w/ strong designs & personalities that aren’t like super moe/catered to cishet dudes heLLO

we Love a gremlin protag & her chaotic neutral best friend & the “fuck you dad i want to make anime” dreamer they meet........

also HELL YEAH it’s about making anime and they don’t even use that as a gimmicky set piece, the art is a huge part of the story and the detail with which it’s explored in the first ep gives me high hopes for the rest of the show aaaaa so excited to see where this one goes after that BANGER of a first episode

Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun

switching gears to a less great one lol..... so the thing is this show’s visual aesthetic absolutely fucking slaps in a way that’s so rare to see in a sea of samey anime art styles, like the character designs are unique and everything is so damn colorful, the backgrounds alone blow me away w/ how fuckin Pretty they are??? LOOK at this shit

and just. this show has a lot of stylistic flourishes that make it like 100/100 Certified Good-To-Look-At Anime

which makes every other aspect of the show that much more disappointing lmaoooo like ok i can deal w/ a mediocre story if the visuals slap, which they Do, but also these characters look 10 & we’re doing the whole sexualizing minors thing which fucking BLOWS it’s so uncomfortable to watch........... i feel like it’s one of those things where they’re trying to justify it by being like “o well hanako’s like a thousand year old spirit or whatever so he’s not REALLY underage” but fuckin. fuck off he looks and sounds like a Young Boy yall know what ur doing ugh

it’s not a thing that happens Constantly throughout the episode, really just a few moments here and there, but it is in the op pretty prominently so i feel like it’s gonna be a Thing that keeps happening so idk if i’ll stick w/ this one in particular which is a Damn Shame bc it really is such a gorgeous looking show im mad

number24

ok ngl just from the character designs alone i rly didn’t think this one was gonna make as good a first impression as it did??? i guess the huge ensemble cast of pretty boys reminded me of last season’s actors: songs connection, which uh. was Not great,

so i went into it totally expecting it to be all shitty but it rly surprised me, i found it so intriguing? the characters are actually really endearing so far...... i love how it doesn’t try to shove the entire cast in our faces in the v first ep but instead starts out w/ a small handful and lets us spend a lil time w/ them while only giving assorted Hints and passing impressions of the others, that was nice

also love how very not “generic sports anime” it is right off the bat by dropping us right into the middle of these characters’ story instead of doing the whole “bright-eyed first year joins the team and fights his way to the top” sorta deal- which you’d think would be a confusing and awkwardly paced approach but in this case is handled surprisingly well, especially because it seems like it’s gonna have a lot more elements of a character drama than a straight up classic sports anime (which i am Super here for)

(there is a lot of rugby in the op though so we’ll see how things go, it’s only been 1 ep after all)

the air drop into the characters’ established lives makes introductions a lot more organic as well; since the characters are already familiar with each other we don’t have to sit around watching everyone introduce themselves to the protag, we get to infer their relationships and general opinions of each other through their various interactions & it’s a thousand times more engaging imo!!

i mean we do have this other first year joining as a manager and our protag did deliberately say he learned everyone’s names/info after deciding to become a manager so im sure we’ll be getting those character introductions anyway, but well. we’ll cross that bridge if/when we come to it

also i believe this takes place in college rather than high school?? i couldn’t pay attention to every detail but i definitely got that kind of vibe in which case Hell Yeah another welcome deviation from the norm babeeyyyy (i just checked and it Is college yeehaw)

basically what im saying is im tired of tropes & number24 just no clipped past the first 25 chapters of the sports anime formula and also it’s set in university AND it seems to be character-driven & im living thanks thank u

Pet

ok ill be honest i completely forgot that i watched this one lmaooo (which should give u a hint as to what i thought of it *thinking emoji*)

the art style’s whatever and the animation’s whatever, nothing special there. the show is like, dark?? more stupid than dark idk it feels a little bit “welcome to my twisted mind” but the twist is homophobia w/ a mild side of ableism, and also an entire episode of suspense wondering if im gonna have to watch this black side character die (he doesn’t, so there’s that at least)

honestly i cant even remember what drew me to this show enough to put it in my plan to watch, i guess the premise sounded interesting enough (something about controlling minds and erasing memories?), but mature psychological shows usually aren’t really my scene, especially when they’re executed.... Like That. i did kind of enjoy the twist at the end, mildly, though i feel like it was pretty obvious in hindsight and the only reason i didn’t see it coming is bc i can be astoundingly shortsighted when it comes to things like that (aka im DUMB)

since it took until the very end of the episode to Really introduce our dynamic duo tho, i feel like this ep was more of a prologue than anything and the Real show is gonna begin in ep 2, which is great n all but uh. idk if i care enough to give that a watch tbhhhh. i might just to see what the show has to offer but really truly honestly cant see myself sticking this one thru to the end lmao rip

hate to end on a bummer note like that but hey that’s all i got for this post ! i have more shit to watch so i’ll probably end up making like a part 2 w/ more impressions but this is getting long enough that it’s becoming kind of a pain to keep adding more so thats it for now boiyoeiyeoii

#i kept wanting to talk abt my thoughts & figured this format would be more efficient than making a bunch of scattered text posts #also this way i get to include pictures to help identify each show #which is a lot more fun and probably way easier to understand wtf im talking about #so thats my gift to u ur welcome #retag later #ani blogging

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scenarihoes · 6 years

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hi! could I pls request something where tokoyami discovers that he has more bird in him than he thought because it's mating season and oh no, of course he's not trying to make his feathers look nicer for his crush and he definitely did not buy a bunch of shiny things to make his room more attractive to her. thank you!!

this is godteir and im going to marry you

Tokoyami Fumikage

Mating season headcanons/scenario!

Never in his life did Tokoyami see his coming. He should have, in hindsight, and maybe once or twice he toyed with the idea that it could happen (or at least it would be funny) but never did he really take the moment to wonder if it could be true. It was a stupid joke more than anything else- ‘Tokoyami, you’re a bird right? Does that mean you have like mating seasons’ and stuff like that?’

Of course he was quick to shut that idea down. No, he doesn’t have mating seasons. No, he doesn’t go into heats or ruts or whatever Kaminari asks so shamelessly. It’s embarrassing honestly, to have his friends ask him such lucoris questions. He’s got the head of a bird but the rest of him is human, so why would anything other than his eating habits be affected?

Ah yes. All fun and annoying games until, well, something happens. It starts slowly: a passing moment when he feels the impulse buy a crystal. He blames it on his love of the occult- everyone knows gemstones go great with a dark room lit with somehow even darker candles. The moment comes and go and he doesn’t think much of it. However, when it returns not even a full day later, he wonders why he’s suddenly so adamant about his sudden urge to redecorate. The middle of the night is when it hits him the hardest, the absolute need to ‘fix things’ so strong that he feels like if he doesn’t get up right then and there and tear down his tapestries he might actually die. He pitches some of the dark colors and the following day replaces them with shiner materials- mostly gems that he’d taken a liking to the day before.

So he’s suddenly had a change in taste. Whatever, right? It happens. People grow, they develop new interests. Not uncommon at all. Or, at least, that’s what he tells himself over the weekend. He hasn’t seen you in a few days which is strangely upsetting? He’s always been more of a loner than anything else, so to feel himself actually dragged down by the fact he hasn’t seen you in little more than 72 hours while you’re away at home is new. This is when he starts to think something may be happening to him. He looks himself in the mirror and suddenly finds it in himself to care about his grooming a little more than usual.

What makes him almost faint in realization is when he’s brushing out his feathers, he’s thinking about you. Not like he normally is, no, but how he wants to impress you. To pull you in, make you notice him a way you never had before. He wants you to remark on the shiny things in his room, comment and possibly even ask to touch the softness of his feathered cheeks. It makes him giddy, the idea of you in awe at just how good he looks so suddenly.

Dark shadow gives him hell for this. He’s all over him about it before Tokoyami can even connect the dots himself. After all, Dark Shadow’s been there since the start, so when Tokoyami acts even slightly out of character Shadow is right there to question him. It’s bearable at first, little questions here and there, but it crosses the line when it’s monday and you walk into class and good fucking god have you always been that pretty? He has to remind himself to keep his cool when you sit down at your desk and wave good morning at him. He waves back and ruffles his feathers almost too obviously. Unsure of what to make at the display, you tilt your head, but smile nonetheless.

Between teacher shifts, his soul leaves his body when Denki loudly exclaims that he couldn’t sleep the night before because someone in the boy’s wing decided it would be cool to recordate in the middle of the night. Though he doesn’t outright name anyone, his eyes find Tokoyami’s, and yours do too. He sits at his desk in silence and prays you don’t ask him about it.

Monday is going to be the death of him. Aizawa decides that some light training could do everyone good. Students will be filed into groups of three and will do basic training in order to catch up for any lost training over the weekend. Simple, easy stuff. Tokoyami goes into it thinking of it with almost the same mindset as a popquiz. He’s bored, but ready. When you, him and Todoroki are placed into a trio, he suddenly thinks it’s much more interesting. You’re so close to him, always watching him, he feels like he has to put a show on you for reasons he still won’t admit to himself entirely. He’s almost posing when he works, showing himself off. Your remarks are all he needs to feel validated.

Todoroki, on the other hand, feels… Confused. He’s always been so observant, and he knows Tokoyami is doing something. Blunt as always, he spits it out almost instantly once the three of you have met your goals.

‘So are you and ___ dating now, or what?’

Tokoyami is more caught off guard than you are. You take it offhandedly, asking him where that came from. Tokoyami feels like he’s going to die right there when not only does Todoroki out him for showing off, but for staring at you during class. He’s suddenly so thankful that his feathers are black as night, because if they were anything else, you’d be able to see how all the blood in his body rushed straight to his head. He sputters when you question him, and this is when Todoroki realizes hey, maybe, just maybe this was something he should have brought up after practice. Luckily for him, however, Aizawa calls the session quits and the groups are dispersed. Of course he just takes off and leaves you and Tokoyami to hash out whatever it is that’s going on between the two of you.

The first thing you ask is about his staring and yeah, he saw that one coming. Not enough to come up with a explanation, but he was at least somewhat ready to hear it. He shrugs and you cross your arms, eyeing him curiously. The next question is as to why he’s acting so strangely. You hadn’t noticed it entirely before, but with Todoroki’s statements, you could now when you thought back on it. The feathers, the redorating, the showing off…

In all honesty, Tokoyami doesn’t know how to respond exactly. He can’t just outright tell you he’s trying to court you- that would be so embarrassing! One, because just the idea of mating seasons is enough to make him want to throw himself out a window, and also because odds are you don’t feel the same. You’re his friend, you always have been. He doesn’t want to wreck that no matter how intense his hormones are.

Your serious expression changes suddenly when he takes a moment of silence. Bouncing from inspecting to pure shock, and then your hand coming to muffle light laughter, he isn’t really sure what to make of your actions. When you look up at him, you’re blushing, and he wonders what could be racing through your mind.

‘This wouldn’t have anything to do with your uh… Bird Biology, would it?’

Tokoyami feels like he could melt right there and be okay with sinking into the ground. He wishes it would open up and swallow him, no matter how dramatic that sounds. Of all the poetries he’s written in his room at 2 am, this would surely be the muse for the worst of them. Before he can even try to apologize, you shush him, leaning up and pecking his beak. He gawks at you, frozen in his place.

‘I guess this isn’t the worst way you could have confessed,’ You bemuse. ‘It’s kinda cute seeing you all ruffled up.’

‘You-… You’re not uncomfortable…?’

‘Of course not! I’ve liked you for a while, just didn’t know how to get it out there. This is just perfect, actually, now that I think about it.’

He rubs the back of his neck and eyes the patched of grass below him. ‘Where do we go from here…?’

Always the happy person, you take a moment to think before a figurative lightbulb appears above your head. You grin at him. ‘You can show me your room, since somebody was so restless last night.’

You’ve been in his room countless times before, and no matter how comfortable with it he is he always found himself slightly nervous at the concept of another person sharing his own personal space. However, this time, when you suggest another visit to his room he feels nothing less than excited.

Finally he can show you all the shiny things he’s been collecting just for you.

#mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #tokoyami fumikage #x reader #imagine #scenario #Anonymous

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oswald-privileges · 6 years

Text

Loudmouth

(I wrote some statement fic. It’s been a heck of a while since I wrote anything for fandom.)

Statement of Ulla Ness, regarding, um... a peculiar transformation. Original statement given March 14th, 1999. Audio recording by Christopher Peake, in an… unprofessional capacity. Statement begins.

I still don’t see why I had to come to you. I know you have an email address, so wouldn’t it have been easier to just scan the form and send it to me? Hell, I would have taken a physical copy sent to me in the post. It would have been slower, but it would have meant I could have stayed at home. But no. I asked, and you just gave me a lot of waffle about how you have ‘strict acquisition policies’, alongside directions that had been copied from google maps. Which I know, because I checked.

It’s not that I’m lazy, you understand, far from it. I used to have what I regarded as quite the active social life. But recently that’s become impossible for me to maintain, for a number of reasons. Which are also the reasons that I’ve come to talk to you.

I used to be quite a religious person. Still am, I suppose. I’m not entirely sure. I was a member of the congregation of Saint Mary’s, a small anglican church in a small, anglican village up in Lincolnshire. Not everybody there was particularly devout, but it wasn’t one of those places where it especially mattered. It was more about the sense of community we had. Catching up with each other after communion on Thursdays, singing in the choir, arranging cake sales or coffee mornings as fundraisers for whatever bit of the building had fallen off now. I’ve been attending since I was little, and more or less grew up with the congregation.

I miss it quite badly, if I’m being honest. I’ve always been the sort to need other people, but I didn’t realise quite how much losing them would affect me. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and all that, I suppose.

It started with another fundraiser, a jumble sale this time. I had volunteered to help manage the event, so I was in charge of sorting through the items that people had brought in for us to sell. Like I said, not everyone there was strictly devout, and didn’t always take care with what they decided to donate. Some people seemed to use it as more of an excuse to toss legitimate junk in our direction and call it a good deed.

This was definitely the case with Mister Ashley. He attended purely because his mother was too old to walk by herself, and I rather think that she insisted that he stay with her throughout the service. It was definitely at her behest that he took part in any communal activities. She would always announce that he would be happy to run stalls or make tea or some other menial duty, while he sat by her side, stony-faced, and saying nothing at all.

The only time I remember him giving any sort of reaction was when when his mother announced that her Jamie would be happy to donate some of his shop’s excess stock for the jumble sale. I remember, he turned to her with the strangest look on his face. At the time, I thought it was one of badly suppressed outrage. I assumed that she had simply gone a bit too far in volunteering his services; Mister Ashley was a second hand book seller, and owned the Jabberwock Bookshop just off from Memorial Square. It can’t have been all that easy to turn a profit. Thinking back on it now, though, and I wonder if his expression was something sharper than just anger. If it could have been alarmed, almost panicked. But I believe that is likely be nothing more than hindsight colouring my memories. If he had had some way of knowing, had been frightened of something like that which came to pass, then… well. I cannot honestly say I ever truly liked James Ashley, but neither can I believe that he would be as cruel or as cowardly as to not have said or done anything.

As it was, he brought the books to the side room the next day, where I was going through the donations and sorting the sellable items from those things too broken, torn, stained, or just plain unusable. I had just set aside yet another jigsaw- this one with almost two thirds of the pieces obviously missing- when he knocked on the outer door. In spite of the heavy rain, he wasn’t wearing a coat, hat, or boots. He didn’t say a word to me when I opened it, just shouldered his way in, dropped a heavy cardboard box on the floor by the unsorted donations, and walked out again. He did this three more times, leaving the door swinging behind him, letting in strong gusts of wind and rain, and reinscribing a damp trail of rainwater on the carpeted floor. Then he was gone as abruptly as he had arrived.

Ashley had taken better care to protect the books from the rain than himself. The cardboard was soaked through, but the books inside had been wrapped in several layers of plastic sheeting. They were stacked upright, and had been fitted in without any attempt to force too many into a single space. They were all, without exception, worn, faded, and almost completely without interest. Paperback romances long since out of print, old text books, children’s encyclopedias. It was rather a relief, if I’m honest. I could just reach into the boxes, grab a book, give it a flick through, and place it on the “for sale” pile.

I was about halfway through the last box when my fingers brushed something that did not feel at all like paper. It was dense and yielding, and ever so slightly damp. I recoiled, shock and disgust crawling their prickling way up my arm. My fingers looked clean, but the ghost feeling of something sticky still clung to them.

My first thought that it was some nasty practical joke. That Ashley, stung by his mother’s willingness to give away his stock, had put something disgusting in there by way of relieving his feelings. But that would have been ridiculous- he was a grown man, for goodness sakes, not a slighted child. It was more likely that the plastic keeping the books wrapped up had slipped, and allowed the rain to seep in through the sides. That was the more likely explanation.

It seemed as though I was right when I looked into the box properly, and saw nothing there but more books. But when I reached in again, all I felt was rough, dry paper. Confused, I went through the contents more slowly, looking where I placed my hand and at the books I chose.

I didn’t feel it again until the fifth book I picked up, that same almost-damp feeling. It was broad and set in landscape, almost like a sketchbook. It was dense with pages all jammed together- dense and heavy. It flopped bonelessly in my hand, and I needed to support it from underneath before I could read the title.

Hymnal, it read. The gold letters gleamed wetly on the slick cover.

It appeared to be full of sheet music. No titles or lyrics, just scratched staves and notes that meandered up and down the lines as though drunk. The smell that rose from the pages as I turned them was odd and unpleasant. I wondered if the leather binding them hadn’t been properly cured. Those areas of page that weren’t covered in music were full of sketches, but so dense and overlapping that I couldn’t tell what they were supposed to be. And, I realised with an unpleasant start, the cover beneath my hands was warm, as though I was touching a live thing.

Suddenly, I’d had enough. I was sitting here, working myself up over an old, graffitied book for no good reason. I shut the thing hurriedly, and it snapped closed with a heavy slithering of pages. I caught the soft part of my forefinger on one of them, and a tiny bead of scarlet began to well from the wound. The stinging was welcome- it gave me something to focus on, mundane annoyance drowning out the confusion that had been threatening to become fear.

I dropped the book onto the discard pile. I couldn’t sell something like that, that much was obvious. Then I picked it up again, and dashed through the rain to the rubbish bins outside. I tossed it in, and followed it up with as much of the discard pile as I could bag up in one go, burying the thing underneath threadbare scarves, broken plastic dolls, and half used art supplies.

I felt a little better when it was done, but not much. Whatever those hymns were praising, I don’t think it was Our Lord.

The cut on my finger didn’t heal like it should. It stopped bleeding without any trouble, but the edges became raised, reddened and sensitive to the touch. I dabbed at it with antiseptic and did my best to put it out of my mind. I succeeded at first. I had plenty to keep me busy, both at church and at my workplace, and for a day or two, I completely forgot about it.

At least until it opened up again.

I don’t remember what caused it, or if anything caused it at all. Just that I was reaching for something, and there was the feeling of… unpeeling, almost, the cold feeling of fresh air on wet skin. I checked to see if the cut was bleeding again.

Instead of a cut, I found myself looking at a tiny, fully formed mouth.

The raised, reddened edges I had thought were a sign of infection had become minute lips. They were slightly parted, and behind them I could see the tiniest slivers of white. And behind that, a dark space where something wet shifted.

I didn’t look at it for long. Already I was reaching for the first aid kit, hastily covering the cut- the mouth- with a plaster. I was already convincing myself that what I’d just seen was some kind of infection I was too squeamish to look at, and that since I couldn’t feel any pain, I should probably go to the doctors, in case it was nerve damage or something. The impression of having seen a mouth rather than a cut was an unpleasant trick my mind had played on me, and one I didn’t feel like closely examining. I told myself I had imagined it.

I hadn’t, though. I could taste the soft fabric patch on the plaster.

I really did mean to go to the doctors. Mouth or no mouth, whatever was happening to the cut on my finger worried me. I even got as far as making an appointment. But the next day I went into work, and there was an accident involving a slippery patch of floor and a very, very sharp knife that I was carrying at the time. I ended up with a nasty slice parallel with the underside of my ribcage.

This time, it was obvious how quickly it stopped bleeding, how it was practically dry before I even changed the gauze once. How the scabs began to flake before I even touched them, leaving nothing but those raised, reddening edges around the cut itself.

I didn’t go to that doctor’s appointment. I don’t think it would have helped me if I had.

It took longer for the second cut to open, but when it did, I could stand in front of the mirror to properly see the flat, white, human teeth, and the tongue that moved behind them.

It didn’t feel alien. That’s what surprised me most. I was scared, of course I was scared, I was growing new bits, opening up in places that I shouldn’t- but that was just it. It was my body doing this, not some… weird infection or surgery. Whatever was happening, it felt like an extension of myself.

I could move them, I found. Not as consciously as I could my original mouth, the one in its proper position on my face, but sort of like moving a limb after it’s fallen asleep. It took concentration, like I was working through partial numbness. Like I needed to focus to wake them up.

I didn’t spend very long doing that, though. I would realise with a start that what I was doing wasn’t normal, it wasn’t sane. I would pull my shirt back down or re-plaster my finger with a feeling almost like shame. I wasn’t as scared as I should have been, and that in itself was somehow a lot more frightening.

I’m not clumsy. I can’t be, considering the sharp tools I have to handle at work. But I started to accumulate injuries. Innocuous things at first. Paper cuts from the prayer books during mass, scrapes from the edges of the metal benches at work. And then other things. Pushing down a door-handle would lay my palm open as though I’d been struck with a metal ruler. The pressure of my jacket across my shoulders would tear the skin. I woke in bed one morning to discover that the folded sheets around me had left cuts going from my hip to my collar bone.

Every single one of them bled, reddened, and opened.

The mouths started to become restless as their number grew. They tried to chew on the clothes I wore to cover them, and if I didn’t focus, they would let out soft, but audible moans or sighs. I tried to quiet them. I even tried feeding them, though I only did that once. It seemed to help, but the mangled sensation of swallowing with a throat that seemed to be lodged under my right kidney was so disorienting I couldn’t bring myself to do it again.

I hadn’t stopped going out altogether. I left the house less, certainly, but as uncertain and uncomfortable as my changing existence was, I didn’t want to give up the company of other people altogether. I get lonely easily.

So, one Friday, when when there was so little skin left under my clothes and gloves that no new mouths could easily form, I patched my face and neck with gauze, and went to take my place in the choir again.

Nobody really seemed to notice anything different about me. I had all the right stories lined up for when I was asked about what had happened to my face, but almost nobody did. A few condolences, a few jokes, and that was it. People apparently preferred to gossip about the death of Mrs Ashley, and how her James had stopped coming to church now, and how they had known his heart wasn’t in it all along.

It felt awful. There I was, standing in the middle of them, skin to skin almost, with the most fragile disguise imaginable hiding a secret that would ruin their perception of the world for good- and they were too wrapped up in their own smug assurance of their own piety to notice. I offered up a brief prayer for patience, but like all my prayers lately, I don’t think I was offering it to the God whose praises we’d all gathered to sing.

And when we raised our voices together for All Things Bright And Beautiful, and I opened my mouth to join in, and then opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again- I wasn’t singing praises to that God either.

I didn’t realise that the others had stopped at first. It wasn’t until I glanced to one side, and saw Julie Wright staring at me with her powerless mouth open and unmoving, that I realised I was singing in harmony with myself.

I broke off, suddenly embarrassed and frightened by the way that they were all looking at me. There was something like awe in their expressions, but there was something else there too. Something that shuddered and recoiled. I desperately tried to remember the words I’d been singing, if I had gotten them right. I had the horrible sense that I might have subverted something holy.

Adam Bromley was the one to break the silence.

“Well now. You never told us you were getting private training!”

And just like that, the spell was broken. The unexpressed disgust sank back beneath their faces, and the others took up the idea almost with relief. A beautiful voice, they told me, what trick did they teach me to make it resonate like that? I forced a smile and said something non-committal and when we took up the tune again, I was careful to sing only the words that were on the page in front of me.

My own relief was short-lived. When I got home, I found the skin I had left was being pulled apart by the restless movements of the mouths. Blood stained the underside of my shirt, and I couldn’t stop the moans and hissings any more than I could have controlled a spasm or a muscular tic.

I didn’t sleep that night, and called in sick to work the next day. I lay on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling, trying very hard not to move.

It wasn’t any use. My skin had become so fragile that even getting up and walking to the kitchen caused it to split, the blood barely having time to dry before the wound began to twitch and whisper. All my fascination was gone now, as were all my attempts to ignore what was happening. All I did was lie on the bed, and let myself slowly drown in my own body. I lived like that for a week.

When next Friday evening came, my entire body burst into song.

I writhed and moaned and hummed without will, without choice, throwing out snatches of hymn before discarding them as not what I wanted, not right. And for the first time, the indistinct murmurs and whispers grew louder, began to form words. Prayers that had been chewed out of shape, pleas for more, more mouths, more brothers and sisters, to come out of hiding and join the great curdling of flesh.

This went on for the entire night.

That was when I decided that I needed to do something. I’d let… whatever this was go on for too long, long beyond the point of saving myself. But I wanted to tell someone first. So I dragged myself to my computer, and searched as best I could. It’s difficult to type with only a confusion of tongues.

And that’s where you came in. You aren’t special. You were just the closest place that didn’t either ignore my emails, or reply with not so gentle suggestions that I see a psychologist.

I don’t think I’ll be leaving my home again, once I get back. I doubt I’ll even bother uncovering, although there’s no-one there to see me. For all that I wanted to let someone know, I don’t want to be seen.

The cupboard below the stairs locks from the inside. I can push the key out from underneath the crack in the door.

Whatever is happening to me, I won’t allow it come to fruition.

Post-statement follow-up: There wasn’t anyone under the stairs when I went to check. The lock on cupboard door was broken, and so was the one on the back door. Either Ms Ness was, um… successful in her attempts to… halt her transformation, and a housebreaker with some seriously questionable motives took what was- what was left of her. Or she wasn’t. And her resolve either waned or the situation was, um. Taken out of her hands. Or. Whatever she had instead of hands.

I wasn’t… going to record this. It’s not my job, strictly speaking, but I was reading some of the old statements, and this one just… sort of caught my eye. And I’ve seen the Archivist and some of the others do recordings, and it just looked so… I wanted to try it out. I’ll be taking the tape with me, though. None of the others need to know about this.

#The Magnus Archives #tma #the magnus institute #whoops its all OCs

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dwindlingashesburnt · 5 years

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"Secrets" vs Secrets

I tell myself I'm an open person who tries to, and wants to, discuss stuff about myself and preferably receive the same from others. But I don't, not really, I share "secrets" but not secrets

I share, for example, laughing as though it's funny, how I and H never really talked until A joined the group. How A made our friendship group work

I don't share how scared and jealous I was. How I didn't know A well, and was divided between being angry on her behalf for her shitty ex-friends, or angry at her, because H was the only one I had even if at that point we barely counted as acquaintances, and I was really scared A and H would go off and I would be alone again. Or how, at times, I thought H was better than A or vice versa and wanted to be friends with one of them and the other to leave. How sometimes I felt so guilty for that. How sometimes I didn't feel guilty for it at all, but knew I should, and wondered if that made me a bad person

I share how I feel like when I'm alone with Iz, we both become really awkward and never really manage to have a decent conversation alone. I don't share how I sometimes get caught up in the differences, because I worry they mean we're not as close or I won't act as though we're as close as Iz believes us it be, because I struggle with how little she talks about deep feelings, how she isn't a fan of physical affection, but am equally aware that just as I feel as though she's failing to speak my language on those levels, I'm just as highly aware that I'm utterly failing to make hers when she makes jokes or comments, and sometimes I don't understand them, or I understand them literally but can't tell if that's what she means, what she may mean if the meaning isn't that literal. I'm overly aware that in my admittedly limited circle of about 6 friends,she's the only one who isn't white, and I'm overly aware of my stupid lack of knowledge there and the subconscious tendency for me to be slightly racist and not even realise for a long moment, and how I try to fix that, but maybe not hard enough? What if she picks up on it? What if I fuck up badly and say something awful? I'm a pathetic coward for not being able to address her about this to her face, I know, but I equally fret that if I did force myself to tell her this or ask her to call me out if I do mess up, that this may be overstepping a line - I know for example that many lgbt people get angry when people ask a lot of questions in a poor manner, for acting like they have no choice but to sit there and be a source of information instead of a person. Does the same apply here? Would I be doing that to Iz? I do not want to hurt her. As much as I don't understand her, I like her, I consider her a friend...I feel awful for thinking about her like this. I don't know how to fix this, or if it needs fixing - maybe as far as she's aware, there's nothing wrong except mild awkwardness, and I just need to fix my issues on my own time. I don't know

I share how I don't really want to go to the school counsellor or whatever because I don't think they address such serious stuff, I have always been given the impression that they address things like exam stress and bullying only, and that even then they dont address it very well it seems. I share how I'm worried things would get back to my mother

I don't share how I'm also afraid it would get out to my friends, the decent people in my family, the school. I don't share that I'm afraid if I went, the counsellor would write everything I say down and then take it back, report every word to my mother, my abuser - and I'm aware this is in all likelihood a ridiculous fear but it is a real fear to me. I'm scared that, even if no specific information got back to my parents or family, they may be informed/find out I'm going to counselling at school, if not why or anything - and I hate and fear the idea of that. I don't know HOW I'd get to see a counsellor at school, meaning I'd like to have to go via teachers and leading staff, meaning many of the staff would know. I don't want them to know. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want it. I'm scared I'd go to it, and the counsellor would either tell me nothing was wrong with me and send me away without help, or tell me far far more is wrong with me than I think there is and make me have to confront that. Or they'll tell me it's something entirely different from what I expect, or they won't be what I expect, or they'll call me out on my redirecting, or they'll look at me and say okay. You've told me all your problems - you've revealed you know what they are, often why they are, you've considered what you could do to solve them. What have you actually done to try and solve them? And I will be forced to look right at them and say I have done nothing, or as good as nothing. Because it is true, as much as I like to claim otherwise. I could do so much more.

I share little about how I used to be so convinced supernatural stuff was happening, how some things my sibling said seemed to match up. How unsure I am about hat was telling happening, in hindsight - was it real, dream, hallucination, daydream? I was losing time at that point in time - was I passing put for some reason, or just forgetting, or what? I half convinced myself at the time it was linked to supernatural - was this my way of covering up what didn't make sense to me? I know this was a time where I was increasingly reliant on "thought processes", as far as I know faced no physical danger but did face immense emotional stress constantly - I was convinced I could be killed any moment - and I was losing time and it felt like I was slipping out of control and then there was that night where I was not in control of my body. But someone else was and I could hear their voice and a sliver of their intentions without a full view of their big picture and I remember screaming panicking flailing at the back of my mind while at the same time, at the same time I was them and I was drifting and idle and my smile was unnatural and felt wrongwrongwrong and I was looking for the key to the window, and so too was I my body just empty, just moving, while these two within were in conflict, and I remember finally a voice, a third that was not mine or theirs, and it made them retreat, and I was in control, and I was shaking and felt like I was in shock afterward. The dreams, too. How I have wondered for a while now whether, at that stage, had DID. If that was even a possibility, or what could have caused it to happen - whether, if I did have DID, if that means that there is bad stuff I dont remember still? Wondering whether it even matters now, as I seem not to lose any time now, as I seem to have somehow fixed it. Wondering if, if I did have it, maybe I didn't 'fix it' - maybe I'm still losing time and whoever may or may not be in my head with me just got better at hiding information that would indicate as such for the sake of the system being healthy. Wondering how close I pushed myself to that stage with my refusal to deal with anything, whether if I do or did have DID, how much of that is/would be my fault. During that night I had been messaging an online friend the whole time, even when it didn't exactly feel like it was me typing - I want to discuss it with him, badly. I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he actually knows or realises what had been going on - how, although in retrospect I realise I probably would have been unlucky to even break an ankle, I had been so scared they would find the key and open the window and jump and I would be dead with no prescense more than hysteria trapped in my own head and watching. How I sat there afterwards and a while after, when it had processed, I felt trapped and scared - so terribly scared - and desperate and actually...rather bitter or angry. Because this was a time where I felt my control and free will were practically non-existent, self harm used to make me feel I had control but then people took that from me, so that night...When that person took control and seemed like they were aiming to commit suicide, they took the last two things I felt belonged to me - my mind, and my death. I was angry and scared and desperate, and I felt so trapped I wanted to scream because it felt like everything was closing in on me so tight I wanted to rip my skin right through and climb out of it, I could barely breathe, and I'm not sure but I think I had a panic attack then (?)

I share little bits about this, but not the full extent of it - I don't DO enough and that scares me. I'm scared I'll end up alone and starving and useless because I don't do enough to socialise with the people I hace,p or nake new friends, or learn to cook or naythibg else I need. I frequently struggle even to get the things I WANT done. I'm scared there's simething wrong with me.

I have no sense of time. I don't know why - when I searched it was suggested this could be part of being subject to emotional abuse and gaslighting, depression, or dissassocitation. I know the first two are relebent to me, I don't know about the other two but I'm fairly certain if thet arent relevent now then they used to be. I struggle with things because of this - I can't tell what happened when, Ive literally said that something that turned out to have happened less than two weeks ago happened about two years ago, and vice versa.

I have massive issues with control: I make decisions either to comply entirely with what people suggest/order or do the exact opposite of what is suggested/ordered, far far far more than I actually judt make the desciison that I want or seems sensible, meaning I effectively dont have control over my decidions. I constantly lose the battle agaunst my own mind. I go into exams every day absolutely exhausted because whenever Im at all stressed, my automatic response is to deprive myself of sleep in order to prive to myself that Im in control, that I wont heed the orders of any people I know, society, or my own fucking body if it disagrees with me. But this is one area where Im veey very very wrong, especually since despite my tendency to deprive myself of sleep, I function awfully on even as much as 5 or 6 hours sleep - it makes my brain fuzzy, I function on autopilot, I strugfle to tune in or concentrate or eat......and of course thsi makes me feel out of cobtrol, so I sleep even less

I struggle to distinguish between what i genuinely want, and what are self destructive thoughts. For example - hypnosis - is this self detsructive of me or not? I don't know. I know when I used to be obsessed with the idea of bdsm, that was self destructive, tying together things I wanted and things that would harm me badly in all sorts of ways together - now I'm still attracted to incredibly specific ideas of powerplay, but I camt figure out if thats a genuine want Ive separated from all he rest, or just the new disguise my self destructive tendencies are now wearing. Same with ideas of sex - explicit references to sex, as in acyual genitals an dstuff, makes me feel uncomfortable, grossed out, unsafe, nervous. But I like stuff that is intended to be expicit or pornographic - but stays almost entirely as mental games, and feelings, no physical stuff or sex stuff please. But wheres the line here? I don't know.

(This is tmi but sometimes I get really frustrated, and feel very alone and angry and ashamed....because with vague stuff like I mentioned, I enjoy it, I get pretty aroused, it's good. But if I try to deal with it, like masturbate or anything, it ruins it because then I feel gross and unsafe and very much like I want to cry. So although I want to be able to enjoy myself sexually, it inevitably ends either in failed masturbation making me want to cry, or in me eventually losing interest in the activity but my body fails to correspond properly so I'm forced to be there, struggling to distract myself from how my body is still aroused, and feeling increasingly ashamed and self pitying and stupid while that's happening. Neither are good and I hate it because I know I can like, feel all hot and nice and stuff, but there is no way i can have that without it ending in misery one way or another. And of course both make me feel very distanced from my body, inevitably making me feel very very insecure)

I used to age regress. Not sexually, but just...to deal with things. Because my problems are generally big, overwhelming and complex, I was able to put them in the box of "grown up stuff" in my head, and it wasnt the same as repressing it or ignoring it - it was still very much there, and I was very much aware of it, but it just didn't register as important to me while in 'little space', which meant I was able to relax, feel safe and happy and vulnerable without fear for a few hours, and then I could gradually ease myself back into opening that box up again and be able to deal with all of it in a much better fashion because I would be so much calmer, with a clear head.

Except obviously, when i was in little space I acted childishly. Not overwhlemingly so, I don't think? But I'd speak weird, and be very overenergetic and stuff, and I'd be a bit jsut different. Problem was....I had nobody to take care of me when I was in little space, and nobody made me feel safe to even be around - even if they didnt know what was happening, some people like my mother were deliberately cruel about my acting immature and whatever, some friends just...questioned it a lot and asked me to calm down a lot, and some theoretically were absolutely okay with it but just seemed so obviously to be humouring me......It upset me a lot to get that sort of reaction in little space when I was so much more vulnerable emotionally. And it just...escalated. very quickly, the constant mantra of "they hate me they hate me they hate me why am I here I shouldnt be doing this they hate me they hate me" had infiltrated my little space as well as my normal life and I could no longer just file it away in the "grown up box" for an hour or three

I tried only age regressing on my own, but as a kid I was afraid of being alone, and now I'm afraid of being alone, so ultimately all it did was make me feel helpless, incredibly lonely and put me in a state emotionally vulnerable enough that what I would normally get over fairly easily quickly had me hysterical. I also started losing control of going in and out of it? Easing myself in and out of it was vital for it to actually help me, but I started rapidly falling into little space as I became more and more distressed and panicky and miserable in normal life, and equally (largely due to other people, but then after due to my own emotions) started crashing after little space instead of gradually easing out of it - which not only undoes any and all good that little time may have done, it also makes me feel unsafe, empty in an awful way, miserable, and overall awful.

Eventually I stopped regressing at all

And that made me pretty miserable - because while i found other ways to solve issues, I lost the ability to just put it on pause for a while. I almost never am able to relax, I sometimes relax more than other times, but when I stopped regressing I lost the only time I felt safe enough to relax COMPLETELY. And while I know at least some of my friends and family love me unconditionally, and are proud of me, feeling it is another thing entirely - and when I was little I was absolutely certain on that, and that carried over into normal life giving me confidence. Now i don't have that.

The other day A, me, an english teacher and a classmate were discussing stuff in class, and it somehow got onto people who identify as an age (??? Never heard of that before and personally think it makes no sense, but anyway) and that led onto age regression as a method of coping?

I spent most of that part of the conversation feeling like I wanted to participate, but equally wanting not to sound too passionate or knowledgeable because he was there, a TEACHER was there, and I could feel A's eyes on me, god I was so aware of A and so terrified she'd turn around and say she hated me.

But. But that conversation made me want it again, and feel sad about it because I know I can't- like literally, I cannot, it's been plagued with bad stuff enough that I don't feel able to and I'm constantly so incredibly tense and feel do unsafe I cannot relax enough to slip into little space and haven't been able to for probably two years, but i have no idea, because as previously mentioned I'm crap with time. It also made me kinda wanna mention the fact that I used to do it to my friends? Idk

I'm just. I'm very very aware that while I want to be, and lie to myself saying I am, an open person, I'm aware there's a lot of stuff I keep quiet (thid is oh so little of it) and what's more, I lie about the little things. CONSTANTLY. So. So I'm a fake.

I just....I don't know

I don't know what more to write

#DID #dissassocitation #mental illness #mentions of self harm #reference to suicide #emotional abuse #sex stuff #age regression #venting #oh my god im a mess #lies #secrets #im a awful failure of ahuman bring basically #and my friends are like no youre not! you never do anything freaky!#and im like #yeah i do! i judt dont mention it #or lie aabout it!#im an awful person

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audible--silence · 3 years

Text

Words from the north - the whole unedited note from my phone

Words from the north

Watching the sunset over the Cape range tunes. A light yellow through to dark blue gradient swings through the sky with a string of Aqua running down the centre a single star sits above as a full moon shines lightening up the town of Exmouth after a day spent in the sun in the sand

I am convinced the only difference between the average joe and a poet is one pays attention to life, understands the dictionary and writes things down

From the one day the conditions called for hoodies and cameras rather than wetsuits and surfboards

Smelling like mosquito spray, salt water and sweat is a way of life

Surf forecast up here looks like sitting in SoSo looking out the window staring at a palm tree to figure out what the wind is doing and asking ya mates that walk in the door “hows the surf?”

You know you’re doing something right when you start feeling guilty for all the fun you’re having

And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kooks

From that one time we thought itd be a good time to be homeless together for a week. By the end of it we were somewhere between brothers, lovers and mortal enemies all at once

#fucktony

#whothefuckistony

Sea’s of red dirt and shrubs for hours and hours and hours on end

Karijini

The sound of birds chirping, the wind rustling through the tall grass and the camp fire crackling away as the sun hides away behind the towering mountains im front of us. Shades of purple, red and yellow take over from the normal red, green and blue that make up the scene. I relax into a camp chair as twilight starts to take over. Indi is editing photos while Noems takes charge of dinner. Despite many attempts at offering help, we were both benched from kitchen duties. Another day of adventure comes to a close and the contentment sets in alongside the anticipation of what tomorrow may hold

Worth the wakeup knock on the car at 4am in the freezing cold

Worth the bitter windchills knocking our balance on the slippery rocky path up in the dark

Worth racing the sun to the top of the mountain

Worth choosing between having my fingers warm or my camera in my hand

Worth struggling to see by the light of a phone torch

Worth not feeling my fingers for two hours

Worth it for the golden yellow and blue light peeling over the horizon

Worth it for the feeling of being awake and alive before the sun is up

Worth it for the view of the cliffs side

Worth it for seeing the wind blasting trees

Worth it for the view from the top

Worth it for the oranges on the way down

Worth it for the tunes and singalongs

Worth it for the smoked salmon croissants

Worth it for the snacks and the beers in the carpark

But first, let me check my engine oil 🤙

You can tell where all our money went when you look at us, none of it went into shoes

At a fucked up level though thats just evolution. The strongest survive (colonialism)

“But what are ya gonna do with that information though? Just make your own meaning and chase that” (on the topic of the meaning of life)

The ritual of fires every evening after a days adventure and then every morning to boil the water for our coffee before we go again

The grit that came off my skin

The knots that became of my hair

The red dust that washed off me as I stepped into the first bit of hot water id felt in what felt like a very long time

The black under my finger nails

The red and yellow stains on my hands that the soap didnt wash off.

The holes in my shorts, tshirts and sweater

The red stains on my towel after drying my face

The rash on my face after shaving

Tilting your head back in ya camp chair to escape the heat of the roaring campfire and getting a glimpse at the sky absolutely glowing with stars was a constant reminder of how fucking good we’d got it

And you say sheeeeeesh

nice garyyyy

“Oi dad, what are ya doin?”

“25 ak47’s and a piece of plywood, thats what im doin”

Im in full travel mode now. All i think about is whens my next meal, when do i have work and hows the surf. Also wheres my weed.”

This post brought to you by…

All my friends do lots of drugs

“Ya livin the dream ya lucky shit” - taes dad, post

surf

An observation about all the people you see on social media who you idolize in some capacity: when you meet them in real life, no matter how much idolization or importance you think they carry, when you meet them in person, they all still behave like normal people

I’ve completely left behind my old way of life.

I’ve forgotten what its like to go to a bar.

To dress cool.

To think about what im wearing.

To think about impressing people.

To think about who to see.

To think about what event to choose from.

I’ve forgotten what its like to look up at tall buildings.

To see lots of concrete.

To walk past unfamiliar faces that dont smile when you walk past them.

To order coffee in a takeaway cup.

To eat nice food.

To see my friends at pica bar for drinks at the last minute plan

There came a time about two months in where i began to get over it all.

Doing dishes with a water bottle and a tea towel that smelt like smoke. Sitting in the drivers seat on your phone, tired because you dont want to have to brush your teeth with a water bottle and climb like a contortionist into your car’s bed every night. Sick of having to plan when i want to take a shit. Sick of having to set up and pack down my kitchen every time i want a coffee or some lunch.

Sick of not having anywhere to be but knowing im in one of the most beautiful places in the world and feeling a burning pressure to see it all. Sick of having to buy ice every two days

Sick of emptying water from my esky

Sick of laundromats and planning how long I’ll last on a single outfit

Sick of worrying if im spending too much time sitting in the cafe

Sick of being the tag along in everybody else’s group of mates

Sick of drinking beer every shift

As time goes by, you learn the intricacies of a place. Where all the rocks are on the track to the camp. Who in the carpark not to wave at and who to have a chat to. Where and when to be to get a free drink. How to steal a shower. When

More and more i find while living out of my car thst routine is important. Something to ground you. For me, its making coffee out of the car, no matter how inconvenient it is. Before inevitably giving up and buying an oat flatty at soso. - talk more about habits

Some things that dont grow old:

Seeing the surf going off

Seeing familiar faces out and about

Turtles next to you in the water

Whales breaching in the distance

The moon rising over the ocean or the ranges

The sky full of stars when the moon doesn’t shine

The sun and the warmth no matter the season

Town beach hangs with good crew

The feeling of a shower after a few days of salt water

The people at work

The chats at work

Free beer at work

The life in the oceans

The vibe of fun

Never knowing where you’re gonna end up after you wake up

Whatd you see when you nearly died?

A big pair of tittys and a snickers bar

The moon rises in front of me for the third night in a row. I watch it from my car, a leftover slice of pizza from work in one hand and my phone in the other. Im one of the very few people lucky enough to witness this insanely beautiful sight and yet it feels in this moment it feels unextraordinary. How spoilt with wonder must you be for this to feel normal. The same goes for this whole place. This is paradise and right now this is home. This is standard. Only when I get back to Perth and am able to look back with the 20/20 vision that is hindsight and realize just how special it all was.

I wish I was more conscious at the hour of 6am, snug in my bed, parked in the bush as the sun rises over the bay in front of me. An explosion of pink and gold dominates the sky, shining through the bushes and the trees around me. The sound of the waves crashing behind the birds chirping. An easterly wind rustles lightly through the trees. I’m so sure it’s beautiful. If only I was awake to take it all in.

Instead, i roll over and try and escape the golden light for a minute or two more.

Hey siri play lots of nothing by spacey jane

Sometimes Id like not to feel like a fugitive when i take a shower, other times, the stars as my landlord is a pretty good deal

Its not a mistake its a decision

Maker of questionable decisions

I dont wanna face this day for fear of what will come. For I know how good it can be, and I know the fuckery that this day holds

Holy fuck thats a lot of cars

Yeah its cos nobody fuckin lives anywhere

To be fair I’d stalk you

A happy change of plans

Like all good road trips, this one started out with unfortunate circumstance, poor planning and a significant lack of caution. We planned for months to leave WA and drive across the nullabor, up through NSW and into QLD and at the 11th hour, three days before we were due to leave, we find out that covid has closed the borders. Again.

So with a house I had already moved out of, a plan in shambles on behalf of a big bad virus, and a car all prepped and ready to leave, we did the only reasonable thing to do. Changed course by a few thousand km’s and headed north with no idea what we would do, where we would sleep, what we would eat, where we would stay, who we would hang with and where we would surf.

Our first day saw lots of last minute preparations, plenty of driving to all manner of songs and podcasts from everything to the worlds dumbest grifters to Australian alcoholics talking about orgasms. I shut the door on 25 Chatham Road for the last time. We drove through familiar and unfamiliar roads. Memories of standing on the side of these very roads ripe in my mind. Except this time, with my whole life in the backseat of the car, in a setup Reubs and I built. Hell of an upgrade from a backpack and a thumb. After hours of rolling green hills, that resembled what I imagine new zealand to look like we parked up on the side of the road. Very true to form. We set up the tent, brushed our teeth and had dinner in the form of a banana and a beer and then got to bed as the sun set. I woke up at 25 Chatham and now I find myself falling asleep somewhere between Northampton and Kalbarri in my car.

“Traveling is just tetris on wheels mate”

No matter how far away you travel to try and escape modern society, if you look up at night, you will still see a satellite and you will be reminded that no matter where you go, you are a member of a species that can get itself to space

Shit i like:

Squeezing kenny

Cooking in car parks

Paying for wifi and toilets with beer or hot chocolates

Surfing. All day

Chatting shit

Brownies

Staring at the stars

Dunes

Eating brownies, chatting shit and staring at the stars under the shade at dunes.

Hunters

Making new friends everywhere

Chatting to literally everyone

Having nowhere to be and never thinking about home

Telling Tony to get fucked

Surfing bombie and paddling back in twilight glassy waters

Dinners and laughs with friends in the whalebone carpark

Breaking into RAC for a shower

Coffee dates at soso

Waking up to ben packing a tent

Laughing till my ribs hurt

Tonic water with lime

No internet for weeks

Chatting to esther and alice at dunes

Staring at groms wiping out

Carpark hangs

Never having an empty passenger seat

Never being able to see out the rear view mirror

Never being alone

Cooking in the carpark opposite the cop shop

Drying shit on the car every time we parked

Listening to lots of nothing a million times

Chaos at froth consisting of surprise drinks, random chats and boats

And the curtain closes.

On two months and nine days of nonstop adventure and fun. Unpredictable, unprecedented fun. The people you met were of a caliber I’d not encountered and never considered to be my own but from the get go and proved time and time again over the course of my time up north, they were.

I dont know how I’m going to fare when I get off this plane in two hours and have to see my parents, exist in cold weather, deal with a broken car, find a place to call home, figure out a new job and find my way with my friends who I can never be the same with after this.

The wheels are up. Fleeting views of the ningaloo coast and the cape range out each side of the planes window; a farewell of what I’m going to be missing. The red dirt and wildflowers underneath us where I’ve spent most of my nights sleeping look exactly as they always are. Untouched and still. I know I’ll be back soon. I’ve got so much more to see. So many more people left to meet. So many more memories left to make. So many more waves left to surf. So many more beers left to pour. So many more sunsets left to see.

Exmouth, for two months you sure have changed me.

Tiger,

I dont know your history brother but if i had to take a look into your past im guessing id see a lot of pain, chaos, missing love and bad mates who dont know that they’re bad.

You’re a good dude man im so fuckin sure of it but you seem so hell bent on starting a fight and proving a point. To whom i dont know. Your break up has obviously destroyed you and your coping mechanism is alcohol and trying to get with women. You’re incredibly kind and generous to your friends and a fierce antagonist to anyone who isn’t. You need help and you know it but you dont know how to find it or who to ask.

The hardest thing about you is that you need to change your whole view of life. Theres more than you think to it. I know there’s someone in there waiting to be found. I wanna be the guy holding the torch while you search.

You’re a good guy,

I dont wanna see you get killed by some drunk in a fight or waste yourself away in a bottle and a job you hate because you didn’t know there was another option.

0 notes

pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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stuffandsundry · 7 years

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Lemme preface this with a big hello there! I didn’t actually expect anyone to reply to this post, and so comprehensively either, haha!

dynamojacks replied to your post: Alt. P5 Justice Confidant

Hrrrrrmm. Can’t say I agree with all of this. It’s not like ‘being foil to the protag’ is the flaw with the interaction - or characterisation, of all things - it’s mostly the way said interaction is framed. Also, he’s less of a direct foil to him and more an 'equal and opposite’. Goro isn’t supposed to relate to the protag entirely, that’s kind of the point. He envies him. But he’s on his level, so to speak. It’s that aspect that draws him to him.

I think we’re using foil in a two different ways here. I use it as shorthand for “we, as third parties to this story, are supposed to compare and contrast these characters”. So, yeah, he’s set up as an equal and opposite you are totally correct there, but Goro aint the one relating to the protag, we as the audience are the ones comparing them. And that’s when problems arise, because quite a bit about the protag is so open to interpretation.

He also kind of KNOWS he’s special because he’s.. seen him, and Morgana, in the Metaverse (see: pancakes ‘gaffe’). It’s not just a one-sided perception, he’s absolutely right and this is a big fuck-off hint that he’s a wildcard in hindsight.

yo what seriously? i thought that the pancakes thing happened in the hallway of the TV studio how the hell did i misremember that badly holy shit

I agree that this should have been dealt with better, and that we needed more interaction with the PT to build a collective bond. A WHOLE, WHOLE lot more. I live and breathe any writings that bring them all together, like really. But to narrow the issue down to the protag being foil just seems flimsy. They ARE fated rivals per se and for good reason, it’s just that this aspect was shafted to buggery when it got down to it.

It’s not protag being foil that’s the problem, it’s “protag is the foil, focused on almost exclusively to the detriment of any meaningful interaction with the rest of the cast.” like, yeah, it does work, to a point. but it also could be a lot better, by giving the others a chance to shine.

The ‘god’s game’ apparently meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. That was exceptionally bad writing. To build up shit like that, but for Goro’s role as wild card to mean next to zilch.

Oh yeah, that resolution was very much so missing, which is a massive pity. Like you said, the whole fated rivals chosen to duke it out by god is a pretty interesting concept. I’m interested to know more about why you think that Goro’s role as a Wild Card mean zilch, though. Personally, I’ve been looking at it as: “Goro did had the potential to choose many different paths that could shape the world around him, signified by the Wild Card, but he locked himself very quickly into one path where he was simply being used as a tool by Shido. This, in combination with him holding everyone at arms length, meant that he didn’t form any significant bonds either aside from the real fucked up one with Shido, and so he inadvertently crippled his own Wild Card ability from the beginning” Actually, on that note, maybe he couldn’t have formed confidants. Whenever you initiate a Confidant in-game, it’s Lavenza’s voice that you hear, not Caroline + Justine. Would Lavenza have reached out to Akechi? Hmmm...

Also regarding Goro and fame, he’s not as hung up on it as Ryuji is/was, not NEARLY as much. One, mistranslation (not ‘public image’ or 'celebrity’, but 'reputation with adults’ and 'charisma’), and two, he knows his fame is fickle and dangerous in itself, having lived it for long enough. Ryuji romanticises it, Goro does not. Goro resents that those people do not know him for who he is, Ryuji thinks that fame will make him beloved.

Yeah!!!! This right here!!! This is a great contrast to have, they’d be amazing foils!! Ryuji and Goro are practically complete opposites, but they also share a lot of similarities too despite that. I spent like 5 min on this section the first time, so these are just the things that instantly popped into my head, but you could also draw parallels btwn the fact that Ryuji’s dad being in his life made it worse, while Goro’s being absent made his worse, or they way that Ryuji always had his mother with him vs Goro who’s mother left him alone, or the way that Ryuji is very bluntly honest about everything vs Goro who tries to keep everything hidden behind a veneer of politeness, or public perception of ryuji as a no good thug even if he honestly just wants to do the right thing vs the perception of goro as the person who would uphold justice/stop the breakdowns even if he was the very same person who was causing them, but DESPITE ALL THIS CONTRAST, ryuji is one of the most empathetic members of the team and absolutely would have tried to help Goro if he’d only known sooner what kinda trouble he was in (re: first impressions of makoto as a prick vs jumping in front of a car in order to rescue her)

(Speaking of Makoto, she’s absolutely the person that has the most parallels to Goro, and she should have been his rival. Both joined the team through some form of blackmail, both have incredible pressure but on them by the adults in their lives, both very similar characters vis-à-vis approaches to life in general, actually wait one second i have a quote from a friend on this.... “But I think Makoto works really well in terms of how they’re narratively set up as opposites? idk, like Makoto’s approach to subterfuge is to orchestrate the people around her while Akechi’s approach to subterfuge is to manipulate the people around him, Makoto’s impulsivity means she can be prone to direct confrontation while Akechi is on guard until he’s literally right at the breaking point, I just think…. it would’ve been so much more interesting to explore more of this than putting the burden on protag to carry Akechi Interest”)

and oh god im babbling sorry I HAVE OPINIONS

As for Yusuke? Madarame’s exploiting of his talent to his own ends (check), Yusuke wanting to please him but also trapped and nigh desperate to leave (check), Madarame being essentially responsible for his mother’s death (check), Yusuke having to rely on him to survive, for roof over head (check), and would be ruined, and even die one way or another if he tried to escape (check, check, and double check). A comment Yusuke makes in Okumura’s Palace is extremely telling- about how someone who is oppressed will ‘desire for it’ (paraphrase). What’s even more telling, is when Yusuke said about Goro, quote: 'had I not met you all, I would have turned out like him as well’. Haru? They’re both puppets to their fathers. Both are manipulated for the sake of political goals. Both are actually sweet by nature- at least, not ruthless, and really have to be pushed to be (SIU Director’s comments about the plot to FRAME the PTs as being ‘too brutal’… imagine how much more actually KILLING would be..). And both started out with a naive(ish), idealistic core, if Robin Hood and his fixation on Featherman R is anything to go by.

Eyyyyyyyyy this is some pretty hella meta, kudos to you. Like yeah!!!! YEAH!!!!!!! GORO AND PHANTOM THIEVES INTERACTIONS.... THERES THE POTENTIAL FOR SOME REAL MEATY, REAL GOOD STUFF IN HERE....GIVE US MORE OF THAT PLEASE...

And part of the reason why opinion changed per se, was realising just how flimsy Goro’s own resolve was, and how vulnerable. He wasn’t hell bent on bringing disaster, he was clinging on to straws in desperation. Ryuji’s comment, urging him to realise that he was his own person, makes this much clear. Their ire was more focused on Shido at this point. Still, they did not really forgive Goro, and made this much VERY clear. In any event, the last point might have been down to cultural differences. I’m.. not sure, but to those who understood this scene, it didn’t come ‘out of nowhere’, so you can’t necessarily say that’s a writing flaw on it’s own.

Mmmm, sorry if I was unclear, but the two times I used ‘out of nowhere in this post were in regards to how i dislike goro approaching protag with little prior warning? So.... im not quite sure what you’re trying to say here. Out of nowhere is too strong of a term to use for this scenario, so if its a thing I’ve said someplace else in regards to the last scene then sorry, I’ll clarify now. It’s not out of nowhere, however, it stands in stark contrast to the entire team’s opinions of Akechi up until this point. Not necessarily a terrible, awful choice, but it is certainly jarring in a way that is completely avoidable. Which, again, brings me back to “give Goro and the other PT a larger share of attention instead of focusing on Protag”. Sae’s Palace would have been a perfect place for Goro’s facade to slip a little bit, and give the rest of the team a little bit of an idea of how he’s like when he’s not constantly on guard. Instead, Sae’s Palace focuses on setting Goro up as smart which............. he’s a teen detective that works with the police. We know that he’s smart already. We should have gotten more characterization in there instead! Giving us some form of transition, like, “he’s an enemy of the Phantom Thieves” -> “hmm, there seem to be some circumstances that we can relate to that made him the way he is now” -> “we understand why you did the things you did. we still can’t agree with it, but we know now.” ...Granted, the reason that I think of it as an abrupt about face could have been due to the face that they never mention Goro again after his battle. A short scene after Shido’s Palace had been cleared to look back on the impact that Goro had had on the PT would have been a great help.

thank you for your thoughts! c:

#dynamojacks #long post #p5 spoilers #sundrywritings;

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survivorisladelasmunecas-blog · 7 years

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Rites Of Passage - Day 78

(Here is some music to listen to while reading this)

Enfado Tribe (Cole, Jaiden, Eddie, Matthias, Dylan)

AJ - Putting you all the same because I didn’t get to play with you guys in the beginning. If y’all didn’t go it would have been my tribe and I would not be here so thanks for losing? Again, sorry.

Brandan - Cole,Jordan campaigned hard to get you back into this game. From what I read of your bio I believe you would have either became a massive threat or you would have ended up like my friend Nin: All bark no bite and a second boot. You seem cool though. Dylan, Hey Halloween, why do you have to be so racist to not let us pick you to come back? I mean really? Eddie, You know I tried to get you back into the game, because you seemed cool and I hated the argument between bring in Tyler or. Jaiden, From what I heard of everyone you seemed like a mess. Literally, the entire tribe ruled out bringing you back in from the get go. Don’t know what you did to do that, but yeah they really didn’t want you in. Matthias, You know, during that last challenge I completely forgot you were in the game XD, I literally had NO idea who you were. I want to get to know you though.

Eva - Matthias, Not gonna lie I was DREADING seeing you on the cast bc after Bora Bora I was definitely kind of rude to you and I'm sorry about that! I definitely wish we'd gotten a chance to play together just to make up for all of that. Cole, Dylan, Eddie, Jaiden, I've never met you guys and we didn't get any chance to speak so I really don't have anything to say! Sorry <3

James - Matthias, Never really got to interact, a victim of the slaughter. Jaiden, Might have caused a mess if you got a foothold in the game since you're a bit of a schemer which could have shaken things up. Eddie, My original partner in Newfoundland, once again I watched as you got booted first ;_; Dylan, I was excited to potentially play with you but it just wasn't in the cards I suppose. Cole, Never really got to interact, a victim of the slaughter

Shea

AJ - Hope you are doing okay actually.

Brandan - You know you seemed cool, and then you quit, and I heard why from a close friend of mine, and to be honest I’m kind of happy you left

Eva - Hope you are okay

James - Hope everything is alright with you surrounding the reasons for your quit

Victor

AJ - I heard a lot of things about you going into the season, a lot of really good things so when I saw you out first I was SHOOK. Sorry bud!

Brandan - I honest to god though you didn’t deserve to go the round you did. You tried so hard in that challenge and I thought you would have stayed! Well I guess the idol’s fucked you over, but it’s a game, I think we can all say fuck Dustin for the roulette of idols.

Eva - Another Bora Bora person ahhhh. Just like Matthias I wasn't excited to see you but in hindsight I'm sure that was an overreaction.

James - RIP victor @ all those idols getting played.

Aidan

AJ - OMG AIDAN <3 Voting you out was really hard because it was the first tribal but you also self-voted so I don’t feel that bad….

Brandan - You were so inactive you got voted out unanimously with an idol in your pocket. Like what the hell dude.

Eva - Never got a chance to meet up with y'all!

James - Never really got to interact with any of you.

Zack

AJ - Zack/Seamus, Putting you both together because I see you both as the same. Both big threats in a tribe that didn’t really want to play. Sorry!

Brandan - Don’t know much of you, other than you got a ton of praise for coming back and playing. I don’t know much about my tumblr survivor history however I’ll try to catch up.

Eva - Never got a chance to meet up with y'all!

James - Never really got to interact with any of you.

Seamus

AJ - Zack/Seamus, Putting you both together because I see you both as the same. Both big threats in a tribe that didn’t really want to play. Sorry!

Brandan - : I honestly thought that you would have either survived the tribe or left much earlier due to you being the only winner in the game. In your vote out I thought Connor was a gonner. Turns out I was wrong. Good game.

Eva - Never got a chance to meet up with y'all!

James - Never really got to interact with any of you.

Steven

AJ - After you went I figured that my original tribe was going to be targeted (which was and also wasn’t the case) but I heard that you kinda just disappeared. Hope you are doing well!

Brandan - Ditto everything I said about Aidan. Except you lasted longer, and you were my last pick I believe.

Eva - OMG I don't think you ever accepted my contact request but RIP! I think you were probably busy which I can definitely relate to :v

James - Started on Brown then went to Yellow.

Ricky

AJ - LMFAO. Okay Ricky you were causing way too much shit for no reason and when I found out that you all were doing Andrei I had to take that opportunity to take you out. You had too many connections and were stirring the pot for no reason. Sorry!

Brandan - Fr om what I heard from others you and Billy were like this huge duo premade whatever schablang. So ultimately I’m a bit mixed on you. You seemed cool, but I’m glad you're out. So much confusing emotions.

Eva - Never got a chance to speak to you either!

James - Another person I was never on a tribe with, rip idols

Jacob

AJ - UGH Jacob why did you have to get 3 strikes! I missed having conversations with you and was so happy when we slayed the scavenger hunt to beat 15th place! Miss you!

Brandan - The amount of knowledge I know about you is so little that I only remembered you due to your skype picture. A Serperior. Yeah not a good impression, and then you go and get yourself medevaced.

Eva - omg THE Jacob Albright what a king. I don't think we've ever had a chance to play more than like, two days worth of game together but what a god.

James - We were together for a good part of the pre-merge yet... I still don't think we ever interacted? I don't know if you interacted with anyone? Your presence was quite an enigma leading up to your evacuation.

Jevvon

AJ - Jev ill be honest, I don’t know why I refused to vote you. You were very inactive and didn’t have a computer but I thought you were a really nice person. Hope everything is going well in the U.K

Brandan - I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I PUT YOU ON THE OTHER TRIBE. I expected you to go WAY earlier than you did because of you lack of computer. Why you were never voted out I will never know. Do yourself a favor and buy yourself a computer. It will help you in the long run if you play another one of these games. Thank you.

Eva - The first Negacion to go! We were such a great starting tribe but I definitely didn't get to know you as well as the others sadly.

James - Your self voting yourself into a tie and eventually out of the game was pretty lolzworthy and was a pretty fitting end to your story.

Tyler

AJ - : Flop bitch! JK! We slayed the premerge together and then I think things got too busy in life for you so that’s where the 3 strikes come in. I’m not sure if you leaving hurt or helped me but I hope you are doing well!

Brandan - All I know about you is that you tried to vote me out, you didn’t talk fucking game with anyone, you were useless, and you got medevaced. I was honestly sad to see you go, only because everyone was gonna target you first vote XD.

Eva - OMG your idol play being the thing that put me on the lagoon...well, it was my own fault but still, it's so funny thinking back on that.

James - You were a mess of an ally. It was fun playing with you for the hot second we were together on a tribe but you really did get all those strikes over literally nothing LOL. N e ways your evac probably helped me in the long-run so I'm not to sad hehe.

Monty

AJ - I voted for you 2 or 3 times and I don’t regret it. You didn’t really care about this game and caused unnecessary drama. Bye!

Brandan - Okay so I heard all these rumors about you being a big threat and all of that stuff and I honestly thought you were too passive to pull it off. Give or take you did get idoled out and eventually lost in the Lagoon but yeah, I think you are a good player, you just need to believe in yourself more.

Eva - Ahhh it sucks that you just didn't have time for the game anymore (again: relatability) but I did enjoy the one talk we got to have at the lagoon!

James - Another player I never interacted with, must suck to know you were so close to merge only for 3 people to essentially quit right when it hit ;_;

Jordan

AJ - omg Jordan. You caused a LOT of waves in the last two rounds in this game that kinda set up how the merge would play out. I really wish you didn’t give up on the lagoon but im happy I got to see you play this game!

Brandan - Jordan my friend. I tried so hard to save you. SO. FUCKING. HARD. I literally tried blackmailing Bodhi and everything but at that point he was too close to Austin (Look how that turned out XD). I think I’m the only person in this game that actually knew you at heart, your a cool dude, amazing personality, and overall fun to be around. Hopefully you let everyone know your true self so they all don’t think of you as a pathological liar <3

Eva - Another Bora Bora rep <3 your argument with Austin is by far the most interesting thing that ever happened at the lagoon and I was gagging the whole time.

James - You were a bit of a bitch to me but at the end of the day I am sorry I didn't use an idol on you. I was a bit paranoid and the last minute aspect of it all had me overthinking it. However you did stop trying at the lagoon when 10 minutes of effort would have won you immunity so I don't feel that bad!

Connor

AJ - DAD!!!!!!!! I miss you so much omg. I’m really happy that I got to meet you during this game because you are such a sweet person. Can’t wait to send you random snaps all the time!

Brandan - You know I never understood why you hated me. Maybe it was just because I refused to lay down and die. Maybe it was because I snapped at you when I knew you wanted me out. I don’t know. But you and I had a little rivalry throughout the early portion of the merge, and I campaigned HARD to get you out when you did. Didn’t work out the way I intended but hey, I still won out. Maybe sometime we can sit down, have some hot cocoa, and maybe become friends :).

Eva - You definitely came in to the lagoon with a lot to say and plenty on your mind. I actually spoke more to you than a lot of people in the game which is weird in hindsight but you were a lot easier to carry a conversation with than some.

James - We never really talked until a couple hours before the tribal you went at where your tone kinda turned me off. I saw you as a solid vote against me so that was pretty much the reason behind getting you out though at the end of the day.

Lil AJ

AJ - WE GOT TO PLAY TOGETHER THIS TIME! Ugh when I saw you on the cast I was so happy yet so sad because I knew we would be paired together. Im glad we were because even though we didn’t spend a lot of time in the game together, I had a lot of fun strategizing and scheming with you <3 Love ya!

Brandan - You were literally the only person I was blunt about voting off. At the point I told you my mind was set in stone, and I figured I just be honest with you than extend false hope. I hope you find happiness with your puppy! Even though I only knew you for 3 days, you seemed really cool :)

Eva - ughhhh this really sucked. When the four of us knew it was the last lagoon and someone had to go I had a really hard time actually deciding who to vote for. I wasn't going to turn on Andrei no matter what and I didn't want to vote Brandan either so it came down to you :/. At least you returned the favor so it felt a bit less crappy, still sucked though!

James - I thought for sure you were gonna return from the lagoon but then you got robbed at the very end ;_;

Jay

AJ - I honestly think this should be flipped. Jay I thought you had what it took to win. This boot was such a shock to me. I thought you would be the last person from our tribe in this game. You are a strong threat in any game you are in (BBHELL, Tumblr Survivor, etc.) Im so happy we finally got to bond over a game together and I’m excited to talk to you in a few days!

Brandan - There are so many words I can use to describe you it’s not even funny. All of them are positive, but what can you do. You were a seriously good player, and I understand Austin’s decision to target you instead of someone else. I seriously appreciate you giving me an immunity necklace that brought me back in, it was super nice of you. Even though it kind of did fuck you over that tribal.

Eva - oh my god there is soooo much I can say about you Jay, you were probably one of the first people I truly aligned with when we swapped together. I put a lot of trust into you and I was genuinely excited to return from the lagoon to play with you and some other people. But needless to say, It's Complicated starring Meryl Streep. I'm sure we'll discuss it at length either when I join jury or I'm at FTC!

James - You were a huge player in this game, I viewed you as being one of if not the most well connected player. Pretty much the full package, just so happened we were on different sides come merge.

Matt

AJ - We never really got to talk this game but you seem cool! H.A.G.S! No but seriously im sorry that you went inactive but that is kind of what I relied on that round. Hope you are doing well!

Brandan - Matt my buddy! I’m sorry that you left on a self vote huge blindside. I honest to god though no one in their right fucking mind would take you out. Seems like I was wrong huh? Oh well, you were funny and a truly nice guy. I hope you're enjoying ponderosa! And let me know how that thing with your boss went you never told me the resolution!

Eva - You were probably my favorite person to talk to on OG Negacion. We actually stayed together for the whole game before I Cirie'd myself so I saw you as one of my top people in this season. But we definitely fell out of touch later on and I'm sure you have a lot going on right now so it's no surprise.

James - - You were a fun presence throughout the game and it was fun to see someone not take themselves too seriously. Hope everything is okay as you're apparently still mia ;_;

Austin

AJ - LMFAOOOOOO. Austin you know from BBHell that we really don’t mesh and this game proved otherwise. I think we were both on the same page that we needed to keep lying to each other but keep each other close at the same time. It was fishy. You are a really strong player in all aspects of the word but you leaving made me VERY happy. Enjoy jury!

Brandan - Okay here we go. Austin, I love you personality wise. I think you truly are an amazing guy, with amazing stories and that stuff. However, at the point of your vote out you just lost trust with everyone, which is why you got voted out. Although I didn’t vote for you that round, I tried to spare you from that vote. However… people had other ulterior motives. Other than one of your plans getting me sent to the lagoooooooooooooooooooon and yelling at me after the Jordan vote you are really cool :).

Eva - Not much to say here :v just kidding! Austin I'm sure you still see me as some manner of snake. I definitely don't think I am and hopefully, like Jay, we can discuss it at length later on but for now I'll say I definitely had your back and trusted you with some pretty important things :v

James - At first I was a bit hesitant to FULLY trust you with how messy the round was when Brandon went home. However, I am glad we got on the same page because the next 3 rounds it was fun the way we schemed together even when things seemed super hopeless.

Billy

AJ - Ok this was a tough one. I won’t go into the details of why I flipped just yet but it was one of the hardest choices I had to make in this game. Billy, from the swap I knew that we were going to be close allies. Despite us voting against each other for majority of the votes, you were someone that I knew I could be real with and that you would be real back. I miss you so much and I can’t wait to talk to you soon! Enjoy Kohl’s!

Brandan - My dude! I didn’t flip on you! You were actually a really cool guy, and one of the people I connected with most in this game. You just seemed so… genuine, it was a breath of relief that I desperately needed. I think your grandpa would be really proud of you if you ever did this shit in real life, I think you give his memory a good name.

Eva - We were never really aligned in the game but by the time we actually started talking to each other I found you to be a pretty cool guy. We actually have a lot in common and idk, regardless of how the game turns out I can definitely say getting to know you a bit was a fun aspect.

James - - We had a bit of an adversarial relationship early on in the merge. I was genuine about potentially working with you but unfortunately it never really panned out. At the end of the day I know you're a nice guy though and our interests just never fully aligned.

Andrei

AJ - My last OG Abatimiento <3. This vote was difficult too. However Andrei, you overlapped in a lot of groups and I had a strong feeling I wasn’t in your long term game. Despite that, I loved getting to meet you in this game Andrei. You are such a sweet and kind person and I hope that we can continue to talk after the game.

Brandan - You know I never really understood why you tried to turn on me. I thought I was being honest with you and straightforward. Either you saw me as a threat or I just didn’t say something, I don’t know. But I wanted you to stay longer, you were really cool to be around. Upupupupupupu~~~~

Eva - Ugh you going home started my spiral of being depressed with this game! You were probably my bestie in this game. We're closer to each other in age than we are to some of these others, we have a lot of the same interests, and I just enjoyed our talks. Definitely gutted when you left and I wish I'd been able to change it.

James - You were a fun presence in the game after you returned from the lagoon. At the end of the day I just viewed you as a bigger threat than Brandon which led me to vote you out.

Renee

AJ - Renee…. We got to meet right at the merge but we never really talked game for most of the merge. It was a weird feeling. However, you are a very sweet person and you are the QUEEN of Dustin’s seasons!

Brandan - You are super sweet, and honestly I can’t say a bad thing about you. You were just like this bright little ray of sunshine, and even though everyone else literally said you didn’t talk to them, I didn’t see that at all. I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but you are an amazing person, remember that.

Eva - Had my legacy advantage been transferrable you know 100% I would've given it to you. I wanted you to stay in so badly! I like avoid speaking whenever I can but even I was able to muster up the courage to try to change the way the vote was going. Absolutely devastated to lose you for sure.

James - - Us coming together with Eva at final 8 was genuinely one of if not my favorite moment in the game and at the time I was being genuine about it. Then I remembered about the legacy advantage and your potential ties with Andrei and my path to the end which kind of changed my thoughts. I am probably the one you were referencing at tribal about ignoring you since I lowkey did ghost you that round and that was probably a mistake on my part along with the deception at final 7 so for that I am sorry.

Bodhi

AJ - Last one! Bodhi I loved us bonding over how much we both despised Austin. If you two were secretly working together for real im not sure but I enjoyed the conversations. Overall, Bodhi you were a strong player in this game and a huge threat to win it all. I hope you are surviving on jury and I cant wait to talk to you soon.

Brandan - Well I’ll put you out of your misery. I was the third. I absolutely adore you as a person, and you are one of the coolest guys here. However, you were also very strategic, and made a lot of votes happen. I’ve wanted you out for a while, and hey, it happened. I still feel bad for the way you/Austin broke apart but hey, partly my fault. I hope you two get back together!

Eva - I think this marks the third straight time I just didn't vote correctly at all. We had a lovely call before the vote that I enjoyed and I completely saw your POV but apparently the others didn't! I definitely would've gunned for you next because you played a great game, though.

James - If someone asked me during some of the early merge rounds that we would be working together during the late-game then I would have thought they were crazy. They way you can think thought situations is actually very tactful and that pretty much cemented my view of you as a huge threat. It was cool though to talk to you more one on one past your tribal persona though.

#YouHaveMadeMyLifeHellFromDayOne

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nickireadstfc · 7 years

Text

The Raven King, Chapter 13 – The Birth of Responsible Neil Josten

In which our favourite angsty runaway finally starts being useful, Andreil engage in some hot ab-touching, Wymack Knows™ things and I sense yet more Hufflepuffs dawning on the horizon.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

The enw chapter starts and already we have to witness shit that I am decidedly not liking:

Nicky being super fucking miserable.

“We shouldn’t have come here,” Nicky said, sounding as wretched as he looked. (…) “What have I done?”

NOOOOOOOOO MY SUNSHINE SON

On the long, long list of why I fucking hate Drake’s guts, “He made Nicky sad” is one point I am especially angry about having to add.

You know, apart from all the obvious fuckery.

Thankfully, I can trust my man Josten to stop Nicky from sinking down further into the Guilt Depression Pit:

“You didn’t do anything,” Neil said. (…) “You didn’t know this was going to happen. None of us did. If we’d known, we wouldn’t have come.”

That’s what I was bloody saying. Thank you, Sir Runaway Angst Lord, for finally agreeing with me on something.

Also where’s this sudden rush of being the voice of reason coming from?

“It doesn’t make sense that Drake would come here. Higgins was here a month ago. Why wait so long, and why risk it? The police can track a cross-country plane ticket easily.”

That’s……. actually a very good point I had not considered before.

Why was Drake there? To “””make amends””” with his “””little brother””” (my toenails are rolling just typing that word), sure – but why now?

There’s more to this. WHAT IS IT.

No time to deal with this now – for now, we are dealing with Andrew getting sent on a nice lil vacation to Fun Anti-Mania Rehab.

Kevin fixed Betsy with a stunned look. “It’s too early. What do you think you’re doing?”

“The right thing,” Betsy said.

HELL YEAH SHE IS.

Bless Betsy Dobson for turning cliché action movie lines into lines that make me actually emotional.

“Who will take care of Kevin if I’m gone? I can’t trust him wandering around here by himself, and Coach can’t be with him all the time. Kevin’s kind of a full-time job.” (…)

“I’ll watch him,” Neil said.

BITCH WHAT.

“What do you think you are saying? What are you trying to do?”

“Take responsibility,” Neil said in German.

BITCH WHAT.

“VERANTWORTUNG ÜBERNEHMEN”, DIGGAH WAS.

I did not know you vocabulary even included that word.

Our boy??? Is finally starting to be responsible, adult and useful??? WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I AM WITNESSING.

“If I was going to leave I would have done so at the banquet when Riko called me by my name,” Neil said. “I won’t lie and say I didn’t think about it, but I decided to stay. I trusted you more than I was scared of him. So trust me now if you can. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take care of Kevin until you return.”

Cause of death: This.

Responsible Neil, where did you suddenly come from?? And most importantly, how can we make sure you don’t transform back into Angsty and Dramatic Neil??

“You lie, and lie, and lie, and you think I’ll trust you with his life?”

“Then don’t tust ‘Neil’”, Neil said. “Trust me.”

“Oh, but who are you? Do you have a name?”

“If you need one, call me Abram.”

Oh my goooood.

Neil giving out his birth name (or parts of it) to Andrew just adds a whole ‘nother level of intimacy, rawness and seriousness to this exchange.

It also adds another level of I can’t fucking deal with this.

With so many people watching them Neil couldn’t life his shirt. He did the next best thing and dragged one of Andrew’s hands under the hem. He pressed Andrew’s palm to the ugly scarring across his abdomen.

Touching!!!!!!!!! On his scars!!!!! Which no one has ever even seen!!!!! And Andrew gets to motherfucking touch them!!!! TOUCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Andreil heart is having a fucking rave, you guys.

“Do you understand?” Neil asked. “Nothing Riko does will make me leave him. We will both be here when you get back.”

IM FUCKNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when I had huge Kevandreil feels way back in the beginning/middle of the first book? Remember that?? REMEMBER????

I’m still not set on whether I ship it romantically, sexually or just hardcore-platonically (although I’m leaning to the latter), but just – THE DYNAMICS, YOU GUYS.

You can always sign me the fuck up for a good triumvirate.

And of course, not even Andrew can say no to an offer when it comes in the form of some good ab-touching, and just like that, he leaves for rehab.

Godspeed, my manic murder kitten – please come back happier, healthier, yet hopefully just as full of sass. <3

There’s a little thing at the end of this exchange, though, that is quickly glossed over but that caught my attention, and that is Wymack being a perceptive bastard:

“Hopefully hearing about all of this (…) will get [Aaron] moving, but who knows when it comes to those two? Speaking of unpredictable assholes, when did that happen?”

“When did what?” Neil asked.

Wymack eyes him. “Forget it.”

Is he……….. already hinting at Neil and Andrew having A Thing………….. Wymack Knows™.

Did I mention I love that guy recently? #dicksoutforperceptivebastards

“What about the season?” Kevin asked. “What about Riko?”

“What about Andrew? Attempt to think about someone and something else for just a moment there.”

DID I MENTION I LOVE THAT GUY RECENTLY. #dicksoutforcaringaboutandrew

“Look,” Wymack said. “I know I’ve always told you all to take your personal problems up with Betsy or Abby. I’ve said it’s not my place to get into anything outside the court. I hope you’ve figured out by now that I’m just blowing hot air.”

Grumpy Fox Dad ily <33

Guess who’s back now – Aaron, fresh outta custody.

Guess who’s really emo and angry about the Andrew Situation – Aaron, back to being bitter and broody as per usual.

Guess who’s finally done taking his shit and starts dishing out some reason and sensibility in this mess – RESPONSIBLE NEIL FUCKING JOSTEN.

“Are you at all sorry?” Neil asked. “You took his family away from him. (…) Do you think Cass will ever forgive Andrew?”

Fair point – I’m all for Drake being Not A Thing anymore, of course (although imo prison would have done the job better than, you know, murder), but there is no denying that Aaron made sure the only woman that ever came close to a mum for Andrew now hates him till forever, probably.

“I don’t care about Cass or Drake or anyone. What Drake did – no. If I could bring him back from the dead and kill him again I would.”

“Good,” Neil said quietly. “So now you understand why Andrew killed your mother.”

HOLY SHIT.

Holy shit he’s fucking RIGHT oh my god. I did not see this coming at all (and neither did Aaron) and I am SHITTING MYSELF.

“You don’t know anything,” Aaron said.

“I know you’ve got a couple weeks to think about it,” Neil said. “When Andrew comes back sober you’ll have to talk about this. You won’t get anywhere if you start with Drake, so you might as well start with your mother.”

Neil, I am just honestly so, so impressed with you right now.

Just – this. This exchange right there so, so fucking important. I can already see that this will help the twins greatly in finally becoming real siblings, and Neil was the one who made that happen.

It’s been said time and time again how Neil will be the one bringing the Foxes together, and every time I see it actually happening now I leap out of my skin in happiness.

And the key to all of that happening is the birth of Responsible Neil we are witnessing right now.

I want you guys to really, really get how amazing I find this new development. One thing that, in hindsight, really annoyed me about Neil in the first book was how fucking Dramatic, Angsty and Extra™ he was – and I know this made for some good jokes, but it honestly also annoyed me a lot. He was just so whiny. And I know it’s for good reason, but still – I just kept hoping he would one day pull his head out of his ass.

Breaking news: Our boy Neil’s head has now left his ass.

This scene, all these scenes are so amazing because: TFC-Neil wouldn’t have done this. TFC-Neil would have stood there uncomfortably, saying nothing and staring, dramatically contemplating his own angst and his own trauma and why he should run away now and how oh so fucking tragic his own life is.

TRK-Neil does not. TRK-Neil deals with problems other than his own, starts taking responsibility and gets out of his own fucking head for once.

TLDR: FUCK. YEAH.

The monsters (minus one) and the Fox Parents get back to Palmetto, where they’re all reunited with the rest of the team – which is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, since apparently the story is all over the news and no dramatic retellings are in order.

Also, apparently Matt’s mom bailed Aaron out of jail, as a ‘thank you’ for him helping Matt get clean. Neat!

“We’re all Foxes. We are a team. What happens to one of us happens to all of us, and we’re going to get each other through this.” (…)

If it wasn’t so terrible, it’d be brilliant. This was what Dan and Matt had been waiting for all semester: a catalyst to finally unite the team.

Have I mentioned how much I’m feels-nutting every time the Foxy Team Spirit gains some bonus points? Have I?? HAVE I????????

However, it’s not all fun and games (not that it ever was fun and games), as there is Serious Exy Trouble resulting from Andrew being gone:

“If the ERC decides Andrew isn’t part of our line-up anymore, we’re beneath size regulations. They’ll strike us from the roster and our year is over. (…) Kevin is afraid.”

Dun dun dun duuuuuuuun. That’s a pretty shit situation you got there, mate.

Neil fixed Kevin with a stony look. “Maybe if you’d stuck around a moment longer you’d understand why I don’t care anymore. When you came upstairs, did you hear mim laughing, Kevin? (…) So yes, even I would give up on this season. And after everything he’s done and every risk he’s taken for you, you’d better feel the same.”

MIKE FUCKING DROP.

With Neil gone, Kevin currently takes the top spot on the List of People Who Need To get Their Heads Out Of Their Own Angsty Ass.

“Rhemann has taken our side. He offered to speak on our behalf if need be, and he’s helped reach out to the others.”

James Rhemann, apparently, is the coach for the USC Trojans – a team that is so fair and kind they never, ever got a single red card in their entire existence.

I am DELIGHTED. When do we meet those USC cinnamon puffs, give them to me NOW.

“As of this morning, the vote across the Class I teams is almost unanimous,” Wymack said. “They want us to finish the season.”

HELL FUCKIN YEAH.

“I want one lap for every time you’ve ever said the NCAA’s never had your back.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Nicky said. “We’ll be running all day.”

BAHAHAHAHA. I actually had to laugh so hard at that. Possibly because it’s the first time there is a reason for laughter in, like, three chapters.

But also possibly because it’s just unexpectedly really funny.

In summary: The Foxes get to play on, Andrew finally gets the help he needs and deserves, and Neil’s head gets a serious applause from me for being finally free of his ass.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3

One last note: New update will be out on Monday instead of Sunday because I’m gone all weekend – I’ll be at a cheerleading event with my friends! I can already hear myself going “That’s Katelyn” at every single cheerleader wearing orange. Wheee!

#nicki reads tfc #trk #tfc #aftg #the raven king #the foxhole court #all for the game #nora sakavic #dicksoutforwymack #dicksoutforperceptivebastards #dicksoutforcaringaboutandrew #honestly the last one is all that matters to me

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strangesoulmates · 7 years

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Wait wait waaiit on one of your text posts you said you were asexual?? How do you know you're asexual?? Am I asexual?? Its says if youre asexual there are no sexual feelings? Im sorry for asking these questions but, I think im asexual?? How did you knwo?? If you cant tell im very confused and im also very sorry that im springing what seems to be my journey of self realization to youbut. Asexual????

Anon, don’t worry! I’m always happy to talk to people, and I’m hoping that my answers will help you.

So, for me, it started about, oh, six years ago? It was my senior year of high school, and I’d just made a new friend online, and she told me she was asexual. I did some research so that I wouldn’t be insensitive. She directed me to the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network, or AVEN, which I totally recommend if you want to learn more to help you figure stuff out or for people who just want to know more about asexuality.

At first, I found myself very skeptical of my friend. I mean, I didn’t question her and was respectful, I believed asexuality was an orientation, I just thought she was too young to really know.

That was wrong of me to think. I know that now and I came to see that then. A person’s identity is theirs to explore and to define, and it wasn’t anyone’s business but my friend’s what she chose to identify as.

I was either seventeen or eighteen at the time, I can’t remember when in the school year this happened, and I was scared of sex. In hindsight, I think this might have been part of why I reacted the way I did. I’d had spent my sophomore year struggling with mental health issues, and had just moved out of my dad’s house and made the last minute decision to switch school districts my senior year (my parents are divorced and had joint custody, and I had been going to school in my father’s district). I think I just wanted to feel normal.

But the more I learned about it, and the more I thought about it, the more the idea seemed to fit. When I read people’s posts about what sexual attraction felt like, I came to realize I’d never experienced it myself. I eventually came to realize that I was so afraid of sex because I knew a lot about the mechanics and knew abstractly that it could be pleasurable or painful, but I had nothing motivating me to try it.

The more I read, the more the pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit, and after struggling with it for a long time, I came to the decision to fuck it. It was just a label, and it was one that seemed to fit for now. I didn’t have to commit to it for life. And it felt right at the time, so I stuck with it. It was nice to know that there were other people who felt the way I did, that there was a word to express what I was feeling.

Six years later, I’m pretty sure that label is here to stay. I’m not afraid of sex anymore, and could see myself having sex with a partner I trusted for the emotional intimacy and to help fulfill their needs. However, I could also see myself happily not having sex for the rest of my life. If I ever end up in a serious romantic relationship with someone, it’s going to be a sexually open one. I would be fine with my partner fulfilling their sexual needs with someone else, though if things began to get “serious” with another person, we would need to have a conversation about how the situation was going to work.

I think I have been sexually attracted to one person in my life, and I have to say that if that is how allosexuals feel around many people most of the time, I am impressed with your ability to get shit done. I’m actually kind of grateful, because it provided a really nice contrast? Because if that is what sexual attraction feels like, I am most definitely ace.So for me, it was a lot of careful exploration, opening myself up to the idea that identity could be fluid, and it was okay to use a word because it seemed like it fit and not get boxed in by it, and slowly becoming more comfortable and confident in that label as I became more comfortable with myself and confident in general.

I hope this helps! And if you want, I’d be happy to look into some more resources for you!

#strangesoulmates answers #strangesoulmates speaks #adventures in being ace

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